#and then I've spent hours not doing anything I meant to and mostly just feel like shit because of it and it keeps happening

[thethingything]

I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again

[wolfjackle-creates]

Hi!! I haven't been on Tumblr for a while but I used to read a fic you made out of a prompt (?) Someone else made about Danny who freaked out when he realized the Waynes are the Bats and accidentally shot Bruce(?) And if I'm not mistaken you made a part 2 of it (idr remember if it was a wip or finished) but do you have a masterlist so I can re-read it :D? So sorry if I sound weird (´⌒｀;)

It is absolutely never weird to ask an author about their works!!!! Thanks so much for sending this in.

It's been ages since I've worked on this one, but it's definitely on my short list to get back to. Especially since I'm pretty close to having it finished?

Here's chapter 1 on AO3. And the Subscription Post.

Chapter 2 is limited to Tumblr right now, only two parts currently. Part 1 can be found here.

Currently it's called Want to Hold on and Feel I Belong. However, when I do start updating on AO3 again, I plan to change the name. (I'm just waiting so people who have subscribed are more likely to remember what they're getting an email about.) Mostly I refer to it as my Bad Reveal AU. Though I get that's not a great working name as that's usually reserved for the Fenton parents reacting badly rather than Danny reacting badly.

Also, as a thanks for reminding me that it's been a while since I've posted anything about this fic (or, well, in general), have the next bit!

Here's a random 1.5k.

Previous

-----

Having a potential lead so close meant the hours until J’onn’s arrival were spent in prep mode.

Every uniform had to be checked for the slightest damage and upgrades done where possible. Supplies and go-bags were organized so they could leave the moment they had a lead. Fuel levels in every vehicle were checked and topped off where necessary.

And finally, the zeta tube activated and J’onn stepped out. “Good day to all of you. I heard my assistance was needed?”

Bruce went to greet him. “J’onn. Danny’s room is upstairs. Did Clark explain the situation?”

“Yes. He said that your newest ward has density shifting powers and left things behind in his walls and floor before running away a few days ago.”

Bruce nodded sharply. “Follow me. Clark will show you where the items are hidden so you can retrieve them.”

Dick happily zipped up what felt like the hundredth bag he’d had to pack and joined them. “Hey, J’onn. Welcome. How have you been?”

“Greetings, Dick. It has been a long time since our last meeting. I have been well. I want to wish you luck in finding your brother swiftly and easily.”

Dick nodded his thanks. “Same. We’re really hoping he left behind something to help because we haven’t had much luck so far.” Dick pulled out his phone and notified the family of J’onn’s arrival and requested they meet in Danny’s room.

On the way, Bruce and Dick filled J’onn in on the situation. At the implication of government experimentation, he face went hard and he vowed he would help them however he could.

Clark, Jason, and Alfred were already there when the group arrived and the rest weren’t far behind. With everyone present, the room felt crowded.

“Where should I start?” J’onn asked Clark.

“Behind the NASA poster. I think that’s where he keeps the weapons. One of them is an object that looks like it might be the same as, or at least similar to, the weapon that shot Bruce.”

Under Clark’s direction, J’onn removed not just two more energy guns, but also a glowing-green net, a boomerang, a tube of lipstick, what looked like a weird, high-tech thermos, and a wooden baseball bat with a sticker that said “Fenton” on it.

Dick couldn’t help but whistle at the pile. “Damn, he was packing all this?”

“Apparently,” said Damian. But Dick could tell his youngest brother was impressed and mentally reassessing his beliefs of Danny. “Perhaps he is not as helpless as I previously believed.”

“Why’s he got lipstick?” asked Steph as she picked up the tube.

“Don’t!” ordered Bruce even as she opened it and released a laser beam that left a small scorch mark on the ceiling.

She stared in shock before laughing. “Oh, damn! When he comes back, I’m so asking if he could get me one of these. That’s so cool!”

“Can I see that?” asked Barbara.

“Wait until we’re in the cave,” said Bruce with a sigh. Both women grinned at him.

Dick reached down and grabbed the net. Despite the color, it seemed normal enough, maybe a little smoother than most rope he’d handled. He pulled out a pocket knife and was able to slice through one of the ropes easily enough. Jason came over to look at it with him.

“Anything weird about it?” he asked as he reached out to touch it. “Huh, that’s odd.”

“What’s odd about it? Seems pretty normal to me.”

“It just… It feels weird. It almost hurts to touch.” When Dick looked at him sharply, Jason quickly added, “It doesn’t hurt, but it feels like it should. If that makes sense.”

“Feels normal to me.” Dick showed him the break he’d made.

Jason shrugged. “Dunno, then. I just get a weird feeling from it.”

Damian picked up the energy gun, Tim the thermos, and Duke the boomerang when Alfred cleared his throat.

“Before we get distracted, might I remind you that there is more to find? We can bring everything down to the cave to examine them with no more damage to Master Danny’s room.”

Everyone sheepishly put down the things they were holding. Dick bit back a laugh when he noticed Clark push the baseball bat away from himself with his foot.

“So, J’onn,” Clark said. “I think the next area of interest is behind this poster.” He gestured at a poster of the horsehead nebula. Dick had helped Danny find it and hang it up and the kid had talked about nebulae for over an hour as they did. The memory caused his eyes to burn.

From this stash, J’onn pulled some notebooks and two external hard drives, which Barbara took. Dick and Bruce both grabbed a notebook. Dick opened his to the first page.

Journaling is such a stupid idea. I don’t have any time for it but Jazz says I need to get my feelings out. Pointless. So what if I can’t sleep and Skulker attacked me again today during English getting me another detention. Its not my fault! Shit, haven’t done that essay for Lancer. If I miss any more assignments he’s gonna fail me for real.

Everyone knew Danny had been failing before he’d been brought to them, but he’d refused to discuss why. Once he was in school in Gotham, he’d gotten straight A’s. Even if he did ask for the occasional help in English from Jason.

But this raised so many questions. Who was Skulker and why were they attacking Dick’s little brother during English class. He flipped through the pages. Interspersed between journal entries were drawings of schematics. Dick thought he recognized some of the designs as the weapons they’d uncovered.

His eyes caught on an entry that started with a string of curses.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. My parents saw Dani today. In ghost form. They actually managed to hit her. Only her second visit and I couldn’t keep her safe. Some big brother dad cousin whatever I am. I did get her to the Far Frozen. Frostbite fixed her up. Taught me what to do if it happens again, too. And gave me the medicines and supplies to do it. I’m so glad I have friends in the Zone now. It makes it so much easier. I can’t get the image of Dani’s blood staining my hands out of my mind. Going to Tuck’s tonight. I can’t be around my parents right now.

Stomach dropping, he flipped a few more pages until he found one with a photo. It was a grinning Danny with white hair and wearing a jumpsuit standing on a curved balcony. Behind him, spire buildings rose into the air, many rounded in a way not often found on Earth.

Clockwork took me to Mars today! Holy shit it is so cool. Just, everything. We went back to when they were thriving and I had to stop an invasion. But that’s not important. Everyone here can go intangible despite being alive. Some of their buildings don’t even have doors because they’d be pointless! And the plants and animals are all so different, too. Clockwork helped me find some books on Martian history and biology and evolution. He’s also gonna show me where the Martians exist in the Zone so I can learn their language. Maybe one day I can go to Krypton or Tamaran as well?

Dick stared back at the picture. It did have that distinctive feel of wrong that extraterrestrial landscapes always had. He swallowed. “Uh, J’onn?”

“Yes, Dick?”

“Um, Danny. This is his journal. He said he went to Mars. Before… Just, before. He’s got a picture. Is this real?” He handed the photo to J’onn who hesitated a moment before taking it.

J’onn froze as he stared at the simple image. “I… Yes. This is my home. How…?”

Dick shrugged and wished he had an answer for the last of the Martians. “Someone called Clockwork brought him there apparently. To stop some sort of invasion? He didn’t discuss that much. He was too interested in the planet and people to talk about what he did. He was hoping to visit Krypton and Tamaran, too. Also said something about Martians existing somewhere he called the Zone. He wanted to meet them to learn the language.”

The look on J’onn’s face at the mention of other Martians existing somewhere was heartbreaking. Maybe Dick shouldn’t have said anything? When Danny came home, would he maybe want to talk to J’onn about Mars?

With clear reluctance, J’onn handed the picture back. “This is your brother in the photo?”

“Yeah. I mean, Danny usually has black hair and blue eyes, but that’s him. Do you recognize him?”

J’onn nodded. “Of course. He is the Omen. His coming foretells death and destruction which he will then try to avert. I know what invasion he is speaking of, it is, was, taught in our history books. He saved all of Mars that day. We thought him a god.”

Dick’s mouth fell open. His little brother? A god?

-----

Did you enjoy your little surprise update tonight? Let me know what you think!

[sameschmidtdiffname]

Lapses

Billy x Gender Neutral! Reader

Summery: In the wake of death our minds begin to wander. To better times, to little moments. Reality is so fickle in the minds of the weak. But he's coming back. Eventually.

Tags: No use of Y/N, hurt/no comfort, set mostly during the nine months Reader spent grieving before Billy returned in 'My Ghost,' disassociation, distorted reality, death, references to 'Twin Peaks' (1992).

Previous Works in Series: 'My Ghost' (original) • 'Repentance' (prequel)

Warning: You should at minimum read 'My Ghost' before reading this work in the series first. (For best reading experience, please read both previous works beforehand.)

Notes: :)

-¤°》◇《°¤-

Down comes clumps of wet snow from the grey sky, falling.

                And falling.

                         And falling.

I don't know when I wake up.

The TV has been on for hours. Flashing the same photos.

He smiled at me from across the room.

Don't think. Don't perceive. Don't focus.

"I think you look pretty with your hair like that," I told him. His cheeks are so rosy when he smiles.

Smiled.

Why is he smiling?

Where is that photo even from? Have they contacted me with any new details? Check your email.

"Is the internet working? I can't get this fucking email to go through."

He left on an errand.

"Did the auto-payment go through for the bill?"

He's coming back.

"You didn't tell me that was due, I don't have anything on the account."

He's coming back.

"You don't have anything?"

He's coming back.

"I don't have anything."

What are you supposed to do after a death?

There's no guide. There's no instruction manual. Grieve, move on. That's it. That is all we know. How am I supposed to do the second if the general public disapproves so heavily of the first?

There's a long while I don't even leave my house. I lock the doors, shut the curtains tight and nail them to the walls so he can't leave. Like he's captured in my basement, wilting in the darkness as I try to preserve his voice ringing in my ears like the sirens on the TV I eventually break when I throw the remote at it in a fit of rage and desperation.

"It's a piece of shit anyways," Billy would say when he saw it again. "I always meant to buy us a new one."

First thing I did when I found out was rip open my nightstand drawer. "William, have you ever shot a man?" I ask, bolting upright as I wipe the crust from my eyes.

"What the fuck did you do? What the fuck did you do?" I whispered under my breath. "Where the fuck is the gun?in my nightstand. And if I don't get some sleep soon, I'm going to use it. I haven't before, but I can't imagine it's hard."

I tore the house apart looking for it. He's unwell. Wasn't it just last night he was curled on my bed, so sweet and small as he stared at the wall in front of him?

He didn't feel well. He said his stomach hurts. My stomach hurts. Must have been something he ate, he mentioned a mistake. He wouldn't do this of his own free will, I know him.

He walks through the living room, pulling on a jacket to fight the cold air that seeps through the thin windows.

"Whatcha watching?"

Your report "'Twin Peaks,'" I told him.

"Oh shit, seriously? I haven't seen that since high school," he laugh'sowhodoicallabouttheremains?"

"Apparently they came out with a new season," I said. "Got us a free trial if we wanna watch."

"We gotta start from the beginning. Won't make sense if we don't," he says as he throws himself and one other dead thus far against the couch, almost landing on top of me in his excitement. It makes me scream.

Our first date was a little bit of a mess. I wasn't really expecting to meet someone when I did. But I met him. And he was sweet.

"So he didn't tell you anything about this?"

I've dated. I've seen a few guys. Not to sound easy, it was only a handful. But I'd only dated one other guy seriously. It was high school, lasted all the way through. Didn't end well.

"He was running an errand. He does it all of the time."

Billy picked me up fifteen minutes early. Claimed Google overshot the time estimate to my address, so he left early. Later he admitted it was a lie.

                                   But he's not a liar. Why won't anyone believe me?

"What does he do on the errands?"

"I don't know, get groceries or something. I never asked."

                         I never wanted to know.

Billy hasd this romantic side to him. Oh yes, Mister 'Primps and Primes in Front of The Mirror For an Hour Just To Get Drinks' had a flare for the dramatics. Who would have thought? And he showed up with this grocery store bouquet of lilies and baby's breath mixed with wildflowers from the local park.

"They price the hell out of these things for half the product. Figured I'd give you the proper amount," he said with a wink.

"Did you know he was affiliated with gang activities?"

"No!" Yes. "Of course not!" I helped him pack a bag of coke about a week ago.

Did you know that I love the color blue?

                                                                        No.

Mm hmm. Had it on everything. Even dyed my hair that color in high school.

      You with blue hair? You're full of shit.

No, I'm serious! Hated the bleaching process though. Do you know how bad it looks when you grow out dark hair from neon blue?

                          I imagine It'd look co-

Ld.

                              It's cold.

It's been a week. The police have decided I have nothing to do with this. The town has nothing to do with me.

The house is in shambles. But some things are prestine. Like his ashtray sitting on the kitchen table. I kept the surface clean for him, for when he comes back. A string of photos is on the wall from when we went to the arcade and found a photo booth. Half of them are photos of us just looking at each other. Not kissing. Not smiling. Just looking. He has such gentle eyes, you know? I tried to draw them once. They're really hard. They're just so soft, just the right angle. The skin on his eyes crease so specifically. And if you don't draw them right, it doesn't look like him at all. Told him I was gonna get it perfect eventually.

"I may have to go away for a little bit."

They won't give me anything to bury. They won't let him come home. One time Billy was trapped at a bus station during a snow storm and couldn't come home. He'd been running an errand for a friend. I think I know who that friend is now. Billy could hardly even call on the phone from how bad the storm was. He was so cold. Said he wished I was here. Said how much he misses me. Said there was a rerun of 'Twin Peaks' at the station keeping him company. So I put on the same episode and stared at the TV while I waited for him to regain service and let me know where he was. I told him to give me a call when he could.

I'm at the bottom of his closet. Our closet. I don't know why I'm here.

       When I was a child, I liked small spaces

Yeah?

"This is a hard time. It's only natural that you're grieving," says my mother on the other side of the phone.

A month ago Billy sat across from me, eyes trained on the TV as we smoked our way through season two.

"If I have a psychotic break, would you reenact history for me?" He teased around his joint.

"Why don't you go to church?"

"No one talks to me there. I've tried, momma. They hate me. They keep thinking I was in on it." I helped him pack a bag of coke.

"God won't judge you."

Scientists aren't really sure what happens to your mind when you die.

I've looked it up. Once. Read an article. Well, read is a strong word. More accurately I stared at it on my ancient computer I'd had since college while I disassociated for hours on end trying desperately to concentrate. Maybe it's morbid, but when your soon-to-be husband dies in a fire one is prone to wonder about such a thing.

Recent articles suggest DMT- a psychedelic drug that can occur naturally in plants -can actually be produced by your brain in the final moments of brain activity.

"Do you think there's anything after this?" He'd asked me one time as we layed beneath the stars, sand in our hair from the beach of the lake.

"I think we see what we need so that we'll be content as we drift away."

"Studies of animals undergoing brain death have found that the organ begins to release numerous signaling molecules and creates unusual brainwave patterns to try to resuscitate itself, even as it shuts down external signs of consciousness."

I'm sorry. I can't focus anymore. On anything. I feel like my lungs are being squeezed from bottom to top like a tube of gogurt.

We were hardly paying attention to the show anymore. So smoked out it was hilarious to us, laughing at everything as we focused on nothing except for the feeling of each others skin. My hands on his cheeks, his hands covering mine so soothingly. It was so sweet when he guided me off the floor where I lay. Julee Cruise sang on the old TV. Falling, falling. All I can feel is falling as he guides me into a gentle sway across the old shag carpet lit with the mid-July sunset, holding me like I'll fall far, far away.

"I think I've fallen in love with you," Billy whispered against my ear. His breath is warm.

"Yeah?" I'm too high for this conversation. I didn't even realize how low my tolerance had gotten since the last time I smoked. "You make me feel like I'm in high school again."

We'd danced the whole night. He didn't know hardly any of the songs, causing him to be off beat. I was too drunk to keep time, so I stepped on his leather boots enough times there was a visible scuff on the top of one by the end of the night. I always felt bad, offering to replace or help pay to fix it. He wouldn't let me.

"I could die tomorrow and I'd be happy," Billy confessed in a strained voice, finally letting all of the walls come tumbling down around us to the gentle beat of the song. "I'm so glad I got to meet you."

I was so nervous during our first date that I forgot how to eat hummus properly. It sounds so silly, doesn't it? But there was something about him. He wore this white button up shirt, basic jeans that were tight on his thighs. Not that I was looking. Much. His hair was combed neatly, gelled away from his face in a chic manner. Really, he took the whole thing so seriously he almost looked like some youth pastor they would have shuffled into a room with high schoolers to play a guitar and say 'you know, I was troubled once'  before offering his story of repentance. It was so different from how he usually looked. Was he scared?

But anyways, I was so nervous that when they brought us our tray of hummus and bread to share, I took my little triangle slices and barely dipped them so to not look greedy before shoving the whole piece in my mouth one by one. I didn't even remember I was supposed to tear them apart until a week later. I was just trying to avoid double dipping.

"I think that's the first time I fell in love with you," Billy confessed. I giggle so stupidly, so incredibly high as I float on air.

"Because I was stupid?" I ask.

"Because you were sweet," he said.

There's a long moment of silence, the music swelling and making the cheap TV vibrate from the bass it was unequiped to handle.

"Tell me you'll marry me one day," he whispered.

What do you do with a ring that no one wants you to wear? I'm sorry I couldn't help you.

"Isn't it a little early for that?" I laughed softly.I'm sorry you went out on a romantic whim and borrowed money you shouldn't have for the ring I was too ashamed to wear on the proper finger. "It's only been a year." I don't even think we're dancing anymore. I think I'm sorry you couldn't come back for me.we're just swaying softly to the music flowing around us in a blind stupor, the humidity so suffocating outside that Billy shoved an electric fan in the living room window to try and blow in the cool air earlier that afternoon.

And I'm sorry for hating you when you showed up unannounced at my door.

“It shuts the door to the outside world and takes care of internal business because the house is on fire,”  says biomedical scientist Charlotte Martial of the University of Liège, who studies near-death experiences.

He looks guilty sitting on the bed, watching me fiddle with the small container in front of me.

"You can't bring much," he tells me. There's sadness in his voice, honest and tired. His clothes smell like lavender.

"It's fine," I said.

He simply stares at me, bags heavy under his eyes. He had this spark of life before he returned to me that evening. I'm so glad he's home. Things weren't the same.

"Your hair looks so pretty like that," I said, stepping closer to cup his face in my hands. The contents of my nightstand drawer stabbing the bare skin of my feet as I walk to him. He blushes, looking away in shame.

"You can't ever come back if you leave with me," he says softly.

"I have nothing to return to. Everything is gone," I insisted. But I can see he's having second thoughts, glancing down the hallway. "You can't leave me again."

"What the fuck is that?" I screamed into the phone.

"Baby, I don't know-"

"There is a manhunt for my fucking fiánce who can hardly kill a fucking spider and all you want to say is you don't fucking know?!"

There's an article staring at me. Sent by my mother just a few minutes prior. Billy had been gone for a couple hours after leaving me with a small little keychain on the kitchen table and a soft kiss on my forehead, saying he had some plans for that evening. But he'll be back soon. He wasn't lying.

"I want you to come. But you have to be sure."

His eyes are desperate, staring up at me as I stoke his hair away from his face. His clothes smell like lavender.

They finally sent him home today. Took nine months. First they had to confirm it was his remains. Then I had to decide where I wanted him to go. It's such a hard process trying to get your loved ones back, especially when you were running out of the pills that kept you sane. Kept you wrapped in the thick fog of memories left behind to damn the living in a house that has turned more into a tomb. No sunlight, no visitors. My mother came over to see us once, but the smell was so bad she left soon after. I got a new bottle today. Might as well, after all.

He looks so tired on my bed. Curled in on himself. You could fit him in a box. So small. So tired.

It's so cold.

                  "You know, today would've been our anniversary?"

Zemmar says, because “death is sort of a mystery—we don’t really know what it is.”

I wonder who found me alone in the closet of our room.

                    We were too busy dancing to notice.

▪︎》◇《▪︎

Taglist:

@cassiecasluciluce @gh0u1ishly @joshhutchersons-slut @schmidtsbimbo @sugarevans @wompwompwomp57 . Thank you for your support pookies!!! <3

Masterlist • Article

[is-the-fire-real]

Preface: I sent you a similar ask previously (and anonymously) but I've thought on it more and think I can explain myself better (or at least more, which might make things even less clear actually. Who knows). This is not meant in any way to rush you, it's purely to rephrase some things (and I have a slight distrust in Tumblr's actual functionality lol). This is probably gonna be a bit incoherent/rambly, so apologies in advance 😅

So, I have always been a Christian, and we've gone to a wide variety of churches over the years, mostly Baptist, Church of G-d, and Assembly of G-d. I. . . haven't felt very at-home at any of them. I have had a lot of struggles within my faith, particularly when it came to standard beliefs about hell, the impending rapture, and the significance of speaking in tongues.

Going down the line: I very quickly realized that believing anyone outside of your own faith would be tortured for eternity is SUCH a toxic recipe for forming relationships with anyone who thinks differently from you, and also it was being detrimental to my mental health. After trying my best to study on my own, I decided I didn't think there was enough of anything to indicate that anything worse awaits people than the finality of death, so I decided that's what I believed and moved on.

I grew up under a rather constant barrage of "The rapture is any day now," and mostly just went "Yeah, alright, I don't have plans for a job or college anyways." Anyway, I got thrown for a MASSIVE loop when I turned eighteen, and even now only feel like I'm just starting to develop an idea of what I want to do with my life. I have so many relatives that talk about the rapture like it's their only reason to keep going. I just try to tune them out.

I never was able to speak in tongues. I had a lot of pastors/youth ministers saying it was a crucial part of being saved. I spent a lot of nights crying, pleading, begging to be saved. I ultimately just had to hope that maybe they were wrong. (I also had a youth pastor say that the only thing that mattered to be saved was to convert someone else to Christianity. He straight-up said it didn't even matter if you prayed. I was six.)

And I mean, there's also the matter of the immense amounts of bigotry and hypocrisy. That's a big one too. It's why I have always been too ashamed to actually say I was a Christian.

A long time ago, I decided that *my* Christian faith boiled down to 1. Believing in G-d, 2. Believing that G-d loves us, 3. Believing He wants us to love other people in turn, and 4. Everything else is peripheral to that. I still stand by that as a statement of my faith. I haven't been to a church in a long time. I'm growing less sure that I'm actually a Christian.

I've recently started trying to learn more about what Judaism *really* is, and like. Maybe it's just the usual "wishing things were different." Maybe it's just admiring the beauty of a culture that I'm so unfamiliar with. Maybe it's just rose-tinted glasses, maybe it's just wishing I could engage in religion with other people without such inherent shame.

But I look at it with such a feeling of longing. I've watched a couple of livestreamed services from a conservative synagogue about and hour and a half away, and they were beautiful. The Rabbi had very good and meaningful sermons (if that's what it's called in a synagogue). Most of the rest of the service was in Hebrew, so I didn't understand much of it, but it seemed like such genuine worship and praise. I got to watch their Simchat Torah service, and it seemed like genuine worship. And I've felt like I've just been going through the motions for so long.

And I don't know. Probably the simplest solution is to find a church I can stand, I know there's a Methodist one not far from here. Maybe I need to go back to trying to read my bible. Maybe I just *still* haven't learned how to pray correctly, I sure as heck wouldn't know. (Tangentially, reading about berakhot was probably when I went from "trying to learn more about a different culture" to actually "questioning my faith")

I've questioned just about every facet of who I am this year, so I guess it was only a matter of time until my faith came up. But I've also just recently reassured everyone that yes, I'm still a Christian, I'm just working through some disillusionment. And I thought I was telling the truth! But the question has still persisted, in a "what if you always regret this" sort of way (granted, I have anxiety, it's not *that* uncommon).

But like, I just had a conversation with my mom where she said, "Sometimes it takes a good-old-fashioned fire-and-brimstone preacher to inspire change," and. . . ?!? I just. . . I can't agree with that?? I simply can't believe that the best way to inspire change in people is to threaten them with eternal damnation.

And so much of Christianity is handled this way! Any doubt or question whatsoever is immediately "of the devil," and so I grew up constantly policing my thoughts out of fear that G-d would be angry with me! Which has almost certainly had consequences in regards to my chronic anxiety! But the ONLY correct response to any doubts or questions is to double-down on what you've always believed.

Surely this isn't a healthy way to navigate life???

The biggest concern I've received in er, HYPOTHETICAL discussions of faith is "But what about your faith in Jesus?". And like, I *know* this is the wrong response, I know it's the wrong way of looking at it, but: What does it matter? Either Jesus *is* a part of G-d, in which case it stands to reason that the worship is being shared, or Jesus *isn't* part of G-d. I mean, I know that really, it's about showing G-d's love and mercy, but like? Hosea 14 very specifically demonstrates both of those traits? G-d has ALWAYS been loving and merciful. Don't get me wrong, I professed faith in Jesus before being baptized, I sing all of the worship hymns. But having specifically sought out the Jewish perspective, it makes a lot of sense??

I just don't know. I don't even know that there's even a proper question in here. I guess if anything the question is "am I willing to betray my faith," vs "is this actually even my faith as is"? Carrying all of these questions and doubts and views, can I still call myself a Christian? Is that still preferable to seeking out Judaism, thinking that my beliefs will align with it much better, even though I risk sabotaging my relationships with my family and friends? I want to have a meaningful relationship with G-d, and I want to live a good and fulfilling life, and I want to maintain good relationships with the people I care about. Can those things all coexist?

Anyways, I'm sorry this ended up being so long. I'm also immensely sorry for all of the persecution that you and the rest of the Jewish community have suffered. Thank you so much for reading all of this, I really appreciate it.

No worries, I got your back. You don't have to apologize for taking your time to explain yourself; that's how we can come to understand each other. I am sorry for how long it took me to reply to you.

I was raised a Mormon, and I actively deconverted in my twenties, long before I looked into converting to Judaism. A lot of your struggles here mirror my own. I am going to address your theological points/arguments from the general perspective of Christianity, and then talk about your interest in Judaism. I am not necessarily trying to dissuade you from Judaism, but I am going to talk a bit about how you were raised first.

It sounds like you were in a lot of Charismatic and Pentecostal denominations. This is something that's hard to get other people to understand, because what's normal for you--speaking in tongues for your early faith, baptisms for the dead in mine--is so far outside the realm of "normal" for everyone else. So, to focus on speaking in tongues: have you done any historical examinations of this practice? I have--Mormons used to do it! It turns out that what we call "speaking in tongues" is an extremely new practice which does not have roots in historical Christianity. While there were individuals and very small religious groups (usually considered cults) that practiced it, it didn't take off until the Great Awakenings in America in the 1800s.

I think you are also right about Hell and the Rapture. The thing is: these are also very new practices that were not a part of historical Christianity! The Rapture was invented around the same time as speaking in tongues, during the Great Awakenings.

As for Hell, though, that might be my more controversial claim, so let me go over it.

If you read the Christian Bible from cover to cover in order to discover Hell, you will not find it. There are places that talk about "weeping and gnashing of teeth". There are places that talk about Hades, a location in Greek paganism. There are places that talk about Sheol, which is "the grave" into which we are all shoveled one day. There are illustrative tales that seem to discuss an afterlife, but with no labeling and no great detail. There are places where there is talk of a great fire which will permanently burn away sinfulness--but no indication that this fire will burn forever.

But, I promise you this: if you read the Christian Bible and you don't know ahead of time to interpret specific verses as being about Hell, you will not find Hell in the Bible. Ever. It doesn't exist.

You also won't find Satan. You also-also won't find the Antichrist.

The reality is that Hell, Satan, and the Antichrist are Christian folklore. This folklore has built up over centuries (in the case of Hell and Satan) or decades (in the case of the Antichrist). We know it is folklore because popular culture feeds into and informs it. There was, for decades, a common stereotype that the Antichrist would have brown hair and would have a birthmark on his body of the number "666"--because that's what happened in the very fictional thriller/horror film "The Omen". Nowadays the Antichrist is blond, because that's what he was in the very fictional and very bad series "Left Behind". Stories like "Spawn" and "Constantine" and "Rosemary's Baby" and etc. all feed into and inform our perceptions of Hell/Satan/Antichrist, because you cannot find these concepts in the Bible as presented by preachers, pastors, and so-called "Bible experts".

What's even worse is that the Rapture, to pick one example, isn't something most of the teachers who preach about it believe in!

Think about it: do you think the average televangelist who preaches about the Rapture doesn't have a retirement plan? Do you think they don't have wills? That they haven't sent their own children to Bible college to prepare them for inheriting their control over the church? Heck, most of the preachers who spent the last few decades promising there won't be anymore decades have died of old age in their beds, surrounded by children who have been prepared for decades to go on preaching that there will be no more decades.

Now, I think this in and of itself gives the whole 'game' away. The highest-ranking folks preaching this stuff do not believe it. Their behavior, the only way that you can determine what a person truly believes, proves without a doubt that they don't believe it and never did. They've found a grift. A scam. An easy way to rook people into giving them money and treating them like small gods.

The ultimate purpose of the Devil, Antichrist, Rapture, anti-queer teachings, and so forth is to frighten and manipulate people with ambiguity. If you're right and they're wrong, then when you die, you're dead and the argument is over forever. But (and here's where the ambiguity knife slips in) oh but if they're right then the things that happen to you will be horrible. From their perspective, it's 'heads I win, tails you lose'.

This is the issue you faced with your mother talking about "a good-old-fashioned fire-and-brimstone preacher". Please consider, for instance, an extremely common, Biblical phrase Christians often use to describe the gospel. The Good News. Ask yourself, in all honesty, what "good news" would sound like to you. To me, it would be stuff like "You've won the lottery you never play", "Your dog missed you and wants to jump all over you", "You're going to be a father soon", "Your sick dad can travel again", "Your busted washing machine just fixed itself", "There's snow on the mountains and you saw a beautiful cloud in the sky on your walk". Those would all be good news to me. There's a lot of stuff, I'm sure, you can think of that would be good news to you.

Does anyone anywhere on Earth, even the fieriest and most brimstone-y of preachers, really, truly believe that "good news" includes sentiments like "You will burn in a lake of fire forevermore unless you pray a set of magic words and assent to the importance of saying the magic words as a prerequisite for escaping eternal fire"?

Doesn't sound good to me. Doesn't sound good to anybody. Nobody would hear that and think Oh boy, that sounds amazing! Sign me up! No one. Ever. That is, in fact, Bad News. It's astoundingly Bad News to hear that there is a Creator who, to borrow Lewis's imagery, creates life so he can vivisect it. It is Bad News to be asked to believe that a creature who creates beings in order to torture them forever is in control of the universe. That is the worst news we could possibly receive. It is worse than there being no G-d at all.

The only way you could sincerely believe it is to be a maltheist--a person who believes G-d is evil. You will note that people who do functionally believe this, by the way, tend to deny G-d's goodness--a significant theme in the Bible, even in the Christian version of the Bible--and emphatically focus on G-d's holiness, as though holiness is a trump card that cancels out goodness. "Sure, G-d is good, but He's also holy," they say, clutching their children to themselves tighter, knowing that G-d is holy and therefore not good (what's the opposite of "good"? Not "better"!) and that G-d will take their children and burn them forever unless they pray harder, and teach their kids to pray.

Better do it if you know what's good for you.

In other words, Hell and the Rapture and similar theological concepts are ideas created in the past couple of centuries by humans who wanted to create an eternal hostage situation. This is a very common theme throughout authoritarian Christianity. It is not, however, a requirement for Christianity. There are schools of Christian thought as well as individual Christians who reject Hell, etc., outright. Non-Nicene Christians can flat-out acknowledge that Hell doesn't exist in the Bible. Nicene Christians (those who believe in the Nicene Creed) can argue that when Jesus "descended to Hell", he destroyed it forever and liberated those within it. (That is what "the harrowing of Hell" means, theologically.)

You could, therefore, consider other modes of Christianity which maintain a belief in Jesus as G-d without necessarily converting to Judaism. This is, in some ways, going to be easier and more comfortable for you than converting. Judaism is not "Christianity minus the parts of Christianity which you personally find uncomfortable". Judaism doesn't exist to heal our psychic wounds from our theological upbringings. Again, I'm not telling you that you must remain a Christian. But it is something important to consider: is your issue with the folklore Christians add to Christianity, or is it with Christianity?

I suggest you look into concepts like "religious trauma" and "Rapture anxiety". Do not look up these concepts on places like Tumblr--go to scholarly articles. There are writers, Christians as well as atheists, psychiatrists and psychologists and experienced folks, who write eloquently on the subject. There are many, many resources out there and places where you can find support.

So, about whether or not you believe in Jesus: this is what most Christians would consider to be a dealbreaker question. At a certain point, boundaries are drawn and definitions are set, and to participate in a group, you have to fit within those boundaries and meet the definition. Belief in Jesus as a part of God (Trinitarianism) or as the Son of God (non-Trinitarianism) is vital to being a Christian. If you do not believe this, then you are a theist, but not a Christian.

Addressing this is the start of your internal wisdom. If you don't believe in Jesus, that's okay. The majority of humans on Earth right now do not believe in Jesus as G-d. The vast majority of humans who have ever lived did not believe in Jesus as G-d. You have been taught to view this fact as a heartbreaking tragedy. The beginning of your reprogramming, of you giving yourself permission to reject certain ideas, is perceiving this as a fact and not a tragedy.

Now, to your questions about converting to Judaism.

There are a lot of questions, not for me, but for you about whether or not converting is for you. You will have to answer those for yourself, but I'm going to try and guide you by providing you some of those questions.

Converting is a long process. The shortest conversions I'm aware of take many months. Mine is probably on the shorter side of average; it should take me a year and a half if everything stays on track for me. The classes won't just be showing up for a Zoom call or a physical class for an hour a week. You will have to read MANY books to get caught up on thousands of years of history. You will also be expected to do reports and turn in assignments and the like. The people who've dropped out of converting who started alongside me are folks in their 20s who did not have the free time to dedicate to another class. Do you have the time and the willingness to invest your time--perhaps free time you might have spent in fandom pursuits or on social media--into conversion classes?

Also, you should take classes from the philosophical group of Jews you plan on primarily attending with, because the odds are high that the Rabbi who teaches your classes will sponsor you. Do you know which philosophical group/denomination you want to convert to? If so, have you looked into what classes are available in your area for that specific group?

If you go Masorti/Conservative, you will be expected to read liturgical Hebrew when you go to the beit din. You probably won't have to speak modern Hebrew fluently, but it would help. Do you also have the time to learn an entirely new alphabet, or possibly, a whole new language?

How did you feel about recent and historical antisemitic violence? How do you feel about being potentially targeted by this sort of violence? I understand that this is very scary to contemplate, but it is absolutely a part of the process: understanding if your longing outweighs your fear.

The thing about Judaism being a closed/semi-closed practice is that, ultimately, conversion is not about you. It's a humbling experience. You are petitioning to be adopted by a family. A major Jewish religious principle is that all Jews are responsible for the behavior of other Jews. This is why prayers of repentance are usually phrased collectively--we have lied instead of I have lied. The Jewish community will want to know what you're bringing to the table. I will point out that the vast majority of Jews I've met have been extremely welcoming, because converting right now will show a level of seriousness on your part due to the risk… but still. Are you willing to accept that converting is about the Jewish community welcoming you, and not just about you wanting to join the Jewish community?

There are bigoted and hypocritical Jews. Just like every other community on Earth, Jews are not a monolith. I think that the most important lesson anyone can learn is that you'll always be alone if you want to avoid bigotry and hypocrisy, and even then, you might still not avoid them. Because there are so few Jews, it is actually more likely that you will be expected to argue with--but also worship and practice with--Jews who strongly disagree with you on a variety of subjects. Even if they aren't in your shul, they will definitely be out there in the world. There will also be Jews who think of you as a bigot and a hypocrite, and who will still embrace you as a Jew. The question is: is the problem you have with bigoted/hypocritical Christians that they are bigots/hypocrites, or is the problem that you are not socially permitted to push back against them? If the first, you should seriously reconsider joining any group. If the second, Judaism may be a better social fit for you.

Related to 6, there are going to be Jews who are bigoted or problematic in their politics who are grounded, thoughtful, and beautiful in their Judaism. Some of the most moving writing on Judaism I have encountered came from none other than Dennis Prager, who is generally a person I consider to be terrible politically. This is not hypocrisy on his part, IMO. It's that he's a person and people are complicated and contain multitudes. Prager can be horrific in his politics AND wonderful in his theology. Neither contradicts the other. Would this strike you as hypocritical? What would you do if confronted by it?

Generally, I would suggest that you talk to a Rabbi about your feelings. This is a meeting you should conduct face-to-face. Ideally, you should seek out a synagogue where you could see yourself attending. If there are no synagogues near you at all, then you can contact people via email or video calls. This is what I had to do because there are nearly no Jews in my entire province and none of them are Rabbis. I started out emailing English-speaking Rabbis in the UK, and they directed me to English-speaking Rabbis in Spain, who then directed me to the local community… who have since hired a Rabbi who lives outside the province but will guide our services. Rabbis are busy people, so that process of kicking around others' inboxes took a couple of months.

However you do it, you should tell the Rabbi about your religious history and about how you feel observing Jewish worship.

I think part of what struck me about your writing is that most non-Jews do not look at Jewish services with a sense of longing. I've heard a lot of goyim saying that such services are weird, that Jews pray funny and do silly rocking motions. I've heard goyim offer suppersessionist pity for Jews doing "hidebound rituals" when Jesus or the Prophet has "freed" them from such "unnecessary" or "wrong" practices. I've heard goyim express appropriative fascination, such as saying "Oh, this is how Jesus may have prayed" and then talking about how they plan on learning liturgical Hebrew so they can use it to pray to Jesus at their next Messianic seder. And I've heard atheist goyim dismiss everything out of hand as stupid Bronze-age superstition.

But longing? That's a different emotion entirely, and one I also understand.

I think watching those livestreams is a Good Thing, even if you choose not to convert to Judaism in the end. It's always great to expose yourself to open parts of other traditions and cultures! (I still kind of regret not being able to attend a Sikh service when I had the opportunity to do so.) And by the way, they are called sermons, but the other term for what Rabbis do during a service is called a drash.

I'll go through your more specific questions at the end, if that's okay:

The thing that makes one a Christian is believing that Jesus is the son of G-d and the Messiah. There's a LOT of variety on what those terms mean, but that's baseline. If you do believe in that in some way, shape, or form, you are a Christian. If you don't, you're not. You cannot be an atheist and be a Christian, for instance--and similarly, you cannot disbelieve in Jesus and also be a Christian. Whether you feel that way or not is up to you.

When you convert to Judaism, you will be rejected by friends and family. People will not only be actively angry at you for "rejecting" or "betraying" your original faith, they will suddenly turn massively antisemitic in ways you cannot imagine right now. The only way to avoid that is to not tell them you're converting, which is your right as an adult. You will also have friends and family who will surprise you with their kindness and support. Perhaps there are black sheep in your family who will reach out to you when they hear you're on the outs. I have a friend who's normally an edgelord who holds nothing sacred, who's become very empathetic and kind on the subject of Judaism in ways I never expected him to be. People will surprise you in both ways. The real question is this: do you want to remain in contact, as you grow old, with people who would reject you for questioning your religious beliefs and for being intellectually honest?

Yes, you can have that meaningful relationship with G-d and live a good/fulfilling life and maintain good relationships, but your definitions of what those things mean will differ.

That third one's important enough for me to explicate on a little longer.

Who "the people [you] care about" are will change. You will find new people, online and in your shul, who you care about intensely and want to maintain new relationships with. You will also lose people who you currently care about. Partly due to the aforementioned antisemitism, partly because you are at an age (forgive me for being a patronizing old dude for one second) where you're extremely likely to leave old friendships behind and create new ones. My own twenties were full of these changes. They included people who I swore would be my friends forever, my found family. The thing is that most of those changes were, in retrospect, for the best. Some of those "friends forever" folks were abusive and I only really appreciated that once they were gone. Some others were just not good fits for me. Others noticed me changing for the better and no longer wanted to be around me! And as I became a healthier person, those unfulfilling friendships were replaced, one by one, with better ones.

Which also ended, because moving and time passage still means you change and so do they, and that's okay.

I would try very hard not to worry about keeping people in your life forever. Some will leave for good. Some will leave and then come back later, having changed into better people. Some will stay and change to help you. Some will stay and try to drag you down into remaining the person they want you to be, and force you to leave. You will develop wisdom that will permit you to tell the difference. You'll mourn, you'll process, and you'll move on--telling your new friends in your Intro to Judaism class about how this person you could not live without rejected you, and commiserating when they all have similar stories.

What you mean by a good/fulfilling life is also going to change. Jewish ethics are, I'd argue, even more important than what folks would refer to as Jewish theology (and I'd also say they are inextricably inseparable, but that's my own opinion). My own Intro to Judaism class has spent more time on ethics than any other subject. That is because a great deal of the class is decolonization of thought. There's a loooooot of the Rabbi trying to unteach Christian thought and pointing us in the direction of Jewish thought.

Christian ethics, at this stage of Christianity, is largely negative (DON'T do certain things) and lacking in explanation (because the Bible says not to). Most importantly, though, Christian ethics are rooted in maintaining a hierarchy. Rather than empowering lay Christians to think for themselves, Christians are encouraged to think of what Jesus would do. If they don't have an answer to that, they are expected to ask their religious leader, who tells them what to do, and more importantly, what to believe.

Since belief is the defining aspect of what makes someone a Christian or not, that means belief (and therefore thought) must be policed and controlled whenever possible as part of Christian ethics. Hence, for instance, modern-day interpretations of the assertion that thinking of murder is the same as committing it leading preachers to announce that they would be cold-blooded murderers were it not for Jesus.

Judaism is more about empowering individual Jews to think for themselves and come to their own conclusions. This is why some Jews are atheists and some are not; there is no Rabbi with the power to force anyone to believe in G-d. This also includes ethics. Jewish ethics are more positive (DO do this), and have multiple explanations for why each thing must be done in a particular way. You can also dismiss those explanations and develop your own.

Yes, this is in direct contradiction to the supersessionist meme that Jews are trapped in a bunch of Laws that control every aspect of their lives, and if only they had Jesus/Islam to free them, they wouldn't be trapped in the Law. Remember the whole "decolonization of thought" thing? That's what I mean.

So! Not to be That Guy, but what you consider to be "good" in terms of "a good life" might end up changing. And so will what you consider to be "good" when it comes to "good people". If we're being honest, your definition of "good people" has probably already changed. You have probably seen people who you thought of as "good" reveal that they are rabid antisemites over the course of the past year and a half. You have probably seen people who you thought of as "good" remain silent over the gruesome murder of children because those children were Jewish. These changes are going to feel intimidating, but they are necessary--not for you to become Jewish, because you might not, but because you're coming into your identity as an adult person. And it's possible that even if you don't convert, you'll want to be the kind of person who believes that good people cannot also be antisemites, and you cannot have those people in your life.

Whatever you end up deciding, don't rush anything. I strongly encourage you to talk to a rabbi, not about starting the conversion process, but about your feelings and why you might consider converting. Get comfortable with this liminal space, if you haven't already (seeing as it took me way, way too long to finish this response and I'm so sorry about that). If you do decide to convert, you will be in this liminal not-Jewish-and-yet-no-longer-really-goy for a long, long time.

[evilkennedy]

in another lifetime

leon kennedy x reader

warnings: angst. a lot of it. blood mention, knife mention, death, hurt/no comfort, a tiny bit of fluff if you squint, but it will mostly hurt im (not) sorry, no gender mentioned for reader or y/n, not beta read (never is)

words: 1.9k+

summary: not everyone can make it out of raccoon city unscathed... lowkey inspired by @triple-asstro. i've had this idea for a while but reading their fic really made me want to write mine, so shout out to them fr.

The scene unfolded like a nightmare, not dissimilar to what was happening to the entirety of Raccoon City, certainly. But this– It was a perfect rendition of everything that Leon had ever feared. It was cruel and tragic; Leon couldn’t hear anything over the roaring of his heartbeat in his ears, accompanied by the painful ringing of static, white noise that was anything but soothing, as he watched you fall to your knees. Time slowed as his mind raced. It wasn’t something that could actually happen, the world wouldn’t stop turning even for a moment, but Leon felt as though it had. It was interesting just how much he could think about in so little time… The way you smiled, the car ride on the way into the city just a few hours ago– If he could have recorded it; would have known that it might have been the last memory shrouded with normalcy and not tinged with melancholic guilt and so much blood– He would have done so in a heartbeat. 

~

“How does it feel knowing that I’ll technically be the one doing your training?” You smiled smugly at Leon from the passenger seat. Despite the two of you being relatively close in age, you were ahead of him. You’d always been the leader of your class and now a leader in the field. You’d only been working a year or so longer than him, but you loved to pull rank and the two of you hadn’t even gotten your coffee yet. 

The blonde had been tapping his fingers against the steering wheel, in time with the song that lulled on in the background, one that you hummed to whenever a moment of silence fell in the car, but that morning, conversation rarely quieted. He groaned, though he wasn’t actually bothered by your teasing, he never was. It was simply the way you two got on after so much time spent together. “Oh, bite me.” He huffed, eyes sparkling in the light that shone from the passing streetlights. It was still dark out with how early it had been, fog covering the streets as the humidity had risen during the night. 

“I’ll never hear the end of it, will I?” He smiled in your direction, though the sentence had been punctuated by a dramatic sigh.

“Nope.” You popped the ‘p’ as if to emphasize your point and he shook his head at your antics. He really could never get enough of this, as much as he pretended to hate the teasing relationship that the two of you had. He admired you, he always had. Your strength and diligence, the kindness that always persevered no matter what hardships you went through, and the way you looked at him. It made him feel giddy all over again… made his cheeks flush a bright shade of pink and his heart raced in time with yours because the two were entwined. He’d given up his heart to you a long time ago and while he wasn’t prepared to face the weight of that reality– The one where he could lose you because of a stupid crush. He bit his tongue when people made their assumptions, always playing it off as though it simply couldn’t happen, though he never brought you down in the process. He wondered if you knew that you were his entire world.

Leon laughed, “You’re insufferable.”

~

His entire body trembled as he fell to his knees beside you, knowing exactly what being bitten meant for you. He’d seen Marvin, he’d seen people being torn to shreds, and while he hadn’t seen anyone turn, he hadn’t expected you to be the first.

He uttered your name, voice breaking in the middle of it as he choked on the syllables, throat thick from his unshed tears. He’d have to keep it together for you, though he knew by the unadulterated terror in your eyes; you knew your fate. He placed shaking hands against the bleeding hole in your neck, desperately trying to stop the bleeding despite knowing the action would be futile in the end. He searched your face, chest heaving as he spoke, “J-Just hang on, okay? We- We can patch this up a-and find someone- someone that can help you- that can fix this.” His voice was pleading, but he wasn’t pleading with you, at least not entirely. He didn’t believe in a God, but he was willing to beg on his knees to him if it meant that you would get to stay alive… get to come home with him safely. He couldn’t even feel the tears that had begun falling freely from his eyes, not until you began wiping them away. 

“Leon…” You breathed, voice resolute despite your fear. There were moments in your life when you’d thought about this moment. You wondered what would be the thing to take you out and this was so far down on the list of possibilities that you would have laughed at your own ignorance… at the corruption that was happening right under your noses. 

You tilted your head, thumb still wiping away his tears as he leaned into your touch, still soothed by it ironically enough. He wanted to memorize the way your skin felt against his, warm and alive while he still could. The thought made his chest ache as the dread threatened to rip him apart from the inside out. Even still, he clung to each word you spoke like it was gospel.

“T-There’s nothing we can do, y-you know that.” There was a small smile on your face but it wasn’t the usual one that you wore. It wasn’t soft and cherubic, angelic in nature like Leon always assumed you’d been– rather it was clenched, tainted with the fear that permeated your mind and quickly overcame your being. Your nerves were shot, your entire body burned and ached. The worst part of it all was knowing that you’d have to leave Leon alone in this hell, not knowing if he’d survive. 

Your semi-calm demeanor didn’t last much longer as you began to crumble, your own tears escaping your eyes, “I don’t w-want to die, Lee.” Your voice was quiet, desperate, and all Leon wanted to do was to comfort you, to tell you that death wasn’t an option but that would be cruel. He couldn’t lie to you knowing that it would be the last thing he did for you.

He closed his eyes, clenching his jaw as your hand moved from wiping away his tears to placing your hand on top of the one he’d been holding against your wound, hissing at the way it stung with pain at the slight shift in pressure. He didn’t know what to say, if there was anything that he could say that would make the situation better for either of you. 

“Just- You’re with me now, j-just hang on for me? As long as you can, I-I’ll be here until the end.” And he meant it. The crushing weight of what he’d have to do lingered in the back of his mind, he knew that he’d have to be the one to kill you. He couldn’t– wouldn’t let you turn into one of those monsters, no matter how much it hurt. He knew it would haunt his psyche for as long as he lived. 

You slowly became more desperate, tears flowing as you squeezed his hand. You could almost feel the way the virus pulsed through your veins, though you weren’t sure if that was adrenaline or something you were imagining, but you wished it would stop. You wanted to be able to pretend that everything was fine in your last moments, but you knew nothing would ever be the same again, not when you were six feet under and Leon wasn’t. He’d always been the type to blame himself for things outside of his control and you were more than worried about how he’d respond to the inevitable. You almost laughed at the thought, the way you were more concerned about his well being even as the life within you had been slipping away for far too long. Even after all this time, you loved him more than you’d ever loved anyone else, but especially yourself. Maybe it had been unhealthy, at least in the sense that maybe you should have liked yourself more, but what was there to lose while on your deathbed?

“Y-You know how when we w-were kids, we always said we’d get married? B-Because we didn’t understand what that meant?” You breathed out, stuttering and hiccuping through the pain, chest aching as you puffed and heaved, breaths coming out way too hard and in way too fast. Leon nodded and despite the tears, you genuinely smiled. It knocked the breath out of Leon as his tears came even faster.

“‘Course I do.” He huffed out a humorless laugh, waiting to see where you were going with this. 

“When I g-got older I realized… m-maybe you are the one I want to marry. I-I know that now and I- Fuck I just wish I told you sooner.” You cried, digging your nails into his hand slightly, desperate to feel something that wasn’t your own body, nothing felt real anymore and you didn’t want to let go yet, not when Leon looked at you like you hung the stars in the night sky just for him. 

“Oh, sweetheart…” Before he could say anything else, you were shaking your head, “Maybe in another lifetime, right?” Your breathing was slowing, your body losing its warmth and color rapidly as your clock began to run out. Your eyes were wide as you panicked, though your lungs weren’t able to hyperventilate anymore, it was your time to go. All you wanted was to hear Leon confirm that he felt the same way, maybe it was foolish and slightly selfish, but you needed him to love you like you loved him… until the end.

Somehow, Leon managed to sob even harder, pulling away his hand from your wound, now taking your bloodied hand into his own as he looked at you, holding onto the limb like it would be enough to make you stay. “My heart is yours, in every lifetime.” 

As if that was all the confirmation you needed before letting go, you took your last breath, eyes dulling as the life left your body all at once. Your body went limp and Leon crumpled, pulling your corpse into his arms as he fully let go, near animalistic sobs escaping his lips as though there was no one else around. He was sure that any zombie within a 5 mile radius could hear his screams of utter agony, ones that made his throat raw as he buried his face into your hair. While the world never stopped turning, his had, in fact, he was holding his world as well as his heart in his blood soaked hands and he knew that he’d never be the same again, the ghost of you anchoring him to this godforsaken town no matter how far away he’d get. 

After what was probably considered to be far too long, he unsheathed his combat knife, glancing away before burying it in your skull, closing his eyes against the noise that it made. It made him absolutely sick to know what he’d just done, but he hoped it kept you from becoming reanimated. He spent a bit longer recuperating and attempting to pull himself together, numbing himself to the pain that agonized him. His only purpose now was to get out of the city, but after that? He didn’t know, nor did he care. He’d left his heart back in that room he’d left you in and as far as he was concerned, he’d died right there beside you.

author’s note: im both sorry and not sorry but I’m hugging you all !!

[xxcrystalinerose]

In celebration of me officially reaching 100 HOURS of fucking around in Hades 2, here's a couple of general gameplay tips from yours truly!

Preface

I am not the best Hades gamer out there, but I'd like to think I'm doing pretty good considering my still-standing 25+ win streak in the Underworld and 16 Fear clear on all weapon types, so this tip is meant for you guys who find Hades 2 weirdly difficult compared to the first game (I've been there!), or those who still haven't figured out good build and aspect combos. However, I will not be doing a deep dive of all the bosses except for the final bosses!

Obviously, spoilers abound under the cut, so tread with caution!!

Part 1: General Questions, Comments, Complaints, etc.

Q: Playing Melinoë is so difficult compared to Zagreus!

A: First of all, you are playing Melinoë, not Zagreus. Second of all, you are playing Lv. 1 Mel after being so used to Lv. 100 Zag (if you've spent an unreasonable amount of time playing Hades 1 like I did). These two have different playstyles! I myself am guilty of this mindset in my first 20 hours of gameplay.

Mel is all about using everything in your disposal to dispatch enemies. Additionally, the devs have designed the kit in such a way that none of your moves are an afterthought that you occasionally use every other room. The biggest example of this is Cast, which remains useful as a crowd control (CC) move even without a Boon attached to it. Use your Cast all the time!

Additionally, in case you haven't realized it, you can still move while charging your Omega Cast; however, the AoE will not follow you unless you have Local Climate (Demeter).

Don't forget that you can hold down Dash to Sprint. Lock enemies in place with Cast then sprint away if you need breathing room. However, do remember that you do not have i-frames while sprinting, only when dashing.

I have to concede that as of the current EA patch, dashing to dodge attacks still feels janky without the Swift Runner card, mostly because of the dash start-up animation being slightly but noticeably slower than Zag's dashes. However, after several runs with the Judgment card (where I can't activate Swift Runner, and that it might not activate further in the run), the rhythm of dashing with and without it is just muscle memory now. Keep practicing!

Q: Melinoë feels so squishy/slow/weak/etc.!

A: Hades 2 does feel much more Early Game Hellish™ than Hades 1, which imo is mostly because of the Arcana system's complexities.

You need various resources to unlock an Arcana, then you need sufficient Grasp to actually use the Arcana, THEN some Arcana have prerequisites for activation so you can't just use anything and everything you want. Very unlike H1, where you can just dump exactly one resource type into levelling the Mirror upgrades and the only true constraint is choosing one side of the Mirror over the other.

To mitigate the squishiness, Frinos with a fully upgraded Life Bond gives you a free 40 base HP. I prefer him over Toula because I fucking suck at bullet hells and Frinos eats up all those projectiles without flinching too much, and some enemies are really fucking annoying with their projectile attacks. Looking at you, hourglass thingies in Tartarus.

Another thing to note is that The Wayward Son card is a buffed version of Zag's health regen on room exit. At max level it heals 4 HP (8 if you're low), which also makes Chaos gate health drains trivial in Erebus and Oceanus, so go grab those Chaos boons.

If you think surviving against Chronos/Eris is difficult, try having at least 200-220 HP (adjust depending on Fear settings) before entering the fight. The Centaur and Titan cards are useful to achieve this. If you run a Hephaestus build, the Boon that adds HP based on Magick is also great!

Q: The Bosses in Hades 2 are more difficult... please help!

A: I see this observation often, but in my experience, the H2 bosses bar Chronos and Eris are actually significantly easier than the H1 bosses. Your experience gap between dealing with H1 and H2 bosses could also contribute. But anyways, here's some tips for each boss:

Hecate

The transformation Hex counts as a projectile and can be blocked by Frinos. If you haven't unlocked Frinos, simply dash back and forth into the hex (essentially abusing your dash i-frame) and it will eventually dissipate. Don't try to outrun it.

(Frinos ate the hex before I could fully demonstrate the dodging lol)

If you DO get transformed, dash and attack repeatedly to prevent Hecate's attacks from hitting you, because your attack in sheep form is a charge forward that helps add extra distance while waiting for the dash cooldown to end.

Scylla and the Sirens

They killed me an unreasonable amount of times early game because there's so damn much going on the screen, so my tip for that is kill the drummer first. The guitarist's arsenal is much less dangerous and her dash attack is heavily telegraphed. Even if the guitarist is the featured artist, I would still kill the drummer first. Additionally, the Night Bloom Hex* works in this fight. Have fun!

Infernal Beast

Mostly immobile boss that can't really turn around with heavily telegraphed attacks, so the easiest trick is to just stand behind it for free backstab damage and don't get hit. Paired with the massive hitbox, the boss becomes very vulnerable against Apollo/Zeus cast and Omega specials with Pan aspect on the Sister Blades.

Polyphemus

Sometimes he has sheep in the fight; if he eats them he gets healed. Gold sheep will block Omega moves in the radius indicated around them, while black sheep will charge at you. I find his most difficult attack is the boulder slam if he spots you. When he leaps, sprint away first for some distance, then dash into the shockwaves because they move FAST and staying near will guarantee you get hit.

Eris

All of her attacks count as projectiles, so Hestia's Soot Sprint turns the fight into a total joke. She also turns relatively slowly when firing; when she does the spread shots, stay directly behind her. The forward charge is also telegraphed by an animation where she rises a bit before charging, so dash towards Eris to avoid getting hit (because it also stuns you).

Chronos, in general

God I hate that bitch ass scythe throw attack SO MUCH. I find the most reliable way to dodge it is to dodge towards Chronos but in a counterclockwise direction because it always travels clockwise. DO NOT DODGE AWAY FROM HIM.

The thrown scythe counts as a projectile, so projectile slowing effects like Demeter's Cyclone debuff or Hard Target (Hermes) affect its move speed.

Additionally, Chronos himself is immune to any time-slowing effect, including from the Sorceress card, the Phase Shift Hex, and Hermes' legendary Boon. He can still damage you during the time stop in the Hex casting animation.

Lastly, the ring explosions that come after his slashing attacks are unblockable by any "Block" move e.g. Axe special.

Chronos, 2nd phase

He always begins the phase with a full screen attack that does 999 damage unless you stand in the highlighted safe spots... or if you have Coarse Grit (Demeter Infusion) that lets you take no more than 15 damage per hit (lol). The clock hands will also kill you this way, so stand well clear of its radius. When he does this attack he will stand in place, which if you're lucky lets you get a guaranteed Omega Cast or Total Eclipse strike, and even one or two fully charged Pan aspect specials if the "safe spot" is near him.

(* Night Bloom has an unintended interaction with the Judgment arcana that causes its effects to be triggered multiple times in the Scylla fight. I've reported this as a bug, but I guess you could abuse it until the next patch lol)

Q: What is your Arcana setup?

A: This! I find this to be the easiest setup for activating the Divinity card and also the "safest" build, with the drawback of being unable to change room rewards/Boon and Well of Charon offerings.

If I wanted more challenge, I would activate everything in the third row, and use the remaining 3 Grasp for either The Huntress or Death, depending on weapon:

When I do a Judgment arcana run, I only activate The Wayward Son, Eternity, and Excellence; the bonus with Judgment is that it also automatically activates The Queen, and keeps it active no matter how many more cards it activates later.

If you have yet to max out your Grasp and want to play it safe, the cards I recommend to prioritize are Eternity > Excellence > Origination > The Swift Runner/The Sorceress > The Titan > The Furies/The Moon/The Huntress/ > Night/The Unseen.

Extra tip: The Moon synergizes very well with pure damage Omega Casts e.g. Apollo, Zeus, Poseidon because it adds to the base damage. Naturally, this makes Apollo cast busted as hell.

Q: What are your recommended Keepsakes? How do I use them?

A: The ones from Hecate, Odysseus, Nemesis, Moros, and Narcissus. If you're good at not getting hit, Arachne's because it continuously stacks Armor per location as long as you stay above 1 Armor. Recently I've also been messing around with Chaos', which has been fun.

To elaborate:

Silver Wheel (Hecate) lets you regen Magick automatically, which was great for me in very early game until I got the hang of every Gain boon and evaluated which are the best ones. Essentially, it's a good crutch for learning how the game works. However, do note that the Keepsake regen is prioritized over any other Magick regeneration effects.

Knuckle Bones (Odysseus) is also a similarly useful early game crutch if you have difficulty against bosses or need to take a run to analyze their moves (very appropriate). It also gives you all-damage reduction against bosses. And fun fact: bring it to the Polyphemus fight multiple times for some unique interactions!

Evil Eye (Nemesis) is just a straightforward free ~30% universal damage bonus against the last enemy that killed you. Since mine was Chronos... well, let's just say I almost never spend a single DD in his fights ever since.

Engraved Pin (Moros) is functionally a better Stubborn Defiance. Triggering its effect will be prioritized over consuming a Death Defiance, and it works ONCE PER ROOM which is fucking amazing as a learning crutch and in high Fear runs. One of my favorite strategies if 1) my HP falls below the Pin's healing threshold, 2) its effect has not been triggered yet, and 3) I am 100% sure the encounter is about to end, I just die on purpose, kill everything that's left, and get a free heal.

Aromatic Phial (Narcissus) rarifies a random Common boon when you drink from a Fountain, which helps massively in no-Arcana runs or runs without Excellence/Divinity. It could also help if you grabbed Hera's Uncommon Grace but are unable to activate it because you have a Common boon. Lastly, the extra Fountain heal helps with survivability.

On the topic of Keepsakes, I encourage you to use the Olympian Keepsakes, because they now have the ability to increase the rarity of non-Infusion/Duo/Legendary Boons up to a certain rarity threshold and not just help you aim where your current build is going.

Rarification works especially well with Demeter's Rare Crop; one time Heroic Rare Crop managed to rarify my Attack, Special, and Cast somehow and I ended up blazing through Tartarus and Chronos like it was nothing.

End Notes (For Now)

I have some more tips prepared, but I'd like to know before I compile the next one:

Aand that's it for now. If I got something wrong or you know anything relevant to what I've shared above, do tell me in the replies so I can edit!

TL;DR: Don't forget to use Cast, get used to dodging with and without Swift Runner card, grab Chaos boons in early regions, be patient with grinding for upgrades, keep practicing, and have fun :)

[davidjordanphoenix]

It is SO FUCKING HARD to figure out what "working hard" looks like when you're disabled.

I want to be a hard worker. I want to learn work ethic. But I HAVE to remember it's going to look different from someone who doesn't live with chronic pain, chronic fatigue, chronic anxiety. There's a difference between laziness and real limitations.

I am in pain all the time. Everything hurts. I have headaches and migraines. My muscles are constantly sore even when I've not exercised. I have constant nerve pain in certain parts of my body that is constant 100% of my waking hours. My feet always hurt. I have a deep tissue skin condition that causes pain. I am always, always, always hurting.

I am tired 100% of the time and honestly? The fatigue is worse than the pain. I would rather have MORE PAIN if it meant I was somehow less tired. The fatigue is so bad I panic when I feel exhausted. When I feel my fatigue getting worse it causes anxiety because I have flashbacks of the days I had to sleep for 2-3 days in a row with no food and only the water I brought with me before crashing. I FEAR exhaustion. Pain is miserable but you can learn to tune it out mostly if you're focused enough on something else. You cannot tune out fatigue. No amount of distraction can pull you away from the despair of being trapped in a body that cannot move the way you need it to because you are simply too exhausted to make it move. Fatigue pulls all focus because you don't have the energy to focus on anything else. When I say I'm exhausted, I don't mean I want to take a nap. I mean that down to my bones, every muscle fiber, down to my fucking eyelids feels soupy and heavy and sapped of whatever life juice keeps them functioning. Exhaustion feels like wakeful death. And sleep doesn't fix it.

I get sick. Constantly. I always either have a fungal infection, or a sore throat, or a nauseous stomach, or a migraine, or SOMETHING. I get sick if I push too hard, even if I had fun. I just went on vacation and spent about 3 days after feeling like I had the flu. My tonsils were red and swollen, I could barely swallow, I had a wet cough, migraine for a week, could barely choke down food. Nobody else got any symptoms. I just get sick because I decided to do something.

On top of the pain, fatigue, and sickness, my brain is a nightmare of anguish. I have a "very severe case" of major depressive disorder that has been treatment resistant since I was a teenager. My head feels like there's constant screaming. I am anxious and fearful of EVERYTHING. There is always noise in my head, screaming in pain and screaming at me that I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough, I'm an idiot I'm worthless I'm garbage I'm better off dead. I think about suicide obsessively. My brain is a place of torment I am constantly trying to escape.

And then I wonder why it's fucking hard to exist.

Here's the thing: I so, so, so badly want to learn how to work hard. I want to learn how to pour the energy I have into something beautiful. I want to learn how to work hard and take the time and effort to create things that I'm proud of, that can help people feel seen and loved and ease their suffering just a little. It's creation from others that brings me so much joy every day and makes life worth living. I want to create too!

I want to exercise to be physically strong and as able bodied as I can be. I want to be able to cook meals because I love cooking. I want to be able to go for a hike with my dog. I want to spend hours working on something beautiful that makes people feel joy. I want to live a full life. I want to be free.

I have to remember my freedom will still have its shackles. I cannot have a life without chronic pain. I cannot have a life without chronic illness. I cannot have a life without a broken mind.

But if I learn how to work hard, despite all that, maybe I can have something worth it for me.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for retroactively cheating on my partner?

Look, I know the title sounds kinda dumb, but it was kind of the best way I could sum it up. This also might get a little long. I'm just trying to give the context it needs that I feel sorta led me to the decisions I made.

I (22M) went on my first vacation with my partner (25F) last summer. Our vacation was to a relatively local spot not too far out of the city that's decently popular. We'd been dating at that point for around 18 months, though a lot of our dating had been done online cuz of the whole global pandemic thing. When the restrictions started loosening she started getting pushy about me moving in. This caused some tension between us, but it always kind of fizzled out. I still lived with my dad at that point. I'd never moved in with her, since I always wanna be really absolutely sure about these things beforehand, and I'll admit to viewing our week long vacation as sort of a trial run for maybe, one day, taking that step. All of this is just context for the fact that I was really serious about her. It was also the first real adult relationship that I'd been in.

If it was meant to be a trial for moving in, the vacation probably brought to the surface all the issues that I'd had with her. It was seriously a disaster. Our first day was great, but she spent a lot of the next two days taking calls from work and having some "alone time". I was really pissed off on the third day, waking up to ask if she wanted to go swimming, and having her tell me she was up for hours, and if I wanted to go I should've talked to her earlier. I suggested things we could do together, and we did eat lunch together and go to the pool, but she wasn't at all interested in doing anything else with me. After lunch, she sort of disappeared, so I went to the bar myself and considered texting her to join me. I got distracted talking to a guy, and soon enough we were super invested in the conversation together.

For context, I'm probably somewhere on the bi/pan end of things, but I grew up and continued living in a close minded small town. Especially last year, I was very much not out, not comfortable with people seeing me as in any way lgbtq adjacent, and still holding onto a lot more internalised stuff than I was willing to admit to.

This guy (who I'll call R) and I hit it off. We had lots in common, and he was fun to hang around with, and a good listener. I won't lie, I did find him pretty physically attractive, but naturally, it wasn't a huge issue. I've never had a problem being faithful, it's something I value over anything else in a relationship. When I spoke to my girlfriend about him later, she make some teasing remarks towards me about him being my "boyfriend". I was extremely sensitive about this, and snapped at her, to which she called me oversensitive and complained I never understand her jokes. I, being more mean than I should've been, told her she should try being funny, and she just called me misogynistic, which I resented, so I walked out, and came back later when I was sure she was asleep.

The next day, she shut me off completely, which I understood. I apologised, but I appreciated that she needed some space. I ended up meeting R at the pool again. We went for a hike, which took longer than expected, and made it home at dinner, which we got together. He insisted on paying in full, and we had a fun time, walking back to the hotel together. He told me he was leaving that evening, and I offered to help him pack. We got into his room, I helped him pack, we talked, traded socials, and, eventually, just out of the blue, I kissed him. I don't really know why, but it was nothing more than a chaste kiss, and I panicked and left.

The rest of the trip with my girlfriend was mostly us keeping to ourselves, and while we made up, there was definitely an atmosphere. The atmosphere just stayed. We broke up in October, for reasons unrelated directly to the vacation.

However, my issue is that from the vacation to when my gf and I broke up, R and I were dming each other. Objectively,it wasn't anything romantic or sexual, no nudes, nothing like that. We would just talk like we always did. We decided to try out dating in February of this year, and so far, its been great - he's genuinely a brilliant partner, we have far less conflicts, we sort things out quicker, and we generally seem to mesh much better than I did with my ex. But being with him has sort of taught me that what I valued him for when we were just talking is also what I mostly value him for now that we're dating - his good listening, his great sense of humour, the fact he just seems to get me. I could be overthinking things, but I can't shake this weird feeling that while I was with my ex I was somehow having all the trappings of another relationship whilst not indulging in the traditional markers of one. It just doesn't feel right to me. Am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[rivilu]

You know. Now that I've finished it I can say with some confidence that about 90% of the criticism this game faces that I have seen (not counting the anti-woke crybabies- those will die out in time. as they have with every installment of this series.) is sort of. Not missing the point, but missing the reasoning as to why some choices were made?

Heavy spoilers ahead for everything pretty much.

[And also I mean I'm going to speak as an inquisition hater here so in case this breeches my tiny bubble on this site you can stop reading if you enjoy any tiny aspect of that game at all. I am not kind.]

Yes. This game is not Origins or 2. This Thedas is very wishy washy about the core topics they tackled. Some things are straight up not mentioned at all when they REALLY SHOULD BE. Being an elf has you facing 0 negative interactions in TEVINTER for example. But. A lot of these choices were clearly made as a patchwork. Because of how much inquisition shat the bed. Yeah you can't easily bring back the chantry in a critical way when the last game spent 100+ hours bootlicking it against your will. There is a tiny nod to the mage- templar conflict being one sided and cruel in a side quest? But you can't elaborate and examine mages and how they're treated when the last game had a very clear bias and set them up as unreasonable/ pathetic/ willing to shell out to slavers etc. Similarly with elves how the fuck are you meant to move on from. Anything at all inq set up. Without wiping the board on a few to many places.

I'm looking at you, "the Dalish abandon mage kids above a specific count" NPC.

And the gods themselves. Solas himself. I still consider the most absolute dogshit, stupid, horrible, downright deplorable on a coding aspect writing decision in the series. One that I thought was impossible to create ANYTHING of value around before I got to this game. And. Let me tell you. For once the retconning is the glue that holds this thing together instead of being the thing tearing it apart. - Because it leads the game to feel like an au- in a decently good way. It's not recognizable as the Thedas we know - but it's close enough if you squint, and LEAGUES above the inquisition, which also felt like au fanfiction but in the "religious imperialist 100k essay on why minorities are suckers and the status quo rules actually" sense

Yes. We sort of elaborate on the nature of the blight here and the arch demons being?? Essentially lich phylacteries for these blighted gods. Which directly contradicts established information from awakening of the archdemons not being blighted by default. But I played through that and didn't blink because frankly none of this world feels anything like the one awakening takes place in. And the plot point works for the purpose it serves so really? It's fine. Or something like Bellara being able to do what Merrill spent 7 years attempting in a day or so. It works in a self contained way, but if you're trying to view this as a whole- it creates a dissonance.

An that's the thing. It's not a whole. Trying to view it as such is setting yourself up for failure. The devs said that this would be sort of a blank slate- a reset installment. But it isn't.. quite? Inq was. Inq was the one that decided to change the entire genre from dark to high fantasy, botched the transition, and watered everything down until it was an unrecognizable centrist pile of slop (at best). This is working with the horrible decisions made there- and trying to make something good out of them. It is a VALIANT effort. And I do think they mostly succeed. For what it is- it's good. I don't think it's fair to this game that's been in development hell for 10 years to blame it for not keeping things that its predecessor ruined just because they were handled better in origins or two or whatever. Trust me. Origins is still my favorite and always will be. But if you want origins, give bioware- which is currently half laid off- a break, and start barraging EA with interest for a faithful remaster/remake (i'll gladly join). Or do literally anything other than complaining about this not being that. It helps no one.

[itsclydebitches]

I’ve recently joined the Twitter RWBY fandom(a horrible choice, really) and a lot of them hold this regard that Ironwood being a Military Man aswell as Atlas Academy being a pipeline to the Military being foreshadowing and, I can’t really understand that? No where in the show is any of that implied as bad. I was thinking about it a little bit and came to the inclusion that despite Remnant’s worldbuilding calling for a positive outlook on the military, because this is an American anime mostly 1/2

I've thought the same for awhile now, anon. RWBY, for all its many pitfalls, is trying to be a progressive show and that includes taking a hard, critical stance against military might—an argument that, yes, is very much born of America's history. I'm not going to turn this ask into a history lesson (one I'm by no means an expert on anyway), but suffice to say there's indeed a lot to criticize and thus it's no surprise that the queer friendly, unity-focused, American show about an individual "simple soul" would want to paint militarism in a negative light.

Personally, I've got no problem with that thesis. That's actually a show that I would love to watch. Thus, the problem is not RWBY taking a hard stance against a fictional military, it's—as you say—its failure to convey why Remnant's military is worthy of criticism. The work is simply not there. I could write you a novel-length meta on all the ways RWBY dropped the ball in that regard, starting with the world building question of, "Why is a military seen as oppressive when they exist to fight souless monsters instead of other people?" through "Not a single detail in RWBY implies that people are coerced, manipulated, or left behind once they align themselves with the military," circling around, "You spent six Volumes writing Ironwood as a flawed hero, gave us a few episodes as a misguided antagonist, and then a few hours in-world as a villain," straight on through to, "The group coming upon Atlas' battleships is meant to exist as a stand-alone argument of evilness—look at what Ironwood has done in the name of safety!—which is a problem all on its own, but the same image of battleships hovering over Vacuo is meant to exist as a stand-alone argument of celebratory unity and do you see how that doesn't work?"

RWBY wanted to write an anti-military story. They did not write an anti-military story until Volume 8, by which time it was WAY too late to undermine all the positive implications and unanswered questions we'd gotten. However, many viewers—particularly American viewers—picked up on those not-so-subtle hints (hi there, cartoon Ironwood) and ran backwards with the argument, ignoring everything that didn't support it in previous Volumes, or, in a few extreme cases, outright lying about what happened in the show until portions of the fandom heard it often enough that they started misremembering things. Then they passed those simplistic, inaccurate readings on, all of which is exacerbated by many viewers' real feelings towards the military and the knee-jerk assumptions they have if others appear to be promoting it. Even if "promoting it" just means saying something like, "This fictional character in this radically different fantasy world maybe isn't pure evil because the show forgot to establish why creating the means to destroy the literal non-metaphorical monsters is a bad thing."

Which is why it's so difficult to discuss RWBY's failure in this regard because the fan at the other end of the conversation has to acknowledge the nuance of, "Yes, I personally agree with this thesis, but it's a thesis that doesn't exist in RWBY. I'm not arguing that dictators are good, actually, I'm arguing that Ironwood never was one." The moment you talk about anything related to Atlas, Ironwood, their military, etc. and by extension start discussing the ways in which the show canonically wrote those all these as positives in Volumes 1-7, or at the worst flawed necessities, many fans simply jump to, "Oh, so you're okay with Ironwood shooting minorities? Got it." Most in RWDE (that I've come across, anyway) are discussing the depiction of the military within the show—what actually wound up on screen, regardless of the writers' intentions and regardless of our own, irl politics. In contrast, most non-RWDE fans are discussing what the military is meant to represent irl, despite the fact that this representation fails on nearly every level and, as a result, doesn't really exist. That's a huge disconnect that I doubt the fandom will ever get past, especially when these subjects hit close to home for so many and, frankly, it's far easier to toss out accusations that imply a real-life failing than it is to acknowledge that a favorite show is not only badly written, but thoroughly bungled a subject you deeply care about. (Insert the same problem with RWBY's queer rep here.)

[doonarose]

Work ranting below the cut.

My students and staff are driving me up the effing wall. This is a massive crunch year for me. I'm basically out of excuses and either need to start swimming or sink into oblivion. And I'm either a really terrible academic manager (totally likely) or I've just managed to surround myself with the wrong people (also very possible since, in the current climate, beggars can't be choosers).

But like... I had a meeting with a PhD student yesterday (we try to have regular weekly meetings) and tried, very, very gently, to get her to understand that she needs to take a lot more ownership of her work and also step things up because she's entering third year. She's done two years of the exact same experiment a million times, over and over. It was meant to be a few months at the start of her PhD looking for anything interesting to follow up on by basically going on a fishing expedition looking at proteins related to the one she worked on during her Honours. So, lets get the reagents and have a look at a couple of time points and a control. But instead she's done every time point (seven) across two species and two (basically redundant conditions). In Triplicate. And I've been saying, in every meeting for two years, to not do that. Because we don't even know if there's something interesting there.

And there isn't. Not really. Because the quality of her data is also shitty. And I know I should have fixed it, fixed her, etc. but she's anxious and has admitted she can't handle negative feedback.

On top of that, she basically felt a bit overwhelmed about six months in (I completely missed it) and decided she needed to step away from her study... no warning, not even really any signs, just one day she sat down in my office and looked ready to cry. There was zero pressure on her at this point and she said there was nothing else going on in the background. But she was basically threatening to quit and it boiled down to her having some impostor syndrome and not liking being corrected by me (she came up with two incidents and they were like... nothing incidents).

Anyway, she didn't come to a conference that I'd already paid for (rego, accommodation) and that she was never expected to present anything at. Like, it was just a great few days of science at a fucking museum, all expenses paid. And she said she'd rather not.

I just feel like tearing my hair out with it.

And then my honours student walked into my office this morning and asked to delay today's weekly meeting (which is actually two weeks because last week I ran an intensive) because 'yesterday was a nothing week'. Admittedly, we co-opted the main microscopes for two and a half days of the week... but she had two full days access (I used to get 6 hours a week in New York...) and she's meant to be writing/analyzing anyway...

I like these people. They're decent people. But jesus fucking christ, the work ethic, the problem solving, the multitasking, is just Not There.

Then my postdoc... is coming up on three years. That's like $400k of grant money spent on employing him... plus god knows how much in reagents and kit. And has not written a single paper for this lab. Not even a draft. Again - my fault, I'm clearly not steering him correctly.

But I was never like this. I had the most chill, laid-back supervisor and I just brought him data and presentations and papers and was so fucking thankful when he said I'd done a good job.

/rant

I know I'm coming across as an arsehole academic but I'm really struggling with what my future looks like without finding a way of working with these people in a way that produces Something. Like, honestly, my plan for this year is mostly to just get my own arse back in the lab and do this single-handedly.

[opalimagines]

First Date

Rick asks you out on a date. Takes place on Halloween, shortly after the end of season three.

Rick Tyler/gn!reader

Warnings: None

"Are you doing anything for Halloween?"

Rick's question broke you away from your homework, and you looked over at him where he sat beside you on the couch. The two of you were studying at your house that night, having already had dinner together a couple of hours ago.

"I was going to pass out candy," you answered, tapping your pen against your notebook. "Probably watch a few movies."

Halloween was a bit of a complicated thing in your home. Your father did not enjoy the month of October because it brought back too many bad memories of his transformation into The Shade. The Halloween spirit of Opal's citizens still didn't do much to change his mood. But even with all that, he would always let you pick a costume and take you trick-or-treating. For the last few years, he allowed you to decorate the house and pass out candy to the smaller children. And you intended to do the same that year until Rick spoke again.

"The Lost Boys is playing at the drive-in. I thought we could go. As a date...if you still want that." But it sounded like you already had things set for Halloween, which didn't surprise him since it was only a couple of days away.

"Of course I do." Your cheeks burned as if your feelings for each other weren't already well known and out in the open. You hadn't expected him to ask you out so soon, but you didn't mind because he was back to his usual self. And you were glad he was being more obvious about it than you were when you asked him out. You smiled, knowing you'd rather spend that night with him. "I'd love to go with you. It sounds like a lot of fun."

Rick let out a little breath because if he was being honest, a part of him thought you could've changed your mind. Maybe in the process of helping him detox from the hourglass, you decided you didn't actually want him. But that worry turned out to be for nothing. "Great. I'll pick you up at 6."

"I'll be ready," you said as you went back to your homework.

As if you'd even be able to focus after that.

Rick walked up the path leading to your house, the sun already beginning to set. The lights and decorations covering the place were all lit—and moving, if they could do that—and you had a huge bowl of candy sitting out on the porch for once the trick-or-treating began. He knocked, and you opened the door immediately, absolutely beaming.

"You look great," tumbled out of his mouth instead of an actual greeting. But he meant it.

While you had spent quite a while finding the perfect outfit, you didn't look much different than usual. Neither did Rick, yet you still replied, "So do you."

Rick gestured back towards his car. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah." You shut the door behind you and locked it, closing the distance between the two of you. Rick smiled nervously as you walked to his car together, and he opened the door for you to get inside, your heart swelling at how adorable he was trying to be a good date.

He closed the door once you got inside and walked around the front, and when he took his seat, he looked over at you. He really shouldn't have been so jittery about this. Because when he really thought about it, the two of you had practically been dating for months without actually calling it that. Late nights spent studying, going out to Richie's just the two of you, having family dinners at your house, hanging out in your room for hours.

Hell, you'd slept in the same bed and cuddled for several nights just a couple of weeks ago.

But this felt different. Like he could easily ruin it all now.

"Hey," you called softly, reaching to take his hand. "Don't worry. It's only me." You hadn't expected the anxiety rolling off of him. Not to say you weren't a little nervous, too, but mostly, you were just excited. "I understand if you're not ready. This doesn't have to be a date."

"I'm ready," he assured you. "I've just never done this before, and I don't want to screw it up."

"You won't. You're doing fine." You gave his hand a squeeze. "Besides, I've never done this either, so even if you do mess something up, I probably won't even notice."

He'd forgotten about the fact that you also had no real idea what you were doing. You were both inexperienced in this kind of thing. "Thanks, that...actually helps."

"Just remember that it's like any other night we've spent together, only this time we're not hiding anything."

That advice worked like a charm because by the time the movie started, all the worry melted away. The two of you were hanging out together like you'd done so many times, and there was nothing scary about that. Even knowing that you were more than friends now.

He didn't want it to end, but eventually, he was walking you back up to your front door. "Thanks for coming. I had a great time."

"Me, too." You glanced at your front door, then back to him, not wanting the night to end either. "If you want, we can take the leftover candy down to my room and watch more movies. I've got Fright Night, Friday the 13th, The Thing..."

"Yeah, I'd like that." Luckily, Rick did have a liking for campy 80's horror films, but he knew he would've said yes no matter what movies you rattled off.

Grabbing the candy bowl, you unlocked the front door and led him down to the basement. You placed the bowl on the bed and went right for the cabinet under your TV. Rick took his sneakers off and sat up on your bed, watching you rifle through your tapes.

"What's your favorite scary movie?" You asked without looking back at him. "Hopefully, I have it."

He didn't even have to think about it. "Nightmare on Elm Street."

"Good to know." You pulled said tape out of the stack and stuck it into the VCR. "Nice choice, by the way."

"What's yours?"

In a gust of wind, you were throwing all of the extra pillows in the house onto your bed. You climbed on and arranged them against the wall so you could both be more comfortable. "You'll just have to wait and see."

Rick smiled, resting back against the mountain of pillows as you sat next to him, placing the candy bowl on both of your laps.

"Oh, I almost forgot." The air shifted again, and while you were exactly as you had been, the room was suddenly pitch black aside from the light of the TV. "We can't watch scary movies with the lights on."

He'd been a bit too distracted to notice they were on, and he was even more distracted when you leaned into his side as the previews played through. Rick hesitated a moment before lifting his arm up a little and speaking quietly. "Is it okay if I...?"

You grinned over at him, taking his arm and placing it across your shoulders, lacing his fingers with yours. There hadn't been any of that at the drive-in because it wasn't something that really worked in his car. "Rick, we've slept in the same bed. You don't have to be shy about putting your arm around me."

His cheeks flushed, and thankfully, you couldn't see that too well. "Right."

Snuggling into him, you let out a content sigh and grabbed yourself a piece of candy.

As far as first dates went, watching cheesy movies together all night was pretty damn perfect.

Fun fact: Fright Night is mentioned specifically because Charley's car is also a '66 Mustang (but it's a fastback unlike Rick's) and I thought that was interesting 😎

[rival-the-rose]

I meant to make a post yesterday to say that I had such a great day and I figured out how to scrub in while sitting down and made it thru a whole TPLO! I wore an ice belt and had an ice pack down my shirt and used the tall saddle stool and it worked pretty good honestly! I think fractures will be hard, anything that I need to be actively pulling for a long time will be hard since the stool is on wheels, but for basic shit I think I'm good. I did need several applications of alcohol poured down the back of my neck to keep cool but as long as I kept up on that I was a useful scrub nurse which made me so happy. I was worried I would be trashed afterwards but I went to lunch and came back and still had plenty of energy and even spent the last half hour of the day mostly out of my wheelchair running around! I didn't feel great when I got home tho and was back to being semi conscious and wracked with chills.

This morning, I woke up with a pounding headache that got worse with every heartbeat. I chugged a coconut water but had no appetite so I only ate ~half of my oatmeal while I was at work and never finished it. I kept up on water and made it thru 1.5 surgeries, realized I was not doing well after the first one, finished rads and prep for the second one, then took lunch. After eating I had an episode and my partner and my mutual crush had to help me to the car to take me home. Which is where I am now, still barely holding onto consciousness and generally feeling shitty. I was pretty heartbroken, now I'm feeling numb/disengaged from the problem. Of course I am going to have bad days still, even if I'm doing everything right. But it still sucks. I put in so much work, I've had breakfast lunch dinner and 3-5 snacks per day prepared for every work day and I've taken all my meds and different random things to make my body work better and it's so much work and it's still not enough. I know it's not unreasonable to be tired halfway thru my third 12 but I just want to be able to do everything I'm used to doing. And I'm really scared about the prospect of never improving (even tho I've shown plenty of improvement so far, still scary).

[glacierbash]

transfem ysayle headcanons?? 👀

hi bestie hi you're absolutely fueling me today thank you so very much. okokok. so. i've been trying to compile my thoughts in a way that reads as mostly understandable but I just physically cannot, so please excuse my entirely disconnected rambles, I'm GOING to try and make a point in the end (and also i know that anything you specifically may know about ysayle is probably through Post Osmosis so if you have any questions about her ask me I will talk about her for actual HOURS) also final "disclaimer" that's actually just "haha funny story:" this headcanon first came to me in a DREAM months ago, and i couldn't remember what point I had made in my dream until like 2 days ago while talking with my partner, which is why I'm so eager to talk about it now. Literally came to me in a dream. ok with that all out of the wayyyyy

Generally, this hc comes from two different places: Symbolism in the story, and actual, factual, "wow this makes sense and I can point to pieces in the story that make me believe this." With regards to the first half, I point to Ysayle's overarching story: Desperation for change. So much of Ysayle's character motivation comes from this genuine need to see the world changed for the better, to the point of being willing to do anything that she deems necessary. She's extreme, but it comes from desperation (for you specifically, the best way I could think to describe Ysayle is Anders, if blowing up the Chantry was the wrong decision). Furthermore, all of Ysayle's ice theming--ice is something that can change, and remarkably easily, too. There is something to be said that in embodying the cold that defines her, Ysayle allows herself to live a more genuine life. She's change encompassed within a woman, for better and for worse. When she sees the white dragon from her visions as a child after everybody she knew is killed, she is almost reborn in a way--perhaps in this rebirth, she decides to live a life more authentic to herself.

and then, there's her deep connection with Shiva within the story. In FF14, Shiva is a figure from loooong ago who fell in love with the white dragon previously mentioned, Hraesvelgr, and chose to have him consume her so that their souls may never part. Big story about love, and Shiva's influence upon him is the reason Hraesvelgr remained a peaceful figure as much as he REALLY wanted to start blowing shit up. Ever since she was a child, Ysayle saw visions of Shiva and Hraesvelgr, and my idea was that she very much attached her identity to Shiva, even before she had the words to describe how she was feeling about her gender. As she grew older, she related more and more to Shiva, even as the visions scared her--this longing to be like her, even if she didn't know why. Of course, after Ysayle survives the avalanche that kills everybody she knows, what does she have if not her visions to cling to more? As Ysayle decides to rally the heretics to fight against the Holy See and try to end the war, she hails Shiva as a saint, truly claiming her as part of herself.

This connection to Shiva, this claiming of her, goes hand in hand with Ysayle fully embracing her gender identity, going so far as to conjure up a false god that is meant to be Shiva, this completely idolized being that is everything Ysayle needs to be. And then, when Hraesvelgr denies Ysayle's creation, claiming it to be a mockery of his beloved Shiva, is that not ripping apart Ysayle's identity? She has spent so long attaching to this woman from her visions, this figure she idolizes, to the point of, again, creating a false god to embody, only to be told by the one living being that knew her, you will never be her. It's beyond devastating--it is no wonder that it sends Ysayle into an absolute spiral.

Of course, what of when she shows of to stop the heretics attacking Ishgard? Saying "there is no more war. There is no more reason to keep fighting." it's almost as though Ysayle is peeling herself away from Shiva, trying to stand on her own as her own woman, being her own figure not dictated by this dream she wanted to attain. And then, come the First Flight of the Excelsior, wherein Ysayle rides upon dragon's back to save us? It is as herself. There is no Lady Iceheart, and the Shiva she conjures is not defined by her idolizing dreams--it is Ysayle, as she longs to be, desperate to save us all.

(And of course x2, this makes me even more feral for "Ysayle lived" aus, where ysayle is given not just a second but a third chance at life, and she doesn't feel like she has to earn it. Her life isn't dictated by war, or by loss, or by violence, or by dreams from her youth. She's finally given a future to decide what she wants to do. She's fought for her future and won. her old child-like self who dreamed of a better world, who wanted to know why she felt so connected to the white-haired woman from her terrifying visions, doesn't know it--but one day they'll be happy. one day, they'll be free. One day, it'll all be worth it. One day.)

[landscaping-your-mind]

I thought about this episode a ton when I first listened to it, tried to do a whole little analysis thing but I'm not too good at focusing a lot of the time, especially on things that get me really excited for some reason, like I can do all this great analysis when I'm calm and really passionate about something, but when I'm excited, when I've just listened to this really cool episode of my favourite podcast I can get a little too excited. I can know things, and point them out, but it's hard to articulate my thoughts.

However, this episode really does have a lot, and I spent about an hour talking to my sister about it - and the rest of TMA I had listened to at the time - but mostly this episode.

So, introduction aside, I'm now going to be talking about this episode, how lovely!

@a-mag-a-day

Also, gosh, I'm just a little guy, I'm really trying not to say anything wrong but I'm going to get stuff wrong, and I would appreciate it if we take my potential mistakes in good faith, and try to help me if I get things wrong. I don't want to be attacked on the internet, thanks, it'll do awful things for my anxiety!

Dehuminisation of the Enemy

From the tiny slit in the metal, he can see other soldiers: baby-faced friends and the monstrous, pig-faced enemy, both falling underneath his iron coffin’s advance.

The first moment of the dehuminisation of the enemy in this statement. That's a common tactic in propaganda, to justify wars among other things.

Sometimes, in the distance, Hasanna sees them. The enemy, their skin rough, dark, and scaly; their faces twisted around cruel tusks, viciously sharpened teeth, and a pair of beady red eyes. Their lips are smeared crimson with the blood of children, and their greatest delight is to pluck the eyes of the innocent with their bayonets. To call them monsters is the simple truth. They feel no pain, no remorse, and seek nothing but carnage. Sometimes, in the distance, Hasanna can even see an enemy triage tent, almost identical in appearance to her own. She can only imagine the atrocities that must take place inside. Far in the distance, she sees Alexei look out over the battlefield, and her stomach turns at the detestable wrongness of his face. Alexei in turn looks out from deep in the trench. He catches sight of the enemy, their shrivelled rat-like heads causing the bile to rise in his throat.

I like how this makes it clear that dehuminising the enemy was meant as a commentary, rather than just leaving it unchallenged in the text. I don't doubt the intelligence of the audience, but leaving it with just the perspective of those on one side, using discriminatory and dehuminising language and phrases and things could lead to unfortunate implications best avoided.

I do quite like how it goes from Hasanna viewing Alexei as monstrous when she in turn is viewed by him as monstrous, as well as also acknowledging that both sides would shoot her down just as fast, but calls the guns on her side "the just guns of heroes" and the guns on their side "the hungry guns of the vile enemy."

War, hunh, what is it good for? (absolutely nothing!)

A trench that marks the front line of a war that has no name. It has always been raging, deep in the hearts of the powerful and those that thirst to see bodies piled high in their name.

This war - like many others - is pointless, I like how it's pointed out that it's the war of the rich and powerful, and that it seems to have no purpose, it is just continuing in perpetuity.

Ishaan remembers the recruiters. He was promised valour, and camaraderie, and the chance to be part of something meaningful. He knew that part had been a lie, but then, so was the choice. His alternative was stagnant poverty, and that was really no choice at all.

I have heard that at least the U.S. military gives scholarships to members or former members of the army, and here Ishaan says that the recruiters used his financial situation to get him to join, or he had to because of his financial situation. That's very fucked up, actually, especially considering what I know about student loans in the U.S.

He smiles, pale skin splitting beneath his bristling white moustache, and he begins to shake Alexei by the hand.

I really do like that it's specified that the man is pale.

“Good lad,” he says. “Good lad. Heroes one and all. A noble sacrifice.”

I heard about this guy a little while, Pat Tillman. He was hailed as a war hero, who was killed rescuing his fellow soldiers, when he actually died due to friendly fire, under supposedly suspicious circumstances. And yet his image was used for propaganda. This reminded me of that.

But the man with the flower reaches his hand into the soldier’s chest, and with a single, jolly motion, plucks out Alexei’s heart and places it in his wallet.

I remember this stuck out to me on my first listen, because obviously it did. Taking out Alexei's heart and putting it in his wallet, is quite clearly an analogy for war profiteering. Sacrificing the lives of people - soldiers, civilians - for profit. Their literal hearts in a wallet, you can't get a more obvious analogy than this /lh.

Good Lord, Leo, Can't You Get Away From Your Favourite Analysis For Half A Second?

Now, his body has contorted itself to fit, his fingers clutched around the firing lever; pulling it frantically is the only thing that will reduce the impossible heat even for a moment.

As the heading implies, yes this is about my "becoming an avatar is an analogy for trauma and the cycle of violence," because I will not and cannot shut up about it. I think that the having to harm others to relieve their pain is reminiscent of how anger can be used as a maladaptive coping mechanism - hurting others to feel better.

It may be common or it may be rare but a misconception, but there's that whole "bullies are actually having a bad home life," which personally... I don't have anything to contradict that, and I've met a couple people who sucked who didn't suck anymore, and came back and told me that their life was rough and they took it out on others. Not an excuse, but a reason.

(jon voice) Give Me A God Damn Rambling Section Or I Am Going To Die

ARCHIVIST (Humourless laugh) Oh, they’re real. They were normal people before the- Before me. But now they’re here, meat for the grinder. I just mean there’s no point— talking to them.

Stop it, leave me alone, I hate how his voice sounds, meaning I love it, I signed up for the horror tragedy, I did not get lured in here by the promise of gay people - I mean I knew Jon was ace - I came here for the body horror, I really liked the body horror. It's just he sounds so... not okay, and thus I am not okay.

ARCHIVIST (Shakily) I-I’m sorry, I— There’s just so much. There’s so much, Martin, and I know all of it, I can see all of it, and I- it’s filling me up; I need to let it out! MARTIN I’m sorry, but tough. Okay, th- that’s not what I’m here for. I can’t be that for you; I, I- I just. Can’t. ARCHIVIST (Quiet) I- I know.

Genuinely, someone tell me why they think jmart is an unhealthy relationship? You know what I was thinking in season 5? I was thinking that they communicate better than a lot of other fictional relationships. Like, mate, they're in the middle of an apocalypse, things aren't going to be sunshine and rainbows.

ARCHIVIST Martin? (louder) Martin? Martin, I hate your tea, and wish you made coffee instead. Alright then.

Firstly, this line sounds more like normal Jonny than the Archivist. Secondly, I think this section is quite adorable. "I am not nor have I ever been adorable", yeah sure. (/s)

Also, recommendations for things similar or that I remembered while writing this thing: Once Upon A Time (In Space) by The Mechanisms, and Welcome To Night Vale - specifically episode 79 - Lost in the Mall.

Also, I'm trying to get my sister who studies international development to listen to at least one episode of Welcome To Night Vale, if anyone knows one that'll interest her? I think I can get her with the satirical political commentary. She also doesn't like horror, so. Please help <3

Anyway, yeah! I have a lot of thoughts on this episode! I love it so much! Please don't be mean to me, internet <3

[ahiddenpath]

Life Update

Life chat beneath the cut. I feel like this one is a bit on the whiney complainy side, but it is where I am now, so I'm keeping it for posterity, lol! But don't read if you're not down for some whine and cheese xD

So I took the last week off from work. I was frustrated, because I didn't go anywhere- it was a staycation. We opted for that mostly because I was going to lose my gd mind if I didn't get some time off. I get 3 weeks off per year, plus a week closure around Christmas "made of" federal holidays that we do not get, so I try to optimize my time off. But... I didn't have the brain space to do anything, and also, as I tried to plan things... Holy damn, everything is so much more expensive than it was even like three years ago.

But now I'm further frustrated because I spent the vast majority of the week just doing damned chores and household projects. Like, I told myself I would stop doing any chores yesterday, but I still spent until 2 PM exercising and doing "a few quick things." The same thing happened today. I'm kind of in, like, a horrible sort of awe of how long shit takes, man. For example, it took my husband and I about 2 hr to take down a broken ceiling fan that was 30 years old and not very user friendly and replace it with a new one. It took me an hour with a hair drier and a scraper to remove like 2.5 cm of hot glue from a doll's head (holding her removable eyes in place) so I could send her out to be painted. And I spent 40-90 min outside for like 8-12 days weeding and doing some basic yard work to prep for a mulch delivery.

I'm trying to be more fit recently. I am, ah. A very unfit human. I think I somehow have not mentioned this in the 12 years of this blog, but... I've had a million surgeries on my hip and spent roughly age 6 months to 2 yrs in a body cast, then until roughly age 4 in physical therapy to learn to move around. I'm clumsy and can just, like, fall over unprompted, I assume because of all that. I don't have the full range of movement in my lower body, so doing physical things can be... Really daunting. I always put exercise and mobility training off.

And of course, it's starting to bite my ass, lmao. I recently learned that humans begin losing muscle mass in their 30s, meaning that weight training is essential. I also learned that using a machine to exercise (like an elliptical) is only good for cardiovascular health. The machine takes on a lot of the... strain?? Work?? Of moving, meaning you aren't working your body in the same way as when you just... Walk. It's meant to help you work out longer, so you can develop your cardiovascular system. (Incidentally, this is why walking and hiking are great exercise).

That's why I took on a lot of the gardening/yard work. I did clear out all of the weeds! And the way my soreness decreased over the days means that I did something good for my body.

But, like. The amount of time caring for your body takes is absolutely gobsmackingly unreal. Holy shit god damn! I've always struggled to keep the balls of work, mental health, creativity, physical health, and social health in the air, not touching on chores and stuff. The physical ball is the one I always put down first.

But I only get this one body, and the American healthcare system is a nightmare. So... Yeah, the priorities need to shift here. My foot has been hurting for a few weeks, now, and it happened last year after Japan, too. It's time to actually go to the doctor for that.

I am sensing more and more that I need to give less to work, too. That's difficult for someone like me to do, because I always feel a deep need to do my best with everything. But... Working this hard just isn't sustainable, and it isn't as if I'm rewarded over someone in the same position who does less.

I haven't had much of an opportunity to rest or do anything creative this week, despite being off. And I'm just as distressed by the fact that um... Just being gone at work from 8:20 AM-5:50 PM every day makes it impossible to do the tasks that built up over the last 3-4 years of being in this home. You know, sometimes people tell me, "But what would you do if you didn't have a job? I'd go crazy!" And I'm like- DUDE. DUDE! I could exercise, walk, work on house projects, and do chores all day every day for like three years and still have stuff to do! That doesn't even touch the personal projects and hobbies I want to work on.

Hopefully, I can figure out some kind of balance that works for me and is healthy. I wish you all the best, my dears <3