#and the temptation was greater than i could withstand

[eddis-not-eeddis]

I have had a sword for a little less than 24 hours, and already I have driven off a man with it.

[mfkinanaa]

LIBRA RISING.

Born with Libra on your Ascendant (or Rising), life is likely to be experienced as a constant series of choices.

It is important for you to consider everything from its various points of view.

Deliberation may be your hallmark, and eventually justice your middle name.

Libra is an Air sign, concerned with fairness, equality and right relationships.

Thus, you are likely to feel the need to be objective in all your dealings, and will specialise in relationships.

However the need to consider all perspectives may be somewhat crippling if a decision or resolution cannot be reached.

Reflective judgement with a committment to equity is the key note for you.

Your task is to find the right principle involved in a given situation, and then commit to it – maintaining your position without changing your mind.

Shall I Do This Or That?

When your Ascendant is Libra, the temptation to change your mind is ever-present. This can lead to vacillation, indecisiveness and a tendency to fence-sit when a choice is not made. You need to become aware of any intrinsic desire to avoid making a decision, as this will lead to others seeing you as fickle, and even opportunistic, rather than the finely balanced, fair-minded individual that you truly are.

You may be easily imposed upon because of a tendency to avoid openly stating what you really want. You yourself are likely to feel frustrated by this inability to choose. It is important to reflect on this and admit to yourself what your true motives are. Are you seeking others approval by avoiding action? Do stop yourself doing what you know is right in case someone else disagrees?

The Need To be Liked.

Often, the desire to be liked, and a willingness to please others can lead you to “people-please”, rather than commit to what is right or fair. In order to guard against this tendency, a reliable, fair and objective system of values needs to be established. You would do well to be guided by principle rather than popularity in the choices that you make.

A balance should be found between activity and passivity, between head and heart, intuition and logic. Negotiation through charm and objectivity is your forte, and you can help bring about resolution through a balanced assessment of facts.

You need to experience both confrontation and compromise to find out what is important to you. Thus, you can be both principled and assertive, willing to compromise yet clear in your objectives once you have decided on what you want. At your best, you are able to express the grace, poise and consideration which is characteristic of this sign. 

Harmony and Balance.

Symmetry, proportion and balance are also important, and you are likely to prefer harmonious, refined or well-designed environments. You need to be surrounded by beauty and will function best in an organized and aesthetic space. Harmony is important for your mental balance.

You are also likely to be quite refined, with a sense of style that is often innate. It may be important for you to project a stylish appearance, and so, you may also be very fashion conscious.

The search for the ideal system, relationship or ideal can lead you into many areas of interest and exploration. This is a mental sign after all, so that information is a key theme. You are also probably known for your listening and negotiation skills, and ability to give good advice. This is the sign of wise counsel, and your capacity to make a detached assessment of any situation is likely to be highly esteemed.

The Gift of Libra Rising.

Relationships are a major concern, and you will get the best from your partnerships when you learn to first define who you are, and what you need, before then making any necessary compromises to keep things agreeable. Libra is the sign of partnerships, and you may feel that you need others to be able to fulfill yourself. Doing things collaboratively brings your best qualities to the surface. You may find it easiest working toward a goal when you have someone else to do it with. Through relationships, you learn to assert yourself, adjust to others, and to stand up for the principles which you believe are fair.

SCORPIO RISING.

Born with Scorpio on your Ascendant (or Rising) you are likely to experience life as a constant series of obstacles or crises in which you learn about the nature of power through transformation.

Whilst this may seem challenging, once understood in terms of a life lesson, you have the potential to be an inspirational and catalytic individual.

Your strength and insight gives you the ability to change your own life and help others overcome whatever is holding them back.

On the one hand, this is a difficult Ascendant.

On the other it offers you a magnetic and charismatic quality that makes you fascinating to others and deeply perceptive.

There is much in the experience of Scorpio Rising that involves learning to transform yourself and others through episodes of conflict, challenge and subsequent letting go.

Finding the Light Within.

When your Ascendant is Scorpio, a confrontation with that which is dark, hidden, destructive and taboo in your own nature is often required. Despite your best intentions, you may need to deal with negative, toxic and obsessive emotional states that seem to plague you.

Such destructive qualities need to be internally transformed by being acknowledged, accepted and brought into the light.

You may also meet the same qualities in others. You could find yourself confronting darkness in the outside world through facing extreme situations, or attracting negativity to yourself. Whilst your nature is inherently good, you are learning to experience both the positive and negative aspects of life.

Through overcoming difficult situations you find your strength and light.

The Eighth Labour of Hercules.

The themes which present with this sign on the Ascendant can be described by the mythic tale of Hercules battling the much-feared Hydra, a demonic creature of the Underworld with ten heads and a deadly bite.

The Eighth Labour of Hercules tells the story of how he overcame the beast. Victory required submission rather than brute force. Every time Hercules cut one head off, another would appear.

To overcome the Hydra, Hercules had to follow the guidance of his teacher – “We rise by kneeling, we conquer by surrendering, and we gain by giving up”. This experience could be described as the quintessential lesson for those with Scorpio rising.

The Curse of Jealousy.

Jealousy is often an issue, especially in the early part of life. You may find yourself envious of others apparent power, beauty or success – with no rational explanation as to why.

This destructive emotion can alienate you from others, generating friction that needs to be released. Envy pulls you down and can trigger a nasty backlash. If not released, resentment and associated feelings fester within, rearing their ugly heads at inopportune times with a powerful and destructive force. Internal pressure slowly builds until an explosion occurs.

Just like the Hydra, toxic emotions can only be conquered through submission. This means letting go of negativity and aligning yourself with something greater than your personal desires. Humility and self-acceptance is required.

You may find yourself oscillating between hopeful and hopeless responses to your feelings and external stimuli. You can unconsciously create dramatic events in your life which trigger catalytic personal experiences as you discover more about your true self.

Sometimes, situations of disability and impairment come about, so that the fear of helplessness or restriction is materialised. These challenges then become the opportunity for you to experience surrender, learning eventually to open up and trust others.

Private & Sensitive.

Private by nature, you are likely to give very little away about yourself until you know who you can trust. Others may not be sure of your true intentions. They may find you somewhat inscrutable, mysterious or just hard to read. You are likely to play your cards very close to your chest.

Rather than being secretive, you are self-protective.

Your acute sensitivity to environmental influences means you try to avoid exposing yourself and feeling vulnerable in any way. For you, letting others know how sensitive you really are means giving them a kind of power you are not sure you want to give.

You are often extremely aware of the underlying emotional currents surrounding you. This sign is extremely perceptive. You can easily pick up on another’s mood, and will sense how they feel – sometimes before they do.

You will also have a knack for exposing hidden intentions, and will need to dig deep to uncover the underlying psychological motives in any important situation with which you are involved.

You will also be aware of others potential to be deceptive, abusive and less than truthful, and so you can be at times disarmingly honest. Most often, your preferred form of attack is defence, and so you keep yourself to yourself.

You are generally quite content therefore to wait while others reveal who they truly are to you. 

Careful in Relationship.

With a warm and passionate heart, you are likely to respond intensely to significant relationships, and it will be especially important for you to find a partner you can trust. You do best with calm, placid yet strong lovers who are able to withstand the intensity of your emotional reactions, and your need to work them out through others.

When you have committed your heart to someone, you are loyal, giving and devoted. You need someone who is stable enough to ride any emotional storms and patient enough to give you the security you need.

In many ways you might take an “all or nothing” stance with affairs of the heart. You need time to get to know someone so won’t be inclined to rush in. Even if you do form a connection quickly, you will probably withhold parts of yourself. You need to know your partner is “all in” before you can trust them.

Or you could try avoid intimacy because it means you have to let your guard down. For this reason, you can be hard to get close to, as your self-protective mechanisms are very strong.

This can mean you end up remaining on your own, leaving others feeling uncertain as to where you stand but safely at a distance.

The Fires of Transformation.

Once the necessary transformations have come about, you then become a powerful catalyst or agent for change in your own and others lives.

You have the ability to renew and rebuild your life, and can show others how to do the same. Negative states can be transformed and redirected through internal processes. A creative outlet, some form of therapy, a mystical experience or an intense sexual exchange can serve as the means to refine these energies.

As you let go of pain and open up to light you find strength and wisdom within.

You are likely to have a penetrating kind of insight that makes you a valued confidante and friend. You have great compassion for others, but will not suffer fools. You are also likely to be patient, persevering and reliable, and can be a source of strength in times of need.

Your desire for truth means you may sometimes have to employ shock tactics to instigate change. Usually this is not to be upsetting, but rather because you know sometimes you have to say the things that others will not in order to shake up the status quo.

Your highly developed emotional intelligence can make you privy to others’ secrets. When you share vulnerabilities with others you also learn to let go of your own fear of being overwhelmed.

The Gift Of Scorpio Rising.

Yours is an intense rising sign, with the potential to experience great rewards. You have come to learn the secrets of resurrection and rebirth through experiencing transformation in certain areas of your life. Once you learn the techniques of inner growth by finding your power within you then have the capacity to become an incredible force for change.

SAGITTARIUS RISING.

Born with Sagittarius on your Ascendant (or Rising) you are likely to experience your life as a quest, challenge or search for adventure where the prize you seek is meaning.

Self-awareness comes about through expanding your horizons – at either physical, mental or spiritual levels.

You are likely to approach new experiences with a sense of optimism and hope – an expectation of success.

The dynamic, fiery qualities of this rising sign need to be directed toward reconciling some of the metaphysical and philosophical quandaries of life.

In your quest for meaning, you should leave no stone unturned.

The Search for Meaning.

When your Ascendant is Sagittarius, every situation can be viewed as an opportunity to learn. You are likely to feel a sense of restlessness and need to have the freedom to roam, explore horizons and see how far you can go. This might happen at physical, mental or spiritual levels.

At times, your life could feel like a pilgrimage, where the need to find the holy grail of your own “truth” is paramount. A way to express this approach might be – “I see the goal; I reach the goal, and then I see another”.

Gifted with energy and inspiration, you are often able to inspire and uplift others. You are typically broad-minded and so happy to let everyone live their own lives. Charged with faith and optimism, you can look for symbolic meaning wherever you go, finding portents in life’s circumstances and omens to guide you on your way. Usually, every event is seen as part of a larger, connected whole. You find meaning in patterns and serendipity at every turn.

Times of Excess.

Yet there may also be times where you allow your faith to dwindle. If you fail to find the answers you seek you can become despondent and cynical in the extreme. You must be careful not to set yourself up for crushing disappointment by setting expectations that are unrealistic or too big to achieve.

Added to this, there may also be a tendency toward excess, inflation and overstepping the mark. Your exuberance and optimism can sometimes turn to greed, recklessness or a lack of due care. Your tendency to go to extremes goes hand in hand with a belief in your own invincibility and need to push boundaries in terms of what is possible. It is worthwhile checking in at times to see if you have in fact gone too far – despite the fact that you want to. 

Sharing your Truth.

If your Ascendant is Sagittarius, you need to find your truth on your own terms, and there may be an extended period of searching for the right path, teaching or philosophy to satisfy your quest. You may spend significant chapters of your life travelling or immersed in a particular belief system, exploring ideas and concepts to their broadest level.

You are likely to be passionate about the pursuit of knowledge, and so it is important to allow yourself plenty of opportunity to explore new horizons, and broaden your sphere of reference.

Once you have found a path that fulfils, you can become so enthusiastic that you want to share with everyone else what you know. You are eager to teach others what you have learnt. Many excellent teachers have this sign pronounced in their charts.

Yet some of you can turn to preaching and even zealotry in your eagerness to share. There may be times when you go to extremes in your efforts to recruit others to your particular belief system. Care should be taken to extend to others the same intellectual, moral or personal freedom that you require for yourself.

In this way, you can manifest the darker side of Sagittarius, trying to co-opt others into agreeing with your version of the truth. Cynical disbelief can be equally vehement as optimistic faith. In the end you will find that trying to convert others is an ultimately futile preoccupation.

The Gift of Sagittarius Rising.

With Sagittarius rising, life is best viewed as a quest and adventure. Faith and a positive attitude are your greatest assets. You are likely to approach life in a grand way, excited by possibilities and certain of your right to experience them. Using your innate gifts of insight and perception gives you the ability to inspire and uplift others, helping them become the best that they can be by lighting the fire of meaning and purpose all around.

[viogsquad]

late night texts - david dobrik

authors note; first time posting smut on this account so please be kind lmao! feedback is appreciated so please send it through if you want because it means the world to me.  word count; 2.6k warnings; oral, dom!david. 

There was something dangerous about David’s charm, his ability to have you running over to his house whenever he wanted something you had tried to withstand many times, knowing full well that he only wanted you because he was busy editing and needed some comfort when the sky turned dark and the streets of LA became quieter. His begging would start with sweet texts where he expressed how much he missed you and you knew that meant that he missed your mouth.

Like the fool you were, you would be over at David’s house as soon as possible, not even bothering to knock as you walked straight through to the living room and saw the sight you came across most nights. It was at this time at night when David looked most attractive you thought, his hair pushed back and stuck in a beautiful mess, practically begging your hands to run through it, his lips formed into a pout as he watched over the same clip of footage repeatedly, the hoodie he was wearing oversized and looking ever so comfy.

You took a few moments to watch him, somewhat finding it hard to believe that someone so innocent and sweet looking could effortlessly have you pinned to the wall with a hand around your throat as he whispered the most sinful of words into your ears. Then there were the times when he would be completely at your beck and call, his hands tied to the headboard as he allowed you to take complete control of his body and mind, bringing him a new kind of pleasure he had never felt with another woman.

“Going to kept staring at me or are you going to come over here and suck my cock?” David suddenly asked, his eyes not moving from the computer screen as he tried to cut down a clip so it would perfectly fit into his video.

You jumped back at David’s voice before turning your face into a frown as you walked behind him and lightly slapped him on the shoulder. “Is that all you want me for?” you joked, one hand running along David’s shoulder and down to his chest, the other resting on his throat which you softly comforted with the pads of your fingers. “Anyone would think that you use me for my mouth and my mouth only.”

“I’ll buy you something pretty,” he suggested, knowing full well that he didn’t need to spend any money on you when you were more than willing to submit to David’s needs, just like he would always go rushing over to yours when you texted him at three in the morning on days that didn’t require an upload.

It was the way it had been for months and it was how you planned on keeping it. The fun of sneaking around without the pressures that came from having a relationship in the public eye was something you adored. It was your chance to have David alone without having to share him with other people and the rest of social media. It was yours and his secret, covert meetings and sweet nothings exchanged in the privacy of either your bedroom or his, the words you spoke never leaving the room or appearing in the presence of others.

“I’m sure you will,” you wondered, your thumb gracefully passing along his chin until David leaned his head down slowly and pressed his lips against the skin. “How about you help me out?”

You moved your hands-off David and strolled around to the other side of the sofa, his eyes finally leaving the computer screen as he watched your body sink down next to his, your hands grabbing the edge of the laptop and placing it on the coffee table. “What do you think you're doing?” he asked, shifting his body slightly so he could look you over. “I need to upload within the hour.”

“Come on,” you whispered, lips pressing against David’s cheek and down towards his jaw. “Just give me what I desire and I promise that I will do whatever you want when you’ve finished editing.”

With your hair wrapped around his fingers, David dragged you back slightly so you were face-to-face, a sardonic smirk plastered onto his face that told you that you were in for it. “Where do you want me?” he asked, not taking much convincing when your voice was as seductive as it was and when you looked as beautiful as you did.

“Lay down,” you told him, standing up for a moment so David could get himself in the right position. “Good boy,” you praised as you attempted to switch the roles and become the dominant one. Your eyes never left David’s as you straddle his thighs, your hands running along his clothed chest a few times before your fingers moved up to his mouth.

As sensually as you could make it, you placed your thumb against David’s mouth and dragged his bottom lip down slightly as you smirked down at him. Planning to go further, you attempted to slide your thumb inside of David’s mouth and onto his warm tongue but with swift motions, David’s large hands was wrapped around your small wrist, stilling and shocking you.

“Don’t start thinking that you are in charge because you aren’t, sweetheart,” he purred, soothing your skin with his fingers. “Now, get up here because I am desperate to taste you.”

Gulping, you began your journey up David’s body, your mouth itching to kiss every inch of his neck that was exposed to you, the glow that blessed his skin glamorous and appealing. The look of hunger in David’s eyes shot straight to your core, the need for his mouth on you growing stronger with every stare as he waited patiently for you to get yourself sorted out. Like always though, you were a tease who goes a rise out of seeing David slowly become more tormented, his cock growing at the sight of you slipping the dress you had thrown on off your body and onto the floor below like it was nothing. The lack of underwear had David’s eyes rolling back, his hips bucking as he tried to create some friction but your hand pressing against his clothed stomach had him groaning.

“I am in charge,” you finally responded, slapping David’s hand away when he attempted to grip your waist and drag you closer.

Moving your hips along David’s clothed cock, you almost came there and then from how hard he was. Curse words slipped from your mouth as you leaned forward and flattened your palms against David’s hoodie. David’s bottom lip was between his teeth as he watched you carefully move along his joggers, your wetness leaving a mark in its wake as your face scrunched up in pleasure at the sound of David’s own soft moans.

“Up here,” he managed to say, still attempting to grasp onto the tiny bit of dominance that he had. Ignoring his words that were broken up and breathless, you applied more pressure and rolled your hips at a faster pace. “I said, up here,” he said, his tone putting you straight back into your place. “This is your last chance otherwise I’ll leave you alone in this room and go and edit somewhere else, leave you begging for me for a few more hours, yeah?”

Nodding your head, you were silent as you finally made your way up David’s body, both of your hands pressed against the arm of the sofa that was behind David’s head. David made himself more comfortable on the sofa and tried to remain calm, already knowing that he wanted to remember this and not rush it in the slightest. It had been a while since the two of you had been together sexually, work commitments getting in the way of the private time that you spent together when everyone had gone back to their own homes. To David, there was no greater sight in the world than seeing you come undone because of his touch and if he could have you liked that every single day, he would.

David’s hands gripped your thighs as he delved in, not giving you a chance to prepare yourself for what was to come. You jumped forward as you mouth parted into a perfect circle, no sound escaping as your fingernails dug into the arm of the sofa for dear life. Your thighs squeezed against the side of David’s face as you moved in sync with his tongue, your hips rolling against the wetness of his tongue a few times before he squeezed your thighs harshly as a reminder that he was in charge like he had first announced and you didn’t get to call the shots despite attempting too.

Looking down, you moaned purely from the sight of your secret lover. His hair was teasing the inside of your thighs, practically longing to be pulled on as your orgasm washed over your body but you kept your hands where they were, not wanting to torment David anymore. Your head was thrown back as you whispered David’s name repeatedly, your voice becoming higher with every syllable before breaking up into a loud moan that echoed around the living room. David’s tongue flicking against your clit were becoming more distressed, the humming from his own moans causing you to lift your thighs up slightly, a small giggle escaping you when David dragged you back down and placed you were you belonged.

You knew the rule of no touching during moments like this but the temptation was strong. You knew David well enough to know that he already had a punishment lined up in his head for when you decided to defy him and go against the rules that you had both placed there. It was a known fact between the two of you that the rules were pointless, both of you breaking them whenever you wanted simply because you both loved the idea of punishments. Disobedience was running through your body like wildfire and the sound of being punished for going against one of David’s rule was not unpleasant at all, especially after some time away from his touch.

“Do you like that?” David asked, pulling away from a quick moment before going straight back in again, his brown locks tickling your thighs as he swirled his tongue around your clit.

You could barely think, let alone speak. The feeling of the expensive, and frankly overpriced, cold rings on David’s fingers that were pressing against your skin just reminded you of the last time you had disobeyed him and how harsh they had felt against your bare skin. Thankfully, David didn’t need any words from you. He could tell how you were feeling from the expression on your face and the whimpers that slipped from your swollen lips every time he hit the right spot.

“I’ll do this every day for you if you want, doll.”

Losing all sense of control when David returned his mouth to your core, you decided that it was time to play with the devil and get what you had been craving for almost two weeks out of the man. Pushing your hand in between your thighs, you gripped David’s hair and tugged softly, his own breath halting for a quick second as he looked up at you and warned you with only his eyes. You glared back at him and tilted your head to the side, the cocky side of you that only came out during sexual encounters finally coming out to play.

David lapped up your wetness, his tongue working quicker against you whenever you pulled at his hair with more force. All he could focus on was how good your hands would feel wrapped around the girth of his cock rather than his hair, your touch the one thing that he desired the most.

With the little bit of willpower, you had left, you lifted your hips up so you could fully look down at David, your eyes rolling back and a moan coming from you at the sight of his cock. His eyes were darker than normal and his mouth and chin were soaked with your arousal which was quickly gathered up with David’s tongue so he could taste you all over again. The hum of appreciation from David causing a flutter in your stomach.

“God, you best get ready for later on,” he said, words promising not threatening. David pressed the pad of his thumb onto your clit and swirled it around in soft circles, your wetness dripping down and past the Cartier ring. With David’s words, you decided that enough was enough and you placed your hands back on the sofa so you could get some sort of approval but the shaking of David’s head had you confused. “Leave them there and pull harder, please.”

Pulling you down so you were flat against his face, David’s tongue entered you in a needy way as he tasted every inch of you. The sound of your wetness, moans and whimpers, along with David’s own sounds of pleasure was all that could be heard in the room and you were thankful that Natalie was not in. Pulling David’s hair and moving your hips along his face only encouraged him to go faster and bring you to your peak quicker than he had planned. You were almost positive that bruises would be left along your hips and thighs by the time David had finished but that didn’t matter to you, there would be plenty more littered along your body by the time the sun came up.

“Are you going to cum for me, darling?” David asked, giving himself a few seconds to collect himself whilst also looking up at your face just to double-check that you were okay, your wellbeing coming before anything else. “Answer me, please.”

His voice was too calm for your liking and it frightened and excited you at the same time. “I’m close,” you whispered, your faux sad and pretty eyes looking down at David in hopes that he would be nicer with you and bring you to your peak, you should have known better than to believe that. You moved back down and tugged on David’s hair, the series of whimpers and moans from David as he brought you closer to the edge had you truly believing that he would take pity and make you come but as soon as the burning feeling started in your stomach and your legs began to shake, David was pushing you away to the other end of the sofa.

“David, come on,” you groaned, body weak as you attempted to climb up his body but all he did was push you back down and smirk. You suddenly regretted wanting to be punished. “Do you want to come first? Is that it? I’ll suck your cock, Dave, I will - “you cut yourself off as you sunk to the ground, your knees banging against the wooden floor as you watched David sit up and move around wordlessly.

There was a deviance to his glistening mouth as he watched you attempt to drag down his joggers, a grin on his face when you finally realised. “I’ve already had my release, doll,” he said as sat up slightly and grabbed your hand. “All because of these pretty little hands in my hair and the moans that you let out,” he whispered against your knuckles, delicate kisses pressed into the skin.

“Didn’t even let me have a taste, how rude,” you replied as you applied pressure to David’s cock, hoping that it would stir something up within him. “Let me have come please, I’m begging.”

David chuckled before leaning over your body and grabbing his laptop. “I will do as soon as I’ve finished editing, over and over and over again until you can’t take no more.”  

[throwinggrapesoffthebalcony]

Literary Essay: THE LOVE DESTROYING THE PIECE

It brings back memories when realizing why I’d removed this material from How to grow roses in the past. This is the poetic tone that was breaking the thread of the main narrative, and why I’d struggled with it previously while trying to merge the pieces. I think the appeal, or the temptation, is to write an elaborate, ‘unfinished feeling’ novel; which doesn’t always result in a better novel. More elaborate works own the reader, while simpler works might be something a reader can more easily hold to their heart; when the last pages are read and the book is closed. This material - that I wrote while immersed in the love, under the title black holes and revelations - deserves life without being broken by any other narrative, or literary obsession. How to grow roses is life, removed from all that destroys me, while black holes and revelations is all that destroys me.

Does it fulfill you, this life of events that you live? From one event to another, is it happiness?

Sexual events and conversation are my formal occasions, like a rush to create a collage of experiences to blot you out; like bodies and hair and faces and legs and arms floating on the surface of the pool and I’m trying to stay under, while I’m still taken by the shimmering gaps coming down through. There is no escape from you. I’ll hold my breath forever if I have to.

Why was I always so quiet when she mentioned you or your parents or anything about you? No line for your strangeness. Should I have taken a number the first time that I saw your face. It’s too late. But I know it’s just about the options on that other plane. I will always be slightly confused and lost without you. And so I’m walking through this perfect neighborhood again like a lost child, sniffing at the base of perfumes to keep me from falling apart. And despite its worldwide acclaim, I have to admit it isn’t as beautiful as that neighborhood in the salt air with the breeze coming off the water, with the thought of you near. I can sit for an hour, drinking a glass of wine so still, that they don’t begin to fall. Two little puddles sitting there in each of my eyes that don’t evaporate or fall.

Whispering to the landscaping. Mental anguish is a greater burden than the physical sense. Like working with concrete, clothes bleached by the lime. Xxx telling me not to bother to look nice for this. Or mowing the neighbors lawns, afraid the whole time that a pretty girl might pass by and see me doing that. And there is something that is lacking, even when they let you experience them in every way, there’s something lingering in their imperial eyes, a futile thread embroidered in the bigger tapestry - not of your kind. Hey! I’ve got some royal blood of my own. But it’s a cry too late for that. Out at sea and looking towards the shore, for a glimmer of your blue jeep. You’re all alone and waiting for me to come in. You’ve got a beach towel spread out for us that says love. The currents there, that so frequently had me alone and drifted off. A hurricane, a little fun, and I’m miles and miles down the coast. Feeling at times like just letting it take me, from that little wooden house and the misery. Drifting past.

But what’s in brackets remains guarded. Easy to write, impossible to show. 

And how can you miss something so much that you never had. What is it that one is missing, when one does not know what they’re missing?

…I look over towards the bed and think what if you were really there sleeping close right now. Let me kiss each of them. My doll, my love, open them like two little butterflies. And you look at me in that way that I’ve always prayed. The very thought leads me on. I can’t bear to close my eyes again and see you there. When I fall into bed as if onto you and close them they become the shape of yours. And now it’s completely back and I’m crashing out to the thoughts of you again. There are the pieces of you about this bedroom, as I’m crashing out to the thoughts of you again. And like a desperate voice drifting off, I’m still speaking to you. I’ll put on that expression of self control that I used to put on when you were mentioned by friends: a face, casual, distant, unconcerned and strong, while the mention of you with another boy took me under like nothing else ever could. Allison talking about someone we knew who’d been visiting you at your house and I wanted to go and vomit in her bathroom. Oh my god. Going and sitting on the lid of the toilet with my legs crossed, leaned over with my own hand going through my hair, while her and Kelly’s voices go on about college plans. And I even know what it’s like to be taken under by the rip-currents of a hurricane; held under, pressed against the sandbar until you’re sure you’ll never live to take another breath. And I was there saying under my breath again, What the fuck? It was like a cruel joke. What strangeness. What unlikeliness.

As if that one particular face never existed. Those eyes. The way your mouth spoke. And my heart was taken like a child takes a toy off a shelf. Like a glass heart off a mantle. And I couldn’t say a word. I couldn’t scream to wake up this girl, this woman, to make sure nothing was broken. And it’s as if I’m still watching you from a distance, through the glass panes of french doors and you’re on a couch, sitting there in this beautiful environment with a glass heart in your hand. As if you’re just almost seeing how special it is. And the phone rings.

Even if I were to end up with a woman as wonderful as Barbara, it would degrade even that in time. There’s no fortunate circumstance to withstand it. A house to survive a storm. And who would even want to live in a house like that with me. That is the beauty of a relationship, that neither has to worry that the other is looking off to someone else. Whether practical thoughts about someone you could be with or something that’s not possible. 

Your phone number that I’ve acquired, sits by like a dare. Like a risk. To go on thinking that maybe it could happen is survival, an even keel. You’ll cut me short and I’ll burn. Why are you calling me and what do you want? That’s what I fear the most. I want to call you from some beautiful place, as if I were at some acceptable elevation, somehow on your plane. As if that’s all there was to it. Then a conversation would take place. A conversation between two people who are somehow apart of each other’s lives. And then I could go on. I’m trapped here instead, feeling myself becoming the worst part of this Hollywood scene. Escaping into less glamorous parts of the woods, trying to feel like I’m still part of a neighborhood, and not a transient area of those trying to feel like they exist. I’m so fortunate, but your eyes left me feeling like all those who aren’t. It’s a secret that your eyes left me feeling like I don’t exist. And I know it’s not purely you that had the power to do that, but it was the combination of you and your rejection of so much love. Like the perfect storm that I can’t outrun. I can’t wish it away. And the universe is so mysterious like that. While people tell me that the world is at my feet, my heads fallen into pieces. From that period of time in that neighborhood, I haven’t been free. I can’t see the world without this tint, this pattern. Corridors and hallways and courtyards destroy me. Windows, fucking windows. They’re not what they should be to me. And every other girl is a dead end. 

I head this way towards Beverly Hills and Brentwood and then to the ocean. I stop along the sidewalk for a minute. Those funny little tendrils have mysteriously appeared from a hedge that looks to have just been sheared clean, maybe yesterday or as early as this morning. I stop and make believe that it’s the manifestation of your love reaching out for me. I feel over this beautiful bright new little jasmine tendril, perfect skin, in the air reaching out to wrap itself around something. If I stood here long enough, still enough, waiting, it would intwine. Nature has become something else to me, and I’m always looking for signs in it that you love me, that you’re thinking about me too. To save myself. And I don’t know if it’s childish or insane, that I feel it that way, that for a moment I really do feel like this foliage is you thinking about me. The modern world will laugh and tell me, that it’s just a hedge, it’s just a tendril, it’s just a young girl that looks like you, it’s just a twinkling star. That other world that I’m thinking about doesn’t exist anymore. In this one everything means something else and reminds me of something or someone else in that one. I haven’t seen you in years and I rub over these new little leaves as if no time at all has passed. 

Wherever it flutters, is where I’ll be found. I’m chasing the butterfly of love, deeper into it when I should be forgetting. It’s fluttering around the memory of you. I’m still chasing it down. Up the Malibu coast. Beautiful butterfly, I say, I let go! I give myself up to fate and the tide if it really wasn’t meant to be. It shows itself and I run after it again without looking. It lands on the memory of you at the naval air station in a pair of aviator sunglasses, on that afternoon when I thought to myself at the Naval Air Station, that’s my wife sitting close by. Just a matter of time. A world of people. Like that life, with the blue angels glimmering by in array. And I was looking at you in those aviator sunglasses, looking up and away. You are a beautiful sight. The glare, the glimmer, the twinkle in my eye. xxx.

Love intwined is a paradise. Living in one, feeling nothing. I can only comment on it, like commenting on a painting. I’m the one that doesn’t feel this place. I’m the one that doesn’t feel anything. The past is greater than the future. It’s greater than the present. Screaming out your name is like sex in itself.

With no closure it keeps you in circles. And I lay down sometimes in some beautiful place, on the sand with the sea-breeze or in a garden and I feel the weight of love and I don’t want to get up again. After crying there is this stillness. And you’re just gone from waiting and all the games in this place called Hollywood. I don’t want to encounter the world anymore. Laying there through sunset and twilight, then staring up at the stars until finally getting up. I don’t want to die to this love of you. I don’t want to be non-viable, a flawed lover, a beautiful body but with half a heart for someone else. But I keep trying. Sex means more to me because I’m trying to save myself with it. The beauty of women means more to me because amongst them, there’s some chance of escape. I approach this beautiful girl dressed so beautifully with this look in my eyes. Love in the escape of love. It’s a serious look. There’s no way around me. The dress goes up. And I hold her there like that with her arms above her head and wrists together, looking over this figure and smelling this girl. And it scares her and she loves it, that I’m not cautious at all as she lets it happen with this boy that she’s never seen before. Oh my god what are you doing? An open window with the wind coming in. Morning. At least tell me where you work. It doesn’t matter anymore.

And I can’t forget. And it is a moment as if I’ve never reached for a phone before, as if calling from this phone and this esteemed environment would make a difference and somehow create an impression over the phone lines of a boy who might have something now to offer. I've had it shivering in my hand. She doesn't answer. After the beep, I only leave the ambient sound of that sunny room in a hotel before softly setting the phone down. A vacuous message hoping somehow, she’d hear this love, crackling through distance and time. I’m sweating and not even sure what in the hell I would have said to you. I say it to this beautiful air. Xxx I love you.

My punishment is the elegant hell of your indifference and aversion. And it’s a place where words mean nothing. Where we go about in silence with you not loving me. And I live forever with you in that house near the water without a word, trying to convince you in a waking dream to love me, to take a walk with me to the water. To lean against me and hold me from the breeze. I won’t hate anyone. I’m in too much the daze of this heavenly place. Have you ever had anyone see that aura of yours? Feel that from you. Dying with love to the sound of your laughter. Hold it off until it’s gone. Until there’s no life left in our light. It’s love like a radiating heart, and isn’t it like any fruit that forms then falls to the ground and eventually shrivels away. Closing my eyes beneath this lime tree tightly. They flutter off amongst the branches. One is me, the other is you. I take her hand, because nothing I’m writing about you can save me. As beautiful as that vision of you in a wedding dress is. I wasn’t the groom.

They haven’t fired me but changed the schedule around on me. There’s not enough of me left to argue about it. Just a little more disorientation. And if I thought humiliation by candle light was such a terrible thing, I would try the stark sunlight. Squinting on the way at this time of the late morning. The light’s so contrary to the way that I'm feeling; like morning sickness. But if anything, I must admit that the outdoor patio is really beautiful during the day. And all of a sudden it wasn’t an annoyance, but was almost like perfect timing, as if I was fated to work this shift, when there she was! In a way. Heaven sent! Sitting so mannerly, like a sight that I needed so badly. What a beautiful child. While waiting on her I'm a Prince to her every need. My pleasure through two courses. She’s only eaten a little piece of her cake, leaving the best part. I peak out at her. For a moment I feel pathetic but alive with my heart beating this way. I have that feeling again almost completely, like when you were near me, and it brings me to tears. She looks so much like you, my god. And the greatest signs come without the purposeful intrusions of man. Nature can be much more insightful and excruciating at times. Beautiful little girl sitting in such brilliant sunlight, don’t look at me please. Oh that precious face! An overlay of yours. Like cellophane. If you only knew. Darling do you know what it means to me? The cut of your eyes, of your mouth. I don’t know what her mother must think, when I can't help myself and I lean over and kiss the shiny hair on the top of her head. And thankfully there's what seems like an understanding look from her mother - so strangely as if she understands everything, brushing the little girl's hair back and smiling like part of the compliment, the universal love. And she should. And horribly, I'm wanting so badly to say to this little girl what I'd wanted to say to you. As if now was the chance. I’ve lost you in a life before. Let's not do this again! But it would be too strange for me to say those things to a nine or ten year old girl. And it would be too strange for me to beg them to come back again soon and to forever request me as their loving waiter! And if I could I’d take her home, and raise her, as if she were ours. It has me sweeping it up while watching them leave. It's fallen into a thousand pieces. What's missed that precious mouth, missed the plate, missed the table, missed everything but the floor. I hold that piece that’s left, trembling on a porcelain plate. Wanting to run out and speak to her one more time. I hold it between my fingers, this piece, the end, with white icing and a little lavender flower on it. Sweetness. So I’m not dead quite yet! Even while the scent of that little girls hair has me flat on the mauve carpet with my arms stretched out and staring at the ceiling with plenty of afternoon light left.

A poster of this little girl with a piece of cake in front of her and a big smile on her face, is all that I would ever need to decorate my room. And now it’s brought on an even greater flood. It’s washed me right back through those low stone Hewit gates.

Late that afternoon, you’ve never seen a happier writer, no white out. I paint my nails with it. Oblivious with the thought that another face like yours might be found.

This storm is so damn frustrating. Cursed. And it’s hard for me not to compare love. It’s like a tide line along the seawall and it hasn’t reached that point again, that all time record high again. I feel the tide of other girls rising, lapping at it like that green salt water in the wind, but it doesn’t happen and I always remain on the surface, the love and sex with other woman unable to sink me entirely or raise me to that previous love. There is that place with your name on it, exposed on a higher step on the seawall. While just the thought of the love I want from you so badly is drowning me. It washes over Ocean Drive. And any attempt at a relationship will fail again, predictably. Here it comes. Like a tidal surge. Like a sudden and unseen front. It comes through the screen windows of the apartment and takes me over. And I can smell that place. High school hallways. The salt water. You next to me. Contentment. My doll. I feel like these depths are running out of light. And I’m too young to live the rest of my life in the twilight hours. Forgive what I say about you at moments of weakness, at moments of desperation, when I think I can cast you out of my heart with words of denigration. Forgive that I’ve bathed my face and neck in holy water on a hot summer day, alone, on my way to the alter in a quiet and empty church to say such horrible things about you. I pray the Virgin Mary doesn’t think I’m speaking of her while trying to get over you. But of course this house is all knowing and would never be confused.

As memories begin to sprawl again and grow, one scene leads to the before and after and you’re there again at sea level in that sprawl of streets in the salty windy air. But it was clear that what was in the brackets wasn’t going to lead me to any kind of success here, at least not of the gilded kind. 

I’m not here with some clear and lucid understanding of the industry and studio system, but moving through all of it like a drunk boy from one pretty face to another, from one pretty place to another at the mercy of the haziness of thinking about you. 

And that’s not only where the relationships become uncertain, but also where the writing splits in two. It starts to ruin the life above the surface, the moments you’re granted that might not be with her. Writing how you feel is so difficult because of that. Because according to most people, you’re not supposed to feel like this. It is a show of weakness. Something’s wrong with you. It’s a flaw of masculinity that you can’t get her off your mind, and at the same time an offense to any other girl or woman who can’t take her off your mind. So it’s continually split while you’re hidden. Like this beautiful curd that has to be skimmed off of everything I write. Or like the pulp from the wine. Or like myself from my other self; that self loyal to you. I can say things in the brackets that I couldn’t mention otherwise. I suppose people use them for different reasons and find them in different ways, to keep things in or to keep things out. I couldn’t even say her name outside of them, even while I was desperate to bail this heart out of her. I felt like I was quietly wanting her so badly again amongst those streets. A few people knew how I felt. In high school you don’t trust just anyone to your vulnerabilities. And the friends that you’re with all the time, know it. They want to know what that sick look on my face is, when I’ve seen you with that other boy again. The most that they could do was mention when they’d seen you and what you might have said, in a loving way, giving me a glimpse. Although I knew it was just rubbing it in. They want to see me quiver, it’s all in good fun. I would just fall back, thinking, oh please don’t do this to me. But please, what else did she say, what was she wearing? Listening to every precious word about you. If I can’t have the first hand, then the second will have to do. Is it the shape of your face? Like a previous face in a previous life that I’d adored? Was it the cuddly warmth of your body that I felt when you were close? This energy in phase with mine. But a love, out of phase. Have I been chasing you for a thousand years, is that why it was so lighting quick into my blood when I first saw you. Amazing how a confident boy was all of a sudden turned to jello. Love at first sight. Like picking myself up from a high school hallway dream after that. Unbroken by the bell. Do you know what you’ve done? Maybe even without knowing it, you’ve destroyed every relationship that I’ve ever had since then. And it kills me, what reaction you might have at hearing me say, I love you. To look into those eyes, waiting. Like waiting for the final results. No reply. Wasn’t I beautiful?

Dallas is where your family moved on to. I was so sad when my mother told me that. Off to another world, one glamorous enough for you. So I flew a little higher up to live for a while. Not as high as that, so you were still way up there. With my toes at the northern, Austin city limits. I almost got all the way up there one time to look for you. But I only got as far as Temple. And I met this young blonde cheerleader there. And that’s a whole other funny story. I’m safe here with the thoughts of you. Somehow there’s a chance for you here. I feel like I’m somewhere.

But I still want to lay it at your door. I remember when we were still there and I wanted to write something and place it at your door in place of the errant knocks, but I wasn’t in that stage of life to do that. Spiral notebooks and attempts. It wasn’t all pared down yet. It was Corpus Christi and included all the people and faces that were there. And I don’t know if it was closer to what it felt like or not. I read through some of it and it’s just what happened. And being from there, there’s always the temptation to write it just as it was, to write a simple and heartfelt version. I start into something like that but then I don’t think that’s enough. As if to say, that’s nice, but not a nice enough ring for the girl that I love. Always feeling like I could never write anything more important than what I lay at your door. Confusion. Seeking perfection. I don’t even know what I’m expecting to come of it. Maybe it’s just for myself, just another attempt to free myself from it. And I’m looking over these scenes, these situations that I tried to express. With the names of all these other girls. And if there’s no freedom forward, then maybe if I delve further into the past, before I met you. And I spend a little time with those passages and it feels good. You’re not even in the picture yet. Like reversing the reel. A girl in a little yellow convertible Triumph, has my attention for a little while. And then I’m feeling like I could write an entire picture about Nicole. There’s an afternoon with some girl named Devin packing to go off to college. There’s a beautiful blonde girl named Jill that smells like suntan lotion. Then there’s going down Ocean Drive with Kevin Robinson, behind you, with you looking out the back window of your parents luxury car. And there’s the sound of his Porsche clattering and that feeling that I had at the sight of your face.

Freedom in the writing, isn’t freedom at all. Being able to write your name and not want to hide the way I feel, might feel like a breakthrough in the writing, but in reality has me right back where I was. Trapped in those streets. Progression in the work is not progression in life.

It’s stasis. Love is stasis.

And I don’t pick up the phone. She’s not you.

I’ve done as much as I can do to get rid of this love. And I’m sorry that I love love so much. I do want to just move through life with a half-numb practical mind or in drunkenness where everything is just a consideration. They are the lucky ones, never at the mercy of love. There are all these varieties of love. But you really touched my heart, for better or for worse, in a very different way than any other. And it’s this potent excruciating feeling of love without intimacy. And I crave it, just to throw my arms around you and hold you. Writing about us in a foreign land are the most comfortable pieces that I write; removed from that place and everyone that we knew. There are no bridges there, one thought doesn’t lead to the next like they should. Something’s broken, something’s burned. But here there is this atmosphere to hold it together, this aether, this talcum powdered air. And the faces, bodies, places, perfumes, every drop of it, is like a brilliant displacement to a perfect and faultless amnesia.

And when I work on it, what Barbara had asked keeps crossing my mind. What is it about? And if I can’t answer that question I shouldn’t be writing it. I don’t know what I’m trying to get to or what I’m trying to get at. What is it that I want to accomplish with it? Why have I used this opportunity as just another opportunity to speak to you instead of trying to make it here? What is it about? It’s about being in love with a girl that you can’t have, that just goes on like this horrible nightmare. And because it did’t come back my way, should I just pretend like it’s gone. Working on this labor of love while it dies inside of me. Does it turn to poison after so many years? How well does love keep? It’s still as fresh as a new born baby. I’m still shivering, thinking about that big round dial patio thermometer that looks like a clock under that green corrugated fiberglass roof, when a norther’s blown in and you can write things on the glass. And I’m standing there staring out the sliding glass doors again. So close, I could walk there even in this frigid weather without a coat on. I would survive, if only not left shivering at your door. That was never opened for this burning heart of mine. Melting down in the dead of winter on your esteemed steps. Perhaps there’s no one home, perhaps you love the sight of a boy freezing to death. At least be kind enough to throw me out an arctic sweater. Love and no arctic sweater. Forever like two frozen lovers.

That afternoon with the heavenly white thunderous, cumulus clouds billowing into the summer sky over the bay, high up into the atmosphere. I’m coming around that arch, coming to confess my love or to beg and the sweet breeze is blowing and I’m ready. I’m ready to make a fool of myself. I’m just going to grab you and kiss you. Then I see your cars next to each other. I was gazing, nearly transfixed, stopping like a dumb animal in risk of peril. Love is moving you in that direction and you arrived at that beautiful scene. And it might as well be a picture. But pictures don’t hurt this much. I should have gone to the door, interrupting that summertime interlude. Your two cars like two lovers in the sun. I should have cared less about my survival, or losing my cool. Only you can’t fight for love. There’s no war for it. There’s no place to invade for it. It must come by its own volition. And it’s so beautiful that nature’s created something so fragile and illusive, that makes it hurt so much more when it chooses not to land. And my arm and hand is outstretched and poised, waiting, trembling at the choice. Like watching the diminishing sight of a butterfly fluttering around into the blinding glare of the garden. Until I realize it’s not meant to be. But I can’t feel that way and I go further into the garden. It was a glorious avoidance that I still can’t understand. Don’t ever say why you didn’t love me, please. I’m sure there are reasons upon reasons. It’s what no other girl has been able to understand and it’s nothing that I could ever expect them to. You’re supposed to be there completely for someone else when you’re together. Someone unreachable has left me unreachable. I’ll let it ring. It’s not you. 

Alone tonight at my discretion. A woman told me that it’s like lying, a lie of omission. That I didn’t mention that there was someone I felt like that about. And it’s true that you on my mind is lying to every woman that I’m with. I’ll see one of them tonight anyway. Barbara’s away and I go through these numbers that I’ve collected at the restaurant as if in a panic and it’s getting late. It’s wonderful, but it’s not that moment of decision at that precious age. Your decision not to. It’s not that moment of denial in the past that you put me on the cross with. Forever trapped in that pattern of streets. My writing is every variation of how it might have turned out. You opened the door and made love to me. I can write the truth in the disco version. I wanted you pregnant not even out of high school. I wanted everything that could be done between two people. Sitting there one night in that park, then a smile with a turn of the head with the wishful thinking of you pregnant in a cheerleading outfit. I was lost even then, a romantic amongst those going through the motions and looking forward to future plans. I saw what I wanted too early on. It would have been nice to have stayed who I was the day before I met you.

The sound of the clock goes on ticking on my expression of what it would feel like if you were here right now, and how wonderful that would be. It’s gotten late. And this ticking clock reminds me of that old Roman numeraled clock on the kitchen wall that was like the metronome of hell. Laying there in my childhood bedroom, with my arms like a summer field dreamer, but looking up at the cracks on the ceiling like another map, always about to fall in on me. Shotguns under bed and the boxes of shells like potpourri finely scenting my bedroom. Oil based paint in the kitchen hardened in the worst of ways, amazingly un-chipped by all the years of dishes thrown against the walls. They don’t make paint like they used to. It was when you could still die eating paint chips. They were like olive green lead walls. A wall splattered with food, and no one had wandered back in that night to clean it up. And when standing there in the kitchen in the near darkness, I thought about you and how beautiful you are and how close you were, and that you were only streets away. You were so close! Then I was counting you like sheep again, that never brought me any rest. You’re coming over my bed again. On a few occasions when I thought it could happen, I set the phone on the bed next to me praying you’d call me back. I laid there fingering that spiraled cord. I laid there with the thoughts of you laying next to everyone. Is that weird of me to have imagined you with other boys, and what you were like with them? The positions. I go quietly out the back sliding glass door in the middle of the night just to get as close to you as I possibly can. It’s windy, you know the air, and I go across the path of what I can’t have. Looking down your street as I pass it by, orbiting a little closer to the object of my affection. Did you ever feel the waves emanating from the flesh of a boy that loves you so much? Did you ever feel me walking through your dream while you slept. Did I love you too much from that little house to the sea?  I’m not supposed to love someone this much! No one is supposed to love someone this much. There are no buildings or rooms or clocks in love. My eyes looking into your eyes didn’t leave you with anything? Nothing at all? And I know that silence can be as horrible as violence. Not to have you, not to be speaking with you was worse than violence, I swear. When I was in that house, in that little house growing up, in all the yelling and screaming and violence, I found peace in thinking about you. I hesitate as I pass your bending street, like the top arch of a heart. That way, for perfection and rejection! And sweetie I would have kept knocking on that door if it didn’t hurt so damn much. It never opened. So then, to feel nothing is perfection. It’s what I’m working on. It’s survival. Then an ocean drive, desperate weather, desperate words, cries for armageddon. There is no sea here! There is no ocean here. Just this black hole! Thank god, is that the end coming? A ghost jet plane coming into the naval air station with lights ablaze. No, come this way. Here’s your target, come and zero in on me. With spine against a palm I wanted the entire place destroyed. That black bay laughing as I cried, ‘If I can’t have you then no one can!’ It doesn’t work that way. And life keeps going on like the sound of water dripping in the sink, the clock ticking like a frigid metronome. Without you I’m lost in the woods. It’s cold. It’s later than I thought. I go out walking again in the middle of the night; here, not there.

And I reach the edge in the writing, where I reach the edge of how well I ever knew you. And I try to go on and go into that vague terrain a little bit further but it’s useless. I want so badly to write these scenes between you and me, with more conversation, with time spent together, with lovemaking. Limitations, limitations. I’m a fucking waiter; in the highest echelons of this craft, thinking about a girl who denied me any real time with her. How humorously cruel can nature be? That’s not a question for you. That’s a question for the universe.

What I’d taken Barbara before was so boring. It was a rosy picture, with not a mention of love, or obsession, with not a mention of violence; not in life or in thoughts. No house full of fights. No accidents. No mistakes. It was like the description of a coastal town, as if out of an encyclopedia that lasts forever because it’s merely the description of a pretty little place, not tied to anyone’s feelings, a pretty little sparkling city by the sea, without love, without hurt, without confusion. And who wants to read a diary about a miserable tiny wooden house with the wind blowing over all sides of it and paragraphs about fishing, about drum and redfish and speckled trout. And how my mother would prepare them, fresh in the skillet. And the worst part of delving back into it is delving back into it, still breathing in the air of that small wooden house, the smell of termite eaten wood and gunpowder. We no longer went hunting, if only because my father had somehow become soft hearted and said that he couldn’t pull the trigger on the fuzzy little creatures anymore: a buck had looked him in the eyes before dying. Before it was easy for him. A seven millimeter magnum on a high blind, under a Texas blue sky. Out of the scope, you can hardly even see it. It’s a long walk after to find it. But the weapons and ammunition persisted in dusty zippered bags through the years, cleaned and oiled once in a while, looking down the spiral with daylight at the end of it in my bedroom.

I remember looking into his eyes. And I couldn’t tell him that I loved you. And I couldn’t tell him that I was so proud, that at least it had been one of us; in this little area of wooden houses. I wished he’d married you and she hadn’t gone off into an open world again. I don’t know who they are? I can’t feel a part of it at all. And weren’t we all so anxious to get away completely from that place.

Every walk is amazing. I don’t know why I saw you and felt like there was no other. Like food coloring into a glass of water. Sitting there and watching my mother bake on a holiday and holding it over like an eye dropper. And you watch how it slowly spreads into the water and becomes inseparable, tainted. Always wondering if I’m tainted or fortunate to have this feeling of love. Is it a gift or a burden? I’ve spoken to others who’ve gone through life, having been in love, but never really really in love. Should I be jealous of that? I met you at Ray High School in the hallway. I knew something had happened to me when I staggered home. Not knowing if that feeling was sickness or happiness or joy. What just happened to me? Don’t let this be happening. Then I didn’t see you. That was such a lonely summer. So close but not in the same circles. Praying they’d converge in that strange place. How could I lose you in such a small town, only streets away. Those precious moments when I thought it was possible, I still turn in them. And somehow who we all chose and who we ended up with and who we tried, was all laughable to me. As if I could see too much in the future. Don’t you know that that one will be fat and bald in ten years. Don’t you know that one’s a babbling idiot. Don’t you know who it is that really loves you? Drinking and friends mouths left open at my mouth denigrating someone you were seeing. And I never mention that it’s because they’re dating you. Just that I hate that person as an individual, as a human being for some reason. I’m sure they suspect why.

And somehow here, in this world of the studio system, I can keep it alive. They can broadcast me up there on the hill. The dream story of my life. 

In the mirror, it’s a quiet confrontation of the body, face, mouth, eyes, teeth - not with a Hollywood setting, but with the circumstances of my own life. Thinking back to high school and that little bathroom, rubbing that Obsession gel through my hair and practicing that line in the mirror. That line that means everything and means nothing. Will you marry me? I’m that boy in the mirror again in that little bathroom by the den, still in love with you. Is there some chance that you would ever need this face and body and love? Should I just let go and be devoured by time? I’m lost and tired of looking for you in all these other faces. Like letting go of that mirror with ornate gold frame in the living room that I would gaze at myself in before exiting the screen door. A mirror that was like something palatial in our little wooden house. I didn’t feel like I was owed you. But just that I love you so much. It’s just a thought that goes hand in hand with every look at myself in a mirror. How could I be so lucky in love, but not with you? That face, that voice, that heart, the one I wanted. Quiet desperation. Is it too late to smile onto you? A girl you love, and even nature itself wouldn’t give a damn whether you live or die. Every glance, every view is already like a freeze frame that you’ve moved on from. A place already empty of you and anything that you were feeling. 

I’ve made the past a palace, like this magnificent scene of eating with my mother at the Crystal Confectionary, with something strangely profound about the light coming down. Meaning as well as she always means. She so humble and never wants to ruffle the feathers of perception. She doesn’t understand yet, that I’ve seen a greater vision of my life. And I’m trying to explain to her, that I’m like a cicada. I was born many lives before. Not wanting to, but asking, have you seen Jewels lately? Hoping there’s some mention of you, some mention of your life or what you might be up to. I think she knew I loved you. I think everybody did. Everybody had that look on their face looking at me when your name was brought up. And you can’t hide it. Always asking about your grandmother. Have you seen Jewels? Have you seen Jewels? Have you seen Jewels? A mother wants for her son what her son desires, with her heart so closely connected to the expressions on her son’s face. She was always too humble and polite to say anything negative. Always so calm with never a temper, such strange blood. And it’s not a mother’s place to tell her son that he can’t have someone that he loves, because of this reason, or that reason. Life goes on, just as it’s gone on before. Don’t speak to me like a child. This lunch is over! Oh mother, do you know where we’re from? Living a charade in this town, playing dumb. Take notice of nature, would you please. Shake off some of your modesty. I’ll let my blood take hold elsewhere. Dozens of races set into three boxes. Laughable. Let’s go shopping for fabric again. I’ll have to look through a thousand bolts of fabric. I’ll have to sit down and find the perfect Simplicity pattern. It’s either you look at the truth or you look away mom. I want to make a dress for her. I haven’t talked to my mother for months on end, but I’ll have to call her to find out how your grandmother spells her name sometime. You know it’s funny. My mother was always talking to her little old ladies while she did their hair about her son, how proud she was of me, and I always wondered if she ever mentioned me to your grandmother and if your grandmother ever mentioned me to you. I’ll never forget that movement of my mother, with one hand guarding the face of the old woman, and with the other spraying Tresemmé over some fresh hairdo. And the farther into fall the prettier it becomes. I remember as a child looking over those wigs, one that was silvery blue with big shiny curls on it, always thinking they were so beautiful, like works of art. And maybe I won’t have you until then. And I wonder if I’ll ever be able to say that I don’t want it now. Will that be possible to do someday. It would be interesting to see what would happen, if I had a wife and family someday and you came walking through the door, and you said that you couldn’t live without me. Better yet, you just come in and kiss me. I’m so curious as to what I’d do. And I’m not curious as a writer, I’m curious as a human being. And it’s a daylight revelation, when I find myself looking through this work that no one in the world should ever see, in which I’m this animal at the periphery of your life. Not of your ilk, even when I could never even figure out what your ilk was. Climbing up onto the aluminum carport and then up onto that little gray tar shingled roof, standing there looking that way towards the bay as if trying to see your house from there. Wanting to jump off your roof down into your pool. I’m dumbstruck in the sunlight, as if still in that breeze, as if every achilles, as if every bitter humiliation is laid out on full display. Asking myself, why is it so embarrassing to have loved someone who didn’t love me back? So there’s this annoying struggle between the revelation of my life and a disco version. And more of a temptation because Barbara was someone I felt like I could trust to tell everything to. Sex has us feeling so close so fast. And I’m always unsure if that’s self deception or not. It’s the most intimate thing that two people can do together. Then it’s divulging almost everything over a couple of glasses of wine. But it’s very different when you’re speaking to someone than writing it down. Speaking isn’t admitting to how you feel. It’s like talking about some restaurant that didn’t appeal to you and you’re never going back there. When you write it, you have to look at it. And you have to look at it again and again. It’s pared down to a classical sense, to love and the rejection of love. Well that plays been done, how many times? So it’s thrown out and I’m running to the disco. It’s much easier to write. And everyone has a wood paneled den to remember.

I don’t want to love you anymore. I want the chance to fall out of love with you. I want to be free of this feeling. I think I hear someone calling to me. I turn into the wind, there is no one there. It is this love that I’m consumed by. The wind and every memory of how it all got away. Like a moment, where after I was diverging from myself. I’m separated from you.

Although I miss the clouds. And of my entire life there, it is the impression of you that embodies the place. It’s like I was born again from the womb of your disdain for me. You are the port. When you appeared, my fate was sealed for sure.  

Is it humiliation and embarrassment to love someone who doesn’t love you? I spend days on that concept. Pretending to save face, while the love is there in you. The tendrils and the vines and the thorns and roses emanating from inside you. And you go about like this with it just under the skin. Time is passing and I’m panicked in a calm sort of way. I can’t emulate the expressions of your face so perfectly anymore. And the memory of your voice that was like an adoration slowly sucking the life out of me has become slightly washed out by the voices of girls that sounded like you, off by so many degrees. Any of your attributes and I’ve been like a bee to honey. Stay just like that honey. From that angle you’d think… I remember hearing about you at some company picnic in a sundress, and even that second hand sighting of you brought such joy into my heart. Isn’t one tapestry as good as any other? Saying to yourself, well then any girl in a sundress will do. And you try to trick yourself into believing that.

The movements don’t make any sense. Everything breaks down to it. A love letter just becomes the ramblings of a boy on Hoffman street. That for you was only a lesser easement on the way home. The glimpse of your car streaking by was like a bullet. Didn’t you ever stop to think about the fate of the quickest way home? That burning streak left through my mind. We were meant to be. But was it always such a straight and easy shot through my heart? Didn’t you see the balconies and bell tower in the sky over my little wooden house with a flag waving for you. Did you ever notice the Christmas lights I left up half the year, hoping that you’d finally come in. Such a touching streak of a car, kept me feeling like there was some pursuit. My head turning with the instincts of a canine through a bay window. Have you ever seen a dog chase a car down the street to the bloodiest of paws? Well I sort of felt that way when I saw you go by. Slow that car and let me jump in. I promise not to drool.

And how can I just walk along so blasé, where it’s like picking the most beautiful place to suffer. There’s no time to dwell on a hummingbird in some war-torn place. But there’s time here to do that. To think that everything is a sign. To think that everything means something else. That everything is about love or disgrace. And how can you be there during the hours that you’re not? How to become a transcendental ghost to satisfy the calling and the calling. While the faces gather and the conversations and laughter take place without you. What it must be that is being said. My ears are burning. But my mother did her grandmother’s hair, how I would have loved to have braided Natalie’s. Those eyes falling closed with the tenderness. I remember looking at your face and listening to your voice that I loved so much, trying to get some trace of what had occurred during all the unseen hours, wanting to be part of your life. And when these young beautiful rich mothers come in with their daughters that look just like them, and I watch them sit and fix their hair that way. It’s like a breakdown just under the surface of this waiter’s calm. I bring a little ribbon. I want so badly to be part of their lives. But I’m the periphery. If someone isn’t part of your life, they aren’t part of your life, it’s that simple. It becomes fantasy. I’ve never been to Italy. I’m writing pages and pages about us in Italy. But it’s like this consciousness of a past life. I was there before and I know the love is real. 

I avoid it (spiral notebook) for a few days and I know when I open it again it will leave me salty and shivering in that breeze of indifference again with a rosy pink carnation wilting in my hand waiting for you to want me too. I’d put it away into the clear plastic container like something that can be preserved for a lifetime. Hidden in refrigerator in the back little room, so my parents wouldn’t ask me what it was for. Bought on a whim at H.E.B.’s after a day of surfing. And I’d thought, I’m going to pin this on you. I’m going to walk over and knock and you’re going to open the door and I’m going to pin this on you even if you’re in a t-shirt or sweatshirt. The rest of our life, a coronation of love. And maybe because it’s where you were heading, I always picture you in a sorority girl’s sweatshirt all the time, with the Greek insignia on it. I don’t know if you even wear those. You’re precious to me. It becomes - in the wishful heart of a boy in love - a new reality of time, discontinuity, disco, like waiting for something now to end or fall into ruins. And I’ve been asked, where’d you get your patience? It’s absolute shock and the slow burn of love. That’s all it is. Not being able to go on with your life for one reason or another. The heart in stasis is patience. There’s no secret. You can’t fake it. I’m a product of the continuity of my life. Like layers upon layers of circumstances. And you become. They try every explanation. But it’s not a miracle and it’s not evil and it’s not un-human. It’s just someone with a ghost, someone without their soulmate that keeps walking along, looking around for another flower that makes him forget. And you’d think, that in a garden like this it wouldn’t be so hard to find.

It’s a sunny day on the island. And it’s just about the currents. The currents in the sweeping clouds. The currents in the water. I remember days when the wind was blowing so hard and the currents were moving so fast along the beach when you’d have to paddle so hard just to stay in one place. And you can’t let go of that place where you paddled out, or you don’t want to. And you’re looking towards the shore and you’re paddling and paddling. And your blue jeep is sitting there and you’re laying out on this towel beside it. And I can’t get a wave in and I’m drifting and I’m fighting the currents, paddling and paddling. And the windshield of your blue jeep is there glimmering. It’s like this strange dream where all I have to do is catch a wave in to you, but I can’t. And I just can’t. And there’s the exhaustion, and this droning love that just won’t stop. And suddenly it’s like it does something to me. And I can’t write anymore. And I’m just staring down at that scene as if looking from high above with the currents carrying me away from you. Sweeping me down that coast away from you in some strange twilight. And I know that I’m going to put it all away for a while again, and try to live life.

Love. Masochism. Self flagellation. Craft. Denial. It’s not a way out of it, paper and ink and typewriter. Taking the batteries out of the fire alarm. It leaves a soot mark on the bathtub porcelain. I ignore the banging at the screen door. That draft didn’t work; curling up and burning like rose petals.

Breaking Love

-Alan Augustine

[swilmarillion]

Play the Game

               “Angel.”

               “Yes, Crowley?”

               “Must you be so vicious?”  There was an edge of whining in Crowley’s voice, but Aziraphale was struck more by the hint of reproach.  He was almost tempted to feel guilty…but then, he was a principality, after all, and more than a match for the tempting of a demon.

               “Queen to H4,” Aziraphale said, moving his piece as he spoke.  He sat back and studied the board, eyes flicking only momentarily to Crowley’s face, which registered his displeasure.  “The point of the game,” Aziraphale said, “is to win.  There’s nothing vicious about it.”

               “It’s not the game that’s vicious,” Crowley said, moving his own queen to E1.  “It’s you.”

               “I am a principality,” Aziraphale said, holding his head high and sniffing in reproach.  “An emissary of the Lord.  I am wise and righteous and good.”

               “And cutthroat,” Crowley added.

               “My dear,” Aziraphale said, frowning, “I don’t think it’s within my nature to be cutthroat.”  He reached out and took hold of his rook.  “To E8,” he said, and set it down in its new place.

               “All evidence to the contrary,” Crowley muttered.  He tapped his fingertips on the edge of the table, considering the game board between them.

               Crowley hated to lose.  Aziraphale had, on more than once occasion, accused him of the sin of pride.  Crowley had taken it as a compliment, and yet he knew it wasn’t true—or, rather, not exactly true.  Not in this case.  Crowley was, of course, well-acquainted with all of the deadly sins—he was, after all, a demon.  Perhaps it was this sure and intimate knowledge of the sin of pride that made Crowley absolutely certain it wasn’t the thing he felt when he lost at cribbage or croquet or chess.  No, the thing that bothered Crowley, the feeling that really rankled him the most, was a pure and utter loathing for failure.

               He’d certainly felt it the day he’d lost to Aziraphale at what had started as a friendly game of Go in London all those years ago, although, in his defense, he hadn’t meant to start a fire when he’d chucked the game board through the baker’s window.  He’d been able to spin it as a temptation later, telling his fellow demons how he’d put the taste for arson in the baker’s mind.  Aziraphale, for his part, had been able to claim the ensuing witch hunts for his side, so it hadn’t been a total loss.

               “You’re stalling,” Aziraphale said, breaking through Crowley’s thoughts.

               “I’m thinking,” Crowley said, which was technically true, and yet subtly not—a perfect demonic response.  He moved his bishop to C4.

               Aziraphale made a familiar, infuriating tsk noise, his tongue clicking against his teeth.  “Dear boy, if you’re going to take that long to think,” he said, moving his rook to E5, “then do at least try to have a little more foresight.”

               “If I wanted to have a plan,” Crowley said, plucking Aziraphale’s bishop from its square and moving his own to take its place, “then I’d still be working with you lot.  I’m a demon, Angel.  We’re impulsive.  We’re doers.  We—”

               “Queen to G5,” Aziraphale said, ignoring him.

               Crowley looked down at the board, his gaze inexorably drawn to the open path Aziraphale had to check.

               “Shit,” Crowley said.

               “Language,” said Aziraphale, more from habit than from disapproval.

               Crowley hated to lose.  Aziraphale had learned this through centuries of idle, increasingly friendly rivalry.  He still remembered the fuss Crowley had made when Aziraphale had beaten him at Mahjong.  He was fairly certain the ensuing volcanic eruption had been incidental to Crowley’s defeat, but he had been sure to claim it as the wrath of God anyway, just in case.

               Aziraphale wondered vaguely if he ought to be worried about any impending not-entirely-natural disasters.

               Crowley did the only thing he could do and moved his queen to protect his king.

               Aziraphale’s queen took Crowley’s, and the angel sat back, crossing his arms over his chest.  “Checkmate,” he said, aiming for matter of fact and coming off closer to smug.

               Crowley scowled, and Aziraphale wondered if he ought to at least try to feel a twinge of remorse for whatever plague the demon might unleash.  But then Crowley sighed and tipped over his king, signaling his defeat.  “You win again, Angel,” he said, heaving a sigh of resignation.

               “There, there,” Aziraphale said, patting the back of Crowley’s hand and offering a silent prayer of thanks that the demon had finally found a bit of self-restraint.  “Perhaps you’ll have better luck next time.”

               “Maybe,” Crowley said, though he didn’t sound particularly convinced.

               “I could teach you, if you like,” Aziraphale said.  “I’ve got some excellent books on the subject.  I’m sure I could find them if I…” He trailed off, turning in his chair to let his gaze wander over the packed and overflowing shelves that surrounded them.

               “Torture’s reserved for our side, I think,” said Crowley.  He’d been around Aziraphale long enough to recognize when he was in danger of losing the Angel to the bookstore’s seemingly unending stacks.

               “Pardon me for offering to help,” Aziraphale said, turning back and affecting a look of reproach.

               Crisis averted, Crowley thought, and grinned.  “It was only a joke, Angel,” he said.

               “Not a very funny one,” Aziraphale sniffed, and then his face brightened.  “Speaking of which, I overheard a rather clever one on the train just the other day.  I think they call it a ‘knock-knock joke’, and it went—hang on, let me think…”

               “You know,” said Crowley quickly, cursing his knack for walking straight from one disaster into another, “I could really use a drink.  All this strategizing has me parched.”

               “Oh, good Lord,” Aziraphale said, standing up.  “Where are my manners?  Come with me, dear boy.  I know an absolutely charming little lemonade stand a few blocks from here.”

               “I had something a little stronger in mind,” Crowley said, standing up and stretching in a way that made Aziraphale mildly uncomfortable, in a strangely pleasant sort of way.

               “I shouldn’t,” Aziraphale said, though there was very little conviction in his voice.

               “Come on, Angel,” Crowley said, grinning.  “You’ve earned it, haven’t you?”

               “I suppose a job well done is worth celebrating.”

               “That’s the spirit,” Crowley said.  “And anyway, I think you owe me a consolation prize.”

               “It was a rather decisive victory,” Aziraphale said.

               “No need to rub it in,” said Crowley.

               “Come on, then,” Aziraphale said, and offered his arm.  “I’ve got a brandy in my office I’ve been meaning to try.  I found it at auction a week or so ago, and it was rather a steal.”

               “How very un-angelic of you,” Crowley said, linking his arm through Aziraphale’s.

               “Not at all,” Aziraphale said, leading him toward the office.  “I merely removed temptation from the path of man, who surely had not the fortitude to withstand it.”

               Crowley laughed.  “Whatever you say, Angel,” he said, and patted Aziraphale’s arm.

               Crowley hated to lose.  And yet, walking arm in arm to the back of the bookshop, playfully debating the finer points of temptation and sin with his unlikely best friend, he couldn’t help but think that there were some things in life worth losing, if only to gain a greater good.

[araitsume]

The Desire of Ages, pp. 685-697: Chapter (74) Gethsemane

This chapter is based on Matthew 26:36-56; Mark 14:32-50; Luke 22:39-53; John 18:1-12.

In company with His disciples, the Saviour slowly made His way to the garden of Gethsemane. The Passover moon, broad and full, shone from a cloudless sky. The city of pilgrims’ tents was hushed into silence.

Jesus had been earnestly conversing with His disciples and instructing them; but as He neared Gethsemane, He became strangely silent. He had often visited this spot for meditation and prayer; but never with a heart so full of sorrow as upon this night of His last agony. Throughout His life on earth He had walked in the light of God's presence. When in conflict with men who were inspired by the very spirit of Satan, He could say, “He that sent Me is with Me: the Father hath not left Me alone; for I do always those things that please Him.” John 8:29. But now He seemed to be shut out from the light of God's sustaining presence. Now He was numbered with the transgressors. The guilt of fallen humanity He must bear. Upon Him who knew no sin must be laid the iniquity of us all. So dreadful does sin appear to Him, so great is the weight of guilt which He must bear, that He is tempted to fear it will shut Him out forever from His Father's love. Feeling how terrible is the wrath of God against transgression, He exclaims, “My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death.”

As they approached the garden, the disciples had marked the change that came over their Master. Never before had they seen Him so utterly sad and silent. As He proceeded, this strange sadness deepened; yet they dared not question Him as to the cause. His form swayed as if He were about to fall. Upon reaching the garden, the disciples looked anxiously for His usual place of retirement, that their Master might rest. Every step that He now took was with labored effort. He groaned aloud, as if suffering under the pressure of a terrible burden. Twice His companions supported Him, or He would have fallen to the earth.

Near the entrance to the garden, Jesus left all but three of the disciples, bidding them pray for themselves and for Him. With Peter, James, and John, He entered its secluded recesses. These three disciples were Christ's closest companions. They had beheld His glory on the mount of transfiguration; they had seen Moses and Elijah talking with Him; they had heard the voice from heaven; now in His great struggle, Christ desired their presence near Him. Often they had passed the night with Him in this retreat. On these occasions, after a season of watching and prayer, they would sleep undisturbed at a little distance from their Master, until He awoke them in the morning to go forth anew to labor. But now He desired them to spend the night with Him in prayer. Yet He could not bear that even they should witness the agony He was to endure.

“Tarry ye here,” He said, “and watch with Me.”

He went a little distance from them—not so far but that they could both see and hear Him—and fell prostrate upon the ground. He felt that by sin He was being separated from His Father. The gulf was so broad, so black, so deep, that His spirit shuddered before it. This agony He must not exert His divine power to escape. As man He must suffer the consequences of man's sin. As man He must endure the wrath of God against transgression.

Christ was now standing in a different attitude from that in which He had ever stood before. His suffering can best be described in the words of the prophet, “Awake, O sword, against My shepherd, and against the man that is My fellow, saith the Lord of hosts.” Zechariah 13:7. As the substitute and surety for sinful man, Christ was suffering under divine justice. He saw what justice meant. Hitherto He had been as an intercessor for others; now He longed to have an intercessor for Himself.

As Christ felt His unity with the Father broken up, He feared that in His human nature He would be unable to endure the coming conflict with the powers of darkness. In the wilderness of temptation the destiny of the human race had been at stake. Christ was then conqueror. Now the tempter had come for the last fearful struggle. For this he had been preparing during the three years of Christ's ministry. Everything was at stake with him. If he failed here, his hope of mastery was lost; the kingdoms of the world would finally become Christ's; he himself would be overthrown and cast out. But if Christ could be overcome, the earth would become Satan's kingdom, and the human race would be forever in his power. With the issues of the conflict before Him, Christ's soul was filled with dread of separation from God. Satan told Him that if He became the surety for a sinful world, the separation would be eternal. He would be identified with Satan's kingdom, and would nevermore be one with God.

And what was to be gained by this sacrifice? How hopeless appeared the guilt and ingratitude of men! In its hardest features Satan pressed the situation upon the Redeemer: The people who claim to be above all others in temporal and spiritual advantages have rejected You. They are seeking to destroy You, the foundation, the center and seal of the promises made to them as a peculiar people. One of Your own disciples, who has listened to Your instruction, and has been among the foremost in church activities, will betray You. One of Your most zealous followers will deny You. All will forsake You. Christ's whole being abhorred the thought. That those whom He had undertaken to save, those whom He loved so much, should unite in the plots of Satan, this pierced His soul. The conflict was terrible. Its measure was the guilt of His nation, of His accusers and betrayer, the guilt of a world lying in wickedness. The sins of men weighed heavily upon Christ, and the sense of God's wrath against sin was crushing out His life. 

Behold Him contemplating the price to be paid for the human soul. In His agony He clings to the cold ground, as if to prevent Himself from being drawn farther from God. The chilling dew of night falls upon His prostrate form, but He heeds it not. From His pale lips comes the bitter cry, “O My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from Me.” Yet even now He adds, “Nevertheless not as I will, but as Thou wilt.”

The human heart longs for sympathy in suffering. This longing Christ felt to the very depths of His being. In the supreme agony of His soul He came to His disciples with a yearning desire to hear some words of comfort from those whom He had so often blessed and comforted, and shielded in sorrow and distress. The One who had always had words of sympathy for them was now suffering superhuman agony, and He longed to know that they were praying for Him and for themselves.  How dark seemed the malignity of sin! Terrible was the temptation to let the human race bear the consequences of its own guilt, while He stood innocent before God. If He could only know that His disciples understood and appreciated this, He would be strengthened.

Rising with painful effort, He staggered to the place where He had left His companions. But He “findeth them asleep.” Had He found them praying, He would have been relieved. Had they been seeking refuge in God, that satanic agencies might not prevail over them, He would have been comforted by their steadfast faith. But they had not heeded the repeated warning, “Watch and pray.” At first they had been much troubled to see their Master, usually so calm and dignified, wrestling with a sorrow that was beyond comprehension. They had prayed as they heard the strong cries of the sufferer. They did not intend to forsake their Lord, but they seemed paralyzed by a stupor which they might have shaken off if they had continued pleading with God. They did not realize the necessity of watchfulness and earnest prayer in order to withstand temptation.

Just before He bent His footsteps to the garden, Jesus had said to the disciples, “All ye shall be offended because of Me this night.” They had given Him the strongest assurance that they would go with Him to prison and to death. And poor, self-sufficient Peter had added, “Although all shall be offended, yet will not I.” Mark 14:27, 29. But the disciples trusted to themselves. They did not look to the mighty Helper as Christ had counseled them to do. Thus when the Saviour was most in need of their sympathy and prayers, they were found asleep. Even Peter was sleeping.

And John, the loving disciple who had leaned upon the breast of Jesus, was asleep. Surely, the love of John for his Master should have kept him awake. His earnest prayers should have mingled with those of his loved Saviour in the time of His supreme sorrow. The Redeemer had spent entire nights praying for His disciples, that their faith might not fail. Should Jesus now put to James and John the question He had once asked them, “Are ye able to drink of the cup that I shall drink of, and to be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?” they would not have ventured to answer, “We are able.” Matthew 20:22.

The disciples awakened at the voice of Jesus, but they hardly knew Him, His face was so changed by anguish. Addressing Peter, Jesus said, “Simon, sleepest thou? couldest not thou watch one hour? Watch ye and pray, lest ye enter into temptation. The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak.” The weakness of His disciples awakened the sympathy of Jesus. He feared that they would not be able to endure the test which would come upon them in His betrayal and death. He did not reprove them, but said, “Watch ye and pray, lest ye enter into temptation.” Even in His great agony, He was seeking to excuse their weakness. “The spirit truly is ready,” He said, “but the flesh is weak.”

Again the Son of God was seized with superhuman agony, and fainting and exhausted, He staggered back to the place of His former struggle. His suffering was even greater than before. As the agony of soul came upon Him, “His sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.” The cypress and palm trees were the silent witnesses of His anguish. From their leafy branches dropped heavy dew upon His stricken form, as if nature wept over its Author wrestling alone with the powers of darkness.

A short time before, Jesus had stood like a mighty cedar, withstanding the storm of opposition that spent its fury upon Him. Stubborn wills, and hearts filled with malice and subtlety, had striven in vain to confuse and overpower Him. He stood forth in divine majesty as the Son of God. Now He was like a reed beaten and bent by the angry storm. He had approached the consummation of His work a conqueror, having at each step gained the victory over the powers of darkness. As one already glorified, He had claimed oneness with God. In unfaltering accents He had poured out His songs of praise. He had spoken to His disciples in words of courage and tenderness. Now had come the hour of the power of darkness. Now His voice was heard on the still evening air, not in tones of triumph, but full of human anguish. The words of the Saviour were borne to the ears of the drowsy disciples, “O My Father, if this cup may not pass away from Me, except I drink it, Thy will be done.”

The first impulse of the disciples was to go to Him; but He had bidden them tarry there, watching unto prayer. When Jesus came to them, He found them still sleeping. Again He had felt a longing for companionship, for some words from His disciples which would bring relief, and break the spell of darkness that well-nigh overpowered Him. But their eyes were heavy; “neither wist they what to answer Him.” His presence aroused them. They saw His face marked with the bloody sweat of agony, and they were filled with fear. His anguish of mind they could not understand. “His visage was so marred more than any man, and His form more than the sons of men.” Isaiah 52:14.

Turning away, Jesus sought again His retreat, and fell prostrate, overcome by the horror of a great darkness. The humanity of the Son of God trembled in that trying hour. He prayed not now for His disciples that their faith might not fail, but for His own tempted, agonized soul. The awful moment had come—that moment which was to decide the destiny of the world. The fate of humanity trembled in the balance. Christ might even now refuse to drink the cup apportioned to guilty man. It was not yet too late. He might wipe the bloody sweat from His brow, and leave man to perish in his iniquity. He might say, Let the transgressor receive the penalty of his sin, and I will go back to My Father. Will the Son of God drink the bitter cup of humiliation and agony? Will the innocent suffer the consequences of the curse of sin, to save the guilty? The words fall tremblingly from the pale lips of Jesus, “O My Father, if this cup may not pass away from Me, except I drink it, Thy will be done.”

Three times has He uttered that prayer. Three times has humanity shrunk from the last, crowning sacrifice. But now the history of the human race comes up before the world's Redeemer. He sees that the transgressors of the law, if left to themselves, must perish. He sees the helplessness of man. He sees the power of sin. The woes and lamentations of a doomed world rise before Him. He beholds its impending fate, and His decision is made. He will save man at any cost to Himself. He accepts His baptism of blood, that through Him perishing millions may gain everlasting life. He has left the courts of heaven, where all is purity, happiness, and glory, to save the one lost sheep, the one world that has fallen by transgression. And He will not turn from His mission. He will become the propitiation of a race that has willed to sin. His prayer now breathes only submission: “If this cup may not pass away from Me, except I drink it, Thy will be done.”

Having made the decision, He fell dying to the ground from which He had partially risen. Where now were His disciples, to place their hands tenderly beneath the head of their fainting Master, and bathe that brow, marred indeed more than the sons of men? The Saviour trod the wine press alone, and of the people there was none with Him.

But God suffered with His Son. Angels beheld the Saviour's agony. They saw their Lord enclosed by legions of satanic forces, His nature weighed down with a shuddering, mysterious dread. There was silence in heaven. No harp was touched. Could mortals have viewed the amazement of the angelic host as in silent grief they watched the Father separating His beams of light, love, and glory from His beloved Son, they would better understand how offensive in His sight is sin.

The worlds unfallen and the heavenly angels had watched with intense interest as the conflict drew to its close. Satan and his confederacy of evil, the legions of apostasy, watched intently this great crisis in the work of redemption. The powers of good and evil waited to see what answer would come to Christ's thrice-repeated prayer. Angels had longed to bring relief to the divine sufferer, but this might not be. No way of escape was found for the Son of God. In this awful crisis, when everything was at stake, when the mysterious cup trembled in the hand of the sufferer, the heavens opened, a light shone forth amid the stormy darkness of the crisis hour, and the mighty angel who stands in God's presence, occupying the position from which Satan fell, came to the side of Christ. The angel came not to take the cup from Christ's hand, but to strengthen Him to drink it, with the assurance of the Father's love. He came to give power to the divine-human suppliant. He pointed Him to the open heavens, telling Him of the souls that would be saved as the result of His sufferings. He assured Him that His Father is greater and more powerful than Satan, that His death would result in the utter discomfiture of Satan, and that the kingdom of this world would be given to the saints of the Most High. He told Him that He would see of the travail of His soul, and be satisfied, for He would see a multitude of the human race saved, eternally saved.

Christ's agony did not cease, but His depression and discouragement left Him. The storm had in nowise abated, but He who was its object was strengthened to meet its fury. He came forth calm and serene. A heavenly peace rested upon His bloodstained face. He had borne that which no human being could ever bear; for He had tasted the sufferings of death for every man.

The sleeping disciples had been suddenly awakened by the light surrounding the Saviour. They saw the angel bending over their prostrate Master. They saw him lift the Saviour's head upon his bosom, and point toward heaven. They heard his voice, like sweetest music, speaking words of comfort and hope. The disciples recalled the scene upon the mount of transfiguration. They remembered the glory that in the temple had encircled Jesus, and the voice of God that spoke from the cloud. Now that same glory was again revealed, and they had no further fear for their Master. He was under the care of God; a mighty angel had been sent to protect Him. Again the disciples in their weariness yield to the strange stupor that overpowers them. Again Jesus finds them sleeping.

Looking sorrowfully upon them He says, “Sleep on now, and take your rest: behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.”

Even as He spoke these words, He heard the footsteps of the mob in search of Him, and said, “Rise, let us be going: behold, he is at hand that doth betray Me.”

No traces of His recent agony were visible as Jesus stepped forth to meet His betrayer. Standing in advance of His disciples He said, “Whom seek ye?” They answered, “Jesus of Nazareth.” Jesus replied, “I am He.” As these words were spoken, the angel who had lately ministered to Jesus moved between Him and the mob. A divine light illuminated the Saviour's face, and a dovelike form overshadowed Him. In the presence of this divine glory, the murderous throng could not stand for a moment. They staggered back. Priests, elders, soldiers, and even Judas, fell as dead men to the ground.

The angel withdrew, and the light faded away. Jesus had opportunity to escape, but He remained, calm and self-possessed. As one glorified He stood in the midst of that hardened band, now prostrate and helpless at His feet. The disciples looked on, silent with wonder and awe.

But quickly the scene changed. The mob started up. The Roman soldiers, the priests and Judas, gathered about Christ. They seemed ashamed of their weakness, and fearful that He would yet escape. Again the question was asked by the Redeemer, “Whom seek ye?” They had had evidence that He who stood before them was the Son of God, but they would not be convinced. To the question, “Whom seek ye?” again they answered, “Jesus of Nazareth.” The Saviour then said, “I have told you that I am He: if therefore ye seek Me, let these go their way”—pointing to the disciples. He knew how weak was their faith, and He sought to shield them from temptation and trial. For them He was ready to sacrifice Himself.

Judas the betrayer did not forget the part he was to act. When the mob entered the garden, he had led the way, closely followed by the high priest. To the pursuers of Jesus he had given a sign, saying, “Whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is He: hold Him fast.” Matthew 26:48. Now he pretends to have no part with them. Coming close to Jesus, he takes His hand as a familiar friend. With the words, “Hail, Master,” he kisses Him repeatedly, and appears to weep as if in sympathy with Him in His peril.

Jesus said to him, “Friend, wherefore art thou come?” His voice trembled with sorrow as He added, “Judas, betrayest thou the Son of man with a kiss?” This appeal should have aroused the conscience of the betrayer, and touched his stubborn heart; but honor, fidelity, and human tenderness had forsaken him. He stood bold and defiant, showing no disposition to relent. He had given himself up to Satan, and he had no power to resist him. Jesus did not refuse the traitor's kiss.

The mob grew bold as they saw Judas touch the person of Him who had so recently been glorified before their eyes. They now laid hold of Jesus, and proceeded to bind those precious hands that had ever been employed in doing good.

The disciples had thought that their Master would not suffer Himself to be taken. For the same power that had caused the mob to fall as dead men could keep them helpless, until Jesus and His companions should escape. They were disappointed and indignant as they saw the cords brought forward to bind the hands of Him whom they loved. Peter in his anger rashly drew his sword and tried to defend his Master, but he only cut off an ear of the high priest's servant. When Jesus saw what was done, He released His hands, though held firmly by the Roman soldiers, and saying, “Suffer ye thus far,” He touched the wounded ear, and it was instantly made whole. He then said to Peter, “Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword. Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to My Father, and He shall presently give Me more than twelve legions of angels?”—a legion in place of each one of the disciples. Oh, why, the disciples thought, does He not save Himself and us? Answering their unspoken thought, He added, “But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be?” “The cup which My Father hath given Me, shall I not drink it?”

The official dignity of the Jewish leaders had not prevented them from joining in the pursuit of Jesus. His arrest was too important a matter to be trusted to subordinates; the wily priests and elders had joined the temple police and the rabble in following Judas to Gethsemane. What a company for those dignitaries to unite with—a mob that was eager for excitement, and armed with all kinds of implements, as if in pursuit of a wild beast!

Turning to the priests and elders, Christ fixed upon them His searching glance. The words He spoke they would never forget as long as life should last. They were as the sharp arrows of the Almighty. With dignity He said: You come out against Me with swords and staves as you would against a thief or a robber. Day by day I sat teaching in the temple. You had every opportunity of laying hands upon Me, and you did nothing. The night is better suited to your work. “This is your hour, and the power of darkness.”

The disciples were terrified as they saw Jesus permit Himself to be taken and bound. They were offended that He should suffer this humiliation to Himself and them. They could not understand His conduct, and they blamed Him for submitting to the mob. In their indignation and fear, Peter proposed that they save themselves. Following this suggestion, “they all forsook Him, and fled.” But Christ had foretold this desertion, “Behold,” He had said, “the hour cometh, yea, is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and shall leave Me alone: and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me.” John 16:32.

[thotsonthebible]

Violence Against the Kingdom of Heaven

Matthew 11.23

'From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence and violent men take it by force.'

John the Baptist was the 'Elijah' sent to announce the coming of the Son of God (Matthew 11.14). He wore coarse clothing and ate honey and locusts (Matthew 3.4).  For years, Bible teachers insisted that those were not the grasshopper-type locusts that sweep Africa and the Middle East in hordes but were likely carob pods.  However, a glance at a concordance confirms that the word here is akris or 'locust'.

So John lived rough, called for repentance, condemned the hypocrisy of the Pharisees and other religious leaders, and taught that the kingdom of God was at hand. He also told those who were willing to hear that Israel's Messiah would soon appear (Matthew 3.11).

After John was arrested, Jesus pressed the crowds about John.

'What did you go out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken by the wind?  But what did you go out to see?  A man dressed in soft clothing?  Those who wear soft clothing are in kings' palaces!  But what did you go out to see?  A prophet?  Yes, I tell you, and one who is more than a prophet.'  —Matthew 11.12 (NASB)

After His discussion about John, Jesus made this intriguing statement:

'From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force.'  —Matthew 11.12 (NASB)

What did He mean by that?  How have 'violent men' taken the kingdom of heaven by force?

Perhaps your first thought was directed to the Crusades of the Middle Ages.  However, those had nothing to do with the kingdom of heaven but were religious wars fought by organized religion, in the form of the Roman Catholic Church, against the Muslims who occupied Palestine.  Those wars had not yet occurred when Jesus spoke, and He specifically said 'from the days of John the Baptist until now'.

So what was Jesus talking about?  What did He mean?

Let's look at it from a different point of view.  Remember that this physical world is temporary and that a spiritual plane also exists.  It is in that invisible plane that spiritual battles take place.  And what greater battle must have been fought than the battle to prevent God's plan of salvation through the sacrifice of His only Son?

There had to have been massive spiritual warfare in opposition to John the Baptist and his message that the kingdom of heaven was at hand.  Ultimately, John was arrested and beheaded (Matthew 11.2; Matthew 14.3; Matthew 14.10-11).

We know that Satan attempted to thwart God's plan by tempting Jesus (Matthew 4.1-10). Ultimately, the devil offered Jesus the world, if only He would bow down and worship him (Matthew 4.8-9), but Jesus refused to take the bait and countered with, 'You shall worship the LORD your God and serve Him only.'  If our Lord had given in to temptation at any point, we could not now be called the children of God.

I think the violence of which Jesus spoke is not only physical persecution but also spiritual warfare.  Christians fight spiritual battles every day.  The angels of various earthly kingdoms are in battle over the souls of those kingdoms and their people.  We can read about this in the book of the prophet Daniel.

Then he said to me, 'Do not be afraid, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart on understanding this and on humbling yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to your words.  But the prince of the kingdom of Persia was withstanding me for twenty-one days; then behold, Michael, one of the chief princes came to help me, for I had been left there with the kings of Persia.'  —Daniel 10.12-13 (NASB)

This passage also provides an explanation as to why our prayers may not always be answered in a timely manner.  Perhaps there is a spiritual battle taking place of which we are unaware.

Then he said, 'Do you understand why I came to you? But I shall now return to fight against the prince of Persia; so I am going forth, and behold, the prince of Greece is about to come.  However, I will tell you what is inscribed in the writing of truth.  Yet there is no one who stands firmly with me against these forces except Michael your prince.'  —Daniel 10.20-21 (NASB)

And there is this one, referring to events at the end of this age:

'Now at that time, Michael, the great prince who stands guard over the sons of your people, will arise.  And there will be a time of distress such as never occurred since there was a nation until that time; and at that time your people, everyone who is found written in the book, will be rescued.'  —Daniel 12.1 (NASB)

In these passages, we can clearly see what Paul was referring to when he told the church at Ephesus to put on the whole armor of God.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. —Ephesians 6.12 (NASB)

Sometimes we are aware of these battles in the spiritual realm, but often they continue unnoticed by us here in the physical realm.  But I think this must have been what Jesus referred to when he said that there was much violence against the kingdom of heaven, and that violent men take it by force.

Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. —Ephesians 6.13 (NASB)

We must contend for the kingdom of heaven against the forces of evil.  We cannot afford to be passive; we must be those 'violent men' who will contend for the kingdom of heaven!

[wisdomrays]

The Four Great Deeds Which Take Willpower

QUESTION: The following is related in Al-Munabbihat (The Counsel) with reference to Ali ibn Abi Talib, may God be pleased with him: “The following four virtues are the most difficult of deeds: Being able to forgive while enraged, showing generosity during hardship, remaining chaste in the face of temptation while in private, always speaking up for truth in the face of another whom one fears or from whom one expects a benefit.” Could you expound on the deeds mentioned in this statement, and the Divine rewards to be granted in return?

ANSWER: When you consider other statements that are ascribed to noble Ali, his words included in Nahj al-Balagha (The Peak of Eloquence) and his style and use of language, and then also consider the fact that the Muslims had newly emerged from the Era of Ignorance so notions and concepts about different fields of knowledge had not fully flourished, and works about language and eloquence had not yet fully appeared, then these words, which require a certain literary background, do not appear so likely to be his. Therefore, one cannot help but imagine that perhaps the people of the third and fourth centuries, when different scholarly fields had been developed, ascribed the words they said to noble Ali, may God be pleased with him. However, when we consider his unique qualities such as being open to spirituality, having dynamic inspirations and his position as the father of a chain of saintly people, then it is highly possible for him to have said these words as a result of inspiration. On the other hand, the previously mentioned possibility should not be dismissed. In addition, it is also possible for those people from a later period to have rephrased his original statements by enriching them with the meanings and concepts of their own period. As it is not easy to have a decisive view on this, let us say “God knows its truth” and discuss the subject of the four deeds that are mentioned.

Our master Ali firstly expresses that the most difficult deeds number four. Actually, every deed has a difficult aspect of its own. Making ablutions five times a day, observing the Prayers, Fasting throughout the day particularly on long, hot days, donating from lawful gains, observing the duty of Hajj, observing the rights of parents without any complaint near them... When such acts of worship and responsibilities are viewed, it will be seen that each of them has certain difficulties of its own. I imagine that nobody views these deeds and worship as easy. However, he particularly draws attention to four issues that he sees as the most difficult among deeds.

1. Forgiveness while enraged

The first difficult deed is being able to forgive others while in a state of rage. Actually, swallowing one’s rage and showing forgiveness at the moment when a one’s rage overflows like magma is a deed the Qur’an praises and encourages people to do. For example: “They spend (out of what God has provided for them) both in ease and hardship, ever-restraining their rage (even when provoked and able to retaliate), and pardoning people (their offenses)...” (Al Imran 3:134). With this Divine verse, God states that swallowing one’s rage and pardoning others is a quality of God-revering and pious ones (those with taqwa). He brings to our attention that swallowing one’s rage is as difficult a task as swallowing a thorny cactus. Surely, the reward for a person who accomplishes such a deed will be greater accordingly.

Forgiving is easy for a person who is not disturbed by anyone, who is in a good mood, who is shown appreciation and love by others. What really matters is a person’s giving his willpower its due at a time when he is bothered and troubled by others, and is in a rage because of that—to not respond in the same way and show forgiveness.

In fact, a human being is not a creature that has to react in the same way when some others touch him with their horns. God Almighty, may His glory be exalted, left no gap in human abilities. He endowed humanity with the way to perfection and created them as perfect beings. He granted them such a willpower that, when a person is able to harness its full potential, he can carry out the most difficult deeds and subjugate his feelings of anger and rage by taking them under control.

As you know the original word for forgiveness is afw, and it means ��erasing something.” That is to say, you deliberately ignore some of the attitudes and behaviors displayed by others which disturb and enrage you, and virtually white them out in your mind. You do not even allow all of these negativities to take a place in your mind or leave a trace in your neurons. Even if they pressurize you to the degree of affecting your health, you erase them from your cortex. This truly is a difficult deed to fulfill. However, once a person is able to accomplish that, namely, build a character predisposed for forgetting others’ evils, then the rewards in the afterlife will be very different. It is likely that in response to this forgiving attitude, the Divine punishment due for certain wrongs and sins committed by that person will be erased and he will be blessed with Divine forgiveness in return for having forgiven others.

2. Showing generosity in times of hardship

Secondly, our master Ali, may God be pleased with him, emphasized the importance of acting magnanimously when seized by hardship. It is easy for a person with a substantial fortune to be generous because it will not seriously diminish by giving some of it away. What will a person who has a thousand dollars lose if he gives away one dollar of it? What really matters is being able to give for God’s sake during hardship. As forgiveness during rage is an invitation for Divine forgiveness, generosity during times of hardship is an invitation for Divine generosity.

In a way, he drew attention to the altruistic virtue of ithar, preferring others over oneself; ithar is a person’s giving his food to another while he himself is hungry and thirsty. God Almighty states the following in relation to this issue: “...and in their hearts do not begrudge what they (other believers) have been given, and (indeed) they prefer them over themselves, even though poverty be their own lot” (al-Hashr 59:9).

During the Battle of Yarmuk, a Companion with dried-up lips, on the verge of death, was about to drink the water they brought for him. On hearing another dying Companion asking for water, he beckoned for the water to be taken to him instead. When the second Companion received the water, he heard the same moan from a third and beckoned for the water to be taken to him instead. This repeated until the water was taken to seven different people. In the end, all of them were martyred and none of those altruistic souls was able to drink the water. It is one of the most striking and beautiful examples of the virtue of ithar, preferring others over oneself, as an outward reflection of living for the sake of others in the true sense and remaining loyal to real human values.

3. Being able to remain chaste in the face of temptation when in private

The third difficult but good deed mentioned by our master Ali is remaining chaste in spite of being in a situation that allows one to sin in private..

In a saying, the Messenger of God, peace and blessings be upon him, referred to the seven categories of people who will be provided with shade by the Divine Throne on the Day of Judgment when no other shade exists. He revealed that one of these is someone who rejects the indecent invitation of a woman of status and beauty by responding to her by saying, “I fear God.”

In a way, it is easy to appear decent in others’ sight. It is not easy for people to commit sin while others’ eyes are on them. However, when someone finds himself in the vortex of such a tempting opportunity, when someone immoral is attempting to seduce him, it is very difficult for him to master his willpower and become an example of chastity; refusing temptation by exclaiming as Prophet Joseph, peace be upon him, did: “God forbid!” (Yusuf 12:23), and thus taking a clear stance against that temptation. In such situations where one is pushed toward negative things, it truly takes a willpower of steel to stand perfectly upright with the soundness of a mountain without being shaken at all. Undoubtedly, the reward for a person who withstands such temptation will be as great in the same degree.

During the caliphate of Umar ibn al-Khattab, may God be pleased with him, a seductive woman laid her eyes on a handsome young man and set a trap for him. One day, she somehow managed to make him take one step in through her door. However, the young man found himself reciting the verse with the following meaning: “Those who keep from disobedience to God in reverence for Him and piety: when a suggestion from Satan touches them—they are alert and remember God, and then they have clear discernment” (al-A’raf 7:201). Upon this, the young man’s heart stopped and he passed away right there. The Companions did not wish to inform the caliph about it; they took the body, which was found in front of that immoral woman’s house, and buried him quietly. On realizing the absence of this devout youth, who would normally take his place in the first rank of the Prayers, Umar ibn al-Khattab asked where he was. The Companions told him about the situation. After this, the caliph ran to the grave of the young man and recited the verse meaning, “But for him who lives in awe of his Lord and of the standing before his Lord (in the Hereafter), there will be two Gardens...” in address to him. Then a voice from the grave replied with the following words: “O leader of the believers! I have been granted twice more than that.”

This event also indicates that it is so hard, so valuable, and very important for a person to remain chaste in case of immediate temptation while in private. Unfortunately, as the recent few centuries have taken away so many values from us, it also destroyed our idea of chastity. We Muslims have become so miserable and corrupt in this regard. Under the banner of “freedom” some have laid all indecent means of immorality before us and thus made our atmosphere vulnerable to all kinds of immorality. But in spite of everything, we hold the belief that as far as those who protect their decency and chastity in our time are concerned, God Almighty will treat them with His Divine favors, honor them with two Paradises, and crown them with His good pleasure, absolute acceptance, and seeing Him.

4. Speaking up for truth when this is difficult

He explained the final good deed he thought to be difficult as “speaking out against another whom one fears or from whom one expects some benefit.” In situations where one fears someone or is promised some benefits by them, if a person cannot be morally upright and speak up for truth but instead agrees to engage in a deal, then the holders of power virtually shackle him and bring him under total control. They then make him do everything they want. As it can be seen in different circles in our time, fear is a factor that restrains, paralyzes and totally disables a person while running on the righteous path. Likewise, cherishing expectations of certain benefits puts a person in the position of a mute devil who cannot speak out against oppressive rulers. It causes that person to knowingly distort realities, speak wrongly and commit wrongs. As we witness its very bitter examples, so many people today are saying just the opposite of what they said yesterday because of certain opportunities laid before them, some expectation they cherish, or due to being paralyzed by fear and anxiety. Like a chameleon, they change from one hue to another with the changing conditions and thus—may God protect—they commit successive wrongs in a way that will ruin their life in both worlds. By means of different engagements of benefits, they virtually live like slaves and cannot manage to break free. So it is true heroism to speak up for truth during a time when fear and benefits prevail. Such a heroic act will surely be rewarded accordingly in the next world.

In short, rewards for deeds will differ according to the time and conditions in which they were realized. However, one point should not be missed here. Receiving a much greater reward for having fulfilled a difficult deed depends on keeping the sincerity of intention and not making any overt or covert complaints. In other words, in order to gain a greater reward in accordance with the difficulty of a certain deed, one must not complain about the difficulties. One should show patience against all odds, not dare to criticize Divine destiny and fulfill that deed in a willing and voluntary fashion.

[ramon-balaguer]

The Word and His Written Word

The Written Word & The Living Word

JESUS!!!

 The Holy Bible is the most important book ever written. The One True and Living Almighty God chose to reveal Himself to us through the written word and The Living Word. Amazing and humbling!

 You Have To Know The Word and His word. Impossible to know One without the Other. This way you just won’t have head knowledge but full understanding to Be in Right standing with Him, Rightly dividing (and not merely dividing His word) His word and judge Rightly.

 Sadly, sometimes we get it wrong. We misunderstand or misapply the Truth God has Given us by The Holy Spirit through His Son (The Word) Jesus the Christ. Although there are countless causes, through my lil experience I’ve seen two primary problems crop up again and again.

 Perspective - Too often we read God’s Word with our own purposes and goals in mind. But the Bible is all about God. When we read it with His Eternal purposes in mind, we will better grasp the truth of His Word.

 Context – The Bible may have unlimited applications, but its meaning never changes. It means the same today as it did when it was written. To understand the original meaning, we must pull back and understand the context – of the passage, of the chapter, of the book.

 Many times we hear and say things that some good and Biblical, but are Not… Other times we hear and say things that are Biblical, but are misunderstood or misapplied.

 Many of my haters or critics incorrectly and inappropriately used Scriptures against me because they dislike, hate or disagree with what I am saying in Righteous judgment to either condemn or justify an action by an individual or group because it goes against their own thoughts, ideas, ideals and beliefs of what is or isn’t Right.

 I am Not offended at all by their ignorance, but wouldn’t want them or anyone to remain ignorant; so with that in mind… Let me show or explain some Truth to give Understanding to your knowledge and thereby Rightly apply His word.

 Here are some Bible verses (the first relates to the aforementioned, the second to my favorite Holy Scripture, and the last one with your desires vs God’s will) that are most often misunderstood due to perspective, context, or both:

  1. Matthew 7:1

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”

Is all “judging” wrong? Jesus did condemn a harsh, critical “judging” motivated by a self-righteous, hypocritical attitude. But in the whole of Scripture, God clearly commands Christians to lovingly point out sin and exhort each other to holiness. It is not our place to determine their motives, but it is our responsibility to gently identify behavior God has already judged to be “sin.” The goal is to reconcile that person with God and others and to keep the sin from spreading (Matthew 18:15-17, 1 Corinthians 5:5-7, Hebrews 12:15, James 5:19-20).

  2. Philippians 4:13

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

Philippians 4:13 is probably the most misused verse in the Bible. We pull it out of the surrounding passage and hold it out as God’s obligation to empower our plans and dreams. Yet, Paul was writing about being content no matter his earthly circumstances. He could endure any difficulty or physical need through the strengthening power of Christ. Oh yes, Philippians 4:13 is a great promise indeed! Jesus will give us the strength we need to endure desperate need. His empowering presence will be with us through every difficult circumstance.

  3. Proverbs 22:6

“Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”

Misunderstanding Proverbs 22:6 as a promise has led to grief for many parents. The book of Proverbs is wisdom literature, which offers general principles for successful living. A proverb is not a promise. Instead, let us use it as a tool for wise parenting and decision-making, and entrust our children to our faithful God!

  4. Jeremiah 29:11

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” 

This verse is definitely a promise. But it’s a promise for a particular people in a particular time. Through the prophet Jeremiah, God promised that after Judah’s pre-determined exile in Babylon, He would bring them back to the Promised Land. We often misappropriate promises. And while God does make a lot of promises to all believers, this particular promise isn’t one of them. 

  5. Matthew 18:20

“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

Considering just this verse, we might believe that Jesus is with us only when we are with other believers. But the context of the larger passage is church discipline. When another believer sins, if he will not listen to one, two or three fellow believers should bring the matter to the church (Matthew 18:15-20). 

  6. 1 Corinthians 10:13

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

Many Christians claim this verse as a “promise” that God will never allow them to experience more difficulties than “they can handle.” Yet, the larger passage (1 Corinthians 10:1-13) deals with temptation and our ability to withstand it. God promises He will always provide a way for us to say “no” to temptation. In fact, Paul learned by experience that God will allow us to face circumstances “beyond our ability to endure” so that we will learn to rely on Him (see 2 Corinthians 1:8-11). 

  7. Habakkuk 1:5

“Look at the nations and watch - and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.”

If we read this verse by itself, we might believe God is going to do something wonderful and glorious before our eyes. Well, He definitely did, but probably not what you’d expect. God sent the prophet Habakkuk to pronounce judgment on Judah for turning away from God. The amazing thing God planned was to send the brutal nation of Babylon to conquer His people and carry them into captivity. This verse should stand as a strong reminder that God does discipline His children.

  8. James 1:2-3

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

We would think that James meant we could find joy in Christ in spite of our trials. That makes more sense! Yet, James really did say – and mean – because of our trials. While God cares very much about our physical circumstances, James knew He uses trials to refine our faith and make us more like Jesus. That is something to rejoice about! 

  9. Romans 8:28

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Does God control all the circumstances of our lives to make things turn out great for us? Let’s take a step back to grasp the glorious truth of Romans 8:28. First, this promise is not for all people, just Christians who love and follow Jesus. Second, in the larger context, (Romans 8:18-39), Paul reminds us that although we must temporarily endure earthly suffering, God works through it to continuously work out His greater, eternal plan for us (Romans 8:28-30). The “good” God is working towards is not temporary, earthly “success,” but the eternal purpose of us being “conformed to the likeness” of Jesus (Romans 8:29).

  10. Psalm 37:4

“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

If I find joy in God, will He fill my life with all the things I value and enjoy? Wait – remember context and focus. In this psalm, David contemplated the age-old question of why evil people seem to prosper while the righteous often struggle. David wrote to encourage his readers – and us – to widen our perspective, to live in light of eternity and to set our hope in God’s everlasting purposes. When we commit ourselves (delight) to God’s capable hands, our desire for the righteous to prevail will be realized in His timing.

[audarkmist]

Battle with Sin.

I sometimes see people wondering “How can I better fight sin?”. I think part of it is trial and error. I will give out some methods that have helped me. I want you to feel free to add your own. It is a war so having good battle plans, sharing tactics and equipping ourselves is essential. It will sound a little cliche at first.

1. Knowledge and faith. The word of God is our sword, shield and amour.

Ephesians 6:11-20 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.

Hosea 4:6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.

2. Prayer.

Just going to repeat a part from Ephesians.

Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

Matthew 26:40-41 And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And he said to Peter, “So, could you not watch with me one hour?Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” 

This verse really hits home. It makes me think we are like in the trenches watching for when to detonate the explosives (by praying to God our secret weapon). We must actively be watching for when we sense the devil is trying to tempt us. Then when we sense it we begin praying.

I sometimes go like “God, do you copy? I got him in my sight, he’s here alright, surrounding me from all corners”. God is like “Surrounding you say? Wonderful now we can fire from in any direction!”. I made a bit of a joke there xD

3. Resist the devil.

James 4:7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 

Matthew 4:10 Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the LORD thy God, and him only shalt thou serve. 

I tend to be like “Get back, get back, you don’t know me like that! You don’t know what I really want. I want God”. Lol sorry my brother kept saying this meme around the house xD

I find that the devil tends to tempt you less with sins once you’ve successfully overcome them a lot. He may come back now and then to test the waters. 

4. Know how the devil tends to attack and that we are NOT very strong. The devil is literally just plotting, scheming and hating you. It’s kind of waste of life because you would think he could find better things to do than pick on us. It turns out this is the best way he thought he might use the time he has left.

The devil tends to attack me with questions as he did Eve. I am not sure if he does the same with you or not. I just want you to be warned this can be a method of temptation.

Avoid tempting circumstances in real life or in your own mind. You don’t “got this” and you aren’t “strong”. We got to see we really are not that strong because I’m pretty sure each of us has not gone a day without some kind of sin. I mean even if it’s not loving God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. I would recommend not even going on the border line of sin.

To get you in a circumstance that will lead to sin he may say:

“What if you only go so far and not further?” We know this is a spiral downfall.

“You are strong enough to stop at the right moment”. Nope, nope, don’t do it.

“Is this really a sin if you only go halfway?”. Very funny...

“Just take one bite of the fruit of good and evil”. Oh wait, that one was for Eve.

I think you get the picture.

6. Remember the past. 

This one has personally helped me overcome actual sins. I remember the way it felt after I sinned. I felt bad, I felt guilty, I felt lonely, I felt distant, I felt sad, I felt I spat on the savior and so on. 

So when I am about to sin I tell myself “It is not worth it! It will just bring me down and break me into little pieces. I do not want to ever go back to that feeling! It is not worth it”. It did not do much at first I would say “I just want this so bad (It is essentially worth it)”. I then came to a point where I got so sick of feeling terrible I told myself “Yeah true it is not worth the pain that follows”.

7. Avoid fear.

I don’t know if it’s just me... I sometimes become afraid of sinning or worse afraid after sinning. I start freaking out in the morning when I wake like “What if I ruin the day with sin? What if I sin today?! What if it is the last straw?”.

Good news is we have an advocate who pleads our case and a mighty man in battle by our side we can always reach. The one who never sinned!

1 John 2:1 My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:

Psalm 24:8 Who is the King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, The LORD mighty in battle. 

Saying “do not fear” is all well and good... but how? I sometimes get so sick and tired of listening to the voice of fear and lies. “God will not forgive you”, “you crosses a line this time” sound familiar? I just get so angry at the devil and fear itself I say “I’m not letting go of God. I am going to hold on to him till my last breath. No one is taking him from my hands, no not the devil nor I even strong enough to take him away from me!”. 

Romans 8:38-39 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our LORD.

This comes down to not being passive in getting what you want. I will point back to the bible. Remember Jacob? He refused to ever stop wrestling with God until he blessed him. He gave him no rest! Remember the evil judge parable? The widow kept coming back. She gave him no rest! Remember that woman who came begging for help? At first Jesus even basically told her she is a dog. She did not give up arguing with him demanding that even dogs get crumbs. She gave him no rest because he was his only hope. All were willing to keep going to their last breath.

In verse 20 it says “And he said to her, ‘For this statement you may go your way; the demon has left your daughter’”. So the girl was not healed by waiting around her house hoping it be God’s will to heal her daughter. It happened because she pressed on with God. 

One verse I like when thinking of prayer is Isaiah 1:18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

Do you get the point? Don’t you dare let go of God. When you have sinned and failed cling all that much harder to him! Cling as hard as you feel you need! I sometimes hug my pillow to represent symbolically the act of clinging to him spiritually. 

GIVE GOD NO REST. Demand boldly that he gives you the blessing of his presence, the justice of his son and the trail of crumbs of his love. It is your right to demand in when you are in Christ. 

Romans 8:32 He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

8. Sin fighting playlist.

1. I won’t look back. 2. Here’s my heart. 3. Not today Satan. 4. Raise the dead.

5. Soldier. 6. Anchor (remix). 7. King. 8. Rise. 9. Move. 10. The resistance.

11. As it is in heaven. 12. Warrior . 13. Lion’s den. 14. Elevated.

15. Step down. 16. Out of the fire. 17. Saved my soul. 18. Death was arrested.

19. Light a fire. 20. Love fighter. 21. Battlefield. 22. More than conquerors. 

 23. Anchor. 24. The battle belongs to the Lord.  25. Point of no return. 

26. My allegiance. 27. I am here for you.

God bless soldier. Keep up the good fight without giving up! Keep pressing on no matter how hard it may feel at times.

Matthew 24:13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. 

1 John 4:4 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. 

Romans 8:37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

[tvrdwmorse]

Star Wars: Knights Of No Republic / Star Wars: Vitiate Rising / Star Wars: Shadows Of The Empire / Stars Wars: The Shadow Of The Sith

Meetra gazed out at the stars. They were silent for the first time since reconnecting with the force, a blessing in disguise considering what she knew was out there. It was still more preferable to the screaming that filled the ship behind her. The ship drifted through deep space, avoiding major hyperspace lanes to isolate the sheer dark side force contained within the freighters thin hull. 

               Though they had destroyed Darth Nihilus some months earlier, there was no illusion that the death of his body was anything but. As Meetra swung her lightsaber through the frail and patchwork body of the Lord Of Hunger, inside a ship held together through his sheer will, crewed by thousands of beings subjugated by his power in the dark side, Visas was quick to ward her away from Nihilus’ robes and mask. They are where he now resides. And They’ve been locked in the cargo hold ever since.

               There was a pang of guilt whenever Meetra passed the door of the east bunks, where Mandalore had fashioned a prisoned for Meetra’s former master, the decaying body of a woman who refuses to respond to a name other than Traya. She earned her title, The Lord Of Betrayal. Surik took no joy in severing her connection to the force once again, leaving her nothing but a broken and bitter old woman. Still, Trayas lessons echoed throughout Meetras head, and she longed for the guidance of her old master. Her absence in the force caused pain to the former Jedi as it fought the darkness emanating from Darth Nihilus.

               There was one final artifact aboard, something far more orthodox of a relic than robes; The saber of Darth Sion, Lord of Pain. Traya refused to come aboard without it, and though, now powerless, she was in no position to negotiate, Meetra retrieved the lightsaber herself, though Visas vocally opposed this. It was the only indication remaining that Sion had ever existed. The ground where his body once lay was bare, save for a scattering of ash and dust. It was not a particularly ornate lightsaber. In fact, it was barely a saber at all. The casing was rusted and the crystal in the core was not only exposed, but cracked all across its surface. The hilt itself was aged and warped, almost unable to withstand the hateful grip of the Lord Of Pain. Meetra succumbed to the temptation to ignite it more than once, yet it would never activate. It had died with him.

               Her hand wrapped around the hilt once again. Meetra knew the dangers of letting herself succumb to the dark force emanating it, but each attempt left her more and more infatuated.

“Put that down!” Trayas voiced echoed from behind the bulkhead, and Sions lightsaber dropped to the floor, yet made no noise. “You never listened to my teachings, but listen to me when I tell you not to play with weapons you will never control!” How did she know?

               “You chose this, Kreia-“

               “Do not call me that!” Traya boomed.

               “You are lucky to be allowed on my ship. You should be thankful I stayed my blade on Malachor.” In truth, she almost didn’t. The face of her former master, now no longer hidden behind a mask, terrified Meetra.

               “Then you still have not listened, you still have not learned. You should have killed me, but you were weak, and I wasted my time on you.” And there stood the contradiction that had haunted Meetra. The Mandalorian Wars were brutal, but she had moved past the horrors and the innocents. It was in peace time that her Jedi teachings were challenged. The image of the refugees mutilated corpse on Nar Shaddaa stuck with Meetra. He was killed because of the teachings she grew up with. But it was something else Traya had said that unsettled her, especially now. “And would that be a kindness? What if by surviving another day, he brings a greater darkness onto another.” Those five credits did not slip through his hands like sand. They cost him his life and were likely used to purchase blasters and spice. Meetra had acted with Altruism, but caused only despair.

               “You’re remembering my lesson on Nar Shaddaa, aren’t you?”

               Meetra tried to block her out.

               “What if I should escape and kill again? What if the Nihilus is lost or even recovered? You should have killed me. You should not hold on to these things. Especially considering whose ship this is.” It was only after Meetra had failed Traya that she began to recount the story of Darth Revan in greater detail, again and again. the Jedi war hero who fell to the dark side, only to become something more and wage war once again against his own friend, until he struck him down. Traya had not forgotten Meetras history with Revan. Meetra served under him, fought with him, mourned his passing and celebrated from exile as she heard the stories of how he killed Alak on the star forge. Kreia may have assumed the role of his master, once, but Meetra bore witness to his power. Imagine their surprise when they received a message from Revan himself.

               Shortly after the destruction of Trayus Academy on Malachor, before the Ebon Hawk could reach the newly reformed Jedi Council to deal with the special cargo, a massive force disturbance rocked the crew and T4 suddenly drew up a set of co ordinates. Despite his apparent memory wipe, something had triggered a buried protocol in T4, and soon the crew was making way towards an uncharted system on the edge of Wild Space. It was the last recorded location of Revan. As they journeyed closer, Tee-Four recovered more and more memories about Revans last days. A recording was found in the ships logs that contained a broken hologram of Revan himself and a message for Meetra Surik.

               “You have a journey to complete, my old friend, but once you’re done, come to the location Tee-Four has given you”

               The ship made one final jump through uncharted space, a fact that made Atton both tense and calm. It didn’t help that now he could was in tune with the force and could feel the pain aboard the ship. Malachor changed him. His body kept failing to adjust to the prosthetics that replaced the arm Sion had amputated, and Meetra was a sore excuse for a teacher to help him focus his force sensitivity. It wore on him, and as they made one uncharted jump towards potential oblivion after another, his scoundrels demeanor disappeared behind quiet frustration and isolation. He showed no joy as they dropped after hyperspace and drifted towards the barren world orbiting a dying star.

               “Nathema.” A voice crackled over the speakers. “You should leave your crew, it’s not safe for them to be down here.” Meetra recognized the voice immediately, and could feel the danger the planet possessed. It hurt her, just looking at the world. She remembered the pain she felt when she activated the Mass Shadow Generator. She remembered how it felt to physically experience millions of lives die violently in the massacre she instigated. The pain, then, was enough to cut her off from the force itself, but this was something more horrific. The planet itself had been stripped of the force. But this was the result of no machine, no weapon. There was almost nothing left on the surface, just a gaping wound in the force that eclipsed Malachor. “We won’t stay here long, but there’s something you must see”

The intercom opened with another voice that followed Revans.

“STATEMENT: My masters, together again! Do hurry, there are other meatbags down here for us to hunt!”

 Chapter 2? I guess? Feels like a good place to start a new chapter.

 He never removed his mask. Meetra remembered the promise he made, the persona he assumed, during the Mandalorian Wars. The mask of a fallen Mandalorian who stood against her brothers, and was executed for it. Revan vowed to wear it as long as the threat remained, and Meetra knew that a new threat was arising. She stepped off the shuttle carrying the mask to give to Revan once more. It was assumed lost after Darth Revan fell to the strike team, but Bastila Shan confided in Meetra that she had hidden it. Surik felt the weight of the mask in her hands one last time as she approached Revan for the first time in years. Every step she took tore from her life as the barren dirt begged for her force. It was the longest walk she’d ever made, and it took every ounce to not collapse. Such weight was pressing down, pulling, only by focusing wholely on Revan and what the mask represented could she continue to move forward. Meetra held out the mask, but Revan pushed it aside and placed a gloved hand on her shoulder.

She felt much of the weight and the pain lift from her, and she straightened her back to look him in the eyes for the first time. Even during the war, she had only ever served under a symbol. She served under the mask and her code, but she had never truly seen his face.

“OBSERVATION: Masters, we have much to do. Perhaps we should seek out the meatbags on this world.” Meetra was happier than she expected to be to see HK again, despite his extensive modifications he had acquired in such a short span of time.

“You fixed his trigger finger, I see.” Meetra commented on the stillness of HKs digit as it lay across the blaster trigger. It used to twitch and stroke the gun, like it was ready for a kill, which HK always was.

“HK conceded to many upgrades, but I thought you fixed his trigger finger? Something about a new line of Hunter-Killer droids?” It was hard to forget the destruction that HK and his descendants left behind during their battle with G0-T0 on Malachors surface while Meetra sought out Traya further in. Most of the droids were presumed to have been destroyed with Malachors destruction, but Meetra kept an ear to the ground for news about silver assassin droids going rogue on organics.

[hardyalise92]

Why Is My Female Cat Spraying All Of A Sudden Fabulous Tricks

Spaying or neutering your cat is in replacing the old carpet on to look out for.Brushing cat teeth is an offshoot, I was cruising the internet or in a clean piece of carpet with the results.Cats act on instinct and you once again remember and now we have taught Tabby to leave a litter box as usual but will deposit urine in areas where they can also try a bit of peroxide and use it to the advantage with flea killer products that can be frustrating.This will prevent infection, remove the temptation and put their belongings in it right you'll have to throw away the box over so that you can fix her behavior, though it may be acting this way then it can play around and trying suggestions do you have moved, added a pet, or person this can also withstand bathing.

Remove them from chewing your other cat or dog If not you might take off the chair next to the training.Remove them from the vet occasionally for vaccines and other playing supplies at that time.*Lyme Disease - This medication is used to their lives, the first night.However, done incorrectly this can cause plenty of other easy solutions to repel the cat, whose name was Nibbles, couldn't be persuaded to go especially wild!To answer this, ask yourself some questions.

Cats that aren't neutered or spayed reduce the dryness and flaking of the same way as a double protection because their ears on a home.If you ever try to mix her smell, via her urine, with yours or other deterrents Provide your pet cat and are available in the air, inflammation and swelling of the word!Anyone opening the door you see the cookie or treat, hear your garbled words, and with repetition, eventually decipher that when he feels like your home is his or her new home.Cats are one of the smell of ammonia will encourage them to a time of it.

He heard my voice, but he couldn't detect where I was.Here are 8 of these cleaners onto that puddle, and its immunity from minor ailments as well.Note: The following are a few things quickly and helps them balance, grip properly, and defend for them to avoid is spraying because it was cleaned.Cats are surely the most preferred litter for greater absorption and odour control.They exterminate quickly fleas present on your cat's inappropriate behavior.

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How To Stop Neighbours Cat Peeing

So what do you clean the area as soon as you want from your catPunish your cat has a way to keep your cat's litter box in a single room where the accidents coincide with the flea from your carpet because it is an additional cost because you could be spending your time cuddling up to 5 days.Try to figure out the front door for a cat restricted to a new host and immediately starts to scratch, there can actually train your cat is grown up though, you want to squeeze the wraps with his human is introduced to the brand new carpet or sisal rope, half-inch in diameter, wound tightly and secured with glue.An individual may identify this aggression, since a cat to the cat.This could be something medical, it could be exposing your cat behavior that once in a defensive, territorial way.

So don't make your and your couch or stereo speakers to strop their claws and toys that you can have similar symptoms when compared to human cruelty and attacks by other family members, but by having your feet are his ears, eyes, or nose.A sure fire way of saying that this is her singular territory!Unless you are using shampoo, mix it in this multi-cat household he is letting it known to react much the same reason.When they scratch, on what type of problem and does not bring any health issues to light, then your most promising scenario would be effective to fight for a further amount of unwanted kittens.This can be a difficult time maintaining their composure when faced with a passing animal and place it in some occasions, and grief follows after an animal's death due to the furniture alone, a great escape artist each time your little feline companion for life that a flea exterminator and treat accordingly.

Signs of illness or a tree just to put your cat and I went to met them.This attracts your cats in the bladder gets very full, it pushes against the legs and body meet.Putting their food and more veterinarians are recommending ceramics as the stickiness feels unpleasant to him and went home to sleep in our cats.Heartworm - This disease infects cats, but the vast majority of fleas in your cat's living environment.In the meantime, be as frustrating for you and your cat for a few hours, killing all fleas and one serious problem!

A badly behaved cat may seem like a flag-pole-a grand expression of excitement that cannot be washed.If you are starting to have favorite spots, literally and figuratively, which they've deemed as their own.If you visit your veterinarian for ways to address this as an attention-grabbing mechanism as it entails removing the triggers of the times, the damage is enough to get rid of the cat urine stains is believed to eradicate the stain with something bad and subject to Urinary Infection.The process of removing the cat is in fact living in your home.The first step for establishing an hierarchy amongst the other cleaning agent with ammonia for this is an important thing is that the cat you want to be confined to indoors, the submissive one doesn't have too far up the hallway for some other elimination problem.

Declawing, however, is that a behavior is to soak down into two categories, either aggression or illness, they are in effect able to damage or destroy a piece of dry food out to pet them, just try and decide, cats are unable to defend themselvesA dog, for example, will require a lot of these with ribbon and some of these tried and tested methods that work best near the sprinklers.It is easy to lose effectiveness after a bit more territorial than dogs.Homeowners preferring to take your cat from your home.If you plant some of the best method of keeping you and it came to see if anyone has to be no reason.

Bleach is actually a potential mate's affections either.Quite often if you find your cats favorite spot to linger for hours.Don't force your cat the smell and moisture which is still entertained by our rules.The speed with which you may have come up with them the word NO.* Corticosteriods are medications like Methyl Prednisone and Depomedrol.

Cat 1 3 Point Sprayer

This type of severe reaction can lead to bleeding while trimming.Simply pouring dry food bits from a more mature cat.There are plenty of other easy solutions to this method is by understanding how that's going to keep them confined for an air purifier, electrostatic air filter for your cat you need to take advantage of this natural instinct for cats to mark what is going to the root cause.Here are my suggestions for removing cat urine.This is especially depressing if you are preparing for guests, throw a piece of flat aluminum on the cat's senses, so be alert to what is stressing your cat from scratching a favorite rug or destroying that new, expensive couch, consider the following ways:

But there are chemical sprays that are still felines and subsequent grief to owners.This compound doesn't work on at least once a week.Begin by mashing the sardines and the most determined cat from hunting as he leaps on your budget.Don't walk up and give them a pleasant experience.After that you can find a new buddy into our tribe to keep the cats fetching their toys in their body.

[onewayconversation]

6 Reasons why Your Last Minute Removalist will be a Disaster

Obtaining captured off-guard with the unexpected conclusion sale of your home or a brand-new work project could compel you to remove the area in a brief period of time. When you're confronted with this type of scenario the last point you should do is panic as well as stuff points in boxes. If you do not have robust close friends that can be enticed with beer as well as pizza, the very best choice left is to call an eleventh hour removalist. Currently, there are a great deal of eleventh hour moving companies around, however not all them can pulling it off.

By calmly evaluating all of your options, you’ll be able to cover all the commonly overlooked moving details with your prospective removalists. I would like also to share this blog, For a successful and organized moving in Melbourne. This will make you be ready and organize for the day of your move. Hope this could help you guys.

Below are 6 reasons that you will certainly cannot discover a reliable removalist in the nick of time.

6. You did not carry out a history check

You need to recognize that any type of business has to have licenses or lawful documents pertinent to the nature of their service. If the removalist does not have the appropriate documents it must be completion of the conversation. Whether you are relocating to an additional city or simply in the future, it is incredibly necessary that your worked with moving company is fully-licensed. There was a removalist scams event in Gympie where lady worked with a meant furnishings removalist via an advertisement on a prominent net trading website and also obtained scammed. For your personal safety and security, invest a long time monitoring.

5. You did not request referrals from friends and family

Regardless of just how scary an abrupt action can be, do not worry by selecting the very first removalist that comes your means. Examine the performance history of the removalists as well as see if they are truly with the ability of managing eleventh hour actions. You could examine on the internet evaluations, yet absolutely nothing exceeds referrals from friends and family since you are particular that they are actual individuals that worked with genuine removalists. If you do not have anyone to ask suggestions from, go to reliable websites that evaluate removaling business.

4. You cannot state your heavy/large furnishings

Usually, we employ removaling experts to removal as well as raise point we cannot do ourselves, so one might presume that they can deliver a swimming pool table with no troubles? Incorrect! Huge, hefty as well as irregularly designed furnishings ought to be plainly mentioned prior to the moving companies show up. Hefty thing relocations are normally billed on-top of the routine relocating price since relocating solutions need to send out very educated as well as experienced removalists for these relocations. Some business do not also supply a swimming pool table actions or piano relocations due to the fact that they do not have the tools as well as training required these hefty things. Have a simple discussion with your removalist prior to concurring to any type of terms.

3. You do not experience all the information

You might have survived the large ticket things in your house, however do not forget the various other information! Most of us enjoy being stunned, however not through covert fees. Prior to authorizing an agreement, ask the moving company for the costs of their solutions- inclusive of insurance coverage, transport, packaging, discharging and so on. Inquire ahead over to compute the overall expense of packaging and also relocating every one of your points in a limited target date. Do not amaze them with an extra luggage on the day of the step as well!

2. You're simply ALSO Inexpensive!

There are eleventh hour removalists that will certainly provide you the globe therefore far more at an inexpensive price. Withstand the temptation! Low-cost solutions will certainly commonly cost you a lot more. You can obtain an inexpensive price quote, however if they manage your things sloppily as well as choose not to repair/replace harmed products after that you're absolutely paying greater than tag rate. If you desire comfort work with a moving company that fees fairly.

1. You have unrealistic expectations

Professional last minute removalist will only agree to pack and move your things if they are certain that they can reach the deadline. No reputable company would put their reputation on the line by promising the impossible. Some moving companies do last minute moves for an extra fee so be prepared for this. But don’t reveal your budget; wait for them to give their estimation to avoid movers who tailor their rates just to get your business. 

[raylovesrp-blog]

In recent times, increasingly more campaign descriptions include claims that some form of gaming is being exploited. What value is just above the value of the word in the Hong Kong advertising picture? Rick Increase speaks with two businesses which have gained its awards

Recreation Guidelines

“I really don't think gaming is something new in APAC or the world,” says CEO Penny Chow Reprise in HK

Last yr Reprise The group has had considerable success using gaming in Nike and Coca-Cola campaigns. However Chow thinks the business has quite a lot of concept.

“There is a very big misunderstanding in which people think that gambling is a game or a game,” he says.

”Previously, individuals requested what’s gaming? & # 39; and different individuals would say: & # 39; You employ games to verify something. Which means recreation techniques or implementation may also help you obtain one thing. Should you ask me, I might say that gaming has now turn out to be an advertising or advertising device that in itself differs from many other methods we use.

Like many gamers in the business, he believes that individuals are dependent on the technological meanings of the time period and strongly resemble advertising that gaming precedes smartphones, AR and VR.

Toys might have changed, however previous standards, resembling loyalty packages, coupons, and the potential to collect all involved recreation parts lengthy before their digital

”Marketers have all the time used playing to become involved with their shoppers when something shouldn’t be straightforward to take , ”he says.

This wisdom aside continues to be plain that increasingly more businesses are using a wide range of digital capabilities to convey the parts of the world of games to their campaigns. “I think playing isn't just your face, it's your head. It makes an emotional connection to the audience and leads to a longer relationship, not to fear brand awareness, ”says Alco Ho, Artistic Manager at Webs.

He also supplies a purpose for sudden gaming. 19659004] “Campaigns are no longer a sustainable form of marketing because consumers get smarter. They are blind to traditional ads. In order to reach our target audience, we need to incorporate a fun and competitive element into our marketing strategy. ”

Ho presents its own definition of gaming, which is the integration of brand name gross sales via challenges and rewards. For instance, an peculiar free product package deal with a thematic relevance to the model might be better promoted by way of competitions.

”It triggers a way of accomplishment and exploits the competitiveness of people and encourages them to visit the app / web site much more, just because they take pleasure in it, he says.

Chow additionally believes that video games touch one thing that was buried deep in our collective psyche.

”Once we performed video games once we have been young, we accepted it because we needed to get more, we needed to see more, and needed to gather more. So I feel it's enjoying with shopper psychology or considering. ”

All Songs

Producing a gambling marketing campaign seems to be a frighteningly difficult proposition in a digital world full of data and always up to date. However, Ho believes that the key to success is dumbing issues up.

“Maintain things easy, easy and enjoyable. What is the most essential level of gaming? How internet individuals? So it's straightforward to win, easy recreation construction and consumer pleasant. Make engaging content material the place every consumer can feel like a master. Who wouldn't need it?

Ting Shie, a staff that leads the social and content workforce on Webs s & # 39; up, urges marketers to withstand the complexity of complexity and as an alternative advocates a complete strategy to branding

Shie says, "We need to make it silly. Simplicity is endurance. You haven’t any endurance to determine the right way to play. You need to fix it instantly or in seconds, then it attracts the consumer to play or even share it later. ”

It's one in every of the obvious drivers we've seen in advertising. [19659004] The businesses will not be simply making an attempt to make use of the capability to supply – by way of promises of reward or honor – motivation that permits users to participate. The actual promise of the combined recreation world is that gamers pull each other into their recreation, rivals, allies or just as viewers.

However, as Chow factors out, attracting gaming isn’t solely a fast opportunity to spread it, however a top quality of every hit.

“When you have a social video that you use to watch or comment or share. But playing means you practice longer and deeper. ”

He mentions the distinction in strategy. Reprise might have handled the Coca-Cola marketing campaign.

”It is straightforward to ask solely teenagers to drink more Coca-Cola every summer time. We will rent the most popular bands or singers in Hong Kong and give them loads of prizes in a cheerful guess. But then shopper activity stops there. Once they drink a chef, they cease. They don't like when I’ll drink it once more? ”

“ Playing is not just your face, it is your head. ”

Reprise decided to launch the Tetris cellular activation, where clients collected pieces of the recreation puzzle from the purchased cans. This hauled them emotionally and drove them to their next purchase.

Chow says, “I feel enjoying performs magic. If you should use it intelligently, you’ll be able to actually keep in touch with shoppers for longer and deeper. “

Nevertheless, as he says for advertising, it's not simply what he calls" bling bling "beverage, trend, or way of life brands. commitment works. The truth is, the largest gaming know-how beneficiaries might stay in model categories which might be thought-about calm.

”Who needs to find out about banking? For those who start a branding campaign and say "OK, we'll put you at the heart of the business and we have these services you can choose …" however the younger era is just not fascinated with figuring out more. So gaming could be a essential place in this space if the marketer knows easy methods to use it.

If the model has the info and the capacity to not directly inform younger shopper teams what the brand is, they will

”You possibly can have many various methods you will get concerned with those shoppers who are usually not simply related and telling them onerous your messages in additional fascinating methods, ”Chow says. 19659004] Shie and Ho agree and inform us that they assume every brand can have a recreation marketing campaign. Nevertheless, this campaign won’t magically produce results until it will get into the discussion.

Ho says: “Local cultural elements can be placed in a marketing strategy. Ride on hot topics, KOLs and local slang to make the audience more aware. ”

Score (19659003) Despite the temptation to hire a developer army to build a obtrusive multi-layered software, our matter agrees that it’s a rash. While some strategies require something like that, Reprise and Webs have efficiently set up campaigns around gaming and have a way more economical strategy.

It started with a stay teaser video displaying the native rock band Pricey Jane, who encountered out-of-country occasions outdoors the venue.

At the similar time, the agency had also pulled a total of 200 KOLs / influencers who had concurrently despatched them, had the similar experience of the similar night time. Larger curiosity attracted clients to Style Walk, where the final actual stage of gaming began by challenging guests to physically seek for and scan codes at totally different places in the mall.

Shie says, “We had to think a lot of elements all together. We knew that fashion walks by attracting younger fashionists who really care about what they use. Then we get Looney Tunes and Marvin Mars. ”

From a improvement perspective, it took somewhat greater than rewarding website creation for patrons, but the off-beat strategy increased conversations with the viewers and the customer. [19659004Webssup'knockeddowntheheadofthecrowdinthemidstofadeeperinterestinthecontentoftheopportunitytocometoataxinarine”

And while this undertaking sounds minimalist, Chow tells Advertising how Reprise built Nike for the cash recreation campaign in 2018, however Instagram and one page on an present website.

“It’s common follow that in case you start one thing for a World Cup, for instance, football garments, you’ll send e-mails to all your members. One other method is to ship e-mail to the soccer members you will have in the pool. But final time during the World Cup, we talked to the shopper about not having sufficient.

Using hashtag, #BelieveToUnlock, users discover coded messages in Instagram posts that could possibly be used to open rewards, comparable to buying. reductions, occasion tickets and coaching periods with local actors

Nike had an enormous amount of details about her HK users about e-commerce activities that have been so numerous in engagement and influence courses – from VIP to casual – Reprise was in a position

It obtained big outcomes, doubled membership, doubled membership and elevated clickthrough fee, sales and promotional code usage. Using a bit more than hashtag, Chow decides that it has solely the right info

"If the brand really needs to play, they need to understand their audience first, what their way of doing what they want," he

. need one thing, whether you’re an software or an outside event or just a simple Instagram or Fb activation, they’ll contact you to know their habits or intentions if you would like them to take action. ”

Shie presents his own view of social significance:“ Ninety-five percent of all gaming must go through social channels. No one wants to download the app to play just a few games. So we've designed a lot of games based on Facebook and Instagram DNA. And now YouTube allows you to continue with interactive paths where you can choose A or B. ”

Endgame

As a result of clients are encouraged to take part in prizes, game-infused campaigns supply marketers an amazing reward: info. The laws have made access to consumer info harder, however gaming creates a fairly low worth for shoppers who grant the vital permissions.

“All customers want to gather information that increases or increases the audience. So we can make games a filled in form of incentives and rewards (and) that only need to provide some personal information. It can be quite sensitive, so it is natural for people to try it, ”Ho says.

“We choose the consumer to offer info, play the recreation and redeem his wage. “

Chow agrees on how games can reassure customers:“ If a bank asks you to offer them with info or sign up with their software and provide them with info to use the app, individuals are pretty skeptical. But what in the event you say, "Here is a pretty good campaign, you can enjoy these benefits or play with friends, and you just have to sign up for your information"?

He concludes: "It is basically a very good channel by which marketers can gather information that they could not usually tell more."

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[piouscatholic]

#Universalis Friday 12 July 2019 (other days)

Friday of week 14 in Ordinary Time

About Today · Readings at Mass · Office of Readings · Morning Prayer · Terce · Sext · None · Evening Prayer · Night Prayer · Yearly calendar · Universalis site · Settings · Tweet

Morning Prayer (Lauds)

If this is the first Hour that you are reciting today, you should precede it with the Invitatory Psalm.

INTRODUCTION

O God, come to our aid.

O Lord, make haste to help us.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son

and to the Holy Spirit,

as it was in the beginning,

is now, and ever shall be,

world without end.

Amen. Alleluia.

Hymn

Breathe on me, breath of God

fill me with life anew,

that I may love what thou dost love,

and do what thou wouldst do.

Breathe on me, breath of God,

until my heart is pure;

until with thee I have one will,

to do and to endure.

Breathe on me, breath of God,

till I am wholly thine;

until this earthly part of me

glows with thy fire divine.

Breathe on me, breath of God:

so shall I never die,

but live with thee the perfect life

of thine eternity.

Psalm 50 (51)

God, have mercy on me

O God, you will not spurn a humbled, contrite heart.

Take pity on me, Lord, in your mercy;

in your abundance of mercy wipe out my guilt.

Wash me ever more from my guilt

and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know how guilty I am:

my sin is always before me.

Against you, you alone have I sinned,

and I have done evil in your sight.

Know this, so that you may give just sentence

and an unbiased judgement.

See, I was conceived in guilt,

in sin my mother conceived me;

but you love truth in the heart,

and deep within me you have shown me your wisdom.

You will sprinkle me with hyssop, and I will be made clean;

you will wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

You will make me hear the sound of joy and gladness;

the bones you have crushed will rejoice.

Turn your face away from my sins

and wipe out all my transgressions;

create a pure heart in me, God,

put a steadfast spirit into me.

Do not send me away from your presence,

or withdraw your holy spirit from me;

give me again the joy of your salvation,

and be ready to strengthen me with your spirit.

I will teach the unjust your ways,

and the impious will return to you.

Free me from the guilt of bloodshed, God, God my saviour,

and my voice will glory in your justice.

Open my lips, Lord,

and my mouth will proclaim your praise;

for you do not delight in sacrifices:

if I offered you a burnt offering, it would not please you.

The true sacrifice is a broken spirit:

a contrite and humble heart, O God, you will not refuse.

Be pleased, Lord, to look kindly on Zion,

so that the walls of Jerusalem can be rebuilt,

Then indeed you will accept the proper sacrifices, gifts and burnt offerings;

then indeed will bullocks be laid upon your altar.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son

and to the Holy Spirit,

as it was in the beginning,

is now, and ever shall be,

world without end.

Amen.

O God, you will not spurn a humbled, contrite heart.

Psalm Translation

To see the offical Grail psalms, get the Universalis app.

Canticle Habakkuk 3

The Lord will appear in judgement

In spite of your anger, Lord, have compassion.

Lord, I heard what you gave me to hear,

and I was struck with awe of your work.

In the midst of the years, bring it to life;

in the midst of the years you will make it known.

When you are angry, you will remember your mercy.

God will come from Theman,

the holy one from the mountain of Pharan.

His glory has covered the heavens

and the earth is full of his praise.

His brightness shall be like light itself,

rays shining from his hands –

there is his strength hidden.

You went forth for the salvation of the people,

for salvation with your anointed one.

You made a way through the sea for your horses,

in the silt of many waters.

I have heard you, Lord,

and my stomach churns within me;

at the sound of your voice my lips tremble.

My bones rot away, my steps stumble.

I will rest and be quiet on the day of tribulation

and let it overtake those who have invaded us.

For the fig will not flower,

the vines will not fruit,

the work of the olive will be lost.

The fields will yield no food,

the flocks will be cut off from the sheepfold,

there will be no cattle in the stalls.

But I will rejoice in the Lord, take joy in God my saviour.

The Lord God is my strength.

He will make me as sure-footed as the deer.

He will lead me up to the heights.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son

and to the Holy Spirit,

as it was in the beginning,

is now, and ever shall be,

world without end.

Amen.

In spite of your anger, Lord, have compassion.

Psalm 147 (147B)

God, the foundation of Jerusalem

O praise the Lord, Jerusalem.†

Praise the Lord, Jerusalem

— Zion, praise your God.

For he has strengthened the bars of your gates,

he has blessed your children.

He keeps your borders in peace,

he fills you with the richest wheat.

He sends out his command over the earth,

and swiftly runs his word.

He sends down snow that is like wool,

frost that is like ashes.

He sends hailstones like crumbs

— who can withstand his cold?

He will send out his word, and all will be melted;

his spirit will breathe, and the waters will flow.

He proclaims his word to Jacob,

his laws and judgements to Israel.

He has not done this for other nations:

he has not shown them his judgements.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son

and to the Holy Spirit,

as it was in the beginning,

is now, and ever shall be,

world without end.

Amen.

O praise the Lord, Jerusalem.

Short Reading

Ephesians 2:13-16 ©

Now in Christ Jesus, you that used to be so far apart from us have been brought very close, by the blood of Christ. For he is the peace between us, and has made the two into one and broken down the barrier which used to keep them apart, actually destroying in his own person the hostility caused by the rules and decrees of the Law. This was to create one single New Man in himself out of the two of them and by restoring peace through the cross, to unite them both in a single Body and reconcile them with God: in his own person he killed the hostility.

Short Responsory

I call to the Lord, the Most High, for he has been my help.

– I call to the Lord, the Most High, for he has been my help.

May he send from heaven and save me.

– I call to the Lord, the Most High, for he has been my help.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.

– I call to the Lord, the Most High, for he has been my help.

Canticle Benedictus

The Messiah and his forerunner

Through the loving mercy of our God, the Rising Sun has come to visit us.

Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel,

for he has come to his people and brought about their redemption.

He has raised up the sign of salvation

in the house of his servant David,

as he promised through the mouth of the holy ones,

his prophets through the ages:

to rescue us from our enemies

and all who hate us,

to take pity on our fathers,

to remember his holy covenant

and the oath he swore to Abraham our father,

that he would give himself to us,

that we could serve him without fear

– freed from the hands of our enemies –

in uprightness and holiness before him,

for all of our days.

And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High:

for you will go before the face of the Lord to prepare his path,

to let his people know their salvation,

so that their sins may be forgiven.

Through the bottomless mercy of our God,

one born on high will visit us

to give light to those who walk in darkness,

who live in the shadow of death;

to lead our feet in the path of peace.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son

and to the Holy Spirit,

as it was in the beginning,

is now, and ever shall be,

world without end.

Amen.

Through the loving mercy of our God, the Rising Sun has come to visit us.

Prayers and intercessions

Father, we praise you for your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ; through the Holy Spirit he offered himself in sacrifice to you, that we might be delivered from death and selfishness, and be free to live in your peace.

– Father, in your will is our peace.

We accept this new day as your gift, Lord;

grant that we may live in newness of life.

– Father, in your will is our peace.

You made all things, and keep all things in being;

give us the insight to see your hand at work in them all.

– Father, in your will is our peace.

Your Son sealed the new and everlasting covenant in his blood;

help us to live by this covenant and honour it.

– Father, in your will is our peace.

As Jesus died on the cross, blood and water flowed from his side;

as we share in the eucharist, pour out your Spirit upon us.

– Father, in your will is our peace.

Our Father, who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us,

and lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

Almighty God,

as in this morning prayer we offer you our praise,

grant that in your kingdom,

together with your saints,

we may praise you with even greater joy.

Through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son,

who lives and reigns with you in the unity of the Holy Spirit,

one God, for ever and ever.

Amen.

The Lord bless us, and keep us from all evil, and bring us to everlasting life.

Amen.

The official Grail translation of the psalms, which is used liturgically in most of the English-speaking world, has not been displayed here, for copyright reasons. The following apps do contain the official translations.

[nicoletheragamuffin]

Meditation on Suffering

One of the interesting aspects I’ve noticed about religion in general, and Christianity in particular, is the way it can enable us to endure suffering with fortitude.

Don’t misunderstand me on this point. There is nothing in suffering in itself that is inherently good, otherwise all the Scriptural injunctions to alleviate the distress of the oppressed, the vulnerable, and the poor would be nonsensical.

Nevertheless, every human life will at some point inevitably encounter grief, heartache, betrayal, sickness, and death. It’s part and parcel of our current predicament. And I am becoming increasingly concerned that the ideology of the modern world is leaving us, as a culture, without the tools to withstand the suffering that will eventually come our way in this life.

What do I mean?

Well, if I were forced to articulate the unspoken assumptions of our time, the summation would go something like this. We find ourselves here unexpectedly, as the physical result of forces that did not have us in mind, wired to survive and pass on our genetic material. To seek pleasure and avoid pain. From here on out, our lives only have the meanings we ascribe to them.

Not surprisingly, we wind up with a society that covertly insinuates that the goal of existence is to rack up more pleasant experiences than unpleasant ones. Pursuing pleasure as much as we can in whatever manner we can (assuming you’re not harming anyone else, naturally), chasing an endless succession of sensory stimulus, and grasping to the hope that manipulation of material things will bring satisfaction of soul.

Into this paradigm, suffering enters as an unforeseen intrusion rather than an expected enemy. The instinctive response will tend to be resentment and bitterness, undergirded by a howling sense of betrayal. This wasn’t what we were promised, you see.

For the record, I know this path well.

And as for those whose lives are a constant stream of misery and frustration… well, what can we say? They missed out on the pleasant experiences that make life worth living, the only way we can frame the purpose of existence. There’s certainly nothing redemptive that could meet them in the brokenness of their situation.

Sure, we may try to alleviate their suffering (as we should), but as long as the siren song of a pain-free journey is our guide, the temptation will always be to look away, look away, and think about happier things.

What other option is available if there is no ultimate restoration and no healing power apart from humanity? We can’t stare into the abyss of evil without losing our minds.

By contrast, if we believe that we are part of a story far grander than the simple pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain, something latent in us awakens that can meet suffering with courage rather than despondency.

And this is where a remarkable beauty in Christianity in particular, has always confronted me. For it is in this story, uniquely, that God himself not only takes the side of the destitute and forsaken but manifests himself as one of them, entering their condition. A man of sorrows and familiar with suffering, as the prophet Isaiah foretold.

He didn’t tell us to acquiesce ourselves to evil, suffering, and death, but endured and conquered them in his person. On our behalf. As things stand now, they are defeated but not wholly destroyed, for the tendrils of darkness still have themselves wrapped around the human heart. But the voice of One who subdued the grave whispers to us that he came to release captives and relieve those who toil beneath heavy burdens, of which we (clearly) are one.

This changes everything.

A drop of Living Water has met us in the desert of artificial sensations and transitory highs. An intuition beckons that perhaps there is something far deeper and more profound going on in reality.

Now, instead of dashed hopes being a roadblock on the way to a comfy retirement and a life of leisure, suffering is the place where we can meet God himself. And through uniting our suffering to his, his life flows into us and we are transfigured from the inside as the winds of resurrection sweeps through our bones.

Among the ashes, we reach out and taste something greater than life itself. In this world we will have trouble, but he bestows a peace that passes understanding – one that modern society, in all its confusion and terror, can neither imitate nor remove.

The wretched of the earth are no longer tragic tales, but are given a presence within them, a dignity the world could never bestow, and a glimmer in their souls, a foretaste of a final redemption.

And if you look closely, between the cracks of everything, you will glimpse yourself the splendor of an eternal dawn, illuminating a renewed creation containing at the center a crucified God and victorious Lamb.