#and the way the show deals with altered reality and fake memories

[youreeatingthedog]

"If you believe it to be real, then it’s real." 

(Dennis, Mac and reality)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: Self-doubt, just a whole mess of what is real vs. what is fake/mistaken. Identity crisis?

Looking for: Advice, maybe just lending some knowledge if you have it.

I am an alter in an autistic system. Recently, we consumed a piece of media (I like how that feels, consumed media, it's funny, nice texture phrase) and I latched onto one of the characters. Hard.

At first I didn't think much of them besides relatability, which is common for me. If I get fixated on that character a little, sometimes I'll get a little...idk...shifty into them? Like not mimicry but a more intense version where there's just a touch of them in me, and usually this either fizzles out or another alter splits the day or two after and it turns out I was just doing a weird split.

But this time it grew over time, which isn't something that happens usually. And now I am hardcore on them, to the point where I'm having trouble with my normal memories and I'm getting memories of them instead, related only in sense of metaphors or tangents. I'm feeling phantom limbs and my inner voice and appearance is altering, as well as my outer world facial expressions (a clear tell-tale of who's fronting for many of us).

My first thought was, okay, this is normal when I fixate on a character, but even when I waited for a little bit, it still hasn't gone away. Some part of me misses the people from the show. I started panicking and I freak out every time I think or innerspeak in the character's voice. It's not uncommon for me to have trouble hearing the right voices from other people (pretty sure we know why), but my voice has always remained consistent. My outer voice is more or less the same, except I have to push down a couple of specific mannerisms from the character that would be concerning to people around me.

The character is also half-blind. The body is not. In the outer world the eye is really weird, like my brain feels like it's not supposed to be used but is (other disabled alters have the same feeling), and the only way I've managed to reduce that is by closing the eye. But that's not really gonna happen, so...idk how to deal with this other than just kinda. Hope it stops. Which sucks because I front a LOT.

I managed to half-convince myself that it was a new fictive influencing REALLY FREAKING HARD but even when I tried to get them to speak, I did my usual 'fake or real?' test (my imagination gets mixed up with alters sometimes so I developed a strategy to tell the difference) and it was fake. I asked another alter in the fronting room if there was anyone else there and they said no, checked with our Gatekeeper and they said no, but I was a bit weird.

I have severe issues with the lines between real and fake blurry sometimes, but I'm currently not in an episode of that, so it makes literally zero sense for that to be the case, plus in that case my memories aren't altered, just my perception of reality. This is vice versa.

We have partial and mixed fictives in our system (partial brain, partial fictive), so at this point all I have is either I am having an extremely odd real-fake-blur episode (which doesn't make sense as my confusion is the only thing causing distress, not the blurring itself, as well), or like. Somehow completely brain-made me is partially fictived?

I went on Google and saw things about fragments/not formed pieces/alters without identities finding characters that matched them near perfectly and attaching to them/forming into them, but I've been formed for a year now. Some parts of identity might not be fully filled in, MAYBE, but most parts are, and as much as I related to and connected with the character, I didn't see anything about it happening with formed alters.

I know that this isn't silly but it frankly feels ridiculous that I'm jumping to so many different possibilities, and what my brain is doing feels faked, but it's just...I know my brain (sort of). I know myself (sort of again). I know what it does when it screws around at least. It's not screwing around with me, I know it. The Gatekeeper already commented on it, I mean...

If you have literally any advice, thank you. Please note when responding that while I do have a therapist, she hasn't talked to us about the system and our Protector decided that we weren't going to say anything else for a while, so she's no help to me in this place right now.

It may seem kind of funny, all things considered, but I feel alone, and even if all you can give me are cat pictures, it'll make me feel less alone. Thanks.

Hi anon,

Please know you're not alone and that what you're experiencing is real and valid, and there is no right or wrong way to be a system, and every system is unique in their own way. It's up to you how to define or describe your experiences, but I can help flesh some of it out for you.

If I'm understanding what you're saying, you're wondering if it is possible for an alter to become a fictive over time. This can happen. In some cases, an alter may present as an original personality but over time may begin to identify more strongly with a fictional character. This happens for a variety of reasons, including exposure to media featuring that character, a desire to escape from reality, or a need to feel more in control. A resource that talks about this more is "Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder" by Tracy Alderman. The text discusses the concept of fictives and how they can develop over time.

Also please remember that it's an extremely common experience for systems to feel that they're faking their symptoms in some way, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they are faking it. As you may already know, the covert nature of OSDD/DID (assuming you're traumagenic) can mean that systems go through phases of denial, even after validation from a therapist or a clinical diagnosis. Please remember to be gentile and patient with yourself during this time as you're trying to make sense of your experiences and your identity.

Ultimately, if your protector eventually feels comfortable discussing this with your therapist, that could be super helpful in navigating what you're experiencing right now, as well as figuring out how to move forward. That being said, it is completely up to y'all what to do here, and y'all know yourselves best.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[williamaltman]

The truth about Wanda's family and ScarletVision in WandaVision:

So, it has been a while since the show aired, but to this day, I think a lot of people don't quite understand the logistics of all that happened. Mainly, in regards to the existence of Vision and the twins. A lot of people still think that they're "not real". What exactly counts as real might be a bit subjective, but they're not "fake" in the sense that a lot of people seem to think. A lot of those misconceptions seem to come from the fact that in the comics, Wanda's twins are said to "not be real". This comes from the fact that their souls come from a shard of Mephisto's, and after Pandemonium comes to take those shards back, they're gone. In the show however, as we know very well, there's no Mephisto. So how do the twins exist? According to Agatha in episode 9, the Scarlet Witch is a being capable of "Spontaneous creation". Right before, she says "Your children, Vision, this whole world you created... This is chaos magic, Wanda." So how do the twins and Vision exist? Simple, Wanda created them. They're not fake. They're not "an illusion". In fact, it is established many times that everything inside the Hex is REAL, not an illusion. As per Monica, in episode 5: "It's not an illusion, Wanda is rewriting reality" "Wanda's twins are hers. Everything might look fake on the TV, but everything in there is real" So why do they disappear without the hex? If they're real, shouldn't they stay alive? Again, Agatha explains: "You tied your family to this twisted world, and now one can't exist without the other." Wanda's mistake was that the creation of Vision and the twins was made a part of the same spell that created the Hex. So if she takes down the hex, she takes them down along with it. It seems like a lot of people miss the fact that, Agatha explains the situation clearly to her, and then offers to make a deal with her: If Wanda gives her her power, she'll correct the flaws in Wanda's spell and allow her to live happily with her family. The whole time that they're fighting and Wanda is shooting her power at her, Agatha thinks she's doing that as part of their deal. But we then learn that Agatha was lying, as she then tells Wanda: "About our deal... Once a spell is cast, it can never be changed. This world you created will always be broken." Which also explains the criticism of "Why didn't Wanda just keep the hex at her house?". She can't. The spell can't be changed. She either keeps it as is, or undoes it. No in-between. Now, more in regards to ScarletVision. I've seen some takes about their relationship in the show that are... Wrong, or at least questionable. >"Wanda is having sex with an illusion of Vision/a mind-controlled Vision/forcing him to be with her" Vision is not an illusion. He's a real person (synthezoid) with his own life and mind and free-will, exactly like the original Vision. The reason he disappears along with the hex is already explained above. Wanda is not mind-controlling Vision, or forcing him to do anything. Because he and the twins were created inside the hex, they don't need to be mind-controlled to fit in on the sitcoms, and they're also straight-up immune to Wanda's powers as shown when she tries to make the twins sleep, and as said by the creators in many interviews. In episode 5, there's the "You can't control me the way you do them" "Can't I?" which a lot of people misunderstand and take it as Wanda having control over Vision. But she doesn't. Her "Can't I?" is referring to what she does next: Rolling the credits, to end the episode. It doesn't affect Vision's mind at all. It also just doesn't work, as Vision is able to stop the credits when he continues to argue with her. And as we find out next episode, even changing the decade doesn't take away Vision's memories and knowledge of there being something wrong in WestView. >"Do Wanda and Vision have sex? Can they?" This one is kind of a tangent, but, I've seen a couple arguments about the scene in episode 2 where they go under the covers in bed. First of all: Yes, they obviously had

sex. The implication of the scene is pretty clear. Vision makes a suggestive face to Wanda and tells her to turn off the lights, right after she turned their separate beds into a double bed. The reason they have separate beds is that couples in actual 60's sitcoms did. Because them being in the same bed, implied, well, sex. There's just also no other way to interpret them going under the blanket and moving and turning off the lights especially after the faces they make at each other, so I'm not sure why there's even an argument about this. And yes, the fact tha Wanda gets pregnant at the end of the episode DOES help with that. Yes, Wanda gets pregnants with her powers... But that's not the story she wants, she wants it to be as if she and Vision can just naturally have children. So, when she has sex with Vision that night, that should be the point where the twins are really "conceived." >"But how can they have sex if Vision is a robot and doesn't have a-" Just think about it... Vision, with his powers, can create his own clothes. Full-on outfits. His whole costume and a cape. He's able to change from that to his casual turtleneck outfit. He can even alter his whole body to look human. It's just logical that he's also able to create a penis. Besides that, Paul Bettany and even Lizzie got asked about that and Vision's sex life a bunch of times. And every time they have said that, yes, Vision can change his density, Vision can create a penis, they do have sex somehow... Note that, when Wanda does get pregnant, they don't question anything about how "But how can she be pregnant if we don't do that?", but rather just "How is she months pregnant in a matter of 12 hours?". It's true that Vision as a synthezoid shouldn't be able to impregnate her at all, but if Wanda got pregnant without them even having sex AT ALL, that would definetely be more of an issue rather than just how fast the pregnancy has advanced. >"But that doesn't matter, cause Wanda's pregnancy is psychological". No. How is it psychological if the children are actually born? I guess the logic here is that both the pregnancy and the twins she give birth to are fake, and "an illusion", but that has already been established as NOT being the case. And then part of that comes from misunderstanding the storyline in the comics. Wanda's pregnancy was not psychological. She actually got pregnant and unlike the show had a normal 9 months pregnancy. The idea that the twins were fake originally came from them being shards of Mephisto (which was a retcon btw). And then, when Bendis came to write House of M, he wanted to frame Wanda as being crazy and unstable. So he emphasized the idea of them not being real to make it seem like part of Wanda's mental issues, and also went with the narrative that a pregnancy and babies created through magic were inheretly not real. But that's only the interpretation of one write in a couple stories. He also said "chaos magic" wasn't real, and then other comics dismissed that and said that it was. And then, they turned out to be real enough that they were able to be reincarnated into Wiccan and Speed. So, even in the comics, Wanda's pregnancy isn't exactly fake or psychological. Even if you still see it that way though, the show is NOT like the comics. It has its own logic, which, to come back to the beginning, is that: Wanda's powers make her capable of "spontaneous creation". She fully created the twins and Vision as living people. She made the mistake of tying their existence into the hex, so when she undid the hex, which was a spell that ALTERED REALITY rather than created illusions, they were gone along with it.

[emmavoid]

In which I go back over episodes 1-5 of Serial Experiments Lain in order to collect my thoughts on them before continuing on to a liveblog proper!

(this was done at butt-o-clock in the morning don't @ me for rambling/misspelling/etc)

Episode 1-

Lain’s shadow, and the shadows near her house, have an intensely weird pattern to them- like there's something hiding deeper within those shadows than any other shadows

The focus on humming powerlines, Lain’s asking them to be quiet- something/someone is trying to communicate with her, even this early on

The steam that comes from Lain’s fingers- at first I thought it was an intense imagination, but it felt similar to the steam coming from her computer in later episodes- another early sign that she’s already in the Wired

“Why did you die?” “God is here.” the first mention of god in the show

As a whole Lain’s family seems off; her parents weirdly robotic, inhuman- almost monstrous in their appearances, and her sister distant; lain did not know them well, and so these simulations of them suffer

When another student dies by jumping in front of the transit train, lain has a strange experience of “viewing” the student’s death while surrounded by fog. I originally thought this was more of her powerful imagination, but having since connected the “fog” or steam to computers, i think this was her simulating the event over again in an attempt to cope with her very human feelings

“Come to the Wired as soon as you can.” More communications from “the universe” to Lain

Episode 2-

the night scene at the beginning of each episode has been, mostly, a repetition of itself, with more communications; however, with Lain not present for most of them, who are they directed towards?

The girl in the nightclub Cyberia- looking at her again on a re-view, she does seem similar to Lain, but wears earrings- something I’ve noticed the “digital” Lain in the opening has that differentiates her from the more innocent, child-like, human Lain.

The explanation of Accel cuts to Lain in class- with the camera specifically focusing on her ear. It seems as if, throughout the show, she’s learning certain information without seeking it out.

The first appearance of the digital ghosts, like what would become of the “fake” version of Lain’s sister in a later episode, plus the figure she “imagined” after the train slow-down.

The man with the gun high on Accel- a test for human-Lain? She freezes, drawing his ire, but when he recognizes her as the Other Lain and points his gun at her, she speaks in a different voice- possibly the Other Lain’s? Possibly… a God-Lain’s voice. The man kills himself as if controlled by an outside force, and Lain appears shocked. I think that God-Lain- the one who has been communicating with Lain all this time- took over to ensure that Lain’s failure of this test wouldn’t lead to her death (or possibly, to interrupting her growth and forcing some kind of reset?)

Episode 3-

After the events of last episode, Lain is shaken- she can barely respond to Arisu. When she returns home, her family is nowhere to be seen- possibly because them existing during all of what happened would be detrimental to her growth? But when she falls asleep at her computer then checks on her family again… their presence or absence isn’t shown.

Another case of information about something strange- this time the Psyche- with a focus on Lain’s ear; again, picking up some kind of information.

“We saw someone die right in front of us yesterday, but we’re acting like it’s something we saw in a movie.” lain's friends are the most fleshed out "people" in the simulation because she knew them the best- and that's why none of them could react properly to the murder in that club, because Lain had never experienced what their reactions would really be like to something traumatic like that.

Lain’s Psyche shows up in her locker- perhaps put there by God-Lain?

The first mention of The Knights, who may have created the Psyche. Are they possibly a front for God-Lain?

Lain’s father attempts to leave immediately when she shows him the Psyche- further evidence that he can only react how he’s “programmed” to? The guy in the club who recognizes Lain- God-Lain has definitely been visiting here regularly.

“I saw you once, in the Wired. You were totally different.” God-Lain doesn’t seem to mind folks knowing about her. Is she leaving hints towards her existence for Lain on purpose?

Lain’s sister is definitely more fleshed out than her parents- when the Agents at the door try to tell her to ignore them she seems properly weirded out

Episode 4-

The origin of my connecting steam/fog to computing power- lain has a fan set up to directly cool part of her computer, releasing steam/condensation

Lain’s parents continue to have strange, robotic responses, but her sister seems genuinely concerned for her.

The main “plot” of this episode- the crossing over of the two net games- seems mostly unrelated to Lain? But it does seem to be causing suicides and murders, showing direct interaction between the Wired and the “real” world

I love the speed with which Lain is acclimating to computers and the Wired- contacting a professional for assistance with the Psyche is a great detail

The more adult-seeming Lain- so, possibly, God-Lain- appears to ask the DJ at the club about the game. But, she’s not there when he looks, and after that scene Lain has suddenly learned about and downloaded the game in question. Was it maybe Human-Lain tapping into her latent god powers to learn this information from him?

A Lain travels through the net game, and seems to try to contact a fleeing player. “I can’t go where you are.” The voice sounds much more like Human-Lain? Then the player encounters a child and kills her- seemingly in-game, but then one or more corpses can be seen wrapped in sheets afterwards as Lain watches. Highly unlikely that this guy had a real gun IRL- especially in Japan- so this seems to be more Wired/IRL fuckery.

“My buddies and I think this might be the work of the Knights too.” A point against my theory of the Knights being God-Lain?

“I’ll be able to enter it soon. … Don’t worry, I’m still me.” “Sometimes, I wonder…” Yeah, there’s no way this is a real reaction her real father would have.

“The Knights do not physically exist. They can be thought of as a religion that is spreading through the Wired.” And then this quote feels like another point towards my God-Lain theory!

the two men who were spying on lain... I think might've been actual outside agents given representation so that human-Lain would have the chance to deal with them- which, she did, by tapping into her god-powers to destroy their spy-glasses (which, when she did, caused her computer's fans to go into overdrive to keep it cooled)

Episode 5-

Lain hears directly from a being calling itself God, before the episode jumps to focusing on her sister for most of the episode.

This episode felt like it was jossing my theory- how could this whole reality be for Lain’s benefit if her sister was experiencing strange stuff?

“There is nothing that you don’t know. I can’t tell you a story that doesn’t exist.” On some level, Lain is both God-Lain and Human-Lain. These conversations with the doll, the mask, then fakes of her parents throughout the episode, seem to be more of Lain learning without personally experiencing- being fed information by her other self.

“The other side is overcrowded. The dead will have nowhere to go.” Isn’t this straight up a quote from one of the Romero zombie flicks?

All the talk of prophecy and “fulfill the prophecy”... Lain seems to be on a set path towards entering the Wired, which is part of why it seems like this is just her reliving an approximation of something that already happened.

A connection between the Knights and The Prophecy. The fake of Lain’s sister isn’t the only one to encounter word of the prophecy, since we hear about it from Lain’s friends as well

Hmm… I hadn’t thought of it before, but, mayhaps the fake of Lain’s sister doesn’t show until the strange holo-effects of her water at dinner? None of the really weird stuff happens to her until after… maybe this was a copy of her then, made during that moment before being pushed into this prophecy-horror scenario?

The Lain’s Sister who enters the house crying then sees herself disappears- or, it seems she does, until Lain sees a digital ghost of her, like she had previously seen in the school… after seeming to see this other self of hers, the real Lain’s sister seems… robotic and nonchalant. Was she a full, real person before this happened?

Theory Overall thus far-

my theory thus far is that lain's already living in the wired, and is, in fact, a god there- she is both Lain and The Knights; but, the more human part of her, Lain, is reliving her pre-wired memories with slight alterations in order to help her get to the point where she can accept her godhood.

the opening of the show ties into my theory too- that god-Lain (portrayed in the intro with earrings) is spread throughout the world, controlling everything, while human-Lain (in her much more childish outfit) is just experiencing and trying to understand the world

Things that were pointed out to me-

Arisu’s name is a romanization of Alice (referencing Alice in Wonderland)

Be inc and Copland being old computer companies

[cobieeliseforsh]

I've been reading a lot of theories on Twin Peaks tonight, and just wanted to offer my two cents and see what everyone thinks.

First of all, it's clear that Leland and Sarah are distinct from their more demonic alter egos. The truth is that the damage and pain are caused by things within Leland and Sarah that Bob and Judy are clearly pushing further, egging them on like two devils on their shoulders. Leland with the trauma of his child-hood abuse, Sarah with the trauma of Laura's death (hence why Joudy only really appears in her grief festering, as trauma often takes time to surface). This retains the humanity of the tragedy of Twin Peaks, but also shows the influence of the bad impulses as representative spirits, utukkus, demons or whatever they are - what Albert refers to as the evil that men do, just personified. Getting bogged down in the mythology ignores what Lynch is often doing: telling emotionally true and somewhat conventional stories using surrealism and mysticism to make the narrative and imagery more ambiguous. It's still very much a tale about family trauma.

(Incidentally, this also goes for most everything that happens in show: most of the dark secrets in the original show were connected to those with ties to the Black Lodge, such as Laura, Josie, Leland, etc. and in The Return, it can be argued that Mr. C's criminal empire and its influence, and Richard Horne, and Sarah Palmer tend to be where most of the problems are centred - all people whose traumas are represented by connection to the Black Lodge, not some grand conspiracy. The Black Lodge is merely a representation of things back in the real world, to some extent. The fact that Cooper loses his showdown with Windom Earle, and Annie suffers for it, and returns a different person, is more represented by Bob possessing a doppelganger of him than it is something that should be taken as the Black Lodge being literal.)

And the way that emotional reality is presented in Twin Peaks is through this ambiguous mythology. The idea of Ba'al and Joudy mating and producing an ultimate evil makes real logical sense in terms of Twin Peaks: The Return if you understand PTSD and the notion of cycles of trauma. Leland was abused, and became abusive. Laura was abused, in turn, by an abusive father and a mother who didn't protect her. They mated in the sense they had a child, and also came together to produce a traumatised child through their actions in another form of mating. Laura tried to end the cycle, and Dale Cooper suffered and sunk into a cycle of his own that caused all the trouble in Episode 17: his endless desire to save women rather than allowing them the freedom of their own choices - something MIKE encourages him to do as a Black Lodge spirit, and which The Fireman pulls Laura away from. Thus, he doesn't save Laura. More than likely, he was just delivering her back to the hell she was living in, had Cooper gotten his way.

So, Ba'al and Joudy are supposed to meet and have a kid that ends the world, according to Frost's book - but a lot of people fail to understand that this has already happened. Their hosts in the real world meet and have a child: Laura. But Ba'al and Joudy aren't from this world, and everything in this world has its doppelganger in the world they do come from, right? Including Laura. A doppelganger who seems to have been whispering into Dale Cooper's ear for a long, long time, manipulating events.

But, and this is important, the alternate Laura, Ba'al and Joudy don't matter as such as they are merely representations. Each of them are merely the manifestations of the trauma cycles that drive our existence, the trauma that these parasites then feed on. When we meet up with Carrie Page, that trauma of violence and misery is continuing, a horrible thing that she is drawn to in order to feed on, showing that even pretending to be someone else, symbolically, is no escape from the scars of your past. What Richard/Cooper ends up doing in the end is not some grand cosmic plan, but simple therapy: he attempts to take Laura back to face up to and process her trauma.

Think of the end: Laura is waking not from the nightmare of her death, but from this fake life, and having a flashback that is retraumatising her and returning her to the state she was in that made her so appealing to the things within the Black Lodge. Laura stopped the cycle with her death, unwilling to conspire with her father, and Cooper not only undid all that, but has also brought back all her pain, all her suffering. And whilst a lot has been made of the lights going out and the symbolism of electricity in Twin Peaks, there is a simpler explanation for the lights going out: it was often at night when Laura was abused in that house. It seems to be happening all over again - which is what a PTSD flashback feels like.

All of which was the point of that sequence over the credits, Laura's evil doppelganger, conspiring with the Cooper doppelganger, to push them towards a situation where Laura is brought back and forced into the trauma that can nourish them, and, then, we have to assume, continuing the cycle. And who did they choose? Someone who for all his smarts and wholesomeness can't see his own cycle of trauma.

This even explains the world they end up in: not Joudy as reality, but a world where Laura's terrible, unknowing influence has been allowed to spread for years, leaving a darker, harsher place, as her buried trauma influences her behaviour, and the world around her. Death, hiding... this can never heal the trauma that Laura has been through, but neither can being forced to confront it directly. Laura needs to acknowledge, process, and grow beyond the things that limit her - something Twin Peaks has not yet allowed her to do - she remains a still picture in a frame for much of the show, a ghostly figure from the past, the words of her history in her diary, the bitter memories of her ethereal presence. In other words, Dale Cooper saving Laura can only hurt her. Only Laura can save Laura. This isn't a story about two people, Dale Cooper and Laura, but one, and Laura is the one. And Twin Peaks is about trauma, but also the ways we fail to deal with it. That is the true Lynchian horror, the all too true cycle of trauma.

[officialthiamlibrary]

Hi, thank you for all the help before! I’m wondering that is there any fic about Alpha! Theo? Thx!

As promised, here is the second part of the alpha Theo request!

Woohoo by Shipper_Trash (Teen | Complete | 1.1K) Tags: Mpreg, alpha Theo, omega Liam, kid fic, married Thiam Summary: This is a future fic, in the same 'verse as this: Get Together!! A Peek Inside: “Uhhh,” he tries to think how to answer, because if he says yes, then they won’t ever be able to play pillow fights, and that is not something he can let happen. If he says no, he will have to explain and she is too young! This situation shouldn’t have arisen at least until she was well in her teens. Like, 19. Yes, 19 is a perfectly reasonable age to give her the talk.  

What’s Your Deepest Desire by ReignWrites (Explicit | WIP | 15K) Tag: Graphic depictions of violence, alpha Theo, panic attacks, angst and fluff and smut, memory alteration, kidnapped Theo Summary: A new and unknown Supernatural being is wrecking havoc in Beacon Hills when people have been disappearing one by one. The problem has been going on for weeks and worsens when Theo Raeken ends up missing. In a desperate attempt to save the innocent lives of Beacon Hills and put a stop to this monster, Liam Dunbar calls Scott McCall and Stiles Stilinski for help despite having departed a few months ago. The last thing Theo remembers is being ambushed by a man with glowing tattoos and blue eyes before being sucked into a fantasy universe. This world is Theo’s happy place and filled with his heart’s deepest desires. Liam’s in love with him, Theo has a comfortable bed to sleep on, he’s a real werewolf, and the alpha of his own pack. A part of him knows this reality is fake, but the way Liam kisses him and looks at him with so much love in his eyes makes Theo stay. He’s finally happy, and he’s forgetting everything about his past life. Will Liam, Scott, and the rest of the puppy pack be able to save Theo, or will they lose him forever to this fake reality? A Peek Inside: Oh, how Theo wishes he’s here for a night shift. He would’ve come into this clinic with a dazzling smile on his face, but he’s only filled with dread. “I was out driving,” he starts and frowns, suddenly becoming uncomfortable. No one knows about his homeless situation, and the fact he was about to sleep near the monster sends a shudder through his body. “And I saw this man dragging a woman’s body in a barn. I went to go check it out, but I saw him—” he cuts himself off.

A tale written with fangs and claws by Former_Princess (Teen | WIP | 488K) Tags: Smut, mates, friends to lovers, alpha Theo, slow build, bisexual Liam Summary: This is a story of a spark getting ignited when nobody thought it would happen. A story about friendship, trust and yes, also about love. About finding your place in the world and figuring out who you really are. This is the story of how Liam Dunbar became an Alpha and got a mate and a whole pack to call his own. This is the story of the Morning Dew Pack. A Peek Inside: Now Liam opened his beer too and raised it. “To Seattle and our new life.”

The way you move by brightsummernights (Teen | WIP | 31K) Tags: Tags vary depending on which oneshot you read (please read them carefully) Summary: My collection of unconnected Thiam one shots. A Peek Inside: He is screwed.

An Empty Barstool by Endraking (Mature | WIP | 29K) Tags: after college, angst, alpha chimera Theo Summary: Scott heads back to Beacon Hills after college to establish his adult life. He has to make a decision with regards to Theo, who has handled protecting Beacon Hills since the pack left for college. This ultimately leads to Theo, and his pack, on the run from an ambitious pack and hunters leaving Scott's pack to deal with the new threats to Beacon Hills. A Peek Inside: Scott shook his head before he glanced over to the chimera.  Theo’s face was still bruised and swollen with a nasty cut that lined the right side of his face, with a few drops of blood collected on the bar.  The chimera wore a beaten smile, a genuine one the alpha took note of, as he picked up his beer and took drink.  Scott nervously grinned as he asked, “Shouldn’t you get that checked out?  I thought you’d heal by now.”

Delirium by hollyster (Explicit | Complete | 5K) Tags: A/B/O dynamics, smut, mates, mating bites, public humiliation, knotting Summary: AU/ In which Theo is the Alpha of the Puppy Pack and Liam his Mate who forgets to take his pills to avoid a surprise heat and, goes into heat while eating a burger at the local grill. (Scott is a true Alpha, Liam's his beta but Theo's mate and omega in his pack) (Theo didn't kill anyone, Scott gave him a bit of his power, he's just a good pal with his own pack) A Peek Inside: "I'm in the car, baby. Everything's gonna be fine, I'm there in ten."

Power by liamschimera (Explicit | Complete | 981) Tags: Major character death, dark Theo, dark Liam, murder, ritualistic sacrifice, resurrection, heavy angst, alpha Theo Summary: “No, you look at me.” Theo snarled, sitting up as best he could as tears fell down his face now. “You watch me bleed out, you watch me die. You spineless fucking coward.” A Peek Inside: The Alpha with his stolen eyes, his stolen pack. He doesn’t know how he fell this far, he doesn’t know how it came to this. All he knows is how it started.

The Boyfriend Experience by ExtraSteps (Explicit | Complete | 52K) Tags: Smut, kidnapping, Liam is an escort Summary: Theo is a self-made alpha werewolf. By day he builds up his business, Raeken Industries and by night he runs the hottest club in LA, Sinema. Alongside his pack, Tracy, Josh, Corey and Hayden, he helps to protect LA. Escorting is so commonplace in this town that Theo doesn’t even blink twice when Derek Hale, another alpha, introduces him to Liam Wolf at Sinema one night. What does surprise him, however, is his immediate and intense attraction to the other man and the realisation that Liam is his mate. Liam's only been a werewolf for four years, having been taken in by Scott and the rest of his pack, but he's been fitting in just fine. Working as an escort under Scott is certainly no hardship, and with his blue eyes and cheeky smile, he's never had to try all that hard to pull new clients. Liam is out with Derek when he introduces him to Theo. He's definitely attracted to the young alpha; Theo's hot and rich, what's not to like? But the name Theo Raeken always seems to be followed by whispers of some unspeakable event, of a past marred in ambiguity. What happened five years ago and why does it still have such a profound effect on the LA packs? A Peek Inside: His gaze was drawn up, to where a balcony hovered over the dance floor. It was hard to see past the lights, but he was pretty sure there was a dark figure shadowed behind them. As Liam squinted up there, he was left with the distinct impression that the man was looking at him as well. He didn’t know why. It was just a feeling shivering down his spine.

those who wait by LovelyLittleGrim (Explicit | Complete | 6.7K) Tags; Dark, manipulation, claiming, biting, smut, alpha Theo Summary: Theo finally gets what he's always wanted. A Peek Inside: Theo breathes in, Liam’s scent surrounds him. The smell of arousal and need fade, turn into something bitter with worry. He closes his eyes and waits, lets his heartbeat settle into something neutral and thinks carefully about everything he had thought out two days prior. All the words in all the right order, in all the right places. All the looks; downcast eyes, trembling fingers—everything that would build the perfect lie.

Sculpture In Briefs by saawinchester (Explicit | Complete | 20K) Tags: Alpha Theo, enemies to lovers, smut, underage Summary: Liam’s parents left him the house and very little cash before they scurried away to go live their life of adventure. Forced to be independent too soon, Liam had to look for a means to pay the bills, keep himself in school and put food on his table. That leads to him displaying his body for people to drool or ogle at while he swerves to the music and for the right price- get to touch. Of course none of his schoolmates and pack members know about his late night activities. Enter the ever inquisitive Theo Raeken who comes into the picture with his flirty smirk, stupid perfect hair and hypnotic hazel eyes. Liam never hesitated to show his dislike for the other werewolf. Not even when Theo Raeken gets to discover his night job and….. pays for a lap dance? A Peek Inside: Theo’s eyes flickered up to the exotic dancer seeing sweat shine along his body as he swayed sexily to the current beat. Now that he was close, an inkling of familiarity was starting to simmer within him. Like he had seen those muscles flex before and that……scent…..apricot….No. His eyes dropped down to the right side of the gorgeous dancers hip and there it was… .just peaking out of seams of the underwear was a little red heart tattoo. He gasped as the dancer swerved to face him, oblivious to his presence….Liam Dunbar.

[helltalia-inc]

RULES + LIST OF CHALLENGES

RULES 

1. Pick a challenge from the List of Challenges;

2. Create whatever you want, as you want;

3. Use the tag #helltalia-inc and @ with the name of the page;

4. And don’t forget to have fun!

Not that hard, right?

 More info:

· There are no language barriers here, so feel free to use the language that you feel the most comfortable to express yourself;

· Bad behavior will not be tolerated;

· Feel free to use any characters and any ships;

· Take attention to tag your ships, any warming or triggering content;

· And for the last, but not least… support the “CONTENT CREATORS”!

 LIST OF CHALLENGES

(This list will be updated occasionally. Feel free to search for the number of the challenges, for example like #1, or #20, I made sure to tag every work with the number of the challenge. So, if you want to see the works related to each challenge, you just have to search in the page by the number. And, of course, feel free to use the challenges to inspire your future works.)

 1. Favorite Character

2. Egg Themed

3. Books + Favorite Trio

4. Your living country + his national flower

5. Crossing the line with the Star Wars Universe

6. Pajama Party + Female Characters Only

7. Revenge the Hetavision

8. Wedding dress

9. Child’s Day

10. Recycle, Reduce, Reutilize

11. Nordics appreciation challenge

12. LGBT Respect Day

13. “If you meant it, kiss me”

(Just to record it: starting from here, it was added as option, the “challenge quote”) 

14. National Animal + The Country where you live / “No matter where I go, my heart will always be yours”

15. Healthy Food Habits/ “But loving you had consequences”

16. World Day of Friendship/ “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone had good taste.”

17. REVENGE FIFATALIA/ “I’m so sick of lying. I have to tell you…”

18. ROCK IN HETALIA / “the music is the language of feelings”

19. Stuck on a desert island/ “I’m so sorry I kissed you, my mouth just slipped”  

20. ICE CREAM AND WATERMELON/ ”I wouldn’t do that if I were you”  

21. Pirate and Mermaids AU/ “That’s the summer when we first met”  

22. Aquarium park / “It is easier to pretend we are strong; it is much harder to admit we are weak; a true friend, by loving every part of us, teaches us to love our weaknesses”

23. Crossover with one of your favorite movies / “The two of us, we’re the best kind of disaster. Apples and oranges. Well, more like apples and machetes.”

24. Alice in the Wonderland AU / “I really did think you were cute when you were jealous.”

25. Improvised Olympic Games out of Season/ “I’d find you whenever you were.”

26. Ancients Countries Appreciation Challenge / “Chaos isn’t meant to be understood”

27. University AU / “Never say “Goodbye””

28. Color’ (or body or personality) swap / “Puns are the highest form of literature.”

29. Crossover with Sesame Street or The Muppets / “I’ve missed you. But it seems like you’re not happy to see me.”

30. Alter Ego AU / “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have even come here tonight.”

31. Your favorite writer + his respective nation / “I wanted to end the world, but I’ll settle for ending yours.”

32. Candle in the dark / “I’m pregnant”

33. Orchestra AU / “You can run, but you can’t escape”

34. Trapped in a maze / “Can you keep a secret?”

35. Wingtalia / “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off”

36. Space, stars, moon / “You’re better than you think.”

37. Villain AU / “I don’t want to sleep alone today. Will you sleep with me?”

38. African nations / “You promised that we would always be together… now, how I’m supposed to live without you?”

39. Love potion / "We didn't realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun"

40. Treasure hunt / “The only thing you’re good at is fake crying”

41. Asian nations / “You can see me?”

42. National desert / “Nice try. Better luck next time”

43. Death note AU / “How long will you keep me waiting?”

44. Kabedon / “What is your problem?”  

45. Siblings / “Don’t just say nice things, give me advice.”

46. The 7 deadly sins / “Take that stupid grin off your face”

47. Reincarnation AU / “We have only one chance at life. And I want to live a life with no regrets.”

48. Autumn / “You said I could do whatever I wanted.”

49. Red apple / “I want to crush anyone who dares to touch you. I want to hide you, monopolize you.”

50. Hot chocolate / “It’s too late now.”

51. Tarot Cards / “Take your hands off of me.”

52. Summon Demons /”Have I done something wrong?”

53. Ouija / “That’s the one thing I regret the most in my life.”

54. Underworld / “If you want, we could swap secrets.”

55. Supernatural creatures / “Close your eyes and listen carefully.”

56. Hunter / “Even though it isn’t a big deal now, it will be later.”

57. Shadow / “You helped me become who I am.”

58. Bloody sunset / “If you took well care of it from the beginning, then none of this would’ve happened.”

59. Ghost mansion / ”What the hell do you want from me?”

60. Mysterious box / “It’s not extreme, it’s the most effective way.”

61. Scream / “What makes you think I’ve changed?”

62. Evil laugh / “I thought I knew you better than this...”

63. Superstition / “There are times when it’s dangerous to approach something or someone when you don’t have sufficient knowledge about them.”

64. Roses / ”My understanding is that faith is something that one builds up through actions.”

65. Destiny / “I don’t want to live like that.”

66. Coincidence / “Growth always follows hardship.”

67. Broken heart / “They want me to find happiness more than anyone else.”

68. The wedding day / “You don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

69. Slow dance / “It’s better to spend the rest of my lifetime alone, than being stupid and crying over someone who broke my trust.”

70. By my side / “Time flew by.”

71. Holding hands / “I gave you a chance to pretend that nothing happened.”

72. Friendzone / “I won’t run away this time.”

72. Rejection / “Sorry, I let my emotions get the best of me.”

73. Forever alone / “If they’re your friends, they’ll understand and be happy for you. Just like how you were for them.”

74. BDSM / “Whatever you choose, I’ll respect your decision.”

75. Dirty talking / “You’re just taking advantage of the people around you.”

76. Love letter / “Money and Status... you’re nothing without those things.”

77. First love / “Seeing you happy means the world to me.”

78. First time / “Friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest, it’s about who came and never left.”

79. Crush / “I’m in a threesome with anxiety and depression.”

80. Decorations / “Just fantasizing about it isn’t enough for me.”

81. Presents / “You just have to work hard to turn it into a reality.”

82. Traditions / “Anger cannot be dishonest.”

83. Family Dinner / “Relationships are like glass, sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than trying to hurt yourself putting it back together.”

84. Friends / “I’m glad I at least left an impression on you. Though apparently, it’s a negative one.”

85. Figure skating / “The mirror is my best friend because when I cry it doesn’t laugh.”

86. Snowboard / “The saddest people have the brightest smile.”

87. Ski / “I don’t think we wasted a single second.”

88. Hockey / “I wish I knew I was in the good old days before they became the good old days.”

89. Snow globe / “Those who are already dead don’t care about those who are still alive.”

90. Acts of kindness / “People only listen and believe in what they think is entertaining.”

91. Aurora Borealis / “If this is for the best.”

92. Church bell / “The more envy you show, the worse you look.”

93. The little match girl / “Whatever you do, I’ll never be disappointed in you.”

94. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star / “When people brag so openly about their past, if often means, that they have nothing to brag about now.”

95. Heart made of ice / “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

96. Message on a bottle / “I never truly fell in love with anyone.”

97. Bubbles / “This is all very suspicious... extremely suspicious.”

98. End of the world / “I was afraid kindness would make me weak.”

99. Halloween dolls / “No hard feelings but I hate you.”

100. Redemption / “I should apologize for this. But I won’t.”

101. Femme fatale / “Do you think you can handle it?”

102. (more challenges will be added eventually. If you want, send your challenge’ suggestions to the Ask Box)

 Note: Most of the quotes aren’t mine and have no source.

[wot-tidbits]

RJ’s notes Part 74 by Matt Hatch

The notes on Moiraine!

BOX 20, Folder 2, pp. 13-14

Notes from the White Goddes for us in the Wheel of Time

Moiraine: the woman wielder of power who searches out Rhys al’Thor. (Moraine Sidhe)

BOX 24, Folder 1, p.15

Notes on the White Goddes

If Moiraine is at some point (not in the first book) made into a crone by the powers of Sha’tan, she could fit into the maiden-moter-hag trio.

BOX 24, Folder 1, p p.1-2

Nynaeve contrives to have Moiraine imprisoned below ground, apparently slain. She is actually trapped halfway between life and death.

The truth of the origins of the Aiel is revealed, creating a rift in the Aiel. Some try to go back to the ancient ways, believing this must be done. Others are furious, raging against Rand as a false leader and traitor.

Lan’s love for Nynaeve makes him break from Moiraine and brings him into conflict with Rand, into open opposition. (??) He will flee to become a hermit, though he wil return for the final battle (??)

Having finally conquered and bound Shai’tan, Rand thinks to disappear, faking his own death. Moiraine, Elayne, Equene, and others of his closest friends are among those who are not fooled and will not let him go alone.

BOX 24, Folder 1, p.1

Notes on course of books

All of this is merely possibility

Book Two Rand continues at first to deny being the Dragon. He also attempts to refrain from using the Power. Through a series of adventures, however, he is drawn once more into the conflict against Sha’tan. It is revealed that the attempt against the Eye of the World had been made to draw out the Dragon Reborn, to force him to reveal himself before he knew how to wield Power. Again Rand is victorious against the forces of evil, though again the price is high. Nyneve disappears in a fashion that makes it certain she has been slain. Rand still does not believe that he is the Dragon Reborn, but he becomes convinced that it is necessary for him to play the part to the best of his ability. Grimly he return to follow Moiraine’s way. He finds her waiting on the dock, knowing that he is coming.

BOX 24, Folder 1, pp.1

Random notes on the course of the Wheel of Time

(??) Moiraine will ascend to the Amyrlin Seat. (??)

Nyneve will at some point after Moiraine takes the Amyrlin Seat seemingly slay Moiraine, or cause Moiraine’s death. This should involve something about a cave. In fact, Moiraine will be trapped halfway between life and death. She will eventually be able to return to the world of men, or be brought back. Whether this is an actual rebirth, or whether she returns in some fashion other than as a living, breathing human is yet to be decided.

Unknown (Orig. BOX 28, Folder 1) p.6

Book one: the Eye of the World

Because of the danger Moiraine gets Lan to teach the young men something of defending themselves. Rand is one of those who shows a great deal of natural ability, but though he has helped fight off wolves attacking Tam’s sheep (he has twice killed a wolf with his bow and driven off many others) the idea of actually striking a person with a weapon makes him a little ill. Striking the beast-men is something else again, and he, as well as most of the other village boys, become enamoured of the idea of becoming Warders like Lan. Moiraine not only encourages them, she is ready to bond all of them on the spot. Only angry protests from Lan and Nyneve stop her.

BOX 45, Folder 1, p.2

The Great Hunt

WHERE TO PUT IN?: Moiraine has/develops a theory about why there are so few suitable girls found for training. Three thousand years of hunting men who could channel (hunting in various intensity depending on the period of history), they are culling the herd, so to speak, cutting out the breeding stock and destroying it.

Remember to use the flower-type analogy (unfolding, etc.) when Moiraine reaches out for the Power in her POV.

Nynaeve would wonder about Moiraine’s disappearance, about that is happening with Rand and the others, and also (probably reluctantly) about Lan (ring). She would be disconcerted that events have gotten so far out of the control. Rand/others off the Light alone knows where. Nothing she can do to help them. She and Egwene among so many Aes Sedai. Blames it all on Moiraine, though part of her knows that Rand’s plight, at least, is not entirely Moiraine’s fault.

(NOTE: Moiraine’s original plan, now in abeyance if not entirely abandoned, was to put Min close to Rand as the Dragon Reborn to help him by “reading” people with whom he had to deal.)

Nynaeve Unconsciously, a good part of her anger at Moiraine is as much for her having Lan as for what Nynaeve perceives as the harm she has done Rand, Mat and Perrin.

BOX 45, Folder 1, p.8

The Great Hunt

Thom returns. Reluctantly to talk to/with Rand. Affectionate with girl? ?Disgusted comment about new-fangled players? Send the girl off. Though she wants to be a gleeman, he thinks that life is not for a woman. Training her to be a bard, since women bards are not unheard of. Finally wants to know if Rand still with that Aes Sedai, Moiraine. Thom finds Moiraine a fine figure of a woman, but of course, Aes Sedai are not be trusted in his view.

?Somewhere, talk about Thom’s relationship with Morgase?

Thom says Myddraal not interested in him; went after Rand and Mat a soon as it could get loose from Thom. Thom went on as far as Caemlyn, discovered from Master Gill that they had hooked up with Moiraine again and taken off, and so decided he was out of it.

BOX 45, Folder 2

TDR notes on individuals

Moiraine: Her goal is to bring the Dragon Reborn to his full power, to battle the Dark One in the Last Battle, and she is willing to sweep aside just about anything else to achieve this. She is aware, however, that sweeping aside too much can be as bad as defeat.

Unknown (BOX 28, Folder 1), p.29

Individuals

Rand chomps at the bit; he doesn’t want to be the Dragon Reborn, wants nothing less than to go down out of the mountains and set himself up to lead an army in a war, yet because he wants not to, and because he sees it as his duty, he pushes himself to do it. Moiraine manages again and again to turn him from it with talk of plans; if he rides out without proper plans, he will invite death and defeat, and worse, the eventual victory of the Dark One. Lan spits out the planning, but Rand grows ever more impatient. 

(Moiraine’s real plan with respect to Rand is no plan. He is ta’veren, shaper of the Pattern yet woven to a tighter line in the Pattern than other men. The Pattern itself will force him into action. SURELY SHE MUST HAVE SOME PLAN BEYOND THIS.)

BOX 44, Folder 2

AMOL Outline

The confrontation takes place just short of the Blight below Tarwin’s Gap, and for a time it seems the Last Battle might be fought there between these two sides. A combination of things stop this from happening: Rand’s ta’veren effect, the desperation of the Borderland rulers who are ready to try anything, and the report by Seanchan scouts on raken that hordes of Trollocs are moving against them from every direction. But the tipping point is certainly Moiraines words in support of Rand. Her words break the alliance that had risen up against Rand, and the “force of good become totally united against the force of the Dark One.

BOX 57, Folder 1

Aes Sedai, Accpeted, and Novices

Damodred, Moiraine: 13 (1),  ~700, reduced to 66/54, 250-260 …………… “She saw that a man she did not recognize (Moridin) came to see her in her captivity and said she was the wrong one, it must be the other.” “(The Eelfinn) have been rummaging through her experiences, making her relive them in the form of dreams that seem like real life, raping her mind in effect. They concentrated on things that engendered strong emotions, whether love or hate or fear of whatever, so long as it is strong. The point is to feed off the engendered emotion. When repetition dulls the emotion, they would alter the events to make the emotions strong again. They always made these changes in slow increments, just enough to strengthen the emotion again without wasting any. Example: Lan dumped in the pond, first just as it really happened, then he became rougher at it until (he) beat her first, and she was so shocked she could not channel; then he made love to her; then he raped her; the she killed him. Slow progressions through possibilities, however improbable they were in reality, just so long as they intensify the emotions. They could not introduce things outside of her memory – for example, somebody she has never seen – but anything in there already could be rearranged any way they wanted. Example: she could as a grown woman watch her mother (dead before she reached adulthood) plot and execute the murder of her father (who died in battle when she was a child) with a collection of people glimpsed during her travels. There have also been periods where she was brought back to consciousness. Awareness of what is happening also increases the emotional aspects. This is the same thing that was done to Lanfear, until she was “rescued” by Moridin/Ishamael. Moiraine doesn’t know what happened to Lanfear. When they passed through the doorframe ter’angreal, she only clung to consciousness long enough to know that they had both passed through, that the doorfame was burning. When she woke, she was floating in air, and they were explaining to her what was going to happen. To heighten her emotions. She believes she had relived a number of incidents for them before that. While floating she could not speak. One set of memories never had to be heightened or changed. Memories of Thom always produced as strong an emotion every time, just as they were. She thinks they are what have kept her sane. She is surprised that years have not passed. One consequence of what was done to her is the erosion of her ability to channel. With the bracelet angreal, she is stronger than she was before, as strong as Nynaeve, true “Forsaken class”. Without it, she has so little ability left, that if she had come to the Tower that way, the would have taught her enough to be safe and hustled her out before her feet had more than touched down. Without it, it is an effort for her to light a candle; she can pick up a book with effort, but the blow she could deliver would be lighter than her arm could give. She hopes that Lanfear is still somewhere there, undergoing the same fate, or at least that she underwent it long enough to suffer the consequences she herself has. She will recall that once she was brought back to consciousness to find a man there (Ishamael, though she doesn’t know it, already as Moridin), apparently young, tall, muscular, beautifully handsome. She was not the woman the wanted. He wasn’t interested in her at all, and he seemed irritated at having his time wasted, impatient. She was returned to the “sleep” in moments, but she recalls his appearance very clearly; he frightened her for some reason, and maybe because he was part of her memory, as was her fear of him, the snakes(?)/foxes(?) incorporated him into her dreams when they went to making things more complicated for her. The reinforcement, plus the things done in those particular dreams, have increased that fear to the point where she shivers thinking of him and her teeth might chatter if she saw him in the flesh.

SOURCE

[sleepynegress]

Spoiler-Filled Reaction to the 1st Ep of TFATWS: ‘New World Order’ ...

Okay, so I may switch up and do weekly recaps via audio. Either way, I’m getting something out before the weekend is up... Still!...  It’s a been a few days, so I can go a bit more in depth with my thoughts on that pilot ep.

~ So, that opening was quiet and down-to-earth. For me, it was hammering home not only the humbleness of Sam (despite the bravado, the man is naive in his optimism and *not* superpowered), but being stuck in his initial thoughts about the shield.   ...That it didn’t feel like it belonged to him. Sam’s personality, has been established as super-loyal and almost childlike in his feelings that things will work out and doing the right thing because it’s right (which is why he didn’t get paid enough BTW naive pride). 

-which comes into play w/ his conflict w/ his sister later... I’ll come back to that.

~ We jump into a dangerous mission that shows off Falcon’s personality. He’s gonna get it done with style and optimism even when working with equipment that needs a few updates.  The stunt coordination here was fantastic!  I legit whewed! aloud at Balroc paragliding into *multiple* helicopters... Sam’s hair-pin turns milimeters from canyon rock, propellers, and rockets... ~ I *loved* Torres’ fanboying. It felt like a parallel to Sam fanboying Cap, in CA:WS and evoked the well-established superhero trope of a person *marveling* aloud at what you’re doing making it so. much. cooler. (as an oldhead, the random black dude emoting about Superman’s suit after he comes out of a phonebooth, in the Reeves movie, is my earliest memory of this trope). ~ Then we see the Tunisia titlecard, which yea! it didn’t just say Africa, but ehh, once again “yellow tint” is code for “exotic” country full of brown people. It did cut through the typically more alt-right-tinged military propaganda w/ the Tunisian man thanking Sam for saving his wife, the bare minimum of humanization... but it saved the scene from just “backdropping” the people/culture w/o any humanity, at all, as is typical... That and the way these two BIPOC spoke to one another (there is a certain kind of rapport we non-white folk have w/ each other) was my first hint...that this showrunner ain’t a white dude. The joking about him knowing Arabic...like cheering/teasing when we show our range to one another.  Mainly, this interaction was to show that Sam is to Torres what Steve was to Sam in some ways...with a bit more “brazen kid” on Torres’ part, along w/ introing the idea of the Flagsmashers. ~ Then, naive Sam decides to donate the shield to the Smithsonian...because he doesn’t feel like he’s earned it and because in his mind it still belongs to Cap and because he’s out here trusting this governement even after all the B.S. he’s done lived through.  Even Rhodey was having his doubts... Maybe being around during the blip makes a person more savvy and cynical, IDK. ~ So, then we see Buck in therapy and since I’ve been through trauma, I know that mindset.  Sticking to routine is a big “win”.  Not really caring about anything beyond the bare essentials (yall saw that man’s apartment). And the feeling of being displaced would be amplified by the fact that this man is more so than anyone who has existed(!).  ~ I noticed that Seb leaned into his Rom-Merican accent, which was a great acting choice, it evokes his sense of having traveled without a solid sense of self in a place, because he was essentially, asleep all those decades, while the brainwashed aspect of himself was enslaved to Hydra. I LOVE his therapist.   Fannishness for a cute guy, means a lot of people don’t like her being “mean” to him... But I’mma tell you, as someone who actually has been in therapy for a good bit, you *need* someone who will call you on your bullshit so you can properly work on it.  I love that she’s also a vet and there’s nothing cutesy and coddling in a male-gazey sexy or motherly way. She’s doing her fucking job and not letting his ass slide. To me, that read as a hat-tip to a woman drecting this. So, we see Buck manifest his trauma w/ profound discomfort in his own skin.  He doesn’t know how to interact anymore, how to swagger in this strange time and place (because dude had all kinds of 1940′s swagger and juice back in CA:TFA) So, he’s just awkwardly honest, and beating himself up for that. But... he’s still alive, so he totally perked up in the presence of this attractive server and Yori notices and like so many old people, just busted his chops and skipped all the what he wasn’t gonna do and did it for him, w/ Leah’s confidant acceptance -ahhh, I luv her!- as an assist. ~ Then we flip back to Sam in Delacroix and we meet his sister and his nephews and his community(!) which really nails down Sam the man, the person, the human apart from his underwritten assists to the Avengers. We see that Sarah knows and loves this naively optimistic ‘I will find a way to fix it because it’s the right thing to do’ hard-headed brother.... but good-God! he doesn’t know shit about real-world day-to-day struggle... If you’ve seen Anthony Mackie in The Hurt Locker... one of the big themes explored, is how tough it is for vets who have been through explosions and firefights in another country... to adjust to day-to-day struggle in “normal life”. THAT is what Buck’s therapist was calling out when she said BULLSHIT to him saying he wanted peace (lol, no he doesn’t, like Sam he wants that righeous kind of adrenalin only being in action for “good” gives) and what Sarah is frustrated w/ is regarding him not understanding or respecting the kind of struggle she had to deal w/. ~ As an aside I *loved* her *nose-scratch* “Can I talk to you for a minute??” Whew! That is a black-ass way to let you know someone is pissed w/ you and wants to hash all the shit out. That’s why Sam avoided it, lol... ~ So, the date with Leah, who does all the right things...Goes terribly, because Buck is still too deep in his trauma focus on anything about how great she is.   Note, that just about everything that happened on that date reminded him of aspects of his trauma to the point where Buck, (being an absolute dick!) just fucking, walks out on her!!  I NEED her to chew his ass out for that and I need him to *not* be able to make it up to her (and I’d also love some fanfic, where Buck actually does *ahem* treat her well... I know Asian women be shorted in fanfic too!) ~ So, he goes to Yori’s apartment and stares like an obvious knucklehead (still dealing w/ being stuck in his trauma) at the alter to the man who was just in the way of that brainwashed aspect of himself, pays for the lunch and walks off...AND, NOTE!!  YORI DID NOTICE ALL THIS. So, this will eventually come to a head...yikes! ~ Then we’re back to Sam, and Sarah who tries to have that talk, but old boy ain’t trying to hear it. Insisting that he’s the man to swoop in and save the boat and the business *sigh* by some magic (hanging with magical beings...will do that, I guess). And Sarah smartly is just frustrated and skeptical, but lets him go on and try and fail in the same ways she already did so. many. times... in those five years. ~ And then we see bb Torres being brazen kid stupid amateur spy w/ the Flagsmashers. I honestly thought old masked dude stomped him to death, at first... The camera pan showed the cliched dead-man pose, after all.  I guess he pulled that (super!)stomp, which means... Flagsmashers aren’t the lethal villians here IMO.   I think they escaped from the *real* villian. ~ And then comes some real world racist bullshit... This scene at the bank *nails* a particular kind of frustratingly infuriating racism that is common. Where they will act like they are doing you a favor because they like and want something from you... but still won’t serve you in the same way they would a white person. It’s this strange willfullly “I like you negroes, you entertain me! -but fuck you -but I still like you!” patronizing thing that we know all too well. *whew!* That was real. And then that heartbreaking scene where after Sarah rightly told-ya-so’s.  -Sam is working on that mess of an engine and reality *finally* sets in when the key  didn’t even attempt to turnover.

~ Then Torres messages Sam (and he’s alive!) and we all know Sam knows these Flasgsmashers got super-serum, but isn’t saying. Even TORRES knows (bless his heart). ~ And from there we go straight to the U.S. government rubbing salty dirt in Sam’s wound with the new/fake Cap holding the shield aloft and winking like “It’s mine now, bitch!”. ---And the credits, I won’t get into except to say if you want ALL the spoilers in the credits, watch that linked video, I posted earlier. But they are SIGNIFICANT spoilers.

[necroalx]

My problem with P5R new ending (spoilers)

I’ve been asked in my curiouscat about why I have problems with P5R ending a bunch of times by now, and honestly, I can't really put it in a way that wouldn't sound personal since my dislike over the matter comes from a personal appreciation of how the themes were handled in both versions.

With that being said feel free to ignore my POV:

First I would like to mention the things I loved about P5R (with spoilers ahead):

-The gameplay improvements were just perfect.

-Akechi's character arc was top notch for me, exactly what I wanted from him and I feel very satisfied with his new interactions.

-Sumire characterization during the first 8 ranks of her confidant were pretty cool.

-The individualization of the thieves until December, I loved the showtime attacks If anything I would have wanted they added more of those between more of the thieves too.

-Maruki is an incredibly well written character and Daiki Itoh's direction for relatable antagonists shines through him, he was really what P5 needed, the timing of the new semester events may be debatable for me, but I loved everything about him.

-Also loved Jose even we didn't get that much of him.

-The final boss fight was amazing!

Anyway My problem with the P5R ending is (Also, obvious spoilers for P5 and P5R):

-Retroactively diminishes the meaning of the original ending:

P5 vanilla original ending was in a way, the ultimate message about changing the world in the most healthy way possible, seeing it as the way it should be FIRST.

There were theories about this being an altered reality, and this is proven right by the events of the last semester in P5R.Also, with the mere existence of the events of P5R new content, the original ending becomes now an inconclusive story. Which makes it ultimately a lessened ending, because "this isn't the way the story should end".

-The theme of rebellion against an unjust society gets pointlessly messy and lost in transition:

Yes, I get the subject of facing reality is a way more important topic and way more down to earth, the thieves disbanding the way they did and going their own separate ways is indeed thematically fitting and shows some growth coming from their experiences in the new semester. Still, the game being written by a different person, plus having a scenery of "kids dreaming about their perfect world given to them by a overprotective father figure" seems to in a way tarnish and overwrite their experiences gained through the whole story.

I understand this is not the message meant to be conveyed by this new ending. I know and for sure love that in Royal the thieves don't exist just for Joker's sake was their whole characters aren't defined just by his actions anymore. BUT with those things mentioned above, all these change feels like a "correction" made to express how "japanese societal expectations were ultimately right all along things are not always like how we want and you have to deal with that" instead of the original ending's more positive outlook towards the future, that's now seen as a naive handled view of how things should be, and ultimately as I mentioned before, inconclusive.

Things are clear in that regard for me, (In the original, without Maruki's existence in the plot, the thieves were granted a world were they could do "whatever they wanted", between the limits of their own cognitive knowledge of how the world worked, after defeating Yaldabaoth and getting the holy grail treasure to basically "grant them that wish" as a reward after the fusion between mementos and the real world is finished. In P5R new ending, the change is made evident by having Morgana not steal the plug from the man in black chasing the thieves Van and the thieves not taking Joker home in the new ending to give the "more realistic" approach to that matter.)

This conclusion couldn't exist until P5R came out. Since now the entirety of the new Semester concept lies on the basis that the Phantom Thieves subconsciously granted Maruki his power and caused the whole "actualization event" through wishing someone could make those ideal realities for them, with Maruki being the only one capable of seeing the world the way they would've wanted to be because of their interactions with him. I actually give them credit for this since this is a brilliant detail and makes his tragic antagonistic role even more appealing.

But that leads me to my real and biggest problem with P5R new ending:

-The phantom thieves becoming secondary characters after being the main characters and vehicles to the story in the original game and through the 80% of P5R's story.Now people would call Kasumi waifu bait and other things, hell, even I memed about it before, the reality is, she's the most important tool Itoh and the new writers used to built this new ending, she is the most important character (besides Maruki himself obviously) to make the player empathize with Maruki's motives and actions, she is a victim of her circumstances just like the rest and she's "rescued" by this overprotective father figure character found in Maruki, but he was taking away her freedom as a consequence, thus making her relevant to the game's theme of rebellion. But then she faces that reality and she has to grow out of it by... "insert Itoh favorite writing trope of the protagonist beating the crap out of the heroine to make her come back to her senses" (Same thing he did with Marie in golden). Which is ok I guess, it can be a forgivable writing sin since the built to this was pretty well done. But then... there's nothing.Kasumi is presented and forced into scenes and moments so the player realizes "this character is important, more important than the rest" from very early on, it goes from scene to scene while the original events of the vanilla game still happen, and she was not the only one of coruse, Joker Akechi and Kasumi having their little arcs separated from the rest of the cast was obviously building towards something. But then going against everything Joker did in the original game, (and through 80% of P5R since those events are still in the game obviously) he chose both Kasumi and Akechi (twice in his case) over his other friends. Yes, the thieves were trapped on their fake realities, yes they came to the rescue in the end FOR Joker. But at this point they were: Not fully aware of who Kasumi really was and her involvement with these developments, not aware of the alliance between Joker and Crow, not aware of the weird palace that's been there the whole time. ALL because Joker and Mona kept these things secret from the rest, why? What's the sound logic behind this? Why would Joker not trust his friends with such important information after all they went through? Why are they reduced to convenient sidekicks after they saved his life and proved themselves capable of doing the impossible when they all decided to work together? Why? It makes no sense. They all have been through so much with him, just days before they all were inside the velvet room alongside Joker, finding out about his most intimate aspect and sharing an irreplaceable moment of realization and conviction of together. Just for them to become anticlimactically trapped on their dream worlds and completely forgetting about Joker and their true bond with him. Sure they come back to their senses AFTER Joker triggers their true memories with some words, but this SHOULDN'T have happened after all they went through after their fight with Yaldabaoth. Call it bad timing in the writing sense, but it was a testament of how separated they become from their original role in the new story, all for the sake of these new additions. And still, we can ignore that, I can see over that and say "well it's the ultimate tentation they were never tested through", but here's were the problem lies, besides the fact of Joker never telling his friends about the things I mentioned before, he is now a fully self insert character, when 80% of the original story (which is just the vanilla game honestly) he was written as Joker being his own entity, with his own sense of justice very clearly defined and a focus towards his friends as his most precious part of his life. This is suddenly thrown to the garbage in the new semester.

Why? Because now the player has to make a choice that the original Joker wouldn't make in the original, chose Akechi over the other phantom thieves. It honestly feels like a huge regression.Don't get me wrong, I appreciate Akechi's new confidant and his amazing dynamic with Joker being exploited the best way possible. I do, I am a fan of Akechi's character archetype and his characterization in both vanilla and his new scenes in royal. I am a sucker for antagonistic villainous characters getting a proper redemption arc in convincing ways. But the price was too high for my liking.

By the price I mean; You literally CAN'T get the new TRUE (complete) ending without choosing to keep your promise with Akechi, which means, you can't see the full extent of the story conclusion, Maruki's and Kasumi's arcs won't get any closure and you will only get a now "diminished" ending (the vanilla original ending), if you don't chose to keep your promise with Akechi. A "personal" promise and one you never told your friends about. The worst part of this decision is, the whole reason Joker and Akechi's dynamic works so well is because they were originally written as pretty oposite characters with their own unique distinguished quirks morals AND sense of justice. But then, suddenly, at the climax of the story, Joker is just a self insert blank state? That just does not work.

As for Sumire, once she's brought back and awakens again, her character arc ends, she becomes just another sidekick like the rest of the thieves, which makes all the built her character was used for... what? It's not really pointless, since it brings the story to this point, but what's left for her? What's her role now? She goes back to being Kasumi in the metaverse and the optional aspect of her confidant makes this transition to her going back to being Sumire feel kind of ambiguous and also inconclusive. Yes I know she is honoring the memory of her sister and that she has accepted her reality, that's true, but the development comes to a sudden turn when she suddenly becomes just another one in the crew behind Goro and Joker. All the phantom thieves had their roles cleared out beforehand soon after their insertion arcs were finished, Ann was the conscience of the team, always asking "are we doing the right thing?" Yusuke was the same, always second guessing every choice with a worst case scenario since as he said in his awakening "in order to see true authenticity, one has to be dispassionately realistic", Ryuji was always the one going for it and wanting things getting done he's the focus, Makoto is the advisor, so she became the clear headed tactician, Futaba was the tool device, she became the medium to the ends always finding ways to work around towards their goals, Mona is the heart and the hope representing their wish to inspire society through their actions, Haru was the kindness, a reminder of what are they trying to inspire and a source of tolerance the thieves were missing until she joined in. Sumire was... what? This honestly bothered me, made me feel the whole journey was just a bad joke, because now not only the phantom thieves were reduced to mere sidekicks, so was the one character with most promise in the story while Goro became the player's beating husband through Joker, a testament of the choice he made of choosing the image they made the player have of Akechi, the one person Joker couldn't save, the one who's beyond saving at thins point over the friends and family he did saved. By the way, as contradictory as it may sound, I loved the twist, having Akechi's life depending on the final choice for true freedom, it was clever, it added the right heart wrenching moment right before the climax, what I didn't like was how clear it was made at this point how little the other thieves mattered. Why? Have the phantom thieves ever sent a calling card without having giving their full agreement? Especially when a new important development could come up from their actions at the last moment? Not until this point, Goro's life was on the line here, he was an ally now, he was a phantom thief member, they all agreed to this. But were they informed of this last minute development by Joker, you know, so they could all agree to what was the right thing to do like they all had swear to do every time? No, because Joker made that decision himself, because all that mattered was the player decision the self insert decision. Hell not even a cheap text group chat scene, nothing.You can say "this is a personal thing between Joker and Goro and a personal choice for Akechi". Well sure, yet they were all about to put their lives at risk for this, like they've been doing this whole time. They would've argued they deserved to know this, even if they had reached the same conclusion at the end, but with this, in a story that focuses so much on details, whatever oath the phantom thieves had before this, became meaningless. The player can once again just like with Yaldabaoth chose to ruin everyone's chance for true freedom by choosing a selfish self inserted reasoning out of the blue to get a "bad end". Honestly, I also felt the original bad end in vanilla P5 was bad but this? This was worst, this took things to another level, sure the angst was well written and the suffering masked behind this fake happiness was very clever, but its also so cheapened because at this point, why would the player care about those other characters if you make this choice? They were sidelined so bad that their "happiness" becomes just flavor to the story and to be honest, the good decision was just as selfish because of this. I have no problems with the final boss fight, it was honestly amazing and almost made me forget all that happened before when I first played it because it was just so over the top and emotional, I honestly loved it. But then comes the final cut-scenes. Skip Joker going back to prison (why even bother with that though? He literally went just for 10 days and every value of the sacrifice he made in the original was now lost because of the new semester events), skip the the decisions the thieves made about their futures, their display of individuality was great but they don't matter at this point anyway. And here's the final insult, yes I am salty because the "main party" didn't take Joker home, but not because they didn't go through the action of taking him home, but because they weren't really doing anything relevant if anything at all after being the main characters the whole game (except for the new semester) No closure for them just quirkiness and flavor for the sake of a "reality" based message, felt cheap and dismissive, like someone not wanting to go through the trouble of writing something for characters they didn't create or even like. Why did I called the P5R ending lazy you ask? Because they didn't bother making an ending at all, but just to rewrite the original in a way the message of "reality" is settled over, sure their individuality is highlighted by not taking joker home and them being focused on their own different things on their lives, but so they were in the original, this ending and them being sent away was made at the price of the relevance of the thieves bonds with Joker once again, I would've been ok if we at least got to see more of THEM as individuals through the ending or even just as a group, hell this was the final time we'll see them and they were our most precious allies, maybe give us some time with them for the sake of the experiences we had, they did that with Golden's epilogue after all, why not here? But instead, we just see them just go around town being quirky and sneaky distracting the corrupt policemen while Joker gets his new cut-scenes goodbyes with the new characters in the game, because they deserve closure as well for sure, yet they do so over the others? In my opinion, at this point, no. But they did just that, they declared with this change that, the phantom thieves members weren't needed and their futures and story were irrelevant, it was all about Joker, Goro, Maruki and Kasumire, the rest were just sidekicks and these scenes were more important so the player can get what happens to these new favorites, all at the price of the original team relevance. That, was my problem with the new ending. Of course I'm happy to know about their futures and choices through the credits, but that's just lazy, they were more relevant than that in the original, but now they're just afterthoughts shown through credit scenes. No relevance whatsoever in their final moments in this story. It certainly hurt seeing them being this diminished after the original made me care about these characters so much.You can say to me "well, there's still the vanilla ending for you" but no, I said it before, retroactively that ending has become irrelevant and inconclusive, which means this is now how the phantom thieves are represented as, Joker's sidekicks, not a team of bandits and misfits working together as a unit like it was in the original. Again, this is my very personal take on the game new ending, feel free to disagree and call me a clown, but the original made a huge impact on me, the events of P5R ending wounded my appreciation for this story, not it's characters, not the theme, just the future they'll write for these characters from now on. That is all.

Sorry about this Essay lol, but this is the only way I could fully communicate everything It made me feel wrong about this new ending. It was not just a matter of preference for me.

[amazingorangedangantrash]

The only ending everyone seems to ignore is v3 because it’s just... it’s just a mess.

How do feel about this game survivors? And do you think that everyone woke up from the simulator or tv show like sdr2 or only the survivors?

Hoo boy...

Honestly nonny, having only finished the dang thing yesterday I... don't know.

(I kinda went off into a spiel, so feel free to skip to the part where I talk about survivors and what I think happens next)

I understand the mixed response a LOT. I mean- I see what they were going for. The 4th wall break was cool, and the (sorta?) reappearance of past characters was pretty damn awesome. I like that the creators are definitely self aware- and there's a kind of 'learn to laugh at yourself' sort of thing.

On the other hand it can almost seem a little too mocking?

I get the whole yaknow. 'Fictional characters are aware they're fictional and rebel against their creators' thing but- like-?

As I mentioned before, thing is, Tsumugi is not us? We aren't exactly intentionally cruel? There's a BIG difference between the kind of fiction in our world and in their world.

What does Tsumugi call it? "Real fiction"?. Yeah- thing is- we don't have that. We don't have the technology for it, and I certainly hope we wouldn't abandon ethics for it either!!! We can't have 'real' fiction, because in our world, all fiction is fake! The closest you have is fiction about real people, perhaps, but- that's not even remotely the same thing?

So it does come across as a little... um- preachy.

We're supposed to represent the audience but... like- the audience fucking suck! What was that they said during the argument armament? "This guy should have died instead of Kaede!" Like- fucking hell. Imagine saying that to someone, who can HEAR you say it, and who's MURDER you could potentially watch unfold before your very eyes as a result of YOUR actions. I mean- look how empathetic some of us are to ACTUAL fictional characters. Could you imagine if we were in a similar situation to the outside world in V3???

Maybe it's because I keep imagining the v3 cast as like- sentient AI, instead of "just fiction". Because I can't imagine anyone being so sadistic or apathetic otherwise.

So uh- yeah. I don't... know how I feel about that. It's not- very satisfying?

With sdr2, the whole "none of this is real, the killing game is all a lie, you're in a fake world!" felt like a relief ! Whereas here it's more like- "what?? It's all fake? What the hell was the point then?!"

"Nothing matters!" vs "nothing matters..."

The whole HOPE VS DESPAIR, FUTURE VS PAST thing worked, because, well, it's something we can all understand. We have all felt hope and we have all felt despair. We've all, at some point in our lives, felt stuck in the past, unable to or scared to move on.

(Hey- some of us still feel like that now, even).

The first game was very simple- hope and despair. Still relatable, but fairly basic- effective to set up the foundation for the follow up.

The second game made things a little more complicated. Sometimes it's more complicated then just- choosing between Hope and Despair. We refuse to fall into Despair, but we can't just blindly have Hope.

So we choose the Future. We can't promise it'll be a good one OR a bad one. But whatever happens- we need to move on. The only way we can make things change is by making that choice, to create our OWN future.

V3 felt very... complex. It started to get kind of... uh... philosophical? And- don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with that. It just... it kind of shifted from TRUTH VS LIE to FICTION VS REALITY. And whilst the latter definitely sounds interesting- I don't really know if I liked the direction they took with it-? I wish they'd kept the focus on TRUTH VS LIE a lot more.

(Fiction and Reality are like extensions of Lie and Truth but- only to a certain extent? Really?)

It's kind of harder to get into the final fight in V3 because... what are you fighting? The outside world? I mean- I can't speak for the rest of you, but as far as I'm aware I'm not a fictional character.

(If I am- then wow someone's a reallly bad writer huh?)

I can relate to Hope. I can relate to Future.

I can't relate to Fiction.

I THOUGHT maybe the message was a warning of the dangers of escapism ('please dont go as far as to erase your own personality just to be a part of a type of fiction you like' definitely seems fitting for this fandom)- but the message "fiction has the power to change the world!" kinda contradicts that. I mean- I do like that message, but- I don't like the idea of a series about killing games being heavily influential-!

The whole problem was that people grew so obsessed with the series that they threw away their lives! Is that not the point you should be focusing on-!!!!

The outside world in this universe fucking sucks. So they changed their mind, big DEAL! that's not comforting knowing they let this shit continue for 53 seasons-! I mean, maybe Makoto and Hajime were all 100% fictional, but at some point they started putting real people into these games, and everyone was ok with that!

I just-

I'm glad Shuichi got through to them at last but...

Someone said something which resonated with me- "in a vacuum, this is good". Like... on it's own, I thought the ending was great! It was entertaining, for sure. And the whole concept and stuff was unexpected and interesting. You gotta give em points for originality.

The problem comes with it being the 3rd game in a series. (Ignoring UDG I mean-). When a series becomes a Trilogy, you gotta make it good. This is presumably the last game in the (main) series too. And- after the UTTER NARRATIVE DISAPPOINTMENT of dr3- can you blame people for wanting more? People fell in love for THH and SDR2 (and UDG even if its not part of the main series) for a reason- and, for me at least, a biiiig part of that reason was the continued storyline. The last chapter of sdr2 was the hypest shit EVER. when you see glimpses of the previous game bleed into this one, only for it to turn into what's like- a full crossover???? The previous game isn't just mentioned, it's a straight up sequel!!!! I had absolutely no idea Makoto and co would return (i thought the games were separate) so when i saw that they'd be interacting with the new cast- yoooooooooooooooo-!

Hell, even seeing alter ego again made me go WILD.

V3 plays upon these expectations, and subverts them, but... not necessarily in a good way? You- kind of feel cheated? (Idk if you're an avengers fan, but- it's like expecting *Endgame* and instead getting...

Well- Endgame).

The ending isn't bad persay it's just- not quite what one would expect? I can definitely understand why people are disappointed. The problem is, instead of standing alone, you can't help but consider it as part of the series. Individually, I don't think the ending was that weak or bad, but in comparison to the series as a whole?

Meh.

SURVIVORS

(Oh my- I really got off track, oh dear. I'll- get back to what you asked now.)

KEEBO

W H Y

They rllly gonna rub salt in the wound huh?

(Whilst i dont dislike the other survivors, there are a LOT of people i really really wanted to see make it to the end, and it's just the final god damn nail in the coffin to kill off the last of the few characters I came even close to liking the most-)

Killing keebo was dumb

Maki- I liked Maki quite a bit! She's a bit cold, yeah, but I warmed up to her after hearing her backstory.

I found it annoying (if understandable) that no one trusted her at first. I thought it was sweet that her, Kaito and Shuichi had this friendship trio. They really trusted each other- it was very refreshing. I also love me a strong girl. Her romance thing with Kaito was a little... forced. I'd have found it more meaningful if they kept it more subtle/ambiguous (though i suppose they needed smth to use against her in the final trial sooo-).

Himiko-

I-

*sigh*

Ok I'm going to say this once, and once only.

Someoneonthedrteamhasabigthingforlolis

OK! I SAID IT- AND IM NEVER SAYING IT AGAIN

No judgement here of course. Just. Uh. Y-yeah-

(I'm mainly kidding of course, idek if Himiko counts as a loli but-)

I mean... I'm not... the fondest of very small, childish girl characters (Saionji intensifies). I like a bit of childishness in a character but- i mean- it depends.

(I'll never recover from the "seductive whisper" thing from the love suite event

Never.

Never ever.)

Himiko comes across as like An Actual Child at times and at the start it was VERY annoying. Surprisingly, I warmed up to her eventually. I knew in advance she'd be a survivor so i kinda thought "well she's gonna stick around so might as well try to like her". I do appreciate that she underwent a character arc too, and it was sweet to see how she became a more active, determined person. I wish it hadn't taken Tenko's death for her to finally start changing but whatever. She is quite a cute character and after a while became more endearing then annoying.... (for the most part).

Was she in my top 3 picks for a survivor? No.

The top 10 even?

N-no-

I'm glad she's still alive though. SOMEONE damn well needs to be.

Tsumugi- ah. She's not a survivor, is she? I knew well in advance she was the mastermind so I didn't really warm up to her all that much during the final chapters, for obvious reasons.

Shuichi- if shuichi hadn't survived I think that would have been the breaking point for me, honestly.

Overall- uh... they aren't... the ideal picks. Shuichi is the only one I really wanted to see survive, I was neutral towards the others. Tbh I was just happy anyone was alive by the end of that.

Waking up- for the sake of my sanity, I like to think that after the survivors wake up, they threaten to sue and/or maim the shit out of the dr team if they don't start on reanimating their 'dead' friends right fucking now. Surely they gotta keep their consciousness' somewhere in those memories banks right? I mean- what if they ever wanted a "surprise return from the dead" plotline? Surely they gotta keep em somewhere? Right?

Whether or not they reawaken as their in-game or pre-game selves, who knows. Whichever you prefer, I guess. Maybe a mixture of both.

[misinformedgenic]

The last post on this god awful blog

Hello, I ask everyone who see’s this to unfollow this blog, if you are following me. I can’t look at the reblogs and posts I posted anymore, without feeling incredibly embarassed and I know that I am being aggressive to the people who gave me notes but you know what I don’t care.

(Overall trigger warning: trauma,syscourse,swearing and apologies.)

My message for those who are anti-endogenic:

(tw: abelism,mental ilness)

The truth is, whether all systems are formed by trauma or some can be born that way or it can be formed by something else, it really doesn’t matter. All endogenic systems are just trying to exist and communicate their experiences, and instead of listening and supporting those who might experience their plurality differently from you, you just villanize them and insult them and do the exact same thing that neurotypicals have been doing to us for YEARS. Calling us fake, saying we are trying to get attention, saying we should be ashamed of ourselves for “appropriaiting” from people who had a more severe form of an illness or was priveliged enough to get a diagnosis . If you are traumagenic and you haven’t had that kind of experience, I genuinely envy you. That shit was done to me and it really hurt me. People called me attention seeking for saying I was depressed,or had social anxiety or that I was transgender, or that I was traumatised or plural when all I was trying to do was be myself openly and to accept myself. Why is it that when someone who experiences some sort of plurality and they don’t feel comfortable assosciating their system with trauma, you jump straight to accusing them of something as awful as FAKING or BEING A THIEF!

And yes I know being endogenic means it’s not an illness, but being called a fake for expressing who you truly are when you’ve been forced to hide who you are is such a awful experience. How could you be so callous and careless to even risk that happening to someone else, even once more, in this cruel world. Even if every single endogenic system, who says I can’t help being a plural, was trauma genic, they still associate themselves with that word, endogenic. When you say something horrible about endogenic systems, you are doing so much damage to those people. I mean, to assume without a shadow of a doubt that every single “veritable” endogenic system is actually traumagenic with the limited amount of understanding of DID/OSDD IN ITSELF, as opposed to how this phenomenon could work outside of a disordered framework, really shows you have your head far up your ass. But even then, it doesn’t matter because whether they ended up being traumagenic or not, according to science, no one deserves that treatment.

Even then,in regards to the post on this blog that got the most notes, we need to understand that people with plurality are forced to label their pluraility as a symptom of a disorder. Many systems who needed psychiatry and systems who didn’t and just masked themselves mingled, and they shared terms. This is still happening today, more then ever.

(Just in case you want to know, fictive is not a term used in psychology or psychiatry. It literally came from the soul bonding community, and people who are anti endogenic are still using it. If you don’t believe me use a web browser, and provide some sources to prove otherwise. I didn’t know this, and I’m not going to tag the OP who told me this,because I’m not sure whether they want to be tagged, but thank you. I felt pretty humiliated but it helped to come to realize what I was doing was wrong and that my opinions were wrong, and it helped me to become a kinder and more understanding individual.)

And we need to understand that systems shouldn’t be forced to be involved in exploring their plurality through a lense of trauma, because for many it doesn’t make sense because thats not how they experience it. Even if it is repressed memories ,sometimes or always, systems need a space to be systems without talking about trauma or applying trauma to it. DID and OSDD spaces are not providing that and in those spaces trauma is going to be talked about. Systems shouldn’t have to force themselves to think about trauma and go through pain, just to be able to call themselves a plural and have people acknowledge and accept them.

My message for any endogenic systems and their supporters:

I apologize for everything that you had to go through, from me and my behaviour. My behaviour was terrible and none of you deserved it at all. You deserve so much more than what you get from the anti-endogenic crowd, and you are absolutely valid, and I hope that in the future things will be easier all of you. You deserve love, acceptance and support, and I hope that nobody will ever be able to take that reality from you. You are doing nothing wrong by just being a plural, and it’s really sad that people were and still are fighting about this. Fuck anyone who says otherwise. 

Conclusion:

(tw: s***** abuse,ableism,self hatred)

I know I was guilty of what I criticized, and that is really embarassing, but I’m glad I realize that now. I admit I was angry because I was jealous and bitter and I didn’t understand the history properly around this community or how it formed. I went through a lot of online g******g and s***al abuse and my experience with being a system was horrible, I had to deal with alters who had horrible del****ns and wanted to incite gruesome s*** h*** and wanted to k*** me. My system has introjects of my a****rs and random men I see on the streets making pe****ted comments at me pretty much all the time, and I was really jealous of systems who could experience the joys of being a system while avoiding the horrible parts. It made me feel worthless and inferior, because all the interesting and fun parts of being a system could be paraded on TikTok or whether and displayed by people who weren’t f***ed *p and dis*****ng like I was. I am not saying that’s the only basis as to why anti-endogenics hold their opinions, but I am saying this because if you ever see those anti-endogenic posts of mine somewhere and I am very passive agressive or vicious, that’s where it comes from and it isn’t objective or fair.

end of abuse trigger warning.

I decided that I am going to delete all the mean comments I made on other people’s posts that didn’t get any response, so that not another person has to see it again, and for which did get a response I am going to apologize to all those I harmed. If you want to respond to my argument, I can’t stop you from reblogging and making a comment, and that’s your freedom on this website, but I am not going to be replying because discourse on here is so nasty and I’m just done with that. I would rather help contribute to a community of people who feel isolated and who will be empowered by building a culture around plurality, whether that be around trauma or not. I’m tired of focusing on my trauma, it’s in the past and I don’t give a shit about it. It just sucks and I hate it and I am done with it. I will need therapy for it of course,yadi ya, but in terms of my limited free time on this earth I would rather contribute to making people feel happy and supported then argue and be angry about something that is kind of pointless anyway.

So bye, I would like to make a normal system blog in the future and we’ll be using the same names but for now I need to shut the fuck up and reflect. 

- Luca

Also hey, on a additional note, my name is Milo and I allowed my name to be associated with this blog and it was irresponsible and unkind for me to do promote this kind of thinking. I am really sorry for any harm I caused by being a part of this blog. Additionally Stanley understands that his post on pride flags was inaccurate and he made some very nasty comments/did some nasty stuff to, he is very sorry to all those he harmed with his previous posts. He is in a really bad situation at the moment, which has gotten worse over time, he is a trauma holder and he is in a lot of emotional turmoil,so neither me or Luca wanted him to be involved in writing this specific post, but that doesn’t mean what he did was okay and all three of us recognize this now.

Best regards,

Milo.

[the-prowler-official]

Who is The-Prowler-Official?

(Aka Real life personal talk with Uncle Aaron ™️)

Greetings to all of the new people who have slapped that sexy follow button, unwittingly falling into the pit of chaos that is this account! Recently, I've gotten a bunch of asks asking about the person behind this account and what they are really like. So i thought i would make a master post of sorts that answers the biggest question that I've received.

Who are you really?

Male? Female? Non-binary? Well, I'm most definitely male, I'm in my 30's, but after that, things get sort of complicated. My real name is Aaron Davis, and my nephew is Miles Morales (for real (really)). But how is this possible? Well, that's because I'm a fictional introject alter that's part of a Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) system. I have pseudo memories of my life before i came to be in the system, i remember dying in that alleyway, and i thought i was in hell when i first formed in the system. I started out as a persecutor alter, very angry and confused, but then our introject of Miles saved me, to put it sortly. I starting developing a fleshed out personality, hell, i couldn't even talk at first. After recovering from being a persecutor, i met the other prowler we had at that time, Hobie Brown (@hobie-brown-official). He was a very self destructive persecutor, and he would remain that way for over a year despite me befriending him and quickly becoming more then friends (in case you missed it, we got married in august!) There are also other versions of me (the comic book and the new Ps5 prowler) seeing how our host frequently uses Prowler and comics as a comfort character/escape.

So who does the body belong to/who is your host?

That would be @henryccdl! He and our moon knight introjects run @khonshu-official! (I even appeared in their latest video!) We also all use the @redrock-system account! (The body is 18 btw). Our host deals with tons of harassment and bullying, so be extra kind to him if you follow him.

But isn't running this account just ripping you away from reality?

Really? You wanna go there? Look, this account actually helps me and the other Aaron's/Prowler's cope. We can be ourselves and no one really questions it because it looks like a regular roleplay/parody account. We are not acting, what you see is what you really get when you talk to us personally and become our friend.

What's next with this account now that you've openly revealed this?

Not only do we want to still bring joy and dumb memes to people, we want to be a voice in the DID community and spread correct information along with what we're already doing. We want to show that alters, especially fictional introjects that are villains, are very real people and not dangerous or fake. Expect to see some informational posts from other systems and us along with our regular content.

If you've got any more questions, just shoot us an ask (remember to be polite and that we are not your therapist.)

Thanks for stickin' around!

-Aaron

[howtohero]

#263 Reclaiming Your Secret Identity

Sometimes a superhero will decide that the best course of action in a given situation is to publicly reveal their true identity to the world. Perhaps it is a political move, to garner support for some superhero related legislature or another. Perhaps it was about gaining the public’s trust. Maybe it wasn’t even them who revealed their own identity but rather some villain or clone who unmasked them in front of the entire world. Regardless of how it happens, a public reveal of a secret identity is going to have long lasting consequences, and a superhero who does so often lives to regret the decision (or dies and becomes a ghost who regrets the decision). But putting that particular cat back in the bag is no easy feat. Sure you could simply create a new superhero identity that can operate in anonymity, but your regular, civilian identity now has live with the burden of being a publicly outed superhero with all of the attacks and responsibilities that that carries. Fortunately, as with all things, once you have this guide, reclaiming your secret identity is going to be a lot easier.

The Quick List of Ways To Reclaim Your Secret Identity:

Make a deal with a devil: If you trade your soul or your marriage or five bucks to one of the mystical evils that reside in the underworld, they might use their evil, unholy magicks to give the entire world a heavy dose of selective amnesia. 

End the universe... and then recreate it, with one minor difference: If you manage to survive the end of the known universe, you can become instrumental in rebuilding it. You can then use this awesome responsibility to subtle alter the world so that it returns exactly as you remembered it, except nobody in the world knows your secret. Sure, in order to use this method you need to destroy the entire universe, but I’m pretty sure that’s ok if you plan on bringing it back. (I think recreating the universe in your own image is, like, the baseline for supervillainy.) Hush!

Wear a t-shirt that says “I’m not (insert name here)”: If you wear such a shirt often enough (and this can be in either of your identities, so long as you change the name accordingly) people will just kind of start to subconsciously believe that it’s true. If you make this shirt so intrinsic to your personal brand people will start to associate you in their minds with the idea of “not being this superhero/civilian” it even works on supervillains!

Appear to be in either the same place, or two separate places, as your other identity at the same exact time. Recruit a buddy, or a multiversal doppelganger or one of your non-evil clones to appear alongside you while wearing your costume. This might not convince everybody that you’re indeed two separate people and thus, obviously, not the same person. After all, clones and the multiverse, and removable clothing are all common knowledge. But it will be enough to provide you with some plausible deniability and to inject some reasonable doubt into any legal proceedings you’ve become wrapped up in as result of your unmasking.

Convince the entire world that it was allll a dreeeaaaam: To pull this off you’ll need a lot of smoke machines, everybody’s pajama sizes, and zero qualms about mass-gaslighting. The trick here is to make everybody believe that your initial unmasking was a mass hallucination/dream that has no basis in reality. You’ll need to plunge the world into a foggy haze as if it is coming out of a dream. Then you’ll need to announce, in your spookiest, haziest voice, for all the world to hear, that your secret identity reveal was a lie and all a dream. Then you need to knock everybody in the world unconscious and quickly (or slowly, you don’t want to rush this) change everybody into their pajamas. Then everyone will wake up, in their pajamas, and assume that everything they knew vis a vis your secret identity is a fake false dream.

Discredit the person who unmasked you: If you can make the person who revealed your secret identity to the world look like a complete idiot/buffoon, the world will have reason to doubt everything they’ve ever said. This is easy if the person who unmasked you is a supervillain, i.e. a known liar who is never able to succeed at anything they do, often due to their own incompetence and/or hubris. But sometimes the idiot who revealed your secret identity to the world is you. So now you have to discredit yourself. Groovy. I hope you’re prepared to look like a complete idiot on international television. Well, I guess it shouldn’t be too hard, given the fact that you went on international television (which supervillains are notorious for watching) and revealed your secret identity. It seems like you’ve already got tons of experience.

Craft an alternative narrative: If you’ve revealed your secret identity to the world, you’ve given the world a narrative. Person A is Person B. Leon Von Iguanodon is Professor Paleontologist. It’s not a thrilling narrative, but it’s still a narrative. If you want to take back your reveal, you need to invent a newer, more compelling narrative for the public to latch onto. In the example we’ve given, Leon can claim that Professor Paleontologist is a desperate wannabe who has been trying to convince people that he’s the famed scientist, Leon Von Iguanodon since the pair were children. How far Leon needs to take this story depends on the nature of the reveal. If Professor Paleontologist simply put out a press release stating his real name, then that can pretty much be it. If, however, Professor Paleontologist publicly unmasked, Leon would then need to explain away the fact that the people (who are in actuality the same person) have the same face. To do this Leon would only need to claim that Professor Paleontologist’s obsession ran so deep that he got cosmetic surgery to alter his appearance to resemble Leon’s. This kind of story generally works because the public is always searching for hot gossip about superheroes. Especially embarrassing gossip. Especially embarrassing gossip about Professor Paleontologist. That guy is the worst and I for one definitely believe he would try to surgically alter his appearance to look like somebody else.

Reveal a “new” secret identity every week: Every single week you’ll assemble the press corps and reveal an entirely new secret identity. A hologram projector hidden in the collar of your costume is all you’ll need to actually look the part. After a few weeks, the public will be forced to question or discredit every single one of your “secret identity reveals” including your first and true one.

Altering the minds and memories of every supervillain in the world: Let’s be honest, the only people you absolutely need to keep your identity a secret from is supervillains who might attack those who are dear to you. It doesn’t matter if everybody else knows, as long as the bad guys don’t. So all you really need to do is tamper with the brains of every supervillain on the planet. This is much easier than trying to trick everybody in the world or destroying the universe. (But it is harder than wearing the same t-shirt every day.) Of course, if everyone else in the world knows about your secret identity word is bound to get out eventually. So you need to lobotomize your enemies in such a way that you render them incapable of retaining any information about your secret identity. This might sound complicated (bordering on impossible) but you’d be amazed at the strides in memory and mind altering technology mad scientists have made. And supervillain technology almost always ends up in the hands of superheroes eventually, as a matter of course. All you have to do is get your hands on it and you’re good to go do this reprehensible thing!

Time travel: Just travel to a time before your identity was revealed to the world, and prevent it from happening.

Insurance: Get your hands on some dirt on all of your enemies and then blackmail them into not going after your loved ones. Threaten the lives of their families. Threaten their lives. Flip the script on these villains. This form of mutually assured destruction will ensure that even if the bad guys know who you are, they’ll never risk doing anything with that knowledge! (Fair warning: Threatening to kill them or their loved ones might not be enough to do the trick. You’re a superhero, the bad guys know you probably won’t follow through on these threats. You might actually have to kill someone for this to work. Anyway, best of luck.)

Using any of these methods will ensure that things can just go back to the way they used to be before you got the bright idea to reveal your identity to the world. Sure, most of these methods skew more towards act of terrorism or supervillainy but that’s what you’ve got to do! This should just go to show you the importance of maintaining your secret identity. Once it’s out there, it’s out there barring some horrible act on your part. So make sure you’ve really thought about it before unmasking yourself so the company that does your action figures can sell new “maskless variants” of all your toys.

[alicepink-me]

The New Guardian

Story Summary: Marinette Dupain-Cheng is an adult in the real world, guarding the Miracle Box in Master Fu's place. She's in love with Chat Noir, but refuses to tell him her feelings. New holders appear to fight the duo and shake up their lives. Marinette makes a tough decision about her future as Ladybug.

Chapter 11: Lost Girl

Six Days Later:

"Come on Marinette, we want to get there before there's . . . people." April gagged, leaning against the doorway. "I prefer to eat and shop when there's the least amount of people present."

Marinette separated her hair in two and grabbed a scrunchie. "I still have no idea where we're even going." She tied one pigtail. "We are at the top of a mountain, far, far away from anything. No people, no stores, and no restaurants."

"Wrong. I told you that some appear on the weekends." April grabbed her bag. "They disappear during the week, so the students don't get distracted. Obviously the school has several food options and a small store, but without access to the extra stuff, no tourists. The whole world would love a magical place like this, but we don't need a small, magic town to attractive normos." April pulled out her phone. "We've had a few mountain climbers stumble upon the temple, but our security people stop them and erase their memory."

"Does it work?" Marinette tied her other pigtail.

"Most of the time. Although I was called on a mission one time when an entire news crew showed up to research the temple." April zipped her puffy coat and stuffed her phone in the pocket. "I compelled them an image of an abandoned, useless, rodent infested temple. They won't come back because they don't have blank spots in their mind. Perks of my miraculous. And if they do, I'll just push them over the mountaintop."

Marinette stood up and grabbed her purse. She pulled a knitted hat over her head. "So where is this town? A mountain over?" April walked over to the window and parted the curtains. The town stood at the bottom of the mountain, clean enough to be fake. "What?! That wasn't-"

"There yesterday? I know. My point." April shook her head, walking to the door. "So let's go."

. . .

Marinette and April made it out of the temple to the front entrance. A long flight of stairs stood in front of them that led to the bottom where the town starts.

"That wasn't here before either." Marinette said, turning to April. "You know, these should really stay here past Sunday because I had to scale this mountain through the freezing cold in snow in order to get here before."

April started walking. "It looks a little out of place when the town disappears."

Marinette caught up. "I think a lot of this looks out of place. Certainly a well needed set of stairs shouldn't be a problem."

Roughly 200 steps later . . .

April stopped at the bottom. "Marinette, the town. The town, Marinette."

"Very funny." Marinette said, walking by. "So where are we going first?"

"I want to get some tea. There's a really cool tea shop around here, but I want to go to a certain magic shop first." April looked around. "It should be close by."

"Magic stores? Those exist?" Marinette questioned.

"Of course they do." She answered.

"What about that one?" Marinette pointed to a comical looking shop.

"No, that's for fortune telling or good luck charm type of stuff. A lot of these shops are for simple magic or tips and tricks for miraculous holders. They're basic. That's not what I'm looking for."

Marinette scanned the area. "Then where would the right ones be?"

"Hidden." April answered. "The best things aren't out in the open for everyone to see." April turned and stepped inside a small shop. "Let's try here."

"A book store?" Marinette followed her.

April was already gone. Marinette sighed. She might as well look around.

. . .

April quickly moved to the back of the store until she reached an old man at a counter. The back of the shop was dimmer with no one around. He was sketching a picture. His desk had older looking art on it. April took a deep breath before walking up to him.

"Good morning, Miss, isn't it a nice day to be out shopping?" He greeted.

"Do you sell magic relics?" April asked, searching his desk.

"Oh, yes, plenty of them." He nodded, reaching under his desk. He pulled out a box. "I have this new music box here." He opened it. "Once you link yourself, anytime you transform, the box will begin to sing. It's the perfect gift for your loved ones. Your connection remains alive whenever you leave for missions." The man rotated it, showing it off. "It is perfect. Do we have a deal?" He grinned.

"Actually, I'm searching for one relic in particular." April replied.

"And what might that be?" He put the box back under his desk.

April dug in her pocket and pulled out a picture. She slid it to him. "Have you seen this locket anywhere? It's important to me that I find one."

"I might have one." He pondered.

"Please." She pleaded. "I've checked this entire town for weeks. You're shop is new, so I was hoping you would have one or at least a lead on who might."

The man turned around and stepped through his beaded curtains and to a back room. He returned a minute later, holding the black necklace. "This locket?"

April reached for it. "Yes, that's the-"

The man held it back. "This locket is too powerful for you."

"No it's not." April insisted. "I've been trained in my miraculous for almost three years and I'm above my class."

"How old are you?" He squinted.

"Twenty, but I promise that I can handle it." April insisted.

"I'm positive you know what this locket can do, but I'm not so sure you understand the dangers of it." He argued. "Whoever is in possession of this jewel, could face harm. Their lives could be altered and their futures changed. That kind of power cannot be given away so carelessly."

"Please." April repeated. "It's not a matter of changing someone else, but for selfish reasons. That may be a terrible way to process, but I won't be careless. I have thought about this decision for a year and have yet to change my mind or my search."

"How can you be trusted?" The man asked. "After all, you admitted you are acting selfishly."

"I may be desperate, but I could've used my powers to forcefully take this locket from you, yet I haven't. I prefer to be honest and pay for it."

April sighed, staring at the locket as it spun, hanging from his hand.

. . .

Marinette walked through an aisle of books, running her fingers over the spines. She paused and pulled out a book.

"Kwamis." She read aloud before flipping through the pages. The whole book was about the history, powers, and life styles of kwamis.

"Marinette?" A voice said.

Marinette turned to see Mint standing in front of her, not transformed this time. Her hair and head band were the same, but this time she wore a black, long sleeve shirt with white overalls overtop.

"Mint? I didn't expect to see you here." She closed her book.

"Why, because it's a book store? Oh no, I'm blind!" Mint grasped for the wall. "Seems I've left my guide dog behind. It's like falling into a pit of darkness and despair. What ever shall I do?" She straightened and crossed her arms. "You do realize I can handle myself right?"

"I just didn't expect to run into you is all." Marinette said, awkwardly looking around the aisle.

"You're the one who keeps popping up. I would've thought you were following me." She sighed. "But I'm not on a mission and neither are you, so running into each other is a normal thing for normal people."

"Yeah, Mint. It's so weird that we could actually be friends instead of trying to kill each other at first sight." Marinette smiled.

"You know Mint is just a hero name, right?" She asked. "My real name is Min Jee and I actually study at this temple like a semi-normal human being with a miraculous would."

"Well it's nice to formally meet you, Min Jee." Marinette said, holding her hand out.

"That's great, but I'm headed to the braille section in the back." Min Jee passed her. "I'll leave you to your tree slices."

Marinette turned to her and saw April walking towards her with a small bag in her hand. "Did you find what you were looking for?" She asked.

"Yeah." April said, waving the bag. "Did you find anything?"

"This book." Marinette held it up.

"Kwamis." April chuckled. "Kind of ironic since you're at war with your own."

"Me and Tikki aren't on the worst terms. I'm no Hawkmoth." The two moved to the front of the shop.

"I distinctly remember you two arguing for a whole hour when you needed to transform for class and it only stopped there because you cut her off with your transformation." April smiled. "Maybe this book will give you some kwami therapy."

Marinette set it on the counter to be rung up. "Maybe."

Marinette looked around. The shops were huge and the town itself was cute. It was a nice place to go on the weekends. Marinette looked out the window, but something caught her eye. She froze, her heart pounding in her head. She saw black and familiar blonde hair. She felt dizzy. After all her time at the academy and the slow adjusting, was it all about to disappear? Marinette was beginning to feel welcome here. She outsmarted a few of her history teachers when she called them out on their lies and she had finally matched Priya on her second physical day. Why'd it have to end now?

Marinette focused on that blonde hair. She moved to the window. "Chat Noir?" She mumbled.

Had he really found her? She had only been at the temple a week and she left that note for him. Would Chat Noir really come for her? Could he really be here?

"Marinette?" April stepped towards her.

Marinette watched, but her heart dropped as she saw a blonde woman turn around. She was dressed in all black and had messy, short hair. Marinette felt a weight lifted off her shoulders, but at the same time, it felt sad. She didn't want to admit that she was a little disappointed that it wasn't her cat. She felt lost.

"Marinette?" April repeated

Marinette jumped back to reality. "What? Sorry."

The cashier handed April the change and book in a bag. "You said Chat Noir."

"I thought I saw him for a second . . . " She looked back to the window. "But I guess I imagined it."

"Your lost love Chat Noir? The one you ran from." April questioned, mumbling the last part. She sighed. "Come on, I think we both could use that tea shop now."

. . .

Marinette set her book on her desk and stripped her coat before jumping flat on her bed. "Oh, it's good to be back." She sighed. "So many stairs and far too much walking, but at least the tea was good."

April hopped on her bed and reached in her bag, pulling the locket out. She held it in front of her face, admiring it. "It'll all be back in a week."

Marinette turned her head. "Is that what you bought at the magic shop? That locket?"

"Yup." The black metal sparkled in the light that peaked through the curtains.

"What does it do?" Marinette asked.

April paused to think. "It holds magic, almost like a spell, but with miraculous."

"How does it work?"

"Whenever a miraculous holder transforms, they hold the locket and imagine what they wish to happen. The locket drains their power until they run out and holds it inside until another person possesses it to transfer a new power." April smiled. "I can still transform afterwards. It only takes a one time use of my power and then I have to feed my kwami."

"So why do you have it?" Marinette propped her head up. "What are you gonna use it for?"

"Well you already know I have the power of compulsion, so . . . I will use it to forget." April looked to Marinette. "I need to erase an important part of my memory."

Marinette sat up. "What could be so horrible that you must use your powers, which is against the rules, to cover it?"

"My mother." April put the locket down. "I should not have met her in the first place and now I need to get rid of my memories of her."

"I don't know how important she was in your life, but why shouldn't you meet her?" Marinette asked. "She's your mother."

"Because it's against temple rules." April answered, slightly angry. "Every single student here, except you, is an orphan, orphans without any attachment to a family or friends that could jeopardize their careers as miraculous holders. We have been gathered from all around the world and raised here for that purpose. Even though we don't get much decision in our lives until we know whether or not we are chosen for a miraculous, we're still better off here than out in the real world. We have some sort of life and something to look forward to." April sighed. "But anyway . . . we don't know anything about our real parents, or at least we shouldn't."

"So how did you find out then?"

"On a mission." April replied. "I was sent on a mission to Germany, which I didn't think anything of it, but I later learned that I came from Mainz. While I was there, I became obsessed with finding my mother. I was too close for me to ignore it. I don't know why the temple sent me on a mission so close to home, knowing everything that I didn't, but I guess it was just the mission. What made matters worse was running into my real mother, Edith, in a bakery. We were ecstatic to see each other even though she left me as a baby. It was a new kind of joy and we hoped to have an altered future after that day. I told her everything and she knew I needed to leave, but we agreed to stay in contact after my mission."

"What's so bad about that?" Marinette asked. "She seems nice."

"Edith died." April glared. "The next day, I continued my mission with my team as if nothing had happened, but my mother got in the way, resulting in a . . . horrible accident." She paused. "When I visited my mother in the hospital, I brought her a fresh vase of flowers and sat by her side for a few hours. She told me that it wasn't my fault and that she was so glad to finally meet me, but . . . I cut it short. I compelled her to forget all about me so she could die peacefully without ever knowing what horrible things happened."

"But she didn't blame you, April. It wasn't your fault for wanting a relationship with your own mother, especially since the temple practically threw you two in each other's lives."

"No, but it is my fault for finding her." April countered. "There are reasons why it as well as several other encounters are forbidden by the temple. Don't go against them or you will face pain later on. Learn it from punishment or learn it yourself, both are just as painful."

"So the locket?" Marinette stared at it.

"It's my turn to forget. I do not wish to remember my mother Edith no matter how great she was. She was everything I ever wanted in a mother, yet it was all too perfect to last. Now I want to live, knowing I haven't broken any rules and don't feel the pain of my mistakes from back then."

Marinette hopped off the bed and walked to her desk. "Well, it's your choice, but if you wanted my advice . . . I wouldn't do it. Sometimes you have to face that pain even if it's unbearable. It makes you who you are, but it can also gives you hope. I could have lived the rest of my life, suffocating in my feelings I had for Chat Noir, but now I realize that if didn't go through everything what Mint and Sage put me through, I never would have told him. Even if I ran away, I know that I'm not hiding that from him anymore and by chance I may go back for him one day. It's some sort of progress and I'll take it, even if I'm completely rejected."

"That's one way to think of it." April said.

[theway-itwas]

20200317

i write many notes about her. some people journal, and i write little tidbits of what i’m feeling when i’m feeling it, sort of as a log to keep track of what i’m feeling about her. 

it’s been two months, and then some. it still hurts, but it’s more a stinging feeling now. it’s different, not at all how i expected it to feel at this point in time. with everything going on i have felt and pondered many things, gone into the depths of myself and uncovered secrets about myself i never knew existed. it’s fulfilling to see myself reach a potential i didn’t know i could reach. 

i still think she’s going to come back, and i’m almost confident she will. this feeling, this intuitive gut knowing that she will return is hard to shake. it has to account for something, it’s not for nothing. there’s a reason the signs keep popping up, there’s a reason for everything, and i am starting to piece them together and understand exactly what it is i need to do. 

she pulls me back in right when i feel like it’s my time to walk away. like saturday night/sunday morning, when we watched parasite and facetimed until 5 in the morning out of the blue. all saturday i was crying over her, and that very night she messaged me. we had a fun conversation, then talked throughout the night. and then it was back to normal, back to reality. she stopped talking to me again. 

i doubt she understands just how much it meant to me. that night was great, it resurfaced a lot of feelings i’d pushed deep down, and it made me realize yet again that it’s still her. it’s going to be her for a while, and that i am confident that for her it will eventually be me too. it couldn’t mean nothing, it can’t mean nothing. i know in my soul that it meant something to her like it meant to me. 

and with that, i want to explain some of the things in my notes. i kind of just want to write, but didn’t know what to write independently, so i figured i’d go into detail for myself. 

“i remember staring at your eyes and memorizing the color because i didn’t want to forget.” inspired by my main tumblr, and encapsulating how it felt to look into her ‘boba ball’ eyes and never want to see anything else ever again. 

“la citta di smeraldo” the truth untold by bts. it made me think of how i was when we were ~together~, the story reminded me of myself. i hated myself then, i’m getting better now. 

“the nights i’ll grow not to remember, but you, i will never forget.” it’s the truth. the individual nights have started to fade, and soon enough they’ll all be forgotten memories. but her, she will always be a part of me. she will stay in my head forever. 

“i was desperately looking for happy songs to listen to when i realized that the playlist i made for you was filled with them. good news is, i can listen to it without crying. bad news is, every song is still about you.” that one speaks for itself. i wrote that before she unfollowed the playlist, which made it harder to listen to. but it remains true still. every song is about her, even if it hurts to daydream when i listen to them. 

“once i realized that i deserved better, and that i was capable of giving myself everything you could not, i was happier. that’s funny, isn’t it? how i’m happy and i am learning to love myself now that you’re out of the picture. things without you used to be so hard, now they’re getting easier day by day, and you’re just not that special anymore.” this one is funny because it was so incredibly short-lived. that was a great week, but i was trying to deny how i felt. i accept it now, and i allow myself to feel these things for her knowing it is for good reason and it will get better someday. 

“i don’t think you understand how much i need you, were you really just a waste of all those nights? i don’t think the stars aligned so i can’t have you, is the universe really that unkind?” song lyrics i wrote for sydney, but that i altered a bit to fit izzy. they fit so much more in this situation. 

“there’s not a song sad enough.” i revisit this one, mentally, a lot. when i first saw that she was talking to someone else, and that she confessed to them and it went well, this was my immediate reaction. no song was sad enough to match how i felt. i was destroyed. 

“everybody’s blind when the view’s amazing.” stay by post malone. i still love that song, and it’s true. rose colored glasses are a dangerous thing. 

“i don’t follows fighting for a lost cause, feels like even drifting we’re just off course” fomo by eden. the best song off of no future, and it was my simping song for a while. 

“she says i’m no good with my hands but i’d hold up the whole sky for her” 2020 by eden. again, lyrics that somehow explain what i could never. 

“i begged you to tell me to turn around, but all i heard was silence. maybe it was me who should’ve told you to turn around, but maybe neither of us was meant to. so, we continue with our backs to each other as if our paths hadn’t just crossed, as if our lives weren’t changed forever, yet not as if we’d never be the same without each other.” i wrote that one after watching portrait of a lady on fire. like call me by your name, the ending of that movie resonated differently with me, and i took the portrait concept and my own experience with her and mixed them together to write a little paragraph. 

“you could have told me to go to hell and, if that’s what you wanted, i would’ve done it without hesitation.” after rewatching faking it, a similar line that liam said was on my mind for many days. karma told him to go to hell, and he replied “fine, i’ll go to hell if that’s what you want” and it made me really think, that’s exactly how i feel about izzy. 

“distracting myself works for a while but i always end up here.” self explanatory. i was probably more upset than usual when i wrote that. 

“i think things should be easier from now on. thank you for giving me the closure i needed, and i hope the future is bright for both of us--individually and together.” i wrote that after she texted me about the tik tok i made about her and we talked things out. it’s funny because i really thought things would be easier. things got so much harder, and i was visibly upset the few days after that. that night kind of did nothing but make me want her more, especially after she’d said she thinks about me every day and basically said moving on was hard. the fact that she had to move on at all made me rethink everything i ever thought about her because that means it was real, and she forced herself to give it up. 

“it’s times like these when you remember just how temporary everything is.” just me reminiscing on november and december. 

“nothing has felt right since you left.” it’s true. things have felt off, like it wasn’t supposed to happen. 

“being closer to you makes it worse. it’s still you, it will always be you, and for you it will never be me and that is the most frustrating reality that i can’t face.” we were talking quite a bit then, and i wasn’t confident in the thought that she would come back quite yet. 

“i may not be okay yet, but i’m closer than i was yesterday.” every day i get closer to being more okay, but healing is inconsistent, and sometimes things get harder again. 

“right when i think i’ve gotten far enough, you pull me back in again.” she probably texted me asking if i was okay again, as she often does. maybe it was when i asked her if she was okay. sometimes i think it’s just her excuse to talk to me. 

“i just want to relive those days over and over again. i want that feeling again, i want you and i’m desperately trying to show you that but you just don’t care and it’s killing me. everything changed when you left and i’m trying to figure myself out but it hurts having to do that without you. i don’t even know why i’m making such a big deal out of such a short time but i can’t help it and i feel pulled in two directions because i can’t decide whether to let you go or to hold onto hope because both paths seem equally as plausible and both are hurting me more than i can take. i feel weak and defeated. i feel like i have no control and that i have no choice but to sit here and do nothing as things fall apart. thanks to you, i am defeated.” it was true then, less so now. i feel like holding onto hope is way more plausible now, but i did feel defeated. 

“it doesn’t even feel anymore. it’s just nothing, waves of nothingness when i think of you.” i don’t even remember what exactly evoked this response but clearly i was upset. 

“i both don’t want to talk to you and only want to talk to you. it’s a mixture of pushing you away and pulling you in. every time i try to walk, something happens and it feels like i get pulled back. i just want to be free from you, free to be happy without you and be happy for you. please allow me to do that.” little did i know there was trouble in paradise. 

“i’ve never had a choice. everyone else has always chosen for me, you chose for me, i didn’t have a say in it. how is that fair?” i just felt so helpless and defeated. 

“yesterday i was crying over you and trying to forget about you. last night i was on facetime with you until 4:30 in the morning. you did it again, you pulled me back in.” self-explanatory. this time was different though, it cemented many things. 

“maybe you should set me free, maybe i don’t really want you to” this love by camila cabello. pretty much sums up every feeling i’ve had since january 5th. 

that’s it for the notes.

i am trying to forgive. i realized today that the universe, spirit is sending me the sign that i must forgive before i can get what i want. i can’t have her until i forgive her, really truly forgive her for leaving me. they sent me her knowing this was a lesson i had to learn. i can’t have what i want unless i forgive everyone, including myself. i need to forgive the world and love every aspect of it to finally prosper and get an abundance of what i want. i see that now. so, i will work on forgiveness. i will nurture my wounds. 

this will be my physical speaking of it. i am working on myself, doing healthy things and actually going through with it. every day i want to go on long walks, to sit and meditate at that table i found today. i want to be everything i have always wanted to be and i am doing things to help myself achieve that. 

the spirituality and intuition i am tapping into lately feels amazing. i understand the things around me, and i see the beauty in all things. i’ve gotten into tarot, astrology, meditation, manifestation, and all that good stuff lately. it feels good. i like growing into this new person. it feels like a new chapter, in all the best ways. 

rae, as in valkyrae, said it regarding her breakup with michael recently. “just because we aren’t in each other’s chapter nine doesn’t mean we can’t be in each other’s chapter fifteen”.

and with that, i think izzy and i need(ed) this time apart to work on ourselves. i think we both need to forgive, and we both need to grow in order to be perfect for each other. i think there is a deep soul connection, i think she might be my soulmate, and i see now the importance of spending time apart so we can fall back together. 

all is going to work out. everything is going to be okay. i see that now.