#and then me and the other friend went to my planner and updated as much as possible

[grape-writes]

Ever accidentally plan like, idk

44 chapters, maybe more

For a fic when you have barely started chapter 3?

Heh...

Totally not me, idk what youre talking about

Its totally me, i mean i have THIS planned

It makes no sense out of context but this is :))))

[outro-jo]

NCT 127 and Weddings

pairings: nct 127 x reader

type: scenarios

summary: little scenarios of meeting/taking the 127 members at/to a wedding

warnings: drinking, kinda angst with haechan, i use stage and real names with haechan and stage name with jaehyun, johnny’s is too fuckin long 😩, taeil’s is too fuckin short 😭, no editing omg, i think that’s it

a/n: i tried to keep everything as gender neutral as possible and just inclusive in general. please read info before requesting

UPDATE: T*eil has been removed

masterlist | info

—————————

Taeyong

•planner x groomsman

this wasn’t happening. the sudden sound of the rip made your heart stop. the screams followed and you tried to calm everyone down. as the wedding planner, it was your job to make sure everything went smoothly, or make everyone think it was because it truth this wedding had been anything but smooth. the wrong venue was booked and you found out at the rehearsal. the florist went on vacation and the apprentice messed up the flowers. the priest showed up at the wrong venue, and now… disaster. but you fixed every other problem so this shouldn’t be any different, right? you stepped out of the bridal suite to get some air and come up with a plan when all of a sudden he walked up. you remembered his face from the dress rehearsal and dinner but for the life of you, you couldn’t remember his name. good friend of the groom and therefor a groomsman. he saw your panicked expression you failed to hide and came over. “what’s wrong is *bride’s name* ok?” he asked sweetly, attending to your side. “kind of… the dress ripped and i’m not quite sure what to do.” you admitted. you didn’t mean to. you wanted to appear in control but it all just kind of spilled out. maybe he just had one of those faces you could confide in, who knows, but his face seemed to light up. “hold on! give me two minutes!” he rushed off and returned with a girl. “this is *name*, she used to be a stylist at my company. she can help.” you brought her in and in no time she had the dress fixed and ready for the bride to walk down the aisle. the young groomsman must have been the magic you needed because the rest of the wedding went off without a hitch. later you found yourself at the reception with the guests all having the best time. the bride had already thanked you for everything to make their wedding perfect and you were just about to snag some leftovers from catering and head home when you saw him. “hi,” you walked over to him. he was at the edge of the dance floor, dancing with some of the other groomsmen. “hey!” “i just wanted to thank you for helping me earlier. i don’t know what i would have done without you!” you told him. “don’t worry about it! dance with me and we’re even!” he didn’t even give you a chance to respond before pulling you into the flow of the dance floor with the widest, most endearing smile on his face.

Johnny

•bridal party x groomsman

you weren’t quite sure how you ended up in the bridal party. sure, it was your cousin but you two weren’t exactly close and you didn’t quite fit in with the rest of the people she had chosen, but it���s her day and not yours, you decided. you did your best not to feel awkward at the events leading up to the wedding. most of the bridesmaids where snobby kinda like your cousin but you tried not to pay them too much attention. you usually found yourself at the edge of the room, sipping on something and observing the room. the biggest observation you found was this loud, tall groomsman that always seemed to be the one garnering the attention amongst the groomsmen. he was kinda like the life of the party and everyone either wanted to be him or with him. he kinda just got on your nerves.

unfortunately at the dress rehearsal, the wedding coordinator paired you with him to walk down the aisle. not only that, at the reception you’d have to dance with him for the first dance. “ok, Johnny and Y/n!” the coordinator called out and you felt yourself stiffen. he came and took a seat next to you. he leaned in and said, “i hate these sort of things. so formal.” his nose scrunched up. “you seem to be having a good time so far,” you countered. “i mean, it’s even better now.” he smirked at you. was he making fun of you? this had to be a joke. while your mind reeled with being “flirted with”, everyone else fell silent and listened to what the needed to do for the entrance. the main rehearsal went well, it was just walking which you can be fairly good at, but the dancing part was next and that made you nervous. everyone was paired up in a circle with their partners and facing each other. “doesn’t matter if you’re a good dancer or not” johnny loosened up his shoulders and rolled his neck. “i’m a good dancer, i got you.” he followed up with a wink. “great.” you deadpanned before finally taking your hold and imitating the steps. you hated that he was right. he was a good dancer, not only that he helped you keep up in ways you wouldn’t have if you had a different partner.

after the rehearsal you didn’t even bother going to the dinner and partying after. you made up some excuse about a migraine and went back to your hotel room to hide. at around 11 there was a knock at your door and you were shocked to find johnny on the other side. “hey! i don’t mean to bother you but *bride’s name* said you had a migraine. my mom used to have those so i got you a bunch of stuff to help.” he handed you the full convenience store bag. “oh… thanks.” you were stunned and barely could get a word out. “yeah, no worries. gotta make sure my partner is doin ok. i’ll let you rest though. see you tomorrow.” he took off and you shut the door still speechless and staring at the bag. for most of the night you questioned why he would be so nice to you. the next morning before the ceremony was so busy, you hardly thought about johnny, that was until the bridal party met up with the groomsmen. “hey! are you feeling any better?” he asked as he came over. “um, yeah! i’m good.” you mumbled. “well, you look great! i think i have the best looking date today!” he smiled. date? what? you didn’t have a lot of time to process what he said because the wedding coordinator was pushing all the pairs together and preparing them to walk down the aisle.

the entire ceremony you just focused on the wedding, or tried to. johnny kept smiling and winking at you and it took everything in you to keep a pleasant expression on your face. just before the reception, while the photographer was getting some shots of the happy couple, johnny pulled you aside to practice before the big dance number. he held you so close and he smelled so good. you felt the heat burning in your cheeks. “i need to get some air real quick.” you blurted out and rushed off. when the bride and groom got to the reception, you shuffled back in with everyone else. the dj finally announced the first dance and you made your way back to johnny. “we got this” he reassured you before the music started. he helped you though the entire dance and you finished with the biggest smile on your face. johnny pulled you along with him to the bar once the bride and groom continued with their dances. “you did great!” he told you. “yeah, thanks to you!” “no, no, that was all you, babe.” he shook his head before ordering you two some drinks. for the rest of the night johnny did everything he could to keep you by his side and having a good time. even taking you up to his room after the party was over.

Yuta

•old family friend

it was almost embarrassing. your grown age and you couldn’t even find a date to a wedding. you sat in the backseat of your parents car pretty much sulking all the way to the venue worrying about all the relatives and old family friends that would be there to judge you for not bringing someone and being single. walking up to the building, you were staring to second guess coming at all when your parents called out some old familiar names and waved as they rushed over to them. “my goodness! how long has it been?” your mom asked. “too long!” mrs. nakamoto agreed. “oh, your remember y/n, right?” “gosh, i remember you in diapers! how you’ve grown! so beautiful! yuta, aren’t they beautiful?” she put her hand on his back and he turned around. damn, that’s little yuta? you thought to yourself. he smiled and the whole world seemed brighter. “hey! y/n, right?” he leaned in and hugged you. “yeah! good to see you again, Yuta!” you barely got out because the gorgeous smell of his cologne nearly had you on the ground. when you went the let go, Yuta held you tight to him still. “listen, i couldn’t get a date. if you didn’t bring anyone, could you hang out with me? i can’t stand all the questions.” he whispered in your ear. you pulled back to look at him nodding frantically, “yeah, sure.” “cool,” he breathed in relief. his hand slid down your side as he walked you inside.

Doyoung

•both guests

while you were incredibly happy for *groom/bride/etc* the last thing you wanted to do after your nightmarish trek to this destination wedding was spend hours on the dance floor—it wasn’t really your thing anyways. while everyone else was partying, you noticed this guy from across the room nursing a cocktail and poking at the salmon, equally not interested in the party. unfortunately, one of the other guests took it upon themself to pull you into the conga line forming despite your protests. then as you made your way around, stuck in the current, you noticed someone else was pulled in front of you. they got him too. he was more expressive about his distaste but you knew that you couldn’t stay in this absolute hell for much longer. you took a chance and ripped from the undertow, grabbing the guy and taking him with you, conveniently landing next to the bar. “thank you!” he seemed genuine. “no worries,” you turned to the bartender. “can i get a bottle of champagne and two glasses, please?” thankfully the bartender knew you were family and the bride’s mother had already yelled at him once that night so he was feeling especially bitter. “thanks!” you grabbed the glasses, the bottle, and your new friends hand and headed for the kitchen. the caterer was an old family friend, you’ve known her since childhood. “Emma! can i get a big slab of cake, pretty please!” you gave her your best pleading eyes. Emma rolled hers and cut off a big piece. “one fork?” she asked. “two! you can give it to my friend here.” you nodded back to him, still grasping his hand. the guy looked between you both, eyes wide but he still took the plate. “have fun but go easy on him.” she teased you. your eyes rolled as you pulled him out of the kitchen and over to the emergency stairs. “wait, where are we going??” he asked. “you’ll see!” you kept leading you both to the rooftop. the sun was just setting and you could see a view of the ocean from where you were. you let go of his hand and ran to the ledge to perch yourself. the cork popped and the bubbles cascaded over the opening before you filled the two glasses. “i figured this was better than the party.” you told him. “you’re right.” he agreed before taking a place next to you. “i’m doyoung.” he said as he took a glass. “y/n” your glasses clinked.

Jaehyun

•best friend + date

jaehyun loved weddings so it was a no brainer when you needed to bring someone and your recent situationship turned out to be a bust (as they usually do). you knew he would say yes. he was the most reliable person you knew and the 5 years of friendship wasn’t for nothing. as expected, he was incredible. he complimented your outfit, brought extra tissues for when you undoubtedly cried during the vows, danced with you as much as you wanted at the reception, he even gave you his piece of cake. it was nearly a magical evening. the happy couple was leaving the venue illuminated by sparklers and when the car door closed behind them, you immediately turned to jaehyun to continue shenanigans. he was right with you you pretend the sparklers were lightsabers and began a duel complete with mouth sound effects. the two of you were off away from the group in the fading glow of the fireworks, laughing and completely in your own little world when it hit you. “oh my god, i love you.” it was not just a thought, to your horror, you said it out loud. the panic was short lived then the shock on jaehyun’s face faded and he said, “finally.” the sparklers had fizzles out and jaehyun let the stick drop before leaning forward, his hand resting on your cheek as he kissed your lips. the fireworks for the newly married couple began sparking, a mistake made by the wedding coordinator as they were supposed to go off when they were leaving but perfect timing for you. they imitated the ones going off in your stomach as jaehyun kissed you. he pulled away first, stroking your cheek. “you have no idea how long i’ve been waiting for this.”

Jungwoo

•assigned to the seat next to you

in all honesty, you didn’t want to be there but it was free food and you didn’t want to be rude to your boss on their happy day. the ceremony was nice but the open bar was even nicer. you grabbed the special event cocktail and made your way to your assigned seat. you checked a few tables until you finally found your name card. none of your other table mates had arrived yet but you took your seat and sipped on your drink. you took an opportunity to look at some of the cards next to you to see who you’d be making small talk with for the evening. you didn’t recognize either names but the one to your right, “jungwoo”, why did that sound so familiar? you decided it was nothing as some of the others at your table took theirs seats with a nod or wave. finally, the seat to your right was occupied. he seemed around your age, maybe younger with the sweetest smile. “hi! i’m jungwoo.” he greeted you with a handshake. “i’m y/n. nice to meet you.” the two of you talked for a bit, getting to know each other before the newlyweds made their entrance. suddenly jungwoo got up from his seat and made his way to the stage, picking up the microphone. the dj announced it was time for the first dance and that jungwoo would be singing for them. it suddenly clicked. he was in that singing group your boss’s new spouse worked for. you’d heard them talk about it before but never really knew a lot about them. his voice was so soft and beautiful with a clear tone, it fit the ballad they had picked perfectly. jungwoo finished the song and bowed politely before coming back to his seat. “that was beautiful.”

Mark

•childhood friend reunited

you were happy to be home, happy to see your family again, and so happy to be seeing one of your long time friends getting married. it was your parents and theirs that stayed in touch more than the two of you but unfortunately that’s how life is sometimes, you just lose touch. nonetheless, you were still excited to be there and see everyone. after the beautiful ceremony you saw someone you really never expected to see again. “y/n?” the familiar voice questioned and you turned around. your heart stopped in your chest. it was him. he looked so beautiful in his suit, his hair curly and dark like it was when you were younger. it felt like no time had passed. “mark!” you exclaimed. he pulled you into a hug, “yo! i didn’t think i’d see you here but i’m so glad!” “i know. how are you? are you doing music?” you had so many things you wanted to ask him. “yeah, i moved to korea and i’m in this group. it’s so dope. i’m getting to live my dream, man.” his eyes sparkled as he spoke. “that’s amazing. i’m so proud of you!” “yeah, but what about you…” the conversation continued and things picked up just as they were before with your best friend finally back in your life again. it was exhilarating. the two of you spent the entire reception together, starting with mark swapping places with your grandma just so you two could sit together. you practically spent the entire night on the dance floor laughing with each other. you never wanted it to end. “look,” mark started as he swayed with you in a slow dance. “i’m really sorry we lost touch. i took an opportunity and i didn’t tell anyone—“ you cut him off with a wave of your hand, “don’t even worry about that! we’re here now.” “dude, i know and i’m so happy! it’s just…” he paused. “i don’t know if i can let you go now.” his confession hit like a ton of bricks. you’d always felt something for him, even all those years ago, but you never said anything because you were worried he never felt the same. you thought about him so much when he left. at one point you had assumed the worst when you didn’t hear from him. seeing him again just brought back all the old feelings and then some. to hear after all this time that your mark felt the same, you were practically floating. “please don’t let me go.”

Haechan

•ex

you shouldn’t have gone. when you first got then invitation, you and haechan both were excited that this might have been the first wedding you two would attend as a couple but you didn’t even get to make it that far in the relationship. it had ended and you cried for weeks but it was for the best… or that’s what you tried to tell yourself. but one of your friends was getting married and today was about them. besides, haechan probably wouldn’t show up anyways. you were so wrong. you sat down in your seat for the ceremony and not two minutes later you felt your best friend elbow you. “don’t look now but he’s here.” you knew exactly what they meant but you weren’t about to turn around and look. it would was only a matter of time before you faced him anyways. that moment came all too soon. you had just gotten drinks with your best friend at the bar when you turned and nearly knocked into him. you gasped, just catching sight of his face before shutting your eyes completely to get your bearings. “i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to scare you.” that all too familiar voice cut through your heart like a knife. to make things worse, he took your shoulders in his hands. “it’s fine, haechan.” you said coldly, not looking up at him again and broke from his grasp to head for your table. haechan wasn’t having it, he caught your free hand and pulled you back to him. “please, don’t walk away from me.” he pleaded with his puppy dog eyes. damn him. “hyuck… please don’t do this.” you whispered, tears forming in your eyes as your stomach turned. “not here.” “fine!” with a hold still on your hand he pulled you out into a hallway. “this isn’t better!” you told him with gritted teeth. “y/n, please let me explain.” he begged. “why should i? you broke up with me! i loved you and you let me go! remember?” “no, i do i promise i do. things were just complicated with work and i was worried about stuff with management but i got it all worked out now! i promise! i love you, too! i never stopped!” donghyuck explained. “maybe but what if things get complicated again. hyuck, i can’t do this again. i cried for weeks after you dumped me.” “oh, please don’t say it like that. i messed up and i swear it broke me too. i haven’t been the same, ask my hyungs! i can’t be without you. i promise! i won’t make this mistake again.” he was almost in tears himself pleading his case. you breathed out, letting your shoulders fall. “promise?” you raised you pinky up to him like you used to. haechan smiled and returned the gesture. “i promise you,” his forehead rested on yours. “i’m not leaving again.”

[easierreadthandone4711]

Days Off

"...but all I ever took away from therapy was a somewhat clearer understanding of how messed up I was." - John Moe, The Hilarious World of Depression

I had expectations for my days off. The work week didn't end badly, even though a co worker of mine left a nasty taste in my mouth after speaking poorly about my work ethic to another co worker. The work load was easy and I was able to get a lot of reading done.

The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls has me triggered and infuriated. I won't spoil books here but when I say the parents have me feeling some type of way...smh. Its been a great read though and I can safely say my oldest is also my literary twin.

I haven't mentioned her yet but I made a new friend here in Nantucket, she works with me currently and has been such a godsend for me. I'm not even sure she realizes how vital her taking me under her wing has been. For my first day off I woke up early with an optimistic attitude and ready to get things done. The front desk was finally having someone come fix the heater after days of freezing at night - while he was fixing I planned to go to the store to grab laundry necessities and food for the upcoming week. I would return and go to the gym, update my blog and get some studying done.

Ten AM came and went with no maintenance man in sight so I called the front desk and asked them if I needed to be here while he fixed it, they said no. I was only slightly annoyed that I was beginning my day later than I had planned but, shxt happens and I still had the whole day ahead of me so no big deal - nothing is fucked.

The prices out here are crazy and every grab off the shelves made me sick thinking about the total cost going up. Shockingly, the laundry items were cheaper than I expected and I was grateful for it. Typically, I don't purchase items like that at grocery stores, as the cost is much higher.

When I returned, the heater was fixed and I filled up my mini fridge. Things were moving swimmingly until I realized I did not have a working battery for one of my devices. I managed to find a store with a cheap one thankfully - but there those dollar signs were again. I do want to clarify that I am not in a pinching pennies situation, however, as a government employee, the shutdown would effect my paycheck and to make sure all will continue being taken care of, I've been extra cautious about spending.

Unfortunately, all of this pushed into what would have been my gym time and I moved onto the next items on the list that I needed to take care of. I cracked open a black berry cider, made some turkey sliders and popped open my work laptop to finish enrolling myself and my kiddos onto my insurance.

There it was, an email stating I owe a very unexpected amount to the travel card issued by work. I gathered all of the statement/payment records and the notebook where I keep track of all my purchases and payments.

**Side note - there's a store in Boston called Muji and it was like stationary heaven to me. Other writers get it. Pens, planners, and these notebooks that hit like butter to my brain and I just cannot get enough. I have about a dozen of their notebooks, I would have more but I gifted my children and a couple friends with one their own. Giving the gift of a space for their thoughts <3 Just to reiterate, Muji, in Boston, chefs kiss.

**continuing..

I realized that when I made the discovery of these notebooks, I transferred over my bills/finances from old spiral notebook of lesser quality. Best decision ever, or so I thought. Normally I make sure to copy all the past entries so that I have no need to refer back to the old books but for whatever reason I did not do that this time. I was shxt out of luck and I was not going to be able to cross check my records with theirs. Its fine, I assured myself, just another change in plans today, I am going to audit the bit myself from day one, starting from May 24th. The new notebook begins in August so I figured, easy peezy. All is well, nothing is fxcked and I'll figure it out.

I finished out May and June expenses and prepared myself to compare mine to theirs - except, when I went to do so, I see that the earliest payment was in early July and I paid a couple hundred short of the actual amount I should have paid. There it was, the beginning of my spiral.

What did I do? How did I miss that many expenses when I reviewed them in June? How could I be that stupid? This is basic fxcking math - you fuxcking idiot. There you going being the cause of your bullshxt again. What were you thinking?! I can only imagine what the rest of the months look like. You probably owe the whole amount and more you fxcking idiot. How do you expect to make the next move for the kids if you can't even get your fxcking math right?! Math they could do. You call yourself a mother. You're just one fxck up after the other. It sickening the way they deserve better and they ended up with you.

Writing this out is troublesome because I sound really mean to myself. Sounds like a lot but in that moment, the glimmer of light I had began the day with was gone and I was once again the worthless waste of space again that can't do anything right.

I made a payment towards the card, closed my laptop, shut the lights off and turned on a random movie on Netflix. I sank into my bed telling myself it was okay and I'd be able to figure this out, Afterall, I've been through much worse than this, right? The gentle voice that I'd been working on was backed into a corner, the winds from the spiral holding her down. Numbers and images of the kids swirling around, slapping her around and making sure she stayed down, quiet. No, you don't get to talk yourself up for this one, stupid. So fxcking undeserving. You have one job and you're failing.

The movie came and went, unamused, I clicked play for the next distraction to begin. Didn't make it to the gym, didn't read, didn't blog... more than half my day gone, wasted. It brought me even lower. A few silent tears made their way to my pillow case, in those moments I focused even harder on the movies. This shapeless, colorless, invisible feeling was pulling me down deeper and deeper.

A knock at the door came, it was my new friend. She said she wanted to check on me before going to her room. I hadn't mentioned to her how I was feeling but in that moment, it didn't matter how she knew, I was being pulled back up for air and I wasn't going to fight it. I explained a little bit about the email and my discovery. She said, "you hungry?" I said yes and she gave me 30 minutes to get ready.

Dinner was nice, we spoke about football and the food in front of us. We remained present in that moment and that allowed my gentler self to get up and say it once more, it's going to be okay.

Depression doesn't work that way though, does it? As the book calls us "saddies", y'all get it, the saddies get it.

I played trivia with my babies until I couldn't see my phone screen straight anymore and then I fell asleep, hard. I'm not sure what startled me up this morning but I knew it was going to be a day of convincing myself to get out of bed. Don't worry, I made it out - lucky for me, feeling my body fat rolling around in bed is enough to disgust myself and I got up to prep for the gym. But first, my coffee.

While sipping on my coffee and scrolling through the social scene, I ran into memory lane. A video of my oldest saying good bye to her little brother, it was the first day of kinder. From behind the camera, I ask her if she's going to miss her brother - its quick and easy to miss, but I spotted it just then. A breath in, glossy eyed and a clenched jaw you can barely see because her cheeks are so round, a breath out, she nods and says "yeah". Her little brother looks to her with puckered fish lips for a kiss and they say good bye. The video ends there but the memory continues to play out...hand in hand, we begin walking towards her classroom. I ask her if she's ready, her expression scrunches into her serious face and her hand goes a little tighter. "Yes." she says it with conviction. I ask her if she's nervous, the scrunch gets tighter, so does her little hand. "No." I said okay, and gave promises of a fun day. I knew she was nervous, I could see the battle being fought in her eyes. She fought hard to keep that courage on her face and I wasn't going to let her know that I knew it was all a facade. I would never let her know that she didn't really succeed in hiding her fears, she needed to know she won that battle so that she would feel ready to take on what was up ahead. I held my own tears back that day because I needed her to know that I knew she had everything she needed to win that day. My tears would singlehandedly ensure that we would both lose the inner battles.

There was no gym today. I gave myself some grace and rested from the battle I have been fighting for so long. The wars that go for years hit different you know? My babies are strong for me, and I have to be too, for them. So this entry is serving as evidence I did SOMETHING today, even if it was more for healing purposes than productivity.

[cheolhub]

SAR HI! so i finally managed to finish mexican gothic and dang that was one hella weird book 😭 like ???

im gonna rate this 2.5/3 out of 5 because it just wasn't my cup of tea. it was really slow and like took ages to get the the point and actual plot. i felt they were repeating alot and it just got dragged alot which i hate, i dislike slow paced stuff ugh. and it doesn't pick up until the middle which is kinda annoying bc i was just reading and reading having no idea what's going on or what's supposed to be happening lol. i didnt like most of the characters either and i just skim read the half the book i could not take it anymore 😭 but like when everything was finally revealed like wth it was weird and idk what i expected honestly 😭😭 but yeah i didn't enjoy mexcian gothic so much.

JAJD IM SORRY I WENT ON A WHOLE REVIEW AND RANT ABT IT 😭 anyway i need a cute read after this now

how's the twisted series read going?

DONT APOLOGIZE, I ENCOURAGE UR RANTS. BUT that’s so disappointing 🙁 i hate that sm, im sorry u didn’t like it!! i hate the slow books :/ (unless it’s slowburn romance 🤭) thats kinda how i felt with this book i read called milk fed?? it was just droning on and on and i just wanted it to end,,, and i was so excited to read it bc the topics in the book seemed like important ones to explore but the main character was annoying, the plot build up was annoying, the entire thing was just… so bad.

IF U NEED A CUTE READ, read forget me not by julie soto 🥰(sunshine wedding planner x grumpy florist + enemies to lovers + second chance) i recommend this book to everybody bc it’s my fav romance ive read this year,,, or maybe try love and other words by christina lauren since fall time is coming up (childhood friends to lovers + second chance….fair warning, this one made me cry) BUT OBVIOUSLY U DONT HAVE TO READ THESE, im just throwing out suggestions 🫣

AND ok, i’m about to go on a rant so im so sorry for how long this is about to be.

so like,,, tell me why i finished both the first and second book… i think i already told u abt the first book?? about how i gave it 2.7 stars bc i fucking hated the plot and the third act and the ending … but skye…. THE SECOND ONE… OH MY FUCKING GOD. I KNOW IT’S CRINGE AND PREDICTABLE AND NOT REALLY THAT GOOD, but this book had me kicking my feet and giggling over EVERYTHING… the slow burn… was so good… OMFG i literally hate that i loved it sm like cant keep succumbing to booktok. but yeah, ngl i was blushing the entire time T-T it was sooo long tho. the slowburn was slow as fuck, like i dont think it started picking up till halfway through the book ?? but i think i just discovered that i REALLY like the forbidden romance trope 🫡

so i was telling my coworker and all my friends on goodreads that i needed to take a break from the series bc i felt like i was losing brain cells, but…

so here i am, 40% done with twisted hate. i am not the biggest e2l fan but ,,,, i kinda like this. i dont think it’ll be as good as the second one… but i will keep you updated 🫡 i’ll probably be done with the entire series by this weekend 😭 so sick…

OKAY SORRY FOR THIS CFFHDGHJ

[luvcherry]

Chatroom [3] ◇

Semi-Dark!Natasha Romanoff x Reader 3rd POV. Word Count: 7.9k.

Part Two || Part Four

Chatroom Masterlist

Summary: Y/n is more than half-way through the semester when she is confronted with too many things that leave her confused.

Warnings: angst, manipulation/gaslighting, arguing, relationship that is slowly becoming toxic, smut: somnophilia, sort of dubcon.

A/N: I haven't been active lately but I'm working on something for July that I hope everyone will enjoy! I have no taglist for this but if you want to be tagged in all updates regarding Chatroom send me an ask, message, or just leave it in the notes that you want to be tagged!

☆・*。

The first semester going by faster than Y/n expected. Homecoming had came and went and midterms were quickly approaching. It's almost surprising how smoothly things are going in her life. Y/n is slowly, but surely, learning to not freak out so much when it comes to midterms and other major tests and papers. Some of the change had to do with advice from Natasha, but a larger part of it was seeing her roommate be so strict school without giving herself any sort of break. Y/n wasn't allowed to have her friends visit her from the hours of 3pm to 5pm, and the lamp on her desk had to be off by 10. While Y/n was never that strict, some of the traits her roommate possess made Y/n feel like she was looking into a mirror. She doesn't want to come off ass so high-strung over such asinine things which made her readjust her behavior towards work and play. Y/n thought her roommate was being ridiculous but she didn't say anything to her. Confrontation is not her thing as she fears coming off as a bitch.

But once her roommate was sleep, (which she routinely fell asleep at 10:30 almost every single night), Y/n was under her blanket, ignoring the heat of the laptop searing into her thighs and she was online talking to Natasha. That's all she did on the laptop and Natasha teased her for it. She didn't care to explore any other part of the internet even though Natasha sent her a few links to a website called 'YouTube'. She sent her comedy skits which Y/n really didn't get, but she loved when Natasha sent her song saying it reminded her of Y/n. Y/n didn't know the songs but she would google the lyrics, even going as far as writing down some of those most significant lyrics in her planner.

Y/n was lucky to have a class that was originally scheduled for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday that only met on Monday. It left her Wednesday and Friday mornings open until she had a class at 1 o'clock. She'd stay up to obscene hours on Tuesday and Thursday night just talking to Natasha. After the little video she sent, Natasha wanted to see more from her. "You're so gorgeous like this. I love how shy and sweet you are, but I love this side of you just as much or maybe even more."

Even though it was hard to understand how anyone could find her sexy, she loved the feeling it gave her when Natasha said she was hot. Her hesitancy melted away with every new video she recorded. Stroking herself and showing her body off wasn't so bad when the person she's sending the videos only has sweet things to say. Her face just heats up when she randomly thinks about some of the things she sent to her girlfriend. She isn't at the point where she says anything dirty though; the thought of those words leaving her mouth makes her squirm.

'How have u been lately? Is school goin good?'

'Yea! My classes are great and I've been hanging out with Cindy and Amy some more. I don't think Cindy likes her sorority because she hasn't been keen on partying lately which is rare for her so they haven't been dragging me to parties lately which is great because we just get to hangout with each other

And it's not that hot out anymore! I love campus in the fall because all the trees start to change colors and it looks beautiful.

The only thing that's annoying me now is my roommate. I pray she magically studies abroad next semester or drops out'

'lol I highly doubt she will drop out but maybe u should sneak a study abroad phamplet under her pillow

I'm sorry you have a shitty roommate. She seems like a wet blanket'

'Yea but thats probably how my friends use to see me'

'no way...u r not a control freak like ur roommate is.

and even if u were its okay now because u r totally different from when we started talkin and when we met'

'Really?'

'of course! No offense but u use to be a little uptight lol but I knew it was bc of how you grew up. I was like that before and needed someone to mellow me out

I knew u just needed someone to help u out and I wanted to be that person

but u always been incredibly smart and u still study ur ass off lol but I can tell how much more confident u r!! ur not that super shy girl I use to talk to on chatzy I'm proud that I've had a hand in you change. Ur amazing and I'm proud of u!!!'

Y/n paused, reading the sentence over and over again until her eyes were almost glazing over. The only people who have said they were proud of her were her parents, grandparents, her high school sophomore English teacher, and the old lady who lived down the street from her parent's home. However it is a completely different feeling when Natasha says it. Her words didn't seem like an obligatory statement. Instead it is one that is more heartfelt.

'Thank you...

I just hope things get better. It's hard living with someone who acts like they fucking hate you even if you didn't do anything...'

'have u tried talking to her?'

'No...I'm kind of nervous to do so. She's harmless but scary at the same time, you know?'

'I get it

maybe you can do a roommate change next semester? I'm not sure how they do it at ur school but when I was in school we could switch our roommates the first two weeks of the sem.'

'Maybe I don't know I will look into it but I have not clue who's dorm I would relocate to.'

'hope it all works out honey <3

anyway, what are you gettin up to this weekend?'

'Not sure. Cindy and I were going to hang out but she might have an event to go to. If we don't hang out I'll probably spend my weekends studying like usual.

What do you have planned? I bet it's better than potentially studying all weekend haha'

It's the little things like being asked about her day or asking how Natasha's day was that made this all feel very real. The intimate moments were surreal, almost like a sweet daydream her Catholic middle school teacher would have chastised her for. When she didn't want to feel some of the lingering guilt about lying to not only her parents, but her friends, Y/n lets her mind slip to the more tamer, but nice things.

'truuuuust me I am not going to be doing anything fun this weekend

I'm taking on more things at work so I can have a few days off next week.

speaking of next week I need to ask you somethin...'

'I get so nervous when people say something like that haha

What is it?'

'well the reason why I am doing all this work this weekend is so I can have some days off next week is because it's my birthday next week

thursday to be exact

and my friends are planning this trip for me which i know u wont be able to join us since u have school and everything but we r having a party the day after we get back which is on saturday

I really really reeeeeaaaaalllllllyyyyy want u to come'

Y/n was so caught up in the joys of just simply being in a relationship that she forgot about going over the little details of each other with Natasha. Small things about learning each other's favorite color, what's their favorite movie genre, and things are not so small like each other's birthdays' went undiscussed until now. It didn't help that they were separated with no communication for half of the time they've been together so far. She feels bad for not being more attentive enough to ask when her girlfriend's birthday was. She opened Natasha's profile in a new tab and right there on her page was her birth date, which only made Y/n feel worse. It was right in her face but she was so caught up in her own life that those things hadn't crossed her mind.

She can't say no. There is no way she can say no. There is nothing either of her friends could invite her to that would make her say no to this. It would be a last minute trip but she had been saving the money her parents deposited into her bank accounts for a possible trip to the city. She's been saving for a trip, but didn't expect it to be under these pretenses.

'Of course! I'm assuming it's going to be at your apartment :)?'

'actually it's going to be at my friend's Bucky's apartment

u remember him right?

he was the one who owned that comic book shop I took you to

his apartment is so much bigger than mine and it'll fit all of our friends'

Y/n remembered her encounter with Bucky. She didn't know that to make of it, especially since Natasha didn't talk about him after that day when they met. She doesn't want to judge him because that is Natasha's friend, but he said things to Y/n that left her puzzled by him.

'I'd love to come! You'll have to send me the address!'

'perfect!!!

cant wait to see u and introduce u to my friends

and don't worry ur pretty lil head bc I know ur probably worrying about if they will like u but u r perfect and they will love'

Despite the self-doubt Y/n constantly swims in, she is incredibly smart. However blinding taking everything Natasha says as the truth is dangerous. Something nags at her, telling her that someday things may not go as smoothly as Natasha always promises. But, she assures herself, things will go right just like they have every they're together so far.

-

As Amy speaks to her, all Y/n can think about how Friday is quickly approaching. It makes her feel so shallow to be mulling over what's she's going to wear, but she's going to be meeting Natasha's friend as her girlfriend. Y/n feels like it's sort of like meeting the parents without all the formalities but the pressure gives her the same anxious feeling it would give anyone else.

Not only is she worried about coming off as immature because of her young age, but she worries that she'll say something to embarrass herself. It's irrational to think that Natasha would dump her because of simply misspeaking but it had crossed her mind and it almost made her sick.

Her problems seemed to pile on when she realized she had nothing to wear to a party that won't be filled with drunk 20-something-year-olds. She could ask to borrow something from Amy but her friend is talking a mile a minute about something related to cheer.

"The games have been amazing. It's a totally different experience when you're on the field and seeing the giant crowd from below."

"I bet."

"You know," that change in her tone scared Y/n a little bit. Anytime Amy gets a little inquisitive, she was surely in for a long of questioning that's going to make her uncomfortable, "you know how I mentioned how Luke asked me about you?"

"Yea?"

"Well he told me he saw you at the game."

Y/n feels goosebumps form on her skin. If Luke saw her then he saw her with Natasha. They were clearly together and even were holding hands at one point.

"He said it looks as if you were having fun. It's about time you're enjoying yourself and enjoying college! It's hard not to get caught up in the spirit of everything when everyone is so damn excited."

Y/n nods, still a little shook up. Amy doesn't look like she's holding something back from her. The only thing that is her saving grace is that maybe Luke didn't see her and that he just said that because he may or may mot have a crush on her. Him asking her friend about her is a tale-tell sign that something is up. Y/n wouldn't put it past him to lie just for an opportunity to get more information about Y/n from her friends. She finds it so odd that he has a crush on her, but there was also a time when she thought it was impossible for Natasha to like her more as a friend. Luke is nice but she has Natasha and that's all she needs.

"He said you were with some woman," Amy mentioned the detail as if it was small and insignificant. She wasn't even looking at Y/n; she was trying to fix her key change and she isn't able to see the look of panic on Y/n's face as she racks her brain for any excuse that will work.

"That was some lady who helped show me to my seat! She just so happened to be in the same row as me."

The nervous laugh and weirdly cheery voice she used to make herself seem as cool and collected as possible should have raised a red flag for Amy, but Y/n is lucky that it didn't. She just nodded in understanding. It's common for strangers at these games to bond over rooting for the same team. Y/n doesn't know that because that was her first time at a football game and she has never been immersed in sports culture. Her father likes to golf but finds a sport like football too violent, and baseball and basketball boring. She was never forced into sports, recreational or competitive, and she was grateful for that because she suspects that she's accident prone.

"You should come to the basketball games when it's finally basketball season. I always enjoyed watching those games more than football games."

"Maybe."

"Luke plays on the team. He's not the best player but he isn't a bench warmer so you'd be able to see him play."

"I'm not interested in him Amy."

"Why not!?" She whined as if this was affecting her, "he's cute, plays basketball, and he wants to he an engineer. He's also funny but not a hardcore partier which is perfect for you"

"I'm not interested in him. I haven't even met him! The fact that he keeps asking you about me instead of talking to me is kind of weird. I'm not intimidating."

"Eh he's just nervous you will reject."

"Well he's right to be nervous because I will."

"Don't be like that! You're finally opening up and I think you should start dating soon."

"I'll do it when I'm ready."

Y/n feels bad for keeping this from Amy and Cindy. They wouldn't judge her but she isn't ready to share this part of her life yet. It's selfish but she's justified in it. She finally feels like her life is normal and not restricted. Her friends are great but keeping this from them right now keeps the pressure off of her. She is just taking her time and enjoying what she has with Natasha. No one is going to sabotage that, especially not some boy named Luke.

-

Y/n has no clue what to wear. She can't repeat her outfit from when Natasha came visit, especially since it's more casual. What do people wear to birthday parties when they're adults? Jeans and a t-shirt won't cut it but it's also not super formal.

Y/n is aware that she is too wrapped up in trying to impress Natasha's friends so they like and approve of her. All she thought about in class was what she would wear, how her hair should look, and how she will act. She'll be heading to the city in a matter of hours and somehow she wants to change everything about herself to fit in when she doesn't even know what she's fitting into. Not all of Natasha's friends are going to be like Bucky she suspects, but she doesn't know what they're going to be like.

It's been a few days since she and Natasha talked since her girlfriend was on vacation with friends. Y/n doesn't know where she is going and who she is with but she hopes that Natasha had fun. It stung a little bit that she wasn't able to go because she's bound by school. She was reduced to feeling like she was a high schooler again instead of being a sophomore in college; she is not a child anymore but she also isn't an adult.

After her last class ended, Y/n rushed back to her dorm to get ready. The obscene amount of credit hours she took her freshman year and the GPA she had blessed her with being able to stay in a better dorm that was mostly upperclassmen which meant her and her roommate had their own bathroom in their dorm. She could get ready without the added anxiety of having to use the community bathrooms. The skirt she dug out from her container of clothes was something she was able to miraculously get her mother to buy for her. It stops right below her knees but it's easy to roll up and make the skirt shorter. She seen Cindy do it all the time before going to one of the frat parties; Y/n never thought it would be her doing the same thing.

Her reflection in the mirror looks decent, the best she could do on such a short notice. Y/n stared at herself and tried to imagine herself in the setting of Natasha's party, talking to her friends and having a good time. She has no clue what Bucky's apartment looks like but she fills in the gaps in her head. She sees herself with a glass of something alcoholic in her hands as she's laughing along to something one of Natasha's friends just said. Maybe she cracks a joke or two that makes them all laugh. Natasha is next to her, arm around her waist, and the love is palpable.

That is how she hopes things go, in fact she is desperate for it.

Y/n sits on the train with the directions Natasha gave her scribbled on a piece of paper stuffed in her purse. She purposely wrote it on the back of her biology notes so she could study for a test on the to ride from the city. Pulling herself out of the mode of being a diligent student 24/7 is tough. However her nerves made it hard for her to concentrate on her own words. Instead she studied the address, going over the mental photo she memorized off of google maps. The last thing she needs is to get lost on such an important night and freaking her girlfriend out when she doesn't show up for her birthday party.

"You seem distracted."

The voice tugs her eyes away from the paper and it's an older woman. She has a blue bag sitting on the floor next to her with a big umbrella that has it's obnoxious neon colors muted by the water still on it from the rain. Y/n doesn't want to be rude but strangers talking to her make her squirm. It's a symptom of how she was raised and mostly because of the social anxiety that bloomed from it. She pressed a smile to the lady and pulled her eyes away. She kept her head turned so she could seem open and friendly.

"But at least you look nice. Have a date tonight?"

The woman inched closer to her as if she was invited to do so. At best she was just a nosy woman who talked to any and everyone on the train so Y/n didn't see it as a problem to indulge her.

"Erm -- not really. I'm going to a birthday party for my friend."

How come she can't even tell a random stranger that she doesn't just have a friend, she has a girlfriend? This lady's judgment wouldn't mean anything because she is someone she is never going to see again. But the words physically can't come out of her mouth. Sometimes she wonders if her hesitance has to do less with worrying about her overbearing parents and more to do with her fear of this going south. Natasha lied to her, about something that is pretty big, while Y/n has been completely open and honest; she has even sent comprisable things to her girlfriend because she felt that's what people do in relationships. She is the vulnerable one in the relationship but she is holding on hard to the idea that Natasha would never betray her. It was one lie that didn't necessarily hurt her, but sometimes she wonders if there are things she doesn't know.

"Well have fun and don't get into any trouble. Lord knows I spent my youth raising hell."

When Y/n looks back at this time in her young adult years, whether she ends up with Natasha long term or not, she hopes that she can hold the same expression on her face as this older woman. A look of nostalgia, remembrance, and gratitude. Y/n hopes her memories of this time are only good ones, but if shit is going to go left then she hopes she at least walks away with a lesson learned.

-

Natasha was right about Bucky's apartment being nicer. It wasn't even an apartment it was damn near a penthouse. Bucky runs the the comic book shop but there is no way he'd be able to afford this all on his home. Y/n felt like she had imposter syndrome just walking up to the place. The man at the front desk stopped her and eyed her suspiciously because of her young appearance. He asked for the name of the resident she was trying to visit and he definitely thought she was just a kid clowning around when she said she was here to visit "Bucky." But luck was on her side because some more guests entered the building and they were also visiting Bucky, or James as they called him.

"Are you here for Natasha's party too," one of them asked. She was a redhead like Natasha and Y/n joked to herself that they might be sisters.

"I am," her voice was a little shaky as she followed behind the woman, and a man who didn't identify himself yet. They held open the elevator for her and pressed 15 to get to Bucky's floor.

"Are you a friend from work? I'm Wanda by the way."

"No, I'm Y/n-"

"Oh! So you're Y/n! Your Natasha's girlfriend, right!? She's mentioned you a ton but I kind of thought you were just an internet girlfriend because she said you two meant online."

"Uh, we did but I don't live far-"k

"Nat's probably going to pissed we met the girlfriend before she could introduce us."

Wanda playfully jabs him in his arm, "no she won't." She looked back at Y/n and gave her what was supposed to be a reassuring smile. Y/n was kind of overwhelmed by the surprise meeting but maybe this encounter would serve as a way to pacify her. If the rest of Natasha's friends are like Wanda then it wouldn't be much of a problem.

They got off on the right floor and Y/n followed right behind Wanda and the guy she is with. Someone, another stranger Y/n doesn't know, opened the door for them when they knocked. He looked happy to see Wanda and her plus one, but furrowed his brow at Y/n.

"That's Nat's girlfriend," Wanda tried to whisper. It was no secret that Y/n is pretty young, all you have to do is look at her and you can easily tell she hasn't left high school that long ago. Wanda didn't want her to get prodded with questions before even entering the party.

"Oh, ok -- well, come in."

He steps out of the way and lets all three of them into the apartment. For someone who seems a little rough around the edges, Bucky surely lives in a posh place. His apartment looked like something she seen in an episode or two of gossip girl. She is clearly the odd one out here because everyone is just acting like they're use to things like this while Y/n on the other hand tried not to look like she was awestruck.

"Let's go find Nat," Wanda grabs Y/n's attention by linking arms with her and pulling her into a different direction. She's so incredibly friendly and warm that Y/n sees her as some sort of savior even though she has known her for less than 10 minutes.

A few people look at them moving throw the rooms but no one keeps their gaze on them for too long. Y/n feels bashful about bringing attention to herself. Her anxious thoughts are not based in anything but her own self-doubt. No one is looking at her with judging stares nor is anyone questioning why she is here. At the very least they just see her as a stranger, an unfamiliar face, but someone who is supposed to be here.

Wanda spots Natasha first, a drink in her hand and two of her work friends talking to her.

"Natasha," Wanda draws out in a sing-song voice, "I've got your present!"

Wanda has her full attention when Natasha spots Y/n with her. She forgets about her friends she's talking to and quickly approach the two. Wanda unlinks arms with Y/n and moves out of the way so Natasha can have her reunion with her girlfriend.

"Y/n! You made it!" Her arms wrap around Y/n and she engulfs her into a big hug. It nearly knocks the wind out of her which makes this feel like more if an out-of-body experience.

"I wouldn't miss it," Y/n nearly whispers.

Once Natasha loosens her grip and pulls back, she kisses Y/n's cheek; their first public display of affection in front of people that know one of them. Y/n's face heats up at the little peck but she doesn't have any time to simmer in the feeling because Natasha grabs her hand and she's pulled into another direction once again.

Just from talking to them, Y/n gets the vibe that Natasha's friends are much older and seasoned than her; some of them even seem to be older than Natasha too. They welcomed her into their conversations but she didn't have much to say. She thought that mentioning her studies would be too juvenile. She's still in undergrad while Natasha's friends talked about their doctorate programs or how their years in academia are long behind them. The parties she attended with Amy and Cindy consisted of drunk people who wanted to dance, something she didn't think was her beat. But what does it mean when the party is the very opposite of those frat parties and Y/n still feels like she doesn't understand what's going on?

"Are you okay? Do you want something to drink?"

Natasha stood by her side the entire night. It was hard to ignore the hand that rested on her lower back and the warmth radiating off of Natasha. Y/n may have felt left out from the conversations but she felt like she belonged there with Natasha specifically.

"Can I have some water?"

"You don't want any wine?"

Y/n shook her head. She's not the legal drinking age yet and despite her friend's best efforts to get her to drink with them, she has never had alcohol before. Natasha didn't pry her for opting for water instead of wine like everyone else, she stepped away from the conversation with her friends to grab Y/n a glass of water.

"Natasha told me you were coming but I didn't believe it."

Bucky's voice appeared out thin air, just like him. His voice startled her and she turned to face him. Natasha's other friends were too distracted in their own conversation to say anything to him; Y/n even wondered if these friends of Natasha were friends with Bucky too.

"Why wouldn't I come?" Y/n furrowed her brow which made Bucky smirk at her.

"Relax. I'm just teasing you, but I know how busy you can be with school."

Y/n felt judgmental and childish for getting defensive. She didn't mean to but socializing when Natasha isn't with her makes her a nervous wreck.

"It's my girlfriend's birthday, of course I would come," there was still a hint of contempt in her voice. She can't relax around Bucky and that puts in edge in her tone.

For a minute there it seems as if Bucky's going to back down. He just crosses his arms and stands next to her, observing the party guest in his house along with Y/n.

"You go to Brecker, right?" His voice breaking the short bout of silence irritated her, but he is Natasha's friends and she does not want to have any problems with her girlfriend's friends, even if they kind of get on her nerves. However, he didn't even let Y/n answer, continuing with, "sophomore year? So you're like 19 -- is that why that's water in your cup and not a drink?"

"I-I don't drink."

"Most college kids are knee-deep in the worse kind of liquor a person can buy. You're not like the last one."

What seemed like a slip-up was not. Bucky added that last comment intentionally and he has so much fun seeing her squirm like that. She steps closer to him without realizing it and she looks so naive with that dumbfounded look on her face. Bucky can see the appeal of her, why like Natasha likes to have her around.

“What do you mean? What last one!?” Y/n’s voice went up a few volumes. She was too concerned with the answer she was going to be given to have concern for anyone else in the room, including the person who announced that it was time to sing happy birthday and cut the cake.

“It’s nothing — Natasha would probably kill me for even mentioning that,” he tried to laugh like he was brushing it off, but in reality he wanted Y/n to beg for him to tell her whatever he knows. She’s probably so curious in that pretty little head of hers that she might die if she doesn’t know. “I will say this though,” he continues, “you are probably the most serious girlfriend Natasha has had in a long time, and that’s saying something because you two barely see each other. She dated a girl from your school about a year ago, but it didn’t end well. She was around your age or maybe a little bit older. Natasha is a good friend of mine, we go way back, but I have to admit that she likes them young — and she seems to have a type.”

“Who was her last girlfriend?”

“Maybe you know her…she should be a senior now, but when I was in college I barely interacted with the underclassmen when I was a senior so I don’t know.”

“Why did it end? What happened?”

“Not sure of the details, but you seem to be in a good spot with Natasha so you have nothing to worry about.”

Bucky had sown a seed of doubt in Y/n that it’s impossible to believe his words. Natasha’s last girlfriend also went to her college in some wild coincidence. It had to be that because there was no way Natasha knew where Y/n was from when they first began talking on Chatzy. Still, Y/n stands there puzzled, upset, but wanting to know more. Natasha might be hesitant to answer her questions if she confronts her with it, but Bucky seems very open to divulge details about his friend’s past relationship.

“What’s her name?” Y/n has friends who know many people, they ought to know who this girl is.

“Whitney, I think? Or was it Emma…I don’t remember, she wasn’t really relevant. However her last name was ‘Michaels’ and she was a blonde and a little bit shorter than you.”

The names didn’t ring any bells and someone being a blonde who is “shorter” than her is too vague to pinpoint one person, but she keeps the last name Michaels in mind. She could ask Amy or Cindy and she hopes that they know.

“Y/n!”

Natasha’s voice snapped her out the trance she was in, but she was the last person Y/n wanted to see right now. She has more questions for Bucky, especially why he decided to tell her all of this knowing The look on Natasha’s face was unreadable but she certainly wasn’t happy and joyous like she was earlier when Y/n first arrived. With a sigh, Y/n walks away from Bucky and goes to join her girlfriend.

She’s by her side as Natasha’s friend sing happy birthday to her. An arm is wrapped firmly around her waist, but Y/n doesn’t feel all warm inside like she usually would when receiving these small yet intimate touches from Natasha. Her attention is drawn to the cake and the fact that there is no age on it. She’s just so confused after what Bucky told her, but she doesn’t have it in her to confront Natasha. At least not right now.

-

No one wanted the cake that was leftover and everyone is either too tired or buzzed to want to stick around any longer before Bucky makes them help him clean up. The party was fizzling out and Y/n didn’t have much to say. Natasha could see the noticeable difference in Y/n’s demeanor but didn’t want to bring it up while her friends were still here. It would be unfair to cause a scene or put her on the spot, but Natasha is not that happy with Y/n and vice versa.

“It’s too late to head back to Brecker,” Natasha says curtly. Y/n wants to say otherwise, but Natasha is absolutely right. It’s almost 1 am and it would be too dangerous for her to try to get home by herself. “You can stay with me tonight, okay?” It’s not like Y/n had any other choice. Where else would she stay? In an expensive hotel with only $118 on her debut card?

She finds herself having thoughts about Natasha that she never had before. Her happiness from earlier today was overrun with the bitterness of her girlfriend’s secrets. Y/n doesn’t have any secrets, but she tells Natasha everything about herself even if it’s boring.

There is a disconnect between the two of them that both of them feel and is unfortunately going to be addressed when they are alone.

“You two get home safe, okay?” Bucky addresses them both but he’s looking Y/n right in the eye. She hates the mysteriousness of all of this, and even though Bucky looks at her with a sympathetic look, she dislikes him even more.

She doesn’t want to be at Bucky’s apartment any longer, yet she doesn’t want to go back to Natasha’s place; it’s ironic. She’s being led out of the house by Natasha who walks with her hand and hand but without the warmth Y/n is familiar with. She should have left early to get back to her dorm, she reprimands herself, but it would be odd for her to leave her girlfriend’s party before everyone else. The pressure makes her want to explode in anger with questions. This was the hard part about being in a relationship with someone who lives a wildly different life that she didn’t think she would face. She’d much rather have petty arguments about where to go to dinner or agreeing on what movie to watch; those were cute things and not rough and ugly like their current situation.

Natasha’s place is not far from Bucky’s but it’s still a long walk considering the fact that they’re silent the entire way to her place. Neither of them utter a word to each other as they walk hand-in-hand, but Y/n knows that once they get into Natasha’s apartment then anything goes. She’s dreading it but there is no other option than to face it head on.

Her apartment is the same as the last time she’s been in it; it’s still pretty messy but still feels so comfortable that it almost placates her.

“You wanna tell me what your problem is?” Natasha ruins the small moment of solace Y/n has. She can’t look at her in the eye, not right now. Y/n is too emotionally exhausted and if she sees the look on Natasha’s face right now she might cry.

“I don’t have a problem.”

“Why would you come to my birthday party if you were going to hang around Bucky the entire time?”

Something snapped inside of Y/n. This is what Natasha’s pissed about? She’s jealous that Y/n was merely standing next to Bucky and talking to him?

“I only talked to him for a few minute Natasha!”

“Well you were practically all over him!”

Was she seeing things that didn’t happen?

Y/n’s conversation with Bucky was not a good one, let alone them flirting with each other or whatever Natasha is thinking was happening between them.

“No, I wasn’t! Bucky was telling me about your ex-girlfriend who happens to go to my school.”

It was clear that Natasha didn’t expect those words to come out of Y/n’s mouth, but she keeps her resolve, crossing her arms and furrowing her brow.

“That’s none of your business Y/n.”

“It is! He told me you go for younger girls! Is that all I am? Someone for you to corrupt!?”

“Hey! Don’t act like I ever forced you to do anything you didn’t want to do. You happily let me touch you and sent those photos to me.”

“Because that’s what you wanted! I did it for you, and you can’t even give me the grace to be honest with me. I don’t even know how old you really are!”

Y/n expected a rebuttal but there was nothing. She dared to look up at Natasha’s and her girlfriend was looking at her like an angry elementary school teacher.

“I’ve never lied to you. Whatever assumptions you made yourself is on you. You really believe Bucky over me? Your girlfriend?” The harsh tone she once had was fading into something more discomposed, “did he tell you that I only dated that girl for a month? I didn’t know she was 19. I was just settling down with my job and getting started on my life and I didn’t want to date someone so young. Plus she just wanted me to buy her alcohol and get her into the clubs downtown. I didn’t plan to date or fall in love with someone who was so young again, but you were different — you are different.”

Y/n stood there with egg on her face. She felt so bad, guilt damn near eating away at her. She didn’t trust Bucky from the beginning so why did she believe him tonight? The conviction with which he spoke made Y/n swear that it was all true, but Natasha seems just as sincere. Her head hurts as if she had been drinking tonight like everyone else. She wants to escape this moment in time, but she’s stuck.

“I-I’m sorry — I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” she admits weakly.

Natasha doesn’t keep picking at her. She sighs and unfolds her off; she can’t stay made at Y/n, not when her sweet face looks so sad.

“We don’t have to talk about anymore; we can talk when you’re ready,” Natasha nearly whispers, “we can go to bed. You can have my room and I’ll take the couch.”

It’s the best case scenario to be separated when coming off of such harsh feelings. Although she wishes that she had Natasha to comfort her, but unlike any other time she’s upset, Natasha is the reason for her feelings.

-

It was hard to fall asleep. The bed was nice and soft, way better than her dorm bed, but it was too small to be in alone. Not only was Natasha’s absent felt physically, but emotionally. Y/n wondered if she was struggling to sleep too and what was on her mind. She’s not ready to talk about things just yet, but she wishes they could’ve discussed all of this without it being a shouting match. Y/n has never gotten into an argument like that; not even with her parents.

She kept going in and out of sleep with weird, short dreams occurring. When she would open her eyes she wouldn’t know if she was sleeping or dreaming because she kept forgetting where she was at. Once she got use to how the bed felt beneath her, she relaxed and let sleep take her under again.

But she was woken up again some time during the night. This time she felt the bed dip and make a creaking noise that fully wakes her up. She goes to turn around but someone, Natasha, is right behind her, prohibiting her from turning around to face her.

“It’s just me.” She’s met with silence, unsurprisingly, but that doesn’t stop Natasha from trying, “I’m sorry Y/n.”

One of her hand rakes up the front of Y/n’s body and the other slides under her to bring her close. Y/n gasps softly when her body is against Natasha’s. Her heart begins to race and she knows that this is not a dream for Natasha’s touch feels too real and harrowing. This won’t solved things, having Natasha make her feel good physically, but her body was telling her to give in.

“Nat-“

“Shh — let me show you how sorry I am.”

Y/n didn’t want that, or at least this shouldn’t happen now. She’s afraid that Natasha will just sweep the argument under the rug if she placates Y/n by making her feel good. But the hand that dips down between her legs is making her head spin. She had only went to bed in the blouse she wore for the party tonight. Her skirt was too uncomfortable to sleep in and her bra had been discarded an hour into her trying to sleep. It was easy for Natasha to slide her hands up Y/n’s blouse and grope her breast. Even though she can’t see her face, she knows that Y/n looks so gorgeous. She can hear those small gasps coming from her.

“Good girl — let me touch you.”

Their bodies couldn’t get any closer yet Natasha still nudges Y/n towards her and she presses her front against Y/n’s body. They seemingly melt into each other’s shape.

She wishes she had more self-control, but when Natasha’s hand slip into her panties, Y/n almost loses it. She wishes she could be more stronger in a situation like this but she’s weak and wants to be touched. Natasha feels how wet she is and it makes her face heat up in embarrassment. It shouldn’t be this easy to make Y/n’s feelings melt away, but she can feel her anger and resentment slowly slipping away; maybe it isn’t healthy to hold onto that anger.

Y/n’s legs widen without her having to thing about it. It’s an invitation for Natasha who presses her fingers into Y/n’s clit. She earns a satisfied sigh from her and she starts to rub circles into her. She keeps her pace slow and steady, she doesn’t want to get Y/n too worked up.

“Does that feel good?”

Y/n answers without using her words, nodding fervently and her body is aching for more.

“Of course you do…I always make you feel good,” Natasha declares.

She picks up her pace a little bit, taking Y/n to a place that feels like heaven. But she pulls away for just a second so she can dip her finger into Y/n’s opening.

Y/n tenses up when she feels Natasha’s finger teasing her slit and then eventually pushing inside of her. There is a slight discomfort, even with just one finger. She’s still not use to being penetrated, but she feels strokes of pleasure licking at her.

“How does that feel?” Natasha’s tone is almost mocking as she whispers into her ear. Y/n needs to cum, but she wants Natasha to play with her clit again.

“C-can you — can you-“

Her voice is broken and she feels like a mess. She’s almost embarrassed as she tries to get the words out.

“My baby wants me all the attention of her clit, huh? You took my fingers so well back into the library, what happened to that girl?” Natasha kisses the back of Y/n’s neck as she pulls her finger out of her sex and places her fingers back on Y/n’s clit. “That girl wouldn’t argue with me — she’d believe me and be a good girl for me,” she says as she rubs sloppy circles against her sex.

Natasha is no longer concerned with teasing Y/n; she wants to make her cum. And she can tell her girlfriend is close by the familiar sounds she makes the seconds before she cums. While she’s dragging her to her high, Natasha thinks about what it’s going to be like when she actually takes Y/n instead of the brief moments they have together or just enjoying the photos and videos Y/n sends. Their first time together was the closest to what Natasha wanted to do, but not everything. She thinks about it often, what that night together may look like, and she’s not going to let it slip through her fingers just because her friend wanted to stir up trouble.

“Cum Y/n. This is what you want, right? For me to play with that wet pussy of yours until you cum? Then you better cum for me.”

A loud whimper escapes her and Y/n feels embarrassed by it but she can’t help it. She’s cumming hard because of Natasha who keeps growing despite the trembling of her girlfriend’s thighs. It’s too much, too overwhelming, but Y/n can’t voice it because her climax stole her own voice from her. Her skin is hot and beads of sweat form on her hairline.

Exhaustion sets in and her body feels heavy; she is completely spent. The last 24 hours of her life have been so draining. She’s mad at Bucky, and a little bit mad at herself for ruining what was suppose to be a fun day celebrating Natasha’s birthday. She feels like a bad girlfriend despite her not being the one in the wrong, but she feels that way. All she can do now is sleep and momentarily believe that

“Things will be fine, okay?” Natasha leans forward to kiss Y/n’s warm cheek, “just don’t worry.”

[andreafmn]

Running In Circles - Chapter 1

Word Count: 3,196

Characters: Female Reader Rossi Character, Aaron Hotchner, David Rossi, Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid, Jennifer “JJ”Jareau, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia, George Foyet, Multiple Unsubs and Victims

Story Description: (Y/N) Rossi is following in her father’s footsteps by joining the BAU team as a profiler. The girl genius knew almost everything but she could have never predicted falling for Aaron Hotchner, her boss and her father’s friend. in their world mutual feelings are not enough to push them together. Will all the adversities and obstacles they face pull them together or push them apart forever?

*DISCLAIMER* I do not own in any way Criminal Minds, all credits of the pre-established characters, script, and storyline belong to Jeff Davis and CBS Network. The only thing I own is Arden Rossi, any upcoming characters, and her storyline, as well as her effects in the others' story line.

Chapter: 1/?

Chapter Description: (Y/N) remebers her first day in the job and recounts all the cases and events that led to the downfall of George Foyet. 

A/N: I decided to say fuck the anxiety of posting and put up my Aaron fanfiction. It’s been gathering dust in my documents folder and I love writing too much to keep it to myself. I’m not sure how many chapters this will have but there’s already 8 chapters all finished up. Soon I’ll be posting ff of all the fanfictions I enjoy also! If you enjoy my writing I’ll also be posting them in AO3 and Wattpad along with other stories (I also hope to start taking requests if ya’ll want) Hope you enjoy and all constructive criticism is encouraged.

Next->

Chapter 1

“Good morning, BAU!” I said as I walked through the doors of the elevator and entered the bullpen. I could still remember how it felt the first time I got here.

I walked out of the elevator and made my way to the first office on the left. I was to meet

SSA Aaron Hotchner for an interview to join the BAU. My hands were shaking, and my body was getting warmer by the second. But I remembered my father’s encouraging words. “You’re gonna do great, mia bella.”

Not only was I extremely young, but I also had a lot to live up to. Being the daughter of SSA David Stephen Rossi was no easy task. He was an amazing agent, mentor, and father. He always pushed me to be the best at everything I did. When I started high school, I decided to get a head start on my college studies and applied to dual enrollment. When I graduated I did so with a Bachelor’s in Computer Science. Then, I worked my way to a Master’s in Psychology and Social Work, and a Doctorate in Criminal Justice. At the same time, my father trained me as a profiler. All my life I knew I wanted to be in the FBI, just like him. I was always impressed at all he did and wanted to be just like my hero. The day I told him I had been recruited by the FBI and was set to work in the BAU he said it had been the greatest day of his life.

Now my shaking hand raised to softly knock on the door before me.

“Come in,” someone said from inside. The door softly creaked as I opened and was met by a tall man with dark hair and a shorter blonde woman. “Agent Rossi, welcome.”

“Thank you, it’s an honor to be here.” I smiled and shook Aaron Hotchner’s and Erin Strauss’ hands.

“It’s an honor to meet you, Agent Rossi,” Erin smiled. “Have to say, you have a very impressive curriculum and your disinvolvement in our past interviews and tests have been outstanding.”

I smiled and turned the bracelet on my wrist for comfort.

“I must concur with Chief Strauss,” said Hotch. “I believe you will be a great addition to the BAU team.”

After sharing a few pleasantries and being handed my badge and gun, I was following Hotch to the briefing room to meet the rest of the team. Formally, at least. I had heard everything about them when I spoke with my father. He left no detail out.

“Morning, everyone,” Hotchner started. “I called you all in early today so you could meet the newest addition to the team. This is Agent (y/n) Rossi.”

To the sound of my name most of the mouths in the room dropped.

“Rossi, as in David Rossi?” The slender, messy haired agent said. I could only assume that was Spencer Reid. As my father had described him, a curly mess dressed in vests.

I nodded.

“Rossi, you didn’t tell us you had such a beautiful daughter.” That would be Derek Morgan. The hottie Casanova with a silver tongue.

“I hadn’t?” My father questioned and smirked, knowing full well the answer.

“Well, he’s talked a lot about all of you,” I smiled.

“All good things I hope,” Emily smiled.

“Great things,” I returned the smile. “I could probably make out who is who by the things he’s told me.”

“Go ahead,” Aaron challenged.

“Alright,” I cleared my throat and started going around the table. “Curly hair, vests, analyzing everything I’ve done and said since I walked in… you’re Spencer Reid.”

He smiled brightly.

“Tall, dark, handsome, and a silver tongue. Plus, you checked me out as soon as the doors of the elevator opened… Derek Morgan.”

He smirked.

“Calm, cool, and collected. Quiet but present, inspecting my presence here… you’re Emily Prentiss.”

“She’s good,” Emily muttered to Morgan beside her. I continued.

“And last but not least, bright colors, fun accessories,” I said looking at Garcia. “Even though you’re smiling, you’re not sure about me yet because you don’t like change and are probably going to dig up everything you can on me as soon as you can… Penelope Garcia.”

She stiffened and Derek chuckled.

“Don’t worry, I get it. I do not like change that much either. And here,” I reached my hand into my bag to pull out a rather thick folder. “I’ll save you the work. Background check, complete internet history, social medias, and all the whatnots you would need to build a very extensive profile.”

“Oh, thank you,” she reached out her hand and grabbed the folder, smiling at the floor.

“And well, I already know Agent Hotchner and my father, so they don’t need much of an introduction.”

“No, but you do,” my father said joining my side. “Tell them a bit about yourself.”

“Well, I have a bachelor, two masters, and a doctorate degree: I’m 23, I’m Rossi’s daughter…” In the middle of my thought process dad cut in.

“She’s beautiful, she’s intelligent, and she’s the one I call when I’m stuck on a case.” I smiled.

“She also passed every test with flying colors,” Aaron added. “And her profiling skills are exceptional.”

“Thank you,” I blushed. “I think it runs in my blood.”

“Well, welcome to the team,” Aaron continued. “Let’s get to work.”

That was almost three years ago. A couple of days after, I met JJ who had visited with her newborn son Henry.

In very little time I had grown attached to this family. I was most of the time partnered with Spence and we developed an amazing bond. It did help that I loved playing chess and we could have highly erudite talks. Also, I very much enjoyed his over sharing of facts. But really, I was close to them all. On my spare time I was found watching movies with Derek and Penny, perusing book shops with Reid, having girl nights with JJ, Penny, and Emily, or sipping on top grade scotch while finishing paperwork with Hotch.

Spending time with Hotch was my favorite pastime of all.

I realized I had developed feelings for him the day he was captured by Foyet and left at the hospital. Receiving the call from Emily that she had found blood at his apartment literally knocked the air out of my lungs. Reid could tell that my reaction would not have been the same where it had been any of the other members. For some time, he had deduced my attraction to our unit chief. Once we had captured Patrick Meyers and Reid had been sent off to a hospital, we sped off to St. Sebastian Hospital. I could feel my heartbeat going faster and faster as I felt time slipping by. More than once I had asked Morgan to go faster and with sorry eyes, he told me he was going as fast as he could.

Seeing Hotch on a hospital bed, greatly hurt, broke me. I knew everyone on the team, just like Reid, had figured it out. I was the first one in when the doctor announced he was waking up. His eyes fluttered open as JJ, the last one to enter, made it in.

“Where am I?” He groggily asked.

“In the hospital,” dad answered.

My eyes could not leave his face, even as all I wanted was to imagine him in a different state. Derek told him how he made it to the hospital and Emily asked Hotch what had happened. Closing his eyes, Hotch explained step by step how everything had gone down. Upon more investigation, we quickly figured what Foyet had taken and, a page from his planner that held his ex-wife’s and son’s current address and a picture of them, respectively.

Once we had that information, the team knew exactly what to do. Emily and I volunteered to stay behind and update the team if anything changed. As soon as he went to sleep, we let out a locked breath. But the relief was short lived as his pulse started to get exceedingly fast.

“What happened?” The doctor asked.

“I don’t know,” I croakily muttered out. Emily put a hand on my back as I softly touched his arm.

“Agent Hotchner. Can you hear me?” The doctor called out. “Agent Hotchner?”

He finally opened his eyes and responded. “I’m okay.”  

The doctor asked us out of the room as she checked on him and Emily helped stabilize my walk as we made it out. I saw the doctor and a nurse check him as I picked the skin of the thumb of my right hand. Emily noticed and grabbed it, knowing well of my nervous ticks. The other being closing my fist hard enough to dig my nails in it.

“He’ll be okay,” she smiled. “You know he’s a fighter.”

I softly smiled at her, not knowing if she said it for me or for her to believe it too.

Once we knew Haley and Jack were safe the three of us let out a relieved sigh. Hotch squeezed the hand I had been holding as he slept, needing the reassurance of a trusted presence next to him. He asked Emily about the scene at his apartment, but she could not give him definite answers. In a moment of silence, she excused herself to go buy coffee and I took this chance to ask him what had been going through my head.

“Do you wanna talk about what happened?” I asked worry evident in my eyes.

Sighing, he responded. “I don’t know. After he stabbed me the first time, it all goes blank.”

He looked straight into my eyes and I could tell he knew more than he let on, but now was not the time to push him. He had been drained: physically, emotionally, and mentally. In that moment, Haley walked in and I let go of his hand to leave them to talk. From outside of the room, I could hear the heartbreaking moment and knowing he was in pain shattered my heart. That day had absolutely devastated us as a team, but it only made us more determined to find Foyet and end him.

But life and work went on. The whole month he was off, I spent most of my free time helping in his recovery and his healing, using the little training I had in wound treatment. The other part of my time I spent with Reid, who was also in recovery. A far less pressing injury, but an injury, nonetheless. And he was my best friend, so I could not completely abandon him.  

We were all worried about him coming back to the team with Foyet still out there, but dad reassured us he would only be more motivated. Yet the first case back, he was different. He was usually professional and understanding, now it seemed that no matter how well we worked, we would make a mistake. And when we finally tracked down the unsub and he made his way inside the house, no vest, and no gun, I knew there was something different in him. I tried to follow him inside, but dad stopped me.

“We have to trust him,” he told me. Even with those words we were all unsure of the outcome. My head was working 1,000 miles a minute coming up with different ways this could all end up in, and when I heard the gunshots, my mind only went to the darkest end. Quickly we stormed in the house and saw Hotch putting handcuffs on Darrin, and a very dead Jarvis on a recliner.  

My father spent most of his time with me reassuring me that Hotch was still the same man he had been a month before. And I spent most of my time with Hotch reassuring him that he was not alone.

At the end of most cases Emily, dad, and I sat with Hotch in his office to drink a cup of scotch and unwind after a stressful day. I stayed nights overtime often and was there on the night that Strauss had landed a surprise visit to his office. The next day he became hyper focused on Derek’s work, which later he revealed to me the reason why. The bureau was questioning his leadership and he meant to step down as unit chief at the end of that week. This ended with Derek becoming active unit chief whilst Hotch was being investigated.

The days that followed were quite strange. We were used to taking orders from Hotch and now taking orders from Morgan was completely different. But business went on as usual. We worked on cases just as hard and solved them just as efficiently. With one case always hanging on us like a dark cloud. George Foyet. With every case we finished we knew he was still out there, which meant that Hotch was still hurting and hunting.  

But the dreaded day had caught up to us. With the last case we had been on in Hampton we knew Foyet had found Hotch. He was taunting Hotch, dangling his life in front of him. Once he had sent us that calling card, we pressed harder on our investigation, pulling at whatever string we could find.

Thankfully, JJ pulled our medication string harder when she found out about the ability to substitute prescriptions with over-the-counter meds. We worked tirelessly and strongly to shorten the investigation part of this case. We needed to catch him, fast.

“Wait a minute, guys. Foyet likes things that have meaning to him,” I said looking at the map presented in front of us. I could see that Reid knew where I was going.

“The eye of providence, the addresses in blood he wrote on the bus that led back to him,” Spence added, and I nodded.

“Maybe he’s doing the same with his name,” I said as Reid wrote down George Foyet on the board.

“Like an anagram or something,” Emily chimed. Quickly, Reid got to work on the theory crossing out and circling letters. Adding ‘The Reaper’ onto the board and utilizing it, once Hotch had pointed out Foyet gave himself that name. He kept up this process until the name Peter Rhea came to existence.

Garcia tracked down the name and quickly found an address in Arlington. We had found him, but it was just too easy.

We were waiting outside of the apartment building for too long, waiting for something, anything. Once Morgan had given his orders, the plan was set in motion. Still, something in the back of my mind kept telling me it was too easy. We stormed the empty apartment and searched for anything that would help us find his actual location. His computer was quickly deleting files, but Garcia was better. Haley’s protection unit was in trouble.

As soon as it clicked, we were on our way to the stash house. Inside the house Marshal Sam Kassmeyer was hurt, losing blood quickly. With the little he was able to tell us we knew that Haley and Jack were in danger. Sam had not told Foyet anything, but George was smart, unfortunately. He had disguised himself as a Marshal and lied to Haley to get her where he needed her. Only him had communication with her. Everyone was on edge wanting nothing more than to find this man.

In the office we heard Hotch’s conversation with Foyet. He was working hard to buy some time for us to find him but knowing George he already had a plan set in motion. He had eyes on the pair, he was with them. I could only imagine what Hotch was going through.

“Alright, Foyet has to be in control,” Derek said, breaking me out of my thoughts. “He had Haley come to him.”

“Yeah, but where would he take her?” Spencer asked. We all started thinking and speculating. There was something in the call that told Hotch where to go. That was the key.

“Reid, what did he say, exactly?” I emphasized on the last word.

“Haley’s hair looks good dark. She’s lost some weight. It must be because of all the stress you caused her. Where’s the little man? Oh, there he is now. Do you think he likes Captain America because of you? That’s your wife on the other line. Hold, please. Hi. Open the gate and I’ll drive in.” Spencer recited in a monotone voice.

“Open the gate?” My father questioned.

“It would be someplace with the biggest emotional impact for Hotch,” I said looking down to organize my thoughts.

“And Haley has access to the gate,” Derek added, and it clicked.

“Their house,” I said. “Where they lived together.”

“Of course,” Emily said. “Foyet planned this all the way to the end. It’s everything to him.”

“He wants to take over Hotch’s house, to be in control, to prove his dominance,” I finished. We knew where he was going, and I was sure Hotch knew too and was already on his way.

On the way, Hotch got a call from Foyet’s phone. It was Hayley. I heard the emotion grabbing him by the throat. We could hear the whole conversation and my heart broke when he asked Hayley the magic words.

“Tell Jack that I need him working on the case,” Hotch breathed out. One drunken night he had told me about how he had found Jack inside a storage bench in his office after he had knocked on it. The smiling kid had told his father that he was working the case with Hotch. Hotch knew what was going to happen and so did I. This was the best chance Jack had at survival.

When Hotch told Jack to hug his mom and he said I love you, I let out a loud sob and Emily grabbed my hand tightly for support. But I was not the one that need the care. Hotch did. Haley’s words would forever be engraved in my head, and in the heads of our friends.

Three gunshots rang through the line right before it cut. Then I could not hold back the tears. I knew. I just knew.

Hotch was the first one on the scene and all I thought of was that he did not have a vest or any backup, so god knows what could have happened. For the second time in a matter of months all I could ask for was that Morgan drove faster.

At the house, Morgan was the first one in and the scene that unfolded in front of us was heartbreaking. Hotch was hitting Foyet over and over, and Derek had to hold him back. He was dead. I surveyed the scene and instinctively went to Hotch’s office, Hotch following close behind. Jack had to be there. I let Hotch walk past me and watched as relief overtook him when he lifted the lid.

“I work the case, daddy,” Jack said. Unbeknownst to everything that had happened. “Just like you said.”

“You did a great job buddy,” Hotch lifted his son out of the bench.

“What happened to you, daddy?”

“I’m okay. I want you to go outside with Ms. Jareau. Ok?” The child walked to JJ and she took him out in her arms.

And Hotch let go. He silently cried and I helped him make his way to where Haley laid. I stood by the door and turned away a police officer. Morgan stood up and squeezed my shoulder as he left the room behind the officer. I stayed outside of the doorframe, listening to the sobs of a strong man.

Next->

[apiratewhopines]

Cover

Chapter 4/22 (updating daily)

Story Summary: When his brother’s best friend calls in desperate need of help, mercenary Killian Jones will stop at nothing to save the woman from his old enemy. Flying halfway across the world to meet Emma Swan was all part of the plan, falling for her not so much.

Between deadly inventions, criminal masterminds, and his feelings, he soon realizes he may be in over his head.

That’s just the way he likes it, really.

Rating: M

Thanks to @motherkatereloyshipper for reading this over and making it better!

“I like to push my luck

So take my hand, let’s take a drive”

-Let’s Fall in Love for the Night, FINNEAS

“He did what?”

Killian heard his brother’s roar from the other room as he turned off the shower. He tried to savor the last few moments of peace before he had to face the music. He had known his improvisation would set his brother off. Frankly, that was part of the appeal.

He had his arguments outlined, starting with the Swan girl—their nickname was going to have to change because he could personally attest she was as far from a girl as he was—made David in under two minutes and upended all their carefully laid plans.

Which was why he didn’t like plans in the first place. They never worked out. Not that he could convince Liam. The man was a born planner. He wouldn’t know spontaneity if it jumped out and grabbed him by the throat. His brother would die saying things were going exactly like he predicted.

But Killian knew plans boxed you in and kept you from capitalizing on opportunities that presented themselves along the way.

Like partnering with Swan. It was an opportunity he was not going to waste. Liam would just have to suck it up.

When he laid eyes on her for the first time, it was like a fresh breeze had blown over him after being stuck underground for too long. She was rough and tumble, with absolutely no idea of how sexy the chip on her shoulder was. He was instantly smitten, although truthfully, he was halfway there before he stepped foot on their chartered plane to cross an ocean to meet her. While on some level he knew she was a dangerous distraction at a time he needed his wits, for the most part, he was quite pleased with how it turned out.

He liked a challenge, and the flash in her green eyes when they met his convinced him she would give him a run for his money. Considering she had managed to chase down his partner without breaking a sweat, it made him wonder if this was a contest of wills he might lose.

The thought invigorated him.

The original idea was for Killian to pick her pocket and pass her badge to David. Then, he would keep her occupied while the other man gained access to her office. He would grab her early morning delivery, replacing it with a dummy package in case anyone else came looking for it. Easy. In and out. The second handoff would allow Killian to catch a plane back while David met with her under the guise of engaging her near mythical sleuthing ability to find a missing ring.

Unfortunately, a former Army buddy of David’s happened to boisterously recognize his friend mere seconds before Swan was to show up for her morning drink. David had no choice but to hightail it out of the coffeehouse before he drew any more attention and accidentally knocked into the woman in question on his way.

Killian had still managed to fulfill his part perfectly, taunting and teasing her so she wouldn’t notice his fingers dipping into her pocket. But the woman refused to go at normal speeds. Before he could duck out long enough to continue with the ill-fated plan bypassing her badge to his waiting colleague, she noted its absence.

It all went from sugar to shit from that point, forcing him to chase down their mark while she accused the wrong partner of stealing her wallet. If they hadn’t been connected by the latest Bluetooth headsets, expensive little things that were nearly invisible, he doubted David would have been able to escape.

Hell, David wasn’t the only one who messed up. He almost blew the whole thing when he let her name slip. It was a rookie mistake Killian blamed on the long legs he had admired over the course of several blocks. Only a quick dodge about her labeled order had covered the fact he had been thinking of her on a first name basis far more than he should.

Read the rest at AO3

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[golden-barnes]

𝓛𝓲𝓺𝓾𝓲𝓭 𝓢𝓶𝓸𝓸𝓽𝓱 𝓘𝓘: 𝓑𝓾𝓽 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓪𝓶 𝓘 𝓽𝓸 𝓭𝓸…..

Pairing: Spencer Reid x F! Reader

Summary: Spencer felt like nothing made sense but it didn’t scare him. Just intrigued him.

Word count: 1.2k

Warning: Mentions of the case they are working on, lil bit of angst and cursing. Mentions of suicide and eating. 

Author’s note: I forgot to mention that this is based on the Mitski song by the same name. Comments and reblogs are always welcomed. Sorry for the late update, I will be updating more consistently. I promiseeeee!

 Chapter I

All the hairs on Spencer’s arms stood up. Tara and Luke had left him in the interrogation room with her. She sat in her chair with her hands on her lap. Her back hunched, trying to close herself off from the world. She was humming to herself, as a technique to calm herself. Spencer didn’t recognize the song.

To say Spencer wasn’t worried for her would be a lie. Her face, when she heard that there was another suicide, would haunt him for a while. She didn’t even know what was going on; however, she was still affected by it. Spencer wanted to why. Like everything in life, he tried to get the how and why as fast and as efficient as possible.

Spencer looked at the file Luke had left on the table. Y/N L/N, grad student, linguistics. All of her achievements in 3 pages. She was smart. Her grades were impressive, and she even had a few papers published. Spencer would love to talk about them; her ideas were incredible, definitely academia-worthy. But it wasn’t the time.

Spencer quickly noticed the lack of personal information. No parents listed, no place of birth, not even a birthday. Blank, as if her life was only school. Even a letter from her preschool teacher was there. Y/N is very smart and helpful but does not interact with her classmates that much.- Miss Evelyn

“H-how long do I have to stay here?” Y/N whispered, still looking at her lap. Her body language was screaming one thing: stressed.

“I don’t know. I guess until we find out what you know.” Spencer answered truthfully. Trying to see if that will ease her worries. She took a deep breath.

“Listen, I don’t know anything. I’ve never seen these men in my life, and I most certainly have nothing to do with their uhm deaths. I’ve been living in the library for 3 months, trying to finish my thesis draft to send to my advisors. I don’t have time to plan some fucking suicides.” Y/N explained. She rubbed her temples.

“I believe you. It’s just that-” Spencer started.

“What? You think a grad student is a serial killer.” She interrupted. Spencer knew this was gonna be difficult, but this isn’t helping.

“This man, Nicholas Mclain, was saying your name before he died. His fiance said that he heard him on the phone several times the week before.” Her eyes widen at the information. Spencer continued.

“When SSA Alvez showed you the picture, you didn’t react, but when he mentioned the name, you looked uncomfortable. You recognized the name but not the face.” Spencer continued. Her focus went back to her lap, avoiding the picture Spencer had put in front of her.

“I-I don’t know.” She said honestly. Spencer could sense that it was making her more uncomfortable, and if that was the case, she was going to close herself off. He needed to build a repertoire if he was going to get some answers to this hellish puzzle.

“I know that you’ve been in the library for these past few months; I-I’ve seen you these past few months. I don’t think you’ve done anything, but I think someone wants us to think of you. ” Spencer explained; she looked at him with tearful eyes.

“Who would do that?” She mumbled.

“I don’t know, but we will find out.” Spencer promised. He wishes he could ensure that.

“The name of the newest victim is Elliot Lancaster. Another yuppie, but this time, it was more rushed. It was definitely staged to be a suicide.” Penelope told the Team. Emily nodded and turned to Spencer.

“Anything on L/N?” She inquired. Spencer shook his head.

“I don’t think she knows anything that is happening here. Oh, and Garcia, can you get me the rest of the file on her?” Garcia frowned.

“Sweetheart, I gave everything. She is like a ghost. I double-checked everything and only found that she is a brilliant cookie.” She said, slapping Luke’s hand that was trying to take one of the cookies she bought for herself. Luke rolled his eyes.

“Maybe there’s a locked file?” Luke added.

“But I would’ve been able to see if even if it was locked, newbie. I couldn’t find even an effing birth certificate, and she needs one for university.” Spencer was called to help find the missing puzzle pieces yet, he was even more confused. Mysterious family suicides, mysterious suicides, and a mysterious woman with no record other than academic records. How the hell was he supposed to figure this out?

“Where are you from?” Spencer asked the woman who was eating a sandwich giving to her by Garcia. After the third hour mark, everyone needed some fuel, especially Y/N. She grabbed the sandwich without even thinking. Spencer found another time to build rapport with her.

“Originally, from New York, but I grew up in Pennsylvania.” She said before taking a sip from her drink. She announced that with no hesitation, therefore she had nothing to hide. Then, where is that information?

“Did you like growing up there?” Spencer took a bite out of his sandwich. Garcia almost threw a shoe at him because he didn’t want to eat. Knowing that Reid doesn’t have any good eating habits, Garcia always makes sure he eats.

“I was surrounded by rich kids. Old money town, you know. Couldn’t wait to graduate. And even then, I attended a local university for my bachelor’s.” She commented, shrugging.

“What about your parents?”There has to be something there. Spencer thought.

“My parents had decent money; my mother was an event planner, and my dad worked cars. In the small town where almost everyone came from old money, they were “the help,” so they were on call every day. But that was okay; they went to every spelling bee and science fair and were home on the holidays.” Nothing in her words would sound any alarms. She was just average, not bad average. Just nothing that would scream evil mastermind. This just puzzled Spencer even further.

Emily entered the room, looking tired. Her undereye bags were more prominent, and she looked like she was running on pure coffee.

“Doctor Reid, Mrs. Y/L/N, if you would please come with me.” Y/N stop up quickly.

“Am I free to go?” She asked, almost desperately pleading for a yes. Emily gave her a sad smile. Y/N looked nearly defeated.

“Sadly no, we still don’t know who is behind all of this or if you are the next target. But you won’t stay here, we have a safe place where you can go, and one of our agents will be with you.” Emily explained. Y/N sat down, frustrated, rubbing her face. Trying to contain her tears.

Emily signaled to Spencer to get closer. Seeing as the young woman was distracted.

“Spencer, I am sorry, but you can’t go back to your sabbatical. I-”

“It’s okay, Em. I understand. I- uhm. I think I should be the one to go with her. She isn’t really trust, and I think I can get through to her. “ Spencer interrupted. Emily nodded at her friend and coworker.

“I think it would be a good idea. But Spencer.” Emily paused. She took a deep breath and looked at Y/N.

“Be careful. I think Y/N  knows more than she is letting on, and I wouldn’t forgive myself if something happens to you.” Emily whispered to the brunet.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.” But why did Spencer feel like he was lying.

[deathbyotpin123]

I'm tired

I probably shouldn't be writing this. Idk, I need to rant into the void or some shit. Past 5 years, have been utter shit. And every time I feel like "this is the moment I get to slow down and relax" another shitty thing happens and I'm back in the survival mode.

(There's like... a lot of swearing below the cut. I'm sorry. I'm tired.)

I honestly thought, after getting diagnosed with the thyroid issues recently, and after all I went through in the past 5 years, that maybe I can rest now and just draw my comic in peace. Go to work. Get my shitty paycheck from my asshole boss... But no.

My boss has to go and start this whole talk about how he might transfer us to be freelancers. Then two days later, he starts this talk how he might pay us by some kind of provision. Then in the end goes "well actually, you know we're not gonna do any of that, I'm just going to start holding people accountable for their work quality and following deadlines". Which? My dude, bravo, took you years to figure out it's how every god damn fucking company is supposed to work. But whatever. The thing is, now I'm worried sick I might need to find another job. I'm not mentally equipped for another job. I don't want another job. But the asshole owes me 2 paychecks. 2 fucking paychecks. And I did my job on time. I completed all of my tasks. He owes only 1 paycheck to the other fuckers who got us into this mess. Fuck you very much, you fucking asshole.

I don't want a new job where I gotta go and be all smiles and fun times. I just want peace. I want to draw shit and get paid for that. Only I don't know how to even try to reach people to sell my art to. Social media is turning into a steaming pile of shit where I guess I bored my followers to death. I get barely any comments. I get barely any prompts. Like, I'm standing there on IG, waiving free art at people and not one person wants it. Am I to expect they would pay for it?

I'm tired of trying to promote my comic. I was hoping to stop trying to promote shit and just relax for a month. But thanks to my fucking boss, that's not a fucking option. No, I gotta go to Tapas forum with 3794234798 fucking topics that are all "just updated? post here!" or "sub 4 sub". Fuck your sub for sub. How the fuck is a sub 4 sub supposed to help me when you're not gonna fucking read it?

How?

(And I'm not even gonna go into the whole thing of how fucking tired I am that I can't draw NSFW stuff anywhere. God forbid we show a boob or a bare ass online...)

I am barely hanging on at this point.

I don't know how the fuck I haven't lost my mind completely. Like, hey, at least the therapy for the thyroid is keeping the panic attacks away for now, I guess.

But honestly?

I want to burn everything. Close all social media accounts. And just... disappear. Just fucking disappear from all of that draining, mother fucking bullshit. Because people no longer know how to interact with each other. Because I get fucking memes from my best friend. The bitch is taking 20 pills for her health every day and I didn't even know that because all she does is send me memes.

That's what 19 fucking years of friendship has come down to. Every 3 days we send each other a meme. Twice a year we might hang out. Ooooh.

Other friends? "I don't know her." One moved away. Another constantly works. Third one got a kid. Forth one pulls out a planner when you ask him to meet with us... A planner. Sir, you don't even have a job.

I saw a person from a different fucking continent more times last year, during fucking COVID, than I saw my friends.

What is my life even anymore at this point?

[soramel]

Chained to you (Part 3)

genre: angst, romance, unconventional relationship warning: eventual smut A/N: cross-posted from wattpad; updates are uploaded there first

1 2 3 4

Part 3 teaser:  Looking around, Taehyung was nowhere to be seen. Although this was just a casual dinner, he could at least have the courtesy to come with you in a family gathering.

Part 3  words: 3.9k

"I can't believe you ditched me for two weeks," Sunmi complained as she finished the coffee in her cup.

She went on a surprise visit in your office as you were preparing to get off your duty.

To distract her from her rampage, you told how your mom has been doing after the accident. Then you went on how your wedding with Taehyung will push through regardless. However, you didn't tell her the full story on how that one unfolded. It was a long story to tell and you don't have time for it.

You let out a tired sigh. "I'm caught up with a lot of stuff, Sunmi," you simply uttered.

She then replied, "A text won't hurt. But I get it, fine. You're always this cold anyway," she said as she rolled her eyes.

Glancing at your watch, it's already 7 pm. "Look, I have to visit my mom before going home," you told her, sending a signal that you really have now to go.

Your mother hasn't woken up yet but the doctor said that her reflexes are getting better. The other day, when her finger moved, relief washed through you. It's a little progress but it meant a lot. It gave you hope.

"And when are we going out again?" Sunmi asked, with a glint of hope in her eyes. You cleared your throat as you contemplated whether you should join her in one of her parties or not. The last time, she got you in deep trouble.

Sunmi wore her puppy eyes as she stalked towards you, "Please? I'm stressed because of my boss. I want to go out again with you!"

"Sunmi, I can't party all the time," you retorted.

"You speak as if you go to parties with me so often! It was just that night when I managed to get you that drunk," she complained. You laughed at her reasoning.

She then pouted, "You're a fun drunk... or I think you're really fun if you just let loose without alcohol."

"Being drunk is not fun. I'll think about it. If I'm free, I'll go with you," you resigned just to get her off your back.

You both headed out of your office then your bodyguard muttered something silently as he held his earpiece. Sunmi was taken aback by his presence.

"You have a bodyguard now?" she asked as you both headed towards the lift. You were used to having Saeho follow you around and learned to ignore him. Now that Sunmi pointed it out, you became conscious as you conversed with your friend.

Nodding back at her, you said, "For safety, according to Taehyung."

She chuckled back at that, "More like for him to keep track of you."

"I have to meet him someday, you know," she added, "If he looks as bad as you were saying, I could do something about it."

You bit your lip at her rambling.

She turned to you excitedly, "Oh, I have this model friend of mine, I can hook you up with him,"

"Sunmi..." you uttered, giving her a warning to shut up.

She raised her brow, "What? I can't let you get hooked by some rich SOB. I'll disown you."

"Or is he a DOM?" she asked boldly as she took your left hand near her face, observing the ring again.

Her question made you scrunch your forehead in confusion.

"Dom?" you asked.

She nodded back as she lets go of your hand, "Dom. Dirty old man."

The elevator doors opened at the lobby floor. You slowly walked out with her by your side and with your security behind you.

"A lot of them are driving in a fancy sports car. He exactly fits the description you gave me. Plus that kind of ring?" she took a deep breath and shivered.

At that, you purse your lips. You're sure the man behind you heard that, you just hope that this won't get to Taehyung's knowledge.

"I didn't tell you he's old. We're of the same age," you defended, trying to save yourself.

"Oh,"

"Are you coming with me? I can drop you off somewhere," you offered as you come out of the revolving door.

"Nah, I have my car down the street. I'll see you soon, okay?" she said, with threat in her eyes.

Just in time, a familiar black Benz rolled off in front of you.

Shortly after, Taehyung emerged from the driver's side. Surprise was evident in your eyes as you watched him walk his way towards you. He was casually dressed in a dark green sweater and brown trousers.

"Too bad, you're taken huh?" Sunmi whispered beside you. She was also ogling at him. For some reason, a blush crept up in your cheeks.

You were flustered as to how to handle the situation at hand, but firstly, you wonder what he's doing here.

"Let's go?" he casually asked as he stopped in front of you.

Sunmi is now watching you two with disbelief in her eyes. She looked at you then at Taehyung's hand which he nonchalantly reached out to yours, taking your hand in his. Sunmi noticed the rings you both were sporting.

You gulped as you watched her dumbfounded reaction.

"You liar," she muttered accusingly.

Taehyung turned his head to your friend, "Pardon?" he said, his voice sounded distant.

Before the situation gets out of hand, you decide to come clean. "Sunmi, this is Taehyung. Taehyung, she's my friend, Sunmi."

He looked like he didn't care, so you proceeded, "I have to go now, Sunmi."

She nodded back but it looked like she's out of it.

Taehyung then ushered you to the passenger side.

Once you were both inside the car, he shifted gear after glancing at the rearview mirror. You saw Saeho getting in your SUV as they pulled in a convoy.

#

"I'm meeting your father in the hospital," Taehyung simply told you while navigating through the bustling city.

"And I have to talk to you about the wedding,"

What? Is he backing out for real?

Your pride was crushed again at the thought of him abhorring being with you.

"My secretary booked a venue already. We can accommodate up to a hundred guests," you told him.

His forehead scrunched at the information, "Make it 300."

You were relieved at what he said but more so it made you scoff. You already think that a hundred was too much but given that you also have to invite some of your dad's colleagues, you and Jae settled on a hundred guests.

Also, you don't want a grand wedding that will be difficult to top off once you have your real one.

"300 is too much," you muttered, holding your tongue in your cheek.

"Aren't we having it in Waldorf? Your hotel? We can hold more guests if that's the case."

"Send me your list and I'll take a look at it," he added.

He made it clear that he's not into details. Why is he making a fuss about it now? But knowing the reason behind that was beyond you.

At the stoplight, he fumbled with the dashboard and browsed through his contacts. He stopped at one particular name and pressed call.

The person picked up after a few rings.

"Mr. Kim!" a voice of a man which sounded too girly for a baritone one was heard from the other line.

Taehyung smiled and greeted, "Charles, I have something for you."

"What is it? A yacht party? or do you want it on a ferry like the last one? I heard you're getting married!" the man named Charles rambled on the phone, his voice sounded more excited than before.

You watched Taehyung in disbelief.

"It might be too late to inform the guests about that. We're having it at Waldorf," he replied.

"Oh," Charles' voice sounded a bit disappointed, but he quickly recovered.

"In Incheon! That will be fine. What's your target date?"

"The soonest,"

Charles didn't even falter as he quickly asked, "Number of guests?"

"Three hundred?"

"A grand one! Make it a thousand!" your jaw dropped at where this conversation is going. You glared at Taehyung beside you who were having too much fun.

The traffic moved forward and you huffed in your seat.

"Make this event worthwhile for your portfolio. My wife is pretty chill with the details," you heard him say, his tone sounding mockful at the last sentence.

"Oh, thank you! Let me work my magic!"

"Alright, I'll give your number to her secretary. He's handling these kinds of things for her."

"Sure sure! Do that! Best wishes on your marriage!"

When the call ended, you threw him an irritated glance. "We already arranged things. Jae will be very disappointed," you glumly told him. He just threw your secretary's hardwork out of the window!

"I'm just making sure," he shrugged. There are times when Taehyung is bearable but this bossy and arrogant side of him ticks you off in all places.

"Then you should have volunteered earlier so I didn't have to go through all that fuss!"

"Your secretary is doing it all for you anyway and how sure are you that he can pull this thing off?"

"He's working with a wedding planner,"

"Charles is much more experienced. He hosts my mom's parties."

He then threw you a quick glance before letting out a chuckle. "You're so cute when you're mad," he uttered before biting his lower lip.

The remark only irritated you more. You badly want to strangle him using his seatbelt. If it were not for your dear life. It was a bad call. You cannot live with this man with this kind of attitude.

Taehyung rubbed you off the wrong way that night. You were pissed off that you ended up giving him a silent treatment. After arriving in your mom's suite, he and your dad went outside for a talk. For what is that all about, you didn't care.

"Mom..." you blurted out with longing in your voice. You blinked rapidly to stop your tears from falling. She looked frail lying on the hospital bed. Your mother was always radiant and looked best. Seeing her getting thinner as time goes by breaks your heart.

"Everything's fine. I'm handling things well with the board," you ran your hand on her head, gently giving her comforting pats. At least, the machines attached to her lessened.

"But you should wake up soon, okay?"

After some time, the two gentlemen walked back into the room. You stood up to face your father. He's been so busy that you barely had time to see each other despite him living in the same house.

"We can go home together if you'd like," you offered him.

He shook his head in response, "I still have a lot of paperwork to do."

This one made you frown, "Dad, please don't neglect your health," you told him, irritation laced in your voice. He might have been overwhelmed now that your mother is not there to help him. On your end, you're doing everything you can to keep your company afloat.

"We don't have enough time before the campaign starts. I'm making sure everything is well-prepared,"

You let out a sigh, "Alright. If I can do anything for you, let me know."

He let out a tired smile as he told you, "You're doing more than enough, Y/n."

Then your dad turned to Taehyung and said, "Drive her home, please. It will make me more at ease."

Taehyung nodded gently but you protested, "Dad, I have Saeho so you don't have to worry."

"It's fine. We'll get going now, sir," Taehyung retaliated, you sent him a glare but he just ignored it. Fine, he's the one getting tired anyway.

You then turned to your mother and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, "I love you, mom. I'll see you tomorrow," you whispered.

The whole car ride was silent. You chose to sleep on the way home instead of keeping him company. When the car turned into a halt, you woke up just in time to see that you'd arrived. The porch is dimly lit and the mansion looked sad.

Without a word, you simply unbuckled your seatbelt, grabbed your bag, then climbed out of the car. Taehyung climbed out too as your door slam shut.

"Y/n," the stern in his voice made you look back at him. He quickly sauntered to your side.

With furrowed brows he asked, "What's wrong with you?"

You purse your lips as you answered, "Nothing."

He clicked his tongue before answering, "You're acting like a bitch."

Your mouth fell agape at his statement. It painted your face red and you're now fuming mad at him. You pushed his shoulder back harshly but he stood in place. "Asshole. Get lost," you told him, irritation filled your tone.

He quickly grabbed your wrist before you could walk away, sending you stumbling into his chest.

"I won't tolerate this kind of behavior so you tell me what's wrong," his words dripped off like acid, almost scaring you.

You gulped then averted your eyes from his piercing gaze.

He tilted his head to the side, chasing your eyes but you couldn't bear to look at him.

He threw your secretary's hardwork off the window. That means he also threw your work away. Every output that Jae and the wedding planner has, it went through your approval. You would extend outside working hours choosing the catering, flowers, theme colors. You're also about to meet your designer for your wedding gown. Almost everything is settled according to your taste and Jae helped out in filtering down the list you can choose from.

But you would burrow your own hole first before Taehyung would know that you became pretty much hands-on in this affair.

You're not supposed to care, but at the end of the day, it's still your wedding.

"Y/n," he called out for the second time, his voice much more irritated than before.

You let out a resigned sigh, "I'm just tired," you told him dismissively.

You pulled your hand back out of his grip but Taehyung won't let go.

"Tae," you whined.

Your eyes grew a fraction when his eyes darkened in response. You didn't mean to call him that. You wet your lips before uttering, "It's getting late, you should go ahead."

But he didn't understand what you said. His whole attention was focused on your inviting lips, he hated to admit it but he still thought of that night he had with you, under his sheets.

Taehyung held your chin in between his forefinger and thumb, tilting your head up a bit. Before you could even react, he placed a chaste kiss on your lips.

Your eyes widened out of surprise, but you were still deep rooted to the ground.

He bit his lip as he watched for your reaction. "I'm sorry, I just missed you," he muttered. "Are we okay now?" he asked after. Taehyung then casually placed both his hands on your sides.

"I don't like that you're interfering with the preparations," you started,

"You should have taken the task before I handed it to Jae so he doesn't have to work extra for it."

Taehyung nodded in understanding.

"And he knows what I like, that's why I trusted him with that," you added.

Irritation flashed in his eyes but it was gone before you knew it. He let out a sigh, "Just have him work with Charles instead. Charles will make it better."

You purse your lips while contemplating on the compromise he offered.

"I don't want a grand wedding. Make sure he doesn't overstep, my preference will be followed according to what Jae picks. "

There was hesitance in his eyes before replying, "Your taste. Noted. But having it grand..."

"Taehyung," you called sternly. You cannot believe you're arguing with this kind of stuff with him. "Grand is not my taste," you retaliated.

He threw a smirk at your statement, "Coming from you, princess," he said looking at you from head to toe. He smiled at his own realization so he nodded, "Okay. I'll tell Charles about it."

You furrowed your brows at him, adjusting your gaze on his face as he seemed closer, "And don't call me princess. I hate it."

His smile grew which confused you. Is there something funny at what I said?

"I'm serious."

Taehyung nodded as he closed his eyes and let out a shuddered breath. You failed to notice that throughout the argument, he managed to pull you close to him. His hands were now encircling your waist.

Placing your hands on his chest, you took a step back, pushing him away.

"I'll go now," you finally said before turning your back on him and climbing up the porch.

#

After a shower, you dialed up Hoseok, your private investigator.

"Any leads?" you asked the man on the other side of the line. He made you use another phone just to make sure no one will rat you out when you're investigating everything on your own.

"The man knew the route he's taking. He managed to hide his face from the cctv cameras until he disappeared in the crowd in Myeongdong," he reported. It made you feel frustrated and cornered.

"So what now?"

"On the other hand, I found something interesting, Ms. Y/n."

"The cops are playing russian roulette with your father's potential opponents," he started.

Your brows furrowed at the stupidity of their action, "That will be a long list and how will they know?"

"I'm curious myself, here's more,"

"The Kims are doing things on their own. I just can't identify the path they're taking but from what I gathered they're looking at a different angle in this case. I have a hunch they're misleading the police with information while they figure things out."

That's impossible, you thought to yourself. With an inhale, you told Hoseok, "That's too far off, don't you think? They're the closest family friend we have, I doubt they'll do that."

"I'm not saying they're doing a bad thing, Ms. Y/n. It could be that or there's a beneficial reason for your end for them to mislead the police. I don't know if your dad knows about this. If he knows then your family is safe, if he doesn't..."

Then the worst thing happened. The situation piqued your curiosity, but you couldn't afford to talk to your father yet. There's a ceasefire, but you're not yet at ease to have a serious talk with him regarding the Kims.

"With that, I'm asking for your cooperation. You have to find it out yourself, Ms. Y/n. While I'll try to infiltrate the Kims to get my hands on this one. But that won't be easy,"

Hoseok's right. They own the most trusted security system company in Korea, how long will that take for Hoseok?

"I'm getting married soon, Hoseok, can you at least dig something out before that?"

The man laughed at the question. "I hate to admit this, but your marriage may help you infiltrate to get some info. You know how the Kims are," he replied, dropping the formalities.

You don't like the unspoken idea of Hoseok. Getting in too deep might-- you held on that thought and quickly erased it off your head. You'll just make sure everything falls into its rightful place.

#

The wedding was a grand affair. You hated it. You sent death glares to your secretary when you saw the filled banquet hall. The look in your eyes made Jae pull you aside and explain. According to him, this was the best he could do, he already made a lot of compromise with Charles. Your initially approved designs, everything, went through in exchange of making it a three-day event.

It kicked off with a laid-back welcome party on a Friday night.

"I thought it's just a family dinner," you muttered under your breath.

Jae pursed his lips. Suddenly nervous at the hysteric in your voice trying to lash out.

"Well, the country is a family to your father," he whispered in an attempt to reason his way out.

"You could have at least told me. You know I hate being surprised like this. I'm..." the sentence trailed off with a sigh from your mouth.

"I know, but I couldn't bother you with things like this. You were occupied enough with the board. Just pull yourself together for the night. Let tomorrow deal with itself,"

He's right. You thought to yourself. Looking around, Taehyung was nowhere to be seen. Although this was just a casual dinner, he could have the courtesy to at least make an effort to come with you in a family gathering.

You walked to your father with all of the composure you've gathered. Seeing him socialize nonchalantly with his colleagues, you tried gaining his attention by intently looking at him. You sent him a grim smile when he caught you walking up to their group.

"Y/n!"

A three-day wedding. Tonight is just a welcome party. Tomorrow will be the main event with all the ceremony and two receptions. Then a farewell brunch on the third to top off your misery.

"Dad," you greeted once reaching the group. As if on cue, you leaned towards him to kiss him on the cheek. Then turned to his colleagues afterwards for a curt bow.

The gentlemen said their congratulations followed by an inquiry where your fiance at. In which you smoothly replied, "He'd be here soon, I just went ahead to talk to my father. So, if you'll excuse us,"

The old man followed your steps after giving his colleagues a glance.

"What's the matter?" he asked once out of their earshot.

He didn't miss the hesitation that flashed in your eyes as you tried to come up with an excuse. You just used him to save yourself earlier. His lips pursed into a grim line.

Putting a hand on your arm, he told you, "Why don't you go up your room first and call him? His parents are somewhere in this crowd already. I was with them earlier."

You then nodded in resignation. Then silently waded your way out of the crowd, ignoring the casual glances being thrown at you.

Once out of the banquet hall, you took a right turn without much paying attention. To your surprise, you saw Taehyung talking to a woman. This made you step back and hide yourself against the wall, clutching your purse close to your chest.

Then a thought came to mind, why am I hiding?

"I'd call you. Don't show up like this," your fiance uttered in a low voice you've never heard before.

That's why. Because they looked like star-crossed lovers hiding from the villains. And you were one of them. In their story, you are. Even though it was just a blink, their closeness made you tread back.

The situation made you smirk.

The raging thoughts disabled you from hearing what his lover was saying but you caught on, "- are you kidding me?" the lady asked in a sarcastic voice.

"I have a lot of things on my plate right now, Lana. Please..."

Their exchange made you sick. It felt like you shouldn't be there right now, so you turned away.

But you didn't want to go back to the party. Heck, you don't even like the situation you're in right now.

With the fire exit to the opposite end of the hall, you harshly pushed on the door and went down the stairs. Until you found yourself in the basement parking.

[teamhook]

Always, Always a Bridesmaid :: 27 Dresses Birthday Fic

Hello all! Here we have an update for @ultraluckycatnd  birthday fic. I hope you like it. 

Betaed by @demisexualemmaswan

AO3

FFN

Emma was waiting at the airport. She kept looking for her sister until a giggle caught her attention. Kathryn was walking towards her while flirting with some guy. Typical Kathryn, Emma thought, shaking her head.

Kathryn finally noticed her sister waiting for her. She coyly dismissed her admirer.

"Emma! How are you? I missed you!" Kathryn hugged her sister.

Emma squeezed Kathryn tight. “I’ve missed you!”

Kathryn’s eyes were still on the departing stranger.

Emma followed her gaze and shook her head as they headed out of the airport.

Emma and Kathryn arrived at her place.  

Kathryn took in the apartment. “Emma, this place is so cute!! I love it.” She walked to a comfortable couch and put her luggage next to her as she plopped down.

“Hey, so I have a work thing to go to. Do you want to come with me?” Emma asked as she walked back from her room wearing a fresh blouse.

Kathryn kicked off her shoes. “It’s nice to be home.”

"Hey, what happened with your boyfriend, what was his name?" Emma asked.

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "He wanted to come with me but I told him I needed some space." She sighed and turned to Emma and got up as she spotted a photo of their parents on their wedding day. She smiled as she approached the picture. "Mom was my age," Kathryn said.

Emma smiles fondly. "It was the perfect wedding. The Boathouse, the big band, ceremony at sunset."

Kathryn scrunched her nose. "Except for that dress. Emma the synthetic lace and the inverted box pleats were horrible."

"I thought it was beautiful," Emma said.

Kathryn shakes her head and turns to a pile of newspaper clippings. "What are these?" she said with a teasing smirk.

Emma rushes to cover them, "Oh nothing important. Just a few old wedding announcements. I was going to recycle it."

"Emma, these are more than a few. Were you going to recycle them into wallpaper?"

"Okay, there's this writer, James Rogers, he writes the best ones. I only keep his. I just love the stories and the crazy proposals. Nevermind. It’s not your thing." She organized the clippings.

Kathryn was trying to muffle her giggles.

"How long are you staying for?" Emma asked.

"Just two weeks. The fall fashion shows are done, so I don't have work," Kathryn replied.

"Okay, hey, you never answered if you wanted to come to my work thing."

"I'll pass, I'm going to have dinner with some friends from Milan."

"Oh, okay. If you change your mind we will be at the new place Wonderland at St. Marks and A."

“Okay,” Kathryn said.

"St. Marks and A," Killian said as he clicked the seatbelt in place.

"Yes, sir," the taxi driver answered and promptly signaled and began heading to the given destination. n.

Killian relaxed on the backseat of the car as he glanced at the planner on his lap. He sighed as his fingertip traced the edge repeatedly.  

Emma was laughing with Ruby.

Graham walked up to them.

"Emma, what did I get, Tamara? She was just thanking me." Graham asked, puzzled.

Emma smiled. "A nice bottle of Cristal, and some champagne glasses."

He scratched his trimmed beard. "I'm surprised she believed the present was from me."

Emma laughed, "Oh, don't worry. It wasn't my best gift wrapping job."

Graham scoffed, "I could do a decent job at gift wrapping."

Emma's brows raised in disbelief.

Ruby was silently watching the exchange. "Hey, Emma. Do you want a drink? I'm going to the bar."

Graham cleared his throat. "I could grab you, ladies, some drinks. Maybe some liquid courage?"

Ruby nodded. "I'll take a Cosmo."

Graham turned to Emma.

Emma shook her head. "I'm not drinking tonight. Thanks."

He smiled and walked towards the bar.

Emma turned to find a scowling Ruby. "You should have smiled and said I'll have a Bay Breeze. Followed by some intense flirting, interoffice sex... accidental pregnancy,

a shotgun wedding, and a happy ending. How many times do I have to tell you the plan?" Ruby sputtered out.

"Wait, why a Bay Breeze? Ruby, you don't get it. I don't want him to think I'm irresponsible." Emma glared at her friend.

Ruby sighed, "Okay, to answer your question, party pooper: a Bay Breeze because drinking a good-sized glass of pineapple juice a couple of hours before doing the deed can help make your bodily fluids taste and even smell better for his pleasure. So he can enjoy his time down there."

Ruby finished her explanation with a wolfish smirk.

Emma scrunched her face. "Rubes, you are wrong. Graham appreciates the way I am."

"I don't think there's enough appreciation going on if no one is getting naked," Ruby said with a sly smirk.

Graham came back carrying Ruby's drink and handing it to her.

"Emma, did you get that thing I left on your desk this morning?" he asked with slight nervousness.

Emma's heart started racing could it be true that he sent the flowers? "On my desk?"

"Was that okay? I mean we've never had that kind of relationship before," Graham said.

"It was great," Emma answered quickly.

"Good... I wanted to make sure you were okay with it.

I'm sorry, I should have asked before assuming," Graham confessed as his name was called out by the bar. "I'm sorry I'll be right back."

"Ruby, oh my God!! It was him. He gave me flowers!!" Emma squealed.

"Emma, stop it! This is real life, not a fairy tale. Now it's the time. You go up to him and tell him how you feel. Go NOW!"

Emma walked toward Graham with anxious energy. She couldn't believe it, he felt the same way. Graham was at the bar chatting up with one of the guys from shipping the closer she got the more excited she was getting until she noticed something caught his eye.

Emma followed his gaze and her heart stopped. No, please, no, no, no. Emma tried walking faster but she wasn't the only one that had sped up. Graham and Kathryn were seconds away from shattering her dreams. Still, she begged whoever would listen to be wrong.

Kathryn and Graham had locked eyes and nothing seemed to distract them.

Graham smiled. "Hello."

Kathryn returned the smile and with a breathy tone replied, "Hi."

Emma stood in front of them with her heart sinking.

"Oh, hey, Emma," Kathryn said as she looked away from Graham for a second.

Graham's eyes followed and smiled fondly at Emma.

Emma knew she had to introduce them but it was the hardest thing she had ever done. "Oh, sorry, Kathryn this is my Graham, I mean my boss, Graham. Graham, this is my sister, Kathryn."

"Emma, you never said your sister was in town or how lovely she is," Graham said.

Kathryn turned to Emma, "I can see why you love your job so much. I would be a workaholic too."

Graham blushed "Emma is a great assistant. I could never survive without her. As if I don't take enough advantage of her already... I dropped my dry cleaning slip off on her desk today."

Emma whispered, “Of course it was his dry cleaning slip...I’m such an idiot.”

She tried smiling as she watched the man she loved escort her sister to the bar for drinks while making plans to go out dancing later.

An accented voice in her ear startles her. "Love, were the flowers too much?"

Emma gasped as she turned to face him. Recognition quickly set in: "They're from you. The angry marriage-hater."

"Yes, love. Did you like them? Or was it too much?" Killian asked.

“Please, excuse me for a second.” Emma said and made her way to the emergency exit.

Once outside she screamed out a slew of profanities that would make a sailor blush.

...then, she noticed she wasn’t alone.

There was an anniversary celebration happening.

could this day get any worse?

She apologized for her outburst and went back inside.

Killian had stared at her in amusement. She was a puzzle for him to solve.

Emma walked back to him. “I'm sorry. You were saying.”

“Lass, I just asked if you received my flowers? I mean your flowers. Oh, and I have something for you,” He smiled as he took out something from his satchel. “I’m here to deliver this.”

“Oh, my God. Thank God. I have been looking for it everywhere,” Emma said, relieved.

“You left it in the cab the other night and it was either the engagement party tonight or Thursday's bikini wax.” He gave her a once over, “I thought my presence at the waxing would be unwelcomed.”

“You read it?” she asked with disbelief, upset at the invasion of privacy.

“Aye,  I tried to read it. How else would I find where to return it? It was very difficult with the little cramped handwriting. You know, they do have these computer date books now that take care of everything for you.”

“I don't need to be taken care of,” she growled at him.

“Would you like to have a drink with me?” he asked, ignoring her tone.

But it was a semi-nice gesture, Emma reasoned. “Thank you for returning my Filofax. That was...very nice,” she replied.

He could tell by the tone of her voice that there was a dismissal coming. “Lass, it's a drink, not a week in Oahu. Come on. Just one drink.”

“I'm sorry. I'm really not great company right now,” she sighed as her eyes returned to Graham and Kathryn.

“All right, I got it. Perhaps I'll bump into you on Thursday?” The scowl on her face quickly gave away her feelings on the matter. . “Maybe not. I'll see you around,” he said and walked away.

“Who was that and where can I get one?” Ruby asked as she kept her eyes on Killian’s retreating body.

Emma was happy Ruby had such a short attention span. Her eyes drifted to one of the guys from the shipping who was waving her over and she darted in that direction.

Emma's attention returned to her sister and Graham. How could this happen to her?

Why? Why??

Growing up with Kathryn had been difficult for Emma since she had to be Kathryn’s mother more than a sister.

She had seen her sister make a play for guys that had girlfriends, but this time it had happened to her.

Sure, Kathryn didn't know about her feelings for Graham but would it have even mattered?

Emma hated the obvious flirting happening between them as she made her way to them. Graham and Kathryn were laughing and enjoying each other's conversation.

Graham was the first one to notice her."Emma, do you want to come with us?"

Emma's eyes turned to Kathryn, who discreetly shook her head ‘no’. "No, thank you. But Kathryn, aren't you tired?"

"Nah, I'm good. I can go all night long." Kathryn said, maintaining eye contact with Graham. "Let's go! Oh and Emma don't wait up! Love you!"

Kathryn grabbed Graham by the hand and dragged him out.

Kathryn had finally returned at 3 A.M. with a smile on her face. "Emma, why are you still awake?"

"I couldn't sleep so I decided to do some light cleaning. Harnessing my chi," Emma answered as she finished wiping the kitchen counter. She would never confess that she kept peeking through the peephole hoping the night of dancing ended because Graham wouldn't stop talking about her all night. She tried to pass the time doing all sorts of things from work to exercise. Cleaning her apartment had become her preferred form of distraction. Her place had never been as spotless as it was at this moment.

So she put on her bravest face possible to mask the sinking feeling she felt as her sister's smiling face greeted her.

"Emma, I had the best night of my life," Kathryn sighed. "Was that weird for you?"

"Why would it be weird?" Emma said defensively.

"Oh, good because we are meeting for lunch tomorrow. Tell me about Graham," Kathryn said with a gleam in her eyes.

Emma took a deep breath, "Uh, he dropped out of college then climbed every major peak in the world. Then he started Everest from his one-bedroom apartment. He turned it into one of the most eco-friendly philanthropic businesses in the world all before he was 30."

Kathryn smiled. "Wow."

"Yeah, and that's just his resume. Everybody loves him. He is an amazing boss. He loves his dog, Hunter, more than anyone. He would rather spend his time outside than anywhere else."

"He sounds amazing," Kathryn said dreamily.

"Yeah, but he isn't perfect," Emma added quickly.

"What do you mean?" Kathryn asked.

"Well, he hates apples, sometimes he wears sneakers without laces, and --" Emma started before Kathryn cut her off.

"Emma, those aren't exactly turn-offs," Kathryn stated.

"Kathryn, nothing happened between you two tonight, did it?" Emma asked with the last shred of hope she had.

Kathryn bit her bottom lip, "Well..."

"Oh," Emma said as her heart shattered completely. The only ray of hope she had was for Kathryn to lose interest like it was her habit or for things to fizzle out before her inevitable departure.

The next day Emma and Kathryn went to visit their dad to surprise him with the younger girl’s presence.

The familiar bell rang  as they walked in and a voice from the back called out, "Thank you for choosing Gilded General Store, how can I help you today?"

"Dad, it’s just me," Emma said.

The man finally appeared with a wide smile."Oh Emma, sweetie. How are you?"

Before Emma can answer, Kathryn, interrupted."Surprise! I missed you, Dad!" Kathryn ran to hug her father.

"I didn't know you were in town. Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I would have picked you up from the airport!”

"Well, it was a surprise visit," Kathryn said.

"My two girls together. Is it my birthday?" he asked.

"Oh, Dad. Don't be silly! My gosh, this place looks exactly the same since the last time I visited."

"Kathryn, that's not true. I just stripped and re-varnished all the woodwork. Look at the new cash register. Digital."

"Yeah, I can't believe I didn't notice such improvements."

"Come on let's go upstairs, girls."

Kathryn and Emma talked idly as they set the table.

"There we go," Dad said as he presented their favorite pancakes in the shape of Mickey Mouse.

"Dad, aren't we a little too old for these?" Kathryn asked.

"No. You two will always be my little girls," he said warmly.

"Good, 'cause I love them! So delicious!" Kathryn said as Emma served herself quietly.

"So, Kathryn honey, how long are you here for?” he asked as he took a sip from his coffee.

"Two weeks, right?" Emma asked as she took a bite of her pancakes. "That's what you said."

"It depends on how some things pan out." Kathryn said with a smile.

Emma stared at her sister. "What things?"

Kathryn jumped up and ran to her purse when she heard her phone ring. "Hello? Hi!"

"Some new guy is chasing after her?"

"Dad, I wouldn't call it ‘chasing’,” Emma answered.

"Oh, Graham!  I would love to!" Kathryn said.

"Emma?"

"Hmm, I’m sorry, did you say something?" Emma stared at her Dad.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

"Oh, just great. Everything's fine."

Killian walked with Victor to work.

"She's gonna call me. I guarantee it. I got a way with the ladies, trust me," Killian said with a wink.

"Sure, Jones," Victor said, rolling his eyes.

At work, Emma noticed some pages missing from her Filofax and Killian's name written in big bold letters with his number. "Oh, God! I’m going to kill him!" she seethed as she dialed his number.

"Hello?" a very happy voice answered.

"You idiot, you ripped a week out of my planner. Are you insane?" she hissed.

"Oh, that? Just a little experiment to see how you do without every second of your life mapped out. Lass,  your life is bloody insane. Tell me what do you do besides work and helping people get married?"

Emma sighed, annoyed. "You know what that's not your business."

That comment didn’t deter Killian. "How do you afford these weddings? It must get extremely expensive, the dresses, the airfares, the wine of the month club?"

"Hey, people love that gift, and I'm a frequent member. So sometimes they throw in a free Gewurztraminer."

"Wow. I’m truly sorry, that is terribly sad. Ah. Well, I would love to make it up to you. Okay? How about a new datebook or maybe just a date?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah. Sure. Let me just pencil you in. Except, you already did every Saturday for the rest of the year.  Can you please, please find someone else to be creepy with?"

"I’m sorry I cannot. Tell you what, anytime you want to be around someone who doesn't need you to take them to a fitting or a cake-tasting or a coed mojito and burrito rehearsal dinner, just give me a call. You have my number," He said.

"Yeah. Not gonna happen," Emma said as she hung up.

Emma was filing away some documents when a young voice called out.

"Hey! Emma!" the young voice said.

"Hey! Are you getting too old for hugs?" Emma asked.

"No," The boy said with a big smile.

"Thank you. How are you, Henry?" Emma said as she squeezed him tight.

"I'm good. I'm meeting Graham," Henry said as he hugged her back.

"There he is!" Graham said.

"Hey, what's up?" Henry rushed to hug Graham.

“Henry, there’s someone I want you to meet. This is Kathryn, Emma's sister. Henry is my little brother," Graham said fondly. "From the Big Brother Program at the Y."

"Oh. Hewwo," Kathryn said as if talking to a toddler.  

Graham and Henry shared a look.

"Emma, Kathryn, and I are gonna take Henry to his baseball game. Would you like to join us?" Graham asked.

Henry jumped up and down. “Yeah, you should come!” the boy said excitedly.

"Sorry, kid, I've got so much work to do. I should stay here," Emma answered.

"Are you kidding me, Emma? Look, your boss is a jerk.  I don't wanna have to fire you. Come on, let’s go," Graham said.

"Okay. Only if you’re sure." Emma said.

Kathryn, Emma, and Graham headed to the concession stand together. Once they were in line,  Graham started ordering for them. "Let me get three Diet Pepsis, three fries and--?" He turned to the ladies for their choice in food.

"Kathryn, I don't think they have tofu dogs with meatless chili. Maybe you can have--" Emma said as she looked at the menu for an alternative for her sister.

"I want a chili dog," Kathryn said.

"I'm sorry. What?" Emma asked.

"What? It was too much of a hassle. Besides I need some good protein for when I go hiking," Kathryn said mischievously.

"You like to go hiking?" Graham asked, "No offense but you hardly seem like the type of girl who enjoys hiking. Especially in those shoes."

"I can see why you would think that, but I love all that outdoorsy stuff. Hiking, biking, and climbing. But, to be honest, I haven't been hiking since my dog died. See, Emma and I had this adorable dog growing up, Tory. I just loved him. We would go on nature hikes and climbing adventures. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that bag of fleas. Good ol' Tory."

"Emma, how come you never mentioned Tory?" Graham asked.

"Oh, I don't know. I must have repressed the memory of Toby," Emma answered.

"Yeah. His name was Toby, but I called him Tory because I had a lisp," Kathryn responded.

"A lisp that turned your ‘B's’ to ‘R's’?” Emma asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Don't feel bad. When I was a kid, I had a stutter," Graham said soothingly.

"We have so much in common," Kathryn said as she grabbed his hand.

"I'm going to leave you two for now. I'm gonna go out and shag some flies with Henry," Graham said as he squeezed Kathryn's hand. He got up to go out to the field.

"Ooh! I'm jealous. It sounds like so much fun. What are ‘shagging flies’?" Kathryn yelled after him.  

"What are you doing?" Emma asked.

"What? Kathryn scoffed.

"You hate dogs and meat and being outside," Emma said.

"No. I like yachts. I like flowers. I like...you know... tanning," Kathryn insisted.

"You hated Toby. The only animals you’ve ever cared about are dead ones with sleeves. You're just saying all this stuff because Graham is so handsome. Or some people think he is," Emma said.

"I did not hate that dog! I just hated it when he drooled on me. And I could like hiking if I tried it... maybe," Kathryn said.

"Hey, Kathryn? What do you say you come out here and show me what you've got," Graham called out.

"Ooh. Sounds like fun. Are we gonna shag now?" Kathryn asked as she made her way to him.

The courtship between Kathryn and Graham progressed quickly between dates to family meals with Mr. Goldman.

It quickly became obvious to Emma that things between her sister and Graham were not going to end anytime soon. She had lost count on how many times she had walked in on them in a compromising position.

One day at work, Emma got called into Graham's office in a panic.

"Emma! Which one sucks less?!?" he asked as he showed her two ties.

"I like this one better," she said with a smile. Things might be a little different but he still valued her opinion.

"Good. Do you mind helping me with the tie?" he asked, handing it to her.

"No problem. I do it for my dad all the time," she said with a smile and added, "Are you okay? You seem nervous." She asked, concerned.

"I'm good. How does it look?" he asked.

"You look great, very handsome," she said.

"Thank you, Emma. I don't know what I would do without you," he said sincerely.

An hour later as she was about to leave the office, Emma noticed Graham had forgotten his wallet.

She rushed to find him at the restaurant the reservation was for. As she entered romantic music started playing by the band and a banner was released with the words Marry Me.

"Guys, guys! Hold it. She's not the one. She's not the one," Graham said.

When she heard that, her heart shattered beyond repair. It was final, he had chosen her sister as his life's companion. There was nothing she could do to show him she was the right one for him. There were no amount of breakfast burritos she could buy him because she wanted to make sure he had eaten or going beyond her job duties to show him she was irreplaceable that no one knew him better than her.

"I'm so sorry. I should've called, you forgot your wallet," she said lowly.

"Oh. Thanks. You didn't need to go out of your way to bring it," he said.

"Oh, I'm sorry I'm late," Kathryn said as she ran inside.

Graham yelled out, "Guys, now! Now!"

"Emma, what's going on?" Kathryn asked, confused.

"Come here, boy," Graham whistled and called out for Hunter.  The dog came into view while holding a bag with his muzzle and approached his owner with a wagging tail as if he knew there was a cause for celebration.

"Will you please sit down a second?" Graham asked as he carefully took out a small black box from the bag.

"Sure,” Kathryn said as she took a seat.

"I've been waiting my whole life for the right girl. Maybe I've been too busy trying to make something of myself but, I think I missed some of those moments. Kathryn, the second that I saw you..." he said and was interrupted.

"Yes!!" Kathryn said quickly.

Graham smiled, "I knew we would be great together. Kathryn, will you marry me?" he said.

"Yes, of course, I will. Graham, I love you!" Kathryn said and they shared a kiss, sealing their commitment to each other.

Emma now knew she was not the one for him. The only problem is how do you mend a heart that has been pining for the same person for years? She would have to find a way. A new reason to wake up in the morning.

Taglist:

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[barkkletshunt]

Those Worth Fighting For Part four

Have you ever seen a fic update so fast? Four updates in two days?

Part one

Part two

Part three

Part five 

Part six

Part seven

Part eight 

“While I like the idea of them having a red, green, and gold colour scheme going on, don’t you think it would have too much of a christmas theme and take away from the magic of their wedding?” Marinette sat on the same couch as Felix did, across from Kagami and Adrien who, despite their careful appearances, looked frazzled. 

“But those are our favourite colours,” Adrien tried, but Felix held his hand up to stop his cousin.

“Your wedding is in late spring, if you think for a moment that christmas colours are appropriate for that time of year then you need to hand over your fathers fashion industry to me right now.” Felix sipped at his now cold cup of coffee. “If anything, we could do red and gold and have green accents if we used things like leaves and give it a more rustic feel.”

“But that wouldn’t go well with their general aesthetic. They need to look like a king and queen, not a cottagecore couple.” Marinette countered. “I think we could go with a green, gold, and cream theme. That way they both get one of their favourites while keeping with the posh style. Either way, no matter what gold has to be a part of it. That I will not budge on.”

“If we made Adrien’s tie green it would bring out his eyes more.” Felix hummed, looking over at his co-planner. “You have good tastes, Marinette.”

“Why thank you, Felix, your tastes aren’t so bad yourself.” She said back. 

The two planners had successfully gotten their way with the wedding with everything they had put forth. Marinette’s ideas were either on point with Felix’s or close to it so the planning was going a lot easier than either of them had expected. Both had spent enough time with the bride and groom to know their likes and dislikes and due to their fashion background they knew what they were doing. 

They were unstoppable, not that Kagami and Adrien even tried. They saw the fire that was lit behind their companions' eyes and knew better, and it wasn’t like they didn’t like anything their friends had said. In fact, the more the two spoke the more excited Kagami and Adrien felt about the upcoming event. 

“Why don’t we make the groomsmen wear gold ties, just so that Adriens tie doesn’t fade in with the rest of them.” Marinette rambled, showing Felix the designs she had tucked away in her portfolio that she refused to show Kagami. “If you wear green too your eyes will stand out and Adrien is supposed to be the one people are paying attention to.”

“Should the bridesmaids wear green then? If that dress design is anything to go by we don’t want Kagami to blend in with the other girls.” Felix hummed, sliding closer to Marinette without thinking about it. “Can’t have you stealing the show from the bride, you know.”

Marinette’s face grew warm at the compliment, even if it did match her unintentional flirting moments earlier. The added proximity didn’t help, but she could pull herself together. This was Felix, after all, and despite how nice he had been that evening she still needed to see more of him before passing a proper judgement on him. 

The two planners missed the looks between the future Mr. and Mrs Agreste. 

“Well, after the akuma attack today I feel exhausted. I think I shall turn in tonight, since the two of you have it covered.” Kagami said as she stood from her seat. 

“Did you want me to make you a coffee?” Adrien asked innocently enough, but was immediately shut down.

“No, if I have a coffee now I won’t sleep.” Kagami raised her brow at her fiance, wondering if he had caught her drift yet. “And you have business to take care of in the morning. Let’s leave the planning to these two, shall we?”

The blonde man abruptly stood up, realizing what she was getting at. “Oh, oh! Yeah! Of course! They don’t really need our input for any of this stuff anyways, and I’m definitely beat after that sentimonster. We should go to bed.”

The owners of the house bid their goodnights and quickly escaped from the room, leaving Marinette and Felix sitting there dumbfounded. 

“Have, have they always been that obvious in their plans?” Felix finally asked, breaking the silence that had stretched on after their friend's departure. 

Marinette shook her head, “I have only seen them like that once when they were trying to plan a surprise birthday party for me.”

“And how well did that go for them?”

“Adrien ordered the cake from my parents bakery over the phone, but didn’t realize that I was the one taking his order.” Marinette recalled the look of horror on Adrien’s face when he had come to pick the cake up the day prior, and had begged Marinette not to tell Kagami he blew it. “For someone so smart he can be really oblivious, you know.”

“I did live with him for two years, I am well aware of how he can be.” Felix snorted. He shifted positions so he was facing towards Marinette. “I think it actually turned me into a better person, to be honest.”

“What do you mean?” Marinette mirrored his position on the couch. Adrien was an open book to her, she could ask him anything about himself and he’d answer her, and when she asked about his time in England he never said much about it. She couldn’t miss hearing about it from a second party, though. Especially when her friend was the cause of someone becoming a better person.

“Well, as I’m sure you are aware I was a terrible teenager.” Felix started.

“What? You? The man who deleted my love confession and mocked our friends?” Marinette jokingly pushed his shoulder. “I don’t believe it.”

Felix grinned, “I know, I know. I’m such a saint now. I wasn’t sure if you had even recognized me at first.”

“It was a bit difficult without those devil horns you used to wear.”

“Oh those? Those were natural. Grew them myself. Kind of miss them, actually.” 

The two laughed for a moment, enjoying their friendly banter that seemed to come so easily to them. 

“Okay,” Marinette giggled, “tell me how our sweet sunshine child managed to change the demon known as Felix.”

“Well, when he first moved in I was sent into a whirlwind of emotion.” Felix started, “I was still angry that Adrien had abandoned me when my father had died because his father wouldn’t let him call or text us, but I also knew how terrible it was to lose a father even if it was only to a lifetime imprisonment. I had so much baggage that I took it out on him. I think I made the first few weeks of his stay with us hell.”

The blonde man shifted, no longer wanting to look her in the eye as he confessed to his crimes. It didn’t take a trained psychoanalyst to see the regret he felt coming out and causing him to fidget. 

“It was when he transferred into my school and started to get bullied that I changed my tune.” Marinette was shocked. Adrien was so loveable and kind, how could anyone have bullied him? Then it donned on her. He was a terrorist's son. “People would shove notes in his locker with butterflies on it, or draw on his desk, and he’d just smile and say that they must have been doing it because of his fathers fashion symbol being a butterfly. Perhaps he wasn’t oblivious to it, but purposefully ignorant. No one would want to believe their father was the supervillian of Paris after all.”

“It was then that I decided to switch my targets from my cousin to those bullying him, and oh was I ever brutal. I had a few of them expelled for harassment, some I actually got physical with since they assumed I was Adrien. Either way, it was my school and I wasn’t going to let anyone insult my cousin. That was my job.” Felix’s brows pulled together. “It was the fights that got Adrien to step in. He reminded me that the emotions of people were complicated things, and that they were acting out more out of fear than actual hatred towards him. He told me what he actually needed wasn’t another bodyguard, but someone to lead his PR campaign.” 

Marinette remembered when Adrien’s image in the media had changed the first time, when he went from brilliant model to the heir to Hawkmoth's legacy. It had taken almost another full year of Adrien working harder than he ever had before to show the world that he wasn’t a monster, and it still took a live interview from Ladybug herself to convince the rest of the public that there was no way Adrien was involved in any of his fathers crimes nor was he a holder of a miraculous. It had been a wild ride from start to finish, but all considering it only took two whole years to get Adrien back in the world's good graces when the sunshine boy didn’t think he’d ever be able to live it down. 

“I spearheaded Adrien’s redemption. We donated to so many relief funds, I used our similar appearances to go onto talk shows to give a more calculated interviews. I did everything in my power to make people realize how inherently good Adrien is, and it worked.” Felix let out a long breath before turning a kind smile towards her. “But by the time all of that was done I had changed. I had become a person Adrien was proud of, and now I am here planning his wedding with his best friend. Whom, might I add, he talked about almost as much as he did his own girlfriend.”

“Now if you could have told me that, say, five years ago I would have been ecstatic.” Marinette set her portfolio down on the coffee table as she remembered how intense her crush for Adrien used to be. “But I am long over my crush on Adrien.”

“I am sorry about that, by the way.”

“Hm?” Marinette tilted her head to the side, not sure what he was talking about.

“Deleting your confession.” He explained. “It was wrong of me. I was jealous and petty and I’m sorry.”

Marinette wasn’t angry anymore, even if she wanted to be. Felix wasn’t the same as he was all those years ago and neither was she. It was silly for her to hold onto all that anger when he had changed himself so completely. 

“I am, however, not sorry you didn’t end up with my cousin.” He grinned. “Now I might have a chance.”

Maybe not so completely.

“In your dreams, devil boy!”

[g0ldengubler]

chapter two~a mysterious night

(*i do not own this gif*)

A/N: aaaaaaa i know i know i went from a really long chapter to a filler, but at least y'all get some backstory to how Y/N feels and thinks! thank you guys so much for the love on chapter 1! it seriously means a lot :’) also, i’ve been asked about a taglist and that was the one note i completely forgot about. i’m unfamiliar with them so if someone could message me what taglists are and what its purpose is that would be amazing! don’t worry though, those who have asked about it will be put on once i get to it, just ask for your patience. ok, enjoy the next chapter :)

Category: fluff

CW: there’s a bit of smut in here and mentions of weed and hangovers, but other than that it’s just a pure fluffy filler :)

Word Count: 2065

before you read | last chapter | next chapter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You woke up the next day feeling so/so. You didn't feel hungover because you were smart and had lots of water in between drinks, probably because your mouth would get dry whenever you got even more high. You look over to the other side of the couch and see Spencer, still asleep. He was hugging his book bag like he did on the jet when he took a nap. You quietly get out your phone and check up on anything you might've missed, which even though you had a lot of notifications from tweets and story updates, nothing was there for you to click on it quickly and check it out. You open your photos app and look at the pictures and short videos you took from last night. You always documented every party, every time you hung out with another human being, because those moments meant a lot to you. You didn't get them often in life.

You swipe along, remembering how the night ended. After Spencer got out of the bathroom, everything went back to normal, like that little thing he did never happened. You finished the game and then Garcia got up with Morgan and they started dancing to the music that was still playing. They invited everyone else to get up and dance, too and that you did.  You danced with Spencer, but not in a seductive way. You were both being goofy and doing stupid moves that made everyone else in the room question you. You were even showing him ones that people do online and he wasn't getting it at all because he doesn't use social media. It was so hilarious you almost peed your pants from laughing so hard. If this was a sober event would you laugh that much? Probably not, but you couldn't help it. Jj was passed out through the whole dance party and Emily eventually did as well, snuggling with her. When you looked over to see them, they were still in the same positions they were last night.

Garcia walks in with some tea and Advil. "Oh good, I had a feeling you'd be awake!" She whispered.

She hands you a very colorful mug with pink and purple tie dye pattern and unicorns all over it. You told her thank you and took the Advil. "Oooo, pumpkin spice my favorite!" you said after taking a sip. "I had a feeling," she said, "You give me fall vibes through and through."

"Are you sure you're not a profiler as well, Penelope?"

Garcia chuckled. "I mean, when you work with them for over a decade, some it rubs right onto you."

Slowly everyone else woke up and you helped Garcia handing out the aid. Spencer woke up last and as you handed him his Advil and tea, he spoke raspy, "I haven't had a headache like this in months."

"I'm sure you'll live." you said, roughing up his hair a bit more than it already was. You check the time and your phone and stood up quickly. "Hey, I'm sorry guys I know we were planning on going to breakfast but I feel more tired than I should so I think I'm gonna go take a nap at my place."

"I can give you a ride." said Spencer.

"Yeah, that'd be great, Thanks Spence!"

You say goodbye to everyone and thanked Garcia for a wonderful night. She promised that this night can happen again with the girls on Friday night and you were all in for it. You walked out with Spencer and got in his car and drove home. It was quiet at first. You kept looking over at him, thinking about last night, wanting more of his touch, even more than his touch. You needed him, but you knew that it probably won't happen again.

"So, you remember anything about last night?" you asked him, trying to be normal about it but you could feel yourself failing.

"I do actually," he said, "I never knew this about myself, but even as messed up as I was, my eidetic memory still worked."

You began to blush as your eyes grew a bit wide. So he remembers what we did then? You thought to yourself. You were silent again the rest of the way there. You were pretty close to your apartment when all of a sudden you felt a hand rest on your thigh. You look up to see it was Spencers, but you didn't flinch. You didn't want to be obvious and ruin everything. You stayed quiet until he spoke, "I also remember the fun we had in Garcia's room."

To your surprise, you were already back at your place. You went to the back to grab your bags and went to the passenger window. "Thank you again, Spence!"

"Anytime you did a ride, I'll be your chauffeur!"

You both smiled and you waved goodbye. You started walking to the front door when Spencer called out for you again. "Y/N wait!"

You turn around, confused as to what he was gonna say. You didn't think it would be...

"Call me when you wake up, I have something planned for us tonight if you're down."

A Couple Hours Later

"Spence, don't stop!"

He kept going, not going off beat as he made you scream for him. You could feel your stomach in knots. You were ready for him. You needed him inside you. He was making you scream, begging him for it. He gave you a dark smile. He was really enjoying the sight of you so helpless and being a little brat.

You could  tell he was close by his cock twitching.

"Spencer I'm close pleeeasseee!" you beg.

"Cum for me.  Be a good girl and cum for daddy." he growled.

It was building up and building up. You were ready....

*Ding Ding*

You wake up to your phone going off. How long had you been asleep. You slowly grab your phone and see that it was 3pm. Not too bad you guessed. You saw you had a couple of text messages from the BAU group chat, sharing the pictures from last night. You remembered what happened on the way home, yet you couldn't remember  the dream you just had. Shit, you said you'd call him.

You go to the group chat and click on his name to call. As it rings, you get nervous as to what he had in mind of doing.

"Hello?" (A/N: Think of that one audio on tik tok where he starts of with saying hello and then it goes to 'baby hotline' lol)

"Spence, hey! It's Y/N."

"Oh hey Y/N! I have something fun planned if you want to hang out tonight."

"What's that?"

He was quiet for a moment, then spoke again but sounded unsure of himself. "Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure if you'd find it fun. It might be boring but um...would you want to get high and walk around DC?"

You thought for a moment. This wasn't a bad idea, but part of you was kind of surprised that he asked you. He could've asked Jj or Emily or Garcia since she was the one who gave you the pens. Why would he ask the newbie? Then you remembered that he said he remembered everything from last night...

"Sure," you said, "sounds fun! What time were you thinking?"

"Let's say 10pm? You know that park that's on Jefferson?"

"Yeah, I remember seeing it when I gave myself a little tour of the city."

"What?!" He sounded shocked, but he could've just been playful. Why would anyone be shocked at you? "You did a tour by yourself?"

"Well yeah silly, I gave myself a tour the day before my first!"

"Ok, that's it. Our walk around the city will now be an official tour and I'll be your official tour guide!"

You let out a little laugh. "Ok, "pretty boy", I'll take you up on that."

"Great! I'll see you there at 10!"

You said your goodbyes and hung up. Spencer sounded more confident than when you first met him. You thought that he would be the shy and awkward type that would take days, even weeks, to ask someone to even hang out with him, let alone go on a date. Wait, was this a date? No. A date would be like fancy dinner with expensive wine and then either going somewhere after that or back to either place and have sex. This was just two friends getting high and hanging out, you finally convinced yourself, Like anyone, even Spencer for that matter, would like you enough to take out on a date.

So now, you had 7 hours to not overthink and play in your head how you think this would go. This was the time to pretend like it was just something in your planner that you wrote down to do for the day. You wondered why you were so flustered and nervous to hang out with someone, acting like it was a date. Did that little scandalous event you had last night really affect you that much? You told yourself to snap out of it a few times before going into the kitchen to make yourself something to eat.

Once you had your food, you grabbed a beer and headed to the couch to continue rewatching Murder, She Wrote on Netflix. You didn't watch much tv, but when you do it's mostly crime shows, Rupaul's Drag Race, or old sitcoms like Golden Girls. Murder, She Wrote had always been your comfort show. It something you went to when having a bad day or you were nervous about something. Anything negative you felt, you turned on the show and think about living like Jessica when you retired. Moving to a small town on the east coast, writing stories and making friends with everyone. The more you thought about it, the more you realized that you wanted to be like Rossi, too.

And there you were, for 3 hours hours before you took the remaining four you had left to get ready.

10pm-Jefferson Park

You make your way into the park. It was chilly, dark, and peaceful, something you admired about the night. You had gotten ready before, but didn't do anything special. You wore your grandpa sweater with black mom jeans and your vans. Your makeup was your everyday, wings with a nude pink lip. You didn't dress so exciting because you were just hanging out with someone, so you didn't worry about it much. Sitting on a bench waiting, you start to play a game on your phone to take your mind off from running in circles. After ten minutes, you heard your name being called out. "Y/N?"

You look over to see Spencer, long hair and all. He wore a brown sweater with jeans and black converse. He almost looked like he was ready to head into the BAU at anytime, which you thought cute of his aesthetic. He came over by you, hands gripped to his book bag strap, smiling awkwardly but with a bit of excitement.

"Hey, Spence!" you said, waving at him. He just stood in front of you as you talked for a minute.

"Did you walk here?" He asked.

"Yeah," you said, "I live pretty close to here actually. Didn't realize that until tonight."

"Oh really? Me too! I just live half a block away."

You both awkwardly laughed and then went awkwardly silent until he said, "Um, I know a spot we could sit at before we start walking."

"Lead the way, Doctor!" you say as you get up.

He takes your hand in his and runs for a bit. You didn't know he was gonna drag you along, but you could tell that from that moment on, this was going to be a ride; A fun ride full of adventures.

[fenristheorem]

My OC, Fenris

... and the Eldarya AU that she’s in, because I just can’t see her in the original Origins storyline with her differences from Guardienne/Erika. And I think my AU has some pretty interesting ideas. I’ll explain it after I introduce her.

Yea, I know, Fenris Theorem, Fenris, it all connects, huh? Hehe. I like the name, that’s all.

(This page is informational, so it’s written in a bit more of a note-taking fashion rather than a story fashion. It’s written in a very choppy manner but it’s comprehensible despite not having any stress on having it beautifully written.) 

This page just introduces you to my OC. I decided to create a page on her for the poll (now ended) because I think some people will really like small excerpts on her story with Lance, but obviously you need to know about her before deciding that for sure. You’ll notice that some theories I may have posted on Lance in the past are a part of this AU - these theories have been in my mind and I posted them only because I thought they could exist in the actual plotline (it’s where a lot of my theories come from, and then some ideas fit into the AU, and then some ideas could exist in the actual plotline as well based on what I observe), so this is where some of those theories come from.

For the poll - if anything, I would recommend reading the paragraph titled “*Her story in Origins (where many things are explained in moderation, because if I went in-depth I wouldn’t need to write stories on this):” above all else because that describes what I will be writing if the poll results shows that that’s wanted. Everything else is just extra information for you to know my OC and the AU better. The paragraph is at the bottom of the post.

Above all else, this is an AU, and a fantasy world. I like to try to give rationality and logic to a lot of things, so you’ll read a lot of me explaining things, but at the end of the day it’s all fantasy and can be perceived - and therefore approved or unapproved of - in a multitude of ways. If you like my AU but find it illogical in some ways, that’s no problem! Just enjoy reading about it if you enjoy the ideas within it. 😊

~ This is long so continue below the cut ~

A lot of this information can be a bit vague at first but it comes together when I explain the basic plot.

Her basics: She goes by Fenris but her actual name is Dakota. However, people usually call her Kota, or occasionally Ko (Fen is used later for Fenris, first by Ashkore / Lance, but later when she was discovered by the guard as well). She was 18 when she came to Eldarya via mushroom circle (like Guardienne/Erika). The guard test placed her in the Obsidian guard - she’s very happy with that outcome. Was in a relationship with Valkyon before leaving him for Lance (*explained later).

Physical Appearance: Unfortunately I don’t have a picture of her and nothing in Eldarya describes her and her clothing very well, so you’ll just need to imagine the physical features that I describe on Eldarya’s Guardienne sprite. Also, she’s pretty flexible with how she styles her hair and dresses, so I don’t think a single picture of her would describe her well.

Fair and light in skin tone, perhaps a slight tan-ish tone. Thin, but broad shouldered. She’s well-muscled (later on, less so when she first arrived), which gives her a bit of thickness, but not too much. Nicely curved. About 5 ft. 5 in. (167.64 cm). Dark hair, but not exactly black, with brown-hazel eyes. Her hair is medium-length and is usually braided in a multitude of styles. Her eyes occasionally glow a brilliant gold (explained under ‘abilities and genetics’ and ‘her story in Origins’).

Usually wears dark, ancient / tribal-like clothes (think Norse Vikings) with thin, form-fitting but strong armor around her forearms, lower legs (below the thigh starting from knees) and chest/midriff. She wears a good amount of red, blue, gold, silver or dark green clothing and accents with the black base for color. Usually nothing over-the-top, she likes to have her own unique style and express herself but doesn't like to draw unnecessary attention. Doesn't like most faux fur as it doesn't look nice in her opinion, but may wear some that she likes occasionally. Is more likely to wear real fur from hunted animals, but doesn't wear it too often. She wears a sword on her hip, and has a few semi-concealed daggers placed on her body (thigh, boot, torso) for quick use if needed.

Personality: She has a wide spectrum of how she acts depending on people, situations, what she knows, and her current mood. She's typically quite calm, and doesn't seek for trouble or drama, however, she does like to hear the recent news/gossip from around the guard; to stay updated on things, know what may effect her, try to think ahead and just for the sake of knowing. She's very curious and typically observes the situation around her, but in a very subtle way. Is a planner and likes to think ahead, and usually knows how to react to anything because of her observations and forward thinking. Around friends, she's very kind and welcoming. They can talk about anything to her and she'll keep her mouth shut - she has a good loyalty streak (but it does have a limit). However, she doesn't have any friends that are like family to her, but on the day she does find friends like that her loyalty will truly be endless. It's ride or die, and she'll always stand by their side. She has a major independent streak and can’t be around people for too long, otherwise she’ll crack and get a bit irritated more easily. She likes her alone time. In general, she's very cordial with people. Again, she doesn't like to cause unnecessary trouble or drama - she's had a rough past (discussed under ‘history’) and quickly shuts down anyone doing so in a professional but aggressive, don’t-argue-with-me sort of way. She can be harsh, cold and withholding - especially with people she genuinely dislikes - but doesn't like to act this way. On the note of people she dislikes- it's hard to get her to truly dislike someone, but it can be a bit easy as well. In general rule, as long as someone is conscious of the reality of the world around them and doesn't seek to cause issues, she's fine with them, but the instant someone starts continually spreading rumors that are clearly false, or acts (especially in a way that hurts others) solely in their selfish interests, or takes part in willful ignorance (purposely ignoring an issue that you know shouldn’t be ignored), she keeps note of that person and reminds herself to be wary of them in the future. They could be a source of trouble or misinformation that may need to be stopped, and she won’t be very forgiving. However, this is just a general rule, it doesn't always apply - remember she can change based on the situation and what she knows. She recognizes that sometimes people dislike things that are good for them, or like harmful things, and sometimes the villain is actually the hero, history and set rules are created by the winners and anyone against it is considered the villain, and sometimes you need to be cruel to be merciful. She's fully aware that sometimes the bad of life is good, and may defend that, but she's always sure to think long and hard about it before giving a decision like that. A lot of terrible things have happened to her, so she tries to avoid being a source of those terrible things for the world. She feels emotions very deeply and can be a bit impulsive, but fortunately she’s not typically hurt or gets others hurt due to her impulsivity. Again, she is very curious and observes things a lot, so she can usually get a good read on anything new she comes across and work from there, or she can use other information she knows and apply it to the situation. That being said, she won’t drag her friends or anyone else into her occasionally dangerous impulsive decisions. She’ll offer it if they’d like to join her, but she won’t pressure them. Their safety is their decision, and she’ll do her best to protect them although she can’t truly guarantee it. Being in the Obsidian guard, she can’t really condone anyone to risk their safety for fun, especially if it’s her idea. She has a good sense of responsibility when she works for what she believes in, and will sacrifice some of her comfort and fun making sure that she follows her responsibilities if needed. On the topic of her guard - when she first came to Eldarya and joined the Obsidian guard, she wasn’t too bad of a fighter upon basic training, but it was when she started training with Ashkore / Lance where her skills greatly improved until she was perhaps the best fighter in the guard, rivaled only by a few other warriors - including Valkyon. She’s not against helping others improve, but she’s very careful with what she tells the guard - if anyone knew her skills were due to Ashkore, she’d be in massive trouble and may be treated as a complete accomplice. She doesn’t like to lie unless truly necessary, so she’ll usually withhold lots of damning information, and she thoroughly thinks over everything she says, any possible answers to theoretical questions, how her words can connect with other things, and how it might be taken from someone else’s perspective, before revealing any information. Did I mention she’s very cunning and smart, especially after knowing Lance? She has prior knowledge in how to utilize sarcasm and wit, but that’s also improved after meeting Lance. 

She changes in time to be quite a bit more harsh and unforgiving when she starts working with Lance.

(For media reference, think of Lagertha from Vikings and Octavia from Netflix’s The 100. She’s a bit of a combination between the two, both in personality and appearance, although Octavia represents her a bit better in appearance.)

Abilities and Genetics: When she first came to Eldarya, she had no idea of her faery genetics. She never felt as though she belonged with humans and always felt that something was off, but she truly thought she was human genetically - until the guard had her take a test and realized she apparently had some faery blood in her (like what actually happened in the original plotline). She went a good while not knowing about what her genetics were, until Lance told her she was a dragon. She learned her abilities under his mentorship, and found that - to be more specific - she’s a shadow dragon. Her shadows appear usually like a pitch black fog, but can be manipulated into almost any form; hard or soft, thin or thick, curved or straight. It has a bit of a cold feel, but she can’t actually control the temperature of her shadows. She can adjust the color of her shadows along a grey-scale until it looks like any grey or silver, even looking like normal fog, but she can’t make it lighter than silver. She can also make pre-existing shadows darker or lighter depending on what she wants. Being a dragon, she also has a dragon form and can shift into a half-transformed body (like what’s seen with Tia). She has premonitions and prophecies as well. This ability typically manifests in dreams and can come to her the night before it manifests in reality, or even sometimes years in advance - there’s really no way to know. She struggles a lot trying to learn this - and to learn the difference between a premonition dream and just a normal dream - and has some basic understanding of it’s rules. She has absolutely no control over when she has these dreams, but she can occasionally put herself in a bit of a calm, meditative state where she can observe her surroundings enough to faintly feel energies, and from there she can receive some premonitions. When she receives premonitions or prophecies while awake, her eyes glow a brilliant gold - this stems from a more spiritual side of her genetics (*explained later). This ability to very hard to control, though, and can rarely be done despite her persistence in it. 

History: She... didn’t have a very peaceful life. Since her birth, her parents had basically been at war with each other. She grew up under a distinct combination of good influences and bad influences from both parents, but for the most part her mother was her major support as her father failed to be there for her. Neither extended family had much impact, but her father’s family knew of the terrible things he did and didn’t do anything. She continues to hold a grudge against many humans for being forced to live an endangered upbringing when she and her mother were so clearly crying for help. However, she’s aware that this is also what drives her some days, as she didn’t live through all of that just to die shamefully with an unlived life. In time, her grudge against humans has calmed, but it flares back up whenever she’s reminded or learned about something terrible that humans have caused or do currently - it’s a continuous battle and she has a hard time giving an honest opinion on humanity due to her complex emotions. She came to Eldarya when she was 18 (like Guardienne/Erika) and the rest is history (*and is explained below).

Relationships: Miiko is... alright. It’s a bit of a love hate relationship sometimes, but Fenris is usually quite cordial with her. Nevra and Ezarel were irritating at first, but Nevra’s lovableness and Ezarel’s humor slowly grew on her. She liked Valkyon when she first arrived and somewhat quickly pursued a relationship with him. She didn’t mind Leiftan - he was always very kind and left her alone while being cordial (remember, she’s not an angel in this so Leiftan wouldn’t be into her like how he was with Guardienne/Erika). Karuto is like the good father she never had, but she puts her foot down with him on occasion - she doesn’t like to be told what to do, scolded, treated like a child or anything. This is only because she views him in a bit of a fatherly way, and doesn’t want a repeat of her original father. She makes sure he knows that she truly appreciates him, though. Jamon is a bit of a brother if anything, but he’s really just a close friend / colleague that she likes a lot. She appreciates his gentleness and protectiveness for everyone. Ewelein is basically a second mom, she reminds Fenris a lot of her mom back on Earth and has a deep respect for the Elf. Chrome is a bit like an irritating little brother, but she also has a sisterly affection for him. Ykhar and Kero are the panic colleagues; she has a hard time seeing them doing anything else than panicking. She worries a bit for their health as long-term stress is destructive and tries to be as comforting and as nice as possible with them without betraying her personality and morals. Karenn and Alajea are close friends, almost sisterly, but not exactly so. She’s a bit closer with Karenn than she is with Alajea. Cameria is similar to Karenn in the way that she has a bit of a sisterly relationship with Fenris, but in more of a battle partner way. They have a tendency to train together a lot, and they heavily trust each other to have their back in war. Huang Hua is a bit of a friend / leader - she respects the phoenix a lot and has a bit of a close friendly relationship with her. Feng Zifu is a bit of a father figure in the manner that she respects him a lot. She likes to listen to his advice and appreciates his formality.

The AU: So before I explain the plot of the AU, I need to explain a few basics of how I set up the world. In this AU, the crystal breaking could destroy Eldarya, but if it’s shattered in a certain way with certain spells and chants, it’ll release the spirits of the dragons (who sacrificed to create the crystal) and allow them to retain a sort of half-living form - basically they’re alive but... not? It’s weird to  explain. Why does the crystal breaking in this way not destroy Eldarya? The sacrifice allowed a release of energy that originally created the world and then primarily manifested into the shape of the crystal that maintains that world, so this ritual that would be preformed upon it’s shattering would basically allow the energy of the dragons to maintain the world while allowing them to roam around in a different form - hence why they’d be half alive in a way. They’d be physical, but they have additions and limits on what they can and can’t do because they’re still technically dead. However, this isn’t common knowledge (because the guard protects the crystal, they’re the ‘only’ source of ‘accurate’ information on the crystal and both Yonuki Kaze and Miiko have stated that if the crystal breaks Eldarya will fall), only Lance has figured this out (and many of his mercenaries believe him or are working with him because of his destructive habits), so due to this, his ambitions are sort of split in two; destroy the crystal to revive the dragons, and destroy anyone who may try to stop him. In terms of history, Lance in this AU witnessed Miiko (and Nevra - there’s a history behind that that I won’t go into right now) sacrificing dragons to the crystal when he was a part of the guard to try and maintain balance and confronted her about it, only for her to threaten him (in basic; she was convinced sacrificing was the only way to keep balance, and that’s because Yonuki Kaze influenced her into thinking that, so from her perspective Lance coming along and saying it was wrong and had to stop was basically him saying to let the world die) to not tell anyone and stay out of it. Lance then spent a while researching and devising an idea on how to actually balance the world and this included destroying the crystal in a specific way to release the energy (technically there are two ways; the sacrifice was supposed to happen with dragons AND angels, so the ritual was devised to work with the two, but a ritual originally for two races used only with one is basically a ritual preformed improperly, and therefore bound to yield improper results - hence the infertility of the world and shiftiness of it. Undoing the ritual would allow the world to stay while “canceling out the sacrificial imbalance”, but if an angel or demon were to willingly sacrifice - preferably alongside a dragon at the same time - then it would be solved in that way as well). Lance tried to explain this to Miiko later, only to barely get past “I have another idea” before being shut down again. He kept quiet because he feared for himself and his brother (and the only reason Lance could have known that dragons were being sacrificed - without being a dragon himself - is that Miiko said it during the sacrifice he saw, so he didn’t want to raise suspicion onto him and his brother). Later on, Lance is sent to lead an army in a foreign land and is nearly killed, but he saw a chance to escape the guard and took it. From there he’s been Ashkore.

Basically this AU - instead of being “oh no, he’s trying to destroy the world because he’s angry and hurt” - is actually more like “if you had listened the world could be stabilized and also a powerful race could be revived.” It takes the trope of hero and villain and twists it, so the villain is actually a bit of an underdog, villainous hero while the hero’s are - in a way - villains who are heroes because their damning stories haven’t been revealed in a wide-spread manner. Overall, it’s supposed to blur the lines of good and bad, and right and wrong - showing that both sides have good and bad within them, and which side is ‘good’ can depend solely on perception and one’s life anecdote.

*Her story in Origins (where many things are explained in moderation, because if I went in-depth I wouldn’t need to write stories on this): Dakota came to Eldarya by accident via mushroom circle and was placed into the Obsidian guard. She adjusted in time (and willingly took the potion in episode 13 to ease her family / mother of pain and worry) until she got used to things and entered into a romantic relationship with Valkyon. She was sent on basic missions and such and met Ashkore a few times in war (and around the guard), and then she met him accidentally while alone later on outside of the guard. He offered to train her (more like threatened if she didn’t?) and she accepted in time. They trained at night, which was a bit of an issue as she now shared a room with Valkyon and, therefore, had to sneak around. Her skills quickly improved, and her relationship with Valkyon began to decline as he began to become a bit confused / suspicious about her sudden and seemingly random upturn in skills. There were feelings of neglect as well. This carried on for many months and Dakota learned more about Ashkore as well as herself. He eventually admits that she’s a dragon and that he’s investing some of himself into her because of that, and she does her best to explore her abilities with him after that. Eventually she accidentally discovers his actual identity, but keeps quiet about it. As they grow closer, she begins to ask more about him and his reasoning, and he explains his motives for going after the crystal while brushing on the topic of why he’s ruthless to some, but leaves others alone. As she discovers the truth about the dragons and Lance, she realizes that her feelings to the guard were based on lies and false implications, and she begins to grow mentally and emotionally closer with Lance. She becomes less empathetic / sympathetic with Valkyon and eventually sleeps with Lance. This happens a few more times and they enter a sort of limbo where they don’t talk about their relationship with each other but know there’s something heavy going on. Back in the guard, she’s still with Valkyon, and she begins an internal war on what exactly her plan is knowing that she’s sleeping with two guys on the opposite side of a war and that it can’t continue. Her and Valkyon break up in time and she invests her full time into training with Lance, expressing interest in joining his cause. They begin to work together and he gifts her with a specific outfit / armor (that can alternate between identity concealing and revealing for her comfort and safety) so she can go on missions with him. They develop an elaborate scheme to allow her to go on long-term missions with him without suspicion from the guard. She’s eventually sent on a mission and it’s on that mission that she discovers her relation to an ancient dragon named Fenris, and then expresses her interest in taking that name to Lance and the rest of his allies that she’s met (from then on she’s known as Fenris with Lance and Dakota in the guard). Back at the guard, she continues training with Lance and maintaining some sort of odd relationship with himin secret. She’s found elaborate ways to get out of the guard without their suspicion so she can spend many days at a time alone with Lance in a cabin he has hidden in the forest. Over the span of many months / years, she goes on missions with the guard to foreign towns / establishments that are attacked by Ashkore - whether she knows that prior or not - so as she trains she also has actual encounters where she needs to truly fight Lance without actually hurting him while looking as though she’s truly trying to hurt him. When she’s allegedly away on some missions from the guard, she wears the armor that Lance gave her to campaign with him and this occasionally leads to her fighting against the guard if they’re around. In this time and when they’re alone, Lance and allies calls her Fenris as she’s requested them to do. Eventually they go to Memoria together and find out that they have a deeper connection than they think - Fenris (who was an ancient dragon that Dakota took the name of due to her relation with him) and Tia actually knew each other and had a complex history that carried forward to Lance and Dakota / Fenris, and there’s a prophecy of sorts surrounding them. Their relationship after that is still complex, but is more stable as they confirm an attachment to each other. Lance’s identity is eventually revealed to the guard, and sometimes later Fenris is revealed as well, and Lance - in very short, important seconds - offers her to join him completely outside the guard’s walls. She accepts and they flee the guard for a while and plot. Eventually they attack the guard in a final push and get to the crystal, successfully breaking it with... some losses. From there is the skip to ANE, but New Era is... complicated. I haven’t yet thought how she fits into ANE, as many things would be different. Maybe I won’t put pressure on creating her story in it, but if I do I might list it here. Her story in ANE would need to be based off of her story I have here in Origins.

If I write excerpts of this, there may also be many more adventure scenarios that are written but aren’t mentioned here (Lance offering to “help” the guard bring down another greater threat and then turning his forces on them in the midst of war for his own gain, sending them on a wild goose chase, the guard tracking them through rough, unforgiving landscapes trying to catch them, etc.) depending on how the details of her story manifest.

I apologize; that’s a lot to read but I can be very specific and this AU has a lot of important detail that separates it from the original Origins storyline. And this talks over my OC’s details and an AU, which is a lot since there’s not a lot of referencing because I’ve never talked about either before... However, if you’ve read all the way through this post - congrats, and I hope you’re interested in it!

Again, writing excerpts about my OC and her storyline in this AU is an option you can vote on in my writing poll that determines what I’ll write now so I can post later when I can’t access my Tumblr for a few weeks, so if you’re interested in reading about this then please read the info I have about the poll here and feel free to vote!

[thistle-and-thorn]

my goal-setting manifesto

So recently @woodswit wrote a super thought-provoking post about struggling with the benefits of loving feeling fit and struggling with external validation regarding fitness and so this is kind of my reference guide for myself about goal-setting and the way *I* need to remember to think about it.

I minored in a very specific form of organizational management in college and a huge part of that curriculum was goal-setting. We were encouraged to make one-year, five-year, ten-year career plans, we learned how to set SMART goals, how to identify what steps were right for you, etc. Well, babies, I did not need this curriculum because in high school we had done this exact same curriculum. SMART goals, college planning, etc. Bitch, I knew how to plan my life and, bitch, I had it planned. I was a very high-achieving and ambitious student—I went after awards, AP scores, good grades, letters of recommendation. The school system I attended was very typical of an American school in that those things were the primary indicators for success and the “quality” of our grades determined our classes (and subsequently our social groups) and myriad other things. I was a “good girl” and bought into and benefitted from this kind of structure immensely.

Well. I also have struggled with severe anxiety and periodic depressive episodes that significantly interrupt my daily life and ability to care appropriately for myself. These disorders reached a critical mass at the midpoint of my college career and, after two very bad semesters (one of which ended with me getting a tiny sexy scar from fainting into a doorway), I realized I needed to make significant changes to my priorities. More specifically, I needed to examine the method by which I was defining and collecting achievement and validation. So, after much therapy (I love u Claire), soul-searching, several glasses of a very good local hard cider, I decided to write out the way I goal-set now that enables me to actually breathe and not spiral into self-hatred.

Why Do We Need Goal-Setting?

I actually think that goal-setting is deeply important. If you are a dreamer, I would even say that goal-setting is essential. Personally, I’m a planner/dreamer and enjoy setting goals. It comforts me. Getting a little organized around amorphous ideas like “I want to be a novelist” or “I wish I could travel the world” allows those things to become attainable.

Process and Product

I would say that there are two ways of thinking about goals:

1. Product-Oriented: This is the type of thinking that was taught in my management classes and is exactly what it sounds like. If you do these steps, then you will get x-result. An example of a well-written product-oriented goal is, “By Tuesday, I need to complete three research reports.” (This is true, and I completed them today motherfuckers.) It’s concise, attainable, and happens within a set timeframe.

2. Process-Oriented: This type of thinking focuses on what you will learn or benefit from accomplishing an activity. When I was teaching preschool, an example of this would be taking the kids for a nature walk or free drawing, basically doing an activity where there is no expected result. There is nothing to achieve, there is no medal. The work and the discoveries you make doing the work is the reward. A process-oriented goal would be, “I want to learn about characterization from writing this story.”

In woodswit’s example, she talks about the benefits that cardio exercise has on her mental health, how much happier and confident she is when she is doing a certain variety of exercise regularly. She also talks about how she used to do intense sports.

In this case, a product-oriented way to frame that discussion would be, “I want to get back to the weight I was when I was playing sports” or “I want to be able to lift fifty pounds again.” You will take smaller steps to reach that product—changing the way you eat, figuring out a plan for to work up to lifting heavier things. But the product-oriented way is ultimately a binary—you will either be able to lift fifty pounds or not, you will either reach the weight you were or you won’t. But the process-oriented way to think about these things would be, “I love biking and want to do more of it. Every weekend this summer, I will bike a different rail trail in my county.” The process-oriented method is less specific, but it takes that pressure away from your performance—in the biking example, the only expectation that is set is that you’re going to travel to different bike trails, not that you have to go to every rail trail in the county or that you have to complete the whole trail when you go or that you have to do it in a certain time, just that you are going to go.

There is space for both of these methods, and they are best used in conjunction with each other. Product-oriented is useful, especially in financial situations. A goal for 2022 is to visit my childhood best friend in her new home, halfway across the country. Say I want to go in May 2022 and I figure out that it will cost me roughly $2000. I should probably set a goal with steps to save $2000 by May. It’s also beneficial for the smaller steps to bolster your path to your big dreams—When I was a kid, playing piano gave me a lot of discipline and I would like to have that habit again. That is a process-oriented way of thinking about playing music, but you will probably need to set smaller, product-based goals to achieve it—you will need to select a song and learn to play it, within that song you will need to master it measure by measure.

When we are trained to reach for product, it is hard to recognize the value of process-orientation. A phenomenal example is my WIP. The story I am writing now has 3% the amount of kudos as my biggest fic. I also had a goal of updating every Tuesday. By product standards, that story is a flop. It has the least amount of engagement of anything I’ve ever written, and I haven’t updated it in like two weeks. However, why do I write? I write because I enjoy it, I write fanfic specifically to practice new skills. This story has stretched my abilities and I’ve grown from working on it. By process standards, it’s the most successful of my fics.

And in terms of bigger life things? Process-oriented is the way to go. Why? Because if the pandemic taught us anything, it is that life is not linear. It is nearly impossible to set a straight path—be it up a corporate ladder or a fitness goal—why? Because life sucks. Someone dies, you become ill, it rains, you fall in love, you fall out of love—minute inconveniences happen every day. Process takes the pressure off of your performance because you can’t perform all the time. This is essential in fitness goals because our physical state is especially ephemeral. Of course, it happens in other areas of life, too. An example: In the autumn of 2017, I fell into the deepest depression I have ever been in before or since. I could not remember to shower, let alone do my anthropology homework. As a result, for the first time, I was struggling to create the basic products—like, you know, homework—expected in my classes. That was even more devastating. Around the midpoint of the semester, I realized that product was not sustaining me and if I didn’t want to drop out or harm myself when I “failed”, I had to change my approach.

Once my classes became less about “I need to feel my Middle East studies requirement so I can get a History degree and get an A so I can get on the Dean’s List,” and I reconnected with, “I want to learn a lot about the Middle East,” the products came more naturally. They came more imperfectly, too, but I was able to complete the product because I put less pressure on making them to a certain standard. It became easier to recommit to my goal of being a college-educated woman when I remembered the why of receiving a college education. In woodswit’s original post, she acknowledges that the definition of intense exercise is different for every individual. But it’s also different for the individual at different points in their life and recognizing that intensity and success are arbitrary standards is an essential part of reframing your goal-setting as being process-orientated.

How Do I Goal Set Now?

I still goal-set and a lot of my goals could be likely defined as product-goals. However, they are all made with a long view in mind—if I set a goal to run a 5K, what am I going to get out of it besides just saying that I can run a 5K? Here are ways that I stay process-oriented throughout:

1. Goal Periods

I have three times of year when I set goals: January, June, and Lent. I will set a date on the calendar every year to sit down and just think about what I want to accomplish just in the next twelve-month period and what vision I have for myself in three to five years. No more than that.

January is when I set my personal goals and June is where I set my professional ones. I keep a spreadsheet throughout the year of experiences I would like to have. I will look to this list for inspiration. In January and June, while goal-setting, I check in with the opposing goals. So, in June, I checked in with my progression on my personal goals. I rethought if those goals were still realistic and if I was benefitting from them and in what ways. Then I recommitted to them or adjusted them to help me reach them.

2. Holistic Goals

Unless it’s curing cancer, there is no single goal worth putting all the rest on hold for. Each goal is a battle, and your life is the war. This is a deeply privileged example but: the goal of living independently the first two years out of college was probably achievable. But the effort to achieve that one goal meant that, like, six other personal and financial goals would not be met. So, I put off my career goals and stayed at home and taught preschool for two years. It meant a delay while it seemed like my other friends were growing up and achieving at faster rates, but the temporary strain of achieving a particular goal is sometimes worth it when it dominos into other opportunities.

3. Goal Bundling

I bundle my goals now as a part of my goals check-ins. An example of this is: I loved studying abroad and would love to spend more extended time in the country I studied in during undergrad. I would love to go to graduate school. Ipso facto, presto change-o, I should look at graduate programs in that country and see if that is an achievable goal.

This post is a good example of all of this lol. Why did I write it? there won't be an audience for it but the process of setting all of these thoughts on to paper was cathartic, creating a reference guide on this topic for myself when I am depressed is important, and that has to, has to, has to be good enough.

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.