#and the huge homophobia of the times maked it ill suited for that

[searchingforproofsthatimwrong]

what are your favourite historical romance novels? i'd like to get into romance novels as well, but it feels so vast a sea, i would trust your reviews

I would need more Infos on what you would like anon because my tastes run toward the angsty character driven story aka stories where people are assholes to each other. Some people can't stand it lmao

So in different vibes we got :

My absolute fav historical novel : The Luckiest Lady in London by Sherry Thomas. Sherry Thomas in general is my absolute favourite author, she is litteraly head and shoulders above the rest what a queen except for "not quite a husband" but I'll just forget that happened . This one is about a mercenary girl who need to marry because she hasn't got money or brothers and need to help her unmarriageable sick sister. I love gold diggers sorry. Anyway she go about it in a very organised cold blooded way until she met the Perfect Gentleman(tm) a marquess with an absolute spotless reputation and a shit ton of money. She falls in love at first sight. And then promptly fall out of love (in the next minute lmao) because she can sense that he is an asshole. This intrigues the marquess very much (he very much knows he is an asshole, it's just the first time someone else notices lmao) so he tries to make her his mistress - remember he is an asshole. Very good grovelling on the part of the male character (and actual character development hurrah!) which makes all of it worthwhile + a out of this world chemistry between the leads + a very horny math loving schemer of a main female character makes this my favorite. There is rather a lot of sex idk if you're into that anon ? I mean it's the case in approximately all of my fav historical romance but they are not really skippable here.

The funniest one : the viscount who loved me by Julia Quinn. It's the second book in the Bridgerton series which is being adapted in a TV show. Miles better than the first one, which you don't need to read. Anyway in this one we got Anthony, Viscount Bridgerton looking for a wife, he wants one quickly because he has some trauma issues regarding bees, his father and dying young. Anyway, he found one he would like but her sister (our héroïne) thinks he is way too shitty to marry her lovely sister and tries to stop it. There's a lot of funny dialogue, an incredibly funny game of pall mall, good siblings relationship and the funniest scene I have ever seen in a romance books. Very light hearted if that's what you're looking for.

Just a delight : The Heiress Effect by Courtney Milan. Our main female character is a fabulously rich heiress but to stay close to her sick sister she has to do her best not to marry( the opposite of the first book lmao). Not to receive a single proposal actually. Which is hard thing to achieve when you're fucking rich. She manages with terrible fashion sense and a good acting skill to appear completely feather brained, of the insulting kind. Unfortunately she made a few ennemies that way, one of which asks our main male character, an ambitious politician bastard (as in, his father was not married to his mother, he is actually the best male on this list) to get close to her to humiliate her, they fall in love instead. The best part of it is the main female character I am absolutely in love with her but the whole story is rather amazing and the characters are not assholes to each other ! Rare but true !

The more action-y : Her Beautiful Ennemy by Sherry Thomas (she is the best after all so she gets to be there twice). A Chinese woman martial artist's quest for revenge bring her to England where she find her ex lover that she thought dead. Because she tried to kill him. 100% totally seriously honest to god cold blooded murder attempt on her part. Romance. Anyway we get the story of their reunion with flashback of their first meeting /falling in love, this is not for the faint of heart but God do I love this. The male character is absolutely the sweetest (although he did get that murder attempt coming, it was still understandable. Also a very rare male virgin. Istg that's a fucking unicorn in those kinda novels) the female main character is such a badass and the love story is pretty strong. The whole vengeance thing could have used a better antagonist but all in all solid romance with wuxia element.

I have more (much, much more) if you want but any of those would be a good start.

Sherry Thomas actually is Chinese (born in China, Chinese is her first language but she moved in the US when the was a kid) btw so idk how accurate or anything the Chinese portrayal is but I trust her. Courtney Milan is a tra I think but it doesn't get brought up in her books (not in this one at least) and she got some shit after standing up against racism (she also is Chinese ? I think ? At least has some Chinese ancestors) in the American society of romance books or something so I Stan anyway.

If you read any one of those pls pls DM me or send another anon I would love to hear your thoughts.

Also if you need more recs ;)

[inevitably-johnlocked]

JL Fic Recs: Angst With Happy Ending Pt. 3

Hey all!!

OKAY, so... I somehow LOST the original ask that this list was supposed to attach to, so I’m going to just offer it as a standalone list, because I need it posted for another ask I have, LOL.

So, for whoever asked about 2 months ago for Angst with a Happy Ending, this one is for you, LOL. I’m sorry, I have no idea why your post disappeared from my drafts. Enjoy, all, a rare List Without an Ask :). ENJOY!! And as usual, add your faves! <3

ANGST WITH HAPPY ENDING Pt 3

See also:

Angst With a Happy Ending

Angst With a Happy Ending Pt. 2

Angsty Fluff

A Room of One's Own by whitchry9 (K+, 2,174 w., 5 Ch. || S2 Timeline, Hurt/Comfort, Supernatural, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Coma, John Whump, Worried Sherlock, POV John, Angst, Friendship/Bromance, Hospital) – When a severe head injury lands John in a coma, somehow he ends up in Sherlock's mind palace. It's actually pretty nice there, and John is entertaining the notion of staying there, rather than returning to his broken body. But Sherlock isn't taking it as well, and John can feel him breaking around him.

To the Nines by suitesamba (M, 2,724 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Magical Realism, Pining, Angst, John Whump, Time Travel, Fortunes, Time Jumps) – John skips forward in time, and Sherlock reads the signs that point to nine. John knows he’ll eventually be with Sherlock, but the waiting is nearly impossible, and his body is a lot more than transport. A foray into magical realism where all the canon events occur, and a hell of a lot more.

Reversed by whitchry9 (K+, 3,072 w., 6 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Medical Anomolies, John Gets Shot) – The man pointed his gun at John's chest, right at his heart, and shot.' Wherein John is shot, and Sherlock is the one panicking.

Bridges by sussexbound (M, 6,602 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TLD / S4 Fix It, Love Confessions, Mending Relationships, Moving Back In, Pining Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Past Abuse, Shaving) – The silence between them is deafening, interrupted only by the hum of the traffic outside, and the soft click-clunk of the plastic cups Rosie is playing with on the floor beside them. It is the first time they have been alone together, since Sherlock’s birthday. It’s only been two days, but it feels huge, important, like there is a precarious bridge stretched out before them both that they need to at least attempt to traverse.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalized Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by "accident", it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

The Hand You're Dealt by Lady Sam Mallory (T, 12,092 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Light Violence, BAMF John, Doctor John, Injury, Friendship) – Sherlock, John and several others are trapped in a building when an explosion disrupts the crime scene they are working.

Kintsugi by distantstarlight (E, 14,772 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Regret / Remorse, Loneliness, Separation, Drug Use, Healing, Protective John, Sad Sherlock, Dev. Rel., Complicated Relationships, Love, Angst With Happy Ending, Sherlock is Called Freak, John’s Penance, Voyeurism, Doctor/Caretaker John, Guilty John, Detox, Fingering, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Slight Non-Con Turns Enthusiastic Consent, Virgin Sherlock) – Sherlock Holmes becomes estranged from the man he had once considered his best friend after John lets him down horribly in public. It seems that the world's only consulting detective will be on his own once again...or will he?

The Burning of the Leaves by blueink3 (M, 15,915 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Angst, Reichenbach, Parentlock, Past Jolto, Idiot John, Sherlock’s a Mess, Puppies, Fluff, Possessive / Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, Matchmaker Sholto, Melancholic Feelings, Emotional Sherlock, Domesticity, Love Confessions in the Rain, Kissing in the Rain, Pet Names, Panic Attack) – After the events of series 4, Major Sholto invites John and Sherlock to lunch one day. It nearly proves to be too much for their tenuous relationship as the past haunts the present, putting the future that Sherlock so desperately wants at risk.

The Palmyra Atoll by elwinglyre (E, 16,609 w., 3 Ch. || TSo3 Divergence / Episode Fix-It, Stockholm Syndrome, Kidnapped John Watson, John Whump, Evil Mary, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Toplock, Limited 3rd John POV) – As John's preparing for the wedding, Sherlock is preparing to have his heart broken, and Mary is prepared to do the unthinkable. Intervention required. Enter Sherlock. Set before Sign of Three with a far different outcome. John is drugged, kidnapped, and left on an island, but not just any old island.

Wonderful, Etcetera. by VictoryCandescence (T, 16,955 w., 3 Ch. || Wonderful Life AU || Alternate Timelines, Brotherhood, Homophobia, Suicidal Ideations, Mentions of Drug Use, Friendship, Different TRF, Sherlock’s Past, Victor Trevor is Past Boyfriend, Depression, Hallucination?, Love Confessions, Christmas, First Kiss) – Sherlock thinks everyone would be better off if he had never existed, including and especially himself. When he finds himself in a world in which his wish has been granted, he begins to think perhaps even he could be wrong – but it takes an unlikely chaperone to make him not only observe, but understand.

I Think I've Come A Long Long Way To Sit Before You Here Today by ArwenKenobi (T, 18,251 w., 3 Ch. || Grief/Mourning, Passage of Time, Major Character Death, Alternating POV, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Coma, Revenge Murders, Hallucinations, Love Confessions, Brutal Accident, Mystrade, Ghost John) – One year after John is killed Sherlock starts to wonder whether John has actually gone anywhere.

Permanent Fixture by vitruvianwatson (E, 18,836 w., 9 Ch || Post-S4, Parentlock, Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, They’re Good Parents, Blushing Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Explicit Consent, Sexual Content, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Big Feelings, Crying, First Kiss, Fluff, Anxious Sherlock, Inexperienced Sherlock, Emotional Communication, Love Confessions) – Now, as Rosie sat curled up against Sherlock’s side, John watched and wondered exactly how he had ended up here. Domesticity had never suited him before, not at any point in his life. His disastrous marriage had been proof of that. But somehow, here in the warmth and safety of 221B Baker Street, here with Sherlock Holmes reading medical jargon to his daughter, Sherlock’s bony feet nudging against his leg, John couldn’t imagine anyplace that would make him happier.

Silhouettes by allonsys_girl (E, 28,585 w., 7 Ch. || Canon Compliant, POV John, Heavy Drinking, Sad/Depressed John, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Reunion, Foot Jobs, Blow Jobs, Infidelity, Cheating, Drug Use/Abuse, Anal, Switchlock, Rimming, Parentlock) – Sherlock and John find comfort in each other's arms, but as ever with these two, it's not your typical relationship. It's fluffy at the beginning, gets deeply angsty in the middle, gets porny at the end.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

The Winter Garden by Callie4180 (T, 31,213 w., 13 Ch. || Post-S4, Retirement, Christmas, Slow Burn, Grown-Up Rosie, Parenthood, Rosie’s Cat, Angst with Happy Ending, Holidays, Beekeeping, Magical Realism, Sherlock POV, Sherlock’s Violin, Future Fic, Sussex, Honey, Magical Healing Honey, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Scar, First Kiss, Touching) – As Sherlock nears the end of his career, he's given the gift of a cottage in Sussex. The honey from the beehives out back is amazing.Almost...magical.

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

Inscrutable to the Last by DiscordantWords (M, 48,842 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, Alternate S3, John’s Blog/S3 is a Story By John, Divorce, Marital Difficulties, John is a Mess, Emotional Reunion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Grief / Mourning, Pining John, First Kiss, Adorably Clueless Sherlock, Nostalgia, Love Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending) – He wasn't Sherlock, he couldn't work miracles. All he'd ever been able to do was write about them.

Anchor Point by trickybonmot (E, 49,856 w., 80 Ch. || Truman Show AU || Psychological Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Dark Characters / Fic, Alternating First/Third Person, Protective John, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Tender Moments, Love Confessions, Hand/Blow Jobs, Cuddling, Jealous John, First Kiss/Time) – The world tunes in nightly for Sherlock, the ultimate in reality TV: Sherlock Holmes, a real person with a legendary name, unknowingly lives out his life in a staged setting contrived by his brother. Things get complicated when a retired army doctor joins the show to play the part of Sherlock's closest friend. This fic borrows its concept from the 1998 film, the Truman Show. However, you don't need to have any knowledge of the movie to enjoy this story.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...

Gold Rush by ShirleyCarlton (E, 71,783 w., 17 Ch. || Post S3 / No Mary, Friends to Lovers, Mentions of Past Sexual Abuse, First Kiss, Case Fic, Slow Burn, Alternating POV, Switchlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Marriage Proposal, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Abduction, Anxious/Insecure Sherlock, Miscommunication, Emotional Lovemaking) – John has divorced Mary and pops round to 221B one evening to find Sherlock in the middle of a case. As Sherlock tries to find the identity of a young woman’s stalker, John realises he can no longer deny his feelings for Sherlock – which then, to their befuddlement, turn out to be mutual. Shy kisses and tentative embraces ensue. But will Sherlock be able to cast off a shadow from his past that he thinks might prevent John from wanting to stay?

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets, Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love,  Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?

White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine's chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn't ask John.

Just To Hold You Close by sussexbound (E, 70,841 w., 18 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Sherlock POV, ASD Sherlock, PTSD John, Demisexual Sherlock, Bisexual John, Cuddling/Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, Enthusiastic Consent, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Sexual Tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cuddle Negotiations, For a Case Until It Isn’t, Hair Petting, Sexual Negotiation, Anxiety, Trust Issues, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Frottage, Hand/Blow Jobs, Referenced Self Harm / Abuse / Suicidal Ideation, First Kiss/Time, Anal) – When a woman is murdered and the last person to see her alive is recently invalided army vet turned reluctant (and prickly) professional cuddler, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes is pulled into a world of intimacy and intrigue he never could have imagined. John is a conundrum and mystery: frank yet reserved, tender yet angry, open yet afraid. Sherlock is instantly drawn into his orbit, and begins to feel and desire things he never has before.

The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) –  A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.

Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater /  Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”  

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Flashbacks, Sussex, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Background Case Fic) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU ||  BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

[heartate-aa]

first of all. let me start by saying this.

there is no place for hatred of any kind in this community, or any community for that matter. no racism, no transphobia, no homophobia, nothing.

i think it’s important to recognize that there’s a time and place for everything, be it certain discussions amongst certain people or whatever. i think it’s extremely important to recognize that for a good majority of the time, it’s not our job to police the language that someone chooses to use when speaking about themselves. that being said, that doesn’t take away from the fact that the language in use can still be distasteful and harmful, and that’s an important sentiment to express. it is also so important to recognize that just because you are ok with using that language, even if you’re not using that language as a blanket statement to necessarily everyone, it doesn’t make it any less offensive. but again, if it’s not our place or right to police their personal use of it, it’s not something that should be squashed with harsh language, and instead i think it warrants better conversation to discuss the harm rather than be harsher about it. but i do agree that like ... usage of certain offensive languages just ... maybe shouldn’t be done publicly because not everyone will take kindly to it and of course people will be upset. there’s no getting around that. but there’s no room for anon hate or adding fuel to the fire, especially publicly and making a big mockery of things, you know? it doesn’t solve anything.

i don’t agree with any kind of witch hunt and callout culture in general. it’s so important to callout people who are genuinely vile and abusive and toxic, and sometimes it’s such a hard line to define when it comes down to whether or not you should bring something out publicly or resolve it quietly. i see both sides of this and i sympathize with everyone’s sentiments. i feel so anxious and nervous because . . . i just want to write quietly and vibe with everyone and i adore everyone who’s “opposite” to this situation and i would like to remain on good terms with everyone. i don’t feel as if it should be an issue because i’m not going to go out of my way to force everyone to cross paths and interact with people they don’t want to interact with.

i don’t like being made to feel as if i’m under obligation to choose a side when it’s not my personal involvement, and that doesn’t make me complicit or enabling in anyone’s behavior. it isn’t my business and i will not stick my nose where it doesn’t belong. that being said, if i was witness to friends being shady or doing something gross, i will absolutely check them on it.

i’ve been so quiet because i really really really hate the sentiment that comes across as a huge guilt trip of “if you don’t rb this you’re part of the problem” when i am not involved, and i’m sure this is something many others feel too. it’s guilt trippy and extremely anxiety inducing and it feels really awful and makes me feel so guilty when i shouldn’t, because i’m not, and others are not, burying their heads in the sand. we’re not ignoring the issue. i feel for everyone involved so deeply and i’m so sorry that this is something that you guys are enduring and have endured for so long, and i feel especially for those who have been dragged into this despite being uninvolved and i hope that you find a way to relax and take time to yourself because you deserve it. but truly. the guilt tripping statements like “if you don’t rb this you’re enabling this” is NOT the move. because i think i can say this for a lot of us that we would check our friends if they said or did something that was fucked up and that we’d stand up to toxicity. please, when you’re trying to call anyone to action for any reason, please do not use language like this. it’s guilt trippy. it’s anxiety inducing. i know that there’s no ill intent behind it, but the way it comes across isn’t great and i think there’s other ways to express the need to share things that are important.

i think i can speak for most of us when i say that the majority of us here do not agree with grossness like transphobia and bullying and witch hunts and abuse and general toxicity. just because we don’t necessarily involve ourselves, doesn’t mean that we don’t see it or that we agree with the nastiness that’s occurring. i will never stand for abuse or bullying and any kind of gross toxicity. and if i run into someone who’s nasty, or if i’ve been warned about someone and i use my discretion to tread with caution, it’s not because i’m ignoring the warnings or enabling them, i’m trying to make my own decisions and if it turns out that yikes, jeez, they’re a bad apple after all, i’ll have learned my lesson you know.

it’s ok to block people. the point of the internet is to curate your own personal experience and make it comfortable and best suited to your needs. you should not feel guilty for blocking anyone. you should not feel guilty for standing up for yourself and your friends and creating the best environment for all of you, and most especially yourself. in a world as crazy as the one that we live in, it’s so important to take care of ourselves and find our happiness, and for a lot of us, that’s tumblr rp and weaving together beautiful stories with one another. this community has been really beautiful, but it also has its occasional bouts where it just ... doesn’t feel as great. i think a lot of the issues people have can be solved with conversations, perhaps mediated by neutral and unbiased parties if that makes it easier, but i digress.

i just. really hate to see people hurt and see people upset and fighting one another, especially when it’s amongst friends or people who were friends. disagreements happen. we can’t all get along. and no we shouldn’t enable toxicity or gross language or anything nasty. we should absolutely take initiative to act on that and check the people around us, because hey, maybe some people don’t really realize how insensitive something is until it’s expressed to them. i think people are capable of learning and changing and growing.

i want to get along with everyone. i don’t want to feel like i’m being forced to choose between my friends or mutuals that i adore. i just want to enjoy myself here with everyone. i don’t want to be made to feel bad just because i talk to someone who doesn’t like someone else, you know?

anyway. i’m sorry this is so long. i doubt anyone has read this far because i really wrote a fucking book here i just. had so many feelings that i’ve been sitting on all day and it just. got out of hand. adhd rambling and all. i’ll delete this whenever.

please be kind to one another. there is no room for hatred here. i don’t care if you dislike someone or don’t get along with someone. i hate that tumblr preaches about positivity and being kind and then we don’t take our own advice. we never know what someone has going on, and even if you disagree with someone, there’s no place for hateful language or sending anons or whatever. be kind. we can’t all get along and be friends and i know it’s hard to just. ignore people. and we shouldn’t have to be in a place where we even need discussions like this because most of us are adults and we should know how to act and talk to and treat people.

to everyone, be kind to yourselves most of all. i love everyone here, i really do. i feel for everyone deeply and i’m here if you need someone to talk to or game with or chat about plots with, or whatever. take a breather if you need it. please take care of your health! i don’t want anyone to be hurt more than they already are in this time, and the world is difficult enough as it is, and we don’t need our hobbies to become burdens.

[beeblackburn]

Ghosts for the fandom ask as well! 👀

The first character I ever fell in love with: Thomas Thorne. “Ah, she’s gone” remains one hell of a delightful line delivery. And his following melodrama was just amazing to sit through. I love dramatic™ bitches.

A character that I used to love/like, but now do not: I... honestly don’t know? Like, I generally like every character in this series and that’s not particularly a small feat. I suppose if I had to choose... the Captain or Mike, and only because I’ve come to realize their later more self-centered/forcible moments were there from the get-go, from the Captain’s complaining about Fanny’s screaming and Mike taking out a loan without talking about it with Alison while she was in a coma, not necessarily because I dislike them.

A ship that I used to love/like, but now do not: Ummm, none! I generally agree with the ships in this series. 

My ultimate favorite character™: Thomas Thorne, he usually guarantees a laugh with any line reading, he looks good, he usually holds back before his crush on Alison gets too creepy, The Thomas Thorne Affair and Free Pass helps explain his more romantic tendencies and the former genuinely floored me with some of its twists and that last revelation broke my damn heart. Poor Isabelle and Thomas. They lost so much because the first Lord Button was a selfish arse. And I adore that Thomas was the first one who sung along In the Bleak Midwinter with Alison. I hope all the best for him.

Prettiest character: Kitty or Thomas. Kitty’s more my type, and I love her dress, but Thomas has those floofy locks to die for.

My most hated character: FUCK LORD BUTTON THE FIRST WITH A MUSKET BALL. That being said, I don’t come out of the Christmas Special respecting Mike’s sisters. And, depending on how Kitty’s backstory goes, her sister’s set to replace Lord Button the First. Honestly, I feel like I come out of this series hating cousins and sisters.

My OTP: Mike/Alison. Aside from some hiccups, Mike’s genuinely supportive and follows Alison’s lead and Alison grounds Mike’s eccentrics or flights of fear. They’re not friction-less, but they feel lived-in, have little jokes with each other, and are a couple who love each other and work through their problems.

My NOTP: Yeah, still none.

Favorite episode: Man, there’s a spoil of riches in Season 2 alone, but I keep revisiting Happy Death Day, Getting Out, About Last Night, Redding Weddy, The Thomas Thorne Affair, and Bump in the Night. If I had to narrow it down... The Thomas Thorne Affair, Bump in the Night or The Ghost of Christmas all vie for favorite.

The Thomas Thorne Affair is the best flashback episode Ghosts got, given it’s got a ton of narrative room to breathe around the death in question (I love Redding Weddy, but I wanted more scenes between the Captain and Lieutenant Havers), allowing for multiple perspectives to see the death, and I love how many holes get plugged up by POVs like Kitty’s or get misdirected off-track like Robin’s or get made into a more interesting imaginary scenario like the Captain’s (real talk, his take never fails to make me laugh, bless you, Captain). It’s all hilarious (that bird getting shot by Thomas’ gun as he falls is my second-guiltiest laugh of the series) but it also speaks to a very real idea of our memories: that we edit, we revise, we look back with nostalgia or clean up the messier bits. Add in the twists and the Mike subplot and it all adds up to a tragic tale whose theme is about how another man’s utter selfishness is capable of destroying a relationship between two lovers through violence, either directly or by proxy. It’s delightfully hilarious, but it hits so hard and Thomas’ words about the truth making it all worse twists my heart.

I feel Bump in the Night is the funniest episode Ghosts’ got. It’s not particularly serious, there are no real stakes, given one of the burglars is terrible at theft, it’s just a bunch of total morons fumbling through a breaking-and-entering and it’s amazing. Fanny complaining that the burglars are terrible at theft, the Ghosts calling for 999, only to not think through how to communicate, them trying to communicate with Mike via a creepy doll’s eyelids, Alison immediately realizing Mike’s in the wardrobe, Julian writing “2 of them” instead of 2 like a non-dumbass, MIKE IN THE SUIT OF ARMOR, it’s all amazingly funny, but at the same time, it’s all underlined by the emotional truth that Alison, Mike, and the Ghosts have come far enough that the Ghosts are willing to help them out because they like them, instead of scaring them off or causing problems like in Season 1. Alison verbalizes it, but the more touching scene is how she thanks Robin, the Ghost that first scared her because he had nothing better to do, for getting Barclay to help them and he just nods humbly back. This episode is full of idiots, but it’s got a decent amount of heart in it that gives it weight beyond the laughs.

The Ghost of Christmas probably has one of my favorite theses on why we endure the holidays with our families, despite it never being as magical as can be. There’s stuff to nitpick like how I don’t like how Mike’s sisters delight in Mike throwing a fit, going so far to film it, and some of Julian’s scenes with the baby run a bit long for my taste, but I really do like Julian’s summation of Christmas: that it’s perfect because it’s not perfect and that we should be grateful of any time we spend with family, because it will all go away someday, as the ghosts can testify. We take the good with the bad. There are some delightful humor bits like the Ghosts needling the Captain and Thomas to join in on Twister, Fanny looking up at the tall tree from the seeds they planted, Mike’s dad having a chainsaw, and Julian waving off his daughter being a MP of the Green Party (screw you, Julian, she rules because of that), but there’s also the theme of family in the emotional scene. When Mike’s dad tells him they’re overbearing because someday they won’t get to do things for him, there’s a heartwarming irony that, even past death, the Ghosts are there for Alison, their newest family member. This episode made me realize just how... barren Alison’s biological family connections are from the first episode’s mentioning that there were no other direct relatives. And In the Bleak Midwinter is a gorgeous song that cuts as a certain truth: just because others can’t see your family doesn’t make them any less real to you. 

Saddest death: Thomas dying all alone at the tree, no one living by his side, feeling the sting of being rejected one final time at the end because his cousin was a selfish arse who capitalized on a woman he didn’t love for her estate? God, this bears repeating, but fuck Lord Button the First.

Favorite season: Oh, definitely Season 2. I love Season 1, but I’m not a huge fan of second-hand embarrassment and seeing Alison get embarrassed by her reacting to ghosts that others can’t see made me wince quite a few times. I much prefer Season 2′s handling of Alison and the Ghosts and how they work.

Least favorite season: Season 1. I don’t take to the more second-hand embarrassment humor of that season, but I do love every episode except Free Pass. It’s still a great season with episodes like Happy Death Day, Moonah Ston, and Getting Out. Special mention to Happy Death Day, which was the first time I realized Ghosts could balance the comedy and the darkness with sincere emotion without them undercutting each other at the wrong time.

Character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: Now? Not really. In the first season though, I sometimes found Kitty a little too grating, possessive, and intrusive. Not that I don’t get where she’s coming from, her childhood sounds lonely and painful in ways she doesn’t fully comprehend and ghosthood hasn’t exactly made her any less lonely in some ways, most times I understand, but sometimes, like at the start of Getting Out where I feel she really should pump the brakes. 

That being said, her backstory’s gonna break me. I just know it.

My ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: Fanny or the Captain. They really can be abrasive or domineering in that first season, the Captain steamrolling over Pat from time to time and Lady Fanny’s nitpicking and homophobia, but I do get why they are that way and they do get better.

My ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: Kitty, who deserves all the blankets for that childhood. Mary, who likely has a mental illness and got burnt because of that. Humphrey, who doesn’t deserve being ignored by the Ghosts.

My ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: Thomas/Alison. Thomas, sometimes, your behavior can get a little too much regarding Alison. That first (thankfully only) peep at her in the shower, I know you’ve been frustrated for years as a Ghost, but noooooooo. That being said, when Thomas respects her boundaries and is a supportive friend (have I mentioned how touching In the Bleak Midwinter is?), I dig them.

My ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship: Pat/Cap. Not that I don’t get it, and it promises heartwarming feels and heartbreak (Pat moving on after they hook up and Captain having to watch another leave him again, but this time, Captain got to admit his feelings before the leaving) and they are rather adorable together, but I’m more waiting for the narrative to acknowledge the possibility before launching myself into the ship full-time.

[oneweekoneband]

a hugely inexpert, absolutely correct examination of The Planets and their role in taylor swift turning out to be such a freak

Astrology is real. Astrology is made-up nonsense. Made-up nonsense is real. One person’s chosen organizing principle for living is no more or less stupid than anyone elses. All of this is true or maybe it isn’t. Don’t roll your eyes too hard, but Joan Didion wasn’t lying—we do tell ourselves stories in order to live. It’s about all we do. I don’t understand the stars and planets because I don’t believe it’s my business what happens up there, plus I’m a little dumb, but I, like any blubbering narcissist, enjoy being told something about myself, and what is a horoscope but an opaque little love note designed to be interpreted by the reader in whatever way suits them best. There are astrologers who write beautiful, empathetic horoscopes that are a balm whether you believe them or not, and in this way astrology has a cultural value which makes any dubious scientific purity irrelevant. I don’t understand the stars and planets, but I have friends that do, and I like hearing whatever they sort out. Certainly, I’m not immune to believing in spurious little rituals; I was raised Catholic. Thinking that your star sign is responsible for certain aspects of your personality is no more impractical than keeping a Saint Christopher medal in your car to protect you from danger while traveling. These days I do both. Astrology is possibly real or possibly is not and maybe it matters what “real” means or else it might not, yeah, but the philosophical questions recede in the face of one fact upon which we can all agree: Taylor Swift has a profoundly upsetting birth chart.

Right off the bat, just from an aesthetic standpoint, this image (above) is not inviting. I don’t like to see it. When I wrote about Taylor Swift on this site in 2013 I didn’t know my moon or rising signs. This knowledge was not yet mandatory for trying to date girls and/or understanding jokes online. I was, at that time, far from even the semi-astrologically-literate state I am in now, yet even then if you’d have shown me this image, I know I’d shudder. It doesn’t take a scholar of any kind to see this and feel a chill down your spine, the itch of cold, spectral fingers closing around your wrist. Look at it again. The painful bisection by those angry blue lines. If you found this painted on a cave wall you’d turn and run back towards the fresh air of the opening, blinking back tears, certain some undead beast was following in your wake. This is a birth chart that says I am capable of writing songs like “All Too Well” but sometimes what I like better is to name a cat after the worst David Fincher movie and do a anti-homophobia music video that actually is so bad it felt somehow like it itself was homophobia. This is a birth chart that says I am going to release my new album, Red (2012), with a promo wherein Papa John’s will bring you a copy of it along with your pizza. This is a birth chart that says yeah, I used to do a fake twang as a teenager, and then I dropped the fake twang, but I can bring it back with no notice sometimes so all the girls (mentally ill adult women who have a Pavlovian response to anything that kinda sounds like “Hey Stephen”) go wild.

Taylor Swift is a Sagittarius. That’s the one with the arrow. It’s one of the good signs, theoretically, because it’s one that I have a lot of in my own chart, and because it’s in November and December, which are months where you can wear all your coats. Some other Sagittarians include Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, Janelle Monae, 8th US President Martin Van Buren, Jane Fonda, my friend C., who, in fact, happens to share all three major placements, sun, moon, and rising, with Ms. Swift, but I still don’t think she’s murdered anyone, and, of course, Jake “Twin fire signs / Four Blue Eyes” Gyllenhaal. So we have basically a lot of hot people and one guy who died of asthma, but who did manage to get the highest ranking job in the country first, though the country was a lot smaller then, and didn’t even have McDonalds yet to serve to teams that win college football tournaments. All in all, seems okay. Her moon is in Cancer. I think this connotes something about the watery depths of her emotional self, and it’s the only astrological placement which gets a shout out in the Joni Mitchell song “Little Green”. Her rising sign is Scorpio which is, like... Well, Scorpio to me is Halloween and Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl. Medically speaking, I think that influence is how the stylings for the reputation era turned out so very Hot Topic. My moon is in Scorpio so this is a self-own as much as anything else.

Now look at this. What does it mean? Impossible to say, but that will not stop me from concluding that whatever it does mean is definitely bad. It will not stop me from extrapolating that probably a “multiple planet opposition” is the kind of thing that makes a person go to Stonewall during Pride for a surprise appearance but perform “Shake It Off” instead of any of the actual really good and sexy songs. But then, I bet it probably also factored into her developing into the kind of creative mind who would write something as weird and funny and vital as “And I’ve been meaning to tell you / I think your house is haunted / your dad is always mad and that must be why,” so possibly bad is good and good is bad and the various astrological signs just signify the different ways we relate to death. I don’t know. I’m scared.

In the documentary Folkore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions, released on Disney+ last month to accompany the record, because this daughter of three generations of bank presidents is nothing if not a money-maker, Taylor wears a terrifying outfit that I started to like rather than recoil from by about halfway through, and while wearing it espouses a belief that we are all monsters, which I happen to figure is correct. In Madame Clairevoyant’s Guide to the Stars, essential book on astrology and, importantly, the vagaries of the human heart, the incomparable Claire Comstock-Gay writes, “For Sagittarius, the desire is shifting and undefined. This is a drive, above all else, to see, to learn, to experience, to continually seek knowledge. It’s a drive to live a life that never asks or requires that you cede your freedom and never requires you to stop searching.” Certainly, this is the kind of internal compass which would lead to making the unusual, dramatic, and frankly very cool decision to entirely re-record your first six albums when ownership of the original masters has fallen into the hands of a little creep named “””Scooter””” who refuses to relinquish this morally, if not actually legally, false claim. For years I have speculated that actual murder of a human would not be outside of Taylor Swift’s capabilities. This is a statement made with neither praise or criticism attached. It’s a clinical observation from a sterling mind. What I feel with equal conviction, but admit more grudgingly, is that, if it happened, she’d have a perfectly logical reason. (Note: Taylor, if you’re reading this, I am not the type who’d rat anyway. It’s fine. Please don’t sue me.) I’m positive the astrological facts support my findings on this, and if I’m wrong, fortunately I will never find out. Anyway, the next full moon is in 22 days. I always want to look at it and then I forget. There’s a lot going on in space, and while I do feel that any cosmic forces which would put me and Taylor Swift on Earth at the same time are sort of inherently malevolent, I guess it’s been pretty fun, too.

[sonthirteen]

      ❝       one drop of wine is enough to R E D D E N a whole glass of water       ❞

Get to know HANS ISLES who’s TWENTY-SIX years old and works as a LAWYER in town. He is from CORONA and is often times mistaken for DACRE MONTGOMERY while others say he reminds them of HANS from FROZEN. 

rubbish husband, evil man, king of my heart. take this sad asshole !! tw: neglect, mental illness shaming, internalised homophobia, mentioned panic attacks

[ pinterest ] 

BIOGRAPHY:

✧ unlucky number thirteen. it’s no wonder nobody cared about hans, really -- his brothers would bully him and his parents would call it character building; his nannies would forget him and he would have to look after himself; he would be scolded for crying by everyone he knew, and he was once such an emotional little boy. hans learns from a very early age that he must fend for himself, for it is a dog eat dog world and being eaten alive is not an option.

✧ his family is rich, which gives him a lot of opportunities. it gave him connections for his career -- if anyone bothered to help him out, that is -- and it gave him the best education that money could buy, but it gave hans something more important: it allowed him to find his passion and make friends. his passion for sailing became a great skill, for which he has won awards for ( not that his family noticed ), and he found friends in his horses. he was allowed to try whatever he wanted, because it meant nobody was looking after him. as a result, hans has great skills in sailing, horse riding, and dance.

✧ but no matter what he does, no matter how hard he tries and how much effort he puts in, his family don’t care. his parents are uninterested and his siblings mock him for trying too hard. he doesn’t know what to do -- he becomes sad, his nerves worked up too easily, and he briefly considers seeing a therapist. he mentions it at fourteen years old to a brother he was closest to, which lead him to being humiliated by his whole family. it would be embarrassing, they said, to have an isles boy in a therapist office. it would be bad for the image. hans does not mention it again.

✧ instead, something turns in hans, and it is for the worst. he becomes biting and manipulative and cold because it’s the only way he can be respected by his family, and he needs to be respected by his family. they still don’t take him seriously, but it’s a step in the right direction. he loses friends along the way but hans figures if they can’t keep up with him, that’s not his fault -- if he thinks any differently, he might end up spiralling, and he can’t afford a setback. so instead, he stays a clever, handsome, mysterious, rich young man. stays quiet and keeps his head down and succeeds because there is nothing else he can do.

✧ hans, by the way, is very much in the closet. he hasn’t told anybody that he’s maybe even thinking that he might be anything other than straight. he’s had a few girlfriends, a few flings, enough to keep the suspicion off of him. his parents have never expressly been homophobic, but he is so aware that everything he does is a disappointment that he can’t help but think it’s a step out of line. he can’t help but think that even if it’s a committed and loving relationship, it’ll be a disappointment. but it’s a disappointment if he doesn’t bring anyone home, either, so what is a man to do ?

✧ the emotional little boy that hans used to be is still there underneath his expensive suits and bravado, somewhere deep down. he instead hides that child away with his charming smirks and witty remarks because that’s all he knows how to do. that child he once was is still there, watching the world around the wicked adult, showing himself every so often in his frustrated tears and gritted teeth. hans does not know who he is, but he knows he wants to impress. he wants to look good and sound good so that perhaps, one day, he will be good.

✧ hans is uncertain about all the new faces in corona, but he hopes some good will come of it. though, knowing his luck, it will turn sour -- and he will take the fall for it, as often is the case with these sorts of things. he will try, all the same, to keep to himself and not bother people, because if any bad word gets back to his parents, that will be the real humiliation for him.

HEADCANONS:

POSITIVE: charming, intelligent, adaptable, ambitious, resourceful, romantic, self-reliant

NEGATIVE: manipulative, unforgiving, high-strung, snobbish, arrogant, cunning, entitled

his best friends has always been his horses, honestly. he didn’t socialise well as a kid because we was riddled with anxiety and it was easier to talk to horses and run away on them than it was to make friends.

his parents just wanted him out of the house so they let him sign up for whatever he wanted. as a result, he’s an excellent dancer, a fantastic horse rider and rearer, and an award winning sailor.

huge lover of classic lit. it makes him look like a pretentious dick but that’s exactly what he is. huge fan of tolstoy, shakespeare, homer, and dickens. has been known to quote these at people.

stans true crime documentaries and his interest in them probably lead him into law -- aside from the whole impressing his parents thing, which was also a huge motivator. 

has considered entering politics as a career move, but wants to get a few high profile cases under his belt before making that transition because he imagines that will be easier and making him more desirable. 

definitely a sufferer of anxiety attacks, and is hugely embarrassed by them. locks himself away and becomes much more biting in the fear moments after it passes.

guess who has a fear of intimacy ! guess who can’t have serious emotional relationships for fear of disappointing somebody ! guess who’s deeply in the closet ! guess who’s mortified by this fact ! it’s hans ! he figures if a relationship has got a social benefit for him, it’s workable, but otherwise he’s not interested and is a little afraid of commitment and serious romantic feelings.

aesthetic: white horses, new leather smell, expensive cologne, heavy books, sunburn, rolling your eyes, hot tea, frustrated tears, mirrors, cold hands, sly winks, lying through your teeth, chess boards, that sinking feeling of disappointment, huffing through your nose, expensive clothes, seabirds, keeping a diary, shattered glass, being overdressed, spices, the sound of waves crashing against rocks.

character insp. aka characters he relates to: elle woods ( legally blonde ), jay gatsby ( the great gatsby ), fedya dolokhov ( war and peace ), frasier crane ( frasier ), and romeo montague ( romeo and juliet )

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

troubled friends: trouble finds trouble, misery loves company. this is a squad of misunderstood villain-types just trying to make their way in the world. ( OPEN 0 / 3 )

good influence: someone who’s a good influence on him, because lord knows he needs one. somebody who won’t get cross with him when others do. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

bad influence: somebody who encourages all the bad shit he does. someone who goads him just enough for hans to not even notice they’re doing it. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

someone who he is a bad influence to: x ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

high school sweetheart: when hans’ bad was brewing, he was dating your character. they broke up shortly after high school ended. details tbd.  ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

sailing team buddies: as it says on the tin. they’ve won awards, they’re so damn good. can have known each other for years. ( OPEN 0 / 2 )

dance partner: idk somebody in his dance class who he’s been dancing with for years. likely the closest thing hans has to a brunch buddy. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

childhood friend: lil pals growing up together !! somebody who has seen him transform over the years and may or may not be in support of that transformation. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

first same sex interaction: this person is incredibly confident in their sexuality, where hans is not. open to male or male aligned nb. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

a few ex-flings: open to any female characters. hans is a bit of a heartbreaker, which is for some people, rather attractive. ( OPEN 0 / 3 )

current string-along: somebody hans is potentially bringing home to meet his family. female character. MUST be discussed before being taken. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

[dannieclaus]

here’s my mental health awareness post that isn’t that important

hi there! i’m jem and i just turned 15. when i was a really young kid i was really shy and would cry over everything (my mom says i’m sensitive ;) which i probably am but whatever). for awhile (maybe 3-6th grade i grew out of it. in my elementary school days, i went to a catholic school and was a victim of fat shaming, racism, and some indirect homophobia (seeing as i was still figuring out my sexuality and wasn’t and still not out of the closet). from a really young age everyone expected me to be just like my big sister.

my big sister is super skinny, a great athlete, in National Junior Honors Society, took all AP classes and got a scholarship to Berkeley. she’s always been kind of the sporty nerd and while i love volleyball, schools just never been my strong suit. thankfully, i have a mom that understands that school isn’t for everyone and has accepted me as being the artsy creative one. alas, at a catholic school, you’re either the perfect child like Jems older sister, or you’re not worth our time. when my big sister Gabby went on to high school, i was starting middle school at a brand new public school.

i decided that maybe since i went to a new school, i’d be a better student, be a little less shy, and even popular (which is what i’ve always dreamed of). sixth grade was so amazing, let me tell ya! at first i had so many friends. i wore trendy clothes, i hung out with popular girls and went to high school parties, and not proudly i vaped, BRO I WAS SO COOL. then this girl (fuck it i’ll use her name) bree came along. she was honestly my best friend in the world. she introduced me to this boy (fuck it) named rylee. at first i got pretty close to him, he was my first internet friend. he was cute and a grade above me, and REALLY nice to me. i would stay up till three in the morning on school nights to talk to him. then things went downhill

he started asking for these girls (i was friends with) snaps. being a fucking dumb 11 year old i said no because I WANTED TO DATE HIM NO ONE ELSE. so when i denied he would say that he cut himself or attempted suicide. there was one day that pushed me over the edge. he said his dad found out and was sending him to a psychiatric facility. that night i was stressed so i started doing what rylee did to make himself feel better. i cut my wrists, arms, leg, stomach, neck... every inch of me was covered. i regretted it and hid it under foundation and healed it quicker with vaseline.

this gaslighting and mental abuse went on for months (december-march) and every night i cut. i found out he lied about the whole thing and that day was my first attempt. i felt stupid, embarrassed, humiliated. that day led to the loss of all my friends and that’s when the slow ride to the top of my depression began. from there began bullying, gaslighting from councilors and assistant principals (i’ll make a post about it soon as another addition.), and a really huge secret that i still struggle with.

now that it’s mental health awareness month i’d like to make a post to explain how no matter how young a kid is, you still need to support them through things you dismiss as childlike or immature. if i had a friend that i trusted to support me through that time in my life i wouldn’t have made so many bad choices and enveloped myself in mental illness like i did, that still affects me years later. now im drawn to people in similar situations because i don’t want to be someone who lets other people suffer silently. i want y’all to know that if you need anything you can talk to me. i wouldn’t trade that experience with anything because it has made me a better person. i love you all very much and just know that someone somewhere has a bigger plan for you, and someone cares.

i’m making another post sometime later this month so please blacklist the long story tag because i’m annoying

[brolikeidkman]

An ex friend of mine tried to reach out to me and this will be a post about why I will not speak to her (TRIGGER WARNING:SELF HARM, REFERENCES TO RAPE CULTURE, GENERAL INSURGENT HOMOPHOBIA)

So she reached out to me and I have severe reasons why I completely cut her out of my life. The stories will be numbered. the first one is the longest the rest are pretty short.

#1. The Birthday party.

First, she was always giving off a bad vibe. Not just being a generally grumpy person because I can( and have) dealt with that kind of thing before. She had a ton of drama that came with her because, to be honest, she is a damaged person (None of which was her fault or was a problem for the most part).

The problems that came with her problems was that she created them. Her mental issues caused her to act out in a desperate plea for attention. Now, im a very caring person and I can say that with pride because I have worked hard to be one and I don’t say it lightly. Despite how caring I am I can no longer bring myself to help her because of the way she treated the people around her and me.

First, im going to tell you about my thirteenth birthday party. This is kind of in the middle of all the stuff she did but ill try and keeps all the other events in order so you can see the build up.

So the birthday party was big for me as it was a sleepover and the first birthday party I was having with friends since the first grade. Now as I said, this was a sleepover, so I told all six of my friends that my house didn't have enough room for no one to sleep on the floor and if need be I would sleep in my bed or two people could sleep in my bed and we all discussed how the sleeping arrangements and we figured out where and how everyone would be sleeping. She had volunteered to sleep on the floor. When she got to my house she showed up with no sleep clothes, no blanket, and no pillows. So a bad start. Now I wasn’t going to get upset about it because it wasn't a big deal, but the problems didn't stop there. One of my friends I invited has a very severe allergy to milk so we ordered her her own pizza without cheese. So why did this have anything to do with ex-friend? Because she would not stop commenting on how much of a burden it was. She said we should have just ordered it half cheese and half no cheese(despite the fact that this could have hospitalized my friend) or how she should have brought her own food. (who the fuck does that.)

Then came the presents.

Two of my friends didn't get me a gift because I made it very clear if you don't know what to get me or don't think you can you don't have to get me a gift (the actual wording was “company preferred than presents”). She, however, thought present should be mandatory. My dairy allergic friend got me a stuffed animal that I still have to this day, my ex-friend that has an allergy to sawdust (which comes in later) got me a ten dollar target gift card. My artist friend gave me a drawing (which I think I still have somewhere). Now, my friend that has an allergy to sawdust (which comes in later), She got me this HUGE multicolored crayon. WHICH I LOVED! I had a really close friend in my childhood who used to make them and it was such a fond memory. this friend actually felt really bad about the gift because she thought I wouldn't like it. As I was about to tell her about just why it was so awesome the ex-friend interrupted and said that she could have given me the receipt. Which she had. The ex-friend made comments to the two that didn't bring presents that hey should have. One of them was a friend of mine for five years before (it would have been longer but I had only known her since the moment I moved in you know.) Not only had this friend already gotten me a present  she was also waiting for my actual birthday to give me another present (my birthday is in the summer so it was easier to have a birthday party a month early so I could keep contact for plans inside school) so I was pretty mad but I didn't say anything to the ex-friend because I knew she would start a fight. My old friend is very understanding about this when I tell her this.

The cake went well and there wasn't a problem because we had gotten my dairy allergic friend sherbert ( think this what its called its basically shaved ice sold like ice cream).

Then we had downtime. We played Guitar hero, played Jenga and some suggested we go outside before my art friend had to leave because she couldn't spend the night. Which was good except for two of them. The first was you-know-who and the other was my friend who is allergic to sawdust. She asked if we had done any work on our house and I said no, but that our neighbors had recently sawed down a tree.

I pointed out where it was to her and it isn't close to my house it's on the opposite side of their yard so she said it was okay and I told her to let me know if something was wrong. Now my ex-friend. Not to step on any toes here but I don't believe Ouija boards work. That being said, if someone else believes that they do work im not going to tell them otherwise. She believed they worked but she's an idiot. She told me she couldn't go outside because demons will kill her because she left a bord without saying goodbye and she was alone.(aren't those basic rules?) So we said she didn't have to go outside (which honestly was rude but we needed a break from her at this point). And then she went outside. And pretending she was possessed by demons. Which you know isn't that bad but then she had fits of crying and screaming. And then she did something that is the main reason I bringing this story up. She went to my neighbors' yard and grabbed a handful of the sawdust. AND STARTED CHASING MY FRIEND WITH IT. My friends' sawdust allergy as far from mild she would break out in hives and she had asthma. She also can’t run well because one of her legs is significantly shorter than the other. My ex-friend knew all of these things. So I tackled her. Which went better than I thought it would because she blamed it on the demons so I sent her inside to wash her hands and told my mom to make sure she did and to let me know when she did so we could go back in. My artist friends mom picked her up and then we watched a few movies, played some Minecraft and more guitar hero. Ex-friends mom picked her up at four am.

#2. You cant be that because I said so ... (warning: insurgent homophobia)

This was the year gay marriage was passed. When my friend told me about it it was a slap in the face because I hadn't known being gay was even an option. I welcomed it with warm arms and I got to know a lot of my friends closer through it and I learned a ton from them and learned a lot about my parents' views (which aren't good). Now my ex-friend (let's just call her X) decided that she wanted to explore her sexuality more and identified, in this order, as: Lesbian, genderfluid, bisexual, lesbian, trans, gay, genderfluid, no longer trans, lesbian, pansexual, bisexual. 

All of this was fine with me, and though I thought it was odd she kept jumping labels so much and so rapidly I was still there for her because I knew sexuality is a hard thing to pin down. 

During this time, however, she did many things I will never tolerate:

X told one of my friends he could not be gay because she wanted to have sexual relations with him.

Said that a questioning genderfluid couldn't be genderfluid because he didn’t feel it the same way she does. (He figured out he just really loves drag and now identifies with his birth gender wholely as well as being bisexual)

X Said that a girl was ugly because she refused to send naked photos

Stated genderfluid people don't exist (only after she decided she wasn't)

Called the cops on my friends' mom saying she was a heroin addict.

X Told a teacher she would call the cops and tell them he asked for photos if he didn't put in the grade for an assignment she didn't do (I hated that teacher but this was days after X asked the girl for photos so I talked to the guidance counselor who got the cops involved and the teacher let them look into his messages and emails and they couldn't find a trace of interaction with her besides asking her to turn in a big assignment. I found out what happened a year later after the guidance counselor retired when she thanked me for stopping a potential problem and for never causing one. I thanked her for not involving me as a witness for the police.)

X said multiple times that she willingly had sex with an older male (which worried us to all hell and we told the new guidance counselor this many times. He was later fired without a public reason)

Then X decided that she would be the one to pick which sexuality suited me best.

I don't think there is anything wrong with helping someone find an identity that suits them but not when it's unwanted and isn't helping them work it out themselves by picking the actual label themselves. She was just labeling me as she thought I should be.

She decided that I am asexual. This was very offensive to me NOT because I think badly of ANY sexuality but because:

A: I am not asexual

B: I did not ask her for advice she just came up to me and said it.

C: Said she knew an asexual when she saw one.

D: Continued to tell people I was.

I now identify as Polyamorous Aromantic.

I also was told by a friend that X was telling people that I had sex with X and that she “helped me figure out I am asexual because I didn't like it”, I could never confirm this was spread by her, but Its highly possible as she had said something similar to me about another girl. (I am to this day a virgin btw)

She told multiple people they had been faking their sexualities to go with a new trend.

#3: The Biggest reason. (WARNING: Non-graphic self-harm main topic)

After all that happened in #2 I had stopped being friends with X but this is why I completely cut her out of my life before she got expelled.

During this time I had severe depression and my family couldn't afford to get me help. I had one friend that I was really close to and he had severe mental issues including depression, bipolar disorder and he also was being physically abused by his grandfather and was mentally abused by his mom which he hid from his dad who he only saw every other weekend.

Unfortunately, he was also a cutter. He has scars now on his arms and legs and he confessed to me that he had tried to kill himself on a few occasions. He was my closest friend and he is much better nowadays. This is the questioning genderfluid friend I talked about in #2 that X said was wrong. 

Honestly, I could have gotten over every other reason that I will not talk to her except this one.

Heres what happened.

She drew cut marks on her arms and legs and said: “Hey look I’m (Cutter Friend)!”

There is a big difference between kids being mean and people who you think are your friends calling you out.

After that happened most of my friends stopped talking to her completely and if she sat at our table we would leave.

She decided she should start to actually cut herself and blame us and say we told her to do so.

Then one day she tripped me in the hall. (To be honest, I don't know why she tripped me to this day) She started doing things like this all the time she told the counselor I was cutting myself and smoking cigarettes (which led to my stuff getting searched and her getting detention when they asked me why she would say that I had them).

When she relised she couldnt target me without getting in trouble she decided to start targeting my friend.

By this time he was doing so much better. His grandfaather had died, he told his dad about his mom, and he had mostly stopped cutting unless something triggered it.

Triggered like when someone asked about it. Or when someone called him a slur.

So X decided to go up to him, grab his wrists, push up his sleeves, rake her acrilic nails down his scars and ask “What are the best brand of razors to use? Mine never cut deep enough. Should we swallow some?”

He tried to kill himself when he got home. He had to be rescued by his dad and emts after he overdosed and tried to drown himself in his bathtub. He he kept his clothes on so his dad didn’t have to see him dead and naked. He was in the hospital for a week. That was when I started cutting. 

Its my worst memory.

She eventually was expelled after she threatened multiple teachers.

When we got to Highschool she got expelled after two months for drug use, dealing, bringing alcholol into the building and eventually threatening  a shooting.

She now is saying shes coming back to my school and I refuse to respond.

[deckyshep]

Unholiest - Chapter Two

Original story by R.D. Shepard. Read Chapter One Here.

Genre(s): Historical Fiction, Supernatural, Romance Content Warnings: HIV/AIDS diagnosis, homophobia, missing person, eating disorder, grief, suicide mention, drugging Author’s Notes: Thanks for reading! This is chapter two of the Unholiest novel I’ve been writing for over a year now. This novel was heavily inspired by a TTRPG series that I’ve been a huge fan of for a long time; with the uploading of each chapter, it’ll likely become apparent which TTRPG series it is, haha. Enjoy! Summary: Mac Whelan and Drew Kelly are a young, openly gay couple in the early 1980s, living in NYC and struggling to make ends meet. It’s hard enough being out of the closet in the midst of the AIDS crisis—but when Mac suddenly goes missing, Drew struggles with the grief of losing the first man he ever loved while also dealing with the existential dread of his own mortality. When he discovers what happened to his fiancé, though... heads will roll.

It had been six months since Mac had disappeared, leaving behind nothing but a vague note explaining why he had to leave.  It had been horrible the first four months, of course; Drew only left the apartment every few weeks to get coffee grounds and filters for the coffee pot, as that was the only thing he could stomach most of the time.  He’d lost a good amount of weight – not from sickness, of course, but from being too depressed to eat.

But Deloreah and her friends brought him to the grocery store after a few months, forcing him to pick up the things he needed to survive.  It was an intervention of sorts; he’d lost his job in his depressive spiral, and they were so terrified he was just going to off himself that they had to reel him back in.

He was feeling better—no, that was a lie.  His heart was still smashed into millions of painful little shards, and even in their broken form, they throbbed, ached with pain and longing, mourning for the love of his life.  He just wasn’t as suicidal as he had been only two months ago.  He knew he had to carry on, but he didn’t know how; all he knew was that he had to at least survive.

It had been six months since Mac left him to spare him of watching his fiancé die slowly of an incurable, untreatable illness... but it had only been a few weeks since Deloreah took him to the clinic to get tested for HIV.  He’d gotten a call to return to the clinic last week, and when he heard the news, it only confirmed what he already knew: he was HIV-positive.

Dr. Stannard had offered him an experimental treatment that was showing early signs of success in fighting the virus, but he’d declined politely and left.  He stayed in his apartment for a few days, eating only a bowl of bland cereal and drinking ungodly amounts of black coffee each day. He didn’t know what to do; was there a point in doing anything if he was going to die anyway?

He wanted to say he’d came to his senses and realized this was no way to live, gone back to the doctor and volunteered for that treatment.  But that didn’t happen.  That wasn’t the reason he’d left his apartment for the first time that week on Saturday night.

It was the cut-out newspaper listing that somebody slid under his door, circled in bright red pen, that got him out tonight.  It was titled, “So You’re Dying – So Are We.”  In italics underneath that, there was a small description: “Not everything has to end the moment we find out our lives will.  Dr. Goodfellow can help you come to terms with it without exacerbating your fears.”  Underneath that, in bold, all-capital letters, was an address for an office in downtown Manhattan, maybe five blocks away from his apartment.

There he walked, dressed in Mac’s patch-covered, punk leather jacket and his own skinny jeans and boots to keep out the cold of late autumn.  He finally stopped at a bus station, pulling the clipping out of his pocket to look at the address again, then glanced up at the building in front of him: it wasn’t the tallest building he’d ever seen, but it was rather grander than he expected. The first floor with practically undamaged concrete steps leading to the mirrored glass doors had a large, elegant neon sign above the doors, labeling it as the Goodfellow Charitable Art Gallery.  As he walked up the steps, he saw the directory sign posted beside the double doors.  It seemed that Goodfellow owned this entire building, as his name was plastered in the title of every business on each floor.  And his personal office was at the very top.

Taking a breath, Drew opened the doors, stepping inside.

Right away, he felt completely out of place.  The art gallery sat upon a marbled stone floor, the art-covered walls a similar shade of painted grey but bordered in gold-painted wooden trim along every corner.  If that hadn’t been enough, the patrons of the current gallery showing were all dressed like billionaires; every woman wore a fur-lined coat and expensive kitten heels, while every man wore a flawless three-piece suit, each looking like it was tailored by a Gucci designer.  He instantly received a few disgusted looks, but he ignored them the best he could, walking through the gallery to find the building’s elevator.

“Well, hello.” Someone caught his arm, and when he looked back, he saw the most intimidatingly beautiful woman he’d ever seen in his life.  She was much taller than him, especially in her knee-high, green velvet boots and extremely short, body-con black dress.  Her strawberry blond hair was pinned into a bob atop her head, a few perfectly curled locks hanging down to frame her freckled, pale face.  Her makeup looked intentionally heavy, from her long, thick lashes to her glossy pink lips.  But the things that caught his attention the most were her eyes, as they nearly glowed an emerald green.  She grinned eagerly, softly squeezing his thin bicep in her hand.  “You don’t look like you belong here... but the most interesting people don’t.  What’s your name?”

Drew plucked her hand off his arm gently, giving a tight but polite smile.  “Drew Kelly.  But I’m... Sorry, I'm not here for the gallery.  Do you know where the elevator to the doctor’s office is?”

Her eyes seemed to glint in curiosity.  “You’re here to see Goodfellow? Interesting.” She glanced over his leather jacket, amused by the sheer number of patches sewn into it.  “Goodfellow put that advertisement in the paper after his daughter was diagnosed with leukemia.  I don’t know if he’s in his office, but...”  Her vivid eyes returned to gaze into his, tilting her head with another smile.  “If someone like you has the boldness to march into this gallery just to see him, what is stopping the rest of us?”  Drew furrowed his brow in response, and she giggled, pointing a long finger behind her, where a hallway hid behind one of the separated gallery walls.  “The elevator is down that hallway.  Would you mind if I joined you, Drew?”

He stared at her, trying to determine her motive for a few seconds before he sighed.  “That’s... fine, I guess.”

“Wonderful.”  She turned, elegantly shuffling past other patrons toward the hallway, and he followed cautiously but closely behind.

The elevator at the end of the hallway was a stark difference in aesthetic compared to the gallery – it was a simple metal elevator with two buttons with arrows on them, one pointing up and the other pointing down.  She pressed her thumb into the button pointing upward, and it glowed faintly red as the elevator doors opened.  They both stepped inside the small elevator, and the woman quickly looked over the several buttons lining the side, all numbered in order, pressing the top button – the tenth floor.  The doors shut, and the elevator began its ascent, a soft instrumental tune playing over the speakers in the ceiling.

The woman turned to him with a sudden gasp.  “Oh, how absolutely rude of me! I never introduced myself.”  She brushed her perfect hair away from her eyes with a few fingers; Drew noticed she had a simple, gold wedding band on her left ring finger.  “My name is Professor Lana Bixby.  I am the curator of tonight’s gallery showing.”

Drew felt his throat go cotton dry.  “I-- It’s, ah, nice to meet you, Lana.”

“Please, I prefer Lane.” She smiled, absently looking over the walls of the elevator.  “‘Drew Kelly’ sounds awfully familiar as a name.  I feel like I’ve heard it recently.”

Drew’s gaze lowered to the floor.  “You might be thinking of Drew Carey.  That’s what my friends nicknamed me.”

Lane raised an eyebrow at him, glancing over for just a second before she returned her eyes to the elevator’s progress above the doors.  They’d made it to the fifth floor already.  “I’m sure that’s a common misattribution.  But that’s not who I’m thinking of... Why, I’m certain I heard someone mention a Drew Kelly at some point.” Drew suddenly looked over at her with narrowed eyes, examining her face, as though he would try to read her mind through her expression.  Yet she was smiling curiously as she watched each floor number glow atop the elevator doors. “Oh well.  Perhaps it’ll come to me later.”

She was toying with him. But why?

The elevator suddenly beeped loudly, and the elevator doors opened, revealing a long red-painted hallway adorned with gold frames holding paintings of many kinds.  Several expensive-looking, matching rugs covered the grey, marbled tile floor between several heavy-looking doors lining the walls directly across from each other.  At the end of the hallway, maybe fifty feet forward, was another heavy wooden door with a metal plaque at eye level that read “Dr. Cyrus Goodfellow” in engraved cursive.

Drew felt his heart start to pound, but Lane nonchalantly made her way toward the door, glancing back at him as she walked.  “Oh, Drew. Don’t tell me you’re scared, now. Goodfellow’s a good fellow.”  She winked, turning back to the door and stopping in front of it.  He swallowed hard but quickly followed, standing beside her with his fingers nervously twitching in his jacket’s pockets.  As soon as she sensed his presence next to her, she knocked her fist against the door. “Cyrus, darling.  I’m sorry to bother, but there’s a young man here to see you.”

There was a moment of silence... and then he heard a deep voice muffled behind the door.  “Bring him in.”

Lane smiled at Drew, motioning toward the door.  “After you, lovely.”

Drew took a deep breath, twisting the doorknob and opening the door.  The first thing he saw was a dark office, only dimly lit by a green and gold string lamp atop a desk, where an older white man, possibly in his forties and with golden hair slicked back by gel, sat in a rich leather desk chair, a curious look on his face.

The last thing he saw was a delicate, pale hand reaching up to his face from behind him, holding a soaked paper towel that was subsequently forced against his nose.

[nacrp]

lore release: cultural attitudes!

No silly character introduction here, folks; instead the staff would like to make a world building note. The real world is tough enough, and we wanted to create a fantasy world where the playing field was more fair. Simply put: racism, misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia do not exist in Aarne. Ableism exists to a minor extent solely because of the limits of medicine, magic, and technology, not because disabled people are seen as a curse. POC occupy noble houses & positions of prestige; gender exists on a spectrum & magical potions can be used as Ye Olde HRT; women can slay dragons and men can be seamsters. While there are major stigmas, taboos, and conflicts in Aarne, they will not be based on race, gender, sexual orientation, or disability.

Disabilities & Medicine. Disabilities that a person is born with, whether physical or neurological, are not viewed as a curse or a reflection of the parents’ morality. Medicine in Aarne, however, is not advanced enough to treat all disabilities equally. People rely on magic to treat both physical and mental illness, but magic is not foolproof—and despite its transformative properties, it cannot help someone to regrow a lost limb, lost eye, etc. Prosthetics are not terribly advanced either, although watchmakers have been inventive in creating springs and gears to increase functionality. People with disabilities can meet a wide variety of responses: a physical disability as a result of some heroic deed will be looked upon favorably, but a physical disability as a result of a mistake or failure will be scoffed at. Disability is also treated differently between the upper and lower classes; because of their money, nobility are able to afford accessibility, but the fewer social expectations and proprieties of the common folk may be better suited to people with neurological differences.

Hygiene. The poets will write sonnets dedicated to your rotted teeth and smelly feet. Hygiene in Aarne isn’t the best; people don’t bathe regularly and plumbing hasn’t been invented yet. Some characters may be more aware of their own personal hygiene than others, but this is on an individual basis and society isn’t super concerned about it. People don’t understand what causes disease, why disease spreads, or how hygiene impacts this. In Aarne, people still believe in spontaneous generation and that your soul can leave your body when you sneeze.

Education. “what up i’m jared i’m 19 and i never fucking learned how to read” is the mantra of the majority of the population of Aarne. The nobility are the only people who can afford tutors for their children, but common folk may receive informal structures of education from village scribes. Libraries exist on a small scale, and consist mostly of a single person’s personal collection of books.

Work. Among the common folk, finances are so bad that everyone has to work in order to contribute to the household’s monetary resources. Depending on what their parents’ profession is, children may help milk cows, deliver shoes, help thieving parents to pickpocket, and so on. Becoming a merchant, a knight, or a city guard are the highest paying professions for a common person. Advisors to the king, diplomats to other countries, and other government jobs are reserved for nobility.

Names. If you’re looking to change your identity or evade taxes, you’ve come to the right place: record keeping in Aarne is a disaster, due in part to the fact that there is no single system of naming. Among the nobility, fixed surnames—which pass on from generation to generation—are necessary due to the importance of heritage, ancestry, and inheritance. Common folk, however, are less likely to use fixed surnames, and may not utilize surnames at all. Marriage does not require one specific gender to sacrifice their surname to another; noble families decide between themselves who will adopt which last name, and common folk may hyphenate or create a port manteau. Because surnames are so unreliable, people in Aarne are generally known by their first name and a descriptor of some kind, e.g, Jiang the Golden.

Marriage. To borrow lyrics from an Elle King song, “love is for the poor.” And even that isn’t always correct. Across classes, marriage is seen as an arrangement of mutual benefit. For nobility, marriage is a way of cementing an alliance or an agreement, and for common folk, marriage is a way of pooling resources. Lower classes, however, do have the luxury of being more able to marry for love; this is almost unheard of among nobility. It is extremely frowned upon for a noble person to marry a commoner, as there is no clear benefit to such an arrangement. No person can be married before the age of 18 in Aarne, as this is the age when they are legally and culturally considered adults. Marriages between people of the same gender are all equally valid. The law permits only marriages between two adults, but polyamorous marriages are culturally (if not legally) recognized in some villages.

Marriage Practices. Followers of The Under generally marry in the large cathedrals that have been erected in honor of the Under Mother. Followers of The Over generally marry outside, so that the gods of nature can witness the union (and intervene, if they do not approve; a sudden rainstorm on your wedding day or a falling tree near the altar are examples of signs that two people in The Over should not be married). Followers of The All-Around generally marry during transitional times—dawn, dusk, spring, autumn—because they consider marriage itself a transition from life as one soul into life as two souls. Before any wedding occurs, a religious official of The All-Around will attempt to contact the ancestors of the two people involved to see if they approve. Noble weddings are lavish affairs planned far in advance, with no expense considered too great. Obviously because the lower classes have less money, weddings are less grandiose. The exchanging of rings is typically only done among nobility, while the lower classes opt for more symbolic gestures, such as exchanging lockets with locks of hair inside or receiving matching tattoos. All weddings are considered religious, and are overseen by a religious official of some kind.

Divorce. Marriage, in Aarne, is meant to be an “until death do us part” situation, as it is both religiously and legally binding. Divorce on the grounds of unhappiness or irreconcilable differences is only permitted by The All-Around, and even then the marriage cannot be dissolved unless deceased ancestors grant permission. There is a stigma against people who divorce, even when they do so for the single reason all of Aarne accepts: childlessness. There is a stigma against couples who are unable to produce children, to the point where that snazzy genius King Odder has decreed that any marriage that does not produce a child within three months of marriage must be dissolved. (No, he doesn’t realize pregnancy lasts nine months. No, this policy is not clear about whether this means one party must become pregnant within three months of marriage or give birth within three months.) King Odder isn’t the best at following through on his decrees, so the results of this have been haphazard at best—most people are sitting tight and hoping their marriage goes unaffected. Some couples have lied about having children or have presented swaddled turnips and kittens as evidence of progeny, and it works.

Children. Children are viewed as the object that cements the permanence of a marriage. Obtaining divorce after having a child is much more difficult. Because of infant mortality & childhood mortality rates, couples are encouraged to have as many children as they can in the hopes that at least one will survive. Adoption is valid route to parenthood. Becoming pregnant out of wedlock is a huge taboo, and these children are unfortunately the victims of societal scorn. Those who father children out of wedlock are equally as ostracized as the mothers.

Sex & Birth Control. Herbal remedies that prevent pregnancy are available to people of all genders, although they are not foolproof. It is uncommon in Aarne to value virginity. Premarital sex is accepted so long as it does not lead to the conception of a child out of wedlock, which either leads to an illegitimate child or the embarrassment of an unfavorable marriage. Although marriage is rarely for love, having sex or a relationship with someone other than one’s spouse is considered risky; it’s almost worse to be married and have an illegitimate child than to be unmarried and have one. It isn’t outright taboo, but it is something that people may squint at because it can be seen as a betrayal to the allegiance that the marriage was supposed to cement. Unfortunately there is some stigma attached to sex workers because they are (wrongly) associated with murder, fraud, illegitimate children, and extreme poverty. Sex workers are trying to correct this perception and earn more rights by forming a union.

[sundrenched-smilez]

odd numbers for the lesbian asks! (if it's too many just do every 4th one maybe?)

1. Femme or butch? 

for type, im vry easily wooed by butches tbh

as for myself, im genderfluid + heavily lean towards butch-ish for one gender + have been gettin more comf w that term for myself. the 3 genders i switch between, ive described as sharp, dainty and tired, for reason of not really being comf w gender labels aside from nonbinary. sharp/tired r kinda butchish, moreso sharp. like leather jackets, ripped jeans, dress pants/shirts, defs flannels (which r a given for any mood im in tbh) while tired is like mb softer, more focused on flannels + loose tank tops/shirts, shorts + certain skirts, comfy clothes, and the like   

ive found that i’m leaning more towards butch lately too, like i’ve been a lot more comfortable with pants and a nice top than i have w dresses or most skirts + im wondering if i was just hanging on to femininity for sake of society, so those r things 2 think abt. i still feel comf in them sometimes, but it’s getting much less often. gender’s weird, i still cant cling to one bc of how pressuring that is so genderfluidity is still smth for me + it shifting to different percentages is okay (im thinking out loud @ this point, but its helping so i hope its interesting to read)

3. Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

both, but primarily flannels/plaid buttion-ups

5. Describe your aesthetic

aaahh theres a lot of diff aesthetics i could go into, but i have a tag if ur interested in a visual representation? basically, cosy homes, forests, wooden steps and bridges, cats, girls/nbs, water, plants, and old video game stuff, and clouds/skies. i’m sure there’s more in there, but for a good rule of thumb !! as for like dressing aesthetic, i like to look rly gay + attractive and a lil showy? like my shorts r Short and i love crop tops + a lot of my shirts show my bra thru them, + i like showing it when i can, like sports bra + a tank top is a fav look of mine bc i can make it look like my bra is a trim on the shirt + it’s cute. i’ve been wearing dresses less often, but occasionally, i like to rock one. id love a pair of combat boots but i have like size 11/12 feet + most stores dont carry that size + im hesitant to buy some online. 

7. Favorite pair of shoes?

its rly hard to find any, i have like walmart converse knockoffs atm + theyre a beige/grey color im not that huge on, it kinda reminds me of sandalwood but depressed

9. Any haircut goals for the future? 

there was the undercut!! and i have that down now c: next step is to dye it blue and mb some purple. i wanna bleach it if i’m gonna dye it, but im hesitant to do that bc of how damaging it is, but since my hair’s been cut a cpl time almost all the color is out now, so i think itll b ok if i take good care of it. 

11. Describe the worst date you’ve been on

i went to a cafe w someone (i think they were nb but i cant remember, it was like 2 yrs ago about ) and they were impossible to talk to bc they just kept saying “im awkward sorry” @ everything and like any conversations i tried to maintain were all one-shot responses, and like that was a lil frustrating. like i dont hold it against them or anything, more in a sense of i was rly tryin 2 carry it and just couldnt 

13. If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

whooh i wish i was taken, i need affection + to b cute w someone 

15. Describe your dream wedding

hmmmm i havent thought much about it !! i know when i was younger i wanted to wear a black wedding dress but now im thinkin mb a suit that switches to dress @ the bottom?? that could b cool. I’d be happy w anything tbh, if im getting married, i’d just b happy to be w my wife/spouse. mb somewhere in a forest or on a boat would b cool, defs lots of good food and colorful flowers. I’d like a lot of color, most weddings ive been to are just b/w and bland for my taste (they’ve also all been straight tho so theres that.) it’s kind of wild to think that i might b married someday, but it’d b rly nice. i just haven’t thought much abt the planning of one. it’d b rly gay tho, probs give out tiny gay flags at each seat, and the cake could b lesbian flag colors. im rly drawing a blank on this, but i know id want all my friends around the country + world to be there. 

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

i definitely want to live in a port town at some point !! idk where i’d like to settle down, ideally somewhere that doesnt get much hotter than 90 degrees + has lots of parks + is big enough for some events, like pride stuff, little festivals, a farmer’s market, and places to do things, such as a movie theater, bowling alley, mb an aquarium, if not one in a nearby town. hiking trails r also good. 

19. Favorite lesbian novel/story?

on a sunbeam!!! its a huge inspiration for me, and i love it so much. it always puts me in such a good mindset when i read it, and the artist is my age, so it makes me feel like I can also accomplish great things if i rly put my heart into it!! which is such a good feeling, and it has great representation + characters that i love, and its rly gay, and in space and theres ships shaped like fish + its gorgeous : D i could go on for hrs abt it + how important it is to me. theres an nb character too, and like the aspect of found families is one that rly hits home and it helped me get thru a rough time of my life + better accept myself as queer/gay. 

21. Favorite lesbian musician?

adult mom (tho i think they’re bi but still gay), or hayley kiyoko

23. Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i think so, but i can’t place when, it’s been a bit. 

25. Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

talking abt being gay w other girls/nbs is lovely and cathartic, i never got to growing up bc i lived in a homophobic town + i was like dealing heavily with internalized homophobia and body/gender dysphoria so i was ace for a bit. talking more abt like sexual attraction + aesthetic attraction is new to me, and that’s been a process to get to, but it’s nice that I can now do so w/o being belittled or barraged by insult. i also just love the thought of being w someone, and daydreaming abt when that happens is really nice. also,, girls + nbs r a blessing and brighten my day and im so glad im attracted 2 them 

27. Turn ons?

absolutely communication, that’s a need. i had a bad experience w someone bc she wasn’t communicative at all, and failed to tell me that we weren’t dating despite us going on several dates + kissing??? like i wont go too into it, but hatchi matchi it was a mess. so yeah, communication, affection, and like reassurance that they actually want to be with me, and that my presence is wanted and enjoyed. I got a lot of “i dont care”s for answers last sort-of relationship, and that was rly discouraging. another turn on is for them to initiate talking and things, like holding hands or planning to hang out + such. consent is another big one. 

29. Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

i usually tend to ask them out, but im still dealing w internalized junk, so its difficult. i also havent any situations in which they liked me back, which is frustrating. like i got lead on earlier summer for abt a month until i asked what we were doing + didnt rly get an answer, and it was this whole mess. i generally try to make the first move tho, bc i know firsthand how difficult it is, but that being said, it’s still hard for me to know for sure if theyre interested + i dont wanna make things uncomf w them, so i’ll wait until i think there might b attraction. that being said, once that’s all out of the way, i like to consider myself a good flirt when im trying. 

31. Talk about your interests or hobbies!

i have lots of interests!! im obsessed w steven universe, its my fav show (and if u ever have time, we should totally watch it together sometime, i rly think you’d love it, it’s super gay + heartwarming.) i really love playing music and learning new songs, which im rly great at memorizing. talking to friends + gettin 2 know them better is always nice and fun. i like to draw new things + see the different ways ppl draw, so seeing art on here is always fun for me. i’m also rly into polygon videos (it’s a youtube channel, not like videos abt polygon haha) and this podcast called the adventure zone. season one just ended, so i might start listening to another one called friends at the table. i rly wanna start a podcast w someone, but can never find anyone to start it with. idk what I’d talk abt but if i could find a partner for it, i think it’d be a lot of fun. mb smth abt games or books/queer representation in media. doing a dnd podcast would also b rly fun, but a lot of work + editing so mb later down the road !! im blanking on other interests atm, but animations and cartoons r lovely and i aim to make something in that field one day, if not just a comic.

my hobbies r mostlyyyy drawing, dnd things now every thursday, hanging w my friends, playing video games, sometimes writing (i rly wanna start a comic, and im tryin to get my butt into gear on it), goin to parks, listening to music, and goin 2 events w roe + cesar, two of my friends. sometimes ill play music!! i need to get more than the keyboard i’m lending, but i love performing. ill also watch leg birds on youtube, theyre a lesbian couple that plays gams + theyre rly sweet. 

33. Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

its easy for me to love friends, doesnt usu take me more than a few months of knowing them if were talking a lot. as for falling in love, that takes me a lot longer. ive never rly been in love w someone. i thought i was once, but rly it was just my first gay experience w someone and i wanted it to be perfect so i projected a lot of things + made it better than it seemed to myself for the duration of it, which wasn’t healthy, so i wanna avoid doing that again, + take things slower next time. or at least for what they are. 

35. Ever fallen for a straight girl?

a few times, they were just crushes tho, so it wasnt too too bad

37. Favorite comfort food?

hot cocoa or tea. as for food food, i dont think i have one. mb french toast or cinnamon rolls. 

39. Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

i used to be a vegetarian!! for like a yr, but it was difficult for me to eat and feel full, and i was pretty underweight, so i stopped. 

41. Early-riser or night-owl?

both, i tend to stay up, but getting up early can be nice if i dont have to do anything. like just gently waking + making some tea and a nice breakfast + sittin around for a bit. 

43. What is your Myers-Briggs type?

enfp-a 

45. At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

i think like 16-17? it took me a bit to get words for identity, like lesbian/nonbinary and the like, but i always knew, like id call myself an individual as opposed to gendered terms that i was referred to, and always felt rly yucky w deadname + the wrong pronouns

47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

ive got one crush atm !! and another person who seems nice, but i wanna hang out w before like thinking abt a crush (im poly, which perhaps goes w/o saying, but i always like to state it when talking abt these things, jic )

49. Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

i’d like a partner or two, to get some bongos- i got to play some a couple weeks ago, and it was the most fun i’ve had playing anything!! having smth with an instant response that i could make up rhythms with was really rewarding and so much fun. i know i want a cat at some point, to go on cute dates + cuddle and kiss a lot w someone, to visit my friends in other places, dye my hair, get a better job, to travel a bit, make a comic, go to college for animation and storyboarding, mb go to camp at some point, and I’d like to make some more friends here, i’m already making some, which i’m super happy about, but it’s always nice meeting new ppl 

thank u for asking!! this was relaxing + fun, and a lot of the topics were cathartic to talk about, and i needed it. so thanks for listening too kinda

also im queen of commas, i’ve discovered while typing this

[bejaermi]

Two Mondays ago Jemele Hill from ESPN was suspended for asking fans to boycott the advertisers of the Dallas Cowboys. Her tweet was in response to a new rule made by the Cowboys and Jerry Jones, who two weeks before kneeled with his team in solidarity and then did a reversal and announced he’d fire/suspend any player who kneeled during the National Anthem. Jones’s actions have now spurred a debate between owners who are conflicted over what rules to place on a league that is almost 80 percent black. [1] Like many others Jemele was upset the owner of the richest franchise in the NFL would respond so harshly to his players exercising their first amendment rights. So she went to Twitter and told people to stop buying Dallas Cowboys merchandise.

Then in response to another tweet she said fans should go further and boycott the advertisers and sponsors of the Cowboys.

For this ESPN suspended her citing that she had violated their social media policy. Seeing that they were fine with (mostly) men attacking her on her Twitter feed and saying nothing, so it seems suspect to many that now ESPN is concerned about Hill’s social media account. Unless you remember that ESPN is an actual company, and Jemele Hill is only an employee. Oh and she’s a black woman.

Hill did not start this war, she’s merely a casualty, along with Colin Kaepernick. The title of shitstarter belongs to our 45th president who, has not passed any major legislation in the last 9 months, and decided to stir up an imaginary controversy to accost the NFL and its players. The outward reasons for this war are unclear, and are only a blip in the line of idiotic things this president has done in the last year. #45 loves conflict. Whether it’s John McCain, a Gold Star Family, or little Marco Rubio, Donald J. Trump likes to stir the pot. And now that he’s commander-in-chief he owns the big spoon. As for definitive reasons on why Trump talked about Kaepernick and called him a son-of-a-bitch is anyone’s guess. Only #45 really knows why he did it. Critics have speculated that as president he’s getting back at his enemies in a way he never could before. (Trump’s hatred and/or jealously of the NFL goes all the way back to the 1980s when he was the owner of the USFL New Jersey Generals and sued the NFL for anti-trust violations.)[2] Maybe he said what he said because he needed a diversion when he spoke to the great people of Alabama, (where he was campaigning for Luther Strange, but instead campaigned for himself and possibly the 2020 election),would love to hear. Or he was just his usual Queens, NY self [3] and used a person of color as a shield so his constituency wouldn’t see that he’s clueless when it comes to how to run the country.

  Again, no one knows for sure, but the fact is that on September 23rd, Trump declared war on the players of the NFL, especially Colin Kaepernick, whom though he didn’t mention directly, the implication was crystal clear. Trump then went further and distorted what Kaepernick and other players were doing. Telling the audience that they were disrespecting the flag and shitting on America.

  “That’s a total disrespect of our heritage. That’s a total disrespect of everything that we stand for…Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, you’d say, ‘Get that son of a bitch off the field right now Out! He’s fired!’ “[4]

  The roar of the crowd is deafening, then the chants of “USA! USA! USA!”,  start. Trump, in his candy cane colored tie and his dark untailored suit smiles like a triumphant svengali. He walks back and forth, throwing his hands in the air, as though telling imaginary political aides, “See, I told you, they’re like putty in my hands.”  Trump then walks back to the podium ready to sort of help Luther Strange. Whom everyone knows has taken a huge backseat to the omnibus that is Donald Trump and a Trump rally. [5] He was never there to help Luther anyway, he barely knew who Luther was. He just wanted the roaring cheers from the crowd and the soundbites that he knew would make the Evening News. Trump took a small issue that was really only discussed by sports journalists, black folks, and stalwart football fans and made it a national story filled with angst and hate against players who are just demonstrating their first amendment rights.

  President Trump may understand that there is a constitution, but he doesn’t like the parts that give citizens rights, except for the 2nd amendment. Protests are and will always be part of the American fabric. But protests are meant to be confrontational, they are meant to disturb and disrupt. See the Civil Rights Movement, the Women’s Movement, and the Black Lives Matter Movements. As a citizen, Trump, like Jemele Hill and Colin Kaepernick, has the right to speak his mind on the NFL. But why would a president insert himself into what is simply a labor matter. No one asked him a question like they did President Obama when Skip Gates was arrested outside his home and what eventually lead to the “Beer Summit”,[6] Trump decided to get his constituents riled up against some black boys, albeit rich black boys, but black boys none the less. While we can all agree that Trump should be more worried about North Korea, we also have to concede, that he’s not the first person to suggest that Kaepernick be ostracized, nor is he even the first to suggest that kneeling should be prohibited. [7] But unlike Hue Jackson (coach of the Cleveland Browns) who has some skin in the game, Trump’s has no skin that is remotely near the game. What he does have is a mind  filled with bile and vitriol, and his words tend to infect anyone who believes them.

After the president spoke and the Dallas Cowboys knelt during the anthem, while their fans booed, and the Pittsburgh Steelers (except for Alejandro Villenueva) stayed in their tunnel instead of standing up for the anthem and Ray Lewis did his “half protest prayer.” Fans took to their social media sites and burned Kaepernick jerseys, Steelers paraphernalia and any item that had anything to with any player that dared to exert their first amendment rights.  Yells of , “Protest on your on time!” or “I will never support anyone who doesn’t support our troops or our flag!” were pasted on websites, Twitter and broadcast on the Evening News. These same “patriots”, also went online and added Mike Tomlin to an imaginary lists of  “no-good niggers”.[8] This is what a few moments of our president’s speech moves citizens to do, not only deny their fellow citizens their constitutional rights but creates hate tsunamis.

  Which brings us back to Jemele Hill.  Jemele[9] is no stranger to bringing her experiences and speaking her mind on issues that intersect social and sports issues. A lot of her writing and reporting is similar to that of Robin Givhan of the Washington Post, who interposes fashion with social issues and the feminist gaze, giving the reader a more nuanced and fuller look at what the fashion world really is. Jemele does the same thing. In 2005 she was the only black woman sports journalist working for a major newspaper. She’s paid her dues, she spent six years at the Detroit Free Press covering Michigan State sports, where she is also an alumni. Her opinion on Sheryl Swoopes coming out as lesbian was clearly based in a feminist gaze that analyzed sports while making room for a critique about rampant over masculinity,

“Sorry, but Swoopes’s coming-out doesn’t have enough shock value to make us learn anything. Lesbians don’t pose a threat and have a certain appreciation in a male-dominated culture. And sadly, the prevailing stereotypes of female athletes as lesbians will probably reduce Swoopes’s emotional admission to a raunchy, tasteless joke by the end of the week. The only way we’re going to address homophobia in sports is if Peyton Manning, the NFL’s MVP last season, makes a similar disclosure. Or Brett Favre. Or Michael Jordan.”[10]

She also compared the Barry Bonds drugging scandal with the invisible case against Lance Armstrong in 2006. She claimed that race was instrumental in the investigation, when it was clear there was as much circumstantial evidence against Armstrong as there was against Bonds.[11] (In an Oprah Winfrey 2013 interview, Lance Armstrong admitted to doping and had his tour de France championships taken from him. )[12] You only have to look at her Twitter feed every day especially the hour before she anchors ESPNs main Sportscenter at 6p every weeknight (with her co-host Michael Smith.) Many of the tweets are vulgar, misogynistic, and openly racist in nature, and most have almost nothing to do with her on-air performance.

  Many of the purveyors of “ill will” to Jemele are white men of all ages and from all across the country.  Jemele answers almost of all of the “well wishers” individually in order to let them know their ignorance and their vileness will not and has not deterred her from spreading her what she knows is right.[13] And like many women of color, Jemele learned what was right by learning from other women in her family. In Jemele’s case her grandmother.[14]

The vein of doing what was right and continuing to speak truth to power, last month Jemele called the president, “A White Supremacist.”

  She pissed off a lot of people. She also energized a lot of folks, especially black women.

But is Jemele’s statement true?  The President and his Press Secretary don’t agree. And as a result they were the first to call for Jemele’s dismissal from ESPN.

…but I think that’s one of the more outrageous comments anyone could make and certainly something that I think is a fireable offense by ESPN.

-Sarah Huckabee Sanders  9/15/17[15]

Why is the President worried about a sports journalist? The easy answer, because she dared to say anything negative against the President. This president has the thinnest skin of any president in modern history. Which is especially astounding since president #44 was the first black president, and #43 was the president who was in office when 9/11 happened. If those presidents took the criticism that was doled out to them, why can’t Trump. The only obvious reason is that Jemele is a black woman in a very white male profession. Like racism, misogyny is a problem that America doesn’t want to acknowledge exists. Yet if the Harvey Weinstein story is any indication, we’ll have to address it sooner than later. The critics, the media, even Trump’s aides are afraid to dig further into what Trump’s racial ideology is. They can’t stomach that their fellow citizens, maybe even family members, elected a bigot. Even his own aides don’t know. In Charlottesville when he waited until his third press conference to condemn white supremacists, no one was sure whether he was just ignorant, a white supremacist or white supremacist adjacent.

In the meantime Jemele kept being Jemele.  She continued to tweet about Insecure, defend herself against trolls, and comment on social issues that intersected with her job, covering sports. Her comments regarding the president only reiterated what much of the President’s own cabinet is saying about him. (Rex Tillerson thinks his boss is a fucking moron like many of us do. A statement that Tillerson later refused to dignify with an answer, which means of course that he said it.)[16] After she called the president a white supremacist and she went to the president of ESPN and cried in his office explaining that she never meant to bring shame to the company or to her colleagues. She wasn’t admitting she existed wrong (because she’s entitled to her opinion, especially when it’s right), but she was doing what so many women of color do, recognizing an error in her delivery, but not in the substance. The way you know that your ex-husband is an asshole, you will continue to treat him like one, but you probably shouldn’t call him an asshole in front of your children.

But as her tweeting continued, NFL players had started kneeling in larger

numbers. Where her  first tweets had been born in response to Trump’s actions regarding Charlottesville, Trump’s tweets were now targeted at Jemele and how she had single handedly brought down ESPN rating. The ball was now in Jemele’s court, repsonding was never a question. The question was would her bosses have her back this time? Trump  was making statements about sports and how sports management should be carried out.  How could she resist taking him on? She’s a journalist, who has written for ESPN.com, was a sports journalist with “His and Hers,” has battled with many of the best sports writers and reporters and has held her own. She’s not merely eye candy,  the way some women sportcasters are displayed though she is incredibly attractive, has a fabulous hair/makeup team and dresses fiercely when she’s on the screen, she is the real deal. A Michigan State alumni who is a fierce Spartan fan, she can hang with the “boys” on predictions, fantasy football rankings, what an injury report can mean, and what a football formation looks like. (Yes, Cam Newton, there are actually women who know football, can wear a knee high boot, and win the sports pool.) [17] Jemele is the culmination of what happens when a young black woman decides to combine the social realities of the US with sports. She sees and understand the juncture of both and as a result she takes the mantle from male journalists like Mike Lupica, Jimmy Breslin, and William Rhoden and puts a spin on sports stories that show that the political is always personal. Trump had just made his quips and nonsense political statements personal.

  After his infamous Alabama speech,  the NFL showed a rare and swift sense of brotherhood and solidarity; by protesting against a micromanaging president who had no business trying to control them. The shows of owners and their teams kneeling, linking arms, and some not showing up at all were remarkable, if not exactly authentic. It wasn’t as if any of the owners were going to hire Kaerpernick while giving the president the proverbial middle finger. In fact, CK was almost forgotten in the two weeks after the president’s comment. Instead message became, “either honor the flag the right way or take your privileged ass somewhere else.” The term that was on many of my threads were “Oppressed Millionaires.” As though black millionaires were immune to the brutalism and microagressions that occur in America. Ask the Seattle Seahawks, at least four of their players have been stopped, detained or arrested by police for no reason.[18]

While Charlottesville was the impetus for Jemele’s first tweet, her second tweet to boycott the Cowboy’s sponsors was tied to  the backpedaling of the NFL. As of a week ago rumors were flying that the NFL was going to suspend or fine those who didn’t stand for the Star Spangled Banner. Then Jerry Jones not only backpedaled he did a somersault and said he would fire anyone who did not honor the flag or the fans. Is anyone really surprised that Jerry Jones did that? (I was more surprised he was kneeling.) Dallas Cowboys merchandise is the number one merchandise sold in the NFL shop. The Steelers, Patriots, Raiders, and 49ers are some of the other the other teams that bring millions of dollars to the owners who receive amlost all of the proceeds from those sales. Jones also backslided because the viewership and the attendance for NFL games have slipped significantly. And the lukewarm response from owners, Roger Goddell and the NFL towards scandals like the CTE coverup, deflated footballs and explicit cheating, domestic abuse, and Colin Kaepernick have made the public leary of the NFL. The public is choosing to watch repeats of Everyone Loves Raymond and the Golden Girls over the boring games that come on every Sunday night with Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth. Jones and his fellow owners are worried. They have huge stadiums paid by taxpayers, they are their own economic tsunamis and if they lose public approval they are dead. What to do? Well take the side of the president of course.

ESPN is a company that has chosen not to examine Trump’s ideology beliefs, but instead to take the middle ground. Instead they decided to take the pussy way out and stand by their money.  Specifically they supported their advertisers and sponsors more than they did the anchor of their flagship show. a sponsor stance. There was no way that they could lose their major sponsors on their main sportscast of the day. Men came home from work to just sit in front of Sportscenter, possibly with their hands down the front of the their pants, but we can’t know for sure. The last thing that these Bud drinking, Stihl having, John Deere mowing, and Ford F-150 driving would tolerate seeing is a black woman talking about politics with their sports.  They still haven’t accepted that Jemele Hill has the job she has, now she wants them to think too? And the sponsors jumped at the chance to not take a side and instead threatened to pull their ads unless action was taken.  But one of the tipping points were the ESPN employees themselves.

If there were many ESPN employees in agreement with Jemele, it was hard to find one in the tweets and emails that were “leaked” to the press. Many of Jemele’s colleagues  were upset about what Jemele said and wanted some kind of discipline put on her. Many referred to other journalists who had been fired or “phased out” after they used words and references that were out of bounds and none of them were to the president. But ESPN has never been consistent when disciplining their journalists, Bill Simmons was disciplined when he spoke out against Roger Goddell, but Colin Cowherd wasn’t disciplined when he spoke out against Sean Taylor.[19] I’m not sure how ESPN can continue to keep up the façade of neutrality when they pay their journalist to also be commentators and opinion makers. What do you think the NFL Insiders on NFL countdown are? They may know the game, but they (Chris Mortensen, Louis Riddick, and Adam Schefter) get their information from the various NFL Deep Throats and reporting that “news” as fact. They are like the Hot Topics bunch on Wendy Williams.

And while ESPN has suspended Jemele, the NBA has not suspended Greg Popovitch, LeBron James, and Stephen Curry for their free speech about the President. Nor has the NFL (and now according to Roger Goddell they won’t) fine/suspend any of the players (current or former) who have kneeled in the past or will kneel in the future. (That’s good news for Ray Lewis, he won’t have to pretend kneel this time.) Other men have also come out for Jemele, black male sportcasters of the NABJ have come out in support of Jemele.  Mike Lupica wrote that Jemele has the right to speak her truth at ESPN. Dave Zirin has been a staunch supporter of Jemele’s writing pieces and arguing on Twitter about Jemele’s right to free speech.

Jemele felt that was inexcusable and said so. ESPN had already changed face and suspended her, for what they felt was insubordination. Yet other white male sportscasters had also called for a boycott and decried the stomping of players rights.[20]In fact many journalists had called for a boycott of the entire season, citing all the problems the NFL had including Kaepernick. But none of those writers were fired, suspended or disciplined. Again, what does Jemele have that many of the sports journalists don’t?

Let me say it loud so those in the cheap seats can hear it.

She’s a black woman.

Jemele is a persecuted woman of color, more specifically she is a black woman speaking truth to power. US history is clear about what happens to black women when they choose to speak truth to power, they are continually tormented and abused until they bend, and sometimes then break. Look up Ida B. Wells, Fannie Lou Hamer. Shirley Chisolm. Look at the women who started and continue to maintain the Black Lives Matter movement. And of course they tried to make our former first lady bend as well.

Michelle[21] was supposed to sit behind Barack and say nothing. The last first lady who had an agenda and didn’t know how to bake cookies was Hilary Clinton, and that ended very badly. Go Google, “Michelle Obama insults,” and the results are horrifying. Make sure your children aren’t in the room, because it won’t be pretty. The mild insults are about her wearing shorts, going on long trips, or wearing fancy clothes. The worse ones are when the white men of the senate told her to put her arms in some sleeves for the formal portrait.  Or when governors, city directors and other “government officials” around the country sent pictures of an ape and in one instance called it “A ape in heels.” Or when a washed up television star posted a picture that said, “He (President Obama) wakes up to this?[22] This rage and hate was aimed at a first lady whose national agenda was for children to eat well, and the Republicans said, “Bring back the French fries and chicken nuggets!”

Michelle, Serena, Viola, and Jemele also have to navigate gender. What I haven’t seen is feminist groups come out in support of Jemele and her right to free speech. Where are the white women, besides Samantha Bee? Why aren’t prominent white women standing up for Jemele? In recent years white women have done some dumb things and have advernnatly or inadvertently scrubbed women of color (in this case black women) from spaces  because they feel ignored and devalued. With Sophia Vergara being the highest paid television actress at the moement, white women may be feeling very vulnerable. Remember Patricia Arquette’s speech (that Jennifer Lopez inexpicably stood up for) that spoke of how ungrateful other folks were for the work white women did for them  and how now white women have to look out for themselves?[23] Or the dismissal of Viola’s speech at the 2015 Emmys about inequality and lack of roles for women that a soap opera actress with no accolades even close to Viola’s felt was silly and hallucinatory. Or Maria Sharapova’s recent story of Serena Williams calling her a bitch and how terrible Serena was (during the time the story had been about Serena’s new baby), when she conveniently for the terrible drag impression she did of Serena with padding that gave her a huge butt and enormous breasts. Or the idea that Ellen would create a Halloween costume of Nicki Minaj and her cotume consisted of a large ass and a bad wig. Is this solidarity? Or the silence from groups like NOW during the 2008 presidential campaign when right-wingers were calling Michelle Obama a radical black panther because of a fist bump with her husband and her Princeton senior thesis that was pro-black in nature. Or the criticism that came when Michelle said she was going to be “Mom-in-Chief” for a while in order to get her children acclimated to the white house and their new school. White women excoriated her for choosing to be a mother first, forgetting that the whole purpose of feminism is to give women choices, whether those choices are popular or not are inconsequential. And forgetting or ignoring the intersectionality that shows that for black women, staying home and not going into bankruptcy while doing it,was a radical event.

So why shouldn’t the Michelle Obamas, Serena Williamses, Viola Davises and Jemele Hills shout out loud about the inequality they see in their nation? And again why would the President of the United States care?

ESPN’s slow response to suspend Jemele was not because they were feeling benevolent or because they see Jemele Hill as irreplaceable. They were slow to make a decision because they were in a quandary. How to discipline Jemele without looking like racists and a misogynists. Could they do what they had done to Sage Steele the year before[24] and make her disappear into a vortex? No, she had spoken about the  president. ESPN hoped all of it would just disappear. It didn’t. This is Donald Trump, the most thin skinned President in modern history the White House couldn’t let it go. So they had to wait and see what happened. And Jemele kept being Jemele and ESPN finally had their opening to suspend her and if all reports are correct her contract won’t be renewed.

So who will talk about what’s right in the sportworld? Jason Whitlock, Stephen A Smith, Bomani Jones? Their columns and on air responses have run from super conservative and misogynist (Whitlock) to non committal and dismissive (Smith). What will we as sports fan lose if we lose Jemele? What will black women lose? But the person who has truly been lost in all of this is Colin Kaepernick. Remember him? How will any of this get him his job back? Can he afford to wait on others to help him or does he have to take the owners and the NFL on and fight for himself.  We’ll find out, on October 16, 2017, Kaepernick filed a lawsuit against the NFL and its owners. Claiming that the owners colluded to keep him out of the NFL and without a job because he used his 1st amendment right.

It seems Kaepernick has decided to use his 7th amendment right, the right to have a jury of your peers in a civil case over 20.00.

It’s about time.

  *************************************************************************************

  [1] https://theundefeated.com/features/the-nfls-racial-divide/

[2] https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/donald-trumps-long-stormy-and-unrequited-romance-with-the-nfl/2017/09/23/979264a4-a093-11e7-8ea1-ed975285475e_story.html?utm_term=.d7a4b6cd0b0e  Trump won the case against the NFL, but the court determined that the USFL was imploded on it’s own. Trump won $1.00. But since you earn triple earnings in anti-trust proceedings, he received, $3.00.

[3] No offense to Queens, NY

[4] https://youtu.be/vrW-GI_9IL8

[5] Luther Strange loses his bid to be re-elected despite Trump coming to save him.  Trump later tells the media, “I guess I backed the wrong guy.”

[6] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Louis_Gates_arrest_controversy

[7] Hue Jackson, the coach of the Cleveland Browns isn’t a fan of NFL players protesting, http://www.sportingnews.com/nfl/news/browns-coach-hue-jackson-against-national-anthem-protest-patriotism/1lrihp1r2yv7710y7olb8equrs

[8] http://www.theroot.com/fire-chief-says-pittsburgh-nfl-coach-mike-tomlin-added-1818808004

[9] From this point, I’m just going to refer to Jemele Hill as Jemele. That’s how us black folks do. She’s in distress and I don’t have time to be formal.

[10] http://archives.cjr.org/behind_the_news/jemele_hill_on_being_black_fem.php

[11] http://archives.cjr.org/behind_the_news/jemele_hill_on_being_black_fem.php

[12] http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/15/health/armstrong-ped-explainer/index.html

[13] https://theundefeated.com/features/jemele-hill-on-doing-the-right-thing/

[14] I too learned from the women in my family and have heard this same refrain from may of the women of color who are successful and speak truth to power.

[15] https://ww.si.com/tech-media/2017/09/13/sarah-huckabee-sanders-tells-press-jemele-hill-should-lose-job-over

[16] http://www.politico.com/story/2017/10/15/tillerson-trump-moron-castration-243785

[17] http://time.com/4970126/cam-newton-jourdan-rodrigue-routes/

[18] https://www.cbsnews.com/news/seahawks-michael-bennett-says-police-officer-held-gun-to-his-head/

[19] In 2011 Colin Cowherd made a statement about the recently deceased Washington Redskins player that not on besmirsched his character, but insinuated that because he was black and was in trouble with the law it’s no surprise that he’s dead. Cowherd made a small non-apology but was not disciplined.

In 2014, Bill Simmons one of ESPNs biggest sports journalists was suspended because of his remarks against Roger Goddell during the Ray Rice tape incident. Simmons called Goddell a liar and was suspended for 3 weeks.

[20] https://www.thenation.com/article/nfl-owners-and-espn-bosses-are-showing-which-side-they-are-on/

[21] I was going to say Shelly, but she was the FLOTUS. So I’ll just keep it to first names. Just like Jemele. They’re all my besties in my head.

[22] http://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2016-37985967

[23] http://variety.com/2015/film/news/patricia-arquette-comments-oscars-2015-controversy-1201439814/

[24] Steele lost her coveted post for ESPN’s NBA Countdown when she made derogatory statements about the protesters fighting the president’s travel and how it was forcing her to be late for her flights. She has since been moved to Sportscenter on the Road one of ESPN level B shows. )

Sistahs, Brothas, and Presidents Two Mondays ago Jemele Hill from ESPN was suspended for asking fans to boycott the advertisers of the Dallas Cowboys.