#and then semi-relapsed
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yay-depression · 1 year ago
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man my halloween really couldn’t get worse huh??
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von-leg · 1 year ago
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Semi semi !!!
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s4r4hlynnlover · 6 months ago
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Prawdopodobnie bedzie szpital i nie wiem co robic obliczylam moje zapotrzebowanie 1800 i nie wiem co zrobic czy dalej w to brnac czy sie wyleczyc zwlaszcza ze jakiwgos wyboru to ja nie mam bo predzej czy pozniej mnie zmusza a o tym ze dowiedzialam sie ze moi rodzice moga mi dac sonde bo zre i zygam/nie zre to ja nawet nie wspomne (tylko musza wystapic o zgode do sadu wiec zajebiscie teraz rurka mnie strasza) w sensie mama ojcidc nie wie co sie odpierdala tylko mama mu powiedziala cos w stylu ze nie ja chce zyc (rozwiedli sie) i zaczal mi mowic ze zycie jest fajne tylko nie moje i nie wasze ale moze jego patrzac na to ze po za bieganiem i browarami ma wszystko w dupie wiec jaja troche takze prawdopodobnie sie stane rekowery klin (zobaczymy jak dlugo)
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littlebigdemon · 1 year ago
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my ED rn is :
feeling insecure abt my body/ weight and eating a lot anyway to self-sabotage bc i lack self-esteem/ confidence 🧍
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silly-mode-cilia · 1 year ago
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I was trying to take the bus closer to the bouldering gym because it's a 35+ minute walk there and I misread the bus map so I ended up just staying on because the driver was super nice and I was too anxious to go hey i messed up but I got off at a place I can go back to my [current residence] from and now I'm having a custard that the cashier recommended and it's bomb. None of this would've happened if I hadn't failed at public transport. But I had some lovely positive interactions and am happy it ended up the way it is. I can go clamber later anyways they don't close until like, 10.
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maskthedwarf · 10 months ago
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RENGOKU QUOTE RENGOKU QUOTE!!!!!
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@roach-works // Melissa Broder, "Problem Area" // Mary Oliver, "The Return" // @annavonsyfert // Koyoharu Gotouge, Demon Slayer // Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance // David Levithan, How They Met and Other Stories // Tennessee Williams, Notebooks
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wow-an-unfunny-joke · 4 months ago
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I want to fucking scream. I’m gonna graduate a year early, I have no idea what I want to do with myself, my brother flunked out of college twice so I’m just getting comped to him every time college gets mentioned, nobody talks to me, I have three total friends and none of them talk to me, I’m so lonely and school starts back up in less than two weeks. I just don’t know what to do
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midnapanda · 6 months ago
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I need to get my pencil and paper and fucking Draw. I need to. I just need. A mental image. To put on there.
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petrifiedchild · 7 months ago
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if you need me i'm gonna relapse bye lol
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gir1yvents · 9 months ago
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I try to semi-recover at home
Because I don't want to go back here
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thehealerhairpin · 9 months ago
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no new thread. proceed to leave and rot
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mainfaggot · 11 months ago
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tw eating disorder talk in the tags btw. just me being open for the first time in a long time but no numbers or specifics that could be triggering do nawt worry
#i was hospitalized for an nervosa in jan 2022#and since then i have relapsed two times in the past two years#i was reading my journals and food logs from the inpatient and outpatient progreams#and wow. i was so fucking unwell#two years ago i was so severely depressed and so severely malnourished#i was incredibly frail in every sense. it was scary. I thought I'd die of starvation before suicide at one point#but ever since i was released in the spring of 2022 i told myself that if i wanted to kill myself it wouldn't be from an eating disorder#because I'd want to eat a nice last meal at least 😭💀#also because the way i was suffering at my worst was terrifying and so painful in the slowest way possible#skip to present day#i relapsed during summer 2023#i was restricting my intake+over exercising+lost almost all the weight that i was restored to and was getting frail in every sense again#but i was running on adrenaline and i was working 6-15 hours a week and cooking 'for fun' so no one noticed#it was not fun cooking btw i was being neurotic about portions and calories and ingredients#LOL anyway#I've been in a semi recovery period for the past 4 months#but over the past 2-3 weeks I've been struggling really hard mentally again#like i feel insane. i cant turn off the calorie counter in my mind. i cant eat certain things out of pure unfiltered anxiety. im clinging#to this feeling of immediate and temporary relief that i get from controlling things#i follow my meal plan provided by my registered dietitian and psychologist but#i get so anxious about it and it's crazy how fixated i get on different aspects of what/how im eating#it's like over time I've become orthorexic. HELP anyway#the point is. this break has made me have so many deep urges to go back to restricting and getting worse#for the sake of temporary and immediate relief + a sense of control#but i realised that as much as i feel i need to be in control. it's not worth it#it felt worth it over the summer but it wasn't because the c psych and RD wanted me to try another hospital program if i couldn't get myself#back on track with just their help#like being informed that my routine of neurosis was worse than i thought was so . unexpected#i thought i was fine. it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was back in late 2021 or early 2022#but it was bad! i had low blood pressure i was getting hypoglycemic i was dizzy i was lightheaded i was getting sick every month
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vul0 · 1 year ago
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inside me there are 2 wolves: one wants a thigh gap, the other wants muscle mommy thighs.
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annoyingfishmonster · 1 year ago
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inside of u are 2 wolves. 1 wants to never eat again everytime u look in the mirror. the other wants to eat whatever bc nothing matters. u have an eating disorder.
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meiieiri · 8 months ago
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𝐢 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐤, 𝐢 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐩𝐮𝐫𝐩𝐥𝐞 ! [toji fushiguro]
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synopsis: in which toji notices how you color-code your outfit every time you see each other…and promptly makes a game out of it in hopes it will cure his gambling addiction.
pairing: toji fushiguro x f!reader | song inspo: colors | outfit inspos | hidden inventory: the lost tapes series masterlist
warnings: 18+, suggestive themes at the end (explicit sex, fingering, mentions of masturbation), but otherwise, just a fluffy/semi-angst/semi-crack scenario of a lovestruck toji trying to cure his gambling addiction~~
Chewing on his pen, Toji’s fangs were beginning to hurt as he stares at the blank face of a random receipt he found in his mostly empty wallet. He seems to be deep in thought, he almost looks like he’s trying his best to crack a mathematical mystery except…he doesn’t give a shit about math and the only mystery he seems to be interested in cracking is…
“Hey, I’m sorry I’m late!”
“Fuck.”
There you were in all your radiant magnificence eagerly waving to him from the university gates with your signature gummy smile he’s grown to love so much. You looked so beautiful and happy today…and you were wearing purple. A purple floral wrap dress. He was so sure you were gonna be wearing pink today Toji crosses out today’s date and the word: pink next to it with a frustrated “X”.
And in case anyone was wondering, this little guess-the-color-his-girlfriend-is-wearing-today game is something he came up with on a whim one day while waiting to pick you up after class. Of all the misfortune that has befallen him in his life, he has to thank the Zenin clan for one thing: sparing him the trouble of having to sit through an entire day of brain-frying university lectures about Kant’s second law of physics.
He hurriedly buries the receipt in his back pocket as he crosses the street, closing the twenty-five meter gap between the two of you. Pressing his lips against yours, Toji hums appreciatively when he tastes his favorite strawberry-flavored lip tint on your Cupid’s bow. You giggle as you nuzzle his nose when he pulls away, your hot breaths against one another’s lips providing a sense of comfort to you both. “What were you saying a while ago?”
“Ah, nothing.” Toji places a protective hand around your waist as the two of you walk to the nearby park for your and his usual after class/work stroll. “Just the usual profanity.”
Your lips curl into a soft pout at the thought of your boyfriend being upset about something. “Why?”
“Nothing babe,” he presses a soft kiss to your temple, his arm coming to rest on your shoulders. “Just lost at the boat races again,” he easily comes up with a white lie — a white lie that is bound to make you sad. He knows how upset you get when he relapses into his gambling addiction which, in his defense, he really is trying to quit for his and your — mostly your — sake. “Ah, I’ll do better, squirt. ‘m sorry.”
“Please?” you plead with him softly to which he nods, softly pinching your cheek in a silent promise to try to limit his gambling to…
…Getting tomorrow’s color right.
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The next day, Toji spends about fifteen minutes in the shower trying to figure out what color you’d be wearing today. He’s already ruled out the possibility of you wearing black since it’s thirty degrees outside today, but with your extensive wardrobe, crossing out one color from the list is hardly enough to narrow it down. He’s never felt like this with boat races before since he has this natural tendency to just pick the boat with the most stable engine.
Ah, who was he kidding? He’ll just have to guess…and hope for the best, he steps out of the shower a few minutes of deliberation later.
After putting on a black shirt, he looks at his makeshift gambling ticket on the kitchenette counter with an angry look on his face. “Red. It has to be red.” He jots it down next to today’s date in red ink as if to manifest you’ll wear your off-shoulder red top today and those black trousers you bought from that thrift store in Harajuku last week.
Suddenly, a knock rips through the silence of his apartment and he goes to immediately answer the door. Toji clasps his hand around the doorknob for a bit, somehow still intent on delaying the inevitable. “Toji? The bags are getting kinda heavy,” you sheepishly called from the other side of the door and your boyfriend instantly snaps out of it. He swings the door open a little too aggressively that it makes you jump a bit when you hear the ear-splitting screech of the hinges nearly coming off the door. “Ah…hi, babe?”
You don’t know what to make of Toji’s face.
It’s like he’s feeling an odd mix of emotions all piled into one that they somehow cancelled each other out and now, he’s…staring at you…blankly. You have to admit, it looks a little funny. It’s not his usual stoic expression, it’s just pure…nothingness…like he caught a glimpse of the void or something and he can’t peel his eyes away from it.
“Can I come in—?”
“—Hi.”
“Eh?”
You burst out laughing at his delayed response. It’s like your boyfriend buffered for a full minute there which is so unlike him, considering he’s always so smoothly unbothered and suave in his demeanor. Toji scowls when you place a hand over his forehead. “You feeling okay?”
Toji gently shrugs your hand away, nodding absentmindedly. “Fine.” That sounded awfully peachy but you didn’t mind, Toji’s normally so awkward anyway, unbeknownst to most. In the eyes of those who don’t know him, Toji’s image is nothing short of a big, bad delinquent, but in your eyes, you mostly associate him with a typical house cat — quiet and snooty in every regard but actually genuinely affectionate. “Oh, let me help you with those.” He crouches down to help you with the groceries, sneakily stealing a kiss from you as you remove your shoes at the genkan before stepping into the living room.
Toji watches as you bound over to his apartment’s balcony, searching for the stray cat that normally drops by in the afternoon, with a grimace on his face.
“Of course she’s wearing beige,” he grumbles under his breath. Again, he crosses out today’s entry a little more forcefully this time.
At the balcony, you find Toji’s pet emeritus lounging away at the foot of the laundry rack. “Oh, there you are!” You crouch down and pet the white cat whom Toji affectionately refers to as ‘Yuki’ when he thinks you aren’t listening in whenever he feeds it after dinner. “You look like you could use a warm bath, come on!” You gently pick up the little creature and bring her inside. “Toji, I found Yuki~!”
You stop in your tracks when you see Toji with his forehead pressed to the cold marble counter causing you to instinctively place a comfort hand on his upper back to placate him while Yuki climbs atop the counter. At the familiarness of your touch, Toji, who looks like he’s still upset over some unknown thing he won’t tell you, rights his posture. What’s a man gotta do to get a winning streak around here?
“Hey, maybe you should lie down…”
“…I’m okay,” Toji half-whimpers, defeated, gaping at Yuki as she licks her paw contentedly. “Huh. You brought the fleabag in here?”
Somehow offended by that, Yuki violently hisses at him.
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Okay, something is seriously wrong with Toji.
You just came out from using the washroom to see Toji on the kotatsu agitatedly scribbling on a piece of paper that doesn’t exactly look like a betting stub. You surmised it would have been something like that since Toji doesn’t normally get angry over anything except losing money on bets, but you are thoroughly surprised and comforted to see that wasn’t the case this time around. You sit down next to him, pulling your big baby into an embrace.
“My poor baby,” you teased amid Toji’s obvious misery. “Wanna tell me what’s wrong?” you smiled softly when he playfully pushes you down onto the tatami mats, all his weight pinning you down, his hand easily overwhelming yours as he pins them above your head. You try to squirm away from him, laughing when his other hand secures your hip to the floor, rendering you unable to struggle against him. Then, he lowers his lips close to your ear, his warm breath sending goosebumps to appear all over your skin, he sighs, falling slack at the crook of your neck.
Toji hates this, he probably looks like a kicked dog right now.
Today’s bet was yellow but when you opened the door to your apartment, you were wearing a mint green sweater over your cream relaxed fit ankle pants.
“Why can’t I do it? Why can’t I just win for once?” Toji’s voice is muffled as he buries his face in your shoulder. Instantly, you feel a pit form in your stomach. You’ve heard this before. You slowly push him off of you, your disappointment palpable in the way you utter your next words.
“Toji, you’ve been…gambling again, haven’t you? Baby, we talked about this.”
Your lover steadies the movements of his chest, feeling the need to defend himself. He wasn’t gambling, quite the contrary really, the thought of wandering over to the horse races hasn’t crossed his mind since he started this harmless little game. But Rome wasn’t built in a day, and every so often, he relapses into these undertones of his gambling addiction particularly the crippling desire to win at least once, to guess just one daily color scheme right.
And he’ll let it go. He swears he’ll let it go.
“I know, but really, babe, I’m not—“
“—Really? Then, what’s this?” You shakily point to the folded up piece of paper on the kotatsu. He has to pinch himself to hold in his laughter when he sees just how cutely distressed you are over an unassuming crepe stall receipt. “Don’t you start laughing now!” You swat his arm.
“I’m not laughing, you brat!” Toji purses his lips together, thoroughly enamored by you right now. “You’re worrying over nothing, Y/N. Trust me.”
You crossed your arms over your chest, pushing Toji’s face away when he tries to kiss you. You cheeky little brat. “But you’re acting so weird though…” You poke him relentlessly on the cheek to get him to come clean, and you dodge whenever he tries to playfully catch your index finger with his teeth. “Just tell me.”
“Nope.”
You climb onto his lap, hugging him.
“Please.”
A kiss is a good bribe right?
“Uh-uh.”
He returns the kiss with a loud smooch!
“I’ll break up with you.”
You whine when he flicks your forehead, leaving an obvious red mark on it.
“You won’t.”
Your little back and forth is interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing. Sighing, you finally let go of him. Looks like he isn’t going to budge. Toji gets up to answer the door, setting you down on the cushioned seat. Feeling a little bad when he glances back to see you still sulking about the issue, he subtly and intentionally allows the receipt to fall from his pocket knowing you’ll almost certainly go straight for it. He’ll just have to deal with your constant teasing for the next two weeks once you read the contents of the slip of paper. But he’d rather hear you laughing your heart out (even if it’s at his expense) than see you getting all anxious about him slipping back into his old destructive hobbies.
When you see the piece of paper falling like a leaf dancing in the wind, your eyes light up, and you crawl over to the spot where it’s fallen near the small bookshelf you have in the corner.
“Rakuten delivery.” Toji signs the courier’s clipboard, receiving your package. Just as he’s about to walk back into the living room to hand you your parcel, he stops in his tracks when he hears your cute chortles which you’re pathetically trying to subdue and a smirk appears on the corner of Toji’s lips.
Looks like the crisis has been averted for now.
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“Wait, Toji…”
Toji pretends to not hear you, his fingers still buried in your sopping cunt, lusciously pushing in and out, your arousal coating his fingertips as he devours your lips in wanton need. You moan out his name again and he scowls when you reluctantly remove his fingers from your heat. “What? What is it?” What could possibly be so important?
You flush when he sensually licks his fingers clean, and you sit up, pulling down your skater skirt. “What’s an anniversary without a little surprise?” You kissed him on the lips, lingering for a bit, your eyes fluttering close as you taste your arousal on his tongue. “Mmh…”
“Just forget it.” Toji bucks his hips against yours, his clothed erection rubbing against your bare slit.
“No way. Just…wait here,” you kiss him again, boldly running your tongue over his bottom lip before pulling away and heading to the bathroom to get your surprise ready.
Toji groans in frustration, his head hitting the pillows he set down on the futon. After a few restless moments of him resisting the urge to fuck his hardened cock into his hand to finish himself off, he hears your melodious voice calling for him from down the hall.
A satisfied lopsided smirk appears on Toji’s lips, his eyes dark as he gazes at the most beautiful being in the world right now, shyly making her way towards him wearing nothing but an emerald silk robe. He licks his lips when he sees the outline of your nipples through the fabric, smirking as you sit down on the foot of the futon.
“All that for a silly little robe? What a letdown,” Toji smirks as he moves to untie the knot of your robe, only for you to slap his hand away.
“Uh-uh…you have to guess first.”
Toji gulps when you pull out the one thing he’s been agonizing over for the last few weeks from your robe’s hidden pocket. You grab a pen from the nearby bookshelf which he expertly catches when you throw it in his direction alongside the crumpled up piece of paper he’d been meaning to destroy for a while now.
“If you guess right, we could ditch the condom tonight. So do well,” you innocently bat your eyelashes at him.
Toji looks like he wants to jump off a ditch, the obvious tent in his sweatpants indicating just how hard he is right now. “No, don’t do this. Don’t fucking do this, Y/N…”
“…What color am I wearing tonight?”
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bingingbish · 2 years ago
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They’ve put a scale outside my lab if that’s not a sign to sprint into a relapse then idk what is
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