#and thats been my whole life....! i feel really weird about intent and emotion in work lately. and subject matter. and Worth.

[skunkes]

In the kindest of ways possible I'm grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you brother you need to stop overthinking your art so much . . . You're an extremely talented artist there's too many horrors in the world to be getting upset every so often about your own craft. Like I don't mean to scold you I'm just passing you the ball and encouraging you to run with it because you deserve it.......

dont worry i understand what u mean!!

And also i get it, thats the Complex part, its double edged (??) right now bc im struggling so hard to pick apart a double standard (unsure if this is the right wording) or weird mindset i recently realized i have for myself wrt art compared to when i see other people make it, bc i dont understand how to get past it

but also this is contributing to the overthinking (see that one post about how sometimes too much introspection is harmful) I'm trying to climb my way out of it

[youremyheaven]

i'm a different anon but girl, i'm so sorry that happened to you. i had the same first time experience as you and i wholeheartedly agree w/ your advice. don't sleep w someone just to not be a virgin bc being one isn't even a bad thing & it's infinitely better than having to heal from such an intimate form of assault especially when it's the only sexual experience you know. personally i'm still healing from it & it seems like it will just last forever. if you don't mind me asking since i know it's a sensitive topic, is there anything in particular that has helped you heal? i'm sending you a lot of warmth & love ❤️🫂

hi love<3

thank you, i appreciate it <3 and im sending u the same love and healing✨

in some ways i am still healing from that experience even though it was almost a decade ago. more than the memory of it, its the physical and emotional repercussions it had on me that were challenging to navigate, for a long time after that i thought i was asexual, lost my libido, lost touch with my femininity and compounded by many other abusive experiences made me avoid the mirror entirely.

for me what truly changed my whole life was yoga and meditation. specifically yin yoga, women carry a lot of tension in their hips and practicing yin yoga (there are many yin yoga, hip release flow type guided videos on YT if you search for them!!) helped my body feel so loose and fluid and relaxed?? i didnt know how stressed my muscles were until i realized what true relaxation felt like. i remember those initial days of practice, i felt such a profound emotional release as well, like a weight was leaving my chest. relearning sensuality, feeling comfortable in embodying it and reframing sex and my perspective towards it has been a slow journey and some of it is easier than others. but i am doing sooo much better than i was before. meditation also really helped me feel more safe and comfortable in my body and not feel like i had to always be on the lookout for danger or assess other people's intentions. keep in mind, these are not things you can expect overnight changes from. you have to be patient and disciplined and just do it without any expectation. eventually it gets easier. also it keeps you more in tune with your body and intuition and helps with knowing what situations or people to avoid.

i have also been practicing tantric meditation and it has also helped me immensely but i think you should approach tantra after you've reached a point of healing and peace bc tantra can awaken some powerful energies and it can be a lot to handle.

taking care of myself has also helped me. its so funny how when i was struggling with my ed, body dysmorphia and numerous other issues, i did nothing to make myself feel good bc i didnt think i deserved it but by doing things (it can be as simple as applying lotion after a shower, whatever self care habits that make you feel good about yourself!!) that make me feel good, i feel good??? its like those people who say 'omg im so lazy i cant do the dishes' but the truth is you feel lazy bc you havent done the dishes so if you do the dishes you wont feel lazy. i hope this weird analogy makes sense lol. basically do things that feel good and you will feel good, it sounds really basic and almost stupid but i feel like most people wait until they've "earned" it or are "worthy" but the truth is doing it is what will make you feel like you deserve it, if u catch my drift.

anywaaayyys thats all, <333

[cinnachaos]

i think when people say love is what makes us human they only think about the oxytocin chemical reaction, but to me love is all that is good. ramble below

so many people with cluster b disorders and aromantic people get excluded from the terminology of love and i think its really weird because everyone experiences love in different ways, whether you feel it in the typical emotional way or not. love is so vast and loose in definition so how about i describe my feelings on love?

love is that kind action you did for somebody in need. love is that bowl of food and minutes petting a stray cat outside. love is spending time out in nature. love is creative passion. love is the way your interests make you feel. love is the way you feel with your loved ones, platonic romantic familial or other. love is what compels you to understand others and be kinder to those you dont understand. love is the nice things people do for you. love is all that is good, for people animals plants and the earth. it can be a mild feeling, it can be nauseatingly strong—it can be nothing at all, even—but you doing something good for yourself, others, or the environment is love. maybe your form of love is just making sure your actions driven by symptoms dont hurt others like people have hurt you. love doesnt even have to be something you do for "good intent", while that should be something people strive for its not required. doing good and spreading love is always good no matter your intent. everyone is complex, not everyone feels the same, not everyone can be held to the same moral standard, and thats ok. you will be/are loved by something, and it doesnt have to be the typical type of love either. it doesnt have to be sentient, human, or alive. we all are a part of one bigger picture, and we all have the ability to be good/spread love in us

being a good/bad person isnt inherent, its mostly just loose terminology based on whether people spread good/love or hurt/bad in this world. hopefully people strive to leave more of a good mark on this world, and i hope that more negative and harmful people realize that theyre hurting people and stop. maybe. not everyone can be bettered as its hard to reach some people, but i still keep room in my heart for those out there who do want to change. (and im not saying you have to enjoy negative harmful people. i dont enjoy those people either, and i despise people who mindlessly hurt/oppress others, but i know theyre human. society was made to help every single individual live as good of a life as they can, and deeming a whole portion of it rotten is fairly closeminded. im still not gonna talk positively about them, but thats just my personal choice. i have a very strong drive for justice and hatred for injustice so i try my best to be open minded but sometimes i have to draw a boundary for my own wellbeing.)

now im not saying everyone has to identify with the term, its been used to dehumanize people yes, but i hope my view makes someone feel a little better about themselves <3

[malevolententity]

hrmgmgm 4ever situ thoughts

this will probably get messy and personal because that Really informs how i feel and i need to expel it from my body LMAO

i still dont know how i feel. or well. i know how i feel but its nuanced and conflicted and im mad that i cant concisely say how i feel. we Know the initial information didnt come out in good faith. we Know that the girls involved were not asked how they felt prior to the callouts. we also can see from current actions that this doesnt happen anymore. that it doesnt represent who he is as a person in recent years.

and i fully believe that people are able to change and grow from past wrong actions. regardless of if those actions were just wrong jokes or Literal Actions.

this cycle never gets easier. ive been on both sides e.g. being like one of the girls. but also being one of the ccs. so i get their no nuance just anger. because m still mad as hell about ike/ciel. as someone who was good friends with him. but also was the same age as his victims and very easily could be considered one by some people. shout out to being two people removed from ironmouse though 🤪.

but ive also like. been in the girls situation. you dig back 11/12 years on here. theres Going to be evidence of 22 year olds with thousands of followers flirting with 13/14 year old me. some of whom were harmless friends making weird tasteless no intent jokes. and some of whom were genuine pedophiles that either were complete strangers or people i knew in real life and called friends. and id be fucking pissed if any of those were taken out of or even in context without my permission. because its my story. if anyones going to be talking about it it should only ever be because i decided i wanted it to be talked about. not some random person having a vendetta against people i used to talk to and finding and using bits of my story as a way to defame someone whos recent actions do not line up with the deplorable actions of them in 20 fucking 12.

and so i cant help but have 800 fucking emotions. because what we know about is gross. but i dont believe he should be fully deplatformed over shit he hasnt done in 5-7 years. and that is absolutely fueled by my emotions because as far as we know. the girls did not ask for him to be deplatformed. the girls stories are being spread without their input to ruin a guys life. and i would feel violated if i was used as evidence by strangers against my will.

but maybe thats just the victim brain in me who will always feel the need to shield some of the guys from my past because its complicated and messy and humans are complicated and messy. and im just projecting. because i have been in those girls position. a few times.

and thats why ive been mostly silent through this whole thing. because i am a Hashtag Bad Victim and no one wants to hear from the people who think were being too hasty and think information should come from the people involved. not twitter sleuths who really fucking hate a cc.

that said for people who need to see it written out. im not supporting him with views on future videos. i still enjoy 4ever as a character. i will still probably reblog 4ever art every now and then, because ive also gone thru this in a dnd fandom where one guy turned out to be a shitter but i still enjoyed his character so i will engage with the character when i feel like it. because that character is not the streamer.

this whole situation just feels bad and unfair to absolutely everyone involved. no one here is winning. celebrating his removal is weird. because the removal means something Did happen and thats horrible. and watching this turn into a spectacle to see who unfollows next/what the next announcement is, is disgusting. this isnt a game and it feels like some of you are treating it that way. these are real lives, these are real people.

side tangent.

i really fucking cant stand everyone whos been comparing this to the dream situations. because every single dream situation has come from victims or people posing as victims. so of course. listen to them and do your own research but believe them from the get go. THIS THOUGH????? WAS ADMITTEDLY UNRELATED PEOPLE WHO HATED A GUY, WHO FOR MONTHS HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING TO DEPLATFORM HIM. AND FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING THAT WAS ACTIONABLE. of course some of us were going to hold off on forming thoughts and were gonna be skeptical of where the information came from because it was not victims coming forward.

its two different fucking situations and acting like theyre the same is insane to me.

[hella1975]

hi okay so, this is a piece of shitty poetry i wrote just now after thinking about your protrayal of zuko (again) and wanted to share bc im a dumb bitch who craves validation and needs to know what you think of this. and if i put a little too much of myself into it in the process, and it became more about my weird relationship with being trans than zuko, it's irrelevant, dont ask questions! it was about zuko initially and i still think it can kinda be applied to him so thats all that matters!! pls forgive the lack of capitalisation, its turned off on my phone and im too lazy to change it :,)

(you dont have to read the next part but if u finish the poem and think it sucks it will explain why lmfao)

BUT FIRST, i need to clarify that ive never written poetry in my life, i know nothing about writing, and my punctuation is definitely all over the place. this whole thing for sure sucks but i have an excuse!! a flimsy one, sure, but still an excuse! im 16 and dont remember ever actually learning gow to write, or all about punctuation or any of that jazz. this is more of a stream of consciousness than a poem. and its just a rough draft so, very unfinished too!! so if u really dont like it that will explain why. basically the point of this whole paragraph is just to tell you that im dumb but im also terrified so please be nice to me bc i will cry and that is a threat! (if im starting to sound hysterical and like im spiralling its bc i am okay pls ignore it)

okay so enough excuses, here she is:

this deep, harsh, incessant feeling of shame harbouring in the bottom of my gut is to me, what roots are to a tree,

solid, strong, and stable,

intertwined with my bones and rooted within my very being.

it feeds me and mother me, swaddling me like an infant and rocking me to sleep from within its familiar, welcoming grasp.

I need it for survival, so integral in my very existence that ripping us apart would destroy all thats left within me.

But yet, we are so very unlike that beautiful symbiosis that the root and plant achieve,

that sweet, simple promise, void of all evil, so pure and light that it, He speaks vengefully about it, spitting sour words into my face and whispering harsh lies into my ears.

Our promise is not so gentle. it solely benefits Him, throwing all of me into the dirt and replacing him with a new unidentifiable creature, borne of self hatred and a need to become something, anything else. a dire need to detach myself from everything ive ever been and anything i could possibly become.

He is a parasite, a horrible looming creature, a cruel beast, making me cower in fear within my own, wretched body. He is cruel, intent on toppling the civilisation i spent so long building, the kingdom of my ego, my heart, my emotion; while i sit, and i watch, and i do nothing.

i may need Him to push the breathe from my lungs and carry the blood through my veins, but, He does not need me. He will never need me. im merely another of his children, an effortlessly replaceable thing. a shameful, ugly creature that He does not care for. that He does love. that He does not need. He does not want me. He does not want me. He does not want me. He does not want me. He does not want me.

anonstie i absolutely adored this you cant write something with the theme of shame written with visceral nature imagery and expect me not to go stupid crazy. the way it starts so structured and delicate just to end with that hysterical repetition like it's all falling apart and i LOVE your wording of things, like 'our promise is not so gentle' is such a sick line. im obsessed with this tysm for sending it me!

[cherryblossomforest]

I can't do much today because of my pain. So, I'm just making lists of how I struggle from day to day with autism so I'm ready for my assessment. It's pretty eye-opening because I do and have really struggled, but what gets me are meltdowns. Being asked if I used to have meltdowns or tantrums almost makes me laugh because Hell No. Hit who? Scream and cry? Make a fuss? I was beaten for far less. My father would literally just turn to show me the palm of his hand in public, and I KNEW to swallow any emotion I even thought of expressing. But like, I was a child? I didn't deserve that. Any distress I had would get pushed away out of literal fear that harm would come to me, so I learned to dissociate. I remember something happened to me, and I can't fully remember everything, but I was bleeding from my foot or something and I saw blood on the floor and I wasn't older than 4 but I couldn't feel it. That's how well I perfected that. But now, as I'm accommodating myself, I'm realising I'm overstimulated and overwhelmed by so many things. Being more present is so so difficult.

Then there's the social aspect. Throughout my life, I've just been claimed by people who were mostly extroverted, and that's how my friendships started. My very first friend was like that, and I loved her because she looked out for me even though we were both like 4, but even with that, we were always falling out. Most of my friendships end because I'm not understanding something. Or I call things how I see it... which people didn't like. I learned not to do that over the years, but the urge gets me sometimes. I also find that me being "claimed" also put me in very bad situations because I'd just never assume someone would lie or I never knew their intentions. A light experience being in secondary school, this boy liked me, but I had no idea. I thought we were just friends, but apparently, him putting his foot on mine whilst sitting in class meant different. I can't even remember the excuse he used, but I was like oh okay because he was really nice to me. I was always the last to get jokes or sarcasm, and I took things literally, which always got me either in trouble or laughed at. I was funny when I mostly wasn't trying to be or annoying because I lacked boundaries appropriate for my age. Yikes. I learned the hard way, though. I was only interested in things that interested me. I hated talking about other things because I didn't care, but I learned how to get my friends to like the things I liked. Stimming was mostly to songs, and I'd listen to the same song on repeat for days to weeks. Rocking was great but only in private because I had to keep still when out. I needed weighted things to chill out like pressure, so asking people to sit on my feet was common but weird to everyone but me. I liked putting my hands in hot water or taking hot hot showers. I liked grabbing and squishing peoples biceps. That also wasn't liked by friends. I'd only speak if I absolutely knew what I was talking about, so I ended up being a "know it all."

I've been told I go on and on about things. My friends grew to understand my lack of facial expressions, which still meant I enjoyed things. Not speaking some days was met with joy for teachers because I could talk for England. Walking away from conversations was just seen as me being rude (sometimes I was). Going out to shopping centres put me in a mood, which often got me in trouble, but I was really just overstimulated and wasn't allowed to "act up." And this is just some things.

My school reports mention how I struggle with changes, settling down and making friends, but somehow, I was popular. I don't think I was popular, but I was well known due to things like being one of few black girls and being really athletic (and also bringing alcohol to school but thats more trauma stuff). But even in my friendships, I was odd or weird, but they just put up with it, lol. I struggled with transitions like the whole class doing things to then something else. I remember clinging onto my father like velcro at nursery because I did not want to be left there. This big strange place with random people. At one point, I remember being sent to my sisters class and sitting with her, and she's 7 years older than me. So if I was 3/4, she was 10/11. By secondary school, I was just getting in trouble 24/7, but no one looked into that because I was black and my parents were divorcing for the second time. The SH, alcohol and just being outright messy and disorganised was ignored.

Any routine I had was disrupted by my parents so I could never have any sort of routine to begin with and they'd often make me do things differently to how I'd want to and I had to deal. Having a routine now is beautiful, and if someone changes it (or tries to), I'll cry. I'd very often be left alone with kids or people and told to get on with it, and if I didn't, it was another beating. So there is no place for difficulties in interacting with people. I Had to get it right. Or I was rude and bad bad bad. So I'd copy people! Observe and pretend. Drink to be more sociable. Learn what people like and figure out what makes them tick. I learned to spot things in people and try to fit in like that. But boyyyyy was that draining!!!

I would look people in the eyes because my dad would hit me if I didn't, and I better not go out and "embarress" my parents because when I got home 🙃. My mother had this wooden spoon with everyone's name on it, and if we were making too much noise or being "bad" she would throw it into the room we were in. The crazy bit about that was that if she threw it and it hit you, you're getting beaten with it. So we'd throw ourselves away from whatever direction it was flying in because landing on your neck was better than a beating. If she sent you to go get it to beat someone else, you'd have to use your clothes to hold it. Otherwise, you're getting hit with it. Makes sense why my old T said they were sadistic and why I don't own a wooden spoon now!!

Don't get me started with sensory overload because I can go on for ages. From crying because clothes hurt to wanting to scream because a motorbike went by and it was too loud. Crazy. Wanting to fit in by wearing skinny jeans but crying because they hurt and are prickly. Multiple different textured foods in one should be illegal. My friends knew me for always getting plain milkshakes but banned me one time, so I got a Jaffa cake one, and it tasted nice but the different textures 😖. My ongoing battle with food blenders and hand dryers. Ambulances save people but kill me being so loud and bright. Especially at night. Tags in clothes, just why. Mushrooms and avocados should become extinct. I love spicy food, but if I'm overstimulated, I'll become hostile. Me and the classroom clocks had beef. The list goes on and on, but I need to go to bed now lol. Maybe I'll talk more as I continue to prepare for this assessment.

[cowboyjen68]

hi! i was wondering if you had any advice about coming out? basically im a 20 year old lesbian and over the last month or so ive come out to some of my friends and people i know from university, but im having a bit of a hard time with that. ive hardly been able to tell people unless i was very very drunk or forced into it by either someone asking me or mentioning it in front of someone else.

its not that im not ready or something- im sure about being a lesbian and i feel a lot more at ease with those people ive told (especially when it comes to being friendly with men), but i find it so incredibly awkward to tell people, like i dont want it to be a big announcement or a big deal, but then it also is kind of a big deal to me and thats all very confusing and i dont quite know how to do this.

also, i feel very very emotional about being a lesbian and especially with the whole coming out thing, i pretty much start crying everytime i think of it. its pretty safe where i live so i know a lot of gay people (almost only men though- do you know what is up with that?) but most of them are really chill about all of it, could be because theyve been out longer or they dont know me that well, but i still feel a little weird for getting so emotional, is that a normal thing?

id appreciate any advice and i also wanted to say i love your blog. it always makes me feel hopeful and it makes me trust in the future and that things will fall into place somehow. also i hope its okay that it got a little long, i really needed to get some things off my chest and i dont really have anyone to ask for advice.

When I was still thinking about coming out, so college and a few years out of college I was going over a lot of things in my head. Who do I tell first? When do I tell first? How to I go about it? Do I come out at work? And many others. I ran over scenerios in my head.

I came out to Shawn long before I was read to really come out but coming out to Shawn let me get used to being out with at least one person.

After college, and once I had my own place and job I decided my parents would be the hardest to tell and the least likely to just sort of guess my sexuality. And, because I love and respected them I wanted them to know who I was and how I was going to love, it felt important to me.

After I came out to them everyone else seemed just a little easier because they were the wild card, I was not 100 percent sure how they would react and they mattered most to me. Friends etc who might have turned their back would hurt but not like loosing Mom and Dad, which I did not. They were pretty ok. 

I told my siblings, a few close friends, my best friend from high school her parents, all my current friend group (they were not surprised at all) and a few other relatives.  Most of them were pretty easy and certainly not as stressful as Mom and Dad. 

In my public and daily life and my job I just decided to let things organically happen. I didn’t really come out so much as start to be intentional with my language. Refer to my girlfriend etc. I also received a necklace, which I still wear, from my friend Dan as a coming out gift (rainbow beads). I began to wear it all the time. Of course, as a butch, just naturally I am more likely to be clocked by others as a lesbian. For those who are not if can be a bit more of a balancing act of telling or not. And I recognize that. 

Most of my early friends were gay men as well. I knew some bi women and a few lesbians but the majority of my close circle were gay men. Lesbian kind of intimidated me until I met my first girlfriend, she took me to a women’s festival and introduced me to all her lesbians friends. That friend circle stands today. I still love and enjoy being around the energy of gay men. They have their own unique power.

As to why you might know more gay men than lesbians. Older lesbians tend to sort of “retire” from public life, to refocus on their home, travel, partner and pets. Lesbians of all ages are, for some reason, often less social and spend time enhancing smaller interpersonal friend groups rather than getting out in public and expanding their group so you might have to work a bit hard to find them. They are out there, just less public, I can’t prove any of this, just an observation. 

As are as work, people you meet, casual friends you don’t really have to tell them unless you want them to know. Don’t police your language and work the fact that you are a lesbian into everyday conversations, no coming out event needed and most people with hear it, accept it, and move on with life. In general people really don’t care much. 

And yes, it is normal to get emotional about coming out, even after the 20th time. It takes energy to explain to every person you tell and you can be a bit emotionally over whelmed. You likely spend many years, lots of energy and time coming to terms with being a lesbian. You over came a world telling you lesbians aren’t real (it is a phase or you will find a nice man)and a society that tells a lot of lies about loving other women. (it is weird, not right, dirty, your love isn’t real, two women can’t share passion or you are just a man hater). Once you had the courage to climb over those obstacles by deciding to fully embrace your sexuality and the word lesbian. To like if not love that part of you. So your emotions can be everything from the shear joy of sharing that with people that are important to you to a bit of fear that they might reject something that is important to you. 

I love being a lesbian. Lesbian positivity is my passion and I am often over whelmed by how lucky I am to be one. So much so that when others are like “um ok” it is disappointing., but understandable. So keep on loving who you are and knowing that you are the one who deserves to be the most happy about your good fortune, being born a lesbian.

The difficulty of coming out does fade and eventually you have to do it less and less and friends know and others find out in due time without your efforts. 

My advice is don’t feel obligated to tell anyone. Don’t take other people’s support or disapproval too much to heart. You is who matters. Keep on loving your gay man friends and get out to more women centered/lesbian focused events like concerts, book readings, festivals  and non profit fundraisers. Eventually you will make more lesbians friends.

[mokutone]

yo i would love to hear some of ur trans yam headcanons :) (also ps ur art is breathtaking and whenever i see it reblogged on my dash i always come here anyway to read ur tags bc they r so! good!)

thank u 🥺🥺🥺 god im sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for a couple days ksdjghsdkjgh not only have i got a LOT of thoughts to put here (this is only a selection of the bigger thoughts skdjghsdkjhg) i was also super busy the past few days!!!! ty for ur patience, ur compliments, and for inviting me to ramble abt my favorite guy!

maybe the one constant in all trans people is just like. our decision to intentionally and purposefully create ourselves, to forced into an identity by outside forces and to turn away from it in search of something else, and that’s ultimately what makes captain yamato read as a trans character to me! He goes through so many identities, and they are meaningful to him, but you can also clearly tell that he’s searching for something that really fits him.

I don’t really have a lot of firm thoughts on what his specific identity would be, I’ve seen some great nonbinary yams, some lovely genderfluid yams, trans guy yams, there’s a great variety and i delight in them all! 

I tend to imagine him as transmasculine and nonbinary but male aligned (which means he’d feel at least a partial connection to or comfort with masculinity) and while there are a bunch of labels for this experience of gender (demiboy, bigender, etc etc) i don’t see him as somebody who would use any specific labels, I feel like he’d keep his own experience of his gender fairly private! He’d prefer and be fine with masculine-coded terms of address, and happy enough passing as a guy.

AHH and on names...

I think Kinoe is the only name that I really see as like. a genuine deadname. It’s a name that means “The First” to my understanding, and so like, probably refers to him having the genetics of the first. Therefore, it’s kind of. literally a name referring to him as his biology...boy thats as deadname as it gets, huh? kill that shit and also danzō

Tenzō is also a name thats given to him, but to my understanding (all I know about the anbu arc is picked up thru osmosis lol) it’s a name that’s given to him twice, with affection. Once from Yukimi, who sees him as her brother (not a vessel for the first hokage’s powers, probably for the first time ever—even if it’s still another person’s name) He takes the name, gladly! Unfortunately danzō. anyway,

Later, when he starts to introduce himself to the non-root Anbu as Kinoe, Kakashi cuts him off and names him to the anbu as Tenzō. To my understanding: it’s a name at rest, not a name for one singular mission, but a name for his entire time in Anbu. It’s the name he keeps the longest. Again, it’s a name that’s given to him to him by somebody else, but it’s one that is given with the intention to free him of Kinoe, and all that Kinoe had to be. 

(A note on him getting annoyed with Kakashi for calling him Tenzō in main-plot:

Most of this is of course based off of personal experience, but I find it hard to believe that he would actively dislike Tenzō as a name since it was given with such sweet intentions—most of my names have been gifts, and the only one I’ve actively taken out of rotation has been bc i cannot stand the person who used it, and the way it was used, and while Anbu was certainly bad for Yamato...I don’t think it was quite that bad. I think him telling Kakashi to stop calling him Tenzō has more to do with the use of it where it doesn’t belong—for example, while it’s not exactly a name, I am happy to be called “mokutone” here, and you may notice my friends calling me by another name, but if any of those friends called me mokutone in DMs, I would be bothered by that.)

Yamato starts off as an empty codename, given to him for the purposes of his team 7 mission by the Hokage, but I think it gets such a loving and warm association from just...using out in the sunlight, with these kids that he comes to think so fondly of (he’s such a dad. god. he’s such a fucking dad) and with the friends he makes going out drinking and actually having time to socialize—and that means a lot! I think Yamato is probably the name which becomes most meaningful and like a home to him by the end of the series. This is the active name, the name where he is most himself. It’s vital for him to have that space to grow into! 

But that said, I personally feel like, if he were to continue beyond the edges of the story, this would not be the final name he bears. He’s probably well aware that a single name cannot contain who he is, or who he wants to be, and while being Given a name can be a beautiful thing (like i said, most of my names are gifts! i treasure them.) I think that, for his character arc, I would like him to name himself at some point. Even if it’s a name that only exists for private spaces, I want him to complete that self determination, to at least try it out, even if ultimately Yamato is the name everyone else will know him by.

Physical Transition Stuff

i will confess i hurt to imagine these shinobi binding 😭😭 even if an individual is binding safely (well made binder, no more than 8 hours, AND No Physically Intense Activity) they stand to risk hurting themself! In real life we gotta balance out the physical pain and the pain of dysphoria, but this is naruto and I’m Gonna Play Some Headcanon Games!

If chakra is both a kind of spiritual energy as well as directly connected to the body (as we learned in the hyūga fight) then it stands to reason that by manipulating ones own chakra, they can manipulate the body, or at least the way the body changes (such as naruto’s healing factor) 

This probably is not the safest thing to do unless you’re a mednin or following the directions of one, LMAO

The second the hell of puberty started up for Tenzō he tried to hold it back by sheer force of willpower + chakra manipulation alone 

but, manually controlling one’s chakra is like trying to prevent a stream from flowing with your hands alone, which is to say: an exhausting uphill battle.

 He’d probably only be doing it on his down time and not on a mission, but even still the most I bet he could make it doing that without getting figured out is two months.

Luckily blockers are readily available, Tenzō just had no idea and, gender being a private experience for him, was trying to handle the whole thing entirely on his own. Soon after attempting to self-regulate hormones him-fucking-self like a very valid but desperate fool, he gets an appointment, gets a prescription, and can chill out and not have to be as hellishly aware of his body constantly.

 Konoha mednin will say trans rights even if the village itself is garbage, this series is so god damn weird already, nobody can tell me a ninja taking hormones is somehow weirder than a ninja taking his dead best friends genetic superpower eye.

TWO WEEKS, THREE SPARS, AND ONE VERY EMOTIONALLY DRAINING CONVERSATION LATER:

u might think kakashi is passing him a water bottle and they both look so exhausted bc its post spar but no. physically theyre fine, but the emotional toll of having to talk about something either of them care at all about? miracle they survived.

[lurking96]

Chapter 320 or why it is better than thought but not great

As last time I talked about my opinion with chapter 319 this time I will talk about chapter 320. This is my opinion. I do not claim it to be the absolute undeniable truth. This piece might be seen as Anti Bakugou so again it is under the cut and the tags are added so they can be filtered out.

So how we ended the last chapter we start out in the rain again. We see Iidas more serious face and of course we see Bakugou who calls Izuku “drawn differently” that might even be some form of Meta joke on how Izuku looks well more “edgy” now than before. Also still calls him a nerd. We then have Izuku attempting to flee by using his new Smokescreen technique. Bakugou in turn uses a new technique of his to just blow it away. An explosion. Here now is my question How? How does Bakugou make an explosion that just doesnt add more smoke. I hope that gets explained or thats just another asspull on his account. A more important thing in that scene is that Bakugou calls him some OFA bigshot and that Izuku must see everyone just as NPCS. This is Bakugou projecting on Izuku. This is how Bakugou acts towards people. Thinking he is some big shot and claiming everyone an extra. It shows that while Bakugou claims he understands Izuku he does not understand him. He projects his own personality on Izuku now that he thinks him to be “strong”. Bakugou thinks that kindness doesnt exist. That you cant do stuff for others without a reward attached. That people look down on others. Because he does those things. And to validate his worlview of course others must act like this too. He still sees him as weakling but also strong. Strong like Bakugou sees himself. Also for once Izuku is doing his own thing without Bakugou inserting himself into the narrative at first. That must probably be a shock to Bakugou who doesn’t want to be an extra or side character. It feels a bit like the whole “He reached his hand out to me because he looked down on me.” bit he had going on with Izuku and still does not seem to be over with. A thing after this we see is how Koda says that Nedzu said that he can come back. There seems to be miscommunication there. Izuku did not leave because Nedzu threw him out. He left to protect them as he is AFOs main target and AFO nuked an island before to deal with a holder of OFA. UA had compromised security before so there really is no reason for Izuku to trust them now with their security. It also doesnt make sense for AFO to attack UA now. It would just show that Izuku didnt need to isolate and should have been there. But AFO wants to isolate him. So it would be better to attack when Izuku would be back at UA. To show that he brought the main target to the promised safe house. So it would kinda play into AFOs hands to get him back. We have this followed by Sero holding down Blackwhip. (Dont get me wrong would love to give Sero a quirk awakening and more screen time but it felt a bit weird). We then have Jiro and Ojiro (finally screentime for him) talk about what Izuku did for them. How he helped them. Izuku says that he should leave that he paints a target on their back. That he doesnt want AFO to kill them. Dark Shadow tries to grab Midoriya while Sato brings up Eri. The girl Midoriya saved. Also one could say a bit of subtle emotional manipulation though not malicious. Bringing up the little girl that surely misses him. Yaoyarozu then ends up putting him in a chair. A chair with sedatives. A chair reminiscent of  a special chair in the high security prison Tartarus. The type of Asylum chair All for One has been bound to too and probably be sedated. Yaoyarozu also says that they are allowed to aid the other heroes with their quirks. Meaning they actually do not need to drag him back to UA. They could help him rest and make him eat in other ways. Support from a safe distance. A compromise really. That so far they maybe havent thought about. However Izuku breaks out of the chair. We then have Shoji, Kaminari and Tokoyami bind him with Shojis insulated tentacles and dark shadow. Probably trying to use Kaminari as human taser to take him out. Izuku escapes this. shoji asks if he sees them as victims that need protection. This feels more sincere then what bakugou said. Not the baggage attached. Not the projection. And yes. They are not defenseless. They are not weak. However they still are first years that never should have been involved in any kind of war. And against AFO well they would probably easily get dusted. A more supportive role would be fitting. Take out the villains around AFO.  Now comes an important part. Danger sense has not been going off. Izuku claims that it would have gone off if he felt danger or malice emit from them. He understands that they are worried about him. But again he also understands that he is a big target. He was out the whole time and saw that AFO won’t just give them a break. That he will kill people. Danger sense not going off is a no brainer. Of course there is no malicious intent. Class 1A were/are his allies. They want what they think is best for him. However that doesnt make their opinion absolute. You can have good intentions but how you do it and how it ends up can still be a huge fiasco. Izuku needs rest. A bath. Food. A doctor. But UA just doesnt have the security. The past shows it. UA is a safe house filled with civilians. Izuku knows that AFO wont stop at the barricade. That while yes there are pro heroes and trained students. AFO is a natural disaster. He wouldn’t just give in. There is no sunk cost fallacy. AFO will try to get his claws onto him no matter how many assasins, nomu or otherwise he needs to send out. The chapter ends with Izuku being caught in Shotos ice wall. Shoto telling him that he should share his burden with them. Showing his character developement. Froppy tells him that she won’t weep anymore and that he matters to her and that they won’t let him do this alone. Overall this chapter was different than I expected. We didnt get an all out fight. We didnt get the “Snap” so far. Class 1A tried to get hold of him. They told him that he is important to them and how he helped them. How they do about things might not be all that helpful. He will not go back to UA willingly. He should not go back to UA. They still seem to lack so much context about his reasoning for things. They do not understand him. Them telling him how he helped them. How much he means to them is an interesting thing. A bit ago Hori said where the name “Deku” originates from. A well known poem Ame ni mo Makezu  by Kenji Miyazawa. The verse “minna ni deku-no-bō to yobare” or in english “Called useless by all”

Here we have the poem. A person that helps others without ever getting or wanting recognition. A person that is not special except to reach out to help. A person that is just doing the right thing. Endeavor got credit for Stain, Overhaul vs Izuku is not well known, Gentle criminal got defeated without recognition for Izuku. Hardly anyone knows it was him at the sludge villain incident and most pro heroes there scolded him for being the one to do the right thing. Dagobah beach. It´s not widely known he cleaned it. Izukus desire is to rescue and help people. He is not into it for money, fame, recognition, legacy. While he does have a legacy to All Might he is also his own person. He tried to show himself to the world at the sports festival but that was also on All Mights wish. He didnt succeed with that. He is known as the bone breaker and not the second coming of All Might. He is not self serving. He wants to be useful and not a bother. Someone seen as useless that still does his best. It shows. They do give him recognition in this chapter. Do praise him. But this is not what he wants. This is not what he does it for. He isn’t coerced in coming back thanks to that. While he of course needs positive reinforcement it doesnt seem to be such an active desire to him. It´s more important for him that he sees them safe. The first line of the poem “Unbeaten by the rain” might also have some importance. Maybe it is foreshadowing that he won’t be brought back by the class. Maybe he escapes or he shows and makes them understand why he he does things. Maybe they find a compromise. As we go back to look at the chapter once more. Four people are kinda lacking. Hagakure and Aoyama. Both theorised in the fandom to be the traitor. Maybe danger sense would have activated and that would have called them out. Maybe it will next chapter. Iida we only saw in one panel. And Uraraka is not there either except for one beginning panel. Those two are his first friends. People like to compare this to the kamino arc when the squad rescued Bakugou. People saying that Bakugou will reach out to Midoriya like back at the kidnapping. However. That was not the thing. Kirishima reached out his hand as Midoriya knew that even in a life and death situation Bakugou would never take his willingly. So yes it would make more sense that either Iida, Uraraka or even Todoroki hold their hand out or even all three together.Maybe thats why Uraraka and IIda were not really there. Maybe they have their big moment next chapter. I personally dont hope it´s Urarakas love confession. That really would feel a bit shallow to me and out of left field. Overall I did not dislike this chapter. There was not the big beatdown like some expected. However how they as a class go about it might not have the best result. I am interested in how it continues in the next chapter. I would prefer Class 1A supporting him by not dragging him back to UA. By helping him rest and take down villains that don’t need the person to have OFA to survive the encounter. Again this is an opinion. Not claimed to be the absolute truth but also not without some proof.

[redwhitebuddie]

I have only been here a few months so sorry for my ignorance. Honestly I only lightly shipped them because I thought they were setting me up. But last year was it ever discussed that Eddie says after the well incident he changed the guardianship to Bucky, which is the exact episode they started pushing Anna. So we know they set up a time line and the fact that Eddie told him at the hospital screams to me he never had true intentions towards Anna (thank fuck). But is it to much to hope the writers have been setting this up. Its weird because thats the feeling I get, but I dont want to be hopeful. Looking back now its like Eddie really was just doing what he thought he was supposed to do and something changed when he was shot and got more perspective. But I also feel like the writers are fucking with me.

me and my speculation brain are happy to discuss anything about the intentions of the 911 team. 

they started pushing ana in about the middle of season three but didn’t really make it a big deal until the end of season three. the thing about relationships and new characters on TV shows (for this scenario I’m calling ana a new character as she is not main cast and was barely guess cast in a few episodes before she was eddies gf) is that a lot of the times if there is a midseason finale or season finale, they will base the storyline of the character off of the reaction from the audience during the break or they will change characters relationships due to chemistry of the actors.for example, eddie was initially brought in to be maddies love interest but they changed it due to chemistry being better between maddie and chimeny rather than maddie and eddie. if you were a friend of friends the show, then you might know that because of the audiences reaction to the chemistry, the writers wrote chandle and monica add a couple.

as for eddie specifically, he is a very emotionally repressed man who has trouble prioritizing his feelings especially when it comes to relationships. because of his past transgressions, he feels he cannot trust himself to make solid opinions when it comes to relationships. but I think the incident with the sniper made him a little more aware of how short life is. i think he’s treating it as a wake up call. but that being said his emotional repression is still going to be a factor when it comes to actually expressing those feelings. the shooting might’ve helped him understand the feelings but expressing them as a whole other thing

[calpalsworld]

Not "autistic anon," but also autistic, (being called maybe ableist made me want to put this out there before go to bed) i thought Zane was depicted that way purposefully by the writers. He has stereotypical traits like taking things literally, and has an actual humor switch. The writers have done things with Zane before like have him lose bodily autonomy (during that one Wu's teas short) and did something with his voice be it making him unable to be understood or talking too loud and the forced pirate voice by Jay. (what you're doing isn't too different from that, right?) I thought it was just a little iffy to distort his body and memory bc that could be interpreted as something not that I'm sure what exactly, it's some kind of disability. I dunno. I'm not good with putting this to words. I hope this makes sense.

Sorry I went to bed but now I’m awake 😭

Also I ended up totally spilling all my thoughts here rather than only specifically replying to you please forgive me context: my scary zane concept design, & my ninjago rewrite i refer to a lot 

Im a little confused but I think I get what you're saying? You're saying the Ninjago writers absolutely DON'T write Zane well (you listed examples of this) and you don't want me to fall into the same trap?

I had the opposite logic earlier. I thought: If Ninjago writers made Zane have stereotypical autisitic traits while also being a dehumanized robot, I may as well embrace it, say he is autistic blatantly, while also making him do funny/cool non-human robot things, so its clear as possible the two aspects of his character are literal and separate and not a metaphor for each other. But you're right! I do have a choice and I dont have to embrace things! :)

Like there were a couple ways I was gonna reject the original, for example, I never wanted Zane to have a funny switch, and I hated how other characters could fuck with Zane and he didn't even care 😬. I want to change that stuff. So youre right, if I am changing shit like that, it would be counterproductive for ME to GIVE him MORE traits along that theme. 😬😬😬 I should try to feel less obligated to portray Zane like he originally is. I still like the concept of "scary zane" (for reasons i explain below the cut) but I might tone it down a bit like with the claws and weird proportions and shit. I’d def make him look more skeletal and undead. That was my original intention, but i didnt execute it as good as I could have.... idk if anyone could tell thats what he was supposed to be like...my bad! But rn I dont wanna redesign him I wanna draw other stuff like normal alive Zane. Sorry LMAO 😳. Like I said in some earlier asks I think, I think Im gonna focus rn on how I should portray season 1 normal not dead Zane so thank you and feel free to share any other Zane thoughts ^_^ SOME OTHER THOUGHTS:

Also I Wanna Argue Some Stuff But I Understand its a Weak Argument Since All of This Context was Just In My Brain (so don't take this as an argument, just as me rambling): I don't want messed up things to happen to Zane and for it to just be ignored. I think if Zane is going to have fucked up things happen to him, as all characters must, its best for it to happen during a season where he actually addresses his feelings about being a robot (learning to accept that he will always be himself, regardless if hes "human" or the "original" or whatever. (thats how I always interpreted his emotions)). But I wouldn't have the other Ninja be very phased by Zane's looks because the whole point is they already love who he is (seasons 1-3 were about getting to know Zane) and now Zane himself just has to learn the physical, robot part of him is okay. Its about person-hood rather than humanity. Because the season focuses around Zane's soul, and because he lost his original body, I feel like I could mess around with his current, temporary body and have fun and make it scary. Because that body should be irrelevant. I understand it possibly being upsetting for an autistic character to be designed like this, but other people I talked to see it the opposite way. They find it comforting for him to look so different but still be himself and be so loved. SO IM ABSOLUTELY NOT saying its wrong to be bothered or to hate it or to feel any way. Just that I personally think it would be cool for Zane to be portrayed with a little spice lol, so thats why I like scary Zane for season 4.

Another Thing I Wannna Say But Is REALLY Hypocritical: (this isnt directed at anyone I just REALLY want to say this) I know I say "this is Zane but scary, he looks like fnaf" so he's obviously dehumanized, but I always felt like "scary" is more of an objective fact. Its an instinct. But what's "not human" is subjective. I think there is a problem with saying anything different from "average" human is dehumanized because that could extend to real people. Lol I know its bad for me to compare FNAF-ass Zane to real people, but I mean he could be real. People can have exposed teeth, and people can be shaped weird. And when someone first sees a person who looks like that they'll probably think "woah those features are scary" by instinct. And that surprise doesn't make someone ableist obviously. But bring that person’s humanity into question is NOT an instinct, and is fucked to shit. This is kinda a bad point for me to make since its about the fictional FNAF Zane I drew, and I am NOT implying ANYONE was thinking like this. [especially not the original asker anon who I am totally forgetting about at this point OOPS]. But I just thought it was an opinion of mine I couldn't go without mentioning when talking about dehumanization and disabilities.

^^^ I think you (anon) understand what I mean and might’ve said the exact same thing as me if you were writing a long ass response? I think this because you started to bring physical disabilities up and you said it was "a little iffy." ^_^ So we agree, but I don't see Zane's relation to real life disabilities as "a little iffy" I see it more like "complicated"? IF THAT DIFFERENCE EVEN MAKES ANY SENSE?????? I feel like a lot of things about Zane are really just complicated and need the right context, rather than the concepts necessarily being wrong -- NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT! THATS THE WHOLE REASON I DO THIS STUPID REWRITE! XD thats why a lot of my rewrite SO FAR has been the same concepts and plot beats, but different dialogue n specifics and such. I like a lot of concepts in Ninjago but I dont think they were presented correctly.....! :( So I guess all we can do is wait and see if I make Zane offensive or not....???

Also something about the memory part - yeah i agree i was surprised no one thought that was weird to make jokes out of his memory issues..... BUT I am like 100% firm on making his memory take longer to come back because I think its stupid how quick Zane was able to recover from literally dying. Like its just dumb to me. Hate it. (also bc memory & soul mechanics is ummm kinda important in my rewrite.... for reasons). Another memory thing btw, I was going to make his original amnesia come from hitting his head in an attack against the Skulkin when they stole his dads corpse, rather than his dad fucking choosing to make him forget. (its a sweet & iconic scene, but Um, WHY?!!!?!?!?!?) He has to follow data recovery instructions he finds in his dads diary. I think in that context it makes moments of memory loss somewhat different for Zane's character? Instead of loss of autonomy associated with disability, its a literal violent loss of autonomy associated with being traumatized by physical force. Idk how to phrase it exactly but I think that makes some vibes different?

Sorry, I think I got really distracted, and I don't know if I responded well to your points. Because uhhhh I think I agree with your stance actually? If I understand correctly? Fuck Ninjago writers for making the robot lose autonomy (a stereotypical robot theme) while also making him seem clearly autistic (NOT A HAPPY THEME FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE) and not addressing it. And also auuugh Zane with a weird body is a difficult topic - kinda sussy pretty iffy.

Lol anyway idk if this made any sense and I REALLY rambled on you. but this was nice 👉👈 more Zane criticism pls love you and i love zane. i hope u dont feel mad at me because then it would be weird that im saying that lol. if you do feel mad at me tho you can send another ask (ILL TRY TO JUST LISTEN NOT RAMBLE NEXT TIME) but assuming ur chill rn, love you thnx

Take this page, don’t mind cole’s ass.

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

yall i get so Tired when i see some ppl complaining abt how “boring” midoriya is like if u could think critically for one second my dude,,

like. stop and think for one second for me. where have you ever seen a character like midoriya before? like, beyond a few similarities? i see ppl compare him to fuckin naruto but beyond their demeanors, theyre not the same character at all

like ok.

midoriya’s smart, not naturally, but because hes observant and a critical thinker. bro is constantly shown to be thinking and calculating and that this is a skill he has honed over the years; where else have u seen a smart main character act like that?

he cares so fucking much its kinda a flaw sometimes (like how hes never held bakugou accountable for his actions). idk this is kinda typical of shonen protags but he’s not a weird dick abt his compassion either; he cares and shows it in ways both the audience and the ppl he cares abt understand

he cries all the time. THATS definitely different. he’s in touch with his emotions through and through and is never really ashamed for it (except for that one scene in the manga where he’s having a rough time and has that whole “heroes dont cry” mantra going through his head, but that doesnt last). i think thats rlly a great characteristic. ppl make jokes abt him being a little bitch but lol,,,sorry a character actually expresses emotions instead of being a ~stoic badass~ all the time

his mom is still alive, which breaks shonen main character cliches (which tbh doesnt have much to do with his character particularly but still its a point in his favor). in a similar vein of thought, he doesnt have daddy issues canonically (at least not yet idk what hisashi/dad for one is gonna end up being djkdjk)

most importantly tho, midoriya had to WORK to get to where he is; he was never some “chosen one���. no one “just had a feeling” about him. literally everyone told him he couldnt become a hero, everyone implied that he could try as hard as he wanted to but that he would never make it, but he persevered despite that.

bc of his hardworking and determined manner, midoriya EARNED every. single. chance and opportunity he was given. bro had to prove himself first even to ALL MIGHT, who ended up being the FIRST person to believe in him. all might didnt just trust him bc midoriya reminded him of himself. no one believed in him until he believed in himself first, and thats why he DESERVES one for all (and respect in general but yall are clowns)

hes a light for all of those kids who felt like giving up. he’s living proof that the situation youre born into, that society forces you into, is not your ending; you can still push on regardless. you can still be happy regardless. thats important for both kids in his society, and in our real one!! midoriya is a guide for so many ppl, real AND fictional.

and some other stuff;; hes socially awkward but still tries his best because he never wants anyone to feel how he felt when he was growing up. this isnt abnormal for protags, but the way he’s socially awkward is both more genuine and also more realistic like. “im a dick but ohh wait i have a soft exterior that you must dig for” is such an annoying way of showing off “social awkwardness” and midoriya breaks that stereotype so thank GOD.

hes baby but hes also an absolute feral child sometimes as well; hes more complex than people give him credit for in that regard. kid literally will only value rules at face value. he works with them only until they go against his interests; then he has no issues whatsoever breaking them

and this last point is v important: midoriya has been through a lot in canon; his once best friend became abusive for ten+ years, before just becoming a prick he could handle himself in high school; his mom is single and trying to work for both him and herself; he was completely alone until he was 14/15; no one, NO ONE believed in him until he could prove them otherwise, and even then, he still received some doubt concerning his abilities, purposes, and intentions (bakugou, aizawa, and nighteye). at the same time though, midoriya’s not angry with the world; hes not really angry at all. despite all hes seen and gone through, midoriya is still kind and optimistic and i think thats really what separates him from other main characters, especially those in his genre

midoriya is a guide. he is a light. ik i make jokes abt him being sunshine but he really IS; his whole POINT of existing is to inspire kids both in real life and in his fictional world and to reassure them that their situation will only end the way they make it; they can get out. they can be safe. they can live up to want they want to be

and thats important. thats inspiring. that is the farthest fuckin thing from “boring” you can get

anyway so if i see one more person saying midoriya is “boring/bland/etc” one more time just bc he isnt an edgy bitch like other main characters, im gonna throat punch someone. stan my boy or die

[obscureoperations]

i’ve had this random concept in my head of martin talking about his s/o on the radio and s/o hearing it and figuring out he’s the count possibly confronting him etc

Oh my god I love this idea! Some of my favorite scenes were when he was on the phone. The way the radio station was his outlet. I know he would talk to them if he met someone. Not completed, there will definitely be a part two. I’m in the middle of trying to go through my asks.

~ For the most part things had been going quite well, you had been seeing Martin for a little over a month. You first noticed him when you went into Cuda’s shop, he seemed to notice you as well, he was extremely flustered when you stepped to the check out. You made small talk as he bagged your items, he seemed to go out of his way not to look at you. When he finally did, you were taken aback, he was even more breathtaking up close. You made it a point to stop in almost every other day, eventually the two of you built up a sort of friendship. He told you when he was off, when he would usually go on break...after a few weeks you finally asked him out. You were a nervous wreck for some reason, even though he knew the worst he could do was say no. He agreed instantly, and things pretty much bloomed from there. At this point the two of you were practically inseparable.

You made it a point to get him away from the hose, you started to look at the old man in a different light. If Cuda was as bad as Martin said, you didn’t even feel comfortable spending money at the shop. Your relationship turned physical faster than you liked to admit, but being with Martin felt so natural. There was a certain type of innocence about him--but at times you felt as though he was hiding something. 

He canceled plans with you a couple nights ago, which was odd--he usually went out of his way just to see you. You tried not to give it much thought,after all he had his own life. He claimed it had something to do with the family. He made up for it ten fold the very next day, he didn’t leave your side until right before dinner. 

You were supposed to see him later tonight. He told you that he would crawl out of his window and meet you around ten. You already knew what that meant. He wanted to stay the night, and that was completely fine. You had the day off from work and kept yourself mostly preoccupied. Running errands, tidying up. You wouldn’t have to do laundry for weeks. A strange sort of anticipation bubbled at the pit of your stomach for mostly the entire day. You were excited to see him sure--but there was something else. He had been acting pretty strange lately. He was more tired than usual, shaky almost jittery. He seemed to be more prone to headaches. The light really bothered his eyes, he was thirstier than normal, when the two of you were together he was more dominant than you were used to. You knew he couldn’t possibly be on drugs. You planned to ask him if anything was wrong tonight--if there was you could surely help.

It was about eight thirty when you flounced onto the bed, already eagerly glancing over to the clock. Questions had been forming in your head for most of the day and at this point you just wanted to know if something was wrong. With a sigh, you decided to turn on the radio, maybe some music would calm your thoughts. You ended up settling on your favorite talk radio station-- you were so preoccupied lately you hadn’t listened to it in weeks.

“Alright guys looks like we have a special treat, Guess who’s decided to grace us with his presence tonight?!”

This weird cheesy spooky tone starts to play in the background “You guessed right...it’s the Count!”

Your eyebrow immediately shot up towards your forehead, you remember listening to that guy. You followed his story intently, it was in fact a little before you met Martin. The guy was odd...to say the least--but if anything a brilliant storyteller. He claimed to be some sort of vampire, he needed blood to survive--he’d been around for eighty four years. He would stalk his victims before sedating them with some type of drug-- after that he would drink their blood. It was… interesting to say the least. Not your typical idea of a vampire, but he always stressed that it’s not like in the movies. He didn’t have a whole lot of women fawning over him desperate for him to take them in the middle of the night. If anything, he just seemed like this lonely kid, you almost felt bad--he seemed to really believe what he was saying. You always tried to picture what he would look like. He had this odd...cryptic way of speaking. He almost reminded you of Martin in the way that he would phrase things. You knew it was virtually impossible. Imagine you dating an actual ‘’vampire’’

“It’s been a good while Count, how the hell are ya?”

“Good. Really good.”

“Alright Man! We were starting to get a bit worried, you pretty much vanished for a month. Our listeners were getting antsy!”

“They were?” You had to bite down on the insides of your cheeks. He sounded genuinely confused, it was actually pretty adorable.

“Yeah man! Every other day.. “Hey you guys hear from the Count… whatever happened to the count? Do you think he got caught?!”

“I’m fine… I’m always fine.”

“Good! Thats  really good. Ya gotta tell us, what the hell has been goin on with you? You scope out any new victims… are ya feeling shakey? What’s happenin’??”

“Well.. yes and no. I haven’t really felt shaky until recently. But thats all over now. I’m okay.”

“Ohhh did you find a new one? A pretty lady perhaps?”

“No! I-I mean… It was just a bum. I can’t really stalk them like I used to. I just really needed blood.”

“You can’t stalk them...what does that mean? The cops onto you?” Obnoxious fake sirens begin to play.

He’s silent for a moment. “Shit… too much I think we lost him. Count...Count are you there?”

“I’m  here.” He says after a moment. You were on your stomach, clutching a pillow beneath your chin. The more and more he spoke, his voice began to sound so familiar. 

“I sort of met someone…’

More obnoxious sound effects, you can hear bursts of confetti  and party horns.You rolled your eyes, you wanted him to ‘speak’ Why did he suddenly sound so much like Martin?

“You met someone Count?! See I told ya man...just give it some time. When did you meet em?”

“About two months ago..” Your heart instantly sunk. It wasn’t possible, nope. No way in hell.

“How did you meet them?”

“I-  It was through work. They came in, and they were so pretty. I just---”

He’s silent for a long while.  Your heart was practically beating out of your chest. You remember hearing him talk about someone who was new in town shortly before you and Martin first  met. He told the hosts that he saw them at the train station, he instantly just knew that they were for him. Jay and Rick continued to ask probing questions. Asking if he meant that he found his next victim. The Count vehemently denied, simply stating that they were simply beautiful. He just wanted to learn more. You had arrived in Braddock about three months ago, you tried your damndest to recall the train ride. Did you see anyone who looked remotely like Martin? The answer was no. Surely you would have spotted him.

“ So you’re seeing someone Count… what are they like?!”

“They’re amazing.” He answers immediately this time. 

“They like to talk a lot, but it’s okay. I can tell they really listen to me…”

“Count, you sound smitten. “

“I am. I get to see them later tonight.”

If you weren't already sitting down, you were sure that you would have fainted. There were hardly any questions now. This had to be Martin. You wanted to puke, yet you were almost relieved. Shortly before you met you were listening to the Count in a certain way. You were repulsed by his actions, but his story intrigued you. If you really thought about it, you had developed a bit of a crush.

“So tell us more.. Do they know how you feel?”

“I think so. I haven’t really thought about blood since we started doing the sexy stuff..”

More fake confetti and sirens, you roll your eyes. At this point, you were convinced that you were dreaming. This couldn’t be real, absolutely not. Martin?

“Oh ho hooo… so it’s like that? Do you see things progressing?”

“I do, I really do. But- I’m scared.”

“Scared of what man?”

Radio static, he’s silent for an inordinate amount of time. At this point you were practically trembling. A whirlwind of emotions. Shock, betrayal, disgust, and relief. You really needed to talk to him right now.

“I’m scared because I think I’ve fallen in love.. A- and when I tell them… I’m gonna tell them. About me. I just know they’re going to leave.”

You continued to lay in the same position for a little over an hour. So that was it. You were right. You had no idea when tears began to spill from your eyes, but they did,they practically soaked through the pillow. You couldn't find it in you to move, or even fetch the glass of water that you  so desperately craved. Your throat was dry, you had no idea why you were so upset-- Rather you did. 

Why couldn’t he just tell you?

Your heart practically leaps out of your chest when you hear a faint tap at the window.  You bolt up almost instantly, desperately wiping at your eyes. You looked a mess, there was no way to hide the fact  that you had been crying. With a deep breath, you unlock the window,

[akvtsuki-ari]

A Study In Body Language: v. love is a virtue

Warnings: smut! unprotected sex, mild angst, but other than that mostly fluffy. 

Length: 6.5k

Authors Note: holy shit yall. we did it. 25000 words, 5 chapters and a whole lot of emotional turmoil, we fuckin did it. i will be writing an epilogue for this story but for now, here it is - a study in body language. hope yall have enjoyed this wild ride 

Plot Summary: Spencer realizes how deep he’s fallen, and reads something that changes his plans of confession. Love is beautiful, apparently. 

Link to the song mentioned: 1000 Times by Sara Bareilles 

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

He overhears you in the bullpen. You’re not sad when you talk about it, and maybe he was a little too hopeful to hear you clearly but you sounded relieved. He hopes you’re relieved but he doesn’t know how to deal with that feeling. He doesn’t feel sorry for himself but he could drown in the relief when you say you broke up with Jay. A weight off of his shoulders, off of his consciousness. For a moment he wasn’t so damn restless. You were single but he doesn’t know what that changed. Everything felt different, shit everything was different. The world that he’d come to know was shattered underneath the weight of this feeling. 

“Why’d you two break up?,” JJ asks. She’s curious, but Spencers hanging on your voice for the answer. His whole body relaxes. You pause, maybe you’re shrugging. 

“I don’t know - I think we both realized that this wasn’t gonna be long-term but we’ll always be cool. He’s a really good guy, but we have different wants, I think,” you say casually. You don’t sound sad. 

“You don’t seem upset,” Prentiss comments. Spencers happy he’s not delusional. 

“I’m not. The whole thing was really mutual and I loved him but not as anything more than friends really and he feels the same so I’m okay,” You say casually. He doesn’t hear much else, so he walks away before you can turn the corner and see him. 

Rain beats on the windows when Spencer walks away. It’s been raining for days now, the darkness seemed to be encompassing but it was nice. Spencer liked rain, watching it when he needed to think and it seems like he was having to do that more often these days. Rain wasn’t somber to Spencer, as much as it was a sobering reminder. Rain made him think of you, but most things did so he isn’t sure if it’s any deeper than that. Everything made Spencer think of you. 

Spencer couldn’t stop himself from thinking of you. It was a crushing realization that you were in love with someone and that you would do anything to make them happy. It was always apart of him, he couldn’t catch a break without being reminded of how much he adored you. Things continued as normal but he was working hard to make sure of that. He didn’t want to lose you, or hurt you so he tried so hard to make sure things were okay, even if it killed him slowly. He wanted to call you his, because in his heart of hearts, he wanted you to think of him as yours. Spencer was overwhelmed every time he saw you because it was you. You were you and he’d give you everything if you asked for it. He would rob the stars in the sky for you, he would steal the sun for you to keep, he would do anything to make you happy. That realization was crushing and Spencer was unsure if you had any clue.

__

The work day passes normally. Everyone was ready to go home, though some of the team wanted to hang at O’Keefes for a drink but you and Spencer passed. They all gave each other knowing looks, that Spencer became aware of when he realized he liked you. You still seemed clueless, and that was a scary enough thought. Spencer just flushed as he sees everyone walk out to the elevator, leaving you and him alone for the night. 

“Any special plans, Spence?,” you ask Spencer, fiddling with the strap of your bag as you two waited for the next elevator to come. Spencer shakes his head, looking at your stance and smiling. The bag was too big for you, clearly too heavy on your shoulders but he knew you’d never get rid of it. It was a thing about you he’d picked up from before. 

“Not really, no. Might go home and watch some TV, though I don’t know what,” Spencer replies thoughtfully. You nod in understanding, letting out a huff of frustration as you let go of your bag problem. Spencer just chuckles as he stands in front of you, fixing up the buckle before the strap. You look up at him with a grateful grin, and he feels his heart pound. Love, love, love on his mind when he looks at you. He feels a bit sick, but he figures it’s a symptom that seems to swallo him. 

You wrap your arms around Spencer and lay your face in his chest.He wonders if you can hear how hard his heart is pounding but it doesn’t seem like you notice. You nuzzle into him, and it seems to be so subconscious for you. He wants to ask himself if this was friends did but he knew better - this was too complicated for such simple questions. He hugs you back, taking a breath and you pull away and look up at him. His eyes are a pretty green, spots of brown speckling them but they look hazel in the light. You’d see them sometimes when he woke up and they’d fall under the sunlight. You always liked them and maybe you look too long, so you pull away. Spencer wishes you didn’t but the moments gone before he can protest. 

The elevator dings. The doors both open as the two of you travel down together. Spencer wants to offer you some company but he can’t tell himself too when he knows his own intentions. 

____

Spencer was alone. It was the wordless night that seemed to eat at him, even though the clock had only barely scraped by to 11. Lately, Spencer doesn’t have trouble sleeping but it seems like that would change soon. Thoughts of you were cocoon his thoughts. He felt so stuck, because he wants to tell you how he feels - but the risk is too great. Too much of a burden to bear because he has no clue about how you feel. He assumes you don’t return those feelings but if you did -  he wasn’t sure if anything would change. That reality is far more crushing than not knowing at all. 

One thing Spencer did when he was thinking of you was read your letters to him. Those letters were more important for his sanity than he wanted to admit. You told him of everything, gave him daily reminders of why he needed to see the world again. Your return was more than waited on, but prayed for. A selfless act in self-preservation on your behalf, and a brave one on Spencers. 

The first letter dates a few weeks after Spencer was in rehab. You’re so different in writing, maybe more honest because you aren’t thinking so much. Spencer doesn’t know how to explain it but he likes the way you write. 

Dear Genius, 

Congrats on a whole 3 weeks!! I’m so proud of you, and I’m happy to hear you like group therapy. I loved your clown painting, by the way and I want it framed for my apartment ASAP - seriously I had no clue you were so good at art. I also want pictures of when you guys have group therapy with those service dogs because that is so cute!!! Excited for the next letter just for that. 

Updates on my life are pretty boring but you asked so I’ll deliver. My dad is doing okay right now. We’ve talked a lot and he’s sorta mulled over my chilhood and apologized about well… all of it. It was a bit much, to be honest but thats okay. I’ll get through it, especially when I have these letters to look forward too. I met someone sorta too, he’s from DC but he moved into my neighborhood. He’s nice, but who knows, you know? 

Also, you told me to keep sending you new music to listen too, but honestly I just wanna send you radio hits. You should listen to The-Weeknd, maybe Starboy? I mostly just wanna see how you feel about stuff people listen to on the car radio haha. I don’t know, but either way, hope you like the song. 

Anyways, I love you and I’m looking forward to our next correspondence. Good luck always, and keep yourself strong. 

Best Wishes,

Y/N 

Spencer smiles big. The kind of smile that reaches the lines in his eyes and makes his whole body relax. He replies with what you ask for, he remembers. He had a picture of him with an Australian Shepherd from therapy that you framed and put on your desk. He remembers how much you liked it, though he wasn’t sure why. He hadn’t sent you the clown painting yet because it seemed to slip his mind but he reminds himself to give it to you. He looks through more letters, reading the different one-sided exchanges. He reads your weekly updates about the community mural that you painted with all the kids while you were back home. He reads about the different volunteers, and how your childhood friend who you lost touch with had moved back and had a baby. Her name was Ellie, and you loved her. He comes across the letter where your dad passed away, only a month into your trip. 

Dear Spencer, 

Hey kid. I’m happy to hear about your progress!! I know it’s been tough because you’ve hit that middle slump but I know you. I know you’ll get through, it just takes time and you’re doing great keeping your head above water. I love you and I’m so proud of you, you’re gonna go far. 

I know I sound different here, it’s because my dad passed away last night. He passed quietly, stubborn bastard. I cried, more than I was expecting. He’s the last person of blood who would claim me as family and he just sorta disappeared. It’s just weird, how little i seem to feel. I was sad but it was weird, more emptying than anything but in a fucked up way I was relieved. I don’t know. I suppose it’s complicated

It made me think of you, in a weird way, I guess. You told me to send you music and I guess this is my indirect way of telling you stuff, but you should listen to 1000 times by Sarah Barielles. I don’t really know what to make of it but thanks for being a good friend and I’m grateful for what we have as friends always. You’re a good person, Spencer. 

Anyways, let me know if anything changes and good luck next week. I miss you, but I know we’ll see eachother again soon and things will be good. Keep sending me pictures of Dianes cat also because she’s so cute and I love her. Thanks for everything. 

Love always, 

Y/N 

 Spencer looks at the song you sent. He normally listens to every single one but that week he had already used up all of his computer time to read the articles from your local newspaper and he never got a chance too after that. He figures now was a good time, always having a piece of you when he got that music. Even if the song wasn’t his style, it made him think of you and for him that was most than enough. It was a blessing in a lot of ways to have a part of you that only he knew of. It was music anyone could listen to but the meaning was his alone. Spencer opens up his laptop and types in the song title. He presses play, awaiting whatever pop ballad you had waiting for him

Then the lyrics start to play and Spencer feels sick,” 

“Again again I let it go, let it go/ Cover my mouth don't let a single word slip/ Out wouldn't wanna tell you, no tell you, no/ Nothing could be worse than the risk of/ Losing what I don't have now,” 

Shit. 

Spencers heart drops to the bottom of his stomach. He feels like he’s going to die, and he doesn’t know how else to explain this feeling of detriment. You told Spencer you loved him a full month before he even realized how far deep he was and he just… didn’t acknowledge it. Spencer wanted to throw up, every visceral feeling of panic banging on the inside of his chest and threatens to crush his heart under the weight. Spencer could feel it in his throat, as he scrambles to find his phone your contact, dialing your number as he feels the drum of his heartbeat. His fingers shake as he hears you pick up on the other side.

“Hello?,” 

Your voice makes Spencer ache. Spencer breathes out, unable to speak for a few seconds. You look confused on the other side of the phone. 

“Spencer?,”

Your voice is all Spencer hears yet your words feel distant. His voice is abysmal and small when he speaks - the words trapped in the maze of thoughts, unable to be expressed correctly. Spencer coughs before he talks, trying to clear his airways even though nothing was really wrong. 

“Are you home and are you busy?,” Spencer asks, tears threatening to run down his face before his voice can give out 

“I’m home but I’m not busy, why? Is everything okay? ,” Panic is subtle in your voice, Spencer swallows thickly. 

“Yeah, yeah - I’m okay. Can I come over?,” Spencer asks, voice quiet. 

“Of course, Spencer. See you soon, and drive safe - the weather is still bad so you gotta be careful,” you say warmly. 

“Yeah, of course. See you soon,” Spencer replies. The line clicks and Spencer stares into his phone. He picks his care keys up and puts on a jacket, knowing he’d still get caught up in the rain. 

____

The rain is heavier than it was before. It was late, the clock reads 11:45  and Spencer can’t see much as water spills from the grey clouds that hung over his head. It was peaceful, almost. When you ignore the feeling of imminent panic and anxiety that washes over him, the rain is soothing to his ears as heavy as it. Spencer hands around the steering wheel are gripped tight enough to make the pads of his fingers white. His skin is hot, chest covered in a light sheen of sweat as he thinks of what's going to happen when he gets there - or moreso, if anything has happened. Spencer's thoughts are deafened by his own uncertainty - he owes it to you to tell you but if it’s too late for him he may never come back from that. He needed to tell you because you deserved to know but the thought of nothing happening hurts him. He’d rather you didn’t know but that’s not fair.

Spencer's thoughts of your ex-boyfriend pop up and he feels guilty. He’s tearing himself to pieces finding every reason in the world not to tell you, but he had to make the right choice because you were braver than he could ever be. He wants to show you he’s changed and that he won’t run from this. He refused to run from you. 

His hands shake when he knocks. His hair is wet and the water seems to soak through parts of his old jacket. He looked like a mess he was sure but it didn’t matter. Spencer was so anxious, he doesn’t remember the last time he ever felt this anxious. 

When you open the door with a smile - that’s when Spencer knows you were the love of his life. He just looked at you, looks at you with sunken eyes that flit over your face with a feeling you can’t explain. Spencer needed you, maybe more than you needed him. 

“Hey, Spencer,” You say warmly. Spencer walks inside and you close the door behind him. He looks at you for a second, taking his jacket off as he just looks to you in silence. He wants to spit the words out, he wants to say them so the two of you can get caught up together. Spencer wants to be yours, and for you to be his and then some. Spencer loves you. 

“What’s up?,” you ask quietly, seating yourself next to Spence whose found himself a spot on the couch. You grab his hands and play with his fingers for a few seconds, the touch is just so damn intimate. You loved Spencer, so much more than you could explain. You had that little anxious bubble in your chest about what could happen - that ‘maybe’ that brought you so many restless nights. You wondered if today was the day but before you go to dismiss the thought, you feel Spencers hands under your chin. He lifts your face up, eyes examining your face carefully. His scruff was nice, he looked different than before. 

Before you can ask, Spencer kisses you. It’s out of character, and in many ways out of place for him. He’s not the type to kiss anyone out of the blue but he doesn’t know else to break the tension with any language other than physical. It's the way his lips melt to yours, the way you kiss him back immediately, the way his lips have a way of holding yours. The way his hands hold your face up. It was everything that made you remember that Spencer was fucking kiss you. Kissing you like he was the reason he was breathing. Curled around your very existence, with his lips giving you their every secret. This kiss was an exchange in secrets, but more than an assurance. Spencer kisses you, and you kiss him back and the whole universe is still. 

When Spencer pulls away, you’re more than speechless. You look at Spencer, looking in his eyes for regret and you find none. Solace, maybe but no regret. You just look down, too scared to look at him again but he stops you, lifting your face up again. 

“Don’t hide from me please,” Spencer croaks “I need to look at you,” 

“Why?,” 

“To make sure you’re real,” Spencers confession makes your body heat up. 

“What’s gotten into you?,” you laugh nervously. You think Spencer will follow in suit, going back to being silly with you like normal but he doesn’t falter. He holds both of your hands and looks down, your eyes still fixated on him. Spencer sighs. 

“I read your letter, from when your dad died. I never had a chance to listen to that song, but I did. I normally did but that one somehow managed to miss me and..,” he trails off, like his thoughts are moving too fast for him to say what he wants to. You swallow thickly. So he knows, you figure. 

“It’s okay if you don’t, you know, return those feelings,” your voice chokes out. Spencer laughs. 

“You’d be a fool to think something like that,” Spencer says earnestly. You choke a little violently. 

“Oh?,” 

Spencer turns to look at you again. His eyes are full of something, and this time you know the feeling. You give it to him often, that look of adoration That “You’re so stupid, please marry me,” look you give to the person you want to love most in this life. 

“My whole life, I couldn’t afford to believe in anything related to destiny. I didn’t believe in miracles, or destiny, or a lot of other things for a long time. Sometimes I still don’t, like when cases go so bad that the whole team is left with that hollow feeling,” Spencer starts “I try my best to remember joy and happiness, and sometimes I do believe in miracles but it’s not everyday. Sometimes the pain was just too heavy,” 

“When I started taking dilaudid again, I was just trying to cope with the pain. My life can feel like a series of unfortunate events sometimes,” Spencer says softly. The grip he has on your hands tightens just a little bit. 

“I’ve been wanting to give you this confession for weeks, but like always you’ve proved to be more brave than I could ever be. Of course you figured it out first, who could be surprised but,” Spencer pauses for a second. 

“You’re the love of my life. Maybe it’s too much to say right now, maybe enough time hasn’t passed for me to decide that but if I said anything less I’d be lying to you, and I don’t want to lie to you ever again,” Spencers voice is barely above a whisper. 

“Y/N, you’re the only woman I could ever love this much. Those two months, those words that you gave me are what kept me sane. It was thoughts of your voice and your touch that kept me alive. It was your kindness that gave me strength, your love that gave me courage. It was you that reminded me of what it feels like to have hope, and perhaps even believe in miracles and destiny,” Spencers crying and so are you, but you still managed to hold eachother. 

“I’m wholly in love with you. I really don’t know how to say anything else. Please be mine because for now, loving you is all I really want to do,” Spencer says the last part with a small voice. The butterflies in your stomach make it hard for you to speak and you’re crying so much you have a headache. You want to kiss him, and say something back but for now you’re just crying a little bit. You’d clear all the grey clouds in the world to give Spencer some sunshine. 

“It’s always been you, dickhead,” you say through giggles. Spencer loves the sound of your laugh, if he could he would bottle up and keep it for himself to wear around his neck. Spencer wants to wear your name around your neck so the whole world knew he was yours and you were his. 

You can’t hold yourself back from moving into Spencer's lap, bare thighs over his legs as you lean into his neck. You adored Spencer and you knew that for so long, but you always figured he didn’t feel the same. That song was your confession, and when he didn’t listen you always figured he didn’t feel it. Miscommunication is a hell of a drug, you figure. You were here now, wrapped in Spencer and more than ready to give him all of you. You adored Spencer, the way his mind worked full of cogs and his heart was full of affection. It was everything Spencer did when he was getting better, giving you purpose. Spencer made you feel at ease, always. Even when bad things seemed to swallow you up, Spencer gave you ease. 

You look up at Spencer, there are small tears in your eyes when you do. You straddle his lap, and kiss him again. Holding your waist, Spencer smiles. He’s so grateful to be touching you like this. Spencer wants all of you to himself and he’d be damned if he was selfish for it. 

“Spencer,” your voice is small, but happy. Spencer hums, wrapped up in the way the two of you kiss for him to be upset. You look up at him, into him in the way only you can and speak again. 

“Make love to me,” your question is quiet. Spencer immediately became a little unsteady but he understood your request. That term “make love,” used to gross you out but you got it now. Sex and love are different - but sometimes you used sex to make love. To feel someone so close to you like that, you wanted to make love with Spencer. You wanted to have marks all over your skin so that the sight of him could be there forever, and for him to fuck you like you were the only thing he needed. Spencer wanted to make you feel wanted, and you wanted him to want you all the same. So, Spencer smiles, places a hand on boths sides of your face and kisses you slowly. Spencer loves you, adores you and wants to make you feel beautiful. 

“You wanna go to your room?,” Spencer asks. You nod, and Spencer lifts you up before carrying you. You’re wrapped around him, yelping at his surprising strength. 

Spencer lays you down, eyes glassy as he looks at your figure. He’s admiring you - he wants to make you feel pretty. You’re the prettiest woman in the world to him, and all he wants to do is make you feel it. He leans into you, his body pressed to yours as your legs are tangled. Spencer always cradles your face when he kisses you, as if he’s trying to hold you as close to him as possible. Spencer treats you like glass, his touch an ink stain leaving your body with permanent color as he kisses you. His tongue pushes past your lips softly, before pulling back. His fingers are so nimble, tugging with the sides of your shirt, staving himself off as he feels your bare thighs. 

His mouth moves to your neck, peppering kisses along the sides of the column of your throat. He grips your thighs, feeling your wrap your legs around his waist pulling him closer. Spencer tugs at the ends of your shirt, detaching from you so you can get it off. He chokes at the sight of you without your top on and you can’t help but hide your face. Spencer's face leans in, taking your nipple in his while he uses his free hand to gently brush against the other one. 

“You’re beautiful, you look so good like this,” Spencer comments. A soft whine escapes your lips at the combination of words and Spencers touch. He was sweet with every movement but damn he had way too many clothes on. 

“Spence, take it off,” you whine. Spencer gives you a small laugh, taking off his shirt before hovering over you again. His body was surprisingly toned from being out in the field and you definitely weren’t upset about seeing it. Your hands find their way around his waist, touching his skin in appreciation. He gives you a shy smile, before his head ducks down again, moving to kiss down past your breasts to your stomach and above your naval. His kisses are gentle, mouth careful in leaving them in as many places as possible. He stops when he ghosts his mouth over your panties, placing a kiss on your vulva - a wet spot formed on the light color. Spencer moves to kiss your thighs, getting close to your center and taking his time with it. Small hickies take place all along your skin, Spencer wanted to mark the word “mine,” into your skin with his mouth. He wanted you to think of him always, but especially when you were doing this. 

Your breaths are staggered and heavy, as Spencer rubs you down with his hands - palms massaging your legs as he touched you. For the first time in your life, when someone touched you could feel how much they meant it. Maybe it’s because Spencer manages to make things you’ve felt before feel different - he makes everything feel better. 

Spencer slides your panties down your legs carefully. His eyes are low when he sees your clit, sensitive and aching for his attention. He places a kiss on it first before he sticks his tongue out flat for you. Your fingers grip his hair immediately, legs wrapped around his shoulders where you could see him shift his weight to unzip his jeans and get himself off which only worked you up farther. Spencer eats you out like he’s been starved of you his whole life, head rhythmic as he brings you to your orgasm and slows down. He’s making an attempt to savor you but enjoys the sound of irritation you make every time he stops, something he’d explore farther at a later date. You’d gotten head before but it always came off as a favor and not like your partner wanted to do it for you. Spencer made sure you knew he wanted just as much as you did. 

You orgasm in Spencer mouth twice in borderline succession as Spencer refuses to pull away, smiling as he holds your hips down and makes your whole body shiver. You have to catch your breath when he finally spares you and gives you a toothy-boyish grin of satisfaction that you only ever saw when he beats you in a card game. You look down at him adoringly, wanting to cry at how lucky you felt. You pull him to kiss you and he looks at you for a second - a questioning one since he just had his tongue inside you. You roll your eyes in a “duh, that’s the point way,” and Spencer swallows thickly. 

“Do you want me to return the favor? Because I’m more than happy too,” you say reaching for his dick, which twitched at your touch. Spencer shakes his head. 

“Not right now, wanna focus on you tonight,” Spencer replies. You look at him with the most affectionate puppy dog eyes and Spencer bursts out into full giggles. God, he loved you. 

“Can I?,” Spencers question is tentative, and all you do in response is open your legs up wider for him and give him a nod. You mouth a “please,” to him and Spencer just smiles, kissing you softly. 

Spencer stretches you out so fucking good. He’s careful, whispering pretty nothings about how beautiful you are and how lucky he was. The words were only fuel to the fire as you tighten around Spencer and some choked sound leaves his throat. Out of curiosity, you do it again and Spencer moans aloud. You give him a raised eyebrow and his voice is suddenly low. 

“Do that again and I’ll cum,” Spencer warns. You giggled for a second before looking up at Spencer's face. 

“You can cum in me if you’d like to,” you say, voice innocent  “I’m on the pill,” Spencer wants to cum right then and there but he pauses to take a deep breath. 

“Think I’ll have to take you up on that,” Spencer groans. You use one hand to rub your clit as Spencer pulls his hips back and starts to fuck you. The motion is slow at first, not wanting to hurt you but your voice in his ear only urges you to go deeper. 

“I’m so lucky to have you like this love, you’re so pretty for me,” Spencer's praises are so sweet to you. Sugar to aching ears when he speaks lovely words for you. You whine. 

“Spencer please cum in me - god, please,” you egg Spencer on as you get yourself off one last time. Spencer presses his forehead to yours, pausing for a second to kiss you sweetly before pounding into you again. 

“Shit,” Spencer's voice feels like it gets stolen from him as he finishes inside, feeling your orgasm aftermath convulse around him pushes him off the edge as you look at him warmly, a soft blush flooding your expression. 

“I love you so much,” you giggle to him, wrapping your arms around his neck and allowing him to rest his body weight on you. Spencer wants to stay with you like this forever, wanting to wrap you up in his arms and hold you for eternity. He was hoping you’d let him. 

“I wanna stay like this, but let’s go get cleaned up first,” you say thoughtfully “I can wash your hair for you and we can shower together,” you say softly. Tears well up in Spencers eyes - remember the last time you did just that for him. He nods softly, burying his face in your neck, kissing new bruises that were soon to become dark purples. 

____

You come out of the shower first as you hear a knock on your door. It’s been a few minutes and the knocking has been incessant, you figure it’s a neighbor or maybe someone who needed help. You wrap your robe around yourself and towel around your hair before you open up the door. 

To your fucking dismay, it’s JJ, Emily, and Penelope - all stood outside with a bottle of wine as a greeting. Your eyes pop open immediately as you try to brush away the panic and give them all a fake smile. 

“Hey guys! What are you all doing here so late?,” you ask, internal panic threatening your life. They all give you a knowing look. 

“Well, we wanted to talk to you about something and we figure -,” Garcia starts but is interrupted by the sound of Spencer's voice, calling out to you as he walks out of the shower and in view of the open door. He can’t see them, but they can see him and he’s covered in hickies. You shut your eyes in disbelief as they all go dead silent. 

“Oh - oh my god is that Spencer?,” JJ asks shocked. You’re going to throw yourself in front of a bus. 

“Shit,” Spencer bolts into the other room leaving you to deal with the mess. You were so gonna get him for that later. You give them all an apologetic look. 

“We, uh - yeah,” you say a little distant. They all just giving you a knowing look, even Garcia even though that’s mixed with a bit of disgust. 

“We’ll see you on Monday, Y/N,” Emily says, being an angel and cutting the conversation short. You just nod as she drags a blabbering Garcia and deadsilent JJ away, reminding yourself to send her a thank you note later on. You walk into the room with Spencer and he gives you a guilty look, eyes apologetic as you roll your eyes, walking up to him to kiss him. 

“You’re so goddamn lucky I like you, dickhead,”

“You like me?,” Spencer asks, wrapping his arms around your waist before falling over to lay down with you. 

“Oh shut up, you know I do,” your tone is mean but your face gives you away. Spencer kisses you long and slow before looking at you again. The room is barred with loving silence, it feels every part of the air. It’s domestic, soft and adoring. A person whose love made you feel child-like joy but whose being brought your soul such comfort. You and Spencer lay in your bedroom like that for a while. 

“We should change right?” you ask laughing. Spencer nods. 

“I have clothes for you in my dresser,” you remind. Spencer nods as he stands up, slipping on some boxers and a shirt. You change into some old college pj’s and shorts and get laid up next to Spencer. 

There’s this silence that fills the room. It’s difficult to describe, the feeling of it is so new and hard to pinpoint exactly. You can feel it just barely on your skin, the way Spencer's arms hold your waist as the two of you lay next to each other, closing the gaps of space that fall between you - just itching for that familiar feeling of closeness. Spencer Reid was the closest thing to heaven you ever got - scruffy face and curious eyes. It’s hard to find truth in another person, yet stil Spencer shows up for you and kisses away all your nightmares. Loving him was so certain, but the fact that he loved you too felt unreal, still. Maybe it always would. It was a lot for you to take in but the feeling of him at your side, face on your chest sleepily messing with your hands. The way he looks up at you with such a pretty expression, mouthing the words I love you. It was the silence in the room and the cadence it managed - the soft and lulling adoration buzzing the nerves on your skin and kissing you awake. This was more than love, but faith. A regained faith in the notion that good things really can happen to good people. Spencer's love to you was a promise from the universe that good things are always around you even if you don’t see it at first. 

Spencer is so relaxed against you now, you read his body language and can feel his exhaustion. You were so attuned to him, fingers aching  to run through his hair and tell him how proud you were. Spencer made your heart light - his beaming smile turning you flush. Beautiful - him, this, the universe. Loving Spencer made the world feel so beautiful, even though both of you encountered such darkness in it. You were going to marry him someday, you were so sure of it. Someday you and Spencer would grow old and live with some livestock in a cottage somewhere far from here like he wanted. Or maybe a house in the suburbs with two babies you call your own - and a cat, and a dog too. Anything would work for you, but Spencer is probably a bit more picky. 

For you and Dr. Spencer Reid, love has always been a case study in body language. People lie, or hide the truth when they talk - so the two of you have never fallen in love with the words you may exchange. Instead you’ve fallen in love with the gentle touches, the longing glances and lingering hugs - or the feeling of their skin on yours when the night is too cold to be alone. It was the dilating pupils, and the feelings that universe seemed to fall away when the two of you shared looks to each other. You fell for Spencers subconscious before you ever fell for his mind or his body - the little things he did like raising his shoulders when he was happy, or fiddling with your hands when he was deep in thought, you fell in love with the things Spencer would never see for himself and he did the same for you. Spencer fell for the way you moved without thinking. For the person you were when all the curtains were closed. 

Love is anything but conscious. Love is deep-rooted in the sheer notion of that being alive is worth something, which is to say love is the basis of life. Not romantic love - but all love. Love is the basis of life. Spencer Reid loved you, sharing a piece of his life. In returns you gave him yours. An eye for an eye can give us sight we could never have before, if the exchange is born of adoration. 

There are still so many unresolved knots to tie, but for now it didn’t matter. Just like those first two months, Spencer is laying at your side and he smells like you. For now, he was here with you - as the two of you fell so deeply for each other as the seconds passed. There are so many questions to answer, but that’s okay for now. 

You two had all the time in the world to figure the rest out, and for him - thats more than enough. 

This silence was more than enough.

____

taglist:  @cynbx​ @zephyr-studiesjp​ @skrrrrrrrrrrt​ @reid-187​ @louistwinslover​ @pastanest​ @nomajdetective​ @iamburdened​ @secretlyablueunicorn

[mousehole5000]

 this is it... the final post.... 226 through THE END!!!!!

this shit with mu qing and the river of lava is SOOOO dramatic im loving it

oh my god theyre on a FUCKING bridge of course they are okay let’s go boys

“You’re right. We’re alike. You think me odd, I think you to be rather weird too.” - so what im getting from this is that xie lian and mu qing are the only characters in this book with working gaydar okay yup got it this checks out

god... the fact that xie lian is ready to be like “look mu qing we can just forget about the past it doesnt matter we dont have to be friends i know you dont like me but im not gonna let you die over it” and then mu qing is like “.... god i really do admire you huh”

“You...certainly...are rather amazing. You’re...also...a better person...than me. Long story short, I...very much wanted...to become your f-f-friend.”  - going to think about this for the rest of all time im about to become utterly unintelligible im overcome with emotions

“And, at the end of the white silk band, Feng Xin was gripping Ruoye with one hand while the other was holding on to a steel-faced Mu Qing, and he shouted towards him.” - the fucking IMAGE of this im gonna cry this is everything i could have asked for im so happy also mu qing dangling there like “ welp. guess ill live“

“Feng Xin was almost burnt by that pillar of fire, and he shouted in outrage. “WHAT’S WITH THIS BAND OF DOG SHITS, ATTACKING PEOPLE WHILE THEY’RE DOWN, SO VILE! FUCK YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY!” Xie Lian responded, “IF THEIR ENTIRE FAMILIES ALL LOOK LIKE THAT, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO FUCK THEM??” - theyre so funny!!! and theyre best friends!!! theyre joking together now in the middle of all this i could cry theyre back!!!

“Using sticks as arrows, he held the bow with one hand and used his teeth to bite back the bowstring.” - no clue how practical this is but okay archer boy. hot

i actually have so many little quips between the three of them highlighted but we’d be here all night if i included them all. im literally so delighted by this omg worth the wait

“Each sabre strike slashed to the bone. It wasn’t like Xie Lian had never seen Hua Cheng use the sabre before in the past, but his style had always been easy and leisurely, nonchalant and casual. Rather than say he was handling a weapon, it was more like he was toying with a small knife. Yet those blade marks were filled with killing intent. It was easy to imagine just how skilled the one exchanging blows with him was, and how perilous this battle.” you have no idea how mad i was when i read this and thought we missed witnessing the fight between hc and jw omg

“Behind him, Feng Xin muttered, “Dear fucking god, may all the gods and buddhas grant their blessings, that better absolutely be Crimson Rain Sought Flower, otherwise he’s gonna go mad!” “Stop your rubbish,” Mu Qing berated. “We’re all the gods and buddhas ourselves and we can’t grant shit, just keep up with him! Look at the stumbling way he’s running, he’s gonna trip and fall to his bloody death before he even sees the man!” - okay i know i said no more quips but this is literally too funny i just wanted to read it again

“ However, for whatever reason, that vicious ghost, in its muddled state, took that large group of live mortals under its wing and fled for many days. In the end, they were still surrounded by millions of ghosts, trapped in a dead end, and it was going to be eaten along with those humans.” [...] “That vicious ghost almost made a move against those humans, but for some reason, in the end, it didn’t. It instead used one of its own eyes as the price to forge a blood weapon. That vicious ghost was already forcibly hanging on with its last breath; after digging out its eye it should’ve broken apart completely. Yet somehow something had shocked it, and it instead woke to its senses completely. “ - THIS IS AMAZING ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? IS THIS ALL WE GET ABOUT HIS GHOSTLY LORE?????? HUA CHENGGGGGGGG

“What a terrible offence, his old habit had come out, and he quickly apologized. “I’m sorry! You don’t have to listen to me!” Hua Cheng, however, only smiled happily. “Everything gege tells me is the best advice, so why wouldn’t I listen?” - this isnt the fucking time afjdkfjsdkl they really never stop

“So you can hold the illusion of a perfect Crown Prince of Wuyong to face and dismiss the Jun Wu now. Isn’t that your objective? Did you think I don’t know what you’re thinking?” “THAT’S NOT IT!” Guoshi cried. “Stop getting tied up in right and wrong, victories and defeat, I’VE NEVER THOUGHT THAT WAY BEFORE!” - jun wu only being able to see xie lian as his successor and believing that thats all anyone else sees too... okay

honestly this whole final showdown was a blast i cant put everything in but it was so much fun to read. the DRAMA the LAVA the SHOUTING t

“Hua Cheng had poured too much spiritual power into him. There really was too much, so much that it was completely outside the amount the cursed shackle could withstand.” - okay.... okay... the love you give will set you free... okay....

“With Jun Wu in his grip, he carried both their bodies and forcefully slammed into the incomparably-solid rock wall! He used all of his power in this smash, and in the rumbling and crashing of rocks, he also heard the sound of something breaking.” [...] “A moment later, Jun Wu suddenly asked, “That move. What is it called?” “...” Xie Lian raised his sleeve and wiped away the blood on the side of his face. “Shattering boulders on the chest.” YES!!!!! YES!!!!! xie lian actually lived that life!!!!!! i loved this detail so much

“After a moment of silence, Xie Lian took off the bamboo hat carried on his back, took it in his hand, and covered it over Jun Wu’s face.” - xie lian... good... another detail i love. a hat that protects from the rain, given in a moment of need, even to someone who has caused you hardship... we do not forget the kindness granted to us

“There was gratefulness, there was shame, there was heartache, there was wild joy, but above all else, there was incurable love.” - :pleading: i wish it was just that easy tbh. “i have to tell you about the worst parts of myself” “ive already seen them and i dont care i still love you“ truly the dream

“ It’s been so long since anyone listened to me talk, won’t you stay? Don’t...actually do this. I won’t be able to take it. Twice, it’s been twice already! I really don’t want there to be a third time!!!” - the bit about just wanting someone to listen to him talk... xie lian... :(

emily corpse bride moment.... i knew it had to happen.... butterflies.... death and rebirth.... inevitable

xianle trio bickering about ruoye..... mu qing complaining but not letting anyone else fix it... im so happy

“The Rain Master sat down on the spot, looking like she was going to perform a passing service for her. After all, Xuan Ji was the only one left of the Kingdom of Yushi besides herself.”  - xuan ji you sure the hell were... a character. this little moment tho..... yushi huang... many thoughts

“ Who hasn’t made promises, or swore to the mountains and the seas when they were young? Talking of affection, of love, of forevers. But, the longer I hang around in the world, the more I understand, something like ‘forever’ is impossible. It’s never going to be possible. Having it once was already good enough. No one can truly achieve it. I don’t believe in it anymore.” - jian lan im happy for you bummer it didnt work out with feng xin but yeah that was looooong ago. also this quote me same mood kin but its chill. having it once was already good enough

although yeah tbh if theres anyone who can have a forever like that... it would be a ghost and a god

fasdfjadklfj GOD... pour one out for ling wen.. but is that not the truth of this world? the one can be pardoned for being good at paperwork that no one else wants to do? isnt that the plot of the shawshank redemption?

okay but the fact that all xie lian’s friends come to visit him while he waits for hua cheng is making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.... fengqing coming together to try to get him out of the house but get scared off by his cooking... amazing

“Last time, they spent eight hundred years running towards each other. This time, it only took an instant to fall into each other’s embrace.” - im completely unaffected by this. im not lying i swear (i am lying im very emotionally affected)

okay i love this final wrap up chapter party its so fun. mu qing moving on from the broom thing!!! good for him!! the beggars get their reward!!! the fun ghost city chefs!! SQX!!!! and he xuan is?? here too??? he’s hungry??? fjadlkfjsdl

“The grounds that Feng Xin and Mu Qing had just swept were once again filthy from that giant crowd of muddy feet. Mu Qing gripped his broom, looking like he felt someone had infected him with fleas, and his eyes were wide.” - me when my dad comes into the kitchen when ive just finished washing dishes i get it king

the little folklore bit... fun!!! oh my god its over..... :(

that was really fun i had a blast reading it and on the whole really liked it i WISH soo badly that hua cheng had gotten more outside of being cunty and devoted even tho those are both important i just wish there was more about like how he got by during those 800 years and like did he ever have doubts? what shaped his worldview was it all xie lian or was it his experience as a mortal as well? why is he so mean to e’ming? theres bits and pieces here and there and i know it was already SO long but that really would have been great if there was more about hc cuz tbh by the end, at least for me, the hualian relationship didnt actually feel as fleshed out as the xianle trio relationship like i still liked hualian’s dynamic and it was really sweet how much they clearly really liked each other and  everything but i kind of wish some of the other subplots had been dropped or diminished in favor of more hc development i think that would have been cool

but anyway thats some of my thoughts and i really did enjoy the hell out of book 5 that was a riot and uhhh thanks to everyone who read these or commented *lends you spiritual energy through a high five*

[mellifluousoctopus]

Rewatching all the Halloween towns reactions

Halloween Town

strange man comes up to you and gives you candy? from his ear? and you you trust him completely? and actually want the candy? huh?

why does this movie feel so disconjointed? but make sense?

Zombie elvis?

how did this mans know marnie’s name?

we’ll fly it out then flys it in a circle

if halloweentown is a town why is it local government building called cityhall

how come dylan never showed signs like marnie and sophie of magic

does sexism exist in halloween town? I mean it was ruled by a matriarchal family of witches for a very long while

yEaH BAbY

yes let me just  sit alone in a sweatbox while children just walk around me and i will not say anything

the betrayal on this mans face as he gets punked

why do villans openly believe themselves evil I dont get it especialyy when they think they are doing right?

Halloween Town II: Kalabar’s Revenge

*bouncey music as i describe actual life or death situations*

i cant tell if the costumes got better or worse

look at that dinosaur of a computer and chatroom

*angrily chops lemons* 

cindy is a mood

marnie’s relationship with her mom is a mood

*flirts with showing a guy my grandmother’s room*

why did they link the town with a giant decoration thats in the center of town? who thought this was a good idea

a spell that turns you to a normie is kinda scary

why is he so monotone?

was merlin a cromwell

dylan doesnt know what a amphibian is? out of character

elevator music fitting yet jarring

i wonderif there are any matching socks just by sheer probability

hackers? offline? update? whats with the intentional computer references

WHAT ARE you doing in my swamp

baby cockroach

its a plot block but what about aggies friend (glorck?) sats he’d sell his junk

cindy is no longer a mood

marnie darling he clearly is in emotional distress whyare you playing around

instead of playing cool gwen decides to openly shout at her daugther to not do magic

oh god its a family of science nerds

the magic of french

why are they counting down til midnight for halloween

“you can do it”, yeah thats well established why was she doubting herself at all

maybe you could use another spell to hellp your mother idk two witches and a warlock seems like you could brain storm a bit

IM reALLY THiRSTY

are warlocks/witches/sorcerers/etc considered human they are the most human looking

what! are! the! rules! of! magic! 

why is kal just chillin that spell didn’t turn ALL humans

lemme just glow real quick

...why did they explain it this way.

why did dylan decide to use magic during his 13th birthday if he didnt want magic 

nice credits song

Halloweentown High

Knights??? Aggie made it sound like they chose to do it out of choice why didn’t Marnie know about them, why wasn't Aggie 

what is the counsel?

are they a clan or a coven?

why does everybody have the hots for the mom?

Marnie is at level one but has bent space and time before??

Aggie is Ms. Frizzle

I forgot that Ryan from HSM was in the Movie omg als o is that Chelsea?

what happened to the cloth bag

CANADA

2! red berets!!

Small school but its larger than my large school

Is chemistry different for witches??

SCIENCE 101

imagine having your first day of school having a strange teavher who makes a parrot and then gets chided by a student as if the student is in charge

I think marnie actually just wants to experience life in Halloweentown seeign as she has no plans to introduce humans to halloweentown

where are the Head phones

marnie you narcissist

I remember this scene! (marnie hitting the bag)

Aggie x DiVinci is my new otp

oh? what is the legality of catching a ball with your mouth

considering women couldnt be actors and plays were signs of indecency Aggie was an absolute legend. 

(trans aggie???? :))

Aggie x Divinci x Shakespeare

yells secret stuff out in a busy mall

whys this dude where chainmail at the mall if this was 2020 id see it but...

matching black and white stripes

so im confusion about what constitutes as human

Marnie’s room in a whole different section of the house than the last movie

does ever school have the same hallway tile

hes ugly in two worlds lol mood

a witches training ends at 13 so really why is cassie going to marnie she knows so much more than marnie

there is no way this gym is that quiet

WHAT CONSTITUTES AS HUMAN

this is legit trying to be Sabrina the Teenage Witch which is weird because they were own by the same company at the time

And the twist is...unsurprising

the mirror has a popsocket

how? did? a? child? lose? an? ear? in? Gym? 

i dont understand why people hated the walk through if people watch those walk through doll villages during Christmas and like then theyll like the Halloween version

theres just a spell to take magic? and he can just take it without any witnesses?

He steals aggie’s and marnie’s but not sophie’s, Dylan’s or mom’s thats not very smart

fucking food boy has magic, not cromwell magic but hes got it and has been done with his trainng for at least 3 years why doesnt he use it

how can you use a spell with no magic