#and that is the story i feel like telling

[phoenixrisingastro]

🔥 ASTRO OBSERVATIONS V: THE DARKEST SECRETS NO ONE WANTS TO ADMIT 🔥

This is not your basic astrology post. This is the raw truth, the obsession, the manipulation, the taboo. These are the secrets written in your chart that you don’t want anyone to know. But I see them. And now, so will everyone else.

🔪 1. Scorpio placements don’t “heal,” they just get better at hiding the damage. You’ll never see a Scorpio truly break down. They’ll self-destruct in private and come back looking stronger, colder, untouchable.

💋 2. Venus in Aries needs the thrill of the chase—but once they catch you, they’re already looking for their next target. The fun isn’t in keeping you, it’s in making you obsessed first.

🕷 3. Pluto in the 7th House doesn’t just attract toxic relationships, they ARE the toxic relationship. If you date them, you will never be the same. You might leave, but you won’t escape.

👄 4. People with Mercury square Pluto know exactly what to say to ruin you. One sentence, one whisper, one well-timed truth—and your entire world crumbles. They don’t argue. They just destroy.

🖤 5. Capricorn moons will mourn you while they’re still in the relationship. They don’t leave when they’re done loving you. They leave when they’ve already grieved your absence in their mind.

🔥 6. Lilith in the 8th House is a walking fantasy and a living nightmare. You will crave them, you will want to own them, and in the end? You will be consumed by them.

👁 7. People with Neptune in the 1st House don’t lie on purpose—they just don’t know who the fuck they are. Every personality they take on is real in the moment—but it won’t be real forever.

💔 8. Mars in the 12th House doesn’t show their anger—they absorb yours. The more you push them, the more it builds. And when it finally explodes? It’s over for you.

⛓ 9. Venus square Saturn can’t tell if they’re in love or in debt to someone. They’ll stay in relationships out of guilt, obligation, or karma long after the love is gone.

🩸 10. Pluto in the 1st House was born with a target on their back. People sense their power before they even speak, and they either want to control them, ruin them, or worship them.

💀 11. If you have Sun opposite Pluto, one of your parents wanted to be you, but couldn’t. Instead, they spent your childhood breaking you down so you’d never surpass them.

💋 12. Venus conjunct Mars people are either irresistible or repulsive—there’s no in-between. People either can’t get enough of them, or they feel deeply disturbed by their energy.

🩸 13. If you have Mars in the 8th House, you know what it’s like to almost kill someone in bed. Enough said.

💀 14. A Moon-Pluto person will love you deeper than anyone else—until they realize you’re not worth it. And when they leave? You’ll never find that depth again.

🕷 15. Chiron in the 7th House attracts lovers who stab them in their weakest spot. Every heartbreak feels like a personal betrayal. They love hard, and they get burned even harder.

💔 16. A Scorpio Venus will NEVER truly let go of you. You will live in the back of their mind, rotting there, forever.

🖤 17. People with Mars in Scorpio never fight fair. If you’ve pissed them off? You won’t even know they’re coming for you until it’s too late.

👁 18. Neptune in the 5th House makes people addicted to falling in love. They don’t love people—they love the feeling of love itself. The moment the illusion breaks, so does their desire.

🕯 19. Saturn in the 12th House comes into this life already tired. Their soul is carrying exhaustion from past lives, and they don’t even know why.

🩸 20. Pluto in the 5th House creates artists that make pain beautiful. They take their trauma and turn it into something that haunts others.

🔥 21. People with Mars in Leo will NEVER forget the one person who rejected them. They could be adored by millions, but the ONE who didn’t bow? That’s the one who haunts them.

🩸 22. If you have Venus in the 12th House, your love life will always feel like a tragic love story. The person you love most? You’ll never fully have them.

🕷 23. Moon in the 8th House people know things about you that you don’t even know about yourself. They can read your soul, your wounds, your fears. And you’ll never understand how.

💔 24. A South Node in the 7th House was born to learn how to be alone. Every relationship will break them down until they learn to choose themselves first.

💀 25. Saturn in the 5th House people never felt like children, even when they were kids. They were born into responsibility, and life has never truly felt light.

🔥 26. Lilith in the 1st House women don’t attract attention—they COMMAND it. People will stare, obsess, and fear them, all without knowing why.

💋 27. Pluto conjunct Venus people will either be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, or the worst. They either heal you, or they leave you scarred for life.

🖤 28. Uranus in the 7th House people attract lovers who come out of nowhere and disappear just as fast. Their love life is a never-ending storm.

💀 29. If someone has Pluto square their Moon, they have an unresolved war with their mother. And it will bleed into every relationship they ever have.

🔥 30. The darkest part of your chart is where you hold the most power. Until you own it? It will own you.

👁 So? Did I hit you where it hurts?

🔥 Drop your placements. Let’s see who’s brave enough to admit the truth..

© PhoenixRisingAstro, 2025. All rights reserved

[yumeka-sxf]

A very short new chapter this week but...wow, the preview mentioned that it's about a dream Anya had, but I wasn't expecting baby Anya right off the bat 😭

A couple things we can infer about this short scene with her mother is that 1) they're both wearing what appears to be hospital or another kind of medical facility gowns, which indicates that they were perhaps both at the lab together. Likely her mother was there first for who knows how long, and Anya was born there?

And 2) the emphasis on being able to fly like a butterfly makes me think that they're trapped there. Anya is too young at this point to understand what's happening, but her mother desires that at least Anya is able to "fly away" to a better life someday.

It's hard to tell if Anya has her mind reading ability yet, or if her mother can read minds too. We don't see any of the "sparkles" that are used as a visual cue for when Anya is mind-reading...I feel like we would have seen that in the scene below when she's looking up at her mother before hugging her. But it could just be too short of a scene to say for sure.

Some notes about the Japanese version, @spencer-is-someone and others were wondering if she calls her ママ ("mama") here as opposed to what she calls Yor, はは ("haha"), and yes, she does call her biological mother the actual word "Mama." This is consistent with the Eden interview scene too.

The first panel of the Japanese version also has this extra text on the left that reads "a precious memory from some other time..."

Something that I mentioned in my review of chapter 102 is how Endo hides the faces of certain characters in other characters' flashbacks, such as how Loid's parents' faces are hidden, as is the face of Henry's wife in Martha's flashback. In the same vein, Anya's mother's face is obscured as well.

I interpret this as the characters' suppressing the memory of the character whose face is hidden due to the emotional trauma that character elicits, a trauma that the character having the flashback is trying to overcome, whether they realize it or not. In Anya's case, it could simply be that she doesn't remember her mother's face since she was so young, but regardless, I like that Endo is being consistent with this.

Side note, it seems like the design for Anya's mother is based on Ashe, a character from one of Endo's previous works. Anya's design was based on Ashe as well, so makes sense that her mother would have a stronger resemblance.

Before the chapter ends, we're treated to "soft" Loid with the little sigh he has (the "phew" cloud in the lower right) whenever he's genuinely relaxing around the family 😊

It's interesting how the mind-reading thing from the previous chapters with Melinda is brought up...when Anya asks if Yor can read her mind, Loid looks concerned, but when Yor tells him she only knew about the potato gratin because Anya saw it on TV, he relaxed.

I kinda hope that the Melinda story continues in the next chapter, but it could be paused for now. Likely we'll be moving onto something else next time. Maybe we'll go back to the "Anya reveals her secret to Damian" thing, since school is resuming according to Loid. I am a bit surprised though that this chapter was so short despite not being called a "Short Mission" chapter. Endo could still be trying to catch up after the recent long hiatus he had due to illness. But it's fine, I'm happy with crumbs of Anya's backstory not matter how small! 😅

[heartsriki]

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY ⌇편지

pairing ᝰ ni-ki x fem!reader — featuring.. jungwon | word count: 2200+

⌇ … warnings & genre ↺ highschool au!, fluff, misunderstandings, sunshine x grumpy.

synopsis — After seeing your tiny crush nishimura riki sneak something into the confession box you just had to investigate.

lee's ₊˚⊹ ᰔ comment ┊guys I swear ill make a non highschool au with riki soon... I couldn't help myself.. anyways its FEB!! can't wait to write valentines themed fics!

Finally.

It was your favorite month of the whole year.

You worked as a library assistant at your school—not because you particularly loved the job, but because it was better than joining a club.

Well… that’s what you told people.

In reality, you had a secret gig.

Tucked away in the most secluded part of the library was your confession box—a simple, unassuming container where students could slip in anonymous notes pouring out their feelings.

It started as something just for you. A place to vent when things got overwhelming. But then, he found out.

Jungwon.

You had no choice but to let him in on your little secret, and somehow, he became your best friend. Over time, word spread, and people started using the box themselves. What once held only your thoughts turned into a place where students whispered their love stories into folded pieces of paper.

Only Jungwon knew you were the one behind it.

And now, February had arrived—the holy grail of confessions. Sure, people submitted notes year-round, but around Valentine’s Day? The numbers spiked.

You weren’t going to lie. You loved it. Not just the thrill of reading them (and occasionally sharing the best ones with Jungwon, who never breathed a word), but the idea that you were helping people express what they were too afraid to say out loud.

So here you were, stationed at the front desk, pretending to browse book requests on the computer when a group of girls giggled their way to the back of the library.

Your eyes flickered toward them, amused. Definitely not because you were excited to read their confessions later. Nope. Definitely not.

Then, moments later—he walked in.

Riki.

The second you saw him, your instincts flared up. Suspicious.

Riki never stepped foot in the library. He barely did his assignments, let alone read for fun. So why was he here?

You watched, careful not to make it obvious. He glanced around, acting almost… nervous? And then, without a word, he disappeared into the back.

Seconds later, he reappeared from the other side—hands in his pockets, expression unreadable, walking out as if nothing had happened.

Your breath hitched.

No way.

Did Nishimura Riki just put a confession in your box?

Your hand scrambled for your phone. You had to tell someone.

You:

JUNGWONJUNGWONOMG

PLSPLSANSWERLOOKATURPHONE

Wonnie:

Ok what the hell

What is it?

You:

You are NEVER going to believe who just slid into the back of the library.

Wonnie:

Is it Jake again? Poor guy

Maybe Jay? Idk tell me

You:

Nishimura… Riki…

Wonnie:

… Fr?

Maybe he confessed to you?

You:

Right, totally.

Wonnie:

Think about it.

And you did think about it.

You and Riki had a… relationship. Not exactly a friendship, but not total strangers either.

You first met in detention.

It was your first time there, and you had no idea what you were supposed to do. So, naturally, you turned to the guy next to you—the one with his headphones on, slouched in his seat like he owned the place.

Curious, you tapped his shoulder.

He flinched, looking caught before turning to glare at you. “What?”

You blinked. “How did you sneak those in? Can I listen too?”

Before he could answer, you asked another question. “Wait, also—what are we supposed to do in here?”

His face twisted in disbelief. “What do we do in detention? You sit here. Now be quiet before—”

“Mr. Nishimura, sneaking electronics in again?” The teacher’s voice cut in, hand outstretched.

Riki groaned, slumping back in his seat before begrudgingly handing over his phone and headphones.

When the teacher walked away, he snapped his head back to you, eyes burning with betrayal.

You swore he glared at you for the rest of the day.

Ever since then, you tried to make it up to him—with snacks, lunch, even passing him worksheets to copy. Eventually, after weeks of bugging him, he forgave you.

Kind of.

Even now, he still acted so indifferent.

Whenever you waved at him in the hallway, he looked away. When you invited him to sit with you and your friends, he ignored you. Even when you walked beside him, talking about anything and everything—he barely responded.

At first, you assumed he was just bad with people. But then you saw him with his friends—laughing, joking, talking.

So why was he only like this with you?

Eventually, you gave up.

You distanced yourself, refusing to waste energy on someone who clearly wanted nothing to do with you.

But then, every now and then, you’d catch him staring—or see him approach you, only to hesitate and walk away.

It was confusing. Frustrating. You told yourself you didn’t care anymore.

Until the school trip.

It had been late at night when you were sent to fetch supplies from the shed—a small, isolated building at the edge of the woods.

You weren’t scared, but walking alone with only a flashlight wasn’t exactly comforting.

By the time you found everything, thunder rumbled outside. Moments later, the skies opened up.

Heavy rain. Lightning. The kind of downpour that turned dirt trails into slippery nightmares.

Running back wasn’t an option.

So, hugging your knees to your chest, you sat in the shed—silent, alone, trying not to cry.

Minutes passed. Then—

The door burst open.

You jumped, heart nearly stopping—until your eyes locked with his.

Riki.

He stood there, soaked from head to toe, breathless, his curls sticking to his forehead.

Did he… run here?

He didn’t speak. Just stared for a moment, like he was checking if you were okay, before stepping inside and sitting next to you.

“Jesus,” he muttered. “You’re helpless, you know that?”

You blinked, then let out a soft, teary laugh. He was trying to act tough. But he was clearly worried.

Neither of you spoke after that. You just sat there, listening to the storm. Well, you spoke—rambling like you used to, and for once, he didn’t seem to mind.

By the time the rain cleared, something between you had shifted.

And now, months later, here you were—staring at an empty confession box, knowing Riki put something inside, yet not finding his name anywhere.

Jungwon’s voice pulled you back.

“I knew I’d find you here.” He smirked. “Anything good?”

You forced a laugh, trying to mask your disappointment. “Yeah, some interesting ones. Oh—Minji completely dropped her last crush and moved on to a new one. Isn’t that crazy?”

Jungwon squinted at you. “You’re looking for Riki’s, aren’t you?”

You groaned, immediately dropping your head onto the table. “I’m pitiful. Don’t look at me.”

Jungwon laughed, dragging a chair out and sitting across from you. “You’re not pitiful. Just mildly down bad.”

You groaned, keeping your forehead against the table. “But I know he put something in there. I saw him! I was so ready to read it, but it’s like—poof!—nothing!”

Jungwon tapped his fingers on the table, thinking. “You sure he actually put something in the box?”

You lifted your head slightly. “Of course, I literally watched him sneak in.”

“Then…” Jungwon grinned knowingly. “What if he took something out?”

That made you pause. You sat up straight, eyes wide. “Wait… What?”

“Think about it,” Jungwon continued. “If he put in a confession and realized he wasn’t ready, maybe he took it back.”

Your mind raced. That… actually made sense. But why would Riki take it back? And more importantly—who was he confessing to?

The thought made your stomach twist, and you weren’t sure why.

Jungwon smirked, clearly enjoying the sight of you struggling. “You could just ask him, you know.”

You scoffed. “Yeah, right. ‘Hey, Riki! Weird question, but did you happen to steal a confession from my box?’”

“Why not?” Jungwon shrugged. “Or are you scared of the answer?”

You opened your mouth, ready to deny it, but the words never came. Were you scared? The idea of Riki confessing to someone else made your chest feel tight in a way you weren’t ready to unpack.

Before you could respond, the student council room door creaked open again.

And there he was.

Riki stood in the doorway, hands shoved into his pockets, his hair a little bit above his eyes which flickered between you and Jungwon before settling on you.

Jungwon raised an eyebrow, glancing between the two of you. “Welp. That’s my cue to leave.” He patted your shoulder before slipping past Riki, whispering a quick, “Good luck,” on his way out.

The door clicked shut. Silence.

You swallowed. “Um… Did you need a book or—”

“I didn’t take it back.”

Your breath hitched.

Riki sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “The letter. I didn’t take it back.”

Your heart was pounding now. You tried to keep your voice steady. “What do you mean?”

His gaze dropped to the floor. “I put it in there without a doubt, I think… someone else removed it. Maybe it was a sign not to confess to you.”

You.

Your throat went dry. “It was… for me?”

Riki let out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah. Obviously.”

You blinked. “Obviously? What do you mean obviously? You ignore me ninety percent of the time!”

He huffed, looking almost embarrassed. “I don’t ignore you.”

“You literally pretend not to hear me half the time!”

“Because I don’t know what to say!” Riki finally looked at you, frustration and something else—something softer—lingering in his expression. “You drive me crazy, you know that? You talk too much, you’re way too nosy, and you never leave things alone. And somehow, I—” He stopped, exhaling sharply. “I like you, okay?”

Your brain short-circuited.

Riki rolled his eyes at your stunned silence. “This is embarrassing.”

You snapped out of your trance. “Wait, wait. Back up. You like me?”

He groaned, turning toward the door. “Forget I said anything—”

You grabbed his sleeve before he could leave.

He froze.

Slowly, you grinned. “You like me.”

Riki’s ears were turning red. “Shut up.”

You laughed, warmth bubbling in your chest. You never thought you’d get anywhere with him, and yet—here he was, out of breath looking at you so fondly, confessing in the most Riki-like way possible.

February was definitely your favorite month of them all.

BONUS 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

The moment Riki stepped into the library, he knew he was making a mistake.

This wasn’t his scene. He didn’t do books, didn’t do anything that required more effort than necessary. But here he was, standing in the one place he actively avoided, shoving his hands deeper into his hoodie pockets as his eyes flickered toward the back.

He could feel your gaze on him.

You were always watching him.

Not in a weird way—more like you were constantly trying to figure him out. Always with that curious glint in your eyes, like he was a puzzle you were determined to solve.

He hated it.

No, that wasn’t true. He hated that he liked it.

And now, as he made his way toward the confession box—the stupidest thing he’d ever been a part of—he was hoping you weren’t paying too much attention.

With one last glance around, he slipped to the back, pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket, and dropped it inside.

Then, without missing a beat, he walked out through the other side, playing it cool.

It took everything in him not to look back.

He could already picture the way your brain was short-circuiting, the way you were probably grabbing your phone to text Jungwon. You always told him everything, after all.

Riki swore under his breath as he left the library.

He wasn’t even sure why he did it.

Well.

That was a lie.

He knew why.

It was because of you.

Because you confused the hell out of him.

You were supposed to be annoying—loud, persistent, way too nosy for your own good. You were supposed to be someone he could easily brush off, like he did with everyone else.

But you weren’t.

Because no matter how many times he ignored your waves in the hallway, you still smiled at him. No matter how often he shut you out, you never stopped trying.

And then you stopped.

You finally gave up on him.

And for some reason, that made his chest feel too tight.

Ever since that night on the school trip, when he found you curled up alone in the shed, it had been harder and harder to act like he didn’t care.

That night, when he heard you were missing—it was like he could imagine you with red eyed, shoulders shaking—he couldn’t stop himself.

Didn’t even think.

He just ran.

Ran straight into the storm, through the rain, barely able to see a damn thing—but knowing exactly where he was going.

When he finally got there, when he saw you small and fragile under the dim light, something in him cracked.

He never wanted to see you like that again.

But he didn’t know how to tell you that.

He wasn’t good with words. He wasn’t good with feelings.

So he wrote it down instead.

It wasn’t a confession, not in the way you expected.

But it was something.

Something for your eyes only.

Something he thought you would have found by now.

So when he walked passed the student council room later that evening, seeing you and Jungwon hunched over the pile of notes, he knew immediately.

You hadn’t seen it.

Because if you had, you wouldn’t be looking for his name like he overheard.

And now, as both your heads snapped toward him, your eyes wide and startled—

Riki sighed, stepping forward.

…You took it, didn’t you? He thought looking straight at Jungwon.

Because if you didn’t find his letter in the box…

Then someone must have.

What was Jungwon playing at?

What happens next? Click (optional)

[sharlsworld]

⋆⭒˚.⋆ guilty pleasure - 𝐂𝐋𝟏𝟔 ✴︎

（ 𝗉𝖺𝗂𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 ）𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗋𝗅𝖾𝗌 𝗅𝖾𝖼𝗅𝖾𝗋𝖼 𝗑 𝖺𝗋𝗍𝗁𝗎𝗋𝗌 𝖻𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋

（ 𝗌𝗎𝗆𝗆𝖺𝗋𝗒 ）𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗋𝗅𝖾𝗌 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝖺 𝗅𝗂𝗍𝗍𝗅𝖾 𝗌𝗅𝗂𝗉 𝗎𝗉 𝗈𝗇 𝗂𝗇𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗀𝗋𝖺𝗆 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖺𝖼𝖼𝗂𝖽𝖾𝗇𝗍𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝗋𝖾𝗏𝖾𝖺𝗅𝗌 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝗁𝗂𝗆 𝖿𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖿𝖺𝗆𝗂𝗅𝗒 𝗀𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗉 𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗍

note ✫ pt. 2 of my best friends brother, this could be read as a stand alone but would make more sense to look at the other smau. the first post is kinda suggestive

🝮

yn

liked by pierregasly and 1,728,306 others

yn was going through my camera roll, i miss summer so bad

charles_leclerc first

charles_leclerc Omg I remember that week was absolute hell I felt like a teenage boy going through puberty

⤷ arthur_leclerc ew is that why you wouldn’t play chicken with us??? y/n wanted to play so bad then you ran away. you sicko what a perv

⤷ charles_leclerc It’s not funny arthur and I don’t know why you would suggest musical chairs on a fucking boat but that was horrible she sat on my lap and I almost creamed my pants right there

⤷ arthur_leclerc No one wants to know that you fuckin perv 🤮🤮 #lockcharlesup

⤷ charles_leclerc stop calling me a sicko and a perv just because she’s younger then me. i’ll purple nurple you arthur.

⤷ arthur_leclerc I’ll shave all your hair off when you’re asleep. You sleep like a rock you won’t feel a thing.

⤷ charles_leclerc I’ll shave your eyebrows off then you cunt

⤷ yn ok let’s stop there 😊

⤷ charles_leclerc Whatever you say bébé

francisca.cgomes hottie 😍😍🤤

carlossainz55 Who’s that cutie in the last slide?

⤷ alex_albon I thought we had a connection…we went on a coffee date carlos 😔

⤷ carlossainz55 Shhh look away baby, he has attachment issues…you’re the one I come home to every day 😘

⤷ yn ally 🏳️‍🌈 now get this gay fest out of my comment section

🝮

charles_leclerc

liked by lewishamilton and 5,544,814 others

charles_leclerc y/n via jade’s instagram story

yn wrong account?

arthur_leclerc is this meant for what i think it’s meant for?

jade_distinguinn Ummm???

lando charles marc hervé perceval leclerc do you run a fan page for your little brothers best friend? OMG IM GONNA GO FIND IT SHUT UP

georgerussell63 Ah, you’re one of us

⤷ danielricciardo NO WAY I FUCKING CALLED THIS IS SO CRAZY YOU LIAM ALEX AND LANDO OWE ME 300 BUCKS IM GONNA BE RICH

⤷ liamlawson30 you’re already rich?

⤷ danielricciardo Shut up and venmo me my money cunt THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

arthur_leclerc OMG YOU RUN A FUCKING FAN ACCOUNT FOR Y/N THIS IS SO AMAZING WHATS THE USERNAME PLEASE

alex_albon this is tewww good drop the user king

leclerc_pascale Charles how long has this been going on?

pierregasly NO WAY BRO YOUR LIFE IS OVER

maxverstappen1 Absolute gold, this is pure cinema. Keep it up mate 🥳😂

lando SHUT UP ARE YOU CHARLESLOVESYN???

⤷ liamlawson30 NO WAY I FUCKING LOVE THAT ACCOUNT BRO

⤷ alex_albon I always wondered how they were always so quick to update

⤷ georgerussell63 Omg no way I stalk that account every night before bed

⤷ danielricciardo SHUT UP AND VENMO ME MY MONEY YOU GUYS PLEASUHHHHH

arthur_leclerc CHARLES TELL US YOUR SECRETS HOW DO YOU MANAGE A SUCCESSFUL FANPAGE WHILE BEING A F1 DRIVER??? 🎤🎤🎤

yn awhhh charles baby you’re so sweet

⤷ arthur_leclerc WTF THATS SO CREEPY??? ITS BEEN GOING SINCE 2021 THATS WHEN YOU TURNED 18????

⤷ yn don’t be mean arthur it’s sweet

⤷ arthur_leclerc oh my gosh you poor thing he’s brainwashed you 💔

⤷ yn stop being mean or i’ll post that one picture of you for everyone to see

⤷ arthur_leclerc 🤐

🝮

charleslovesyn

liked by lando and 573,649 others

charleslovesyn l’amour de ma vie ❤️

estiebestie omg she looks so pretty where did you get this from??

⤷ charleslovesyn my camera roll??

⤷ estiebestie oh!

⤷ estiebestie OHHHHHH

lando I FOUND IT IM FASTER THEN THE FUCKING FBI THIS IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY LIFE

⤷ danielriccardo Bruh send me my money

⤷ lando are you going broke or something damn

maxverstappen1 How do you have 70k followers

⤷ alex_albon this is THE y/n fan page max

yn sweet babyyy i love you

⤷ pierregasly Wow you two are a different level of down bad for each other

leclerc_pascale Well, at least it’s a successful fan account son ❤️

arthur_leclerc If I speak…

⤷ yn shut up arthur you burned your neck with my curling iron and told everyone it was a hickey

⤷ arthur_leclerc Oh my goshhh why would you say that 😔

⤷ yn quit being mean to charles he’s feeling very overwhelmed right now

⤷ arthur_leclerc sorry i forgot he can’t focus on anything but you anymore 😒

⤷ yn you still watch moana whenever we finish watch a scary movie

⤷ arthur_leclerc y/n stopppppp

lance_stroll Bros really been playing hard to get when he’s been running a fan page since 2021

⤷ yn shut up maple licker go hug a moose or something

⤷ yn omg i’m sorry lance i just wanted to say that but i don’t know anyone else who’s canadian 😿

⤷ lance_stroll you’re gucci queen don’t fret

georgerussell63 What a time to be alive

⤷ danielriccardo Oh so you can comment on charles’ fan page for his gf but not venmo me my money I won fair and square??

⤷ georgerussell63 Give me a minute damn I’m still riding on the high of this whole thing

🝮

charles_leclerc

liked by arthur_leclerc and 3,381,160 others

charles_leclerc and what about it

francisca.cgomes King behavior honestly

alex_albon period

arthur_leclerc Okay tone the attitude down queen charles

⤷ yn 😐 have you learned nothing or do want me to tell everyone the time you peed yourself cause you got excited when you seen adele…last year

⤷ arthur_leclerc ain’t no way you just said that bruh 😓 i remember when you used to defend me like this when charles would be mean to me 😔

georgerussell63 Don’t ever let them shame the fan girl out of you ✊ we’re in 4life

carlossainz55 Yesss queen show your true self

lilymhe I wish Alex would make a fan page for me too…guess he doesn’t love me 😔

⤷ alex_albon I literally tried and you told me no.

⤷ lilymhe BECAUSE YOU MADE A GOSSIP PAGE

⤷ alex_albon JUST SAY YOU HATE ME GOSH

danielricciardo i’m still waiting for my money…

⤷ lando we’re sending it damn 😒

⤷ georgerussell63 Do you need it for rent or something jeez…

⤷ alex_albon seriously you already blew through your savings or what??

⤷ liamlawson30 don’t worry bud, i sent you a little extra. get yourself something nice ❤️

⤷ danielricciardo You sent me 1 extra dollar…

⤷ liamlawson30 send that shit back then damn, everyone’s so ungrateful these days 😒

⤷ danielricciardo Hell nah I’m keeping that shit

[libraford]

A local organization here has released a list of books that they feel are imperative to have in the time ahead. The list was not easily shareable, so I copy-pasted it here.

There is no need to read all of these, but one thing you can do that takes little effort is call your library and see if they have them in stock.

If you are moneyed, you can buy some copies and put them in little free libraries.

EDUCATING FOR ADVOCACY BOOK LIST

All books are written by authors from that culture

BOOKS FOR ADULTS

(2024) Be a Revolution: How Everyday People are Fighting Oppression and Changing the World - and How You Can, Too by Ijeoma Oluo

Each chapter discusses how someone is advocating for oppressed populations

and has examples of how others can do the same or similar.

(2024) The Message by Ta-Nehisi Coates

The author travels to Senegal, South Carolina and Palestine and grapples with deep questions and emotions.

(2023) Better Living Through Birding: Notes From a Black Man in the Natural World by Christian Cooper

A memoir of a Black man learning to claim space for himself and others like him.

(2022) Myth America: Historians Take On the Biggest Legends and Lies about Our Past Edited by Kevin M. Kruse and Julian E. Zelizer

The title explains it so well.

(2022) South to America: A Journey Below the Mason Dixon to Understand the Soul of a Nation by Imani Perry

History, rituals, and landscapes of the American South and why they must be understand it in order to understand America.

(2022) Memphis by Tara M. Stringfellow

Tells the story of 3 generations of a Southern Black family in Memphis.

(2021) How the Word is Passed: A Reckoning with the History of Slavery Across America by Clint Smith

An exploration of important monuments and landmarks in the USA that show

how slavery has been foundational in the development and history of our country.

(2021) The Sum of Us: What Racism Costs Everyone and How We Can Prosper Together by Heather McGhee

The title explains it.

(2021) The Seed Keeper by Diane Wilson

Historical fiction telling the story of several generations of a Dakota family

(2020) The Good Immigrant: 26 Writers Reflect on America edited by Nikesh Shukla and Chimene Suleyman

26 authors share their stories of living in the USA.

(2020) Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents by Isabel Wilkerson

Examines the unspoken caste system that has shaped America and shows how we continue to be defined in this way..

(2020) This Is What America Looks Like: My Journey from Refugee to Congresswoman

by Ilhan Omar

This title explains it.

(2019) The 1619 Project: A New Origin Story by Nikole Hannah Jones (among others)

Reframes our understanding of American history by placing slavery and its continuing legacy at the center of our national narrative.

(2019) Things are Good Now by Djamila Ibrahim

Stories of how migrants sort out their lives in foreign lands.

(2018) So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo

An examination of race in America.

(2018) I’m Still Here by Austin Channing Brown

A memoir telling her journey of learning to love her blackness while navigating America's racial divide.

(2018) If They Come for Us by Fatimah Asghar

Poetry that captures the experience of being a Pakistani Muslim woman in contemporary America, while exploring identity, violence, and healing.

(2016) Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of History of Racist Ideas in America by Ibram X. Kendi

Traces the history of Black America.

(2015) Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

A memoir, in the form of a letter to his young son, telling his personal experiences with racism and violence in the United States.

(2015) My Seneca Village by Marilyn Nelson

Poetry and information about Seneca Village – a multi-racial, multi-ethnic neighborhood in the center of Manhattan (Central Park ) that thrived in the mid-19th century.

(2014) An Indigenous Peoples' History of the United States by Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz

Tells the 400+ years of US history, from the perspective of Indigenous peoples

(2013) Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom Scientific Knowledge, and the Teaching of Plants by Robin Wall Kimmerer

Explores the place of plants and botany in both Indigenous and Western life.

(2010) The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America’s Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson

Follows the stories of three Black Americans’ migration journeys from Mississippi, Florida and Louisiana.

(2010) The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness

By Michelle Alexander

Explains how we haven’t ended, but have redesigned, the caste system in the U.S.

(1972) Lame Deer, Seeker of Visions by John (Fire) Lame Deer and Richard Erdoes

Told by Lame Deer, a Lakota medicine man, this memoir teaches the history of Indigenous people in the USA.

BOOKS FOR GRADES K-12

GRADES 7 - 12

(2021) Firekeeper’s Daughter by Angeline Boulley

The novel's main character is a young woman with a French mother and an Ojibwe father, who often feels torn between cultures.

(2021) The 1619 Project: Born on the Water by Nikole Hannah-Jones and Renée Watson

Illustrated by Nikkolas Smith

Tells the story and consequences of American slavery in verse.

(2020) Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You by Jason Reynolds and Ibram X. Kendi

Shorter and appropriate for middle and high schoolers.

(2020) All Boys Aren’t Blue by George M. Johnson

Series of personal essays about the author’s life growing up as a gay, black man.

(2020) Dictionary for a Better World: Poems, Quotes, and Anecdotes from A to Z by Irene Latham and Charles Waters Illustrated by Mehrdokt Amini

Explained in title.

(2020) Woke: A Young Poet’s Call to Justice by Mahogany L. Browne with Elizabeth Acevedo and Olivia Gatewood Illustrated by Theodore Taylor III

Poetry about fighting for racial justice through joy and passion.

(2020) Be Amazing: A History of Pride by Desmond Is Amazing Illustrated by Dylan Glynn

The history of Pride, with bold illustrations, focusing on the importance of embracing one’s own uniqueness and tuning out the haters.

(2020) Dear Justyce (Dear Martin #2) by Nic Stone

Continues the story of Justyce from Dear Martin in a series of flashbacks and letters.

(2020) Punching the Air by Ibi Zoboi and Yusef Salaam

A novel in verse about a boy who is wrongfully incarcerated.

(2019) Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobab

The author tells the story of life as a nonbinary person in graphic novel form.

(2019) An Indigenous Peoples' History of the United States for Young People original book by Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz adapted by Debbie Rees and Jean Mendoza

Shorter and appropriate for middle and high schoolers

(2017) Sea Prayer by Khalad Hosseini Illustrated by Dan Williams

Written as a poetic letter, from father to son, this is a story of the journey of refugees.

(2017) Dear Martin (Dear Martin #1) by Nic Stone

A story of the realities of a Black teen living in America.

(2015) All American Boys by Jason Reynolds and Brendan Kiely

From the perspective of two teenage boys, one Black and one White, a story is told with the realization that racism and prejudice are still alive and well.

(2015) Beyond Magenta: Transgender and Nonbinary Teens Speak Out by Susan Kuklin

The author interviewed six transgender for gender-neutral young adults and lets

them tell their story.

(2011) Heart and Soul: The Story of America and African Americans written and illustrated by Kadir Nelson

The title explains it well

GRADES 4 - 6

(2023) An American Story by Kwame Alexander illustrated by Dare Coulter

Tells the story, poetically and honestly, about American slavery

(2023) Step by Step!: How the Lincoln School Marchers Blazed a Trail to Justice

by Debbie Rigaud and Carlotta Penn illustrated by Nysha Pierce

Tells the story of a group of Black mothers and children and their two-year march to integrate an Ohio elementary school.

(2022) Say Their Names by Caroline Brewer illustrated by Adrian Brandon

A young Black girl leads a #BlackLivesMatter protest march.

(2021) Stamped (For Kids): Racism, Antiracism, and You by Jason Reynolds and Ibram X. Kendi.

Shorter, more kid friendly version of Stamped from the Beginning.

(2021) Unspeakable: The Tulsa Race Massacre by Carole Boston Weatherford illustrated by Floyd Cooper

Traces the history of this African-American ‘Wall Street District’ and its destruction by White supremacists.

(2016). I Dissent: Ruth Bader Ginsburg Makes Her Mark by Debbie Levy illustrated by Elizabeth Baddeley

The life and work of RBG told in picture book form.

(2008) Silent Music: A Story of Baghdad written and illustrated by James Rumford

Ancient and recent history of Baghdad from the perspective of a young boy.

(2005) Show Way by Jacqueline Woodson illustrated by Hudson Talbott

Traces the history of the ‘show way’ quilt from slavery through freedom.

(2005) My Name is Bilal by Asma Mobin-Uddin illustrated by Barbara Kiwak

Muslim-American student experiencing religious prejudice.

(2005). Amelia to Zora: Twenty-Six Women Who Changed the World by Cynthia Chin-Lee Ilustrated by Megan Halsey and Sean Addy

An alphabet book that teaches about the extraordinary lives of 26 women.

(1978). The Other Way to Listen by Byrd Baylor and Peter Parnall

Helps children learn about indigenous cultures.

GRADES PRE-K - 3

(2023) These Olive Trees: A Palestinian Family’s Story written and illustrated by Aya Ghanameh

A story of a young girl and her family in Nablus, Palestine, 1967

(2020). Antiracist Baby by Ibram X. Kendi illustrated by Ashley Lukashvsky

Teaches young children how to be an antiracist.

(2016). When We Were Alone by David A. Robertson and Julie Flett

A young, indigenous girl learns about her grandmother’s experience in a

residential school.

(2013). A is for Activist by Innosanto Nagara (board book)

An ABC book that teaches children about being an activist.

[princesssmars]

so...we can all agree vi is an ass girl, right?

modern!au. 18+ content ahead. post contains lesbian sex and dry humping. inspired by this video from love and deepspace. i didnt know they got down like that. wc : 3.081.

she didn't show it often before, but lately violet could quickly become so achingly desperate for you.

she didn't show it often, but violet could become so achingly desperate.

at the start of your relationship, she tried to play off her need for you in a casual way, brushing it off as just being a very attentive girlfriend. you never had a problem with, always open and accepting of whatever little bits of attention she would give to you.

but then one day she slips, and she can feel your dynamic shift as soon as it happens.

she was away visiting her family for the holidays, body snugly tucked under the covers in her childhood bed as she held her phone above her face. the house was quiet, the air was cold, and she was having an internal battle with the reasonable part of her that told her to call it a night and drift off to sleep already...

and then there was the other side. the one that suddenly brings to her attention the steady heat that’s been building beneath her stomach after you sent the prettiest photo of you all dolled up in your parent’s guest bathroom. the one that made her bite her lip as she observed every inch of you through the screen before instantly liking the photo and sending back a flirty message. the one that now gravitated her fingers to calling your phone in the middle of the night and hoping and praying you’d pick up, nearly breathing a sigh of relief when you did.

"vi? are you alright?"

loaded question, she thinks to herself. in perfect health? of course. of sound mind? debatable, but for the most part yes. alright? no, definitely not at the moment.

"yeah, yeah, i’m alright princess. just wanted to talk to you."

"aww, you're such a sweetie. how'd i get so lucky, huh?"

and yes, she does appreciate and silently adore the sweet sentiment. but the sound of you cooing at her with just the tiniest hint of a rasp in your voice from tiredness only cements her fate, having to use all of the rational energy she has left to stop whimpering.

"tell me how your trips been. wanna hear your voice for a little longer."

"no problem. well im fine, everyone here is good. besides my aunt nat, she's still moody because no one allowed her in the kitchen again-"

you go on about your family and their shenanigans, and she cant help but quietly laugh along when you giggle about some of the stories and memories you've made. but the 'conversation' takes a turn when you start to talk about her.

"you know i miss you, right?"

she feels a subtle pang in her chest, half longing and half desire. "oh yeah?"

"yeah. rolled over in bed this morning and kept trying to find you till i realized where i was. it's weird not waking up with you."

she hums, hoping you cant hear her stuttered breaths through the receiver. she doesn't know why hearing about you subconsciously looking for her embrace is what does it for her, but she can only give a short response as one of her hands trails down into boxers.

"wish i could've been there with you, baby."

"mmm, me too. missed your warmth, swear you're like my own personal heater. wish you could be here with me now."

her breathing stops and her eyebrows raise. "oh yeah?"

"yeah. missed your hands, too."

fuck, fuck fuck fuck. she's taken off guard, mind racing at your words and tone and before she knows it she has two fingers stuffed inside of herself while she quietly whimpers for you to keep talking to her.

"fuck, just a little more baby, please, 'm so close-"

"aww, you're such a good girl for me, aren't you violet?"

she swears she bites her lip so hard it nearly bleeds when she cums, walls clenching around her fingers and eyes rolling back into her head as she reaches her peak while you talk her through it.

the next week when she picks you up from the airport she can see it, a glimmer in your eye and quick in your smile that wasn't there before. she tries to ignore it when she pulls you in for a long-awaited embrace but then she just gets so enveloped in your warmth, your smell, the feeling of your body pressed hers. she's only yanked out of her lovestruck stupor when you whisper a sly little comment in her ear about how long and tight she's been holding you.

"call me crazy but if i didnt know any better i'd say you're feeling a little desperate for me."

so the cats out of the bag. she's super attached to you, so what? it's not like you ever complained about it, instead constantly using her neediness to your advantage to get what you want from her. you'll likely never have to beg and convince her to get up from bed to change the thermostat again, only needing to graze your hand across her chest and press a lingering kiss to the space beneath her chin before she's leaping out of bed and speedwalking down the hall.

and don't even get her started on her libido. the both of you had an amazing sex life already, able to almost instinctually tell what brought the other the most mindblowing pleasure possible. but ever since that night, it's like her desire for you only increased tenfold, barely able to go a day without getting her hands on you or vice versa.

it only reached a head when you decided to truly test her limits.

she had taken up a later shift to help out loris who had a date, which meant by the time she returned home she was too tuckered out to have her way with you. but during times like these, she could always count on the early morning sun waking her up just in the rich window of time for morning sex. but when the light rays peek through her bedroom window and she uses her arm to pull you closer she finds you absent, your side of the bed cold.

after a brief search through the house, she opened her text messages just to find your sent a sweet text only an hour before she’d woken up to tell her your friends had invited you on a last minute girls day around the city the night before, and you didn’t want to wake her from her sleep since she seemed exhausted when she got home.

vi groans and falls back into the pillows, lousily texting you back a short message to tell you she loves you and hopes you have fun with your friends. she’ll be alright, she can go a few more hours without you near.

but only an hour later after she’s showered and eaten a quick breakfast she feels the ache start to build in her chest, eyes darting up to the clock on the wall and groaning when realizes just how long this day is going to feel.

everything she tries to do to keep her mind off of you fails miserably. doing chores? she's thinking back on the time when the both of you first split up household duties when you moved in together, feeling giddy at sharing something so menial with the girl she was enamored with. making herself a protein shake for the gym? now she's stuck in a daydream about all the times you've been in this kitchen together, sharing sweet baked goods and sweeter kisses as you settle into domestic bliss.

she has got to get out of the house.

jayce understood her problem as soon as she called inviting her down to the gym for a few hours to work off any ‘pent-up energy’ she’s currently... unable to get out in her preferred method.

it works for a while, the familiar smell of sweat and the slight ache in her muscles grounding her back into reality as she makes casual gym talk with jayce. she's just starting to feel like the absence of you is off of her mind when she hears your text notification on her phone, accidentally leaving her place as jayces spotter to open up her phone.

as soon as her brain registers that you’ve sent her pictures she makes up some lame excuse to get to the bathroom, tuning out her friend's groan of disapproval as she speed walks to the restrooms and locks herself in one of the stalls.

the first few messages are sweet, little selfies of you and your friends as you enjoy your day together as you get some sweet treats together at one of the malls concession stands. a lovesick smile involuntarily grows on her face, always happy to see you smiling and enjoying yourself with the people who care about you. but her eyes start to squint when you start to send pictures of you trying on various outfits from some of the outlet stores, posing demurely in front of the trying room mirrors.

but then her eyes widen to the size of dinner plates when suddenly shes getting photos of you in her vagina's favorite enemy - lingerie.

even before vi started acting so eager about your body, it wasn't hard for you to catch on to the fact that the woman was so clearly an ass girl. even on five hands, you wouldn't be able to count the number of times you’d caught her staring or sneaking small glances at your behind, not to mention how she thought she was being discreet about her affection for it with the numerous times she’d slap it when walking by you. she tried to laugh it off when you brought it up in conversation, assuring you that she loved each and every part of you and could never pick a favorite.

but now you were determined to really see how much she wanted you, using every dirty trick in the book you could think of. she feels her face get hot as she looks down at her phone, the image of you in lacy lingerie, back facing the mirror as the magenta fabric (nearly the same shade as her hair, jesus christ,) stretches across the swell of your ass and crisis crosses across your back.

her brain short circuits. before she can think about it she’s saving the pictures to her phone and calling you at the speed of light.

“hey, violet. how’s your day?”

“you are so… evil. amazing and beautiful and evil.”

your giggle rings through the receiver, melodic and teasing. “what's the problem? you don't like the set?”

“don’t even joke. when are you getting home?”

“mmm not till late, the girls wanted to go to a club tonight.”

“oh you’ve got to be kidding me-”

“do you want me to send you the address?”

vi hasn't been to a nightclub in months, at first harshly avoiding the hard party scene in favor of her sobriety before feeling no need to indulge in the party scene once her life became more stable, especially after she met you. but she never stopped you from going out and having fun with your friends, tagging along once in a blue moon to sip on a mocktail while she chatted up the bartender and stared at your ass while you danced.

tonight was an extremely necessary blue moon.

the air is hot, and the feel of her drink burns her throat as vi waits at the bar, blue eyes wide and aware as she stares at the club’s crowded entrance like it owes her money. the bartender asks if she’s alright, scared she’s waiting for someone to arrive to jump them before she assures them she’s fine. they slowly nod and get back to making drinks, nearly dropping a glass out of fright when she slams her glass on the bar and quickly makes her way over to you.

if she wasn't so laser-focused on finally getting her hands on you she might've been a little cocky at the fact that you look like you were about to salivate at the sight of her, knowing she made the right decision to wear the tight pants she knew you loved on her. in only a second she’s got her hands settled on your waist, not caring that your friends are laughing at her clear excitement over seeing you in your club outfit, a tiny dress so she can see the wide expanse of your legs, your arms, your shoulder - fuck, the straps of the pink bra aren’t even hidden by the strapless dress-

“wanna dance with me?” your voice is nothing short of flirtatious, and you already know your answer by the way you start to walk past her to the dance floor, already predicting how she follows you like she’s on a leash.

as the both of you grind and dance in the middle of the club every thought racing through vi’s head is centered on you, physically and mentally unable to focus on anything else when she finally has you so close again after what felt like years. she feels a familiar sense of euphoria when her palms glide up and down your waist, smirking to herself when she feels you shudder when her hands reach up to cup and discreetly squeeze your breasts. she’s feeling happy about finally starting to turn the tables back on you before you arch your back into her, your ass pressing into her as your hand reaches up to her head, nails dusting along her cheek before reaching into her hair and pulling.

it’s only to be expected that that’s her breaking point, dragging you through the dancing bodies and into the back of the building until she can find anywhere to get you alone, thanking any god that exists above that she finds an open storage closet and drags you inside, pressing you face first towards the door. a little voice in her head reminds her not to be too rough with you, but it’s quickly silenced when she sees just how much you crave it, how your back is yet again arching and your hands are clenching into fists from their places on the wooden door.

it's nice, to remember that you want her as much as she wants you.

in only a few seconds she’s given into it, pressing you further into the door by pressing her body against yours and grinding her crotch into the fat of your ass, eyes lidded and head dropping to rest on your shoulder from the rush of pleasure she feels below.

“vi, oh my god-” your voice is light and airy, every word almost choked out as you struggle to prevent yourself from moaning out and alerting every person in the bar about what the two of you were up to.

“i know, fuck, I know, baby. i just-” she cuts herself off with a groan when she lets her hand travel down your front and under your dress to your panties, face running hot when she feels just how wet you’ve gotten. she’s all but rushing to ruche up your dress, mind going fuzzy yet again at seeing the pink fabric covering your ass and how it feels under her when she begins humping you yet again.

“nngh, knew it. knew you were an ass girl.” you giggle.

“god, please stop talking-”

whatever snarky little comment you were going to make dies in your throat when her arm comes up and around your neck to hold your jaw, turning your head around and smashing her lips onto yours. you whimper and moan into her mouth, violet greedily eating the noises of your pleasure as she takes you up against the door.

you pull back for a few seconds to catch your breath, both of your eyes drifting to the thin trail of saliva connecting your lips together.

she can feel it, then. an almost electric charge that runs form her body into yours. you lean into her touch, arch into her further like you’re trying ot merge your bodies into one. when her other hand tightens around the pushed-up fabric of your dress and she gets that absolutely adorable scrunch between her eyebrows you know what she’s asking, and you gently nod your head.

and so she presses her lips back to yours, her crotch further into your ass, and rides you in the cramped nightclub storage closet. she's grateful that you seem to be enjoying it just as much as she is, her mind completely focused on getting closer and closer to her peak. she can feel it building quickly, a growing heat below her stomach reach to burst at any moment. all it takes is you, sucking on her tongue before mumbling muffled words into her mouth begging for her to finish against you. she cums with a stifled moan into your mouth, only amplified when she feels you shudder and go loose in the legs beneath her.

you’re both panting, sweaty, and tired as you stare at each other. it’s a comfortable silence as you help each other adjust - vi fixing your dress and you attempting to put her hair back in her signature style.

“so,” your voice lilts up as vi’s busy fixing her jacket, debating if she wants to take it off to cool down or not, knwoing she’ll probably just wrap it around your arms outside anyway. “you gonna admit it yet?”

she rolls her eyes, looking at you with an exasperated but fond look in her eyes that makes your stomach flip. “you just love being proven right, don’t you?”

“absolutely.”

“fine, you were right. are you happy?”

“very. now, let’s go home annnd maybe,” your fingers hook into the loops of her pants and tug her closer,”you can show me a little more just how much you need me, yeah?”

maybe, vi would show her neediness for you more often. just a little.

[00valentina-writes00]

I was hoping you could maybe do Ambessa with a reader that is a war prize from a nation she conquered. reader is just one of the most beautiful people Ambessas has seen but readers also vary cunning and Ambessa is vary intrigued by that aspect of them.

✞⛧ Spoils of war ✞⛧

Warnings: captivity, power imbalance, attempted assassination, emotional manipulation, psychological warfare, enemies to lovers, violence, coercion, smut eventually, drinking, mild humiliation, references to war and conquest, slow burn, moral ambiguity

Word count: 20k…

The air is thick with the scent of death.

Smoke curls from the wreckage of your homeland, the charred remains of once-proud buildings standing like skeletal husks against the smothered sky. The streets, once bustling with life, are silent now, save for the distant clang of armor and the murmur of foreign voices—Noxian voices. The banners of your people have been ripped down, trampled underfoot, and in their place, the crimson and black sigil of Noxus looms like a stain against the horizon.

Your wrists ache where the iron shackles bite into your skin. Each step is sluggish, dragged forward by the soldier gripping your arm, his gauntlet pressing too tightly against your flesh. You refuse to stumble, refuse to give them the satisfaction of seeing you weak. But your pride is a thin shield against the weight of defeat pressing against your chest.

You do not look at the bodies.

You do not search for familiar faces in the ruins.

To do so would break something inside you that you cannot afford to lose.

Instead, you focus on the path ahead, where a towering silhouette waits atop the cracked steps of what was once your people’s council chamber.

Ambessa Medarda.

She is a fortress of a woman, standing with the kind of poise that speaks of complete and utter control. Her rich umber skin gleams under the dull light, the faint sheen of sweat and battle dust only making her presence more commanding. Her short, dark waves frame an angular face lined with the faint traces of past wars—scars that tell stories you do not care to hear. But it is her eyes that unnerve you most. Deep, dark pools of calculation, honed from years of conquest, sharpened by victories carved from blood and bone.

She does not look at the burning remnants of your home.

She does not look at the soldiers behind you, waiting for orders.

She looks at you.

The soldier shoves you forward, and you fall to your knees before her. The stone is still warm beneath you, heat rising from where fire has licked the edges of the once-grand hall. You lift your chin, meeting her gaze with quiet defiance, though you make sure to keep your expression schooled, impassive.

Ambessa watches you, head tilting slightly, as if you are something to be examined rather than someone who has lost everything. Then, without a word, she crouches before you, one knee bending with the ease of someone accustomed to battle.

A leather-clad hand reaches for your chin, fingers rough with calluses and the unmistakable strength of a warrior. You expect her to grip you, to force your face upward, but she doesn’t. Instead, her fingers ghost along your skin, barely touching, the way one might trace the edge of a blade.

“Interesting,” she murmurs.

Her voice is smooth, measured—deep enough to carry the weight of command but deliberate enough that every syllable feels like a choice.

You say nothing, keeping your body still beneath her touch. Inside, rage coils hot in your gut. You want to wrench yourself away, to bare your teeth like a caged animal, to spit at her feet. But that is what she wants. She wants to see you break.

And so you do the only thing left within your power.

You let her touch you.

Ambessa’s thumb brushes over your lower lip, and something in her expression shifts—amusement, perhaps, or maybe curiosity. “Beauty is not uncommon,” she muses, her tone almost idle. “But beauty and cunning? That is rare.”

The compliment feels like an insult.

You keep your head bowed as if in submission, hiding the way your fingers curl into fists behind your back. Let her think you are compliant. Let her believe you have been tamed. It will make it all the sweeter when you find the moment to drive a dagger through her ribs.

Ambessa exhales, straightening to her full height. She looms over you, broad shoulders casting a shadow that seems to swallow you whole. “Rise,” she commands, and the soldiers flanking you tighten their grips, hauling you to your feet before you can obey on your own.

Your knees are unsteady, but you refuse to falter.

She studies you for another long moment, and then, with a simple flick of her wrist, she turns. “Bring her,” she says over her shoulder, already striding toward the waiting caravan. The soldiers do not hesitate, dragging you forward with the efficiency of men who have done this too many times before.

You take one last look at the ruins of your home before the heavy carriage doors shut behind you.

The road to Noxus begins, and with it, your plan for vengeance.

——

Your new prison is gilded.

The Medarda estate sprawls like a monument to wealth and power, its high walls crafted from dark stone, its halls adorned with intricate gold accents that catch the flickering candlelight. It is a stark contrast to the ruins of your homeland—where the architecture was built from the earth, woven with history and care. Here, everything feels cold, impersonal.

Your chambers are absurdly lavish. Silk sheets, a massive bed, intricately carved furniture. A vanity with imported perfumes, garments of the finest fabrics folded neatly in a chest at the foot of your bed. A life of comfort laid out before you, and yet the air is thick with suffocation.

Because no matter how soft the sheets are, you are still a prisoner.

A guard stands outside your door at all times, silent and watchful. You tested his discipline once—stepped too close, feigned interest in idle conversation. He remained unmoved, stoic as stone. It was clear from the beginning: you are not to be trusted, only tolerated.

And so you wait. You smile when necessary, bow your head where expected. But inside, you sharpen your hatred into a blade, biding your time for the moment when the warlord under whose roof you now reside will finally lower her guard.

Tonight, she invites you to dinner.

The dining hall is cavernous, its vaulted ceilings stretching impossibly high, lined with banners bearing the sigil of the Medarda family. The scent of rich, spiced dishes lingers in the air—decadent foods meant to impress, to tempt. A show of generosity, or perhaps dominance.

Ambessa sits at the head of the long table, one hand resting lazily against the carved armrest of her chair. Even in repose, she exudes authority—her broad shoulders squared, her dark gaze weighing you like an asset being appraised.

She watches as the servants set a plate before you. Roast meat, seasoned vegetables, freshly baked bread still warm from the oven.

You do not touch it.

A beat of silence.

Ambessa does not speak at first, merely observing as she cuts into her own meal with slow precision. The faint scrape of her knife against the plate is the only sound in the vast dining hall.

When she finally does break the silence, her voice is as measured as always, but edged with something sharper beneath the surface.

“Is the food not to your liking?”

You keep your posture composed, hands folded in your lap, eyes fixed on your untouched plate. “I am not hungry.”

The air shifts.

Ambessa sets down her utensils with deliberate care, leaning forward slightly. The candlelight casts deep shadows across her sharp features, accentuating the angular planes of her face, the silver streaks in her dark waves. She regards you with the kind of patience that feels like restraint, as if she is humoring you—for now.

“You haven’t eaten all day.”

You do not respond.

Ambessa exhales through her nose, a slow, measured breath, as if deciding how best to proceed. She picks up her goblet, taking a sip of deep red wine, and then places it back on the table with a deliberate clink.

Then she leans in further, her voice lowering to something smooth, dangerous.

“You will eat,” she murmurs, “or I will feed you myself.”

Her tone is not one of jest.

A flicker of unease coils in your stomach, but you do not let it show. Instead, you reach for your fork, cutting a small piece of meat, bringing it to your lips without breaking eye contact. The first bite is tasteless, swallowed down with the bitterness of submission.

Ambessa watches.

You chew slowly, deliberately, forcing yourself to meet her gaze without wavering.

Satisfied, she reclines back into her chair. “Good girl.”

The words send a spark of rage through you, but you tamp it down, gripping your fork tighter to keep your hand from shaking.

You eat, but only just enough to avoid another confrontation. Your silence remains unwavering, your defiance manifesting in the cool indifference with which you endure her presence.

Ambessa does not press you further. She simply continues eating at her own pace, as if nothing at all has transpired, as if this battle of wills is nothing more than an amusing diversion to her.

When the meal ends, you stand to leave.

Ambessa’s voice stops you before you reach the door.

“Tomorrow,” she says, swirling the remaining wine in her goblet, “you will dine with me again.”

It is not a request.

You do not turn around. You merely nod, then step out of the grand dining hall, the weight of her gaze pressing against your back like an iron collar.

The Medarda estate is a gilded prison.

And Ambessa Medarda is its warden.

——

Your charm is your best weapon.

It is a delicate thing, a blade honed not for brute force but for precision. You wield it carefully, carving at the edges of your captivity, testing the weaknesses in your cage.

Your guard is disciplined—stoic, unshakable. But he is also human.

You spend days planting seeds in his mind. Soft smiles. A careful tilt of your head, eyes cast downward in feigned vulnerability. You let your voice drop to something softer when you speak to him, something hesitant, like you are unused to kindness and grasping at any semblance of connection.

“I only wish to walk the halls,” you murmur one evening, fingers tracing the gilded edge of the vanity in your chambers. “I grow restless, trapped in here.”

He does not respond at first, merely watching with that same unreadable expression. You do not push. You let the words settle, an ember smoldering beneath the surface, waiting to ignite.

The next night, you ask for a book. He hesitates but obliges.

Two nights later, you ask for tea—specifically a blend that can only be fetched from the far end of the estate. A small thing, a simple request. He hesitates longer this time, but then he leaves.

And you move.

You slip from your chambers like a shadow, bare feet silent against the cold stone floors. The corridors are vast, the estate unfamiliar, but you have spent your captivity observing, memorizing. Servants move in patterns, guards patrol in shifts. You know when to wait, when to duck behind heavy curtains or press yourself into an alcove.

Your pulse pounds against your ribs as you reach the outer halls. The scent of open air is close now, the distant clang of the city beyond these walls a siren’s call to freedom.

You are almost there.

And then you feel it.

A presence.

A shift in the air, the sensation of being watched.

You stop.

And when you lift your gaze, she is there.

Ambessa Medarda stands at the threshold, arms crossed over her broad chest, expression unreadable. She is still clad in the remnants of her armor, the dark leather and reinforced metal gleaming in the torchlight. The posture of a warlord, not a noblewoman.

Her dark eyes sweep over you, slow and deliberate. Measuring.

You do not move.

For a long, breathless moment, the hall is silent.

Then—

“Cunning,” Ambessa murmurs. A tilt of her head, a flicker of something like amusement in her gaze. “But not cunning enough.”

You lunge.

It is instinct, desperation—an attempt to slip past her, to run before she can stop you.

But Ambessa is faster.

Her hand clamps around your wrist in an iron grip, yanking you back with effortless strength. You twist, trying to wrench free, but she moves too fluidly, too controlled. Before you can react, she has you turned, pressed against the stone wall, her body a solid force pinning you in place.

You grit your teeth, breathing hard, but Ambessa is maddeningly composed.

Her grip tightens—not enough to hurt, but enough to remind you of the disparity between your strength and hers. The heat of her presence is suffocating, her scent—leather, steel, something faintly spiced—invading your senses.

She leans in slightly, voice a quiet rumble.

“Did you truly think I would not anticipate this?”

You do not answer. Your pulse is a wild, frantic thing, your mind racing for another way out.

Ambessa hums, considering. And then, with infuriating ease, she releases you.

Not because you have won. Because she allows it.

She straightens, dusting off an invisible speck from her sleeve. “Come.”

You do not move.

Her gaze sharpens. “I will not repeat myself.”

Jaw clenched, you push away from the wall, fury burning in your chest as you follow her down the corridor.

She does not take you back to your chambers. She takes you to dinner.

The dining hall is as grand as ever, the table adorned with an elaborate feast, but you have no appetite.

Ambessa gestures for you to sit. You do not.

She merely raises a brow, settling into her chair with infuriating ease. She pours herself a goblet of wine, swirling it leisurely before taking a sip.

“You are persistent,” she muses. “I admire that.”

You remain standing, fists clenched. “Is that why I am still alive?”

Ambessa exhales a quiet chuckle, setting her goblet down. “In part.” She gestures to the chair again. “Sit.”

You do, if only to avoid another power play.

The silence stretches between you. She eats at a measured pace, entirely unconcerned by your simmering rage.

Eventually, she speaks again.

“You must understand something,” she says, cutting into her meal with precision. “I do not despise you. I do not seek to break you.”

You say nothing.

Ambessa glances at you then, eyes dark and knowing.

“I will tame you, however.”

Your fingers tighten around the stem of your goblet. “I am not a beast to be tamed.”

Ambessa smiles—slow, deliberate. “No.” A beat. “You are something far more interesting.”

You hate her.

You hate the way she speaks, the way she knows—as if she can see straight through you, as if she can reach into the depths of your defiance and shape it to her will.

You do not eat.

Ambessa does not force you this time. She merely watches, as if waiting, as if enjoying the fight you refuse to surrender.

When the meal ends, she stands.

She steps toward you, slow and deliberate, pausing just beside your chair. You remain still, refusing to look up at her.

Then—

A touch.

Faint, barely there—her fingers grazing the underside of your chin, tilting your face upward ever so slightly. Not forceful. Not demanding.

A test.

Your breath stills.

Ambessa’s voice is quieter now, the edge of command laced with something more dangerous.

“Try again, little fox.”

Then she leaves.

You remain seated long after she is gone, seething.

Plotting.

——

Your punishment is swift.

There is no shouting, no outburst of fury—only a simple decree.

Your quarters are revoked.

You are to stay in her chambers now.

It is not phrased as a reprimand but a practical solution. You are a flight risk, a creature too clever for the gilded cage she has set for you. If she cannot keep you contained with guards and locked doors, she will keep you within reach.

You do not argue.

Not because you accept your fate, but because you adapt.

Ambessa finds it amusing at first, how compliant you seem—how you follow without protest when she beckons, how you sit at the hearth while she reads, how you do not flinch at her presence the way so many others do.

But she is not a fool.

She knows the silence is a ruse, the stillness an illusion.

She is merely waiting.

And so are you.

Ambessa Medarda’s chambers are grand in a way that is uniquely hers—opulent yet efficient, reflecting both her noble lineage and her military discipline. The high ceilings bear intricate carvings, the deep red drapes framing the windows are embroidered with the sigil of the Medarda house. The bed is massive, built more like a commander’s resting place than a delicate noblewoman’s retreat. Dark wood, reinforced posts, sheets of the finest silk. It is a room designed for someone who has conquered.

And you loathe being here.

Every night, you sit at the far end of the chamber, watching.

Ambessa is methodical in everything she does. She removes her armor with practiced efficiency, unfastening buckles and leather straps with the ease of someone who has done this countless times. Her arms, bare in the firelight, are a testament to her power—corded muscle beneath smooth umber skin, scars decorating the surface like the marks of a seasoned warrior.

She sleeps without fear, without hesitation.

Like a lioness in her own den.

You wonder if she underestimates you.

If she believes that stripping you of distance, of space, will dull your edge.

It does not.

It only brings you closer to the moment you have been waiting for.

The knife is small, easily hidden.

You do not remember when you took it—perhaps a forgotten utensil from dinner, slipped beneath the folds of your sleeve. You have carried it for days, waiting for the perfect moment.

And now, it is here.

Ambessa sleeps soundly, one arm draped over her midsection, her breath deep and unhurried. She does not stir when you rise from your place by the hearth, moving silently across the floor.

You are careful. Measured.

A predator stalking another predator.

The blade is cool in your grip as you raise it, poised above her throat.

And then—

A hand.

Faster than you can react, her fingers snap around your wrist like a vice, yanking you forward with impossible strength.

You barely have time to gasp before she moves.

One shift of her body, one powerful roll, and you are suddenly beneath her, the air forced from your lungs as your back collides with the mattress.

Your wrist is pinned, the knife useless in your grasp.

Ambessa does not strike. She does not snarl or lash out.

She merely smirks.

“Finally,” she murmurs, voice husky from sleep. “I was wondering when you’d try.”

Her grip on your wrist tightens just slightly—not painful, but unyielding. Her weight is a solid, inescapable thing, her body warm where it presses against yours. You struggle, twisting beneath her, but it is pointless.

Ambessa allows you your fight, drinking it in with the same quiet amusement she always wears.

She leans in, her breath ghosting against your cheek.

“You’ve been so patient,” she muses, her voice a purr of satisfaction. “I almost believed you had given up.”

You grit your teeth. “I don’t give up.”

Her smirk widens.

“Good.”

She releases your wrist slowly, letting the knife clatter onto the sheets between you. The test is clear—will you reach for it? Will you try again?

You do not.

Not yet.

Instead, you hold her gaze, your breath unsteady, your body thrumming with the remnants of adrenaline.

Ambessa studies you, eyes dark and knowing.

Then, with infuriating ease, she shifts off of you, reclaiming her side of the bed as if nothing had happened at all.

You remain where you are, staring at the ceiling.

“You’re improving,” she says idly, as though critiquing a sparring match rather than an assassination attempt. “But you’re still too hesitant.”

You want to scream.

Instead, you reach for the knife beside you, turning it in your hands.

Ambessa watches, her expression unreadable.

Then, with a lazy stretch, she settles back into the pillows.

“Try again tomorrow.”

She closes her eyes.

And you, blade in hand, realize the truth of the matter.

You are not hunting Ambessa Medarda.

You are being trained.

——

You have tried everything.

Escape, deception, violence.

And each time, Ambessa Medarda has caught you like a lioness catching a fox—amused, unimpressed, always a step ahead.

So you try a different tactic.

Temptation.

Ambessa’s study is a place of strategy and control. The massive oak desk is littered with maps, war reports, and diplomatic letters, each piece of parchment carrying the weight of nations. The air smells of parchment and ink, mingled with the faint scent of polished leather and the subtle spice of her skin.

She sits at the desk now, posture commanding even in stillness. The firelight catches on the silver streaks in her dark hair, illuminating the sharp angles of her face. Her sleeves are rolled up, revealing the powerful lines of her forearms, the scars that tell stories of past battles.

She does not look up when you enter.

You take your time approaching, letting your movements flow with deliberate ease. There is no defiance in your stride now—no resistance, no sharp edges.

Only silk.

You lean against the edge of her desk, close enough that the space between you becomes intimate, charged. Your fingers drift lightly over the parchment beneath them, tracing idle patterns over war maps and written commands.

“Long day?” you murmur, your voice smooth, honeyed.

Ambessa does not answer immediately. Her quill stills, ink pooling at the tip. Then, finally, she looks at you.

That gaze is sharp as ever, piercing through layers of intent with an ease that makes your pulse stutter. But beneath the scrutiny, there is something else. A flicker of something unreadable in the way her eyes drop—to your mouth, to the slope of your throat.

You smile.

Just slightly.

Baiting.

“It must be exhausting,” you continue, tilting your head. “Carrying the weight of so many battles, so many decisions.” You let your fingers trail closer to hers, a ghost of a touch, deliberate in its near-miss. “You could let someone else ease that burden… just for a while.”

The silence stretches.

Then—

Ambessa exhales a quiet chuckle.

It is not soft. Not kind.

It is the sound of amusement sharpened into a blade, the sound of a predator humoring its prey before the inevitable lunge.

She leans back in her chair, crossing one leg over the other, and regards you with an expression that is almost pitying.

“Did you really think that would work?”

The words cut deeper than any sword.

Heat flares beneath your skin, a mix of embarrassment and something dangerously close to fury. Your fingers curl against the desk, nails pressing into the wood.

Ambessa sees it. Of course, she does.

Her smirk deepens.

“Bold,” she muses, eyes flickering over you with the same calculating weight she gives to battle formations and enemy weaknesses. “Clever, even. But predictable.”

She shifts forward suddenly, bracing an arm against the desk beside you. The movement is effortless, precise, forcing you to remain where you are or risk betraying your own intent.

The scent of her—spiced warmth, iron, leather—coils around you, a reminder of the sheer presence she commands.

Her voice drops, low and indulgent.

“You’re not the first to try and seduce me, little fox.”

Your breath catches.

Her fingers brush your jaw, deceptively gentle, as if testing the shape of your resolve.

“Do you know the difference between them and you?” she murmurs.

You refuse to answer.

Her thumb presses, tilting your chin up just slightly. “They meant it.”

The words strike like a slap.

Heat floods your face, your stomach twisting in a way you refuse to name. You force yourself to hold her gaze, to keep your expression carefully neutral, but the weight of her scrutiny makes it difficult to breathe.

Ambessa lingers a second longer, her touch more a display of dominance than tenderness.

Then, just as effortlessly, she releases you and leans back once more.

“Try again, if you like,” she says, already returning to her reports. “But next time, at least believe your own performance.”

You stand there, pulse hammering, frustration burning through you.

And for the first time, you wonder if it was truly her who fell into your trap—

Or if it was you who fell into hers.

——

The air in Noxus is thick—heavy with the scent of iron and industry, of sweat and ambition. The streets are not like the ones you once knew, the ones you once walked barefoot as a child, where the earth was warm beneath your feet and the air carried the scent of blooming flowers instead of forge smoke.

For the first time, Ambessa takes you outside.

Not as a prisoner. Not as a hostage.

As something else.

Perhaps she wishes to parade you through the streets, a demonstration of her victory. Perhaps she means to test you, to watch how you react when confronted with the weight of all that has been taken from you.

Or perhaps, this is another game—one whose rules you have yet to decipher.

Ambessa walks beside you, her presence as unshakable as the towering walls of Noxus itself. Even without her armor, she commands attention. The people who pass by—soldiers, merchants, nobles draped in Noxian red—either avert their gazes or offer stiff nods of respect.

She acknowledges them with little more than a glance, her dark eyes constantly moving, always assessing.

You wonder if she ever truly stops watching.

Your steps falter as you pass through an open plaza, the sound of haggling merchants a distant murmur beneath the steady drum of your own heartbeat.

And there it is.

A stall, tucked between weaponsmiths and armorers, bearing the remnants of your homeland.

Your breath catches.

Fabrics woven with the colors of your people’s past—muted now, dulled with time, but still unmistakable. Small trinkets, charms meant to be worn around the wrist or tucked beneath one’s collar for protection. You recognize the craftsmanship, the delicate carvings that once held meaning.

Once.

Your fingers twitch at your sides.

Before you realize what you are doing, you reach out, brushing your fingertips over one of the charms. The stall keeper, an older woman with sharp eyes, watches you with vague interest. She does not recognize you.

Why would she?

Your people are dust beneath Noxian boots.

Ambessa has not spoken, but you feel her watching. You straighten, tearing your hand away from the display. The stall keeper names a price, but you do not respond.

What would be the point?

What is a trinket compared to everything that has been lost?

You turn sharply, moving away from the stall and deeper into the city. You do not know where you are going, only that you need to move.

Ambessa follows.

She does not stop you.

Not yet.

You stop at the edge of a high balcony, overlooking the lower districts of Noxus. The city sprawls before you, a mass of stone and steel, of towering spires and smoke-stained rooftops. The wind carries the distant sound of marching boots, of metal striking metal in training grounds far below.

Your homeland was nothing like this.

You fold your arms over your chest, your nails pressing into your skin as you take a slow breath.

“My people thrived before Noxus came,” you say. Your voice is steady, but there is something beneath it. Something sharp. Something raw.

Ambessa stands beside you, silent.

You do not look at her.

“We were not weak,” you continue. “We were not starving, not desperate for conquest. We did not believe strength was something that had to be taken from others.” You tilt your head slightly, your gaze cutting toward her. “But I suppose that made us easy prey.”

Ambessa exhales, a slow, measured sound. “Conquest is not personal,” she says. “It is inevitable.”

The words are expected, but they still carve through you.

Inevitable.

As if the blood in your streets had been a matter of course. As if the ruin of your home had been nothing more than another step in the ever-forward march of Noxian ambition.

You shake your head. “I suppose you tell yourself that to make it easier.”

Ambessa does not respond immediately. When she does, her voice is lower, quieter.

“I have seen what happens to those who do not fight for their survival.”

You turn to her fully now, your breath hitching at the sight of her face.

There is something unreadable in her expression.

Not indifference. Not amusement.

Something else.

Guilt? Reflection?

You do not know, but you hate the flicker of humanity in her eyes.

Because if there is even a shred of regret buried beneath all that power, all that ruthless pragmatism-

Then she has no excuse.

Then she knew what she was doing.

And she did it anyway.

Your throat tightens. You clench your fists at your sides, feeling the tremble in your fingers.

“You destroyed everything,” you whisper, the words unsteady, but no less sharp. “Everything we were. And now—” You gesture at the city before you, at the unrelenting force of Noxian rule. “Now, you expect me to simply accept that?”

Ambessa’s gaze does not waver. “I expect you to survive.”

It is not an apology.

Of course, it isn’t.

Ambessa Medarda does not deal in apologies.

She does not flinch at the weight of your grief, does not bend beneath the fire in your voice.

But she does not look away.

And for a moment—a brief, flickering moment—you wonder if she sees the ghost of your home in your eyes.

——

You wake to the sound of your own breathing, shallow and uneven in the silence of the chamber. The room is dark, the heavy drapes drawn to keep out the city lights, but the moon still finds its way in, silver streaks pooling over the silk sheets, over your skin—over hers.

Ambessa lies beside you.

For a moment, you forget why you are awake. The air is still, the walls thick enough to smother even the distant sounds of Noxian life. There is no disturbance. No reason for the sharp awareness clawing at the edges of your mind.

Except her.

You shift carefully, turning onto your side to face her. The sheets shift with you, slipping lower over her bare shoulders, revealing the broad plane of her back. Even at rest, she is formidable. The moonlight carves shadows over the defined ridges of muscle, the deep scars that slash across her skin like forgotten battle maps.

You have studied her before. In meetings, in hallways, across war tables laden with strategies and casualties. But never like this.

Never when she was unaware.

Never when she was vulnerable.

The thought sends something sharp through your chest. A reminder.

You could kill her.

The dagger is within reach—tucked beneath your pillow, where you placed it out of habit, out of self-preservation. It would take little effort to slip it between her ribs, to find the heart of the woman who ruined your world.

It is not the first time you have thought of it.

It is not the first time you have had the opportunity.

Yet you do not move.

Instead, you watch.

Her breathing is deep and steady, the slow rise and fall of a body unafraid. Even in sleep, she is controlled, her posture at ease but never slack, never truly defenseless.

Her face is turned slightly toward you, half-hidden in the darkness.

She looks different like this.

The sharp lines of her features are softened in sleep, the tension that usually settles between her brows absent. Her mouth, always curled into something—whether a smirk, a frown, a calculated pause—is relaxed.

Peaceful.

The word unsettles you.

Ambessa Medarda is a warlord. A conqueror. The architect of your ruin.

She should not be capable of peace.

And yet, here she is, lying beside you in the quiet of the night, exhaling slow, even breaths. As if she is simply a woman. As if she does not carry blood on her hands.

Your throat tightens.

You do not know how long you watch her. Minutes stretch into something longer, something heavier.

Your fingers twitch at your side.

If you were braver, you might reach out—trace the scars that mark her back, press your fingertips to the history written in her skin. You have wondered before what battles left them, whether they were hard-won or unexpected. Whether she wears them as reminders or burdens.

If you were braver, you might press your palm to the space over her heart, just to feel it beat.

Just to remind yourself that she is real.

But you are not that brave.

So you stay where you are.

Silent.

Still.

Watching.

And when the first hints of dawn begin to slip through the curtains, bleeding warmth into the cold night, you close your eyes.

And pretend you were never awake.

——

Ambessa stands before you, her posture unyielding as always, her gaze sharp, calculating. In her hands, a velvet-wrapped bundle—soft, luxurious, nearly too soft to belong in this chamber of stone and iron. She places it on the table before you, her movements precise. It is a gift, a gesture that you both know to be more than mere courtesy.

“I trust you’ll find it to your liking.” Her voice is calm, though beneath it hums an undercurrent of something else—something that isn’t quite patience. The gift, wrapped so carefully, is a stark contrast to the way she handles most things in her life: commanding, ruthless, forceful. She’s not accustomed to presenting things so tenderly, but here she is, offering something meant to please.

You stare at the bundle, a slight tremor in your fingertips. It is, in a way, her way of bending—of offering something to you, something fragile, an unspoken hope that perhaps you will let her in. But you do not take it. You cannot. Not yet.

Ambessa’s eyes flicker to your face, studying you with that disconcerting intensity that always makes you feel as though she is dissecting every thought, every emotion behind your words.

“Will you not even look?” she asks, her voice softer now, though still carrying that edge of authority. The words are laced with frustration, a frustration that you’ve grown accustomed to. Ambessa does not deal well with rejection.

You glance at her, meeting her eyes for a brief moment before dropping your gaze to the velvet bundle. It calls to you, in a way, and yet you cannot bring yourself to touch it. To accept it.

“I’ve never asked for your gifts,” you reply, your voice steady, but inside, you can feel the tug of something you cannot name. You know she is trying to buy your favor, to make you see her in a different light. But you will not let her. Not this way.

Ambessa’s jaw tightens, just the slightest hint of irritation flickering across her face. But she does not lash out. She’s too controlled for that, too calculated. Instead, she stands a little straighter, her gaze piercing as she watches you.

“You are stubborn,” she mutters, though there’s a trace of something else—something softer—beneath her words. You would not dare to call it vulnerability, but it is something close. It’s the only time you’ve heard her speak with any kind of crack in her usual unwavering exterior.

Her gaze lingers on you, sharp and penetrating, but there’s a tension in her body that tells you she is on the edge of something—something she doesn’t quite know how to express. Her hand twitches at her side, as if she’s fighting the urge to reach out, to touch you, to force you to take what she’s offering.

The silence between you grows thick, like the air before a storm, heavy with the weight of unsaid things. Finally, Ambessa sighs, though it’s a sound of resignation, not defeat.

“Why do you resist so fiercely?” she asks, her voice lowering, a rawness seeping in that catches you off guard. It is not a question you’ve ever thought to ask yourself. Why do you resist her gifts? Why do you refuse the pieces of her that she offers so freely?

You are not sure.

Perhaps you are afraid that by accepting them, you are accepting her—accepting the power she holds over you, the way she controls everything around her, including you. Perhaps, deep down, you are afraid of what that might mean.

Ambessa steps closer, her boots quiet on the stone floor. She’s a force of nature, an immovable object that looms in your space, both intimidating and intoxicating. Her presence is magnetic, like gravity pulling you toward her whether you wish it or not.

“You think I do this for power,” she says, her voice rough, but her words are not accusatory. “But you are wrong. I do this for you.”

You look up at her, surprise flickering in your chest, and for the first time, you let yourself truly meet her gaze. Her eyes—dark, intense, searching—hold yours with a force that nearly knocks the breath from your lungs.

“For me?” you repeat, your voice barely above a whisper. You cannot fathom it. Ambessa Medarda, the warlord who has torn through lands, who has crushed kingdoms and nations beneath her heel, doing anything for you. It does not make sense.

She doesn’t answer immediately. Instead, her gaze softens, just a fraction, the corners of her mouth pulling into something that might almost be a smile—if you didn’t know better. It’s not kindness, though. It’s something far more complicated than that.

“It is not about power, not entirely,” she murmurs, her voice almost vulnerable in the way she says it. “It is about connection. About something real, something beyond alliances and politics.”

Her words hang in the air, and you find yourself at a loss for how to respond. Ambessa, for all her strength and ruthlessness, is offering you something that she does not know how to give.

She steps back slightly, giving you room to breathe, but you can still feel her presence heavy in the space between you. The air hums with unspoken tension, and you can feel the weight of her eyes on you, waiting, hoping for a sign that you will take what she has given.

You reach out, fingers trembling, and your hand hovers over the velvet-wrapped bundle. It feels like a choice—one you didn’t expect to make, one that you’re not sure you’re ready for. The touch of the fabric beneath your fingertips sends a shiver down your spine.

Ambessa watches you silently, her breath steady, as though she, too, is waiting for your decision.

You close your fingers around the soft velvet, and for a moment, you think you might actually hold it. But then you stop.

Your heart pounds in your chest, a frantic rhythm that drowns out all other thoughts. You want to take it. You want to give her something—anything—something to show her that you see her, that you understand the offering. But the weight of it, of the significance of it, threatens to crush you.

Ambessa is everything. Everything that is powerful, dangerous, untouchable. She is a warlord who has conquered kingdoms, not with an army alone, but with her mind, her force of will. And now she is offering you something.

Something of her.

And you cannot take it. Not yet.

You force yourself to let go of the bundle.

“I cannot accept it,” you say, your voice quiet but firm. “Not yet.”

Her gaze hardens, the warmth fading from her eyes as her walls come back up. It’s the same wall she’s built over the years—guarded, impenetrable. She takes a step back, though her gaze never leaves yours.

“I see,” she says, her voice cold again, though there’s a faint tremor in it, something that she quickly covers with her usual authority. “Perhaps you never will.”

Her words sting more than you expected, and you can feel the weight of them settle deep inside your chest. But you do not flinch.

Instead, you stand your ground, watching as she turns away, the soft rustle of her armor the only sound in the room.

She leaves you with the gift.

And you are left alone with the choice you’ve made.

——

The world spins as you drink, the glass slipping from your fingers and splashing across the table. You feel the burn in your throat, the warmth spreading like wildfire through your chest. There’s something exhilarating about the haze that follows, the way it dulls the sharp edges of everything you hate, everything you cannot escape.

Ambessa is here, as she always is. Always looming, always commanding, never out of reach. She watches you, but you don’t care. The room is warm and dimly lit, the flickering candlelight casting long shadows that seem to stretch for miles. The air smells of smoke, of alcohol, of defeat. You should leave. You should walk out and take whatever shred of dignity you have left.

But instead, you take another drink.

The glass is almost empty now, the dark liquid swirling in the dim light. You stare at it, and for a moment, it feels like your entire world is contained in that small, fragile vessel. Then, with a reckless laugh, you stand.

“You’re a monster,” you hiss, your words slurring, but the venom is still there, sharp and bitter. “A brute. A tyrant.”

Ambessa doesn’t move. She sits across from you, her back straight, her eyes never leaving you. Her silence is maddening—she doesn’t rise to the bait. She’s used to being insulted, to being hated. You can see it in the way she holds herself, in the quiet certainty with which she waits for you to finish.

You take another step forward, the room tilting dangerously as you approach her. The fury inside you is a fire now, consuming you, driving you to the edge. You hate her. You hate everything she stands for—the blood on her hands, the lives she’s ruined, the way she dismantled everything you held dear.

“Do you even care?” you ask, though the words barely escape your lips. “Do you understand what you’ve done? The destruction you’ve caused?”

Her eyes are cold—always cold—but there’s a flicker of something behind them, something deeper, something you can’t quite reach. You stumble toward her, your hand raised before you even realize it. The slap is loud in the quiet room, a crack that echoes through the air.

Ambessa doesn’t flinch.

You don’t expect her to. You never did.

For a moment, you stand there, chest heaving, breathing heavily, your pulse racing with the aftermath of your own actions. The anger doesn’t subside—it only grows, swelling within you like a storm. You want her to respond, to hit you back, to do something that will justify what you’ve done. But she doesn’t. She simply watches you, her face as unreadable as ever.

You’re waiting for her to speak, for the rage to explode between you both. But instead, she remains still, her gaze fixed on you with that strange intensity that makes your skin prickle.

“You think I don’t understand?” Her voice finally breaks through the silence, smooth but heavy, like the weight of a stone being dropped into water.

You sneer, barely able to hold your composure. “You’ll never understand. You’re too far gone, Ambessa. A monster like you could never understand what it’s like to lose everything.”

She doesn’t rise, doesn’t even move. She remains in her chair, her hands resting on the table, fingers long and strong, the veins visible beneath her dark skin. But there’s something in her gaze now, something that almost makes you hesitate.

“You’re right,” she says, her voice low, and for the first time, it lacks that edge of cold command. It’s not sympathy, not even close. It’s something more dangerous. “I don’t understand what it feels like to lose everything. Because I never had the luxury of losing.”

The words hang between you like a thick fog, and for the first time, you feel a stir of something other than rage. But you quickly suppress it, the fury returning with a vengeance. You can’t let her get to you. Not now.

“You’ve never had to fight for anything!” you shout, the words spilling out before you can stop them. “You just took it. Took everything I had. My people, my home, my family!”

Her lips press together, but she doesn’t interrupt. She listens, her gaze unwavering, sharp like a blade. She’s unyielding, unbothered by the accusations, and it only feeds the fire inside you. You want to hurt her, to make her feel what you’re feeling, to make her understand the cost of her ambition.

But when she speaks again, it isn’t with anger. It isn’t with resentment. It’s matter-of-fact, detached, and it cuts deeper than any insult or slap ever could.

“Because they weren’t strong enough.”

Your breath catches in your throat. “What?”

Ambessa rises slowly, the movement effortless, as though she is a predator sizing up its prey. The power in her is palpable, filling the space between you. She is an immovable force, towering over you, a figure carved from stone. Her eyes are intense now, more than they’ve ever been, as she takes a step forward.

“They weren’t strong enough to survive. So I did what I had to do.” Her words are cold, methodical. “I took what I wanted because no one else had the strength to protect it.”

You feel your heart race, but it’s not just anger now. It’s something darker. Something more primal. You want to shout, to scream at her, but her words settle deep inside you, clawing at something you can’t ignore.

“You destroyed everything,” you breathe, your voice shaking, the alcohol no longer enough to drown out the seething emotions. “You destroyed my home, my people… you think you did it for what? Power? Glory? To satisfy some sick craving?”

Ambessa doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t flinch when you yell at her. She doesn’t even blink when your accusations hang heavy in the air. She stares at you, eyes unwavering, as if daring you to push her further.

“You don’t understand the world I live in,” she says quietly. “The world where strength is all that matters. Where compassion is a weakness, and mercy is a luxury you can’t afford.”

Her voice carries the weight of years spent in battle, of watching the lives of others crumble at her feet. There is no remorse in her tone—only the bitter truth of a world that has shaped her into the woman she is.

You stand there, stunned, unsure of how to respond. Her justification—it doesn’t make it right, but for the first time, you can almost see things from her perspective. It doesn’t excuse what she did. It doesn’t make her any less of a monster. But it is the reality she has lived in.

“You don’t get to justify it,” you mutter, but your voice is quieter now, the anger still bubbling beneath the surface, but not as fiercely. “You can’t just take everything and call it survival.”

Ambessa steps closer, and for a moment, you feel the urge to step back. But you don’t. You stand your ground, even though every instinct tells you to flee. Her presence is suffocating, like a storm that’s about to break.

She leans in, close enough that you can feel the heat radiating off her. You can see the scars that line her jaw, the remnants of battles fought and won. Her lips are parted, and you can hear her breath, steady and controlled.

“I never asked for your approval,” she says, voice soft now, but still carrying the weight of a thousand battles. “I never needed it. What I did, I did because I had to. And when you learn to live in a world like that, you stop caring about what people think.”

She pauses, her eyes locking with yours, and for a moment, it feels like the world has stopped spinning.

“And you will understand that someday,” she says, her words laced with a strange finality. “Because survival—true survival—isn’t about mercy. It’s about taking what you need and never looking back.”

Her words land with a heavy thud, and you find yourself at a loss for how to respond. There is nothing left to say. Nothing that could change what she’s done, or what she believes.

And so, you stand there, with nothing left but the aftermath of the fight, the rage simmering beneath your skin, and the cold, empty truth of her words echoing in your mind.

——

The world around you is a blur, a smudged canvas of dull light and muffled sounds. Your head is pounding, the ache spreading behind your eyes like a tightening vise. You can’t remember when you last slept, or when the wine had ceased to be a comfort. The bitterness of yesterday lingers in your mouth, the taste of defeat and fury mixing with the sourness in the pit of your stomach.

The groan that escapes your lips is involuntary, a pitiful sound that makes you wish for a quick escape, but there is no respite. You lie there for a moment, cradling your head in your hands, willing the pain to subside, but it only gets worse. The room around you is still dim, the sunlight barely creeping through the thick curtains. You’d almost rather not face it—let the darkness take you back, if only for a few more moments of oblivion.

Then there’s a soft sound—a light tapping at the door.

Before you can protest, the door creaks open, and Ambessa steps into the room. The sight of her makes you want to crawl under the bed and disappear. You’ve spent the night in this lavish suite, the weight of your words and actions still clinging to you. How could you have let it get this far? How could you have let her provoke you like that, let her win?

Her presence in the doorway is immediate and overwhelming. She stands there with all the grace and command she exudes, her posture straight and imposing, her muscles rippling beneath the tailored garments she wears even in the morning. Her armor is nowhere in sight, but the way she carries herself—every inch of her speaks to power, to control. The faint silver streaks in her hair catch the low light as she moves, the sleek waves falling perfectly in place as she steps forward. Her eyes, dark and calculating, seem to pierce you from across the room.

She’s studying you, the sharpness of her gaze making you feel like you’re under some sort of intense scrutiny. It’s unnerving.

“You look like death,” she says, her voice low, but there’s no sympathy in it—only a cold observation, as if the state of your body is an irrelevant detail.

You raise a hand to your forehead, trying to block out the light. “Thanks,” you mutter bitterly, your voice hoarse from the alcohol. You try to push yourself up, but your body protests. The effort is too much. Your stomach churns in warning, and you barely hold back a groan as you collapse back against the pillows.

Ambessa watches you for a moment longer, her eyes gleaming with a knowing amusement. She steps closer, the sound of her boots clicking sharply against the floor. You feel her presence like a weight on your chest, suffocating you, but you resist the urge to flinch.

Without a word, she reaches out, placing a glass of water and a small bottle of pills on the nightstand beside you. The gesture is unexpected, and for a moment, it catches you off guard.

“Painkillers,” she says, her tone as direct as ever. “You’ll need them.”

You hesitate for a moment, staring at the water as if it might bite you. You want to refuse—want to reject anything that feels like a kindness from her. After everything that happened last night, the last thing you want to do is accept anything from her. But the relentless pounding in your head is too much, and the promise of relief is tempting. You reach for the glass, ignoring her as you gulp down the water in one go, the coolness soothing your throat, though the ache in your skull remains.

As you swallow the pills, Ambessa’s gaze never leaves you. She’s standing beside the bed now, her presence undeniable, looming over you like an unspoken threat.

“Don’t mistake this for anything other than what it is,” she says, her voice cutting through the silence. Her words are not harsh, but they hold weight—an unspoken command that makes your stomach tighten.

You turn your head slowly, meeting her eyes. “I wasn’t planning to,” you reply, the bitterness still laced in your tone. You’re too tired to keep up the act of defiance, but you refuse to back down, not even to her.

Ambessa smirks at your response, and something about it makes your chest tighten. The smirk is both mocking and knowing—like she’s seen it all before, like she can predict every word that will come out of your mouth before you say it.

She sits down on the edge of the bed, her weight pressing the mattress down slightly as she leans back, her posture effortlessly commanding. She watches you with those sharp eyes, as if studying you, dissecting your every move. The contrast between her casual demeanor and your vulnerable state only makes you feel smaller.

“You’re proud,” she says softly, almost contemplative. “Stubborn, too. It’s one of the things I admire about you. But it’s also the thing that will get you killed.”

You grit your teeth, pushing yourself up slightly to glare at her, but the action only makes your headache worse. The scowl that twists your face is half-hearted at best, but you can’t help it.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” you retort, your words slurring a little.

She raises an eyebrow, as if amused by your defiance. There’s a flicker of something in her gaze—something that almost resembles respect, but it’s fleeting.

“I’m not here to lecture you,” she says, her voice softening ever so slightly. “But you should know that when you fight, you don’t just fight with your fists. You fight with your mind, with your strategy. Last night,” she pauses, her gaze locking onto yours, “you failed. You let your emotions take control.”

The words sting, and despite your best efforts, you feel your chest tighten in frustration. You wanted to believe you could hold your own against her, that you could be something more than just another pawn in her game. But she’s right. The rage, the hurt, it all got the better of you.

“I didn’t fail,” you snap, though you can feel the weakness in your voice. “I fought because I had to.”

Ambessa looks at you for a long moment, her eyes never leaving yours. Her gaze is intense, like she’s reading the very depths of your soul, and the weight of it presses down on you, making it harder to breathe.

“You fought because you’re proud,” she says quietly, almost too quietly for you to hear. “Pride is a dangerous thing, especially when you don’t have the strength to back it up.”

Her words cut through you, sharper than any blade. You want to snap back, to retort, but the truth of what she says gnaws at you. You did let pride control you. You let it cloud your judgment, and now you’re here, weak and vulnerable, in the presence of the woman who’s won.

For a moment, you both sit in silence, the tension thick in the room. You want to say something, anything, to break the quiet. But Ambessa doesn’t speak, doesn’t move. She just watches you, her eyes unwavering.

Finally, you sigh, your frustration morphing into something else—something quieter, something more accepting. You rub your temples, the painkillers starting to kick in.

“Fine,” you mutter, voice hoarse. “Maybe you’re right. But that doesn’t mean I’m warming up to you.”

Ambessa chuckles softly at your words, her smirk widening. “Oh, I didn’t expect you to.” Her voice is a low, amused murmur. “But I don’t need your warmth. Not today.”

She stands up, her height making her presence even more imposing as she towers over you. Her movements are graceful, deliberate, every inch of her seeming to radiate power.

“Rest,” she says, turning toward the door. “We’ll have time to talk later. When you’re less… inconvenient.”

You grit your teeth at her dismissive tone, but as she leaves the room, you can’t help but notice the lingering feeling that, despite everything, you’re not quite as alone as you were before. Ambessa is not done with you—not by a long shot.

——

The room is thick with the remnants of old tensions, the air still charged with the unspoken words that linger between you and Ambessa. But tonight is different. There’s a quietness here, a fragile calm that neither of you seem willing to disturb.

The sounds of the world outside are distant, muffled by the thick stone walls of the room. The evening sun, though fierce in its descent, doesn’t manage to pierce through the heavy curtains, casting the room in a dim, almost serene light. You sit, tense, on the edge of a plush chair, your fingers drumming against the armrest, betraying the restlessness you feel deep inside.

Ambessa, on the other hand, is still. She sits across from you, her posture perfect as always—her back straight, her legs crossed with an ease that suggests comfort in control. She is an image of grace, her commanding presence filling the space in ways you could never escape. Her muscular frame is clad in the soft, simple fabric of a loose tunic, its deep red hue catching the low light of the room. There’s no armor tonight, no metal to shine, just her.

Her eyes flicker toward you, calculating, as they always are. There’s a slight furrow in her brow, a sign of something deeper, though she remains composed. She regards you for a moment, as if trying to measure the atmosphere, or perhaps you—another one of her intricate strategies.

You have learned, over these past few weeks of quiet resistance, that she is a woman of few surprises. Everything she does is a calculated maneuver, every move purposeful, every word laced with hidden meaning. Yet tonight, she seems different. The sharp edge of her usual demeanor is dulled, like a sword worn smooth by years of use.

And then, unexpectedly, she speaks.

“What’s your favorite flower?”

The question is simple, even mundane. It’s not a question one would expect from someone like her. Ambessa Medarda—warlord, tactician, and ruler of Noxus—asking about flowers? It’s a moment of strange vulnerability, as though she’s somehow stepping out of the rigid structure of who she is supposed to be, if only for a moment.

You blink at her, taken aback. There’s no sarcasm in her voice, no edge of mockery. She isn’t toying with you. It’s almost like she’s… curious.

For a moment, you say nothing, your mind racing to comprehend why she would ask such a thing. But there’s no malice in her gaze, no trap waiting to snap shut. She’s simply looking at you—waiting, maybe.

You exhale slowly, leaning back in the chair. “Tulips,” you say without thinking. The answer comes easily, a small part of you surprised by how quickly it emerges. “I don’t know why. They’re… simple. Elegant.”

Ambessa nods once, her lips curving slightly in acknowledgment of your response. She tilts her head slightly, her silver-streaked hair catching the light in a way that seems almost ethereal against her dark skin. Her eyes glint as they meet yours, though this time, the intensity behind them is tempered. The sharpness has softened, just a fraction.

“You’re a contradiction,” she muses, her voice quiet, contemplative. “Strong, yet soft. Resilient, yet…” Her eyes narrow ever so slightly. “Vulnerable.”

You bristle at the word, the vulnerability you’ve spent so much time hiding from her now laid bare in a single syllable. But you don’t fight it—not tonight. You don’t have the energy for it. The past few weeks have drained you, left you weary of the constant battle between you, left you questioning the walls you’ve built between you both.

And yet, in this moment, there’s a strange sort of peace. No accusations, no insults. Just the weight of the silence, the comfort of being seen, even in such an unexpected way.

“What’s your favorite flower?” you ask, voice low, almost hesitant, as if testing the waters of this delicate truce.

Ambessa seems unfazed by your question, her lips curling upward again as she considers it. “Lilies,” she says simply, her tone thoughtful, almost distant. “I think… they are strong. Pure. They don’t need to shout to be noticed. They simply are.”

You can see it in the way she speaks—how carefully she chooses her words. How every part of her seems to be crafted to give the least away while still saying so much. There’s a quiet strength in her, a quiet understanding that leaves you with more questions than answers.

And there it is—the first crack in the wall between you.

It’s small. It’s subtle. But it’s real.

The brief pause that follows feels heavier than any silence you’ve shared in this room before. The words you haven’t spoken hang between you like an unspoken agreement, neither of you willing to break it first.

But something shifts, just a fraction. The animosity, the tension—it’s still there, simmering beneath the surface, but there’s an understanding now. A quiet recognition that this moment, this brief interaction, is something different.

Ambessa leans back in her chair, her body language relaxed, though you know better than to mistake it for vulnerability. She’s still a force to be reckoned with, her mind sharp and calculating, but there’s something in the air tonight that you can’t ignore.

“You’re not like I thought you were,” you say before you can stop yourself. The words leave your mouth without permission, and once they’re out, you can’t take them back. But there’s no turning back now. You can only wait for her reaction.

For a long moment, she says nothing. She just watches you, her dark eyes reflecting a thousand thoughts behind them, her lips twitching at the edges in a way that almost looks like amusement.

“Tell me, then,” she says, her voice soft but firm, as if urging you to continue. “What did you think of me?”

You hesitate. You should have kept your mouth shut. But the question is too real, too raw to dismiss.

“I think you are a monster,” you admit, your voice thick with the honesty of the moment. “A tyrant. Someone who thrives on power, on control. Someone who would crush anyone in her way without hesitation.”

There’s a flicker of something in her gaze—something almost akin to approval, though it disappears as quickly as it came. Ambessa’s eyes are sharp, calculating, but there’s a subtle shift in the air around you, a quiet acknowledgment that you’ve said the truth.

“I am those things,” she agrees, her voice low, almost too soft for you to hear. “But I’m also more than that.”

The words hang in the air, thick and heavy, and you find yourself searching her face for any sign of deception. But there’s nothing. Just the quiet intensity of her gaze, the subtle strength that radiates from her like an invisible force.

You don’t know what to say to that, don’t know how to respond to this softer side of her that you’ve never seen before. You’ve only known her as the warlord, the strategist, the woman who built her empire on the backs of the broken. But tonight, for the first time, she feels more human.

It’s unnerving. It’s confusing. And it makes you question everything you thought you knew about her.

“You’re not what I expected,” you continued finally, your voice quieter this time, the words coming with a mix of uncertainty and realization. “I didn’t think you… cared about anything beyond your family, your power.”

Ambessa chuckles, the sound low and rich with something you can’t quite place. “I’ve built my world on strength,” she says, her tone suddenly firm again, the edge returning. “But don’t mistake that for indifference. I care. Just not in the ways you expect.”

You look at her, at the woman who commands empires with a single glance, and for the first time, you feel a sliver of understanding. It’s fleeting, but it’s there.

In this moment, there’s no conflict, no game, no act of manipulation. Just two people—two forces—sitting in silence, sharing a truth that neither of them was prepared for.

And for the first time since you met her, you feel the cracks forming between you, not in hatred or conflict, but in something… more.

——

The room is silent, save for the rhythmic sound of your breath, the occasional scrape of leather against the stone floor, and the soft clink of Ambessa’s armor as she moves. The space between you and her is thick with anticipation, the tension of unspoken challenges hanging in the air. You stand facing her, heart racing with a mixture of nerves and resolve, sweat already beginning to bead at your brow as you adjust your stance.

Ambessa, as always, exudes a calm that seems impenetrable. She’s already in position, her posture a picture of effortless grace and power. You can feel her gaze as she watches you, her dark, calculating eyes trained on your every movement, reading you like an open book. There is no malice in her gaze, no judgment, just the cold precision of a strategist sizing up her opponent.

You know why she’s doing this—why she’s offering you this chance to spar. It’s not a favor, not an act of kindness, but a test. A measure of strength. She has always regarded you with an almost clinical detachment, seeing you as something to be shaped and molded, a tool in her vast, intricate design. And you’ve played your part in that. But this… this is different.

For the first time, she’s offering you a chance to stand beside her as an equal, as a warrior, not as some piece in her game. You know that this will be a battle of more than just your physical strength. It will be a battle of will, of pride. And though she does not say it aloud, you can feel it—the challenge is clear.

You exhale, steadying yourself. This is your moment.

Ambessa shifts, her movements fluid, the sound of her armor clicking ever so softly as she adjusts her stance. The muscles in her arms and legs flex, her broad shoulders shifting beneath the finely tailored garment she wears, a mixture of function and regality. She stands tall, her umber skin glowing in the dim light, the faint streaks of silver in her dark hair catching the light with every subtle movement.

She’s beautiful, in a way that feels almost dangerous, like a storm that could strike without warning. There is nothing delicate about her, nothing soft. Everything about Ambessa is strength—her body, her demeanor, her very presence. But for the first time since you met her, you feel that perhaps this strength is something you might have a chance to understand, to match.

“Show me what you have,” she says, her voice low but commanding, every word an unspoken promise that you will not be given mercy, not now. Her eyes are still sharp, watching you, waiting for the first move.

You tense, adrenaline spiking. You’ve trained, you’ve fought, but never like this—not against someone like her. Still, you step forward, your movements swift, powered by a mixture of instinct and stubborn pride. You throw a punch, fast, aiming for her ribs, hoping to catch her off guard.

But Ambessa is faster. Her reaction is immediate—her arm shifts with startling precision, catching your punch effortlessly with her forearm. She doesn’t even flinch as she redirects your attack, using the momentum to guide you into an open space.

Before you can even adjust, she’s already moved, her body shifting fluidly in a way that almost defies the sheer mass of muscle that makes up her frame. In an instant, she’s at your side, her hand gripping your wrist, twisting with a strength you hadn’t anticipated. You try to pull away, but it’s like trying to escape the grip of a steel vice.

For a moment, you feel her power as she moves you effortlessly, positioning you in a way that makes your body feel vulnerable and exposed. Every movement she makes is deliberate, controlled, a demonstration of years of combat experience. She’s not simply overpowering you—she’s showing you how she does it, how it’s done.

You wince, frustration bubbling up inside you. But there’s no time to dwell on it. Ambessa lets go of your wrist with a smooth, practiced motion, giving you a moment to reset. You take a step back, trying to gather yourself. She watches, her gaze never leaving you.

“Again,” she says, her voice unwavering, though there’s something in it now, something that wasn’t there before. Respect? Maybe. It’s hard to tell, but you catch the faintest glimmer in her eyes—a challenge, but also something else. A spark of acknowledgment.

This time, you approach with more caution. You throw a series of punches, each one faster than the last, each one designed to test her, to find a weakness, something she’ll leave open. But Ambessa’s reflexes are too sharp. She parries, dodges, deflects every strike with fluid ease. You can feel the sweat running down your spine as you fight, your muscles burning, the exertion building in your chest. Your breath comes in sharp bursts, but you push through it, determined to show her that you’re not just a prize to be won.

The air between you crackles with intensity as you press forward, but then, in one swift move, she shifts. It’s a blur of motion, a sudden shift of her body, and then she’s behind you. You feel the pressure of her hand on your back, and before you can even process it, she has you locked in a hold, her arm across your throat, just tight enough to keep you immobilized, her body pressed against yours with a force that makes your breath catch.

For a long moment, neither of you moves. You can feel the heat radiating from her body, the weight of her strength pressing down on you, and you realize that this—this is what true power feels like. It’s not the flash of brilliance in a single moment. It’s the unwavering control, the quiet dominance that you now understand.

She doesn’t choke you, doesn’t break you. Instead, she lets go, lowering her arm with a practiced ease. You stand there for a moment, catching your breath, trying to steady your shaking legs. Her presence looms behind you, not with intimidation, but with something… softer, more measured. There’s a lesson in it, a lesson you can’t ignore.

Ambessa steps away, allowing you to turn and face her. Her eyes are still cold, still calculating, but now there’s a flicker of something else—something you hadn’t expected. A faint nod, a subtle shift in the way she carries herself.

“Better,” she says simply, her voice clipped but not unkind. It’s not praise, but it’s not scorn either. It’s recognition.

You exhale sharply, wiping the sweat from your brow. There’s no shame in losing to her, not when she has so much more experience. But there is something in her—something in the way she trains you, in the way she doesn’t mock you, doesn’t treat you as less than—something that feels like a crack, a crack in the wall between you two.

She’s not treating you like a subordinate tonight. She’s treating you like a warrior.

And that means more than anything.

You straighten yourself, meeting her gaze. “What now?” you ask, your voice rough, but you feel the pride in it, the stubbornness that has always been a part of you.

Ambessa regards you for a long moment, her expression unreadable. Her eyes flicker briefly to your stance, to the way you hold yourself despite the exhaustion. Then, with a faint smile—one that’s subtle, but undeniably there—she responds.

“Now,” she says, her voice lower, more measured, “we fight again.”

And you know that this time, when you clash, it won’t just be for her amusement. It won’t just be about proving something to her. It will be about proving something to yourself.

You’re not just a pawn in her game anymore. You’re something more.

The second crack is small, but it’s there, buried deep beneath the surface of your battle-worn pride. And you know, somehow, that the more you fight, the more you’ll find of it.

——

You didn’t mean to stare, but you find yourself unable to look away. She moves across the room with that innate confidence, that inescapable presence that has always left an indelible impression on anyone who crosses her path. Her steps are purposeful, deliberate—each one taken with the kind of authority that only comes from years of commanding armies and navigating the volatile tides of politics.

Ambessa Medarda is no stranger to power, and it’s impossible to ignore the raw energy that ripples through her every motion. The faint gleam of silver in her dark hair catches the light as she turns, the subtle glint of it almost a reflection of the fire that burns within her. You can’t help but watch, feeling the pull of something deeper, more visceral than you’ve ever allowed yourself to admit.

Damn it, you curse inwardly. You’ve caught yourself again.

You look away quickly, feigning disinterest as you turn your gaze to something else in the room, anything to avoid her scrutiny. But even as you attempt to regain some composure, your mind betrays you. The image of her sharp jawline, the way her angular features are framed by the waves of her hair, is burned into your thoughts.

Ambessa doesn’t look like the kind of woman who would want to be admired for her looks. Everything about her screams strength, discipline, control. Her body is a weapon, each muscle defined by years of battle and grueling training. You’ve witnessed it firsthand, how she moves with effortless power, her presence commanding and relentless. She doesn’t need anyone’s attention to hold the room’s focus—she already owns it, and everyone knows it.

But that’s the problem, isn’t it? You’ve always been aware of her strength, her imposing nature. It’s easy to get lost in the ways she commands others, in the way she keeps everyone at arm’s length.

And yet, here you are, caught in something you shouldn’t feel.

She shifts her posture, her back straight, eyes scanning the room with that cold, calculating look you know so well. It’s like she sees everything and everyone in the space without even trying. Her gaze is sharp, piercing, like a blade meant to cut through any illusion. She’s not just the ruler of this room—she’s the master of every interaction, every move, and everyone in it.

But for the first time, it’s different. You’re not some subject to be manipulated, not a player in her game to be moved at will. There’s a shift in the way she regards you lately. A subtle one, but undeniable. And it’s confusing the hell out of you.

A part of you tells yourself to resist. To stay focused. To remind yourself of the ways she’s hurt you. The way she’s kept you bound by your own loyalty, a weapon for her to use as she sees fit.

And yet… you can’t stop looking at her.

Her stance alone—how she stands with a spine as straight as steel, how her broad shoulders fill out her garments, how her chest rises with the calm assurance of someone who’s never had to question their authority—has a magnetic pull. The hint of silver streaks in her hair glimmering against the dark backdrop of her uniform. The sharpness of her jawline that gives her an almost predatory appearance.

She’s not just a woman anymore. She’s something more. Something raw. Something that makes your blood rush a little faster, your pulse quicken with every subtle movement she makes.

You feel yourself falter, wondering what exactly it is that’s been shifting between you two. The physical proximity, the slow realization that she’s not as unreachable as she once seemed.

You notice things now—the way her gaze softens when she looks at you, if only for a moment. The way she steps closer when giving instructions, a brush of her presence against yours that makes the air around you feel heavier, charged with something unspoken.

You look down at your hands, the tight grip you have on your own thoughts. It’s so hard to keep this composure when everything about her seems so damn magnetic.

Her voice slices through the thoughts swirling in your head. “You seem distracted.”

Her words are calm, too calm. There’s no sharp edge to them, nothing that suggests she’s angry or disapproving, but somehow, they carry weight. More weight than they should. It’s like she knows what you’ve been thinking, though you’re sure you’ve hidden it well enough.

You snap your eyes up to meet hers, your heart skipping a beat when you see the quiet amusement in her gaze, the knowing flicker of something there. She doesn’t give you time to respond, instead turning on her heel, her armor shifting slightly with her movements.

“I’d suggest focusing on your surroundings. You never know when an opportunity might arise,” she adds, her tone almost dismissive, but there’s a trace of something else. An invitation? A challenge?

Her steps are purposeful, and she moves away from you without a second glance, her sharp eyes already focused on something ahead. The moment passes, but it leaves a lingering taste in the air—a taste that clings to your senses like something dangerous.

You try to brush it off. You try to ignore the pull that she exerts on you without even trying, but it’s getting harder. Much harder.

It’s been weeks now since that first sparring session, since you saw the first crack in the armor she’d built around herself. The walls she’d erected between you two are still high, still unyielding. But the cracks… the cracks are widening. Slowly, surely, you can feel them, like the faintest tremor in the ground before a storm hits.

You don’t want to admit it to yourself, but it’s undeniable. There’s something more happening here, something that goes beyond your role as her captive, her pawn. You’re not just being trained anymore. You’re not just here to learn the ways of combat or diplomacy.

You’re here because, in some inexplicable way, she’s allowing you to be something more. Something she hadn’t planned for.

The thought gnaws at you as you watch her—standing tall, commanding the room, a symbol of strength that both repels and draws you in. You curse yourself again, frustrated by how little you seem to control this growing reaction inside you.

But as you look at her, something shifts. Her gaze lands on you again, sharp and unyielding, and for a moment, there’s no pretension, no power games between you two. There’s just the quiet understanding that passes between you, one that feels like it’s only the beginning of something that could change everything. Something dangerous.

You shift your stance, trying to hold on to whatever scraps of control you have left. But deep down, you know. You know that the cracks aren’t just in her walls. They’re in yours, too. And no matter how much you want to deny it, the more you fight against it, the stronger it becomes.

You’ve caught yourself watching her far too many times now, noticing everything. And despite your best efforts, there’s no turning back.

She’s kind of hot.

And the more you think about it, the harder it becomes to ignore.

She’s not just a warlord. She’s not just a woman who commands armies and lives by ruthless pragmatism. No.

She’s something else now. Something that’s starting to make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself—and about her.

——

It has been weeks since she gave it to you. Weeks since she handed you that velvet-wrapped gift with a look in her dark eyes that made something twist in your chest. You’d refused it, of course. At first. Your pride wouldn’t allow you to take something so carefully chosen by the very woman who had claimed you, trapped you in a world where your choices didn’t matter. And yet, despite your initial resistance, the gift lingered.

It sat there on the shelf, wrapped in the rich, soft fabric, its very presence a reminder of her power over you. The sting of it sat heavy on your shoulders for days—her authority, her ability to manipulate with the most delicate of gestures, the smallest of favors. But now, tonight, as you stand in the quiet solitude of your room, your gaze drawn to it once more, the temptation is too great.

You reach for it, slowly, as though the weight of the moment might shatter if you make the wrong move.

The velvet is cool against your fingers as you untie the ribbon, the fabric flowing easily as you pull it open. Inside, nestled carefully in a bed of dark cloth, is a finely crafted necklace. The metal is cold to the touch, intricate in its design, the edges sharp and precise as if made for someone of regal standing. There’s a charm attached—an onyx stone, smooth and polished, catching the light in the dim room, its depth nearly absorbing the world around it.

Your pulse quickens, and you swear under your breath. What did she mean by this? Was it a gift of genuine affection? A reminder of your place?

You run your fingers over the necklace, the metal heavy in your palm, feeling its significance pressing down on you. You don’t want to feel anything, but it’s hard to deny the shifting sensation deep within your chest, the pressure mounting inside of you.

She doesn’t make gestures like this. Not unless there’s purpose behind it.

As if on cue, you hear her voice from the doorway.

“You took too long to open it,” she remarks, her voice low, deliberate. There’s no malice in her tone—just a quiet observation, a statement of fact.

You freeze, the necklace still clutched in your hand, your gaze snapping up to meet hers. Ambessa stands in the doorway, the soft glow of the lantern casting shadows over her face, emphasizing the sharp planes of her features. She’s wearing the same calm, composed expression she always wears, though there’s something else in her eyes now—a flicker of something you can’t quite place. Her posture is perfect, the way she stands so still, commanding the space around her without lifting a finger.

Her dark eyes, as always, seem to pierce through you. Her presence in the room suddenly feels more potent, more intimate, than it ever has before.

You swallow hard, the weight of the necklace in your hand now feeling like the world itself. You’ve seen this look in her before—the quiet calculation, the subtle way she sizes you up, always assessing, always reading. You want to say something, to explain yourself, but words feel inadequate.

“I didn’t want to,” you finally manage, your voice hoarse. The excuse feels weak, even to you, but it’s all you can muster.

Ambessa steps into the room, her eyes still fixed on you. There’s no rush in her movements, no urgency—she takes her time as if she knows you’re already caught in whatever web she’s weaving.

“You didn’t want to… or you were afraid?” she asks, her voice dropping lower, like a blade being sharpened. The question hangs in the air between you, laced with something you can’t quite decipher.

You hesitate, looking down at the necklace in your hand again, the sharp edges of the metal digging into your palm, grounding you to the moment.

“I wasn’t afraid,” you say, but even you know how empty the words sound.

She doesn’t respond at first, merely stepping closer to you, her movements deliberate, confident, like she knows exactly how to test your limits. You try to stand your ground, but it’s impossible not to notice how her presence fills the room, how everything about her—her strength, her beauty, her command—overpowers you, makes it harder to breathe.

And then, without a word, Ambessa reaches out, her fingers brushing lightly against your cheek, a touch so soft it catches you off guard. She’s never touched you like this before—so carefully, so deliberately.

Her touch is like fire, igniting every nerve in your body, and for the first time since meeting her, you realize how badly you’ve been craving that kind of attention from her. How, despite yourself, despite everything she’s done to you, you long for the connection.

Her fingers slide down, trailing over your jawline, the pads of her fingers like ice against your heated skin. You close your eyes involuntarily, unable to stop the reaction.

“You’re not the only one afraid, you know,” she says softly, and her voice is laced with something unspoken, something raw. “It’s alright to feel it. Fear is… natural. It’s what keeps us alive.”

You open your eyes, meeting her gaze once more, and for a fleeting moment, you see it—vulnerability. Brief, but unmistakable. Her eyes are darker now, more intense, and you’re not sure if it’s the shadows in the room or something else entirely.

You can feel the shift happening between you two. It’s like the tension in the air has been building, and now, it’s finally snapping—cracking wide open.

Without thinking, you move. Your hand reaches out, fingers brushing against her dark hair, the strands so smooth beneath your fingertips. You’re not sure why you do it, but it feels like the only thing that makes sense in this moment.

You tuck a stray lock behind her ear, your fingers lingering against the softness of her skin, feeling the heat radiating from her. The intimacy of the gesture surprises you, makes your heart race in your chest.

The room falls silent, the weight of your actions settling heavily between you. You curse yourself instantly, wanting to pull back, wanting to distance yourself, but something in her expression stops you. Her dark eyes hold yours, steady and unyielding.

“You’ve always been good at pushing boundaries,” she says, her voice barely a whisper now, and it sends a shiver down your spine. Her breath is warm against your skin, close enough that you can feel it, but still she doesn’t move closer.

You’re frozen in place, unsure of where to go from here, unsure of what this means. You’ve crossed a line—there’s no doubt about it.

But what happens now?

Ambessa steps back, her gaze lingering on you for a moment longer before she turns away.

“Come,” she says, her tone shifting back to its usual command. “You’re coming with me. The night is not over yet.”

You nod mutely, still reeling from the moment, still feeling the heat of her touch lingering on your skin, the softness of her fingers against your cheek.

The shift is undeniable now. There’s no going back from this. You’ve stepped into something far more complicated than you ever intended, and the question remains: what will come of it?

——

The next morning, the door slams shut behind her, the sound of it echoing through the stone halls like a punctuation mark. Ambessa Medarda has left for one of her meetings, likely to discuss matters of strategy, alliances, or power. You watch the space she vacates, still holding onto the tension her presence leaves in the air.

She is a force—unyielding, commanding. Her mere presence is enough to make you think twice about every word, every move. But now she’s gone, and for the first time since being captured, you’re left alone in this room—a room that, despite its opulence, feels more like a cage.

You sit on the edge of the lavishly appointed chair in the center of the room. The soft velvet beneath your fingertips doesn’t comfort you. You stare at the ornate, meticulously organized shelves, the gleaming weapons, the polished armor. Everything is in its place, perfect and poised for the next battle. But your mind drifts, the monotony of your captivity pressing against your skull, and you start to move, your hands itching for something to do, anything to escape the suffocating weight of your thoughts.

Your gaze falls on the desk, littered with papers, reports, maps, and more. Weapons, you thought. Battle plans. Something to keep you occupied. But as you sift through the papers, you realize that what you’ve found isn’t what you expected. Not even close.

The first letter is plain—folded neatly, its edges creased as if it has been read and refolded a hundred times. The handwriting is crisp, elegant—Ambessa’s. You recognize the bold strokes, the precision of each letter, as though each word were crafted with deliberate care. It catches you off guard. You weren’t prepared for this.

You feel your pulse quicken as you slowly unfold it, eyes scanning the words. It’s addressed to someone—Mel, you realize as you read the name at the top. Her daughter. The name is familiar, though you’ve never met the woman who holds such importance in Ambessa’s life. And yet, reading these words feels like a breach of trust, an invasion of something deeply personal.

“Mel,

I hope this letter reaches you at a time when the winds of war are less harsh than they are now. I know we’ve never had much in the way of communication, but I feel the weight of my absence more than you may ever understand. I know you need me, even if you don’t know how to ask for it. I wish I could be there for you as a mother should, but my duties, my obligations—they won’t let me be anything more than a soldier.

I miss you in ways that hurt. More than any battlefield wound, more than any loss of allies or land. You were my reason for fighting, and yet, here I am, miles away from you, trying to carve a legacy that may never truly belong to you. I hope you know that none of this was ever your fault, that every decision I’ve made, every sacrifice, has been for you. For your future. I only hope I can protect you from the world I’ve helped create.

I don’t expect you to understand. But one day, when you’re older, I hope you will. And I hope that when you do, you will forgive me for all the times I wasn’t there for you.

Always,

Ambessa.”

The letter drops from your hand, the weight of her words sinking into your chest, tightening your throat. You can feel the tension in the room shift, the air thickening. You weren’t supposed to see this. You weren’t supposed to feel sympathy for her. Ambessa was your captor, a figure of strength and power. The last thing you should be doing is imagining her as someone vulnerable, someone torn between the weight of her family and the bloodstained duties of a warlord.

But there it is—the rawness in her words, the vulnerability that leaks through despite her best efforts to remain stoic. The letter doesn’t tell the whole story, not by a long shot. But it tells enough to make you wonder what kind of woman she really is beneath the steel armor of her command.

You reach for the second letter, the paper crinkling in your hand as you pick it up. This one, too, is addressed to Mel, the same neat, flowing script, but the tone is different—softer, more regretful.

“Mel,

There are moments in my day when I can almost forget the weight of my armor. When I can almost forget the way I have to hold myself up, unyielding and unbroken. But those moments are fleeting, and they never last. You, on the other hand, have always been my constant. I’m sorry for the way I have treated you in the past, for the times I’ve been harsh or distant. You deserve more than that. I know you do.

If you ever feel lost, Mel, know that I am thinking of you. I know I don’t show it, but you are always with me. Every decision I make, I make for you. If I could have a different life, a simpler one, I would. I would choose to be the mother you deserve, the one who stands by you, not the one who commands armies and wears bloodstained hands.

But this is the life I’ve chosen, and I have to live with it.

I hope one day we can sit together, without the weight of this world between us. I hope that, when this is all over, when the battles are done, you will still be there, ready to welcome me home.

With all my heart,

Ambessa.”

This one hits harder. It’s more personal, more open. You feel a tightness form in your chest, a lump of emotion that you have no name for, no way to describe. You weren’t supposed to feel sorry for her, and yet the words in front of you speak to something deeper. Something raw.

You weren’t supposed to care.

You run your hand over your face, trying to process the words, but the heaviness doesn’t lift. The contrast between the woman you know—Ambessa, ruthless, calculating, cold—and the woman who wrote these letters, filled with longing and regret, shakes something loose inside you. It unsettles you, disturbs you, because it forces you to see her in a way you hadn’t before.

You look around the room, at the fine armor, the weapons, the maps detailing battles and war plans, and it all feels like a carefully constructed illusion. The façade that Ambessa has built, the mask she wears to hide the cracks in her soul, begins to feel fragile. And you realize you’ve been seeing only one side of her, the side she shows to everyone, the side that doesn’t let anyone in.

You know you’re not supposed to feel sympathy for her. She is your captor, the one who holds your fate in her hands. But for the first time, you understand something deeper about her—something that makes her just as human as anyone else.

The letters are left forgotten on the desk, their weight still heavy in your mind. But the presence of Ambessa—the real Ambessa, not the iron-willed warlord you’ve come to know—lingers in the air, in the silence, in the space between you.

She’s coming back soon, you know. And when she does, she will expect you to return to your place, to continue playing your role as her captive. But something has changed. Something in you has shifted, and now, when she steps back into the room, you won’t be able to look at her the same way. Not anymore.

You glance at the letters one more time, the weight of their meaning settling deep within you, and wonder just how much longer you can continue pretending that she doesn’t matter to you at all.

——

The evening air is thick with the scent of fresh flowers and rich perfumes, mingling with the unmistakable tension of Noxian politics. The gathering is extravagant—an opulent affair, full of glistening jewels, sharp suits, and hushed conversations behind elegant masks. This is no place for vulnerability, no place for softness. Yet, here you are, standing at the center of it all, and as much as you try to resist it, you feel the weight of every scrutinizing glance aimed your way.

You are nothing more than a trophy in this gilded cage—a beautiful ornament to adorn Ambessa’s arm, a reminder of her power, her dominance, her ability to command attention. The men and women who circle around her seem to forget that you are human, that you have a will of your own. To them, you are an accessory, nothing more than something to be admired from a distance. The cold touch of their stares is enough to make your skin prickle with discomfort.

But then there’s Ambessa.

She stands beside you, a constant presence, her hand settled firmly on your waist. Her fingers feel like iron, yet there is an undeniable gentleness in her grip. You can feel the heat of her body radiating against yours, the breadth of her chest and the weight of her presence encircling you like a protective shield. It is a strange contradiction. Her hand, strong and assertive, keeping you close to her, as if daring anyone to come closer. She has always known how to wield power, but tonight it feels like something else—an unspoken promise, an unacknowledged tenderness that’s out of place in the midst of all this grandeur.

Her dark eyes sweep across the room with calculated precision, taking in every face, every whisper. She moves with purpose, her steps measured, her posture perfect. And yet, she is acutely aware of your proximity—of you standing by her side. Her gaze lingers on you, just for a moment, before she returns to the social dance, never acknowledging the subtle shift in the air, the charge between you.

The room hums with conversation, the laughter of Noxian elites dancing through the air. You feel the weight of their eyes on you, feeling their judgment, their assumptions, their expectations. You are supposed to be invisible, to be nothing more than a beautiful ornament. But Ambessa doesn’t treat you that way. She doesn’t give them the satisfaction.

Her hand on your waist tightens, pulling you closer, just enough to remind you of her control, of the space she occupies in this room. There is no fear in her movements, no uncertainty. She is power incarnate, her every action calculated and deliberate. She keeps you close to her, not as a possession, not as a tool, but as something she is unwilling to let slip from her grasp. And as her fingers press lightly into your skin, a wave of warmth floods your body, igniting something inside you that you cannot ignore.

As the night progresses, the crowd begins to thin, the chatter turning into murmurs of goodbyes and polite farewells. But Ambessa remains by your side, her presence never wavering. The weight of the evening seems to lift, and you find yourself finally able to breathe, able to escape the sharp eyes that had once circled you like vultures. But now, with the others gone, you’re left alone with her.

Her hand slides from your waist to your lower back, her fingers tracing the curve of your spine with a slow, deliberate motion. You swallow hard, the action small but intimate, sending shivers down your spine. The touch is light, yet it carries a weight to it, as if she’s marking you—claiming you, without the need for words. You glance up at her, searching for any hint of what this means. But there’s nothing—her face remains as unreadable as always, her expression a careful mask of control and power.

But her gaze—her gaze is different. It lingers, softening, though only just. Her eyes, sharp and calculating, seem to pierce through you as if she can see everything, as if she knows everything. The connection is sudden, and you feel it deep in your bones, that unspoken understanding, that pull between you, magnetic and undeniable.

“You’re tired,” she says, her voice low, almost thoughtful. It’s not a question. It’s a statement.

You nod slowly, the truth of her observation hitting you harder than it should. The evening has been draining, and though you’ve been surrounded by a sea of people, you’ve never felt more isolated. Ambessa’s eyes soften just the slightest bit, but she doesn’t break the connection. She is still, unwavering, her presence filling the space around you, blocking out the rest of the world.

Without another word, she leads you away from the crowd, her hand never leaving your back. You follow her in a trance, the world around you falling into a distant blur. Her steps are sure, confident, as always, but now there’s something more to them—something slower, something deliberate, as if she’s savoring the moment, as if she’s drawing this out for a reason you can’t yet understand.

You step into a quieter corner of the mansion, the shadows seeming to swallow the space, leaving only the glow of distant candlelight. It’s intimate, this space between you—secluded, away from the prying eyes of the gathering. There’s a strange tension in the air now, a simmering heat that makes the air feel thick, charged. You feel the sudden urge to pull away, to escape, but you can’t move. Not when she stands in front of you, her gaze locking onto yours, her breath steady and controlled.

She steps closer, her chest brushing yours, her presence swallowing up the space between you. Her hand moves to your jaw, cupping it gently, her thumb tracing the line of your cheek with a tenderness that surprises you. It’s the same hand that commands armies, that strikes fear into the hearts of her enemies. Yet now, it feels like a quiet gesture, one that disarms you in a way nothing else has.

Her breath is warm against your face, the faint scent of lavender and leather lingering in the air as she leans in. You close your eyes, the anticipation rising in your chest, your heart hammering against your ribs. Her lips hover just inches from yours, and for a moment, everything feels suspended in time. The world fades, leaving only the two of you standing in the quiet, illuminated by the soft glow of candlelight.

And then, she kisses you.

It’s not a demand, not a conquest. It’s slow, deliberate, as if she’s savoring the moment, tasting the weight of it. Her lips press against yours, warm and firm, not hurried, not insistent, but steady, strong. There’s nothing gentle about it, yet everything in it is intimate. It is a kiss that speaks of control, of power, but also of something else—something far more fragile, something you can’t quite grasp.

You don’t pull away. You can’t.

In that moment, you feel her—Ambessa Medarda—the woman who commands armies, who takes what she wants, who has never been vulnerable before anyone, now pressing her lips to yours in a way that speaks volumes. She is not demanding anything of you, but something in the way she holds you, the way she kisses you, makes it clear that this is hers, and you are hers in this moment.

And you hate yourself for it.

You hate how much you want more.

Her lips linger for just a moment longer before she pulls away, her eyes meeting yours, unreadable once more. The kiss wasn’t a conquest, but the silence that follows it is still heavy with its weight. You are left standing there, breathless, unsure of where you stand with her, of what this means for the both of you.

“You should rest,” she says quietly, her voice cool, almost dismissive now, as if nothing had just happened. As if it was just another thing to check off the list, just another task completed. But you know it was something more than that.

As you turn to leave, you can feel her eyes still on you, burning into your back, and you hate the way your heart races, the way your body betrays you. You can’t even pretend that this moment didn’t affect you. Because it did. In ways you don’t yet understand.

And that’s the worst part of all.

——

The morning arrives too quickly, the first light of dawn cutting through the heavy drapes of your room like a cruel reminder of what you can’t escape. You’ve barely slept, your thoughts spinning in endless circles, tangled in the aftermath of the night before. You knew, deep down, that it would happen—that it had already begun—but it doesn’t make it any easier to face.

There’s a fluttering in your chest, a constant thrumming beneath your ribs, an ache you can’t quite name. You shouldn’t feel this way. You can’t. Ambessa is your captor, your master, the very person who holds your freedom in her hands like a fleeting promise. She’s cold, commanding, unyielding. She doesn’t care for you—not like that. She’s a woman of power and control, not someone who would soften for the likes of you.

And yet, here you are, caught in the web she’s spun for you. The kiss last night—slow, deliberate, full of intent—lingers in your mind like the taste of fire. It wasn’t a conquest. It wasn’t a demand. But it was something else entirely. Something you can’t ignore, no matter how hard you try.

The day stretches out before you like an endless chasm, and the longer you wait, the harder it becomes to push away the thoughts that keep returning to her—the weight of her gaze, the press of her body against yours, the strength in her touch that keeps you tethered to her.

When you hear the familiar sound of boots echoing through the hall, your pulse quickens. Ambessa has returned from her meeting, and you feel it, deep in your bones, like a storm on the horizon. She’s near.

You tell yourself to brace for it, to steel yourself, to remember the boundaries that exist between you. But it’s no use. The moment she steps into the room, the air shifts, thick with her presence. She fills the space in a way no one else does—every movement, every breath, full of purpose and command. You stand frozen, the tension between you palpable. You can feel it pulling you toward her, as if some invisible force is dragging you into her orbit.

Her eyes meet yours, dark and unreadable. You swallow hard, but you can’t look away. The moment stretches between you like a tightrope, poised on the edge of something dangerous.

Without a word, she strides toward you, her boots clicking against the floor with authority, each step deliberate and sure. Her gaze doesn’t waver, her focus razor-sharp. She moves with such ease, such confidence, that it’s almost impossible to remember that she’s a woman, not just a force of nature.

She’s closer now, and you can feel the heat radiating off her, that all-encompassing warmth that seems to bleed into the air, wrapping around you like a vice. You try to inhale, to steady your breath, but it feels like the room is closing in around you.

“Do you know what you’ve done to me?” Her voice is low, almost a growl, laced with something you can’t quite decipher. It’s not a question, not really. It’s a statement—an accusation, perhaps. And yet, the weight of it hits you like a physical blow, knocking the breath from your lungs.

You want to speak, to explain, to deny the way you’ve been unraveling under her gaze, under her touch. But the words stick in your throat, caught on the edge of something you’re too afraid to voice. Instead, you stay silent, your body frozen in place, watching as she closes the gap between you with a predator’s grace.

Her hand comes up to your cheek, the touch light but firm. She’s studying you now, as if trying to discern every secret you’re hiding, every flicker of emotion you can’t control. Her fingers caress the curve of your jaw, her thumb brushing over your lips, and it feels like a promise, like an unspoken challenge.

“You’re not supposed to want me,” she murmurs, her voice so quiet, so full of something darker than you can name. The words shouldn’t sting—they shouldn’t make your chest tighten—but they do.

She leans in, just enough for you to feel the heat of her body against yours, her presence pressing in from all sides, drowning you. And then, without warning, her lips are on yours.

The kiss is hard, demanding, a force of nature like everything else about her. Her mouth claims yours with the ferocity of someone who’s used to taking, used to owning. The intensity of it sweeps you off your feet, pushing you back against the wall with a force that knocks the breath from your lungs. Her body follows, pressing against you, trapping you in the warmth and power of her frame.

It’s not gentle. It’s not soft. It’s everything you shouldn’t want, everything you shouldn’t feel, and yet you find yourself kissing her back, your hands trembling as they move to her shoulders, clutching at the fabric of her clothes. The smell of her—lavender, leather, smoke—consumes you, and your heart pounds against your chest, each beat erratic and desperate.

She pulls you closer, if that’s even possible, her grip on your jaw tightening as she deepens the kiss, urging you to respond, to meet her with the same intensity she brings. You can feel her power in every movement, in every shift of her body against yours. She’s a hurricane, a force that’s impossible to resist, and despite yourself, despite everything you tell yourself about your position here, you cannot pull away.

Your body betrays you. It moves against hers, pressing closer, your lips parting just enough for her to taste you fully, to claim you in a way that leaves you breathless, dizzy. It’s not just a kiss—it’s a promise, a challenge, a breaking point.

And you hate how much you need it.

Ambessa’s hand slides down your neck, her fingers wrapping around the back of your head, holding you in place as she continues to kiss you with brutal force. She knows what she’s doing—she knows the effect she has on you, the way her strength makes your body ache for more, for something you can’t name. She’s pushing you to the edge, testing you, and you can feel it, the tension building between you like an electric current, sparking and crackling in the air.

Her mouth moves away from yours, just enough for you to breathe, but her presence doesn’t falter. Her forehead rests against yours, her breath hot and heavy, mingling with your own. Her voice, when it comes, is a soft command.

“Say it.”

You blink, dazed, your mind struggling to catch up with the whirlwind of sensations that have left you breathless. Your heart races, your pulse a drumbeat in your ears. You know what she’s asking, but you can’t bring yourself to say it, not yet.

“Say you want this,” she presses, her lips brushing against your ear, her words dripping with dark satisfaction.

You close your eyes, fighting the words that threaten to spill from your lips. You want to say no, to deny it, to push her away. But the truth is there, gnawing at the edges of your mind, carving its way into your chest. You want this. You hate that you do, but you want it.

The admission burns in your throat, but you can’t stop it. “I want this,” you whisper, your voice barely a breath.

Ambessa pulls back slightly, her eyes locking onto yours with an intensity that makes your knees weak. Her lips curl into a slow, knowing smile, and for the first time, you wonder if she’s always known. If she’s always been the one in control, and you’ve only been fooling yourself into thinking you had any say in this at all.

Her hand moves to your waist, her fingers pressing firmly into your flesh, her lips returning to yours with a slow, deliberate passion.

You don’t resist. Not anymore.

Her lips curl into a smirk against your lips, sharp and knowing, as if she can hear the words you can’t bring yourself to say. She pulls back slightly, her breath ghosting over your ear. “You’re mine,” she murmurs, her voice dripping with dark satisfaction. “And you’ve always known it.”

The words send a shiver down your spine, your body betraying you as you lean into her touch. Her hand slides up your side, her fingertips tracing the curve of your ribs, sending sparks of electricity through your skin. You close your eyes, but she doesn’t let you escape. Her other hand grips your chin, forcing you to meet her gaze.

Her eyes are dark, intense, and filled with a hunger that makes your stomach clench. She doesn’t need to say it again. You know what she wants. And, God help you, you want it too.

It hadn’t started like this. Not at all. When you first laid eyes on Ambessa Medarda, she was a figure of fear and awe, a warlord whose name was whispered with both reverence and dread. She had taken you as a prize of war, a captive meant to serve as a reminder of her victory. But over time, something shifted.

You caught her watching you, her gaze lingering just a fraction too long. You noticed the way her voice softened when she spoke to you, the way her touch lingered when she handed you a goblet of wine. At first, you told yourself it was your imagination. She was a conqueror, a woman of power and pragmatism, not someone who would look at you with anything other than cold detachment.

But then came the nights. The nights when she would summon you to her chambers, not to demand your service, but to talk. She would sit in the dim light of the fireplace, her armor replaced by simpler garments, and ask you about your life before the war. Her questions were sharp, probing, but there was a curiosity in her eyes that went beyond strategy.

Now, here you are, pinned to the wall, her body pressed against yours, her lips claiming yours with a hunger that leaves you dizzy. Her hands roam your body, possessive and demanding, leaving no inch of you untouched.

“You’re mine,” she murmurs against your lips, her voice a low growl. “Say it.”

“I’m yours,” you whisper, the words slipping from your lips before you can stop them.

She smiles, a slow, satisfied curve of her lips, and pulls back just enough to look into your eyes. “Good.” With one swift motion, she lifts you off the ground, your legs instinctively wrapping around her waist as she carries you to the bed.

She lays you down with a gentleness that belies her strength, her hands sliding up your thighs, pushing the fabric of your dress out of the way. Her touch is electric, sending waves of heat through your body as her fingers find the apex of your thighs. You gasp as she strokes you, her touch deliberate and unhurried, her eyes never leaving yours.

“You’re so wet for me,” she murmurs, her voice thick with satisfaction. “You’ve wanted this, haven’t you?”

You nod, unable to form words, your breath coming in shallow gasps as her fingers move in slow, deliberate circles. She leans down, her lips brushing against your ear. “Tell me,” she demands, her voice rough with need. “Tell me how much you want me.”

“I want you,” you breathe, your voice trembling with desperation. “God, Ambessa, I want you so much.”

She smiles, a slow, predatory curve of her lips, and pulls back just enough to look into your eyes. “Then you’ll have me.”

With that, she stands, her movements deliberate and unhurried. You watch as she moves to the desk, her hands rummaging through the drawer before she pulls out a strap-on, the leather gleaming in the dim light. Your breath catches in your throat as she secures it around her waist, her eyes never leaving yours.

She returns to the bed, her presence overwhelming as she straddles your hips, her hands gripping your wrists and pinning them above your head. “Look at me,” she commands, and you obey, your eyes locking onto hers as she positions herself at your entrance.

The first thrust is slow, deliberate, and it steals the breath from your lungs. She pauses, her eyes dark with satisfaction as she watches the pleasure play across your face. “You’re so tight,” she murmurs, her voice rough with need. “Taking me so well.”

She begins to move, her thrusts slow and deliberate, each one sending waves of pleasure through your body. You arch your back, a moan escaping your lips as she hits just the right spot. She leans down, her lips brushing against yours as she whispers, “You’re mine. Say it.”

“I’m yours,” you gasp, your voice trembling with desperation. “All yours.”

She smiles, a slow, satisfied curve of her lips, and begins to move faster, her thrusts deep and unrelenting. Your moans fill the room, your body writhing beneath her as she takes you to the edge and pushes you over.

When you finally cry out, your body trembling with release, she doesn’t stop. She keeps moving, her thrusts steady and unyielding, until she finds her own release, her body stiffening above yours as a low, guttural moan escapes her lips.

She collapses on top of you, her breathing heavy, her body still pressed against yours. For a moment, there’s silence, the only sound the soft crackling of the fireplace. Then she leans down, her lips brushing against your ear as she whispers,

“Now, tell me again.”

——

The room is still, the quiet broken only by the sound of your breath and the rhythmic, even exhalations of the woman beside you. The moonlight filters through the curtains, casting soft shadows on the bed, but it does little to dispel the weight of the night—the weight of everything that’s been building between you and Ambessa.

You are tangled in silk sheets, your body pressed against hers, the warmth of her skin seeping into your own. Her scent lingers in the air, a mix of lavender and leather, the remnants of her presence wrapping around you like a blanket. She’s here, and so are you. Together, in a moment of stillness, of vulnerability.

You didn’t expect it to feel like this. You didn’t expect to feel anything but hatred, but disgust, but a need to break free from her. She was the enemy. The warlord who razed your home, the woman who crushed everything you loved beneath her heel. How could you ever think of her as anything else?

But the truth is undeniable now. The truth is lying beside her, with her hand resting possessively on your hip, the curve of her body curled around yours in a way that feels almost… tender.

You no longer wish to kill her. You can still see her, that fierce, untouchable warrior, the woman who commanded armies, who tore through your life with cold precision. But in this moment, with the soft rise and fall of her chest, with the faintest sigh escaping her lips as she sleeps, you see more. You see the woman who remembers the flowers you love, the ones you mentioned once in passing, who listens when you speak even if your words are laced with venom, who doesn’t just dominate you but sees you—sees who you are beneath all the walls you’ve built, beneath all the anger.

She knows you. And despite everything, she chooses you.

You never wanted this. Never wanted to want her. Never wanted to be caught in the web she’s spun so carefully around you. But here you are, in the quiet of her chambers, with her breath warming your skin, her body surrounding yours, and you realize, with startling clarity, that you are hers now. You belong to her, just as she belongs to you.

And for the first time since she tore your world apart, you don’t resent it.

Her presence, overwhelming as it is, is also grounding. The way her hand moves lazily to rest over your stomach, the weight of it pulling you closer to her, as if she can’t bear the distance between you, even in sleep. The softness of her touch, the unspoken intimacy of it, is enough to make your heart ache. It’s not the kind of softness that comes from weakness. It’s the softness of someone who’s allowed herself to care, even if it’s just a little, even if it’s just for you.

You shift slightly, turning your head to look at her. The moonlight catches the sharp lines of her features, the way her jaw is clenched even in sleep, the way her muscles are still coiled beneath her skin—like a warhorse ready to charge at any moment. She is every bit the warrior you’ve feared and hated for so long. And yet…

And yet, she is also this. The woman who holds you in her sleep, the woman whose body is a fortress of warmth and security. The woman who, despite her power, lets you in.

Your breath hitches in your chest. The realization settles over you like a heavy blanket, one that you can’t quite shed. She is still the warlord. Still the one who destroyed your home. Still the one who knows how to command armies and manipulate people with a single glance.

But she is also this woman—this woman who listens when you speak of your childhood, who touches you gently, who holds you in a way that makes your heart race in a completely different way. You can still feel the remnants of her hands on your skin, the way she touches you like you’re something precious, like you’re someone worth holding. The woman who, despite everything, has learned what it means to make you feel safe, even when you’re lost in the depths of your own mind.

Your chest tightens as you realize that you have let yourself fall for her. In spite of everything, in spite of your hatred, in spite of the hurt she’s caused you and the destruction she’s left in her wake, you have let her in. You’ve allowed her to carve her place in your heart, to shape it into something you can’t deny.

You hate it, and yet, you love it all the same.

Ambessa stirs beside you, her arm tightening around your waist, pulling you closer to her. She shifts, the muscles in her body shifting in time with yours, and you inhale sharply at the sudden proximity. Her hair, still tousled from sleep, brushes against your face, and the scent of it—lavender and leather—floods your senses once again.

She doesn’t wake, doesn’t stir, and yet, you can feel the power radiating off her, even in this moment of stillness. The contrast of her strength and her tenderness leaves you breathless. It’s the same way she moves through life: with purpose, with control, but always with a hint of vulnerability that she refuses to show anyone but you.

And here, lying beside her, you understand. You understand what it is to be vulnerable with someone, to let go of the walls you’ve built around yourself, to trust.

You’ve never trusted anyone like this before. Never let anyone this close. But with her… you’ve surrendered in ways you never thought possible.

There’s no going back from this. Not now. Not after everything you’ve shared.

You close your eyes and let yourself settle into the warmth of her embrace, her body wrapping around yours like a shield, like a promise. The silence between you is no longer oppressive. It’s a comfort, a quiet understanding that settles between you like a secret you both share.

You are hers.

And in this moment, in this fragile silence, you realize—she is yours too.

[theminecraftbee]

if you don't mind me asking, what are your favorite Techno moments/quotes?

ENTIRETY OF THE POTATO WAR. but also the sun tzu bits specifically

bonus: that story tommy tells of the time he was on a call with techno during the potato war and, from silence, techno speaks up to say "i have narrowed squidkid down to one of three colleges" before going back to potato farming. truly incredible.

honestly "i ruined skeppy's video" and/or any of the techno and skeppy ones are REALLY funny, largely because it's very "chaos god gets a taste of his own medicine"

a lot of techno's dramatic dsmp moments are very well-remembered (nov 16th speech! his speech to tommy!) but i also wanna shoutout the entire bedrock bros arc for being very... two people who do NOT know how to handle this situation but by god, they sure are trying.

i am also actually a SUPER big fan of the whole mayor of hypixel stream because it just feels really good.

minecraft mondays were very flawed but they have some excellent techno moments. a personal favorite is the minecraft monday finale where it gets hacked and they all go "fuck it we'll just play hypixel instead". and they play the stupid minigames, the like, really dumb party games. AND TECHNO IS WAY TOO GOOD AT THOSE TOO. and tapl and the others are just there like "WHY DID YOU TRAIN. THE PIG LAWNMOWER GAME" it's great.

if you've never seen his video about taking over the world in smp earth. like i know that's a really obviously well-known one but it's really good.

also shoutout to his ability to edit to make mr. beast events like, bearable, i cannot STAND the actual mr. beast videos but the technoblade povs of stuff like trying to win the fridge or the duel are actually really good.

i don't know i just really like technoblade, is my point,

[tboy-trash]

while we're at it, people are such dicks about older ppl with dementia. i was at a meeting a few months ago and a woman was full of apologies bc she had to take her mother (with alzheimers) with her but like??? she's a person??? can't help but think how many times that woman has been made feel like shit bc of her mother being a bit chatty and slightly incoherent at times, for her to feel like she needs to apologize every 5 minutes. meanwhile her mother was just a person like anyone else who just had forgotten some social norms and tended to repeat stories. it is SO not a big deal and people who act like it is actually scare the fuck out of me. like tell me more about what are we supposed to do about people who don't behave exactly like you want at all times?

[gamorahww]

𝐅𝐈𝐘𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐁𝐀 𝐅𝐄𝐁𝐑𝐔𝐀𝐑𝐘 ━ 𝑑𝑎𝑦 2. 𝑑𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑜𝑟 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔

Today I'm holding space for the idea that in the context of the movie, dancing is a coping mechanism for Fiyero. While caring is a cure and a solution and an answer. I mean it is nothing new, but it needs to be said.

There will be a separate post on Dancing Through Life later today, but for now, we're starting from later. At history class, Fiyero voluntarily steps up to help the lion cub, and they make it all the way to the forest. Shortly after they are safe, and start talking, Elphaba says, "I know my life would be much easier if I didn't care, but—" and Fiyero cuts her off at exactly this point in her sentence. And I think that moment is crucial. Up until now, he’s never interrupted her before—but now he does and not because he’s frustrated with how much she talks, but because of what she’s saying. He doesn’t want to hear her talk about caring. That’s a pain point for him.

Because he knows it’s easier not to care. That’s the story he tells himself.

The lyrics in Dancing Through Life go: "Why think too hard when it's so soothing?" Soothing what? You don’t need to soothe something that doesn’t hurt. Soothing is only necessary when there’s an ache. To me this means he has cared before, and he has been hurt by caring before, and now he's coping with that by dancing through life. He is soothing his pain from secretly caring just too much, by dancing. Not because he doesn't care anymore about anything, but because he can't stop doing it, so he has to keep dancing. Dancing is loud, and visible. If he dances, people don't ask questions about his personality about what he thinks or how he feels. Maybe they haven't been doing it anyway, so he distracts them by doing his little dance, and as soon as they get too close, he pushes them away. But what he believes to be true for now is that caring = painful and dancing = a way to cope with that pain

But Elphaba just saw him care—deeply. She knows he’s capable of it. And she knows how unbearably sad it must be to choose to pretend otherwise. At the same time, she also understands how painful caring can be, she just highlighted is. In that moment, they find common ground.

But Fiyero’s façade—his carefree persona—is what he assumes people value in him most. So the second he realizes Elphaba doesn’t see him that way, he panics. He thinks that if she can see through him, it means she doesn’t want him there. No one has ever appreciated him for anything beyond the image he projects. So if that mask is gone… what’s left? Why would she still want him around, if he's not fun and happy and carefree? So he starts to leave.

And then she proves him wrong.

Not only does she say "she does (want his help)," but she physically holds onto him, keeping him there. The shock on his face (second gif from the bottom) says everything—he never expected someone to want him without the act. And later, when she touches his face so gently, you can see him struggling to process it. This is the most vulnerable he’s ever been, and it terrifies him. Not only that, but Elphaba sees a scar on his face, and sees that he has been hurt, without him noticing it. She reaches out and touches him gently, not really wanting anything, and he just can't bear it.

Her caring for him is not painful, it's soothing.

His Freudian slip a few beats later—"I better get to safety."—isn’t just about physical danger. This doesn’t feel safe. Being seen, being wanted for real, is the opposite of what he’s used to. Caring and being cared for are equally scary, but only the latter seems like a completely new experience for him. However, after feeling it, he finds something so real that he just yearns for it from now on. Yearns to be seen and touched and to be needed for something he did instinctively, without a thought, something he did because it felt right.

That’s why the later scene with Glinda is so important. When she holds his hand, the shot mirrors the moment with Elphaba—but with one key difference. Glinda is pulling him away, back into the world of pretense. But he can’t go back, not after this, and you can see him looking back at where he came from, back to the forest, back to Elphaba, back to being seen. For once, caring was not painful, and someone cared for him as well.

[thechaoticcherub]

oooh i’m so excited you’re taking requests! can you do one where joel makes reader call him daddy a bunch? and just like…fiiiilllthy dirty talk 🤩

ah! A request!! Thank you!!!!

Say It

Pairing: Daddy!Joel x reader

Summary: No plot. Just fucking.

Warnings: 18+ please, daddy kink, fingering, begging, light smacking, mocking, humiliation, vague degradation, pet names, pussy pronouns, pussy smacking

Word count: 1.3k

Notes: I didn't really edit this at all and just kinda spewed it out! Enjoy!!!

Wanna read something specific for Joel Miller? Send me a request!!

“Say it,” Joel was holding your jaw in his hand and his voice was gentle but uncompromising. You looked up at him, your heart was racing. You desperately wanted to say it, there was a flood in your panties at the mere suggestion of it that proved that you wanted to. You were nervous though. Nervous to let go of control in such an intimate way.

  Joel’s thick fingers dug into your cheeks, “C’mon, sweet girl, I know you wanna say it…I can see that you’re drippin’ onto my floor.” Joels eyes darted down to between your legs. You were kneeling on the ground in front of him, completely naked, knees splayed out. Joel had guided you through removing every piece of clothing in front of him. 

Take your shirt off, babygirl, lemme see those tits. Now your pants, go on, don’t be shy, darlin’. Panties too. You’re makin’ a mess of ‘em anyway. 

You had shakily done as you were told and knelt in front of him while he stood before you, clothed, towering over you, imposing. That was when he suggested it and it knocked your breath out, not because it was really shocking but because you wanted it so bad. Joel had consistently told you what to do, called you ‘babygirl’, read you stories to fall asleep to, instructed you on how to pleasure him. The word seemed obvious but the subject had never been broached until now. You craved it. Joel had given a simple instruction but the word at the end had been something you had daydreamed about and he knew it. As you had sat, waiting for more instruction from him, naked and trying not to be ashamed of yourself Joel had smiled knowingly, his eyes roaming over you.

I want you to beg for it tonight, beg your Daddy. Your eyes had gone wide and all voice had gone out of you. You just stared up at him, leaking with need onto the floor. That was when he had grabbed your jaw and forced you to look up at him. Now he was looking down between your legs, bending slightly. 

“If you’re goin’ to drip like that, you’re goin’ to start doin’ what you’re told. Now say it.” He gave your jaw a little shake. 

“P-please, Daddy” You managed to squeak out. Joel crouched down in front of you so he was more level with you, his hand still holding your jaw. 

“Now, see here, Princess,” He started, studying your face. “I know you can beg better than that.” he said, his breath whispering across your skin, giving you shivers. “An’ I aint goin’ to tell you again.” He added. Joel’s free hand wandered up to your breast, his pointer finger traced around your nipple in a slow, lazy circle. Your whole body ticked upward, reaching towards the feeling of his touch. 

“Daddy, please, I need it. I need you to touch me, please, please I’ll do anything.” You let the words spill out of your mouth, trying not to think about how slutty you sounded or him. There was something so vulgar about being completely nude, on your knees, on display for him while he stood in front of you, flannel sleeves rolled up, belt buckle still closed, even his hunting knife was still tucked into a loop on his belt. 

Joel pursed his lips in mock sympathy, “Awww, babygirl…” he said, “Is she achin’ for her Daddy’s touch?” He asked. Your eyes fell down in shame as you nodded. Joel’s thick fingers tightened again, “Look at me,” he growled. You couldn’t force your eyes up to meet his stern, brown ones. His hand loosened on your jaw only to give your cheek a quick slap, “Babygirl, focus here, focus on your Daddy and do what you’re told.” He grabbed your jaw again, thumb pressing into one cheek and his fingers into the other. 

You forced your eyes up to meet his, Joel’s face softened slightly. “That’s my good girl,” He purred. His other hand reached down, “Alrigh’ I’m gunna touch that leaky pussy just to see how wet you are.” He informed you. You nodded and his hand went down between your spread knees and up to the lips of your pussy. 

“Holy hell, girl!” He laughed, “You’re soakin’,” You shuddered as Joel’s fingers stroked along your pussy lips. “Like I said, drippin’ all over my floor.” he cooed as his fingers languidly teased along your slit. 

“Daddy!” You whined, pressing your hips down. He pulled his hand away bringing it up in front of his face, looking at the mess all over his hand. 

“Uh-uh,” He shook his head. “You stay still, keep your eyes on Daddy, and get beggin’,” he instructed. Joel kept your jaw in his hand, holding you to make you  keep looking at him while he sucked your slick off of his fingers, relishing the taste, relishing that you were desperate for more. 

“Please, Daddy! I need your fingers in my pussy-”

“In your leaky, needy pussy, babygirl.” He corrected. You whined at the vulgarity but you knew you had to say it. 

“In my leaky, needy pussy! Daddy! Please! Daddy I want it!” You cried. Joel nodded,

“I hear ya, babygirl. I know.” he said, his finger traced one of your nipples again and then trailed down your tummy towards your pussy. Your stomach twitched, your pussy clenched. 

“Please! I just… need it so bad, Daddy! She’s aching, Daddy!” You felt a sob forming in your throat. Joel let out a throaty chuckle, his finger tickled over your pubic bone. 

“You love callin’ me Daddy, dont ya?” he asked. You nodded vigorously. “Words. And eyes on me, babygirl.” he said. 

“Yes! Yes Daddy! I love calling you Daddy!” Your eyes met his and he nodded slowly as his finger dibbed into your slit. He started to circle your clit and you knew you would be a goner soon. 

“You like giving up all your control to your Daddy?” he asked, leaning in towards you and pressing his forehead against yours, still crouched down, fingers circling your clit in a dizzying way. 

“Yes,” you whined, you felt your orgasm mounting inside you and you wanted to make sure you did everything right so he wouldn’t ruin your orgasm. The circles around your clit tightened, you clenched, longing for more but unable to ask for it with how focused you were on chasing your orgasm. Your breath burned through you, your cunt was twitching and you could feel your clit twitching under his finger. You needed to come, you could feel tears in your eyes as his finger stroked your closer and closer. Your knees shook under you and you let out a long whine of need,

“I can feel that pretty pussy is close, aint it?” Joel asked. You nodded. “Ask Daddy if you can come.” he instructed. 

“Please, Daddy, can I come? Please! I’m so close…it’s…please!” You tried to hold off, you tried to wait until he told you you could but his thick fingers stroking around and around your clit, swiping over it occasionally were relentless and you couldn’t hold off any longer. Your orgasm shook through you and it was clear he felt you coming as you clenched on nothing. You bit your lip to keep from crying out as the orgasm washed over you and you rolled your hips against his fingers. Joel rubbed your clit through it until you were shaking,

“Fuck,” He groaned, “You are…in a lot of trouble, little miss.” He chastised. Before you came down completely from your high, his thick fingers smacked your overly sensitive clit and you squealed, nearly collapsing. You pressed your knees together and sat back on your feet.

“Uh-uh, you’re aint gettin’ away that easy. Lie back, spread your legs for Daddy. I gotta punish you.” Joel’s voice was gruff and strained and your heart sped, 

“No, Daddy! I’ll be good! I’m sorry!” You whined. 

“I hear that you’re sorry but that ain’t good enough.  Daddy’s going to make sure that pussy is sorry for coming without permission. Lay back. Legs spread. Now.”

[atlas-of-andromeda]

Because I can, I'm answering all of them.

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

Alot of things, obviously, but if I had to pick, I'd say:

Being straight up bullied for expressing interest in things growing up by my brother

Being largely a social outcast for most of my life

And video games

show us a picture of your handwriting?

Yes, I know it looks like shit.

For any curious, it's the lyrics to Does The Swallow Dream Of Flying by Cosmo Sheldrake that I wrote at school a few days ago because it was stuck in my head but I was in math so I couldn't listen to it.

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

Wolfwalkers

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Heathers (1989)

what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

Piss

(It's a long story)

what made you start your blog?

P.M. Seymour

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

Best? The anonymity of it.

Worse? The anonymity of it.

what scares you the most and why?

People hating me. I couldn't tell you why even if I wanted to.

any recurring dreams?

Sometimes I have this dream where I'm in a massive... sinkhole? I guess? That's covered entirely in moss, grass, trees, and miscellaneous foliage. There's also a waterfall somewhere in it. Everytime I have the dream it's dark, little light making it to where I am from the surface. I'm stood on this little cliff edge on the side of the hole, and everytime I look over the edge, and fall. And the dream ends there. I've had it at seemingly random intervals throughout the past... maybe nine-ish years?

There's also this dream I consistently have once, every four years. Where I'm awake in my bedroom at like... maybe 04:00 or something. And it's the early winter, snow just dusting the ground. I leave my room and the washroom door is open, light on, but all other lights are off. I walk over to the entranceway, and I can hear my mother screaming from the basement. I proceed to leave through the backdoor. I walk out into the front yard and my brother is there, and the lights on my family's car are on.

It gets a little fuzzy from then on, but I know that at some point I go back inside and there's a spoon - like the utensil - is important is some capacity. And at some point the dream suddenly switches into another, unrelated dream; where I'm laying on my back, on the floor of a massive almost warehouse-like building, completely empty, and except of the white and grey metal normally in warehouses, this building is made out of wooden planks. There's a giant fan on the roof blowing straight down on me. Balloons are involved at some point.

So... feel free to psychoanalyze me if you so wish!

tell a story about your childhood

One time my family and I were out visiting my grandfather, and there was a large lake near where he lived, so we went swimming. Now, I was like, five or six when this happened; I was very small (still am, but less so). And my older brother (by like four years) was walking out into the lake, and I was following him, because I did that sometimes when I was younger. And because he was (and still is) a lot bigger than me, he went out just fine. But because I was so small, the water picked me up and flipped me over, and I started drowning. My parents came to the rescue (my brother ignored me (dick)).

would you say you’re an emotional person?

I've gotten better in the last year or two, but yes.

what do you consider to be romance?

Couldn't tell you if I tried.

what’s some good advice you want to share?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

what are you doing right now?

Typing shit on Tumblr.

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

Come out.

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

A house.

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I'd make myself braver and less of of a push-over

name 3 things that make you happy

Music, drawing, walking in nature

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

Nope. Not even kinda.

favourite thing about the day?

Being on the bus to and from school. I'm not at school or my house and I get to talk with my friend.

favourite things about the night?

Nobody bothers you. You are left alone for hours on end. It's the only time you get peace.

are you a spiritual person?

Nope.

say 3 things about someone you love

You're always making such shit comments about LGBT+ and minority people, and I can't say anything in retort. You make it easy to forget what a shit person you are, and I'm happy until you make one of those comments again. You're the only person who seems to care about me, even if I know that that if I were to be honest with you that'd change in a second.

say 3 things about someone you hate

You can't shut up for five seconds and give me peace and quiet. You've ruined my life in so many ways for so long. I can't wait for you to be gone.

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

Going on for this long.

fave season and why?

Autumn. Cold, but not frostbite cold. limited amounts of bugs. Pretty colours. :)

fave colour and why?

Red. No reason, just like it.

any nicknames?

Pumpkin - my father.

do you collect anything?

Yeah! Rocks and breadclips! (Random. I know)

what do you do when you’re sad?

Depends. If I'm in public, suck it up until in private. In private, cry and read fanfiction.

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

Music.

are you messy or organized?

Pretty organized.

how many tabs do you have open right now?

...17...

any hobbies?

Drawing, writing, dancing, singing, playing guitar, playing harmonica.

any pet peeves?

People with no volume control.

do you trust easily?

Not really.

are you an open book or do you have walls up?

As many walls as possible.

share a secret

No. :)

fave song at the moment?

Vulture Culture by Fangclub

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

Rendog. Idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

any bad habits?

Biting my nails.

questions I think would be fun to be asked

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

show us a picture of your handwriting?

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

what made you start your blog?

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

what scares you the most and why?

any reacquiring dreams?

tell a story about your childhood

would you say you’re an emotional person?

what do you consider to be romance?

what’s some good advice you want to share?

what are you doing right now?

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

name 3 things that make you happy

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

favourite thing about the day?

favourite things about the night?

are you a spiritual person?

say 3 things about someone you love

say 3 things about someone you hate

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

fave season and why?

fave colour and why?

any nicknames?

do you collect anything?

what do you do when you’re sad?

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

are you messy or organised?

how many tabs do you have open right now?

any hobbies?

any pet peeves?

do you trust easily?

are you an open book or do you have walls up?

share a secret

fave song at the moment?

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

any bad habits?

(this post was stolen from @teenage-mutant-ninja-freak, since it couldn't be reblogged anymore)

[harrysfolklore]

yes do the lewis fic pleaseee

short and sweet bc i promised anon i would do ittt i hope you like it

You're fidgeting with your rings - his rings, actually, that you stole months ago - when Lewis notices your knee bouncing for the hundredth time. The arena feels too warm despite your backless Valentino.

"You're going to drill a hole through the floor, love," he murmurs, leaning close enough that his lips brush your ear. His hand finds yours, warm and steady.

"Easy for you to be calm," you whisper back. "You've won eight world championships."

"Seven," he corrects automatically, making you roll your eyes.

"The eighth was robbed and we all know it." It's an old argument, one that makes him smile every time. "Besides, this is different. This is-"

"This is you about to win Song of the Year," he finishes, so confident it makes your heart ache.

You turn to face him properly, taking in how unfairly good he looks in his suit. "How are you so sure?"

"Because," he says, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, "I was there when you wrote it at 3 AM on my kitchen floor. When you called me crying because the bridge wasn't right."

"You're biased," you argue, but you're smiling now. "You have to say that. It's in the boyfriend contract."

"Ah yes, the famous 'support your controversially young girlfriend' clause," he teases, and you can't help but laugh. It's become a running joke between you, how the media can't seem to get over your age gap.

"Speaking of which, did you see that headline yesterday? 'Grammy Nominee Spotted Looking Cozy with Elder Statesman of F1'?"

Lewis groans. "Elder statesman? I'm forty, not dead."

"Ancient," you declare solemnly. "Practically fossilized."

He's about to retort when Taylor Swift takes the stage, and suddenly you can't breathe again. Lewis must feel you tense because his hand tightens around yours.

"Hey," he says softly. "Whatever happens, you've already won. Seven nominations in your first year? That's unheard of."

"I just want-" you start, but then Taylor's speaking.

"Music tells our stories," she's saying. "And sometimes, a song comes along that captures something so real, so raw, that it changes how we see love itself..."

You feel Lewis shift beside you, and when you glance over, he's already watching you with that look - the one he gave you the first time you played him this song, the one that makes you feel invincible.

"And the Grammy goes to..." Taylor's smiling now, like she knows something. "'Birds of a feather!"

The world stops. Starts. Explodes.

Lewis is up first, pulling you into his arms before you can even process what's happening. "That's my girl," he whispers fiercely against your hair. "I told you, didn't I? I told you."

You're crying already, you can feel it, but you don't care. His hands cup your face and he's beaming at you with more pride than you've ever seen - more than after any pole position or race win.

"Go get your Grammy, superstar," he says, and then he's gently pushing you toward the aisle.

The walk to the stage feels infinite. You're aware of everything - the weight of your dress, the cameras following you, the deafening applause. But mostly, you're aware of Lewis in the front row, standing and clapping like he's watching the love of his life win Song of the Year at the Grammys (which, you suppose, he is).

"Oh god," you start, gripping the golden gramophone like a lifeline. "I wrote this song about falling in love. About meeting someone who changes everything when you least expect it."

You find his eyes in the crowd, and suddenly it's just the two of you.

"I should probably thank Formula 1 for canceling that race in Singapore, or I never would've been in that hotel bar, jetlagged and grumpy, when this absolutely ridiculous man in the most expensive hoodie I'd ever seen asked if he could buy me a drink."

The audience laughs, and Lewis is shaking his head, grinning that grin that still makes your knees weak.

"To Lewis - thank you for being the most unexpected plot twist of my life. For showing me that timing is everything, even when Twitter thinks our timing is inappropriate." More laughter. "For listening to every demo at 3 AM, for believing in me when I was just another girl with a piano and a dream..."

You're fully crying now, but so is he, so it's okay.

"For never once making me feel too young or too inexperienced, for teaching me that love doesn't follow anyone's timeline but its own. And yes, I know this speech is probably going viral for all the wrong reasons, but you taught me that sometimes the best stories are the ones nobody sees coming. I love you."

The camera cuts to Lewis, who's not even trying to hide his tears. But neither of you seem to care at the moment.

Later, after winning four out of your seven nominations, you're in the back of the car heading home. Your head's on his shoulder, Grammy in your lap, when he speaks.

"You know what this means, right?"

"Hmm?"

"Now I have to win the championship this year. Can't have you showing me up with all these trophies."

You laugh, snuggling closer. "Better get practicing then, old man."

"Menace," he mutters fondly, pressing a kiss to your hair.

[jinnie-ret]

breathe

hyunjin x reader

genre: fluff, angst

content warnings: work exhaustion

word count: 1.2k

summary: you let yourself belittle your own problems because surely they couldn't be as bad as your idol boyfriend's own ones?

requested by: @skzoologist

1K FOLLOWERS PLAYLIST 💚🖤 MAIN MASTERLIST

You always found it interesting how you were held up by a strong armour of bones; how you'd practically be jelly without them, but when your boyfriend was Hwang Hyunjin, all of those existential thoughts trickled away. Sure, those things were true, they were facts, yet he was the one to hold you up when you couldn't do it on your own anymore and you'd be lying if you said that sinking into his arms after a hard day of work didn't also turn you into jelly. To tell a long story short, you lived and breathed Hyunjin and him, you.

Almost instinctively, he could tell something was wrong the minute, no, the second you hobbled in through the freshly painted, front door of your new home. The two of you had only recently moved in, so with the combination of unpacking your joint array of various possessions and also going to work everyday, you were exhausted. Hyunjin had insistently reasoned with you that you didn't have to wake up early in the tiresome mornings to work. He could cover it. That didn't sit right to you. It didn't feel fair. You wanted to start this new chapter of your lives as equals, wanting to contribute and provide too.

"Baby, you're back!" Hyunjin's soft voice cooed as he immediately encased you with his long limbs. Just like that, you were putty in his hands. He brought such comfort to you, such a warmth that he could melt the ice caps.

"Hyune," you simply said his name whilst burying your face into his neck. The small exhale of air as you sagged against him told him everything he needed to know in confirming if he was right or not. Something had to be wrong.

"What's wrong, darling?"

"Nothing's wrong."

Liar, he thought. Before he could press you further, however, you were reluctantly leaving his arms to crouch down and unbuckle the boots you had worn that day, a wince forming on your face as you did.

"You sure? Why you scrunching up your nose like that, baby?" Hyunjin's tone remained delicate with you but you didn't mind it. It didn't feel demeaning, it was comforting considering the people you had been around today. He rubbed careful circles into your shoulders, keeping contact with you as you stood back up and looked at the floor unsurely.

"I'm fine," you sighed, huffing as you pushed some hair out of your face.

"I already know that you've had a hard day," Hyunjin let out a sigh of his own, bringing up a hand to caress your cheek. It grabbed your attention and your eyes to met his.

"Did my manager call or something? Why would they tell you? I'm honestly doing perfectly well," you groaned, the frown on your face disappearing as quickly as it came with Hyunjin smoothing out the furrow of your brows.

"Not because of your manager, but because I know you," he led you into the kitchen, making you sit down whilst he filled up a glass with some water.

"Thanks, Jinnie," you mumbled before taking a few sips. The rush of ice cold water through your body should have alerted you to letting your walls back up like you usually did, but your boyfriend had always told you to be honest with him and that you could be, so there was no stopping you now.

"I've been really tired recently and going into work should feel good for me with having the routine but I think I'm finding it... tricky?"

As you spoke your thoughts and feelings, Hyunjin listened intently from next to you, a hand resting on your arm as to not overwhelm you too much. His fingers caressed the skin that he could reach beyond your sleeve.

"You always say 'tricky', baby, but how do you really find it?" Hyunjin spoke up after a moment.

"Umm, well, I do find it tricky... Like, it's difficult. It's quite possibly wearing me down a bit," you admitted, rubbing your forehead with your thumb and index finger, trying to soothe the impending headache you've been getting every evening this week so far.

"Oh, baby... you'll be okay," Hyunjin pressed against you, hands cupping your cheeks and wiping away some stray tears you didn't even notice had made their appearance, "Let's go cuddle, yeah? That always seems to help."

He had lit a candle in the bedroom, the orange glow setting a calming hue across the bedroom walls. You had never been happier than the decision you had made in unpacking the bedroom as a priority, being able to snuggle beneath the shining, silky sheets. Face to face with you, your boyfriend stroked your hair with one hand, the other resting on your lower back.

"Talk to me, baby," Hyunjin began.

"I already have," you groaned, shutting your eyes.

"There's something else, I can tell," Hyunjin murmured.

"Isn't."

"There is."

"Ughhhhhh."

"Flopping about like a fish won't get you out of this, baby" Hyunjin giggled, arms wrapping around you tighter to cease your random movements.

"Fine. It's just, I can't just stop going to work, Jinnie," you chewed your lip as you paused, "I don't even do as much as you do as an idol and I end up tired and complaining. It's not fair to you."

"Is this why you hold back so much with these things? Because you keep making comparisons?" Hyunjin frowned, "Baby, I'm not going to make it a competition and tell you that I'm more tired or tell you that you don't work hard. I can tell that you do, I see that every day."

"You don't see me at work though-"

"That's not my point," Hyunjin whined, smacking you on the arm playfully.

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh'," he giggled at your blank face.

"I just want you to rest and relax. We'll take a nap, have a nice dinner and then enjoy the weekend, how's that sound?" Hyunjin kissed you on the forehead for a couple of seconds, relishing the feeling of holding you so dearly.

"It's the weekend?" your eyes widened ever so slightly despite the sleepy haze that had taken over.

"You're so silly," Hyunjin giggled lightly, shuffling closer to you and lifting you so that you could rest your head on his chest. Once again, that light, airiness returned to you as well you could think about was him. Not about work or any other worries that entered your mind. They had floated away just as easily as you did into a peaceful sleep, not needing that strong armour to hold you up in this moment. You were safe, loved and cared for whenever you were around Hyunjin and that's all you needed.

tagged: @linoalwaysknows @royal-shinigami @jolly04 @turtledove824 @yangbbokari @thisrandomgoofy15 @lieslab @hannamoon143 @arumlilyeclipse @skz-streamer @kiraisastay @katzline @kiwihrt @arloo00 @dunno-wut-to-do @splat00z @his-angell @2minstan @skzoologist @lovingchan @atinyniki @writingforstraykids @lilmisssona @astraysimp @lixie-phoria @theo4eve

[channieskies]

L O S E R [HJS]

♫ Pairing: Han Jisung × Reader [F] ♫ Summary: His father disapproves of his life choices, and it subsequently causes a rift between the two of them. Jisung only has one person he feels he can rely on, his best friend. With hopes of becoming one of the biggest rockstars that ever lived, he embarks on a journey to fulfill his life dreams. Will he make his dreams come true with his friend by his side, or will he even sacrifice friendship to live out his fantasy's? ♪ WC: 19.7k [READING TIME: 40-60 MINS] ♪ AU: Highschool, Rockstar ♪ Genre: Angst, Smut, Fluff (adjacent), Friends to (??) ♪ Nets: @neverendingdreams-net & @mirohs-aurora-society ♫ A.N: I started writing this over a year ago (Nov 2023) and I've been writing on it little by little since then. When the "Hold My Hand" mv came out, I got burst of inspiration I needed to finish this. I took a while to finish, but it's here. This has not been proofread. Please reblog and leave a comment to let me know how you feel. I'd love a little feedback. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it. Special thanks to @therhythmafterthesummer thanks for rooting for me with this one. I don't think I could have finished it without your encouragement. Dividers by @saradika-graphics ♫ Disclaimer: This story does not reflect the real lives or personalities of Stray Kids. I do not know them personally. This is purely a work of fiction. ♫ Warnings: MINORS DNI! This post contains nsfw material. Please do not interact with it if you are under the age of 18. Unprotected sex (Be safe and wrap it up. This is fiction, a controlled narrative. I make the rules. Life isn't that simple, so be safe), creampie (semi), cum shot, slight degradation (male receiving), slight femdom/sub (male) dynamics, choking, cum play, cum eating, spiting, hair pulling (male receiving). Do not translate or repost here or on other sites. This chapter contains use of explicit language.

Loser, 외톨이, 센 척하는 겁쟁이 못된 양아치, 거울 속의 넌 Just a loser, 외톨이, 상처뿐인 머저리 더러운 쓰레기, 거울 속의 난, I'm a...

The words resounded in the back of Jisung's mind as he continued to feel the kicks and punches from his classmates. See, with him, you either liked him or you didn't. Sadly, there didn't seem to be an in-between. There was no indifference and there didn't seem to be many that liked him, either. He had a handful of acquaintances, but only one good, true friend. She was the light of his life, that and music. In times like this, when he was beaten and battered, cast out, and torn down by the world, he knew that if he just held on, she'd be there. 

There to comfort him, there to lift him up, there to hold his hand and tell him that it gets better. That's what he had to hold on to, “it gets better.” The promise of that alone gave him enough hope that he'd get through these tumultuous teenage years and one day look back at this and consider it a learning experience. Just something he could mark off as a growth exercise. At least that's what he hoped. He hoped to turn all the shity life struggles into art. His words, his life, his voice. He refused to be a loser.

Jisung wanted nothing more in life than to play his music for the people who appreciated it. For the most part that meant that he was playing it for a crowd of one, you. But he didn’t mind if the venue wasn’t fancy, or if it was just one person taking in the songs that he performed. Just the look of pure joy on your face from listening to his voice, gave him enough hope that one day he could do this on a larger scale. He just hoped that you would be one of the smiling faces when he looked out at the crowd.

_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲

Prestige, influence, wealth. Was that really something worth betting your life and sanity on? According to his parents it was absolutely worth it. Those things were the reason the Han's were where they were in life and they would bite their tongues and die before ever going back to being poor and worthless. At least that's how his father saw things. “Jisung, you have to listen to your father. All he wants is for you to have a good life. Not waste it away-”

“Id waste away staying here. Mom…” He stopped throwing things in his bag to hold his mothers hands, to look her in the eyes. He wanted her, if no one else in this house, to understand why he had to leave. It wasn't about the constant fights with his father, or even the fact that he just couldn’t and probably would never live up to what his older brother had become. He wasn’t built for the life that his parents had set up for him. It physically pained him to even think of himself trapped in the box of boring, yet successful, that his parents wanted to fit him into.

No, he just felt unfulfilled, dead inside. He was slowly rotting away with every breath he took under the rule of his fathers thumb. “I can't let him dictate what should and should not make me happy. Music is everything to me, you know this. So please, just let me go. You know I can't survive here.” He dropped his head, looking at the floor, “He'll kill everything about me.. until there is no use in being alive.” He had made up his mind. Despite the comfort that being home provided him, he’d rather take his chances out on the streets than endure one more moment trapped inside of this amenity filled mansion.

His mother gasped. Just the thought of her baby not being on this earth anymore, crushed her. She pulled her son into a hug for what might be the last time. “There is money in my purse, take that with you. Okay?” She grabbed his face, taking in her son's features. She caressed his chubby cheeks and placed kisses on both. “I love you. Forever and always.” The front door slammed downstairs, alerting them to his father's arrival. The panic set in on both his and his mothers faces.

Oftentimes Mr. Han seemed like he hated Jisung, his own son, just like he hated people who weren't in the same social economic class as him. They had no drive or ambition according to him, no will to make their life better, to be better. As if people didn’t fall on hard times, or suffer from any mental illnesses, making it hard for them to keep a job. He was a hypocrite. Jisung’s grandfather didn’t keep a steady job for years, and the jobs he had were very low income. He provided for his family as best he could, but apparently people like that were scum to Jisung's father. Being poor and struggling were things that his father had long left behind. Along with things like passion, empathy, and even love.

“HAN JI SUNG! GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT.” Jisung's heart quickened with the sound of his fathers angry, booming voice. His anxiety was starting to kick in, his breathing picked up, just as his extremities started to lightly shake. He had to have heard about Jisung's outburst in school today, which resulted in the cops being called to his prestigious catholic high school. With his fathers position in the Mayors office, of course this news made it to him. The police probably went and told him the news themselves. This wasn't going to be good. 

“Go out the back, I'll distract him.” She kissed his forehead and headed down the stairs, swiftly. Jisung stuffed all the clothes he could into his duffle, and started out the door, just to stop in his tracks. Next to his bed was a picture of him and his best friend. The one person who could get him through anything. From breakups and heartbreak to bouts of depression, they had been through almost everything together. He grabbed the frame and carefully stuffed it into the bag. 

“I know he's here! Move out my way woman!” He pushed past his wife, physically moving the small woman out of his way. Jisung could hear his fathers heavy footsteps as he made his way up the grand staircase in the foyer. Panic began to flow through the young boy's body. Making sure the coast was clear, he headed out into the hall from his room. The nearest exit of sorts was way at the end of the hall, two whole bedrooms and a bathroom away from his little corner room upstairs. 

He wasn’t much of a runner, even if he was considered to be quick, but he put all of the techniques he’d learned in physical education to work, sprinting down the hall. He made it to his brother's old room and out onto the balcony. Even though he was deathly afraid of heights, this was his only option, if he wanted to escape. It was fight or flight, and he was sure if he tried to fight his dad he’d die. His dad was filled with rage at the current moment and that did not bode well for Jisung. All he could see over the edge was the garden that bordered the pool. 

His mothers pretty array of hibiscus flowers and the cherry blossom tree that sat not far from the window, well manicured and perfect, just like everything else in the Han family’s life. He could hear his father nearing closer, his booming voice filling the large halls and bouncing off the walls, even with the constant pitter patter of his fast beating heart. It was now or never. He closed his eyes, the voice of his best-friend rang through his head, “You can do anything you put your mind to, Ji.” It was like her words gave him wings. That was all the reassurance he needed. 

Just as his father burst through the door to his brother's room, Jisung took the leap. He landed on the bushes below with a loud thud. His father's head peaked over the balcony. “You better stay right where you are, young man.” There was a small tinting of something else besides anger and disdain on his fathers face. 

But Jisung didn’t have the time to try and decipher it as his father made his way back into his brother’s room. No, if he didn’t want to face whatever was coming his way via his fathers slightly justified anger, he needed to go. Jisung hurried to his feet, running out the back gate of their sprawling mansion grounds, never to look back again. 

_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲_̲

“Shit…” He'd been roaming for hours now. The afternoon had turned into evening. The beautiful blue tinted sky shifted into pinks and purples and now it was just pitch black. He had nowhere to go. His feet hurt, his stomach hadn’t stopped grumbling since he got a few miles away from home, and he was terribly tired. Then there also was the fact that he had stupidly left the money his mother wanted him to have, right where she told him it was. He was broke and homeless. Not the best combination at the young age of eighteen. But most had survived worse. At least that's what that weird side of youtube and tik tok said. He was sure he would make it too. At least that's what he hoped.

He walked aimlessly until the streets started to look familiar. The houses were smaller than the ones in his- well his parents neighborhood, but that didn’t make them small. The mini mansions had long curving driveways and tall fences to keep the riff raff out. Well, guess you could say he was the riff raff now. 

He was a delinquent with an extensive record. Trespassing, disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace, failure to disperse, affray, unlawful assembly, and resisting arrest, the last two were tacked on today. The other charges had been adding up since his fifteenth birthday. The only reason he was a free man was the simple fact that he was a Han. He knew that, and it ate away at his core.

Well manicured lawns with expensive cars in the park. This was your side of town. Your family was quite well off as well, just in a different way. Building on the wealth that your maternal grandfather had built for your family. Your parents weren’t as power thirsty as his father was. But that wasn’t saying that they didn’t take your future success in life very seriously. They did. Your schedule was often packed to the brim with extracurriculars and volunteering, just to make sure that your high school resume made it easier for you to get into a good university.

He recognized your street name and he took off in a sprint. Trying to hurry his way to your house. He needed to see you. He needed reassurance for you that he did the right thing by running away. Because without your words of encouragement, he doubted he’d be able to survive the night, let alone live like this. He’d just have to tuck his tail between his legs and go back home to receive whatever punishment his father deemed appropriate. He had nearly a block to go when the familiar sound of sirens and the look of security lights stopped him in his tracks. “Where are you headed to, son?” Jisung sighed. He didn’t need this right now.

“My friend lives on the next block.” 

The guard got out of his car and approached Jisung, an uncertain expression on his face. He didn’t even attempt to hide it. The round and nearly bald, older man looked Jisung up and down, eyes doubtful of his story. “Right, and what is this friend's name?” The man pulled out an iPad with a list of residents in this large subdivision. 

“Y/l/n, Y/n. She lives with her parents…” He sighed, “Dr. And Mr.'s Y/l/n.” Jisung peered over the tablet to see if he could find you, only to find the guard way too immersed in a game of candy crush. “Seriously?” 

The security guard cleared his throat and tapped out of his games screen. “What was the name again?” with an exasperated sigh, Jisung told him your information again. He quickly contacted them, stepping away from Jisung to talk. 

“Yes, good evening. This is Sheldon with Rutherglen Security. I was out on patrol this evening when I spotted a young man out on a run with a duffle bag. When I stopped him he informed me he was trying to go see the daughter of this residence..- ah, his name?” He looked back at Jisung who was impatiently tapping his fingers on his jeans as he stood in the middle of the road, bag strapped across his chest. “What’s your name, kid?”

“Jisung. Han Jisung.” The man nodded and looked away again.

“Jason? Han Jason- Oh okay. I'll make sure to drop him off expeditiously.” He hung up and turned to the boy again. “I guess your story adds up. Get in. I'll drop you off.” He said nothing more and made his way around the tiny smart car, getting in. Jisung eyed the vehicle apprehensively. The window slowly rolled down, “On with it! I don't have all night.” 

The ride was short, he was nearly a block away when he was stopped. The gates to the driveway opened, revealing the lit up rounded pathway that led to the cream colored, French style home with black accents. It was traditional enough not to stick out, but still had a bit of modern flare to it. Truthfully, Jisung always thought your parents were like their house. Vocal, but both vocal enough to rock the boat. 

Some of their opinions didn’t line up with the traditional values of the overall community of Rutherglen, and he admired that. The security guard parked right in front of the house. Jisung could see someone jogging down the staircase inside. The lights in the house lit up with motion, so it made sense to him. The wooden door swung open to reveal a very winded girl, dressed in a band tee and bicycle shorts. 

“Haven't you gotten yourself in enough trouble today?” You rushed out before he could even unbuckle his seat and open the door. “Thank you so much…” Your eyes met the security guards as you leaned into the open window.

“Sheldon.” The security guard nodded.

“Sheldon. Thank you so much.” You opened the door for your friend only for Sheldon to speak up again.

“Excuse me, but are your parents home? I need to go over this with them.” You ushered Jisung out of the car and closed the door, leaning on it as you peeked your head in once again.

“My father is away at a medical conference and my mother is in the Maldives on vacation after major surgery, neither would like to be disturbed. But if you want to hear what my dad sounds like when he's angry, you can give him a ring.” Your voice sounded so sweet, but threatening at the same time. Like honey with the sting of a ghost pepper.

“Ah- no, that's fine. I'll just send them a write up. Have a good night.” He cranked the car back up. “And son, try to stay off the streets at night. You looked like you were up to no good.” 

Before Jisung could answer you interjected, “He will, no worries. Have a beautiful night, Sheldon. Stay safe out there.” With nothing left to say, you pulled your friend into your house and up the stairs to your room. As if the two of you weren't alone, you closed the door. “What they hell, Ji? Your mom called me worried sick, saying you'd gone off and run away. What the hell?” You hissed. You paced back and forth, mind racing.

He sighed, letting the bag he had bared the weight of for just a few hours, fall from him. He was tired and it hadn't even been a day yet. “I.. I couldn't take it anymore. I just knew what he was going to say. What he was going to tell me. How he was going to lay into me for not being good enough. How disappointed he was. How much he wished I could be more like my brother. I just… I couldn't deal with it anymore. He already thinks I'm a failure for not making the grades my brother made. But now I'm even more of a failure.” He plopped onto your fluffy purple bean bag that was situated in your reading nook. 

“Music is to be listened to, not pursued, according to him. I shouldn't entertain these ludicrous fantasies. You know where he took me the other day? To the unhoused encampment near the city center. He told me I'd end up there if I didn't listen to him and do as I was told.” He looked dejected and you wanted to do nothing more than to hold him and tell him everything will be alright. “I guess I just… beat him to the punch.” You sighed, your heart broke for him. He didn't deserve to be treated like that, no one did, really. But especially not Jisung.

“You aren't unhoused, just yet. Tomorrow, I'll skip school and we can look around to find some place to rest your head. Until my parents get back, you can stay here with me. I could use the company.” You could feel a bit of the burden lift off his shoulders and for the first time in a very long time, you saw him smile. He needed this pep talk more than you knew. It made his heart feel a little bit lighter knowing he wouldn’t be navigating this big change in his life without you.

“You know, I don't know what I'd do without you.” He stood unexpectedly and crossed the room to you, pulling you into a tight hug. “You're the best.” You could feel he meant it as he melted into you. He really didn't know what he would do without you. It sounded cliche, but you were literally the wind beneath his wings, his better half. Without you there was no him. He would have come crashing down to earth long ago if it wasn't for you. Your encouraging words always kept him uplifted. Your support always made him strive to be the best at whatever it was he was trying to pursue this week. You were his everything. 

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The next morning you woke up as early as you would for school. You were the top of your class, in line to be valedictorian. They might miss you today, but that didn’t matter as long as you made sure that your best friend was taken care of. Jisung had been there through the worst years of your life. He was quite literally your only friend. The only one who cared enough to stick around when it seemed that everyone in the world turned their back on you, just because the glitter of popularity seemed too tempting to say no to. 

In your freshman year of school your long time best friend Michelle, someone you'd known since babyhood, decided that her popularity over summer break wasn't worth losing. She'd hit puberty and filled out, so that made her popular with older boys. She couldn't take being seen with a “flat chested loser,” like yourself. She acted as though you hadn’t been friends all your lives. She started ignoring you, and the kicker, started rumors that you were doing sexual favors for the grades you were receiving. She knew better, you'd tutored her the summer before, just to make sure she'd have an easy transition into high school. Maybe you should have let her flounder.

You met Jisung during your summer vacation that same year. It was fate, really. You found out he'd moved around a lot before his family decided to settle in Rutherglen. His father had political aspirations, and this would be the perfect place to put down roots and start the career he always wanted. The way he described his folks almost sounded like how yours were. Father with big aspirations to be something better than what his father was. Mother who cares, but will ultimately side with the father. Plus you both had siblings. His older brother that was amounting to big things in life and your younger brother, two years your junior, who was the love of your mothers life. 

You bonded on your love of anime and rock music. Even your views of the world seemed to align. You spent every waking hour with that boy. You exchanged numbers and the rest was history. You'd been inseparable since. So giving up a few hours or days to help your one and only best friend, no matter the circumstances, was absolutely necessary. 

The boy slept like a log. But you understood, he had a hell of a day the day before. He got arrested for staging a protest on campus grounds for LGBTIQ+ rights, which wasn’t the smartest move to make on the campus of an ultra conservative Christian school. His stances went against the school's clear directive, that gay relationships were blasphemous and against all of their beliefs. And though you agree with him, that love is love and should be accepted as such. You knew it would ruffle too many feathers, especially if he didn’t go about it the right way. 

The protest was a mess. He had only managed to get a few students on his side, and they mostly backed out right before the protest was set to begin. The signs the both of you stayed up to make were torn by the kids that liked to ridicule you and bully Jisung. Then when asked by the headmaster to disassemble, Ji stood ten toes down and even cuffed himself to the door that led from the courtyard and into the school. That's how the cops were called. Then he ran away from home. On top of all of that, he almost got detained on his way to your house. 

He deserved to sleep as hard and as long as he wanted. But time was of the essence and him finding at least a roof was imminent. Jisung sounded like a vacuum cleaner as he snored. His mouth was wide open. One leg was under your mattress, how it got there you didn't know and you certainly weren't going to ask. The blanket was wrapped around him like a cocoon and both his hands were stretched above his head like he was superman.

You'd say he looked like a boy with no problems, that was if you didn't know any better. He had plenty of problems. Ones that needed to be handled immediately, you had a “parents are coming home any day now" , type of deadline. You shook him, “Ji, wake up.” He groaned, body flailing a bit. You sighed heavily. His mother told you once that the dead would wake up before she would be able to wake up Jisung in the morning. You could see why she said that now.

“Five more minutes, please?” He pouted in his sleep. The morning sun in its dusty blue haze was starting to peek through the curtains, you needed all the daylight you could afford. 

“No. Get up!” You smacked his chest right over his nipple and he jolted up with a yelp, hitting his head on the ledge of your nightstand. He knocked your lamp over, making it fall to the ground with a hard thud.

“Ow! Why, Y/n?” His pout deepened as he rubbed his head. He looked at you like you’d told him you no longer wanted to be friends. Maybe it was part of his sadness from yesterday that was seeping into the look he was giving you. You didn’t know, but you also didn’t like it. You never wanted him to be sad. To you, he deserved nothing but unadulterated joy. You thought he looked the most handsome when he smiled and nothing else should ever be painted across his lips.

His other hand moved to the spot you smacked, rubbing it while still rubbing the spot on his head. You snorted as you took in the sight, but quickly covered it with concern, seeing that he really was in pain. “I- I'm sorry Ji, I didn't mean to startle you. I just need you up so we can get started. Let me see, yeah?” You moved his hand and inspected the area that had hit your side table. You couldn't see any significant damage past his hair. You kissed the general area. “There. All better?” 

His face heated up, immediately. His thoughts rushed to anything impure he could think of at the moment. He couldn’t help that he was touched starved. He hadn’t had any action since his ex-boyfriend, Minho, graduated over a year ago. Plus, he hadn’t quite come to terms with his new found -okay, maybe they weren’t new and he’s loved you since he first met you,- feelings. Jisung kept his head turned away from you, afraid you'd see the blush that had tinted his cheeks.

“Mhm.” He nodded. Keeping his response simple. He didn’t want you to see his face and use that big brain of yours to figure out just what thoughts plagued his mind about you.

“Well come on, let's get dressed and eat so we can find you some place to stay for a while.” 

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Your mother had been a real estate agent for the past twenty years. She was one of the highest grossing real estate agents in the state. Her vacant properties -which she had plenty of- were what you were going to start with. You'd have to pay extra careful attention to what ones hadn't been looked at in a while and make sure to keep whichever one you settled on that way. “What about that one?” Jisung pointed to a listing of a single family home that was a town over.

“Neighbors would notice. You wouldn't want to be arrested for squatting. I’m sure your dad would love that.” You kept scrolling as he looked over your shoulder, leaning on his hand that was on your arm rests. “It needs to be some place close enough to where I could get to you in case of emergencies, but far enough away from others so they won’t be suspicious.” You chewed on your lip. 

Jisung tried to keep his eyes to himself, but something about the way you looked when you were in full concentration always made his heart flutter. He sighed wistfully. Before all of this happened, he had plans to ask you to be his date to prom. He hoped that if the night turned out well, that he would ask you to be his girlfriend. But he went and fucked things up. His dad did always say he was a good for nothing fuck up. Maybe there was a bit of harsh truth in his words.

“Oh just be honest with yourself, you'd miss me too much if I went too far away.” He chuckled, clearing out his dark thoughts with a joke. Little did he know, he was right. In the four years you'd gotten to spend time with him, even vacations away from each other seemed like torture. Your mother commented once that she'd,

‘Never seen two people who weren't in love, be so attached at the hip. You can’t find one without the other.’ You supposed she was right. A bond like the one you and Jisung had was rare. You considered him your soulmate, your person. So, no, you didn't want him to be too far away. You honestly didn't think you'd be able to handle that. It’s also a part of the reason you were afraid to open any of the letters you’d received from prospective universities. You wanted to stay close to home, but your parents insisted you leave the state, to do and see more. You thought you’d seen enough through traveling and would be just fine close to home and Jisung.

“Don't flatter yourself.” You rolled your eyes to sell the act you were putting on. “Someone has to keep you out of trouble.” 

He scoffed, “Your delusions are getting worse each day. You do realize you're like zero for three at this point, right? I got arrested, expelled, and I'm homeless, and that's all from one day!” You rolled your eyes so hard it was surprising they didn't just roll out of your head.

“How is that my fault? Before the protest I told you to talk to the headmaster to get permission or at least someone on faculty to let them know, but you didn't. You could have talked to the civics teacher, I'm sure she would have happily let us protest. Then when asked to disband, you laid into things harder as if the lack of permission wasn't bad enough. It was for a good cause, yes, but you have to know your limits. You cuffed yourself to the door, Jisung. Like, Seriously?! Then you resisted arrest… I have no words to express how stupid that was. So it's no wonder you got expelled, you broke multiple school rules and managed to get arrested, again.” 

You shook your head. You weren’t disappointed in him, you’d leave that to his father. But you did feel he could have gone about things a little differently. “You didn't even bother telling me that you were running away. We could have planned for this. I could have done something to help before you packed your bags. Least you could have done is let me pick you up.” His arms moved from the arm rest to wrap around you. 

He knew he had you worried, just by the way your eyes looked when you came outside. But his mind was in disarray last night. As soon as he walked in parents house yesterday afternoon he could feel all of what was going to come down on him when his father came home. It was like his mind's eye was open and he could see the immediate future. Said future was telling him he needed to run. That he needed to get out of there before his life ended in that stupid house.

“You can be so annoyingly right sometimes. But it wouldn't be very punk of me if I took the easy way out. Plus, arrest records give me street cred.” You sighed heavily and pushed him away. You couldn’t deal with his strange ideologies right now, you were trying to prevent him from being a common, unhoused, delinquent.

“You're an Idiot.” You mumbled under your breath. You didn't really mean it though. Yes, Jisung made brash, spur of the moment decisions. Yes, they resulted in him being in trouble more often than not. But, Jisung was far from an idiot. Really, he bordered the lines of being a genius. At least to you. He was honestly one of the most sincere and compassionate people you'd ever met. Plus his talent for writing, music, drawing, hell anything he put his mind to creatively, was unmatched. Just don't ask him to play sports. Now, that's when he seemed like an idiot.

“This is it!! Ji, look!” You pointed to the screen, shaking the monitor just from the force. 

“Is that… a van?” You could hear the disgust in his voice, you didn’t even have to look at his face to know his feelings. “You want me to… live in a van?” He grabbed the mouse, scrolling down the page. “There has got to be something… better… right?” It seemed like that was the last property with an actual structure on it, everything else was just land or warehouses. 

“Would you rather a tarp and a cardboard box? Because that might be your only other option.” You quickly pointed out, taking the mouse back from him. “I’m sure one of these vacant warehouses can house you. That is, if you are willing to share your space with roaches, rats, and other creepy crawlies.” He flailed at your words, throwing a small tantrum. 

“Why~ Y/n? Can't I just… stay in your basement or attic or something?” He flopped on your mom's office sofa, still kicking around.

“Because, if my father finds you, He’ll end your life and you know it.” Jisung shuddered at the thought. Your father tolerated him, he always had. He understood that the two of you were friends, but if anything other than friendship happened to spark, he’d flip. He was the type of man that thought his daughter should “preserve her innocence until marriage.” So, that meant he was constantly breathing down your throat about promiscuity and how you should wait. 

That boys, especially ones like Jisung, were not worth your time. He had even had ideal suitors lined up for you to meet during your eighteenth birthday. Someone from a good home with a promising future. Not a homeless dreamer that got expelled from school and ran away from home. To your father, the man for you could never be Jisung, and he had made that known to the both of you in one way or another.

“And he knows exactly what to give me to kill me too. He probably would donate my body to the med school too, just for good measure.” Jisung shuddered at the thought. “Damn it, I hate when you're right.” Your father petrified him. You didn't know this, and he planned on never telling you that your father threatened him the first time they met. Not the first time you introduced them, but the first time they met at the resort. 

Your father had followed you, to make sure you weren't up to anything questionable with the boy you grew so fond of so quickly. He observed from afar, until Jisung got up to use the bathroom. The man towered over the boy, his imposing figure casting a large shadow over him.

“Listen here. That girl that you're chatting up, that's my baby. And as my baby, she gets the benefit of the doubt, you on the other hand, do not. If you're thinking about having sex with my daughter, think twice.” He leaned in, getting down to Jisung's level. 

“I have friends in high and low places. If I wanted to make you disappear, all it would take is a snap of my fingers and poof, you're gone. If you lay a hand on my baby, I'll make sure that's the last time you touch anything with it at all.” It seemed that with every word he spoke he backed him further and further towards the wall, until his back finally hit it. “Keep your hands and your dick to yourself. Understand me?” Jisung nodded slowly, afraid any other action would piss your dad off. “Good.” He patted the boy's shoulder. “Now, hurry up and get back to her. You don't want to keep her waiting for too long, now do you?” Jisung felt like he couldn’t breathe until your father disappeared from his vision. He slid to the ground once the man was gone. That was the day he was glad he had a strong bladder.

So, there was no way in hell he'd be caught here. He didn't want to end up in a ditch somewhere, rotting or worse, he had dreams to fulfill. “Let me see if the lights and water are in my mom's name for this property…” You murmured under your breath. “She doesn't check when small amounts come out of her account. So, as long as you keep your usage low, you should be fine there.” Jisung sat up to look at you, now that his little tantrum was finally over.

All of his thoughts about your father had ceased. Now all he could think about was his fear of losing you. To wake up and not be able to hear your voice, or see your face. How could he survive the wild without you? “Will you come visit me?” You stopped clicking around once you heard the sadness in his voice. You quickly turned around in the office chair to face him. 

“Why would you ask a stupid question like that? You know I will. You living in a weird van can't keep me away. Even if it looks like you’d kidnap children in it.” He laughed at that, your joke lifting his spirits a little. “Now, if you were living in a cardboard box, you might not see me as much.” He kissed his teeth this time, only for you to laugh.

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“How much further is it?” Jisung asked, trailing behind you. You had to ditch the car, the trail was too narrow and overgrown for you to drive it. He hated walking long distances almost as much as he hated running. He was one of the few people who failed physical education, much to the coach's chagrin. They had stated previously that he had the potential to be a great track star. Yeah, that wasn’t remotely the kind of star he wanted to be.

“I think it's just up ahead, there is supposed to be a clearing…” Jisung had his bag and the guitar he had at your house for safekeeping. The one he had at home had been tossed out onto the drive from a second story window. You had a boatload of cleaning supplies, including a mop, bucket, and broom. This place had been abandoned for over a year and a half now, it had to be gross on the inside. 

You could hear him sputtering behind you as he swatted away bugs. “There was no way you could have survived on the outside.” You mumbled, shaking your head. If you were honest, both of you were spoiled little rich kids. Neither of you could survive, especially not without the other. “There!” You couldn't calm the excitement you felt as you saw the silhouette of the van through the trees.

“Fina-fucking-ly.” Jisung huffed, ready to at least take a seat and rehydrate himself. But you had other plans. You opened the van door, the smell of hot air whooshed past you. The pocket door revealed the small kitchen. A sink, floor to ceiling pantry and a counter with a hotplate on top and a mini fridge underneath. You climbed in first.

“This isn't as bad as I thought it would be. At least you have the basic amenities.” You nodded, crawling around on your knees, unaware that Jisung was still standing outside. Apprehension had started creeping its way into Jisung’s subconscious. All the what if's seemingly flying at him all at once. 

“What if you fail? Do you really think she’ll remain friends with a loser that is also a failure?” “What happens when you are here in the dark by yourself?” “What if no one likes your music?” “What if she finds someone else that makes her happier than you do?” “What happens when one of those picks that her father likes sweeps her off her feet? What happens to you then?”

“I don't think I can do this.” He turned on his heels, ready to head back to the car. 

“Ji, wait!” You quickly exited the van to give chase, he had barely made it back to the tree line before you stopped him. His face was red, both from the heat of walking and also from him trying his best to hold back his tears. Maybe he jumped the gun running away from home. He only had two or three months left before graduation, he could have made it that long. But here he was, in the middle of the woods, looking at an abandoned van as prospective housing. 

“If you give up now, you might as well give up on your dreams. Going back home means all of this was for nothing. You might as well throw away all the sheet music and demos you’ve made and go ahead and pick up the law books he was forcing you to read, because you will never do music again if you go back now. Do you want to let your dad win?” He stopped dead In his tracks. Leaving now did mean he was giving up. Going back home to a father that thought of him as nothing but a useless loser was not an option. It might be hard to tough it out, but it wasn’t anything he couldn't get used to. 

He sighed heavily, shoulders drooping with the harsh exhale of breath. “God, I hate that you're always right.” You chuckled. “But, I love it at the same time.” He turned to face you, taken back by the ethereal glow the backdrop of the clearing gave you. You looked otherworldly, a type of beauty that he could never fully wrap his head around. You were the type of person people wrote songs about. He wouldn’t admit it to you, but he was one of those said people. He stood there like he wanted to say something, but he just shook his head, letting the thought go. “You have to promise to come see me often. I… I can't do this alone.” You smiled brightly and he reciprocated. How could he not? To him, you had the most radiant smile. 

“Wouldn't have it any other way.” You reached for him, pulling him into a tight hug. “I'll always have your back.”

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Loneliness. That's what he expected to feel out on his own. His first night was full of it. Every little creek and bump in the night caused him to stir. Afraid that a random serial killer would happen upon his trailer and brutally kill him. Truth was, he just watched too many horror films, October wasn’t that long ago after all. Plus, the two of you loved to break tradition and watch horror and thriller in place of cheesy Christmas love stories where there was always a small town guy and a big city girl who fight their differences to fall in love with each other, while simultaneously saving the town's failing get-together spot. It was always the same trope in a different font and you both hated it. 

When a particularly loud sound pulled him from his sleep, his immediate response was to call you. He’d had enough run-ins with the cops to know not to call them when he was squatting on some middle of nowhere abandoned property. He knew that your soothing voice would be the one thing that would calm him down. It was the only thing that made him feel safe. Just hearing your voice would save him from drowning or bring him back from the brink of death.

“Mhm.” Even with just a hum he knew you had been in a deep slumber. It hadn’t even been the blaring ringtone that woke you up, it was the bright screen of Jisung doing his happy dance after trying the cheesecake you made him for his last birthday.

“Will you stay on the phone with me? It's… Kind of scary out here by myself.” He could hear you shuffling, before settling. Jisung was used to being alone; between his parents traveling for work and his brother being away, loneliness was a constant for the boy. But he knew you were always a phone call away. You’d never failed to answer his call, even if you were asleep or busy; you always made time for him.

“Have you been to sleep, Ji? It's like after four.” Your speech was still slurred, but he found it comforting.

“Yeah. But I keep hearing things.” He played with the fringe on one of the throw pillows you'd lifted from your parents' guest house.

“Want me to sing our song?” He knew you hated to sing, you felt that you couldn't. But he liked for you to sing to him, just for him. Felt like a warm embrace. Your voice was sweet and angelic.

“Please?” You chuckled softly.

Clearing your throat, you started to sing. “Wherever you are, I'll always make you smile.

"Wherever you are, I'm always by your side. Whatever you say, you're always on my mind. I promise you "forever" right now.”

He could feel himself sinking into the mattress underneath him. The worries of the day mentally melting off of him with each word you sang. You were his comfort. He closed his eyes as you continued to sing.

“Someone I can love from my heart. Someone I love from the bottom of my heart. In the center of this love. You are my heart…” 

You paused, hearing the light snoring through the receiver. You couldn't help the sleepy smile that spread over your face. “Goodnight, Ji. Love you.” You hung the phone up quickly, missing his sleep riddled reply.

“I love you too, Y/n.”

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The weeks passed by slowly, turning into months. You meant it when you said you’d visit. You were over at Jisung’s place almost every day. Even when things got a little hectic in your schedule you still made time for him. He appreciated that, he really did. But something was off with you. He felt it deep down, every time you canceled on him, or changed the subject when all he asked was a simple question. You were keeping something from him and it wasn’t anything small either. 

Jisung was sitting on the floor of his van, feet dangling out of the open sliding door, plucking at his guitar. There wasn’t much inspiration flowing as of late. Not when his mind was occupied with you and the secret you were keeping from him. He wanted to know, just wanted to come right out and ask you what you were hiding. But he knew if he was going to ask, he needed to do it gently. You’d shut down if he forced you to tell him what was up. He was so preoccupied with his thoughts he didn’t see you come out of the clearing. Not even the dry grass crunching under your sandals could pull him from deep within his thoughts.

“Ji, I think your ears are smoking. You okay?” The sound of your voice snapped him out of it. His fingers stopped what they were doing and he sat up. 

“Huh? My what are what-ing?” He moved his hand to his ear, feeling for whatever substance you said was coming out his ear, only to realize you were joking. He chuckled. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out celebrating?” His class graduated today. Instead of being out, celebrating with you and taking pictures of this great day, he was stuck in his van. Barred from coming within fifty feet of the school. 

“Are you dumb? What kind of celebration would it be if you weren’t with me?” You pulled your hand that he hadn’t realized you were hiding until you flashed your diploma. “I’m free… from well.. High School.” You chuckled. “Those last few months were tough without you, Ji. I had no one to talk to.” You sighed, but his only response was to hum.

The tension had built up in his head, his intrusive thoughts winning the ongoing battle in his head. “What are you hiding from me?” He spoke suddenly, not even bothering to look in your eyes as he asked. 

You shook the diploma cover you held in your hand, “My diploma. Is… is everything alright, Ji?” You looked at him confused. Chalking it up to maybe he’d been out here too long by himself. It had been two days since the last time you were by, you just couldn’t free up time.

“No, it’s not alright. You have been acting strange for the last month or so.” He sat his guitar down and jumped down out of the van, coming face to face with you. “You know you can trust me, so, why are you hiding something from me?” 

You thought you’d been acting normal. Trying to keep those feelings of betrayal from seeping out of your pores like bottom shelf liquor. “I…” He was right, you had been hiding something, from the fear of feeling like you’d lose him if you told him the truth. 

He sighed, frustration taking over his expression. Being a forced recluse had taken its toll on Jisung. Jisung might have had most of the things a person with an actual apartment had. He had a kitchen, albeit a small one. He had a place to sleep, and a makeshift living room. He had a sink and could go pee outside, plus a hose to hose down with in place of showers.. He had to walk a few miles to the local gym to handle other things like real grooming, so his hard on his face and the top of his head had grown out tremendously. Not to mention places you hadn’t seen.

Jisung had gotten a job in town, and used you as a reference. Now he worked the night shift at a gas station. It gave him something to do in the meantime, to help him save up to move somewhere other than this ultra conservative little town so he could pursue his dream. He had always hoped you’d get accepted somewhere cool so he could tag along and get some gigs. He always wanted to be wherever you were.

“Please, just tell me the truth.” His voice was soft. He just wanted to know the truth.

You sighed, eyes focused on the diploma in your hand. “I’m leaving.” You spoke, but you stayed planted in your spot. Jisung looked at you confused. 

“Now? Or…”

“Right before school starts. I… I got accepted into the university of my dreams…. Ji…” The sadness in your voice was palpable. The excitement hit him before the realization hit. You’d been talking about where you really wanted to go if you ever got the chance. It was in a different country, halfway across the globe. You were leaving. For real.

He took a moment. He didn’t want to seem bitter that you were leaving him. But, you were leaving him. His rock was leaving him to float away. You kept his mind grounded, what was he going to do with you gone?

“I.. I’ve been afraid to tell you. I wanted to tell you in my own way, whenever I was ready. But… It never seemed like a good time.” You were picking at a loose string on the hand stitched leather cover.

It felt like an eternity before Jisung spoke again. “You’re leaving… for uni?” You looked up, alarmed by his voice which was devoid of any type of feeling.

"What happened to us sticking together? Staying close to each other?" He frowned, "So.. you're leaving m-..?" He paused, but quickly corrected himself. "You are leaving Rutherglen?"

“Yes, in a few months.” You nodded, hoping that if you explained you had time before you went it would help him to process it better.

He was trying his best to keep all of his emotions from spilling out like an over boiling pot, but he couldn’t keep it in. “How long have you known?” 

Your brows creased into a frown. “How long have I known that I wanted to go there? You know the answer-”

He stopped you mid-sentence. “How long have you known that you were leaving? How long have you known that you were leaving me behind?” His voice came out calm, but it was the type of calm that led to murders.

“Ji- I- don't know. I just.. I wanted to tell you but I was afraid of how to say it-”

“How long?!” He snapped, scaring the both of you. You’d never witness this side of him. The shade of anger almost reminded you of his father. “Y/n.. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

You cut him off this time. “A month.” You spoke matter-of-factly. “I got the letter a month ago and I’ve been riddled with anxiety while trying to figure out how to tell you. You know this is all I ever wanted and I-”

You felt the wind get knocked out of you before you could finish your sentence. “Go.” You stopped speaking as the cold word left your best friend's mouth. “I don’t need you to stay here for my sake. I’ll be just fine by myself.” He didn’t believe the words coming out of his own mouth, but somehow, you did. You took a few steps back away from him.

He didn’t dare look at your face, too afraid it would break his heart and make it even harder to say goodbye.

He had to let you go. He knew that and you knew that. All he would be doing is holding you back if he tried to convince you to stay closer to him. He knew this was your dream and he needed to support that. Because all you ever did was support him. He felt it was finally his turn to do the same for you.

If he didn’t let go now, he definitely wouldn’t be able to a few months from now. If he didn’t rip the Band-Aid off now, the wound would never heal. “Just fucking go.” He wanted to congratulate you, tell you just how good you did. That despite all of the hurdles you faced you still came out on top. You deserved to be celebrated. But he couldn’t do that with you, not right now. Not when he was on the verge of ripping his own heart out. He let his long bangs cover his eyes so you wouldn’t look into them and see the immediate regret they held. “Why are you still standing here? GO!” 

You swallowed the enormous lump in your throat. He wouldn’t get your tears, he didn’t deserve them. You couldn’t wrap your head around why he was so upset. You wanted to tell him, you really did. But how do you go about telling your best friend that you won't be able to see them again until some miscellaneous holiday? If that. Your family had money, but you doubt they would even care enough to fly you back and forth, especially if it was just to see some boy.

“Ji, I’m sorry I wanted to-” He stopped you before you could finish by getting in the van and shutting the door right in your face. He could show you better than he could tell you that he wanted you gone. You sucked in a deep breath and turned your back on the van. It took everything in you not to turn around, you didn’t want to say goodbye, especially not like this. Jisung on the other hand, only pretended to let his anger get the best of him. He retreated to his bed as soon as the door closed. He watched silently as your back disappeared into the brush. The sadness took over as soon as he couldn’t see your back anymore. 

This was the end of the best thing he’d ever had. The closest thing he’d ever felt was close to true unconditional love.

The passage of time is a funny thing. One moment you are crying your eyes out because what you thought was your person turned their back on you. Then you traveled halfway across the world to get your degree and ended up spending four more years in another place to get your doctorate. Now you are sitting at your younger brother’s wedding rehearsal. Just who gets married at the ripe age of twenty-two? He just got the hang of legal drinking, for Christ's sake. When did he even get this big? 

Things were hectic, especially considering you were his “best man”, like he didn’t have a male friend to fill the role. You would have been perfectly fine just sitting out with your parents as a bystander. Thankfully you were pretty familiar with his friends and his soon to be husband. Plus you knew the ins and outs of his life, even if you didn’t want to. He said he trusted you more than anyone, that's why he picked you. You couldn’t say no to that, even if you desperately wanted to. 

The wedding was beautiful. His family also came from money, so they spared no expense to make sure that their ‘Lovely boy”, as they affectionately called him, got everything he wanted. That included a destination all the way in lovely Spain, Ibiza to be exact. Your parents paid for the reception, and of course, married or not, no one was going to outdo them when it came to their favorite child. They rented out a whole hotel with beautiful vistas of the Ibizan coastline. Your brother also wanted them to pay for Beyonce to come and perform, but they quickly shot that down, which you found funny. Instead He asked for another artist, one that his now husband seemed to love.

You had just finished taking a picture with the wedding party, successfully embarrassing your little brother with a big kiss on the cheek in the last photo. You couldn’t be happier for his happiness. He pulled you to the side, as the others gathered to make their entrance to the reception. “Sis, I couldn’t thank you enough for all you've done for me.” He put a hand on your shoulder, looking down at you with your mothers smile. Seriously, when did he get so big? “I know things haven't always been smooth sailing between us. I didn’t have nearly as many things to overcome, being that I'm the baby and mom's favorite after all.” He laughed and you playfully scowled. 

“But, I recognize, and I'm thankful for every sacrifice you've made as my older sibling. Without your encouragement I would have never gone to law school, which means I would have never met the love of my life. I'd still be miserable trying to remember all the fucking funky ass medical terms.” You laughed at that, the boy was struggling. He wanted to follow in your fathers footsteps, just to make him proud. But you’d convinced him that he could make him proud just by being himself and succeeding in something he actually loved. It turned out you were right, but when weren’t you? “I needed you to tell me to find something that made me happy. So, my question to you now is, are you happy, sis?” He slid his hand from your shoulder into yours. “I don’t mean with work, we all know you love your job. Dr. Y/L/n.” You smiled, but you didn’t answer the question immediately.

For years now, it felt as if something was missing from your life. But you couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. You’d been in a few relationships since you’d left Rutherglen, you’d even been engaged. You’d made friends along the way, some you were even still close to. But for the most part, nothing ever felt worth the effort to keep. Maybe it was the trauma you’d felt from all of your failed high school relationships that found a way to creep into the ones you’ve tried to make. Maybe it was just some weird void left there by the person you thought was your person. Who knows? But, you were alone. But you didn’t feel like you were lonely, per-se. You filled whatever deep well of emptiness with traveling and good food. 

Your brother gave you a look and it caused you to sigh. “I’m good. This is you and Liam’s day, Aaron. I know you want to save the world and all, but you can’t solve all my problems. At least, not today anyway.” You chuckled. It was sweet that he was concerned about you, it really was. But, you’d been trying to deal with whatever this hole was for over eight years now. You found that it was either something that you get used to, or you try to fill. You just decided to get used to it. There was no use in trying to fill the black hole left in your heart by-

“It’s time to head in, you two.” The wedding planner snapped you out of your thoughts. You smiled up at your younger brother before tugging him along to join the rest of the wedding party.

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“Thank you, Manchester!” The crowd roared as Jisung threw his sweaty and torn tee-shirt out into the pit of fans. He and his band Mortal Savages were promoting their latest album, Awkward Example, on tour. This was the last stop on the European leg of the junket, after they had toured the world. He rushed off stage as the throng of fans started to get rowdier than they already were. A small mosh pit was starting to form in the middle and he honestly wanted no parts of that. Last time they waited around while that happened, he lost a tooth and ended up with a concussion and a busted guitar. 

His assistant handed him a bottle of water as he exited the stage. “Your flight is in two hours, Mr. Han. I have arranged a private car to pick you up from your hotel and take you to the airport.” Jisung nodded, listening idly. He just wanted to unwind, before heading to this small gig he and the rest of his band had been booked for. If it wasn’t for this being a special request of a friend of a friend, he’d be headed right back to Seoul with his band.

See, Jisung had made quite a name for himself over the past eight years. After he pushed you out of his life, he picked up the pieces as best he could. Using your exit as motivation. He hoped that you wouldn’t hate him forever, that one day the two of you would reunite. But in case you didn’t, he wanted to use the little bit of light you’d shone in his life to really make something of himself. He started small, busking a few towns over in a big city.

That landed him a few gigs here and there like weddings and bar mitzvahs. As much fun as those were, he had bigger dreams. He started to post short covers on tik tok and things kind of picked up from there. He was recognized by an artist that wanted to start his own label and the rest was history. He’d found his people. He put together his own band from some people he’d met in circles while touring by himself. People who had small fanbases, but great potential. 

Hyunjin, his bassist, was a model. He played bass in his free time and had a few videos posted on his insta account of him playing. He was suggested to him by a secretary at the company. Okay, maybe suggested was a strong word. She had a crush on the bassist, so it was only natural that she suggested Jisung look into him. He did, and he loved his style. Hyunjin introduced him to Felix, his closest friend, a twitch gamer that just so happened to know how to play guitar, and had a pretty surprising set of vocal cords on him. It was only natural he asked him to join the group. 

He found Jeongin in a jazz bar of all places. The kid was a classically trained pianist whose one act of rebellion was to play jazz. Jazz. As surprising as it was, it is what almost got him disowned by his family. Jisung convinced him that if he really wanted to make his parents mad, he should try rock. Turns out, Jeongin’s dad really liked rock music.

Despite him trying to anger his parents, he actually made them proud. Go figure. All he needed to round out the group was a drummer. He found his drummer, an Aussie, on youtube, doing shirtless rock remixes of popular r&b and pop songs. The dude was so undeniably cool he called his manager that night to ask him to find this dude. By the time he woke up the next morning, Chris was on a plane to see him. 

They somehow all clicked, becoming a band of brothers in a matter of months. He couldn’t see his life without these guys now. Jisung was relieved when the door closed behind him in the dressing room. He needed to tune out all of the noise. He hated being alone with his thoughts, they seemed overwhelming at times, but after a set, it seemed to be the one thing that comforted him. He flopped in a chair, directly in front of a vanity, taking in his reflection. 

So many things have changed over the years. He changed his hair a few times, it went from short to long and back again. He recently grew it out, opting to keep the long hair, figuring it stopped his face from looking so youthful and chubby. He'd dyed it several times, but it was currently back to his regular dark brown. His previously unmarred skin was now littered with various tattoos with different meanings and reasons behind them.

Most of them remind him of his past, both the good and bad. Without those moments, he wouldn’t be who he was today. He ran his fingers through his damp fringe, sighing. He had no time to reminisce about ancient history, he had somewhere to be in a few hours and needed to gather his strength to get there. Jisung pushed himself up with a heave-ho and gathered up his things.

It was a quick ride back to the hotel. There were a few fans and reporters posted outside. It was just the ones who had figured out he and his band mates were staying there. His anxiety started to kick in the moment he started to see the flashes of cameras as the car came to a halt in the drop off area. He almost asked his assistant to go get his things, that he’s take care of his personal hygiene when they got to their destination.

But he group mates were already shuffling out of the SUV before he could get his bearings. Jisung felt like he was in a trance, his body moving on auto pilot. The sound had cut out, all he could hear was muffled shouting and the incessant humming noise. His face was blank, gone with any thoughts that he had in his head. There was just this tiny voice in his head telling him, “You got this, Ji.” It sounded an awful lot like his old friend. But it had been eight years and the sound of her voice was something he had long ago forgotten, no matter how hard he tried to hold on to the memory of it.

There were times when he thought he might forget her face, but social media was a constant reminder of it. It wasn’t like he was stalking her or anything . Okay, maybe he was. But it was only just a little bit. He just wanted to know if she was doing well. If she’d gotten married, or made any big life changes. She’d changed a lot too. Her style had changed, as well as her hair a few times. But the thing that stayed the same was her smile. It was the thought of her smile that kept his feet moving as he made his way into the hotel. The sound came back in as the cool air of the hotel lobby hit his face. He breathed a sigh of relief. Thankful he didn’t have another episode like he did a couple weeks ago. He fainted from anxiety and it made front page news, much to his chagrin.

“Alright, everyone go get your things. We will meet back here in forty-five.” His manager spoke after rounding up the band and their staff. It wasn’t much time, but he was glad he’d get at least a few minutes to himself before heading out again into the sea of people waiting for him. The elevator ride up to their floor was filled with eventful conversations between the members and the few staff that took the ride up with them. Jisung would throw a smile or a nod around occasionally, but was otherwise disengaged. His mind was filled with thoughts about his family. How his brother and his wife had welcomed their second child, a little boy with round chubby cheeks just like his uncle. He hoped that his brother would be a better father to the second born child than their father was to him. 

Even though they had since then made up. Jisung knew it was only due to him being a ‘success’, rather than his father truly being sorry for all of the pain he’d caused him. It took a lot of therapy and lyric writing for him to even be remotely open to talking to his father. If it wasn’t for mis mother practically begging him to forgive the man, he would have never even considered it. Turns out that the youth vote can be boosted when your son is a super popular rockstar. Just have said rockstar pose in a few pictures with the mayoral candidate with the same name, and your political career might take off.

He didn’t fault his father for it. He'd worked hard to get his career to that point. There was nothing wrong with booting your votes with a pretty well-known artist. Especially when that artist is your child. His father actually sat him down amidst their reunion and told him that the only reason he treated him like that was because he saw too much of himself in him. That he once had aspirations to be a rock star, that he almost made it. Him and his band had signed a record deal and everything. But things fell through and they ended up having to pay back the company for the debt they had incurred. He just didn’t want that life for his son. He also admitted that he may have gone about things the wrong way, not recognizing the same stubbornness in his son that he once had.

The ding of the elevator brought Jisung out of his thoughts. He separated from his members as he pushed his door open after using the keycard to get in. He was back to his thoughts, now his brain now blotted with thoughts of you. He missed you, dearly. How your lips curled when you smiled. How your hair smelled when you hugged him in the mornings before class. How your sleepy voice sounded. How out of everyone, you gave him the most strength to make it day to day. How a chance encounter was the reason you two became friends in the first place. Even down to how you were his person. 

Even years after seeing you last, you were still his person. He had a feeling you would always be. Countless hit records were written about you and he'd keep writing about you until he couldn't write anymore. His muse. His first true love. His person. The lov- “Aren’t you Han? From Mortal Savages?” His door barely clicked open when he heard the high pitched vocal fry of what he assumed was one of his fans. He sighed. If he hadn’t been caught up in his thoughts maybe he would have seen her and possibly avoided all of this. He quickly closed the door, knowing all too well how some fans could be and he didn’t want to take that chance.

He turned to her with a smile. “Yeah. What can I do for you, beautiful?” He’d learned from Chris that sometimes you had to pacify the fans with a compliment, make them feel special. It made them come back.

Her eyes lit up at the compliment. “I- I was hoping… you might invite me in.” Jisung tried his best to keep his face neutral. “I’m your biggest fan, a-and I wanted to show you just how much I love you.” Stealthily he turned on his camera to record this incident, sometimes you had to be careful with delicate situations like this. He didn’t want his career to end over a ‘he said, she said’ situation. 

He sighed again, “Look, you seem like a nice person, but I’m really tired and I don’t have much time. I have another gig to get t-”

“But your schedule says it’s clear..” She pulled out her phone to provide the evidence. 

“It’s a private event, that's why it isn’t on there.” He nodded, “I really need to get packed up so that I don’t miss my plane.” She took the opportunity to step closer to him.

“I promise I’ll make it worth your while!” She got a little louder, alarming the man even further.

“N-no thank you.” He spoke nervously. He’d had industry friends say that this happened to them all of the time, but this was a first for him. He stepped back, back hitting the door to his room. 

“I’ll be really good for you, Ji.” She pressed her body against his. Calling out the nickname that no one, but you called him. You were the only one allowed to call him that. It was either his last, first, or his full name. It didn’t have the same endearing ring when others said it. He hated how it sounded falling from other people's lips.

“Wh-what did you call me?” He stared at her blankly.

“Ji.” She smiled wide as if she had accomplished something. “I thought it was cute. Everyone else calls you Han or Jisung, so I thought it’d be nice to call you something I came up with on my own.”

The anger was rolling off Jisung in waves, like magma slowly building towards becoming erupted lava. His face stayed calm as he spoke, but every word was pointed. “Don’t ever call me that again. It’s not for you to come up with different names for me. It’s Jisung, not Ji to you. Understand?” She nodded, getting the underlined hint that he was angry. He didn’t even sound like himself.

“Now, like I said… I have somewhere to be and you are holding me up. If you want a picture or an autograph I can give that to you, but I can’t give you anything else.” She took the opportunity to get the picture, but he was sure she was going to write some whack ass caption like, “Don’t meet your idols.” Or some shit like that. He didn’t have the capacity or strength to care at the moment, he had places to be.

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Jisung was often praised for how quickly he could go to sleep. Not many people had that skill, plus the ability to sleep anywhere and not be disturbed by the loud noise surrounding him. But his alleged gift did not come in handy on the flight from Manchester to their private booking two hours and some change away. As a matter of fact, that usual gift seemed like a deterrence. He fell asleep as soon as they got on the plane, but ten minutes later he was wide awake again. He tried his best to get some rest before they touched down, but nothing helped. He counted sheep and took a swig of liquor, he even tried a sleep aid, but here he was, looking out the window as the plane touched down. It had to be his luck, right? Something was off in the universe or something. Because why was his scale tipping towards all this bad will?

Even after arriving and settling into his hotel room, sleep just would not come to him. The hours ticked by. He tried at first to see if he laid in the bed long enough if sleep would still elude him, it did. He tried to gather some inspiration, maybe pen something fantastic about not being able to sleep, the inspiration never came. So as the sun slowly started to creep over the horizon, he decided to take a walk. The beautiful vistas around this hotel were captivating, so hopefully they would provide him with both inspiration and clarity. He stood near the cliff and watched the sunrise, not noticing the woman a few yards away from him, taking in the same views. He was about to leave, hoping that seeing the sun would finally put him to sleep when he noticed something about her. The briny scent of the sea mixed with her scent and just like a care package, the breeze sent it right into his nostrils. 

Every muscle and nerve in his body froze with the familiar scent. But there was just no way. Right? His father asked him to do this favor, saying this was his wedding gift to the son of a family friend. But it never occurred to him that your family were the aforementioned family friends. His body ached to call out to you, run to you, but his mind kept him in the same position. With good reason apparently. You were joined a moment later, a man around your age coming behind you, wrapping a blanket around your shoulders before taking up the spot right next to you. Was that your boyfriend? His anxiety started to bubble in the center of his chest, his heart felt shaky. He knew a day like this would come, when he would have to face you once more. Make amends with how he broke your heart. But he never expected it to be on your family trip. He didn’t expect to meet you again in the same manner he met you the first time. Meeting somewhere tropical with your family somewhere nearby. Now he had to add in a boyfriend to the mix.

His head was starting to pound, he needed to sleep. He needed his heart to stop beating so rapidly in his chest. He needed to call this all off and head back to the comfort of his own home, to get away from the madness. “Jisung, what are you doing out here?” His eyes widened, hearing his name being called. He turned around to see his manager, dressed in his workout gear, just having come from a run. In a panic, Jisung quickly pulled the man away from the scene, hoping you hadn’t heard. Just as he ducked back into the building, you looked around in the spot he was just in, to see no one there.

It took him a while to calm down. He could still see you from his hotel room and it wasn’t helping him one bit. Internet stalking you was bad enough, now he was literally stalking you, watching you from his window like some creep. He was anxious, sleep deprived, and now he had to add scared that he’d truly lost you forever. He looked on at you and your boyfriend, talking animatedly from the window. His arm was around your shoulder, he assumed to keep you warm. Even with the blanket still around you. “What am I going to do?” He was stressed. Hair sticking up all over his head from incessantly running his fingers through it. He couldn't leave, he’d made a promise with his dad to do this in his absence. Plus his mom was somewhere around, she’d been texting him all night about how she couldn’t wait to see her precious baby. He wouldn’t be able to stomach a decision that made her sad when she was clearly so excited.

He wanted to say ‘fuck you’, to being a good son. But at the end of the day he just couldn’t. What if you didn’t recognize him? Or worse. What if you ignored his entire existence? He knew you had every right too, he did push you out of his life just because you’d hidden your acceptance to college from him. Or at least that's what he let you think. He didn’t want to be the reason you didn’t follow your biggest dreams. He flopped on his bed, tired of watching the endless flirtation and touching between you and your supposed boyfriend. He laid in the bed, draping his arm over his eyes to block out the sunlight. “Get a grip, Jisung. It’s just a performance. She’s just a girl. Just do what you came here for and peace out. It’s simple.” At least he hoped that's how things would be. He’d perform, then he and his mom would make their way to Seoul to visit some family. Simple. Easy. Right?

Yeah, things were definitely not that easy. Not for him at least. He eventually fell asleep, just to be woken up by a knock at his door. It was his mother, inviting him to be her date to the wedding. Was he a momma’s boy because he couldn’t deny her this simple task? Maybe, but how could he say no to her? That's how he ended up between his mother and your third cousin, Lilliana, both women talking his ears off as he nodded idly. Luckily the wedding was outdoors, so his sunglasses made a lot of sense. He wasn’t the only one shielding their eyes from the sun's rays. The only reprieve he felt was when the wedding march started. For the most part, the wedding party came in one person at a time. Until it came to the best men, the two of you walked in together, arm in arm. The way he looked at you sunk Jisung’s heart lower than the floor. 

You were stunning, he could understand your boyfriend’s feelings. The way the all red pants suit looked on, put everyone else to shame. Even the way your hair was pinned up, or even how simple but gorgeous your makeup looked, all of the above just complimented your beauty perfectly. He couldn’t pay attention to the actual wedding, his mind and eyes focused on you the whole time. Even if you felt his stare, you didn’t acknowledge it. He was thankful for that. He already felt like a creep from watching you this morning. Even as you walked back down the aisle, he watched you until he couldn’t see your figure anymore.

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Nerves. He stopped getting nervous before shows years ago. But here he was, pacing back and forth, chewing on his already bitten away nails. His members looked on at him, worried. It’d been a while since they’d seen him like this and even though each of them tried their best to comfort him in their own way, nothing seemed to work. The time was ticking down for them to go on stage and the dread in the pit of his stomach was growing exponentially. What if she still hates me? What if she lets everyone know how disgusting of a human being I am for treating her that way? What is this…? What if that…? He was so far into his thoughts it took an actual push from his manager to start walking.  

“Babe, I know how much you love this group and their lead singer's voice. So, using my sister's old connections, I asked his dad if he could get them to perform for our wedding reception.” Aaron spoke, holding up his champagne flute towards his husband. “So, this is Mayor Han’s gift to us for our wedding. Please give a warm round of applause to Mortal Savages!” All of the young people in the crowd went wild, most of them rushing to the dance floor right in front of the stage to get a good view. Aaron hurried to his husband's side to watch the band. But all Jisung could do was look out into the crowd, in hopes of finding you. He felt like a teenager all over again. Transported back to his audience of one. No one else mattered in this moment, not even the grooms who he was here to entertain.

He expected to see anger in your eyes, but instead was met with this inexplicable sadness. “Uh- hi.” Jisung spoke nervously. “It’s been a while since we last played a wedding, but uh- I hope..” He could see your boyfriend whispering something in your ear just for you to shake your head no. It only made him wonder what he asked. “I hope this song reaches someone out there. Because almost every song is written for or about someone. Often it's about the love that got away, other times it’s about the love you feel in the moment. So.. I hope this helps to spread the love that this lovely couple is feeling at this very moment.” He grabbed his guitar, the pick nearly slipping out of his sweaty fingers.

As the song started, he kept his eyes locked on your, not straying away from your saddened yet scrutinizing gaze. 

“지킬게 아파도 돼 네가 흘린 상처들은 감싸 안을게 이미 내게 너는 죄 너는 죄…”

You tore your eyes from him, to focus once more on your boyfriend, giving that man a soft smile. One that was once reserved strictly for Jisung. Most if not all of your smiles once upon a time were because of him, they were for him. Maybe because things were so easy back then he didn’t realize he was taking them for granted, taking you and the love you showed him for granted, platonic or not. Almost as if he couldn’t lose them. To know that the reason you were no longer a constant in his life was all his doing? Felt like a ripping stab to the heart.

“뜨거운 네가 필요해, you are my volcano…”

He was thankful that you let the song end before you excused yourself. Jisung dropped everything, practically chucking his guitar into his manager's hands before running after you. He could hear the confused claps at the reception, he knew he’d have to deal with the consequences of his actions, but those were the last thing on his mind right now. He saw the fabric of your red suit rush to the elevator, but he quickly caught it before the doors closed completely. You sighed loudly, wishing you could have vanished before he found you, but your luck was apparently shit.

“Please.. Just.. hear me out.” He huffed, arms still stretched out at his sides holding the elevator door open. You wanted to tell him no, because what was left to say? He was the one who pushed you out, not the other way around. You owed him nothing. But you gave in anyway. Truth be told, you wanted to hear what excuses he’d make for his past behavior. Because a simple apology wasn’t going to work on you, you needed to know why he pushed you away.

He silently stepped on the elevator with you. The building only had a few floors, so he needed to speak quickly. “I didn’t realize until it was too late that this was your brother's wedding. I hope you don’t think I crashed it on purpose, because that just isn’t the case. I just-”

“Get to the point, Jisung. I don’t have all night to stand in this elevator and talk with you.” You spoke coldly, eyes staring into his murky reflection on the mirrored doors. You wouldn’t even spare him an actual look. He could feel himself getting nervous all over again.

“It’s not an excuse, but in my mind, pushing you away was the best thing for you. I wanted to keep you by my side. But I knew if I selfishly asked you to stay, you would. I also knew that talking with you over the phone or facetime wouldn’t be enough. Especially not when I’d grown used to having you near. Once upon a time, one phone call was all it took and you’d be there, but how could you if you were in another country? I couldn’t deal with even the thought of it. Being able to hear your voice, but not being able to actually bask in your presence- the thought of living like that for four years killed me.” 

You crossed your arms over your chest and rolled your eyes. “But that wasn’t just your decision to make, Ji-” His nickname almost slipped off your tongue, probably a force of habit. “Jisung. We could have figured something out. But you decided our friendship wasn’t worth fighting for. You literally slammed the door in my face. It’s been eight years. Do you think I’m still hung up on how you imploded our friendship on a whim? I’ve moved on. You should too.” Your sentence ended just as the elevator dinged, the old door creaking open. “Congratulations on becoming a success, by the way. I guess me not being around paid off for you.”

Your eyes finally met his, but he didn’t like the look in them. Like you loathed the fact that he was breathing the same air as you. “I can’t.” He spoke, exiting the lift with you. “I can’t move on. I never had any intention to.” He followed after you, even after you dismissed him. You were just trying to get into your room, away from him, away from the noise. But he was persistent. He followed you in. After you didn’t push him out, he continued. 

“Almost every song I’ve written has been about you. For you. I-I hoped that one day you’d see my face on tv or hear my voice on the radio and look me up. I hoped that you’d read my lyrics or my ‘thanks to’ and realize that everything I did was so you could see me. See that I needed to push you away for both of us to grow. I needed the pain to see that my feelings for you were more than whatever platonic bullshit I had reduced them too. I needed that space to understand that what I thought was love with my exes would never compare to the love I have for you. I’ve been in and out of relationships since you walked away from my van and back into the trees and nothing, not even the biggest heartbreak has compared to the feeling of never seeing your face or hearing your voice again.”

You kept your back turned towards him as you listened. You stared out the sliding glass door and glass balcony fence that overlooked the reception area. The party was still going on, everyone was having a good time, despite the lead singer of the band being missing in action. 

“All I’ve wanted this past eight years is for you to understand that I was too dependent on you. I needed to grow up, to man up and I couldn’t do that if you were around. I had to learn to navigate life by myself without you constantly helping me out of every little fuck up. Do you even realize that that's how it was? Everytime I fucked up, you came behind me and cleaned it up to the best of your ability. I flunked a class, you spent your entire summer helping me pass it so I wouldn’t be left behind the next year. I ran away from home and you found me a place to stay so I wouldn’t be homeless. I depended on you so much that I needed to know that I could do it on my own. You needed to go to the school of your dreams so you could do the work you were clearly called to do. I know I went about it the wrong way, I realize that.” 

His voice grew closer, so you closed your eyes, hoping you wouldn’t have to face him. “You broke my heart, Ji.” It hurt him to hear you say it, it hurt even more to hear how brokenhearted you sounded. “I thought that whatever we faced in life, we’d be in it together. Until the wheels fell off. Isn't that what we used to say? Isn't that what we promised?” It was more of a rhetorical question, you were sure you both knew the answer to that question.

“Then all of a sudden I was alone. You’d iced me out. I left the country right after graduation because I couldn’t stand even the thought of running into you, seeing your fucking punchable face. I realized on the plane why it hurt so bad. Why losing you as a friend hurt me worse than losing my childhood best friend to the glimmer of popularity. It was because I loved you. I came to the fucked up realization that somewhere along the way I had fallen madly in love with my best friend. If I thought I was heartbroken before, that made it far worse.” You finally turned to face him.

“Imagine, finally being able to move on. Finally free from the burden of unrequited love, just to hear his voice on the radio.” You chuckled humorously. “To have your friends gush over how hot the lead singer of this band was. Telling you just what his voice did to them in excruciating detail.” You sighed deeply just thinking of all the things your friends said they wanted to do to him or what they wanted him to do to them. 

“To have to suffer silently while they sang his songs or shoved his content down your throat. All while you are nursing the gaping wound he left behind. To keep having to relive the moment he gutted you like a fucking fish all because he what-? Wanted to be less dependent on you?” You tilted your head back as you scoffed. “I had no one, Jisung. You were my only friend. Just like you were dependent on me, it was the same for me. I had to rebuild myself once you were gone. It took years for me to open up to people, I had closed myself off afraid I’d be abandoned by someone else I considered my friend.” He could see that you were fighting back tears. He reached for you only for you to pull back.

“That's for a friend to do. Not for some random stranger that followed me to my room.” That's when the realization hit him. This looked bad. Really bad. He'd followed a girl to her room from a party. Even if you, him, and a few party goers knew the type of relationship you used to have, that was far in the past at this point. You didn't know each other now. For all he knew, you could have had a few drinks. All it took was one out of control rumor and his career would be over. He backed up, letting his hands fall to his side.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was low, almost nonexistent. “Please, let me be that for you again. It doesn’t have to be a full blown friendship, even if I want to work my way back to that. Just- just let me be there for you, please?” Jisung cautiously stepped closer with his arms stretched. It was a slow wrap of his arms around your frame, before he pulled you in close, patting your back soothingly. You both melted into each other. He swore nothing else felt more like home than being in your arms. He hugged you tighter and you broke down, sobbing into his fuzzy cardigan.

“I fucking hate you, Ji.” You gently hit his arm as you wrapped your arms around him. He chuckled lightly, a smile spreading on his lips.

“That’s okay, I’ll take the hate. Just as long as that means one day I can get you to love me again.”

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You took a few moments to recollect yourself, deciding to return to your brother's party. You tried to convince Jisung to go ahead without you, since he was being paid to be there, but he refused. He stuck with you the whole elevator ride back down and all the way until you made it into the reception. “Where the heck have you been?” A man approached the two of you, one who you could only assume was his manager. “You just ran off stage without a word. Do you know how that makes you look?” As he laid into him, you slowly backed away, going for your escape. Only for Jisung to reach back and grab your hand.

“I- I know, Hyung. I- this is her. This is my, Y/n.” He lightly tugged you forward, showing the man you clasped hands. “This is her little brother's wedding. I’ll perform a few songs by myself to make up for my absence. You and the rest of the guys can go ahead and head out. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience.” The man looked at him skeptically before he nodded in agreement.

“Fine. I’ll see you back in Seoul in a few weeks. You have a great vacation.” His eyes traveled to you as he plastered on a warm smile. “Congratulations on getting your PHD, I know your family must be proud, Dr. Y/l/n. I know someone was.” His eyes darted to Jisung before he bowed and left to gather up the rest of the band.

“How did you even know I got my phd?” You asked, stealthily trying to pull your hand away from the death grip he had it in, but he didn’t let go. 

“I… kind of kept up with you. Mostly on my finsta account. I also might have received news from your brother. He came to confront me at one of my shows and we’ve been in contact since. Please don’t be mad at him, I asked him to keep it from you. I didn’t want you to find a way to cut off my supply. Knowing you were doing well is what kept me going.” You sent a scowl towards your brother, who must have felt a disturbance in the force. He put his hands up to say he had no choice. You’d talk to him about this later.

“I wanted to experience the milestones in your life, even if it was from secondhand stories.” He pulled out his phone, there was a photo album dedicated to you with pictures spanning from the first time you met up until your first day at your new job as a child psychologist in a nearby children's hospital. “Though I couldn’t be there, I still want to say, congratulations. I’m proud of you.” You rolled your eyes.

“So, what you are saying is… you internet stalked me for years and even pulled my younger brother into it, with a promise to sing at his wedding. Tsk tsk. Wait until the internet gets a hold of that.” You joked. The panic in his eyes before the realization was hilarious to you. “I’m joking, Jisung.” You smiled, “Thank you for being interested in my progress through life. Congratulations to you as well, Mr. Grammy nominated artist. That's amazing, Ji. It really is. I guess we really got what we wanted, huh?” You smiled wistfully. 

But the smile slid right off of Jisung's face. He got part of what he wanted. The other part was standing right in front of him, her hand in his. And as close as she was, she was still so far away. In his mind, it was all a matter of if he was going to truly confess everything in his heart, right here, right now. He was frightened that he might overwhelm you if he did.

Though he had let it slip that he loved you earlier in your hotel room, that was nowhere close to the extent of what he felt for you. He wanted to shout it from the rooftop that the woman he loved had accepted him back into her life after he’d gone and fucked everything up.

Jisung had been swept up in a whirlwind, being introduced to all of you and your brother's mutual friends. His mind being put at ease, finding out that Hangyul was in fact not your boyfriend. Even if a blind person could tell he had fallen for your charm, Jisung was glad that was just his feeling and it wasn’t mutual apparently. Not with how far you put your wedding partner in the friendzone.

Giving Jisung a kind of go ahead to wiggle his way out of the friend zone he’d finally gotten back into. He excused himself, figuring it was time to finish out this set he was kind of sort of paid for. He sat on a stool on stage, acoustic guitar in hand, mic in front of him. “Sorry for bailing out on you all earlier. I saw the love of my life running out of the wedding hall and I needed to catch her before I made the second biggest mistake of my life.” 

Your eyes widened from the crowd where you were standing next to your brother and his husband. “The first was letting her go in the first place. I was young and apparently very stupid. I pushed the best thing that had ever happened to me out of my life and I’ve regretted that decision for the last eight years, twenty-six days..” He looked at his watch, “Ten hours, seven minutes, and 13- no 15 seconds.”

The crowd looked between the two of you, fascinated by the little tale the global rockstar was telling on this modest wedding stage. “I won’t be stupid this time. I promise to cherish every second that I’m blessed to have you in my life. I love you, Y/n. I have always loved you and I always will, no matter how much time passes.” You were holding back your tears. Jisung had always had your heart and despite you trying your best to keep your walls up, afraid that he would hurt you again, they all came tumbling down with every word that he spoke. 

“So, to the grooms. I hope that the two of you continue this beautiful love affair and cherish every single second you have together. Love isn’t something we should push down and trample on, it's something that is meant to be held on to, prized, and exalted.” He cleared his voice. “So, this is for the lovers in the crowd…I hope you love last a lifetime. I hope it never fizzles or fades and burns bright for eternity.” 

He strummed the first few chords of the song, the sound immediately bringing up fond memories of you and Jisung arguing over the best version of it, The Cure, 311, or Adele’s. You were always torn between 311 and Adele’s, while he was adamant that the original was far superior. It’s as if the rest of the world faded into the distance.

Call it tunnel vision, but all you could see was him and all he could see was you. You swayed gently, the gentle sea breeze dancing across your skin just like the melody of his voice. You hummed in tune with him, heart swelling as you realized, this song was for you. He was singing it, for you and only you.

“However far away I will always love you However long I stay I will always love you Whatever words I say I will always love you I will always love you…”

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You don’t remember the exact sequence of events but something clicked after Jisung’s solo performance. Maybe it was the look he gave you that made you feel like you were the center of his universe. Maybe it was the friendly banter you shared while having a few drinks. Maybe it was the late night stroll you took down to the beach or the way he held you to keep you warm. Or maybe it was the kiss you shared under the moonlight, the first of many for the night that got you going. But whatever it was that got you here, you were thankful for whatever combination it was that had you pressed against the door of your hotel room with Jisung’s lips and body pressed against yours. The feeling of his lips on yours felt electric. 

In your youth, you often wondered how it would feel to have that plum lower lips of his between yours. What it might feel like to bite it, just wanting to see his reaction. His reaction was nothing short of mind boggling. The groan that passed his lips, caused you to groan in return. Jisung’s fingers trailed over your body, slowly exploring every inch he could. Every inch that his teenage body begged to explore even back then. Every inch that he dreamed about, steamy scenes that played behind his eyelids every night. He had to be closer to you, the absence of you in his life had left a gaping void that he needed to fill. Right here. Right now. In the very moment. His shirt was first. Tossed somewhere to the side, leaving the tattoos and muscles that he’d gained over the last eight years. Your eyes widened, distracted by the hard musculature he had developed.

Your fingers traveled from his shoulders down over his pecs, making him shiver and whimper. The sounds give you ideas that your heart didn’t want you to act on, but your mind gave you the full go ahead on. “When was the last time..” You asked, hand in the center of his chest as you guided him backwards. He looked back, afraid he would fall, but you grabbed his chin making sure he kept his eyes solely on you. You didn’t stop until the back of his legs hit the mattress, then all it took was a simple push. Jisung was at your will. His round eyes shining up at you with pure anticipation in them.

“When was the last time you had sex, Ji?” You took off your red blazer fist, tossing it on a nearby chair. Next came your vest, you slowly and methodically took your time with each button, simply because you could, but also because the only thing under it was your bra. His eyes darted around, he swallowed hard. His blood was rushing straight to bulge in his pants.

“I-I don’t know. I-it’s been a while..” He kept his statement vague, too overwhelmed by everything that was happening to pinpoint an exact date. “A year- I think. Maybe more.” You smirked, shrugging the vest off your shoulders and tossing it to be with your blazer. You reached down and grabbed his hands, placing them on the waistband of your trousers.

“Take them off.” Oh the look of panic in his eyes set your heart aflame. He was absolutely the cutest. And even though you weren’t normally one to take full control in situations like this, you were oh so looking forward to taking advantage of your dear friend's vulnerability. He was going to be your tonight. The man's trembling fingers reached for the button, almost too shaky to undo them. You were patient, running your fingers through his silky hair. It took him a few minutes, the cool cross-breeze from the open balcony window offering a little air to cool off the heat on your skin. “Panties too.” God, the way the words sounded as they entered his ears did more for him than anything ever did. He’d been waiting to hear those words forever at this point. 

His brain nearly malfunctioned when he moved a little closer to slip off your panties, your scent filling his waiting nostrils. He could explode. Would you think bad of him if he came right now? He’d promise to make it up to you. He must have been led by another power, because he would swear that he had no body autonomy at that moment. His brain wasn’t even at a functioning level that would be considered functional.

You were bare before him, lust darkening your beautiful eyes. He whimpered. “Please..” He didn’t know what he was pleading for, but that didn’t mean you didn’t enjoy hearing it any less. He was pushed back on the bed, stripped of his pants and underwear. Things were going so fast in real life, but his brain had slowed everything else down.

He barely noticed that you had straddled him and started teasing your slit with his tip. He wasn’t even aware of the noises that were loudly slipping from his lips. Jisung was in a haze, one that was carefully crafted by you, the goddess that sat above him.

The whimper that fell from his lips when you slipped him inside of you was the most orgasmic sound to have ever filled your ears. His still shaking fingers flew to your hips, needing something to ground him at this moment. His blunt nails dug into your sides as you teased his tip, letting him dip only a part of it into your entrance. “God.. please…. Please…” He begged, voice strained and whiny. 

He was definitely going to explode like this. He hadn’t even fully entered you and he was already losing his mind. He bit down on his bottom lip, eyes slipping closed as he tried to control himself. But his hips had other plans, he bucked up, pressing himself further into you and that was it, he came on the spot. The tight warmth was too much for him to handle at that moment. You pushed your hips down on him as he came, feeling the stream of cum coat your walls.

When his breathing calmed and his grip on your hips loosened, you pulled what little of him was inside of you out. Tsk’ing at the man underneath you. “Is my baby fucked out already?” You stroked his drenched cock, adding even more wetness by spitting on it. “You couldn’t even slip it in without coming, huh? What happened to that sex god of a rockstar everyone that you were?” He whimpered again, edging on overstimulation as you purposely targeted the head of his cock.

His fists were balled in the sheets, bottom lip chapped red from trying to bite into it. “S-stop, please..” You pouted at him before shaking your head. He deserved to torture just a little for all of the years the two of you missed out on doing this. You could have been his ages ago. His first girl and him as your first boy. But here you were eight years later, with a nice amount of experience under your wings. You were going to take full advantage of it. Jisung’s body convulsed as he came again. His body became rigid as he spurted his cum all over your lower stomach and hands. You jumped, surprised by the sheer amount of it.

You stuck your cum slick fingers in his open mouth, jolting his eyes open. His initial surprise melted as he enjoyed the taste of him on your skin. “Now, you are going to eat me out until I come. Got it?” You leaned down, grabbing his chin to make him look at you in the eyes. You opened his mouth and spit on his tongue, closing it back for him to accept it. You moved, lying down next to him. He wasted no time, getting between your legs expediently.

Jisung could die right now, happily. You were here with him, in the bed, his cum on your body and mingling with your own and pooling at your entrance. A feast, just for him. Everything and more than he could have ever asked for. He dove in, mind fogged with thoughts of you. Your taste. Your smell. That lustful yet dominant look in your eyes as you laced your fingers into his long, permed hair.

And the taste of you? It deserved five Michelin stars, two more than regular just because he said so. You tugged on his hair as he wrapped his plum little mouth around your clit. You used his hair as your anchor to move his head around as you saw fit. A hair pull to signal him to go faster, a pull to the left or right for him to move his tongue elsewhere. He was like your own little tongue flicking toy with a customizable setting. He lapped, sucked, and licked to both you and his content. His moans and whimpers almost outnumber yours.

He was in heaven between your legs, and would gladly mark his tombstone in this very place. His skilled tongue sent you barreling over the edge, your grip on his hair tightening to an almost painful level, but he didn’t complain. He was just happy that he was the one who was able to make you unfold like this.

Your other hand grabbed him by the neck, pulling him up to you for a passionate kiss. You could eat him alive if he let you. The hand in his hair slipped between the two of you. He had already started rutting his hips against you, desperate to feel you again. It was easy to grab him and slip him into you once again, but this time for real. 

Your breath hitched as his eyes rolled back. Your fingers still around his neck squeezed lightly as you continued to unmake and reassemble him with your kisses. He felt like he could feel every single atom that made him, him. His hips were slow to move at first, but once he built his rhythm, that was that. The sound coming from between the two of you was filthy. Spit and cum and your spent were mixing to make the glide in and out of your tight walls even easier for him.

Your toes were curled, knees digging into his sides as you squeezed your legs around him. “Fill me up, Ji. Fuck me full of your love.” Your name slipped off his lips like a prayer at your words. He’d give you the moon and the stars if you kept talking to him like that. “Isn’t that what you've always wanted? To make me yours?” He nodded frantically. You paused your words, fluttering around him at a more consistent pace. You were close, both of you knew it. Both of you could feel it.

“Yo-you are mine.” He kissed at your jaw, “Please, co-come with me. I- I need you-” He couldn’t get his words out to finish his thoughts. He had already murmured the magic phrase. “You are mine.” You came around him, pulling your lips only a breath away, taking in the air that escaped his mouth into your own lungs like it was the only oxygen you needed. His followed almost immediately, your tight cunt draining him of any energy of essence he had left. Your walls continued to flutter around him, even after every drop of him had been emptied into you.

Your hands fell to your sides, legs unlocking from around him. You had nothing left to give, but love to the man you’d loved most of your life. He rolled off of you, body slick with perspiration and the mixed essence that both of you expelled. He exhaled deeply, hand searching for yours, finding it nearby and over the covers. He kissed the back of it, eyes boring into yours. Unspoken words being said with just a look. The both of you admitting what you both knew as this escapade started. You were in love.

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“Encore! Encore! Encore!” The crowd chanted loudly. The lights in the stadium had just dimmed, signaling that the last song had been played. But they still begged for more. The band was backstage, goofy smiles on all of their faces. Adrenaline is still pulsing through their bodies.

“One more, guys?” Jisung asked and they all quickly agreed. One more song to end the night. They headed back on stage to an onslaught of rabid cheers. They had one more song up their sleeves. A song that eighteen year old Jisung had pinned himself, one that embodied the way he felt when he saw the heartbreak in your eyes when he pushed you away. He wanted to do nothing more than to wipe your tears, and hold your hand.

To tell you that everything would be okay. That he loved you, forever and always. Because to him, there was no him without you. He stood amongst his band on stage, belting the lyrics to the song. Eyes focused on the only person he wanted to see in a room full of people, the woman he loved. The person almost all of his songs were about. You, with that big proud smile plastered on your face.

“'Cause all I want is you, not your tears 눈물이 마�� 때까지 I wanna make you the happiest one, no fear So baby, hold my hand now…”

FIN

© ✐Channieskies 『MINORS DNI! This post contains nsfw material. Please do not interact with it if you are under the age of 18. Do not translate or repost here or on other sites. Please leave a like , comment, and reblog if you enjoyed this story.♥』

SONG CREDITS: ✻BIG BANG - LOSER ✻ONE OK ROCK - WHEREVER YOU ARE ✻HAN - VOLCANO ✻THE CURE: LOVESONG ✻HAN - HOLD MY HAND

[wayward-imp]

I love how visceral it can be to speak English, because we have such a huge variety of words. Not the most words by dictionary count, but between the rhythm and the way the sounds move around each other, it can feel a little like dancing just to speak. Sometimes words just feel good in your mouth, you know? Or sometimes they feel like the thing they express. The feel of the language becomes part of creative writing, especially, that's why authors are said to develop a unique voice. So I wrote a quick little poem about all this for a class on teaching EFL with poetry, trying to capture for my Korean classmates a little of how I actively enjoyed speaking English. I'm not an especially skilled or confident poet, but for what it's worth, here.

Logophile

No better flavor Than the savor Of my language On my tongue Breathless, shaping The sounds Rolling in my mouth Like fire and rime Keeping time With every syllable Thoughts spilling Through my lips In a flood Of creation

The greatest sensation Is imagination On my palate Telling stories Making worlds New understandings Tingling on my tastebuds Passion and potential Vibrating in my throat Singing out in every line And the spaces between Words

so many amazing words in the english language. you have clandestine and precarious and serendipity and iconoclast and then you also have staunch and sludge and slurp and smudge