#and that's just 3/10 stories that all sound solid

[strunmah-mah]

Honestly? Pretty much everything in this anthology sounds good, but here's the three I'm most excited for:

Far Sector: Enduring Farewells Writer NK Jemisin and artist Jamal Campbell reunite to provide a new epilogue to the award-winning Far Sector. According to DC's release, 'Enduring Farewells' is "set at the end of Green Lantern Jo Mullein's 12-month probationary duty, Green Lantern John Stewart arrives at the City Enduring to help wrap up her tour, and escort her back to Oa." The new epilogue is also said to act as a bridge to Geoffrey Thorne's 2021 Green Lantern run.

.

The Signal: The Light that Shines This new Signal story, by writer Brandon Thomas and artist Khary Randolph, sees Duke Thomas transported to an alternate future Gotham, where he is Batman. The story is said to be a "spiritual successor" to 'The Second Signal' from 2021's Batman: Black and White #6.

.

Bloodwynd: Pit Stop Writer Lamar Giles follows up his work on Static: Up All Night with this new Bloodwynd story, drawn by Sean Damien Hill. 'Pit Stop' is set after 'A Superman For Hell' from Action Comics Presents Doomsday Special #1, and sees Raphael Arce discover "the true history of the Bloodwynd mantle and his family's connection to the Blood Gem".

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - All's Quiet on the BL Front

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

May 2024 Wk 3

Ongoing Series - Thai

Wandee Godday (Sat YT) ep 3 of 12 - I love how were getting a solid depiction of two queers just genuinely enjoying sex with each other. That’s actually rare in BL. In this case, it manages to also be weirdly adorable and cute.

Dee is such a tease. I guess Y likes a brat? 

LOOK at those bedroom eyes!

Linguistics corner: when these two are being serious, sweet, or flirty with each other they use rao/nai which is kind of old fashioned and charming and not common in BL. They move pretty seamlessly into gu/mueng and back depending on the style of convo, tho. It's FUN to hear them talk.

Let the fake relationship commence!

My Stand-In (Thai Fri iQIYI) ep 4 of 12 eps - I HAVE THOUGHTS. I'm really enjoying the sinister backbone of this show. I hope they have the courage of their convictions in that regard and lean into a kind of sexy evil revenge narrative. It was a pleasure to watch the break up and I do not want a redemption arc for Ming or a romance for us. Fuck 'em, let’s just ride a revenge train, okay Joe baby?

That’s said, I totally sniffled at the ending scene where Ming (for two years!) has been paying penance cooking for two and waiting alone. Excellent pathos. Now, I understand how they're gonna make this a full 12 eps. And I’m excited about it. Carry on!

We Are (Weds iQIYI) ep 7 of 16 - I wasn't a fan of Winny & Satang in My School President but I'm loving them in this. The thing with Q, Toey, and Chain had me hooting with laughter. I think I’m finally just easing into the relaxed absurdity of this show. The key is not to expect anything from it. Just them being tiny gay idiots.

Two Worlds (iQIYI) ep 10 fin - Someday I’d like to really enjoy a MaxNat show, but today was not that day. (I feel like ever since Between Us I’ve been generally disenchanted with established OG pairs and what they’re bringing to the table. Perhaps that’s a discussion for another day. Cherry Magic excepted, of course.) 

OK, so this final episode, they sure tried to fit a lot in. But that made the pacing better for me. So I kinda liked this weird cliff notes resolution to the story.

In conclusion:

MaxNat do a credible job with a messy script about parallel worlds, gangsters, and strange diseases cured by forest fruits. It sounds confusing because it is. The chemistry is excellent the side pair is entirely forgotten about, and one could drive a Tardis through the plot holes. Still, I found it modestly enjoyable if not at all rewatchable. 7/10 

Only Boo! (Sun YouTube) ep 6 of 12 - I do love how bold and brash Moo is. He’s truly a great character, such an utter outgoing sunshine puppy focused on his pursuit of his older boy. I'm charmed by his utter harmlessness. They gave us a sweet coming out scene, and an awesome supportive mom. Frankly GMMTV has a good track record with moms. (With a few noted exceptions, of course.)

That said, I do keep forgetting this is a GMMTV offering. It just doesn't FEEL GMMTV. Just me?

OMG Vampire (Thai Sun ????) ep 1 of 10 - Starts tomorrow, will report on sitch next week. LeeFrank are back - not unlike the undead. But how do we feel about it? Unsure given their track record.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

At 25:00 in Akasaka AKA 25 Ji Akasaka de (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 5 of 10 - I like it. I like our sulky 2nd lead. He’s pouty, adorable, brash, and adding some much-needed tension to this narrative. The blurring lines between show within a show is a lot of fun. Probably the best I've seen done in BL so far.

Living With Him AKA Kare no Iru Seikatsu (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 6 of 10 - I like that we got backstory, but we also sort of already knew it. So this ep felt a bit like filler. They are wonderful when they’re on screen together but when they aren't it's a bit dull. I hope we just get them together for the next 4 eps. But this is Japan, so I doubt it.

Blossom Campus (Korea Thurs Gaga & iQIYI) ep 1 of 6 - The image resolution on this show (via Iqiyi ) is terrible. Meanwhile, awkward crush. Jock nerd pairing. Dorky. Maybe a bit too much awkward/dorky for me? I'm not sold on this one.

Meanwhile the ordering then not eating or drinking of food continues. Very upsetting.

Boys Be Brave (Korea Viki) eps 5-8fin - This show was just never sure what it wanted to be. Slacker sunshine KiSub moves in with nerd JinWoo, mostly because he knows JinWoo likes him but won't confess and that's never happened to him before. It reminded me of some earlier KBLs like Behind Cut, yes is had bones but not much flesh, so it only just hung together and progressed through not very much plot in a jerking rattling fashion like an animated skeleton. All the story and chemistry was with the side couple and none of the screen time. That just annoyed me. What did this BL want to BE? Who tf knows. I, for one, don’t care, and resolve to think no more on it. 6/10 

Blue Boys (Korea Sat YouTube) - This ended at 4 eps on a cliffhanger. Since this is a very small studio I don’t have a lot of faith in there being a part two. But they have bundled both this BL, and the GL, bingable chunks on YT. So if you want to binge it, it’s there. Just be aware that it ends on a cliffhanger.

My thoughts?

Promising reunion romances full of class and coming out struggles but I grade with what we got, not on expectations, and you know I HATE a cliffhanger. So yeah, it HAD promise but as of now it gets a 4/10 - fatally flawed. I reserve the right to change my mind if they amend for damages.

It's airing but...

You Made My Day (Thai YT) ep 1 of 5 - mini series staring the I Will Knock You couple Tar & Bom, started but I couldn't find it. I also didn't try very hard.

Lady Boy Friends (Thai WeTV grey) 16 eps - reminds me a bit too much of Diary of Tootsies only high school. Not my thing. DNF unless it turns a corner and is truly amazing.

A Balloon's Landing (Taiwan movie) trailer - A frustrated Hong Kong writer, Tian Yu, meets a Taipei street gangster, Xiang (Fandy Fan from HIStory2: Crossing the Line), and the two of them embark on a journey to find the Bay of Vanishing Whales. Along the way, they discover unexpected twists and turns and close bonds, which brings out the message that "there is always someone like you in this world who is waiting for you. This released to cinemas in Taiwan, no word on international release.

In case you missed it

A really really thorough and fascinating article on 2 Moons 2 and what happened.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

May Releases

VBL (Taiwan) is releasing 4 'Special Episode' epilogues to their 4 2023 shows every Friday this month on Gagaoolala, Viki & Viu. Not sure on search terms or how to find these. (Or, frankly, if we need them.)

5/10 – You Are Mine

5/17 – VIP Only

5/24 – Stay By My Side

5/31 – Anti Reset

5/25 The Time of Fever AKA Unintentional Love Story 2 (Korea movie) trailer - HoTae & DongHee are back but unfortunately not in a cinema near me. Side couple from Unintentional Love Story, same actors, same character names. I love them. I NEED TO SEE THIS.

5/28 My Biker 2 (Thai movie YT?) - trailer

5/30 Knock Knock Boys (Thai Thurs WeTV) - I'm hoping I can get it elsewhere since my WeTV account is inactive, but I do love Best and I'm interested in seeing him in a new pairing. That said, I'm not wild about Seng... so I won't be too cut up if I can't get hold of this. More here.

5/31 The Time of Huannan (Taiwan movie) - May not be BL

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

I'm a sucker for this king of casual claiming. (Only Boo)

It me! (Wandee Goodday)

(Last week)

Streaming services are listed by how I (usually) watch, which is with a USA based IP, and often offset by a day because time zones are a pain.

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @sunflower-positiiivity @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious

If ya wanna be tagged each week leave a comment and I will add you to the template. Easy peesy.

[sansundertale14x1]

why NauseAxe_404 loves your writing so much…

based on this silly tweet, I’m gonna use ‘Nick’ for this- for ease of writing (and for my poor poor hands.)

no pronouns but ‘you’- little post cuz I haven’t written in a while.- use of the in-game website: "Dumblr", no it's not a typo;-; Proshippers DNI

word count: 878

content warning: brief explanations of canon violence, creepy stalker-ish behavior (NOTHING SEXUAL ATTACHED), Nick being a weirdo honestly.

vvv that isn't my art, and this entire writing is a fanfic for a game " Monster x Mediator" made by HeadLocker! I really recommend playing the game or watching the gameplay, cuz it's really fantastic!

Story under cut :3

Nick’s in love with your writing…(if you already couldn’t tell), but it’s difficult for you to understand why.

Usually, when you'd open up your laptop, it was after a tough shift at your crap job and you just wanted to do something to fill in the time after dinner and before bed. It was always on the shorter side, 100 words each, and was normally just a quick and crappy self-insert fic to satisfy your creative urges from doing a boring-ass job all day. You never really thought your tiny one-shots would attract any attention, but the man you've been staying with proves otherwise.

"NauseAxe_404" is what he called himself, but you've just been calling him 'Nick' for now. He had been reading your old Dumblr blog for who knows how long, and he's taken a major interest in your little shitposts...So much, so that he had taken the time to print out every single one of your posts and personal information pinned to his room's walls. It's extremely creepy...but also sort of charming?

For the last few days or so, you've been held in Nick's hotel room, practically glued to a desk with a typewriter...slowly making your way through a 100-paged fic that he specifically requested of you. Though you technically could stand up and leave...you'd really prefer for your skull to stay in one piece...and not have a bullet put through your temple.

Nick has been staring at you almost the entire time...which only certified in your mind that he is not human. Every time you turn to see if he's still there...like an unmoving fortress, he always is. It's been a solid 8+ hours of you sitting there and writing...and your stomach starts to emit loud sounds of hunger. You pray he didn't hear that, and continue to type away at the dated machine. However, to your dismay, his deep voice chimes in.

"...What page are you on...?"

Nick asks, seemingly trying to speak quietly for you, but his naturally booming voice isn't giving you any favors.

"...uhm..."

You take a moment to review what you have done...it doesn't look like much but it feels like it took AGES to write out...

"About...10? It's not a-"

"That's wonderful, Superstar!"

He cuts you off just as you begin to speak.

Of course, he's going to be ecstatic. You can't fathom why he seems to be so hopelessly in love with whatever you slap on the paper. You're curious..so you begin to speak.

"...uhm...Nick...why do you..take interest in my writing?"

You softly speak, trying to be careful with your words...you can't afford to overstimulate this man.

For a chatty guy...Nick was oddly silent at the ask of this question…or at least for a few seconds.

“I was trying to find a way to ease the boredom and loneliness of this fucking hotel, so…huff…I joined Dumblr and started to search for writing…that was…huff….purposeful…and that could fix me..”

No way in hell your crackfics could change this man...He must've come out of the womb like that. (or...however the hell he was made..)

"...I came across your first post years ago..huff...and fell in love with the way you wrote your love interest....huff...I knew you were talking about me when I wrote all those comments~"

You never looked at comments due to embarrassment...and you honestly didn't think anyone would even care to comment in the first place.

"....you weren't responding to me...huff...so I might've found everything about you in the meantime...huff...just so I could notice you in a crowd...I always will~"

Okay, now it's getting creepy. You hope that by just turning back around and continuing to write maybe he'd shut up...You guess it's sorta your fault for striking up a conversation with the creep.

"All the other writers don't know shit about writing...huff...1k word counts...huff...long and complicated stories that don't make any fucking sense..."

There goes the rambles. You stop typing for a moment to process what the hell he just said. He either is really balls-deep into this fantasy of you being a perfect human...or he's just trying to fluff you up so you'll continue writing for him. He's really delusional, that's it. It's seriously hard to believe your crap was life-changing for Nick.

“Simplicity is the most important part…huff…not describing some stupid walk sequence for 3 sentences…huff…it’s a waste of space..”

"....maybe you just like simpler writing...?"

You softly reply, yet again praying that you didn't accidentally strike a chord with this guy. He stares you down, and even if you aren't looking back at him, you can still feel the burning of his eyes on the back of your head.

"That's possible."

Oh, it's highly probable. He gets so emotional over the tiniest bit of anything, so...He just doesn't need too many words to evoke a reaction...It checks out because you also like to write a straight-to-the-point sorta piece.

"but don't let your mind wander for...huff...too long...my superstar...you've got at least 90+ pages to go~"

Shit, he was right...time to get back to work.

[jakeyt]

Covet: Chapter 10 (Part 2 of 2)

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!Reader

Covet Summary:

Life was good. No, life was great. 

Was. 

Until.

Jake Kiszka crashed into the picture.

You welcomed him into your life—your home. 

Yes, he was your best friend’s twin. But, he was also the one who would end up disrupting your whole world with his attitude, his troubles, and the annoyingly natural way he lured you in. 

Jake Kiszka came with so much you really didn’t want.

At least that’s what you tried to convince yourself.

Warnings: MINORS DNI (18+); angst; depression; feelings of stress and anxiety; feelings of sadness; abandonment issues; allusions to a dark, forgotten childhood; arguing; heart issues addressed (POTs); use of heart monitors; revisited, vivid memories of sex; jealousy; body changes as a result of pregnancy; suuuuper sore boobs; negative self-talk (stretch marks specifically); talk of baby + pregnancy; pregnancy hormones...things get heatedddd; reader and jake are both stubborn + turned on, but can't be together and it's TOUGH; cheating; heavy petting; rubbing of bodies against each other (see: dry humping); hands on boobs oopsies (as usual, PLEASE lmk if i missed anything that is triggering to you!)

Chapter Word Count: 16.7k+

a/n: hi babes… <3 this is my personal favorite part out of the two… so, let me know how you feel… ;) love u all. busy day! i'm so sorry it's late. plz know i love you all sm <3

s/o to @joshym who is my favorite and the most wonderful encourager and sister in the entire universe. i love you more than i can say. you make life sunny and everything better <3

also, @alwaysonthemend, i love you so incredibly much and i’m so grateful for you and your unwavering support and texts that never fail to make my day <3

Please enjoy the playlist as you read 🖤 (fr, i listen to it nonstop when i write this.... all of the songs are pertinent to the story and aid in telling it - either already or eventually.)

Covet Masterlist

-🌼🌼🌼-

“The covetous man pines in plenty, like Tantalus up to the chin in water, and yet thirsty.”

-Thomas Adams

-🌼🌼🌼-

November 25, 2022

Friendsgiving. A standing, solid tradition since the first Thanksgiving you’d spent as Josh’s friend. It had always been you, Elsie, Josh, Sam, and Daniel.

But this year, you’d be entertaining new people. One you were incredibly grateful for. Jake. And one you weren’t even slightly sure about.

Maya.

She was the last person you wanted to celebrate a holiday all about Thankfulness with. But, you had to. Stupid ass shit that you couldn’t control, so you had to just pretend to be fine with it. 

To your benefit, you had a distraction – a fantastic, welcome one in Elsie. Elsie and a morning of grocery shopping.

For Friendsgiving, in a group chat between you two and the rest of the boys, Elsie had insisted that you two be in charge of pies. So, you two were currently wandering the aisles of Walmart with Pinterest up, recipes open to several flavors of pies that Elsie had decided the two of you should make.

And the way to make homemade crust since she refused to use store bought. 

“It will be a fun thing to try,” she’d sworn, aggressively pinning a couple to your shared board.

You were the one in charge of grabbing things off the shelves, while she pushed the cart and bossed at you what to grab for each recipe. The makings for apple pie and pumpkin pie already rumbled around in the cart. So, now you were on to the final pies and their ingredients. The few cans of cherry pie filling had just landed in the cart when Elsie decided to confront you about Jake. 

“What’s going on between you and Lover Boy?” She asked, trying to sound absentminded in her question, but you knew she was not thinking of it randomly. She’d most definitely waited for a moment to hit you with the question when you were forced to respond. 

And, you were. You were currently completely stranded at a Walmart with only her and one car to get you back to the apartment. There was no escaping the question. So, you decided to do what you could and only answer halfway.

“Well, he knows,” you started, grabbing a bag of sugar off the shelf, avoiding her eyes. “And things are going good.”

“What a vague response,” she hummed. “Why don’t you grab a couple cans of blueberry filling and hit me with full honesty.”

Rolling your eyes, you grabbed the can and turned to face her. A blush painted your cheeks that you couldn’t avoid. “I am being honest. He knows and things are good.”

“Yeah, that answer works for a random Joe, but not your sister. I’m not here for the fucking cliff notes.”

“I don’t care what you’re ‘here for’, Elsie,” you grumbled, turning to walk ahead of her toward the flour. “And why didn’t you ask me this yesterday when we had the entire day at Grandma and Grandpa’s?”

“It didn’t really feel like the right time to ask,” she defended, pointing to a particular bag of flour, which you grabbed and put in the cart. “I also didn’t want to stop talking about the ridiculous fangirl experience because that shit was hilarious,” she paused, gasping. “Oh! Speaking of fangirls and the other guys. . . When are you planning on telling Josh? I'm dying to start planning a baby shower and I want him to help me.”

“He didn’t tell you that I told him before my first–?”

“You told him?!” She asked, astonished. The cart squeaked to a halt behind you. 

Turning around with a laugh ready at your lips, you gawked at her. “What is wrong with you, Dramatic Ass?”

“Um,” she sharply started, hand on a hip. “My sister and my boyfriend are keeping me in the dark, that’s what’s wrong.”

“Josh is busy and I’m busy,” you responded slowly. “We’re not 'keeping you in the dark'. Also, he just found out a few weeks ago. It’s not like he’s known for–.”

“A few weeks?!”

You swiveled fully around to face her completely. “Els. Josh has never been one to talk about other people and their lives to shoot the breeze. You know this. He wasn’t going to bring it up if it didn’t concern him.”

“Well, it does. It concerns both of us. Aunt and uncle? Hello?”

“It’s also just a giant ass thing that I’m sure he’s still processing,” you argued. “Give him a fucking break.”

“I’m bringing this up to him,” she stubbornly stated, huffing and everything. “I’m going to make him own up to not telling me he knew.”

“You knew and didn’t tell him,” you reminded her. 

“That’s different; you didn’t want me to tell him.”

“And what if he thought I didn’t want you guys talking about it at all? He’s very sensitive to stuff of that nature.”

“I don’t know. I’m still asking him,” she firmly stated, continuing to push the cart forward, effectively ending the conversation with her tone. 

And, much to your joy, dropping the other part of the conversation as she went on a sassy rant about something Josh had done recently that pissed her off. 

It lasted all the way home and you were damn happy. . .

Although, you did have to work a little magic to get her to stop being such an over-thinker and asshole when it came to Josh. You had to give a plentiful amount of examples as to how he was all of these amazing things wrapped in one and not the person her mind was trying to convince her that he was. 

She had trauma and abandonment issues, too. . . she just didn't always show them like you.

But. . . it made you pause. Made you think of yourself and Jake. . . . your mind went to the clouds as you thought of your feelings towards him. You were still like this as you helped her carry in groceries, and only snapped out of it when she started bossing you again. Except this time, she was annoyingly giving you jobs around the kitchen to prepare the blessed pies.

-🌼🌼🌼-  

Jake had been the main chef for Friendsgiving.

All day, the apartment smelled heavenly thanks to his wondrous cooking. He'd started way early in the morning, and had awoken you with the incredible smells. . . but you had forced yourself to lay in bed rather than going about your morning routine. Truthfully, you really hadn't had to force yourself too much as you heard Maya's voice make unwelcome waves around the apartment through your door. You weren't in the mood for any of it this morning considering last night. Last night, when you'd seen him and Maya. . . . . Yeah, you'd still been in the process of blocking that the fuck out.

So, you'd only caught a little glimpse of him buzzing around the kitchen before Elsie and Josh had shown up. At which point, Elsie had been ready to hit Wally World.

But, now that you were back, you'd noticed that he'd taken charge of a few very important tasks. He'd roasted a giant turkey in the oven, made rolls and mashed potatoes from scratch, and a delicious gravy to accompany all of his dishes. Josh had been in charge of casseroles, and the other two hooligan men had been in charge of drinks and salad (a big bag of lettuce from Walmart with a bottle of Ranch and a plastic container of cherry tomatoes). 

Maya had been in charge of nothing, claiming via Jake that she would be helping him. But all day long, she’d just sat around, looking way too stupidly pretty, and watched him cook. Lazy ass. 

While you and Elsie slaved away at dessert, thankfully Jake was done with his preparations (save for the turkey that still cooked and created the most appetizing aroma). Meaning that Maya had followed him and wasn’t looming in the background as you made pie.

Which was good because you really did not need her around you any more than she had to be.

As you made pie after pie and sat them on top of the oven to go in once the turkey came out, you filled Elsie in on everything else that had taken place in your life as of late. Told her about the emergency room visit and everything you’d found out at the E.R.; how you’d come up with a solid morning routine to attempt a healthier pregnancy; and any intricate therapy detail that came to mind. 

The boys had been sitting in the living room, playing music on a few guitars (Josh, filling up the apartment with old Elvis tunes). Then, opting to talk for the majority of the time.

So, you'd been able to gain precious time with your sister. She had encouraged you and supported you just like you knew she would. She’d also gotten onto you for not taking better care of yourself and not taking prenatal vitamins sooner.

“You fucking idiot,” she laughed, bumping your shoulder with hers as she passed you in the kitchen with the last pie. “No, but really. I’m sorry that you’d been so stressed and overwhelmed to the point of forgetting to do shit like that. I wish I’d lived closer to you for the beginning of it all.”

Your ears perked up at that. “Yeah. . . Me too,” you said slyly, considering options as they filtered through your head. “What would it take for you to move closer? I don’t want to be selfish, I just don’t want to do this without you.” 

But, after the words came out  of your mouth, you heard just how selfish they sounded. Though, thinking about her being with you for the baby had been something at the back of your mind that you’d been contemplating for weeks. It didn’t mean you needed to drop that fucking bomb on her though. . . The baby wasn’t her thoughtless decision that she needed to change her life for. . . It wasn’t fair to her. 

“I’m sorry, Els,” you slapped a hand to your forehead, shutting your eyes to avoid any further self-induced embarrassment. “I didn’t even think about that before it slipped out. You don’t have to change any—.”

“Well,” she started, coming close to you and removing your hand from your head. As she held your hand in hers, she continued speaking. You opened your eyes to her. “That was actually my thing that I was waiting to tell you. . .,” she paused, trailing off. A slow smile lit up her features as her eyes brightened. “I put in a request for an office job attached to the company I work through. An office job for a branch of the company - based here in New York. . . Told them I didn’t want to travel any longer and that I’d appreciate something steadier as life changes. . .”

Your ears filled with excited static. “What?!” You gasped, eyes lifting with hope. “What did they say?!” 

“Well, a few people talked to a few people, and the director of the program I’m in gave his permission and then recommendation to that part of the company,” she rushed out. “So, in a few months, I’ll finish out my contract for this job and be living here full time for the new one.”

There was almost no time between the moment she’d said the words and the moment you’d leapt from your spot in the kitchen to give her the tightest hug you could muster. 

-🌼🌼🌼-

Jake’s POV

She looked fucking gorgeous today. Everyday, in fact. But for the past couple of days, all I could think about was how thankful I was to have her in my life. Tis the season. No matter what, I was very thankful for her. . . For so many reasons. 

Though, the most prominent reason in my mind at the moment was how thankful I was to her for carrying our baby. So selfless and motherly and lovely. . .

So, I couldn’t help stealing repeated glances at her. I just hoped I wasn’t being too obvious. She was always beautiful, stunning—actual perfection walking—but the fact that our baby was in her belly just made matters much worse for me. She glowed in a way that she never had before. . . Drew my eye to her in a way that couldn’t be stopped.

It was wrong for me to look at her like this. I was in a serious relationship with someone else. . . I definitely shouldn’t have been eyeing her the way I was through the open layout, into the kitchen from my spot in the armchair. And especially not while I had my arm wrapped around my extremely hot girlfriend, and her nice fuckin' ass sitting halfway on my lap.

And, really. . . y/n had effectively broken—no, shattered—my heart all of those months ago in the kitchen. She shouldn't have drawn my eye to her the way she did after what she'd said. But, I really couldn't hold that against her any longer. It didn't matter as much as it once had. . . not anymore.

But, we weren’t meant to be. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I wanted us to be. . . It seemed too difficult for the two of us to manage. And, I had Maya. . . Mayamayamaya.

I would've been lying, though, if I said she wasn’t the most incredibly created human being. She was sculpted by the gods. . . Meticulously made to ruin me. When she really shouldn't. Fuck.

And now that she held my baby. . . The way her tummy rounded out more than usual, under her sweater—that shit left me completely speechless.

The way she held pregnancy was unparalleled to every other woman that had ever done it before. She was ethereal. And as great as Maya's ass was, there was truly no comparing it to the way y/n's ass looked in those leggings I’d seen her wear no less than a million times before. . . And just like every time before, I wanted to walk up behind her and feel the curve of it. Rip them the fuck down and bend her - dammit. I was so fuckin’ weak for her.

But anytime I felt Maya move against my arm, or lap, or smelled her perfume wave off of her with an action, I was reminded of how completely wrong it was for me to be checking y/n out. It was wrong how I couldn’t get her out of my head—all the time, she was there. Even in the most intimate moments with Maya, she kept creeping the fuck into my thoughts. 

But, truly, it just happened. Couldn't control it.

And, even when I got up to check on the turkey once more, I couldn’t help my reaction when I passed her. When I'd accidentally brushed past her on her way out, the way my heart pounded in my chest as our bodies touched for a millisecond. She smelled so sweet—just like a damned sugar cookie. And the way she’d passed so delicately against me. Her top half had pressed against me for a stolen moment in time, her eyes catching mine as her precious bump skimmed my waist.

And her breasts. Felt those, too.

My chest tightened and my dick twitched—it was almost too much. The air was stolen from my lungs. 

We were so close for those few seconds.

“Sorry,” she hushed, her eyes flicking up to look at me. A small smile was sitting on her lips, more out of embarrassment than anything. Her cheeks were the prettiest pink under my gaze.

But she wasn’t the one to be embarrassed. I was the only one who should have been embarrassed — for how I was instantly a teenage boy again, just because of a little brush from her body. 

“Don’t be,” I mouthed, like we were sharing a secret. My lips lifted to reassure her and my eyes lit up with an emotion I couldn’t explain if I tried. 

Her face softened at my expression, and then she was gone. 

And once I’d gotten the turkey out of the oven, I was mostly back to normal. I’d forced myself to think about sad images of roadkill enough to ruin the mood I’d set in my head. 

After breathing a few deep breaths, I called out that dinner was ready and all I could do was hope for the best for the rest of the day. 

End of Jake’s POV

-🌼🌼🌼-

Thanksgiving carried on from when lunch started at two in the afternoon, to the evening, and saw your friend group (and Maya) sitting around the living room.

You were all bouncing back and forth with the Roku remote. Rotating around your semi-circle, every person took a turn choosing a YouTube video to cast.

It had turned into a sort of game of who could play a song that meant something to someone else in the room. Jake had just had the remote, right before Elsie, and had played a song for Josh. It had been some song from Seussical The Musical, to which Josh had sung along to every word. He’d even gone so far as to get up to do a little performance of the song. 

“That’s exactly how it went,” Josh had chuckled heartily, the sound starting deep and lilting at the end. He dropped his arms from an obviously rehearsed dance routine, the song ending on a final high note. “I swear to God.”

“Oh, Joshua,” Sam’s eyes bugged as he looked at Jake with a laugh, who shared the moment of humor with him. “Trust me. We remember. Every single high school theatre production,” Sammy shook, as if reliving a traumatic memory. "All of it is seared into my poor, poor brain."

"Samuel, shut the fuck-," Josh started, before getting interrupted by his twin.

“Day in and day fucking out, Josh. That’s how often we heard those songs at home— for the months leading up to that damn musical,” Jake raised a thick brow. It made your tummy do somersaults - he was so handsome. “And I was lucky enough to hear it from backstage as crew. . . Every single rehearsal.”

“Yeah, you really fucking hated those songs,” Josh noted with a bubbling laugh, sitting back down next to Elsie, his arm falling around her shoulders. “Why would you make yourself suffer through that again?”

“Just playing the game,” Jake shrugged, rolling his eyes with a smile. He handed the remote over to Elsie, who sat on the couch, next to where he sat on the floor, in front of the couch. “But goddamn if I don’t ever hear it again, it will still be too soon.”

Sam agreed with a toast, raising his beer bottle as Jake lifted his. They nodded at each other from across the room. And you stared on, getting distracted by the woman who sat on the couch, criss-cross-applesauce, behind him, braiding his hair. 

Fuck that bitch, you thought hotly— ridiculously.

Admittedly, it took too far too long to look away from her pop-up salon. But you eventually did, and watched the screen as Elsie started typing something into the search bar. 

You knew better than to feel jealous of her. But, you couldn’t help eyeing her from your place, as you snuggled into the armchair with your favorite fluffy blanket covering you. Just wanted to let the chair swallow you, so you nestled deeper and closed your eyes to imagine it.

“This is one of y/n’s favorites,” Elsie said, the pre-video ad starting on the television. “The first time she watched this, her life changed. The perfect mix of her love for classic rock and soul music.”

Instantly, you knew exactly which song she was talking about. And when the video started, your heart expanded in your chest, making everything feel fuzzy and light. Everything felt okay. 

Change the World. . . . the Unplugged version. Eric Clapton and Babyface. . . . so many memories.

“This is our childhood,” you said, voice thick with emotion. The amount of tears you cried on a weekly basis was nothing short of humiliating. The baby hormones were vicious in their attack.

“I can’t tell you how many times we heard this as kids,” Elsie affirmed, looking over at Josh. 

“Grandpa is a strangely huge fan of Babyface,” you giggled, throat loosening a little as the laughter bubbled from your chest. “This Unplugged vinyl played on a loop for a period of time.”

“It was that year we bought it for him for Christmas,” Elsie added, agreeing. She was watching the screen with tears in her eyes, too. “But you ended up loving it so much,” she looked over to where you sat. “That the next Christmas you got your own vinyl of it. From yours truly. You're welcome." She winked, blowing a little kiss your way.

“I do take partial blame for the constant looping on the living room record player,” you smiled, winking at her. 

She winked back. “Yeah, you and Grandpa had equal hand in his Unplugged record warping on this song.”

You grinned, sticking your tongue out at her as she did the same. When Eric Clapton started singing, you gave the screen your full attention. The sound of this song only brought back the happiest memories. Even before hearing Babyface’s cover, it was a family favorite. It was a song that made you feel whole. 

It was the one song your Grandpa loved to sing to you. . . Before this version had ever come to your family’s attention. He'd sing it in those soft moments that felt like glowing rays of sun hitting your skin on a hazy summer evening.

But when your Grandpa had heard the Unplugged cover on the radio, the Earth had shifted for him. . . And even though it didn’t top your Grandpa singing it, the cover featuring Clapton held a special place in your heart with how often you’d heard it bouncing off the walls of the living room. It played so often that you associated it with some of your best days. . .

You'd still been innocent enough, still, to enjoy the world through a rose-tinted lens. And, far enough away from the trauma with your Mom that life had felt new. Ironically, the cover of the song had come around when your world was finally feeling like it had changed. It had been an intricately timed re-release of the lullaby your Grandfather had once poured over you as you’d drift to sleep on both restful and restless nights. The song felt safe – sort of like your Grandmother’s cooking felt for you. 

“You know, it’s funny,” Josh’s voice cut through your drifting thoughts. You kept watching the two men on screen, but tuned in to your best friend’s dialogue. “Jake loved this version, too. When YouTube came around, he would watch this version back to back, trying to memorize the way Babyface and Eric complimented each other on their guitars. He always wanted–.”

“To play both parts and record them on top of each other," Jake finished, watching the screen intently. You’d let your eyes wander from the screen momentarily to see his expression after hearing Josh’s story. He still looked utterly invested; just like you imagined he had looked as a kid re-watching it over and over again on YouTube. “It’s not really an intricate piece. . . I just found it at a time when I wanted to try everything I could on guitar. I knew how to play better than most 14 year olds, yes, but I still didn’t know half as much as I do now,” he explained, never looking away from the musicians. 

You saw movement at his waist, and when you looked down to observe, he seemed to be playing a guitar part in the air. And you knew if he picked up the instrument right now, he’d match one of the men in time. Whichever one he was currently studying - you couldn’t tell. 

“I don’t know why I never recorded myself playing both parts. Synced them over each other,” Jake mused, still playing in the air. “I used Garage Band like it was an addictive fucking drug–.”

“You can say that again,” Sam inserted, acting annoyed but still grinning so wide all the same. 

“But I just forgot about it, I guess,” the older, long-haired brother continued, as if he hadn’t been interrupted. “I’m getting the urge to do it again now – it’s coming back strong,” he chuckled, looking down at his fingers with a brow raised–just like he’d do if he was actually playing. 

It was fucking hot to watch him play so intently with nothing there to support him. Only his mind, full of the memorized chords from years ago. And to a song that meant so much to you. 

“I’m sure the guys at the studio would let you do it with their recording equipment,” Danny offered, also watching the famed musicians with intrigue, glancing over at Jake. 

Jake sucked in a breath, dropping his air guitar before leaning back against Maya, closing his eyes and sighing with one particular scratch of her nails against his scalp as she tugged out the french braid to start another.

Gag. You could vomit at the sight of their mushy-gushy behavior.

Your hand floated to your stomach to remind yourself of one thing you had that she didn’t. 

“Nah,” Jake sighed, opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling. “I feel like it has to be done without the expensive stuff. It has to be recorded in a way that baby Jake would have recorded it. . . I just–,” He wrinkled a brow, releasing a grumble under his breath.

There was something he was concerned about. . .

And, as he sat back up to watch the men finish out the song, Maya made a little huffing noise, crossing her arms over her impressive chest. But, in all of her perfection, she covered the noise with a small smile and a shake of her head. Just seemed to be joking with her little bratty act.

Oh, how cute and funny.

She’d looked over at Sammy, who’d made a little sound at Jake’s words. You followed the line of sight.

“What’s the deal, brother?” Sammy questioned, leaning forward to emphasize his care for Jake. 

“I just don’t have the time to do a little side project like that–can’t even think about prioritizing it,” he replied, combing a hand through his hair, untangling anything that resembled a braid. Maya did outwardly pout at that. She whined his name and said something about her hard work. You couldn’t help the tiny smirk that lifted your lips at the scene. You tried your best to hide it, and just focused on the screen again. “And even calling it a project sounds silly with everything else going on in life right now.”

Before you could feel too guilty for the situation under your palm that added to everything going on in his life, Josh spoke up with a giant gasp.  

“Baby Jake!” The curly-headed twin exclaimed. You all looked in his direction, equally confused with knitted brows. “That’s just it; record it like you would have back then with the intention that it’s for your baby. Something fun to do. But. . . You’ll prioritize the time if it’s for the baby. If you look at it that way, it won’t seem silly at all," he wiped his palms, arm back over Elsie as he finished with jazz hands. "Ta-da!"

As the song concluded and the next ad started (an ad for baby diapers, of all things), Maya was urgently pushing Jake out of the way, claiming she needed to pee. And as she passed between your line of sight and Jake’s, you realized you were zoning out on him when your eyes met his, just as she rounded the couch. 

He gave you a small smile, his eyes staying on yours, floating down to where your belly hid under your blanket, and then back to your face when he responded to Josh’s idea. 

“Yeah, that sounds like a good plan, Josh,” he said, gaze never once leaving yours. 

The fire that rose from the pit of your tummy, all the way to your cheeks was not a new feeling with Jake, but for some reason. . . this time, it felt unlike any time ever before. 

-🌼🌼🌼- 

Everyone had stayed, having decided to lounge on couches for the night to sleep. They were all in equally deep slumbers (save for Maya, most likely still completely awake and waiting for Jake in his bed). 

You’d all stayed up until the wee hours of the morning–much later than you had in a long time. The only way you’d been able to make it, the tiny cat naps you’d dozed in and out of. As you’d done that, everyone else had continued on with their little YouTube game. 

Now, here you were, completely exhausted, practically dragging yourself to bed, ready to sleep. Just barely managed to wash your face before Jake had hopped into the bathroom, right after you, to brush his teeth.

But before you could make it inside your room, he passed by behind you. You weren’t even looking. You’d just smelled his heavenly cologne, a favorite scent of yours (and the baby’s, apparently) flood the space around you. You knew he wasn’t actually drenched in the smell of sandalwood and vanilla, but your baby-powered-super-senses could’ve convinced you otherwise. He smelled delicious and you could easily drown in him. 

Though, instead of focusing on that, you let yourself act on something that was threatening to leave your lips. No matter how hard you tried to stop it, your tired brain wouldn’t let the words halt. 

“Please don’t stop pursuing your dream or any other thing just because of everything that’s happening with me and the baby,” you rushed out, peeking up through your lashes for a moment before locking eyes with your hand on the knob of your door. “I don’t want you to ever feel like this is taking up too much space in your life or causing any unnecessary stress. You can back out whenever you want if you feel like that’s what you need and I won’t be upset with you for—.”

“No,” Jake responded, soft and stern, moving to stand in front of you. You had no choice but to look up at him, he was standing so close to you. His eyes bore into yours. “I’m not going to back out. I couldn’t do that–wouldn’t ever do that. I want this. I promise. It’s everything else, I think, that’s stressful. The baby is something I get to look forward to,” he reassured, his voice wavering just enough to worry you. 

But you didn’t let it get to you. Tiredness prevailed above any doubtful emotion you could’ve mustered. You could only sleepily nod your head at his words. 

“The baby inspires me even more to make it all happen,” he rasped in a velvety tone, assuring you. After, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear. Your sleepy eyes slowly followed the motion. You wished it was you. “Everything else is still exciting, too. . . But it’s a lot and it gets me thinking about how different everything is about to be. It’s scary. But– it’s. . . the baby makes it all seem brighter. Better. I’m not just doing it for me anymore. Not even for my brothers. It’s for my baby,” his full lips spread into a loose, close-mouthed grin. “Our baby.”

Your tummy flip-flopped and all you wanted to do at that moment was kiss him. You felt the slightest inkling that he wanted the same, with the way he’d brought his body in front of you, closer than he needed to. But. . . you blamed it all on tiredness. There was no way you could trust yourself to make actual, coherent assumptions. You were getting carried away, and even though you wondered of the possibility that he could want it, you cut off the idea. 

Tired or not, you knew one thing. He didn’t want you. He had a girlfriend. A real relationship with a woman much more beautiful than you. So, before you could get trapped in his big, beautiful brown eyes any longer, you decided to bid him goodnight. 

Though, just as you’d opened your door to go into your room, he stopped you. “Hey, real quick,” he cleared his throat. You looked up at him, confused at the sudden stop. “Maya–um,” he shook his head, brows furrowed as he messed with his bottom lip. “She told me that she wanted me to help however I possibly could. She wants me to be attentive and helpful in any way I can be.” 

He was right there - a step away. His breath, fanning over your face. You could smell the mint of his toothpaste. “Obviously with limits,” his voice lowered a bit as his eyes peered down at you. 

What was that supposed to mean? Surely he didn’t mean. . . But, you responded the only way you could think to.

“Obviously. . .,” you trailed off, raising a brow out of complete confusion for the conversation’s direction. “I wouldn’t want you to cross any sort of boundary. You’re in a relationship with her. Not me.” 

“Yeah. She’s my girlfriend,” he replied, voice rasping on a hitched breath. His body felt as though it was wrapped around yours in an act of protection. He’d brought his hand up, above your heads, as his body curved in towards you. After a pause, he continued. “But I don’t want to make any boundaries with the baby ever. Not at all. I want to be present. From now until always.” 

Suddenly, the moment was gone for you. There was no way he’d ever meant it as anything more. All he’d meant was you needed to remember there were boundaries. This was all about the baby. It was selfish to ever think any different. 

You knew better than to believe any different than that. Your thoughts got out of hand so damn easily these days. Why did you let them wander so far when you fucking knew better?

You backed up, your back touching the doorframe behind you. He scrunched his brows, but you weren’t sure why he was acting confused. It was late. You were definitely imagining things. He was just tired, too. . . that was all. 

“So. . .,” he cleared his throat. “Just let me know however I can help with the baby. Please.” 

“Okay,” you whispered with a quiet nod of your head.

“Okay,” he muttered with a gentle, distant grin. He nodded his head as well. And right before he opened the door to his room, his words barely touched the air as he told you goodnight. 

-🌼🌼🌼-

November 28, 2022

Covid. Gia had Covid.

Your heart broke for her having to deal with that absolutely terrible illness. And your nerves were climbing up the wall at not being able to see her. She wasn’t so bad that you couldn’t email her if you had questions or needed advice. But, you also knew better than to bother someone who was sick with something like Covid. 

So, you were spending the time that you would have been gearing up to go to Gia’s office, on this chilly autumn day, pacing back and forth in your living room. Cuticles thin from chewing and perspiration accumulated at your hairline and under your arms, you weren’t sure what to do. 

The idea of losing time on healing before the baby arrived was stressful to say the very least. You didn’t want to be any less of a mother than your baby deserved. He or she deserved a mentally stable mom. . . and in order to get there, you required several hours on Gia’s couch. 

All that could wave through your one-track mind was how terrible you felt for being so stressed about your healing while Gia was so sick. She was the one who needed to get healthy sooner rather than later.

You tried to remember the words Gia had put at the tail end of the email she had sent. She’d put in a few words that reminded you how well she knew you.

Don’t stress too much about the session being cancelled. :) Things happen and we have plenty of time, y/n.

Those words, typed specifically to assure you. Except, you’d worked yourself up too much for it to work very well after you’d read the title line of her email. Just a few, simple words: Out Sick – Sorry!

If even Gia’s words weren’t helping to calm your nerves, you weren’t sure how you were going to make it through to the next appointment.

After an hour of feeling unsure about literally everything, you decided the only way you were going to make it was by doing some other form of self care. And the first thing that came to your mind was food. Food always sounded good these days (nausea taking a backseat thanks to your meds and second trimester), and it would help you feel better while also supporting the baby’s health in the womb.

But it took you no time to get sad because you didn’t know what kind of food you wanted. . .

You’d resolved to just not being able to win at life for the day when you heard the front door jingle on the other side with the sound of a key unlocking. 

Jake was home. Fuck. He was home to take you to therapy and you hadn’t even thought to text him and tell him– shit. Instead of doing what he would have rather been doing, he’d made a useless trip home. 

It didn’t take him long at all to notice you sulking next to the window, face-palming next to the it, where you’d been people watching minutes ago, from your vantage point a few stories up. 

“What’s wrong?” He questioned, concerned, as he came right up beside you. “What’s going on?”

Whenever you looked up from having your eyes pressed into your hand, you refocused your eyes on his worried ones. “I don’t have counseling today,” you sullenly stated. And rather than going into any more details, you just apologized. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. There was no point in you coming home.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” he calmly reassured. Again, you found his line of sight. His eyes felt like the sweetest reassurance. “You look like you could use someone to talk to.”

“Don’t waste your time on me,” you waved him off, scrunching your brows in an effort to seem nonchalant. “Just go back to doing what you were doing.”

“Well, I don’t have any plans because I was planning on being with you all night,” he laughed just a bit, under his breath. He flicked at the tip of his nose with a pointer finger. 

“All night?” Your stomach swirled at the thought, but you also felt incredible guilt at stealing that time from him. “God, I’m so sorry, Jake.”

“Please don’t be.” It was his turn to wave you off while shaking his head. He swept a hand through his hair. “I’m glad I was here– glad that I am here.”

You didn’t really know what to say. There wasn’t anything you two could do that wouldn’t get completely awkward after a while. Right? It was only four o’clock and he planned on spending the rest of the evening with you? What were you going to–?

“What do you want to do?” He asked, adjusting his jacket over his shoulders. “Wanna stay here? Order in? Go out and do something?”

Going out sounded like a date. . . and that felt wrong to do. But you also absolutely despised the idea of staying inside of the apartment to wallow for a second longer. . . . 

And it didn’t take you very long to realize you were still wanting food, hunger starting to feel like empty weight in your rounded tummy. 

“Food?”

“Food,” he agreed with a grin, winking at you before turning around, effectively making your brain turn to complete mush as you grabbed your own jacket and followed him out the door. 

-🌼🌼🌼-

The night was one of the best you’d had in a while.

He’d taken you to get Panera. Weird, yes, but their tomato basil soup had been calling your name the second it’d come to mind, as you'd searched places to eat.

And after sitting across from each other and just talking about his budding career and your classes, at Panera Bread. . . he'd told you he wanted to take you somewhere special. And, just as the sun was setting, you’d pulled up to a Barnes & Noble on your side of Brooklyn.

“Tell me why you’re stressed,” he’d said, putting his car in park.

A used, four-door (hard top, thankfully) Jeep. An all-black, mid-thousands model. After riding around in it all evening, you’d noticed it rode really well. It was just slightly strange that he had a car. He hadn’t had one when you’d been. . .

You cleared your throat, back on the subject at hand. “I never said I was stressed,” you stated, feeling ready to combat the truth. For whatever stupid reason. 

“You didn’t have to say it,” he breathed deeply through his nose, turning down the classic rock station he’d been playing. “I know you.”

Deciding it wasn’t worth a debate (because it was the truth–you had been very stressed earlier), you sighed; running a hand through your loose, natural waves, you responded. “Well, I’m just. . . this therapy is for me, yes, sure. But it really is mostly for the baby,” you explained. He sighed and you placed the hand you’d combed through your hair on your rounded bump, covered by your favorite oversized sweatshirt. “And having one session lost that I can’t be working on getting healed for the baby stressed me the fuck out. Still kind of is,” you admitted, glancing out of the small, rectangular windshield. “I just want to be completely better by the time the baby is here.”

“What are you most worried about?” He softly pondered, prompting you to talk through it. 

“That I’ll be just like my mom and project my hurt onto my baby,” you said wetly, swallowing the thickness in your throat. “I have so much in me that I don’t understand and it scares me how much I don’t remember – can’t remember,” you blinked to allow the new tear to make its way down your cheek before quickly reaching to wipe it away. “And it scares the shit out of me. It makes me. . . this terrible person to other people. I need to understand all of me, so my baby gets the best parts of me.” Sniffling, you swiped at your cheeks to rid yourself of the few more tears that cascaded down your cheeks. “And I don’t even remember the last time I saw those best parts. . . . so if I can’t see,” you huffed, your eyes finally piercing his, which stayed on you, intently listening “H-how is my child going to see them?”

Jake hummed, rubbed his chin. He never took his deep-set, amber-brown irises from yours. “It’s funny,” he started, a little grin ghosting over his lips as he spoke, “I’m seeing those best parts of you right now. I see those 'best parts of you' quite often.”

Your heart pounded in your chest, and you unzipped and reached into your belt bag for your heart monitor phone, willing it to not go off. There were butterflies wreaking havoc in your tummy. Naturally, your hands found their way to your tummy. His eyes followed that particular movement.

“How do you–?” You sniffed, shaking your head, zipping your bag back after a moment. “How do you see those things? I haven’t seen them since before you came into my li–- for a long time. And never consistently. . .,” you rambled, eyebrows drawn together, thumbs rubbing circles over the tight bump. “I’ve always been a bit of a wild card with my emotions. And finding out more of what I'd done from Elsie. . . I'm just way too similar to my–.”

“Do you think she was as self aware as you are?”

“I don’t know,” you answered, honestly. You would go with no, but. . . “I don’t know her well enough to make that judgment.”

“Okay,” he nodded, sticking his bottom lip out. A grin found its way to his plush lips, looking so kissable in the cramped space of the car. You leaned further into the door so as to not tempt yourself of anything. He continued, “Well, I would say she probably wasn’t. Or else you wouldn’t be wracked with so much significant trauma. She wouldn’t have left you hanging with so much to deal with. . . she would have been there for you. Helped you because she would've wanted to help herself. Would've been self aware enough for that,” he emphasized. “Parents say stupid shit. They do stupid shit. They’re humans. What matters is how they ultimately react.”

“But I react so brashly, Jake,” you argued, needing to be heard. “What happens if I do that to our–?”

“You won’t. I know you won’t,” he consoled you, his eyes so earnest as he conveyed the words. “You struggle with saying stupid shit. I do, too. So does everyone. You’ll figure out how to handle situations better, but it won’t be as hard as you think,” he shook his head, taking the keys from the ignition. “Not for you. You are determined. And you’re not this monster you’ve made up in your head.”

“Well, –,” you started, interrupting him, only to be cut off. 

“And your best parts are too many to name right now,” he surmised, winking at you once more. You rubbed wider, nervous circles on your tummy. “But one of my favorites is your determination to help others. The way you care for others. And if a mother has those qualities,” he pointed a finger at your tummy, and trailed the finger up to point at your face. “She will be one helluva fantastic mother. I’m glad our baby will have you.”

“Thank you,” you replied after the words had actually cracked the surface of your mental warfare. No voice appeared to combat what he’d said, so you let them sink, all the way down into your brain to truly consider for later. You didn’t fight them. . . which you viewed as progress. “Thank you so much. I–I needed to hear those things. And you were the perfect person to hear them from,” you blushed, crinkling your nose with the words. A smile settled on your lips, eyes drying. “Because I know you’re going to be the best daddy to this baby. I’ve known it for a long time. . . So, it means a lot that you think the same. Seriously.”

“Of course I think so,” he smiled, glancing once more at your tummy. “And the way you're always holding our baby. . . you love her so, so much. You’re already so intentional about loving her.”

“Her?” You asked aloud, wondering why he’d chosen that gender. Your hands held tighter to your tummy at the assumption. “Why girl?”

He hummed, looking out the windshield, past your head, with a wide grin. “It just feels right,” he concluded, before motioning at the windshield, nodding towards it. “Look.”

You did as he said, turning to see a mother and son (presumably) traipsing up to the store, just past the nearest cart corral. The little boy was skipping, and the mother was watching her like the entire world started and stopped with the child. The sky was bluer because he was around. You felt that. 

“The way you’re watching them says enough, honey,” he concurred. There was that nickname again. . . Honey. Your heart skipped a beat at the term. “I see it all over you. You’re going to mess up. Parents do. My parents did a lot and I still think they’ve been the best parents.” When he gave a small, breathy laugh, you looked his way. He rubbed a finger over his bottom lip. “But what good parents do after they mess up is– they have humility and apologize. They show integrity to their child. You do that. Already. For me.”

Sitting across from him in the still air of the Jeep, you let your eyes bounce back and forth between his. His smell, warm, sweet, and woodsy, was enveloping every sense of your body, in the taut air of the vehicle. His breathing laced with yours, your heaving chest kept up with the rhythm of his. He was steadier than you. . . he seemed fine. 

You felt anything but. Your emotions were going haywire at everything he’d just said. The man he was to you. . . he was too good to be true. 

But, instead of letting yourself get sad that he wasn't yours, you looked at the store behind you and cleared your throat. It opened up your mind and the air in the car. He blinked a few times, tilting his head slightly, watching you. 

“Wondering why we’re here?” He asked.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I thought– let’s get out,” he said, pausing the conversation to unload from the Jeep. You followed his lead, taking the tall step as gracefully as you could to get down and out. The slip almost happened–but didn’t. Thank god. 

Joining him at the back of the car, you waited for him to lead the way and continue. You wrapped your jacket tighter around your body, over the sweatshirt. There was a bite in the air that hadn’t been there before. Jake tightened his jacket, too, tucking his hands in the pockets of it. “I brought us here because I knew you were stressed. I knew it probably had to do with the baby,” he started, looking down at you. You felt his stare, looking up to meet it. “So I thought maybe coming here to get some books to study and prepare would help you feel more at peace about whatever was on your mind,” he drew in a breath before blowing it out into the cold, dry air. “And now that I know it had to do with preparedness, this was kind of–.”

“Perfect,” you finished, nudging him with your shoulder. 

He looked down for a second, his eyes read an unknown emotion before he kept on. “I know you probably have a lot of books already, but–.”

“There’s no such thing as too many,” you replied, leading the way through the automatic doors. 

“Precisely,” he agreed, coming to a stop as soon as the two of you had entered. Raising a brow, he looked down at you before throwing a thumb over to the in-store coffee house. “Want something?”

“You don’t even have to ask,” you responded with a light smile, walking toward the smell of comforting coffee and cakes. 

-🌼🌼🌼-

He’d footed the bill the whole night. . . including the surplus of books from Barnes & Noble. It had been a hefty bill, but he’d refused to let you pay. He had convinced you it was part of co-parenting – sharing purchases. And this was one of his first purchases to make for the baby.

“This was a good idea,” you mentioned at the end of the evening, juggling your one bag of books that you’d insisted Jake let you carry (the lightest one, after compromise) as you led the way up the stairs of your complex. “Focusing on other ways we can prepare for the baby, rather than worrying about what we can’t control.”

“I have a decent idea every now and then,” he chuckled, out of breath as he handled the bulk. 

Once you made it to the door, you unlocked it for the two of you.

And, for a moment, it felt so domestic.

It felt like a dream you shouldn’t dream. Arriving home after a big shopping run, walking through the door together as you laughed at the heaviness of bags and discussed a few of the books you’d chosen.

And as you made your way through the door finally, it broke your heart to see the night go. He wasn’t necessarily acting ready to end it, but the impending ending made your stomach turn. You wanted this for longer. 

He was going on and on about all of the things he’d researched as of late concerning babies and pregnancy and everything in between. You decided on grabbing a Canada Dry from the fridge, letting him sort the books on the counter into categories as he kept conversation easily.

Every now and then, you offered a small response to show you were listening, but otherwise, you let him talk. You loved listening to him talk about all of this. 

It made your heart feel ten times bigger. Though, as you took a sip of your ginger ale, watching him sort the books, your heart began to sink instead. 

You couldn’t help how much you adored his desire to learn about all things ‘baby’. He was already so good at his job as dad.

The way you’d felt all night–so peaceful with him. . . you knew it was good for you. He was literally your mental safe place (you hadn’t told him that though. Absolutely not). But. . . you knew it couldn’t go past the feeling of good friendship. Co-parenthood.

The unfortunate part, though, was that you really felt unable to stop the way you were feeling for him. It felt new and familiar all at once.

Though, you knew you couldn’t let yourself feel that way. You shouldn’t.

But with the way his eyes lit up when you looked up at him again, after staring at your feet in your whirlwind of contemplation, you knew you were doomed. 

There was no stopping the way that you felt about him. 

-🌼🌼🌼-

One morning at the very end of November, you woke up with a cold. A terrible one. The same cold that every other person in your classes was seeming to come down with. Theo had been gone with it all week, and you saw him more frequently than not to study. You’d decided on one or two days a week after class. There were also the few people who sat around you in class, who’d come down with it.

So, it was due time for you. 

Normally, you would have tried to make it through the day. But, you’d done enough reading to learn that coming down with a serious infection like the flu or Covid could lead to a baby’s fetal development getting stunted. So, you played it safe and decided to stay home until you felt better.  

You had called in to work that morning. And just after that, you’d emailed the professor you had that day to let  him know. Everyone you had spoken to was understanding, luckily, which helped you to sleep very peacefully. You only hoped that the extra sleep wasn’t just helpful to you, but also–mostly–to the baby.

Sleeping off the sick seemed the best option. You hadn’t really had the mental energy that morning to look into safe medicine to take for colds during pregnancy. So, sleeping it was.

Your colds were always intense–all of your sicknesses were. When you got sick, it never failed to knock you on your ass. So instead of stressing over it all that morning, you’d chosen sleep as the easier route.

You had been hoping that you’d wake up from a long nap feeling refreshed and better. . .but. . . you were not so lucky.

When your eyes fluttered open for the second time that day to find what was left of the evening sun peeking through your curtains, you officially knew it was time to figure something out. Your eyes were burning–hurt to open. There was an ache settled firmly in every bone in your body–weren’t sure if you were cold or hot. . . 

You were definitely sick. More than a cold. No two ways about it.

When you turned to your bedside table for a drink from your Stanley, you found your bedside table had a couple new additions since you’d fallen asleep. There was a brand new Stanley sitting next to your old one. One you’d eyed for a few minutes online a week or so ago, and then decided against due to the monstrously obnoxious size. . . 

You’d talked to Jake about it after he’d noticed your pensive face looking at your phone screen for longer than necessary. . . And now, there it sat on your white, wooden night stand. A 64 ounce, rose quartz Stanley, in all of its glory. 

And leaning against it and next to it were a concoction of helpful remedies with a couple of sticky notes to explain each of their benefits. The handwriting gave him away. Jake. In his scrawl, he detailed what to take and when, which ones you could take together. He’d even written out the link to a website talking about pregnancy-safe cold meds. There was also a fruit punch Gatorade. When you reached out, it was still cold. He’d been in recently.

Moving on from the drink and meds, you glanced at the Stanley and saw it had a sticky sitting underneath it, waiting to be read. 

Plenty of water will help you and the baby stay healthy. It was worth it 

It had perfect timing and came in the mail today of all days

:) –Jake

The note effectively had your head spinning from something other than sickness. . .his kind gesture, making your stomach do soft flips. Your hand floated to touch your tummy at the idea of him doing so sweet for you (and for the baby–his baby).

After reading his advice on what to take, you went ahead and took some Tylenol for your headache and body aches, then used a nasal spray to help loosen up whatever drainage you could. The Vicks rub he’d left had been a welcome solvent on your chest, temples, and under your nose. 

But, it didn’t take long for your stomach to start rumbling, so you took that as your sign to find something that would ease the scratch in your throat and warm you up. 

You went out to the kitchen for food, holding your brand new Stanley, taking several healthy sips of the iced water from it. When you bent down to pour food in Stevie’s dish, you realized there was already kibble in there. . . that Jake undoubtedly left for her.

You were sure your heart monitor was picking up all kinds of strange palpitations at his gestures. 

Around the time you’d noticed Stevie’s food, you went to text him to tell him thank you. Only to find he’d sent a text about twenty minutes ago saying he’d left for the night. And while it made your heart sink, you knew you had no right to feel sad about it. . . especially when he’d done so much to help you before you’d even woken from your nap. 

To add emphasis to that thought, you noticed at just the right time that he’d also left a couple Panera soups waiting on the counter for you. God. . . he was wonderful. You read the note he’d left with the two little sealed containers.

Soup is the best when you’re sick :) 

–Jake 

Your body was already hurting a little less after you’d heated and almost instantly downed one of the delicious soups. A warm shower sounded more than tempting, so you didn’t waste time throwing away your trash and making your way to grab the shower steamer pods he’d left for you on your bedside table (they were a pregnancy-safe brand, he’d assured on a sticky, which made you softly smile). 

After placing them in the heating shower to begin dissolving the comforting notes of lavender and rose, you padded back to the kitchen for your new Stanley when you noticed something on the counter.

In an arranged group on the counter sat a few books you'd bought the other night. You recognized them. They sat with a notebook, stickies, and pens. Two of the books were closed, stacked, and tabbed with stickies–all bright pinks, greens, and blues.

Though, there was one more, face up and open, as if he’d had to leave unplanned and hadn’t had time to shut it. There was a pad of stickies sitting atop the page it was opened to. A pen was on top of the pad, which, when you walked closer, realized there was plenty of Jake’s scrawl already written on it. The page had a heading that read:

Props and pillows and sleep, oh my! 

And he’d written the following on his sticky, which lay upon the page: 

–Look into pregnancy pillows for y/n

–Be patient!! 

–Do what you can to help her find the right set up for sleep or rest 

–Adhere to her sleep schedules (no loud sounds or bright lights when she’s asleep, etc) 

–She needs sufficient rest (has healthy outcomes for her and the baby)

You went to look at the cover of the book, but before you could look at it, you stopped yourself. For some reason, it felt like an invasion of his privacy. Even though he’d left it open on the counter, these were his notes, not yours.

But just before you could walk any further to the bathroom and ignore his notes, the book stacked on top of the other had a note stuck to the top of it. And, written in bold, black sharpie, were the words Remember: Do WHATEVER you can to help y/n – it’s for the BABY!

The words it’s for the baby being written with finality at the end of the statement reminded you that chances were, all of this was not really for you. . . definitely not. You didn’t deserve that from him. No, whatever was for you was done for the ultimate benefit of the baby.

All of everything he did was for the baby. All of the words of reassurance. The trip to the bookstore. Panera. The meds tonight. Taking you to counseling. . . ev-ery-thing.

And that was fine. . .

So why was a tear drawn to your eye as you sped away from the book that sat on top of the counter? And why had you felt the need to go back to your room on the way to the shower, to get the Stanley cup you’d bought yourself? Why did the thought of using the one Jake bought for you make your stomach feel all tangled and weird?

Because he doesn’t care about you, a voice nagged, reminding you. It was a familiar voice, filtering in from the dark tresses of your mind. He doesn’t care about you. This is for the baby. So if you feel like it’s for you, know it’s not. Let him help the baby. Don’t be selfish. The baby matters most. 

You couldn’t help but agree with the voice. The baby did matter most. Not you.

So, you resolutely chose to wait out the calming scent of the steamer, until it all pooled down the drain. Stepping in when the scent was gone seemed the only option, as the way the shower calmed you was only for your benefit and not necessarily the baby’s. 

Yes, it sounded fucked up and foolish in your head. But you were trying to navigate these thoughts the best you fucking could and you were grasping for something that made sense. But all you were doing was making no sense. 

God, what the fuck, y/n?

And, stupidly, for whatever fucking selfish reason (because you knew for sure you were selfish–evidence proved that), you found yourself hiccuping on tears that hurt your already-aching body, under the lukewarm spray of the shower.

He didn't truly care about you. Not really. It was all for the baby.

-🌼🌼🌼- 

Once your mind was lucid after your little cold-sickness stint, you noticed stretch marks had started showing up. One by one, they’d started becoming stark and apparent and made you feel gross. 

The creams and oils you’d ordered seemed to help the slightest bit with the new darkness of the few tiger stripe-like lines. They truly looked heinous against your otherwise unmarred skin. You’d felt insecurities really begin to kick in after you’d cried in the shower on the first day out of three of your sickness. 

During the latter three days of your cold (or whatever the hell it was), you’d sulked and avoided Jake’s help in whatever way you could. You wanted his help with the baby. Only with the baby. But the baby wasn’t there yet. 

So, you didn’t need his help. He didn’t need to care about you. Only the baby. It was common sense. And it would be fine. 

But it still made you feel oddly unwanted. The feeling didn’t matter. 

But, for you, with your utterly complicated past, feeling unwanted came hurtling towards you, without any sign of stopping.

Since you were a child, feeling unwanted in your mother’s grimy home, a whole range of other negative emotions accompanied that familiar feeling. Most call it depression. Your oldest friend.

And, it had officially lit up for this new stage of your life. Why enjoy things for too long? It wasn’t worth it. Right?

So, the way your skin was beginning to scar due to growth you absolutely couldn’t control. . . it just set misery aflame in your amped-up insecurities and dispirit. 

On the first night of December, the depressive thoughts persisted. You stood with your big sleep t-shirt tucked up under your heavy-ass boobs as you lathered your tummy up with the last oil in your new, nightly anti-stretch mark routine. As you did so, tears pooled in your eyes at the sight of yourself. 

And, seemingly out of nowhere, your thoughts picked up on a different train. . . something you hadn’t really taken time to be super upset about yet. The thought slipped in amongst the rest of your woes. 

It was the thought of being a single mother.

And while it didn’t matter and wasn’t completely true, because Jake would be there, you’d still be doing it on your own in a sense. You would be on your own. The two of you definitely weren’t together. He wouldn’t be there with you. He would just be there, doing his own thing for the baby, with Maya by his side. (Nausea crept up at her name alone. Gag.)

You were going to be a single mother. Just like your own moth–. No. You locked eyes with yourself in the mirror, momentarily stopping the massaging of your belly. 

I will not let my mind go there, you asserted silently, staring daggers through your reflection. I am not her. I am not. I can’t be. I won’t be. What would Gia say? What would Jake say?

Amidst your crying and sorrowful thoughts, the knock on the door of the bathroom kind of spooked you. And, in the depths of your despair, you couldn’t really care fucking less who saw you right now. That was just how pitiful you felt. 

“Come in,” you said, sniffing and trying to cover the sound of tears in your voice by swallowing them. 

When the door began opening, you had to scoot over a little to let Jake in. You knew it was him. He’d been home all night with you, while Maya was busy doing whatever the hell she needed to do for her job. 

He’d spent a couple hours catching up on New Girl with you and it had been nice. Except, anytime you thought about how it wasn’t really for your benefit and rather him just being your friend for the baby. . . It just wasn't the same.

“You okay?” He carefully pondered, coming to stand slightly behind you in the mirror.

But, as soon as he appeared next to you and saw your current state of dress, his eyes went immediately to your bare tummy. He stayed trained on the bump that continued to grow, day by day. Still not huge, but definitely not small.

Insecurities were instantly blossoming at his stare. He was not looking away for anything, lost in a trance. He was probably in shock at just how big your belly had gotten, compared to the last time he’d seen you like this. Chances were, he was repulsed by what he saw. 

You effectively decided the stretch marks had been tended to enough for the night. You went to pull your Pratt shirt over the exposed skin. But to your surprise, his hand was shooting out, around your body, just as quick, to stop you before you could pull it down too far. 

He definitely succeeded in stopping you, holding your wrist. You were in shock – skin flaming at his touch . . .felt it everywhere. 

“I want to see,” he requested, sort of breathless. What? He wanted to–? “You look–this is–.”

“Ugly? Fat? Disgust–?”

“Beautiful,” he firmly stated, his eyes finally locking with yours in the mirror at the word. “This is beautiful. You are beautiful.”

His hand still held your hand over shirt, not daring to touch your belly. You couldn’t move to make the position change. The fact that he’d just called you beautiful was like a lightning bolt to your entire nervous system.

“I’m not–,” you shook your head, at a loss for words. You did not fully agree with him. Was it beautiful that you were holding the baby? Was the baby beautiful inside? Yes. But were you loving your body these days? Absolutely not. “The stretch marks. . . I’m so fucking big. . .”

“You aren’t,” he suddenly dropped his hand, and you were missing his touch as soon as it was gone. He went to lean against the bathroom counter, facing you. His eyes bounced between your belly and your eyes, settling on your irises as he continued. “You are not any of the things you called yourself. I don’t think any of those things when I see you. . . I don’t even understand how you could–,” he shook his head, blinking once before finding your eyes. “I just see a woman who is special to me. A beautiful woman who is carrying my baby.”

Carrying my baby. 

Those words. . . they did something to you. Your palms were sweaty as you held tighter to your shirt, rolled under your boobs.

“The baby is beautiful,” you concurred. And surprisingly, you didn’t trip over your words. “But I am–.”

“You are beautiful. I am talking about you right now,” he stated, with no room for disagreement in his tone. “Don’t discount that. Please.”

“Are you just saying these things because I’m carrying your baby?”

Where did that come from? Shit. Nothing like baring your most vulnerable feelings to the very person you feel most vulnerable in front of. . . 

“No,” he said without pause. He sounded sure. “You have always been beautiful. It’s just. . . enhanced now. I can’t. . .it’s hard to explain.”

You wanted to ask him to try to explain it but you didn’t.

All of a sudden, you felt confident to ask more. 

“You don’t just think so because of the baby? Do you just care about me because of the baby?”

Jesus. There it was. 

“We’ve gone over this,” he sighed, rubbing circles against his temple. He didn’t keep on with the action, instead stuffing his hands in his pockets as he found your eyes with his. 

“I know, but I just. . . I feel like I don’t matter. I mean, I really don’t right now do I?" You sarcastically laughed, eyes watering. "All I’m good for is being the big, fat incubator who hates her body and has ugly fucking stretch marks because my belly won’t slow the fuck–.”

“It’s good that it won’t slow down,” he reassured, amber-brown irises smiling with his lopsided grin. “It means the baby’s healthy and growing.”

“But you do think I’m an incubator,” you stubbornly persisted. “Didn’t say anything to argue that.” Your tone unnecessarily snipped with your next words, “Jake, you just want to help the baby. I know this. So just wait until the baby’s here. Don’t worry about me or making me feel better if you just want to help the–.”

“Where are you getting this from?”

You stared at each other for a few moments. . . . He gave you a look that told you he could see you.

“My mind is a really twisty place,” you huffed a humorless laugh, rubbing your own temples now. “It never shuts the fuck up,” you paused–didn’t want to say anything about the sticky note on the book that had spurred the thoughts. The same thoughts you’d voiced the night you’d told him. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve already been insecure about all of this shit. It’s just–.”

“I don’t view you as an incubator,” he insisted, crossing his arms, strong fingers wrapping around stronger biceps. “I view you as a brave fucking woman who is being selfless as hell. You’re growing a fucking human, y/n,” he said, grin widening. You felt your lips lift, too. He continued, “And I can’t help but be amazed by that alone every. single. day. And while that is beautiful, yes - I won’t say it isn’t because it is,” he unwaveringly asserted. 

“But. . . it’s more,” he kept on. “You’ve been this woman-the one in front of me - for a long ass time–before I ever knew you. Though, since I’ve known you, I’ve had the privilege of seeing this woman. I knew your heart right off the bat–since the day Josh told me about this girl who was letting a man she didn’t know move into her fucking home. Just because she cared about the situation. Didn't even know me," He raised a brow, lips quirking as yours did the same. “You’re selfless and–,” he paused. 

His eyes shut briefly before opening to yours. Except this time. . . they were wet with emotion. Yours were, too. Your heart was pounding and you felt warm with a blush, from your chest to your face.

“And kind. So thoughtful when you don’t need to be. You care a whole fuckin’ lot for others and sometimes it gets you in trouble because you get in your head and it hurts you,” he said, brows dipped with a shake of his head. “But the fact that your heart is the way it is in spite of everything you’ve been through–I can’t even imagine, y/n. All of that and so much fucking more makes you beautiful,” he tucked his hair behind his ears before they went back into his pockets. “So, no, it’s not just because of the baby. It’s just one more thing that makes you beautiful.”

You were utterly speechless, and you couldn’t stop the wetness in your own eyes, a tear trickling down your own cheek. . . How could he even begin to say all of those things about you when you’d been so terrible to him? Always made assumptions?

You weren’t sure how much time passed when you finally swallowed down your own tears and found the most simple words you could mutter. “Thanks, Jake,” you whispered.

“Don’t thank me,” he winked. It clicked with you that you could faintly hear your heart monitor phone going off in your room. It was alerting you of unusual heart activity. No fucking wonder - with the poetry the man had just spoken. He heard it, too, apparently, brows wrinkling. “What is that sound that’s been going off for the last few–?”

“My heart monitor phone. My heart is beating really fucking hard in my chest right now and the monitor picked up on the palpitations,” you blushed, tucking a lock of hair behind your ear as you finally pulled your shirt down. “I’m not used to hearing people say things like that about me. It just catches me off guard when you–,” you coughed, blinking as you located some sense. “When anyone says sweet things like that to me.”

Then, you were back in time. Yet again. On the living room floor. That day it'd rained. . . a quiet, gray morning. He'd said things so like what he'd said just now. The same day those Aretha Franklin songs had sealed a place in your heart. Well– both of your hearts, apparently. . . according to Jake at the bar.

A comfortable silence had crept over the two of you that morning, he’d so obviously been watching you– admiring you–not to be mistaken for anything else as you'd laid atop him.

His next words confirmed it. 

“Even in the grayness of this morning, you shine so bright,” he said, almost absentmindedly. “You fucking glow, y/n. You’re just brilliant.”

All you’d been able to utter was a measly, “Thank you.” The sound of tears in your throat, behind your response, had surprised you.

“Has no one ever told you?” Jake had pondered, his warm chest breathing steadily and comfortably beneath you.

You’d explained how Josh and Elsie were kind to you, but. . . “hearing you say something like that. . .,” you’d emphasized to him. “Those words. . . It just feels good. I don’t know,” you’d shaken your head, a tear falling to meet his tanned chest. “And no one has ever said those exact words to me, no.”

“You are all of that and more, my lo—,” he’d cleared his throat, stopping himself from saying a word your heart was now longing so badly to hear. “You are so many things wrapped in one, y/n. So many fantastic things.”

“Stop,” you’d sniffed, more tears falling onto his chest. “You don’t have to say things like that. I promise I’ll still want to have sex with you if you don’t,” you’d laughed, wiping your leftover tears. The words had sounded funny (true, but still funny) as they’d left your mouth. 

“I want to tell you those things,” he’d said, firm in his response. “You deserve to hear those good things. Sex or not.”

And tonight had proven that he truly meant that statement. No sex, and still. . . .

But . . . goddamn. The sex. 

With that thought in mind, you couldn’t help but watch the sway of his ass in his tight black jeans as you followed out of the bathroom behind him. You bit your lip after bidding him goodnight– only able to think of how fucking badly you missed the sex. 

“I fucking love you,” he'd once told you - on the very night that had gotten you in this predicament. “And god, do I love fucking you. . .”

Not that word. . . Where had it come from just now?!

Love. Love. Love. Love. You hardly ever thought of him saying it to you–tried not to because it hurt and you knew it wasn’t true anymore.

But when he’d said those sweet things about you being beautiful just now. . . apparently, your mind couldn't help but chant the word . . .and the sound of him saying it to you. Why?! He was just being kind.

It was so hard wanting him and not being able to have him. . . Not like you ever actually had him - but before you fucked everything up with your stupid, hurtful words.

And, god, did you still want him. 

You couldn’t have him like that – all of the reasons were plain as day. But. . . at least you still had the memories. The wonderful memories. But being pregnant made the memories so much worse. . . because one little thought of how he felt inside of you had you actually throbbing for him.

As soon as you got to your bed, you were reaching into your bedside table for your favorite little vibrating instrument. The thought of that morning. . . the idea of having your breasts pushed against his bare chest again as he told you things just like he did tonight. . . You knew it wouldn’t take long for you to be unraveling. 

Before long, you were feeling all of the tremors you craved from Jake’s mouth, from the little toy held just right against your quivering bundle of nerves. And in less than five minutes, you were  shuddering, body tensing and releasing as you breathily moaned his name into your pillow.

-🌼🌼🌼-

December 4, 2022

Your week ended with a particularly exhausting day at the Black and Gold. 

Inventory had come out of nowhere. And, with Josh busy with his new career, it was mostly on you to prepare for it.

The two other girls who worked with you couldn’t give two shits and it showed when you’d shown up for a shift after theirs. Nothing was ever prepared in the evenings or the following mornings if they were in charge—and inventory week was no exception. 

In fact, it was glaringly more obvious when it was such an important week as inventory week. 

And having to do all of that after your few solid days of feeling like complete and utter crap and while being pregnant? It had been one of the longest days you’d had in your whole life (dramatic? Maybe. But whatever.). 

And to top it all off, you’d come home to the apartment being very warm to accommodate the cooler weather outside. 

For normal people, it probably felt nice to come into the warmth. And, most likely, it would’ve felt great to you before your pregnancy.

It was just too damn hot in the apartment tonight. You’d wanted to come home and take a warm shower to wash off the day and relax your sore muscles, but the temperature of the place had you throwing that idea away real quick.

So instead, you hurriedly went about feeding Stevie before rushing to your bedroom to dig out the box fan stuffed at the top of your closet. You’d bought it the summer the A/C had let out on you and your sister, and had kept it handy ever since for fear of it happening again. 

And at this exact moment, it felt just as hot to you as it did that summer the A/C quit working.

The fan was plugged in and blowing at full blast, towards the bed, in no time. It was sitting on top of your vanity seat, pointing right at your side of the bed. The speed at which you’d gotten it situated was astounding. And your sheets were cool and crisp and tempting you to climb into them when you pulled your covers down. 

But you couldn’t climb in yet with the way your bladder was squeezing and hurting with how badly you needed to pee. You’d put it off at the B&G, ready to get home. And then you’d come home to an uncomfortably steamy apartment.

Before heading to the bathroom, you stripped completely of your tight bra (thank you, God), your stuffy sweater and your leggings. Then, changed into a thin pair of pajama shorts and the first camisole you could find in your chest of drawers. And thankfully the thin strapped shirt had no built-in bra to constrict you. 

You’d welcomed Stevie into your room, her soft purrs and shaggy fur rubbing against your ankles as you promised her of your soon arrival back. 

Finally, after peeing and washing your face, you were ready to lay right in front of that fan. 

You stopped by the kitchen to quickly grab a Stanley from the counter– to find nothing. No Stanley. Neither of them.

Shit.

Slapping your forehead, you remembered almost instantly where they still sat on the counter at the Black and Gold. Both of them. Your rush to leave and rest from your long day had prompted you to forget a couple of your most prized possessions. 

Without your go-to water tumbler, you felt naked. And even more thirsty. 

Your day had been long and hard and now you were paying for it. Ugh.

When you scanned the kitchen for a quick alternative, your eyes immediately landed on the case of waters that Jake had recently bought for rehearsals only. You didn’t give two shits. You were bound to steal one to satiate your thirst. 

The one problem was. . .

It was sitting atop the fridge. Out of your reach. And with the few inches Jake had on you, he’d stacked it up there so it would be out of the way. You remembered him saying those exact words as you eyed the package now. Hated those words. 

Because not only was it out of the way, it was out of your reach. Out of your reach when you were dying of thirst and needed a drink of water. Stat.

Without thinking of risking anything, you went to grab a table chair quickly and quietly.

You had to be quiet because Jake was home and you did not want to wake him. Not when you were in cavewoman mode. . . and especially not with the way your tits and ass were flashing in your current choice of clothing. Or with the ugly heart monitor that was attached to your chest.

So, as carefully as possible, you sat the chair next to the side of the fridge with the waters and climbed on top of the seat to grab the case of Pure Life. Briefly, you worried about handling a heavy object while pregnant, but put it to the side when you realized pregnant women all over America handled water cases like this. You were fine. 

In the lapse of time it took you to contemplate holding the waters, and getting it off the counter, you misplaced the package on the counter top. And right as you silently stepped off the chair, the waters came crashing down onto the floor of the kitchen. The harsh sound of plastic smashing against the ground, filled with several heavy bottles of water, seemed to linger in the air around you as you stood there. One foot still on the chair, one off ready to go. 

Not able to change the fact that it crashed onto the ground, you just stood there and stared at the offensive case of water for a moment and cursed it for its loudness. But before you could silently wish harm for too long, you were bending to pick it up. 

Once it had been safely placed back on the counter with careful hands, you glanced towards Jake’s room. No movement or sound from it. He probably hadn’t heard — deep in sleep. 

And then. . . Your pregnant brain was sparking to life. 

There was a fucking Brita in the fridge. Filled to the brim with ice cold water, versus the room temperature water in the case. You’d just filled it this morning before class. And ice cold water sounded so much more appealing than lukewarm. . . 

If only you’d remembered before that you had the filtered water waiting in the pitcher. . . There wouldn’t have been a giant crash to possibly wake your roommate. 

Putting all of the irritation out of your mind, you went to grab a glass quickly from the cabinet, then hastily pried the pitcher from the refrigerator. With nervous hands, you poured until the glass was literally overflowing. 

“Shit!” You whispered at the mess, anxious to be rid of this situation. Tired and thirsty and still feeling warm even in your cami and shorts, your ears rushed with white noise.

This was not ending up like you’d planned.

The pitcher had safely found its spot back in the fridge and you were finally taking a drink from your (overfilled) glass, when you decided to multitask and grab a few paper towels to clean up the counter.

But when they wouldn’t rip off the roll, you yanked too hard. And that resulted in the water you were still drinking, to spill. It dripped down your chin, down your top mostly, and into the top of your shorts. Sensory overload was doing what it did best, overwhelming you—making you lose grip and had the glass falling from your hand and to the ground. 

That shatter was much worse than the water case falling, the shards thankfully large, but the few sparkling pieces of glass had you shushing Stevie away when she approached with curiosity. 

And if Stevie was approaching, then surely someone else had heard—

“Y/n, what’s going on?” Jake hushed, his voice close behind you, sounding like it was coming from the entryway of the kitchen. 

You stilled. Of course he'd woken up. You’d made a fuck ton of noise. Real nice.

You turned on your heel, just the slightest bit, to peek over your shoulder at him. And with the luck you’d already had with the night, the action made you effectively slip from the bit of water that had made its way under your foot. 

Falling, more like—and not using the counter to catch yourself like a sane person—towards the hard ground and glass, bump—baby— first—fuckfuckfu—.

Jake’s arms immediately wrapped around you, effectively stopping your fall. He hugged you tightly to him. One arm wrapped fully around your stomach, hand secured to your side, firmly in place. And the other hand— gripping your breast. . . fully. 

He had you wrapped up in him, ass pulled into his crotch to keep you steady.

And ho-ly fuck.

Your nipple hardened instantly at the feeling of him holding your chest. You’d been waiting to feel his hand hold your sore breasts. . . And your assumption had been correct. His touch eased the pain in them, felt deliciously good—his touch didn’t hurt them like everyone else seemed to do on contact. 

But then he began moving his hands away. 

No.

“I’m sorry— I-I didn’t mean to—.”

“Stay.”

The word just slipped out as you grabbed hold of his hand, keeping it secured where he’d initially placed it, carefully situating his fingers over your nipple for the sensation you longed for. 

And when you did, he squeezed the flesh through your thin shirt. His other hand gripped your hip, exposed just a bit by your shirt – the way his fingers held you there made you fearful that he’d leave marks.

You fucking hoped so. 

And fuck, if he didn’t like it, too. You could feel it against your ass.

The way he continued to massage his other hand on your chest, wrapping his fingers securely around your breast, feeling it, told you so, too. The impulsive urge to pull down the top of your shirt and give him full access was becoming more and more appealing by the second. 

But you didn’t do it. Didn’t want to do too much and scare him away. 

You just let his arm come to rest where he apparently wanted it to, fully over the other breast. He comfortably situated his arm, rubbed a purposeful thumb over your sensitive nipple. 

“Jake,” you whispered. Couldn’t help it. He elicited this feeling. “Please.”

With your words, he pressed his front harder against your ass. God, you could feel the shape of him.

Letting the moment take over, you decided to let your body lean into his, rested against him and pushed your ass purposefully into his hardening dick. The breath he sucked in was not lost on you, and you craved hearing it again, so you repeated the action against him. 

His hand tightened around your breast, and he began massaging it as he used his grip to pull you even closer to him. His thumb moved to rub tight circles around your taut nipple. It felt so good. . . your head fell back against his shoulder, sucking in your own breath between your teeth. The way he gently kneaded the flesh in his strong grip had electricity shooting through your chest, all the way down to your toes. 

Your heart was going crazy, beating frantically, barely letting up with its assault against your chest. The feeling of him against you was enough to make you lose your breath with the way your heart was clenching in your chest, all the way up to your throat.

And then you heard a familiar, faint beeping from your bedroom.

The blessed heart monitor phone. Tracking when your heart rate would increase. The stupid phone didn’t need to tell you that it was beating hard right now. And so what if you fainted? You would do it in Jake’s arms. No better place to be. 

All you knew was that you were elated that it was still in your room – and quiet enough to the average ear that it hopefully didn’t break the air of want between you and this man you wanted so. badly. 

Jake hadn’t heard it - or didn't care to stop if he had, that much seemed to be clear.

He angled his hips, pressing so cozily into your backside. You could feel all of him – moving in slow circles, while still pressed tightly to your ass. That continued on for a while until he nudged himself, right in the middle of your ass. You felt him pulsing. Tucked into you, making your core throb even more for him.

Your nerves were on fire, and when he began rolling his hips, thrusting into your ass. . . you released the tiniest moan. It was such a small sound that you briefly thought you’d imagined it. But then the hand that had been holding your hip came to wrap around your throat briefly, and then up to your mouth. 

His breath came in hot waves against your ear, his voice gravelly with need. “It’s late. We shouldn’t make noise like that. It’s too late.”

After making his point known, his hand moved to sweep some hair over one shoulder, leaving your neck exposed for him to breathe hotly against. . . and then lick. Your breath hitched at the sensation of his wet tongue, making loose circles against your hot, sweating flesh.

“You still taste so good,” he moaned with the words, ever so quietly. “You always will–but it’s like you taste sweeter than before. I can’t even–.

But he never finished what he was saying, choosing instead to press sloppy kisses against your skin. His lips and his tongue, moving together to suck gently. 

Fuck! What had gotten into–?

Your body relaxed into him all on its own, moving near enough to him that you felt like one. 

Your ass ground against him, pressing so close. He kept with his motions as he angled his lips to hover above your bare shoulder, breath hot on your skin.

Though, his kisses stopped. But, he still released puffs of overexerted breaths, over your skin, wet from his mouth. It made your toes curl and your eyes fall closed. He didn’t give your neck any more attention as he used his position to lean up and look over the front of your body, effectively pulling you even closer to him. 

“God,” he breathed, his breath hitting from exposed shoulder, onto your collar bones. Your motions continued, but just a little slower to keep him where he was, not wanting to somehow push him away. You felt him, throbbing steadily against your ass. “You’re soaked.”

You have no idea, you silently, hotly responded, moving to rub your thighs together.

But you remembered your predicament. What he was talking about. Your clothes were completely soaked through. There had been so much water. He was talking about your clothes.

“I spilled my water,” you breathed back, so quiet. 

“I can see that. Y/n– fuck,” he rutted against your ass, his hand moving to the bottom of your full breast to hold it in a steady grip. You realized he was moving his hand to see the entire breast, your straining nipples through the soaked white fabric. “Your tits. . . they’re so fucking– Goddammit.”

“Sore,” you moaned back, your body arching in need against the hardness in his loose pajama pants. “Heavy.”

“God, I’m sor–,” he went to move his hand again. And you once again brought your hand up to stop him. 

“No, Jake,” you held his hand in a tight grip, rubbing your thumb over the back of it. “Feels good.”

“Yeah?” He questioned, raspy and needy. 

Then, he was suddenly letting go of your chest to move your strap to do what you so desperately wanted.

Once it was draped over your shoulder, he moved a hand slowly over your sternum, into the front of your shirt. When he grazed his fingers over your oversensitive nipple, you whined, knees buckling. And, finally, he pulled your breast out to touch the air. 

And just before he could hold it with the hand that was readily going to grasp it. . . his bedroom door was creaking open. 

“Jakey?” Maya’s voice rang through the apartment. “You okay?”

Of course she was here. Why wouldn’t she be? 

You hadn’t heard the tell-tale sign of anyone taking steps towards the kitchen from the slightly creaky hallway, but you still decided you needed to get the fuck away from Jake. He was not yours.

You pulled away harshly and quickly, turning around all as you went to pull up your tank.

When you fully turned around, he was standing stock-still, watching your every move with your top, not letting his eyes fall away from your breasts. Your hard nipples. You felt the blush spread across your entire chest.

Then he bit his lip, your entire body heating at the motion, before he was responding.

You moved forward to hold his cheek, trying to wake him from the daze he was in. Your words barely hit the air, you were so quiet. “Jake, go back to your room. I’ll clean this up so she doesn’t–.”

“I’m good, babe,” he called back to her in a low tone, still honing in on your eyes. Your brows dipped, confused. He looked to the fridge, his hand coming to hold your bicep, keeping you there. Why was he not getting his ass back to his room? “Y/n’s asleep and I really don’t want to wake her,” he lied, eyes still glued to something to your left.

She could walk in and see he was lying! Why was he being so fucking careless? 

“Just go back to bed,” he continued, leaving no room for argument or worry. “I dropped something when I was getting up to get some water.”

“Okay,” she responded, not using the same near-whispering tone as him. “Just don’t be long, baby.”

“I won’t,” he simply said, amber-brown irises, tracing back to yours in the dim lighting of the kitchen, highlighted by the moon, shining in through the kitchen window. Full moon. Anything can happen. 

And what was happening was wrong. 

When you heard his bedroom door click closed and a little squeak from the bed to indicate someone had placed weight on it, you pulled away from him, his arm slowly dropping back to his side. The eyes that stared back at yours had a question behind them, but you didn’t give him time to ask it.

“Jake,” your tone clipped and quiet. You didn’t want to break the ridiculous cover he’d mindlessly created. “Why the fuck did you lie like that?”

“I didn’t want her to come in here,” he cut back, his inflection reflecting the same hot energy as yours. “If she would’ve known we were both in here, she would have come looking. I don’t need that,” he insisted. “And neither do you. Especially with your tits on full fucking display like that.”

You glanced down, after he’d motioned momentarily at your chest. And, his words rang true when you realized your entire fucking nipple and areola was visible through the material. Even in the darkness of night, you could tell as much. Your arms flew up to snugly cover them, flinching at the way it felt like sharp needles were pressing into your chest momentarily.  

When you peered down to where you saw his hand moving, you realized he was palming himself through his pants. You felt yourself release, the slightest bit in your panties.

Your hands tightened closer to your chest, doing the opposite of what you wanted in that moment–you wanted to bring your shirt down over yourself and let him finish on your waiting ches–.

Suddenly the pressure against you was too much and your arms were falling from their place across your breasts. Thus, standing there, on full display. Right fucking there for stupid ass Maya to walk in at any moment. 

Honestly, you were the stupid ass. And it seemed like Jake was, too. 

Maya was the innocent one in all of this.

“Go wait in your room for me,” he whispered heatedly, his words piercing your heart at the anxious energy floating through your veins. “I’ll clean this up. And then I’ll be—.”

“But–,” you brought your arms up to your chest again, covering yourself. It was a brainless move to flash your chest like that. You didn’t want to tempt him in any way. “This is my mess just–.”

“Y/n,” he all but spit in your direction with the harshness in his whisper. “I don’t want you falling and hurting yourself on the water or glass. Please.”

Good point. 

So, you decided you’d do as you were told, though not without the last word.

“Fine,” you practically growled, stepping over water, his hand reaching out to you, trying to balance over a puddle pooled at your feet. You grabbed his hand, one arm covered your heaving chest, as you made your way over the mess, and finished your thought. “But don’t come to my room. Go back to bed. I don’t want Maya to–.”

“I don’t care right now–,” he cut you off, but you didn’t let him continue before interjecting. 

“You will in the morning, Jacob,” you bit back, making fiery eye contact, crossing your arms. The hiss you released at the feeling of both arms covering yourself again was embarrassing. So, you tried to play it off. “You will. Just don’t make the mistake of coming to see me ton–.”

“It wouldn’t be a mist–.”

“Jake. Yes it would,” you insisted with a tense whisper, taking one step towards him, not taking your eyes from his once. “I’m not going to have you ruin what you have with her just to make a fucking mistake with me.”

Throughout the span of that small conversation, you saw his eyes go through every possible wave of emotion. His beautiful, deep set eyes had started wide with excitement, to now being filled with white hot frustration. He was mad. 

The last emotion made its way straight to the pit of your tummy and to your panties as you felt them draw even wetter. Damn. You’d take any sex with Jake right now, but angry sex? Dammit if that didn’t get you–. 

No, y/n. Stop it.

“Do you not want this? Why were you—just minutes ago if you don’t–?”

“I never said I didn’t want it.” You flat-out said, without a second thought. Why even lie when you’d just exposed yourself with whatever you’d just done with him? To him?

The two of you stood there, watching each other with flushed cheeks, hot breaths, and equally heaving chests. 

God, you would not be able to hold onto your momentary flash of integrity if you didn’t finish your thought and leave him. 

“We just can’t do it. It wouldn’t be right,” you sniffed. Shit. Your throat was tightening, eyes collecting tears. “I don’t want to be the reason you leave a woman–the woman you love,” you choked, foolishly, on the emotion that quickly made its way from your throat to your eyes. “I just want you to be happy.”

His own expression matched yours, his eyes pooled with tears of dejection. There were once more a couple moments, filled with silence.

Silence, aside from your deep breathing, and wrought with an energy you couldn’t place. You had to get away from him.

“Just go to bed. I won’t fucking bother you,” he said, swallowing thickly. He then spoke your words from earlier. “And let me clean this up.”

Again, you sniffled, but nodded, looking down, to cover it with a barely there 'goodnight'.

He didn’t say anything else, just went about his business in the kitchen to put things back together, turning his back on you altogether.

Suffice to say, you cried for a good chunk of time as you laid in bed, after changing into a big t-shirt.

Cried big, fat, somber tears.

The crying had even lasted long enough, keeping you up to hear the bed creak much more than necessary when Jake got back to his bedroom. . . The sound of soft, pleasured moans from both of them, accompanying the groans of the bed as they moved on top of it.

Lucky fucking you. 

The bed that used to be yours when that room was yours. . . The acts being made against it that made you want to punch something - someone. Someone with long, black hair and a too-sweet expression.

Like a child, you growled and used a spare pillow to cover your ears until you couldn’t hear anything through the plush filling of the pillow.

You also tried to distract yourself with TikToks, but you couldn’t focus on your feed filled with BabyTok. It just made you sad and wistful as you thought of your day of book shopping with Jake. . .

About 30 minutes later, you figured the coast was clear. It had occurred to you after lying there, doing aimless shit, that you were still very thirsty. . . your tongue felt like cardboard in your mouth. 

When you opened the door to go to the kitchen, though, you found a tumbler that didn’t belong to you, waiting for you. And when you picked it up, you realized exactly who it belonged to. . . the words told you as much. 

Merry Christmas, Jacob Thomas! 

Love you, 

Mom 

The Cricut-vinyl lettering was placed carefully across the front of the black off-brand Yeti. What you found when you looked through the clear lid was a cup full of water. Iced water.

The crying that ensued as you closed the door and placed the cup on your nightstand was no surprise to you. The sweet action made your heart thrum with unbridled admiration for him. 

You hated how things were now. . . how simply interacting with him the way you had was a mistake. When you compared it to the way things had been before the fateful day in the kitchen, it made your stomach sink and your eyes well with more tears. 

Then there had been what you’d heard through the walls. . . it made you want to fucking vomit. But. . .you’d brought it on yourself. No question about it. 

Aaand, more of the damn tears. . .

After taking a few healthy swigs from the cup, you felt sleep find you without warning. Your eyes were beginning to close on their own.

And, as you faded into a well-earned sleep, the only solace you found that night was the smooth bump of your tummy, which your hands held protectively–longingly–as you wandered to sleep.

-🌼🌼🌼-

a/n: hmmmmm what do you think will follow that night in the kitchen?????

Change the World from Friendsgiving :)

ty for being the best readers in the world and pleaseee never hesitate to send in your wonderful thoughts! love youuuu &lt;3

& as usual, it wouldn’t let me tag some of y’all. :( so please check to see that you’re down there because if you’ve asked to be on the taglist, i tried to tag you. buuuut tumblr wouldn’t let me do it for everyone 🙃 ugh. and if i somehow forgot to tag someone, please also let me know that! (i'm a NOOB and i have terrible memory)

Taglist:

@joshym, @gretavanfleetposts, @alyson814, @fretaganvleet, @lallisonl, @writingcold, @gvfpal, @twinszka, @jessicafg03, @reesetrippingthelight, @sacredjake, @laurenlovesgretavanfleet, @gretavangroove, @222headedcalf, @dreamssingold, @carbondancingthroughtime, @raviolilegs, @way-to-go-lad, @jakekiszkasmommy, @katgvf, @objectsinspvce, @jaketlover, @vanfleeter, @thetroublegetssoloud71, @seditabets, @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface, @jaketlove, @ohgodthefeeling-gvf, @starcatcher-jake, @anythingforjtk, @lucimoo, @indigostreakmorgan, @gretavanbear, @katelynn-gvf, @alwaysonthemend

@aintthatapity, @bowievanfleet, @fwzco, @takenbythemadness, @cherry-icecreamsmile, @laneygvf, @hi-hi-hello11, @sinarainbows, @jakesbarbarian, @mybussyinchrist, @becinabubblegvf, @heckingfrick, @danigvf, @pinkandsleepy1934, @derrangeddumpsterfire, @klarxtr, @josh-iamyour-mama, @abby-gvf, @cassyface, @gretavansabotage, @sacredtheslay, @alienobsever, @hollyco, @age0fwagner, @raceb14, @stardustcatcher, @styles-canvas, @ladywhimsymoon, @earthgrlsreasy, @peaceloveunitygvf

@torniturntomyarrow, @joshsbonnet, @llrosee, @starshine-gvf, @itsafullmoon, @gvfmarge, @creadliz98, @mackalah, @lek-gvf, @carlyfleet, @profitofthedune, @mefiorini, @welllauragvf, @highway-tuna, @dont-go-home-without-me, @sarah-gvf01, @polemicandcontent, @ageofbajabule, @texas-bbq-pringles

(i think i figured out the tags limit! woooohoooo!! boo, tumblr. you're not getting me down today lmao)

[lowkeyrobin]

I'm sorry for spamming you I'm just really excited--

Reader who also streams and just rants a lot while they play Stardew Valley?

Like mid milking a cow or something they pause the game and rant about how to kiss someone or smth?...

-🌕 anon! <3

AH OMG DONT WORRY ABOUT SPAMMING I LOVE YOU GUYS 🫶🫶🫶 but I absolutely love this LMAO I made this into a preference setup instead of a oneshot bc I didn't know exactly who you wanted and I was having difficulty finding a way to stretch it out that long anyways. idk much about stardew valley so bare with me, I rewatched Tommy's video of him playing w Molly to help me 💀💀

MCYT ; stardew valley rants

includes ; tommyinnit, ranboo, tubbo, freddie badlinu, niki nihachu, foolish gamers & quackity

warnings ; language

masterlist

TOMMYINNIT

you'll just be doing some tasks and be like "you know, I've never kissed anyone before. like, how does that work?"

meanwhile Tommy came over a little bit ago to hang out after stream and he just looks at you like 🤨😨

"youve never kissed anyone?? wait... we haven't kissed before? y/n/n, what?"

you shake your head no, confirming that you guys actually never kissed somehow, your relationship was kinda new in both of your defenses.

"we've only been dating like, 2 months, it's fine"

"ARE YOU TRYING TO BE A KISSING VIRGIN FOREVER????"

literally have your first kiss on stream bro

THE EDITS 🫶🙏 I CANT EVEN

the cutest shit ever

TUBBO

you were playing stardew valley for a little calm/lofi stream before you went out to film with tubbo & tommy for a little challenge video

you got a little quiet after a while and started ranting about drama at school

you had some class time with a bunch of popular girls and you didn't exactly fit in with them and drama was starting to arrise

for a solid hour you were ranting about it

tubbo had your stream on as bg noise as he was on the bus to meet up with you and tommy

when you meet up afterwards his first words to you are "did you actually just rant for an hour about school drama?"

you nod and awkwardly smile cause you didn't know he was watching

"you're interesting to say the least"

"you are too!"

RANBOO

you literally paused the whole game mid-farming to rant about some restaurant you and ranboo went to the past day

chat was exploding with "oooo they went on a date" and you were just like "guys it was good food, 10/10"

they get you to join a call with them and you guys talk about it together and your whole experience and how awesome the food was

not to mention the aesthetic of the restaurant was so well put together

you got back to your stream with a little story for your viewers

BADLINU

you started ranting about a movie/show you're fixated on at the moment

went through all the lore, all the characters, background info, etc

Freddie was watching and using tts to talk to you

he encouraged it dw

like he was holding a convo w you and everything it was the cutest shit ever

the edits.

also people clipped the whole like half hour long thing and posted it to YouTube like "y/u/n and badlinu talk about ___!"

you don't even remember it within a week but HE DOES

just one of those cute relationship moments he loves to think about

QUACKITY

you were playing stardew while he was playing gta and you were on a vc together

so obv it kinda sounded crazy 💀💀

"y/n I'm gonna drive my Honda Accord over there and kill all your cows!"

"I swear to God, quackity, don't even dare"

not really ranting but you were yelling threats at him and shit LMAO

NIHACHU

you guys were playing together 🫶

you were teaching her how to do everything and stuff

you eventually went on a tangent about things you do and don't like about the game

she was agreeing to your solid points and stuff

that turns into a rant about hair color and if she can color your hair for you LMAO

FOOLISH GAMERS

"Dude, how do people do that van life shit? I'd die doing that"

straight up hour and a half rant about how much you hate van life tik tokkers while playing stardew valley

he's in your chat like "Yes 100 percent" and adding onto your points LMAO

you both share a hate for van life mfs

[crimium]

My thoughts on the new Hifuu Album

Well, Taboo Japan Disentanglement just came out! after reading the story and listening to the tracks, I thought I'd share my thoughts on the album!

The tracks

I'm going to go through the album tracks in order and give my individual thoughts on them.

1 - Morning Comes on Tanabata Hill (Original)

This is surprisingly emotional for an opening track. The new drum set here is wonderful, and the piano is soothing and atmospheric. I do think the melody is kind of all over the place though, and it's a bit hard to follow. All in all, a really nice calming song.

2 - Tinkerbell of Inequality (Original)

I've been excited to listen to this one ever since the album got announced because of the interesting title, and HOLY SHIT THIS SONG IS AMAZING. The instrumentation is so weird but oh so good. The track is ominous but jazzy. The melody is catchy. It reminds me of GFC and CoSD, with it's apocalyptic futuristic vibe. This is easily the best track in the album. Solid.

3 - Does the Forbidden Door Lead to This World, or the World Beyond? (HSiFS arrangement)

Now we get to the arrangements. The song is sporting a new drum set and piano, and I can safely say that the instrumentation is a huge improvement to the original. To be frank, I'm not too much of a fan of HSiFS's instrumentation, now don't get me wrong, the songs are great, but they suffer a bit because the instruments ZUN uses are a bit lackluster. Here, that is not the case, this a great arrange. Something I do want to note, is that the BPM of the arranges seems to be lowered a bit from their original counterparts. Not a bad thing, but it's interesting to keep in mind as you keep listening.

4 - Smoking Dragon (UM arrangement)

HOOOOOOLYYYYYY SHIIIIIIIT. The key change. the new drumset. the new, climactic/triumphant atmosphere. The new section added in??? It's all so perfect, this does the original song justice. I love this so much. One of my favorite arranges in the whole album.

5 - Mugen Noh ~ Taboo Marionette (Original)

This song is calming, but sinister sounding as well. It hits a nice balance of calming and uneasy. The instrumentation, once again, is really good here. I do feel that the electric guitar a bit later in feels a bit out of place, but in general, the song creates a really good atmosphere, and it's definitely a standout track.

6 - Crazy Backup Dancers (HSiFS arrangement)

I don't really have much to say about this one, other than that it's a fairy good arrangement of the original song. ZUN added a new synth(?) into the mix, which gives it a distinct sound from the original. It's fun!

7 - Yorimashi Between Dreams and Reality ~ Necro-Fantasia (AoCF arrange)

ZUN. you can't keep getting away with this. This is peak. The song has a newly added intro of the Necrofantasia main theme before the song kicks in, and WOW does it create an atmosphere. The instrumentation is once again great and the key change (that just dissapears half-way through lmao) is also really cool. This is a great track.

8 - The Lonesome Path in Hitachi (Original)

A surprisingly upbeat track given the title. It's composed in swing rhythm, and because of that, it kinda reminds me of Let's Live in a Lovely Cemetery and Like the Brilliance of Fairies. Not that that's a bad thing, but it does make it sand out a bit less for me. Still a good track, though! Also ZUN chill out with those reverbs

9 - The Lamentations Known Only by Jizo (WBaWC arrange)

I like the new choir here, it makes it sound more dramatic. I am a bit disappointment that the flute kind of overshadows the Spooky Lead from the original, but it's not a bad arrangement at all. And man this drum set is really doing wonders rn

10 - The Concealed Four Seasons (HSiFS arrange)

WOW. TALK ABOUT A GREAT FINALE. This arrangement tweaks just enough without completely changing the vibe of the original song, and it's fantastic. About halfway through, there's a key change that makes it sort of feel like a phase 2 to the song, and it really completes the whole package. Fantastic.

11 - Apparitions Abound Even Outside of Night (Original)

Oh cool, what a nice, calming, uplifting trac- ZUN WHAT ARE YOU DOING. So the song starts off very calming and atmospheric, and then turns into digi-rock like a minute in. It's kind of jarring but I think it works, the song is still fantastic, and does a good job wrapping things up for the album, and the story. Speaking of which...

The story (spoiler warning)

Without going into too much detail, because I highly recommend you read the story on your own, the predictions of Merry and Renko being separated where not exactly wrong, although I think the story was a lot less heartbreaking than everyone thought it would've been. It serves as a nice drama and really shows how these characters relate to each other. Seeing Renko drop everything just to save Merry shows that even if they get on the wrong foot, they're still the Hifuu club, through and through.

In conclusion, this album is absolutely stellar. ZUN's instrumentation this time around is incredibly diverse, and I can tell he was having fun experimenting. The story is also well written, showcasing these two characters and their conflicting yet similar ideals. Please, go give this album a listen! It may have been 8 years since the last hifuu album, but it was definitely worth the wait.

[thethirdromana]

In honour of Doctor Who's 60th birthday, here are 60* things that I like about less popular** Doctor Who stories.

(*in multiple posts because I'm falling foul of the character limit)

(**IMDB rating of less than 7/10)

1. Susan is great in The Sensorites. She's at her absolute best in stories like this where she gets to be genuinely a bit alien and a bit weird.

2. "So," said someone at the BBC, "we're going to produce an allegory for different political systems, using insects. Choreographed by a mime artist. On a budget of about £2.50." The Web Planet might not entirely have succeeded, but my god, you have to love that they tried.

3. They introduced Jamie, the best companion, in The Highlanders! How is does this have less than a 7/10 rating, what is wrong with you people. It's Jamie.

4. I applaud the utter bonkersness of The Underwater Menace, and Patrick Troughton really gives it socks.

5. The Wheel in Space is proper 60s sci-fi: Servo-Robots, x-ray lasers, radio beams! I can practically smell Penguin mass-market paperbacks thinking about it. And with the introduction of Zoe, it completes my all-time favourite TARDIS team.

6. The Dominators contains the Quarks, who are adorable. They weren't supposed to be, but it doesn't matter.

7. Zoe is still relatively new to the TARDIS, but she has heaps to do in The Krotons. Nice having a female companion who's written as smart and capable.

8. We have entered the 70s, so with Colony in Space, we get Social Issues. Especially an Evil Mining Corporation, which are always fun.

9. More Social Issues in The Mutants, but this time they're paired with big sci-fi ideas. Ancient tablets! Strange life cycles! Love how much is going on here.

10. The Time Monster is like the Eurovision of Doctor Who. Deeply silly, but what would Doctor Who be without silliness? I'm sorry about Jo's coccyx too.

11. I love that they returned to Peladon in The Monster of Peladon, especially with the 50-year time jump. I'd like to see that kind of follow-up more often.

12. Is it not cool to love K9 any more? Well, I like my Doctor Who with a dose of silliness, and The Invisible Enemy delivered that. Every time traveller needs a robot dog.

13. The design of the Seers in Underworld is excellent, I love a brass dome.

14. Doctor Who doesn't have enough giant squidmonsters looming on the horizons. I'm glad the The Power of Kroll does something to address the deficit.

15. The Creature from the Pit gave us the line "a teaspoon and an open mind", and I appreciate it for that at least.

16. Romana wears one of her best of many splendid outfits in The Horns of Nimon.

17. I liked all the arch dialogue between the Doctor, Enlightenment and Persuasion in Four to Doomsday.

18. Heathrow airport is an underrated setting. I also appreciate how Time-Flight prominently features Concorde, making it far more 80s than they could ever have planned.

19. I don't intend this to be damning with faint praise (even though it probably sounds like it) but my favourite thing about Arc of Infinity is that we get a little jaunt through 80s Amsterdam. I do love a tram.

20. Babyfaced Martin Clunes doing his spoiled princeling thing in Snakedance is enjoyably disconcerting.

21. Terminus is tense and scary and bleak. Another one that I'd expected to be more highly rated.

22. Warriors of the Deep gives us a very solid base under siege. Silurians + Cold War is a winning combination.

23. Landing in a modern village doing a historical re-enactment in The Awakening is a witty touch.

24. I can’t say I enjoyed the idea of the Doctor’s violent moods in The Twin Dilemma, but I have to commend it as a punchy way to introduce the new regeneration.

25. The Mark of the Rani should surely get some love just for introducing the Rani: camp, delightful, iconic.

26. Herbert turning out to be HG Wells in Timelash is a lovely twist and handled well.

27. The Trial of a Time Lord is so grand and ambitious. If the show hadn't been struggling in general at this point, it would be among the all-time greats.

28. With its colour-coded gangs and faux-urban slang, Paradise Towers is gloriously of its time in a way that currently feels quite naff, but that I suspect will be fascinating to revisit in about 30 years.  

29. Delta and the Bannermen is action-packed and has one of the best titles in 80s Who.

30. Possibly the most terrifying moment in all of Doctor Who is Kane's face melting in Dragonfire. This series is nothing if it doesn't send children running for safety behind the sofa.

31. Got to love it when Who gets aggressively anti-Thatcher, and they never did it more than in The Happiness Patrol.

[lullabyes22-blog]

Could you write Vi sevika jinx Grayson and ambassa laying on top of th reader as a cuddling position? Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine's Day to you too<3

Vi: This woman is a warm weighted blanket. She's solid, but also soft in all the right places. A definite treat to have draped over you. Bonus: you get fingers running gently through your hair until you doze off. Sometimes she'll hum a little lullaby. For such a rough bruiser, she has a voice like an angel. 10/10

Sevika: She's not much of a cuddler. Her lying on top of you may be either right before, or right after sex. It's blissful while it lasts, though. She's like a gently-glowing oven, and just as solid. You will be toasty as a loaf of bread. Bonus: if she's sleepy or in a good mood, you'll have her murmuring praise and pet names, until you're blushing to the soles of your feet. A pity she eventually sloughs her weight off and either rolls over to fall asleep, or heads to take a shower. 8/10

Jinx: If she's puddled on top of you, chances are, she's leaving puddles in other ways, too. Puddles of tears, I mean. She's emotionally needy and needs a lot of physical contact during moments of distress. If something sets her off, she will latch on like a leech to her Favorite Person and not let go. Instead of relaxing cuddles, you may need to soothe her, and gently talk her down. Bonus: after she's all cried out, she will go limp and make adorable whrrrrrr sounds like a cat in her sleep. Your shirt will be damp with tears and snot, though. 5/10

Grayson: Have you ever fallen asleep under a shady tree, with a steady wind whispering through the air? That's what cuddling with this sturdy oak of a woman is like. She's not soft, but she has such an air of calm stillness that you'll feel one-hundred percent better, no matter what your state of mind. Sometimes, if she's in an indulgent mood, she'll share funny stories about her days working the beat. You will fall asleep giggling and feeling absolutely safe. 9/10

Ambessa: If she's cuddling you, then, like a tigress, she's mauling you at the same time. You'll feel like you're half delicacy being sampled, half pet being pampered - but all in all, you won't get much say in whether the cuddles stay soft or if they devolve into something rougher and naughtier. Silly thing. Did you think you'd be allowed naptime so soon? 9/10 but then spooning turns to forking etc...

[magicalyaku]

Ok ok, let's get back on track. Work was draining these past weeks, but I'm on vacation now, so time to catch up! June was the month of the library books. I put a bunch on hold in April and May and they all came in at the same time. And after up to 10 weeks of waiting I was not about to push a single one back further, so I had to work a bit there. 8D Also, according to my list I've read 51 books in the first 6 months of the year. I seem to remember wanting to read less this year? Yeah. Not going well.

Gwen & Art are Not in Love (Lex Croucher): I read it in the very first days of June, which was basically an eternity ago, so my memory is a bit wonky. I do remember I had lots of fun! It was funny and sweet with a solid story and serious times when needed, nice characters, good adventure. The female lead did not get on my nerves! There was a cat! And a girl with a (legendary) sword! I think, though, it's a bit unfair that both boys ended up with permanent bodily harm while the girls got away scratchfree … Go read it!!

Thief in the Night (KJ Charles): I didn't know anything about this other than the summary when I put it on my waitlist in the library. After 10 weeks it finally came in and my first thought was "Is it broken?!" because it's only about 100 pages! It is a full story, mind you, I was just so suprised by it (and because I waited for so long!). It's a companion story to The Gentle Art of Fortune Hunting, featuring the brother of the protagonists of that one. It's pretty cute. Super short, but just the right length for a simple story. We can have a simple story once in a while. I had a good time reading this.

The Gentle Art of Fortune Hunting (KJ Charles): I borrowed this right after Thief in the Night. This is a full-length novel, so it has a lot more time to dive into characters and intricacies. It's nice. Like not groundbreaking, but very enjoyable. There's this thing about (pseudo-historic) British aristocracy that just calls for mocking them. I liked a lot how the climax and ending played out!

Flowerheart (Catherine Bakewell): Now this was another difficult book for me. I thought with time I'd get a little more chill with YA fantasy heroines. Seems I'm not there yet. The heroine here has these whiny self-pitying phases that really annoyed me. She's like "Oh maybe he never liked me in the first place" just because the guy didn't want her help at one thing. But: 1) He was her very close childhood friend, that was not a lie. 2) She has like one day of training in and can't control her magic, so her help would be … probably no help at all. And 3) when he told her before that he needs her on the weekends she said no, she can't … So why is she getting upset?! I hate characters like this. /D But thankfully, this is only half of the time, the other half she's pretty ok (the guy as well) and I actually found myself liking the book. The romance is acceptable and it does have some nice imagery going on with all the flower magic and stuff.

Sounds Fake But Okay (Sarah Costello & Kayla Kaszyca): My one non-fiction book of the year. :D It's about seeing the world from the perspectives of a_spec people. Like taking apart all that amatonormativity and all these ideas about romance and family and stuff that most of our world sees as right and normal. So it's not just a "let me tell you what aromanticism and asexuality are"-book but dives a bit deeper. I found it insightful. I think, both a_spec and allo people can take something away from reading this. Challenging our social constructs in thought at least can't hurt after all. Regarding the ebook library edition I read I didn't quite like the layout as the incorporated community quotes where not well marked and I stumbled over them a few times before realising it's another quote. That's probably no issue in the paper version though. I also struggled to tell the authors Sarah and Kayla apart. They introduce themselves and their stories in the beginning but I immediately jumbled them up ...

Captive Prince Trilogy (C.S. Pacat): I borrowed the English edition from the library … and didn't want to return it! Which is stupid because I own the German version in paper. But that kinda sums up how I feel about these books. Captive Prince was not the very first gay fantasy book I read almost two years ago but the first one I liked. (The actual first was Rowan & Ash by Christian Händel which had a terribly selfish love interest and shied away from all the important conflict. (And yeah, long before that I did read The Raven Cycle but I picked that one up for the Ley lines and the no-kiss-promise. The gay was just a pleasant surprise, so I don't count it.)) Which is funny, because especially the beginning is so filthy! I remember being quite put off by this the first time around, but apparently it was intriguing enough to continue reading. I like the incredible slow-burn of Damen's and Laurent's relationship. The slow building of trust in a surrounding where trust is so rare. How shit happens between them and they have to sort it out on page before progressing. How you only catch glimpes of Laurent's true self for a long time. I like it when authors feel smart through their writing and writing Laurent's and the Regent's intrigues and all the different settings with war strategies etc. sure does feel smart to me. I like the slow-burn in stories as well when things start at some point and only get important much later and all weaves together beautifully. It's so rewarding. Look, where we started - look, how far we've come! Hah. u3u

Riley Weaver Needs a Date for the Gaybutante Society (Jason June): For the end of the month I went for something light and funny. Of all the authors I read last year F.T. Lukens and Jason June stuck with me the most. Lukens for the cozy charming fantasy and June for the slightly silly noisy onea. Riley Weaver is no exception to that. It does have a serious undertone and message, though, but due to the framework of the story it manages to never feel dull or preachy.

I also tried to read Dragonfall by L.R. Lam, but gave up after just 50 pages. I can't even say if it's good or bad, because I don't know. I couldn't stand the viewpoints. Like, there's three people. The first one is a 1st person narrator, who refers to the second person as You, but in the narration, not dialogue! That put me off so much. It was so … icky! The second person narrates 1st person as well. If there's another "you" I don't know because I didn't make it to the point where they meet for real. And then the third person comes along and … it's 3rd person?! And I screamed! God, I hate that. I mean, it can work and I have read books that I like with inconsistent viewpoints but there was nothing here for which I was willing to endure. To be fair, I don't like dragons in the first place, so maybe we never were a good match from the start. :'D

That's it for June!

[agentnico]

Top 10 BEST Movies of 2023

Happy New Year everyone! Hope you all partied hard and are now surviving a dreadful hangover by sitting with your family or friends and enjoying a well deserved marathon of Lord of the Rings. 2023 - what a year! In the movie biz alone there were those little minor events known as the strikes of the actors and writers. Just when we thought COVID was over and stopped affecting releases, these strikes were like “errr no, actually..!”. To be fair, the way the streaming services were underpaying their actors and the studios enforcing AI so much into the media, it was good that these artists stood up for themselves and showed it to the man so to speak! Anyway, we’re not here to talk Hollywood politics, but to celebrate all the quality filmmaking that was exhibited this past year. I’d say in all honesty this year felt weaker compared to 2022. To be fair last year gave us Everything Everywhere All at Once, Top Gun: Maverick and of course the legendary RRR, so the bar was high for 2023. That being said, I still enjoyed some solid films, so let’s rank my Top 10 favourite movies of 2023, but first some honourable mentions…

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

Evil Dead Rise - one heck of a gore fest, and the best opening title card of the year hands down!

Past Lives - a simple yet brutally honest love story.

The Boy and the Heron - Wanna hear Robert Pattinson sound like not Robert Pattinson?!

The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar - Wes Anderson and Roald Dahl are a match made in heaven.

Barbie - I’m Just Ken…need I say more??

Wonka - Timmy makes for a good Willy.

Right, with that, let’s get into the actual fun stuff - The Top 10 Best Movies of 2023!…

10) GUY RITCHIE’S THE COVENANT - The least Guy Ritchie film Guy Ritchie has ever directed and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Away with the rough East End and grizzly jokes, and instead what we have is a very reserved and straight-faced war thriller. Honestly I was so surprised with how much I was engaged and invested in The Covenant - it is a thrilling pulse-racing story of survival that adds to the dread that elements of it are true to many people’s reality. Truly, this is a well-made movie!

9) TETRIS - You hear of a movie titled Tetris and one has to wonder if we have another Emoji Movie on our hands, where we get little tetra shaped characters goofing about in some animated mathematics world trying to force an unfunny joke upon our poor heads. Luckily that’s not the case, as instead this is a behind-the-scenes look at the legal drama behind the ownership of the game rights, and though that may not sound that fun, the movie is surprisingly very entertaining with some visual pixel tricks, a great soundtrack, delightful nostalgia, a fast-paced ante-upping narrative set in the backdrop of the Soviet Union and an adorable Taron Egerton in the middle of it all. Honestly, I’m shocked at how much I digged the Tetris movie!

8) GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 3 - Marvel is evidently in a rut, but a rare bright spark in recent memory was the final instalment of James Gunn’s take on the fun dysfunctional space family. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 is a wonderful ride, bringing lots of great humour, character dynamics and emotion, and gets you hooked on a feeling…one last time. Oh, and Gunn finally managed to properly show Nathan Fillion’s face in a Marvel movie, and that in itself is a win!

7) MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: DEAD RECKONING - PART ONE - Tom Cruise - what a guy! I mean yes he’s a Scientologist, has a constant death wish by breaking his ankles on film sets and also guilty of jumping on Oprah’s sofa like a monkey, but my my is he a charmer! You guys know the drill with these Mission Impossible movies - Tom Cruise throws his body around like a potato fearing not for his life nor broken limbs, but you have to respect the man for wanting to give the audience their tickets’ worth of entertainment, and Dead Reckoning not disappoint! There’s never a dull moment, the action is constantly inventive and exciting, and honestly with how consistent the quality of these films are, I say keep ‘em coming, Cruise-man!

6) DREAM SCENARIO - Anyone who knows me knows how much I love me some Nicolas Cage! The guy’s an acting legend, and he’s had it rough a decade ago when he got stuck paying off hi tax money and starring in crappy B-movies, but recently he’s been on a hot streak of great original content, and Dream Scenario adds to that. I love this idea of a random dude suddenly appearing in people’s dreams for absolutely no reason. It’s so rare to have a new original conception in a film in our day and age, and the execution here is great. As a bonus, the movie features possibly the best fart joke in the history of the cinema.

5) OPPENHEIMER - On one had this is probably the most “well-made” movie of 2023 cinematically speaking. Christopher Nolan does not hold back in using his typical non-linear way of storytelling, with the film weaving narratives and different time periods seamlessly as it explores the profound depths of a man who’s actions altered the world’s trajectory forever, for better or worse. It’s an incredible historical piece of cinema, and the movie gets extra points for the whole ‘Barbenheimer’ phenomenon, but the reason this film is not higher on the list is due to the fact that I believe it is overrated. Cause every single person raved about how bloody amazing this thing was, I became tired of the positivity. Yeah, I know, I’m being a Scrooge but what you gonna do about it?? Oppenheimer is stuck at No. 5!

4) KILLERS OF THE FLOWER MOON - When a movie forces you to stay in the cinema for over 3 hours, it better be one epic film, as your man here was straining his bladder to health threatening levels. However this is a Martin Scorsese picture, as such this is event cinema! And this one may be up there with one of his best. Killers of the Flower Moon is a major saga of greed, murder, corruption and despair, told through the eyes of a filmmaker who somehow is still managing to mature more as a director even though he’s already over 80 years of age.

3) THE HOLDOVERS - The Holdovers is very much a vibes movie. It has that old-timey retro feel to it from how it is shot to make it look like it’s from the 70s (reminiscent of John Hughes films and Dead Poets Society). You also have the constant snow falling and the Christmas music just really delivers that cozy winter feel. It’s a wholesome Christmas movie through and through. Paul Giamatti gives a career-best performance and the writing is absolutely stellar, as such The Holdovers is destined to become a holiday classic.

2) BEAU IS AFRAID - A. 3-hour long anxiety attack that A24 spent $30 million to produce. For a movie studio to spill out such a massive amount of cash on a completely original IP that is divisively out-there and wild is such a unique thing to happen in Hollywood in this day and age, that like the film or not this act needs to be applauded. It just so happens that Beau Is Afraid is batshit bonkers and truly an act of madness, yet one that I will forever cherish. I bet David Lynch had the biggest hard-on when he watched this movie - you betcha!

1) SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE - Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse is, put simply, brilliant! It’s everything that made Into the Spider-Verse great dialled up to 1000%, and the result is honestly fantastic. Look, I watch a lot of movies. And yeah, movies are great and I love them deeply. But in watching so many films I have in a way lost that magic of being in awe every time I go to the cinema. Cliches and repetitiveness in films stick out like sore thumbs. However with Across the Spider-Verse I felt like a kid again, purely stunned in amazement at every single frame, engaged with the characters and story-line, not knowing where it will go next. Like I cannot reiterate how much fun I had watching this movie! The animation is phenomenal, the narrative so rich, a pulse-throbbing music score (I even have Pemberton’s score on vinyl now just cause I love it so much!) superb character development and so many fun and unexpected twists and turns. Across the Spider-Verse is THE movie of 2023 for me and I believe this is the first time ever an animation took a top spot on my list. Here’s hoping Part 3 of the Spider-Verse saga will play out like The Return of the King!

There you have it - my favourite films of 2023. Naturally I don’t expect my list to be the same as yours, so don’t go throwing a tantrum if I missed out a movie you loved. Or do throw a tantrum, see if I care. But also don’t, cause like we’re all friends here, right? Right??!

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - I’m largely pleased with BL & pissed with Kpop

April 2023 Wk 3

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Step By Step (Thai Tues WeTV & Gaga) ep 1 of 10 (MDL says 12, but I think it’s just 10) - Abused intern trope is a go! I wasn’t sure I would like the lead, but he’s totally adorable. Although (I gotta say it) who tf eats a croissant with a knife & fork? Also.. the main couple has good chemistry! Hallyfuckingluya! In fact, the quality of the acting and sound etc is generally superior to a normal pulp. It’s good! This is a good show? How exciting! 

Our Skyy 2 (PondPhuwin) eps 1-2 - Honestly, I was nervous to watch this but I liked it a lot! Doomed soulmates + paranormal time travel to fix the past. I’m happy for the outfits and the dancing (if not the singing). It’s not a bad premise and it’s nice to see GMMTV lean into its high production values for a change. I could’ve watched this as an actually full length BL. Gotta say, Puhwin’s English is so good and v west coast USA accent (international school kiddo got skillz). Meanwhile, loved seeing MarcPuwin again. My Gear & Your Gown disappointing us wasn't their fault. *Hilarious that Marc is side couple in 3 BLs airing simultaneously, that’s a record! (Waves at Marc X1.) I’ll be rating each of these installments separately, as I did the first time around. This one gets an 8/10 from me.

Bed Friend (Sat YT, GaGa & iQIYI uncut) ep 10fin - A very Check Out the series ending. Disastrous sun glasses. King being shy was adorable. Nevertheless I do think the final 2 eps felt a little tagged on and superfluous excess. Ultimately? This just wasn’t as good as the first 5 episodes set us up to hope for. Series review below.  

Pastsenger (Thai Weds Gaga) ep 7 of 12 eps - Cute confession and boyfriends phase. The bit with brothers’ boyfriends serving each other food was kinda charming. Could do without blushing maiden trope. But hey ho. (Waves at Marc X2.) 

A Boss and a Babe (Fri YouTube) ep 8 of 12 - Cute phi/nong convo and teasing, but this is largely boring. I do like that the conflict is all about business loyalty, cubical friendships, and coworker gossip. This is as it should be in an office romance. But I wish the characters were consistent.  

Tin Tam Jai (Tues Gaga & iQIYI) ep 9 of 12 - The boyfriends phase. I just know with this show that the moment it ends I’m going to entirely forget about it. It’s boring.  

Chains of Heart (Sat iQIYI) ep 10fin - What a waste. Seriously don’t bother. It seems to end unhappily, but maybe not, but also who tf cares? 3/10 Series review below, for my sins. (Waves at Marc X3.) 

Future (Thai Sun YouTube & Gaga) ep 5fin - It was Songkran so no new ep until tomorrow. May your New Year be blessed. 

The Promise (Thai Weds YT & WeTV) ep 7 of 10 - the put YT on a week delay off WeTV, so I will watch it next week. I have WeTV but I prefer YT. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Unintentional Love Story (Korea Thurs iQIYI) 9-10 fin - Awe a crying kiss. My fav! This one was fine. Not a v good kiss but KBL has to bow to form on occasion. The sides didn’t get much of a resolution. (Although we know why.) It was a solid ending. Series review below. 

Our Dining Table AKA Bokura no Shokutaku (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 3 of 10 - this ep was a little slow for me, oh I know, that’s what this show is doing, but yeah. Still it’s soft and sweet and wonderful. Why are you not watching it? Go. Now. 

The Eighth Sense (Korea Weds Viki) eps 7-8 of 10 - Honestly? I checked out a bit this installment. Possibly because JaeWon checked out as well. I mean, I understand what the narrative is doing, portraying JW coping (badly) with loss and the complex knot of guilt, love, fear, lust, and shame. But I don’t really feel drawn into a romance when the main characters are separated for most of an hour. I do like JiHyun’s personality shift and aggressive stance on renewing the relationship. That’s fun to watch. And I do love his besties. Of course ep 8 ends with major heartbreak and pain. I expected nothing less from this show. Gotta admit I’m a little mad tho, I wanted it to EXCEED my expectations. 

My Story (Pinoy Sat YouTube) ep 2 of 10 - I don’t like one of the couples (not side dishes, this is a 50/50 split) but I weirdly like Sky’s new arc, even if he’s with someone new. 

Naked Dinner AKA Zenra Meshi (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 2 of 12 - it’s just so odd. I can’t believe THIS is the JBl we get 12 eps of. This one?  Japan, must you? (How many times a year do I type that phrase?)

Finished this Week

Unintentional Love Story - A boy who just lost his job due to faked corruption charges accidentally discovers his ex-boss’s favorite artist, now a recluse. His ex-manager offers him his job back if he can convince the artist to rejoin society. Instead, they fall in love. Gongchan (maknae of B1A4) carried this show (which I don’t expect from the idol element). He was luminous with extraordinarily expressive eyes. That said, he had weak chemistry with his co-lead. But everything else was quietly queerly KBL pristine and beautifully executed, even the conflict. I’m not sure on rewatchability for me, and it didn’t whip me into a verbal frenzy the way some KBLs do but it’s still getting a solid 9/10 

Bed Friend - Office frienamies transition a flaming hot one night stand into a f-buddy relationship, that is essentially built on a puppy/cat dynamic (and kinks into it at one point). Our puppy is loyal, smitten, and protective with endlessly worshipful eyes, while our cat is snarky, prickly, and deeply damaged (ALL THE TRIGGERS). NetJames give lovely high-heat with excellent chemistry and tuned-in performances of surprising depth, unfortunately the story ultimately failed them. Had the show had the strength of its convictions and kept to a tighter, darker, harsher 8 eps it would have been the first high heat to earn 10/10 from me, but once they fussed with it, it dropped to a solid 8/10. Could have been great but they overworked it. Still if high heat is your thing, this one will not let you down. Full review here.

Chains of Heart - This was a terrible show, unbelievably confusing, badly subbed, with characters behaving illogically, nonsensically, and heartlessly. What’s worse? The leads had fantastic chemsitry, were willing to do high heat (and do it well) and were pretty! So they squandered a decent cast and some actual production money on a shoddy scrip and terrible directing - what a waste. Seriously, don’t bother. It maybe ends unhappily, maybe not, but you should neither care nor bother to find out. 3/10 

It’s Airing But ...

Love Syndrome (Thai Sat WeTV) stopped at ep 2 of 12 - I’m just not into any aspect of it (except Lee Long Shi and I can watch him in Tin Tem Jai) - saving to binge if the end is solid.

Venus in the Sky (Sat YouTube) pilot/tester?) 0 of 10 - not entirely sure what’s up with this one distribution-wise, but the pilot was classic university-set pulp. I hope it happens because the leads are cute with good chemsitry and I thought it was fun. However, this pilot holds together as its own little short too.

Make a Wish (Thai Weds ?) stars Fluke Natouch (OhmFluke UWMA etc...) & Judo (The Miracle Of Teddy Bear) in a medical-fantasy. About a doctor who sees ghosts and a deity who resides in a Bodhi tree that earns merits whenever he fulfills a wish, based on a y-novel by Sammon (Manner of Death, Triage). Same as above.

Stormy Honeymoon (Vietnam) - 3rd in this series and the ULTIMATE in domesticity. New side couple is cute too. But I’m kinda over the leads at this point. (see comments)

In Case You Missed It

BL Express has a post on upcoming GL. I don’t track this, but they do. 

I decided to hold off and binge Cafe in Love and Destiny Seeker. So I’ll be watching and reporting back after I’ve collected all the eps. I realized that I miss binging BL. That said I have been siting on To Sir, With Love forever. Not sure why I am so reluctant to dive into that one. 

[ Not into Kpop? Skip to “next week.”] 

Peak Time pretty much ended exactly as expected, which was also exactly how it started. Our BL boy Karem got booted for the grave sin of being a, ya know, 2nd gen idol dude bro. But it was the superior survival show. BLK made me cry, so did MASC for that matter. We have discussed this before, I am a sap. I look forward to seeing where Vanner go next. 

Boy’s Planet was ultimately disappointing. I watched some predictions about who Mnet actually wanted to win, and they were mostly correct. With the delightful upset of China scooping the #1 spot. (Delightful bc I am a chaos money who lives for politics fucking with soft power and watching China give the jaundice eye to S Korea for half a decade bc they Hallyued their way into winning the culture war using Kpop, and NOW China is doing what we all knew they would which is... infiltrate. Ultimately? Boy’s Planet was nothing more than an exercise in manipulative editing, they just accidentally manipulated the global vote into Zhang Hao winning. Not to slag off that baby boy’s serious cuteness - I genuinely thought he was great, actually. Frankly, I emerged cackling and mostly just v. disappointed in Pentagon fans. I think they deserve to lose their group for how little they supported Hui. Let’s be truthful? They are likely losing their group or Hui wouldn’t have been on the damn show in the first place. (Cube seems highly disinterested and their 7 year contracts are uppity up.) This is neither the first nor the most extreme version of me being disappointed by Kpop fans. There’s a reason I don’t participate in that fandom. 

In more relevant news to THIS fandom, JiWoong made it into ZB1, which means we will NOT see him or the Kissable Lips pair back on our screens anytime soon (if ever). 

RIP the pretty.... 

Whatever, it is still the golden age of Korean BL. Our Dating Sim happened. We will all be fine. 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Happy Merry Ending starts Weds April 26 on Gaga (with ep 2 the next day) 8 eps total. It looks cute: opposites attract, musicians, giving me Wish You vibes. It’s from the Our Dating Sim’s Kidari Studio. Adapted from the manhwa of the same title (해피메리엔딩) by dorae (도래). Stars Lee Dong Won (main rapper of KNK - yes that’s Semantic Error’s Park Seo Ham’s group) opposite actor Byun Sung Tae. Also stars Kim Kyu Jong (of SS501) and actor Shin Myung Sung (The Heavenly Idol).

The Eighth Sense ends, thank fuck. I don’t think I could take much more of the tension with that one. 

2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)

This week’s fashion hall of shame:

those glasses, both useless and ugly 

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Leaning into their brand. 

Leaning outside of it but looking sexy AF. Thank you GMMTV! 

What do I always say? I love it when a drama reviews itself. 

All Our Skyy 2: Never Let Me Go (PondPhuwin) 

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? Winner’s Remember. I got nothing to say about it except it’s great and everyone always seems to forget about Winner but they just keep singing, and that’s kinda the sentiment of this song.

[a-moth-to-the-light]

Current Top Ten Olivia Rodrigo Songs

I've found myself talking about Olivia Rodrigo's music a lot lately (mostly screeching about entry #2), so I'm finally going to give her a list! Though I've never been much of a "drivers license" fan, I still got really into her with the release of SOUR--the end of my junior year in high school could have been soundtracked solely with that album (+ "Rollin'" by Brave Girls!).

1. good 4 u

I mean, I would love to have a more surprising pick for number one, but this one's a classic for a reason! Like, I remember what was going on in my life when I first heard "good 4 u"--it's a landmark all on its own. And that dramatic lead-in to the bridge? I feel my heart explode in my chest every. single. time.

2. girl i've always been

This one is new, but it blew me away from the first listen. It's not a big spectacle like "so american", but the understated acoustic atmosphere is executed so well that I can't look away! This country-inspired sound is unusual for Olivia, but she acclimates to it so well, I think--I feel so comfortable in this song, it doesn't feel unfamiliar at all. And the line "well, I have captors I call friends" is worth a spot on this list all on its own.

3. jealousy, jealousy

This is my "brutal". In "jealousy, jealousy", the burn-it-all-down angst we know and love Olivia Rodrigo's music for has been smoothed out --it's cold, cruel, withdrawn. It's the girl dressed in all black who sits alone at lunch and glares at the popular kids from across the cafeteria, taking on her loneliness with grace and elegance and absolutely vicious resignation, and when I listen to this song, I get to feel as cool and above-it-all as that girl for a few minutes. I don't actually want to be this imaginary girl, but Olivia's music often lets me play a character for a bit--and this one is by far my favorite!

4. 1 step forward, 3 steps back

Okay this has, like, sentimental value. "1 step forward, 3 steps back" was there for me when I really needed it... I love how delicate it is, and I love harmonizing to the bridge, but it's really just here because I keep it like a security blanket.

5. all-american bitch

The ballads on GUTS didn't really work for me--the lyrics felt uncomfortably blunt, too generalized to be impactful, more like lectures than stories. But "all-american bitch", a big rock track with lots of screaming??? These lyrics GOT ME. My nonbinary experience of femininity has its own nuances, but all the stereotypes and expectations placed on the Perfect Good Girl still affect so much of who I am. In "all-american bitch", the bluntness of the lyrics actually works in its favor. It's scathing--just straight-up listing all the stereotypes and expectations and judgements placed on women is revealing, exposing their contradictions, and I think it takes away a little of their power. Honestly, this song is so powerful that it's a little much for me most of the time--I tend to avoid it, despite how much I like it--but I can't deny how fantastic it is.

6. favorite crime

Admittedly, I think "Partner in Crime - Spotify Singles" by Lucy Dacus is this song but better. I like both songs a whole lot, though, and the vocal layering in "favorite crime" is a shot right through the heart.

7. enough for you

This is pretty much interchangeable with "favorite crime"--a solid storyline with a genuine, compellingly fragile performance. I don't know, it just works!

8. get him back!

The flat delivery in the verses set against the soaring chorus is EVERYTHING. This is a low-stakes song, about a guy we never really liked anyway, so it's pure fun and wordplay and screaming just because you can.

9. can't catch me now

God, the vocal layering is breathtaking. (Look, I'm a man of simple tastes. I like when the harmonies do the harmony thing!!!!!)

10. ballad of a homeschooled girl

I think this song is hilarious--"ballad of a homeschooled girl" takes all the self-policing and overanalyzing and internal screaming required to be seen as 'normal', that constant stream of 'no don't do that no you can't say that no stop oh shit what did i just do she probably thinks i'm so weird', and turns up the intensity to the point where it's a sort of comedy skit. I think it's absolutely delightful to scream my worries out through this song, to honestly express the daily stresses of just existing outside my house and laugh about them, too. (Also, the "every guy I like is gay" line just makes me laugh, though I've heard that my take is an unpopular one.)

honorable mentions: happier, bad idea right?, love is embarrassing (WATCH AS I CRUCIFY MYSELF !!!!!), teenage dream (yeah i like this one, kind of against my will but i think it works way better than the other guts ballads!), so american (OH GOD I'M GONNA MARRY HIM / IF HE KEEPS THIS SHIT UP !!!)

[tulipberrysimss]

OC deep dive with my favorite gal Izzy🫶🏻✨ thank you for the tag @cupidszone !!

What uncommon/common fear do they have? She has a fear of failure, she was the oldest child in the household and had to step up and pave the way, which led to some extreme anxiety especially when she started failing in school. As a child she did develop a fear of being inferior. 

Do they have any pet peeves? Izzy HATES when there’s dirty dishes either on the table or in the sink, IT GOES IN THE DISHWASHER, her husband and son are so bad at putting dirty dishes where they are supposed to go and she constantly has to remind them. She does have a habit that is her son’s biggest pet peeve, she clicks her pen whenever she’s writing and it drives him crazy. 

What are 3 items you can find in their bedroom? A miniature model of her rocket ship, one of her son’s old teddy bears and a lot of sketches of upgrades for the rocket

What do they notice first in a person? Their sense of humor! Whenever she was feeling down while growing up, her cousin would always cheer her up with a couple of jokes or a funny story. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how high is their pain tolerance? A solid 8/10!

Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure? Depends on the situation! She goes into flight mode if she’s arguing with someone in her family since she doesn’t want to come off as disrespectful and if it’s someone outside the family or her little brother, she goes into fight mode. If it’s a difficult task or work she goes into fight mode immediately cuz she enjoys solving difficult situations. 

Do they come from a big family/are they a family person? She comes from a big family! She grew up with her parents, two younger brothers, her aunt and her son and whoever her aunt was seeing at the time. She is a family person but never wanted a big one of her own. 

What animal represents them best? Probably a penguin

What is a smell that they dislike? B.O, her son is so bad at showering and he works out every day too. She hates the smell of shellfish as well. 

Have they broken any bones? The joints in her left shoulder are somewhat unstable so she tends to dislocate her shoulder quite often. 

How would a stranger likely describe them? Introverted and hard to get close to. She’s a loner with trust issues after all. 

Are they a night owl or a morning bird? Night Owl 100%!! Since she spent a lot of years as a single mom, she realized she only ever had the night to herself and that’s a habit she can’t get rid of. 

What is a flavor they hate and a flavor they love? She hates the taste of oranges or any type of citrus really. She loves loves loves sweets though, especially caramel!

Do they have any hobbies? Rocket science and chess, which sounds so boring to a lot of people but she can really spend hours just zoning out with anything mentally challenging. 

Boom, surprise birthday party! How do they react to surprises? She’d be absolutely MORTIFIED to be in the dark about this. And having a bunch of people jumping out and screaming happy birthday sounds like nightmare material. She really doesn’t enjoy being the center of attention either. 

Do they like to wear jewelry? She doesn’t care much for jewelry, other than her wedding ring and earrings, she doesn’t bother with anything else. 

Do they have neat or messy handwriting? Her handwriting isn’t intelligible to anyone other than herself, she’s always in such a rush to write when inspiration for the next rocket upgrade hits or when she needs to calculate math formulas. 

What are two emotions they feel the most? A good mix of anxiety and happiness, they tend to come and go in a circle. 

Do they have a favorite fabric? There’s just something about corduroy that’s so appealing to her. 

What kind of accent do they have? I can’t imagine that she has an accent but she does use a lot of “difficult” words, she tries to tone that down when talking to others but they tend to slip out. 

I don’t know who has done this but consider yourself tagged if you haven’t already!✨

[putschki1969]

『Hikaru B-day LIVE 2023 -Be the Best day-』 Live Report by SPICE

Source:https://spice.eplus.jp/articles/321215

Setlist 01.Surviver 02.JUST DO IT 03.IMPOSSIBLE LOVE 04.空 –Look ahead 05.landscape 06.Flow 07.イエスノウ 08.The Sacred Torch 09.Determination 10.disclose 11.Altern-ate- 12.螺旋の繭 13.Escape 14.Awe ＜ENCORE＞ En1.pulsation En2.Treasure En.3紡-TSUMUGU-

I LOVE how Takeshi Kato always makes sure to incorporate Kalafina in his interviews and reports. No matter how briefly, he tries to make some quick little references here and there and I honestly appreciate it so much. Especially since he never does it at the expense of their respective solo careers. He acknowledges that he still has so much love for them as a unit but he also emphasises that he wants people to pay more attention to their solo work (a sentiment I obviously very much relate to).

Very curious that he mostly blames COVID-19 for affecting Hikaru's solo activities. While the pandemic has undoubtedly affected all three Kalafina members to some extent, I wonder if it was really the main issue that caused so much trouble for Hikaru and ultimately led to her becoming a freelance artist...? Maybe her former agency Hifumi expected her to generate much higher sales numbers and that just didn't happen due to COVID so they decided not to extend her contract? I don't know...seems weird to me...especially since her numbers weren't THAT bad...I feel like there must have been more at play here. A lot of weird stuff going on behind the scenes. Oh well, maybe Takeshi Kato is just trying to find ways to justify last year's downward spiral. I'm just glad things seem to be moving toward a more positive direction again. Let's hope for the best!

The way he describes the 空 –Look ahead | landscape | Flow set sounds super lovely, wish I had been there for it. I do enjoy "Sora" and "landscape", I can imagine that "Flow" would have perfectly matched the vibe of those two songs with its "floaty" and ambient atmosphere.

And don't even get me started on the Determination | disclose set! Damn, that must have been super epic.Seems like the live version of "Determination" is even more epic than the studio version.

His thoughts on Hikaru's newest song "Awe" are also quite interesting. According to him it is very reminiscent of her Kalafina singing style. Huh, I did not even consider that but maybe that's the reason why I like it so much? It's certainly on a Kalafina-level of dramatic but I'm not so sure about her singing style. You might remember that my initial reaction to her performance during the most recent special broadcast was rather positive. I actually consider it to be my favourite among her new solo releases despite only hearing it once. The song is scheduled to be released in the next few days so I cannot wait to finally hear the studio version. Hopefully her vocals sound a bit more solid and refined than during the live performance.

Instagram story by Hikaru

[peemanne]

Yakuza 3 Review: Shining "Black Sheep"

Hey, it's Pee again. I actually finished writing the first draft of this AND my Yakuza 4 review months ago on my notebook, but I didn't get around to transcribing it digitally until now. Ended up rewriting a lot more than I was expecting haha

Also I still need to finish my 0 review but I'm a little caught up on making my 6 review first, since I'm kind of just dying to talk about it. Anyways, here's Yakuza 3. It's so cool.

This review contains MAJOR SPOILERS.

Reviewed on April 10, 2024. Last completed on March 5, 2023

Completed on PC (Remastered)

Rating: 8/10 (4 Stars)

Yakuza 3’s become something of a black sheep within the community. It might be because of the jump from Kiwami 2 or the lack of a proper port of the original 2, but a part of the community seems to be so adamant about bashing 3, usually because of the combat, the story, or some mix of both. That being said, I’ve noticed that we’re kind of backtracking from that, as more and more people come to praise and appreciate 3, some even calling it one of the best. Personally, I do find myself liking Yakuza 3 quite a bit, though there are definitely a few missteps that hold it back from really sitting there with the other greats in RGG’s catalogue. 

I just want to get one thing immediately out of the way as I get into the game’s combat: “Blockuza” is an overblown exaggeration. Kiryu has a lot of tools to get past something like that. With that being said though, Yakuza 3’s early game combat can feel a little miserable at times, especially with some egregiously bad boss fights like Tamashiro 1 and Rikiya. Once you grab the Komaki abilities though, it all really starts to open up for the player. Wall bounding with Kiryu’s moveset is fun, counterattacks like the Komaki Parry and Tiger Drop feel especially beefy in this entry, and 3’s engine allows for some neat off-the-ground tech if you know what you’re doing. While I don’t think it’s quite as satisfying as its predecessor Yakuza 2, Yakuza 3’s hits still feel hefty and impactful, with the aforementioned counterattacks being the big winners here. The sound design in the combat is still really solid, and I believe is something that usually goes underappreciated during discussions of this game’s combat (and in general, really). I also just wanna bring up the weird messed-up faces that appear after you use heat actions on the generic street goons. It’s very funny just how absolutely horrible they look after a fight, and it’s even funnier that this carries over to 4. One aspect that I do feel is a little lacking though is Kiryu’s damage in this entry. It’s weirdly lacking? And it’s not like bosses take too long, that’s not really my problem, but it makes heat actions feel oddly weightless despite the good animation work. Getting everything right for a heat action only for it to barely dent the poor soul you’re beating the snot out of just doesn’t feel the same. For comparison, Y4’s Kiryu feels like he does way more damage with his heat actions, and I think they feel better there because of it, which is interesting when you remember Y4 Kiryu is almost identical to his depiction in 3. Yakuza 3’s combat overall is pretty solid save for the early game. It’s far from the strongest this series has seen, but Kiryu’s moveset feels strong and is just pretty fun to mess around with. Props to Richardson for being the only actually enjoyable gun boss fight in the series. With that being said, please keep Lau Ka Long away from me. 

Yakuza 3’s story arguably has Kiryu at his best. He finally gets to breathe in between constant Tojo feuds with some dad slice-of-life stuff at the orphanage, and all of it is just so, so cute. It’s a little slow, sure, and that might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I found myself so charmed by it all. My heart melts seeing Kiryu, who’s gone through so much, get to be happy with his little scamps. The characters really come through here, the stars of course being the Ryudo family. Rikiya’s the brightest one, a fun companion throughout who both contrasts and bounces off of Kiryu well. Then there’s Nakahara and Saki, a sweet encapsulation of the game’s themes of fatherhood. And there’s the kids themselves, all distinct and fun to simply watch run around with their Uncle Kaz. My favorite one is Taichi because he’s awesome. 

The rest of the plot though, I’m a little mixed on. There are some genuinely great stuff here: Mine’s an amazing antagonist despite his small amount of screentime, seeing the Tojo so broken down after Kiryu’s shenanigans in 1&2 was interesting (the Nishikiyama family having KANDA as its patriarch is my favorite example of this), Majima’s characterized shockingly well, this game marking the start of him being taken more seriously, and Joji’s honestly a cool ass character despite being an asspull and a half. Unfortunately, Yakuza 3 has a few egregious mistakes that impede it from being an all-timer story for this series. For one, 3 falls victim to a lot of early writing habits that this series eventually broke out of over time. A lot of characters unjustly die for no good reason, Mine and Kashiwagi being the biggest offenders. It also has the big ol’ “Kiryu forgets to disarm the bad guy and said bad guy kills a valued ally” schtick, and it’s as infuriating as ever. Then there’s the “giant exposition dump” chapter, with Yakuza 3 having by far the worst case of it ever with Chapter 9: The Plot, which is almost entirely dedicated to Kiryu and Date sitting down and listening to some politician explain what the hell is even going on. Despite all of this, Yakuza 3’s story is still very enjoyable, and I think it’s very much worth it to endure all of its little shortcomings to appreciate its amazing characters, both new and returning faces. 

Side content is decently well-rounded for the most part in Y3. It introduced the series to Karaoke, for which we are all eternally grateful, of course. I really like the hostess songs in this entry, and it’s a shame that most of them don’t return for later games. 3 also has the hitman missions, which is a cool side-activity throughout. Additionally I hate Yakuza 3’s golf and everything it stands for Yakuza 3’s substories consist of a lot of filler substories where not much really happens, but the ones that stand out REALLY stand out. You have a really unique substory that spans from Chapter 9 until the finale in Murder at Cafe Alps, you have some silly gag substories like Kiryu having to cross the street with 2 massive ice-cream cones. You have substories that flesh out characters from the main story, like the amazing Dotting the Eye with Rikiya, and the sweet Date’s Pride substory. You can also have Kiryu say “H e y ,  s w e e t c h e e k s” in English, if you so please. I love it! 1-4 all have substories that occasionally use full-on cutscenes, and you can tell how much care they put into them. Yeah, it still has that annoying thing from other early games where you can flat-out fail a substory and lock you out of them, but still. Quality selection of substories. 

Lastly, 3’s soundtrack. I’m absolutely a sucker for this series’ soundtrack, so I’m not even going to pretend that I’m not biased. Yakuza 3’s music bridges the gap between the roughness and raw power of the original Yakuza 1 & 2’s almost grungelike style with the cleaner compositions of the later games, and I think it works out pretty well! You have your badass tracks like FM-Sound’s Storm, Bruise, and Hear this in the game. You have your intense, climactic songs like the fan-favorite Fly, the beautiful Lyricism Without Tears (which, as a bonus, gets one of the coolest track names this series has ever been graced with), and the underrated End Point. I find Yakuza 3’s OST isn’t really talked about all that much outside of the justified praise of Fly, which is a real shame, because there are some real quality tracks on display here. 

Yakuza 3 stands as a very solid game in its own right, even with a few annoyances bogging it down. I don’t think it deserved all of the unending slander it seems to receive. I love my dad Kiryu, I love seeing him hang out with his kids, and, despite all the bad, I still love this game. Also, Albert Wesker’s in it, and I think that’s pretty funny.

[everything-on-red]

THE BIG SONG RANKING

ladies and gentlemen, to make good on my promise to @daniel-profeta, a list of my 40 favorite songs.

TIER 1 - GOD TIER:

“No Children” - Mountain Goats

Made me cry, made me feel seen, made me feel like a grape in a microwave, cooking from the inside out, dying on the vine, stuck in a box, about to explode, glowing with light. Made me confront my family life, made me ascend to a higher plane of being, made me a sad bastard.

“Staring At the Sun” - U2

I wish I had written these lyrics. I spend 90% of my life in denial so I felt very targeted by this song. I fly up in preparation whenever I hear it starting, and remain floating for the entire song, drifting in the ribbon clouds.

“It’s Alright” - Jack Stauber

This song just grabbed the otherworldly concept of placid hopelessness and frantic optimism and blended it all up in a blender and released a thousand screaming beautiful animals like sun spots on your eyelids in an empty indoor water park where you go skinny dipping with your favorite person and everything feels warm and electric.

“Only Skin” - Joanna Newsom

I have listened to this song probably over 40 times (and it’s 16 minutes long! So that’s 10 hours) and the lyrical tapestry of it is still an explosive mystery to me. It makes me weep and be very happy to be a woman because my body and brain are twisting in a living fairytale fever dream.

“Oh Comely” - Neutral Milk Hotel

How the fuck is this song about so many things and yet one thing. It is some of the most beautiful poetry I have ever had the pleasure of washing over me. Especially the part where it turns into a story about Hansel and Gretel freezing to death after they run away from the circus. See what I mean? It’s about so many things, but it’s about one thing. One solid feeling that you can’t get anywhere else.

“Hey” - Pixies

This song is a screaming roller coaster like an apocalyptic car ride down into the red and blue twilight city, divorce, and the Devil tarot card. Does that not sound like a good time?

“Sweet Thing/Candidate/Sweet Thing Reprise” - David Bowie

This may be cheating, since it’s 3 songs, but the instrumentals in this suite are INSANE, the lyrics are SO FUCKING RESONANT I’M LITERALLY RESONATING, and Bowie is vocal goals here. Wailing makes everything better. “With you by my side it should be fine. / We’ll buy some drugs and watch a band, / then jump in the river holding hands.”

“Never Let Go” - Tom Waits

You know a song is magnificent when it can be both a loud tavern song and a quiet campfire song. This one reminds me of my father, so I can’t say too much else for fear of revealing my bias. But it’s beautiful, and like all Tom Waits, gives weepy 1930s vibes.

“All Eyes On Me” - Bo Burnham

Y'all ready to retreat into the dream and slowly disintegrate as we assimilate into the digital opiate hivemind in death as natural as a river at the end of the world? Because when I listen to this song, I feel fucking HYPED.

“Liquid Smooth” - Mitski

This is a song about Mary and you cannot change my mind. It is achingly powerful and desperate, ringing with the fear of death and ugliness and impotence, the intense and inescapable body horror of our mere existence as bags of throbbing flesh, the bottomless maw of sex.

TIER 2 - FUCK YEAH TIER:

“Rainbow Connection” - Kermie Da Frog :D (Paul Williams and Kenneth Ascher)

This song always makes me smile, and I am proud to be a writer. I feel strong.

“Rock ‘N’ Roll Suicide” - David Bowie

The fumbling and melancholy mundanity that builds into such a beautiful plea for understanding and empathy. I get the sense that everyone who has ever reached out their hands is reaching out for a reason. They hold that reason tight to their chests and ride it into the ethereal plane. “Oh no love, you’re not alone!” The scream is so powerful. We are all David After Dentist. Even David.

“As The World Caves In” - Matt Maltese

Similar thematically to the last entry. Words cannot describe the feelings that the story in this song gives me. “It’s you. / That I lie with.”

“Freedom” - Teddy Hyde

This song is downright picturesque. The sentiment is beautiful, the instrumental is meltingly lovely. And oh my god the horn part. You are not prepared for this, it will pulverize you (tenderly).

“Down By the Side of the Road” - John Prine

This one is definitely about Mary, and it’s one of my favorite stories I’ve ever heard. I highly recommend listening to this, it is the missing link in a long line of ghost stories.

“Toes” - Glass Animals

You ever just wanna feel all the horror of The Island of Dr. Moreau PLUS The Most Dangerous Game in less than 5 minutes? Well with Toes by Glass Animals, now you can!!!

“The Sick Bed of Cuchulainn” - The Pogues

THIS SONG MAKES ME FERAL. GRRRRRRRRR.

“I Bleed” - Pixies

This is my favorite Pixies song, despite the fact that Hey is probably better. I love the desert. I love coterminosity and cyclical time. I love devolving into the fluid consciousness of the past! And I love the weird, dissonant harmony in the final chorus.

“505” - Arctic Monkeys

I’m in love again. The smoky hotel rooms and wet streets. I’m drifting away, catch me. Or don’t.

“Pizza Boy” - Jack Stauber

The perfect song to sing for any empty room, rainy day, life change, mental breakdown, or lovely person. And sway away.

TIER 3 - HELL YEAH TIER:

“Los Ageless” - St. Vincent

This is just a really really really good song about Los Angeles that has some of the sickest guitar I’ve ever heard. It also happens to be one of the horniest songs I’ve ever heard, and I would not trade it for anything.

“Body of Years” - Mother Mother

Every writer should hear this song.

“Rockets fall on Rocket Falls” - Godspeed You! Black Emperor

The first instrumental on this list, because I generally prefer lyrical songs, but this song tells a story in its own right. I feel like I’ve listed a lot of apocalyptic pieces so far, and this is perhaps the apotheosis of apocalyptic vibe.

“How Long” - Anais Mitchell

There is a deep kind of mystery to this song that is not in the other songs on Hadestown. A sense of inscrutability, despair, and wide separation that not even love can fully heal. A sense of bitter and cold resignation. And an amazing chorus, both lyrically and melodically, that builds with vocal layering and lyrical changes in a way that just makes me so fucking happy.

“Life During Wartime” - Talking Heads

The lyrical world of this song is so expansive and immersive and exciting and escapist and terrifying. It’s so fucking fun, it makes me want to jump around and get all sweaty.

“Love Love Love” - Mountain Goats

Raskolnikov reference, automatic W.

“One Summer’s Day” - Joe Hisaishi

I have extremely nostalgic attachments to this beautiful piano piece from my favorite animated movie, which is also the movie I happened to watch before leaving for college, appropriately.

“Atlantic City” - Bruce Springsteen

WOAH BREKAING BAD REFERENCE? This song low key gives me the same narrative and visual vibes as Hey, only with very different lyrical sensibilities. A beautiful, mournful melody and lyrics packed with sharp, astute characterization and wistful, desolate imagery.

“Wriggle” - Cosmo Sheldrake

Gospel song. Baptism song. Edward Lear would be proud. I am screaming and cheering.

“The Mind Electric” - Miracle Musical / ミラクルミュージカル

SEE HOW THE SERFS WORK THE GROUND AND THEY GIVE IT ALL THEY’VE GOT AND THEY GIVE IT ALL THEY’VE GOT AND YOU GIVE IT ALL YOU’VE GOT TIL YOU’RE DOWN SEE HOW THE BRAIN PLAYS AROUND AND YOU FALL INSIDE A HOLE YOU COULDN’T SEE AND YOU FALL INSIDE A HOLE INSIDE A SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON INSIDE MY MIND DOCTOR I CAN’T TELL IF I’M NOT ME

TIER 4 - LET’S GOOOO TIER:

“Pepper” - Butthole Surfers

Something tells me this fountain was not made by the hands of man… idk though… this song makes me want to die in a parking lot on a summer afternoon.

“Dead Flowers” - The Rolling Stones

No explanation needed.

“An Open Letter to a Ruby-Shoed Pixie” - Teddy Hyde

Incredibly well written, the poetic flow is astounding. You can tell it comes from a place of raw and tender unfiltered love and that’s impossible to ignore.

“Hymn 131,513” - Daniel Profeta

The force with which this song is vaulted into the world is unparalleled. You can feel the heart pumping behind it. The lyrics tumble into each other, each truer than the last. Weird tangent--the “look above you, I’m never far” obviously implies some satanic or corrupt element, but I am also kind of obsessed with the idea that this God is simply chthonic. We’ve had too many sky daddies, we need more earthly pantheons. We need to walk on the gods. “Bury me a thousand feet deep in a form-fitting coffin an inch shorter than me.”

“Sunny Afternoon” - The Kinks

I’m partially nostalgic for this song, but also, I think it’s one of the best the Kinks have to offer. It’s just an utter vibe from beginning to end. I feel like I’m sliding down a half-medicated poolside chair into the rotisserie pit of my own mistakes.

“Moonsickness” - Penelope Scott

From the first line this is extremely relatable. Penelope Scott managed to write a song about periods and womanhood that is about so much more than that, that is universally relatable and painful.

“Sundial” - Lemon Demon

There’s just something I can’t describe about this song--the lyrics, the unique rotating melodies, all feel so quirky and fun and engaging.

“Paris 1919” - John Cale

We are all ghosts dancing to this song, “down on darkened meetings on the Champs-Elysees.”

“I’m Always In Love” - Wilco

Describes me to a T. I have problems. And you know I had to put Wilco on here.

“You’re Mine” - DAGames

Don’t eat ass in the halls.

Phew. That's it.

I wanted to put a Clipping song on here but I feel like I haven’t explored their catalog sufficiently yet. I also wanted to put an Advance Base song, but that might be one of those situations where none of his songs stand out tremendously, but Nephew in the Wild is still one of my favorite albums.

Thank you to @my-ancient-marss and again to Daniel Profeta for the inspiration for this list. It was a lot of fun to sift through and organize, and I definitely have a new appreciation for some of the songs on this list. Anyway, I hope others will follow suit. See you all on the flipside!