#and that's going to mean reading and weeding and labeling

[hawkelf]

also next time I work on this I'm going to have to start doing more active reading and sorting so uh thoughts and prayers and well wishes for my mental health on that one I guess yikes

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

Chapter 13: Taking Out The Trash

Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV, Soldier Boy POV

Summary:  When you decided to work with Butcher and his merry band of supe hunters to take down Homelander, you neve expected to be saddled with a sullen, grumpy, jerk like Soldier Boy when the job was done. The more you're around him the more you hate him, but you can't help but wonder, is he really as big a jerk as you think? Reader is a supe with plant powers. This takes place in an AU about a month after the end of The Boys Season 3, in which Butcher has let Soldier Boy continue to work with him on his team.  (I'm real bad at summaries, please forgive me!)

Tropes: Enemies to Lovers (Not in this chapter), Slow Burn, Age Difference (Reader is in her 20s), Soft Ben/ Soldier Boy, Protective Ben/Soldier Boy

Word Count: 13.1K

Warnings: I'm going to label this 18+ because Soldier Boy (he's a warning and everyone knows it), Swearing, Mentions of Sex, Sexual Innuendo, Blood, GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF DEATH, DEATH, BLOOD, GUTS, Threatening, Denial, Attempted Manipulation, References to attempted SA in the past, Depressing Thoughts, INSANE REVELATIONS, CONFESSIONS, Talks about weed, Super Manipulative Creepy Trash Man, Sexist comments, Homophobic Comments? Ben/Soldier Boy might be a little bit OOC.

Note: This is told from Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal monologue is in italics and is in first person.

A/N: I'm not going to lie, at the beginning of this chapter it's cute, but the rest of it gets... UNHINGED. I mean its dark because some things are revealed that I don't know why my mind went there immediately but... Also, apparently foreshadowing with dreams is my thing now 🤷🏻‍♀️?

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

"Are you sure that you're okay to start work today?" Jake asked you for the millionth time from across the large cherry wood table that proudly stood in the front window of the shop. "Because there's no shame in staying home and resting for a few more days."

He was holding a large box filled with golden barrel cactus that were about to be placed in the new window display that Jake and you were constructing. His dirty blonde hair was scruffier today, hanging into his face just over the top of his tortoise shell glasses. The red and navy flannel he wore stretched over his arms with the flexing of his muscles beneath as he watched you with interest, worry seeping into the clear blue of his eyes.

The store was as you remembered, almost blindingly green, with trailing vines that kissed your arms when you walked through the front door as if welcoming you home and the healing energy from the plants within fusing your body with newfound strength. You could feel the subtle push of roots in the earth, the unfurling of bright leaves,  the swell of fruit on outstretched branches, and the gentle bend of each petal on the vegetation inside the shop speaking to you and reassuring you. It was welcome after being trapped in a freezer for four days.

Jake didn't know about any of that.

Annie had come up with a lie that you'd been in a car accident when Butcher loaned you his car for a job. It hurt you to lie to Jake, especially when he had brought all the plants to your hospital room because he knew it would make you feel better, but you were still trying to keep that part of your life separate from him. Honestly, you worried that if Jake found out how fucked up the other half of your life was he'd fire you, so you didn't bring it hurtling in through the front of his shop like a freight train. And you really loved working here.

It felt natural for you, tending to the plants, helping teach other people how to for anything that grew while gently showing the love of gardening and tending the earth.

Jake had been pondering the idea of having workshops on the weekend at the shop after hours and he'd finally said yes.

Hopefully, I'd be able to use both of my arms by then. 

You were beyond discouraged that hadn't been able to do any of your crochet projects and you felt like a disappointment when you couldn't go to your bi-monthly crochet circle/class that you lead at the Assisted Living Facility a few blocks over. The woman on the phone from the facility had sounded so disappointed when you told her that you couldn't come and it only made you feel worse.

But it was nice to be back in the swing of things at the shop and wonderful to be back in a place that you felt at ease, but there was something tugging in your chest. It was an odd feeling, not as if you'd forgotten something, but almost as if you missed something. As if there was something that wasn't here that should be and you couldn’t put your finger on it.

A week had passed since you'd been released from the hospital and you were eager to get out from under Ben's house arrest to start working again even with your arm in a large and almost impossible cast to maneuver. You were calling it “house arrest”, because after your grandmother left, Ben refused to let you leave the apartment, stating that you needed to rest. And when you argued with him that you'd had enough rest, he'd planted himself in front of the door and refused to budge.

You were going stir crazy with nothing to do and you probably could have moved him if you really tried, but you didn't want to fight with Ben. Not when he was the person who'd brought you back from the warehouse and not when he was acting different.

Your lips press into a firm line when you think about the past week that you'd spent at home with him. Ben was going out of his way to do everything for you that he could, but that didn't mean you weren't annoyed. You'd had to practically swat him away with one of the wooden spoons in the kitchen when you were heating up a lasagna your grandmother left after he'd loudly complained that you shouldn't be standing for too long and tried to carry you back to the couch. Ben was acting like you couldn’t take care of yourself and hadn't been taking care of yourself since you moved away from home. It was odd.

And he kept doing little things around the apartment, like picking up his clothes and making sure to remember to put things in the dishwasher. Things that he hadn’t cared about before you got hurt and things that you’d yelled at him to do before everything happened. And he always made sure that the couch was clear incase you wanted to watch a movie or just read for a little while. Two things that you had been doing more often since you got out of the hospital.

But weirder still was that Ben hadn't been on one "date," since you got back. The only time he'd left the apartment was in the morning to get the paper and he always brought you back coffee or the pineapple iced tea you loved.

Yesterday he had finally allowed you to leave the apartment to go to the grocery store, because when you tried to give him a shopping list he'd said "I don’t need a fucking list I’m a man!" but then you’d asked him to repeat everything you'd told him to buy and he couldn’t.

The whole time out of the apartment you’d made plenty of jokes about the healing power of fresh air, while Ben countered by making a joke about the healing power of sex and that he'd be happy to make you feel better.

The trip to the grocery store hadn’t ended in bloodshed, even when you had to keep reminding Ben not to buy the name brand things and he'd ignored you or when Ben complained the whole time about how expensive everything was and how long it was taking you to find everything.

But the weirdest thing that happened was when the two of you were looking a produce there was a woman who kept trying to come on to Ben when you were testing the grapes and he completely ignored her. Surprising you because she looked like his type, and when she'd walked away Ben had dropped to his knees to tie your shoe because he noticed that it was loose.

When you'd teased him about it, he said that he "didn't want you to break your other arm when you tripped and ate shit on the concrete." You'd had no problem flipping him off with your unbroken hand.

But despite your insistences for Ben to try and find cheaper brands none of it mattered, because when you got to the register Ben paid for the groceries even when you’d explicitly discussed splitting the bill. The cashier had noted what a gentleman Ben was and you’d grumbled something impolite under your breath so low that only Ben could hear.

But Ben couldn't help you with everything, well, you didn't trust him to close his eyes when you needed help getting dressed or needed help washing your hair.

For those little things, Annie would come over, but she hadn't been sympathetic to your pleas to make Ben let you out of the apartment. In fact, when you hoped Ben wasn't listening she'd made a comment about exactly what you should be doing with a hot older man while being trapped in an apartment with only one bed. The raspberry vines that cling to the refrigerator had started spitting raspberries at her when she said it. And then Ben had looked over the back of the couch at the two of you and said "that's what I keep telling her."

At least when my grandmother was here she didn’t pry about Ben and me.

Your grandmother had stayed for three days following your return from the hospital, sleeping next to you on your queen sized bed before she went back to Illinois and everyday you were more surprised how much she and Ben knew each other. The easy way they spoke to one another, the jokes, the teasing, and the poker games that always ended in your grandmother winning an almost obscene amount of money from Ben all made your head spin. Especially, because whenever she won Ben would accuse her of "cheating," and she'd only roll her eyes and state that someone as old as Ben should be better at poker. But the way he'd said she was cheating was different, not as if she had cards up her sleeve, but if there was some other reason why she could cheat. It was confusing and a little frustrating, because you were terrible at poker.

You didn't understand how you could be that bad, but then Ben had poked the skin between your eyebrows that scrunched under his scrutiny and stated that you were "too easy to read" while your grandmother laughed at you.

She still wouldn’t answer your questions about how she knew Ben, but to you it appeared to be more than them running into each other a few times, it almost seemed like a friendship. You believed her when she said that they didn’t sleep together, but you didn't understand how they could have been friends. She'd never spoken about that part of her life with you before, just her childhood and when she met your grandfather. Needless to say it was like you were seeing a different person when she was around Ben.

Deep down you wondered if she was a supe, but she'd never said that before and you didn’t know why she would keep something like that from you, not when you were one too.

But when Ben noticed how discouraged you got playing poker, he let you look over his shoulder at his hand and watch him play. He was very much in his element and every few hands he would make a joke about playing strip poker to which your grandmother would reply "If you want to be naked that bad Ben, you might as well just go down to the corner and put it to good use."

When she left you were sad to see her go and even Ben seemed a little more moody than usual, almost as if he missed having her around. You missed her too. While she stayed with you, you hadn't had the nightmare, but the night she left you did. You'd woken up gasping for air, the unnatural flash of whitish blue light that raced towards the windshield from the dream vibrating against your skin. Ben had come in to check on you, without breaking down the door, and he'd sat with you until you calmed down enough to fall asleep.

But it was still unusual that Ben acted like he missed your grandmother. You'd never met any other friends that Ben had besides Legend and you wondered if Ben really was as lonely as you thought he was. In the past you'd ascribed that to the reason why he went out with so many women, but this time it only confused you because Ben hadn't been out with a single person all week. You couldn’t think of a reason why that was or what could have changed for Ben to avoid using Tinder. If anything you'd thought he would be bored sitting around the apartment with you, but he wasn't. He'd sit with you on the couch watching a movie or read the paper when you read your book, not talking about anything in particular.

There was only one subject you wanted to discuss.

The two of you hadn't talked about what almost happened on the couch when you slept together when Darren was visiting or the way Ben gently touched you in the hospital. You'd mentally compartmentalized it to being a fluke and were happy that things were going back to normal or at least normal-ish. 

But sometimes your mind would wander to how Ben acted when you were in the hospital, how he'd cupped and held your face, how he'd touched you so reverently, what he'd said about not wanting to leave you with Elijah, and how angry he looked when he found out exactly what Elijah had tried to do.

But whenever you thought about talking to him about that, you’d only shake off the urge and ascribe it to Ben wanting to try and be friends. The exact thing that you'd suggested to him the night of the party.

He's respecting me. If he wants to be friends I can be friends with him. Even if he is acting weird.

In fact, this morning, he'd walked with you to the shop this morning as if it was a normal day.

*2 Hours Ago*

Ben frowns at you. "Maybe you should rest one more day-"

He'd been saying that the entire walk to the shop, but you weren't going to give him the satisfaction of letting him trap you in the apartment for another day.

“Ben it'll be fine. I've rested enough-" You rolled your eyes at him, confused that he was making such a big deal about this. It was both annoying and frustrating you how overprotective he was acting and it was making you mad.

“What about your arm? You can’t lift anything-“ He presses.

“Jake is here for that.” You gestured with your head to where Jake was hovering behind the two of you at the register counting the till while pretending not to listen.

"That makes me feel a hell of a lot better. You think that fucking twink can lift more than me?" Ben scoffs. “Maybe I should stay.”

"Why?"

"So I can lift things!"

“Stop babying me Gramps!"

“I'm not babying you!" He rolls his eyes at the nickname.

“Yes you are! Why are you acting like a helicopter parent? I'm fine. It's been a week and I am completely and utterly-"

Ben's hand comes up and pushes back a strand of hair behind your ear, his thumb lingering for just a second too long against your cheek. The motion makes you freeze, the warmth of his skin like a siren call. "I don't think you need to come back to work so soon." He says quietly, eyes flicking up to where Jake is before he lowers his voice even more. “You were kidnapped and you got hurt. Not to mention that asshole tried to-" Ben's gaze loses any of the softness it held as he remembers what you told him about what Elijah did.

"Ben." You whisper raising your hand to gently touch his wrist. "I promise I'm okay. I'm not doing this to prove anything. I want to be here. I like being here."

"And you don't like being at home with me." Ben whispers it so low that you almost miss it. He withdrawals his hand from your cheek looking angry.

The memory of the day you walked in on Ben talking to Bean hovers over you:

"Why does she hate me so much?"

When you’d heard Ben ask Bean that it hurt you. You didn't want Ben to think that you hated him. He frustrated you and annoyed you, but you didn’t hate him.

Well, he hasn't been annoying me as much lately.

And if anything you were trying not to think about how much you liked being at home with Ben, how much you liked spending time with him. It was easier to try not to focus on that, not when Ben was acting like someone you could love.

Ben doesn't believe in love, not after everything that got fucked up with Countess. I don't think I could ever fall in love with someone like him either. Sure he's attractive, but he's so damn annoying.

"Look at me." You lay your hand on his arm to draw his gaze back to you. Ben almost looks a little embarrassed that you heard him say it and you watch his eyes flick over your head to where Jake is. You pull him through the plants to give the two of you some privacy. "I don't hate you. And I'm not doing this because I don't want to be at home with you." Your cheeks flush with the word 'home.'

Ben kept using it so casually, but to you it always meant something else. Home was the place where you went where no one judged you, where you went to be with the people who loved you unconditionally, and where you felt that you could be yourself with no judgement. Not to mention you believed that eventually your "home" would become a person. Or at least that was what you wanted to happen. Those prospects were looking pretty slim as of late and you were still on the fence about online dating.

Hughie and Annie met the old fashioned way so why should I have to go on an online site only to be rejected based on looks only?

You refocus on the conversation that you're having with Ben.

"I want things to go back to normal, before everything that happened with Darren and Elijah. And this is the only way that I know how." The mention of Elijah's name brings the memory of him on top of you to simmer beneath the surface. You were trying to forget, but every once in a while the memory would come creeping back in bringing the chill of the first frost in its wake to brush against your skin.

Ben's expression softens. "That quack at the hospital said you should rest."

"You mean the man who went to school for over four years to get a degree told me to rest?"

"Then he knows what the fuck he's talking about!"

"Ben-"

"Petals." He sighs the nickname in the soft way that makes a tingle travel down your spine. Ben had been saying it like that more often confusing you further. "You went through a lot and I'm trying to make sure that you’re okay.”

Why does he care about that?

“I am okay.” You whisper. “I’m sick of being on house arrest in the apartment. I can only watch so many of your old films before I go completely insane.”

“They’re not that bad.”

"Debatable."

Ben sighs again, but he seems to realize that you're not going to budge. You were just as stubborn as he was and you knew that he hated that about you. "Fine. I've got to do something today anyway."

"You got a date?"

You meant it as a joke, but for some reason you feel a twinge deep down that you weren't expecting.

"No." For a moment you think Ben almost looks offended by the suggestion. "Butcher's helping me with something."

"With what? You hate Butcher. And why would he want to do you a favor?"

"Because he wants to find the sick son of a bitch as much as I do!" Ben growls, the soft look in Ben's eyes goes dark as you realize who he's talking about.

You hadn't heard from Darren since everything with Elijah. Not that you expected to. Darren's things had vanished from your apartment and he was gone without a trace. Butcher had tried to track the phone Darren had, but it was out of service. You didn’t want to see him and you didn’t want to think about him, not after everything he'd put you through. It was like Darren to suddenly show up with an apology and say everything that you wanted him to. In the past you'd thought it was because he cared about you and didn't want to lose you, but it was becoming more and more apparent that Darren knew exactly what to say to get you to forgive him. He played you so easily that it broke your heart.

It was hard for you to acknowledge that and hard for you to believe that after all these years the relationship you had with your brother had been a lie, a well rehearsed play that Darren performed whenever he was in town.

And this time you weren't going to forgive him. Not when he'd given you to Elijah like a form of payment. Darren was done using you and you were ready to cut him out of your life.

At least, that was what you told yourself anyway. Sometimes when it was dark and you were all alone in your room you thought that maybe you should forgive him because he was your brother and you didn’t want to abandon him. You'd never admit that out loud, and certainly not in front of Ben, but you weren't sure if you were strong enough to turn Darren down if he reappeared.

"Oh." You look down at your shoes for a second while chewing on the inside of your cheek.

There's an awkward silence that passes through the two of you, charged with the same energy that hovered between you when you were back at the hospital. And you can’t help but think that Ben looks disappointed that he has to leave. You again wonder why he was being so overprotective, especially when he said that he didn't care about you.

That was another thing that you were starting to believe was a lie, Ben cared about you even if he didn't want to admit it, because someone who cared wouldn't do everything he had done for you over the past week.

"Petals?"

"Yes Gramps?" You look up at him mentally preparing for him to ask you again if you're okay, but he doesn't.

"Don’t get into any strange cars." Ben's lips tilt up into a smirk.

"Even if they say they have candy?"

Ben only shakes his head, but then he lingers for a second too long, as if he's waiting for something. "And try not to break anything else." He mutters and then he's gone.

Why is he acting so weird?

*Present Time*

"Because Ben said-" Jake says, snapping you out of the memory of Ben saying goodbye.

"When did you guys talk?" You look up at him from the table in shock.

"Well, I tried to come see you three days ago and he didn't let me in. He said you needed rest and that I should come back later." He explains, emptying another box of cacti.

"You came by?" You ask him confused. The cacti are in multicolored pots and you try your best to avoid the spines as you shift them over the table into position.

"Yeah. Ben said he'd tell you that I did."

"Huh."

Ben hadn't told you that Jake came by, hadn't mentioned it once and he'd had plenty of opportunities to tell you. The two of you were practically both living on the couch, because Ben was making you watch all of his old movies. You think that he was trying to impress you with his acting skills, but all it did was make you mock him endlessly for the cheesy lines and the ridiculous helmet they made him wear as a part of his supe suit. You had taken to repeating the lines from the movies at the most inopportune times to tease him and Ben had started teasing you with quotes from the romance novels that you liked.

Your cheeks flushed at the memory.

It had been embarrassing. You were reading on the couch quietly to yourself and were so absorbed in the scene that Ben had snuck up behind you to read over your shoulder. It hadn't helped that you were at a particular steamy part. He'd made a joke of wanting to re-enact whatever you wanted from the chapter and you'd stomped away to take a shower. It was getting harder to deny his requests to sleep with you, especially when Ben was acting different than he usually did and had been acting like a new person since you got back from the hospital.

"He didn't tell you?" Jake looks disappointed.

"Gramps is forgetful sometimes." You frown at the display between the two of you.

Why didn’t he tell me that Jake came by? Jake has been so sweet. He brought me all those plants and he was worried about me. Or at least… You bite the inside of your cheek remembering what Ben said about when Jake came to the hospital:

"He was fawning all over you like a fucking pussy, thought he was going to cry."

You hadn't thought about Jake at all, other than the occasional wave of guilt for leaving him without any help for a whole week. But it was weird that Ben hadn't told you that Jake stopped by, because when Mike brought you a bouquet of yellow roses Ben had let him in and stood with a cup of coffee in the kitchen smirking at you as Mike talked with you for thirty minutes about how nice the weather was outside. It made you want to strangle Ben, but as retaliation when Mike's mother came by later with a basket of wheat grass muffins and something that looked like green sludge you'd invited her in to talk with Ben. She'd sat on the couch in a bright pink mumu, rubbing his upper thigh and talking about her ex-husband while Ben glared at you every chance he got and you sipped a cup of blueberry tea and laughed quietly to yourself.

"Why do you call him that?" Jake asks while putting down a golden barrel and grabbing a fishhook cactus carefully to avoid the spikes.

"Because he acts like a grumpy old man." You snort to yourself thinking of how cute you thought it was when Ben acted all crochety and frustrated by modern day technology.

"He does." Jake laughs. "So…"

"So?"

"Are you guys together?"

"What?" You sputter looking up from the plants to Jake with wide eyes. "Why do you think that?"

"Well he's always around." Jake picks up the empty box and stacks it on top of another one. "And he always acts kind of…" Jake shrugs.

"Kind of what?"

"Jealous. He's always mad at me for some reason."

"That's just how he is. You gotta peel back the layers like an onion when it comes to him." The words are easy, but you can't help but be a little bit surprised. You were defending Ben. You’d never defended him before, made fun of him, apologized for him, but never defended him. "I mean he's-" You prick your thumb on one of the spikes. "Ow."

"Did it get'cha?" Jake snorts.

"Yeah must be losing my touch. Went soft on all my days off."

"You deserved those days off. You needed to rest-"

You roll your eyes. "Please don't say the r word again. Ben's been saying it for the past week."

"I'm serious." Jake picks up another golden barrel and arranges it on a higher platform on the display. "There's something going on between the two of you."

"You mean Ben driving me to the point of insanity?"

"No. I mean the guy is always watching you-"

"He likes to stare at my ass." You roll your eyes at Jake. "What else is new?"

His cheeks flush with your mention of Ben's interest in your body. "I don’t mean like that. He always looks at you when you're working."

Your straighten up from the floor with a fresh box of Christmas Cactus, arranging the long tendrils so that they are hanging down over the edge of the table. "What do you mean?"

"Sometimes I see him walk by later in the day when you're reading at the register."

What? When has Ben been walking by and why? Is he spying on me?

"What? When?"

Jake shrugs. "I don't know just sometimes. He never comes in. One time he walked by with two cups of coffee, but he just kept walking."

Probably for one of his dates.

"Ben isn't interested in me like that. We're just friends and roommates." When you say that your chest gets a little bit tighter. "Ben doesn't have relationships, he has flings. The guy is basically a walking Trojan ad."

Jake runs a hand through his shaggy dirty-blond hair, to push it out of his face and away from his glasses. "I don't know, you didn't see him when you were asleep in the hospital. The guy was practically daring anyone to get close, like he was trying to protect you from something."

His words make you chew the inside of your cheek remembering what your grandmother said about Ben yelling at the doctors and the nurses and make you think about how overprotective Ben seemed to be acting over the past few days.

Ben is just trying to be a better friend. He knows that I went through a lot.

Annie had also been acting overprotective as well. She kept bringing things by the apartment to make your life easier with the cast and she kept bringing by food. She'd also brought by a big bag of thrifted romance books that she had found at your favorite used bookstore Inky's Inspirations and the two of you had spent the better part of a day devouring them. She was making more time for you because you knew that she felt bad about you getting hurt, and Hughie came by too. Ben didn't share the same enthusiasm that Hughie had for conversation, but whenever Ben was mean you would glare at him and Ben would huff out something under his breath and try to contribute more to the conversation.

"That's just how he is. Ben is kinda," You wave a hand. "Protective of his friends."

"I noticed." Jake frowns. "But I guess I'll take your word for it."

An awkward silence follows and the two of you finish the display, but you can't stop thinking about Ben walking past the shop.

How many times did he do that? And why? He always seems to hate walking and makes a big deal about me walking by myself. Why would he want to walk here all the way from Butcher's?

"Why don't you go check out the display of herbs by the register? I'm not sure how to arrange the Rosemary and the Oregano."

"Sure." You shrug heading back through the aisles that spill vines onto the concrete floor, your hand sliding through the leaves as you walk, feeling the plants begin to perk up with your gentle touch. The browning leaves vanished, the drooping stems straightened, and the plants turned up to you as if you were the sun.

Being here again and having a normal day was making you feel better. At home your plants had needed some TLC after you were gone for so many days and as hard as Jake tried to maintain every single plant in the store, you knew that it was too much for him to contain. Things like that were easy for you.

The day passes by slowly. Ben had told you that he'd be there to pick you up at closing and you found yourself checking the clock. You'd never done that before. When you were working in the past you never wished for the day to be over, but for some reason the idea that Ben was going to pick you up made you almost happy.

The shiny metal bell above the door jingled as the last customer of the day entered the shop, but you don't look up from the bouquet of flowers you were arranging for a last minute birthday order that someone called in for tomorrow morning. You didn't often do them, but Jake was busy breaking down the display of flowering plants in the other window and you were more than happy to help out.

Even if it was difficult with one hand.

You could hear whoever it was coming closer to the register, the sound of their shoes clunking against the weathered gray concrete floors with every step.

"Welcome in. Can I help you with something?" You don't look away from the sunflowers in the vase in front of you, using one hand to place some holly ferns to give it a bit more green before you reach for the baby's breath that sits in a bundle on the vintage wooden bar that served as a desk for the register.

"Well I'm not sure. Do you have anything that says 'I'm sorry my friend kidnapped you?'" A familiar voice asks.

Your head jerks upwards at the sound of the voice, but you already know who it is.

Darren stands there in his traditional black army jacket. His blonde buzzed hair is blindingly white in the sunlight that comes through the wide glass windows at the front of the shop, catching the glint of the gunmetal colored hoops in his right eyebrow. His smile is sheepish, apologetic, and if you hadn’t been through what you did, you might have believed that it was genuine.

"Darren?" Your voice is no more than a whisper, surprise leaking into it as you utter your brother's name.

You didn’t actually think that he would come to see you, not when he knew who Ben really was, and not when he knew that you knew he sacrificed you to save his own skin.

"Hey sissy. Did you miss me?"

The nickname strikes a nerve deep down.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Jake glances over from the front window his eyes widening at your sudden outburst. He'd never met your brother before and he knew that something must be wrong if you were angry. Jake knew you well enough to know how composed you were most of the time and knew that for you to be angry something must really be wrong.

"I wanted to see you. Can I give you a hug?" Darren holds out his arms towards you.

"What do you think?"

"But you love hugs." He makes a step towards the end of the register.

"If you take another step I'm going to scream. What are you doing here?" You say again.

"I told you. I wanted to see you. I haven't been able to see you since-"

“Since you handed me over to Elijah to pay off your fucking gambling debt?” The baby's breath in your hand crumbles into a ball, but you barely feel it.

“See." Darren rolls his eyes and holds up a finger. "I knew you’d overreact. You’re way too sensitive.” 

“Overreact? OVERREACT? He locked me in a fucking freezer!” You spit. “He tried to-“ A cold feeling rises and prickles against your skin when you remember the weight of Elijah’s body on yours and the way his hand squeezed your throat. The purplish-black marks were still there, but hidden under a burgundy ribbed turtle neck sweater that you'd put on this morning. You figured it would be hard to explain those marks to Jake, especially when Annie had told him you were in a car accident.

“Hey, is everything okay over here?” Jake interrupts. He wipes this dirt covered hands on his jeans as he gets closer to where Darren is leaning against the front of the register.

"Yeah." You clear your throat. "Darren was just leaving."

"No, I'm not." Darren hasn't looked away from you and hasn't acknowledged Jake's presence. "I want to talk to you."

"Too bad. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say." You breathe, but you could feel a twinge in your heart. The love you had for your brother was ebbing just on the edge of the rage and heartbreak that you felt every time you think about what he did to you. It was difficult to treat him this way, not when you'd given in to whatever he wanted for so long. You hated that about yourself, hated the piece of you that wanted to forgive him.

But Darren does not move, in fact you can see the way his eyes flick over you as if he can sense that you're unsure.

"I want to talk this out." He says a little more forcefully.

"If she says that she doesn’t want to talk to you, I’m going to have to ask you to leave." Jake replies continuing to frown at your brother. They were both about the same height, but where Darren was rail-thin, Jake had a little bit more muscle to him. Not as much as Ben, but enough that he was bigger that your brother.

But you knew that it would do little good. Darren was even more stubborn that you were, and you could see the dangerous glint in his eyes that got him into trouble more times than you could count when the two of you were growing up.

“Try it four eyes." Darren's lips pull back in a challenge.

The lights overhead flicker for just a second, almost imperceivable to the eye. Jake crosses his arms over his chest in a way that you think he must believe is intimidating. “I’m going to ask you to leave one more time before I call the police.” 

"And I said that I'm not going to fucking leave without talking to my sister."

"Sister?" Jake falters looking at you, his blue eyes wide in surprise behind his glasses.

You stand there for a moment trying to think of a way out of this. There's a little voice buzzing in your ear telling you that something is wrong, but you can't put your finger on it. And an even smaller voice whispering that you should call Ben.

I don't need him to handle this. Darren and I have to talk eventually and might as well do it now.

"Fine, but let's take this outside." You walk around from behind the register. "Jake has to lock up in fifteen minutes."

"Perfect! I just need five." Darren smiles at you the same way that he always has, the smile that you'd laughed with and allowed to reassure you, but this time all it does is make all of this worse.

When the two of you get outside, the sun is just starting to sink behind the buildings, bathing everything in a golden glow. Despite the situation it is a beautiful day. The smell of the bakery next door sent the soothing aroma of cinnamon and brown sugar each time it's door opened, the warmth of the sun was on your back and shoulders, the wind had picked up just enough to rustle your hair where it was pulled back from your face in a ponytail, and you could hear the children playing in the park just around the corner where the trees sent their long shadows over the playground.

Darren shifts from foot to foot and you can see the way he's trying to think of something to say, as if he's pretending that he didn't rehearse this in his head. You wonder if he's always done that, if he'd rehearsed everything he ever said to you because he knew exactly what to say to get you to agree for so long.

"Look Darren, I don't want to talk about this. Nothing that you're going to say is going to make any of this okay. Nothing that happened was okay! You left me there with him, you brought me to him, and then you lied about why I was really there."

"I'm sorry about that." Darren's gaze softens, eyebrows furrowing in mock sincerity. "Believe me, I wouldn't have taken you there if I knew that Elijah was going to do any of those things to you honey."

"Oh that is such-"

"I will admit that I did lie about why you were there. But I knew that you wouldn't come if I told you that it was for weed and Elijah really said he just wanted you to look at the plants for a few minutes. He didn't say anything about a freezer." Darren holds up his hands as if surrendering.

"And there it is! You admit that you lied to me, that you manipulated me to get me to go with you. And then you had the audacity to say that if I was uncomfortable we could go home!" You shout at him, narrowing your eyes. "Well Darren, I gotta tell you I was fucking uncomfortable in that damn freezer and in his damn office, and where were you? Oh right…" You tap your lips with the tip of your finger. "You left me there with that fucking psychopath!"

"I didn't leave you there! I called Richie and when I came back into the office, you were gone. Elijah told me that you left! I went back to your apartment and-" Darren frowns at you. He didn't like that you weren't listening to what he had to say.

"Do you expect me to believe any of that bullshit?" You plant your hands on your hips as you interrupt him, feeling a surge of anger swelling in your chest.

Even though the two of you are technically standing outside of the shop, you can still feel the energy from the plants inside, intertwining with you, strengthening you, and waiting for your command.

Truthfully ever since you'd killed Elijah you hadn't been able to forget it. You'd never used your powers like that before, never knew that you could, and never had fanaticized about that. But now, standing outside of the shop with your brother you could feel the plants calling out to you, asking you to command them, begging you to free them. You could feel them clawing in the dirt, the roots beneath writhing and unsettled, the flowers turning to watch Darren and you. Even the trees down the street that stood as stoic protectors over the children playing beneath their feet began to bend towards the two of you.

Sure in the past you'd been connected to the world around you, but ever since everything that happened with Elijah, your powers felt different, as if there was something else brewing and prickling beneath your skin that begged to be unleashed.

"I'm trying to apologize and you won't even listen to me!" Your brother shouts. Darren was leaning down over you, not as tall as Ben, but tall enough to be bigger than you.

You'd never feared him in the past, but you saw something flicker behind his eyes, something predatory, something that you'd never seen before in all the years that you'd spent with your brother.

"I don't want to hear anything you have to say Darren. I want you to leave-" You reply, hands still planted on your hips.

"No."

"No?"

"No. I can't stop by your damn apartment because you have that asshole hovering around. He would tear me to pieces before I got a chance to talk to you. And I want to explain what happened." Darren snaps back, eyes dark.

"I know what happened! Elijah told me exactly-"

"You're going to believe him over me? I'm your brother! I'm your blood, do you really think that I would have let Elijah do any of those things to you if I knew he would?"

"I don't know anymore."

It broke your heart to admit that aloud, but it was true. You didn't know if Darren cared about you at all and if he loved you the way that you loved him, if he ever had.

"What do you mean you don't know?" He looks hurt, shoulders slumping downward. "Sissy-"

"I-" You falter.

For just a fleeting moment the anger and heartbreak you feel towards your brother recedes just enough for the love you have for him begin to trickle back in. You wanted to believe that he cared about you. Frustrated tears burn in your eyes, because a part of you wants to push him away but there's another part that clings on with bloody fingertips and asks you to listen to him.

Because Darren was your family and all you could think of was if your parents were here what would they do? All those years that you supported your brother you'd thought that you were honoring their memory by refusing to turn your back on him. You wanted to love your brother, wanted to believe that everything he was saying was genuine, and all the years that you gave in to whatever Darren asked you were bearing down on you.

"Come on sissy. I love you. You're the only family that I have left." Darren soothes taking a step closer to you when he senses how hesitant you are to push him away.

"Well-"

"Please listen to-" Darren begins to say, but his entire body is yanked backward by something.

"She doesn't need to hear another fucking word you have to say." Ben snarls, holding Darren tightly by the throat above the sidewalk.

You hadn't seen him walk up. Ben could move silently when he wanted to and right now he looks murderous. There's a fire blazing behind his eyes turning them into heated furnaces of pure emerald, practically glowing in the last slips of the sunlight that peeks behind the buildings and stretches the shadows long over the almost empty street. His mouth is pulled back in a snarl as he stares at your brother, the grip he has on his throat tightening.

The couple across the street gasp when they watch Darren struggle in Ben's unbreakable grip, but Ben doesn't acknowledge them.

"I made you a promise." Ben's voice is a low growl as he holds Darren up so high off the ground that Darren's feet kick helplessly in the air. "You should have stayed gone you insignificant piece of shit."

Darren's eyes flash to yours. "Are you really going to let him treat me this way? I'm your brother!"

Ben's grip tightens on his throat and Darren grabs on to Ben's wrist.

You stand there frozen in horror unable to speak. A part of you is screaming for Ben to let him go and another part of you is begging for Ben to do what you don't think you can. You felt so weak in that moment, unable to turn your back on your brother, on the abuser, the manipulator, and the man who used you for years.

Ben's eyes flick to yours for a moment, something passing through his gaze that you can't understand, but it gives you strength.

"Sissy?" Darren's voice sounds so broken.

"Ben. Put him down." You say.

"What?" Ben snaps, eyes flashing.

"Please. Put him down." You breathe, your eyes catching Ben's for a moment.

Ben's jaw is tight, the muscles in his torso tense, but he does what you say with a grunt. Darren's body falls onto the sidewalk and he gasps for air, touching his throat as he gets to his feet.

Darren smiles at you through the deep breaths. "I knew you wouldn't let him-"

"Leave" You say as calmly as you can, but there's a slight tremor on the edge of your voice.

Ben takes a step closer to you when he hears it, but he doesn't touch you. He's still staring down Darren, eyebrows pulled tight together, and his mouth turned down into a frown with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. You know that he's probably a little pissed at you that you told him to put Darren down, but you also couldn't believe that he listened to you.

"What?" Darren stutters.

"Leave." You repeat. "I never want you to come back here ever."

"But I'm your-"

"If you say that you're her fucking brother one more time, I'm going to rip you in half." Ben's hands clench at his sides and you know that he's holding himself back from grabbing Darren again.

“You’re my family. I love you.” Darren says, the edge of his voice cracking just a little bit, but there's something behind his gaze that makes you pause. You're not sure if it's because he's trying to hide how mad he is at Ben or what, but there is something unsettling about the way he's looking at you.

“I don’t think you do.” It broke you to say it, to admit it out loud. “I’ve let you use me all these years, sacrificing my own happiness, my own success for you, because I loved you, but I don’t think you’ve ever once loved me. All you’ve done is look out for yourself.”

“That’s ridiculous-“

“When’s my birthday Darren?” You ask him, throat tight.

He freezes. “You're kidding right? You really think I don't know when your birthday is?"

"What have I been dreaming of doing since I was ten years old?"

"Sissy-"

"Your birthday is June 12th." You reply without stuttering. "Since you were thirteen years old your dream has been to own a blue 1970 Chevelle with black racing stripes. But you can never seem to scrape together enough money to get one."

Darren visibly pauses with your answer.

"I pay attention to everything you tell me Darren. I remember everything because I love you. And if you loved me, you would know those things about me. You would actually care enough to remember that I hate surprises, that I hate that insipid nickname, and since I was eight years old the only thing that I've been dreaming about is to open up my own farmer's market."

"You're kidding right?" Darren snorts. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"And that's exactly why I don't believe that you love me. Because if you did you would support me the way that I've supported you for years."

"I-"

"No. I have sacrificed so much for you and you have never once done anything for me! So I'm asking you to leave, because as much as I love you, I can't do this anymore." The tears were blurring your vision, but you were holding it together the best you could. Ben was now standing so close to you that his arm was almost touching yours and you feel his fingertips brush the back of your hand just for a second, as if he wants to hold your hand but he doesn't.

"But-" Darren gapes, mouth wide open.

"She told you to fucking scram Dipshit." Ben snarls his eyes narrowing at your brother.

You could tell that it was taking a lot of effort on Ben's part not to turn Darren into mush and it made you grateful that he was here. Because Ben was letting you handle it, but he was there for you if you needed him to be. It was the first time that you realized how much you needed him with you.

Darren stands there for a minute eyeing Ben and you, emotions running together across his face merging with one another, his eyes darkening. And then he does something you didn't expect.

Darren begins to laugh.

 Not just a little giggle or a snort, a deep throated rumble that shakes his body as he doubles over laughing so hard that he begins to wheeze.

"Oh sissy. I've been waiting for this for years. You have no idea." Darren continues to laugh, gasping for air and putting his hands on his thighs to hold himself steady.

What the hell is happening?

"What?" You ask tentatively. Even Ben is looking at him in surprise.

"Man. I've been wondering for years how long it would take you to finally grow a fucking backbone, but wow. I never thought it would be now." He starts to slow clap. "I'm impressed."

"What are you talking about?"

The glint in his eyes was back and Darren was smiling wide, so wide that you could see all his teeth. It reminded you of when Annie and you used to watch Crocodile Hunter on tv when you were kids and would huddle together watching Steve Irwin fearlessly handle them.

Darren's smile turns more into a smirk. "Kinda a good thing too, because I don't need you anymore, not with the way business is going. Honestly, I should thank your boyfriend. He solved a major problem for me."

"What problem?" Ben snarls.

"Elijah." Darren laughs out the name. "When I found out that you were Soldier Boy and saw how friendly you were with my sister at that ridiculous fundraiser. I knew that you'd come save her and kill Elijah. Poisoning his plants and letting it slip at that my sister just happened to be a plant supe at a poker game was the only way that I could get her involved and Elijah jumped at the chance.

He was at the fundraiser? When was he at the fundraiser?

"Why would you do that?" You ask in surprise.

What in the actual fuck is going on? He planned for Elijah to take me? He purposely poisoned the plants?

You were seeing a different side of Darren. Growing up he'd always had a temper, but Darren was never conniving or cunning. He never planned ahead more than an hour. It was always you that had to remind him to do things and you that begged him to at least think ahead for the entire week.

He's not some criminal mastermind. The guy doesn't believe that pickles used to be cucumbers for fucks sake.

"He was bad for business, he was already encroaching on my territory with the weed and then he said he was going to expand into cars and I couldn't have that. So." Your brother shrugs.

"But I don't understand why?"

Ben looks just as confused as you do, but the anger has not vanished from his eyes. You realize that Ben is waiting for you to say the word for him to start in on Darren. And it made you feel grateful again that he was here with you.

"Oh sissy you're still so innocent. I almost feel bad for you, not really. But" Darren flashes another brilliant smile that doesn't seem to fit the conversation the three of you are having. "I guess I should thank you. I would have never been able to build an empire without you."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Ben spits.

He was getting tired of Darren's monologuing and frankly so were you. An odd feeling prickled against your skin, splattering and splashing like oil in a skillet and the plants in the shop behind you pressed themselves against the windows as if trying to warn you. There was something wrong about this whole situation, something that you knew that you were missing, but you couldn’t put your finger on it.

"And to think I was so upset when you survived that night." Darren looks disappointed, but he chuckles. "Of course my aim now is a little bit better than it was then." His eyes pulse a dangerous electric blue and an unnatural hum fills the air. "I've had the practice."

He's a supe? How long has he been a-

The thought stutters to a halt when you realize what he said.

"Your aim? What do you-"

The words are barely out of your mouth, when the cold shock of what he's talking about hits you like you'd been dunked into a bucket of cold water. The memory of the night your parents died comes crashing over you in a wave and you're transported into the backseat of the car. The supple leather beneath your fingertips, the chill of the air conditioning, the melding of your parent's voices to "Nights In White Satin," the patter of rain against the metal roof that streaked across the glass windows, and the sticky remnants of chocolate ice cream on your cheeks. The unnatural flash of white light illuminates the interior of the car, the light that seemed to crackle and pulse across the space in front of the vehicle and seemed to come from in front of the car and not above the way the cops said it had.

The same flash of light that everyone said was lightning, but now you knew better.

You remembered it all, the hum of electricity in the air as the bolt hit the car and your dad jerking the wheel and sending the car over the bridge, and the sound of your mother's scream ringing in your ears just before the jolt of the car hitting the water and everything went black.

"No." You whisper taking a step back from your brother. "It was you?"

Horror and shock clamps down around your throat making it difficult to breathe.

Why would he do something like that? They were our parents. Why would he want to kill the two people who loved him as unconditionally as they loved me?

You didn't have one unhappy memory from the childhood you spent with your parents. The house was always warm, filled with the smell of baked goods, and the love your parents had for one another and for Darren and you. Every day was fused with wonder and excitement, and the weekends were filled with surprise trips to places that you’d never been before. They cared so much for the two of you, sacrificing the big things in their lives so they could be around Darren and you.

Darren wasn't with us in the car, he said he had homework and that he couldn't come with us to my recital.

Darren smiles wider, proud that you figured it out. "I was worried that you saw me standing on the road that night in the rain. That's why I left for a few days after the accident, but when I showed up again  and you were so happy to see me, I saw my chance. You didn't know that it was me and there wasn't a need for me to stay gone."

"But why? Why would you do that?"

Darren's expression turns murderous. "Do you have any idea what it was like being second best to you my whole life?" Electricity jumps from his fingertips, flashing a dangerous blue and crackling in the air. "What it was like to be your brother?"

Holy fuck he's the electric supe. And the empire that Elijah was encroaching on was his chop shop.

The thought blazes through you and you remember what Elijah said about "expanding into automotives."

Of course Darren needed us to take Elijah out. Elijah had money and had the means to destroy Darren, but without the competition then…

You blink to bring your thoughts back together, realizing what your brother just said to you. “What are you talking about? You were never second best-"

"Yes I was!" He seethes. "You’ve always been the special one. The supe, the favorite, the golden child. I could never touch you! You're the one that mom and dad were so proud of.”

Darren takes a step forward and Ben mirrors the move, shifting his body in front of you to protect you from Darren, but Darren doesn't take his eyes off you. His face is contorted in hate, anger flaring white hot in his eyes that still glow an unnatural and dangerous bright blue. The air is full of the energy, popping and crackling along Darren's skin with every pulse of electricity.

"Darren-" You begin to say, but he interrupts.

"No." He snarls. "I'm talking now. You can't shut me up. Do you have any idea how long I've waited for this? They put you on a fucking pedestal for years. You were the one with all the toys all the talent. You're the one that they gave the Compound V to. I had to scavenge and scrape together enough money to bribe a friend of mine to swipe some from his mother's hospital."

So that's how he got it.

Anger, rage, heart break, and shock were fighting in your chest for dominance. You could feel the burn of tears in your eyes understanding that the brother you thought that you'd loved for all these years was also the man who murdered your parents in cold blood.

He tried to kill you too.

The thought was everywhere, ricocheting around in your head, the truth that Darren hid for years finally coming out.

"I was made for more. You. You're nothing." Darren spits. "You're a disappointment. Mom and dad gave you the powers and all you do is sit in a fucking plant shop all day long. What about me? I can fucking fly! I can fry someone from thirty fucking feet away! I amounted to something. All you do is make the fucking flowers bloom."

You'd heard the insult before on the lips of the men Elijah employed, the men who underestimated you. You'd heard it before in the tone of voice your brother had when he spoke to you the other night when he came to crash in your apartment and took your bed.

The energy in the air was reaching a dangerous peak and you could still feel it scraping against your skin. The plants in the shop behind you are pressed tight against the window and you have no idea where Jake is, only that you hope he's far away from whatever is about to happen.

Anger pulses hard and fast in your chest, sending a bitter taste into your mouth.  "Oh you amounted to something? You didn't amount to anything! You’re still just a sack of shit that’s I’ve been dragging around. And I can't believe that I let you do it to me for years! You don’t care about me you don’t love me-"

"Of course I fucking don’t! I never have!"

"And then you killed the two people who loved you unconditionally-"

"They didn't fucking love me!" Darren snarls. "The only thing they loved was you. A pathetic little bitch who should have just keeled over and died like a good girl."

Ben's hand comes out and grabs Darren by the front of his jacket hauling him up into the air. "Don't you fucking speak to her that way." His voice is no more than a growl, rumbling low in his chest, his own eyes flashing a deep green, darker than you'd ever seen before. His skin has taken on a golden glow, coming through the dark t-shirt and pair of jeans he was wearing and the smell of ozone fills the air around the three of you.

"What are you going to do Benny?" Darren's body is glowing a blue beneath his outfit. "Show me that famous Soldier Boy temper? Fuck, you're just as pathetic as she is, nothing more than a washed up-"

Ben isn't holding on to Darren anymore, Darren's body is flying back into the street with the force of Ben's throw, but it doesn't strike ground, it gets hit mid-air by a passing bright red minivan. Darren's body flips backwards over the top of the car and lands in the street in a broken heap.

You're still frozen on the sidewalk as Ben sails in to beat down Darren's body where it lies, but there's an awful flash of bright blue light and an SUV that was parked on the street goes flying into Ben, propelling both of them into the bakery next door to the plant shop. The loud crashing of glass and brick with the force of the hit rings in your ears.

"Ben!" You shout, but he's no where in sight.

Darren stands from the ground, one of his arms hanging limply at his side and there's a bloody gash on his forehead that drips blood down into his eye, but and when Darren smiles, blood smears the inside of his usually white teeth.

"Goodbye sissy."

You don't have time to react. The bolt of lightning catches you in the center of the chest and throws you backwards into the plant shop. There's a terrible feeling of weightlessness, before your body hits the glass windows and slams into the flowering plant display that Jake had been working on when Darren showed up.

You land on your back hard, head hitting the concrete with a sickening crack that you feel vibrate through your entire body. Pain is everywhere. There's glass imbedded in your back, the cast on your arm is cracked open, your leg is burning and you're afraid to look down to see what you'll find. You can taste blood in your mouth and feel something sticky underneath your head that you're sure is the same.

You stare up at the florescent lights of the shop for a moment, the revelation of everything your brother had done beginning to finally sink in.

He killed our parents, he tried to kill me.

Tears burn and fall down your cheeks with the thought. Emotions swirling in your chest too fast to name.

I spent years taking care of him, letting him berate me, manipulate me, use me for whatever he needed and not once did he love me. I was so stupid. How could I have been so stupid?

The plants were circling around you, calling out to you, brushing against your broken body as you continued to lay there staring up at the ceiling. Black was starting to close in on the edge of your vision, making everything go a little bit fuzzy, but your mind was awake.

He killed our parents, he tried to kill me.

You think again, but you still can't move. You feel the trailing vines of the plants touching your legs, wrapping over them, laying down over your chest, and creeping up towards your broken arm and your face. They were whispering to you, asking your permission, begging you to let them free.

He killed our parents, he tried to kill me, and he tried to kill Ben.

And with that thought, you feel the rage begin to take over, burning hot and beating against your rib cage like a drum.

The plants around you begin to glow a vivid green, binding around your limbs, their strength flooding into your body as you call them forth to help you. The healing energy wrapping you in a cocoon of energy and life, taking away your pain. Pieces of glass fall from your skin, your bones knit back together, your skin closes and the scars left behind disappear as if they never happened.

You rise from the ground, the plants that wrapped around you no more than blackened tendrils of what they used to be, crunching underfoot as you make your way towards the front of the shop. You could feel the energy thrumming through your veins, the wounds you had were gone, the exhaustion and fatigue washed away by the plants that gave what life they had to make you whole.

You'd only ever given life to things that needed you, you'd never once considered that you could take it away.

Darren is still standing in the street, looking proud of himself, but when he sees you reappear in the broken window his smile falters.

"Guess you can take a hit." Darren shrugs. "I'm a little impressed-"

"Our entire lives you’ve never appreciated me. All I did all was listen to you, do everything I could to love and support you. I did whatever you asked without question. I spent so much of my own money, sacrificing little things in my life, doing ridiculous jobs to make a little bit extra, because I thought I was helping you.”

“You did.” Darren sneers. “I never had to work-“

“I’m not finished.” You snap. “I have given so much of myself to you and all it did was enable you. Annie was right and our grandmother was right. You are a leech. All you do is take and take until there's nothing left, and you don't care who you hurt."

"Look who's finally seeing the bigger picture!"

"I am." Your heart was running a mile a minute and you could still feel the remnants of power from the plants thrumming in your veins. "You're a parasite and Ben was right, I was too stupid to see it, too conditioned to believe that you cared about me. But you don't, the only person you care about is yourself." Your voice trembles just a little bit as you say those words, but you knew it was true. "I'm sorry that you spent your entire life believing that our parents didn't love you, I'm sorry that I wasted so much of my own money and time taking care of you, and I'm sorry that after all this time there's still apart of me that wants to forgive you even though you don't deserve it."

"Oh no sissy did I hurt your feelings?" Darren puffs out his bottom lip in an exaggerated pout. "What are you gonna do? Throw a spinach puff at me?" He cackles. "You're so pathetic. You really think that Mr. American Dream and you can beat me? Please." Bluish white arcs of energy illuminate the air around him, catching in the long shadows, emanating out from his body. His skin has gone an even paler shade of white, his veins a dark blue beneath. "In Greek mythology Zeus is the king of the gods. And all the others bow to him." He raises a hand and the electricity dances across his palm. "Have you come to bow?"

“No, because you were wrong about one thing.” You feel your eyes shift to bright green with your words, the plants in the store behind you screaming for blood, writhing together in a tangled mass in the depths of the shop.

"And what’s that sissy?” Darren snorts.

“Ben didn’t kill Elijah. I did.” 

The building that housed "Please Don't Die" explodes behind you raining brick, mortar, and rubble on the street around where you stand. The creature that crawls forward on broken limbs and tangled roots from the remnants of the store is the size of a city bus. It looks like a large lizard, the claws easily the size of your forearm, it's head the size of a washing machine, and the body rippling with muscle woven from stems, leaves, and vines to claw it's way from the rubble on four legs.

Darren stares up at it in shock, confused at it's sudden appearance.

It opens it's mouth, revealing a mouth full of broken sticks fashioned into points, and lets loose a roar that shakes the parked cars that line the street. You could feel your body intertwined with it, the creature an extension of yourself, the rage, anger, and frustration you felt pouring through the veins of the behemoth that towered over the empty street.

This has never happened before, but it felt right. As if everything inside of you had been building from this, since the moment you used your power to kill Elijah your powers had felt different, amplified. And now standing in the street with the creature at your command it feels cosmically correct. There's a switch inside that flipped the right way and for the first time in your life, you feel powerful.

Darren tries to blast you backward again, but the lizard is faster than he expected it to be absorbing the bolt of electricity. It plows head first into Darren, knocking him back into the pavement. He lets out a yell of surprise, the sound of his head hitting the pavement echoing down the street.

You could feel your body thrumming with power, electrifying your veins, exploding from every nerve ending, and charging through skin and sinew to recreate you into something that you never knew existed and never knew you could be.

The creature's clawed hand is on Darren's chest, flattening him down into the street, and he struggles beneath it electricity crackling in the air. The lizard stares down at him with unblinking eyes, not reacting to the arcs of bluish-white light that pulse from Darren's hands.

It looks over it's massive shoulder at you, the plants that formed it’s body asking your permission, bending to your will, opening it's mouth to click in a broken language that only you understand. You can hear the little whispers of the leaves against your ears and feel the roots and vines that knotted together to form the behemoth that takes up most of the street.

"Sissy-" Darren begins to say, his eyes wide. You could see him mentally calculating his mistake, his misinterpretation of what you were capable of, and see him trying to switch tactics to save his own skin.

But you don’t want to hear any of it anymore. You didn't want to waste another second of your life listening to anything he said.

"I'm your brother." He wheezes the clawed hand heavy on his chest, pushing him down into the pavement. 

"I don’t have a brother." Your voice is cold and emotionless. "All you are is the asshole who killed my parents and used me in every way he could. And you're never going to use ever again.  Goodbye Darren."

"Wait-"

The creature's jaws fasten onto Darren's head and his last words are cut off in the rip of teeth and crunch of bone.

You stand there watching the lizard tear at his body, gazing at the bloody mangled mass that was your brother and your creation that crouches above him. Blood drips from it's bloody maw onto the pavement, staining the street red and it looks at you as if waiting for your next command, but you can't move.

"Petals?" You hear Ben say from somewhere to your left, but you don't acknowledge him. "Are you okay?"

The rush you felt from the plants is gone, the green fading from your eyes, and the sound of Darren's final gasp still vibrating against your ears. The energy is slowly ebbing from your body and you're scared by what's left behind, because that meant that everything was about to come crashing back down on you.

The creature turns and moves closer to you, pressing it's giant head against your torso as if trying to comfort you. And you raise a hand to rub the top of it’s head you can't stop staring at the body, not quite comprehending everything that has happened in the past fifteen minutes.

Darren killed my parents, he deserved this, he tried to kill me, he tried to-

There were tears in your eyes, bubbling over, as you exhale a gasp and a bone shaking sob. Everything was crashing down over you quickly and you sink to your knees.

The creature seems to follow you down, growing smaller and smaller until it's no more than the size of your hand, and clings to your jean's pocket.

Darren's body is unrecognizable, lying in pieces, and scattered over the street. People were running and screaming in terror, but you couldn't hear them. You knew that the police would be coming quickly and you didn’t know how the fuck you were going to explain any of this. Not the giant lizard, not the destruction of the building behind you, and especially not explain any of this to Jake who you hoped wasn't hurt or worse.

You feel Ben's hand come down on your shoulder. "Petals look at me, come on."

"He killed them." You murmur, the memories of your parents flashing through your mind, all of them happy and in love. "He killed them because he thought they loved me more. It's all my fault."  The memory of the nightmare grates across your skin sending a shudder through your body.

"Petals." Ben turns your face to look at him. His eyes are still filled with the force of his rage, but they are softer now, looking at you with an unreadable emotion that you'd only seen in the hospital when you woke up and Ben sat with you. His hand gently traces the curve of your cheek. "That was not your fault. Everything he did wasn't your fault. He was fucked in the head. He-"

"I can't do this." You swallow, pulling yourself from Ben and standing up on shaky legs.

"What?"

"I've got to get out of here." Your feet stumble slightly on the cracked pavement, and Ben catches your now unbroken arm to stabilize you, but also to stop you from leaving

"Let me make sure that you're okay first-"

"I'm not!" Your voice breaks. "None of what happened is okay. I'm not okay Ben I-" The sobs were coming closer together now, everything coming down hard and making it difficult to breathe. "I can't breathe. I-"

"Hey. Shhh-" Ben tries to step closer to you.

"No Ben." You shake your head, tugging your arm to tell him to let you go, but he doesn't. The tears fall faster, soaking through your bloody shirt.

Emotions were pummeling you, overwhelming you, and were making it difficult to speak and to think. The only thought you had was that you had to get the hell out of here, that you couldn't look at what used to be Darren anymore, and that you couldn't look at what used to be the shop you loved so much.

"Just wait a damn minute-" He says more forcefully, tightening his grip.

"No. Let me go."

"Petals-" He's saying it in the soft concerned way that he did whenever it was the two of you, but you couldn’t listen to it. All you could feel was the jumble of emotions in your head and the events of today beginning to press down over you. Darren's confessions and his death were crushing you into oblivion.

"Let me go Ben." You shout again, through a sob.

"I don't want to. Let me help damnit!"

"No, please." You shout, tears streaking down your face as he finally lets you go. "I need to be alone. I need to-" You gasp. "I need to go home."

The darkness was closing in quickly and you didn't know what to do. The tide was overwhelming, pulling you under with every passing second.

"Then let me take you home."

"No." You shake your head. "I have to go home." You say it again for him to understand what you mean. "I can't be here right now with this. With any of this I-"

"Please-" Ben's voice is thick and it's the first time you've ever heard him sound that way.

"No, I have to go."

And you run, leaving the body of your brother and everything you know behind, while Ben watches you go with a twinge in his own chest that he can't understand.

A/N: Lots happened in this chapter. I know the revelations and the twists were WILD. But it finally happened, Darren got what he deserved. I know we don't see too much of Ben and the reader, but in the next chapter things between them are about to become less blurry. And we get a re-appearance of Granny Di in the next chapter!

As always, thank you so much for reading! Reblogs, Comments, and Likes are not required, but are always appreciated. I love hearing what y'all think! If you'd like to be added to my taglist for this series please let me know! :)

Taglist:

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@criminalyetminimal @52ndstreeet @bitchykittenconnoisseur @anna6307 @libby99hb

@faephoria @possiblyafangirl @jqtaro @quietlybitchy @tinydancer40

@roger-that-cap @megara0224 @miskwaadesiwag @rainyeggvoidpurse

@soldiergrimes @tiffsbagels @podiumackles

@ifyouwerethemoon @ririshkin @peachhiz @fitxgrld @sukunassfinger

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@acciosherlockholmes @minas-fantasies @fireskyy

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@melonmochi

@kamisobsessed @whichwitchwanda @karolina-12110905 @jcollins03-blog

[rottenpumpkin13]

Now I wonder what Kunsel has on everyone in Shinra. How is he able to blackmail even the Turks? (and not get a bullet to the head for attempting to?)

Kunsel's Blackmail List

�� A video of Sephiroth pursuing a laser from a laser pointer, calmly but clearly intrigued.

• A photo of Zack playing online games on the computer in Lazard's office *note: he's wearing one of Lazard's suits.

• A video of Sephiroth putting sugar on his french fries in the mess hall and saying "Perhaps this will make me feel alive."

• A photo of Sephiroth and presumed-dead former Turk Vincent Valentine side by side, with a sticky note that just reads "hmm"

• A copy of Reno's special brownie recipe that he occasionally leaves in the Turks' break room. *note: it's weed.

• An audio of Genesis saying "Sometimes I feel like Loveless isn't that good."

• Evidence that Cloud Strife is a time traveler: Video of him "trying out" Angeal's Buster Sword. Cloud expertly slammed the sword onto a metal door and Angeal shrieked as if Cloud had harmed his first born child.

• A video of Zack arguing with a dog. The dog is seemingly winning the argument. One minute later Genesis also joins the argument.

• Evidence that Reeve and Cait Sith are the same person - an audio of Reeve going "Hojo can suggest turnin' injured soldiers intae guinea pigs an' the President's all for it, but if Ah were tae break Hojo's knees, Ah'd be in the wrong an' sent tae jail."

• Audio of a conversation between Sephiroth and Genesis where they discuss how to "hypothetically" fake their deaths and flee to a remote island away from civilization.

• Photos of Zack and Cloud that Angeal took. It's the classic prom pose. Zack has his arms around Cloud.

• A video of Angeal discreetly pouring alcohol into his morning coffee and going "don't worry, it's decaf"

• Security camera footage of Sephiroth taking an entire cake from the break room exactly one minute after it was placed there.

• Emails between Zack and Cloud where they're freaking out because Sephiroth still hasn't noticed that his sword is a replica, and they lost the real one.

• Evidence that Cloud Strife is a time traveler: The smoke detector went off in the lounge and Cloud immediately attacked Sephiroth.

• A receipt from Angeal where he purchased horse items: a saddle, reins, and feed. Curiously, Kunsel never found the horse.

• Security cam footage of Sephiroth walking, stopping in the middle of the hallway, shouting "FUCK!" and then proceeding as if nothing happened.

• Dashboard footage of Angeal teaching Zack how to drive, a chaotic twenty minutes of A: "YOU JUST RAN A RED LIGHT!" followed by Z: "I mean what's the difference between red and green, realistically?" and A: "PULL OVER YOU'RE COLOR BLIND"

• A video of Zack going into the men's bathroom empty-handed and then coming out with a popsicle.

• Evidence that Cloud Strife is a time traveler: video footage of Cloud showing up to Sephiroth's apartment unannounced with therapy pamphlets.

• Chat logs from the SOLDIER group chat the day they tried to hide evidence that they broke the training room from Lazard, with Sephiroth suggesting they all gaslight Lazard into believing the training room is fine and the fire has been there all along.

• Security camera footage of Zack dropping down from the vents, placing a photo of Cloud Strife on Sephiroth's office door, and then retreating back into the vents.

• A video of Zack walking into the break room, going over to the fridge, opening the door, and climbing inside. Motives unknown.

• Security camera footage of Sephiroth practicing his nunchucks maneuvers in an empty training room, accidentally hitting himself in the face, and then standing there as if he just got slapped by an invisible force.

• Evidence of a file on Angeal's computer labeled "things that make me happy." Kunsel expected pictures of his friends. Instead, there's just an image of the buster sword and a stock image of an air fryer.

• A photo of Genesis' drawer of theft™ in his office, which includes Zack's kazoo, Zack's harmonica, Zack's hand bell, Zack's rubber chicken, and Zack's autographed photo of Sephiroth.

• A selfie of Tseng with Rufus asleep at his desk in the background. Tseng is holding up a bottle of Nyquil.

• An email from Sephiroth to Hojo that he never sent. It describes in detail how he would love to use his face to sand concrete.

• A photo of Tseng and Rufus pushing Dark Star around in a baby stroller like they're parents.

• A family tree connecting the president, Lazard, Rufus, and Evan Townshend, with a sticky note that reads "introduce president Shinra to condoms"

• A poster on the back of Sephiroth's office door that's a giant picture of Angeal shirtless. When asked why he had it Sephiroth replied "I look at it whenever I need to find inner strength to continue with my day"

• A box of auburn hair dye found in Genesis' bathroom.

[steddie-island]

Mutually Beneficial

After seeing this art by @2jihiir0, inspiration struck and I wrote a thing. This isn't what I usually write, I hope I did your art justice and that you like it as much as Steve likes Eddie being a little mean. 😅 Words: 1,237 | Rating: E | Tags: Age gap (Older Eddie Munson, Younger Steve Harrington), Mean dom Eddie, Choking, Possessive Eddie Munson, Top Eddie Munson, Bottom Steve Harrington See ao3 for full list of tags

“Oh my god –”

It had started innocently enough, with Steve getting kicked out as soon as he’d graduated and with Eddie Munson, town outcast, advertising a room for rent and a kid who needed a sitter. Moving in would be mutually beneficial. 

"Eddie, please–”

The trailer was different from what Steve was used to. The water heater was always on the fritz, it leaked when it rained, and sometimes it smelled like weed and whiskey, but the rent was cheap, his bed was comfortable, and Eddie’s kid was an angel. The sweetest little girl with big brown eyes and a head full of curls that matched her daddy’s. Steve loved her, loved watching Eddie with her and seeing how his whole demeanor changed when she was awake. He was a Doberman and she was the person he would cut the world down at the knees for. He looked at her so fucking tenderly. 

Sometimes Steve caught Eddie looking at him like that, all soft and tender. When he was feeding Rhiannon, or when Eddie would come back from a business deal (Steve wasn’t stupid, he had his suspicions about what went on but he wouldn’t ask. He just knew Eddie left with an empty wallet and returned with a big wad of cash) to find the two of them reading on the couch together. 

Eddie’s eyes didn’t stay soft like that when it was just the two of them. When they were alone his gaze would go almost sharklike as he sat back against the couch and watched every move Steve made.

Steve would catch him, would flush hot from head to toe. And maybe someone else would’ve seen it as a red flag, as a caution sign, but Steve had never been very good at listening to the warning labels.

It came to a head one night while Steve was cleaning up the kitchen after Rhiannon had been put to bed. He didn’t have to catch Eddie to know those dark eyes were on him, he could feel it like a physical pressure between his shoulder blades. And then it wasn’t just those eyes he could feel. It was big hands on his slim hips, Eddie’s chest against his back.

“You’re a pretty thing when you get all pink and shy,” Eddie had murmured. He smelled like the whiskey he’d been sipping since before dinner. “I keep wondering how far down your blush goes…” 

Steve’s knees had nearly given out as Eddie’s fingers slipped under his t-shirt, then down beneath the waistband of his pajama bottoms. “I got a feeling it goes all… the way… down.” His hand, so rough and big and hot , wrapped around Steve’s dick, made him whimper with how tight his grip was.

A kiss was pressed to his throat while Eddie’s thumbnail caught at his slit, making his hips jerk. 

“Pretty thing, why don’t you let me find out for myself, hmm? You take care of me… and I’ll take care of you.” As if to prove his point, Eddie had hit his knees. He’d bent Steve over the counter, had licked him long and deep and made him come twice with his mouth and his fingers, all before Eddie’s dick was ever inside of him.

Really, how was Steve supposed to argue with that?

“Use your words, sweet boy,” Eddie murmured. He was sitting with his arms spread across the back of the couch. His pants were open, his tanktop rucked up to show off the tattoos over his stomach.

And Steve was fucking himself down onto that thick cock. 

“Please– oh god, please –”

“You said that already. Please what, baby?” Eddie threaded his fingers into Steve’s hair, tugged in a way that made Steve whimper and his dick twitch against his belly. “I told you we have to make it quick. Can’t make it quick if you don’t use your words and ask for what you need, huh?”

Steve bit down another sound as he tried to lean forward, to get his mouth on Eddie’s. “Touch me,” he begged. Just having Eddie inside of him wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough and Eddie knew that. “Don’t be mean–” “Angel, we both know you like it when I’m a little mean.” Eddie’s hand slipped down to Steve’s shoulder blade, to one of the deep bruises he’d left as he’d pounded Steve into the mattress the night before. “Don’t you?” “Ed–” Steve gasped as Eddie’s hand dropped down from his back and between his asscheeks. He was loose, open, had already taken Eddie twice that morning, too, and had the mess left in his underwear as proof. It was so easy for Eddie to shift just a little and have a finger sliding in right alongside his cock. “That what you wanted, pretty thing?” Eddie snapped his hips up once and Steve had to catch himself against Eddie’s chest. “God, look at you. So fucking greedy. So desperate for it, aren’t you?”

“Yes–” Steve was sobbing. He felt rattled, exposed, stretched so fucking wide in a way that only Eddie had ever done to him. “Please– more–” Eddie’s other hand was on his throat then, squeezing until Steve could barely get a sound out, until his eyes were rolling into the back of his head from how goddamn overwhelming this was. “I told you to be quiet, didn’t I?” Teeth dragged over Steve’s jaw, down below his ear. “It’s like you want the whole world to hear what I’m doin’ to you, like you want them to know how much you like being a slut for me, huh? How much you like being mine ?” Steve could only nod and rock that much harder. Too much, too fucking much and yet not enough to push him over the edge– Eddie slipped a second finger inside and drove up hard again, again, steady thrusts that hit his prostate and had sparks going off in Steve’s brain. He could only sit there and take it, take everything this beautiful monster of a man wanted to give him and then some.

“Are you gonna be quiet if I let go?” Eddie asked. “Are you gonna be my good boy?” Steve nodded. Eddie’s fingers loosened. And with a stifled, broken cry, Steve arched his back as his orgasm rushed through him so hard it almost fucking hurt. Eddie’s fingers were out of his body, a hand was in his hair to guide his face into Eddie’s neck. He smelled like sweat and whiskey, and being pressed there muffled the noises Steve made as Eddie fucked into him roughly again. 

Eddie barely made a sound as he spilled into Steve’s body for the third time. 

They sat there, letting sweat and tears and come dry on their skin, until Steve had stopped shaking and could formulate a full sentence. Eddie would kiss him, tell him how sweet he was before he found Steve’s underwear and track shorts where they’d been thrown aside. When Steve’s legs regained feeling he would get his clothes on. 

Eddie would tuck his cock away. 

And before Steve was allowed to settle back down with his legs in Eddie’s lap, two more tally marks would have to be added to their ongoing count. One, in pencil, to the wallpaper behind the couch. And one in permanent marker to the inside of Steve’s thigh.

A brand for the two of them– for Eddie – to see. 

[icyg4l]

Pick-A-Poet: How Can You Heal Your Ancestral Trauma?

Paid Readings

Hello people, thank you for your patience. In honor of Black History Month, I am dedicating a series to Black American icons. This post is dedicated to Black American poets. Below, there will be a quote that was chosen from one of their poems to go along with the reading. The deck that will be used in this series is the Hoodoo Tarot deck. Without further ado, please pick the poet that stands out to you.

***Disclaimer: Some topics may be triggering to whomever is viewing.

Left-to-Right (1-3): Maya Angelou, Countee Cullen, Reneé Watson.

“Love strikes away the chains of fear from our souls” - Maya Angelou, Touched by an Angel.

Cards Used: Three of Coins, Dr. Buzzard, Dem Bones (RX), Mother of Baskets, Ten of Coins, Strength.

Pile One: For those of you that resonated with the quote from Maya Angelou, I have a question for you. You do know that you don’t have to be anyone’s ride or die, right? You are loyal to a fault. But it’s literally within your bloodline to be that way. There could be someone in your family who was scapegoated, falsely accused of a crime or could have went to jail for something that was easily avoidable. I heard, “Make it right. Do what’s best for you.” You could be in the process of making a life changing decision right now but the air is foggy. It’s okay to be selfish, if it means you’ll be led down the right path. You don’t need to follow what everyone else is doing. Your ancestors want you to know that you don’t need to be so hard on yourself either. Compassionate TLC is what you need to give yourself. I keep seeing images of quick weave hairstyles in my head & my head got itchy while I was doing this reading. I think you need to take a break from these & let your scalp breathe. Let yourself breathe in general. For those of you that are darker skinned, there is a female ancestor (grandmother or aunt) that wants you to know it’s okay to experiment with your personal style. I’m channeling Doechii’s energy. You don’t seem to be conventional, they respect it. So don’t be scared to look different. People will always have something to say but your beauty is admired by all.

“Death cut the strings that gave me life, and handed me to sorrow” - Countee Cullen, Saturday’s Child.

Cards Used: Black Herman, Ace of Knives, Nine of Knives, Eight of Coins, Aunt Caroline, Daughter of Knives, Three of Knives, Six of Baskets.

Pile Two: You do know that you don’t have much to worry about, right? Throughout American history, we have seen the documented struggles of Black Americans. With each generation, the next would have one less thing to worry about. Your ancestors want to tell you that you are more privileged than you think you are. You tend to worry about things that are out of your control. I feel that a lot of you could have dealt with unexpected death a lot in the past couple of years, specifically dealing with the lungs/heart. Your ancestors could have a history of heart disease/lung disease. This could have been a family member that you drifted apart from & you feel guilty for it. But there’s nothing that you can do to change the past, my love! What you can do is take care of your physical body. Join the gym. Drink lemon water. Eat when you feel like it & don’t label any foods are ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I heard someone coughing; you should avoid smoking cigarettes & weed as well or really any substance intake. Eat bananas too! You can only control what goes on with I also feel that some of your ancestors could have been hypochondriacs, had OCD or suffered from religious delusions. I would considering talking to a therapist if you feel that you’re headed down that path. Make decisions that are beneficial to your freedom but remember to count your blessings.

“Our bodies, a mosaic of languages forgotten, of freedom songs and moaned prayers” - Black Girls Rising, Reneé Watson.

Cards Used: Big Mama, Miss Ida, Ace of Sticks, Mother of Sticks, Six of Knives and Three of Sticks.

Pile Three: You’ve been saying you’re going to move out of the city you’re in for too long. Get out and stop talking about your plans to relocate. Your ancestors don’t think that there is anything there for you anymore. Your family could have lived in this city for decades but it’s changed so much that you don’t even recognize it anymore. Some of you could be from the East Coast, specifically Philly or Baltimore. You need to get out before you talk yourself into circles again. Some of y’all could be in school about to finish up a degree; keep going. A grandmother spirit is so so so proud of you. Before you relocate, take some days off to visit so that you can see what this new city is like. Many of your ancestors were not able to make plans and go through with them because of unfortunate life situations. Teen/unexpected pregnancy, severe mental illness and/or murder could have been factors that prevented them from following their dreams. If teen pregnancy runs in the family, you should acknowledge this as a fear of yours so that you can make smart decisions in regard to sex rather than making costly choices. Also, practice safe sex with a partner that is equally as conscious as you. Your ancestors want you to know that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. You have bright ideas and you should share them with the world. Be confident in your spotlight. You deserve to take up space.

[chronicbitchsyndrome]

something to keep in mind while reading: i experience psychosis, i am professionally diagnosed with a variety of extremely stigmatized mental health diagnoses, and i identify strongly with the label "borderline."

sooner or later, the ~mental health awareness~ and ~neurodivergent awareness~ movements as a whole are going to have to reckon with the fact that mental health diagnoses are labels put on classifications of behavior patterns, and those behavior patterns can be actively harmful to other people. and what i mean by that is that classifying people's behavior is not identifying ontological attributes of people's personalities or biology; it's loosely grouping different behavior patterns into categories and slapping a label on them. there is no difference between "having borderline personality disorder" and "enacting a behavior associated with borderline personality disorder;" the only criteria for the diagnoses are that you enact some or all of the behaviors associated with the label.

the idea of "these stigmatized diagnoses do not make you a bad person" is objectively correct, in that the label "bad person" is inherently not useful and erases the material factors behind someone's behavior. however, framing mental health diagnoses as if they are some ontological attribute of the self divorced from behavior doesn't actually serve to "destigmatize" mental health as a whole.

people labeled as mentally ill are put in this catch-22 where we either admit that some of our maladaptive behaviors associated with diagnoses can be harmful to others (and thus are used as rhetorical supports for how mental illness labels are describing an ontologically bad and evil category of person), or we push the party line that "mental illness doesn't make you a bad person" and divorce any harmful behaviors entirely from the mental illness label of the person performing them (thus further stigmatizing those of us who have maladaptive and externally harmful behavior patterns associated with our diagnoses, as of course these can't be "because" of our mental illness--ignoring the fact that the mental illness label does not exist outside of our behavior to begin with).

it's a well-documented fact that the DSM buries the role of trauma and other material factors in shaping the behaviors it categorizes to begin with; the desire to divorce the label from any materially harmful behaviors it ascribes to itself is yet another case of ~mental health awareness~ pushing the responsibility of reshaping society and interacting with trauma onto the individuals suffering under these systems of oppression and systemically enabled trauma. in order to actually do the dirty work of addressing material harm, we need to get down into the weeds of why someone enacted that harmful behavior to begin with--what environment that maladaptive behavior arose from, and what material factors need to be addressed in order to solve that behavior and redirect it into healing and positive interactions.

like... that's the problem, at the end of the day. in order to address harm, you need to humanize and understand the person doing harm. shoving people off into more and more categories of "bad person" does nothing to actually, materially address the harm caused, and further enables more harm in the future. mental health labels, if used in a lateral and non-oppressive way, should be used as shorthand to refer to a category of behavior in order to more fully understand the material factors that go into shaping that behavior, in order to better promote healing and a functional community. there should not be a stigma around admitting that a label could describe someone who commits actions that are materially harmful, and that label is applied directly because of their behaviors--to say otherwise is just shifting who the group it's okay to oppress is, rather than trying to agitate for collective liberation.

(note: plenty of behaviors associated with mental health labels are not harmful to begin with. we could also do a lot better by examining how we conceive of "harm", because "someone existing with an emotion that makes you feel uncomfortable" or "someone doing something you think is weird" is not it. but that's not what this post is about, so i am choosing not to address it in-depth.)

[jqmalikhsgib]

bloom

one

not proof read

eddie and yn have known each other for a long time. when eddie first moved in with his uncle wayne, he was nothing but a scared kid who had been abused by his father and abandoned by his mother.

yn had known of the munson family. her father being the chief of police, she’s witnessed eric munson in the back of her fathers police car countless times. her father tried to keep her clear of criminals, but a lot of times he didn’t have a babysitter. she’d ride in the front seat of his vehicle and sometimes arrested scumbags like mister munson.

she’d seen eddie around, ultimately they weren’t in the same crowd though. yn had always been popular! all kids wanted to be friends with the chief of police daughter. she’s funny, kind, nice, and grew into a beautiful young woman.

yn seen eddie around with his short hair and battered up clothing. he was shy, stayed clear of large crowds. yn had no idea it was mostly due to being beaten down by his father, mentally and physically. once his dad was arrested for good, she’d notice a change in the boy.

eddie was louder, more vibrant, very confident. it was like he was a new person! he ended up growing his hair out, listening to loud music, and even formed a band in middle school! people already expecting him to become a two bit criminal like his father! but eddie had dreams! he was gonna get out of the shitty town of hawkins indiana and make something of himself.

yn liked that about eddie. it’s why they soon became friends right after! no one understood why someone as pretty and smart as yn could wanna hang out with someone as timid and dark as eddie, but they just made sense. soon enough, they fell in love! eddie didn’t get the courage to ask her out until his sophomore year of high school.

he tried to bury his feelings in cigarettes, weed, beer, music, and random one night stands, but in the end, he needed her more than ever.

it started off when she was asked out by none other than jason carver. yn saying yes, do to pure pressure from her friends—and the social norms of a cheerleader dating a jock—she didn’t want to though. always waiting for eddie to notice her! and he did.

eddie had been mean in the end. trying to push his best friend away, ignoring her, dodging her calls, getting wayne to cover for him. this only results in her feeling like she wasn’t enough and hating herself. wayne had been the one to talk some sense in him, shaking his head at the boy in the process, until he finally went to the hopper household and confessed his feelings for the girl of his dreams!

they dated soon after, eddie falling more and more in love with her. he still couldn’t believe he had the prettiest girl in hawkins high. she loved him back. eddie, the boy this shitty town already labeled a good for nothing trailer trash boy. yn saw more than that though. eddie was the perfect man in her eyes.

though, jim hopper heart broke when he found out his eldest child was dating—broke even more finding out eleven and mike were dating—his daughters were growing up and he didn’t like it. but he loved seeing the smiles on their faces.

eddie had been more experienced than yn. yn only ever going as far as kissing, eddie didn’t wanna rush into anything. when they finally did go further, eddie made sure to be gentle and care for her like she knew he would.

yn only fell harder for eddie. he made her feel like she’s the only girl in the world. it’s why when a few years go by and she’s holding a pregnancy test, she’s frightened that eddie would think less of her, would leave her, blame her. she doesn’t know who to turn to besides her father.

when she officially told her dad, he was ready to tear eddie munson a new one! he thought the worst from the way she was crying. but, when she stated he didn’t know yet, he calmed down, hugged his little girl, and told her everything would be fine.

finally telling eddie felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. eddie had been shocked, sure, but he told her he’d do whatever she’d want. rather that be adoption, abortion, or keeping their baby. he wasn’t gonna be a abusive asshole like his father!

yn ultimately decided to keep her baby. the pregnancy went smoothly. eddie stayed by her side every step of the way! and when they finally had their baby boy, they fell in love with him instantly. he’d been the cutest little bean they’d ever seen.

the couple still have yet to name their baby. they didn’t know what suited him. that is until wayne came in with aster flowers. yn knew then, her baby boy had the perfect name.

“what’s the little man’s name?”

eddie was gonna speak, letting wayne know they have yet to name their baby. yn beats him to it though.

“aster! aster wayne munson.”

eddie smiles lovingly at yn. he kisses the top of her head before caressing his sons cheek.

a few months go by of aster being born. he’d been the perfect little boy! though it had been an adjustment for the family! caring for a new born wasn’t easy.

yn and eddie knew they had many people around them happy to help. wayne loved having his grandson around.

school had been different for the couple. first, eddie had been a second year repeater for his senior year! being busy with yn pregnancy last school year, he’d barely showed up to class, working two jobs to make ends meet so the couple could afford everything they needed for the arrival of their baby.

going back to school had been hard for the couple. they didn’t like leaving aster. eddie being a little bit more level headed practically had to pry their son out of yn arms—though if you ask wayne or jim, they’d say they had to force them both to go to school—

eddie and yn still had their after school activities to attend to. yn being cheer captain and eddie with hellfire, it was a struggle, but the couple managed. that is until deja vu just so happened to hit yn right in the chest.

this time eddie right beside her as she waited patiently for the results of the pregnancy test. here she was once again, pregnant with another child. eddie sighed and told her everything was gonna be alright.

time went by. the couple worked hard, especially eddie, and graduated high school! yn ends up having a healthy baby girl!

“what should we name her?”

yn smiles. “wanna keep the flower theme going?”

eddie smiles back at his girlfriend. “if that’s what you want honey, im on board.”

“jasmine hope munson.”

the year 2020 had brought the world to a complete pause. the covid outbreak had caused so many people to go in a panic. yn and eddie were a bit relieved though,

not because of the pandemic, but because of the stress of them working about five jobs put together! yn occasionally worked at the police station, helping file paper work. she’d also worked at the local grocery store downtown.

eddie worked at the plant monday and fridays, he worked at the auto repair shop sunday, tuesdays, and wednesdays, and on thursdays he worked with the band—them getting noticed more and more on social media, they had to be more serious about everything—

with the world going on pause, they had more of a break than anything. they were happy to spend time with their babies. yn hated not being home with the little ones! it made her feel like a bad mom.

eddie constantly reassuring her, she’s the best mom he’d ever known!

as time went by, yn and eddie got to know their babies better. they loved them to death but truth, they’re babies! they cry, poop, babble, and get into things they shouldn’t. you had to keep a close eye on them at all times. it’s pretty tiring.

it’s why, wayne and jim offered to take the kids off their hands twice a week so they could get alone time. and that only resulted in one way, them lying naked in each others arms after screwing on every surface of their home.

it’s why they weren’t surprised when yn held another pregnancy test in her hand.

and on january twenty-fourth, 2021, yn gave birth to their second baby girl. lunaria morgan munson.

corroded coffin became one of the most popular social media platforms of all time! they’ve been noticed by many talented artist over the years, but when metallica themselves noticed the band and commented on their official instagram account, they’ve become even bigger!

everyone wanted to see more of corroded coffin! eddie, jeff, gareth, and doug worked even harder on the band. they continue writing music, posting all over social media, going to gigs, they were making a name for themselves!

eventually they’ve got noticed by many companies who wanted to officially sign the band. they discussed who they’d think would be more fit for their success, but when ozzy osbourne dm’d them himself and wanted to sign them, they couldn’t pass that down!

that’s how corroded coffin went from a dream to reality. yn had been so excited for eddie! so much so they celebrated time and time again. eddie took her out on many dates. and when march hit, yn found herself in familiar territory.

they’d just had luna! how the hell did she end up pregnant again?! eddie stood by her side through and through. he’d even let her know, his family mattered more than a band! but yn told him to continue living his dream, she’d be with him every step of the way while he gets booked for gigs and continue to work on their first official album.

soon enough yn gives birth to another baby girl, all in the same year she gave birth to luna. christmas night, lily belle munson was born!

while eddie had become a real like rockstar, yn had become a social media mogul. everyone loved her sense of style and how she balanced being a mom to four kids all while being a supportive girlfriend to eddie.

she’d become an inspiration to all young moms. she’s shown that women could have it all! be a good mother, a supportive partner, and work their asses off. with corroded coffin making a name for themselves, yn had become somewhat famous too.

people emailed her, wanting to sign her and get her into the modeling business. it took a lot before she agreed to officially sign onto an agency! eddie was proud of her. she was making a name for herself just as much as he did. he knew she was hesitant due to wanting to be at home with the kids more. with eddie traveling here and there, making more and more money, yn finally had the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. she felt like one of them could tend to the kids while the other goes and lives it big!

but eddie let her know she could still be at home with their children and live a dream she so desperately wants.

after signing with a modeling agency she’d post a lot more on social media, all while being home with her kids! over the next few months though, yn finds out she’s pregnant once again!

with eddie being booked, she was alone during this pregnancy. it’s why it was the worst one for her, mentally speaking.

eddie tried his hardest to be there. hearing from wayne and jim—and occasionally el—telling him to get his ass back home, he felt like a shitty father and partner.

it’s why he took a little break, heading home, and taking care of his girlfriend and his babies. yn told him she’d be alright. let him know she didn’t wanna be the one to get in the way of his dreams.

he shut her down immediately! telling her their wouldn’t be a dream without her and their kids by his side.

when they find out they’re having twins, they decided no more babies after this! eddie agreed to get a vasectomy.

when yn gives birth to their twins—which they named poppy matilda munson and azalea love munson—on valentines day eddie thought it was the perfect time to pop the question!

yn immediately said yes! she’d marry eddie at that very moment if she could have.

yn and eddie felt complete now! with their six beautiful kids, each other, and their life, they were an amazing family!

a/n

im gonna like working on this story!

next part will be set right after the twins were born!

wanna be added to bloom taglist, let me know!

taglist:

n/a

[stxrslut]

STXRSLUT RULES AND BOUNDARIES ୨୧

following these is basic respect, failure to follow them could result in you being blocked

DNI if you are : a minor, racist, sexist, pro life (anti abortion), transphobic, trump supporter, homophobic, intending to spread hate

requesting rules

do not send requests that do not conform to my boundaries.

do not spam requests, unless tumblr has told you there was an error, it has probably delivered. If you’re under you can ask, but spamming is not the way to do that.

do not pressure me to answer your requests, I do this for fun and I am not mandated to write anything, I will write what inspires me.

sending overly long requests that do not leave me room to add anything will likely mean I don’t write anything on it. I love to hear these ideas and I’m happy to receive them, but if I can’t add anything I won’t be trying to.

do not send extremely vague requests ie “character x reader on a date” this quite literally doesn’t give me any specification to what you want and I won’t be able to do your request any justice.

what will I write?

yes ; I absolutely will write this

dry humping. daddy kink. oral. fluff. use of weed. alcohol consumption. spanking. exhibitionism. au’s (with credit to whoever created them). dacryphilia. stepcest (step siblings). roleplay. unprotected sex. breeding kink. breath play. size kink. sub!reader. subspace. corruption. body worship. + much more, if you are unsure feel free to ask

maybe ; I might write this depending on context

vomit kink. gun kink. piss kink. breath play. fear play. knife play. slapping. vague mention of abuse. use of cocaine. boot humping. mommy kink. stepcest (step parent). age difference. pain kink. intox. bondage. road head. animal readers (with credit to whoever created them). + much more, if you are unsure feel free to ask

no ; I will not write this under any circumstances

paternal abuse. pedophilia. characters under 18 (reserving flashbacks and main characters children). scat. + possibly more, if you are unsure feel free to ask

— if you are unsure about wehter I will write something, feel free to ask!!!!!

boundaries

I am always open to chatting! I love talking and having conversations even about little insignificant things! never be afraid to have a chat with me!

I am not opposed to being sent porn links as long as they are not used in way to come onto me. also I will generally only open twitter links, so keep this in mind when sending one.

I happily accept emoji anons! just ask and I will add you to a list

I do not condone hateful speech, if you wish to spread hatred my blog is not the space to do it and you will be blocked

I am not responsible for your media consumption, all of my fics are adequately labelled, if one of them makes you feel uncomfortable it is your own fault for going ahead and reading despite warnings

I do not want my work or concepts copied into ai, doing it would be going against my direct wishes and possibly contributing to ai stealing work from writers

I do not have any issues with others writing my au’s or taking inspiration from my writing as long as clear credit is given showing that the ideas are originally mine!

I reserve the right to update these boundaries whenever I feel it is necessary, if something makes me uncomfortable I will be putting myself first

thank you for taking the time to read these boundaries! I hope you enjoy your time on my blog!

[squishsquishy]

⸝⸝ ‧₊° ⋅ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ ♡ ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖⸝⸝ ‧₊° ⋅

˗ˏˋ ꒰ Jelly ꒱ ˎˊ˗

「 they/he 」「 24 y/o 」「Fluid TME Bi Lesbigay Sapphillean Polyam」「 Mexican (white passing) 」 ⌞audhd+disabled⌝ ⌞ENG⌝

DNI and About me on Carrd

˗ˏˋ ꒰ Main: @jellymosasaur ꒱ ˎˊ˗

˗ˏˋ ꒰ Side: @pokesanriostims Pokémon and Sanrio Stimblog ꒱ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ꒰ Stim Archive: @sensoryarchive ꒱ ˎˊ˗

˗ˏˋ ꒰ My art: @jellydrawing ꒱ ˎˊ˗

˗ˏˋ Stim Requests are Open! ˎˊ˗

˗ˏˋQueue (#Offline): 2 posts daily, on shuffle ˎˊ˗

Disclaimer: there is weed and cuss words on this blog, blacklist #cuss words or #weed if you need to. Please block my main if you don’t want interactions. Blacklist #rant if you don’t want to see my vents.

quick dni: no proship, don’t reblog my content to kink blogs, no exclusionists

˖⁺‧₊˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚₊‧⁺˖

Dia de los Muertos is not “Mexican Halloween”, it’s marketed this way in many chain stores in the U.S. however the only similarity is that it’s a few days apart. (Halloween 10/31 and Dia de los Muertos 11/2) Dia de los Muertos is a time to celebrate those who came before you, those that are no longer with us. We honor them and make sure they are safe in the after life, have energy and know they’re loved. Always. (Dia de los Muertos education) (Halloween history)

I’ve had to relearn Spanish so my Spanish is like kindergarten Spanish. I want to relearn it for my kids so I’m doing my best to build it back up, however I haven’t really worked on much reading or writing

Tags: #my gifs #my stimboards #fam rq 🩷 stim inspo post #squish420

Archived Stim Gifs: #deleted #classic @sensoryarchive

Quick messages:

>> I don’t make gifs of animal breeders or animals that should not be kept as pets in houses. If I reblog this content tell me. I do my best to check.

>> Don’t use my content if you don’t credit me.

DNI (Do Not Interact)

Don’t use my gifs if you’re not going to credit them.

Homophobic, Transphobic, Queerphobic, Antisemitic, Racist, Xenophobic

abdl, ddlg,cgl, any “age play”

Tcc/true crime fan

Pedos, Anti-Anti, Proship (shipping pedo ships or incest ships)

Exclusionist: Aphobic, Anti-Mogai, Anti-Mspec Gays or Lesbians, Transmed, Terf, Swerf, Biphobic, “drop the t” or “drop the b” (in lgbtqia), if you’re someone who is blatantly disrespectful and ignoring intersex people, ignorant or bigoted toward polyamorous people.

if you tell other people what their labels should be. if you tell trans people they HAVE to be pansexual. If you tell cis people in relationships with trans people they HAVE to be pansexual. This is one example, but don’t interact if you tell others what you think they should identify as or who you think they need to be with.

Don’t interact with me if you hate kids. Doesn’t mean you have to love them or want to have them just don’t be a dickhole to kids.

if you’re a trump supporter or supporter of any type of dictatorship which he preaches. A supporter of anything he stands for or has been convicted of.

Request Rules

If you don’t want something tagged as kin/me please add that in the stimboard request.

If you have triggers or don’t want something on the stimboard please let me know and I’ll avoid them for you.

Feel free to ask for tw if something is improperly tagged or I don’t currently tag that tw.

Please add pictures of the flags (for pride boards) and/or characters so I use the right ones. (This is not always needed, don’t worry if you forget)

If I don’t feel comfortable with a request I won’t do it, I will answer your ask privately if it’s not anon. This is not about regression it’s about people or content I just don’t like and it’s cool for me to just say no sometimes.

Blacklist: swarms (of bugs, just a few is okay but not a swarm) and waterparks also goats. I’m super allergic to goats.

For whitelist, go to my about for my faves

I tag meats, but i sometimes don’t know there’s pork in a dish im reblogging so message me if you need a post to be tagged as pork.

[jetwhenitsmidnight]

Skater Boy by Anthony Nerada

Source: Audiobook ARC from NetGalley

Release date: 6 February

Genre: young adult contemporary romance

If you like: queer coming of age, explorations of toxic masculinity, pop-punk, flawed protagonists trying to be better, Sk8ter Boy by Avril Lavigne but gay

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/5

Synopsis

Stonebridge High’s resident bad boy, Wesley “Big Mac” Mackenzie, is failing senior year—thanks to his unchecked anger, rowdy friends, and a tendency to ditch his homework for skateboarding and a secret photography obsession. So when his mom drags him to a production of The Nutcracker, Wes isn’t interested at all . . . until he sees Tristan Monroe. Mr. Nutcracker himself.

Wes knows he shouldn’t like Tristan; after all, he’s a ballet dancer, and Wes is as closeted as they come. But when they start spending time together, Wes can’t seem to get Tristan out of his head. Driven by a new sense of purpose, Wes begins to think that—despite every authority figure telling him otherwise—maybe he can change for the better and graduate on time.

As a falling out with his friends becomes inevitable, Wes realizes that being himself means taking a stand—and blowing up the bad-boy reputation he never wanted in the first place.

Content warnings

Explicit language

Bullying

Alcoholism

Underage drinking

Racism (as experienced by a Black love interest)

Past domestic abuse

Childhood trauma

Smoking (cigarettes + weed)

Homophobia

Physical violence

Review

Why'd Wes have to go and make things so complicated 😔🤘

I hadn't expected to, but I found myself relating to Wes quite a bit. His experience of being labelled as a bad kid, and then only being seen as such without being given the chance to break that expectation, as well as his feelings of anger and fear and powerlessness, that no one wants to listen to him, that he can't open up to people, that he's inferior and will never amount to anything, took me right back to primary and secondary school lmao. (I'm so glad I'm not a teenager anymore.)

I also empathise with how awkward Wes feels around Tristan, or when he's trying to talk to people who aren't his friends; not knowing the right thing to say, or when he says something that comes off as angrier or meaner than he intends—that's literally me, baby!

A part I don't relate to is the bullying. Wes is like, a legit bully, like pushing kids into the lockers like in american high school movies kind of bully. While he's not the main aggressor among his friends, it still kind of hurt to read about how he hurt people in the past. I liked how his character arc developed, with him facing up to his actions and apologising to his victims, although I do think he was forgiven pretty easily; I personally would have held a grudge until I died, but good for them!

At the start of the book I was worried that this would be a whole "find a bf and magically all your problems are fixed!" kind of story, but while Tristan is definitely a motivating factor for Wes to improve himself, I really appreciate that Wes was the one who decided to take initiative and begin the first steps to becoming better.

There's layers of complexity to Wes and Tristan's relationship, because (a) Tristan is Black, and so deals with racism that Wes could never understand, (b) Tristan is out and Wes is not, (c) Tristan is a perfectionist and has a goal and life plans, while Wes is flunking high school with no plans to apply for college, (d) Wes had an abusive childhood, and Tristan has loving supportive parents, and (e) Wes is poor and Tristan is wealthy.

These are a lot of issues to handle in one book, and while I feel like the author does a good job discussing and resolving most of these elements, there's one point that I feel didn't get fully resolved, and that's the wealth disparity between them. Wes is super aware of this, he constantly notices the differences between the way they live, which makes him feel self-conscious around Tristan.

Spoiler warning, but at one point Tristan dresses Wes up in like a pricey cardigan and a polo shirt to meet his parents, and later Wes is furious and leaves early because he feels out of place and insecure, and that Tristan is trying to change who he is. Later, they talk and Wes comes to the conclusion that he was over-reacting, which, yeah, he was. But Tristan never apologises and is like "you know I would never have made you change your clothes if I knew it would make you feel bad!" He also makes fun of one of Wes's friends, and Wes wonders if part of the reason why he doesn't want to introduce Tristan to his friends was because he felt embarrassed.

I feel like this is a pretty big deal, and an obvious source of tension, that doesn't seem to get fully resolved. Most of Wes and Tristan's discussions about their relationship revolve around Wes apologising, but Tristan, even though he never does so intentionally, never apologises for making Wes feel inferior in this aspect.

I also feel that Tristan was kind of one-dimensional. From Wes's perspective, Tristan is perfect and flawless, and he puts him on a pedestal, while Wes is the one messing up. Tristan's only flaw, as far is I can tell, is that he struggles with anxiety, but he never seems to show it to Wes, for all that he encourages Wes to be emotionally vulnerable with him. I would have liked it if Tristan messed-up, or needed Wes to support him or comfort him in some way (Wes does support him, at near the ending, but that doesn't really count), to balance out their relationship a bit, instead of always having Tristan encouraging him, and having Wes mess up and make up for it.

The climax of this book gets really chaotic, huge shit goes down, like life-ruining shit. He manages to work it all out in the end, but I feel that it came way too easily, especially the problems he had with his friends. I feel like it got dismissed as some sort of misunderstanding, like Wes was the one making a big deal out of nothing. Afterwards, he and his friends talk it out very maturely, but where was all that maturity when shit was going down!!

I realise that a lot of my review sounds like I'm complaining, but this is really worth a read! The way this book discusses toxic masculinity, emotional vulnerability, dealing with trauma (because Wes is very clearly traumatised) is so well-done, and you can tell from the author's note that he put a lot of love and thought into this book. I would discuss this more but this review would get very spoilery.

To finish off this review, here are some nitpicks! These are minor details and do not affect the overall story! Some of these are purely personal issues I have that may not apply to other people!

Wes is stated to be a punk, and a lot of this book (the title, the chapter titles, the marketing) is about pop-punk, or scene music in general. But Wes doesn't seem to listen to pop-punk? The only band he mentions listening to is Metallica, which, last I checked, is a metal band. He wears a Linkin Park t-shirt once (huge slay) and mentions the My Chemical Romance reunion (double slay), but that's about it. He seems to be more of a metalhead tbh, which there's nothing wrong with, but I was hoping for more pop-punk references. (This sounds greedy, since almost every chapter title is a pop-punk reference, and I did appreciate that, but I wanted more!!)

I didn't vibe with the audiobook narrator. I'm kind of (very) picky about audiobooks, so the fact that I didn't dnf shows that he did a decent job at least, but I feel like he missed the mark on narrating the dialogue. Sometimes I couldn't tell the difference between Wes's internal narration and when he was actually speaking which was confusing, and the narrator also read everything in this sad, hesitant sort of voice, which works for the overall vibe of the story, but makes the happy, lighthearted moments in the book feel sad as well.

Minor spoiler, Wes's mom got him and his friends tickets to see Metallica, but later they start growing apart and the concert is never mentioned again (unless I somehow missed it?), so its unclear if they did go to the Metallica concert. I need to know if they went, because if they skipped out on it due to their beef, I will be very sad on their behalf.

[rollercoasterwords]

do you think it’s possible to experience some level of gender dysphoria without being nonbinary or trans? it’s weird but i always feel like i exist within the space between being a girl and nonbinary.

feel like there's a lot 2 unpack here but. short answer yeah long answer i don't think it's useful 2 thing of gender in terms of some strict divide between cis&trans as like. ontologically discrete categories of being so much as social labels that signify general groupings of experience & how an individual relates to & moves through the world. like the division between "cis" & "trans" is primarily useful, imo, for discussing broader systems of power at play & the forms of privilege different people might have access to, but a "cis" person's gender is just as socially constructed & contingent as a trans person's bc nobody is born w some internal physical kernel of gender identity that just magically manifests as they grow older (imo).

so w that in mind, if we're defining "gender dysphoria" here as any kind of discomfort w an assigned gender, then i don't see why people who would otherwise label themselves as "cis" couldn't experience some level of gender dysphoria. many cis people are uncomfortable w the various trappings of gender & navigate that discomfort in different ways--some might end up identifying as trans, some might identify as cis but gender non-conforming, some might just keep id'ing as cis...bc again, there is not like. this stark, inherent divide between trans & cis experiences; there can be overlap & crossover, etc. what an individual chooses to label themself really just comes down to how they personally end up navigating their gender, and there's no right or wrong way to go abt that. i guess the flipside of this question is that someone could say any amount of gender dysphoria means a person is trans (w trans here as a broad umbrella category signifying someone who doesn't fit neatly into their agab), which...i mean, sure, but again, i think plenty of people who would otherwise be considered "cis" aren't just magically embodying their agab either, so ig i don't really see the use in quibbling over who can or cannot experience gender dysphoria, or like...what "counts" as gender dysphoria. i think it makes more sense 2 just acknowledge that all gender is constructed & let each individual evaluate their own experiences in deciding how they wanna label themselves.

that being said, if ur asking this question bc ur agonizing over whether 2 label urself cis or nb bc u feel like u aren't like..."trans" enough. my advice is 2 just say who cares & use whatever label best fits ur experience. or just don't use a label at all! there isn't some standard or checklist u have 2 meet 2 label ur gender a certain way, y'know? and ur experience of gender might change throughout the course of ur life anyway, bc again, it's not like...a fixed kernel of truth u can unearth from ur psyche like buried treasure. also, u might find marquis bey's cistem failure a helpful read; they get into the weeds on this much better than i can in a single answer on tumblr.com lol

[flameswallower]

Another reason is that art that depicts these things-- sometimes even art that depicts these things in weird, questionable, problematic ways-- can be how a person figures out that they were raped or abused (or maybe just subjected to a really messed up environment), and starts to make sense of it, or how a person realizes that they are far from alone in having had an experience, that it is possible to incorporate it into a narrative, and that they are/should be Allowed To Talk About It, including its most uncomfortable, unsavory, and thorny elements.

A third reason-- speaking of thorny elements, and speaking of glorifying/promoting/etc.-- is that it's really, really common for people who have had abusive sexual experiences to go through a period where they eroticize those experiences, or some imaginary variation on those experiences. (It is, of course, also really, really common for people who have had abusive sexual experiences to be extremely triggered and upset by seeing or hearing about anything that resembles the experiences or reminds them of the experiences-- I would hope we can all understand and respect both responses.)

I definitely think there are inappropriate times/places/ways to express this stuff, and I definitely find it alarming and uncomfortable when I'm reading something I would consider a rape kink story and I get the vibe that the author...doesn't really understand that they are describing a rape at all, or may earnestly believe that "getting raped until you enjoy it" is a thing that happens/can happen in real life...but I also think there's a place in the world for the rape kink story (clearly labeled as such, shared among people who want to see it, not super easy to bumble into as a random person who emphatically doesn't want to see it, not pulling double duty as some kind of actual pro-rape-in-real-life manifesto). Shaming, harassing, and/or monsterizing people who have this trauma response is not going to make it go away (telling them it means they will become rapists or are actually pro-rape is both cruel and likely to exacerbate typical rape survivor feelings of isolation, alienation, being "soiled"/"ruined", being forbidden from expressing feelings about what happened or saying what happened at all, &c). Ditto, interrogating everyone who writes this kind of fiction to make sure they are the acceptable kind of rape kink writer (traumatized) just results in a situation where people feel pressured to disclose some of the worst shit that ever happened to them in order to avoid online harassment. I should think it's pretty obvious why that's not a good situation! (It also won't weed out people who are actually dangerous or bad actors.)

This final part, obviously, is speaking much more to fan fiction and related genres of online writing + attendant subcultures than it is to "literature" and whether certain books should be allowed in the public library, which is more what the first post and the first part of this post were addressing. But there's enough conceptual overlap that it doesn't feel inappropriate or like a huge stretch to bring it in.

[maybeimamuppet]

picking teams- chapter 10: cady

helloooo everyone happy wednesday!! if you follow me here welcome to the doodlebops chapter! and if you don’t then you get to find out what that means for yourself :) 

tw for 

mentioned drugging 

sexuality crisis 

mentioned outing 

drug use (just weed)

alcohol

very very mild slut shaming 

mentioned broken bones 

enjoy!!

—————

Sleep doesn’t come to Cady easily that night. 

She lies awake for hours, tossing and turning so much her muscles start to ache, and staring at the tiny pumpkin on her nightstand. 

Janis. Janis, Janis, Janis. 

Cady knows herself well enough by now to know something weird happens inside her whenever Janis is around. She just doesn’t know what it is. 

Janis is unlike anyone Cady’s met before. She seems so closed off when you first meet her, so cold, so timid. But even after just a few conversations, Cady has been allowed to peek  into the most fantastic world that is Janis Sarkisian.

Janis is loud. Not externally, or vocally. But inside. There’s a roaring passion behind everything Janis does that feels like magic to witness. Her football, her art, the way she talks to people. All of it is loud and beautiful. 

And Janis is kind. The tutoring sessions are exclusively for her benefit, but she was so quick to drop one to rescue Cady from her little cave of sadness and turn her entire outlook upside down. Like it was nothing. She didn’t mention buying Cady dinner and yummy snacks and her first ever pumpkin. 

She didn’t judge Cady’s artistic skills, or more accurately, her lack of artistic skills. She listened when Cady told her about her brother. She doesn’t ever tell Cady to stop talking about Regina, even after all their history together.

Cady’s learning and starting to understand how Janis shows she cares about people. And by the sounds of things, she cares about Cady quite a bit. 

Cady realizes after a few hours that trying to fall asleep is getting her nowhere. Her mind is just running circles around itself, making her dizzy but still not tiring itself out. 

So Cady hauls herself out of bed and over to her desk to grab a notebook and a pen. Making lists always helps her fall asleep. It lets her get her thoughts out in an objective way, and she can process whatever’s on her mind on paper instead of giving in to the roar of her thoughts. 

She’s not entirely sure what kind of list she’s going to make this time, but she just lets her hand do what it will and her brain follow along behind it. She flips to a blank page in the notebook and divides it into four sections. She labels one column ‘Janis’ and the other ‘Aaron’. One row ‘pros’ and one row ‘cons’. 

And before she knows it, her hand is flying across the page, listing everything she can possibly think of, every tiny thing that comes to mind. She watches the page slowly fill with ink as she writes and writes and writes until the tiny little muscles in her hand start to ache and the words start to bleed together both on the page and in her mind. 

It’s a mess, but so is she. 

She clicks her pen closed so it doesn’t leak into her sheets and blinks blearily at the page to see what she’s done. 

She reads through each box. Smiles as she reads over all the pros of Janis. Pros for what? What am I doing? 

She pores over it for a long time, trying to make some sense of all of this. It doesn’t work. 

Janis’ pros include things such as; quick learner, interested in my stories, caring, funny, passionate, creative, athletic, artistic, talented, cares about her family, strong, physically strong, great friend, beautiful eyes, amazing smile, beautiful hair, cool scary clothes. 

Aaron’s include… swoopy hair. Shiny eyes. Can do math. 

His cons, on the other hand. Taken. Taken by Regina. Willingly dated Regina George more than once. Not really all that good at math. 

And Janis’? Is a girl. That’s it. 

Cady feels her brow furrow as she squints at the page, before they shoot up her forehead as it all comes together. 

“Oh my god, I’m in love with Janis.” 

—————

She’s a bit dizzy over the next couple of days. The realization that she likes a girl at all, especially one she’s so close to, has rocked her entire perception of herself. 

Sunday passes in a fog, and she only really snaps out of it on Monday morning. “Cady!”

“Huh?” Cady says dazedly. “Oh, hey, Karen. How was your weekend?” 

“Good!” Karen chirps sunnily. “Here.”

“What’s this?” Cady asks as she takes the violently orange piece of paper. It says ‘Haloween Partee’ across the top in a spooky font and is entirely covered with little pumpkins and skulls and candies. “Halloween party?”

“It’s only the best day of the year, duh!” Karen says. “It’s at my house on Saturday. And you’d better wear a costume.”

“Cool,” Cady says, folding the paper up and skipping it into the side pocket of her backpack. “I’ll ask my parents.” 

She knows she’ll have to be there anyway. Something tells her this is really important to Karen, and that missing out on what’s clearly one of the biggest parties of the year wouldn’t go over very well in terms of her standing at school. She’ll come up with something to tell her parents. 

“Do I need to bring anything?” she asks. 

“Pfft, no!” Karen titters, adjusting her impossibly short skirt. “Just yourself and your costume. Pumpkin emoji.” 

“Okay! Thanks,” Cady says. She startles violently when the bell rings. “Oh, I gotta go! See you at lunch!” 

Karen looks confused by her haste to get to class on time. None of the Plastics (except Gretchen, maybe) are particularly worried about things like deadlines or schedules. 

Cady’s just desperate for something new to focus on.

—-

Her brilliant plan of using school to distract herself doesn’t… totally work. She spends most of English staring blankly out the window and totally misses the group discussion on Crime and Punishment. Janis has been helping her with it. Cady still doesn’t understand the book. Maybe that’s because Janis has been helping her. With her pretty eyes and her hair and her smell… good god, Cady.

Chemistry doesn’t go much better. Janis looks so cute with her goggles perched on her head. How did Cady never notice this before? Aaron. Right. 

A part of her feels guilty, almost. Aaron is still a good friend. She still… might like him. Or did she really like him in the first place? 

Her mind flashes back to the list she made that night. Practically all of Aaron’s good qualities were physical. Things about his body, his face. He does have that swoopy hair. Aaron is undeniably attractive. 

Janis’ list has a lot of physical qualities too, but more to do with her personality. She’s easy to be with, in spite of their circumstances being… less than ideal, to say the least. But is it really love? Really even a crush? 

She sneaks a glance across the classroom again. Janis is laughing at something her lab partner has said. She looks like an adorable little bug with the goggles over her eyes. 

Cady feels a stab of jealousy hit her completely out of nowhere. Someone else made her laugh. 

At the very least, she knows that’s not a platonic way to feel. It’s definitely a crush. 

Janis must feel Cady staring, because she suddenly looks back and meets her eyes. She gives her a little smile and a wink. Cady’s knees almost give out. Okay, yeah, I might be in love. 

“Cady,” a voice says. Cady doesn’t totally clock it. “Cady, you’re on fire.” 

“What?” Cady replies. She looks down, and sure enough, the hem of her shirt is aflame. “Oh, shit!” 

She frantically pats herself out and takes a deep breath. Her lab partner raises an eyebrow. “You good?”

“Yeah, sorry. Distracted today,” she replies. “Just a bit singed.”

Her partner just nods and returns to the observation worksheet they’re meant to be filling out. Cady has some observations, alright. 

—-

“Caddy!” a voice calls as she’s leaving class. Cady turns and is surprised to see Janis. They usually avoid talking to each other in public lest Regina or one of her cronies see. “Hey, are you okay? I saw you, um…”

“Caught fire?” Cady giggles. Janis nods. “I’m fine. I just-”

Regina suddenly turns the corner into the hallway they’re in. Cady’s heart leaps into her throat. 

“Gotta go, bye.” 

Janis gets a hurt look on her face that makes Cady’s heart squeeze before she clocks the blonde coming down the hallway and rushes off in the other direction. 

Cady watches her go for a second before she runs off to her next class. She cringes when she remembers she has calculus next and has to spend a whole forty-five minutes sitting directly behind Aaron Samuels. 

She feels her phone buzz in her pocket just as she slides into her seat. She has a little tiny bit of time before class begins, so she pulls it out to check what it is. 

She smiles when she sees a text from Janis. 

janiss: are u sure ur ok ?? 

caddy: Yeah I’m fine

caddy: I’m just distracted today

janiss: what could possibly distract u enough that u didn’t notice u were on fire 

Well, shit. Cady has to think of something believable, but she can’t take too long or Janis will know it to be a lie. She obviously can’t tell the truth. Janis might like girls, but there’s no way in hell she likes Cady. Not like that. Cady has to keep this to herself and hope and pray it goes away. 

caddy: I still don’t know what to say to Aaron 

caddy: I haven’t seen him yet today

It’s believable enough. Or so she hopes. 

janiss: oh shit yeah

janiss: it’ll be fine 

janiss: u don’t have to talk to him at all yknow

caddy: I know but he’s in my math class and he’d think it’s weird if I suddenly didn’t talk to him anymore even with everything that’s happened 

janiss: oh and u have a crush on him

Eeeeeh, Cady thinks. Maybe she should go along with it. It might get Janis off her trail. Not that she was on it in the first place. 

Regardless, it doesn’t feel like the kind of conversation they should have over text.

caddy: Yeah

caddy: Lot of pressure 

janiss: don’t stress about it 

janiss: you’ll figure out the right thing to say

janiss: and if he says anything shady dame and i will kill him for u

caddy: Well now that you’ve said that you’ll be the first person the police look at 

janiss: shit ur right 

janiss: eh i’ll just pin it on regina 

caddy: A brilliant plan

janiss: thank u i know

The bell rings then, making Cady jump in her seat. She hisses as she clonks her elbow against the metal bar connecting the desk to her chair and sends tingles down her arm. Funny bones are not at all humerus. 

caddy: Can we talk later?

caddy: Revenge stuff? 

janiss: yeah

janiss: come over after 5 if u can 

caddy: Got it :) 

janiss: (: 

caddy: No.

janiss: they’re friends!

caddy: He’s an abomination 

janiss: :00

Cady doesn’t get a chance to explain everything incorrect about the backwards smiley face before Ms. Norbury comes into the room in a frenzy and begins class. Cady clicks her phone off and looks attentively at the board, pointedly ignoring Aaron’s furtive glances back at her. What am I supposed to say to him in the middle of class, anyway? 

-

Yet again, she’s stopped before she can leave the area. “Cady! Hey, wait up.” 

Cady stops in her tracks and turns around with a quiet sigh. “Hi, Aaron.”

“Hey, can we talk?” 

“Can we walk and talk? Regina’s gonna kill me if I’m late to practice again,” Cady says. Aaron nods and does his best to keep up as she starts power-walking towards the nearest stairwell. 

“I just want to apologize for how things went down at homecoming,” Aaron begins. “Regina, uh… told me you… like me. I’m sorry for, like, rubbing that in your face.”

“It’s fine,” Cady says. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks,” Aaron says. “I hope you weren’t too upset.”

I ate an entire dairy farm’s worth of ice cream and cried for a week straight, but thanks, Cady thinks to herself. Out loud, she just says, “It’s really fine. It was just, like… I dunno. I thought you were cute, but Regina must, like, really like you. I’ll get over whatever I felt.”

“I just… hope we can still be friends?” Aaron asks. 

Depends, Cady thinks. “I think I can live with that.” 

“Cool,” Aaron chuckles. 

As they round the corner into the gym hallway, Cady inhales and says, “Hey, can I ask you something?” 

“Sure. What’s up?” 

“Did… Regina tell you? What she did to Janis?” 

“Sarkisian?” Aaron asks. Cady nods. Aaron sighs and says, “Not directly, at first. When we first got together was around the time Janis really started changing her look into… y’know. She was kinda the talk of the school again. And I heard rumors, so I asked Regina. She fessed up then.”

“So you know the truth? Not the ‘six people at her thirteenth birthday party’ story?” 

“Yeah. I know the ‘told the whole school Janis was a lesbian and got her bullied to within an inch of her life’ story,” Aaron sighs. 

“And you still took Regina back?” 

Aaron doesn’t say anything in response to that. He seems to know that no matter what he says, Cady’s going to be upset. Cady nods in confirmation. 

“Right. See you,” she says, crossing the hall and striding into the girls’ locker room before he can even think of following her. She suddenly doesn’t feel so bad about using him to get back at Regina. 

She jumps as she crashes into something as soon as she leaves the locker room. She almost falls onto her ass, but she’s saved by a soft, large hand grabbing her and keeping her upright. 

“Jesus, I’m so-” she starts to say. “Oh, Damian, hi. Sorry for… that. I didn’t see you.”

“It’s fine, Little Slice,” Damian replies. “You good?” 

“Yeah, I’ve just been kind of out of it today,” Cady says with a breathy, anxious chuckle. Damian watches in concern as she wrings her fingers together. 

“Are you okay to fly? You shouldn’t do that if you’re not in the right headspace,” he says with a furrowed brow. 

“I’ll be fine. I think it’ll help me clear my head,” Cady explains. Tumbling has always done that. It’s like being upside down just gets any worrisome thoughts to tip out of her ears. 

“Mmkay,” Damian says, eyeing her suspiciously. “Let me know if you’re not up for it.”

“I will. Thanks, Dame,” Cady says. She laughs as he ruffles her hair (as best he can with it in a ponytail) and walks off to the gym to start his warm ups. Cady sighs and heads to refill her water bottle before joining him. 

—-

Cady was almost right about practice being just the thing she’d need to clear her head. She stretches and warms up like normal. She gets time to herself to mull over what to do about the Janis Situation, as she’s now calling it in her head. 

She realizes as she goes into a bridge to stretch her back that she has a larger dilemma on her hands. What am I? 

Things in Kenya were… strange, when it came to sexuality. Animals do things quite differently. Cady’s parents did their best to be inclusive with her education, but as isolated white middle-aged people, her sex education class was… spotty, to say the least. They taught her that some people are straight, and like the opposite sex. And some people are gay, which meant they liked the same sex. And gay is okay! 

That was about the extent of that particular lesson. 

Cady knows for a fact that she really, really likes Janis Sarkisian. But she also knows for a fact that she really, really liked Aaron Samuels. There’s seven empty pints of ice cream and an unholy amount of tissues in her family’s trash bin to prove that. 

Can you be gay and straight at the same time? Is that a thing? And if so, what’s the word for it? How am I supposed to function without some kind of label for this? 

Cady takes a deep breath and decides to take her warm-up tumbling pass a bit slow today. She starts with a plain old roundoff just to make sure she’s not totally off her game and apt to injure herself. 

The motion relaxes her. She shakes out her shoulders, rolls her neck, and takes a deep breath before she takes off again. This time she adds in a few back handsprings, which calm her further. She counts off; hands, feet, hands, feet, hands, feet. Soon, the steady, constant rhythm of her being upside down and then righted once more is soon the only thing filling her mind. 

Maybe I’ll just ask Damian. 

—————

Cady carefully smooths down her skirt as she waits for Janis to open the door. Janis said after five. Cady waited until 5:01 to knock. That counts. 

“Hey, Cadd- aah!” Janis yelps, slamming the door in her face immediately after opening it. She opens it again with a hand held over her mouth and a very apologetic look in her eyes. “Nice costume.”

“Thankth,” Cady says around the creepy fake teeth in her mouth. She pulls them out when Janis shoots her a look. 

“W-why, um… why are you wearing that?” Janis asks as she motions her inside. 

“I got invited to Karen’s Halloween party this Saturday, I thought it would be a good place to kick off our revenge plans,” Cady says eagerly. “I just got it!” 

“Oh, Caddy,” Janis says pityingly. “You can’t wear that to a North Shore costume party. Especially not a Plastic costume party. You’re gonna get eaten alive.” 

“Oh,” Cady says sadly. “I thought you were supposed to dress scary on Halloween.”

“If we were any other age, you would be,” Janis sighs. She motions her further into the house and gently sits her down on the couch in the living room. Cady flops down with a huff and rips off her veil and wig. “It is pretty sick. Zombie bride?” 

“Ex-wife,” Cady mumbles miserably, fiddling with the lace on her polyester bridal gown. 

Janis laughs. “That’s great.” 

“It was,” Cady sighs. “What am I supposed to wear if not a costume?” 

“Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and nobody else can say anything,” Janis explains. She gives a strange giggle, suddenly, and says, “It’s amazing.” 

“So… I have to…”

“The hardcore girls just wear some kind of lingerie and some animal ears,” Janis says. “It sucks, but Regina would probably be super pissed if you already knew that. If she knows you got invited, she’s totally gonna be expecting you to show up in something like that. No offense. But she’ll be expecting to be able to humiliate you.”

“Lingerie?!” Cady says, jumping to her feet. “I’m barely sixteen, I don’t have any lingerie!” 

“You wanna go get some?” Janis asks with a smirk. 

“Isn’t Stevie-”

“Nah, she’s at her friend’s house for some birthday dinner thing,” Janis says. She wags her eyebrows suggestively. “Come ooooon, it’ll be fun.”

“You have a strange idea of fun, Janis Sarkisian.”

“You fucking know it, Caddy Heron.” 

—-

Cady leaves the old costume behind and follows Janis to the garage in the clothes she had on underneath. They’re thin, so she’s a bit chilly in the cold October weather, but Janis gives her a coat to borrow and she suddenly can’t feel anything but warmth. 

“You’re not wearing a coat?” Cady asks as Janis hauls her bike out of the garage. Her dad had to take their car to work today, so the bike is their only option for transportation other than walking.

“No,” Janis snorts. “It’s fifty degrees, Cads.” 

“That’s cold!” 

“Because you grew up in Kenya,” Janis retaliates. “Are you gonna be cool with taking Stevie’s bike? You’re, um… close in size.”

“I dunno how to ride a bike,” Cady says sheepishly. 

“You what?!” 

“Because I grew up in Kenya,” Cady retaliates with a giggle. “I never learned.” 

“Damn,” Janis says. “I didn’t think of that. Uh… hm. We’re gonna have to do this Stranger Things style, then.”

“I still don’t know what that is,” Cady says. Janis deflates a bit as she closes the garage and gets onto the bike. 

“I know. Hop on,” she sighs. 

“What?”

“However you fit. We gotta do it this way,” Janis explains. Cady hesitates for a second before she climbs on behind her. She’s half-sitting and half standing, clinging tightly to Janis’ waist and looking over her shoulder. “Comfy?”

“No,” Cady says. 

“Me either,” Janis says as she sets them moving. Cady squeals in fright and hides against Janis’ shoulder, but after a second she realizes it’s not so bad. 

“This is kind of relaxing,” Cady says. 

“Says you,” Janis chuckles breathlessly. “I’m the one doing all the work.” 

“It’s not my fault I didn’t grow up within a hundred miles of pavement,” Cady huffs. 

“We’ll add that to the America classes curriculum. That can be your phys ed,” Janis says. 

“Great,” Cady grumbles, resting her chin on Janis’ shoulder. It’s a bit bumpy as Janis is pedaling, but Cady isn’t phased. “Where are we going?”

“The mall,” Janis says. 

“Aren’t there gonna be people there?” Cady asks worriedly. “And isn’t it… really far away?” 

“Not this one. The one you’ve been to is further away and everyone goes to it because it’s way nicer,” Janis says. “So for something like this the one we’re going to is a win win. And it has a Victoria’s Secret, so that’s all we’ll need.” 

“Who’s Victoria?”

“You are so cute,” Janis chuckles. “You’ll see.”

“Mmkay,” Cady hums anxiously. She rests her chin on Janis’ shoulder and just enjoys the ride. 

Eventually, they pull up outside of a mall. Or what Cady thinks must be one. The one she’s used to has huge windows and is made of several buildings. This one is essentially just a brick cube. She can see why people prefer the other one. 

She follows Janis inside through the sliding glass doors. Janis looks at the names of all the shops around them. Cady isn’t totally sure what she’s looking for, but she definitely finds it. Janis grabs her hand suddenly and runs full tilt towards a store entirely too far away for Cady’s tastes. 

“Wait for me, I got little legs,” she pleads. Janis slows down a bit and looks at her. 

“Keep up, short stuff, c’mon!” 

“Hey!” Cady giggles as they finally slow to a stop. Cady looks around and sees they’re in a Halloween store. In what seems to have formerly been a pizza place, if the lingering delicious smells are anything to go by. Janis leads her to the animal costume section. 

“Whoa,” Cady says when she sees the wall covered floor to ceiling in various animal accessories. 

“Take your pick,” Janis says, giving a grand gesture with her arm and bowing sarcastically. 

Cady looks at all the animal ears. Cats, dogs, rabbits… Janis snorts when she stands on her tiptoes to grab a pair of lion ears. 

“I should’ve known.” 

“That’s not what lion ears look like,” Cady says, flicking at the flimsy felt. 

“Comes with a tail, though.” Janis says. “Kinky. This what you want?” 

“I guess so,” Cady shrugs. Janis nods and leads her over to the checkout area. She pauses and grabs a black eyeliner crayon, false eyelash glue, and some black cosmetic glitter. “What’s that for?”

“You need whiskers,” Janis says. “We can’t half-ass this.” 

“Lion whiskers aren’t glittery.”

“But glitter is sexy,” Janis says. “Or something. Just trust me.”

“Whatever you say,” Cady sighs as she puts the ears on the counter. The employee gives her a seriously judgmental look as she rings up everything. Cady’s used to being on the receiving end of looks like that and just pulls out her wallet to pay. Janis does too. “This is my costume, you’re not paying, Jay.” 

“But it’s my idea,” Janis says. “You already bought a costume.”

“My mom bought that one. And this is different,” Cady says. The employee takes her money and gives her the proper change; along with a scathing look as she takes the bag of goods and leaves. “Who would’ve thought buying animal ears was such a personal offense to some people?” 

“Can’t really say as I blame her,” Janis chuckles. “Alright, this way.” 

Cady follows Janis through the meandering halls of the mall until they’re outside a store with some very strange music playing from within. It’s all black and pink. And filled to the brim with very fancy underwear. “You knew how to get here off the top of your head?” 

Janis blushes a remarkable shade of scarlet and looks down at her boots. She squeaks a, “Yes.” before hauling Cady in by the hand and pointedly refusing to look at any of the mannequins. 

Cady does look. It’s quite disturbing, seeing these decapitated waists and torsos modeling some very skimpy undergarments. Most of them don’t look… comfortable, to say the least. How is my body supposed to be shaped? 

“You should, um… look for something yellow,” Janis says, still adamantly refusing to look at anything but the floor. “Or orange, maybe.” 

Cady nods. Most of the things around are either black, red, or white, but she does spy something yellow in a far corner and lead Janis that way by a hand. “What about this?” 

Finally, Janis does dare to peek up. She blinks in shock and says, “Oh, yeah, that’s perfect.” 

Cady grabs one that seems close enough to her size off the rack and reads the tag. “Lace… teddy?”

“That’s just the style of it,” Janis explains. “The… bodysuit type thing.”

“You know a lot about lingerie, Sarkisian.”

“Yeah, well,” Janis says airily. “Go make sure it fits.” 

Cady nods, standing on her tippy toes to see if she can spy a changing room. Janis is still a solid eight inches taller than her even with the tippy toes and points her in the right direction. 

Cady takes a deep breath as she steps into one of the empty rooms and tugs the curtain closed after her. She looks at the flimsy lace in her hands like it’s a bomb set to explode at any minute before she sets it down on the seat nearby and starts taking off her clothes. 

For Janis, she reminds herself as she pulls on the skimpy outfit. It feels much more like the kind of thing she’d happily support Karen wearing than actually wearing herself. 

That being said, she doesn’t hate how she looks when she turns around to see herself in the mirror. It’s all lace, in a ‘teddy’ style with long sleeves. It’s actually surprisingly comfortable. Cady ordinarily can’t stand things made of lace touching her skin. But this lace is soft, and it’s not so far up her ass she can almost taste it like most of the undergarments Regina has tried to buy for her. 

Wish I was wearing it for Janis under other circumstances, she thinks to herself as she turns to look at herself from the side. That’s creepy, Cady. 

It fits comfortably and makes her look hot. Cady will have to be very careful choosing her bra and panties when the day comes, but beyond that, she thinks she got quite lucky finding this. 

She takes it off and relishes in pulling all of her normal clothes back on. Janis is waiting for her when she pulls the curtain back open. She looks almost disappointed to see Cady in her clothes. Or maybe you’re just seeing what you want to see, you creeper. 

“Fit okay?” Janis asks after clearing her throat. 

“Yeah,” Cady responds, wringing the fragile fabric back and forth in her hands. “It’s actually kind of comfy.” 

“Good,” Janis says with a grin. “Let’s get out of here.”

“What, you don’t like seeing sexy underwear on half of a plastic woman?” Cady giggles. 

“Nah. Too much like Regina,” Janis jokes. 

The cashier of this establishment looks at them quite suspiciously as Cady sheepishly rests the yellow lace on the counter. She can’t quite bring herself to make eye contact with the older woman as she pays for the garment and stuffs it away in the other bag. It’s a perfectly innocent thing, but Cady feels… guilty, somehow. 

“I think maybe next time I’ll shop online,” Cady says as she climbs back onto the back of Janis’ bike. 

“Next time?” Janis smirks.

“Shut up,” Cady laughs, resting against her shoulder again for the ride home. 

—————

Friday comes around entirely too fast for Cady’s tastes. The party is tomorrow. She thinks she’s ready for another party, but she’s still not sure how this is going to go. 

“Hey, Cady,” Damian greets as she’s packing up after the game. 

“Hi,” Cady says with a grin. “Thanks for that save, by the way. I totally thought I was gonna break my neck.”

“So did I,” Damian chuckles. “Scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry,” Cady giggles. She pulls her bow out of her hair and asks, “What’s up?”

“Janis and I have a Halloween movie night every year after she takes Stevie trick or treating, do you wanna come? It’s fun, we just eat a lot of shit and scare ourselves senseless with horror movies,” Damian says. 

“I’d love to, but that sounds special to you guys,” Cady says. “I don’t wanna… crash.”

“You wouldn’t be,” Damian snorts. “Janis loves you.”

“She does?”

“Hm?” Damian hums. His eyes look a bit frantic, but he just says, “Oh, yeah. Y’know. You’re friends. We’re friends. We’re all… friends.”

“Oh,” Cady says with a nod, trying not to sound too disappointed. “I have a party tomorrow, too, though.”

“Just come by after. Then Janis and I will get our precious alone time,” Damian says, resting a dramatic hand over his heart. 

“Okay, sure,” Cady giggles. “That sounds fun.” 

“Cool. We’ll be at my house, just come by whenever,” Damian says. “And you can sleep over if you want.” 

“I will. Thanks, Dame,” Cady grins. Damian ruffles her hair and leaves her to finish packing up with a salute. 

—————

Janis invited her over to help her get ready for the party before she takes her sister out to go trick or treating. Cady dons the old zombie bride costume and tells her mom she’ll be spending the evening at Damian’s and probably spending the night. The real costume is tucked securely in her bag out of sight and not quite out of mind. 

Stevie pulls the door open when Cady knocks and tackles her in a hug. “Cady!”

“Oof. Hey, Stevie,” Cady chuckles. “Happy Halloween!”

“Happy Halloween,” Stevie says with a smile. “Cool costume!”

“Thanks,” Cady says, pulling shyly on the tulle of her skirt. “I thought so. Where’s yours?” 

Stevie is suddenly hit dead in the face with a pile of polyester. Janis comes the rest of the way down the stairs with a, “Get dressed, nerd.” 

“Hmph,” Stevie huffs. Cady laughs when she sees the Maleficent horns Janis is wearing. 

“Nice horns.”

“Thanks,” Janis grins. “Steve said I had to wear something or I’m ‘cheating at Halloween’.” 

“They suit you,” Cady giggles. Stevie comes back in a long pink dress and a blonde wig with a crown. “Aww!” 

“I’m a goddamn princess,” Stevie says when she peeks at herself in the mirror. Janis thwacks her on the back of the head, but Cady can tell she’s trying not to laugh. 

“Yeah, but you never sleep,” she says. “Sleeping Beauty.”

“You’re supposed to dress as something you aren’t for Halloween,” Stevie hums haughtily. 

“Yeah, yeah. C’mon, kid, let’s get your makeup done so I can help Caddy,” Janis says. Stevie squeals and runs up to Janis’ bedroom. Cady hesitates on the stairs. Janis notices and turns around. “You coming?” 

“Yeah,” Cady says hastily. She’s never seen Janis’ room before. 

She follows Janis and Stevie up the stairs and down a short hallway, then through a door covered with all sorts of ‘do not enter’ and ‘hazardous’ signs. 

“Wow,” Cady whispers when she sees the inside. Janis’ art covers every square inch of the walls and the ceiling. Cady can tell she’s been working on it for a long time. Years. Her style has changed a bit between pieces, and Cady can see her talent evolving as she looks at all the little doodles and murals. 

Her furniture didn’t come out unscathed, either. Cady can tell these are more recent; most probably since she ran out of room anywhere else. The sheets on her bed are plain black, but there’s a bunch of pillows patterned like pride flags at the head of it. And, of course, it’s unmade. Very Janis. 

“You like?” Janis asks as she grabs her makeup from her desk. 

“Yeah, it’s really cool,” Cady says. 

“Thanks,” Janis says with a cocky smile. Cady rolls her eyes and smiles back. “You can sit anywhere. Stevie’s shouldn’t take too long.” 

Cady sits with a slight bounce on Janis’ bed. “Oh, your bed is sooooo comfy!” 

Janis laughs as she falls backwards and sighs happily. “Yeah, I got a nice mattress for my birthday last year. Damian sleeps on it more than his own. Says it single-handedly fixed his back.”

“I can see why,” Cady says with a happy wiggle. Janis laughs again. Cady grunts as Stevie suddenly lands on the bed with a bounce and dislodges her from her comfy spot. 

“I’m ready,” she says eagerly. Janis snorts and squeezes something onto her hand. 

Cady watches as Janis gives her sister a full princess treatment. Primer, blush, mascara, eyeshadow, and a bright red lipstick. Janis acts so sarcastic with Stevie, but it’s obvious how much she actually cares about her baby sister. 

“Go see,” Janis says as she finishes with a bit of setting spray. Stevie squeals and runs over to her vanity to see herself in the mirror. Cady and Janis both jump and cover their ears when she gives an excited shriek. “Jesus Christ, Steve, volume.”

“I love it!” Stevie says. 

“Good,” Janis chuckles. “Go eat something.”

“But I gotta leave room for candy!” Stevie protests. 

“There’s leftover pizza in the fridge.”

“Bye!”

“Alright, Cads, your turn,” Janis says. “Do you wanna get dressed first, or…?”

“I probably should. This dress is kind of hard to… er, navigate,” Cady says. Janis laughs. 

“My bathroom is that door there, you can change in there,” she says, pointing out the door and back down the hall a ways. Cady nods and grabs her bag. 

Cady freezes for a second when she remembers that this means Janis is going to see her in lingerie. She’s still not entirely sure what to make of her feelings for the other girl, let alone in a situation like… whatever this is. 

She shakes it off and pulls the bodysuit out of her bag, along with the sweatpants she brought along to keep a bit warmer until the party. She’s already shaved practically everything below her neck in preparation, so all that’s really left to do is her makeup and hair. 

Janis looks up from her phone when she comes back, and gives her an award winning smile. She’s a bit pink, which Cady finds odd. Maybe she’s sick. 

“You, uh… you look great,” Janis says. “You, um… you ready?” 

“Your canvas awaits,” Cady says, sitting back down on Janis’ bed. Janis smiles and grabs her brushes to make Cady into a masterpiece. 

Cady jumps as Janis takes a brush to her face to apply some primer. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Cady says, shutting her eyes and letting Janis work. “I should be used to it by now.” 

“Plastic makeup attacks are a rite of passage,” Janis says. 

“Plastic cheer makeup attacks are a whole other deal,” Cady says. “I thought normal makeup was itchy.”

“I never understood why you guys do that,” Janis says as she gently dabs a bit of tinted moisturizer into Cady’s skin with a beauty blender. “Don’t you sweat all of it off?”

“Most of it,” Cady agrees with a giggle. “I don’t understand all the… what’s the… the stuff that makes you look dead?”

“Foundation?” 

“Yeah,” Cady says with a small nod. Janis laughs and gently swipes some concealer under her eyes. “I don’t get the point of doing all that. But I think the eye stuff is kind of fun.”

“It is pretty,” Janis agrees. “Must kinda blur your vision, though.”

“Oh, I almost killed myself the first game,” Cady laughs. “I couldn’t see where I was tumbling with the false eyelashes and everything. Regina only let me get away with just wearing mascara because I told her I almost broke my neck.” 

“I never quite got the hang of wearing falsies either,” Janis says. “I was kind of getting towards the tail end of my time as a Plastic by the time they started getting into shit like that.” 

“I still can’t imagine you as a Plastic,” Cady murmurs. Janis snorts derisively. 

“Yeah, neither can I.” 

Janis continues working in relative silence. Cady sits patiently. Janis is much more gentle with her than Regina or Gretchen or Karen. She even warns her before she does everything. Her hands are so soft and warm as she gently turns Cady’s face where she needs it. 

Cady pops a concerned eye open when Janis suddenly growls in frustration. “What’s the matter?”

“I can’t get the angle for this right like this,” Janis says, poking her tongue out in adorable frustration. Cady can hardly bear not leaning forward and kissing her. There’s three inches between their noses at most. Janis smells like the woods and acrylic paint and Cady is very annoyed that she’s not allowed to act on her urges. She doesn’t like you like that. 

“Oh. How can… uh…” Cady asks. Janis suddenly presses closer and knocks Cady onto her back. Cady squeaks in surprise. This took a turn. 

Janis moves until she’s on her knees hovering over Cady’s stomach and can hunch in close to her face. “Is this okay?”

“Uh… yeah,” Cady squeaks, trying not to blush as she looks into the sky blue eyes mere inches from her own. “Yeah, this-this is fine.” Not fine not fine not fine not-

“Shut your eyes for me,” Janis murmurs. Cady does, and Janis takes what feels like hundreds of tiny, tickly brushes to them. She has absolutely no idea what Janis is doing, but she’s got absolutely no intention of stopping her. 

Cady almost falls asleep as Janis continues doing her makeup. The sides of her hands rest against Cady’s cheeks as she continues her eyeshadow and does her eyeliner. It’s a nice, solid feeling that gives Cady a weird sense of comfort. Janis is there. 

Cady realizes she’s had her own hands held up like she’s at gunpoint for a solid five minutes. Her arms are starting to ache, but she isn’t sure what else to do with them. She rests them on the bed over her head and stretches the slightest bit. 

“Almost done,” Janis says as she takes the eyeliner crayon they’d bought at the store. “What kind of shape is a lion’s nose?”

“Um… kind of like a really big mushroom,” Cady says. She tries her best to make a shape with her fingers. “Like…”

“Okay,” Janis chuckles gently. Cady feels her draw and fill in a roughly correct shape on her nose and draw three lines over each of her cheeks to be her whiskers. She tosses the crayon aside and grabs the eyelash glue. “This is gonna get really really itchy as the night goes on, just warning you now.”

“I’ll live,” Cady chuckles. Janis dabs it over the lines she drew and then takes a brush to add the black glitter. 

She does it in small bits so that the glue doesn’t dry before she gets a chance to add the glitter. She starts with the whiskers, and then does the nose. 

And then catastrophe strikes. 

“I have to sneeze,” Cady says suddenly. 

“Don’t,” Janis replies calmly. 

“I can’t con- I gotta sneeze!” 

“But don’t,” Janis says. Cady tries to hold it off, but Janis scrambles back with all her supplies when Cady inhales heavily. Cady sneezes violently, with just enough time to cover her nose and mouth so she doesn’t sneeze directly in Janis’ face. Janis bites her lip before she bursts out laughing. Cady can’t help but join her.

“Stop laughing, I had to sneeze!”

“I said no!”

“You can’t say no, I had to sneeze!” Cady laughs. 

“You have cute sneezes,” Janis chuckles quietly as she leans back over to finish her work. Cady can feel herself blush. She can only hope Janis doesn’t notice. 

She’s still really hoping Janis will just lean down to kiss her. 

She doesn’t. 

“That’s not heterosexual,” Stevie says suddenly. Cady and Janis both scream and jump apart. Stevie is lounging casually against the wall in her full princess getup and munching on some pizza. 

“Stevie! I’m gonna fucking kill you, I swear to god!” Janis growls. 

“Don’t shoot the messenger,” Stevie replies easily. “I thought Cady was a zombie.”

“I have… two costumes,” Cady says. She hopes Stevie buys that as the only reason. 

“Oh. Cool.”

Cady grabs her ears from her bag and slides them onto her head. It is a cute look. With her hair color and how fluffy her curls are today she looks like she has a mane. Her lion ears just barely poke out, and the outfit does tie it all together quite nicely. She can already tell she’s going to be absolutely freezing, but it’ll be worth it. For Janis. 

She turns around with her hands held to her sides for Janis to assess. Janis smiles at her and says, “Perfect.”

“I’m cold already,” Cady says. 

“Yeah, it doesn’t look too warm,” Janis chuckles, almost sadly. “At least you aren’t coming trick or treating with us. Think you’d be a Caddy-lion-popsicle by the end.” 

“I kinda wish I was,” Cady mumbles, fiddling with the drawstring on her pants. 

“Maybe next year,” Janis says, resting a gentle hand on her shoulder. “You ready to go?” 

“Yeah,” Cady says, taking a deep breath to try to settle her nerves. She stuffs the zombie bride costume into her bag and zips it shut with a, “Have fun.” 

“You too,” Janis says, looking at her in a way Cady can’t quite describe. Concern? Affection? Both? Both. “Good luck.” 

“Thanks,” Cady says as Janis leads her back down the stairs and they’re face to face just inside the front door. 

“Are you gonna be okay?” Janis asks suddenly, like she’s been holding the words back for ages and just can’t do it anymore. Cady looks up at her. 

“I’ll be fine,” she says calmingly. “Karen promised me Shane wouldn’t be there. She says she doesn’t like him either.”

“Okay,” Janis says, visibly relaxing a bit. “You can, like… call me if something happens. Just… you know, just in case. I’ll come get you.”

“Thanks,” Cady says with a smile. “I’m not gonna drink or anything this time, so… I think I’ll be alright.” 

“Good,” Janis says. “But you should still be careful. Get your own drinks, even if they aren’t booze. And keep them covered and watch them and stuff. Shane isn’t the only asshole around. Just… be careful.” 

“I will,” Cady promises, taking and squeezing her hand. “I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry. But I’ll call you if something happens, okay?” 

“Okay,” Janis says. “Have fun.”

“You too,” Cady says. 

“Stevie, Caddy’s leaving, time to go!” Janis calls to her sister in the kitchen. Stevie comes running as quickly as she can in her fluffy dress to hug her goodbye. 

“Bye, Steve,” Cady says as she squeezes the little girl. “I’ll see you soon. Save me some candy.” 

Janis snorts. “Fat chance of that.” 

“I will,” Stevie says with a smile, seemingly just to spite her sister. “Bye Cady!”

“Bye!” Cady says as she shuts the door and starts the walk to Karen’s house. She’s suddenly wondering if she shouldn’t cancel at the last minute and just spend the evening with Janis and Stevie, but she’s already bought her costume. No sense wasting it now. 

—-

“Hey, Cady!” Karen greets brightly. Wow. Janis was right. 

Karen’s in some kind of lingerie too, in a style Cady doesn’t know the name of with a matching bra and panty set beneath it. “Hi. Nice costume. What… um… what is it?” 

“I’m a mouse, duh,” Karen says. Cady tilts her head in confusion. She squints a bit, and can… almost see a mouse. Karen seems to notice the confusion on her face and pats the top of her head. “Ohhh. I lost my ears.”

“Oh,” Cady says. “I’ll help you look. Is there somewhere I can put my stuff? I don’t, um… really want people getting into it.” 

“You can put it in my room, I always lock my door now,” Karen says. She seems a bit haunted as she explains. What’s happened in her room? “This way.”

Karen’s house isn’t anywhere near as big as Regina’s or even Janis’, but it’s still nice. She knows from talking to her that Karen has a single father too. Whatever he does for a living must pay pretty well. Either that, or he gets a hell of an alimony payment from Karen’s mother. 

Karen stops outside a door and pulls a key out of her bra to unlock it. Cady steps in, pulls her phone and tail out of her bag and her sweatpants off, stuffs the pants into her bag, and returns to her friend. Karen re-locks the door after her and returns the key to its place. 

“Where do you think your ears are?” Cady asks as she follows her friend back downstairs. 

“I dunno, I had them a few minutes ago,” Karen hums. “I was decorating the kitchen. And the bathroom. And the living room. And the backyard-”

“Let’s just check everywhere,” Cady interrupts. “You check the bathroom, I’ll look in the kitchen.” 

Cady doesn’t actually know where the kitchen is, but finding it can’t be too hard. Karen bounces her way off in the direction of the bathroom. Cady turns the other way and starts looking for the kitchen. 

Karen’s kitchen is huge. And, to Cady’s delight, full of food for the partiers. She sneaks a couple carrots from the veggie platter laid out on the counter and nibbles on them while she pokes around on the hunt for Karen’s mouse ears. 

She checks everywhere that makes sense for them to be. Nothing. Then Cady remembers that Karen herself seldom makes sense. Where would be a strange place for them to be? 

Cady checks the oven, hoping beyond hope that they aren’t there. Luckily, the only thing inside are some ashes and old grease. She double checks inside all the cabinets. Nothing there either. The potted plant on the windowsill has nothing for her other than some beautiful leaves. 

Last but not least, Cady opens the fridge. And, sure enough, the ears are there, wrapped around a very large bottle of vodka. She grabs them and closes the doors again, calling, “Karen, I found them!” 

Karen comes clicking into the room with a smile on her face. “Oh, hey! Thanks, where were they?”

“In the fridge,” Cady giggles. 

“Again?” Karen asks herself in exasperation. “Anyway, thanks.”

“No problem,” Cady says. “Oh, hey, could you help me with my tail?” 

Karen nods, so Cady hands it to her and turns around. Karen helpfully pins it to the back of her costume. Cady knows it’s entirely in the wrong place. It’s supposed to get people looking at your ass, not to be anatomically correct, she reminds herself. 

“What are you?” Karen asks once Cady’s tail is secure. 

“A lion,” Cady sighs, fluffing out her hair to look even more mane-like. 

“Aww, we’re both animals!” Karen says. “Mouse emoji. Okay, everything should be ready now.”

“It looks great,” Cady says. Karen really went all out with the decorations. There’s even a giant skeleton in the backyard, looming ominously over the pool it’s entirely too cold out to use. 

“Thanks!” Karen chirps. Cady smiles and nods. Karen heads to go let the guests in as they start arriving. Cady decides the veggie tray is going to be her companion for this party. 

She and Janis haven’t done too much planning in terms of things they can actually do to get their revenge party kicked off, so Cady’s plan for tonight is just to get whatever she can in terms of useful information. Maybe Gretchen or Aaron will pick tonight to get a little more tipsy than they should. Cady will use anything to her advantage. 

She’s nibbling on a celery stick and trying to ignore the already unruly people slowly filling the house around her when she hears Regina talking to Karen. “You invited Cady? God, we don’t have to take her everywhere, you know.”

“She’s our friend,” Karen says in confusion. Cady can practically hear Regina rolling her eyes in exasperation. 

“Whatever,” she says. 

Cady turns around and decides she should go talk to some people. Wow, did we all dress as animals? 

Regina is dressed as what Cady can only assume is a rabbit. The shapes are all there, but for whatever reason, the costume is bright red with black and white accents. Aaron, ever the dutiful boyfriend, stands at her side in a suit with a cape and a top hat. The costumes don’t quite go together, but it’s obvious they’re meant to be a duo somehow. They have only been back together for a two weeks. They must’ve had to pull whatever this is together quite quickly. 

“Hey!” Cady greets brightly, pretending as best she can that she hasn’t just overheard their conversation. “You guys look great!” 

“Thanks,” Regina hums, looking Cady up and down. 

“So do you,” Aaron says, surreptitiously nudging Regina with his elbow. “Lion?”

“Yeah,” Cady says sheepishly, fidgeting with the end of one of her sleeves. “What are you guys?” 

“A magician and a rabbit,” Regina sighs. The magician was definitely Aaron’s last minute idea, then. 

“Cool!” Cady says. Aaron shoots her a sweet, dorky smile that would’ve made Cady completely weak in the knees a month ago. Now, she just smiles back. Handsome, but not for me. 

-

The party passes without incident. Gretchen did indeed get a little bit more drunk than Cady thinks she meant to, so Cady stuck by her side through most of it. Both to see what details she’d let slip that she and Janis could use and to make sure nobody tried anything on her friend. 

Luckily, nothing of the latter and plenty of the former. None of it is really anything they can act on, but the fact that Gretchen so easily aired Regina’s dirty laundry gives Cady a lot of hope as to how this will all turn out. 

Cady bounces around for a while, sipping carefully at a soda and people watching. She’s present enough this time to learn how funny it is to watch drunk people try to dance. So. Many. Wipeouts. 

She decides to leave when her heart starts beating in time with the music and she can feel her sinuses rattling with the bass. She’s overwhelmed, and if she stays too much longer, it’s a slippery slope to a complete teary meltdown. 

She hugs a quite intoxicated Karen goodbye and thanks her for the invite before she leaves the house and starts the trek to Damian’s house. 

The cool night air helps calm her down. It shocks her back into her body enough that she can take some deep breaths and listen to the quiet, peaceful sounds of the night falling around her. Distant birds; the low, even thrum of cars a few streets over; the hum of the streetlights above her head. Much better.

—-

Cady pulls off her ears and massages behind her temples as she rings Damian’s doorbell. She hears what sounds like a distant scream, and then footsteps. 

Damian pulls the door open with a hand held over his heart and his breathing noticeably heavy. “Hey, Cads.”

“Hi,” Cady says. She tilts her head in concern and asks, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Damian chuckles. “Scary movie. We weren’t expecting the doorbell.”

“Oh. Sorry,” Cady says sheepishly. 

“It’s fine. Come on,” Damian says. Cady follows him inside. 

“Your house is nice,” she says politely. 

“Thank you! Welcome to Casa Hubbard,” Damian chuckles. “My mom’s at work, so it’s just us, if that’s okay.”

“Oh, yeah,” Cady says. “Where does she work?”

“She’s a nurse, she works at the hospital nearby,” Damian says. 

“Oh.” Cady says. “That’s neat.” 

“Yeah,” Damian says, seeming to realize the reason behind her awkward response. “You’ll get to meet her at some point, I’m sure. Anyway. Down here.” 

Cady follows him down the stairs to the basement. There’s an interesting smell, loads of food, and Janis sprawled on a very small couch staring languidly at the TV Damian left playing. Janis looks at them upside down off the arm of the sofa when she hears their footsteps on the stairs, and she gets a goofy smile on her face when she sees Cady. 

“Caddy!” she says happily. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Cady says. 

“How was the paaaaaaaaarty?” 

“Um… fine,” Cady says in confusion. 

“That’s goooood.” Janis hums. She seems content with that, and the conversation ends there. 

“Cool outfit,” Damian says. “I like the makeup.”

“Thanks,” Cady grins. “Janis did it.”

“Did she now?” Damian hums, poking his tongue into his cheek. “Interesting. Are you, um… gonna… sleep in that?”

“No, I- shit!” Cady says. “I… packed clothes but I left them at Karen’s place.” 

“Do you wanna go home and grab some?”

“No, my parents are there, they’ll get suspicious. They don’t know I was at a party, they think I came straight here,” Cady says. “I guess I am sleeping like this.”

“Janis keeps some pajamas here, you can borrow hers,” Damian says. “She’s closer to your size than me.” 

“But what about her?” 

“What about who?” Janis pipes up from the couch. 

“You,” Cady says. Janis frowns in confusion. 

“What about what about me?” 

“Caddy forgot her pajamas at Karen’s. Can she borrow yours?” Damian asks.

“Can I borrow yours?” Janis retaliates. 

“No, you’re icky,” Damian says sarcastically. “Yes. Will you go get them?”

“Why meeeee?” Janis whines. 

“Because I got Caddy. Your turn, bitch,” Damian says, flopping down on the couch next to her. 

“Hmph,” Janis grumbles as she walks by Cady and slugs her way up the stairs. Cady sheepishly goes to sit next to her friend. 

“What movie is this?” 

“Children of the Corn,” Damian says. “It’s really dumb, but we watch it every year.” 

“Cool,” Cady grins. She cuddles into his side and watches the end of the movie with him. “Hey, can I ask you something? Something kind of… personal?” 

Damian looks at her with a confused frown. “Sure.” 

“How did you know you were gay?” Cady asks quietly. 

“Oh. Um…”

“You don’t have to answer if it’s, like, uncomfy, or anything,” Cady says hastily. “I just-”

“Little Slice, it’s fine,” Damian chuckles. “I kind of… always knew, I guess. I was kind of stereotypically fruity as a kid. I liked princesses and dolls better than superheroes and trucks. And then when I got older all the other guys talked about how hot all the girls were and stuff, but I never really felt anything other than wanting to be friends with a few. And then I met a boy at arts camp one summer and was absolutely obsessed with him. Like, too… too obsessed.” He chuckles nervously. “But that was my first real crush. And I realized I had felt that way about a few boys before, and there have been more since. And it’s always been guys, never girls.”

“Oh,” Cady says softly, picking at her chipping nail polish. 

“Why?” Damian asks, gently squeezing her hand. 

“I… kind of like a girl,” Cady mumbles. Damian squeals sharply into her ear and takes both her hands in his large ones. 

“Ooh! Tell me everything,” he says eagerly. 

“I think I’ve really liked her for a while,” Cady begins anxiously. She is right upstairs, after all. “But I just realized it, like, a week ago. And I already can’t stand it. I wasn’t sure at first, because I also really liked Aaron, and I’ve never had a crush on a girl before. But I, like, really wanna kiss her. And I don’t think that’s normal.” 

“Aww,” Damian coos. “My baby queer.” 

“That’s what I was gonna ask you about,” Cady says sheepishly. “You seem, um… knowledgeable. About… gay stuff. I don’t know anything, and it’s really scary. Not being able to explain who I am, you know?” 

“Yeah,” Damian says comfortingly. “I am quite knowledgeable. Can you tell me a little bit more and I’ll see if I can tell you anything that might fit?” 

“Yeah, I guess,” Cady says. Damian lets go of her hands and allows her to wipe the sweat off on the cushion behind her. He leans against the back of his couch on his hand while Cady stares at her bare legs and fidgets with her fingers. “I just, like… in Kenya I was almost never around other people. There were a few I got crushes on when I was little and stuff. And they were always… guys. But since I realized I really like… this girl, I’ve been thinking about it more, and I kind of- this sounds weird, but I really relate to the animals? Like, a lot of them will just mate with… anything. Male, female, a rock. They just want the pleasure of the interaction. And I kind of… want that with romance. I don’t really care who they are, I just… want a person, you know?” 

“You might be pan,” Damian says when she finishes. 

“Like… for cooking?” Cady asks in confusion. 

“No,” Damian laughs. “Pansexual. Or panromantic, for you. The sexual attraction is a whole other thing. Unless you feel basically the same about sex.”

“I think I do, I dunno,” Cady says. “I feel a little bit less for guys after, uh… Shane. But I think it’s basically the same.” 

“Pan just means that you’re attracted to someone regardless of their gender, or what body they’re in, basically,” Damian explains. “Into the wine, not the label, and all that.”

“What?”

“You haven’t seen Schitt’s Creek?” Damian gasps. “Oh, honey.”

“Janis says she’s gonna show me everything I need to watch. She calls it my America classes,” Cady explains with a fond smile. 

“Speak of the devil,” Damian says as Janis comes back down the stairs clad in some of Damian’s sweats. She tosses a pile of fabric at Cady and another at Damian. 

“Bitch!” she scoffs. 

“You literally have horns!” Damian retaliates. “Don’t bitch me, bitch.” 

“I’ll bitch you all I want, bitch,” Janis says. “Caddy, this is a bathroom if you wanna change.” 

“Thanks,” Cady says. She stands and pads over to the door Janis pointed to, shutting and locking it after herself. She pulls off the bodysuit and her tail and tugs on the cozy sweatpants and band t-shirt, both worn soft by years of wear. 

She closes the lid to the toilet as quietly as she can and sits down on it. She pulls out her phone and opens Google, typing pansexual definition into the search bar. Her thumb hovers anxiously over the blue button for a second before she hits go.

Pansexuality is sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity. Pansexual people may refer to themselves ...

Cady hits the read more button and reads through the entire Wikipedia page. The further into it she gets, the more correct it sounds. She sniffs and wipes tears brimming in her eyes. It’s me. 

She stares at the flag longer than she probably should. She realizes with a start that she’s been in the bathroom for quite a while, and her friends are probably starting to get worried. 

Sheepishly, Cady unlocks the door and heads back out to them. “Hi.”

“Hey, Little Slice,” Damian greets brightly. “You didn’t take your makeup off?”

Cady pats her face, and she can feel the scratch of the glitter on her ‘whiskers’ beneath the pads of her fingers. “Oh, oops. Janis, do you have any makeup remover?”

“No,” Janis replies.

“I do,” Damian says at the same time. “In the medicine cabinet.”

“Thanks,” Cady says. She turns back around to go find it. Janis apparently does the same. Cady screams as a pale hand suddenly reaches over her shoulder to open the cabinet in the bathroom for her. 

“Sorry,” Janis chuckles gently. 

“Don’t do that,” Cady giggles anxiously, a hand held over her chest in an attempt to calm her racing heart. “What are you doing?”

“I put the makeup on you, I think it’s only fair I help you get it off,” Janis responds. “And Damian will actually slaughter me if I let you do it wrong and damage your precious little face.”

“Oh,” Cady says breathlessly. “Okay.” 

“Look at me,” Janis instructs. Cady does, turning around and looking up at her friend’s face. Up close, she can see how red Janis’ eyes are, and she frowns.

“Have you been crying? Your eyes are red,” Cady asks softly. “Are you okay?”

“Caddy,” Janis responds quietly, gently cupping Cady’s face in her warm hands. Cady has to actively resist leaning into them. “I’m really high.”

“Ohhh,” Cady says. “That’s what the smell is.”

“Yeah,” Janis snorts. “Damian and I added weed to our Halloween movie night a few years ago. We just get stoned, eat, and watch random shit.” 

“Sounds fun,” Cady says. 

“It is,” Janis says. She soaks a few cotton pads in something and hands Cady one. “Hold that on your nose, it’ll dissolve the glue holding the glitter on.” 

Cady does, and Janis holds the other two pads to each of her cheeks. Cady tries not to stare into Janis’ eyes, but she just has to. The bloodshot look somehow just makes the sky blue of her irises pop even more than they normally do. “Your eyes are really pretty.”

Why the hell would you say that?! she asks herself frantically. Now she’s gonna know-

“Thanks,” Janis whispers. “So are yours.” 

Cady continues looking over every little detail of her friend’s face, trying to memorize what she can. Who knows when she’ll be this close to Janis next? 

“That should be good,” Janis murmurs after about a minute. Cady pulls the pad off her nose and looks to Janis for further instruction. Janis gently rubs the pads she had held against her cheeks around to remove the glitter and the eyeliner whiskers as much as she can. Cady scrunches up her face as she does the same to her nose.

“Tickles,” she murmurs. 

“You’re cute,” Janis whispers as she soaks another two pads in something else. “This is for your eye makeup.”

Cady takes them and closes her eyes, pressing the pads to her eyelids to soak off the makeup there. “Oh, this feels nice.”

“Damian has all the good shit. I would’ve shredded my skin learning to do my makeup if I didn’t have him,” Janis chuckles. 

“How long have you guys known each other?” Cady asks, looking in what she hopes is Janis’ direction with the cotton pads still pressed to her eyes.

“First grade,” Janis responds. “You can rub those around now.” Cady does. “I broke his nose.”

“Really?” Cady asks with a shocked laugh as she swipes her eye makeup off. 

“Yeah,” Janis chuckles. She tosses the pads into the garbage can and scoops out a small bit of something from a blue tub. She rests it on Cady’s fingers. “Rub this in like you’re washing your face. It’s a cleansing oil.” 

Cady does, looking in the mirror to see where she needs to apply it. She looks a bit like a raccoon with her eyeliner and mascara still smeared around her eyes, but she’s definitely back on her way to Cady and not a lion. “How did you break his nose?”

“Punched him,” Janis responds simply. “He said girls couldn’t punch. I proved him wrong.”

“And he still wanted to be your friend?”

“Oh, yeah, it was his idea,” Janis chuckles. “We got sent to the office together and got to talking. He said I punched good and stood up for me when my dad came to pick me up. And then we sat next to each other the next day and that was that. He’s been my best friend ever since.”

“That’s… weirdly really adorable,” Cady chuckles as she finishes massaging the oil all over her face. “Now what?”

“Get it wet but don’t rinse it off,” Janis instructs, leaning against the wall behind her and meeting her eyes in the mirror. Cady shoots her a confused look. “Just splash a little water on your face.”

Cady does. Janis tells her to rub it in again, so Cady listens. She doesn’t totally understand how this works, but it feels nice, so she doesn’t say anything about it. 

Janis grabs a bottle of something else while Cady rinses the cleansing oil off her face and gives her a pump of it. Cady looks at her expectantly. 

“Cleanser,” Janis sighs, clearly having been put through this process by Damian countless times before. “Same thing.” 

Cady finishes washing her face like normal. Janis grabs what Cady hopes are the last products while she pats her face dry with a cushy towel. 

“Close your eyes,” Janis instructs as she shakes a spray bottle of… something. “And hold your breath.” 

Cady listens and winces as Janis spritzes her with whatever it is. “Ooh. That smells nice.” 

“Yeah, I dunno what it is,” Janis replies with a chuckle. 

“You don’t even know what it is? And you put it on my face?” Cady giggles. 

“It’s… some kind of toner, I don’t know. You can trust Damian if you don’t trust me,” Janis replies as she gently taps something else over her skin and starts massaging it in. 

“I do trust you,” Cady says softly, closing her eyes contently and relishing in the feel of Janis’ soft hands gently rubbing in the product. “Your hands are soft.” 

“Thanks,” Janis whispers. She gently strokes the pad of her thumb up and down the bridge of Cady’s nose to get some she’d missed. Cady almost falls asleep standing up. “There.” 

“Thanks,” Cady says, grinning up at her friend. She gets a burst of courage upon looking into Janis’ eyes once more and leans in to wrap her in a tight hug. Janis seems surprised and tenses briefly underneath her, but she quickly wraps her arms around Cady’s shoulders and squishes her close. She rests her cheek on top of Cady’s head and absentmindedly rubs her thumb back and forth over her shoulder. 

Cady wants to stay here forever. 

To keep things as platonic as she can, she pulls back after a minute at most and gives Janis a friendly smile before they head back out to join Damian. 

“Oh my god, there you are!” he says dramatically. He’s clearly also partaken in the weed while they’ve been getting Cady taken care of. “You guys took foreveeeeer.”

“You’re the one who insisted on doing it properly,” Janis responds. “Gimme.” 

Damian passes her the… Cady isn’t sure of the term, but whatever it is they’re smoking. Janis inhales some and settles in on the couch. Damian asks, “Did you moisturize her?” 

“Yes,” Janis says with a roll of her eyes. 

“But did you use the ton-”

“Yes! I did everything you told me to,” Janis says. 

“But did you?”

“She did,” Cady giggles. “I promise.”

“Mmkay,” Damian hums suspiciously. “Ooh, you’re glowing! Look at you!” 

“Thanks,” Cady says as she sits down in between them. There’s not much room on the couch; it’s really more of a loveseat at best. She winds up pressed quite heavily against Janis’ side. “What are we watching?” 

“What do you want to watch?” Damian responds, languidly grabbing the remote and flicking through the Halloween section of some various streaming services. 

“I dunno,” Cady says. “I’m not really a scary movie person.”

“Hmm,” Damian hums pensively. 

“Caddy, do you want some?” Janis asks from her other side. Cady looks to see her offering her the… whatever it’s called.

“Oh, um… no thank you,” Cady says. Janis nods and takes it back for herself. 

“Up to you,” she says. That simple sentence fills Cady with such relief. She smiles faintly and leans in the slightest little bit closer. 

Damian suddenly gives a delighted gasp as he finds something. Cady looks at him. “Is this gonna be scary?” 

“Oh, yeah,” Damian says. “Just not in the way you’re expecting.” 

Cady frowns in confusion and looks at the screen. Do scary movies usually have theme music? 

“Is this a horror movie?” Janis stage whispers. 

“No, it’s the DoodleBops,” Damian whispers back.

“Shit,” Janis replies. “We watched this as kids?”

“I dunno who this we is, but apparently some sadder people out there have, yes.”

Cady quickly learns what Damian meant. Janis and Damian are both staring blankly at the screen. Cady is too, but she’s confused by the colorful figures dancing and singing at her on the screen. “What is this?” 

“I don’t fucking know,” Janis responds, sounding absolutely shaken to the core. 

“It’s amazing,” Damian responds. He’s on the opposite end of the spectrum, sounding absolutely delighted by what he’s seeing and actually bopping his head a little bit to the musical numbers. 

Cady isn’t entirely sure what to make of the situation. It doesn’t seem like something Janis and Damian would watch ordinarily. Must be the drugs. 

Cady’s half wondering if she shouldn’t try some just to get the full experience when Janis sags a little further into the couch, almost like she’s becoming one with it, and groans, “Where’s your dooooog?” 

“Oh, dog!” Damian exclaims in horror, doing exactly the opposite as he leaps off the couch and goes running to the door. 

Janis takes advantage of his absence to reach across Cady and snatch the remote to turn the strange show off. “That’s enough of that.” 

“He has a dog?” Cady asks happily. 

“Yeah,” Janis says, resting her clearly too-heavy head on Cady’s shoulder and browsing through Netflix. “Golden lab.” 

Cady squeals and sits a little more upright. Janis whines quietly and shifts with her. Cady’s almost shaking in her excitement, hoping the dog makes an appearance with Damian when he returns. 

She feels like all of her dreams have come true when the puppy comes barreling down the stairs and directly up to Cady, its entire back half wiggling in delight as it sniffs happily at the new human. 

“Hi!” Cady says just as happily as she offers her hands to sniff before she rubs the pup behind the ears. 

“Hey Stanley,” Janis greets, wrapping her entire hand gently around the dog’s snout and wiggling its head back and forth. The dog is completely unphased and hops up next to Cady to take Damian’s place. 

“What a good boy,” Cady coos as the dog rolls over to show off its tummy for some belly rubs. Cady happily obliges. 

“No, she’s a girl,” Janis chuckles. “We found her on the sidewalk when we were in sixth grade and Dame named her Stanley. And then we took her to the vet to get checked out and they told us she’s a girl. But Stanley stuck.” 

“What a good girl,” Cady amends. “Stanley.” 

“Stanley,” Damian groans. “Get down, you’re in my spot.” 

“But I love her,” Cady pouts, gently hugging the puppy. Stanley wags her tail happily to show her agreement. 

“This dog is never not in the way,” Damian sighs. He carefully lifts the dog’s backside and sits down. It’s quite crowded now with three people and a dog, but Cady is certainly not complaining. “Hey, what happened to the DoodleBops?”

“Something I cannot fathom,” Janis mutters to herself. “Caddy hasn’t seen Stranger Things.”

“Oh,” Damian says, suddenly understanding the gravity of the situation. Cady still doesn’t totally get it, but she watches in excitement as the opening music starts playing. 

“Aww,” Cady says when the kids make their first appearance. “They’re so cute!” 

“Just wait,” Janis says ominously. Cady does. She almost cries when Will goes missing, and finds herself subconsciously leaning closer to Janis for comfort from the sadness and spooks. 

She eventually ends up on the ground with Stanley; both of them having felt a bit suffocated on the loveseat with all four of them. Janis shifts to lie down as much as she can, her head in Damian’s lap and her arm dangling off the side of the couch, resting on Cady’s shoulder. Cady leans against it and smiles as Janis uses it to hug her and play with her hair. 

Stanley rests her head on Cady’s lap and drifts off for a nap. Cady continues watching the show contently and gently pets the pup from time to time. Janis does the same to Cady. 

Cady hasn’t felt this safe since she moved to America. Hasn’t felt so… home. Like she knows she’s supposed to be where she is. Like she’s… found where she belongs. 

—-

“I’m goin’ to bed,” Janis groans after a while, stretching and sitting upright. 

“Goodnight,” Cady says gently. Janis grins at her with her adorable sleepy face and Cady only shrieks internally for thirty seconds. She watches as Janis pads over to the shelf in the corner and tugs down a sleeping bag before she unrolls it and climbs in. 

Stanley apparently decides to join her. Cady pouts as she stretches and yawns before trotting over and curling up next to Janis. Janis maneuvers the sleeping bag enough that she’s effectively spooning the dog and shuts her eyes. 

Cady climbs back up next to Damian and leans against his arm. Damian turns the volume of the TV down so he and Cady can continue watching without disturbing Janis. 

They don’t say anything for a few episodes. Damian seems perfectly content to cuddle with Cady and watch the show. Cady is a little more antsy, shifting positions every few minutes and trying to keep from looking over at Janis. 

She looks so peaceful when she’s asleep. Her hair is fanned out around her like a half-blonde halo. She groans quietly, making Cady worried they’ve woken her up, but Janis just rolls onto her back and shifts her arms to rest above her head ballet dancer style. So cute. 

Apparently Damian notices that Cady hasn’t been successful in her don’t look at Janis mission, because he turns the TV down a little bit more and quietly asks, “Is it her?” 

“What?” Cady asks in shock. Damian looks at her with a knowing look in his eye. 

“Your girl crush. Is it Janis?” Damian asks. Shit. He’ll know if Cady lies, but he’s also Janis’ lifelong best friend. Would he tell her if I said yes? What do I do? “I won’t tell her either way.” 

“You won’t?” Cady asks.

“No way,” Damian scoffs dramatically. “That’s your job. You get to do that if and when you think you’re ready.” 

“…Yeah, it is,” Cady mumbles sheepishly. “But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell her.” 

“Why not?”

“There’s no way she likes me back,” Cady says sadly. “And I don’t… want her to think I’m faking. Like I’m so desperate that I fell for the first girl who likes girls I’ve ever met, you know?” 

“She wouldn’t,” Damian says soothingly. “Every gay person has to start somewhere. Janis just happens to also be the first one you met. You come from different circumstances than most of us do, that’s not your fault. She’d understand.” 

“She still doesn’t like me back,” Cady mumbles. 

“Do you know that for sure?” Damian asks. 

“Um… no, I guess not,” Cady says in confusion. “But she hasn’t, like… shown any signs of being interested in me.” 

“That you’ve noticed,” Damian says. “Janis doesn’t… show affection easily. Not the way most people do. She has to do a lot more to keep herself safe than she should. It’s really hard for her to open up.” 

Why is he telling me this? Cady asks herself. “You really think I have a shot with her?”

“That I can’t say,” Damian says. “But you both deserve to be happy. Whether that’s with or without the other. And this seems like it’s weighing on you a lot already.” 

“It is,” Cady agrees with a sigh. “You think I should tell her?” 

“Do you want this to go somewhere?”

“Yes,” Cady whispers. “I do.” 

“Then yes. I think you should tell her,” Damian says. Cady mulls this over. 

“I… I’ll think about it,” she says after a while. 

“Whatever makes you happy, Merida. Can we sleep now?” Damian asks. 

“Yeah,” Cady giggles. “I’m sleepy.” 

“Me too,” Damian says. “Let me get you all set up.”

“I can do it,” Cady says. 

“Nonsense. It’s your first sleepover with us, you gotta get the special treatment so you stick around,” Damian says. He grabs another sleeping bag off the shelf Janis got hers from and unrolls it on the ground. Cady isn’t sure how to react when she sees just how close to Janis he placed it. She stands and pads over to him sheepishly as he grabs a pillow for her. 

“Thanks.” 

“No problem,” Damian says. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Cady echoes, eagerly accepting the hug he offers and giving her friend a good squeeze. He somehow manages to squish his entire body into a comfortable position on the loveseat and drift off within a few minutes. Good for him. 

Cady carefully climbs into her sleeping bag. She apparently wasn’t careful enough, because when she settles on the pillow, Janis is awake and staring at her. 

“Hi,” Cady whispers. 

“Hi,” Janis whispers back, her voice adorably rough with sleep. 

“Sorry I woke you up.” 

“It’s okay,” Janis replies. “You have fun?” 

“Yeah,” Cady says, instantly and honestly. “Loads.” 

“Good,” Janis grins. Cady smiles back and tugs the sleeping bag a little higher around her chin. Janis’ eyes rove over her face in the darkness. What she’s looking at or looking for, Cady can’t be sure. She’s panicking too hard to question her about it. 

She panics harder when she suddenly remembers she’s in Janis’ pajamas, too. It’s so oddly domestic in a way Cady wasn’t expecting. Sleeping next to her crush, wearing her things. Cady can almost pretend they’re falling asleep together in a real bed, tangled together. That Stanley, sound asleep at their feet, is a dog of their own. That the sleeping bags aren’t prisons separating them and they’re freely allowed to tangle together and cuddle each other close. 

But for now, Cady has to be content with her fleecy warm sleeping bag and having friendly boundaries with her crush. She takes a deep breath, relishing in the faint smell of Janis coming off the pajama shirt she’s wearing, and murmurs a, “Goodnight, Jay.” 

“G’night, Caddy,” Janis whispers back. 

Neither of them roll over, and they drift off to sleep face to face. 

—————

thanks for reading!! hope you enjoyed!!

[boyiiish]

❛ ✰ · » asa germann, cis-man, he/him « i wonder where finlay "finn" davies is today … i haven't seen them around but i bet they're trying to surf over at hitheside. ah, our beloved wayfarer … for a twenty six year old they've never grown out of being so impatient. don't get me wrong, though, they're also so adventurous, which makes up for it. keep an eye out, anyway, i'm sure they're on their way. you'll know it's finn coming from a mile away, because they're the walking embodiment of mucky converse, freckled skin from the sun, late night road-trips with friends and dog eared postcards, from random places in europe, with hastily scribbled notes written on the back.

PINTEREST / PLAYLIST

triggers: weed mention

BASIC STATS:

name: finlay michael davies

nickname: finn (prefers to go by this)

birthday: december 27 1997 (26 years old)

gender: cis man (he/him)

sexuality: pansexual

EXTRA TIDBITS:

character label: the wayfarer

birthplace: nottingham university hospital

current location: returned to hitheside, for a couple of months (living with his fraternal twin).

family: tbd davies (fraternal twin), michael davies (father), hannah davies (mother)

occupation: works @ the indoor arcade on hitheside pier, thinking of quitting though.

BASIC INTRO:

this will be updated accordingly!

finn and his twin were born on a bright but cold, december morning @ nottingham university hospital.

his parents moved the family to hitheside when the twins were a few months old. although the davies parents, LOVE & support their children, they are just never around, they work a lot.

finn and his twin had a lot of babysitters, the pair often had to make their own fun together, playing make-believe, reading books etc.

as they became young adults & didn't need to be watched anymore, the two ventured outside into the real world.

that was it for finn, once he was outside, you had to practically drag him back inside, his mum did that once.

then he went on a school trip abroad to spain & that's when everything changed, finn realised he liked travelling. he was in awe of everything.

fast forward a few years later, finn went on a gap year after finishing college, he went interrailing around europe & he loved it, he didn't want to come home!!

the gap year changed into a gap few years & he just wandered for a little bit, eventually settling down in amsterdam for a little bit. sending his family notes home every once in a while.

but amsterdam was expensive, he only had a job working in an a coffeeshop (you know what i mean xx) so he wasn't earning much.

also his family were badgering him to come home, they missed him. so a couple of months a go, finn moved back home.

finn currently lives with his twin and works at the local indoor arcade at the pier.

he's happy to be back with his twin and his friends, he's missed them all but he does have the itch to go travelling again.

he still goes visiting to different parts of the UK but it's not the same, he doesn't really know how to talk to his sibling about that.

FINN'S AESTHETICS:

mucky converse, freckled skin from the sun, late night road-trips with friends, dog eared postcards, from random places in europe, with hastily scribbled notes written on the back, cheeky grins, smoking weed on a roof-top studying the stars, ripped jeans, fingers tapping against a tabletop, bruised knees, watching foreign films, cycling everywhere.

please note, this is all a work in progress and will be updated once i've plotted with people. if you'd like to plot with sage & finn, please like this post & i'll message you or feel free to message me on discord @ radcorrie!!

[snarky-gourmet]

necessary context: x

I'm posting these all together to more effectively address these-- thank you for taking the time to write this out. I'm not going to lie, for several days I've gone back and forth between whether or not I'd direcrtly answer you or not because some of the wording you used set off alarms not only to me but to other people I asked their thoughts on all this. I'm choosing to still take your words in good faith, and I hope that isn't the wrong decision.

I straight up don't know what you mean by "people in the leftist sphere deliberately engaging in dual loyalty blood libel." I know what dual loyalty is, I know what blood libel is, but when I tried to gather context for that combined phrase, all I got were zionists claiming it was antisemitic to claim that the israeli occupation was deliberately targeting palestinian children in the genocide. That is what the israeli occupation is doing. To be clear. Like that is what they are doing and that is what supporting zionism is also endorsing... it's not feeding into a conspiracy theory to state that they are killing palestinian children, on purpose, for the sake of committing a genocide, and I'm remarkably concerned with not being able to find anything not highly suspicious to help sort out what you meant.

Out of an abundance of caution and desire to be as clear as possible, I also don't wish for this to descend into a back and forth argument of "what you said was suboptimal" "oh yeah well what you said was also suboptimal", however I want to make clear to anyone who reads this that your words are your own and I am also not necessarily in agreeance with bringing up and emphasising OP's status as a muslim while trying to discern their motives, or the (accidental?) condescending tone that accompanies "i think they're hurting But(..)", nor am I particularly comfortable delving into the topics of religiosity in this context, as you said it is a separate issue, but also because I think it's a road to nowhere for two people who are not jewish, and presumably not muslim, to weigh in on. However I want to thank you for bringing up the contents of their blog, and their habitual conflation of zionism with judaism, because if you hadn't, I would not have gone to check, nor been made aware that there actually are more relevant examples of blatent antisemitism on their blog that inform the place in which they wrote the post in question from earlier. Someone who makes that sort of post is not someone I want to engage with or agree blindly with on any level.

I think despite both of our best efforts, this will ultimately still boil down to a case of semantics; we seem to have different understandings of why exactly general comparisons between nazism and zionism have been made, as well as why it persists, and colloquial use of the terminology with regards to what constitutes someone or some entity receiving accusations or a label of specifically nazism over fascism.

My understanding of the greater topic at hand, apart from the OP's post--which as established, has a bias attached to it that renders it in need of criticism--is that fascism and nazism are not being conflated 1:1 and used interchangably in these instances, nor is the label of nazi being thrown around to punish or weed out "bad jews", as you imply. (As an aside, I honestly am quite wary of bringing up that sort of terminology here when we are talking about an ethnostate abusing judaism to justify its end goals; I'm unsure it's situationally appropriate to liken this to practices of tokenism, and I can see it being read a bit too closely to the common talking point that zionism being criticised is inherently antisemitic, due to misconstruing the point and insisting that it's not the colonial violence, establishment of an ethnostate, racism, apartheid, genocide, etc, that's wrong, but that it's a jewish state doing it that people simply don't like, which is not something I wish to impart, nor do I think that was your intention for that matter, but I do not feel comfortable posting this while not offering a disclaimer.) Rather, it is the label being applied to a geopolitical entity that has adopted ideals, apart from "just" textbook fascism, that are also inherent to those of the broader nazi ideology, specifically--such as but not limited to the topics and practices I previoisly mentioned in the last reply--and also the way in which the israeli occupation upholds ideals of racial superiority, white supremacy in particular. It's nowhere "just" the weaponisation of forced starvation where the similarities lie. If you were to hear someone call a group of people "human animals", or paint themselves as "the children of light" and their targets "the children of dark", for example, it would be reasonable to immediately label this nazi rhetoric, regardless of who is saying it, because things exactly like this were and still are said by those who are nazis. By extension, if you were to see an ethnostate practice and enforce eugenics, such as forcing ethiopian jewish women to take contraceptives against their knowledge as a condition of being allowed into israel, or the marriage laws that exist within israeli society barring jews from marrying non-jews, and argue ethnic superiority, it would be kind of wild to choose to die on the hill of insisting that people not liken that to nazi ideology. Not all fascism is automatically nazism, but if something mirrors nazism specifically, this closely, there are going to be people calling it that, because that's what it looks like and that's what it operates like. I do not believe it is any coincidence either that those who aren't jewish and are on the alt-right very often wind up being outspoken zionists, even in cases where those same people are also outspoken antisemites and even self identify as nazis, neo-nazis, or white supremacists. The ideologies ironically do not conflict like they seem they should, and I firmly push back against the insinuation that pointing this out is feeding into the israeli propaganda that says all jews are only safe as fellow colonisers in an occupied palestine, especially when zionists target non-zionist jews with particular ferocity.

Ultimately, I'm unsure if either of us, as not just one, but two gentiles, are actually in an acceptable position to debate the broader appropriateness of this matter definitively, and how it pertains to the language that we use. But I do think it's remarkably important to pay mind to who we share words from, and how those words may come across, and exercise due caution to avoid missteps.

Among the people whos stances and words have informed my understanding of matters as detailed above, I have seen a remarkable amount of jews themselves liken zionism--and the methods of genocide the israeli occupation implements--to nazis, nazism, and the holocaust, calling to attention their own familial trauma and experiences while doing so, as well as detailing the massive slap in the face it is to all jews for the israeli occupation to weaponise judaism while committing acts of such incredible depravity, especially in cases where defenders of and active participants in zionist violence continue to say "never again". But this very well could be one of those things where it's okay for some people to say, and not others-- and as in cases like the OP of that post, there is a clear problem with someone saying that while also partaking in blatant antisemitism. I'm not sure, as it's not something that everyone most affected are likely to agree on collectively, but I don't think that everyone who makes these comparisons is inherently operating in bad taste, have intentions of malice, or are throwing around words carelessly. I want to make it abundantly clear that I am not out here saying "well I'M going to be saying it, because if they did it then it's ok for me to" or anything of the sort-- because I'm not, and I don't feel it'd be an appropriate response reflective of our conversation's goals. With such an issue, I think it's important to recognise as much nuance as possible, while also treading as carefully as possible, in any given situation, and to carefully examine sources for potential prejudice that alter the overall message being conveyed and the wording used, which are all things that drastically changed the perception of the initial OP's post, and I do want to stress that I am thankful for you bringing that to my attention

[joe-moi]

❗️FLIGHT OF ICARUS SPOILERS❗️

Do not read if you don't want the entire plot of the book to be ruined for you!

Eddie's mom died when he was 6 and his dad left when he was 8.

When Al left, Eddie waited by the window for days waiting for him to come back, because he couldn’t believe his dad would leave.

Wayne finally figured out what was going on and tried to take Eddie in, but Eddie refused because he was afraid when his dad did come back, that he wouldn’t know where Eddie was if he lived with Wayne.

Wayne still cares for Eddie and buys him food despite Eddie living in a house in an entirely different area.

Al Munson returns sporadically in Eddie’s life but never stays. 

Eddie meets Ronnie in the trailer park when he was young. Her dad died and her mom was in sick. She lives with her grandma.

Eddie and Ronnie are very close, to the point where Eddie assumed they were dating and tried to kiss her before Ronnie tells them she doesn’t have romantic feelings for anyone and never has. It's implied that she's ace. (I know a lot of people think that means she's queer, but I got ace from that context.)

Ronnie is very smart and actually gets into NYU to become a lawyer. So she graduates and leaves at the end of the year. 

Gareth is a freshman, who didn’t have any friends and joined hellfire to make friends, despite never having played D&D. Eddie helps him find himself and actually get excited about playing.

Gareth also is a main target for the jocks bullying. Eddie catches Tommy, some other guy and Jason beating Gareth up. Chrissy was there watching it happen and tried to get Jason to leave AFTER she noticed Eddie. 

Eddie remembers bonding with Chrissy at the talent show because he was wishing his dad would’ve been there and she was wishing her mom wasn’t. 

Eddie works as a bar back at the hideout in exchange for little money and being able to play with Corroded Coffin there.

He is performing with Corroded Coffin when he notices Paige watching. He says she's the only one who's actually paying attention to the music.

Paige says she remembers him from the talent show and she graduated two years ago and works for a record label as a junior scout. 

Eddie immediately has a crush on her. 

Eddie mentions having kissed two girls before. One named Nicole and one named Cass. Both girls didn’t like him that much, they just wanted to brag that they hooked up with the Freak.

His nickname at school is “King Freak” (I think this is a nod to King Steve, both kings in their own way) 

Eddie’s dad shows up and claims he owes $10,000 in gambling debt. He wants Eddie’s help stealing weed and selling it because Eddie is the only one he trusts. 

Eddie is reluctant to help because although he loves his dad (reluctantly so), he’s tired of people comparing them. People in town frequently call him “junior” which he hates.

He has a run in with principal Higgins who essentially asks him why he’s still around and tells him that he’s just holding his friends back. Specifically Ronnie.

Eddie convinces Paige to send a demo of Corroded Coffin to her boss. She agrees but says it’s going to cost money. 

Eddie decides to help out his dad if he can get $5000 out of it to record the demo and move to California. 

Eddie and his dad meet Reefer Rick and after some debate, Rick decides to buy the stolen weed from them once they have it. He also tells Eddie that if/when his dad runs out on him, he has a job with Rick selling weed.

Eddie and Paige go to a recording studio and Eddie opens up about his mom. He says his mom taught him to love music, and she used her albums as plane tickets to escape Hawkins in some way. He also mentions his dad taught him to play guitar, but his mom taught him about music. 

Eddie and Corroded Coffin record a demo along with a video of them playing their single. Paige sends them to her boss. 

Back at school Eddie tries to break up another fight where the jocks (Jason, Tommy and the other one) are beating up Gareth and Gareth breaks his wrist in the process. They are all called into the office and principal Higgins blackmails Eddie into dropping out by threatening him with writing to NYU to tell them Ronnie got into a fight and showing him a letter from one of the hellfire club members moms explaining it was a satanic cult and that she pulled her son out of school and moved far away to keep him away from Eddie. 

Paige finds Eddie working and tells him her boss wants to meet only him and not the band. And that Eddie has something special and could be a rock star. 

Paige and Eddie drive out into secluded Hawkins where she gives him a blowie. Over the next several days it is implied they fuck a lot. 

Eddie and his dad have a little bonding moment over their love for Eddie's mom, who we find out was named Elizabeth. Together, they drink his parent's wedding wine.

Eddie and his dad manage to pull off a heist by stealing weed off a transport truck driving from Oregon to Maryland. Eddie ends up doing most of the work because his dad makes him and meets the two guys who are driving the truck across the country.

He and his dad sell the weed to Rick. And Eddie gets $5000 while his dad gets $10,000. They decide to both move to California and start new lives together.

Eddie begins packing up all of his belongings and goes to make amends with Ronnie who he had gotten in a fight with because he dropped out of school. And she refuses to see him. He then tries to say goodbye to Wayne and they end up getting in a fight about his dad but Wayne is still supportive.

The last night in Hawkins, the two guys who were driving the transport truck show up at Eddie's house. They demand that Eddie and his dad give them the weed back, and they say that they sold it, and Al gives them his part of the money.

Eddie then finds out that his dad didn't just randomly pick this truck to steal off of. The two men that were driving the truck are actually his old accomplices. And he lied to Eddie about who he owed money to and who they were stealing from. Eddie's dad was actually working with their boss and decided he wasn't getting enough of a cut, so he took matters into his own hands and tried to get more money by selling their stolen weed.

The two men threaten Eddie and his dad by shooting off the gun in the house. And then one of them sets fire to the living room, destroying all of Eddie's dad's stuff and all of Eddie's mom's stuff. Including her records.

Outside of the house while it’s on fire, the cops show up. One of the drug dealers shoots the cop in his side, and then they flee.

Eddie’s dad tries to convince Eddie to run away from the scene with him before more cops get there because he thinks they'll arrest them both. But Eddie refuses and decides to stay to make sure that the cop is okay. Eddie’s dad then gets in Eddie’s van and drives off leaving Eddie behind, telling Eddie he'll leave his van somewhere just outside of Hawkins.

Eddie is arrested and thrown into jail for the night. He makes his one phone call to Paige to tell her that he’s not coming. And he doesn’t exactly explain why but tells her that he’s in jail. She's very upset and tells him that this wasn’t only his big break but also hers and basically implies that he has fucked everything up for her. The last thing she says to him is "fuck you."

Hopper comes to talk to Eddie and explains to him that he did the right thing by staying to help the cop and that he’s not his dad. He says that he’s better than his dad. And he has a chance now to turn his life around so that he doesn’t end up in the same way.

Wayne shows up to get Eddie out of jail, and Eddie learns that Paige was the one who paid his bail.

Wayne offers Eddie to stay in his trailer with him and shows him that he managed to save most of Eddie's stuff from the burnt house including his guitar. Eddie asks if Wayne has heard from his dad and Wayne tells him no. Al never comes back for Eddie.

When Eddie realizes that Wayne is having money problems, he goes back to Rick and tells him that he will work with him selling drugs. During this conversation, Eddie notices little blue pill containers that Rick tells him are benzos. 

Eddie goes to a record shop to start replacing his mom's records that he lost in the fire. And when he’s there he runs into Jonathan and Will. Jonathan goes into the back room leaving Will out front, and when people come in to start picking on Will and calling him zombie boy, Eddie stands up for him. He then asks Will if he's ever played D&D and when Will says yes, Eddie tells him that he should check out hellfire club when he’s in school. He then asks Jonathan if he smokes weed, and when Jonathan says no, Eddie says let me know if that changes.

The last thing that Eddie needs to do is repair his relationship with Ronnie. He goes to the school to find her and goes to the principal’s office, and tells him that he’s re-enrolling in school. He then threatens principal Higgins, because he had seen one of the blue pill containers in Higgins’s office and blackmails him into allowing Eddie to come back to school and to keep hellfire alive.

He and Ronnie meet back up and he apologizes for everything that he had done and tells her that he’s staying in Hawkins to take care of the sheep. He offers her a ride home, and then she declines when she sees the jocks beating up another kid. He goes up to them to be king freak and defend the kid while Ronnie leaves to go home and eventually go to New York.

TLDR; Eddie Munson has daddy issues and a super tragic life and everyone he's ever loved leaves him (except for Wayne who is written exactly like every AO3 fanfic ever. Also Eddie Munson fucks.)