#and their sourdough starter was actually quite helpful

[p0orbaby]

The Dog House

summary: leah misses date night, she tries to make it up to you

warnings: leah being leah i guess…

a/n: based off this request !

word count: 1.2k

-

Leah’s been distracted lately. It’s not that you’re not important to her—you are—but there’s a lot going on. Training, media obligations, a sudden obsession with learning to bake sourdough bread for reasons you don’t quite understand. And her house is full of these massive jars of starter that she’s named things like “Gertrude” and “Stephen” and “Samantha.” Stephen’s the strongest one, apparently. Not that you care.

You’re trying to be supportive. Really, you are. But it’s getting weird.

So when you text her a gentle reminder about date night, you’re half-expecting a response that sounds like it’s written by one of those clunky bots—like, “Of course, darling! Can’t wait to see you tonight! ❤️❤️❤️” That’s what she’d usually do. Instead, you get nothing.

Hours pass. You start to get annoyed. Then you get anxious. Then you start wondering if maybe Leah’s planning some big surprise and that’s why she’s not responding. You imagine her secretly arranging a rooftop dinner with fairy lights and a string quartet, where she’ll confess she’s been so preoccupied because she’s actually writing a book about how incredible you are.

But then you come back to reality and grasp she probably just forgot.

By 7 PM, you’re pacing around the flat, wearing the outfit you picked out two days ago—a dress you specifically bought because Leah said you looked “so fucking sexy” in red, even though it’s so tight you can’t even breathe properly. Your makeup is perfect, your hair is styled, and you’re sitting on the couch, stewing in a potent cocktail of Chanel No. 5 and disappointment.

Finally, you text her again.

> Hey, you on your way?

Nothing.

Ten minutes later, still nothing.

By 8 PM, you’re starting to wonder what the protocol is for someone forgetting a date night. Do you call? Do you show up to their house with a “We need to talk” face? Do you… dump them? No, that’s too extreme, even though it would make a great story for your friends.

Finally, at 8:13, your phone buzzes.

> Shit. Be there in 20. Promise. Don’t hate me

You almost laugh, except you’re too irritated to find anything funny right now. Twenty minutes? Twenty minutes is nothing. She probably still smells like whatever alien protein shakes she drinks after training, which you pretend to like but secretly think taste like a mix of chalk and regret.

But you wait. Because you love her. Or because you’re a sucker. Or both.

Leah arrives at 8:42, disheveled and clearly not sorry enough. She’s holding a Tesco bag, which is never a good sign. Tesco bags mean last-minute attempts at forgiveness, and you don’t care how cute she looks in her sweats.

Okay, you care a little, but still.

“I’m so sorry,” she says as she bursts through the door, dropping the bag for life onto the floor like she’s just run a marathon. “I lost track of time”

You cross your arms and give her a look. The kind of look that says, Really?

“I know, I know,” she continues, talking at a speed that suggests she’s trying to cram a day’s worth of apologies into the next thirty seconds. “I’ve been so caught up with—”

“—Stephen?”

Leah blinks. “Stephen?”

“Your sourdough. Stephen”

“Oh. Right.” Leah runs a hand through her hair, which only makes it messier. “I might’ve forgotten to feed him, too”

“I’m sure he’s devastated,” you say, deadpan.

“I’m devastated,” Leah says, doing her best impression of someone who’s sincerely regretful. She takes a step closer, giving you that puppy-dog look that normally melts you but tonight just feels like she’s trying to disarm a bomb. “But I have a plan”

You raise an eyebrow. “A plan?”

“Yeah. A plan to make it up to you.” She’s bouncing on the balls of her feet like she’s about to reveal a new Tesla or something.

You stare at her, unimpressed. “Does it involve anything that’s not in that bag?”

She laughs, and you can’t help but soften a little. She’s got this laugh that makes you feel like everything is going to be okay, even when she’s screwed up royally.

“Come on,” she says, grabbing the bag and heading to the kitchen. “Trust me. You’ll love it”

You don’t follow her immediately. You want to see how this plays out before you commit to pretending everything is okay. So you stand there in the doorway, watching as she pulls out ingredients that don’t really go together.

“Leah, what exactly are you planning to do with pickles, chocolate syrup, and a single red onion?”

She grins at you like she’s just cracked the code to the universe. “It’s a surprise”

“I’m surprised you even made it here alive if that’s what you’ve been eating lately”

Leah’s grin doesn’t waver. She’s on a mission now, and there’s no stopping her. “Look, just sit down. I’ve got this”

You sit, but mostly because your feet hurt in the heels you’re wearing and the sofa is closer than the bedroom. Leah’s bustling around the kitchen, and you can’t tell if she’s actually cooking or just making noise to buy herself more time.

Minutes later, she emerges with a tray. The tray has candles on it, which is at least a step in the right direction. Then you see what she’s made.

Two plates of what can only be described as… nachos. But they’re not nachos. They’re a weird interpretation of nachos where the tortilla chips have been replaced with some kind of protein bar, the cheese is… okay, there’s no cheese, and the toppings are just random things she found in your fridge.

She sets the tray down in front of you with the pride of a five-star chef presenting their signature dish.

“Voilà!” she announces, beaming.

You stare at the concoction in front of you, then back at her. “Leah, what the hell is this?”

“It’s my way of saying sorry”

You look at her, then at the nachos again. “You could’ve just said ‘I’m sorry’ like a normal person”

“But this is better,” she insists, her enthusiasm unwavering. “It’s like, an experience”

“Yeah, I’m experiencing regret,” you say, eyeing the “nachos” with suspicion.

Leah laughs again, this time a little sheepishly. “Okay, so maybe the food’s not great. But it’s the thought that counts, right?”

“You’re seriously expecting me to eat this?” you ask, poking at one of the protein bars with your fork like it might bite back.

Leah’s face falls just a little, and suddenly, you realise that she’s actually trying. She’s terrible at this—so, so terrible—but she’s trying.

And that’s why you love her.

“Fine,” you say with a sigh. “But if I get food poisoning, you’re sleeping on the couch”

She grins, leaning in to kiss you on the cheek. “Deal”

You end up eating the nachos. They’re awful, but Leah’s so happy you’re eating them that you can’t help but smile. She’s sitting there, watching you like you’re the most fascinating thing in the world, and you can’t help but remember that this is her way of showing she cares.

After dinner, she pulls out a bottle of wine—an actual, normal bottle of wine—and the two of you sit on the sofa, talking and laughing until you’re both too tired to keep your eyes open.

She falls asleep first, her head on your shoulder, snoring softly. You’re still a little annoyed at her, but you know she’ll make it up to you in other ways. And tomorrow, you’ll probably laugh about this whole thing.

[askyves]

Prince Yves,

Thank you so much for this blog - I'm really enjoying reading it.

I've been baking bread and sweets for a few years now, with mixed success (happy to note that I actually managed a pie crust last year). I'm about to take the next logical step... grow my own sourdough starter.

Any words of advice? I'm a bit nervous about it. It seems like such a delicate process.

Thank you in advance, Your Highness.

Hello, there.

I'm so grateful to hear you've been enjoying my blog. I'm glad I can bring happiness to someone in any kind of way.

Congratulations on the pie crust, those can be quite difficult to work with. Especially without modern refrigeration.

(What's that?)

(... I have no idea, Licht. What did I just say?)

A-anyway. Don't be too scared. A sourdough starter is actually a very hardy thing once it's grown a decent size! Sometimes I forget to feed mine for weeks at a time, and it's just fine!

But, please make sure to feed yours regularly ^^;

My words of advice are:

Make sure your water is pure. Either spring water or distilled water. Any chlorine or other unwanted minerals can kill your starter.

(What's chlorine?)

(I don't know!! Now please get out of the kitchen before you start a fire, Licht. I'll start on your darioles soon.)

Also, use either bread flour or all purpose flour to begin with. You can phase it out for some other type of flour when it's matured. It's easiest to see the consistency and reactions when using the flours I recommended above.

Lastly, be careful of the water temperature. Lukewarm water will give you best results in the starting stages. Room temperature water will work fine when it is mature. Do NOT use hot water, it will kill everything.

As for general maintenance, I feed my starter once every two weeks or so. Make sure to discard some starter if you haven't used any, otherwise you might end up with an overflowing mess.

When you store it, it NEEDS to be in a container that is not airtight. It will shatter from the escaping gas otherwise. I use a jar with a wire clamped lid. If you remove the rubber gasket, it won't be airtight.

(What's-)

(LEON I SWEAR-)

You can also simply place the lid of a jar over the top.

And although it's not necessary, I recommend getting a Danish dough whisk.

...

No one this time? Good.

Anyway, it's quite helpful for mixing the started thoroughly when you feed it, and nothing will get stuck inside.

Oh, one more thing. Do you have a scale? If not, get one. Non negotiable. Your starter must be fed equal amounts of water and flour by weight once it has matured.

I think that's everything! Let me know if you have any questions.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go lie down. All this breaking the 4th wall has got me very tired.

-Yves Kloss

[mothgodofchaos]

Biscuits

When I was making my list of prompts, I looked at "making bread" and immediately thought it'd be fucking hilarious if we make everyone's favorite cat boy start "making biscuits" while trying to bake with you.

Marvin the Magnificent x GN!Reader, TW: none Words: 636

The cold day just makes you want something warm, and your mind immediately goes to some homemade bread. You love the idea of making your house smell warm and cozy, so you fire your oven and begin pulling out all the ingredients. In your shelves of many strange jarred items in your pantry on the behalf of your magical partner, you find a sourdough starter that you’ve been keeping fed since the beginning of the pandemic. It’s a bit full, so you’re rather excited to get to use some of it. 

Marvin hears clattering in the kitchen, sauntering in to investigate.

“What are ye doin’ in here? Committin’ crimes?”

“Just making bread, a stór.”

You glance up at him, seeing his pupils expand as he bends down to peer over the counter at what you’re doing. Which is an interesting sight considering how tall and lanky he is.

“Need help?”

“Something tells me that even if I don’t need help, you still want to.”

“Correct.”

You sigh, making a second batch to be made into a batch of rolls in addition to the loaves you’re prepping. The bowl is slid over to Marvin once he has his hair pinned up with his wand hair sticks, rolling up his sleeves.

“I hope you know if your cat instincts start taking over, I’m taking a video and sending it to your brothers.”

“Mo ghrá! Don’t betray me like t’at!” 

“They’re not allowed to know that their brother still knows how to make biscuits?”

“Anti’ll get it printed on a sweatshirt fer Christmas…”

“I mean… I’ll wear that if he does if you won’t.”

Marvin glares at you, working the bread dough together with his hands instead of using a dough scraper like you. You keep glancing at his eyes, seeing his pupils expand as he tries to exercise self restraint in an effort to keep you from getting blackmail to send to his brothers. When you set yours off to the side to proof, you have to “pspsps” a little to get his attention to set his aside with you.

“I’m not a cat.”

“That is factually incorrect, I hope you know that. Get back to me on that when you no longer transmogrify into a cute fluffy white cat.”

“I’m gonna put catnip in yer tea.”

“Oh no… how ever could that backfire on you…”

He flicks your nose, escaping off to his study while you set a timer for the bread to proof. You pop your head in when it goes off, grinning when you find him basking in the sun on the windowsill. He’s curled up, asleep and purring loud. You move quietly, not wanting to disturb him quite yet and risk getting cat claws to the face. The couch next to the window creaks quietly as you sit down, reaching over to pet over his white fur. Marvin stretches out, yawning as he slowly awakes from his nap.

“It’s biscuit time now, love.”

He mrows at you, hopping down onto the floor as he shifts back. It takes a few blinks before he’s awake enough, stretching out his back again with a crack.

“Alright, let’s make some fuckin’ biscuits…”

You can’t help but laugh at his very determined tone of voice, leading him back to the kitchen in his half-sleepy state. He takes great intrigue in working the dough into rolls, yawning between dropping them into the pan. Once the pan is filled, you help him get the dough out from between his fingers and get him back to the couch, letting him go back to sleep. Did get a little clip of him getting into it a little too hard, and find him curled up on your sweatshirt when the bread is in the oven.

Maybe next time you’ll make some actual biscuits.

[sorceressoflight]

Hey Miss Light, how is Shang Tsung doing over there so far? :)

He’s doing much better, thankfully! I’ve been doing my best to keep him occupied so that his mind doesn’t wander off too much. He’s also quite enthusiastic to help in the kitchen… but I think he sees it more as a place to experiment than actually cook.

Though I must say, he has taken quite a liking to my sourdough starter!

[panthera-tigris-venenata]

Some books I read lately:

I don't read as much as I used to, so enjoy this selection

Babel

Such a good book. Such an experience.

I've seen people voice an opinion that they couldn't relate to the protagonist, but I can't agree. My school is trying to kill me (figuratively) too.

Still, it was weird seeing myself the most as the story's antagonist. Made me think.

Likewise, it was weird reading book that had the quote of "the act of translation is an act of violence" in translation, but I think I did the right choice. The text is a bit dense and I wouldn't have enjoyed it nearly as much in english.

The book itself is dark academia, but not as in "vaguely gothic surrounding & really hot academic rival," but as in "your school made you who you are today and destroyed you in the process; it's using you for your language and your heritage and it won't stop taking and you should be grateful, everything is so much better now, isn't it?"

Every Exquisite Thing

A modern day take on Dorian Gray. I've been thinking about getting this book for quite some time, and I'm so glad I did.

It's about teenage girls in the age of social media, which makes it about a thousand percent more reletable than Dorian "I own ten editions of the same book in different colours so it matches my outfit and judge people for expressing basic human emotions, oh woe is me" Gray.

...yeah I wanna punch him <3

Anyway. The book has great Aesthetic and themes.

Acting school and "one must siffer for beauty" and fur coats and parent-child relationship and a thing that fits my extremely specific definition of hate sex. (Yeah, they're lesbians. It's Dorian Gray retelling)

Mexican Gothic

A great horror story from the first half of last century. (So, obviously, great Aesthetic)

The thing that gets the main heroine in trouble is familiar love and there's nothing she could have done differently.

She's also like, "My future partner must be of the highest standards", and then she sees the wet cat personified youngest son of the family her cousin married into (he's actually very sweet, tried to help her), and goes: "... actually nevermind, I want that one"

(...yeah, nothing bonds two people together as a bit of arson)

The Villain-thing is simultaneously a cult and fungi.

Fungi scares me normally, so this works.

The Thousand Floor series

Yeah it's not my first time reading this, but I adore this series.

It's set in future, which is mostly used for extra bling, and one boy has an illegal home-made Quantum computer in his brain. He uses this solely to flirt with girls better.

There's murder and excelent relationships drama.

Relationships drama as in "I accidentally killed one of my best friends in drug-induced mania cos I thought she was having an affair with my dad but she was actually my step-sister and now I'm blackmailing three people over this and fuck, one of them is kinda hot".

(once again, fits my extremely specific definition of hate sex)

There's also a con artist<3

Carmilla

Bought this at seven in the evening from a cheap books bookstore, but, c'mon. Lesbian vampires.

Mona's guide to defensive baking

This was such a cute read, it feels like a really inovative fairytale. Another book from the author, Nettle and Bone, feels the same.

It's about kids and there's magic and corrupt goverment and the animal sidekick is a sourdough starter <3

House of Hunger

More lesbian vampires, yay!

And probably my favourite read in very long time. I didn't plan to buy it, but I read a random excerp at the bookstore and the book gripped me in such a way I bought it. And read it in two days.

There's not a lot of explicit worldbuilding, but there IS worldbuilding: in the way the air tastes, in how the clothes feel against her skin. (I mean, she gets history lessons but she finds them insanely boring, so we really do not get the worldbuilding beyond bare bones on need to know basis for her)

And the relationships!! The shadow of family, the friendships, the obsession!!

...and as for the love interest/villain, imagine Ianthe Tridentaria and you're free to go. I love her. Both of them.

DNF/Hate reads <3

For when I need to persuade myself that chemistry cannot deal me THAT much psychic damage <3

Crave

By god. Please. It's Twilight but on Alaska and the author ain't mormon so MC is allowed to be horny on main.

We all know this.

So PLEASE, stop mysteriously repeating "Careful, something might bite you here"

The book refuses to tell the heroine there's supernatural shit for 150 pages even though we all know it. From the summary. And the marketing.

...also, there's were-dragons. I don't know what's going on either.

But yeah this was great for reading the most ridiculous passages to my roommate and laughing over it. Very bonding.

Crave 2

No I cannot be bothered to learn the title.

In the first two chapters, girlie has no idea wtf happened (x months long coma & amnesia), like four different people refuse to tell her, and she manages to remind us no less than five times that yes, Jaxon Vega is still hot.

Yes, that spelling is a crime too.

... I'd like to know what does the author have against Prague. That's kinda unrelated but still.

Fourth Wing

Yeah fine it's better written that Crave (the bar is in hell), but this book made me read "I cling to leaf-tipped limbs of the tree" in english version. (The word you're looking for is BRANCH.)

The translator used "branch", which, massive kudos to her, improved readability by like seventy percent by that alone.

Still, the characters talk like therapy (derogatory) and insist on telling worldbuilding in THE most ridiculous ways.

I'd give redeeming points for dragons but I didn't get to them before "leaf-tipped limbs of the tree", so, hard luck ✨

School for Good and Evil

...yeah that's mostly my fault for reading out of intended age group, but.

SIR, that's your STUDENT. STOP. Please.

That said, there's like. A lot of innuendos for a middle grade book.

Rhapsody

If I had a nickel for every YA book that has "an ancient bat-winged fae king" as the love interest, I'd probably be fucking rich.

Also, the MC is a siren and the book is "dark romance". She did NOT claw anyone to death nor drown anyone and I feel like I should be financially compensated for that.

[eddiemunsonappreciationsociety]

MY WORD IS MY BOND

Part Six: Boy, look at you lookin' at me!

As I approach the restaurant I text Eddieto let him know I'm here and his reply is fast:

Head in, tables under my name, see you soon. 

I head inside the dimly lit building, I say Eddie's name to the host and she takes a while to find the name. I find myself fiddling with one of my necklaces nervously. Her green, perfectly lined eyes watch my fingers as they play with the crystal. Her red curls bounce around her face as she grins at me.

"There's no need to be nervous, you look great." she flashes a quick green at me and I respond in kind. "Follow me." 

She leads me through the restaurant,  it has a luxurious gothic feel, all low ceilings and dark velvet couches.  I am walked through the centre of the large room, I feel the warm tingle all over my skin as people watch me, admire me. I feel my confidence grow, my hips swaying as I strut, which in turn makes the tingle grow to prickles and suddenly I feel the familiar heat as I approach a booth in the back. 

Dark eyes meet mine from the dark corner, a cocky smile on that perfect mouth. He smirks even more as he sees my angry face. He slides from where he's sat, his tall, broad frame in skinny trousers, a white shirt and one of his ever-rotating leather jackets. His dark curls are pushed back, slight stubble on his chin and a hoop through his nose. He looks delicious. 

He smiles politely at the waitress, who leaves quickly and then his eyes are fixed on me. He leans forward to kiss my cheek but I feel him stop and pull back quickly.

"Well, maybe not quite ready for that." he grins at me sheepishly.

"Is it a great start, lying to me?" I say, hitting his arm. 

"I actually didn't lie, I was super careful of that." the grin turns cocky once again. 

"Why did you I get you weren't here?" I can't help a little frown on my face as he motions for me to slide into the booth. 

I do as I'm told and sit on the plush cushion. 

"I wanted to see you walk across the room without being conscious of my presence" he shrugs as he takes a seat by me, but about a metre away. I am hyper-aware that it's still the closest we've ever been. I take the time to take in his angular jaw under the stubble, big, crooked nose, and full lips from this close. 

"Are you checking me out?" he smirks at me. 

"I am."

"Me too." he winks at me.

A glass and a menu are placed in front of me by a thin waiter, same with Eddie, and he leaves again quickly. My eyes drop to the menu, picking up the glass and taking a sip. I moan appreciatively, the perfect whisky sour. I feel the heat of his gaze roam over me, and I glance up at him through my lashes. 

"You look gorgeous," he says, voice smooth caramel and gravel all at once. 

His words and gaze make my stomach twist

"You don't look too bad yourself," I say back, but my voice is not as playful as intended. 

"Are you full of questions?" 

"Oh, I have a list on my phone." I smile at him, and his eyes are on me, steady.

"Let's order, and then you can ask away." 

"So, you eat?" 

He raises an eyebrow at me.

"What did I just say?"

I let Eddie order for us, he selects a starter of mushroom parfait and sourdough toast, feta and beetroot parcels with roasted vegetables and tells the waiter we'll decide on a dessert later. As soon as my drink is empty another one is placed down.

"If you want to switch drinks, just let me know." he takes his own drink, also a whisky sour from what I can see and leans back. "Go on then." 

I touch a droplet of condensation that runs down my glass before picking it up. 

"So, you can eat?" I ask, drinking from the glass. 

"I can," he pauses, mirroring my drink before continuing. "I enjoy good food, but it doesn't... nourish me. I can also get drunk and high."

"How old are you?" the next question rolls off my tongue as I try to remember the list that's actually sat in the notes on my phone. 

"I was twenty-three when I turned, but that was back in 1986." he laughs at me. "Upset I'm not an old confederate soldier or it didn't happen during the Spanish influenza?" 

I actually snorted with laughter, which I don't even have time to be embarrassed over. 

"No, I'm glad you're not a hundred years old," I admit. 

"Good, I'd hate to be a disappointing vampire." 

"Do you have fangs that pop out?" 

"No, my canines are a little longer than a human's teeth, sharp, but they don't retract," he says matter-of-factly.

My brain burns with a million questions, but I also feel a slight pang of something - like I am wasting time. 

"If I don't get through all my vampire-related questions this evening, does the offer end? Or can it be extended?" 

I see his eyes sparkle, dancing with delight. 

"You can have as many dates as it takes you to learn all you need." 

"Ok, good to know." I bite at my lip. "What do I smell like?" 

His dark eyes grow darker and I see hesitation. 

"I said any question, didn't I?" he sighs, finishing off his drink, for another to replace it immediately. 

Our starter arrives and it looks absolutely fucking divine. I let him take in the question as I tuck in, picking up a piece of sourdough, smeared with truffle and mushroom parfait and topped with what looks like roasted walnuts. I take a bite and my mouth explodes with the most incredible combination of flavours and textures. My eyes roll back and I let out a guttural noise. 

"You better stop that, right now," he says, voice low, rough. 

I grin at him before taking another bite. 

"Are you going to answer?" I enquire. 

"Yes." he takes a deep breath. "Witches usually have a certain smell... like cinnamon, cloves, earthly."

"Usually?" 

He hesitates again, eyes almost black, smouldering embers. 

"You smell different." he takes another breath, licking his lips. "You smell like rose, vanilla, electricity and magick."

"Electricity and magick?" 

"You smell alive with magick, your scent is just unlike anything I've ever smelt." his eyes never leave mine, pools of midnight. "I felt a draw from you, I smelt and felt you before I even walked into the bar. When I couldn't approach you I was glad, because I was able to try and get used to it." 

We stare at each other for a while. 

"Have I scared you?" he whispers. 

"No," I respond, leaning over and brushing the back of his hand with my fingertips. He inhales sharply. "Just like any other idiot girl with a vampire." 

He grins at me with that goofy grin. 

"What's your favourite film?" 

He raises his eyebrow at the question. 

"Are we moving on to normal questions?" 

"No, I will revisit the vampire stuff, but you said the questions can be extended."

"I did." 

"So..."

"My favourite film is probably Kill Bill. But that might be because I watched it last night, it might change next viewing."

We're stood on the pavement outside the restaurant, we haven't stopped talking for hours and all we've covered is films. He towers over me, well over six feet, shoulders broad. He pulls out a packet of cigarettes and offers me one. 

"No, thank you. I have some of these." I pull out my herbal cigarettes and hold out the box to him. "They don't have tobacco in them, it's lavender and roses and... no weed, stop looking excited." 

He chuckles, taking one off me and we smoke. 

"I have a confession," he says, inhaling the smoke. "This is nice by the way."

"What's your confession?" I urge. 

"I'm really glad you said no to being picked up." he blows out, the scent of lavender and rose surrounding me. "I am glad I wasn't in an enclosed space with you. I'm glad we have  more dates for me to get... used to you." 

We smoke in silence and I think about the weight of what he's saying, but I don't feel scared for some reason. 

"I've ordered you a taxi, it's paid for."

He leans forward, a foot away and I hear him taking shallow breaths. He's so close I can smell him through the smoke. He smells like leather, vanilla and tobacco. 

"You smell like vanilla too." I find myself whispering. 

His breath is now shaky, I move slightly closer.

"I want to kiss you so fucking bad" he murmurs softly.

His big, brown eyes are looking down at me. I'm looking up at him through my lashes and I want him to kiss me too. So fucking bad. 

Suddenly there's a beep from a car pulling up and we jump apart. 

"Saved by the taxi." Eddie laughs. 

(notes: this is a/u - I am just using the character of Eddie, I am not sure if I will even involve Hawkins etc, but we'll see.)

Other parts below:

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Part Four:

Part Five:

[unhingedwomandiaries]

Done something properly dramatic today - deleted my Instagram. DELETED IT. Eight years of my life, 900-odd photos, just... poof. Gone. Like they never existed.

Got proper sick of it, if I'm honest. I mean, who actually needs to see every single time I found a Cherry Coke with Japanese writing on it? Or that ginger cat that lives three doors down who's always giving me the evil eye? (Though that one was quite fit, as cats go.)

And don't even get me started on the baby photos. Christ on a bike, we get it Karen - your offspring has learned to dribble. Alert the media. And all those "isn't my dog just THE CUTEST EVER?" posts. Like, no Sharon, it looks like a mop that's been through a hedge backwards, but whatever helps you sleep at night.

But you know what properly did my head in? The recommended feed. Scrolling through and BAM - something so rank it made me want to bleach my eyeballs. Reported it and everything, thinking Facebook would be like "Oh ta love, we'll sort that right out." But no. Apparently it's all fine and dandy according to their "community standards." What community are they hanging out with exactly?

So that's it. I'm done. No more filtered photos of my tea. No more pretending to care about someone's sourdough starter. No more endless scroll of other people's "living their best life" bollocks.

Feels proper weird though. Like I've just binned eight years of memories. But also... kind of liberating?

Whatever. Think I'll go take a photo of my dinner and then remember I can't post it anywhere.

[quahogchowda-blog]

Update... Omgosh... My whole house smells so good right now... Once the rolls finished rising... I brushed with egg... Sprinkled with more cheese... Added a few extra slices of Jalapenos to each roll... Soooo soft and yummy... I would say this is a success... Not quite spicy enough for me though... Next time I'll use some Habanero's too. But still very good. I really love the crispy cheesy bottoms. I will type up the recipe and add it later... 😍

Recipe added....

1.75 cups warm water

6 T. Whipping cream powder

2 eggs

.5 cup sugar

8 cups white flour

1 cup wheat flour

3 teaspoons yeast

1 1/3 cup sourdough starter

2 teas salt

1 cup butter

Note: I do not pack my flour tight into the cup. Liquid measurements can vary depending upon the thickness of your starter and the actual weight of your flour. But then again this is what makes us rebels. Lol. No scale.

Also: I warm my flour up before use. 1.5 minutes in the microwave... stirring every 30 seconds. Trust me this helps a lot where proof time is concerned. Especially when your house is cold like mine.

Mix all ingredients except the salt and butter. I used KitchenAid. I used the low setting #1 just until most of the flour is incorporated and #2 for approx 8 minutes. Until mixed well and no longer sticking to sides of bowl. Please KNOW that this is a LOT of dough. Borderline toooo much for the KitchenAid. But I always make it work by stopping and pushing dough back down often.

Add salt then mix for another minute or 2.

Add butter and mix until completely incorporated.

Note: The dough will be VERY soft and tacky... but should not be too gooey and too sticky. It should hold its shape a bit when you dump it out of the bowl.

I dump the dough out onto oiled counter and cut in half.

Knead each half briefly just to form into nice balls. Place each into an oiled bowl. Cover and let rest 1 hour or until doubled.

Roll into logs and place in loaf pans. I used 1 extra large 1000 gram pan. But this would make 2 - 1000 gram loaves or 4 regular sized loaves without a problem. Allow to rise again until at least doubled. This took about 50 minutes.

Score top if you choose. I did one long slit down the center.

Preheat oven to 425°. Place loaf pan in oven. Immediately turn heat down to 375° I baked this one large loaf for 46 minutes. I am not quite sure how long it would take to cook a regular size loaf.

I baked until bread registered 206°.

Note: if you do not have whipping cream powder or powdered milk replace the water using whatever milk you have. Whether it's cow milk... goat milk etc... 😍

For the Jalapeno Cheese rolls...

I used 1/2 of this batch of dough... Patted it into a rough rectangle shape approximately a half an inch thick. Divided into 12 pieces... Sprinkled liberally with jalapeno chunks and shredded cheese. I used three large deseeded jalapenos... but I have no idea the amount of cheese. Formed into balls. Placed on parchment covered baking sheet equally spaced. Let rise for at least an hour. Was probably a bit longer because I had my loaf of bread baking and I had to wait for that to be done. Brushed with scrambled raw egg. Sprinkled with more cheese and added a few slices of Jalapenos on top. Baked at 350° for approx 35 minutes. Final temp of baked roll was 208°.

[theforumcat]

Hi! How would you make uvhao? Also how do you make “bacon hash” which was heavily inspired by lechon sisig (with ginger vinegar and salt-preserved lemon rather than actual citrus juice)? Also-also how. do you make crusty sourdough bread heels?

Hmmm, uvhao would be pretty easy. You’ll need a whole jar of bacon grease or bacon grease and lard mixture (bacon grease is just briny smoked lard), and many heads of garlic. I would do an aggressive kind, like bogatyr or that one from the Wisconsin Amish. You’ll be roasting it, which will melt down the flavour some. Cut the necks off the garlic and dress them in melted butter, then into an oven until they get squishy. Baste every so often with the butter. Pour the butter into the pig fat through a fine strainer (in case of garlic papers) and then squish the head of garlic so the cloves squeeze out like toothpaste. Put the roasted garlic into the pigs fat at a ratio of about 1 part garlic to 2 parts fat, and then dress it up with some pepper and nutmeg. As it sets, maybe roll it into a festive little log for easier cracker access.

Hmm, I’ll have to get back to you because my Aldish ginger isn’t quite like our ginger. But also, lechon sisig is yummy and you should make that. There are many good recipes online.

@ludux how do you make bread

Whatever Lu says, use it to make sourdough bread (look up how to make sourdough starter it’s a whole lifestyle and I am not cut out for it so I can’t help you) and make big long loaves and cut off the last six inches of them and cram yummy things inside

[starstuffandalotofcoffee]

where’s that post that says wow the Buzzfeed Tasty editors clearly hate food because they’re right

[the---hermit]

28|10|2022

I have been thinking about this for a while, I wanted to wait until after my gradutation, but there's no point in it. You might know I really like baking, especially bread, but I have never tried making sourdough bread. Since it's been a while since I took some time to bake, I decided to learn this new thing, which hopefully will also help me with being more mindful. Baking sourdough bread is a slow process that takes a lot of time and I feel like it could be a good fit for myself. Baking is very relaing to me and I am really excited to try. Since I know no one who has a starter I decided to make it myself, so I'll have to work on that and wait at least ten days before I can actually bake bread, but I am excited nonetheless. Autumn and winter are the perfect season to get back into baking, and I cannot wait. I feel like after my gradutation I'll focus on taking back a lot of hobbies I left behind because I was either too tired or busy.

Productivity and self care things of today (I am doing a big list cause several things could have been on both lists):

read first thing in the morning

practiced my thesis presentation

day one of making my sourdough starter

created some new spreads in my bullet journal

did a big organization of things I'll have to do in these next couple of weeks cause I am busy but I can't remember a single thing

started re-listening to The Magnus Archives (a new series has been announced and since lately I have quite a bit of free time and haven't picked a new audiobook yet it feels like the perfect thing to do)

did some sudoku puzzles as I listened to the podcast

practiced Irish on duoligo

Spent the afternoon with a friend

I'll be meeting another friend tonight

Tranquil's studying challenge // day 15

What can you de-clutter physically or emotionally to find more ease and simplicity?

I want to do a decluttering of things in my closet, I don't think there's a lot, but I like to do it quite regularly to see if there's stuff I don't really wear anymore that I can pass down to someone or if there's stuff that is way too worn out, but I'll do that after my graduation. Emotionally there's a lot of decluttering I should do. In the years I have become better and better but there's some recent emotions that I haven't fully worked out that have been tiring me mentally. I want to get back into journaling more regularly, but lately I haven't been bothered. I should give myself more strucured goals.

[writingwithcolor]

Gingerbread man as golem

@yaronata asked:

I would like to write a character who is Jewish and uses a Golem. She's based on the D&D class of the artificer which looks magic but isn't, because they produce all their effects with inventions, like the "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" quote. Her story is that her very Jewish town was under attack from a terrible monster when she was little. Her Rabbis made a Golem to protect the town, and it succeeded but was torn to pieces in the process. She was fascinated by the Golem and as a kid didn't see a big difference between it's sentience and person's so was really thankful for its sacrifice like you would a person's sacrificing their life for you. They thought all the pieces had been devoured by the monster before it died, but she went looking and found the piece used to animate the Golem, which she, kinda misunderstanding called its "heart". She kept the piece and grew up to be an incredibly skilled cook, specialising as a baker in the town. I imagine she would make a lot of really good food for the Jewish holidays, or to break fasts on ones like Yom Kippur or Tish'abav. But she also made a town specific holiday to honour the Golem's sacrifice and the town still being alive, because I feel "we are not dead woo" is a big theme for Jewish holidays from my research, so it could fit, for which she invented ginger bread men to be the golem, and gave them little "hearts" of fruit or honey, and you're meant to eat them limb by limb like the beast did before eating the heart. This would be the inspiration for using the "heart" piece later to make her own giant gingerbread Golem to help her save the world.

These are my questions 1) would it be considered bad or disrespectful for someone who isn't a Rabbi to make a Golem, or is this method of taking an animating piece someone else made disrespectful? 2) Her journey will take her far from her town and her Jewish family and friends and she will likely travel with gentiles. Would it be disrespectful for a Golem to be used to protect a lot of gentiles and one Jew in the course of saving the world? I don't want to fall into the stereotype of someone putting all their effort into valuing and protecting very specifically the group that in real life is oppressive to them. 3) While she is not using magic and is actually mimicking its effects with technology she invents, is this drawing too close to the line of "magical Jew"? 4) I like to "play test" my characters in ttrpgs to really get a feel for them before I write. Would it be disrespectful to play a Jewish character when I am a gentile, and would it be disrespectful to play a Jewish character in a setting where there are demonstrably real gods other than the one of Judaism?

I really like this character idea and I think it's cute and fun and rooted in Jewish culture but I really want to make sure it's respectful and as good as I, a gentile researching on the internet, thinks it is. Thanks so much! Have a nice day!

My answer to this is very complicated because there are things I both like and do not like about this premise. First of all, I love the idea of a cookie golem, and I'm even imagining the magic word that brings him to life (EMET/truth) would be written in icing. And I'm okay with the part about how she found a piece of the old golem and used it to build a new golem, because that makes sense for a golem made from a baked good when you think about how people use sourdough starter to make a new batch of sourdough.

However, here are the thing that make me cock my head to the side like my little sister's German shepherd:

1. re: "magical Jew" - that's not a trope I've ever heard of. Remember, marginalized groups don't receive identical disrespect across the board. It is indeed a trope to use Black people or disabled people as supernatural plot devices who exist only to further the stories of white main characters or able-bodied main characters. But I can't say as I've ever seen anyone using Jewishness that way. Usually if we are someone's one-dimensional plot device it's as someone's lawyer, fixer, "money guy", etc, not a supernatural force. So this isn't something you have to worry about.

2. I have a certain level of discomfort with you playing as a Jewish character just because playacting as a marginalized culture you're not part of strikes me as off, but I understand that that's how you gain insight into a character you're about to write so it's more of a writing exercise than anything else. (I wonder if D&D regulars from marginalized groups have written about this -- I've only played a few times casually with family so if I did run into this type of discussion in my social justice reading I wouldn't have absorbed it. If anyone is curious I played first as Captain Werewolf, and then switched to playing as Cinnamon Blade because lawful good was too hard. :P )

3. I would prefer you omit the detail about eating the cookies piece by piece symbolically, for two reasons: a. it unintentionally evokes Communion by having appreciative people consume a baked good symbolic of an entity who sacrificed his life for theirs, and b. focusing on the details of flesh consumption reminds me too much of Blood Libel (yes, a gingerbread man is in the shape of a person but how many of us actually think about it literally, the way this act would cause?)

As to your first question: I'm fine with her making a golem even though she's just a rando. Second question: I see what you're saying and maybe it could be more okay if it's really clear how well these gentile folks are treating her? And questions three and four are answered above.

I really do love the idea of a giant gingerbread man golem. Cookie golem T_T <3

--Shira

I would like to second Shira’s point about not ripping apart the gingerbread cookies. I honestly would prefer they were used as decoration, and other cookies eaten instead, since that part just feels so not-Jewish to me, but I don’t have golem-specific issues other than that. It seems like you have already been doing a lot of research, which is appreciated.

As far as the ttrpg/DnD aspect… I bounce back and forth on the topic of playing characters that are so very different from our experiences, other than in fantasy-related ways. However, I am aware that a lot of people will play with, and experiment with gender in game, and learn something about themselves in the process (the number of trans players of ttrpgs who tried out their gender in game before they were out is high). It’s different with Judaism, and even more significantly different when it comes to things you can’t convert into, like various actual, real-world races. But because people do sometimes experience growth from experiences like this, I’m hesitant to dissuade players completely. I do urge you to, at a minimum, bring the same care, research, and willingness to learn, that you brought to this question.

--Dierdra

This sounds like a creative storyline that you could have lots of fun with 😊

At first I was confused by this part:

She also made a town specific holiday to honour the Golem's sacrifice

But then you really got me thinking about different types of Jewish holidays and how they come about, so thank you for that!

Because it’s often the little details that either make a story super powerful or kind of nonsensical, I think it would be a good idea to decide what type of holiday is being created here:

A full-blown chag with restrictions on labour and halachic obligations? These are commanded in Torah and new ones can’t be added.

A minor yom tov with halachic obligations but no restrictions? These were instituted by the rabbis prior to the destruction of the Temple, so again new ones can’t be added.

A public holiday or equivalent? This would usually be declared by the Knesset in Israel, and filter to the rest of the Jewish world from there.

A community-based yom tov with specific customs only for people in the know, such as certain Chasidic groups celebrating the birthdays of their deceased leaders? I asked around, but no one can really tell me how these holidays get started, which is probably a good indication that they arise quite organically from a group of people who all just feel that it should be celebrated. Probably not created by a single person, as such.

Something she runs from her bakery, not religion-based, but more like a day of doing special products and deals the way many small businesses do on their anniversary?

Now, if the people of a modern-day town were actually saved by a real live Golem, that would arguably be the most overt miracle for many generations, so there would be a decent chance of options 3 and/or 4 happening. It’s entirely plausible that there could be special foods for this day that become a tradition, including Golem cookies. People who directly benefited might also return to the site where the Golem fought the monster and recite the prayer, ‘Blessed is Hashem, Master of the Universe, Who performed a miracle for me in this place.’

Alternatively, if it’s important that your MC created the holiday, something like option 5 might be the best. Hopefully this will still fulfil what you need: you describe her as incredibly skilled, so I can imagine the day when she goes all out on the Golem cookies being one of the most exciting events of the year for the townspeople, just because her baking is that good. Plus, they already have a personal stake in the Golem’s sacrifice, so I definitely think it could be a thing without being an official holiday. Also, if she is outside of an all-Jewish environment, don’t forget that she would have to decide whether to commemorate the anniversary in the Hebrew calendar or the local one.

Coming back to the cookies, sorry if we’re getting a little repetitive on this point! But I don’t see the cookies being torn limb from limb as part of a celebration. First of all, this doesn’t sound like a very celebratory thing to do, to say the least. Can you imagine explaining that to a three-year-old on their first Yom HaGolem? They would be terrified! (I don’t read this suggestion as accidental anti-Semitism so much as getting carried away with a metaphor, which I’m sure as writers we have all done!)

But also, it’s worth pointing out that our commemorative foods aren’t usually that literal. If you think about hamantaschen, maror, or apple in honey, they’re all symbols. That’s not to say that having Golem-shaped cookies is a problem, as this sounds like just a bit of fun that the MC is having and not something that is directly at odds with Judaism or Jewish culture. But it’s worth bearing in mind that the more literal you go from there in terms of tying the cookies to the event they commemorate, the less culturally aligned your holiday food becomes.

Finally, about the Golem protecting non-Jewish people: I like this idea! There’s a stereotype that we only use whatever is at our disposal to help ourselves and other Jewish people, so a Golem being created by Jews but helping others as well is a big plus for me. Of course, as has already been pointed out, this would be an odd choice if her Saving The World team were anti-Semitic or otherwise disrespectful to her/her community, but I don’t think you were headed that way!

-Shoshi

I have to come back in here just to squee over the phrase “Yom HaGolem.” Well done :D

--Shira

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: AND JUST LIKE THAT...

2022 already feels like the apocalypse but I guess we’re not fully there since only 3/4 horsewomen are present in this Sex And The City reboot.  A true congratulations should be extended to Mannequin4EVER Kim Cattrall for successfully avoiding this mess and the rest of us who decided to watch it should honestly question our sanity. I decided to watch (and somehow kept watching!) because the garbage fires of real life feel not quite as bad whilst hate watching this absolute train wreck. 

I have never been a huge SATC devotee though I watched the first series fairly regularly and absolutely hated the first movie enough to not watch the second. Both the series and films have been exercises in tone-deaf escapism and this reboot is basically that x1000. The biggest cringe factor comes in the form of failed NY governor Cynthia Nixon - both in characterization and WIG. Since she has the only consistent wig in the series, I will be grading each episode on CRINGIA NIXONS. Spoilers ahead, if you give a shit? Let’s discuss!

EPISODE 1

CRINGIA NIXONS: 6/10

I think the biggest issue with this show is how it feels the need to OVEREXPLAIN EVERYTHING. We begin now, but not quite - the pandemic happened but is a distant memory (LOLOL sobbing) so they can get in a bunch of sourdough starter jokes without having to wear masks? They also spend about 20 minutes at least explaining away Kim Cattrall which was truly not necessary but I guess she’s in London now and sayonara why are we still talking about her (ALSO OMG I MISS HER THIS SHOW IS SO BORING WITHOUT SAMANTHA). 

Another thing that is dwelled upon for at least 15 minutes in this episode (and then days and days and days on the internet) is the fact that Miranda had the goddamned audacity to go grey! CHARLOTTE IS SO UPSET YOU GUYS. Cynthia Nixon was always a blonde forced into the world of redheads and now is actually closer to her real hue and seriously - who gives a shit? (CHARLOTTE AND THE INTERNET REALLY GIVE A SHIT). This appears to be Nixon’s actual hair and meh? Her red dye jobs of the past were much worse!

However, the main CRINGEWORTHY part of this episode is Miranda’s trip to college! Girlfriend is going back to school (MAZEL!) but not without offending her African-American professor, the entire class, and all our collective sensibilities! SO AWKWARD.

Also apparently Miranda is an alcoholic now which is only vaguely hinted in this episode when she tries to get a 10am drink pre-class and then later brings purse wine to a child’s piano recital. In comparison to all this CRINGE, her hair honestly looks fine. 

ALSO the only thing this show has successfully done is predicted the #metoo-ing of Chris Noth and rightfully killed Big off. GOOD RIDDANCE and truly I have never cry-laughed so hard as the end of this episode which I guess is the ending of Titanic of our time (like Jack, Big could have lived but whatever!). 

EPISODE 2

CRINGIA NIXONS: 3/10

The first thing Carrie does after FINALLY calling 911 after Big dies is: calling Miranda. Of course, Miranda hightails it over there to comfort her friend and spoon with her on her bed and honestly: it is very nice!!!

Not nice: in this episode; they decided to give Cynthia a.....semi perm? Clearly no one knew what to do with this hair but sorta curling it DOES NOT HELP! Oh and there is a very cringeworthy scene on a subway platform where she tries to bond with the professor she offended and a FIST BUMP HAPPENS AND BARF.

Then we get even more curly for Big’s funeral! WHY DID ANYONE OK THIS HAIR? Anyway, Miranda delivers a very nice eulogy which is later revealed to be written by Carrie but not delivered by her so I guess it was a nice friendship gesture? Also: Miranda definitely tried to get a 10am cocktail AGAIN and I see where this is going....yikes.

VERY YIKES: Miranda goes “Rambo” (UGH I HATE THIS REFERENCE) on Sara Ramirez for giving pot to her teenage son and then pulls a total 180 when she discovers Sara is Carrie’s boss. I ALSO SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING AND NO THANKS.

EPISODE 3

CRINGIA NIXONS: 6/10

Things begin...ok (???) at the reading of Big’s will which involves a SHOCKER that he left money to his first wife Natasha who I definitely forgot existed. However, Cynthia’s hair is looking just fine here and let’s keep it that way?

Eeek I dunno guys....this is not looking promising. Not only is Miranda wearing a leather backpack AND a leather purse but Carrie walked to Columbia IN HEELS just so there could be an awkward joke about how these two are the only 50-somethings on college steps. OLD PEOPLE GO TO COLLEGE. WHAT.

AND THEN!!!! The whole group goes to see Sara Ramirez’s “comedy” set and don’t stay for the afterparty but MIRANDA DOES!!! WHY?!! Well: alcoholism, definitely. But lesbianism, maybe? THIS HAIR AND THIS ENTIRE PLOTLINE IS VERY TROUBLING AND VERY CRINGY!

EPISODE 4

CRINGIA NIXONS: 9/10

AND HERE WE ARE. I don’t know what huge tectonic shift of the universe brought us to this moment but this was the episode where Cynthia Nixon was like FUCK IT I’LL JUST WEAR A WIG AND NO ONE WILL NOTICE. 

NOPE.

Beyond the fact that this wig is TERRIBLE....it looks nothing like the hair she had just one episode before! Gone are the blonde and red highlights! Present is the much fuller bob and complete lack of skin under the hair part.

THIS WIG IS SO OBVIOUS AND BASIC AND TERRIBLE AND CRINGY THAT IT ACTUALLY SERVES AS A PERFECT METAPHOR FOR THIS ENTIRE SHOW!!!!!

This wig goes to restaurants a few times in this episode but the truly most mind-bending and cringy assault on our senses and sensibilities is this scene in which MIRANDA GOES TO DINNER WITH HER PROFESSOR?!?! NEVER EVER EVER WOULD THIS HAPPEN!!!

And they wait 45 minutes because their reservation got messed up and no other restaurants exist!

And! They discuss IVF and if anyone in the world actually wants to be a parent (which is honestly valid but never would Miranda AND HER PROFESSOR have this conversation in actual real life). 

AND! THIS! WIG!

EPISODE 5

CRINGIA NIXONS: 11/10

OMG YOU GUYS THIS EPISODE. I’m going to begin with the least cringy part (which is still very cringy): Miranda owns an Amazon box opening caftan and then later uses the phrase “she Amazoned me” which is a sentence NO ONE SHOULD USE EVER. Also apparently Miranda’s son’s girlfriend SENDS SHIT TO MIRANDA’S HOUSE? WHAT? This show really has no concept of anything but especially not real estate because Carrie owns 2 apartments and just sold her palace with Big and conveniently moved back into her OG apt that was just sitting around being expensive real estate that no one lived in?!?!

Anyway this apartment allows us to suddenly realize that Carrie has a hip issue (YES THIS EPISODE IS CALLED TRAGICALLY HIP AND I WANNA BARF TOO). Carrie’s new real estate agent/BFF gets her a hip consult ASAP and I guess neither heels nor age have anything to do with this physical malady: just a congenital hip issue that didn’t come up til now - let’s rush her to surgery!

5 minutes later in the recovery room, MIRANDA’S WIG LOOKS LIKE THIS and is THRILLED to hear from her new crush, Sara Ramirez, who Carrie doesn’t want to see post op bc DUH THAT’S HER BOSS so Miranda turns it into a HOSPITAL LUNCH DATE?!?! UGH THE CRINGE!

IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE! Back at Carrie’s OG apartment, Carrie just shared a very TMI story on her VERY STUPID PODCAST that involved Samantha and Charlotte is worried that Kim Cattrall will give a shit. This results in a text conversation with Samantha that is the ONLY BEARABLE PART OF THIS ENTIRE SHOW. EVEN KIM CATTRALL IN GHOST TEXT FORM IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ACTUALLY PRESENT.

ANYWAY! Carrie is still not very mobile post-op and her friends are taking turns helping her get to the bathroom and Miranda is currently in charge. Carrie is passed out on muscle relaxers and who is at the door bearing tequila but SARA RAMIREZ!!! Of course they turn this opportunity into a VERY UNBEARABLY CRINGY HOOKUP AND THE WIG ISN’T EVEN THE WORSE PART! The very worst part is that Carrie wakes up mid-hookup needing to pee, calls for help and is FORCED TO PEE INTO A SNAPPLE BOTTLE THAT SOMEHOW STILL SPILLS ON HER BED. Anything in the world that you could possibly imagine to be awful could not possibly compare to what my eyes were subjected to in this 5 minutes of television.

AND THEN! Sara Ramirez leaves and Carrie confronts Miranda AND THIS GODDAMNED DISHEVELED WIG about all the awfulness of the last 5 minutes and MIRANDA JUST STANDS THERE AND SAYS SHE’S SAD! ME TOO FOR HAVING TO WATCH ANY OF THIS HARRUMPH!

EPISODE 6

CRINGIA NIXONS: 9/10

WELP! Miranda has a spring in her step and a cup just FULL of coffee and LIFE IS GREAT BECAUSE OF THAT SARA RAMIREZ HOOKUP! She even sort of admits to herself that maybe she has an issue with drinking! Ok! 

Things are still VERY CRINGY with her friend/professor who is now just her galpal because SURE? Meanwhile Carrie buys ANOTHER apartment which she doesn’t need because she actually already has a dwelling and it is the least Carrie apartment you could ever think of and is maybe all just a computer and/or episode of Black Mirror. She goes with Charlotte to her storage unit WHICH IS LARGER THAN 5 APARTMENTS to furnish the new apartment WITHOUT MOVING ANYTHING OUT OF HER CURRENT OG APARTMENT and NO ONE LOOKS AT ANY LABELS ON ANY BOXES and just sort of randomly open boxes to find hats and lamps and OH GOD NO BIG’S RECORDS. I realize that this is a fantasy world where nothing makes sense but this scene makes so little sense that my brain stopped receiving oxygen.

AND. THEN. The girls have the most fanciful picnic with fake wine that EVERYONE LOVES AND THEN HATES and DEAR GOD HOW IS NO ONE SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS WIG. Instead, Carrie blurts out that Miranda had an affair with Sara Ramirez and it leads to the most hilariously awkward/unbelievable fight between friends that then is definitely not resolved but whatever - fake wine!

By episode’s end, Carrie has sold ANOTHER apartment and returned to her existing apartment and Miranda now lives in her laundry room which is bigger than most apartments anyway and is STILL FANTASIZING ABOUT SARA RAMIREZ AND TEXTS HER. AND! THIS! WIG! LIVES! ANOTHER! DAY!

(ALSO of course Miranda has one of those iphone cases that doubles as a card holder WOULDN’T SHE JUST!)

EPISODE 7

CRINGIA NIXONS: 10/10

As a boy named Christian wisely told Cher Horowitz once, a total Monet is a mess up close. So you squint, this wig doesn’t really look so bad. 

JUST KIDDING IT’S ALWAYS BAD NO MATTER WHAT AT ANY DISTANCE. And though Miranda hasn’t heard from Sara Ramirez in 3 weeks since that steamy laundry room text, THE DISTANCE IS KILLING HER. THIS WIG IS KILLING ME.

In perhaps the cringiest moment since Miranda had sex in Carrie’s kitchen with Sara Ramirez....MIRANDA TRIES TO RECREATE THAT MOMENT WITH STEVE. NO THANK YOU PLEASE. There is also a scene of Miranda and Steve bickering at the Grand Army Plaza farmer’s market that was so cringy I completely blocked it out. 

Carrie seems to have also blocked out the fact that Miranda had sex in her kitchen AND FORCED HER TO PEE IN A SNAPPLE BOTTLE (!!) and doesn’t tell Miranda that Sara Ramirez is going to be at Charlotte’s kids’ school fundraiser or whatever. Also Miranda’s hair looks like a 60s astronaut helmet and NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

She immediately runs over to Sara Ramirez and her wig deflates!! IS THIS FORESHADOWING?!

EPISODE 8

CRINGIA NIXONS: 9/10

The wig always knew. There is trouble in paradise with Miranda and Sara Ramirez and not only because Miranda wore AN OFF SHOULDER SWEATER TO A PRIDE EVENT IN JUNE OR THAT HER WIG IS STILL FAILING AT BEACH WAVES. It’s more because Miranda literally runs away from said pride event because she spots her son and his girlfriend in the crowd (#allies!) and oops btw she’s not in an open marriage and is actually having an affair. SARA RAMIREZ IS NOT HAPPY NOR ARE ANY OF US.

Over at dinner with the girls, Samantha has officially been replaced by Seema and OH GOD I MISS KIM CATTRALL. Also, Miranda’s wig is straight again and somehow shorter?! Also also, she announces that she wants a divorce. Everyone is very MEH about it?

Well ok I guess Carrie is sort of shocked. But that could be a reaction to the wig. 

Anyway, Miranda breezes over in her very bent and not breezy wig to Sara Ramirez’s podcast office and is like CAN WE BE IN LOVE?!?!?! And maybe???

She finally breaks the divorce news to Steve and OH GOD IT IS CRINGY and awkward and sad. But I guess not as sad as this couch? Anyway, he takes it way better than he should have and MIRANDA RUNS AWAY TO CLEVELAND TO SEE SARA RAMIREZ?!?!?!

EPISODE 9

CRINGIA NIXONS: 10/10

Ok so first of all: I honestly don’t care if Miranda is with Sara Ramirez or Steve or whatever because this show and this wig is terrible. BUT WHAT HAPPENED IN CLEVELAND?! WILL WE EVER KNOW OR CARE????? Also: does she not have a drinking problem anymore?! The most important update is that Miranda’s wig now has gel in it and also she is definitely stalking Sara Ramirez.

Miranda show’s up at Sara Ramirez’s apartment and is scared there is someone else in there but no Sara Ramirez is just working and Miranda do you have a job or is it JUST STALKING SARA RAMIREZ? Does she have enough $$ from lawyering once to just full time go to Columbia and have a bad wig and make everyone cringe in literally every interaction she has with them??

Well apparently she DOES have another job and it is setting up a women’s shelter and making all her fancy schmancy friends paint it (LIKE THEY HAVE PAINTING SKILLS!) rather than just writing a check. Fair but OH GOD THE WIG! Also Carrie shows up in overalls AND METALLIC PLATFORM HEELS. I REPEAT: METALLIC PLATFORM HEELS TO PAINT IN. YES SHE GETS PAINT ON THEM AND ALSO LOSES BIG’S WEDDING RING DOWN A SINK AND STEVE HAS TO GET IT. YES STEVE WAS FORCED TO PAINT TOO. WHAT IS THIS SHOW.

In only slightly more cringy news, Charlotte’s fancy school friend (LIKE I REMEMBER HER NAME) shows up in a goddamned SUV limo and calls in taco trucks to feed everyone! And then Charlotte wears an all-white coverall and gets her period in it! ABSOLUTELY NOT, SHOW! NO!!

EPISODE 10

CRINGIA NIXONS: 12/10

We made it to the last episode you guys!!! WE ALL DESERVE 2 KINDS OF CHALLAH BREAD FOR MAKING IT TO THE END. This episode really goes out with a kitchen sink of nonsense: Sara Ramirez reminds us she has a Tony by covering a David Lee Roth cover! Seema gets a dude! Big haunts a lamp AND an Eiffel Tower-themed purse! Charlotte gives herself a THEY-mitzvah wearing castoffs from Pretty in Pink! That podcast dude has an instagram-worthy surprise wedding! Carrie trades one silver fox for another and gets a podcast! The storylines of the jewelry-making neighbor, Steve, and Miranda’s drinking problem are completely ghosted! Mario Cantone tries to single-handedly revive the Borscht belt! Charlotte’s friend wears a SEQUINED TURBAN AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE TO BUY IT! And then THERE’S MIRANDA. AND THIS FUCKING WIG.

I don’t know what planet anyone was on when they decided Miranda’s fate but we can all agree that SHE. IS. THE CRINGIEST. Beyond the storyline of her blowing up her marriage to be with Sara Ramirez, she was trying to find herself by going back to grad school but that too is blown up by Sara Ramirez moving to LA to “be the new Roseanne” WHAT. In an outfit and wig cast off by The Hunger Games (I assume -like I’ve seen any of them!) she announces this to Carrie at Rock/Charlotte’s they-mitzvah and everything about that sentence makes me want to drown in a cosmo. I will say that the only character I truly cared about in this entire season was Jet, the trans rabbi. May she get to that wedding in Bushwick SHE HAS A HARD OUT AT 2 AND SO DO I. 

I applaud SJP for whoever does her hair extensions because clearly that is where the entire wig budget went for this season - LOOK AT MIRANDA’S WIG!!!! EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. AND. THEN.

In the final moments of this episode, Miranda decides to become a completely different person and return to her red roots AND WEAR ALL THE MAKEUP WHILE DRESSED AS A WILDERNESS GIRL. I understand that people/characters/wigs can grow and change but truly WHAT THE FUCK. I guess this wig is an upgrade from the grey one but THIS WIG IS BAD! THIS SHOW IS BAD! EVERYONE GO EAT SOME CHALLAH!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

[masterjedilenawrites]

is it delta squad saturday yet.

how bout some deltas in the kitchen/at the battlefield campfire? What do they cook and how weird does it get? Does Scorch actually eat his vegetable capsules?

Good news friend, it is Delta Squad Saturday, and I'm double-posting to make up for the week I took off...

Boss: The kitchen has to be the one place Boss is not really the boss. Can he make a simple sandwich? Yeah. Heat up some campfire beans? No problem. But anything more involved is not his area of expertise. He does much better as a "sous chef," letting someone else take the lead while he's instructed to assist with simple tasks like chopping vegetables or washing dishes. Whenever he is on dinner duty, his go-to is a kind of fried rice dish that incorporates whatever leftovers are on hand. It comes out different each time, sometimes in unfortunate ways, but he's quite proud of himself for it.

Fixer: An adamant follower of recipes, and he gets upset with the ones that aren't clearly written or precise in their measurements. A drizzle of oil? How much is a drizzle? What does that mean?! Would do better with baking since it's much more exact, but he doesn't really like sweet foods, so his baking repertoire is limited to savory things like quiches and breads (sourdough starter anyone?) He's particular about how he does things so he doesn't appreciate any "help" others try to give since they just don't do it right. He's started lots of arguments with his brothers in the kitchen/by the campfire over the years.

Scorch: Absolutely loves food, absolutely hates making it. He enjoys trying whatever local cuisine he can find on the various planets he sees on missions. Often utilizes whatever the intergalactic equivalent of DoorDash is (StarDash?), and when he can't afford the delivery fees, he'll begrudgingly eat the MREs, and, yes, the infamous veggie capsules too. Anything to not have to prepare a meal for himself. Get this man in a kitchen and he'll break out into a cold sweat and possibly even pass out from the anxiety. Seriously, don't trust him to cook anything. They call him Scorch for a reason, okay....

Sev: Secret culinary savant. Doesn't like bragging about his skills, but it's pretty clear even from the way he puts together a sandwich that he's got a special understanding of food. He's often entrusted with the campfire meals because he can somehow make them taste like they're not just slop in a bucket. When he has a proper space to work in, he gets more experimental and puts together some wild but delicious combinations. He does prefer things on the spicier side, and by spicier, I mean very kriffing spicy. He carries spices and sauces with him everywhere so he can liven up the foods others make.

[tightwadspoonies]

The Joy of Raising (and eating) Your Very Own Yeast Child(ren)

I know I am, statistically, late to this bandwagon.

Once a mysterious realm that only seasoned bakers would dare enter, the world of baking with a home yeast starter has become much less foreign to the scores of reluctant public health enthusiasts trying to find a way to use their sudden increase in free time.

It’s also because yeast is both reasonably expensive (like $5 for a jar that lasts a while, granted, but if you make all of your own bread, it quickly becomes the expensive ingredient) and frankly when everyone is making yeasty baked goods and supply chains are disrupted due to a pesky global pandemic, you want to have a backup. Discard also makes the food you eat just a little better for you (see below), and if you’re relying on more starchy things like flour in your diet for budget reasons, why not get everything you can out of all the other ingredients?

I, like everyone else, made like three sourdough starters in the last 12 months. I then let them die because holy crap those things 1, ate way more than I expected them to, and 2, I kept ending up with this stinktastic, slowly-fermenting glob of goo (the discard) in a takeout container on my porch because otherwise my entire apartment would have smelled like it.

I know I’m not doing a great job of selling it, but I wanted to make a post that showed it really was possible to not only sustainably and economically grow and maintain your own edible bacteria-and-yeast colony in an old jam jar, but really make it a part of your family.

1- How to Make a Starter:

Before we can really get into the joys of raising a pet sourdough starter, you have to actually get your hands on one. It’s actually way, way easier than I thought:

First, you get the following:

A jar with a lid (preferably glass- my first one was a pasta sauce jar from Aldi, but anything that’s clear-ish and around a pint/500ish ml will work great)

A half cup or so of whole wheat flour (if you don’t use whole wheat flour often, it will only be a few cents if you buy it in the bulk section)

6-7 tablespoons of tap water

A clean spoon

A rubber band or dry erase marker (optional but recommended)

All-purpose white flour to feed

Second, you put the flour and water in the jar and mix until it forms a thin, sticky paste

Third, cover loosely with the lid, and mark the level of water-flour paste either by putting the rubber band around the jar or marking it with a dry-erase marker.

Fourth, wait like 24 hours for bubbles to appear. These are CO2 bubbles released as the wild yeast and bacteria that is naturally present in whole wheat flour eats the wheat starch.

Fifth, once your flour-water-yeast goo doubles in size, scoop out half of it and discard (it should be stretchy, sticky, and bubbly in texture and smell pleasantly yeasty and ferment-y), place a quarter cup of all-purpose flour and 3 tbsp of water in the jar and mix with the remaining starter. Repeat every time the mixture doubles in size.

Note: if you go too long without feeding your yeast baby, it will form a watery layer and start to stink. All you have to do to save it is get as much of the watery stuff out as possible, discard half, and feed it until the smell and texture return to normal.

Once you start having to do this multiple times per day, congrats! You have a live and active sourdough starter!

2- What to Do With All That Goo (or ”discard”):

So basically now you have a boring, hungry toddler that really likes flour and outputs a lot of gooey discard.

First, don’t think of discard as a waste! You should think of your starter as a yeast farm and the throw-away portion (the “discard”) as the product.

Using discard in recipes not only lends a deeper flavor and chewier texture to baked goods, but helps partially digest the wheat starches (making discard slightly lower in quick carbohydrates than traditional flour), acts as a prebiotic (the fiber in discard-laden baked goods is better for feeding your gut bacteria, which helps you digest things more thoroughly), decreases the amount of gluten, and the lactic acid bacteria in discard increases the amount of nutrients like folate, potassium, and magnesium that the body can absorb during digestion. Basically, it lets you get more out of the food you eat and makes baked goods (slightly) better for you!

Here’s how you can use it (remember that measurements shown below are “stirred down” discard, meaning you have to stir the bubbles out of your discard before measuring):

Bread/bagels/english muffins- replace the active dry yeast portion of the recipe with a quarter cup of discard, and let the dough rise 12 or more hours after kneading. This longer rise time is required because the wild yeasts are not quite as active (or voracious) as their cultivated cousins, and you want time for the whole thing to get nice and sour from the lactic acid bacteria.

Crackers/thin-crust pizza dough- replace half the flour in a cracker/pizza dough recipe with discard and omit yeast.

Crepes/pancakes/waffles- replace up to 3/4 of the flour in a crepe, waffle or pancake recipe with discard, and omit yeast.

Quickbreads- replace up to 3/4 of the flour in a quickbread (pumpkin, apple, zucchini, banana bread, etc...) with discard and adjust liquid to desired consistency.

Brownies- replace as much as all of the flour in your brownie recipe with discard and adjust the liquid to the desired consistency.

Granola- replace the binder (usually honey or sugar) in granola and granola bar recipes with discard, and sweeten to taste.

Pie crust- replace half the flour in your pie crust with discard, add the discard when you would normally add the water, and omit the water.

Batter for fried fish/chicken/potato wedges/veg, etc...- water down the discard with some beer or water, dip your fried things, and fry.

3- Preserving Your Starter Colony When You Have More Bread and Crackers Than You Can Comfortably Eat:

As much as you’d like to think you’ll use discard for every recipe, you might find that your creativity (or just your tolerance for discard-flavored things) gets stretched a little thin over time.

That’s okay!

Here are a few great ways to save your starter without needing to feed it every 12 hours:

Fridge it- If you just want less discard, put your whole starter colony in your fridge- the cold slows down the yeast’s digestion so you only have to feed it once per week.

Freeze it- if you have a few days that you don’t have anything to do with your discard or want to save up for a bigger recipe, portion it into greased ice cube trays, freeze it, and then pop the discard chunks out and store in a ziploc or jar. Thaw it to use in larger recipes down the line.

Dry it- spread your discard on parchment paper-lined baking trays and let it air out at room temperature for a few days, then chop it up and store in an airtight container (with some burnt flour in a little cloth envelop if you live in a humid climate).

Gift it/sell it: You’d be surprised at how many people feel the need to buy an existing starter. Feed your starter and then portion it into small jars (baby food, etc... with labels removed), then freeze the jars. Gift or sell these frozen portions by tying a little ribbon around them (feel free to name them and write the parent starter’s date of birth on the ribbon) and sending them off with a little printout of how to care for them.

[buildsoil]

This thread was a response to questions about how to build soil. I look at the big picture what helps soil grow & end with a discussions about how towns & cities might be designed to help.

So there’s so much to cover in how to repair things. I’m going to do a slow thread on how the designed and built environment can be directed to soil building and climate repair.

1st thing to think about is what is soil? For brevity i’m going to say soil is the culturing of weathered rock with a food web of microorganisms that leads to making rock nutrients solvable &stores them along with organic carbon. (Soil scientists i know i’m over-simplifying)

I’m talking about aerobic souls formed with oxygen rather than anaerobic. Wetlands souls are amazing and do good. But there are reasons to focus in aerobic for now. (I’m a huge fan of wetlands and pond systems too)

Too much water and too much compaction removes oxygen. The system switches to anaerobes that live by yanking Oxygen off of soil nutrients, making them smell bad and able to leave the soil. They also produce alcohols that prevent plant roots from growing.

So this kind of soil needs: enough air, water, contact with plants (that feed it with sugars and proteins made with photosynthesis and CO2 exuded from their roots.)

Rock weathers into subsoil without a lot of big life, when plants interact with it they build living subsoil through their roots and the accumulation of organic matter on top.

Living soil is protective. So it actually protects the subsoil from some of the processes that speed up formation. Which is why in natural conditions it can settle into a very slow rate of production.

We have been running civilizations in the use of this built up soil. Turning it killing fungi and structure to get bacterial blooms that feed out Annual crops.

This leads to Erosion rates more similar to mountain systems then the low lands where the soil formed. We are burning through our soil to grow and crash quite a few civs

You have to understand. The buffering capacity of our plants souls* could have handled the CO2 from fossil fuels. Only what we used fossil fuels for was to increase erosion, change the balance of water runoff, deforest, and plow over the grasslands every April. 8/?

*Sorry about the autocorrect to soul. Lol

I have to be off-line for a spell but I’ll continue with a discussion about how we design to accelerate that soil building process. Including some references in case studies

So i want to introduce a few puzzle pieces. The first is the work of this man PA Yeomans. He was a mining geologist who retired and starting thinking about soil care from a Geomorphologist POV

When he set off to tend his land, the Australian gov provided soil conservation literature focused on contour plowing. Based on the view that soil is precious(it is) but that it’s impossible to speed its production (it’s not)

The main problems with contour based design can be seen from this image by PA. On land contours are not parallel. This slows water but it drains ridges and concentrates water in valleys. Overdrying and overwriting soil at the same time. Can even blow out.

PA developed a way of understanding topographic features to organize landscapes so that: water is infiltrated, spread, extra collected stored as high as possible to re-hydrate during dry times. He realized this could be used to organize everything on broad acre farmland

This prob is too dense for Twitter. But imagine land as big ridges between streams and they have smaller ridges and valleys. Imagine the inflection point in those smaller valleys where the land nicks in like a clavicle * in the pic 13/

PA called them keyponts and they are : the highest water concentrating point in land, where soils thicken, & any line parallel to this on the land concentrated water above but spreads water below

Now he had a way to organize features. First he placed ponds at those points. Collection drains could be set to collect overland flow and move it into those ponds. Then any roads could follow those drains with minimal impact actually helping water collection.

And bellow, the land could be plowed with a subsoiler that sharpers the subsoil without turning the soil. And he would plow down on ridges and up on valleys which means water spreads.

PAs land:

And here in red are plow lines (or how to organize and water receiving element such as tree rows to spread water along ridges)

Roads, buildings, pasture, agroforestry- whatever could be designed. Roads can also be placed along ridges, Trees get planted along ridges & in valleys and along streams with complete connectivity. And humans move out of valleys to ridges, leaving valleys for soil and wildlife.

This planning process is like adding sourdough starter to flour and sugar and adding just enough water. The subsoil can be reached by water, roots, inoculated by microbes. you can rapidly add feet of topsoil. Keyline farms are amazing. They stop flashy creeks & can repair land

And it should be viewed as appropriate for where people live and farm. Ag land not the giant ranges that could be bison prairies.

So there is more. PAs last book was on how these design methods could be applied to cities and towns. That towns could extend along ridges,roads could direct water into Catchment which could water yards then agricultural & reforested lowlands. He called it “the city forest”

The City Forest by P.A. Yeoman hosted on SoilandHealth.org

Library Rules and Copyright Notice

Think about what this would mean. Human settlements designed so they are collectors of water, human labor, and even humanure, directed towards the generation and care of soils and forestry.

So let’s talk examples. Frederick Law Olmstead designed a number of Stormwater collecting parks Into towns. One of the most famous being Boston’s Emerald Necklace. /24

His son John Charles did something similar when he designed Portland Oregon’s water collecting neighborhood of Lauralhurst. Before the current Stormwater system, Laurelhurst Park was the detention basin.

Next step in the journey Is Davis California in the 80s where Mike Corbett designed village homes a neighborhood designed to handle Stormwater by soaking it in Swales and orchards rather then management systems

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Village_Homes

Here’s a video of Mollison touring the place in the 1990s. https://youtu.be/v_05oRQxssQ I’ve heated that they have managed several very large storm events that flooded their neighbors. All while building the soil and restoring the water table.

Village Homes with Bill Mollison (improved audio)

So:,remember this and this question: what if we really looked for a city that took this approach?

Well, here's Siena Italy which started as a number of little settlements and converged in the hills of Tuscany: that big public square is the Piaza Del Campo- built in the key point of the landscape, The roads collect water into drains and reservoirs under the piazzas.

Link to tweet with 3 Images here

28/ if you look at the landscape you see how this hilltown stayed on the uplands and collected water to irrigate the lowlands.

Link to tweet with 4 Images here

Underground passages for water, the 'fountain of the earth' sits at the keypoint, and the lowland valleys are irrigated and saved for soil...

Link to tweet with 2 Images here

more images of siena form GIS models im building

Link to Tweet with 12 Images here