#and the cheers in 2016 too

[chaoticlandworlder]

The cheers for Max... Brazil you are so dear to me

[k2ulhu]

hulu was doing live coverage of the election until 2:00am, at which point my power randomly went out and when I reopened the hulu app on my tv the election coverage was replaced with

[sinvulkt]

[wild-at-mind]

Seeing some posts on my dash that are kind of in the wheelhouse of the stuff I was just posting about. I really like their posts normally and I don't want to unfollow but :/.

[thissying]

"A wunderkind," said Niki Lauda when Limburger Max Verstappen (18) won his first Grand Prix in Spain on Sunday. Her wunderkind, thought Sophie Kumpen (41), at home in Maaseik in front of the television. Two hours later the phone rang: "Wow. Mom. Actually unbelievable, huh."

21 May, 2016

Sophie was at home on Sunday when it happened. All alone, on a chair, in front of the television. "I've been in the pit box at enough races to know: I actually prefer to watch in the living room. You can't see it better anywhere else than on television. I have a fixed ritual for it. A candle on the table. Smartphone in hand. And that chair." (points to one of the dining room chairs)

"Of course, if I had known in advance that Max would win his first Grand Prix, I would have gone along. During those last two corners I was sitting in my chair cheering. When Max crossed the finish line, I cried. I didn't even cry at his birth. They were tears of relief, I think. He was finally able to show what I always knew he could do."

What role does genetics play? So far unclear. But this much is certain: if Max drove the competition away on Sunday - and was also a bit lucky with two top drivers dropping out - it was mainly a matter of years of training. "Max has been working towards this for fourteen years. He was four when he started karting. Jos and I practically lived on the circuit at that time. People sometimes think that we pushed Max. That's not true. It came from him. Once that happened, there was no stopping him. And honestly? I understand that. It was the same for me. That kick. That adrenaline. That quickly becomes addictive."

Sophie once lived in the same world as Max does today. She was successful in karting, and Jos had made it in F1. The couple lived in Monaco and bathed in wealth. But the divorce, in 2006, turned that life upside down. Max was eight, his sister Victoria six. It was decided: Max would stay with Jos, Victoria with Sophie. And while Jos focused on his son's career, Sophie looked for a job in Maaseik.

"A very difficult time," says Sophie. "I didn't see Max a lot then. He quickly started to achieve international success and he was abroad a lot with his father. I found that incredibly difficult. But I also knew: if we really wanted to pursue Max's big dream, he would be better off with Jos. I had to flip a switch for that. There were many nights when I lay in bed crying. Out of sadness, for the child I missed so much. I really had to let go of Max. I was often very afraid that I would lose him. Now that he is eighteen, I have the feeling that all that is changing. He visits me more often, shows up unexpectedly at the door more often. 'Mum, let's go shopping in Hasselt.' Max recently had to get his driver's license. He had to drive for a few days with a supervisor. He said: 'I want to do that with you, mum.' I am increasingly getting my place as a mum back. That feels really good."

"The contact with Jos is finally better again, too. Everything has fallen into place: Jos has remarried and I am also doing well. When Max won on Sunday, Jos called me from Barcelona. However, we hardly ever call each other. But at a moment like that you know: this is our child. And then it is nice to be able to share that emotion with each other and to be able to cry together. I am glad we had that phone call. It felt good to be able to do that. For Max as well."

"After the divorce, I started working for the OCMW [social welfare centre]. I believe that things in life happen for a reason. I see a lot of poverty. I see the underclass of society. I think it's good that I can show Max that. We talk about it. I want him to know that there is another world than his. That's good to keep his feet on the ground. As a mother, I'm sometimes afraid that he'll start to float. I think it's my job to prevent that. I often say: 'Max, don't get too big for your boots, boy. Be nice to people, be nice to the fans. If there are twenty fans, don't sign five, but twenty autographs.' Max knows that, how important that is. And he does that with a smile. Deep down he is very down to earth. Max is a very down-to-earth guy, actually. He now has a Swedish girlfriend - someone who also races. When those two visit: it is really very relaxed. Something to eat, a game of cards, a chat. Max really likes 'normal'. He recently got a sponsorship contract with Puma. He said: 'Mum, then I'll get a new pair of shoes!' I thought that was nice of him. That he could be as happy as a child with a new pair of shoes."

It's been a madhouse since Sunday. Both in Monaco and in Maaseik. "Even I've been overwhelmed all week. I've received 1,500 Facebook requests. The phone didn't stop ringing. Journalists called from America. It really can stop now. Just because Max has won once, doesn't mean he'll keep winning. We all have to stay level-headed about that. Things have been going really well for Max for a year and a half now. There will be a dip at some point. We better prepare for that. I always impress that on Max. 'Think carefully and enjoy it, because it could all be over tomorrow.' He then says: 'Yes, mum, I know.'"

It can never end more suddenly than with a crash. Last year Max came close to that. It happened in Monaco. His car: straight into the tire barrier. Sophie was watching. "I remember thinking: please, get out of that car. And he did get out of that car - unharmed. Maybe that won't happen one day. Or he will be seriously injured. From the moment your child puts on a helmet, you know that it can go wrong. Look at Jules Bianchi, last year. That crash was so hard that he was brain dead. They had to pull the plug. We talk about that. What if something like that ever happens to Max? At least we'll know that it happened while he was doing what he loved to do."

"When I light candles, that is why. So that everything goes well. But you do take into account that it could be different every time. I find the start especially difficult. After two or three laps that improves. When they're all driving behind each other. Should I tell Max that he's not allowed to race? That wouldn't be fair. I've done circuits myself. So who am I to stop my son? Fortunately I know: Formula 1 has become increasingly safer in recent years. Less and less can go wrong."

Sophie - an interior designer by education - was 21 when she said goodbye to top-level sport. "Jos and I saw each other so little that I chose my marriage . Now I sometimes think: 'What if?' When I chose Jos, I said 'no' to a top offer from Formula Opel Lotus. What if I had said 'yes'? I was good at the time. Although I also know: then I wouldn't have had Max and Victoria. The dream that I had to put aside myself, Max is now realizing in my place. That feels good. The sacrifices were not in vain. Because sacrifices: we all made them. Victoria too. Our whole life has been about Max. Sometimes I feel bad for Victoria. I can feel quite guilty about that. It must not have always been easy for Victoria to stand in the shadow of her brother. My daughter works in haircare now. Two weeks ago she put highlights on me. She is one of the best in her class. I am incredibly proud of her - just as proud as I am of Max. But sometimes it gnaws at me: Victoria was very good at karting as a child. What if Jos had invested as much in her as in Max? She could have gone very far, because I think she is better than me. I would have thought it was fantastic. If a woman does well in motorsport, that is still more impressive than when a man does it. Only, it turned out differently. And now that she is sixteen, it doesn't have to be that way for her anymore. She is happy the way she is. People often ask her why she is not like her brother. But then I think: let her be herself."

"Especially now that Max is getting older, he realizes those things. He knows that his sister sacrificed everything for him. They get along very well. Max will always take care of Victoria - a mother senses those things. They once made an appointment, laughing. Victoria had wanted a Louis Vuitton handbag for a long time. 'But I won't get one from mom,' she had told Max. And so Max said: 'When I score my first points in F1, you'll get one.' The day Max scored those points, he took Victoria into Düsseldorf. They bought the bag together. Victoria has been lugging her Vuitton everywhere ever since. That makes Max happy, I can see that. The bag has emotional value for him too: it symbolizes those first points."

She: employee at the OCMW. Her son: 'rising star' in Monaco. "Does Max earn a lot of money? A lot, yes. But he has a manager, who helps him manage that. That's good. Max recently missed his plane. He immediately booked a new ticket. I, with my salary, wouldn't be able to do that. But I'm glad he can, and still manages to be careful with his money. On Mother's Day, he suddenly showed up at the door. He had a surprise. He knew I was looking for a new small car. He took me to the dealership that day and bought me a car. He said: 'Mum, for everything you've done for me.' I can see him doing that for his sister someday. She recently wanted to see him drive in Bahrain. Then he said: 'Your ticket is ready, sister.' It's nice that he does that. He doesn't have to. But it's his way of giving something back." On Thursday, Max was on Belgian soil for 24 hours: the moment when Sophie could finally hold him. "I asked: Max, you're coming, aren't you? He said: 'Of course, mom. Will you cook me something nice?' I made carpaccio, a salad and some pasta. And for dessert: his guilty pleasure. Top sports always means dieting, but what is one Kinder chocolate? There are always some in the cupboard for him."

Next week Max faces his next challenge: the Monaco Grand Prix. Sophie is going to watch and is bringing a few family members along - motorsport is in the Kumpens' blood, Sophie is the niece of racer Anthony Kumpen. "Max sets the bar high. He crashed in Monaco last year. There was criticism about that. 'Wasn't he too young?' He thinks he has something to prove now. And I know: he doesn't necessarily need his mother for that. But I do enjoy being there for him."

"And. Uh. It gives me the chance to also go and see his apartment. I decorated it at the time. Going to have a look. Whether that young man of eighteen hasn't made a mess of it." (laughs)

[celaenaeiln]

Hiii, how are you? I’m new in the Batman fandom, but i saw a lot of people saying that Jason is actually Batman’s favorite child, and when i was reading the comics, i really though that Dick is Bruce absolute favorite, but i saw a lot of posts here on tumblr of the fandom saying is actually Jason and that the batkids all know its Jason, but i don’t know what is canon and what is fanon (quite honestly when it comes about the batfam i don’t like a lot about the fanon version 😭), so i wanted to ask you about it

And sorry if i said something wrong, english is not my first language

Hi and no worries at all!!

Yeah, canonically Dick is Bruce's favorite by a LONG shot and canonically the batkids all know this.

Infinite Crisis Issue #3

It's says right here in the comics. Really explicitly. But not only that, time and time again, there is clear evidence of Bruce's preferential treatment of Dick over the rest of the batkids.

One time the batboys and Bruce are searching for a guy that kinda is using the Gotham criminals as his subjects. So what they decide to do is split up to narrow him down.

Detective Comics (2016) Issue #1057

But they run into issues because the villains chose a 'divide and conquer strategy"

Detective Comics (2016) Issue #1057

Bruce gets swept away! Because of a carefully planned trap. But do you what he does the second he wakes up?

Detective Comics (2016) Issue #1058

JDAKFA;BFJALEC

BRUCE LITERALLY WENT: "I love Dick and all the other not-Dicks equally" !!!!!

As if that's not enough, Bruce's biggest fear is that he's not good enough for Dick.

Bruce's fear about Dick-

Batman vs Robin Issue #3

because he believes this -

vs

Bruce's fear about Jason -

Batman vs Robin Issue #3

because he believed he failed to do this -

Batman: Hush

Reminder: Joe Chill is Martha and Thomas Wayne's killer. Enough said.

If you want to be even more explicit about Bruce's preference for Dick over Jason it can't be clearer than here:

Bruce reflects on Jason's Robin tenure -

Batman (1940) Issue #428

Something a lot of people don't know/refuse to acknowledge is that Jason canonically did have anger issues. There aren't a lot of parallels between Jason and Dick but one particular thing that DC points out is that Jason and Dick both lost their beloved fathers. The difference is that Dick was able to move on and become cheerful even if he didn't get revenge. Jason wasn't able to get over the loss of his father and became angry. UTRH makes a specific point of talking about this too.

Batman (1940) Issue #645 "He knew that Jason Todd was NOT Dick Grayson."

Do you remember why Jason became Robin?

Batman (1940) Issue #416

Bruce wanted Dick. He took in Jason in replacement for Dick. But Jason was not Dick and even on the day he died, all Bruce could think of was that taking in Jason was a mistake.

The batkids are well aware of this. Damian actually calls Jason Bruce's mistake too when he's recounting the story of the robins.

Here's what he says -

Batman (1940) Issue #713

That's Damian's retelling. Tim's is even worse -

A Lonely Place of Dying

Ouch.

Truthfully Jason is like Bruce's 4th favorite. In order of how much Bruce loves his kids it goes:

Dick

Damian

Cass

Jason/Tim (tie)

Tim/Jason (tie)

Steph

I think there's so much confusion about Jason supposedly being the favorite because Bruce grieved over Jason's that but I think a lot of people are conflating grief and self-blame with love. There have been two significant deaths in the family: Jason and Damian. If you look at how Bruce reacted in each aftermath, it becomes clear that he loves Damian more than he loved Jason.

After Jason's death:

Batman (1940) Issue #429

Batman (1940) Issue #431

After Damian's death:

Batman and Robin (2011) Issue #21

Batman and Robin (2011) Issue #20

He would forcefully make Jason relive the worst day of his life so that his other son could enjoy his.

Bruce's behavior after Jason's death was self-destructive and isolative but his behavior after Damian's death was to beat bloodly every single criminal. His reasoning for beating Dick after Jason's death was "Jason was your replacement. If you hadn't left I wouldn't have had to take him in and he wouldn't have died." His reason for beating Jason after Damian's death was "Your trauma matters so little to mean that all I want is Damian to live again and I couldn't care less about how you feel."

In summary, Jason wasn't Bruce's favorite either as Robin or as an adult. But even if it's not Dick, claiming that Jason is the favorite is so far off that no one is DC would remotely believe it. You would think there would be more analysis on Damian's death in comparison to Jason's because they were two big official deaths but I guess not for some reason. I ran out of image space but yeah there's more than just this overall. This isn't to say that Bruce doesn't love Jason. NO! He very much loves him. But he just doesn't love him the most.

On a different note - coming from someone who went from TT show to YJ to fanfic AND THEN reading comics, I've had relearn a lot about each of the characters. But for people still in the process of transitioning from fanfic to comics or just in the fanfic stage, general rule of thumb when it comes to batfamily content - NEVER trust what people say if they don't provide the evidence for it. People in this fandom are so wild that they'll have you believing the earth is the center of the universe, that you'll fall off the world if you go too far left or right, and that pigs can fly.

[neil-gaiman]

hi neil, i hope your day was better than mine.

i got my hair cut today and i can't stop crying about it. it looks so bad. and it's right before school starts too. i'm not exaggerating when i say it looks like a 5 year old took scissors to my hair while i was sleeping. and it was done by a professional at a good salon! i don't know what happened but i'm devastated and maybe i'm just emotional/sentimental but i keep crying about it and i feel silly after because i know it's just HAIR.

anyways, you probably won't see this but i had to let someone know. and also, i think you would be proud of me because i have been in a reading slump for a year and last week i decided to do something about it. so i read coraline one day, ocean at the end of the lane the next, the graveyard book after, and lastly i took two days to read anansi boys. i'm planning on reading american gods next. the idea was to start off short and small and work my way up and i think it's working. thank you for your work and please never stop writing. and great job on season two by the way, it was beautiful.

please come to wisconsin soon so you're able to sign my good omens copy!

with love, ollie

Here. I will try to cheer you up with me in October 2016 as Hurricane Matthew is hitting Florida and I have just had a very strange haircut from the only barber who hadn't closed because of the incoming hurricane. The wind noise in the background is the start of the hurricane. The haircut was because I thought we'd lose power and I might have to fight zombies and shorter hair would help. To add insult to the haircut, it had a ducktail at the back.

The khaki jacket had lots of pockets and was hurricane gear too. (I slept in the bathtub that night. The howls of the wind got loud but I didn't lose power and I was fine.)

And it still wasn't as bad a haircut as the one I got when I was 16 when my dad took the hairdresser aside before the haircut and told him that whatever I asked for, what he was to do was cut it all off and give me a short back and sides. And he did. There are no photographs.

I hope this helps. I'm proud of you too.

[oldfashioned-lovergirl]

Kimi seb and fem reader threesome?

☆ LOVERS ROCK — sebastian vettel x fem!reader x kimi räikkönen

tags: rated E, threesome, smut, fluff, age gap, photographer!reader

note: i am probably months late but idk inspiration just struck me suddenly. this is set like around 2016.

masterlist

・・・・☆・・・・☆ ・・・・

Qualifying went better than expected for the Ferrari team. You watched the two drivers end in 4th and 3rd position from the garage, in which, thanks to your ‘close friend of Sebastian’ privilege, you were allowed. You still weren’t officially Scuderia Ferrari’s photographer, but who knows, maybe considered all the pictures you took for them, one day they’ll hire you. Keep dreaming.

As soon as Seb took off his helmet, you ran to congratulate him and wish him luck for the race. You hugged him tight and he discreetly pushed you in an isolated corner behind the motorhome. He kissed you eagerly. Alright, maybe you were more than close friends. At least, you once were, until he finally found a way to romance you and take you in his bed. Nothing serious, just casual sex. That was how you discovered that your chemistry was unmatched.

As Sebastian had to go back to debrief with the engineers, your eye was caught by the monitor showing the post quali interviews. There was his teammate, Kimi Räikkönen, talking about his performance. He seemed unbothered, as always. His forehead was damp with sweat and the red suit made his broad shoulders look even wider. His composed and silent aura exuded masculinity. Sebastian was indeed a passionate lover and great friend, but sometimes, when you observed the two of them standing next to each other, your gaze lingered a bit too much on his teammate. He fascinated you. You never exchanged more than a few words with Kimi, but you wondered what he was like under that superficial layer of cold stares and reserved personality. You wondered what it would be like to pass a hand through that light blond hair and across that imperfect pale skin. Kimi was everything Sebastian wasn't: cold and mysterious, with a body that could have been sculpted from ice and sharp, nordic features.

Sometimes you found yourself staring at him. And some other times, you caught him staring back.

When you saw the man walk out of the frame, you hurried outside with your camera hanging on your neck. You took a picture of him striding in front of an enthusiastic red crowd pushing on the other side of the fence. Another one: a close up of his face. He looked handsome. These would go viral, if you hadn’t already decided to keep them to yourself.

The day after, the two Ferrari drivers were celebrating on the podium. Kimi in second place and Sebastian soon behind, a grin that lightened up the whole mass of Tifosi. It was almost scary how the fans cheered and screamed at them. The track burned red as they overran it, only interspersed by the team yellow symbol sparkling everywhere.

The two patted and complimented each other in the cool down room. “What a race! A big celebration awaits us tonight.” Happiness was written all over Sebastian’s face. After a few unsuccessful results, he could finally breathe.

Kimi smiled back at him.

“Wanna come over? I’ll be with Y/n.” The german suggested, lowering his tone.

The other shook his head. “Wouldn’t dare to interrupt anything.”

“Actually, I was offering you to join us.”

Kimi raised his thin eyebrow, thinking for some seconds to have misunderstood.

Seeing his unphased expression, Sebastian put an arm across his shoulder and pulled him closer. “Kimi, she’s basically been eating you with her eyes since the beginning of the season. And I bet you don’t feel any different. I mean I don’t blame you, have you seen her?” He chuckled.

The Finn remained in silence, pondering the suggestion for a moment. “Sure you don’t mind?”

“Not at all. You know I’d share anything with you.”

You threw your arms around Sebastian’s neck and kissed his cheek when you saw him approach you. “You were amazing out there!”

Seb held you tight, unable to stop smiling. You ruffled his curls.

“Can’t wait to celebrate” you smirked at him mischievously.

Sebastian reciprocated the look. “Listen, I was thinking,” he paused, almost unsure of his own words. “Kimi could come too if you’d like.”

You frowned, confused by his words. Maybe you misheard, you thought. “What?”

“Come on, Y/n, I’m not blind, I’ve seen the way you look at him.”

Oh, so he means… You lowered your gaze, taken aback by Sebastian’s realization, your cheeks red with embarrassment. “I–”

“It’s okay. I’m not jealous of Kimi.” He lifted your chin with his fingers and smiled softly. “I want it. You just make sure to be at my hotel tonight.”

You usually didn’t wear anything particular for your encounters with Sebastian. He knows you well and he doesn’t care how you dress. Besides, usually the clothes were off before he could even look at them. This time was different though. You chose a short dress and put a little bit of makeup on. You drove to Sebastian’s hotel, and in the elevator you were almost trembling with anticipation, your heart was beating fast. You still couldn’t believe it was reality, to have the two blond Ferrari drivers at your own sole disposal.

You walked up to the door and knocked. No one answered. What if he was joking?, you thought. No, he would never make fun of you like that. You knocked again and this time the door opened instantly.

Kimi Räikkönen was standing in front of you, in jeans and t-shirt, with a passionless face and piercing ice blue eyes. You fool, expecting to see Sebastian at the door of his own room.

He slowly eyed you up and down, without a word. Your face heated up. You weren’t that much shorter than him, but in that moment he seemed to tower over you. You suddenly felt so small and young under his gaze. If with Sebastian the age difference was already noticeable, with him the gap was even larger. You were just a simple girl, standing in front of a grown handsome man. And not just any handsome man. He was the last Ferrari champion.

“Delete those pictures” he demanded in a firm tone, bringing you back into reality.

How did he noticed?

You smiled amused and crossed your arms. “No.”

Kimi kept his scrutinizing look on you. You tried to hold eye contact but ended up looking away. Damn, his eyes. “Then give them to me.”

“Not for free.” You successfully managed to speak firmly too.

He grinned and leaned on the doorframe. You blushed again, against your will. “Whatever” he commented.

“Can I come in now?”

“Pictures first.”

You were starting to lose your patience. You didn’t come here to argue over photographs, why was he acting so rude?

A voice coming from inside the room interrupted your bickering. “Kimii, stop playing with her, let her in.” You recognize it as Sebastian’s. A wave of relief washed over you as you heard his familiar voice.

Kimi finally moved to the side, allowing you to sneak inside, brushing against his arm. The German was sitting on the bed, a glass of champagne in one hand. “We were just starting the celebration. Want some?” he offered.

You shook your head. It wasn’t exactly the case to get drunk.

He got up and put the glass on a table. The room was wide and elegant, the bed sheets were of a beautiful bordeaux. Your gaze scanned the room and curiously lingered on the bouquet of vivid red roses placed on the bed. Seb picked it up and handed it to you. “For you.”

Your expression softened and your lips curved in a smile, your mood changed completely. The atmosphere shifted from cold and awkward to romantic and familiar. You smelled the roses and held them close to your chest. “Thank you.”

“It’s Kimi you should thank,” he pointed at the older man. You turned and met his shy stance. He looked back at you with hands in his pockets. Well, that was unexpected. “Truce?” you suggested.

“Truce it is,” he replied. “Don’t forget to put them in the water when you get back.”

“Oh, so you want me here after all.”

He shrugged and made some steps closer. “Yeah, I guess. Still need the pictures though.”

“Sure, right” you couldn’t help but smirk at his attempts to break the tension, “so how do you wish to pay?” you teased.

He took the bouquet from your hands and put it aside. “How about we find out?” He took one of your hands and brought it to his lips, lightly kissing your palm. “One thing at a time.”

Your heart skipped a beat. So he does speak, huh. And with a heart melting accent. “Deal.” Your hand lingered on his cheek, and before you could realize what was happening, he pulled you in a kiss. A soft kiss, at first, that gradually became more and more bold. His mouth tasted like lemon and champagne. You may have dreamed of this.

While you were lost in the feeling of Kimi’s tongue dancing with yours, a pair of long lean hands overlined your hips, settling right next to Kimi’s. With a possessive grip, Sebastian spinned you around and claimed your lips, taking the air out of your lungs. They were so different in the way they kissed, yet somehow so similar. Both driven by a prevailing urge. You fought for dominance for a moment, but soon you were forced to give up. When you were alone with Sebastian it was a working technique, but it couldn’t be with the two of them.

Kimi had started to nibble at your shoulder,moving up to needily suck the skin of your neck, his gnarled big fingers roaming over your body. You melted into his embrace, feeling his strong, toned physique against yours, his hands exploring your body with a confidence that sent shivers down your spine.

As the kiss grew more intense, you found yourself sandwiched between them. You could feel their arousal pressing into you. They were like two magnets, pulling you into their orbit.

Seb started unzipping your dress. He made it slide off your shoulders, revealing your cleavage. He stroked your nipples with his thumbs through the thin fabric of your bra. Kimi’s hands traveled downwards, caressing your waist and making the rest of your dress fall on the ground. He grabbed your hips and pressed them hard against himself. The mix of their touches, so precise and coordinated, made you moan with pleasure.

When Sebastian broke the kiss, he raised his hand to cup Kimi’s jaw and captured his lips. To your surprise, they kissed fiercely and passionately, savoring each other and your taste in their mouths. That was the hottest thing you had ever seen.

In the meantime, the Finn ably untied your bra and soon after your panties were gone too. The both of them took a long sight at your naked body. You flushed, feeling exposed and observed, so you pulled Kimi’s shirt as a sign for them to get rid of their clothes too. They took off their shirts at the same time and closed even more the gap between your bodies, trapping your bare pelvis. They started to grind against you and you really felt the need to get them both out of their jeans.

Kimi's gaze was intense, his touch was surprisingly gentle. Sebastian, on the other hand, was a whirlwind of passion, his hands eager and explorative, his mouth leaving a trail of kisses along your collarbone.

Sebastian led you to the king-sized bed, the sheets a rich, velvety crimson that matched the desire in your eyes. As you lay there, exposed and vulnerable, a wave of excitement washed over you. The anticipation was almost too much to bear, your breaths coming in shallow gasps as you felt the weight of both men on the bed. Sebastian kissed his way down your body, his mouth moving to your breasts, tongue gently tugging at your nipples as he continued to drive you wild with pleasure, before moving lower. “Seb…” you called, urging him. You couldn’t take it anymore, you needed them to touch you more.

The moment was charged with an electric current, the air thick with lust. Sebastian's tongue continued its descent, teasing and licking until you were writhing beneath them. Kimi's hand reached out to stroke Sebastian's hair, a silent gesture of approval and affection that sent a jolt of arousal through you. You felt the bed shift as Kimi positioned himself above you, his icy eyes searching yours for consent, a softness in them that you hadn't seen before. You nodded, unable to find the words, and he took possession of your lips once again, bolder than before.

Sebastian's hands slid down to your thighs, spreading your legs open as he settled himself between them. His eyes were filled with adoration as he stared up at you, the tip of his tongue tracing the seam of your sex. You gasped into Kimi's mouth as Sebastian's tongue delved deep, the sensation overwhelming. Kimi's kiss grew rougher, more possessive, as if he wanted to claim every part of you, not just the ones that Sebastian was worshiping. The tension between the two men was palpable. As Sebastian's tongue flicked, you could feel Kimi's fingers tighten around your hip, his own need growing against your side with every moan you released into his mouth.

Kimi broke the kiss, his breath ragged and his eyes smoldering with desire. He whispered something in Finnish, a language that only he and Seb could understand. The younger man raised his chin from you and smirked at him, the heat in his gaze told you it was something filthy and delicious. You felt a thrill at being the center of their attention, the object of their shared desire.

You let out a sound of complaint as Sebastian left your inside and straightened up to sit. He caressed your leg in a reassuring gesture and kissed it. “Not yet, mein schatz.”

With a final, lingering kiss, Kimi positioned himself at your entrance, shoulder to shoulder with Sebastian. Oh… You shivered with anticipation at the thought of what was about to come. The wait was eating you inside. “Kimi, please,”

You felt the head of his cock nudge against you, the coldness of him surprising against your hot, slick flesh. “Say it.” His gaze fixed on your desperate, pleading, semi-closed eyes, while he teased you with his member.

“I need you” you couldn’t find the force to resist him, not even for a little bit.

Pleased by the way your answer was delivered, he pushed in slowly, filling you inch by inch as you gasped for air.

Sebastian's mouth found your clit again, his tongue swirling in perfect harmony with Kimi's movements. You moaned, the sensation of being stretched and pleasured by two men at once overwhelming and incredible.

Sebastian's more deep blue eyes locked onto yours, the intensity of them making you feel like you were the most important person in the world. His hand reached up to stroke Kimi's shoulder in a display of camaraderie that was as erotic as it was surprising. You wrapped your legs around Kimi's waist, urging him deeper, feeling the fullness of him inside you.

Kimi's hands found yours, his grip firm and reassuring. The mix of his coolness and Sebastian's warmth was intoxicating, a heady cocktail that sent you spiraling towards climax.

The room was filled with the sounds of skin slapping against skin, muffled gasps, as Kimi began to thrust into you with a steady rhythm.

Kimi's strokes grew deeper, his pace increasing, and you could feel the tension coiling tightly within you. Sebastian's mouth returned to yours, sharing your gasps and moans as he kissed you with a ferocity that matched his friend's. And you realized with a thrill that this wasn't just about you - it was about the bond between the two men as well.

Their eyes met, and a silent understanding passed between them. Sebastian slid down the bed, taking Kimi's place between your legs.

"Mein engel," he murmured, his German endearment sending a warm shiver through you. His touch was kind, his fingers deftly preparing you for what was to come. You felt him line up with Kimi. The older mani withdrew, allowing Sebastian to fill you completely. You moaned, the sensation of being filled by both men now a reality, as Sebastian pushed in.

Kimi didn't move far, his body hovering over yours, his eyes never leaving yours. He leaned down, placing feather-light kisses along your jawline as Sebastian began to move inside you. The contrast between their touches was exquisite - one gentle, the other demanding. You felt like you were being worshiped by two gods.

Their breaths mingled with yours, the sound of their bodies moving together was sweet music to your ears. You could feel the love and friendship between them, the unspoken communication that allowed them to share you so intimately. It was a moment of pure, unbridled passion, a moment where you were the center of their universe.

And then, as if reading your mind, they switched again. Kimi slid back into you, his coldness now a welcome relief after Sebastian's warmth, his movements rougher.

Your eyes rolled back as Kimi hit that perfect spot, the one that made your back arch. Sebastian's hand found your clit, his thumb flicking it mercilessly as he kissed along your collarbone. You could feel the tension in their bodies, the need to release building as they pushed and pulled, filling you completely.

You could feel yourself getting closer to the edge as they both moved in unison, their combined efforts pushing you over the edge. You screamed out their names as you came, your body convulsing with pleasure, the sound echoing off the walls of the hotel room. They didn't stop, though, not even for a moment, continuing to move inside you, pushing you further. You could feel yourself tightening around them, the waves of pleasure crashing over you. And when you finally came down, panting and trembling, you knew that this night would be one you'd never forget.

With a final, deep thrust and a soft groan, Kimi roared out his climax, his entire body shaking as he emptied himself inside you. His grip on your hips tightened, his eyes never leaving yours, as if the connection was the only thing keeping him anchored. Sebastian watched with a mix of awe and lust, his own arousal clear in the way he pumped into you, his eyes glazed over with desire.

And then, it was Sebastian's turn. Despite your exhaustion, you wrapped your legs around him, pulling him deeper, eager to feel him come apart as you had. With a final, guttural cry, he reached his climax, finally filling you too with his warmth, his body shuddering.

You lay there, feeling more alive than you ever had before, as they both stilled, their breathing ragged and their bodies slick with sweat. You felt cherished and loved, the lines between friendship and desire blurred into a beautiful tapestry of intimacy.

Sebastian pulled out of you gently, a look of pure adoration on his face as he collapsed beside you, his arm draped over your waist. Their release dripped out of you, sliding down your thigh. Kimi leaned in, pressing a tender kiss to your forehead before rolling to your other side, his hand finding yours. The three of you lay there in silence, hearts racing, bodies entwined. You’d do anything to not let this be the last time with the two teammates, even if it meant for you to hide those pictures from Kimi forever.

[azzifudd]

always on my mind

paige bueckers x azzi fudd

summary: Azzi has just finished dinner with her grandparents when the call comes. 

Azzi is confused because it’s barely been three hours since she said goodbye to Paige at the airport as their families drove them home on their return to the states from Argentina. 

They’d spent nearly the entire plane ride talking, even when Azzi had really wanted to nap, so Azzi can’t imagine what more Paige has to say to her, but she picks up anyway.

rated: teen

2.4k words

disclaimer: fictional!

[AO3 Link]

Paige Bueckers (USA Basketball) Facetime

Azzi has just finished dinner with her grandparents when the call comes.

Azzi is confused because it’s barely been three hours since she said goodbye to Paige at the airport as their families drove them home on their return to the states from Argentina.

They’d spent nearly the entire plane ride talking, even when Azzi had really wanted to nap, so Azzi can’t imagine what more Paige has to say to her, but she picks up anyway.

“Hello?”

“Azzi!” Paige’s face is too close to the screen and all Azzi can see is the bridge of her nose and one clear blue eye.

“Hi…” There’s a moment of silence as Paige just stares at Azzi. “Did you need something?”

“Oh, um, yeah!” Paige perks up like she’s suddenly remembering that she’s the one who made the call. “I’m gonna be playing some pick up with my guy Jalen tomorrow and I was wonderin’ if you’d wanna come.”

Azzi notices then that Paige seems almost nervous. In all the weeks they’d spent together playing basketball, Azzi doesn’t think she’d seen Paige unsure of herself for even a second, but the way her eyes keep darting back and forth betrays her.

For a moment, Azzi wants to say no. She’s exhausted from the tournament and the nearly full day of travel it took to get to her grandparent’s house in Minnesota.

But then Paige pulls the camera back from her face and Azzi sees a sweet, uncertain smile on Paige’s face, and she can’t bear to disappoint her.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Paige seems surprised, but then she gives a little cheer and smiles so wide that Azzi blushes under the strength of it. “Aight! Cool!”

“Cool!” They sit in silence for an awkward moment, glancing around until they make eye contact through the cameras and begin to giggle.

“Who’s that?” Azzi asks, when they settle down. She points at the screen past Paige to the wall behind her.

“It’s Kyrie, he’s my favorite player.” Paige tilts her phone, showing a wall filled with posters of different NBA players, but mostly of this particular one.

“Oh, who does he play for?” Azzi asks, though she has to admit she doesn’t actually care. For some reason, she just doesn’t want to hang up yet.

“You don’t know Kyrie Irving?!” Paige sounds almost offended at the thought.

“Not really,” Azzi replies, with a shrug. “I don’t watch a lot of NBA.”

“Bruh, I gotta educate you.” Paige settles back on her bed, pulling out her iPad and opening Youtube. “We’ll start with the 2016 Finals.”

They stay up talking until after midnight. Azzi still doesn’t know much about Kyrie Irving, but she learns a lot about Paige Bueckers, and it changes everything.

//

“Azzi! Dinner’s ready!” Katie calls from the kitchen. Azzi has been spending almost all her time, outside of school, training and practice, holed up in the basement doing God knows what lately. It’s not quite like her daughter, who usually spends most of her time messing around with her brothers or hanging onto her parents, but Katie figures that her oldest might finally be hitting that moody teenager phase that everyone warned her about.

She scoops some stir fry into her bowl, joining her husband and sons who are already at the table. When another few minutes passes and Azzi still doesn’t show up, she goes to the door, yelling down the stairs.

“If you don’t get up here in the next thirty seconds, no phone for the rest of the night!”

Within seconds she hears feet clomping up the stairs.

“Mom! Okay! I’m coming!”

Azzi finally appears, giving her mom an annoyed look before brushing past her and serving herself a plate of dinner.

When she finally sits down at the table, she props her phone up on the table so it’s facing her. They can all hear some sounds coming from it.

“Azzi Fudd, I know you aren’t watching a video while we’re eating dinner.” It’s so unlike her to be so rude.

“Uhh, hey Mrs. Fudd. Mr. Fudd.” Paige Bueckers smiles sheepishly at her and waves through the screen.

“Oh, Paige.” Katie knows that Azzi and Paige had been keeping in touch since the summer. “You know you can call us Katie and Tim, sweetie.”

“Azzi’s going to have to put her phone away for dinner. She can call you back after dinner, alright?”

“Moooom.” Azzi whines, clearly embarrassed.

“I’ll talk to you later, Azzi.”

“Okay,” Azzi huffs. “Bye Paige.” Katie isn’t sure if she imagines it, but there’s something soft in the way her daughter says Paige’s name.

They hang up, and Azzi begins immediately shoveling food into her mouth.

“Azzi, slow down. Paige is still going to be there, but you won’t be if you choke because you aren’t chewing.”

Azzi scowls but she does slow down, chewing deliberately in her parents’ direction. When her bowl is empty, she reaches for her phone.

“May I be excused, please?”

“Not yet.”

“Ugh,” Azzi scoffs, rolling her eyes.

“Enough with the attitude, or did you not want one of your birthday presents early?”

Katie smirks as Azzi’s eyes bulge with excitement.

“I’m sorry!” Azzi bounces excitedly in her seat. “I’ll stop with the attitude, I promise.”

“Alright, we believe you, “ Tim says. “Well, we were talking to Paige’s parents the other day…” He lets the sentence linger, laughing when Azzi grows visibly annoyed.

“Dad!” She growls as her brothers mock her.

“Alright, alright. We were talking to them, and they agreed to let Paige come stay for the weekend for your sweet sixteen.”

Azzi barely lets him finish his sentence before she’s out of her seat, squealing with joy and giving her dad a big hug.

“Thank you! Thank you!” She throws herself into her mom’s lap, and though Azzi has been taller than her for about a year at this point, Katie still relishes every time her daughter lets her hold her this close.

“Does she know?! Can I tell her?” Azzi reaches for her phone, opening Facetime, and Katie can see her call log. The name Paige💗 fills the entire screen, non stop calls that must span the months since they had returned home from Minnesota.

“Go ahead.” Azzi leaps up, and they can hear the sound of barely half a dial tone before the call is answered.

Almost immediately, there’s a lot of chattering, then a lot of excited screaming. Katie shares a knowing look with her husband as their daughter talks excitedly with her best friend.

Azzi has never had a shortage of friends, but it’s becoming more and more clear that her relationship with Paige is something different, something special.

//

Jazmine is not sure what to think of Paige Bueckers. She knows what everyone else says about her, that she might be the best player to ever wear a UConn jersey, and that she uses that to chat up every attractive woman on campus.

But as they work on their research project, Jazmine isn’t sure she sees this supposed player that everyone talks about.

Paige is charming, yes, and very friendly, but there’s something guarded in her demeanor, like she’s always keeping part of herself locked away.

She is cute though, Jazmine can’t deny that, and fun to flirt with as they make progress on their presentation.

They’re about to wrap up for the night when Paige’s phone vibrates from where it is face down on the table. Paige picks it up, and Jazmine watches as her entire being seems to bloom at what she sees on the screen.

“Sorry, I have to take this.” Paige pops a headphone in, stepping out of the study room they’ve been working in. Jazmine watches through the glass as she holds the phone up to her face, speaking with whoever is on the other side.

Her face is soft, and the smile that lights up her face is so different from the near smirk that Jazmine has seen directed at everyone else. She only spends a few minutes on that Facetime, but even in that short amount of time, Jazmine can see the way her entire body language has changed. She barely knows this girl, and she can see it.

Paige hangs up, coming back into the room with another apology.

“No worries.” Jazmine shrugs. “Your girlfriend?”

All the blood in her body seems to rush to Paige’s face.

“Oh, um, nah.” She stammers. “It was just Azzi.”

Everything clicks into place. Azzi Fudd, Paige’s best friend, and partner in crime. Azzi doesn’t even go to UConn, though she has visited a few times, and yet she’s probably heard just as many rumors about their relationship as she has about Paige herself, and despite Paige’s denial, Jazmine knows what she saw.

She doesn’t know if Azzi is Paige’s girlfriend, her best friend, both, or neither. But she does know that Paige loves that girl. And anyone who had seen what she had seen, how Paige’s entire being lit up at the mere thought of Azzi, would know it.

//

Paige doesn’t hear the sound of the call over the pounding of her dribble and the squeak of her shoes. In fact, she only realizes her phone is vibrating because it interrupts her music.

It’s past midnight, and Paige knows there’s only one person who could be calling her. The only person she would answer for, at any time of day or night.

💗 Facetime

She swipes to accept the Facetime, sitting on the floor against the wall. With a boop, the call opens to show her best friend, clearly dressed for bed and frowning disapprovingly at Paige through the screen.

“I knew it. Why are you still at the gym?”

Azzi disappears for a moment as she turns off her bedroom light, but soon her face is visible again by the light of the screen and as she lays down in bed with the phone propped up close to her face.

“Can’t sleep.” Paige shrugs, it’s the truth, even if it’s the simple version of it.

“You wanna talk about it?” Azzi always wants to talk, and there’s little that Paige likes to do more than listen to her, but she still has trouble doing the talking herself sometimes.

“Tomorrow, okay? You should sleep anyways, I know you had a tough game tonight.”

Azzi rolls her eyes, but Paige can see the day weighing on her, the way her eyelids look heavy and eyebags darken the skin beneath her eyes.

“Fine, but you have to promise you’ll go back to your apartment after this.” Azzi buries her face into her pillow.

“Promise. After a few more shots.”

“You need to take care of yourself.” Azzi’s voice is drowsy, and Paige watches as her eyelids flutter as she begins to struggle to stay awake. “At least until…”

Her voice faded away as her eyes slipped closed. Paige leans in close, desperate to hear the end of that sentence.”

“‘Til what, Azzi?” She whispers. On one hand, she wants to hear what the other girl was going to say. On the other hand, it’s late and she knows how important it is for Azzi to get enough rest.

Luckily, Azzi’s eyes open and meet Paige’s, soft and so deep she feels like she could drown in them.

“Until I’m there to take care of you.” She says it so casually, so matter of fact. It steals the breath from Paige’s lungs.

She’s taken care of herself for a long time, and she’s always been proud of that. It wasn’t until she met Azzi that she let herself even open up to someone else, and she never thought that she would ever want someone to take care of her.

But it hadn’t even been a choice with Azzi. Before she had realized it, the other girl had wormed her way into Paige’s mind, her heart.

She thinks about the last time she had seen Azzi in person, the morning she had left Azzi’s house to head back to her dad’s to move to UConn. She’d woken her up, way too early, and nearly cried thinking about how much she would miss seeing Azzi’s grumpy face every morning.

She’d almost said it then. Those three words. Cocooned in a pile of warm blankets before the sun had even risen, Paige could pretend that they weren’t about to be separated for who knows how many months. She could pretend that this wouldn’t be the biggest test their relationship would face yet.

She had wished that she could have just stayed there, with the girl she liked, safe from the rest of the world. But the world didn’t work that way, and she’d left Azzi behind with a promise that they would always be truthful with one another, and that they would always be best friends, no matter what else happened between them.

It’s a promise Paige knows she will be able to keep. She can’t imagine a force on this earth that could keep her from Azzi, and she knows Azzi feels the same about her.

When Paige finally focuses back on the call, she sees Azzi asleep, with the camera still on her. She packs up her stuff, and takes the short walk back to her dorm with nothing but the sound of the crickets and Azzi’s soft breaths keeping her company.

By the time she finally slips into bed, it’s past 1AM and Azzi is deeply asleep on the other line. But Paige doesn’t hang up. She plugs in her phone and leans it against a pillow.

As she looks at Azzi’s peaceful face, she feels it swelling within her. That same urge from months ago to just say it. This time, secure in the knowledge that Azzi won’t hear it, she opens her mouth to say it.

But just at that moment, the wifi lags and the call drops. She stares at her home screen, a photo of her and Azzi from the past summer, her hair a patchy purple as she pouts at the camera. Azzi is beside her, beaming at her with that squinty eyed, dimpled smile that Paige knows is her Paige smile.

She flops to lay on her back. Maybe it was destiny that she hadn’t been able to say it. Because Azzi deserves to hear it from her mouth for the first time. And Paige deserves to get to say it to her, to get to see her face light up, and then to, hopefully, hear it back.

[ybklix]

𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐀

★ pairing: chris bahng & lee minho x popstar!femreader

✦𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: Prima donna: someone who demands to be treated in a special way and is difficult to please.

The sweet and perverse play of a life hidden behind an acclaimed character created by someone.

Minho Lee, a frustrated young writer working in one of the most important music magazines, is about to find out what’s really going on behind the scenes of the mysterious girl everyone is wondering about.

With small steps in your career, you are discovered by a famous producer under the pseudonym CB97, whose vision of work is very specific and quite peculiar… yet you succeed in becoming a rising star, who manages to spark the public's curiosity. Hiding little secrets under the image of a mysterious internet girl with an angelic voice and face.

Once Minho is challenged to come up with a really good story to keep his job, he finds your unusual videos on the internet, wondering if he could have a chance to meet you… only to find himself with no way out, immerse in a dark world, hidden and full of beauty and desire.

♡ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 - 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: smut, angst, daddy kink, soft bdsm, sex toys, sextape, est. relationship, cheating, threesomes, mention of sex workers, sugar daddy, dom!chan, toxic relationship, reader is slightly a nymphomaniac (current warnings appearing in each chapter).

♡⋆˙ FIC MASTERLIST

❀ inspired by the early career of poppy, the singer and her “weird” yt videos back in 2016, electra heart by marina and the diamonds and almost famous film.

main masterlist

current warnings: daddy kink, pet names, suggestive smut.

word count: 860

♡ PROLOGUE ♡

“Perfect, beautiful, but I feel you can do better, let’s do it again just one more time” your boyfriend said in a soft tone, focused on all his recording equipment watching once more your video, you nodded determined and quickly arranged your two pigtails back on your shoulders, “In three... two...”

You went back to your role and acted according to the script previously studied to perfection written by your boyfriend. It wasn’t rocket science, your videos were never longer than three minutes, and this was one of those that came out in one continuous take, but Chris, your boyfriend, was a total perfectionist freak.

Once you heard him say “Cut,” you felt yourself breathe again and were a little tired of the bright set lighting hitting your face.

“This is the good one, babygirl, you did excellent, I just edit it and it’s done” he said, cheering you on and still focused on his computer.

You approached him, this time he was so focused on the result of the video that he didn’t go straight to you to pamper you which seemed strange to you, like something empty, you missed his affection and compliments every time you did something well, or every time you did your job well and didn't complicate it for him too much.

You admired him, his handsome side profile, you sighed, you were dying to call him by his name, but he didn’t like when you called him that at all, according to him, it was like a lack of affection towards him.

“Daddy” you tried to catch his attention, stretching his clothes a little but he was still engrossed watching every detail of your recorded video, “Daddy” you called him again in a more needy tone.

“What’s wrong little one?” he replied without paying attention to you, deftly moving his long fingers on his computer.

“Did I do it right?” you asked.

“Of course you did, babygirl, I’m almost about to post it...”

“Then why don’t you show me how much you like it?” you whined, knowing full well that tone made every part of his body tremble.

He finally turned to look at you, your expression with a slight pout, your eyes bright, it was obvious you wanted sex to which Chris smirked as he couldn’t believe you were insatiable, you had a huge sexual appetite, you could last hours and hours, round after round until he left your body completely tired, until you cried and begged for no more. But you couldn’t help it, he had made you that way, he created you, from your dyed hair, to your feet with your socks and shoes on that he chose and dressed you in them. You were all his.

For a year now, you had this kind of relationship that was a little abnormal, but you were turned on by every part of it. It was a routine you kept, but besides the sex your favorite part was making music with your boyfriend, being able to share creative ideas, and ending up completely fascinated with the great work he did with your voice.

“That’s what you want, huh, babygirl?” Chris raised his eyebrows, running his tongue around the inside of his mouth watching you with desire, making your pussy throb under his penetrating gaze, “Wasn’t the good morning daddy gave you enough for you?”

You shook energetically, your heart racing at the thought of being touched again by him, igniting in you an inner flame that could only be extinguished by reaching your so intense orgasm that your daddy always makes sure you reach.

“I want more, daddy please, don’t I deserve a reward?”

“Mmm, the video wasn’t that hard to act...” he commented teasing you a little.

“Daddy, pleaseee” you begged, you were so wet that if he refused to touch you, you’d go to your room to lock in and give yourself an orgasm, without caring about breaking one of his rules, either way a very painful but sizzling hot punishment awaited you every time you broke one of them.

“Okay, come here” Chris turned from his chair, putting his body in front of you.

You moved closer, almost in a jump of happiness, wrapping your arms around his neck, Chris wrapped his arms around your body, squeezing it and dropping his heavy strong arms in you.

“What does my princess want?” he asked, close to your lips, brushing his big nose against yours.

“I don’t know, daddy, you decide...”

Chris moved one of his hands down to your wet center, starting to stroke your clit, making you gasp and moan.

“You’re so wet... You want daddy to play with you, don’t you?”

You bit your lip, aroused, every muscle in your pussy throbbing, so needy at his slightest touch. You loved him, you worship him.

You didn’t believe that anything or anyone could break such a bond between you. He knew absolutely everything about you, or at least you were so blinded as to believe so. But trying to figure him out was a constant game that sometimes you had to lose. And gosh, you really fucking hate to lose.

[gyummigon]

like when we first met, i hate you and i love you | beomgyu

beomgyu x fem!reader | playlist

୨୧ word count: 6.8k ୨୧ genre: angst, slight smut ୨୧ warning: non-explicit sex (or so i think), unspecified mental disorders and illnesses, depressive thoughts, thoughts of death, thoughts of loneliness, verbal incitement to suicide, very mild violence (not dating violence), unstable and unhealthy relationship, emotional dependency, mild family strife, and lots and lots of anguish. i don't suggest reading to anyone under 18, in fact don't read it if you are under 18. ୨୧ a/n: writing this was a challenge, but i consider it to be one of the writings i put more of myself into. thank you in advance to the people who are encouraged to read, and i hope i will not disappoint you. my native language is not english, so i apologize for any errors or inconsistencies in the text. have a nice weekend!

It was easy for Beomgyu to feel trapped in his own mind, to mourn the days that were more than just lost; he swore that he remembered nothing of them, and yet they could bring him down at any moment.

He had spent nearly a quarter of his life living in hospital rooms, moving from one to another, but in the end remaining within the same four plain, pale walls. No matter how many times the morning came to him, or how long the night before, they meant nothing when all he could see was a ceiling that could only be distorted in the recesses of his mind. 

On this particular morning, the ceiling he saw as he lay sprawled on his bed was not the usual one. The sun's rays struck him from a different direction, the comfort of the mattress was not what his body was accustomed to, and the gentle puff of your breath beside him sent his mind wandering to alternatives that would save him from his growing need to flee your uncomfortable presence. 

Your situation was not entirely unfamiliar to you. You knew him too well to have any idea what was going through his mind. The guilt overflowed from the brown of his eyes and hit you almost as hard as the reality of waking up in the same situation again. As you felt the warmth of his body next to yours, you wished bitterly that he was a stranger, that way you could let him go without claiming the warmth you lost the moment nakedness stopped meaning anything.

"Beomgyu," you called him with an uncertain tone. You slid your head from the pillow to his chest and let his heartbeat against your ear flood your mind with fear. You wished you could control it and make it keep beating even if it wasn't for you. "Promise you won't let this happen again."

Beomgyu closed his eyes. The yellow color of your walls was too cheerful and always made him feel depressed. 

"I'll visit you tomorrow," was his answer. He gently put your head back on the pillow and started to get up.

A lump in your throat kept you silent as the raw fragility of his nakedness escaped the sheets. Even as he finished dressing and turned to look at you, you kept your attention on the place farthest from her eyes, afraid to get too close and discover that there were demons lurking there.

You and Beomgyu met in seventh grade, in the fall of 2016, under the rays of a bright sun and the orange hue of the leaves of an old oak tree. He had just transferred to the same school as you, but with his bright and enthusiastic personality, he had no shortage of friends, attention, or the furtive glances your curiosity encouraged you to give him. The first time you spoke to each other was after an embarrassing skateboard fall at school, but a handshake and a few awkward smiles sparked a bond that made you inseparable.

Aside from similar musical tastes and an interest in hiking, you didn't have much in common and were constantly having not-so-serious discussions about your differences. It was this contrast that made Beomgyu so eager to spend time with you. You were the respite from his usual routine, the color that was missing from the memories in his mind; the shade that waited to protect him from the sun, even though you were completely unaware of his difficulties. And things should have stayed there, in an innocent and uncomplicated friendship, but your childish need for romance and his urge for compression turned you from friends to lovers in a matter of months.

It was an inevitable fact from the beginning. He was a young man full of life carrying a heavy secret, and you were a naive young woman who didn't know what she was getting into when he opened the doors of his heart and you walked right in. By now, after six years of relationship, both of your hearts were worn out and the constant barriers that Beomgyu's unstable mental health put between you widened a distance that even monotony could not close. Beomgyu felt his soul heavy and dirty even when he was near you, the color of your life itself made him feel like a gray stain, and the shadow that once comforted him now burned him every time he tried to cling to its coolness.

"If I don't come tomorrow, don't go to the hospital until you've finished your homework, okay?"

The pain hidden in your silence made Beomgyu feel miserable and almost made him give in to your earlier request. Promising you was the right thing to do, but with him being meaningless, purposeless and pretending, how could he control himself not to come back here?

"You'll be all right, won't you?" he heard you say in a weak, languid voice.

He couldn't do anything but look at your grieving body under the sheets. He felt terrible, like a piece of trash. Every time he looked at you, he realized how disgusting he was for coming here and making you do all those things. He wanted to get down on his knees and beg for your forgiveness and at the same time berate you for letting him do it, for giving him your body even though it made you both feel dirty.

"I love you."

He wasn't sure if those words came out of his mouth and reached you, maybe he had buried them, forgetting their meaning and now they were just a broken compass. What day was it, could he go on or back? Was this the end of the story or had it just begun?

He hated himself so much.

A small smile that didn't reach your eyes spread across your face, you pressed the sheet to your body and propped your knees up on the bed so you could touch him. "Will you be okay?" you repeated as you traced the softness of his cheek with your fingers.

In a losing battle against despair, Beomgyu leaned his face into your touch and closed his eyes. He could not stop pretending that you were not the vessel into which he poured his misery. Every word out of his mouth seemed to weigh tons and lying was the only way to be with you more than just physically. 

"I'm trying."

"How long will you keep running away?"

Hearing you, Beomgyu opened his eyes and you sighed as the familiar feeling of fear and uncertainty washed over you as you looked into them. There was a heartbreaking fragility and desperation in them, the same one that was present every time he touched you and made love to you; the same one that remained when his lips moved slightly upward, giving you a faint glimpse of the hidden dimple on his cheek.

"I'm not running away, the hospital doors are always open."

"Beomgyu." You tried to sound stern, but the quiver in your voice at the mention of his name was noticeable.

"Don't worry," he murmured, putting his hands over yours to pull them away from his face. "You have enough burden with school, so avoid distractions and study hard, okay?"

"Then don't come back here, please."

"I'm so sorry." Beomgyu, with his eyes closed and a lump in his throat, placed a hand on your head and pulled you close to him to plant a kiss on your forehead. "Get some sleep before you go to school."

A helpless expression appeared on your face as Beomgyu gently stroked your hair before pulling away. You closed your eyes and bit your lower lip to stifle any more pathetic pleas from your mouth, listening to his every footstep taking him away from you.

An impulse made Beomgyu turn on his heels and look at you again. For some reason, when he saw the way you hugged yourself and closed your eyes tightly, a deep urge to die washed over him from head to toe. He thought he owed it to you after all he had put you through, that there was no other way to give you a chance to escape him.

With a sigh, he took one last look at you and turned his feet toward the exit of your room, offering you the only comfort of his absence and his silence.

And as every time you watched him leave, you felt that he took a piece of your soul with him.

"You have to stop for a moment." You heard Hanna say as you both walked to your next class.

Walking across campus carried a weight that felt thicker in that moment. The weight of the morning was reflected in every step you took, shuffling your feet with the characteristic reluctance of one who has crossed an already too long college day. 

Your path to your next class is a routine one, but you have never been able to get used to the distance between one classroom and the next. As you made your way along the path of worn bricks and open spaces where the bustle of students mixed with the sound of car engines, you felt overwhelmed and anxious to get home as soon as possible.

"Take a break." Despite the weight of her guitar on her back and the art portfolio occupying her hands, Hanna moved forward beside you with lighter steps, keeping a calm tone in her voice. "You're starting to rub off on me with your negativity, if you're too tired to study then rest."

You sighed and looked at the time on your watch, your class had started five minutes ago and you still had a long way to go to get to the building where the class was. 

"You just don't get it, I rest every day even when I shouldn't," you said as you picked up your pace and Hanna mimicked you without any difficulty. 

"Procrastination is not rest, you have to really relax."

If your breathing hadn't been so fast due to the intensity of the walk, you would have sighed. From your perspective, the situation was more complicated. Your current emotional state was beginning to affect your academic performance, and you hated it. As a student of letters and a lover of reading, you had never fallen so far behind in your academic reading and homework. You were used to reading for school as much as for yourself, but in the last few weeks, it was impossible to even hold a book without being a matter of time or will. You couldn't find the concentration to be yourself anywhere, and you feared that if you didn't overcome the block and regain some focus, you would have to drop out of your classes before you failed. 

  The thought of doing poorly in school made you feel absolutely worthless and nervous.

"I'll try to change, just... don't tell Beomgyu. He's been a little intense lately about the idea that I'm doing well here."

"Why, is he pressuring you or something?"

You paused and thought about all the times Beomgyu told you to stay focused in school, to study hard and get the best grades. It always seemed to you that he said it in a sad rather than a demanding way.

"No, but the situation has been difficult since his relapse," you replied.

Hanna looked at you for a moment with her big, thoughtful eyes before she let out a sigh. "Y/n, since I met you your relationship has been difficult." 

"As long as he was under observation he would study online, but he became an irregular student. I guess that's thwarted his plans a lot and knowing my current situation will probably make him sensitive..." you tried to explain in a hurry, but stopped yourself when you couldn't ignore the little conviction in your words. Hanna gave you a reassuring smile and maneuvered her hands to free one of her arms for a few seconds and wrap it around yours. Both your legs slowed in unison and your body relaxed as you tilted your head and rested it on her shoulder.  "Do you love him?" 

Her question didn't surprise you, but you let a few minutes of silence pass between you before answering. For some reason, it was always difficult to talk about your relationship with Beomgyu; either they didn't understand it at all, or they understood it too much that you started to get the pity treatment. 

"Of course."

"As a boyfriend? I mean, do you love him romantically, not as a person you've known since puberty?"

You turned your head away from Hanna's shoulder and brought your gaze to an imprecise point in front of you. It wasn't always up and down with Beomgyu, the stability you both once had and kept you both so alive was as tentative as the current instability, the love manifested was as strong as the doubts. What did it matter how you loved him now, there was no way to know that it would make a difference. The two of you were bound together by more than love, you had a history with too many loose ends to tie up, words whispered in silence that needed to be heard and answered, wounds deep enough to choose to bleed without trying to close them. Yes, the distance was frightening, but you weren't defeated, you could take what you needed from each other to survive, and that wasn't necessarily wrong.

Except for the fact that neither of you were alive. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," Hanna's voice broke through your thoughts and brought you back to reality. You let out a sigh, each question weighing you down with exhaustion. "I just... I want to understand you."

"Does he seem bad to you?" you replied without a hint of anger or concern. 

"No, I like Beomgyu, I just... since I know him, he's kind of scary to me." 

"No, gosh... He's... the nicest, most sensitive guy I've ever met."

"Not that type of scary." 

When you heard these words, you felt frustrated. You didn't understand, even though you were also scared, you didn't understand what it was that Beomgyu reflected when he was with you that you couldn't see; because you were also absolutely terrified and couldn't identify the cause. 

"He's fine, Hanna." 

"And I'm so glad, but what about you?

You wished you could answer that question without your heart trembling with hesitation, but you were at a point where you doubted even your own words. What your mouth was saying and what Hanna could surely read in your eyes were contradictory things. If only you could have at least known which was true...

"I'm fine, okay?"

Your eyes glided over each word on the page with an almost exaggerated slowness, you had read the same paragraph over and over again in the last few minutes, your head was throbbing and fatigue irritated your eyes, but they were not the reason for your lack of concentration, at least not the main one. 

Beomgyu sat a meter away from your desk, and you could feel his attention on every twitch of your facial muscles, on the movements of your hands, on the restless tapping of your foot on the floor. Those silences were the ones you hated the most to share with him, they made you insecure and any chance to approach him in a way that didn't make you feel suffocated slipped through your fingers. 

You closed the book with a sigh and turned in your chair to look at him. The dark circles under his eyes hardly surprised you, they seemed as dull as the last times you saw him, barely a spark to show they were still screaming inside.

"Are you done?" he asked, slurring his words, but you were sure he already knew the answer.

"I'm tired," you replied instead as you stood up and sought a safer position on your bed, away from his eyes.

"Me too..."

You sighed as you saw him shrink back into the chair and averted your eyes to the floor. You couldn't shake the desire to be silent that came over you every time you saw him, even you couldn't describe the feeling, it made you sick, afraid to say the wrong thing, to push down the hopes he could barely hold in his hands. You were so afraid of breaking him. Despite your caution, you admitted that you were one of those guilty of endangering the stability of the thin rope he was walking, because as long as you were together, you would be the person Beomgyu held his hand and led him to discover the worst ways to sabotage him. It was as if he was testing your criminal mind and inviting you to watch from the front row as he murdered his own dreams and hopes for life.

You snapped out of your thoughts as you felt the weight of his body sink into the mattress. You turned your face in his direction, slightly dazed as you watched him kick off his shoes and curl up into a ball under your sheets. You sighed, not resisting the urge to bring a hand up to his face and caress his cheek, the way you knew he liked it. 

"Lie down," he asked you in his little whisper. 

There he was, like a ghost in the darkness, looking at you with a longing that made your body tremble. Though he was overflowing with an inexhaustible weariness, and his features bore the nostalgia of the stars that once shone, he was heartbreakingly beautiful. His smooth skin had the feel of a misunderstood canvas, his eyes, deep and enigmatic, carried unreadable pleas. It was sadness embodied in the skin of an ethereal being, unable to be torn away. 

Your eyes closed unconsciously as Beomgyu leaned towards you after you obeyed his words, hiding his face in the curve between your neck and shoulder. The warmth of his body was always overwhelming, but his words had the power to slip between the trembling crevices of your heart and freeze its beating at will. 

"I miss you..." he murmured against your skin, the roughness of his fingers clinging to your hips and his nose sliding along your collarbone, enveloping your skin with his breath and stealing layers of your scent. "I miss you so much."

How many times had he said those words to you? You wanted to scream at him that you were here, that you hadn't gone anywhere, that he had you, that nothing would tear you from his side, but even you weren't sure of that anymore. 

"Me too, babe," you replied, lowering your face to his as his eyes sought yours. Damn it, you thought, it will happen again. 

Within minutes, Beomgyu's lips left your neck and traced a path down your belly. Silently, you gave his hands permission to roam beneath your clothes, to trace the curves of your breasts and massage your soft flesh. More than one sigh was stolen from your mouth as his fingers slid to the pointy centre of your breasts, sending a stream of emotion through the gentle pressure. You couldn't explain the emotion that was marked by the trace of his touch on your skin, it wasn't lust, it wasn't need, it wasn't passion, but it was soft and comfortable, just enough to seem like love, just enough to reduce the agony and inappetence of longing to something subtle. 

You whispered his name and cupped his face in your hands to draw him to you. Despite the suffocating emotion in the air, your bodies met in an anxious embrace, seeking solace and a cure for the raw hopelessness they could only express through gestures and silent caresses. The weight of his lips against your forehead made you close your eyes, almost begging him to never let go. Your lips ached with the need that filled them as the cold enveloped your body and replaced your clothes. But he did not kiss your lips, though they cried out in supplication, nor did you kiss his, knowing you would find the bitter taste of apology in them. 

You also helped him get rid of his clothes. You imitated his lack of shame and suppressed any negative emotions that would make you believe that seeing and touching him as you did was wrong. How could it be so wrong when you had Beomgyu in your hands, gentle, vulnerable and intense? Trembling sounds escaped his throat and bound your hands, begging for more. His hands tightened around you, his fingers sliding down each side of your neck and his thumbs pressing against the softest, most vulnerable part of your shoulders. You leaned into his direction, letting his warm breath brush against your ear. 

"My sweet Y/n..." Despite your skepticism that such a thing was possible, the sweetness in his voice made you believe that he really could feel the lost, that your body and voice could soothe his pain.

You kissed his hips with your fingertips, touching the roughness of his bones, holding him close as he wriggled against your touch. He responded just as sharply and slid one hand over your belly and the other between your legs where he pressed his fingers to your most sensitive spot, where pain and pleasure intertwined and sent a tightening sensation to your chest. "Beomgyu..."

"Shhh... it's okay."  He took hold of your knees and, as if he had forgotten his own frailty, he exposed you and adjusted your position for him. Your eyes sought his, eager to hold on to something, to reassure you that it wasn't a stranger touching you; to remind you that all was well, that you were safe. You wanted to find security and familiarity away from this quiet, reserved, sleepy version of himself, you wanted a smile of encouragement, one that would light up the night but not set the moon on fire. 

Beomgyu held your waist, preventing the involuntary, violent jerks of your pelvis. You swallowed saliva, dizzy and anticipating the raw invasion of his being inside you. 

"What's wrong?" you asked as you watched him look at you motionlessly. 

"You're not wet enough."

"It's okay, just do it."

 Beomgyu's lips brushed your cheek, his voice a whisper in your ear as he leaned closer. "I just want you to relax," he said. "Let me take care of everything." 

With a gentle tug around your waist, he sank you deeper into the bed, your head back against the softness of the pillow as he parted his body from yours to give him an open path for his hand to the shy, sensitive place between your legs. His fingers traced the inside of your thighs and slid down to the slit of your crotch, where he made circular motions with his fingertips for a few seconds before penetrating you.  

You closed your eyes and gasped for air. It was as if he was lulling you and slapping you at the same time. Part of you wanted to take it with or without pain because you didn't think you could take it much longer; another part of you, the more disillusioned part of you, wished it was him who gave up and ran away. You tried, you really hoped it would work. For a while, sex had been the relief for this raw ache, but nothing really cured it. No matter how many nights you devoted your body to Beomgyu's desires, there would always be a night when you would lock yourself in your room and cry for all that he lacked, for all that you couldn't give him, for all that you didn't want to give him. And he would know, he always noticed these things, the tears burning under the flesh of your cheeks. But he would not caress your heart as you cried, nor would his hands wrap around you as your mind and soul had done a thousand times with him. For Beomgyu would still be miserable, and neither you nor he was ready for him not to drag you down with him. 

Your body responded to the demands of Beomgyu's fingers and gave him what they were looking for. He clung to you as if he didn't want you to escape. You could feel his muscles tense and tremble, his breath in your ears, his heartbeat and breath on your skin. It was the only thing you could hold on to so that you wouldn't collapse right there. 

Beomgyu slid back, his fingers suddenly far away from the spot between your legs. The feeling of his emptiness inside you was such a familiar pain that you almost reached out for him for a moment, but the caress of his lips on your shoulder and that voice you missed so much brought your focus back to him.

"You're not leaving, are you?" he asked as he slid slowly and carefully inside you.

You didn't answer, you both already knew the answer.

The silence in the room was overwhelming. You were lying on the bed, minutes had passed since your breathing had returned to normal, and now the only sound in the room was the pattering of the rain against the glass of your window. The sweat had dried on your skin and the sheets; your muscles, now relaxed, felt a slight sense of fatigue that made you want to stay in bed. 

You looked at Beomgyu's back and traced the curve of his posture with the pad of your index finger. The delicate contours of his vertebrae were illuminated under the dim light of your desk lamp, lacking muscular strength, with a fragility palpable in every stroke your finger outlined. 

"Don't come back tomorrow."

"Y/n..." he said in a vague form of protest, but you cut him off before he could say anything else. "I have an exam and I really need to study.

I'll visit you on Friday." There was a minute of silence in which you thought he would try to protest, but he just nodded.

"Well, uhm... Are you hungry?"

"Not really."

"You're thinner."

"Maybe."

"Have they been feeding you well?" He gave you a sideways glance and raised his shoulders reluctantly. "It's hard, I have no appetite."

"Hospital food is terrible, isn't it?"

"I guess."

You sighed and looked at the back of his head as if you could see through it. 

"It's not the kind of food we were made for," you replied, trying to lighten the mood. Beomgyu finally moved, turned around and his head landed right on your chest. You could feel his hands touching your ribs, his lips in your hair, your feet on his. "I could make you some fried rice," you continued. "So you can eat something."

"It's okay, just stay with you. I don't need any-"

Your eyebrows furrowed as he interrupted himself. He had raised his gaze and was now staring at you. 

"What's wrong?"

"You look pretty."

Pretty.

The mood in the room changed when he said those words. You held your breath. Everything around you seemed weaker, as if it would fall apart at the wrong sound. You wanted to speak, but you dared not, out of weakness, your absurd cowardice, to show what you were thinking inside. You didn't feel beautiful. You didn't feel loved. Oh, what a relief it would have been to be able to express it to him at that moment, what a different and less complicated way it would have been not to wait for your surroundings to collapse in order to tell him all that you were hiding inside. Maybe if habit did not keep you silent when misery hovers around you, maybe if darkness was not the only stimulus urging you to seek the light, maybe you would have said it. 

I feel lonely. 

"Let's cook something, you know, like old times, but this time without burning anything. Let's make gimbap, but not just any gimbap. We can look up my grandmother's recipe, remember? I made it once for your birthday, haven't made it since, but I don't think I've lost the touch. The recipe has to be out there somewhere. My mother..."

"Okay," he interrupted, surprising you with a kiss on the cheek. "Forget the gimbap, fried rice is fine."

"Do you... do you want to join me or would you rather stay here and rest?"

"It's okay, your sister could meet me any minute."

"I'll be back in a few minutes."

With an overwhelming hope growing in your chest, you left your room and went to the kitchen. The house was plunged into a terrible silence and you had to fight the urge to return to the room, knowing that you would not find a warmer atmosphere inside. But the silence didn't last long, just as Beomgyu had predicted, Leah, your older sister, closed the front door as you finished descending the last flight of stairs. You were wearing only a plus size t-shirt and your panties, so you weren't surprised by the annoyed look she gave you.

"Looks like the rain caught up with you after work." 

"He's here, isn't it?"

You weren't even surprised that she ignored your attempts to start a conversation away from Beomgyu. You rolled your eyes and headed for the kitchen without looking at her. "Oh, not again, Leah."

"That bastard," you heard her curse as she nipped at your heels. "He thinks he can do whatever he wants to you because of his illness?" 

"He didn't do anything to me."

"That's the problem, y/n. In your opinion, he never does anything."

"Mind your own business, Leah." You told her as you tried your best to look busy, moving your hands around the closet, but the truth was your hands couldn't even remember what they were looking for. You opened one of the cabinets, then another. By the third, you felt a little discouraged, so you opened the fourth. Your hands began to despair, until finally a small package of rice wrapped in plastic caught your eye. You gently picked it up and placed it in your lap as you pulled a wooden stool closer to the side of the counter and sat down.

"I'm minding my own business." She replied, standing behind you for a few moments, a tense silence settling between the two of you, and you didn't dare look her in the eye. You felt a pang of embarrassment.

"Leave me alone."

Leah took one of your hands and forced you to face her. "You know I don't like to keep quiet when it comes to this, I didn't before, I won't now. Even if my words are in vain, even if I don't have the right to tell you what to do, I won't swallow my disapproval of you continuing this story in which you are clearly not a heroine. You are a fool, just like mom, don't you see? You witnessed her long years of misery for what? To repeat history? What is broken only hurts."

"Stop." You pulled her hand hard. "This is between Beomgyu and me, no one else has any part in this. How many times do I have to explain myself to you?

Leah let out a frustrated sigh, she seemed to be debating your words and your back stiffened as you waited for her next attack, but the tension in your body turned to surprise when you felt her hand tugging at the collar of your shirt.

"Leah!" you screamed, but your attempts to push her away faltered as you became aware of what she was looking at with such displeasure. You didn't even remember the purple marks on your collarbone, they were old and therefore barely noticeable, but her sharp eyes hadn't missed them and her expression made it clear that he knew who the culprit was; which was just one more reason to increase her displeasure.

"I'm going to... God, that idiot..." After a few seconds of silence, you heard her sigh and turn away. You felt your stomach sink. "Is he upstairs?" 

"Leah, don't..."

Your reflexes were fast, but not fast enough to catch her before she came out of the kitchen. Less than a meter from the stairs, your fingers clutched at her clothes, perhaps too tightly, perhaps so desperately that it left your sister and you in disbelief. 

You thought of Beomgyu waiting for you in your room, vulnerable and feeble with his own thoughts. Maybe he agreed to let you cook for him because he wanted to be alone, maybe he called you pretty because it was easier than saying anything else. Maybe you loved him and it wasn't right. Maybe you hated him and he knew it. Maybe you took his sadness for granted, or maybe you should have understood that he wasn't worth it. But there was more, something darker than all possible answers, something you suspected but were afraid to admit to yourself, afraid to face it. 

Beomgyu didn't need you, it was you who needed him.

Your hand loosened its grip on Leah's clothes and you stepped back. A tremor went through your body as you looked down at your hands, suddenly afraid of yourself, your own demons. "I'm sorry, just... leave him alone."

For a few seconds you thought she would say something, argue, scream, or just try to move on as if she didn't hear you. She did none of these things, instead she turned back to the stairs and said those words that hit every sensitive nerve in your body. 

"If your disease doesn't kill you soon, you should kill yourself."

At first, her words were like an attack that you couldn't digest for the first few seconds. They hurt, they stole your breath, and you heard the crackling of something weak, something sensitive breaking; but it was only when you saw where the attack was directed that fear and a searing anxiety invaded your body and made your knees fight against a wrenching weakness.

"Leah!" the scream tore at your throat. 

Beomgyu was standing on the stairs when he met your sister's gaze. His jaw was clenched, but his tired expression made him look almost expressionless. But he wasn't. He was shaking, more than you. He was suffering, more than you. He had never looked so small, so fragile, so far away. And you had never felt so helpless, so frightened, so unaware of your impulses.

"How... how can you say such a thing?" Your palms slapped Leah's back, once, twice, three times, as if to force her to spit out an answer. You were distraught, desperate, about to burst into tears. "How can you be a human being and say such a thing? How can you be my sister and..."

"'Whoa, whoa, take it easy... Just calm down..." Beomgyu's arms, who seemed to have rushed down the stairs at full speed at the first of your attacks, wrapped around your waist and pulled you back. You tried to pull him away, even though you had no intention of returning to your sister, but he clung to you tightly. "Come on, outside." 

You didn't resist as he led you outside your house. His hands released you only when he closed the door behind him and you turned to him with a pleading expression. Beomgyu said nothing but shook his head in a gesture you could not decipher and the fear that shook every part of your body could not have been worse.

Silence.

You parted your lips, desperately wanting to say something, anything, but nothing came out. Beomgyu gave you a dejected smile and shrugged his shoulders, a gesture he always made when he wanted to play things down and cheer you up. You had to look away to keep from collapsing. 

The raindrops on the pavement were bright white under the streetlights. The streets were empty, the only sounds being your accelerated breathing, the pattering of the rain, and the rustle of the trees in the wind. The air was tinged with damp bark and earthy moss, a smell that for the first time you found more devastating than comforting. 

"I'm going home, back inside." 

Your breath caught in your lungs and you made an incredible effort to get the words out of your mouth. 'If your disease doesn't kill you soon, you should kill yourself'. These words kept going over and over and over in your mind. How could your sister tell him that, how could she even think about it? Beomgyu, who had lived in a body full of anxiety, instability, impulsiveness, confusion, and paranoia since he was sixteen. Beomgyu, who had to live with an incurable diagnosis and inexhaustible medication. Beomgyu, in whose confused mind, behind a thick layer of emotions, there was only a genuine desire to be loved, accepted and valued by himself and others. Beomgyu, insecure, bright, dull, happy, depressed, who started a new war against himself every day. If your sister had known all this, would she have said those cruel words? If your sister had seen the sharp, cutting impact that melted into Beomgyu like a heavy anchor that prevented any hope from floating, would she really have stayed at home so calmly?

"She doesn't know what she said," you whispered, lifting your gaze from the floor to look deep into his eyes. "She's... selfish, arrogant, completely irrational. She thinks she knows you. They think they know you. But they don't know anything about you! They don't know you like I do, no one...no one..."

"It's okay."

"Nobody does."

"I know." Beomgyu took your face in his hands, his intense eyes never leaving yours. "You know me better than anyone."

"Stay."

Beomgyu shook his head sadly.

"No, I..."

"I love you."

Your interruption seemed to shake the ground beneath Beomgyu's feet. The boy sighed shakily and leaned his forehead against yours. His eyes, now wet and shiny like the concrete of the long avenue, were hidden under his eyelids and closed with the force of something burning to be seen. 

"Do you sometimes... do you sometimes not have the urge to die together? To throw us in a lake and drown? Something like that?"

A sob escaped your throat and your hands cupped his cheeks, almost as if you were holding his heavy soul with the edge of your fingernails to keep him from slipping from your grasp. Nothing was ever more frustrating. "No, God, of course not, how can you say such a thing? I want nothing more than to live by your side, to synchronize your heart with mine, to hear you breathe, to see you smile... I want to calm you down and for you to calm me down. I want to survive with you.

Beomgyu let out a soft snort that resembled an attempt at laughter. "Always giving me the cold shoulder. Go back inside, you'll catch a cold."

Your hands grabbed his clothes. You didn't want to let go, your whole being told you not to, not to let him go, not like that, not with those words still echoing in his head. Beomgyu gently pushed your hands away and you trembled. You were afraid for everything, for him, for yourself, for the future. You feared his departure and that he would become unreachable. For the first time, you feared that you didn't love him. 

Beomgyu's breathing was steady now, only the faint, clear outline of his body pressed against your chest told you that he was still there, still present. "I'm scared," you whispered. 

"Me too."

"Will I see you tomorrow?"

"Friday, I'll see you Friday." 

"You promise?"

"I promise."

Finally, you stepped back, still wanting to say many things, but lacking the right repository of words to get them out. Beomgyu hesitated for a moment, his mouth opened slightly as if he wanted to speak. But he didn't. You took a deep breath and stepped back again, your face blank and your hands hanging limply at your sides. Your lips trembled, but then, almost out of nowhere, you smiled. It wasn't a happy smile, nothing like that, given the situation. It was desperation eating away at your life, the wind hitting your body and telling you how empty your hands were now. It was Beomgyu, tired and in pain, making his way into the distance.  

You smiled even more when the sky began to rain.

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[saturncoyote]

After much work i have finally written down my analysis on the fictional character Creek from hit children's movie Trolls 2016, open Read More on your own discretion because this shit is about to get long

Alright let's start with a small summary for the folks that have never watched a Trolls movie and don't really know anything about Creek outside of the plethora of art i've made about him

Creek is one of the movie's side characters and secondary villain, he is Poppy's (the main character) friend and acts as a short-of twist villain (i'll explain that 'short-of' later,). Although shown to be a stereotypical nature-loving hippie he later betrays his friends and everyone he's ever known as he sells out the location of their village to Bergens, a race who 20 years ago used to keep the pop trolls in a large cage and would eat them once a year during a holiday called Trollstice.

He is first introduced when Branch (the movie's second protagonist) is confronting Poppy about her decision to throw a party, arguing that this could attract the attention of the Bergens, this is also where my first point about Creek's character begins First thing to notice is that, unlike what some people would like you to believe, Creek is NOT the only troll in Poppy's friend group (the Snack Pack) to be dismissive towards Branch, if anything Poppy herself is the only one in the group that seems to want to give him a chance ("i think everyone deserves to be happy"). Creek also shows up late to the conversation, only appearing once Branch escalates the situation by throwing Poppy's party invitation to the floor and stomping on it. You could easily argue that, in Creek's perspective, he is only doing what a good friend should do and protecting his friend from someone who is being cruel towards them, and although Branch has a GOOD reason to be upset and we later find out more about his backstory, there is no reason for us to believe that Creek or even the rest of the Snack Pack know anything about his situation, to THEM Branch is nothing but a party pooper who actively chooses to stay miserable ("some folks just don't want to be happy")

One point that i sometimes see that i would like to snip in the bud as soon as possible is that Creek doesn't truly care about his friends, especially Poppy, and is only using her to get something out of her (what exactly ? well we don't know, we could especulate that since she is the princess, he may want to use her for her status, possibly wanting to become royalty himself, but we're not here for that), the reason i bring this up now is because of the scene that follows the interaction with Branch, where Creek is the first one to notice that Poppy is still upset about the results of the conversation, not only that but he doesn't seem too happy about it himself

It would have been extremelly easy to animate him smiling or looking smug after Branch storms off, but that doesn't happen, he even glances down at the ground before looking towards Poppy, which is when he attempts to cheer her up. This small scene ALONE already leads me to believe that he truly does care, and although his attempts at cheering her up aren't exactly the best nor the most productive ("tune out his negative vibrations Poppy, they're toxic") he is still trying.

However we do not get enough time to find out more about his relationship with Poppy outside of this very moment as the next scene in the movie is the party and their imminent capture by the Chef Bergen, this is where i'd like to remind you that i called him only a "short-of" twist villain. For a twist villain to truly work we first need to understand why this character is considered to be a "good guy", and their relationship with the protagonist, so that the incoming reveal of them being the antagonist has a impact, not only on the other characters, but the audience themselves. The thing about Creek is that we don't GET that insight into his relationship with Poppy, they interact TWICE before the reveal, and one of those interactions is Poppy attempting to save him from being carried away by a Bergen, therefore the "twist" itself falls flat... but what if i told you that was done on purpose by Dreamworks ?

Before the existence of Creek there was another character who was meant to take his place in the storyline, and her name was Miss Guffin

According to concept art, Miss Guffin was originally going to be Poppy's mentor, and be captured by the Chef Bergen, and much like Creek she would sell out the other trolls as an attempt to save herself. Now that would have had a much bigger impact, not only on the audience as they realise that the respectful elderly character was a selfish coward at heart, but for Poppy as she would have had a much closer relationship with Guffin as her mentor. So why was she changed ? It's simple really, she was just too likeable.

Creek, by design, was created to be unlikeable, not only so that his reveal wouldn't upset the audience, but so that you wouldn't feel pity about his eventual demise. THIS is what i mean when i refer to him as a character "doomed by the narrative", he only exists because a much more appealing character had to be turned down for the sole reason of not upsetting those who watch the movie, he would never have been allowed to have a closer relationship with Poppy, because that would have given the viewer a emotional attachment to him, and we can't have that. Creek is a tragic character in the sense that he was destined to be the traitor, not only a traitor but a unredeemable one, and i understand why that is, there was never going to be enough time in the movie to give him a satisfying redemption, and it would have thrown off the entire flow of the story, killing him off was a much easier choice than trying to squeeze an awkward redemption at the very end, but that doesn't stop me from wishing that there WAS more. His fate feels unfair to me, as his only crime is being kind of a dickhead, and it's hard to blame him for his decision to sell out Pop Village when his only other option wasn't much better, so let's talk about that next.

In the next scene where we see Creek, him and the rest of the Snack Pack have been put in a cage by the Chef, this is where i'd like to point out that his first reaction to this predicament is to try and get everyone else to stay calm ("Woah, woah ! Everyone, we must all remain calm") This scene leads directly to the one where he gets nearly eaten by King Gristle, and when i say nearly i mean it, he is shoved INTO his mouth and assumed dead by everyone except for Poppy, who is only holding out hope that he is still alive. Of course we later find out that he is indeed, not dead, but that is only because he clung to Gristle's uvula causing him to choke and spit him out. The way we find out that he is alive is through Gristle himself, who reveals to Bridget that he has him locked inside his cape's clasp

Notice how little space he has in there, i'd say barely any to move let alone breathe, as he lets out a desperate gasp just as the clasp is opened. We do not know how much time has passed since he escaped being nearly eaten alive, but we can estimate it has to have been at least a few hours, as quite a few events happen between the formerly mentioned scene and this one. We do NOT get to see what happens between him, Gristle and the Chef during that time, which means we can only ESPECULATE why he was put in there in the first place, so allow me to do just that:

- Firstly, we do not know if Creek agreed right away to the Chef's request to reveal the location of the village, for all we know he might have declined to do so, and putting him into a small claustrophobic space was a way to give him that final push. - However this could have also been a way to stop him from escaping and telling the other trolls of the Bergen's plan, but i fail to see why they would have had to resort to such a, let's be honest here, barbaric method of keeping him put, when a normal cage would have done the job just as well, perhaps the Chef wanted to make sure he wouldn't change his mind. - Thirdly, this could have been a way to have someone keep an eye on him as the Chef busied herself with other things, essentially making Gristle the guard to Creek's prison No matter what option you decide makes the most sense, one thing is clear: Creek was tortured

At last we finally reach the moment he reveals to Poppy, Branch and the rest of the Snack Pack that he plans on betraying all of them and selling out the location of the village, this is the scene that is supposed to make you despise him, for being so cowardly and selfish that he'd rather let everyone he's ever known die horribly than.... give up his own life ? Hold up did i read that right, oh... hm Creek is a character who finds himself in a situation out of his control and is forced to make a decision between two truly awful options, he can either let himself be eaten or everyone else goes, there is NOT a correct answer here, and in the end his sense of self preservation wins. A decision probably influenced by the fact that before this moment, he had spent hours trapped in a small space with barely enough oxygen. There was NEVER going to be another way, as the Chef states herself:

Especially bringing attention to how he acts in this scene, to me it comes across less like he's finally showing his true colors as a manipulative person, and more like he's desperately trying to justify his actions not only to Poppy but to himself ("At least you get to die with a clear conscience")

And it seems like he's successful in doing so, for him at least, what other options does he have ? It's either give up your own life, or convince yourself that what you're about to do isn't truly that bad, he chooses to look at it with a positive outlook, ignoring the very obviously bleak reality he finds himself in ("So in a way... You could say... I'm doing this for you")

Another thing about this scene is that we don't really get to see his true feelings on the situation, as during this conversation the Chef Bergen is actively sharpening knifes in the background, even if he did want to come up with a escape plan or air out how he feels about this predicament they find themselves in, he would be unable to do so, as the person who could easily just snatch him up and kill him right then and there stands in the very same room. And that is a recurring thing when it comes to Creek, we don't get to SEE much of him, we don't see the events leading up to his betrayal, we don't really get to see his relationship with Poppy or even the rest of the Snack Pack for that matter, we don't SEE how he feels about being trapped inside Gristle's cape clasp or having to choose between himself or his friends, and honestly we probably never will. For a secondary villain he barely gets any screen time at all, and the screen time he does get is spent in near constant live-threatening danger.

And finally, his story comes to an end, the Bergens discover true happyness, Chef Bergen is defeated, and the last time we see Creek he's getting swallowed up by a mountain sized creature, the very thing he tried so hard to save himself from, to the point that he would give up everyone he's ever loved, happens regardless of his choice, was he even given a choice in the first place ? When both options led him to the same fate ? I would say it's almost tragically poetic if it didn't feel like salt to the wound.

Of course, Trolls: The Beat Goes On exists, but it's not even close to being a good continuation of his character let alone a satisfying redemption, his introduction is incredibly rushed, characters who have no reason to forgive him for his actions immediatelly welcome him back with open arms, and the one person who doesn't do so is shown to be in the wrong even though his reaction and suspicion make complete sense.

Besides, TBGO is it's own can of worms and opening it now would only make this post longer than it needs to be, so i'll spare you from that.

My final point is that Creek is a much more complex and interesting character than the story would like you to believe, and it CAN be quite frustating seeing people brush him off as just a selfish fraud who never truly cared about anyone but himself when there's really so much more under the surface. Of course i'm not saying that you should love him, hell you don't even need to like him, he has a lot of flaws and has made terrible decisions, but that's also exactly the reason why i am so keen on giving him a better ending. He shouldn't need to be perfect to deserve a nicer fate, to be given an actual choice for once, one that isn't going to blow up in his face in the end, the ability to be better and do better. You don't deserve to be tossed aside just because you have a big ego or some other personal flaw, you don't deserve to be considered unredeemable because you were put in a situation out of your control, making a bad decision shouldn't define your existence for the rest of your life.

I've come to accept that Creek is a very important character to me, he's a character who NEEDS to be selfish for the story to work the way it does, one who's the narrative is actively trying to make as unlikeable as possible at all times, but it's attempts had an opposite effect on me, and the more i dug only solidified him as my favorite in the entire franchise. I love him because of his unused potential, potential that'll most likely never get a true chance to shine due to Dreamworks not seeming to really care about him as a character, so i have taken upon myself to do what canon failed to. If i had to pick ONE THING for folks that read this post to get out of it, is that you should never be embarassed of your enjoyment for a fictional character, no matter how unlikeable or one-dimensional they seem to be, analyse every frame they show up in, write that fanfic, draw that art, create that self indulgent AU, find meaning where no one else did

[hotgirlssupportlando]

one day x lando norris pt 5

this is a part of my series following one day of every summer from 2016 onwards in y/n’s and lando's lives, exploring their friendship and love for one another. ofc not a smooth ride with some angst and fights along the way. a friends to lovers, growing up together kind of thing. read first part here pairing: lando norris x fem!reader summary of this part: y/n is with her friends watching an f1 race where she and lando met for the first time a few years ago. wc: 1,3k a/n: one of my fav moments in f1 is when lando got this podium, it was and still is so nerve wracking to watch! but yeah let's just forget that that race was without audience, so i modified it a bit :)

summer of 2020

Red Bull Ring, Austria

the atmosphere at a grand prix weekend is something y/n can’t compare to anything else. there was no better feeling than hopping of a bus, walking towards the circuit and hear the f2 cars roar in the distance, you just knew it was gonna be a good day. with a huge smile she and her friends from uni walked along the strip of tents selling merch and drinks. they were on a roadtrip through europe and the four girls and herself accidentally came across five grandstands tickets to the race day and just couldn't resist going. y/n was beyond excited, not only for the race but also as this was the first time she was back at the red bull ring since she met lando there four years ago.

”omg, look y/n there’s the fan stage we have to go there immediately!!” her friend squealed grabbing her hand. excitingly they ran to the crowd who was stood cheering for the renault boys, danny ric and esteban ocon. ricciardo of course got the crowd bursting into laughter at practically anything he said and y/n and her friends were no exception. after a while the mclaren boys entered the staged instead, causing y/n to freeze for a sec. seeing lando on the stage, goofing around like his old self, was some kind of shock to her. obviously she knew that he would be there but she wasn’t prepared to see him like this, like the boy she met at this very place years ago. 

since last summer the pair had met once or twice but it wasn’t like it used to be before he got into f1. he was always so busy nowadays, constantly on his phone when they were hanging out, barely hearing what she talked to him about, it felt like talking to a brick wall. a bit funny that he was always on the phone but it sometimes took days for him to answer her messages or facetime calls. so after a while she kind of gave up, of course they would text each other now and then but not even close to how much they kept in touch before f1, which of course saddened her at times but what could she do? he was living his best life now, and apparently she wasn’t included in that. 

but there he was, 40 meters away laughing at someone’s sign, with no clue that his friend he hadn’t seen in forever was in the crowd too. ”isn’t that your friend? the one that aalways called you?” one friend asked y/n while another added ”ooh i remember him! he used to call you every time when we were at y/f/n’s studying. kinda cute y/n!! you never told us that??”. y/n laughed remembering how she and lando used to talk almost every night that first year at uni when he was still in f2. they would talk about everything, updating one another about every little boring detail in their lives and some nights they would just sit in each others company without talking about anything, with their phone calls usually ending when one of them fell asleep. oh well. now she just waved her friends away, blushing at the fact that they remembered so much details about their old friendship. 

after a while they were heading towards their grandstand seats not too far away from the start and the podium. with a beer in each hand they were soon stood cheering at any minor happening at their part of the track and y/n felt so truly happy with her friends alongside her having the best time of her life. 

later on, with a few mandatory courses at college in german under her belt, y/n tried to figure out what the german commentators were talking so excitedly about lando for. to be completely honest, those courses didn’t contribute too much, as the only thing she understood was ’hamilton’, ’lando’ and ’fünf’ which was probably the language skills an elementary school student would’ve had. but with the help of her friends they figured out that hamilton got a five second penalty and that lando had to make up a whole lotta time to score his first f1 podium. and holy fuck. when y/n understood that a podium was possible? she became a total wreck, she didn’t know if she would jump up and down of excitement or if that would jinx it or if it was best to look away and hope for the best. 

however, that last lap felt like it went in slow motion, y/n carefully watching every motion lando’s car did at the screen in front of them. she saw him drive by their grandstand towards the finish line, immediately looking at the screen. lando's gap was 4.8 seconds to hamilton. 4.8 SECONDS??? did she read that right?? with some kind of magical powers lando had caught up with lewis’ penalty and got a fkn podium?? she couldn’t believe her eyes. how was it possible?

in some kind of hallucination she and her friends ran onto the track as fast as possile and onwards to the podium to see the champagne pop up close. it felt so special to be a part of his first ever podium in f1. seeing him up there with the biggest smile in the word, enjoying every bit of it. y/n couldn’t have been more proud of him.

after all the celebrations and the overwhelming excitement had laid off a bit and the girls were slowly walking away from the podium, y/n couldn’t help but recognize a smaller podium a bit further away. ”i’ll catch you in a bit, i’m just gonna go look at one thing over here” she told her friends while she walked towards the small podium. could it really be it?

it sure was. looking around the podium all the memories from a few years ago came back to her. she recognized every little bit, exactly where she had been running around desperately seeking lando at the podium, remembering how anxious she had been not finding him, thinking she was never going to see him again. and how he appeared from nowhere, surprising her with pepsi and flowers. y/n could perfectly picture it where they had stood sharing their first and only kiss, how happy she had felt in that very moment.

her 20-year old self was now stood smiling at a patch of grass with a half rotten podium on. waking up from her little daydream she realized that after all these years, she still felt so strongly for lando, and not only as friends. she just had to tell him in some sort of way or at least hint about it. so she grabbed her phone, set it up a couple of meters away, turning on the timer and ran to the place where they had kissed. there she stood in her summer dress, similar to the one four years ago, with her hand held up at her eyebrows as if she was looking for someone. *click*. as the photo was taken she excitedly ran to it, opened her instagram dm’s and started writing to lando ”if i remember correctly, a podium at red bull ring means i owe you a kiss?” and was about to add the photo when she saw that lando had posted something on his story. might as well look at that first. 

y/n froze. ”no no no no, this can’t be true, please no lando” she started hyperventilating, falling onto her knees. she looked up towards the sky as to somehow stop the flood of tears that she felt coming. but nothing could stop these heartbroken tears from streaming and she couldn’t care less if anyone saw her in the state that she was. still on her knees she looked once again at lando’s instagram story, a picture of him with a trophy in one hand and what seemed like a girlfriend with flowers and champagne in her hands with the words ”there’s no one like you, love you forever”.

_____

taglist

@amberpanda99 @phantomxoxo @landossainz @chezmardybum @lan4cha16 @tvdtw4ever @starlit-skiessss @dorothea47 @hadids-world @nzygftoji @sltwins

[its-avalon-08]

okay so fernando crashing (that one crash in 2016) and y/n almost dying because thats the scariest crash ever, and a little onto how she takes care of injured fernando at home afterwards

just died and already joking (fa14)

the roar of the engines was a familiar symphony to y/n, a comforting background hum during race weekends. but today, at the 2016 australian grand prix, the sound was a jarring dissonance. a tremor ran through the mclaren garage as the race director's voice crackled over the speakers, "red flag at turn 3. incident involving car number 14..."

y/n's blood turned to ice. fernando's car number. the television mounted on the wall flickered to life, showing a replay of the corner. fernando, attempting a daring overtake, misjudged the speed of the haas behind him. the cars made contact, a sickening crunch echoing even through the speakers. fernando's mclaren, a once sleek machine, became a crumpled orange projectile, launched into the air before slamming back down onto the tarmac.

a suffocating silence descended upon the garage. y/n's vision swam. her breaths came in shallow gasps, each one a struggle against the rising tide of panic. her heart hammered a frantic rhythm against her ribs, threatening to burst free. she grabbed the nearest technician's arm, her voice barely a whisper, "is he alright? is fernando alright?"

the technician, a young man with a perpetually worried expression, could only offer a helpless shake of his head, glued to the replay on the screen. every agonizing second stretched into an eternity. then, a miracle. the camera panned to the wreckage, and a figure, miraculously, emerged from the cockpit. it was fernando, limping slightly, but alive.

relief washed over y/n in a wave so powerful it nearly knocked her off her feet. tears streamed down her face, a mixture of terror and gratitude. the garage erupted in cheers, the tension finally broken. but for y/n, the ordeal was far from over.

the sterile white of the hospital room pressed in on y/n. the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor was the only counterpoint to the crushing silence in her head. tears welled up again, blurring the figure of fernando lying motionless on the bed. she sniffled, wiping her nose with the back of her hand, desperately willing herself not to make a sound.

a groan escaped fernando's lips, his eyelids fluttering open. he squinted against the harsh light, his vision slowly focusing on the hunched figure by his bedside. "y/n?" he rasped, his voice dry.

y/n's head snapped up, her eyes wide with a mixture of relief and something else, something fierce. "fernando!" she choked out, scrambling to her feet and rushing to his side.

he tried for a weak smile. "so, that's how they greet their favorite formula one driver in this place, huh? with tears?"

the lightness in his voice did nothing to dispel the storm brewing in hers. "don't you joke about this, fernando alonso!" she erupted, her voice surprisingly strong despite the tremor that ran through it. "do you have any idea what i've been through these past hours? seeing you on that screen, mangled..." her voice broke, a sob escaping her lips.

he reached out a hand, wincing slightly at the movement, but she swatted it away. "don't touch me," she said fiercely, tears streaming down her face now. "don't you understand? i almost lost you! and you... you joke?"

fernando's smile faltered. he saw the raw fear reflected in her tear-filled eyes, a fear that mirrored his own. he squeezed his eyes shut, the memory of the crash flashing before him.

"y/n," he said, his voice softer now, "i'm okay. i'm here. look at me."

she hesitated, then slowly met his gaze. the anger in her eyes had softened, replaced by a deep well of worry.

"i know you are scared," he continued, his voice laced with sincerity. "believe me, i am too. but i'm here, and i'm not going anywhere. not as long as you need me."

y/n's breath hitched. she sank onto the chair beside the bed, burying her face in her hands. a choked sob escaped her lips. he wasn't wrong. the thought of losing him was unbearable.

fernando shifted slightly, wincing again. "hey," he said gently, "how about we ditch the tears and celebrate the fact that i'm alive? we can order your favorite greasy hospital food, how does that sound?"

a watery chuckle escaped y/n's lips. "you're unbelievable," she mumbled, wiping her face with the back of her hand.

"just the best kind of unbelievable," he said with a wink, a hint of his usual bravado returning.

y/n shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips. maybe, just maybe, they could find some normalcy amidst the wreckage. as long as they had each other.

days later, fernando lay sprawled on the couch in their apartment, a bandage adorning his forehead and a deep purple bruise blossoming across his left cheek. the crash, which y/n called an absolute shitshow, had left him with a cracked rib and a severe case of whiplash.

y/n hovered over him like a protective hawk. "don't even think about getting up," she said sternly, her voice laced with a tremor that betrayed her worry. "the doctor said complete rest."

fernando, normally a picture of restless energy, found himself subdued. the crash had shaken him more than he cared to admit. he reached for her hand, a weak smile gracing his lips. "alright, alright, mama bear. but don't you think you're being a little overprotective?"

y/n swatted his hand playfully, the concern still evident in her eyes. "a little? fernando, you could've..." her voice trailed off, the memory of that terrifying crash still raw.

he squeezed her hand gently. "i'm okay, y/n. thanks to you keeping me grounded, literally."

the following days fell into a quiet routine. y/n transformed into a florence nightingale, fetching him food, helping him shower, and reminding him to take his medication. the normally bustling apartment became a haven of forced stillness.

one evening, as they sat in comfortable silence, fernando broke the quiet. "you know," he began, "seeing your face in the garage... that scared me more than the crash itself."

y/n looked up at him, a flicker of vulnerability in her eyes. "me too." a beat of silence followed. "seeing you walk away from that... it was a miracle."

he pulled her close, his voice a murmur against her hair. "amore you're too good for me. you're my miracle, y/n. always."

the crash might have left physical scars on fernando, but for y/n, it was a deeper wound, a reminder of her greatest fear. yet, in the quiet moments of recovery, they found a deeper strength in their bond, a resilience forged in the crucible of fear.

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

well i hope you liked it! thank you for sending in your request and do send more <3 happy reading!

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

[magics-neptunes-things]

Williamson Holding

Hi guys!

Sooo this is a request from @holly-wallis and honestly it's massive. Like more than 14K words. It took me forever to do it, that's why I haven't post as much as before those last days/weeks.

I really hope that you will enjoy it. I proofread it two times but it's so big that I might have forgot some faults.

TW : Angst, Jealousy, Break up, One-side love, Game lost, mention of Covid. Reader is Leah Williamson's sister.

Gif credit for Caitlin’s one at @teenwolf-theoriginals

______________________________________________________________

You were an accident. Not really wanted at first, you were born 354 days after Leah, the 18 March 1998. Your parents weren’t ready to have a second child so early after the birth of their first daughter, but you never felt anything but love from them. People joke sometimes that they used the same recipe for Leah and for you. It’s true that you look a lot like her physically and for the character you have definitively some similar points too. You both are determined, loyal, funny, and very close of your family. But the person you are the closest is definitively Leah.

3 years after you, your brother Jacob is born. You like to joke about it and saying that they finally weren’t to traumatize by you more than that. Jacob is your brother, and you love him very much, but your relationship is different from the one with Leah. You like having time with him, but with him being away in Australia now, it’s a little bit harder.

Oh, and like Leah and your mother you’re an Arsenal fan, obviously.

You started football together, but you played the goalkeeper, letting Leah practicing striking and dribbling. You weren’t bad to be honest, but they was to many competition to be a goalkeeper and you decided during your teenager period to go for study instead of football.

You were great in it honestly; Leah sometimes asked you to do her homework when she came back too late from training. You’ll do it with pleasure, happy to help your big sister who paid you generously in candy. Or dried mango, your great passion.

On day after Leah turned 17, she made her big debut with Arsenal senior team. You were so proud of her, cheering her from the stand with all your family. It was very different of what it is now, but you already knew that she would make something amazing in football. And how much were you right.

It was at this period that Leah and you talked about a company that you could make together. Leah was studying accounting in case of her career wasn’t successful and you were very interested in marketing, publicity and human relations.

The Williamson Holding Corporation was founded in summer 2016, when you finished your tuition. You learned several languages (French, Spanish and Mandarin) during your free time and thanks to Leah and your parent’s financial help, you were able to start this adventure. Your company always were able to have a good profit every year. You were able to repay your parents already and Leah always refused, so you made her a founder, just like you.

Through the years, your company get a sponsorship with Arsenal and in particular Arsenal Women, obviously. Along the years, you managed to travel a lot to make your company known in other countries and find other financials, but you always managed to come back to see Leah play. You never missed one of her games, as crazy at it sound.

February 2020 – When you properly met Caitlin for the first time.

“Y/N! Sorry, can I borrow my sister for one second?”

Leah doesn’t wait for the answer to your interlocutor and takes your arm to drag you somewhere else. You let her though, secretly happy to have to finish this uninterested discussion with that weird man. You note mentally to be sure not to invite him to the next gala.

“Where’s the dead body?” you ask your sister who rolls her eyes.

“Don’t joke about it, we’ll get catch by Covid otherwise.”

You roll your eyes yourself, but don’t say anything. You just wait to your sister to stop at some time, for what she almost kidnapped you. You end up right in front of Caitlin Foord, the new signing for Arsenal. You already saw her to the games, you smirked when you caught her looking at you two time before realizing that you weren’t Leah, the first time she saw you. To her point, you were wearing Leah’s jersey.

“Cait, my sister. Sis, this is Caitlin.” Leah introduces you, before leaving you both to catch someone else.

“Uh, hello?” Caitlin mumbles with surprise, apparently not advertise that Leah were going to introduce you both.

“Hi” you giggle. “Nice to be properly introduced to you. Please excuse my sister, she isn’t the one who studied human relations.”

Your giggles and your joke help Caitlin to relax and you’re happy to see her smiling too.

“I can see that” Caitlin answers with her Australian accent.

You had a small talk with her about Australia, a country where you never been for now. You really looked to it though, and not only to have the opportunity to make your company bigger. Jacob and you always talked about going there for holidays. And after talking to Caitlin, you will definitively go to the east part of the country.

You were joined by Katie McCabe and the three of you started talking for a long time after that. Caitlin asked you several questions about your company and seems surprised to learn the amount of work you are putting in it.

“She’s a natural” Katie smirks “Everyone comes eat in her hand, she can make people do whatever she wants.”

You smirk back, raising an eyebrow while crossing your arms on your chest at the same time.

“Not everything with everyone.”

Katie doesn’t have the time to answer anyway, because Leah is back with her Williamson’s frown.

“No flirting with my teammates Y/N!”

“I wasn’t! I wouldn’t have any problem with Irish mafia.” you answer, thinking about Katie’s girlfriend.

You raise both of your hands to prove your innocence. Katie and you aren’t really flirting, it was more for fun and for joking with each other. Katie laughs while Leah hums for any answer and changed the subject just after that, training you, Katie and Caitlin in the discussion.

The night went great, and you are happy to be able to have some time with Leah’s teammates who are also your friends, especially the ones who are in the team since a long time. You get along pretty well with Caitlin too, who would accept really quickly to at least make a photoshoot and a sponsoring for your company. Unfortunately there is suddenly the lockdown and you weren’t able to do it before that.

October 2020 – The shooting

“Hi Y/N!”

You smile to the employee who greats you when you enter the building where the photoshoot for Caitlin was attending. Being at every single one is something you do every time, so your employees aren’t surprised to see you coming. You great them back, asking around if everything is fine with everyone. It seems to be, so you go to find Caitlin.

The Australian girl is just coming out of the room where she changed her clothes and find herself right in front of you.

“Oh hi! I didn’t know you will come.”

“I like to be here for this kind of things” you answer with a smile. “How are you?”

“I’m fine thank you” she smiles back.

“Y/N are you ok if we start?” the photographer asks.

“Of course. I’m going to sit here.”

You look at your phone on the way, answering a message from one of your managers before sitting on a chair some meters away from the different cameras. Caitlin doesn’t seem to be at ease at first, but soon she finds her way. You have a perfect and entirely trust in your team, but you have already red too much time how people can make other bad with their comportment, and you clearly don’t want that in your company. That’s why you don’t have a lot of employees too. That and the fact that you love have the control on everything.

After several shots, the photographer decides to make a break and you come over to see what the pictures look like. They are great to be honest.

“I really love this one” you smile, pointing one of the pictures.

Caitlin’s blue eyes are really showing in it. You haven’t realized how blue they are since now to be honest. You then raise your gaze on the girl, just to cross the same blue.

“I think this is my favorite too.”

You hum, before congratulating the photographer for her job. It’s the first time she does it for you, but you will certainly ask her to work for you again. She’s young, like you, and you like the idea to help young people to start in their life. Provided they deserve it, of course.

They take other pictures after that, and you choose five of them to post on the social media.

“Do you want to go to eat something?” you ask Caitlin when everything is finished.

You don’t always have the time to do it with everyone, but when you can, you do it. Like you said before, almost every girl in Arsenal is your friend. You know some of them more, like Jen Beattie, Katie McCabe, or Lia Wälti who are the closest to Leah to be honest. But you like all of them. You didn’t have the time to meet Steph Catley for now though. It probably will be coming soon.

Caitlin accepted your offer, and you take her to one of your favorite restaurants.

“I didn’t expect to eat at Nando’s to be honest” Caitlin smiles after you sat at your table.

“Oh” you answer, looking up from the menu you know by heart. “We can go somewhere else if you want, I thought – “

“No, it’s perfect here. I like it. I used to go there with my Mum and my sister a lot back in Australia.”

You smile softly, relaxing a little bit. People seems to forget sometimes that you are still a young woman who can enjoy eating burger or fries with her fingers.

“How are you settling in London?” you ask after the waiter came to take your command.

“Good, actually. The rain is something else, but the girls are great.”

“I heard you especially like the Swiss part” you smirk.

You laugh when Caitlin blushes. Leah told you about Lia and Caitlin relationship several weeks ago, when they start to date officially. You don’t have to tell Caitlin how you know it though; the girl understands it really quickly.

“Leah talks too much” she smiles nevertheless. “What about you? Are you seeing someone?”

“Not for now” you shake your head, adding when you see Caitlin’s questioning look. “I mean I had some dates slash fling with someone but it’s hard to be in a relationship while working so much. Girls seems to have a hard time understanding I will pass my family and my job before something else. I can understand though, so it’s better for me to be single for now.”

“I didn’t know you were into girls too. You really are Leah’s copy.”

“Maybe” you smile.

Your sister is your favorite person ever. You will never be upset to be compared to her. In your eyes, she’s the most amazing person in the world.

“I am lucky to be able to see her so much. I won’t be able to deal with it as good as you do.”

“It’s very hard sometimes. Because of the lockdown and all I wasn’t able to go back to Australia. I haven’t seen them for almost a year now…”

You wince at the sadness suddenly present in Caitlin’s eyes, regretting to have point this. You are interrupted by the waiter and your meal coming for you, but you excuse yourself anyway.

“I’m sorry to bring it up. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I know, don’t worry” Caitlin smiles softly. “I will see them soon now.”

You look into Caitlin’s eyes for some more seconds to be sure that she’s saying the truth, before nodding slowly. She seems to be honest, and you are really relieved. Starting a friendship like this would have been the worst way. You finally smile back and report your attention on your plate just after Caitlin did.

The following of the conversation is a little easier, talking about Arsenal helps a lot. You talk to Caitlin about all the little things she maybe didn’t know for now and learn a lot of things about her and her past. She talked to you about her childhood and the financial difficulties her mother had, raising two children as a single mom. That makes you realize one more time how lucky you are to be where you are now. This kind of stories remember you about it and it’s never enough in your opinion.

October 2021 – The surprise

Unlike Caitlin was hopping, she wasn’t able to see her family as much as she wanted. She went in Switzerland with Lia though and told you that it was a very great time. You thought about her sometimes, remembering the trouble her eyes did to you, but you erased this kind of thoughts very quickly. Caitlin was in a happy relationship and there is no way you even look at a no-single lady.

You managed to build a friendship with her though and you sometimes went out with her, Lia, and Leah. You had a great time every time and you decided that it was perfect for you like this.

Caitlin opened herself to you about missing her family, but the tickets to come in London from Australia were expensive and you know that she doesn’t mean it like that, but you don’t think twice before contacting Caitlin’s sister and offering to them the tickets. They refuse at first, but you managed to find the good words. And, not for the situation being strange, you included Lia in the surprise.

After all, Caitlin was your friend and Lia was her girlfriend.

The Swiss woman went to the airport to take Jamie and her mother back to Caitlin home. Leah asked the team to put some interview or media things for Caitlin at the right time, to let you and her decorate Caitlin’s house with the most too much decoration ever. There is a banner writing “Surprise” on it, yellow and green balloons, an Australian flag, and you even managed to find a kangaroo balloon who is floating around the living room.

“That’s so kitsch. I love it” Leah smirks.

You giggle while looking around. You have to admit that you made a great job together. Two seconds after, Lia and the two Foord were coming inside the house. After some greetings and hugs, they looked at the decoration and approve it too.

“So, I guess this is our time to leave.” Leah says while looking at you.

You nod and prepare yourself to take your things to leave. It was without counting on Caitlin’s mother opinion.

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Simone asks with her Australian accent. “You helped to do that; you’re definitively staying.”

“But – “ you start.

“No but.”

You see Jamie, Caitlin’s sister, rolling her eyes at her mother antics, but you don’t have time to say something else because Lia comes, running from the entrance where she was looking outside.

“She’s here! Hide!”

After a moment of panic, Jamie and Simone hide behind the couch while Leah and you went to the kitchen. Two seconds later, the door is open.

“Lia? You’re home?” Caitlin asks.

“In the living room, Love.”

You hear the characteristic sound of keys dropping on a wood furniture and Caitlin walking to the living room. You can’t help but peek in the room, Leah doing exactly the same thing a second after, her head above yours.

“Surprise!”

Caitlin probably had a heart attack, but you can’t help but smile seeing her face. Lia is doing the same thing while Jamie and Simone went to hug the shocked girl. You smirk seeing Leah getting emotional, what’s coast you a slap on the head. You send her the Williamson’s glare, but she doesn’t seem to be impress by at for a single second. Which probably make sense.

After some tears and explications, Leah proposed to serve the Champagne she choose to celebrate the reunion. Your sister and you try to escape one more time to let the Foord in family, but Simone doesn’t let you one more time.

It’s a little bit later that you find yourself alone with Caitlin, while you were looking for something alcohol free to drink.

“Lia told me what you did. I don’t have the words to thank you enough.”

Of course, Lia isn’t the kind of girl to take credits for something she hasn’t done. You smile and shrug at Caitlin.

“You don’t have to. I was happy to do that for you.”

Caitlin bites her lip and looks in your eyes.

“You know, when I mention that the tickets were expensive…”

“I know you weren’t saying it for me to do that, Cait. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.”

“Ok.”

You smile again and were ready to go back to the living room, but Caitlin surprises you by giving you a hug. You weren’t expecting it to be honest, but it’s still pleasant. You hug her back, tightening her briefly against you.

“Thank you” she mumbles.

“You’re welcome.”

Spring 2022 – The Breakup

“Caitlin and Lia broke up”

“What?”

You stop your movement, your chopsticks between your mouth and your plate. You were having dinner with Leah in her house, like every Monday when you are in London. Leah snorts when the noodles fall back in your plate, making some sauce splash your shirt, but that’s not what you are concentrating on.

“What do you mean they broke up?”

Leah shrug et finish her chicken before answering you.

“It happened this weekend, Lia called me Sunday evening.”

“What happened?”

You were shocked. Lia and Caitlin seem to get along very well the last time you saw them.

“Nothing much. Lia said they just went apart and that her relationship was more comfortable than passionate now.”

“So, they’re ok?”

“I don’t really know for Caitlin. But Lia was still very upset about it. They are still friends and care for each other obviously, but they aren’t a couple anymore.”

You frown only, not really sure what to do about this information. Lia was a good friend of yours and you kind of have avoided Caitlin since you make her family come to England. You realized that day that you were too impacted with her happiness to be only a friend. In your mind, she was with Lia and this relationship would be like forever. It was to protect yourself too, falling for someone who isn’t single isn’t really your thing.

“Did you have news from Caitlin?”

“No” you answer, eating again. “I mean I saw her at the last games but that’s all.”

“Mh.”

“What?” you ask, raising an eyebrow.

“Nothing.”

“‘k.”

Several hours later, you were on your bed, your phone in your hand and the conversation with Caitlin opened. It wasn’t used since your birthday, Caitlin sent you a message to wish you happy birthday, but nothing since that.

Writing to her isn’t a good idea, even if she’s single now, she still in a middle of a breakup. But you still can be a good friend to her, right? You just have to put your feelings away.

From You Hi Caitlin, I heard about your breakup by Leah. I just wanted to tell that if you need someone to talk or something, don’t hesitate to call or write me, ok? I hope you’re ok. Take care of you.

You feel stupid to send her something like that after reading it again. It’s kind of cliché and you hate it. But surprisingly, Caitlin answers you relatively quickly.

From Caitlin Hello, thanks for your message. I will do and I hope you are ok too.

You bite your lips, not really happy about the answer. But in another way, what could you have expected? You didn’t really talk since last year and you were avoiding her like the plague. It’s only your fault.

After that day, you keep checking more frequently with Caitlin, asking her if she needs anything and how she is feeling. From what she answers, she was around a lot with Jordan and Katie. Your sister broke up some weeks ago with Jordan after longs years together, so that’s maybe the explanation of why Leah stays a little away of Caitlin.

You start to talk a lot and when Caitlin starts to be the first to write you can’t help but feel a strange something in your stomach. You also went to eat or drink something, your friendship slowly beginning to start again. You have to admit that you missed her. But she never said or show you anything to make you think that she missed you the way you do.

You think it’s better to have her in your life as a friend than not to have her, though.

Autumn 2022 – The New Season

You never missed a single match from Leah’s team since she plays for Arsenal, so there was no way that you will miss this one too. It’s the first game of the new season and you just came back from your holidays. You went some days with Leah in Ibiza before flying to Dubai with a friend.

You just have time to go home, take a shower and put your Arsenal jersey before coming to the stadium.

“Here she is!” Leah says happily when she sees you.

She hugs you like you haven’t seen each other in months and not ten days. But you hug her back, kissing her cheek before she releases you.

“Someone got a tan” she smirks, taking a step back to have a better look at you.

Unlike Leah, you have the ability to tan. Leah just gets red when she exposed herself without protection. You roll your eyes but don’t respond anything, your attention being catch by a certain Australian striker coming in your direction, five steps away from Leah now.

“And you’re not with your girlfriend?” Leah asks, a teasing smirk always on her face.

“Girlfriend?”

By now Caitlin is just next to Leah and was able to hear your sister. You roll your eyes at her antics before answering.

“She’s not my girlfriend, she’s a friend.”

You frown when Leah snorts and left saying something like “yeah sure”. You watch her leave several seconds before turning to Caitlin.

“She’s not my girlfriend” you say again.

You don’t know why you feel the need to assure that to Caitlin, she probably doesn’t give a single shit about it. In fact, she smiles at you and pass an arm around you to salute you. You didn’t talk a lot a lot during those ten days, the different timetables were insane.

“It’s good to see you” she says before letting you go.

“Good to see you too. How is the comeback from Australia?”

“Still a little jet lag, but I’m fine.”

You smile at her and take the time to really look at her. You don’t do it a lot, scared to fall for her again. I mean, harder. Because now that you have thought about it a little more, you remembered that Leah always told you not to even flirt with one of her teammate. Falling in love with one of them would be worse than everything. You know that she will react very badly to you in a relationship with one of them. You are scared to lose her; Leah will probably never forgive you if she learns that you are in love with Caitlin.

“You look good” you smile sincerely at her.

“Thanks”

You both hear someone calling her on the back, the drills are going to begin, and she has to go.

“Hey, are you still in London tomorrow?” she asks suddenly.

“Yes, why?”

“There is a new place near mine, and they are making brunch who look stunning. Do you want to come?”

“Sure” you smile. “Text me the address and the time.”

After a nod and a smile, she’s gone where she’s needed. The game went great, they got an easy win. And you try to stay impartial when Caitlin got carded.

Christmas 2022 – The New Delivery service

You were at your parent’s house with all your family, without counting Jacob who stayed in Australia this year. Your mother was sad but thanks to a long video call during the moment when you all opened your presents, she seems a little less sad about it. You eat way too much, drink maybe a little too much too. That’s why your mother more or less forbade you to take your car to go home.

Leah stayed too and you are both chilling in one of your parents’ couch with a hot tea. Some Christmas movie is on TV, but you are in a food coma and can’t really focus on it to be honest. You are cuddling against Leah who is playing with your hair.

“Have you heard from Caitlin those days?” your sister asks suddenly.

“We said Merry Christmas to each other this morning, but I guess she’s sleeping now given the time. Why you ask?”

The friendly relationship you have with Caitlin is known by a lot of your friends and family now. And despite all your efforts, you are now deeply in love with her. Seeing her at least both a week don’t help, but you can’t help yourself. When you’re not asking, Caitlin proposes you something and you can’t say no to her.

She told you during autumn that she doesn’t feel very well in her life sometimes, so you made the statement to keep an eye on her.

“She asks to have a mental break. I’m not sure when or if she will come back from Australia. She will miss the first trainings for sure.”

“She didn’t say anything to me” you frown.

She doesn’t have to, to be fair. You are just friends, you’re not her best friend or her sister. She doesn’t owe you anything. But you are still worried.

Later, in your room, you are thinking about a way to send her a message. You don’t want to accuse her of anything or make her feel more pressure. You don’t want to take a place you don’t have too, you sometimes wonder if she’s not having something with Jordan, which would be a little strange maybe. But once again, she doesn’t owe you anything.

From You Hey, I’m sorry if you feel that it’s not my place to ask. But Leah told me that you needed a mental break, so I was wondering if you were ok?

You wait some minutes before thinking again and realizing the stupidity of your message.

From You Forget my question, it was stupid. You asked for a mental break, of course you’re not ok Can you forget those messages please?

You stop there not to look even more strange. You cringe when you throw your phone somewhere on your bed before deciding to go take a long and hot shower. You roll your eyes when your father menace you to make you pay their hot water bill but don’t say anything other than a “Sorry Dad”.

You smile when you hear Leah laughing from her room, before going back to your childhood bedroom. You have a double bed since you are eighteen so you can lay down crosswise it in your towel and look at the ceiling how you want. You soon start to think about how weird your messages to Caitlin were, so you take your phone again.

Just to see that you have two missed calls from Caitlin.

You call her back without waiting a single second, putting your headphone while you wait for her to answer. You realize that it was a FaceTime call only when she answers you with a black screen.

“Hello” she says in a sad voice.

You may be only imagining that because you learned about her need of a mental break only two hours ago.

“Hi. Sorry I missed your calls.”

“Don’t worry. Were you in the shower?”

“How do you know?” you frown.

“You literally are in a towel?”

You lower your eyes on your body and facepalm mentally. If you had one pound every time you humiliate yourself in front of her, you would have been way richer by now.

“Oh shit. Can you wait for a second?”

She hums and you put your phone on the bed to put a shirt and some panties, mentally insulting yourself. You take the time to take a big breath before going back in your bed and taking your phone in your hand.

“Are you still in bed?” you ask, curious about the black screen.

“No, I’m still in my room though. I just… I don’t know. It was stupid to me to call you in FaceTime.”

“Don’t worry. How are you feeling?”

“I’m tired. Like mentally tired. Being at home made me realize that I don’t have a lot keeping me at London right now.”

That hurt. But you don’t say anything, planting your nails deep into the skin of your palms.

“What are you talking about? You have friends here; the girls of the team love you. And the fans too.”

“The fans aren’t really happy of me right now, I’m not able to score a lot and making my job right. I keep disappointing everyone.”

“You have the right to feel a little uneasy, that doesn’t take away from you what you achieved those last months, you know.”

Caitlin doesn’t answer, but you hear her sight a little bit. You don’t know if it’s something to hide some tears and you feel your heart break a little imagining that. You let several seconds pass before talking again.

“What can make you feel better right now?”

“For real? One of the brunches we eat.”

You smile hearing that. The place next to her house became one of your favorite spots to eat together. You really love it too, maybe because you share a lot of secrets and laughs here.

“Really?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Nothing.”

You are lying. An idea had already pop in your head and you feel your brain running while you’re planning something in your head. Caitlin knows you enough to realize that you are up to something. You hear some shuffling, and you imagine that Caitlin just sits on her bed.

“What are you thinking?”

“Nothing” you answer, smiling.

“Y/N. Don’t you dare do something stupid.”

You did. The morning after the call, you went to the restaurant, took Caitlin usual command, and jump in the jet who belongs to your company. You don’t usually use it for long trip like this, but you wanted to be in Australia as soon as possible.

You feel a little bit stupid with your suitcase and the bag where Caitlin’s food is. You ask for it to be wrap carefully and explain that you want to take it on a trip, without mentioning it was a very long trip. Thanks to the fridge, you are sure that you won’t poison Caitlin.

You told to Leah that you have an urgent meeting somewhere in Australia with a possible investor that you can’t ignore. She’s a little bit gutted not to be able to pass New Year with you, but you promised to bring her some Lamington to eat with her tea. In fact, you’re not really lying, you do have someone who is interested by your company in Australia. You just aren’t really obliged to travel here to talk to him.

You swallow with difficulty when you are in front of Caitlin’s porch, hopping that you won’t have to face her mother or her sister. You didn’t mention to Caitlin that you were coming, so if she wants you to go away, you just will. You still have some things to do in Australia, you weren’t totally lying to Leah. You just hide the fact that your priority was to see Caitlin.

You take a big breath before knocking on the door. This is a bad idea. Maybe the worst idea you never had. Why are you so good in your job and so stupid when it concerns the girl you are in love with?

But you don’t have the possibility to stress even more, because soon the door is opening. Caitlin looks at you like you are a hallucination or something.

“Um. I have a delivery for miss Foord?”

You let your suitcase in the car you rent, so you just have the bag with the food in your hand. You lift it to show it to her and it doesn’t take her more than a second to recognize the logo.

“Y/N, what the hell?” she mumbles, taking it in her hand.

“I… Uh. Well, I have stuff to do in Australia for the company and I thought that because I’m on this part of the globe, it could be great to please you.”

You’re lying. And very bad. Caitlin is looking at you like you are crazy, and you can’t blame her, you made a 24 hours journey to take her some breakfast and see her. She’s not supposed to know the truth, but you feel like she has some suspicions. You feel yourself blush and offer her a small smile.

“I better go. Enjoy your food and see you later.”

Maybe you’ll go let yourself die in the middle of the Australian’s desert. With a little luck, some snake or scorpions are going to come to bite you and you will die in atrocious suffering.

“No, wait!”

She grabs your arm with her hand, and you turn in her direction. She’s looking at you with a strange gaze, that you don’t know from her.

“Do you want to drink something? We don’t have Earl Grey, but I still can make you a tea if you want to.”

“Ok” you smile softly.

Caitlin doesn’t let your arm go and took you inside. It’s very quiet and after several seconds you ask her if her mother or sister are here. She answers no, her sister is now leaving with her fiancé and her mother is working today. You nod, secretly relieved to know that you won’t have to face Simone for now. You’re pretty sure that she understood when you saw her the last time the real feelings you have for her daughter.

“Where are you staying?” Caitlin asks while you look at her making you a cup of tea.

“At Park Hyatt”

“In Sydney?”

You hum and she frowns while giving you the cup of tea. It’s fuming and because you are drinking a lot of tea, she knows that you like it with sugar and milk.

“And you wanted to go back in Sydney just after giving me the brunch?”

“Brunch that you aren’t eating, by the way.”

Realizing it, Caitlin takes the bag one more time before taking out the different packages. She still looking at you discreetly, but you busy yourself by drinking your tea.

New Year 2022-2023 – The New Beginning

Caitlin proposes to you to stay at her home and not to go to your hotel, but you refused. You don’t want to bother Caitlin or her mother. That doesn’t mean you don’t see Caitlin; in fact, you see her every day for several hours.

She even invited you to come to the party her friends are making for the New Year. You accepted, after asking her several times if she’s sure that you won’t be a burden. The third time you ask, she threatened to knock you out with her vegemite pot, so you stopped.

And when you’re not with Caitlin, you work. You don’t have the possibility to see your brother who is on the other side of Australia. You almost lost consciousness when you learned that it takes 41 hours by car to get to Perth. So, you promise Jacob that you will see him before going back to England. Still with your jet.

You call Leah and your mother every day, but you are still focused on your goal to make Caitlin comes back to London with you. She seems a little down to be honest, but she seems to be better day after day. It gives you hope.

“Would you like to stay her to sleep tonight?” Caitlin asks on the 31th December while you were sitting next to her on the couch.

“Oh… I don’t know, I still have my hotel room.”

“Come on, it’s like 2 hours from here. And if you drink, I would rather that you stay here. My Mother will sleep in one of her friend’s houses anyway.”

“Yeah, ok” you mumble. “Wouldn’t let you all alone I case you’ll be scared.”

You can see Caitlin’s smile from the corner of your eyes. You hate the pleasant feeling with the fact that she seems to care about you. One thing is sure, this trip doesn’t help you about how in love you are with this girl.

You never talked so much with Caitlin before now, and you never were so close of her. Like right now, you are watching TV and Caitlin’s legs are on yours. You put your hand on the knees of the Australian like it’s nothing, mechanically drawing shapes on it. Sometimes she put her head on your shoulder, and you have to concentrate yourself to stay cool about it.

You grab something to eat before going to take a shower and prepare for the party. You know that they would have been pictures of the night so you tell Leah that Caitlin invites you to pass the night with her and her friends, you know your sister would have been worried to learn that you are alone tonight. Or sad. And you don’t want any of it.

To be honest, you haven’t taken an outfit for the party, you thought that you would be alone in your hotel room. So, you have to shop in Sydney to find the right one. You were getting ready in Jamie’s old bedroom and were looking at yourself with skepticism when Caitlin comes to knock on the door.

“Can I come in?”

“Yep” you simply answer.

She enters the room, and you want to cry. You always had something for her with her hair down and with the outfit she chooses, she’s just breathtaking.

“You look stunning” you say, without thinking about the consequences.

You are surprised to see her blush and hide your smirk by finishing to style your hair.

“Can we take a picture for my sister?” you ask to the Australian woman.

She nods and you briefly hesitate between a selfie or a mirror picture. You choose the second one, posing with a smile and the V-form with your fingers while Caitlin is sticking out her tongue.

You send the picture to Leah with Caitlin looking above your shoulder. The proximity makes your heartbeat faster, but you try to keep it cool one again.

“Are you ready to go?”

You follow Caitlin outside and in the Uber you command to go to her friend’s house. Knowing you both will be drinking, it’s safer this way. You already met some of Caitlin’s friends during your stay and they all are very friendly. But tonight, they will be more of them. The house is pretty crowded already when you arrived, and you are relieved to feel Caitlin grabs your arm.

“Stay next to me, yeah?”

You thank the World for Caitlin being a little shy at first and making her able to understand that you might not feeling ok surrounded by a lot of stranger people. You take the excuse to cross the house to slip your hand in hers. Her hand is soft and warm, and you miss the feeling when you have to let her go.

Caitlin introduces you to some of her friend’s you haven’t met for now. And if you notice the interested and non-subtle look of one of them, you act like you don’t realize it at first. But then, she starts to talk to you so much that you almost don’t have the possibility to pass time with Caitlin.

At some point, you even lose sight of her. And you don’t like the idea, what if someone get close to her? In the way you dream of it? You don’t know if you would support it to be honest, not after being so close of her.

“Come on, let’s dance!” Julia tells you, taking you away of your thoughts.

She takes you on the part of the house being dedicated for the dancefloor and you follow her without saying anything. You look around to see if you can see Caitlin, but it seems like she’s not here. You distract yourself by dancing with Julia who is a pretty good dancer to be honest.

At some point, she comes closer to you to be able to be heard through the loud music. Her hand is on your hips and her mouth right next to your ear.

“It’s a shame that you live so far away. I really would like to know you better.”

You sigh internally, wondering how someone can flirt with you with such facilities when you can’t even make a hint for Caitlin to understand how much you care for her. You don’t have time to answer anything, because there is suddenly someone taking your arm and you recognize the softness of those hand before turning around.

“Mind if I take her back?” Caitlin asks.

Julia raises both of her hand in sign of surrender with a smile. She says something like “Talk to you later” but you don’t really listen to her, your eyes being plunged in Caitlin’s one.

She looks upset, but her voice is calm when she speaks to you.

“I’m going outside. Would you come with me?”

“Sure” you smile softly.

She hadn’t let go of your arm, but you pass your other around it to be sure not being separated from her during your journey to the door. You feel pathetic but you’ll do anything to be able to be close from her. Everyone seems to be here by now and the house is very crowded. With the music, the laughs, and the discussions, going outside is finally a good idea.

There is no one in the garden and the fresh air makes you shiver. But you prefer to be concentrated on Caitlin who has a wrinkle between her eyebrows from frowning. She sits on a low wall, and you follow her to stand next to her, looking at the moon to forget how much you want to touch her.

“Are you ok?” you ask after several minutes of silence.

“I am” she only answer, looking at the horizon.

It seems to you that she is not, but you don’t say anything else. You thought that she asked you to come with her to talk or something, but it seems like you were wrong. Caitlin doesn’t stay silence for long though, turning suddenly in your direction.

“No, in fact I’m not.”

“What’s up?”

“I’m trying to figure out things, and I can’t. And I really need to do it now because otherwise I think I’m really going to become crazy.”

She seems angry and desperate at the same time. She’s talking with her arms, a thing that she usually doesn’t. Hopping to help her to relax a little, you come near her, putting your hand on her knee.

“You can tell me everything, you know that right?”

She sighs, passing a hand on her face. You have the feeling to understand what she think, and that it’s the fact that she doesn’t know where to begin.

“I just… You came here from your appointment but you brought me food just because I mentioned the day before.”

“Yes” you confirm quietly.

It’s maybe better for you not to precise that you went to your appointment because you came here. This feels maybe a little creepy.

“And you told me that you start writing me and talking to me more because you heard by Leah that I was struggling after my breakup with Lia.”

“Yes” you say again.

“Why did we stop talking by the way? It looks like suddenly we grow apart?”

You shrug only, not knowing what to answer to her. You obviously take care not to cross her eyes when you answer.

“Why did you come back anyway? After my breakup?”

“Because I care for you” you answer, looking at her carefully.

“I think I need to know how much you care about me” she says slowly, and you are happy to be in the dark because your cheeks are bright red. “Please, Y/N. Because sometimes I feel like you like me as a friend and sometimes, I feel like there is more than that. But when I tell myself that, you kind of back off and everything is strange and blur again. Just like tonight, I thought that we would pass the night together, but you kept dancing with Julia and I understand because she’s fun and beautiful. But I hated to see you with her, and everything is… blur. And I really need to understand.”

It's your turn to stay silence, because where the hell could you start. You are not closed to answer to her questions, but you are scared because what you have seems so fragile to you.

“Are you interested in me more than a friend?” she finally asks.

Well, maybe you should have talk before because this question is very difficult to answer. Not because you don’t know the answer but because it can change anything. You swallow your saliva with difficulty before answering. You can’t lie to her.

“Yes. I am.” you mumble.

You hear Caitlin taking a big breath before expiring and you just can’t look at her. You hear the people inside getting excited and you wonder if it’s because it will soon be midnight.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Caitlin asks quietly.

“Because I care about you! At first you were in a relationship, and you seemed so happy in it and why in the world would I be between someone and their happiness? Then you broke up with Lia and you seemed so sad and so lost, and I didn’t want to take advantage of you in any way.”

You were talking fast, and loud, the feelings of all of it taking over the rest. You were struggling too, so much, but it was easier anyway to keep all of those feelings inside.

“And now? Why didn’t you say anything?”

You sigh and shrug. You just admitted that you were basically in love with her since day one, what can be worse than that anyway?

“Because I prefer to have you in my life as a friend than to take the risk to lose you.”

There is a moment of silence and just before Caitlin start to talk again, you hear the other people starting to count the seconds before midnight and the New Year.

“You are an idiot.”

10… 9… 8…

You hear Caitlin talk and even if the words could have been harsh, you have the feeling that she is smiling. You just have to look at her to see that she actually is, not her big toothy smile, but the small one. Her smirk.

“What?” you ask.

“You’re an idiot, Y/N Williamson.”

7…6…5…

Caitlin jumps from the small wall she was sitting on to come closer to you. You are frozen, you just watch her move to be right in front of you. You can smell her perfume, see how much her eyes are blue. She looks at your eyes too, before that her eyes drop on your lips.

4…3…2…

She cups your jaw with her hand, so tenderly that you just want to melt only with that gesture. Your heart almost went out of your body when you realize that she’s leaning to you, still letting you the possibility to back off if you want to.

You don’t want to.

1…0

Just when your lips met, the firework of the city irrupts in the sky, being a pretty good metaphor of what you’re feeling inside right at this moment. You are finally kissing the girl you are in love with and she’s kissing you back. She even put her hand in your back to press you against her while her other hand left your jaw to be on your neck.

When the air became an issue, you press your forehead against hers, without being able to suppress the big smile on your face. When you open your eyes, you see that she’s looking at you, offering a shy smile.

“Do you want to go home? To talk about all of this?”

“Talking?” you smile softly.

“Well, maybe kissing too, a little bit.”

16 August 2023 – The World Cup

You shouldn’t feel that way. It’s the semi-finale of the Women World Cup in Australia and your national team, England just won it place for the finale against Spain. You distractedly prevent your sister from jumping from excitement, so as not to make her knee injury worse. You would probably have been happier about the results if Leah were on the pitch, to be honest.

You are looking at your girlfriend’s silhouette, sitting on the floor. You can’t express how much you would like to go on the pitch and hug her tightly. You know how much this game meant for Caitlin and the rest of her team. Seeing her away from you from only several meters when you weren’t able to see her from almost two months is hard too.

You chose to hide your relationship with Caitlin to anyone around you, except Caitlin’s mother who definitively can read way to easily into people. So, you weren’t able to explain to your sister why you felt so moody those past days, the distance between you and Caitlin being hard to deal with. You can’t explain how much you missed her. Even if you call each other every day, it wasn’t the same.

You were busy helping Leah with her injury though, taking her to every single of her appointment, letting Lia Wälti doing it when you weren’t able to. Since Caitlin left, you went to live to Leah’s. And when your big sister told you that she was coming to Australia to the match, you came too. You even were able to see your brother this time.

After the game, Leah took you to the locker room to meet her teammates and you hug the ones playing to Arsenal. And Alessia Russo, who is coming for the new season too. You were talking to Mary Earps when you feel your phone buzz in your pocket. Excusing yourself, you get out the locker room to answer when you see Caitlin’s ID on the screen.

“Hello?”

“Hi. Are you still in the stadium?”

“Yes. Where are you?”

“I just went back to my hotel room. Everyone is so sad, I can’t look at them right now.”

You pout, hearing that said sadness in Caitlin’s voice too. You can easily imagine her on her bed, still her Matilda’s jogging.

“I’m so sorry Babe” you whisper in your phone, looking around you to be sure that no one is around. “You played great and I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks” she mumbles before adding “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, so so much. When are you going back to London?”

“Two days after the game against Sweden. They still want to make a celebration about all of it in Sydney. Are you still staying to watch the finale?”

“Yes, Leah got us tickets. I’m going back the day after though; would you like to go back with me instead?”

She hums only and you’re not sure that she really understands what you ask her. You are not angry or hurt anyway, you know that she has to deal with the lost and the sadness of it. You just want to make her feel better.

One hour later, you were waiting for her to answer to you in front of her door. You managed to sneak inside the hotel and left Leah with Keira and Georgia. You are not sure that she realized you were missing, so happy to be able to pass time with some of her closest friends.

You knock again when you realized that no one is answering, not too hard. You don’t want to attract anybody’s attention. You were tense, scared to be seen by someone. Thanks God, Caitlin finally opens her door and looks at you like she’s seeing a ghost.

“Are you alone?” you whisper.

“Yes, but…”

Just like her mother would say, no but. You entered the room and immediately pass your arms around her neck to kiss her. Caitlin needs several seconds to realize what is happening before kissing you back.

“What are you doing here?” she asks gently when you release each other.

“I missed you. And you are sad and being just dozens of meters away from you without being able to talk to you killed me.”

Caitlin smile sadly, taking your hand to make you sit on her bed. Unlike you were thinking, she changed her clothes and is wearing a short with a hoodie. It feels very soft when you take her against you to hug her. You close your eyes, letting yourself invade by her sent.

“I was looking at you every time I was able to. You are hot in a jersey, but yellow would have suits you better than white.”

She pulls gently on the white t-shirt you’re wearing, a number eight with Williamson on the back, of course. You smile softly, kissing her temple. She snuggles closer to you, passing on of her leg on your own.

“Have you eaten something?” you ask.

“Nah. I’m not really hungry for now.”

“What about a bath?”

“I already took a shower.”

“Ok, I’m asking the question again. What about a bath with me?” you ask after a sigh.

You feel her smirk against you, and she sit on the bed to be able to look at you.

“You mean I’ll have the possibility to get you away from this horrible jersey and having you naked against me by the same move? I’ll be crazy to say no.”

You roll your eyes and throw a cushion at her before getting up from the bed. You then go to the bathroom to start running the water, waiting patiently to find the right temperature. You check your phone just to be sure that Leah isn’t looking for you when the tube is getting filled, and then you go back to Caitlin in the room.

“It’s ready when you are Babe.”

You give her both hands to help her to get up from the bed, which she doesn’t hesitate to take. But, as she gets up from the bed, she’s not following you to the bathroom like you thought she would. She passes her arms around your shoulder, holding you tight against her.

Understanding what she needs, you hold her back, even firmer against you. You are higher from several centimeters from her, not so much though. But you like the way she can easily hide her face in your neck without taking strange position. You rock her softly, kissing her cheeks and her hair several times, only to release her when she’s ready.

“Thanks for coming here for me” she whispers against your skin.

“Every time” you smile sincerely, looking tenderly at her.

She smiles back and cup your chin with her hand, before following you to the bathroom this time. You try to make her go alone in the tub; you really just want her to relax. But you finish with her in it, massaging slowly her back.

You know her team has special masseurs and that they are definitively way more skillful that you are. But seeing how your girlfriend has her eyes closed and let you do whatever you want, it must not be unpleasant. Except that the moan and whispers she’s making are making you think about something else, and please everyone forgive you, but you don’t had sex for two months and your girlfriend is naked in front of you.

“Why d’you stop?” Caitlin mumble with a pout.

You are glad that she’s sitting in front of you and that she can’t see your face, because you are bright red once again. You don’t want to take advantage of her, she’s upset and tired. You kiss her shoulder though, getting her hair out of the way. You love her with her hair down. Have you already mentioned it?

“Isn’t it time for great footballer to go to bed?”

She groans and turn around to face you. You are trying hard to just look at her face and not being distracted by everything else. But then she sits on your lap, and you have to get out of the water right now.

“Why are you so tense?” she frowns. “You may be the one needing a massage.”

You laugh softly and decide to be honest with her since not talking about your feelings made you lost time before. And you are a very bad liar. You bite your bottom lip before answering.

“I haven’t seen you in like two whole months, which mean that I haven’t touch you from two months, Caitlin. And you are naked on me and I’m really trying to be a good and caring girlfriend without sinful ideas because I know how much disappointed you are, but you make it very hard. Plus, the water is getting cold.”

The realization appears on her face, before being erased by mischievous smile.

“We still can put hot water in it.”

In the end, you add hot water on the tub several times. When you emerge from the bath, you are as tired as Caitlin, and she doesn’t need many pleas to make you stay with her. You were planning to go back to your hotel room that night to be honest. But you don’t. You answer to Leah who wrote you to tell you that she’s sleeping with the team and asked you if you want to go with her before going under the cover next to your Aussie’s girlfriend.

You lie face to face with her and smile when she starts to stroke your face.

“You are so beautiful.”

You roll your eyes and smile.

“You need to sleep Foord; you are starting to get delirious.”

She frowns and hit your forehead before leaning to kiss you. You smile against her lips and when she turns around to let you cuddle her from behind, you don’t need more than several seconds to fall asleep.

Hours later, you are waking up of your peaceful sleep by a deep voice with an Australian accent.

“Caitlin Foord what the hell?!”

Caitlin jumps next to you and you groan, hiding under the cover. Before you understand what is really happening, your girlfriend took Mackenzie Arnold by the arm to take her with her in the bathroom.

“Why the hell is there Leah Williamson half naked in your bed?” Mackenzie whisper-shout from the bathroom.

You roll your eyes, rolling on your back to grab your phone. It’s more than 9 in the morning, you really should have put an alarm on your phone. Thanks god, there isn’t message from Leah for now.

“It’s not Leah” you hear Caitlin answer.

“I have bloody eyes you know?”

Now that you realize what is happening, your heart is pounding. Mackenzie isn’t a close friend of Leah, but you know that her girlfriend is a good friend of Alessia who is a good friend to Leah. And you. But more to Leah. And you obviously can’t let anyone near Leah know about your relationship.

“It’s not Leah! … It’s her sister.”

There is a moment of silence and then

“You are in so much trouble. Leah is going to kill you.”

“I know! That’s why you have to shut your mouth Macca, even with Kristy.”

Mackenzie snorts and even you can’t see it, you easily can imagine Caitlin’s imploring look. There is a sigh, and you sit on the bed.

“Alright, I’m not saying anything. But you really should have chosen someone else to get over the lost.”

“It’s not just… We are together, actually. Like in couple.”

“Oooh that’s why you are always glued to your phone?”

“It’s not really the time to talk about that right now” Caitlin points.

She’s right, but you can’t help but smile at this. You are happy to have a good abonnement though, otherwise you will probably be poor because of your phone’s bill. There is some more noise, and the door handle goes down before the gesture suddenly stops.

“Not a word to Alanna too, please.”

“Promise.”

After that they are both out of the bathroom and you smile awkwardly to Mackenzie before she waves at you and get out of the room.

“I’m so sorry.”

Caitlin looks so tense that you almost feel sorry for her, but you are really stressed too. You shouldn’t have stayed the night here. Sighing, you get up from the bed to look for your clothes.

“It’s not your fault.”

Caitlin hums and while you are getting ready, a question pops suddenly in your head. You look up at your girlfriend who is sitting on the windowsill, looking outward. She’s still in her pj’s with her bed hair.

“Cait?” you call her softly.

She just turns her head in your direction. To distract yourself a little bit, you braid your hair while asking the question bothering you.

“I shouldn’t be concerned about Mackenzie coming in your room at random hours of the day or night, right?”

Her face goes soft, and she breaks the few meters between you to stop right in front of you.

“You don’t have anything to be worried about” she answers, slipping a rebellious lock of hair behind your ear. “No one is in my mind apart from you. Plus Macca has her own girlfriend.”

“Ok.” you smile before hugging her.

You stay in her arms longer than usual. Saying her goodbye is hard even if you know you will see her again in several days now.

April 2024 – The Fight

It was several months after the World Cup that Caitlin mentions for the first time to talk to Leah about your relationship. You were still hiding at that time, just like you are still doing now. You refuse to do it, saying that it was too early and explaining to her again why you can’t do that for now.

She understood your place but then she talked about it again in January, when you had to wait for several days to have a date to celebrate your first anniversary. The date being the First of January, you were obviously passing the day with Leah and your family. You gave her the same answer, it’s too soon and you don’t want to fight with your sister when she’s about to come back on the pitches from her injury.

But now, Caitlin is talking about it again and you can feel how much she’s frustrated about it. You try to make everything to distract her from that idea. You took her on trip just the two of you, using once again your jet to gain time. You are sleeping at her house every time you can. In reality you would love to be open about your relationship, in front of your friends and family at least. But you can’t take the risk to lose or disappoint your sister.

“It’s been a year and three months, Y/N.” Caitlin is saying, frowning like never before. “Leah is back on the pitch; we won the finale against Chelsea and your last deal went well and there is nothing holding us now. Well, except you.”

You sigh, pitching the base of your nose. You don’t want to fight with her. It happens almost never to be fair, only when you are talking about this.

“I can’t do it now, Babe. I just… I don’t know how Leah would react and I can’t take any risks.”

“You can’t or you won’t?”

“I can’t, Caitlin.”

She snorts and cross her arms on her chest. She’s hurt, you can see it. You try to take a step to touch her, but she backs up from two steps where you took one. Your arm falls stupidly against your hip.

“Come on, you can’t ask me to choose between you and my sister. I told you since the beginning why we can’t talk about it to people.”

“Why are we even together then?” she asks coldly.

The question hurts but you decided to ignore the feeling to stay honest to your girlfriend and make her understand your statement.

“Well I don’t know, because I love you?” you answer, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t feel like it’s really the case right now.”

“Don’t say that” you frown too. “You know that I love you.”

But Caitlin is shaking her head and starts collecting her things around your living room. She’s shaking and you try once again to make her stop. Your arguments have never been deeper.

“Baby, please…” you start but she cuts you.

“No. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t stay with you if that means we’ll never evolve in any way. I just can’t.”

You feel numb when you look at her putting her shoes and taking her vest. You follow her like a lost puppy in the entrance, trying once again to grab her arm. You are successful this time and she stops her movements.

“Where are you going?”

“Home. Let go of me now, please.”

You just obey, slowly releasing her arm. There is a lump in your throat when you talk again.

“Are you breaking up with me?”

Your voice is hardly even a whisper, but Caitlin doesn’t miss it. Her blue eyes cross yours when she looks up over her shoulder.

“Talk to you soon.”

And then, she’s gone. You try to call her of course, texted her too, but she never answered. It’s with puffy red eyes and tears on her face that Leah finds you under your covers in your bed several hours later. She got scared when she doesn’t receive any answer to her text and just come to your home.

She hugs you at first, helping you to calm down to be able to talk and explain what is happening. You hesitated at first, before telling her everything. Well, almost everything because you never mentioned Caitlin’s name or the fact that she knows Leah.

“Tell me her name and I will go on her to make you cry like this.”

Your big sister managed to take you out from your bed to go to the living room and made you drink water and eat something. There are still tears running on your face from time to time, but Leah takes the time to wipe them gently each time.

“She just broke up with me. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

Leah makes a grimace before taking you back against her for a new hug.

“If she can’t wait for you, it means that she didn’t deserve you, Love.”

“Can we stop talking about her? Please.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

Leah puts the TV on, starting a random show and you try to concentrate on it. You can’t really, but you are still so thankful for your sister. The way she listened to you talking, holding you while you cry like a crazy woman without pushing you to know anything else makes you think that maybe she wouldn’t have scream if you talked to your love for Caitlin. But it’s too late anyway. Caitlin doesn’t want you anymore.

********

Two days after, on Saturday, Leah took you to the game. She almost hasn’t left your side, only to go to training. You are still working though, losing yourself in work. Like you always did before Catilin.

“What’s happening to your sister?” Lia asks Leah during the training.

Your sister turns in your direction, watching you several seconds before sighing. She’s aware that Caitlin isn’t far away from them, but she doesn’t know where your problem comes from, so she answers anyway. Caitlin is supposed to be your friend after all.

“She’s navigating through her first breakup” Leah answers, still looking at you.

Your mother is sitting next to you, she has her hand on your shoulder. Leah explained to your parents what was happening to you and of course your mother is looking for you like you are dying. You are looking at the pitch, but Leah can tell that you aren’t really looking. Unless you’ve discovered in yourself a passion for corner posts.

“Oh? I didn’t know she had someone.”

“Me neither” your sister sighs. “She’s like this since Wednesday but she doesn’t want to tell me who she is.”

Next to your sister, Caitlin gulps nervously when she crosses Steph’s gaze. Caitlin is a mess since Wednesday too. She took the decision to leave, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy for her. She almost called you a thousand times. She missed you and wasn’t able to hide her sadness with the people who know her the best. Steph Catley is one of them.

“What?” Caitlin snaps at her teammate.

“Nothing” Steph answers, still looking at her suspiciously.

Caitlin went back to the bench nervously to grab something to drink, looking discreetly in your direction. Now your mother is talking to you, and you are looking at her, but Caitlin knows you very well and realizes how destroyed you look. Of course, it made her sadder than ever, but she still has her point. She wants to move in with you, be able to talk about her girlfriend to everyone one, she wants to take you on date in London and not only seeing you in one of your apartments. She wants to be able to walk holding your hand where you both live, not in the other side of the world. She wants to be able to take a plane without needing to hide in the airport.

You were hopping that Caitlin will be benched today, but she’s starting just like Leah. Which means that you will have to look at her for 90 minutes, knowing that you lost her.

It’s a great game to be honest, and while your mother feed you with fries and chicken nuggets (it’s a family thing) you are able to distract yourself enough not to cry while watching your ex-girlfriend.

Leah is sub at the 78th minute and Caitlin is still playing. You would have preferred for her to go on the bench too, particularly when she got hurt five minutes after that. The tackle wasn’t clean at all and you know right away that Caitlin is hurt. Like really hurt. You don’t need to see the stretchers coming for her, you don’t need the concerned looks of her teammate or Katie shouting at the girl taking Caitlin down.

You are up of your seat instantly, trying to have a better look of what is happening. They take longs agonizing minutes to get Caitlin out of the pitch and you run in the locker room in hope to be able to see her. But you just run into Leah.

“I’m going to the hospital to be with her” your sister explains to you. “I’m not allowed to go with her to the ambulance so I’ll take my car.”

“Can I come with you?”

“Sure.”

You are relieved that she doesn’t question you, but once again Caitlin and you are supposed to be friends. Even close friends. You follow Leah to the parking, and she’s ignoring the fan calling her name for the first time. You are so nervous that you want to throw up and you are glad that your sister isn’t talking, otherwise you are not sure that you will be able to contain yourself.

One of the Arsenal’s medics is waiting for you when you arrive, and he takes you into a private waiting room. From now, you just have to wait. Sitting next to Leah, you put your head on her shoulder and are glad that her cuddle instinct is so high when she passes her arm around your waist to hug you. You really don’t deserve her love; you were lying to her from months now.

Leah was scrolling on her phone for what feels like hours when someone comes in the waiting room.

“Are you here for miss Foord?” the medic asks.

“We are” Leah answers while getting up. “How is she?”

“Right. So, her leg has a doble fracture, but those are sharps break so she normally doesn’t need any surgery. She’s in a lot of pain though, so we give her something to help her. She also has a big bruise on the knee, but it will resolve itself. Would you like to see her?”

“If it’s possible, yes” Leah nods.

“Only one person for now.”

Your sister turns to you and you shrug, trying your best to smile at her. You would kill to be able to see Caitlin right now, but she doesn’t know that you are here. And you’re not sure that she wants to see you. Probably not.

“Go. I’ll text or ring her mother.”

Leah nods once again and follow the male nurse to Caitlin’s room. There are strange machines in the room, but Caitlin is up.

“She’s under drugs. She might be a little out of it” the medic whispers to Leah before leaving the room.

The noise of the door makes Caitlin turns her head in Leah’s direction. The blonde gives her a smile and take a chair to sit next to her.

“Oh. Wrong Williamson.”

“What?” Leah laughs softly while sitting up.

Caitlin is speaking like she’s half-asleep but when she looks at Leah, your sister feels like she knows very well what she’s saying. At least that the words are real.

“I would rather see your sister.”

She shrugs and wince, the drugs making her head feels fuzzy.

“Well she’s here, I still can ask her to come if you want” Leah proposes kindly.

“She’s here?”

The surprise on Caitlin’s tone is astonishing to Leah, who frowns a little while looking at her friend. She knows how much time you pass together, well for the brunch or this kind of things. Not really that you passed almost every night together when you are in London. Unless it’s a Monday and you are at Leah’s.

“Yeah?”

Caitlin stays quiet for several seconds, before sighing and looking at the window. The view isn’t amazing to be honest, just the parking lot of the hospital.

“She wouldn’t want to see me anyway. I fucking broke her heart.”

“What are you talking about?” Leah frowns deepens.

She doesn’t mean to take advantage of Caitlin under drugs, but it’s about you and you are the person who is the most important in her life. It’s not a one-side thing, you are Leah’s person as much as she’s yours.

“We had a fight Wednesday because I wanted to tell you about our relationship or at least that she really thinks about telling you. But like usual she had excuses, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I love her so much it’s hurt. I just want to be able to hold my girl in public and tell the world how wonderful she is. Who travel the world to bring someone fucking pancake? We were amazing and now we are nothing and a fucking prick just broke my fucking leg and I just want to her to hug me. But she can’t because I fucking wasn’t patient enough with her.“

Leah is stunned. And not only because of Caitlin’s unusual use of swear words. She never though a single second that Caitlin and you were more than just friends. Or that the Australian was the reason of your tears for the last days.

“I know that she loved me, but she loves you even more Leah. She was so scared to lose you. But now I lost her. And I’m really tired.”

“You should sleep a little maybe” Leah mumbles.

Caitlin sighs and close her eyes.

“I’m going to see my sister, will you be ok alone a little bit?”

“Yeah” Caitlin breath before opening her eyes. “Will you tell her? That I love her?”

Leah hesitates some seconds before nodding and smiling softly.

“Yeah. I will.”

She watches the Australian woman closes her eyes and falling asleep as soon as her eyes are closed. Her mind is running, trying to understand what she just learned. She feels like she isn’t really here when she finds you still sitting on the waiting room. You immediately spot her concern look and get up from your chair.

“Is everything ok? I just wrote to Caitlin’s mother that she will be fine?”

“Yeah, she just fell asleep.”

You let a shaky breath pass your lips, really relieved. Your sister still looks pale, but maybe it’s because of those white walls?

“She has a message for you though, that she asked me to tell you.”

“What is it?”

You are curious to know and look at your sister who cross her arms on her chest while looking at you.

“She asks me to tell you that she loves you.”

Well now you might be whiter than Leah. Your big sister watches you become paler than ever, she watches your eyes widen too and how you open your mouth several times to talk without anything coming out.

“What were you thinking Y/N, really?”

You could cry right now. You passed months perfectly hiding your relationship to Leah, giving you probably the onset of an ulcer due to anxiety, and some drugs from a public hospital is going to break all the efforts you made?

“Leah, I’m so sorry” you began, begging while looking at her. “Please, I never wanted to hide something to you, I swear.”

You were panicking. You just lost your girlfriend and now you are about to lose your sister too. The two most important people in your world, sorry to your mom.

“I just don’t understand” Leah says, shaking her head.

You probably are going to have a panic attack.

“I…”

“I don’t understand” Leah cuts you “How you might have thought that I will be mad at you for being with someone who made you happy?”

You don’t understand and you probably don’t look very intelligent with the way you are looking at Leah. She’s still frowning, but you realize that she isn’t mad at you, she just seems lost.

“You said several times that I wasn’t allowed to flirt with one of your teammates, Le” you point, whispering.

“I said flirt because I didn’t want some of hormonal footballer taking advantage of you! Being in love is something else.”

“You are not mad at me?” you ask shyly.

“Of course not, you idiot. I love you more than anything, your happiness is what comes first.”

Leah rolls her eyes and reach out to you. You don’t hesitate to go in her arms, relieved by the unexpected turn of events. The nose in her hair, you whisper :

“I’m sorry for keeping things away from you.”

“It’s ok” Leah says softly, squeezing you a little harder. “I’m sorry you were in so much pain.”

She kisses your cheek and let you go, not without taking you by the shoulders to have a better look at you.

“We are going to make things better between you and Caitlin now, if it’s really what you want. Ok?”

“I’m not sure she’s still interested. She really is mad at me.” you shrug.

“Please. She told me I’m the wrong Williamson, if she doesn’t take you back, I’ll send her back to Sydney.”

********

When Caitlin wakes up almost three hours later, the sun was gone and the room is almost in the dark. There is a small light on the nightstand, and she needs some seconds to remember where she is and why her leg is hurting like hell. She groans and try to roll on her side, her back sore to have been in the same position for hours now. But her leg hurts more, and she opens her eyes, grimacing slightly.

Then she sees you and froze several seconds.

You were already looking at her, like you were doing since you entered the room. She doesn’t seem really peaceful while sleeping and your heart hurt to see her in pain.

“Hi” you whisper, in case her head is hurtful.

“Did I really told your sister than I’m in love with you or was I dreaming?”

You look at her several seconds, trying to see in her eyes if she’s stressed or anxious before answering.

“You ask her to tell me that you love me, but I guess it’s the same thing.”

“Shit. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok” you say, coming closer to the bed. “It’s not what bother me now. How are you feeling?”

“Ok, I guess. Thanks god we are at the end of the season. The doctor said I will be ok to play for the Olympics.”

“That’s a good new”

Caitlin hums and you look at your hands, lost in your thoughts. It’s maybe a good think that she hasn’t ask you for now to get out of her room, but you chose not to push your luck too much.

“I uh, I’ll let you in peace now. I wrote to your mother and your sister to reassure them, but Beth came with your phone and other stuff like one hour ago” you explain while getting up. “You can write to them if you want to.”

“Oh… No wait, please. Can you stay? Just a little bit?”

You hesitate for several seconds, looking at Caitlin before answering anything. You want to stay, of course. You finally slowly sit down again on the chair.

“Thanks” she mumbles. “Look, about what I said to Leah…”

“It’s ok” you say again, shrugging. “She isn’t mad.”

“No?”

You shake your head, playing with your nails and fingers without looking at her. Caitlin knows how much Leah means for you so you’re pretty sure that she would have feel guilty if Leah was mad at you.

“Is she not mad because she knows that we are no longer together, or would she have been even if we were still together?”

“I think she would have been ok. If that was the case.”

You hear Caitlin takes a deep and big breath, making you look at her. You can’t read the feeling on her face, so you are happy to see her talking again. You don’t know what behavior you can have with her now, are you still able to ask her all the questions you want?

“I don’t know how to say that” Caitlin sighs. “But is there a chance that we maybe try to make things better between us?”

“Better like in being friends again?”

You see Caitlin rolling her eyes and you understand quickly that you haven’t guess right. You are surprised to see a small smile on her face despite the situation you are in.

“How can you be so clever when it’s about your company and so obvious when it concerns relationships?”

You roll your eyes too, used to being criticized about your lack of ease in human relations when they do not concern your job.

“Yes, because you are the most sociable and none-shy person in the world yourself.”

“Touché.”

There is a silence, during which you are looking at each other.

“Can you forgive me for running away the other day?” Caitlin asks softly.

“Only if you forgive me for believing during all this time that my sister wouldn’t accept our relationship and how I was wrong.”

She smiles again and you smile back at her. You get up when she asks you to sit next to her by patting the bed next to her. That place being the other side of her injured leg, you oblige.

“I don’t know how explain how sorry I am. I shouldn’t have left like this.”

“I get it. It wasn’t a pleasant situation. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you or anything.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I am too” you whisper.

After one second of hesitation, you put your head on her shoulder, and you close your eyes when she put her chin on your head.

“So, what now that Leah knows?” Caitlin asks.

To be honest, you don’t really know. Today was a lot of feelings to deal with and you don’t even know where to start. Your girlfriend (?) seems to understand what is happening in your head, because she kisses tenderly your temple before talking.

“What about I get out from here first?”

“That sounds good” you smile softly. “And from here, you come right to mine so I can take care of you.”

“Perfect.”

You watch the Aussie laying down on the bed and you turn on your side to be able to look at her better. With your finger, you are tracing random patterns on her arm. You know that she’s falling asleep but you need to ask the question.

“Cait?”

“Mh?” she answers, without opening her eyes.

“Are we back together? Like, are you my girlfriend again?”

She snorts and snuggle closer from you, already half-asleep.

“Yes we are. Weirdo.”

[welcometogrouchland]

It's mostly the fault of poor editorial practices that B&R is so heavily misaligned continuity-wise w/ the main batman book. But walk with me for a minute:

You are Damian Wayne. You are 14 years old and have had one of the worst years of your life last year. Which is saying a lot.

Your brother, one of the people you were closest to, got shot in the head and forgot who you were. Your best friend went to space for a week and came back 3/4 years older than you, taking away your previously established dynamic and leaving you to have to bond all over again w/ a new one. You may or may not have gone wayyy too far with your new superhero team, who now all hate you, because you fucked up big time*

And worst of all, when you do try to do the right thing, you end up forced to watch Alfred, a father figure to you, the only one at your birthday that year, the person who has been so patient, loving and trusting with you, even when you probably didnt deserve it...die. you watch him die, and feel it's all your fault.

And your dad never corrects you on that last point. So you run away.

First to your mom who can tell something's up with you, she knows you don't give up that easy, you decide not to stay with her because you remembered how actually, neither of your parents are good at communicating with you despite their best efforts, so now you're 14 and flying solo.

And you do fly solo. For a while. Make new friends, new enemies. You think you're better off for it. You've got your best friend and your brother back. They're not around as much. It's fine.

And eventually your dad tells you that it's not your fault that Alfred died. Bit late but it's appreciated. Really. There's a bit of a hiccup where you get possessed by a demon and wage war against your father but after that, all in all, you two are...together again.

You start to think maybe you want to give him another chance, for the two of you to be father and son.

And in a change of pace, it works out! It's going good, mostly. He insists you go to highschool, you resist, feel like he wants you to be something that you're not (wants you to be normal), but eventually you acquiesce for your own reasons. He cheers you on at soccer and nosies around at your fundraising events with the other parents and gives you a stern talking to about your choice of girlfriend. Because he cares.

Except all the while this is going on, your dad is currently having his brain slowly taken over by an evil version of himself that he created and every time you look away he's slowly tearing your family apart (your brothers are just barely keeping it together. The ones who didn't get lobotmized that is Jesus Christ). You keep taking his side in these conflicts, for whatever reason. Maybe because he promised it would be different this time, and it isn't** and you're going to stick with him until he keeps his word for once.

But at the end of the day?

It's like your brother says. You're not the one who saves him. Broadly speaking, you've made things worse and needed others to come save you. And what else is Robin really for? You thought it was about redemption and teamwork but guess you're wrong. It's about saving your self destructive, apparently two-faced and erratic father. And you can't even do that right.

* TT (2016) by Adam Glass is a racist ooc mess, but unfortunately it's still canon so I'm referencing here, though like a lot of works authors clearly wish weren't canon but are, it's been subsequently glossed over. Win? Maybe? Or not?

** again Zdarky's characterization of Damian is so outdated as to be ooc, and considering the way he constantly and explicitly uses it to illustrate Tim's strengths as robin, I'd argue there's. Also implications there. But the batshit insanity of the main batbook compared to B&R rn is crucial for this post, so I'm attempting to justify it. This time..