#and that's so important to me. that he's a good man. needs a little guidance. needs a little forgiveness. but he's good

[aplaceforstellasscribbles]

Y'know, the plot of WATW relies heavily- you could say is constructed entirely- on the idea that everyone wants to see themself as a good person. No one is the villain of their own story.

Which can be super interesting when writing an unambiguously "evil" character, seeing how they justify and twist things around to frame their actions as morally correct.

It's also interesting when writing a character that isn't unambiguously "evil" or "good." When this person isn't deceiving themself into thinking their actions are good, when they're doing what they were taught is right, when they feel good about what they're doing- they think they're a good person because of course they are, look at all the good things they're doing, look at how kind and generous and thoughtful they are!

And then, maybe, you show them that their actions weren't as universally good as they thought they were, you show them that they hurt people.

What do they do then? How do they move forward from there?

[woso-dreamzzz]

Tattoos III

Mapi Leon x Ingrid Engen x Child!Reader

Summary: He's teeny tiny like you

Sometimes, when Mumma is busy, Mami takes you out.

Last time, she took you to the park and you sat under a tree and she taught you how to sketch a leaf. It's important work and Mami is very good at drawing and you want to be good at drawing like her too.

Today though, after your drawing session in the park, Mami wants to get Bagheera a new toy so you head to the pet store to pick one out.

Mami lets you look at all the pets while she chooses a toy. You like doing that, standing on your very tippy toes to look at all the animals.

One in particular catches your eye.

It's on one of the lower shelves so you don't have to stretch too far.

It's a little thing. Teeny, tiny like you are.

It's got little legs and little toes and a little wet nose pressed up against the bars of his cage.

You stare at him, eyes wide in awe as he makes a little snuffling noise in greeting.

"Hi," You whisper," 'm Teeny."

He doesn't say anything back because he's an animal and animals can't talk but he does look you right in the eyes.

You back away from him slowly, not turning away until you bump into Mami. You tug on her hand and, automatically, she's passing over your pens and sketchpad.

You return to the little animal, sitting down in front of his cage.

You choose yellow because yellow is a happy colour and he makes you happy.

You scrawl a big yellow blob on your page.

He's got a very dark face and dark prickly things coming out of his body so you were make sure to draw those too.

You clumsily turn your page around to show the little creature.

"Tha's you," You say," Yellow 'cause you make me happy an' dark 'cause you've got dark on you."

He snuffles more at you and you giggle.

His little feet are very cute just like his little beady eyes and he doesn't move around at all. He stays where he is and just watches you.

"You ready to go, teeny?" Mami asks. She's got more than one cat toy under her arm even though she said you were getting only one for Bagheera.

You begrudgingly get up and shuffle closer to the little animal.

"Bye-Bye," You say.

When you turn back around to face Mami, she's frowning. She comes closer too, crouching so she can be at eye level with the little animal.

"That's a hedgehog," Mami says to you," Can you say that, teeny?"

"Hedge-hog," You sound out," Drew a picture." You show Mami your drawing. "Yellow 'cause he makes me happy."

"Oh, yeah?" Mami laughs," Why does he make you happy?"

"Teeny tiny like me!"

"Very teeny tiny!"

As you chatter on about how much you like him, Mami gets one of her weird thinking faces before she's hurrying you to the register and back to the car.

She puts Bagheera's new toys in the front and you wait for her to open your door to put you in your seat but she never does. She just swings you up onto her hip so she can move faster.

You go back to the pet store for some reason and Mami lets you scamper off to go see the teeny tiny hedgehog again while she talks to the man at the register.

There's a few more trips to the car where Mami carries some very big and heavy things. There's a very big cage that confuses you because Bagheera doesn't need a cage. You don't tell that to Mami though because she's Bagheera's Mami too and she knows what's best.

The car gets very full very quickly and Mami makes one last return to the pet store with you.

The man from the register has a little cardboard carry box waiting for you both. He smiles at you and pulls up two little bags.

"Do you want to choose one?" He asks and you look at Mami for guidance.

She nods and you hesitantly point to the sage green bag that has little hedgehogs sleeping so you can remind yourself of the teeny tiny hedgehog you met today.

"Thank you," Mami says as she picks up the little cardboard carry box.

She puts it in the front seat with her, buckling it in like it's a person before smiling at you.

"Ready to go home?"

"Gonna show Mumma my drawin'!"

It doesn't take long to get home. Mumma's typing away on her computer but she stops when she sees you, easily swinging you up into her lap as you babble about your drawing.

Mami comes and goes from the car, bringing everything she bought up and that catches Mumma's eye.

"Mapi," She says," What are you doing?"

"Er...Stuff."

"What stuff?"

"Ingrid," Mami says," Don't be mad."

Mumma stands, adjusting you so you're on her hip. "Mapi," She says," What. Have. You. Done."

"I'm teaching her responsibility!" Mami says," You'll see!"

"That doesn't answer my question."

Very gently, Mami sets the cardboard carrier on the kitchen table and opens it.

You gasp.

"Hedgehog!"

"Mapi!"

"She loves him!" Mami says," You didn't see them Ingrid! She loves him so much."

"Hello," You whisper so you don't scare him.

Mumma always tells you that you have to treat little animals carefully in case they get scared. You must always use gentle hands and a soft voice.

"Mapi are you crazy?! A hedgehog?! She's only little! Do you know how much effort this is going to be?"

"Ingrid, look at her!"

Somehow, with no one noticing, you're cradling the little hedgehog in your hands. He hasn't curled up like Ingrid thought he would. He's completely happy sitting in your tiny little palms as he sniffs at your skin.

She sighs. "You're responsible for him, Mapi. I mean it. You want to teach her responsibility then teach her. Food. Baths. Cleaning his cage. I mean it. You're in charge of him and you get Teeny to help you."

"I will!" Mapi insists," I promise! Don't take him away from her!"

"I have a heart, Mapi," Ingrid scoffs with an eye roll," He's perfect for her."

"Thank you!"

Mumma gently runs a hand through your hair. "Have you thought of a name, teeny? You're his mama now. You've got to choose a name."

"Er..."

He's teeny tiny like you but he can't be called Teeny because that's your name. It might get confusing. You think of someone else who is teeny, tiny.

"Pina!"

Mumma laughs. "He's a boy, teeny."

"Mr Pina!"

"I think," Mumma says," That's the perfect name."

[temporarywelcome]

Please? - Peter Maximoff

Word Count: 3.5k

REQUESTED!

The Ask: I humbly ask for a Peter Maximoff smut, I'm thinking y/n either a: distracts him while he is playing his arcade games, b: using whipped cream to give him a lil sweet treat while fucking, or c: literally any smut of this man, I need him. Preferably him being a little cocky/silly, but when you actually do anything he is a whimpering mess praising you. - @envy-of-greed

I give you... Option A.

WARNINGS: SMUT! oral (m recieve), handjob, mommy kink, praise, reader is a tease, reader is MEAN, sub!peter, dom!reader, Peter becomes a MESS, reader calls him "pup" and "puppy" like once, aftercare, alluding to punishment

A/N: gonna work on a Spencer Reid fluff/comedic fic next

_____

Peter was annoying as hell.

She loved him to bits, she would do absolutely anything for him, but she was allowed to admit her boyfriend was a complete terror?

Y/N was peacefully sitting in her room when her telephone had rang. Placing down her magazine, she reached for it, bringing it to her ear, “Hello?”

“Babeeee,”

What a surprise this was. Peter Maximoff, who usually would just show up unannounced with his super speed, decided to give her a phone call?

“Peter? What’s the occasion?” she asked with a smile, leaning back against her pillows, twirling the telephone’s wire in her newly manicured fingers. 

“Eh, I just remember you saying you like phone calls, the bonding or whatever. So i wanted to give you one.”

That made her heart melt. This little terror was sometimes a complete angel as well. “Yeah…” Y/N replied, “I love phone calls. Your voice sounds so nice on the phone, by the way,”

She could already picture him blushing. “I-It does? I mean, of course, yeah it does! I’m Peter freaking Maximoff, babe. Everything about me is top-tier,”

“You could work on your baking skills,” she mused, remembering literally every single time she would attempt to bake something with him. Flour everywhere. Remnants of cake or brownie batter on his face because he just had to eat some (a lot). Firealarm going off. Burnt baked goods. Every. Single. Time.

“Bitch! Every baking failure is your fault for always distracting me!” he whined in protest.

“How the hell do I distract you? I’m baking too!” 

“ ‘Cause you’re pretty,” Peter replied cheekily, and she knew he would have wiggled his eyebrows if she could see him, “How am I supposed to focus?”

“Stop making excuses for your terrible baking skills. Even if I wasn’t there, you would be a mess,”

“For different reasons,” Peter scoffed, “I can’t bake by myself, I need your guidance,”

“But you can’t bake with me either because you allegedly get distracted. Sounds like you just can’t bake,”

“Fuck off,” he grumbled, making her laugh, “Let’s get to more important business: when can I pick you up?”

“I wasn’t aware of being picked up at all,”

“Yeah well I’m picking you up. I wanna spend some time with you!” she could hear his excited tone that was so uniquely Peter. Everything about him was unique. Everything about him was different and weird and strange and she loved every part of him. 

“Well…” Y/N sighed, “I was going to start on some homework…”

“Boooo! College student booooo!”

“Shit, excuse me for wanting an education. Better than planning on living in my mom’s basement for the rest of my life,” she teased.

“Ouch. Fine. Can’t you do your homework later?”

“I’ve been procrastinating on it,” Y/N set down her magazine, getting off of the bed and walking to her desk, stretching her body as far as she could with the limits of the phone cord. Fingertips brushing against her notebook, she was able to grab it, nestling back into her bed and opening it, “Shit, it’s a lot.”

“Who cares? Finish it tomorrow!”

“It’s due in the morning.”

She could already tell he was pouting, she knew him so well. “Can’t you do it at my place?”

“You mean your mom’s place?” Y/N decided to keep teasing him. Peter was pretty much a loser, not really having any plans in life other than to lounge in his mom’s basement playing video games and eating twinkies for eternity. He thought he was a loser, Y/N’s parents thought he was a loser (which is why they don’t like him much), even Y/N thought he was a loser when they had first met. 

Yet here she was, smiling like an idiot while babbling on the telephone with said loser. Said loser who always gives her (stolen) gifts. Said loser who comes over at random points in the day just to say he loves her (superspeed is pretty handy). Said loser who named his Dungeons and Dragons character after her (however, he was such a loser, he didn’t have many people to play it with). Said loser who would scoff and pout whenever she would tease him about being her future house husband (well, what else would he be, if he just plays video games and dotes on her all day?) Her favorite loser. 

“Yes,” Peter deadpanned, “My mom’s place. Now may I come over so I can escort you to my mom’s place?”

She pretended to think about it, hearing his soft breathing on the other line as he waited for her to answer, “Fine. No distractions though!” 

“Yes, ma’am,”

Y/N opened her mouth to say something else, jumping when she heard a harsh knock on her window. Whipping her head towards the source of the noise, she rolled her eyes with a laugh. Peter, waving at her with his usual happy dorky expression. Placing the phone back down onto its receiver, Y/N rushed towards the window, opening it. “Babe!”

“Missed me?” he asked with a smirk, zipping into her room and right past her, making her roll her eyes again. He picked up her notebook, examining the pages, “Ew ew ew. What the hell are you studying again?”

“Psychology,” Y/N sat on the bed, slipping her sneakers on and tying them. 

“Boring,” he sped off in a blur to her desk, grabbing a pencil, and rushing back to her notebook. 

She didn’t even notice, focused on her sneakers, but when she raised her head and saw him drawing on her notebook, her facial expression soured, “Pietro Maximoff!” she snatched the notebook back, flicking his forehead. 

“Hey!” he gasped dramatically, “Ain’t no way you used my real name.”

“You misbehave to the point I have to like a mom,” Y/n replied dryly, going off to her closet to grab her bag. Brows furrowing, she dug around a bit, “Shit… Dunno where my bag went-”

“Ahem,”

Y/N didn’t even have to turn to know what that meant. But she did, and, not to her surprise, Peter was holding her bag with a smirk on his face. 

“Asshole,” she grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. She knew him well. If she attempted to grab the bag, he would just zoom off somewhere else to tease her. 

“Aren’t you going to get it?” he asked with faux innocence, holding it out to her. 

“Fuck that, I know what you’re planning,” Y/N shook her head, raising her brow at him expectantly, “Drop the bag,”

“Um, am I a dog?” He placed a hand to his chest, jaw dropping like the drama king he was. He should have been in theatre when he was in school. 

“Do I have to treat you like one?” Y/N threatened boldly, “Come on, pup, drop the bag,”

Peter’s eyes widened and he dropped the bag, “You did not just say that,” 

“Well, it worked,” Y/N smirked, grabbing her bag and planting a kiss on his cheek, “Good boy,” She began throwing her supplies for her homework into her bag, unaware of the growing dent in his pants. 

“Bitch,” he mumbled to himself, too quiet for her to hear. 

“Alright, I’m ready to go,” she announced, slinging her bag over her shoulder. He just stood there, eyes glazed over. “Earth to Peter?” she snapped her fingers in his face twice before he blinked, coming back down to society. 

“Okayletsgetoutofhere,” he word vomited, grabbing her waist (with one hand on her neck, of course! Gotta prevent that whiplash!), and within seconds, they were in his room (the basement). 

“Shit, am I ever gonna get used to that?” Y/N laughed, flopping onto his unmade bed in dizziness. Before she could react, Peter dived in on top of her, making her let out a pained, “Oof!” and a “Peter!”

A childish giggle left him, arms going around her waist as he nuzzled into her neck, “Hm?”

“Can’t breathe,”

“Are you calling me fat?”

“I apologize, my dainty little princess,” she deadpanned, arms going around him too. Yes, he was crushing her, but she honestly didn’t care, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. She then felt something on her thigh. Felt like something was poking-

Oh.

Oh.

She smirked, but didn’t say anything about what she just realized, casually stroking his hair, “My pretty puppy,”

He gasped, immediately dashing off. Poor thing was flustered, playing one of his (stolen) arcade games, back turned to her. 

“What’s wrong?” Y/N immediately got to teasing him, “I thought we were cuddling?”

“Wanna game,” he replied simply, and his ears went red. Cutie pie. 

“You wanna game? But I thought you wanted to spend time with me?” she laughed.

“You said you wanted to do your homework,” 

“True true…” she opened up her notebook, glancing at his squirming figure, “You dancin’, love?”

“No, I’m not dancing,” was all he said. There were plenty of times he didn’t catch onto her teasing, which was always adorable. This seemed to be one of them.

“Then why are you moving like that?” 

“Like what?” Now he was playing dumb. He groaned as he died in the game, restarting it.

She slid off of the bed, walking to him and wrapping her arms around his waist from behind. Resting her chin on his shoulder, she said, “You’re acting funny, darling,” she pressed a kiss to the side of his neck, feeling him tense under her touch.

“N-No, I’m not,”

“Oh, really?” One hand reached out, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear before planting a kiss there, “You’ve been acting funny ever since I called you a good boy,” His breath hitched, making her smirk, “I didn’t know calling you that would have such an effect on you, baby. Maybe it’s because you’re so bratty, you don’t hear that often, huh?”

“Stoooop,” he whined, losing in his game again, “You made me lose,” Peter pouted. 

“Hm,” she let her hands drop lower, fiddling with the button of his pants absentmindedly, “You must be slacking, Peter! You should be able to game under any condition, right?”

“But-”

“Nuhuh,” she pressed a finger to his plush lips, “No ‘but’s from you. We gotta practice your concentration skills, my love. They’re lacking,” she unbuttoned his jeans, making him gasp. His hands were gripping the game’s controls tightly, however they were unmoving as she palmed him through his boxers. “Hey,” she roughly squeezed his length, making him squeak cutely. “Did I say you could stop? C’mon, time to practice.” 

“S-Sorry, Y/N,” he stuttered out, hitting restart again. She squeezed his cock through his boxers again, earning a whine from him. 

“Now what do you call me when I play with you?” Y/N asked tauntingly, running a single finger over his clothed length. Up and down. Up and down. Up and-

“Mommy,” he bit his bottom lip to keep himself from moaning. 

“That’s right, darling, I’m Mommy,” She stepped away, confusing him, until she got down on the floor, crawling right between him and the game. “Mommy’s going to take care of your pretty cock now, okay?” Her hands trailed towards the belt loops of his jeans as she spoke, “You are not allowed to stop playing your game. Each in-game death is two spanks. You’re not allowed to cum till you clear three levels, understood?”

Peter’s cheeks flared up and he nodded excitedly, “Yes, Mommy,” 

“Good boy,” she purred, pulling down his pants and letting them pool at his ankles. Fingers dipping into the waistband of his boxers, she cooed, already noticing a small wet patch, “So excited, huh?” she pulled down his boxers, letting them join his pants on the floor. Y/N stuck out her index finger, letting it run along his cock like before. Up and down. Up and down. Up and-

“-Mommy,” Peter whined, “Stop teasing me, please,”

“Oh? The bratty boy is using his manners?” she cooed, wrapping her fingers around his thick length and slooooowly stroking him, “Remember the rules and everything will feel amazing, yeah?”

He nodded, sucking in a breath, “Y-Yeah,” Peter tried to focus on his game, he really did, trying his best to get his character past the villainous NPCs. But as soon as Y/N began to stroke faster, he whimpered, his character being slain. 

“Oh?” Y/N smirked, pausing her movements and making him whine more, “Already lost? That’s two spanks, darling,”

“Sorry, Mommy…” He mumbled in embarrassment, restarting the game, “I won't do it again- fuck,” She started stroking him again, the delicious feeling going straight to his pretty little head. Any sort of sexual intimacy would immediately make his brain short-circuit, causing him to be complete putty in her hands.

“I know you won’t do it again, Peter, because you’re a good boy, right?” Y/N’s lips curled into a little smile, leaning forward to press a kiss to his tip, continuing to stroke him. “You’re my good boy?”

“Mhm,” he nodded, bottom lip between his teeth as he attempted his game again, his avatar jumping through obstacles and avoiding approaching enemies, “I’m y-your good boy- ughhh,” she wrapped her pretty lips around his tip, teasingly sucking on it. He bit his bottom lip again, hard enough to draw blood. 

Peter couldn’t help it, he took a glance down at Y/N, mouth going dry seeing her sucking on his tip, stroking him in a steady rhythm with her own eyes looking dead at his. His eyes widened seeing her take him deeper into her mouth, eyes not leaving his for even a second.

Game over.

He looked up at the screen of his game, realizing his character died again. Fuck. 

Y/N pulled her mouth off of his dick with a pop, making him whimper, “Two more spanks, darling. That’s four now.”

This was going to suck. This was going to suck in the best way possible. 

“Didn’t you say you were going to be a good boy?” Y/N asked, pouting exageratively, “I remember you saying you were going to be a good boy,”

“I am your good boy!” Peter huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Y/N laughed, pressing a kiss to his thigh, “You’re so cute, baby. Now, c’mon, start the game again. You’ll never get to cum at this rate.”

Poor thing panics, starting the game up again. He began spamming the buttons desperately, wanting to clear those three levels so Y/N would allow him to cum. Overstimulation was hot as hell, but edging was terrible (which is why that was her usual punishment for him).  

Her lips were on him again, sucking hard, and poor guy was seeing fucking stars trying to focus on this damn fucking game. He was a good gamer, these levels should be easy to clear, but when Mommy is sucking his cock how is he able to focus on such a thing? He would rather abandon the game and fuck her like a bitch in heat, which is certainly what he felt like at that moment. 

It was torture. Spamming buttons desperately, not beating the level, the threat of edging and spanking in the air. He was going crazy.

“Thats ten spanks now, baby,” Y/N said after another failed level, “I thought you were good at games,”

“I-I am!” He exclaimed, “It's hard to fucking focus when you're sucking the soul out of me!” A pout formed on his pretty lips, brows furrowed as he attempted to play the level again. 

“Watch your tone, Peter,” Y/N glared at him, making him feel emotional. Whenever he was in a vulnerable place like this, it's embarrassingly easy for him to burst into tears. Especially because during any form of intimacy he was baby or darling or something cute, never Peter. Why would she call him by his name? Was he being bad?

“Sorry, Mama,” he mumbled.

Y/N couldn't help but smile softly, being reminded once again how much she adored him. Her pretty boy. Her favorite loser. Being called her titles by him always made her weak at the knees. “I know, baby,” she was a soft domme at heart, she can't be mad at him. Ever. He was her baby and he deserved the whole world. “Let's try this again, okay?”

She waited for him to nod before taking him into her mouth again. His pretty tip was red and hot in her mouth, dribbling pre-cum on her tongue as she swirled the muscle along. 

He finally beat the first level, moving on to the next excitedly. He was getting somewhere now! Soon he'll be allowed to cum and maybe Y/N will let him inside…

Yes, he really wanted to be inside her. 

Y/N began taking him deeper into her mouth, and fuck he felt his tip nudge the back of her throat so perfectly he wanted to cum. So bad. But he won't because he's a good boy and he's not going to cum until he's allowed to. 

That was the plan, at least.

But his name was Quicksilver for a reason and he could feel himself getting closer and closer to the edge. His left hand was gripping the joystick painfully hard, knuckles white as he moved it around in an attempt to get his character across the map to the next level. 

He finally made it to the third level, sighing in relief. He was getting somewhere. Almost to the end. She was bobbing her head up and down, one hand gently rubbing his tender balls, bringing him closer and closer to release. 

“AhI’msoclosethatfeelssogoodthankyouthankyouI’msoclose” he babbled out, speaking practically a mile a minute. A wide grin appeared on his face once he cleared the third level, “IdiditcanIcomenowpleasecanIcumnow-”

She pulled off of his dick again, making him groan in both desperation and annoyance, “You cleared the level? Good job, sweetie. I guess I can let you cum now…” They both stared at each other, Peter panting and his chest rising with each labored breath, Y/N batting her eyelashes at him meanly, continuing to tease him. He was ready to just start fucking her face and go wild, but he told himself he was going to behave.

So he’s going to behave. 

Ugh, but why does she have to make it so hard? 

“Can you keep going?” he finally asked.

“Should I, though?”

“You… You promised!” he gasped, eyes widening in panic.

“Hmmm, I don’t remember promising anything,” she replied, trailing her finger along his shaft like she always did when she wanted to fucking tease him. Up and down up and down up and down-

“Please?” Was she really going to make him beg? She knew he hated begging, which is probably why she enjoyed making him do that so much. 

All she did was hum, continuing with that aggravating motion of her finger, fucking asshole. 

“Please, Mommy?” he grumbled, hands balling into fists at his sides to keep him from going crazy. Think with your head and not your dick, Peter.

Y/N gave him another mean smirk, “That’s my boy…” she went straight back to sucking him off, and he was back to being a fucking mess. 

“ThatfeelssogoodyoualwaysdosogoodfuckI’mgoingtocumcanIcumpleasepleaseplease-”

She nodded, not stopping her sucking motion for even a second. However, his eyes were screwed shut so he didn’t even notice, continuing to beg to cum till she released his dick from her mouth and said, “You can cum, baby,” with a little laugh before going right back to work. 

And within two seconds of being back inside her mouth, he was cumming hard, hands going to her hair for something to keep him grounded. When she pulled away from his cock once again, she swallowed without a second thought, rubbing his thigh soothingly, “You still there, baby?”

“Mhm,” Peter was a known chatterbox, everybody knew this. But every time after cumming, his desire to speak would vanish, the need to just be held and taken care of overpowering all else. 

So Y/N stood up, taking his hand, “Let’s lay down, yeah?” She knew Peter could not last long, however, he could bounce back extremely fast. Just some cuddles will do, and he’ll be back to either a) yapping her ear off, or b) being hard as a rock. Or both. Who knows? 

She laid down on his (unmade) bed, pulling him down beside her, “You need anything, baby?” He simply shrugged, arms going around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder, “Water?” He shook his head. “Snack?” Fast nod. Of course. “Alright,” she went to sit up, but he immediately tightened his grip on her. “Didn’t you want a snack?” she laughed.

He thought for a moment before hesitantly releasing her from his hold, allowing her to get up and go to his practical tower of Hostess treats, grabbing a box of Twinkies. His favorite. Sitting back down, she opened up the box, unwrapping a cakey treat while he leaned against her again. 

“Here you go,” she said softly, letting Peter pluck the dessert from her hand and eat it. It was silent as he ate, her hand going to his hair to gently stroke the silver strands. 

“Thank you,” he mumbled after he finished, looking up at her with a cute smile, “You always know just what I need,” he nuzzled his nose into her neck, inhaling her scent. “Love you,”

“Love you too, baby,” she kissed his head, sighing peacefully, “So… about that punishment…”

[stars-in-a-jam-jar]

The way VR-LA becomes a Cleric is so hilarious when zoomed out at the right angle. Mans literally said 'consider it a prayer' and ACTED SURPRISED when Mystra gave him a littol pat on the head and began treating him like her special littol pet cleric boy. Like VR-LA you HAVE to know Mystra's modern worship primarily consists of 'Dear Mystra: I would appreciate if you did not let my spell fuck up, please and thank you.' and 'Dear Mystra: I am in need of some divine inspiration for this spell, if that is okay.' Then you turned around and just HANDED HER THE COMPASS ON THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE and said 'You. I want You to help me. Consider this a uniquely religious act of outreach. Also I Do Not Trust You.'

Interplanar goddess sees some robot peering through The Weave, a thing no one else to her memory has done because How And Why The Fuck Would You Do That??? Decides to appear before him to get a good look at this guy and says One Word to him, then a week later he cosmically pages her personal phone number saying 'Okay don't freak out but I found your number because I need your help with something Incredibly Personal To Me. If you'd please. Also I've functionally already contractually obligated you to do this.'

Girl raises an eyebrow, thinks 'Oh, this little dude's exactly the right flavor of fucked up', and proceeds to hold his littol hand through the big scary mission he asked her to hold his hand for and trusting him to be a good boy who makes good decisions. He would say he asked for her help and guidance, a completely different thing from holding hands. He has not let go. He has actively gotten More Invested in this relationship to divinity.

And then AS-TR spells out the big important lesson he learned that led him to lean into the Cleric thing and he just goes '... Oh. Yes.'

[badmuni]

↺ jay as a boyfriend ↻

jay is straight forward when it comes to his desires.

so once he sets his goal, it's done. he doesn't give up until he gets what he wants

and as he wanted you, jay invested in all the way

buying things, planning dates, and mainly, trying to help and support you in all aspects.

he doesn't say but he likes the chase. nothing too crazy, but he likes he idea of making you fall for him. that's why he gave so much of himself since the start

but the funny thing is, he fell hard before even you

and everybody knew about it.

jay, without realizing it, was talking about you all the time. literally anything reminded him of you

“oh... i feel like eating cookies” sunoo says randomly. “oh really? y/n loves eating cookies...” jay said from across the room and the boys started to laugh. “oh gosh he's putting y/n in the conversation again...” sunghoon responds. “until the end of the day we will know everything about y/n, for real” jake complained.

it was indeed true.

when you and jay became a couple, you inevitably became close with his friends, because he likes to show you off

also keeping you around him.

and since jay likes to keep you close, he would want to take you anywhere with him

because he has a busy life, jay thinks that any moment with you is precious, so even if he needs to go to the dentist, he asks “y/n do you want to come with me?”

sounds hilarious, but it's just the way he takes things.

jay values the closeness, the moments and every little efforts

he's a devoted man.

the type to buy you flowers, expensive jewelry and call you his love

cause being with jay you would never not feel safe.

he is always true, never hiding anything or lying to you

he brings all the stability to the table.

thinks about the future and isn't afraid to tell you the things he thinks you can achieve together

.... he wants his last name on yours (or your last name on his?)

it's that type of love.

exclusively, jay is very patient with you

if you don't know something, he'll teach you, or show you how to take it, and he will love to do that

jay feels good when he feels needed by you

the guidance role—loving you with all his heart like he never loved somebody before, and making that clear for you.

deep talker—who might whisper words like, “you. you're the only one for me. the only one i want and desire.”

jay can be very intense with his feelings and emotions

and because of that, jealousy brings out the worst in him

he may, perhaps, be jealous constantly...

if you look at other man, he would automatically feel bad

starts to overthink, “is she still in love with me?”

so you gotta give him reassurance.

just like heeseung, words are very important to jay

he likes to be listened just as much he likes to listen to you

if there are a lot of people around, and you're talking but they don't seem to be paying attention, that wouldn't be a problem, because jay would be there attentive to your every word.

when it comes to arguments, things can get complicated

jay is very stubborn...

he has many opinions and it's too hard to change his mind

since jay is talkative, i know, you know, that when he's stressed he might talk nonstop

keeps trying to prove you his point of view;

things can end up chaotic because of this

he is understandable though...

if he sees you don't want to talk, he gives you space, and may even pull away to give you some alone time

but he always comes back

jay can't stand being away for that long so he always comes back with the excuse, “i can't do this anymore, let's work this out, my love”

jay offers a lot of his affection as a form of apology

even prepares a bathtub with scented candles around it so you can relax

give you massage, or prepare some food for you.

even though jay is so good he also expects to receive the same good treatment

he likes it when you pet him, stroke his hair and tell him you love him

this is the moment he feels the happiest.

overall, jay is a loyal, stable, and undeniably... husband material boyfriend

who would always try his best to make it work, and give you the love you deserve.

୧୨

[ ★ ] — notes: pls pls, tell me if you find mistakes !

# masterlist

© badmuni, 2023

[cutthathair]

HI guys i’m here to yap about the symbolism of paul singing solo in justice for tulsa. adjusts my tie okay here i go.

Paul singing in Justice for Tulsa is SO important. Him being the only soc (besides Cherry) to sing/speak is basically showing how he is leading the group. He is taking on the role of “pack leader” literally immediately after Bob’s death. When you dive deeper into this fact, or honestly from first glance, it’s SYMBOLIC and crucial to the storytelling. Paul is (was) is Bob’s right-hand man — his best friend out of all the boys.

However, stay with me here, he is also the eldest member of their little group. He is the adult, hence why the cops go to and interrogate him first. He is the adult, so all of the socs are looking at him for what to do next, waiting to see what’s the next move. Bob had always been the one organizing everything, so now the responsibility as well as all eyes fall on Paul. He is practically the gang’s big brother when you think about it.

None of the socs weren’t going to accuse Cherry or even bother her in the beginning. The girls understood she was grieving (for goodness sake she just like her boyfriend), and the guys well. They’re the guys. This all changed during Justice for Tulsa when Cherry goes “You were only having fun?” accusing the boys of starting it. The music changes and so does Paul’s voice — he goes from sorrow to angry. His reply is him initiating the revolt (don’t think that’s the right word but we ball) against Cherry.

The socs are drawn to side with him. Beverly suddenly removes her comforting hands away from Cherry and instead goes to join her boyfriend beside Paul. Even Marcia is contemplating what to do. His rage is transferred onto the others as his tone of voice/singing becomes more directed and bitter. They are so quick to believe him when he says Cherry held Ponyboy’s hand (even though we as the audience know he is gaslighting her), and quickly turn against the girl as well.

Paul CONTINUES to get louder as the song goes on, the entire verse after “Bob didn't need to die!” (which is his snapping point, where the line of not targetting her has officially been crossed. Marcia joined the others and Cherry left the scene) is him practically SCREAMING. His mic is turned up and the others become an ensemble with him as the lead, chanting the same phrases as him. This further proves how he became their new leader.

ALSO not to mention when he was being interrogated by the cops, he was NOT afraid to give up Ponyboy and Johnny. He actually says their names as soon as he asked. With that, he also tries to get Cherry to back him up and tell the police it was them two, despite her not even being there when he was murdered. He nudges her and eggs her on because he KNOWS she is not going to crack. She is going to resist releasing any information because she knows the type of person Bob was (hence why she dumped him). Although, if anyone can break her, it’s going to be Paul. He’s going to intimidate her and get the others to as well, which they don’t even need to be told, they just DO it.

As he gets closer while singing “You should be as mad as me, at the senseless tragedy,” she backs away MUCH like she did when Bob was yelling at her after the Drive-In. When the ensemble joins in, Brill gets real close to her and tries to take Bob’s jacket from her grasp, which she retaliates and immediately pulls back.

Basically, what I’m trying to get at is that Paul became the king of the socs after Bob died. They looked to him for guidance, whether it be because they were scared, see him as an older brother, or even were just completely lost. He was the most responsible.

okay baiii

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Ateez as a Boyfriend

Okay, now that I have done their ideal type. It is now time to look into what type of boyfriend they would be like. Let's go!

Okay, first look these cards were not what I expected. Anyway, I may understand more once I dive in.

Hongjoong (Queen of Swords/House 4) So, normally the QOS's is someone calculated, observant, a good listener, and open to new ideas, but in this deck, yes, all these qualities apply, but there is a coldness, a sense of detached energy here, also someone very mysterious. This may be how he is as boyfriend. There is this dark and shadowy energy surrounding him when it comes to him as a boyfriend. He will be very calculated, logical and strategic, more so than overly emotional. But we do have the House 4 card, which represent home, family and comfort. So, there is a sense for him to bring peace, comfort and stability to his partner as a boyfriend. But I can see him hiding his emotions behind logic. Also, do not cross him, because boy will be vengeful and spiteful.

Seonghwa (9 of Cups/Uranus/House 6) I didn't want to keep three cards for this reading, but I just felt pulled to keep them. He would feel really happy and fulfilled. He would feel overjoyed in relationships, but the 9 of cups in this deck always gives me the impression of someone faking it, and putting on a mask of happiness, so he may do that as a boyfriend. Having a strong foundation is important to him. I am actually being drawn back to his ideal partner reading where I got the impression he didn't want a slacker, because as a boyfriend he is all about getting all the important little details in life done, he is a practical man. He is someone progressive and open minded. I don't see him following the status quo as a boyfriend. He would like to break the chains that confine and define relationships. I am not sure what that means, but that is the messages I got.

Yunho (The Moon/Pluto) This surprises me. I am kind of getting there is some shadow work he needs to do as a boyfriend. Not sure this is something he is working on. There is a need to work on the hidden layers of himself. This one is confusing me. He doesn't give me the emotional type, but the moon card can signify that, but my sense is he needs to do some inner reflection and work through his emotions. He may the type to hide his emotions in relationships I am getting that. Like I feel this is more guidance, than him as a boyfriend to be honest. I will say he maybe shouldn't date, because he has some inner shadow work to do from what these cards say. I feel relationships may bring about fears and worries for him, also there could be a lack of clarity as well. Weird, now I may need to look at this when I get to his perspective reading, because this threw me off.

Yeosang (10 of Pentacles/Opposition) How this boy never makes sense to me. I wonder if family will play a big role as a boyfriend, like his partner would have to please his family. Because there is a power balance and point of tension when it comes to him as a boyfriend. Like pleasing his family is important to him. As a boyfriend he would like to build a strong foundation with someone. Someone he can be proud of and be successful with. This seems very artificial not going to lie. Alright, I am done, I get annoyed with this boy's energy, because he makes no sense to me. Nothing against him, that is his energy, but I can't sometimes with him lol

San (Strength rv/House One) *Sighs* My sweetie San. These cards are basically telling me he should not really be in a relationship. With the strength card rv, that needs to be upright, it means he is very vulnerable, lacks confidence, can't really stand up for himself as a boyfriend. This could lead him to be manipulated by others. The strength card upright shows me someone who is more than capable of handling a relationship, but with it showing up in reverse his guides may be telling him to work on himself first. We got the House One card, this card represents individuality, our self-image, and how we approach life. He may struggle with this, so they may be encouraging him to work on who he is, before stepping into a relationship. Once again, when I channel I don't always get the answer I am asking, but I will sometimes get guidance messages, because that is what is needed for the energy, although, he won't see this, so not sure why I get this, but I do. Maybe, so you guys will understand where he is at, who knows.

Mingi (7 of Wands/Virgo) He can be very protective, territorial and create a barrier for his relationships. I mean Leo's are like this, so yeah. He would be the type of boyfriend that will protect his partner from harm, and he wouldn't allow any obstacles to get in the way of his relationships. He may be the type of boyfriend that enjoys being of service to his partner. As a boyfriend he would love to be there for his partner in times of need. This Virgo card just screams that he would be the type of partner that would be like whatever you want, I will be there.

Wooyoung (9 of Pentacles/House 2) I laughed when I saw these cards. How this boy does not give a fu** about relationships or being someone's boyfriend. The 9 of Pentacles is the single and free card and House 2 is all about material wealth and possessions. Now, he may see his partner as one of his possessions, so there is that. He seems to like his independence and freedom, and he likes money. I don't see him being very emotionally invested in a partner as a boyfriend. I just think right now he isn't in that headspace. Remember I tap into the energy at the moment, so this doesn't mean he won't be a caring boyfriend, but as of now. He is about himself, his money and goals. Honestly, I don't blame him. Same.

Jungho (4 of Swords rv/House 9) I feel like for him in relationships he feels he doesn't get to relax or have a break. This is kind of hard for me to decipher here. It is like he can't relax as a boyfriend. Once again, this is not really about how he is as a boyfriend. There is a lack of mental peace he has. He may find his partner too clingy and, in his space too much. Now with this House 9 card, this indicates relationships are spiritual lessons for him. They are there to serve his higher purpose and grow, because at the end of the day whatever is challenging to you is meant to be a lesson for you. I feel him. I am the same way, it is that Aquarius energy, we love freedom and space, so that may be a struggle for him as a boyfriend.

Okay, this was a lot. Although, I love chatty energies like this group, man, it can take a long time to get through these readings at the same time.

[jooniperbonsai]

Thanks For the Sub (ksj) | Chapter Two

Pairing: Camboy!Seokjin x Gamer!Reader (afab)

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 13.7k

Release date: Mon. February 5, 2024

Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, camboy au, gamer au, comedy, crack, slow burn (?), coworkers/boss/friends to lovers, an exploration of adults in their late 20s/early 30s

Summary: Now aware of Seokjin's secret, you try to take some of his...techniques into your next stream. But how well will they pay off?

Chapter Warnings: anxiety, discussion of boundaries and triggers, Seokjin explains what bdsm is supposed to mean to us watching at home, internet/cyberbullying dynamics, boss/employee power struggles, discussions of consent, peer pressure, mention of threesome, implied chubby/fat reader (it's vague enough to not adopt a specific size), mention of sex toys, swearing, sexual fantasies, m masturbation, damn Seokjin has a boner so many times in this sorry, size kink, y/n assumes Seokjin's sexuality, porn simulation games, 1 (one) reference to Vine (RIP), Dom Seokjin, kink negotiation, mention of choking and improper bdsm practices, mention of urethral sounding (but not actually happening)

a/n: Ahh hello! First of all, thank you to everyone who has read TFTS so far! It really warms my heart knowing how well received it's been, and your comments and messaged have meant so much. I really wanted to emphasize discussions of consent and boundaries in this chapter. I was struggling to write for a little bit, and then suddenly I saw this one gif of Jin on my feed and my brain jimmy neutron brain blasted my way to a 13k length chapter. Hopefully I've proofread well enough, but if you spot some serious errors please let me know. -h

On Saturday afternoon, Seokjin woke up for the first time in what felt like forever feeling rested. After checking the weather app on his phone constantly throughout the night, he received the alert that heavy snowfall was causing delays in plowing and public transit. He messaged the opening crew, encouraging them to also enjoy the lie-in and prepare for a delayed open. Instead of falling into the semi-sickening lovefest of couples peeling each other’s perilla leaves or trying to feed each other lunch, he could be spared until the evening. 

Which was good, because Seokjin was exhausted. His live last night was not planned, but after closing and apologizing to you about his gross mismanagement of power, he needed to get out the pent-up frustration that crumbled the bones in his body from pressure. 

Sure, it was the right thing to do to apologize, even though he knew he would never be able to look at that prep counter, your wide, glassy eyes, and swollen lips the same way again. But it was important to him. He could never become the kind of man he watched his boss be to him or his wife, forcing his way past someone’s boundaries to get what they wanted. 

Even years later, Seokjin was convinced that had he not shared information about Soon Yi that intrigued his boss, if he’d maybe kept his personal and professional lives separate, things maybe would have been different. And now that he was in the position of power where he was someone else’s boss, wasn’t it his duty to make sure that didn’t happen to you too?

Seokjin almost lost all his control with you yesterday. From the moment you came in with a tired, croaky voice that greeted him “hi” before the sun had even come up, he knew he would be struggling for the rest of the day. 

During multiple points of your training, he had the urge to touch you, which was nearly impossible not to do, since so much of the guidance you needed came from hand-over-hand instruction as he showed you the fluid motions of safe chopping. When his large hands covered yours, Seokjin became aware of how tiny you were to him. Maybe not in all the places, but your height, your smaller hands, they showed him how easily and perfectly you slotted into his body, like a puzzle piece he didn’t know he could ever feel matched to. 

Maybe Seokjin executed this desire to touch you a little too dramatically. When he saw your misplaced cutting knife, he let that excuse lead him head-first into white hot desire, scolding you, watching you squirm a little as you felt embarrassed for losing focus. And that seemed to unlock some feral need in him, to get you to squirm a little more, to touch you and feel the velveteen softness of your forearms as he pinned you against the prep table. 

The little gasp you’d let out sent the blood straight to his cock, and to avoid you seeing how easy and embarrassingly you could undo him–how quickly one singular sound from you would make Seokjin rock hard and panting and under your complete power–he reacted, clasped your wrists, used some set of excuses to get closer, let his arm skim across your cheek to grab a packet of whatever the hell was above you. And the way you didn’t resist, didn’t pull away from his grasp showed him how good you could be, how obedient you were as you turned around when told. 

He should’ve stopped there, but you were standing in front of him, smelling a little bit like coffee and a fruity shampoo you used, your bodies only mere inches from full on contact. And Seokjin wanted more of a reason to hold onto you, to see what ways he could rile you up, whether you were cognizant or not of how, well, submissive you were to him. 

Most of his income from streams came from scenarios where Seokjin played into a softer role, which translated into the role of a submissive pretty boy, and usually a bottom. But for the first time in years, a rich, satisfying wave of dominance rolled back into his body and he welcomed it.

Seokjin knew better, but he couldn’t help himself. The one bit of control he maintained was in his refusal to let go of your hands, even after you had mastered the motions of your knife, possibly even better than Seokjin himself could chop. Because if Seokjin declawed himself from you, his hands would absolutely wander. Up the sleeve of your exposed forearms and down the swell of your breasts and full hips. 

His cock ached thinking about how plush and soft your body would be under his hands, how he wouldn’t have to worry about breaking you. He could safely grope your sides and not feel like he would pinch your bones together, and that was important, because Seokjin liked to be rough.

When that carrot fell, you couldn’t shake Seokjin’s desperate hands off yours and you carried him with you as you curved your body toward the floor to pick up your mess. Seokjin was blessed and cursed with the brief moment he got to touch more of you than he ever had as your ass rocked back and ground gently into him. 

He’d moaned, though he tried to disguise it as a grunt or scoff, but the way your delicious ass attracted him right in between the line of your cheeks practically begged him to rut against you. 

Your reaction of shock, though, halted him as he remembered you two were in the kitchen of his family’s restaurant. He scrambled to cover his dick before it became even more obvious and humiliating. 

And then you fell, because Seokjin was an idiot and forgot he had been holding onto you. 

The sound of your head crashing into the metal ricocheted through his ears, and your pained moan sent him spiraling in panic. He didn’t think. Seokjin wasn’t the best at remaining calm during potential medical emergencies, instead of electing to assess your wellbeing and check-in with you, he just reacted, plucking you off the floor and onto the counter.

You can’t manage a restaurant without carrying heavy sacks of rice or flour, cartons of vegetables or gallons of oils and liquids into the space. That, plus the fact that Seokjin did go to the gym to keep his figure, ensured that when he had to pull you up from the floor, he could do so with ease. Which thanks to his awful, overly enthusiastic libido, was really locking in some potential size kink. If Seokjin could hoist you onto the cold prep counter without breaking a sweat, it meant he could also hoist you onto other things, like his cock. Could bounce you up and down and see how those delicious, large tits would follow his pace.

Fuck. 

This was when Seokjin realized even though he was deeply, deeply interested in these fantasies, his reality was different. Because too easily he had dipped into some innate submissive part of you and decided to play with it and tease you for it. Too easily, he has erased any boundary between professional and personal, and now you are walking around with a giant bruise on your forehead. He used his power to manipulate you, didn’t he? While the tiniest part of him argued back, suggesting it was purely mutual attraction and biology, that he shouldn’t apologize because he swore he saw something in your eyes that almost guaranteed you wanted him too, this is why Seokjin had to apologize. The ���almost” of it all. He wasn’t sure, which meant the uncertainty was a risk and just because he wanted something to be true didn’t mean it was. 

By the end of the day, the intense proximity to you and the memory of your lips parting to suck his tongue into your mouth had become too much. Seokjin turned on an impromptu stream to wallow in his self pity and direct that dominant energy into something that was far less harmful and at least lucrative. 

Now, as the winter’s dull afternoon light glowed through the city, Seokjin checked his phone, seeing that the evening crew leader had arrived and informed him that everything was covered and they wouldn’t need the extra help. 

With that update, Seokjin’s entire evening just became available, which was a rare thing for him since he moved up in his job role. But because of this, he was unsure what to do to pass the time. He cooked himself dinner, cleaned, and organized the jars in his refrigerator, needing to keep his hands busy to distract himself from thinking about you. 

His apartment looking immaculate and there no longer being anything else to clean, he finally fired up his computer to play games. Maybe this would serve as a proper distraction. His new PC was set to come early next week after being delayed by the snow. Despite Seokjin’s financial success since his start as a streamer, money to him was still something he wasn’t sure what to do with. 

After Worldwide Handsome took their cut from last night’s fifteen grand in earnings, he would be walking away with about ten thousand dollars. He would, albeit quietly, pour around seven thousand of those dollars into the restaurant, where the mom-and-pop feel of the small shop was starting to show its age.

Last week, he’d called a repairman to give him a quote about fixing a broken coil on one of the griddles. After a quick inspection, he was informed most of the unit was corroding, and it was time to seriously consider a replacement. Between that, the new register he ordered, and the walk-in freezer that was coughing its last breath, probably as we speak, Seokjin spent nearly forty grand in the last month with repairs and replacements to keep the shop running another day. 

His parents had insisted they’d pay for the expenses, but after the first few discoveries he’d made of the DIY wiring his father had tried in earnest to configure, Seokjin stopped alerting them to the updates he was making, hoping that distance, age, and some fairly similar looking appliances would allow for these changes to go undetected when they returned. He had seen what this place made. He’d seen his paycheck. There was no way in hell his father could afford an $18 to 25,000 walk-in freezer on their operating budget. 

Overall, Seokjin made plenty of money with streaming, but beyond some investments and his nice apartment, as well as a savings account to ensure he wasn’t completely destitute, he lived much below his means. When he hit goals during his streaming, it did really feel like he was winning big. To buy himself a new PC was something he knew he worked for.  

Just as he was browsing the new skins in the game store, he heard the familiar chime and his heartrate picked up. 

You were live. 

He hesitated. “No,” he said out loud to himself, his voice croaking after hours of not speaking. “Don’t even think about it.” 

He knew if he looked at you right now, all the distractions, the cleaning, the dedication to keeping himself busy, would be for nothing. It would be painful to look at you–probably all cozy with your hair pulled messily away from your face, your glasses hanging off your nose instead of your usual contacts–and not think about how merely hours ago he had your heat rubbed up against him. 

If he really wanted to torture himself, he would also think about how the casual, disheveled look you sported could have been something he woke up to this morning if he’d tried a little harder, the loose t-shirt you probably wore rising up while you slept next to him, exposing the soft tummy he knew hid under it. Maybe even one of your nipples would slip out, hard from the chill of the cold winter air bleeding into his apartment. 

But Seokjin wouldn’t torture himself. He knew better. When he exited his game, he definitely didn’t launch his web browser and go to your channel that was on his Favorites tab. And he definitely didn’t cup himself through his sweats as he watched you appear before him. 

If the idea of you in casual wear could make him this hard, the view of you now, as you sat on stream with a tight, low-cut top that showed the curve of your breasts and their delicious, lickable valley between them, could easily turn every part of him into stone. You did your makeup today. Let your hair delicately frame your face. You looked like you were logging on to lure your viewers to come to you like a siren. Seokjin wanted you to devour him. 

His cock twitched and he groaned. He was such a pervert. But whoever this Y/N was, she looked like she was ready to play some games, and not the kind that Seokjin was used to seeing on stream. 

“Well, hello,” you purred. Was this really happening? Who the fuck had possessed the wide-eyed, awkward gamer he was used to watching?

“I thought, given that it’s so close to Valentine's Day, and because I missed the stream last night, I would make it up to you.” 

Seokjin froze. How had he not known you were supposed to stream yesterday? He would’ve never let you stay so late. He shot you an apologetic text,and when he looked up from his phone, he saw some of the comments flooding into your feed:

Mingisaysrelax: Um…am I on the right website? 😏💦

MountainSan88:😳 

PizzaBoy97: You look really pretty 😍

MizzVyne: Is this allowed? IS THIS ALLOWED?

Seokjin watched as your chat exploded in response to your new look, clips being taken by the hundreds when you leaned down to adjust your seat and the tops of your breasts jiggled. Your mods seemed to be on top of things though, because as soon as he saw raunchy or hateful comments, they were swiftly being taken down. 

“I’m not going to read my comment section right now, but I assume you’re all a little shocked by my appearance. I don’t know, I was feeling a bit inspired by another streamer I watched last night when I got home from work. He had some really good ideas on um…stuff, and no I’m not going to share who he is because some of you will absolutely cyber bully him for being associated with me and he deserves better than that.” 

He. A pang of bitterness surged through Seokjin. It was laughable, really, how he was jealous because you were watching other male streamers when you got home from work, completely oblivious to how on another site he was jerking his aching cock to his viewers thanks to how worked up you made him. 

“But yeah, I’m going to switch up the stream in the second half, if you want to stick around and see.”

This really piqued his interest, pressing his palm down onto his erection to try and relieve some of the pressure. 

You frowned at your screen as you launched your game, some first person shooter that would hold your attention so you wouldn’t have to talk.

You opened your mouth to add something, but you were immediately dropped into your game, setting your jaw as you focused on the controls in front of you, occasionally panicking, key smashing so loud that it drowned out your squeals when you were knocked over and over again and needed a revive. 

Seokjin assumed whatever teammate who kept reviving you must’ve been a subscriber who was stream sniping…or reverse stream sniping? Stream assisting and reviving as you struggled your way through the game. 

Something really stuck with him as you played. Whoever this “mentor” was must have been well versed in the knowledge that on any streaming platform, sex sells, especially for women. Your new look was drawing in quite the crowd. He wasn’t sure he’d seen you have this many subs, points, or viewers while streaming before. It was like a switch flipped. 

He felt a tiny flutter of something like pride swell into his chest. You were becoming more confident every day he knew you, from your knife skills to school teaching to now streaming. 

“Oh shittttttt,” you groaned into your mic, ripping Seokjin away from his soft reverie and back into full on, desperate wanting. Maybe you were toeing the community guidelines with this stream, but that groan sounded almost pornographic coming out of your mouth, and any chance Seokjin had at trying to be respectful was long gone. 

He cocked an eyebrow. “Oh you’re being a bad girl tonight I see,” he chuckled to himself.

Almost as if you heard him, you giggled back, biting your lip playfully. Fuck, what were you doing to him? Your chat seemed to be in a similar standing. 

As a result, One of the mods pinned an announcement to the top:

W0nW00: To maintain community guidelines and compliance, we are labeling this channel as 18+. We ask that you be respectful to Y/N and her moderators as we continue with this stream. If your account is set to under 18, you will be redirected in 2 minutes. 

Shit, all for a simple moan? 

You paused the game. “I’m going to go for a bio break. Be right back.” You set your break screen, and instead of the usual, cutesy graphic of a cherry blossom tree blowing in the wind that said “Spring Day Streams”, it was now a neon, vaporwave cityscape and said “Join Us For Spring Night Streams, An After Dark Experience”. 

Seokjin’s eyes wide, he finally released his cock from his sweats, and took himself in his hand. Oh, this was going to be good. 

Seokjin is a camboy.

That’s the only thought splitting through the headache you’ve had all morning. Is there such a thing as an orgasm hangover? Because if so, you’ve got one. If not, maybe you were concussed in the kitchen yesterday.

You’ve spent most of the day trying to clean up the mess of your apartment and frankly, your mental state. Seokjin spends his Friday nights Daddy domming his humble pool of viewers and making thousands of dollars doing so. To even think that sentence feels insane. 

And humiliating. Because attached to that sentence is the realization that Seokjin’s major success as a gay camboy means that he is absolutely not thinking about you the way you are of him, and the kiss you imposed on him at work was definitely not consensual after all, which when you think about it, is obvious based on how frantically he apologized and assigned himself at fault for what happened. He was trying in the most polite way to reject you. 

You’re an idiot. And despite all of it, the shame of your action isn’t what’s delivering the heavy punch; it’s the fact that your crush didn’t die the second you found out last night. If anything, you’ve been silently wallowing in your sadness since you woke up, your stupid heart not processing that there’s one significant reason for why you can’t have him. 

You try to trudge through the fog of it all, placing your newly cleaned toys back into their proper dust cases and compartments before returning them to the drawer next to your side table. You switch loads of laundry and drop the warm pile on your bed, grimacing at the idea of having to fold it all. 

You shouldn’t be disappointed. This is a stupid crush that was never meant to go this far. Not to this place where you aren’t just humiliated, but the loneliness that you often avoid feeling has been spilling through the cracks of your life all day. 

The laundry is the only thing that occupies one side of your bed. Never another body, his warmth, his weight existing as another living thing keeping your living thing company as you fold laundry or wash dishes. 

No, you shouldn’t have projected this crush or obsession or whatever you want to call it onto Seokjin, but in these months of conversation and blooming friendship, you’ve found your mind beginning to wander into the fantasy of not just sex, but safety and connection. He’s a man who has always treated you with the utmost respect, even now in how he has maintained a boundary that gently rejects you, even if it’s confusing. 

Before his promotion at the restaurant, there was collaboration that fostered your trust in him; your bodies started working around each other like dancers, fusing your movements with a natural flow. You’d seen some of that pop up throughout the day yesterday, which you couldn’t help but feel like delivered a bit of hope in your stomach. 

You know it’s useless to continue hoping that something will change. Maybe he’s bi, you’ve thought a few times since you went to bed. He did call everyone a good girl. But, don’t some guys call each other girls as some kind of kink? But even hoping for that still feels wrong in your gut. Instead of wishing he just so happens to like pussy, you should be redirecting yourself from the fact that it doesn’t even matter. He said so himself, he’s your boss. 

“Ugh,” you groan into your unfolded laundry. Why can’t anything ever be easy? 

You shove the clothing pile to one side of your bed as you lie down, staring up at the ceiling, your eyes following the soft pattern of cracks that have begun to appear through the paint. You already know that going back to work on Monday will be awful, not just because this crush won’t crush itself, but because you clearly now know more about Seokjin than he perhaps ever wanted you to know. Won’t it be awkward trying to talk to him? And if he asks why you’re being so weird, what will you even say?

Sorry Seokjin, I’m not sure how to talk to you anymore because I spent Friday cumming while watching you on your gay cam show as you stroked your huge dick and admittedly once I saw your face connected to your dick I had the best orgasm of my life that rendered me useless the next day.

Perfect. This won’t be absolute hell at all. 

Your stream alarm rings on your phone. You sigh. That’s right. You promised a makeup stream to your followers. 

How did Seokjin stream so confidently? Last night, the way he just exuded dominance and control, how he managed to get so much money from sitting there and making his chat do the work? It’s not only impressive but also inspiring. If you were able to have that distance from your chat, maybe things would be a bit easier, and the questions that were so personal and directed would fade into the background while ones of adoration and impersonal fantasies could take their place. 

And the money, god. If you had money like that, you wouldn’t have a stack of financial aid forms sitting on your dresser right now waiting for you to basically jump through hoops to ask nicely for a loan. 

The way he was able to be so different and make money off of it? That feels promising to you too. Because whoever Daddy Dom Seokjin is, he isn’t just walking around in the world being “on” all the time. You know him as someone whose ears flush with embarrassment the second one of the delivery guys tells him he made an error with the order and tries to diffuse the tension with some free snacks; who often hums game scores and whose laugh sounds like a squeaky windshield wiper swiping across dried glass. 

What if you could be more like that? 

Not Daddy Dom or Mommy Y/N, but more casual and detached? You could stop reading your chat and answering questions. Or if you did want to play into some of Seokjin’s sex appeal, you could dress slightly more suggestively or do your hair and makeup to exploit the male gaze’s money a bit, just like how Seokjin did. 

In this world of streaming, where everything feels like fractured versions of reality, parts of you being split among the pixels and delivered and digested into someone else’s home for their entertainment and pleasure, it’s hard for you to ever feel like you can have some close community with your followers. Not like Wonwoo does with his. Because of your start and how people perceive you now, there just doesn’t seem to be a way for you to have intimacy. Even if you tried, your chat flies by so quickly now that unless it’s a notification from a mod, any usernames and personal anecdotes are lost before you can even know who’s who. 

You think about it for a bit. It can’t hurt to try, right? It’s not like you being a little less reserved would automatically launch you into a career in porn. And if it will help bring a little more income in, lessen the blow a tiny bit, you can’t really see why it would make sense to keep doing things this way when you are this miserable by the idea of it. 

Spring Day Streams holds a standard image that is pink and soft, and you know some people love watching you because you’re hitting some fantasy they have. The woman who looks like an angel but swears like a sailor and as stereotypes often assume, fucks like a demon. 

What could “fuck like a demon” look like on an often all ages game streaming platform, though? Well, not all ages. Some streams are only accessible to registered users over the age of 18. Usually the age filter is there because the game is super graphic, or the streamer is a sex educator or swears so much the algorithm has started penalizing them. A few times though, you’ve seen some streamers playing games that are so raunchy they’re basically porn. And porn versions of those games exist, but to keep some of them streamer-friendly, they also sell versions that don’t have uncensored anime girls receiving creampies. That would definitely maintain the brand without going too far, right? 

You open your phone, typing in some of the titles of games, mostly dating simulators you’ve seen other streamers play before, and then you stumble across one called MiCamStudio, a puzzle game with the plot where you’re the manager of a camgirl enterprise and your goal is to become the most successful, richest entrepreneur while keeping your girls happy. 

You laugh. It feels a bit on the nose, but a fun way to shake things up in an after-dark concept. And it’s not too expensive, which means if this entire plan bombs, you won’t have invested much into it. Fine, you’ll do it. 

Wonwoo responds right away after you shoot a quick message with your idea to your mods on discord to help them prepare. 

On it. 

With a deep breath, you start to get ready. 

As you brace yourself to come back from your short bio break and announcement, your heart is hammering in your ears. What if everyone left? What if things get weird or gross or you think you’re being kind of sexy and cute but are really just being an idiot? 

Suddenly, this entire idea seems so stupid. What if your mom decides this is finally the time she wants to watch you stream? She hasn’t ever had the interest to, but what if she finally thinks to herself on a random Saturday night in February, “Wow, I sure do crave watching some video game streams! Say, I know my daughter Y/N streams. I should check it out!” or worse, what if someone she knows sends one of the clips or a screenshot of you with your tits practically out? 

Your anxiety is starting to win in this battle, and as you pace back and forth in front of your computer, shaking your clammy hands and trying to remember how to breathe, you see the number of viewers has dropped since the stream moved from all ages to 18+. Which means that you can now read your chat again. 

The comments are actually really supportive. Among them are some of your mods cheering you on, but one username anchors you back into your chair as you watch the notification dance across the screen. 

JokeJinSeokjin has subscribed for 3x months!

Seokjin. Seokjin is live and watching you. Which you expect to be the thing that will throw you over the edge. Seokjin, your boss. Your kind of friend. Your crush. The man who you are trying to emulate in this attempt to be sexy and earn more money and confidence. 

Surprisingly, a warm glow of comfort settles in you stomach instead. Because while maybe in all of this mess there’s plenty to be anxious about, you feel a part of you that’s determined to make him proud, to show him in this rejection what he’s missing out on. You take a deep breath to steady yourself as you hit the button to come back. 

“Ah, hello! I mean-um, hello,” you catch the nervousness pouring out of your shaky voice and clear your throat, trying to sound more composed. 

“I wanted to try something new today. Well, tonight. Welcome to Spring Night Streams, where I’ll be playing some not safe for work in more of a raunchy way type of games. Because as we know if there’s blood and guts and horror, it’s all ages! But boobs, those are a no no!”

You shakily laugh and suck your lip into your teeth. The taste of your lipstick laths over your tongue and you try not to think about how messy you just made it look. Or how you might now have lipstick on your teeth to really add an effect of clownery to your poor jokes. 

“I’m going to play this game? It came out a few years ago, but it’s a puzzle game called MiCamStudio. Maybe some of you have played it. But uh, yeah if you don’t like things like that I can always um…well I’ll just try it and see…” you trail off and nervously fidget with your controls as you open the game. 

Whatever you were expecting out of a dating simulator type game where you were in charge of cam girls, it wasn’t this. When you open the menu to start a new game, the animation that loads after you click “Start Streaming” is dozens of bra-clad boobs bouncing across the screen as it transitions you to the story line menu. 

Jesus Christ. Heat floods your cheeks. This somehow feels worse than the time your earbuds died and you didn’t notice that the audiobook of a very spicy holiday romance you were listening to wasn’t coming through them, but your phone. On the bus. And to make matters worse, you were at a part where the narrator was very generously providing sound effects and moans for the main character as she participated in an orgy with triple penetration. Yikes. 

You begin the walk-through of the storyline, greeted by Candy, a pink haired, busty camgirl who is looking to expand her horizons in the business. As you tap through the prompts, Candy starts to become less dressed, abandoning her already tiny skirt and crop top combo for a barely-there set of lingerie that covers just her nipples and vagina. 

“I need your help!” Candy pouts, her eyes shimmering with tears. “I need 400 new fans for my business or else I’ll be out of work! Quick, use this magic wand as you solve puzzles to help me get closer to my goal!” 

The wand is, of course, a vibrator. When you play through the first level tutorial and are prompted to use the wand, it vibrates the blocks, shifting them into new positions on the screen to match colors together. If you get enough combos, she has a giant orgasm, which increases her fans so you can pass to the next level. 

As you work through some of the first few levels, you notice that your view count has recovered somewhat from earlier, though the comments are kind of off-putting. Not because people are being sexually inappropriate, but because they’re mad you’re not interacting with them. 

NGL I thought this was going to be more fun and naughty. 

Yeah now she’s not even talking to us at all. 

I miss when she was bad at games and it was at least interesting. 

Someone come get me if she starts moaning again like she did earlier. 

Fuck. You are fucking this up. And your viewers are right, you haven’t been talking to them. Or really doing anything but playing the game and trying not to wince from embarrassment every time Candy moans as you make her a star. 

There’s got to be something you can do. You think about Seokjin again, who you’re not sure is still watching, but you hope some of that confident edge he had last night starts to come over you, too. What was it that he did to keep everyone engaged? 

He gave them incentive. A goal. He didn’t have to say much to them but tell them what to do and they happily did it. And that also took the pressure off of him to keep talking. 

With a deep breath, you test the waters. “Oh, you wanted more fun and naughty? Well, you didn’t really work for it did you?” 

You hate the words as they come from your mouth, but they have an immediate result. 

Loyal2You tipped 1600 points. What do you need us to do to earn it?

Your face burns hot, and you sip some water to try and cool yourself, playing it off as nonchalance rather than anxiety. You feel your stomach threatening to lurch into your throat as you force out the next sentence.  

“Mmm, I don’t know. Maybe you need to show me what I need,” you smirk. You really don’t know. Money? Subs? People not questioning you? This to be over?

LongJohn69 gifted 10 subs. Maybe this will help? 😉

“Well, it’s a start. Thanks for the sub,” you giggle, forcing yourself to relax into your chair. 

“Hmm, what can I give you all as a reward? I feel like I could really use some cute new clothes that I can wear for you next stream if you help me?” 

Your voice is softened and the pitch is a bit higher. Maybe Candy’s baby voice is having an impact on you from the game, because your normal, even paced tone is taking a turn. Is this the persona you’ve been trying to find? 

But you need this money. School, your future. You can’t just keep living the way you have been. 

7DaysAWeek tipped 10,000 points. Please, say “thank you 7 days” in that adorable whiny voice, baby. I’ll double tip if you do.

You freeze. 20,000 points is $200. All for you to say something so simple and stupid? 

God, but it doesn’t feel right to do it. You could ignore it, you think. And walk away with $100 before your commission rate is taken out. Which will end up being nothing, you realize.

“Oh, hmm.” You pause and then just do it. “Okay. Thank you 7 Days for the points. I really appreciate it.” You drum up the dramatics, eliciting some horrible, embarrassing baby voice that makes your vowels stringy and weak. 

Yuck. More requests pour in, people eager to get you to recite some innocent seeming phrases that you know are fodder for their spank bank. 

You see a tiny notification flash in the bottom right corner: a private message from Wonwoo. 

Y/N, you could get into deep shit if you aren’t careful. This could potentially violate your terms of service. 

You frown at the message but nod to let him know you read it. 

“Okay, well, I think it’s time we get back to the game!” You awkwardly divert your attention back to the screen, letting Candy’s moans fill the silence as you ignore the new requests and subs for the rest of your stream, too humiliated to think about what they could be saying.

After you end your stream, you feel the damn of tears that was welling your eyes for the last half hour spill. 

What a fucking disaster. What started as a hopeful night turned out to be one of your most streamed yet somehow also least successful broadcasts. The rush of viewers at the start provided you with a great boost, but after you didn’t engage again with the requests, your views, subs, and points plummeted, leaving you with a very slim payout for the day. This wouldn’t be much of anything for your bills once commission is taken. 

You don’t know how people do this. You feel like absolutely dog shit, and you even wrapped early, pretending that you were sick. But maybe you also aren’t really pretending, your stomach feels knotted and sour. 

Something about that felt wrong, but you don’t really understand why. It’s not like you’re prudish or fear sex. On any given day those kinds of requests stack up by the hundreds. But maybe it’s because tonight you finally peeled back the dismissive layer and let them in that has you feeling vulnerable and honestly, a little dirty. 

You wipe some stray tears from your eyes, stretching across the desk to grab your phone and pull it off of do not disturb mode. You see a few texts from Seokjin that he sent while you were streaming. 

Seokjin (8:17PM): Hey! I didn’t know you were supposed to stream yesterday. I would have let you leave early if I’d known.😞

Seokjin (9:15PM): Hey, are you okay? You look really uncomfortable. I know you’re playing and won’t see this until after you’re done but I wanted to check. 

Seokjin (9:47PM): Y/N, please don’t feed into these requests if it’s not what you want. 

Seokjin (10:02PM): Call me. The second you get this. Urgent.

You read the last text, which was sent twenty minutes ago. Shit, did something happen to the restaurant? 

“Y/N,” Seokjin says after one ring, his voice strained. 

“Um, hi Seokjin. I’m just calling you back because you said it’s urgent! Is everything okay with the restaurant? Did the snow knock power out or something? If you need me to come in tomorrow too I can help with stuff.”

“What?” Seokjin pauses for a second, his exasperation now turned to confusion. “No, Y/N. Everything with the restaurant is fine.”

“Oh. Then why did you call?” you ask. 

“Well, if you saw all my texts then you know I was watching your stream. And I just wanted to check and make sure you’re okay after that? Near the end you looked pretty upset.”

The warmth in your stomach you felt when you first heard his voice is gone, replaced by a sharp, gritty unease.

“Oh. Um, yeah I’m…fine,” but the tightness in your throat betrays you and a tiny sob escapes as the tears begin falling again. 

Seokjin doesn’t say anything as you sniffle into your phone, scrubbing the dribble away from your nose and cheeks with your sleeve. 

“Hey,” he says as your cries become softer. “Do you want to get out of the house for a bit?”

“It’s kind of late, isn’t it,” you say weakly. 

“That’s not what I asked. Do you want to get out of the house for a bit?” He repeats. 

Do you? Part of you is exhausted, tempted to just go right to bed. But you know if you lie down right now in the rest of that unfolded pile of laundry you might never emerge. 

“Ok,” you whisper into the receiver. 

“I’ll come get you,” Seokjin says. “Dress warm. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

When you were little, your parents took you on a road trip to get away from the city. You sat in the backseat, kicking your father’s chair grumpily on the first day, tired from waking up early and having to be stuffed into the car with the mountain of snacks, toys, clothes, and camping gear you had shoved in beside you. Your father was patient for the first hour of your kicks, but before long the steady thump thump thump on his lower back was becoming a strong annoyance as he navigated further away from home. 

“Y/N,” your father had sharply warned once he’d had enough. “Keep it up, and I’ll take your feet off and put them into my pockets.” 

While in retrospect the threat is silly and impossible, at the time, your five-year-old self was struck with horror as you imagined him sawing your feet off like the patients who were out in the snow for too long in that medical TV show you saw at your grandparents’ house once.

You’d tucked your feet underneath you until you were at a rest stop, where picnic tables and a small garden scape awaited you, filled with native wildflowers and lazy, fat bees that hovered from flower to flower. 

Your mother smoothed your hair with her hand, guiding you through the garden as your father bought your lunches from inside the building. 

“He didn’t mean it,” she’d said softly, feathering the tips of your hair across your cheek. Goosebumps prickled along your arms and you shivered, even though the sun was heavy and hot on top of you that day. “No one will take your feet from you.” 

You’d hugged her tightly then, still unsure as to why someone would try to take your feet from you. Your tapping in the car was mostly to keep you from feeling like you were going to be sick, but back then you didn’t really have the words to express yourself. 

When your father returned, he wordlessly placed your meal in front of you, including a large, fudgy cookie for dessert. Your father had always been proud, and even then when he didn’t apologize to you and promise he wouldn’t saw off your feet, being given a dessert was as good as any apology. 

He smiled when you licked the smudged chocolate off your fingers, eventually tutting impatiently so your mother would take you to the bathroom to wash up. Afterwards, you found him looking at a map on the building’s outside wall, with a bright cherry red You Are Here sticker signifying where in this confusing picture you were supposed to be. 

“There’s an observation point a few stops away from here. It’s supposed to be a really nice view over a valley. Y/N, do you want to be our navigator for those and help me decide when we should stop to look?” 

Laced in there was his apology. An opportunity at redemption, connection. You’d nodded instantly and scrambled back into the car, no longer upset about having to share your space in the backseat with all the cargo, ready to take on your role as your father’s co-pilot. 

You visited every observation point along that freeway that trip, all the way from the rest stop to the campground in some rural village. Some of the spots were lackluster, now overgrown and showing a view of a wall of trees and bushes and not some regal cavern or farmland below. But there were also the ones that, had you never insisted on visiting, you would have never seen half as much of the flora and fauna you’d expected to see on your camping trip. And it was the one major trip your family had ever had that made you all feel like a collective unit, ready to fight against the forces of grumpiness or foot-sawers together.

From that point on, whenever you saw the sign marker, you couldn’t help but feel a smile bloom on your face, which is why at this moment you are sitting next to Seokjin in his car, bundled up and stupidly beaming at him as he mirrors a happy but confused smirk back at you.

When he’d picked you up, Seokjin didn’t say much, just started driving north, through your neighborhood and into the rolling hills outside of the city. While this morning’s snow still clings to the trees and rooftops of some hillside buildings, surprisingly, the plows have done a good job of ensuring the road is safe and salted. You can feel the tense knots in your shoulders starting to lessen a little just from the feeling of being somewhere else for a while.

As you weave up the mountain side, toward the observation point, you gasp. 

“What?” he asks. “What’s wrong?’ His eyes bulge from his head. 

“It’s just that, I love observation points,” you say sheepishly, not sure if you should divulge your entire story. 

Seokjin nods, thoughtful. “I like to come up here sometimes when I’ve had a really bad day. Just need to clear my head. Seemed like you needed to do that too.” The car curves along the bend, some of the wind fluttering clods of snow from the trees and onto the road. 

“Yeah, I do…” You trail off, letting him take you higher into the mountain before pulling into the observation point. This one has some small cafés and despite the late hour and snowfall, there are still quite a few cars parked in the lot, some sets of families and couples strolling around with warm drinks and peering out onto the twinkling, snow-covered city below. 

“How’s your head,” he asks gently, and it takes you a minute to remember what he’s referring to. You touch the make-up covered bruise and shrug.

 “Eh, it’s not so bad.” Truly, as the day wears on, you are feeling a bit tender, but the swelling has gone down, and your worry has gone with it. 

Seokjin opens your door for you, ever the gentleman, and you try to fight off the harsh tug in your chest that likens this behavior to a date. 

The two of you head over toward one of the lookout points, leaning against the rail posts. You take in the rolling hills below, how soft and plush the city looks now, almost like it could never be a place where you feel sadness or loneliness. You sigh. 

“You don’t have to talk about it,” Seokjin begins gently, “but I was wondering what happened during your stream tonight.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” you assure him. 

Maybe this conversation would feel more uncomfortable if you didn’t already feel so awful. You are just trying to feel a little bit better about this whole ordeal. Trying to find in you some nugget of comfort to ensure a more stable future. And hell, Seokjin had made it seem so easy. But now, you are humiliated. You aren’t sure how you are going to go live again and go back to how things were before when the internet is probably making a giant laughing stock of you, or fetishizing you. You’re not sure which one is worse. 

“So, I know when we used to be, um, friends, I had mentioned to you that streaming is something I fell into. And as you also know from working with me, I don’t have the best social skills. Or I can, maybe, I don’t know. Anyway, I haven’t been liking it that much, really. Mostly because people in the chat always ask really personal questions about me and it feels weird. Like they’re real people but they can’t be real, to me. Does that make sense?”

He nods once, urging you to continue. 

“Right, so, in all of this, I’ve been trying to think of ways to make it more fun for me. And last night I saw you-YouTuber. I saw this YouTube streamer and on his stream he just seemed so cool, and smart. And he was able to both stay engaged without telling everyone everything and had distance. But he also was kind of domin-strong, he was just really good at telling people to meet goals and incentives. And it worked, they did it. I thought, maybe this could help me be better at this so I don’t hate it so much. I could make some persona, do something different that helps me better enjoy it or make more money. I don’t know. It seems stupid now when I think about it.”

“It’s not stupid, Y/N,” Seokjin says, turning to you. Your eyes flit to his face. His nose is pinkish from the cold, and his broad shoulders are tightly bound up to his ears to avoid the chill from spreading. 

“Of course you should like streaming, but if you don’t, if this isn’t the formula that works for you, then maybe you should try something different to help you.”

“How do you do it?” you ask, realizing too late what you are saying. 

Seokjin freezes. “Do what?”

“Um, how do you maintain confidence all the time? Like at work and stuff.”

Seokjin scoffs. “I don’t. You know that. Weren’t you just with me last week when I was bowing and spluttering like an idiot to Mrs. Yoon because that one repair man backed his car over her potted azalea? I was anything but confident then.” 

You fight a soft smile. Seokjin had been trying to scoop the twiggy, out of season bush into a bucket to salvage it before offering to replace it. Mrs. Yoon however, was having none of it, chirping on about how that plant had been germinated from her ancestors’ hillside home generations ago, and despite her choosing to carelessly plop it into a busy alleyway, she was sure there was no replacement that could soothe her aching heart. Seokjin handed her a wad of cash, and a gift certificate to the restaurant in an act of good faith. That seemed to shut her up. 

“You know what I mean,” you nudge. “You have an ability to talk to people though. Even Mrs. Yoon can’t say no to your mother’s bossam recipe when you charm her like that.” 

“First of all, no one can say no to my mother’s bossam recipe, regardless if I’m there to grovel or not. Secondly, you’re charming too, Y/N.”

You chortle at this. You? Charming? “Ha, I wish. But really, Seokjin. Half of that stream was an awkward setup and I thought I was going to puke. And not because of how I was dressed or anything like that. It’s so weird. I don’t really care about if people make comments like that about me because they’re impersonal. But knowing that I am sitting there, and everyone has some expectation of how I’m going to perform for them, it makes me feel awful.” 

“Tell me about it,” you hear him mutter, but he then recovers. “It sounds like that crossed one of your boundaries, then. Just because some explicit stuff doesn’t bother you, doesn’t mean that nothing ever will. And it doesn’t have to make sense. You can not care if strangers are talking about you sexually but care if you’re engaging with them and using sexual innuendos to do so.” 

Part of you is tempted to engage with the comment, to press him to explain and pretend that you have no idea what he’s speaking in regard to. But what good would that do here? Please Seokjin, can you share with me how being a gay sex cammer, which I absolutely already know about after watching you and masturbating to you, has impacted your life? 

God, how mortifying it would be for you. 

Instead, you let the comment go, cutting him enough slack so he can assume you didn’t hear him. 

“You know, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Seokjin adds. You shoot him a look. 

“I don’t really have much of a choice at this point! No offense, but it’s not like I’m making bank at the restaurant, and I already have chosen to withdraw from this term because of billing issues and–” 

“You’re withdrawing from school? Y/N!” He yells,  and you feel a heat of shame flood your cheeks as you see some scattered people shift their attention toward you. 

Now you were both embarrassed and pissed. How dare he scold you?

“Not from school, just the term!” you yell back. You’d made the choice in your spiral this evening, in between bio breaks. It was haunting you as you stared back at the packet of financial aid papers and billings notices. Streaming, you’ve now seen, is such a hit or miss game. And you truly can’t maintain the expenses that can cut into your work hours. Especially if you need to get a different job that isn’t streaming or working at the restaurant. 

“Is..is that where Spring Night Streams is coming from?” he asks, face flushed with embarrassment at his outburst. Your anger dulls.

“Partially. This felt like some way to sustain myself without it draining me. I thought maybe if I look pretty, people won’t just come and try to either ask me super personal things I don’t want to share, or they’ll just feed into basically the illusion of sex and pay me that way. And I can continue to play games and suck at them or be good at them, but the original reason behind why they came to my stream could be replaced with a different person, someone who isn’t so closely trying to dig into me.

“But, then I fumbled the bag, and you saw it. The viewer count was fluctuating so bad, and the second I interacted with that one comment, suddenly I was toeing the line for TOS and could easily have jeopardized my entire branding and be permanently banned from the website for sexual activity. Tonight was one of the lowest payouts I’ve made since I started. And now I know too, this could all just as easily go away if I’m not being…I don’t know. Compliant.” 

Seokjin makes a dissatisfied grunt, his breath coming out in a white puff. Now past eleven, most of the couples and families have dispersed, and the cute café that had advertised decadent looking hot chocolates is closed. The only thing remaining open is the tiny convenient store. 

You try to suppress a shiver but fail. 

“Come on,” he says, guiding you away from the railing and toward the store. 

Inside, the shopkeeper doesn’t even flinch or look away from his phone, which is streaming some sports match in Spanish. 

Seokjin places his hand on the small of your back as he guides you over to the drinks section, gesturing for you to select something from the warm options. 

“I wouldn’t recommend anything pre-made,” he warns, his voice low. “That stuff has probably been here since this morning.” He helps himself to a tea packet and the hot water dispenser. 

You browse a little and find a packet of hot chocolate. While it may not be the fancy, marshmallow delight pink drink that the café had advertised in their window, this will do just fine. 

By the time you’ve gotten your drink mixed together, Seokjin is waiting for you at the counter, a selection of different snacks piled high and a gentle smile on his face despite how bothered and grumpy the shop worker is toward him, practically smashing the food into a bag and muttering a total. 

You hadn’t given yourself a chance to really look at him before, but as he stands before you, you can finally take in how incredible he looks. While he’s wearing some gray joggers underneath, he’s elected for a long black puffer coat and green knit sweater and somehow looks so put together, so…boyfriend. 

Your heart flutters a bit and you try to tamp it down. This isn’t a date, you remind yourself, Get a hold of yourself Y/N. 

As you head back out into the chilly air, you both settle into a table outside of the convenience store, and Seokjin pulls the snacks out of the bag, all of which are your favorites. 

“You remembered?” you ask, a little stunned that he would commit all your tiny convenience store runs to memory over the months you’ve worked together and would split packets of sweet potato puffs and tiny, sweet cakes. He shrugs. 

“Morale is low. You need the boost. Now pass me some of those chips, I’m starving.” 

Your stomach growls in agreement, and you pop open the bag, nibbling away quietly. 

“You don’t need to people please to be a good streamer,” Seokjin says finally, rinsing his mouth with his tea. You chew your bottom nervously but wait for him to continue. “There’s tons of people on the internet who do streaming for all kinds of uh, stuff. And they make a ton of money without compromising their values to do so. Maybe instead of focusing on what you think people want in a stream, do what you want instead.” 

You sigh. “See, that sounds great and all, but when I tried that today, people got mad and left. Did you see all the donations trying to get me to say things or do stuff after that first one?”

Seokjin rolls his eyes, taking a big bite of a chocolate cake thing and chewing diligently. “Welrr,” he begins, his mouth stuffed full, “I guesh you have to undershtand dat peepo on dee internet will always chewz sex first to get what dey wan.” He swallows. “And if that doesn’t work because someone sets a boundary, fuck them.” He pauses. “Not literally!” A blush creeps up his neck. 

You laugh. “I thought you limited your swearing to mostly angry kitchen interactions,” you say, and sip the watery hot chocolate. You wince. 

“You chose wrong with that hot chocolate. I’ll make it up to you next time.” Next time. Your stomach leaps. 

“But you don’t see it because I’m trying to maintain a professional air most of the time. But I say shit, piss, cock and fuck pretty regularly.” Like when you’re camming, you mentally note. 

“Yeah, so, speaking of that. And boundaries. This isn’t really the most professional boss-employee relationship happening right now.” You gesture around you. You didn’t want to say it, but you know it needs to be addressed. Seokjin and you really need to figure out a new set of rules, especially now you know what he does after dark, and he’s watching your streams, too. 

He pauses and sighs. “Shit, yeah, you’re right. Look Y/N, I do want to talk about that. And we can address it. But before we do, I want to finish talking to you about what happened earlier today. Can we do a brief boss-employee dynamic halt for the rest of the time we’re up here? I want to talk to you as a friend right now, which we once were, even if it was for a short time. Will you let me do that?” 

You look up at him, and he’s gazing back with intensity, and also something that looks almost like desperation. 

“Okay,” you say. “For the rest of the time we’re out of the city. We are just two people. Friends. Not boss. Not an employee. Just us.” 

He smiles at that. “Yeah, just us.” 

Seokjin tried to not kick himself in his own ass for doing what he was doing now. Bringing you up here, to his safe place, was far too intimate of a decision. But when he’d watched the rest of your stream, watched you do stuff that– while he couldn’t be absolutely sure but he could assume– tested your boundaries and comfort, he knew he couldn’t just let you spiral by yourself. 

He’d been there before. During a show earlier in his cam career, Seokjin was once asked to try a more extreme kink on his stream which involved a thin metal rod that he would push into his urethra for pleasure. 

He’d agreed to try it before he’d even looked it up, and even when purchasing the equipment, he’d felt really queasy and knew he would hate it. But he’d promised, which he now understood was a fake law people set for themselves to push them past their limits. On the stream where he tested it out, he started shaking and crying, stopping before he could even open the package with the rods in it and ended his stream early. 

From then on, he had spent more time learning about kinks and BDSM. It was much more psychological and technical than he’d realized, with precise and careful movements, components of care, and more thoughtfulness than he’d ever really learned from porn or the internet. 

While he and Soon Yi had been exploratory in their sex life, it wasn’t like they’d ever done proper research when they were together. Looking at things now, he felt a little sickened knowing she could have gotten seriously hurt the times he choked her, not knowing the right placement of hands or pressure to make sure he didn’t cause permanent damage. 

Seokjin then reassessed his boundaries. He never wanted to position himself on his streams where he would succumb to pressure for money and compromise his own safety or desire. This was supposed to be fun.

The main tenets of BDSM are safe, sane, and consensual, which is hard to define on the internet. When something is leaked or found by the wrong party, it can especially compromise consent. With a permanent imprint of something existing once agreed upon, at any point someone’s right to withdraw consent can be invalidated simply because there’s a paper trail. And if that happened, then safety and sanity were sure to be called into question too.

Which is why Seokjin couldn’t stay silent after he saw you drawing breath after shaky breath after the first exchange with that follower. The instant regret that bloomed on your face as you so easily traded your comfort to make money, he never wanted you to feel that or experience it again. 

Which is why you now sat before him, the residual makeup from your stream still there but smeared, a thin looking peacoat doing a lot of work to protect you from the elements. This is why he said dress warm. Why were you wearing a glorified blazer in this weather?

He knew his time was limited with you, and that yes, he was already compromising this boundary that he’d set. But boundaries could be redrawn, and in this moment, he didn’t want the only thing protecting you right now to be that peacoat. He needed to protect you too. 

Granted, you probably were questioning his qualifications in this, and for a brief moment he considered telling you, but he quickly dismissed the idea when he remembered the video of him cumming and saying your name existed on his page if you’d ever gotten curious. Behind a paywall, sure, but it was there. 

No, for now, it was Seokjin and Y/N, friends. Us, he thought, and his pulse quickened unhelpfully. 

You sat in front of him, sipping at that awful hot chocolate, waiting for him to deliver more of his advice. He hesitated to speak more. Here you were, attention fully focused on him, and the dependence on him to get you home tonight, to move back into a world that wasn’t just you two and your own little universe, and all Seokjin was doing was considering how long he could carry on the pause. 

Maybe he would never speak again, and you would have to stay here forever, on top of the mountain as the snow began to gently fall around you two like you both lived in your own private snow globe. 

Wait, snow? Seokjin blinked, and sure enough the flakes were swirling around you both again, the wind kicking up your hair. You let out a sharp shiver, and that broke the fantasy of staying here. 

He ushered you back to the car, where now the snow was coming down in thick, heavy globs that signified the moisture in the air had increased, which made sense. Back in the city, the forecast had said it was set to rain, but he’d forgotten elevation impacts the weather, and that the change of moisture in the air also could result in ice on the way down. 

As you warmed your hands in front of his heat vents, he tried to think of his next move. It was now after midnight, which meant the road authority was probably not planning on plowing the roads anytime soon, and the accumulation quickly erasing the parking lot around you was a sure sign that it soon would be unsafe to drive. 

If you stay here any longer, you might be stuck together all night, an evil idea glinted through his head, and he felt a pulse of desire run through him as he caught a whiff of your soft, sweet scent. 

It would be kind of hot, the two of you snuggled in the backseat of his SUV, you clinging to him tightly to keep yourself warm through the storm as you used his parka as a blanket, the windows fogging up to give you two privacy as you moved tighter together, panting into each other’s mouths when you rubbed up against him and–

No. He couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t. Urging his steadily inflating erection down, he glanced over to you, noticing you were still shivering. 

He sighed. God, why did he have to get hard right now, in gray sweatpants no less? Nothing screamed “boner alert” more than seeing a dick swelling in light colored sweats. But you were still cold, and he decided he would rather risk you seeing him hard than your teeth chattering or you getting sick. 

Seokjin removed his puffer, handing it to you. “Here, put this on,” he ordered, and you looked at him, a tremor rocking through your body as you tried to eke out a “thank you”.

You began to put the puffer over your peacoat, but Seokjin shook his head. “I think your peacoat is useless right now. Maybe you should take that off and just wear mine. And then, consider getting a new coat,” he teased. 

You hesitated. “Uh,” you said. Seokjin’s eyebrow raised, and he swiftly adjusted himself in his joggers while you looked down at your coat before sighing and unbuttoning it. 

Fuck. You still had on that same top from earlier, and Seokjin could now see that it wasn’t just a sexy, low cut top that showed your heavy and full breasts, but that it also had a large keyhole cutout through the back, which meant you didn’t wear a bra with it. He bit his lip as he took in your hard and prominent nipples. God, no wonder you were cold. You were practically naked. 

His cock twitched, and any attempts he had at concealing his erection were useless. He was now definitely going to be fully hard for the rest of the drive. 

You zipped yourself into Seokjin’s puffer and let out a satisfied sigh as you nuzzled into the warmth. Seokjin took the opportunity to snatch your peacoat from your lap and drape it over himself, praying that would help conceal some of the compass-pointing-north bullshit he was trying to stave off. 

Unfortunately, you snuggled into his coat was just making it worse. 

Clearing his throat, he started the car, and slowly began testing the surface of the parking lot. It was a little slick, but nothing too bad. If you stayed any longer, though, you would definitely be here overnight. 

With a silent, sad nod to the outlook point, Seokjin prepared himself to head back to reality, where your moment of connection would be replaced by workplace congeniality. 

About halfway down the mountain, the snow surely turned to a heavy rain, aggressively battering down on the windshield and making it nearly impossible to find the lines on the road. 

“I’m sorry, I think I should pull over,” he apologized and you agreed easily, your shoulders relaxing a bit as he pulled over to the side of the road. 

“Well, we never really got to finish talking about stuff anyway,” you offered generously. 

Seokjin smirked back. “Yeah, we didn’t. Look, what I wanted to say earlier was that with streaming, you shouldn’t have to compromise on what you want to be successful. If people leave your stream because they can’t hear you baby voice their requests so they can get off, then fuck them. They aren’t the community of people you want to watch your content, anyway. Those are the type of people who are never satisfied, who will just demand more from you. Sooner or later they’ll be less kind and be aggressive and threatening. And you don’t deserve that, Y/N.” 

He sucked in a breath. “You just need a chance to build confidence, that’s all. Assuming you even want to continue doing these streams. I know you said you don’t feel like you have much of a choice, but maybe I could help you out. Uh, I could give you a raise or something so you could quit! And with school, too, I’m sure we could figure out something! Maybe if it’s not too late you could go back and––”

You held up your hands, signaling for Seokjin to stop talking. 

“I’ve made up my mind! And I don’t think giving me a raise or trying to help me with school would be a great way of maintaining that boundary we are supposed to have, remember? Something tells me a boss isn’t supposed to offer his employee an undeserved pay raise for her personal issues.” You huff.

You were right. Seokjin chuckled. “Okay, fair. I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to throw everything away like I did.” 

You whipped your head over to him. “Listen, Seokjin. I appreciate that you care and don’t want things to happen to me. But I’m also not you. And you also didn’t throw everything away but that’s another topic completely, one I thought we discussed yesterday morning. Regardless, I’m getting a lot of mixed messages here and I need you to help me understand what exactly is happening right now. Are you my friend or my boss? Because right now it feels like you’re telling me what to do like you are in charge of me but hiding it behind the guise of friendship and that’s not how this works. So explain. Ideally before you drop me off and we don’t speak again until Monday.” 

Seokjin swallowed hard, an anxiousness beginning to swirl in your stomach. This whole conversation felt like it was going south really quick. He scrambled to steady himself and took a deep breath.

“You’re right,” he said, running a hand through his hair. He hadn’t styled it today, and the black strands were sticking to his forehead from the melted snow. “I’m sorry. You have every right to decide. And you’d said before that this was a temporary pause. And even if it wasn’t, that’s also your choice.”

“Again, yes, you’re right. But I also don’t see why you seem to care so much!” Your volume raised in annoyance and you crossed your arms over your chest in a puff. “You don’t get to decide I’m some soft little flower who can’t advocate for herself! Like yeah, I feel shitty about what I did but I’m just trying to figure out my boundaries, just like you said earlier! So yes, I have the right to decide if I want to go back to school or not! Thanks for pointing that out!”

If he hadn’t been getting chewed out right now by you, Seokjin would’ve thought you were the cutest thing he’d ever seen, your mouth settled into a sharp frown and your eyebrows knit together as you argued with him. 

Instead though, he felt like a jackass. He’d seriously overstepped in his attempts to protect you, and guilt washed through him as he realized he was placing himself into your shoes. Even if your situations were scarily similar, you still had the right to do what you wanted without his interference. Besides, his intention was to provide safety for you, not control. Maybe he’d underestimated you earlier and how you were utilizing your stream. Yes, you were uncomfortable, but it’s not like you were a child who was set to be taken advantage of, or that you’d make the same mistakes he would.  

“I-I care about you, Y/N. We’re friends. I know being your boss changed a lot, and while I sign your paycheck and have to give you orders, it’s not like that change in role made me care less. It’s not that easy.” 

You uncrossed your arms. “But,” you started, your tone softening, “you can’t both tell me what to do as my boss and tell me what to do as a friend. I’m not clocked in, Seokjin. And that’s why this is so fucking hard. Because my boss is the one who took me up a mountain after apologizing to me yesterday for his “gross misuse of power” when I’m the one who kissed you sitting on a fucking prep counter! And yeah, we were friends before you were my boss, and that means I learned to work with you and trust you as my coworker, and we shared interests so you can watch my streams and tell me about MapleStory. We have history and it’s not something we can deny. But you keep acting like I am not in control, like I am not an adult. 

“I would love it if we could stay on this mountain forever,” you added, taking the words Seokjin was thinking earlier and making them real, “because, maybe then we could just stay friends. I miss you as my friend! And I wouldn’t feel so…weird now trying to figure out which guy, Boss Seokjin or Friend Seokjin, is talking to me.” 

Seokjin was unsure what to say, just that he knew he’d fucked up yesterday not just with his behavior in the kitchen, but ultimately how he set boundaries with you. 

“I don’t know what to do about it, Y/N,” he said weakly, honestly. 

“Can I then offer a suggestion?” Your voice sounded frustrated, on the verge of yelling. He nodded. 

“On this mountain, right now. You are my friend. And any other time when we aren’t at work, we are friends. We are not the first two people who started a friendship and had a power dynamic at work. I don’t know what happened in your past that makes this so hard for you, and you don’t need to tell me. But whatever you said yesterday, it wasn’t true. I want you to trust me when I say you didn’t take advantage of me. Was it kind of stupid and inappropriate on both our parts? Sure. But I’m not this weak, breakable thing. You said so yourself with my boundary-setting for my stream that I just need confidence to assert myself and make sure I don’t get taken advantage of. So let me start with you. Help me start with you.” 

You leaned a little closer and Seokjin’s heart beat erratically. “I promise, Kim Seokjin, that whatever happened in the kitchen yesterday was consensual. At least on my end. And that I do hold you in regard as my boss during work hours most of the time. But I can’t fucking stand if you continue to uphold this standard when you talk to me as an authority and then immediately pull a hypocritical move and try to be my friend after. It’ll drive me crazy.”

Your voice was shaky now, like you were holding back tears. Seokjin fought the urge to pull you close to him, but god, how he wanted to. 

“What you do need,” he asked and you sighed. 

“Clear communication. On both sides. No more deciding for me. On anything. If I say no at work, it’s just as valid as saying no in private, even if it’s something you think is what’s best for me. Even if you don’t like it. Because you don’t know what really is or isn’t until I tell you.” He nodded in agreement. 

“I can do that. And I’m sorry again, for how confusing this must’ve been. I acted selfishly when I decided that my position as your boss overruled and negated any of our history. It was never going to be as clean as I wanted it to be,” he apologized. 

You managed a sad smile but nodded, a sign you accepted his apology. 

“Thank you. And also, I do want to continue doing the streams. I didn’t get to say that before. I do want to try after dark stuff. Because it feels like it could be fun, could help me stay involved but less personal if that makes sense. And…” You trailed off, humming to yourself as you tried to find the words for your final thought. 

“I really would like it if I could have your help in this. To help coach me in a way to maintain that boundary. You did have some really great points on execution. And I think maybe your experience in cam-leadership and management could help me both continue doing this but also finding what I want. And I need a friend for that. Not a boss or manager.” 

Seokjin’s eyes widened as he caught the last of what you were saying. 

“Wait,” he said, trying to put the pieces together. Were you asking what he thought you were asking? “So…you want me to help you run an adult-only, after dark gaming stream?” You laughed. 

“I need you to be my confidence coach,” you clarified. “Help me learn how to say no to my fanbase and keep myself calm throughout a stream so I don’t compromise. And like, I don’t know. We can iron out the details, the idea is so fresh to me, but I need you, my caring friend Seokjin, to make sure I don’t break the terms of service again and ban me from streaming.”

He blinked a few times, unsure how you’d arrived at the conclusion that he would be any good at this. 

But Seokjin knew he would be. He did this multiple times a week, and it’s how he knew you were heading toward trouble. What if he could help you learn how to protect yourself? Because you were right, you didn’t need anyone to save you. But you maybe needed someone to show you. And he could be that person. 

“Okay,” he said, “I’ll do it.”

As Seokjin pulls up to your apartment nearly an hour later, you feel a slight sadness that your night is over. On the way home, as the rain steadily poured and the city lights came back into a clear view, you’d felt a tug of worry in your gut that because you were back in the city, your agreement to stay friends wasn’t real, and that any moment Seokjin would be cold and formal, withdrawing his agreement to help you with streaming. 

You’d had the idea in the car in somewhat of an epiphany, sorting through the confusing dynamic you’d been shoved into. It made sense to you, now. Instead of trying to model yourself after the master, why not learn from the man himself? 

Despite your initial anxiety that he would back out, Seokjin if anything is all the more reassuring, gently nudging you with your peacoat in his hands to signal it is time to trade. You nod sleepily, shrugging it off your shoulders and trying to ignore the disappointment you have in no longer being enveloped in his warm scent. 

As you tuck your arms back through your sleeves, Seokjin gets out of his side of the car, the rain still beating harshly, but he appears even more determined to open your door for you, opening an umbrella to keep you and your coat from getting pounded on. 

You try to insist on sharing the umbrella, but Seokjin shakes his head, guiding you forward toward your apartment complex’s front door. 

“Thank you,” you say as you step under the lip of the roof with him, smiling up at Seokjin, who is already soaked. His black hair is piecey and dripping down his face, plastering a few disheveled pieces across his forehead. “God, you really should’ve used the umbrella too! You’re drenched!”

Seokjin laughs a hearty laugh, the squeaky, windshield wiper one that makes your chest burn. “Please, that coat you’re wearing is pathetic. I had said dress for the warmth and you picked one of the worst things you could find. Even a standard issue blazer has more weather resistance than that thing!” 

“Excuse you, but this coat most of the time is fine. And also, I thought you were just saying it as a formality! If I’d known we were heading into a literal mountain I would have changed my clothes!” You bicker back, your laughter filling the space between you two. 

“Yeah, well, now you know for next time,” he says, eyes flickering with something you almost categorize as lust. 

You beam. This time the idea of next time feels possible. If Seokjin and you can work on these weird work boundaries, there might be a hope something comes from this after all. Unless he’s gay, which you still can’t quite figure out, but you try not to think about that as he shakes his head like a big dog. 

“Okay, Sparky,” you joke and glance down at your phone. It’s very late now, and your body is quickly succumbing to the exhaustion of the day. “I’ll see you Monday?”

Seokjin’s shoulders sag, and he sighs, stepping back into the rain. “Yeah, I should probably let you go now. I’ll see you on Monday. And Y/N?”

His lips turn into a smug smirk as the rain soaks through his clothes. “Don’t forget that you promised me a crate of julienned carrots”.

©2024 by jooniperbonsai

[antianakin]

Heyyyy, hope it's okay to randomly drop by! THANK YOU for the post on Jedi Apprentice!! It's completely ruined Qui-Gon's character in fanon and provided a very weird basis for anti-Jedi arguments, mostly based on third hand information filtered through fanfiction. The actual books portray such an interesting, complex storyline for Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon and it just gets flattened into "okay here's why Qui-Gon was the worst ever and Obi-Wan needed CPS to save him and clearly would have been better off without the Jedi." I am all for Qui-Gon having trauma and struggling as a master at times but the whole dang point is that ultimately Obi-Wan loved him and missed him and regarded him as a great Jedi and good man. That's just missing nowadays and it's so hard to find anything that portrays Obi Wan and Qui Gon's relationship as complicated but ultimately loving. Gahhh, it's frustrating!!!

It's not even just that Qui-Gon was a good person, but that he was genuinely a good MASTER. Like the period of time prior to Melida/Daan lasts maybe a few WEEKS. There's only a couple of books before Melida/Daan happens and they pretty much run from one event to the next over the course of maybe several days in each book. They BARELY know each other before Melida/Daan happens and then they're apart for probably a few months before reuniting when Obi-Wan calls for help. And while Qui-Gon does struggle a little during the Zan Arbor books (he seems to think they're doing a lot better than Obi-Wan does and doesn't realize just how much uncertainty Obi-Wan still has left), they seem to communicate just fine after the time jump to the New Apsolon arc. Qui-Gon's taking Obi-Wan on a lil vacation right at the beginning, he abandons the mission to save Tahl when Obi-Wan gets hurt because he recognizes his first priority HAS to be his Padawan, and when he hears a voice telling him not to kill someone out of vengeance he assumes that it's Obi-Wan. They clearly have a fairly positive relationship at this point and while Qui-Gon is struggling with other stuff during this arc, the relationship with Obi-Wan himself seems to have really grown and he actively DOESN'T just up and abandon Obi-Wan out of attachment. And during the whole finale, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon communicate really well, there's obvious trust and comfort and familiarity there that they can lean on now and they end up succeeding at keeping conflict from erupting due to their teamwork.

They grow TOGETHER and they become a really good master/padawan pair for each other. Yes, they had a complicated beginning, but it doesn't actually define their ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP either the way people seem to think it does. I constantly see people saying that Qui-Gon was always placing Obi-Wan second to his attachments to Xanatos or Tahl or Anakin and it just... isn't true, in canon OR in Jedi Apprentice. They're SO in sync in TPM, there's so much clear trust between them and the ability to communicate with very little actually said out loud. It doesn't stop Obi-Wan from expressing a differing opinion or his own frustrations when he feels it's important, but Qui-Gon also never holds it against him and Obi-Wan is smart enough and good enough to recognize when he needs to apologize and Qui-Gon's response is to tell him that he's a wiser Jedi than Qui-Gon is. Their relationship isn't any more complicated than any other normal relationship. It's just... a relationship between two people who can occasionally have a disagreement without it completely imploding the entire relationship.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's relationship is SO IMPORTANT, not just to me personally, but to the narrative and to Obi-Wan's character. Obi-Wan learns FROM Qui-Gon, in so many ways. He takes over Qui-Gon's mission because he loves and believes in Qui-Gon enough to recognize its importance, and Qui-Gon comes back even after death to help Obi-Wan one last time. The entire Kenobi show has him reaching out to Qui-Gon for strength and guidance over and over again, but he's only able to see Qui-Gon when he realizes he can stand on his own. That feels like the EPITOME of what a healthy master/padawan relationship looks like. The master guides, yes, but they aren't a crutch for the padawan, the student still has to walk that path themselves.

[theunchainedmelody]

Subjugator of Worlds- A "My Adventures with Superman" one shot about Kara & Jimmy

Rating: T for Teen Pairing: Kara/Jimmy I conquered planets, me and my father. Razed worlds that opposed us all for the glory of the Kryptonian empire. Even as my heart ached for my victims, as I grinned as I tore apart planetary champions, even as my father was forced to subdue the emotions within me that occasionally flared up… Even then I did not stop.

But then I came to this world. This backwater planet should not fascinate me as it does. And I find myself staring at towering skyscrapers unmarred by our weaponry, upon a civilization living a peaceful existence… It all captivates me so… None moreso than one of the first humans I came across on a city street. A man named Jimmy Flamebird. Seeing him, I wondered if all Earthling males were so enamoring to the eyes, but perhaps it no longer matters. He rescued me, not knowing I was the enemy, the conqueror. That his planet was doomed for I was the arbiter of its very subjugation.

Even so, I find myself wishing to hold back around him, to let him do with me as he pleases. He takes me to such amazing places to taste food I had not imagined, flavors far surpassing the bland military rations my father offers to sustain me. I’m falling in love with this planet, and that scares me in a way that taking on a battleship with naught but my battle armor ever could. I’ve felled such warships singlehandedly without a scratch but if Jimmy were to be hurt, I think I would crumble. I fear nothing on this planet more than him, my greatest temptation luring me into complacency. And worst of all, I don’t resist a single request of his nor do I wish to.

I came here to find someone, to find the one man in the universe who can understand me, and yet, I’m so easily being led astray. Curse these emotions, these wants, unbefitting of a warrior of Krypton.

Sexless.

Genderless.

Bred for war.

That’s what I am.

But around Jimmy I’ve never felt like more of a woman. He’s so handsome and so sweet. I feel bodily desires emerging I could never bring up in Father’s presence. I suspect Jimmy is not truly the planetary leader he claimed to be nor that we are drawing any closer to seeing my cousin. And yet I do not want the sun to set on this perfect day.

I’ve never had a perfect day.

All days in space bleed together.

I find myself silently apologizing to my father for my betrayal, for my hesitation, promising myself I’ll bring this planet to its knees to rectify this wrong. And yet, for that same reason, I hope Father stays away a little longer.

I need to find the person that will comprehend my loneliness, my might, my heritage…

But when I find him, Kal-el is not the warrior I had hope he’d be. At the time, I found myself overstimulated by noises and violence around me from some public mockery. Why would one as great as he subject themselves to this? I’d take the familiar ringing of ballistic missiles in my ears over this chaos. I do not wish to hurt these people, but my mind is telling me to silence the threat. Agitation creeps up my spine. That’s when I see my cousin clearly, and I feel so odd. Am I nervous?  Nervous like when Jimmy had so chivalrously cleaned that delicious ice cream from my cheek? I need Kal-El to give me something Father won’t, some wisdom… some guidance… an answer to the cold loneliness of conquest and deep space. Only to him, I’m part of the mockery of this world and he brushes past me without a second thought. No, to him, I’m somehow of less importance than the earthling woman I’d seen kissing his cheek. How disgusting, such fraternization with a lowly being.

And so, in my rage, I chastise him. And Father sends me upon him like a mad dog. I’ve always been his dignified lieutenant on the verge of conquest, but in truth, a mad dog off her leash is what I become in battle. It always feels good, and afterwards, leaves me shivering in fear of my own reflection. I see the people of this world trembling at my tyranny, and I know that as always, this is my fault. Father calms my emotions, and the next minute becomes a blur, but afterwards, it’s still me doing these things. Hurting Kal-El. Needing to hurt him. Needing to rescue him so that he can be where he belongs. With his own kind. With me. For a moment, my thoughts turn to Jimmy Flamebird, who I abandoned back in a burning city. I steel away the weakness that wishes to seek him out. And yet I wonder if the man has come to resent me for what I am and what I will do to his world.

I am Kara Zor-El of Krypton. And this is what I am and always will be. A monster. And I will never be free of me.

Notes: Please note this was written after episode 5 aired so episode 6 and beyond might contradict a lot of details I've assumed about Kara's lore and personality.

[jujumin-translates]

[A3!] Event | A Postman Delivering Your Feelings | Episode 9

Tsuzuru: Guy-san and I have finished changing, so we’re ready to go on stage now.

Guy: Since all the seats but the ones in the front row are free, it seems that more people have come to see our performance with their families than just the usual fans of the company. 

Yuki: True. It does seem like there’s a pretty wide range of ages.

Sakyo: So you were able to successfully resolve that fight from earlier, Takato?

Tasuku: Yeah, they were able to work things out.

Misumi: Thank you for working so hard to serve customers while I was away from the booth, Masumi!

Masumi: It’s not like I really did that much, I had Director helping me out a bit, and all that really matters is that you managed to sort things out.

Izumi: I’m not only grateful for Misumi-kun and Tasuku-san, but I’m also grateful for the rest of you guys for being so adaptable and accommodating while those two were gone. So, thanks, everyone.

Izumi: The audience is a little different from the kind we’re used to, but make sure to have fun performing like you always do, okay?

Misumi: ‘Kaaay! We’re off!

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Play Cast

Masumi - Riffle

Tsuzuru - Man/Lease

Yuki - Stamp

Misumi - Letra

Tasuku - Tiga

Guy - Carta

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Izumi: (A city in the near future filled with advanced technology. The young people living here have almost never used the post office.)

Izumi: (The number of post offices and their employees has been decreasing over the years, and letters sent out to the post offices are usually delivered by the office’s employees until the end of the day.)

Izumi: (Our story focuses on Letra and Riffle, who are working as new employees after easily getting the job due to the office’s understaffing.)

Envelope: “How many days did it take you to deliver that letter from the other day?”

Riffle: “I mean, the place was pretty far away, so.”

Envelope: “Regardless, it arrived way too late. What the hell were you doing…?”

Letra: “Whoa, Envelope-san’s really scary. I’m really glad that Tiga-san is my mentor!”

Stamp: “You’re supposed to call them senpai.”

Stamp: “Anyway, Tiga-senpai isn’t really all that different from Envelope-senpai, though.”

Letra: “He’s at least nicer when he gets mad!”

Stamp: “Maybe you should just stop doing things that make him mad in the first place.”

Stamp: “Letters are really important, so get going! And do it accurately! Make sure it gets delivered properly.”

Letra: “Hmph~, you’re only one year older than me, but you’re already so good at this, Stamp~.”

Tiga: “Stamp’s right. Both you and Riffle need to learn to stop taking detours and start taking your deliveries more seriously.”

Carta: “Even though Stamp is a newer employee, she knows just how important letters are and works very diligently.”

Carta: “That’s what we’re expecting from you and Riffle, Letra.”

Letra: “Got it, Chief Carta.”

Letra: “...That said~, I don’t even really know what a letter is exactly…”

Izumi: (New delivery employees usually deliver things together with the guidance of a senior employee, but sometimes they get to go out on their own to make deliveries.)

Izumi: (Taking letters by hand to places they’ve never heard of and heading in completely different directions after roughly deciding which way they’re supposed to go…)

Izumi: (The two newbies continue to do their work adequately every day.)

Letra: “Which house does this letter need to be delivered to~? Riffle, look for it with your binoculars!”

Riffle: “Got it. I’ll check right away.”

*Phone buzzes*

Riffle: “!”

Riffle: “…”

Letra: “Hm? Wasn’t that your terminal just now, Riffle?”

Riffle: “...It’s fine. Probably just someone trying to ask about my car’s extended warranty or something.”

Letra: “Huuuh…?”

Izumi: (One day, Letra and Tiga return from a long-distance delivery and are greeted by Stamp.)

Stamp: “Welcome back. Everyone’s doing deliveries right now. I’m just about to head out to do a delivery too, so if anyone shows us, make sure to deal with them. Later.”

Letra: “Okay, got it, see you later.”

Man: “…Um, excuse me…”

Tiga: “There’s a customer. Letra, you go help him.”

Letra: “Got it. …Hello~, do you have something to be delivered?”

Man: “I’d like to have this letter delivered, but…”

Letra: “You’ve even got a stamp on it. Alright, here, allow me to deliver it for you.”

Man: “…Wait, really?”

Letra: “? Yeah, I mean, that’s my job, so…”

Man: “Right. Then… please deliver this for me.”

*Man runs off*

Letra: “We hope you come again.”

Letra: “Okay, and the destination is… Huh, that’s…”

Tiga: “What’s wrong?”

Letra: “Nothing, just… It looks like it’s just addressed to Riffle instead of having a delivery address, but…”

Letra: “A letter for Riffle from someone who doesn’t even know his address, doesn’t it make that guy seem kinda suspicious…?”

Tiga: “...We’re not the ones to be the judge of that. Let’s go talk to the Chief.”

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Carta: “A letter addressed to Riffle? And the sender is…”

Carta: “...I see. Well, I supposed it’s time for him to face it.”

Carta: “Can you please give this letter to Riffle?”

Izumi: (Leaving the Chief’s office while nodding their heads, Letra asks Tiga if he knows anything about Riffle.)

Izumi: (Tiga also doesn’t have many of the details, but he tells Letra about the circumstances that led to Envelope becoming Riffle’s mentor.)

Izumi: (Having been told to give the letter to him, Letra gives it to Riffle when he returns from his delivery.)

Letra: “Riffle, I was told to deliver this letter to you.”

Riffle: “…Gh!”

*Riffle runs off*

Letra: “Wait, Riffle…!?”

Izumi: (Riffle reads the letter, gets upset, and crushes the letter in his hand as he leaves without saying a word. And the following day, he calls in sick…)

Izumi: (At first, they thought Riffle would come back soon, but a whole month passed and he still hadn’t returned.)

Izumi: (Letra then goes to ask the Chief when he’ll be back.)

Carta: “...I’ve been treating it as a leave of absence, however, Riffle has actually handed in his letter of resignation. It’s very possible that he won’t come back.”

Letra: “What…!?”

Letra: “But we came to this post office together… What’s the big deal, Riffle…!?”

Izumi: (At first, Letra wasn’t so sure about him, but gradually, he started to get to know Riffle more.)

Letra: “That guy who sent him the letter’s gotta know something. I remember the sender’s address. I’m gonna go and pay that guy a visit…!”

Letra: “If that’s what I’m deciding to do then… Excuse me, Tiga-senpai! I wanna take the day off today…”

Tiga: “...You’re planning on tracking down the person who sent Riffle the letter, aren’t you?”

Letra: “Uegh… Busted…”

Envelope: “If that’s where you’re headed, one day won’t be enough. I’ll approve three days of leave for you.”

Envelope: “...Please bring back Riffle. Even someone like him can end up being a cute kouhai.”

Letra: “Envelope-senpai… Yeah, leave it to me! I’m headed out now!

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Letra: “I dunno why you had to come along even though I would’ve been fine on my own, Tiga-senpai.”

Tiga: “Because I’m worried about you being on your own.”

Letra: “Hmph. Anyway, this area is pretty rural. One day really wouldn’t have been enough…”

Tiga: “The address of the house we’re headed to is over there.”

Letra: “Wait, here!? That’s a really big house! That’s obviously some sorta super-rich guy’s mansion!”

Man: “...Huh?”

Man & Letra: “Ah, it’s you!” 

Izumi: (Letra tells the man about how Riffle saw the letter and resigned. Tiga is stunned by how direct he is…)

Man: “No way, did he really…?”

Letra: “How do you know Riffle?”

Lease: “My name’s Lease. Riffle is my little brother.”

Letra: “You’re Riffle’s big bro!? Wait, so Riffle’s some super loaded rich kid!?” 

Lease: “He’s always been treated like a failure by our family…”

Lease: “I promised that as his older brother, I’d always be there to protect and help him, but I couldn’t keep my promise because I was sent to study abroad to be educated as the family’s heir.” 

Letra: “I never knew that about Riffle…”

Lease: “We kept in touch at first, but then things got busy and we just sort of naturally stopped talking.”

Lease: “And when I finally came back just recently from studying abroad, Riffle was gone from home.”

Lease: “I looked into things and found out that he was being treated even worse after I had left.”

Lease: “I think he sent me a letter before he left home, but no one at home ever delivered it to me.”

Letra: “Oh, I see… But I wonder why Riffle went outta his way to send a letter instead of just messaging you.”

Lease: “I was always so busy every day that I didn’t have the time to take the time to talk to him, so I’ve basically been communicating with Riffle through letters ever since we were little.”

Tiga: “For Riffle, those letters were probably the only way he could really talk to his older brother. They were probably like an emotional support for him.”

Letra: “Those letters were important to Riffle…?”

Tiga: “I’d say probably.”

Lease: “But I didn’t have the courage to meet up with Riffle and face him directly… That’s why I sent him such a bland, innocuous letter.”

Tiga: “Is that so…”

Letra: “...I never woulda thought that Riffle’s upbringing was worse than mine.”

Letra: “I get it now. Riffle was treating letters so carelessly despite being someone who’d know the importance of them because he was betrayed by them.”

Letra: “...Lease-san. If you think about it as being for Riffle’s sake, can you please write him a letter with all your thoughts and feelings about him in it?”

Lease: “But…”

Letra: “Do you want how things are with Riffle now to stay the way they are?”

Lease: “...No, I don’t want that… Got it, I’ll write one right away. Please wait for me at that cafe over there.”

Izumi: (And so, while on the way back after receiving the letter from Lease…)

Letra: “I wonder why Riffle even became a delivery person.”

Tiga: “This is just speculation, but… My guess would be that he couldn’t let go of his memories of his brother, or maybe that he still had hope for his brother in a letter… Or something like that.”

Letra: “I see… For some reason, I feel like it might be both of those things for Riffle…”

Izumi: (As soon as they arrive at the post office, Letra makes his way straight to Riffle’s house. He thought that Tiga would be coming with him, but…)

Tiga: “No, I think it’s best if you go alone, Letra. We’ll be waiting for you at the post office tomorrow. Now, go and give Riffle his older brother’s thoughts and feelings.”

Letra: “Yeah, got it.”

Letra: “Time for me to send the thoughts and feelings of a loved one to Riffle properly.”

[ ⇠ Previous Part ] • [ Next Part ⇢ ]

[differenteagletragedy]

HI HELLO any thoughts on Hugo and Leland from you-know-where (i may have a type)

As Hugo would say, "OHOHOHOHO"

I love Hugo, but Leland is everything to me. I am as crazy about him as I was about Baxter when I first played Our Life, he is my sun and moon and stars. I will stop gushing but just know that I could go on forever.

Spoilers for the game in case anyone reading hasn't played it!

-- When Leland said he'd never been kissed, he was not lying. So when you finally meet him in person after the study is over, he is NERVOUS. Hands sweaty and fidgeting, he stutters, it's a mess but it's a very cute mess!

-- He did very politely suggest that you don't kiss until you're alone, and when you do, he freezes. That boy does not know what to do on so many levels. Please take the lead.

-- Massive cuddler. But he's an active cuddler too, so if you're doing it while he's awake he'll be playing with your hair, rubbing your back, not trying to be sexual, just trying to be close. The first time you let him be the little spoon he WILL cry.

-- Definitely cries sometimes after sex too. It's just that he's so HAPPY and he never ever thought he would be, and definitely not like this, with another person.

-- I've been trying to figure out the rest of his whole life lol, I think he either gets a job at Ansel's place or something like that, something where he can move up and make a good career out of it but not necessarily something he's super excited about so he can save that kind of passion for other activities, or he does that for a little bit and eventually goes to school to be like a guidance counselor. Even if he doesn't go back to school, I think he would find happiness in helping kids, because no one helped him when he needed it.

-- Keeps the piercings and black fingernails though (and stays a gamer/anime nerd obviously!). He might get a tattoo or two, nothing major. He's a piercing boy! Eventually he does cut his hair (I think the way it is now is the result of a kind of alternative style and him just not really caring) and it looks very nice! Will blush if you tell him it looks very nice.

-- Keeping the gang together after the study is important to him. It's important to everybody, but he puts in a lot of effort to keep everyone close, and he reaches out frequently to check in on everyone. He's very perceptive and can tell if someone is acting off and is extra sensitive if he thinks anyone might be slipping back into that lonely feeling. He puts sooo much effort into this, but if anyone thanks him for it or brings it up directly he'll just hit them with a "lolololol."

-- Ok sorry lol HUGO. He moves in with you after the study is over, and spoiler alert, he's never moving out. He'd definitely offer when he gets back on his feet, but he's just so much fun to have around, why would you want him to leave?

-- The silliest boy. Just the absolute silliest. Will do anything for a laugh, almost literally. Especially if you're sad and he's trying to cheer you up.

-- He said that he's shy in person and he is! When you first meet it takes him a little bit to adjust, but before long he's his loud, silly self. You're going to have to watch him though, because at first he's going to sort of feel like he needs to earn his keep with you, be entertaining and sexy enough to pay you back for letting him stay with you. Please nip that in the bud and let him know that he can just be himself.

-- So eventually you're left with a slightly milder version of the guy you met that first day in the study. He's still forward and friendly and flirty, but he's more relaxed about it. He's not trying so hard to be the life of the party, he just naturally is.

-- Hugo and Leland are besties FOR LIFE. Everyone stays friends, but those guys are so tight. If you get married to one of them, the other will be best man.

[lizajane2]

Avatar the Last Airbender Live Action Episode 4

"I'm really starting to see the kind of person he is."

No, no Aang you're wrong. Zuko is under the impression that gaining his father's acceptance and love are more important. He's confused and lost. Just needs guidance. There is good in him.

"He'll listen to you." Sometimes.

Bitch no when Iroh and Aang are at the end of their conversation you can slightly hear Leaves from the Vine playing in the background.

How do you make King Bumi crazier than he was in the animated series?

"Look at the power you have. That's because of me."

Let me just scooch in here: "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!"

Not me singing along to "Secret Tunnel." LOL. I just couldn't help myself.

"You were a butcher!" Perspective is important here and I love that they added this scene with the earthbender because we've always seen Iroh as this tea-loving and wise old man who has a good heart, but you never saw the pain he caused other people with his actions.

This scene was spoiled for me, but I was not prepared for it at all. Iroh was alone in his pain and suffering, even Ozai his own brother didn't sit with him, but Zuko did. And I'm ugly sobbing right now. THE WRITERS KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH THAT RENDITION OF LEAVES FROM THE VINE!!!

They kept this in!!

Cause this:

Was so attractive to me when I was a teenager (I have no reason as to why it was). It's the little things that make me love this show.

Okay, the fact that they used Sokka and Katara's love for each other as a family to find their way out of the tunnel is touching. It's a weird decision but I don't hate it.

"You think like a child." Well, Bumi that's cause he is one. LOL. And I feel like Bumi has a right to feel that he was abandoned by Aang. That was his best friend and he just disappeared. I get it.

"You wanna come with me?" Zuko sounded so surprised.

"How about a friend?"

"Home. Everything I need is on this boat."

[ashleyh713fanfics]

Dazai X Odasaku's Sister CH14

Chapter 13: "He Doesn't Want To Be Saved”

Summary: As Odasaku's sister tries to find a way to make up for Dazai's missed birthday, she learns that it might not be so simple. Because why would a boy so intent on dying ever want to celebrate living?

Warnings: pm!sixteen year old dazai, suicide mentions, guns, manipulation on both sides, odasaku death mentions, dazai being a simp, protective ango

(This is chapter fourteen of my fanfic "Timeless" which is now on A03. I'll link the master list below so you can get the full story. Asagao's ability is to stop time for up to six seconds.)

Master List Here

A03 Here

Work Count: 6k

Ango placed a hand up to his face before rubbing his temple in order to quell the dull pain that resided there. This was the fourth week in a row that he had spent in his office alone and the man was starting to get used to the dim and windowless walls around him. 

The tasks in front of him were extensive, they always were for his line of work and the process had become a force of habit lately for the man. It was easier that way, working himself into the ground in order to keep his mind off his deceased best friend and the mistakes he regretted every step of the way. 

Because in some sort of sick way the agent still believed that he was partly responsible for Odasaku’s death. Maybe not directly but he was a spy in the port mafia, he still betrayed Dazai and Oda by telling the government all their secrets, the ones that he promised to keep. He lied, he betrayed them in the worst possible way and Ango knew he didn’t deserve forgiveness. 

And then there was Asagao. 

It had been almost an entire year since he last saw her in person but the government check ups he ordered seemed to show that she was doing fine adjusting to Yokohama. 

And he promised himself that he would be there for her, that he would take on that brotherly/ paternal role that Oda couldn’t do anymore but who was he kidding? He wasn’t equipt for that kind of thing. He never liked kids, and now he was responsible for the most important thing in the universe? How could he possibly be worthy of such a thing? 

In a twisted way, he couldn't help but look at her as an atonement, a penance for his past crimes. Because maybe if he kept her safe then the universe would forgive him as well, maybe he could finally have a good night's rest without the consent guilt on his back. 

But he knew it was wrong to look at her that way, to only see her as a bargaining tool of his own psyche. How despicable of him. She had nothing to do with all of this. Asa was just a lost sixteen year old child that needed guidance. 

And though he was sure he wasn’t equipped for that, Ango knew he had to try. 

He couldn’t fail anyone else, especially Odasaku’s little sister  

Sighing to himself, Ango then reached his office door before opening the surface and pausing at the familiar sight of crimson across his vision. “Ah, there you are! I’ve been waiting for ages. This is bad Ango, this is really really really bad! You gotta help me!” 

Almost immediately, the man felt his mind turn blank with confusion, watching the frazzled and fidgety Asagao race up to him in clear distress. 

And though he should’ve focused on many things, the only thing that he could comprehend was her cry for help. 

Oh no, what could’ve happened? She looked so scared and helpless like this. Did someone try to hurt her? Did something happen that the government reports didn’t pick up on?!  

Ango then reached forward in order to place a firm hand on her shoulders and stop her jumpy body language. 

No, it didn’t matter what happened, he would fix it. He had to. Anything to make sure she was safe. “Asa..h-hey..it’s okay..what happened..?” 

The girl only shook her head though, causing Ango to grip onto her even tighter, a sense of dread in his voice. “It’s okay, you can tell me. Does it have something to do with Dazai?” 

Asagao then nodded her head sadly, causing the agent’s blood to boil. He knew this would happen, he knew that allowing her to hang around a destructive force like Dazai was a horrible idea. He could only imagine how he hurt her. 

That selfish little boy, how dare he hurt the last remaining piece of Oda in this world. He didn’t care if the two used to be friends, Ango wouldn’t  forgive him for ignoring his warnings. 

Just then, he saw her lips start to quiver in reply, Asagao’s hand moving up in order to weakly grasp onto his buttoned down work shirt as Ango leaned in closer with anxiety at the sound of her voice.”Ango..I..I..”

Feeling his heart twist and turn at the sound of her broken little tone, the agent frowned, ready to tear down the entire city in response. 

Oh my god, how bad could it be? What possible could’ve had her acting like this?

Ango’s mind then began to run rampant, already coming up with a list of people to call and documents to get in order to take Asagao away from Yokohama. Sure, it would be tricky but he could do it, he could get her away from..

Yet that’s when Asagao finished her sentence, a whine etched in her throat. “I missed Osamu’s birthday..!” 

…..what?

Almost immediately, the agent felt his mind stop, his own eyes blinking in disbelief as he tried to process the ridiculous statement. That’s what this was about? She wasn’t hurt, she wasn’t in danger? All of that, for a missed birthday? Oh, you have got to be kidding me. 

Forcing his hands to fall from her shoulders, Ango’s lingering headache seemed to return ten fold, his fingers reaching up to the sight with a groan. He really was worried for nothing. 

Although now that his panic had passed, more questions seemed to appear in his mind. “Hold on, how did you even get in here?” 

Asagao only turned her head in reply, like the answer was obvious. “Through the door, duh. You're so silly Ango, how else would I do it?” 

Ango deadpanned though, knowing it wasn’t that simple. “You know that’s not what I mean. This is a government owned building. There are extensive levels of security. You can’t just..” 

Realization seemed to flash on her face then, Asagao clapping her hands up before wiggling a finger in air quotes at the man’s direction. “Oh yeah! That reminds me, you should really look into that. It’s not as “secure” as you think it is.” 

At that, Ango couldn’t help but widen his eyes in horror. 

Wait, did that mean what he thought it meant? Did this girl just break into a high level government building and illegally gain access to his office just to tell him a stupid statement like that? Forgetting a birthday, that’s what constituted committing a literal crime?! 

She was insane, literally insane. What if she got caught, what if things didn’t go as planned? Then she would’ve been in prison for something so incredibly stupid. 

Feeling a sharp shiver run up his spine, Ango then looked at the goofy unbothered smile on her lips only to thank the gods that Asagao wasn’t evil or else he knew he would’ve been screwed. 

 To have her as an enemy, he imagined it was probably just as bad as having Dazai as an enemy. 

Asagao seemed to notice his disapproving stare though, her hands going up in defense before frowning. “Hey don’t look at me like that. I tried doing things legally but the people out front wouldn't let me in and this is really important, Ango! I couldn't wait!” 

The man only let his shoulders fall in defeat, already utterly exhausted from this conversion. He knew that she was spazzy and strange but this thought process was way more messed up then Odasaku ever was. She was like the man turned up to a million.  

If only her brother was here, because right now the agent felt like he was clearly in over his head. “I don’t even know where to begin with that statement..” 

Walking over to his desk, Ango stumped into the chair only for Asagao to turn around to place her hands on the surface in reply. “Come on Angoooo, we are getting off topic. I’m really at a loss here, that’s why I came to you in the first place. You’re the only grown up I know and I really need someone to talk to about this. Pleaseee?” 

Then to add dramatic effect, the girl practically draped herself over his desk in order to bat her eyes as innocently and sweetly as possible, making Ango’s heart hesitate with guilt. 

Damn it, why did she have to say that? Why did she need to bring up that he was the only reliable adult she had in her life? How could he possibly turn her away now? Even though her methods were foolish, scolding her wouldn’t change that she had searched him out. 

Sighing to himself, Ango then closed his eyes before speaking apprehensively. “Alright, fine. What do you mean you missed Dazai’s birthday?” 

Then almost immediately, Asagao’s expression brightened up in order for her to snap back up with a clap of excitement, almost like she had planned her pathetic little act purposely to make him cave.   

But that was crazy, right? 

Not giving him time to think though, Asa spoke. “Right, so we were talking and the conversation came up but then when I asked him about his birthday Osu said that it was six months ago. He told me not to worry about it but how can I? I’m his girlfriend and I couldn’t even have the decency to wish him a happy birthday. Ah, I’m the worst, aren’t I?” 

Yet Ango couldn’t help but catch something else in her explanation, red flags immediately going off as his head snapped up. “Hold on, didn’t you say that your relationship is in name only? You just called yourself his girlfriend.” 

The way she said it, it seemed so natural and that was something that worried Ango immediately. He was only okay with Dazai and Asa’s relationship if it was surface level. But this didn’t sound surface level anymore. And that scared him. 

He then watched the girl pause before shaking her head to will away the idea. “Girlfriend, fake girlfriend whatever..you’re missing the point, Ango. This isn’t about that. Anyways, like I was saying I just..”  

Ango only cut her off though only, his tone sharp. “You’re not getting attached are you?” 

Practically jumping in her skin, he then watched Asa hesitate once more before stuttering out a reply. “W-What, no. Of course not. Osamu and I aren’t like that. Our “relationship” is by convenience, that’s all. I told you that. We use each other to get closer to Oda.” 

Sure, that’s what she told him but relationships change. Surface level things become deeper without warning and that was something that Ango needed to shut down the moment he sensed it. 

And the way she was looking at Ango right now was the man's worst fear. Her voice cracked on the first part of her reply, which meant that he had struck something unknown. 

Not letting her wiggle out of this one, the man refused to break eye contact with her. “If that is the case, then why are you so worried about such a trivial thing?” 

Not understanding, Asa scoffed. “What are you talking about?” 

Yet Ango simply gave her the hard truth, whether she wanted it or not. “Dazai’s birthday has nothing to do with Odasaku. You know that, and yet you break into my office because of it. Why?” 

It was a flaw in her story, one that the man couldn’t help but notice. Because if Dazai and her were really using each other for convenience and for Oda’s memory then why had she broken into a government facility and risked imprisonment for something that had had nothing to do with their original promise?

Watching her stumble on her words, Asa filtered with her hands  “Well…because..”

Ango spoke over again though, his accusation throwing her completely off guard. “Asagao, please tell me you haven’t fallen for him.” 

That was his worst fear, for Dazai to latch his greedy little claws into her so much so that she could never escape. He could so easily wrap her around his finger and make her do unspeakable things with the guise of love and Asa would know none the wiser. 

He could wreck her, destroy her until she was a shell of herself and this poor girl would thank him for it. 

No, that couldn’t happen. If that was the case then he would have to go back to original plan and drag Odasaku’s sister out of Yokohama as quickly as possible. 

But it seemed like the idea hadn’t even crossed her mind, Asagao’s face immediately turning a bright red in order to flap her arms around in distress. “W-What?! No, no no it’s not like that. I haven’t..I didn’t even..that’s not...you're wrong. I just wanted to do something nice for him. You know, because of all the things he did for me.” 

And for Asagao, the agent’s acquisition wasn't something she could comprehend. What was he saying, that she was in love with Osamu? What kind of crazy idea was that? Of course it wasn’t like that. 

Love? How could she possibly be worthy of such a thing with him? He didn’t even know her. Sure, maybe they weren’t strangers anymore but Osamu didn’t have the connection that Asagao had. He didn’t have years worth of letters to go off of. 

He knew her from the last year they had been together but even Asa knew not to get carried away by their relationship. Osamu would never have the bond that she had for him, and that was okay. She didn’t expect him to. 

Ango was getting carried away, there was no way things could be like that. Osamu would never fall in love with a freak like her, she knew that. That’s why the idea had never crossed her mind. 

The way they were now, it was enough for her. 

She couldn’t expect more. 

Sucking in a heavy breath, Asa then closed her eyes in order to calm her erratic heartbeat before answering his question. “You asked me why I’m so worried about such a silly little thing? Well because it's important. That’s why. Everyone deserves to celebrate their birthday, even Osamu. Thinking that he let the day pass all alone, without anyone knowing, it doesn’t feel right..” 

Asagao then watched a vivid memory cross her closed eyes, causing her expression to crunch up with sadness. “Especially since I know what that’s like.” 

She could still remember the feeling, every holiday and day lingering past her each year as she sat alone in her room and read her brother’s letters for a sense of warmth. No, she didn’t want Osu to have to feel that, so lonely and insignificant. It was painful. 

And it seemed Ango even knew what she had meant by that statement, his stern gaze softly with painful guilt in order for his shoulders to slump with understanding. 

Perhaps he read this all wrong, she was just trying to do a good thing for his old friend. 

So much so, the agent then sighed to himself before standing from his desk in order to place a warm hand to Asa’s head with a reassuring smile “You don’t have to look so guilty about it. Dazai told you not to worry about it, right?”

He hated how personally she took such a small mistake, that she blamed herself for her inability to predict every little thing. It was the biggest flaw she had, burdening herself with everyone else’s problems and calling them her own. 

Although her topic of conversation still struck something interesting as well, Ango’s mind wandering back to their nights at Bar Lupin and finding a gap. “But now that I think about it, Dazai never brought up his birthday to Odaskau or me, not once.”

At that, Asa couldn’t help but look up. Now we were getting somewhere. “Why do you think he never brought it up?” 

Ango only shook his head though, not having the answers she was looking for. Odasaku was always better at reading that boy than him. “I don’t know, I imagine it just never interested him..”

The man then frowned before whispering mostly to himself. “I mean, for a kid so intent on dying, why would he want to celebrate another year of living?” 

Then all at once, Asagao felt her eyes widen in heartbreaking realization. She had never thought about that before but Ango was right. Osamu wanted to die, he wanted to leave this world by his own volition. That was his end goal. 

And the idea of a birthday was about the exact opposite. It was soaked in life and celebration, everything that Dazai Osamu absolutely despised. 

After his many suicide attempts, after the world rejected to take him, she was sure that his birthday was like the equivalent of a slap in the face. 

Because every year that passed was a failure to him, it marked another eternity stuck on this earth, almost like the day of his birth was continuing to mock him for being unable to finish the job. 

No wonder why he looked withdrawn when she mentioned it. Asa probably brought back that rejection tenfold without meaning to. That’s why he brushed it off and told her to drop it. 

Damn it, now she felt even worse than before. 

There had to be something she could do to make him feel better. 

Lowering her eyes in silent thought, Ango then broke through the silence, his words laced with warning. “I know that face. Stop it. I know you mean well but getting wrapped up in Dazai’s suicidal tendencies will do you no good. It will end in disaster and you're just going to get hurt like that.” 

Asa only shook her head though, hating that he was right. Osamu’s world was so dark and sad, laced with loneliness and misery she could never understand. His desire to die surely stemmed from a mix of horrible experiences and feelings that he kept locked tight to himself. 

Feeling her shoulders slump in defeat, the girl was at a loss. “I just want to help him, is that so bad?”

Ango only softened though, his hand landing on her shoulder with a sad smile. “No, it’s not. I want to also, but it’s not that simple. You have to understand that Dazai’s been like that for a long time, even longer than Odasaku or I have known him. Any attempt to fix what’s broken is long gone.” 

Asagao slumped her head down at that, her blurry uncertain eyes boring to the floor. 

She would never be able to understand it, not fully. What made him like this? 

Because while she saw the good and the possibilities of beauty Asa knew that Osamu was the complete opposite. His life had only provided him with awful memories, memories that have always been incomprehensible to her.

But even still, she couldn’t help but catch glimpses of his past every once and a while. The way he would become strangely quiet and stare out Oda’s window silently while she slept, the way his eyes would narrow in deep thought when they watched a movie or the way he would flitch and tense when she tried to touch anywhere but his bandages. 

Something in his life had broken him, far beyond repair. 

And Asagao wasn’t stupid, as knew that crying to him or begging the boy not to kill himself was pointless. He was too far gone for that. The idea of suicide had been ingrained into every one of his cells, suffocating him and making him see no other option. 

After years of suffering, how could she possibly change any of that? 

Still not wanting to believe it, Asa grasped for anything she could find, anything that would heal his broken mind. “But..I..” 

Yet that’s when Ango cut her off, his voice serious. “Asagao.”

Looking up from her spot on the floor, the agent finished sadly. “He doesn’t want to be saved.” 

And that broke the final straw of hope that she had, the girl crumbling down internally as her entire face fell.

Ango was right. Dazai didn’t want to be saved. This whole birthday thing was a part of a larger much deeper scale, one that she couldn’t fix no matter how hard she tried. 

But could it really be? Could she really not do anything? Even after he gave her so much, even after Osamu’s presence calmed her heart back home. 

Right now was she truly utterly useless to him? 

Searching for an answer, Asa whispered. “If my brother were still here, what would he have done?” 

Ango knew the answer immediately, although it wasn’t the one she wanted. “He would’ve dropped it. Odasaku knew better than to dive too deep into Dazai’s problems and so should you.” 

Drop it? Really? Oda saw this sad broken little boy and he just ignored his problems? He never brought it up or tried to fix it, not once? He pretended like they weren’t there and went on drinking with Dazai like nothing was wrong? How could he stand that? 

Shaking her head, something about that sentence didn’t seem right. “But that’s what everyone else in his life has done. That’s what he’s grown up with, that’s what he probably expects..” 

Just then, Asagao paused, the words getting lost in her throat before her eyes widened with realization. “I get it.”

Why hadn’t she seen it before? Why didn’t she realize that? How could she have been so stupid? Oh, she needed to get to work quickly. There wasn’t much time. 

Then Ango watched the red haired kid immediately turn towards the door only for him to chase after her. What did that mean? She wasn’t about to do something dangerous, was she? 

Because that was something he wasn’t going to allow. “Wait, where are you going now?” 

Turning around immediately, Asagao answered back, her voice rushed and manic, like she was trying to process her thoughts by the second. “You’re right, Ango. Empty words mean nothing to him, and maybe backing off would be easier but that’s not going to fix anything. Telling him not to die, that’s not what he’s looking for.”  

Ango still looked completely lost though, causing Asagao to groan in frustration before connecting the dots for him. “Don’t you see? Osamu doesn’t want to be saved, he wants to be noticed.” 

Lifting her hands out in explanation, Oda’s sister continued. “How many years has Osu been alone, how many times has he let his birthday pass because he simply believes that no one will care and no one will hear him? He’s given up because he realized that it’s easier for everyone else to ignore him than to acknowledge his suffering..” 

Of course, of course that’s what it was. He didn’t want someone to pull him from the ledge, he wanted someone to notice that he went up to the roof in the first place. How many years had he been ignored, looked over, and passed off because of his inability to be understood? 

So much so that at some point down the line, Osamu stopped calling out, he stopped waiting for someone to see him and just buried himself in the darkness, not seeing a point in trying anymore. 

That’s why he didn’t bring up his birthday, because he thought that no one would care, that no one would ever acknowledge the fact that he was alive and struggling with the wish not to be. 

Oh, how lonely and isolating that must have been for him, to have given up hope. 

The ideology that her brother and Ango shared, it was only part of the problem. Ignoring his pain wasn’t going to make it go away. 

And perhaps acknowledgment it wouldn’t fix it either, but at least it would show Dazai that she was looking at him, that she saw him. 

He wasn’t alone, she would walk right beside him for as long as she was able. 

Because of that, for the first time in her life, Asagao couldn’t agree with her brother’s choice. ”But I will always acknowledge it, I won’t ignore it like my big brother. I refuse to let him suffer alone.” 

Balling her hands into fists with determination, the girl then turned around in order to leave only to hear Ango’s voice once more. “Why? Why are you pushing yourself so hard for him? Dazai isn’t the kind of person that would ask you to do this.”

Asagao only nodded her head though fully aware of that. “I know.”

She knew Osamu wouldn’t have expected such a thing for her, but that’s why she had to do it more than anything else. Because he was worth it, and although he may have not believed it, he deserved only the absolute best in life. 

So what if he never outwardly cried out for help? That just made his desperate silence even more prominent. 

Ango then watched Oda’s sister pause by the door, her hand on the side of the frame as her next words caused a ring of newfound clarity to appear in his eyes.

“But those are the kinds of people that need it the most.” 

--------

Turning the lock to Odasaku’s apartment, Dazai happily skipped inside in order to throw his usual black jacket on the floor and kick off his shoes with a holler. “Asa-chan! Your favorite person is here!” 

Almost as if on cue, the girl herself came racing to the entryway, her face the epitome of sunlight as she waved towards him. “Oh, Osu! You’re just in time. I’m almost done with dinner.” 

Dazai only hummed at that, already making his way towards the table in the corner as his stomach grumbled with reply. 

He never liked eating before but ever since he visited Asa’s place more frequently the boy found himself looking forward to whatever would be waiting for him. 

Settling down at his usual spot, Dazai placed his hands onto the table before hearing the soft humming from Asa as she moved through the kitchen causing the boy to close his eyes in contentment.

He hated how relaxed he was in this mutate and normal atmosphere. It contrasted the cold port mafia basement he had that spend the first half of his day in.

In fact, it was like night and day, the boy finally able to un-tense his shoulders and breathe for the first time in hours.

Although that’s when he heard Asa’s voice from the kitchen, just as sweet as always. “Hey, Osamu. Can you do me a favor and close your eyes for a sec? I wanna show you something.” 

Lifting his head up with amusement, the boy called back, fully intent on teasing her. “So bold, Asa-chan. You plan on attacking me while I’m defenseless? Although now that I think about it, dying by your beautiful fingers wouldn’t be a bad way to go so I'll allow it.. “

Then as promised, Dazai closed his eyes, leaning back on his arms as wistfully thought about that possibility. He wasn’t kidding when he said he wouldn’t have minded her killing him tonight.

Usually the boy wouldn’t have let his guard down like this with anyone but on the off chance that Asa did betray him the executive knew he’d be okay with it. At least he would die in this nice warm place.

Perhaps she would hum for him while she did it also? That sounded like the prefect way to die. 

He then vaguely heard Asagao’s footsteps sound around him before hearing the light behind him click off before she spoke again, anxiety in her tone. “Alright, open them!” 

Dazai then did as she asked, opening his eyes before the soft glow of a tiny flame welcomed him, only to look down to find a small circular strawberry cream filled cake below it. But what was this? 

Looking up with confusion, the boy then opened his lips only for Asagao to speak above him, her voice rising to a sing-songy tone. “Happy Late Birthday, Osamu!” 

And almost instantly the boy was stunned, Dazai not knowing what to say only for Asa to continue in his place. “I know, I know what you’re going to say. But I already missed way too many of your birthdays’ I couldn’t miss another one.” 

He then watched her hesitate before reaching underneath her in order to pull out a stack of colorful folded construction paper in order to place it on the table. “Besides, who knows how many of them you’ll be around for before you go. That’s why we should treat every single one as special.”

Then the girl simply slid the stack over to Dazai with a shaky nervous smile as the boy picked up the first one on the pile with confusion. Just what was her plan, and why did she look so anxious for him to look at these? 

Although Dazai got his answer the moment he opened the paper, his eyes greeted by a homemade drawing with big huge bubble letters and a short message underneath. 

----

Happy 1st Birthday, Osamu

I'm glad you were born.

----

Feeling his fingers turn numb, the boy then quickly closed the sight before immediately reaching for another folded paper, this time in the middle of the stack. No, it couldn’t be. These weren’t, they couldn’t be..

----

Happy 13th Birthday Osamu

This is the year I first heard about you from Oda’s letters and I wouldn’t have in any other way. You gave me so much hope and wonderful feelings. You may have seen this day as a failure but I’m glad you made it another year so I could know who you are. 

-----

They were. They were birthday cards. Counting the folded pieces of paper immediately, the boy gasped. Sixteen, there were sixteen cards, one to represent every single year she wasn’t there. She made these for him. 

Not knowing how to process the gesture, Dazai stared dumbfounded at the brightly colored pieces of paper. Asa went through so much effort for him, why? He told her to drop it. He wasn’t expecting her to care this much. 

No one ever cared this much. 

Not knowing if he wanted to continue and yet feeling the desperation to even so, the boy then reached for the final one in the stack with a shaky breath of uncertainty. 

-----

Happy 16th Birthday Osamu 

I know you want me to forget that I missed your birthday but I simply can’t do that, Osu. Because this is the first year I have the honor of saying to you in person. All the other times I silently spoke it through the letters but this time I’m going to get it right. So, here it goes. 

I know how you probably look at this day. You see the failure, the mockery of another year alive but the time we spent together this past year has been a gift to me.

The things that you despise like your very existence or even waking up in the morning to see another day, I can't help but be grateful for them because it means I get the privilege of sharing my life with you for just a little bit longer. 

And just as I cherish them, I hope you do too. So much so then when you do finally leave this world you may realize that not everything in life was bad. That someone noticed you when you thought no one ever would. 

You are the most important thing to me, Osamu. 

Thank you for being alive another year.  

----

Once he was done reading, Dazai remained silent, his eyes glued to the page as a heavy wave of emotion coursed through him. It made his throat close up and his chest ache with unspeakable pain by the second. 

No one had ever thanked him for being alive before. 

These letters, she wasn’t trying to get him to live, she wasn’t shaming his desire to die. No, she had acknowledged his wish and yet thanked him for it. 

God, he felt like he couldn’t breathe, like he was dying from his own faltering body. What was wrong with him? Why was his hands shaking on these cards, why was his eyes stinging with pain and his throat closing up against his will? 

Asagao on the other hand watched his reactions with anxiety, her fingers flittering under the table before standing up in order to get the rest of dinner. 

Perhaps her cards didn’t do much but it was worth a shot, at least he knew she was thinking about him now. 

Yet that’s when she felt two arms reach around her waist, pulling her backwards into Dazai’s chest as he buried his messy brown hair into her shoulder in order to hide his expression. 

His grip was firm and tight, unable to let her move or turn around, almost like it was on purpose so she couldn’t see his weak and fathering display from just behind her.

 Asa didn’t mind though, allowing her body to still as she felt him squeeze her midsection in a silent thank you for not pushing it.

How could she break his rules when he was holding her with such warmth and desperation? She couldn’t, not when he was showing her such a fragile side to himself. 

And this was the first time without the blindfold that she had been allowed to witness the crumbling inner boy that was Dazai Osamu. 

Of course she couldn’t see him given their position but she could feel his hands and the trembling frantic hold he had as he tried to tether her to the world. 

Asagao didn’t argue with that though, happy to be his anchor of hope that life could be a tiny bit better than what it was. He could cling to her as long as he needed to and as tightly as he desired because she wasn’t going anywhere. Not ever. 

So much so, the girl then lifted her hand up before lightly touching the hands that were holding her, her fingers tracing over the bare skin as Osamu twitched at the contact before allowing her to rest her palm on top of his lovingly and in absolute silence. 

They stood like that for what seemed like forever, listening to each other's shaky breath before Dazai finally muttered under her shoulder. “You think of something too.” 

Not understanding, Asa’s hand fell from his before shifting her head in confusion. What was he saying? What was she supposed to think about? 

Yet that’s when Osamu spoke again, his head lifting from the safety of her shoulder. “I missed all your birthdays also. So think of something you want to make up for them.” 

Feeling her eyes to flash with realization, Asa immediately felt her lips curve into a warm smile. He was trying to meet her halfway, wasn’t he? How sweet. The scary demon prodigy wanted to get her a birthday gift. 

Although, just the thought was enough for her, not wanting to step on any toes. “Oh, thank you but I couldn't possibly want anything. Just being with you is enough.” 

Dazai only frowned though, immediately twisting his hands around in order to flip the girl so that she was facing him. Why couldn’t she make this easy? He was trying to do something nice for the first time in his life and she wasn’t giving him any ideas. 

He couldn’t just live with her choice. Giving her nothing would’ve been like a slap in the face considering the care and time she put into him. 

There had to be something she had wanted, something that he could provide.

Yet that’s when his mind flashed back to the couple days ago only for his face to light up with twisted realization. There was one thing he knew she was interested in, something she kept asking him about…

Putting his hands on her shoulders, Dazai then smiled in sick joy before speaking. “Aw come on, Asa-chan. I think we both know that’s not true, there is something you want, something you’ve been bugging me about.” 

The then boy paused speaking the words he knew Asagao wouldn’t be able to resist. 

 “How would you like to play with my dog again?” 

[greenboyfriend]

tarot deep dive with me: the hermit

the hermit is an interesting card not only because it's part of the major arcana, but also because its meaning has seen some discrepancies over the years. the image above is from the ryder-waite-smith deck, which depicts the hermit as someone who offers knowledge instead of seeking it out. he shows others the way and uses his lantern to clear the path. notice how he's holding it up- this represents the heights he's achieved in his life, as well as those that his students would like to earn.

before we talk more about waite's interpretations of the card, i want to go back to discuss older interpretations, as well.

if you know about the tarot's history, then you'll know that it originated as a playing card game (a trump card game, more specifically) southern italians would play. before tarot was used for divination, the hermit was more or less a symbol for the passing of time. often, he was depicted as a man who had achieved lots in life- as is evident by his nice clothing- but knows that his time is limited. in some decks, he was known as father time himself.

here he is in some nice robes, the blue one's even embroidered!!

another thing worth noting about the hermit is his association with saturn. saturn represents old age, hard work, and isolation. this includes people who receive little for their efforts, and melancholic types whose lives must be lived alone. already, associations with this card begin to blur.

what was once an hour glass turns into a lantern when the tarot hits france, and we begin to see more and more depictions of the hermit traveling. he is named "L'Ermite"* forever and always.

his association with time is lost in favor of showing us someone who lives in solitude, quietly searching for knowledge within himself. he abstains from the social scene or any kind of passion to continue his quest for wisdom.

as occultism spread in france, so did the hermit's interpretations. some were obsessed with the hermit representing the fourth virtue of prudence, since the other three- strength, justice, and temperance- were already found in the tarot. some argued that his thick cloak was used as a sort of membrane, to emphasize this virtue.

prudence is not seen as reservedness in this context, but instead as a means to differentiate between good and bad. honestly, it just reminds me a lot of the lovers and judgement; it is the ability to learn from your mistakes, make good choices in the present, and prepare for the future.

you can see that especially here, where the cloak's exterior is drab, but its interior flaunts a royal blue.

all of this leads us back to waite, who completely refuses these interpretations. he argues, instead, that the hermit is a teacher, providing his students light in their own paths. in this deck- which is at the very top of this post- he is standing on a mountain for the best visibility, lantern in hand.

like most things in life, we can do a lot with a little temperance. if we take all of these interpretations, we can greatly expand our expertise. much of the time, you see this anyway: the need to do a "social media detox" and separate yourself from the world to find the answers within, for example. within that story, your own intuition can play as your guide.

what i also find interesting is finding knowledge from within/without. in none of the examples does the hermit find wisdom from without, but when it comes to reading for someone, it can often be what the cards are nudging them to do. it's not always easy to differentiate between these meanings- to tell someone to seek outside guidance or to search within. this is why the other cards in the reading are so important, as well as and especially your own intuition as the reader. if your heart says yes, then it is, and if your gut says no, then its not. this is my own method, however. find what works best to tap into your own intuition!

before i conclude this ramble session, i wanted to do some examples of how the hermit could appear in a reading.

knowledge from without

for this example, i asked for cards that would imply that i would need to seek out knowledge, with the hermit present. i pulled the 4 of pentacles, the 8 of swords, and the ace of wands reversed. for this hypothetical person, you could assume that maybe they've looked inwards to excess, to the point of halting all change in favor of their "preferred" status quo. however, the 8 of swords tells us that they're not seeing the full picture, and if they were to strike out on a new path- as the ace of wands implies- they may find some help- the hermit.

knowledge from within

for this one, i asked the cards to show me a situation where i would need to search for answers from within. i pulled the 8 of swords, temperance, 10 of swords reversed, and the page of cups. oh, and the hermit of course. so, someone is feeling trapped; they can't see the full truth of their situation. they need to try something different! bring something new into the mix, maybe. the 10 of swords tells us that they've been feeling very down, perhaps because of people around them. the page of cups tells us that they must express their feelings, as to not get trampled. however, the hermit says that they should take a minute to reassess their situation before acting, and temperance furthers this by only dipping her toe in the water-- not doing too much too fast.

secret third thing

this one i just asked it to go ham. if you're reading this and it resonates with you, there's probably a reason why! anyway. i pulled the hermit, temperance, 8 of swords (back at it again), 2 of swords, the lovers, and the queen of pentacles.

this certainly seems like a "within" sort of situation. something is blocked because someone won't express their feelings, potentially in love but not necessarily. it could mean, more so, someone being challenged with their beliefs. this has the potential to change the balance of things, especially if no action is taken. this may have to be about how they treat others and themselves, have they been stingy with their time or emotions? it could be that, whoever you are, you're feeling trapped and isolated, but the solution is as easy as joining with others. trust in those around you and share with them what they have shared with you. maybe it will take a little soul searching to conjure up the exact solution, but know that it lies strongly with the queen of pentacles- being generous, kind, down to earth and resourceful.

anyway that's it. lmk if u enjoyed because i could do this forever tbh. yahoo special interest!! anyway have a great day.

*pardon the quotation marks there's just no way im going to go through the trouble of pasting les guillments, ok? french people will survive this

[pinksilvace]

Hey fern, what if you dropped a top 10 favorite cats the musical characters list

omg 😳😳😳 maybe we could find out 😳😳😳

1: Alonzo

Surprise, surprise, I know. Silly little vain/uncertain/bravado guy. What is he doing. I just know he's so full of anxiety but he's also probably emotionally illiterate. He's SUCH a big bro figure in my brain in a number of ways, but mostly because I think he'd be the kind of guy to try and fix problems, fail, and dejectedly call for mom's help after the fact.

There's not much I can say about Alonzo that I haven't already said:

Here's where I ranted about his adjectives.

Here's where I ranted about his design for the Egg Cracker Bracket.

Goodness knows I've probably ranted across many many many tags as well. Idk man he's just so Gender to me and I think he's really funny and I love that he's a bit of a loser depending on how much the actor plays up the "uncertain" part of his character (the one that prominently comes to mind is here during Grizabella, the Mac scares, the end of M&R, and the IMMEDIATE change in demeanor during the Song of the Jellicles). I LOVEEEE that he's often shown to despise Tugger; it's such a funny dynamic. I love that different productions have him looking to Munkustrap, Skimbleshanks, and Cassandra for guidance. I love that fics make him a bit of an ass sometimes. For whatever gripes I have with Broadway revival choreo, I also love that it gave him some more character moments than he used to :D.

Every depiction of Alonzo I see gives me a new, interesting look at the character. I have yet to find one I dislike.

Aghhhh we've reached the point where this ranking gets really hard 😭😭😭 LMAO

2: Demeter

She was my favorite when I first got Really into cats circa 13 years old. I'll forever be bitter that she had no presence in 2019. She's LITERALLY the second most important character for the sake of the plot and they just LEFT HER OUT??? Just because she's hard to recognize after only a single watch or two??? hhhhhhhhhhhhh

The way actors portray her is ALWAYS entrancing. If cats is Subtext: The Musical, Demeter is Subtext: The Character. The Macavity number??? Come ON. The fact that she opens the show? Her reactions to literally everything??? Oughhhh sometimes she makes me want to chew on concrete.

Sometimes, there are portrayals of Demeter that I dislike, though. I guess it makes sense for a character whose words are skittish/cautious/paranoid, but sometimes, those traits seem to supercede her personality, which is always a shame. I particularly enjoy her interactions with Munkustrap and Bombalurina, of course, so when those are overshadowed by just how scared she is, I think it tends to weaken stuff overall. After all, those relationships thrive on how they interact and curb that fear.

I don't spend nearly enough time thinking about Demeter and it's an absolute travesty. Ma'am you are the heart and soul of the show to me. You keep everything thematically linked together. I love you

3: Munkustrap

I think that Munkustrap might be the definition of a comfort character for me. His mental health is rock solid. He's so dad-coded it's unreal. I desperately need to watch a production of Cats and only focus on Munkustrap, because his interactions with everybody are spectacular. There is so much character fit into this guy. He's also entertaining to me because I would NOT guess his adjectives, ever; they always come across as a characterization secondary to his role, and I like that quite a lot.

And oh my gosh, his DESIGN!!! I think Munkustrap has some of the prettiest makeup in the show, and his whole look is pleasingly cohesive. There's so much happening on his face, but when it's good, it's PHENOMENAL.

COME ONNNNNNNN, the HIGHLIGHTS on those WHISKERS??? The gradients on the cheeks and nose??? oooohhhhhhh it pleases me IMMENSELY. I also really like how the makeup blends into the wig, and the shape of the wig is also one of my favorites in the show - especially when it's a bit droopy, like Michael Gruber's in '98.

let's not forget about the collar

Anyway YEAH!!! He's one of my favorites to see actually moving onstage, consistently has a beautiful voice, and has some of my favorite relationships in the whole show :D

4: Admetus

This is a bit of a cheat listing. I really don't think about Admetus that much, but I would REALLY like to think about him more. I want to know what his deal is. Like Munkustrap, I think he has some fascinating relationships onstage that all present very differently - his time spent with Tumble/Pounce, Victoria, and Alonzo come to mind.

But also

THE MAKEUP

THIS LOOK WITH THE BIG LOWER LASHES??? GIRL HELP YOUR CAT IS GNC AS HELL. EASILY my favorite cats makeup look EVER. I know it's just because they have to slather on Mac's stuff later but I love that most of the face is left plain so they went absolutely ham with the eyes. It's the opposite of Munkustrap's. Brilliant.

anyway yeah he looks cool and I think his role in the tribe is in a really interesting flux stage

5&6: Pouncival and Tumblebrutus

They are a pair... do not separate

okay okay OKAY I know I often talk about my favorite characters in terms of how funny they are, and these guys??? Absolute clowns. The product is exactly what's written on the tin; they sure do pounce and tumble!!! Even a few weeks ago, they probably wouldn't have been so high on the list, but writing CFP and forcing myself to learn more about their characters as a result has skyrocketed the amount of love in my heart for them. If I had to choose, I'd probably say that I like Pouncival just a tiiiiny bit more since I think he's more memorable and I prefer his design, but the way they both look up to almost everybody else in the show is intoxicating to watch.

My favorite moments of these two are, of course, Pounce here (2:35 onward) and Tumble here (2:14:25 onward). I just think they're neat.

7: John Partridge The Rum Tum Tugger

(Okay, but, like, John Partridge is the ultimate here. My second favorite is probably Zach Bravo since his take on the character is so different, but there might never be a Tugger as suave as Partridge ever again.)

Going back to his antagonistic relationship with Alonzo, I think it's interesting that they share "vain" as a descriptor. I also think that Tugger's relationships are interesting in that a lot of them aren't necessarily dissimilar with one another (they're all quite teasing, whether romantic or platonic), but they are unique to him. The dynamism of his character is probably what makes me like him the most; I love how he code switches between his own number, Old Deuteronomy, and Mr. Mistoffelees.

Aside from all that, come on. The swagger is magnetic. (I'd write more but my fingers are starting to hurt)

8: Bombalurina

women <3

(I do have additional thoughts about her character! She's intelligent, generous, and flirtatious, and though she's always seeking romantic/sexual attention, those interactions are always secondary to her relationship with Demeter, which is something that I really like. Depending on the performer, she can easily come across as one of the strongest characters.

...but yeah. women <3)

9: Skimbleshanks

(swings microphone around) I am once again answering on the basis of "I just think they're funny"

Seriously though, at this point, there are so many characters that could make it onto this list. I think Skimble juuuuust made it here because EVERYBODY loves him, and that just makes me love him more. He and Mistoffelees definitely seem like the most popular choices for fanart from folks outside of the fandom, 2019 or otherwise.

Also, whenever I need an answer in Quiplash and can't think of anything, I put in Skimbleshanks, and without fail, somebody always votes for it, even if they have no idea who (or, in their mind, what) Skimbleshanks is.

There's not a single thing I dislike about this cat or his number; I couldn't possibly begin to list everything here. I just haven't thought particularly hard about him as a character yet.

10: Electra

I must admit that I've barely spent any time at all thinking about Electra. HOWEVER, her interactions with Munkustrap are adorable, and the single father alonzo fic has irreparably changed my brain chemistry, and for those reasons alone, she's earned her place here. I also think the unitard design is really unique and beautiful :D

Honorable Mention: Tantomile. She was my favorite when I watched Cats '98 as a young'in :).