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yesimwriting · 3 years ago

Note

Would you write a Kaz Brekker request where the reader is a bookworm and a crow and basically Kaz asks the reader to read to him as his way of apologizing after a argument that was his fault?

it a/n i did something kinda similar in a 'promise of rain' blurb,, but this concept is so cute to me:)) love it sm i moved it up my request cue lol

also IM IN COLLEGE NOW!! WHAT?? AND IVE BEEN TO A PARTY! AND IM JOINING A SORORITY AND I DID DRAMA AUDITIONS AND AHH !! SO DIFFERENT! I MISS MY MOM AND SISTER AND DOG AND EVEN MY DAD BUT IM HAPPY HERE!!

also im a little worried this might not portray kaz superrrrr accurately bc it's been awhile so just let me know,, feedback leads to improvement:)) also kinda set this up for a part 2 bc...well youll see

They've always said a lot of things about him, and I've always heard them. But I've never quite believed them. Sure, I get why the dark things that have flourished in the poisoned soil that is Ketterdam consider Kaz Brekker the darkest thing of all. I understand the nickname 'Dirtyhands' for the gloved criminal who has fooled each crime boss at least once. I understand each terrible thing they've said about him.

But I've never agreed with them. I've never even considered agreeing with them. Until today.

The thought that maybe everything people say about him is correct in a simple context struck me worse than the silence after our argument. It made me feel like both a fool and hypocrite. Kaz and I have had our fair share of spats over the relatively short time we've known each other, but never like this. Never so badly he stormed out of the room before I could. I squeeze the book in my lap even harder, desperate to focus on the words on the pages.

You didn't hurt him. He walked away because he decided you weren't worth the cost of his expensive time. I repeat those thoughts in my mind over and over again, letting them bitter me further. It's a lot easier to be mad than hurt. A lot easier to fuel your pain than try to understand your mistakes. Besides, tiredness is already dredging around in my chest and if I don't calm down a little I won't be able to fall asleep.

I had escalated the fight more than I should have. Knowing Kaz is like performing in a tightrope act. One must always be aware of where they're going. Watching what's in front of them without ever thinking too much about what's beneath or behind them. Today though, when I needed my balance most I chose to fall. I chose to dive, and apparently there was no net.

"Oh, you're doing that thing."

I roll my eyes at Jesper's voice as I fight down a yawn. I wipe my face with the back of my palm before turning. The burning behind my eyes never resulted in full tears, but I feel better after doing so. "What thing?"

"That terribly noble thing where you find it in yourself to take full blame for every single conflict you and boss man fall into." The slight humor in his voice is enough for me to roll my eyes again. "Between you and me, I'm sure the reason he's so angry now is because you didn't do that for once."

I press my lips together as my chin angles itself upwards slightly. "I never do that." He raises an eyebrow. The slight sympathy that colors the look is more offensive than his accusation. "If I pick and choose my battles, it's for good reason."

"Clearly."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He shrugs once before further entering my room. I say nothing when he sits at the foot of my bed. "Oh, you know," Jesper stretches back casually, resting his back against the wall and extending his legs, "You and Kaz--Kaz and you."

Has he been drinking? Perhaps he's not here because of my unusual absence from downstairs after my fight with Kaz but because he's already too tipsy to think right. "What?"

At my confused look he grins, flashing all of his teeth with an arrogance that outshines the whiteness of them. He taps the still open book in my lap. "Let me put it in terms you'll understand." Jesper sits up a little further, amusement clear in his features. "You two make a shameful Elizabeth and Darcy--"

"Oh, shut up," I groan, glaring at him, "This isn't Pride and Prejudice. And Kaz and I," Jesper's smugness returns when I can't quite think of what I want to say, "We're barely friends--we're barely anything, let alone what you're implying."

Jesper pulls his legs up and shoves me gently. "Dearest, y/n," he ignores my glare, "You should know better than anyone that 'barely friends, barely anything' with Kaz is more than it is with anyone else?"

"That doesn't mea--"

"You two say goodnight to each other." Once. Kaz and I said good night to each other in front of Jesper once. How dare he assume it happens regularly? He's right, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with it. "You play cards with him. Not for money, not for skill--"

"It's for practice." The look Jesper gives me is enough to tell me that my defense didn't land.

Damn him for ever finding Kaz and I on one of those strange nights. One of those nights in which he lurks at the stairwell...the one that divides my room and his attic. One of those nights in which it feels like he's a phantom and I'm the only one that can really see him. A night in which we both silently find each other.

I couldn't quite believe it the first time it happened. I'm not exactly a Crow--I don't feel enough a connection to the Dregs to join them without some kind of guarantee--but I was needed for some obscure job. but I was needed for some obscure job. The Crows needed an insider who could blend into high society, and I needed a place to stay away from my father.

It worked. I worked. And with each passing day I found myself enjoying the Crows more and more. That's why I stayed. That's why I started checking the stairwell practically every night, a set of playing cards in my hand.

The first time had been awkward. I couldn't sleep and my room felt too quiet, but the rambunctious club felt too loud and a little unsafe considering the hour. So I settled for the only space in between. When Kaz found me sitting on the steps and playing a solitary card game I had been so stunned by embarrassment I just offered to deal him in. I had been more shocked when he silently accepted my offer.

"Practice?" Jesper repeats. "You were laughing, I heard you."

"That was one time--how do you know we didn't just happen to play cards together the one time you saw it?"

"Because you laughed about a play you considered 'predictable'."

Sighing, I sit up a little straighter. "I'm not having this conversation. Occasionally saying 'goodnight' to someone who lives in the same space I live in and sometimes playing cards with said person because we both happen to be up at a certain time doesn't mean anything."

"And the way he looked at the contact that was flirting with you?"

Oh...this conversation again. "For the last time, the contact wasn't flirting with me. We had to dance to blend in and when he leaned towards me to whisper in my ear...it was to tell me the intel Kaz just had to have."

"And when he tucked that strand of hair behind your ear?"

"He just wanted to sell our cove--"

"Y/n, he kissed your cheek and I'm fairly certain he would have kissed you if Kaz and I hadn't made it to the corridor at that second."

Why is everyone so obsessed with what would have never happened? The contact had been attractive, tall with fair eyes and hair. But it's not like I feel anything for him, nor would I have been so foolish during a job. A fact that Kaz refuses to believe. I'm tired of this argument...I'm just tired. This job required me to start getting ready early in the morning and lasted long into the night.

"I wouldn't have kissed him and even if I had, the fact that Kaz is so mad about feels...sexist." A stupid argument, considering that Kaz couldn't care less if the person he's working with is female, male, or anything in between because the only thing he cares about is profit. "It's a stupid thing to be mad about, but you hit on anything with a pulse at any time and--"

"I resent that--"

"For the first two weeks I was here I thought you might've been a prostitute."

I can feel him holding in a laugh. "Did you at least think I was a good prostitute?" When I glare again, he finally actually laughs. "Not the point--got it."

"Then what is the point? You're bored and obsessed with gossip so now you're shaking me for information you don't need."

"The point is you're oblivious." Rude...I move my leg in a weak attempt to push him off my bed. Jesper catches my ankle easily, ignoring my attempt at a fight. "You thought the contact was only doing his job and you don't know the real reason that Kaz blew up at you for the first time the way he blows up at everyone."

"Okay, well since you know everything, tell me why he's mad."

He lets out a sigh like he can't believe I even needed to ask that. "It's not the best look that the first time you let him pick a fight with you happens to be about some guy."

...Maybe he is drunk? "Don't be so cryptic. I don't like you enough to put up with that."

Jesper half-sighs again before pushing himself off my bed. "I'm going to pretend I think you're smart enough to piece things together from that."

"Asshole," I mumble instinctually as he walks towards my door. "Are you not telling me because I tried to push you off the bed?"

He turns when he reaches my door in order to lean against my door frame. "It's not not because of that." I should throw my book at his head. "In all seriousness, think about it. If you don't you'll either kill each other or kill me."

Ugh...he's so confusing. This time, I let him go. He leaves he door open, which is beyond annoying. I stand up to close it, promising myself I will focus on my book the second it's in my hands again. As I walk back towards my bed, my eyes land on the deck of cards on my nightstand.

Does it send a signal I don't want to send if I don't go the stairwell tonight? Do I want to send a signal? I don't know...actually, the only thing I know is that I don't want to think about this a second longer. I don't ease as I read, but my eyelids become heavier with each word they cross. I feel the weight of them as my focus slips, farther and farther away until I can no longer focus. When my eyes fall shut I can't bring myself to think or force them open.

I notice my surprised before I register that I've just woken up. Falling asleep feels so far and yet the crick in my neck confirms the obvious. Rubbing the eyes with the back of my hand, I push my book from my lap and sit up. The only indication of how much time has passed is how much my bedside candle has melted.

How long have I been asleep? How did I manage to fall asleep? I thought I was too mad at Kaz to manage anything but pouting in my room. I hadn't even decided if I wanted to talk to him.

I stand even though I haven't decided anything. I should at least change if I want to go to bed. But is leaving this alone for even longer a bad idea? I think Jesper thought so...though my conversation with him is far from clear. It's not the best look that the first time you let him pick a fight with you happens to be about some guy. I'm going to pretend I think you're smart enough to piece things together from that. What does he want me to do with that?

Maybe he was partially intoxicated and felt the need to play the role of a good friend. Or maybe this is his idea of a joke.

Whatever--regardless of Jesper, I have a choice to make. A tiny part of me hopes it's insignificant, but I know Kaz enough to know that nothing is insignificant to him. He holds onto things the way he holds onto his kruge. Perhaps I'll seek out Inej, she seems to be the best at rationalizing. Though she might be asleep by now, or on a job or...I don't even know.

How late is it? Is it late enough to be one of the few hours Kaz claims to reserve for sleep? Maybe my bad luck is still around and he's already in bed for once. Does that mean his anger will extend to tomorrow?

I shouldn't care. It's not like I'm in the wrong. Did I escalate things? Maybe a little...but I won't apologize for defending myself. Even though that makes everything a little easier. I feel stuck, like in some kind of place of half sleep. A single knock at my door is enough to make me want to jump. I rub my eyes a little more firmly in hopes of waking up more before someone sees me.

I approach the door without worry. Maybe it's not as late as I assumed. Or maybe it's really early? I open the door while still fighting against my slight disorientation. I'm so focused on acting normal, I almost don’t register the person standing at my door.

I don’t know who I expected, or what--maybe Jesper, much more tipsy than he was before, slumped against the doorframe, only knocking because he’s too tired to push the door open. Maybe even Inej, on her way here to deliver some kind of job or notice of dismissal. But it’s nothing I could expect. It’s...Kaz.

The Dirtyhands stands at my door, expression as hard as ever yet something behind his eyes that burns the sleep away from me. “Uh--hi.” I bite my tongue to avoid cringing at that very awkward beginning. “Are you here to kick me out yourself?” The only response I get is the slightest shift of his gaze off of my face. “No? Well then I think I’m going to bed. It’s late.”

My tone and words are clear. Get out of my doorway, I’m in no mood to go back to arguing. When he still doesn’t say anything, I’m emboldened by my nerves. I push the door between us without breaking eye contact.

Before the wood can meet the doorframe, he moves his cane, wedging it between us. “Y/n.” I don’t understand the way he says my name, but I’m certain he’s never said it like that. “I...” When he’s not prompted by the uncomfortableness of silence, I raise an eyebrow, my grip on the door tightening. “What I said shouldn’t have been said.” Wait--is he admitting fault? I’m so thrown I almost melt entirely. “Not to you.”

The addition leaves him so lowly a part of me wonders if I’ve imagined it. I’m so thrown by it I don’t even think to reply until a long second has passed. “You seemed to believe the opposite a few hours ago.”

His lips press together for a moment. “You didn’t ask me to play cards tonight.” He took that as intentional? At least that got me some kind of apology? I keep my mouth shut, greed making me want more information. I guess he must sense my silent tugging because he head inclines slightly. “Don’t push.”

I fight down a grin. “Push what?” His only response to stiffen further. “I’m going to tell you something as a peace offering.” That seems to intrigue him in some way. I can’t tell if it’s a good kind of interested, but I note the slight raise of his eyebrows and his intentional silence. “I didn’t chose not to ask you to play cards.” He gives me no indication of anything, which is fair...considering my vagueness. “I was mad, obviously, and in the middle of deciding on a course of action...and then I fell asleep.”

A long pause of silence. “You fell asleep?”

I’m not sure if his incredulous tone should offend me or not. If I wanted to lie, I’d like to think he knows me well enough to know that I’d have thought of a better excuse than that. Or at least a less embarrassing one. “Yes, it’s not that difficult to believe. Today had been long and all I wanted to do was read, but then Jesper came in to say the oddest things and then leave me to...”

Oh--oh. I guess there’s a reason people say to ‘sleep on’ something. Because now, actively remembering Jesper’s words for the first time since I fell asleep...I understand what Jesper was implying in the oddest way possible. He meant that Kaz and I...that perhaps there is a Kaz and I in a context that’s more than just grammatical. Wow. I really had to realize this with Kaz right in front of me.

My face feels warmer than it did before, an irrational bout of anxiety forcing me to consider that me might be able to read impossible, embarrassing thoughts from my expression alone.

“What did Jesper say?” I’m too lost in my own spiral of confusion and panic and some feeling I can’t recognize to register how Kaz asks his question. There’s an edge to it, an odd one, but that could easily just be Kaz.

This is most definitely the last conversation we need to be having. I’m still mad at him for his earlier dramatics. So I just shake my head, feigning an exhaustion I could lose myself in. “Nothing and everything all at once.” I resist the urge to rub my eyes again. “I’m pretty sure he was drinking, and I wasn’t really listening. I was just trying to read.”

Kaz’s expression hardens briefly as he takes in my words, and then he exhales, nodding once with the breath. “What were you reading?”

My lips part instinctually, ready to spew off details about the latest novel that’s captured my attention. But before I can let myself take off, the reality of the situation strikes me directly in the chest. This is not Nina, or Inej, or even Jesper after what he considers a ‘good night’. This is Kaz Brekker, the man believed to not have a soul. I’ve spoken to him before about casual things, though most of the nights in which we end up playing cards or just sitting near each other are spent in silence. But he’s never prompted me before. Not in the one topic he knows is guaranteed to turn me into an overenthusiastic, gushing fountain of poor summaries and character analysis.

I guess this is his peace offering. This shouldn’t warm the way it does. He was still unbelievably dramatic and treated me like I’m some kind of unreliable fool. “It’s late, and you know how I can be. I’d hate to keep you for nothing more than a poor summary and honestly, an embarrassing rant about plot or characters, because there’s just nothing as frustrating as when two people so clearly care about each other and both are too stubborn and oblivious to acknowledge it.”

Kaz’s eyebrows draw together just enough for me to be able to make out a shift of expression in the poor light. Perhaps his lingering irritation is preparing to rear its ugly head. The corner of his mouth seems to threaten to tilt upwards as Kaz angles his head to the side slightly. “I can’t imagine that position.”

No kidding. I bite my tongue to keep the sarcastic comment and awkward laugh that would sure follow it away. “Who can? That’s like half the point of reading.”

How can interaction feel so over and just at its beginning all at once? I press my lips together to avoid filling the silence with things I’d no doubt instantly regret. It’s easy to be mad at Kaz in the moment. Too easy. But to stay mad at him when his temper has passed and he returns with some kind of begrudging and admittedly awkward and uncertain truce is another task entirely.

“I’ve never understood your attachment to written words.”

“It’s not about understanding, it’s about everything else.”

“And you say I’m cryptic.” Is he...kinda almost joking? I straighten my spine, too tired to fight and too wounded to forgive. “There’s understanding in everything, nothing can survive on sentiment alone.”

“If you read the way I did, you’d understand.”

His lips press together as his expression remains unwavering in its hardness. “Read to me.”

...Interacting with Kaz in any way often leaves me feeling like I’m wandering through unknown territory. But this, this is undeniably different. So different I can’t even think of a way to react. I watch his expression as cautiously as possible. He’s purely reserved, no distinction from the look he wears during business propositions. Except there’s a tightness I can’t quite understand.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to fight anymore. Maybe it’s because exhaustion is leaving me partially delirious. Or maybe it’s the weird feeling in my chest that I can’t quite place. That I don’t want to place. “Okay.” I shift carefully. “If for no other reason then to prove you wrong.”

Never did I think I’d end up in the position of sitting in my bed, book in hand, with Kaz Brekker sitting next to me. But here we are. I’m so tired, I almost let out a nervous laugh when he first walked in. So brooding and tall, gripping the head of his head cane as he sits at the foot of my bed, on my pastel quilt.

I’m glad for the excuse to keep my gaze away from him and on the words in front of me. I read out loud, feeling more and more comfortable with each page I finish. But as my inhibitions slip away, so dos my hold on consciousness. My eyelids seem to grow heavier with each word that I read.

“You’re falling asleep.”

I straighten my spine on instinct. “Am not.” I’m not sure why I feel the need to deny something so simple.

“You’re impossible.”

From him, that statement is laugh worthy. “I’m impossible? Do you not remember earlier today?”

From the way his jaw locks, I realize that he’s in no mood to be light about this topic. I don’t understand why. It’s not like I’m the one that wronged him. “I remember your lack of focus.”

Keeping my hands at my side to avoid rubbing my eyes, I frown. “If you want to have this argument again, fine. Jesper is more ‘distracted’ than me half the time and you’re much more lenient on him. It’s not like I was flirting with someone or gambling or doing anything but having a two second conversation. One that I needed to have to get information that you wanted.”

The last time we fought, I had more energy to restrain myself. This could be atomic. I hold my breath, waiting for Kaz’s retaliation. He exhales, eyes not meeting mine. “Arguing with you when you’re present is exhausting enough. It’s not worth it when you’re half asleep.”

This angers me further. I hate that he’s right. “I’m not half asleep.” He leaves it at that. I glare even harder at him, slumping further into my bed. “But for the sake of argument, I’ll drop it. Something you’re incapable of doing.”

At that, his eyes meet mine. I try to hold his gaze, but the harder I think about not seeming tired the more exhaustion slips in. A yawn escapes me before he looks away. Great. “I know when to lie in the grass in wait.”

Rolling my eyes, I shift back slightly. He’s incapable of being less dramatic than this. Still, I can’t imagine the effort it’s taking on his part to not start an argument. Maybe this is why Jesper spent so long implying that there may be a Kaz and I in any capacity beyond a vague kind of friendship. “I’ll admit you’re tactful.”

“Resourceful people recognize that trait in other people.”

Blinking twice, I lower my book slightly. Am I truly exhausted, or did he just compliment me in a way? “Careful, I may start to think you find me tolerable.”

“Let’s not exaggerate.” Okay, now I know I’m exhausted because I think he might have just attempted a joke. Rolling my eyes, I decide not to acknowledge this lightness in fear that I’ll scare it away. “Y/n?”

I press my lips together, worried about the destruction of our peace. “Yes?”

“What did Jesper say to you? Earlier?” I pause, slightly unsure why we’re moving backwards.

We’re in a decent place now, and I’d hate to ruin it. I’m too half asleep to lie eloquently. And it’s not like he’s an easily convinced man. “Oh, he said it so cryptically it took me longer than it should have to understand. And it didn’t help that it was something so...well, you might find it funny. As funny as you find anything, anyways.” Wow...I’ve spent such a long time talking. Rubbing the back of my eyes, I avoid his gaze. Exhaustion and awkwardness mix in my stomach oddly. “It seemed like he was trying to imply that you and I...me and you...” Why is this a difficult thing to say? It’s not like I was implying it and Jesper’s known for his oddness. “I think Jesper was implying that there was a you and I, or at least that there could be.” I’m too lost in a haze of almost sleep to watch his reaction. I let my head rest against my headboard even further. “Isn’t that odd?”

He’s quiet for a long second, and then he finally speaks again. “Odd, even for Jesper.” The response doesn’t satiate me...what’s that about? I exhale, deciding that feeling is tomorrow’s problem. When I blink, I decide to let my eyes stay closed. Just for a moment. The sound of something shifting is what makes my eyes squint open. Kaz is standing, his expression unreadable as he straightens. “Goodnight, y/n.”

At that, I sit up slightly, ignoring the exhaustion behind my eyes. “I haven’t finished the chapter.”

“You’ve convinced me of enough.” A concession? How exhausted do I seem? My lips press together as I think of my next argument. Before I can get it out, Kaz leans forward. He grabs the quilt at the end of my bed and tosses it onto my legs casually. “Goodnight, y/n.” The meaning of his repetition is clear. His word is final.

I find enough energy to manage a glare, but I pull the quilt over my legs anyways. “Goodnight, Kaz.”

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goldenkirstein · 4 years ago

Text

i've been on fire, dreaming of you

or alternatively, when both you and jean thought you lost each other

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anonymous requested: hello there! I love your stuff. if requests are open, may I request a canonverse post-rumbling jean x fem reader where y/n is wounded + passed out from exhaution after the rumbling and wakes up warm and safe, with jean tending to her wounds. Y/n is shocked bc she remembers how she almost lost Jean (she didn't get turned into a titan, maybe she isn't Eldian?) and she just shoots straight up to embrace Jean without realizing the intensity of her wounds. Jean gets extra worried so he has to gently guide her back to lying down on the bed because she has a fever and her injuries aren't all better yet 🥺👉👈 maybe they cuddle afterwards until she falls asleep or smth aaaaaa 🥺 pairing: jean x fem! reader wc: 2.7k+ tags: angst to fluff, cursing, female reader, mentions of death, blood and violence, hints of blasphemy (?), mentions of injuries, aot manga spoilers.

a/n: sorry this took so long, (i was shadowbanned) i changed up the request a teensy bit but otherwise i hope you enjoy !!

⋆⋅☆⋅⋆

Hot, burning, searing pain is the last thing you remembered before your vision went black.

That and the sight of the man you loved transforming into the one thing you feared the most.

Whether it was the heartache or the open wounds on your body that made you lose consciousness, you don’t know.

Truthfully, you were angry at Jean.

It was a whispered confession on the Azumabito airship. You and Jean sat in the corner, Captain Levi and Pieck in front of you, eyes cast away. The rest sat in silence, reeling from the situation that had played out on the ground below, quietly preparing themselves for the hell that awaited them at Fort Slava.

Jean’s hands were trembling; you would expect that after years of seeing your comrades die at the hands of humans and titans alike, you would get used to the death.

This wasn’t that, though; this was a different fear and anxiousness. Jean’s hands were clammy and his face pale; you could gauge that from one look at the man next to you, whatever worries were bubbling inside him were the accumulation of all the events from the past couple of days.

Jean was a collected man most times; as commanding officer, he didn’t have a choice but to be stoic and calm in the face of danger. But when that facade began to crumble, you would be there to ground him, remind him of why he was fighting. You knew that if you locked eyes at that moment, Jean would be able to see right through the front you were putting up, see the fear etched into your irises as you all were hurtling towards your deaths. So instead, you made the executive decision to swallow that panic and be that rock he needed, offering him your hand.

You took hold of his hand, staring ahead, and squeezed it three times, a reminder for both him and you that at least you still had each other. You could feel his eyes on you after you performed the simple gesture, but you continued to look ahead, focusing on the clouds, knowing that a couple of meters below, havoc was being wreaked by those mindless titan drones.

He said it so faintly, so lightly that you barely heard it past the sounds of the engine reverberating around the metal cabin.

“I’ll love you now and forever, even when I’m a pile of burnt bones.”

It’s like he knew. It was his way of saying goodbye to you. And you ignored him.

You clenched your jaw and pretended that you didn’t hear, pushed it to the back of your mind because this was no place for hushed confessions of love and, even more so, goodbyes. You were sure as hell were not letting Jean say goodbye to you. There would be no reason to, not if you had it your way. The both of you were bound together, and goodbyes were never to be uttered between the both of you.

Even when I’m a pile of burnt bones.

Is that what remains of him now? The muscle, sinew, and skin that pieced Jean together all reduced to ash and soot? The body that you had spent hours tracing, memorizing every detail of scattered in the wind. You would never feel the weight of his body on yours again, be able to graze your fingers over the scars littered on his torso, feel the way his heart would beat against your hands.

Jean Kirstein would only exist in your mind from now on.

He had left you alone with nothing but his memory, but even then, it was plagued by the image of a senseless titan taking the shape of Jean.

You wished to go back and tell him to shut up, never to utter those words again. Tell him to get those foolish notions out of his head, slap your hands over his mouth, silencing him, so that you could continue to live in your deluded reality that both of you would make it out alive. Tell him that he was selfish, of leaving you here to endure this torment by yourself.

Would that stop the scathing agony you were feeling?

Maybe this was hell you were in, you thought. That you were being punished for ignoring him, that you were the foolish one. Perhaps you should’ve held him tight to you, found a way to fold himself into you, so you wouldn’t have to suffer alone. Were you angry at Jean, or was that resentment directed at yourself?

The pain spread from your chest to your arms, down your legs, coursing through your veins.

You should have looked at him, told him that you were just as scared; maybe that could have changed his fate. If only you repeated those words back to him. He would still be here now.

I’ll love you now and forever.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

Bring him back to me.

The silent prayer came from the depths of your heart; whether God or who knows what would hear it, you didn’t know, but the thought of having to live with this ache was enough for you to continue repeating the mantra in your head.

Jean looked at your unconscious form that laid next to his seat. If it wasn’t for the gentle rising and falling of your chest, he could have sworn you were dead.

The thought sent a chill down his spine.

Jean had made peace with the fact that he would die when he transformed into a titan. Seeing you, like this, however, barely grasping onto your own life, made his body ache; he was okay with dying, but the thought of having to live without you was a fate worse than death.

He reached over to grab your hand and rubbed his thumb over the back of your palm before grasping it and squeezing it three times. He let go of it, placing it back gently over the top of your torso.

It was time to change your bandages and clean your wounds. Jean was a strong man; he had seen firsthand what a titan could do to one’s body, but his hands quivered as they unwrapped the bloodied bandages from your thigh. One singular thought overcame his mind.

Was he the reason that you were injured this badly? Did he hurt you?

Jean had spent many nights tending to your injuries, his hands careful when it came to you. However, the cuts and gashes he would tenderly patch up would always be inflicted by other humans or titans. Never did he think that his hands would be capable of hurting you. Jean was disgusted with himself as he stared straight ahead at his hands, now covered in blood.

The worst part of this, Jean thought, was that he couldn’t even remember if he was responsible for this, or maybe, that was a blessing. Recalling the situation would drive him into madness. The man winced at the thought of his arms tearing up your body.

He reached over to the tiny side table holding the medical supplies, grabbing the antiseptic solution. Dabbing it on a cloth, he attentively cleaned the wound, instinctively checking for your reaction. You would always make a fuss when he would apply it, but Jean averted his eyes once he realized that there was no reaction from your comatose form.

Usually, he would scold you when you would pull back from his hands when he tended to your wounds, but now any response would be better than having to tolerate the silence in the tiny room.

Jean got up to clean his hands in the basin, warm water turning red once he dipped his hands in. This was his punishment; he would have to suffer the consequences of his actions. The both of you were alive; Jean knew that he should be grateful, get on his hands and knees and thank the gods above. However, why should he be thankful? It was cruel. The both of you were not alive by the grace of God; this wasn’t mercifulness or benevolence.

What good is living if you have to sit and watch the one you love the most deteriorate in front of your eyes.

“You need to sleep; this isn’t healthy.” Connie was standing in the doorway with his arms crossed. Although he was speaking to Jean, his eyes were transfixed on you.

Jean didn’t need to look at himself to know how terrible he looked. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, his face pale and gaunt. He spent his days and nights in your room, never wanting to miss the moment when you would wake up.

If. If you woke up, not when. Even that was not guaranteed.

“I’m not leaving her side, Connie.” Jean dried his hands on the cloth next to the basin. He turned his head to look at his friend, whose eyes were now staring back into his.

Connie understood the situation; he wanted you to wake up as well, but it pained him to see Jean suffer like this, “Spending your days sitting next to her waiting for her to wake up won’t help her, Jean.”

“You don’t think I fucking know that?” Jean slammed his hand down on the basin, hair falling in front of his face. Connie’s eyes widened at his friend’s action; to say that Jean was frustrated would be an understatement.

“You got your mom back, Annie got to see her dad, even those damn kids found each other. I got her back, but it’s my fault she’s like this.” Jean gritted his teeth, lip quivering.

Connie’s heart sank; he had seen Jean at his worst, but this was almost unbearable to witness. He made his way over to the hunched-over man and squeezed his shoulder.

“It’s not your fault Jean. This is difficult, believe me, I know, but you can’t be blaming yourself.” Connie’s eyes flickered your form, and he clenched his jaw.

Jean shifted his head, sullen eyes peering at your face through strands of hair; the man shook his head as a sob escaped his lips, “I need her to wake up Connie. I can’t live without her; I don’t know how to.”

You felt a gentle breeze on your face and an odd pressure around your ribs. Laying still for a moment, you waited for the pressure to subside, but instead, it made its way down to your thigh. You tried to open your eyes, but it was as if they were glued shut; there was no strength left in your body.

How many days had it been? Where were you?

Questions circled amidst your clouded mind as you lay immobile. You realized that the pressure you were feeling on your body was the weight of someone’s hands. How badly were you injured?

Memories flooded into your mind as you became aware of the situation you were in currently. Someone had rescued you at Fort Slava, and you were being treated at a medical facility by nurses. No, not nurses; the hands felt oddly familiar. They were careful and precise in their movements but carried tenderness as well.

You tried to take a deep breath in, to gather strength to move any one of your limbs, but paused immediately as the pain in your ribs was far too great. Shallow breaths would suffice for the time being. You began to focus on moving your fingers, channelling whatever energy you had left to at least get them to move.

The sheets underneath your fingers were soft as you gently moved your digits along the fabric. The hands on your thigh briefly paused before continuing their movements. You waited a minute before moving again, this time lifting your hand.

You couldn’t feel the hands on your body anymore.

Whoever had been treating your wounds whispered your name. It was a man, but you weren’t able to recognize their voice as everything was still groggy.

The man sharply inhaled, his voice shaking as he said your name once again.

You mustered the strength to open your eyes; your eyelids were heavy and hard to fight to keep open. The room was blurry and far too bright for your liking, but you continued to blink, and soon, the details surrounding you came into focus. The figure was still, waiting for your next move; you lolled your head to the side to get a better look at him.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

He slowly came into focus; he was holding your hand between his and planting kisses on the back of your palm.

Why was he apologizing? Who was he?

Your heartbeat quickened as his voice became more apparent; this had to be some sick nightmare. You slowly sat up and reached out to him to cement the fact that this couldn’t be real. Your hand made contact with his knee; he was warm, he was alive.

Tears were running down your cheeks as your eyes scanned up his frame until landing on his face. Jean stared back at you, eyes wide, your hand still held in his.

Your face contorted as you took in the sight in front of you; you were so sure you had lost him, and yet here he was. Sitting up fully, you used your free hand to grip on to his white button-down and pull him into you with whatever remaining strength you had. Jean dropped your hand, and you swiftly wrapped both of your arms around him, eyes fluttering shut to take in his presence.

A pile of burnt bones.

It wasn’t a dream; you could feel his heartbeat against your body, feel his hair against your cheek. You sobbed into the crook of his neck, ignoring the immense pain you were feeling, scared that if you let him go, he would scatter in the wind.

“Jean, I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry, I should’ve told you-” Your voice was scratchy and hoarse, still weak from the slumber which had woken from a few minutes ago.

He brought a hand up to rest against your head, “I’m the one who’s sorry; why are you apologizing?” Jean pulled away from you, causing you to wince.

You furrowed your brows in confusion; he gently laid you back down on the bed before continuing, “I hurt you when I transformed into a titan; I’m the one who’s responsible-” Jean paused, his eyes landing on the gauze on your upper leg.

He wasn’t making any sense to you; shaking your head, you frowned at him, “What do you mean? I saw you transform before I passed out; I got injured by the rubble falling from the fort.”

“I should be apologizing, not you. When we were in the airship, you told me you loved me, and I ignored you, Jean, and then I thought you died and lost you. I’m terrible-” You looked up at him through teary eyes; Jean wiped your tears before kissing your cheeks.

“All this time, I was scared that I had almost killed you, and here you thought that I was dead.” He whispered, hands caressing your cheek.

“You’re not dead right; if I close my eyes, you’ll still be here?” You brought your hand up to hold his, letting out a shaky breath.

“No, my love, I’m not dead, and I’m not going anywhere.” Jean pressed a light kiss to your forehead. You cautiously sat up before moving over slightly to make room for him on the small bed.

“Can you lie here with me? Don’t wanna let go of you yet.” He nodded his head before getting up from his seat to lie next to you.

You placed your head on his chest, eyes fluttering shut. Your hand traced the buttons on his shirt, slowly getting lulled to sleep by the sound of his steady heartbeat.

Jean’s fingers skimmed your side; overwhelming happiness filled his chest; he was relieved that you were alright and that he hadn’t been the one at fault for your current state. He felt you press a kiss where his heart was, and his lips curled into a smile.

“You know why I said what I said on the airship?”

“Hmm, why?” Your ears piqued in interest.

“Because I knew that even if I died, I’d find you again, somehow somewhere.”

You let out a sigh, silently thanking whoever it was that answered your prayers.

I love him and you brought him back to me.

a/n: i hope you enjoyed this !! any feedback is appreciated !! i tried something a little different than how i usually write, so please don't be shy to tell me if you liked it or not and what could be improved !!

also i apologize for not being active these past couple of days, my tumblr went haywire and i was shadowbanned, its all fixed now but again super sorry !!

taglist: @c0urtn3y, @depressedbisexual, @dai-tsukki-desu, @clean-soap, @nevcrmxre, @conniesspringersgf, @glittrkink

click here to join my taglist

As always, please leave a like/reblog if you enjoyed this, I appreciate it lots <33

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ootahime · 3 years ago

Text

what is utahime’s role in the future? — a prediction (manga spoilers)

part 1 (unedited)

I WAS ABOUT TO POST IT BUT I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED IT AND I WAS SO HURT FR!!!!! I HAD REWRITE THIS ENTIRE THING </33

part 2 is here!

in this post, i will be analyzing the information we’ve been given about utahime so far to form a prediction about her future role in the jujutsu kaisen series. if you’re as interested in utahime’s character as i am, please feel free to keep reading :3 (i’ll also be talking about her relationship with gojo a bit too)

soukatsu_ on twt!

kaikaikitan on twt!

utahime iori is a semi-grade 1 sorcerer working as a student supervisor/teacher at kyoto jujutsu high school. she loves drinking beer and going to karaoke. she’s also close friends with shoko and she’s not particularly fond of gojo most of the time. what else do we know about her?

hates sweets (funny she’s the complete opposite of gojo)

she’s great at singing and it’s a huge part of her technique

squabbling with gojo became a reflex :3

everyone absolutely adores utahime

loves watching soccer and baseball

a terrible drunk (worse than naobito zenin)

gojo is her main source of stress

let’s dive into her personality and abilities!

chapter 65

before i get into it, i think it’d be best if i were to explain the timeline because a lot of people seem to be confused about this one particular thing. utahime is born on february 18th, 1987. contrary to popular belief, she is not 3 years older than gojo. it is november 2018 in the story because gojo was sealed on halloween. if gojo was born on december 7th, 1989, that would mean that right now, he is only 28 years old. he has yet to turn 29.

the year is 2007. gojo satoru is a second year at tokyo jujutsu high school. the japanese school year begins in april which suggests that gojo is only 17 at the time (even if it’s not april, it doesn’t look like winter yet so it’s unlikely that he’s already 18). utahime is 20 because it is past february. she is a 2nd grade sorcerer at the age of 20. that’s not bad at all!

chapter 65 introduces young utahime and mei on a mission together within a cursed site. in real time, they’ve been gone for two days which is a cause of concern for gojo, shoko, and geto because the two haven’t contacted anyone since the beginning of their mission. ��the two begin to suspect something is wrong because the hallway markers they’ve set in place disappeared, and no matter how far they travel within the halls, the end is nowhere in sight. mei theorizes that the cursed spirit is overlapping the space as they travel forward. utahime agrees with this speculation and proposes a plan to escape the cursed spirit’s grasp by moving erratically. notice how she says that if one of them should escape, they can try to attack from the outside or call for help. if utahime was not capable of inflicting damage on anything then she would have told mei to escape and attack if she can while she waited to be rescued. however, she didn’t. she included herself in the sentence which leads me to believe that she is capable of going on the offense if needed.

keep in mind that at this point in time, mei is a grade 1 sorcerer. she is knowledgeable about all things involving jujutsu because she is experienced and skillful. we can see this aspect of her character illustrated when she theorizes that the cursed spirit is messing with the space they’re in. she chooses to go with utahime’s plan because she agrees that it’s the best action moving forward. this verifies that utahime is an intelligent girl that’s able to get along with pretty much anyone.

her intellect is demonstrated once again in chapter 79. she was able to deduce the possibility of there being more than one traitor and the fact that one is probably a higher up. she also narrowed down the mechamaru as the mole of kyoto not because he was acting suspicious but by process of elimination. she thought thoroughly of his technique and how easy it would be for him to manipulate devices small enough to be undetectable.

sure you can argue that she should already know all her students’ abilities and whatnot but you have to admit that it’s hard trying to sniff out the traitor when no one is acting suspicious. in addition to that, how did she know that there was a traitor in the top brass? i would have never guessed that tbh LOL (maybe bc im an idiot).

okay, now that we have established that she’s intelligent, let’s answer a more important question. is utahime weak?

chapter 33

if gojo calls utahime weak, does that mean there is some truth to it? well it is true that she is weaker than him because he’s the strongest and all. in my opinion, he’s just teasing her. he probably found that calling her weak is what really riles her up. maybe i’ll talk about why he loves teasing her so much in a later post. but anyway, gojo calls everybody and their mom weak. he even said jogo was weak and we know how powerful that guy is. gojo’s words alone do not indicate much about utahime’s power. in fact, i don’t even think he has seen her use her technique yet. he’s probably only ever heard of how it works. this is what i think their conversation about her technique was like:

gojo: hm? ur cursed technique is singing? can u show me?

utahime: what! no way!

gojo: why not?

*one of the classmates tells him that she can only use her CT once in a while because it consumes a lot of energy*

gojo: hahaha! u have to conserve cursed energy to use ur CT? why are u so weak, utahime?

utahime: i! am! your! senpai! respect! me!

what i’m trying to say is that gojo loves poking fun of people. we should not believe him when he calls someone weak because compared to him, everyone is weak.

this is a little off topic but let’s examine him telling her, “and you don’t have the nerves, utahime.” i think he’s trying to say that there’s no way she’ll ever do something like that because she’s not the type to put her students in danger. remember the soft expression and relieved smile on her lips when she said that she was glad the students were safe after the kyoto incident? gojo was directly in front of her so not only did he hear her say that, but he could have seen the look on her face too. even if he told her that she didn’t have the guts to betray the school to get on her nerves, he knew that utahime simply cared too much about the students so he ruled her out as a suspect right away. this is why he ultimately decided to confide in her and ask her to help him.

i’m a person who loves over-analyzing things. i really enjoy the dynamic between gojo and utahime. they’ve known each other for more than 11 years and although they always bicker, there is an unspoken feeling of trust between the two. gojo can do anything and everything by himself because he is truly the strongest person alive, but he still knows when to rely on others. him deciding to entrust utahime with such a job implies that he believes in utahime’s abilities.

chapter 52

she’s not using any cursed energy here--not to our knowledge at least. this is just pure skill. she was able to swiftly evade the swing from haruta. he was surprised himself considering the fact that he was right behind her. how do we know her CT isn’t speed? after haruta swung at her, we can see that some of her hair got cut off. if she was using her CT then speed should be her specialty. she should have been able to completely avoid the attack altogether but she didn’t. of course this isn’t a wow moment because jujutsu sorcerers should know how to dodge attacks, however, i’m just trying to get the point across that she’s not a defenseless person without her technique or others. let’s not forget that semi-grade 1 isn’t a weak rank either. you can’t simply be recommended to be a grade 1 sorcerer if you only can support others.

chapter 48

i want to bring up this panel. it suggests that utahime and takuma are sorcerers who have not experienced black flash and therefore, do not understand the essence of cursed energy as well as those who have like gojo and nanami. i find it strange how takuma and utahime were used to represent sorcerers who haven’t experienced it yet. is the purpose to demonstrate that there is a clear difference in skill between adult sorcerers like utahime and takuma compared to gojo and nanami? i could be nitpicking but the order of todo’s statement doesn’t line up with the sorcerers being shown. let me explain in depth. todo starts off by saying, “for those who have experienced black flash as compared to those who have not...” wouldn’t it make more sense to show gojo and nanami on the right side to represent sorcerers who have experienced black flash? that was mentioned first, after all. gojo and nanami should appear when todo says “for those who have experience black flash” while utahime and takuma should be shown right after to personify the second part, “as compared to those who have not.” i’m just making it more complicated than it actually is LOLOL i’m sure it really just means they haven’t experienced black flash yet, which is completely fine. i also find it fascinating how they used utahime to contrast gojo. with nanami and takuma it makes sense. nanami is someone takuma looks up to, he wants to gain nanami’s approval before he deems himself worthy of a promotion. what about utahime and gojo? what’s the purpose of comparing those two together when it’s obvious that gojo knows more about the essence of cursed energy more than anyone else? i might be delusional whoops

----

let me know what you guys think? this is only a part 1 so i haven’t gotten around to answering the question. i’m pretty much done with the second part, i just need to revise it a little. i think after i post part 2, i’ll try to interpret all the gojo and utahime moments in the manga >.<

#gojohime #gouta #gojo x utahime

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autisticandroids · 4 years ago

Note

wait if cas tells mary about his pregnancy in first blood are you saying mary finds out before dean?? bc didn't you say dean finds out cas is pregnant during lily sunder has some regrets???? god deans reagan era mom finds out dean accidentally impregnated the male angel and then has to keep it secret from dean...

okay so like. that post was NOT in fact in reference to my s12 allegorical mpreg au. it’s actually it’s own thing.

so like, my thought with this au is that cas and dean are sleeping together but it’s weird and complicated. like dean is still being repressed about it. i’m actually intrigued by a reading where like. they’re sleeping together and dean has come to the conclusion that Cas Is Gay (or worse, that cas is In Love With Him) but dean is still thinking of himself as straight and the thing he’s doing with cas as like. Not A Thing. Just Stuff Guys Do Sometimes. (this would have started in season ten or eleven?) anyway, no one but cas and dean knows they’ve been sleeping together and cas is in kind of a horrible emotional place about it (does he get to fuck dean? yes. does he still feel like dean doesn’t care about him at all? also yes.)

anyway cas somehow manages to get pregnant in early s12 and he finds out like a couple days before dean (like a true deadbeat dad) goes to jail, but he didn’t tell dean yet because cas is nothing if not avoidant. (yes that is serious meta by someone else yes i am linking it in my mpreg ask i am so sorry). anyway cas is planning to just sit on this Big Secret until either they get dean back or he starts to seriously show, but then he like. passes out on a hunt or something, and mary is like. what the FUCK cas. and he's too woozy to lie so he ends up accidentally telling her.

anyway mary is like *died in the reagan administration voice* c-can homosexuals do that now? and cas is just sort of like we don't have time to unpack all that but the reason i can do it specifically is that i'm an angel.

so like mary and cas do their whole. Tragic Women Left Behind When The Men Go Off To War thing a bit, and mary is also having a crisis because she's LITERALLY going to be a grandparent. she is LITERALLY going to be a grandparent. so she kind of goes insane with concern for cas because he did literally collapse in front of her (and because of sexism, you know how it is). and then when dean is about to give himself up to billie to make good on the deal, mary is like you Cannot do that you're Going To Be A Father and dean is like what. and then after everything mary explains while cas just sort of looks pained and doesn't make eye contact with anyone.

and dean is like. what the fuck cas. why didn't you TELL me and also why didn't you tell me that this was even possible. and cas is like i didn't know it was. and i wasn't sure what to do. i was going to tell you (probably) but then you went to jail.

meanwhile sam is like oh my god dean. dean have you been no homo fucking cas. dean he deserves better than that you MONSTER. you KNOW he's been in love with you for YEARS everyone does and you were no homo fucking him? and mary is like. dean, if you're an honorable man, you KNOW that if you get a girl pregnant you HAVE to marry her. you said homosexual marriage is legal now so there's NO excuse.

and dean is feeling hemmed in by being outed to his mom and brother, and also, both sam and mary are super mad at him for being kind of a dick to cas (which is valid on sam's part and wild on mary's but that doesn't change the fact that they're both laying into him), AND he's just had the fact that cas is pregnant sprung on him right after breaking out of prison.

so like he deals with this by turning around and getting incandescently angry at cas for outing him and babytrapping him (neither of these were really cas' fault exactly but that's irrelevant here). this mixes with his canon anger at cas for breaking the deal, which is even MORE now because cas is My Pregnant Wife Who Shouldn't Be Putting Himself In Danger Like That Or Making Serious Decisions For Himself.

and so the car ride back to the bunker is just this nightmare winchester family screaming match where sam and mary are trying to defend cas' honor while also acting like cas isn't even there and dean is humiliated and viciously angry at cas and cas is desperately wishing anyone could be normal to him about this and also considering throwing himself out of the moving car.

#deancasmalewives #spn #asks #mpregpocalypse #in THIS s12 mpreg au it's CAS who is the only sane man not sam #cas is so tired. he is so exhausted he just wants everyone to leave him alone #he wants his wings back so he could fly to the himalayas

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collisiondiscourse · 4 years ago

Text

on the wonder duo (part 1)

(BNHA Analysis Post Ahead! This isn’t explicitly romantic, but it is an analysis of the relationship between the two most popular characters in BNHA--Katsuki Bakugou and Izuku Midoriya. Split into two posts because I realized that this was gonna be long as HELL)

yall ever think about the fact that the wonder duo is perfectly set up in so that bakugou and deku together are the better version of all might?

bc like. ive been thinking.

everyone knows the win to save and save to win parallel. How they are supposedly two halves of a whole perfect hero (which, previously, was defined as all might)

but ever since bakugou and deku started working as one—growing together to win AND save and continuously reminding each other that they shouldnt try to do things alone, ive realized that its BECAUSE theres two of them that they surpass all might. its not a case of deku and bakugou both being 50% of an ideal hero, but rather i think that they are 100% of what all might SHOULD HAVE BEEN from the very beginning.

as early as the AM v AFO battle in kamino, we see the effects of all mights flawed existence. the fact that he, the greatest and supposedly infallible symbol of peace, was destroyed—society had begun to collapse. there was suddenly no pillar to hold people together and the impacts were so severe that even in the latest chapters of mha it keeps on getting worse. the truth is, all mights biggest mistake was the burden he placed on his own shoulders

with bakugou and deku... its different.

its different for them because down to their attributions, they seem like two halves of a whole person.

i think that the wonder duo are going to surpass all might because of the fact that they work together.

@bakugoukatsuki-rising @svpercraigus @tybee @isaustraliaathing

(batshit crazy and conspiratorial essay under the cut !)

1. Complementary Colors

I’d like to first preface literally everything I say by the fact that I am not an expert analyzer or literary major in any way. I am literally just some random fan on the internet who has wayyy too much time and looks wayyy too deep into things, but here we go!

A common thing we see when we talk about bakugou and deku is the way they are... sort of an inverse of one another.

Down to the design of their features and the way they move, Deku is the obviously softer of the two. There’s an intentional contrast between the two of them, in the way that Deku’s drawn with round shapes and curvy hair and the way Bakugou is literally all spikes and half-mast eyes and rough muscles. Bakugou’s movements too are languid and showy, with the way he leans when he walks and splays his legs and kicks open doors. Katsuki, in a casual sense, is loud and dramatic.

Deku on the other hand s finicky. He jitters when he walks and he’s often fidgeting and mumbling. Comparatively, the aura he radiates is energetic and frenzied, even self-conscious to a point unlike Bakugou’s calm and confident movements.

the point is, there’s a clear difference in how either of them are designed and what exactly they are supposed to represent. They utterly complement each other down to the way they behave and even their main colors (red-orange and blue-green) being literal complementary colors.

Now, moving to my more ungrounded points, this is quite a bit of a stretch so I’ll try as much as possible to make sense of these with hyperlinked sources because. yeah.

Down to their names, I think Deku and Bakugou both symbolize something deeper. I think that the way Hori expresses characters and what they’re meant to do is something that we have to pay close attention to when we talk about the Wonder Duo’s rise to success.

Izuku Midoriya (緑谷出久), as some of us may know, does have an interesting meaning when broken up. According to a lovely fan translation of his name, ‘Izuku’--while not an actual name used commonly in real life--means to ‘Come out’ or ‘Long time’. ‘Midoriya’ on the other hand means (Midori) ‘Green’ and (ya) ‘valley’. The translator further pointed out that his first name ‘Izuku’ could be a reference to him being the first legendary hero to come out of the long-running All Might Era. (or, if you’ve been reading @/bakugoukatsuki-rising’s posts, the first significant anime protag in a long while to come out as queer, ppfft)

but that isn’t my focus right now.

We know that Hori LOVES telling stories with names, and more often than not in the BNHA universe, names alone tell us a lot of things about the characters. When referring to Izuku’s last name, Midoriya, it’s important I think to step back and realize that hey, maybe there’s something more to Green Valley than just the fact that his motif is all green.

After searching for a lil on the specifics of green valley, I’ve found out that across many cultures, the colour green and valleys in general tend to represent life. From dream analysts, to Christianity, and even old Taoist teachings, valleys are seen as areas of fertility and escape. They are seen as safe havens and often escapes for people to come to after running away from bad circumstances.

(Sound familiar?)

Deku, in essence represents life and peace. He represents being the “salvation” that the world in BNHA needed. To me, it sounds like Horikoshi is trying to say that he is the long-awaited hero in the sense. The one that people can feel will create a society that feels safe for everyone after years of All Might just saving people from themselves as a band-aid solution.

On the other hand, we have Katsuki Bakugou (爆豪勝己), who’s name we commonly know means (Katsuki) Winner and (Bakugou) Explosion Master. He is essentially, the champion. The power. His name means success and power and all the things that make up winning.

When putting them side by side, it then becomes increasingly... interesting to me how their names almost perfectly slot into All Might’s save to win and win to save mantra, and how they are both quintessential parts to what made All Might as a hero.

2. Hero Too!

Now, I’m not even gonna really TOUCH much of what happens in canon. If you want me to do a step by step breakdown of their arcs in regards to the plot of manga and anime, feel free to send me a gratuitous ko-fi tip so I can pay for the headache I get after trying to organize my thoughts into word vomit.

What I WILL talk about on the other hand, is the subtle shift both of them slowly have in regards to how they look. Bakugou and Deku, while growing up, seem to have MANY many parallels--but before I elaborate on all of that, I wanna talk about something else.

Detour: Deku’s Red Shoes

We all know the iconic symbol being Deku’s red shoes. For all his life, save for some outfits like his hero one, we see Deku more often than not wearing his signature red sneakers which have become a running joke in fandom.

But the funny thing is, in Japan, red shoes seem to have an interesting connotation.

In 1922, a popular Japanese nursery rhyme was written, called “Red Shoes”. The interesting part to me about this song was the symbolism that, in my tiny pea-sized brain, I could connect to the story of BNHA.

The story goes that there was a little girl with red shoes named ‘Kimi’. She was from Shizuoka prefecture (which, if you didn’t know, is most likely where Musutafu supposedly is) and was raised by a single mother. When she was young, her mother had to entrust her with a foreigner under the impression that they would give her a better life in America. The stranger is a man named Charles Hewitt (who was described to have blue eyes) and supposedly took her away.

The singer of the song (supposedly the mother, but some argue it was written from the perspective of a childhood friend) believes that Kimi is happy and living a better life away from them, when the reality of the situation was much worse. The young girl with red shoes in actuality had Tuberculosis, and thus the foreigner whom she was entrusted to had left her to fend for herself and eventually left her to go to America while she died alone and orphaned.

“When I see red shoes, I think of her.”

A very interesting story with very interesting implications indeed.

Anyway, moving on to the more... “nuanced” and connected parts of this section, I have every reason to believe that Bakugou and Deku were simply MEANT to be working together down to how they dress. Now, I’d like to discuss their hero costumes.

At the start of their series, using these godawful pics for reference, it’s clear to see that neither of them seem alike in any way--reflecting the dissonance in their relationship at that point in canon.

ough. deku why. (yes we know why its because you love your mom you stupid little bunny <3)

Anyway, we see an immediate gap in how the two of them are. Deku’s first costume is one that reflects how he treated his dream of being a hero. He was still in that childlike idolization phase, the one where his dreams and aspirations were hinged on pure feelings and inspiration from All Might. Katsuki on the other hand was a lot more tactical--professional to an extent. The gap between their respective development with their quirks is something that is clearly felt in every fashion decision they’d made.

(Notice how Deku’s green is a lot brighter and less like the green accents Katsuki has all over his costume.)

As time progressed however... their costumes changed. The colors, the silhouettes, the practical functions, most things.

(Deku’s Gamma Costume and Bakugou’s Winter Costume used respectively)

we begin to notice a few similarities.

As the show goes on and we see more evolutions of their costumes, it almost seems like they begin to look like a matching pair. Deku’s green grows darker and almost teal in nature, while Bakugou’s orange is veering towards red territory. This is important to note because red-orange and blue-green as I said earlier were complementary colors as compared to simply orange and green. The minute shift is something I really wasn’t quite sure was intentional, but something I find interesting to pick up nonetheless as the colors they used to accent their costumes begin to match up.

Secondly, I think and important thing to note is silhouettes. The way that both Bakugou and Deku’s costumes are designed follow a lot of parallels that typically we don’t see with the rest of 1-A. For one, they both have a combination of tight long-sleeved tops with a bulkier set of bottoms. They also share the use of utility belts and metal pieces typically worn around their necks. Deku has his bunny-eared hood that mimics All Might’s hair, while Bakugou has his orange and black explosion ear-pieces that mimic his own quirk.

i don’t think any other people in class 1-A match each other as subtly yet strongly as these two. Uraraka and Deku and Bakugou and Kirishima do come close however.

“But Codi, you fucking knob!” I hear you plea. “This is such a reach and tells us practically NOTHING!” And yes, I’m inclined to agree with you! You’d be sort of right in the idea that this is a reach. Maybe I am looking too much into this, and maybe it really isn’t that deep--but I do think that them subconsciously matching outfits means something quite brilliant.

In the way that their costumes are designed, each aspect of either outfits have a very logical explanation. The changes were strategic and made with their fighting styles vividly in mind, so what that tells me is that BECAUSE these costumes are so complementary or similar in nature (Bakugou’s reinforcing his arms while Deku reinforces his legs), these two are implicitly showing the audience that their combat styles are complementary as well.

The evolution of their design choices and similarities tell us that even unknowingly, their minds line up in strategy on the battlefield--a clear exhibit for why they would be INCREDIBLY POWERFUL as a Hero Duo to begin with.

When I look at their hero costumes side by side, I see a mirror. I see the way that these two are reflections of each other and are strong where the other isn’t. The point I see in BNHA repeatedly is that EVERYONE HAS A WEAKNESS. Nothing is infallible, regardless of how hard you train or how powerful your quirk is. Everyone will always have a weakness, but the significant difference I see when fandom discusses the future of Pro-Hero Society is that the new generation is finally raising itself to be RELIANT on each other.

Observing their fighting styles and the simple use of their quirks, its obvious that they are indeed two parts of a whole hero. Bakugou, who’s quirk emphasized his arms and hands and the power that comes from it, while Deku who’s quirk now emphasizes his legs and lower body and the way he’s always running to save people.

IN CONCLUSION:

As they become heroes, it is easy to assume that if nothing else, Bakugou and Deku will cover each other’s weak spots (especially when you consider the way Deku probably won’t be able to keep using his arms with the way both the anime and manga are going...) (also chapter 285, anyone?)

Part Two: Interactions, OfA

kofi || commission details

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redxblueihateloveyou · 4 years ago

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I'm surprised people see Tadashi as the victim in his relationship with Ainosuke, when it's Tadashi the one who time and time again takes away Ainosuke's agency, without being able to see that he is throwing him unto unhappiness. I can't help but think that if Tadashi was not working at Shindo's house, Ainosuke would have maybe left or broke with the family. But he can't do that if he wants the relationship with Tadashi going on, seing how Tadashi is set on enforcing the family rules...

Hmm.. I def agree with the fact that Tadashi is not what most fandom makes out of him, my man (I mean, Adam’s man) is a 100% Slytherin. But I disagree with blaming him for this, after all the revealed info. The environment they were both raised in made their situation complicated.

I like Tadashi a lot, he’s probably my fav thing about this anime, bc he’s a dark horse, and I’m once again surprised, that so little ppl see him for who he really is, portraying him as an innocent puppy, which he is definitely not.

Now to why I think both Tadashi and Adam are victims of the dad and aunties in this situation.

We can of course say “if only they told each other how they really feel...”, but like we can say it about any love story really. Every author knows it’s no fun. The truth is that yes, they both hurt each other, and yes, if they were honest about their feelings things would’ve been different, but as I’ve already wrote under that “toxic” commentary on YT, lets look at the whole situation from both of their point of views:

We know that Adam when he was little always treated Tadashi as an equal, he never ever thought of him as someone lower than him and after their fall out, the only reason for this “harsh” treatment (well, besides their confirmed kink) was that Adam tried to get a reaction out of him, so Tadashi would stand up for himself, bc Ainosuke got mad about Tadashi caving to his dad’s wishes and abandoning him, when he needed him the most.

But now, knowing the fact that Tadashi was his dad’s secretary and was under his control, let’s see it from his perspective: Tadashi wanted to stay by Adam’s side, Adam’s dad implied that if Tadashi did say smth, he’s gonna be.. well, dismissed and they won’t see each other ever again. That’s what caused Tadashi to stay silent in that moment. Ainosuke instead saw this as a “he’s not on my side” thing, well, because. Tadashi won’t tell him his problem, bc dad and aunties control everything, so even if he does tell him, what a teen would do really? He didn’t have any powers back then to make his dad do anything.

And that’s when it all gone to shit, since they both were hurt for their own reasons. It’s easy to say leave the family, but 1stly nobody explained to Adam still that he’s physically and psychologically abused by his family, he sees it as them “loving him” and sadly also loves them, bc nobody told him, that love wasn’t supposed to be like that really. He definitely feels that smth is not right and feels emotionally exhausted there bc of this treatment, but did he ever consider leaving? I really don’t think so. He feels obligated to be worthy of a family, who “loves” him.

Do you think, for example, that Akashi Seijuro hates his dad for what he did to him? No. Does he understand that he wasn’t at fault for what happened to him and that his dad instead of comforting his child after his mother’s death, who was his only safe haven, made everything worse? I don’t think he does. Like his mom gave him basketball, an escape from all that family’s obligations and strictness. After her death, it was the only thing left that brought him joy, but his dad ruined even that, saying that if he’s gonna be bad at it/lose, he’d take it away from him too. Does Akashi see this as emotional abuse? No, he sees it like “well, I have to be the best bc I was born in such powerful family, so if my dad says that I must be best at everything, then I must.”

I personally hate such parents a lot. To me it doesn’t matter if Adam’s dad didn’t know about aunties hitting his child. Like if he was too busy to notice this and have no time for his kid and made his childhood miserable, it doesn’t make it any better really.

Same as with Akashi’s dad. Some are like “he was probably also grieving about his wife”. Emm? He was like this from the beginning, bc he treated Akashi not as his son, but as his heir. And yes, that’s different things. Same with Endeavor and Todoroki. Your child is not your post production thing.

2ndly they were too young, even if they knew about each others feelings and he didn’t feel obligated and told everyone to fuck off, they’d be on the streets now, but also Adam’s dad doesn’t seem like a guy who’d leave them alone really. Also eloping seems very romantic, but I don’t think it is, esp when you’re teens. Did you want him to sell some expensive watch and go live on Hawaii or smth? Bc finding a decent job there would be difficult at this age, esp with everyone knowing who your dad is. Chen Ke from “Antidote” survived bc he was 27 and had connections and some great friends. Adam was in high school, where would he go exactly?

Now let’s go back to now. Obviously all this time it didn’t even cross Tadashi’s mind that for Ainosuke he comes first and that he would throw everyone under the bus to make Tadashi stay with him. As we see at the end, he legit believed that Adam was planning to send him to jail and didn’t get that he said it just to shaken he up and that he knew who he’d set up for this from the beginning.

To Adam obviously it doesn’t matter whether they’re in a quarrel or not, he would never him go. Yes, he’s mad at him, he’s angry and hurt, but Tadashi’s still the person he needs the most, he’s still the person who brightens his days, even tho he deliberately behaves like he annoys him. He always looks at him and looks at him and looks at him, but then hisses smth to hurt him. Bc he knows that he needs him, but he also hates that he needs him, bc he thinks it’s unrequited.

And that’s how their classic romance goes in hellish circles. No one wants to talk as usual. Adam is mad Tadashi is like that bc his dad turned him into a slave with no opinion, while Tadashi is scared that Adam would be taken away from him bc of his ugly family.

Now I still think that no one and I mean no one can take Tadashi from Adam now, he is his precious. So my plan is... if Tadashi made aunties do smth against him or to get rid of him, aunties will go for sure. The problem is Tadashi still doesn’t get that he comes first, so we’re stuck in this hell still.

So anyways, my point is Adam’s heart basically sings “you got a hold of me, don’t even know your power” to Tadashi, but he doesn’t hear it, bc of his insecurities, the way he was raised and his status. But yes, he holds all the power. He’s both Adam’s sanity and insanity. No matter how cheesy it sounds he was basically his only ray of sunshine in the darkness, if you take it away, that’s what it leads to, that’s why Ainosuke-sama needs more ppl who care for him. I don’t want anyone to die next time, just cause Tadashi and Adam fought about where to put their new couch lmao. I’m kidding, but you know what I mean. And kill the aunties, pls seriously, we need to be free.

Also ppl need to remember that like lots of animes/characters are parcially inspired by some other animes/characters, also the chosen seiyuus are also very important, there are lots of stuff like jokes and references, that creators use, from characters being fully inspired by smth like “Assassination classroom” characters based on KNB, to little stuff like Levi dressed in Akashi’s uniform in chibi AOT bc Hiroshi Kamiya. Utsumi already said before stuff like she sometimes think of a perfect voice for the character and then fully forms him, we also know her clear love for sports animes. So yes, I doubt Tadashi/Kuroko thing is a coincidence and even tho someone was like “zone? is this knb or smth?” I was like no, zone is actually a common thing in sports, even tho most associate it with KNB including me, it’s not like its their invention, but there were things inspired by this for sure, and from other sports animes too and no, I don’t mean the basic sports anime tropes, I mean, like way too specific things, some character designes, too. And yes, Langa appearence and personality wise is a rinharu child for real, I can literally split his scenes in “that’s Haru”, “that’s Rin”.

That’s why I’ve said that this situation in fandom reminds me of Kuroko/Akashi situation a lot, bc same as here in KNB ppl for some reason automatically thought that Kuroko is this innocent sheep and Akashi is the wolf (but also like it was Akashi who chose to dress as red riding hood, while Kuroko was a wolf lmao), not even seeing who is in reality more dangerous and who can easily control who. It just buffles me bc it’s not some deep analisys really. I mean once again there’s a reason for the saying that the sub holds all the power over the dom.

And like just bc someone yells or threatens ppl constantly doesn’t necessarily mean he is a psycopatic killer, and just bc someone is quiet and doe-eyed, doesn’t mean he isn’t. I didn’t think we needed to explain this to someone, but aparently we do?

And it honestly kills me just how superficially ppl are watching things these days. It really gives me war flashbacks to stuff like the last mdzs s1 episode, where ppl started to comment things like “how LZ can be so heartless” lmao. Or that anonymous ask “do you think haru misses rin?”. Like you don’t see thing at all? Grey substance no needed, while watching things?

P.S. I also would die to see Adam vs Tadashi race just bc I for some reason can bet all my money, that it’s the same situation as with Akashi refusing to ankle break Kuroko, no matter how mad he is. I just can’t imagine Ainosuke hitting Tadashi in the face with a board. Like 100% sure he wouldn’t even try tbh.

#answered #anonymous #tadaai #tadashi kikuchi #shindo ainosuke #adam x tadashi #sk8 #sk8 the infinity #anime #this is what i think about these two at least

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omegawolverine · 4 years ago

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I love it when people talk about things they're passionate about, tell me something cool!! Anything you want, just something you find interesting or want to talk about :D

hello anon my beloved, I am in a bad mood so you will be receiving a passionate, yet lowkey of pissy rant about why villainizing bakugou makes me wanna vomit and its NOT just because I'm a dumbass kinnie :)

tws: child abuse (emotional and physical), near death expierences, bullying, kidnapping, suffocation, lots of trauma in general tbh. if you've seen bnha then basically just keep all the general triggering plot stuff in mind incase i missed any warnings

also, note: I havent caught up on bnha in a minute, I'm at like the start of the war arc but I barely remember shit there tbh so like. probs missing new stuff. also bnha spoiler warnings lol

so, for starters, the homie bakugou has like,, a good handful of issues that come from his childhood that explain why he's an ass. he was always praised and never actually reprimanded for being a twat which led to him having a huge ego that ended up fucking him over majorly. this ego was something that his mother acknowledged him having, but literally didnt try to fix it with anything other than violence. see here:

like, instead of trying to help him, she hits and insults him, which is probably what led to his weird inferiority/superiority complex. being constantly told by others that you're outstanding and one day you'll be a top hero because you're rude and aggressive and then going home and being hit by your mother for those exact same behaviors is bound to fucking confuse a child.

so like, now that we've established that its definetly canon that his mother (parents? I think he said parents at some point but masaru doesn't seem like the type so 🤷) hits him though we don't know how much or how often (though if bakugou was as much of a little shit back then ((which as far as we've seen- he was)) then it was probably often), lets talk about how regardless of all that 1) hitting your kids as "discipline" not only doesn't work but is abusive lol like idc if it's spanking/popping them on the mouth for talking shit, slapping them across the face "on occasion", etc. shits not okay 2) hitting your kids!!!! does not work!!!!!!!! it is literally PROVEN not to work!!!!!!!! hitting a child who has done something wrong doesnt teach them to stop doing something it teaches them to be scared of you, which will cause the child to withdraw, removing part of their support system (assuming said abusive parents would even offer that up) and will most likely lead to them thinking they're a bad person, not that their actions were bad, which are two different things. so, ya know, that would clearly have an effect on a kid. like, as someone with a mother who reminds me all too much of mitsuki: I have acted like a complete shitbag and taken my anger out on people to feel better in the past because of the way my mother treated me. though it was nowhere near what bakugou did, I still know first fucking hand what a mother hitting and insulting her child will do, especially if they have no proper outlet for that (friends, a safe place to vent) which bakugou never fucking had.

theres also the fact that just talking to your kid the way mitsuki does (saying it's his fault he was kidnapped because he's weak, all while hitting him) is not??? okay?????? ive seen people arguing that this was just a joke in poor taste but like her son was KIDNAPPED and even if it was a "joke" there's literally NO WAY that would EVER?? BE FUNNY??????? she just sounds like the kind of parent who at the very least says shit without thinking that would traumatize bakugou (because being told right after being kidnapped it's your fucking fault by your mother is absolutely traumatizing) but it comes across as her being emotionally abusive.

mitsukis character as a whole comes across as a shitty mom who doesn't realize she's a shitty mom and thinks bakugou being an ass isn't at least partially her fault even though she's admitted to realizing he has always had an ego problem and doing nothing to fix it except for hitting and yelling which obviously did nothing but make him just as loud and violent as she is.

this is obviously not the entire reason why he's a dick but he was never properly taught that the shit he was doing wasn't okay and people not stopping it and/or praising him endlessly even tho he was a bully is basically the same as encouraging it, thank you very much.

moving on from that, let's talk about bakugous other traumas and how he naturally responds to them. hint: it's with either full blown panic or a fight response (verbal or physical, though usually physical. also sometimes it's the panic followed by the fight response.)

so far in bnha (keep in mind that I am not caught up, I've only read up to the beginning of the war arc and i barely remember those bits so) bakugou has...

nearly died via sludge villain (he was unable to move and was being suffocated to death- keep this in mind)

lost for the first time ever and against deku of all people (this nearly sent him into a full blown panic attack, likely because of that sexy little inferiority/superiority complex combo. think of this as like. gifted kid burnout lite. he has always been the best of the best and now suddenly he is being beaten by somebody who has always been weaker than him, which immediately makes him start thinking he was never actually that good, he's actually a fucking failure, a goddamn fraud)

won the sports festival by default (bakugou counts this as yet another failure because todoroki didnt try his best. had bakugou lost to todoroki full strength, he would've taken 2nd place with a bit of bitching, but he still wouldve taken it rather than refuse the medal as it would be a reminder that he failed. instead of accepting that like UA shouldve, the staff chained and muzzled him on live television and then had all might, his fucking idol, force the medal into his mouth. remember the sludge villain incident and how he couldnt move and was suffocating to death? yeah.)

been kidnapped because of the way he reacted to winning during the sports festival (he was aggressive and tried to refuse the medal because he felt he didnt deserve it and was then retraumatized by being chained up and muzzled. his "villainous attitude" was a fucking trauma response, do not tell me otherwise)

was then chained up once again by the LOV after being kidnapped,,, do we see the "retraumatize bkg" theme yet?

"ended all might" (he literally blames himself for all mights retirement because had he just not have been weak, all might wouldve had more time, right?)

my point with all of these is that bakugou has been severely traumatized and has then had his trauma responses (aggression, fight) used to further demonize him. not all people with trauma react the fucking same and the way the fandom just refuses to acknowledge anger as a valid form of trauma response is gross as hell.

moving away from that topic, bakugou has literally never had any actual friends, they all just used him and didn't care about him which absolutely will fuck up a kid, especially one who already has all that other shit going on. bakugou deadass never had a support system or people to help him grow as a person, let alone properly work through his fucking emotions so it's not surprising that he would take out his bullshit on the one person who tried to help him especially considering he saw dekus actions as him thinking he was weak. bakugou was raised to not seek help, he thought somebody strong shouldnt ever need it, so for somebody like deku (who bakugou percieved as weak and helpless already) to offer up help? deku must obviously think bakugou is even weaker than him, what other explanation could their possibly be!

speaking of which, there's his heaps of insecurities that he basically hid by being a twat and bullying others for most of his life. kid was so insecure he bullied deku for fucking years cause he thought deku looked down on him, thought he was better than him, etc. and that only got worse bc his idol then decided to take deku in, train him and even give him his quirk. there's probably some shit im missing but still he's got issues and always has had issues. that being said, he's actually improving and working them out now which is what makes him a really good, interesting character. it's also nice to see a character who is a dick without some tragic backstory (like his backstory is sad but its not the classic "my family was fucking slaughtered and i turned into a raging bitch who murders people" type shit) bc that rarely happens and it's like most assholes don't actually have a story like that they're just assholes lol

now lets talk improvement! lil bitch has been getting better since he got into UA and im so happy abt it!! he had a rough start what with deku suddenly having a quirk and all but like he is really improving now and it highkey shows that bakugou just mostly needed people who 1) didn't constantly praise him and actually criticized him instead 2) actually fucking punished him doing stupid shit and 3) some motherfucking friends

Since going to UA he's gotten actually feedback from teachers about his weaknesses and how to get stronger, he's lost against others, hes been told he has a shit attitude and is a dick, told he should be nicer and leave deku alone, etc etc. He hasn't gotten in trouble too much with teachers but others give him shit for what he does and aizawa has punished him too, while still acknowledging that bakugou is an amazing and dedicated student, something which no one else had done up til that point. and uh???? homie actually has friends who like,,, don't use him and also call him out when he's a dick. like specifically kirishima has done this shit and him and bakugous relationship is clearly very healthy and beneficial for the both of them. makes me feel all happy n shit, ya know

bottom line is: while it is absolutely valid to dislike or even hate bakugou because he is a massively flawed person who has been very cruel to others, villainizing him for the way he acts which in large part seems to be from a lack of guidance, a shitty mother and heavy amounts of trauma, is fucking awful. his actions cannot be fucking excused, he needs to apologize and continue to grow, but he is also a fucking teenager, who is just now being told that the way he acts is unacceptable by people who dont fucking abuse him (and I swear to god if any people who think mitsuki isnt abusive interact with this fucking post I will fullstop hardblock you, I do not fucking care) and actually treat him like a normal person instead of some prodigy child or someone who needs to be fixed.

people are free to debate my points or whatever bc I know some of this stuff is up to interpretation but like. dni if you're just here to say you hate bakugou for xyz reason or that he's irredeemable. also especially dni if you compare him to fucking endeavor yall bitches make me gag.

anyways thxs for the ask anon <33 sorry this is a kinda messy info dump lol

#shit self #asks #boku no hero academia #long post #bakugou katsuki #yes i am a bakugou kinnie shut the fuck up /lh #this is all /nm btw its just so much easier to make my long posts aggressive yk #this is just how i talk irl but Better Formatted #info dump #kinz #anti mitsuki #discourse #bangerz

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c-is-for-circinate · 4 years ago

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So as close as I am to fully escaping Hades for the first time, I figure I might take this opportunity to write down a couple of things I'm scared of from this ending. The story is so good so far! But I have seen good stories before! And there are patterns, right, patterns it's so easy for even good stories to fall into, so yeah, I have fears, and they mostly come down to Hades himself.

(Yep, this one got long again! People seem to be enjoying my game-reaction rambles, so, for your enjoyment under the cut: themes of separation and reunion, predictions for what Zagreus is the god of, and a whole lot of discussion of familial abuse dynamics, how they're depicted in fiction, and the work it takes to change them in real life. Stay warned! Stay safe!)

(ALSO, I still haven't made it past the first couple of chambers in the Temple of Styx, so no spoilers in the reblogs/comments please! Yes, even though the whole post is me going on about predictions and hopes and concerns about the path the story might take. I WILL GET THERE SOON.)

It has been really interesting watching some of the stuff the game is doing with themes of parting and reunion, and how that corresponds to life and death. So many of our social links are about reuniting estranged loved ones: Chaos and Nyx, Eurydice and Orpheus, Patroclus and Achilles. Hades is estranged from Olympus, Persephone left. And every time we leave, or try to leave, it is both an attempt at a parting (and Meg and Than are so hurt by that goodbye, or lack thereof) and an attempt at a reunion with our mother. Every time we die it's a reunion, every time we die it's fun, it's great, we get to go back home and check in with all of our friends and be impressed by whoever made Employee Of The [Timeperiod] and sell fish to the cook and put down yet more rugs. (My Zagreus has something of a rug addiction. What can you do.)

It's at the point where I feel pretty secure in stating that Zagreus is going to discover eventually that he is both life/death/rebirth god, and god of partings and reunions. Both halves of both of those things. People leave each other when they die and re-find their loved ones in death; you go away from one group of people to come back to another; you have to depart to return, and I really think that's where we're going to end up with Zagreus. He's going to reunite his various friends with their loved ones, he's probably going to restore communications between Hades and Olympus and even Persephone, he's going to reunite with his mom, and he's going to come back to the Underworld before he leaves to see everyone up top all over again. And of course the vehicle for all of this coming and going is death, because death is the ultimate departure and reuniter. (This is absolutely a religious concept containing a whole bunch of "oh hey our culture has a lot of Christian influence, doesn't it", Greek trappings aside, but that's fine, it's a game made in 2018 not 300 BC, these things happen. They keep calling the Underworld 'hell' and 'infernal'. It's all good.) Of course he's a cthonic god. Of course he bleeds, because you have to bleed in order to die, and Zagreus has to die again and again and again. That's his whole thing.

Thing is, though, looking at those themes, I am also continually aware of the fact that some partings are for a really good reason. Some partings should not end in reunion.

Yes, of course this is about Hades the abusive dad. I have been talking about Hades the abusive dad basically non-stop since I started playing this game, where did you think this post was going.

There are a few things I'm nervous about, separate but related, and at the core it all comes down to, I'm not okay with it if we learn why Hades got to be this way, and Zagreus forgives him as we-the-audience are meant to do, and Hades promises to do better, and nothing concrete about the situation is forced to change. Actual, meaningful, practical, logistical, non-hypothetical non-metaphorical change, not just for Zagreus but for Hades himself.

Because I know how this story tends to go, in fiction. Fictional abusive parents (especially in fantasy/sci-fi stories) tend to come in two types: 'coerced their offspring into actual murder with a side of physical abuse and optional unethical lab experimentation', or 'this was here to create character conflict, we didn't mean for it to read as actually abusive, this parent just has flaws to make them a good character, we swear!' Hades isn't the first type--we have never once seen Hades strike his son, or anybody, or even come out from behind his desk--which means that the fear is, always, always, in every piece of fiction, that he's the second. That the writers are going to decide that the right response to his abuses is remorse, forgiveness, and one really good conversation. That they don't realize it's abuse in the first place.

And, like. They have to know, right? They have to. They can't have done this by accident. (Sometimes, writers get so close by accident.) They can't have done so well at drawing out this situation simply by going, 'well, people are meant to fear this god, so they'd probably react like this, and I guess based on what I've seen in other stories or vague acquaintances they'd then do this,' and never put the name on the situation. Every single time we leave to the tune of a Hades word-flash, he's being dismissive, insulting, and sometimes downright cruel. He is cruel. They have to know!!!

But oh boy have I been consuming media for a lot of years, and oh boy have I run into a lot of writers who don't know.

Reconciliation is such a loaded word, but stories about dysfunctional families really do love it. Stories based around themes of reunion are primed for it. And of course, it's nice, it ties a happy ending off with a sweet little bow, everyone gets to be with the people they love and the family is safe and nobody gets hurt, but so rarely have I seen stories that show the actual work required to rebuild those relationships in a realistic or meaningful way. So rarely do stories trying to build that happy ending actually let the victim of abuse set and maintain boundaries. The character never gets to actually just cut the damn ties to the thing that hurt them. The character so rarely even gets to be safe.

And it's so hard in this game specifically, because "THERE IS NO ESCAPE", because every single thing about this game says that the story's not over when Zagreus gets to the surface, that no matter what he's going to have to come back. It's so hard, because this is a game about reunions. I am not going to get an ending where the abused kid trying to flee his toxic home and abusive dad actually gets to leave and stay gone, not in this one. And that hurts (I have watched and supported and done my best to help multiple real-life friends get the fuck out of homes like that, and stay gone, I have seen how hard it is, how complicated, how awful, and there are never stories for that), but I can live with it, if I get an ending where Zagreus is at least safe. Where things change. Where they really change.

Which is why I need actual, concrete, material changes in the logistics and power structure of the Underworld for this ending to be okay. Understanding why Hades is Like That doesn't cut it. Remorse doesn't cut it! Because look, even if Hades wants to do better, even if he admits he's at fault and tries to be better, he is still set up in a position as an all-powerful tyrant, and trying to become a better person is hard. There is nobody around who can keep him in check when he starts backsliding, which he will. Even if he doesn't want to, he will.

Because people are people, and it's really difficult to break patterns! Especially if everything around them stays the same. Hades is going to slip at some point, be cruel, be callous, be tyrannical, no matter how much of an effort he's making. Not to mention, it is STRESSFUL to face your own crimes and improve, it sucks, it feels bad. And what do habitual abusers do when they feel bad? What's the only coping mechanism Hades appears to have established for dealing with his own shit? That's right, it's inflicting suffering on everyone else around him. (This is why it doesn't really matter what circumstances drove Hades to act this way, why it can't matter--I believe that he is suffering, but he copes with that suffering by inflicting additional suffering on everyone around him, everyone who relies on him, and that's still true no matter what made him feel bad to begin with.) So then we just get a great old guilt-->lashing out-->more guilt-->more lashing out merry-go-round of abuse even as Hades is trying to change. That's how these things work. And yes, change is possible, improvement is absolutely possible, but the environment needs to change first. The system that enables and rewards Hades for acting this way can't stay in place. Things need to actually change, with people who are around to support Hades in his growth and also check his power, people who have power of their own to stop him. And however it happens, for this story with this protagonist with these goals to feel like a happy ending, Zagreus needs to be safe.

It would be okay, though a little disappointing, if those changes were mostly based in magic and fate and, idk, divine mind-control. (This story has been so grounded in actual human dynamics that a fantastical solution to a realistic problem would feel like a letdown, but if it actually solved the problem I'd be okay with it, more or less.) It would be okay, though a little disappointing, if the responsibility for bringing Hades to heel fell upon Zagreus and Persephone, if the two family members who he hurt badly enough that they felt the need to run away from him entirely now had to shoulder the burden of helping him fix himself. (There are definitely ways to write that dynamic better and ways to write it worse, and I think I trust these writers to land on the 'better' side of the scale, but I still don't love the implications.) I think I'd be pretty into it if Hades took a vacation off to Olympus to Work Out His Shit with his own family, while a coalition of Meg, Nyx, Thanatos, Zagreus, and Queen Persephone took over running the Underworld in his absence. I think we might end up getting some combination of those things. I'm hopeful. I think these writers might know what they've written. I think they might have a sense for what it'll take to fix.

But yeah, I'm nervous. (Nervous enough that I might switch to God Mode just to get through, combat has started getting really tedious instead of fun, I want to know what happens next, and this is a game and there is no shame in making it more fun for myself by making the boring parts a little quicker and easier.) I've seen so many stories go wrong. This one has done so much to earn my trust. We'll see if it breaks.

#Hades game #Hades spoilers #driveby meta attack #C plays stuff #I have so much hope!!!!~!#I have so much fear!!!!!#DO NOT TELL ME WHAT THE ANSWER IS GOING TO BE!!!!!

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normal-thoughts-official · 3 years ago

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I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR BEAUTY AND THE BEAST IDEA. But may I also propose: Magnus cursed from a young age (probably bc of Asmodeus) that anyone who touches him is hurt by a blast of magic he can't control. (This may result in his mother's death). He locks himself away of his own will. Alec teaches then that it's fear that makes him lash out. Featuring: touch starved Magnus.

this idea is GENIUS actually and i love it. tbh me and my friend have a similar idea that we talk to each other about (lol) but it isn't a B&B thing, its more of an adventure AU. anyway, lets go!

so in this universe i guess magnus banished asmodeus like in the original sh verse but asmodeus cursed him with the "everyone you touch will be in indescribable pain" thing. maybe just as revenge, maybe to try and use it as bargaining chip because okay magnus, is it freedom that u want? u want to be able to have ur own friends and ur own life? fine. get me back, and ill leave u alone, and ull be free to have friends again. if not, ull be still isolated just like before. so is it gonna be win-win, or lose-lose?

but magnus doesn't budge because he knows that if he lets asmodeus free things will only get worse not only for him, but for the whole world. he is too dangerous to be out there. so, magnus resigns to his fate

and i guess in this version he wouldnt have a lot of close friends because he had been with asmodeus his whole life before he was cursed, so he was just. alone in his self-imposed isolation with no one to talk to. maybe he enchants the furniture so they gain sentience but they can't really feel pain, so at least he has someone to talk to. god im so fucking sad already

so is the furniture his friends in canon? im not entirely sure how i feel about that but also the idea of ragnor as that clock from the original movie is great. thats my most important thought on the subject ngl

btw its 4 degrees Celsius in here so im typing with gloves on so ull have to excuse my typos i am a mere brazilian and i want death

anyway okay so i guess his friends are like pieces of furniture that he spelled into sentience and they aren't his servants or anything cuz that's gross but they just like, hang out. wow im actually managing to type pretty well all things considered

so at least magnus has people to talk to but he's still touch starved because you know... a clock can't hug you and that'd just be weird. maybe them becoming sentient was an accident? lmao like magnus just wanted to automate some functions like having the clock talk to tell him the time or something and it turned out that they became sentient. possibly his magic is a little fucky because of the curse so that's why that happened? or maybe he just is way more powerful than he realizes and we all know he invented the spells he used to try and automate the things anyway. but if he gets people to talk to, well, he's not complaining

im focusing too much on this. anyway. id also like to note that im making rapha the cook/stove thing because i mean, come on. it's right there

and ok i guess alec comes into this because he uhhhhhh no u know i might go with that izzy thing. so izzy ran away from home because of maryse's bullshit and alec was sent to bring her back. so he was going after her but in the middle of the path there was the whole wolf attack thing that scared off his horse and LUCKILY magnus' house/tower/whatever was right next!!! so of course they take alec and his horse in but also WHOOPS there's a huge snowstorm that lasts for days (par the course for where magnus lives, actually. he DID want somewhere people would avoid. but also i think maybe his magic being fucky has something to do with it) so i guess alec is stuck at magnus' for the foreseeable future

which is HELL for magnus because he is terrified out of his mind that they will accidentally touch and alec will be hurt. and like.... his Constant Crave For Touch is already bad on a regular day, but having someone who could actually hug him in theory just makes it worse, you know? he hasn't interacted with other human beings in so long, just having one there is enough to make his need for touch almost unbearable and just... completely constant. it's hell

so magnus is scared, which means that he keeps to himself. so he tells alec not to go into his room, he tries not to eat at the same time, and other stuff like that, bUT his friends keep sabotaging his plans because they want him to have another friend, jesus christ!! (rapha being like "come on now magnus, you don't want my soup to get cold, do you? i'll be deeply offended. i guess you have no choice but to eat with alec". so magnus goes but the first thing he does is magic his regular table into a gigantic rectangular table with 41908410 seats and seat on on the side opposite to alec. alec just sighs

so like he's constantly coming across as rude because he is trying to avoid alec, alec just doesn't know why

but alec is also a stubborn bitch who goes stir crazy and refuses to just sit around isolated doing nothing while they wait for the stupid storm to finally be over so he can go get his sister. and magnus saved his life, so it's the least he can do to repay him in some way. besides, this is what, the first time that he's been completely away from his mom? for such a long time too? and he's finding that he feels... weirdly free and just relieved and he doesn't want to waste that opportunity with standing idly around alone all day. he had enough of that at home, thank you very much

besides yeah magnus is being rude but alec is used to straight up assholes and abusers (jace. i'm talking about jace. also maryse ofc but mostly jace) and magnus is not that. in fact he makes very polite conversation and is actually pretty fun during dinner, all things considered. he's just.... super private, i guess

AND magnus' friends are all being a nightmare with the making them interact so you know. they end up interacting. and alec makes it a point to help him take care of his house because it is a certified Depression Lair™. magnus can take care of it magically but it's like... so dark and almost suffocating at times and there is stuff like bad painting and piping problems that he never bothered to fix because it isn't affecting the functionality too much but it DOES makes life harder and alec "everything must be at 100% always" lightwood is not here for it so for a few days they are working on fixing the house and... magnus actually feels a lot better when the place has actual sunlight and looks inviting and like a home, he has to admit. when he says that to alec it might be the first time he's given him a real smile and man, is alec smitten

sidenote i guess this means that magnus doesn't exactly... dress well in this au lmaoo i mean it makes sense too because canonically magnus uses dressing up as a way to convey an image of power and untouchability and he doesn't really need that in this AU since he is completely isolated. so i guess he is a bit more like twi magnus - bare-faced and wearing comfortable clothes and the like. this isn't a twi au i'm just saying that it makes more sense for him to dress like that in that context

anyway. after the whole house fixing thing, they officially become friends. it turns out that alec also knows a bit about what it's like to feel isolated and touch-starved (altho he's always had izzy to help in that department, but still) and also what crappy parents are like. magnus shows alec his little mirror that he's enchanted to be able to show him anything he wants and how he uses it to be able to see all the places in the world he'd like to visit - he loves people, he loves culture, and sometimes it's all he can do to watch what's going on in Mumbai and it makes him feel a little better, so, he does that. he also admits that sometimes he catches on some drama happening and uses the mirror to see the people involved and make sure they are okay. kinda like a soap opera of his own but he has the means to interfere and help because of magic, so he will have someone who's struggling with money suddenly find hidden cash or have an "unknown dead relative" give them a lot of money in their will, or something like that. and if he also watches some of their personal drama that unfolds, well. he is lonely and it's not hurting anyone

but magnus doesn't tell him about the curse, and he still makes sure to keep his distance. it stings a little to alec, but it hurts magnus the most because fuck, maybe he just desperately needs someone who will give him the time of day, but he likes this guy and that only makes it harder to keep his distance. he makes it a point to always be at at least two arms length from alec, which alec thankfully respects and doesn't try to get him to breach, but. shit. it's still so hard to not want to just rest his head on his shoulder or get a hug or even fucking touch pinkies like stupid children and he can't. alec even once jokingly suggests that they have a ball since magnus doesn't know how to dance and magnus is actually excited for a second before he remembers that he can't, it would have to mean that alec touches him, and he can't

someone - maybe ragnor - even suggests that maybe he could try gloves and heavy clothing so alec isn't really touching him but magnus refuses to try because he doesn't want to risk it not working and alec getting hurt, because he'd never forgive himself. besides, getting a taste would only make it hurt more. he can't. he can't

but it's alright because at least he has some human company - he loves his friends, he does, fiercely, but it's different when they kind of have no choice but to be with him and also are enchanted creatures. he doesn't even know if they aren't nice to him just because he enchanted them into life, even tho to be fair if he had a choice ragnor wouldn't be that grouchy - and alec makes him laugh and gets him and helped make his place feel more like home, a little bit. and he can pretend that he feels the warmth from alec's body when they are sitting by the fire and feed these crumbs to his desperate need for touch and company

and then the snowstorm ends and it's time for alec to go

honestly, alec himself is kind of heartbroken, but- he loves his sister, and he can't just leave her alone in god knows where, even if he dreads the thought of coming back home now that he's been away from his family for so long. but magnus doesn't want to keep him, and doesn't want alec to feel pity for him, so he's all but pushing alec out of the door (not literally, of course. he can't do that, it would mean touching him) all "go, go, you never know when another storm might start. go see your sister. take my mirror, you can find her more easy". and alec's all "but it's been the only thing-" and magnus waves him off, of course, all "i can always make myself another one. besides, you'll have something to remember me by. now go"

so.... alec goes

and hooo boy magnus is heartbroken and a mess because even tho he knew how much having someone else there helped he had almost forgotten what it was like to be the only human in the house. he just feels extra lonely and even kind of bad about it because hey, his friends are there - not that they begrudge him for it, of course. it's not like they don't also hope for the chance to get out of the house and do other things, but well. they can't. so they understand him. and they know how awful he's feeling right then, but what can they do?

meanwhile alec finds izzy pretty quickly - she's living with this one insufferable villager named clary that alec absolutely can't stand, but- she's happy. and she doesn't want to come back, which alec expected, but he finds that he can't actually insist for her to come back. how could he, when he himself doesn't want to go?

and izzy insists that he stays with her - there's no reason for him to come back. they can stay in the village, and work, and build a life for themselves. alec is the only thing she's been missing ever since she left, and in here the both of them can actually be happy. and do it together, like they're meant to

and when he first gets into the village is the first time since izzy ran away that he was hugged and fuck, it's hard to say no to her

but also... he misses magnus already

and he doesn't know if he can just stay and leave him behind

and of course izzy is like "who is magnus?" so alec tells her the story, how he was attacked by wolves and rescued by this house that miraculously was in the middle of the single most inhospitable placealec had ever seen in his life. and the kind but wary stranger who always keeps his distance but seems so eager for connection, who made alec feel welcome and laugh and feel like he built a life for himself there

and clary tells him that she's heard of the story, but she never knew it was more than a legend - no one really remembers what happened. some say that magnus made a sacrifice to rid the village of a demon, and it turned him into a beast, forever locked in his castle. some say that he himself is the demon, and it's the tower that's containing him and keeping the village safe. some even say that he died battling the demon, and it's his ghost that keeps watch on the tower

she wants alec to explain which one is true, but it's all alec can say that none of these are right and he knows nothing because magnus never told him. all alec knows is that he doesn't want to leave magnus behind

and clary is like... well, if he's not a demon or a ghost, maybe we could bring him to the village too. he has magic, right? he could bring the tower closer. and maybe the other villagers could, you know, visit him and hang out. and he wouldn't be as lonely, and then alec and izzy could both stay

driven by this failproof plan, they decide to go back to magnus and tell him their great idea

except they are IDIOTS and forget about. you know. the damn wolves

and like holy shit is this pack big or what? like no seriously why are there infinite wolves in that one singular pack in beauty and the beast. like holy shit dude there's more wolves near the beast's house than in the whole yellowstone park

anyway there are Many Wolves and while alec is a good archer, izzy is a fantastic fighter, and clary is Fucking Crazy if you give her something stabby, there's only so many wolves they can take on at the same time

good thing magnus is a pining idiot who did in fact make himself another magic mirror and was watching alec with it. so he knows that the dumbass is in trouble and for the first time in years, he uses the portal (his own invention, and he had never gotten to use it before!) to get to them and fight off the wolves

so magnus saves all their lives, at the cost of getting severely injured and passing the fuck out. izzy, who's the one closest, runs to get to him and help put him on one of their horses... and is immediately hit by a blast of magic that almost makes HER pass tf out too

which is when they finally learn that, oh. that is the curse

izzy is fine, of course - the pain ended as soon as she was away from magnus

but it does pose the problem of How The Fuck Are They Getting Him Back To Safety, because they can't exactly wait for magnus to wake up (it's freezing, for starters) but with this amount of pain it won't be physically possible for them to hoist him up and get him on the horse. shit, will the curse work on the horse?

they bring alec's horse (by far the strongest of them because alec is huge buff mcgee) and try to get him to touch magnus and the spell does NOT work on the horse because in order to be dramatic asmodeus was like "you shall never feel human touch again" when he cast the spell, which accidentally gave a LOOPHOLE for non-human animals. so magnus could have had cats the whole time, which he had always dreamed of, but he didnt want to risk testing. besides, his house would be a poor environment for a cat and [self torture noises]

anyway thats one less problem to deal with, 99 to go, so they use some ropes to hoist magnus on top of the horse and bring him back to the tower (it's closer than the village) so they can tend to his wounds. thankfully, as the assigned Big Brother of a very irresponsible izzy, alec has experience with first aid, altho he never really dealt with anything quite this bad. and magnus' friends help, too, as much as they can. inevitably this means that alec ends up touching him even if by accident sometimes, but he knows what to expect so he Powers Through It because he won't let magnus die, damn. and as horrible as that is alec has experience with powering through pain, so. he's gonna bandage him up god damn it

izzy can't stand to see him dealing with that himself tho, so she helps, and clary ends up helping as well because they figure sharing the pain makes it easier and alec doesn't have to be too hurt. minimal touching accidents for alec! good

*narrator voice* And Then Magnus Wakes Up And Alec Hugs Him

full on launches on top of him and brings him into his arms and Magnus screams like NONONO OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALEC NO GET OFF ME YOU'LL BE HURT and his shock and distress at the whole thing sends another whole blast of magic that explodes that whole mf before it can touch alec and alec feels no pain and magnus is like.............. did i just COUNTER the spell? and everyone's like well! it looks like u did!

which earns him ANOTHER hug (oh my god alec stop he's so stressed out by this) (who knew alec was so touchy?) and this time he's paying attention to that gut reaction and because magnus is a Certified Magic Genius he realizes what it is that he's doing to counter the spell and immediately starts working on a way to turn this into unhexxing himself for good

which he DOES after some time idk how long but alec stays with him meanwhile and maybe izzy and clary do too, because magnus needs all the company he can get and besides, izzy has always wanted adventure and clary has never left the village before, so this is interesting to them at least. and magnus gets to meet new ppl which is nice

eventually the Begone Spell spell is performed and it works and turns out that when it does that it also unfucks magnus' magic and perfects his sentience spell turning all of his friends into humans WOW WHOD HAVE THOUGHT. so all of them are free to leave the tower as ppl at the same time and GROUP HUG!! and magnus cries like a baby in the group hug because holy shit hes been needing something like this so bad for so long and he never expected to have that with his friends but here he is :)

and then yeah they all move to the village to live a simple but fulfilling life and Magnus and Alec start living together in a little cottage and become husbands the end <3 this is so long too rip me

#sh #shadowhunters #malec #magnus bane #alec lightwood #izzy lightwood #lightwood siblings #clizzy if u squint #beauty and the beast au #part 2 i guess lmao #ask #shum-baby #long post #abuse mention

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mallowstep · 3 years ago

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(Reed anon again)

Just--wtf did Riverclan do with Reedpaw when everyone was rescued? Even in Canon? Like, poor fucking Mistyfoot--two of her kits are with her, but her third and final kit is still in enemy territory, still underneath Tigerstar's paw, Blackfoot is still his mentor. If even a *hint* of Reedpaw's true parentage got out, he'd be fucked. He and Leopardstar would both probably be dead, Leopard carrying Tiger's legacy or not. Tbh I wouldn't doubt Tigerstar'd be petty enough just to kill all of Riverclan itself. Like...Greystripe, you fucking LIVED in Riverclan for a few fucking MOONS. How do you forget or at least NOT recognize/remember the queen that nursed your kits' own kits? You told Firestar you visited them every chance you had. Like...Grey, I get you were worried for you daughter, but dude...you left a child who you saw as a baby to a toddler (thereabouts) under a war criminal. Someone you KNOW had a subordinate who was not against poisoning kits with deathberries. Someone who tried to kill his OWN apprentice. Then, in the Leopard AU, this kid is stuck in the apprentices den during the rescue. Leopardstar and Mudfur cannot get him out without alerting Shadowclan Apprentices. They chose Mistyfoot and Featherpaw's heath and safety (which, at this point it's better than nothing.) And Misty has to choose Feather when Mudfur leads them out of their prison. He then gets to see the absolute horror of his LEADER, murdered, loose a life, to this Monster, see her go through what his mother did, only that IT'S far, far, worse than anything that'd been done at this point. He sees his clan's medicine cat turn against their leader, verbally agreeing and harassing her...just... this poor boy.. In Canon, Misty Au, Leopard AU it all sucks. Dark AU, not so much--still horrific, but Blackfoot is Reed's father in that one, so as his mentor Reed's safety is somewhat assured had Tigerstar not realized Reedpaw was Misty's kit, and that Misty's kits had not all died.

oh my god anon why r u so Damn Good at making me feel things

okay okay okay hm. i'm just gonna -- yeah i'm just gonna put the whole thing under a cut bc i'm a lil too tired to do the thing where i start with the pg-13 and below stuff and then do a cut.

cw: sexual assault, parent being involved in sexual assault of child

heck if i know. i'm like. 100% sure mistyfoot's kits were forgotten about. they were nameless characters for a Long time. reedpaw isn't in any of the allegiances for riverclan in tpb. i...like. i've read tpb how many times? and i honestly didn't know mistyfoot had kits until i checked out the warriors wiki and was like. oh. she had kits? with blackclaw? what the fuck?

i wouldn't put money on it, but i have a feeling the scene involving mistyfoot and her kits could be read as riverclan kits in general. again, wouldn't put money on that, it's just a hunch.

anyway, i kind of just. mistyfoot could have had another litter in the year between tpb and tnp, or during po3, or literally any other time and then we wouldn't have the reedpaw problem (tm).

WAIT

WAIT WAIT WAIT I WAS LOOKING AT THE WARRIORS WIKI AND

HE'S AN APPRENTICE IN TNP

what the FUCK

he's fucking like. several YEARS old. he's 2 and a half years old and he's a fucking apprentice oh my god just give mistyfoot a second litter it is not that hard.

actually. since mistyfoot's litter isn't named...new hc that reedwhisker is a different litter? hm. anyway.

my tangent on the reedpaw problem aside;

oh yeah, he's so fucking dead. imo prob not him and leopardstar -- riverclan would Riot if their leader was killed, and tbh, so would part of shadowclan -- but him and blackclaw. damn.

and yeah? idk? god. i don't know. tbf he's not in prison i don't even know. altho. actually, to give greystripe some credit -- the fact that mistyfoot doesn't ask to go back for him and how risky the riverclan rescue is, i think "not going back" is actually a reasonable choice.

honestly do we have an erin statement that reedwhisker is part of the same litter as prim and co. it's not on the wiki. i want to know. because i think everyone just assumed he was and -- maybe there is a statement but i want to see it.

because mistyfoot is not the type to abandon her kit. like. what? no. mistyfoot? mistyfoot? my brother just died but i am fucking fine get me the hell out of here mistyfoot? no i know i'm starving but like hell you can apprentice featherpaw to someone else mistyfoot? you're telling me SHE would leave a kit behind without so much as a word about him? fat fucking chance.

in conclusion, unless someone can provide evidence an erin said reedwhisker was part of mistyfoot's first litter, i'm going to assume the intention was that he was a second litter.

and back to the actual topic, now that i'm done for real hopefully.

yeeep. he can't be rescued. and -- mistyfoot has very few choices here. featherpaw is dying, reedpaw is safe for the moment, she won't get another chance. she's not happy about it -- she misses him so terribly much -- but she doesn't. yeah. god. that angst. i hope like. someone somehow just Tries to let reedpaw know it wasn't voluntary.

(i'm not Much One for "you left me you didn't love me" angst if you Can't tell. a pinch of it for flavour, but not as a main plot line, y'know? nothing wrong with it it's very good i just don't like writing it.)

god -- god. in my mind tigerstar takes the life from leopardstar privately bc riverclan would fucking riot but just. reedpaw realizes what's happening. so he follows bc of course he does. he's not the reason tigerstar knows what's going on, but he thinks he is.

and he's there hiding and he sees tigerstar kill leopardstar and hears him tell mudfur what's going to happen and he's sitting there in a bush or something just trying not to so much as twitch because he's so dead if tigerstar finds him. he's so fucking dead.

so he just sits there until long after tigerstar and leopardstar and mudfur have left and when he gets back to camp everyone wonders where he went and he can't explain.

and it feels terrible but he realizes tigerstar is still gloating over everything because as pissed as he is that he lost mistyfoot -- now he's truly taken out every thread of riverclan's leadership.

(frankly no i still think tigerstar's most effective control method for riverclan would be to tell stonefur that if he messes up, he'll kill the apprentices and/or mistyfoot and/or rape mistyfoot, and do leopard au on leopardstar, therefore getting all 3 riverclan leaders in blind obedience to him. he'd have to be much more discrete about leopardstar, maybe convince the clans it's a political thing, i'm not sure. the point is, nothing would Visibly be wrong, all three leaders are just going for this, and so of course riverclan would go along with it. but tigerstar's too much of a prideful asshole to appreciate another culture in enough depth to manipulate them effectively.)

anyway. so reedpaw realizes like -- ah yes. i'm escaping punishment because tigerstar is distracted. and -- god. yeah. oh my god.

and at first like -- he doesn't like. witness anything. tigerstar has some sense of subtly. not a ton -- but enough. direct evidence would be a problem. so no, reedpaw is just sitting with this knowledge in his head. mistyfoot escaped and she was carrying tigerstar's kits (was she? he hadn't seen her he misses her so much he hopes prays she's safe), so now leopardstar is going to.

and the thing about letting things sit like that is that the brain is very, very powerful.

(He called my mother a whore, Reedpaw thinks, and he wants to throw up when he remembers it.

Tigerstar and Leopardstar and Mudfur are having a conversation again and Reedpaw thinks of how Tigerstar would wrap his tail around Mistyfoot, like they were mates, and he wonders what Tigerstar would say if he didn't have to pretend.)

so. you know. yeah. good angst oh my god.

and now mudclaw has flipped from -- one of his best protectors to a great enemy. see, here's the thing. tigerstar only tells mudfur he's going to make him watch. leopardstar ain't dead that long. so reedpaw doesn't know what shadepelt knows and shadepelt would tell him but if shadepelt tries to talk to reedpaw...bad for the both of them.

and reedpaw is around blackfoot and blackfoot is a good guard and how long until -- reedpaw is asked to tell blackfoot something while blackfoot is on guard and he hears mudfur say, "You're a slut like your mother" and he -- can't. maybe he freezes, can't remember what he was supposed to tell blackfoot.

("Spit it out," Blackfoot says, but Reedpaw can't remember why he's even here.

"Even your own father thinks you're just a useless whore," Tigerstar says. He's not speaking loud -- Reedpaw would have to strain to hear the words if his entire world hadn't narrowed down to them.

"Reedpaw," Blackfoot growls. "Spit it out.")

hm. yes. god. bad. good. damn.

and yes the dark au seems like. once again "the angst is very different so i don't know how to rank its magnitude because emotions don't work like that" but. on one hand -- his dad. protection. safety. good. on the other -- his dad really did let two of his siblings die and his mom get raped, huh.

hm. good stuff.

#ask #anon #reed au #misty au #leopard au #dark au #yeah we hit all of them #mine

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ashdoesfandomarchieved · 3 years ago

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Star Trek Lower Decks Fic Recs

(most of these are by the same rotating five writers bc our fandom is That Small. Still, all of these are absolute gems and worth your time. Please DM me if I forgot to put a fic on here of y'alls or if a link doesn't work <3)

you wanna kiss me so bad it makes you look stupid by InsideMyBrain

shipwide crises are a lot more enjoyable when you have someone to make fun of. unless you’re the person being made fun of.

Everything Is Fine by UncreativeIndividual

After several months serving together, Tendi begins to realize that she feels for Mariner as more than just a friend. This is not ideal for her.

The Mariner Protocol by bauchle

AKA: Beckett Mariner's Guide to Scoring With Hot Space Babes

When she learns that Rutherford is crushing hard on Tendi, Mariner selflessly takes it upon herself to coach him in the fine arts of court ship. She even drafts Boimler to help her out, though for some reason he's less than enthusiastic about the whole project.

Cue movie nights, flirting "workshops", and 400-year-old mixtapes - not to mention melees, arguments, and maybe a minor shipwide crisis. This is definitely going to end well.

im standing guard (im falling apart) by @lastoneout

“Dude Barb is way out of anyone’s league, trust me. She’s so perfect it’s freaky.” Beckett continues, “I don’t know if you noticed but it did nearly drive me insane.”

Brad falls silent for a moment, giving her a weird look that she wilts under.

“Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?”

It's Going Great, Why Do You Ask? by UncreativeIndividual

The sequel to Everything Is Fine.

Mariner and Tendi have been dating in secret for a few months. It's going well, though the former does wish to keep the relationship a secret despite the latter's wishes.

Then, Mariner's mom, Carol Freeman, starts to suspect something is up with her daughter. T'Ana gets stuck in the middle as the only one aware of the relationship, and Boimler & Rutherford are just confused as to what's happening. You can probably s ee where this is going.

are you lonely looking for yourself out there? by @lastoneout

He knew listening to her message would only make him feel worse, but he reached over and pushed the play button, waiting for Mariner’s angry voice to fill the room, reminding him of what a jerk he was.

“Boimler?” Instead of angry, her voice was quiet and groggy, like she’d just woken up, and Brad froze, quickly realizing two things. He must have hit the call button on accident, and he was totally, completely fucked.

- or -

After having a shitty day on the hell ship that is the Titan, Boimler gets drunk and accidentally calls Mariner.

i loved you then and i love you now by @punk-rock-yuppie

Seven years after the end of their friendship, Beckett and Brad meet again.

Enjoy, Endure, Survive (a surprise) by @punk-rock-yuppie

Five times Boimler surprises Mariner with something, and one time she beats him to the punch.

Letting the Days Go By by @punk-rock-yuppie

It’s been three years since Bradward Boimler left his three closest friends on the Cerritos to take an ill-fated stint on the Titan.

It’s been two years since he came back from the Titan with his head hung and his metaphorical tail between his legs.

It’s been a year and a half since Mariner cornered him and told him, drunk and hushed, that she missed him so much it felt like a missing limb.

No Time Like The Present by @lastoneout

If there’s one thing Beckett has learned about Brad Boimler in all the years they’ve been friends, it’s that he has an intense—and frankly worrying—flair for the dramatic. So she isn’t exactly shocked when he decides to confess that he loves her in the middle of a fucking red alert, but that doesn’t mean she’s happy about it.

Love Your Fate (which is in fact your life) by @punk-rock-yuppie

Five out-of-this-world shenanigans that try to get Beckett and Mariner to confront their feelings for each other, and one time these two idiots finally do something about it.

a collapsing star with tunnel vision (but only for you) by @punk-rock-yuppie

The night before Brad transfers to the Titan, he and Beckett have a one night stand.

Of course, everything gets a lot more complicated after that.

Terminal Infatuations by ProdigySorcerer

A collection for my Rutherford/Tendi fics, will have multiple stories, AU, etc.

Future Nostalgia by sprucetree

Various oneshots about Mariner and Boimler.

Chapter 1: Fletcher spills a secret about Boimler. Chapter 2: A Titan mission gone wrong leaves Mariner worried. Chapter 3: Mariner and Boimler prepare for their wedding with all of their friends and family in attendance. What could go wrong?

Who Says You Can't Go Home? by @punk-rock-yuppie

Brad knows how his reunion with Mariner will go: not well.

Spoiler alert: Brad is wrong.

Delicate by sprucetree

Various oneshots about Tendi and Rutherford.

Chapter 1: Tendi and Rutherford both work well as friends, sure. But are either of them ready to make the jump to being a couple? Chapter 2: After the accident, Rutherford wakes up.

Maybe, Perhaps, Almost by @punk-rock-yuppie

It's a tragedy, the way our story goes: maybe, perhaps, almost.

Mindless in a Worthwhile Way by @punk-rock-yuppie

Beckett and Brad's first date on Earth goes a little awry.

____

I'm also here to shamelessly promo my own fics.

#star trek lower decks #stld rec list #star trek lower decks fanfiction #star trek lower decks fanfic #stld fanfiction #stld fanfic #marinler #tendiford #tendiler #beckett mariner #brad boimler #d'vana tendi #sam rutherford

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ffwriterbts · 4 years ago

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Lunar- BTS Werewolf AU Part 6

AN: As I’ve said before, if slowburn BTS werewolf AUs that have springlings of angst, smut, and fluff, this is the story for you! Other than that, please leave a like or comment so I know you’re enjoying the story!! The sections should start getting longer as I keep updating :)

Also! Let me know if you want to be on a tag list for this story!

Word Count: 8.1k

Warnings: PARENTAL ABUSE; BEATINGS; mentions of gang activity; general angst; mental health issues; soulmate themes if you squint: seriously if you aren’t into angst don’t read this bc :)))) it’s angsty

Posted: 17 Jan 2021

Tag List: @happynightmareprincess

Masterlist

Previous Next

But as always, things don’t last forever. Good things rarely last for long enough to really savor them, especially around all of them.

It was during one of the lovely movie nights that YN’s phone started ringing. At first, YN tried to ignore it, not wanting to be rude during the movie, but when it just wouldn’t stop ringing, she made way too many embarrassed apologies as she went to the other room to answer it.

“Hello?”

“YN! My darling daughter! I’ve been calling and calling, don’t you ever pick up for your mother anymore?” YN blood ran cold as she heard the voice she hadn’t heard since she had fully moved into her uncles home.

“I- I’ve just been unloading groceries mom, I couldn’t get to the phone.” The lie falls far too easily from her lips, just like so many others had before.

“Well at least you’re eating, dear.” The sickly sweet tone made YN want to puke, even as she listened more to the woman she had the displeasure of calling her mother on the other end of the line.

“You need to come back to the house, your dear great aunt has passed and you need to come for the funeral.”

YN takes a deep breath before she responds, not wanting to sound too eager.

“Oh, Mother! Of course, I’ll come in! I can stay at the hotel do-” YN starts,

“Nonsense! I’ll be damned if my daughter stays outside of the home when she’s in my city! Your father will be absolutely tickled that you’re here again.” YN’s mother spoke with such assuredness that YN almost agreed without a second thought, not wanting to anger the woman.

“Of course Mom, I’ll stay at home.” Her voice is barely above a whisper, all the fight that is normally in her tone gone from it in an instant, even slipping into the same vernacular she had when she was younger.

“There you go dear, isn’t that much nicer? It’ll be a joy to have all you kids under one roof again, even if it is because of something so nasty.” YN could feel a headache coming on as she listened to her mother drone on about what the dress code was, and how she was so heartbroken, and on and on.

“Are you going to be bringing anyone with you? Huh? It’s been such a worry that you’re all alone up in those woods.” YN is snapped back to attention at the words, and she quickly says that yes, she will be bringing someone with her to the funeral.

Secretly, she has no idea if any of the boys will even want to go with her, but the prospect of going back to that house without one of them to protect her made her feel even worse than the clearly fake worry laced in her mother’s voice.

“Wonderful dear, I’ll be sure to make up your room so it’s nice for the two of you. I’m very progressive, you know.” YN can feel the hot tears making tracks on her face even as she says a quick yes to her mother, listening to the woman drone on as she tries to find a way out of talking to her mother for any longer than she has to.

“Listen Mom, I’ve got to get these groceries put away, when should I be at the house?” YN’s voice is shaking, timid. She’s forgotten completely about the boys in the other room, consumed with the fear of what was to come.

“The funeral is on Saturday, so you should come down Thursday afternoon, to make sure you’ve got time to talk to everyone before you head back out to nowhere. I expect you before noon.” YN’s mother hangs up the phone after she speaks, and YN lets the phone clatter to the floor.

YN is quick to follow, her legs giving out from underneath of her. She is expecting the jolt of hitting the floor, but instead is drawn quickly into the arms of one of the boys. She clenches her jaw, feeling like she’s just overreacting. It's not really that bad, right?

“YN, hey, it’s okay.” YN realizes when he speaks that it was Namjoon who had stopped her from falling to the ground. She could feel the words riverbreate in his chest as he told the others to go back into the living room and fully picked her up, taking her into the other room as well.

“We’re here for you YN, it’s okay. You can’t get hurt here, remember?” Jimin is off to one side, rubbing her back as YN curls up on Namjoon’s lap, burying her face in the crook of his neck.

She’s embarrassed. She feels like she’s overreacting, like the memories of what it was like living in that house aren’t really real and she’s just made the whole thing up. YN really wanted to believe the simple lies she told people of what her home life was like, but she couldn’t hide anymore. Not from them.

“I- I’m sorry.” YN’s voice is soft, all of the parts of her personality that made her who she was were completely gone as she balled her hands into fists. Absently, she noted how it hurt when her nails dug into her palms, but she didn’t make any moves to unclench her fists. She needed the jolt of pain just as much as she needed oxygen.

Hoseok ended up on the other side of her, and he moved to grab her hands, putting his fingers between her nails and her palms, making her unclench the firsts.

“You don’t have any reason to be sorry Mini, you can’t control the way you react to things like that.” YN barely registers what Taehyung says, smiling absently at the familiar nickname he had given her.

“Tell us what’s wrong, sweetie, let us help you.” It’s Hoseok who speaks this time, wiggling his fingers in her hands, trying to make her smile at least a little bit.

“Someone died.” YN’s voice is devoid of any sort of emotion now, and the boys share glances out of worry.

“I have to go back to that house. To those people. They hate me, because I’m not really theirs. Can-” YN cuts herself off, tears welling up in her eyes despite the fact her voice had a sort of trained evenness to it.

“Can one of you come with me? I- I told my mother that I’d bring my boyfriend but that isn’t exactly what we are and I can’t make the choice myself and I don’t want to go alone and I- I- I’m just- I just” YN chokes on her words, speaking too fast as fear swells up in her chest again.

She shouldn’t have told her mother someone would come with her, it was stupid of her to assume one of them would be willing to go into that situation. She could handle it by herself, after all. How many years did she deal with everything that came from that house completely on her own?

Without more than a couple seconds to pause, there are seven voices saying “I’ll do it.”

YN can’t help but smile to herself, internally cringing at the fact her mother is going to expect a certain level of intimacy. The thought of making any one of them uncomfortable... YN can't even bear to finish the thought.

“Um be-before you say yes, Mother is going to expect us to be, well, t-touchy. And we’ll have to share a bed and I’m sure she will make us kiss to prove that it isn’t fake and- and-” YN starts speaking too fast again, and the seven men look among each other again.

“I’ll still do it.” Again, all seven of them respond without any hesitation and this time, YN lets out half a giggle. With a few final sniffles, YN moves off of Namjoon’s lap and into one of the big, comfy chairs.

“I can’t take all of you!” YN gives a soft smile that is bordering on sad as she looks between the boys that have stolen every piece of her heart. She really didn’t know what she would ever do without them.

“You know what this calls for, don’t you?” Jin is the one to speak up, looking steadily between the other boys.

“Clearly, we need to compete to see who’s most worthy of being with YN during this time, hm?” Yoongi this time, also eyeing everyone up.

“Oh, you all can withdraw now, I’m sure I’ll win.” Jungkook speaks up, a hint of laughter in his voice.

“Shouldn’t you be the one to withdraw, as the youngest?” Jin is being sassy to the younger boy.

“Why are you so confident, huh? Who says I won’t win?” Jimin speaks up this time, raising an eyebrow.

YN just giggled as she watched them go back and forth, feeling much more at ease, and like the whole thing was just some weird fever dream.

With a sudden shout of “rock, paper, scissors!” from Namjoon, the boys were off, engaging in the battle of the century to see who would accompany YN to the funeral.

After three intense rounds, Jungkook let out a yell, having been deemed the victor. Taehyung pouts, but the game stands, and Jungkook is officially the one that is going with YN.

Once the group calms down and everything settles back into a more normal state, the boys start asking questions.

“Um, YN, I hate to ask things that might be painful, but I thought you were close to your mom?” Namjoon speaks up again, looking at YN with a curious glint in his eye.

“Oh, yeah, well, um, basically, er-” YN is tripping over her words, her ears feeling hot as she tries to figure out how to explain what in the hell her home life was like.

“You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to Mini.” It’s Taehyung again, shooting a look at Namjoon.

“No, no, it’s okay I just- I don’t know how to tell you that it’s, well, weird.” YN turns to look at her hands, playing with the blanket she was wrapped up in. “My parents and I didn’t have a great relationship for most of my life, because I was supposed to be their child when they couldn’t have their own. But then they did. My younger brother and sisters are the light of their lives, and I’m just…” YN trails off, trying to find the words to describe what it was like in that house.

“Well, I was there to make fun of. The bad example. The one to take the anger out on.” YN shrugged in a way that made it seem like the words she was speaking were nonchalant, normal conversation, though they were anything but.

“Dad used to hit me when I didn’t do what he wanted. And then make it up to me by buying me whatever I wanted. Nobody cared about the yelling, the screaming, the beatings. All they could see were the things . And Mother was on board with it all, until Dad started to find his pleasures in other women. Then she was suddenly on my side, picking fights with Dad that I always had to take the brunt of.” YN shivers, eyes wide as she grips the blanket tightly. She wills herself not to cry in the silence of the room.

“Mother tried to make things better between us once my uncle died. At first, I believed it too- I needed to, I think.” YN gives a little frown, licking her lips quickly as she unclenches her hands. The boys share looks with each other, the discomfort palpable.

“I believed that she really cared, you know. That she had really changed and things were different. And then I met all of you. I saw the way you cared for each other, the way you speak to each other. Even when you’re angry or upset or mad, you’re kind to each other. It was strange at first, seeing you all be so nice even when you’re clearly big enough and strong enough and skilled enough to hurt each other, if you really wanted to.”

YN’s words this time are punctuated by soft gasps, though she isn’t sure who exactly was reacting.

“Seeing all of you with each other, seeing how you interact with each other. Then seeing and feeling that you treat me the same way? I realized as soon as we became friends that my mother’s concerns weren’t real. You all have shown me more love and kindness in the past few months that I have ever felt in my whole life, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.” YN’s voice was soft again, though not because she was feeling anything overly negative. In fact, she was almost overwhelmed by the amount of love that she felt for the boys that had helped her realize how gentle people could be.

After a few solid beats of silence, Jimin goes and walks over and pulls YN out of her chair and into a hug.

“I love you too.” He says as he squeezes her, being careful not to be too rough. Before YN can really process anything, she’s in the middle of a group hug, with confessions of love being thrown her way from all sides.

YN can’t help but laugh and tell them that she loves them just as much as they love her, feeling more happiness in that moment than she thought possible.

~~~~~~

Thursday had come much sooner than YN had wanted it to. Sure, it had only been a couple days, but YN was still nervously twisting her hands in her lap during the entire car ride. She was thankful that Jungkook had offered to drive, seeing as her nerves were a wreck.

“Do you want to talk more about what is and isn’t okay?” Jungkook’s sweet voice brings YN out of her reprieve.

“Yeah, um, what sort of things are you okay with?” YN can feel the heat in her ears as she asks the question, silently hoping he will just tell her so she doesn’t have to think about it.

“I’m okay doing whatever needs to be done to keep you safe.” Jungkook’s voice takes on a bit of an edge as he speaks, and YN swallows hard.

“Um okay, well, you already know we will have to share a bed, which we did yesterday so it wouldn’t be so weird. And, well, um, you’ll have to hold my hand and stuff like that.” YN glanced out of the corner of her eye at Jungkook to see if he was reacting badly, but she found him sitting there with an adorable smile on his face, eyes focused on the traffic around them.

“And if she thinks we aren’t real and asks us to kiss?” He asks, turning to look both ways before he crosses over a road and seeming not to pay too much attention to YN or her reactions.

“Um well I-” YN starts, pausing to take a deep breath and steady herself. “I’m okay with it if you are.” Her words are shaky, unsure.

“We don’t have to, YN. It’s okay.” Jungkook’s brow furrows slightly as he makes a turn, sensing YN’s discomfort but misreading it as a sign she doesn’t want that kind of intimacy.

“No- I-” YN sighs deeply, twisting the material of the sweater she was wearing between her fingers nervously. Jungkook takes notice of her nervous habit, and he grabs one of her hands in his own as he continues to drive. YN swallows again, feeling her ears burn hotter as she turns to face him a little more. To deny that it was an attractive move would have been akin to some sort of basal, universal mistruth.

“I’m not uncomfortable with it you know, but I don’t want to get used to something that won’t continue.” Her words are soft, the usual bite of her tone is gone, but they are the most sure sounding words he had heard her speak since the whole ordeal had begun.

“YN, baby, if you want physical affection in that way from any of us, all you had to do was let us know.” Jungkook lets out a soft little laugh, giving YN’s hand a small squeeze. Her heart flips at the pet name, so familiar as it falls from his lips.

“But it’s not my place to ask for something I don’t deserve.” The words are out of YN’s mouth before she can tell herself not to say them, that the appropriate response would be to tell the boy that yes, she would love to get more-than-platonic physical affection from them (though it could be easily argued their affection was never platonic in the first place).

“I- I mean that I would absolutely love that sort of affection if you’re willing to give it, um-” YN can feel her face growing hot as she withdraws her hand from Jungkook’s, lacing her fingers together and setting her hands on her lap.

“You deserve everything YN. And you most definitely deserve that kind of affection, we just didn’t want to overstep your boundaries. Any one of us would give you the world if you asked.” Jungkook’s words are simple, and YN can’t help the tears that well up in her eyes. She can feel plainly the love behind his words, and the entire situation is completely overwhelming for her.

She reaches over and grabs his hand again, smiling softly to herself as the car falls into a comfortable silence for the remainder of the ride. YN is grateful, in those moments, that Jungkook isn’t half as loud or crazy as he seems when he’s around Tae or Jimin.

Once they finally pull into the driveway of YN’s family home, YN lets out a shaky breath.

“Promise me you won’t let them hurt me Kookie, please.” It’s a half whisper and it comes out like a whimpering plea. Jungkook can feel the fear that has settled into YN’s bones, and it makes him want to rip the heads off of every single person who’s ever hurt her.

“YN-ah, look at me.” He pauses until she turns to face him, at which point he carefully traces her jawbone. “You’re safe with me. The boys aren’t far away, and nothing will ever hurt you again. You’re ours now, and we don’t let anything happen to our people.”

He looks her dead in the eyes as he speaks, seeming to search for something. YN is looking at him with those big, innocent eyes she always does. Her trust in him, in them, is greater than any fear she had, and he can sense that. And suddenly, their lips connect, soft and sweet. It seems to take all the breath from YN’s lungs and give them more oxygen than ever before all at once, and it’s cut off all too soon for her liking.

Jungkook softly rests his forehead against hers, breathing in sync with her. Absently, he thinks of how both Taehyung and Yoongi will be pouty when they find out he got to be the first one to kiss her, and that just makes him want to do it again and again.

So he does, and YN couldn’t have been happier about it. She wanted to slip into a world where it was just the two of them, nothing else going on, nobody else to worry about.

What she got instead was a very disgruntled looking mother knocking at the window of Jungkook’s car, calling for her to come out. Taking a steadying breath, YN plasters a smile on her face and hops out of the vehicle, to face her mother.

“YN, my dear daughter! It’s so nice to have you back in the home! And who is this handsome devil? Hm? You must really be something special to go for someone like my daughter with your looks.” YN’s mother moves from speaking warmly to YN, to snidely about her to Jungkook.

“I’m Jeon Jungkook, it’s a pleasure to meet you Mrs. YLN.” Jungkook gives a bow, and YN almost scoffs. She doesn’t like the way he’s being so respectful, though she never would have expected anything else. “And I assure you, it’s your daughter who is settling for me.”

YN gives a smirk at her mother’s slight frown at that comment. Of course he would have noticed the crude remark.

They make their way into YN’s family home, taking their bags up to YN’s bedroom before returning to the living area. YN is pleased to find that her brother had also brought someone, and that there were all sorts of family members milling about the house.

Jungkook stuck close to YN for the entire afternoon and evening, rolling up his sleeves to show off his tattoos at every chance he got. He also tended to stand between YN and either of her parents whenever the opportunity was given to him, which YN appreciated more than anything.

Jungkook also found that YN had purposefully let down the last bit of the barrier that was still in her mind so he had complete access to her thoughts and feelings. This meant that, as soon as YN felt threatened or like something wasn’t quite right, he was there to save the day. He had to admit that YN opening herself up to him like that made the Alpha part of him feel absolutely wonderful.

YN, on the other hand, wanted nothing more than to curl up into Jungkook’s arms and have him take her away from there. She was dreading what would happen once everyone else left, seeing as her brother was staying with his girlfriend and neither of her sisters would arrive from college until the next afternoon.

As the people cleared out of the house, YN anxiety levels rose exponentially. The snide remarks were much less hidden as the people left, none of which are missed by either YN or Jungkook. Despite YN trying to field the situation and talk her parents into being a little nicer, they do nothing to mask their ill intent.

YN feels sick to her stomach at the thought of how she once believed that this was the pinnacle of what love felt like, seeking out Jungkook’s soft touches to ease her discomfort. Jungkook, on the other hand, felt more and more like pulverizing both of YN’s parents with each passing second. The anger radiated off of him like heat waves, and honestly, it gave YN more courage to stay calm and not pay attention to what her parents were trying to do. She knew, at the first sight of real danger, she would have Jungkook there in an instant to protect her, and three of the others outside within five minutes.

And so, things went as smoothly as was to be expected the entirety of those first few hours. YN and Jungkook even went up to go to bed without any real issues, which YN was more than grateful for.

The two decompressed in YN’s room for a long while, with Jungkook laying his head on YN’s chest so he could listen to her heartbeat as they both processed the events of the day. YN ran her fingers through Jungkook’s beautiful mane as she tried to figure out what her next moves were. She felt oddly safe, which she completely attributed to Jungkook and the rest of the pack.

It was nearing midnight when YN stirred under Jungkook, carefully moving his half-asleep from to the side so she could sneak downstairs for a glass of water. She hadn’t realized just how thirsty she was until she tried to swallow and her mouth was just completely dry, so down the stairs she went.

Jungkook, being the big baby he is, insisted on her giving him a kiss before she left, asking her if she needed him to come with. She just giggled, telling him not to be silly and to go back to resting.

YN was as quiet as she could be going down the stairs, not wanting to wake anyone up. She had gotten all the way to the kitchen and grabbed a glass for water when the deep voice of her father startled her.

“What in the world are you doing down here?” His voice is gruff and slurred. Turning around to face him, YN can smell the alcohol from across the room.

“Nothing sir, I’m just getting water.” YN’s voice is small and she can’t bear to look at her father as he stalks closer to her.

“I know what you’re doing with that boy upstairs. The only way some thing like you could have landed that boy was by opening your whorish legs for him. Did you even last a whole week before you were on your knees, huh?” His words bring tears to YN’s eyes even as she wills herself not to cry.

Upstairs, Jungkook’s eyes snap open as he realizes what is going on, feeling the distress coming from YN.

“N-No sir.” YN’s voice is so unsure, she even sounded like she was lying to herself.

“Yeah right” He spits at her feet, grunting as his grimy hand reaches out to grip her chin, forcing her to look up at him. “A bitch like you? If you didn’t open your legs, you must be running drugs for him. Is that it? Uh?”

YN struggles to break away, to deny the claims even as her father’s grip gets tighter on her jawbone. He takes another swig from the bottle he had been drinking, grunting and throwing it across the room when he finds it empty.

Harshly, he tosses her head from his grip, another crude grunt falling from his lips as he watches his daughter fall to the ground.

“I never understood why your uncle liked a worthless bitch like you so much. That house was supposed to go to us, and here you are, living in it like you deserve to live there! Like you took care of them! Like you wanted it!” His words get more and more harsh as his face turns blotchy, anger and disgust lacing his words.

As he raises his hand to strike the girl that is cowering before him, making claims about how this is all she will ever be good for, YN squeezes her eyes shut and prepares for the pain that is to come. She waits for the familiar sting, her heart seeming to beat out of her chest as one beat passes. Then another.

She hears a sickening crunch, but doesn’t feel... anything. Then there comes another, and another, and the various sounds of flesh hitting flesh. YN still doesn’t feel anything, so she slowly cracks open her eyes.

What she finds when she opens them is one seething Jeon Jungkook absolutely destroying the man who had tormented her her entire life. She can both see and hear bones snap under his sharp blows. She can see the blood pour from his split skin. She can hear the too-loud cries of her father as he tries to harm Jungkook in vain.

Despite the carnage in front of her, YN can’t help but let out a happy sort of smile as she rushes forward, not wanting Jungkook to kill the man. There isn't a doubt in her mind that murder is the only thing on Jungkook's mind.

“Kook, Kookie! Stop!” YN yells, dodging his elbows as she tries to get into his line of sight. “Don’t kill him!”

YN finally manages to grab onto one of Jungkook’s arms and tug him backwards slightly. He looks quickly at YN before turning and spitting on her father, growling out a quick “Don’t you dare touch our YN ever again ” before turning fully to YN and drawing her into his arms.

He was covered in blood, but in this moment, YN really couldn’t have cared any less because it all felt like it was over. She pulled away from him slightly, not caring at all that he had gotten blood on her clothes, and tugged him down to her level for a kiss. She could feel his muscles still flexing even as his arms fully wrap around her frame, though she knows she isn't in any sort of danger.

“Thank you” she breathed, tears slipping down her face even as she felt nothing but a wild sort of happiness.

“Come on baby, let’s get our things. The boys will be here soon, we can go home.” Jungkook presses another kiss onto her lips as he brushes the spot on her jaw where her father had gripped it, wanting to wipe away all traces of the disgusting man off of his precious Omega.

YN holds onto his hand tightly as they make their way upstairs, gathering the few things they had gotten out hastily. It dawned on YN that it looked almost as if they never really planned to stay there at all, with how little they had unpacked, and she was perfectly okay with that.

It wasn’t until they stepped outside of YN’s bedroom that they met their next challenger. YN’s mother was absolutely fuming as she ran up the stairs, screeching in that horrible high pitch of hers that they were going to pay for what they did.

“YN! You filthy bitch! You ugly whore! You scheming cunt!” The screeches come as YN’s heart drops into her stomach. She feels the way Jungkook tenses beside her, ready and willing to hurt the woman if she deserves it.

“What the fuck did you do to my husband? What the fuck is wrong with you! We took you in, we cared for you, we loved you! We fed you and clothed you! And this is how you repay us? Huh?” YN’s mother is too close to them now, though a sharp growl from Jungkook sends the furious woman back a couple steps. She may have been completely irrational, but she wasn't actually stupid.

“No I-” YN starts, at least trying to talk some sense into the woman.

“NO! NO!? You ugly little whore! You and that freak need to get out of this house, right now!” YN swears her mother is going to pop a blood vessel, and honestly, she’s not sure she would really care.

“Mom please-” Again, YN is cut off by her mother’s devilish voice.

“No! We never should have taken you into our home! We never should have signed the papers to make you our responsibility! You and that oaf you call a boyfriend are just a pair of worthless bastards!” At this point, even Jungkook’s warning growls and glares do nothing to make the woman back away, but it isn’t until she reaches out her hand to push YN that he really steps in. He captures the woman’s wrist in his hand with a practiced sort of ease, stepping between YN and her mother before he speaks to the enraged woman.

“Listen here you worthless hag, you are going to step aside and let our darling girl pass. You are going to attend to your dipshit husband before he bleeds to death, and you are never going to speak to YN again. Do you understand me?” Jungkook’s voice holds an edge that YN had never heard before. She can almost hear the way her mother’s wrist muscles strain, threatening to tear as Jungkook’s unrelenting grip tightens.

“I said, do you understand?” His voice drops into a lower register as he motions for YN to grab the bags and move past him. As much as he is sure she wouldn’t mind her mother getting hurt, he doesn’t want to do anything more in front of his sweet girl.

YN brushes past him with the bags, oddly calm for everything she had witnessed. She is sure that her lovely Kookie will take care of everything, and that there will be three other boys waiting for her outside, ready to whisk her away.

When she opens the door, she is immediately swept up by someone, the bags dropping to the ground as she is spun around. It had only been a few hours, but the events of the day had left the entire pack on edge.

“Thank the heavens you’re okay.” It isn’t until he speaks that YN realizes that it’s Yoongi who has hold of her. YN doesn’t say anything, instead clinging onto the boy like he was her world. Yoongi carries her to the car, going to put her in one of the seats until she looks at him with those beautiful eyes of hers and asks him not to go, and suddenly she is lovingly curled up in his lap.

Meanwhile, Jungkook is only just coming out of the house as YN is settled into the car. He spots Hoseok and Jin putting the bags in the back of one of the cars. The two rush up to him and ask if anything else needs done, to which Jungkook shakes his head. He silently hands his keys to Hoseok as he heads over to the passengers side of his own vehicle.

“I had to break the woman’s wrist. I don’t know if the man will live or not. We should leave.” Jungkook hops into the vehicle, collapsing down into the seat in exhaustion.

Hoseok and Jin share a sideways glance before they quickly switch keys. Out of the two people that had been in that house, Jungkook was the more likely to need medical attention, so Jin would drive him back to the mansion. Hobi would follow in the other vehicle, keeping an extra eye on YN and making sure Jin got updates as needed.

They all knew that there would be plenty of questions to be asked and answered in the morning, but for the time being, they were focused on getting YN and Jungkook home and rested up.

~~~~~~

Once they pull into their driveway, Jungkook and Jin go straight into the house, knowing that it would be their job to brief the others about what had happened. Yoongi refuses to let YN down, carrying her into the house as Hoseok opens the doors for the two of them.

“I’ll keep her in my room tonight, to make sure she’s okay. You go make sure Kookie's alright.” Yoongi speaks softly to Hobi when they reach the living room, giving the man a soft smile.

“You know what to do if you need anything.” Hoseok says simply, returning Yoongi’s soft smile as he gently rubs YN’s back. She hadn’t put the remaining barriers back up in her mind, so both boys knew that YN was absolutely exhausted and just trying to figure out what in the world the jumble of her thoughts were.

Honestly, her brain was a mess but it was clear that YN really didn’t want to be alone right now, which the boys respected.

Yoongi didn’t set YN down until he very carefully placed her on his bed, looking at her in the light properly for the first time. She had a very visible bruise on her jaw from where her father had gripped it and blood all over her clothes from Jungkook.

“Go take a shower princess, I’ll get you something to sleep in.” Yoongi’s voice is soft as he gently moves her head to get a better look at the bruise. He couldn’t deny that it made him angry that someone had marked his Omega. “It’ll make you feel better, I promise.”

YN just looks at him with those big eyes of hers, sadness in her gaze even as she felt comfort in his gentleness. With a little more gentle prodding, she makes her way into the bathroom, Yoongi getting her a fresh towel for when she finishes.

She spends quite a while in the shower, the warm water relaxing her as she tries her best to scrub every trace of her family from her skin. It took YN a lot of thinking to decide whether the entire ordeal had been worth it or not, but in the end she decided that it had been. If they wouldn’t have gone, YN didn’t know if she ever would have gotten the guts to admit that she wanted more intimate affection from the boys she loved so much.

As she stepped out of the shower and wrapped up in the towel, YN secretly hoped that Yoongi would kiss her too. She would be lying to herself if she said that she wasn’t incredibly attracted to everything about the man, but she couldn’t see herself taking that step on her own.

Securing the towel around her, YN stepped out of the ensuite and into Yoongi’s room. She found a pile of clothes on the end of the bed and Yoongi scrolling through his phone.

“I got you one of my hoodies to sleep in, baby. I know how much you like them.” Yoongi speaks without looking up from his phone, smiling to himself as YN grabs the clothes he had left for her. She changes quickly, a smile breaking onto her face when she realizes that Yoongi had gotten her her favorite pair of sleep shorts.

When she came back out of the bathroom, Yoongi had put his phone up on the nightstand and turned out the overhead light. He had the light on the nightstand on it’s lowest setting, which made her feel oddly safe in the already dark-themed room.

“I got your bunny, so you can stay here. I don’t want you out of my sight just yet.” Yoongi’s voice is deeper than usual as he stands and heads over to where YN had stopped. He could tell that she was unsure of what to do, and he was perfectly alright taking the lead.

Yoongi hands the small girl her stuffed animal, a smile gracing his face as she squeezes the thing to her chest. They had all noticed right away that she really liked to cuddle a stuffed animal when she slept, which they found to be completely adorable. Secretly, they had each made sure they had a small stuffed animal of some sort in their room for her, just in case.

“Thank you Yoongs. I-” She paused as she looked up at him with those same wide, innocent eyes. Damn, was he a sucker for those eyes of hers. “I really don’t want to sleep alone tonight.” Her voice is only just above a whisper, love and trust filling her eyes as she looks up at Yoongi.

“Kook is right, you know.” Yoongi says the words absently as he draws her into his embrace. “We would give you anything you ever wanted. You’re our darling girl, our princess, our baby, our Omega. You should have let us know you wanted more intimate affection.” He planted a soft kiss on the top of her head.

YN pulled back slightly, brow furrowed slightly in confusion as she looked up at Yoongi’s face.

“Why?” Her voice was still ever so soft, ever so innocent.

“Oh darling, you know exactly what I mean.” Yoongi moves one of his hands up to trace her jaw, ever so careful of the bruise that had formed. “I’ve wanted to kiss you since that first day when you found me in the woods.”

YN can feel her ears heat up as her lips part slightly at Yoongi’s confession, wanting nothing more than to close the distance between the two of them but being far too chicken to actually do it.

Luckily, Yoongi really could read her mind, and he took it upon himself to bring their lips together. YN felt the world around her spin and fade away as the breath was stolen from her lungs. The only thing she could think about, the only thing she could feel , was the soft pressure of Yoongi’s lips against her own.

It seems like hours before they disconnect, drawing a soft gasp from YN as Yoongi lovingly strokes the side of her face with his thumb, watching her as those eyes he loves so much flutter open. In that moment, it feels like it’s just the two of them, suspended in time and space. Yoongi feels complete as he smiles down at the girl, the love and trust so clear in her eyes it’s almost painful for him to look at.

And just like that, the silent moment is gone as YN lets out an adorable little yawn, rubbing at one of her eyes absently.

“Come on princess, let’s get you to bed. Things have been rough for you today, hm?” Yoongi moves to the side and gets into his bed, frowning when YN doesn’t really move. With a quick assessment of her thoughts, he realizes that she’s unsure because she doesn’t want to assume anything or overstep her boundaries or- well, she’s completely overthinking the entire situation.

“YN, come ‘ere. I’m not going to make you sleep alone tonight.” Yoongi makes a motion with one hand as he draws the covers back for her with the other, a soft smile gracing his face. YN runs a hand through her hair, taking short, quick steps to get to where Yoongi was.

If she was really being honest with herself, she craved nothing more than the complete, devout protection that the pack gave to her. That Yoongi gave to her. It made her feel like she was really worth something, like she was cared for in the exact same way she cared for them.

Absently, as she curled up next to Yoongi and laid her head on his chest, she thought of how most other people would have thought what Jungkook did was too much, too violent. YN couldn’t have explained to anyone why she felt the way she did, but she honestly trusted him, trusted them , more now.

They had all told her many times that they would protect her, that they would keep her safe, that nothing would ever hurt her again, but she didn’t really believe them. How could she? Sure, she knew that they had done some unsavory things in the past, but that didn’t mean that they would actually do anything for her. Why would they? She was riddled with self doubt, even if she did her best to hide it away.

As YN lay on Yoongi’s chest, listening to the slow beating of his heart in time with his deep breaths and thinking about how she felt about everything that had happened, she slipped closer and closer to sleep. By the second, her eyes were more and more heavy, the calming scent of Yoongi enveloping her completely and calming her to the point it was practically impossible for others to tell if she was asleep or awake.

Yoongi is wide awake, on the other hand, breathing softly and mulling over the day as he plays with YN’s hair. For whatever reason, it calmed him greatly to have the girl there, on his chest. He felt like he was doing what he was meant to by having the Omega so close to him. He sighed to himself, wholly unable to tell if his intense liking for the girl was due to his Alpha nature or if it was because of who she was. He wanted it to be because of her, because of who she was instead of just because of their natures, but he couldn’t be sure . After all, he had felt very similarly when Jimin and Taehyung had first come into the pack, and while he loved them both dearly, part of that affection was because they were younger Betas and he felt he needed to protect them.

Later, Yoongi would blame his thinking of the two boys on them showing up in the room, but honestly, he wasn’t mad about it. Taehyung and Jimin burst into the room like a pack of wild animals, both of them wanting to see YN for themselves.

“Yah! No! Calm down!” Yoongi hissed out as soon as he realized what was going on, anger lacing his words as he accosted the younger men “YN is resting, can’t you see that?”

The two boys stop in their tracks and sheepishly actually look at the scene before them, both of them finding the way that YN had curled up to be adorable. Jimin was the first to apologize, rocking back and forth on his feet as he put his hands behind his back, blush tinting his cheeks. Taehyung sighed as he repeated Jimin’s apology, pouting as he looked at the scene before him.

YN had one hand curled up, gripping onto Yoongi’s shirt right next to her face, the other clutched her stuffed bunny to her side. Her lips were slightly parted and her eyes were softly fluttering open. They didn’t even have to read each other’s minds to know that it was difficult for all of them not to coo at the adorable girl.

“It’s okay YN, you can sleep. It’s okay.” Yoongi ran his fingers through her hair as he spoke softly, wanting to calm her.

“Taehunie? Minie?” Her voice was laced with sleep as she mumbled out the words, barely lifting her head even as she turned it to the door. Her eyes were glassy as she looked towards where the two other boys stood.

They were in sync with each other as they both moved towards the bed, kneeling down to look YN in the face once they were to the side of the bed.

“YN-ah, baby, are you okay?” Taehyung is the one to speak first this time, one hand reaching out to touch the side of her face softly. “We wanted to see you.”

YN looks at Taehyung with those same beautifully innocent eyes, a smile creeping onto her face at his words. “I’m okay Tae. Safe.” Her words were much more clear, though she didn’t speak in a full sentence. It took them looking into her mind to realize that she meant that she felt safe with them, not some other random thing.

“It’s good you feel safe! We love you, we always want you to feel safe with us.” It’s Jimin who speaks this time, reaching a hand out and laying it on her arm as he spoke.

“Safe. Mine.” Her words are back to being half mumbles as she snuggles back into Yoongi’s chest, feeling safe. Because of their mind link, they understood that she meant that she felt safe with them and that she was glad she was with them.

The two boys at the side of the bed shift their focus to Yoongi at the same time, matching pouts on their faces.

“Hyung, can we stay?”

“Please?”

“I don’t wanna leave her.”

“Yeah Hyung, me neither.”

Yoongi puts up one of his hands to silence them, sighing deeply. He knows he’s gonna regret it, but he looks down at YN and tells them that it’s her decision if she wants them to stay or not.

“YN~” They whine at the same time, doing their best to give her perfect puppy dog eyes. “Can we stay with you, please?” YN giggles at their antics, and nods into Yoongi’s chest.

“Yeah, you can stay.” Her words were muffled because of the position of her head, but the two boys had no problems hearing her.

Jimin is the first one to climb back into the bed, quickly shimmying under the covers and wrapping his arms around YN. Taehyung climbs in directly after him, doing the same thing to Jimin that he had done to YN.

Yoongi just sighs as he looks at the three other people that had gotten into his bed, a smile on his face despite his outward annoyance. He really did love them, and if he was being completely honest with himself, having the three seek him out for comfort made his Alpha feel absolutely wonderful .

YN felt incredibly safe and happy like that, wrapped up between the three. She felt loved, cared for, wanted. Within a minute of the two boys clambering into the bed, she was completely out, sleeping peacefully.

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