#and then hes like 'wait this isnt my dad haha'

[junebugdunes]

Obsessed with the way Paper Mario TTYD will get super serious

Like you're expecting a silly paper cutout RPG and then you'll get thrown into being in hot water with the mafia don who wants you to find his daughter or it's your life

But then it'll cut back to Mario and he's just

and it's back to being a silly paper cutout rpg

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

wibta if i keep having sex with my friends dad? nsfw warning

i (20s cismale) got invited by my friend (20s nonbinary) to try out some new edibles they made last thursday. this isnt too weird because both of us are unemployed (they get disability, i get money from unemployment, and we both live with our parents) and usually during the day their dad (50s cismale) is at work so we get the house to ourselves. well last thursday was different because i came over late in the night when their dad was home, and he offered to make me some dinner too. i get the munchies really bad so i was immediately like yes please and thank you while i fucked off to my friends room. we played some smash bros while we waited for the cookies to kick in, and when it started to hit his dad called us both out for dinner. dinner was great, and his dad is super chill — so he let us raid his alcohol cabinet. i dont think he knew either of us were stoned for the record (im naturally really quiet/dont make eye contact, my friend sounds high 24/7 naturally) so i dont think he was like trying to get anyone drunk or anything. my tolerance is pretty good but my friends is shit so it didnt take long until they were like blackout drunk and passing out on the couch, while their dad and i were both drunk too (not blackout but pretty drunk, and i was still high) and sitting on the opposite side of the couch next to eachother

important fact about me - i crossdress like femboys or whatever theyre called. i like looking really feminine and cute and confusing people. im not trans or anything like that gender is just a game and i am winning it. but i do tend to dress up in very egirl/goth gf clothes if you know what i mean, and i look pretty convincing ive been told (friend tells me i would pass for ciswoman with the makeup on). i think their dad maybe forgot that i was me (he usually sees me in boy clothes) and he started hitting on me? i didnt think i was gay or bi either until he started doing it and i got really flustered but i didnt stop him? again i was fucked up so the attention felt really nice despite it being my friends dad. but anyways he kept getting closer until he kissed me, and it felt nice so i let it keep going? which was probably super fucked up in retrospect. but anyways stuff gets hot and steamy, their dad doesnt bother lifting up my skirt, one thing leads to another and we have sex. he definitely noticed im not a girl during that (its pretty hard to miss lol) but he didnt stop so we kept going for a while

after we were done he and i passed out on the couch in a kind of awkward position, we both woke up in the morning and i think thats when he realized im me, but he didnt seem to freak out even though hes straight?? or at least i thought he was straight. but we had sex again in the morning and then when my friend woke up we all had breakfast and i went back to my friends room and we hung out more and got high again. while we were though i accidentally spilled the beans to my friend, and they FREAKED out on me and said that i was so gross for doing that, and they cant believe that it happened, stuff like that. they kicked me out of their room and their dad had to drive me home because i was shaking bad from it. but while their dad drove me home i was super pissed and mad and not thinking straight (haha) and so i tried to convince their dad to take a detour so we could fuck again. and he was like, okay sure, so we did?? but now i feel horrible for doing it knowing that it grossed my friend out so much, but i really like their dad and he seems to like me too, and i want to keep banging him :(

What are these acronyms?

[romsabombs]

malevolent part 46 the unclean live listen notes

SPOILERS BELOW

faroe jumpscare

is she haunting him lol

i cant believe he slept

"its probably an animal" u guys keep forgetting what podcast you're in

"you were sleeping?" "NO👹" defensive for no reason

stop hiding things from eachother challenge impossible

"it was just Things" 😐

what is blud yapping about😭🙏

LILY MENTIONED‼️

yeah yeah we know john we were all there🙄

cheesy ass episode where are the horrors

TRAIN STORY CALLBACK :33333

u dont have to remind me this story is bouncing around in my brain at all times

ooohh okayyyy music

arthur is not registering any of this let the man sleep💀

john praising lily for just doing her job is so funny to me

omgg :3 faroe is hanging out

no its not malam his ass doesnt sound like that

is he not even considering that it could be faroe usually he jumps at any chance to mention her

its disney pixar movie brave

shes guiding him?? showing him the way??

do u think they're fae

oh hes being compelled

"we shouldnt just sit here" ya thatd be a boring episode

hes fighting it

they're fae i faer

maybe just go the opposite direction

"what We're seeing" ok arthur

oh ermm😕😕

ANOTHER CULT??? COME ON😐😐

omg crying obsidian literally minecraft

oh dear a child. oh nvm He

its that dead child in the river isnt it

HAHA HE ROBBED THEM

arthur what happened to your decluttering mindset

HAHA YORRICK💀💀💀 they kidnapped his ass

oh his ass gonna is snitch on us

👹fuck mother darkness👹

"as unfortunate as that is" 💀

what makes u think he didnt lie to you about being the last of his kind

"we wouldn't be walking into a trap BLINDLY" "we'd be walking in with MY EYES wide open"

yorrick if you dont rat us out we'll buy you a lego set😇😇 or a chew toy

bro just dont follow him hes obviously just using the bag to bait you

ok dont get the bag guys r u dumb

STUPID!! DONT!!!! ☠️😠 guys i cant keep defending you

they will not ignore the lights bruh🙏

god we're only 19 minutes in

they're gonna die from this bruh

goddamn it john😭

oh no💀💀💀 man come on

they're cooked🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

wait is it actually okay i cant tell anymore

oh😕😕😕 BLERGH☹️☹️

naur the hunt got to him🙏

idk wtf is going on anymore bruh

okay ya its still a trap

dont drink that fucking water bruh i bet his corpse was in there

ofcourse it looks inviting bruh💀💀

they're what

💀💀 HAHA HE LEFT dumbasses

funny as hell now what

DONT DRINK IT HAHA ARE U CRAZY

it looks inviting again huh😐😐

NOOOOO💀💀 jarthur needs a babysitter bruh

"it leads men astray" only men huh😐 god forbid women have hobbies

HEART OF THE FOREST MENTIONED‼️‼️‼️‼️

they're trying so hard to be otgw

IN THE DREAMLANDS?

YEAHHHHH

omg i knew it'd come back

no guys maybe it's the same forest remember when u gave it your finger n u actually didnt need to and u said Lets hope they'll pay us back

FAE FAE FAE THEYRE FAE💥💥

mushroom smell is a core memory for him💀💀

HAHA WTF sillyness

william mentioned

what is his ass yapping about 😭

is this still a trap wtf r these mushrooms doing to him💀

hes dancing???? naur what the hell

hes cooked the fae got to him💀🙏

music is distorting ermmm😕

blud snorted too many mushrooms

WHAT?????? not the traumadumping

madness madness madness

man what the hell

☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

man i thought he had a relatively good relationship with his dad😕

YOU DID WHAT😨😨

WHAAAT WHAT THE FUCK MAN

did the dancing exhaust him

😕 man what the hell was that

what the hell wait what now

its the king isn't it

this eppy is crazy man ill kms

the fae got to him‼️🗣️🗣️

EVERYONE SPEAKS IN YOUR VOICE BRUH THERE IS ONE VOICE

what is going on bru

WHO?? 🗣️ horick???

was the shrine for him then

bro is bargaining💀

wuh oh😕

WHAT😨😨😨

YOUNGER????? not again arthur💀

once a child murderer always a child murderer

is arthur pulling this guy's chain bru

nah he was definitely lying right😕

fym "what are you doing" what are YOU doing

he what. he slept?? i think arthur was just pulled away from him so he was like. unconscious?? maybe

they just keep making secret deals with evil gods🙄

oh man hes so ashamed

john trying to have a moment with him and getting shot down again

so whats the plan here are you just gonna go back to killing children

"us" hmmmmmm

hes definitely not gonna tell john abt the deal

oh he did. but not about the child part

YEA THE CORPSES RIGHT

yess i was right💥💥💥💥

yeesh😕

i like how in audio dramas the throwing up sound is always just some tin foil getting squeezed

what an episode. i have to pee so bad

MMMM REALLY not liking the theme im seeing in this season (children)

[stargirlie25]

Make it make sense..

I just don´t understand some e/riels logic.....

Like one day, Azriel is Elains mate because he figured out her power and cleared the murky realm she was in.

Another day he is a good protective boyfriend for saying the whole ´´There is an innate darkness that Elain should not be exposed to´´'and that was previously because she got kidnapped due to her powers.

Another day Lucien is a horrible man for saying ´´good´´ after feyre mentioned there has been no sign of her powers even though he originally asked how she was doing not anything to do with her powers.

Apparently that´s bad behavior because Elain should embrace that power. Although when someone mentions how Elain can get uneasy because of it, they say ´´Well she´s going to be stuck with it forever so its best to embrace it´´

BUT Azriel should forever hide his power because he apparently feels better without it?

One day its ´´The bonus chapter isnt even important because not everybody has access to it!´´

Although another day, the bonus chapter thats so useless reveals lightsinger powers for one of the key people in ACOSF? The optional bonus reveals that a character lured in Azriel and has a dangerous spell on him?!

One day its, oh my gosh forbidden love!

Another day its Elain has a choice and she should not be forced into anything!

But she should be Azriels hidden f-toy? She should be forced to that position even though he isnt ever going to be satisfied with her because he wants a mate?

Or its, Elain does not owe Lucien anything! BUTTTT she deserves to give Azriel her time and hide in the darkness with him and play out his fantasies (only thing he wants) even though he refers to her as ´´The thrid´´. Even though SHE HERSELF gave back the necklace out of her own choice. (something e/riels always disrespect and never notice)

Ugh mates are boring! We want rejected mates!

Or its, E/riel are actually mates because Az can smell the bond.

They are mates because Azriel thought so!

Like Elain is literally a conspiracy theory to Azriel miss maam

Or, Elain made a deal with koschei to be Azriels mate.

Its forbidden love!

No its the whole ´´The boy who never got chosen and the girl who never had the option to chose´´

Elain is the light to Azriels darkness!

Wait no Elain is the light IN the darkness!

(Azriels shadows shy away from light and he trains at night and Elain is a light who needs light and chases away darkness)

Death and life!

(Makes sense because the NC sucks the LIFE from her and obviously death can restore it?)

Elain can´t be highlady of the day court!

Yeah because shes totally going to be High lady of the dusk court with Az..

There is nothing wrong with Elains hobbies! (gardening and baking)

Elains going to be the spymaster of the night court because she keeps secrets about a pregnancy and she will wield a dagger it all times!

She will be the savior of Illyria! (Never trained a day in her life)

Stop trying to change Gwyn for a man and try to say shes a spy (even though she literally was spying in the BR like Az was doing at the same time) However Elain can be a spy because she is foreshadowed to be!

Also Elain is foreshadowed to be taking private lessons with Azriel (Gwyn already does. Canon)\

Luciens gifts to Elain prove that he views her as a breakable docile flower but Azriel basic necklace proves that he sees her for the bada$$ she is? (got that from @lorcanisdabest thought it was funny haha)

Azriel feeling insecure and unworthy of being near Elain because of his TRAUMA means nothing! Elain can fix him! Although Gwynriel isnt happening because they were reminded of Gwyns past (which they were both present for) for a HEARTBEAT WHICH IS LITERALLY 0.8 SECONDS AND THAT MEANS THEY CANT THINK OF ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT AND THAT´S TOXIC!!!!!!

E/riel are mates because a smile bloomed on Azriels face in regards to Elain.

Although its just normal that a smile bloomed on elain face (AFTER HER DAD DIED WHO SHE WAS CLOSEST to) in regards to Lucien. Like thats just clown sh!t.

Amren said Az was underestimating Elain but we should not take her word for it because it was not Azriels (even though thats the only canon piece of what sjm provided on what Azriel could have been doing) BUT we should take feyres word on Elain and Azriel everytime!

There is so much more crap E/riels say but that would take FOREVER. All im saying is that to make your content consistent. Stick to one plot and make it make sense.

Something i have seen with Eluciens and gwynriels is that we have a solid idea on the romantic part for our ships and it stays consistent.

[actualbird]

you probably already saw this in ur notifs but i have been OBSESSED with everything tot you've posted ever since my tot obsession came back. like. OH MAN I VIBE WITH YOU. YOUR IDEAS AND DISCUSSION OF CHARACTERS. CHEFS KISS. poly ot5 is my everything especially bcs it gets DEEP into every one of them :D

and i was thinking about mc's parents meeting nxx. in a scenario where maybe, they need researchers and for some reason or whatever they need someone personal, who they can fully trust including maybe some nxx stuff.

luke looks at mc. mc looks at luke.

well, if marius von hagen needed them. surely they'd be allowed to leave the program maybe temporarily.

and that's how vyn, artem, and marius have their internal parental issues brought out in full force at the sight of mc and luke with mc's parents. like they're just coddling them in the Parent way and they're both enjoying it as a Son and Daughter would. and those three are just like Oh. Wow. That Looks Nice.

artem has both parents but like based on how he's lonely as a kid i know these sorts of interactions were surely few and far between. he would Not be so emotionally repressed. marius has a loving dad but a dead mom who people blame him for and austin has said himself that he Represses. like marius. and vyn? Disastrous. yeah they would be having a Moment with that sort of scenario

and the Moments they will be having when the parenting goes to them too. because i think mc's parents are the type to parent their kid's friends too. they see these sad boys and think. Adopted.

SORRY THIS GOT SO LONG ASJJFKWKS it's just given me a lot of Thoughts.

hello hello, and HAHA YEAH i did see in my notifs a lot these past few days!! im so so glad you enjoy my tot stuff, i was particularly surprised that u even managed to get to me super early posts. it makes me rlly happy to see even those still enjoyable now ;w;

also pls this idea is lovely, has such fertile environment for BIG FEELS!!!!

i rlly wish we knew more about mc’s parents in canon. like i understand that theyve been yeeted into the void for narrative/player-insert-ambiguity purposes buT I HAVE A GREAT NEED!! TO SEE THEM COME BACK!!! ALL THE INTERACTIONS WLD BE LOVELY

and gosh yeah jkvkjHVJAHFKS 3 SAD BOIS R IN GREAT NEED FOR SOME FAMILIAL LOVE!! it makes me really emotional thinking about how artem, vyn, and marius have less than stellar parent-relationships for all the reasons u mention. it’s either absence, neglect, or something else altogether that just resulted in a childhood where their parents couldve been better. they werent the worst parents in the world, but they all couldve been better.

(sidenote: “and vyn? Disastrous” THATS SUCH A FUNNBY ONE-LINER FOR HIS PARENT SITUATION AKJFHVSOFAISLVALIUBA)

im So For mc’s parents vaguely becoming pseudo-parents to the other three. i mean, they already did that with luke, whats 3 more neurotic grown men?

(sidenote 2: i joke sometimes that luke is unintentionally very good at collecting father figures. aaron, that Bar L owner, a bunch of mentioned NSB seniors he worked under. people see luke and go “wow is anybody gonna son-ify that young man” and then they dont wait for an answer, they just go for it)

itd be sweet and also entertaining if mc’s parents invited them all to a dinner. i mean, the nxx boys are the people she hangs around The Most so it’s basically like meeting her friend group! her….really weird and varied friend group who REALLY want to make a good impression.

[outside of mc’s apartment, artem, marius, and vyn stall on ringing the door buzzer]

marius: ok so before we go in, i wanna ask…….what gifts did u get her parents?

vyn: this better not be a way for you to flaunt your gift

marius: it isnt! im genuinely curious!! and also hoping i’ll be less nervous if i know what you guys brought!!!

artem: i bought a kitchen knife set and sharpened them myself

vyn: i purchased the best bottle of wine i could

marius: …cool. cool cool cool cool those are lovely and reasonable gifts and now im realizing i should uh. tone mine down.

artem: huh?

vyn: what on earth did you get?

marius: it’s fine, dont worry about it, im getting vincent to drive it away right now

vyn: WHAT

luke, phasing into existence behind them without a sound: so are you three thinking of going inside any time this century?

artem, marius, vyn: AAHH

itll totally be a fun dinner all together HAHAHKJAVFKJHAS

[bonesandthebees]

WE’RE ALL SYNCED NOOO…. everyone remember to rest and eat and hot water bottles help with cramps but don’t burn urselves .. and maybe take some paracetamol too (or ibuprofen if ur feeling silly) my mother swears by it . I think it’s just a desi thing and like willpower i forgot tje term but like . when u believe something will help u so much it does . But it works for me..

AND HONEY WATER!! i will stand by honey water till the day i die just boil some water and add some honey and wait for it to cool (don’t burn ur throats guys) Or just add a bit of cold water like i do and supposedly that helps with a sore throat and it makes u feel all warm and fuzzy . my Dad taught me the first one he says its cause of the texture i never fact checked that

i’m getting carried away with the random food things ONE MORE FOR GOOD LUCK if u want . to make Desi chai . boil half a cup of water and put tjat in a tiny saucepan with the teabag, one cardamom (make sure u crack it open so the tiny little seeds drop out), like a Teaspoon of fennel seeds or something idk i just add whatever amount looks good, and optionally a little bit of cinnamon (again i just wing it just add a small bit) and some sugar/sweetener and let that all simmer for like 30 seconds while u get half a cup of milk and pour that into ur saucepan . Thenn you wanna mix that around a bit and leave it all to . cook? that doesn’t sound like the right word… whatever. leave it for a few minutes and ur final step is when the chai starts rising u let it rise to the top and then turn down the heat and let it sink (i have a gas stove but if you have an electric ermm just set it aside for two secs to sink i think that’ll work). let it rise and sink three times!!! this really makes the flavour pop according to my dad!! then just strain it and enjoy :3 i lovee chai it was inevitable being pakistani HAHA it always makes me feel better after anything whether i feel sick or something bad happens or if i’m just silly chai is just nice for any occasion . my phopo calls me an auntie but Likeee isnt being a rich brown auntie the life…… im not rich yet but one day guys trust

anyway that got long HAHA i love cooking and baking and stuff … and home remedies MEDICATION IS GOOD DONT GET ME WRONG but sometimes im too lazy to run to the shops and get some cough syrup or something so i just make some honey water .. please take ur meds and get vaccinated though guys ❤️ stay safe hope u liked my chai :3

do you know how many asks I've gotten saying they're also on their period literally why are all of my followers synced up WHAT IS THIS

everyone listen to our friend here. honey water sounds lovely I'll have to try it. usually I just go for drinking honey straight out of the bottle if I have a sore throat but I suppose honey water might work a bit better lol

also OOOO CHAI!! tbh I've always wanted to make chai at home because so often chai I've gotten in coffee shops just... isn't it. but when it's good it's so good. I'm going to take note of this so I can get some cardamom and fennel seeds from the store :))) so excited to try it

[lolotheparagon]

Has any of the ponies met the Arkham Knight? If so how did that go?

Arkham Knight/Red Hood: So let me get this straight. You little aliens are adopted by the Scarecrow?

Ponies: Yep!

Red Hood: And he's a good, attending father?

Ponies: Yep!

Red Hood: ...We're still talking about Crane, right?

Sweetie Belle: Well, duh!

Pinkie Pie: How did you know him, sir?

Red Hood: I used to be his second in command

Starsong: What does that mean?

Cheerilee: A second in command is a person who acts as a second authority to the head commander/chief officer. Hence the phrase "in command"

Red Hood: I was more of a sidekick, honestly.

Scootaloo: Woah, mister, you must have loads of stories about Mr Crow!

Red Hood: Yep, but none of them are flattering.

Scootaloo: Why not?

Red Hood: Trust me, from my experience. Scarecrow is a cold, ruthless cynical man who doesnt care about anyone. He wants to inspire fear and hatred to everyone unfortunate enough to be in his radar.

Toola Roola: Well, that last bit's true. He is a scarecrow after all.

Red Hood: (wait does these kids seriously think he's a scarecrow?)

Scootaloo: But that first bit's not true! He cares about us!

Red Hood: Cos he sees you guys as blank slates. He wanted to mold you guys into his image.

(Looks at the pastel ponies)

Red Hood: Which, by the looks of you all, I don't think is gonna happen. Like ever

Rainbow Dash: Phew! Thats a relief! I'd die before Id wear any icky dingy cloaks.

Scootaloo: Seriously, Mr Hood. Mr Crow is such a cool guy. He's powerful, scary and he loves my knack for causing chaos, and thats true Im pretty good at smashing up stuff and beating up bad guys!

Cheerilee: Funny, I never saw you take down a thug before.

Scootaloo: Im working on some new moves okay?!

Rainbow Dash: Mr Hood, with all due respect. We understand where you're coming from and we know that Mr Crow isnt the nicest guy around. But we still love him

Toola Roola: Im pretty sure he likes us too. I mean, he did give us one wicked Halloween party this year and he was willing to drive around every Bobby Burger's joint in Gotham just to get Starsong her Disney Princess Laffy Meals toys. But sometimes he can be a real meanie. Like he doesn't do a lot of activities with us unless we tell him to.

Pinkie Pie: He certainly isnt the hugging type either.

Red Hood: Yeah, that's Crane for ya. Being a dad doesnt come naturally to him.

Pinkie Pie: So do you have any advice for helping us with Mr Crow's grumpiness and get him to lighten up a bit?

Red Hood: ...

(These kids have no idea their dad is a supervillain. In fact, I dont even think they know what the word "supervillain" means. Well, they look okay for kids being raised by the master of fear and they sure do love him. Urgh, I bet Crane's acting like a good dad to freak everyone out. Sounds like something he would do. Well, just in case, I'll give 'em some defense tips)

Well, he's an old man. Grumpiness is part of his nature. But if he gets too mean like say he doesn't want to get you another round of ice cream or doesn't want to play tea party...Here are all of Crane's weak spots. He's got a crippled leg so strike at the back of his left knee to knock him down. And make sure to stitch up his mouth if he's saying anything stupid. Like a zipper mouth sorta thing. Also he hates loud music so whatever you got on your phone, blast it. Also, throw him off a bridge for me.

Cheerilee: Wont that kill him?

Red Hood: Nah, dont worry, he's a scarecrow. He cant feel any pain. Straw body, remember?

Scootaloo: I knew he was a magic scarecrow!

Red Hood: Exactly! So whenever he pisses you guys off, just (under breath) Oh crap, I shouldnt sworn in front of them

Scootaloo: Haha that sounds funny! Piss off! Piss off!

(all the ponies join in saying pisses off while bouncing up and down)

Red Hood: Oh god, I've set them off now.

[goldenimpact]

hELLO IS ANYONE OUT THERE????

OKAY HI hELLO  FIRST OFF I HOPE EVERYONE IS WELL NOW

THAT THE EVIL WHATEVER I AM HAS FALLEN AND GCANT GET UP COMMERCIAL

SOMETHIN SEOMTHIGN DID IT HURT WHEN YOU FELL FROM HEAVEN THE ANSWER IS YES I GOT SHOVES TO THE FLOOR RECENTLY AND THIS FUCKIN BRUISE ISNT FADING FUNNNY HAHA OK PLEASENTRIRSSE ARE DONE

UH IM CATHERINE, MOD-SAN, GOLD, whatever they're callin me nowadays holy shit dude my hands are shakin like crazy

they've had me literally cleaning house PRETTY MUCH AS SOON AS I RECOVERED all work no play makes jack a dull boy thats me IM jack damn it i can't tell if i've eveolved into  a live-in housekeeper or some sort of roomaate and the paymetnt si s that i get to keep my lifeand also i REALLY need to move my keyboard over or get the window to leave the screen cause i can't blind type it just ain't happenin my leg's jitterering like hell BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART IS IM ALIVE YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but i have absolutely NO CLUE how ;long THAS gonna last BBUT the great news is that ive finally been able to sit at my dangf computer and and actual;ly TYOOUCH ANFD LOOK AT IT ive practically been buried in all the freezers BUT ANYWAYS GOD MY HANDSA THEY STING SO FUCKING IABAD D ALKl ANYWAYS IM ALIVE IM STILL HERE IM TRYING?????????? TO GET BACK BUT EVERYONE HERE IS UHH NOT GOOD TO PUT IT LIGHTLY ITS TERRIFYIN OVER HERE BUT IM SENDING MY WELL WISHES THAT EVERYONE IS OKAY OVER THERE AND YOU SURVIVED WHETER THE HECK ANGR MY BIG SDIS MUST"VE SBUBJECTED YALL TOO BEACSE SHE IS FUCKING PISSSEEED LATELY IM GENUUNINLY WORRIED FOR OURLIVES LEVEL THERES SO MANY FIGHTS AND COMING-OUT-ABOUT-HER-LEGEND-OF-VIOLENCE STORY AND THE SHOOTIGN REVENTLY AND POINT IS THE LEGAL STUFF MIGHT GET RESOLVED OKAY?????? DADS MAGIC PROTAG POWERS OR WHATER APAPRENTLY HE KNOWS EVREYONE PERSON ON THE PLANET ITS GODDAMN WITCHCARAFT BUT MOMS DROPPIN LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY BBBBBBUYT OTS HER BIRTHDAY THIS WEEK AND WERE GONNA TRY AND TAKE ME OUTSIDE AND SEE IF I EXPLODE IN THE SUNLIGHT SO UUUUUUUUUUUUUUH THANKS FOR EVERYTHIGN I LOVE YOU GUYS ILL TRYT TO FUCKIN REACTIVATE ALL MY ACCOUNTS ALL A BAJILLION OF THEM APPARENTLY I WAS ONE CRASY AKJSFI KID PLEAASE PASS THIS MESSAGE ON MY BI G SIS WAKES UP SOON IF SHE HEARS ME IM GETTTIN IT I HAVE NO FUCKIN IDEA WHATS GOIN ON ON YOUR SIDE CAUSE NO ONE IS SAYIN JACK SHIT BADUM TSSHH BUT I GOT  MY SHIT COMIN AT LIKE 9 AM RIGHT WHEN I TAKE MY VERY MYSTERIOUS NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THEY DO ANYMORE MEDS AND IF I KICIK THE BUCKET AT LEAST I FUCKING STAYED BABY YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ALSO IM NOT DRUNK WE DONT DRINK IN THIS HOUSE EVER BUT I DEFINITYL NEEDS A LIL HELP IN LIKE ANY SORT OF MEANIN NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE FUCKIN REMEMBERS ANYTHING IN ANY SOR TOF WAY FOR ANY SORT OF THING ITS AN ACTUAL I HAVE NO IDEA WHOSE CALLIN OR TOUCHIN SHIT OR WHAT TALL THIS SHTI IS IN THE HOUSE AND FRANKLY IM TERRIFIED CAUSE EVREYONE LEAVES POR PASSES OUT BEFORE I CAN GET A CLEAR ANSWER AND AND ADN COLD WAR INTELLIGENCE WHATHER NEWS STORY OLD POPS HERE IS PUTTIN ON TV ANYWAYS LOVE YOU GUYS STAY SAFE CALL OUT IF YOU SEE ME IN THE WILDS SOMEDAY BUYYEYEEE

WAIT I JUST REMEMBRED BIG SIS IS GONNE DESTROY SHIT SOON SONSONSOON SHIT HSHISTHSHIT OK ANYWAYS ERVYTHIN ONLINE LOOKS OKAY FROM WHERE I CAN SEE IT IN MYSETRUOS VPN LAND AND IM GOIN THROUGH MY COMP RIGHT NOW BUT EVREYON IN OUR HOUSE RECOGNIZES THE DISCORD SYMBOL PROBABLY>>>?????? SO IM TRYIN TO FIND ALL OTHER CONTACTS BUT ITS JUST A BUNCH OF EMAILS DDDDUDE I JUST HAD TO LET YALL KNOW WE'RE ALIEV HOPE ALL OF YOU ARE WELL LOVE YALL EVER IF YOU DONT BELIEVE THAT ASTY SAFE WATCH OUT FOR FUKCING PUNCHES OR SIDESWEEPS AND MY BIG SISSS KILLING BLOW AND THE FCKKGNGI  SWORD ON TOP OF HER BOOKSELG OR THE LITTLE GUN THING IN HER LCOSET WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN IN HER ROOM ANYMROE ANYWASY DONT DIE OUT THERE LIKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PEACE OUT BURY ME UNDER A BLUE SKY WITH ALL MY SHIT IIM HANDING  DOWN WHATEVR THE ITTY BITTY NOT SO BITTY NEICE WANTS LIL PRINCESS LILLY HAACKER SCAMMER HUSTLER SECOND LEGEND OF VIOLENCE IN THE MAKIN IM GONNA FUCKIN PASS OUT I HAVE NO  IDEA OF FUCKIN ANYTHIN THATS HAPPPENIN HERE EVERERR GOD CAN I TALK TO ANYONE THAT ISNT THIS NEIGHBORHOOD THAT THIGNS I HAVE HEARSD ABOUT THE PWOPLE ROUND HERE any ewysbans m y hands are shak in and breakin and crankin love yall stay safe dont fall into a ditch like me ever again mMWAHH TEDDIE IF YOURE OUT I STILL OWE YOU THAT FUCKIN LETTTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[scalproie]

Haha. Kazuya. You understand.

one aspect about them i love

THEM TIDDIES

but fr he has his whole aesthetic on point. and I will say. him face. nice

one aspect i wish more people understood about them

HE'S A TRAGIC CHARACTER. HE'S SOOO DOOMED IN ANY WAY BC CHARACTERS LIKE HIM ARE MEANT TO BE PUT DOWN IN A SATISFYING STORY. HE HAS WINGS AT HIS STRONGEST BC THE MOST DEFINING MOMENT OF HIS LIFE WAS FALLING OFF A CLIFF. HE'S ON TOP OF THE WORLD, THE HIGHEST HE'S EVER BEEN, BUT HE'S NEVER TRULY LEFT THE BOTTOM OF THAT CLIFF. HE'S ALONE UP THERE. HE'S A CONTROL FREAK WHOM YOU NEVER KNOW IF HE IS ACTUALLY FULLY IN CONTROL (IF AT ALL) IF YOU REALLY STOP TO THINK ABOUT IT. HE'S SOOO COMPLEX BUT WE'VE NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO DWELVE INTO THAT COMPLEXITY. HE'S A REALLY INTERESTING CHARACTER AND I DIE INSIDE WHEN THEY KEEP PUSHING HIM INTO THE "PURE EVIL" BOX WHEN EVEN WHEN HE MADE THOSE CHOICES HE STILL IS NOT!!! I FEEL LIKE AN INSANE PERSON WHEN I SAY THERE IS SMTH SO EXTREMELY COMPELLING ABOUT KAZUYA MISHIMA.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character

- hes still alive in the tekken:tmp timeline since jun successfully "saved" him, and while the familial situation isnt the best it could be, its still far better than you'd expect with jun and jin

- he doesnt even consider himself fully human anymore but hes truly at his core Just A Guy. take the morning coffee. collect shoes. eat boring food. hes a very plain guy and its hilarious. what does he even do all day, the role of a ceo is to make connections and relationships and hes a shadow ceo. he is so painfully A Man In His Fifties that if you remove the tekken context he could grill a mean steak I know this in my heart, what do japanese dads even do for a bbq equivalent.

- kazumi styled his hair Like That back in the day and so he will wear that hairstyle for life

one character i love seeing them interact with

Apparently in bruce's t6 ending, hes speaking to his superior(?) about a mission well done but it's said he's reporting directly to kazuya, so even if who hes talking to is speaking in english I have to wonder if it was meant to be kaz at one point. Anyway if it is I love the casualness of this interaction.

Also jin! people say theyre tired of the mishima focus but NOT ME bc those dudes only interacted ONCE until t8 finally drops. Anyway their hostility toward each other is sooo obviously fabricated bc if the writers REALLY wanted to get into it, this father&son relationship would be so much more complex than that. Also in the first project x zone, devil kazuya is a boss fight and at one point devil and kazuya are fighting for control and for one (1) second, jin sounds concerned for his dad in the way that he wont be able to kill him while kazuya is himself. fun stuff. Their more neutral interactions as a tag team in pxz2 are a lot of fun too, especially when they team up to tear verbally into heihachi. Anyway like everything about kaz, his relationship with his son isnt explored enough.

one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more

Harada For The Love Of God Don't Fuck Up Kazuya's Interactions With Jun In Tekken 8.

I want to see fucking flashbacks man, how did it fucking happen. They had to have exchanged AT LEAST a couple words before getting to jin's conception and I WANNA KNOW. ITS THE MOST MYSTERIOUS AND INTERESTING RELATIONSHIP IN TEKKEN.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character

I feel like. if you stripped kazuya and jun of status and general opposite moral stances, theyre very very similar. I will wait for official t8 confirmation oh what they thought of the other but I feel they are two side of a same coin. People usually speak of jun making kazuya better but I like the other side of kazuya making jun a bit worse. In a very indulgent way I often wonder what it wouldve been like if they tried at all to make it work long term and I dont think it wouldve been that bad, especially compared to how the previous main mishima relationship ended up.

[kamil-a]

bbl thots zoomed from my brain

ONE. i keep waiting for the explanation of the humancentricity of the backgrounds- CUPS WITH STRAWS. BUNK BEDS. **MICROSCOPES FOR HUMAN EYES**. esp when bird vs human society is such a big topic in game- even the birds who want to be free of humans still measure themselfs by human yardsticks.

-from osmosis ithought hitori and the teacher were in love. but they were the same person. and nageki's brother ;__; it was brotherly grief that hurt him actually....

-*******shuus actual real largest shakespearian fatal flaw is that he failed to consider that other birds aren't as thrilled about murder as he is******

-TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-he lost nageki that way and his whole project was a bust because ryouta didnt want to kill people!!!!

-haha shuu unrequited crush on ryuouta's dad

-they really only call his voice actors for mlm roles of some degree of eviltude huh

iwant to believe he was still into the killings even then. on the down low or something.

-ryouta and hiyoko rookie mistake wishing for a world where birds and humans 'dont fight' as oppose to 'live together in peace'. wish stories 101

-i think i was expecting much more of like.... a 'mystery' rather than 'a lot of twists thrown at me in rapid succession', but i would love to redo bbl and see if it is in fact 'solvable'. i hope so!!

-even if its solvable tho you have to admit its silly. i was expecting 'a silly game thats actually serious' but got 'a silly game thats actually silly in a different way'

-which isnt bad!!! just talking expectations vs reality

-so the doves party (pro human_) is willing to use humans unethically to power their robots and the hawk party (pro bird) is willing to create a situation where hundreds of bird students are huirt/killed to get the human killing bird out into their midst. politics is hell.

-with full full context shuu route is even funnier he didnt just risk the dome he risked the dome while THROWING OUT HIS EXPERIMENTAL SUBJECT HES WORKED ON FOR YEARS. cause she annoyed him into killling her. his other fatal flaw is choosing short term satisfaction over long term goals. risk it all.

-so lets get this straight. isa x ryuoutadad unrequited Feelings Of Some Kind (lets assume it was a crush) -> ryuoutadad dies -> hey if you see my kid [i was threatened.mp4 voice IF you see him like dont go out of your way] <- thats canon by the way that he was told not to go out of his way about it im p sure .

ANYWAY. IFFF you see my kid can you help him out with stuff -> just hoppin along down the street evilstyle when i see his kid and his bestie crying for the girl's dead parents -> oh ryuota is there anything i can do to fulfill a wish -> [FAILS WISHMAKING 101] ->

shuu searches for the deadliest disease -> nageki you will help me kill everybody -> he hates this -> kills himself -> hitori finds out -> changes name and becomes teacher to find the rest of nagekis body -> ryouta hows your tummy pretty good it doesnt seem -> turned into the charon carrier -> nagekis in ryoutas liver now -> i dont wanna murder people -> is ok i can brainwash u into wanting to murder people -> noo rly -> nageki brother has a shadow evil moment about it -> shuu lives and rejoins the gang as their evil gay uncle i hope -> also hiyoko's brain and ghost are there and she and ryouta are gonna explore alt timelines in their brains with alarming accuracy while they wait for things to get fixed.

i think.

[wildcardaces]

@ruby-static "thats not a name silly" edition!

Where oOF shawn thats not a name!

Quil: hey, since you asked to hang around with us until your bros better I'll introduce myself. Names quil!

Quil: and you are?

Shawn: ....not as straight as i thought i was

Quil: PfFT haha now thats a good one

Oh to say something so strange on your first introduction. Luckily shawns odd humour is cool with quil!

Anna: ok so tell me again, why dont you trust wedding planners?

Dot: they're money savages! Its literally cheaper for me to do the planning myself!

Anna: oh yeah that tracks.

Anna got an awnser from dan and now she gets the same awnser from dot. She is absolutely not surprised.

Suddenly miseki again! Help i cant stop drawing him

Terri: you got nowhere to go dragon!

Miseki: ....are you serious?

Miseki: i STUDY here.

Terri: wait- miseki!?

This is a good few years after miseki left the kingdom and ended up in the dragon lands. He discovered that he didnt really fit in with the dragons either so he ended up putting himself in a semi-exile. He also ends up studying at the beach lab where he ends up meeting terri again under..a less than ideal circumstance.

Miseki: Gael, Terri told me what king scorn is doing and plans to do. What are we going to do about it?

Gael: dad is just like that, i am not going to go against him. That was the one rule he gave me for me to stay.

Miseki: so you do know he isnt what he seems. We wont do this quest without you. We have to find more people to help us defeat scorn. Please brother?

Terri: yeah! Pleeeaaase??

Gael is just internally thinking "am i the only one who is sane here?" He caves and ends up joining miseki and terri.

And the finale!

"A friend of my son is a friend of mine!"

Gael: *literally growling*

Miseki: hi mom.

"My baby has grown to be such a big menace now!"

Ah yes. The two different reactions.

[vinteraltus]

Here are my thoughts during the dispatch fire episode because I had a lot of them and I missed the dispatch fam

Omg Claudette taking the credit for May's idea that bitch!!

Btw so glad that Albert ditched the mustache

Papa Bear Bobby ahhhh 😍

YES MAY STAND UP FOR YOURSELF 👏🏼

Calm down Josh he isnt that cute

TERRY NO

Damn Eddie's pose while holding the radio and the camera zooms in 🔥

Which writer had May say that she was being gen z??? I want to have words

EDDIE BACK IN THE TURNCOAT AHHHHH

Oh secret Claudette fire trauma, damn

"Today you're a guest in this house" HAHA Eddie loved saying that

Buddie teaming up again ❤❤❤

Don't you DARE KILL ALBERT and the same way Chim's best friend died too fuuuck

BOBBY!!! MAY!!!!!

Linda is an underrated character, I love her so much

"Wait, that's my dad." "You didn't have to lie." "I wasn't." 😭😭😭😭😭

Albert also an underrated character

Lucy and Taylor!!!!!! Taylor calling the 118 Buck's family and lowkey threatening her!!!! Ahhhhh!!

CLAUDETTE DIED??? I didn't like her but what the fuck???????

Jonah 👀

[romsabombs]

GUYS the new malevolent is insane so i just thought i'd drop my notes in here✍️ ENJOY it's a lot

freaky ahh cavern

😦😦😦

SHUT UP!!!!!!!!

the man is bathed in darkness👹 john thats racist

mf literally been crucified this is so arthurs religious trauma

that is not what bones sound like i think

shes so me awful posture

me at 4am in the kitchen looking for a snack

WAIT oh yuck :/

HAHA THEY'RE IN HIS NOSTRILS

PRINCE MENTIONED

car accident thats so season 1

this is kind of like a hat in time maybe

omgg a witch :3

arthur survives the wildest shit but i think a mcdonalds sprite would kill him

AAAHHH WHAT THE FUCK!!!!😨😨 YUCK YUCK EW EW RAAAHHH

WHAAAAAT

cant we only do allat to corpses

omg spit it out john

YEAAHHHH HES DEAD

🤭🤭🤭YIPPEE I KNEW IT

omggg thats so janey :33

hes bein puppeted by the maggots thats crazy

STOP TELLING HIM TO KILL THINGS HAHA

omgg kaynes dagger <33

how can this mf be helpful

this is so tmp a bit

rotten flesh mentioned minecraft ref

HAHA WHAAT THATS SO GROSS

the maggots be like i have your fucking eyes👹👹👹👹

OMG WHAT THE HELL zombie arc

claustrophobia again

imagine harlan recording this

omg that's so sexy 🔥🔥 decapitated his ass

HAHA WE'RE ONLY 11 MINUTES IN??

LMAO john stop saying things

YES JOHN it WOULD have been helpful to know this guy didnt have any eyes

"this isnt new york anymore" thank god amiright

his head between our legs🤨

its so funny how he calls it a pinky. didnt someone on tumblr say john wouldnt know finger names

im surprised arthur still has a shirt

the flesh feels stiff😟

this guy is still alive😦 or. dead. i guess

arthur is like weirdly normal about this guy being a zombie. i know hes seen shit (no he hasnt) but come on

faroes song ☹️

YEAHH PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTHH💪

oh what😐 the prince🙄

what did he sayy

oh gross come on guys😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨 at this point just put it in your own mouth

"id like to think this is the most insane thing we've ever done" 💀

teehee they dont wanna seperate :3

YEAH! AND FAROE

"everyone we've ever loved" weak. also john doesnt care about anyone but you

"we cant afford to not use every resource anymore" HAHA this is so funny because didnt you throw away everything youve ever owned last episode

yippee welcome back vanguard :3

nothing😟 WAIT YIPPEE :3

WELCOME BACK VANGUARD‼️☝️

omg names mentioned

wait. yorick? llorick? thats the thing arthur said

its not lorick that was the guy from the dreamlands

WOAH WAIT WOAH HUH

hey what the fuck did that mean😀

omg what. rumpelstiltskin

HAHA hes so loser

OMG wait they said stanzyck right

ofcourse anna is dead bruh we were never gonna meet her

arthur and john both being "kings"😟

this tooth is so silly🥰

everyones walking over arthur today💀

they're so miscommunication <3

hey😀 hey whats that sound

DONT SAY IT ugh the prince

"ahh yes :3"

OH😨😨😨😨 A WHAT

SHUT UP🗣️👹 HAHA THATS SO SILLY

this guy is so kayne. and a bit autistic

wait r we just carrying around this skull

bro arthur sounds so tired

ooo this would go hard as a cosplay

i cant believe he has a belt

EUGH YUCK😦

ooo the black stone perchance?

ok i guess not

omg god forbid a girl has hobbies🙄

"im not saying its not risky. what im saying is, it might be worth the risk" that line goes hard

arthur agreeing to this is like a dad saying "okay fine we'll go to mcdonalds🙄"

no reward without risk✊💥

"we're in the lion's den already" "it is a hag's womb👹" HEHEHE

HAHA SILLIES HEHEHEEHE🤭🥰

oooohh johnn 😶‍🌫️

OH 😦 ohhh 😀 u have his memories

clever girl

"thanks yorick😐" "you too my king🤗" "shut up🙄👹"

yorick is so me absolutely no sense of social cues

ofcourse we'd encounter a witch here it was so obvious

"try to keep straight" pff

did john say im serving

hey yeah maybe dont go towards the light😀

LMAO LOOK AROUND? foul

when is the jumpscare happening

i have no idea what he's saying

"too much to make out" MAKE OUT?🤭

LMAO he doesnt know

pregnant meat☹️⁉️

hey i thought asking the vanguard questions would have a price🤨😀

imagine if he just crushed that zombies skull like its a good thing we just decapitated him

hes literally describing my room

you're my eyes☹️

they're acting as if the lighter would give us much light

omgg shes a little interior decorator

tapestry lore!!💪

five minutes left whats gonna happen

wuh ohhh somethings gonna happen

THE STAIRS ARE GONE!!!😬

ur literally in her home leave her alone

his ass is panicking

this is so part 18 the madness

we're trapped :( :(

"ingenious decision king🤓" "SHUT UP👹"

SPRINT!!!!!! 🏃🏃🏃🏃

OH???? 😦😦😦😦 WHAT

IMPALED???M???MNFJREJSJ HUHH

--

omggg he got marcy'd

i saw fanart of this but i lowkey couldnt tell if it was a spoiler or not💀

hot take but if he got bitten by that zombie he could prolly survive this

HUHHH bro this is like part 27 the roots. he was less dramatic about it this time tho

bro yorick finally shut up💀

sooo where did he get impaled. like if in the heart hes cooked😬

[fkyumerica]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/-WowH0liGfE does she herd

facts about dalmations, oh my god get her to leave

did boy george/amber have the ugliest fucking wife inners and outers

he said it

is her whole body utters for him wtf

marilyn manson officially fucking did it

electrocuted us to steal mcdonalds

and enter in to fuck with his mom and elderly to steal all their money

and the worlds

henry ford is caught

went with 8 girls

then

he was 15

"new town panties"

dont let him surf

started skate boarding to knock out all their teeth

stupid right didnt know i did it

and to them i knocked out all their teeth, now first person they see they will attack and already dead haha i steal your wife

he is his own dad

and fucks his mom

to calm her down to leave

and gets her fat again

family orgies, smells like old people

and the old look is it too mom take off your wig

it will save you, now i wear it and hit old people

sky scraper

The Ride of the Rohirrim live in concert - The Return of the king Barcelona

jo just goes in there and shoots everyone

he pierced my ears and did my hair

that guy isnt the kurgan

he is heartless-kurgan

i dont care

do it

he wants gay old monster orcs to live

im not gonna let them live

each shit came on the ground

gum dots?

really

them?

i ride each of their horses to kill them after

cant run

anddd

we fuck her too

other side

drugs poltergeist cant get up

spirits hold them down

andd

what

they shit on me to give me armor

chariot

those guys were with gandolf the whole time

they burnt giant dads

tried to make their sons gay

i went in the castle and shot men off them

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9JR5-ZecCQ he locked us out of our trailers to smash them in half

he always tried to kill alden

showed up as the guitarist once for ac/dc

and i dunno he likes metallica gay right i'll leave him there

i'll let it happen too old ones rape him

pointed at that group instead and move them forward, burnt

but its anyone wild anyways

he would just lie

that guy would get attacked evveryday

the neighbor

it might be clifford

ow ow ow in trailer park boys

did they break my tooth of because of them

probably, small

wheres the dinosaur

what present are they taking and using already

to attaack

and kill, her instead

so we got a dinosaur win a fight

kill her too, say it twice they will send more again

From the shitposting community on Reddit: How to give a kid PTSD

jimhoslovat, meant here are some to mate too and mate your offspring too then they get it they say it

every fkng day i had to kill those people

there it is got that woman oregnant and 5 girls, kidnapped him, she's with him

body bag

kevin/mike/tony was his fake name then he was anthony tscolas and anthony hernandez

and what girls too posted it on my blog

and the video of the apartments they lived in

got two women

let him in when they were asleep

kids need a home stay the night then it happened, she already mated with their dad and hey two women they were stupid it was their wives

of their dads and they were old

looks like her

thanks for the video

what a hooker

points with his thumb hey come oveeer here

and was jeffery's dad

mike's

and

josh's

yea i can stick it in there

judge book

every morning

the website

conquer all

and the boy lives just to be a hooker GET ME OUTTA HERE

I can live there because I saw a car go from here to there and I know its my family living next to me

Shes dead? We’re gonna fuck her  to him to be alive CRAZY GREAT  BREEDING LOVe then him then him then him then him

Their moms got  boys since, Spanish didn’t have a boat to save them, France stole it for it, gay love

Only this group would know the answer to their family feud, that is the show, then they say it after

I FUCKING HATE THAT BITCH IM GONNA GO INSIDE AND FUCK HER, grandma is down the street

And why, cause shes got a gross cunt go fuck him he will clean it

Half English half irish I get it, and wait in the sky scraper for old people after, after she lives in it too wtf sit I n the lobby tired I got 4 houses, fred durst. Now he wont be mad at me walked over there he fucked deedee or wtf is not fucking her I got a trend black tshirt right no hats no we’re you, surprise your family with a pregnancy they wont care

I think he told it to that other boy or he was fucking her after, goes for that

I think you did chris, for them to go at me

Scottish army then she got a wedding too, make him look bigger or show up, pregnant by two boys and one guy, Barolo, wedding singer, anyones shit (son)

The wedding singer, fred durst after, or elvis from the wedding, gotta look at a egg nest after and see if I cry, no I left her too, old ladies kissing him he can come back and her mom ripped her face off now we got three in an army keep making them scream after then walk them up to other womens privates and talk to those women from the front we do it gay

mary sue had marilyn manson(switches charles manson in the court room so her son gets out it was keep switching one in to escape prison and a court trial fake judge throw it out what note)when she slept with that older man, same one

[star-mum]

Good morning babies <3 (“but it's literally the afternoon, Star” well nobody asked you, asshole) I got my breakie, I got my coffee, Spotify is blasting the FOB song of Sunny’s choice, lets fucking do this 😎

This is a fucking insane episode, it was really fucking good (it will be in my top 5 for season 4, I’m afraid) and also … WAS CYRUS PLAYED BY ARCHIE ANDREWS’ DAD ??????? MR ANDREWS ???? (i wanna say Fred Andrews ?)

Yes I know the actor, Luke Perry, was a lot more famous than that one character but I am 20 and that's the one thing I’ve seen him in (still he outsold in that fucking ep)

“You thought it would be an easy day. Maybe that was foolish on your part” well…. fucking duh, what did you expect when visiting a cult ? but also you’re me so I wont be too mean about it

“Benjamin Cyrus” OH YEAH ALSO, you’re gonna choose a new fake name for yourself and you go with BENJAMIN ??? Cyrus is cool as a first name, very cult-ish but Benjamin ??? LITTLE BENNY, THE CULT LEADER ???

“The rings.” YES !!! I fucking love this, fake dating ? NO, YOU FOOL MAKE MARRIAGE

“Make sure you put on the left hand.” …. As discreetly as possible Id wait for Spencer to put his ring on first to check which hand it is… im giFTED IN OTHER WAYS (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXrQA-x1cbU)

“Won’t Cyrus be even more angry if he finds out that it’s not true?” What is he gonna do? Demand to see the certificate?

“you didn’t find it surprising that Reid knew this fact right off the top of his head” little intermission cause I genuinely DON'T UNDERSTAND why everyone always seems so annoyed whenever Spencer either blurts out random facts or goes on full rants ? Like, yes timing isnt one of his strong suits but as long as it isnt a super innaproprieta time WHY ARE YOU ALL SO JADED ????? I love useless stupid rants, I love to be told random facts, it’d genuinely be so much fun to have someone around who just Knows Stuff

Like imagine not having a super great day (or even a terrible one) you can just go “hey Spence, know any facts that might cheer me up?” BOOM ! EVERYONE’S HAPPY !! Okay, sorry about that, intermission over. Everyone back to your seats

“So Spencer stepped up to introduce you” isn't Cyrus gonna question why we didnt take Reid’s last name ?

“Hearing him refer to you as his wife - you hated to say it, but it caused a jolt through your system” YEAH THAT CHECKS OUT 

“How far from God’s word must we have strayed for there to be a need to invent a job called ‘Child Victim Interview Expert’” YOU TELL US OR SHOULD YOUR CHILD BRIDES ????

“how much intense, feigned passion you said these words with” putting my entire pussy into this role, lets go gamers

“completely surprising yourself, you leaned in and kissed Spencer on the cheek” to sell the fantasy ONLY obviously 

“Benjamin Franklin” … imagine youre a cult leader and the fake name you pick for yourself is in honor of BENJAMIN FRANKLIN (idc that he’s founding father, that's just boring and uninspired)

“knowing that the two of you likely should have coordinated this story during the plane ride” KSKSKS WE WERE SO CONFIDENT ABOUT IT TOO “he wont find out” MA’AM 

“Has it been a godly union?” … what does That mean ?

“Your wife didn’t take your last name.” I just “Jim”ed a non-existent camera (am I just… unbeatable …?)

“Hotch had only come up with the fake marriage idea the day before” I wonder why this super carefully made plan’s gonna explode on our faces (haha explode, get it?)

“A few hours later, everything had gone to hell” welp :/

“it wasn’t very difficult to pretend to be Spencer’s wife then” 

“Which one of you is the FBI Agent?” can't we just put it on Nancy’s tab ? she’s already dead anyways :-: 

“What? You think I wouldn’t know if - if my wife was an FBI Agent?” very good point, angel <3

“and you couldn’t help when you let out a wounded cry” this is like the opposite we’d always have to as agents, no the more real emotion the better

“It must have been Nancy!” FUCK YEAH WE CAN !!!! 

“Perhaps I should strip you naked to ensure that you’re not wearing a wire.” I find comfort in knowing that his ass is getting blown up at the end of this : D

“Perhaps they didn’t see him as a threat” sksksk damn

“So I suggest you get that gun away from my wife before you and I truly have a problem.” I want him, biblically 

“Your arms clutched desperately at his waist, needing to keep a hold on him” the yEARNING THAT I'M FEELING THIS WHOLE SECTION !! ITS A TERRIBLE AND INDESCRIBABLE FEELING

“You couldn’t hold yourself back then. You surged up and kissed him” YEEAAAHHHHH !!!! LETS GOOOOO !!!! howEVER sksksk we’re gonna get so much fucking grief from Morgan and Prentiss over this “a cULT HOLDING YOU A GUN POINT ?? THAT'S WHAT IT TOOK?”

“After the mock poisoning, which Spencer figured out rather quickly” not important but my sister watched this episode with me and I also figured that out – before her or Spencer, so point for me on the scoreboard

“If we tell them that you’re pregnant” I FORGOT ABOUT THIS PART (oh boy if you thought the yearning was hard before)

“You had gotten married and had kids all in one day. What a miracle” KSKSKSK SUNNY 

“Your imaginary sperm is powerful, isn’t it?” KSKSKKSS

“Those were names he had lovingly chosen for your imaginary children” nothing like the fear of imminent death to bring out the embarrassing marriage!AU you have about you and your coworker

“You reached up and gently gripped his forearm in response, giving a light squeeze to show your approval. He leaned in and kissed the back of your head” dizzyingly is CORRECT cause I’m feeling light headed

Okay sorry, they’re acting so married and couple-y, I just had the vision of both of then getting back to where the rest of the team is still in that headspace and Hotch has to – after a long moment – ask for the rings back, cause they’re both still happily wearing them

“Hugo and Iris” I really wanna know the context for the name choices !! idk if this is something that Spencer mentioned further in the show or if there is a deeper meaning for you picking them, but I wanna know 

“but you had come up with some much better – You said that you have a nursery here?“ fake miscarriage … ? ooohhhh okay no that was stupid nvm (I’ll be humble and leave it in tho SKSKSKS)

“needing to care for children lest your womb shrivel up and you die” SKSKSKS the comedy in this one is just next level, these lines are killing me 

“Your plan worked flawlessly” never doubted myself for a second 🫥

““Where’s Reid?” Morgan easily asked you. “He’s still up at the church” Oh we’re kissing when he gets out, in front of everybody I can sense it (it’s my personal version of spidey senses, I can feel a good fanfic moment coming miles away)

“You had to tell yourself that Derek was going to get Spencer out” I mean… Derek also drove an explosive rigged ambulance to a self exploding space in like 2 minutes ?? there’s very little that man can't do

“you felt a sharp grip on your upper arm – L/N!” I always feel something akin to a tiny little baby static shock when my name’s just on shit (I always forget the extension is on)

“You’re so stupid, you’re so stupid! Why would you do that to me?” the most “Star” reaction of all time, thank you sm for this

“I love you too – The words flew from your lips so naturally it hurt” I can feel this in my bones and I don't know how to better explain it

“one of the most earth shattering kisses you had ever experienced” Spidey Senses, never wrong

“It was no longer a show” mA’AM– *deep breath* its okay, she’s still in denial, its fINE 

Love Me Love Me by the Travelling Kisses started playing (mind you I put on my Spotify likes, so 1132 songs on shuffle) and I felt genuine pain for how perfectly it fit

“you simply flipped Derek off over Spencer’s shoulder” KSKSKSKS IS THAT PHOTO !! I CANT FIND IT BUT YOU’VE SEEN IT !!! EVERYONES DRAWING THEIR FAV HOMOSEXUALS IN THAT POSE

“JJ handed Derek five dollars” Damn JJ “Derek handed the fiver to Emily when she reminded him that the ‘fake marriage’ bit had actually been her idea” OH MY GOD OF COURSE !!!!

“he fake rings were just cheap costume jewelry that Garcia had gotten and they would tarnish soon if you kept wearing them” and we will have green ring marks on our fingers, happily 

“I rewatched the canon episode and it doesn't 100% align with what happened in the episode in terms of the timeline and stuff” I literally just watched this weekend and I dont even remember much outside of the main plot points SKKSKSKS so I think it's absolutely fine

“I highly resisted the urge to end this with 'baby making' smut” which is both fair but also dear god it probably pained you to do so 

OKAY !!! I just absolutely loved this !!!! I love the cheesy and angsty moments, also really fun episode to write fic “onto”, we already talked about this but I would love nothing more than make Spencer a father and he’d be SUCH A GOOD HUSBAND AND DAD IT KILLS ME

I definitely not going to deny baby making smut if it comes my way but I also agree this being its own cute little thing is very good (I’d honestly be more interested in a pt 2 following more of their relationship, than focusing more on the smut – which surprises the both of us I Know)

The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes

Spencer Reid x BAU!Fem!Reader

Summary:

While undercover inside the Separatarian Sect, you and Spencer realize something important: you can't live without each other.

Spencer Reid x BAU!Fem!Reader. Co-Workers to Lovers. Fake Dating. Hurt and Comfort. Set during Season 4, Episode 3.

Word Count: 8,200

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Full list of warnings and author's notes below.

Warnings: Lots of spoilers for the canon episode - so if you haven't watched Season 4 of Criminal Minds yet, steer clear of this fic for now (especially because watching the episode provides some context for this fic/makes things make more sense); the reader uses she/her pronouns and has the ability to get pregnant (she is not pregnant during the fic and there's no smut, but due to discussions in the fic, it's not unreasonable that she could get pregnant); fake dating in the form of a fake marriage - the reader and Spencer pretend to be married under the Christian religion to 'appeal' to Cyrus; because of the fake marriage, Spencer uses the term 'my wife' to refer to the reader; lots of mentions of religion (Christianity), religious extremism, mentions of pedophilia/child brides (in line with the canon episode); mentions of systemic sexism and gender roles enforced by cultures of organised religion and religious extremism; use of y/n and l/n (in this case meaning 'your last name'); the reader pretends to follow the Christian religion while undercover but I never stated if she believes in a less extreme version of these things or not (the reader's true religious beliefs are never stated); protective!Spencer, possessive!Spencer; mentions of Spencer being taller than the reader (which, again, I think he would be taller than most people) - the reader's body/body type is not described in any other way; mentions of guns and gun violence (not described in deep detail) - in line with the canon episode; the reader and Spencer fear for their lives; dangerous/live-threatening situations; the reader and Spencer are threatened with a gun; Cyrus is just generally creepy and sexist toward the reader; Spencer is pistol-whipped and the reader is threatened with sexual assault (it does not happen, Spencer protects her); mentions of pregnancy/the reader being pregnant (she is not pregnant during the course of the fic); mentions of the reader being a mother/having kids (Spencer makes up fake kids to sell their fake marriage story); the reader realizes she might actually want to be a mother because of Spencer's fake kids story; mentions of an explosion (as in the canon); love confessions; angst with a happy ending. Hopefully that is everything.

A/N: The title for this fic comes from a Fall Out Boy song of the same name. The theme/lyrics of the song don't really fit the fic, but I love the way that this title fits - how everyone in this fic is lying in some way but Spencer is someone with good intentions while lying. Making him the Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes. I love how it fits. I wrote this while suffering with heat exhaustion so idk if it's good or even makes sense. I rewatched the canon episode and it doesn't 100% align with what happened in the episode in terms of the timeline and stuff, and I am too tired to rewrite the whole fic to make it align with the episode. So uh - alternative canon? But I really love the basic concepts and I do really love how it turned out. I hope you guys like it too!

...

You thought it would be an easy day. 

Maybe that was foolish on your part. So far, you hadn’t seen a single ‘easy’ day while working with the BAU. Between chasing down scumbags and then reliving every single gory detail while doing the paperwork - none of it was ‘easy’. It was worthy, accomplished work - making the world a safer place to live in. (At least that’s what you told yourself.) But it was never easy. 

There was always someone who made the job easier. Someone who made you smile every single day - especially on days when you didn’t think you were even capable of feeling a tiny shred of joy. Someone who made you feel safe, who you always felt had your back no matter what. So you were glad that he was by your side today, along for the ride. 

“Tell us about Cyrus.” Reid prompted. 

He looked to the woman driving, your new companion for the day - Nancy Lunde, someone who worked with the state department and had set up the interviews with the children at the Separatarian Sect. 

“Benjamin Cyrus. No criminal record. In fact, there’s no record of the guy at all.” Nancy explained. 

“That’s odd.” You commented. “Usually someone being accused of something like this would have some past offenses. Especially because it would give him a reason to move into isolation to continue the criminal pattern of behavior.” 

“Well, I couldn’t find anything on him.” Nancy shrugged. 

“What about the 9-1-1 call?” You asked. 

“A fifteen year old girl called in saying that a man was ‘laying with her’ and claimed it as ‘God’s will’. I believe the ‘he’ referred to is Cyrus.” Nancy explained. “The age fits with Jessica Evanson, but I’ve managed to negotiate interviews with all the children, just to be sure. It wasn’t easy.” 

“They’re incredibly weary of outsiders.” You commented. “Our boss warned you not to identify us as FBI, right?” 

Nancy nodded. “I got you some spare credentials, just in case.” 

She took one of her hands off the wheel and reached into her pocket.

“You’re going to be using your real names. You’re going in as Child Victim Interview Experts working with Child Protective Services. No association with the FBI.” Nancy explained, handing Reid your fake credentials. 

He nodded, inspecting the IDs before handing you yours where you were sitting in the backseat. 

“Oh, before I forget.” You noted, reaching into the pocket of your cardigan. “The rings.” 

You pulled out a small plastic bag that Hotch had given to you before you left. It was a bag containing a fake diamond ring in your size and a fake golden ‘wedding’ band for Spencer. 

Reid reached over the seat to grab his ring from you, and Nancy gave the two of you an odd look. 

“Rings?” She questioned. 

“Fake wedding bands.” You explained. 

“It was our Unit Chief’s idea.” Reid added on. “He believes that presenting us as a ‘godly’ married couple to Cyrus will make him more likely to open up to us. He’s less likely to see us as hostile outsiders if he believes that we share a similar system of beliefs.” 

“It could also have a calming effect on the teenagers we have to interview or the kids there who have had more time to go through indoctrination at the Sect.” You continued to explain. “Even if their parents are hesitant to let the kids speak with us, they may be more willing to have their child speak with us or even leave them alone with us if they believe that we’re fellow Christians, rather than hostile atheists there to poison their children’s minds.” 

Reid nodded at you through the rearview mirror. 

“Make sure you put on the left hand.” He told you. “That’s the position for marriage.” 

You nodded at this. 

You placed the ring in the appropriate position, and you couldn’t help but to take a moment and stare at it. It was jarring to have a wedding ring on - especially with the thought that it represented you being married to Spencer. But you supposed, of all the people to call your husband, he would be one of the best. He was honest, intelligent, kind, and… if you were pressed, you would definitely say he was handsome. 

But you couldn’t get too caught up thinking about all of that. Because it wasn’t real. It was a false projection you were wearing for the benefit of a self inflated sociopath. 

Spencer liked the feeling of the ring. He didn’t take too long to stare at it after he had put it on, because he knew his mind would wander if he did. When Hotch had first proposed the idea of the two of you pretending to be married, Spencer had almost tripped over himself to oppose it - mostly because he didn’t think that he would be able to handle simply pretending to be your husband for the day. It was just too cruel. 

Having something he wanted so badly dangled right in front of him and knowing that it was all just a farce - it bothered him, but he delighted in the play nonetheless. 

When he caught the fake gold glinting in the light, Spencer had to remind himself that it was fake - that you would just be playing his wife for the day. He had to push back any internal glee that he felt at the idea that he got to be ‘taken’ by you while wearing that ring. It wasn’t real. It was just for the day. 

“Isn’t that deceptive?” Nancy asked. “Won’t Cyrus be even more angry if he finds out that it’s not true?” 

“He won’t find out.” You replied confidently. “And besides, we use deception in interrogations all the time. It’s a very basic tactic: align yourself with the suspect. Make them think you share the same beliefs, that you’re on their side.” 

Reid grinned at this. He always loved it when you spoke so confidently. 

… 

“We’re looking for Mr. Benjamin Cyrus.” Nancy announced as the three of you got out of the car. 

“Then you’ve found him.” Cyrus announced confidently. 

He was pretty much what you had expected him to be - dressed informally, slouched over, faking meekness, holding a bible near his chest as though it were a shield. He had planted himself there purposefully, wanting to be the first person to interact with the outsiders as three of you came into the Ranch. 

You hovered back near Spencer, letting Nancy make the first introduction. 

“I’m Nancy Lunde.” She said, giving a small nod toward the man. “We spoke on the phone regarding the allegation.” 

“‘Savages they call us, because our manners differ from theirs.’” Cyrus rhymed off a quote, obviously positioning himself and his group as martyrs being attacked for having ‘different ways’ that the world simply didn’t understand. 

“We didn’t come here to hear you cite scripture, Mr. Cyrus.” Nancy reminded him, hoping to keep the religious zealot on track. 

“Actually, it’s Benjamin Franklin.” Reid corrected her, talking about the quote. 

That did surprise you, but you didn’t find it surprising that Reid knew this fact right off the top of his head. It was just one of the many amazing things about him - his perfect memory and his ability to use it. 

Of course, him saying this immediately drew Cyrus’ attention toward the two of you. So Spencer stepped up to introduce you. 

“Hello, I’m Spencer Reid, and this is my wife, Y/N L/N.” He said motioning toward himself and then to you as he introduced the two of you. Hearing him refer to you as his wife - you hated to say it, but it caused a jolt through your system. Almost as if you had been waiting forever to hear him say those words and hadn’t even known it yourself. “We’re Child Victim Interview Experts, here on behalf of Child Protective Services.” 

Of course, you couldn’t get too caught up in deciphering how those words made you feel, because you had to focus on the task at hand. The job that you were here to do. 

“How far from God’s word must we have strayed for there to be a need to invent a job called ‘Child Victim Interview Expert’.” Cyrus said, his tone even, quiet. 

You knew that covertly, it was his way of saying that the two of you didn’t belong there, because he ran the Ranch with God’s word, so nobody had actually been harmed (in his opinion). He believed that he had done nothing wrong. Obviously, he thought your time and resources were better spent with ‘actual’ victims who didn’t have his power wielded over their lives. 

“I can assure you, Mr. Cyrus, we try to bring God into our work.” You told him, trying to appeal to him. “The children we visit usually need prayer and God’s light the most.” 

Spencer gave you a sideways glance, clearly holding back a grin at how thick you were pouring it on - how much intense, feigned passion you said these words with. 

“Well, I can assure you that a lack of prayer and God’s light is certainly not an issue for the children here.” Cyrus said, giving you a clever little grin. He thought that you would simply interview the children, praise him for what a good job he had done, and then leave. “You can go and see the children whenever you like. They are up at the school, as I indicated in our phone call.” 

Nancy walked toward the school, and you paused before you followed. 

Before you walked off, you looked to Spencer. In a completely silent conversation that only worked so well because the two of you had been in so many tense situations before, thinking around UnSubs and planning miles around them before they could even know it, he gave you a small nod and you instantly knew what it meant. He had established a small bit of trust with Cyrus, so he would stick back and see what else he could get out of the man. 

You nodded back, and then - completely surprising yourself, you leaned in and kissed Spencer on the cheek. You were just playing the part, you told yourself. It’s not that it felt entirely instinctive to say goodbye to him with some kind of affection, like the many hugs you had given him before. It’s not that you felt so entirely scrutinized with Cryus’ piercing eyes on you, and you needed the anchor of Spencer’s touch. 

You were just playing the part. 

Spencer tried not to get caught on being kissed on the cheek like he was some blushing virgin, and instead, focused his attention back on Cyrus instead of watching you walk away. (Even though every single one of his instincts told him that he needed to keep a more careful eye on you because you both had to leave your guns in the car.) 

He took a step closer to where Cyrus was leaning on the concrete, and easily picked a topic of conversation. 

“Solar panels.” Reid said, motioning to the large devices sitting behind Cyrus on the grass. 

“Yes.” Cyrus nodded. “We’re completely self-sufficient here. Food, electricity, water. Benjamin Franklin said ‘God helps those who help themselves’.” He explained. “You look surprised.” 

“No, uh, impressed, actually.” Reid easily lied, trying to appeal to his ego. 

“Thank you.” Cyrus said. “Most men wouldn’t admit that.” 

“Well, I suppose that I’m not like most men.” Reid shrugged in return. 

“How long have you been married?” Cyrus asked, motioning toward Reid’s ‘wedding ring’. 

Reid panicked slightly, knowing that the two of you likely should have coordinated this story during the plane ride to Colorado so that your answers to these simple questions wouldn’t be different. But he just made up an answer and hoped that nobody else would ask you the same question and find out the deception. 

“Three years.” He said. “I’ve been very blessed.” 

He used the language purposefully, knowing that the simple phrase could get him on Cyrus’ good side. That, and he hoped it would draw the attention away from any possible signs of his blatant lie. 

“Your wife is very beautiful.” Cyrus commented. 

He gave a wicked smirk as he said this. It was a simple, fairly ‘innocent’ comment, but it was immediately off-putting to Spencer. It took everything in his body not to glare daggers at Cyrus or throw out some protective comment in return. He could only imagine what was going through Cyrus’ mind as he thought about you, and he hated even imagining it. 

Reid knew that it was a basic logical good, the instinct to protect you because you were his partner on this case and he was supposed to have your back. But it was also something more. Something in every fiber of his being that screamed you were his and no man should ever be thinking of you that way except for him. 

“Has it been a godly union?” 

He was lucky when Cyrus spoke again and distracted him from his mounting rage. 

“We try to be as godly as we can be.” Spencer took the simple, diplomatic answer. 

“Your wife didn’t take your last name.” Cyrus pointed out. 

Nancy had used your name on your false credentials because Hotch had only come up with the fake marriage idea the day before. There hadn’t been time to inform her about it and have ‘Reid’ put on your ID as your ‘married’ name. So he had introduced you by your name to keep everything consistent with the reuse. 

It did make Spencer wonder if you would keep your last name if the two of you ever did get married. It made him almost dizzy, thinking about you as ‘Mrs Reid’. Thinking about your kids having his name. Or your name, if that’s what you wanted. 

But naturally, he pushed past all those thoughts and formed an excuse. 

“Typically, married women aren’t very well perceived in our line of work.” He quickly excused. “She doesn’t even get to wear her ring that often. She couldn’t change her name on paperwork at our office because a working married woman… it’s heavily frowned upon.” 

“Well, I’d have to agree.” Cyrus grunted. “A woman shouldn’t be out working. A woman should be at home raising a family.” 

“I - I suppose you’re right.” Reid agreed through gritted teeth. 

He walked away toward the school before he got too angry again. 

… 

A few hours later, everything had gone to hell. 

Some authority - the police, the military, you didn’t even know - had charged into the Ranch shooting. In response, Cyrus and his followers had come into the school toting large semi-automatics asking you and Spencer if you knew about a raid. 

You didn’t. You wish you had known about a raid. You would have warned Hotch and gotten them to call it off. You certainly would not have been there while it was happening. 

When they had pointed those guns in your face and forced you into the tunnels - it wasn’t very difficult to pretend to be Spencer’s wife then. Cowering in the bunker, confused and scared, you flung your arms around his waist almost instinctively, and he buried his nose in the top of your hair as he wrapped his arms around your shoulders like a shield, promising you that everything was going to be okay. 

Whispered to you like that, coming from him - it was almost easier to believe. Even with the chaos going on around you and the fear pumping through you in response. 

Nancy had run off trying to get them to surrender and did not come back. You had a feeling that you knew what that meant. 

And now, with the kids from the school ‘evacuated’ into the church, you were being held in the cellar at gunpoint. They had forcefully separated you and Spencer, making you sit in chairs at opposite sides of the room.

Spencer was fidgeting. His eyes kept flickering from the door, to you, to the man standing beside you holding the very large gun. 

You knew that you had ugly tear tracks down your face, and oddly enough - you wanted nothing more than to be back in his arms. As you were forced to sit there, just a few feet across the room away from him - you ached for it. 

There was a very large possibility that you were going to die today. And you selfishly needed the comfort of being in the arms of someone familiar - someone safe. Someone you knew would never hurt you. Someone who had made you laugh with dumb science jokes and puns for the last five years that you had worked together with him. 

When Cyrus charged back into the room with two men flanking his sides, you and Spencer stiffened up once again. 

“God will forgive me for what I’m about to do.” Cyrus announced to the room, presenting a handgun from his belt. 

Your insides quaked, and Spencer’s eyes grew wide. 

You couldn’t contain the fearful whimper that erupted from the back of your throat when he raised that gun and placed it near the middle of Spencer’s forehead. You clasped a hand tightly over your mouth to keep yourself from crying out in protest, knowing that would only make things worse. 

“Which one of you is the FBI Agent?” Cyrus asked firmly. 

Which ‘one’? 

So he knew that you were undercover, that you had lied about your job titles - but he thought that only one of you had done so. Where the hell was he getting his information? 

“I - I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Spencer told him quietly, looking him in the eye the entire time. 

You hoped that his stutter could be passed off as nervousness from the gun being pointed in his face, and wouldn’t be pointed to as deception. 

“Which one of you is it?” Cyrus pressed. 

“We are not FBI Agents.” Spencer said, more confidently this time. “We are Child Victim Interview Experts. We were only sent here to ensure the wellbeing of the children. Nothing more, nothing less.” 

Well, that last part wasn’t a lie. 

“You’re lying.” Cyrus told him, entirely confident in this. “God expells those who lie, devils in sheep’s clothing.” 

There was a tense moment, and then Cyrus cocked the gun. 

Spencer didn’t flinch. You resisted the urge to scream. 

“Proverbs 12:22 says: ‘The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.’” Cyrus said, actually citing scripture this time. 

He was giving Spencer one last chance to tell the truth. As if using the bible verse to say that his punishment would be lesser if he simply told the truth now. 

Spencer didn’t take the bait. 

“I’m not lying.” Spencer said firmly. “What? You think I wouldn’t know if - if my wife was an FBI Agent? This is the woman I wake up next to every single morning, the woman I go to sleep next to every single night, we work together every single day, we-” 

Cyrus interrupted Spencer’s ranting with a sharp hit to the face, pistol whipping him across the cheek. 

This caused Spencer to go flying off the chair, and you couldn’t help when you let out a wounded cry. It took everything in you not to jump out of your own chair and rush to Spencer where he had collapsed onto the ground, clutching his cheek. 

“Someone is going to tell me the truth.” Cyrus said gruffly. 

“It must have been Nancy!” You said, the idea finally popping into your head. 

You seemed to be more clever with the pressure of Spencer’s life being threatened. Cyrus stared you down, turning his attention fully toward you now. You caught Spencer’s eye for a moment and he gave you a small nod - as if to say ‘yes, keep going with that’. 

“The woman we came in with! Nancy!” You reasoned, continuing to point the finger at the woman you had to assume was dead. “We - we just met her today. Our boss introduced us to her, but we had never met before that. If she was FBI, we had no clue. We swear.” 

Cyrus turned to you then, and tightly pressed the barrel of his gun into your forehead. You could feel the imprint of it so tight in your skin that it hurt, and you could only lean away so far before threatening to knock the chair backwards. 

“It’s very convenient to pin this crime on someone who isn’t here.” He grunted at you. 

“It’s the truth.” You sniffled out quietly. 

“Hmm.” Cyrus hummed thoughtfully, and then, much to your surprise, he removed the gun barrel from your forehead. 

You barely had a moment to breathe in relief before he began skimming the gun down your neck, touching the metal whisper-gentle across your bare skin - clearly taunting you. It was something that made your whole body stiff with alarm, and caused Spencer’s eyes to go wide once again.

“Perhaps I should strip you naked to ensure that you’re not wearing a wire.” Cyrus said, teasing the gun along the buttons at the front of your cardigan. 

You held back a sob at the thought of it - at the idea that he could make you do almost anything for the fear of you being shot. Truthfully, you were more afraid of what he might do to Spencer if you didn’t comply, but it was all the same in your mind now. His life was just as valuable as yours, and you would do whatever it took to protect him.

Before Cyrus could take these threats any further, a heroic voice intervened. 

“That’s enough!” Spencer yelled. 

He gathered himself off the floor and oddly enough, none of the men moved to stop him as he came to stand beside Cyrus. Perhaps they didn’t see him as a threat. Perhaps it was because Cyrus didn’t bark any orders at them to stop him. He was entirely unflinching, keeping his focus on you and keeping his gun held between your breasts as Spencer crowded into his personal space, trying to press himself between you and the awful man. 

“We’ve told you everything that we know.” Spencer told him lowly, his voice heaving with well controlled anger. It was something that you had rarely ever heard from him. 

Cyrus kept his eyes locked on you, so Spencer continued. 

“We don’t know anything about the FBI - we have a simple job advocating for children who have been abused. That is it. We came here to investigate a most likely false claim against someone in your community and we truly didn’t mean to get caught up in all of this.” He said firmly, clearly trying to appeal to Cyrus. “So I suggest you get that gun away from my wife before you and I truly have a problem.” 

Spencer’s voice was dark, so thick with rage. More pent up rage than you had ever heard from him when he was talking to any suspect, people who had done the worst of the worst. Something about Cyrus threatening you had truly boiled his insides. 

The way he said the words ‘my wife’ - growling it out like he was a feral animal and this threat to you had activated every single one of his protective instincts. Hearing it made something inside of you yearn for him on such a deep level that you didn’t know was possible. You wanted to feel that kind of protection cast over you every single day. It made you feel invincible, having Spencer watch over you like that. 

Cyrus lowered the gun then, and Spencer grabbed your arm as you dissolved into hysterical tears. Instinctively, he lifted you up into his arms. You thought that you heard Cyrus mumble out ‘my apologies’ as he left the room - but he was barely on your radar. Your entire world became narrowed down to nothing but Spencer, your safety net as he built a wall of protection around you. 

He used his height to block you from seeing anything but him, letting you push your face into his chest as you cried. He wrapped you in his arms once again, letting you feel truly safe for a few moments as you sobbed into the fabric of his sweater. Your arms clutched desperately at his waist, needing to keep a hold on him - needing to ensure that he didn’t leave you. 

“Hey, shh. Shh. It’s okay.” He said, leaving gentle kisses on the top of your forehead and your hair, rubbing across your back with one hand, comforting you in the only way he could in those moments. “It’s gonna be okay.” 

Of course, he wanted to break down too. But he had to be strong for you. 

“Spencer,” You called his name in an utterly wounded voice, pulling away from his chest to look up at him. 

When you saw his injury up close - a sharp, purple-red bruise that was blooming across his cheek, it looked so utterly painful. Your insides ached at the thought that he had taken a blow for you. You hated to imagine what more they could have done to him if they had not believed your lies. 

You instinctively reached a hand up to touch it and he caught your fingers halfway, instead, gently grasping your hand and laying it on his chest. The intimacy felt so oddly rehearsed - so worn in, so ‘normal’. It felt like you had been married to Spencer for years. Like it wasn’t a play at all. 

Your two souls had been calling out to each other for years, just waiting for the dam to break. But you couldn’t quite put it into words - not like that. 

“It’s okay.” He said quietly, knowing you were horrified by the injury. 

He was so gentle, so comforting, so calm. Everything the men pointing guns at you were not. Unlike Cyrus - Spencer Reid was a true blessing from God. 

You couldn’t hold yourself back then. 

You surged up and kissed him, fully embracing his mouth with yours in a kiss. Though it was so sudden, it was something he easily returned. The kiss so full of urgency, so needy, so passionate. Like he was trying to tell you that it was okay, that he would protect you no matter what. 

He would protect you because you belonged to him. 

In those moments, the two of you were basically alone. One of Cryus’ men was guarding the door, watching on boredly. But Cyrus was off in the church, funneling people in to prepare for his ‘loyalty’ test. It didn’t matter if he saw you kissing or not - it wouldn’t have sold the reuse of you being married any better. 

This was just for the two of you. This was comfort. 

When you pulled back from the kiss, Spencer looked stunned, almost as if he couldn’t believe what had happened. You didn’t give him time to question it. 

“Thank you.” You said quietly. 

It was twofold:

Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for giving me comfort. 

Spencer didn’t have too much time to marinate in the meaning of the kiss before Cyrus’ men came back and fetched the two of you, wanting you to observe the loyalty test. 

… 

After the mock poisoning (which Spencer figured out rather quickly, making you admire his cleverness once again), Cyrus kept you and Spencer in the church with a few of his closest, most loyal followers while all of the low level followers dispersed back to their homes. 

You and Spencer were lingering in the back quietly while Cyrus was on the other end of the room, talking to his men about how to proceed. The plans for their ‘final stand’. 

“We need to get some kind of signal to the others.” Spencer whispered quietly. “Maybe they’ll take pity on you and let you go if-” He swallowed sharply, cutting himself off abruptly. Oddly enough, he didn’t want to voice whatever was on his mind. 

“If what?” You probed. You wondered what the hell you could possibly be thinking. 

“If we tell them that you’re pregnant.” He said, whispering so lowly that you almost didn’t catch the words. 

You rolled your eyes sharply at this. 

You had gotten married and had kids all in one day. What a miracle. 

(In those moments, clouded by fear, you couldn’t see it for what it truly was - Spencer blatantly revealing his unconscious desires to have a baby with you.) 

“We could convince them to release you. As a show of good faith. A pregnancy would be good leverage in that. You know how religious people are about fetuses-” Spencer reasoned. 

“Yeah, and what if they give me a test?” You probed, punching a large hole in his logic. “We don’t know what kind of infirmary they have here. They obviously believe in modern technology. What if they want to give me an ultrasound to check on the fetus after the stress of the day? To prove that they did no harm to the precious unborn child,” 

Spencer was easily caught on this point. If they examined you and found that you weren’t pregnant, all the lies would fall apart. 

“Well… what if we tell them that you have a baby at home that you need to get back to?” Spencer reasoned, jumping to the next logical conclusion in his mind. “It’ll likely garner the same level of pity.” 

“Your imaginary sperm is powerful, isn’t it?” You whispered back sharply. Spencer rolled his eyes this time. But he didn’t redact the plan as unreasonable, so you continued on. “Okay, what do I even do when I get out there? I’m not gonna be of any use to the tactical team. We don’t know what Cyrus’ final play is yet.” 

Truthfully, you couldn’t bear to be separated from Spencer. Knowing that he was inside, potentially being beaten up more, potentially being shot and bleeding out from a wound without you knowing - it would kill you with stress. You need to be by his side. You needed to know that he was okay. 

“Has God blessed your union with any children?” Cyrus appeared behind you suddenly. 

You wondered if he had heard you say the word ‘pregnancy’ or if this was just a random topic that had come up in his mind. 

His sudden appearance behind you caused you to whip around and crowd into the comfort of Spencer’s arms again because you were frightened. Naturally, Spencer wrapped his sheltering touch around your shoulders. Your back was gently pressed into Spencer’s front, his arm shielding you protectively as it was wrapped around your chest, holding you with his hand on one of your shoulders, unconsciously stroking his thumb across the fabric of your cardigan. The position had you both facing Cyrus, watching the fan in an offensive way. 

And of course, Spencer didn’t miss a beat. 

“Yes.” Spencer answered easily. “We have two kids at home. A boy and a girl. Iris and Hugo. Iris is almost three years old and Hugo is eleven months. His first birthday is coming up in June.” 

You knew that Spencer could be very good at talking off a suspect’s ear under pressure, but when you heard him rattle off these ‘facts’ so easily, it hit you. 

This wasn’t simply statistics or physiological knowledge - this was a very elaborate backstory for your supposedly real marriage. Perhaps he had thought about all of it on the car ride up (which was odd not to share it with you, in case Cyrus asked you a similar question and your answer didn’t match up with Spencer’s). 

But if you weren’t mistaken, this wasn’t simply a backstory for your fake marriage during the undercover mission. This was a fantasy of his. Those were names he had lovingly chosen for your imaginary children - kids he had dreamed up in his head and wanted to be real. 

Your heart ached at the thought of it. You found yourself missing a set of children that weren’t even real. (And distantly, wanting to jump his bones to make it a reality.)

“Tell me, Mr. Reid, would you find it so shameful for your daughter to marry young?” Cyrus asked. 

You found it odd to hear Cyrus call Spencer ‘Mr. Reid’, but you realized that he hadn’t introduced himself as ‘Doctor’ in this setting. You held your tongue when you felt the need to correct him as you had so many other people, wanting Spencer to receive his proper title. 

Your mind almost couldn’t focus on the question that Cyrus had asked. Of course, he was trying to get Spencer to stroke his ego once again. Basically admitting that the whole reason the two of you had come here was true - he was being vastly inappropriate with a young member of the church, and getting away with it. And he saw nothing wrong with it. 

And he was trying to get an outsider to admit that he saw nothing wrong with it too. 

When there was a moment of silence - Reid obviously torn on how to answer the question, Cyrus continued. 

“Is there really something so wrong with a blooming young woman marrying a man who will protect her under God’s laws?” He probed, his voice so entirely confident. Clearly confident that he was right. 

“Well, I’m not sure if I would let my daughter get married so young.” Reid said, finally speaking up. “I just know that I would want her to marry a man that would protect her, and be the best possible fit for her. Someone who would cherish her and be good to her no matter what.” 

His answer made you swoon. You reached up and gently gripped his forearm in response, giving a light squeeze to show your approval. He leaned in and kissed the back of your head - dizzyingly, you were imagining him walking your imaginary daughter down the aisle before you had even gotten married yourself. 

Maybe it was being so close to death, being threatened in such dangerous territory that was causing your life to accelerate at light speed in your mind. If you were going to lose everything, you might as well enjoy the escapism of a fake life with a beautiful man in your mind instead of being stuck on the heart pounding terror of being held hostage, right? 

Surprisingly, his words drew a smile from Cyrus. 

“You’re a protective father, aren’t you?” Cyrus asked. 

“Of course.” Reid confirmed. 

“I can always admire that in a man.” Cyrus nodded. “A man should always pride himself on protecting his family.” 

There was another moment of pause, and you were hoping that the topic had been dropped completely. 

“Do you have a picture of your children with you?” Cyrus asked. 

You wondered if - in a different version of reality, where you and Spencer really were married, where Hugo and Iris really did exist - if you had a picture of them in your pocket, would Cyrus only be asking this so he could use the picture to taunt the two of you? What other purpose would he have for knowing what your children looked like? 

“Unfortunately, no.” You answered. “I keep my family pictures on my desk. In my office. We - we’ve just been praying to get back to them safely.” 

Cyrus seemed perturbed at you mentioning that you had an office. Something dark flickered over his features for a moment and then disappeared. 

“Well… if it is right, God will grant you that safe passage.” Cyrus said. 

Just when you truly thought the conversation was done, he said something to you that entirely grinded under your skin. 

“I find it entirely odd that a mother of two young children spends her days working a job where she takes care of other people’s children, rather than staying at home with her own youngins where she belongs.” 

He said, using that same entirely confident, righteous tone that he always did. Even though you were not really a working mother, you had a hard time not boiling with anger at the sexism ripe in his statement. 

“How much must you be missing of your sweet angels lives to instead partake in the horrors of devils you shouldn’t have to witness.” 

Of course. 

You had a hard time not rolling your eyes at this or saying something harsh that would set him off. Instead, you reached up to Spencer’s arm around your shoulder, squeezing his fingers, trying to keep your patience.

“I’ll have you know that Y/N is an amazing mother.” Spencer piped up, knowing that Cyrus respected him enough as a man that he wouldn’t beat him simply for speaking up. “Her nurturing and caring makes her infinitely better at her job.” 

Again, you knew that there was so much personal truth in Spencer’s words. He thought that you would make an amazing mother to his children - at least theoretically. He was entirely firm in that conviction. And he thought that your natural caring made you amazing at the job you did as a Profiler. He knew this from the quality of work he witnessed you doing every single day. 

You didn’t know it - but it was just one of the many things that had caused him to fall in love with you. 

Oddly enough, Cyrus’ words prodded at something deep inside of you. It made you imagine a life for yourself where you weren’t spending your days witnessing horrors from unspeakable devils - but instead, at home, looking out for Spencer’s imaginary children. 

You would have said it was the fear of the day, clouding your mind. But maybe it was the clarity of being so close to death that made you realize what - and who - you truly wanted out of life. 

… 

Hours later, after some of the hostages had been released (the ‘non-believers’ who had failed the loyalty test), Cyrus had requested that some food be sent up. Spencer gave you a sharp look when he saw the message written on one of the takeout lids. 

The team would be storming in to end the hold-out at 3am. You had to somehow ensure the safety of the hostages by then. 

Obviously, the fake pregnancy idea was still warping through Spencer’s mind, but you had come up with some much better. 

“Cyrus,” You called out his name gently, getting his attention. “You said that you have a nursery here?” 

It had come up, during his long winded bragging about how perfect the Ranch was. Something about how mothers didn’t have to raise their children alone. The children were raised as more of a ‘group effort’ and women took ‘shifts’ in the nursery, allowing the women to rest or get chores done in the interim. 

“Yes, we do.” He nodded. 

Spencer stared at you with his jaw set, wondering what you were doing but not daring to speak. 

“I - I’ve been missing my children dearly. I was wondering if I could go to your nursery and see if they need any help? It would do my soul good to be around young ones right now. After all the commotion of these days.” You spoke meekly, trying to play the part of the shaken up, dainty woman well. 

Which was too difficult, seeing as you were playing up the fear you had already experienced. 

He grinned. It was a rather menacing smile, and you tried your hardest not to show any further fear, or disgust. 

“That sounds like a splendid idea.” He nodded. “Christopher, why don’t you escort her down to the nursery and then come back? We need you here for our final preparations.” 

You were finally falling to those gender roles that he had been pushing on you since you had arrived. He didn’t suspect a thing. He simply thought that you were a God fearing woman falling to your natural womanly instincts, needing to care for children lest your womb shrivel up and you die. 

Spencer rose from his seat and Cyrus stopped him. 

“Just your wife.” He said, putting a hand in front of Spencer’s chest to stop him. “There are still some things you and I need to discuss. Man to man.” 

You went over to Spencer and didn’t hesitate to plant a kiss firmly on his mouth, which he returned with vigor. This one lasted only a moment - it was something precious for the two of you. You didn’t need to put on some pointed show for the men in the room. 

“It’s okay.” You told Spencer quietly, brushing your fingers gently over his uninjured cheek. 

You could tell that he was dying to ask you what your plan was. But he kept the words trapped in his throat, unable to speak in front of the many temperamental villains lurking about. 

“Come on.” Christopher grunted. 

Spencer gave you a longing look as you left. He didn’t want to think it, but as he watched your figure retreat out the door, he feared that it would be the last time he ever saw you. 

… 

Your plan worked flawlessly. 

Getting to the nursery meant that you had unsupervised access to the women and children, especially away from Cyrus’ prying ears. Because you were a ‘delicate’ woman, nobody suspected you of having ulterior motives. You easily found a crack in Kathy, Jessica’s mother. You spotted her as the one who had made the original 9-1-1 call, wanting to get her daughter away from Cyrus. You convinced her to help you get everyone out, and you felt intense relief when you were met with a familiar face in the cellar as everyone escaped through the tunnels. 

“Where’s Reid?” Morgan easily asked you, glancing behind your shoulder as if waiting for him to appear. 

“He’s still up at the church.” You told him. “I had to separate off to help get the women and children out-” 

“Go on, we have to get you out!” Morgan urged, trying to gently usher you along. 

“We have to go get Reid!” You argued, trying to turn around. 

“Go, go on, I’ll go get Reid!” He told you. 

You were about to argue back, but you were cut off by a scuffle behind you. 

Jessica was yelling about Cyrus - how her mother had betrayed her, tricked her. 

Morgan pushed Kathy toward you and ran off screaming for Jessica. You took Kathy’s arm, gently convincing her that everything was going to be okay as you guided her the rest of the way out. You had to focus on this, convincing yourself that everything was going to be okay. You had to tell yourself that Derek was going to get Spencer out - that they were both going to be okay. 

When you got outside, you were hyper focused on marching away, taking a path away from the church as directed by the officers in charge. You froze in your tracks when you heard it - an earth shattering boom. The ground beneath your feet shook. You felt a puff of hot air swell to touch your back. 

You let go of Kathy’s arm and whipped around, and you couldn’t even pay attention to where she went. You almost thought you heard her weeping, but your mind couldn’t process it as your eyes were glossed in bright orange flame. 

It was the church. 

“Spencer?” You gasped quietly. “Spencer!” 

You couldn’t help it, but you began to run toward it. Your feet carried you faster than you could think, and before you got more than a few feet across the ground, you felt a sharp grip on your upper arm. 

“L/N!” 

Hotch’s voice, sounding far too distant for the position he held right behind you, viciously gripping onto you as you fought against him, trying to get toward the fire - trying to get to Spencer. 

“Hey! Hey! Stop it!” Hotch tried to order you around, tried to get you to stand down. 

He got a hand around your waist, and you continued to kick like a wild horse, fighting against his grip as hot tears poured down your face. 

“He’s in there!” You sobbed. “Spencer is still in there.” 

“Calm. Down.” Hotch ordered sharply. 

You collapsed back into him sobbing, all of the fight leaving your muscles at once. You couldn’t fake the reality in front of you. 

“You running in there and getting hurt isn’t going to change anything.” Hotch told you quietly, a somehow distant murmur into your ear. 

Through the blur of your tears and the sharp orange glow, you saw the shape of two bodies. You heard coughing as someone emerged from the blast, hobbling down the stairs at the front of the church. You forced your eyes open wider, trying to see who it was, and then: 

“Y/N!” Spencer called out your name gruffly through the smoke he had inhaled, and you easily shucked off Hotch’s grip to race up the stairs to get to him. 

He was leaning on Morgan for support and you were worried that he was hurt. But the moment you were close enough, he tore himself away from Morgan and the two of you met in the middle. In a pattern that was easily developing, you fell into the safety of his arms, holding him tight enough to bruise him - never wanting to let go. 

“You’re so stupid, you’re so stupid! Why would you do that to me?” 

You sobbed out, gripping both sides of his face, staring into his eyes, needing the recognition that he was right there, right in front of you. 

He stared back with glassiness - intense fear, adrenaline, and something small that told you he was thankful for you, and needed you now more than ever. 

Of course, your words were simple anger at the situation, not at Spencer himself. The terror of thinking that he was dead still pumping through your veins, causing you to shake. 

“I know.” He said quietly. “I love you.” 

His voice wrapped around the words so tenderly - it was the most sincere declaration you had ever heard from him. As if to say ‘I know how much that scared you. I know what this ordeal has done to us and I only meant it more because of how scared I am’. 

“I love you too.” The words flew from your lips so naturally it hurt. You took a moment to recover, entirely shocked by your own lips. And then, you only found the need to say it growing more inside of you. “Spencer, I love you.” 

You pulled him toward you with the grip you had on his face, and he easily met you in one of the most earth shattering kisses you had ever experienced. 

It was no longer a show, it was no longer about displaying the fake marriage for someone else’s benefit - if it had ever been about that in the first place. It was about the two of you. It was about feeling that comfort, that safety. It was about the fact that your two souls were drawn together since the day you had met. The fact that you had always felt safe with each other. You had always been the other person’s shelter from the storm. 

And you poured every ounce of those feelings into that kiss. 

You combed your fingers through Spencer’s hair, taking a harsh grip on the back of it, holding him there so he couldn’t pull away from your lips. He wrapped his arms around your waist, fisting the back of your sweater. Both of you entirely refused to come up for oxygen, not even caring who saw the epically passionate, public display of your love for each other. 

Unbeknownst to you, Morgan and Hotch exchanged a look with raised brows as it happened. You and Spencer didn’t care. You were barely perceiving the world around you as the two of you kissed. 

“You know if you’re not careful, people are actually gonna think you two are married.” Morgan said, being his usual sarcastic self. 

Rather than pulling away from Spencer’s lips to sass him back - you simply flipped Derek off over Spencer’s shoulder. 

On the ride home, JJ handed Derek five dollars. He had the over/under that the two of you would get together before the end of the year. JJ said that it wouldn’t happen for another five years, at least. Derek handed the fiver to Emily when she reminded him that the ‘fake marriage’ bit had actually been her idea. 

When Emily and JJ relayed the story to Penelope, she squealed so loudly into the phone that JJ dropped it. 

Hotch pulled you aside later and warned you that the fake rings were just cheap costume jewelry that Garcia had gotten and they would tarnish soon if you kept wearing them. He also recommended that you and Spencer put in the paperwork with HR if you were ‘serious’ about the relationship. You knew that it was him wishing the two of you his best. 

A few days later when you came into work and found the HR request for an update of relationship status sitting on your desk, already signed by Spencer, you couldn’t help but to smile.

...

A/N: okay, I do have to admit, the ending kind of sucks imo (like the last few paragraphs) because I highly resisted the urge to end this with 'baby making' smut where y/n is like if 'you want kids for real, then we can have kids', and then Spencer just goes nuts. because I did like the more cheesy/romantic love confession ending, and I was getting way too tired to write smut for this. idk if I should do that 'x amount of reblogs for part 2' thing or if I'm just happy with this being a standalone oneshot?? idk. if people ask for a part 2, then I will set a reblog goal for it. and I will work on a part 2 for it after Lesson Two is posted.

[oetscop]

so i didnt post abt it when it happened bc i just felt like dumb and complainy (which i am! but moreso than usual) but like. coworker is making me uncomfy as fuck and im just gonna call him s. hes the older trans man i mentioned.

hes like...REALLY condescending? like he talks to me like im a kid. and he always says like "i have kids your age everyones a kid to me haha" as if my moms bf doesnt have a 25 year old daughter like...that doesnt have Shit to do with it. first thing he said to me he was like giving me tips about binding???? like. brother i have been out of the closet for over a decade now lmao

hes well aware im not a binary man, but will still get weird about customers "misgendering" me as if i dont go by any pronouns. if i really cared about how strangers refer to me i wouldnt have this haircut or dress the way i dress. like when we had that dipshit losing it over us not being able to do a propane exchange (and he stole shit) s will KEEP BRINGING UP THE FACT THEY KEPT CALLING ME SHE. AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK.

stranger yet last week this couple was like arguing in the lane across from me and i was like. listening in like what else am i gonna do when we closed and im waiting for someone to take my till. they were talking abt how dumb NH is with food stamps (rightfully so its a nightmare) and were bitching about moving back to NY. next day s tries to convince me they were saying that because they saw my they/them pin like. what 💀

anyway. hes been very annoyingly touchy lately. i found out last night that im not the only one! and he got im trouble for it! but he WONT STOP!!! i hate being touched by anyone who isnt like. my dad or violet. and he was talking abt my van gogh sweater. and he thought some anime character was on the sleeve (its like. paintings lmao) AND TOUCHED MT SLEEVE BOTH TIMES HE BROUGHT IT UP. worse yet, he was getting an energy drink right before close. larry brought up that yknow. hes drinking nos at 11pm. and his response was "i dont normally but im planning on" and then like. pelvic thrusted. like my other coworker and i were disgusted and nobody else gave a fuck???

he keeps joking about how hes not allowed to "be friendly" with most of us anymore. like yeah i fucking wonder why its almost like youre being a creep or sumn