#and the thing that led me to this thought was the stepdad joke being made about jesus's dad

[aroacemisha]

So like, Hunter being created as a physical copy of Caleb, but being his own person, makes him akin to a son of Caleb. However, since he's created via cloning, that means he's not related to Evelyn, the wife of Caleb-

I'm just imagining the ghost of Evelyn wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm not the step mom, I'm just the mom that stepped up" jdjdfjjhg.

[hannieehaee]

you said in your svt with an older s/o that mingyu gives the vibe to be with milfs so,,,,, mingyu with a milf maybe? with her cute baby (p.s. stepdad!gyu!!!)

18+ / mdi

content: youngerbf!mingyu, stepdad!mingyu, you have an infant from a previous pregnancy, cute fluff with the baby, afab reader, smut, oral (f receiving), etc.

wc: 1364

a/n: i know nothing about babies but i hope i did well with this hehe<3

masterlist

"babe, have you seen lola's pacifier? i swear i've looked everywhere! she won't fall asleep tonight if she doesn't get at least half an hour with it before bed," you huffed, continuing to search at every nook and cranny if your apartment.

but you received no response from mingyu. and strangely enough, there was no noise in your apartment at all, opposed to the usual babbles or cries of the tiny resident of your home.

this would worry many others, but you knew the very logical explanation for this. you knew that the moment you walked into your baby's nursery, you'd find the dreamy image any woman would kill to have in their home.

and surely enough, as soon as you opened the half-closed door, you came face to face (or more so face to back) with mingyu's frame as he cradled your baby in his arms.

his gigantic arms dwarfed the tiny baby more than you thought possible, but his hold was nothing but delicate. the swaying of his arms provided her with the perfect motion to ensure she remained calm as she fell asleep. it was when he turned slightly that you managed to see that she was not fully asleep, but instead on her way there as she suckled on the pacifier you'd been searching for earlier.

"she's almost asleep, i think," he whispered when he sensed your presence. he turned to you then, baby still in motion in his arms, "am i doing this right?"

his time with the baby was not a new thing, but he still often worried about messing up. mingyu loved kids, but he had never loved one as he loved your lola. he was also slightly intimidated by the difference in experience between you. despite this being your first and only child, he believed your age simply made you wiser when it came to taking care of lola.

you continuously assured him that he was more than perfect with her, but mingyu, being mingyu, would still chuckle and deny it.

it was sometimes hard to decide whether lola or mingyu was the most adorable.

"you're doing perfect," you reassured, "here, let me take her so i can put her to sleep," you went to take her from him, feeling bad that he'd been taking of her on his own while you cleaned up dinner.

"can i- uh, can i do it?", he asked.

it made you smile. and of course, you concurred.

it took a few minutes, sneakily removing the pacifier and setting her to sleep on her crib. you remained at a close distance, but still allowed mingyu to do all the work on his own. the visual was one that went straight to your heart. your appreciation for mingyu grew impossibly bigger every time he showed his selfless love for your daughter.

your steps were quiet as you left the room, setting up the baby monitor before exiting with quiet hums of affection towards your daughter. once in the living room, you couldn't help but give gyu a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek to reward him for being so good.

in response, he held your hand as he led you to your bedroom, closing the door behind him as he sat you on the bed.

it wasn't done with any implications in mind, but they still invaded you when he began to casually change into his pajamas in your presence. you simply sat there and watched as he did so.

"you're amazing with lola, you know that? watching you makes me wanna pull out a ring," you joked.

mingyu chuckled in return, shirt off momentarily as he grabbed for a tank top, "don't. i already have plans for that."

"oh?," you stood up, walking over to him and halting him as he attempted to pull up some pajama pants, "you've got plans?"

he caught onto your drift immediately, "can't tell you, or else i'll ruin the surprise."

"can you give me a sneak peek, then?"

your hands wrapped around his shoulders while his let go of his pants and locked on the small of your back, a wolfish smile invading his lips.

"well, no, but i can give you a sneak peek of something else."

and then he kissed you, teasing completely thrown out the window.

it was soft in nature, the way in which he kissed you. you could tell he was tired, holding you in a way that screamed exhaustion mixed in with some neediness. his lips invaded yours in languid smacks until he led you back to the bed, sitting you as you'd been before.

before you could say anything, he knelt, pleading eyes betraying his large frame as he silently asked you to make space for him between your legs.

once they were opened, his hands pushed them even further apart, mouth leaning down to kiss at the skin revealed by your loose pajama shorts.

"'m tired, baby. but i still really really wanna make you feel good," he mumbled after a few pecks to the skin, "i'll probably wake up horny, but that's a problem for tomorrow.

"i'll take care of your problem, angel, don't worry. now just keep doing that ..." your words trailed off when his hands snuck under both layers of clothing, blindly finding their way to your sensitive bits.

"fuck, so wet, baby. were you expecting this?", he teased, "lemme get these shorts off, okay? wanna see it up close."

you lifted your hips to aid him, soon finding yourself unclothed from the bottom half and deciding to throw off your shirt to match. mingyu smiled from under you, biting his lip at the sight.

"you make it hard not to fuck you."

"then do it," you challenged.

"first thing tomorrow, i'll have you on your hands and knees, baby. but for now, i have something else i need," and those were his last words before his head lowered and joined the circling of his fingers, opting to sneak in a finger while his tongue took over in playing with your clit.

you gasped, hands digging into the duvet under you as an almost automatic reaction. but mingyu whined at this. something about wanting you to pull his hair instead. and who were you to deny him?

"taste so good after a long day, shit," he mumbled between swipes of his lips, "need to do this every night."

you encouraged him as your legs attempted to close around him and your hips begged to cant into his face. he was good at warding these things off, but more often than not, he welcomed them. it showed him how desperate you were for him even as he gave into you, he'd once said.

"shit, baby, keep going. gonna cum, fuck," your breath hitched and sped up at the same time. your body felt like it was on fire. everything was on edge.

"i know, baby, just, fuck, don't scream this time, okay? don't wanna wake up my baby," he said so naturally, knowing that you truly saw her as his own.

it was a strange dichotomy of emotions, both awe and arousal, but it made your orgasm all the better. your love for mingyu combined with your need for him made you see stars. your body didn't pay any mind to the boy beneath you, taking what it needed from him as he kept attacking at your cunt, knowing the sensitive sensations afterwards always made your eyes roll back.

it took a few moments after the fact for you to catch your breath, but your boyfriend had already managed to find a damp rag to clean you with in the meantime.

"knocked you out again, huh? i'm pretty good at putting people to sleep, i've been told," he snickered when you swatted your hand at him jokingly.

"suddenly he's the expert."

"hey, your words, not mine."

within a few minutes, he managed to get you tucked under the covers and into his arms with the same ease as he'd done with lola less than half an hour ago, providing you with a kiss to your temple as he adored doing to her too.

[marigold-dursley]

Essay/Preview for Book 2 of Marigold's Guide

(Read it on Ao3)

Marigold felt like she was going to explode from guilt. “Ursa I gotta tell you something!” 

Ursa blinked at the sudden outburst. “Oh yeah? What’s up?” 

Marigold shallowed the lump in her throat. “Um, remember the day we all met up in Diagon Alley? When Lockhart was doing that book signing?” 

“Yeah?” 

“We’ll I spotted your stepdad and…” Marigold was so nervous. “I saw him kissing a man.” 

Ursa had a blank look on her face for a moment. Like she was processing the information, then she let out a loud bark-like laugh. 

“I’m not joking!” Marigold told her. She worried that Ursa thought this was some kind of prank. 

“No, no,” Ursa kept laughing and grabbed Marigold’s arm. “Come on.” 

“Where are we going?” 

“Somewhere with less ears,” Ursa smiled. 

Ursa led them out of the Great Hall and they made their way out to the courtyard. Marigold was starting to get a little annoyed at Ursa’s amused attitude about this whole situation. 

“Okay, are you ready to explain why your stepdad cheating on your mum is funny?” 

“Yes, but first a question,” Ursa said with a knowing smile. 

“Oh boy,” Marigold rolled her eyes. 

“Have you ever heard of lavender marriages?” Ursa asked. 

Marigold thought for a moment. “No… I got nothing.” 

“It’s like when people get married but aren’t actually together.” 

“What?” Marigold said in a deadpan tone. “Why would you get married if you weren’t in love?” 

“Lots of reasons, but for my mum and Adrian it was mostly for social reasons. A lot of people in the wizard community look down on single mums and gay people so they thought-” 

“Wait, wait! Your stepdad is gay!?” 

For a moment the smile slipped off Ursa’s face. “Is that a problem?” 

“No! Of course not! I’m just surprised is all,” Marigold could feel her face going red from embarrassment. “I’ve never actually… met a gay person before.” 

Ursa’s smile returned. Only now it was a mix of relief and amusement. “Really?” 

“Yeah, you know my parents aren’t exactly the most… understanding of people.” 

“That makes sense,” Ursa nodded in understanding. 

“But enough about that! Tell me more about this lavender marriage thing between your mum and Mr Moody,” Marigold urged her friend. 

“Right, so back was I was but a wee babe,” Ursa explained while sounding like an over-exaggerated Adrian. “Mum was trying to raise me on her own since my dad was out of the picture. She was doing a great job, but was struggling to find work and a proper home for us.” 

“One day she happens to run into one of her old school friends, Adrian Moody. The two of them decide to catch up over lunch. Pretty soon after that, they start hanging out on the regular. Just like old times.”  

“So what? They were having such a great time they decided to get married?” Marigold asked.

“Well, my mum was one of the few people who Adrian had come out to when he was a teenager. He was working for the Daily Prophet almost excessively at the time and a lot of his co-workers were big gossips. I think Adrian was worried they would find out about him being gay and try to get him fired.” 

“He had been giving Mum and I a place to stay while Mum looked for a premature job outside of the magic community. And one night Adrian told her all about work and how worried he was. So mum just said, ‘Why don’t you just marry me, then?’. For a split second, Adrian thought she had lost her mind.” 

“And had she?” Marigold jokingly asked. 

“I mean, yes, but for different reasons,” Ursa joked back. 

“She explained that if they got married Adrian could get his more pushy co-workers off his back and she would have an easier time finding muggle work cos Uncle Adrian’s mum was a muggle so he had the proper papers for it. The original plan was to stay married until the both of them found stable work, but even after they did that they realised they kind of liked being fake married and have just kinda such with it.” 

Marigold’s head was spinning from the new onslaught of information she had just gotten. She didn’t feel… bad per se, but more fascinated than anything, She had never heard a story quite like that one. She had been staring up at Ursa in admiration the whole time she had been telling the story.  

“Mr Moody and your mum must really care about each other,” Marigold said with a soft smile, 

“They’re best friends after all,” Ursa grinned proudly. “I’d do the same for you if you were a boy.” 

There was a warm feeling in Marigold’s chest. Like for one small moment, the whole world lit up. 

[straight-into-the-animus]

(Not) Getting Married Today (French Fryes)

This was a fic request for my amazing pal @etzee-ohs that was a long time coming, but finals kept getting in the way. Sorry about the wait and I really hope you enjoy it!!

Read on Ao3

Jacob could hear Evie’s heels clacking on the tile as she came into the bathroom, and quickly slid the lock shut on the stall door.

“This is the men’s room!” He tried to protest, but it came off as more a whine.

“Why’d you run off?”

“I had to piss.” Jacob scooted back on the toilet, almost willing his body to become more compact to avoid being seen.

“Are you a racehorse? You did it twice before we left the house as well.” Evie must have found where he was, since he could see through the gap in the bottom that her short heels and bottom of her pantsuit stopped in front of his stall door.

“Maybe I had a lot of water.”

“Are you even dressed? The ceremony is in an hour.”

Yes, Jacob was somewhat dressed. And no, Jacob didn’t need to be reminded of the time crunch. Arno’s family had gone full out with renting a hall for the ceremony and reception, a lovely villa in the countryside that was way too clean for the rustic look it was going for.

They said they want to take care of it all, Arno had smiled, obviously happy his family had such a blessing and wanted to help, and Jacob tried to get away with a joke that he still wanted a say in the catering and cake -- which he did get the choice of, and thoroughly enjoyed so much that he had hard times with every cake. It wasn’t going to be a big wedding, just the people closest to them. For the past thirty minutes even Jacob where he was had been able to hear the sound of tires crunching on gravel as expectant guests rolled up, and all made excited and general conversation. Jacob was a simple man and would’ve been happy to have a courthouse ceremony in their pajamas, so to get married in a hall was more than he ever dreamed of getting. But in the year and a half it took, neither of them backed out. Jacob didn’t say anything, never questioned Arno and why he wanted this, and he was regretting it.

It wasn’t to say he didn’t want to spend forever attached to Arno, because he did. He knew that even if they ended up splitting, which killed Jacob to think of, he’d never marry again because Arno would’ve been it. But he didn’t want Arno to spend forever attached to him.

“It’s not too late to run, right? I mean. We’re not gonna get the deposit back. I can send something to compensate Arno’s stepdad. You think they’ll accept American money?”

“I’ll drag you back if you think of leaving.”

“Can you just stop, Evie? You’re not helping.” Jacob got off the toilet and opened the door, taking in the concern of his sister’s face. “Why the fuck would Arno wanna marry me?”

“Because he obviously loves you. Can’t you see that? He asked you, right?”

“He asked ‘cause he doesn’t know anything.”

“You’re calling him stupid now?”

“No! Or- yes. Stupidly romantic. It sounds like a good idea but it’s just gonna be a pain in the ass for him eventually.”

Evie fixed him with a look that just seemed to scream that he was an idiot, and he hated it with all his heart because he knew he wasn’t. She spoke, slow and measured, and even if Jacob didn’t want to listen he did.

“You’re not a pain in the ass.” At Jacob’s snort, she rolled her eyes. “Not most of the time. Right now you’re pushing it a bit. But I think Arno really did know what he was doing when he proposed. Have you ever known Arno to back down on anything?”

And Jacob hadn’t -- it was why he was the best at pulling Arno away from fights or at the very least supervising to make sure it didn’t go too far. And why their rare arguments lasted for days sometimes. But he refused to answer and went to wash his hands all the same to avoid her.

“Okay, just- Just don’t cancel anything. Please. We can figure things out.” Evie put a hand on his shoulder and led him out the restroom to go to his actual room, getting no fight in the action. He felt like a livewire and she had to sense it by the way he was silent for once. “I need to step out for a minute to talk to someone and you’re going to relax. Okay?”

Jacob glared but did as asked, looking all the picture of a petulant and scared child as he sat down on the cream sofa.

--------------

Evie stepped out of the room, closing the door, before walking to the end of the hallway and dialing the first number in her contacts. Élise picked up within a few seconds.

“How is he?”

“I finally got him to settle down. He’s curled up on one of the couches. How about your brother?”

“This close to hyperventilating into a paper bag.” Élise sighed, and Evie heard her moving quickly to likely go somewhere more private. “He’s deadset on thinking Jacob doesn’t want this.”

“Obviously we can tell they’re made for each other if they’re going to be like this,” Evie mumbled, pacing a step back and forth at a time before something hit her. “I might have an idea.”

“I do love those.”

Evie grinned.

---------------

Evie waited a few minutes, unwilling to go back to verbal abuse, and came back into where Jacob was likely wanting to drown his sorrows, glancing up at her. At least he had moved on from the whining and shivering aspect and now just seemed to sulk in his seat.

“It’s fucking raining now.” Jacob bemoaned loudly, looking out at the dark sky that had just recently been light and sunny.

“I’m sure they’re moving anything they need to inside. And they say it’s good luck, you know.”

“They made that shit up to comfort the piss poor bride who lost her expensive summer wedding.” Jacob sniffed, and Evie tried not to notice the red puff under his eyes from rubbing them until it became too much.

“Do you want me to put some makeup on that? Get you all dapper?”

“There’s no point,” Jacob said, “there’s not going to be a wedding.”

“I promise you there will be. Everyone’s showed up, besides.”

Jacob sat back, obviously displeased with what she said. But at this point, she couldn’t mince words. It was all or nothing. Both of them were silent for a while before Evie’s phone buzzed, and she checked the notification.

“Here. A video to cheer you up, maybe.”

“Is it a virtual cat poster thing?”

Evie rolled her eyes and pulled up the video Élise had sent her, handing the phone over to Jacob. Jacob pressed the small triangle for play almost absently. The video had some motion in it of the phone being set up, and lean subtly against something small while two people were right in the middle of a conversation. He recognized the visible figure standing in front of one of the small mirrors, undoing and redoing his hair in an anxious manner.

Despite what Jacob thought, his heart did that standard skip it always did upon seeing him. He hadn’t gotten to see him since they arrived and separated, but Arno was half-dressed in his blue shirt and crisp dress pants, bowtie undone haphazardly.

“-don’t get why do you think Jacob is going to regret this? He said yes, didn’t he?”

Faintly he realized it was Élise speaking to Arno, and Arno sounded… panicked.

“He said yes because he didn’t know what he was getting into! I didn’t want that.”

Jacob’s heart sunk, but Arno continued, giving up on his hair with a frustrated groan.

“I’m grateful we did- Were going to do it here. And it’s beautiful. But… I’m not exactly marriage material, Élise. Don’t give me that look, it’s true. I’m an idiot most of the time. What happens when the honeymoon phase is over? And he realizes after a year or two that he doesn’t want to deal with me? It’s his right, but… I’d be heartbroken. And if I hurt him? I love him too much to put him through this.” Arno mumbled something else, sitting in one of the chairs with a dramatic huff and burying his face in his hands. There was one final line Jacob caught. “I’m nothing without him and he’s everything without me.”

Jacob was vaguely aware of Evie shouting about how he could’ve broken her phone, but he didn’t even realize he had dropped it as he hurried off. There could have been more but he didn’t need or care to hear it. He ran off through the hallway, almost knocking over poor waiters and workers alike as he looked for his fucking perfect fiance, who was somewhere thinking that Jacob couldn’t want him more than anything in any sense of the word.

Élise was waiting outside a door, and she barely looked up as Jacob stormed into the room she was near. Arno saw him in the mirror, jumped, and spun around, a tremulous smile playing on his face before it fell.

“What’s wrong, Ja-”

“I love you too, Arno. I said yes because I love you. Yeah, even with your fucking wardrobe and ego and attitude and smarts and good fucking heart.” He blurted out, not letting Arno get in a word edgewise before continuing. “Don’t you ever think you’re anything less than it for me, please.”

“Jacob, darling, mon amour , just breathe.” He held Jacob loosely but tried to get the man to look him straight in the eyes as he spoke. “Where- where is this coming from?”

“I saw the video. Evie had it. Where you said that shit all about you.”

“I- Élise filmed that?” He sent a half-hearted glare as if his sister could see him through the wall, but Jacob held his face and turned him back to look at him.

“I get it if you don’t wanna get married to me. But don’t be a dick to yourself in the process.”

“Of course I want to get married to you. I proposed. And I meant it.” Arno said, serious before turning shy. “I suppose… I just got worried. That I was being selfish by asking somehow.”

Jacob looked down, shyly grabbing Arno’s hand and playing with it. It was a distraction so he didn’t have to watch Arno’s no-doubt judgy gaze. “I was worried. I thought you were making a mistake with all this. With me.”

“I could never. If anything I was worried you’d be making a mistake with me. Compared to you, I’m-”

“You’re not nothing.” Jacob’s head snapped up. “Don’t say that again. ‘Sides,” Jacob ended up giving a half-smile, “I need someone around to keep me in line. That’s worth something, isn’t it?”

Arno smiled and ended up giving a somewhat surprised huff of laughter. He glanced down again. “Looks like we’re both a few idiots.”

“It’s us. I wasn’t expecting things to go perfectly.” Jacob’s smile grew at Arno’s second bit of laughter and it turned a bit sheepish. “So… After all that… Do we want to get married still?”

“If it means I get to have you for good, then of course. If you’re sure you want it as much as I do.” Arno looked up and gave a small smile, but it was brilliant and blinding. “But you’ll need to leave so I can finish getting ready.”

“I dunno. I quite like the idea of undoing your work so far.”

Arno chuckled and gently stopped Jacob’s hands from teasingly going too far up his chest.

“We’ll have the honeymoon for that. I promise.”

“Making me wait so long. Glad I know it’s gonna be worth it.” Jacob grumbled good-naturedly, and leaned in for a tender, chaste kiss. He was only barely pulled away when he spoke again, unable to help it. “I love you.”

“And I love you too.” Arno smiled. “Now. If we want to ‘do the damn thing’, as everyone says, we both have to finish getting ready.”

“Already nagging and we haven’t even exchanged rings.” Jacob grinned and gave him one final kiss before walking out of the room. Élise looked up as he left, and she grinned.

“Glad to see you’re finally acting like adults.”

“I’m definitely doing something at you and my sister’s wedding in return.” Jacob sent her a look, but he was smiling all the same before he hurried back to his room.

The wedding ended up starting just ten minutes behind schedule in one of the halls, hastily set up to work against the rain. But neither of them wanted to rush it.

---------------

Evie wanted to hit them for how much they ended up making everyone cry. There wasn’t a dry eye at the vows, or the kiss, or the reception, and Jacob and Arno held onto each other in a first dance that didn’t consist of anything more than just swaying in place. Evie and Élise sat back at the head table, red hair brushing Evie’s shoulders as Élise leaned on her.

“You think our wedding will be as hectic as theirs?” Evie asked, and Élise rested her chin on Evie’s shoulder as she looked up at her.

“Knowing us? Absolutely.”

Title and work inspired by Getting Married Today from the musical Company!

I hope you enjoy! If you do I have a Masterpost here and more ideas for writings and prompts here, so feel free to request! Thank you so much for reading and have a wonderful day!

[everybodyscupoftea]

won’t hold back

college isaac x reader

i’m back besties with the immediate follow up of born to run!

(warnings: cursing, light editing)

He finished his run first, of course he did, and by the time you got back to your car, huffing and puffing, a text was waiting on your phone. You pulled it out, hands shaking a bit and your face split into a smile as you read it.

I’m in parking lot west, meet me there?

Climbing into your car, you cranked it up, turning the heat up as high as you could stand, breaking out into a slight sweat despite still being cold as your thumbs hovered over the keyboard.

I’m in east, just got finished so I’ll drive over

You backed out, heart pounding, and drove the few minutes to the adjacent parking lot. He was leaning against his car and waved at you when you turned in, not that he needed to because he was the only car in the lot. Parking next to him, you took one last deep breath and grabbed your hoodie off the back seat.

“Hey,” he murmured with a smile when you climbed out.

Waving shyly, you responded, “Hey.”

“Hungry?”

You nodded eagerly, “Starving.”

Isaac grinned, “I know a place if you trust me enough.”

Thinking back to the coffee shop he picked when you were first getting to know each other, you nodded, “Yeah, absolutely.”

After a pause and a speculative glance, he jogged around the car and opened his passenger door for you to climb in. When you hesitated, his eyebrows furrowed and he started to look uncertain, which you definitely didn’t want, he spoke, slowly, “Or did you want to follow me there?”

“No,” you reassured quickly, sliding in without any further concerns, “sorry, I was just caught off guard for a second.”

Isaac didn’t respond, shutting the door softly for you before heading back over to the drivers side, finally answering when he buckled in and cranked it up, “Why caught off guard?”

“Well,” you paused, unsure how much you wanted to admit. But then you heard your sister’s voice in your head go get your man and decided on complete honesty, “I was going to ask you out today, but I wasn’t really expecting you to say yes.”

He blinked a few times, hand freezing on the gear shift, “Why the hell wouldn’t I say yes?”

Ears heating up, you shrugged, “I don’t know, it just seemed like you were out of my league. You didn’t text me.”

“You didn’t text me!” he countered. Which you supposed was fair, but you’d been nervous. He was so attractive and outgoing and unattainable. He was so clever and good with words and you were just. Good at math.

“That’s fair,” you answered, “but I thought you might would have other, better options.”

“Well, you’re wrong, just ask my roommates.”

It was oddly reassuring, that his roommates had been putting up with the same thing your sister apparently had, and you couldn’t stop the wide smile crossing your face. Heart stuttering again, your palms got clammy as he pulled out of the parking lot finally, heading down the road toward the downtown area. 

Isaac parked outside a brunch place you’d passed a few times before but he’d gotten to check out yet, so you were excited. When he turned the car off, you waited for him to open the door for you again after catching his attempted discrete look in your direction.

“M’lady,” he spoke, pulling the door open and bowing slightly.

Giggling, you took his outstretched hand and stepped out, responding with an exaggerated accent, “Thank you, sir.”

“Anytime.”

He kept your hand, not that you wanted to let go, but your heart kicked up again, and you hoped that he couldn’t feel the sweat on your palm. If he did, he thankfully didn’t mention it, just swung your hands between the two of you, humming, as he led both you toward the door.

The brunch place was pretty busy, and the hostess smiled at the two of you, “Good morning, table for two?”

“Yep,” Isaac responded cheerfully.

“Inside or out?”

He looked at you, content to let you answer, and you shrugged, “Doesn’t matter to me,” you turned to the hostess, “do you have a suggestion?”

“It’s more private outside, and we have heaters.”

“Outside,” Isaac confirmed without further pause.

She raised her eyebrows, lips twitching a bit at his hasty answer, and she marked something down, before speaking again, “Follow me.”

“Private, huh?” you teased when she was gone, menus spread out in front of each of you.

He shrugged, grinning, “Yeah, I want to get to know you well, not just eat together.”

And you didn’t really have anything to say to that, throat tightening at his honest words. It was quiet at first, both of you focused on picking something to eat and ordering before he finally took a sip of the tea he ordered, clutching the cup with both hands. Isaac leaned forward, foot nudging yours under the table, and you spoke up, “So, how are your classes this semester?”

He grinned, “You really want to talk about school right now?”

“No,” you admitted, smiling sheepishly, “but I thought it could be a good ice breaker.”

“Okay, I’ll humor you. They’re good, but I miss studying with you.”

Your jaw dropped slightly, and you played with a string on the sleeve of your hoodie, “I miss studying with you too.”

“Have you been back to the coffee shop?” he asked.

Shaking your head, you reluctantly answered, “No, it felt like your space and I didn’t want to invade it.”

“I’ve been looking for you there,” he admitted, “I thought you liked it and might come back.”

 “I did,” you shrugged, “like it, at least. But the library and engineering building have become my home as of late.”

“Do you like the quiet?”

“Something like that. Less things for me to look at.”

Isaac hummed, “I get that. I like coffee shops because I feel like people are watching me and if I’m not productive, they’ll judge me.”

You snorted, “Well, that’s a way to pressure yourself into it, I suppose.”

“Yeah,” he nudged your foot with his again, “I normally like to be alone, but I wouldn’t mind some company every so often. If you can drag yourself out of your academic buildings to hang out with me sometimes.”

“No one I’d rather drag myself out of academic buildings for,” you teased.

Even though your tone was teasing, you were serious, and his smile confirmed that he realized that. You really liked that he picked up on your underlying meanings, it was something that lacked in your last relationship. That boyfriend needed things explicitly stated, which was fine, but a lot of your jokes were taken the wrong way or went over his head, and it caused a few fights.

Isaac took another sip of tea and leaned back in his chair, “So, tell me about yourself.”

“What do you want to know?”

He shrugged, eyes not leaving your face once, and you almost wanted to balk at the steady attention, “You decide.”

“Well, I’m not that interesting,” you started, only pausing when he made a noise in protest.

“I assure you,” he interrupted, “I’ll be interested in whatever you have to say.”

Squeezing your eyes shut for a second, pushing back against the sappy look desperately fighting to show on your face, you answered, “Okay, um, I’m from New York, but not any of the cities, more in the countryside. I have one sister and she’s pretty much my best friend.”

Isaac nodded, “Older?”

“Younger.”

“I had a brother, older,” Isaac told you, “but he died overseas.”

Your eyebrows furrowed, “I’m so sorry, Isaac.”

He smiled sadly, “Thank you. We weren’t really close, but it was still tough. Especially for my dad.”

“Are you close?”

Isaac snorted, “No, not even a little bit.”

It didn’t seem like he wanted to elaborate, so you decided to change the subject, “What about friends?”

His smile was small but pleased, “Stiles and Scott are my two closest. I grew up with them and they came here too.”

“Oh, that’s great,” you responded enthusiastically, “they sound like good friends.”

“They are most of the time. But sometimes they bully me. Like when I kept going on early morning runs to see this girl I liked instead of just texting her.”

You snorted, “Sounds like my sister.”

“I’m sure they’d get along then.”

“Sounds like,” you agreed, “we should never introduce them.”

“Amen,” he answered just as the waiter came over with your food. The rest of the meal was lighter, more focused on small talk than any heavy topics. You learned about his interest in drama and hatred of poetry. 

He ranted about the true villain in Hamlet for a solid five minutes, using his hands excitedly, emphasizing certain points by pointing his fork, and you were enthralled. Sure, you didn’t particularly care about Hamlet versus his stepdad, but by the end of his speech, you were more intrigued than before.

“I’ve never really understood poetry,” you admitted.

He nodded enthusiastically, “It’s so subjective. English teachers often teach it wrong. I want to change that. I want to help science brains like yours not hate English as much.”

“A very noble cause,” you joked, “but perhaps more difficult than you may think.”

“I don’t think so,” he mused, “because when we started eating, you didn’t know anything about Hamlet but now you have an opinion.”

You nodded, “That’s true, I suppose. Anyone who claims Hamlet is the true villain is incorrect.”

Isaac grinned, “Fuck yes.”

And then it was your turn to rant about physics and how the professors on campus made it ten times worse than it should’ve been. Isaac asked about some of the topics physics entailed, and to his credit, he seemed interested despite the boring subject.

“It could just be so much more pleasant, but the professors are so old and refuse to adapt.”

“A problem in English too sometimes,” he agreed, “but I’m hoping once I get to higher level courses, things will get more interesting.”

By the time he’d paid and the plates had cleared away, there were a few other tables of people around the two of you, and you knew it was about time to leave. You really didn’t want to, and it looked like he felt the same way.

“Ready?” you finally asked.

“I guess so.”

The walk to the car was quiet, and he didn’t hold your hand again, but your knuckles brushed his every so often. When you looked over, his ears were red and he was pointedly staring straight ahead. You reveled in the fact that a guy like him actually seemed flustered by your presence.

He dropped you off at your car and grabbed your wrist before you could get out, “Can we do this again sometime?”

You smiled at the slight shake in his voice, “Yeah, I’d love that.”

“Cool,” he beamed, “I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah. Text me sometime?” you asked, teasing him a bit even though both of you were guilty of not texting.

His lips twitched, “Or I’ll just see you in the morning.”

“Yeah, I guess you will.”

Suddenly, morning runs didn’t seem all that daunting.

[country-club]

Games #3

#1 / #2

*gif not mine* Warnings: mentions of puke and embarassment Wordcount: 1.959

> Remember Rafe owing you a tour?

Yesterday you hung out with Sarah and her friends. It was fun, though you were left with a headache. Thanks to JJ. The day went by rather quickly and around 8pm you called your friends to play a game of skribbl, an online drawing game. They updated you on what’s going on at home and your ‘ex’. Were you technically dating? You can’t say for sure. But it felt like you did. He quit talking to you a week before you left. In return, you told your friends about your newly made friends and Rafe. Do you like him? It’s too early to say. Is he cute? Yes. Picture? Haven’t got one. How old is he? He looks 18/19. Does he have any cute friends? Well, there’s Topper.

“Oooh, I can be his bottom!” One of your friends cheered.

“I’ll let him know, hon.” You replied.

“Yall I’m beating your asses. Do you want to play or talk about y/n’s boyhunt?” One of the guys asks. You finished the game and continued talking. One of your friends sent you a link over chat.

“Is this him, y/n?” She asks. You clicked it and found Rafe’s Instagram page. It only had a few pictures, the latest being one of him, Topper and another boy, tagged as Kelce.

“Yep, that’s him.” You scrolled through his pictures. Sarah had commented on one of his pictures. You tapped her name and looked through her feed as well. Not much here either. What about the other Pogues? Kiara was the only one you could find. The boys probably didn’t care much about social media. Kiara had some photos of baby turtles on the beach, a few of her looking stunning in every outfit she wore and 2 pictures with the boys. You sent the pictures to your friends.

“Ok, so Kiara is the girl, the boy on her left is John B, the one behind her is Pope and the blonde one is JJ.”

“Y/n, you have been blessed, you know that?”

“Are all the boys in Outer Banks this attractive?” Your friends asked. You nodded.

“Most of them are.”

“So, will you leave any for us?”

“I think John B and Sarah are dating, and Pope looked like he has a thing for Kiara. But I’ll introduce you for sure.”

“What’s JJ short for?”

“Yeah, and why is it John B? How many John’s can there be on an island?” You weren’t sure. You discussed possible names and theories. It was about 11pm when you said goodbye and hung up.

You walked downstairs to stretch your legs, debating whether or not you should go for a walk. Hmm, yes. You grabbed a hoodie, put on some sneakers and out you went. Putting on some music and shuffling through your playlist. The sky was clear, and you could see the moon and stars above you. Your guilty pleasure started playing and you almost bumped into a lamppost, trying not to make dance moves whilst walking. You walked past Sarah’s house and got caught in the headlights of a car on their driveway. You almost had a heart attack. Taking out the earpiece your shyly waved at whoever was inside. They turned the lights off. You saw a tall figure getting out of the car. Rafe.

“Hey, y/n. What are you doing out?”

“Hey, Rafe. What are you doing alone inside your car, on the driveway, at 11:30 at night?”

“I asked you first.” He said playfully.

“Just taking a walk.”

“I was about to head over to Kelce.” Kelce was the guy from his Instagram picture.

“Was?” Rafe laughed. You walked closer to him, so you could actually see his face and stop talking loudly outside.

“Didn’t think I would run into you.” What did he mean by that? Is he not going to go to Kelce because of you or does he-. Your thoughts were interrupted by Rafe’s voice. He must have noticed your confusion. “I believe I promised you a tour.” It took you a second to realize what he was talking about. You had asked him to show you around Outer Banks yesterday.

“Right, you owed me one.” Rafe nodded to his car and opened the door for you. You got in and pulled the door close. Rafe got in behind the wheel. He looked extremely good tonight. His hair wasn’t as slicked back as usual. It made him look softer. It wasn’t hot at all outside, yet he was still wearing shorts. What is it with boys and shorts even though it’s cold?

The two of you drove around Figure 8 for a while and continued on The Cut. Rafe didn’t talk much, so it was up to you. “Do you want to play 20 questions?” Rafe looked over to you.

“Only if we can take turns.” He said. Alright now you just had to think of a question. You still wanted to know what happened two nights ago. Who he had fought and why. It’s too forward.

“What was your favorite dinosaur as a child?” Rafe didn’t have to think about it.

“Triceratops.” He said.

“Still is, am I right?” You didn’t really ask. They are simply the best. Rafe took his time to come up with a question.

“Alright, if you could find out how you were going to die, would you want to know?” Well goodbye dinosaur talk.

“I don’t think I would. No matter how much I hate surprises, I’d rather not be scared of cars or bathrooms for the rest of my life, you know?”

“Why would you be scared of bathrooms?”

“I don’t know I once read that a ton of people have died in bathrooms. It’s where a lot of accidents happen you know.” He looked at you, a bit confused, amused and impressed.

“If you could go back in time to change something, what would it be?” Rafe sighed.

“Not using my dad’s money to buy a bike.” You wanted to ask more questions, but he wouldn’t let you. “I don’t want to talk about that.” Rafe added. He stopped the car. “Can I show the around the boneyard?” This is starting to sound like The Lion King. Elephant graveyard? You opened the car door and got outside, as did Rafe. Rafe locked the car and led you to the beach. There were tree trucks and branches around the beach. It does kind of look like a boneyard.

“What do you think is the ugliest animal in the world?” Rafe asked. Right 20 questions. Truth or dare, without the dare part. You had to think for a minute. What is the ugliest animal?

“Those birds from the Jungle Book. They scream so loud.”

“Vultures?” Yep those, you nodded. You were walking on the boneyard and couldn’t see much. You tried to be careful enough to not trip and make yourself look like a fool. The stars were still very pretty. You could see the Little Bear, it kind of looks like a saucepan. And there you go. Your foot got stuck on a tree branch. However, before you could hit the ground you could feel two arms holding you up. You stood up straight again.

“You alright?” He asked. To which you nodded.

“Yeah, just got distracted for a second. Can we sit down for a minute?” You asked. Rafe dusted away some sand off a trunk and sat down. You sat down next to him. “What is something you wish you were better at?”

Rafe looked up at the night sky. “Making my dad proud.” Why wouldn’t Ward be proud of him? “I just feel like sometimes I can’t do anything right, you know?” You nodded. Was this his soft spot, his dad? You didn’t ask any further questions, seeing as you barely knew him and the subject sounds personal. You looked up again as well. Seeing his face turning your way in the corner of your eye. You could feel his eyes on you. The moonlight was bright enough for him to see your features.

“Is there any memory you would like to erase from your mind?” You couldn’t help but laugh nervously and feel embarrassed already. “What’s so funny?” You looked at him and your eyes met. His blonde hair was getting slightly pushed around by the wind.

“What I’m about to tell you. Promise to keep it between us?” He promised. “Okay, so before moving to Outer Banks I had a boyfriend situation going on. And we were at my place after a party, where he had maybe a drink or two too many.” You sighed, feeling the redness on your face appear. “And we were about to..you know. But he couldn’t, because of the alcohol and then he threw up in my bed.” Rafe tried his best not to burst out in laughter, instead he put an arm around you. “He left after that. So, there I was, cleaning my barf-covered bed and desperately spraying deodorant through my room. We haven’t talked since and I’m not counting on it anymore either.” Rafe started rubbing your back.

“That really sucks man, I’m sorry that happened.” Did he just call you ‘man’? “It wasn’t supposed to be your first time, right?” You must look like a tomato right now.

“I believe it is my turn.” You switched the conversation. “What was your first crush like?” When the word left your mouth you felt like a 12 year old again. Rafe blew out some air.

“I think it was the babysitter we had as kids. She was really sweet and artsy, and stuff. Also really pretty, like you.” You couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, I invited her into my pillow fort to eat Cheez-its with me.”

“And?”

“She friendly declined my offer.” You burst out in laughing. “Hey, I didn’t laugh at your story.” He angrily joked, punching your arm.

“Mine was worse.”

“True.”

You softly punched him back. “Hey!” Rafe fake moaned, pretending you had hurt him.

“Aw, I’m sorry. Kiss to make it better?” Rafe pouted and nodded to you. As you were debating whether or not to kiss his arm, your phone started vibrating. It was your stepdad. “Shit.” It was already 12:30. He must’ve realized you weren’t home and you didn’t leave a note.

“What’s up?”

“It’s my stepdad, I really have to go home like right now.” You mumbled as you got up and started heading to the car.

“You gonna get into trouble?” He sounded the tiniest bit worried. Maybe you would. You had been staying out late the past three days and didn’t pick up the phone when your stepdad called. As Rafe pulled up a couple of houses before yours, you thanked him and got out. “I should walk with you, so your dad knows you weren’t out alone.” That somehow makes sense. He got out of the car as well and you speed walked to the front door. You unlocked it and walked inside. As if shot for a horror movie, your stepdad put on the living room lights.

“Y/n? Where have you been and why didn’t you answer my calls?”

“Steve, I’m sorry if I made you worry. I was taking a walk and bumped into Rafe, Ward Cameron’s son-“

“I remember who Rafe is. So, he just left you to walk home on your own? Do you know what time-”

This time it was Rafe who cut your stepfather short. He had waited outside and stepped in. “I would never let y/n walk alone, sir.” Your stepdad nodded.

“Bedtime, y/n. Goodnight Rafe.”

“Goodnight.” You gave Rafe a hug, to which he wrapped his arms around your middle.

“Goodnight, y/n.”

You walked up the stairs and called it a day.

#4

~Taglist~

@emmalvei-blog​

[studying-with-adult-adhd]

My Journey I Suppose

So, I’ve been promising this post for awhile and since today is National Suicide Awareness Day here in the great white north, I figured I’d go through it. Plus, I’m procrastinating. 

For it to kind of make sense, I guess I should give you some backstory. I grew up in a little village of around 800 people. Everyone knew everyone and it was an alright place (until I grew up and ya know, noticed things). I was part of a middle class family, having one older sibling and a cat. My dad spent a lot of time at work and then when he would come home, he’d be on his computer either working on stuff for football (american football) or playing his game. He never really left the house unless it was for something special. My mom worked most of the time too, she is still going. I had one real friend, which we’re still best friends today. Our moms knew each other and whatnot.

So in this village, I was unhappy. I was bullied a lot and many of the teachers hated me simply because of my brother. I was tripped constantly and belittled. I was sad and just all around not happy. I’ve also seen a lot of death in my 21 (almost 22) years of life. My grandpa died a few weeks before my 11th birthday, and my grandma had been diagnosed with ALS a few years before that. 

In February of 2010, my parents announced they were getting divorced. I was actually happy about it, since I knew I’d be going with my mom, I could start over. I could get out of the village I hated so much. We moved in with my grandparents in a big town. I ended up going to school and finishing my Grade 6 year there. During this time however, I was sexually harassed by a few older kids. My mom also ended up dating her old high school sweetheart (they just got married last month actually). 

During that summer, we moved to the big city. I was going to start my Grade 7 year there. It went alright. My aunt passed, and we had gotten a kitten who’s kidney’s failed and we had to put her down but other than that, the year went alright. I made a wonderful group of friends that the teachers had deemed “The Original 5″ and life was going pretty good. 

That summer though, things kinda took a turn. 

As we were driving back from an appointment, we witnessed a person jump from an overpass and land on the road infront of us. We were the first on scene. My stepdad called 911 and my mom went over to the person to try and assure them that help was on it’s way. Turns out, that person was from the nearby hospital and had escaped. I have no idea what happened to them. This incident messed with my head. I wasn’t sure how to process it. I didn’t get help for it. 

After that incident, my stepdad and I had a massive falling out. I didn’t treat him well, and he held grudges so things never got better. I started Grade 8 and made some of the best friends a girl could ever have. Funny enough, I’m friends with them simply because I had a massive crush on one of them. We’re still friends today, they’re like my brothers now. I started struggling with depression here a bit I think. Just felt alone and I was becoming somebody I didn’t really want to be. 

Grade 9 came and I had my first boyfriend. He was abusive as hell. I was with him for about a year or so. 

Grade 10. Ah grade 10. I finally broke up with my boyfriend. Met a new one a few months later. He raped me. I started skipping school, drinking, smoking all sorts of things, it wasn’t a good situation. I also started doing some things online with strangers. This led to some... indecent pictures of me being spread online. I no longer had internet access due to this, and I didn’t until I moved out. I was struggling hard at this point. My depression had gotten so bad that I was a shell of a human being. I didn’t want to live anymore. I wanted nothing to do with life. I would sleep all day, I wouldn’t clean, I let everything go. I wanted to die. 

Grade 11. I tried to start the school year off better. It didn’t go well. I had no support or encouragement. I had no one in my corner. I had my suicide note ready to go, i had my plan.  At some point, I was put on suicide watch at the school. I ended up dropping out once I turned 16. My mom and I both thought it was what was best for me at the time, and I don’t regret it. That assistant principal was a joke though. 

I’m going to make a separate post about the rest of this story. This was really just some of the backstory to help you guys understand a little more. Honestly, I hope that you guys read this an understand you’re not alone.  

[chaossmagic]

(( #i love seeing fics of robert and seb#because sometime the focus is soooo much on aaron's relationship with his son#that robert's doesn't get a lot of attention )) Lorna the way you just... GET ME OMG. Look I love Aaron and Seb as much as the next person but... Robert and Seb?? The way they are just everything to me???

LISTEN WE DON’T TALK ENOUGH ABOUT ROBERT’S JOURNEY TO OVERCOME SELF-HATRED AND NON-EXISTENT SELF-WORTH AND FIGHTING AGAINST HIS BELIEF IN HIS OWN INHERENT ‘WRONGNESS’ AND BEING A ‘BAD PERSON’ BECAUSE OF CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AND ABUSE TO BECOME A DAD TO HIS LITTLE BOY AND DO THE BEST HE CAN FOR HIM AND LOVE HIM SO FKIN MUCH

Like Robert would give up his own happiness if it was for something he believed was in Seb’s best interests, and yes, that would have included saying goodbye to Aaron for good if for any reason he decided he couldn’t accept him or take him in as his own  son (which we obviously know never happened).

Robert went through so much to be a dad. Aaron we know always had a good rapport with kids and coming from a big family he was used to them and deep down he probably did want them (even though he joked that he didn’t), but Robert’s experience was very different because of that very deeply scarring emotional abuse he endured as a child and teenager which led him to believe that he tainted everything he touched and that therefore, something as purely joyous and life-affirming as becoming a parent and having a child was unthinkable for someone like him, someone who was rotten to the core.

And then, y’know, there was Lachlan but he was already an older child when Robert met him and even then he was never really comfortable in a parental role and was never much of a stepdad to him, they didn’t have that relationship and the question of more children never came up, perhaps because Chrissie was older and already had the son she adored. 

But again that was partly about Robert’s own (lack of) self-worth and not really feeling like he deserved to or should be a parent.

So even at first when Rebecca gets pregnant he freaks out, because there’s still that deep-rooted sense of fear and inability to provide for a child, because at the time he was also very very self-hating and lonely and very depressed, he blamed not only himself for his own ‘badness’ and messing things up but also Rebecca and their unborn child for ruining his life too, so that was also another mental barrier that stopped him from embracing this new life as well as impending fatherhood.

He just never thought he was good enough, or capable enough, or even ‘good’ in the moral sense enough, for a child. He thought he was dirty and bad and rotten to the core and would likely ruin the life of any child he had. 

But then Seb was born, and that sense of overwhelming love he had for him almost immediately eclipsed everything else, because here was this tiny pure gorgeous little thing that he had created, him, despite what everyone said or believed about him. He’d done that. He had this tiny little boy that was pure innocence and gentleness and it all came from him. And then maybe, if his son was able to exist in the world, then he wasn’t so bad after all, right? He wasn’t this terrible person who only ever did wrong, right?

Robert explicitly said that Seb is the best part of him, and from the minute he arrived he did everything he could to make sure that that goodness was protected and defended, going to extreme lengths for him because that’s what you do when you’re a parent. He lived and breathed for his baby and that’s probably the biggest growth his character has ever had. 

Seb was the one thing Robert never thought he would or could ever have, because of his own damage and baggage and faults as a person. But he was so, so wrong. And Aaron himself kept reminding him every step of the way that he deserved it, he deserved him, they deserved to have each other and be a family, Robert and Seb, because he knew just how much Robert had overcome to be able to be a dad in the first place.

And then he loved him so much he gave him up TWICE, was willing to walk out of his life forever if it meant showing him the best example of how to do the right thing and admit when you’re wrong and have made mistakes, and that is the best thing you can do as a parent is to let your child go if it’s necessary, even if it breaks your whole heart.

[bookworlders]

the wedding date - ch. 9

percabeth fake dating!au based on The Wedding Date movie

part 1 | FFnet | ao3

masterpost

The wine was flowing.

If the rehearsal dinner gave any indication of what the ceremony was going to be like the next day, it was sure to be lavish. Piper’s mother and father, supermodel Aphrodite Love and actor Tristan McLean, were paying for the ceremony. Zeus Grace, Jason’s father and host of the rehearsal dinner, had obviously not wished to be upstaged. Zeus had hired an upscale party company to completely transform the front lawn of the Big House into some kind of fairytale winery, much to Chiron’s protest.

Every post on the wrap-around porch was wrapped in twinkling lights. The porch itself had been transformed into an altar for the rehearsal ceremony. Picnic tables laden with white table clothes, succulents, and lanterns littered the front lawn for the dinner. The parents of the bride and groom greeted the wedding party as they arrived: Tristan and Zeus shaking everyone's hands and Beryl Grace and Aphrodite shooting each other reproachful scowls — they had worn the same dress.

Percy sat with Will and Calypso as their dates rehearsed walking down the aisle. Jason’s annoying cousin, Octavian, was officiating. Percy caught Annabeth’s eye from where she stood at Piper’s side on the porch. He made faces at her until he saw her smile crack. He grinned at how cute she looked, trying to stifle her laughter. Reyna, standing directly behind Jason, noticed and followed Annabeth’s line of sight, she shot daggers at him.

When he was sure Reyna wasn’t looking anymore, Percy winked at Annabeth and motioned to her neck. She blushed.

After dance lessons, Percy and Annabeth had fooled around in their cabin before getting ready for the rehearsal dinner. Annabeth had even more hickeys on her neck to conceal after that afternoon, especially with the low-cut neckline of her lavender rehearsal dinner dress. Percy didn’t exactly know where they stood with their agreement, but he knew he was having fun with Annabeth regardless of all the lines and boundaries they had crossed by being intimate..

“You are not allowed to look at me tomorrow!” Annabeth said, punching him in the shoulder after they finished rehearsing the ceremony. Percy pulled back her chair for her as they sat down at the head table with the wedding party.

“I agree,” Reyna replied, but Percy had a feeling she was not joking at all.

The food was amazing, but the wine was better. Percy was in bliss, chowing down and refilling Annabeth’s wine glass as the parents all made their rounds of speeches. Dessert was served just as Tristan McLean concluded a monologue from one of his 90s chick flick movies that he was dedicating to Piper. The dessert was vanilla cake with blueberries.

Percy’s eyes lit up and he attacked the cake with his fork, “Heck yes!”

Annabeth grinned at his enthusiasm as she adjusted the napkin on her lap, “What is it with you and blue food?” She ate a piece, it was really delicious.

“It’s a thing between me and my mom,” Percy spoke through mouthfuls. “I asked for a blue birthday cake when I was little, and my old stepdad was being an ass, ‘Blue food doesn’t exist!’” Percy stabbed a blueberry on his fork, dark juice staining the white china. “After that, my mom made an extra effort to make me blue food like pancakes or bringing home all the blue candy from when she worked at a sweet shop.”

Annabeth reached out and brushed icing away from the corner of his mouth, “Your mom sounds great.”

Percy looked at her, smiling, “She is.”

Annabeth broke away from Percy’s gaze. Her face started to feel hot. She stood, “I’m gonna go grab some water, do you want some?” Her feet were taking her to the beverage table before Percy could respond.

Annabeth filled a glass with ice and water and downed it. She refilled it once more, gulping it down. She had felt the words I’d like to meet her about to escape her lips right then. She had to be more careful or she was going to fall into this façade. This arrangement was just for this one weekend. She was never going to meet Sally Jackson.

“Annabeth! Hello, dear.”

She turned, “Aphrodite, hello.” Piper’s mom reached by her to fill her glass with ice. She managed to make the casual, rustic dinner outside of the Big House look like the backdrop of a photoshoot. Annabeth thought, she was too beautiful, too perfect.

“How was the food?” Aphrodite asked, gazing at her as she sipped her water. She had the same kaleidoscope eyes Piper had, but whereas Piper’s gaze was warm and comforting, Annabeth could barely look her mother in the eye.

“It was great. Nice speeches too.”

Aphrodite smiled, her lipstick unsmudged by her glass, “It’s nice to see you sitting over there with your date.”

Annabeth’s stomach dropped, she already hated where this conversation was going yet she just nodded and smiled.

“You’re such a pretty girl,” Aphrodite continued, “You’d never have thought with a face like that that you’d have such trouble in the love department. Well, then I saw how you are about work and your little job. I’m so happy that you finally found love! It feels so much better than drawing some buildings, doesn’t it?”

Annabeth’s jaw tensed, “Yes.” After years of friendship with Piper, she learned it was best not to argue with her mother.

“Your career may be what makes you happy, but love is what you needed.”

“Right, Aphrodite,” Annabeth muttered through gritted teeth, she gripped her glass and walked back over to the table.

She was fuming when she sat down.

“Whoa, whoa,” Percy asked, cautiously, seeing her tensed shoulders, “What did I do now?”

Annabeth crossed her arms. “Not you,” she spat, “Piper’s mother ugh. She had some commentary about my personal life again.” Annabeth hated, hated, hated conversations with Piper’s mother because they always ended like that. A successful career and love are not mutually exclusive.

However, in Annabeth’s case, it had been. Luke had left her because she chose her job.

Percy took her hand, “Hey, come on, forget her, let’s dance.”

The wine had loosened Annabeth enough to actually join Percy on the makeshift dance floor, and the mandatory shots for the bridal party got her to let Percy twirl her into the middle of the dance circle.

Michael Bublé’s “Sway” came on next, and Percy and Annabeth made for Will and Nico as they salsa-ed into the middle.

Annabeth’s left hand rested lightly on Percy's shoulder as they swayed on the outskirts of the dance floor. As the sun went down, fireflies began to twinkle on the lawn.

“Is this even real?” Annabeth muttered, her gaze following a lightning bug, “How did we get here?”

Percy chuckled, twirling her, “Not sure.”

“For real, how did you become an actor, Percy?”

Percy shrugged as Bublé transitioned to Sinantra, “I never wanted to be an actor when I was younger, I just wanted to swim. Competitive swimming led to scholarships. I was undeclared and Grover was my freshman roommate and he did tech for the theater department. I hung around him and other theater majors who ended up casting me in their studio shows for fun. When I needed to declare a major, the only thing I had enough credits in was theater.”

“I’ve never met anyone who was an actor who didn’t want to be.”

“I like it, I really do. I don’t want to be famous or anything, though. There are enough acting gigs in New York and connections from college to keep me busy and employed until the next thing.”

“What’s the next thing?”

“I like acting, but not forever. I might go back to school, maybe a masters? I have a little sister, Estelle, so I want to stay New York.”

“How old is she?”

“She’s only nine, she’s my half-sister from stepdad, Paul. I want to be there as she grows up so I would never leave New York.”

“That’s what we all said.”

“Hm?”

Annabeth’s expression fell, “We all said we’d never leave New York. I’m the only one left. We all went to camp up here, and I remember we all talked about how we’d move to the city together. We all did at first, but eventually everyone moved to New Rome out in California.”

“Yuck,” Percy joked, “Imagine leaving the greatest city in the world for California.”

“I don’t know, what’s New York given me? Rent I can barely keep up with and my only friends now are my roommate’s.”

“Not true. Look at you, only 25-years-old and the most successful architect I’ve ever met.”

“You meet a lot of architects?” Annabeth grinned.

“No, but I know you designed that new building on Lexington Avenue.”

Annabeth’s heart warmed at the fact that he remembered the building she was proudest of designing.

“Why did you want to be an architect?”

Annabeth paused, they weren’t dancing as much as just swaying in place with the music now. She thought about it, “I wanted to build something permanent. Everyone in my life is always leaving and moving, but buildings will be there pretty much forever. Camp is the only home I’ve ever known.

“I moved around a lot with my mom and my dad and step family and my cousins in Boston. I finally asked my dad to send me to boarding school just so I at least knew where I would be for the next four years no matter where he moved. Boarding school and camp. Even my friends, Piper and all of them moved back to New Rome. I’m just tired of people leaving.”

Annabeth’s last thought hung in the air between them. Percy brushed a strand of hair out of her face. The song changed into an upbeat pop track.

“Oh gods, here she comes,” Annabeth muttered.

“Who?”

“Annabeth! Well, this must be the first time you’ve ever gotten on the dance floor, isn’t it?” Aphrodite said, walking over to the couple. She eyed Percy and grinned, her perfectly white teeth glinting, “And I finally get to meet your date.”

“Er, Percy, this is Piper’s mom, Aphrodite. Aphrodite, this is my, uh, boyfriend, Percy Jackson.”

Percy held out his hand, “Nice to meet you, Mrs. McLean.” Aphrodite held her out like she expected Percy to kiss it. He awkwardly shook it.

“Oh, please, call me Aphrodite. Piper’s father and I are not married.”

“Oh sorry-”

“You know, I’ve always had a knack for couples, and you two simply look perfect together. Seeing you in this particular setting. Annabeth, I’m sure you’re just itching to walk down the aisle after last year-”

“Mom! There you are,” Piper called, walking over to them with Jason in tow, “Um, Dad is telling Jason’s parents how you guys met, you better get over there-”

“Tristan knows I hate the way he tells that story, he tripped me on the red carpet…” Aphrodite muttered, stalking over to the parents’ table.

“Sorry about my mother, Percy,” Piper nudged his arm, “But, hey! You survived a conversation with her at a wedding so you’ll survive any holiday with us now.”

Percy shrugged, “I’ve dealt with worse.”

“Speaking of which,” Jason said, “You really got along well with all of us this weekend, it’s like you’ve been part of our little family this whole time.”

“Wow, thanks, man. That means a lot.” Annabeth gripped Percy’s arm tighter.

“Good, because we need a favor. Dakota’s flight is delayed in Ohio, he’s going to try to drive up tonight to make it in time for the reception tomorrow, but would you fill in tomorrow during the ceremony for him? You can walk Annabeth down the aisle and Nico can walk with Drew.”

“Oh, yeah, sure. I’d be honored,” Percy said, somewhat surprised.

“Oh, gods,” Piper said, glancing over to their parents along with other partygoers since the volume of their conversation was escalating, “We better go deal with that.”

“Hey,” Percy, nudging Annabeth who had been strangely silent during the conversation, “You okay?”

“I just need another drink. Make that two. But hey, I guess you’re entitled to the free bar now that you’re part of the wedding party.”

Percy threw his arm around her shoulders, “Coming right up, milady.” He steered her to the bar.

Annabeth was drunk. So drunk that if Percy let go of her waist, she’d probably fall right over. Good thing Annabeth had no intention of letting go of Percy any time soon.

She was all over him, and she wasn’t the only one to notice. The bridesmaids and groomsmen were crowded around the beverage table as Leo called for another round of wedding party shots. Annabeth threw her glass back confidently, aware of Luke watching her. He’d been staring at her all night. Of course, Annabeth stared right back at Luke as she looped her arms around Percy’s neck. Luke grimaced and stalked away.

A song Leo had requested came on and they all dispersed back to the dancefloor. Annabeth, in no shape to dance, dragged Percy back to their table.

“You are doing fantastic!” Annabeth said, grinning, her nose inches away from Percy’s face.

“Thanks?”

“Did you see Luke’s face? He looks like he wants to just about die. You must really look into me. Oh, gods, they all love you, especially Piper. When I tell them, it’ll break their hearts.”

“Tell them what?”

“That we broke up.”

“What?”

“Yeah, we’ll eventually have to fake break up, but we shouldn’t drag this on any longer than we have to. We can’t fake date forever or we’ll have to fake engaged, then get fake married and have a fake wedding. I’ll probably wait until they’re back from their honeymoon to tell them we broke up. I don’t know, I’ll say I got too busy at work.” Annabeth mulled over, her eyes getting glassy.

“Uh, yeah. Right...that would be believable. You choosing work over me.”

Was that a dig at her? Annabeth’s brain was too foggy for her to comprehend. She reached for her glass of wine. However, her depth perception was quite off and she knocked the glass directly into Percy’s lap. He yelped as the red liquid seeped into his slacks.

“Oh, Percy! I’m so sorry!” Annabeth jumped up and grabbed a napkin off the table and began furiously rubbing Percy’s crotch.

“I got it, I got it!” Percy protested, trying to stop her assault on his pants.

“Let me help you-”

“Annabeth, stop,” People took her wrists, struggling to pry her hands off of him and bumping into his drink spilled on Annabeth’s shoes.

“Look what you did, you’re such a Seaweed Brain! Just let me help you!”

“Look at what I did, look what you did, Wise Girl!”

Annabeth dropped the napkins, crossing her arms. Percy sighed, looking down at his now ruby stained trousers.

“What the hell is going on over here? Lover’s tiff already?” Thalia asked, sauntering over to the couple.

Percy panicked, his arm immediately went around her waist to pull Annabeth into his lap to hide the stain, “Of course not, just, uh, talking you know.”

Thalia laughed, “Relax, Percy, accidents happen. Annabeth gets clumsy when she’s drunk.”

“Hey!”

Annabeth moved back to her own seat, “I do not.”

Percy rose, grabbing a napkin to hide the stain, I’m just going to run back to the cabin and change. I’ll be right back, okay?” Percy kissed her on the forehead before walking away, whether for show in front of Thalia or habit, Annabeth had no idea.

“You guys are too cute,” Thalia said.

Annabeth smiled tightly, if anyone was going to see through this ruse, it was going to be Thalia.

“Come get another drink with me, Annie.”

At the beverage table, Thalia got a glass of wine, but Annabeth opted for water.

“Annabeth, I need to tell you something.”

Percy made sure not to lose his balance on the steep path back to the Big House from the cabins. He had a fresh pair of pants on, and was eager to get back to the party.

“Hey!”

Percy turned to see Luke Castellan trekking up the hill to meet him, “Oh, you.”

Luke stalked right up to him, “Listen, dude. I don’t know who the fuck you are-”

“Whoa, Luke, chill out,” Percy could smell the alcohol radiating off of him, giving him flashbacks to his childhood apartment locked up with his terrible first stepdad, Gabe, “You’re drunk.”

“Don’t tell me what the fuck I am. I don’t know who you are-”

“I’m Annabeth’s boyfriend-”

“Clearly, she just brought you here to make me jealous. Are you from work? You’re just some bitch architect at her firm, aren’t you?”

“Listen, Luke. I’m not doing this-”

“I’m sure she seems like she’s super into you, but she’s not over me yet.”

Percy glowered, “Fuck off, Luke. Get out of here. Sleep this off.”

Luke glared, downing the rest of his drink and stalking away.

“What is it, Thals? Is something wrong?” The two had walked over to a grove of tears to talk, further away from the rehearsal dinner.

Thalia looked like she was about to cry. Annabeth had never seen her cry.

“I’m in love with Luke.”

Annabeth blinked, she definitely just had a stroke. From the heat or from the alcohol, but, “What?”

“Annabeth, I’m in love with Luke. I’ve been in love with Luke. Since we were all younger. The whole time you guys were dating, it broke my heart every fucking day.”

“Thalia, I...I don’t know what to say.”

“I know it’s awful because we’re best friends. The three of us were best friends. It didn’t even make me happy when you guys broke up last year because I knew you were still so in love with him. Every time we talked on the phone when I moved to New Rome, I knew you weren’t over the engagement yet.”

“I-”

“But now, I see you with Percy and you’re so happy and we love Percy. Luke and I are so much closer now in New Rome, and I like him. Maybe you can finally get over Luke and-”

“I’m paying him.”

“What?”

“I’m paying him. Percy. I paid him to come here to make Luke jealous. He’s not my boyfriend.”

[calpalirwin]

According to Plan

A/N: Let’s see how that date goes!

And away, and away we go!

~~~

Chapter 4

Ashton

~~~

“Okay,” Calum said, exasperated as he paused the game after killing my character for the millionth time. “What is it now?”

“Huh?” I responded, shaking my head to clear it. The big date with Madison was soon. Our impending date had been at the forefront of my mind since I’d asked her. No regrets or second thoughts. Just raw nerves. I wanted her to enjoy herself, not push for anything she wasn’t comfortable with. But, it was going to be harder than any other date I’ve been on.

“Madison, stupid,” Riley retorted. “When we said to find a decent girl, we didn’t mean the next girl you see.”

“Crystal practically set us up and now you’re saying you guys don’t like her?”

“She didn’t say that,” Calum defended his girlfriend. “She’s saying don’t fuckin ruin it. Madison’s not like regular girls.”

“That’s what I like about her.”

“Dude. I’m serious. It sounds like she’s been through a lot.”

“Dude, I’m not an asshole. I actually really like her.”

“I know, and I’m just saying be careful.”

“I’m not making a mistake, am I? I mean, as far as girls go, Madison and Claire are on complete opposites.” I was starting to panic. Who asks out a girl they just met? Not just that, but a girl who had a clear communication barrier? I didn’t want to fuck this up, for either of us.

“Good job, Cal, he’s overthinking. You all are. It’s one date, you weirdos,” Sierra put in.

“She’s right,” Luke agreed. “It’s just a date to see how you guys like it. You both know that. Relax, you took Claire on plenty of dates.”

“Yeah, but this is… well…”

“Way fuckin different?” Crystal laughed.

“Yeah.” I looked at my watch. “Shit… I gotta start getting ready.”

An hour later I was pulling up in front of her house. I flipped down my visor and looked at myself in the little mirror one last time. My hair was unruly like it always was. My plaid shirt was unbuttoned, showing my dark blue shirt I had on underneath.

I shut my truck door with my hip, then bounded up to her porch. I took a deep breath to calm any last minute jitters before I knocked on the door.

Mike swung up open the door. “Hey, man. She’s just finishing up. Come on in,” he turned to me again, moving aside so I could step inside.

I followed Mike into the living room where the parents were. The mom looked up. “You must be Ashton,” she greeted, getting up to introduce herself. “I’m Karen, and this is my husband, Daryl.” She nudged her husband who just nodded.

“Nice to meet you, ma’am,” I said, shaking her hand. “Sir,��� I turned to the husband to shake his hand as well.

“Mads will just be a minute,” Mrs. Clifford said, shooting a glance at Mike who took that as a cue to run upstairs real quick. “Please, have a seat.” She gestured to the couch and sat back down next to her husband.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, sitting down.

“Are they being weird?” Mike asked me as he came back down the stairs. “They don’t really know what to do. It’s been a while since Mads has had friends. They did the same thing when the girls came over yesterday.” He sighed as he sat down next to me.

“Sweet girls,” the mom commented. “I liked them. It was nice of them to offer to help Madison.” She paused for a moment. “So, Ashton?” she started.

“No,” Mr. Clifford finally spoke. “We told Mads we wouldn’t do that. She made her choice.”

“I’m sorry?” I asked, confused.

“They want to interrogate you. Mads made them promise not to. It’s part of what we do to… uh... normalize her... I guess. Let her make her own decisions about things,” Mike explained.

“Normalize? Really, Mike?” Mrs. Clifford scolded.

Mike rolled his eyes, “Yeah, cause you can explain it so much better…”

“Just be patient,” Mr. Clifford started to tell me. “It might take her a little time for her to read your lips. Do you know sign language?”

“A little, yeah.”

“That’s good. Any bit really helps,” Mrs. Clifford smiled.

Are you interrogating him? Madison signed as she made her descent.

“Just making sure you have a good time on your date, Mads,” her dad said, sounding a little choked up.

Her brow furrowed and then she shrugged. She turned to me, You’re early.

“Were you expecting me to be late?” I asked, getting up off the couch.

I wasn’t expecting anything.

“Oh… You ready to go?”

Yes.

“Okay, well, it was nice meeting you all,” I told her family.

“Nice meeting you, Ashton,” the mom replied.

“Be safe,” her dad said.

“Good luck,” Mike grinned.

I’ll be back later, Madison told them.

“Okay, Mads. Just enjoy yourself, sweetie,” her mom told her.

As we walked out to my truck, I took in how amazing she looked. The dress that cut off at her knees looked great on her small frame. Her hair was down, the blonde locks blowing in the summer wind. “You look beautiful,” I told her as I opened the door for her.

Thanks, she said, then after a pause, Your shirt is nice. I like dark colors.

“Me too,” I answered, before closing her door. “All set?” I asked as I got in on the driver’s side.

She clicked her seatbelt, then nodded.

I turned on the ignition and my radio blasted music through the speakers. She pressed her hand against the speaker, smiling. “You like it?” I asked.

Yes. I like the way it feels. Is it loud?

“My parents think so. I think it’s just as loud as it needs to be.”

She nodded, taking in my words. How loud do like it?

“Loud enough to make me forget about the rest of the world. Helps me process while acting like a barrier. If my music’s loud enough, then it’s just me and the music. No other sounds required.”

She didn’t sign anything in response, but instead turned to look out the window, her hand resting on the speaker as I drove to my house.

Your house is big, she signed when we walked up my drive.

“A little, I guess.” I paused before the front door. “Ready?”

Yes.

I opened the door and led her into the living room where my little brother was on the floor watching television. I tapped him on the shoulder.

He turned and grinned at me. “Hey, Ash! Wanna play a game with me?”

“Later, okay? I got company.”

“Ooo!” he teased. “Mom! Ash and his girlfriend are here!” he hollered.

My cheeks flushed red, just as my sister’s voice called out behind me, “Ew, get a life, Harry. Hey, Ash. Who’s this?”

“Lauren, Harry, this is Madison. Madison, these are my younger siblings.”

Madison smiled and offered a small wave.

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone else,” I told her, holding out my hand for her to take.

She took my hand for a second before pulling away to sign. Who is everyone else?

“Just my mom and my dad. Well, stepdad really. My biological father… well Jeff’s been around since I was 4, so he’s Dad.”

Oh, I’m so sorry…

“It’s fine,” I said, shaking my head. “My actual father’s a jerk, to put it mildly. The perfect example of what I don’t want to be.”

She squeezed my hand, lightly. 

“Ready to meet Mom and Dad?” I asked, pushing thoughts of my biological father as far away as possible. It had been years since I brought him up and to think of him left me sick to my stomach. Him and Jeff were the perfect example of what a father was and what a dad was. And I wanted to be a dad someday. 

She smiled. Let’s go.

“Okay, come on.” I led her through the hallway to the kitchen. “Hey, Mom,” I greeted.

“Ash, whatever it is, it’ll have to wait. I’m a lit-” my mom stopped mid-rambling to stare at Madison.

“Mom, this is Madison. Madison, this is my mom.”

My mom smiled at her, “It’s nice to meet you, Madison. I’m Anne. Did Ashton offer you anything to eat or drink?”

“Mom…”

“What? Ashton, you need to be a good host. Madison, dear, are you hungry or thirsty? Can I get you anything?”

Madison looked at me, uncertain.

“Mom, Madison’s deaf. You gotta slow down so she can read your lips.”

“Oh, sorry dear. Did you want anything to eat or drink?” she asked, enunciating her words carefully.

I’m okay, Madison told her, thank you.

“Dad in the office?” I asked Mom.

“Yes. More business as usual. Tell him to remember it’s the weekend for me, please.”

“Sure thing,” I sighed. “Come on, Madison. I’ll take you to meet my dad.”

Did you sigh? Are you okay? Madison asked as we walked towards the office.

“Yeah, I’m fine. My mom doesn’t like my dad working on weekends. She thinks that if he won’t listen to her, he might listen to me. Doesn’t always work out, though.” 

I could hear my dad’s voice through the office door. I opened it and walked in, Madison following me. He continued his phone conversation, not noticing us. Madison looked at me and I shrugged. I cleared my throat loudly to get his attention.

 His head snapped up towards us. “James, I’m gonna need to call you back,” he said, hanging up the phone. “Hi, I’m Jeff, Ash’s dad.”

She nodded politely and shook his hand.

“Nice to meet you. Madison, right?” he asked.

Madison just continued to smile politely.

“Woman of few words, huh?” he joked.

“She’s completely deaf, Dad. But yeah, this is Madison,” I told him.

“Shit, sorry,” my dad said. “Ash told us he was bringing a girl over, but failed to mention... Sorry.”

Madison waved her hand dismissively, accepting his apology.

“She can read lips pretty well,” I explained.

He nodded, an embarrassed smile still on his lips. “Uh, Ash, tell your mom I’ll be another minute,” my dad told me. “James and I were going over the schedule for next week.”

“Oh, well if you need someone, I’m free.”

Ashton, we’ve been over this. Until you finish college, you only work part-time,” my dad said firmly.

I balled my hands into fists, turning to Madison. “Come on, we can go watch the movie, now.” I quickly led her out of the office and upstairs to my room. I needed to get away from him. His emphasis on my getting an education was always a sore spot for me. In my opinion, since I had the skills to work on cars, I should do that rather than waste time in college. I wasn’t going to let it ruin my day though. “Uh, I didn’t think to ask what movies you like. Sorry. I have a lot though, so just go ahead and pick. I’ll go get us some popcorn and drinks.” 

Your dad said that you needed to focus on an education, Madison said, putting down her purse, her eyes scanning the DVDs. But you said that you wanted to play soccer and work on cars.

“Yeah. I do. I’m good at school, but it’s not my thing. My dad thinks it should be, though.”

I don’t understand.

“I don’t really want to explain it,” I said.

Did I upset you? I can’t understand tone, sorry.

“It’s not you. My dad just frustrates me sometimes. We don’t always see eye to eye.”

Oh. Did you want to listen to your music?

“It’s fine. I can listen later. Did you find a movie?”

Music makes you feel better, right? I want you to feel better.

I sat down on my bed and stared at her. “You really want to listen to music with me?”

She just looked at me.

“Right,” I muttered. Then, “Are you sure?”

She nodded.

I plugged my phone into my stereo, cranked the volume up, then turned on a music app. “Thanks,” I told her. Claire never wanted to listen to music with me. We always had to do something. It was nice that Madison was more content with staying still.

She nodded and sat down next to me on the bed. She pointed at my stereo. Can you bring it closer so I can touch the speakers? I like the vibrations.

“Sure,” I smiled, setting it next to her. Damn, I thought to myself, I was really starting to like this girl.

I like this date, she signed, laying back on the bed.

“Good, I do too.” I laid back with her. I reached out to grab her hand that wasn’t resting against the speaker.

We stayed like that for so long, my music app stopped, silence crashing down around us. Is this what boyfriends and girlfriends normally do? she signed after a few moments, sitting up.

I sat up to look at her so she could see my lips while I signed. “I haven’t, but I imagine there are couples who do. Why?”

Is this what you would want to do if we were a couple?

“It would be one of the things. I’d also take you places, and we’d do things you like to do. There would be a lot more hand-holding. Kissing, too.”

I like doing this. I don’t think I’m ready for kissing, though. But, I do like the hand-holding. With you, anyway. I’m not sure about other people.

“Well, that’s the cool part of being a couple. You only date each other.”

You’re really nice to me.

“Well, yeah. I like you.”

Would you be nice if you didn’t like me?

“I would be nice to you regardless of how I felt. Nobody deserves to be treated badly. But, yeah, I do actually like you. 

Why?

“Some of it has to do with the fact that I find you attractive. But, more of it has to do with the fact that I just genuinely like you. You’re also a nice person. You were willing to do something that made me feel better, even though you didn’t have to.”

She took a moment to respond, no doubt thinking over my words. Processing them slowly. Okay, she finally signed. I like dating you. I would like to continue dating you. But, you have to promise to be honest with me. And patient because it takes me a while to process what you say. My lack of response doesn’t mean I wasn’t paying attention. I just need more time than hearing people. Also, I don’t know how to be anyone’s girlfriend, so I’ll probably be bad at it. But, I’m a fast learner.

I laughed and cupped both her hands in mine. “I can be honest as long as you’re honest back. And it takes just as much time for me to process your sign language as it takes for you to process reading my lips, so be patient with me too, okay? And I don’t know how to be your boyfriend anymore than you know how to be my girlfriend. We can learn together, okay?”

Yeah, I can do that.

“Okay. Then it’s official.”

Do we kiss now?

I laughed again. “Do you want to?”

Yes. Do you?

“A lot, actually,” I admitted. “I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” I licked my lips and looked at hers. Kissing her had been pretty much the only thing on my mind for the past few days.

I’m not uncomfortable.

“You’re absolutely sure you want to kiss me?”

I would like to know what it’s like. But I’m probably not a good kisser.

“It’s easy, watch.” I took a deep breath and leaned in. My lips brushed softly against hers, briefly, before I pulled away. “Well?” I asked, my lips tingling. It felt nice to kiss a girl again. It felt even better knowing that it was Madison I was kissing. All I wanted was to kiss her again. If I only kissed her for the rest of my life, I would be more than content.

She brought a finger to her lips, gingerly touching were my lips had just been. Her cheeks were flushed and her green eyes were shining. I liked that.

“Me, too.”

Is the date over?

“It doesn’t have to be. Are you not having fun anymore?”

This is the most fun I had ever. But don’t dates end after the kiss? They do in the movies.

“It doesn’t have to be over. We can keep hanging out.”

Is there a difference between a date and hanging out?

“Uh… well anyone can hang out. It’s more casual. A date would be more like if we actually did something. Like if we went to see a movie or out to eat.”

I like to eat.

I laughed. “I like to eat, too. Are you hungry? We can go somewhere and eat. Actually have our date.”

Can we go get ice cream?

I laughed again. “Ice cream sounds perfect.” I rolled off the bed and grabbed my keys off my nightstand. I put my radio back on my nightstand, unhooking my phone and slipping it into my pocket. “Ready?”

She nodded.

I held my hand out for her, and when she grabbed it, I gave her hand a small, firm squeeze. We bounded down the stairs and I shouted a “Be back later,” to no one in particular as we headed out the door.

[icharchivist]

 i’ve got a spiral down about my past and needed to throw it all out somewhere sorry about that, scroll past

under cut cw: self harm mentions, suicide idealization mentions, the usual deal from my parents, abandon issues and even slight bigotery discussion that has nothing interesting to say, just me being upset at my parents, so please just scroll past. 

Honestly i act as cheerful as possible lately and to be honest, i truly am happier than i had been in a long while - my current hyperfixation helping a lot and i think it also helps me process some things that I need to process as of now, especially the whole “living in the present, moving forward and try not to think too much of the past” angle that i obsess about lately -

but there’s not a single day that passes where i’m not angry at my family, that i’m not frustrated, that i don’t want to scream. I look back at my past and want to destroy it all, throw it all out, hating every single minute of it. 

And it’s while it’s better now that my (ex)stepdad left for good (I still have the 6 fucking years of trauma he left me with to deal with though) and that my mom is barely there bc she’s happily living with her bf right now (and even there this bad, bitter part of me is just BITTER that she can just move on and be happy as if i hadn’t been miserable due to her decisions in that whole time) - there is still the case of the fact that there’s this trial against my dad that is bringing back sour memories because my dad just... come to shake things bc he sucks. 

And meanwhile i’m happy i don’t have the weigh to bother with my mom but like?? that adds to all the times i’ve felt neglected, abandonned, left behind. And she will be /happily/ doing so and i must be happy bc she’s happy. 

All those problems i have to still process the consequences to shouldn’t even have been problems to start with. There is no reason any of it is fair, any of it is worth it. 

And like everytime i look back i just see how miserable it made me and how i still pay those decisions to this day: hell right now my hands hurt like crazy and GEEZ. bc what is handicaping my hand? a sickness that started due to high dose of stress my parents put me under AND neglect bc my mom argued for months i didn’t need to see a doctor and we didn’t have the means for it, leading to me contracting a deadly disease that will ALWAYS remain in my blood and always show up again when i’m having some pick of stresses and that still forbid me to do things to that day.

And like... everytime i start to be in pain i get frustrated because those problems, i’ve learnt to deal with them and i especially learnt to shut the fuck up about it. Because even if those are things that could kill me, it’s always things that do it /slowly/ so my parents don’t care?? they just tell me to stop complaining and move on? Like i almost had a ulcer and since then can’t eat some stuff anymore but does that stop my mom from just cooking it and joking that “she too is in pain eating them”? 

And i’m frustrated because I compare to my sister who had also been deadly sick, but those deadly got very quick and concerning very fast so my mom at least always overprotected her - and that’s good and fine, i’m glad my sister got the support she needed, but in the meantime when I got my deadly sickness i was just told to suck it up and that we couldn’t see a doctor because see it’s slow so it’s not important? 

And there’s not a day without those thoughts to come back to me. And it frustrates me, it makes me want to yell. 

And like. Like. My mental health had been SO BAD for ALL THOSE YEARS and all i’ve ever heard was my mom in denial shutting me off everytime i tried to bring it up because “no no because it’d mean you’re crazy and you can’t be crazy” mom i’m telling you i want to kill myself pay fucking attention, or worse, my dad who used my confession to my mom about self harm (that my mom welcomed with fucking “I have more important things to deal with” before snitching to my dad that it was his fault while i didn’t want to tell my dad) tO PUT IT IN COURT and tlel the judge that my mental unstability “caused by my mom” was why he shouldn’t give me allowance and lol i was 15??? And that led my dad to make suicide jokes at my expense to total strangers as i grew up???

And then 4 years ago  when i cut ties with my dad he started to send threats telling me he was going to send doctors from the mental institude against us because we were “dangerous to society because we’re mentally unstable” for thinking he should pay the fucking allowance, and he’s threatening this very thing again now??? 

Meanwhile like even my mom told me that perhaps i should keep low my attempts at therapy because my dad might use it against me and like?? like??? in what fucking world. 

And I think back to those once in a while, those thoughts sneak back into my mind and i’m angry, i’m so angry, i’m so so angry at this past. I want to tear it off i want to remove it I just don’t want it. I am tired of staying up at night reviewing my trauma because my brain finds it funny to remind me that everything went downhill and i’m trying to fix what people had destroyed around me and i wonder why i even bother it’s not like i knew how it was when it wasn’t broken and i don’t see why i have to put this much effort into all of this that shouldn’t have happened to start with. 

and I can see random things and it sets off the spiral down, anything that is a cute tongue and cheek thing about your past can make me remember stupid things that happened and then it’s over for the few hours that follow because i need to review AAAALL of that trauma, including things i have no reason to remember about like my fucking ex. 

And it happens over and over and over again.

I’ve ended up having a rather weird spiral down rn bc when my brain keeps me awake at night i try to focus on learning Japanese so i still stimulate my brain and distract myself from mental breakdown, but it comes with its lots of trauma, like the fact my mom had always been pretty bigoted toward this culture and had always made me feel bad for being curious about it, that i’ve wanted to study it for ever but my mom always killed it in some way or another, that i was made ridicule for it, and hell so did my Dad, he was no better he was just less virulant than her and just more humiliating. My mom was shutting me off and my dad was humiliating me, they made such a goddamn duo (and anyway from the letters i’ve found back from my sister running away that was already their combo kill before, lmao, and they still do that while divorced ofc).

And I was thinking what would be THE event in my life i could change that would have saved me all that trouble? And i think, if my grandmother took me with her when she took my sister away from my family. If i grew up with them what would have happened? 

And I was thinking, geez my mom always told me they were horrible people and i mean the apple can’t have fallen so far from the tree right? Like, how is there any garentee it could have been better except for the fact my sister got a happy life there.

and from all the things I could remember i remembered that they moved away back to the island my mother grew up to that is nearby Japan (which was my mom’s justification for being bigoted), and that for a couple of months when i was 14 where my mom managed to get in contact back with her mother (not allowed to talk back to my sister though and that’s when things turned sour but that’s a whole other can of worms), and for that slight time my grandmother actually talked back to me and was the most encouraging person from my whole family, and she had patrons from Japan so since she knew i was interested she sent me goodies she could find, like a traditional fan i still have, and she was even talking about how my mom and I could move in with them, and that i’d study there and study the language and all and it was already more support than i’ve ever had before which i’ve never realized until now and i started to cry in the kitchen out of nowhere (probably not helping i was making onigiri so it’s the mood i guess)

and like all of this was a lie since a few weeks later she told my mom last minute that we weren’t allowed to approach them anymore since my sister didn’t want to see her anymore (DUH that’s why she ran away) so we had to change our plans last minute and we lost contact and i’ve lost pretty much all interests i had at the time because now i associated it to a sour memory, and i suppose that’s part of the reasons why i hadn’t considered studying Japanese again until pretty recently (that and the fact my mom still found bigoted boyfriends who belittled me for that as well but hey when the shoe fits i guess)

 and i guess this whole spiral down i was thinking, i was told all my life they were horrible people and I don’t know them enough to have judged them, yet in a couple of months i was in contact with them they had shown more support to me than my family ever did. 

And it just... guh.

I feel like ever since i’ve read my sister’s file and that every affection i still had for my family broke, everyday is just a flood of remembering memories i’ve repressed of slight neglects here and there, or things i’ve been in denial about because it couldn’t have been that bad right? 

And I feel like.. the more now i’m trying to be in a better place mentally, and to sieze things I want, the more i remember why i wasn’t doing those to begin with and it’s not just my mental health being bad because of my parents, it was the whole package the problem, i have this sort of trauma on every aspect of my life, there’s not a single thing i can think back without taking it in the lense of feeling betrayed by my family in some regards. 

And hell even to some extend i feel so, so upset that those bounds with my families are things I want to throw out to start with, because I value the principle of legacy, but my family never did and I think back about the fact my parents come from very different and vast cultures that has nothing to do with France (my father is southern italian, my mother is of jewish descendant (as in she herself considers herself atheist and she never passed it down but she was raised in the faith) with her family branches from Algeria and she grew up in tropical islands surrounded by their cultures) and that they always, always specifically made sure i never knew about it until very late, shutting me off of it and then being mad that i don’t know stuff from my father’s side or mad that I get curious about others things in general. 

and i feel misplaced, i feel like this odd number that never got the attention of my parents, that didn’t inherit anything and perhaps it’s better this way, but i’ve been envious all my life of this concept and now i keep thinking and thinking and thinking about what the hell went wrong and there’s nothing in my control, just trying to break the paterns over and over again. (and all of this not helped by the fact it was the same as school for similar reasons, so the problem always felt like a me thing, it takes forever to try to heal from it)

All while also i was the one who took care of all of them, ALL of them, of my mother’s trauma, of my father’s abuse, of my sister projecting her abandons issues on me and my eldest that left such a ghost in our life i have no memory of despite this weigh, all while dealing with life’s problems, school, bullying, my fucking ex, and I had to think about it, i had to take a lot of responsabilities very young to stop my mother from collapsing and to try to stop my father from hurting us, and it comes back, it comes back that i should have never taken this burden to start with, and that all this burden i’ve taken is for a family who had never connected with me, never tried to and always making me feel bad for doing so, and the people i’ve villified all my life as a coping mechanism ends up making me feel a sort of homesickness i don’t even know how to express because i don’t know what it is to have a home that doesn’t hurt and no place of escape was ever actually safe.

And i want to move on, i want to move past that, i’m tired to deal with those ghosts all over and over again, it should never have happened to start with. I am so frustrated of those battles i should never have had to pick, of this responsability i’ve taken, and now between my mom just going on living her life happy go lucky leaving me to fend on my own as if she hadn’t destroyed my life and my father who keeps arguing of how much of a terrible person i am for just asking for the rightfull help my parents owe me, all while also my father keep making me feel guilty about the disconnect i have with my family, about how i’ve cut ties with everyone, that i neglect this heritage i have, so much that the timing leaps over the things i want to focus on now and i grow bitter and bitter and there’s nothing my parents aren’t always poisoning in some way or another. 

I’ve been told all my life to not mimick my eldest, hearing humiliating things about her with the constant threat of “dont be like her” and now i yearn for having understood her back then and having done like her sooner instead of trying all my life to do the extra miles to not hurt my parents again the way she hurt them, while she was right, she was right all along and i’ve villified her all my damn life while she was right and i should have done the same far earlier if i hadn’t been made to feel guilty about having this clear exemple of a way out in front of me.

And i’m tired and i’m tired and i want out i hate this life i hate every single things that brought me to that past and i have no idea what i’m doing with my life nor why i even bother trying to keep walking but i sure as hell need to at least fucking try, if only because i can’t them let win it, if only by spite of wanting to finally cut it all out and them having to live with the fact they’ve destroyed everything they ever touched. 

So the spiral downs and freakout that keep me awake lately are super fun and i fucking love that i just had a breakdown in the kitchen because I just thought about how i was given my eldest sister’s room when she left home and all the things that then followed from me never feeling at home anywhere ever, and that just a single thought about a material thing from my past suddenly brings an avalanche of bad things to remind me of all that repressed memory i refuse to acknowledge.

Im having so much fun on this tuesday night, peace out i’m tired, i’ll blast some music again now.

[theo-loves-broadway]

If You Can’t Stand The Heat, Get Out Of The Kitchen (Tyrus Fanfic)

Hi!! So I was inspired by @scientifthicc‘s headcanons for Tyrus to write this fic! After writing the first chapter, I realized I loved where it was going, and decided to make it a chaptered fic! :D I only have the first one done, but if you could read and it leave me comments/kudos/reblogs/suggestions, I would be so grateful! I’ll post it on here, and the link for the AO3 version, as well!

LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15287934/chapters/35465793

Snowflakes littered the Goodman's front yard as Cyrus watched the little white flecks dance by the window. It was a lazy Thursday morning; the snow fell hard enough the night before that the administration decided to cancel school. Cyrus, of course, was ecstatic when he heard the news, and couldn't go back to bed, so he spent time looking out the window. His mom and stepdad had already left for work, leaving him alone for the day. His mom had left food in the fridge for him to warm up, but Cyrus wasn't in the mood for reheated matzo soup. He thought about texting Andi or Buffy, but remembered that they were away on a trip to Arizona to help Buffy move in, so that was a dud. He took out his phone, and mindlessly clicked on Jonah's number, the cursor blinking monotonously;

[Cy-Guy: hey jonah, wanna hang?]

Cyrus sent the message without hesitation, and drummed his fingers against the table waiting for a response.

“C’mon, Jonah, answer the text,” he mumbled impatiently, “we both know you’re not ‘out with Andi’ today,” he added, mildly defeated. Ever since the Open Mic and Jonah and Andi’s kiss, Cyrus had been a little, err, a lot jealous, even though he tried to smile through it. He’d avoided Jonah for a while, but decided that the best way to handle the situation would be to talk to Jonah, openly and honestly. Why Cyrus didn’t feel as though he was going to faint was beyond him. Suddenly his phone buzzed, and Cyrus opened his text messages with anticipation.

[JoLamaJama: can’t. out with family. won’t be back till tomm. sry cy]

Cyrus sighed, almost in relief, as he extended his legs out over the edge of the couch. “Great, now what?” he grumbled, his stomach doing the same. Oh, shoot, I didn’t eat breakfast, he thought to himself, the house’s deafening silence hurting his ears. He needed to be hanging out with someone, anyone , for that matter. He scrolled through the limited list of his contacts and hesitated on one.

“I know the chance is really low,” he admitted, already typing out a message, “but what have I got to lose?” he added, hitting send, and reading the message he just sent.

[Cy-Guy: hey tj, do you wanna come over? my parents are out and i’m making breakfast, so you can have some too, if you like. if you don’t i get it that you don’t wanna hang out with a loser like me but, whatever]

And after he sent it, he immediately regretted it. “Geez, could you be any more desperate, Cyrus?” he scolded himself, “You were just starting to have TJ not dislike you, and you just send a text out of the blue? This is so sad, Alexa play Despacito,” Cyrus sighed, and the Alexa on the coffee table responded, Cyrus bopping his head to the rhythm. Just as the song reached the chorus, Cyrus’ phone buzzed, and his heart felt like it stopped.

[Not-So-Scary-Basketball-Guy: yeah sure, im down for that. be there in like 10]

“Oh my gosh,” he uttered, almost paralyzed with shock. TJ actually wanted to hang out with him? How? Why? Before he got too lost in his train of thought, Cyrus hurried around the lower level of the house to organize everything a little. He adjusted the pillows on the couch, arranged the chairs in the dining room to be just so, and then advanced towards the kitchen to get ready for breakfast.

“What do sports people eat? Kale?” Cyrus wondered aloud, looking through his fridge as well as his pantry. “TJ’s just going to have to suffer next game because we’re making pancakes,” Cyrus decided, getting out the ingredients for his famous Chocolate-Chip Strawberry Pancakes. He made them every year for his birthday, as well as his parents’ birthdays, and they were always a hit. To speed up the work, Cyrus pre-diced all the strawberries into small pieces, and ate a few in the process. In the middle of his preparations, the doorbell rang, and Cyrus nearly dropped the bowl of strawberries on the floor he was so startled. Wiping his hands quickly on a towel, he rushed to the door as to not keep TJ waiting.

“Hey,” Cyrus said, awkwardness creeping into his voice as he tried to find something for his hands to do. “Come on in, Not So Scary Basketball Guy,” he joked, cracking a weak smile and stepping aside for TJ to enter.

“Oh, so now we’ve added ‘Not So Scary’?” TJ teased, taking off his shoes at the front door, “Thank goodness I’m not terrifying anymore,” he added, flashing a smirk of a grin as he shut the door behind him.

“Oh c’mon, you’re all bark and no bite,” Cyrus reminded him, crossing his arms in defense. His stomach growled and it sounded like there was a dying whale trapped in his gut. “And that means we should start making breakfast,” Cyrus mentioned, mildly embarrassed, as he led TJ into the kitchen. The countertop had all the ingredients for pancakes neatly organized into a small corner, and all the utensils were by them, ready for use.

“I’m really hoping you’re not going to make me eggs or something healthy like that,” TJ warned, taking a seat and propping his elbows up on the countertops.

“Whaaaat?” Cyrus drawled, happy he didn’t find kale in the fridge, “No way...Jose,” he added. Of course Cyrus would quote a musical, being the theatre nerd that he was. “Only pancakes, of course. The breakfast of champs!” Cyrus proclaimed, slamming his fist on the countertop, wincing in pain.

TJ laughed breathily, pushing his blond locks back. “Don’t hurt yourself before the food is made, Underdog. Afterwards, as long as I have my pancakes, you have my permission to roll down the stairs,” he joked, his eyes smiling along with his lips.

Cyrus merely rolled his eyes, putting his hands on his hips. “Okay, okay, I see how it’s gonna be,” Cyrus snickered, his eyes narrowing and his lips pulling into a devious smile, “you want me to slave away and make you pancakes?” he sneered jokingly, nearly dissolving into laughter.

TJ shrugged, looking down at the bowl of strawberries. “Basically,” he replied, popping a few pieces in his mouth, smiling while he chewed.

“Alright, well let’s make this a little more interesting, shall we?” Cyrus suggested, waltzing around the kitchen mischievously. “How about a challenge, oh competitive one,” Cyrus quipped, glancing at TJ, “you and I are gonna have a pancake battle. And if, or should I said when I win, you have to buy me baby taters for a week,” Cyrus said. “You in?”

TJ looked up at Cyrus and smiled, the shorter boy starting to wonder if this was such a good idea anymore. “You know what? Yeah, bring it on,” TJ accepted, cracking his knuckles, “And when I win, you need to come to my basketball games for a week, with those megaphones,” TJ dared, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms and legs. Nevermind the fact that TJ had never in his life cooked anything other than eggs (which he burned, by the way); he wanted to win.

“Deal,” Cyrus confirmed extending his hand for TJ. They shook hands and only then and there did Cyrus realize how soft TJ’s hands were. He didn’t expect from someone who probably lifts weights and handles a basketball all day.

“Alright, Underdog,” TJ started, carefully tugging his sleeves up to his elbows, “let’s do this thing,” he added with his signature smirk, the one that looked like he’d punch the living daylights out of you.

“On your mark, get set, bake!” Cyrus cheered, rushing for the ingredients. He’d made the recipe a thousand times (well, more like 15) so he knew exactly what he was doing, expertly measuring the dry ingredients, and combining them with the wet, tossing in strawberries.

TJ, on the other hand, had literally no idea what he was doing, so he tried to copy what Cyrus was doing. When Cyrus added some white powder (baking soda, he later learned), TJ would try to do the same. What he couldn’t properly see, he would eyeball the amount; unfortunately, this lead to him adding ¼ cup of baking soda. TJ lunged for the flour, accidentally knocking it down in the process, and a cloud of flour formed, looking like it was snowing indoors, as well as outdoors. After the cloud had settled and the boys had finished their coughing fits, they looked at each other and laughed, doubling over.

“You look like Frosty the Snowman!” TJ snorted, ruffling the flour out of his own hair. “Here, let me,” he started, brushing through Cyrus’ hair, Cyrus shutting his eyes to block out the flour, as well as to not embarrass himself in front of TJ. He kept his eyes closed for a few more moments, before opening them, the light a little brighter than he remembered.

“It appears you may not be as talented as you thought, Kippen,” Cyrus chuckled, setting his bowl of pancake batter by the griddle, already smoking from the heat. Muttering something under his breath, TJ grabbed his bowl of what one could consider pancake batter, and set it on the other side of the griddle. TJ’s batter looked much lumpier than Cyrus’s, and it didn’t have as many strawberries or chocolate chips, since TJ ate most of them before he started. Cyrus poured a few ladles of the batter onto the griddle, the sound of them hitting the metal filling the air. TJ attempted to replicate what the shorter boy did, but the pancakes ended up being misshapen, and he burned almost all of them. The boys stacked their pancakes on plates, and set them on the table, both of them looking at them for a while.

“Well,” Cyrus said, feeling mildly bad for TJ, “I, uh, do you wanna try mine?” he asked, pushing the plate towards him. TJ pushed his plate of pancakes towards Cyrus, the look on his face one of fear.

TJ took a bite of Cyrus’ pancake, and you could practically see the serendipity rush into his body. “Good lord, Underdog,” TJ started, finishing the rest of the pancake in one swift bite, “open a breakfast business,” he complimented, grabbing a second pancake. “Now you have to try mine,” he urged, munching on Cyrus’ pancakes.

Tentatively, Cyrus grabbed one of TJ’s pancakes; it was soft to the touch, but one side was almost completely burnt, and it felt quite dense. He took a careful bite and immediately regretted it. Waaaay too much baking soda, he thought to himself, trying to smile. “Mm, it’s uh,” he mustered, faking a smile, “an interesting flavor...and texture,” he added, forcing himself to swallow, shuddering.

“I know that it’s garbage, don’t even try,” TJ corrected, Cyrus immediately dropping the act.

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” Cyrus admitted, quickly pushing TJ’s pancakes aside and stuffing one of his own into his mouth, visibly relaxing.

“Guess you won,” TJ muttered, defeated, “just let me know when you want baby taters,” he added, getting up to leave.

“Wait!” Cyrus exclaimed a little too excitedly, grabbing onto TJ’s sleeve to try and pull him back, his face heating up. “I-uh, you know, I could showyou how to make pancakes, you know, better ones?” he suggested, letting go of TJ’s shirt and fiddling with his own.

TJ knitted his brows together in confusion. “You seriously want to teach me , TJ Kippen, kitchen disaster, how to make pancakes? ” he questioned, crossing his arms.

Cyrus felt himself shrink into his own body. “Uhm, yes?” he squeaked meekly, clearing his throat to sound more confident. “Uh, I mean, s-sure, if you’d like to. Anyone can cook. Says so right in the movie Ratatouille,” he mentioned, testing the waters with a weak smile.

TJ thought it over for a few moments, before grinning. “You know what? Sure, let’s make some more pancakes. Anything is better than those ones,” TJ muttered, pointing to the stack of monstrosities that were TJ’s batch of pancakes.

The duo got to work, Cyrus reading off the proper measurements to TJ, and TJ following the directions exactly. This time, thankfully, none of the flour spilled on the ground. By the end, TJ had a luxurious batter ready to be made into pancakes. He spooned the batter onto the griddle, and waited until they were ready.

“Okay, I think they’re ready to be flipped,” Cyrus informed him, handing him the flipper for the pancakes. TJ tried to flip the first one, but it ended up folding in on itself and turning into a pile of batter.

“Told you I couldn’t do it,” TJ sneered, putting the flipper down in frustration. Cyrus walked up to him slowly and took it into his hand.

“Here, let me help you,” Cyrus suggested placing TJ’s hand near his own and walking over to the griddle. Gently, he helped TJ slip the flipper under the pancake, and successfully flip it on the other side.

“See!” Cyrus chirped, not letting go of the flipper, “I told you I could teach you,” he added with a knowing smile. Glancing down at the flipper, he tore his hand away, feeling tingly on the inside.

“Uh-huh, whatever you say, Underdog,” TJ scoffed, placing the flipper down, and breaking the pancake that they had just made in half, handing one half to Cyrus.

“Mm, see? So much better!” Cyrus exclaimed, swallowing the rest of the pancake. “You may not be half bad at this, Kippen,” he chuckled, taking a seat on one of the kitchen stools.

“Mm-hmm,” TJ murmured with a tiny smile, sitting by Cyrus in one of the other stools. The boys ate their pancakes in relative silence, save for the hum of the heater. When they were all gone, the boys leaned back in their seats, letting out simultaneous sighs of satisfaction.

“I, uh,” TJ started, hopping out of his seat, “I wouldn’t want to overstay my visit,” he added, almost inaudibly, but Cyrus caught it. Was TJ actually capable of saying something, dare he call it, polite? Cyrus scrambled to get out of his chair, taking a step towards TJ.

“You’re not overstaying your visit, dude,” Cyrus reminded him, looking up at the taller boy, “ I asked you to come over, remember? I mean, you can leave whenever you want, but I’m not gonna kick you out. Besides my parents won’t be home till late, so you’re welcome to stay as long as you want,” he offered kindly.

“Oh,” TJ said lamely, putting his hands in his pockets and rocking back on his heels. “Thanks,” he added after a slight pause, unsure of what to say.

“So, what do you wanna do? We can watch TV, or, I mean, if you’re still hungry we can eat something else. We have leftover matzo soup, but I wouldn’t recommend that,” he suggested.

“TV sounds nice,” TJ agreed, and went to take a seat on the couch, slumping down in his seat and putting one leg over the other. Cyrus made a comment on how that was bad for his back, but TJ just shrugged it off and flicked through the channels, finally settling on watching Family Feud.

“Legs! Just say legs, my gosh,” TJ said exasperated. The question asked about what body parts men might describe as “long” on a woman, and the second person had just said forehead.

“You’re really into this, huh,” Cyrus observed, glancing over at TJ. His face was slightly red from yelling at the TV, his knuckles losing color as he gripped the edge of the couch.

“It’s not my fault I can’t handle their stupidity,” TJ half-joked, before his smile faded, “Can’t even handle my own stupidity,” he added, biting down hard on his lower lip, ignoring the TV for the first time.

Cyrus frowned, feeling his heart audibly break for TJ. They both knew that TJ has dyscalculia, but that didn’t mean that he was any less of a person, or rather, a student.

“TJ,” Cyrus said softly, shifting slightly towards him, “you’re not stupid. So you need some help with math, so what?” he added, TJ’s gaze not leaving the ground. “You’re not stupid, and you never were, TJ,” Cyrus continued, tapping his fingers on the edge of the couch. What had started out as an innocent hangout had turned into a more serious conversation about TJ’s “stuff”. Cyrus hadn’t noticed through all his therapeutic messages, but hot, angry tears were streaming down TJ’s face.

“Stop,” TJ croaked, and Cyrus immediately turned his attention to TJ, seeing how upset he was. “Let’s face it, Underdog,” TJ muttered, his voice breaking when he spoke, “I’m pathetic. I mean, look at me,” he added with a squeak, peering at Cyrus. His face was pale, his cheeks wet with tears, and his eyes were red and puffy. He looked so...defeated.

“You’re not pathetic, TJ,” Cyrus assured him, pondering as to whether or not he should give him a pat on the shoulder, “emotions are normal to have and to show. I am literally a walking sack of emotions,” he joked, earning a small chuckle from TJ. “But seriously, don’t beat yourself up like that, man,” Cyrus warned him, giving a gentle pat on his shoulder to cheer him up.

TJ shrugged, pulling his sleeves down and wiping his tears, trying to make himself look more presentable. “Thanks Underdo--Cyrus,” he edited, smiling weakly, “for not, you know, freaking out and not thinking that I’m stupid,” he added, the episode of Family Feud coming to an end as the clapping faded. Cyrus just nodded, happy that his friend was feeling a little better.

“I actually should get going, this time,” TJ told Cyrus, standing up, “I have basketball practice soon,” he said, advancing towards the door. Cyrus followed him to say his goodbyes.

“So, uh, I’ll see you later?” he asked, unsure if TJ would want to hang out with him again, judging by today’s events.

“Of course, dude. Remember, I owe you baby taters for a week,” TJ reminded him, slipping on his boots. He opened the door and was greeted by a flurry of snowflakes, littering his hair.

“Oh, wait one sec,” Cyrus sputtered, rushing towards the closet and pulling out a black beanie. “Take it...it’s cold outside, and it’s snowing,” he observed, handing the beanie to TJ, who took it and adjusted it on his head.

“Thanks,” he mustered, his smile evident in his crinkling eyes. “I’m, uh, I’m free later today, say around 6?” he suggested, already on the other side of the threshold.

“Yeah, sure! That works,” he chirped, bubbling up inside at the fact that TJ actually wanted to hang out with him again.

“Cool. Thanks for having me. I’ll see you later,” he concluded, giving Cyrus a small waves before heading out the door and braving the cold and the snow. Cyrus watched as the little white speckles dotted the black beanie that TJ sported. Once he was out of sight, he shut and locked the door, and took a deep breath. Today is going to be one hell of a day, he thought to himself, sitting on the couch and watching the next episode of Family Feud.

[hangingbelle]

I've been with CAMHS for so long now and it's so difficult to just get over everything I feel like I can never fully express how I feel.

What does wicked tainted mess inside me and it's just waiting to claw its way out, and no matter what I do is try and stop it it never stops.

Since a young age I have always felt tainted, living with a family that's so disgusting I felt like no one cares about me that came very apparent in 2018.

You're probably wondering what happened in 2018 and it's pretty much the beginning of the realisation that no one cares, and what I mean by that is that Society is cruel and doesn't give a damn.

2018 about September time I started college and in the UK that is high school I guess...

Everything was going ok it wasn't perfect but it wasn't terrible, I just started and I was doing all my classes all my work you know nothing was Left Undone.

And the second day of college I met a guy, who I Wish I Never Met ;and I rarely say that about anyone...

In the beginning I thought he was great, he was an amazing person, he made me feel confident about myself and that there was nothing wrong with me.

But now that I look back on it, that's what he wanted me to feel to reel me in like prey.

But at the time I didn't know that because you know, I was only 16, I didn't know any better at least... that's what everyone said in the end.

Didn't take long before me and him started to kind of grow what I thought was a connection apparently it was just one way of him getting to me, and of course at the time I didn't know this because I was blind as anything.

We would sit together in a graphics class and then I got kicked out of my art class because my college messed up my lessons so I ended up having to take a different one and honestly it was a bit of a blow to me because personally I'm a self-made artist.

In these lessons he would laugh and joke with me, he would flirt with me, he would make me feel confident about myself which I never really felt because I came from an abusive home.

I never really spoke to anyone about my home life because I was ashamed of what I was living like and overall the consequences of speaking about it was so high that I just never ever said anything.

Prior to going to college social services was involved in my life quite frequently from the age of about 10 or 11 years old, and the reason they were involved was obviously because the home life was so toxic for a minor of my age of the time to live in.

But social service never really helped me, they actually made my situation worse and what I mean by that is they actually made my home life which was already a living hell, turn into a completely different alternative reality of said hell.

And obviously going to college was an escape from home life for about 6 to 7 maybe 8 hours a day depending on the lessons I did on any of the days that I was in.

And one thing I really really should have looked out for with the fact that this guy wasn't actually trying to make me feel good about myself he was praying upon me so he could use me for the next couple of months of our relationship.

And unfortunately yes I did end up dating him and I'm not proud that I did, it was actually one of the worst decisions I ever made in my life prior to the events that I am living in now.

When I was dating this guy was about maybe less than a month into a relationship I ended up leaving home at the age of 16 which honestly was the scariest experience I have ever been through in my life but probably not one of the worst...

Obviously leaving home at 16 was not a very good move on me as a person in general mainly because I had nowhere to live and no family would take me because my mum side of the family was and is so dysfunctional.

So you could probably guess who I ended up going to, and that was my boyfriend at the time who obviously I didn't know was toxic.

And because me leaving home sparked up so much trouble in my family I did end up returning for about 3 days, and during that time my mum kept saying to me that she "didn't want me back home" that I'm "a terrible child" that I'm "a shitty kid" you know just generally you know making me feel bad about myself.

Which unfortunately led me to leave home permanently...

Now currently I've lived away from for over a year and it has been a very very difficult time for me just in general because it made me realise that the people who are meant to care about you don't really care about you, they're all out for themselves.

Now going back to this relationship and me moving in with this guy you know I was only 16 he was also 16 so I moved in with his dad at the time.

Honestly biggest mistake of my life because I realised his dad was a raging alcoholic who wouldn't buy food, and my boyfriend at the time used to actually go hungry quite a lot, so you can probably figure out but I also had to starve.

This led to me actually having to crawl back to my parents to ask for money every week to buy food, which didn't go very well, because yes even though they would send me food which was actually mainly on my stepdad, who was more of a dad to me than my biological father was and November of 2018 I actually came in contact with my real dad...

When I contacted my real dad I expected him to actually... you know step up as a father and do what was right to help me in the situation I was in, even though we didn't really know each other it was expected of obviously a biological parent.

It seems that my hopes were too unrealistic, because even now it's February of 2020 he has done nothing to be a father to me...

An alongside of him my biological mother, who I lived with for my whole life, has been the exact same.

Now going back to living with this toxic partner at the time i obviously I didn't know he was toxic, he actually ended up cheating on me in January 2019 with the girl he told me not to worry about...

And can I just put aside no in this girl is a minor, and I honestly don't know why I didn't report it to the police but then again I was dumb and young didn't know what to do with myself.

So stupidly I forgave him like an absolute idiot. Thinking if I forgive him it might make him realise the pain he caused to me? no it didn't... actually made things worse.

So obviously after he cheated on me... not long after his drunk dad actually ended up losing the house so once again I had to go homeless.

So here's me struggling to try and get into a hostel or find somewhere to live because generally I couldn't go back home I I wasn't allowed to, there was nowhere for me to go no family would take me, no one would..

Until my boyfriend forced me to live with his mum, which honestly was even more of a toxic environment to live in than I was when I was living at home with my parents.

So I lived with his mum for a total of about 8 months so we were together for almost a year before he actually cheated on me again.

At the time i was thinking that the trust of the relationship was built back, and we were going okay, I guess, but I was dealing with a lot of my mental health issues at the time understandably since I was going through a lot of shit.

But everytime I was struggling with my mental health, because I was actually partly being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He would make me feel worse about myself he would blame everything on me, that I was a shity girlfriend but but then he would turn the situation on him and would be like: 'why do you make me out to be such a horrible person" and he would generally really lash out on me about it in an extremely abusive manner.. Every single time...

So when I found out that he cheated on me I actually found out about 3 days later so at the time when I was living away from home I had to work in order to pay rent to go towards his mum and I wasn't complaining about it's general knowledge that if you're going to live with someone who isn't exactly family it's kind to pay towards living expenses.

Because you know I'm owning a house you're paying for a mortgage or if you're renting paying for these bills and I don't think you wants someone to kind of freeload off you so I did what any normal human being would and would pay rent, now the boyfriend he wouldn't he didn't work he didn't go to college and bearing in mind I didn't tell you this but I actually ended up dropping out of college because of him because he got me pregnant.

Being 16 at the time my body actually physically couldn't handle having a child, and I ended up losing it which caused about backlash from his family and a lot of abuse around Christmas time... I hated Christmas with his family...

So going back to when he cheat on the second time it was the first day of my new job working at a bank.

I wasn't doing a particularly long shift it was only 10 till 4, and you know it wasn't far from the house that I was living at with his parent. And he messages me whilst I'm at work on my phone and he just says to me: "oh I'm in love with my ex" like what the fuck?!?!

So first day of my new job, I know no one and he goes and says that...

It was heartbreaking to know, because this the ex of his (he is 17) is a minor(15) who had alot of issues so she was very toxic herself hence why their relationship didn't last.

I didn't understand why I had feelings for his ex, because our whole relationship he used to say a lot of bad things about her, how he hated her and how he is happy without her in his life, but during the relationship he would go out of his way to text her and every time I mentioned it he would break out in a big abusive argument telling me that I'm toxic and controlling, when in reality he was...

So I got home from work and I went into the garden I actually spoke to his stepmom at the time about the situation and his mom joined in to try and decide for a why he felt the way he did about his ex and about mine and his relationship.

The whole time I try to explain to him that I loved him and that I wanted to understand why he felt the way he did, he just sat there and looked at the floor and was on his phone texting his ex whilst I sat there crying and visibly didn't know what to do with myself because he just didn't give a damn.

So i to try and fix my relationship like a stupid person I was, I said to him I didn't want him to speak to his ex until his feelings were gone which sounds reasonable.

But to him he just couldn't conform to those rules that I put in place to try and help our relationship.

So even though he agree to them at first he went against them about 6 or 7 times during the space of 3 days.

Me catching them out every time, I just got to the point where I read the messages on actually Snapchat where he would be like :"oh my girlfriend's in a room can't talk" or "my girlfriend is going to be home soon can't talk" he was actively doing it behind my back when I wasn't there.

So on the 3rd day I read the Snapchat messages, because he just kept hiding his phone for me, and I was tired of him just refusing for me to see what was happening.

And these messages to the 15-year old girl he would say:

I love you I want to be with you"

"when can we meet up? "

"oh s*** my girlfriend's coming be right back"

you know just genuinely trying to hide the fact that he is ruining our relationship and trying to pursue a minor.

When I read these messages I took his phone from him and I looked him dead in the eye and I said "do you think I'm an idiot?"

He avoided my eye contact and said no I don't think you're an idiot"

Which and reality let's be real he didn't think I was gullible and stupid.

But I called him out on his games and for once I stood up for myself against him.

In that moment I felt so ridiculed and torn apart mentally, emotionally and physically I couldn't give a damn what I said to him.

And if my words hurt him? then so be it it's not my problem anymore.

Because that night I finally worked up the courage to leave him.

I had no place to live, no family to go to, no money absolutely nothing to my name.

So my stepdad had reached his hand out to me, and ended up placing me to the other side of the City, away from my abusive ex boyfriend at the time and just pretty much everyone.

[mystictruth123456-blog]

A magical adventure in the woods

Today I felt bored. A bit in a rut. I had been grieving about my mum for many days and things felt a bit pointless. It seemed like nothing was exciting me that much and I Didn't have much of a plan for the day. I had read A few pages from Ram Das's book the mirror of the soul, about how to accept everyone and everything in our life as part of our life curriculum, that our desires create our world.  I was thinking about staying at home for the day but realised after pulling the reversed butterfly card from my animal medicine card deck that belonged to my mum, that it was time to embrace change.  So I walked out of my apartment after breakfast onto the street, I prayed beforehand for an adventure.  the sky was a clear blue and the sun was out which is rare in England. Since it gets dark around 4pm nowadays out here I thought that it was important that I moved quickly, if I wanted to experience any good weather in the woods. I realised how strange it was walking around Harrogate because I spend most of my time in Leeds and when I am in Harrogate I usually just am in my studio. I went into this bookstore called "Waterstones " and looked at the joke section of the store. I looked at everyone and remarked in my head for the thousandth time how strange English culture was in how reserved and private people are. Nobody looking at each other, nobody acknowledging each other. it's just weird and a bit awkward.  I marched my way all the way to the valley gardens, a collection of beautiful flowers, trees in a park, of all different sorts, with a little stream, mini ponds and ducks.  I got near the trails in the woods and told myself "This is all a dream."  I called the spirit of the dragonfly to teach me. A spirit that breaks illusions and reveals the magic of reality. As I entered the trail in the woods I begin to see the magic of it all, the trees, plants, the grass. Everything was very much alive. In my thoughts was still this voice of boredom and apathy. I kept wandering through the Woods off the trails until I reached a spot by a tree where I sat down. I thought to myself "if you have a day where you don't know what to do and feel you are in a rut, you could either stay in the apartment all day or wander around the Woods." I just decided to sit with and surrender to my feelings of boredom. A part of me felt it was unfair that I should deal with this sense of pointlessness after all that Had happened with my mum. There didn't seem like there was any positive reason for this. I just sat and sat, having a sense of perspective about things and suddenly I noticed my mind drift from my boredom and apathy to random thoughts about people, funny experiences and things I liked. I begin telling jokes to myself and quoting a Will Ferrel blooper from one of his movies where he goes "check out my my plums, all swollen, blue hued and juicy." I kept saying this to myself hoping to cheer myself up, remembering that I have a sense of humour that I forget this at times. As I was sitting there dogs started to come past. Usually I have a fear of dogs because I was bit  by a dog  as a child, yet this time I just radiated love toward the dogs and the owner. My practice now is to look into someone's eye and see that awareness that We share, that is not their body, not their mind or their feelings. I did that with the dogs and noticed a lack of fear. Our minds are constantly projecting our interpretation of reality onto things, and quite often are pretty inaccurate. That was another mantra for the day, that my mind often plays tricks on me. The miracle that really got me out of my mind rut was the the dogs that showed up out of nowhere. First it was this dark, mop looking dog just staring at me, sniffing the ground then staring at me again, then came the procession of wiener dogs. One, two, three, four of them, one of them black and brown like a Rottweiler and the others ones more whitish with traces of other colours. It was a very random pack of wiener dogs. I said to myself "The wiener dog coalition" and begin cracking up as the owner and the pack left the scene. I went on a excited wandering through the woods at this point, spotting different varieties of wild mushroom, calling in thousands of coyote spirits, hummingbird, and porcupine spirits to lighten up the mood. I noticed for a while now that People had just known me for being that silly guy, because I had tried to have deeper conversations and it wasn't received well. Now I felt I could integrate the deeper part of me and the comic in me together. My humour has always been one of my great strengths and brought me back to life after a challenging time.  My memory kept getting flooded with hilarious adventures I have had with friends. Such as my often shy Spanish friend who went back to Spain a few weeks prior, being drunk one night and like a hunter, spotting a girl and then making out with her. it's easy when you are grieving to forget these happy times in life, and when your having them it's easy to forget what those tough times feel like as well. My journey led me to a open field, the clouds amidst the blue sky alive and powerful. From there I reached a more open wooded space, with trees dotted around and the sun shining through the trees. I thought of how my mum told me that whenever she was abroad and looked at the moon she knew at some point her family or friends far away were looking at the same moon. I looked at the sun and thought of my stepdad looking at the sun and Imagined what it would be like in his shoes, living his life which I'd never fully know in this life. I came upon another field, on the other side of a stone wall, the sun shining brilliantly on the grass and through the foliage. There was sheep in the field. I could have imagined my mum saying "look at the sheep, look at the sun, look at the trees" with that childlike curiosity she had. The wiener dogs came past again, I scuttled around them and the lady who owned them said "don't worry they won't hurt you." I Felt a sting of pride to my manhood. I was only one percent afraid of the wiener dogs and she called me out on that one percent. I also received an invite a party in Burley Park, Leeds from a friend. I reached the bottom of the wooded path and began my ascent back up. This time reflecting on the people that had past through my life in Leeds. The invite to Burley Park reminded me of these things. I had also made deep connections with my flatmates when I lived in Burley Park for a month in the summer. It seemed like a dream. It always mystified me, how you could be close to people, have this story together and next second it could be all over like it never happened. I reminded myself that those people and experiences were still in my heart and though there may not be as much action in my life this week, It didn't mean I had lost my spark of adventure. It was still there. Overall upon leaving the woods, I was very excited that I had taken this little journey into the nature. It had proven to be very fruitful. When you are in a rut do something different. Life is fully of adventure when you come at it at the right angle. Check out part two of day. The Italian restaurant  Part 2 After leaving the woods I arrived in busy Harrogate on a Friday, the Indian restaurant that I wanted to go to was closed so I decided to go to an Italian restaurant. I felt a bit introverted yet I wanted to order my food in Italian from the Server. Mustering up the courage, because I was very new to Italian, I ordered my food. The server came back and I asked him "di dove sei di Italia?" (Where you from in Italy?) he looked at me and said, "I am not from Italy, I am French. " So I quickly slipped into French. An older English couple begin chatting to me because they overheard me saying that I was American to the waiter. I was more surprised that someone had started a conversation with me in England because that rarely seemed to happen but I appreciated it. Usually I am the one starting the conversation.  Upon leaving I said "au revoir " to the waiter who shook my hand and "arrivadeci" to the owner. I realized that I had a bit of a prejudice towards many French people, often when hearing that they were French, not wanting to speak with them. This came from experiences early this year where I had made one French friend and had a French flatmate who I had grown fond of over time. My French friend introduced me to the other French that he knew in Leeds and they acted very friendly towards me at first but when they were together they kinda ignored me quite often. My French French said that the French were often like this. I had many more encounters like this where the French seemed very closed if not downright rude to new to people they didn't know that well. With the waiter I realized I just needed to let go of that. That we wear all different types of mask in life and all these external things we identify with are not our true authentic selves. That these people I have met whether I liked them or not, also have their challenges, fears, desires, positive qualities and negative qualities. To let go of those judgments, that protective armour that keeps us separate and freezes our hearts. To give everybody the benefit of the doubt, take everyone as an individual, that is the goal. I went back to my house and after some blogging I had a chat with my Stepdad. We debated some of these concepts I have mentioned here. Overall it was a very fruitful day and I had many eye opening experiences. Accept people as they are is one great lesson I learned

[oversharingqueen-blog]

Well Hello There

10/15/17

My name is Kassie. Wow! what a bland entrance to what will eventually be the most inner depths of my mind online! I’m not really sure why, but as of late I’ve desired some sort of creative outlet, and figuring out exactly what I want/need has been driving me up a wall!

I do however realize that my narcissistic tendencies drive me to overshare online for attention, but also because I want to know if I’m the only person experiencing life in this weird fever-dream style. Things simultaneously feel like a joke and like the only possible reality... all the time.  

I’m an 18 year old female. I like to think I’ve lived an interesting life, but once again that’s probably due to my narcissism. 

As of right now I’m a strawberry blonde, 5′10, bored, bisexual, i have blue/green eyes. There are other words I could use to describe myself but I think after word-vomiting on my next post things will become more clear. 

Visually this is what I look like: 

Mentally this is what I feel like:

I make a lot of jokes but only 1/8 of them turn out well so keep that in mind.

I eventually want to become a translator. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. I like to think that is what I want (because having an idea of what you want in life makes it easier to pretend like you are ok), but doubt is a powerful feeling ! 

Right now I live in Kansas. I used to live in California, but frankly... it was terrible. I was living in northern California with my mom and my stepdad and my 6 year old brother. The first year I was there I suffered a terrible bout of depression because of the pressure of making new friends / school. The second year was much better, but then of course life has a funny way of fucking you over. I always had a tense relationship with my stepdad, and it led to a very argumentative state in the house. My stepdad and my mom both drank frequently, and I never thought anything of it until my mom ended up with a black eye & I sent my stepdad to jail for the night. Needless to say, (or maybe not needless who knows) I couldn’t live in that household anymore. So I moved back in with my father, in Kansas.

I’m kind of embarrassed honestly. I was so confident in my decision to leave, and to pursue an education and future in California. However, my depression was manifesting in terrible ways due to my home life. So I made the decision to take the easier route. Maybe not financially easier (I had it pretty damn good in Cali when it comes to that), but far less emotionally tolling. 

I work a full-time job in order to save for my college education. I want to go to Kai Japanese Language Institute in Tokyo, Japan. I have to have a lot of money to do that though lol, so that sucks. Therefore, i work a lot.  

I don’t know if it was the best decision in the world for me to take a gap year, but here i am doing just that. I’ve been smoking a bit too much weed lately, and I’ve been in a bit of a slump. This happened to me over the summer too, and it was terrifying because I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything other than go through the motions of existing. It’s an apathetic style of existence and it’s painful when I look back on it. I don’t wish to continue like that, so here I am. 

I’m not sure if my next post will be a more in-depth assessment of where I am at in life, or if it will just jump straight into the mediocre life i’m currently living, but please join me for the ride.

I hope you people are as nosy as I am! Because I love answering questions & I love being a source of entertainment for others. PS: plz send me questions to make this a more fun beginning !

[what-soul]

My life story

I was born November 10, 1995 at 2:03 AM in Baltimore, Maryland. From what I can remember from my dad's "birthday story", nothing too significant happened. My parents were in their early 20s and I'm fairly sure they weren't prepared for the financial responsibility, because I've been told they sold my mom's CD collection and we ate PB&J and other filler staple foods. I'm pretty sure that's why I can't stand the idea of a PB&J sandwich - I had too many as a kid. We lived in Ducketts Lane in Elkridge, soon joined by some of my cousins who I grew up with. I remember a nasty, broken toilet in a basement with wood paneling and willow trees off in the corner. There was only 3-story townhouses there.

Ginny was born, and my dad realized that if he wanted to be in the military, he had to join before he had more than 2 kids. So he was at training camp when Katie was born, doing crazy stuff like swimming with 50 lb backpacks and running through chemical fumes without a mask. We moved around during this time, I think to Tennessee and Kentucky? I have no memories beyond a pre-K daycare (where I made a scarecrow with brads for joints) and the neighbors having those electric kid-sized cars.

In Kindergarten I went to Rockburn Elementary at 4, due to Maryland's strange age cutoff at the time. All I remember was that our class was near the entrance, the room was big and empty in the middle, and a caterpillar once pooped on my hand while I was admiring it on the playground. I don't remember anyone from the class. First grade is a blank, but second grade...

The second grade area was a bunch of dynamic classrooms with vibrantly colored sliding walls and a larger central area where we could buy lunch. They offered either a special that day or pizza, but I usually brought a packed lunch. I remember playing mandala with a tomboy of a black girl who scraped her knee once and showed us how it was getting puss. That's where I met Nicholas Eagles, who was my best friend for the year. I'd go over to his house every week or two where we played the pokemon card game and some Nintendo games. He had a pogo stick, but I couldn't figure out how to use it. At one point, we climbed up the big evergreens in his front yard and I fell, getting caught by branches a couple feet below. He once admitted that he thought I was gross when he first met me, though I don't know why.

Then we moved to Pennsylvania for my third year in school. I don't remember our house but I remember the area. It was next to a small pond with cattails and the backyard led to a huge patch of undeveloped land. We found some kids playing there far away, and I became friends with the older brother who enjoyed hacking together weird electronics. There I got into Yugioh. Ginny's hermit crab died and we had a fancy funeral for it, complete with a coffin made of mud bricks molded from legos. Our parents bought a wooden playground, I think?

I don't remember much from school, just some event snippets. Bits of hallways filled with seasonal candles in bags, monthly school events like a Jim Henson style play about how drugs are bad, an uninviting cafeteria... I know I was called "booger boy" for picking my nose, but I've lost the emotional context. According to my parents, I had problems with my teachers because the Pennsylvania 3rd grade curriculum was the same as the Maryland 2nd grade curriculum, and I liked to be the teacher's pet. I'd raise my hand for every question because I always knew the answer and wanted to say it, which annoyed the teachers because they wanted the other kids to have a chance. School was apparently bad enough that we moved at the end of the year to West Virginia.

I had started the gifted program in 2nd grade, but I remember absolutely nothing from then. For 3rd grade, I remember I was called out of class some days of the week to go to a room for a gifted class, but don't remember anything. For 4th grade, all I remember was the room we went to and that I had a very hard time with math and remembering the names of shapes.

It was Shepherdstown Elementary School, and we mostly did stuff in the 4th-5th grade hallway, which I remember very well. The walls were lined with lockers and there were... 6? classes total. In 4th grade I only remember an older teacher I had for English, in which we read Roald Dahl books. I think she was a hardass but I have no especially bad memories of her.

In 5th grade I had M(r)s. Lawrence at least, and Mr. Ebersol for gifted. I remember my friends better for this time than in 4th, even though they're probably the same. They were all in gifted for some reason. There was Levi Spickler, who was more of a rival than a friend. Sam Yates, a girl with bushy brown hair who hated chocolate and loved zucchini bread. Arlo, he was best friends with Levi and a very funny and sociable kid. His hair was perpetually messy, like a big brown afro almost. The only thing I distinctly remember from him was a joke he started saying "je veux une omelette du fromage", which is French for "I want a cheese omelette". No idea why that was funny, if it was. Then there was Merideth, an athletic girl who was a bit of an early bloomer.

Most of my memories were from the gifted class. We once acted out commercials, including one, "Don't be sad, get GLAD for all your kitchen garbage needs!" We would enact plays such as A Midsummer Night's Dream. Or even write our own plays; one Levi wrote included a joke that flew completely over my head about a girl being "rapped on the head", to which everyone started knocking on the table with their knuckles.

In Ms. Lawrence's class we once made our own peanut butter chocolate candies for Halloween... That's all I got.

From 6th to 8th I was in Sheperdstown Middle School, less than a mile away from the Elementary School. I remember the layout of the building fairly well, but there are some fuzzy areas. It was mostly one long hallway going left and right from the entrance with some hallways jutting out from the forward direction. I remember Ms. Carter, a science teacher who adored me. She was a very large red-head who liked to wear excessive make-up and had a Ms. Frizzle vibe to her teaching methods. By this point I loved science, so I relished in raising my hand for every question. She eventually made a running joke out of it, saying she needed to call "1-800 dial a Robert!"

Next to Ms. Carter's room was a ramp down into a secluded area with a few classrooms, one of which was my... history class, and somewhere in that area was my sign language class. Or was it English? Gifted class was in a hallway directly in front of the entrance with Mrs. Wagner across the hall from the touch typing classroom. I mostly remember learning English, particularly the roots of words.

Then there was Mr... Marcin? An older science teacher who had a very dry, even cynical sense of humor but seemed to genuinely care about his job. And Mrs... Tracey? The 8th grade science teacher. I remember the cafeteria very well, as well as the gym - it was burned into my brain by the Pacers, an exercise we did twice a week where we'd run from one side of the gym to the other with increasing frequency.

In the 7th grade, my parents divorced. From what I can gather, my mom had caught my dad cheating multiple times, and then my dad caught her cheating with my stepdad. Of course, these were symptoms and the official explanation. Underlying that were personality incompatibilities, my mom's stress from generalized anxiety disorder without medication and raising 4 kids vs my dad's stress working a billion minimunm wage jobs just to support us. Abandonment issues, personal insecurities, projection, the works.

I know that when they announced it, they sat us all on the couch and told us about it very seriously. I barely remember it, but the memory paints it as feeling like a dream. From there, my mom moved into the basement while she found work (she was laid off) and housing while my dad bought a dog (Zoey) to fill the void. Eventually my mom moved to a rinky-dink apartment and later to a nice townhouse, and we went to each parent's house in shifts over the week.

9th grade... Was at Shepherdstown Highschool. I remember the cafeteria, a taller guy I was friends with, the entrance being near the library. That's all.

At this point my dad was laid off from his job as a professor at some university. In searching for another professor position, he had the option of going to New Mexico or Wyoming; he chose the former. After a few months of convincing, I decided to move out with him over the Summer for the opportunity of going to a good school and good college.

The time I spent from 10-12th grade blurs together. I remember quite a few teachers and classmates, but not when and where I knew them. The teachers I remember are my Spanish teacher (native speaker), Ms. McCoy (art teacher), Mr. B? (Chemistry teacher, very eccentric), Mr. Smith (science and CS teacher), Mr. DeWitt (AP Biology, he had extreme standards), and the dreaded Mr. Evans. Hello, yes? He tried to fail me out of high school by demanding that I not be allowed to take a replacement English class to substitute the grade I got in his.

The people I knew, I knew only some names and the rest were archetypes. Al of course, Ryan Sun (an asian guy who took it upon himself to become my rival, which unintentionally became a kind of bullying as I was too depressed to cope). For some reason I remember Kim Wong, another asian girl who was always near the top of the class. And Stephanie, I think her last name was something like Dijkstra, who I think was even better at programming than I was. Beyond them, the archetypes I remember were * a crazy-fun drug supplier who had some issues with her parents * a larger hispanic guy who had a very negative vibe and introduced me to Johnny the Homicidal Maniac * one girl from art who was like 7 feet tall but had normal proportions, so she looked like a mini-giant

At the same time, I was going to UNM for dual-enrollment, mostly math. My relationship with my dad was deteriorating; teen angst, stress from moving, depression, and lack of mutual understanding. Eventually he relented to getting me a therapist, which ended up being a (late) PhD child psychologist. I stopped seeing her when I turned 18 and went into college. To get away from my dad, I moved into the UNM dorms.

Sometime around here was when I got my first job as a student worker. First a temp job moving boxes, then as an IT admin assistant, and finally data entry and call redirection. Over the Summer I got a job with one of my mom's coworkers helping him research hobby electronics so he could make the most of his free time. All of these were full of shame because I didn't feel like I was working hard enough to justify the pay, and they all ended in ways I took personally. At the time they confirmed to myself all of my personal failings and screamed back that I was a loser who couldn't do anything right.

I think this is around the time my mom married my stepdad, and my dad married Kaya for tax reasons. Eventually they separated and Lindsey came in; they married a couple years later. I liked both stepmoms, and had no problem with remarrying. My stepdad however, I didn't dislike, but I found a very large disconnect with him. He clearly didn't enjoy children, and had a difficult time expressing emotions which made him extremely intimidating. There were even some interactions which unintentionally shattered my confidence, as he was a programmer and I thought I could talk to him about that.

College was a blur. I met up with Al again in a sociology class we shared, and through him and his sister Sarah, I made two more friends: Ariel and Tristan. They were the best friends I remember having, though it was mostly through Al. We shitposted about My Little Pony and Arnold Palmer tea. The first semester I passed, barely. I think I failed the next semester and planned to kill myself at the end because I thought my life was ruined. I exploded and told my dad that I hadn't taken any of my antidepressants. I ended up moving back in with my dad. My sisters had moved in by that time. Our relationship only strained more, and I exploded at him telling him "fuck you", to which he kicked me out. I moved in with Tristan.

There my depression stewed. My eczema got especially bad without my topical steroid, and I isolated more and more. Tristan's dad talked to me often about stoicism, philosophy, and project management. He pursued stoicism as his best virtue, taking on all the burdens of the world. When I talked to him, it always felt like he was a diamond under immense pressure that would shatter if the pressure was relieved. It seemed like he was using my stay as an extra mouth to feed to increase the stress he was under on purpose, so I eventually worked up the courage to go back to college.

I think I did one semester, passing barely again. Then at some point, Al realized I was taking the group's sarcastic jibes personally and was codependent on them. He told me he didn't want to be responsible for giving me pain and that we shouldn't be friends. From there, I avoided everyone from that group, going so far as to make large detours to avoid spotting them. I was too afraid to face them any longer. The next semester, I went to the first few classes, then became a hikikomori for the rest of the semester, only leaving my room for food and the bathroom. I didn't want to live, but I didn't have the will to kill myself either.

That state broke when it was revealed that I had failed all my classes. My dad took me back in, with similar tensions. I visited my mom for the Summer and saw a therapist/psychiatrist named Dr. Goodman. She had my half-sister Marlena.

By sheer luck, I got a job as a administration assistant at a company my cousin Alex worked at, Engage. He presented it in terms of reprogramming their database stack, but I knew I wasn't there for that. Still, I insisted on writing scripts to do the extremely tedious job of pressing buttons in the right sequence to print the mailing labels by the thousands. At some point I accidentally managed to fuck up not once, but twice. The first was caught, but the second made it all the way to the post office where they charged a fee for every incorrectly labeled mail, probably costing thousands of dollars. I was let go soon after for personality conflicts and because I wasn't taking my time, doing things too fast so mistakes were easy to make.

I was offered a replacement job in the data entry department, which I was very reluctant to take because I wanted to run away from the whole thing and forget the wild emotions. I got it, learned the ropes, and did that for a couple months during the 2016 election (which made lots of mail), all the while getting less and less stable as I began to see the job as a symbol of my failure as a person. As I saw it, it was the job I was moved to out of pity because any hobo off the streets could deliver identical work, and yet I was still struggling and felt ashamed because no one else had any problems. I ran out of my medications and that spiral plummeted and I felt the need to quit because what work I did on the clock was terrible and I frequently had to clock out to keep from clawing my eyes out. Every day I went in was sheer agony, which I'd compare to mentally tearing off each fingernail one by one. It was exploding with shame, panic, anxiety, fear, self-hatred, and tedium.

Unfortunately no one in my family saw it that way. Everyone seemed to think I just didn't want to do my job because I "didn't like it". I tried to tell them that I "just couldn't" go in anymore, but all I got back was that I have to. I didn't. More shame. It doubly confirmed the fears I already had, that the job was more important than I was. I suffered this pain every day and yet it was more important that I bear it and lose my mind rather than lose the job. Talk about worthless.

Eventually it came to a point where Goodman seemed to think I wasn't depressed and was manipulating my parents into giving me a free ride. My parents expressed their fear that "if I dropped him off at a shelter, I'd never see him again", which stung. I didn't want to live and everyone around me wanted me to work to live no matter the cost. I would thoughtlessly mention euthanization as a viable option. So, she was right to fear that. More shame from being such a failure as to put such responsibility and pain on my parents. That day I spent an hour seriously thinking about killing myself despite my hesitation, reasoning that I was a parasite on my family and the only way to relieve them of my burden was to relieve them of me. Whatever pain I caused by dying would pale in comparison to the pain I'd cause by living. I wondered if any excuse I had against this plan was a selfish desire to continue living in spite of the pain of others. I never went much farther beyond that, though.

Eventually my parents convinced Goodman to send me to Sierra Tucson. There, I learned about trauma, the distinction between shame and guilt, codependency, and the importance of friendship. I felt awakened, as if from a coma, and first time in my life, I enjoyed living for its own sake. I was transferred to Crownview Co-Occurring Institute for Intensive Out-Patient, where I regressed some due to it being a less supportive environment. Still, I learned how to deal with adversity in reality, particularly overcoming my issues with authority, defensiveness, a need to be right all the time, and how to take criticism without taking it personally.

During recovery, Katie had my niece Aurora. Most of the effect of that was from watching how other people reacted and interpreting the underlying reasons. I believe Katie refused an abortion/adoption because she intended to use Aurora to assert her maturity and capacity to be responsible to my dad and Lindsey, who had a tendency to micromanage her which led to teenage rebellion. What's sad about that is I think she lacks self-care emotionally and mentally, and now she won't ever have an opportunity to work on herself because she'll be working on her kid. In trying to appear more mature, she destroyed any chance of reaching maturity healthily. Now she's still struggling to break free of them, seeing all of their "suggestions" (which, to be fair, are stated more as commands) as personal attacks, saying she isn't capable of taking care of her symbol of adulthood.

And now I'm in R&R. I don't know where I'm going from here.