#and then I’d hate it bc I hate when my legs are bald like they rub together and they itch and they grow back prickly and the whole gender of

[milo-is-rambling]

Me wanting long body hair vs wanting to wax my legs just cause I think I’ll like the pain of it

[zukkaoru]

i am. love you. tehe.

oda & naomi + "you look very manly in this photo"

sigma & margaret + "that's it. i'm leaving"

fyodor & chuuya + "Because you’re not to step within a thousand feet of a Cinnabon, [name]"

lucy & gin + "i'm gonna kick your... HEAD"

kyouka & jun'ichirou + "umm, we just exploded a bus!"

ranpo & elise + "sit down, shut up, and i'll buy you a candy bar"

ango & chief taneda + "professor you are bald as hell"

hiiii beloved <333 umm okay obviously the oda & naomi one is beast au. and the fyodor and chuuya one is a no abilities au?? no other context though. also the gin & lucy one kind changed to gin/lucy bc uhhhh i'm a lesbian. thank u

“You look very manly in this photo,” Naomi muses. Oda looks up to find her holding a photograph of Kunikida, taken from a security camera during his most recent mission. Kunikida, of course, ignores her. “Let me see,” Oda says. Naomi hands him the picture and he looks it over before nodding in agreement, just to see if he can draw out a better reaction. “I agree, Naomi-chan. It’s a good photo—very manly. Only thing I’d change is the glasses. He could go for something sexier.” Naomi snorts. Kunikida’s brow furrows. “My glasses are perfectly fine. I would appreciate it if you would stop gossiping about me while I am right here, trying to work.” Naomi rolls her eyes, and Oda bites back a snicker as he passes the picture back over.

-

“That’s it.” Margaret slams her hands on the table, standing up. “I’m leaving!”

As she goes, Sigma eyes the spread of cards warily. There’s no way this wasn’t stacked, though they’d assured Lucy wasn’t the one dealing, since she likes showing off her new illegal skills whenever possible. Apparently she isn’t the only (former) Guild member who can stack a deck of cards.

Sigma sighs. They stand too, heading to find Margaret. They tune out the background noise of Lucy yelling at Mark and John while Louisa tries to calm her down.

When they find Margaret, she’s standing with her back against the wall, arms folded over her chest. She huffs. “I know they’re cheating so I’ll lose.”

Sigma purses their lips. “You’re probably right. …But they aren’t the only ones who know how to cheat at card games. …I could help you get a little revenge?”

Slowly, a smile spreads across Margaret’s face.

-

Chuuya grabs Fyodor by the back of his jacket, preventing him from taking even one more step.

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because,” Chuuya sighs. “You are not to step within one thousand feet of a Cinnabon. Your partners were very specific. If I have to babysit you, I don’t want you getting high off cinnamon or whatever the hell you did to make them give me that warning.” They begin walking in the opposite direction of the mall, dragging Fyodor behind them. They don’t know how they let Dazai talk them into agreeing to this.

“I have done no such thing.”

“Full offense, but I don’t believe you. Now pick up your feet or we’re going to be late. Sigma is waiting for us and she deals with enough shit just having to be friends with you.”

-

“I’m gonna kick your…HEAD!” Lucy exclaims.

Gin raises their eyebrows, clearly calling into question Lucy’s ability to follow through with her threat. Which only serves to fan the flame of anger burning bright in Lucy’s chest. Stupid Gin and their stupid piercing gaze and perfect looks and nimble fingers and Lucy hates that they probably could kick her head, if they tried. It’s infuriating. Gin is infuriating.

“I could do it!” Lucy argues. “You’re not that tall! I could get my leg all the way up there! Just watch!”

Lucy kicks, and while she does come close, Gin easily evades her foot. They dodge effortlessly, and in one swift movement, they’ve got Lucy pinned against the wall with one arm against her throat. Their eyes seem to stare into Lucy’s soul, grey like swirling storm clouds.

Lucy swallows thickly, her gaze dropping to where Gin’s mouth is covered by their mask.

Shit.

-

“Um…” Jun’ichirou swallows nervously. “We just exploded a bus.”

“Yes,” Kyouka agrees. Her tone is far too calm for their current situation. The remains of said bus are still smoldering before them, and they’re lucky everyone else managed to escape in time.

“After being attacked by demon triplet ability users.”

“Yes,” Kyouka repeats. She sheaths her knife.

Jun’ichirou stares hopelessly at the smoke wafting into the sky. He’s already imagining the damage report he’s going to have to complete once this case is wrapped up, and they’ve barely even started it. The ability users got away, and Jun’ichirou has no idea which direction they even escaped in, and when he and Kyouka were assigned this case, they weren’t even aware there were ability users involved!

He sighs. It’s going to be a long day.

-

“Sit down and shut up!” Ranpo snaps. They are at the end of their rope, and if Elise doesn’t chill out in the next two seconds, he’s going to attempt murder. “If you do, I’ll buy you a candy bar.”

Elise stops her singing and dancing immediately. “Really?”

“Yes! Just— Stop being so annoying!”

Elise sits down obediently. “Okay. I want my candy bar now.”

“I can’t go buy it while I’m babysitting.”

She glares at him for a moment, and then starts singing again, even louder than last time. It hurts Ranpo’s ears and his head and God why is she like this?! If Mori can make her behave however he wants, why is she literally the worst person on earth?!

“FINE!” Ranpo shouts. He marches over to where his stash of snacks is, grabs the first candy bar he sees, and throws it at Elise. “Now be quiet!”

Elise grins smugly as she begins unwrapping the candy.

-

“Professor,” Ango says, the word slurring with sleep as it falls from his lips. Taneda looks over at him, unsurprised to see he’s nearly started dozing at his desk. What does surprise him, however, is that Ango meets his gaze and finishes his sentence with, “You are…bald as hell.”

“What?”

But Ango just hums absentmindedly before returning to his work. As if he’s said nothing out of the ordinary.

Taneda lifts a hand to his head, unsure if the comment should make him self-conscious or just concerned for Ango’s well-being. It’s certainly not something he would have said if he were in a sound state of mind, but a sleep-deprived Ango is often one who is unable to control his brain-to-mouth filter.

So, Taneda simply sighs and prepares himself for the battle that is convincing Ango to go home and rest.

[commander-sarahs-art]

Hello one and all! 

I am back with yet another portrait sale! This time so I can help the two lights of my life, @weird-aunt and her precious dog with the costs of vet bills! Long story short, Nova has been diagnosed with bone cancer in her front right leg (You can see her little bald spot from where the biopsy was taken) and her leg is set to be amputated on the 26th of January. That’s going to cost $3,000+ not including things for her recovery and to help her adjust to life as a tripawd after surgery. <3 Nova means everything to Lacy and Lacy means everything to me~ So I wanted to be able to help out in whatever way I can, so this money is going straight to them (Addendum: as a compromise, to get lacy to let me run the sale to help since she was worried about me being able to pay my own things we have split this 75/25 and all Ko-fi donations and extra tips go to her!) <3 I’ll make sure to post when I send all of the money over to her and updates on how Nova is doing for all of you!<3

Portrait Sale Information!:

Cost for each portrait is $30, you can commission up to 3 portraits per batch! One character per portrait!

Payment is upfront, I will send an invoice as soon as I confirm your request and put you in the queue!

This is a sale on Bust/Waist up sketch portraits that would normally cost about $35-42 ish dollars.

These will have simple backgrounds, lighting effects, and some shading! 

This time around they will be more simple than last, Backgrounds please keep simple, nothing super detailed please!, I would really prefer to keep these super simple! So if we could keep hands to a minimum I'd be v grateful! <3

My standard commission rules apply, no NSFW, Anthro (Creatures with horns and things are okay so long as theyre mostly humanoid, I’m just not very good at animal features), mecha, etc. If you have any questions feel free to email me! :D

I have an unlimited number of slots for these and I will be completing them in order as I receive them! 

These can take me anywhere from a few days to a few weeks depending on how many I receive and your place in the queue! Along with how my health is treating me so please be patient with me :( <3

As always you can track your progress in the queue on my Trello! (No link here bc Tumblr hates links but check my bio for all necessary links! Including my Ko-Fi if you just feel like donating!)

Please send your request along with references and your paypal email to Sarahgsart@gmail.com !

Signal boosting would be greatly appreciated!

[fresh-bag-of-ham]

ok let’s talk SUNSCREEN

SO the UV filters available in the US can at this point be considered truly terrible. One of the main reasons you’re supposed to reapply sunscreen every two hours is that many of the filters we use are destroyed by the very UV radiation they are designed to block. Killed in the line of duty, thank you for your sacrifice, etc. Counterpoint: sunscreen is gross and reapplying it every two hours is the worst. I am not doing that. Fortunately, Europe and Japan/Korea have been much quicker to approve newly developed more stable UV filters for use and at this point they have some really good ones. They also have much better UVA protection, both because of the better filters available and better labeling regulations.

A quick simplified summary: UVB causes sunburns, is directly absorbed by DNA strands which causes the mutations that lead to skin cancer, SPF measures protection against this only. UVA does more generic damage, creates free radicals associated with aging, wrinkles, collagen loss, pigmentation, etc. etc., but can also contribute to immunosuppression and therefore skin cancer. It’s more complex than this obviously but that’s not really the point of this post.

My sunscreen criteria: I hate wearing sunscreen. However, Accutane + sun = an extremely bad time. My ideal sunscreen is something that doesn’t feel disgusting to wear so I will wear it regularly in the first place (i.e. dry-touch), something I ideally don’t have to reapply super often under normal daily use (i.e. photostable UV filters, water-resistant when necessary), and has maximum protection. As long as I’m wearing it, I also want as much UVA protection as I can find, without compromising the former criteria.

Note: The sunscreens I tried are almost all chemical UV filters and several are loaded with alcohol, so if that upsets your skin then proceed with caution/ask me for a specific rec!

Note 2: All of these are SPF50+ (the highest rating allowed in the EU (meaning they tested at at least SPF60) unless otherwise specified *cough*Supergoop*cough*)

Best Face: Kao Biore UV Aqua Rich Watery Essence (x)

Best feel, best protection, best price point. This gets recommended everywhere for a reason. Bit of a silicone feel on the face. No white cast. Smells like alcohol at first. Really, really quality daily face sunscreen. Water resistant. Caveat that because of the alcohol I would make sure to throw a layer of moisturizer on beforehand to make sure I’m not totally drying myself out.

Also make sure you get the name exactly right, there’s a blah blah Watery Gel that’s totally different consistency, totally different filters, etc. etc. It has to be Watery Essence.

Best Body: Eucerin Sun Sensitive Protect Dry Touch Sun Gel-Cream (x)

This was a sleeper hit, so shout-out to Eucerin for the greatest body sunscreen I’ve ever tried. This stuff is SO protective and dries SO. DAMN. DRY. Zero grease somehow, feels like nothing. It’s even water resistant. I tried a couple LRP body sunscreens but they honestly aren’t worth mentioning. Eucerin or bust babey!

More Face Sunscreens:

I’ve also tried all top five sunscreens from this Stylevana listicle of Asian face SPF (x). The thing about face sunscreens that they’ve started doing is loading them up with silicones and acrylate polymers, which leaves a silicone-y feel on your skin like a makeup primer. As far as I can tell from poking through various patents, these polymers are doing a few things in the formula: a) emulsifying/stabilizing the newer/bigger UV filter molecules, and creating an occlusive layer over the UV filter molecules on the skin to a) improve water resistance and b) reduce eye stingy-ness. At first I thought I wanted to avoid these seemingly unnecessary additives but considering their function, these are all features I want/need in a face sunscreen so we’re living with them.

1. Shiseido - Anessa Perfect UV Sunscreen Skincare Milk: really good, sliiight white cast but absolutely no streaks, more like a foundation just a hair too light for my skin tone. However I can’t imagine buying this because #2 on the list is better and 1/3 the price. Medium silicone feel. Something I’d probably only break out for when I went to an outdoor summer wedding.

2. Kao - Biore UV Aqua Rich Watery Essence: I have already sung its praises.

3. MISSHA - All Around Safe Block Essence Sun Milk: closest to a US milky/greasy sunscreen experience here, though very fluid and still absorbs nicely. No silicone feel. Not a bad choice but nothing special.

4. Canmake - Mermaid Skin Gel UV: probably second favorite after Biore. Similar, bit less of a silicone feel. I’ve gotten red a couple times using this though, possibly because less silicone feel = no layer of protection against sweat/physically rubbing off? I bet this would be perfect under makeup though, it’s super light.

5. COSRX - Aloe Soothing Sun Cream: SO moisturizing, almost a dewy feel that sits on your skin and never dries. I wanted to love her, but unfortunately she is so loaded with the aforementioned polymers that when you reapply/put the appropriate amount on to begin with, it completely gums up and pills and you lose all protection. Also definitely not water resistant. Probably my top pick for a winter daily face sunscreen that I wouldn’t ever be worrying about reapplying though.

Other Contenders:

La Roche-Posay Anthelios Invisible Fluid (x) and Bioderma Photoderm Max Milk (x)

These two bad boys have the highest rated UVA protection currently on the market, 46 PPD for La Roche-Posay and 42 PPD for Bioderma. The LRP is extremely watery (technically alcohol-y) and comes in a teeny bottle(though same size as a lot of these I guess) but it is The Best UVA protection money can buy. The texture is really nice too, and feels super water resistant. If I’m outside sweating or on the water in the summer, this is going on my face. I've also seen it on sale multiple times since I’ve started researching sunscreens (because it’s extremely popular) so you can definitely find it in the $0.30/mL-or-less tier if you keep an eye out.

This Bioderma is cheaper and also extremely protective (thanks Helena @bronyraurmp3 for the rec!) but unfortunately it stung both my and Mr T’s eyes like a BITCH. Extremely unpleasant experiences for both of us. TBH if I’m out in midday sun, swimming or kayaking or something, I’m gonna be wearing a long-sleeved UPF rashguard to protect my arms and upper body and not worrying too much about whatever cheap greasy sunscreen I put on my legs. This Bioderma stuff would be going on my neck, ears, and hands though bc it’s super water resistant.

Eucerin Sun Sensitive Protect Mattifying Fluid : bit of a white cast, really slippy texture going on and nice dry touch texture when it dried down, but drying down took foreeever. Probably really nice if you’re sensitive and pale.

Eucerin Sun Oil Control Gel-Cream Dry Touch : VERY matte and dry-touch, would have loved it if I hadn’t gotten burned using it (doesn’t have all the newest most stable UV filters). Approaching the expensive end of things too, but would be a lovely option if you really prioritize non-greasiness and don’t need the premium protection? Mr T really liked using it on his bald head lol.

Supergoop Unseen Sunscreen SPF40 (US): This is recommended many places but it has to be a joke that people are actually paying Shiseido Anessa prices for old American UV filter selection, only SPF 40, and no UVA rating to speak of, right??? (ok they do have a PA+++ rating meaning a PPD of 8-16, so. this is acceptable.) I did not test this one but damn wtf. The texture is probably nice though and it looks perfectly sheer in the photos on their website, so maybe as a last resort for darker skintones that show a white cast with everything else? At that price tho... you do you but damn.

Jigott Snail UV Sun Block : This had good reviews on Yesstyle but it sucked. White streaks, bad.

La Roche-Posay Anthelios Ultra-Light Tinted Mineral Sunscreen SPF60 (US): Another in the outdoor-wedding only price range. There’s a tinted and a non-tinted mineral version and I ended up mixing them together to get a shade that looked pretty good on me, but needing two bottles for that puts it in the extremely ridiculous price category. Really slippy nice texture that takes a bit to dry but dries down perfectly matte. I guess the person who wants to shell out for a high end all-mineral tinted sunscreen exists somewhere out there but I would bet there are many nice cheaper mineral options out there that I haven’t tried.

And that’s it! For EU sunscreens, I was able to order them on caretobeauty.com, and Japanese/Korean ones from yesstyle.com or stylevana.com, though I had to go to eBay for the Biore and Anessa. I ordered some Biore from a seller on Amazon but they shipped from Japan and I think they got taken by customs because the last known location on the tracking info is Chicago, so finding a seller in the US that has already imported them seems like a good idea (vendor lullabellabeauty on eBay worked great for me, fwiw, I will definitely order my Biore from there in the future).

If you have specific questions about any of these, or if you have any recs you think I should try, hmu! You will be shocked I’m sure to hear I have a whole sunscreen database at this point.

[maybe-your-left]

I👏🏻NEED👏🏻FERAL👏🏻BOYTOY👏🏻KYLE👏🏻RON. GIVE ME ALL THE THINGS THIS ANIMAL WILL DO TO PROTECT YOUR HONOR. SHE SHANT BE LONG😉

YOU SHANT BE LONG BC IM A LITTLE MANIC AND KYLO HAS BEEN AT THE RIME OUT RESORT FOR A WHILE.

enjoy this blrub of kylo being a good boyfriend. and defending your “honor” which just means i didn’t listen to your request.

———

“So whats happening?” Kylo twitched out of your grasp. You had been running your fingers through his damp hair for the past ten minutes, scratching his scalp the way he likes. Both of you were squeezed in your apartments bathroom, too small of a space for your gigantic boyfriend but he didn’t care as long as he was near you.

“I’m just gonna cut your hair,” you mumbled, picking up some of his long locks between your middle and forefinger. Fanning out the ends to inspect his dead ends, he didn’t have many. The man took care of his hair more than most women, but that wasn’t what this was about.

Today, you were cutting his hair to practice for school. You had recently started cosmetology, and the introductory unit to men’s hair was coming up the next week. You had little experience with cutting men’s hair, the only time you’ve done anything was braiding Kylos hair when he’s going to workout. He was very hesitant to let you do anything, you were really good at cutting women’s hair and your own. But he barely let his barber touch his hair without growling, needless to say you had to bribe him with something VERY good.

Kylo hummed at your touch, rubbing the tops of his thighs. He was anxious, he wouldnt stop fidgeting while you were setting up your tools. You don’t think you’ve seen him this stressed out before, but he loved you. He would do anything for you, so he was going to let you fuck around with his hair.

You placed a kiss to his forehead, bringing your hands to clasp on the back of his neck. “You don’t have to baby... I could probably bribe Ben with some food or something...”

He shook his head, “Nope, no. I’m your boyfriend, you can cut my hair.” Kylo angled his head back, looking up into your eyes. “Please just, don’t make me bald. I still have to go to work.”

“You won’t be bald,” you smiled, “However... I thought I’d try a mohawk...”

———

You spent the next few hours going through various stages of cutting his hair. Starting off with trimming, which he loved, and then his anxiety spiked when you starting cutting more. Exposing his ears more and more, mirroring how Ben and Matt styled their hair. Kylo hated his ears, truthfully you hadn’t seen them bare in a few years. Not since he had shaved his head for a bet that he lost...

“Okay,” you sighed, dropping your scissors and comb to the counter. You wiped your hands on your apron, flecks of his black hair had gotten everywhere. Kylo had his eyes closed, taking in deep, calming breaths while you cleaned up some. You pinched his right cheek, “You aren’t bald baby.”

“Mm,” he looked up at you, “Am I going to be upset?”

“Nooo,” you ran your fingers through the remainder of his hair. Taking the time to skim the tops of his ears, earning a flinch from Kylo. You had cut... a lot of it. He looked very different, not as menacing, but still Kylo. Almost younger, like he wasn’t almost 28.

“I did shave the sides though, remember”

Kylo bit his lip, making a high pinched whine as he nodded.

“Could I pierce your ears Ky?”

“What?”

You perched on his lap, wrapping your legs around his waist. He was glaring at you, eyes on fire from your suggestion. You kissed along his jaw, up towards his ear. Skimming against the short hairs that graced the side of his head, “Please?”

“What does that have to do with beauty school?”

You shrugged, “I think it would make you look very beautiful.”

Kylo hummed, kissing your cheek as he thought.

“No.”

———

I WAS FEELING SOFT OKAY SOFT FOR BOYFRIEND KYLO. SUE ME. ALSO THIS IS WHAT HIS HAIR LOOKS LIKE.

[trensu]

Episode 48: The One where JGY and SS Host a Pity Party and Everyone Wishes They Hadn't

The show just dunks us right into yunmeng bro feelings again

jc's all should i get on my knees and thank you?

and wwx is like i never wanted your thanks

and now jc is just spilling his insecurities all over the place

Blah wwx was always better than him blah blah everyone liked wwx more blah blah DADDY ISSUES blah blah blah

and wwx just looks more and more hurt as all this bitterness is pouring out of his little brother 😞

i mean even jl was like hey uncle, maybe don't do that???

lwj is glaring at jc the whole time ofc

and jc gets so mad he tries to start a physical fight EVEN THO HE HAS A GAPING STAB WOUND IN THE CHEST

which is actually quite hilarious if you ignore how utterly heartbreaking the yunmeng bros relationship is

thankfully jl and lxc hold him back (not that he could've gone very far bc again GAPING STAB WOUND)

and ofc lwj has to throw in his two cents

lwj: clan leader jiang. Discretion

oh lwj, a man of few words

Oh no, ohno, oh nooooo, jc’s starting on their oath oh god

“YOU SAID THAT I WOULD BE THE CLAN LEADER AND YOU WOULD BE MY SUBORDINATE. YOU WOULD ASSIST ME FOR LIFE”

“SO WHAT IF THE TWIN JADES OF GUSU ARE THERE. WE WERE THE TWIN HEROES OF YUNMENG”

*GROSS SOBBING*

CAN I TOO GET A GAPING STAB WOUND IN THE CHEST BC I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WOULD HURT LESS

OH GOD WWX'S EYES ARE ALL RED

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING. YOU TREAT ME LIKE A LITTLE FOOL."

OH THIS HURTS SO MUCH

that last bit, tho. i can't even hold that against him bc wwx DID lie to him. he DID neglect to trust him and his judgement. 

he took jc's choice away and made it for him, and that's not cool. 

and, like, i get it, I do bc i would probably want to do the same thing wwx did if i were in a similar situation with my own siblings

BUT STILL

jc: shouldn't i hate you? can't i hate you?

WHICH REALLY JUST TELLS ME THAT HE DOESN'T HATE WWX

HE WOULD NOT BE THIS TORN UP, THIS TEARFUL MESS, IF HE DIDN'T STILL LOVE HIS BROTHER AND WANT HIM BACK

this whole time jc is inching towards wwx, getting closer and closer until he's close enough to punch him if he wanted

Jc does make a sudden sharp movement towards wwx 

Which obvs has lwj jolting forward to protect wwx

But wwx IMMEDIATELY puts a hand on lwj's knee

jin ling darts forward to hold his uncle and is like, hanguang jun, my uncle's hurt!!

BC JC IS THE ONLY NOT EVIL AND/OR DEAD FAMILY HE HAS LEFT 

AND EVEN JL KNOWS THAT LWJ IS SO VERY WILLING TO HURT ANYONE WHO HURTS WWX

I AM HAVING TOO MANY EMOTIONS

jc's angry and hurting and is like i'm not afraid of lwj, come at me bro

lwj GLARES at him, brow furrowed and mouth pinched

jc: why? why wwx? why didn't you tell me?

oh god, he's not even yelling anymore, he's just fucking crying and i'm crying and there's just wet icky tears everywhere

wwx takes a shuddery breath and tells him it's bc he didn't want to see him like this

JC: you said i would be clan leader and you would be my subordinate. you would assist me for life. you'd never betray the jiang clan. you said it yourself

HE'S NOT YELLING. HE'S NOT EVEN ANGRY

his voice is weak, and shaky, and weepy and he's just so, so hurt

AND I'M A SOBBING MESS

and wwx swallows passed the lump in his throat but his voice still sounds a bit raw when he speaks

wwx: i'm sorry. i broke my promise.

FUCK 

FUCKING HELL

MY YUNMENG BROS

jc: we've reached this point. i don't need your apology now. i'm not that delicate

STFU JC, YOU BALD-FACED LIAR, "NOT THAT DELICATE" 

YOU'RE AS MUCH OF A SOBBING WRECK RN AS I AM

GET A THERAPIST JC

"NOT THAT DELICATE" I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE IS WHAT I'M GONNA DO. GOD. NOT THAT DELICATE

JC: i'm sorry

*sobsobsobsob* MY YUNMENG BROS

wwx: don't apologize to me. that's what i owed the jiang clan.

here wwx closes the distance between them to place a hand on his brother's arm

HUG HIM GOD DAMN IT, LET MY YUNMENG BROS HAVE A PROPER HUG

wwx: as for this matter, please don't keep it in your heart.

and he goes on to say smth like i know you probably won't let go, but it's water under the bridge, that was all stuff that happened in my past life

AND THEN HE REACHES UP AND GENTLY WIPES AWAY JC'S TEARS WITH HIS THUMB

AND GIVES HIM A SWEET LITTLE SMILE

AND I'M DYING. MY HEART HURTS SO MUCH I'M DYING

I SHOULD'VE KEPT A BOX OF TISSUES NEAR ME, MY SLEEVES ARE ALL SNOTTY AND DISGUSTING NOW, DAMN IT ALL

AND THAT WAS ONLY THE FIRST 10 MIN OF THE EPISODE WTF

I’VE BEEN REDUCED TO A SNIFFLING WEEPING MESS IN 10MIN FLAT WTF 

yunmeng bro moment ends (thank god) and we cut to the next scene where nhs is oh so conveniently regaining consciousness

now all the diggers are screaming to remind us that oh yeah, there's like Plot Stuff here, it's not just about the yunmeng bros

ss gives jgy some meds bc he's hurt or smth, who gives a damn

our boys follow jgy back to the dig site for Plot Reasons

and SURPRISE!! we have nmj's no-longer-headless dead body!!

lwj and wwx look at each other like WTF??

oooooh boy, nhs gave jgy the dirtiest look

wwx is being Clever again and pointing out Plot Relevant Things 

ss gets all offended and holds wwx at sword point 

but there's lwj with bichen in its scabbard, one step in front of him and ready to block anything ss sends their way bc lwj is not gonna let wwx get hurt if he can help it

ss is all like wwx you set him up! And wwx’s face is like, i aint even bovvered

wwx: i'm saying this with all modesty, but if i were the one who set him up, i'm afraid he wouldn't have just gotten one arm hurt

HOT DAMN

LOVE MY SUNSHINE BOY

and here my sunshine boy is being all Clever again and laying out all the facts and explaining how there's a 3rd party involved in all this

LOLOLOL HE'S REALLY PLAYING THIS UP FOR JGY TOO

he's like, there might be a predator behind you, the guy who's been spying on you this whole time...HE MIGHT NOT EVEN BE HUMAN

oh wwx, so Dramatic™

but hey it's working bc jgy looks spooked as hell

LOLOLOL

HE SEES JGY START FREAKING OUT AND HE LOOKS OVER TO LWJ AND GRINS AT HIM LIKE, HEY LAN ZHAN, SEE WHAT I DID, LOL, I SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF THIS LOSER, DID YOU SEE? 

oh, now wwx and jc are bound by the wrists but not lwj, for some reason? 

Which, rude, why deny lwj the chance to be tied up? Let him try new experiences! What if he likes to be tied up? 

NOW HE’LL NEVER KNOW BC YOU DIDN’T LET HIM TRY IT

jgy and ss have a moment that i don't care about but i have to mention it

bc RIGHT AFTER we see our precious beautiful sunshine boy lean WAY into lwj's space to talk shit about them

like, seriously, just a couple inches more, and wwx would be resting his cheek on lwj's shoulder 

IT'S WONDERFUL AND I WISH HE'D GET EVEN CLOSER

shockingly, lwj is NOT as distracted as i would be having wwx that close 

bc he's studying ss and SUDDENLY SEES HE'S GOT THE HUNDRED-HOLES CURSE ON HIM 

which btw, EWW?? THAT'S THE GROSSEST THING EVER 

I REALLY WISH THEY'D STOP SHOWING IT SO MUCH BC IT MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL

he tells ss to turn around to get a better look and wwx sees it too!! he's like, IT WAS YOU!!!

and for the audience's benefit, nhs goes to lxc and is all what's going on???

lxc and jc gives some exposition about blah blah blah stuff we know about already

amidst all this we keep getting shots of wwx looking stunned and hurt (but still oh-so-beautiful)

wwx: jgy, i didn't do anything against you back then. we were not even that familiar. you wanted to kill jzx. why did you push that on me?

HE LOOKS SO HURT AND ANGRY AND CONFUSED BC WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM? WHY DID JGY HAVE TO USE HIM??

and lwj is watching wwx while he shouts this and god how can he stand watching his soulmate be hurt over and over and over again?? HOW DOES HE COPE?

jgy does a mini Rant of Evil Explanation and ss does a rant about classism

which, if said by literally anybody else, i'd say hm, yes, you have a point 

but bc it's said by ss, a spineless coward who never takes responsibility for his own actions, i'm like STFU SS

omg lolololol

ss: would i have been swept out of lan clan like a pile of leaves [if I were highborn]??

AND ICE PRINCE LWJ ANSWERS ALMOST BEFORE SS COULD FINISH ASKING

lwj: Yes.

AND THEN HE LOOKS SS DEAD IN THE EYE

lwj: betrayers won't be tolerated by the lan clan

HELL FUCKING YEAH

YOU WEREN'T KICKED OUT BC YOU WERE LOW-BORN, SS

YOU WERE KICKED OUT BC YOU'RE A TRAITOROUS COWARD

and like, i need to point out that lwj is sitting cross legged on the ground right now (along with wwx, ofc) and ss is standing over him while ranting

and YET, the way lwj holds himself and the way he speaks, does in no way indicate that he's at a disadvantage here

dude's unflappable. JADE OF LAN, INDEED

ss is like i am so sick of your condescending attitude

then he's like just bc i made that one little mistake you could never forgive me!!

FUCKING EXCUSE ME??? 

LITTLE? LITTLE MISTAKE??? 

HOW MANY PEOPLE DIED BC OF YOU SS?

HOW MANY DIED BC YOU BETRAYED THEM??

ss continues to rant and starts to go off his rocker

and then wwx starts to laugh but it's not a happy laugh

it is, in fact, a laugh very similar to the laugh we heard in The One where the Moonlit Rooftop Betrays Us

ss is like, what's so funny???

wwx: nothing. i just didn't expect...

AND HE'S GETTING TEARY HERE EVEN AS HE LAUGHS

WWX: i didn't expect you to get so many people killed just for...just for this

HE LOOKS SO DISILLUSIONED

MY POOR PRECIOUS SUNSHINE BOY

THE WORLD KEEPS DISAPPOINTING HIM

omg i want to RING JGY'S NECK WITH ZIDIAN

HE'S GETTING ALL UP IN WWX'S FACE

TELLING HIM THAT NO MATTER HOW KIND OR CHIVALROUS HE IS, HE WILL ALWAYS BE BLAMED FOR ANY BAD THING THAT HAPPENS, THAT NO ONE WILL EVER BELIEVE OR TRUST HIM

FUCK YOU JGY I HATE YOU SO MUCH

MY POOR SUNSHINE BOY IS TREMBLING WITH RAGE

bc he knows it's true. ppl really ARE always going to suspect the yiling patriarch.

oooh, jc just defended his brother! sort of.

But it has the unfortunate side effect of drawing jgy’s attention

so now jgy is cutting into jc

god jgy talks a lot. stfu jgy.

wwx has been teary eyed on and off this entire episode so far but hasn't actually cried

but jgy is now belittling all of jc's work, all the effort he put in to rebuilding lotus pier, implying that he wouldn't have been able to do if not for wwx

and that's the breaking point, that's what makes wwx finally shed a tear.

lwj is watching wwx, as always, and sees wwx cry

he must feel utterly helpless

ooooh, MY CLEVER SUNSHINE BOY

EVEN AMIDST ALL THIS TERRIBLE EMOTIONAL PAIN, HE PICKED UP ON JGY'S TRIGGER WORD(S)

wwx: just a "son of a whore" made you talk so much

oooh jgy tries to leave but wwx stops him in his tracks by asking him how he killed nmj

and then he's like "aren't you afraid?"

CHILLS, MAN, I'M GETTING CHILLS AT HOW HE DELIVERS THIS

SO CALM, COOL AND COLLECTED YET TINGED WITH A THREAT

jgy: afraid of what? (lol he whirls around angrily like the Drama queen he is)

wwx leans forward and looks him dead in the eye

wwx: afraid of him coming back to you

AND THE SMIRK HE WEARS

THAT'S THE SMIRK OF THE YILING PATRIARCH 

He smirks and leans back against the pillar, all easy and relaxed while jgy looks freaked the fuck out

and then

THEN

WWX STARTS TO WHISTLE

RESENTFUL ENERGY COMES IN TO STROKE AT JGY'S ARM ALL MENACINGLY

I'M GETTING CHILLS ALL OVER 

THIS IS SUCH A BADASS MOVE ON WWX'S PART

and also, holy shit do i enjoy those close up shots of wwx's eyes and his beautiful beautiful lips

the sound team did a great job making those whistles sound super eerie, btw

i can't get over how cool and confident wwx looks here

he's not worried or bothered AT ALL, this is him doing what he does best

Wait, do i have a competency kink…?

LOL JGY JUST GOT BITCHSLAPPED BY RESENTFUL ENERGY, LOVE IT

wwx has stopped whistling now, which is unfortunate bc that means no more extreme close-ups on wwx's gorgeous features

jgy: yiling patriarch, you're worthy of your title, aren't you?

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT HE IS!

Okay yeah, i guess i have a competency kink now, THANKS A LOT WWX

FUCKING SU SHE JUST TRIED STABBING WWX

LWJ TO THE RESCUE, HELL YEAH

OUR MAN HANGUANG JUN LEAPS TO HIS FEET AND NOT ONLY BLOCKS THE STRIKE

HE FREAKING SLICES SU SHE'S WEAK ASS SWORD IN TWO 

THEN FOLLOWS UP WITH A SLICE AT SU SHE'S WRIST

I LOVE YOU HANGUANG JUN

Lwj calmly goes over to wwx and slices off the ropes that were keeping his wrists tied and does the same to jc

wwx goes up to jgy (who's held at sword point by lxc) and calmly takes his weapons

wwx: jgy, hand it over. it's not of much use in your hands.

with a deceivingly dainty clink, Plot Device 3 rolls out of jgy's sleeve and into his hand

then he lets it fall to the ground bc he's a petty bitch that way

we get to see wwx being all Smart Detective and revealing just how long jgy has been planning all this 

jgy’s all like even between me and xy we could only create Plot Device 3 half as powerful as Plot Device 2

LOLOL THAT'S BC THE TWO OF YOU ARE WORTHLESS HACKS.

WWX HAS MORE SKILL AND TALENT IN HIS PINKY FINGER THAN THE BOTH OF YOU COMBINED

man there's a lot of Plot Exposition happening and lxc is having Feelings about it.

DON'T FUCKING LOWER YOUR SWORD LXC WHAT ARE YOU DOING

look lxc, i don't mean to sound cruel or heartless or whatever, but omg i do NOT CARE about your complicated Emotions right now

NOT WHEN IT'S GIVING JGY THE OPENING TO MANIPULATE AN ESCAPE

jgy is now being like "oh, i was wrong" and acting all pitiful and TOTALLY PLAYING LXC FOR A FOOL (AGAIN)

wwx: hey, jgy, can't we stop talking? let's just fight? can we just start killing each other?

LOLOLOLOLOL 

HE TOTALLY SAW THAT JGY WAS MANIPULATING THE SITUATION AGAIN AND IS LIKE, NOPE, NOT DOING THAT AGAIN

LESS WORDS MORE SWORDS PLZ

LIKE, MY BOY IS JUST DONE. HE IS DONE WITH THIS. LET'S GET TO THE FIGHT NOW THX.

jgy ignores this and keeps talking to lxc AND OMG WWX'S FAAAAACE IS CRACKING ME UP 

GOD WORDS ARE NOT GONNA DO IT JUSTICE

HE JUST LOOKS AT JGY FOR A SECOND LIKE, SRSLY BRO? BEFORE ROLLING HIS EYES AND SCRUNCHING UP HIS EYEBROWS LIKE "CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS GUY, JFC"

IT'S SO FREAKING FUNNY OMG

meanwhile jgy continues to throw a pity party that no one likes and the episode ends

There really wasn’t much wangxian time in this episode, fucking jgy and ss decided to HOG ALL THE SCREEN TIME, THOSE PATHETIC WHINY ASSHOLES

but we got a lot of Yungmeng Bros which was painful but waaaay better than anything jgy or ss has to offer

Return to Masterpost

[scone-lover]

@findingniamho​

HAHAHAHA thank you so much for this ask!!! ❤️ This is exciting. Honestly the Egghead fight was one of the most entertaining scenes to write. (Coming up with all the puns was an egg-celent time.) Rereading it just now was like an out of body experience 😂 

Link to the original chapter here - passage & commentary below the cut!

So I have to start with how this scene was born. This is a Simon scene. He’s had a couple fight scenes with Vampire, but I wanted to show him off as the superhero of the city. What was he doing before Vampire appeared on the scene? What are his strengths and weaknesses? Despite the scene’s silliness, it’s also one of the first where we start to get a sense of what Mayor Mage is up to. 

So I knew I wanted him to do the typical defending-the-city thing, and showcase him and Penny as the dread companions power duo.

Besides the plot stuff, my main goal was to make this scene as ridiculously, stereotypically comic book-ish as possible. 😂Hence, Egghead the Villain.

Most of the credit for Egghead goes to my friend -- they’re really into DC and helped me with a lot of the plot stuff in this fic and making things semi-realistic. (Every time you read a clever plot point, it was probably them. 😂) For this non-Vampire fight, my friend suggested a gangster who was doing crimes and bribing the police. Hence this exchange--

“Okay, okay, um-- fuck. Did you call the police?” She huffs. “Yes, and I think they’ve been fucking bribed, because they pretended they didn’t even know who Egghead was! Can you believe that?”

I made him a repeat villain because honestly, I just thought it was more compelling that way. They know who he is already, Simon can grumble about him, they have egg-themed quips at the ready, etc. 😂 

As for the name, Egghead. I love how it came together because Simon is a baker, and I was able to work a couple baking jokes in there eventually. But in reality, it was me begging my superhero expert friend (named t below) to help me out with crafting this villain and coming up with some witty exchanges. A transcript of our conversation with the brainstorming and some of the rejects--

t: the gangster has a nickname right? he has to if he’s a supervillain t: make it a gimmick t: like if he has a red outfit call him mr. red or something t: he has a flamethrower and call him dragon (this made it in, later) me: Vampire already has a flamethrower t: they can be forced to fight him together me: Vampire is at home studying bc he’s a NERD t: ok he can be bald and simon can call him egghead me: THANKS I HATE IT t: simon throws him on the ground at the end of the fight - that was over-easy me: I hate you where do you get this shit t: I mean it’s typical superhero stuff t: he wears yellow and white and deals crack me: This fic is so food themed I love it t: that’s your villain. that’s it. t: listen, if the Flash can have an ice skating villain, YOU CAN HAVE EGGHEAD. And he was born.

(And yes, The Flash does have an ice skating villain. AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ICE POWERS.)

Okay, let’s do this! Warning that this is definitely going to go through more than 500 words of the chapter. 😂 

Men dressed in black suits with bright yellow pocket squares. And larger men around the perimeter, wearing grey and holding flashlights. It looks more like a business transaction than anything; there are briefcases and money being passed back and forth, hands being shaken. “Hey!” I call. There are six men, and they all turn to stare at me, and then make a run for it. The flashlight beams dart wildly and I hear a few of them clatter to the floor. Everyone starts yelling at once and looking for an escape.

I basically watched an episode of Brooklyn-99 and crafted the warehouse drug deal based on that. 

“Don’t move. There’s only one exit,” Penny says in my ear. “And you’re standing in front of it.” I stand my ground, but no one comes near me. The suited guys stay slightly behind the muscular ones. Finally, one of them steps forward. “Mage’s Head Boy. Come to tell us off?”

This scene was also an opportunity to have Penny in Simon’s ear! I wanted them to work together more closely than just talking about superhero stuff - I wanted Penny to be invaluable to Simon’s superhero success and in on the action, too. She’s kind of modeled after Oracle from Batman throughout this fic. 

Mage’s Head Boy is a pretty transparent CO reference. 

There are times when I’m grateful for my ability to just have muscles and growl at people and make them disappear, and there are times when I wish I was witty like Vampire. This is definitely the second. I can’t think of a response to that. Luckily, I have a best friend with a head full of wit. “Tell them to fuck off,” Penny says. Then again, maybe not. What would Vampire say? I get hot and frustrated in the face of danger. He seems to get cooler the higher the stakes get. I fall into a fighting stance. “You wish.” The guy takes a step backwards. “But since I can’t bring you to the police, I suppose I’ll just have to teach you a lesson.” “That was good,” Penny says in my ear.

I obviously had to work a bit of Baz jealousy / crushing into this. I like the idea of Penny being super blunt. She’s smart and sometimes witty, but more often she just says it like it is. “Cooler the higher the stakes get” was a direct reference to the similar line in Carry On. With Simon’s last line - this scene was all about showcasing him as a “typical” superhero that you’d find in a comic, fighting a classic comic book villain. So I gave him one of those cheesy lines.

I’m surrounded. There must be fifteen or twenty of them. Eight huge muscular guys, and the rest in suits. They form a loose circle around me. Almost all of them wield knives, but I don’t see any guns so far.

I knew from the outset I wanted this to be a one-against-many fight. At this point in the story I’d set up a good dynamic for Blade vs Vampire, but not so much Blade vs. other city threats. What makes him a trustworthy hero? Simon’s origin story is that he got news attention by fighting off a group - so putting him in this group fight setting was a chance for him to shine.

A man steps out from the shadows. He’s bald, with a straight, dark mustache, and he’s wearing a pristine white suit and a shirt the colour of an egg yolk. “Egghead,” I say in what I hope is a threatening tone. The name sounds absurd. I’m glad the mask covers my mouth, because I don’t think I can keep a straight face. Penny coughs. Benedict Eggerton, better known as Egghead, is a drug lord who wears yellow and deals… crack. (I know.) (He got into crime early; his parents were poachers.) (Okay, I made that one up. I can’t help it.) I put him in jail earlier this year, but he escaped and fled north.

I was laughing so hard while writing this. You can see in the text exchange above where the suit and nickname came from. I was trying to come up with what his first name might be (my first idea was Sunny). I was so amused when I finally thought of Benedict. 😂 The poachers line is also from my friend T, and the “north” is a reference to Scotland, which comes back later as the Scotch Egg joke.

I draw my weapon, trying to look as menacing as possible. “I remember your blade being bigger,” he says, eyeing my kitchen knife. “Is it too cold for you in here?”

PFFFFFT I LOVE THIS JOKE okay so. I originally made Simon forget his sword because I thought the fight would be too easy - and going back to what I said above, he’s kind of returning to his “roots” with this fight - that spark he has that makes him a hero. And then I wrote the line “I remember your blade being bigger.” TO BE CLEAR, this was not originally intended as an innuendo. 

And then my friend said something like ‘he should turn up the heating in this warehouse then’, and I was like OH DING DING DING PENIS JOKE! 😂I’m oblivious sometimes. I’m glad I realized in time because this is honestly one of my favorite villain lines I’ve ever written.

I really, really wanted to give the “too cold” line to Vampire. It would be perfect for him. But Simon always has his normal sword with Vamp, so Egghead it was. And he instantly became an icon. 😂 

I twirl the knife between my fingers. “I can crack you anyway.” “Good effort,” Penny whispers. “But a bit rough on the delivery. 'Take a crack at you' might have been better...” “Sword or no sword,” I continue, “you’ll be an egg wash by the end of this.” “What?” Penny says. “Is that a baking reference?” Egghead cracks his knuckles, and his men rush me.

Much like Penny does later in the scene, I had a tab open of egg-related words up while writing this. I had to work in the baking reference. But a terrible one. There’s a French term for whisking eggs that basically translates to “beating eggs into snow” - and I wish it was a thing in English, because, you know, Simon Snow. Oh well. 😂 

I Google a list of ways to make eggs. Simon needs to win this fight, but more importantly, he needs to get some egg-themed one-liners in there to show them who’s boss. Chances like this don’t come around very often. 

Listen, Penny is very dedicated. I love the idea of heroes just being quick-witted and coming up with these ridiculous quips on demand. But ultimately, I thought it was funnier - and more in character for Penny - to do this. (Even though her Superhero name is Quickwit, oops.) She has the world of Google at her disposal. Egg puns may not seem important, but superhero image and reputation is half the battle.

Simon is being attacked from all angles, but he fights like a whirlwind. The bulky guys attack first, mostly with their fists. Simon kicks their legs out from under them. He throws them across the floor like they weigh nothing. “Behind you!” I say. Simon spins around and disarms the man behind him, twisting his arm, and I hear a shout through my earbuds. He grabs the guy’s knife and kicks him in the stomach, sending him sprawling. Simon Snow faces fifteen men with nothing but two knives, looking like he’s ready to explode.

I loved writing this from Penny’s POV. I am used to writing fight scenes from the POV of the person fighting, so this was definitely a cool challenge. It’s part of why I brought Penny into the scene in the first place - so I could show Simon in third person. Almost like we’re watching a movie and getting some overhead shots. From his POV, you don’t realize quite how awesome he is. So getting to showcase him like this was really fun.

I still have to wonder how Shepard knew… well, everything. 

Don’t tell anyone but I didn’t know yet either

“He’s Scottish,” I tell Simon. “Scotch Egg.”

I know. This one’s bad.

He’s a blur of gold and white in motion. He throws his knife—I have no idea where he learned to do that—and it embeds itself in one of the men’s legs. He rolls across the floor, picking up two more discarded knives.

I don’t do a ton of plotting/outlining with fight scenes, but one thing I decide in advance is where and how everyone gets hurt. I didn’t want Simon to win the fight too easily, but I did need to injure him somehow. So it wouldn’t be too easy, but also to serve as a counterpoint to the socks thing later.

I watched a lot of action sequences to write this fic, especially with the trickier one vs. many scenes. 

Simon tosses him like a sack of flour.

Couldn’t resist the baker!Simon reference.

“Hard or soft boiled,” I whisper. “Which way is it gonna be, Egghead? Hard or soft boiled?” Simon shouts. He whispers to me, “That was stupid.” Egghead raises an eyebrow. “Last chance to leave us alone, Blade.” I consult my list of egg dishes. “Give up before you get scrambled.” Simon twirls his blades. I love it when he does that; he looks like Deadpool. “It’s your last chance to surrender before you get scrambled.”

I loved the hard or soft boiled line at first. And then I wrote it down and said it out loud, just to check, and it sounded SO DUMB. 😂I almost took it out, but then figured—Simon is probably not going to think this through, either.

Maybe the Deadpool line was a bit on the nose here, but I wanted to give readers some really vivid imagery of what Simon looks like right now with these dual wicked blades kitchen knives.

“I prefer my eggs… poached,” he says. 

Even though Egghead has turned out to be quite a serious villain—there are guns, drugs, and a backstory—he is, after all, original master of the egg puns. He would never turn down this opportunity.

Egghead scrambles (ha) to his feet

I think Penny is just me in this.

“Over-easy,” I whisper.

“That was over-easy,” he says.

Not my best. But it had to be in there.

I’ll skip the serious bits, since the plot there is pretty self-explanatory, to this:

I wish he’d asked what we serve, because I have so many egg puns at the ready. Eggs-ecution. Hash-ing out justice. Karma served hard.  

My beta ashspren gave me this line, and I could not be more grateful. Imagine the chapter without this. It would be a shame.

Here are a few egg puns that didn’t make the cut, SADLY:

You're washed out, egghead

*Egghead gets angry* hey, it was just a yolk

I had to go "beat" some eggs

*uppercut* Sunny side UP!

I'll bash in your Eggnoggin’

Some people are just bad eggs

Sorry this is so long—this has been a purely self-indulgent experience. Thanks so much for this ask, I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you like it! ❤️ 

[calocera]

SPOILERS FOR CATS 2019, here’s my hot takes and opinions

be warned, THIS IS LOOOONG

First off my overall opinion, i LITERALLY cannot say whether it was good or bad, like lots of critics say it just...is beyond that. It’s VERY fun and that’s all I can bring myself to say, I have LOTS of problems with it but I can’t even say that they make the movie bad. It is definitely worth watching

OPINIONS ON CHARACTERS:

Victoria: she’s good! I appreciate that they kinda left her personality blank other than her innocence since that’s pretty much how she always was, still not super thrilled with her as a main character but franchesca did the best she could

Munkustrap: I loved him! he was more of a main character than I would have expected, but they STILL cut all the charm from his lines... why do I love him then? Robbie fairchild did AMAZING background acting, whenever he was in frame he was always doing something SUPER munkustrap-y and making cute dad faces. he was dealt bad lines but he worked around it best he could. Also his legs were normal so...epic fail

Mistoffelees: 😒😒😒😒😒🤢🤢🤮 disappointed but not at all surprised...he was just a Woobie, a softboy uwu nice guy. I felt like I was seeing fanon 2013 loki in cat form. THEY MADE HIS SONG A SADBOY PITY PARTY SONG...WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THE 11 O’CLOCK NUMBER SLOW AND SAD???? Where is the smug little shit who’s vague and aloof yet confident and joyous? He was murdered by his evil homophobic shadow clone. I’m not even gunna indulge the fact that him and Victoria were a thing, I’ll go over that later. He also just constantly looked like the crying cat meme his eyes were so red and watery it was horrifying, yet somehow he wasn’t the worst character , that leads us too.....

tugger: what.the.fuck.did.you.do.to.this.boy. HE GOT THE TREATMENT I EXPECTED FOR MUNKUSTRAP! HE WAS DEMOTED TO BACKGROUND CHARACTER! not only did he not sing mr. mistoffelees, he literally did nothing other than his song, he never interacted with ANY characters besides jenny in 1 scene. I know cats has no set main characters but he’s undoubtedly one of the most important characters and he’s like...the least important named character in the movie. ALSO Jason Derulo was not sexy at all. There was NO hip thrusting NO sexy meowing NO glamrock, he was just an asshole and if I hadn’t already seen the original I would have either completely forgotten about his character or though he was the worst character. I’m so fucking angy I cannot express.

Girzzabella: ngl I expected better. Her acting was great but with the horrible effects I couldnt get invested but I’ll touch on the effects later. Her singing was good, but I expected it to carry the movie and it wasn’t at all the best song in the movie, I’d say she’s about as good as I expected she’d be but the movie itself was more enjoyable than I expected so she was less significant

Old d: she was fine, she LOOKED the part definitely, she didn’t have as large a presence as ken page but I wouldnt expect that of her. Her singing wasn’t the greatest though, her voice is fine by it’s just NOT suited to old d’s songs. I would have preferred she play a female gus bc her voice is very sweet and frail, not at all built for belting like her songs required.

Macavity: he’s just...eh. He’s basically a comic relief villain which sucks. He does practically nothing besides kidnap people, say a cheesy line, and act like a caricature of a 90s cartoon villain (and not one of the fun ones) like theres a scene where he poofs away and when he does it he goes, MACAvityyyyyyy and fades away its so unintentionally funny but it just makes him so lame as a villain. not to mention he doesnt even die at the end or get any satisfying conclusion he just gets stuck on top of a statue and his powers suddenly stop working (for some reason??)

Bombalurina: fuck that, I am simultaneously glad she only was in the macavity number bc fuck off Taylor Swift but also disappointed bc she deserved so much better.

Bustopher: 😟 never in my darkest nightmares did I think I’d see bustopher Jones deepthroat multiple crayfish but here we are. Somehow THIS was the most sexual song, I cannot begin to name the fetishes checked off by this performance bc itd hit word limit. Let me just say that I said multiple times out loud, “damn bustopher kinda a freak with it 😏😏” like I CANNOT stress how weirdly sexual it gets. And ofc its all otherwise just haha funney fat guy eat food and burp and fall down. He also breaks the fourth wall a few times which like, fuck you

Jenny: exactly what was shown in the trailer. Unfunny fat jokes and slapstick humor. Also they focused WAY too many shots on her cat pussy and I wish I was making that up. Also of note is that the cgi on the rats and cockroaches are drastically worse than the rest of the movie, like not just bad designs the effects are BAD. also they translated they whole gumbie cat fur-shedding as her wearing fake skin over her outfit which would be fine but UHH the fake fur is skin tight??? so it literally looks like shes ripping off her skin and she does it multiple times its fucking terrifying

Mungojerrie and rumpelteazer: meh, they are fine as characters, not quite as energetic as I would have liked but they didn’t massively fuck anything up? The song was horrible, they went against the beat for...some reason? Like it’s a song with a very distinct rhythm and they split up the lyrics so weirdly. I liked that they followed through with the lore of them working for macavity

Skimbleshanks: YES YESSSSSSSSSS HOLY FUCKING SHIT 💗💕💖💞💜😳😳😳😳😳😳😳💜💛🧡💚💖❤️💗 i absolutely CANNOT express how good skimbleshanks made me feel. He looks like a leather daddy with his chains and suspenders and hat and stache, I hate that I’m saying this but uh...mr skimbleshanks sir😳 we were actually screaming it was so fucking good. Watching this movie was worth it just for skimble. Unironically. I’m listening to the song as we speak. It was kinda weird that they moved the tap dancing to this song but that’s more of a detractor from Jennie’s and a plus side to skimbles since it’s good tap

Gus: good! Ian did a good job of course, no one doubted that he would.

Growltiger and griddlebone: not racist but still absolutely horrifying. One of the worst parts of the movie, I actually got squeamish looking at griddlebone a few times that’s how bad she looks

Everyone else: not that good. I couldn’t tell who was who, all their personalities were annoying, I’m on imdb as we speak trying to figure out who even was supposed to be who. Demeter is completely butchered and jemima just isn’t there, doesn’t sing her part, it all sucked man.

Tech talk:

CGI: okay so here’s the thing, the effects are good. GREAT even, the issue is how fucking horrible the designs are. The lack of cat nose, mouth, and hairy cheeks makes them all look disgusting. Also the feet. Holy fuck why do they have feet. THERES A FUCKING SCENE WHERE TUGGER GRABS VICTORIAS FOOT AND SNIFFS IT. IT LASTS LIKE 5 SECONDS. Old Deuteronomy, Gus, and Cassandra (bc she was already bald) are the only characters I’d say look anywhere close to decent, grizabella looks okay in profile but head on it’s all horrible again. its really such a shame bc the sets are gorgeous! i really hope this movie gets some form of recognition for its sets.

the editing and directing was DOGSHITTTTTTT there are SO many scenes where characters just teleport or parts where people are singing and no ones mouths are moving its really distracting

Other things:

it’s OBVIOUS that the critics calling this movie horny have never seen the original. I’d definitely say the movie is LESS HORNY than the play. It IS however waaaaaaay more uncomfortable with its hornieness, so I’d say in that regard YES, the horny stuff is much more gratuitous and off putting despite there being an overall smaller amount than the play. ie everything bustopher jones does

They changed a BUNCH of lyrics for some reason?? Like they cut verses which I understand but there are like a handful of lyrics in almost every song they just...change. like...okay? All changing lyrics is gunna do is make people who knew the songs frustrated when they can’t sing along

the dancing was incredible! shame the cg just fucking invalidates all of it bc your mind doesnt register it as real people doing real moves

OKAY THE FUCKING CATNIP SCENE so when taylor swift showers everyone in catnip they all just fucking start moaning and go FULL HORNY its TOO MUCH like misto full on does an o face like eyes rolled back mouth open  and munkustrap is like ass up panting i still havent processed it im fucking terrified to encounter it again. they cut the orgy? yet added THIS??? k

WHY did they take 2 of the most iconic characters who FREQUENTLY interact and just

a. Never even have them make eye contact

b. Make 1 a background character

c. Completely change the personality of the other one

On the topic of Victoria/misto: I am just still at a loss as to why they thought it’d be a good idea? They completely removed Plato and for what? This? Pathetic. It’s worth noting the weirdly munkustrap has WAYYY more chemistry with both Victoria AND mistoffelees then they did with each other (there’s a part where it looks like misto and munk are about to kiss for some reason?? munk ALSO gets all touchy feely with skimbleshanks???) anyways munkustrap king moments

tldr; its worth watching, the best parts were the sets, the dancing, skimbleshanks, and munkustrp fucking CARRIES the weight of the world with his face acting. the worst things were a big fat tie between bustopher, tugger,misto,jenny,growltiger and griddlebone, and the godawful design choices

[sergeanttpoliteness]

➹embroidered hearts➹(ps4 peter parker x reader)

Requested by anon➝  hi! idk if you’re taking requests right now, but if you are, do you think you could write something for ps4 peter parker? maybe like a friends to lovers thing. thanks!

You just... really liked to disappear, huh? To vanish, slip from his fingers. Except that this time Peter found you, caught you before you left once again, which may have just been exactly what you needed.

word count: 2.7k

a/n: holy wowowow, this isn’t a false alarm, y’all-- i actually posted! i’m sososo happy i finally did, and i’m really sorry about how long it took me to do so. school drained all my motivation but exams just finished this friday so i decided to get this done once and for all. i’m shocked that i finally liked something i wrote this month, it’s progress (’: anyway, here’s something for 1 pretty boy whom i love very much, i hope the nonnie who requested it likes it! (: also i had a terrible allergy while editing this so if there are any mistakes pls know that it’s hard to write while sneezing every five seconds. hope this week is great for you bc u deserve it, ok, ily that’s it adios (last thing lol, expect some noir stuff next and that beter sequel eye emoji)

Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes since you told him you were going to the bathroom with a wavering smile, and you were nowhere to be seen. Peter set his empty glass of water on the table for the third time— God, he experienced a déjà vu that left him stumped and everything, and as he watched the crystal liquid stream from the pitcher, he could also sense his bladder protesting against all the suffering he kept putting it through. Nonetheless, he simply thanked the waiter for the refill, or else he was sure that if he didn’t continue drowning himself, the disquiet abounding in his system as a result of your unknown whereabouts would strangle him with its unnerving claws. Perhaps the entrance dish bombarded your stomach (if so, then he hoped you were alright), or the toilet devoured you and swallowed you down the drain. Two-year-old him never trusted the porcelain seat, after all (it... was an actual fear of his, actually). However, past all those justifications and silly fears, he knew something wasn’t right, for there existed no chance you’d simply vanish just like that after the anxiety for tonight nearly eroding you alive, and you wouldn’t surrender an opportunity for a promotion... right?

He scanned the party room, through the many dresses and tuxedos either standing by still or swaying together, awkwardness raining over and staining his skin when he recalled he was the last remaining person in the table after everyone else retired to chat with other fancy people. He surely didn’t fit in that category, neither was he acquainted with anyone — he wasn’t even invited, for crying out loud, rather you were the reason for his attendance; still, you weren’t there. He considered possibly checking the bathroom to make sure you seriously hadn’t died, because you weren’t answering any of his calls and... oh, no.

Your boss walked on stage and tapped the microphone, a muffled thud reverberating through the speakers. “Good evening, everyone! I’m glad the night’s been such a lovely one, I hope you’re all having a great time.” The man — Peter couldn’t remember his name, honestly — spoke, a charismatic grin that paraded his astonishing dental care on his face. Though no alluring smile impeded Peter from panicking further or his limbs from driving him out of his chair and into the tight space in between a cluster of intimidating guests, looking identical to a little kid who couldn’t find his parents at the supermarket.

“Where are you, Y/N?” He muttered to himself, a question he’d reiterated in his head far too often for the past seven months. A haze of amazement and disbelief encompassed his brain when you called him to ask to come as his date— all he could do was blink, his throat clogged up and his heart so unbelieving as if you died and had risen from your tomb, but you might as well have and he wouldn’t have even known, because it’s what it seemed following such a tediously long time of dead silence, of not seeing that lopsided grin of yours, of nothing. It should’ve pushed him away, if anything, although how could it? How could his stunned little heart let you go after you’d embroidered yourself into it, sewn the threads, a perennial string that led back to you, the first day you met? And yet you still gripped it closely, unwilling to detach as he desperately dialed your number again, his stomach diving faster down to the Earth’s core whilst your boss’ speech went on and a high-pitched beep rang in his ear. ‘The person you have called is unavailable right now...’ Not a good sign. No, most definitely not.

“However, I’d like to invite on stage a person who we appreciate greatly in the company,” ‘The person you have called is un—’ Peter hung up, over that goddamn message that always appears to torment him, and grimaced as your boss studied the crowd with proud eyes. “Please, a big round of applause for Y/N Y/L/N!”

The room exploded with sophisticated cheering, but it declined gracelessly, the clapping stuttering, fully ceasing when the moments dragged on and no one entered the spotlight. The leader squinted, visibly distressed, brows perplexed as he leaned closer to the lady beside him. “Y/N... did make it tonight, correct?” He whispered too loudly, gossip escalating in the audience. Peter bit his lip, stepping back closer to the exit door until a rough hand clutched his sleeve. 

“Hey, you’re Y/L/N’s boyfriend, right?” An older man with fuming blue eyes and a bald spot questioned, spit flying but thankfully not anywhere near Peter who sputtered, chest warming up when his tongue failed him, became tangled in his mouth.

“Wha... n-no, we’re just friends—”

 “I don’t care. Listen, if that idiot is not here right now then I’m gonna be in deep shit.”

Peter’s brows furrowed with anger, “Hey, shut up, man— Y/N’s not an idiot.” He snapped, but the guy barely flinched and rolled his eyes as he let go of the taller young man. 

“Just do something!” He hissed, equally as bitter and prodding his chest before disappearing into the crowd.

Peter opened the double doors and sped down the hallway straight to the bathrooms with a sour mood; however, before he knocked, a figure outside the window captivated him and calmed his hammering heartbeat. It... couldn’t be you. Why would you be out there? He surveyed the area, and when he saw no sign of another person or any security cameras, he unfastened the window’s lock and slid it open.

Could he have gone outside like a normal human being? Yeah, sure, except that— first — where’s the fun in that, and second, he didn’t want to walk all the way to the other side of the building— it was an emergency, or at least that’s the excuse he’d use if anyone caught him as he landed softly on the grass. It was indeed you, he realized, sat on a bench, observing nothing in particular unless the building under construction across the street held any trace of beauty in your eyes. He stopped a few feet away from you, mouth twitching. “Is this seat taken?”

You almost jumped into space and out of orbit, your neck whipping around, large frightened eyes gradually lightening when they took him in. There it was. That lopsided grin, unchanging from when you were a sophomore in college apart from the darker under eye circles. And there was his own shy smile, too, accompanied by the blush that stained his face, like red wine spilled over a tablecloth. “Yes, actually, by my imaginary friend Pedro.” You patted the area beside you, on the supposed Pedro’s knee, and he sneaked his hands inside his blazer’s pockets, feigning disapproval.

“You exchanged me for a Pedro?”

“He’s a nice guy.” You giggled as he sat down next to you, your stare fixed on your lap. “Let me guess: I messed up the night and that’s why you’re looking for me.” You said, playfulness faltering and insecurity peeking its head in, and he noticed how it sculpted your expression and body language with its discouragement. 

“Not exactly, no. I was still going to look for you, but a jerk who called you an idiot really needed me to do so.” He grumbled, irritation returning as a combo along with remembrance of the incident. You didn’t reach, though; you solely raised your eyebrows, unruffled, your friend more afflicted albeit he wasn’t the one who was called an idiot. 

“A short guy that kinda looks like an odd mix between John Stamos and Danny Devito?” You queried. Peter rebuilt the man’s appearance in his head, and you had to laugh at his raw shock when he recognized the accuracy of your comparison. He... really did look like that, seriously, it’s the most bizarre combination you could think of. “Yeah, that’s Jonathan. We’re not exactly best pals.”

“I kinda figured that out, Stavito didn’t look so happy.” A smile flourished on his countenance as quickly as a match is set alight after you cackled, your hand flying up to your mouth to mute your laughter.

“Stavito? Man, now he’s gonna hate me even more because I’m never gonna stop using that one.” You shook your head, rubbing your crinkled eyes. He hummed, loosening his tie, wearing a crooked grin that you fathomed meant incoming pain for you—

“He’s gonna stab-ito you!”

Jesus Christ. You let out a drawn-out breath and picked up your legs, expression similar to a parent seeing their kid’s report card. “I hate you. This friendship’s on hold until further notice.”

“It was a great pun!”

“Was not.” You objected, although both of your bodies shook with hilarity. He looked at you, the moon painting silver strokes on your tranquil frame, the delight in him for just being by your side too much that his stare lingered; though not for long, for your attention strayed up to him and his eyes immediately shifted down to his hands, his leg restless, bustling.

“Why are you out here? We could’ve left if that’s what you wanted.” He said, brows knitted. You changed to a cross-legged position, rolling your lips.

“I originally was just going to take a five-minute stroll, but once I sat down here, I just couldn’t go back inside.” You confessed, shrugging. Gloom reemerged, drooping the corners of your lips, striking a spike of ice in your gut— the frost trickled up and down your body, goosebumps of sorrow growing over your skin. “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible friend. Jonathan’s right: I am an idiot.” You whispered.

He held in his breath, blank on what to say. “Why would you think that?”

You snorted, expression unamused. “They’re facts, Pete. Good friends don’t just… fall off the face of Earth without a warning.”

“I’m… sure you had your reasons.”

“They weren’t good reasons, though. I should’ve at least told you something. But I bet it was nice to get a break from me, huh?” You joked, hurt and self-doubt seeping through your voice.

He frowned, immediately denying with his head. “Why would I want to get a break from you? Y/N, we don’t even get to see each other that much. If anything, I…” He halted, gulping. “I-I want to see you more.” He admitted quietly.

Your bewilderment was dim but still present as you ran your hand up and down your arm. “You’re dumb. You could spend your time with people who are actually great but you want to spend it with me.”

“Yeah, well, if I am dumb so what? I still wouldn’t change my mind.” He argued, a line in between his brows. You sighed, sliding down the metal seat, your eyes shut as you tilted your head back. 

“Peter, stop, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I do, though. I mean, yeah, it… it hurt a bit,” Peter raised one shoulder, aware that it hurt more than just ‘a bit’. “I thought you decided to break contact, but it’s okay, really.”

“Give yourself some love, it’s not okay that I hurt you like that.” You momentarily put your hand on his, repentance etched on your features. “You didn’t deserve that.”

“We’re talking again, though, that’s all that matters.” He brushed you off, raising up to his feet. The guilt still held you, played with you like a doll, but the reassuring quirk of the corner of his mouth somewhat relieved it. “We should go back inside, don’t want you catching a cold or Stavito getting fired.”

“He’s not gonna get fired, he’s just way too over dramatic.” You grunted, showing your clear distaste for the John Stamos and Danny Devito love child. Peter lent out his hand but you blinked at it, chuckling uncomfortably. “Don’t you rather stay out a bit more? The sky looks great tonight— I can see a few more stars than usual.” You pointed at the dark blanket of nebulae and astral bodies. He glanced up, close to dropping to the ground to inspect the night sky until he heard the stifled music from the party.

“We can stargaze once the event’s over.” He promised, gesturing with his head to the building. It was then when he distinguished the dread in your eyes.

“...Are you sure you don’t want to do it now? What if it gets too cloudy?”

He narrowed his eyes. “Is everything alright? Why don’t you want to go back in there?”

You tried to utter another excuse, but you couldn’t. The ire at yourself made your hands tremble, set your mouth in a hard line as you were incapable of looking right at him, the humiliation far too much.

“I hate my job.”

Peter sat back down, staring at you, his expression sad. “You know, I spent the entirety of high school and started college with this idea of what I wanted my future to be like. But now that I did it, now that I’m actually there, I’m so… bored with everything. I don’t know what to do. Like, what am I supposed to do now? Go to work and what else? Because if that’s all there is to my life, I don’t know why I should even bother with it.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Peter what am I doing?” You scoffed, scowling. “Look at me: what the hell am I bringing to the world? You’ve got FEAST, and just got that job with Otto Octavius— you’re… so amazing and will do so many great things. The world needs you. I need you. We all do.” You mumbled, voice breaking.

His sight gravitated down to your lonely hand that rested so near to his, that had the string running from his heart encircled around its ring finger, beckoning him closer. His fingers reached out slowly, hesitantly, with great fear. But he wound up grazing your hand, and then he fully wrapped his own around it— around the artist that sewed a handiwork of untouchable adoration into him. “But what if I...” He began, struggling to come clean. “What if I...” He saw your anticipating gaze.

“I need you, too.” He whispered.

Your view averted down to your linked hands and then up at the boy unknowing that he, just like you had to him, had tailored a piece of himself in you long ago. You hugged him. Crumbled, snuggled deep into him, allowing yourself to accept that hand reaching out to you, to surrender to comfort. He hugged you back with as much gentleness and warmth, his chin on top of your head. “You should give yourself some love, too.” He murmured and you let out air through your nose, agreeing with him. “You’ll find your way because you’re incredible, alright? I just wish you could see that.”

Seven months weren’t eons, Peter acknowledged, but perhaps they could be; perhaps they were enough to view everything differently, past that veil that cloaked his eyes, past the doubt and uncertainty, because there was something distinctive in your familiar smile when you pulled away. Something unusual as you sat straight, your eyes drifting sideways to him. “I guess we can help each other with that self-love thing.” You suggested.

He got the hint in your voice, and all of a sudden, he figured out what that something was; but he didn’t want to accept the truth that crashed against him when he realized that it wasn’t new. No, it’d been there all along.

He could try to believe.

“Maybe we could, uh, we could go out for dinner some… some time. Get started with some good food, y’know…” His tone was quiet and he couldn’t have resembled better a nervous teenage boy asking his crush to dance on prom night as he wrinkled his nose in embarrassment.

You faked a cynical expression, despite already knowing the answer in your soul. “Some time?”

“Or never, if that’s what you prefer.” He laughed tensely, his eyes growing wide when he turned his head and cursed at himself internally. You smiled to yourself, moving a strand of hair out of your face.

“How about tonight?”

“Tonight? Like…” He checked his wristband, only to remember it wasn’t a watch. “...tonight? What about the event—”

“Forget the event,” You stood up, and now you were the one stretching out your hand to him. “C’mon, let’s look for some restaurants because why not, am I right?”

Peter clutched your hand, the contentment a welcomed compensation for all those months of not seeing you.

“Yeah, why not?”

[charlieism]

Some of the best bits from the Addams family musical i went to

Gomez: *listing things that probably were not made for each other* "Trump for the American dream?" Somebody in the audience: BOOO!!!

"I'm in love! You may be thinking, how does a fat, bald man with no defined sexuality fall in love? But you don't understand. I'm in love... With the moon!" Later on: "we're a quarter of a million miles away from each other... The perfect distance for romance!" Later later on: *jetpacks to the moon* Later later later on: *returns holding a shiny, silver, wrapped like a baby, moon-rock. It is not addressed.*

"So, how's life kid?" "Too long." "Yeah, tell me about it."

"Oh Wednesday, she's growing up so fast... She'll be Thursday before you know it!"

Gomez: "My wife, let me tell you a secret. You are the most sublime," *kisses hand* "Exquisite," *kisses hand again* "Delectable woman in the world." Morticia: "That's not a secret."

"What I lack in depth, I make up for in shallowness!"

"And what if I miss?" "Then you'll be the last thing I ever see." "that is so HOT"

*gets stabbed with a sword* "Good one! I hate you!"

"Now look at her. Old, deceived and deranged. Smoking weed in our attic. Our grandma. I will not end up like your mother!" "...I thought she was your mother?" "..." "no, seriously."

"I was talking to grandma, and-" "Dont listen to that ancient hag she might not even be a part of the family."

"And then my Grandfather, *rapid incomprehensible Spanish* sunk his ship."

Wednesday *waddles on stage in a yellow dress* ".....hi."

Gomez being the best fucking husband he's so in love he keeps a secret from Morticia one time bc Wednesday asked him to and is so fucking torn over it. Feminist as fuck. Treasures his wife.

Wednesday having a fiance and then WIFE HELL YEAH

also the girl thing isn't a big deal it's expected "she'll have plenty of girls. She's MY daughter." "once you find YOURSELF a girl."

No no the dramatic part is that. She's normal and not super Goth jdfndndnd

The drunk werewolf in the background who ends up tap dancing???

Morticia: *props her foot up on a gravestone and opens dress leg into a slit up to her knee*

Gomez: “mi amor! You beast of endless surprises!! You have LEGS!!!! *proceeds to tango*

"I'll show you sewers fit for a QUEEN!"

"Hello! Please, you must tell me, my whole marriage depends on this! Is this truly the worst motel in France? Negative three stars?! Excellent!!"

"Mummy, cheer me up:(" "Oh, Pugsley, life is like tight-rope, and at the end of it, is your coffin. Feel better?" "...Yes, thank you!"

Gomez, counting on his fingers: “There is 1 thing id never do-” *a few songs later* “there are 2 things i’d never do-” *a few songs later* “there are... 3 things id never do...”

and also

"When I'm stressed, I remember... ~death is just around the cornerrrr~"

[dollsorwhatever]

Cloe+ Collection Overview

I decided to give Cloe’s hair a shot before completely writing her off for that ugly rooting, so I straightened and gave the hair some wave/body and then tucked the front of her parting back in an attempt to even out the thin-ness and give it some balance.

She’s definitely not terrible, but her facial flaws bother me too much to consider sending this one out for a reroot or keeping her in my permanent collection. This is the one that Amazon CS told me to keep (or dispose of...lol) and I returned the last replacement for yet another replacement Cloe (So....Cloe #4) and after I get a perfect one, this girl’s head will find herself in a gift package for someone that might be able to use her. (will keep her arms and clothes tho) Thoughts on the line below the cut.

My overall thoughts on this line are still forming, since I haven’t been able to enjoy them in their best state bc of the constant exchanging I’ve been going through, but my overarching thoughts so far are: -I hate the body, I’ve hated the 2001 torso since I was a teenager and it’s frankly the worst choice for this line or any line, period. Nothing looks good on it. I would have preferred the Pixiez torso hybrid with 2010 legs and Movie arms (which Hayden/MGA did know about during the conception of this line...so idk why they chose 2001) but since that torso has a smaller chest and would therefore limit compatibility with older dolls, I’d pick the Kiani body as THE choice to be the standard Bratz body going forward, since it has a nice shape and rotational hips rather than hinges, with Movie arms added on, while fitting 2001-body clothing perfectly (better than 2001 does even lol) and the legs are gorgeous. -They fucked up the skintones. The heads are all standard Bratz skintones, but the bodies are all wrong. Cloe and Jade’s torsos are like bright reddish pink and the hands match their heads, Yasmin’s entire body is bright fucking orange, Sasha’s body is slightly more olive-toned than her OG body so I won’t be able to use her arms (though I’m willing to accept this because she has the most subtle and pretty skintone of the line and she looks good as-is). Yasmin’s skintone is the most annoying because there is no subtlety to it, it’s just blatantly orange, and her shoes won’t match any other dolls.

-The shoe sculpts. Now I personally PREFER for them to utilize one sculpt more than once and I don’t want there to be a unique shoe sculpt for every doll in every line, I think that’s a waste of sculpts especially because so many Bratz shoes are pretty versatile and can be altered with pant and designs very easily, as well as the issue of skintone matching since the feet pop off.  I don’t think they utilized enough of the sculpts Bratz has done over the years and executed most of the shoes poorly. Yasmin’s ‘boots’, for example, could have easily been a pair of these boots or these boots in a dark magenta and flocked, with lace socks and it would have been a prettier/better translation of the sketch while also staying consistent with the collection. Yasmin’s second shoes should have been the Feelin Pretty heels (even matches the sketch closer than the Classic heel), Jade’s first boots should have been the PnP boots rather than the RA boots (which we’ve also seen, with that exact paint design, several times already), and switch out either Cloe or Sasha’s Classic heels for something else entirely, like more boots. Maybe those cute timberland fakes in a different color. Also they fucking destroyed the Feelin’ Pretty sculpt with Jade’s second shoes. The printed fishnet and the flame motif with the straps is just too much and really overpowers the sculpt (which btw was only used in ONE collection bitd so two pairs in this line would have been swell- especially if they used them for Cloe’s 2nd outfit instead of Jade and got rid of those fugly fishnets and flames) The fact that they used one shoe four times and remade an exact version of a pair of shoes we already have seen a billion times makes the entire shoe wardrobe of this collection feel very unfinished and poorly thought. I can only use, like, four pairs of shoes in this collection and the others are unoriginal or don’t match any dolls (Yasmin’s orange ass)

-The designs are (mostly) lame as fuck. I feel like, especially since Bratz haven’t been OG Bratz for a very long time, that they should have referenced the previous lines to make sure we were getting something new and consistent with the quality we’ve come to expect. We’ve seen several pleather bralettes already and there’s THREE in this line (we’ve seen a lot of pleather too, even), Jade’s first top is a bland PnP Meygan top and we definitely didn’t need TWO identical mesh bodysuits in this line. The clothes don’t seem to be well-rounded, just like the shoes. The quality is really lacking in some places too; Yasmin’s jacket has no inner lining (would have been a stunning piece otherwise), Sasha’s jacket is really weird and not at all what it should be (tho it is pretty well made), Cloe’s second outfit is poorly tailored especially the pants (tho her first outfit is incredibly well made, the best of the line actually), Sasha’s second dress is massive and those panels on the sides are ugly (shame bc it could have been a nice piece otherwise), Jade’s skirt doesn’t fit that well (mostly bc of the body they made it for), etc etc.  And let’s not forget the fact that every studded piece, has studs falling apart in seconds.  Jade’s pants and Sasha’s pants are sub par in comparison to the exquisite denim pieces we’ve gotten for Bratz in other eras, with realistic stitching and ‘thick’ denim with real belt loops and pockets and just going the extra mile to really push that ‘’Real clothing but mini’’ vibe.  The chokers are very nice, Cloe’s first outfit is INCREDIBLE, the hats are very nice, Yasmin’s second outfit is the second best outfit of the entire line, the bodysuits (while there should only be one) are well made, Yasmin’s 1st top (while a poor translation of the art) is cute and versatile and Jade’s white T-shirt will be a big staple piece for collectors and is very well made.  The Faces- I like all of the facial screenings on these dolls, not much to say there. I think Yasmin’s lip color should have been more subtle and Jade’s shine dots are wonky by default, Sasha’s lips are smaller than the rest but otherwise I like all of these screenings.  The Hair- The rooting patterns are bad. This isn’t a QC thing, this is a design flaw; all of the dolls have thin rooting patterns, Sasha and Jade’s partings are very short and none of the dolls have dense rows under the partings or dense rows in the back, Jade’s thatched bangs are terrible and her space buns look like antennae because they’re smushed underneath her hat. Will have to send all of my keepers for reroots and that pisses me off because MGA knows how to correctly root hair, and these 50$ dolls are basically bald.  -The Price. This price is really fucking high considering how little we got and how little they seem to have thought about this collection’s design and quality. If they fixed all of the things I mentioned above, this line would be worth 50$ to me. Higher quality denim, more diversity in clothing pieces and shoes, thicker hair and fixing the skintones would have made this a solid collection and I would have paid 35-50$ happily. But with the collection as it is, I feel like I’m not getting my money’s worth. Cloe and Sasha basically share two pieces (mesh bodysuits and pleather bralettes), Yasmin’s ‘boots’ are hideous and her second ones don’t match any other dolls (And she won’t match any other shoes), both pairs of Jade’s shoes are a travesty and Cloe’s heels are very been-there-have-70-of-that.  The QC- a joke, garbage, terrible. I shouldn’t have to return a doll four times to get a good one, and the studs on these pieces shouldn’t be falling off. MGA had over 2 years to get this collection going and they started production in August when they should have started in April, instead they rushed at the last minute and sacrificed the QC to get stock on time. 

[quercussp]

Thank you everyone who responded to my shave/don’t shave question. I asked because I was interested in how common it is for people to shave in general, how different people feel depending on their gender and what reasons people have. The overwhelming majority of people who answered me identified as female and shaved either their legs or their pits, or both. I’m going to compile all the answers I got under the cut, except the ones I was asked not to publish, but it’s only fair if I also answer the questions:

1) I identify as female 2) I don’t shave my pits or my legs, and haven’t for several years now. About once every couple months I trim the hair to be about 0.5 cm, but I never shave them completely. 3) As for my reasons: I prefer not to do anything if it’s not necessary, and it’s extra time and money, so since I don’t find it necessary, I don’t do it. Also it hurts my skin and I don’t find smooth skin more esthetically or otherwise appealing. On the contrary, I find body hair very beautiful on a woman. However, I realize that all this comes from a position of privilege: my job and my family/partner do not put any pressure on me to do it. I also already feel like I don’t confine to social norms (I’m fat, almost bald, I never wear make up), so psychologically it’s much easier for me to not feel pressured into it. I think there is nothing wrong with doing one or the other, but I do hope that if you shave only because you feel pressured to, at some point in life you will be in a position to stop doing it. You deserve to treat your body the way you want to, not the way other people tell you to.

Here are the responses:

Do shave:

female ( cis, bi), yep both, and because it feels nice on the legs and is good for pole dancing, and arms because it itches and because i've done it for years so now its a habit! (@coffeebitch62​)

1) I am female 2) I only shave when my armpits or legs are on show and I’m leaving the house 3) I hate saying this but I feel so self-conscious if I don’t shave. Like I feel like everyone is judging me and will think of me in a negative light. I know that most of it is all in my head but it’s hard to turn it all off.

I am female and shave. I hate body hair on humans in general. I just no. I can't stand the feeling of it (I am very sensitive with textures) (@calamityems​)

1. female 2. sometimes but not often (largely dependant on if they'll be visible? so pits more than legs) 3. laziness and no desire to conform to gender norms and expectations, but when i do it's because i don't have enough body confidence anyway, never mind to stand out for non-conformity lol but if i was more comfortable in myself i probably wouldn't shave (@legdabs​)

i identify as a woman, i willingly shave pits but i wouldn't shave anything else if i didn't get pressure from all my family to do it (my friends don't give a shit, but my family are always trying to get me to be/do what they consider more 'feminine' eg shopping, makeup etc etc, and they believe that it's gross and improper for a woman not to shave)

1. female (but I don't let it define me as a person) 2. yes, both sometimes 3. It depends on my mood. I don't like it when it itches, which it's doing right now. I also don't do it sometimes because I think I don't have to just because I am female, an I hate that notion. I do think it can look good, and feel nice but I do believe keeping the hair is healthier and does look good as well. I struggle with it more on the legs, torn between how the hair looks and the itching.

I just recently tried not shaving my armpits (I have otherwise shaved them consistently since I started growing hair there, so it's just very routine) because I had a sore in one that was not healing. It wasn't too bad, but eventually I just wanted nice smooth pits again so I've gone back to shaving them, but I do it less frequently now, and I think the skin is healthier, and I'm no longer bothered by having a little hair there! As for legs, I shave if I'm going to wear shorts or a skirt, and occasionally I just feel like shaving for no reason, but for the most part, in the winter, I let it grow. I have very light and sparse leg hair though.... there is more on my arms but I don't shave that. (@ladycynthiana​)

Kind of (either shave one and not the other, or very rarely):

1) I identify as a female 2) I shave my pits but not my legs cause my leg hair is blonde and I’m half black so when the light shines on the hair it glows. It’s like diy body glitter by doin less work.

I’m female and I shave my pits but rarely my legs. If I’m going somewhere nice or want to feel soft sure. But never for other people. Except pits cause social standards 🙄

i'm female and i shave my legs cause i like the smooth feeling when lying on my side but don't shave my pits

I identify as female and right now my legs look like they belong to sasquatch. I'd say I don't shave more than I do, just because it's a pain in the butt and I don't care how the hair looks. My partner doesn't really care either, although if I do shave, it'll usually get him excited

i tend to avoid exposing my legs, so i can not shave them without social consequences. i do shave my underarms though, and when i have to have visible leg, and i feel bad about it. (@templeofshame​)

Don’t shave:

female and i don't shave anything! being smooth is nice but i love my hair and i feel more myself when i have it! (@tulipau​)

i’m a cis girl and recently i’ve been experimenting with no shaving at all! and surprisingly i actually find myself quite sexy with hairy pits even tho i never wouldn’t have guessed it 👀

ok, now that you're asking: i am a woman and i haven't shaved my legs in the last four years (i'm 23). i do shave my armpits occasionally when i feel like it (depends how much i exercise, if i wear a lot of heavy jumpers that make me sweat etc). i've never shaved my ladyparts bc i take pride in being an adult woman with adult ladyparts. i am not a child. // reasons for not shaving my legs: 1- i stopped shaving bc i was only doing it for other people. my body hair doesn't bother me, i would only do it for the male gaze of our society. and then i realised that it's not my purpose on this earth to be nice to look at. 2- i've actually grown to love my body hair. it is just part of the human body, there's nothing wrong about it that needs to be removed. the human body is perfect just the way we are born. i love how my legs look (i have thin, quite dark leg hair), i love how they feel. if you shave, your legs feel kind of numb. mine don't. i can feel the breeze against my bare legs when i'm outside. 3- it makes me feel strong. idk why, i feel grounded, the same way that wearing combat boots make me feel. // i'm bisexual and sexually active. i've never had anyone be rude. (i keep away from douchebags) // don't be scared people. it's actually not that noticeable as you may think. if you don't come close you don't even see it. and if people look funny bc they see my armpits - it's rly not their business. if they want to look like molerats - i'm not judging either. i wanted to add to/clarify shaving my armpits: i don't like sweating with shaved armpits (eg exercising sleeveless in summer) bc of the wet feeling. on the other side i feel like when i wear thick clothes in winter and i sweat (warm rooms inside), and i DON'T shave, i start smelling (i do use deodorant, don't worry). therefore i will probably shave my armpits in winter and not in summer. most people probs do it the other way lol

[puckgoodfaggot]

Odds 👉😎👉

thanks my guy 

1: is there a boy/girl in your life?yeeeeesssss you can follow him @the-fluffy-raven

3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”cats??? what else does someone think of???

5: are you afraid of falling in love?not anymore.

7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?i think so. definitely did when i was a lot younger. probably have done it since?

9: name the last four beds you were sat on?mine, kathryn’s, my bed from home, and probably my parents’ bed?

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned?lmao not even a little bit

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?rottweiler probably

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?oooohhh.... a zoo tbh

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact?i’ve known kathryn for almost four years.

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?never lmao hannah was The Worst and you and i are buds now which is way better

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?nah, i wanna be financially stable and stuff before all of that

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?four! two are from lysandre, one is from themoonmysteries, and one is from my boyfriend~

25: what’s on your mind?mostly i just have “fuck you i’m drunk” stuck in my head, and i’m thinking about how i need to mail micha’s valentines day present

27: what is your favorite color?bluuuuueeeee

29: who are you texting?no one atm

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?probably but that’s just bound to happen when you’ve got Anxiety

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you?i should hope so 

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?i would be like babe what hte fukc?????????? and then probably Fight

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed?yeeee

39: has anyone upset you in the last week?just my psych teacher

41: where’s your last bruise located?no clue buddy i have bruises on my legs like all the time so i dont keep track

43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?idk man i always wanna Get Away to someplace nice with a beach

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes?my new boots!!

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style?NOPE. i love my hair so much.

49: does your bedroom have a door?yes???

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping?my brother for sure

53: are goodbyes hard for you?YUPP. i cry like a baby every time i have to say goodbye to micha :(

55: how is your hair?damp and black

57: do you think two people can last forever?yeah, i actually really do

59: green or purple grapes?both pls

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now?nah i’m pretty happy here. but i’d like micha to be here with me.

63: where will you be 5 hours from now?in bed, unconscious 

65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked?same guy i like now: my bf

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today?p sure i’ve hugged kathryn today

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?done!

71: how many fingers do you have?ten

73: how old will you be in 5 months?22

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?bc she dumped my ass lmao

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?some of them, yeh

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike?both of my uncles

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months?just one!

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight?he’s asleep now bc Time Zones so no, but we talked earlier today.

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care?i would not be Super comfortable w/ it tbh 

87: who was your last received call from?my mom i think

89: what is something you wish you had more of?moneeyyyyy

91: do you sleep with your window open?not in this house bc the windows don’t open

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?i dont think so but i have a shitty memory so who knows i could have forgotten some secret i was keeping

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?hell no B)

97: did you sleep alone this week?yeh :(

99: do you believe in love at first sight?nah, but i believe in instant connections

[simba-bonfamille-lyons]

✂👓♔

✂ How does your character usually style their hair?

Belle: a messy ponytail 90% of the time, it’s only down when she’s at home after having just showered, or occasionally a few other times. she hates it in her face, so it is always pulled back but a lot of times it is like a second day ponytail cuz she’ll just keep it in when she sleeps so there are always pieces kind of sticking out. belle’s hair is just past shoulder length.

Simba: a lil fro, not super long, maybe just like half an inch/inch off his head. he keeps it well trimmed and shaped tho and keeps a brush in his car that he’ll use before he gets out to go anywhere. keeps a nice clean-cut beard 90% of the time.

Toulouse: always clean shaven (doesn’t have much facial hair anyway lol, imagine...), his hair is perfectly coiffed at all times. that like messy, loose curls look. his hair isn’t long enough to pull back or anything but it’s definitely on the longer side. idk just picture eddie’s fancy hair and it’s like that. takes longer to style it than literally anyone else.

Attina: braids!! tina loves braids. her hair is always styled unless she’s just like running to the grocery store or hanging out at home on a sunday. either wears it in loose curls or up in some sort of fancy up do. usually in different braids: french braids, dutch braids, occasionally braided pigtails. i’d say it’s like a 50/50 on whether it’s down and curled or up and styled. does a LOT of half down/half up looks. i’d say it reaches her bra strap line, so bottom of shoulder blades?

Hercules: he does literally zero things to his hair.

Mei: leaves it down most of the time because she can’t be bothered. it is very Long, almost to her butt long. it’s pretty messy. has a nice natural wave to it, very thick so if she does throw it up, it’s just in a messy bun or pony tail. when she’s dancing or exercising it is back though. sometimes she will put it back in some fancier updos, usually for special occasions. 

Shock: her hair is always kind of ratty and greasy. i have a hc that she actually hasn’t cut it since she went into remission so it’s also very long. however, she can’t be bothered with it most days and just throws it up in a bun, so most people don’t even realize how long it is. probably doesn’t even know how to braid lol. 

Bob: he also does literally zero things to his hair, it’s pretty short, also balding. probably tried to do something about that at one point and it went Very Wrong. 

Thomas: actually does put some product in his hair. mostly because if he didn’t it would be super curly and stick out all over the place and he does care about his appearance somewhat. so he’ll kind of rub product on his hands and then run it through his hair, but that just leaves these like lovely defined curls in the wake.

Zira: shaved head. like a boss. occasionally will don a wig for fancy occasions, but her day to day is a shaved head or a very, very close cut fro.

Candace: usually down. sometimes she’ll put it in a ponytail, especially when she’s doing something Science-y (TM) but when she puts it up there are always a few hairs that frame her face. braids it occasionally if she’s feeling fancy. it’s also quite long, i’d say mid-back probably, maybe a little longer.

👓 What kind of mobility or assistive devices (if any) does your character use in daily life? (Glasses, canes, hearing aides, wheelchairs, etc.)

Belle: none! tho im thinking about giving her glasses for reading eventually mostly because i think that’s very ironic and also pregnancy can mess up your eyesight bc pregnancy is WACK y’all -- but just imagine the plot of belle not being able to read !!! 

Simba: none! he does have a knee that acts up on him tho and will probably need a cane in his older age (UGH IM SO OLD - simba) 

Toulouse: also considering giving toulouse glasses bc eddie also has very cute glasses and it’s a Look (TM). maybe i will say he has reading glasses, can i just retcon that lmao

Attina: none! 

Hercules: none!

Mei: none!

Shock: had to use a cane for a few months during her treatment, and has also been wheelchair-bound a few times. had to stop using the cane bc all she did was wack people with it and no one could get close to her. 

Bob: none! 

Thomas: none!

Zira: none, she’s a vampire lol

Candace: has glasses! she wears contacts usually bc glasses are for NERDS, but at night or if she’s been studying/reading/on the comp for a long time, she has to switch to glasses bc her eyes will get really fatigued otherwise. 

♔ How does your character usually dress for a fancy event?

Belle: i actually have a hc that all of belle’s fancier outfits come from her mom, because no way would she ever buy them herself. she also only has like 3 pairs of Fancy Shoes that she just rotates through. her color palette for events is like blue/gold generally. 

Simba: on theme -- unless he doesn’t want to be. but he always dresses...not flashy...but uhhhh eye-catching. loves to be the center of attention so his outfits are just wack-o. loves playing around with different looks. please do not test him he will literally wear anything. 

Toulouse: stuntin’ on all you bitches always. toulouse loves NOTHING more than he loves dressing up for fancy events. it is in his BLOOD. always crushes the theme. designer only. jewelry, make up, AMAZING shoes. honestly i wanna play around with different styles even more with him. i had him wear a skirt to pride and 10/10 will do that again idk he is just very fluid in his fashion choices and i should embrace that more. 

Attina: attina has a very modern-classic style. i always say hers is closest to what my own is in my head. lots of sweetheart necklines, long, flowing princess skirts/silhouettes. the girliest of my girls, she loves to look and feel very feminine. her color palette is generally a gold/red/green palette. LOTS of jewelry. bitch loves the sparkle.

Hercules: a suit.

Mei: i love mei’s event and fancy outfit style. it’s very girlish and flirty. doesn’t wear anything super body-hugging. loves tulle skirts. she loves wearing fun clothes but nothing too flashy. her style is kind of hard to describe, but generally pretty modern and not conservative, but definitely not sexy really. it can also be very witchy: lace, capes, shimmery things, etc.

Shock: can be explained by clicking here but seriously, shock only shops at thrift shops or what she can steal from people. so, her outfits are generally kind of all over the place. but she loves a grungy look, but when she dresses up she does like a Modern Flirty Grunge: sheer tops, lace, ripped up clothes, etc.

Bob: a suit.

Thomas: a suit. (sometimes fun colored pocket squares/tie/bow tie. will wear whatever phil puts him in.)

Zira: loves a pant suit. very modern silhouettes. always looking fly. lots of jewel tones: purples, greens, etc.  

Candace: i’m still getting a feel for her fashion and she hasn’t been to any events yet, so we’ll see! but probably very modern and tighter and kind of slutty, but like tasteful slutty. has nice legs so wants to show those off. 

[miallday]

✨2019✨ Jan.-July.

wow. You were a hard year, but you had a great ending to it.

January: I let go of my toxic relationship of 5 years. I let go of his entire family. We ended on a bad note.. pretty much all of them. Sarah and I had an awful fight. I was angry during one of my conversations with Maia. I was so hurt. I remember I was also broke. Like I had less than $100. I went through all my savings for 6 months. I am so blessed I was able to pay all my bills.. all on my OWN. I moved out from my apartment, separating myself from those familiar faces and became a live in nanny. I started school again.. from scratch. I went to school and worked, but I was still broke since I didn’t get paid. I lived off the 200$ a month from my church job. I wanted my head shaved. This is an easy decision. It had been over a year of thought. Jacob was so kind to do it for me. That was the first time I wore his clothes. I liked it. That was also the first time I slept on his bed. I was scared, I didn’t sleep well that night. But waking up that morning it made me happy. I was ok. Now I’m just bald. Yikes. But I liked the wig look... until hair started growing in. In the month of January I began praying to God so much. I remember one night I spoke to God and asked him to show me what to do. Show me the Autrys true colors. To show me the cards. Lay them on the table. Later on that month I had a dream giving me the answers. Time to let go. Jacob called me telling me about Shonté getting this chicks # and stuff and she looked just like Stefany. Jacob came to my rescue again. Jacob, Marcus and I went out that night. I remember it was the first week living at carols. My first Friday night out!! To zen! I’m 21! It was so fun! Jacob suggested putting my phone on airplane mode and the next day I ended everything with Shonté. He told me to go fuck myself... then texted me saying “ i dont know when but one day I will show you that I love you” lol... that’s the “love” I had for 7 years. (5 + the 2 we were talking.) wow. I wish none of that happened. I am embarrassed of it all. I had no self love at all. I didn’t know what love was. I was trying to find love in all the wrong places. I look back and I wish I could just hug my younger self. I am so glad I am out of that. ALL of it. I was in so much pain. I am thankful for Jacob. I really am, but I am also so proud of myself for finally choosing myself and my happiness. I put myself first for once in my life.

February: I wanted to ignore the hurt that I was feeling. I regret ever talking to justin. I shouldn’t have done it. I knew it was wrong. I didn’t want him to kiss me. I wanted to move my head, but I was lonely. I’m sorry. I knew you loved me since the 7th grade. It was nice catching up on life. We may have been best friends but Sam really did take you away from Zahria and I for years. I tried to tell you that we were just talking. I knew I didn’t want more, I’m sorry for going along with those conversations. I shouldnt have sexted you. I shouldn’t have made out with you in your car. I led you on. I am so sorry. It was wrong. I was lonely and I thought maybe our long friendship must mean maybe there could be more. But you were too much for me. You took me to meet your whole family on our first date. I spoke to everyone of course, but you continuously asked “are you having fun”. Ugh Justin I missed my friend. I hated when we were in the car stopped at a red light you’d want to kiss me over and over and over. I’d say stop & you wouldn’t. I didnt want this. I could never love you the way you needed to be loved. I am so happy you found someone, but Apart of me regrets losing my guy bestfriend since middle school, but after all that happened it’s too late. You became clingy and told me you loved me too fast. It was only a month. & you’d say it so often. You made me feel suffocated. I didn’t have that love connection with you. It was TOO much for ME. You’d call me every night around 7/8pm and you keep talking until 1am. I’d get frustrated bc I’m serious about my sleep. I’d say bye and you would somehow find another topic. So I even told you to give me space. While you were blowing up my phone I was sleeping next to Jacob in his bed, getting high and doing acid with him. Nothing happened ever, but you never knew. You just knew I was there. That’s how I knew I didn’t want this.. I could never commit to you. I knew you weren’t it. I wanted to be around Jacob more than I ever wanted to talk to you. And I’m sorry. This one day before work I walked up to a church and I sat down on their bench outside. It was like 8pm and I spoke to God. I asked him to show me if you were meant to be in my life.. not to long later God showed me the answers. The fact that after I went to visit Jenn for her birthday and Jacob mentioned who she saw him marrying I knew it was me but I was afraid I would be right and things would get awkward. But somehow Jacob smoothly brought up our pact by 30 if we were still single we’d get married and I was ok with that. Or when we did acid that day I was making a floor angel.. before we fell asleep I told you I didn’t mind being with you if by 30 we didn’t have anyone. My heart was with Jacob before I even knew.

March: Jacob and I began hanging out. During my spring break we went out to eat. We drank. I got high from brownie crumbs you shared with me. We drank. In the Uber I leaned on you and I dosed off, but you put your hand on my leg. I felt it but with you I wanted you to keep you hand there. We got to his place and we talked about tattoos. You even helped me decide what to do with mine and then we ended up wrestling. It was fun. Nothing more. That whole week we hung out. I went to go visit you in pentagon city. We texted daily. Anyways, Wednesday March 13 you kissed me. A couple days before I had a feeling something would happen between us. I was in shock that you kissed me. I dont know, I just never put mind to it. I accepted you for who you were, but I always turned my head bc I knew your body count. I am sorry for judging you. I did accept you, but that kept me from looking at your direction the whole time we were friends. I dont know if that sounds shitty of me. There was also something going on between you and Zahria and I really didn’t like it. In all honesty I didn’t want to give her your number the first time. Back in cityside. Big yikes. Anyways. I liked you. I liked how it felt when you kissed me. I wanted to know if you’d kiss me again. Then next morning you kissed me and said “does that answer your question.” So cute. From this moment I told Justin to let me go and find someone else. I didn’t want to waste his time. I wanted to do things right. For St.Patricks day Jacob invited me out to DuPont circle! This parents were there. That night was fun. Jacob and I clicked in a different way. We were out together. I held his hand for the first time outside. I also called him bby. There was a connection. I remember that night pretty clearly. Anyways, Jacob & I had sex like a week later. I wanted to. I wanted you. I wanted you since my 20th birthday. On acid I looked at you when I was laying on my bed and I literally said I wanna fuck him but I knew that was wrong of me to think that. I wasn’t scared the first time we did it. It was definitely better than my first time lol. And it was mutual and we were sober. That.. helps me.. in all honesty. All the time I think of that and I smile. The next day.. oof it was the first time I ever had good sex. It was hard having sex with you for a while after that though. I really felt like I lost my virginity. It was rough for a while. I am so lucky. I was always embarrassed but you helped me feel better. I’m sorry for bleeding on you. I really appreciate you comforting me every time... you are so sweet. I remember that following day you took me over to your parents house. That was my first time there. He brought me to his parents house ASAP. I met Shonté’s family 3 years later and that’s because I came over during Christmas break and his parents decided no one should spend Christmas alone in another state. Yeah I was literally going to stay at his dads apt alone if his parents didn’t want me to come. Yikes. You obviously really did like me. Don’t worry I can’t wait until you meet my brother and my nephews. My nephews are my treasure, so you are very special!!! I remember the last day of March.. March 31st we went on our first date!! No ones ever gone all out for me like that... I was speechless. You took me to the fish market. You got a small bowl of clam chowder and I got fish and chips. We walked down king street and we went to go see Kai. You paid for our tickets to get on the ferry. I’ve never been on that one!! It was cold but there was a beautiful view. We got to NH and we passed by a spicy sauce store. We still have to go there!!!! Then we got on the Ferris wheel. I had so much fun with you. The first time I went on it I didn’t have much of a good time. So thank you for giving me a better memory!!💗

April: Jacob called me his girlfriend over text. I remember I completely ignored it. You pointed it out and I told you I wasn’t your girlfriend until you ask me. I’m glad I stood up for myself. I wanted you to know I am different. April 12 we woke up super early and took acid. We spent the whole trip in bed binge watching breaking bad. I love that. Later that night you casted a slideshow for me. That’s when you asked me out. I found it so cute and I loved the effort you made to ask me to be your girlfriend. I went and got tested this month. I was scared tbh. I wish I would have been smarter and asked Jacob some more serious questions before having sex without a condom. But when we had sex I was okay with it, i could have said no put one on but i really wanted to know what you actually felt like too. & I loved it. I could never go back. Well unless I find those vibrating condom thing. We gotta try. But anyways. I didn’t have peace of mind until my dr. called. I don’t mean to judge. But I’m glad all is good. School was going well! I was working on my website. I was nannying and teaching Jonah Spanish on thursdays. I was also making $ in the side with Sophie, and Guy& Coleman as well as the church! I was productive... you see.. not smoking weed.. I was sober. This is why I’m harder on myself. I could be doing more. Anyways. April was a good month.

May: In May I finished my spring semester!! I took 5 classes. All A’s and B’s. I worked SO hard. I remember I stayed up all night until 4am studying my history notes. Over and over and over. Took a 2 hour nap and went to school. Took my finals and had to hurry and pick up Jonah for tutoring. It was so nice to go out to eat for dinner that day. I was proud of myself. I finessed my communications professor to bring my grade from a B to an A. It took some convincing but he did it. He gave me those extra points. I went home for Mother’s Day. This was wonderful... 2019 I finished paying off to install my moms tombstone. And my brother and I went to see her for Mother’s Day. We got her a bouquet of red roses. Her favorite! It was nice even though my brother was a total dick to me on that 40 minute Uber ride. Zahria didn’t hang out with me this weekend and I was very upset about that. She was mad that I was going to see Michael. Michael and I still speak tbh. Mostly about drugs and life. I was always a real friend to him since freshman year. But now I understand where she was coming from. Jacob and I would FaceTime each other at night now & fall asleep. So cute. I went back home and it took sometime to be okay again. That toxic, negative energy back home is some serious shit. Summer semester started and I only took one class for 6 weeks!!

June:

Pride was so much fun. I wish I went the second day, but I had school and work on Monday. I didn’t want to be out late on a Sunday. But I really had a great time. Too bad I’m so awkward. This is the month Jenn was helping me speak up to Carol and Aaron about the contract. I was terrified. THAT WAS HARD FOR ME. That was so hard for me. But I did it. I spoke to them about it and I decided the best decision was to move out. It’s crazy bc at this time I found my love for champagne. I was drinking so much of it. Tbh that’s how I gained so much weight. Alcohol!!!!!! Anyways. I was sitting in Jacobs closet and he came to talk to me. We talked about what happened and you brought up if I wanted to move in with you. I said yes. So I gave my decision. They didn’t want to give me any money. I would get $200 a month for food if I worked more hours from the morning. As well as no summer tutoring so I would have to readjust my hours on the weekends and I wasn’t about it. So I cleaned up my room. They wanted me out ASAP. Marcus and Jacob helped me moved half my stuff. The other half Aaron helped. They weren’t in a good mood that days Carol gave me a hug though and told me she loves me. I closed another chapter. I was nervous and worried to move in with Jacob but it wasn’t too bad.

July: Jacob always tries his best to make me feel welcomed. He moved his desk over and gave it to me. He moved his shelf and fridge to make more space. You were okay with me taking the closet. You never once complained. You were okay that I had a lot of things. I was so worried about it all, but you always comfort me. I started working with Andrea. It was a blessing answered from God. I remember telling Jacob I wanted to take care of another 3 month old again.. and then Bradley came along. That baby brought me a ton of happiness whereas Jackson gave me headaches 🤣 I felt good. I was in school. I was making money. I was also babysitting Cora a lot. I made a little over $500 in 3 days. I saw Guy & Coleman. Jacob, Marcus and I went to Dave & busters. I had a lot of fun. I love that wizard of oz machine. I also came across this letter I wrote for myself back in 2016. I was suppose to wait until 2021, but I read it anyways. Wow I accomplished a couple things in there, but the way I saw my life planned was SO WRONG. hahah. I went and renewed my cpr license. The instructor was tough. I was afraid she wouldn’t pass me. I was doubting myself but I had studying. It was just a lot of pressure. I am so proud of myself for passing and I have a renewed certificate now. I ended the month saying goodbye to the Barhydt’s. They moved back to MA.

[samanthasroberts]

ReflexLOLogy: Inside the Groan-Inducing World of Pun Competitions

From the moment he spoke, I knew I was screwed. On the surface, the guy wasn’t particularly fearsome—pudgy, late thirties, polo shirt, plaid shorts, baseball cap, dad sneakers—but he looked completely at ease. One hand in his pocket, the other holding the microphone loosely, like a torch singer doing crowd work. And when he finally began talking, it was with an assurance that belied the fact that he was basically spewing nonsense.

“I hate all people named John,” he said with surprising bravado. “Yeah, that’s right, that was a John diss!” The crowd roared. John-diss. Jaundice. A glorious, groan-inducing precision strike of a pun.

Welp, I thought. It was fun while it lasted.

If you’re an NBA rookie, you really don’t want to go up against LeBron James. Anyone’s trivia night would be ruined by seeing Ken Jennings on another team. And if you find yourself at the world’s biggest pun competition, the last person you want to face is four-time defending champion Ben Ziek. Yet that’s exactly where I was, on an outdoor stage in downtown Austin, Texas, committing unspeakable atrocities upon the English language in front of a few hundred onlookers who were spending their sunny May Saturday reveling in the carnage.

The rules of the 39th annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championship’s “Punslingers” competition are simple: Two people take turns punning on a theme in head-to-head rounds. Failure to make a pun in the five seconds allowed gets you eliminated; make a nonpun or reuse a word three times and you’ve reached the banishing point. Round by round and pair by pair, a field of 32 dwindles until the last of the halved-nots finally gets to claim the mantle of best punster in the world and what most people would agree are some pretty dubious bragging rights. It’s exactly like a rap battle, if 8 Mile had been about software engineers and podcasters and improv nerds vying for supremacy. (Also just like 8 Mile: My first-round opponent had frozen when his turn came to pun on waterborne vehicles. Seriously, yacht a word came out. Canoe believe it?)

Eventually, there we stood, two among the final eight: me, a first-timer, squaring off against the Floyd Mayweather of the pun world. Actually, only one of us was standing; I found myself doing the world’s slowest two-step just to keep my legs from trembling. I’d been a little jittery in my first couple of rounds, sure, but those were standard-issue butterflies, perched on a layer of misguided confidence. This was the anxiety of the sacrificial lamb. I was punning above my weight, and I knew it. Once the judges announced that we’d be punning on diseases—hence Ziek’s joke about star-crossed livers—we began.

“Mumps the word!” I said, hoping that my voice wasn’t shaking.

Ziek immediately fired back: “That was a measle-y pun.” Not only was he confident, with a malleable voice that was equal parts game show host and morning-radio DJ, but his jokes were seemingly fully formed. Worse, he was nimble enough to turn your own pun against you.

“Well, I had a croup-on for it,” I responded. Whoa. Where’d that come from?

He switched gears. “I have a Buddha at home, and sometimes”—making a rubbing motion with his hand—“I like to rubella.”

I was barely paying attention. Diseases, diseases—oh! I pointed at people in different parts of the audience. “If you’ve got a yam, and you’ve got a potato, whose tuber’s closest?”

“There was a guy out here earlier painted light red,” Ziek said. “Did you see the pink guy?”

“I didn’t,” I responded. “Cold you see him?”

Again and again we pun-upped each other, a philharmonic of harmful phonics. From AIDS to Zika we ranged, covering SARS, migraines, Ebola, chicken pox, ague, shingles, fasciitis, streptococcus, West Nile, coronavirus, poison oak, avian flu, gangrene, syphilis, and herpes. Almost five minutes later, we’d gone through 32 puns between the two of us, and I was running dry. As far as my brain was concerned, there wasn’t a medical textbook in existence that contained something we hadn’t used. Ziek, though, had a seemingly endless stockpile and tossed off a quick alopecia pun; I could have bald right then and there. The judge counted down, and I slunk offstage to watch the rest of the competition—which Ziek won, for the fifth time. Knowing I’d lost to the best cushioned the blow, but some mild semantic depression still lingered: Instead of slinging my way to a David-like upset, I was the one who had to go lieth down.

Author Peter Rubin doing the punning man.Ryan Young

When I was growing up, my father’s favorite (printable) joke was “Where do cantaloupes go in the summertime? Johnny Cougar’s Melon Camp.” This is proof that—well, it’s proof that I grew up in Indiana. But it’s also proof that I was raised to speak two languages, both of them English. See, there’s the actual words-working-together-and-making-sense part, and then there’s the fun part. The pliant, recombinant part. The part that lets you harness linguistic irregularities, judo-style, to make words into other words. It’s not conscious, exactly; it just feels at some level like someone made a puzzle and didn’t bother to tell me, so my brain wants to figure out what else those sounds can do.

A lifetime of listening to hip hop has reinforced that phonetic impulse. Polysyllabic rhymes aren’t strictly puns, but they’re made of the same marrow; when Chance the Rapper rhymes “link in my bio” with “Cinco de Mayo” in the song “Mixtape,” I get an actual endorphin hit. Besides, rap is full of puns already: instant-gratification ones—like Lil Wayne saying “Yes I am Weezy, but I ain’t asthmatic” or MF Doom saying “Got more soul than a sock with a hole”—as well as ones that reveal themselves more slowly. Kanye West might be more famous for his production than his lyricism, but he endeared himself to me forever on the song “Dark Fantasy” by spitting the best Family Matters pun of all time: “Too many Urkels on your team, that’s why your wins low.”

I was punning above my weight, and I knew it.

Whether this is nature or nurture, though, the end result is the same: I’m playing with language all the time, and Kanye and I aren’t the only ones. “I can’t listen passively to someone speaking without the possibility of puns echoing around in my head,” says Gary Hallock, who has been producing and hosting the O. Henry Pun-Off for 26 years. He’s seen the annual event grow from an Austin oddity to a national event and watched dad jokes, of which puns are the most obvious example, take hold in the millennial consciousness; a dad-joke-devoted Reddit board boasts more than 250,000 members. “I’ve often compared punsters to linguistic terrorists,” Hallock says. “We’re literally stalking conversations, looking for the weak place to plant our bomb.”

And we’ve been doing it for a long, long time—verbal puns date back to at least 1635 BC, when a Babylonian clay tablet included a pun on the word for “wheat”—and the world has been conflicted about them for nearly as long. (Linguists can’t even agree whether the word pun derives from French, Old English, Icelandic, or Welsh, though there’s no point heading down that scenic root.) On one hand, puns are the stuff of terrible children’s joke books. Oliver Wendell Holmes likened punsters to “wanton boys that put coppers on the railroad tracks. They amuse themselves and other children, but their little trick may upset a freight train of conversation for the sake of a battered witticism.” On the other, God, how can you not feel a little thrill when you make a good one or a begrudging joy when you hear a better one?

Humor theorists generally agree that comedy hinges on incongruity: when a sentence or situation subverts expectations or when multiple interpretations are suggested by the same stimulus. (Also, yes, humor theorists are a thing.) That stimulus can be visual (looking at you, eggplant emoji!) or auditory (what up, tuba fart!); most commonly, though, it’s linguistic. Language is slippery by nature, and of the many kinds of wordplay—hyperbole, metaphor, spoonerisms, even letter-level foolery like anagrams—nothing takes advantage of incongruity quite like puns, of which there are four specific varieties. In order of increasing complexity, you’ve got homonyms, identical words that sound alike (“Led Zeppelin’s guitarist was interrogated last week, but detectives weren’t able to turn the Page”); homophones, which are spelled differently but sound the same (“I hate raisins! Apologies if you’re not into curranty vents.”); homographs, which sound different but look the same (“If you’re asking me to believe that a Loire cabernet is that different from a Napa cabernet, then the terroirists have won.”); and paronyms, which are just kinda similar-sounding (“I have a ton of work to do, but I ate so much cucumber chutney that I have raita’s block”). When we hear a pun, the words we hear aren’t the words we think we hear, and the burden’s on us to crack the code.

Granted, there are people out there who hate puns, and maybe rightly so. But for many of us, that decryption process is a reward unto itself. “Humor happens when something important is being violated,” cognitive scientist Justine Kao says. “Social norms, expectations. So for people who are sensitive to the rules that language follows, puns are more entertaining.” In other words, if you work with words on a daily basis—writing, editing, translating—you’re simply primed to appreciate them more. Behind every great headline, any editor will tell you, is a great pun. (I have a colleague at WIRED who once looked at a page about chef’s knives and gave it the headline “JULIENNE MORE”; people lost their goddamn minds.)

Still, even among the nerdiest of word herders, there are some rules. Two years ago, Kao and two colleagues at Stanford and UC San Diego decided to prove empirically that incongruity was the root of humor. They tested people’s reactions to hundreds of sentences that varied from one another in minute ways. Some used homophones; some didn’t. Some added detail supporting the nonpun interpretation of the sentence; some stripped detail away. They were able to demonstrate that ambiguity of meaning is necessary for a pun to be perceived—but it’s only half of the equation. (And literally, there’s an equation.) After all, “I went to the bank” is ambiguous, but it’s not a pun. The true determining factor of a pun’s funniness is what the team calls distinctiveness.

Take the sentence “The chef brought his girlfriend flours on Valentine’s Day.” It’s a homophone, so it’s not the most complex pun. But if you turn the chef into a pastry chef, that added vocation property makes the pun more distinctive. “When you’re able to identify keywords from different topics,” Kao says, “it clues you in on the intentionality of it—you’re forcing together two things that don’t often co-occur.”

Of course, “The pastry chef brought his girlfriend flours on Valentine’s Day” still isn’t funny. It’s the kind of pun a bot would make, and maybe has made in the decades since programmers created the first pun generator. There’s no storytelling to it, no drama. A good pun isn’t just an artless slab of sound-alikeness: It’s a joke that happens to hinge on wordplay. A truly formidable punner knows that and frames a sentence to make the pun the punch line. The longer you delay the ambiguity, the more tension you introduce—and the more cathartic the resolution. A pun should be an exclamation point, not a semicolon.

But was I a truly formidable punner? I’d thought so—hell, my lifelong dream is seeing Flavor Flav and Ellen Burstyn cohosting a talk show, just so it can be called Burstyn With Flavor—but after Austin, I had my doubts. I’d cracked under pressure once; until I tried again, I’d never know fissure. As it turned out, a second chance was around the corner.

The Bay Area Pun-Off, a monthly philharmonic of harmful phonics.Ryan Young

Compact and jovial, Jonah Spear is a dead ringer for Saturday Night Live’s Taran Killam—or at least for Taran Killam in high school: Spear recently shaved off a grizzled-prospector beard and looks about half of his 34 years. He’s also a professional play facilitator and counselor at an adult summer camp (no to phones and drinking, yes to sing-alongs and bonfires). That loosey-goosey vibe has carried into the Bay Area Pun-Off, a monthly event Spear began hosting in January that’s just one of a handful of competitive punning events popping up across the country.

If the O. Henry Pun-Off is the Newport Folk Festival, then its Bay Area cousin—like Punderdome 3000 in Brooklyn, Pundamonium in Seattle, or the Great Durham Pun Championship in, well, Durham—is Coachella. The audience is younger, and the raucous atmosphere is fueled as much by beer as by unabashed pun love. It started in the living room of a communal house in Oakland in January 2016 but quickly outgrew its confines; in June the organizers even staged a New York City satellite event.

But on this Saturday night, a week after O. Henry, it’s a high-ceilinged performance space in San Francisco’s Mission District where I’m looking for redemption. The pool of contestants at the Bay Area Pun-Off is small by O. Henry standards, and we commence with an all-hands marathon on tree puns designed to winnow the field of 12 down to eight. “I’m just hoping to win the poplar vote,” one woman says. “Sounds like birch of contract to me,” says someone else. A lanky British guy whom I’ll call Chet rambles through a shaggy-dog story involving a French woman and three Jamaican guys to get to a tortured “le mon t’ree” punch line. The crowd eats it up.

“Keep the applause going. It takes balsa get up here and do this.”

When you’re waiting for 11 other people to pun, you’ve got plenty of time to think of your next one, so I try to Ziek out a good-sized reserve of puns—and when it’s my turn, I make sure that my puns build on the joke that came before me. “Keep the applause going,” I say after someone boughs out. “It takes balsa get up here and do this.” After someone delivers a good line, I admit that “I ended up being pretty frond of it.” They’re not distinctive, but at this stage they don’t need to be, as long as they’re ambiguous. Things go oak-ay, and I’m on to the next round. (What, yew don’t believe me? Olive got is my word.)

After I indulge in a muggleful of Harry Potter puns, I find myself in the semifinals against a Quora engineer named Asa. Spear scribbles the mystery topic on a small chalkboard hidden from sight, then turns it around. It says … diseases. The same category that knocked me out in Austin? The category I dwelled on for the entire flight home, thinking of all the one-liners that had eluded me?

This time, there’s no running dry. Not only do I remember all the puns I used against Ben Ziek, but I remember all the puns he made against me. So when Asa says, “I’m really taking my mumps,” I shoot back with “That’s kinda measly, if you ask me.” I reprise puns I’d made in Austin (“Did you see that Italian opera singer run through the door? In flew Enzo!”); I use puns that I’d thought of since (“My mom makes the best onion dip. It’s HIV little concoction you’d love”). Asa fights gamely, but I have immunerable disease puns at my fingertips, and it’s not much longer before the round is over.

And then, again, there are two: me and Chet. The difference now is I’m locked in: no nerves, no self-consciousness, just getting out of my brain’s way and letting the connections happen. When Spear announces the theme—living world leaders—I don’t even start trying to stockpile puns. I just wait, and they come.

Chet opens the round: “Ohhhh, BAMA. I don’t know anything about world leaders!”

This time, just hearing him mention Obama conjures up a mental image of Justin Trudeau. Before the laughter even dies down, I nod my head encouragingly: “True, tho—that was a decent pun!”

It’s Austin all over again, just in reverse: Now I’m the quick one and Chet’s the one who has to scramble. He fumbles through a long story about rock climbing that leads to a pun about his cam-bell. (And before you ask: Chances are he wasn’t actually talking about Kim Campbell, who was prime minister of Canada for all of six months in 1993, but in the heat of the moment no one realized he’d just screwed up David Cameron’s name.)

My turn? No problem. Just keep flipping it back to him. “Another patented long-ass Chet story,” I say. “I am Bushed.”

“Well,” Chet says, then pauses. “He thinks he can just … Blair shit out.”

It’s his one solid blow. I talk about the “bonky moon” that’s shining outside that night. I confide in the audience about my own alopecia problem, and how I needed to buy a Merkel. And each time, the audience is right there with me. They don’t necessarily know what’s coming, but they’re loving it. Chet’s used three US presidents and two prime ministers; meanwhile, I’ve been from South Korea to Germany, by way of Canada.

Even better, I’ve got another continent in my pocket. “Have you guys been to Chet’s farm?” I ask the audience. “He has this group of cows that won’t stop talking.” I wait a beat. “They are seriously moo-gabby.”

What happens next is a blur, to be perfectly honest. I can’t even tell you what comes out of Chet’s mouth next, but it’s either nothing or it’s the name of someone dead—and either way, the Bay Area Pun-Off is over.

I might not have been able to vanquish Ben Ziek; this may be my only taste of victory in the world of competitive paronomasiacs; hell, I may never know the secret to the perfect pun. But as long as I’ve got the words to try, one thing’s for sure: I’ll use vaguely different words to approximate those words, thereby creating incongruity and thus humor.

Or maybe I’ll just plead raita’s block.

Phrase the Roof!

Author Peter Rubin set up a Slack channel here at Wired to crowdsource the punny headlines for the opening illustration to this story. He compiled more than 150 of them. Here are the ones we couldnt fit.

1. PRESENTS OF MIND

2. SHEER PUNDEMONIUM

3. VIRULENT HOMOPHONIA

4. OFF-SYLLABLE USE

5. PUNBELIEVABLE

6. HEADLINE BLING

7. LIVE A CRITIC, DIACRITIC

8. FEAST OF THE PRONUNCIATION

9. VERBAL MEDICATION

10. THE BEST OF BOTH WORDS

11. SUFFERING FROM INCONSONANT

12. DAMNED WITH FAINT PHRASE

13. THE SEVEN DEADLY SYNTAXES

14. THE NOUN JEWELS

15. PUNS THE WORD

16. CONSONANT READER

17. FARTS OF SPEECH

18. PUN-CHEWATION

19. GRAMMAR RULES

20. POISSON PEN

21. PUNS AND NEEDLES

22. DEATH AND SYNTAXES

23. THE WRITE STUFF

24. MAKING THE COPY

25. SLAIN LETTERING

26. PUN AND GAMES

27. VALLEY OF THE LOLZ

28. NOUN HEAR THIS

29. WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR QUOTE

30. PUT A VERB ON IT!

31. CRIME AND PUN-NICHE-MEANT

32. TIC TALK

33. ECCE HOMONYM

34. DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXTS ASS

35. WRITES OF MAN

36. VERB APPEAL

37. THE RHYME DIRECTIVE

38. SLOGAN’S RUN

39. REBEL WITHOUT A CLAUSE

40. BURNS OF PHRASE

41. ARTLESS QUOTATIONS

42. BON MOT MONEY, BON MOT PROBLEMS

43. JESTIN’ CASE

44. LET ‘ER QUIP

45. ADVERB REACTIONS

46. INFINITE JESTS

47. ARTS OF SPEECH

48. DIGITAL PUNDERGROUND

49. THE PUN-ISHER

50. IMPUNDING DOOM

51. BEYOND PUNDERDOME

52. BAUHAUS OF CARDS

53. TEXTUAL HARASSMENT

54. IT���S A PUNGLE OUT THERE

55. GRAND THEFT MOTTO

56. IT HAD PUNNED ONE NIGHT

57. PLEASE GRAMMAR DON’T HURT EM

58. RHETORICAL QUESTIN’

59. ACUTE PUNS? SURE

60. BAWDILY HUMORED

61. DAMNED IF YOU INNUENDO, DAMNED IF YOU INNUENDON’T

62. TROUBLE ENTENDRES

63. WITS UP, DOC

64. SELF-IMPROV MEANT

65. PUN-EYED JOKERS

66. LAUGHTERMATH

67. JAPES OF WRATH

68. MAKING HA-HAJJ

69. MUTTER, MAY I?

70. BATTLE OF HALF-WITS

71. DEMI-BRAVADO

72. MALCONTENT MARKETING

73. NON-SILENT OFFENSES

74. ORAL HIJINX

75. THE PUN-ISHER

76. NOUNS, YOUR CHANCE

77. TEXT OF KIN

78. OH, PUN AND SHUT

79. JOKE OF ALL TRADES

80. PATTER UP

81. SCHTICK IT TO EM

82. BOOS HOUNDS

83. IT’S NOT EASY BEING GROANED

84. FAR FROM THE MADDENED CROWD

85. COMPETITIVE DEBASING

86. THE PUNFORGIVEN

87. THE PUNCANNY VALLEY

88. INTENTIONAL FORTITUDE

89. CHURCH OF THE LETTER DISDAIN

90. POETRY IN MASHIN’

91. CREATIVE SENTENCING

92. DAAAMN, DACTYL!

93. NO CONTEXT

94. A TALE OF TWO SILLIES

95. THE WIZARD OF LOLZ

96. IT’S A PUNDERFUL LIFE

97. WHAT’S HA? PUNNIN’

98. THE ZING AND I

99. THE WILD PUNS

100. THE PUN ALSO RISES

101. HOW THE REST WERE PUNNED

102. RAGING SYLLABLE

103. DANGEROUS ELISIONS

104. GOODWILL PUNTING

105. FELLOWSHIP OF THE WRONG

106. INGLOURIOUS LAST WORDS

107. THE LIMITATION GAME

108. APPETITE FOR DISTRACTION

109. HOW I MEANT ANOTHER

110. LARKS AND RECREATION

111. COMEDY OF AIRERS

112. DECLARATION OF INNER PENANCE

113. BOO HA-HA

Senior editor and pun criminal Peter Rubin (@provenself) wrote about the roadblocks to VR in issue 24.04.

This article appears in the October 2016 issue.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/12/reflexlology-inside-the-groan-inducing-world-of-pun-competitions/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/09/12/reflexlology-inside-the-groan-inducing-world-of-pun-competitions/