#and then guilt trips me into thinking I’m in the wrong for literally having friends kind of toxic

[bicheetopuff]

I wish childhood friends were real…

[luvhughes43]

tuition payments | hughes!sister

[luvhughes43 masterlist🌷]

request: hi!! i love your work and would like to know if you could do hughes brother x younger hughes sister as the reader, who is short money to go to college and is afraid to ask her brothers first help hut once they find out they help her out?

word count: 0.6k

with your parents' new jobs, they were off the grid for awhile while they tended to their clients and hockey prospects. you knew that in advance, which is why your parents had paid for your tuition before their schedules became busy. so when you got an email on monday saying your tuition was overdue, you were shocked to say the least. 

there was $3 000 pending in your account, which meant your scholarship hadn’t gotten cleared again. you emailed your school back immediately, asking about the money and if your credit could be used, but you didn’t get a reply. all you received were multiple OVERDUE messages, each promising to add more money as a late fee to your already high balance. 

you didn’t have enough money in your savings or chequings account to cover the remaining balance, and so you hastily picked up shifts hoping you could make enough to cover the costs. your friends downright asked why you couldn’t just ask your brothers for the money - and in truth you could, but it just felt wrong. you felt so bad for being dependant on everyone in your family, so if you could help it you would work for the tuition money.

you had almost saved enough when you got the email that your payment had gone through. you sighed in relief, thinking your credit went through but when you checked the app you saw that the remaining balance was paid via card. 

you didn’t have a second to think before a call from quinn lit up your phone. 

“hey quinny?” 

“why didn’t you tell me about your tuition?” he asks, getting straight to the point. 

“how do you know about that?” “dad told me before he went on his work trip to check your accounts and make sure everything was paid,” quinn states simply, and you wonder briefly how quinn even got into your school account before realizing your parents have your passwords. 

“oh…”

“why wouldn’t you tell us you had tuition due?” your brother asks again, this time his voice full of confusion. “like, we could’ve handled this sooner. at least you don't have any of the stupid fees,” he trails off. 

“i just,” you pause, feeling that your reasoning was stupid now that you were about to vocalize it. “i feel like i'm so dependent on you guys. i picked up a few shifts to try and make the money up but it just didn’t happen,” you sigh. 

quinns quiet on the phone and you shift uncomfortably. “you know we don’t care right?” 

“i care!” you huff before putting the call on speaker and laying down on your dorm bed. 

“i’m a millionaire,” quinn states simply. “your schooling is important. you’re not working full-time so you can focus on your studies” 

“i know but i still feel bad…”

quinn sighs, “literally don’t worry about it. nobody feels like you're dependent. you're a university student it’s normal to need help,” 

“okay…” your voice is quiet, and you feel a pang of guilt hit your chest. sometimes you just wish that you didn’t have to ask your brothers or parents for help. 

“i love you y/nny, if you need anything just call” 

“i love you too,” you reply. the siblings stay on the call for a few more minutes, just debriefing on life and the daily dramas. you always know, despite how guilty you may feel, that you’ll always have your brothers if you need help.

[walpu]

Hi, it’s me again!! >_<

When I tell you I gobbled that headcannon post up, I went down on two knees and howled /hj

Anyways, do you think you can do some headcannons on Aventurine with Bodyguard! Reader if you have the time? But this time, with a twist :3

See, reader does care for Aven, you truly do, but before that, you were tasked by Everflame mansion and by Duke inferno himself to kill Aventurine. But you can’t bring yourself to, no, not when you’ve fallen head over heels for him.

When reader does become Aven’s bodyguard, you maintain that serious, no nonsense demeanor, but if he looks closely enough, he’ll see the lovestruck puppy hiding under the hardened shell that they’ve put on.

But the guilt catches up. One day, at least a few months after reader’s betrayal to Duke Inferno, you catch sight of an assassin sent to finish the job they couldn’t do. And so, the secret is finally revealed.

Personally, I think Aventurine would be betrayed, like very, how could he not be? He’s always kept people at an arm’s length away, and when he finally lets you in his walls, and starts falling for thier charm, this secret of yours comes out. He fires you almost immediately, but the way he stares after you with misty eyes doesn’t go unnoticed.

The next months were absolute hell. Reader found a new job as a barista, and is quite enjoying the quaint and simply life it provides, even if you do miss Aventuirne. He’s probably still seething at you, right?.

Wrong. Because you’ve gone MIA, Aventurine been scouring all over the place, trying so hard to find you. He’s loosing sleep, forgetting to eat, all things that you would chide him about. Aeons, he misses you so much.

And when he does find you, he’s overjoyed, and when the two finally reunite, the first thing you do is to apologize deceiving him. But he forgave your silly ass a long time ago, why else would he have spent the last months trying to find you?

Long story short, it’s a happy ending, Aventurine couldn’t be more grateful he has you to be his bodyguard, his closest confidant, and most importantly, his lover <33

I’m so sorry if I went on a ramble, but this idea’s been plaguing me so bad I literally can’t focus on anything else 😭😭

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWAR TO WRITIG FOR THIS REQUEST SINCE THE MOMENT I SAW IT I ADORE YOUR BODYGUARD!READER x AVEN SERIES btw thank you for sharing the c.ai bot

I feel like the only thing I do with each post is apologize for taking so long but right now I like from work trip to work trip so I'm actually really really sorry this madness should end soon 😭😭😭😭 Hope you'll enjoy this post, it was my goal to finish it before version 2.1

bodyguard/assassin!reader x Aventurine

characters - Aventurine notes- gn!reader, angst, hurt/comfort, pining, no beta

It was not a fast prosses for the both of to form a genuine connection. Moreover, you know goddamn well you shouldn't get attached to him.

And at first it seems easy, like yeah another rich playboy, no big deal, you've delt with people like him before, right? Right??????????????

Yeah until suddenly he's not just a rich playboy.

The more you notice how deeply lonely and unhappy he is, the more your heart softens towards him. And the more your heart softens, the more he relaxes around you, seeing behind your cold exterior.

He's not used to people caring about him. And yes, of course he knows it's your job but still, for a man who never had a real friend before, he surely can appreciate having someone who not only won't leave him but also will listen to him and look after him.

And the part about you being paid to do it? Oh well. It's the same guy who offers you to use him as you wish and who's greeting line is "I can play a role of a friend :)"

Mf is FRIENDLESS, LONELY and PATHETIC /affectionally

He'll take what he can get okay.

But goddamn. Don't think he doesn't notice how you started going out of your ways to take care of him. How you make him eat, tend to his small injuries ("my, my, you're my bodyguard, not a doctor. perhaps someone wants a raise, hm?~"), how you drag him out of casino or his office when it's too late.

It drives him crazy. It's not beneficial for you, right? The w h y.

He won't ask. Instead he will watch and slowly fold.

You are probably suffering tho lol. You should just kill him already, you've had so many opportunities to end him. Instead you spoon feed him soup because he claims he has a hangover after a night in the casino. And this little brat looks so smug about it too!!!!

Sometimes he feels like it's too good to be true: you being here, taking care of him, looking after him. The line between professional relationship, friendship and... something more is way too blurry already, and he knows it's dangerous but it just feels so good. Too good.

Duke inferno gets tired eventually. He sends someone to remind you of your mission. To remind you who you really work for.

Well, the duke receives a warning of his own. The dead body of his little messenger.

You know, of course, that the Everflame mansion thugs are not easily intimidated. They will be back. So you better warn Aventurine and tell him everything.

You can't keep lying to him, can you?

Well. It's surprisingly not as easy as you thought. After all, even if they will send someone, you'll just protect Aven like you always do, right? He doesn't have to know. Not about your past, not about your original mission. He keeps his secrets too, so why can't you?

You know goddamn well why tho. You know and yet you still can't bring yourself to tell him the truth.

It goes on like that for several months and Aventurine notices that something is clearly off, something is bothering his darling protector. He tries to pry, to tease, to cling, to pester you. Something to make you open up. Or, at least, get distracted. He can't help but feel anxious. Why are you suddenly so reversed? Do you want to leave his side? Does he not pay you enough? Does he bother you too much? It eats him alive while he tries to mask it by pestering you even more. As if to test you. As if to make sure that it's not the case.

All the hell breaks loose one day when you discover that Duke inferno has sent another assassin to finish the job.

I you spare the details but yeah, your secret was unraveled. And it wasn't pretty at all.

You have never seen emotions so vivid on Aven's face. Part of you always wanted to see him more vulnerable, more open with you. But not like this. Not this look of utter betrayal.

He collects himself quick enough, hiding behind the mask of mock disappointment.

"Hm, well, I recall mentioning that treachery is just another tool of the trade. But it seems like our little deal is not paying off for me anymore" he says with a cold chuckle, shaking his head a little. "After all, you have very little to offer outside of your dog-like loyalty. But seems like this dog bit both hands that fed it".

You were expecting him to call for your arrest but instead he just fires you. It hurts nevertheless.

What hurts even more is that look he gives you when you part ways. It's like his pretty eyes are even more lifeless now.

At first he feels this overwhelming emptiness. It truly feels like the fate is mocking him. One time, just one time, he allowed himself to relax around someone. Just this one time, with this one person who took care of him, who listened to him, who looked out for him. And this person was supposed to kill him.

Then his stupid brain finds another way to torture him. He keeps thinking about the way you have always protected him, the way you took the hit even during the last attack, when Duke Inferno's new assassin tried to get to him. You were ready to leave your past life behind to stay by his side, weren't you?

As soon as he realizes it he goes frantic. Of course he tries to find you asap but of course someone as competent as you would be able to disappear without a trace in no time. You were an assassin, after all. A skilled one too, since he never even suspected you.

This connection the two of you had, this realization that you really cared enough to betray your client, all of this makes him realize that he needs you so, so much. He needs to feel this care again, he need to look at you again, to know that you're here by his side.

He misses you so much. Your nagging, your reassurance, your touch. He's like an addict who felt what it feels like to love and beloved in return for the first time and now he can't live without it.

He doesn't eat or sleep properly, his head plagued by the thoughts about you. What if you forgot all about him? What if you're wounded? Where are you even? His fingers itch to trace your face and your scars.

He thinks about how you would scold him for not taking proper care of himself and it makes him miss you even more.

Aven finds you after a few months. It was honestly a coincidence, one of his subordinates saw you in the coffee shop you were working at.

He though that finding you will calm him down but seeing you from afar, looking somewhat peaceful and cozy, having a regular job... it's too much. And what if you really don't need him anymore? Maybe you never did? After all, he's painfully aware that he probably needs you much more than you need him.

And yet, he decides to take this risk. He's a gambler, after all.

"Somehow I'm not surprised you're good even at that. How come you have never made me coffee before, hm?"

You literally freeze on the spot after hearing this familiar voice next to you.

When you finally get to talk, you can see he's really trying to look calm and collected but how can he? His hands are shaky and his voice cracks. It breaks your heart.

He doesn't even let you finish your apology, pressing a finger to your lips.

"Hush, darling. All is forgiven. In fact, I even have an interesting proposal. I'm can be a generous man after all".

He can't fool you. Not with this shaky soft voice. And he knows it as well.

Please hug that fool and kiss him. Swear that you won't ever leave him again. Swear that you want to be by his side. As his bodyguard, as his friend, as something more. So much more. That's all he really need to feel like he's at home.

[yutasbellybuttonpiercing]

i’m so happy seeing you back here😭😭 and since request are now open, can i maybe request reader going home early just to find boyfriend! jeno and best friend!jaemin jerking of each other but thinking abt you (moaning your name)

Déjà Vu (무대로; 舞代路)

pairing: lee jeno x na jaemin (x reader? (she/her pronouns))

au/genre: smut, established relationship (between jeno and reader), best friend!jaemin, sub!jeno, dom!jaemin

word count: 1665 words

warnings: god where do it start? mxm content, highkey cheating, bro-talk, alcohol consumption and sexual activities under the influence, sexualization of reader (this is not really respecting women of nomin..), jealousy kink...?, hand jobs, pet names (literally. "puppy".), mentions of: blowjobs, anal, public sex, facials and just reader's body in general, dirty talk, degradation (of reader who is not present), getting caught, this is very unserious. let me know if i missed something.

a/n: you ask and you shall receive. i hope this is kind of what you were looking for? i assumed jaemin is jeno's best friend, i hope that's what you meant <3 um.. yeah. i hope you enjoy? i apologize for any mistakes, this was written in my notes app. also, i'm kind of proud of the title.

You're standing in the doorframe – flabbergasted. Just half an hour prior, you'd been thrilled beyond belief that your ass of a boss offered to let you go home early today (of course only because he knows you know that this way he can guilt-trip you to stay longer another time). On the way home, you kept smiling, sang along to the music blasting from the radio until you pulled into the driveway of Jeno's house. You'd texted your boyfriend earlier about your early release, not receiving a reply but also not expecting one. To be fair, Jeno is a great boyfriend, but once he starts gaming, his mind can't focus on anything else. Knowing his best friend Jaemin was visiting today, you were sure that's what they were doing: Gaming. Well, or so you thought until you saw the sight before you.

"Guys...?"

_______

"You need to control your woman, Jeno," Jaemin says, sipping at his beer that (at 2 in the afternoon) might not have been the ideal choice of drink considering the time, and the fact that it had already three antecedents with a similar alcoholic strength. Jaemin is by far not a lightweight, and he knows his tolerance and what happens when he drinks, so the inevitable was at least predicted: his mouth gets a little too loose for his own good.

"Care to elaborate?" Jeno furrows his brows purely in confusion, not at all in distress.

"The skirts," Jaemin elaborates, hands gesturing in the air without tenor, "too short."

"Ah," Jeno laughs, chest buzzing deeply as the sounds rumble up his throat, "yeah. Man, that's out of my reach. I can't tell her what to wear, you know? Feminism and stuff."

"Man," is all Jaemin can add. He knows this is kind of a weird thing for him to say. Don't get him wrong, he's not drunk enough for his moral compass to lay face-down passed-out somewhere in the corner of his brain, it's rather the mean alcohol taping its mouth shut with duct tape so all it can do is jump around and wave its arms, but not voice what exactly is wrong with this.

"Is it riling you up?" Jeno interrupts Jaemin's thoughts of trying to figure out what's going wrong right now. Immediately, a dirty grin pulls at the left corner of Jaemin's mouth, eyelids heavy as he gives his best friend a singular nod and a quick raise of his eyebrows to confirm the statement. Jeno mirrors the expression. "I get it, bro. I mean, as long as you respect that she's mine, there's no harm in looking, you get me?"

"Is there harm in... thinking, though?" Jaemin asks, chin tilting down to make him look up at Jeno questioningly before he adds a quick "Bro?"

"Well, no. What were you thinking?" Jeno asks from his place at the other end of the small couch, leaning forward to create a more intimate ambiance for Jaemin to spill his guts about the rearrangements he'd love to do concerning Jeno's girlfriend's guts. Should he be a little more worried about this? Maybe. Is the alcohol in his system calming the tiny jealous part he has in him? Not really. Is the alcohol in his system turning him on which results in him not giving a shit about the specific contents of his conversation as long as it contains sex? Absolutely!

"Look, man, respectfully," Jaemin says, placing his close-to-empty bottle on the table before leaning forward as well, "I'd not say no if things were different."

"Look at this guy," Jeno grins, and Jaemin breaks out an even wider one, "her short skirts, huh? That's what's setting you off? That's what's getting you hard?"

"What can I say," Jaemin shrugs, grin still evident on his features, horny-clouded brain ignoring the way Jeno keeps coming closer, the older's grin fading slowly but surely. Okay, maybe the jealous part is a little bigger than estimated. Jeno keeps coming closer, a finger acting with a mind of its own as it presses into Jaemin's (admittedly beefy) chest to push him back against the back rest.

"Hands off my girlfriend," Jeno almost growls. He's towering over Jaemin, the younger's smile not fading whatsoever, unfazed by the older's attempts to seem intimidating and dangerous.

"Do you remember that night after Chenle's party?" Jaemin has no clue why his mind brought this memory back up, possibly since it includes him and Jeno in a similar position.

"I do," Jeno gulps, eyes switching between Jaemin's.

"You're hot when you're mad, bro," Jaemin confesses before he can even start thinking about stopping himself. Also, he finds, there is no need for his blood to rush downwards only because he thinks about you in a skirt, assuming this is the sole reason for his tightening pants.

"I am?" Jeno's gaze flickers down to Jaemin's lips. His brain has yet to catch up with this rollercoaster of emotions, having gone from his general chill vibe Jeno to horny Jeno to jealous Jeno to am i about to fuck my best friend (again)? Jeno in a span of not many minutes (who's counting?).

"Yeah, and I'd give a nut to see you and her in bed together, both if I get to film it."

"I can't let that happen," Jeno says, opting for his voice to sound stern and sure, but it sounds more like he's about to cum in his pants untouched. Maybe he is.

"What are you gonna do about it, puppy? What if I fucked your girlfriend, huh? What would you do?" Jaemin has no idea where this is coming from, but it's coming from somewhere and it felt really urgent for him to get it out. Admittedly, he does not regret it one bit as judging by the way Jeno's brows knit together, eyes gloss over and lips start to trembe, he's just pushed the right buttons. Experimentally, Jaemin grinds his hips upwards, causing his confined cock to press against Jeno's who is not able to admit that he finds himself in a similarly aroused state. Instinctively, Jaemin's hands find Jeno's waist. The older gasps at the action, not really sure how to think with his brain when his balls tell him to let Jaemin do his thing, whatever that might include.

"This is still about her, right?" Jeno still manages to ask, breath shaking as Jaemin goes to open both of their jeans.

"Sure. This is just like after Chenle's party, pretend this is about football," Jaemin states, mind clouded with thoughts about his best friend and you, and how he would turn your sex life upside down.

"S-seriously, though," Jeno's voice shakes as he gets to enjoy the way Jaemin's hand sneaks into his boxers to finally touch him. "Are you thinking about her?"

"All the time," Jaemin admits truthfully, not breaking the eye contact Jeno's created. He wraps a hand around Jeno's length, his other hand pulling the older's pants down enough too free his throbbing errection that weights hotly in his hand. "I think about her lips and how perfectly they'd stretch around my cock."

"Shit," Jeno moans, eyes rolling back as Jaemin starts stroking him. "Keep going."

"I need to see her gagging, tears rolling down her cheeks." Jaemin moans at the thought, "touch me."

Jeno hastily complies, freeing Jaemin's hardness as well, not ever having realized how much he's missed the girth of it against his palm. At this, Jaemin groans deeply, hips bucking immediately as he sets a steady pace stroking Jeno as well.

"Her legs too, especially in those skirts. Makes me wonder about the kind of ass she hides from me," Jaemin continues and Jeno whines at the his words, jealousy bubbling up inside him to only fuel his need to cum.

"H-her ass is-" Jeno halts with a moan as Jaemin swipes his thumb over Jeno's tip, "tight."

"Fuck." Jaemin throws his head back as Jeno picks up the pace of stroking him. "Tell me about her cunt."

Jeno's thoughts are all over the place, remembering every single time he's had the chance to stuff you full of his cock, burying himself balls deep inside of you, and it honestly makes his head spin even more. "So wet 'n perfect," he babbles, eyes lidded as he presses his forehead against Jaemin's, "she takes me so well every time, like the good slut she is."

"Mhm, that's what I thought. Your little whore, our little whore- fuck, go faster," Jaemin moans as Jeno does exactly what he's told, the older's sounds turning Jaemin on beyond belief, as well as the thoughts about you that make him want to show up at your workplace unannounced and have his way with you in front of all of your colleagues to show them who you belong to. Involuntary though unmistakably, your name slips from Jaemin's lips.

"Guys...?"

In shock, Jeno's hand stops its movements, but Jaemin is quick to react as he grabs the older's jaw. "Keep going. Fucking look at her and keep going, puppy."

Jeno's wide eyes stay fixated on your shocked face as you analyze the scene unfolding in front of your eyes, though he complies and keeps jerking his best friend off. Jaemin knows you heard him moan your name, though he throws it in two more times to really be sure, knee pushing upwards against Jeno's balls to get him to the edge faster. "Tell her I want her," Jaemin commands, eyes trained on you as well, not missing the way your thighs press together at the sight in front of you.

"W-we want you," Jeno whines, hips stuttering before he releases with a groan, cum splashing out all over Jaemin's shirt almost up to his chin as he guides Jeno through his gut-wrenching high that's quickly followed by syllables of your name. It doesn't take long for Jaemin after that as he sends you a wink before asking: "Do you want it on your face, puppy?"

© 2023 YUTASBELLYBUTTONPIERCING all rights reserved — please DO NOT translate, take, nor repost any of my works.

[ignoremeimnothere]

6 Months

I'd just like to preface this SHIT Drabble by saying I'm literally writing in in work so that it doesn't leave my brain. Inspired by my managers friend who literally found out they're 6 months pregnant last week under the same circumstances, praying for you girl. Like all traumatising experiences I like to thing of Pedro handling me in the situation, this one probably made a lot more sense in my head. Let's hope I come back to the to improve it or progress it.

'You’re 6 months pregnant”

You laughed confused, maintaining eye contact with the doctor. 

‘No I’m not’

The room immediately became thick with awkwardness. 

‘The tes-’

‘Is wrong. I’ve got the implant. No bump. No symptoms’

You listed off all the reasons you couldn’t be pregnant. It was only by chance you had required a trip to the doctors. A holiday was booked with your closest friends for next month. You had only come in to get some anti-anxiety medication for the flight you were so scared of, a blood test was routine before you could get it. 

Your doctor’s eyes squinted slightly, trying to figure out how to handle the conversation. You held their gaze refusing to look at anything else, especially Pedro who was beside you completely silent. 

‘The results are yours. We can run another one if you would like but you are 6 months pregnant. 6 and a half to be more precise’ 

Your eyebrows furrowed, the doctor started a spiel you couldn’t quite focus on. They provide you with a few pregnancy tests to use in the bathroom. You leave to do them alone, you haven’t looked at Pedro since the doctor dropped the bombshell that was obviously- 

‘Positive’ Both tests displayed strong second lines as you felt the blood drain from your head. 

~

Pedro shut your car door as he makes his way to the other side. You haven’t said a word since returning from the bathroom tests in hand. He gets into the driver's side but can’t bring himself to turn on the engine just yet. Your head is completely blank, normally you would spiral but the shock has prolonged that still. 

‘Are you ok’ 

You can barely shake your head, you finally look at him. ‘Are you?’ 

Deafening silence fills the car. You’ve no idea how much time has passed before Pedro eventually begins the drive home. You’re completely spaced out until you approach your street. 

‘I don’t want to go home’

‘Ok baby, where do you want to go’ 

Pedro reduces his speed dramatically giving you time to think. 

‘I think I need to be alone’ You blurt out. 

‘Ok’ Pedro maintains his calm demeanour, attempting to regulate the panic he watched creep into your eyes.

‘Is that ok’ A lump appears in your throat. 

‘Can you be alone in the house?’

 He proposes a safe compromise but you shake your head, your breath catching in your throat. 

‘In the car’ Another suggestion.

You shake your head unbuckling your seatbelt before Pedro has reached your home. He calls your name, a gentle warning to not do anything dangerous. 

‘I think I just…. I need to….’ You struggle to figure out what you need to do. 

‘Breathe with me’ Pedro parked the car and unbuckled himself, twisted towards you he grabs your hands, pecking them before meeting your eye. 

‘It’s ok’ He begins. ‘You can be alone but I need you safe, do you want me to take you somewhere?’ You shake your head. ‘Ok baby but I don’t think now would be the best time for you to drive a car, do you want me to leave?’ You shake your head again.

‘I’ll take a walk?’ You suggest, it was a cloudy day making it quite quiet.

‘Ok Cariño, do you have your phone on you?’

You nod, checking your pocket. He kisses you on the cheek, unsatisfied he gently grabs your face planting a lingering kiss on your lips. You rest your forehead on his having a silent conversation. You would clear your head, come back and have the conversation. For now you needed to take in everything. You swallowed your guilt for needing to be alone, wishing that you could instead process this beside Pedro. You leave before you suffocate on the silent questions lingering in the car and make your way down the street wondering how the hell your life had changed so much within the space of an hour.

[fahbev]

Hi! Saw you jumped on the tim hate train, welcome to the club! Aplarently you're Damian fan, which is good bc hes also one of the characters who's hit by tim's..woobification? Victimization(???) while simultaneously being the bestest, most competent batfam member. You Damian fans honestly have my respect for the pure amount of shit Damian gets because of tim.

hi lmao. Thanks xD. I usually try to keep all my negativity off of the internet, but last night I was going the anti Tim drake tag bc my frustration was flaring up. At first i was collecting posts by liking them instead of rb, then I was replying, and then at some point... “Fuck it. I want this on my blog.”

(This is gonna be a ramble btw, I don’t care abt making a good post rn.)

I used to be fine with Tim! I think the whole thing was a lot less prominent in the dpxdc fandom bc DANNY was the fan favorite/community elected woobie, but then I kinda moved out and... well. It still took awhile for this issue to seep in bc those Tim fans (you know the ones) are certainly a minority, but I just don’t think you can be a Damian fan for longer than a few months without getting frustrated.

Nowadays I refuse to read anything tagged with any variation of “Tim Drake angst” that features the batfam. Timkon fics are usually just fine though.

Actually— recently? Shit’s been bothering me so bad that I don’t wanna risk reading fics that have Tim in the first relationship tag at all. He’s gotta at most be in the second one. Ship fics are again an exception, but I don’t tend to seek out ship fics much anyway.

But, like I said, I usually keep it to myself. Every time i catch myself venting in the tags I either screenshot the tags and delete, or I delete and retype them. I put them into a private notes document. I also journal in there a lot instead of posting it.

That document is pretty long.

I do wanna say that there’s nothing wrong with what tim fans are doing. It is fun to woobify your fave. It’s fun to prop them up and tear others down and make everything about your blorbo and it is harmless. I do it too (usually in my daydreams). It’s a fantasy, and that’s what fanfiction is for. People who act like it’s “problematic” are wrong. That doesn’t mean it’s not annoying. Because it is. It’s annoying as all fuck.

Also wanna mention that I once read a damian fic that like... started off with some delicious whump, but then it turned into a whole Damian pity party and it guilt tripped all his friends and family. Damian IS my blorbo and I couldn’t read that. I didn’t even know who Maps was at the time but it seemed so bizarre to throw her under the bus. Anyway I feel like that’s what a quite large portion of Tim fic is like except a bit less extreme.

I used to tell myself that “ohhh it’s just a rivalry. I’m sure Tim fans get the same shit in reverse all the time” but I literally NEVER see it in the other direction and spend the most of my time in Damian circles. The only time I see tim hate from damian fans is frustration at those particular fans in response to it or in response to favoritism of authors.

I mean i saw a good chunk of it last night, but what else can I expect from the anti tim drake tag?

It’s actually funny how most of the stuff in anti tags is polarized hate shitting on the character with a lot of bad takes, but in tims anti tag it was almost exclusively frustration from Damian and Jason fans, and usually pretty mild takes. Also people calling Tim boring.

Ngl, Idk much about Jason. I’m familiar with his fanon, but the only comic i’ve read that featured him in a major way was Gotham War. I don’t know him well, and I don’t have too much interest in him. However, I hate “Jason falls over in guilt and kisses Tim’s fingers begging for forgiveness” type posts in solidarity. It’s yucky.

Anyway, I didn’t even mean to get on this anti tim train you speak of, It just sorta leaked out of my vent doc. Don’t expect me to keep posting about it.

but also... don’t not expect it. It might happen.

Even so, my dms are absolutely open for Timothy Drake related frustration! I’m pretty tired of being nice to him.

[sappho-ism]

I see a lot of people talking about how being lgbtq+ is just a part of their lives that is just negligible and doesn’t influence who they are as a person.

Which of course, there’s nothing wrong with. But I have a very opposite experience. And I just wanted to talk about it? Because I think about it a lot.

(Note, I will be talking about Christianity and religious trauma so please if that stuff makes you upset, scroll on, I’ve put the tws in the tags but I’m putting it here too just to be safe.)

See the thing is, as I’ve said many times before on this blog, I grew up in a Christian family and was a Christian myself up until I was about 14 when I then left the church. I didn’t even know gay people existed until I started in secondary school and I had a friend who came out to me as a lesbian and she had to explain to me what being LGBTQ+ even was. At that point I was 11. And since being a kid in school meant you were surrounded by other girls who had these “boyfriends.” I never understood that. I never understood the allure of being married to a man, having a child with them, etc. To me, even when I was literally a child, it sounded like something I did not want. Like at all. This lead to me feeling incredibly abnormal compared to so many other people. But I spent that entire first year of secondary with that friend and as I started my second year, a few months before I turned 12, I also came out as a lesbian.

I was outed at church very soon after too. Pastors would pull me aside into rooms to talk about who I was, and why it was a sin that I needed to correct. That I needed to “cast the devil away from my life.” I had friends in that church who were my age. One of which was actually bisexual herself. Her mother throughly hated me because of the fact I was lesbian, worried that somehow I’d “make her daughter gay.” Other people in the church who had previously been family friends now saw me as something to be fixed. That I was a problem and that they needed to remedy it through Christ.

My parents actually had the two church leaders over at our house for food once, and I remember watching one of them go into this fit about how much he hated that the church was being pressured to accept LGBTQ+ people, how it’s wrong, disgusting, and all the other shit you’d expect to hear from a conservative Christian’s mouth concerning LGBTQ+ people. In my own fucking house.

This culminated in me being cohered, guilt tripped and manipulated into being baptised in-front of the entire congregation and then announcing that I was “free of the sin of homosexuality.” Watching people actually rejoice and clap and celebrate such a thing is still something very present in my mind.

I left the church very soon after that. One reason because I didn’t believe in any high power to begin with. The other being I felt like I had utterly betrayed myself. I hated myself. And everyone else in that place hated me too. They just liked to pretend they didn’t, and “only hated the sin.” I went through so much confusion and upset over who I was, and trying to navigate that as a young teenager while simultaneously being told that I was disgusting for even existing by a community I had grown up in was suffocating.

But once I was finally away from all of that, I still had to endure the fucking isolation that comes with being literally the only other out lesbian in my school and, to my knowledge, my college and just being a lesbian in society in general but I won’t go into that because this post is long enough.

Being a lesbian has literally defined my experiences that have shaped me growing up. It’s been there. Everywhere. I’m still trying to combat feelings of shame over my own sexuality that come creeping in every so often, especially since I’m still very exposed to Christianity through my family. But being able to call myself a lesbian instills me now with this feeling of joy and self assurance, feelings that initially were just plain shame and self hatred. I feel incredibly connected to that part of myself, and by extension the community. Even when I haven’t known other shit about myself or who I was, that was the thing I did know.

Being a lesbian directly impacts me. It did and it definitely still does. It’s not just a negligible fact about me or anything. It’s so important in a way I still can’t properly describe and idk if I ever will be able to. But it’s nice.

I didn’t have this ability to be so open about myself when I was younger. And now I finally have the chance, I’m going to take it. Yes, it still puts me in danger, yes, people are going to fucking hate me for it. But I’m doing it for younger me who didn’t have the chance, who was bullied and ridiculed and made to feel like she was a disgusting abomination for simply existing.

[doubledyke]

dissociatED ch. 2

the girls (edd and eddy) are no longer fighting

“Greetings! You’ve reached Eddward. Unfortunately, I’m unable to take your call at the moment. If you will, please leave a brief message with your name, and telephone number, and I’ll return your call as soon at my earliest convenience. Thank you!”

Eddy mocked the nasally voice under his breath after hanging up and tossing the phone onto the foot of his bed. It was bad enough that he would yet again be the one admitting defeat in another of their standoffs. Now he had to wait for a call back just to apologize? Restless with frustration, he hopped off his bed and paced around his bedroom as if to follow his train of thought.

He’s ignoring me. He’s gotta be! His phone’s literally attached to his hip with that tacky ass belt holster. He shuddered to think of the gauche accessory.

Maybe Ed’s sixth sense was wrong and he’d finally fucked it up for real this time. The only logical explanation was that Double Dee had reached his threshold for Eddy’s bullshit once and for all and would never forgive him. One dickish remark too many. And the last one was a doozy.

-

“So you’re not coming?” The breath hitched in Eddy’s throat released as a scoff.

“Eddy, if you'd-”

“Y'know, I only agreed to go cuz you looked like you were gonna fucking cry when I said I didn’t want to. Here I was, willing to embarrass myself for you and you’re gonna flake?” He scowled at the shiny plastic garment bag hanging from the frame of his closet.

Edd rolled his eyes at the guilt trip. He looked down at his notepad where ‘sorry’ was scrawled several times in a hodgepodge of print and cursive.

"Due to a… discrepancy in scheduling, I've had to make a few discommodious adjustments to a-accommodate an important - mandatory, in fact - meeting of the associated student body… Believe you me, if there was a way I could be there, I would.” Edd should have left his sputtering at that, but felt compelled to inject additional awkwardness. “Yessiree. Front row." His teeth scraped his lip while he hoped against hope that his lousy excuse would be accepted with minimal scrutiny.

"You lie like a cheap rug! If you cared so much, you'd find a way to be here."

Edd’s cheeks were burning. Though he considered himself to be fairly skilled in the art of prevarication, he should have known better than to think he’d get one over on Eddy “Spinner of Yarns” McGee.

"Y-You don't understand," he choked. Citing the enervating anxiety he felt about venturing back to Peach Creek sounded like even more of a cop out in his head than the nonexistent meeting. In all truth, the mere thought of taking in its familiar sights, sounds and smells for an entire day worsened his chronic shortness of breath. Not to mention the hours-long trip just to get there. Before he could find the words, a gruff voice interjected.

"Forget it, you're doin' me a favor. Just wish you'd told me before I rented the fuckin' robe." he bluffed, knowing full well his parents weren't going to let him skip commencement after they paid for his cap and gown. "And I don't get why you feel the need to lie. You know you suck at it.”

"Yes well," Edd cleared his throat before making another attempt to explain. "Your and Ed’s educational milestone is important to me, Eddy. Unfortunately, I have other obligations." His unintentionally stony tone prompted a softening of his next words. "I do hope you'll still attend. Earning a high school diploma is quite an achievement for you."

"For me? What the hell’s that s'posed to mean?!"

"I meant nothing by it! Though I'm sure you'd agree, things were a bit touch and go for a while there." Eddy remained silent during his friend's dramatic pause.

His trudge to the educational finish line had indeed been a struggle, which was why he was so hurt by Edd ditching. Their off and on tutoring sessions over the years were the only reason he maintained a solid 2.3 GPA. Apparently that all meant nothing now.

"I’m very proud of you, Eddy."

"Uh-huh. Not proud enough, apparently." The cantankerous little cad couldn't help it. If there was a snide remark to be made, his soul wouldn’t rest until he was the one to make it. "All that belly achin’ you do about your parents - now look at you! You’re acting just like ‘em."

Edd's wide eyes blinked incredulously at such an emotional sucker punch. They’d exchanged their fair share of injurious insults across years of tumultuous friendship, but their tacit agreement not to exploit certain vulnerabilities had never been breached. During even their worst tiffs, he wouldn’t have dreamed of such a low blow from someone who claimed to be his best friend.

Eddy's knee bounced furiously while he waited for a response to his odious words that hung like Ed’s B.O.. It was a shitty thing to say, sure, but what kind of jerk misses their buddy’s graduation? As far as he was concerned, he was the real victim here. So he doubled down.

“You can tell Ed too, cuz I’m not in the mood for the waterworks.”

Rustling was heard on the other line before the call disconnected.

-

Edd froze with his hand gripping the front door knob of his shared apartment. The deadbolt clicked with the turning key, then the door gave way to his weary shoulder. He was still adjusting to the culture shock of seeing how people lived when they didn’t have a pathological need for order. Living with strangers - living with anyone was taking Edd much longer to get used to than expected.

Indignation boiled his insides while he stood eyeing the open floor plan from the doormat. As he stepped inside, he kicked the folded corner of an area rug back, and picked up a couple of throw pillows from the middle of the floor. Loose filler paper spilled from the open pocket of a backpack tossed on the couch. He brought his hands up to his temples to serve as blinders to the squalor as he continued toward the hall.

Being the friendly folks they were, his roommates frequently reminded him that he was in fact allowed to come out of his room. Edd always politely declined, confounded by the concept of relaxing in a room that hadn’t been dusted in recent memory. At this point, it was clear that his colleagues were less than receptive to his sermons on the advantages of sanitization, organization and minimalism. Now he just did his best to ignore the unvacuumed floors, the sinkful of dishes and clutter collecting dust on every flat surface. It was just his luck to be housed with two people whose filth gave Ed a run for his money. A lineup of empty soda cans was swiped off the kitchen table by the messenger bag jutting from Edd’s hip as he zipped by. He startled at the noise, but stuck to his resolution to no longer clean up after capable adults.

The door of his austere refuge opened to cool, purified air, subtly scented with lavender from a reed diffuser. He entered just far enough to close the door and hang his bag and windbreaker from the hook on the back. The mattress protector and sheets crinkled as he plopped onto the twin bed and plucked his hat off for a vigorous massage of his tender scalp. As he folded over and tugged at his double knotted shoelaces, he glanced up and saw the phone he’d left on his desk all day.

He first realized it was missing during mid-morning breakfast with his ESL conversation partner. Mostly unbothered, since incoming phone calls were a rarity these days, it slipped his mind before he even finished his crepes. It wasn’t until early evening that he was reminded of its absence when his steel guitar tutee was ten, then twenty minutes late for their lesson. He attributed the absence to end-of-summer blues, but just in case, he tucked his shoes off to the side and grabbed the little nylon pouch. His heart sank when he flipped the screen up and saw that he’d missed six calls from one of the few numbers he had saved.

"Hello?"

"Eddy? I-I'm so sorry, I… I was in a rush as usual and forgot my cell phone at home this morning. Is everything okay?" While waiting for an answer, he’d been recounting a list of worst case scenarios and going over the most logical reaction for each.

"Aye, Sockhead! Long time no talk?" He cringed at the poor attempt at sounding more composed than he felt. "Uh, how are ya?"

"I’m returning your call. Well, calls.” Edd’s concern quickly gave way to snark once he caught his friend's signature cheeky tone. "How are you?"

"Can't complain. Well I could, but who wants to hear it, amirite?"

Several seconds passed before Edd responded to the hackneyed quip.

"Seems I'm not the only one with a tendency to mirror their parents."

For once, didn't take long for Edd to get to the point. Eddy deflated like a balloon. At least with the elephant acknowledged he could cut the crap.

"Look, I didn't mean what I said, okay?" His voice was a low mumble. "I was just frustrated with the whole… thing. If it's any constellation, my folks made me go anyway."

"Oh yes, I feel quite consoled, Eddy." The corners of his mouth tightened. "I do appreciate the effort it must have taken you to form something adjacent to an apology.”

"Right…" Eddy responded, then waited for the "but".

"After some reflection, however, I realized that there may have been some merit to your callous comment." Edd recrossed his legs and leaned back in his ergonomic office chair. "I told you I'd be there cheering you on when you advanced this next phase of life. And I wasn't.” His ears tingled with imminent lacrimation. “For that, I sincerely apologize."

Eddy was used to his friend's frequent blubbering by now, but his chest still tightened when Edd’s voice cracked. Luckily, befriending a crybaby was great practice for offering comfort in moments like these.

"Hey, c'mon. You're nothin' like those tight asses. Not with the, like, important stuff." He still wasn’t very good at it. “'Sides, I still had Ed! Oh man, you shoulda seen it! He tripped over his own dumb feet twice on his way up to the stage." A hearty laugh cut through the tension. “I hope someone was recording! Fuckin’ idiot.”

"Yes, he told me as much.” Edd sniffled and let out a weak laugh. “In fact, he gave me quite the rundown for most of your past academic year. Including the so-called senior prank you hoped to pull." A sneaking smile accentuated his playful scorn.

"Me? A prank?" Eddy gasped and clutched his proverbial pearls. "It was a good one, huh?"

"Mmm, from what I could gather during his breathless retelling, you hoped to replace each student's photo in the yearbook with your own portrait?" Edd's smirk grew. "Sounds less like a prank and more a manifestation of unchecked narcissism."

"I thought it was funny. If that girlfriend of yours would’ve played along it would've been a scream." Eddy replied flatly. "I swear she used her piddly authority as head of the yearbook club to unfairly target me. What’d I ever do to her?” He gestured wildly alone in his room. “She wouldn't even approve my quote! Instead, she put some mealy-mouthed bullshit about the value of education. You need to get a handle on her.”

Edd momentarily ignored the bulk of the erroneous ravings and gave in to curiosity about what kind of trouble Eddy had been causing in his absence.

"Dare I ask just what vile excerpt you insisted be printed below your definitive school photo? The photo, mind you, that generations of our fellow alumni will undoubtedly come across?" Edd closed his eyes as innumerable offensive possibilities raced through his mind.

"It was gonna be that old Sinatra quote. Y’know, 'The best revenge is massive success.’ But oh no, little miss Steinem said it'd be a cold day in hell before a misogynist was commemorated in her precious book. Hell, I don't even care for the guy, but it's a good quote."

"That's it? Funny, I imagined something far more…blue. Although, she does have a point about the normalization of mid-century machismo. I'd think you of all people would be sympathetic to her cause."

Eddy paused to figure out what Edd meant.

"By the way, Nazz and I separated shortly before your class graduation. I was going to tell you when we last spoke but-"

"Woah, woah, woah, hang on! What’d she write ya a Dear John letter?"

A crackling laugh sent Edd recoiling from the phone’s speaker. Eddy made no effort to downplay his glee at the news he'd been waiting to hear for nearly a year.

"What happened, didja sprout a few chest hairs and scare her off?"

Edd held his matter-of-fact reply until the snickering ceased.

"The hardships of maintaining a long distance relationship proved too much to abide, I'm afraid. I think we had an inkling that our dalliance was doomed to dereliction, but it certainly was fun while it lasted."

"The fuck does that mean? You dumped her?"

"I like to think of it as mutual, Eddy. We came to realize that we were simply two ships passing in the night. Alas, separated by the briny tides of the vast ocean of inconstancy we call life."

"Yeah, she dumped ya. And now I see why, ew!"

"Oh, and I suppose women are just lining up to jump into that unmade bed of yours?" Edd snorted.

"Uh, duh! They’re linin’ the block just for the chance. Had to install a turnstile for chrissake!" He smiled when Edd's scoff morphed into a genuine laugh.

"Why, it’s a wonder you found the time to call me. I’m flattered.”

“Yeah well, even Lothario needs a breather from time to time.” Eddy flipped over on the bed to lay on his stomach. “What about you? How's the single life treatin' ya? You must be bumpin' uglies with a different chick every night, huh?"

Edd rolled his eyes at the notably accusatory tone and accompanying vulgar image.

"Please. If I didn't know any better, I’d think I had unwittingly signed a vow of celibacy along with the lease for my off-campus apartment." Edd stood from his chair and stretched with a drawn out groan, then took the three short steps back to his outgrown bed. "Not that I've had the time, nor energy for such extracurricular activities, given my shortsightedness in arranging my summer schedule."

Relief washed over Eddy.

"What, you mean to tell me you ain't goin' to the keggers at Alpha Beta Soup every weekend?" They both chuckled at the absurd idea.

"Tempting as it may be to attend a gathering of belligerent, red-faced bloviators, where the guest of honor is a barrel of Bud Light - I think I'll pass."

"You gotta make time for yourself or you'll go nuts, Dee. What've you been doing all break then?"

"Well, I just finished my final class of the summer… Oh, and I’ve started tutoring again.” Exhaustion stopped him from elaborating. “Now, I’m waffling.”

"About what?"

"Well, I'd really like to see you and Ed before classes commence in a few weeks. I'm just not sure…"

"Not sure?" Eddy's forehead scrunched. "I'm- er, Ed's practically dysfunctional without ya. More than usual, that is."

"Oh good lord, please tell me he's still employed?" Edd's subconscious foot shaking paused while awaiting an answer.

"Yeah, yeah he's still at the plant." Eddy heard a faint exclamation of relief from his friend. "Him and May are still mushy as ever, yadda yadda yadda. I can tell he's missin’ ya though."

"It's not that I don't want to see you! I'm just once again letting worry cloud my better judgment." Edd looked down at the throbbing, red thumb he'd been mindlessly picking at since before their call started. "I'm not even sure where I'd stay if I did come to visit."

There was a brief silence while Eddy's brain caught up to his friend's words. He'd been stuck on the irony of Edd worrying about Ed's job, when in reality he was the one who'd recently nearly wrecked his car looking for "Help Wanted" signs.

"Well, depending on when you wanna come, my folks are takin' their uh… 'couples' cruise' in like, a week. You could stay at my place."

Edd's face lit up at his friend's offer.

"Oh, Eddy, that would be fantastic! And what convenient timing… How long will they be away?"

"Mom said they're leaving for the airport Tuesday morning, but I'll have to find out when they're comin' back. It's usually like a week."

"Excellent!" Edd squeaked excitedly. "As soon as you find out I'll buy my bus ticket, and-"

"Bus?!" Eddy sat up. "You really think you'd survive a ride on the Freakshow Express? Get real! I'll drive it. Just gimme the address."

"Honestly, Eddy, the bus isn't that bad. I'm of the opinion that having to endure a few eccentrics is a small price to pay for ecologically sustainable transportation."

"I want to come get you." He was a little embarrassed by how intense he suddenly sounded. His heart rate picked up. An eyebrow arched beneath Edd's hat.

"Have you been adhering to your vehicle's maintenance schedule?"

"You can't help yourself, can you?" Eddy laughed and shook his head. "My car's fine. I just got the brake pads replaced, and I think they changed the oil. Might've been the wiper fluid... I dunno. How bout I bring ya the receipt and you can write your analysis on the way back?"

"Oh, I'm sorry that I'm not jumping at the opportunity to be stranded on some rural back road with no phone service, and none of the tools required to correct whatever mechanical misfortune undoubtedly befalls us given our seemingly supernatural bad luck. Do you even have a roadside emergency kit? Preferably including road flares?"

"I still have the one you gave me! You act like we're goin' to Canada or something. It's a few hundred miles. I got cables, a spare, a jack, and I'll wear my cut offs in case we need to flag down some meathead to do the grunt work."

Edd's giggling tapered with a sigh.

"In that case, I look forward to seeing you, Eddy."

"I bet you do." He teased, making Edd redden. "Nah, I'm excited to see you too. Maybe we could, uh... get some lunch or somethin' while we're out there." It was a benign suggestion, but heightened excitement made it seem risky.

"I'd like that." Edd's calm voice masked the fact that he was screaming internally. No, he wouldn't read to much into his friend's words. He'd only end up hurt again. Instead, he read his watch. "I hate to cut our conversation short, Eddy, but I've got to start my nighttime routine."

As kids, they'd yap on the phone for hours with no lull until one or both of them fell asleep clutching the receiver. Eddy found himself grinning like an idiot at the not-so-distant memories. After such a long stretch of not speaking, it was difficult to say goodbye.

"Alright, have fun scrubbing your elbows or whatever it is you do."

"You know I will!"

"I'll let you know what my mom says. I'll text you!"

"Sounds great. Good-"

"Don't forget your phone!"

"I'll clip it to my belt tonight."

"'You better."

"Good night, Eddy."

"Night, Dee."

[manicpixxiedreambitch]

Okay so there is this person, right? To protect his/their privacy, I’m referring to them as Mitch. This is nowhere near their actual name. He is a good friend of mine, and I am grinding my teeth in annoyance because they have a boyfriend who is a MAJOR red flag. The boyfriend guilt trips him over everything, forced them to cut off a bunch of their friends, tries to keep them from texting other people, and then it gets WORSE. The dude used to track them on Life 360. He can have the password to their phone, but they can’t have the password to his. HE MONITORS THEIR DMS WITH THEIR FRIENDS. He goes through their phone. Any time they mention hanging out with friends he tries to guilt trip them and say something like “Oh well we haven’t really talked much in three months or whatever but okay” or “That’s fine, I’ll just burn myself out working to keep myself busy while you’re out on vacation with them, but hanging out with them must be more fun” and try to manipulate them into doing what he says. I’ve been trying for MONTHS now to get Mitch to dump him, but Mitch is still hesitant to leave the relationship. Apparently a few weeks ago Mitch did in fact try to dump the guy and the fucking douche nozzle replied with “Oh, you really decided to do this to me on a day I was feeling really suicidal???”

🚩🚩🚩

And so of course Mitch being the kindhearted person that dumbass DEFINITELY DOES NOT DESERVE, felt guilty enough to stay. The guy proceeded to love bomb them like crazy afterwards, too. Three days later I’m hearing this and I’m like “Well he seems happy enough all of a sudden with you he must not be so suicidal anymore. You should dump him now.” And Mitch is like “No because he’s being so nice now!!! And loving and attentive and he has issues but he’s trying to change.” And I am like “Bro you JUST wanted to break up with him. How long has he been telling you he’s trying to change and what changes have you seen?” And Mitch listing a few small things that were the bare fucking minimum like “Oh well I guess he’s not getting so mad. Like the other day I mentioned wanting to hang out with (mutual friend) and he didn’t get mad about it, he just acted a little weird.” And showed me the texts where he got “weird” where he essentially said “We never hang out anymore… but it’s just so much easier with your friends, ig”. BRO WHAT THE FUCK?????? And I’m pretty sure it’s like Mitch has to ask the dude before they even try to think about hanging out with their friends. The guy doesn’t even go to our school. He goes to an entirely different school. And I have this one friend who used to date the guy before and he said the guy was doing that bullshit then, too. And I’m trying to tell Mitch that they deserve someone SO MUCH BETTER. They said that they understand that but they really want their relationship to work. I essentially told them their relationship was more than a couple cracks in the wall or a leaky pipe, it was a whole burning house. And they are still with the guy and it’s so SO frustrating because I can’t stop thinking about how much more they deserve.

I can’t stop thinking about them, and at first I was convincing myself that it’s nothing. I’m not interested in Mitch, I’m just a concerned friend who hates their toxic boyfriend and wants the best for them. I’m just protective of my friends.

…right???

Wrong. Because then the thoughts turned to something different. I keep thinking about how they deserve better. How if they were MY partner, I wouldn’t be treating them like that. I’d be giving them respect and space when they need it, and I wouldn’t make them ask for my permission for anything. And then it proceeded to me thinking about how cute they are and how amazing they are. And then I started having these little daydreams of taking them out on a date.

So, in spite of me saying literally two months ago that despite being bisexual, I have never felt myself attracted to people beyond male and female, I am finding myself developing the smallest, tiniest crush on my trans/genderfluid friend.

What the fuck do I even do with this??????

[just-a-carrot]

Hi Carot!

Finally binge played the whole main game and side games (except for T2A2G, which was the first game I played)

I think I had a different emotional journey in OW than most players; I was interested in Orlam from the beginning.

I’m aromantic and don’t enjoy the situation where a love interest already has a hardcore crush on the protagonist (though I could sympathize with Iggy’s struggle about how blurry the line between romantic intimacy and sexual one is for allo/allo people), so a character who’s not involved in the love triangle somehow being a love interest seems interesting for me.

I’m not sure that you were expecting people to find out what exactly happened between Genzo and Orlam (something romantically or/and sexually intimate) before Arc 3, but I could tell there was something more than just a bully and his victim going on between them.

For example, in the BBQ scene where Orlam tried to hint at Genzo's sexuality and the conversation from the first Orlam’s revenge, the combination of dirty jokes and the mention of "after-prom" were so obvious.

I was fully convinced that Genzo didn't just bully Orlam awfully but also broke his heart when fake guilt-tripping Genzo in Kiddie Kruise mentioned that Orlam helped him after the loss of his sight. Why would a victim help a powerless bully? Orlam’s body sitting on a bed instead of lying is a dead giveaway (pun intended).

After the disappearance of Genzo in Arc 3, I thought Iggy would find out Orlam turned out to be a monster and was going to cry, so the choices caught me off guard. Choosing a man whose heart was broken by your friend over the forementioned friend who has a crush on you? SIGN ME UP ALREADY. (Don’t get me wrong, I like Genzou, but I'm here for THE INTENSE GAY DRAMA) (I’m also here for THE COMPLICATED TRIC TRANSMASC DRAMA) (but they once caught my eye PHYSICALLY and tried to pop it out MY EYEBALLS WANT TO STAY IN THEIR SOCKETS COMFY HELLO???????)

The emotional roller coaster ride of the end of Arc 3 was WILD, and his relationship with Iggy was also a good surprise, so when I reached Arc 5.15, seeing he's suffering from something I would never experience was really painful.

Whe I played Save the Last Dance, I figured out the way to get End 2 out by the hint (the player should gain points) and Orlam’s personality; he loves being in a dominant position and fears betrayal.

The game makes you trick him to get the wrong hope that Genzo will choose him over Iggy and stab him in the back (figurative language) (technically he stabbed him in the front this time). That's exactly what he did to him on the after-prom.

Now we know Arc 2 Genzo was not a ordinary person who was traumatized by the experience of killing someone he knew from his childhood; he killed someone who's happy in his last second of life because the man who once broke his heart cried for him.

Their fucked up relationship is one of my favorite parts of the game, and I'm also happy for the sidegame version of Orlam, who is no longer suffering from his feelings (we could see he's still bitter about Genzo, but as long as they're not trying to kill each other literally, I’ll take that as a win).

BINGED, MY GOD that must have taken so long I feel hghgjgy even aside from the long main game playing all the side games would take a while too 🤣💦 I am both impressed and honored that you'd play through everything like that LOL

and I'm very happy you like Orlam!! Orlam is such an interesting character for me personally just from a reception point of view as he's gone from a char no one seemed to like to the most popular char of the entire game... (and often with such intensity that I feel a tad overwhelmed at times jjgjfhg 💦). but I do find his story in general to also be one of the most interesting and he's easily the one I've always had the most fun writing and his scenes are always some of my favorites LOL there's a reason I spent so freaking long making sure the climax of his character arc, so to speak, in 5.15 was the best i could absolutely do 🥺

I don't really talk about the whole Genzou and Orlam thing outside of the game itself much. for one, because it's one of the many things I kinda would rather leave open to interpretation and for people to take away whatever they want from it (similar to some of the other stuff i don't go into detail much, such as some specific moments of all of their pasts, some of the chars' reasons for doing things, etc). and for another, because I don't really wanna romanticize it at all (and honestly feel uncomfortable if I see ppl doing so) so I mostly just avoid it in general jghgjgh to me they are awful for each other in every way, which is why I love how tragic and awful the whole thing is, but I don't like pushing it more than that LOL I do enjoy their dynamic in the AU-ish side games though as in those games I tend to head canon most of the Most Awful things as not having happened so they're not as toxic but they still clash horrendously which just makes for funny banter

I'm very happy you enjoy their tragedy and drama though dhdhdh sob this whole game is just pure convoluted drama laced with a bit of horrible death and a few bad jokes I swear 🤣💦 and tbh it grew more convoluted as production went on because both arcs 3 and 4 turned out a lot different from how I'd planned (4 especially). I still think 4 might be my favorite of all the arcs just because of how serendipitously I feel it all came together and also how much it broke my heart... though arc 5 once it's fully finished might take its place just because I love how it brings all the chars' arcs to their heights (and also I think the production value is the best LOL). Arc 3 though was where the game finally started to get a bit of traction (and also took such a huge turn) so I've always been fond of it, too

I feel like I might have gotten off track with this answer though that might be due to the aforementioned bit about me generally avoiding talking about those two too much so I instinctively veered LOL but I really am glad that you've enjoyed the game and its chars and all its tragic horrible drama so much!! 😭💦 And also thank you for taking the time to write out such a long and thoughtful message!! 💕

[oasisofgalaxies]

who Is Rhodes

tell me all of the things

HEHEHE OK

This is Rhodes, aka Riley Caboose, aka Spartan P-011, aka Agent Rhodes Island! Shes a mix between a Halo oc and a Red vs Blue oc!! She’s my beloved baby girl and the only thing stronger than herself is the guilt on her shoulders !!!!!

She was abducted inducted into the Spartan 2.5 program (look the mortality rate between II and III dropped from 56% to ~0% that technological leap had to come from somewhere) at age six along with her brother, Caboose, age five. She grew up in the program and they both graduated. In their third mission as full Spartans they were cryo’d for a trip and that’s when Everything Went Wrong !!

This part I’m still ironing out but the essential idea is that the ship they were cryo’d in was attacked or tampered with causing the onboard systems to “defrost” Rhodes as she was the mission’s leader. She was doing a check when whatever was fucking things up made itself VERY known. Through a series of terrible events she ended up being the only one surviving that mission. I have a very strong mental image of her floating outside the ship in her suit watching it slowly explode. And just watching in horror because her men are on that ship. Her brother is on that ship.

Anyways I have no idea how Caboode survived that and I’ll figure it out eventually but Rhodes thinks he’s dead and it’s all her fault! Yay! Anyways years pass and weee Project Freelancer hurrayyyy! There she meets Agent Arizona, Ari for short, and they immediately become friends! Just kidding Rhodes is a brick wall friendship wise because she’s terrified of vulnerability and becoming attached to people. Ari does not care and takes this as a personal challenge. Eventually Rhodes sorta warms up to her but it takes. Fucking forever.

Anyways during PFL she meets Lambda, the AI assigned to her! Lambda is the Patience fragment! They’re the grey figure floating on her shoulder in the first picture! (By the way, Ari gets Xi, who’s Curiosity!) They get along fine, but they become friends after PFL once Rhodes opens up more. Shes. Very cagey still. Poor thing.

Anyways PFL goes to shit and Ari loses an arm in the crash. Rhodes carries her for forever, fighting off the Meta while they’re going, until they reach some kind of outpost and are able to get Ari medical attention. Everything sucks and they travel for a while, not knowing what to do with themselves. At some point in this part which isn’t really fleshed out too much, they discover that they’re actually sisters!

So when Rhodes was little, she was the ringleader of her trio of siblings among the many she had. Rhodes was the oldest, Caboose was the middlest, and Ari was the youngest. Ari was a pretty sickly kid so Rhodes and Caboose took care of her. When Rhodes and Caboose were taken, she didn’t believe the flash clones that replaced her siblings were, well, her siblings. So she’s been searching for them ever since and one of them was right under her nose this entire time!

Anyways Ari wants to look for Caboose but Rhodes has to break it to her that he’s dead. Again this part isn’t very fleshed out but either way they somehow end up on Chorus because the tractor beam of fate decreed it. They end up there and realize, oh fuck, this planet is in the middle of a civil war. Rhodes is immediately hellbent on helping these people because this is the thing she was literally made to. So they become. Actually now that I think about it, opposites of Felix and Locus. They split up, Ari going to Armonia and Rhodes to Mirage. They keep in touch and discuss ways to help reunite the two warring factions. Here they meet the Red and Blues, they find Caboose, SO many tears are shed, and yeah!

That’s. A super brief summary of her backstory and I still left out so much even tho it’s so fucking long I am so sorry

TL;DR Rhodes/Riley is a person who was abducted into the Spartan program along with her brother, eventually became a freelancer after the believed death of her brother, and finds her siblings and also her sense of humanity along the way!!

A huge part of her story is remembering how to be a person after the program. She has the “I’m just a weapon and a tool” mentality to struggle with and OH BOY DOES SHE STRUGGLE. But with help from Ari and Caboose and the friends she makes along the way she learns how to be a person again :) and how to be happy!!!!!!

Oh also she is a car guy. She loves working on cars and vehicles in general it’s her specialty !!

I love her so much she is everything to me !! Also fun fact I associate her with lions a lot

^ Rhodes fr

[destinygoldenstar]

TEN. THOUSAND. VIEWS.

On TDDRI. Ten thousand. And Chapter 5 isn’t even out yet.

Guys… I…

I’m speechless. Idk what to say.

Something I wrote is now in the realm of being popular?!

I…

I can’t even type. Wow. You guys have butchered my ability to write and now I am unable to continue TDDRI.

(That was a joke)

This is a HUGE New Years Present for me.

I’ve been writing since I was six. My work was shit. As you’d imagine for a six year old.

But I loved doing it so I kept doing it. It was where my child imagination lied. I wrote a ton of knock offs. I would have journals and write fictional characters instead of diaries of myself. I would draw characters of a narrative.

Now I study creative writing. For a hobby. I was an A+ student in my class. I had a book released when I was 11. I was a runner up in a city contest and was interviewed by the mayor of where I lived. At 13. I’m writing whenever I have free time. I’m writing analytics on social media. I didn’t even have an account in high school. I’m giving writing advice to people on the internet. Writing is basically my life at this point.

So you’d think that I would be someone well known for writing, right?

No.

There’s a lot that don’t know or care that I exist.

Because, I have a fear of what people think of me.

I’m constantly worrying that I say the slightest things wrong, and then I become a cancelled figure. Loathed for a mistake. For the rest of my life. Where everyone constantly harasses you that you’re some evil person and the world is better without you.

Because of that I’ve been incredibly phobic with showing people my writing. I would write, but I would never show it to anyone unless I was forced to. Even after getting praised like the examples I gave of ‘achievements’. I felt like shit for even getting them in the first place. Like deep down, I was some hack who didn’t deserve it.

And it goes FAR beyond a basic phobia.

I do feel comfortable to at least share it now. Cause I would never three years ago. Believe me, don’t, it’s fine by me. You don’t have to believe anyone online.

I was in the fifth grade. I was freshly moved out of my state that I grew up in before that, the world I loved to live in so much. Gone. And I was forced and expected by my peers to accept the changes and ‘get used to it’. So I lied. When I didn’t lie, people got upset. They would try to hide how I felt.

I didn’t learn I had Asperger’s syndrome until I was 13, so this was before that. But my parents knew. Didn’t tell me till I was a teen. I was definitely ‘the weird kid’ for it. They played rough and ran with soccer balls. I played in the fields running around imaging I was a bunny. Kids my age told me to stop it.

Sure, I was at least known, as that same year I was elected out of the entire school to be the soloist of the end of the year concert. But everyone told me I didnt deserve it. Shy, timid, anxious me who jumped at anything.

I only ever became confident whenever I was in my little writing corner. Which, at first, was just another ‘weird’ thing.

Hell, my blog username, ‘GoldenStar’ is literally the name of my self insert character. Fun fact.

But I had a friend group.

And that friend group was the main culprit of bullying.

It was two girls. One of them was really sarcastic and hard to read, and a compulsive liar. The other was the one who invited me to be a friend, and a focus on this story.

She took advantage of me since the beginning. Both of them did cause they both stole my stuff and passed it off as ‘friend lending a friend’. She saw a naive innocent overly sweet and kind girl who would freak out and believe and scream at anything.

Because I am exactly that. I am EXACTLY that.

Constantly lied to me to see my overly dramatic reactions and laugh at them. Guilt tripped me whenever I hanged out with anyone else. Stole from me. Whenever I achieved something, she would say “Don’t worry. I know you don’t deserve it. Your secret is safe with me.”

It was mental abuse. And considering how horribly wrong bullies are portrayed in guidance class videos (and Dhar Mann), I never picked up on it until three years later. I never had a clue that this friend was actually a bully. Because she didn’t show any of the signs of a fictional one. The kind that manipulated you into thinking they were on your side.

And then the THING happened.

The reason why I cut off my writing from the world for so long.

There was a writing project. We all had to write a fictional book.

This was my time to shine and I went full force l on this project. In my element. In the moment every single step of the way.

The other kids wrote a Minecraft story. I wrote a solely original fantasy about fairies and colonialism that dealt with equality issues through magic.

I distinctly remember being the last one to present to the class. I put up this dramatic narration while doing it. Be being wholeheartedly confident for the first time in front of my classmates. And everyone seemed to love it to pieces.

It was so loved that my teacher elected me as a representative in the school to have the story presented in a citywide fair.

Next to no one got something like that from what I heard.

I was even elected ‘best writer’ at the end of the year. When we were giving out rewards on who was the most of what.

It would’ve been great. I had never been that popular before. I was getting rewarded for something I loved and was proud of. My parents thought I was going to become successful with my writing.

And then my ‘friend’ had something to say about it.

Recess. Right after I got the reward news.

What did she do? Did she say what she always said? “I know you don’t deserve it” Some quiet gaslight like that?

No.

She strangled me.

Grabbed me by the neck and shoved me into a tree, screaming in my face “WHY ARE YOU SUCH A HACK?!?” “YOU DONT DESERVE THIS AT ALL!!” “EVERYONES A MORON FOR NOT SEEING THROUGH YOUR EVIL TRICKS! I DO THOUGH!!” “YOURE A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR WRITING THAT!” “YOU WILL BE HATED BY EVERYONE IF YOU KEEP WRITING SO STOP WRITING!!”

Having it hard to breathe was one thing. My mental state was the real thing that got strangled out. So yeah, I got beaten up.

NOBODY did anything about it btw. They all ignored us. No one said anything to the teachers. They did nothing. She completely got away with it.

She drilled it into my head, by force, that I was a hack of a writer who would never have an original idea in her life, and everyone would despise me if I became a writer.

I believed it.

I still don’t know why I put up with her after that. I didn’t catch on till three years later that she was the one in the wrong. Gosh I’m stupid.

I shut down after that. I stopped showing anyone my writing. I avoided writing in public at all costs. I tried avoiding showing anyone my writing ever again. Even if it meant I got a failing grade. I would fail writing classes on purpose just to avoid the humiliation she lied about.

As for the reward? I don’t have the medal anymore. Or the book. That’s why it’s not published in stores from my knowledge. I threw both of them away after the ceremony. Ashamed. Disgusted by myself.

Not kidding, I spent that whole Christmas Break rewriting the entire story from shame alone.

My parents were so confused because I never told them what happened. I mean, I could’ve been successful at something I was proud of, go on to bigger things and achievements. But instead I threw it all away.

And my classmates too turned on me when I decided not to write anymore. Bully target.

From then on I stayed with the ‘friend’. I stayed her right hand. I would constantly tell everyone,

“I can’t write” “I can’t write”

Over and over again.

I still wrote. But it was a secret.

It got to the point where I just decided ‘I’d rather embrace the anxious shy weird girl than be confident’, and just embraced the full stereotype. Someone who would react to anything and scream at anything. Then when I got sick of that around my adolescence I decided I couldn’t cry anymore, those screams were anxiety AND anger towards anyone who pushed my buttons. I was the bully target till Covid. And few helped me because they all hated me. I was a very hot tempered hypocritical person who never shut up or stopped and only could when attacked by panic. On the last day before quarantine, everyone was joking about Covid and saying it was the best thing to ever happen, even the teacher, and I got mad, and everyone else kicked me out of class early. “Good riddance. No one will miss you.”

I was the nasty person. I was someone who couldn’t be sympathized. I was the bully. Not her.

And no one there does. Because I ended up moving again and never seeing them again.

As for what happened to that ‘friend’? It was kind of a distance thing that broke us apart rather than me ever standing up for myself in any way. So technically, she won.

From what I heard now she’s hooked on drugs. And my only reaction when I heard it was ‘Sad. Not my problem though.’

I don’t know if that’s heartless to not bring myself to care or not.

I can’t tell you if any of this classifies as PTSD or just classic trauma. Im not a therapist.

Then in my sophomore year of high school, I accidentally got one of my books leaked to my English teacher. Technology.

It was a book I wrote during quarantine, where I could just be myself and no one to harass me. (It’s also rewritten on Ao3 on my account if you’re curious)

I was ready to apologize for the error, but instead my teacher said that she loved it. And she questioned why I never mentioned I was ‘quite the talented writer’. We had a meeting and I told her the truth and why I kept it a secret. I even went on and on about how I believed I was a hack. Then she opened my eyes that I was not the one in the wrong in that situation. That I was not a hack and there was definition proof that I wasn’t. So I got booked to creative writing class when I went back to school, which I hesitantly accepted.

A few years later I would start my social media presence to try and get my writing off the ground. As I was trying hard to overcome my trauma and get my confidence back.

It didn’t work out. Cause no one reads original stuff anymore. And no one knew me. So yeah, I got nothing. So I tried joining fandoms instead, of shows I watched during quarantine, one of them being Total Drama. I tried making essays about my thoughts on stuff and slowly I got around to a hundred followers. Over that at the time of this post.

Then I got the crazy idea to try fanfiction for the first time. (Yes. Straight up. I never wrote fanfiction before that.) So I took a popular fanfic premise from the Total Drama community and decided ‘I’m going to try that. No one will read it though, so it’s fine if it’s bad.’

And well, look at where the fic is now. I was wrong. SO WRONG.

This is my most popular work ever. It’s very rare that I see any fanfic get over ten thousand views, let alone before it’s finished. Not only that, but I see many people online sharing their thoughts on the story and saying ‘this is no contest the best version of this fanfic premise and people need to see it’ ‘please see this it’s so good’ ‘when is it going to get updated’?!

And just… I NEVER imagined. I never imagined anyone would even CARE. Let alone to THIS height. I just… I can’t…

My parents still think I threw my writing passions away. They don’t support it anymore unless it’s a ‘positive happy go lucky story’. “You can’t be a writer. You can’t make a career out of fine arts. Or theater arts. Be a scientist. Be a meteorologist. Write facts for news.”

I can’t express enough how much this milestone truly means to me. Like, I actually did it. I can write something and have it get peoples attention, and people CARE. They actually CARE. And I’m so sorry I can’t live up to your standards and finish it faster and you have to wait another year for it to be completed-

I’m not editing this. I’m just rambling with text. It’s what I do. Those who follow me know this is who I am.

So just…

This has been a huge year for me. I graduated this year. I got a job. I’m working now. And I got this as icing on the cake for this year.

Seriously. Thank you for 10,000 views on Total Drama Danganronpa Island

[my-castles-crumbling]

hello hello,

sorry bc this is a bit long and I got a bit carried away

But basically all my life i thought my home life was super great but looking back on it, it was nice but some slightly (only slightly) questionable stuff [I want to clarify that it’s nothing physical but some of it was a little bit fucked up like I have one stand out memory but also I may have made it up bc idk sometimes I’m super sure it happened and sometimes I’m not] went down and now i notice more and more my parents making sexist/homophobic/transphobic jokes and offhand comments and then getting annoyed and yelling at me whenever I try and tell them they’re wrong. I also sort of noticed that they’re a bit too pushy and invasive of my privacy [especially my mother who loves to offload her problems onto me and has since I was pretty small and would just barge into my room at any time and tell me about them and I understand communication is important in families but I don’t think 9 is a good age for your mother to regularly be crying to you about how suicidal she feels but she always acted like it was a good thing so I assumed it was too idk] and it’s like half the time they treat me like I’m way younger than I am [late teen] and the other half of the time it’s like they expect me to be a mature adult and like I just want to be my actual age yk but I can’t and tbh I don’t even know how to go about doing that now bc I feel like I’ve sort of been stifled and the thing is I’m not sure how I should actually be feeling about the whole thing because I don’t think they’re actually really bad people [my parents] and I end up feeling guilty about the fact that I just don’t want to talk to them anymore [especially my mum] and like ik people who have way worse home lives than me and I feel like it’s being a bit selfish to complain bc sure they make problematic jokes but I don’t think they’d necessarily treat me worse if I came out [non-binary and pan] but also I don’t think they’d be that great about it like my brother came out as bi and they were like ok but then one time when he was away they were talking about ‘if he gets a girlfriend’ and I said ‘or a boyfriend bc he’s bi’ and they were like ��yeah he’s bi but he’s only ever really shown interest in girls so we doubt he’s actually bi but I mean if he got a boyfriend we’d be fine with it’ and I was like on the one hand like it could be worse but it still didn’t sit right with me that they just casually assumed he was lying about it even tho he’d literally come out…

also I sort of don’t even want to come out atp to them I just want to sort of quietly cut ties or distance myself

so I sort of tried to do that [as much as I can yk being still a minor and living at home] but now I’ve got my mum not so subtly idk tryna guilt trip me. Like she’ll say shit about how I used to talk to her and now I never do and like there’s a fucking reason [I now actually have friends who I realised I feel way more comfortable around] but ok

Like a while back she came to my room and tried to do the usual complaining thing about how she’s v depressed and all and I tried to respectfully tell her she needs therapy and she got super upset with me and started crying and stormed out my room and then she came back later and tried again and I told her like as nicely as I could that I can’t handle this bc I am just a kid yk as nice as possible I cannot handle my shit let alone yours like my mental health is not great rn and like I want to be there for the ppl in my life not feeling good but also like she’s been doing this since I was pretty small and there’s literally no way I can really support her except spending more time with her maybe but then that’s bad for my mental health especially bc she’ll do offhand shit that she knows I don’t like [like I have sensory issues bc I’m neurodivergent and having a hand put on my shoulder for some reason I just ugh it’s the worst - and ever since she noticed that I would pull away she’s started doing it more and every time I pull away she makes jokes about how she must have ‘a disease or something’ and just UGH sorry it infuriates me]

so basically [sorry for the suuuper long ask] I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, like do I try and remedy the relationship with my parents [but especially my mum] or do I just sort of keep going like this till I’m at uni or what?

again sorry this is way too long

Hi love! First of all, I wanna give a TW to people reading:

TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts

Okay, I'm gonna take this one section at a time:

But basically all my life i thought my home life was super great but looking back on it, it was nice but some slightly (only slightly) questionable stuff [I want to clarify that it’s nothing physical but some of it was a little bit fucked up like I have one stand out memory but also I may have made it up bc idk sometimes I’m super sure it happened and sometimes I’m not]

Okay chances are you're not making it up. Thinking you're making it up is a super common symptom of guilt trips and gaslighting. If you think it happened...it probably did.

went down and now i notice more and more my parents making sexist/homophobic/transphobic jokes and offhand comments and then getting annoyed and yelling at me whenever I try and tell them they’re wrong.

This is NOT okay of them. They're being disrespectful.

I also sort of noticed that they’re a bit too pushy and invasive of my privacy [especially my mother who loves to offload her problems onto me and has since I was pretty small and would just barge into my room at any time and tell me about them and I understand communication is important in families but I don’t think 9 is a good age for your mother to regularly be crying to you about how suicidal she feels but she always acted like it was a good thing so I assumed it was too idk]

Uhm hi hello hi. NO. No no no. This is NOT okay. Parents do NOT tell their children about their suicidal feelings. Absolutely not. This is a classic example of parentification. You, even as a teenager, are the CHILD. You are NOT responsible for your parents, and you should not feel any sort of pressure to help with their wellbeing. Nope.

and it’s like half the time they treat me like I’m way younger than I am [late teen] and the other half of the time it’s like they expect me to be a mature adult and like I just want to be my actual age yk but I can’t and tbh I don’t even know how to go about doing that now bc I feel like I’ve sort of been stifled and the thing is I’m not sure how I should actually be feeling about the whole thing

yup. parentification. You've been expected to take on the role of a parent when convenient and act like a child when convenient. this is not okay and you're absolutely right to feel weird and bad and resentful about it.

because I don’t think they’re actually really bad people [my parents]

And here's the thing: that can also be true. A lot of times, parents can both love you/be good people AND unintentionally be hurtful. But in a way, that can be even more difficult because like...how do you explain to someone who thinks they're not being hurtful that they ARE?

and I end up feeling guilty about the fact that I just don’t want to talk to them anymore [especially my mum] and like ik people who have way worse home lives than me and I feel like it’s being a bit selfish to complain bc sure they make problematic jokes but I don’t think they’d necessarily treat me worse if I came out [non-binary and pan] but also I don’t think they’d be that great about it like my brother came out as bi and they were like ok but then one time when he was away they were talking about ‘if he gets a girlfriend’ and I said ‘or a boyfriend bc he’s bi’ and they were like ‘yeah he’s bi but he’s only ever really shown interest in girls so we doubt he’s actually bi but I mean if he got a boyfriend we’d be fine with it’ and I was like on the one hand like it could be worse but it still didn’t sit right with me that they just casually assumed he was lying about it even tho he’d literally come out… also I sort of don’t even want to come out atp to them I just want to sort of quietly cut ties or distance myself so I sort of tried to do that [as much as I can yk being still a minor and living at home] but now I’ve got my mum not so subtly idk tryna guilt trip me. Like she’ll say shit about how I used to talk to her and now I never do and like there’s a fucking reason [I now actually have friends who I realised I feel way more comfortable around] but ok Like a while back she came to my room and tried to do the usual complaining thing about how she’s v depressed and all and I tried to respectfully tell her she needs therapy and she got super upset with me and started crying and stormed out my room and then she came back later and tried again and I told her like as nicely as I could that I can’t handle this bc I am just a kid yk as nice as possible I cannot handle my shit let alone yours like my mental health is not great rn and like I want to be there for the ppl in my life not feeling good but also like she’s been doing this since I was pretty small and there’s literally no way I can really support her except spending more time with her maybe but then that’s bad for my mental health especially bc she’ll do offhand shit that she knows I don’t like [like I have sensory issues bc I’m neurodivergent and having a hand put on my shoulder for some reason I just ugh it’s the worst - and ever since she noticed that I would pull away she’s started doing it more and every time I pull away she makes jokes about how she must have ‘a disease or something’ and just UGH sorry it infuriates me]

This is what I'm saying: it's super difficult to convince someone they're being hurtful when they truly think they aren't. Trust me, my mother is the same way. But you aren't wrong for wanting to distance yourself. Also, don't compare yourself to other people. You have a DIFFERENT home life, not necessarily a better or worse one.

so basically [sorry for the suuuper long ask] I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, like do I try and remedy the relationship with my parents [but especially my mum] or do I just sort of keep going like this till I’m at uni or what? again sorry this is way too long

Don't be sorry! I guess the first thing I'd say is, all of your feelings are valid, and this sounds super difficult. I'm sorry you have to go through it <3. Here's the thing: You are right. There are some things going on in your house that aren't okay. But the reality is, your mom doesn't seem to be willing to hear your opinion about changing them. SO, where do you go from here?

I think the two major things I've had to learn with my (very similar) mother is:

Set boundaries and stick to them. If she's dumping on you and you can't handle it, tell her it's not okay. Keep politely telling her this. There is NOTHING WRONG with doing this, even if she tells you otherwise.

Take what you can get, but don't get your hopes up. Does she want to take you out to lunch? Great. She wants to hang out after school? Awesome. But don't...rely on her to be more than she is.

If you're able to do these two things in a healthy way, this might be your best bet until you turn of age and you're able to reevaluate if you want a long-term relationship or not. But honestly, if you're financially dependent on her, separating from her completely might not be the best idea if you are safe.

The ONLY thing that makes me nervous about this whole situation is your mention of your mom's suicidal thoughts, so I'll leave you with this:

if your mom is scaring you with the way she is talking, call the authorities. You are a minor, and you should NEVER have to deal with that on your own.

No matter what happens, no matter WHAT your mom does, no matter what you do or don't say/do or don't do, your mother's decisions are her own. Nothing she does is your fault.

If you feel comfortable, please DM me! I'm being genuine when I say our moms sound similar, and I would love to talk more <3

P.s. I just want to say that, you are SO smart, as a teenager, to realize that this behavior is not okay. Good for you <3

[troglobite]

it’s really fucking hard (impossible) to have any kind of healthy reflection or growth when every time you try and be an honest & straightforward adult in a conversation, & try to be like “well, here are my feelings, but i get it, that doesn’t change anything. you asked, and i don’t want to lie or dump things on you, so here’s my answer”

only to be met w some of the guilt tripping passive aggressive manipulative shit that completely turns it around and blames it on you

and then it’s like

“....was what i said/did terrible? am i being unreasonable?”

i legitimately just can’t fucking tell anymore

every time i think i’ve made some kind of step of handling my feelings & situations on my own, every time i think there’s been progress in our relationship where we know and respect boundaries and needs, i’m wrong. 

and i’m sick of being wrong

and i’m sick of being paranoid and anxious that i’m always the idiot who’s not in the loop or in on the joke, who’s having something kept from them

i fucking hate it

i’m so tired

i’m trying so fucking hard to grow and be a decent person

and my life rn is literally: jobless, isolated at home until the pandemic is actually over, at LEAST three new medical diagnoses one of which is kind of scary just bc of what kind of meds i might have to take, fascism is on the rise, lgbtq people are getting murdered basically every day, and i have no independence or mobility on my own bc i am running out of money because again i do not have a fucking job and i CANNOT GET ONE BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC

i made so much progress in my life & was continuing on, and then the pandemic hit, &i’ve been gutpunched back so much and it FUCKING SUCKS.

and despite that, despite the fact that my base level anxiety is SO FUCKING HIGH that i CAN BARELY FUNCTION

i am trying to be a functional person in this relationship as much as i can

and instead of getting any grace or compassion or understanding or being met even halfway, i get blamed and gaslit and manipulated and guilted and all of this passive aggression

and i’m not trying to say she’s the villain here

but it’s impossible to NOT frame it that way

bc i am fucking trying and she appears to not be trying at all

and it hurts

it hurts to feel like you’re not worth any effort

you’re not worth listening to or respecting

you’re not worth the concern or consideration

i don’t get to be a part of any decisions

and it hurts, too, every time we’re watching tv and some parent on whatever we’re watching says “you stop living your life when you have kids. everything becomes about them. you do everything for them.”

and she just goes

“YEP”

it makes me wish i was dead

i don’t understand any world where that wouldn’t make me wish that

and she does it. all the fucking time.

so i’m sure to her, me not wanting her to do things THAT ARE UNDULY RISKY AND FUCKING DEADLY DURING A FUCKING PANDEMIC somehow seems to her like a fully grown kid demanding “more” of her bc i’m “selfish”

if there was no pandemic, i would never in a million years ask her not to go (which i didn’t even DO this time) or be AS SCARED as i am rn

but i guess that doesn’t matter

no matter how many conversations we have together abt how batshit other ppl are being abt the pandemic

she still does shit like this

and it’s like

no, i’m truly alone on this

literally no one in my life is like this

my friend of 16 years, who was great to talk to, even asked me

“what’s your limit?” wrt the pandemic

and i’m like

bro i just found out i have an autoimmune disorder. also i have access to information abt covid that you don’t bc our govt and media are failing us, on purpose.

my limit is when i won’t get covid anywhere i go

my limit is ZERO RISK

and that’s not stupid. it’s not. that’s a perfectly normal healthy perspective that our government SHOULD HAVE HAD.

this is terrifying and isolating and i just don’t even know what the fuck to do. 

[saintheartwing]

So, About The Owl House Finale...

Let me make something clear. I’m a Catholic and I’m happy with that being part of my identity, and Catholics believe VERY much in the power of guilt because we believe in the power of forgiveness and redemption. We WANT to believe people can see the road they’re on, see the damage they’ve done, and understand that they can make amends and become better. That if you’re truly SINCERE, you can be forgiven. But it’s not just a matter of wanting it. You need to prove you’re willing to EARN it. Think back to that guy who goes to Jesus and says “I’m willing to follow you anywhere” and Jesus is “Okay, sure. Just go sell all your possessions”...and the guy walks off dejectedly.

You just SAID you were willing to follow him anywhere. But you clearly didn’t mean it if you’re all depressed about being poor even if you’re walking alongside God himself. So you weren’t sincere. Sorry. 

That same lesson of sincerity applies to the Owl House. And yeah...spoilers under the cut here.

Even in the second third season episode we see Belos clearly being haunted by his brother Caleb’s ghost who’s looking at him hauntingly and rather accusingly. The message is clear. But Belos isn’t letting it sink in. He’s refusing to even REMOTELY acknowledge what he’s doing is wrong at all, or even ENTERTAIN it in the slightest. When Luz pointed out in the second season, and I quote, “You are SUCH a hypocrite! You talk about keeping humanity safe but you’re BARELY human!”  And she’s right. He IS a massive hypocrite. 

He doesn’t GENUINELY care about helping others or keeping humans safe, cuz if he DID care about keeping humanity safe from dangerous witches and magic, he would have focused on just shutting down all entrances TO the Boiling Isles from the Human World. He wouldn’t try to go back TO the Boiling Isles, considering the Collector’s there and going wild and everyone back there’s probably doomed and not going to the human world ANYTIME soon. But he just wanted to kill them all cuz he can’t get out of his mindset of “witches and magic bad” even after literal YEARS of being shown that’s not necessarily true. Even killing his own brother who’d evidently MARRIED a witch and was all “Hey look, they’re not actually that bad here, let me just talk with you about them...” 

So he had LOTS of chances and blew it.

Then we get to the Collector. The Collector doesn’t understand, like Belos, how life REALLY is. How things ACTUALLY work. But HIS is a lack of understanding of death. He doesn’t get that basically, death is IT for mortals. Once you’re gone, you can’t return. When he DOES realize this, he takes things more seriously. On top of that, he approached the Boiling Isles’s world with an open mind and heart. He just wanted to have fun and play and when the Titans were welcoming, he was in turn nice to them. It only went wrong cuz his siblings found out “Oh shit, THEIR magic cancels ours, we gotta kill them before they kill us”.  Belos had his mind and heart closed the whole time. The Collector is approachable. He’s not too far gone. He’s still young enough to have his mind changed and a decent person at his core who just wants real friends. He’s redeemable, he’s worthy of kindness and forgiveness because he doesn’t actually WANT to hurt people, doesn’t realize what he does CAN hurt them, and when he sees he HAS hurt people, tries to make things right and save lives.

He does everything you could reasonably ask somebody to do. He proves he deserves mercy. 

Even in his FINAL moments Belos doesn’t even BEG FOR MERCY right. He doesn’t say he’s sorry. He doesn’t say he was wrong. He doesn’t take accountability in the slightest. He first tries to LIE and say “Oh I was under an evil curse, you freed me”. Luz clearly isn’t buying it...

as it starts to rain. And, well...the Boiling Isles rain is BOILING. His transformed body begins to get burned away, he’s meeeeelting. Meeeeelting. What a world! What a world! 

THEN the jerk tries to GUILT TRIP her into saving him. “You let me die you’ll be just as bad, just as conniving, and just as evil as those witches! We’re human! We’re supposed to be better than this!”

The SHEER NERVE. 

THE AUDACITY.

You stopped being human freakin’ centuries ago, you literal slime. And THIS is the moment King, Raine and Eda pop up. Yes. A human IS supposed to conduct themselves with a level of integrity, and decency, and compassion. A human being probably would be expected to show mercy.

They, however...are not human. 

Supposed to be better than this? “Well WE ain’t!”

And then they give Belos the boot.

Literally.

“That was EXTREMELY satisfying!” “Ew! It’s on my claws!”

Very few things I could ask more from this special. Especially the really sweet credits scene I won’t spoil for you. The whole episode is available for free on Youtube, you’ve got no reason or excuse to not watch it, so please, go see it, folks. You’ll love it. 

[061801]

There’s a ton going on in my life rn but today I guess I wanna discuss one friend I have that irritates my soullllll. Friend is kindof bold to call her cuz I only ever hung out with her when I was in a bad spot in my life so I’ve tried to help her grow with me and she’s just a victim. There’s always something significantly wrong. She’s just not a hard working person, she expects hand outs, she constantly guilt trips people to get what she wants without working for it. Ever since she has a kid, she’ll beg for money and now her excuse is oh they need baby formula or they need diapers. I am pretty sure I’ve wrote about this before but her bf even texts me and told me about their shopping spree at the mall like oh I just sent u like $60? That’s hilarious. I haven’t been giving her money anymore except one time I gave her $10 cuz her bf finally got a job and said he’d pay me back when he got paid. Well like 2 weeks go by and at this point I’m like oh well I’m not getting this back unless I actually ask. And honestly it’s the principle at this point. I was testing her to see if she could manage to give me my money back for the first time after me just handing it to her cuz she knows I never ask for it back. She didn’t give me attitude cuz I think she knows that she can’t but I know she wanted to like how dare you ask for $10 it’s just $10 like ya … u can’t even afford $10 so u need it from me. They didn’t say that but I know how they think and I already KNOW they were salty about me getting $10 back. I don’t need it back but it’s the sake of u just expect me to give u everything and not have to do anything for it and I’m sick of it so I held her accountable. Wasn’t actually concerned about the money just wanted to see if she’d actually pay me back and she tried telling me her bf already sent it when he didn’t. And didn’t argue with me but was like hmmm pretty sure he did and I’m like no there’s nothing in my bank and she’s like oh I’ll talk to him. So she tries pulling another poor me about her back hurting and then she’s in the hospital. I obviously feel for my friends in the hospital, and I hope she’s okay. But it’s just one thing after the other and I’m sick of consulting her over self inflicted issues like at what point are you gunna grow up and stop thriving off people giving you sympathy for things you can literally prevent. She definitely thinks I’m being a dick right now cuz I’m distant and I’m not up her ass asking her if she’s ok at the hospital like ur fine, you’ve done this before. I’m sorry I know things happen but I really can’t justify how you know you’re financially unstable and keep your kid when u know ur gunna be asking for hand outs more than you already do cuz u don’t wanna put in the hard work for yourself you just want everyone to give a piece of their hardworking money to you while u do nothing. She sends me a message and she’s like “I’m bored please come visit me :’(“ like I’m sorry I’m done dropping shit to console you over multiple issues throughout the week when it’s just one thing after another. Like get a grip and take care of yourself. I’m still learning that too but I’m trying to upgrade myself while ur holding me back complaining about dumb ass problems. I swear people put themselves in situations just to bitch about