theway-itwas

[theway-itwas]

20240820

the crazy part is, i knew this would happen.

every time i see her, it's like falling in love. it's like a slap in the face. i am reminded of what i've lost and what i could've had. what was at my fingertips, just close enough to touch and to feel. a foggy silhouette of what i want so desperately, but could and can never have. it's excruciating.

i know it's wrong. i know better. i know that having these thoughts still is wrong. but i can't help it. there's something tying me to her--chaining me to her, and it has since that day.

the funny part is, i began today with a mantra.

you do not feel it. you will not feel it. today will be different. you won't repeat the same mistakes..

and yet, here we are. just like the last time, and the time before that, and before that, it happened again. it always does. i end up here.

maybe i'm done. maybe i've just been going through the motions and i've really been out of this relationship for a long, long time now. why else would i feel this way about anyone else? why else would i be so desperately trying to find a way-any way-out? i need an excuse. i need an opening. i need an opportunity. but it never comes.

it's perfect. they're perfect, almost. they match me so well and they treat me so well and yet they ruin me. it feels like they trap me. i feel like a bird with its wings clipped. i feel like, if i stay with them, i will never be who i truly want to be.

and the new one, i like her too. or at least, i like the idea of her quite a lot. i need to talk to her. i want to. i want to explore the possibilities of having someone else. of what it might be like to have someone else.

but c? she's always the one at the back of my mind. every single time, i return to her. when i thought i was going to leave d just a couple weeks ago, what was my first thought? my first horrible, terrible, evil thought?

maybe now i can finally be with her.

and that is a sign that i am unhappy. that is a telltale sign that this isn't fair, to me or to them. that this isn't what i really want. it's hard to admit that, because i have so much love for them. i really, really do love them. but i don't know if i love them enough to spend the rest of my life with them.

none of this is fair.

what if a is better? what if c is who i'm meant to be with?

what if this is all a scam and true love isn't real and i'm searching for a feeling i will never have, but that's always been missing. that will always be missing.

maybe i just want what i can't have, and the chase is all i'll ever find fulfillment in.

and that's the hard part. i will never know unless i try. but i don't want to try, if it means being alone. if there's one thing i'm afraid of, infinitely more than the fear of never achieving this feeling that i've always longed for--it's being completely and utterly stranded.

i don't want to be alone.

but being with them feels like i still am.

my heart and my mind are playing this awful game together. they are at war. they enjoy it. i enjoy it. but i hate it at the same time.

i just wish i could be with her.

it enraged me to hear her talk about how someone else wronged her. i wanted to be able to show her that she's worth so much more than that. she's everything to me, and always has been.

is that weird? to feel jealous, possessive, protective over someone who has never been mine?

maybe at one point she wanted to be, but even then i lied. even then, i did just the same. should i tell her? would i even want to? would she want to know?

would it ruin things?

would it make things better?

maybe i should tell her.

it's all just so confusing. i hate this. i'm sorry.

[theway-itwas]

20240529

i’m 22 now, jonghyunnie

i hate the feeling of getting closer and closer to your age, while you’re just stagnant. i hate missing you.

i miss you so much

i wonder, still, what it would be like if you were still here. shinee’s anniversary was recently, too. i hope you were happy seeing them smile like i was—like we all were

i hope you’re watching over me

i love you, jjong

you did well

i hope you think i’m doing well, too

[theway-itwas]

20240322

back.

back again to this. to you.

back to the longing stares. i didn't want it to end. i don't want it to end. you're so beautiful.

every touch and glance makes me imagine the life i could've had with you. the life i would've had with you. the life where i pick you up and spin you around--the one where i treat you like a princess and make you feel like one. the one where i bring flowers to your art shows and i'm your biggest fan. i imagine what it would have been like to hold your hand, or surprise you at work, or hear you ramble on about random things, and feel so lucky to even be able to listen.

maybe regret isn't the word. maybe longing is what i was born to do. maybe it is for the better, but it's the pain of knowing what could have been if things had gone a bit differently.

maybe i'm right and always will be for staying where i am. you're not only way out of my league, but you're simply too good for me. how could i live with myself if i knew i was poisoning you? if you knew how i thought about you, despite being with someone else. if you knew the truth, you never would have spoken to me.

but i know you feel it. the longing, the connection, the way i come almost too close to crossing the line, but always sit just behind it, holding myself back. i should've told you then. i should've tried, at the very least. i should've made it clear when i had the chance. and now it's far too late. all we will be left to do is think of what could have been. all i will ever be is a coward.

i think of how i must've hurt you. god, it was probably a shot straight through the heart. i have blood on my hands and you think i don't know. and we were in this weird limbo, where we weren't more than friends, but the energy and the connection were clearly too intense to ignore. and now, you've done it. you've found someone else.

it kills me inside, because i knew. i knew months ago that my window was closing. i hate her. she's just like me, and i hate her. she's so much better than me in every single way, and i despise it. she's perfect for you, and i hate it.

i can't and i will not do anything about it. not only am i too much of a coward, but i'm also too good--or maybe i lack even that goodness--to even try. i would never hurt them like that, though if you asked me to drop everything to be with you, i don't think i would have the strength to resist.

i try to remember that what's meant to be will be, but i'd also like to believe i'm in control of my own fate. or maybe i just don't want the responsibility.

i'm sorry. to them, i almost feel as if i should repent. to any god that will listen, if any of them even exist, i hope they forgive me. and to you, i'm sorry, too--maybe most of all. i'm sorry for never saying anything. i'm sorry for hurting you. i'm sorry for not having the strength to tell you, both for the outcome we see today, and for not letting myself give in to you.

you are my strongest temptation, and my biggest regret.

[theway-itwas]

20240103

so here it is: the first post of the year.

i am confused. beyond confused and spiraling deeper and deeper into a void that will be impossible to claw my way out of. i am being pulled in different directions, constantly. it is killing me.

i am at no point of "i don't know how much more i can take". i'm at the point of needing to choose which path to follow. but how could i choose? i have already let this get too out of hand. i have already succumbed and allowed myself to get myself into this situation. on the one hand, i am way too deep into it that i don't think it would be possible to get out. on the other, might as well do it now, right? cleanly break it off, though it would be painful. there would be splinters, but nothing was ever set in stone anyway. it would just be a couple lies.

i'm starting to feel like i've been lying my whole life. to myself, to others, to inanimate objects and figments of my imagination. i lie in rooms alone, to the walls and the ceiling and the floor. i lie when no one is there to watch nor listen.

i can't decide. i am being torn apart and it is killing me. slowly, it is killing me. i am in a constant state of suffering. i have grown so used to it that the pain has become bearable. but there is no longer a happy ending to this story. if i go down the path that tempts me, i still see myself suffering. i still see myself having to rebuild entire empires that i will have destroyed. but if i go down the path that is ahead of me, it will be no different. i will still suffer. i will mourn the civilizations i could have built--ones that may have challenged rome. glorious empires that could have flourished will haunt my dreams, as they have for the past two years.

i can't choose. how could i possibly choose? do i stay because i want to? or do i stay because it's easy? do i stay because it's more comfortable to do so, and i feel more secure here than if i were to travel to a land i've never been to? or do i stay because i want to, and i love where i am and who i'm with.

if i left desi, it would be catastrophic. i fear my friends would see me differently. i fear i'd be losing my best friend, someone i have built a genuine connection with. a strong, loving, and safe connection. i don't feel so safe. maybe i never did. what would i tell cass? my parents? what would they tell their family? their brothers? their friends? they speak of me so highly, i couldn't bear the thought of the family i have acquired viewing me as a monster. i'm not a bad person. at least, i don't think so. maybe they'd finally be seeing me how i truly am.

some days are easier than others. it feels almost comfortable to think of them as a boy. it feels almost normal to call them my boyfriend, to imagine them as my husband. to imagine them starting testosterone and helping them do their shots. to see them transform into a man, slowly. i think it would kill me. some days, it feels almost okay. almost. always almost. it has never been fully there. i don't think it will ever fully be there. i don't think i will ever be okay with it, completely. maybe i would get used to it, sure, but i would never reach the point of complete acceptance or compliance. if i stay with them, and watch them transform into a completely different person, i think i will spend the rest of my life mourning the loss of the life i could have had. the wife, the woman, the beauty. the thing i always dreamed of, just out of reach. the one thing i felt i've deserved, that i have been owed for years, once again stolen from me at the hands of a man. it really is always an angel, never a god.

but everything i've ever wanted is still possible. it's still here, right in front of me, more obvious and more tempting than it ever has been before. carmen, the prettiest girl i've ever seen. interesting on all fronts. captivating, kind, funny, and genuine. the girl of my dreams, quite literally. the invisible string. the one thing i have always wanted and still want, right in front of me, that i am forced to leave behind for a life of longing. i fear if i stay with desi, i will spend the rest of my life longing for her. longing for the chance to come back, where i could have left easily. if two people can't stay away from each other, maybe they were never meant to be apart. it kills me to think that i could have everything, that it's just out of reach, but i could get there. it's not impossible. and yet, i'm still forbidden. i'm still held back.

in all my dreams, they are always portrayed the same. my dreams of desi are haunting, are hurtful. they do not end well. they are nightmares, where i am consumed by regret and pain. but my dreams of carmen are sweet. they are dripping with honey, every single time, without fail. they are dreams where i find her, and she finds me. we always find our way back to each other. they are only painful when we are torn apart. my dreams of her are of us finally getting to experience the beginning of something beautiful, and there are always the means to an end.

it's like all the signs are pointing in the right direction, but i still can't go there. something is holding me back, constantly. something is always pulling me away. it's like i'm not ready for it yet. i am so afraid that i'm running out of time. every passing day is a day where my window is closing. she will find someone for her, and it will kill me. i want it to be me.

i can imagine a life with her. i can imagine wanting children, wanting to grow old. i can imagine being her biggest fan and strongest supporter. i can imagine going to her art galleries with flowers. dressing up together. cheering her on and wanting, genuinely, to see her succeed. i can imagine being her muse. the thought of it being someone else is unbearable. i can see her dressed up, as beautiful as ever, and kissing her after telling her that she's the prettiest thing to ever walk this earth. i want it to be real. i can see it, physically, and tangible.

when i imagine a future with desi, it is regretful. resentful. angry and sad. miserable. i can imagine us living comfortable, but never fully being happy. the days will still end in arguments. i will still never be able to convey my sadness without having to comfort them. i will still have to learn to love the things they love, and not resent them. i will still have to convince myself not to loathe them when they do something i don't like.

i will still have to watch them turn into something i am incapable of loving.

maybe that's the missing piece. maybe all they lack is gender. maybe carmen seems so fulfilling because she fits into my perception of myself and the world. maybe i just want a wife.

maybe i'm a sick narcissist with a god complex, yet the most crippling self hatred possible.

i still feel guilty. i still feel horrible for letting myself think about anyone else that way at all. but i just want to be happy.

is that a crime? wanting to put myself first and allow myself to be happy, even if that means inconveniencing others in the process? is selflessness always kind? is it unwavering? or is there an acceptable level of selfishness?

what is right, truly? what should i choose? how could i ever possibly decide?

i have built a life for myself that i have convinced myself is set in stone. i am still young. i am so terrified that if i don't take shots now, and if i don't set strong foundations for myself now, that i will end up killing myself down the line.

is my happiness truly the most important thing in my life? or could i sacrifice that for the wellbeing of those i care about?

i wish things weren't so absolute. i wish i could ask them to just let me try it out--while i'm still young and confused. i do love them, i have so much love for them that sometimes it's overwhelming. but i fear that if i don't allow myself the chance to experience what i've always wanted, that i never will. and i don't want to live the rest of my life wishing things could have been different.

it's so scary wanting to choose carmen because i already have my life with desi. if i stay with desi, it is guaranteed to last a lifetime. i am secure in this spot and i will guarantee no heartbreak. at least not romantically, i will probably break my own heart waking up next to them every day. but at least i won't be waking up alone. if i chose carmen, it isn't even guaranteed to go anywhere at all. it isn't guaranteed to last. what if i choose her, and we break up? what if i never find anyone else after that? i would have thrown away the life that was cemented, on a whim, for someone who didn't stay with me. i would be throwing away an entire life for a short, fulfilling portion of it.

i'm afraid of what leaving would cost me. i have found someone so close to perfect for me, but not quite there. we are so similar, have similar interests and views and morals. we are so alike it's like we were almost made for each other. almost. always almost. never quite there yet. maybe we were never meant to be with someone so similar. i'd have to change a lot if i chose to be with carmen, assuming that she would even want to at all. assuming that she still feels how she once did.

she once did.

i almost had her. almost had just enough time to figure things out.

almost.

but never got the chance to.

these thoughts have plagued me for almost two years. always the same battles. always the same dilemma.

i have no idea what to do. i don't know what's right. i wish i could be given a sign, anything to confirm the path i should follow. i don't believe in god, but maybe that would be easier. i truly think there's nothing. no meaning to any of it all. whatever i choose will have to be my decision and my decision alone.

and i still can't decide.

[theway-itwas]

20231227

the worst information i could possibly hear right now.

or maybe the best.

my dilemma, the short-lived yet constantly at the back of my mind one, was true

it was all true

it was all real

and i don't know if that's the best or worst thing i could have had the pleasure or curse of knowing.

[theway-itwas]

20231023

how am i meant to get over it?

it's been over a year. my blood still boils, the pit in my stomach still sinks deeper, and all i am ever left with is myself. always me.

could i have avoided it? am i still just as insecure as i was then? was there any substance in the way i was feeling?

maybe i'm desperately holding onto this anger and hurt in an attempt to continue to feel something. anything at all. maybe i just want an excuse to find something to loathe about them. i have tried and tried and tried to move past it but it's not just two steps forward and three steps back, it's a constant loop. right when i think i've gone ahead of the curve, i am right back at the beginning.

i'm obsessed with them. i hate everything about them, but i can't stop thinking about them. can't stop thinking about their music taste, and how much i despise it. how i would rather die out of spite than have to listen to any of their favorite artists. i can't stop thinking about what the next color of my hair will be, and how i can't pick anything that they haven't already done. how i will grow to hate the things i love if i know they like them, too. how i avoid their hobbies, their interests, anything that reminds me of them like the plague.

and yet, i am the one broken. i am the one destroyed. i am the one who they have destroyed the most. i, and i alone, am forced to live with this feeling. and they have no idea.

why would they? even desi knows only a small fraction of how i actually felt. i don't even think i could coherently string it into words if i tried, really. i don't think i could even begin to confront the feelings again, i fear it would kill me, in any sense of the word.

they are the blueprint. they are the person i am constantly striving to be, yet perilously trying to avoid. i still catch myself trying to be them and finding excuses to hate myself for getting too close. i hate them. but still, i have every reason to think they're better than me in every imaginable way. i have placed them so far below me that they are looking down upon me. i tried so hard to pull the pedestal out from underneath their feet, but i only trip myself in the process.

there's so many what-ifs that it makes me want to vomit. what if i had never said anything? what if i had sat back and watched as everything i have ever loved and wanted slipped from between my fingertips and into the cold, vile hands of the person i hate more than anything else.

it would be easier to just forget, but i can't do that. i need it. i need this constant hatred and gut-wrenching pain to remind me of everything then. i need it to survive, almost. it eats away at me and i let it.

there was no confirmation. i never got any closure. i never got anything but empty promises and now i have to live with this insecurity whenever they make any new friends, or go out with anyone else, or mention any other name. i am so scared it will happen again that i might just be speaking it into existence.

there is no reassurance that could convince me otherwise. i was losing them. i was being tossed aside and they didn't even realize it. i was, yet again, being forgotten. for what? for radiohead and little figurines that i wasn't a part of or invited to? for orange hair dye and doc martens? it still kills me.

what if it always does?

what if i don't get over it?

there is no moving past this. the one person who was supposed to see and understand me and my insecurities and everything i am and am not okay with, doing the exact same thing. i am invisible to everyone and i always will be. i just hoped for once it would be different. i am doomed to being unseen.

[theway-itwas]

20231007

do you know how hard it was?

getting over you was hard. moving on was hard. giving my everything, changing my entire personality to fit what you wanted, holding on to false promises and believing them with everything i had. it was all so fucking hard to do. and having to walk away, not by choice or because i knew it was hopeless, but because you made me, was hard. you shut me out when i no longer served a purpose for you.

you were everything i wanted. you still are, in many ways. you were too perfect. definitely too perfect for me, and for this world. you are the most ethereal thing to have graced this earth.

they make fun of you, and i join in, but i know you. i know you on a level deeper than any of them. i opened my soul to you and you opened your soul to me and for what felt like a fraction of a second, we shared the most raw and star-crossed connection two people could possibly share.

i was there on your best and worst days, for big, life-changing moments and for the mundane mornings where all we did was lay in bed and make a cup of coffee. i sat with you at work, watched you wipe the counters after you locked the doors and the golden rays of sun spilled through the window as it set. i watched you fall asleep, slowly, and i watched as you were unable to. i saw every mark and blemish and scar on your skin--laid eyes on the ink under your skin and hovered my fingers just above, aching to trace them. i was your good morning and good night and your drive safe. i sat there, watching the trees whisp by from the passenger's side on your way to and from work.

i know you.

i dug my fingers into the strings of my guitar until they bled to learn bloom for you. i cancelled plans and rushed home from work and practically sprinted to my room just to smell your perfume and get a few short moments with you.

why do you still wear that charm i gave you, all those years ago?

why don't i wear your bracelet anymore?

why, still, do i feel like you were the thing i was luckiest to have shared this anomaly of life with? that when i think of how i am alive, here and right now, i am beyond lucky to share any time with at all on this earth, billions of years old, and this universe, more than tenfold. that science, in all its complicated twists and turns, makes no sense, because there must be some divinity to the molecules and atoms and matter and gravity that were created just so i could be pulled to the center of this earth and put one foot in front of the other, right to your doorstep?

why do i not always feel that way about them?

why do i remember you, in all your glorious beauty, with the pain and suffering that came with being in your proximity, fondly?

all those songs are still about you. they always were. since the moment i was born, everything leading up to our paths crossing was destined. i was put on this earth to meet you, and be ripped away from you, and to sit here at my desk tapping away at keys that generate 1's and 0's on a screen, reminiscing on what was and what could have been.

i still listen to the playlist i made you.

i still listen and think and listen and think and listen and think and think and think about you.

[theway-itwas]

20230906

to you:

i've been doing a lot of reflecting.

i've been in this state of hindsight for a couple days now. all i can seem to do is think. i think about everything that was, that could've been, and that i wish had never been. it's the most excruciating process, and yet, i continue to come out of it stronger and wiser than before.

somehow, though, it always circles back around to you.

i've been hurt many times, but nothing has ever cut me quite as deep as you. the heartbreak and rejection could never compare, because you? you killed me.

because of you, i had to reevaluate everything. i had to rebuild my entire life--to pick up the pieces and reinvent everything i've ever known. my perception of everything changed because of you. the way i view relationships, people, and myself were shattered because of you. the venom that dripped from your lips still courses through my veins.

the fact that, even now, hearing your name stings, says everything i can't put into words. every misstep and mistake i have ever made in my relationships can be traced back to you. you destroyed me.

i was just a kid, you know. that innocent 15 year old girl that you crushed in the palm of your hand just wanted to be seen. she just wanted to be desired and needed. she wanted so desperately to have something to cherish, and she never deserved what you did to her. being the age i am now, just a little bit older than you were at the time, makes it all the worse. how did you do it? why did you even consider taking advantage of a naive child who didn't know any better? and why did it have to be me?

i don't remember the specifics anymore. not a single day nor a conversation sticks in my head, and perhaps that's for the best. but what i do remember all too well is the feeling. the feeling of blind euphoria, being noticed by someone, and through a smokescreen, being treated like the most precious thing on earth. i also remember the feeling of confusion, wondering why you suddenly stopped calling. and the feeling of my innocence being ripped out of my very soul. the worthlessness that came after you threw me away. i was a child. i didn't know any better than you.

the worst part is, for years i defended you. my brain still foolishly finds ways to defend you; to my friends, to you, to myself. i tried to justify what you did to me because i was "in love" with you. i tried to comb through every small and minute detail to find the silver lining in just one thing--to look for anything less than horrific. and yet, i still look back on those days with sheer terror in my eyes.

you were an adult. you knew better. you chose to pursue a 15 year old, a child who would tell you about high school drama, while you pleaded and begged for things a child should never have to give an adult. you broke me into submission, and all i knew at the time was that i wanted and needed to please you. we were intimate, i sent you pictures that i shouldn't have even thought about taking, and you enjoyed it. it was vile, the ways you crafted your perfect fantasy out of an incomplete mold. you manipulated and coerced me into being obsessed with you. i was a lost puppy, desperate for you, and you were a fiend hungry for power. you used me until you didn't need to anymore, and left the shards of an innocent little girl who couldn't for the life of her figure out what exactly she did wrong.

i struggled, and still do, with loving because of you. loving myself, loving others, trusting anyone. at 15 years old i had to cry on the bathroom floor, utterly destroyed, wondering why i wasn't good enough. i turned to substance abuse and developed an addiction that could've easily gotten me killed. i had to sit and watch while you berated me and made fun of me with your friends--a group of adults bickering with a child. i didn't know then that it wasn't my fault. i didn't know then that i never had a choice, and that i didn't do anything wrong.

i hope being your forever kept secret haunts you. i wish i could sit here and say i forgive you, and i understand why you did what you did to me. but i hate lying, primarily because of you. i refuse to lie to myself any longer.

i hope the thought of me keeps you up at night. i hope you live in constant fear that i could jeopardize your career, your friends, and every relationship you will ever have. i hope you lay on your bedroom floor and hysterically sob at the thought of every single atrocity you committed to an innocent child. i hope dread washes over you every time you conveniently skip over the time you spent stringing me along when you talk about your exes with anyone who asks.

i know you don't, and you never will, but i hope someday you realize the value of the life you nearly ended.

i have never once gotten an apology, or even an acknowledgement from you. i deserved it then and i deserve it now, but it will never come. so many of my faults are deeply rooted in my time that was shackled by you. i just hope one day i can break free of the chains you still have me locked in.

with any luck, this will be the last time i ever have to utter your name.

you destroyed me, sydney. and in a desperate attempt to reclaim everything you stole from me, i wrote you this. though you will never read it, i will know that everything i have ever wanted to say to you is here.

[theway-itwas]

the only necklace you still wear, and it’s the one i gave you all those years ago.

perhaps it holds the thought of what once was, or what could’ve been. do you still linger on it, tracing your fingers over the latch or glancing at it in the mirror?

maybe it doesn’t mean anything to you now, but i remember when it did.

[theway-itwas]

i would die for the lives the old me wanted so desperately

i just can’t seem to choose which one i want the worst

[theway-itwas]

20221218

for jonghyun,

five years is a long time.

this fateful day that i dread every single year is finally here once again. five years. half a decade. one thousand eight hundred and twenty six days since you left.

it’s surreal. it’s crazy to think about. it’s been so long, and yet it’s gone by in the blink of an eye.

there’s still nothing i wouldn’t do to bring you back. i miss your bright smile, and your eyes that twinkle like they house billions of stars. i miss your voice. i miss the way you’d laugh with your entire chest, or how your whole body reacted to just about anything. i truly, deeply miss you, jjong.

so much has happened in just a year, and i can’t even begin to think of the person i was five years ago.

desi and i just hit our one year anniversary on the 7th. they’ve been really good to me and for me, i hope you’ve been able to see it. we’ve been talking about moving in, and it just about seems like it might be something happening very soon. i love them, i really do. they make days even as gloomy as these feel okay. they’re amazing, and i wish you could’ve been here to see.

i recently adopted a(nother) cat. yes, desi’s cat piper is technically mine too, but i hardly see piper. i don’t live with her yet, i don’t get to call her mine because she’s technically desi’s. but this cat, he’s all mine. the cat rescue my neighbors have, they asked me to take care of it for a month while they’re in the amazon. of course i wanted to, and i can’t say i didn’t expect to get attached to all of the kitties, but this one really won over my heart. his name is cloud, like cloud strife from final fantasy, and it really fits him. he’s a real cutie, just a big sweetheart. i think you’d love him, and i could totally see you wanting a cat someday. i’ll make sure to tell him all about you later tonight.

i’ve made and lost a bunch of friends. i haven’t necessarily lost many, but some distance has grown between us, and that’s okay. i don’t hate them, but i’ve grown to realize that what i think is good for me and what i want to constantly surround myself with just isn’t them. as for the friends i’ve made, they’re pretty great. i’ve also grown a lot closer to some friends, and i can say i’m happy with my relationships right now.

i got a new job, too! my last job was horrible, that’s for sure, but this new one isn’t so bad. i’ve never worked in retail before, so it’s definitely been a new, stressful experience for me. nevertheless, i think i’ve definitely grown to love the people there and the state i’m at. though, i am late quite often and i put myself in a lot of sticky situations. i have many flaws as a worker, but i’m trying to fix them, i swear.

i tried to contact my doctor for an adhd assessment. it’s been something i’ve struggled with for the longest time, and i finally pulled the trigger, just to be told there’s a countless number of hoops i have to jump through just so i can actually get the help i need. they basically need to treat me for my “severe anxiety” first (their exact words) which doesn’t really help because i needed help with my inattentiveness, but it’s okay. i’ll call them back eventually, i just need to find the motivation (and also not forget on the days which i am motivated). i’m getting it all sorted out, slowly, but it’s a work in progress.

this time of year always gets a bit gloomy remembering you’re not around. i try to have fun and make the most out of days like these, and i try to stay positive around the holidays, but some nights are harder than others, naturally. i just hope you’re doing well wherever you are.

i love you, jjong. i miss you endlessly and i really hope you’re happy. you did well, and you worked hard. you are always in my heart. thank you for letting me love you.

[theway-itwas]

20221125

sometimes i wish i had a girlfriend.

i love my partner so much, and i’d give them the world if they’d let me. but sometimes i wish i had a girlfriend.

for years, i’ve been expecting, conditioned myself into expecting that i’d be in love with a girl. the prettiest girl i’ve ever seen, the woman who i’d grow to love for the rest of my life. i expected a wife, a pretty, feminine, beautiful girl. a part of me feels like it’s missing out on that right now, and i can’t shake it.

i used to be so excited to tell people about my girlfriend. even when i thought i’d end things with them for her, i was so excited at the thought of having a pretty girl again. the thought of loving someone so feminine and divine was so appealing then, and it still is, but not in the same way.

i love them so much, i do. but sometimes, on rare occasions like this, i wish i didn’t have a partner. it’s different with girls that are bi because when they get boyfriends, at least they get exactly what they signed up for. maybe bi girls can think about what it’s like to have a girlfriend, but i’m not bi. i’m a lesbian. a huge part of my identity is the fact that i’m a lesbian, and i feel like it’s so hard and no one talks about how difficult it is to be a lesbian with a partner, not a girlfriend. a lesbian who calls their partner their boyfriend. a lesbian that has a handsome boy to love. maybe i don’t want that anymore.

it sucks because they’re not comfortable with feminine terms. maybe if i could sometimes switch between the two it’d be easier, but i want a girlfriend so bad. i want to be able to gawk at how pretty my girlfriend is. i want to even just say i have a girlfriend, but if i even think it, i feel guilty.

i love having a partner. i love them so much and i love being loved by them. but sometimes, i miss what it was like to have a crush on a girl. to get butterflies and blush because of a girl. to think about how pretty she is, and how beautiful she is. maybe that’s the reason why i had the dilemma in the first place.

maybe it wasn’t the distance, emotionally and physically. maybe it was the concept. maybe, the dilemma arose because i missed having a crush on a girl, and wanting to have a girlfriend. maybe it’s always been that.

usually i don’t have a problem with it, but now, i really wish i had a girlfriend. i love my partner, but i miss embracing my identity fully. it’s just a bit hard to be a lesbian in a relationship, but without a girlfriend.

[theway-itwas]

20220822

i’m emotional.

i know it’s just because i started shark week but it’s so late and all i can do is think because i’m alone.

i can’t stand sleeping alone

though clearly not much sleeping is being done.

i don’t regret the fact that i’m in a relationship. i’m so so so in love, but sometimes i think maybe i jumped into something too fast.

i never got to mourn jayda. i fell so fast and hard for her, so deeply cared for another person and felt so happy to be with them. i’m in love but i’m still heartbroken, now, a year later. it sucks.

it’s only times like these where i really have to force myself to think about it. i mean come on, i was literally texting jayda when i first met desi. the day we met, her notifications were popping up on ari’s screen in her car. it was all supposed to be a distraction. i said i’d wait for her.

but i didn’t. i’m glad i didn’t, but that’s the thing. i didn’t do it. everything was for nothing and having to admit that is so hard.

i guess old habits die hard. being conditioned to think a certain way, being hurt so many times and treated the same way on so many different occasions has created a number of problems in my relationship and i never confront them. all i do is avoid them and distract myself until i have to end up here, alone on a cold summer night thinking about things that destroy me.

i still think i destroy everything i touch. i rot them, i set them on fire. i ruin every good thing that comes to me and it’s really difficult to not think i’m gonna mess this up, or that i don’t deserve it.

i still don’t think i do.

maybe one day i’ll come to realize that love isn’t hard. that i don’t have to create these problems and that it was all just an excuse to feel something. but for now, here we are.

[theway-itwas]

20220720

well that dilemma was short-lived,

though i guess we have another one.

i can’t help the fact that i get jealous. i hate it, i will admit. there’s nothing nice about feeling like shit all the time because you’re projecting your insecurities onto someone else.

but still, i feel like shit because i’m projecting my insecurities onto someone else.

truly, i want to spend the rest of my life with my partner. maybe that in itself is naïve, and i’m thinking way too ahead of myself. still, i’ve never felt a love as strong and complete as the love i feel for them.

nevertheless, i’m always so paranoid that maybe, just maybe, they’d leave me in a heartbeat for the next best person who comes along

maybe i still haven’t come to terms with the fact that i’m loveable, or deserving of love, or that i’m actually receiving it. maybe i just don’t believe all that, and my brain is hard-wired to think that no matter what people will leave me

the thought of not being good enough—of having given it your all and still ending up alone? that’s terrifying. never in my life have i wanted something more desperately than i want my partner to stay in my life for a while, and to love me for all eternity. never in my life have i held onto something so tight i think i might be suffocating it. and i’m selfish enough to not care, because i’m so desperate that i’d trade the oxygen for a few more moments with them.

it sucks, it really does. a nagging suspicion, a burning sensation that starts in the pit of my stomach and spreads up my neck like wildfire. the thought, constantly in the back of my head that believes one day it’ll all come true, and i’ll have to sit here frozen because i can’t do anything else.

i never realized how much each and every person that came before really affected me until i thought about it. over and over again i’ve been made to believe that a person can leave at a moment’s notice because they simply feel like it. all they have to do is tell me they want to talk, and then they’re gone. i can’t do anything but sit and listen, and agree, and pretend like it doesn’t rot me from the inside out each and every time.

and this repeated behavior has lead me to believe that i’m not worthy of love, no matter how much i show it or try to give it. i don’t deserve it and so i live with the expectation that it can and will disappear at some point, suddenly and without warning, and i need to be prepared for that

it spirals, honestly. it starts at one point and ends up ten times deeper. i choose to walk down the darkest paths because it’s all i’ve ever known

but again, i’m selfish. i will do anything to not lose them, no matter what. i can’t help but feel helpless as i sit and watch them be happier around other people. i don’t think i’m good enough to deserve to make them smile.

that really sucks, and i hope this all blows over soon. it’s draining to be so insecure and upset over something i know nothing about.

as for the last dilemma, that was proof that i can and will choose my partner every single time. even with the shiniest of trophies in front of me, i still chose them, because i wanted to and because i love them.

i just hope they’d love me enough to do the same.

[theway-itwas]

20220504

what a dilemma. 

what a fucked up, horrible, soul-crushing, heart-wrenching dilemma. 

maybe it’s because she took me by surprise. maybe it’s because she fulfilled something they couldn’t. maybe i’m just a terrible person. 

but nevertheless, the dilemma exists. in fact, it’s annoyingly loud. it’s screaming in my face to pay attention to it, no matter how hard i try (and believe me, i do) to ignore it. 

“want to go get breakfast?” 

what if i said no?

though, the jolt of electricity that was sent through my body when i heard those words felt too visceral to ignore. 

lately i’ve felt like i’m just going through the motions. i couldn’t help it. the more time i spent with her, getting to know her, the more time i found myself smiling at the thought of doing it again. and again. and again. 

i won’t pretend like it’s not killing me inside. i feel disgusting. 

and yet, at the same time, i feel--strangely--alive. 

it’s so unbelievably confusing that i feel like i’m going crazy. i feel insane for even thinking about these fleeting moments. 

maybe it’s just that---a fleeting moment. maybe it’s just my hormones messing with my head and this will all pass in time. 

but i fear that won’t be the case. 

i fear that the more time i spend with her, the more stuck in my brain she’ll be. and that’s terrifying. 

i love them. i love them so much. nothing is wrong, i’m perfectly happy and content with them. but maybe i’ve just been lying to myself.

if that’s the case, i’m a damn good liar. 

still, i can’t get her out of my head. i think about her words like a record on repeat. 

“i really like hanging out with you” she said. 

unfortunately, i agree. 

the thing is, i never took myself as someone who would engage in illicit affairs. yet here i am, considering spending loads of time with someone who isn’t my partner. 

i haven’t been unfaithful yet. YET. that’s just it--yet. the fact that i even have to write that or think about it, that’s scary. would i even? i mean, i don’t think so. 

but lately, it feels a bit tempting. 

it would break my heart to hurt them. it would kill me. i’m so happy with them, and i never want to lose them. but what if i could be happy with her? 

surely, there’s no harm in hanging out. maybe in a few weeks, after getting to know her, i’ll laugh because i ever thought that way about her. maybe i’ll be gushing over them, forgetting i ever wrote this or had these thoughts at all. maybe i’ll have made a new friend, and fallen more in love with my partner as i’ve been doing for months.

or maybe in a few weeks, i’ll be in a much more difficult position. 

[theway-itwas]

20211216

for jjong: 

hey, my love

long time no see :) 

it’s really been such a long time. i’ve thought about you quite a bit, but i seem to write to you less and less these days. maybe i’m doing other things, or maybe i’m just afraid that you’ll be upset because it’s been so long. 

it doesn’t matter, i guess. what matters is that, here and now, i am here again. i am writing to you again and i am so ready to talk to you again for the first time in ages. 

there’s quite a bit that you have missed. i feel like you’ve been watching me grow and mature, and i am proud and glad to show you that i am in a good place. i’ve really grown a lot and done things i never imagined i’d do. i feel like i’m really feeling what it’s like to be an adult and do things maturely. i’ve grown so much, bub. i hope you’re proud of me. 

you were here for it all, weren’t you? 

i’d see you occasionally, on nights where you were my brightest moon and every star. i’d look up and see you, in all your essence, and smile ever so slightly, because i knew you were here. you’ve always been here. i’m glad that you finally get to hear from the source what i’m up to. 

school has been going alright. it’s crazy to think, at the beginning of quarantine, i graduated high school--and here i am, about to transfer to a university to finish the rest of my college. i’m turning 20 years old soon. that’s is absolutely insane, i’m getting so old. 

i am probably the most content right now than i have ever been in terms of my relationships. i really love all of my friends, and i cherish them deeply. they give me so much happiness, and i am so grateful to have them all in my life. 

my family and i have been getting along well lately. i have a good relationship with my parents and the rest of my family. i’m glad that they are good people who do good things, even if there are flaws that all of them do indeed have. 

and my partner, i still need to tell you about them :)

my officially partner, jjong! i have a girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, significant other, whatever you want to call them. they are mine, my other love, and the person in my life i cherish very much. their name is desi, and they’re pretty amazing. they are so kind--genuinely kind, and without expecting anything in return. they are kind and sweet and thoughtful, they are funny and fun to be around. they have a smile that makes everything fade away and i see only it. they have the nicest voice i’ve ever heard, and their touches are warm and comforting and safe. they really make me so happy, and i go through every scenario in my brain trying to figure out exactly how i got so lucky. 

after jayda, i wasn’t really planning on getting into something serious any time soon. she didn’t hurt me, not like the others. she was genuine, and she was kind. she was a refreshing break from all the hurt i’d experienced in the past, and she was a really great way to learn and grow immensely. 

and i had a lot to learn. 

i still have a lot to learn, but she taught me a lot, and for that i am forever grateful. 

after experiencing heartbreak after heartbreak, endless hurt and reaching the point of hopelessness, i needed that. i needed a light that came to me, almost in a dream, to care for me and nurture me to full health again. i needed someone to come and show me that it was possible, and that real and true, genuine and sweet and pure love (if we could even call it that) still existed. i needed to see that it was possible to be cared about like that again. i needed to be shown what it felt like to have someone genuinely enjoy being around me again, and she was able to show me that it was not only real, but that it was attainable. 

and because of her, i was ready to experience what i am experiencing right now with my love. 

this year was a year of growth and learning. it was a year that i was able to find who i was and who i wanted to be. i learned a lot about myself--becoming self aware of many things. i was knocked to the ground, and yet, i kissed the knuckles of the things that hit me down. i don’t want to hold resentment anymore, and i don’t want to be negative. i know what it is like now to wake up, and enjoy the little things. sometimes, the little things are quite ethereal. 

i got to meet some pretty great people and experience the world a bit more. i felt like, before, i was living in my little box, and that was all i knew. but this year, i did many things that helped me to see outside of it. i got my first job, my driver’s license, my first tattoo. i entered into my first relationship in four years, and definitely the first one i’ve had in person. i felt the light and affectionate touches of another human being for the first time, felt what it was like to be held and traced and caressed and truly valued for the first time. 

it’s a really great feeling. 

and now i’m able to share that all with you. 

i’ve come to appreciate the highs and the lows. it’s easy to say things like that when you’re experiencing a high, but it’s true. even the low points weren’t all that bad, but the highs--those were really highs. they still are. though they might be few and far between, they are worth living for, wholeheartedly. i would throw my entire being into experiencing them, and i intend to do so going forward as well. 

sometimes it’s nice to just...be

to be in the moment, to be experiencing things as they happen, not after the fact or thinking of the next thing to happen next. it is nice to just be. 

i am far from perfect. i engage in some things i shouldn’t, participate in acts that harm me. but that’s okay. i don’t need to be perfect, nor am i expected to be. 

i’m really glad that i can be here, right now, with you. it’s nice to spend time with you, devoting my entire self to you, and i’ve missed it. 

that isn’t promising that i will do it more often, but i might. it really depends on if i’m feeling up to it in the future. 

but there’s no doubt that i always feel up to being with you. 

the 18th is coming up soon. i have something fun planned that day, so i’m excited, but it feels bittersweet. it almost feels wrong that i’m going to be having fun on that day, but i know it’s what you’d want. i know you’d rather see me having a blast than being upset over you, and all along, i know you want me to move forward thinking of that day in a positive light rather than a negative one. i’ll try my very best, my love. i’ll always try my hardest for you. 

remember that you did well. you worked so hard and you did so well. i can only hope that you’re as proud of me as i always am of you. 

it is getting quite late, and i need to sleep. i look forward to being able to talk to you again, bub. you are the loveliest thing i have ever known. 

goodnight, jonghyun. i’ll see you again soon <3

[theway-itwas]

20201126

happy thanksgiving jonghyun-oppa. 

i miss you a lot, and that’s nothing new, but it just feels a lot stronger lately. 

maybe it’s because it’s thanksgiving? or maybe it’s because the 18th is coming up soon again and it hasn’t felt like three years at all, and at the same time, felt like so much longer. or maybe i just miss you, on a random day, at a random time, for no reason at all other than the fact that i miss you. 

i forget sometimes. i’ll be doing something random--anything really, and suddenly i’ll remember something about you. i’ll look up and see your sticker, i’ll feel my ring that i haven’t taken off for two years, i’ll hear your distant voice randomly, and that’s it. i see an image of you flash quickly across my mind before i resume whatever i was doing, and you’re out of reach again. 

maybe it’s that i feel a little disconnected to you, especially recently. i don’t know why, especially because i never thought it to be anywhere near possible. you’re still a part of me, every part of me simultaneously, but it feels harder to feel it lately. it feels harder to talk to you naturally, harder to know you’re always here, and maybe that’s just me being accustomed to everyone leaving eventually, but i never thought it would be you.

maybe you’re busy. after all, i don’t know what responsibilities you have wherever you may be, i just know that you were kind enough to pay me visits when i needed you most, and for that i am endlessly grateful.

that doesn’t mean i still wouldn’t like your visits, though. even if i don’t necessarily need them, i still want to see you from time to time. i’d see you every night if i could, but a visit once in a while would suffice. 

i miss you so much, bub. i’m not sad nor happy, i just exist lately. the days blend together, i have lost all track of time and responsibility, i am just going day to day with the same routine and it’s burning me out.

i miss you, and it feels almost as if you’re not here. almost as if you’ve moved on, you’ve left and gone further.

if that’s what you feel was best for you to do, that’s completely okay and your decision. but i kind of always thought you’d be here with me forever, waiting until we can meet again and go on together. 

but if you are still here, i’m sorry for assuming you’d leave. i promise it’s a me thing and not a you thing. please just give me a sign you’re still here, though. i’d love to see you again, my love.

anyways, happy thanksgiving, bub. you did so well and worked so hard. let’s both get some rest tonight.