#and the realization that ill be stuck like this forever is a lot

[blue-lollipops-and-ice-clouds]

I am made of goo and should be treated as such

Slide me down an escalator like silly putty

[onlymimiwastaken]

Warrior Penelope stuff cause I've been listening to too many EPIC genderbent covers, and I wanted to give my take on it (also cuz I kinda want to draw it one day)

- Ares as Penelope's patron, absolutely! But Ares didn't have a huge cult in Sparta, although he wasn't hated. So my lore take version thing is that ATHENA wanted to be Penelope's patron (she had already an eye on Ody kinda) but Ares saw his chance, got to it first and became attached to Penelope without wanting to admit it, also because she saw the good and useful in him. Athena still watches over Penelope (especially after her and Ares platonically break up, which she finds really stupid) and is the one who does her best to protect Ithaca while she's gone. She's by Ody's side while he misses his wife and is mostly the reason why the Suitors hadn't taken over yet.

- To get Ares to realize his mistake, Athena tricks him into helping Telemachus defeat Antinous in Little Wolf because free bloodshed, only to end up sensitized by Telemachus because holy shit, my friend's son is here almost dying to this ASSHOLE who thinks he's so much stronger than MY friend the queen and even me like who tf does he think he is. Athena makes Ares fucking rational for once. And maybe even Aphrodite, as well, gets some damn sense in his mind like "they love each other like you and I and my girl is doing her best to get home you're going to apologize rn"

- ctimene holds a claymore double her height with no problems

- penelope is more "cold ruthless" than Odysseus, in a way that she's still poised (until the end or when she's really brought to her knees which is disturbing) while doing merciless stuff. She's emotionless a lot more (just on the surface)

- Ares was the one to give Penelope the idea of going to war instead of Odysseus, for obvious reasons. And Pen is really a mastermind among the Greeks ofc

- Ares and Pen fought in their My Goodbye version because she "held back her power while her friends got devoured" "she didn't even fight Polyphemus, didn't even TRY to kill him" "hid behind her wits to get things done". Because when fighting Polyphemus, she knew that if she tried to kill Polyphemus while he was asleep, they'd be stuck in that cave forever (like in the real Odyssey). And knew that fighting while her friends got killed would slow them down and probably get more people dead. And when they ran away, she didn't go back to kill the Cyclops even if she could've because of yes, mercy, but also because she would've awakened all the other Cyclops and sailing away was faster, better. Ares deemed this cowardice. Crazy thing, since one of the most important things to him is courage.

- Ares overstimates Penelope's power. Like, yes, she's exceptional, but still HUMAN. With her limits. He hasn't dealt with a human personally in years so he doesn't understand this, so his expectations are ridiculously high, which ends up breaking Penelope.

- During 600 strike, Penelope can actually breathe underwater and not hold her breath for such a long time and be fine because she's half naiad (yes, they are fresh water nymphs but still). Also this may make her even stronger around water (to a certain degree, she's still very mortal)

- calypso is pansexual

this is already a lot, ill add more when i think about it lol (also if i realize any of these ideas don't make sense)

[sunaluv]

A cute prompt! The moment they realized they want to spend the rest of their lives with you 🥺🥺 (Also hi hello new follower here i love ur works!!!! Hope ur having an awesome day stay safe and stay hydrated 🫶🫶🫶)

i got you

feat: ran, eren, shigaraki(🥹), gojo

RAN

ill be honest, it was probably during an argument.

he was absolutely smitten with you. that was probably why you too rarely fought. also, the two of you were too unbothered to draw out fights long.

so when it hit the 2-day mark and he hadn't seen or heard from you since you stormed out of the house, he became worried.

he had a lot of enemies and you knew that too. his mind kept him up at night if he didn't spend it combing the streets of japan looking for you.

the rest of bonten saw it too. he became more snappy with his colleagues (they had to calm mikey down before they fought fr), he went crazy and fired his secretary for some reason, mans was spiralling out of control.

his brother hated seeing him like this, so he helped look for you, contacting all your friends and family on your whereabouts.

eventually they found you, hiding in your friends' house (she's a real one and told them she didn't know where you were when they asked).

ran was an emotional wreck. over a girlllll.

honestly, rindou was shaking his head, but he knew his brother was in deep.

you talked things out and smoothed it over, and although you were a little pissy with him, you allowed him to hold you in his embrace, whispering gently apologies in between kisses to your hairline.

when you finally fell asleep in his arms, ran didn't want to let you go or sleep. he felt like you might disappear if he takes his eyes off you for a second.

that when it hit him how deeply in love he was with you, and he (along with everyone in the bonten building) realised you really do keep him sane and he can't imagine a life without you.

he promised that, if you stuck around long enough, he'll make sure you stay with him forever <3

EREN

best friends to lovers trope woop woop

okay so he realised this way before you two got together.

so one day, there was a big falling out in your friend group which caused a massive divide.

you, mikasa, sasha, and the eldia boys (reiner, bert) were all on one side. and eren, armin, jean connie and such were on the other side. yall were a big friend group too so the news travelled fast that you divided.

you and eren weren't the causation, but people had to pick sides which meant you were split up.

the divide couldn't have come at a worse time too because you were in that stage where you knew you had feelings for each other and were flirting and dancing around the fact that you wanted to be together.

now you couldn't be seen together by your friends unless you wanted to cause more drama (giving romeo and juliet).

he still had a strong desire to see you, so he often snuck around with you in the evening/night time, and it honestly was kinda romantic, though you wished you could hang out in the day too.

he took you out on 'dates' (referred to as 'friendly outings' bc feelings are complicated) and he drew them out as long as possible because he hated it when it was time to say goodbye. every time you left, he would count down the hours before he could see you again.

absence really does make the heart grow fonder because he had to control himself from gravitating towards you during the day and it hurt the both of you.

it was one random night where he couldn't fall asleep. he was just staring at the ceiling, replaying your whole date in his head and he didn't realise he started smiling a little.

with his head buried in the pillow, he sighed wanting nothing more than to be with you forever.

SHIGARAKI

you were the first and probably the only girl to show interest in him and honestly, the minute you did, he thought yall were locked in for life.

he thought relationships were purely meant to be transactional, so when he finally understood that you just wanted to be there for him because you truly cared and loved for him? he thought he was sick by the way his heart squeezed.

it took him a while to adjust, and you gave him all the time and space he needed because the last thing you wanted was for him to be overwhelmed.

he slowly became more comfortable with you helping him with things, once he learnt he didn't have to do everything solo whilst he was around.

he was changing for the better (not too much tho), he notices how much healthier he looked now that he was getting three proper meals a day, his skin felt hydrated and the desire to itch his skin off drastically lessened.

he felt like it was too good to be true and became paranoid that something bad was gonna happen like the heroes taking you away, or AFO manipulating you, like he did to him.

kurogiri felt proud of his young master for recalling the 'gentlemanly advice' he gave him as he watched the two of you converse on the loveseat in the quiet bar.

his league was empty, the bar was old and not bringing in enough money and he had a whole lot on his plate which was enough to make him hate everything.

but with you around, he could learn to hate things a little less <3

GOJO

manga spoilers

mans busted out the box and was craving your touch instantly!

the last conversation you had before he got sealed was him telling you he'll be back later, pecking your pout away before leaving.

little did you know you wouldn't see gojo for another 19 days.

he didn't have a lot of time before he had to go and fight sukuna, so he wanted to talk to you while his time was still guaranteed.

the reunition was hella emotional, he squeezed you so tight and let your tears soak his shirt.

he pulled your face back to meet his gaze, and you were surprised to see tears welling up in his eyes, but that was the least of your problems. you noticed him trying to get his words out and you were patient as he seemed to be finding the right words to say.

after lots of out of character stuttering, he blurted out "marry me."

you were shocked and he was scared he crossed the line when you went silent for a minute, but you very emotionally said yes on your apartment floor in your baggy sweats and t-shirt belonging to your now-fiancee.

although it was just under 3 weeks he was gone, it felt like an eternity without you, so he vowed that when he got out of the box, he was going to make sure you know he will always come back for you.

[biblicallyaccuratecrow]

isat thoughts: the bright flower (flower symbolism makes me mentally ill)

[woe, spoilers be upon ye!]

So, the bright flower visually resembles a pansy. Which feels innocuous until you realize. Pansies are symbols of remembrance. Because it sounds a lot like the French pansées, meaning thoughts. And in Old English, it was referred to as ‘heartease’ because it was thought that carrying one around would remind the person that they were loved, truly and wholeheartedly, by the one who gave it to them.

Now. I want you to let that sit for a sec.

Siffrin gives every party member a flower. It’s a gift, a way of showing that he cares about them. That he loves them. Isabeau says that he’ll treasure it forever.

Bonnie asks why, and then looks at it sadly.

Mirabelle says that she’ll press it in a book to keep it forever.

Odile says that it’s proof.

Siffrin doesn't know what it's proof of, but... of course, it's proof that he loves them. And more than that- that he won't forget them. Even if they forget him. Even if this all meant more to him than it did to them.

Then there's the people outside the party.

Euphrasie can't accept it. She is stuck, like Siffrin. She won't remember. Can't remember.

The King takes it. Instead of asking if Siffrin remembers like he usually does at the start of the battle, he asks if they will remember him. No matter what you say, the battle still happens. But if you say no, the King laughs, and says that he'll remember Siffrin after they're defeated.

The King knows, then, what it symbolizes. Even if Siffrin doesn't.

When you try to give the flower to Loop, they refuse it. They refuse it, again and again, turning it towards other members of the party, to those more deserving of it.

And when they finally take it...they act like nothing happened. But they took it. Quite literally accepted a reminder of love the only person who can care about them.

Do with that information what you will, but...

If you take the flower in Act 5, you can pluck it. If you keep it until after the King, siffrin will remark that it's still there.

If you look at it during act 6, however, you get this.

(You still have the flower.)

(...)

(You guess it's yours, now!)

It's yours now. You don't give it to any of the party members.

It's a reminder of love. Not for the party- they know, now, far better than they ever could have before. No, it's for Siffrin themself.

A way to remember that you are loved.

anyways insert disc 5 you are mad and i am in pain, your days are numbered /j

[badfanfictionaire]

It’s not unusual for a vampire to go their whole existence wishing to find someone to spend forever with.  They’ll probably have five or six lovers over their lifetime, until they inevitably got snuffed out by some happy-go-lucky monster hunter and perish like a pathetically mortal soul.  But, they’ll probably never find the one before that. Eddie’s never heard of a vampire meeting their soulmate, at least not in real life.  Lore would suggest that women swoon over vampire lords, and swear allegiance to them for as long as they both shall live.  But, lore would also have you believe that all vampires can turn into bats (which, bummer, they can’t), and that they’re all allergic to garlic (which again is untrue, garlic bread is delicious) (Why is it that only the shitty parts of lore are true, like the whole stake through the heart bit?). In Eddie’s experience, the minute you ask a girl if she wants to spend forever forever with you, she freaks the fuck out and takes off.  (Which, ouch??)

Needless to say, Eddie doesn’t even consider the possibility that he might meet his soulmate backstage at a talent show in some podunk town in Indiana.  Life gets boring as hell when you’ve been alive for six hundred some odd years, so, from time to time he liked to get creative with his human persona.  In 1980 he decided that with a buzzcut and ill-fitting clothes, he could probably still pass as a middle schooler, especially if Wayne told the school he’d been held back or something.  So he decides to try going back to school.  He kind of underestimated how different school was going to be in 1980 though, given that he hadn’t been in school since the 1960s.  Things had changed a lot, and he stuck out like a sore thumb.  

He met Christine Elizabeth Cunningham on September 12th, 1980, and he just knew he had to win her over some how.  By 1986, he’d realized that was going to be a lot harder than he’d anticipated…

But, in March of that year, he caught a break, Chrissy broke up with her long-time boyfriend and needed a shoulder to cry on.  And it just so happened he had not one but two leather-clad shoulders to offer.  And so, offer he did.  As luck would have it, having existed for six hundred-some-odd years finally paid off, because if there was one thing he’d become quite proficient at in his life it was being a good listener.  Tearfully she told him everything, from how controlling her mother was to how much of a moldy schnitzel Jason was. 

Somehow they ended up back at his place and got high, laying with their faces inches apart on his bed. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” 

She nods. 

“I’m a vampire,” he whispers.

She giggles. “Sure don’t look like one to me.”

“No? Not even with the pale skin and the whole dark aesthetic?” 

“No,” she says, making grabby hands at him, “You’re too squishy.” 

She scooches a bit closer and her hands land on his shoulders, “You listen to me, Eddie Munson, you are not a mean scary vampire like everyone says you are.  You’re just a big soft teddy bear who wears black and… well, you’re too hot to be a crusty old vampire anyway.”

His breath catches in his throat with the way her big blue eyes bore into his soul, but then she lets out another giggle and he can’t help but laugh too. 

Later, when they’re starting to sober up, he rolls over to face her again. 

“Can I tell you something serious?”

“Anything,” she says. 

“I really am a vampire.”

Her eyes rove over his face, and don’t see any hint of it being a joke. 

“Oh.” 

“Wanna see?” 

“See what?” she asks, her eyebrows furrowing together. 

“My, uh, crusty old vampire fangs?” 

Hesitantly she nods.  Maybe she’s expecting him to produce a pair of those flimsy imitation fangs they sell at Party City, but he knows she’s probably not expecting him to open his mouth and protract his fangs. 

“Holy shit,” she murmurs, her eyes wide.

“I’m sorry,” he says, immediately retracting them and regretting having frightened her.  She was just so disarming, he couldn’t help it.  He wanted her to know him, the real him, even if it meant they only had today. 

“What for?” 

“I’m a monster, Chrissy,” he says, feeling his face flush with embarrassment. 

“Hey, look at me,” she says, her tiny fingers pushing his chin back up so his eyes meet hers again, “You are not a monster, Eddie.  I mean, maybe in the literal sense, but, in all the other ways? I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who was less of a monster than you.”

“Sweetheart-”

“Whatever self-deprecating you’re going to say, I won’t hear it.”

“I shouldn’t have sprung that on you,” he says. 

Chrissy gives him a one-shoulder shrug. 

“You know, you’re not what I thought you’d be like,” she says softly. 

“Mean and scary? Not even with the fangs?” 

She nods, then, “I’m not scared, you know.” 

“You should be.” He brushes his thumb against her cheek. 

“Kiss me?” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Please,” she urges sweetly. 

And so he does, gently, tenderly, with every ounce of himself.  

“I’ve loved you since I first laid eyes on you,” he breathes when they separate for air, “Even back then-”

“Back then?”

“The middle school talent show,” he says, remembering it fondly. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember,” she replies, averting her eyes in shame.

“I wouldn’t remember me from back then either,” he assures her, “But, perchance, we could continue from here? Where we are now?”

“I’d like that,” she says, a contented smile replacing her frown. 

It’s much too soon to ask her to be his bride, or to ask for her to join him in the afterlife, but he knows deep down in his heart that one day she’ll agree to both propositions.  He’d wait another hundred years if he had to, as long as it meant he would finally have his soulmate by his side where she belonged.  Thankfully, it doesn’t take nearly that long for his dream to come true. 

In the year 1990, Edward James Munson and Christine Elizabeth Cunningham are united in both holy matrimony and the afterlife.  And so, the young man who once believed he was destined to wander the Earth alone forever, found he was no longer trapped in solitude.  Instead, hand in hand, he and his true love would navigate the world as one.  (Until, ya know, they inevitably got snuffed out by some happy-go-lucky monster hunter and perished like any other pathetic mortal souls.)

👻👻👻👻

(read on AO3)

[krokusplays]

On Yaoshi and Abundance

People often assume that Yaoshi, being the Aeon of Abundance, equals the Aeon of Life.

But there's a difference between life and abundance and they cannot be equated.

While Abundance is undeniably linked to life, its aim is to continually proliferate life without life ever vanishing or ceasing to exist.

Let me try to explain.

First of all, Yaoshi is also called the Aeon of Paradise.

Yaoshi wants to give everything and everyone "paradise". They want to rid everything of suffering and death. And how do they do that? By blessing everyone who prays and asks for Yaoshi's blessing and giving them immortality.

And to that "paradise" death is detrimental. Yaoshi saw death and that everything comes to an end and essentially couldn't stand that.

If no one and nothing ever died, everything would be fine, there'd be no suffering and pain anymore, it would be "paradise".

No one can escape death or suffering but Yaoshi made it their entire aim to attempt as such anyway.

Yaoshi wants to keep everyone and everything alive at any costs.

Yaoshi also doesn't seem to know or care that what they're doing is causing people such great pain(be it Mara, or simply having to live for so long, etc.).

That ties into Aeons being bound by their path, so even if Yaoshi realized they're the cause for a lot of pain, suffering and by extension death they wouldn't be able to stop it either way. They have no way of understanding that people see value in their life because suffering and death play a role in it.

Hanya says in her voiceline: "When one has forgotten the concept of death, life also becomes meaningless."

In the end, Abundance(technically all Aeons but this is only about Yaoshi) is utterly selfish.

They want everyone to keep living, free of the pains of death and illness regardless of the consequences. We see in the Simulated Universe just knowing that our body has limits(aka it being mortal) makes them talk to us in such a sympathetic way that it sounds like pity.

Yaoshi feels sorry for us, that we're bound by this life full of suffering, stuck in an existence that will inevitably end. And they wanna help. And the only way they know and can help is by gifting us immortality. An endless existence that according to them is bound to be free (of suffering), but incapable of understanding that we're not meant to live eternal lives, that we cannot handle such an existence(same goes for entire eco systems for example).

And even if they understood, they couldn't change their ways.

You could say that Yaoshi doesn't understand the cycle of life.

Something something "Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance [...] When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so, we are all connected in the great Circle of Life."

Considering Yaoshi to be the Aeon of Life would mean they understand that death is a natural part of life, that every living being has a lifespan and will eventually die. As the Aeon of Life, their path would strive towards a balance rather than just giving more and more without anything ceasing to exist, without anything ever dying.

The entire point of Abundance is, that it keeps giving. It never stops. Even when entire eco systems and civilizations crumble because of it just being too much and they cannot handle living forever, Abundance will still keep giving.

------

I hope this made some sense. Putting the concept into words is more difficult than I imagined.

[californiannostalgia]

Processing identity as a child abuse survivor

Recently I had a huge revelation. Come with me on this childhood trauma realization journey (if you want).

This post was written for those wavering on the 'was it abuse' question.

Fair warning, each of these revelations were a whammy. I recommend you keep in mind that these revelations will transform the way you see yourself and the world. This took me out of commission for hours at a time.

Revelation 1: Was I Abused?

Read this Tumblr post. Go down the list. Check the 'yes'es and 'maybe's.

'Was I abused' is a yes or no question. I need you to really think about this if your answer is 'kind of'. If you could be truly honest with yourself, what would your answer be?

For years I've gone to the logic of 'it wasn't that bad,' and 'at least the worst didn't happen,' or 'others have had it worse'. This is such a low bar. You deserve better than the bar your parents set for you. The socioeconomic circumstances and the normalization of violence in your living area? Yes, influential. But not a justification.

At the end of the day, the veracity of these statements don't even matter. It's a yes or no question: 'Am I a survivor of child abuse?'

It may take a really long time to truly process, and even then it might feel uncomfortable saying it like it's truth. I need you to know your truth is truth. It's a yes or no question.

Take a break. I recommend you don't progress further until you've processed Revelation 1.

(Shameless plug-in of my fandom blorbo interests: Rick Riordan's Trials of Apollo series really helped me with this first revelation. It made me feel seen and less alone. It may not be perfect, but I personally liked it!)

Revelation 2: What does this mean? (health-wise)

Listen to this Ted Talk by an expert (medical professional).

This is the part where I got angry and really fucking sad. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself be furious. Our life is not our fault and we're still stuck with this lot.

Genuinely this was such a shock for me to realize. The thing that has the biggest impact on my life is not my anxiety, depression, ptsd, insomnia, blood pressure, immune health, etc. The root cause of my physical and mental illnesses is Adverse Childhood Experiences.

ACE is more common than you'd think. Acknowledging that what happened to you was bad will be beneficial to humanity's survival in the long run. Like any illness, ACE can be fought at a societal level.

Take a break. I recommend you don't progress to the next revelation until you've processed Revelation 2.

Take your time to be angry and sad. Take forever. You never have to forgive your abuser, even if they change their behavior. The chance at a civil acquaintanceship you might be willing to extend to your parents doesn't require your forgiveness.

.

Revelation 3: Why is your therapist recommending you retell your life story?

This one is mostly for when you have steady access to a therapist. Here are some things I wish I'd known before seeking out therapy in the US.

(Is it shitty that you can't get therapy on your own terms when you're underage? Yes, it fucking is. To those of us who survived to adulthood: holy shit y'all. At 19 I felt like absolute fucking bullshit, like my brain was a burning ball of tangled barbed wire. It does feel absolutely shitty. But reaching 19 is an achievement.)

The thing is, I do or say a lot of things that I later come to think of as embarrassing, inappropriate, or in certain circumstances, potentially abusive. Genuine trigger reactions happen. I will always have to live with a piece of my parents in my head. But I don't want to do to another person what they did to me. Self-awareness is what separates me from my abusers.

What to do about this? Number 1: chill out. You're not gonna be your abuser. Humans are unique and imperfect. They have not replicated themselves in you. It's okay to make mistakes when you're talking or reacting. Your brain is fucked up. You can do something differently next time.

Number 2: read this article about Overthinking, Over-apologizing, Oversharing, and Overwhelmed as trauma responses.

Then read this article on how to deal with Unresolved Trauma.

Yeah. It be like that. Isn't it fucked up? Recognizing the four Os in my behavior helped me realize I'm not an antisocial asshole by default.

Unresolved trauma is the root cause for my behaviors that I think of as unhealthy. This revelation happened very recently for me. Before this point in time, I couldn't understand why I would want to recount traumatic events in therapy.

At this point in time, I have regular access to a therapist I'm okay with. Going over memories and deconstructing the blame system seems like a reasonable thing to try.

What happened to you as a child is not your fault. You're not the one who landed yourself in your life. You've been given an unfairly difficult situation to be responsible for. You did not create your coping mechanisms for shits and giggles.

So yeah. Number 3: figure out your life with the help of a therapist. Let's see where we are ten years later or something.

Nothing is easy and everything is confusing. Take a break, hydrate, eat, sleep, do something nice for yourself. Do something you like doing. Thanks for reading.

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

for funsies because i got covid AGAIN

quarantine is back because y/n got COVID. skeleton house chaos ensues. what happens in those 7 days?

Undertale Sans - He's the guardian of the main door lol. No one has the right to enter, except if they make him laugh with a very good knock-knock joke. Everyone failed. They're doomed to stay outside. No one really knows it's because you have Covid because Sans forgot to mention it lol. You are so confused when one of your best friends calls you to ask you if you're sequestrated by Sans.

Undertale Papyrus - He watched some video of the first confinement and assumed buying a lot of toilet paper was the thing to do. He got a bit confused but went to the store to buy their entire stock of toilet paper. Since he didn't know where to put it, he built a toilet paper fortress in the middle of your living room. You won't have to buy toilet paper ever again you think.

Underswap Sans - He caught it too, but has no symptoms, like most monsters. He is now going crazy inside his own home crawling on the floor because he can't stop thinking about going out. After a week, your house is a war field as Blue had to find new ways to make himself busy. He tried to cook, which he failed, he painted the walls again, but ran out of paint and screamed when he realized he couldn't go out to buy more, he took a soup bath just because he could... Yeah, never again.

Underswap Papyrus - He would not say he's glad you caught it, but look at that, you're stuck home for an entire week with him! He's going to cuddle with you on the couch all day. He doesn't care if he gets ill, at least that will give him another week with you. He's having the time of his life and he wants to live like this forever, watching Disney movies while hugging his S/O in the couch, with a big plaid and hot chocolate.

Underfell Sans - With the fever and you sleeping 20 hours a day, Red isn't sure you're still alive sometimes. So randomly during the days, he's going to poke your ribs with a broom to make sure you're not dead lol. You better show you're alive quick though or he's panicking and calling rescue services. It happened twice already lol. You woke up so confused to rescuers trying to prove your boyfriend you're actually ok.

Underfell Papyrus - You told him no one has to enter the house and it took it a bit too literally. He trapped the garden and the main road leading to your house to make sure no one got close. He caused three car accidents already and a Karen screamed at him because her kid stayed three hours hanging upside down to a branch of his tree. Edge doesn't care, he's protecting. No one will get in.

Horrortale Sans - He's embracing the golden retriever kind of life, following you everywhere in the house, sleeping at the back of your bed, staring into your soul when it's time to eat to make sure you're eating... You barely manage to keep him out of the bathroom lol. Yeah, Oak is a bit anxious about it and kinda thinks you're going to die or something. You keep telling him you're fine but he's not convinced.

Horrortale Papyrus - Your food tastes like hand sanitizer because he's washing everything with it, food included. You feel even more sick now. You're begging him to stop but he keeps telling you it's for your own good. Man... You just want McDonald's right now...

Swapfell Sans - He's using you as an excuse to not go to work with Toriel and he's so proud of him. You swear he's trying to make the quarantine longer because he really doesn't want to go again. He's a bit paranoid about you though. When you're coughing more than 5 seconds, he's running to make sure you're okay.

Swapfell Papyrus - He will call you nothing but "mutant pangolin" for the entire week and will call all your friends and family to tell them you have started your mutation and won't be able to join them for a week. You're going to have a lot of calls asking what the hell is happening to you. Your mother even thinks you're pregnant. Thanks Rus.

Fellswap Gold Sans - He's sleeping in a tent in the garden and refuses to get close to the house lol. You told him wearing an anti-radiation suit was too extreme, but he doesn't want you to contaminate him so he won't listen to you. Wine is maybe a bit paranoid about human viruses.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - You told him you will sadly not be able to cuddle him all week. He gives you the ultimate offended hurt kicked puppy look. He could never forgive you. He's sulking in his room for three days before daring to get down for food.

[pelorsdyke]

making a new pinned post to neaten up my fic links! my name is k, i love writing wlw ships, and ill be so real with you rn a lot of them are rarepairs. find me here on ao3. my tumblr fic tag is here, and I often post wip peeks for tag games.

some ships I’ve written once or twice include: spemily (pll), buffy x tara (btvs), jackienat (yellowjackets), donnajoey (the west wing), maggie x sophie (leverage), and wayhaught (wynonna earp). I also wrote a lot of ronance (stranger things) during the s4 era.

marjan marwani & nancy gillian (911 lone star):

who will come into my kitchen and be hungry for me (test kitchen au)

and love isn’t a fact, it’s a hunch at first. (paul helps marjan come to terms with her feelings for nancy)

and your keys, your ring of keys (marjan starts to realize some things about herself, with the help of an oc. lesbian marjan)

underneath your hands I become poetry (some celebratory sex after tommy announces nancy will take over as interim captain while she’s away. inspired by the bts pic where nancy appears to be wearing a name tag that says captain gillian)

your essence is the ink in the word forever (nancy has tattoos. marjan notices.)

so swing your hips and do a little dip (nancy, marjan, and tarlos go to a gay bar)

I will do my best to get it right (nancy and marjan’s first anniversary plans go awry)

I’m gonna love you for a long time (marjan’s lesbian flag hijab, but also just like. 1k words of established fluff)

I’ve been under scrutiny (you handle it beautifully) (marjan and nancy are actors on the firefighter show austin 126. nancy may have a tiny baby crush)

everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it (post-canon, nancy thinks about moving on. it’s kind of terrifying.)

speed queen marj versus the big tortoise (a coda to 5x01 wherein nancy & marjan continue their banter and kiss a little bit. a secret relationship fic)

lucy tara & kate whistler (ncis: hawai’i):

the room is empty, and the window is open (a spiderwoman lucy au, the tumblr tag for the series is here)

february, the thirteenth (kacy celebrates valentines day early, as per lucy’s way of handling holidays)

blue scooby-doo fruit snacks and unrequited love, probably (high school au kacy flirting)

sit down, breathe, and just listen (post-3.04, kacy talks about marriage and promises)

in response, your glorious laughter (a snapshot of a sweet married kacy early morning)

hear the desert wind roll by (kacy first meeting cowboy au, pwp)

one single thread of gold tied me to you (kai buys lucy a virtual meet-and-greet with her celebrity crush, kate whistler. it turns out they may be a little more familiar with each other than lucy’s remembering.)

hen wilson & karen wilson (911 abc):

I did think, let’s go about this slowly (karen and her instinct to let insecurity drive her decision-making.)

I wanna get stuck in your head (some soft henren fluff about parenting, flirting, and finding the time to talk to your wife.)

[luneariaa]

ᯓ★٠ ࣪⭑ UNWELL. ( claudio s. )

missin' claudio hours,, :") and been unwell for the past two days, so have written this out of boredom 💜

no warnings except for the possible grammatical errors + lovey nicknames + fluff so i hope you guys enjoy 💌 ‼

dividers by @/saradika-graphics !! 💫

It has been a relatively slow day so far-- or the past few days, dare you say. As for right now, you're still laying on bed with no plans being mentally made like you usually do, especially with the house chores since you feel as if you got no energy to spare; and it's still like around morning. Not that early, that is.

You somehow despised times like this, very much unbothered with your current posture, to which your legs are practically dangling by the edge of the bed and your head is not even on the pillow.

These past few days also have been undeniably exhausting, to say the least. But today, the feeling has become more evident than usual.

Not too long after and while you're still stuck within your own thoughts, Claudio stepped into your shared bedroom after doing something earlier-- presumably having prepared breakfast for the two of you like he always did. He's the best cook between the both of you, and you knew that well.

Something felt quite off, and he couldn't tell himself as to why just yet. Maybe it's because you would usually done something by now, or merely something akin to it. He doesn't have the heart to wake you earlier, knowing how peacefully you slept beside him, and all cuddled up.

The Italian exorcist adjusts your figure by placing them properly on the bed, before his hand landed upon your forehead, just in case if his instincts are correct. His slate blue eyes widened ever so slightly at the unexpected heat radiating off from it after.

A frown slowly forms upon his lips, but more so in a concerned manner, and you didn't even pay that much attention-- seemingly assumed that it's nothing too serious.

"Amore, you're burning up right now. Are you feeling alright?" He inquired gently, whilst checking your body temperature on some necessary parts; now letting you rest your head against his chest.

"Huh? Oh, now that you mentioned it.." You chuckled rather weakly and a bit unintentionally, nuzzling your face into the provided warmth of his hand that's apparently there. "I do, in fact, feel a little weird today with myself. Perhaps that might be the case."

He secretly detested to see you in this state of sickness-- it worries him a lot even if it's just something minor.

The frown remains, yet one of his hands are still on your face, caressing your cheek so, so lovingly tender. Despite it all, you could tell that he's deeply concerned by your current condition, even if it's not that all bad to you.

"I didn't even realize that I truly have fallen ill. I'm sorry for worrying you, caro."

His expression would instantly soften upon your words; sighing a bit, and a small smile is present after.

"You don't need to apologize for being sick, amore mio. It's never your fault; it's human nature after all, it's always bound to happen sometime."

"Besides, as your husband, I will happily and gratefully take on my responsibilities to take care of you forever, if I may and if fate allows us."

You didn't dare to deny his words at all, for all of them held the mere truth of his pure devotion towards you. It's making you feel all mushy and warm inside, and the sensations he's naturally giving you is almost too surreal to experience firsthand-- he always did it so flawlessly.

"But love, what about your work..?" You questioned him out of pure worry that you might have distracted him from doing something far more important, especially with his daily jobs. The hint of guilt is evident within your simple statement, and it saddens him deeply to hear you speak such words over your well-being.

But none of it mattered at this moment-- and he's sure of it. You are his top priority as his beloved wife; someone who's very much important to him. One that he cares and cherishes so much, more so than himself.

"Cuore mio, my works can always wait." He moves several strands of hair away from your face; his usual affectionate grin is present. "And I'm not going anywhere until you're fully healed and all better."

Any attempts of arguing with him would be very much futile, considering your current state of condition at this point. But eventually, your smile mirrors his own lovingly and understandingly, clearly appreciating his efforts.

Upon noticing the expression that you're giving him; Claudio couldn't help but to let a small endearing chuckle out of his lips, along with a forehead kiss being given out to you.

"Just stay here for a bit. I'll bring in some breakfast here that I've prepared earlier, so we can eat it together."

"Don't worry about the possible mess, or anything at all. I'll take care of everything, I promise you, tesoro mio."

@luneariaa. do not repost; reblogs are welcomed. all rights reserved.

[4acoffee]

A voice in the back of his head tells him that he's never cared before exactly how many words a girl says to him, and he promptly tells said voice to shut the fuck up.

pairing. bakugou x reader

word count. 2.8k words

genre & warnings. fluff, pining but he doesn't realize it, baku in some serious denial, swearing (lot's)

notes. jusus FUCKING christ. im SO glad to be done with this you have no idea. It's been in the works for like three months I'm so done with this fic. pls lemme know if u like it if this flops ill cry. also sorry i havn't posted in like forever im a loser i know.

Katsuki Bakugou does not have crushes.

Crushes, were for stupid schoolboys and stupid girls.

Like you.

Yea, — if anyone had a crush, it had to be you. That's why you only smiled at him when he was looking at you. It's why you never tried to make eye-contact with him during class. It's why you never talk to him outside of class, and always walk on the other side of the hallway, and laugh at shitty hair's lame jokes.

There's no way someone like him, would like anyone like you.

Raccoon eyes was an idiot for even putting such an absurd thought in his head.

And it all started because he ran out of those stupid pencils.

Which was those dumbass's fault too. That week, dunce face broke all his pencils trying to do a ghost summoning trick in class and begged him to let him borrow one of his pencils. Which was annoying, but not a big deal because he's Katsuki and he was always fucking prepared.

But then, raccoon eyes lost her shit at the ugly grape fuck during class, and accidentally dissolved her only pencil in a fit of rage. Which meant he lost another one to her.

And then that same week, shitty hair was testing out his strength in class on pencils, snapping them in half with and without his quirk, he lost five pencils to his useless antics.

So by the time Friday rolled around, he had just one mechanical pencil left to get him through the day. Which would have been fine, ��� if he didn't run out of lead right in the middle of fucking English class.

Now, he could have asked the teacher for a pencil, but she was this dusty, old hag, and Katsuki was known in his class for aggravating her to the point where her veins popped out on her face, and she would screech at him like a mad banshee. And Katsuki would rather pull out his own nails and stick them in his eyeballs like push-pins, than face the lecture she would no doubt give him if she found out he had come to class "unprepared".

So now, he was stuck, pissed off at everyone, multiple writing assignments to finish, a professor who never liked him, zero patience, and completely lacking in pencils.

Fuck his life.

And the day would have only gotten worse, if it wasn't for you.

He doesn't know how you knew that he needed a pencil. Then again, since you so clearly liked him, you must have been watching him all the time. You must have seen the miffed look on his face and noticed how he was furiously clicking his pencil for any lead.

Most people who didn't know him personally tended to steer clear of him for the most part. So needless to say, he was mildly surprised when small, quiet, you — tapped his desk with your little ink covered fingers.

You never spoke out much in class, and Katsuki only knew you as the voiceless girl who sat next to him in class and constantly kept at least one earbud in, drawing on your hands or doodling on the corner of your paper when the teacher was talking.

He figured it would be a miracle if you were even passing this class.

But when he turned to you with narrowed eyes, you held his gaze carefully, and held out a new pencil to him.

At first, he's less than pleased, ― Katsuki wasn't gonna just accept help from some random extra.

But you shook the pencil at him, urging him to take it, and he once again meets your eyes, ― long enough to realize that you had to be one of the prettiest girls he's ever met.

Brilliant, and mildly amused, your gaze held a sense of thinly veiled curiosity that peeked through the serene look on your face. There's a small smudge of blue ink on your forehead that pisses him off a little more for how much more endearing it makes you. You tilt your head and the sun peeking out from behind you makes the metal of your earrings flicker, catching his attention like a cat to a laser pointer ― the golden rays cast small shadows down the curve of your cheeks from your eyelashes and, and ―

― and he had been staring for way to long.

Scowling, he snatched the pencil out of your grasp and turned to his assignment, pretending to read the instructions. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw you curl over your own paper and get back to work.

For the rest of class, he stole small, fleeting glances at your focused form.

He decided that he absolutely hated the way your hair looked glossy and soft in the light filtering through the window. And the way you tapped your foot on the floor to the beat of whatever music you listened to, and the intricate designs you often drew on your hands, slightly smudged where your fingers held your own pencil.

The bell signaling the end of class snapped him out of his stupor and he angrily stood up, sending his chair back with the force and shoving papers in his bag.

He's half way down the hallway to his next class when he realizes he's still holding your pencil.

He stares down at it with a glare and considers throwing it in the trash for a second.

Your face pops in his head for a second, (rather rudely, and unnecessarily if he might add), and he grimaces before shoving it haphazardly somewhere behind him in his bag.

.

The next day, Bakugou stomps over to class, fully restocked with his own pencils.

He sits down in his usual seat and glances at you without thinking. You were reading the board at the front of the class, but you turned your head to him when you felt his gaze on you.

His slouching position immediately straightened at a backbreaking speed like a soldier at attention.

Instantly, he wanted to howitzer himself into the next dimension.

What was he so damn jumpy for??

He fixed you with a defensive glare, like his ears didn't feel so annoyingly hot, "What!? Hah? I don't need your stupid pencils today. " he bit out.

You squinted at him, and his annoyance only heightened when he noticed the way your lips twitched upwards in amusement.

Did you think he was fucking funny or something?

"Ah, ― ok." You replied.

He twitched in his seat as he watched you turn your attention away from him and to something on your phone.

That was it?

That was fucking it?

He accepts your help one time and suddenly you can't spare him more than a fucking two word reply?

A voice in the back of his head tells him that he's never cared before exactly how many words a girl says to him, and he promptly tells said voice to shut the fuck up.

He glowers for the rest of class and makes it a point to not even glance in your general direction.

This works more or less to his favor for a few days, until he starts seeing you show up around him and everywhere outside of his class.

The moment he sees your eyes turn in his direction in the hallways, he swivels his head away so fast he nearly gets whiplash from the force.

Your outside after school waiting for a ride, and his carefully neutral expression turns sour when you don't even look up from your phone when he walks stiffly in front of you.

He catches you make icy hot crack a smile with some stupid joke in the lunch line, and he almost combusts into a nuclear explosion on the spot when he sees you ruffle his hair affectionately. How, and why the fuck were you acting so familiar with that damn candy-cane bastard?

The annoying voice in his head from before prompts him to go and place himself between the two of you, ― a physical divider ― but he immediately brushes it off again. He chastises himself for even allowing such ridiculous thoughts to enter his head over a useless extra like you.

.

Unfortunately, Katsuki in time comes to find that you’re not as useless as you seem.

As raccoon-eyes eventually manages to drag you into their tight knit group of friends, he begrudgingly realizes that there is much more to you than just ink covered fingers and pretty eyes.

You're one of the top students at the school. Picking up things easily, you don't pay much attention in school because you prefer to and work better doing things in your own time. You, however, make a horrible teacher, and any attempts to tutor his so called friends in any subject, end in more jokes cracked than brains, and it's all too easy for you to dissolve into half giggles and smart remarks with them.

Your also, a little shit, he discovers, much to his chagrin.

"I still can't believe you go to bed at 8:30 like an old man."

The sly gleam of your eye when you join forces with his friends to tease him makes him want to slap his hands directly over your stupid eyes because he hates the way he's so automatically drawn to them.

And that stupid fucking twitch of your lips whenever he speaks to you. Like your trying to hold back a smile. Why the fuck do you do that. The fuck is wrong with you. Just smile like a normal person dammit.

So fucking distracting.

Especially when he starts bringing you new, colorful pens for you to draw with for when yours run out of ink. And the wipes he keeps stored in his bag for the teachers that kept threatening to email your parents if they saw you drawing on yourself during class.

God, you had to be the worst thing that's ever happened to him.

Which he swears up and down is the only thought running through his head as he sits next to you at the library with his chin in his hands.

Definitely nothing having to do with the fading sun weaving through your hair in strands of gold, or the plush of your lips when you bite into them distractedly.

And your godamn eyes. Calm, sweet little almond eyes, so, ― pretty.

(Seriously, when the fuck did he start using words like "pretty").

It takes him a second to sense that said eyes were now focused on him. Unwavering and almost downright pleased in a way that made his hands clam up and saliva build up in his mouth.

"Hey Bakugou, you in there?" You ask cheekily.

He bites back a snarl, "Fuck off, tiny."

You raise your hands in mock surrender. "Ok, Ok, ― just making sure we didn't lose you into the void, you were looking pretty intense there."

"Shuddup I was just thinking."

"About me?"

"No, what the fuck?!" He seethes, ignoring the librarian who sent him a stern look from her desk.

You snicker and he almost jolts out of his seat when you scoot your chair way too close to him.

You jostle his feet under the table and he kicked back impulsively. What he wasn't expecting, was for you to purposefully tangle your legs together, pulling yourself to the very edge of your seat.

Suddenly your face is right in front of his and he stiffens when you twist your fingers into the sleeve of his school uniform.

"Aw, you don't like me then?"

He absolutely hates the way he can hear the blood pumping into his ears.

"No, I fucking hate you. I can barely stand being around you." he bites out somehow.

He's taken back for a second from how fake the words sound even to himself.

"..."

"Oh."

Suddenly, you turn your eyes away from him and to your lap, lowering your eyebrows. Your lips fall into a deep pout that leaves him wanting to smush your cheeks together in his hands.

You look utterly crestfallen.

"That's kinda mean yunno." You say to him softly. "I really thought you liked me Bakugou."

He blinks at you in alarm.

He wasn't actually expecting you to take him seriously. You never do any other time. You knew there was hardly ever any real malice behind his words to his friends.

Right?

"It's ok if you don't, I understand. But, uh, I'm gonna go home now." You say quietly, without meeting his eyes.

Shit, ― he thought.

Did I, actually go too far?

You remove your fingers from his sleeve and make to grab your things to leave.

He panics, he couldn't let you go like this!

Frantically, he grabs your hand and pulls you close to him.

"The fuck are you talking about?! Are you really that stupid?"

You look at him sullenly and try to pull away. He doesn't let go, but stands up to keep you pushed against the table.

Katsuki is reeling at the feeling of your skin under his, but tries to keep himself focused on the situation.

"Of course I fucking like you, dumbass." He nearly growls without meeting your gaze.

"I always buy you shit and make you food don't I? You think I'd spend my money and time on ya' if I didn't like you." Katsuki grumbled.

He can't believe what he's about to say.

"Thoughtcha' already knew you were my favorite." He mutters.

He down at you and freezes on the spot.

You have the most shit-eating look he's ever seen in his life on your face, and he later swears left and right to himself that he spots the slightest flush spreading across your cheeks.

Your goddamn eyes are once again so fuckin bright and he can barely process anything else with the way you're smiling at him.

"Bakugou,―i'm your favorite?!" You blurt out.

"I knew it! I can't believe I got you to admit it!!" You said horribly happily.

Katsuki stares at you in disbelief. Was that all a fucking act?

Your positively glowing now and Katsuki wants nothing more than to slap himself for falling for your stupid tricks again. How fucking dare you use your goddamn face against him like that. You were just playing with his feelings at this point.

He's about to tear his hand off your arm in a fit of anger when you pause your giggling and suddenly grab him by the collar of his uniform and bring his ear right next to your lips.

"Yunno, ― your my favorite too ok? Don't forget that." You whisper conspiratorially.

Your breath on his skin makes him nearly tremble, and he just knows that you can feel how hot his face his when you press your lips to his cheek in a chaste kiss before pulling away to grab your things and disappear just as quickly.

Katsuki is sure that he probably looks like he just got hit by a train.

A dazed grin makes its way onto his face that he desperately tries to hold back, but fails as his fingers brush the spot where your lips just were.

All at once the feeling fades when his eyes meet the absolutely delighted looks of his friends from across the library.

They make all sorts of kissy faces and obscene gestures that has his face looking the same color as his ruby eyes.

He scowls deeply and turns to angrily make his way out of the library.

As he passes a window, he pauses when he catches sight of your figure walking across the campus.

Ink-covered fingers pressed to your lips.

-

If there's one thing most people don't know about Bakugou's friends, it's just how perceptive they really are. Their normally aloof and carefree behavior seems to veil the fact that they are indeed future heroes and they have trained to be finely tuned to each others behavior.

So it didn't take long for them to notice a shift in the actions of their angry blonde friend.

It took even less time to connect the dots to you.

And naturally, ― they began scheming.

Perhaps not scheming per say, ― as they watched Bakugou zone out in your direction for the nth time that day at the library, Mina smacked Denki over the head one day for using that word.

"We're not scheming anything Denks." she whispered.

"Then why are we whispering?" He muttered back, rubbing his head with a grimace.

She sighed deeply and massaged her temples.

"We just need a way to get him to realize that he's feeling an emotion outside of acute bloodlust and anger for once." she explained.

"So then what, do we like, plot an intervention or something?" Sero supplied.

Mina, for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, with great effort, resisted the urge to send an acid quirk infused slap in his way.

Sensing this, Kirishima was quick to pipe in, "C'mon guys, nothing like that, Bakubro just need a little push in the right direction, is all."

Mina nodded in approval.

"Blasty's smart, he'll understand what needs to be done once he works out his feelings. Hopefully."

A mummer of understanding passed through most of the group.

Sitting up straight and cracking her knuckles, Mina whipped out a pen and piece of paper like a weapon, "Alright boys, don't worry, your girls got just the plan."

Kaminari made a face like he just struck gold.

"Ohhhh! Okay. So we're planning an intervention."

"For FUCKS SAKE―"

masterlist

[julia-writes-things]

Grian is overdramatic and sick

drabble request by @bluetbluish

on ao3 if that's more your style

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grian usually never got sick. Key word usually. His so-called ‘higher status’ prevented him from having to deal with the feeble symptoms of the weather or bacteria. Why would an Eldritch God need to get sick when they could just snap their fingers and wish it away? When Grian felt the first tickle in his throat he did just that, or tried to. He slept comfortably in his bed, knowing his sickness was going away when the sun rose from the sky. It was only when he woke up that he realized his punishment extended from just living among the players. He also had to live like them. Experience something he only enjoyed from a third person perspective in first person. Great. Amazing. Super super fun. 

He tried getting out of bed, but his arms felt like lead. Why couldn’t he move? He took a deep breath, but he couldn't breathe from his nose. When he tried, a horrible noise graced his ears. His nose was clogged with… something. His only option was breathing out of his mouth. He found the experience to be quite horrid after about five seconds. 

He needed to tell people about this. Make sure someone knew his suffering, his pain, his- 

{Grian}: scarrrrrrrrr, I need help with a build.

{GoodTimeWithScar}: omw

Grian thought Scar took his sweet time getting there. His head felt like it was being squeezed by a giant rubber band, yet somehow remained in a hazy fog all the while. Why couldn’t his body just pick one symptom, instead of all of them? It would be so much better if it was only one symptom, but no. That would be easy. Instead, he felt like he was dying. He was dying, for all he knew. He’d never experienced this before.

“Grian? Grian?” he heard the melodious voice of Scar, drawing out the ‘e’ syllable on his second call. “Where oh where could he be? G oh G-man.”

Grian tried to let him know he was, in fact, stuck in bed. All that came out was a weak croak. He cringed at himself. This was all he was able to do? Would he be doomed to this horrid fate forever? 

“Was that a frog I heard? He knows I need them for my zoo train, yet he’s hoarding all of them. The injustice!” 

Grian rolled over in his bed. Let Scar find him in this miserable state, then he’d be sorry. 

“Seriously, where could this man be?” Scar mumbled after a while. His voice was getting closer and closer to where he was. Lying down, dead to the world. Or he wished he was dead. 

“There you ar- oh my god,” he immediately rushed to the side of his bed. “What happened to you? You’re so… pale.” “You don’t think I know that, Scar? I feel like someone just took all of my well being and threw it into the void.” “So you’re sick.” “That’s what you call it?”

“Sickness, illness, maladie if you fancy some french-” “I don’t.” 

Grian didn’t have time for humour right now. He needed to get better, and fast. 

“How fix?” he croaked.

“Well uh- what’re you feeling? What’re your symptoms?”

“Dry throat, stuffy nose, sore limbs, my eyes hurt… I could go on.”

“Wow… okay then. Well, have no fear! I’ll go and make my Scar Safe Illness Fighter. I’m trying to get it patented, but the guy at the permit office is a real jerk. Keeps putting me on hold.”

Before Grian could even say anything, he was gone again. He sighed in frustration, all he wanted was Scar’s company.

It took Scar half an hour to make his reappearance. He was lugging a cart of goods behind him. Quickly assembling a table, he then went on to place chicken soup, pastina, tea, milk, honey, noodles, and a small tin of crackers on it. 

“Oh my…” Grian sat up. “This is your illness cure?” “It’s a work in progress. I just took all the things that make me feel better when I’m sick and made them.” 

“That’s a lot.” “Anything for a friend, right?” Grian nodded his agreement, pouring himself some tea. 

“So, you like never get sick. How’d you manage it this time?”

i'm actually terribly ill rn so if it sucks that's why.

[imaginarylungfish]

i'm coming to terms with the fact that, as a child, I was not given a safe environment to be myself. so i learned how to be someone else in order to be loved. i learned how to repress. this showed up as repressing my physical needs because i was so used to repressing my emotional ones. to this day, i have a hard time figuring out when i'm hungry or what i emotions i'm experiencing (which is partly biological, but i can't imagine it all is). i also tend to ignore some pretty big red flags in relationships.

it's really easy to fall in the trap of blaming my parents, grandparents, and uncles for not providing me with the emotional support and guidance i needed as a child. or to hate everything that their religion (catholicism) touches. but i've done that, and while the anger was necessary to let out, it doesn't get me very far.

yes, i do recognize how my family's emotional immaturity, conservatism, and catholicism harmed me, but i now want (and need) to move past that. i can't be mad forever. at least i don't want to be. my parents and guardians did what they thought was right. they were wrong and heartless in some ways, but genuinely kind, accepting, and caring in others. i do think they think they love me, but most of them probably just love the idea of me. regardless if that's true or not, i've learned how to accept the love my family gives, realize it's not enough, and step away.

[a caveat: my mom loves me a whole lot, unconditionally she says. she has helped me through some really tough times while becoming chronically ill in my early twenties. for that, i will see her love for me. however, i have not come out as genderfluid to her for a reason. she's still inside my family's catholic conservative echo chamber. and i don't think i'll ever be able to fully feel her unconditional love for me unless she escapes.]

i used to be so enmeshed and codependent, thinking i needed to provide my family with the daughter, granddaughter, or niece they wanted. but i am not that person.

now, i can see my family as they are: a lost bunch who are so stuck in their ways that they're strangling themselves. growing into adulthood, i've associated love with obligation. i don't want to feel that way anymore. i want love to feel freeing, expansive, light.

i've made the mistake of not wanting to be like my family so much i disregarded the good and helpful traits i was brought up with. but i don't blame myself for that. i needed a time of full rebellion and rejection of them to get to the place i am today.

it's crazy to see queerness be as accepted by people as it is today, even if there is still a long way to go. i can't help but feel such grief when i see parents celebrating their children for being who they are. i wanted that. i didn't get it.

but i'm proud of myself for sticking it out with myself. for being brave. for finding friends and community who affirm and celebrate me. and while i still slip back into repression or self-hate, i know that isn't all that i can feel anymore. i, too, can spread happiness, acceptance, and strength to others. i can experience queer joy.

each year, i become more myself. i wish i could have been me sooner, but i'm glad i'm even able to meet myself in this lifetime at all//

thank you for reading.

and remember, you are beautiful just the way you are 🌈

[thevirgodoll]

Hi Virgo, how are you? 💖 I’ve been a follows for some years now and your advice has really been invaluable, thank you.

I’m not too sure how to word this but how do you cope with the feeling of wasted time/youth? Unfortunately due to chronic health and mental health issues, I spent ages 18-22 not doing a whole lot. I start my first year of university in September. Due to my issues, I gained a lot of weight too. So Im comparing my “best” years to people who are thin, privileged enough to do exciting things like vacation etc.

I don’t know if that makes sense but yeah, that’s my situation and feelings. Any of your wisdom would be appreciated. Lots of love. 💖

Thank you for the luv💕 it’s always good to hear from people that have been longtime followers.

It took me a long time to figure out how to deal with wasted time. I took multiple medical semesters off of college and ended up having to take a fifth year. I also gained weight due to medication so you’re really asking the best person.

I saw it to be such a negative at the time, but it really helped me to get to know myself and, honestly, my internalized ableism. The biggest thing to understand is there is no rush when you’re sick. I know, I know, aaahh that’s a radical thought. But, really, we are always in a rush to “look well” & adhere to society’s norms with routine and daily life that we forget we will get worse by exerting all of that energy where it doesn’t belong.

Your youth isn’t wasted. You’re learning a lesson that some people in their 20s will take years to learn. Living slowly and intentionally. With chronic illness, everything you do has to be out of love and with intention.

We don’t have the privilege of being reckless (unless we want to self sabotage for the day), but we do have the privilege of realizing who we are way earlier. We are stuck with ourselves and whoever else acknowledges we are sick.

Most people don’t know about daily life with chronic illness, especially if it’s invisible. They may have a concept of someone being sick, but they don’t realize that we will have symptoms forever(may ebb and flow but there’s no cure ultimately). Once people realize you won’t “get well soon” they tap out. They stop asking how you are, and they focus on themselves. That’s why it feels so lonely - everyone’s living their life.

See, all of that wasted time is from watching everyone else’s business and not focusing on your own! You have to reject it and remember it’s a blessing you’re even alive!

Make your own rules for how your 20s will look. I suggest experience what life has to offer but also know your limits. If you exceed them for one (1) day, well, you have a memory kept.

It’s okay to need time. It’s okay to need meds. It’s okay to need doctors. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay have a “rotting in bed” day or week.

When we are sick in bed, we have to sit with ourselves. And we have to fall in love with ourselves over and over at our worst - life and death. That type of metamorphosis over and over is not for the weak. Good thing you’re built different.

[varteeny1234]

REWRITE OF CHAPTER TWO !

Summary:

AU of my AU- or, in which chapter 2 went a little (read: A Lot) differently! ~ Ruby can trust Apples. Right??

Words: 1037

Chapters: 1/1

Warnings: A healthy amount of flirty threats of murder<3 (no one actually dies)

Ship: Sakura Spouses

I'M GOING TO FINISH CHAPTER THREE EVENTUALLY I SWEAR-

Ruby didn't believe that the clearing was empty- it couldn't be. Apples had been here just yesterday, and was sure to have stuck around-

"You're braver than I thought." 

Apples was right behind xem, looming above. They stared right through Ruby, who had been struck speechless. 

But instead of doing the melty-thing like they'd done before, they remained in this form, and reached out poke their fingers underneath Ruby's chin, tilting cir head up. Part of cir had expected Apples' finger to be more pointed than it was.

"Why would a human return to a place like this, where they know a fairy resides? Not a smart decision on your part," said Apples. They raised an eyebrow. "Well?"

Ruby shrugged. "I mean, I wanted to see you again... not every day you get to meet someone like you." She was trying to be smooth, damnit, but Apples' stare was intense, and almost all the words she thought of wound up dead on her tongue. Apples narrowed their eyes. 

"Don't you know what I could do to you? Does the fact that I could steal you away,or kill you in one strike, or even take your name and leave you a shell of yourself not threaten you? You weren't deterred by what you saw before." 

The stare-down was becoming more intense, and Ruby was losing. The reminder that yes, Apples was the one in control of the situation, made them feel a little tingly. "No, you're not scary... or, well, I'm not scared of you," they stammered. "You could kill me pretty easily, yeah."

In a flash, with wind rushing by ver eardrums and dropping ver heart into ver stomach, Ruby was in the air, in Apples' arms, their wings beating loudly. Clinging tightly to their body, she heard them whisper from right next to her head. 

"I could drop you from this height, and you would die. You would fall, and no one would be there to catch you. You're not scared of me? You truly don't fear my power?" 

A beat passed. Neither spoke, Apples waiting for Ruby, and Ruby accepting that eir fate was entirely in the hands of someone whom trusting was ill-advised from even themself... still unable to help believing Apples had no ill intent. The breeze around them blew gently, and ey felt ey could get forever lost in Apples' bright eyes.

Ruby shivered. "No," ze whispered back. The ground was a long ways away- ze could see the clearing just below, but they were far above the tops of the trees. The forest canopy was nothing but a vast green carpet below them. 

Ae looked up in time just to see Apples smile for the first time that day- but a spike of worry plunged through the exhilaration. 

"Dear Gemstone, I think I like your boldness."

Apples let aer go. 

Gasping, Ruby nearly let the panic take over, as it slipped from the still-airborne fae's arms and into freefall. 

The trees and the ground were coming up to meet him far too fast, and he couldn't help but let out a yell of terror. He didn't want to believe he'd been wrong about Apples, and that coming back here was a lethal mistake that he'd made. But the evidence was overwhelmingly stacked against him. 

Zir outstretched arm touched the top of a tree, feeling the green leaves whip across zir skin. But just as ze accepted zir fate, Apples flew down and caught zem. 

"Woah!" Xe yelped, feeling the whiplash, xer momentum being halted in all of a couple of seconds. Safely- safely was probably a stretch, but at least xe wasn't in freefall anymore- in Apples's hold again, xe grasped their arm, shaking from the adrenaline and breathing heavily, not realizing that xer nails were digging into them at first. But if they noticed, they didn't say anything. 

They were smiling at Ruby even wider than before, but it felt more real somehow. "You still aren't scared? Not even after I let you fall... you weren't afraid?" 

The playful undertone in their voice sent a flush spreading across Ruby's cheeks. She'd been very afraid, falling through the air, not knowing that they'd catch her, actually! 

But the fact didn't change that they had, and Ruby was alive, and Apples didn't need to prove anything. They'd saved them simply because they wanted to. It was nice, in a weird way! 

Their heart was racing too fast to tell if Apples' smiling at them had changed it. It would have, guaranteed, if it had happened before they'd fallen near to their death.

They'd called Ruby "Dear Gemstone" right when they'd dropped her, right? 

"I was, a litte bit, while I was in the air," Ruby admitted. "But not anymore. You won't kill me, you won't let me die. I guess I read you right."

Apples blinked, then laughed. "Oh, Gemstone, there's something special about you." Much slower, now, they flew back down to the clearing, and set Ruby back on xyr feet, but kept their arms around xem. "And I have to admit, I'm intrigued." 

The air seemed to change. It felt more deep, more meaningful, more intimate. 

They brushed a loose lock of hair out of Ruby's face, and their thumb came to rest on cir lower lip. As if struck by lightning, cir body went rigid, and found cirself subconsciously leaning in a little closer to them. Apples leaned in, too, and for a moment, Ruby expected a kiss- but Apples stopped just before the distance closed, murmuring against the corner of cir mouth.

"I think 'Gemstone' suits you. There's a thousand things I could call you by... but you fit this one the most. Bold and bright. My Gemstone."

"Your Gemstone, huh?" Ruby hummed. If only Apples knew aer name was Ruby. Entirely on accident, they'd nearly guessed aer name. "Feels a little more meaningful than me just calling you Apples in my head."

"Hm."

Instead of a proper response, Apples chose to simply hummed, and then they finally, finally kissed Ruby. Their lips touched, and the feeling was like magic, as the world around dissolved into the background, leaving only the two of them with each other. 

[cerealmonster15]

not 2 be dramatic but also it is my blog where i can ramble about what im feeling whenever i WANT!!! anyway i like. feel like something is fundamentally missing from my entire being or w/e lol. like. i mean there's a very high chance i have adhd which does explain a looooooooot of The Way That I Am and my struggle at doing and focusing on stuff and things and my rapid rotating around short interests in things. but like i also feel like [and maybe this is part of adhd idfk, i havent been Officially Diagnosed just a lot of therapists and friends with adhd all tell me i probs do lol] i just dont feel motivated to do things. and ive been this way i think a lot of my life. i realized a looooong time ago that i was not so motivated by passion but by fear!!!!! fear of failure or whatever!!!

fuckin adding a readmore bc i ended up talking forever lmao

like in school. i got good grades but i never really felt smart exactly. i was able to work really hard and spend a lot of time doing homework and whatever because i feared the consequence of failure. i didnt wanna get bad grades [not even from like a threat from home or anything, i just was afraid of the system lol like i didnt wanna fail and then snowball into ruining everything for my future or w/e. like i've always been kinda 0 to 100 in things like that lolol]

but like i remember going into college like "well i am interested in physics and compsci so i guess ill declare double major til i decide which one id rather do" but i didnt really have a clear goal. physics i dropped first because as much as i like the concept, the classes were still hard and i didnt have any idea of what i'd do with it if i did pursue it. comp sci i at least was like "well i like video games i could do something with that probably" but then i nearly flunked and dropped the class lol. my fault for skipping an intro class bc i was like "Well i learned a lot of the basics in high school" bitch u did not retain any of those basics. anyway i ended up swapping to digital arts under that same "well i like shows and games maybe i can do something with that" and that did ultimately lead me to grad school for game dev and learning what tech art is and all that. and i was employed as one for a lil while!

but then i got let go. and in the midst of a really Hard Time to be unemployd for gamedev bc of the mass layoffs ALSO happening over and over and over and over, so despite the fact that i have some industry experience, i have a significantly harder time even getting interviewed. but a lot of it is my portfolio - unfortunately the nature of the jobs i had didnt really net me much in the way of tangible portfolio work, and a quality / updated portfolio really is what matters in this field

and thats where i hit my problem. i really am not self motivated or like, creative. i dont really have ideas. a lot of my portfolio was school assignments <- stuff i had to do. stuff people told me to do. even now, i sometimes do vfx to help my partner with his solo game hes been making for years, and thats my main portfolio addition source because i need someone to tell me what they want. and then i also struggle to see the vision of that sometimes like ive been SO STUCK on a specific effect im making for the game bc im not understanding the vision and also im not really around other tech artists or vfx artists much anymore. not like in grad school lol. even at my prev job i was the main vfx person so i was kind of on my own floundering around to figure stuff out- and a lot of times i couldnt. there was no senior to guide me if i got stuck.

so when i'm just alone in a vacuum with nothing forcing me to do things i just dont. i LIKE vfx and shaders and even python, but if i dont have a thing where i have to follow specific tasks i just cant think of anything interesting or unique to do myself. even a lot of the python ive learned recently was from a udemy course, which helped a lot bc it was structured with little assignments, explanations i understood in small bursts, and specific projects with specific goals. one of those i did kinda expand on based on what i learned to make a portfolio thing, sort of. it's out of place on my artstation bc it's not really gamedev related at all but its python and it's SOMETHING. python is a tech art skill at least. i can replace it sometime if i have more relevant things but i just dont right now. i dont know what to make. i have no tool ideas, or even if i have a vague idea i just go "i dont really know how id do that" and dont feel motivated enough to figure things out or to make that vague idea even somewhat interesting. vfx i just go "i dont know how to make this look more interesting" and get stuck at unimpressive points if anything. i dont have the designer or passion part of the brain that i kinda need to survive this and it scares me. i like the structure and stability of being employed because someone tells me what they need. i dont know what i'm supposed to do on my own but im supposed to figure it out otherwise my portfolio stays stagnant forever!!!

so many times people will like. have a side project. they learn from those projects. they have a vision they want to see completed and they pick up skills for that thing. my partner is a big example with his game hes making - he could already program but hes learned a lot of the art needed to make it work, because he wanted to see the game made. people have like their comics or animations or games or whatever they do, hobbies, anything that they feel passionate about and i feel like i just lack that passion. scared that i like the idea of doing things more than doing them even if i do enjoy doing the things when i do them, but not enough to like, get myself motivated to lol. if that even makes sense.

like idk. i at least have martial arts - i did aikido in college and i do capoeira now- but it's stuff i can only do bc i have a regular group i pay and go participate in with other people. once i dont have those group settings i dont do it on my own.

ive tried to get myself to learn musical instruments so many times but once i stopped taking lessons for sax or piano bc i got busy with school, i mostly just dropped them. i cant motivate myself enough to practice on my own even tho i did learn enough fundamentals that i probably COULD if i just. cared enough i guess. i always had in the back of my mind that it would be cool, IN THEORY, to draw comics or make a dating sim/visual novel of any flavor, a virtual pet, a farm sim, whatever. but i dont actually have the vision for it. i dont have a story to tell. i'm not motivated enough. ive looked up several times ways i might be able to use python to make a lil tamagotchi project to practice but i just never do!!! maybe i know enough python from the udemy now that i could but would i?? idk!!!

people always say you learn best by just jumping into it. find something fun you want to make or do and then learn as you go. but i dont have passion. im in a vacuum. even with my fics, i still like writing my fics!!! but i slowed down so much on those. because before, i was writing them to share between my friend and me when we were first getting into twst and based off a lot of inside jokes and ideas bouncing off of each other lol. fics, aus, doodles, whatever. and we still talk twst but she isnt caught up to main story anymore and it's not as much of a thing we talk as often or deeply about. i think my doodles got a lot more boring as a result and ive had less ideas. but i do still love the characters so so so so much and i do have fics i want to write... but it slowed down and i dont WANT it to slow down. i get excited over characters and games, and it doesnt really help me in terms of trying to fuckin Get A Job or Learn A Skill or whatever but. like at least it's something. i feel like my doodles got more bland too like i just kinda redoodle the same stiff generic things over and over and over again forever

there are so many things i can just do a little bit of but not enough to be like. impressive. or hireable. or helpful or smart or knowledable or whatever. like i can crochet a little bit. i can sew a LITTLE bit to get some simpler cosplays but nothing fancy. im not motivated enough to push those further to like "make my own clothes" or a more ambitious cosplay even tho i like the base level stuff. i can program a LITTLE in python but cant motivate myself to figure out what to do with it. i used to know a little hlsl and i know some node based shader stuff but not enough to be super deep with it. like more than a non tech artist i guess but not enough to make things that really look all that good 😑 i used to do tech theater in high school, but only really knew the basics of the woodworking and lightbooth stuff, not enough/not kept up with where i could do anything with that now even though i enjoyed it then. i was in chorus in school for like five years in middle/high school and i took some basic piano and saxophone lessons but every time i try to go back to something like that im dusting off the cobwebs. i also have always had huge anxiety so i coudnt ever have considered a performance thing with it anyway. whenever i was in school chorus production musical things i was only in ensemble parts or at the very least singing with a small group of other people because i never had the ambition or desire or bravery to try and stand out lol. i liked being backstage. i started learning to rollerskate but i only ever really got to a point where i could move around without falling over and then as soon as i started capoeira i never touched the skates again. even though it was fun! i studied spanish for years and used to practice with my father but i barely ever do now, even thought i knew enough to go to spain on a school trip we still were in an english comfortable environment and i really could just fumble my way through simple conversations in spanish. i dont keep up with it enough to like, be able to smoothly translate more casual dialogue or whatever and as much as id really love to practice that more, i once again dont have the motivation or drive or even ideas for it. i have a few times thought learning portuguese for capoeira or japanese for just generic enjoyment of japanese games and anime and stuff would be cool but i do. not. stick. with. it.

i do notice lately that the other thing. next to the fear of failure motivation. it is the community thing. i do capoeira not out of fear but because there are other people i go and do it with. i pay for the classes, i enjoy the classes, i do the classes with other people. when i was in school i had other classmates doing the same things with me. when i was in tech theater or chorus clubs i had clubmates. music instrument classes i had the instructor / it was something my mother was paying for me to do / the instructor would give me homework to practice and i had to be able to report to that person the next week so i would have the incentive to do it [another failure thing i guess but still lol]. cosplay i do alone as i make it but then i see other people at cons. i hadnt done new ones in a long time tho because i wasnt going to cons, and the only one i made recently i also had the motivation and deadline of a con coming up that a friend and i were going to go to together and our cosplays connected. theres community. but right now i have no job to worry about failing at, and no coworkers to bounce ideas off of. personal projects are in such a vaccuum i just dont have the motivation or self discipline. even the udemy python thing, some lessons are more interesting than others, and it's general python stuff so rn the recent stuff is like, good dev stuff but not gamedev stuff; but i have learned enough where i probs could take it and run but i dont know how or why or what to do with it!!!

i dont know if im even making a point here i think ive just had these thoughts swirling around my mind and overwhelming me for. well kind of forever LOL