#and then I have to fucking take the next one next semester
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this assignment I’m working on is soo hard bc the topic is like. highlight a surprising impact that a business (the one that you chose for a completely different topic for a different paper) has had on your community. like. am I supposed to LIE? because there isn’t a surprising impact that this restaurant has had on my community?????? what am I supposed to write about ??? it’s a restaurant???????
#Im so excited to be done with this class I HATE IT#and then I have to fucking take the next one next semester#also it’s a new restaurant too#so#like I genuinely am confused on what to do#especially because it’s like it has to be something you couldn’t find out from social media#like I feel like all of this fucking class has just been me being like I don’t fucking understand what you want from me#I don’t understand the prompt I don’t understand the topic I don’t understand the end result#and I’m probably thinking too much about it#it’s going to be fine I have an A so far#I don’t think even if I fuck up royally that I can fail this class#but I’m still like ??????#I just want to do things right and make them good#but I don’t know how#how do I NOT SUCK at writing#I kind of thought this class would teach me how to write better but it feels more like I was supposed to already know#which was my fear about college#that they expect me to already just understand this stuff#thank GOD for my regular ass archaeology class#it’s like lectures and textbooks and LEARNING THINGS!!!!!!#not being tested on things I never learned but am somehow expected to already be good at
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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how am i supposed to raise my gpa if i keep getting the shittiest fucking teachers on earth oh my god. no more peace and love i hope they die.
#i am. so fucking done.#14 days left of the semester and i am on the verge of giving up#staring at the final in a week or two like.#girl. no one is passing that shit and it is your fault.#and then youre going to have the fucking audacity to lecture us about#how we're the problem because we dont study correctly#like you always fucking do#and its like no!#youve always been the fucking problem!!#go back to the school you fucking came from bc we were a lot better without you bitch#god im just. so angry.#like my team mate was honest to god unironically praying after we took the quiz#like girl !!!! people should not have to pray for good grades !!!#tell me how we still got a 72 with ALL OF US working together#AND DOUBLE CHECKING IT LIKE 5 TIMES#AND WE WERE LIKE THE HIGHEST GRADE IN THE CLASS ???#BE FR.#I HOPE YOU FALL IN A FUCKING PIT#and i probably wont be able to take spanish 4 next year because HE teaches upper level spanish now#and im so fucking pissed about that#like i want to learn spanish but im not doing that in this class. because he doesnt teach it.#i cant do this for another semester. i would rather die.#and next semester im taking art and#apparently i got the teacher who never gives hundreds because 'art isnt perfect'#girl WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU#IF I DID THE WORK GIVE ME THE 100 STOP MAKING THIS SOME MORAL BLATHER OR WHATEVER
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Whelp. I just emailed the Dean.
#bread hates college now I guess#if you see this without seeing the post I made the other day#basically I was wrongly dropped from an online course#I don’t know if it’s a mistake or if the professor is just a dick#but I got dropped from the course and it’s a required credit for me#the main problem has to do with financial aid I was receiving#it only applied to this semester and we have been sternly informed that it will not carry over to the next semester#so if I have to take the class or an equivalent again#that could be a minor problem#I mean money isn’t an issue- but like- if I were someone else and it *was*#what the fuck then#are they just gonna say ‘tough luck’ like ??? c’mon dude#cuz I don’t want to take this course or this professor now- and I certainly won’t be doing it this semester#it was already a compressed course- 15 weeks down to 10#and this is setting me back by at least one week- probably more like three#so I could very easily be failing with no chance of regaining footing if I get put back into the course#and that’s if I do amazing on all the work- which I realistically know I won’t and can’t#so I’m going to take a different course that satisfies the requirement next semester instead of this semester#but the problem there is that I’m almost certain that the financial aid won’t transfer#and that’s a huge pain in the ass and also entirely *wrong*#cuz like- what if I really did need that money?#and they dropped me from a course I need to graduate- without ever contacting me personally about dropping me from the course- after I had-#-already shown participation in said course#so like.. b r u h.#at the very least. they could’ve talked to me directly about what the issue was#cuz at this point I don’t even know what the problem is#anyways#I’m frustrated and tired
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.
#i’ve been working through some stuff in my head#and I’ve realised that so much of my life I’ve occupied the spaces in-between#like I acheived certain things in my life because I was literally the only one who stepped up#but it was also like. I wasn’t the first choice for something I was always just what was available#or I tried to carve out something for myself and it ended up either being taken away from me or getting ruined somehow#like when I was in the pipe band I became drum major because I was literally the only drummer (not that anyone really liked me…#i was just. the only choice there was until someone else came along).#or when I moved up the ladder at the tutoring service it was during Covid and I had to work so much harder because#we just didn’t have a full team.#or when I had to do my undergraduate thesis by myself because also covid#and now having to do my research project basically 100% by myself because my advisor ‘‘can’t’’ advise me#(except he can apparently write me some exam questions next semester)#idk I just feel like the extra frozen water on the side of the ice cube tray of life#and now I’m in Canada and I’m trying to make a place for myself#I want this to work out. I want to be able to solidify the life that I want without having to live on the fucking edge#I’m tired of staying in my ‘lane’ when my ‘lane’ has always been ‘standing on the side to let others pass’#Listen up queers I am allowed to take up space and I am occupying this part of the lane#if you don’t like it then you can make your own fucking lane#I’m just trying to make a life in this ridiculous precarious world I don’t want to have to play it safe anymore#I want to get into a PhD programme and study what I want to study#I want to meet someone I can trust with myself when I’m fragile and someone who trusts me with themself when they’re fragile#I want to live in a house I don’t have to worry about losing and make enough money to live comfortably#I want to stop merely surviving and start *living*#and I’m going to do everything in my power to achieve that
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Uni lecture is making me think about my future for a minute and auuuggghhhh the agonies
#personal#taking a brief break from it bc the feeling hasnt quite overwhelmed me yet but i dont think I'm going to be okay by the end of it!#its asking me to consider what my strengths are. what kind of role I'd like to have in the industry when i graduate#these are questions that i SHOULD certainly have answers to but they kind of just make me not wanna be alive yk? bc i have no answers#I'm not really good at much. like the things I'm best at I'm still completely unexceptional#what are my strengths? don't have any. next question#what job do i want to have in the industry? well that requires an answer to the first question doesn't it#not to mention it requires me to think about graduating and having a job and I've simply never imagined myself getting that far#and i can only give this so much of my attention span bc I'm also thinking about how hard i failed my modules from last semester#my best grade this year has been a c#one of them is a marginal fail meaning i do the reassessment this year (i think)#the other is a hard f. what does that mean? do i resit the entire course next year? maybe#and i can't look it up just yet bc i need to make it through the lecture bc I'm really far behind this other module already#and it's only week 3 and i have a presentation tomorrow#and if i stop watching it im not convinced I'll bring myself to start watching again!#so instead i was just sitting here trying not to get overwhelmed by all of the things i should be thinking about!!!#that's why I'm making the post tbh. just to organise my thoughts and get it out of my system and give myself time to breathe#and my phone keeps buzzing while i type and if it does that one more time i will launch us both out of the window I'm so fucking done#semester has barely begun and im so fucking overwhelmed already#I've joked about being the token nt mutual before but honestly the past few years I've just been getting gradually more convinced I'm not#this can't be how everyone else is experiencing life. surely#like dude I'm so out of fucking touch w the concept of being a human#so in summary: augh the agonies
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low key tempted to email the professor of my standup class being like "hi jysk i just registered for [course number] and i'm very excited to take a class from you again!" and then use the rest of the email to infodump about kids in the hall and the buddy cole documentary lmao. using the trojan horse of being a joy to have in class as a way to spread kith propaganda
#love love love taking a class from a professor i've had before bc i don't have to worry about making a first impression lmao#i only have one class with a professor i don't already know next semester. all 3 comedy classes are professors who i've worked with#this standup class guy specifically was the professor when i did the bizarre powerpoint presentation about the history of kidz bop#and that's probably what he still associates me with bc he really enjoyed it even tho it was so fucking weird lmao#i really wish i had a video of my kidz bop powerpoint bc it was iconic. maybe i can rework it for standup class and video it then!!
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hm.
#technically this is not irreparable. if i get a 70 on the next exam and an 80 on the final i will pass. BUT the likelihood of that happening#is so fucking low i don’t know what to do lmfao i have never in my life done this bad in a class. i cant keep running to the river to sob my#eyes out over fucking physics this is ridiculous. but also i really really REALLY don’t want to drop it if there’s even a chance of me#passing bc it’s a prereq for one of my classes next semester. and that class is 4 credits and we’re only allowed to take 3 credits alongside#our co op which is bullshit but what am i supposed to do abt it. so if i withdraw i’d need to push back my graduation when it’s already#fucking pushed back thanks to this being a five year program and i cannot afford to do that. el oh el#personal#the physics chronicles
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planning classes has me going "hehehe *kicking my feet*" but i know as soon as i actually have to attend those classes my brain is going to be like "😐😐😐"
#damien.txt#having a revival of a very specific academic fascination bc my brain decided that rereading if we were villains is a good idea#which is like. one of the main driving forces behind my interest in history & english#and now im like................. hehe shakespeare#to be fair. the plan was always to take shakespeare next semester. the plan has been to take the shakespeare class since i started undergra#because quite literally i have been interested in shakespeare since i was 11 so. this is a long term interest#but now my brain is like hehe...... what if....... shakespeare ma#BITCH. where did this come from. hello????#first of all. do you know how many shakespeare ma programs exist in the world? like 4.#second. brain what. where is this coming from#and now it's trying to convince me of stupid things like 'you should try and learn latin again'#in what WORLD have i ever enjoyed learning latin (<- i have literally studied latin 3 seperate times in my life)#the answer is never. i have never enjoyed it. and i have hardly retained any of it#but ohhhhh boy the urge.... The Urges....#this specific mood always comes up whenever i get back into dark academia stuff again bc i am predictable and not unique#and i always get back into dark academia when it starts to get cold outside bc it's like something awakens within me#that goes 'oh right. we like academia. also the aesthetic hits' and i go FUCK. YOU'RE RIGHT.#but also here i am. writing this tumblr text post instead of doing my actual academics. so. it's all fake anyways#oh! but im very hype abt this shakespeare class actually#bc i think we might have a performance project.... which probably im going to dread when i actually have to do it#but <3<3<3<3<3 i love performing shakespeare so much. it's so much fun to me.#said like a true theater kid fr but. truly and honestly i miss doing that the most from theatre. and i didn't even really get to do it much#mostly just when i got to pick monologues out to do in class in between performances and stuff like that#so. i am a little bit hype. to do that. hopefully it is actually fun and not a complete drag#okay okay im done ranting
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i spent two hours (two hours) with my "friends" from school today and i'm MISERABLE roman voice you need to stop this (@ me)
#and like i say: brf slt#forgot to say we were literally sitting down. in class. taking notes. like there's genuinely no reason for THAT to make me feel this bad!#i'm not even bad at talking to people i never talk to again in class or only hang out with in school not having real friends doesn't bother#me because i have friends outside of school but it's my third year so everyone already has established groups of friends and it's :/ like#on monday in my first class of the year the girl sitting next to me was very nice we talked and we have more classes in common like apart#from the big ones where everyone's here the ones where it's only maybe 30 people. so i'm like that's fun i hope i see her again and i did#but she's friends with the bigger group of friends my friends who don't actually like me are friends with like my non friend's boyfriend's#friends so THEIR friends. like what are the odds. i guess not that crazy because there's only maybe 200 of us or 150 i have no idea#but still#but anyway#today we have one of these classes where it's not everyone but it was like another group of students so it was#me. this girl i've been hanging out with for two years who i didn't want to keep hanging out with at the end of the year because of the way#she reacted to something i did that was like an honest mistake she took it wayyy too seriously and said some things i didn't like i was#like girl fuck you😭 except then they kept the exact same groups AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE ELSE and it was four months later so i actually#sat next to her and we were together for projects and things like that like my bad. that's on me.#and on her first day last year she met a girl who wasn't in our university the year before and they became bffs basically so it was them +#me. and i like the second girl better i think but she's insanely judgey like not to be like i'm so much better than her but i grew out of#the criticizing everyone 24/7 because it's genuinely a fun activity for me and i enjoy it mindset when i left middle school because the one#friend who liked it as much as me went to a different high school and i stopped seeing her every day. i made a post saying this in january#then during the second semester we became friends with another person i don't wanna explain how. we worked on a thing together for class#basically. them i genuinely like even though i don't think we would actually hang out out of school and have that many things to say to#each other. but they're more friends with girl 1 and girl 2 than they are with me because well i'm not comfortable with them so i talk less#than i would if i was comfortable. and there's also person 3's partner we have a few classes with who's cool but same as person 3 with the#being closer to girl 1 and girl 2 even though they're not even that close. but like. yeah idk#they just (girl 1 and girl 2) make me feel like i'm the weird kid in middle school and that wasn't even my middle school experience i'm#gonna let that happen to me NOW AT 22 YEARS OF AGE?#but last year it was like fine actually it's crazy how one class two hours made me rethink it all#but it's also awkward because like am i just gonna go sit all by myself because i don't wanna hang out with them. especially because we#still have a group thing we're gonna have to do until the end of the year that we started last year and it's not like i'd wanna switch#groups because they're a good group to work with. like they actually do the work. and i guess we only have two classes where it's. tag limi
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RRAR
#guess whos unlucky ass got classes with the single person from this semester who i didnt like. again. for next semester#not a bad person. not a bad person no not at all. in fact they are very kind and friendly and inclusive.#i. do not like being included. in fact i like when people respect that i like being left alone. i love when people respect that#THIS ONE DOES NOT RESPECT THAT#remember that post i made? about how being a fujoshi is a bad thing? i made that post. because this person. used that term. at me.#i am. a gay PERON. yes i STILL LOOK VERY FEMALE YES I GET THAT NO I DONT HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY IM NOT A FUJOSHI OR EVEN A WOMAN#nearly every time this person interacts with me (none of them initiated by yours truly) something fucking uncomfortable happens.#and i know. i know in my heart of hearts. that theyre trying their best. but i get so tired of overly nice people i know thats my own issue#another thing i hate is fake compliments. i really hate them. i never give shallow compliments to peoples work like a LOOKS GOOD not even#i ALWAYS take the time to consume the work and think about it before i give MEANINGFUL compliments. always#many MANY TIMES this person has like passed by my computer or whatever and WITHIN SECONDS said ‟woah that looks really good!‟#wh. n. you#you looked at it for nary a minute. id rather you said nothing at all#again. i KNOW im being dramatic you should know that i know this. i know theyre being polite and im being a baby#but. another. fucking semester. with this person#i really fucking cant#i was looking forward to the next semester because there would be new people since i didnt vibe with my class from this semester#lo and FUCKING behold. the worst person from this semester is going to be my classmate AGAIN#fuck fuck fuck i am so whiny i know i know i know i am. but FUCK dude college is stressful enough.#(... it helps that their art... doesnt look good aksjdhf but you didnt hear me say that)#weasel speaks#asks!
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i am going. to scream.
#APPARENTLY only one of my classes was approved from my transfer so i have to retake org chem inorg chem programing AND mathematics 2#feeling absolutely murderous but i am NOT going to take another year to finish this goddamn degree.#so I FUCKING GUESS ill be taking 1.5 semesters worth of classes next autumn and 2 semesters worth next spring 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#legitimately resisting the urge to throw something out the window
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that one post from like 2013 that's like, "how come people of the opposite gender take shirts off differently" and came to the conclusion that it has to do with the way the shirts are cut that makes different shirt removal methods more efficient changed my life. every time i have to take off a top, i think to myself, "was this piece of clothing designed with a man or a woman in mind?" and proceed to remove it in the optimum manner
#the worm speaks#i have also elected to be unmedicated On Purpose today bc uhhhhh my dad caught plague so i'm taking the next few days off work#even tho i n my mother are Clean just to be safe and like#i finished the last of my assignments for the semester so i am FREE OF OBLIGATIONS FOR REAL UNTIL SATURDAY????????#BRO I HAVEN'T HAD DAYS COMPLETELY OFF LIKE THIS IN FUCKING MONTHS IT'S BEEN EITHER SCHOOL OR WORK ALL THE TIME AAAAA#so it's like. i'm finally free to be an irresponsible creature of capricious whimsy for At Least one whole day again!!!!!!
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I’m getting fanfic ideas like every couple of hours, i have exams, pls god this is torture
#also one of my uni teachers called me if i could help her out and proofread the textbook she is writing#and ofc i said yes because i love her#the nicest fucking teacher ever#and shes already helped me so much#but i also have those exams#but its such an honor that she trusts me with this??#also its a textbook for a subject ill have to take the next semester so yay free textbook#but i may have girlbossed a little too close to the sun
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vent
#vent#don't think i have seasonal depression but i hate the end of the school year being during spring#because then i have to think about the fact that i'm not even close to graduating#it took me 3 years to finish core classes because i kept failing and having to retake some due to procrastination that i feel is controllab#le but probably isn't and i think i have an underlying issue but i don't have a diagnosis. and i don't think i'm getting one anytime soon#because my sister is going to college next school year and our family is going to be short on spending money#and i feel guilty that it feels like im wasting my parent's money#whenever we visit family they always ask when i'm graduating and next year will be my fourth year but i'm not and i feel like a fucking#fool. and yes i see a lot of posts about college positivity and that it's a marathon not a race and that it takes everyone different#amounts of time to graduate but it does nothing if it feels like im wasting it all away over something i can easily control but what if#it's not that easy to control? i need a psychiatrist but the last time i tried to get an appointment they put me on a 6 week wait list that#i never heard from besides one call asking if i still wanted to be on it#and i can't go to my previous doctor anymore because i'm 21 now and have to go to the one my parents use#previous doctor told me i seem fine and didn't have anything wrong with me#and i feel like she's right#but this excessive procrastination didn't start until high school and where did everything go so wrong? why can't i complete school work in#a timely manner anymore? i was able to do it just fine in my first semester but ever since i went on a 2 day vacation it's all been downhil#and i can't seem to recreate the success of getting A's and B's that semester again
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can't talk to my favorite business boy without it being embarrassingly obvious how fond of him I am
#considering changing my schedule to take finance with him next semester bc im fucking stupid.#its a required class i have to take it either way... might as well.........#i am so fond of him and i think it is so obvious to everyone around me.#this is the one and the same business boy i complained about incessantly at the beginning of the semester#the opposite of love isnt hate its indifference......#hes very nice to me now we get along quite swimmingly probably the best in the group#my posts
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