#and that's gonna take up all my free time today
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Reaction to s/o liking winter but being very chilly (part 2)
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Featuring Bachira Meguru, Reo Mikage, Nagi Seishiro
Fluff
Let me know if there's errors! Enjoy!
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“Y/N, I finished showering. The bathroom’s all yours if you need it,” Bachira said, entering your shared bedroom. When he’d left to shower, you had been engrossed in a book, and you barely nodded at him when he left.
You raised your head and what you saw was enough to make you freeze under covers.
Your boyfriend was standing with only a towel around his hips, droplets falling from his bicoloured locks and the most bizarre thing was that he wasn't shivering in the slightest.
"I was already freezing under the covers but seeing you like this... Feels like torture" you said shivering slightly.
The boy simply chuckled and walked towards the bed, sitting comfortably on the edge, right next to you.
"Are we sure you're not sick? Today is less cold than last week"
"It's probably your fault"
"How is that even possible?"
"You're half naked Meguru???" You said looking at him slightly wide eyed, a smile creeping up your face.
"Oh."
"You're gonna catch a cold at this rate"
"I swear I'm not feeling cold maybe because the house is warm.. wait a minute .."
You looked at him confused as he looked like he had an idea.
"Why don't you go take a shower? You'll feel even better, no?" He said smiling proudly.
"A hot shower is what you need, trust me!"
You looked up, considering his suggestion. It wasn't a bad idea, maybe it was what you needed.
"Okay, why not.." you nodded and Bachira smiled and quickly got up.
"Let's go then" he said offering his hand to you.
You looked at him, noticing that glimmer in his eyes that only meant one thing. He was going to shower again, but this time with you.
"...you realize that you already showered, don’t you?"
"Eheh, let's just say that I forgot to put the shampoo on my hair" he said smiling, faking innocence. What a menace.
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You and Reo had been thinking about what to do for the holiday season in his studio. Saying that Reo was a great planner was an understatement, the guy already thought about 7 holiday location ideas for impressing his girl.
"You already have seven ideas for our holidays?" You asked shocked, struggling to hold your smile at how determined your boyfriend looked.
"Absolutely, and let me tell you which location I thought of.." he said bringing his laptop closer to her.
"First of all, we have Finland. Apparently there's a Santa Village in a certain city called 'Rovaniemi'. If Finland is not speaking to your soul there's Banff in Canada, the place has a lot of mountains and offsprings. Skiing must be fantastic there" he said smiling while checking with her the photos.
"When can even plan on going to the Alps, if you want something more quiet we can pass the holidays in Kyoto, between tea houses and snowy landscapes.."
While Reo kept talking, you couldn't help but smile. And shiver slightly.
But Reo surely hadn't missed that.
"Oh? Is my princess freezing? Should we move the planning in front of the fireplace?" He offered as he looked at her with a soft smile, finding her wrapped in a warm blanket cute. Once he picked up the laptop, he offered his hand, and they both moved toward the fireplace in their living room.
Sitting there, he placed her on his lap and handled her his laptop. "While I keep you warm, feel free to choose the location of our holiday." He said and continued, this time speaking into her ear. "I'll handle the rest".
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"You're always cold" Nagi mumbled, thumbs moving around his controller as his focus was mostly on the boss he was fighting.
You guys agreed on a simple cozy weekend, with videogames keeping you company as you guys were doing co-op together.
"How are you not feeling cold Nagi?" You asked as despite you were helping him with the boss your controller was under the warm comforter.
"I'm completely fine." When he finished the boss, he laid the controller down the bed and handed her his hand. When she reached for it she looked at him surprised, his hand was really warm and she wondered if his body was like the rest.
"To be one that claims to love winter you have poor luck by suffering the cold like this" he said bluntly while picking up his controller, resuming playing as you rolled your eyes.
"Then why don't you keep me warm?" You asked half jokingly as you resumed playing with him as well.
He paused, giving her a sidelong glance. “Isn’t that, like, extra work?” he asked, sounding as unbothered as ever.
However, he stopped playing and wrapped an arm around you, letting you warm up close to him.
"Didn't you just say that was extra work?" you teased, as he sighed, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly, a shadow of a smile creeping into his usual unbothered expression.
With that, he leaned back, letting you curl up against him while he held the controller lazily in one hand, his other arm wrapped around your shoulders.
"You better worry about not turning into an Icycle" he paused looking at the game, his tone uneven yet with a hint of teasing. "that would be a real hassle."
Let me know if there's errors! Thank you for reading!
#blue lock#bllk#bluelock x reader#bllk x reader#bluelock x you#bachira meguru#bachira x reader#bachira x you#reo mikage#reo x reader#reo x you#nagi seishiro#nagi x reader#nagi x you
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Amazing, take some of the side character demons from Evil Bound.
Vincie is a menace to Chuck and Chuck alone so in Hell, Chuck hexes his hand behind his back so that he isn't grabbed as much (and it's harder to pet him). Chuck is like the most irresponsible older sibling ever to demons though so Kelvin recruits him (as an older sibling vibe) to go help him get his ACTUAL older sibling from Earth. Chuck agrees. And then drags Vincie from Hell with them because no one else wants to babysit him and he refuses to unbind the hex just to re-hex when he returns to Hell.
In Hell, Kelvin actually doesn't appear much different than his human form! Like Kronos, the lines under his eyes are red in Hell but black on earth. Chuck however? In Hell he has wolf-ish ears and has a fur lining his neck (note the neck scars in human form). In addition to that he has four eyes in Hell (note the scars under his eyes in human form). Vincie just has horns in Hell. And! In Hell the hex doesn't have a silly looking "tied up" look, it's invisible unless Vincie strains it with movement and then its red text. But it shifts on earth to be visible.
Vincie's biggest agony for the entirety on earth is "dude it's colder here than in Hell I want a jacket to slip my arms into BUT I CANT BECAUSE IM BOUND".
#my characters#amazing show stopping rng wheel thanks#i have my oc plots on a wheel - thats 80 different options! wow! - and spun it#i spun twice and the first time it was the bodyguard plot that i drew a few days ago#the second time was evil bound#i genuinely think it new its a bad day and im not doing well so it took it easy on me with things id done recently#anyway ive never colored kelvin before which i realized today#i only have pencil art of him#also fun fact about their lil earth adventures#they fucking fail horrifically the first time they go and kronos doesnt go back#then they go back to try and get him to forcefully bring him back and theeeeen shit hits the fan#and so vincie is vibing with tolliver since hes basically useless without hands and then oops!#no more hex! and so he starts to get really super scared and tolliver is like uh isnt that a good thing your hands are free now#and vincie is horrified because the only way to break a hex from a distance is if the caster is near dead or dead#and if thats the case chuck is probably dead and that means what if kronos and kelvin are dead#how is he gonna get back to hell alone and is HE going to get punished for it#but then kronos and kelvin show up and take vincie back to hell with the not breathing chuck#but its fine in the end bc the succubi bring him back to ... life ? question mark? anyway hes revived#but vincie does have a part where hes just crying in tollivers apartment bc he thinks hes gonna be punished#for not helping the other demons and then they died#but chuck dying is basically why kronos goes back to hell - he feels responsible (hes at fault so good for him to own up)#vincie is one of the very few demons who doesnt have dark sclera#chuck vincie and kronos all have black sclera while the succubi have gray#i dont think there was ever a reason for it tbh i should make up a reason#time to go lie down and not exist the rest of the night if i can avoid it
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Could've left me just the way you found me, but you came and put your wings around me. You went out of your way, to fix what you didn't break.
This song is so incredibly Sam & Darlin' coded and no one can tell me otherwise.
[lots of lyrical analysis below the cut] [there's also a short little fanfic blurb of them stargazing down there too (this post got really out of hand lmao)]
For those not fully caught up, note that the following commentary contains various spoilers for Sam and Darlin's stories.
Note: Unfortunately this song is gendered, using the word 'girl' several times. Which sucks a little bit for immersion purposes, not only for keeping Darlin' gender-neutral, but also because I see this song as a duet between them, and Darlin' obviously wouldn't be addressing Sam with the word 'girl' either. So! As with most songs on their playlist, we're just gonna mentally omit any gendered terms we come across.
Side note: Frustratingly, this is one of those songs that didn't really even need to gender the subject in the first place. No part of the story or message is lost without it. But alas, many songs are like that, and so the playlist-makers of the world shall continue to suffer. [/lh]
Anyways, preamble's over. It's lyric time now yay!
Sam's Part
I was a ten-year train wreck
Technically for Sam I suppose it was 13 years, but ten is close enough (and 'ten' admittedly flows a lot better in the rhythm of the song than 'thirteen' would.) Anyways, we're not here to split hairs, (I have to remind myself), we're just here to point out similarities.
In Sam's Dec. '22 HBW, he says "For the last 13 years or so I haven't had to care too much about how I look. Seemed a little redundant after turnin', considerin' I didn't wanna be around much'a anybody anyway."
I think he's mentioned or alluded to that roughly 13 year period of time more than once, but that's the one I remember best so it's the example I'm using. There's still about 4 Sam audios I've yet to listen to as of making this post, so if I'm missing some Key Lore I'll edit this later. But for now, I don't think Sam has given many specifics on exactly how bad things got during that time. Luckily, 'train wreck' is a pretty broad and subjective term, so it easily covers any degree to which he may have fallen apart during those years.
It also feels like a very 'him' way of quickly brushing over the details of his past/his hurt, as he seems to tend to do with Darlin', (not all the time ofc but it's still something I've noticed) putting his own hurt on the backburner to prioritize and attend to theirs. Even outside of his dynamic with them, I think as a healer, it's something he learned to do. And now he does it with everyone. Put on a brave face, compartmentalize things and unpack them later, etc. I could go on and on but there'll be time for that in other posts I'm sure. For now, lets get back to the song at hand.
With a last-call longneck
Due to personal reasons, I've yet to decide if I want to HC him as having used alcohol as a coping mechanism during that time. I don't recall him having mentioned alcohol much, if at all, (maybe one mention of whiskey that I don't have time to find right now) so I don't think it's necessarily canon that he did, but it's certainly possible. My personal preferences aside, I'll admit it makes for some good additional angst. (And- self-indulgently- it makes some other songs on my playlist for them more fitting.) So, for the sake of this song, let's imagine that he did.
I was searchin', I'd been hurt real bad
This one feels pretty self-explanatory given what Alexis did, (and, if you wanna get even angstier with it, whatever his family did earlier on in his life) so there isn't much commentary to add on my end.
I HC that in spite of 'not wanting to be around anybody', he- like Darlin- still had a tiny part of himself buried deep down that was, in a way, 'searching' for someone to find solace in. (No this isn't me projecting onto them both haha what are you talking about-)
Movin' on, gettin' sidetracked One step forward and five back
This is generally applicable enough that I don't feel the need to give too much of a specific example. Anyone who's recovered or is recovering from trauma knows this non-linear, back-and-forth struggle well already, and I'm sure he was no stranger to it.
If I were to give some examples though, I could point to Darlin's (and subsequently, Sam's) encounter with Alexis at the summit, or the shit that Quinn dredged up about Fredrick and threw at Sam in the interrogation room. Those are both more recent examples and I imagine these lines of the song to be coming from a place of him prior to meeting Darlin', but still, they're some instances where I'm sure he felt like the past was pulling him back in. I'm sure that there's been many throughout those 13 years that we were never witness to.
Not your fault, I was scared to fall
This line reminds me of their 'Cuddles and Confessions' audio. I don't think he ever explicitly said he was 'scared' per se, so afaik there's no specific line I can quote, but in that and every audio prior, he was obviously hesitant to admit, perhaps even to himself, that he was gradually falling for them. Even after the initial confession, there's certain limits of his (e.g. biting) that he carries for far longer, and some that I (and others) HC that he'll carry forever. So this line feels to me like him reassuring Darlin' that his reluctance isn't the fault of them, but his past.
Darlin's Part
You were the star in the pitch black Shine the way on the way back
We don't have any canon instances of them comparing Sam to a star, but I can see it being something they'd say (perhaps less poetically, but the sentiment would be there) one night while laying up on their roof watching the stars with him. Maybe they're dead-tired, talking nonsense with lidded eyes at the end of a long day, fighting sleep in favor of more time spent with him.
"What- what're you pointin' at Darlin'?"
Their hazy focus is trained on the brightest star visible in their line of sight, arm stretched out to the sky above them. "That really bright one, to the... to the left."
Sam does his best to follow their less-than-specific directions of 'to the left', their pointed finger doing little to help given the difference in perspective. Luckily, after all these years, he knows this stretch of night sky like the back of his hand, so it isn't hard to locate the brightest one. Ghosting his fingers up along their arm, he takes their hand in his and brings it back down to earth. "Okay, yeah, I see it now. What about it though?"
"That's you." They say, matter-of-factly.
"That's me?" He questions, humor in his tone.
"Mhm." They nod with finality, blinking slow.
Sam considers the odd statement for a moment before gently correcting them. "I'm uh, I'm pretty sure that's Sirius, actually."
They scoff. "I am being serious."
Sam stifles a laugh into their hair. "No- no I mean- like... what's another name for it... Oh! It's also called the Dog Star."
"C'mon Sam, at least call it the Wolf Star if you're trying to turn this around on me..."
He shakes his head and readies himself to explain further, but they cut him off before he can start. "But no- no, this one isn't about me. That's you."
He decides to play along, finding something endearing in their overtired nonsense. "Okay... then would'ja be so kind as to explain to this confused old man just how, or why that star is me?"
Their frown is audible in their voice as they latch onto the wrong part of his sentence. "You're not old, Sam. ...Do I need to tell Asher to kick the jokes down a notch?"
He smiles at their over-protectivity. "There'll be no need for that, now. Was just a joke, darlin', I promise."
They huff, but thankfully shift focus back to the prior topic. "It's... I dunno. It's just you, Sam. It's... bright. Light. Something warm, out there in the cold dark. Standing out amongst all the rest. Calling to me, stealing my attention. I... I didn't come out here looking for it, but there it is. ...There you were. In the dark. The only bright thing I'd seen in... fuck, in years. Years of chasing fleeting warmth, tripping over myself in the pitch black, falling into... places 'n people I shouldn't have. You were the light in that darkness. Even there, surrounded by the ghost of him. You outshone it. Your warmth didn't hurt. I didn't have to squint when I looked at you. You weren't the blinding sun. You were the brightest star I'd ever seen. You guided me back home."
In the back of their mind, they recall something they once heard, something about light, and time, and distance. Space. Something about... how you can see a star that's already burnt out, because it's light hasn't reached earth yet. The ghost of a star that's already died. Only still perceptible thanks to time, and distance.
They remember Sam's words, once whispered to them on this very roof.
"Whatever your choice is... I'm not gonna live forever. I made that decision a long time ago."
They think about dead stars.
They think about time.
"...-lin'? Darlin'?" Sam's calloused hand slides up their forearm, pulling them out of their thoughts. "There you are. Think I lost ya' for a minute there... you good?"
They look up at Sam, concern creasing his features, shadows cast across his face from the light of the dying stars above him.
They reach out, pulling him down into them. Burying their face into his collar, Sam's concern grows when he feels it saturate with tears. A human might struggle to hear their words, muffled against the thick fabric, but his hearing catches it just fine.
"Don't burn out too quick. Please. I still need you here. I don't- I don't wanna be left in the dark again. Please, please Sam. Don't leave me here. I'm not selfish enough to ask you for forever, but please. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet."
.......Whoopsies! Really, genuinely didn't mean to improv an entire scene there, good god. Also didn't mean to swerve hard into angst at the end but uh. that's what came out! so I'm rolling with it lmao. Aaanyways let's move on, it's getting late and this is a song analysis post, not a fic.
Out of nowhere, answered all my prayers
'Out of nowhere' reminds me of Sam's words from the same HBW video I referenced earlier. "You came into my life like a damn wreckin' ball. There was no preparing for that, clothing or otherwise." While those were Sam's words, not Darlin's, I still feel like they feel similarly to how suddenly Sam came into their life as well. (Not in a bad way, mind you!)
[the significance of 'answered all my prayers' edges into my own personal more headcanon-y/personal/OC-ified Darlin' territory, so we can just gloss over this one for the sake of at least attempting to keep this more universally applicable]
Picked up the towel that I threw in Took in a heart that was ruined
Again, largely self-explanatory I feel. (*proceeds to explain anyways*) I imagine that Darlin' was at the point of throwing in the towel, hellbent on a solo-mission to find Quinn regardless of the danger it posed to them. I doubt they were looking toward the future anymore, (to reference Sam,) fully willing to throw themself at their problems until they really did break.
The specific use of 'ruined' hits hard here, because after everything they went through with Quinn, and especially after he recounted it all to Sam in that interrogation room, I imagine that they really, truly did feel ruined.
Showed me the past ain't a tattoo Loved me even when you didn't have to
These lines in particular make me sick with emotion every time I hear this song, because I feel like they hit the nail on the head for how Darlin' feels.
I'll be here citing various quotes all night that I feel showcase that sentiment, but we don't have time for that! So instead I'm just pointing to the entirety of 'Quinn's Aftermath' video, and leaving you with this single quote from it.
"Everything that he said reflects nothin' on you, and everything on him."
Equally Applicable Lines
And I don't know why Why you saw something in me, baby But you saw right through All the pain, and you came and saved me Yeah, I know you didn't leave me lonely Weren't the one that put the heartbreak on me Picked up the pieces It wasn't the mess that you made Could've left me just the way you found me But you came and put your wings around me You went out of your way To fix what you didn't break
Again, I think these lines are all pretty self-explanatory, and are just as accurate coming from either one of them. To me, at least, their entire dynamic is that they saved each other, in their own ways.
(But I will admit, the final verses about 'going out of your way to fix what you didn't break' are definitely conjuring up memories of Sam in the early days, literally going out of his way to visit and heal Darlin' after their fight with the two vamps. In general, his continued/repeated healing of them after they once again hurt themselves is the very literal definition of fixing what he didn't break.
But! While we may have more blatant examples of Sam being 'the fixer' so to speak, I think he'd argue that Darlin' has done plenty fixing of their own. Physical wounds aren't the only things that need healing, after all.)
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[shameless self-promo of my Sam & Darlin' playlist for those few of u interested enough to make it to the very end of this wall of text. if u liked this then u might like some of the other songs on there soooo maybe go check it out and maybe perhaps give it a follow so i can get a little serotonin boost or dopamine or whatever the chemical is that's released when Number Go Up. ...okay that's it i hope u enjoyed my fixation-induced ramblings! thank u and goodnight]
#redacted audio#redacted sam#redacted darlin#redacted playlists#redacted asmr#redactedverse#music stuff#Spotify#Seven's Blorbo Songs#<- starting a dedicated tag for these kinda posts bc i feel like there will be. Many more#gotta go dig up the few i've made in the past and retroactively tag them. they weren't as Involved as this one but i'll still include 'em#good fucking god this post got long. i started it at like 2pm and now it's almost 8. i've been locked in on blorbo analysis for 6 hours#don't ask why it took That long to make this post okay i am. very slow. but i had a good time so it's all good#there's like 10 other things i needed to spend my free time on today but this post Demanded to be made asap so here we are#i've been stewing on this song for several days since i found it and i literally had to make this post to get it out of my system#i was gonna make One Big Post to discuss the entire playlist at once but it's got 80+ songs on it by now...#and i like to Yap if u cannot tell so it literally wouldn't even all Fit in a single post. so i'll probably just do individual songs#or maybe a few per post if they all fit a certain theme and aren't enough to justify their own post#anyways i. am so very very very in love with Sam. if you. cannot tell. from the entirety of this post. and the state of my blog#about halfway thru this post i realized i perhaps should've just written a songfic but those take so much more effort and time#and i'm already editing two that'll come out later this month. with two more in the wings. so i can't afford to start another#(not Redacted fics btw sorry but in spite of the little drabble i did on this post i'm actually scared to write for this fandom)#i don't feel confident enough not to mischaracterize them. plus i'm already juggling more than i can handle anyways#anyways the drabble + this post in general probably isn't very good lmao i Should like. draft it and edit it tomorrow with fresh eyes#but i wanna go ahead and send it out into the world and just let it be. it's not that big of a deal
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#tw animal death#we had to put one of our cats down today#which. even if he wasnt my cat specifically still doesnt. feel great.#he was super old and we knew his time was coming for a while but. idk. he was such a good boy.#hed hold your face and like use his paw to rub your cheek when you pet him. and hed lie on your chest and bump foreheads when he purred#he was such a good boy. he wasnt mine but ive spent the past year looking after him and its just :/#ill miss him. im glad hes not in pain and not sick anymore. he doesnt deserve that. but im gonna miss him a lot.#his name was mello yello because he was such a chill cat and was so orange he was almost yellow. sweetest thing in the world.#idk i dont have energy for much rn. ill prob try and get some writing done and then find some movie to watch#if anyone has any fun feel good movie recs feel free to hit me up ill take all the feel good i can get#personal
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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my art is not in the game yet but u should still go check out the browser version of The Zone do it
#bakuspecial#the zone rpg#updated caps from my pieces. bc I'm on the last piece now#gonna miss this gig when its done... its been really good for my art#would be more cool if it landed outside of right before lunar new year but thats not in control of me or the client#and I wouldve been a fool to not take the job. cmon#the browser game is the core pack and my art is for expansion characters which is why its not in the browser game#but the art already in the game slaps mad shit. and also its free to play! and also fucked up and evil! what more could u want from a ttrpg#hope I'll be able to come into the new year with this securely under my belt. would genuinely be huge for me and I would love it#that said. I have fry food duty today lol. for ông công rites#its lunar 23rd tomorrow... tết's coming way too soon#man. man#see u on the other side lads. play the game. enjoy it perhaps. have good time most important of all
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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Me finding tiny meaningless character details in something that's not even canon to make more shit up about the fictional character i dont like for literally no reason (i want to ruin their life)
like im at making a headcanon off of an assumption off of a headcanon. im multiple layers deep
#psa only do this to fictional characters!!! do NOT do it to real people#real people have lives and can be affected by things with real consequences#fictional characters dont have lives so feel free to torture them in your head all you want <3#what do you mean did i take my meds today#ok i missed them last night but like im fine. howd u know#unhinged posting#not gonna say who it is because i dont have to :P#im sure if you stalked me for long enough you'd figure it out#oh yea also dont stalk me thats not an invitation that was a joke#ok im gonna shut up now#sometimes character assassination is fun#again FICTIONAL PEOPLE ONLY#ok ok ill stop for real this time
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ughhhh someone kill me i think i might like stay on the third floor today i actually cant deal with her today
#marble musings#vent#shes the only person in my 'friend' group who has the same free block as me#and shes actually a nightmare to be around#im always worried shes gonna take my stuff#(she likes taking my wolf from my hands and my cat ears off my head#and laughs it off as a joke even after i tell her not to??)#and i cant even escape her bc the new friend group that im kind of maybe a part of#she just shows up sometimes#and its awful bc ive seen her make some of my friends uncomfortable and is entirely unapologetic about it#and shes really loud and makes everything about herself and makes conversations impossible#and its annoying bc she kept complaining about not being able to talk to me during free block bc i have headphones on#to listen to music and/or do work#and i was like#'ok you can talk to me if you want idc'#and now she talks to me nonstop during free block regardless of if i tell her i need to get work done#and her existence just kinda stresses me out#but ive never found the right time to tell her to stop#and i cant sit inside where all the tables are bc we usually sit there#and i cant sit outside bc its prolly wet and also she'll find me#and idk if im even allowed to sit upstairs but i kinda have to bc i really dont want to deal with her today#i need like a proper excuse for why im wearing headphones#she doesnt care that i listen to podcasts#and i don have anything to edit#ummmm#i don actually have any hw other than like studying for my math test#fuck ok i guess ill do that#idk what class shes in#umm#if shes also in honors ill cry
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actually i think if my head hurts, i shouldn't have to do anything that day
#had a migraine hit hard and fast and without warning at about 4:30 yesterday afternoon#took meds at 5:30#no effect until 9:30 PM.#then it went away for 3 hours.#took me an hour to fall asleep#and then I woke up pain-free!#and then. i turned my head to turn of my alarm and brought it all right back#but i have to go to school and can't take anything until 5 bc the meds have a long cooldown time basically#mmmmmmm i dont wanna it's gonna be bright and loud and i dont wanna fuck with it today
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man there is really no way out of poverty huh. like for real.
#no matter how much money i save up over years and years it literally won't ever be enough#i'm just never gonna get anything i want done like top surgery and i have to accept that. at the bare minimum it's gonna take over a decade#i have over 10 thousand dollars worth of dental work that needs to be done now#which would have been completely free if my parents just took me as a teen. free. but they didn't because they're abusive fuckwads#so now i gotta foot the bill. i'll never forgive them for a lot of things and that's one of the biggest things lol.#it's gonna cost several thousand dollars just to get me out of here back into a city too not even including finding a place and paying bond#everything i've saved up for literal years now is literally nothing compared to the bare minimum to potentially stop being fucking homeless#i've lost all the weight i gained from being able to feed myself bc i'm back with my parents with even less access to food than last time#so i'm just like... chronically malnourished and fainting all the time again. it really feels like the past few years were for nothing#i wish i had a bed. i haven't had a bed for well over a year now.#it's so fucking expensive to be homeless and for what. i was able to take a shower for the first time in two weeks today#taking a shower costs $30 for me. i'm so tired man.#delete later
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...
#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh#unrelated
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i feel like a huge worthless failure for calling out of work today which is so dumb and stupid like. i’m gonna die someday. and i’m sitting here freaking out about the fact that i’m not working at my minimum wage job. for one day. like what the HELL is that. i’m already suffering which is why i called out but the suffering doesn’t end, it’s just complicated by guilt. and part of me knows i shouldn’t feel guilty, but i can’t stop. it feels like everyone’s judging me because i can’t even do the bare minimum right now. i feel so ashamed, but i’m so angry that i feel ashamed. i know i shouldn’t have to. but i do. it’s like. obligatory. it’s such a disgusting feeling.
#i’m honestly thinking about putting in my two weeks at this job and going to work for liam and his family again#especially if they try to write me up for this. like. i WANT to keep this job and take advantage of the benefits#but i’m not right now nor am i even in any kind of position to do that anytime soon#idk i’m just gonna talk to my therapist tomorrow#working for liam would. FREE UP my schedule MASSIVELY i just. would not be making as much money#idk. he’s gonna talk to his family about it today so. we’ll see ig.#i might make dinner for him and his dad tonight to just. Feel Like I’m Contributing Something#sigh. i feel so awful right now.#my ocd is just so so so so terrible these days the intrusive thoughts won’t stop#my stomach hurts all the time and i’m anxious about it all the time and it’s just.#a vicious and unrelenting cycle i feel terrified constantly. trapped in this hell body
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GOD therseomuch shit to do i thought id have time today to DO stuff. its the fucking weekend why do ihave to do 2 classes and go outside and literally do something for school . the weekDAYS are always busy i havent had a free moment since i fucking joined
#mel roars#and i forgot to clean cicis fucking litter#like forgot as in for nearly a week#everyone always asks why im never getting another fucking pet THAT is why#because if i cant take care of it then all thats gonna happen is its going to suffer under my care#i have so much fucking due art SO many people messaging me i was LITERALLY going to delete my toyhouse account 2 days ago just to fucking#have a moment of relief#ITS NOT EVEN THAT BAD ACTUALLY. this ius normal for so many people to balance their social lives and school and work and shit but i CANT#i cant adhere to a schedule ill lose my fucking mind#i was miserable at my dads but god if it wasnt awesome to Have Free Time#i guess not talking to human beings or going outside for 2 straight years had its Perks#im so fucking sorry to everyone who has to deal with me i am SINCERELY so fucking sorry#i want to do so much stuff with so many people but its always Oh sorry i had to do something :( Sorry i cant do it today Sorry im not free#Sorry sorry sorry SORRY FUCKKKKKKK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK WHY CANT I ACTUALLY JUST DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE#ITS ALWAYS APOLOGIES AND YET??? NOTHING EVER CHANGES???????#and everyone knows this. every single person i have ever spoken to knos im a fucking shit at keeping promises or apologies and it SUCKS it#fucking sucks. can some one take me into their garage and put me down Please#pleas eplease pleasePLEAePLEASAE PLEASE i cant take it anymore fucking help me#i just need SOME one to tell me Directly that i am doing things wrong that im UPSETTING them because i KNOW I AM but i also DONT#unless i recieve it directly from them. god . pleasae. can someone just tell me to shut the fuck up alreasdy
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hello hello hello i just remembered that my english teacher told me a week ago that she's interested in my writing and sent her my two (currently) best short stories with a very polite unnecessarily elaborate message i just Did that i did do that are you proud of me
#also i got early enough to eat breakfast today#which. i havent done the rest of the week#BUT in my defense my alarm clock is kinda broken#also i took a walk#i mean mostly it was spite bc our buses just got more espensive (like a Lot) and this way i can go by bus both ways tomorrow#and it wasnt actively snowing but theres snow and it smells nice so i decided fuck it and walked home#but like i also did take a silly little walk for my silly little mental health and fantasized about silly little blorbos meanwhile#AND i finished a fic of sorts#and i took a five minute power nap on the floor of that one room we kinda lurk in at school in our free time#and majorly surprised a classmate whod seen my jacket but not me (<- lying behind the table in front of the heater under the window)#which was very funny when i just sat up and gave my comment to the Homework Situation and she just went Whoop Biscuit Youre Here??#no it was. it was a good day i think#ik i didnt think so all day but. i dont actually remember those parts. thats. thats pretty neat#a biscuit's rambles#anyways i should go to sleep i have two exams tomorrow yippee#theyre not gonna be too bad tho. pe is gonna be worse lmao
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Got my next covid booster 💪
#it was like an hour ago and my arms already starting to get sore this is gonna suck again#also on the paper I had to fill out beforehand I almost wrote that I was 17. I turn 21 next month#2020 fucked me up so bad I stg my brain froze in time the second lockdown hit#anyways with each covid shot I seem to have less and less symptoms so I think I’ll be mostly symptom free#everything non arm pain related usually hits the next day so tomorrow may suck but who knows#sassy speaks#tw medical#tw needles#worst thing that happened was the fact that I had anxiety abt getting the shot and then had to go run errands which#going to a packed store also stresses me out so I’ve just been anxiety filled all day 😀#gonna take it easy today. maybe draw to keep my arm moving#warning for ppl with intrusive thoughts for the next tag it def has something that could cause a spiral#also right as she was putting the needle in my arm my brain went ‘WHAT IF THE NEEDLE BREAKS OFF IN YOUR ARM’ so that was fun
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