#and that i really hope i'm not making anyone feel directly pointed at or lectured or anything

[lululawrence]

x

[galvanizedfriend]

WIP Wednesday

Posting something for WIP Weds in the hopes to get back on my writing horse. It's been tough lately, friends. This is another snippet of Speed Dating. Not directly after this, but some time later.

Anyway, hopes and prayers for me, my dudes. 😔 I need to write again. Also, about this snippet: jealous!klaroline is my not-so-secret guilty pleasure, I shall not apologize.

Conversation began to flow more freely. Rebekah and Elijah started poking at Camille as though she were a creature from a different planet, both evidently curious about Niklaus' girlfriend. Rebekah knew of her, but they were yet to meet. Cami is graceful and smart and lovely in ways she’d never been before, not to Caroline, and they all seem fascinated. Fits right in with Klaus’ family. Fits right in next to Klaus, with a hand around his elbow.

It makes Caroline sick to her stomach. She hates it. More than she hates Dr. Saltzman’s lectures, more than she hates last week’s tofu, more than she hates getting puked on by drunkards during her shifts. She hates it with every fiber of her being, so freaking much she can almost feel the revulsion singing her bones.

Above anything else, she hates how it makes her feel found out, exposed, rubbing the truth of her feelings in her face until she can no longer deny it: Caroline is infected with jealousy.

Up until that moment, she had felt it in short bursts - acute, but fleeting. It was manageable. Debatable, even. But tonight, has completely destroyed all of her defenses. The harsh, cold truth of it crashed down upon her like a giant wave. Every time Klaus even so much as looks at Camille, speaks to her, whenever his hand accidentally brushes up against hers because she’s sitting way too freaking close to him, Caroline feels an irrational spike of murderous anger, followed by an insane and uncontrollable need to throw something heavy across the room. 

She wants to scream.

Something nasty balls in her throat and makes it impossible for her to continue to socialize. The forged indifference she’s worn all night is about to crack. She is locked in battle for her dignity and being positively massacred.  

She needs a drink. Six drinks. Maybe more. Fast. Anything to dull out the brash reaction threatening to come out.

Before anyone can point out that she could just order directly from their booth, she excuses herself and slips out. Funny how she seems to be the only one to notice how utterly unbreathable the air is.

Away from prying eyes, she abandons the cocktails in favor of something more effectively numbing. She downs a shot of whiskey all at once, and then asks for another. When she signals for a third one, the bartender gives her a look. The lonely girl getting hammered at the bar is looking for trouble look.

"I just had dinner with my roommate, whom I may or may not have feelings for, and his siblings, while they get introduced to his girlfriend, ok? I'm having a really bad night, so I'd appreciate it if you could just pour me a shot and kept the judgment to yourself."

The guy shrugs. "Suit yourself."

"Thank you."

The alcohol is meant to melt down the anxious knots in her stomach, dial down her spiking nerves back to acceptable levels, but the first immediate effect is a different one. The prickly discomfort morphs into a kind of ache, dull but heavier. This sudden uncontrollable need to be the object of Klaus' attention, the reason behind his smiles, the theme of all his stories, gains sharper, clearer contours.

The extreme anxiety she's experiencing, she concludes, is illumination. The kind that comes with a heavy object falling on your head and cracking your skull wide open. This visceral reaction is the answer to all the questions she's been mulling over incessantly for months now. Suddenly, Caroline no longer feels crazy; she feels heartbroken.

[bookwyrminspiration]

quil, any thoughts on the debate over manipulative fitz and his narcissistic tendencies in his relationship with sophie? (in the notes of the post from @/sophitz from 5 days ago)

Hi, Nonsie. I'll share a few thoughts, but I have absolutely zero desire to get wrapped into active discourse/arguments about this. This is non-exhaustive since I can't address every possible point/consideration in one post, but it covers more the heart of it I think.

I may or may not answer any follow-ups/reblogs about this, unsure yet. I really hope my answering this does not put it on a pedestal from which it catches fire, so everyone be cool please

I think it's ridiculous, unfounded, and frustrating. The original term used and debated was "narcissistic pervert." From what I can tell, that term originated with Paul-Claude Racamier in the 1980s-90s, and the only academic source I could find/access on the topic was his "On narcissistic perversion", which was a synthesis published in 2017 of a 1985 and 1991 paper + lecture. I can't link this because I could only access it through my uni, and I can't find basically any trustworthy sources (or any more recent sources) talking about it outside of him--at least in English. There may be other papers/professionals in untranslated French

From that, I'm highly skeptical of any use of the term colloquially, especially since it involves narcissism, which has an extremely misunderstood, negatively biased rep currently. Practically the only things you find when looking into perverted narcissism are informal blogs perpetuating stigma (e.g.: "If you’ve been in contact with a narcissistic pervert, remember that if he’s chosen you, it’s because you represent to him what he’ll never be able to be: a whole person!" <- real quote)

When reading Racamier's paper, I kept Fitz in mind--and specifically Fitz with Sophie, as that was a distinction made in the argument. That Fitz has perverted narcissist tendencies when it comes to Sophie specifically. I don't find that, based on my reading, to be true.

A few features of narcissistic perversion Racamier notes are (verbatim): it is vital to them not to owe anything to anyone, the inability to apologize and the rejection of remorse, the inability to express thanks, subjects impose a heavy burden on anyone who comes close to and concerns himself or herself with them, expresses his (narcissistic) perversion by his enjoyment of asserting himself at the expense of others, etc.

I don't find any of these traits to be true to Fitz, with Sophie or otherwise. Not wanting to be in others' debt is normal, and I can't think of an instance he reacted to the idea disproportionately (I suppose directly after Alden broke could count, but one instance does not a narcissist make), he's demonstrated a clear ability to apologize/be remorseful sincerely (including with Sophie specifically), to express genuine gratitude, doesn't consciously or intentionally impose on those close to him (it isn't his fault if others don't communicate any burden they experience so he can alter his actions, e.g. the stress of matching), and doesn't enjoy tearing others down around him to lift himself up (unless in a joke environment).

The paper goes on to talk about predation on a specific object (in this case Sophie). This object is "bearable only if it is dominated, ill‐treated, and sadistically attacked – and above all mastered." I find none of these words to be accurate to Fitz and Sophie's relationship--he does not dominate or master her, nor does he want to. He does struggle with being so rapidly unseated as the best, and wants to be someone others look to and trust, someone capable. But an instance of understandable jealousy that he doesn't want to feel/give in to (evidenced during the Inquisition as he fought the feeling) does not make him a narcissist. He simultaneously enthusiastically supports and compliments Sophie's prowess.

I know I referenced this one specific paper near entirely, but it appears to be the only thing to reference. And I am not a professional in any regard. This is my understanding of the term based on Racamier's explanation, which I've referenced against Fitz. The behaviors and mindset associated with narcissistic perversion (summarized as "the predominant need to assert, and the pleasure of asserting, oneself at someone else's expense") do not widely align with Fitz's (as a whole or just with Sophie)--and the instances in which they do aren't demonstrative of a pattern on which a claim like this can hold ground. I wish I could find the exact quote from another source I was looking at, but it's essentially: there are traits/tendencies of disorders in everyone, what makes them disordered is when they're abnormally extreme.

This is longer than I intended it to be so I'll try to wrap this up. This is in direct response to the idea of Fitz as a narcissistic pervert, which is what the discourse in the post you referenced discussed/started from. This doesn't talk about NPD or every point referenced by the individuals discoursing, as this isn't intending to respond to them. I am not an expert.

Based on my understanding and limited research, I think it inaccurate and callous. I think it misrepresents Fitz's actions and motivations, and while I am biased, I think this holds outside of my bias.

[despairforme]

I have some proof that nnoitra isnt stupid, just a dumbass sometimes:

nnoitra was one of the few arrancar that was fully aware that aizen had no intention of helping them; he embodies despair because he lacked the ability to connect with others and pushed away everyone that made an attempt to get close to him because he knew that they were all going to die anyway and didn't want to get attached to anyone. nel's constant refusal to acknowledge him as a warrior did not help him strive to be a better person and in fact had the opposite effect, as he resigned himself to become the beast because it's all anyone has ever told him he is. the one person he did manage to connect with and the one person who gave a shit about him got cleaved in half directly in front of him; once again, leaving him completely alone

[ Hello anon! I don't like discussing meta and/or headcanons. We are all entitled to our own interpretation of canon. If you don't see Nnoitra as stupid, that's completely valid, and you are free to write your own version of Nnoitra and portray him in the way you wish.

Please know I've been writing Nnoitra for almost 9 years now, and I guarantee you there is nothing you can tell me about his canon that I have not already interpreted, so presenting "proof" to me won't make me change my portrayal or my thoughts about him.

This is my view on canon. Not saying this is the "correct" view, because we are all just the audience and it's not up to us to decide what's the right or wrong canon, that's only for the creator. But, again - this is my portrayal of Nnoitra.

I disagree that what you are presenting is "proof" that Nnoitra isn't stupid.

Nnoitra was not "fully aware" that Aizen had no intention of helping them. His belief that Aizen would not help him had nothing to do with his intelligence, but only with his negative outlook on life. Nnoitra is the embodiment of despair, which means NO HOPE. It goes without saying that he would not see Aizen as a savior that could free Hollow. Like he says "there will be no salvation for us". That's what he believes. It has nothing to do with him "not falling for Aizen's plans".

Nnoitra's inability to connect with others, again, doesn't make him more or less intelligent. It also is not a conscious choice. He simply doesn't want to connect with anyone, because he is a solitary person who prefers to be alone. A mantis doesn't hunt in pack. It's true that in my portrayal he believes that everyone will die as a result of Aizen's plan, but - that is the whole reason why he follows him in the first place. Because he wants to die. He doesn't care that all the other Arrancar / Espada will die as well.

"He didn't want to get attached to anyone". He never thought he would be, so that was never a problem that occurred to him. With Tesla, who became the only person who he did connect to, it was actually a surprise to him that he ended up "caring" about someone. But, it's not like he actively avoided others because he was "afraid of connection".

He is not a beast because that's what everyone tells him he is. He IS a beast. He is very animalistic and very close to a more monster-like Hollow. He doesn't get to be "redeemed". He is a villain. He's supposed to be a villain, and not a misunderstood person who "just needed to be loved and told he's not a monster". He's a monster.

It's correct that Nelliel didn't help him become a better person. She did bring out his worse side. Again, this has nothing to do with intelligence.

And the final point - yeah, Tesla died in front of his eyes, and yes this did impact him, but again - it's got nothing to do with him being smart or dumb.

I really dislike arguing with people about my portrayal of Nnoitra, and i hate "explaining" my take on canon, because I feel like I'm lecturing others. So, please know that THIS IS JUST MY INTERPRETATION, THIS IS WHAT I BASE PARTS OF MY PORTRAYAL OF NNOITRA OFF OF. You can have your own take on canon. You can write Nnoitra however you want. But you can't change how I write and see him. ]

[liskantope]

@against-forms-recognizable replied:

Neogenders (xie/xir) are an attempt by the individual to circumvent the edifice of gender. To try not having others unconsciously bring to hear the massive chains of the framework of expectations we force others into the second we hear him or her used in reference to them. To be appreciated as a person separate from all of that and to struggle to define yourself in absence of that identity template we all have forced on us from birth "the movement is being run by a bunch of kids playing silly imaginary identity games" what do you think gender is? the people who are trying to break out of it are the ones who are silly? Maybe this should be a reblog 😔

Well, I guess I'm effectively making this into part of a reblog. Mostly against my better judgment, since getting into arguments against this type of response tends to get me going down a (slightly toxic and time-sucking) rabbit hole pretty quickly.

I'm experiencing a pretty annoyed emotional reaction to these comments, and a lot of that is to do with a broader context of so many others responding to anything I have to say on trans issues along these lines, and I hope I won't be too uncharitable or take too much of it out on you here. I do appreciate you responding with your point of view.

The main thing that annoys me is that I really wish, just once, I could express an argument concerning how something one group is doing feeds into an unfortunate perception X which another group (which I've never aligned myself with) has of them, without someone reading that as "I support Perception X". Here's another reply to the OP, from a different Tumblr user, which does this same thing:

there are 69420*10^9 genders actually and I love my weird pronouns, sorry this offends you OP

I never said I believed the movement is just kids playing silly identity games, and I never said it offends me. The OP was expressing that I just think it's kind of dumb for an online form for a very formal job application to give a very random assortment of obscure nonbinary pronoun (including ones I've never even seen before) in a way that feeds into the "trans activists insist there are 50 genders" myth and enhances the aspect of the nonbinary-pronouns-movement that conservatives (a group I don't align myself with) find it easiest to mock as silly. And that it seems very unnecessary in an early-hiring-process context except for gaining superficial virtue points. Choosing to put this in a formal online job application form is what I think is silly, and blatant signally behavior is, if anything, what I find offensive.

(Also, even if I were calling weird pronouns "just a game", that is not incompatible with loving them! Nor would this imply that it's bad to love them or want them to be used, at least in certain contexts.)

As for the first reply/paragraph, while I'm sure this wasn't intentional and I know I'm being a bit uncharitable, it makes me feel a bit lectured-to on a point of view that I've had plenty of exposure to for years. On the other hand, it expresses that viewpoint more directly than I usually see it expressed, and I appreciate that: you are saying that people who like nonbinary pronouns are just trying to get away from the gendered social expectations/baggage that come with "he" and "she". (This is one of several quite distinct descriptions/explanations as to what identifying as nonbinary means. It clearly doesn't speak for all nb people!)

To which I can't resist asking, in a more plain, direct way than I've asked it before: since social progressivism over many decades has been steadily chipping away at expectations and roles that come with "he" and "she" (which I can agree are quite silly!), do we really need to turn around now (in an age when there has never been more flexibility of roles associated with "he" and "she" even if we still have a long way to go) and throw up our hands saying "Anyone who feels they still don't fit into what's left of the baggage attached to the pronouns 'he' and 'she' should just disown and them label themself under a different identity"? Is that not, in some sense, a step backwards in divorcing gender from baggage and enforced roles and expectations?

(Note, since I'm pretty worried about reading comprehension at this point: the above paragraph is not me arguing that nonbinary genders don't exist or that nonbinary pronouns shouldn't be used. I don't claim that for a combination of reasons, particularly that there are other reasons some people have for identifying as nonbinary apart from the "roles/expectations/stereotypes" thing.)

Here is today's gender-identity awkwardness I saw for the first time in a job application:

Of course, this plays directly into the hands of those on the conservative side of gender identity issues, enhancing the impression that the movement is letting itself be run by a bunch of kids playing silly imaginary identity games for their own amusement (I used to see xie/xir a lot before it was, to my relief, apparently supplanted by they/them, but to see such a bending-over-backwards effort to cater to two variations of xie/xir as separate options, that I'm not sure I've even seen before, in contrast to they/them is really something else), and playing into the (mostly-)myth that trans activists believe there are 50 or so genders.

They could just ask, "What is your gender identity?" with choices being "female", "male", "neither (nonbinary)", and "prefer not to answer", and that would serve their purposes of not misgendering applicants just fine, but that wouldn't be bending-over-backwards-to-signal-virtue-and-turn-off-conservatives enough, I guess.

(Also, I feel like I've said this before, but I'm starting to roll my eyes at phrases like "address someone by their correct pronoun" since nobody addresses someone with a third-person pronoun: they refer to someone with a third-person pronoun when talking to a different person, which in my experience isn't even that likely to happen during the early job interview stage. Maybe this sounds like a pedantic point to make, but I keep seeing this phrase and think it actually is creating fuzzy thinking around the social implications of learning everyone's preferred pronouns.)

[undreaming-fanfiction]

Ohhh please do 37. Do you think they could have loved me? Extra points if you make it sad but sweet/give it a positive ending ✨ I love ur writing btw!

Thank you so much for the prompt and for your kind words! I'm sorry for taking so long, but I hope the positive ending makes up for the wait!

Steve doesn't talk about his parents often. Scratch that, he doesn't talk about them at all, but that doesn't mean their presence doesn't loom over him, casting prolonged shadows over everything he does, everything he is. He knows they are disappointed in his failures, his choices, only suffering his presence in their home because they know they would be judged. Public opinion matters to them more than their only son.

And Steve seems to believe everything they say about him, just takes it when they call once every few months and berate him for not utilizing his talents, not securing a sports scholarship ("we paid for your hobbies, Steven, all the equipment, and there is zero return. We really hoped you'd amount to something"), not doing what he's supposed to be good at. If someone calls him a failure, a washed-out ex-jock who peaked in high school, he just shrugs and never tries to refute it. Eddie sometimes wants to grab him by the shoulders, shake him, yell at him to believe in himself more. And if that isn't ridiculous, the master of self-deprecation lecturing the former king on self-esteem. But that's what friends do and Eddie wants to be a good friend to Steve. Maybe more, but that's not on the menu and Eddie will gladly accept any Steve-shaped dish he's offered.

So when the letter comes one week before his twentieth birthday, Steve isn't surprised. He skims over the precise, thin lines, his lips moving as he reads that he's on his own. His parents are starting over somewhere else and graciously left him the house (or what's left of it after the earthquake, even though Steve and all his friends did their best to fix it up). They say they'll gladly hear from him if he gets his life back on track, but until then he should think hard and long about what he wants and what he sacrifices by the company he keeps, the dead end jobs, his unsatisfactory choices. Eddie doesn't read the letter directly but sees Steve's expression, reads his lips, and even when Steve offers a small smile, saying that it had been long time coming, Eddie can't help but notice his trembling fingers and glassiness of his eyes. He wishes he could say something to make Steve feel better, but there is nothing, no hollow reassurances to make the hurt go away. He just offers to share a joint and lets Steve sag against him, lost in thoughts.

Eddie suspects that Steve must have fallen asleep, but then he hears that sentence and his heart skips a beat.

"Do you think they could have loved me?" Steve whispers against Eddie's shoulder.

He swallows, breath catching in his throat. "What...what do you mean, Steve?"

Maybe it's just his imagination, but doesn't his t-shirt feel a bit wet? "It's just...I wonder if I could have done something differently. I'm not smart, but I could have tried more. Maybe start in dad's company, prove him wrong. I've always thought they don't want to be around because I failed them, but...I wonder. I wonder if I tried more, if they'd still be around. If they could have loved me if I was who they wanted as a son."

Steve's voice is weak, defeated, and Eddie burns with rage, tightening his fingers into a fist. There were so many things he wants to do to those assholes and he marvels at the image of his rings tearing Harrington senior's stern face into shreds. He reaches behind Steve and squeezes his shoulders, pulls him into a clumsy hug. "I don't think they could have loved anyone, Steve," he mutters against Steve's hair. "No one but themselves."

And Steve seems to accept that, his breathing becomes more even and when they eventually say good night, he's smiling again. As Eddie climbs into his van and drives back to the tiny house government kindly provided for him and Wayne, he starts thinking. The next morning, he makes several calls.

Twenty years from the day Steve was born, Robin throws Steve a huge birthday party - in his own Frankenhouse, she had Dustin drag Steve away for the whole day and the excuses the young man comes up with are absurd, but Steve follows him, not questioning anything. He just enjoys Dustin's company. Dustin rambles about finding a perfect gift for Suzie for their anniversary (and when Steve points out that their anniversary was three months ago, Dustin scrambles up an excuse that it's actually for their half anniversary and he wants to customize the gift a bit, plus Steve is the only one he trusts with dating advice, so really he can't ditch him before they find the perfect thing, maybe they can stop for a lunch in the meantime, and does Steve want to be invited for a coffee or something for his birthday? Steve's eyes tear up a little at that because Dustin remembered what day it was and if that didn't make the younger man swear to all gods that the party had to be the best thing Steve ever experienced.

In the meantime, Robin, Eddie, Nancy, Jonathan, Argyle and the whole party minus the distraction do their best to make that prayer come true. They decorate the house, build an improvised pyramid of presents and bake a cake - there might have been a small fight over how to decorate and El wins by suggesting they should shape seven small figures representing them and a spiked bat from marzipan. The results are...questionable, but recognizable.

Eddie might have pushed them to go a bit overboard, gathered a crew of teenage boys to paint Steve's living room since its owner always complained about the peeling paint and impersonal taste of his parents. They create a surprisingly seamless gradient of yellow and orange, brightening the room and splashing the ugly couch in the process. When Mike sees the drops, he remembers that Steve really disliked this piece of furniture ("it's like sitting in a hospital", he used to say) and promptly writes FUCK THIS COUCH, YOU DESERVE A BETTER ONE, STEVE on the uncomfortable surface.

When they radio Dustin that it's safe to come back, Dustin basically shoves Steve inside and there is shared concern when Steve freezes as he takes in the new wall, the presents, the cake and a handmade banner saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR FAVORITE BABYSITTER/DINGUS. Then, to the surprise of everyone, he lets out a huge sob and collapses against the door. Eddie and Robin rush to him, removing his hands from his face, but he's beaming at them through the tears, pulling them into a clumsy hug. In the end, Argyle yells for a hug pile and Steve is suddenly squished by seven kids and five adults. He can't even bring himself to scold them for disregarding their safety.

As they pull him up and slowly disperse to bring over plates and drinks, Eddie adjusts Steve's hair to its usual perfection. "Now, you asked me something a few days back, Steve," he says quietly so only Steve can hear. "And I didn't have a good answer. But I have one now. Because those jerks not loving you has nothing to do with you, they're just damaged sorry excuses for human beings. So no, they couldn't have loved you no matter how hard you tried and for that they suck, so fucking much. But all of us," he gestures towards the people who gathered in his house for him, for Steve Harrington, "happen to agree they have a single redeeming quality. They gave us the most selfless and metal guy we've ever had the pleasure to know."

"Eddie-!" Steve gasps and he looks as if he's about to cry again, and well, screw respectful distance. Eddie touches his face and wipes the residual tears away, taking care of the new ones too in the process.

"Shh, big boy," he soothes him and grabs his hand, leading him into the kitchen, the living room still smelling too much like paint to spend the whole evening there.

Steve looks around and watches his friends, his loved ones. He sees Erica bringing disconcertingly large knives to cut up the cake, El floating confetti with her powers and Mike and Will quickly scribbling an additional gift for Steve - a promise from Will to paint Steve a mural of his choice on the new wall, Mike joining in to mix paint and provide snacks. He sees Argyle and Jonathan blowing up party baloons and playing with static electricity, making their hair stick up in the weirdest ways possible, Robin and Nancy giggling at them and betting who can get the wildest hairstyle. He sees Max and Lucas arguing in hushed voices about which present Steve's going to like the best. And of course he sees Dustin who sneaks past Eddie, steals his lighter and starts lighting the candles on his cake.

They all gather around him, smiling, even Max has a grin on her usually stoic face. The metalhead beams at Steve and theatrically grabs a glass and a spoon, ringing them for attention. When everyone goes quiet, he climbs on top of a chair and clears his throat. "I will keep this short, we're all tired and your cake looks delicious, sue me. Ahem. From all of us who happen to love you, Steve Harrington, with all your pretty much non-existent flaws except for outshining all of our hair and not caring enough about the best tabletop game in the world - happy birthday. We're all fucking glad you were born."

As everyone claps and cheers, Eddie jumps down and pushes Steve into the circle of his friends, towards the cake.

Robin hugs him and tells him to blow the candles. "Wish for something, dingus."

Steve snorts, leans over the cake and thinks hard, as his parents told him, thinks about what he wants. His eyes still linger on his friends. "I can't think of a single thing," he admits with a huff.

"Aww, isn't he cute," teases Eddie, nudging Dustin's side.

Steve's eyes stay on Eddie for long, stretching seconds. "Well, maybe one thing." As he blows out the candles, he maintains eye contact with Eddie and well, doesn't the dungeon master have the prettiest blush he's ever seen.

And maybe it's birthday magic, maybe it's the universe trying to restore some balance into Steve's shitty life, but in this particular case wishes do come true. They come true on the same evening when Steve sneaks out with Eddie to share a cigarette, it involves a rogue drop of cake cream on Eddie's lips and who are they to waste such a great dessert?

Steve's parents could have never loved him, it's a simple fact. But for the first time in his life, he doesn't care a single bit.

(also, Steve does keep the couch, refusing to get it cleaned no matter what. He considers it a staple piece in his living room and Mike feels ridiculously proud whenever he sees it)

[beclynn-herondale]

hi!

hope you are well ❤ and i hope it's fine if i talk about robert adopting jace!

since this is totally related to robert's homophobic behaviour i'll have to mention it, take this as a trigger/content warning to anyone who may need it! (you probably know a lot about it already but i guess many people don't actually understand robert's side, and not sure if i even need to say it, but everything next is canon or based in canon information, i'm not making up anything) so here's my analysis:

so first i'll mention the basics: robert adopted jace (as jonathan wayland, michael's child) because of what he did to michael in the past. what exactly does that mean? he was trying to compensate what he did to michael. and how this compensation works? helping michael after his death?

something kinda obvious i guess is that robert felt miserable most of the time, for multiple reasons combined. one of them being his intense self-loathing/none self-steem, also caused for multiple reasons. for most of his life robert was ashamed for.. existing, basically, i mean he really was extremely ashamed of himself in general. another reason, more specifical, was michael. i won't explain the effects of a dead parabatai to a shadowhunter, but in was mentioned in later books how the life-death separation of robert and michael devastaded both of them, and that's just the parabatai part. along with their other complications, it was all very harmful, and robert is shown getting triggered under mention of michael.

now there's something one needs to understand so they can understand 1) robert's self-loathing over michael and 2) robert hoped adopting michael's son would "redeem"/"forgive" him?

see, on robert's opinion, homophobia is unforgivable. really.

nobody ever lectured or told him this. that's his actual opinion on homophobia. and that was his opinion on the matter years before alec was born or any shadowhunter close to robert cared about it. when robert was a 80's teenager, he thought it was unforgivable, and he kept thinking that through the years. this is important 'cause it's a impression of mine that a lot of people think robert was actually anti gay people and then changed his beliefs for alec's sake, and this is absolutely incorrect. robert knew that discriminating people for their sexuality was wrong — and he hated himself for doing it to michael (and afterwards to alec, but then it was mostly a misunderstanding)

said that, we know michael was something like a ugly open wound in robert. because, as i mentioned, they missed each other, and robert had to cope with the fact that he was horrible to michael and he knew what he did was horrible, and he just had to live thinking of himself as trash. michael was a extremely sensive topic and thinking about him hurt too much. that's how alec and isabelle ended up taking many years to find out robert had a parabatai, because robert never even mentioned michael. they only found out who michael was because of jace's adoption.

now i'm getting close to the point. robert didn't want anything to ever remind him of michael, because it hurt too much (that was the main reason he didn't react well to alec's relationship with magnus!!!!! his children took a decade to find out michael even existed!!!!). and that's why i can't agree with the idea that robert only adopted jace to feel better with himself.

obviously valentine can't really be trusted as a source of information, but he was probably who best knew robert after michael, and his entire plan relied on robert taking jace in for michael. now, according to him, he knew robert would do that for michael. and how could him be so sure? robert had to actually fight maryse to adopt jace, and valentine trusted he would do it over michael. valentine thought very low of robert, so that's really something.

if robert only wanted to feel better about himself, adopting jace wouldn't make any sense to him, first because, well, robert's self-loathing is deeper than that (and he would know it better than anyone), but i know people in pain don't always act logical and robert is a great example of this so, second, as i showed, michael is a big emotional trigger to robert and he gets very upset about. we don't know how much and how often robert and maryse got agressive with each other, but their fights about adopting michael's child envolved a lot of shouting, and this is not the only context we see robert getting upset over michael.

(as if this wasn't evidence enough, in the wicked ones we are directly informed that all of robert agressive and permanently triggered and dangerous vibes are nothing more than hurt over michael. that's really something)

if thinking of michael was so triggering to robert at the point he hurts people - and people he love (maryse, alec) over it, how adopting michael's son and taking care of him with his presence as a permanent reminder of michael (and that michael was gone) would make robert feel better with himself? and, even more: he wouldn't expect jace to look like michael, as he did expect. if he was thinking mostly about himself, he would be satisfied finding out jace's looks don't remind him of michael, but instead he was awkward and got worried about how jace was feeling.

so what was this about? robert says he was trying to compensate for what he did, as according to cassie, "awkwardly and painfully trying to convey that he loved michael." and yeah, doing something good to michael would make robert feel better, because he loved michael and doing good things to michael makes sense to him. robert never expected what he did to michael to be forgiven, but he did want to demonstrate that he loved michael and that he could be better than that - better than what he had done - for the people he loved.

that was a ride, sorry any mistakes (not native english speaker) and i hope you like these observations, since i understood you liked my last robert analysis

xoxo, thank you for your attention 💓

Hello again, flower

I'm hanging in there 😎

Sorry it took me a bit to answer

I actually got a new perspective on Robert from this. And I love the way you explained this. I don't have too much to add, but a little.

I do agree that he wasn't as homophobic as some might think. He was afraid of what other people would think, and in which case, did end up kind of being that way.

I think if Robert hadn't been so afraid of what people would have said, (I do think the trauma he had with the rune played part in this. As he didn't want to have something else people felt he should be ashamed of), I think he would have actually accepted Michael. It was a very complicated situation and it was cringe a little to, but there's so much to unpack there. And I do believe there's always at least two sides to a story. We know he was a little homophobic with Alec, but he acknowledged it and started changing his ways, which is all you can ask for in this case. I appreciate him trying to change and be better, as I am a sucker for redemption and growth and change. Sometimes change is all that can be done. It won't erase the hurt that was caused but it does mean there won't be anymore hurt done, and I think that's what matters.

Also, the stuff with Jace I very much agree with. but I think it also left Jace feeling like the only reason they took him in was because they thought he was Michael's son, we know that isn't actually true and they love Jace for Jace. I think itleft Jace struggling a little bit though. But in TDA it kinda seemed like him and Robert had somewhat of an improved relationship, as Jace said that Robert had mellowed out a lot since he had become a grandfather, and he wasn't so bad. I do think Robert was fond of his children he just didn't express it openly with them. We do however see him doing it with his grandchildren, everytime he called Max, his M & M, I thought it was precious.

And I fully believe he apologized to Michael in the afterlife and they are hanging out, and taking care of Max. I also believe he tells the other Circle members there about TMI Gang. Mostly about his kids.

This is also a stretch but I think they Robert and Jace could have bonded over their experiences with runes. Jace didn't have the same experience as Robert, but we Valentine marked Jace early, and marking Nephilim children early gives them terrible nightmares. I think there could have been an understanding between them. But we know neither of them like to talk about their trauma. And definitely don't like to talk about their feelings lol.

Hope you are well 💛🧡

[astromedea]

Times Like These

⚝ Synopsis: A student transfers to Aliraei K’s school and claims to his classmates to be interested in her.

⚝ Genre: romance

⚝ Note! (synopsis needs revision)

<<previous | chapter 2 | next>>

I'm getting nervous each step I near their classroom...

I stopped in front of the door to their classroom. I can hear their voices faintly in the background. They seem to be in the middle of classes with sir. Is it really okay to just stop the lecture...? Nah this is just me wanting to hand out the papers to sir when he gets out.

Okay, Ali. Just knock, open the door, excuse yourself and hand out the papers. Easy. It's also good that sir is in the middle of lecturing because if that's so, he wouldn't have time to chit chat and would probably just tell me to put the papers on the desk. Yes, that's right. Okay. Don't worry now. Here goes nothing...

I knocked the door thrice, I observed immediately how everyone had gone quiet, and I opened the door, peering myself in.

"Um sir? Here are the papers you asked for yesterday." I showed to him the 5 sheets of paper I have on my hand.

"Ah Ali! Thank you, you can put the papers on the table please."

I opened the door fully and head straight to the table. I didn't know what would make me uncomfortable more, the unexpected utter quietness I was receiving from the class right now or the loud bunch of teasing.

Before I could step outside, sir calls out to me once again.

"By the way, Ali, are you feeling better now? Lia said you weren't feeling so good yesterday."

"Ah I'm fine now sir. Lia gave me medicine yesterday and I took a day off in the afternoon to get some rest."

"Oh that's good to hear! Do you think you're available later then? After your classes I mean."

"...I think so." I don't like where this is going.

"That's great then, do you mind if you could tour around one my students in the campus then? He's a transfer student here so he might need a guide to familiarize around the place."

I KNEW IT WASN'T GOING TO BE GOOD.

He pointed at someone in the class with a smile. I tried my best a while ago not to look at anyone in the class but now that sir was pointing, it should mean I had to and so I did.

I looked at where he was pointing at, and it was a guy with equally dark hair and eyes who were looking directly at me. I felt my heart skipped a beat from that little eye contact we had before he broke it up immediately and looked up to sir instead.

"That's Warren, he's what I was referring to. So, is it okay? I can't ask any of my students because after classes, they have to tend to the garden for a clean up."

"Wait we do??"

"Ah no! I had plans today!"

"Sirrrr whyyy ahh"

"Oh sorry, I forgot to mention that to all of you." The class whines more and sir directs his attention to me again. "So, is it okay?"

No it's not sir, definitely not.... *sigh* it's not like I have a choice.

"Yes sir, so after classes? When will it be after classes for them, sir? We might have different after class schedules."

"Ah you guys have the same schedule so it's fine. You're just going to wait for each other. So, who amongst you will go to which building—"

"I'll do it sir." I answered that way too quickly. "Our buildings are a bit far from each other so he might get lost on his way there, so I'll be the one to go here and wait instead."

It would be bad if he went to our building, then people even in my strand would tease the heck out of us.

"Okay, is that fine with you, Warren?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, that's settled then. Thank you for accepting, Ali. You can go back to your class now."

"No problem, sir. I'll be going now then."

I finally stepped outside and right after I closed the door, I could hear the loud cheers coming from the room. Well at least they weren't like that to my face.

-> -> ->

"No way?? And you accepted?? I knew you'd be interested in him too! Finally my best friend's going to have a boyfriend ahh!"

"Geez why are you guys so eager for me to have one when you guys don't even have one yourselves."

Everyone looked away. It's not like they didn't have one before though. Ke liked someone who was in a different school, they dated for a while but recently they had broken up. Rhie was dating someone before too, the relationship lasted longer than Ke's and by longer, I meant a whole year. They had to break it off because he went to a different country this year. She loved him dearly but even so, she'd still have crushes with random guys now and then. While Pryce had ended his only this summer.

I swear these people are having no luck with relationships this school year.

"*sigh* It's not like what you think. I only accepted because I didn't have a choice. Sir was the one who asked me."

"Well, just good luck with that then. By the way, should we just go on ahead without you after classes?"

"Wow some friends are you... yeah whatever. I can take care of my own."

-> -> ->

As what we've planned, I went straight towards the Arts and Design building. I didn't really mind going here last time since I only have to pass something but now that I'd be here waiting after classes, that just meant that the students here will all be out of their classrooms seeing an unfamiliar face hanging around their building!

Ugh this is such a drag but whatever. I just hope their classes end sooner so we could get this over with—

"Hey."

I looked at my side to see Warren approach me. I don't know if it was just me but he looked a bit uncomfortable.

"Hey, so let's go? Let's start at the left and just go around from there to back here. We could also stop by the gate in the end if you want."

"Ah no, I'm going back here."

"Oh okay." Hmmm. "Let's go then."

Just as we had planned, we went around campus and I told him all of what places are. Although it was after classes already, there were still students around and every time we would walk by them, they'd always turn their heads and look at the unfamiliar student.

"Woah I've never seen him before." "A transferee? His uniform looks like from senior high." "Oh yeah! Arts and Design! I recognize it." "He's a senior then? Oh my gosh he looks so good."

Although their voices would whisper, I could understand exactly what they were saying. I noticed that he didn't seem to mind what the people were saying, huh, must be used to it.

"And this is our building, STEM. You see, it's a bit far from your building." No one's here, right?

"Huh isn't there a nearby clinic here? It's pretty far away, although it's near our building and a couple more. This section of the area still has lots of students, do you guys always have to rush all the way over from here to there?"

Huh, I didn't know that would be any of his concern.

"Well, they are planning to put a clinic actually. It'll be by the faculty building or could also be by this STEM building, I'm not too sure though, if you want the correct info of that, I can contact someone to ask."

"Ah no, that's fine. I was just curious."

"Are you interested in the school's layout?" He is in the arts and design strand so that could be the reason why he was curious.

"Oh uh actually I just noticed. I asked my classmate where the clinic was yesterday so it just brought up in my mind again today."

"Were you sick? Or do you worry to not find any nearby clinics because you're in need of a check up at all times?"

Why am I so curious...?

...Why is she so curious?

"Ahaha... I'll come clean after all. Well I heard from your classmates yesterday that you were sick and was about on their way to go to the clinic right after they passed your group's project. I asked my classmate where the clinic was and seeing as how far it was from your building, I uh... was curious how the students were handled if they were sick yeah! Haha... that's just all there was to it."

"Oh I see." If I didn't know, I would have assumed you were worried about me, what with that expression you have on your face right now. "Well it is a pain for a bunch of students who are in this section to be far away from the clinic but we can manage the difficulties. Sometimes the teachers even help the students with their motorcycles if they were around."

"Hmm okay, that's a bit reassuring to hear."

"So, shall we proceed then?"

"Sure."

🡢 🡢 🡢

"We're near the gates now, the campus isn't too big but it is considered to be spacious. Was the tour tiring for you?"

"No, it's fine."

"Okay, you won't really get lost here if you were to walk around alone. Advice if you did forget where you walked, just follow the path then you'll eventually get back where you came from. You can see from afar where the edges of the paths anyway and the campus is just like one big oval, where the path just wraps around it. So you'll be fine."

"You sound really experienced in touring people. Are you normally the one that tours the new students around the place?"

"Nah believe me when I say this is my first time. I guess I just went in this school for so long that I know what exactly to say right now haha."

"Alright, you're going back to your building, yeah? I'll be going now—"

"Wait!"

"Hm?"

"...I wanted to talk to you about something... Do you mind if I talk to you for a bit?"

...

"Sure, what is it?"

"Oh uh, I was wondering if we could talk about it some place else... I don't want anyone hearing about this this so..."

...

"No problem! It's not too far from here but there should be a vending machine and a place to sit peacefully, we could grab a drink while we're there too."

"O-okay."

"What do you like to drink? My treat for the new student."

"Oh no, it's fine. I'll just buy my own."

"Okay."

I stepped back from the vending machine and waited when he was getting his drink. When he was done buying his, we sat down on the seats that I talked about earlier.

"So um...—"

"Hold on. I have something to say to you as well actually. If you don't mind me asking first."

"? Go ahead."

"You... How did you know my name? You don't actually like me, right?"

⁑ Enjoyed reading? Continue to the next chapter or go back if you missed something here! ⁑

⚝ Ch 1 <- Ch 2 -> Ch 3

⚝ Masterlist

[stimtoybox]

Your blog is safe haven for me. It means so much it makes me tear up!

Oh, anon. It means everything to me that you said that, it really does! I’m tearing up!

The horrible thing is that I don’t have a good, easy answer for you. I wish I did, but I struggle with assertiveness in verbal conversations, especially when I feel unsafe. I’ve been bullied by my family my whole life for my autism. For needing to have the same pillows to be able to sleep. For not eating a varied amount of foods. For finding things too loud. Right now I’m in a kind of quiet war with Mum because she can’t understand that I don’t just dislike her perfume - it makes me sick. Because she doesn’t hear me when I tell her it does make me sick (as in she hears the words but they don’t fit her worldview, so they don’t have meaning for her) it looks as though I’m being nagging and demanding when I ask her not to wear it. That lack of comprehension, that feeling that I am being demanding, results so often in teasing or just blank refusal to accommodate us.

The terrible, tragic, utterly unfair truth is that we can’t make someone else understand. There’s a high chance that this may not work, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that. We can’t make someone else listen. We can only try to present the information in ways they’re more likely to accept, but if they don’t, anon, this is not your fault. Some people will not understand, no matter what we do.

I am assuming, anon, that you’re verbal enough to have a spoken conversation, although I think everything below applies for most other methods of communication. I’m choosing to focus more on verbal conversation because that, as wrong as it is, is largely the only sort of conversation these sorts of bullies accept and is more often the form in which you’ll be forced to have this conversation.

What I do know about assertiveness is this: subtlety and politeness does not help you get what you need. Hinting, suggesting, adding five pleases and five thank yous … the social rules we’re taught about being polite, respectful humans don’t teach us how to look after ourselves. Be direct, say as few words as possible and don’t bother yourself with their feelings. (They’ve shown that they care little for yours.) The best ever response to a cis straight dude lecturing me about how “that’s so gay” isn’t offensive was me snapping and going, “I’m queer. I don’t like it. Stop it.” No arguing, no debating, no explaining, no attempt to justify why I didn’t like it. He stopped, then and there.

(Note: “say as few words as possible” is unfair. ND communication tends to be indirect. We generally talk in many words, extra detail, repetitions and tangents. See this entire blog as a case in point! We should not have to master their preferred (direct) communication to be heard, but results are better for us if we can. I say this because I’ve done assertiveness training with a couple of different psychologists, and they’ve all taught me direct communication without ever acknowledging that my natural, indirect communication is valid - that the problem is the bullies’ unwillingness to comprehend me, not my method of speech. So I will acknowledge it here. We communicate just fine. They just choose not to understand us and force us to jump through extra hoops to be heard. And that is a thousand kinds of wrong, but it’s better for us if we can attempt to jump those hoops, in terms of effectiveness.)

When we hint and suggest, when we try to be nice about getting people to respect our health requirements, people have this strange idea that we’re not serious about it. People think that extra words and extra politeness means it’s not really necessary to accommodate our request - even though this thing is so important to us that we’re smoothing it over as much as possible in the hope that they accommodate us. This is largely because they don’t want to help us, so anything that isn’t direct bluntness is used as an excuse to not bother.

So we don’t give them those excuses. We say what it is we want. We don’t be rude, we don’t be aggressive and we try our hardest not to be angry (they’ll use all those as excuses to not listen to us, too) but we say what it is we need as simply and clearly as possible so they have the fewest possible excuses to avoid accommodating our needs.

If you’re dealing less with bullies and more with people who can’t comprehend how they’re creating a toxic environment for you, it really helps a lot if you can offer up a solution to the problem, something they can do in response:

“The noise from your game is bothering me. Can you use your headphones?”

“Your perfume creeps into the whole house. Can you spray it outside?”

(Please note: if the solutions are not workable for you, don’t offer them. But if their using headphones cuts down on the noise driving you to distraction, it’s in no way unreasonable to ask them to do this.)

If you can make these comments without judgements on the thing making your space unlivable (you’re making a bloody racket, your perfume stinks) this is more likely to work. Mum’s perfume smells like petrol to me, but telling her that makes her wear it more, not less. Take that from hard-earned experience!

If you’re dealing with bullies or there is no modifying action they can take other than to not do the thing, just tell them to not do the thing. Don’t try to justify; keep explanations brief. Don’t mock them, don’t rage at them, don’t accuse them of anything or get sarcastic. Try, as hard as you can, not to cry. (As a serial crier, this is incredibly difficult and ridiculously unfair, but my family has the magical ability to stop listening to me as soon as tears leave my eyes.) Just tell them directly what it is you want:

“I don’t like it when you tease me about lights. Stop it.”

“I need you to turn down the speakers.”

“You know why I stim. Stop turning it into a joke.”

“Don’t use this scent inside the house. It makes me sick.”

Be direct. Unless your stims are causing them stress/discomfort in some way (I do not mean NTs being bothered by ND people daring to be ND, but something like the sound of your spinner causing irritation) you’re under no obligation to compromise here. (All of this is impacting your health, comfort and safety. You don’t compromise on those things.) I do recommend that you pick your battles in the beginning: work on those things you truly can’t stand, and leave those things you can tolerate grudgingly for later on. Pick one thing, if that feels more comfortable for you, and start with that before moving on to something else.

Anon, this is going to be really hard. I’ve done this stuff, and I know it works, and I still struggle to apply it on a regular basis (consequently, the perfume). It requires communicating in a form of communication (verbal speech) that is genuinely difficult for us. Script it. Write it out in a journal. Practice speaking to the mirror, or a soft toy if you’re uncomfortable looking at your reflection. Practice speaking to a friend, if you have one with whom it is safe enough to do this. Practice saying (speaking, not just writing or thinking) the words. If you spend three weeks practicing saying the words each night, you might be surprised, one day, at how they just slip out when needed.

Lastly, this might not work at all. Bullies be bullies. It says nothing about you if they don’t change in response to direct communication. Nothing. Unfortunately, it’s all on them, because you’re already going to an extreme amount of effort here to try and communicate what you need (something you’re already telling them through words and voice and body language - you’re telling them; they’re just refusing to listen) in ways they’re more likely to hear. If they don’t? Absolutely not on you.

Anon, you are entitled to stim. If you’re not causing someone else or their possessions harm and you’re not being disruptive, you’re entitled to stim. It doesn’t matter if this is fidgeting with a fidget cube or swaying while you talk or windmilling your arms. Toys make our stims a little more acceptable, and that’s why they’re important, but they are not the be-all-and-end-all of stimming. You have the right to stim without enduring abuse (bullying is abuse) for being yourself. Absolutely.

Thank you, by the way, for this ask, because this was something I think I needed to write out and relearn for myself.

If anyone has any better advice for our anon, please comment. But, anon, we’re cheering you on, okay? Because you deserve to be safe, happy and accepted. You deserve to stim without being bullied. You deserve to live in a comfortable space. It’s wrong that you have to fight so hard for this, but the stimmers in this little corner of the internet are so cheering you on. And if I can’t make you safe anywhere else, I’ll try my hardest to make sure you’re safe here.

- Mod K.A.

[an-idiot-but-a-bit-more-refined]

I was laying in bed thinking of something and this made me laugh  for like a split second, then I got mad and then I started crying a little because, I imagined that I was a lecturer and I had to teach a group of Baby Swen about why their new fandom home was the way it was.

Me: Hello Babies, Mommy's back!

Student in the back: Sweet! Evil Queen references.. Umm, professor, I have a question.

Me: Yes?

Student: Why are our fandom grandmothers, mothers and aunts against Eddie and Adam writing Swan Queen?

Me, sighing gently: Darling, we're not against them writing it, but we have our reservations on the way they ARE writing it and most likely would attempt to write it.

Student in the back seems confused. Pauses slightly before nodding. I write down a topic that blankets the class discussion. "Swan Queen". BABY SWENS WHISPER AND SNICKER WITH EXCITEMENT, but I sigh once again. Someone notices

Student: Professor?

Me: Yes?

Student: What's the matter?

Me, slightly conflicted to do said discussion, but I feel it is needed.

Me: The issue the fandom is facing my dear younglings has to do with an ever running war on Tropes, Tokenism, Sexism and just all around 'fandom fuckery' as we've coined it. Some of you- rather, most of you may be familiar with how savagely Swen are dogged for wanting something that represents this current day and age. Be it a fairy tale that's never been told, or simple recognition in a way that does not make us feel as though we've been given a half-assed story that's tossed after it's done what writers and show runners believe it's supposed to...no-no, Your home- THIS home is a home that has to fight for the equality so that the younger generation may reap the benefits of the fight. Now, this may sound tragic- or seem catty, but I assure you, Swen are not known to be such. We like to leave that to...what was that other group's name, again?

Student with all the smart ass comments whom I adore: Crap tainted Swan!

Me: Yes, them.

I begin to write down a few categories and immediately hands go up.

Student: Professor, what exactly do you mean when you say- they will fuck it up?

Me: Precisely what I wrote. The Swan Queen fandom is not fond of being lied to, deceived or played for fools my young one. We know as well as anyone that 'pushing' is a thing for two overly hetero-normative men who run to Captain Swan with open arms and away from Swan Queen with eyes shut and ears deafened, will somehow manage to mess up a perfectly good story to tell.

Student somewhere in the corner: And when you say they'll make it more difficult- what does that mean?

Me: It means that Our ladies are difficult apart- NOT together and yet the writers seem to bring that as some valid way to deter the pairing. They believe by forcing these characters to appear as though they'd be difficult together would make it hard for them to have a lasting relationship. Trying to deter someone by creating this aura that they simply can't be around one another long enough before they become snarky and catty for all the wrong reasons is absolute bull. If anything- we have proof of countless times they have preferred to be with one another simply because it was obvious of the safety they felt. The care and concern they felt.

Student: Oh, so you mean like- Regina's stubborn and sassy and sarcastic when she and Emma are apart and when they work together, she's still sassy and sarcastic it's just in reference to everyone else and not Emma... it's like they're trying to make you think that Regina can't stand being around Emma when the only time we see the real Regina is when she's with Emma-or Henry-

Me, highly impressed: -exactly!

Another student in the front raises their hand: So, that ties into your next point of it being predictable doesn't it?

Me: It does. Have you all seen the consistent template that's written for a queer character?

They all nod and someone with a good bit of brains stands up to go on a miniature rant.

Student: Yeah, I have and it sucks. There's always the one gay character- (he manages to say with an eye roll.) But then there's all these other 'templates' that are stereotypical. Like if they do marry Emma off to Hook and she magically realizes she doesn't love him or that she's gay, they use Regina and it becomes that thing where the lesbian or in Regina's case- the bisexual, quote on quote 'turns' the straight housewife and she realizes she never needed a man; just some good love.. Or one of them dies- or in their case, both of them apparently.. isn't that what was happening in season six?

Someone whispers, Lexa deserved better and puts up a fist. Other students nod at the other baby Swen and agree.

Student who laughs sarcastically all the time: Or how about this one, She realizes she's not gay either after a bunch of passionate nights with Regina and then she goes back to.. the one handed wonder.. God, don't let her get pregnant-

Other Student yells in pain: -DEAR GOD, PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME IMAGES OF ANOTHER WHINY VERSION OF HOOK! But let's not forget the ones who argue all the time and can't keep a stable relationship and are secretive and all that other junk the L Word made beyond obvious.And if that's not bad enough, they both get beards and are tortured for seasons with men they have no chemistry with and these are women who have chemistry with brick walls and can't even make that shit work-

Me: -Alright.. alright, focus. Yes, these are the templates I'm referring to. But let us not forget the ones that gay male characters also go through.

Someone snorts because they only have one template for gay males.

Student: You mean they're difficult and mysterious and cute little twinks who get thrown with other cute twinks or big buff guys with daddy issues and bam- magical ending?

Me: Correct..moving on.. The third points says-

I'm interrupted as they all say it together

Students: Tokenism!

Me: This is just the TV way of saying affirmative action.. Fanciful in meaning isn't it?

Student: It's trash!

Me: Yes, I do suppose it is... however, would someone like to express why the word tokenism still would apply to Swan Queen?

Hands immediately go up.

Student: Well, if we're being honest here, We already got it once before and we don't even know what the deal is with that story anymore...Swen fears that tokenism can still be a thing for Swan Queen because Eddie and Adam only attempt Swan Mills episodes when their ratings drop and as that becomes a case, so does the question of will they just do Swan Queen to stay on the air and never explore it the way they should... We've been hearing of season seven being the final season and our worry is no longer that they will fuck it up. Quite frankly we don't even want them to write it anymore, we'll take it off their hands and make our own show out of it. The problem arises when they create the asinine plan to use it as a last minute crutch to 'go out with a bang' or something. Like, What if this season completely tanks it and season seven is in fact the last season,right? They get the plan, Hmm maybe we should do Swan Queen in the last episode and that'll justify all of the crap we've put these people through, just to say they did something some grande and amazing thing for us, when in reality, they were trying to save their shitty revenue.

Student directly adjacent: Can I add on to that?

Other student nods.

Student: It really is sad though when we were willing to settle for anything- any sort of thing, just to know we were being heard no matter how much we fought- no matter how much our fandom grandmothers have fought. I think deep down, a lot of us know they just won't do it, like they really won't and even if they do, the luxury of it has just faded. The luxury of it would have faded and they'll try to force it to be overly gooey and 'loving' or cutesy when that's not what we asked for. We asked for a story that was true to life and very much so a proper representation for us all. We asked for a story that proved that strong women can work together and fall in love with one another. That they go through ups and downs and doubts and sticking things out and believing in one another and all of the other good things we've seen.... If we get it, if we are blessed enough to have Swan Queen- We'll be happy, but we'll be tired. We'll be exhausted and still disappointed that it had to come to this for us to be heard... I don't think we'll ever be as happy as we were the first day in season one when they met, if only because of the pain and heartbreak and the amount of horrible things that have been said to us just seems to, hit too many nails in our coffins. The fight will never be over, and we have accepted that, but I think everyone's getting tired of having to fight for something that shouldn't even be in question... and it's not to say we've lost our drive or we're losing hope. We're just done with trying to tell men who clearly don't understand that this is a revolution that needs to happen. This is a change that needs to be seen.. we're done trying to prove something we have too much evidence for to still be called delusional and reaching and all those other things. Everyone's tired of watching some forced 'chemistry' dictate how women should be treated and seen in this world. We're tired of seeing people be criminalized and denied a second chance at a love that won't leave or die on them i.e Regina.. We're done and we are tired of feeling like what we watch is what it will always be- nothing but a dream, an illusion... A fucking fairytale.

Silence encompasses the room and everyone thinks on it. (I legit cried when I thought about this part, so I'm sorry)

Me: We are tired, young ones.. we are, but we fight for us and we fight for you until it's over. We march for us and we march for you until we die and you are right, we have not lost hope.. we've just lost that many damns to give on speaking to a group of people who choose not to understand.... And maybe it is true, maybe we truly won't be fulfilled even if they do give us what we asked for.. what we've pleaded for.. and maybe it will make it all seem like it was in vain and maybe we will feel like we've accomplished nothing because we had to force hand for them to cave or pressure them... your grandmothers, mothers and aunts for this fandom realized many things.. we will not force anyone to give us anything. We will peacefully protest the injustice, but if we are not given what we rightly deserve.... we move on from trying with them and you know what we do? We make a world of our own. Eddie and Adam didn't give Swan Queen life... we did, and you did. They didn't see what we saw. They didn't understand it and they clearly didn't want any part of it, but the dream lives on. The reality lives on- the world keep spinning and life goes on and guess what, so will the memory of Swan Queen....Now I need you all to say this last point with me..together we will do this..

Even if nothing happens. Even if your words fall on deaf ears to some, remember the many that you have made hear you. Remember the many who sat with you and held your hands and kept you together...when things fall away and the glamour goes goodbye, remember your reality, your worth and yourself in all of this- Remember YOUR fight.. Through all things, every hard moment and every distressing situation.. for every negative message- comes ten thousand positive soldiers. Fight on and keep hope..

When you open your mouth and words come out and you say "May I have your attention please?" Remember that those who listen are those who wish to hear.... Remember that your fight is a plea to be heard and someone will listen.. remember that actions and words are one and you fuel them. Remember that when the world around you dies- you are to flourish and bring light back to it... remember that you fight for you just as you fight for me and I do the same... remember from now until the end of time that you've done your part in this world and if it never happens... still, keep hope, because maybe, just maybe...one day it will

With Love, Megan

[cyanidefilledcandy]

Geez! I hate to see this happening with this fandom. But, I mostly agree with @doot-meister.

I don't think anyone's intentionally being left out and ostracized. And I think a HUGE part of this doesn't come down to being clique-y, but simply visibility. As mentioned above, time of day is a factor (I've noticed this personally), as well as the dashboard being literally just FLOODED constantly. As popular as eene-fangirl is, I still rarely see her on my dashboard, and it's because other blogs are posting more at a faster pace. Most of the time, I won't see anything from EEnE related blogs unless I go directly to the specific blog. And even accounting for searching for the show directly, even that gets messy. Searching only gives you the most popular posts (again, it's a matter of visibility), and searching for recent posts only gives you a finite number (for me, it's usually less than 10). So.... it's tricky.

Trust me, I completely understand. There have been loads of time when I've posted something I've worked EXTREMELY hard on only for it to basically get no notes. It hurts, and for someone like me who's a perfectionist and already hard on myself about my art, it's like confirmation that I really am worthless. But, at the same time, just looking at my own dashboard, I know that my posts could just be buried in a sea of other posts.

And I may not be the best person to talk about this because at one point I was a lot more visible in the fandom, but I have been gone for a while and where I used to get maybe 10 notes on a post about the show, I'm now lucky if I get 2. But....at the same time, I posted more back then, so it makes sense. For the person who said you don't post much, the truth is, if you don't post content, there's no way for people to know you're there.

And I also get it about social anxiety as well. I have it (and I'm talking if I'm in a virtual world with virtual avatars, like Second Life, I will literally panic in real life if I come across someone else's avatar). I'm not very social at all, but...and this may seem hard, don't let that stop you. Half of the friends I made in this fandom was not from approaching them. It was from simply commenting on any post I found interesting and giving my opinion on it. I didn't directly interact with people through PMs and whatnot. We simply discussed the show, and that would eventually lead to private conversations, which lead to friendships (in some cases). Simply put, if you don't put yourself out there, how CAN people know that you're there?

And as far as no-one being there for you in times of great need, that's also not something I think was intentional; again, it's just an issue of visibility. One of my closest friends here on Tumblr has posted that they're going through a rough time, and I've missed it completely. But, it wasn't because I was actively avoiding them and didn't care. It was because I just didn't see the post.

I'm not trying to lecture anyone or tell anyone that they have no right to feel the way they do, because you absolutely do. I'm just trying to offer a different perspective and try to see if we can come to a consensus.

I do agree that maybe a masterpost linking to all of the fandom's blogs would be nice. But again, it has to be a two way street. You have to put yourself out there a little bit so people can see you. It's hard to get over, but start small. If you see a post you have an opinion on, just give it. The fandom as a whole tends to be very chill, and even if you come across a few haters, block them. Brush them off and move on. You'll eventually find people you click with.

I really hope this works out for everyone. Truly. :)

ok

Let’s get one thing straight before I really get into things: I am not angry. The only thing that will make me angry is insisting I am. I am very nervous, though, but I’m always nervous lol

onto my main thoughts

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