#and that the generation of women after me will deal with a lot less pressure

[freebooter4ever]

Hey thanks I thought I was the only one who didn’t like the joke. Everyone laughed yuck

Ahhhhh yeah :/ i thought the joke was definitely funny, but with that harsh twinge of sadness at just how normalized and accepted this sort of sexism STILL is.

' i was never good at telling jokes but the punchline goes, i get older but your lovers stay my age '

And its not necessarily a damnation of the man himself - obviously rami is a favorite of mine but i dont think hes ever dated anyone over 30 and is veering towards jake and leo disease too, and i still think rami is one of the most brilliant character narrative builders in the business currently - but its a damnation of a culture that treats romantic partners not as equals but as disposable play things with an expiration date. Look, i got flirted with by much older guys in pittsburgh all the time - usually it was cute, they were friendly, very complimentary and flattering about it, and they never treated it seriously or asked me out. Then i came to LA and the difference was night and day. Older (rich) men here feel entitled to younger women in a way that is frankly scary - at one point in a bar when a guy in his 60s was hitting on me my muscular male friend had to physically step between us and scare the guy off to get him to go away.

And it doesn't help that im sort of in the 'one of the guys' category, so i've heard the way these super rich dudes talk about the models they date behind their back while hanging with 'the guys', and, ugh, its not nice. I will say one thing for sports dudes - i imagine guys like ja*gr have way more respect for young women who are passionate about health and fitness than computer science executives.

But there's negatives in the sports world too - yall know how much i adore taylor. But even i recognize that she's not 'sports bro hot' - she doesn't have silicone, her make up is understated, she doesn't have that social media defined 'hotness' that sports fan dudes expect their sports heroes to date. So while i was naively scrolling insta looking for cute snapshots of taylor and travis being all lovey dovey at the end of the game, a good half the comments were men complaining about her. Saying they cant understand why travis is dating someone so old, that she will never be able to give him kids, that she's already showing her age (both of them are 34 btw). So far travis seems to ignore these types of comments but it would be hard to judge him for giving into peer pressure because this stuff is just so prevelant and exhausting.

And it does effect us older women - while i was dating Pilot Boy i was absolutely hyper aware of the fact that here is this rich, handsome, successful, and extremely smart guy dating beneath him. Like we bonded over being literally the same age - we had mutual friends in college without even knowing it. But i was always questioning like what does this guy see in me - why isn't he dating a gorgeous 25 year old whose only goal in life is to live on the beach with him??? Like he was honestly more the type of dude i would be friends with while he dates hotter women, lol. So i really was not surprised when he ended things (i was mostly sad that we couldnt stay friends and continue geeking out on airplanes and history together LOL), it just felt like it made sense, of course he wouldn't be serious about me, a guy like him should be dating a fresh, youthful, less bitter and cynical 25 yr old blonde. Six years in LA and this is just the pattern i see repeating itself over and over.

And im the romantic - when i fall in love its ALL in. Usually it's personality, usually its intellectual - that comfort in finding someone who just understands how you think. I love being so close to someone that you know them better than yourself, that you can communicate wordlessly. Shared humor, shared experience. As i age im learning that i actually dont pay much attention to the signs of aging when it comes to attraction - who notices wrinkles when what you're in love with is that look in their eye when they smile at you? The mental connection between romantic partners is the most important for me in my book. For me this typically means someone within the ten year range plus or minus - though i prefer it even within a five year age gap.

[hannie-dul-set]

EXTENSION: AN UNLIKELY FANMEETING.

p — LEE JENO x female! reader. g — gang leader! jeno, actress! reader, humor, tension tension tension, jeno realizes his type in women after getting kidnapped by his celebrity crush. w — swearing, kidnapping, crime in general. 1.4k words.

note — part 2 to an unlikely fanmeeting. to the anon who said that they envisioned eric from tbz as the ex boyfriend, this one's for u. enjoy.

a swoosh on the top. a loop at the bottom. two slopes intersecting before breaking of to scratch a little heart at the tail end. the ink is red. it’s always red.

“is this all?”

you remove the cardstock from the table, and with a sharp movement you snap your arm straight, presenting it to him. jeno looks at your signature— with the pretty loops and all, but he smacks his tongue in disappointment. there’s an impatient twitch on your brow as you eye him, waiting seated on the other side of your desk. jeno snatches the autographed card, “of course not," then tucks it into the chest pocket of his no longer damp shirt.

there’s a clench of your jaw, a tightening of your stare. your eyes stopped quivering even since starting the deal. a shame, because jeno had a lot of fun backing you into a corner.

still, he likes seeing you mad too— sharp gaze, knitted brows, lips on the verge of a sneer— almost foreign to the gentle and sweet expressions natural to your features. there’s no mix of melancholic blue like when you’re acting out a scene. this one’s impersonal, like you’ve got no shits to give. it’s red. all red.

jeno prefers red.

he leans a little closer. your annoyance shifts to suspicion. he rests an arm on your desk, shifting his weight to it. a single tap on the stack of blank cardstock. “i need a couple bit more,” he says, a quirk of the lips. “my boys like you a lot, too.”

a pause. then a sigh. you roll your eyes and shoo him off your personal space with a wave, to which he hums and obediently follows, and while the scratches of pen against paper fill your office space, jeno takes the once in a lifetime opportunity to snoop around a celebrity’s room.

the whole is flushed with dark mahogany, a singular lamp illuminating the area from the ceiling. there’s a case lined with countless trophies and plaques and certificates and awards. there’s a wall with a giant poster of your face on it. he flits his eyes over to you on the desk, blank faced as you sign each layer of cardstock one by one like a machine, then back to the bigger version of your face on the wall, smiley-eyed and innocent.

there’s a laugh trying to claw out of his throat. he spins his heels and returns to your desk.

“wait," he says, interrupting you from finishing the last card on the pile. your hand jerks to a stop. you look up at him, what now? on your expression. jeno is pretty sure he’s done a negative amount of good things to deserve seeing all these different kinds of faces from you. “can you put park jisung on that one?”

“what?”

“nice kid. a little clumsy. good with the bat,” jeno answers and you look like you could care less. “he cried three times watching sunwater. give him a little treat.”

you, once again, let out a exhale and continue writing with a rather aggressive scribble, ending the note with a pressure-pointed dot in the bottom right corner. “happy?” you deride.

he hums, “that’s not the attitude of someone who wants something from me,” and slides the stack of cards to his side of the desk, collecting it between his hands and slides them in between each other with a shuffle. “but anyhow, let’s get to talking.”

“finally.”

three loud taps on the table as he sets down the autographed cards. jeno takes the plush seat in front of your desk and drags it closer.

“you want us to abduct your ex boyfriend.” you affirm. “who is it? the eric sohn guy i keep seeing you on the news with?” a look of judgement overrides your expression. jeno simply shrugs. you can’t blame him for the fact that your face and name is everywhere.

“whatever,” you sigh. “anyway, yes, i want that bitch back here. he ran away to japan after i caught him fucking shin yona two days before our god damned anniversary.”

“damn. his loss.” 

“the fucker knows i can’t run after him because my schedule is packed this week. one of which is an ad shoot with the bitch yona, by the way. if she doesn’t pull out voluntarily, i’ll see to it that she does.”

you sure do swear quite a lot. “i think i’ve seen her before. was it firefly? i don’t know, that movie was crap.”

again, with the look of heavy judgement. makes him want to keep egging you on on purpose.

“i get it that you’re a fan, but this isn’t a god damned fanmeeting, you know.”

jeno looks at you, a ghost of a grin on his lips. “does your company know you act like this?” 

“of course not, how’d you think i stayed in the industry for so long if i don’t know how to act fake,” you roll your eyes. “back to the point. eric sohn. japan. can you bring him back here?”

“consider it done,” he says. his phone is out. you returned his shit earlier after wrapping things up in the basement. he then keys in a couple texts to a few contacts, eyes flickering between you and the screen. “and then what do you want? how badly do you wanna see him ruined? a few broken ribs and bruises? ‘til his face is unrecognizable? or—”

jeno closes his phone and drops it back into his pocket. he leans forward to get a better look at your face. 

his voice is low, quiet, and hushed, yet pulls down the air into the ground with a gravity heavier than that of the earth’s.

“want him dead?” 

silence permeates the room. he can’t read the thoughts running inside your pretty little head— save for the inkling that you don’t find his last suggestion the very least bit appealing.

“are you stupid? don’t you dare fucking touch him.”

your voice is aghast— offended. well, what did he expect. you might’ve acted the entire night like you had little to no regard to violence and the law— sending a bunch of men to kidnap him and all and waking up tied in a shady basement inside your own home, a few suspicious materials here and there, that’s got him thinking you’ve got graver intentions than a simple splash of water and a probably slap in the face.

“i only asked you to bring him to me and nothing more. don’t get ahead of yourself.”

but maybe there’s still a line that you you’re not willing to cross. 

“what’s the point if i don’t get to fuck him up myself?”

jeno feels a rattle in his bones.

he drills his eyes into you— your face, devoid of any jest or hint of hesitation. it’s all red and raw reprehension.

“what? the hell are you staring at?”

the words tumble out of his lips before he knows it.

“think you could let me watch?”

there’s a pause. it’s cold and quiet in your office. you’re looking at him like he just desecrated your parents graves. in jeno’s defense, you put the image in his head and his mouth doesn't have the safety on. when he doesn’t take it back, you sigh, place a set of fingers on your temple, and say, “get the job done first before making any extra requests.” 

well, that’s not a no at the very least.

“i’ve already made my payment so you better see to it that you accomplish your end of the deal.”

eyes flicker to the thin stack of autographed cards. he gets up from the chair with a rattle and takes it off the desk. “you sure about this, doll?” he asks, gaze flitting back to your face. “if word gets out, you’d be pretty much kissing your career goodbye, you know.” and after receiving your payment, he sets his arms down on the surface, leaning forward, grabbing taking out the red pen you’ve been using and scribbling his contact information on a spare sheet of paper.

he drops the pen with a clatter and takes a look at your expression.

“that’s fifteen years down the drain.”

you look like you’re tired of his shit.

“if word gets out that means you’re crap at your job,” you sneer, slapping your hand over the note as he finished writing. you slide it over to you with a screech. “didn’t you say you could handle this better than the incompetent fucks that brought you here?”

you’re looking up at him like you’re looking down, eyes snapped up, expectant and unforgiving.

jeno puts his hands up in a surrender, a sliver of a smile playing on his lips.

“you got it.”

AN UNLIKELY FANMEETING. © hannie-dul-set, 2024.

[tgmsunmontue]

Online & Anonymous 3/16

Hangster. Explicit. Years before they meet in person Bradley and Jake strike up a friends-with-benefits relationship online. And then something more like an actual relationship.

Odd year = Bradley's POV and Even year = Jake's POV

>>Bradley chatting (bold and italics)

>>Jake chatting (italics)

2005/2006 2007

2008 – Jake

                Flight school.

                Four years at USNA and now he’s back in Texas, the familiarity seeping into him like a homecoming and part of him cannot believe he made it into flight school. Not that he’ll let anyone else think he had any doubt, but he is inwardly fist pumping, outwardly trying to pretend it’s no big deal. He doesn’t care if it comes off smug, he does feel a little smug, that he obviously good enough to have been selected. Damn it feels good. And also such a relief.

                He’s good enough.

                He wants to share it with Nick. Doesn’t of course. While he trusts Nick with pretty much every little piece of vulnerability when it’s related to his sexuality and experience in that arena, his career is shaping up to be another huge part of his identity and he doesn’t need help or guidance from a guy on a website on how to best work on this aspect of his life. He feels like he’s got this one. After a few months though he decides to share, in a vague way, because he’s been getting comments from his instructors.

                Approval.

                He’s doing well.

>>You ever accomplish something that people didn’t think you could do?

>>That even you maybe didn’t think you could do?

>>HA.

>>Yes.

>>Feels fucking amazing to prove them wrong.

                Jake grins at the screen, wants to tell him about how amazing it is, being in the air. How much he loves it, the rush of the pressure pushing him back into the seat as he takes off. The

>>I got into my first choice of programme. So yeah.

>>Does feel pretty good.

>>Well done. Proud of you.

>>Thanks.

>>Think you maybe need to believe in yourself more.

>>Maybe.

>>My parents didn’t.

>>Don’t.

                He hasn’t talked about his parents with Nick. Talking about your parents generally doesn’t come up when your jerking off with another guy online, but they talk about a lot of different stuff now and it fits with this right now. He feels like Nick might get it.

>>I came out to them and they kicked me out.

>>Oh shit. I’m sorry.

>>I mean, it’s not a competition but my parents are dead so I can understand that feeling of loss I guess? Like they should be around to support me, but they aren’t.

>>Sucks more for you I think. They’re alive and are just bigots.

>>I was lucky to already have a place to go.

>>I’m extra proud of you.

                Pensacola is a different beast than boat school, everyone seems to be a little smug that they made the cut to be there, and Jake lets himself absorb the culture. He tries sleeping with a woman only to find that he can apparently have worse sexual experiences than his first time with a man, and of course he finds himself messaging Nick.

>>Bad sex with a man is still preferable than bad sex with a woman.

>>You give in to peer pressure and hook up huh?

>>How did you know?

>>Been there, done that. Got the tshirt.

>>As a gay man I have to tell you that even bad sex with a man rates above mediocre sex with a woman.

>>Why do people care so much where you want to stick your dick?

>>I like that rhyme. And I have no fucking clue. Mystery. It’s not like gay people haven’t always existed.

>>I’ve got a friend, female friend, who knows I’m gay, and she let’s me use her as a beard sometimes. Everyone thinks we have an on-again off-again fuck-buddies type thing going on.

>>So you’re still not out to people.

>>Nope. Would make work impossible so I just –

>>Hide in plain sight.

>>Huh. I wonder if I could get one of my friends to cover for me.

>>A lot less women in the military. Good luck I guess?

>>Well. I think one of my friends might just lie for me. Tell others that he saw me leaving with a hot chick or something. He’s the best wingman.

                He stares at the message, wishes he could call it back.

                Delete it.

                It’s too close to home.

                Wingman.

>>Definitely need a good wingman if you’re planning on cruising. You got bigger balls then me if you’re going to try and do it while you’re not on leave.

>>Are you sure that’s safe?

>>It’s not like they’re following me and putting cameras in rooms. I just need to be careful. Although so not worth it most of the time. But it would be kind of nice to have the option if it did present itself.

>>Yeah, I’m sure guys are just falling into your lap in the military.

>>I mean, they might be and I’m just not picking up the signs. They’re probably so repressed they wouldn’t be any good anyway.

>>I’ll leave that for you to find out.

>>Not sure if I should be wishing you luck or telling you to be careful.

                Jake isn’t sure either. He probably not going to risk it.

…            …            …

                It’s not always possible for them to have instant communication. He gets interrupted sometimes, or Nick isn’t available for days at a time, sometimes weeks, and his own schedule is erratic. However he’s always had time, made time, to chat with him since they found each other and he doesn’t have so many close friends that he can afford to ignore one.

                “What are you always doing on your laptop?” Javy asks and Jake feels like time freezes around him for a split second. Javy is one of the few people he’d count as a friend, his easy-going nature dealing with Jake’s prickliness effortlessly, seemingly patient and just waiting for Jake to come around. They were at USNA together and it wasn’t until they shared all their third- and second-class summers together that Jake had thought that maybe they could be friends.

                “Talking with a friend. He travels a lot.”

                He feels like it’s not actually a stretch of the truth, because he’s figured out that Nick moves around, the times he can talk inconsistent, meaning different times zones. He’s always assumed that Nick is American, but now he knows that the website they’re using to chat is actually based in England, and for all he knows Nick could be anywhere in the world.

>>Are you American?

>>Will you stop talking to me if I say no?

>>Of course not.

>>I’m shaking my head at you. You’re meant to be all patriotic being a member of our military. Shouldn’t be communicating with the enemy.

>>You just called it our military. Pretty sure you’re American.

>>Caught out. Yeah. I travelled around a lot as a kid. Tennessee, California, Virginia, Maryland and even Texas. Who knows, we could have walked past each other and never even known.

>>Yeah. We could have. That would be a weird coincidence.

                “You know, if you ever want to tell me something, I’m pretty good at keeping secrets.”

                Jake’s head snaps up so fast he’s surprised there isn’t an accompanying sound.

                “What?”

                “Just. Uh. I know if there was something, you can’t tell me. But if you did, and I’m not asking you to, but if you did, I wouldn’t be letting anyone else know. No telling on my part, that is.”

                He blinks.

                Holy shit.

                That’s pretty much Javy saying he knows, or at least suspects, that Jake is… something other than straight.

                “Just, once second. Just let me say bye…”

>>I think I’m about to come out to a guy who is my best friend in real life, because you’re my best friend in not-real life, plus we have sex and I do not want to ever have sex with J, but uh… I think I might be sick.

>>I’ll talk to you soon.

                His conversation with Javy goes around in circles for a little bit, Javy not willing to ask outright, and Jake unprepared to speak the truth; terrified to voice it. Then Javy gets fed up, places his hands on Jake’s shoulders and just stares at him, expression serious.

                “Jake. You’re the closest thing I have to a brother. There is nothing, nothing,” he stresses, “that would make me stop loving you as my brother and best friend. So, if in some hypothetical world you felt brave enough to tell me that you were… gay, then it wouldn’t change anything for me. I just. I got your back no matter what okay?”

                Jake can’t form words, grabs Javy into a tight hug, he’s biting his lip so hard it hurts, might even be drawing blood and he nods.

                “Thank you.”

                “Any time man. You want to go shoot some pool?”

                Jake lets out a shaky breath and nods again.

                They spend several hours together, in which Javy seems to want to really impress upon Jake that nothing is going to change between them. He still uses his body to shove Jake out of the way when he shows Javy up at pool, still slaps his ass in a vain attempt to distract him while playing darts, grabs them beers and doesn’t pull his fingers away when they accidentally brush like Jake is somehow going to take that as a sign of something more. He can have friends that know and they won’t hate him.

                It’s a revelation.

…            …            …

>>How did it go?

>>I’m kind of worried about you.

>>Hope you haven’t done anything stupid.

>>Or been beaten up.

>>Dishonorable discharge.

>>Fuck Jas, please tell me you’re okay.

                Jake stares at the flood of messages and feels touched, but also a little hysterical, because none of those worse case scenarios are going to happen. He trusts Javy with his life, he can definitely trust him with knowing.

>>I’m okay. Sorry.

>>It was fine. He had pretty much guessed and we talked about it. He’s the best.

>>After you.

>>Glad to know I haven’t been replaced.

>>I appreciated you for the orgasms.

>>Oh. Okay. Putting me back in my place.

>>Prefer you to put me in my place.

>>Really now? You in the mood huh?

>>Yeah.

>>Fuck. This is awful timing. I’ve got to leave in like five minutes.

>>Can’t take care of you like I want to.

>>That’s okay. You can go out and do what you need to do, and while you’re out you can think about me, jerking off as I type out what I want to do to you.

>>Unfair.

>>Hot though.

>>Shit. I’ve really got to go. I look forward to reading whatever you leave me.

                Jake grins, a little nervous. He’s gotten better at this, anything he does regularly for a few years becomes better, but he doesn’t know if it’s good. Not without Nick offering his constant feedback. He always finds what they talk about together the best, but Nick has left him plenty of messages that are just descriptions of what he wants and likes that Jake wants to return the favor.

>>I want to go down on you, suck you off until you come. I want to kneel in front of you and take my time, learn the taste and smell of you. The texture of your skin under my tongue and fingers.

>>I want to do it while I’m in my uniform, because that feels taboo you know? Want you to rub the head of your dick over my lips.

>>Want you naked so I can touch everywhere.

>>I start off slow, a little cautious because I want you to fuck my face, but we’re going to need to build up to that, stretch out my mouth and throat a little, let me gets used to the feel of you in my mouth and throat.

>>I really want to do this. I’m hard just thinking about it. Like the idea of your hand on my head, just guiding me, think I’d enjoy fingernails scraping my head.

>>I want to do this with a guy with no condom, I want to taste the skin and salt. I want that trust as well.

>>I’d trust you.

2009

[omniblades-and-stars]

OC Deep Dive Tag

I was tagged by @writernopal, thank you dear!

I'll tag in return @thetrashbagswasteland, @gemsbokk, @stormikins, @outpost51, @mushroommanchanterelle, and @sparatus.

I'll do this for Lou and then maybe my brain will allow me to write again.

What common/uncommon fear do they have?

I don't think she really has any uncommon fears. I think a lot of people are afraid of being alone. It seems like something that wouldn't come up very often, but the fear and panic she gets when restrained in any form (beyond a hug) is well and away much worse than what you might expect if she is put in handcuffs or even if someone grabs her arms. It's definitely a trauma thing.

Do they have any pet peeves?

Oh she can't stand messy or disorganized work areas and homes. She keeps her thoughts to herself when she's at someone else's place, but she can get snippy and overwhelmed if her workbenches are in disarray or people don't clean up after themselves in her home.

What are 3 items you can find in their bedroom?

Paperback harlequin romance novel, datapad with schematics for her omni-tools to ponder over as she falls asleep, wooden duck that her dad whittled for her when she was a kid.

What do they notice first in a person?

Eyes, what kind of tech are they wearing (can she nerd out with them), and she's definitely noticing if they have beefy, muscular arms. She's into that.

On a scale from 1-10, how high is their pain tolerance?

This one's difficult for me to answer. She gets hurt ... a lot. It fucking hurts when she does. But she's the type that will push through tremendous amounts of pain when necessary. So I guess high? But she's not going to lie and say something doesn't hurt. It's just that it hurting is less important than like meeting her goals or surviving a life or death situation.

Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure?

Oh Lou is a fighter in general. She'd rather get her ass kicked and say she stood in the face of danger, injustice, or assholery and spat at it than run away. She's not entirely without self-preservation instinct, but she gets riled up and will step into extremely unfair fights when she does.

Do they come from a big family/are they a family person?

Her family isn't terribly large. She has one sibling (and she considers her brother-in-law just as good as a blood born brother), her mom who she has a terrible and complicated relationship with, and her dad who just passed away. She has a handful of aunts and uncles too. This is a tough question to answer because she WANTS her family to be a bigger part of her life, but her mom tries to play gatekeeper to the rest, and Lou is very avoidant at dealing with her mother.

What animal represents them best?

Oh this is a great question that I had not put a ton of thought into. My first instinct is raccoon, and here's why: raccoons are very adaptable and a little sneaky, and also they are clever, intelligent little animals. I think that Lou uses her own talents to tackle problems and her profession in unusual and creative ways. She can crack it out (it being surviving and learning to flourish) in all sorts of places and situations despite coming from smaller means in a middle of nowhere town. Also I think raccoons are cute and so is Lou.

What is a smell they dislike?

She really, really doesn't like the smell of seafood.

Have they broken any bones?

Oh for sure. When she was about 10 years, she fell off the monkey bars and crushed her wrist like soda can. She's not suffered any other big fractures, but has broken a toe or two as well.

How would a stranger likely describe them?

Most people would find her unassuming, maybe attractive or cute if they're into human women. If they talk to her, they would think she's very personable and talkative.

Are they a night owl, or morning bird?

Oh, she tends towards night-owling, but her sleep schedule is all over the place (frequent travel to other star systems, stations and planets will do that to you.) Her sleep habits are certainly intensely unhealthy.

What’s a flavor they hate and a flavor they love?

Seafood again, especially salmon. She just doesn't like it. She really loves the flavor of a good fruit tea.

Do they have any hobbies?

She likes rebuilding old guns, she reads romance novels in her free time, and she does a little bit of sewing.

Boom, surprise birthday party! How do they react to surprise?

Oh she's into it! She loves a party, she loves a surprise. And she would be thrilled that her friends thought to do that for her.

Do they like to wear jewellery?

Lou is pretty "meh" about jewelry. She'll wear it if she's dressing up, but by and large, she just doesn't bother. She prefers cute outfits and neat tech.

Do they have neat or messy handwriting?

Her handwriting is very neat. It's very compact and all caps.

What are the two emotions they feel the most?

Hmmm, grief and anxiety.

Do they have a favourite fabric?

Whatever they make the light armor flexible suits out. She's fascinated by the engineering that went into that. And enjoys having a suit made out of it. For actual just feeling, she's a big fan of a light linen.

What kind of accent do they have?

She's got that good-good southern American accent. Sometimes she plays it up if she thinks she can use it to her advantage, but it's always there.

[hacash]

no pressure to explain or expand but i am so curious about the giving the queen flowers thing

So to give you context, every major anniversary/Jubilee year for the British royals, they do one of these country-wide tours which largely consist of seeing local attractions and saying 'oh, how very interesting' before wandering around saying hello to the commoners. I was a kid during the 50th Jubilee, and because this was in the early 2000s there had been a lot less conversation about the general awfulness of the monarchy in the general culture over here, so there was far more of a big deal made - and, most importantly, we all got the day off from school. And no matter your political views, any ten year old will swear political allegiance to a bedbug if it means a day off.

Anyway, on this particular day the Queen was coming to our hometown: I had the option of going with the other kids in an organised school group to see the procession, or going with my parents and gran to see if we could get a better view independently. I obviously chose the option which involved getting away from my teachers for a day so we hung around outside the abbey (a bloody big church, for non-UK readers) for a while waiting for her to come along, and we managed to get at the very forefront of the crowd mainly because my grandma was an eighty-something year old Welsh lady at the time, and no way was anyone gonna stop her from seeing the Queen up close. (For context, old women of that generation viewed royalty the way you might view your most ridiculous guilty-pleasure celebrity gossip: you may love them, you may hate them, but you're damn well going to get involved either way.)

Because we were at the front, my dad bought a bunch of flowers for me to give, because that seemed the Nice Thing to do. Unfortunately everyone else in the crowd had the same idea, so he could only find a bunch of painfully wilted newspaper-shop flowers, which even then I found pretty embarrassing, but there you go.

Anyway, after the Queen had stopped saying 'how interesting' she came out and walked down the line of people, and it was all Very Exciting. I gave her my pathetic bunch of flowers, and she said thank you and moved on, and that was that. My mother, still to this day, insists that I got a particularly warm smile and that she must have really liked my sad wilted gift, which is a very Mum thing to say and is absolutely not true. But I did appreciate the fact that she didn't actively flinch at being given a handful of half-dead peonies with half the petals falling off, so it was certainly an experience.

(Honestly, it's not anything I would bother with now, but it was a fun experience at the time - and our local news team interviewed us afterwards so I was a celebrity at school for, like, a day and a half. Which arguably was way more fun.)

[i-am-minty-fresh]

Topic Essay

Fandom: One Piece

Topic: Love and Romantic Attraction

One of the major things about One Piece that draws me, and I think a lot of people, into it is its weird lack of emphasis regarding romantic partners. This isn't to say that One Piece is without romance, Usopp and Kaya being a good example, but the way that the concept of relationships are handled in One Piece is really unique.

Let's go about this in, by far, the most annoying way possible which is to go character by character

(Obviously Spoilers Ahead!!!!)

Luffy: While I could talk about Luffy's character for the rest of my life, lets focus on the way that Oda handles him interacting with other people, specfically women. The first potential character Oda could have lazily set up with Luffy is Nami, who first meet in episode 5 with the introduction of the Buggy Pirates. Luffy helps her purely on accident after Nami throws him under the bus, and in exchange Nami finds some food for him and decides that they should work together for a bit. Later Nami saves him from the buggy ball, not because she likes him but because she hates pirates. Their relationship forms into a sort of allience as she follows him finding other members of his crew, all the while Luffy refers to her as their navigator. Nami referances her sexual apeal constantly whether to trick other pirates or to help her cut a deal, but Luffy pays it no mind. He never referances it and seems to not even really know what it means. He treats her like he does the rest of his crew and even with the introduction of the Arlong Arc, you never feel like he's doing it because he has some ulterior motive...he believes in freedom and loyality. Nami has already proved her loyality to him when they first met (as far as he knows) and by joining his crew she doesn't become his navigator, she becomes one of Luffy's precious treasures that he will protect with his life...no matter if she never navigates again.

The best example of this is with the Boa Hancock scene where he sees her naked and doesn't even react at all. He's not interested in her. He excepts her help and respects her, but to him...she is one of his friends and nothing else.

Zoro: This one is gonna be much easier. Kuina could have been a crush, a childish one, but a crush none-the-less. Instead, though, she became his older sister, or mentor. Her dream became his dream and he fights for that dream every day. He's aware of the attraction that Nami, Robin, and Boa have but it's never interesting to him. The most flustered he ever really seems to get is around Tashigi, which is because she looks exactly like Kuina, but is nothing like her. They are two sides of the same sword-weliding coin, but there aren't butterflies, but tension.

Sanji: Okay this one might be a bit hard to explain. He follows around Nami, Robin, and every other female character constantly expressing his undying love for them...but not really. If Sanji is a play on the chivalrous gentleman trope, then it stands to reason the Whole Cake Arc should end with him generally expressing his undying love for Pudding, outside of the pressures of his family…but that didn’t happen. It’s up for debate whether or not Sanji loves Pudding as she does erase his memory after kissing him, but he respects her as a pastry chef and still seeks to protect her. Sanji’s protection regarding women might come from his relationship with his Mom and Sister. They both protected him from violence and he returns the favor by protecting all women no matter what. He’s the character most aware of the attractive nature of his crew mates but never breaches personal space. He’s extra nice, without being extra creepy. (In my opinion Robin benefits the most from this, being someone who is always seen as this unstoppable demon from hell…but Sanji feeling the need to protect her, must feel nice. Being treated like something fragile and precious, but still powerful has got to be a fun change of pace, but I’ll look into this more later).

Usopp: I know I’m going out of order but whatever. Usopp’s is pretty easy too. He has a crush on Kaya but, like his dad, is a pirate at heart. Oda doesn’t mention this half as much as I think he should, but Usopp acknowledges attraction, but he just ignores it. He calls Boa a goddess for her beauty, but does nothing about it. Afterall he has a girl. Kaya. He acknowledges Nami’s seductive ploys, but in no other way than Luffy’s ridiculous plans.

Chopper: Literally a reindeer. Literally a sweet little boy. 

Robin: Similar to Usopp, she seems to acknowledge the attraction of others (and in very innocent ways, her crewmates), but sees it as nothing more than an observation. While Sanji dotes on her, she does nothing more than smile and thank him. She enjoys complementing her crewmates, but no more than a mother would (more on that in a later post).

Franky: Is considered a pervert for wearing a speedo, but other than that doesn’t do much else. Like Robin he will compliment his crewmates for looking SUPERRRR while also, like Usopp, commenting on how Nami uses her sexuality to get what she wants. Even the way that Kiwi and Mozu are handled, not as his sidechicks, but rather his second-in-commands.

Brook: Besides being a literal collection of bones wrapped in some, at times, truly ridiculous outfits, he’s also insane and also socially inept. He just gotta stop asking all the women he sees to show him their panties and then they’ll be good. 

Jimbei: … Wise Grandpa fish…

Conclusion: No one, besides Usopp, has a girlfriend to get back to. No one has a wife long lost. A lover who died too soon. No one is seeking revenge. Oda instead uses other storytelling methods to develop these complicated characters, like Loyalty and Trust and Respect. To create conflict Oda doesn’t so easily fall back into romance and attraction, specifically for the Strawhats and instead…I don’t know…Kills the characters family/friends, Blows up their entire island, Murders their previous crew, or Locks them in the basement with a steel mask over their face as a child…just to spitball some ideas. One Piece isn’t an anime about being in love, it’s about the unconditional way that Luffy expresses love and the crew that follows his lead.

[ridley-was-a-cat]

What I Watched This Week – 1/21 – 1/27

Campfire Cooking in Another World with My Absurd Skill – When the nominations were announced for the r/anime awards, I had only seen one out of the eight nominations in the slice of life category: Skip and Loafer. I’ve since watched Onimai, and tried to watch Masterful Cat, so this makes three completed. It had a steep uphill climb for me, as one of the things that annoys me the most about modern isekai is the tiresome obsession with Japanese food, and this is an isekai centered around a man sent to another world and given the magical ability to order food from a Japanese online grocery. I just can’t get past the arrogance required to imagine that the Japanese equivalent of Little Debbie and Hormel would be so mind-blowingly delicious to alternate dimension beings that a monster strong enough to solo a dragon for funsies would make himself your servant. The adventure part of the story was entertaining (and it is an adventure story, I have no idea why this is in slice of life, but it’s hardly the only title that doesn’t belong here) and I liked the characters enough to plan to watch the sequel. The cooking part of the story, though, where he just drowns everything in name-brand sauces, doesn’t really do it for me. 6/10

Uma Musume: Pretty Derby Season 2 – For years people have talked up this particular season of the series as some kind of marvel, but I ended up liking it less than I did season one. Centered on Team Spica members Toukai Teiou and Mejiro McQueen, this season deals heavily with getting injured, rehabbing from injury, and attempting to make a comeback after time away, and I did not like how they handled it. Sports anime in general has a fairly unhealthy tendency to romanticize overtraining as evidence of a strong work ethic and dedication to a sport or team, and that was on display here as well, with multiple frustrating montages of horse girls overworking themselves and neglecting rest. Additionally, when recurring injury or more chronic conditions leads some of the characters to consider retirement, it’s labeled as “quitting” or “giving up”, and they’re pressured by the people around them, who make emotional pleas for them to continue racing. The total disregard for athletes’ well being was really frustrating. I still find the idol performance segments a little insulting to both women athletes, whose sports performance should be entertainment enough, and idols, whose efforts and talent should not be belittled by the suggestion that anyone can do it. It wasn’t a chore to sit through, despite all my complaints, but it was less fun than the previous season. 6/10

Uma Musume: Pretty Derby – Road to the Top – The only reason I started watching this series was to watch this particular entry, which was nominated by the r/anime jury for Anime of the Year. To its credit, it’s fairly different than the first two entries. It’s only four episodes long, it focuses on three racers not on Team Spica, and it’s a serious step up visually. I thought the color palette for seasons one and two was kind of oversaturated, whereas this series had a more sophisticated look to it. The animation was never bad in the series, but it was straight up good here, with lots of movement and fun distortions. I was pretty neutral on the series cast up to this point, with the exception of Team Spica’s Gold Ship, whom I adore, and this series added one more to the adore column, with the introduction of T.M. Opera O, who was fantastically overdramatic in everything she did. I liked that the story was more than girls professing to each other to be the fastest or promising to race each other, and that two of the three main characters got extensive backstories. There was a still a frustrating amount of overtraining, and those damned idol performances still exist, but this was easily the best entry in the series, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. 7/10

Tsurune S2 – In all my bellyaching about the AOTY nominations this year, I’ve mentioned Tsurune as one of the shows I wished got nominated, so I figured I should rewatch it to make sure it was as good as I remembered it being. It was. The production is just solid all around; the soundtrack, the sound design, the animation, the cinematography, and the art are all excellent. It manages the large cast incredibly well, giving all three teams the right amount of depth and backstory to lend the archery matches emotional stakes. The fight between the two cousins on the main team in episode five might be the best single episode from last year with how it perfectly captured the way only a very close friend can push your buttons before resolving it with a pitched battle that ends in a fit of the giggles. How this got left off the shortlist in favor of Road to the Top or basically anything else just mystifies me. 9/10

[enchantechante]

I know the post is days old but the one about the man,well both about the men who left the women after being incarcerated made me sad.That same thing happened to my older sister.She would send her friend who was incarcerated for fifteen years money to help with any and everything he needed.They talked everyday even when she was dog tired from working 12/13 hour shifts as a CNA.She was making sure he had food and even paid for books he needed for classes(it's weird because he was taking real estate classes.I guess real estate is a big thing in prison?Idk.)But she made sure he was okay everyday for years all while taking care of herself ,me,our mom who has cancer and our cousins who were sick as well.

I will never forget how he would pressure her to get into the real estate industry but she was nervous to do so because she didn't want to waste her hard earned money.She was also paying off her student loans.So he tried to get her to use OPM(other people's money)and when she decided not to after he told her how it works,he would belittle her because she didn't want to take out loans. She's always been responsible money wise and never took out a loan except for school.He even made fun of her CNA job as if she was less than him.

Fast forward,he did get out and they kept in touch but then he disappeared too after he started making money rehabbing houses.He was always driven to be a millionaire and told her if she wasn't going to start a business or start real estate then they couldn't be friends.Who does that?He lied to people saying no one was there for him after he got and lied about his finances so people could give him money to help him rehab homes.It was weird.

My sister is a big believer in God and has always helped others because that's how our mom raised us.In his darkest hours she was there for him,just like those ladies were there for their friends and just like I tell my sister,I'm going to tell the other ladies the same...THEY WILL BE BLESSED AND GET IT ALL BACK!I never want people to feel bad for being there for someone especially with they needed it or believing in someone when no one else did.It doesn't matter who shows up when someone finally starts winning and being successful.The ones who were there when people had nothing should always be celebrated.There's nothing wrong with wanting to be wealthy but people in general need to watch how they treat others and decide to throw others away just because that person isn't on their level,at that time.To me it says a lot about someone's character and if someone could do that to someone who was there when they had nothing,thinking they're so much better than them,I can only imagine how they would be once wealthy.To know people only want to deal with you because you have money should make anyone very nervous.What if you get sick or if things go left one day and your money's gone? Who's going to be there? We're all living on borrowed time.I would much rather treat everyone like somebody and keep a clean heart than use people for my selfish needs and money.It's just very sad and wrong.

@ sad/wrong - This is 'xactly how I feel about financially manipulative ppl too - triangulating relationship to get you to spend your money.

💕 Love this - "Theres nothing wrong with bring wealthy but ppl in general need to watch how they treat others."

And it hasnt been explicitly stated (i cld be wrong) but I got a hunch they would never allow female friends to treat them like this and still try and be close.

In general, I hope women find a higher standard to put these men to when it comes to friendship. 🫶🏾

[littlesmartart]

I'm pretty sure I'm w o r t h l e s s if I can't be of s e r v i c e

a genius anon suggested "surface pressure" from encanto as a 3zun song and I've not actually seen the movie but the moment I listened to the song I was like OH NO. TIME FOR FEMALE 3ZUN FEELS (under a cut, because it turns out I have a lot of them)

I've seen a good few AUs exploring different gender dynamics with 3zun but here are my personal thoughts:

I don't think Mingjue's life would change a huge amount if she were a woman - you don't mess with a person who's six foot, jacked as fuck, and carries a giant semi-sentient murdersaber, no matter what their gender is - I think she'd just have even LESS time for JGS and politics in general, and be just like... one rung further down on the privilege ladder than canon Mingjue. if Huaisang is male, it's possible she could be considered to be a stop-gap until he's old/capable enough to take up leadership, and that would likely make their relationship more strained than canon.

Xichen's life would still be very privileged, but as part of a sect where the very conservative elders seem to have strong influence, I imagine she'd have to fight pretty hard to be taken seriously as a leader (look what a mess Lan Yi got into! this is what happens when you let women be in charge!), not to mention be constantly dodging marriage proposals, as the elders would likely prefer she marry an outer cousin who could take over leadship whilst keeping power in the main family line. she would definitely struggle to get out of the shadow of the other notorious Lan women, and her fear of fucking up is even greater than canon Xichen's, as there's always been a little part of her mind utterly petrified that if she does something bad enough she will just get locked away forever - after all, isn't that what happened to Lan Yi? isn't that what happened to her mother?

JGY's life would change a lot and could go in so many different directions; for one thing, I cannot believe that Meng Shi would have raised a daughter the same way as she raised a son, and would have been much much less likely to put such a strong emphasis on joining the Jin sect. I feel like her priority would have been to educate Meng Yao as much as possible, and then get her out of the brothel as soon as possible. from there, I think it's possible that she could have gone on a pretty similar path to canon JGY, either as herself or dressed as a man, with the main difference being that a female Mingjue would likely be a great deal more sympathetic towards a female Meng Yao killing the guard captain (MY: he would not acknowledge my authority, called me and my mother whores, and stole all my ideas! Mingjue: [shocked pikachu face with angry eyebrows drawn on] okay you shouldn't have killed him but like... fuck that guy!!! what a prick!!!) and female Xichen would have a much greater understanding of her perspective (MY: I have to fight for even the most basic of respect and everyone looks at me like I'm a pastry they're saving to eat later! Xichen: I personally choose to repress my negative emotions as a coping mechanism but I can certainly see that such a position might drive you into a murderous rage). if she got as far as being acknowledged by JGS, I imagine he'd immediately start looking to marry her off - because a war hero daughter is still a daughter, and he doesn't like smart women - at which point... well, let's choose a happy ending and say one of her sworn sisters volunteers :)

[nesssblog]

ADARNA 🦅🦅🦅 she’s bird!

very long boxer thoughts under this 😭😭 basically what the opponent boxers think of her-

uhhh this is soo cring i’m so sorry 😭😭

Glass Joe: “Miss Adarna? She’s quite an interesting fighter. And from our brief conversations, she’s very pleasant to talk to. And she’s good at taking care of bruises, not as good as the nurses, but she’s alright.”

Von Kaiser: “Those accessories of hers shouldn’t be in boxing matches, someone could get hurt. I must say she shouldn’t be treating boxing like some game. But, to cut her some slack, she’s a very skilled fighter for her age, I’ll give her that..”

Disco Kid: “Oh, she’s got talent! Caught her singing in the locker rooms, and her voice is BE-AU-TIFUL! Plus, she helps me out with my injuries sometimes! Shame her singing career got in the way of her boxing one.. She would have killed it! Think she could sing with me and Bob sometime?”

King Hippo: (She brings me fruits from her country, and is very kind! She’s very nice to talk to, and Interesting stories too. Her feathers are fun to look at as well.)

Piston Hondo: “Leonora? She is quite friendly, skilled at fighting, and very beautiful. She’s always shy around me, as I am also shy around her- But she’s a wonderful companion to say the least. She’s always seen with the Branch B fighters though. And she seems more friendly towards them.. I just want to talk to her properly, without stumbling over my words.. To Tell her- Oh, Forget it. It’s silly...“

Bear Hugger: “She’s quite the gal! One time, she fought with Sandman, and let me tell ya- She’s a very strong fighter! We talk about nature sometimes, and I was thinkin’ of inviting her to a hiking trip, alongside the other Major Circuit guys! I do get worried for her sometimes, the pressure gets to her easily..”

Great Tiger: “Adarna, correct? Those feathers surely do make her appearance pop. But apart from that, we don’t talk much. I’ve heard a lot about her from Hondo though, and she’s quite a character. I’ve also heard some nasty things from Celeste, though…”

Don Flamenco: “Ah, Señorita Leonora.. She is very beautiful, although she’s always looking at me weirdly. But we do have a fun time talking, nonetheless. Maybe she thinks I’m attractive, after all, women love me- Kidding!”

Aran Ryan: “Heh, Ol’ Leo’s gotta be one of me’ favorite victims. She’s adorable when she’s mad, let me tell ya. The worm prank on her and Birdy? Their reactions were priceless! But sometimes, when I need someone ta’ talk to about stuff? She’s there and is a damn good listener! And I saw ‘Sushi Boy’ stealing some glances at her, so there’s that!”

Soda Popinski: “Soda thinks the bird girl’s alright. Reminds me of the Firebird from Mythology. And her singing’s pleasant to the ears. Soda’s not as close to her as the others though. And Soda overhears Celeste saying terrible things about her..”

Bald Bull: “She’s alright.. One of the less annoying ones of Branch B. And her singing voice is somewhat soothing. But we're not close, so I don’t know how she is.. I’ve heard she’s very kind.``

Super Macho Man: “That chick’s hot! But she’s too… Tense, about her personal life. And She’s friendly to everyone. I don’t know much about her, but I do know that Celeste doesn’t like her for some reason.. Other than she’s smoking, and good at fights too!”

Mr. Sandman: “Hm.. She’s a kind girl. But I must agree, she lets her reputation take over her life too much, to the point she can’t express herself properly. It’s sad. And the WVBA gets on her ass for her hair and feathers.. But she’s nice to spark a conversation with, and she can deal with hits well, I’ll give her that.”

SUPER PUNCH OUT:

Gabby Jay: “She’s very thoughtful, even with an ‘old man’ like me, she’s still generous with her first aid skills. And very reliable as well. I used to be a waiter, and saw one of her performances in Paris. She’s very good.”

Piston Hurricane: “Very great confidant, plus she’s trustworthy! Unlike some cabróns- And she can dance really well, surprised she hasn’t tried challenging Disco! But she seemed to be stressed lately.. And she won’t tell any of us.”

Bob Charlie: “Huh? Oh, Leon! She’s a really great singer! Even I’m impressed.. You need someone to help you with something, or confide in someone? She’s the gal. She’s also really nice. Lately, she seemed a lil’ bummed out though, planning to ask her about it later..”

Dragon Chan: “We’re really close, and I’m lucky to have her around. She’s really strong too, could carry me with ease! Plus, She’s really pretty, and her smile’s just.. beautiful. But, I’m a bit biased since she’s like my closest- friend.. (I wish we were more..) Now that they mention it, She does seem a bit distant now. I’ll try talking to her.”

Masked Muscle: “Senora Pollo? Those feathers are a brilliant way to mask her opponent’s view, why didn’t I think of that- Oh, her personality? She’s alright, I guess. I love messing with her, and her ‘image’ ! She needs to loosen up once in a while.. Maybe she might be fun to hang with, ya know?”

Heike Kagero: “Oh, she’s my best friend. We share some of our deepest secrets with each other, and keep each other company as friends do! If I was stuck in a room with anyone for a day, I’m hoping it’s her. But she needs to stop caring about her image too much, girl’s so worried about how the public sees her! I do wish she stops hiding stuff from me, like her problems and all..”

Mad Clown: “Aha, she’s an excellent listener! But Ragazza’s too uptight about her reputation, so she is kind of boring in the ring. But outside? She’s a riot! Her performances weren’t too bad either, not as good as mine back then, though. And she doesn’t look too bad with clown makeup.”

Narcis Prince: “She’s Bird girl, right? I’ve seen her fights, she’s not too bad. And she’s quite the looker as well- Don’t tell her I said that. And did you hear that she’s a singer? Well, she used to be.. Hm, Wonder what happened? ”

Hoy Quarlow: “Ho ho, this girl. Lights up the room wherever she goes. Too nervous though, and too petty! But nevertheless, Leonora starts a good conversation whenever we talk. But between you and me, Did you know that in Feng Shui, The Phoenix and Dragon are symbols of everlasting love, ho ho!”

Rick Bruiser: “Haha, she’s a funny one and a great fighter too! But she could take boxing more seriously, but other than that she’s good. Can’t believe Branch B has our own bird girl now, aha!”

Nick Bruiser: “She’s nice, I suppose.. Too soft for a fighter, and too compassionate, basically, she cares too much. She’s not going to go far with that attitude. Which is why she’s still in the Major Circuit.”

[babesonly]

fic recs 2.0!

hello kings (gn) ive got significantly more fic than last time which means this is gonna be a little more organized than the last post bc it is much longer <3 categories in order are non casefic canonverse, casefic/roadtrip fic, finale fixits, endverse, non supernatural aus, and then non destiel ones. titles will be in bold for my favs! also within each category they’re in order from shortest to longest

Canonverse

I’m a tulip in a cup by godtiering (1.2k)

I worry that I never really came back from hell. I wonder why, if I got remade by heaven, I’m still the same screwed up kid that I always was.

Sometimes I worry I’m not into women at all.

"Guess not,” he looks at his shoes.

a REALLY good fic that’s basically just a look inside dean’s head during my bloody valentine do not read this looking for a fun time but please do read it

on vessels by flightsofangels (1.9k)

“You know,” Cas mutters into Dean’s bare skin. “When I was still… an angel, I used to dream that I would take you as my vessel.”

hello consumehimnatural fans!!!!! read newt’s fic right now its incredible

dean winchester is not a nicholas sparks protagonist by microcomets (1.9k)

Dean fell in love with Cas the way you fall asleep--slowly, and then all at once. Or some other hackneyed and trite bullshit. God, this is embarrassing.

dean is in LOVE. he’s also a disaster who keeps staring at cas’ hands. sigh

Stay by aeli_kindara (2.5k)

Coda to 13.06 (Tombstone). In which Castiel reckons with the aftermath of Dean's grief.

hello fellow widow arc fans <3 click here to see cas find out abt the events of advanced thanatology !

walking on a string by swordfishtrombones (2.7k)

Between the doomed offensive at the Firmament and the impending retreat from the ravaged northeast border, Castiel left camp long enough to answer one of Dean Winchester's prayers.

S6 DEAN IS A WAR WIFE. been really into early seasons deancas lately and this one is very good. god

the flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k)

Ezekiel 39:17 "you shall eat the flesh of the mighty and drink the blood of the princes of the earth."

MY GOD. anyone who saw the @autisticandroids​ purgatory cannibalism talk and was interested read this right now. also anyone who enjoyed nbc hannibal OR raw (2016). if romantic cannibalism is remotely aligned with your interests read this right now. god

Sam Winchester, Ally At Law by alittleduck (3.3k)

Sam was pretty sure he could read every single gay friendly guide to coming out or supporting queer family members ever written and literally none of them would even imply that arguing with gay people that they were actually just homophobic constituted as "ally behavior". However, Sam was equally sure that none of those book authors had found themselves accidentally watching their brother get pounded by an Angel of the Lord at 9 am on Tuesday, so Sam was pretty sure he might actually still have the higher ground. Now, if only Jack would stop trying to bond with Dean using gay slurs long enough for Sam to convince everyone of that, he might just be able to cobble together some remnant of sanity or, failing that, dignity.

Or, the one where Sam desperately wants to invent PFLAG but Dean won't stop teaching Jack gay slurs

JACK VOICE HEY COCKSUCKERS. 

hummed low by microcomets (3.3k)

Dean pulls the Impala over at a cider barn about thirty miles out; doesn't really think about it, just sees the hokey orange lettering off the roadside and lets his hands guide the Impala off the interstate with gravel spitting under the wheels.

they get a nice day out together and dean has a gay crisis and it’s written beautifully mwah

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit by pyrebi (3.9k)

In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything.

sometimes i think about this fic and it hits that at this point dean and cas would have been married for more than a year. cas my beloved...

an exploration of gender; angelic by sometimeswelose (4k)

Castiel's true form is made of electromagnetic radiation. He has spent the majority of his life, if you really want to add it all up and average the whole thing out, as a wavelength of celestial intent.

The thing about being made of light: it's light in the physics sense of the word. Castiel's waves are gamma, x-ray, micro, and radio. He's visible light too, of course, a visible light so intense that it is blinding to most humans.

hello trans cas community <3 he’s literally trans he was assigned genderless and then went hm actually i will be a man! love of my life

Some Boys are Sleeping Alone by prosopopeya (4.2k)

This isn't something that's okay, not for him, but it chases him through the years until it turns into something he can't -- doesn't want to deny. 

ohhh deans tenuous relationship with his sexuality my beloved...

love. worship. consummation. consumption. by redeyedwrath (4.3k)

ConsumehimNatural (copyright marcusantonius) the Series!

These are all snapshots centered around the idea of you know. Hunger in Supernatural. Both carnal hunger and other kinds. Fics are shown in semi-chronological order but this series is generally nebulously early seasons.

for ANYONE who is a consumehimnaturual this is required reading it is INCREDIBLE and gorgeous and very visceral and i am so very obsessed with it. thank you redeyedwrath for enabling my brainrot

the reach of human sense by perilously (4.5k)

“You know what Jimmy Novak looked like. You think he was beautiful—gorgeous, hot, all of it. It’s him. Not me. This isn’t my face.”

“But,” Dean says. He doesn’t know where he’s going with it. Just that Cas’ face is right there, brows drawn together and cheekbones gleaming in the lamplight. It’s a face that’s made his heart skip probably a couple hundred beats collectively since they met.

And it used to belong to someone else.

this one is just very nice <3 cas gets uncomfortable w dean calling him attractive since dean has never seen his trueform and they work it out

Down in the River by Ias (4.7k)

Alone in Purgatory and hunted by Leviathans, Castiel finds himself praying to the one person who can't hear him.

cas i love you <3 cas alone in purgatory praying to dean bc dean is the only thing he still worships i love you so much

Creature of Habit by trinityofone (5.1k)

The more you love someone, the more you want to kill them. Or: How Cas developed some bad habits, and Dean coped surprisingly well.

written in s5 when cas was depowered and completely nails the later seasons bitchy husbands dynamic it’s very good and fun <3

sink by crackers4jenn (5.4k)

"Where to?" A 9.06 coda.

very bittersweet very well written and also canon compliant so do not go into this one looking for a happy ending but i DO recommend it it’s very good

Sensational by castiowl (6.1k)

“When I first came to earth, it was advised that we temper the senses bound to our vessels. They were a distraction, we were told. An antiquated form of experiencing existence that would hinder our ability to complete our missions, whatever that may be. My true form can better facilitate these experiences. What you would recognize as heightened senses of sight and sound, among other things.”

Or, how Dean helps Cas experience all five human senses for the first time in one night.

early seasons deancas man. i love the sound part i love dean being so worried about doing a good job with this. god. read this please

Something to Protect by Sass_Master (6.2k)

Dean’s violent reaction to being unexpectedly woken has become something of a running joke among them, but Castiel can’t help but look past it to the underlying cause. It makes him ache to think that Dean feels so unsafe, so persecuted, before he’s even fully conscious.

Secretly, Castiel has been determined to work on that, to ease Dean into awareness in a less jarring way, smooth away one of the many stresses that follow him even in sleep. Now’s as good a time as any to try.

oh to sleep more soundly in the presence of someone you love...this fic is very nice i enjoyed it a lot

all this and heaven too by ftmsteverogers (7k)

“Hey,” Dean said. “I’m not ashamed of you, okay?”

Cas raised skeptical eyes to meet his.

“I mean it,” Dean insisted.

“I understand you mean it,” Cas said. “But I don’t think it’s any better if you’re only ashamed of yourself.”

hello trans dean community here is 7k of trans dean having to deal with his internalized homophobia now that he’s sleeping with cas <3 it is SO good

The wilderness. by orange_crushed (8k)

He takes a shower and the pressure is not especially good, but it doesn’t matter. It’s warm and he stands under the spray a long time. Human skin, he knows, constantly renews itself, shedding the dead cells of the epidermis. He wonders how long it will take until he is an entirely new person, until every cell on his surface is a new one. He looks at his hands under the water. It might take less than a month.

this might be the only post 9x03 fic on here with a happy ending actually? plenty of good melancholy leading up to it though <3 canon divergent after 9x03 though which means no 9x06 fanfiction gap but it is absolutely worth reading

till the juice runs by deathbanjo (8.4k)

Apparently whoever drew up the venn diagram of Dean’s sex life decided the circle labelled ‘good sex’ and the one labelled ‘sex with men’ should be kept far apart.

hello this one is SO funny dean finally gets comfortable enough with his bisexuality to start having sex with men and it goes so very bad every time so sorry about your shitty choices beloved </3

First Date by aeli_kindara (8.9k)

“We should go on a date. You and me.”

Castiel wishes he could see Dean’s face. He wishes he had any idea what to say.

“I’m asking you out, Cas.”

this one is very sweet i liked it a lot <3 good refreshing little fic where they just get to have a nice evening together

Entertaining Strangers by cadignan (9k)

Dean settles on to his side, lying in the bed facing Castiel. “So you had sex without me and you bit all my moves. I think I deserve to hear about it, at least. What was her name?”

op im in love with you. premise is established relationship deancas and cas mentions he did have sex before dean and not only that it was a threesome. good for him <3 this fic is cas describing the story of what led up to the threesome and what happened during it while dean interrupts regularly. incredible

the shape you take by noviembre (10k)

“What?” Dean says, fake-offended. “I’d be hot as a girl, you know I would.”

And this is when he really, really should have stopped talking. When he shouldn't have whipped back around and asked, “Cas, if I was a woman, you’d fuck me, right?”

Because if he hadn’t said that, then he wouldn’t have had to deal with this:

Cas, meeting his eyes, forehead wrinkles all smoothed out like there’s nothing to be confused about anymore. Cas with something at the corner of his mouth that might barely be called a smile.

Cas saying, calmly and without hesitation, “Yes, Dean.”

--

Dean Winchester fucks around and, with the inadvertent help of some witches, Finds Out.

dean winchester your gender is diabolical. this fic is insane and its the only thing that matters actually. dean fully convinced its normal and straight to think about being a woman so you can fuck your male friend. incredible. op im proposing to you

Sinnerman by a_good_soldier (10k)

Dean listens to Nina Simone, reads Anne Carson, and makes out with a dude (sort of).

yall want to read about dean realizing he’s in love with a man as a direct result of learning to better respect women right?

you’re fooling yourself by cowboydeanwinchester (13k)

Dean Winchester and Castiel retire from hunting to raise baby Jack. Dean struggles to allow himself the things he truly wants.

Jack is two, Castiel and Dean are idiots, and Sam's gotta solve everyone's problems.

love a married couple who doesn’t know they’re married <3 everyone say thank you sam for bullying dean 

The Girlfriend Experience by rageprufrock (15k)

While it's not like Dean hasn't had a couple of truly regrettable hit-and-runs in his sexual history, this is probably the saddest fucking thing that has ever happened to him.

a classic for good fucking reason. we’ve all talked about dean thinking holding hands is too gay after having just had gay sex but my personal favorite was sam accusing dean of cheating on cas because dean bought condoms. incredible

No Kingdom To Come by domesticadventures (16k)

“We should fuck,” Dean says.

Cas looks up from where he sits on his bed, hair still damp from the shower, frowning as he places a finger on the page of his book to mark where he left off.

There are a million things Cas could say here; Dean has rehearsed them. After lunch, his restlessness had given way to a vague panic, a dread that matched his every step and crept along with him from room to room. Eventually, he had returned to his bedroom and spent the rest of the afternoon pacing back and forth, playing out all the possible scenarios. When Cas asks him Why? or Are you being serious? or when he sighs and says, in that way he has, Dean, he knows exactly what he’s going to do. He’s going to shrug casually, like he isn’t invested in the answer, like he isn’t desperate for an outlet, and say, Why not? He’s going to raise an eyebrow and say, What, are you not interested? He’s going to crowd into Cas’ personal space, he’s going to shove himself right up in there and whisper Cas against his ear.

Instead, Cas says, carefully, “Okay.”

literally the only quarantine fic i’ve ever bothered to read in any fandom and completely worth it it’s SO good. they become fwb and dean has an existential crisis and he keeps bringing up meaninglessness and death during sex

Bodies by Speary (18k)

It was a secret they never acknowledged even with each other. It would change everything, end everything if either of them ever dropped the act. So they became very good at acting, at keeping up the lie that gave them what they wanted. Even if that lie involved constantly seeking out temporary, consenting female vessels, Cas would do it. He told himself it was worth it for Dean. He just hoped that he could stop wanting more, or maybe one day Dean might stop pretending that he wasn't really sleeping with Cas every time.

i don’t even have anything to add tbh if that summary did not immediately make you click we are very different this fic is incredible. god. fellas do you ever make yourself a woman so you can fuck the man you love without him having to talk about it or confront his sexuality

it’s such a mystery (the way you know me) by fleeceframe (20k)

So the man crouching in front of Castiel is named Dean. He wonders if that’s supposed to mean something to him.

“Cas must’ve got hit with something earlier. He just dropped like a sack of fucking potatoes a minute ago. By the time I was checking on him, he had already woken up again, but now he doesn’t fucking know who we are.”

“I’m right here you know,” Castiel says testily.

Sam’s eyes are wide even as his eyebrows are furrowed, and he looks between Dean and Castiel again.

“What do you remember, Cas?”

“Firstly, that I’m not Cas. I don’t know who Cas is, but it’s not me. I don’t know who either of you are, either."

or the one where castiel is hit with a memory curse that makes him forget the winchester brothers and is stunned to find out he has a family... also why can't he stop thinking about dean?

BEST amnesia fic oh my god. cas my beloved you deserve the world. everyone read this that is not a request.

More Than Ever by Sass_Master (20k)

Dean’s getting some pancakes together for breakfast when Cas saunters in after a run.

He’s trying to focus on whisking batter, unfairly distracted by Cas a few feet away, breathing heavily and shining with perspiration. Dean’s been painfully aware for a long time that Cas is pretty easy on the eyes, but he’s used to seeing Cas buttoned-up and unflappable, looking straight-laced in a stiff oxford and an unflattering trenchcoat.

Now Cas is sweating, Dean’s borrowed t-shirt clinging to his skin, flushed from exertion and Dean really can’t deal with that in his kitchen right now.

this entire series is really good i enjoyed it a lot, i’m just putting this one specifically on the list bc the rest of the series is very explicit and this is really good as a standalone for anyone who wouldn’t be into the rest of the series!!

Being Dean Winchester by Anonymous (20k)

"You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of hell. I can throw you back in."

Who the fuck was this bitchy "warrior of God" doing talking to him like that? Fuck Cas-tee-el and his dumbass trench coat and abrasive motherfucking attitude.

Dean was done with this shit.

***

Wherein a monster of the week steals the essence of Castiel's vessel, so he must use Dean, recently raised from hell, as a vessel instead.

it is at this point i realize that there are more fics than i expected there to be on this list that involves a threesome with only two people/using the presence of a female body to act like what’s happening is heterosexual. deangirlism is a disease 

I Shall Not Want by domesticadventures (20k)

His grace is burning out, and the wasteland it leaves inside him becomes an echo chamber for all the memories, all the fear and doubt and self-loathing he's collected over the years. Things said and done hound him on endless repeat until he's convinced they’ll break through his skin and fill the silence of the bunker.

His head is killing him, and he sits hunched over an open book, not really reading, just digging his fingers into his skull and praying nothing slips through the cracks.

this one is GORGEOUS i love it so so much. dean and cas are both struggling so much to get by and they’re trying to support each other but fucking it up and they have to grow together and learn to cope with the fact that this is where their lives are and they fall in love i need everyone to read this

To Boldly Go by 8daysuntiltheapocalypseiguess (24k)

Title: Just One of Those Things Author: Impala67 Series: TOS Rating: M Summary: Four years into their five-year mission, and all the planets start to look the same.

In which Dean is not Gene Roddenberry, but he does write Star Trek fanfiction.

mx winchester writing star trek fanfiction to process his own trauma <3 this is a wip but it’s SO good and i also have not consumed a single piece of star trek media so it IS definitely readable to anyone who isn’t a star trek fan. please read this

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo (30k)

“Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.”

this is on here just for the 1.5 people who were putting off this one like i did for no reason. it’s extremely good and it is just gentle. i enjoyed it a lot

Heroes for Ghosts by pantheon_of_discord (42k)

After Sam and Dean are arrested, Castiel is left alone and scrambling to find them. He knows they’re locked away in a government facility, and he’s still able to hear their prayers, but no matter how he tries Castiel can’t seem to track them. He chases leads and even attempts to hunt on his own, but Mary is AWOL, Crowley refuses to help, and Castiel’s options are running out.

Weeks pass, Castiel’s hope dwindles, and through it all Dean prays, keeping them connected. His voice is comforting, frustrating, and occasionally annoying, but in his solitude Castiel comes to cherish it. But then one day, without warning, Dean stops praying, and Castiel is forced to confront some uncomfortable truths about his feelings.

yall ever wonder what it would’ve been like if the sam and dean arrest storyline in s12 was interesting? yeah <3

Teaching Poetry to Fish by aeli_kindara (52k)

In which Castiel teaches poetry to fish. Also, himself. Also, eventually, Dean.

(A series-long story, diverging slightly from canon after S14.)

cas learning about humanity through poetry before dean and thats what led to him developing enough emotion to be lobotomized....cas i love you so much

Emergence by ellispark (58k)

Something’s been missing from Dean’s life for the past three years, a void left after a hunt gone terribly wrong. He often feels a sense of longing with no discernible cause, a need to talk to someone who isn’t there.

A call from an acquaintance leads Dean to James Novak, a man who disappeared more than a decade ago, and suddenly Dean gets the feeling he’s found what he’s been missing. But James isn’t really James — he’s the angel Castiel, who’s wanted by angels, demons and hunters alike. And he may be at the center of the storm that wrecked Dean’s life all those years ago.

another cool amnesia fic!! for unknown reasons everyone forgot cas three years ago but cas didn’t forget anything. cas deserves so much love and support. god

a turn of the earth by microcomets (95k)

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

(Or, in which Castiel gets stuck in Dean’s timeline preseries and Dean kind of hates it—until he doesn’t.)

cas getting to meet and fall in love with pre hell dean just as much as he loves the dean he already knows oh my GOD. i love this fic so much. turn of the earth my beloved

Crossing Lines by sometimeswelose (122k)

Two Deans, one Cas - it's not as sexy as it sounds

Or

An ethics lesson from Hell

Or

The one where Dean from the past meets Dean in the present. They're not sure they like each other very much.

deans intense self hatred vs cas’ unwavering love for every version of dean oh my GOD also this is a wip fair warning but it’s so worth waiting for updates i’m having such a great time with this one i cannot wait to see how it gets ended

Plot Holes by saltyfeathers (160k)

Of course it wasn’t over after the apocalypse.

There was season six. Then there was season seven. Against all expectations, there was season eight. There were the alphas and purgatory, and then the Leviathans, and then the angels fell. Enter season nine. Loose threads Metatron, Abaddon, and Crowley have to be tied up. Sam, Dean, and Cas have to try to tie them while at the same time dealing with their evolving relationships and newfound graceless states.

Amidst all the chaos, someone has started publishing the Supernatural novels again. Convinced there’s something amiss in the pages, Charlie starts her own quest to suss out the truth behind the Winchester Gospels.

With the help of various faces, old and new, they must now not only deal with the typical runs of demons and recently fallen angels, but also reconcile the battles raging inside themselves, as the fate of the world, once again, quite literally lays in the palm of their hands.

saltyfeathers said i WILL make the plot holes in this show mean something because the showrunners are sure as shit never gonna adress them ! and i thank them for it bc this was a really cool read

Casefic/Roadtrip Fic

Deprived Of Every Planet by KelpietheThundergod (9k)

Dean's breathing is audible in the scant space between them, irregular. The motel room is dark, pale blue shadows falling in through the gaps in the blinds. Throwing a pattern of uneven white stripes over the bunched up covers. Over Dean's fingers twisted in the sheets. One half of him in shadow, softened by the dark. The heat of his skin. The tremble of him under Castiel's touch.

He caresses a hand over Dean's chest, slowly. Dean's mouth falls open, his body arching into Castiel's touch. Castiel stops over Dean's heart. Through the fever of his desire, he rejoices about the wonder of experiencing another's heartbeat through one's own senses.

Dean gasps, but then he turns his face away and towards the dark. Eyes closed tight and brows furrowed like something is hurting him.

Castiel stills.

“Dean?”

the case is background on this one but it Does take place over the course of a case so im putting it here. god touchstarved dean trying so hard to work through his shit for cas head in my hands i love this fic so much

before and after breakfast by spocklee (10k)

The monster of the week is a ghost who hates meat, alcohol, and feeling yourself. Guess who it is during the commercials.

chapter 2 of this one.....god. dean and cas you are both so unwell <3 i love everything abt this fic everyone read it now

we shovel all the ashes out by xylodemon (15k)

Dean’s always known things were headed this way. He just figured getting dragged under would be cleaner and easier than jumping in feet-first.

fics that make you go Oh they love each other...also there’s lesbians in it literally what else could you want.

thunder road by dothraki_shieldmaiden (20k)

After Chuck is defeated and the Winchesters settle into life without God, Dean Winchester is bored.

OR: Dean and Cas take a road trip and figure out some stuff along the way.

this fic is just like. it’s kind! this fic is kind it’s just a pleasant experience and i enjoyed it thoroughly. they’re in love and it’s good

Suck It, Judy Garland by GlitterDwarf, midrashic (20k)

It had to be St. Louis. Or, the one where Sam and Cas get fake married for a case, and Dean loses his mind.

actually im gonna defend dean here imagine youre dean and cas gives what definitely sounded like a deathbed love confession while making eye contact with you and then immediately afterwards fake dates your brother. who among us would not have been a bitch about this

best friends without benefits by lizbobjones (20k)

It’s nearing three a.m. and they’ve been on the road a long time. Sam’s been asleep in the back seat since eleven. Giving up and handing the wheel over to Cas and letting the guy who doesn’t sleep drive had seemed like a good idea.

the premise of this fic is so funny. cas voice dean you want to fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid. everyone read this

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo (22k)

This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore.

alt version of getting rid of the mark of cain, the darkness never happens. this one is VERY heavy but it’s so good and it has a hopeful ending. ive read this one twice and loved it both times

Someone Who’s Feeling For Me by ellispark (45k)

Dean sees her for the first time in nearly six years in some no-name town in Idaho, and it's panic at first sight.

Lisa Braeden, the one woman Dean ever actually had a shot at a real life with, back from where he buried her in his mind. And her hand is on Cas's arm like it's no big deal, like it belongs there. Cas, Dean's dorky, sweet, badass, angelic best friend, and he's just standing there next to Lisa and not moving her hand away.

Dean feels the jealousy rising, and it's not directed where he expected it to be. Because it takes this exact moment for Dean to realize he's in love with his best friend. He's in love with his best friend, and Lisa is looking at Cas like he's the best thing since automatic rifles, and Dean is utterly fucked.

hello op please contact me. please contact me and let me see the inside of your brain. this fic was an unparalleled experience and everyone should also go through it. i love it so very much

Bumper Cars by mansikka (111k)

Two teenagers are missing from an abandoned carnival, and there’s enough to raise suspicion that their disappearance involves a ghost. Dean, Sam, and Cas arrive in town to investigate, though what they find leads them away from those teenagers, and on the trail of a ghost story that churns up things from their past.

Can newly-human Cas, and Dean, with the help of shipper!Sam, work out the mystery behind the abandoned carnival and its ghost, and along the way, figure out the riddle that is them?

one of my absolute fav case fics it forces dean to confront some aspects of johns parenting and work through some shit and also him and cas fall in love and it’s really well done. love this one a lot <3

Finale Fix-its/Finale Denial

Sorry Jimmy by K_K_TiBal (2.1k)

Based on the tumblr textpost:

jellydeans: so are cas and jimmy novak just up in heaven existing at the same time katebushstandean: #jimmy moves to heaven timbuku so that dean stops trying to make out with him every time they run into each other at the heaven grocery store

this one is just extremely funny. local midwestern heterosexual man is forced to play relationship counselor to the dumbest gay people in existence because one of them wore his face

Dean Winchester Really Needs To Make Some Gay Friends by AreYouReady (2.2k)

“Like, I’m trying to think if I’ve had, I don’t know, crushes. If I ever had a gay thing before you came along and just didn’t notice,” Dean said.

Cas suddenly looked down, and away from Dean. If Dean didn’t know better, he would swear Cas looked guilty.

“What is it, Cas?”

“You have had several… gay things before.” Cas still wouldn’t look at him.

“What? When? How come you know this better than I do?”

There was no way the answer to this question wasn’t funny as hell.

dean learning about gay ppl via the memories of dean smith...incredible.

tiny difference (between ending and starting to begin) by sunforgrace (2.4k)

Sometimes Dean catches Cas staring at the sky.

It doesn’t happen often. Not when Dean’s around to tell, anyway. But often enough that he starts to notice.

Eventually Dean starts to recognize the pattern.

Cas just doesn’t watch the sky. He watches the birds.

Chuck is gone, Cas is human, and the world is safe. In the quiet aftermath Dean and Castiel find each other again.

i really don’t have much to say abt this one it is just very good and they love each other so much

Bring Home by cenotaphy (3.8k)

Dean's phone doesn't ring on the drive back to the Bunker, but that's okay. Because—well, maybe Cas lost his cell, what with getting shuffled back and forth between a cosmic void dimension and all. And anyway, Dean doesn't want this conversation to happen over the phone, he wants to—he wants to talk to Cas face-to-face. They should talk face-to-face.

Dean will tell him—

Dean doesn't know what he'll tell Cas. Dean is, in fact, terrified by how utterly and completely he does not know what he'll say to Cas.

cas being forced to face the consequences of sending the risky text that was despair <3

dean’s coworkers vs the heteronormative agenda by cowboydeanwinchester (4.1k)

Dean started working at a local auto repair shop in Lebanon, Kansas about a year ago. His coworkers don't know much about him. Except that he has a wife. Or maybe he doesn't. But he has a kid. Who is either a toddler or a high schooler. Who is either named Jack or Sammy. He also might have a best friend named Cas, but that also might be his wife.

Truth is nobody knows what to make of Dean.

obsessed w people not knowing a single fucking thing about dean because he talks so much and never explains anything. this fic is SO funny

Enhanced Extraction Techniques by goldenraeofsun (5.8k)

The Empty takes Meg’s shape, Samandriel’s, Duma’s, every one of the thousands of angels Cas killed up in heaven. But in the middle of lecturing Cas in the form of Balthazar, it explodes in a burst of light and sound.

Dean Winchester stands in the aftermath.

the empty playing mind games on an awake cas bc it can’t put him to sleep is a thing i like a lot and this is very very good 

Speak Silence No More by rea_sunshine (8.1k)

When Dean imagined this moment, it went like this:

Dean bursts into the Empty—guns blazing, chin high, righteous anger coursing through him. No matter what form his plans and fantasies and whiskey-drunk-whispered-promises took, he is always, always successful. When he imagined it, he was finally the hero Cas deserved.

The reality of the moment is this:

It’s fucking cold.

dean and cas STILL managing to not communicate with each other properly after the confession is so funny to me and this fic does it really well. also i like that a human being in the empty, where humans do NOT belong, had some like. consequences

my heart is a compass by lagaudiere (10k)

“There you are,” the Empty says, in Dean’s voice. It’s cold, like Dean’s eyes are cold, his expression set in contempt. It’s the expression Cas feared, he realizes, all the times he thought about saying it. Revulsion. It makes him feel sick in the way that goes beyond physical, here where there is nothing physical left.

The moment before it happened had been so sweet it covered up all the hurt. For years, Cas had been holding back those words, biting down on his tongue to keep from saying them. And now he had said it, and he knew that it was good, knew that it was worth it. But on the other side there is only this.

--

In the Empty, Cas dreams of his regrets, until someone comes looking for him.

one of thee best dean rescues cas from the empty fics out there i love the way his memories are written i love how many of them were ones that this fic came up with to give me new things to have brainworms over instead of just making me more fixated on He Watched Him Rake Leaves than i already am

killing time by orestespdf (11k)

It's been four years since Dean saved Cas from the Empty and confessed his feelings in return, and in their Vermont lakehouse, the retired couple is now learning how to heal. One morning, Dean gives Cas a haircut.

(A character study of Castiel.)

perfect fic perfect fic no notes no complaints they love each other so much and now dean is giving cas a haircut and they’re spending the day together. god.

and every time we kiss, i swear i can fly by knameless (14k)

Every time, Dean tells himself it’s the last.

--

aka, twelve times dean and cas kiss.

a just boy best friends kiss for every season <3 mwah

for which no words exist by MediaWhore (14k)

'a prayer for which no words exist' // richard siken

"Dear Cas who art in my bathtub, give me the strength to be honest about how I feel. For your sake and for mine. Forgive me all the times I wasn’t in the past, all the words I should have said but didn’t. And please stay. Please stay with me when all is said and done. Amen. "

Dean rescues a newly human Cas from the Empty. That's the easy step.

mediawhore i am in LOVE with you oh my god this fic. this fic. dean taking care of cas after rescuing him dean wrapping cas in a blanket oh my GOD

swimming with the fish pond fish by februyuri (17k)

Some time between Dean bleeding out on a makeshift hook in a barn in Ohio and Sam making marshmallows on his funeral pyre, Dean was brought back to life. By Castiel. Again. Dean agreed to it if only to give Jack time to work out the glitches up top. So, now Dean’s back in the land of the living and things are ... actually good, for once.

Or, as good as they can be when demons are attacking Earth, Dean’s failing to get over why he died in the first place, and Cas is suddenly, inexplicably taking every opportunity to casually tell Dean that he loves him.

this is a wip! but it is so good and so worth the read i love it a lot and am very excited for the last chapter. it IS pretty heavy though dean has a LOT to work through

looking like a true survivor (feeling like a little kid) by courfeyrac (20k)

"Jack’s a clever kid—has been ever since he was born, maybe even before that—but Dean’s pretty sure he hasn’t figured out where they’re going yet. And Dean’s… Dean’s excited about it. He remembers planning surprises for Sammy when they were little—saving up quarters and sneaking off to the arcade the year he turned seven, or slipping a book Dean had seen Sammy admiring into his jacket before sprinting out of the store the year he turned twelve. There was only so much Dean could give him back then, hindered by lack of finances and transportation and a father who paid attention. Now, though, Dean’s got a wallet full of cash, a tank full of gas, and the freedom to give his kid the kind of birthday he deserves."

Or, it's Jack's fourth birthday, and the kid wants to go to Build-A-Bear.

EVERYONE READ THIS RIGHT NOW. that is not a request this fic undid me. oh my god. oh my god. they’re a family and they’re going to build a bear and they love each other. oh my god. also no it isn’t a baby jack fic he is 4 and he is also alcal

what’s missing is found (our souls can exhale now) by sobsicles (27k)

It's not the first time Claire has ever gone missing. It is, however, the first time Kaia panics about it. Dean's dragged into the mess, but he soon finds that it's the best thing that could have happened to him.

~~~

"But have you ever just met someone and maybe it wasn't from the first moment, maybe it was after all these other moments that meant more than you ever expected them to, and it seems like your soul just—just—" Kaia makes a helpless gesture with her hands, pushing out, and she breathes out loudly. "Like it can finally exhale. And that person isn't guaranteed to make you happy, but they're—they're important. You just know it, you can't even escape it, you can't let them go. Ever met someone like that, Dean?"

"I—" Dean halts, his mouth hanging open. He's looking at Kaia, who's looking at him, and his heart is fluttering in his throat like a caged bird aching to soar again. His mind threatens to spiral out of control, but he focuses, swallowing hard. "Yeah. Um. I—yeah, I have."

deancas AND dreamhunter we love to see it also dean DOES smoke weed with kaia and apologizes for pulling a gun on her what more could you want in a fic

Command Me To Be Well by prospopeya (28k)

Dean did a lot of thinking about when and how he would get Cas back. Months of it, actually, stretching into a year, because while Sam and Eileen were settling into their new lives, Dean was stuck. He was stuck in a faraway corner of the bunker, dark and empty and hollow, ringing with the sound of a vibrating phone.

So when he falls to his knees in that same room, exhausted, hurting, breathless, and he feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Cas, he realizes that he doesn't have a single clue about what to do now. Getting Cas out had been easy--actually, it'd been the opposite of that--but the planning of it, the methodical desperation of one attempt after the other had been a familiar rhythm. It'd been soothing almost, solid, something to focus on that wasn't Cas's eyes, watery and jubilant in a way Dean hadn't ever seen that up close on anyone, let alone Cas.

And now Cas is pulling him to his feet, and Dean's stumbling, and he instinctually grabs Cas's arm, and his hand lights up with a fire that he isn't prepared for.

"Hello, Dean."

oh post despair lack of communication....oh dean refusing to work through his feelings...this fic is incredible i love it everyone who enjoys dean doing everything in his power to avoid talking about feelings up to and including having sex with the guy who’s in love with him multiple times should read this

break the skin (to break the barriers) by sobsicles (29k)

The first time she meets him, he's nothing more than an almost-missed appointment.

SOBSICLES TATTOO FIC MY BELOVED. dean grieving and getting tattoos and it turns into tattoo therapy. im SO in love with mitzi it’s insane. requires some suspension of disbelief for how long a tattoo takes but it’s an incredible fic and an unparalleled experience. sobsicles does not miss

ascend by quiettewandering (53k)

Something in the world is wrong.

Demon activity is rising where mysterious black substance oozes and unusual ecological events are shaking the world. Dean, grief hanging on his shoulders, restlessly searches for answers that might lead him to the Empty… and to Cas.

But what Chuck wrote can’t be undone. The narrative thread pulls Dean along, forcing him to comply. Because once a story already has an ending, it can’t be rewritten.

Or can it?

SUPER cool concept i liked this a lot i’m pretty sure everyone’s read it already but just in case someone hasn’t you absolutely should

oh sooner or later it all comes down to faith by sobsicles (62k)

Getting used to Heaven is something of a marvel. It ain't perfect, and Dean thinks he'd hate it if it was, which is probably why it isn't.

~~~

"You don't understand," Dean whispers, exhaling shakily. "I know you don't, because even I don't. The instant you were gone, I wanted you back. Cas, I wanted you back. I wanted—I wanted—"

Cas stares at him, searching his face. After a moment, his own face falls slack, eyes widening just so. "Oh," he breathes out.

Dean wants to be furious that Cas has figured it out before he has—whatever it is—but he's not even that surprised. Cas knows him too well, always has, even more than Dean knows himself. He's been kicking Dean in the goddamn teeth with how deeply he understands him, even about the things Dean doesn't, ever since they first met. You don't think you deserve to be saved, that's what Cas had said. All bundled up in impossibilities and power, this being that looked at Dean Winchester and knew every single inch of him, as if he had a right to each part.

"What?" Dean grits out.

"I love you, too."

the ONLY heaven fic. i do not read heaven fics bc i refuse to budge in my finale denialism i refuse to read fic where it is accepted that dean dies. i was hesitant to read this but god im glad i did it was so good. literally the best possible outcome of dean dying

Endverse

final fantasy. by orange_crushed (1.9k)

“If I’d actually been born human, would I have gotten sick like everyone else? Would I be running around gnawing on the neighbors?” Castiel tilts his head up and even from here Dean can see the black ring of his pupils, wide and dark as dead stars. He’s high as fuck and he’s been loading the guns for forty-five minutes. He stares into the space where Dean is. He smiles and shows his teeth. “Maybe you’d have already put a bullet in my head.”

"This is why you don’t lead storytime anymore," Dean says. "This kind of shit."

endverse last night on earth fics are something that can be so personal actually. god

The Last Song by Moorishflower (3.5k)

The very last song is the Song of Solomon, and Castiel sings it only for Dean. Set in "The End."

this is like. pre endverse and the tone is so like. wistful? is the best word ive got? it’s gorgeous i love it but fair warning there is graphic description of like. viscera and infected wounds

to think that we could stay the same by cipherwriter (6.5k)

cas has all he needs; himself, his creation, and enough power to continue this cycle for a long time. he's fine. dean wants to take care of him anyway.

oh my GOD this one is good it’s based off the thing of how originally endverse cas was supposed to be just sitting in a room killing and resurrecting the same cockroach over and over. very bittersweet at some points i love it a lot, do not read it if youre looking for something happy though lmao

the first church at the end of the world by withbloodstainedclothingon (11k)

The angels don’t eat the brain. Only Croats do that.

this one is fucked but it’s incredible it contains very heavy and violent subject matter and cas is an Actual cult leader he doesn’t just have orgies it is SO well done and i had a great time reading it i recommend it very highly if the warnings sound like something you can stomach

Down to Agincourt by seperis (1.1 million. i know. yes it’s a wip)

There is no such thing as a guarantee when it comes to war.

The outcome's known. Why try? Return your rusty sword to battered sheath, bow your head and bend your stubborn knee. Why take the field when you cannot win the war? But Harry -- he went down to Agincourt.

PLEASE. i know the length is intimidating i KNOW it’s a very long fic but please. please read down to agincourt i am begging you. head in my HANDS this series is incredible.

Non Supernatural AUS

Long-Term Relationship by bendingsignpost (2.7k)

Castiel says, budging over to make room for Dean on the couch, “I thought we should have a serious talk about our relationship.”

Reflexively, Dean laughs.

Castiel does not.

“Uh, Cas... you know we’re not dating, right?”

look man it’s bendingsignpost okay. it’s bendingsignpost it’s good and it’s sweet and you should read it

One White Lie by komodobits (11k)

Castiel takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t need to run through what he’s going to say – he’s already planned and edited and rehearsed it a thousand times. He is going to ask Dean Winchester out to dinner. If it’s not too forward, he’ll say, perfectly charming. You see, I’ve seen you around the neighbourhood and you always seem so earnest and I’d really like to get to know you bette— The door swings open, and Castiel panics.

He intends to excuse himself. He means to apologise and come back some other time. However, in a moment of blind fear, what comes out of his mouth instead are the words, “Could you spare a moment for Jesus Christ?”

do you ever pretend to be a jehovahs witness for months to hang out with the guy you like because you fucked up asking him out? yeah.

separate ways and sleeping dogs by sobsicles (53k)

Dean is three years sober when Cas comes back into town.

~~~

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Dean, once again, has to swallow the urge to offer to swallow something else. It's very hard to resist the gut-wrenching pull of want that hooks in his chest whenever he looks at Cas. And to think, he used to have him, used to be able to act on that want.

God, he's so fucking stupid.

Well, there's no point in kicking himself three years later for shit he can't change. He'll just sit right here and pretend that his fingers aren't twitching with the urge to reach out and touch. He can't do that anymore, and it's his own damn fault.

"Three years ago," Cas prompts.

Dean huffs a weak laugh. "Yeah. Eventful."

this fic hit me SO hard emotionally oh my god. don’t have much to say bc most of my thoughts on this fic are very personal but my god read this please

Everyone’s a Critic by Englandwouldfall (109k)

The one where uninspired chef Dean Winchester has a one night stand with the male (!) food critic who described the flavour of his garlic bread as 'closeted' and accidentally ends up dating him to try and prove that he's a kick ass chef, thank you very much.

(He may have a point about the 'closeted' thing).

this one is SO fun. dating the food critic who called your garlic bread closeted and lying about your career because you’re embarrassed and you want to redeem your food in his eyes but then you fall in love with him

Non Destiel Centric

gender? you mean that thing i have that pisses people off? by bigender dean winchester (homosexualitie) (946 words)

sam and dean paint each other's nails and dean abuses the technicalities of her gender. what more could you want? 

HELLO HE/SHE DEAN COMMUNITY oh my god the pure rush of euphoria reading this. oh my god. oh my god. 

the quiet road to a distant city by rottingbrains (1.2k)

Sam stares out the windshield again. They’re approaching a city, and she can see the lights in the distance. She’s past the danger zone, and she feels like the world around her reflects that in some way she can’t put into words- as if God is telling her that it’s okay. She did the right thing, and soon she will be past the lonely unknown and into the warm, forgiving light of acceptance. Or something. Come to think of it, the lights only look warm from far away, and she knows that the actual city will seem far less welcoming. Still. Best not to imagine the worst when it’s already going well.

required reading for transfem lesbian sam fans. fics that live in your ribcage to make your heart feel good

Four People Ruby Seduced & One She Actually Fell For (Or: Ruby's Epic Love Affair with Humanity in General and Sam in Specific) by tuesday (3.7k)

In which Ruby has a lot of sex, is not any kind of therapist that would be legal, and helps a few people out for her own reasons. (S4/S5 AU)

for everyone out there who enjoys ruby being a girlboss <3

Fractured Link by Trell (orphan_account) (5.5k)

Meg goes on, resolute despite the way Dean flinches, "He likes me. He likes me a lot, and I like him back, and that's probably good enough for both of us. But fuck me for saying so, Dean-o, he loves you, probably more than anything else on his daddy's green Earth, and you need to man up and give back what Clarence over there has been devoting to you for years."

this is meg/dean/cas which is not smth i really seek out but this was extremely good. set in s7 so it’s meg and dean and honey cas and it’s a lot of dean figuring his shit out and trying to forgive cas and i love meg a lot in this

[amberwritesstuffs]

A touch of fire.

Summary: You have the power to control fire, you get an invite to join the Avengers; but what happens when they know the truth about you and your past?

Warnings: Little angst!/Mentions of death/Mentions of suicide.

Word count: 6k

Blurry.

That’s all you see. The trees passing by at a relatively fast speed before you… Or are you passing them? Are they running, afraid of you or are you the one that’s moving?

You try to focus yourself a little because all is extremely blurry and confusing.

“Y/N?” A voice asks and you do your best to just focus on where the voice is coming from.

“The tranquilizer must have been stronger than we thought” he says.

A tranquilizer. Right. You remember vaguely now.

The man sitting in front of you of the limousine is now your boss, Nick Fury, you can see his brow furrowed at you, concerned.

“Y/N? Can you tell me how you feel?”

You try and nod. “Everything is blurry… Where am I?” You tried to ask where they were taking you but couldn’t focus enough to say it.

“We are on the road… We should arrive maybe in half an hour” Fury says. Arrive… Where? “Y/N sleep a little… I’ll call Dr. Cho to tell her the tranquilizer was too powerful to you, she should change it immediately, so you don’t have any problems, alright?”

You nod, not exactly registering his words, so you focus on the trees moving outside, when your eyes give in.

You wake up in a room you’ve never seen before, it’s bright and the light is too much for your eyes, but you try to keep them open. Scanning the room, you realize your boss is there.

“Well, soldier I thought you’d never wake up!” he says smiling, you smile too, even though you are a little confused, mind still a little hazy.

“Where am I?” you ask sitting up.

“At the Avengers compound. Do you remember something?” he says carefully.

Remember… Ah, yes. You remember being on a medical bed, Dr. Cho telling you something about a new drug she created that was supposed to keep you relaxed so your emotions couldn’t go crazy, and your powers exploded.

“Yes, that’s exactly it. You remember why you need said drug?” Fury keeps interrogating, concern written all over his face.

“Not really…?”

“Well, it was the deal the government proposed when I got you out of their prison to bring you here.” Here… That’s where it clicks, you are on the Avengers compound, Fury said they needed to bring you here so you could train your powers and (as the government said) ‘not be a threat’.

You start to panic, your emotions getting the best of you as you start feeling fear and guilt all over again. They think you are dangerous, and you actually know you are, but it’s not what you want, you don’t want to be dangerous, you never wanted any of that to happen.

“Y/N I need you calm down, everything is going to be alright, you are safe now, I need you to focus on me and breathe or I am going to have to sedate you again” Fury says approaching you with his hands on either side of your face as he makes you look at him. When you do, you see concern and understanding on his features, so you try to do as he said. You close your eyes and take a deep breath.

You open your eyes relaxing as the panic starts to flow away. Fury smiles at you proudly. “That’s it… Now… We need to go, they are waiting patiently for us but are dying to meet you.”

--

Maybe an hour later you are walking out of the meeting room following Fury being a nervous ball. He introduced you to all of the Avengers, having you stand by his side before the large table where everyone was reunited. Eyes scanning you did nothing for your nervousness so you just ducked your head and played with your sleeves, not really listening to what Fury was saying next to you.

You know he filled them in with general information about you but reserved the details like you asked him to. They know your powers appeared a year ago, there was an accident where your powers got out of control and there were casualties, the government captured you and you spent months on a maximum-security facility where they used a collar to suppress your powers. He didn’t talk about the worst parts, just that he was informed months later about you and he fought for your release until he made a deal that state you had to control your powers and in the meantime you had to take a sedative drug to prevent more accidents. Or that they experimented on you trying to know where your powers came from. Or that you almost gave yourself to the pain and was about to give up on life. He talked to you and gave you hope again.

“We hope we can make you feel welcome, if you need anything just ask.” Captain America, or as he said: Steve, told you as you soon as you were outside the room.

“We don’t want you feeling any pressure, we are all family here, and we are happy to have another member”, the famous Tony Stark smiled to you.

“Thank you” you said, feeling a little less nervous, knowing that they were trying to make your stay pleasant.

“Fury told us about you a few days ago, and we tried to accommodate your room, but you can always tell us if you want something changed; what about if we show it to you so you can relax and set in?” Tony spoke again, and his tone was like he was talking to a son, and you felt warm inside. You smiled and nodded.

“I can take her there.” A feminine voice said.

Holy shit. Wanda fucking Maximoff was volunteering to show you the place. You felt your cheeks heat up.

Of course you knew who the Avengers were. You remember watching the news and seeing them save the day, even on Instagram and Twitter you would see videos of people experiencing up close the battle.

But out of all of them, Wanda Maximoff always stood up at your eye. You knew she was relatively new and she lost her brother some time ago. But since, you’ve been seeing her everywhere saving the day. Not mentioning you found her terriblybeautiful and hot. You would fantasize about meeting her but now there she was, standing in front of you, a warming smile on her lips and her green piercing eyes watching you with kindness.

You did nothing but nod with a new renewed nervousness to have your celebrity crush smiling you like that. Her face lit up with excitement and she offered a hand for you to take it. You felt a blush creeping up your neck as you took her hand and let her guide you around the compound. You smiled and said a thank you to the people that were talking to you before Wanda dragged you through the corridors.

--

You almost gasped as you took in the room that was supposed to be yours. It was big, and modern, and it had everything you needed and more.

“So… You like it?” Wanda smiled shyly to you, with her hands behind her back and an amused smile on her lips.

You could only nod, mouth open in amazement. The bed was bigger than you ever had and you almost felt like crying since this was the first time in… A lot of time… You were going to sleep on an actual bed. The past months being on jail and barely sleeping on the bunk that was nothing but super uncomfortable. You sat down on the bed, feeling the softness and warmth of it as your fingers traced it. “It’s so soft and warm…” You echoed your thoughts.

Wanda stopped smiling slightly, hearing what you said. “Yes… That is your bed… You like it?” She chewed on her lower lip, remembering what Fury said about you being on a maximum-security facility, and feeling the need to read your thoughts as they were really loud, but she knew better, before she would’ve, but now she was better.

“Yeah… It’s not cold and uncomfortable…” She looked at you, sadness written all over her face, you being so deep in thought and overwhelmed with emotions. But this time was different, there were good emotions.

Wanda moved and knelt before you, taking your hands on hers. “Everything will be fine from now on.” She said staring right into your eyes that took your breath for a moment. “You are safe here and we are going to protect you and care for you… I really hope you can see us as a family, because right now we are accepting you.”

Your eyes filled with tears, and the only thing you could do was nod as you felt warmth on your hands, but it was way different from the warmth you were used to feel.

“I’ll let you settle in, alright? It will be almost dinner time and we would love to have you there, what’d you say?” You nodded again, and Wanda smiled with amusement at your loss of words. “If you need anything, I’m in the room beside you. The one in front is Natasha’s, and the one beside hers it’s empty, we kinda separate from the boys for our commodity.” She explained and felt a little relieved to know there were only women around you.

But you felt hella intimidated too.

Natasha fucking Romanoff and Wanda fucking Maximoff were your neighbors. This was both intimidating and awesome.

Wanda left your room with a shy “See you later” and you fell completely on the bed, feeling overwhelmed again but in a good way now.

After thinking about it, you went to take a shower and change your clothes, and right after you fell asleep almost instantly. Someone knocked on your door and you stirred awake.

“Come in”. Wanda peeked her head into your room, smiling.

“Hi, Y/N, can we come in?” You furrowed your brows, we? You nodded, standing up, just as two women entered your room, and your eyes widened.

Natasha Romanoff was standing right next to Wanda, a friendly smile on her lips.

“Hi, Y/N, I’m sorry I couldn’t come with you and Wanda after the meeting, I had to make some paperwork for Fury. I’m Natasha” She held out a hand, and you took it, starstruck by both women.

Both women giggled when you said nothing, and you cleared your throat. “Hi, I’m Y/N” you blurted out awkwardly and they giggled a little again.

“So, dinner is almost ready, you hungry?” Wanda said, feeling joyful.

“Yeah, I am…” You said quietly but smiling. Wanda offered her hand again and you took it as Natasha guided you with her hand on the small of your back.

Normally this would be scary. Holding hands with someone for more than a second, or the proximity both women offered you would just give you anxiety. But this time was different, they seemed to not fear you, instead, they had kind eyes and warming smiles that just made you feel safe even when you knew them for a few hours.

--

Dinner was quite something, everyone joking and laughing as someone was telling some story, or Sam just said something funny mostly towards Bucky, as he was the loudest and Bucky the quieter. It felt like home, and you were grateful for it as you missed the feeling. No one asked you intrusive questions, nor pushed you to talk, they sensed you were feeling shy and instead, tried to make the environment more welcoming for you.

After it, you head up to your room with Natasha and Wanda beside you, talking about nothing.

“So” Nat begun “Tomorrow we start with your training, please be ready at 8 am, yes?”

“Yes” you said, a little more confident to speak this time. The women smiled at you and were parting to their rooms when you felt the need to talk. They’ve been so sweet and caring for you, and you only got out a few words towards them. “Um…” You began, not sure of what to say, both stopped and looked at you carefully. “Thank you… For, uh, for everything you did for me today… It’s a little overwhelming… But I’ll try my best.” You were looking down and playing with your sleeves all time, until Wanda used her hand to lift your chin so you could watch her.

“I know it’s overwhelming, no one is going to push you, you are safe here.” Natasha agreed putting her hand on your shoulder. You nodded, feeling loss at words again. They smiled again and said their good nights before disappearing into their rooms, you did the same, feeling relaxed and at peace for the first time in a long time.

--

You almost overslept, the bed was comfier that you thought and rested what you couldn’t in a long time but you were ready just in time when a knock came to your door.

“Y/N? Are you ready?” You heard Natasha’s voice on the other side. You opened the door and smiled, saying a “Yes, Nat”. She smiled at the nickname and motioned you to follow her. Before heading out, she knocked on Wanda’s door. “Wanda? Are you ready?” Wanda shouted an “Yeah, give me 2 seconds!” and short after she was stepping out with a smile on her face.

“Good morning, Tasha, Y/N” She greeted and both Natasha and you said the same. “Let’s go, it’s a big day today” Wanda seemed to be excited, but you could only feel nervous and anxious. This was going to be the first time they see your powers, and you could only think they were going to be scared and kick you after. Wanda, being the telepath she was, sensed your troubled mind and touched your arm kindly. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…” You said, not feeling sure. Wanda smiled cutely.

“Hey… Everything’s going to be okay, we are here to help you, okay?” You nodded.

When you arrived at the training area, Steve, Bruce and Tony were already there. They greeted everyone and Bruce addressed you.

“Fury told me to give you this, but he didn’t quite tell me why, he said you needed to explain.” You stomach made a turn and felt heavy as you took the vial you recognized as the tranquilizer Dr. Cho created for you. Everyone eyed you carefully, questioning looks on their faces but said nothing.

“They are… Tranquilizers… They are supposed to make me feel relaxed.” You said sadly. And the Avengers noticed it. Tony tried to lighten the mood.

“Banner, I think you could ask Fury for some of those, they would be quite handy.” Everyone laughed slightly at Bruce’s face that reflected confusion, indignation and irritability.

Steve talked. “Well, Y/N, show us what you can do” when he finished, everyone started to back off, you looked at Wanda and then Natasha, they had reassuring smiles on their faces, as if saying “You got this”.

You sighed, and the anxiety came back, you didn’t want anyone to be harmed, and when you used your powers, that happened. Wanda must have sensed your doubt, as she approached to you. “Y/N, everything is okay… You can do it.”

“I don’t want anyone to be harmed” you whispered. Wanda touched your arm reassuringly.

“No one is going to be hurt, I promise you, I won’t let it.” You finally looked at her eyes and almost gasped at the intensity they reflected. You don’t know why, but you knew you could trust her. It was maybe that she felt what you felt a lot time ago, when they accepted her as one of the Avengers, maybe she understood, that’s what made you give her the shots.

“Please… If you see something going out of control with me… Just take the shot, this should calm me instantly.” She took them and nodded. Then she smiled and you felt a little better.

She backed up again and you took the chance to do it.

You brought your arms before you and tensed your fingers, concentrating. Then it happened. A little flame came out of your fingers and quickly became a full fire floating around your hands. You closed your palms before the fire could spread and looked at the Avengers, scared of what they might think.

“Can you do something else? Like throw them? Fire balls or something?” Tony asked, genuinely concentrated.

“Yes… And I can throw fire from all of my body too, but hands are the easiest.” You responded, shyly.

“Can you-“

“Tony what the hell, she can’t throw fire here, it can be dangerous.” You flinched at Bruce’s words… He was scared… You thought they were different, but here, you could see it, he thought you were dangerous…

“No, she’s not” Wanda spoke above their voices. You jerked your face up to see her. She had an annoyed look on her face as she walked to you. You only watched her until she got in front of you, a decided look on her beautiful eyes. “I can help. Throw them to me” Your eyes widened.

“What-?”

“Trust me” She whispered. But you didn’t know. Throw them? To her? What- was she crazy? “Y/N, trust me, I have powers on my own.” She said teasingly and you nodded, still doubtful.

She backed up a little, being opposite to you, and got into position.

“It’s okay” She said, still sensing your doubts. “You can do it, throw them. I’m ready.”

You were still scared but prepared to do as she said. You tensed your fingers again and the fire grew, then you separated your hands so each hand had a fire ball. Then you threw it.

You regretted it the moment you did, what were you thinking? It’s fire, it’s dangerous, but it was too late now, the fire ball went directly to Wanda. But she then used her powers to create a barrier that suffocated the fire ball when reached to it. You were dumbfounded. She just extinguished it? She smiled at you. “Told you.” She said happily as her eyes drifted from red to green.

After that, it was settled that Wanda would train you, since she was the one that could take the hits safely.

--

You grew extremely close to Wanda. Natasha would see you train too, always being pending on what you needed. She assumed this motherly figure to you and you were really grateful for it. But for Wanda…

Both of you would train for hours and you grew more confident of your powers because of her. She figured out a way to teach you how to use your powers correctly, and how to control your body temperature, as when you used your powers, your hands would end up burnt, and Wanda bandaging you carefully taking extra care. You were getting better and better at not burning your own skin.

It was a matter of time for you to develop strong feelings towards the witch. You already had a sort of celebrity crush but getting to know her personally up close was a totally different story. It was with her that you learned about a new way your face would heat up as you spent most of the time blushing because of her, as if it was a compliment or Wanda’s laugh. You spent a lot of time together and did everything together; she was the cook for the team and quickly you became her assistant, the team would constantly tease you because every time you both cooked, you would linger on it playing around.

The time you realized you were in love with her was when you were making Bolognese pasta for dinner and you started to play around pretending to play an accordion like the “Lady and the Tramp” as you sang the most horrible way possible just to make her laugh. She quickly picked up as she laughed to sing along with you; her laugh, combined with her melodic voice, became your favorite sound on the whole world. Then, as the last part of the song came, you took a single noodle in your mouth and motioned her to take it, she blushed but took it as you progressively went closer, stopping only until you were inches away, you stayed like that for a few seconds until you pulled away coughing awkwardly trying to hide your blush, Wanda giggled and served a plate only to push a single meatloaf your way, you catch the reference and quickly feel your neck heat up as you giggle, staring lovingly at her eyes. You stayed like that a moment, both of you unable to tear your gazes apart until Nat came through the door asking for the food. Both of you coughed awkwardly before Wanda blurted out a “Yes, it’s ready”, as you took the plates to take them to the table, feeling all your face go red. Nat only watched as an amused smiled grew on her lips. Since that day you were certain that your feelings for the witch were bigger than you thought, and it confused you since you weren’t sure if she felt the same way or she was just being friendly.

Your friendship with the team grew progressively quick as you kept training. When the team saw more control over your powers they started training you in 1v1 combat too, telling you that you needed to know how to fight too. Natasha was the one to help you with that, and every time you fought with her, Wanda was close to check on you, earning a knowing look from Nat as she teased how you weren’t able to be alone anymore, normally you’d laugh to hide the blush covering your cheeks. Everything was going just fine, until Fury came one day.

He claimed you weren’t taking the tranquilizers and scolded you for that, because that was the part of the bargain. But you didn’t like taking them, they made your mind hazy and affected your life inside the compound, not being able to socialize or train properly with the team.

Your argument got heated (quite literally) as you felt your body get hotter. He feared you. You were dangerous on his eyes and that’s why you had to take the tranquilizers. He did not care about you getting better at controlling them. He feared you could go crazy again and murdered everyone.

You got out of the conference room and headed straight to the training room hopeful you could calm down on your own and not with the stupid drugs. That’s when Nat came in and saw you punching the punching bag with steam coming out of your hands. She tried to talk to you but you were blinded in so much pain.

You tried. And it wasn’t enough for him. Him… The person that got you out of the misery. Without him, you’d still be at the hands of the government or dead. But still, no matter how hard you tried. You. Still. Were. Not. Enough.

Nat tried to get your attention but all she did was to burn her hands as she tried to touch you. When she screamed, you finally registered her presence, when you saw what you did to her, you got scared. Not her, you didn’t want to hurt her. Any of them.

“Nat, I’m so sorry.” You said, panicked, she tried to smile but only came out as a crocked smile, still holding her hands, you tried to come closer to her and grab her hands to see the damage, and she allows it, only to scream again when your heated palms touched her wrists. You look down and see her wrists red, as the smell of burn flesh invades your senses. “I’m so sorry, Nat, please.”

She sees you with terrified eyes, and you try to approach only for her to back off, trembling in pain. She didn’t want to be scared of you, but the hurt was making her act out of pure instinct. When you saw the fear on Natasha’s eyes, you panicked, and then ran off to your room, not seeing how your feet were leaving little flames everywhere they touched.

When you got to your room, you nearly set up everything on fire, everything you touched got burnt at some level. You went on full panic attack mode, where you grabbed your head, feeling a burning sensation as your palms were still heated. You tried to concentrate but the guilt came back, making you hate yourself, as you tried to stop thinking. And the familiar feeling came. The one you felt back at the maximum-security facility. The guilt fueled at maximum level and your mind trying to take it out. You stopped to see your hands and after a few seconds, lit them on fire, just for you to start bringing them to your own head, it would be easier, to just stop feeling. It would just hurt for a while, then everything would be at peace.

Then you felt something, a pinch, and your mind became blurry as your powers shut down. Someone dragged you to the bathroom and placed you under the shower. You felt cold water as your body poured out steam as it went back to it’s normal temperature.

--

You wake up feeling your head hurt. And when you open your eyes, Wanda is right next to you, eyes teary and a sad smile on her face. You try to smile and ask what happened when you see a burn on her right cheek. It’s red, and even though it does not look as bad at what you did to Nat, you can still see the damage. You try and reach before stopping yourself and dropping your hand again, afraid to hurt her.

“You are okay. Don’t worry, you are okay.” She must have sensed you wanted to ask, so she answered. “I shot you the tranquilizer, then got you into the shower. We all heard Tasha’s screams and went to check on her, but everything is alright now. She is fine.” You saw something in her eyes and you knew there was something she wasn’t telling you. But before that, you pointed her check.

“Did I do that?” You asked, scared of it. When she nodded, you felt even worse than before. You didn’t want to hurt any of the team, but Wanda and Nat were the ones that had a place in your heart. But knowing you hurt Wanda… The girl you fell for, just added to the feeling you had earlier. However, your mind was still hazy from the tranquilizer, so your powers remained shut down. “How… How did I hurt you?” You asked barely above a whisper, feeling your throat clench and your eyes starting to burn.

“I’m not sure… I entered the room and saw your hands on fire, and I listened what you were thinking and trying to do, so I just took the shot as you told me, but I think it was a reflex, as your hand brushed my cheek… Then I tried to take you into the shower but you were extremely hot for me to touch you directly, so I used my powers to do it. You fell asleep short after… You’ve been asleep for half an hour.”

“How’s Nat?” you asked after a little silence.

“She will be fine, Bruce treated her wounds and he said she will be fine.”

“What are you not telling me, Wanda?” You asked, sad all over your face. She sighed.

“You almost burnt the compound…” Your eyes go wide and the tears that were forming started to fall. “You left little flames with your feet. And it started expanding. Thanks to Tony and Steve everything was controlled, and didn’t go big…” A silence comes next, and you feel worse than before.

Then you start crying, “Not again…” You say, covering your face with your hands. “It is all over again, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” Wanda moves from where she is sitting at the edge of the bed and climbs with you, making you lay on top of her. You tense, afraid of hurting her again, when she says “I’m not afraid of you. You could never hurt me.” And then tears come down full force as you hide your face on the crook of her neck as she hugs you tight.

When you calm down, she says “Since I met you, I felt this guilt and fear inside you… Fury never told us why they captured you and were on jail at a maximum facility.” You tense and she continues “I felt what you were going to do, you were going to use your own powers to kill yourself… And that wasn’t the first time you thought about it… What happened? Why are you so scared? Please talk to me, Y/N, I want to help you.”

You remain silent for a moment, after you decide it’s time to tell her, at least her.

“My powers came to me after being exposed to a weird animal. My parents used to work to the government in some place they had weird creatures they were experimenting on. There was this kind of Phoenix I always felt attracted to, I didn’t know why. My parents used to let my little brother and I go to their laboratory for us to see what they were working on. But this creature was so fascinating to me, I made the mistake of wanting to watch it up close. It was cute at first as the creature was friendly. And then it bit me. I felt sick at the very moment and my parents treated me the best way possible.” You make a pause, and snuggle closer to Wanda, which only hugs you tighter. “They kept it hidden to their bosses and everyone, but eventually my powers emerged. My parents did not want any trouble or for me to be captured and experimented on, so we all kept it a secret. But they kept growing and getting stronger by the second. I would release little amounts of energy with little balls of fire or just a flame to light the stove or to lit up the chimney. But one day my parents and I got involved in a big, big fight.” You took time to compose yourself, knowing this was the first time you actually talked with anyone about this, and Wanda, sensing where this was going, only sighed and hugged you closer, afraid that you might break.

“The fight began with me telling them I wanted to go to college and make some friends. After the incident I was quarantined on my home, not being able to see anyone else than my parents, and it was killing me, even though it happened merely a month before. They said no. I wanted to go. They said it was too dangerous. I said I could control them and be normal. And they screamed that I wasn’t normal and I was dangerous. And then I lost it. I think it exploded… All of the energy kept inside me… My emotions got the best of it… And I just let go…” You flinch again, remembering the scene and starting to cry uncontrollably again. Wanda says nothing as she feels her own tears stream down her face. “I just… Remember after seeing their bodies… What once was their bodies, burnt… Dead… Because of me… My father, my mother… My little brother… I didn’t mean to-… It was an accident…” And then you couldn’t talk anymore, as you crumbled in Wanda’s arms, crying, pouring your heart out. The woman beside you only hugs you and cries silently. But she sensed there was more. Seeing you couldn’t talk, she asked: “Can I look inside your head?” She tried to say it as gentle as she could so she didn’t disturb you. After thinking about it, you nodded, and her hand went to your temple and her eyes lit up red.

She saw everything, the moment the creature bit you, the moment you gained your powers, the frustration you felt of being kept, the argument, the accident, when they captured you and experimented on you, suppressing your powers with the collar, the moment Fury came to you offering an opportunity. She saw and felt everything. After it, you just cried until you fell asleep on her arms.

Wanda couldn’t sleep that night. She was afraid that someone could rip you away from her. All the fear that you felt during everything was stuck in her brain. She understood you. She lost her parents and her brother too, but this was different, very different. She could only imagine the amount of guilt you felt. “Don’t worry, princess, I’m going to take care of you from now on. This is a promise.” She couldn’t deny it anymore. She was so deep in love with you. Since the first day she felt drawn to you, being the newest Avenger until you arrived made her want to be close to you, and she only wanted to know you better and better, until she couldn’t deny it anymore. Seeing you grew out of your shell, from the quiet new girl to the newest member of the family, she loved everything about you, and she was not going to give up on you. You suffered enough, you deserved to be loved.

The next morning Wanda carefully slipped out of your embrace to go to the kitchen to make some coffee. She was tired but she didn’t want to leave you alone.

When she reached the kitchen, Steve was already there, leaning against the counter.

“Wanda” he said when he saw her, and she knew he wasn’t going to say something good. “We need to talk, come with me to the conference room, please.” She followed him without saying much.

--

“You can’t do that!” She yelled at the team. When she arrived to the conference room, everybody was already there, and they filled her in with what the team decided. They were going to throw you out and back to Fury.

“It’s for the best.” Tony spoke, tired.

“How is it for the best?! How is she going to be better out?!” Wanda was starting to feel desperate.

“It’s not the best for her… It’s the best for us…” Bruce said quietly. Wanda got quiet as she saw everyone in the room. Last being Natasha. She had her hands and wrists covered in bandages, sitting quiet on the corner of the room, eyes glued to the floor.

“Do you agree with them?” Wanda asked her. Natasha said nothing. “Tasha… Seriously? After everything?”

Nat finally lift her gaze and met with Wanda’s. “I don’t… But this could’ve gone wrong…”

“That’s why we are here! We all agreed to help her! Why are you turning your backs to her?”

“We are scared…” Bruce spoke again, quietly.

“As scared as I was when I murdered my own family?” You spoke gaining everyone’s attention. Wanda felt your presence earlier, so she said nothing and just sighed clenching her fists, looking down.

Everyone was shocked to hear what you said, Nat watching you with surprise. “I’m sorry?” She asked, disbelieved.

“I think it’s time I tell you what Fury didn’t.” Wanda went to your side and intertwined your fingers, giving you her support.

--

Some time later, everyone watched you with surprise and horror on their features. Except for Wanda, she was watching you lovingly.

“I-I’m sorry, kid.” Tony spoke first. “We had no idea.”

“Yeah, I know, and I don’t blame you. I just wanted you guys to know the truth before you ask me to go.”

“You are not going anywhere” Nat said with conviction. Wanda and you eyed her surprised of her tone. “I’m sorry. We are your family, and it’s not fair what we are doing to you. We are supposed to support you, not leave you when you need us the most.” Nat started to tear up. “I’m sorry I even thought about it. I was scared… But it’s no match to what you are feeling. I want to help you feel like home, to know that you are safe and you can count on us. Please, forgive me, Y/N” She was tearing up at this point, moving to sit beside you, taking your hands with hers that were still bandaged to show you she didn’t fear you. You nodded, feeling overwhelmed again as she hugged you tight, telling you sorry.

Everyone apologized and made an effort to make you feel like home again. It wasn’t just Wanda the one that helped you train anymore, all of them helped in their own way. Bruce helping you control your emotions given his situation being similar. Tony helped to make the training room safer for you to use your powers freely. Steve and Nat trained you on 1v1 combat. Fury came back and both of you apologized, you agreeing to take the new medicine Dr. Cho made that it was significantly lighter than the others. Everything was fine again. Except one thing you had left to do.

--

You were sitting on the roof with Wanda, both of you admiring the stars, and chatting while eating a pizza you ordered before. You used to do that since the night you told Wanda the truth; she dragged you to the roof to watch the city lights and enjoy the company of the other one; Wanda was decided to show you the beauty of life and had a lot of events planned just for you and her. Eventually your eyes drifted to the witch beside you. She was gorgeous and you couldn’t control your feelings anymore. You were in love with Wanda Maximoff.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer” She teased and you laughed at her comment.

“Nah, I prefer your live beautiful face.” You said back and she blushed. She scooted over to you and cupped your cheek with her hand. Since the incident where you burnt her, you wouldn’t touch her, afraid to hurt her again, but this time, Wanda took your hand and kissed it. “I’m not afraid of you, princess.” Your breath hitched at the pet name.

“I can’t deny it anymore, Maximoff, you made everything take meaning again… You did so much for me… You make me want to live, to actually be happy, to forgive my past and move on… And I can’t deny anymore that I’m so deeply in love with you.” She smiled beautifully as her eyes sparkled.

“Y/N, I’m glad to hear that… Because I’m so deeply in love with you too.” You dreamt of those words, and now you were hearing them directly from her. “I’m going to show you a world full of love, because you deserve it, and I’m going to help you heal.”

You smiled, knowing that you were already healing from your painful past.

She then leant and captured your lips on a sweet kiss.

You knew you were far from being good and at peace completely with your powers and your past. But this was a great start.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

What’s your opinion for Leo’s reaction to finding out the mc was immortal as well- not necessarily a vampire, maybe they’re some other type of supernatural. I’m really curious because Leo seems like he’s mainly in love with the mc bec they are human.

Hi lovely!!! Always wonderful to see you, hope you’re well! 💛💛💛💛💛

Tbh I think my opinion remains the same about something like this? I'm going to link to an ask I wrote up a while ago, only because it's v pertinent to the subject matter and good background for what I’m going to expand on here.

That being said, I'm happy to kind of tl;dr/expand on what I talked about there. Basically I had the feeling that Leonardo choosing MC as a lover was more circumstantial--regarding the state of his life in the moment, regarding his general feelings about vampires and vampire society, and regarding his unresolved trauma as a young kid.

I guess my answer to that question--and forgive me if it seems like a cop out--is that it really depends, I feel? I think his attraction has a lot more to do with the kind of person somebody is, their sensibility, more than it has to do with mortal vs immortal. If it was an immortal MC that showed ridiculous fortitude and self-control, measured patience and maturity, I really don’t see him not noticing that? I think he would be wary at first (assuming it’s all a front) but with time would likely feel a great deal of love if they were interested in a life together. If they were able to see and understand what he needs and answered those needs, I guess I just really doubt his ability to say no. It’s all he’s really looking for, and the fact that he hasn’t found it after so long really speaks to his frightened evasiveness and the rare nature of that kind of unshakeable strength.

I also think a lot of his hinging away from purebloods (true immortals, in other words) is that he 100% does not want his familia having any involvement in his meaningful relationships. Which might be why he shows more acceptance towards turned vampires, or potentially different supernatural beings.

But I also don’t like giving a vague answer without some kind of explanation as to how I got, to that conclusion, so a boatload of analysis follows below the content warning.

Spoilers for Leonardo’s route and a few mentions of JPN ver content:

I think he has less of an obsession with the idea of mortality, and more like a constant association of goodness and freedom and maturity with humanity. And while it's understandable, there are signs that--when he has the proper time and space to heal--his views seem to soften from those extremes. I mean his decision to live with Comte is pretty much his first step in that direction; it was him acknowledging for the first time that vampires aren't inherently loathsome or incapable of normal living. (On a revealing note, I think it says a lot that he agrees with MC that she is living in a “wolves’ den” but also feels the need to clarify the men are basically the domesticated equivalent. They don’t pose the same threat other vampires typically do to humans because of their lifestyle and sire.) Additionally, his tsun-like behavior towards Comte also seems to solidify this concept for me: Leonardo’s trying to come to terms with something he's sworn to reject since he was young, but also can't entirely deny that Comte is as chill and mature as purebloods come lmao

[There was also an event in the JPN ver–which seems to be approaching the ENG version rapidly, though only the first part is here right now–in which Leonardo fully offers to turn her. MC is essentially on her death bed, and Leonardo doesn’t want to lose her after so little time together; it’s MC that rejects the future as a vampire out of sheer principle. Even more noteworthy is that, when a reincarnation of MC is reunited with Leonardo in modern times, he is revealed to be exceptionally shaken by that loss. There are suggestions he can’t take losing her again, which could mean succumbing to the desire to bite her.]

Two things I feel are necessary to hit home:

The first being that, at least within the storyline so far, the most mature and human-like vampires we’ve seen are Leonardo and Comte. They seek to emulate the maturity they see reflected in the human beings they’ve known all their lives. Given how vampire society and their hierarchies work, I get the feeling humans are nothing more than amusing tools to them--a way to survive and creatures to exercise control over. There’s an objectification and delusion that comes with what I’ve seen, and I think it’s important in this discussion? If the vast majority of vampires behave this way (because I’m ngl, Leonardo and Comte don’t seem very keen on remaining in touch with other vampires all that much) then it only makes sense they prefer the company of humans who can at least share this sensibility of “been there, done that--stop hurting people bc you’re bored/repressed, grow up.”

One event story where this was exceedingly evident was actually Leonardo’s proposal story. If y’all remember, an old pal/acquaintance of Leonardo’s finds out he’s gunning for a human woman and basically goes “lmao not on my watch.” His name was Adam iirc, and he felt he had every liberty to try and pressure Leonardo into turning MC. Failing that, he insisted they should break up and not be together anymore. Now, on the one hand, it’s fair to say that he was looking out for Leonardo in a way–he didn’t want him to end up miserable and alone when she was gone. But at the same time I feel that Adam’s behavior is deeply revealing of vampire society as well lmao. He doesn’t really try to understand the situation, just immediately assumes it’s the only appropriate outcome. It does insinuate a lowkey cultural disdain for humanity: they are imperfect, they do not last or cannot have real value without preservation. If Adam was really Leonardo’s friend, wouldn’t he realize that Leonardo considers vampirism nothing more than a burden that he would wish on no one, much less his future wife? Additionally, wouldn’t he also keep in mind that Leonardo considers human beings beautiful just as they are? Since he fails these basic requirements to understand Leonardo, my impression is that he is influenced by the larger vampire culture to some extent. Furthermore, it underscores just how thoroughly Leonardo has been trained to keep his cards close to his chest for fear of ridicule/violent reprisal: no vampires know his true feelings on the matter because he would be vehemently rejected outright.

[One can also offer that maybe Adam wasn’t being malicious, maybe vampires find human women they fall in love with all the time and turn them (or any other permutation of companionship that occurs), so he doesn’t understand why Leonardo wouldn’t. But even then, to try to force them to break up if she doesn’t turn? A bit overkill imo but also revealing--Leonardo’s will is being ignored for the sake of upholding a kind of ill-founded superiority complex lmao]

While Leonardo does have a somewhat overbearing need to control the pacing of his relationship and who sacrifices what, I don’t think it’s wrong to be cautious--to want to think things through. I think it’s fair to be afraid that the person you’re with can’t handle what you’ve seen/known. But that also leads me to a core issue I have with MC: she doesn’t inspire much confidence that she can handle the life he’s lived, and that’s a problem of both incapacity and incompatibility. I have to wonder how he reacts when he’s with somebody at the same maturity level, or at the very least somebody with whom he can see her strength with time. When MC’s life was dying out he was desperate enough to accept biting her because he didn’t want to lose her–human or not. It’s MC that rejects this solution, which leads me to further believe that he just doesn’t care about the divide when it comes down to it; it has more to do with his difficulty with being vulnerable and fully trusting someone to care about him. (Assuming they also have the fortitude to stay hopeful and relatively strong over the course of a very long life.)

In line with that, the second thing I think it’s important to acknowledge is how deeply hurt Leonardo is as a result of his family treating him like a fool/black sheep. He outright says and heavily insinuates that his family would write her off as worthless, that they’d never accept her--that's his first thought:

Leonardo: “My familia would call you frail. I think you’re strong and beautiful. You do more with your time than we try to do with ours.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MC: “And those letters were from your familia?”

Leonardo: “Yeah. I don’t talk to them or see them anymore. We don’t agree...on a lot of things.”

[Brief intermission here. But lmao. Who does that sound like? If any of you guessed Isaac, that’s exactly what I’m alluding to. Isaac says in his own route smth along the lines of “Why bother trying to get through to people when no amount of talking does any good or gets you any closer to being understood?” Which also explains the way they get along to uncanny degrees: they find comfort in making things/researching because it means being able to avoid the distress that comes with being blatantly misunderstood by others. Their pain simply comes in different dimensions; for Leo it’s about loss and hiding who he is out of fear of rejection, for Isaac it’s about betrayal and people turning on him--ultimately abandonment for both. But I digress, back to the main argument.]

Leonardo: “Once they discovered my location, they began hounding me with letters again. They don’t want me to be with just anyone...They want more purebloods. I’m no more than one half of an equation for them.”

There is a clear implication that his desire to choose somebody that truly makes him happy means jack shit to them. They keep talking over him and trying to wear him down to force him into what they want. It’s no wonder--imo--that he has such a hard time just saying what he wants in his life, to feel like he has the freedom to wish and pursue anything freely. It’s no wonder he just expects MC to spit on everything that’s important to him. It appears as though only other human beings in general and Comte have ever come close to understanding him.

At some point MC realizes that his insistence on being compagni provvisori was originally just another act of sacrifice, and that he was fine with giving up his time and a little privacy if it meant she would be safe. The thing she doesn’t seem to realize in the course of this--and he struggles to say it until later on--is that it stopped being blind generosity. He really did start to fall in love with her, and that’s the whole reason things became even more messy; because he didn’t anticipate not being able to let go on top of the vulnerability. And it’s a big part of why he’s hesitating to speak. He feels he has no right to those feelings, and that he’s imposing on her--not that he’ll be welcome.

And when she did finally admit those feelings were welcome, it was compounded by the parroted views of his family and larger vampire society as a whole. Saying that she herself wasn’t enough, that she had to become a vampire to make him happy. Imo that sounds very potentially retraumatizing given his experiences (people trying to force him into marriages with other vampires who didn’t remotely understand or care about him because it was “the right way of things”). It’s no wonder he freaks out and does something incredibly stupid and insensitive–which is pretty insanely ooc for him.

Leonardo: “...It shocked them. Quieted them down a bit. Hard to get peace when your familia is immortal. Grazie, cara mia.”

Leonardo: “You’re strong, and you’re kind. So probably you won’t cry while I’m here to see it. But when I’m not looking, you’ll cry. If I had done that to you (bitten her, in other words), you’d still be crying when I wasn’t watching... Maybe it’s selfish of me, after what I did, but I just wanted to make you happy. You always look pretty, cara mia, but your smile takes my breath away...It’s not your destiny to love someone who will only make you cry.”

This man literally cannot handle anyone deeply sad or in despair. He’s always going to try to cheer people up and care about them, but general tragedy/emotional discord affects him very powerfully--and it’s likely a reflection of what I’ve mentioned before. He can’t bear to see people feeling helpless or miserable because he’s just been there too many times to be able to cope. He wants to help and heal (even if he’s suffering from prolonged compassion fatigue), but he knows that his powers are limited--even if he is a pureblood.

And the thing is? While it’s misguided to believe she would cry alone when it comes to the context of healthy romantic love (bc the idea would be that you lean on each other when something upsetting happens) he has zero reference point. He was not born as a result of authentic love (his parents never married, he was the result of a procreative arrangement), his family talks over every wish and belief he has and they still claim it’s done out of love/honest concern for him. One can only imagine the serpentine and obnoxious lengths to which his family has deceived or tried to force him into reconnecting with them. Every person that ever did know him/care about him in a real way is gone. Love, for him, has only been a series of losses that left his heart hollowed out; I don’t really blame him for expecting further disappointment and isolation and exhaustion. 

He’s also not wrong in the sense that he partially saw MC do what he outlined, and it’s a big part about what he loves about her. When she was feeling alone and lost–powerless–all she did was shrug and move forward. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, but focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t do is healthier. And they both have the tendency to hide when they’re in pain or feeling lost, all because they don’t want to trouble anyone. Remember that when he says this, it’s a reflection of himself too: because even if he was heartbroken beyond measure, all he would do is hide it every second; he would never expect anyone to see right through him or care.

I mean I tend think of that one post I saw that talked about how people often see themselves as a social burden when most of their life has just been a series of neglect and loss. They don’t really have a concept of “you’re not heavy because I want to stay with you. It’s my choice to care about you.” How do you feel worthwhile an existence when four hundred years later your family still won’t treat you with basic dignity. The men in the mansion also all look to him for guidance and soothing because of the kind of person he is–he’s either silent in the periphery or helping. He never betrays so much as an inkling of insecurity or distress. 

I mean the whole reason Leonardo comes to the mansion is because he has absolutely no issue helping Comte in a pivotal time of need without seeking much of anything in return. Remember that Comte explains how Leonardo came to the mansion in response to Comte’s distress about the future. This makes sense considering Comte was rapidly trying to stop Vlad by beating him to the punch, and had only enough time to plan the basics. He had no certainty things would work out, much less that his boys would thrive. But Comte, unlike the boys, has become acutely aware of how much Leonardo is hiding his fatigue and despair in the course of being helped. As such, he wants to return the favor--and tries to be a good friend to him as much as he can (handles his insane familia, keeps things light and silly time between them, takes him seriously as a person, doesn’t pry beyond what’s fair.)

[I also think of that psychology concept of “the good enough mother.” It’s not always about being perfect every second of your life. It’s about paying attention and acting where it really counts. I feel like people who grow up under an enormous burden of neglect or parental/mentor abuse have a hard time coming to terms with the idea. This notion that just trying is enough for a lot of people, that showing them they’re not alone is enough to make  difficult memories bearable. Because it’s the oppressive silence and apathy that tends to kills people, imo--not people who mean well. But Leonardo doesn’t really understand any kind of reciprocal or non-self-emptying model because the concept is beyond him. He has no experience with it beyond Comte and a select few humans he’s befriended.]

Let’s continue on this point of MC crying where he can’t see her, shall we? The reason this scares him so much is not because he doesn’t care, or doesn’t want to make the effort. It’s precisely that he cares to the point of madness. It’s that he is legitimately convinced nothing he has to say, nothing that he can do, no part of him is enough to ease what she will have to trade away to stay with him. The core issue is not one of disregard or objectification, I find it to be more about his belief that he just isn’t enough. He doesn’t trust that anyone can love him to the point where just the sight of him or time with him can heal. And while there is a foolishness to this belief, it’s understandable when you consider where he’s coming from. You can call it selfishness, but it just feels involuntary--he has a lot of fear when it comes to love.

I mean Comte even says it himself? His words here always strike me: “I want you to understand, it’s because he cherishes you just as you are--more than he cares about his future or his well-being.”

Comte is openly identifying the way that Leonardo has a tendency to give more than is healthy. That Leonardo isn’t hesitating because his feelings are lacking, he’s doing it because he knows it’s going to hurt like a bitch trying to love her and never ask beyond what feels reasonable. (Spoilers: no request is reasonable. That’s the problem here. He’s convinced he deserves nothing.) Therefore turning her into a vampire to stay with him is--consequently, to Leonardo--out of the question. This is the literal hingepoint at which Comte and Leonardo divide; Comte simply tells MC he’ll take full responsibility for asking so much of her. He intends to make her happy with every single resource and skill he has at his disposal. Even if he doubts his ability or fears losing her to vampire rhetoric madness, he’d rather try than live with the regret and immediate loss. Leonardo is more resistant because of his dour outlook, that her fear of immortality is never going to be something that either of them can overcome. And/or he’s likely afraid she’s only going to regret being together after so long, and might succumb to the ridiculous sort of power/greed complexes vampires seem so attracted to by nature.

I think Leonardo is still coming to terms with the idea that he isn't alone in the world in a lot of ways, and I think he's also coming to terms with the idea that immortality does not equate to evil. Sure, human beings on average are probably more open to flexible modes of thinking and living compared to vampires--their maturity is in some ways guaranteed due to the instances they're forced to adapt to survive. However, just one look at the ruling class and oligarchies of all kinds (even just stubborn human beings) reveals how they are not immune to the same sort of megalomania, arrogance, and thoughtless violence purebloods/vampires are capable of.

So I guess I hesitate when it comes to the thought that he only loves her because she's human. If anything, I think he loves her for the fact that she's very rooted in reality--not quite so bound by the extremes that trouble him. It's one of the many reasons I believe Leonardo needs a lot of maturity and patience; the ability to differentiate between his panicked/overwhelmed/hurt reactions versus his calm is a skill in and of itself considering his capacity for concealment. To say nothing of getting him to slow down when this happens, too.

I suppose I think about it in a way that’s similar to how Napoleon’s main story narrative is framed. While Leonardo’s route doesn’t focus on the grandeur of being a former emperor, there is a clear insinuation here that he also craves normalcy? Just a little life, with a person he loves dearly, where he can rest and be himself for once. I think because he gives off such an appearance of steadiness, people fail to see that he is barely holding on--not to mention the kind of experiences he’s been deprived of (the exact security and understanding he so expertly emulates).

Closer to your question, it’s worth mentioning that Leonardo’s life goal for a while was the creation of an immortal human being--in that he fully recognized human beings could not offer what he needed as they were.

He loves humans because of their adaptability, their frequent desire to keep seeking out hope and making the best of the broken pieces they have. But then again, it has more to do with the nature of how frequently that sensibility occurs in humans vs vampires (and immortality in general): mortality does demand some level of necessity to change and grow. Which is one of the largest trauma points for him; the vampires around him just refused to grow up, always demanding at him like children and obsessed with their power complexes.

Thing is I also don't know enough about vampire society to know how correct this perceived ratio is. However, given Comte's similar avoidance of other vampires and general inability to live with them (he and Vlad were literal childhood best friends and Comte can't stand him anymore lmao) I think Leonardo may have more validity here than people give him credit for. Which begs the question--why did he quit trying to make a human immortal? What was it that stopped him? Was it the horror of what needed to be done to achieve it? Or would a potential companion start to fall more in love with the idea of immortality than they do with life itself/him? I think it’s a worthwhile question to ask, given the disdain he seems to aim at Shakespeare in particular--once human, but now emulates all of the violence and insatiability marked by vampirism.

This is where the transition from human to vampire/immortal contains another hingepoint: is Leonardo so incapable of finding a middle ground because he feels like any choice he makes will be a wrong one? Marry a human, deprive them of a normal love where they can grow old together. Marry a human and turn them, what if they are reborn with immortal wounds/psychological harm? What if time proves they get bored of him or hateful, what if they begin to act like the predatory purebloods he hates so much? Marry a pureblood/immortal, and be hounded by his family for heirs--risk being with somebody who will never love him or their children, and only inspire more misery in the world.

Does it make sense how this can really start to become an anxious downspiral for someone like him? How the personal insecurity and life history comes together to just compound stress endlessly?

That's the thing that's important here, I think. Leonardo just needs somebody who is open-minded, firm, and not easily deceived. If one takes a look at Leonardo's main story route, the whole reason everything goes to shit so disastrously is because MC stops listening at a critical point. Granted Leonardo could have been more forthcoming for sure, but when she started assuming Shakespeare was right instead of seeing how Leonardo was feeling/reacting, she responded in ways Leonardo wasn't prepared for. He never wanted to shake her faith or insinuate whatever she is is not good enough for him, and tbh I think Leonardo downspiraled because it was just the same thing all over again. What he is--a vampire and immortal--keeps ruining everything he wants with his life. 

[the-sound-of-her-wings]

I Am Not Starfire, And That's Okay

I recently read I Am Not Starfire and I had lots of thoughts, which are under the cut. It is spoiler-heavy and an analysis of the main character, who I find to be a charming, flawed, and incredibly human character.

Mandy is a fascinating character and a great look at a teenage girl who feels ostracized by the people around her and who feels disconnected from her parent. Mandy is by no means flawless, and that's what makes her very interesting. It also makes her relatable.

Mandy starts by talking about how she's noticeably different from her mom, being the "Anti-Starfire". She's a regular kid, can't fly, and doesn't own a swimsuit, while her mom is a superhero, can fly, and always wears bikinis.

On page 11 she mentions "her mom hasn't liked how I looked since I was twelve. She wears less than a yard of fabric every day, yet somehow, I'm the one who's dressing weird". While I understand people who call this slut-shaming, and I'm inclined to agree, but I think it's a little more nuanced than that. The next page reads, "My friend Lincoln convinced me this is the cultural divide that happens between family generations born in different countries or universes. His parents were born in Vietnam." This tells me that the authors intended to point out the difference in dress more as another difference between Starfire and Mandy, and less as a reason to blatantly slut-shame Starfire. I think there's absolutely a conversation to be had about why the authors decided to use this language instead of conveying the point differently. I also think it speaks to how Starfire has more or less been sexualized from inception, and how people look down upon her character because of that. In the context of this book, though, it's one of Mandy's character flaws that I think fits her both as a character and reflects what I've seen from actual teenage girls. Our society coaches us to view women who dress a certain way as less than women who don't and unlearning that takes time and effort. I don't think this comment about her mom should have been put in there by the authors, but I do think it fits in with the values American society in particular teaches about women.

Page 15, 16, and 17 all point to a far more complicated state of existence than Mandy points out within the first few pages. For one thing, Mandy has to deal with people who love her mother and only want to use her to get information about her mom and the other teen titans. This is shown by the "Titan groupies" who ask her to tell Starfire what they say about her. Another thing she has to deal with is the expectation to be a superhero and have powers like her mom, and the questions about who her dad might be. She gains her first real friend, Lincoln, because he tells the people asking about her parentage that they are assholes.

It is revealed that Mandy has a crush on Claire after she gets assigned a group project with her. Mandy is in denial over the crush. She thinks about the fact she's meeting Mandy at the end of the day throughout the rest of the school day, causing her to explode something in Chemistry Class. I find this to be highly relatable and gives her character a softer side to the edginess she desperately tries to portray herself as.

While talking about the project with Claire, it is revealed that Mandy ran out of her SATs and didn't complete them. While Mandy tries to paint this as a cool badass moment, the way the comic artist portrays the scene makes me think Mandy had an anxiety attack. Mandy didn't run out of her SAT because she's some kind of alternative badass who doesn't need to take them. Mandy ran out because she got overwhelmed by the sounds of people chewing and the pressure of the test. While she frames it differently, it's clear to me that Mandy is avoiding taking the SAT again because she doesn't want that to happen again.

When Claire invites her to hang out with her friends, Mandy gets treated like she isn't there, or as some kind of unwanted outsider. The topics they discuss seem to be specifically made to make Mandy uncomfortable, like mentioning how stretchy jeans are only made for fat people, and asking if aliens don't go to college. Jaded by this, Mandy makes up that aliens actually have to go through this huge blood right and battle to the death, but tells Claire's two friends she was joking before leaving. This tells me that Mandy deflects her pain by using humor to cope and has no issue clowning on people who are trying to belittle her for being an alien.

Starfire tries to bring up going to college after this, and Mandy just flees to her room. She hasn't told her mom she didn't take the SAT yet or that she isn't going to college. She feels distant from her mom, which is explained further through a montage of birthdays where she never got her powers. Her mom expects a lot from her, and Mandy thinks Starfire is disappointed about her lack of powers.

Later, Mandy invites Claire over to her house to complete the project they are working on. The Titans are still there when Claire arrives, but she seems to ignore them, as they leave shortly after. Mandy and Claire bond as they continue the project. Mandy reveals to the reader that she's never had a girlfriend, except for one time at sleep-away camp where she kind of dated a girl for four weeks. She didn't tell her who her mom was because she was tired of living in the shadow of a superhero. But the relationship ended because Mandy had lied about who her mom was, and the girl she was dating didn't understand why she would lie. I think this really shows just how much Mandy actually wants to be a normal girl like everyone else, to the extent that she'd lie about who her mom was. Her edgy demeanor at school and around town where her mom is known to be her mom is a defense mechanism to having lived under the shadow of a superhero her entire life.

When it's revealed that Claire took a photo with the Titans at Mandy's house, Mandy is understandable heartbroken, and furious. She thought she had been making a real connection with Claire, but this photo makes her think she's been used, again. Claire seems genuinely baffled by Mandy's reaction to this, thinking little of it. But to Mandy, it is a breach of trust from someone she thought cared about her. I think her angry reaction to Claire makes sense because of this, even if it might have been disproportionate to the offense.

On top of this, Starfire has discovered that Mandy walked out of the SAT and doesn't plan to go to college. After a heated conversation, she runs away, but her mom finds her. And then Blackfire finds her. Turns out the fake story she told Claire's friends earlier in the story was actually true, even though Mandy didn't know it.

Since Claire actually cares about Mandy, she tracks down Lincoln who explains to her why Mandy reacted badly, and that she should probably apologize for taking the photo. Claire also admits that one of the friends from earlier, Deb, actually dared her to take the photo. Claire is a good person at heart, but this action shows that she can still be influenced to do something that would hurt another person. And while she might not have known it would hurt Mandy, Deb probably did.

Starfire and Blackfire fight since Mandy has no powers, but Starfire gets injured causing Mandy to realize just how much she loves and cares about her mom, even though they don't see eye to eye on most things. This finally unlocks her powers, as she's let go of most of the resentment she's held against her mom. She even gets asked for an autograph by someone in the audience after the battle.

The story ends with Mandy training her powers, studying for the SAT, and reconciling with Claire, sharing a kiss, and becoming girlfriends.

I've seen a lot of discourse that frames Mandy as being "not like other girls". I don't believe this framing actually fits Mandy very well. The only girl Mandy ever says she is not like explicitly is her mom. She is the only woman she compares herself too, and the only person who she seems to have a lot of resentment for, aside from people who use her to get to Starfire. Additionally, Mandy falls for someone who is what a stereotypical, normal popular girl is often portrayed as. She's preppy, wears makeup, gets good grades, has friends, and runs a fairly popular Instagram account. If Mandy was extremely into the "Not like other girls" rhetoric, she would've made fun of Claire for all those things. Instead, she admires her for them. Mandy is fat, has acne/freckles, dresses goth, and wears a nose ring. If this is the reason people are identifying her as a "Not like other girls" girl, then they don't understand that trope. Simply dressing differently from your peers, being fat, and hating your mom does not make her the "not like other girls" trope. It actually makes her like other, real-life girls who dress and act similarly, because that's who they are, not because they somehow think they are better than other women.

I'd also make the argument that, fundamentally, Mandy IS different from other girls on the account of having a superhero mother and potentially a superhero father. Her life is completely altered by Starfire's existence as her mom and is likely only relatable to the children of other superheroes and celebrities. She is not like other girls because of her mom, and that still doesn't make her someone who falls in line with the conception of being "not like other girls".

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and hope others do too. I read Mandy as a flawed character who was trying to figure out how to exist outside the Shadow of her mom- and eventually succeeds, by learning to embrace her mom. I would've preferred if Mandy had a slightly darker skin tone, as her features seem black-coded to me and Starfire is also often black-coded. Otherwise, I do think this was one of the best DC Graphic Novels for Young Adults I've read, alongside Teen Titans: Beast Boy and Teen Titans: Raven.

[yrbutchgf]

It's always so interesting to see people say they feel they can't be butch because they're X but X thing has been a defining aspect of butchness either in my own growing up or in butch culture in general. It feels like a recent internet invention that butches aren't massive softies or you have to be skinny to be butch? I'm sure it's area/community dependant but it makes zero sense to me and I think I will blame Shane from the L word for this.

All the older butches I've known and admired have been fat and deeply emotional people, to the point that's a defining trait of butchness to me as well as a common these in butch literature and historical photographs. A defining, if somewhat dubiously healthy, aspect of femme culture and history has been femmes as emotional rocks and protectors for butches who were regularly having the life beaten out of them physically and emotionally. Femmes are protectors just as much as butches in their own way, we share the burden. Just a sec I'm gonna send you a poem if I can fuckin find it

When butches cry No mountains quake No island form Only to slip into the sea Nor do trees fall Nor lightning strike Nor any other god-done thing When butches cry They weep, they wail They gnash their teeth and moan Strong women's pain It's just the same Except it's mostly done Alone — Bonni Barringer, from The Persistent Desire

oh my god this poem. head in my hands. oh my god fuck. i need to read more of the persistent desire. anyway here's the rest of your ask:

Every time I hear someone say they feel less butch because their feelings are strong and easily accessed it hurts my heart and I can't help but think of Ivan Coyote performing the Femme piece and choking up at "I want you to know that it's not always easy to love me". We go through a lot, I think we're allowed to have a bit of a cry sometimes: even when it hardens us we remain soft, just a bit more like a sea urchin or perhaps a pinchful crab. Signed, a tough looking butch who cried and cried today after listening to Will I? From rent for the thousandth time after getting bad health news. Fuck it. If Butch Tears is good enough for LA/ATX Pocket Expo: The New Rules of Flagging 1. It's good enough for us and 2. They should sell it so we can be aesthetic as we sob please.

you're so right, i absolutely agree -- all the butches i looked up to (who were, unfortunately, historical butches, as i didn't know any older butches in real life in my childhood, there weren't any in my area) were fat butches. that body standard definitely seems to me like a new pressure, an invention of the tumblr (and now tiktok) skinny-white-androgynous-gnc-nonbinary industrial complex/standard.

emotions on the other hand, i think have always been a sort of sore subject for butches, at least from what i've read. barringer says it here too -- "it's mostly done/Alone." i think a lot of butches, modern and otherwise, feel the need to bottle up, compartmentalize, pack away their emotions in an attempt to fill that protector role, so nobody but them has to deal with all of it. it's not healthy, and i think a lot of butches spend a lot of time unlearning that urge, because not for nothing i think a lot of everybody spend a lot of time unlearning the urge to hide their emotions, to make them more palatable to other people.

it takes a very brave person to do what coyote did and hop on a stage and be vulnerable; it takes courage to let other people see that you're soft inside, and hurting, in daily life or otherwise. i think it takes a lot of work to be comfortable with and confident about that. but like i said in that other post, i think learning how to do that in healthy ways, how to share and let people in, can also function in the protector role in a similar sense to what you're talking about with femmes: making it safe for the people around you to open up as well, by extension of yourself being open about your feelings. that's very deeply butch to me.

i think your point about "hardening" is really good, too. you're right, even when butches harden up they're still soft in the center... hardening's just a way to keep the outside from poking in, not a way to cleanse yourself of your emotionalism. the visual of a sea urchin feels very apt.

i'm sorry about whatever news you received -- health is always such a stressful thing. i'm glad you found a way to get it out of you. you're right, sometimes (most of the time in my experience lol) you really do just need a good cry. that's healing

[youngerdrgrey]

relax (this is private, too) // a Mary/Ryan oneshot

about: In a post-2x13 world, Mary welcomes Sophie to the Bat Team, and Sophie derails the conversation with an observation.

“It’s a tale as old as time. ‘Straight’ girl meets somebody that she just has to know, wants to spend all her time with her, starts wearing her clothes….” Sophie and Mary both look down at the color-block jacket that Mary’s wearing — Ryan’s color-block jacket. But Mary couldn’t possibly have a crush on Ryan… could she? + read on ao3

notes: Surprise! Truly, none probably more surprised than me. One moment I'm saying that I probably won't write for a bit, and the next I'm writing this because we really didn't talk enough about Mary saying, "Okay, that's kind of sexy" over the hot shot moment. (As a note, yes, platonic, intimate friendships between women are important. At this moment, though, let's run the tape back with Mary who is very confused.)

🦇

“Sit, sit, sit.” Mary leads Sophie through the loft to the living room. “You must have questions.”

Sophie does sit — on the chair this time, which leaves the couch open for Mary. It’s a slightly different seating arrangement than they had yesterday. There’s definitely a lot less attitude and tension here, but then again, it is only Mary and Sophie right now. Unless Ryan’s patrol goes poorly, but it probably won’t. Besides, Mary had texted Ryan about wanting some one-on-one time to suss Sophie out. Sophie’s a great person, but she might need to come around to Ryan wearing the suit.

Mary uncorks the wine bottle on the coffee table and gives a generous pour into the two stemless glasses. It’s a rosè, which is the perfect drink for a casual conversation. It’s light, airy, and has absolutely no chance of worms or poison in the bottom.

Sophie eyes her glass a moment before picking it up anyway. “Honestly?” She chuckles. “I have less questions now.”

“Really?” Mary settles back into the couch. “Because I won’t judge you if you do. It’s a lot to take in.” Mary’d wanted to rip the suit right off of Ryan the first time that she saw Ryan in it. Granted, at the time, they’d still been trying to find Kate, and a stranger was wearing Mary’s sister’s secret vigilante costume.

Sophie swirls her glass. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m still processing the Ryan Wilder of it all, but… well, it all makes sense now.” She leans forward, her elbows finding the tops of her knees as she pitches towards Mary. “Before last week, I couldn’t understand why Ryan was suddenly everywhere. Sure, she worked at the bar, but then you were roommates out of nowhere. You went from zero to….” Sophie snorts into her wine glass.

Mary laughs too, but she doesn’t quite get why. It’s like they’re playing Never Have I Ever all over again. “Zero to what? I want in on the joke.”

Sophie shakes her head though. Her eyebrows pull together like she’s still puzzling something. Then she gives in, and her voice still has a hint of that humor as she finishes, “Zero to U-haul.” Mary chokes on the air in her lungs. Sophie raises her glass in a silent toast. “So, the Batwoman thing — makes a lot more sense than you suddenly having a girlfriend.”

Mary’s cheeks flush. Leave it to the lesbian to assume Mary’s hiding her sexuality. “A secret girlfriend is much more your speed.” Wait, is that rude? “Uh, no offense.”

Sophie takes a swig of wine. “None taken. You’re right. So, tell me more about working with Ryan.”

Mary smiles. This, she can do. She could talk about Ryan for hours. “She’s amazing. I mean, you know, you’ve seen her. She totally fills out the suit. Like it suits her and not the other way around. You’d think that it wouldn’t, but she really makes it her own.”

“Right, with the wig.”

“With everything!” Mary drinks some more. “She really gets this city, you know? Everything we’re doing with the Center is all Ryan’s idea. She came up with the plan, and she has these rules that we follow as the Bat Team! No killing, no working with Crows — again, no offense. Er, well,” Mary tilts her head to the side, “some offense. You guys have an awful track record at this point.”

Sophie takes another drink. “So you tell me.”

“But we also do team building exercises. It’s mostly us playing Taboo, and Luke getting really tired of us. Ryan’s so great. It’s like we don’t even have to say anything to know what the other is thinking. And even though she’s the boss, and she’s the leader, it’s like we’re really working side by side to make Gotham the place we always wanted it to be. The Center’s only the start. She has ideas about upgraded transitional shelters for people experiencing homelessness, and expanding the clinic if we get enough resources. She listened to my whole pitch about what we would need to do it, and asked questions, and— what?”

Sophie’s staring at Mary. Staring hard, but soft at the same time.

Mary swipes a hand across her cheek. “Is something on my face?”

Sophie shakes her head. “No, it’s nothing.” She drinks again, but her brows stay furrowed.

“Sophie, come on. Whatever it is, you can tell me.” Maybe hearing about all the good that Ryan wants is too much for Sophie right now. Mary can wait. It’s not like she’ll run out of good stuff to say.

“It’s the way you talk about her,” Sophie says finally. That softness is there again. A gentle touch in her voice. “Between that and your ‘kinda sexy’ comment yesterday… I don’t know, Mary, it just sounds like you have a crush.”

“A crush?” Mary repeats. “On Ryan?” She scoffs. “Hate to break it to you, Sophie, but I am straight. Like so straight. Like—”

Sophie puts her hands up in a silent casual defense. She drops them a moment later. “You don’t have to convince me. I believe you.”

“Thank you!” Mary flops back into the couch. Her head bounces just a bit on the top of it. Her curls smush, and she sinks down so that the thought can hopefully follow it out of her head.

She knows what sexy is. She can identify that something could be attractive without actually being attracted to said thing. There are all the different types of attraction. She ran a course on gender and sexuality for the doctors and volunteers at her clinic to make sure that everyone was on the same page in how to properly treat people that the medical field did not always regard with respect. She would know if she had a crush on Ryan.

Wouldn’t she?

Sophie sets her wine onto the coffee table. “It’s a tale as old as time. ‘Straight’ girl meets somebody that she just has to know, wants to spend all her time with her, starts wearing her clothes….” Sophie and Mary both look down at the color-block jacket that Mary’s wearing — Ryan’s color-block jacket.

“Okay, but we live together,” Mary reasons. Roommates borrow each other’s clothes. It’s not like she’s taking her crush’s jacket so that she has an excuse to see Ryan again. She can see Ryan whenever she wants. She does see Ryan whenever she wants. She can’t even count the number of times she’s come back from an awful shift, walked into Ryan’s room, and flopped down onto the bed beside her.

Her bed’s not softer than Mary’s. Mary obviously cared a lot more about her rest than Kate did, so Mary’s mattress is a dream. But Ryan’s room smells like a dialed down greenhouse. It smells alive and hopeful and earthy in a way that instantly calms Mary down. And when Mary’s having a really rough day, Ryan will put a pillow in her lap and run her hands through Mary’s hair until she stops seeing whatever gruesome wounds that she’s spent the last few hours dealing with. That’s not a crush. That’s… comfort. Intimacy. A deep, deep starvation for physical touch after a lifetime of parental neglect.

Friends can be affectionate. Friends can want to be close to each other.

She wants to be close to Luke. And to Sophie! She would love to curl up next to Sophie right now. Though, the more that Mary thinks about curling up with Sophie, the more she recognizes that it wouldn’t be the same as cozying up to Ryan. Ryan’s basically her same size. She’s got this warmth that radiates from her cheeks and her chest, and she hums songs and asks Mary to guess which song it is. Mary’s awful at this game, by the way. She usually ends up giving up, or drifting off to sleep while Ryan’s clearly picking songs that Mary — as someone who did not grow up in a Black household — did not grow up with.

(The one time Mary used that as a defense, Ryan had pointed out that Ryan didn’t grow up in a Black household either. Ryan grew up in a mismatch of cultures and identities in group homes before Mama Cora found her in high school. They’d made up for lost time with plenty of Miss Anita Baker and all the classics that Ryan had missed out on. The rest of Ryan’s cultural education came from other Black students and friends who’d either clowned her for not knowing a reference, or rushed to show her what their parents told them. It hadn’t been as simple as a natural osmosis for Ryan to feel at home with some of the cultural references around her.)

(Mary had whispered that it wasn’t easy for her either. Not with her mom working all the time and the rest of her Korean-American family out of reach. “There weren’t many Korean people in Gotham.” An understatement, but Ryan had leaned down and pressed a kiss to the crown of Mary’s head to comfort her. Sadness Mary hadn’t even known was still there had welled up. Liquified into tears that slipped onto Ryan’s pillow.)

(“It was—” Her breath had caught in her throat. The tears smeared her vision, which was fine, since all she could see from this angle were Ryan’s plants by the window anyway. “It was so lonely sometimes. And my dad…. With Kate… And Alice….” She couldn’t finish a single sentence. All the tears turned to sobs, and the sobs turned into this soul-clenching pressure in her chest.)

(Ryan had curled around Mary then. An arm found its way under Mary’s knees and softly tugged her into a tighter ball in Ryan’s lap. Ryan rocked them, whispered again and again, “It’s okay. Let it out. I got you. I’m here, Mary. I’m here.”)

Mary gulps now. “Ryan is….” She’s Mary’s roommate. Mary’s best friend. She’s the one who got Mary through losing Kate and who welcomed Mary onto the Bat Team. She’s the first person Mary calls whenever anything happens and literally the only person Mary could entrust The Hold Up to. She’s Batwoman, and…. And Mary has no idea what she would do without Ryan at this point. But it’s not like Mary wants to kiss Ryan. Just look at Ryan.

Look at Ryan in those ridiculous flannel shirts. She has twelve. Not including jackets. And she’s a woman, which is not Mary’s type. Mary hasn’t been super successful with her previous type, but they definitely have certain characteristics that Ryan does not. They don’t walk around in fluffy robes that they bought to spite their ex-girlfriends, or wake up super early after a late shift to use the workout bike that Mary still has never actually tried riding. They don’t make Mary sweet potato pancakes and encourage her to try out cooking on her off nights for stress relief. They don’t make her feel like home. They don’t…. Shit.

The lowest groan that Mary has ever done in her life grumbles out of her.

Sophie pops her lips. “There it is.”

Mary squeezes her eyes shut. “You’re not right. I don’t — I can’t — it’s Ryan.” She can’t fall for her best friend! She doesn’t have a backup bestie. “Besides!” Mary pops up to tell Sophie, “I have never once wanted to kiss her.”

Sophie raises an eyebrow in the smoothest, most silent way to ask, Are you sure?

(Mary got them breakfast the next morning. She couldn’t do the sweet potato pancakes, but she knew the right cafe to get Ryan’s favorite vegan chorizo burrito. She got back just as Ryan was finishing up a shower and called out, “Breakfast!”)

(Steam followed Ryan out of her bedroom. The tips of her hair dripped softly onto her shirt, just above her chest, and Mary couldn’t stop glancing down at it. Normally, she would’ve been able to, but that morning…. Ryan snatched up her burrito and flopped down onto the couch. On the first bite, Ryan let out a soft moan that somehow carried straight over to Mary. Maybe Mary made the wrong food choice? If the burrito was that good, and Mary could feel it, then she needed some of what Ryan was having.)

(“You’re brilliant,” Ryan said. Then she locked eyes with Mary and gestured with her burrito. “Anyone who would ever leave you behind is a dumbass. Full offense to the entire Hamilton-Kane family.” Ryan dug in for another bite, and Mary’s heart swelled in her chest. She couldn’t even smile with how full she felt. How warm and safe and loved. God, she loved Ryan. She really, really could spend the rest of her life like this.)

(Ryan’s face scrunched up. “Stop looking at me like that. I don’t care how hungry you look. I’m not sharing.”)

(Mary faked an outraged gasp. She wasn’t even hungry. Not anymore, not really. Still, she threw herself onto the couch beside Ryan. “I paid for it! Give me a bite!” Ryan squirmed away, and Mary had to cling to the curve of Ryan’s back to try and reach for the good. “Come on! Ryan!”)

(If Ryan was a guy, this is when Mary would’ve kissed him. Would’ve peppered his head and his cheeks and his nose with kisses until he turned just enough for her to kiss his full lips and suck his tongue into her mouth. To lose every bit of resistance in the soft brush of her hands, and the gentle curls of Ryan’s hair beneath her fingers. Ryan’s teeth nipping at her bottom lip, then her neck, then—)

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!” Mary sinks even deeper into the couch. Then shoots up at the reminder of the memory of wanting to kiss Ryan on this exact freaking couch. She turns her wide eyes to Sophie. “What am I going to do?”

Sophie clicks her tongue. “Nope, I want nothing to do with that. Whatever happens there is between you and Ryan.”

“But what if….” Mary loses her words in a squeak. What if she doesn’t know what she wants to happen? What if she doesn’t want anything to happen? What if she’ll be totally fine, going about her business, continuing her life where she gets to occasionally cuddle up with her best friend in their apartment? Maybe she doesn’t need anything more than that. She’s made it this far, and she didn’t even know she had any sort of feelings, or attraction. She can keep on going now. She can be normal.

Not normal meaning straight, just normal meaning Mary’s normal state. Which was straight. Is straight?

Mary groans. “I hate my life.”

Sophie reaches for the wine bottle and fills Mary’s glass up to the brim. “Look on the bright side — at least you know who she is. No secret identities, or clandestine rendezvous. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.”

“I am apparently into a lot of things I didn’t know,” Mary mumbles.

Sophie sighs. “It’s not that different, and for you, maybe it’s not different at all. Maybe….” Sophie glances around the loft. Mary follows her eyes as they bounce from the wine to the hallway to the silly bat wall decals that Ryan got from Party City and put near the TV. Sophie nods her head, as she finds her words. “Ryan loves Halloween.”

“What?”

“Stick with me.” Sophie points to the bats, then the tiny plastic pumpkins from the checkout section of Target. “Ryan loves Halloween. She decorates the whole house around it because she loves it so much. But me, I grew up in a strict Christian household where Halloween was not what we did. We did Christmas. And you….”

Mary follows again. “We did a mix. Christmas and Hanukkah.”

Sophie winces. “Okay, a mix of holidays. You’re not strictly a one holiday kind of girl. And that’s fine.”

Mary glances back to the Halloween decorations. “So, in this metaphor—”

“It might be time to celebrate Halloween. Maybe you’ll love it. Maybe you’ll hate it. But it’s October now, so, get a costume, grab a pumpkin, and tell her how you feel.”

Okay. Mary can do that. Mary can totally do that. If she can handle Alice imploding her entire life in front of the whole world, then she can tell her roommate that she has a crush on her.

Maybe.

Someday.

When she’s ready.

“Can we, uh, work our way up to Halloween? I feel like I’m still hearing fireworks.”

Sophie grins at her. “Of course. We’ll go at your speed. And if you have any questions?”

Mary picks back up her wine glass and knocks back nearly half of it. “I’ll ask you. Or Parker. She’s incredibly knowledgeable for a teenager.” She probably wouldn’t use such convoluted metaphors either. It’s a win-win really. Great, last time Mary saw Parker, they were watching the lesbian drama; now Mary will be a part of it. Ugh. "I'm never living this down, am I?"

"Oh, absolutely not. Hey, Mary?" Sophie waits until Mary's turned her steadily narrowing gaze to her. "Never have I ever had a crush on Batwoman."

Mary flips Sophie off.

🦇