#and the emotional turmoil and pain it causes him that he has no real ability to cope with because his mother is dead and his father is an a

[dubacheryking]

and what if i told you that literally ever single song on unreal unearth is about dick and the various women that have ruined his life? what then?

[bubblegumfanfictions]

Falling in Love again.

Fandom- Bleach

Ships- Kisuke Urahara x Reader

Warnings- Some language, Implied Sexual Assault, Past sexual Assault.

Summary- Imagine a tally mark appearing on your skin every time you fall in love. When your tally mark is Red then it's onesided, Black then the love is returned. If it is scarred then your love ended traumatically.

You have a scarred tally mark and a red tally mark, the red one being for Kisuke Urahara.

Word Count- 3,928

You led in bed staring down at your wrist where a single red tally mark decorated your skin. In this world, a tally mark showed your love. People who fell in love easily were littered with marks, whereas the people who were only in love with one person would have one. If the mark is red it's unrequited, if it was Black then the person you love returns your feelings.

Your singular red mark was for Kisuke Urahara, a friend of your friends. You went to his shop with your friends whenever they needed something from him seeing as that seemed to be your only excuse to see him. You didn't want to come across as weird for visiting on your own. Especially when you have no real powers like the others.

Annoyingly you had one other mark on your arm, a scarred tally mark, one from your ex. In this world a scarred tally would mean that your love for them ended very abruptly and traumatically. No one knew about that tally, you were very good at keeping it hidden, whether it was with a well placed bracelet or a long sleeved shirt.

Rolling onto your side you let out a huff. It hurts, it shouldn't but it does. Knowing that the one man you love doesn't feel the same way. You barely get to see him since your friends don't visit that often. But you'll take whatever time you can with him even if you don't get to talk.

Well, only time will tell.

---

"Y/N!!!" A fist slammed against the door multiple times as Ichigo's voice yelled your name. "C'mon man! We've gotta get to Hat 'n' Clogs!" Sleepily, you raised your head taking a glance out of your open window.

"Wh-what for?" The early morning rasp in your voice made it a note or so deeper than it actually was. You stretched out and hopped out of bed throwing on the nearest clothing you had, which happened to be a (f/c) long knit sweater, a pair of black leggings and some brown boots.

"Y/N! We haven't got all day, move your ass!" You shook your head and ran out of the house not brushing your hair, figuring you could comb it down with your fingers on the way there.

By the time you got there you realised there was no point fixing your hair until you got inside in the first place. It was so windy outside that your hair just kept blowing around which made it worse than before. "Hey, come in guys." You froze for a moment as heat rushed to your face, you brushed a small amount of hair over your face, hoping he didn't notice it.

Quickly yet quietly you walked into the shop following behind Ichigo whilst you brushed down your hair. Kisuke stopped you briefly "You missed a spot." and with nimble hands, he began to flatten down your hair. "There, done." He gave you his signature grin, placing a hand onto the small of your back leading you to the rest.

Once Kisuke leads you to your friends he then gets down to business. “So, I am assuming you guys are here for the training grounds, right?” The ginger he questioned nods his head. You didn’t have any special abilities at all, but your friends knew you were great moral support and a generally good person so they let you in on their secret.

Most of the time you find days like this one quite boring, sure you’d get to see Kisuke but you usually have nothing to do. On some days you would help Tessai, Jinta and Ururu with their work or well, in Jinta and Ururu’s case, you would do their work for them.

When your friends finish training and all head home Kisuke typically gives you something for your time. At first he would give you the equivalent of minimum wage for the amount of work you do but recently (due to finding out your love for (favourite collectable)) he would end up getting you those instead.

The boys and Orihime go down into the training room, leaving you upstairs in the shop with Kisuke. “So, um… Is there anything you need me to do today?” you asked in your typically meek voice. Being with Kisuke made you so nervous you could barely talk, so being able to say that was a blessing.

Kisuke tilted his hat back with his thumb as he thought about things you could do around the shop. “Not that I can think of, for once Jinta and Ururu did the work I assigned for them.” You fake gasped at his comment. They finished their work… Early?

“No way, Jinta and Ururu finished their work? Damn that never happens.” Kisuke laughed at your comment and squeezed your shoulder. Yeah, when you did hang out with Kisuke alone you did have a lot of fun, but you still don’t like to intrude if you don’t have a reason to.

“Tell me about it.”

“Well what am I meant to do then?!” You dramatically waved your arms in the air in exasperation. When you did so Kisuke caught sight of the two tally marks and promptly grabbed your wrist.

“A Scar and a Red tally mark. I’m sure those are both fun stories.” He lightly massaged the scarred tally on your wrist making you flinch. He looked up at you in concern, dropping your arm. “Sorry.”

“It is fine, I’m just- No one has ever seen that before, as you can imagine I’m not particularly keen on anyone seeing that one..” You explain, rubbing the scar to try and ease some of the emotional turmoil.

“Does anyone know? Ichigo? Orihime? Chad?” He listed off some of your friends and to each one you shook your head. No one knew this, and you were planning on keeping it a secret from everyone, not even Kisuke was meant to know. “Would you mind telling me?” You shook your head once more. You didn’t even want to remember the scar, much less the asshole who caused it.

Kisuke rubbed your shoulder, trying to soothe your pain with a small smile on his face. "It's fine, you don't have to talk about it. But if you ever need to, I'll be happy to listen." Tears start to pool in your eyes, you've never spoken about it to anyone outside of your family, maybe it would be good. But not now.

You gave Kisuke a tight hug, the tears in your eyes spilling out. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." You kept repeating over and over into his chest. Kisuke was shocked at first but wrapped his arms around you, rubbing his fingertips up and down your spine to calm you down, his cheek pressed into your hair.

Both of you stayed that way for a while until you finally calmed down, letting go of the tall, green clad man. "I'm sorry about that- I should probably head home." You scrubbed at your eyes with the sleeve of your jumper with an appreciative smile on your face.

"Hey, it is fine." Kisuke messed up your hair with one of his hands. "It is nothing to worry about, just know that I am here if you need to talk. Just because you don't have powers doesn't mean you can't come here whenever you want to." He cups your face in his hands with a grin "YOU are an absolute pleasure to have here, okay?" You nodded your head, still too upset to really speak properly. "Good."

Kisuke walks you to the door once you calmed down enough and saw you out. "Hope to see you here soon, Y/N." You nodded your head.

"That will probably be when they come here again." You smiled at him, waving your hand as you walked home.

------- Timeskip to a week later. -------

You walk home from the shops as you keep looking down at the shopping list, making sure that you have everything. Your mother had asked you to go down because she forgot some ingredients she needed. It was getting a little dark and it was kind of scary being by yourself, but at the same time you did enjoy the peace and quiet.

"Ohhh, Look who it is." Your face paled, you knew that voice anywhere, he was the reason for the scar. "Why do you look so scared, don't you remember the fun we had together?" You bit your lower lip harshly, weighing out your options. Urahara's shop wasn't that far away so you could make a break for it, but you knew he was a fast runner.

With a groan you made your choice and dashed to the shop. "Oi! Get back here you stupid cunt!" Of course, you could hear the sound of heavy footfalls hitting the asphalt behind you, this was inevitable. But if you got close enough to the shop you knew that you'd be able to at least get someone's attention, whether it was Jinta, Ururu, Kisuke or Tessai.

"Oh, Y/n I knew you enjoyed our time together, you remembered how much I enjoyed the struggle. Although you were so much more compliant when you slept." You stopped dead in your tracks, you hated him, you hated thinking about him... About the things he has done and the fact that you loved him once. He laughed at your stop, you were almost right outside of the shop by this point, but that didn't matter.

"Do you finally agree with me Y/n? Do you finally see that it is all you're good for?" You were trembling by this point, not from fear, oh no; from pure hatred. You dropped the bag you were holding in your dominant hand and with a quick turn you put all of your anger into your movements and punched him in the face, knocking him to the floor.

Your body, however, was still shaking. You wanted to hurt him, you wanted to hurt him bad. How was it fair that he got out of the relationship with nothing yet you with a heart full of anxiety and fear. You readied yourself to hit him again with the fist that already had blood on it since you broke his nose when you heard a voice call out to you.

"Y/n? Y/n? Are you okay?" Your head turned towards the store, and stood in the doorway was none other than Kisuke Urahara. You didn't even look down at him. You sprinted as fast as you could to Kisuke, pushing him inside of the building before sliding the door shut.

You led your back against the door as you slid down it, landing yourself on the floor. Your eyes were wide, frightened- Kisuke has never seen you with that expression, you looked terrified. Knowing something was up, he locked the store up and left the room, coming back with a warm cup of tea, sitting next to you.

He handed you the cup and spoke with a quiet voice, trying not to scare you. "What was all that about? Are you okay?" You shook your head, keeping your face directed towards the cup in your hands, which were still trembling. "Did you want to talk about it once you're calmed down?" You nodded your head, Kisuke was silent for a few seconds, as if contemplating whether or not he should say anything. "Did you want a hug?" You nodded again.

Kisuke wasted no time wrapping his left arm around you to pull you into his side, he used his thumb to rub little circles into your side as his head rested on top of yours. "It'll be okay, Y/n. You'll be okay, just breathe. Whatever happened won't happen anymore, you're safe here." He kept whispering to you.

Eventually, you finished the drink he made you and hugged him back. His face was now completely in your hair as he kissed the top of your head. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Y-yeah, thank you..." You stuttered out, tired from what had just occurred.

"Good, if you want I can run you a bath and get you some fresh clothes. You can stay the night if you don't feel safe to head back, okay?" You nodded your head, but then you remembered your mother. As if reading your thoughts, Kisuke spoke up again. "I'll phone your mum while you're in the bath and fill her in, how does that sound?"

"That sounds good, thank you Kisuke." He rubbed your head and stood up, offering you his hand.

After your bath you had calmed down considerably, no longer shaking and being able to speak. Kisuke left some of his clothes folded up in the bathroom for you to change into (which you did). You sat on Kisuke's bed cross legged, trying to comprehend what happened today when there was a knock at the door. "Come in."

Kisuke walks into the room with your phone in his hand. "So I spoke to your mother, she said you could stay here for the night and that I should walk you home at some point tomorrow, or whenever depending on how long you want to stay." He sits next to you and continues. "She also told me who that guy was. Nothing about what happened, she just said that he is the scum of the earth."

You laughed "Yeah, that sounds about right. Due to what happened I don't ever call him my ex. Whenever anyone mentions him we just call him twat." Of course, Kisuke was very confused as to what happened but he already asked a few times so he didn't want to push it, but the look on his face told you everything. "I'll tell you what happened."

"You don't have to." He protested quickly, not knowing if it would upset you to talk about it.

"It is fine, I just have one condition. This is a very touchy subject for me so I was wondering if you could um--- how do I put this?" Kisuke chuckled, knowing what you meant, sitting back with you on his bed, pulling you into his side, much like when you were against the door.

"Take your time."

You took a deep breath and began. "He was my first boyfriend, if I can call him that. He was controlling, manipulative and abusive in more ways than one. He didn't let me talk about any guys, if I played a game wrong he would stop me from playing it. If he was horny I'd have to do something about it and so on... Well anyway, it got to the point where I-- I didn't want to do anything like that. He said he was fine with it... But-" Your breathing got heavier the further into explaining, tears began to form and fall from your eyes. You hated remembering this, but you were hoping that maybe this would be good in the long run.

"Hey, look at me." You hear Kisuke say gently as he turns your face to him. "I know it may not mean or do much but you're safe here, nothing is going to happen to you, I'll look after you, okay? There is no need to worry while you're here, but I do understand why you are." He rubs your head affectionately, hugging you tighter. "Like I said, take your time."

You relished in that hug and composed yourself before continuing. "He said he was fine with it, but one night I woke up and his hand was somewhere it shouldn't have been and his other hand was--- y-yeah. He was with me for a while after that since I was too scared to break up with him. Then I met someone I really liked who was so nice to me, and I realised that I didn't want to be stuck with someone like him."

Kisuke made a noise of understanding. "So that is the red mark then, it is hard to believe that someone would be so thankful for a red mark."

"Yeah, I know. But I really am, and I'm thankful for the help from him too." You smiled, running your finger delicately along the red tally mark.

"Doesn't the red tally mark hurt though? That the person who saved you from that twat doesn't feel the same?" He asked, and yeah it was painful.

"Yeah, it is really painful. But I always think to myself I would rather have this red tally mark and be friends with him than have none at all and still be with twat. Anything is better than that even if it is not reciprocated love." You shrugged your shoulders trying to come across as nonchalant when all you wanted to do was tell Kisuke that the mark was him, but you decided against it. You let out a yawn that caught Kisuke's attention.

"I should probably let you sleep then." He gets up from his spot and you huddle under the covers. Kisuke grins at the sight, fixing the blankets over you and kissing your forehead. "Today has been a rough day so if you need anything just shout, okay? Even if you think it is dumb." Despite everything that happened you slept well that night.

----Time skip 3 days----

"Y/n! Let's go! Hat n Clogs is waiting!" Ichigo yelled up to your window, pulling you from your sleep. You rush to get dressed, throwing a jumper on with leggings like before and you ran from the house.

You opened the door and outside waiting for you was Ichigo and the gang. "Well? Come on!" With that you all went back to Kisuke's shop. Over the 3 days you and Kisuke got closer, he'd constantly phone your mother to check up on you. (since he phoned your mum before and not you so he knew her number) It bugged her so much that she gave you Kisuke's number so she wouldn't be bothered anymore, which was sweet.

Everyone walked into the shop and greeted Kisuke. "Ah, Y/n!" He wrapped his arm around your shoulder playfully, a smile playing across his lips. "Everything okay?" You could see his eyes from the angle so you knew what he meant and you smiled back at him.

"Yeah, I'm okay." He let go of you and began talking to the others about Gigai upgrades. As you tidied around the shop you heard the bell chime indicating someone had come in, you looked up and that someone was twat. Your eyes went wide as you dropped the broom you were holding, alerting the others.

Kisuke's carefree smile and attitude completely dropped when he saw who was there. He grabbed your shoulders, pushing you towards your friends, they noticed something was up there and they stood in front of you. "Get out." He shakes his head, walking around the store as he was being stared at by everyone. "I said get out."

Twat laughed, "I'm a customer here, you can't tell me to get out, I want to buy something." Kisuke got closer to Twat, who was starting to clearly become intimidated by your friends.

"I have the right to refuse people. Customers are typically human, and sadly you don't qualify for one of those, so get the fuck out of my shop." With each sentence Kisuke got closer to him until eventually he got so intimidated and fled. Kisuke locked the shop door and ran over to you, avoiding the strange looks from the others.

"Are you okay?" You appear to be in a state of shock, you feel like you can barely move or speak, you just stood there, trembling. Kisuke continues to ignore the others as he wraps his arms around you, holding you close. "I am going to tell them if that is alright, just make any sound for a yes, okay?" He heard a small sound come from you so he begins to explain to your friends what happened.

-------

By the end of the explanation you came back to reality, since you weren't paying attention to anything other than Kisuke's arms around you, you were able to pull through pretty quick. Your friends all looked really mad at him for everything he did and thanked Kisuke profusely for helping you out through this. After a while, the others finally leave, giving you a hug and giving you a word of advice, they even offered to teach you how to fight which you decided to take up.

You sat with Kisuke in his room as you usually do after something like that happens. You were talking about nothing in particular when Kisuke stopped you. "Um- Y/n, that person- they return your feelings." You laughed

"No they don't, the proof is in the pu---" You lift your sleeve to show the proof when you noticed that he was right. The telly mark was Black now. You stare at the mark in utter shock. "I- What?" Your eyebrows furrowed together. "That is impossible, why would he like me?" Kisuke smiles at you, messing up your hair like he normally does.

"Probably because you're a fantastic p-" He stops dead in his tracks when he stops a completely new mark on his arm, the arm that was totally clean, in all of his years of living he has never fallen in love. You look up and wonder why he went quiet when you notice him staring at his arm, he must have realised who that tally mark is for. "That-" He gestures towards your mark. "That is for me, isn't it?"

You flush, you never thought you'd end up in a situation like this one. "Y-yeah it is." You bite your lip in worry, you knew he liked you as well, I mean you could literally see it, but that doesn't mean that he would want to be with you. Kisuke smiled softly at you as he ran his fingers through your hair.

"I always thought you were pretty, and I knew that I would absolutely fall for you, I could feel it. So I'm honestly glad it is returned. But um- We don't have to be in a relationship yet if you don't think you're ready for one." Kisuke was the sweetest and that is why, without a doubt in your mind, you knew that you were ready.

"I am ready, I've wanted to be with you for a long time now, I love you Kisuke." You blushed heavily. You think those words often enough but you didn't think you'd ever say them out loud to him.

"Since we have that sorted- can I kiss you?" Kisuke asked, his thumb running across your jaw, your skin tingling from his touch.

"Yeah, you can." His thumb moved, holding on lightly to your chin to pull you close. You were a hair's width away from kissing but he stayed there for a few moments with a look in his eyes that said 'You can still back off if you want to' but you didn't. He took your stillness as an invitation to continue and planted a soft kiss to your lips, his hands moved to cup your cheeks while your own remove his hat so they could rest in his hair. After a few moments of his soft kiss Kisuke pulled back, only to kiss you one more time.

"I love you too, Y/n. I'll make sure nothing bad will ever happen to you again."

[redphlox]

The Todorokis and the Takamis

Hello hello hello! Okay, so the fan translated chapter of BNHA 299 came out and I’m drowning in a downpour of feelings and parallels. So, below this cut, I’ll discuss parallels between Shouto and Hawks, Hawks and Endeavor, the Todoroki siblings and Keigo, and Rei and Tomie. I’ll also comment on the realistic depiction of domestic abuse survivors and dysfunctional family dynamics within the manga. Thanks in advance for reading!

The only hero Shouto probably had been exposed to as a child because he was isolated was his own dad, who abused his family. Shouto didn't want to be a hero because, as he had experienced personally, heroes were bad people who hurt their loved ones. The fire quirk he inherited from his father was something that hurt others. He had no other frame of reference for the fire quirk; his mother, who was kind and loving, had an ice quirk, Natsuo and Fuyumi had an ice quirk, and Touya (if Shouto even has memories of this) was being hurt by his own fire quirk. No wonder five year old Shouto was fearful of his left side and the thought of becoming a hero.

But that changed when Rei introduced him to All Might via a television recording she showed him in secret. Shouto learned that his father wasn’t representative of all heroes. Not all heroes hurt their families, and this meant Shouto’s fire quirk was his to use for good. He realized his dad was, ironically, a bad hero, and that it was okay to want to be a hero because Shouto would be a good one. Even if Shouto forgot this lesson in the years after Rei was hospitalized, the memory was there and rekindled during the sports festival. Shouto truly does believe in heroes because he’s seen proof of it in All Might, who indirectly saved Shouto and his belief in heroes just by being himself on that television show. Shouto also believes in heroes because he believes in himself - he’s a kind person, and he wants to be a kind hero. That’s why he chose his hero name to be his given name: Shouto.

Hawks, like Shouto, was also isolated from the world. He didn't have any interaction with or exposure to heroes except for on television. His father was physically and mentally abusive, and his mother emotionally distant as a result of domestic abuse. When Endeavor, a hero Hawks had a plushie of because his mom had given it to him in secret, indirectly saved him from an abusive household by arresting his father, Hawks started believing in heroes. They were real, and he was proof people could be saved because he hadn’t even been asking for help and Endeavor did it anyway. The plushie his mom had gotten him to play with as a substitute for not being able to go outside, the one Hawks held onto for comfort when he felt sad and alone, came “alive” and saved him. 

But Hawks was still in a bad situation because his mother's mental health wasn't in the best state after years of enduring domestic abuse. Hawks’ mother Tomie learned to view Hawks as the chain between herself and the Thief Takami. She might have been stuck in a "stay together for the kid" situation, coupled with financial instability and, on Takami's part, a begrudging sense of social responsibility to help raise the kid he fathered. Tomie learned to associate Takami’s feathers with pain, and because Hawks has feathers like his father and the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree, she says, “you’re his son, aren’t you?” 

But Hawks soon finds good in the world and good in himself when he saves people during that accident. By saving others, he has saved himself without even intending to. The commission essentially takes him away from his mother who, because to her mental instability due to years of abuse, couldn’t raise him or nurture him. After abandoning his name, Hawks held on to Endeavor as a source of inspiration. Hawks had an idol he could look up to and be like as he trained at the commission. Endeavor was an example of how to stay strong and never lose hope. After all, everyone knew it would be pointless to try and surpass All Might but Endeavor kept trying anyway, despite the impossibilities. Young Hawks admired that because he was stuck in a similar situation - he never even dared to hope his life would get better until Endeavor arrested Takami the Thief. So to this day, Hawks idolizes Endeavor the hero.

Hawks, as an outsider to the Todoroki family, doesn’t know what they have endured. He hasn’t been around Shouto much, but from what he has seen, he thinks Shouto admires Endeavor the hero the same way Hawks does. It’s not an incorrect statement, because Shouto does recognize that Endeavor the hero is great, but it’s not a correct statement either. Shouto has the ability to separate Endeavor from Enji. Shouto wants to see what Enji the father has the potential to become now that Enji wants to atone, and even that seems to be for his sister’s sake, for her dream of having a family. Even Endeavor thought the same thing until Shouto makes it clear he’s not forgiven.

But Hawks doesn’t know this. Hawks probably assumes that because Shouto accepted interning with Endeavor and looked at Endeavor in awe that Shouto’s relationship with Endeavor must be on the mend. That maybe the abuse is behind them and the family is healthier. Hawks himself would never reach out to his own father or be near him, so why would Shouto? The only logical explanation and evidence Hawks has is that maybe Endeavor was forgiven and completely different now. Hawks, like Dabi, has no way to know that Shouto is holding his father accountable for abusing Rei and used to burn with self-destructive hatred inside. Hawks has no way of knowing Natsuo’s turmoil or that Fuyumi shares the same feelings as Natsuo, that Endeavor has a long way to go earn a place in his children’s lives - if they even let him.

Hawks is clinging onto his faith in heroes because he still believes in himself, in Endeavor, and in heroes. He’s like Shouto and believes in heroes and Endeavor despite Endeavor’s actions as a father. Shouto knows Endeavor is a skilled hero, but also accepts that people have different roles and may be shitty at one and great at another. Shouto knows Endeavor’s ambition and dedication to a title for his work drove him to hurt his family. Shouto knows Endeavor did this because Endeavor’s entire identity is his hero work - it’s almost expected that he put his ambitions before his family. Endeavor is just now, after 20 years, realizing he has another identity and role he failed to accept: Enji the father and husband. Now that he’s reached his career goals and realized the view at the top wasn’t as great or fulfilling as he imagined, he’s trying to figure out what Enji the father can do for his family.  

Just like Endeavor, Hawks’ whole identity is his hero persona, and if that hero doesn’t exist anymore, then Hawks would be lost. He’d have nothing. His whole life’s meaning - saving people - would be gone, and he has no connections to any roles (son, friend, citizen) because he’s severed ties with his parents and isn’t close to anyone. He can’t go back to being Keigo because it was too painful and hopeless being Keigo. Even if the commission is turning his back on him, he’ll still be the hero Hawks, this time on his own terms. Now that he’s free of their control, he wants to help the Endeavor he always looked up to as a sign of loyalty to him and possibly a vague way of returning the favor for indirectly rescuing Keigo all those years ago.

Rei and Tomie

Both mothers reacted similarly to their domestic abuse. Both mothers learned to associate their children with their abuser based on physical inherited traits. The Todoroki siblings each have a trait of their father’s (Touya has his eye color, Fuyumi has her red in her hair, Natsuo has his thick and tall stature, Shouto’s entire left side) and Hawks inherited feathers from his father. This fear serves as a small scaled representation of the societal stigma faced by those who possess lesser favorable quirks. These mothers learned their partner’s quirks were only used to hurt them or cause damage, and society has learned that certain quirks like Toga’s blood-sucking are inherently bad and are an indicator of morality. 

Like IRL domestic abuse victims, both mothers felt hopeless and powerless in their situation. Tomie asked her partner to fix the television without investigating what was wrong with it herself first. Tomie couldn’t care for herself or her son after Takami had been arrested - she’d been told what to do for so long and relied on Takami to provide (probably because he was paranoid and possibly wouldn’t let her interact with others out of fear she’d report him to the police) that she had trouble adjusting to any other kind of lifestyle. Making decisions was a skill she hadn’t used in years. Tomie, now homeless, compared Hawks to their abuser and expected him to provide by committing crimes too, which visibly hurt her son’s feelings. Some people who experience abuse subconsciously rely on their children to step up into a sort of caretaker/parent role. This is called parentification, and it just...sort of happens. This is why it makes sense Hawks’ identity revolves around being useful and wanting to help others. He had learned from a young age that if he wasn’t helping people, he had no value.

This isn’t to cast blame or judge Tomie, but to bring awareness to a boundary issue and inadvertent role reversal some victims and their families deal with as a result of abusive households. To parallel Tomie wanting Hawks to provide for the family, Endeavor also passively let Fuyumi to step up and fill the role of her missing parents. She carried a lot of the family emotional burdens after Rei was hospitalized, takes care of the family home, visits and cares for her mother at the hospital, and looks out for her younger brothers wellbeing in every sense of the word. Fuyumi is the unifying, optimistic link between Endeavor and his family. Even Endeavor recognizes Fuyumi’s parentification, though he doesn’t call it by its name.  

Rei expressed her hopelessness when she spoke with her mother on the phone about not being able to raise her children anymore, but couldn’t come up with a solution. She couldn’t raise her children anymore - and that was it. She didn’t ask her mother for help or come up with any ideas because she felt powerless. And again, this isn’t to demonize or blame Rei, but to point out that her reaction is reflective of the challenges some abuse victims face. Some people don’t know how to get out of an abusive relationship for various complicated, valid, and life-threatening reasons, no matter what logic outsiders apply to the situation. Some mothers feel trapped, like Rei and Tomie.

Both Rei and Tomie hurt their children, either emotionally or physically. In the light novels, Natsuo reveals that Rei was emotionally distant after Shouto was born, probably out of concern for Endeavor’s likely unhealthy enthusiasm to train Shouto. She was probably protective of Shouto, and inadvertently made Natsuo feel abandoned by focusing on her youngest. Like Keigo, Natsuo felt alone despite his mother being nearby physically. And also like Keigo, Natsuo eventually realized that the situation was complicated and his parents made mistakes and had issues that didn’t reflect their feelings toward him. Natsuo realizes his mother loved him still. He realizes Shouto didn’t have it better than he did because he had his mother’s attention, and Keigo realizes that even with his father gone, his mother isn’t “fixed.” Keigo recognizes that his parents had deep flaws and the Todoroki siblings recognize their parents’ too. Rei didn’t mean to hurt Shouto maliciously; Endeavor is to blame for their mother’s mental state. 

It’s implied that Tomie has an alcohol problem from the bottles laying around the unkempt Takami home. She uses alcohol to remove herself from reality, to put distance between herself, those she perceives are hurting her, and to hide. Running away doesn’t necessarily mean that she doesn’t care about her son - emotions and people are complex and not always black and white - but that she doesn’t have the mental and emotional capacity to nurture him. She’s distancing herself from her feelings (probably fear, hopelessness, dread) and with that she’s also distancing from her son. This might have been going on for a while because Keigo doesn’t even consider going to his mother for comfort. He goes to his inanimate Endeavor plushie instead. 

It’s also important to note that Keigo realizes that his parents’ relationship is devoid of love, and he probably thinks this is the reaso why he doesn’t receive any love from them. He wasn’t born from a loving relationship. The chapter implies he just...happened because Takami was hiding out with Tomie. Now Tomie doesn’t have an identity or will outside of hiding Takami and helping him, and Takami resents Keigo for tethering him to a person he thinks is useless and is holding him back.

In their own way, both mothers tried to console their child and ease the pain caused by their fathers. Rei did this by listening to Shouto, showing him that good heroes do exist, and reassuring him that he’s not his father. She was a loving mother, as noted by young Natsuo’s jealousy toward Shouto for “taking up” his mother’s attention. Her children are eager and willing to have a relationship with her. Tomie showed love for her son by buying that discounted Endeavor plushie in an effort to make up for the fact that Takami wouldn’t let him play outside. It’s important to note that while their family’s life was seemingly sustained by the fruit of Takami’s crimes, Tomie used what limited money the family had to pay for the toy, meaning that she wanted to ease some of her son’s pain and give him a source of strength. This was all she could manage considering the state of mind she was in. While it wasn’t big, she did the best she could, and apparently it left an impact because Hawks remembers the moment clearly.

The difference between these women and their families, which also mirrors real life, is that some work toward rebuilding their relationships and some don’t. The Todoroki’s support each other, and the Takamis are distant from each other. This isn’t to judge or blame or say one way is wrong and another is right, but to explore how this decision has and will influence Hawks and the Torodokis. 

Rei has made progress in her recovery and will likely be discharged soon, if she hasn’t already been. The family continues to identify and work through issues both as a unit and individually. Shouto realizes that it’s okay to use his left side, Natsuo is holding space for his unresolved grief and calling out Endeavor, and Fuyumi is hoping to finally have a family. Together, they’ve found healing from the trauma they suffererd together. Touya being alive only adds to this family’s ability to finally be happy and whole, though the journey may be difficult and painful.

Meanwhile, the Takami’s didn’t unite to heal together. Hawks’ father went to jail, Tomie and Keigo never saw him again and don’t want to, and Tomie accepted the commission’s offer to take care of her financially if she gave up Keigo. Keigo himself became Hawks, who suspected it was his mother who leaked his background to Dabi and wasn’t surprised to find out that he was right. He’s not visibly upset about his mother leaving either, which could either be him being emotionally numb or a sign his relationship with his mother never improved. It seems like he’s holding on to the scrap of love she did give him, as seen by his flashback to her holding his hand and remembering her words to “be strong like this guy.” But now she’s gone, and like he said, his shackles are gone.

So, what does this mean? Is Hawks wrong to still believe in Endeavor? Was Tomie wrong for revealing Hawks to Dabi and then leaving without notifying Hawks first? Given these character’s complex traumas, it’s hard to say without blaming someone for how they react to their trauma. It’s hard to apply logic to thinking and feelings that have been shaped by trauma. It’s uncomfortable to sit and see people make decisions that hurt others. Sometimes there is no right and wrong, sometimes there is wrong right and right wrong, and we have to sit and watch things play out, watch people react to the world through a trauma lens. 

Sometimes there’s no answer at all. I think that’s what adds a tragic touch to Hawks, to the Todorokis, to the League - they’re all reacting to their trauma in different ways, some in socially acceptable ways (Natsuo, Shouto) and some not (Dabi), and there’s no clear cut answer without passing judgment or telling someone how to react to their trauma. How does someone rewire their brain’s neuropathways from the ones formed by trauma to healthier ones, especially without professional help or even self-awareness.

It’s hard to watch all these characters suffer, especially when it hits so close to home for some of us. Let’s see what the next chapters bring! We’re not seeing the big picture just yet, and there is always time for epiphanies, breakthroughs, and change of hearts and minds.

[ignobleknight2]

Anakin in adolescence & more trauma 

To preface; I have an incredibly Jedi Critical perspective here and see them as a religious cult. There are noble aspects to their ideals, but the Jedi Order as seen in the prequals era has devolved into pure clownishness. Much of my perspective comes from the “Jedi Quest” young reader series, which I recommend, but also from the original and prequal trilogies. If one were to count all of TCW TV series, the failings of the Jedi become even more painfully and abundantly clear. 

Young Anakin Skywalker, separated from his mother and newly freed from slavery, becomes a Padawan to recently Knighted Obi-Wan Kenobi. He has just lost his only source of comfort and solidity in this chaotic and troubled Galaxy, as well as the mentor he was promised. Anakin is at his most vulnerable, feeling alone and unwanted in the wake of these great losses. Obi-Wan is not able to provide the loving support that young Anakin needs, although he does try adamantly. 

Despite Obi-Wan’s efforts to hide his feelings, Anakin can sense that he is unwanted, that there is some resentment from his new master, who did not choose him. The pair are unfortunately unable to express their emotions honestly, and instead attempt to hide from one another. Isolated and in need of emotional support and connection, Anakin is tragically targeted by the insidious Chancellor Palpatine, who offers him that much needed sense of closeness and companionship. 

Among the other younglings, Anakin stands out. His mannerisms, his combative tendencies, and even his innate ability and skill, set him apart as an outsider among his peers. While there are many who welcome him without issue, there are some who feel slighted by his mere presence. How could the council allow such an outsider into their fold? What has become of the order? Anakin is watched and judged by a critical gaze wherever he goes. 

His supposed status as “the chosen one,” becomes another source of anguish for an already troubled boy. While Anakin struggles to simply fit in, he is judged all the more harshly for any misstep or perceived personal failing. At this time, Anakin begins to internalize the critical feelings others harbor towards him. Even if many of the Jedi do not outwardly disparage the young Padawn, it matters little to Anakin, who can sense their true feelings in spite of their efforts to hide. This serves to sow the seeds of doubt in his own abilities, as he is essentially being gaslit by the Jedi and by Palpatine. 

Anakin learns to suppress his own intuition and to mistrust his own judgement. This causes a considerable amount of turmoil in him, and leads him to become moody, irritable, and defiant. He cannot reconcile with what he is being told and what he feels is true, and so his emotions become unstable and he grows into a turbulent young man full of doubt and mistrust. He has been largely deprived of having anything of his own, and emotionally neglected by Obi-Wan and the rest of the Jedi. This lacking in his life creates a void which he seeks desperately to fill, although he has no idea how to do so.

He begins to have nightmares about his mother being tortured to death; terrible, painful nightmares that feel all too real. Obi-Wan, well meaning, insists that these visions are only dreams, and encourages Anakin to let them go. Anakin does as he’s told, and for an entire month, does his best to push away his very real intuition that something is terribly wrong. Finally, when he has some distance from the ever watchful and critical gaze of his mentor, Anakin finally gives in to his feelings. With Padme’s encouragement, he gives in, and sets off to find what’s become of his beloved mother... 

The trauma he experiences in watching his mother die, and in feeling her pain through the force, sends him into a blind murderous rage. His slaughter of the Tusken Raiders serves only to traumatize him further, forever scarring him. He begins to see into the depths of his own darkness, and he is terrified by what he sees. Anakin seeks to reject this side of himself, but he cannot forget what he has done. He now knows that he is capable of so much more, for better... and for worse.

In the wake of these incredible ordeals, the Clone Wars begin, and a nineteen year old Anakin marries the now twenty-four year old Padme. He has just lost his mother to horrific violence, committed mass murder in a fit of rage, and had his arm cut off. He is deeply in need of emotional support, and Padme is there for him. Padme, who has recently confessed her own feelings for him, doesn’t reject him, even knowing what he’s done. She becomes his new grounding point, his touchstone, and his most precious relationship. 

To be continued; Anakin in the Clone Wars

[mystery-vixen]

And now for something a little different—

I’ve been feeling very upset for a few days now and haven’t been able to work on anything. Pumped out this depressing story in a little over a hour yesterday though.

Goes hand in hand with my headcanon that Macavity was a jellicle who went insane. This is his failed rehabilitation.

Angst

Characters included: Macavity, Jennyanydots

Warnings: Depression. Suicidal thoughts.

Macavity arrived back in the den late. He was tired from a night out with his “family”. He used that term loosely now. It never felt natural to him in the first place.

As soon as he closed the door he covered his head with his hands. His eyes filled with tears and his claws dug deep into his scalp. He was shaking. He was holding his breath. Everlasting cat above why must you torment me! His mind screamed above the scrambled mess of thoughts and emotions.

He whipped around, striking down the nearest object which was a vase on the table. The ceramic pot smashed against the floor and left glimmering shards scattered in the dirt. He continued his rampage. He walked forward, his shins instantly meeting with the short table on the floor and he bent down to curl his fingers under it. With little effort he flipped the wooden table and threw it across the room where it smashed against the wall and came to slide down in front of the door.

“Macavity stop!”

The ginger cat took pause in his destruction when he heard the all too familiar voice call out to him and he turned his attention to the opposite side of the room. Standing amongst his mess was Jennyanydots. Her brow was folded in worry and she stared at him, horrified by what he was doing. The very sight of her made him feel weak and vulnerable.

“Don’t.. don’t look at me,” he tried to command her, but his voice came out in a plea.

“What is happening to you?” She asked, looking down only for a moment as she stepped over the ceramic shards.

“Nothing!” He responded quickly to her questioning. “There’s nothing wrong with me!” At this, Jenny’s fear faded to sorrow and she stared at him with such sadness that it made him want to fold into himself and never open up again.

“Macavity, dear.. you don’t have to pretend with me. Please let me help you,” she whispered barely audibly. His knees felt weak and he felt the overwhelming urge to fall down at that. Instead, he sank to a squatting position and covered his head once more.

“No. I can’t.. I can’t let you,” he said, not caring if she heard him or not. So many emotions spun around in his head and fought to overpower and kill each other. The need to hurt another —to make someone else feel as powerless and as in pain as he was— came to him and he felt disgusted in his own need to cause others misery.

A warm compress covered his back and he jolted back upright, his eyes wide and staring at the queen who had dared to touch him. “Don’t.” Came his pathetic attempt at a demand. It was worn and broken. A plea to be left alone. To fall deep into himself and never be brought back to others he could potentially hurt —or others who could, in their hatred for what he was, hurt him.

“Please,” she whispered and Macavity could see the beginnings of tears beading in her eyes. How could he deny her this? She wanted to touch him, but oh, how he despised the thought of someone feeling him. Feeling the disgusting outer shell of his decaying and wretched soul. But, contradictory to his previous wish, he desperately wanted to be held. For someone to touch him and not shy away in fear and horror. To love him and not be repulsed in the way that he was by his own being. To stay.

He folded, flattening his ears and lowering his head submissively. He had no strength left in himself to deny her —or himself— this kindness. She didn’t wait. He felt her arms heavy around him in an instant and he allowed himself to be guided against her chest where he rested his cheek against her breast.

“I’m scared,” he whispered. He blinked, tears falling down his cheeks and soaking the queen’s bosom. “I don’t know what’s happening to me. It’s like I’m being torn apart and it hurts… so much.” He didn’t recognize his own voice at that moment. It sounded as if it had been said by a child. A weak, lonely child. Nothing like the cruel and powerful adult he’d become.

“There’s something inside of me,” he whimpered quietly and sniffled against her. His cheek pressed harder against her chest as he pushed into her, begging to be held closer. For his pain to end in this one minuscule act of affection. But, it would never be so easy; and even if this was the first act of love he’d felt in so long it changed nothing.

“It has teeth. It screams for blood. For my own or for another’s.. it doesn’t matter.” He closed his eyes. He couldn’t bear the light. The visual confirmation that this was real and this is what he had become. He silently prayed for all light to end. For darkness to overtake him in an eternal slumber that left his body to decay as his mind had so many years ago.

“Oh dear,” the woman whispered down to him. He felt her gentle hand against his hair and she stroked him ever so carefully. The treatment was so calm. It was so soft. It reminded him of a delicate touch he once knew when he was a kitten and had long forgotten as an adult who’s only source of physical contact was that of tooth and claw. “We all saw it.”

He opened his eyes and the light burned his sight. His heart pounded against his chest as he blinked his vision clear. “What?” He asked quietly. He felt the sigh leave her chest and her gentle pats kept him aware of her presence as she spoke to him.

“We knew you would eventually break, dear. We always knew you were a failure.”

“What?” His voice was sodden with pain. He raised his hands to her back and held onto her, pulling her in against him in a pathetic attempt to coax love and comfort from her. “From the moment you slithered from your mother’s womb like a parasite I knew you were a monster. A despicable little beast that had no right or place among us. You knew it too.”

He felt her fingers beneath his chin and he allowed himself to be pulled back away from her breast. She tilted his head upwards to meet with her gaze and he saw the tears in her eyes. Her lips separated into a smile. A wide, sick smile that made him uneasy and afraid. “You said it yourself, son. We could never love you.” She cackled as she looked down at him. At something truly unworthy of her love and admiration.

In a blink Macavity was leaning forward and he stared at the wall before him. His head whipped around. His eyes darted frantically to find the woman who had cradled him. She was gone. She was.. never there.

He sank further into his knees. The weight of his body was overwhelming and his mind screamed in a thousand anguished voices that begged for any sense of cohesion. His claws raised back over his head, digging deeply into the sides of his face. The physical pain brought some semblance of pleasure to him. As if the distraction to his own inner turmoil was within the destruction of his flesh. No words. No comfort of an otherworldly force his mind had created to torment him would calm him. He craved only one silence that would never be granted to him. He wanted it far more than any kind of magic. Any godly ability he’d accomplished over the years that he cursed now as the accursed thing that had forced him to be an outsider. Although, as he lay crumpled on the floor begging an outside force to lull him to a sleep he wished to never wake from, he questioned the very basis of their unbridled hatred. Was it his magic? Was it his love that he had kept buried so deep within himself that it had starved and eaten away at his heart? Was it him? His disposable, unlovable being forced to live long in misery only to grant others whom he loved to suffer. How he’d beg for that disgusting waste to be ended so that they may live long enough to erase the memory of him and his love. His bitter, empty love that was broken and filthy —because it was his.

As he lay upon the floor, begging any outward force to destroy the monster that lived deep within his body, he cried. The creature feasted upon him. It devoured everything. His heart. His lungs. His stomach. It ate everything until there was nothing left within his body but a black cloud of bitter hatred and sorrow.. and he allowed it. After all, this horrible, excruciating pain hadn’t left him like others had... and it never would.

[vs-redemption]

Ooo cat anon here and I had another cool idea for you!! Which usually always involves bacon bits boy Dabi. Imagine like Dabi x reader where she has powers/personality like Raven from teen Titans or or powers/personality like Starfire. I think the raven one would be super cool! But like him with an airhead like star is funny too :) of course you don’t have to make them but I like giving ideas! - 🐱

From Cindy: Cat anon! I love you! Thanks for the request! Please keep sending me ideas for bacon bits boy Dabi. He’s such an interesting character!

Before you read, I just want to point out a few things. I’ve never seen Teen Titans, so this was written with the limited knowledge I pulled from some quick research. I’m sorry if anything is incorrect!!! Also, this somehow grew to be twice as long as my normal headcanons. I guess I just got really into it, idk 😅

Dabi with a reader like Raven from Teen Titans - Headcanons

Dabi can’t decide if he loves you or hates you when you first join the league of villains.

Well, he doesn’t even really like anyone to begin with, but he could at least admit that he respected your quirk.

He secretly envied your shadow-self’s versatility. Being able to not only manipulate objects with your power, but also create things like shields and barriers with it was invaluable in fights.

If that wasn’t enough to impress him, you were also able to teleport yourself and your allies to safety if things ever got overwhelming and Kurogiri was unavailable.

All these things made you ‘worthy’ in Dabi’s eyes.

There was one thing that really irked him though, and that was your aloof demeanor which never seemed to go away even after being in the League for a while.

Dabi liked to keep an air of mystery about himself, but he hated it on other people. It made him very uncomfortable that he never knew what was going on in your head.

The rest of the league were wildly open with their emotions, so Dabi knew how to manipulate them or get a reaction out of them when it suited him. Not you though. You had your feelings locked up air tight.

Another thing that annoyed Dabi was your apparent high level of maturity.

It amused him at first when you’d point out flaws in the other villain’s ideas without batting an eye, but your impatience with their offended reactions told him that the insults weren’t insults… they were just honest criticisms.

Dabi starts to lean toward hating you for a while after that.

His hatred stems from a burning jealousy. He was the one who was supposed to be closed off, but even he fell victim to his childish urges to taunt others or ended up letting his rage get the better of him in a battle.

He began to wonder if you just didn’t feel emotion at all which only amplified his bitterness towards you. He hated the way his traumatic past controlled him and held him back from being what he truly wished he could be.

He had no idea just how much he had in common with you.

Dabi’s quirk was powerful but destructive, both to himself and his surroundings.

Your shadow-self quirk was also incredible, but its power was linked to your emotions. If you didn’t control your feelings as well as you did, your power could easily go out of control and cause unbelievable damage.

Dabi also had no clue about another one of your abilities that came with your quirk.

Empathy.

Being around Dabi was difficult for you. He appeared confident and cool on the surface, but there was an intense storm of rage, sadness, and physical pain constantly at war inside him.

Your first instinct was to stay away, but your more pragmatic side told you that your fellow villain could be a liability if he continued to work in such an unstable state.

When you offer to help by showing him some of your meditation techniques, it goes VERY poorly.

Dabi is horrified to find out you have such an insight to his private feelings. He is paranoid that you might know more about his past and real identity than you let on. He is terrified of you spilling his secrets to the rest of the league.

The turning point between the two of you comes during the aftermath of a particularly gruesome fight with the pro heroes.

Dabi had lost himself in the throes of battle and overused his quirk, allowing his hot blue flames to burn his own flesh and make the scars on his chest and arms even worse than they already were.

“You’re an idiot.”

As if he weren’t in enough pain, you had to come over and rub salt in the wound by pointing out what he already knew.

He’s shocked when you reveal another aspect of your powers to him. Rapid healing.

You place a hand gently on his arm and close your eyes. The instant relief is astounding to Dabi, until he figures out what you’re actually doing.

He sees your face contort in pain and understands immediately that you’re taking on the agony of his wounds in order to heal him.

All at once, Dabi’s hatred for you dissolves and turns into intense admiration.

If you didn’t experience normal human feelings, why help him in the first place?

If you didn’t care about others, why would you selflessly endure the scorching pain of his burns without asking for anything in return?

His need to understand your inner workings double in intensity and he brings up your earlier offer of helping him to better manage his emotions through meditation. It helps him so much, and you never push him to explain what had made him become so broken in the first place.

Dabi begins to associate you in his mind with calmness and peace and he can’t get enough since you’re able to alleviate him not only of his physical pain, but his mental pain too.

Once his hostility towards you is gone and his inner turmoil starts to quell, you find yourself much less opposed to his company and a trust is formed.

You were both lone wolf types, and understood not to intrude too much into each other’s space.

After the bond between you both is established, you manage to share some personal moments like exchanging annoyed looks whenever one of the villains suggests something over the top or makes a ridiculous comment.

When you both are alone, you even allow yourself to open up enough to respond to some of his wise cracks with your own sarcastic remarks.

Seeing that you actually have a sense of humor is what gets Dabi to finally fall for you. Your power, your personality, and even your fashion sense complimented him so perfectly. He can’t believe he ever hated you.

For you, it was the unshakable trust you had in Dabi that made you fall for him. Despite wanting to know everything about you, he never pushed you to divulge anything you weren’t comfortable with.

Eventually, you both reveal your more vulnerable sides by sharing truths about your powers and his past. It only serves to bring you closer.

Neither of you expects or needs the other to make any grand romantic gestures or offer sweet words of affection, but that doesn’t make the relationship between you any less potent or real.

[xaibaugrove]

An Analysis of Ellie

In honor of The Last Of Us Day, I’m finally gonna drag out this headcanon I’ve had in my drafts forever. If you choose to read this, good luck because it’s a long time. 

Of course, SPOILERS AHEAD. 

So, this all started with me thinking about how Ellie has suffered from survivor’s guilt ever since she discovered her immunity, when she was meant to die with her girlfriend/best friend Riley. 

In that moment, Ellie had already embraced death and wanted to share it with her loved one, but that was robbed from her. She continued to live while forced to watch who might have been the first person she ever loved turn from infection. Ellie had no explanation for why that gift of immunity had been given to her. She had that gift thrust upon her by forces outside of her control. Ellie had to contend with her new existence as someone immune to the infection that had torn apart Earth’s reality, trapped in a paradox as a young teenage girl in a post apocalyptic world, until Marlene relieved her of that pressure by giving her life meaning, by giving purpose to her immunity and bestowing an important identity upon her: the savior of the human race.

Before all that, Ellie had always been just a number. She was just an orphan kid in a sea of other faceless, nameless kids in a military boarding school, without a future or special kind of destiny in a bleak world without any real meaning. Suddenly, she was a savior for all humanity and tasked with the tremendous responsibility of staying alive. She had to contend with her life having more value than others, seeing people sacrificing themselves over and over again, for her, when she had lived as a nobody for all her life until that point when everything changed.

I can imagine that that was a lot for Ellie to deal with as a teenager, a key developmental time in her life when she is just learning who she is as a person. A lot of her identity was based on not having an identity. Being trained and destined to be a nameless soldier. So when that identity was called into question, when she was smacked in the face with immunity to a virus that killed her best friend and numerous people on the planet, she needed the absurdity of her existence to be reigned in by her new title of savior of the human race.

During her journey with Joel, while the player mostly experienced the story and struggle of Joel, Ellie was struggling with her own internal issues as the secondary character. She mainly dealt with the loss of her innocence but she also still carried within her a crippling survivor’s guilt. This is very apparent after the death of Tess. In that pivotal scene in Part 1, Tess made it abundantly clear that the only reason why she was sacrificing herself was because of Ellie’s immunity, to the point of physically grabbing Ellie by the arm and pointing to the point of infection, relegating Ellie to just her immunity. Of course it wasn’t Tess’s intention to do that, but one can only wonder how Ellie absorbed that moment, another moment that helped her in defining herself. Tess wasn’t risking her life to save Ellie the person. She sacrificed herself for the immunity, the potential cure Ellie carried within her. 

This assisted Ellie in defining herself by her immunity. Instead of thinking about herself and how she related to the world around her with all the contradictions of her childhood, and the relationships she formed with Joel and Sam, the people in that world, it was easier to just soldier through life with the sole goal of fulfilling her destiny. Saving the human race.

Then came the turning point in her life, when her identity was stripped from her by the very person she had come to trust and love the most.

In a way, Ellie had her autonomy taken from her by Joel and had to come to grips with that, the fact that Joel loved her and yet, hurt her deeply as a result of that love, without truly acknowledging it. In making this ultimate decision about her life for her, Joel triggered her survivor’s guilt and Ellie had no way of expressing it, 1. Because Joel lied to her about the situation and forced the conversation to be buried in that lie, and 2. Because even if she gathered the courage to confront him about the lie, she didn’t really have the cognitive ability at the time to express herself fully, to tell him exactly what was wrong with it. And maybe on some level, she didn’t really want to have the conversation and finally clarify the unspoken truth. If she did initiate the conversation, how could she be angry at him when his defense is that he did what he did out of love? What defense would an average teenager have against a parent making that statement in one of many common situations that could occur in normal settings?

Because of the decision that Joel made, he was able to be content with his surrogate daughter, living his best life in a way, while Ellie was devastated in the aftermath. And if he did notice her inner turmoil, he never addressed it. She was probably subtly carrying around that guilt with her for years. It might have even bothered her or made her hesitant to indulge in the many positive aspects of being alive: developing friendships, romantic relationships, normal childhood things. It wasn’t until Ellie was allowed to stew on it, contemplate everything and allow the guilt to fester within her that she was able to finally muster up the courage to have that difficult conversation with Joel.

In yet another pivotal scene, this time in Part 2, she gave him another chance to confess to what she suspected was a lie for multiple years when she was met with another trigger of her survivor’s guilt, during the reluctant excursion she embarked upon with Joel in search of strings for the guitar he made for her. In that scene, she questions him, counters his excuses and challenges him. Ellie gave Joel the chance to be honest with her. And his choice was to dig his heels in deeper, lying to her face once again. When watching Ellie’s expressions after Joel silenced her protests, so much can be seen in the way she looks at him for a moment.

She looks at him and thinks of how many things he has done to make her happy, out of love for her, and the immense contradiction she feels with those acts of love when compared to the greatest pain he inadvertently inflicted on her as well as the continuation of that pain through him perpetuating the lie. She gave him another chance and he betrayed her trust again. When Ellie looks away from Joel, her expression then reveals her innermost thoughts. Her eyes search the void between them to see that Joel will never admit to the lie and the only way for her to reinforce what she believes is the real truth is for her to seek out the answers herself. So she does.

When he did finally confess to everything, it broke her with not only how indifferent he was to it, but how he had destroyed any chance she could have of fulfilling her purpose. It possibly even reaffirmed the suspicions in the back of her mind that questioned his love for her due to how much he had hurt her without apologizing even once for it and how much he had taken from her in the process. The validity of all their past interactions were suddenly called into question as well, because although Joel did those things to make Ellie happy, every happy moment was always undercut by the tremendous amount of guilt she carried that outweighed the happier moments for her as her entire life was worthless to her, from the moment Joel removed her from that hospital.

After that revelation, her sense of self was thrown into limbo. Ellie severed her relationship with Joel and went back to Jackson with no idea of how to truly carry on with her life and live with herself after that. In order to appease herself in some way, she regained some type of control in navigating their relationship from that point on. Before, their relationship hinged entirely on how Joel wanted to interact with her, with him approaching her to progress their father-daughter relationship after he removed her agency by making choices for her. Post their argument at St. Mary’s, it’s important to note that Ellie assumed control and eliminated that progression entirely. A consolation prize, a reclamation of her agency in life. But it was never enough.

Regardless, things continued on like that for some time, but then something happened that shifted the trajectory of Joel and Ellie’s relationship. On a night when Ellie attended a party, she happened to find herself possibly feeling grateful for being alive when her longtime best friend expressed interest in her and made an advance toward her. 

After Joel intervened in a conflict between her and a dumbass bigot, she angrily went to confront him. She continued to exercise her control in their relationship by coming down hard on him. Her anger about everything was very apparent during their confrontation later that night and one can see that she still felt like her life was technically meaningless without her death for the sake of a cure for the salvation of the human race. During that scene she finally expresses exactly how she feels, what she hadn’t been able to articulate for years.

It’s important to note that before she says any of that, Joel disarms her. Joel asked her about the simplest of things, if Dina was her girlfriend. Then he placed an importance on her existence, by saying that Dina would be lucky to have her, which I believe Ellie thought about for a split second. She ruminated on her feelings, on how a potential romantic relationship with Dina made her feel happy to be alive, as it wouldn’t have been possible if she had died in the hospital. And this thought, that Joel could have been right to save her, that she could possibly agree with him, caused her survivor’s guilt to spiral and she lashed out at him with all the emotions she felt since he first agreed to smuggle her across the country years ago.

Then, in a turning point in their dynamic, Joel is finally forthright with her when he responds to her frustration by stating that he would do it all over again. As a result, for the first time ever, Ellie feels as though she can finally understand his motivations and the validity of his love for her. In his honesty, he tells her that her life does have value to him, even if she can’t see that herself. And although she will never forgive him for his transgression or fully understand it because she doesn’t see her own value as a person aside from the potential cure she carries within herself along with her immunity, she realizes that she can’t stop herself from wanting... From wanting to live, from wanting to experience the joys of life, wanting to just be human. Joel introduces a new purpose to her life, to simply exist without purpose and be herself and find value in her life as just a person living it. She can’t erase the past and change Joel’s choices that directly affected her in the end, but she can choose to try his suggestion. To live life, despite her guilt and despite how afraid she feels to do it. This late night moment of vulnerability between a father and daughter opens the door to them possibly repairing what was broken 4 years ago.

Her entire world is then shattered when Abby slams that door shut by killing Joel. Just when Ellie was setting down the path of finding the strength to move on and repair their relationship. Her survivor’s guilt was triggered and sent into overdrive by this event, because once she discovered that the people who killed Joel were ex-Fireflies, she came to the conclusion that Abby killed Joel in retaliation to him removing Ellie from the hospital and killing any hopes of a cure, along with all the Fireflies in the hospital. This essentially caused Ellie to believe that Joel was killed because of her in a roundabout way, as he would have still been alive if he hadn’t saved her, further enforcing her belief that her ultimate destiny in life was to die in that hospital. In Ellie’s mind, Joel died for a pointless reason, because she viewed herself as worthless.

Since she and Joel were the only ones who carried the secret of what really happened at St. Mary’s, there was no one else who could blame her or punish her for his death. Abby punished someone who didn’t deserve the blame and let Ellie go, leaving her to deal with the aftermath and that survivor’s guilt. In Ellie’s mind, it should have been her, but there was no way for her to have swapped herself in Joel’s place. So she punished herself in a different way. This sends her down her path of addiction to self-destruction.

Ellie had no way of punishing herself for her immunity for all those years, for surviving while others died for her. Abby provided an outlet for this desire. Ellie pursued Abby under the guise of getting justice for Joel but more can be ascertained from her constant push to find Abby, in her constantly doing things that go against her better nature, committing horrible acts and torturing people, debasing herself and pushing away those who love her or even putting them in danger while simultaneously traumatizing herself all at once. With every murder she committed, with every wound she sustained, she was punishing herself for being alive.

Each wound she suffered during that pursuit was like a high for her, an adrenaline rush. Each time she damaged her mental state even further with a new murder of one of Abby’s friends, she reinforced the belief that she deserved all of this for surviving. She deserved all the pain for being the cure, for being immune and benefiting from it while the world and everyone in it suffered. This is why Ellie can’t let go, even after her first encounter with Abby.

It was easy for Ellie to spiral in that self-destructive cycle. She punished herself for Joel’s death by pursuing Abby, which caused her closest friends to suffer because they were connected to her hunt for justice. Even when it all seemed to be over and Ellie tried to change. Tommy nearly died and wound up crippled and separated from his wife because of her and even JJ wound up without a father due to Jesse dying while helping her in her pursuit of Abby. This all contributed to her revisiting the same destructive path when Tommy accused her of not following through after all he had lost for her. Tommy started her self-punishment with that accusation. And once Ellie had the chance to think it all over, it was easy for her to return to the same bad habits. This is why she leaves and continues to pursue Abby, steeling herself against a near-fatal abdominal injury, doing whatever it takes to get to her, lying to herself this time, by telling herself all the while that it is in service of Joel. To repay his life that was taken from him. To even out the injustice.

Ellie realizes this lie when she is mere seconds away from exacting her revenge by drowning Abby in the ocean. Joel’s face flashes across her mind, of him during that night when he told her that her life had value. She realizes in that moment that killing Abby will not bring her peace, because the motivation behind the act is a lie. It will not give her life value or meaning, or purpose. Because her life already has value. Outside of a cure, outside of her immunity, outside of her saving humankind. Her life has value because of who she is, not what she can give to the world. And Ellie finally realizes that she must accept this to be whole. Killing Abby won’t help her do this...so she lets her go. She watches the boat leave as she sits in the ocean tides ebbing and flowing around her, thinking of how broken she is, how much she has lost and if she can bring herself back from the brink to find value in the meaningless existence she believed her life was for so long.

When she revisits the farm and contemplates all this while holding a guitar that she’ll never be able to play again, she recalls that memory, when Joel reminded her of her value. In that final scene, she realized that Joel was the first person in her life who didn’t see her for her immunity. Joel saw Ellie for who she was and saw value in her as a person. To such a degree that he was willing to risk all of humanity to keep her alive. She was then able to forgive him and know that he truly did love her for her, something no one else had ever done before him. And if he could love her for her, maybe she could learn to do the same.

[anakinisvaderisanakin]

Tony Stark Is An Emotional Man - My Unpopular(?) Take

So, I’m rewatching the MCU - because of course I am - and I just realized something watching The Avengers for the first time in probably 10 years.

While everyone believes Tony is a prick - and don’t get me wrong, he is 60% attitude in a small package - until he saves the damn planet; the statement he gives to Banner about the Hulk saving him is very heartfelt. He opens up about his own condition with the shrapnel, which is a rare moment of him being openly vulnerable - especially in the earlier phase of the MCU. He is being genuine, and he is trying to make Banner see the positives and understand that perhaps, the situation isn’t as bleak as he’s been thinking.

Tony is trying to provide help, to comfort Banner; not for his own gain but because he recognizes himself in Banner, in spite of their very different ways of handling their inner demons, and their wildly differing personalities. Because he knows what it’s like to lose your way and your self worth, and he wants to see Banner regain some sense of himself the same way he has.

It’s nice to see the kind side to Tony, and for him to expose it willingly to help a fellow team mate - and eventually friend - accept himself and his inner struggle. Tony does not get credit enough for the fact that he always did have that side to him, he just didn’t know how to show it. Even his jokes and snarky sarcasm get less “mean spirited” as he evolves, and grows as a person.

I feel like Iron Man 2 coupled with The Avengers (and of course Iron Man 3 added onto that) are a perfect portrayal of how Tony’s more outward sense of caring for people, despite his awkward sense of socializing, was already beginning to shine through the cracks.

To me, Tony Stark is by far the most compelling character because while I am not entirely like him, I recognize so much of myself and my own hardships. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself, and Tony is the perfect metaphor for that. He even directly likens himself to a phoenix in Iron Man 2, although played for laughs at the Stark Expo.

But not only that, later on in the movie when Steve insinuates that Tony is not a hero, that he would never sacrifice himself on behalf of another; that he fights for himself alone, and tells him he's basically nothing without the suit - you can see it's hurting him. Tony never really holds eye contact unless it's worth while; unless it's getting to him and requires his full attention coming from someone he truly trusts, unless it means something. You see him keep his eyes off of everybody in social situations before he knows them or they have earned his respect; you see him avoiding getting in neck deep, avoiding and brushing off comments on his distant persona.

But that insult right there; from the man his father would rave about, that's taking. You see the pain in his eyes, you see the fact that he's being torn open. You see that he's brought right back to who he once was, reliving the guilt of every mistake he ever made. All because of Steve's judgmental, misguided perception of him. Tony hides his true self; hides his suffering, and his internal grappling with his shame and guilt over every problem and death he's directly or indirectly caused. The fact that Steve Rogers - of all people, as the revered Captain America - cannot see through his surface disguise is really getting to him. I believe Tony had assumed Steve would be superhuman, and he's struck by the realization that Steve is no more human than he himself is. He has imperfections, and flaws, and jumps to conclusions.

And the fact that it is Steve, of all people, making these assumptions of him and taking these jabs at him makes it all the worse. You need only watch for Tony keeping eye contact throughout the verbal onslaught to know it's hitting home; and to know that Tony feels, Tony knows this is what people all initially think of him. He had just hoped that somebody as subjectively righteous and morally good as Steve would have the ability to see through the facade. The fact that he doesn't, and that he doesn't hold back on his opinion, is what hits the hardest.

Another point is when Fury informs the remaining team of Coulson's (faked) death. Tony doesn't look at anyone, he sits turned completely away from the conversation. You can see he's close to losing it, and if he were to speak, if he were to look up, were to make any sort of eye contact directly - he would crack. That's one thing I love about RDJ's portrayal of Tony; the fact that he is so terrified of showing his vulnerable side in front of others, even when he is grieving or blaming himself for any mishap. He feels like he has to be the strong one, like he has to keep it together. Not for himself as much as for everyone else - because if the unfeeling, arrogant Iron Man breaks, how are any of the other team mates going to make it?

If Tony of all people reveals he takes it harder than almost anyone else present, how are they going to see him as the same man? I love how it is only later in the MCU, that he exposes this side of himself more willingly and freely - like in Endgame where he mentions how he lost “the kid” while referring to Peter. He not only maintains eye contact with Steve as he admits that, he chokes up. This same theme is prevalent between them in Civil War when Tony asks Steve to lay down his guard and hand over Bucky, “because it’s us” - which is a testament to the fact that Tony has now accepted Steve as a friend and ally, and this betrayal of his hard earned trust is breaking his heart. But this early on, none of this has become a valid option to him yet. So he keeps it inside; refusing to show his true colours.

And in this moment, what does he do when it gets too much? When he's required to speak up, to acknowledge Fury's mention of The Avengers project? He ups and leaves. Because if he speaks; judging by the eyes alone (which is yet another credit to Robert) he's going to tear up. And hence, he walks out to get it under control, to reil himself back in. It’s a habit he throughout the franchise will begin to display less and less; as he learns to be more comfortable with the team as friends, as well as openly displaying his own emotions.

We see another side to this later when Steve approaches Tony alone one on one; and Tony initially attempts to make quips about how Coulson shouldn't have gone alone, how he was an outgunned idiot. Steve cuts straight to the core, and Tony snaps. You see him nearly tear up, you see how upset he truly is deep down and how he was only doing his best to play it off the only way he knows how. But as soon as he is spoken to, is forced to make an assessment, to actually talk about it; to look Steve in the eye and defend himself - that's the exposed vulnerability that is the real Tony Stark.

Behind the snarks, behind the facade, behind the charade of the arrogant, nonchalant prick he’s been trying to make the world see him for. He's as human as he could ever be; and I believe this is also the first time Steve notices that there is more to Tony than he had presumed. He too, had assumed Tony is too wrapped up in his own ego and lavish life resume to care for the smaller man. But here, he sees that Tony feels, Tony sympathizes, and Tony is deeply traumatized by the fact that he - as he feels - allowed this to happen. He sees that Tony believes this is on his conscious.

Tony's glassy eyes and emotional turmoil betray him, and even though he jumps right back to his intellect and brains as a safety net and a defense mechanism - addressing Loki's plan to hit them at home and split them apart - this is the first time Steve is exposed to Tony's determination, ability to assess and deduce the situation, as well as his belief in doing the right thing (another theme seen later in Age of Ultron regarding Tony’s creation of Ultron himself, as well as in Civil War where Tony is adamant that the Sokovia Accords are the right path to take to pay for the critical mistake Ultron turned out to be.) And as they assemble, you're struck with the realization that this has been enough of an eye opener for Steve to realize that there is more to Tony Stark than meets the eye.

And who is first to the tower, leading the charge if not Tony?

And despite his blind faith in his own skill and ability to stall Loki just long enough; there's the epitome of the courage Tony possesses. He knows that without the suit, he has no fighting chance. He knows Loki could snap his neck in the blink of an eye. And still, he never backs off. Indeed, there is an underlying death wish or at the very least a sense of him subconsciously feeling he deserves and is fated a grim deminse - but it does take unprecedented bravery to put yourself in such clear danger.

Tony Stark could be called many things; but a coward is not one of them. Sure, he does have the untested suit on hold, but he did not know 100% it was going to work as planned. He was counting on it, but you know a part of him knew it was a long shot and might not work out in the end. The suit could have been faulty, Loki could have cracked his head open; the cavalry could have been running late. Still, Tony gambles with his life and luckily barely comes out on top.

At last, we have the finale. What can be said about it, except the fact that it shows exactly who Tony truly is? He knows he's going to die - indeed he doesn't - but he is intent on that, he is accepting death and welcoming it. If it helps save the world, if it will keep Pepper and everyone he loves, everyone he knows; everyone alive safe.

Here, the decision from the first Iron Man to actually show us Tony's eyes and face behind the mask is a godsend. Seeing as RDJ is an actor who communicates so much of his emotional range with his eyes only; we are given an easy access to see everything Tony is experiencing flash through them. We see the fear, the pain, the uncertainty; the acceptance of the inevitable. We see his eyes convey the jumbled mass of conflicting emotions speeding through his mind, we see how he finally just relents and gives in to what he thinks is going to be his time of dying. His final moments.

And he has made them worthwhile, he has already achieved what Yinsen begged of him in that cave in Afghanistan - he has made his survival count. He has saved numerous lives, and if his death is what it takes - so be it. Cue the parallel to Endgame. Hell, even Age of Ultron has elements of this as previously mentioned; although that one was on Tony himself, and his irrevocable fear and flaws as a human being. However, here the team sees Tony's will to sacrifice himself firsthand, for the first time; and contrary to Steve's initial assessment that Tony would never put his life on the line for anyone but himself - he does just that.

This is what makes this movie so powerful.

Sure, it builds upon every team member’s arc; even Fury's. But it is Tony who proves himself above all; who shows the team what we the audience already knew. That he is a hero, that our past does not define us. That Tony Stark feels, that he knows right from wrong although he's still stumbling blind half the time - just like the rest of us. And it proves to Steve - to the entire team - that he is not merely the selfish, arrogant asshole only sticking up for himself. He is a man, albeit a flawed one, who cares deeply. Who feels, who mourns, who appreciates life and the people around him; and who is - behind the barrier he's placed between himself and everyone else to avoid getting hurt - extremely insecure. He is fearful, apprehensive, sensitive, and well aware of his shortcomings.

And Tony Stark is, first and foremost, a good man.

Repost from my previous blog.

[marshmallowprotection]

Kait Reacts To The AE 10/?

Hi! These reactions are written out every time a Chatroom opens and it’s done over the course of the day. So, you’re watching me react in real time as it is for me. So, Spoilers AHOY. Expect Another post like this tomorrow, there is just too many chats to put it all in one post. So, hey, if you click this, you’re opening yourself to spoilers, you make the choice. If I do this right, there should only be two posts tomorrow. 

[21:39]

The chatroom opens again. Saeran knows the truth. He ran off. I don’t know how he handled it. I don’t. He said nothing. He just left. I had a feeling for a moment that he used this... grief and moment of weakness to make the distraction that needed to be made and I don’t know if I’m still on the good ending path or not right now because I didn’t think the game was going to continue to separate me and Saeran. I sincerely didn’t. It felt like maybe there was a shred of hope but now I just. 

I don’t know. I don’t know what to think here when I’m reading through this part and it hurts. But, I do appreciate the commentary in this chatroom because time and time again, the game lets you tell Rika she’s wrong. She needs to hear that shit whether she likes or not. Nobody can coddle her. She needs to facts and be honest. She needs to admit she did wrong. 

She cannot live a lie. I thought she was going to lash out. I don’t know if she will at this point but she and V leave the chatroom after this conversation so make of that what you will. There’s some dodgy moments there for a second as they try to figure out where he went and who should go after then. I really don’t even care anymore about what’s going on with them. I cannot trust them. I just can’t do that. 

They both hid this secret, and the bombshell is that V is there that day. He was close-by. Rika didn’t fucking hide it from him. He hid that. I didn’t know that, I did not even think that he knew. I thought maybe... he assumed, but I wasn’t sure if he actually knew. He didn’t know about Mika, either. So, this just proves that V has been hiding her and spurning this all along and Mika was there as well to push Rika deeper into what she already wanted to do and who she wanted to be. No wonder she crashed when she did, honestly. 

Saeran hits V with a text and that’s when I know this is the end. 

He only texted V something vague about where to find him. 

Once again! So, yeah, that’s one thing that caught me off-guard and now I can’t unsee or unread what I learned. V knew from the start that she was going down a bad path and he knows right and wrong, but he just... he didn’t. He didn’t stop her and he didn’t help her go to where she needed, we know that she blacked out when she killed Mother Choi. She was fearful for her life in that moment and likely wouldn’t have faced a huge punishment. 

But, she still took a life. 

And Rika herself says... “Even my abusive mother... if someone killed her... the devil would be the one that killed her.” Therefore, in that logic, she and V are the devils. V asks me if it’s a mistake. Let’s just make it clear how I handled that one with him. 

I race to Saeran as fast as I can in the visual novel. It’s... there’s no choice for me here. I have to leave him and the music is playing louder in the background and I just. I’m crying. “I don’t want to leave you. Please.” I try to see if he’s okay but he’s... at peace with the truth. I don’t know how I would have handled that in this situation. Does anyone feel relief when their abuser is dead? It tends to be muddled quite a bit for most people. 

Saeran tells me that he won’t change his mind, though. I don’t have the strength or the ability to type through my tears right now so I just copied the dialogue out from the game and pasted it here for you to see why I’m so fucked up. I can’t just forget you and leave, Saeran Choi. That’s not how this works. We’ve talked about this. Nobody can make me choose anything, just as nobody can make you choose anything. 

And, I choose you, forever and always. 

So, if you think that I could leave and never look back, you’re wrong. I can’t do that. I don’t know... I just. I can’t. I don’t know. Zen texted me after this and said even though Jumin said no, he wants to help me make a plan with Yoosung to be able to save Saeran. Maybe, that’s the key? I don’t know. 

[23:00]

I have never been sadder in my life than the moment that I heard Generously Hacked Bepop. Honestly. That song came on and I was just. I’m too sad for this upbeat jazz party. I can’t. The RFA is together and they want to know that we’re okay. We got out. Saeran stalled. He did what he could. We’re out of there and Saeyoung is going to be awake within four hours and we’re going to be at C&R within two hours. There’s not much to note, here. All I know is that we’re on the move. 

Zen and Yoosung want to rescue Saeran. Jumin... I don’t know. He seems to be thinking otherwise. I don’t like that. He and Saeran likely had a talk. I don’t know, I’m just... guessing here. He also says something that we shouldn’t forget, that the group wants to put on a big announcement in the morning. I don’t know what that means. I’m actually. 

The worst thought came to me when he said that because. 

I thought. 

What if the plan is to say that Saejoong Choi killed Saeran? To everyone, to all of those in earshot. I don’t know. It’s just a guess. But, when Saeyoung does the work for the agency and takes them down... he’s the only boss left to take care in a sense. Is that the plan? It has to do with Saejoong. I don’t. I don’t know. I just can’t figure it out. This is my guess... but I don’t know. They said that they will tell me when I get there. 

That means I may not like it. 

That means I could be right and. 

My track record of being right has doomed me thus far. 

Anyways, the visual novel is rather lengthy and it fucked me up. It fucked me up really bad. I just. There was the music, there was the emotional turmoil, there was just too much to process all at once for me to be able to handle what was even happening here. Rika and V really did get rid of the body together, they did that. I can’t. I can’t believe that. Saeran is... I can’t believe his level of maturity, I said that I didn’t want him to forgive Rika or V. But, he chooses to forgive them because that’s his choice. 

He doesn’t want to be angry anymore. 

He doesn’t want to think of the pain. 

He doesn’t want to drown in that feeling.

He just wants to be happy. 

He chooses that for himself, and honestly, it felt like he did that as he came to the conclusion that this was it. There’s a lot to unpack here so... I’m just going to let Saeran speak for himself for the most part as I recount my feelings on the matter. He’s... I’m proud of him. I know that he picked this for himself and I want to respect his freedom. He decided to forgive, and he decided that this was the right emotional choice for him. Don’t get me wrong, I doubt he’s going to let them into our lives. 

Forgiveness does not mean friendship.

It means that we can part ways as well and end that arc of trauma. It’s a choice that you can make. You don’t have to make it. If it helps you, make it. Saeran is the one that decided that he needed to do this. I respect that. I don’t know what V and Rika plan to do.

And for the worst, he looks at them with this look on his face and simply says: 

It was my worst fear come true and I don’t... I can’t. He is willing to die for this cause. I can’t. I can’t. Rika freaks out. She says that she is the root of all evil because this “never would have happened if I didn’t kill your mother.” She can’t change the past, and she has to live with that. If she and V do turn around here and do the right thing, don’t expect me to forgive them for what they did. Even if you do the right thing at the last second, you are owed nothing. 

I’m twisted. I know that neither of them want Saeran to die like this. I know that, but... after all that they’ve done. It’s just hard for me. Saeran is a bit more stronger then me, I guess. I admire that about him and I love him for it. He is so warm and so kind. I will never let myself forget that. But, this isn’t the end, and I am not leaving him to die. 

You can call him after this as well. 

His phone is about to die. He’s tired. He can’t move. He’s laying there on the grass as he watches the sky. He repeats his love over and over and over and over again. He says that he’s grateful for me being there for him when he needed someone and he’ll never forget that. He tells you every way that he loves you and every way that he is thankful and it’s hard to focus on it when you are crying. 

And... he just... 

Saeran: “I’m free. I’m finally free. My life was always a cage that I never thought I would escape from... but. I’m free. I love you... I will love you forever... I love you, I love you so much... I...”

And the phone drops the call when his battery dies and I die a little alongside that. 

Please, please let me rescue him before it’s too late. 

[concussed-to-pieces]

Stay Safe Part Eight: Savior At High Noon

Fandom: The Mandalorian [Star Wars]

Pairing: Eventual Mandalorian [Din Djarin]/Reader

Rating: Holy shit M.

AN: You kids ready for a firefight? I'm talkin' Yojimbo, bringing a knife to a gun fight levels of firefight. Enjoy!

Tag List: @wrestlingfae @huliabitch @toxiicpop @helplessly-nonstop @culturalrebel @renegademustelid @sinnamon-bunn @literal-fand0m-trash @fioccodineveautunnale @hxldmxdxwn @lizajane3 @thewaythisis @nellyneko @absurdthirst @kylolover96 @crownofmanga @talesfromtheguild @robbinholland @lukesrighthand @hoodedbirdie @lackofhonor @thyestean-feast @oh-no-who-am-i

Part One: Should Have Known Better

Part Two: Tranquil Turmoil

Part Three: Vibroblade Mettle

Part Four: Reaching Out

Part Five: Dark Past

Part Six: Go Alone

Part Seven: Like A Ghost

[!TRIGGER WARNING!: This installment contains graphic depictions of gore. Stay safe!]

You walked through the night and on into the next day, only stopping briefly for short breaks or to halfheartedly gnaw at a tasteless ration bar. You hadn't actually meant to go for so long without a proper rest, but it was as though your legs had a mind of their own. You just kept putting one foot in front of the other, studiously avoiding the thoughts that threatened your fragile emotional state.

When you finally arrived at the city gates as the sun was setting, you were momentarily confused to see two stormtroopers posted there. Oh, right. That message mentioned something like this.

"Chain code." One of them ordered as you approached, his scanner already out.

"Uh." Your voice rasped dryly and you winced, clearing your throat. "Um, let me…" You wearily dug through several of your pouches before you finally located the battered card, holding it out to the trooper. He scanned it silently, held it up to the light, and then handed it back with a nod. 

"Don't cause any trouble, drifter." His modulated voice sent a sad little tremor of familiarity through your body. You trudged past the sentries, feeling exhaustion burn at your eyes. Maker, you could use a nap. What time was it? 

Slogging your way through the sand, you waved to a few people you did recognize, well on your way to sleeping wherever you stopped next. The sheer number of stormtroopers around was something that you knew you ought to find concerning, but at the moment you couldn't muster up the ability to care.

Aside from that, this was normal. This was what you knew, comfortable in its familiarity. The clunky droids, the sand in your boots, the whirring grind of hoverskiff engines.

Normal. 

You finally landed beneath a rare unoccupied overhang in an alley, your small pack clutched to your chest as you curled up on your side in the sand. 

Normal.

This was what you had wanted to return to when all of this started out, you reminded yourself sternly while you wrapped up in your cloak. Stability. Safety. Work. 

Why did your chest ache so much?

Your shoulders heaved as you sucked in a breath, the pack you held seeming too heavy. The child hadn't been heavy at all. Negligible, even. You wondered where they would go after all of this was sorted out, whether the Mandalorian would come back regularly once the Guild was reinstated and his record was expunged.

The galaxy would keep on spinning, despite your weary ruminations.

I'll never see him again, will I? Him or the child.

Overhead, the stars began to reveal themselves one after another as night descended upon the small city, and you slowly lost the fight with the tears that you had been holding back since you left the cockpit.

This is the Way. 

...

A dull rumble roused you from your uneasy slumber, and you briefly feared that there was a storm coming. The beaming sunlight seemed to contraindicate that notion, though. You squinted upwards, trying to gauge the time. It would appear that you had slept through the night; if you had to guess, you would say it was nearly noon.

Your stomach growled and you sat up slowly, digging around in your pack for the bar that you had forsaken the day prior.

A black ship roared by overhead and your eyes widened, certain that-- 

What the hell was that?! You pinched the skin of your inner arm, then swore loudly at the pain. Several more rumbles echoed through the streets, and now you could dimly pick up the rattle of automatic blaster fire. Armed conflicts were not unheard of, but never on a scale like this. It sounded like a full-blown invasion!

You scrambled to your feet, your pack abandoned on the ground. After a moment of hesitation where you thought better of whatever it was that you planned on doing, you set off running towards the commotion. 

The ruckus seemed to be moving steadily in the direction of the town cantina. Your own path took you parallel to the main thoroughfare and after a few moments, you caught a fleeting glimpse of the IG unit zipping past. 

What? 

You skidded to a stop, then changed direction to emerge out onto the main road. It was IG-11, the spindly droid astride a speeder bike taking out stormtroopers left and right. "IG!" You yelled, waving your arms to get its attention.

The droid didn't pause in its fire even as it greeted you, eyes rotating to catch any and all encroaching threats. "There has been a change in the plan." IG-11 said calmly. "Kuiil has been terminated. I would advise you to pick up a weapon and assist me in defending the child."

Kuiil has been terminated. Your heart broke, but you barely had time to register the grief. "You have the baby?!" You gasped, noticing the pack around the droid's torso as you did. 

"Of course. I have been programmed to protect."

You rushed to yank free one of the plastoid armor sections from a fallen stormtrooper, ending up with the whole sleeve shucked off in your hands. It was no beskar, but hopefully it would help. You had seen the Mandalorian defend his head by simply shifting his shoulder. If you used that same technique, you might be able to get away with lugging less armor along. 

You pulled the armor up over your shoulder, the black body-sleeve gripping your bare arm tightly. A standard-issue blaster settled into your hands, clunky and unfamiliar but you would make it work. You had no real choice in the matter. You nodded stiffly up at the IG unit, who revved the speeder bike. "I cannot wait for you. It is imperative that I make my way forward with haste." The droid informed you.

"I get it. You go on, I'll follow." You replied, reaching out for one indulgent second to cup the baby's cheek. They were simply watching silently from the satchel, those huge eyes looking slightly dazed. A bruise darkened the skin over their left eye. "Take care of them. Please."

"Of course." IG-11 sped off in a cloud of dust and you squared your shoulders. 

Well. You couldn't say that a plan not going properly was anything new. 

You trailed along after the capable droid, striding across the sandy streets with renewed purpose. Few stormtroopers escaped IG-11's blaster shots and if they did, your own soon finished them off. Every pull of the trigger was pragmatic, removed from you but still holding weight. You refused to dwell on the carnage at this moment. Later, there would be time. Just like for Kuiil. Time to grieve, time to process...

You checked your ammunition and kept moving, your eyes scanning the sand clouds ahead. You were approaching the town square, the locale of the cantina which served as the hub for the Guild on Nevarro. Blaster shots lit up the dust, red lines crisscrossing again and again. It sounded like the fighting was at its thickest here. 

You forced your legs to keep carrying you forward when an explosion rippled through the air like thunder, refusing to be immobilized by your fear (no matter how much you wished you could be!). Your shaky fingers shoved a new canister of blaster gas into your pilfered rifle as you peered around the corner of the closest structure, trying to make sense of the chaotic scene in front of you through the haze of dust and smoke.

Stormtroopers scattered to and fro, their ranks disjointed. You kept to the edge of the square, doing your best to avoid the fray that raged in the center. Not exactly a difficult task, seeing as the only person everyone had it out for was an achingly familiar, deafeningly loud instrument of death clad in highly-reflective armor. 

The Mandalorian had an entire E-web gun in his hands, holding it like some kind of battering ram. How he even managed to lift it was a mystery in and of itself! The stand for it stood nearby, forlorn and empty. The old cantina looked like it had taken the brunt of the assault from the weapon before it had been...commandeered. 

The armored man widened his stance and you were just close enough to hear him scream, "Dha Werda Verda a'den tratu!", his voice raw with fury. The E-web repeater spun up like a gatling gun, chewing through the stormtroopers with a vengeance. The Mandalorian didn't stop shouting in Mando'a, beskar plate sending out spark showers from all the haphazard shots aimed his way. His boots stomped rhythmically against the ground, shoulders squared and head tilted downwards as he swung the gun in a wide semi-circle.

You caught a brief glimpse of Cara in the cantina doorway, her borrowed Bren drum-fed blaster pounding away at the stormtroopers. Over her head was an older man dual-wielding a set of pistols, his deadly accurate shots booming loudly through the automatic rattle. 

You raised your own rifle, settling the stock against your shoulder and carefully leading your targets. If there had been one thing you learned on Sorgan, it was to be cautiously aggressive. You aimed for knees, exploiting the weakest area in the trooper armor to topple them quickly and leave them floundering in the sand.

So thorough was your focus, you nearly missed the man swathed in black. 

His cape billowed out behind him, a void in the sandy chaos. He was clearly a leader of some sort, the way he carried himself and the fact that he moved through the battlefield with no helmet enough to give you pause. You lined your rifle up almost on instinct to take a shot at his unprotected head, flinching when he stopped moving and you lost your bead on him. By the time you had relocated your target, a stormtrooper had posted up alongside him. You swore, about to adjust downwards to deal with the trooper first.

Your attention was snagged on the way by the commander's service blaster raising. You followed the line of his shot with your eyes, realizing where it was headed a second before he fired. 

Your mind scrambled for a solution and you cried, "Aru'e!", though you knew there was no way he could even hear you. Enemy ahead!

You saw the Mandalorian's helmet jerk up at the word and he stopped dead, staring directly at you while the E-web chewed uselessly through a section of masonry off to the left. You could feel it, even through the glossy black of his visor; he heard you, he saw you. He knew you were there. 

His shoulders slumped, defeated. 

"Nari!" You screamed, making a shoving gesture, move! But he didn't. It was like he was rooted in place.

The commander's bolt cracked into the Mandalorian's helmet at close range, the ringing blow staggering the beskar-wearing man instead of dispersing over the armor. 

And as the Mandalorian struggled to turn, slicing a wide and clumsy circle back with the E-web, the commander lowered his blaster to aim for the power supply still attached to the vacant tripod. 

With a simple pull of the trigger the entire tripod exploded forcefully, black shrapnel flying outwards in a deadly haze. You couldn't help your distressed cry as the Mandalorian was pitched violently back from the fiery blast. 

Once he hit the ground, he didn't move. 

Get up, you begged mentally. Please get up. Please don't be dead. Please. Your vision blurred with tears, grief threatening to swallow you whole as he continued to just...lay there, his flight suit smoking slightly. Then…

Then, you gritted your teeth.

"Cara!" You yelled, straining to be heard over the cacophony of gunfire. The woman started visibly, glancing around until her eyes landed on you. "Cover me!" You requested, drawing your old knife.

She tapped her ear and nodded to indicate that she understood. Then, she let out a war whoop, her auto rifle throwing slugs over your head to take out your pursuers. Meanwhile, you took the path of most resistance and least distance. 

Dodge. Jump. Roll. Onto stomach. Back up. Kick shin. Knife, knife, done. Keep moving! 

Several blaster bolts whined by your face, throwing up clouds of sand to your left with a loud pank! You hurriedly raised your shielded arm to protect your head.

Off the barrel. Good! Jump. Knife to the neck. Too close. Behind the crate! Rifle to the head, pull one two, done. Keep moving! 

You weren't sure if you were imagining Cara coaching you through these skirmishes, but you could hear her voice yelling instructions and suggesting movements all the same just like on Sorgan, pick up your fucking feet rookie! 

A stormtrooper's plastoid was made for taking blaster energy. It was not made for the blunt force trauma you inflicted with the spine of your heavy old knife or the stock of the rifle. White shards flew every time you struck, and every strike was a new opening for Cara to take advantage of.

Two shots grazed your shielded arm, distributing over the plastoid with a crackle of wasted effort. You barely noticed, your eyes fixed on the shimmering beskar of the Mandalorian. It gleamed and twinkled in the desert sun like a mirage; the sheer volume of the material alone was worth a king's ransom, but the real prize you were after was the man wearing it. 

I'm going to save you.

Something clipped your side and your stride faltered, the impact making you stumble and almost fall. You didn't have time for pain at that point, shoving it down to deal with later, the adrenaline will hold the pain! Your heated advance had clearly been noted, but now the IG unit was also running interference for you, tipping the odds even further in your favor. You slung your blaster around by its tote strap and gathered yourself for one last burst of speed, your legs burning as you forced yourself to outrun the scattered gunfire trained on you.

I have to make it. 

Skidding to a halt beside the Mandalorian's body, you hurriedly sheathed your knife, dug your fists in beneath his shoulders and ripped him backwards with all your might. His cape aided you in your adrenaline-fueled struggle, ensuring that the edges of his beskar wouldn't catch on the sand. You stayed half-crouched, using his armor as a shield while you slowly, slowly dragged him back to the cantina. 

You hadn't had the time to ruminate on whether he was alive or not, so hellbent to just get him off the battlefield that you almost missed him slamming his gauntlet against his hip like he was chambering a round. 

Flames poured out of the thrower on his forearm, engulfing two troopers that you hadn't spotted on your left. "Thanks!" You gasped.

"W-What are you--" His speech was labored, barely-there. "T-T-old y-y' to st-stay s--afe..."

"As you can see I'm doing great at listening to you!" You nearly lost your grip, straining to move him quicker before screaming in frustrated panic, "Why the fuck do you wear so much fucking armor?!"

"Please--j-just..."

"Be quiet!" You yelled, tears pricking the corners of your eyes.

Cara was suddenly beside you, the shadowy doorway of the cantina a looming sanctuary over your head. The shock trooper grabbed one of the Mandalorian's arms, taking some of his weight to help you haul him deeper into the cantina.

"Stay with me buddy!" Dune encouraged him, "We're gonna' get you out of here!"

"This is our only path out, can you clear it?" That older man asked the IG unit, gesturing frantically at one of the ventilation grates. You recognized his voice from the message you had heard, the one that had sent the Mandalorian into a silent fury, but you were drawing a blank on his name. Karga, possibly?

"Certainly." The droid replied cordially, bending down in front of the indicated grate. A small cutting torch flared to life in its hand and it began what promised to be the somewhat arduous process of searing through the thick grating.

"And you! I don't know what the hell you were thinking, running out there like that!" The older man turned to scold you. "Nobody's worth that loyalty, you hear me?!" He paused, then continued, "aside from...well, maybe one or two people." He stuck his hand out. "Greef Karga, chairman of the Bounty Hunter's Guild on Nevarro."

You clumsily shook the pro-offered hand, still moving the Mandalorian. "Wish we could have met under better circumstances." 

"Too true!" He agreed, shaking his head. "What a mess you made of things, Mando. You and that baby are a menace."

"I'm n-not gonna' make it," the Mandalorian coughed when you and Cara managed to prop him up against a ruined table. "Go-"

"Shut up, you'll be fine! You just got your bell...rung." Dune's sure tone faded and when you looked over, you realized her hand was brick red with blood from where she had cupped the back of his neck. Glancing down, you found out to your horror that your own palms were liberally streaked with the substance as well. Fear raked its claws down your spine and you saw your hands start to tremble even harder.

"Leave m-e." The armored man pleaded, his voice rasping.

"I'm gonna' need to take this thing off." Cara reached urgently for the side of his helmet.

His gauntlet slammed shut on her wrist, hard enough that she winced visibly. "No. Y' leave me. Y' make sure the child is safe." He fumbled at his neck, tearing loose a small pendant that was shaped like the skull of a strange beast. "H-Here. When you get to the Mandalorian covert, you show them th--at."

Your confusion was probably plastered on your face (Mandalorian covert?), but Cara nodded like she understood. 

"You tell 'em…" He paused, wheezing stridor rattling loudly in his chest. "Y' tell 'em it's fr-from...D-Din Djarin..." His name, his name. You felt sick with the realization, your eyes going wide in shock. "You tell 'em the Foundling was in my pr-protection, and they'll help you." He instructed, pressing the pendant into your hand.

"We can make it." Cara assured him, glancing worriedly at you for confirmation. 

You were already moving to haul his arm up over your shoulder again. "C'mon, let's go!" You encouraged, his dead weight dragging hard at your back.

"I'm not gonna' m-ake it, n' you know it." The Mandalorian wheezed. His hand covered your own, rolling your fingers into a fist around the pendant. 

Flames abruptly poured through the cantina door, forcing both you and Cara to duck down against the armored man. When you raised your head again, the cantina was ablaze. "They're trying to burn us out, Imp fucks!" Cara snarled, her hand clenching down on one of the Mandalorian's pauldrons. "Can't that droid cut through the grate any faster?!" She shouted at Karga.

"You're more than welcome to assist it, with the torch that you don't have!" Greef retorted.

"Y' protect the child. I can h-hold them back long enough to help you escape," the Mandalorian panted. "Let me die a w--arrior's death." 

"We're not leaving you!" Cara insisted.

You echoed her sentiment softer, pushing your forehead against his. "Can you see me?" You whispered, staring through his visor.

"Y-Yeah." He gasped after a momentary pause. 

"I'm not leaving you alone in the dark." You heard his breath hitch with a sob and you bit your lip, quelling your own tears. "I'm right here with you." You drew your thumb down your chest, and then tapped your chin. I promise. "I'm here."

A second gout of fire roared into the cantina, nearer this time. Bottles of liquor began to explode nearby from the heat, various amber browns and neon blue spotchka feeding the flames. "Why won't y'...you're going t'...p-lease-"

"I said, I'm with you." You shook your head, trying vainly to imbue your next words with some sort of apologetic tone, "this is the Way."

"This i-is the W-ay." He echoed brokenly. His hand grasped at your arm, clinging for dear life despite imploring you to leave.

There was the sharp clatter of durasteel. You heard Cara start swearing a blue streak, which prompted you to glance behind you. The horrifying sight of a flame trooper was what met your eyes, the stripes on their armor turned blood red in the smokey haze of the cantina. They leveled their flamethrower and you realized that the child, the child was between you and the stormtrooper. 

You lunged for them just as the trooper pressed down on the trigger, knowing in your mind that there was no plausible way you would be able to save them. Hell, even yourself, or Cara, or the Mandalorian. You were all in the blast zone. 

It was futile. But you still moved. 

Your hands outstretched to pick up the child. The heat alone stole your breath. Maybe you could toss them, get them out of harm's way--

The flamethrower blast roiled and seethed forward, but then...it just stopped in midair. Hovering, a massive fireball, a miniature sun. When you saw the child's arms extended out in front of it, somehow you knew that they were what held it at bay.

Their tiny hand made a gesture, a simple motion of the wrist and the fireball soared backwards, engulfing the unsuspecting flametrooper. With a blast of backdraft, the trooper's fuel tank exploded and rocketed the body back out through the cantina door.

The child sat down heavily, then slumped to the side, their eyes rolling shut.

A loud clang echoed through the boiling room. It appeared that the IG unit had managed to get through the grate, the robot finally kicking it out of the way. 

"We're through! Come on, let's go!" Karga urged.

IG-11 clattered forwards over the flaming debris, carefully scooping up the child's limp form before you could shake off your shock. "Escape and protect the child. I will administer aid to the Mandalorian, and they shall assist me." The IG unit instructed calmly, metal pincers safely depositing the unconscious baby in Cara's waiting arms.

You tugged free the piece of fabric she appeared to have been using to cover her tattoo, rushing to tie it around your head. "Keep them safe, please." You implored her, running a hand over the unconscious child's head. You tucked the Mandalorian's pendant into their robes as an afterthought.

Cara's eyes went steely and she leaned in, forehead hitting yours as she demanded in her best trooper voice, "promise me you'll bring him. Drag him if you have to."

"You have my word." The IG unit answered for the both of you. You nodded in agreement, watching Cara and Greef flee through the destroyed grate before you pulled the cloth down over your eyes. Effectively blinded, you knelt in the sand and groped forward until you found the beskar-wearing man's arm.

"Y' have to go." The Mandalorian begged desperately, weakly shoving at your chest in an attempt to push you towards the grate. "P-lease…"

"We must remove his helmet if we are to save him." IG-11 stated.

You heard the sound of a blaster priming. "Try it n' I'll kill you. Blow your goddamn neural harness to Endor. I-It is. Forbidden." The armored man seethed through his teeth. "No living thing has seen me without this helmet si-since I--" He had to stop, a wet cough interrupting his speech. "-since I swore the Cr--eed."

"I am not a living thing." The robot pointed out pragmatically. "And they have covered their eyes. Out of respect for your traditions, I hypothesize." 

"We need to take care of you. Please." You found the hand that held the blaster and you wrapped your shaking fingers around it tightly. Now that your audience was gone the panic surged through your body, threatening to send you into hysterics at any moment while you clung to the last shreds of your composure. "Please." You begged frantically. I don't want you to die. "The kid needs you." 

I need you. I love you. I'm so sorry.

You felt him yield at the same time that you heard IG-11 move, the reformed bounty droid tugging at the beskar helmet. "I require assistance." It stated after a momentary struggle. "The surface is deceptively smooth."

You ran your hands over the Mandalorian's arm, working your way up to the base of his neck and resting just beneath the edge of his helm. You knew you were running out of time. Even now the flames grew hotter and hotter on your back, the air around you becoming unbearable with smoke. "Here, put your fingers on the edges instead. I can't actually be the one to take it off, so hold it like this."

You guided IG's less-certain metal claws to a better spot to grab, making sure that it wouldn't slip. The Mandalorian's shoulders tensed weakly, like he was waiting to be attacked. 

With a firm tug and that muffled hiss of air, the helmet came off. In the moment, it was no thing of gravitas. Clinical need overrode even the Creed he kept so close to his heart and here you were, blind and all business while you fended off your terror. 

He reached up shakily to brush his knuckles against the cloth you had covered your eyes with, a silent admission of trust. "You cryin'?" His voice still sounded so foreign without the modulator, husky but clear, soft. 

"Don't worry about that right now." You moved on autopilot to support the back of his head, grimacing when you felt your fingers card through matted hair and immediately grow slick with blood. "Maker, okay, alright." You muttered, nausea making your stomach pitch as you gingerly maneuvered his head to the side so IG-11 could perform whatever interventions it had in mind.

"Can't really feel my legs." The man admitted hoarsely. "Fingers are...tingling. What I can feel hurts like a--h-ah, dammit." He struggled to inhale, another wet cough choking him.

There was a soft ping. "This is a bacta spray. It will heal you in a matter of hours." IG-11 informed him.

You felt the armored man flinch when the bacta hit the open wound on the side of his head, hissing in a breath through his teeth.

"You have suffered damage to your central processing unit." The IG said bluntly.

"You...mean my brain." The Mandalorian murmured slowly after a beat. 

"That was a joke. It is meant to put you at ease." 

In spite of the peril that loomed, you were thrilled to hear a pained snort of amusement. Leather-clad fingers twined with your own. "Helmet." He pleaded. 

"Can we put his helmet back on? Are we all set?" You asked IG-11, squeezing the Mandalorian's hand in an attempt to comfort him.

"Better to do so. These open flames will not aid in the bacta absorption or ease of respiration." The robot replied. 

You felt around for the helm, burning your fingertips on the contoured surface before you managed to get it over the Mandalorian's face once again. You were startled when he clumsily cupped your jaw and pressed his helm to the cloth that covered your eyes. "I could kiss you, little mudhorn." He rasped through his modulator, clearly delirious on a combination of pain and strong drugs. 

"I would advise that you attempt such activities at a later time." The IG unit intoned. 

The Mandalorian then allowed you and the bounty droid to haul him upright, his fingers fighting with the cloth over your eyes before you helped him shove it up out of the way. His heated armor seared at your skin even through your clothes, but the pain was a background worry compared to your relief. 

He was alive. Staggering, stumbling, most of his weight resting on either you or the spindly droid, but alive. 

As you made your way through the tunnels beneath the city, his steps became more sure. "Damn, that bacta's got some kick to it." He remarked, shaking his head and rolling his shoulders out. "Hits like a blurrg to the gut."

"I would advise against strenuous activities while you heal." The droid droned.

"I'd love to oblige you," The Mandalorian retorted sarcastically, "but I don't think I'll have the luxury." His hand rested on the top of your head, fingers buried in your hair. 

When you finally caught up with Cara and Greef, the former soldier met the three of you with a grin of relief. "They'll have to try harder than that to keep you down!" She crowed, thumping a fist into the Mandalorian's shoulder.

The Mandalorian's response was a wry, "I'd rather they didn't." 

...

Now reunited, the group of you traversed ahead. Despite being a little turned around, the Mandalorian quickly latched onto the correct path to the aforementioned covert. Progress grew more expedient as his body absorbed the bacta properly, the hunter soon able to walk unaided. 

Your rushed exodus came to an abrupt halt, however, when you stumbled upon a pile of beskar armor. 

The Mandalorian stopped dead in his tracks, and then sank to one knee. Shaking hands reached out and plucked a helmet from the pile, his thumb rubbing against the black sharding left over from where the visor had shattered.

Everyone huddled together in silence, not really wanting to interrupt the clearly-grieving man, but knowing too well that the Imperials would be overrunning the tunnels shortly.

"We should go." Cara finally murmured. You put a gentle hand on his shoulder between his cowling and pauldron, squeezing to let him know that you were there.

"You go. Take the ship." The armored man replied brokenly. "I...I can't leave it this way." You felt his shoulder tense up under your touch and you instinctively braced for impact. "Did you know about this?" He breathed, the inquiry directed at Karga. "Is this the work of your bounty hunters?" The title sounded like a curse, dripping with hatred.

"Of course not!" Greef protested. "When you left the system and took the prize, the fighting ended. The hunters just...melted away. You know how it is. They're mercenaries, not zealots!"

"Did you do this?!" The Mandalorian raged, shaking your hand off as he lunged upright and turned on the Guild leader. "Did you?!" 

"It was not his fault." said a stern female voice. Another Mandalorian emerged from a side tunnel, her majestic bronze helm adorned with small horn-like protrusions. She wore a cuirass beneath her armor that had a luxurious pelt around the neck (possibly nexu?), giving her the illusion of sporting a thick mane. 

You did your best not to gawk, though you had the feeling you were unsuccessful. She carried herself almost like Cara, but more refined, almost regal.

"We revealed ourselves. We knew what would happen if we left the covert." Leather-gloved hands reached into the pile and reverently picked up a breastplate, which she proceeded to deposit onto an already-loaded hoverskiff. "The Imperials arrived shortly thereafter." She gestured down at the armor. "This...is what resulted." Her voice was soft with grief.

"Did any survive?" The Mandalorian rasped desperately.

"I hope so. Some may have escaped off-world."

The Mandalorian looked down at the pile and then jerked his helmet back up. "Come with us." He implored.

"No." She replied disdainfully, almost as if she was scolding him for even daring to suggest such a thing. "I will not abandon this place until I have salvaged what remains." She then turned on her heel, beckoning for the group to follow her into the side room. 

As the others trailed along behind her, you dallied just outside the doorway. With a hand pressed to your side, you took a shaky inhale. It was beginning to hurt to breathe, but only just. Like the adrenaline was dulling the pain. You didn't want to actually look at the wound for fear that it was worse than you thought, so you carefully shifted your cloak to hang over your side. 

There. Out of sight, out of mind.

Part Nine

[undertheinfluencerd]

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In stories about growing up for audiences who are growing up themselves, a strong main character is a necessity. Coming-of-age stories have been around for centuries and have always been popular in cinema, from the days of James Dean to the modern world of Netflix originals.

Related: 10 Of The Best Coming Of Age Movies Everyone Needs To See

While there are many elements of coming-of-age movies that work together to create one timeless tale, such as the soundtrack and shooting locations, the key is a lead protagonist with whom the viewer can wholly identify and empathize. Over the years, there have been some truly impressive young actors who nailed this brief and delivered performances that will forever stand out in their careers.

10 Nick Robinson – The Kings Of Summer (2013)

In a modern coming-of-age tale for fans of Stand By Me (1986), Nick Robinson stars as Joe, a teenager frustrated with his father’s micromanagement. To escape his smothering suburban life, he invites his best friend and an unusual new acquaintance to build a house in the woods and live off the land.

With humor as this movie’s crowning glory alongside breathtaking shots of the Midwest, Robinson demonstrates his acting range in an impressive feature film debut. He manages to effortlessly keep up with comedic veterans like Nick Offerman and Marc Evan Jackson but also demonstrates control and solemnity in the movie’s tenser moments.

9 Thomas Mann – Me And Earl And The Dying Girl (2015)

Greg is an unusual choice for a story’s main character, and Thomas Mann captures his socially awkward nature but chameleon-like behavior effortlessly. Although Greg has made it his mission to “remain on low-key good terms” with every student in school, he struggles to see outside of himself until he becomes friends with terminally ill Rachel (Olivia Cooke).

Related: 10 Best Coming Of Age Comedy Dramas Like Juno

Greg’s development is displayed with as much poise as such a gauche character can be afforded, from seeming emotionally blank to succumbing to grief in Rachel’s room. Opposite Nick Offerman and other great talents in Me And Earl And The Dying Girl, Mann’s comedic delivery, both verbal and physical, is truly something to behold and never wanes.

8 Elliot Page – Juno (2007)

Juno is the blueprint for American Independent cinema, primarily for its Oscar-winning script and unconventional story of teen pregnancy. With a host of celebrated actors surrounding them, Elliot Page shines in what is arguably their most memorable and beloved role.

The offbeat comedy and sarcastic quips of Juno is one for the textbooks, and Elliot carries it with ease from start to finish; the odd vocabulary tossed around rolls as effortlessly as standard English off their tongue. They may appear unimposing in stature, but they dominate every scene with wit and hilarious delivery to make not only an unforgettable movie but a memorable main character.

7 Patrick Fugit – Almost Famous (2000)

Aspiring writer William is something of a wallflower amongst the larger-than-life personalities of the band Stillwater and transfixing roadie Penny Lane (Kate Hudson), but he manages to hold his own and becomes somebody on whom they can all rely. Similarly, Patrick Fugit could have shrunk next to the more experienced actors beside him, but he triumphs.

The fresh-faced actor brings shining optimism and gentleness to a story of wild parties and volatile emotions. He captures William’s level-headed nature and wisdom beyond his years while still exuding the excitement of a newcomer to the rock and roll scene, perfectly balancing youth and innocence with shrewdness and morality.

6 Dustin Hoffman – The Graduate (1967)

A timeless tale of disillusionment in the face of change, The Graduate is fondly remembered for its incredible soundtrack from Simon and Garfunkel and the iconic affair with Mrs. Robinson (Anne Bancroft). Besides that, in a career-launching role, Dustin Hoffman proves his mettle as a force to be reckoned with onscreen.

Despite having an affair with a much older woman (and later falling for her daughter), Benjamin is a graceless and self-conscious leading man, and Nichols cast Hoffman with the belief that he had the perfect demeanor for the role. Between his personality and superb acting ability, Hoffman pulls off a memorable performance and is one of the main reasons why The Graduate has become a classic to stand the test of time.

5 Miles Teller – The Spectacular Now (2013)

To bring to life hard-partying Sutter from Tim Tharp’s novel of the same name, the correct actor was called upon. Miles Teller oozes charm in this role and makes it easy to understand how Sutter has made it through life without a thought for the future since everything comes easily to him at the moment.

Besides being the life of the party and effortlessly sweet, Sutter is a young alcoholic who, below the surface, realizes that he is sabotaging his future, and Teller does a marvelous job of exploring this side to the endearing protagonist. The serious self-deprecation that follows reuniting with his absent father, who is a vision of Sutter’s own future, is relayed masterfully and leaves the audience in awe of his performance.

4 Saoirse Ronan – Lady Bird (2017)

Star Saoirse Ronan had a number of stellar movies under her belt before Greta Gerwig’s Lady Bird, with her first Oscar nomination at the age of thirteen only the beginning of an illustrious career. Her range sets her apart from other young actresses in the game, spanning from sci-fi to period drama to raw, coming-of-age movies such as this.

The main character of this tale is anything but meek. Ronan is strong-willed and assured in the role and explores the everyday highs and lows of growing up while cultivating believable onscreen relationships in a way that can place any viewer right alongside her in Sacramento, which feels more like home the longer that you watch her senior year progressing.

3 Greta Gerwig – Frances Ha (2012)

A coming-of-age movie for people who are already of age, Frances Ha chronicles a woman’s journey into adulthood as, while she has technically grown up, it is clear that she’s “not a real person yet”. While most movies of the genre take place in high school, this one takes place in New York as Frances struggles to realize her dream as a dancer, maintain her relationships, and generally get by as a functioning adult.

Related: Greta Gerwig’s 10 Best Movies (According To IMDB)

In another collaboration between Noah Baumbach and Greta Gerwig, the leading lady fits this character like a glove and harnesses the youthful spirit of teenage coming-of-age movies to prove that growing up doesn’t stop when you leave high school. It is an honest depiction of young adult life in that, really, nobody knows what they are doing.

2 Timothée Chalamet – Call Me By Your Name (2017)

In one of his best movies Call Me By Your Name, Timothée Chalamet stars as young Elio in a story of young love in 1980s Italy. He is both charming and bashful, causing the viewer to fall in love with him even faster than Oliver does, and he manages to convey so much heart and recognizable pain that the extent of his acting ability is never in question.

While Chalamet brilliantly inspires empathy for Elio’s confusion and inner turmoil throughout his relationship with Oliver, his final performance during the credits is a masterclass in understated yet powerful acting, as we watch the cycle of Elio’s heartbreak and are left reeling from his final, heart-rending glance directly into the camera.

1 Logan Lerman – The Perks Of Being A Wallflower (2012)

At only 20 years old, Logan Lerman delivers one of the most honest and moving portrayals of adolescence in modern-day cinema. For an actor who has had widely varying roles, such as a heroic demigod and a plucky rancher’s son, an introverted character like Charlie could have been difficult to embody, but Lerman does so with an awe-inspiring grace.

Lerman’s presentations of depression and trauma are never extravagant; his performance is highly effective using mostly subtle speech and action. He beautifully showcases Charlie’s innocence and love for his friends and keeps a powerful persona waiting behind a meek exterior to offer one of the greatest portrayals of a coming-of-age character that cinema has seen.

Next: 10 Movies To Watch If You Loved The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

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Inner Turmoil - Chapter 4

Chapter 4 - Unspeakable Plans Come Alight

FFN | AO3

                                ~Two Weeks Earlier~

“Sasuke…” Orochimaru hissed. “I hear your little blossom has become quite the kunoichi. Rumors say she rivals even the power of the great Tsunade.” He clicked his tongue thoughtfully.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at the snake shinobi. “What about it? And she’s not my little blossom.” The raven hair man sneered.

Orochimaru chuckled softly. “The girl was willing to betray the village with you, perhaps you should consider her to be more of an asset, rather than an annoyance.” 

Sasuke continued to stare blankly at his current sensei, though he still refused to call him that. What could this man possibly want with Sakura? She was practically useless, and he had no wish to return to the Leaf village anytime soon. He had yet to kill Itachi, and he would not even begin to think of going back until then.

“And just how could some girl who cared more about her hair than being a proper ninja be an asset to me, Orochimaru?” 

Orochimaru watched the cold man before him. “She could be useful if she still harbors feelings for you. And it would seem she no longer cares for her hair. Did you not hear me the first time?” Orochimaru snapped. “She has incredible abilities she learned from Tsunade Senju, the fifth hokage and my old team mate.” He licked his lips. “I wonder if her medical abilities could fix these wretched arms, and then perhaps I wouldn’t need your pretty little face.” 

Sasuke glared at him in disgust. “That’s doubtful. I’ve already told you, I don’t care about my body as long as I get to kill Itachi and get my revenge.” He spat.

Orochimaru chuckled darkly. “But what if you could rebuild the Uchiha clan to its former glory? Lure that little apprentice into a trap. I bet with the right motivation, she would come running back to you.”

Sasuke thought for a moment, remembering the pride he used to feel for his clan. Really his need for revenge is based a little bit on pride, isn’t it? Not just the pain of watching his whole clan assassinated. And really, what good was revenge if you didn’t get to live with the accomplishment of getting it.

“What are your thoughts?” He sighed.

“We will kidnap that little Yamanaka girl,I have intel that tells me they are best friends. And she’s also an heir to one of the key clans in the village. I’m sure you’re aware of their mind control jutsus. Two birds with one stone, eh?”

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. “And just how do you plan to get into the village and kidnap her?”

“That will be your job.”

Sasuke looked at him again. “Is this just another test of my strength?” He growled.

Orochimaru grinned. “Oh, Sasuke, are you scared that you can’t get past them? Or maybe it’s Naruto you’re worried about.”

“I don’t care about Naruto. Or Sakura, or Kakashi. Not a single soul in that village matters to me more than my goal.” He said in a low tone. “I came to you for power, not to play your little games.”

The snake ninja shook his head. “Power comes in numbers. And what can I truly teach you when I can’t use my hands to teach you jutsu and hand signs?” He chuckled once more. “Besides, that little Haruno would make wonderful prodigies with your blood added into the mix. Tsunade’s strengths and healing abilities with your sharingan? It would be despicable power.” 

“You’re forgetting she tried to kill me.” He spat. “I’m pretty sure she’s lost interest.”

“Did she not hesitate in killing you?” Orochimaru inquired. “Love doesn’t die easy, especially in women. I almost had Tsunade in my grip at the thought of bringing back her deceased husband.”

Sasuke hated how he always seemed to have a new project, a new game, a new goal all the time. It seemed he only cared to prep him for the body transfer, as opposed to keeping his end of the deal, and he was about at his wit’s end with it. However, the thought of reviving his clan was something of interest. It hadn’t come to mind that he should continue his bloodline before the snake took over his body.

“What makes you think Sakura can fix your arms when Tsunade couldn’t?”

Orochimaru clicked his tongue in thought once again. “It was never found out if she could not, it was that she wouldn’t even try.”

Sasuke scoffed. “So let me get this straight. You want to kidnap the blonde annoyance, to lure think pink annoyance. Use me to entice her to come with us and then make her heal your arms?” 

Orochimari just smirked and licked his lips slowly. “That’s exactly my plan.”

                                     ~Present Time~

“Wherever you are, Sasuke, she’s moved on. Odd how she is attracted to the ones that are traumatized. Is it because she’s medic? Is there some kind of pull in the universe?” The once obnoxious and weak blonde shook his head. “No matter, at least Kakashi was willing to try…” 

Sasuke narrowed his eyes as Naruto looked in the direction of the woods where he stood, unaware the raven was actually there and hearing him. “We will still find you and we will bring you home one day.”

Sasuke was shocked to say the least. “Kakashi and Sakura…? That’s a bit… Weird?” He commented to no one but himself. He had to see this for himself, surely it had to be some sick joke. But why in the hell would Naruto sit out talking to the damn forest with some stupid sincerity towards me if it wasn’t real? 

Does the idiot do it often? Just stand on the damn wall and talk to the trees, as if he was talking to me? Has he cried his heart out with the pain of my departure? How pathetic, better to have spent that time training instead of pining after some astray team mate. No wonder he’s still a damned genin.

He made the hand signs to form a henge and approached the village entrance, feigning to be a traveler in need of shelter for the night. Just like he thought, they fell for it. He wandered through the village aimlessly, feeling out for any familiar chakra signatures. He’d run into Team Seven enough times over the years to still recognize their chakras.

He caught wind of Sakura and Kakashi’s chakra coming from one of the bars. He went into the Shuriken, vaguely remembering that many jounin liked this particular bar. And that when he saw it. 

Sakura was sitting awful close to Kakashi, their sides touching and Kakashi’s arm around her waist, his hand on her hip. Clearly they had gotten cozy. An unwelcome feeling of jealousy formed within him. How could she move on, claiming to have loved him? Why did he care that she moved on, didn’t he just claim he had no use for such a useless girl? 

He also saw Ino, sitting all cozy with Choji, which was a little surprising. Talk about a downgrade, Sasuke thought to himself. However, that feeling of possessiveness didn’t flow in his veins at the sight of Ino with someone else.

He moved closer wanting to hear what was being said. 

“Regardless, if he had laid a finger on you that night, I wouldn’t have given a damn about him being a civilian. Neither should you when you’re about to be assaulted. Granted you could barely walk 10 minutes later, your chakra control was probably already affected by then.”

“For being around Tsunade so much, you’d think she would handle her liquor better…” 

“Shame, you were an awful cute drunk.”

“Oh, Sai? Naruto and him get along great now. But he is still amused by antagonizing Naruto from time to time.”

Sasuke scowled at the conversation. Hearing Kakashi refer to her as being a cute drunk was fucking weird. What was he, fourteen years older than us? And he went after Sakura?

Odd how she is attracted to the ones that are traumatized…

Naruto’s words echoed in his mind, angered once again by the idea that she actually could have pursued Kakashi herself. What could have possibly gone wrong to suddenly make her have some change of heart and not love him anymore? They had counted on that very expectation that she was still infatuated with me, in order to get her to us. Now, what the hell are they going to do? Damnit. 

He continued watching them, his blood boiling as he watched Sakura whisper in his ear. Annoyed that Sakura and Ino seemed restless, looking around the bar but not quite pinpointing the cause of their distress. Were they really strong enough to sense an unwanted presence now? He had still been doubtful that Sakura had become a formidable shinobi, but now it seemed that it may be true, as she scanned the room with a nervous look in her eyes. 

She knew she was being watched, but she couldn’t tell by who. He smirked. He was still superior to her, of course he was. 

As he heard them begin to leave, warning of keeping Ino and Sakura under protection and other bullshit of the like, Sasuke felt the plan wasn’t totally screwed. It was obvious Ino and Sakura were close. Perhaps he could still kidnap Ino and she could just be held for ransom. He kidnaps her, and in exchange for her safety, Sakura has to come with him to Orochimaru. That could work, Sakura is probably some self sacrificing ninja now if she’s a medic. 

He decided to follow Kakashi and Sakura as they walked to his apartment, not even shocking to Sasuke it was the same one he had seven years ago. He perched on a roof and watched as she changed into Kakashi’s clothes. Taking notice of the more athletic build her body had now and even some scars, as opposed to the girlish, untouched skin in his memory. He watched as she laid in Kakashi's bed and he lay behind her and held her close to him, like he actually had something to lose again. 

“Awe, the Copy Nin finally let some emotions out, has he?” He chuckled darkly. “What will you do when she comes running back into my arms, Sensei?” 

And that when he sensed it. He had been careless, and now he had been spotted. He stared back at Kakashi lazily, uncaring. His former sensei’s gaze had been hard and he looked ready to kill as he brought his arms around Sakura even tighter.

“Tell the blossom I said hello, Sensei.” Sasuke smirked before disappearing into the darkness. 

Kakashi stiffened, having been staring out his window when he spotted the form on the room facing the direction of his apartment, and upon closer inspection, realized there were red eyes looking at them. Despite the obvious henge, that’s when he knew she and Ino were both being watched, and that it had to be far from good. Only two people that possessed those eyes were alive, and he was pretty sure the elder of the two had no interest in Sakura. His arms tightened around Sakura, now certain he wouldn’t be sleeping tonight.

He laid awake all night, trying to figure what to say to Sakura. He had to tell her, she had to be on her guard. He didn’t want her to leave his sight, but he already knew she wouldn’t stand to be stuck in the house or to not go to work. 

Then there was that tiny piece of that still feared that she still had feelings for Sasuke, that she would drop him in an instant. No matter how much he knew she was serious about him, especially after the talk with Tsunade, there was still part of him that couldn’t let go of that fear of losing her. 

And most importantly out of all this. Why was Sasuke here? Why was he lurking in the bar and watching them in his apartment? It just didn’t seem right. What was his motive? And why didn’t he notice his chakra signature? Had he slacked and let his guard down, being so happy around Sakura? Well it won’t be such anymore.

How would Naruto react to this situation? He still swears to bring Sasuke back. Will they fight again? That went rough for both of them last time that happened.

He stared up at the ceiling, contemplating what he would do. He needed to tell Naruto as soon as possible as well. As well as Tsunade, Choji, Asuma and Ino who should know this information as well. He couldn’t believe how easily Sasuke had gotten into the village, how was he not noticed? Even with the henge, the guards should have been able to see through that… Unless he used genjutsu on them. Kakashi sighed heavily

He looked over at Sakura, her pink tresses covering his pillows, her smaller form clinging to his side. The sun was beginning to come up and she would have to get up for work soon. He ran his fingers through her hair before kissing her forehead softly. “Sakura…” He said softly. 

He would protect her no matter what. He’d die before he let something happen to her. It was the cold hard truth. No one had meant this much to him before and he wasn’t going to lose her. 

“Sakura…” He called out a little louder and she groaned. “You need to get up for work.” He chuckled softly, her unwillingness to get up somehow making his heart squeeze.

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” She grumbled before opening her eyes and rubbing them. She huffed a strand of her hair out of her face before sitting up. “Last night was still weird.”

He nodded and sighed. “Yeah, about that. We need to talk to Tsunade and make sure there is extra guard around the hospital for yours and Ino’s safety. And no missions.” 

Sakura frowned at his last statement but nodded solemnly. “It’s not like I’d been going on missions recently anyway…” She shrugged, seeming only slightly bothered.

“You’re not only our team’s medic, but one of the best medics in the village. We can’t afford to lose you because you’re stubborn.” He chuckled and kissed her cheek. “Now come on, before the gambling Hokage comes here looking for you.” 

Sakura smiled softly and hugged him tight before getting up and retrieving her clothes. She took a look at them and scowled. “This dress is a far cry from professional wear…” 

Kakashi slid out of bed. “I was well aware, I woke you up with enough time for us to go back to your place and get your normal clothing.”

He watched as she turned to look at the clock for the first time and her shoulders sagged. He quickly got ready and walked besides her. “Did you sleep okay? You look a little…” He wasn’t sure how to finish that without being hurtful.

She just shook her head silently before leaning into him. “Let’s just go. I need a shower.” He simply nodded in response, not quite sure how to comfort her.

Once he had dropped her off at the hospital for her shift, he went straight to the Hokage tower. He knocked on the door lightly and was surprised to hear an awake and sober voice come through the wood.

“Come in.”

He stepped inside. “We have an emergency and we will need to summon Naruto.” 

Tsunade instantly frowned before pointing at the ceiling. “Well that part is done, now what is the danger?”

Naruto dropped down from the ceiling, instantly sensing the killing distress coming off his team captain. “Kakashi, what’s the matter?” He asked seriously.

Kakashi looked at Naruto, not sure how to say the news other than getting straight to the point. “Sasuke was in the village last night. I don’t know how he got past the guards, but Ino and Sakura felt like they were being watched towards the end of the night last night.” He scowled at the memories. “Sakura barely slept. Just as she had fallen asleep, I spotted him in a henge sitting on a rooftop watching us. I was only able to tell it was him because he had his sharingan activated.”

“And you did nothing!” Tsunade stood up from her desk and yelled.

Naruto shook his head. “No.” He faced Tsunade. “What was he supposed to do? Wake Sakura and risk her panicking?” 

The tension in her body dissipated. “Does she know?” She asked.

Kakashi shook his head. “I couldn’t figure out how to tell her. She hadn’t slept good and didn’t feel well. She still felt wary and I didn’t want to tell her such news before she had to go into work.”

“We need to put ANBU all around the hospital.” Naruto said instantly. “And we need to tell Team 10 and Sakura somehow.”

Kakashi nodded in agreement. “That’s exactly why I’m here.”

“I am going to send them immediately.” Tsunade said fiercely. “Whatever is going on, it’s probably connected to Orochi-”

“Lady Tsunade!” Choji came barging into the office, Shikamaru and Asuma trailing behind him.

“Choji, you can’t just walk-”

“Asuma, he’s fine.” Tsunade assured, noticing the distress in the young man’s expression. “What is it?”

“Ino is gone! We can’t find her anywhere!” 

“What!” Naruto exclaimed.

“Damnit, it wasn’t soon enough!” Kakashi cursed.

“What is happening? What do you mean ‘not soon enough’, Kakashi?” Shikamaru raised an eyebrow.

Tsunade cursed under her breath. “Shizune, get Sakura here immediately!” She walked around her desk and leaned on the front of it, her eyebrows deeply furrowed. “When did you see her last?”

“I fell asleep on her couch last night after Asuma and I walked her home from the bar.” Choji was still frantic. “I woke up to her mother panicking that she was gone.” Choji’s bottom lip was trembling. “I was supposed to protect her.”

Asuma grabbed his shoulder. “Choji, it is not your fault.”

Kakashi shook his head. “It’s not. None of us sensed him last night.”

Asuma frowned. “Who..?”

Sakura walked into her office and ran a hand through her locks, letting out a heavy sigh. She set her patient charts on her desk and went over to start a cup of coffee. 

She still felt that feeling of being watched. She still couldn’t find anything that seemed out of the ordinary and it was getting on her last nerve. She hated this restless feeling. She sank down in her chair and flipped through the charts. Everything was minor meaning there was nothing that would require her full attention to distract her.

She tried to think about being in Kakashi’s arms, how safe it had felt to be in his embrace. She wished she could have just stayed there with him but she knew that was impossible. However despite that, she still hadn’t slept well at all. She had one of the recurring nightmares about the sharingan again. They had lessened ever since those months where Kakashi let her gaze into his own sharingan, in hopes that it would get her used to it again. It took weeks for her to not shed tears but he would always comfort and not let her push herself.

She hadn’t had those nightmares for months, almost a year now. She’s been healing his eye with no trepidation at all for so long, she had nearly forgotten this nightmare. It hadn’t bothered as much as it did so long ago, but it just didn’t make sense that it showed up again now, as things in her life were going really well.

And then she felt a chill run down her spine before she sensed a presence.

“Sakura…”

She knew that cold, plaintive tone like no other. She froze in place, wondering why he was here. How did he get into the village? Into the hospital and her office? Was he the one watching her since last night?

She turned to look at him, meeting onyx eyes.

“S-Sasuke..?” She stammered before standing back up from her chair, gathering chakra within herself. “What are you doing here?”

He smirked. “Come with me to Orochimaru.”

“What?” She sputtered in disbelief. Did he really just say that? “Hell, no!” She backed away from him. “I will not betray this village like you did!”

“Come on, Sakura. Can you imagine the strength you would have at being trained by not one, but two of the legendary Sannin?” He smirked and took a step closer. “And you’ll get to be with me. We could have a family. We’ll be together, like you’ve always wanted.”

Sakura stared at him in shock. “What did you just say?”

“Come with me. Orochimaru needs your healing ability, and I want to carry on my clan.” Sasuke said, his patience wavering. Why was she just standing there, looking at him?

“You think I’m going to help him?” She spat angrily. “I am not some naive, lovesick little genin anymore!” She growled. “Get away from me! You made you choice when we were 13 when you left me on a fucking bench, you prick!” 

Sasuke’s eyes widened at her words, but gave no response.

“You tried to kill me, twice.” She took a step forward. “And now you’re in my office claiming you want me to bear your children, as if that’s all I’m good for? At least Orochimaru recognized medical abilities!” 

Sasuke flashed towards, not standing inches from her face. “So, it’s true then.” He stated harshly. “You really did whore yourself didn’t you? What, were you not strong enough to make jonin? I knew he was a creep but I never thought he liked little children.” He laughed and shoved her. “I knew it was bullshit that you could have surpassed Tsunade.”

Sakura glared at him fiercely. “What the hell are you on about, now? Have you finally lost your mind?”

“Oh, no. I just never thought you’d stop loving me with all your little protests to be with me, let alone sink low enough to fuck our old sensei to make rank.”

Sakura’s jaw dropped. “How could you…” Her eyes darkened with her anger at the insult. “I was already jonin during the war, far before me and Kakashi had ever become involved. How do you even know about that?” She spat, summoning chakra to her fists and swinging for his jaw. He easily dodged her attack and it was only more infuriating.

Sasuke slapped her. “Look at you. You’re still just a weak little girl. You claim loyalty but you couldn’t even hang on for me! You were supposedly going to be saving grace, or was that some lie Naruto spat back then too!”

Sakura yelped in pain and stared up at him dumbfounded. “I’ll be damned if I spent my life waiting for you to find your team to suddenly be more important than your sick and twisted need for revenge! You showed us time and time again that you didn’t care, so why now! Why are you here!”

Sasuke glared at her, ignoring her question. “You will come to Orochimaru, one way or another. I could care less if you bear my children or not. I wouldn’t want them tainted with your lack of emotional control anyways. If you gave up on me then you never really did love me, anyways. Not that it matters at all.”

“Are you actually jealous?” She stared at him before laughing. “You couldn’t give me the time of day, but now that I moved on, you want me?” She shook her head sadly. “You’re too late. I love Kakashi, and I have for longer than I could even know myself.”

Sasuke’s eye twitched. He grabbed her up by her throat, activating his sharingan and catching her eyes before she could react. “You really think that another broken man is capable of love, let alone how disgusting it is for a student and sensei to be involved romantically? He’s kept everyone he’s ever known out of reach since the death of Fourth, you’re no different. He was probably just horny and you’re vulnerable.” 

Sakura trembled and tried to shut her eyes but she reacted too late, her eyes caught in the swirls of red and black. Not again. 

“You think you’ve grown up so much, but yet you still went after someone who can’t give you what you want. A 20 year old ninja, and yet you still can’t mature past your stupid and childish ideals, blossom.” He spat sarcastically. “And maybe, just maybe it is real, and  he let you in. It’ll be too bad, because I will kill him for ever thinking he could take what’s been mine since the academy days.” He spat. 

And then he put her in a Tsukuyomi, making her watch Kakashi die over and over again, by Sasuke’s hand. He only held for a few minutes but it would feel like days to her that she watched the horror over and over again.

He dropped her and left, leaving to handle her motivation in the case that that was not enough, the chatty blonde having already stretched his patience enough since he abducted her last night.

Sakura sat on the floor of her office, trembling. She tried to release, knowing it was just genjutsu. But she already knew you couldn’t get out of Tsukuyomi, it had been useless to try. She hugged her knees and cried into them, trying to gather her components. She remembered when Kakashi and Sasuke himself had suffered that jutsu from Itachi, and the damage that had been done. She tried to make herself breathe, trying to figure how she was conscious and not in a coma like they had been. It didn’t add up, even if she was resistant to genjutsu, the mangekyou abilities were far stronger than normal genjutsu…

She shook her head and wiped her tears. Tsunade needs to know right away. She grabbed her charts and gave them the front desk, telling her they needed to be reassigned before leaving. She was running up the road from the hospital to the Hokage tower when Ino’s mom came around the turn. 

“Sakura, have you seen Ino?!”

Sakura glanced at her best friend’s mother, just as she realized where Ino was.

 You will come to Orochimaru, one way or another.

“Sakura, come now!” She heard Shizune call. “Oh my god, what happened to you?”

“Sasuke just came into my office!” She called to her mentor, her voice trembling. “What the hell is going on!”

“Oh no, come on! I was coming to get you for an emergency.”

They ran up the stairs just as she heard a male voice ask “who” and many others murmuring. 

Sakura and Shizune entered the office briskly, Sakura struggling to catch her breath.

“My Lady… She was already halfway here.” Shizune started, holding Sakura tightly. “She...encountered Sasuke.”

Tsunade took one look at Sakura and could tell something was wrong, more than just seeing Sasuke. She frowned. She was pale and her eyes were bloodshot and she seemed to be just barely trembling.

“Sakura…?” Naruto tried, moving to her. “Hey, what happened? Did he hurt you?” He gently grabbed her shoulders and shook her.

Her eyes snapped and met his eyes and tears instantly forming, unable to hold them back. She held his gaze before shaking her head to answer his question. She turned to her side to look at Kakashi, meeting his  exposed eye, seeing his gaze full of concern and she frowned again.

“You knew, didn’t you? That’s why you’re here…” She moved towards him.

Kakashi nodded. “He was watching us last night.” He said blankly, unsure of what to say. “I didn’t know how to tell you… I hadn’t realized it was him until you fell asleep.”

The tears slowly flowed down her cheeks, glistening under the light in the room. “Kakashi, he took Ino, didn’t he!” And then she cried out and threw herself into him.

He instantly wrapped his arms around her body, unsure of what else to do. He held her tight in his arms. Tsunade watched them, seeing how unsure Kakashi looked and shook her head as she made a show of flipping her hair, hoping it was enough of a hint to get him to comfort her better.

“We will get her back.” She turned to Shizune. “Was she able to tell you what happened?”

Shizune shook her head. “I only just found her, she was on her way here, turning the corner.”

Sakura shook in Kakashi’s arms. “He wants me to go with him and Orochimaru. I-I refused and he got angry, and told me I-I would join them one or another…” 

“Absolutely not!” Naruto’s eyes flashed red for just a second. “That snake will not get her too!” 

Kakashi glared, stroking Sakura’s hair after noticing Tsunade making direct eye contact with him and flicking her hair across her shoulder. “She will not.” His grip tightened on her.

“Is he still in the village?” Shikamaru demanded.

“I had every shinobi on site spread to lockdown all entrances and to pass the message on behalf of Tsunade as soon as I left the room, and it had only been moments before.”

“This doesn’t explain how I didn’t know!” Choji flared.

“Genjutsu? Isn’t that the Uchiha’s thing with their eyes?” Shikamaru inquired.

Asuma nodded. “He very well could have put the entire household under one long enough to get her out, and made you stay in a dream state.”

Sakura sniffled softly, swallowing down her cries. “Apparently Orochimaru is convinced I can heal his wretched arms, as if I would want to.” She spat. “Oh, and I guess Sasuke wants to be sure his clan is continued on before he gives his body to a snake.” She scoffed.

Naruto looked perpetually confused. “He tried to make Tsunade heal him… But she said she couldn’t, but he was certain she could…”

“I never said I couldn’t…” Tsunade intervened. “I just wouldn’t be swayed by him, especially with the use of forbidden jutsu, no matter how much I miss Dan or my little brother…” Her shoulders went rigid at the topic coming up. “But I still doubt I could have. The Death Reaper Seal often kills the person who uses it, it is a more than powerful jutsu which killed not only the Third but…” Tsunade looked to meet Naruto’s eyes in a solemn gaze.

“My father…”  Naruto said flatly. “I’m aware.” 

“I don’t care if I could heal his stupid arms, I will not.” Sakura said spitefully. “But I have to go…” 

Kakashi looked at her. “No.” He said, his grip on her tightening even more. “I am not losing you, Sakura.”

Naruto shook his head. “We will get Ino back without losing you.” 

Choji nodded. “Neither one of you is more important than the other, no matter who loves who.” He affirmed, now calmed knowing the situation.

Sakura frowned, shifting slightly in Kakashi’s iron grip, and resting her forehead on his shoulder. “There’s something else…” Her voice trembled.

Everyone waited and listened while she seemed to build up her morality to speak again.

“I’m sure you figured out he was watching us last night, and was the cause of the unsettling feelings me and Ino had.” 

Sakura trembled. She didn’t know what to do. She just knew she felt safe in Kakashi’s arms but she knew what she was about to say was going to set everyone off. The simple idea that she would go back to him couldn’t even cross her mind. The aura of the Uchiha’s anger filling her office when she refused still left her shaking. 

Her grip tightened around Kakashi as she finally spoke again. “He told me he was going to kill Kakashi…” She choked back another sob.

“He couldn’t believe I was with him. He went off about how it was disgusting and wrong.” She glared at the wall in front of her. “And insinuated that Kakashi was a pedophile and when I went to hit him in response, he finally understood that it was real.” Her nails dug into Kakashi’s back as she tried to keep her composure. “Berated me about loyalty, telling me I never loved him. I betrayed him. Told me I was just a whore looking to get up the r-ranks… And that if I ever thought someone like Kakashi was capable of love than I’m no less of an idiot than I was when we were 13. But I didn’t know he took Ino until her mother found me...” She shook. “I just guessed because we both felt some unwanted presence last night and then he popped up in my office, and she had liked him back then too so I thought maybe he was finding a different medic that…” 

“Sakura, it’s not your fault.” Naruto said sternly. “And you are definitely none of the things he said.” His anger was beginning to flare again and it was all he could do to keep his emotions in check. “I will find him myself.” He looked at Team 10. “No better search party than us right?”

“No. Last time I sent a mission after Sasuke with emotional attachments involved you almost died.” Tsunade spat.

“Lady, they aren’t chunin and genin anymore.” Shizune cut in. “And I think if we send the right balance of experience it will be a good set up.” 

“I don’t think you’re going to be able to convince anyone in this room to not go after them. It’s personal for us all.” Asuma agreed.

The fifth just sighed. “You all act like you’re the boss around here.” She grumbled. “Fine, then. I want Sai and Yamato in your group as well, making three seasoned former ANBU in your ranks. A Hyuga as well. The more strength you have against Sasuke, the better. I’d say an Inuzuka for tracking, but you already have Kakashi.” She slouched against her desk. “And do not go against Orochimaru. Get to Sasuke before he returns to wherever the hell they are holed up. The more you have, the better.” She sighed. “Yamato is the mission lead.”

She hoped Kakashi and Asuma wouldn’t take offense to Yamato being lead, as they were far too invested in this mission emotionally. While Yamato was part of Team Seven, he was not involved with Sakura, nor did he have the same attachments to Sasuke that the three of them have. Asuma was her sensei, there was no way she could truly trust he could think logically at all times. 

Everyone nodded and left the office.

“Me and Kakashi will find Sai and Yamato.” Sakura affirmed.

“I’ll find Neji and Hinata, at least one should be able to go.” Naruto said fiercely.

“We will meet at the gates in half an hour, that should be ample time to pack and round everyone shouldn’t it?” Asuma stated, watching Choji and Shikamaru. The boys only nodded.

Temari came running up the steps to the tower. “I need to speak with the Hokage right away!” She exclaimed.

Shikamaru’s eyes widened. “Temari! What are you doing here? What’s wrong?”

She hesitated before looking at the group and her eyes landing on Sakura. “We have intel that Orochimaru is-”

“It’s too late.” Kakashi stated plainly. “Sasuke already has Ino…”

Temari's eyes widened before looking at her lover’s team. “I’m sorry, I got here as fast as I could. But we thought he was after Sakura…? Gaara sent me here, we weren’t sure how reliable the intel we got was but we didn’t want to risk it. ”

“They’re using her best friend as ransom…” Choji said, clearly bothered. “We just organized a resume squad and need to retrieve the rest of it.” 

“Let me come! I’m in order to do whatever I can to help.”

“Temari, I don’t think-” Shikamaru started.

“Please.” Sakura cut him off. “We need all the help we can get.”

Naruto nodded. “And there’s nothing like a little wind jutsu to help out!” He gave a smile before jumping to the rooftops, bounding from one to another towards the Hyuuga compound.

Temari nodded and glanced at Choji, who looked explicitly more distraught than Asuma and Shika. She walked up to him and pressed a hand to his arm. “I know you care about her, we’ll get her back.”

“Sasuke is such a drag.” Shikamaru groaned before shaking his head. “Choji and her just got together and he had to go and kidnap all because he’s jealous of Kakashi? He didn’t seem so interested before he left.” 

Asuma shook his head. “This isn’t about interest, it’s about opportunity. He wanted to carry on his bloodline, Sakura just seemed convenient because he assumed she’d still fall to his feet.” He sighed. 

Sakura scoffed. “It’s not even just that. Orochimaru wants me to heal his arms. I’m sure the revival of his clan was just some manipulation on the betraying sannin’s part.” She added bitterly. “I should have knocked him into the next decade but I was in shock…” She shamed herself.

“You can’t blame yourself, Sakura.” Shikamaru added. “We haven’t seen him since the war and he only sided with us then because he wants to be the one to destroy the village. It’s not like we expect to just walk into our town without making himself known.”

“Whatever the case, we need to go get ready to leave the village, and scout it out before. Chances he had already escaped before Shizune raised the alarm but we must be certain. This mission consists of some of the strongest shinobi, we cannot risk leaving if he is still here.” Kakasi said in usual laid back but firm demeanor. 

“He’s right.” 

The rest of the group departed to round up their things and fellow shinobi.

Naruto knocked as politely as possible on the door to the Hyuga complex in his urgent state. Hiashi answered as always with a smile, already sensing Naruto’s chakra. His expression changed when he noticed the serious aura around the usually cheerful young man. “Naruto, what’s wrong?”

“It’s Sasuke. He kidnapped Ino to try and make Sakura join him and Orochimaru.” Naruto said in an even tone. “Tsunade has commanded that at least one Hyuga goes on the rescue mission. I would like to ask for both Hinata and Neji.” 

Hiashi thought a moment before nodding. “I will also send Hanabi. She is quite fond of that one teammate of yours, the former ANBU that uses ink? I also think it would do her some good to go on a mission, it’s about time she is no longer stuck within the village walls. She has much to learn as the future head.” 

Naruto couldn’t help but smile. “You mean Sai.” Hinata had mentioned before that Hanabi was curious about Sai, but frowned in confusion. “I thought you didn’t like letting the clan heads get involved with village business.”

Hiashi thought for a moment about Naruto’s observation. “Neji and Hinata are technically branch members, which is why they went to the academy. Hanabi is the next clan head, but she must see danger and know what it means to protect someone.” He sighed softly. “Sasuke and Orochimaru are a danger to the village which is where we live. And it would also seem that while Hanabi wishes to follow most principles of the clan, she seems to want to be closer to the village.” 

He was never a fan of this, sticking well to the traditions of the Hyuga clan, not ever really close to anyone outside of it. However, that seemed to be where this generation of Hyuga had changed. Neji and Hinata have both fallen for someone outside of the clan, and it now seems that Hanabi will as well. As long as the Hyuga genes were kept pure for the next leader, perhaps he could learn to be okay with it, granted it would be a rather odd arrangement if his younger daughter married outside of the clan.

“She has expressed interest in being a genin team leader. I usually would not support this, but it has seemed that this generation has changed many things, and if she will lead the clan maybe she should experience being part of village relations before she makes such a fundamental decision for our clan.” 

Naruto had listened fully with all the respect he could have. It always bothered him that the clan never did anything unless there was a war, but he was glad to see them possibly beginning to change that.

“That sounds like a good idea when you explain all that then.” Naruto beamed, but it faltered. “We’re supposed to meet at the village gates soon. I don’t need to talk to them, we’re gonna fill everyone in on the run. I still need to get ready while Kakashi and Sakura find Sai and Yamato.”

Hiashi nodded. “I understand the urgency. Go on, I will inform them of the mission.” He watched as Naruto took back to the rooftops into the direction of his apartment, pride swelling in his heart that his daughter would find such a formidable shinobi to love.

Naruto bounded back to his apartment and quickly packed all his weapons and some dried food rations. Before leaving he grabbed his sage scroll and swung it around his shoulder to hang behind him. He sighed and left, running into the rest of the current Team Seven on his ways to the gates.

“Naruto.” Sai nodded towards him.

“Who is coming from the Hyuga?” Sakura asked.

“We are getting Hinata, Neji and her little sister Hanabi!” He smiled. “I had only requested Neji and Hinata. Hiashi had volunteered Hanabi, saying she needed to go outside of the village walls? That was kind of shocking.”

Kakashi and Yamato raised their eyebrows, knowing the history and ways of the Hyuga.

“It definitely is, but you have always inspired change in people.” Kakashi said with pride. 

As they ran to the gate, he thought more deeply about his statement. How this team was the reason he even opened up even a little bit again. How much Naruto reminded him of Obito, and Sakura reminds him of Rin more and more everyday. How much of himself he had seen in Sasuke, and how much he put into trying to stop him from taking the path of vengeance. How it was Naruto who had almost convinced him that letting himself be with Sakura was worth facing the fear of loss once again. Worth having something to lose, granted really he already had something to lose before he let himself fully love her. 

He looked to each member of his team, to Naruto in front of him and Sakura first. The determined yet angry aura that wavered of Naruto was nearly tangible. To  his right where Sakura was right beside him, her fear and perseverance to save her friend just as in reach. He watched Yamato and Sai, trailing behind on either side, the unwavering camaraderie and loyalty in their expressions as they trailed after the three towards the bridge.

He thought of the friends he had made that he had kept just out of reach for years, knowing deep down it would kill him inside if something happened to Gai, Asuma, and Kurenai. Even Genma, Shizune, Iruka, and Anko. He had always had something to lose even when he kept his distance, but the pain would be so much greater if he had ever let himself love. But the more he really admitted it to himself, he wasn’t far from feeling the pain he tried too hard to avoid the longer he had been around Naruto and Sakura. As for Sakura… The time they spent together just slowly became more and more, until they were just always together when she wasn’t at the hospital or with Ino or Naruto.

Reaching the gates, meeting everyone there, he smiled his usual eye crease.

“How many missions are we going to take that involve Sasuke?” Neji asked in his usual agitated tone.

“Neji!” Hinata chastised.

Naruto shook his head. “This time he’s gone after Sakura, again, and Ino. He’s crossed the line.”

“What are you saying, Naruto?” Yamato watched the jinchuriki carefully.

“I’m saying that from here on out, he’s not my brother. He’s not my best friend. He’s not my comrade. He’s an enemy.” He ground his teeth together. “I can’t keep watching him hurt the people I care about.”

“Naruto…” Sakura rested her hand on his shoulder. 

“Let’s not get hasty. The goal of the mission is to retrieve Ino, correct?” Yamato asked.

Kakashi nodded. “Sasuke is still under the influence of Orochimaru, remember.”

Sakura frowned. “He seemed perfectly well aware of what he was doing before.” 

Hinata watched the team with compassion, knowing how much Naruto struggles with the troubles surrounding Sasuke and his desire to bring him back from the darkness.

“We should go. Some Anbu reported here earlier saying there was no sign that they are still in the village.” Asuma stated softly, noticing how antsy his team was getting with all the talk. “Please remember the bonds between Ino and her team go further than just the academy and being genin together. Their clans have been comrades alongside each other for generations, and all three of my team are the next clan heads to take an oath to protect one another, and this is especially hard for Choji, as we all know his feelings for her.”

Shikamaru and Choji nodded, keeping silent but turning to start leaving towards the gates. 

The rest soon followed into the forest. Hinata kept close to Naruto as they leapt through the leaves. Kakashi and Sakura were together, Yamato jumping to the head to lead the envoy. The team leader stopped below the branches a moment, realizing they hadn’t even spoken of plans. “Wait a moment!”

Everyone stopped for a moment, staring at the captain of the mission confused.

“We need to discuss a formation and find a trail before we go high tailing to nowhere.” He gazed over at Kakashi expectantly.

The copy nin slid the scroll from his vest and performed the hand signs to summon his ninken before placing his hand on the ground. “Do any of you have something that could have Ino’s scent on it?” He looked pointedly at Choji.

Sakura shook her head and Choji looked nervous. 

“I don’t have anything…” He said solemnly.

Sakura smiled. “Choji, her scent is probably still all over you from last night. And you slept at her house.”

“Kakashi’s ninken can separate your own scent from hers.” Asuma nodded.

“Pakkun, Shiba, and Bisuke, find the scent of Ino. You’ve been around her once or twice. Follow it, and if you remember Sasuke’s scent still, follow that one as well. He kidnapped her. Report back to me if you find a trail.”

“You got it boss.” 

They went and sniffed Choji a few moments until they found the more feminine scent on his clothes. “You’re her boyfriend, aren’t you kid?” Pakkun asked bluntly.

Choji’s face turned red and he just nodded. 

His nose wiggled and nodded. “That’s it, let’s go.” 

And then the ninken were gone in a matter of blurs taking off.

Yamato nodded, clearly pleased with the success of finding a way to track them. “Okay. We have three Hyuga, so I want one in the front, one in the center and one in the back. Which of you three have the longest range?”

Neji and Hinata exchanged glances before silently agreeing on something.

“Captain, Hanabi does, but she cannot be in the front of line. Understand, she is the clan heirass and must be protected. Neji is further than mine.” She stated quietly but confidently.

Yamato nodded. “I understand. I am going to do a 2,3,2,3,2 formation. Neji, you will be in the front with me since you have the second superior sight range.” He paused a moment to think longer about his comrades abilities and strengths. “Shikamaru, Temari, and Choji you will be the next group behind me, two long range users to use on the enemies ahead, and Choji to give power hits I know the Akimichi have when they get close.”

 He thought about how to best protect Hanabi in an emergency with her in the center. “Hanabi in the center and Hinata in the back. Sai, because you have the super beast scroll and can summon anything, you will be with Hanabi, in the case that this gets too dangerous and a threat to her life, you are to form a beast and escape with her and protect her.” He took note of Hanabi turning just the slightest bit of pink and grinned and a knowing look passed over Hinata’s features, a grin crossing his face to hear no argument.

 Knowing Hinata would be the rear eyes, he glanced between the rest of the team. Sakura needed to be kept within the inner part of the formation as the medic nin and a target of the enemy. “Kakashi, Sakura, and Asuma, you will be between Hanabi and Hinata’s pairs as a group of three, because you all have close and strong combat skills. And we also want Sakura surrounded as our team's head medic and one of the targets of the enemy so she is to be in the center of you two.”

He glanced at Naruto, sure the ninja knew his place now but still stating it and the reason.“Naruto, you will be in the back with Hinata, as you have the most chakra and can handle an ambush attack with your shadow clones and toad summons, as well as your enhanced resilience from the nine tails. Hinata also has her protective trigrams to hold off an enemy use should it be needed.” 

Everyone moved into the formation given without much questioning to their captain. They were focused on saving their comrade, best friend, and or teammate. Sakura hated to be treated as if she were fragile but she knew she had to stay out of harm's way to be an effective medic. It didn’t mean she always had to like it though. She could still feel the fear slowly creeping into her mind again but she tried to keep watching for the next branch to land on, and the next and the next in hopes of distracting herself.

“Sakura…” Naruto called softly from behind.

Kakashi gave him a side glance, curious in what he had to say.

“What?” Sakura inquired.

“What happened?” Naruto asked directly. “You seem different, shaken. And not like you only seen Sasuke. I’ve seen that and this is different.” His eyebrows furrowed. “You’re shaky and torn up like you were traumatized, not just surprised…”

Sakura looked away from both Kakashi and Naruto. “Nothing…” She tried but her voice cracked, giving her away instantly that it was a lie.

“Sakura, did he do something else?” Kakashi asked, and she could hear the venomous threat meant toward the Uchiha lying in the tones of his voice.

“You’re acting like Sasuke after the time me and Jiraiya ran into Itachi and Kisame…” Naruto realized, his eyes widening with worry.

Sakura gulped. She didn’t want to make them worry more. If they found out she’s been through a tsukuyomi they might make her return to and stay in the village. 

“Sakura…” She could hear Kakashi try to steady his breathing.

“He… He didn’t just threaten to kill you.” She turned to face Kakashi. “He made me watch all the various ways he would have thought to do it…” She swallowed again. “It was only for a few mere moments…”

“Sakura! You shouldn’t be pushing yourself!” Hinata exclaimed.

“I’m fine!” The pinkette insisted.

Kakashi was doing everything he could to not lose his temper, not with her, but at the very thought he used any sort of that technique of the sharingan on her. He should have known by now that Sasuke was beyond redemption, but it still surprised just how low he could fall in how he treated his own teammates, let alone the conspiring against the village in such a way. They all should have learned by now.

The pangs of guilt he used to feel for believing he failed the raven kid were beginning to turn into contempt and revulsion.

Those who break the rules are scum, but those who abandon their friends are worse than scum. 

He tried so hard not to feel that way about Sasuke because he knew there could have been a chance he could have gone down a similar path, but the Uchiha chose over and over again to have revenge instead of camaraderie. How much more could he look the other way, as he watched him hurt his team over and over again, the two who still held hope for him until this particular betrayal?

That fact that he put Sakura through a tsukuyomi, not just a genjutsu. He still wondered how she was even conscious, let alone out of bed.

“Yamato, we need to stop. My ninken will be able to keep a trail and follow them to wherever they go.” Kakashi called out with a neutral tone, the same one he had used when he was the leader of missions. 

“Kakashi, I said I’m fine!” 

He gently grabbed her wrist as he stopped on the next branch, pulling her to a halt. “Sakura, even I was down after a tsukuyomi had been used on me.” He pressed. “Stop fighting  us on this.” His tone held a little more authority in the last statement. His grip was gentle but it was still firm.

She knew he was just trying to look out for her but it was annoying that he wouldn’t let it go. Annoyed at the tinge of authority in his voice, even though she knew he was considered second in command on this mission, even though he was technically her team leader. Her best friend was kidnapped and she did not plan on stopping until she found her.

Everyone else had stopped within yards of each other. Yamato came upon the back of the group, looking at his pink haired teammate. “Sakura, you should have been cleared by a medic.”

She huffed annoyed. “I am literally the medical director, and I said I’m fine.” She snapped. “My best friend is literally about to be at the hands of the two biggest rogue nin of our village, and we are stopping over some damn visions.” 

Naruto put a hand on his lifetime friend’s shoulder. “Sakura, even I know they aren’t just visions.”

“Ino’s safety is not worth trading for yours.” Asuma stated bluntly. 

“I am fine!” She tried to insist.

“Sakura, you’re barely holding it together.” Shikamaru pointed out. “Your best friend was just kidnapped by your revenge sick teammate that’s suddenly hellbent on having you, and he just used a forceful genjutsu on you. No one here is expecting you to be okay.”

“What if she needs medical attention, Sakura?” Hinata pleaded. “You have to have full stamina in case she has been severely injured…” Hinata knew that Sakura knew she was right but sometimes you needed to hear from someone else.

Sakura leaned against the tree, the exhaustion hitting her. “I’m fine. You know I’m resistant to genjutsu… I’m just tired and my head hurts. We don’t need to stop…” She trailed off, knowing she didn’t sound very convincing. 

“Sakura, you can’t push yourself to your limits and then expect to be of help when we get there. Or if anyone else gets hurt, you have to be able to be the medic, not one of the ones who needs a medic.”

Yamato looked at her. “You either need to rest and get a handle on your emotions, or I will have to send you back.” He said it in his usual tone of authority.

He knew Sakura would be angry but she was well aware that he did what was best for the mission and that he showed no sympathy. He treated them as ninja and wouldn’t ‘baby’ them. He’s made that clear since the first mission on Tenchi Bridge.

She frowned deeply at her captain’s words, but she knew he meant it. She just accepted it and slumped against the tree. “Fine. But we won’t rest a minute longer than it takes for my head to stop hurting.” She huffed.

Yamato nodded. “We’ll make camp below while we are still in fire country. Everyone dropped below besides the remaining Kakashi, Naruto, and Hinata.

Kakashi picked up Sakura with one hand supporting her back and his other hooked under her knees. “Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice came out harsher than he meant but it had bothered him.

“Because I knew Tsunade, or Shizune, wouldn’t have let me go if I mentioned it.” She stated tiredly. “And there was no way I wasn’t going on this mission when it’s my fault he took her in the first place…”

“What about after?” Naruto asked. 

“I told you when you asked…”

Hinata watched her, admiring her strength, but also worried. “Sakura, you know more than anyone that it’s not wise to go on a mission worn. And you are worn mentally…” She spoke softly, hoping to anger her friend.

Sakura looked at Hinata and smiled before resting her head on Kakashi’s shoulder and sighing. “I’ve never been a ninja that could keep my emotions from clouding my judgement Hinata…” Her expression turned into a bitter scowl as she thought to herself.]

“It’s my biggest downfall, and the reason we’re in this situation today, because it was my emotions that let that bastard live.” She mumbled vehemently, angry at herself.

“No.” Kakashi said sternly. “You and Naruto biggest strengths are the compassion and kindness you still hold in your hearts even after everything you’ve seen.” He looked from Naruto as he said and to Sakura. “Never forget that, either of you.” 

Naruto nodded, feeling some of the same feelings towards himself. “I’m done trying to save him. I meant it.”

Sakura nodded. “He really thought he could just swoop in after seven years, and that I’d just run right into his arms, ready to just be some baby maker and not an actual kunoichi.” 

Kakashi smiled then. “Well, you’ll show him, now won’t you?” His grip tightened around her body. “Only after you recuperate. And I would love to know how you are still conscious right now.” 

“I’m resistant, but I couldn’t avoid it like I can some others. I just kept telling myself it wasn’t real. And I just…” She shivered. “I’m not unaffected, trust me. I’m just…” She looked away. “I can’t let something happen to Ino…”

He nodded softly before placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. “We will get her, I promise, but it will not be at your expense.” He nodded to Naruto before jumping down the base of the tree, joining the rest of their rescue squad. 

“Kakashi, you want to do the honors of starting the fire?” Asuma joked lightly.

“Maybe after I make our medic relax.” Kakashi said offhandedly.

“It better not be in out ear shot, that would be a drag…” Shikamaru groaned.

Sakura turned red as Kakashi laughed, thankful his mask covered the slight pinkish tint that showed up on his own skin. “I actually hadn’t meant it like that but I’ll keep that in mind.”  He gave his normal eye crease before gently setting Sakura against a tree. He grabbed both of their packs and began setting up the tents.

“Kakashi, you might as well only set one up to save on space.” Yamato commented neutrally. “She needs to have a guard anyways. “The less setup we have, the less it will draw attention and time saved in taking it down anyways.” 

The spiky haired nin nodded as he continued setting up.

Sakura had given up on trying to seem fine now that it was out in the open that she really was far from it. She watched Kakashi setting up the tent,trying to keep distracted when Choji sat next to her. 

“I think Ino would kick your ass if she ever found out you were going to risk yourself like that for her.” He commented quietly.

“She might have.” Sakura laughed softly. “Tsunade is gonna kill me when she finds out…”

“Just take care of yourself too, Sakura. I know it’s hard, but we have to remember to keep ourselves in check.” He chuckled a bit. “Not all of us are fortunate enough to have the crazy chakra reserves and healing capabilities Naruto has.”

She smiled genuinely then. “You’re right…”

He rested his hand on her back. “She would have done the same for you, I’m sure of it. But we need you most of all to be cautious and in control. Recover first, so we have the greatest chance of saving both of you.” He gave her a small smile before leaving her side to talk with Asuma, Shikamaru, and Temari.

Yamato came over to Sakura next. “I’m glad you decided to rest.” He said with a careful smile. “I thought you were going to pummel me like Naruto for a second.” He tried to joke a little.

Sakura smiled up at him. “I wanted to for a second, but I know you were right.” She sighed. “I wouldn’t have expected any different from you, Captain Yamato. We both know I let my emotions get the best of me at times, even with the improvement I’ve made.”

He nodded softly as Kakashi came back. “Alright, time to get your hard headed self in a bed. You need to sleep.” 

Sakura slowly stood up. “I don’t know if I want to do that.” She grumbled. She walked into the tent, crouching a bit as she entered. She smiled as she saw the two cots laid side by side, laying on the one closest to the door. 

Kakashi watched her as she went into the tent and laid down before sighing.

“So, you need to fill everyone who wasn’t in that office on all the details of what happened and of this mission.” He looked at Kakashi. “I’m aware I’m the Captain because I don’t have as much emotional tether to Ino as her team and Sakura, nor do I have any bonds with Sasuke.”

Kakashi scoffed. “I think this may be the one move that will make them give up on Sasuke.” He glared at the ground. “I never truly gave up on him, but after this. I can’t keep believing he’s still able to saved…”

Asuma came up, knowing his friend held an enormous amount of guilt for the Uchiha’s choices. It was unspoken between the circle of friends, but it was easy to know he blamed himself. He always did. “I have Sai, Neji, Hanabi, and Hinata gathered around the soon to be fire so that we could fill them and Yamato in on the details.” 

Kakashi nodded. “There’s no time like the present.” He said nonchalantly, before making his way to the pile of sticks the rest were gathered around. 

He performed the katon no jutsu, igniting the pile instantly. The irony in using that technique wasn’t absent from his mind, knowing it was one of the main jutsus of the Uchiha. It only made the bitterness growing towards Sasuke grow deeper.

Even Naruto had given up on him now… 

He sighed, starting at the beginning with the night at the bar when Sakura and Ino felt watched, explaining that he realized Sasuke’s presence watching him and Sakura as she slept in his bed. Ending with the events that passed in Tsunade’s office.

[thesxmmersword]

DETAILED BACKSTORY

Early life  (8:89 - 9:03)

Cauthrien was born into a family of two elder brothers and in the years that came she gained another six siblings. As a child, she lived through the last thirteen years of the Orlesian Occupation. A dirt-poor farmer’s daughter, always hungry and in danger of some Masked Noble deciding that she was worth more as sport than as labour. It was a clawing and desperate existence with little to no moments of joy, a constant fight for survival and one that many of Cauthrien’s siblings lost. 

Those losses hit the young girl hard, her mind and, at times, her father, calling her responsible. The impact of the Occupation was indescribable on her. She was trapped, abused and helpless. Her family were killed off around her and she saw only doom and death in her immediate future. Everything she suffered was out of her control. She still had good influences and good principles from some and she would often go greatly out of her way to help others, risking her life for people she hardly knew. But Cauthrien was very young when she realised how powerless she was and it had a lasting and irreconcilable effect on her for the rest of her life. 

It was in her thirteenth year that the young King Maric routed the Orlesian forces and freed Fereldan from their tyranny. However, even with them gone, Cauthrien’s life did not become significantly easier. Less dangerous perhaps, she felt the freedom she had never known, but the influx of banditry was immense and immediate. Cauthrien found herself fighting off men twice her size on an almost weekly basis, but at the very least now she had a chance of winning.

Early Military Service (9:03 - 9:11)

It came to pass that in her fourteenth year she found a man being beset by a large group of bandits. She had still managed to hold onto some instinct of self-sacrifice throughout childhood, despite it all, so she quickly came to the man’s aid, picking off some of the bandits with her bow before charging in with a stolen Orlesian sword and hacking until none were left.

To her great surprise, the man she ‘saved’ turned out to be Loghain Mac'Tir, Hero of the Battle of Riverdane and one of King Maric’s personal friends and advisors. Cauthrien was awestruck. The feeling was apparently mutual because Loghain offered her a position in his Military. It didn’t even take thought, Cauthrien wanted to fight, wanted a purpose, needed a reason to continue on after everything she had seen and done. She wanted to feel like she was useful, that she deserved to exist, that she had control and power over her life. She could think of no one she would rather pledge herself to. Loghain was a saviour to her. If not for him, the Orlesian Monsters that had dogged her childhood and killed her family would still be abusing and infecting her homeland now. She would have died along with them, eventually. Now her life might mean something and if she spent it, it would be for a good cause.

And so she entered the Gwaren army as a new recruit, her commission and equipment fully paid and her housing dealt with. Still, initially she struggled. Cauthrien’s teenage years were entirely transitional. She was a mess of conflicting personality traits, opinions and capabilities. She could feel a boil of anger in her but was restless and confused about how to deal with it. All her trainers agreed, she was skilled, but they found her hard to control, hard to tire. It wasn’t until Lieutenant Rikke took her on that Cauthrien found the real rigid and all encompassing structure that she could settle on. Having strict rules, expectations and timetables counterintuitively gave her the freedom to explore more of herself. At the end of her apprenticeship, Rikke wrote this letter into her dossier;

FROM: Lieutenant-Captain Rikke of Redcliffe

SUBJECT: Soldier Cauthrien of West Hill, 9th Infantry Battalion

SUBJECT BORN: 8:89 of the Blessed Age, 27th of Wintermarch

DATE: 9:05 of the Dragon Age, 6th of Guardian

A description of the Soldier’s career and suggestions as to her assignments and promotions hereafter.

Cauthrien shows remarkable endurance of every extreme. Natural strength and height gives her an advantage on the field of battle and she is still young enough to be expected to exceed these attributes in the years to come. She outmatches all of her peers currently on simple physical levels and hand-to-hand sparring combat has seen her as the Champion for this year.

She has mastered Shield and Longsword at levels far above her peers and exceeds most of them in almost every other manner of battle, bar duel weaponry. Her abilities on horse-back still leave something to be desired and she has little to no literacy in any language. 

As a Soldier she shows promise. She follows orders precisely and without complaint. Her understanding of positions and combat movements is advanced due to specialist training and all of her Commanders have reported, at least, that she has never failed in her duties. 

A LETTER IS THEN INSERTED HERE 

To whomever this might concern,

  Cauthrien is a true asset, there can be no doubt of her potential. I do not think I have trained such a promising recruit in the whole of my career. Her tolerance to pain alone has seen her battle three men whilst trailing a dislocated arm and thinking nothing of it. I have seen a number of similar individuals, admittedly. Many Children who survived through the Occupation have emerged durable and committed to our Country’s defense.

However, Cauthrien shows extremes in all this, as well as the side effects. She holds a fury and a fear that I doubt she will ever be rid of. I have discovered little about her family, but from what I do know she has lost as much as any of us to the Orlesian’s swords. She has a drive to prove herself that, while it might be considered perfect for a life of service, I  would advise not encouraging. She has made it plain that sacrificing her life for her Country is her intended end and, Ser, it is disturbing to hear a pup of seventeen say such things in such a tone. 

I would suggest that any commander wishing to take her on in a full time placement should be aware of these factors and keep in mind she works best under strict timetables and orders.

 Her Loyalty will be well worth the effort spent to earn it.

In conclusion, Cauthrien is a candidate for greater promotion and I believe would thrive in a Captaincy of her own in years to come. For now I suggest offering her greater responsibilities and assigning her to a fixed Battalion with a steady command.  I agree with my Teyrn’s recommendation of introducing her to Commander Torvin of Maric’s Shield. 

Torvin, the old elf in charge of Maric’s Shield at the time, was suitably impressed. Young though she was, the members of the battalion were eager to welcome her. Perhaps because she was young. Quite a few lacked the vitality she possessed, nor could sport the kind of endurance she had any longer. She was welcomed and she was valued and with Torvin reporting directly to Loghain, she even saw more of him. And when she truly began working towards the betterment of Ferelden, bleeding and fighting for her country and winning alongside comrades who felt the same fervour, she realised she was powerful. And it viscerally delighted her. 

Now that she was no longer a cornered animal, but a formidable predator, quivering fear and crippling grief became roiling fury and stoney apathy. The extremes that she switched too shocked everyone. Suddenly gone was the quiet and defensive and stiff girl, she was an avenging angel of persecution, no Orlesian was safe behind Fereldan borders and she made absolutely certain it stayed that way. She and her comrades would goad visiting chevaliers into ‘friendly competitions’ that never ended well, but always ended with Cauthrien’s bloody victory. She was more unstable. Violence came to her easily and quickly. Everyday felt like an endless battle to keep control of her emotions when outside of her duties, a war she won the majority of the time, but those slips were cataclysmic in nature. Emotion she had been forced not to feel was returning to her, stale and bitter and poisonous after being left to ferment for so long. 

But crucially, her comrades in arms accepted this all as part and parcel. Many were old veterans to the occupation themselves, or indeed youths who’d grown up in it, Cauthrien’s turmoil was no stranger. They learned where not to touch her, they learned how to take her away from fights, they learned how to steer her out of trouble as though it was a natural part of duty, something they would and did do for anyone else. It was necessary, for her, to feel such rage, to validate how terrible it truly was. There was always too much fury inside her to fully release, but she managed to get some of the way there, she found a little calm place to settle and her new sense of family helped. 

Military Command (9:11 - 9:20)

Even better, at twenty one Loghain was suddenly placed as Regent to Ferelden and he knew he needed a trusted second to aid him in the turmoil of Maric’s sudden disappearance. Cauthrien was initially surprised to be requested, but it did not last long and she committed herself to those duties without reservation. With new responsibility and a new importance placed on her own reputation, she found even more calm and control and by the end of the year she had changed dramatically once again. Now she flexed and grew into herself, her initial rushed excitement of power tempering to a lionine contented confidence, her manner exuding and intimidating kind of comfort that made her perfect for command. Which helped greatly when she joined Loghain in besieging the Circle Tower and once again foiling an Orlesian plot to retake the country.

She retained her position as Loghain’s second after Maric returned, though she also returned to her duties within Maric’s Shield. An easier task than it sounded when Maric’s Shield followed their Teyrn so closely and received their orders from him directly. Still, it allowed her and Loghain to truly get to know each other. Cauthrien spent time with his family, became known and liked by Lady Celia and gained confidence in her right to stay at his side and exist in his circles. They came to trust one another too, in a more personal way, the trappings of hero worship finally discarded for genuine understanding and respect. They learned each other’s reticent and restrained languages.

And with Torvin’s retirement from command, Cauthrien was the natural choice to succeed him, though she was only twenty four at the time. It was well earned and well received within the regiment and Cauthrien herself felt heartily ready for the commission. A fact which she summarily proved a few years later. With her own alertness where Orlais was concerned and the information she was now able to access, realisation that the empire was beginning to once again test their borders came quickly and chillingly. Troop movements beyond the mountains, scout ships in Storm Coast waters, it felt dangerously familiar. But they could not risk any overt combat, trying to preserve the fragile ceasefire whilst Ferelden was still recovering from the occupation. 

Through a complex and intricate web of plots and misdirections, Cauthrien managed (using only her own forces) to draw some of Orlais’ emboldened forces over the mountains. With their crossing, an act of war in itself, Cauthrien no longer needed to show restraint. Maric’s Shield spent three months in the Frostbacks, crafting ambushes and disrupting camps, ensuring the emperor’s soldiers never left the mountains and culling any reinforcements that arrived. In the end she lead a crucial final onslaught that saw the snow painted red and finally drove any hint of a second invasion back. She sustained a near fatal blow to her chest in that final engagement and Loghain was at her side when she awoke. 

No one but Maric was made aware of anything surrounding the incursion, which was by specific design and Cauthrien had always known she would see no recognition for it. However, a year later, King Maric declared that Commander Cauthrien would be knighted for ‘dedicated service rendered for king and country’. And truly, though Cauthrien would have been content to simply do her duty, her knighthood was one of her proudest accomplishments and a true moment of success in her eyes. Even her parents came to witness it, though they did not stay long. 

However being Ser Cauthrien brought other challenges. Where classism had always been a factor in her life, her inclusion into the noble classes by way of her knighthood was not viewed favourably by all. She gained enemies within the nobility and her right to the title was often covertly questioned, though never in Loghain’s presence. But still, she was well prepared to deal with such petty issues by then and manage her frustrations when it became an obstacle to her goals. 

At thirty one the Gwaren forces were fully recovered and had become one of the largest and best kept armies in the country. Loghain’s duties took him often away from Gwaren and with his forces so large, he gave Cauthrien the title of General over their barracks. It was a point of amusement to them both that not a month after this was announced, Emperor Florian was found dead and his niece succeeded him. The girl had not held the throne long before official peace was declared between Ferelden and Orlais. It was a kind of victory, one that was celebrated quietly among Cauthrien’s circles. Loghain gifted Cauthrien the summer sword shortly after, something to mark the year. She accepted it with fondness and thoughtfulness both.

The Fifth Blight (9:30-9:31)

After a truly gruelling four years, Cauthrien and Loghain both face the news of a new darkspawn threat with an embittered and weary kind of dread. Maric’s sudden loss shocked everyone and Cauthrien was still worn from the search when Lady Celia suddenly and unexpectedly died, a further crushing loss to compound the hurt. She had been as present for Loghain as she could be, but she was aware this was a grief he had to contend with for as long as necessary and her true aid could come only with guiding his days and nights. Which had been her intent, until the next threat had arrived. 

Cailan had never been a man who inspired much faith in Cauthrien, though she treated him still with all the deference a King deserved. But the fact remained that Cailan was not ready to lead them all alone through this crisis and Loghain was needed, whether he was ready for it or not. And it was that kind of severity of purpose that she knew they both shared that made Cauthrien allow Loghain to push himself as he did. First their request for the Orlesian warden’s aide was met by a completely laughable demand, next Cailan became enamoured by Duncan’s charm and he became even less manageable, and all throughout the constant tension of Cailain’s treatment of Anora became harder and harder to bear. 

It also brought an unsettling amount of chaos into the Banns and Arls, the political climate unstable and growing worse by the day with Arl Eamon’s encouragement. All in all, Cauthrien was aware that they were sailing into dangerous waters and it only grew worse from there. 

With the disaster at Ostagar, Cauthrien could say she was disappointed but not surprised by Teagan’s idiotic dramatised rebellion. The landsmeet was perhaps a more horrifying failure than Ostagar had been, suddenly all of Ferelden was in danger of splintering apart at the worst possible moment. Blight or no, a darkspawn attack without opposition would see the country brought to its knees and thousands dead. And with the knowledge that at least half of the nobility were motivated in their insurgency just because of Loghain’s common birth, it ground Cauthrien’s teeth and dragged in her a very sharp kind of cold. She came with Loghain to the final meeting between him and Bann Bronarch, which could have stalled the fighting in it’s tracks if it had gone well. 

It had not. And Bronarch had been beheaded by Cauthrien herself. The battle was won and the crown gained the upper hand, but it did not feel like a victory to her. 

After that Cauthrien was mostly kept away from Denerim, risen to Captain-General alongside Loghain’s regency and fighting a bloody civil war for the eventual peace of the realm. She knew Howe to be a snake, she knew Loghain was slowly slipping under the weight of so much grief and horror, but there was little she could do. There were just too many fires to put out. And she admitted, she had lost her patience too. Bann Grainne had been so satisfied with herself, standing in front of a full years worth of burning harvest, and Cauthrien had lost her temper. They lost allies, even as they won victories, and though Loghain succeeded against terrible odds at wintersbreath, and Cauthrien clawed victory from defeat in both Oswin and the Lachus Valley, they soon realised it would not be enough. 

Arl Eamon’s recovery from their careful poisoning saw the end to their campaign and Cauthrien returned to Loghain for the Landsmeet. She found a thoroughly broken man. Others perhaps could not see it, but Loghain was so changed to Cauthrien that she sometimes could not recognise him. She found Howe’s influence so entrenched that there was no way for her to dig him out. Anora was wary of her now. The world was changed and, once again, for the first time in a very long time, Cauthrien was powerless to help. 

Loghain had told her not to accompany him to the Landsmeet. Cauthrien understood why, but that did not make her oaths or convictions any less binding, nor did she trust that either Eamon or these green wardens could successfully pull the country back from the brink. And so she had to stand between Loghain and death one last time. But her faith was shaken and she was wounded, weary and aching from all the harm she had caused to a people she had sworn to protect. In the end, when faced with the Warden a second time, she finally left it all up to fate.

[sinner-as-saint]

Want You Back (Mob! Seb AU)

Want You Back

Sequel to: Back For You 

Run-through: After your quite steamy one night stand with the mob boss, it was rather clear via the note he left you; that he was not yet done with you. Despite the emotional turmoil you were caught up in, you were certain that he’d come back for you. But were you ready for that?

Themes: language, mob boss! Seb, smut, slight dark side of characters, Daddy kink, possessive! Seb, stalking tendencies, slight temperature play. A.k.a this gets pure filthy at the end so, hide your children.

A/N: The symbols “^^^” represent a change of POV. Don’t worry, it’s not confusing. Oh and, um, kinky shit ahead.

 After he left your apartment, Sebastian drove straight to his hotel room for a quick change; given that he had left his shirt at your place as a souvenir. Then he drove to the airport.

Around 3 a.m. in the dark of the night, he boarded his private jet in his quest to France. There were certain problems which erupted there and he had to be there physically to get everything and everyone under control again.

Once he got inside the flight, he leaned his head back on his velvety seat and sighed out loud. He had a sly smile on his face as he remembered you; your face, your touch, the way you moaned his name under your breath and how your body moved sinfully under his touch.

Usually, he never gave the women that he slept with another thought. But you, you invaded his mind. You infiltrated his thoughts and he couldn’t fight back.

He felt bad for leaving you alone in your bed. And he couldn’t bring himself to wake you up before he left, because you looked like a literal angel, so he left you a note. And just so you wouldn’t get cold, he wrapped his shirt and your blanket around your sleeping frame carefully, placed a soft kiss on your forehead and left silently.

Sebastian thought about how you looked as you slept, your face prettier than before thanks to the afterglow, courtesy to him. Your lips were plumper than before, due to the amount of times he bit them. Your bare body was covered in the dark red marks he caused.

He smiled knowing that he would be the first thing you’d think about when you’ll wake up in the morning. He knew that you’d have a slight difficulty in walking and sitting down, his pride amplified as he’d happily take the blame for that.

He knew deep inside that you would soon find out who he really is. A cold hearted mob boss. But he also knew that you wouldn’t run away from him.

Of course you wouldn’t, he thought, you were his girl now.

He smiled at the thought of you being his, as he whipped out his phone and dialed a number he knew by heart.

“Chris! Hey man, long time huh? Yeah, it’s just real busy these days. Listen man, I need a favor. There’s a girl named Y/n who works at a pub called The Red Tavern, I need you to find everything you can about her. Family backgrounds, friends, ex-boyfriends, you know the drill,” he spoke, picking up the coffee cup the blonde hostess had just placed in front of him.

Through the phone came Chris’ voice.

“Sure buddy, I’ll get my people on it. By the way, who is she? A super hot stripper you simply can’t forget, huh?” he asked, followed by his signature laugh. Something which signaled that he was slightly drunk.

Seb shook his head, if this man wasn’t his friend, he’d have his head for his lack of seriousness in his work.

“Just do as I say, Chris. We’ll talk when you’re sober,” Sebastian spoke in a tired, monotonous tone and with that, he hung up.

Chris Evans, the Huntsman as many knew him, was exactly what he was titled as. A hunter, a man who could gather information about anyone and anything, anywhere in the world within the span of an hour or two. He was Sebastian’s closest friend and one of the very few people he trusted.

 After the quick phone call, Sebastian took a quick nap; during which he dreamt of you.

By now he had memorized every curve on your body. He knew your weak spots, he knew that all it takes is a soft kiss right over the skin under your right ear and you lost all control over your own body.

Due to his…profession, he was required to be very observant. And he indeed was. He noticed how your back would arch off the bed sheets every time he dragged a finger down your clit, tracing your glistening entrance as your sweet slick coated his middle finger.

He noticed how goose bumps would follow the faint brush of his fingers along your skin. He took note of your scent; your slightly fruity scent– perhaps it was peach, and the faint hint of caffeine on your tongue along with the raw taste of your mouth. He loved it.

Your soft moans, his name sounded so sinful coming out of your mouth while you came undone under him.

He woke up due to the slight pain in his neck, because it was angled weirdly while he slept. And he woke with an excited member as well.

God… what is she doing to me?

He rubbed the sore side of his neck and had the boner taken care of by the mouth of the sultry hostess who was more than happy to assist him in his hardship. No pun intended.

Once he landed in Charles De Gaulle in the bustling city of Paris, he had his awaiting driver take him to the warehouse where those assholes who worked for him couldn’t even handle a bunch of other assholes who weren’t willing to let his cargo of weapons get through, and reach an ally.

The task was easy; talk to them in his ‘I-mean-business’ tone and see if they agreed to his demands, if they didn’t, he’d have his people ‘take care’ of them while he hired other people to do what he wanted.

Personally, call him crazy but believe it or not, he didn’t like easy things. Perhaps that’s what drew him to you; your ability to make him chase.

Fuck, there you were again. Invading his thoughts without any shame.

Once he had dealt with the men, he left.

In the car, on his way home; he received an email from Chris. He smiled as he clicked on it, everything one can ever know about you unveiling in front of his eyes.

Your full name, where you grew up, information about your parents, your school, your high school, college, the degree you pursued, your social media, your phone password, where you ever went on family vacation, some of your pictures as well. Basically, everything.

He sent a quick text to Chris thanking him as he scrolled through all your details.

The more he learnt about you, the more protective he got. You were his girl, and no one was touching his girl from now on.

He couldn’t risk leaving you his phone number, but damn he wanted to hear your voice. He wanted to feel you in his arms, he wanted to feel the soft brush of your hair on his face. He wanted you. And when the mob boss wanted something, he always got it.

^^^

 You were freaking out, you simply did not know what to do.

Oh my good God, I just slept with the mob boss.

Those words repeated in your head and you were getting more and more worried. He said he’d come back for you. But would he really? Don’t powerful people like him have women around them all the time? Then why would he come back for a random one night stand?

Perhaps that was just his thing, maybe he left a note to every person he slept with. Maybe he went on with his life and forgot about them like a meaningless dream.

You still had the note in your grip, and your phone in the other hand.

What should I do? Should I call someone? You thought, but your inner voice didn’t reply.

You wondered if it were safe for you to stay here. Fuck, just digesting the fact that the notorious mob boss was here, in your apartment, in your bed, fucking you into your mattress just a few hours ago was crazy.

The thought of calling the cops rushed through your head very briefly, but what would you say? He was like fog, catching him was impossible because he has loyal people all over the world who covered his tracks. Even the police gave up on catching him long ago.

The thought which bothered you the most, was that you liked him. His mysteriousness, his broody nature, his…darkness. The way he touched you, the way he dragged his lips almost everywhere across your skin. The way his lips reminded you that you were his in that moment. You liked it all, but you shouldn’t.

He was dangerous, everyone knew that. But he was gentle, you thought.

There, you were losing your mind.

Mindlessly, you tapped on the screen of your phone and before you knew it, you were calling your dad.

You were closest with your dad, although you didn’t like his new wife very much, but he was still your favorite parent.

You didn’t know why you were calling him, but all you knew was that you had to reassure yourself that you weren’t alone in this.

“Hey honey!” came your dad’s cheery voice through the phone. It sounded as if he was somewhere very windy. A beach perhaps. Wait, there are no beaches in NYC…

“Hey dad, can- can we talk?” you wanted to get to the point straightaway. You obviously couldn’t tell him what happened, but you needed the support.

“Yeah honey, is everything okay? Are you okay?” his concerned voice came through, and a tear escaped your eye. You missed him terribly, and you tried your hardest not to sob.

“Yeah, I was just thinking about, uh, can- God, can I come and stay over for a day or two? It’s, I mean, being alone all the time isn’t that cool anymore,” you asked, hoping he’d say yes.

You didn’t quite like his wife, but she was never rude to you. You could easily deal with her for a few days until you got your thoughts in check and Sebastian out of your system.

God, even just saying his name mentally forced a shiver down your spine.

“Hey, peanut, are you sure you’re okay. I mean, of course you can stay over honey. It’s just that, Mariah and I are travelling at the moment. So, even if you come over, you’re gonna be alone for a long while before we come back, I-,”

“Oh that’s okay! I mean, maybe a change of scenery will do me good, yeah? I, uh, I have the keys that you left me. Can I go over, say tomorrow?” you asked, desperately wanting to get away.

“Of course you can sweetie, you’re always welcome to stay over! Just remember, there’s no food left so you’ll have to shop for some baby. We won’t be home for at least 3 weeks, feel free to have your friends over! Love you Y/n,” came your dad’s wife’s voice through the phone as she answered instead of your dad.

“Thanks Mariah. Love you dad, talk soon,” with that, you hung up, closing your eyes as you let a few more tears fall.

You finally understood why you needed to get away. It wasn’t because you didn’t feel safe, it’s because you still felt him in this apartment. His scent still lingered very faintly in the air, and knowing that he wasn’t coming back for you like he promised to – hurt. It hurt a bit more than you expected.

It was your own fault, you thought. You got attached too quickly.

You quickly booked a flight to NYC and started packing your bags. Hopefully being away from the apartment would help you get rid of the memories of the short-lived moments with the beautiful stranger.

You called your co-worker and let her know that you had to leave because of an emergency in the family, she was irritated at first due to the short notice, but understood nonetheless.

Before leaving, you debated whether or not you should call your friends and let them know that you were going to be in their city for a few days. And eventually, you did.

^^^

 “What the fuck did you just say?” Sebastian barked into the phone, his anger getting the best of him as he couldn’t believe the words Chris just spoke.

“Dude, you’re really gonna make me repeat that shit? I said, your chick just left town. She booked a flight to New York just now and you’re not gonna like this part but she just called a number belonging to one of your rivals man, she might just be another bitch they set t-,”

“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE! She’s not like that, she’s- look, just figure out where she’s going. I’m flying to New York within the next few hours. Keep me posted if there’s anything,” with that said, and receiving a sheepish ‘okay’ from Chris, Sebastian hung up the phone.

He paced around his room as the sunlight came through the windows, brightening the room. Yet, he thought, nothing matched the glow in your eyes as he buried himself deep inside you.

His thoughts raced, as he acknowledged every possibility of your sudden movement.

Could it be that you were trying to get away, thinking he couldn’t find you wherever you went?

That thought made him laugh, not in a good way.

Phone still in his hand, with the picture of you puckering your lips and your middle fingers held high up above you head, as his lock screen; he threw his body on his bed. Oh how would he like to have you here with him, right beside him.

But no, you decided to run away and make him chase you even more. Your unpredictability was driving him crazy, and for some weird reasons, he liked it.

His thumb hovered his phone screen, right above your puckered lips as he took in your appearance in the picture. Denim jacket, black pants and boots – you looked like a badass angel and it made him smile.

“Babygirl, I was coming back for you. I thought you’d accept me for who I am, but here you are; running away from me. Why did you have to run from me? But don’t worry, I still want you back. You’re mine,” he whispered out loud, to himself, as the thought of having you in his arms again was all he could focus on.

He chuckled darkly as he closed his eyes, thinking about you.

When he’d find you, he’d make sure you never run away again. And Sebastian was a man of his words, and he was coming to find his girl.

^^^

 As soon as you landed in NYC at around 4 p.m., you hired a cab and had the driver take you straight to your dad’s house. It was a spacious home, planted on an equally spacious property. Your dad was a nature loving person, so needless to say, the front yard was impeccable.

You fished out the bunch of keys and unlocked the door, stepping inside. You smiled as you looked around. The colors, the décor, the house was very warm and welcoming.

After roaming around for a bit, checking out the mini library area and the kitchen. You desperately needed a shower and food.

You settled for the room with the view of the back yard and had a quick, hot shower then made your way to the garage.

You drove to a café, grabbing a coffee and a croissant then made your way to the very busy grocery store.

When you parked your dad’s car, which you borrowed for the trip, you couldn’t help but notice a slick, shiny black Audi parked only a couple slots away from you.

You sat still in the passenger’s seat and watched it intently. The windows were tainted, just like Sebastian’s. But it couldn’t be him, right? I wouldn’t be him.

So many people owned black Audis, it could be anyone.

You convinced your heart that it wasn’t him, yet you couldn’t silence the little voice in your head which refused to believe you.

You roamed around the unfamiliar store for a bit, admitting that it was at least 3 times the size of the one you had back home in your little town. And there were so many people, and they were all in a rush.

Caught in the fast flow, you somehow knocked against someone’s cart and were about to fall, if two strong arms didn’t catch you in time.

Once you were back on your feet, stable, you couldn’t help your racing heartbeat. You were much more scared to turn around and find a certain blue eyed man, rather than the fact that you were just about to fall in front of so many people in an unknown city.

Reluctantly, you turned around.

And your fear subsided once you noticed that your savior didn’t have blue eyes. Instead, he had brown, soft eyes. And, an equally soft smile.

“Hey there, you alright?” he asked, his voice deep and his eyes comforting.

You blushed in embarrassment.

“I- I’m, yeah, sorry typically out of town girl. Thanks for saving me!” you chuckled, trying to reduce the awkwardness.

“Oh that’s alright. Be careful though. I’m Anthony, and you are?” he spoke, crossing his arms over his chest. He was fit, given he looked like he was in his late thirties.

Weird, you thought, why did all attractive men have to be way older than you were?

Anthony flashed a gorgeous smile at you. His tawny skin shining despite the gloomy weather.

“Y/n,” and after that, you had quite a lengthy conversation with him.

He told you about his job, a martial arts instructor. He asked you how come you were in NYC and you replied saying you needed to get away for a while because you were trying to forget something.

You exchanged numbers and promised to get coffee before you left to go back home.

After parting ways with Anthony, you shopped for the basics and decided that it was only this much you could carry in one go. You’d come back for more stuff if you needed.

You had spent a good hour in the store and when you got back to your car, you noticed that the black Audi was still in its spot.

Paranoia got the best of and you couldn’t help but feel a shiver down your spine. Would he really follow you though, when he could have any other women, why would he waste his time on you?

You tried shaking your disturbing thoughts and drove back to the house.

Once you placed all your stuff in the pantry, the day’s activities took a heavy toll on you. And after putting together a quick turkey sandwich, you decided to call it an early night.

Only, fate had other plans…

^^^

 He just sat there, in the dark, in her temporary bedroom. His trustee, shiny revolver was in his hand – not because he planned on using it, God no, he would never hurt his girl; but because holding it reminded him of who he truly was. And it was comforting.

He had followed her to the store, car parked not far from hers. She noticed, he believes, but she didn’t care. Why didn’t she care?

She looked good, he thought, she looked really good. He was proud that she was his, and he even had a smile on his face until he saw her talking to the tall dark dude.

He saw them through the glass panes and his jaw ticked. His hands itched as all he wanted to do was to smash that fucker’s face to the ground when he saw his hands on his girl.

He noticed that they exchanged numbers, and the fire inside him burned brighter, hotter with need. Need to get that fuck face out of the way. Need to have her under him and remind her who she belongs to. Need to remind her who he was.

But all he could do was wait. He waited for her to get out of the store and get back in her car. He noticed that she gave his car another puzzled look.

He smirked. His girl remembered him.

And now here he was, barged into her dad’s home and sat in the unlit bedroom, waiting for her. He toyed with his gun in his hands, the little light from the dark sky hitting the shiny metal as he sighed for the third time.

He was stalking her, he knew, but she was his. His alone.

A couple of minutes later, he heard her walking up the stairs, her soft thuds echoing off the walls of the empty house as his sinister smirk grew wider.

The bedroom door opened and in walked his babygirl. She hadn’t noticed him yet; given he was in the furthest and darkest corner of the room.

As soon as she walked in, she took her top off – closing the door with her foot. Then resumed to take her black jeans off as well, leaving her in her white set of underwear.

His eyes widen at the unexpected strip show, followed by a smirk as his pants grew tighter.

He watched as she picked up her clothes from the floor and threw them into the hamper and before she could turn around, she heard his voice.

^^^

 You took your clothes of and threw them carelessly into the hamper, you didn’t know why, but you could never sleep with clothes on. As you were turning around, you heard a husky voice speaking from behind you.

“Well that was quite a show, can’t say I’m even the slightest bit mad though, babygirl,” it said, and once it finished talking, your heart sank as if it were dropped into a bottomless pit.

You turned around completely and faced him.

He sat on the antique, blue velveteen cushioned chair like as if it was a throne he deserved. He looked powerful, majestic and if you weren’t half naked in front of him, maybe you’d stare at him longer.

You hurried in grabbing the closest thing to you to cover your body, turns out it was a jacket you had taken off earlier during the day.

You held the jacket in front of you as Sebastian rose up from his seat, and only then did you notice the gun in his hand. And the sight knocked the air out of you.

“That’s- what are you doing, here?” you asked, your voice came out sounding way weaker than you imagined it would. You sounded scared, because you were.  

He clicked his tongue, tossing the gun onto your bed and it bounced one time before settling right next to a pillow.

Sebastian walked towards your frightened frame, and with each step he took forward, you took one backwards. This pattern continued until your back touched the cold surface of the wooden door.

“Don’t hide from me. I’ve seen it all up close before, haven’t I? Now, I have questions for you, babygirl,” he spoke in a low voice; one filled with power and dominance and you looked up at him with your frightened eyes.

What do you do when a hot mob boss, also an one night stand from a day and a half ago suddenly shows up at your dad’s house?

Sebastian placed a hand right next to your head and looked you dead in the eyes with his blue ones. And despite your fear, you couldn’t help but be hypnotized by them.

“Once I was done with… my work, I was coming to find you again. But I was told you took off. Why did you run?” he asked and worry washed over you.

How the fuck did he know that? Who told him?

Seeing that you weren’t replying, he brought his lips to your neck. And lazily brushed them over your sweet spot, causing you to shiver at his touch. Involuntarily, you turned your head to the side and provided him with better access to your skin. He chuckled at your action as your face burned with embarrassment.

He placed feathery kisses all over your skin, no biting no teasing the skin – just his lips on your neck. The soft touches dragged breathy moans out of your mouth.

“See, your body remembers me, baby,” he whispered at the shell of your ear.

By now, your hands had let go of the jacket; which fell at your feet and your hands wrapped around his shoulders.

You shouldn’t be doing that, you thought. You shouldn’t like his touch or lean in for more. You shouldn’t be under his spell. But oh how you wanted to.

“You lied, you- you said you worked with influential people. But you don’t, you…,” your voice trailed off as he traced your trembling lips with the tip of the shiny metallic barrel of the gun in his hands.

He did that while staring intently into your soul, while your words came to a halt as soon as the cold metal came in contact with your body.

He wouldn’t, would he? He wouldn’t kill you, right?

“I’m what? Say it,” he urged darkly. His words laced with authority and lust.

“You’re the mob boss everyone talks about. You’re the Sebastian Stan, you’re…,” you words stopped again as you felt his fingers wrapped around your throat.

He didn’t choke you to a point where it was uncomfortable. He just wanted you to know that you were at his mercy, to a point where even your breath was his.

He smirked when he saw a damp spot forming at the center of your underwear, turning the white material slightly transparent.

So, his girl was kinky, huh?

Your wrists immediately wrapped themselves around his arm, involuntarily urging him to keep his hand there, at your throat. And he liked that.

“I’m what, babe?” he whispered again, resting the tip of the barrel against your left cheek. Indirectly causing to select your words carefully, very carefully.

“You’re…dangerous,” you simply said and he chuckled out loud. Despite the possible humor, you sensed the menace in his voice.

“Oh babygirl, I’m more than just dangerous. But you know I won’t ever hurt you, I can’t. I always protect what’s mine, and you’re mine. You’re safe with me. Just, don’t run from me,” he spoke, hand still gripping your throat lightly and the barrel of his gun still pressed to your cheek.

It could be the rush of the moment, or it could be fear, or the reflexive lust coursing in your veins; but somehow you sensed the presence of validity in his words. Although very much aware that it could simply be your delusional mind’s thought, your fear morphed into something else.

A familiar want. A raw desire which only seemed to surface when you’re with him. His mysterious aura, the electricity in his touch, the pure sin which dripped from his words – they all caused a magnetic pull which drew you to him. And despite it all, you couldn’t ignore the fact that you wanted him.

Memories of the last time he had touched your body resurfaced in your head and it accelerated the flow of passion which pooled into your underwear.

“Why?” it seemed like you directed the question more towards yourself than to him.

“Why what?” he asked back, tilting his head to the side slightly.

“You barely know me. Why would you follow me all the way here?” you asked, oblivious to the exchange which happened between him and Chris.

He let out a sigh and smiled.

“If only you knew, babygirl, if only you knew,” he spoke and released your throat, putting the gun by his side as he pulled you forward with one hand.

He dragged you to your bed and pushed you on it; onto which you landed with a bounce in a sitting position.

While you sat, weirdly calm, on the edge of the bed; he stood in between your legs and looked down upon you.

You wouldn’t lie, he looked better from that angle… fuck!

“I told you to stay safe. Daddy told you he’d be back for you, then why did you have to run? Do you know how angry I was to learn that my babygirl was disobeying?” he held your jaw gently in his hands.

It seemed like he wanted to be harsh on you, but something stopped him. He didn’t want to scare you; well he barged into your room with a gun, but you could tell that that wasn’t his intention.

His babygirl…

You were all for women not having to be treated like objects belonging to men, but damn did that turn you on.

It seemed like you could no longer control your body; because at this point, it listened to him just like your mind was under his enchantment.

You wanted to say something, anything. But you couldn’t. So you let him to the talking.

“And now she won’t even apologize! You really need to be put in line baby. Tell me, do you trust me?” he asked, bending down so he was on eye level with you. His thumb caressed your face gently as he spoke.

His stormy blue ones staring into your shining e/c ones. His eyes reminded you of a thunder storm over a rough deep blue sea; tempting but vulnerable.

Unable to speak, you simply nodded as anticipation occupied your mind. The mixture of recklessness, fear, lust and mystery made your heart race as you felt the heavy sexual tension in the air wrapped around the both of you.

“That’s my good girl, now lay down, hands over your head and close your eyes. Don’t open then or move until I tell you to, got it?” he instructed and waited for your reply, all while searching your eyes.

You nodded again and he smiled as he watched you follow the instructions he gave you. You almost immediately positioned yourself flat in the bed, closed your eyes and put your wrists above your head and kept them there.

Your other senses heightened instinctively and you could hear him walk around the room; opening drawers and closing them with a slam. Each sound made you jump a little but you didn’t dare to open your eyes just the slightest.

“You know, I’ve waited for a girl like you all my life. Won’t lie to you, doll, I’ve had a generous share of women in my bed. But none of them ever made me chase them like you do. When I first saw you, across the pub, for just a second a glimpse of our future flashed in front of my eyes. I saw myself coming home to you after a long day, I saw you with a beautiful bump, and my baby safe inside your womb. I saw us, doll. And from that moment I knew that you’d be mine, whatever it took,” he spoke, narrating his thoughts while he walked around the room, checking the drawers and closets.

He walked slowly, like as if he had all the time in the world and more, as he told you about his reveries. Part of it made you anxious and part of it didn’t.

A future with him seemed-

Your thoughts halted abruptly as you felt his hands on your body.

Sebastian ran his fingers along your thighs and left feathery kisses along your inner thighs. His mouth seemed so close to your heat yet so far.

Soon, he hooked his fingers to the seam of your underwear and dragged it down your legs until he got rid of it. Once done with that, you felt him straddle your lower body, trapping your legs in between his thighs and locking them in place.

“Your beauty amazes me baby,” he whispered as you felt him reach around your torso to unhook your bra and lift the material off your body.

Right after he did that, his lips found yours and caught them in a deep kiss. His skilled tongue found its way into your mouth as he occasionally sucked and bit on your lower lip.

His hand held your face while he assaulted your lips and bit around your mouth to mark his territory. You didn’t complain, not even once. Instead, you moaned into his mouth over and over again.

Your body squirmed, your back lifted off the bed just the slightest bit before he pushed you back into the mattress, breaking the kiss.

“Sebastian, please,” you moaned. Wrong move. And you learnt so by feeling a smack on your thigh.

You let out a whimper, but the burn felt good. And you wanted more but you wouldn’t tell the gorgeous man just yet.

“Somebody just can’t help but misbehave, right?” he spoke and right after he finished, you heard something click. Like a pen would.

After which, you heard nothing else. And Sebastian was silent as well.

Why would he do with a pen? You thought.

Moments later, a sweet, aromatic air filled the room. You took a deep breath through your nose to analyze the scent better and came to the conclusion that it was probably one of the Vanilla and white chocolate scented candles your dad’s wife wouldn’t stop talking about.

But why would Sebastian u-

Your rational thoughts came to a stop yet again as you felt a drop of a hot liquid fall right above your belly button. Instinctively, your back arched off the bed and you let an uncontrolled moan escaped your lips.

It burned, but it felt good. Again.

As another drop of melted wax hit your skin, you simultaneously felt the faint brush of cold fingers against your glistening folds.

“You’re always so ready for me, aren’t you? Such a good girl,” Sebastian commented and moved his hands faster against your needy core as the candle kept dripping on your skin.

He must have moved the candle upwards, because you felt the wax drip down the valley of your breasts and you couldn’t help but moan out loud.

“Daddy…please,” you moaned, your eyes shut, hands behind your head, legs trapped beneath his robust body and his hands all over you. You were the epitome of helpless. And he liked the sight of that.

He slowly traced your dripping entrance with his finger and chuckled.

“Please what, baby?” he asked as if unaware of the sweet misery he was inflicting upon you.

“I- I need you to touch me, daddy please,” you pleaded, with your eyes shut as you tried to pick up the sounds of his next movements but none came.

His fingers found their way in between your folds and into your tight entrance. And each time he pumped his two fingers into your wet heat, the filthy sounds it made caused your heat to drip even more.

“Daddy, please make me cum,” you whined again, turning you head to the side so your arm would muffle the sound of the moan which escaped your mouth.

He clicked his tongue.

“Not yet, babygirl. Daddy’s not done with you yet,” he spoke.

He rocked his fingers in and out of you at a pace so slow that it was almost painful. He was not gonna let you cum just like that; he wanted you to literally beg him for it.

He kept the candle above you, moving it inch by inch all over your torso and abdomen. It seemed like he was making a specific pattern but in the moment, you couldn’t figure out what it was.

Hot, melted wax dripped down your body; mimicking the drips of your desire as it flowed out of your and coated his fingers.

He adjusted his body as he straddled you and soon, you could feel a growing bulge against your thigh.

You lost all control of your senses when he allowed the melted wax to drop on top of your hip bone. A slow and passionate moan escaped your lips.

Hot, fiery; similar to your need to have him inside you.

“You are so beautiful, my princess. Daddy will always, always take care of you,” he spoke softly; a complete contrast to what he was doing to your body.

A few more specific drops of melted wax later, he seemed to have doused the candle and set it aside as he lifted off your body; for a brief moment.

You whined because of the loss of contact, and mainly because he got you so worked up only to not let you cum yet.

You heard the shuffling of his suit and a few seconds later, he brought his attention back to you.

His hands roamed your body, caressing your breasts, rubbing his hands up and down your arms while his lips attached to yours once again.

His kiss was slow and steady this time; he was in no rush. You felt each stroke of his tongue, each brush of his lips and each tug by his teeth. It was pure bliss.

He broke the kiss and dragged his lips down your body, until he reached your core.

He groaned as he allowed his lips to faintly brush against your wet folds.

“All wet and waiting for me, you’re very needy, aren’t you? Open your eyes, baby,” he spoke against your wet core, his warm breath hitting the damp surface and driving crazy with need.

You opened your eyes and noticed that he had dimmed the lights of the room, the air still smelled like vanilla and chocolate and as you looked down your body, you saw the now hard wax drops scattered all over your body; from your breasts to your hip bones. A sinful masterpiece created by the blue eyed man in front of you.

Sebastian had taken off his suit and shirt, leaving him in his black pants; which were now unzipped.

“Come here,” he said softly and you dragged your body until you sat on the edge of the bed once again. You knew what was coming, but you wanted to hear it from him.

“You’re gonna take daddy’s cock into your pretty mouth, yeah? You’re gonna let daddy use your mouth, aren’t you, doll?” he asked and you nodded in response embarrassingly fast, as you looked up at him with your glossy e/c eyes.

Once he placed his hand on your face, holding it gently – you got to work immediately.

You got on your knees in front of him and pulled down his pants while palmed his bulge through his briefs and he let out a groan and gripped your face tighter in his hand.

“Don’t tease me, babygirl, it’s not gonna end well for you,” he informed you as his hand moved to your hair, making a makeshift ponytail to hold on to.

You pulled down his briefs and his member excitedly stood in front of your face. You wasted no time in taking him into your mouth. Your tongue traced his slit a couple of times and you noticed that whenever you did, he’d buck his hips forward and let out a breathy moan.

You had never been with someone as big as him, so taking him completely into your mouth was slightly difficult. You took him into your wet cave inch by inch and as you did, his breathing got quicker.

You felt his length twitch inside your mouth and you felt the prominent vein press against your tongue as you bobbed your head up and down his member.  

His tip reached the furthest part of your mouth and you realized that you managed to take all of him, and damn he was big.

“Fuck! Baby, your mouth feels so- so good,” he moaned as he tugged on your hair. Hearing him moan was the hottest thing you had ever heard. Of course, you had given blowjobs to past lovers, but this was different.

This wasn’t just a regular guy. This was THE mob boss; most notorious one the country had ever known. You knew people who were truly terrified of his power. He was a well-known, cold hearted criminal. His reputation, his pride and his dominance; they all preceded him.

Yet, here he was; a moaning mess with your mouth wrapped around him.

As he moaned, your core throbbed even more and you wanted nothing more than to just press your two fingers against your clit and alleviate your pain but you knew better.

He moaned your name a few times, and which each time; you worshipped his length more and more, hollowing you cheeks to suck him off better.

Within the next few moments, he held your hair tighter and bucked his hips against your mouth a little faster; fucking your mouth and also signaling that his orgasm was close. His cock twitched in your mouth again as you felt the salty precum trickle down your throat slowly.

Once his length throbbed again, you gave him one last suction and felt his load shoot into your mouth. The taste of him, along with your heat throbbing with need was a deadly combination.

You watched him as the feeling of pure bliss washed over him, his eyes rolled back and his head fell back as he came, hard.

Slowly, you lifted your mouth off him; giving his slit one last lick.

He groaned as his orgasm washed over him and pulled harder on your hair, looking down at you. You were on your knees, hands on your lap and a smirk on your lips. Lips which were wrapped around him just a few seconds.

God…you were a sight. And you were all his.

He pulled you up and threw you back on the bed.

“On all fours, baby. Now,” he instructed and you happily obeyed; your heat was clenching with need and nothing else mattered in that moment.

You got on all fours and waited for him. He stroked his length a couple of times as he watched you on the bed. So innocent, yet so sinful.

You waited for him to slide his length into you but instead came his hand, smacking you right on your ass.

“Ouch!” you yelled at the unexpected pain.

He smacked your left butt cheeks again and you yelled out again. It hurt, but it lowkey turned you on even more, although, your core was now throbbing even more than before. And Sebastian knew.

He gave you two more spanks and immediately massaged the skin. He smiled as he saw the stretch marks on your skin; it reminded him of how much more he would add when you’d be expecting his baby one day. The thought of you being thoroughly his was enchanting.

“Does it hurt, baby? Well now you know how much it hurt me when I found out you were running away from me,” he spoke as he spanked you one more time, followed by a bite on your ass.

You moaned out loud again.

“Daddy please,” you whined as another smack landed on your ass. It would probably leave a mark, you though. Maybe even a hand print.

“Beg,” he simply said and you groaned. He already had you completely at his mercy, what more did he want? Jesus!

“Seb, please! I’m sorry, just- just fuck me, daddy please. It hurts,” you moaned, accidentally calling him by a new nickname.

Seb… no one ever called him that. No one but-

He stopped himself before even thinking about that name.

Normally, he’d have the head of anyone who called him by that name. But since it came from you, he liked it. He liked it a lot.

He liked it so much that he decided that he had teased you enough for today.

“Come here, babe,” he whispered and pulled you up and rolled you over so you laid down flat on the bed with his body settled in between your legs.

When your sore ass made contact with the cotton sheets, it burned even more. But you didn’t care, you wanted him, and that’s all that mattered.

When you looked up at his body hovering above you, a tear escaped you eye. You didn’t know if it was because of the built up sexual frustration, the lust in your veins, or just the fact that your emotions were creating a ruckus inside your head.

Sebastian ran his thumb over your cheek and caught the tear before it fell further down your cheek. He hated it, he hated the sight of his girl crying.

But he knew he could make it better.

He captured your lips into a deep kiss and allowed your hands to wrap around his broad shoulders. You pulled him closer, until his chest pressed against your erected nipples and he moaned into the kiss. Nothing felt better than having you under him, under his control.

His tongue slipped through your lips and it stroked the top of your mouth.

You moaned into the kiss and he gently bit your mouth.

His lips travelled to your sweet spot and he assaulted the sensitive skin mercilessly; compelling you into becoming a whimpering hot mess under his touch.

While he left even more marks across your neck, he aligned his tip to your heat and gave it a slight push to slide it through your glistening heat.

Once your walls took him in little by little, the familiar bubble formed inside the two of you.

“Fuck, you’re so warm babygirl,” he moaned into your ear and your back arched off the bed once more as he filled you up entirely.

He kept still, not moving and you felt his cock throbbing inside of you. Your walls wrapped around him perfectly and as you moaned, he understood that you were well adjusted to his size now and took it as a cue to start moving in and out of you slowly.

He started out slow, and then gradually set the speed so both your body moved rhythmically against one another; giving each other a better angle at which you could feel all of him.

And you did.

He filled you up nicely and within seconds, you were a moaning mess.

“Seb! Fuck I- oh fuck, daddy please,” you whined against his cheeks, signaling that you couldn’t hold it much longer given your previous activities.

You felt his ragged breath right at you ear and he chuckled, rocking against you at a much faster speed now.

“I know, baby. I know,” he spoke and ended with a groan and he wrapped his arms around your torso and lifted your back off the bed a little bit.

You moaned as he hit your g-spot with each thrust in this position. A series of cuss words left both your mouths as you basked into each other’s presence.

You opened your eyes to look at him and his eyes were closed as he frowned in pleasure. You moaned out loud when one of his hand slipped in between both of you and rubbed your little bundle of nerves furiously.

“Cum for me, doll. Cum for daddy like the good girl you are,” he urged you and you happily obeyed once again.

You both knew you wouldn’t last long so as soon as he finished speaking, you let go. Yelling out his name and a few cuss words in the process; you came around him.

Your walls milked in relentlessly and soon, he came as well. His load shooting your warm walls and you could feel him leaking out of you as he slowly pulled out.

You were both breathing hard and fast, hearts racing and he rolled off you and settled by your side. A layer of sweat coated both your bodies; your ass cheeks were stinging due to the friction and the wax was still on your skin. And Sebastian just laid next to you, silently with his eyes closed and his lips parted slightly.

As you looked at him, a strange feeling took over. And the butterflies came back.

You inched closer to him and sheepishly rested your head on top of his chest. You placed your ear right on top of his racing heart and listened intently at the heartbeats.

Once he felt your head on top of his chest, he smiled and instinctively wrapped his arms around you. He discretely placed a kiss on top of your head and relished the feeling of having his girl in his arms.

“Not so dangerous now, am I?” he teased and you smiled, blushing.

I am naked in bed with a mob boss in my dad’s house, expect the unexpected indeed.

“I didn’t run from you,” you said out of nowhere and his silence signaled that he was listening.

His hand rubbed your shoulder and urged you to keep going.

“I ran from what I was feeling. I- it’s not you. It’s just, I don’t know, people talk you know. And even in the little town where I’m from, they talk about what you do. I’ve heard the stories about you when I was in college, a friend of mine cancelled her trip to Amsterdam only because she found out that you were currently there. People are scared of you, and I thought I should be too. So, I took off,” you explained and he listened without interrupting.

“I won’t hurt you,” came his reply to what you just said.

You didn’t know what to say, or feel. So, you kept quiet.

After a while of just cuddling and listening to each other’s heartbeat, you decided to take a shower together. After which, you cleaned the room and got in bed for the night.

“You’re mine,” Sebastian whispered into your ear.

You smiled despite the mixed feelings about this whole situation. Right after he spoke, his phone rang. He picked it up from the floor and groaned when he saw the caller ID.

“I’ll be right back, doll, gotta talk to these a-holes or else they’ll turn my world upside down with their stupidity,” he explained and walked out the room, leaving you in bed.

As soon as he walked out, your phone rang.

Weird, you thought, who would call you at almost midnight?

You stared at your phone screen and it said that it was an unknown number. If it were a few days ago, you would have ignored the call, but now that you’ve slept with the mob boss himself – nothing scared you and nothing seemed dangerous anymore.

You decided to take the call.

“Hello?” you spoke and immediately froze.

“Hello? Honey, its dad! Listen, peanut, this may sound terrifying but trust me, please. Okay, honey, I need to get out of the house. Right now. It’s not safe. Get your things and get out, now. There’s a black Range waiting in the driveway, it’s unlocked and inside there’s an address. I need you to get to that address. Please, honey, get there and I’ll explain everything. Okay? I love you more than anything, my darling. Please be safe, I’m waiting for you,” and with that, he ended the call.

Your heart raced at his words. What could this mean? Did your dad find out about Sebastian? How?

What the fuck is happening? You thought.

You could hear Sebastian barking orders at someone in French yet again, and from the sound of it, it seemed like he was in the kitchen downstairs.

So, if you were to grab your unpacked bags and make a run for it through the bedroom window, he wouldn’t hear a thing.

Between Sebastian and your dad, you trusted your dad better. But why did it feel wrong to run away from him again?

Okay, fuck this shit. If dad said something’s wrong, then something’s wrong!

 So you scribbled a note to Sebastian, slipped your shoes on, grabbed your bag and stepped out the window. The jump wasn’t that high, you would make it.

So you made the jump. Along which, you made a grave mistake.

The mob boss just wanted your attention and your love. He wanted you to know that you were his. He wanted to give you the world. But now, he’d have to hunt you down and make sure you never run again. Because like he said before; he will always want you back.

This series’ tag list: (feel free to let me know if anyone else wants to tagged in future parts)

@crawlingnightmares @derekxsammy @coffees-and-constellations @josie605 @someone-i-use-to-know @enigma-xlii @fromtheheartandsoul @docharleythegeekqueen @nostagicgrant @undiscovered-misunderstood @moowaa-us @flipflopasshat @finallysomegoodfuckingcontent @spideyxxboi @everything-is-awesomesauce @fangirl-writer-awesomeness @euphoricbuckys @keepcalmandsosayweall @naurin-of-the-east @hadou-queen @a-kiddo-with-a-doggo @theunknowinglys @toinfinityandbeyondaffection @nerdytarah @purplechipsblog @bxxbxy @loving-barnes @msruchita @abehn @varvarafromgr @thehuntress26 @nojerama1996 @namebydot @carlya65 @mattmurdocksbitch @mustbeaweasleyginger @otakushifter @parker-barnes-af @ladifreakingda @nerdeey @airloe @studentville-struggles @yikes-buckybarnes 

sorry if Tumblr didn’t let me tag you :(  and i apologize for any typos, it’s midnight but i posted because i love all my horny ballsacks!! 

[bloody-bee-tea]

Untamed Winter Fest Day 3

Goodwill

Meng Yao watches Lan Xichen play for Nie Mingjue, and he thinks it would be so easy, so very easy, to twist that song into something else.

He already has the necessary music sheets safely tucked away in his room back in Jinlingtai, knows how he would weave the song of turmoil into Clarity, to form one masterfully crafted murder weapon and use it on Nie Mingjue.

He knows about the problems of the Nie clan, knows their sabers are killing them slowly, and sometimes all at once, and he has seen the signs in Nie Mingjue. It’s especially pronounced when he’s emotional, his qi deviating more quickly every time he gets angry or annoyed and Lan Xichen has to come by more often to play him the song.

It would be so easy. 

Meng Yao would offer to Lan Xichen to learn the song, so he can take over from time to time for him. Lan Xichen is running himself down, Meng Yao can see it, fulfilling his duties as a sect leader and flying to Qinghe to tend to Nie Mingjue. It would be a welcome relieve for him, if Meng Yao stepped in, and Lan Xichen would trust him to play Clarity to the best of his abilities, providing for Nie Mingjue the same as Lan Xichen does.

And it would be so, so easy to use that trust and twist it around, use it against Nie Mingjue and finally give him what he deserves.

But Meng Yao can’t do it.

It grates him to know that it’s only Lan Xichen’s goodwill who convinced Nie Mingjue to even take him on as a sworn brother, but he sees the way Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue look at each other, sees how worried Lan Xichen is for Nie Mingjue, and Meng Yao could never hurt Lan Xichen like that.

His love and respect for Lan Xichen far outweighs the hate he harbors for Nie Mingjue and his previous treatment of Meng Yao.

When Lan Xichen vanishes his guqin and makes to leave, he expects Meng Yao to follow him, like he always does, but Nie Mingjue calls them back.

“I need to have a word with Meng Yao,” he tells Lan Xichen, not even asking Meng Yao himself for permission, and he deliberately doesn’t use the new name Meng Yao chose for himself.

Not that Meng Yao is going to start an argument over that; he still isn’t used to Jin Guangyao himself, doesn’t feel like the name fits him at all, but it’s too late to turn back on it now.

His father would never let him live it down.

“Mingjue,” Lan Xichen mildly says, and he seems worried; knows about the never-ending friction between Nie Mingjue and Meng Yao, and so far he has been very good about never letting them alone together.

Maybe it’s time they finally hash this out between them.

“It’s okay,” Meng Yao tells him, resting a reassuring hand on Lan Xichen’s arm, and he’s acutely aware of the sharp glare Nie Mingjue sends him. “We’ll just have a talk and I’ll see you next week.”

Lan Xichen continues to hesitate, looking back at Nie Mingjue and having a whole silent conversation with him like it seems.

Meng Yao tries to not let that sting; he knows Lan Xichen had to fight Nie Mingjue to even make him consider Meng Yao as a sworn brother, and he’s still not sure why Nie Mingjue even agreed.

Sure, Meng Yao killed Wen Ruohan, but both Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen are accomplished fighters; something Meng Yao will never be, no matter how many people he kills through subverted ploys.

Meng Yao isn’t exactly sure why Lan Xichen himself wanted him as a sworn brother, can only imagine that he feels like he has to repay Meng Yao for saving him and playing his part in the Sunshot Campaign, but it’s a thought Meng Yao doesn’t like to dwell on.

Lan Xichen finally nods, and turns around to leave them alone, and when Meng Yao turns back towards Nie Mingjue, he wishes Lan Xichen had insisted Meng Yao leaves with him.

Meng Yao is sure that if Nie Mingjue had the power to kill with just a glare, he would drop dead immediately.

“What can I help you with, da-ge?” he asks, falling into the appropriate bow, knowing full well that it will enrage Nie Mingjue further, and he only scoffs at him.

“Stop with the charade,” Nie Mingjue tells him. “I see how you watch Lan Xichen, I know what you want from him.”

Meng Yao goes cold at that, because if Nie Mingjue knows, then Lan Xichen knows as well. Meng Yao doubts that there’s anything Nie Mingjue wouldn’t tell Lan Xichen. And since he doesn’t act any different around Meng Yao, it’s as good as a rejection.

“What do you want?” Meng Yao asks, noticeably colder than before and Nie Mingjue actually seems pleased at that.

“I want you to stop your goddamn scheming and instead pull your head out of your ass and consider who you’re actually hurting with it,” Nie Mingjue tells him and Meng Yao can do nothing but stare at him.

Nie Mingjue regards him for a few moments before he stands up, and starts to circle Meng Yao. It puts their height difference into sharp display and Meng Yao feels exactly as small as he is, compared to Nie Mingjue.

“You know why I am so angry about you killing the head of the guard? And the implication behind the missing Xue Yang?” Nie Mingjue wants to know and Meng Yao’s mind starts to spin. 

If Nie Mingjue knows that he let Xue Yang go, Meng Yao is done for.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Meng Yao still tries, because he has to. “I didn’t let Xue Yang go.”

“And you would do good to remember that, too,” Nie Mingjue tells him. “Because you know who would be hurt the most by learning about this? Lan Xichen.”

Meng Yao continues to turn with the still walking Nie Mingjue but he narrows his eyes.

“I don’t understand,” he tells him, trying to get a real explanation from him and Nie Mingjue stops briefly before he laughs.

“You truly don’t, do you. How does that feel, to finally not know?” he wants to know and Meng Yao has to push down on the rising hate in him. 

He can’t hurt Nie Mingjue. It would make Lan Xichen sad.

“There it is,” Nie Mingjue says with a small smile. “That’s the thought you need to remember.”

“What do you mean?”

“It would hurt Xichen,” Nie Mingjue says, and like always when Nie Mingjue uses that all too familiar name, something constricts in Meng Yao’s chest.

“You think I’m angry that you killed someone, but I’m not, not really. I saw how he treated you and honestly, I was just waiting for you to snap. But do you know how Xichen would feel when he finds out about that?”

“You didn’t tell him yet?” Meng Yao asks and he can barely believe it. 

He thought Nie Mingjue would spill the beans to Lan Xichen almost immediately.

“Are you stupid? Did you not hear a word I just said? Xichen wouldn’t understand, he’s too good for that, it would just hurt him, knowing that you killed someone for a personal slight,” Nie Mingjue snaps and then takes a deep breath before he goes on. “He hasn’t stopped talking about you since I sent you to the Cloud Recesses with Huaisang. I’m not going to shatter the image he has of you, but if you keep going on like this, I’ll have to to protect him from more pain.” Meng Yao can do nothing but stare at him, and Nie Mingjue scoffs, shaking his head.

“You think you’re so clever and yet you see nothing. Do you think everyone is stupid? I know you’re going for your father next. You hate him too much to just let him go. But if I were you, I would think long and hard about that, because Xichen might be too good for this world, but he’s not stupid and even he has a breaking point. And if you reach that, if you break him, I will kill you.”

“I won’t,” Meng Yao says, because has he not already overthrown his plan for Nie Mingjue, just because it would kill Lan Xichen to see his sworn brother dead? He knows better than to cause that kind of pain to Lan Xichen.

“If you love him--and I know you do, don’t even deny it--then you’ll do something useful with all your scheming and wit.”

“Like with Wen Ruohan?” Meng Yao asks, because it’s easier than to admit that he does, in fact, love Lan Xichen.

“Exactly like that.”

Meng Yao considers that for a few seconds and then tilts his head.

“But not Wei Wuxian,” he slowly says, “because Lan Wangji loves him and will stand with him. It would put Lan Xichen in a painful position.”

“Good,” Nie Mingjue agrees, and it should grate, his condescending tone should make Meng Yao plan his murder all too soon, but instead he finds that it soothes something in him, his approval.

“But Jin Guangshan--”

“Needs to be observed. I doubt the clans will follow him much further if he continues like this. But his nephew, what’s his name? Jin Zixun? He’s dangerous.”

“And he hates Wei Wuxian,” Meng Yao agrees. “And Jin Guangshan is afraid of Wei Wuxian. It’s a bad combination,” he muses and Nie Mingjue nods.

“Are you enabling me to kill right now?” Meng Yao asks, keeping a close eye on Nie Mingjue, who rolls his eyes at him.

“I’m enabling you to remember that Xichen should be your first priority, and that there can be a good way to use your head. And I’m reminding you that, if you should do anything to hurt him, I will have your head for it.”

“Understood,” Meng Yao says.

He feels lighter than he has in months, knowing that someone sees him for what he really is and still accepts him, and maybe even has his back, is an entirely new feeling to him.

He bows to Nie Mingjue, this time sincerely paying his respects to the other, and then turns around to leave.

He’s already at the door when Nie Mingjue speaks up again.

“And if you really, honestly have to kill someone just for the heck of it, I would start with the disciple who told the Wens all about the secrets of the Cloud Recesses.”

Meng Yao freezes in his steps, because that’s a name he has tried to get out of Lan Xichen the whole time they were on the run.

“Tell me,” he demands.

“He goes by Su She now,” Nie Mingjue tells him and Meng Yao allows himself a smile.

“You kept tabs on him.”

“He betrayed Xichen. Of course I did.”

Nie Mingjue might love Lan Xichen differently than Meng Yao does, but he doesn’t doubt for a second that Nie Mingjue would kill anyone who dared to hurt Lan Xichen, Meng Yao included. 

“I’m looking forward to working together with you,” Meng Yao says over his shoulder and Nie Mingjue laughs.

“As long as you remember the most important thing,” he gives back.

“Lan Xichen,” Meng Yao replies and sees Nie Mingjue nod from the corner of his eyes.

Meng Yao opens the door, ready to leave, now that he has a new goal, and steps outside, only to find Lan Xichen waiting for him outside.

“Did you eavesdrop?” Meng Yao asks, stomach already dropping to his knees, but Lan Xichen shakes his head.

Of course he wouldn’t eavesdrop. 

“I stayed close, in case you two decided to use something else than words,” he explains and gives Meng Yao an apologetic smile. “But it looks like my worry was unfounded.”

“We reached an understanding,” Meng Yao told him and fell into step next to Lan Xichen. “There is nothing for you to worry about. I know the friction between us grated on you but da-ge and I agree on the important things.”

“That’s good then,” Lan Xichen says with a relieved smile. “I don’t want you two to fight all the time.”

“We won’t, no worries,” Meng Yao says and puts a hand on his arm, trying to reassure him with more than just his words and his heart beats heavily in his chest when Lan Xichen leans into the contact and gives him a blinding smile.

Nie Mingjue is right. Protecting Lan Xichen, keeping him happy, is the most important thing and Meng Yao is glad Nie Mingjue managed to remind him of that before Meng Yao did something unforgivable.

[curewhimsy]

Symphony Saga World info dump

For a friend to read.

In Symphony Saga: Resonate, the main characters are all around the teenage years, and some OCs will show up as UTAU characters. For example, Reisei will be Reisei Kiyone. Rhona Aequor, who already has an UTAU voice, will be a character as well.

Ok so the Haku and Neru part starts out really jarring but I like stories where characters escape an awful life to find happiness. And this part symbolizes escaping turmoil and finding peace.

———

HAKU AND NERU’S STORY

December 1st.

Haku and Neru are two misunderstood, troubled 16-year-old students who meet at lunch. They both have autism and are ostracized for it. Haku shows Neru her stuffed kitten Snowbell, and they bond and talk about nice things.

There was pizza for lunch, but it ran out because the bullies pushed Haku and Neru to the end of the line. Haku and Neru had to eat nasty asparagus coleslaw casserole.

Everyone starts talking about Haku and Neru and teasing them.

Bullies start sticking Neru with needles during her walk to gym class.

In gym class, Neru can’t walk far because the lunch upset her stomach. During the 5-mile marathon outside that the boot camp teacher made the class do, Neru lags behind in the rain.

The rain turns into a thunderstorm while Neru is outside. The entire school loses electricity during this time. Meanwhile, Haku has a breakdown in math class because she thinks about her grandmother’s death, and has to go to the counselor’s office alone in the dark. And the school is big and even scarier in the dark. Haku then trips and falls down the stairs.

Neru ends her school day in the nurse’s office, and getting painful rubbing alcohol being put in where bullies sticked her with needles. The counselor’s office is nearby, and they see each other there.

Haku and Neru meet again after school, and decide to run away. Haku’s mother is always late home from work, and Haku’s dad is nowhere to be found. Haku’s mother is very neglectful and Haku is convinced her mother wouldn’t miss her. Meanwhile, Neru is an orphan and lives with her mean grandmother.

Haku and Neru pack away their important things and run away to the mall where they find a secret room with a magical mirror that transports them to the magical world of Whimsica, in the town of Speckle Town. After stepping through the mirror, Haku’s plush cat Snowbell comes to life.

They are sent out through another mirror that is in Whimsica. This portal is a one-way portal, meaning they cannot go back through the mirror to get back to Earth.

The mirror is located in a wooded area in Speckle Town.

Snowbell, who is now alive, jumps from Haku’s arms and begins to wander off.

Haku and Neru follow after Snowbell and notice a very magical feel about the woods. They eventually make their way out of the forest and into Teto’s bakery.

But I literally cannot think about what happens next.

———

MORE DETAILS

Haku remembers her older half brother Dell from when she was a toddler. Dell would always comfort Haku when she cried, and was warm and kind. Dell would protect Haku when her parents fought. One day, Haku’s parents went through a bitter divorce. Her father took Dell with him and left Haku alone with her mother. Haku was 6 years old, and Dell was 7. Haku never saw Dell again.

Now in Whimsica, 10 years later, 16-year-old Haku finds out that Dell, now 17, is part of the evil organization on planet Monochrome, along with his father. Dell is now cold-hearted, sinister, and malicious. Everyone hates him. Haku is heartbroken at how her brother changed. However, she feels inside that this is not the real Dell. Haku feels that their awful father must’ve pressured Dell to turn to the dark side.

When Haku was 7 years old, she was introduced to her 5-year-old cousin, Miku Hatsune, to heal from the pain of losing her father and Dell. Haku and Miku got along and played together until Haku was 10 and Miku was 8. Then, Miku and her mother mysteriously moved away, vanishing without a trace...

6 years later, the two reunite in Whimsica.

———

THE UTAU CREW’S ADVENTURES

Uta Utane (AKA Defoko,) 14 years old, is an artificial humanoid from a dystopian planet where music is banned and kept a secret by the government. This planet mass-produces androids. This planet is at war with another dystopian planet and they both produce androids for the purpose for fighting the war. Due to a manufacturing error, the one of the “Default female-1” (codenamed “Defoko”) androids ended up significantly more sentient. She hated the war and fighting, so she rebelled. Defoko feels very depressed and empty about her life, and hates being a machine. She uses her advanced aerospace engineering intellect to build a spacecraft that can flee from the planet unnoticed, and arrives at the magical world of Whimsica where things are better on December 3rd. She changes her name to Uta Utane, after some kanji she saw on the sign of a karaoke cafe around her new home.

(*Uta chose to name herself after kanji from the cafe, because the musical sounds coming from the building made her feel something “warm and poignant.” The night when she visited the cafe, Taya and his friend Ritsu were inside, having a session of singing karaoke. Taya was singing a solo in attempt to get over his shyness. The sound Uta fell in love with was actually Taya’s singing voice.)

Uta begins living alone in a small, worn-down apartment. She gets a part-time job repairing computers to make ends meet.

Uta describes herself as being self-aware, but lacking the ability to feel euphoria. (Think of it as a sort of depression.) She wishes she were a “real girl” so she could feel this emotion. Despite this, Uta is a very kind, considerate, wisecracking, and compassionate spirit.

Uta enrolls herself in the local magical high school. It is a very, very strange school.

On her first day at school, Uta‘s first period class is cooking class. She ends up making everything explode. She doesn’t feel like she fits in. On her way to her second-period class, Uta ends up meeting Taya Soune, her shy 15-year-old classmate.

Taya is very late to class because a mean girl named Tei threw his monocle in the big wishing well and ran off, leaving Taya having to change into his wetsuit, dive in the well and find his monocle, and then go back to the dressing room and change back into his suit and tie outfit. Uta meanwhile is wandering the chaotic hallways of the school, completely lost.

Sometimes in Adventure Academy, when class is in session and students are supposed to be in class, there is a small chance of a monster spawning in the hallways. If a student needs to visit the bathroom or walk down the hall for any reason during a class session, a hall pass can protect students from these monsters.

A monster ends up spawning in the hall as Uta and Taya cross paths. It’s six feet tall and looks like a cross between a penguin, bear, and snake. And it has lots of neon spikes. Neither Taya or Uta have a hall pass on them, so it attacks them!

In Whimsica, monsters are creatures with no souls that typically do nothing but cause destruction. They are mostly made of negative emotions.

Taya may have some magic, but isn’t very good at fighting, so Uta uses her epic android powers to defeat the monster.

When monsters in Whimsica are defeated, they sometimes drop various kinds of items. The monster drops game tickets to use in the arcade. Uta doesn’t know what they are.

Taya thanks Uta profusely for defeating the monster. He is in awe of the new student’s powers and asks where she is from. Uta is very shy, which Taya doesn’t expect since she is so good in battle. She has a quiet voice that sounds monotone and a bit artificial. Uta finally spits out that she is an android from space. Taya realizes Uta may be sensitive about this, so he vows to try and keep this secret.

Taya tells Uta his name and begins to get to know her. He guides Uta on her way to her second period class, magic class, which they have together. After school, Taya says he will go to the mall with Uta and show her the arcade, and use the game tickets they acquired from the monster.

Uta’s third period is math class, which Taya isn’t in.

In math class, Uta meets two new friends named Teto and Momo. Taya’s third period class is music class. He has this class with with Ritsu, along with Ritsu’s other good friend, Ruko.

After third period class, is lunch break, and everyone meets up together.

Fourth period, Uta has computer coding with Ritsu. Taya has cooking class with Teto and Momo, and Ruko is alone in language arts.

Fifth period, everyone has gym class together.

Finally, in sixth period, Uta and Taya have Whimsica Geography class together. Everyone else is together in dance class.

Uta starts opening up to Taya when she feels she can trust him. By the end of the school day, they are friends.

“I want to be a real girl.” Uta tells him then. “I want to have a soul. As an android, I cannot truly feel joy.”

However, Taya believes that Uta is already a real girl, and that she has a beautiful soul. He is determined on his quest to help Uta feel true happiness.

After school, Taya takes Uta to the arcade, and Uta hears all kinds of music. Taya has never seen Uta so entranced before. Uta asks Taya why these sounds make her feel so alive. Taya tells Uta that they are more than just sounds, they have feelings and soul, and are called “music.” Uta falls in love with music. When she hears it, she becomes indescribably enthralled.

At the arcade, Taya plays a dance game and gets a pretty high score. Apparently, it’s Taya’s favorite game at the arcade and he has had a lot of practice every chance he could get. Uta is mesmerized as she watches Taya dance to the music. Uta is a bit shy to dance herself, but a spacecraft piloting game catches her attention. Uta plays the game and gets an incredibly high score, and ends up attracting a crowd of people in awe of her skills. Uta ends up getting a huge output of coins to exchange for prizes. When Uta and Taya put their coins together, they have enough to buy a brand-new karaoke machine that even comes with three karaoke albums to sing to!

Music had awoken something deep in Uta’s soul. It’s a feeling of excitement, thrill, and comfort, but also immense yearning. Uta feels she wouldn’t be truly happy unless she would be able to compose music and sing. Taya sees Uta staring longingly at the karaoke machine.

“Oh, would you like the karaoke machine?” Taya asks Uta. “If so, it can be all yours. I already have something like it. I think it would be great for you. You want to sing, don’t you? You’ll get to experience music even more!”

“Thank you.” Uta says. “But... I’m afraid I can’t.”

Uta looks incredibly forlorn.

“Why?” Taya asks softly. “What do you mean?”

Uta explains that she feels she wouldn’t be able to sing or compose music, since one needs a heart to be able to make music. Uta is convinced she doesn’t have one. Also, can a being with an artificial voice really sing?

Taya can tell how much Uta longs to create music. He hugs her gently and tells her that he’ll help her however he can, and that she shouldn’t give up.

Taya ends getting a bit emotional. Uta ends up getting emotional too. They end up holding up the line. Merli, a snobby girl from school, is next in line. She rolls her eyes and says “Oh PLEASE.”

Taya ends up developing feelings for Uta. Her story and dream pulls at his heartstrings. He feels very sincerely for her.

They end up buying the karaoke machine and go back to Uta’s apartment. Taya calls his parents and tell them he is at a friend’s house. Taya supports Uta with her dream and teaches her the first steps to singing. They have their first singing lesson.

Taya is a bit shy with singing, but he is determined to be a good vocal coach to Uta. He looks back to the exercises he did with Ritsu in attempt to get over his shyness. As Taya sings, Uta recognizes his voice as “the sound that awakened her soul” back when she first came to Whimsica, but she keeps quiet about it due to being bashful.

It takes a while, but Uta finally figures out how to match pitch. She is able to vocalize simple tunes, but still has a long ways to go...

Taya soon hears Uta practicing her singing by herself a lot. At first Uta is very upset and discouraged because she just can’t seem to control her voice well. Eventually, Tei Sukone, who bullies Uta and Taya, says Uta should just give up. “She’s just a robot, right?” Tei says. “Robots don’t have souls. They don’t have what it takes to sing.”

Uta feels deeply hurt and discouraged by this comment and considers maybe she wasn’t meant to sing. Afterwards, Ritsu becomes very angry with Tei... but he also has things to say to Uta as well. “Are you really going to give up just like that?” Ritsu criticizes Uta. “Don’t be so weak-willed!” Uta begins crying. Taya comforts Uta and tells Ritsu he was a bit harsh. Uta was already feeling hurt enough.

Uta doesn’t give up, runs off somewhere, and sings all day with bad technique and without any breaks until she passes out alone. Taya searches around town for Uta and finds her unconscious. Everyone is extremely worried. Ritsu gets a chance to apologize to Uta and says he just wanted to see her fulfill her dream and would’ve been as crushed as Uta if she were to have given up. He didn’t mean to be so harsh. Ritsu and the rest of Uta’s friends reassure her and recommend her to take breaks and exercise better technique.

Uta’s friends help her the best they can, and Uta begins practicing singing nearly every chance she gets, but this time with breaks and good technique. Taya can tell that Uta really loves music and is truly determined. Eventually he’s impressed and blown away by how far she gets. Even though Uta was never programmed to be able to sing, she eventually begins to develop a unique singing voice through hours upon hours of practicing painstakingly.

Eventually there is a part where Taya, along with the rest of the group of Uta’s good friends (Teto, Momo, Ritsu, and Ruko) are captured because they were accused of stealing “Defoko” away from the planet that produced her. Uta is taken back there as well, but she uses the combat powers she kept hidden for a long time to bust out.

Uta then fights her own creators with a power that is foreign (and deadly) to them.... The power of song! The power of love, and passion, and heart, and... joy! The evil aliens do not stand a chance against the power of Uta’s magical song and voice.

“Defoko! When the heck did you learn to produce a singing voice? This isn’t what you were programmed to do! Stop this madness, right this instant!” They tell her.

Uta does not give them mercy. They took her precious friends. They continue to manufacture androids that cannot feel joy. This needs to stop right now!

Uta ends up destroying the entire sinister operation, and also starts both of the dystopian planets down their paths to peace.

After this feat, and rescuing her dear friends, Uta fulfills herself and unlocks her magical girl transformation. In Whimsica, magical transformations are unlocked when the user “fulfills” themself, symbolizing that they’ve overcome a difficult hurdle, accomplished a wonderful goal, or opened the door to their true self.

Now that Uta is fulfilled, she unlocked the power herself to be able to experience euphoria. All the other androids that were produced by her shady manufacturer also gained the ability to feel joy as well.

Uta had slain the chains in her heart and will live on happily with Taya and the rest of her friends.

Uta’s three siblings are also androids created by the same planet who admire her and want to be her siblings after she ends up saving them. They are related in a sense since they were created by the same “company.”

But this is not the end of the story with everyone.

Now it’s time for Taya’s story.

Taya hasn’t seen Saya for years... He is beginning to lose hope that she’s still alive...

Taya Soune and Saya Toune were childhood best friends who grew up someplace else. However, one day when they were both 12, Saya became depressed, and it was hard for Taya to watch his friend suffer. Some time afterwards, an earthquake hit the area and everyone had to take only their most important items and evacuate rapidly before a tsunami were to hit. Taya had to move to his current location, and had to leave Saya without saying goodbye. He never saw Saya again.

After this incident, Taya never got a phone call from Saya, or a letter or any hint she might’ve still been alive and out there. It wouldn’t have been unlikely that Saya and her family had died tragically in the earthquake or aftermath tsunami.

Taya is now left with a heavy, broken heart, and an intense fear of earthquakes. He is most torn apart that the fact that Saya had depression and the last few months before her departure to be so sad.

One day in the present, Uta, Taya, and the rest of the friend group are out at the mall. A song comes on that reminds Taya of his memories with Saya. He begins fighting back tears, but eventually starts sobbing and splits from the group, telling everyone he needs a moment alone. Everyone is concerned. Uta approaches Taya gently after he calms down. Taya then tells Uta about Saya, their story, and how much he misses his friend.

Uta is the first person Taya tells about Saya since he had moved. None of his other friends knew about the sadness he hid in his heart.

It had been years since Saya’s disappearance. Taya has pretty much lost all hope at this point.

Uta reassures Taya that he still shouldn’t give up hope. Uta’s words uplift Taya with a new hope that he had never before felt.

One day when Taya is feeling useless, Uta consoles him and tells him something she was too shy to say before.

“Taya, your voice was the sound that awoken my soul. When I first came to Whimsica, I walked past the karaoke cafe, and I heard you sing. It was the first time I had ever heard music. You sang so wonderfully, and I felt so warm. I felt then, that music was a truly amazing thing. It was you who changed my life Taya... So please, don’t feel sad.”

Eventually, it turns out that Saya is actually still alive. One fateful day, Taya and Saya reunite. Saya becomes a part of Uta and Taya’s group of friends.

(To he continued!)

———

EVEN MORE DETAIL and brainstorms

How do they search for Saya?

What about Taya’s musical play? -It is called “Fantasia Saga” -He started writing it out of grief of losing Saya. -Leeds Kasumiga, a girl with an illness, becomes a big fan of Taya and his play and acting.

Miscellaneous emotional stuff:

Funny interactions and things: Taya’s incredibly neat majestic handwriting Ritsu’s cursed illegible chicken scratch handwriting

Fluffy interactions:

Happenings:

Drama: -Ritsu is just sad sometimes -Uta still struggles with feeling inadequate and depressed at times, even after her heroic feat... But her friends are there to cheer her up. -Ritsu’s unrequited feelings for Taya... -Tei has a crush on Teto, and really doesn’t like Momo! Momo becomes Tei’s bullying target... -Ritsu used to bully Gumi as an elementary schooler, but now feels deep remorse and longs to apologize -Taya is very set off by a minor earthquake, due to his traumatic memories dealing with a major one in the past. Taya and Uta’s have a minor disagreement... and both of them become very torn up about it -Momo’s goodbye? But in the end, it turns out she can stay... -Ritsu and Ruko have a big fight... but make up and become even closer -Taya and Saya’s tear-jerking reunion... -Saya doesn’t recognize Taya for a split second, because his appearance had changed, and so did his gender identity. But the moment Saya recognizes his heart and sincerity, she knows it is Taya.

Miscellaneous random details

Magical transformations and fantasy things: Monster of the week?