#and that gets you conditioned to accept another hurtful thing etc etc

[tazmiilly]

it is always nice to find another abuse survivor who also felt like ford's story resonated with them. it's nice to feel like there's other people who know what I'm talking about

[mizading]

UPPER MOON YANDERE HEADCANONS~ PT.2

Characters: Muzan, Gyutaro, Sekido, Urogi, Karaku, Gyokko, Kaigaku.

A/N:  I would like to thank Yoshinohirmet for the request! I thoroughly enjoyed adding to my Yandere Upper Moon series. As for my readers, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the love. Take care of yourselves and enjoy <3

Warnings : Verbal abuse, Physical abuse, violence, obsession, Yandere themes, etc. 

Muzan ・❥・

Muzan, a man with a twisted secret.

You’re the one chosen to take on the role of the demon's wife.

Muzan's obsession won’t be known.

As far as you know, you’re only here to maintain his facade of a perfect family.

Your only job is to help him live a "normal" life and keep his true identity hidden.

Deep down, a twisted spiral of obsession consumes Muzan slowly but entirely.

Although you serve a purpose that benefits Muzan, it’s merely an appropriate excuse for Muzan to get close to you.

Something about you is as intoxicating as his desire for the blue spider lily.

He himself can’t explain his unhealthy attraction to you.

Each day, he loses more and more control over this dark passion that burns inside.

Muzan needs you entirely. He’ll tell you lies until his last breath, just to keep you dependent.

You need him; you’re merely nothing without Muzan. You serve no purpose other than being his.

Muzan prefers to silently watch and stalk.

Seeing you exist and your movements, untainted by the presence of another, satisfies his desire ever so slightly.

Muzan just loves the way you exist naturally when nobody is around. Everything about you is fascinating. The way your eyebrows furrow while reading, the way you bite your lip when focusing, how your right eye is a bit wider when you smile—he loves it all.

In your eyes, you disgust Muzan. You serve no purpose other than being his "wife". He barely speaks to you, let alone acknowledges your presence.

At least, that is what you believe.

Muzan will slip one day. He can’t keep pretending that his body doesn’t yearn for you. He’s slowly losing control.

Muzan's spiral of hidden obsession will eventually engulf you both.

Gyutaro ・❥・

You’re the only thing that Gyutaro has—the only possession of his that is worth anything.

If Gyutaro doesn’t have you, he has less than nothing.

Nights would be spent with him obsessively touching and admiring you.

Over-the-top praise would be whispered in your ear as his fingers shakily traced your supple skin.

Gyutaro has a meal schedule set in place for you.

He desperately needs to see you in the best condition possible; he knows more than anyone what it’s like to almost die from starvation.

Gyutaro treats you as a trophy to show off, his little pretty lover.

Although he doesn’t take well to other men or women staring at or touching you.

One gaze that lasts too long from another sends Gyutaro into a blinding rage.

Gyutaro has a lingering fear that you'll see someone who meets your unattainable level.

He won’t ever have the only thing that he has in his pathetic life taken from him.

Gyutaro secretly craves your acceptance—just a small reassurance that he isn’t the scum of the earth.

Deep down, he fantasizes about being attractive and finally being able to proudly call himself your lover without utter shame and embarrassment.

Gyutaros strength is the only thing he has an ounce of confidence in.

He may never be able to compare to something as small as your hand when it comes to looks, but he can protect you proudly.

Gyutaro will gladly give up his life for you over and over again.

Sekido ・❥・

Not a soul was safe from Sekido’s wrath, but you were somehow the exception?

You were on a mission with other demon-slayers when you first met him.

Your existence hypnotized Sekido; every movement of yours made his own existence worthless to him.

All that mattered in the moment was you.

Your comrades were killed in no time; as for you? He didn’t lay a single hand on you.

All attempts to hurt Sekido were futile.

Sekido doesn’t want to take you by force, but he will if he has to.

Sekido would take you into hiding. For now, he wants you to himself with nobody to interfere.

Months would be spent with him in the forest.

Days consist of him admiring you, trying to figure out what's so special about you.

Why do you make him feel this way?

Sekido wouldn’t force physical contact until his emotions were too much to bear; he'd hold out for as long as possible.

Once he actually gets his hands on you, it’s hard for him to control himself.

Sekido isn’t exactly gentle with you; he has too much pent-up anger, but he tries.

Disobeying in any form earns you verbal abuse or physical restraint.

Don’t test Sekido; he can’t always control himself.

Urogi ・❥・

You make excitement run its course through Urogi’s body.

Such a beautiful specimen you were through his eyes.

Urogis feathers can’t help but ruffle at the thought of you belonging to him.

His sizable wings would wrap around you tightly, preventing you from leaving as he dragged you to a new location.

Somewhere, the two of you could stay together for as long as you both live.

Seeing the fear in your eyes, hearing your screams, and watching your hopeless attempts to escape makes his fire of excitement burn brighter.

Urogi knows that such a smart and beautiful person as you would soon understand that he is what's best for you.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, could ever come close to his love.

Attempt to escape, and you’re wrapped in his soft but chilling wings again.

"Can’t you see how good I am for you? Keep up this bad behavior; you’re making things much more exciting."

Urogi wouldn’t use any of his abilities on you; he doesn’t need to.

His physical strength alone is enough to keep you his. It’s much more entertaining this way.

The way Urogi scans your body using his blinding yellow eyes with a soft but chilling smile on his face makes you weak in the knees.

He’s expresses nothing but joy and excitement, no matter what you attempt to do.

There is something awfully off about Urogi; he knows this, and you know this.

Karaku ・❥・

Karakus's obsessiveness is only natural; it goes hand in hand with pleasure.

There have been many that Karaku has been fond of, but nobody could dare touch your level.

The way your little face scrunches up with determination while you swing useless slashes at him drives Karaku crazy.

Your hopelessness is so precious to him.

Karaku pays an awful amount of attention to your body; the way you maneuver fascinates him.

Karaku thoroughly enjoys touching you unexpectedly; he simply does it to see the way your body reacts.

You’re basically Karaku's doll, his new porcelain doll wrapped in plastic.

He’ll do anything in his power to make you completely dependent on him and him alone.

Karaku breaking and molding you into his little dependent doll is only a cover-up for how much he needs you.

If you need him, he won’t ever have to worry about the one thing he needs most escaping from his grasp.

It takes much effort to make Karaku the slightest bit unhappy.

Throw a tantrum? He thinks it's cute.

Hurt him? He enjoys pinning you down, Karaku will put up with all of your antics.

The only thing that can manage to set off Karaku is trying to escape.

Attempting to escape his grasp drives him mad; why would you ever try to leave him?

Karaku will hunt you down until the second he takes his last breath.

Gyokko ・❥・

You were the first thing to make Gyokko pause in awe, besides his own vases.

A mere human with beauty that puts one of his vases to shame? Gyokko couldn’t wrap his mind around the phenomenon.

Gyokko spent a couple of weeks stalking you from the shadows.

He needed to capture your beauty somewhere, and that somewhere was on a vase.

Gyokko spends hours studying your features, painting out every little detail of your existence on an empty vase.

Your essence needed to be captured permanently.

Gyokko wants nothing more than to show you his work—just something, anything that’ll impress you.

All he wants is your validation—to make you pause in awe just as much as he did when he first laid eyes on you.

Deep down, Gyokko knows better; he shouldn’t dare show himself.

He has just enough sense left to acknowledge his form, half of his body encapsulated in a vase, and a terrifying face as a cherry on top.

Gyokko only has enough confidence to watch you silently from the depths of the night.

By now, there are at least fifty vases, all in your name.

Gyokko quenches his heart's desire for you by admiring you on his vases; it’s almost as if you’re really there.

Somehow, someday Gyokko will have you posing right before his eyes as he paints every inch of you.

Kaigaku ・❥・

On the outside, Kaigaku is seen as an arrogant narcissist.

What lies inside is someone insecure, who craves your acceptance more than anything.

Kaigaku ingrained your low worth compared to him into your head.

This is the only way he knows how to keep you by his side for as long as you live.

If you continue to stray, Kaigaku will resort to physical violence.

He knows no better; this is the only way in his clouded mind.

There are moments where Kaigaku gets slightly vulnerable.

This typically only happens after a battle.

Kaigaku will spend hours on end begging for your acceptance.

The demon only wants to hear that he still has a purpose, even if it's minor.

His vulnerability is hidden once more the next day.

Kaigaku will return to his verbally abusive ways, denying anything that happened the night before.

Kaigaku's only worry is that you'll see through his facade.

He can’t bear the thought of you seeing him for who he truly is.

Until that day comes, Kaigaku will force you to be by his side.

With him, you are nothing more than his puppet.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

[astroariska]

ASTROLOGY OBSERVATION [Chapter 5] ✨ - The South Node Version

Libra South Node = The urges to seek justice in this world forever.

Also i always see how Libra South Node move from one pain to another pain. They keep picking the decision that require them to hurt themselves.

Leo South Node need to burst their own bubble. They tend to live with all the privileges but doesn't realize what does their privilege means. I need to say that they have no play time in this world because they used to play so much in their past life. Remember, privilege = power.

I swear the Leo South Node is the most problematic south node ever. Because often, Leo South Node people has tendency to BLOCK other people's growth and development for the sake of themselves.

Also, the amount of too-kind parents that have Leo South Node people like, Leo South Node people will act crazy and their parents always "giving them the second chance because we are family".

Gemini South Node. Please. No matter how desperate are you, DON'T. BROKE. THE. RULES. You can outsmart it but you can't broke it. Law (Sagittarius) will beat your ass down if you misbehaving.

Gemini South Node and thinking "There's nothing i could think of this anymore" and running around from things they need to face.

Cancer South Node and the tendency to keep yourself in the shell. Remember, the more you put your shell on, the more universe break it until it hurt you.

Also the crab mentality of Cancer South Node is unbeatable. It's "If i can't get it NOBODY CAN"

Taurus South Node has the tendency to work around the love they try to earn. How about realizing that it's not what you earn and more about what you get?

Whenever Taurus South Node people thinks they need money, it's somehow always "I need more money to be STACKED" not "I need because i have none."

Taurus South Node and the urge to keep budgeting shit to the pennies. They are like, "No, i have money but not for drinking. This is the food money, this is the laundry money, this is for the coccaine, skincare, etc" like DANG WHY YOU ARE SO PARALYZED BABE?

Aquarius South Node experience a time when they are burdened by the responsibility and the duty. Many people claims that Aquarius south node are detached and cold. But it just their coping mechanism so they could keep going and not breaking down 😭

Aquarius South Node people and being the forever kid in their adult. They gonna be like "Okay, i'm adult now so i will BUY ANYTHING that i want in my childhood and i would do EVERYTHING that i want to do as a child."

Capricorn South Node HATES working hard. THEY HATE IT. Stop assuming they love what they did. THEY DON'T. THEY FEEL TORTURED. THEY ARE SO TIRED ALL THE TIME.

Also, i had no idea why Capricorn South Node ladies are always the alpha one in relationship??? They'd be all damn intimidating and would let the people take the control of relationship.

Pisces South Node, why did y'all love to be a troublemaker? I mean. Sometimes i found this placement feel like they creating a problem when they are bored or lonely.

Pisces South Node also have several addiction that prevent them to grow up as healthy person. This has to do with longing things that too good to be true.

Aries south node and the urge to fight all the people that wronged you in the past 😭

Aries south node and the rushed feeling that boils the blood. They feel their own bloodrush when they got angry so they need to be careful to pick the food for the sake of their own health.

It's the Sagittarius South Node that have the "I am BETTER than thou" behaviour.

Sagittarius South Node need to understand that diversity and the dynamics of community. What you think of truth doesn't work as truth to other people because social conditioning, privilege and poverty.

Scorpio South Node and the "It's all or nothing" mentality. How about acceptance for the sake of your dignity?

Also, i had no idea why Scorpio South Node people are SO CUTE and adorable? Like ... They are so LOVABLE.

Virgo south node and the family pressure of having WORK.

"I am the unpaid maid of my family" and proceeds to poison the whole house is a typical Virgo South Node villain story jk.

[celticcrossanon]

BRF Reading - 4th of May, 2024

This is speculation only

Cards drawn on the 4th of May, 2024

Question: What does Princess Catherine think about being appointed to the Order of the Companions of Honour?

Interpretation: Honestly, right now, I don't think she cares one way or another.

Card One: Four of Cups, reversed

The Four of Cups is a card about being indifferent to something, a 'Thanks but no thanks" card, a card about missing or rejecting opportunities. In the reverse, either these feelings become intensified, or it becomes a card of awareness, being open to and accepting opportunities, accepting what is offered with thanks.

None of those meanings fit the energy I am getting from this card, which is just blankness. There is no rejection energy, but there is no eager acceptance energy either.

The picture on the card shows Psyche sitting between her two sisters, who are talking to her non stop, as she gazes out over the cups. In this reading, Psyche represents Catherine, and the Psyche on the card comes across as zoned out, i.e. completely disconnected from what is going on around her. She has other things that are occupying her mind. This tells me that Princess Catherine doesn't have any strong emotions about her latest honour. She will accept it politely, but she is detached from the process. All her emotions are concentrated on something else (i.e. getting well) and being awarded that honour is barely making a ripple on the surface of her feelings. She just does not care - she has bigger things to worry about.

What I hear in my mind is a detached "Oh, that's nice. Thank you" polite acceptance of the honour, and then it is put down and her attention is once again focused on the things that matter to her at this time (her family and friends).

Card Two: The Page of Wands

This is the same card I got in the reading for Prince Charles, in the same position. Pages are messages, and Wands can be PR. Princess Catherine knows that she was awarded this honour as part of a public message of support by King Charles III. Again, I'm getting a very blank/detached energy here, She knows the PR message behind awarding her the honour but she just does not have the energy to care. The energy feels like someone saying politely "Thank you very much for doing that" and then immediately refocusing on their own concerns. There is no interest, no excitement or hurt feelings, nothing. It simply does not matter to her at this stage what King Charles does to publicly show his support for her. I am getting gratitude for the support, but even that is a detached feeling.

Card Three: The Two of Cups in Reverse

The Two of Cups is about partnerships, romantic, familial, friendships, business partners, etc. In the reverse. the partnership is broken, or there is separation from something or rejection of something, or there is an imbalance in a relationship.

There is a bit more emotion in this card than the others, but still not a lot. So mainly blankness, but also an energy of irritation - Catherine was faintly irritated or annoyed by something - and an energy of imbalance, as though she had to accept the honour when she really would have rather said no.

Did King Charles try to turn this into a PR piece to improve his image? Or to show how close he was to Princess Catherine, or something like that? It could even be Queen Camilla. I'm getting a sense that Princess Catherine was asked to do something that she did not want to do and she had to tell the person No, possibly several times, before they backed off.

I drew a clarifier and it was The Hierophant, so whatever this was it concerned the BRF, or members of the BRF, and I am getting the energy that it was for PR of some sort (as per the previous card), and Princess Catherine said No, she would not exploit her condition like that.

The overall energy of this card is of someone saying in a voice full of exhaustion 'Just go away and leave me alone, please. The answer is No.'

Whatever happened, it has weakened the bond between Princess Catherine and this member of the BRF. I have asked who the other person is, but I'm not getting a clear answer. It is not Prince William. The energy is of a family bond, but not a romantic one, and also of a power imbalance, which is why I am thinking The King or The Queen, but it could be anyone in the family who is 'higher up' in the hierarchy than she is.

Underlying Energy: The Ten of Wands

This is the card for feeling burdened or carrying a burden, and that is exactly how Princess Catherine is feeling. The energy of this card is of someone who is exhausted and who really does not care about anything outside their immediate concerns, because they don't have the energy and the emotional resources to deal with anything other than what they are currently going through.

This could also indicate that Princess Catherine sees her appointment to the Order of the Companions of Merit as more of a burden than anything else at this point in time.

Conclusion:

The overwhelming energy of this reading is of blankness, someone who is too tired and too focused on other things to have the resources to care very much, if at all, about this latest honour. If Princess Catherine does think anything about it, she is more likely to see it as a burden in her current state than anything else, although of course she would accept it politely. All her energy is focused elsewhere and she does not have the time/space/resources to care very much about this award.

Princess Catherine is aware of the PR message in giving her this honour, and she is grateful for the show of support, but she is also too tired and too focused elsewhere to care very much about it.

Something happened in association with being awarded this honour, some sort of emotional blackmail being used to get her to agree to something or an imbalance of power being used to get her to agree to something, and she had to say No very firmly, and that irritated her and has caused a small rift between her and the other person involved. She is annoyed that they were so persistent and would not take No for an answer or that they tried to manipulate her when she was so unwell and stressed.

The overall energy of this reading is of someone who is so tired and so focused on other things that they just don't have the space to care very much about being awarded this honour and the significance of the award etc. It does not matter to them at this point in time.

[marilynthornhilllover]

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[xjulixred45x]

I want to take some time to voice my appreciation for you. Thank you for answering my questions and requests * bows*. I have another Yandere Platonic Nanami and Yandere Platonic Higuruma request. May I request for General Jealosy hcs involving them and how they feel act towards other people especially like Kusakabe, Shoko and for a time Principal Yaga when it comes to Necro. How do they react if they notice them hovering or going to them when both Yanderes are too much to handle

Awww You're welcome sweetie! My pleasure.

(this is a little shorter than the usual bc is a stablished scenario)

Platonic!Yandere! Nanami/Higuruma x Necro! Reader: Jelousy Hc

Genre: Headcanons

Reader: female

Warnings: PLATONIC YANDERE BEHAVIOR, OBSESIVE BEHAVIOR, OVERPROTECTION, JELOUSY, UNHEALTY MINDSET. Necromancer Reader kind of have the Stockholm syndrome.

OK, first of all, Higuruma and Nanami's dynamic would be slightly different at this point.

I already mentioned in several posts about these two that they constantly competed against each other either for Necro's affection or for her favoritism, which generated quarrels, fights, mutual murder attempts, etc.

However, over time and realizing that following this dynamic negatively affects things (Necro gets angry/sad when seeing them like this, no one ends up getting what they want, etc.), they agree to try to accept each other.

Nanami and Higuruma are stifling and somewhat terrifying platonic yanderes, but they can balance each other out well after they reach this bias.

Nanami is the one who sets a strict schedule so that they both have the attention and company of Necro (both individually and all together) and thus avoid problems, being as fair as possible.

Higuruma, on the other hand, respects this arrangement With His Life, since he knows that it is the closest he would come to sharing custody of Necro. so he is not willing to waste the time they have together.

They even learn to like/befriend each other thanks to this, since they now better understand the fact that They Both Want the Same Thing (unfortunately for Necro).

However, this has its disadvantages, since both have no problem supporting and encouraging the negative aspects of the other.

Higuruma is very one to go to extremes, he either doesn't punish Necro at all or he can cast his CT on her. no middle ground. Nanami sees it as a way to show her respect.

Nanami is a control freak and overprotective, who does not hesitate to use the Gaslight to make Necro listen to him and do what he tells her. Higuruma only sees it as a necessary means of protecting their daughter.

As you can see, Necro has nowhere to turn within her captivity, she has no allies. which is frustrating to say the least.

Even if Necro manages to negotiate things like going to the academy or going out under certain conditions, she is ALWAYS under the gaze of one of the two.

and honestly it's too much.

This is where Necro's confident adults come in.

In general, thanks to Nanami and Higuruma, Necro has no IDEA what a safe adult is like or how she should say that she is in a horrible situation because thanks to all the shit they put her through, she has it super normalized.

But she ends up naturally gravitating toward people who give her the security that Higuruma and Nanami don't, the security that she CRAVES to have at that moment.

Considering Nanami and Higuruma's overprotectiveness, I imagine that Necro not only tries not to get hurt, but is PANIC about going to see Shoko at first because her "parents" could use her injuries as an excuse to get her out of the school, aka taking away the little freedom she has.

Obviously Shoko realizes this even without being told, but at first she doesn't do anything because she can't clearly distinguish what Necro is so afraid of.

Maybe even Shoko thinks it's just the shock of having faced a curse and thinks she's being dramatic.

but when she continues to see her and continues to have that panic, Shoko notices something strange here.

Shoko is more open to asking questions and finding out what's wrong with Necro, even threatening to tell her parents if she doesn't tell her about her situation.

and when does he find out? She is very disappointed in Nanami.

We could say that Shoko hides any type of trace or evidence that Necro was ever in the infirmary, so Higuruma and Nanami cannot take her out of school because of how "dangerous it is" and even recommend her to rise in rank.

She is a safe adult in the sense that she hides and helps Necro from the shadows, incognito.

If we go with Kusakabe, Necro is most likely from Kyoto then.

and having a rather strange technique like Necromancy, he was required to have a private teacher, who turned out to be Kusakabe.

Now, Kusakabe is definitely a pretty mediocre teacher compared to others, but at least with his private students (Necro, Miwa) he does decent jobs.

so he would be frankly impressed by Necro's level in his CT.

but he would be more impressed (in a bad way) when he finds out that Necro's "parents" want to remove her from the institution for no reason.

Besides, he is not stupid, he realizes Necro's rejection of the topic of parents, so he thinks that Necro's parents are surely abusive in some way.

He is the one who most openly tries to help and protect Necro, whether it be giving her a place to go after classes, taking her out to eat at practice, or covering her with Nanami and Higuruma.

They are definitely both very upset about this.

I mean, they just learned to get along and Necro comes out with this?

they definitely try to use victim blaming on the situation, but neither Shoko nor Kusakabe will let them.

Nanami knows that they can't touch Shoko without the jujutsu authorities coming down on them for killing their only healer, and even if Kusakabe isn't as strong as him, it definitely doesn't make him any less of a danger to them.

Higuruma could be more impulsive and directly try to go after Kusakabe's head, but he knows that if he does (either of them honestly), Necro would hate them for LIFE, leaving them at square one of the relationship.

and as I made clear in a previous post, these bastards are very codependent on Necro and her attention, if you deny it long enough, they could easily go crazy.

although in part it could also cause them to make more arbitrary and not so good decisions...if y'know what i mean...

It's a big mess. and Necro is right in the center.

good luck!

Shares, reblogs and comments are very welcome!

Collage kicking my ass, wish me luckಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

[goodbyeapathy8]

Disability in Legend of ShenLi

I was really not expecting this many thoughts about disability in a xianxia. But, here we are!

Wrote briefly about it before and how one of my xianxia pet peeves is that the female lead will inevitably go blind and we know this because THERE'S A WHITE SCARF TIED AROUND HER EYES. And it's always temporary, no one really stays disabled.

At least in Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms, there was some half-assed explanation about the "light" hurting Bai Qian's eyes but still...

What was interesting (and surprisingly realistic) about Legend of ShenLi is that her period of "leveling up" and having disability is that her disability changes daily. Which is what a lot of us deal with - it's not a predictable level of "oh it's hard for me to walk" but rather, some days, I wake up with the energy to do things and then suddenly have a flareup for no reason the next day. Sometimes within a few hours, in the same day.

There's also quite a bit of insight into what's frustrating about disability, that there's a fear your health will only continue to get worse. In particular is the scene in episode 28, where ShenLi is "stuck" in her body, not being able to hear or see etc and she panics.

It was a painful scene for me, only because it's a realistic possibility for a lot of us with disabilities.

But, let's also get to the happy parts and how Xingzhi is truly an accommodation god.

His pitying is done in private. He never expresses that OR toxic positivity to ShenLi directly. He also accepts her day to day differences in conditions without question. He doesn't ask what she needs (!!) and instead, quietly adds bumper cushions to table corners, things to help with her physical rehab (ropes hanging from the ceiling), and hugs her on the hard days.

(Bruh, where's MY Xingzhi, dammit?!)

What's most important and striking to me is that it doesn't seem to matter to Xingzhi whether she "gets better" or not. It's shown and implied that he wouldn't mind and would be accepting if this was how ShenLi was, for the rest of her life. Even though, in later episodes, he's shown in admiration for her newly leveled up skills, his respect for her doesn't diminish because her powers aren't there.

Anyway, let me stop myself before I write yet another mega post. I'm going to end with the scene that made me feel SO SINGLE. How Xingzhi, after Shenli's panic attack, still thinks she's like, the cutest widdle meow meow ever and like AGAIN, WHERE IS MY XINGZH- I'm done lol

Also, any appreciation for this post could definitely go towards Omar's family in Gaza (link goes to their GoFundMe). Their need is verified and if you want to learn more, I have a pinned post.

[divinebunnii]

This is a genuine question because I don't have ADHD so I don't know what it's like. (I have OCD and worry a lot.) I have a coworker who is rude and yell at me when stressed (which is often) and she has ADHD. I once met someone else with ADHD who said apologizing was hard for her because it made her very emotional. My coworker never apologizes but I notice that she will try to be nicer than usual after yelling at me. I do feel resentful at her but I also understand that she's not doing it to hurt me but I also feel like I don't deserve to get yelled at. But I'm afraid that if I talk to her about it it's gonna trigger another meltdown so I just try to ignore it.

What would you have prefered if you were in that situation?

so, as someone who suffers from childhood trauma, CPTSD, have borderline personality disorder, on top of being adhd autistic, it is totally rude. having spent the last 10 years of my life getting as much control over my snap reactions is something I do not take lightly, because if you genuinely don’t want to react that way, you do whatever you can to not react that way. it’s fucking hard, especially without medication, but we have to be able to reflect on what we’ve done / did and try to rationalize that it’s not appropriate behavior.

I’m not saying it’s controllable, but taking accountability and apologizing is not something that should be put on the back burner. if apologizing makes you emotional, like it does me, do it fucking anyway. if the conversation is uncomfortable or awkward, have it fucking anyway. ESPECIALLY in a work environment, the last time I worked a job in the real world I went fucking crazy on one of my bosses that didn’t deserve it, and I have regretted not apologizing and explaining myself ever since. If you let that shit just slide, it will always happen again and again. It’s sucks, but we HAVE to recondition our brains to accept that what we did was wrong, and keep training ourselves to not respond in those instant, negative ways every single time. And it is possible, it takes time, it takes work, it takes really wanting to not wallow in the pit of our triggers and grow from them to be a better person, not just to be kinder to ourselves, but for those around us, that have to be around us. They don’t deserve it either, and that perspective can move mountains.

in my opinion, the only time it’s acceptable is when someone is genuinely pushing you. but if it’s a snap, an instant, and you can recognize it wasn’t an okay reaction to have, you MUST be an adult and take responsibility. we might not have meant it, but we still DID it, and that must be addressed. Otherwise we will never have the coping tools and mechanisms to avoid rumination / spirals. And that girl will never grow from those reactions.

I still have moments I can’t catch myself, because I went through a fucking lot of shit in my childhood. There are things that get me for a week or more and I can’t pull myself out, but I have learned to regulate those feelings for the most part, after the fact. I used to go into blackout rages, I used to throw things, kick holes in walls, etc etc. it got to the point where I had to ooooo at myself and say “do I want to feel this way every time? Do I want to feel that pit of guilt for having a poor reaction?”

I fortunately had a very understanding and caring husband, who supported me and gave me the real talk when it needed to be real. he has always given me calm and kindness in my moments of weakness, which is how I think it should be approached. Resentment can be felt, which only amplifies quick negative reactions. we can train ourselves to not negatively respond to a trigger immediately, we can condition ourselves to understand that being an adult that functions as well as we can around others means taking accountability, taking responsibility, and genuinely trying to help ourselves from the pain we feel in that moment.

but if you’re asking how I would approach her in general, I’d still mention it every single time. “I know you’re stressed, I didn’t / don’t deserve that”. Apologizing, holding yourself to a better mindset, it’s possible, it just takes calm and supportive words and energies sometimes.

this is a long winded way of saying just because you feel guilty for reacting a way doesn’t give you the right to blow it off like nothing. own up, and just keep growing.

[sukunafuka]

Suka give us a list of ur nastiest kinks and fantasies, vanilla be damned

18+ ONLY NSFW

(ALL OF THESE ARE PURELY FICTIONAL AND I JUST LIKE TO READ ABOUT THEM. I DO NOT WANT THEM IRL)

i fear there are too many to list properly but i’ll try🫶🏻 all of my fics are literally just my kinks hidden behind writing lmaoo but there is a lot of stuff i haven’t delved into yet. in spite of potentially leaving some out on accident, i’ll give you a few off the top of my head:

a huge one for me will always be somno (take one look at my fics😔)

dad’s best friend (at least 20 yrs older than you) who knows it’s morally wrong to want his friend’s daughter who’s in her 20s and has to be convinced over YEARS to even touch her makes me DROOL(daddy issues lol) this can be classified as age gap right?

exhibitionism will always make me kick my feet, something about the humiliation and the control aspect of it. (ie: guy shoving his hand into your pants sitting beside you at dinner and keeping a straight face as he rubs at your clit) 🤤 being fucked on a train around a bunch of people who have no idea has always excited me too

i (usually) won’t read a fic that has cheating in it because it just doesn’t rly do it for me but the idea of dating an older man and his son is around your age and he can’t help but wanna fuck you, is so jealous of his dad, talks to his friends about what they think your pussy looks like/ just stupid locker room talk is so hot for what???? (my megumi and toji fic is literally one of my favorite things i’ve written) idk what this is classified as in the kink world- maybe cuckolding??

virgin!!!!! i don’t think it’s overdone at all, you just have to be able to write it creatively and make it stand out from the usual virgin fics (not easy to do). at risk of sounding like a middle aged dude who fucks virgins as sport (toji? lol) i really love the idea of feeling something good for the first time with someone you love and the potential embarrassing moments that can occur during the act. showing a virgin how new things can feel too is so sweet and alluring (choso fic about this has been in my head since i started tumblr lol just haven’t finished that fic) also love the implication that they don’t want to have sexual relations with someone unless they are in love since they’re in their 20s and still a virgin<3 so sweet

i’m a certified monster fucker😔 BIG FAT DICK and SMOLL HUMAN. lol. love the idea of monster looking at his dick and then at you and being like ‘… i don’t think this’ll work’ LOLOL he doesn’t wanna hurt you🥹also love the fact that they’re not conditioned by our stupid society. like your insecurities don’t even matter with him because he’s literally a monster who accepts and loves you without question, not even a thought in his mind, whereas human men have subconscious and conscious standards for women because of media/what they’re told. body hair, tightness, body image, etc.

controversial but i love stepcest, the idea of knowing it has to be a secret and it’s ‘wrong’ but the yearning for one another is so intense that you can’t resist?? like damn they want eachother that badly. the potential funny moments that can be weaved into a fic about this is so entertaining too. being secretive in general and sneaking around has always been hot as well. something about a step brother who you laugh with, who protects you from bullies, who gets annoyed with you, who you hated when you first met but warmed up to, who you hangout in his room even when he says to get out because you’re annoying, who you give dirty looks to the girls he brings around, who you sometimes sleep in his room because you had a nightmare and he begrudgingly lets you but puts pillows between you with annoyance because you ‘kick in your sleep.’ idk, it’s the way you can be yourself with them, and they love you all the same. (i have issues)

professor/student yes pls. (only college student and professor). again, it’s secretive. makes you feel like reader is just special and he can’t resist. the power dynamic 🫦the yearning, the slowburn, the idea of him teaching you something and being happy when you understand it or get a good grade. them being proud of you and patting you on the head platonically but you’re suddenly throbbing in your panties. slowly convincing him that it’s okay and that no one will know. hottt

bully is too good.(hello sukuna!) he’s so mean and even pushes you physically sometimes against walls or to the floor, spills things all over you, humiliates you in front of everyone, calls you names, makes sure you know that he’s in charge. but he never lets anyone else bully you, you’re his and he protects you like you’re his pet. eventually he realizes that he likes you and he’ll never admit it verbally but he starts to do nice things hidden behind mean words. real enemies to lovers. ultimate slow burn. think it can be really intense if done right. so dominant!!

a few more without explanations: slapping during sex, spitting, choking, overstimulation, mask play, predator/prey, hybrid, etc.

[ae-azile]

that ask game: 2, 12, 14, 17, 18, 21, 22

This is for the KinnPorsche fandom, since I think most of my active followers know me from there. 🙂

2. Compelling argument as to why my fave would never top or bottom: 

Hmmm, this one is a bit hard for a couple reasons. For one, I don't have one definitive favorite. I actually enjoy/appreciate a lot of the characters for different reasons so it is hard to narrow it down to one, singular character. For another, I feel like all of the characters could go vers under the right conditions, and I don't think it matters when it comes to who tops or bottoms. But I will go with two characters who I struggle to see as potentially vers. 

Kim: I feel like Kim (at least in the show) struggles with relinquishing control, but also needs someone he trusts to take over. Personally, I think he needs someone he loves and trusts to have sex at all. While topping does not always equal control (and bottoming doesn't always equal submission), I think many mistake it as such. To me, if he found the right person to take that step with, he would likely show that devotion through a willingness to bottom. He struggles with words, so this is the next best thing: Letting someone take care of him and trusting them not to hurt him - something that is very hard for him to do otherwise. 

Kinn: I wouldn't necessarily call Kinn a fave, but I have compassion for him and I find him very interesting. I struggle with seeing him bottom. The thing is, I don't struggle with seeing Porsche top. If Porsche found someone more vers, I think he would be down for either role. However, I also think Kinn’s rigidity in these roles also stems from a struggle to relinquish control. However, I think his control issues are much more pronounced due to his position. While he goes soft for Porsche and clearly adores him, he has been trained to be a leader, masculine, tough, etc. Despite Korn accepting his sons and their sexualities, the environment Kinn was not only raised in, but trained to lead is a breeding ground for toxic masculinity and not getting too close and comfortable with people - even those you should be close and comfortable with. Taking that into account and the fact his first known significant love betrayed him, I feel like he would really struggle opening himself up enough to bottom, even with Porsche. He would most likely CONSIDER it for Porsche and I don't completely rule it out, but it would be a struggle for him to get to that point. 

12. The unpopular character I really like:

 “Like” may be a strong word, but I find Korn and Gun FASCINATING. I would eat up an entire prequel series about these brothers. Gun is an abusive father, Korn appears to be a passive and kind one, yet Gun sees his brother as pure evil. While I don't necessarily think Korn is 100% evil, I truly believe he has less of a conscience than Gun does. Gun manipulates and beats his oldest son. He stabs one of the guards and has him beheaded posthumously. We witness those things because we are SUPPOSED to be on the major family side and see them as the much lesser evil. The thing is, they aren't, and I believe Korn is the colder and more sadistic one in the scheme of things, even while being an accepting father who probably genuinely loves his sons on some level. Both Gun and Korn are guilty of terrible crimes. They have had the same traumas passed down to them by their likely terrible father, but emerged from that trauma as very different people. 

I read Gun as someone who is perpetuating the abuse he likely suffered as a child. He is not a born villain. Korn was older, and likely calmer and more level-headed. He was assigned as heir, while Gun was the spare. Gun used the comparison of Korn and their father as a way to compare their capacity for evil. It is the only time in the show Korn genuinely looks taken aback and offended. It's subtle, but it's there. They both likely suffered at the hands of this man and were traumatized by whatever crimes he committed, but Korn never passed that down and hit his sons. As for Gun, he never killed his foster brother-in-law, faked the deaths of his foster sisters and her sons, and kept said foster sister as a prisoner for years and years (unless you believe Korn’s story about Gun killing Pat, which I don't). 

Anyway, I don't LOVE them, but I wish more fic writers explored their complexities. 

14. The one thing I see in fics all the time: 

ABO. I get that it's popular, and I will admit some aspects of it are kind of hot. But I feel like the dynamic taking over the whole environment and twisting it into something strongly dependent on these roles in society is what keeps me from ever seeking it out. Despite that, it comes up a lot in so many fandoms. I might still watch PitBabe though, since the acting looks good from what little I have seen.

17. There should be more type of this fic/art: 

I have a list! 

Crack fics, preferably crack treated seriously/semi-seriously. I want some high quality works that suck me in and make me laugh in this fandom. There are some great ones, but not enough. I need MORE.

One half of the couple believing the other half is dead (but are they?) I need to see KinnPorsche, VegasPete, ArmKhun, KimChay, etc going through that angst. 

Brotherly bonding fics. I love writing sibling dynamics and exploring them, likely because I was deprived of one and grew up feeling pretty isolated due to my home situation. So I really would love to see more fics putting a strong focus on one or more sets of siblings.

 

18. The fandom has been sleeping on: 

ArmKhun. It's somewhat recognized, but I need more people to open their eyes! Arm is so soft with him (with the exception of pushing Khun towards Pete’s ghost, but Khun did throw his effigy in the fire). He calmly and gently explains plot points of shows Khun misses. He is the first one to offer physical comfort. He knows how to get his mind off of things. As for Khun, he seems to trust Arm so much. If you look at them closely, Arm is the first one he often gravitates towards for physical comfort when he is feeling anxious. He also chose to stay with him rather than in a safe room or off the property during the attack. 

The mothers. I want their backstories, I need to know how the Theerapanyakuls feel about them. All we have is Kinn saying he is more like his mother before shooting a man in the head, and Vegas looking heartbroken when Gun says he is stupid like his mother. 

Namphueng. The woman was locked up for close to twenty years and even in the best written fics I have read, she is often a background player. There is so much potential to explore memory and speech loss, disability, regaining some memories and independence if the story allows, her rebuilding a relationship with her sons and interacting with the others, etc. 

21. What part of canon do I think is overhyped? 

Initially, I would have said KimChay. They didn't pull me in first watch. I didn't hate their storyline, but I wish it was a little more interwoven into the main plot, and part of me still does. However, they really did pull me in when I watched it again, and now I guess I write about them the most. Still odd to me, but I find them to be really interesting when exploring them in fic. 

Now? I really couldn't tell you. I guess I would have to look into everything else that is hyped up and go from there. 

22. My favorite part of canon everyone else ignores: 

I don't know if everyone ignores it, but I love that Arm is working multiple guard positions? Boy does surveillance, builds and distributes weapons, designs high tech spy gear, and goes on missions with Kinn (which is sort of dumb in hindsight because he is one of the main people holding that compound together). On top of that, he was the first one to tend to Big when he was shot, implying he has some medic or strong first aid knowledge, led the clean up crew after Tawan set off the bomb, and then built bombs of his own for the attack on the compound later on. 

He does all of this, and still manages to be a guard to Tankhun, who is likely the safest yet most emotionally demanding family member. And he seems committed to that position. I am sure Arm could easily be removed from Tankhun's team. He has plenty of other work demands, and he better be the highest paid guard other than Chan. Yet he chooses to stay with Khun along with taking on all of those duties. Hm. Love that for him though. 

[gaypiratepropaganda]

gay pirate glossary

articles- ship's articles. the papers you sign to join a crew. different ships have different rules. pirates got to make up their own.

bosun- boatswain. in charge of things that happen on deck. pretty sure there's supposed to be an apostrophe in there somewhere (bo'sun? bo's'n?)

bosun's chair- the swing thing for working on the side of the ship or bringing breakfast up to your co-captain.

bow- front of the ship.

bridge- the higher deck on top of the cabin? where you steer the ship from. only certain people are supposed to go up there, usually.

brig- the jail place below deck where you keep people who are annoying you.

captain- you know this one for sure, but pirate captains were a bit different than other captains. since they weren’t backed by any kind of government and could be mutinied or voted out at any time, they had to earn their crew’s respect. they needed the crew to see them as an equal, but still an authority on certain things. sometimes there was no captain, or they took turns.

doldrums- when the wind isn’t blowing for a while and everyone kind of loses their minds

flogging- punishment used on sailors in which a person is tied up and whipped a certain amount of times, depending on their transgression (30 lashes, 40 lashes, etc). It could get pretty bad, people died from it. allegedly you could volunteer to whip your friends so that it wouldn’t hurt as bad. people say this is where the phrase "I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine" comes from, but that doesn't seem true

galley- the kitchen on a boat. sometimes doubles as the infirmary.

grog- daily rations of rum, mashed fruit, sketchy water, and sugar mixed into a delicious punch.

gun- the thing that shoots cannonballs.

hardtack- hard sad little crackerbreads that keep well but are very bland. sometimes there were bonus bugs in (extra protein!)

head- the toilet. it’s basically a board with a hole in it at the front of the ship. it goes straight into the ocean.

keelhauling- tying someone to the end of a rope and dropping them off the front of a ship so that they’re dragged under it and they drown or their skin gets ripped up by barnacles. fun.

(note: pirates didn’t usually use torture methods like keelhauling or flogging, especially not on their own crewmates. that was the navy and the merchant ships. a lot of people started out on those, mutinied because of the harsh conditions, stole the ship they were on, and became pirates. if a pirate captain tried that shit, they would not be captain for very long.)

kohl- black eyeliner made by the indigenous people of africa, india, and the middle east. i think it was invented in egypt? if pirates wore it, then tragically no one wrote about it. but it’s part of the lore at this point and it’s pretty. just accept it.

letter of marque- papers that prove someone is a privateer.

matelot- pirate husband. there was a matelotage ceremony, papers to sign, and a party afterward. a mate served as, like, next of kin. they made decisions if the other couldn’t, shared quarters and possessions, all that. some people insist it was only a financial arrangement, and maybe sometimes it was. but so were straight marriages, especially at the time.

port- left when you’re facing front (like stage left)

press-ganged/shanghaied- being drugged, stolen, and sold to work on a ship involuntarily. the recruiters just had to forge your signature and then you were stuck. some people became pirates to escape. it’s press-ganging when the navy does it, shanghaiing for the merchants.

privateer- like a pirate, but authorized by the state. they were allowed to kill and steal but only enemies of the crown and they had to give everything to the king. it was a good way to get a pardon and avoid being hanged. privateers often went right back to being pirates at the first opportunity.

quartermaster- first mate, also elected by the crew.

raid- when you go on another ship and take their things. pirates weren’t really out there stealing fabulous treasure or anything. It was more basic necessities like food, water, medical supplies, clothes, dishes, money, sugar, spices, and anything of value they could find to sell. they tried to be as scary as possible so that people would surrender and they wouldn’t have to kill anyone unnecessarily. if you could get them to join your crew, even better.

rigging- all the ropes. you can climb around on them.

round robin- when you sign your names in a circle so that no one gets singled out for signing first. used in the navy.

salty- of or related to the sea, experienced as a sailor

sextant- that thing you use to measure the stars so you know where you are at sea. i think you can also use your hand somehow? i don't understand it.

shanties- those songs sailors sing. you know the ones. they were work songs, to get everybody in the same rhythm, but they were also for entertainment. there’s a lot of downtime on a sailing ship. my favorite thing is that when singing a song from the perspective of, for example, a woman waiting for her bonny lad to come back from the sea, they would sing in their man voices without changing the words.

shares- an equal cut of the loot. some people might get a share or half share more or less than other crewmembers. sometimes the captain was the one who got less? this was decided by vote. it’s like a non-profit stealing co-op.

starboard- right when you’re facing front (like stage right)

stern- back of the ship.

watch- everyone took shifts staying up to watch for other ships and make sure they stayed on course.

yardarm- the horizontal thing that the sails are on. yardies!

some basic pirate terms for you in case you need them. I did not do any research, this is 100% organic vibes-based pirate lore in honor of our boy david. i have read a lot about pirates over the years, though. fiction, nonfiction, and primary sources. these are just the fun bits that live in my brain <3

[autisticlee]

I somehow ended up on hEDS youtube and this video makes me go HMMMM. for a few years now i've had people ask me if I have hEDS or say they really think I do and should get reevaluated by a different doctor. I always have to say I don't have it because I failed the evaluation from the orthopedic specialist I saw for joint issues and chronic pain. she did the beighton test and gave me a 4/9 but you need at least 5.

after watching this, i've concluded she didn't even test me correctly? they say if you get a 4 but answer yes to things like could you put hands on the floor as a kid then it counts as a point. my hamstrings and back are so stiff and painful to bend forward, but I could do it as a kid. another is if you contorted yourself in weird ways to amuse your friends. I would always put both my legs behind my head at the same time to freak people out lmao. but according to my doctor, doing it as a kid doesn't count....and she didn't really evaluate anything else. she asked if I have the heart problems all the people in this video don't have, and if I had dislocations that specifically required professional medical attention....my parents forced my dislocated bits back into place as a kid. they refused to take me anywhere that cost them money lmao unless it was serious. like I wasn't allowed to go to the doctors when sick until I had bronchitis/pneumonia and could barely breathe. now I just get subluxation mostly which my doctor said I seem to get a lot of very often. that was it.

she didn't test for sketchy skin which I definitely have or those weird heel bumps I always thought were super gross and didn't even know had anything to do with this until now, or anything else from this video. also when she tested my knees, she grabbed one leg by the ankle while I was sitting and said my knee doesn't bend back, but they're all doing it while standing. i think my one knee at least looks like some of theirs from what I can tell, while standing?? but it doesn't do it while sitting because tight ass hamstrings. (don't remember if it's this video or a different one but having unstable hips and/or knees can cause extremely tight hamstrings and muscles apparently due to overcompensating for the instability which makes sense. my hips are so bad and knees pretty unstable too)

anyway. i had a lot of these things they covered on this diagnostic thing that my doctor did not go over and just told me I have "general hypermobility" and said it's not an issue and that my pain and and unstable joints are ~because I need to exercise more and exercising will cure it~ is what she basically said. not even concerned about the fact that I was there mainly because exercising fucked up my shoulder really badly and I told her how I fucked up my knee so bad once and couldn't even walk on it normally for months. also hips and wrists and etc. also my job is physical labor so.... exercise?? so instead of giving me things to help with my joints she just sent me to physical therapy to do shoulder workouts for one shoulder that I could only seem to do while the physical therapist was watching me and correcting me. once I did it at home, I hurt myself very quickly and could never finish the daily workouts 😅

I feel like there's a way better chance i'd have a higher score if it was done properly or I was evaluated with everything in this video, and not just denied right after scoring a 4 on the beighton test. but also impostor syndrome like what if i'm wrong....from what i've seen online in my googling, you have to have a 5+ in order to be allowed to say you have hEDS and self diagnosis isn't as accepted as it is for other things (like autism for example) because it's more specific and a "serious condition" so not sure if I can just say I have it despite it being very relatable. until I can figure out doctor stuff one day and see if I can pass a proper exam, I have to just keep saying I have "hypermobility issues with joint and muscle pain and other stuff and dont know why it's happening" whenever I talk about these problems....which is a mouthful (fingerful? if i'm typing it?)

unfortunately, I have no clue how to get a different doctor?? or if there's even anymore in my hospitals network, especially ones that know more about hEDS? I currently am not even sure what's going on with my primary. I was told he was moving offices and cutting down on how many patients he sees but would have his staff schedule me when he gets to the new place....that was over 2 years ago and im still waiting. I used to do checkups twice a year. idk what to do about it. I can't do phone calls. writing emails and stuff makes me anxious. when I contact them through the mychart app like refilling prescriptions, it comes up as a different doctor now. so not sure what's going on at all and don't know how to or feel comfortable asking???? trying to figure out medical stuff and communicate with medical staff is so overwhelming for me I rather lie down and cry instead of dealing with it lmao i need an adult! like a real one!!

if anyone wants to share info, related experiences, talk about your hEDS or hypermobility symptoms and problems, or anything else like that, feel free to share with a reblog or reply or go to my ask box!

[moonspower]

What I love about your potrayal of Vi is that you never applied "Cruelty made me angry" / "Cruelty made me soft" & instead cruelty made him confused. It seems more realistic from that perspective because theres no moralty behind his trauma like you said. Life hurt him & now he's busy trying to sort it out.

✨ anonymous. meme. still accepting!

because!!!!! most people arent super villains and neither are they angels sent from god that go one way or another. thinking otherwise is some modern media ass thinkin and im sry but my brain isnt wired for that kind of black and white thinking........... we're all so complex and we have our own ways of coping and just living our lives............. to apply those conditions to processing trauma is some goofy goofster shit, idc what anyone says

virote does awful things to people and to some people he's the nicest being theyve ever met. like no shit. he's mentally ill, he cant help what he does sometimes

i think in pushing this ' well!!! traumatized people who r nice all the time r superior ' shit that i see so often just perpetuates the narrative / trope of the perfect victim and that kind of thinking legit hurts people outside of fiction because it was brought over from real life in the first place

vi just became confused, lost, and sick of himself because of cruelty. trauma responses arent just external. theyre internal too and theyre devastating to experience, it leaks into how he interacts w. people. and theres no point in trying to slice it in a way that's easy 2 digest in good vs evil.

people get hurt

and whatever happens after that, happens

and sometimes what happens is that they're driven to evil, committing awful actions, etc etc. but realistically that's such a small amount of folks.......................... people are allowed to be messy and shitty but also kind and good when theyre hurt. all at once. all at the same time. that's range and being in touch with humanity, bih. anyway ty!!!

[ina-nis]

Being an adult with high awareness of your own condition is a strange feeling.

Your mind remains more or less on a stable space - without all the stress and helplessness of a child, or the anger and misunderstanding of a teenager, or the desperate self-discovery urges of a young adult.

Some questions remain unanswered, there’s still an unnerving sense of hopelessness and dread, but they’re not in the forefront anymore. The more you live with it, the more you learn how to live with it.

You missed out on building social connections, and you find yourself alienated from people your age. You have nothing to start with. So you might try to start lots of things, but nothing sticks, nor does anyone. At least you’re experienced enough, you know what to do, and what not. You can get around social situation just fine, and with minimal scarring.

People are most likely seeking for people who know what they want and you, lost in life as you are, isn’t as interesting to keep around, aren’t you?

Or they’re seeking a distraction, or something casual that doesn’t require maintenance.

Or they are seeking nobody. 

And you’re caught in the middle of all that, trying to fit, somehow.

You hit a wall in your treatments, because of how things are suppose to work and be done, and how you, despite your efforts, can’t seem to be able to improve significantly or “permanently”, whatever permanent might feel like.

You’re supposed to keep on seeking people and avoiding the avoidance (ah, the irony!); getting hurt in the process is normal and to be expected (sometimes, as you did before, and one of the reasons why you developed this disorder); keep on getting up and trying again, adjusting your behaviour, or your appearance, or the places you go to, or the means with which you interact with people; don’t take it personally, go to the next person, over and over and over and over again, until you find the one(s) for you.

The older you get, the more exhausting this process feels. The “failures” keep on pilling up, with very little successes to balance things out.

One might say: “it’s about the journey, not the destination” so you’re supposed to enjoy these beginnings that go nowhere, and move on to the next, since the “destination” isn’t important, right?

Other might say: “you need to be thankful of the people already in your life, you should treasure them” and you do, that still doesn’t change the fact that these “people already in your life” are superficial relationships, or professional ones, or medical ones, or casual ones, etc.

You also might hear about how people are busy, how people don’t really have times these days, how people cannot commit to friendships or other relationships for long because of a reason or another... and how that’s just how life is. You’re supposed to get used to the disposable nature of social relationships. And be happy you’re getting anything at all, even if it feels like crumbs or charity, or people doing it out of pity.

Or how you can turn to selflessness, or pets, or hobbies, or what have you, to fill the “void” left by the lack of social connectedness.

You’ve been clear enough about your boundaries and needs, but that’s somehow too much, so sure! You try to be more flexible and... of course, it doesn’t work out as well as people swore by, huh?

“Maybe you can try this other therapy/medication/self-help book!”

The older you get, the more you realize the problem is not you.

None of these things address anything. They tell you you can be happy with what you have, that you can accept things as they are and still live a fulfilling life. You already know that. It doesn’t mean you have to just sit there and take it.

[the-kipsabian]

OKAY. SO YEAH. BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR UH, QUITE SOME TIME. PLS STOP ME IF I GO OFF THE RAILS THOUGH LOL

i guess i kinda went over it in my last fic, but i think when it comes to the belt and its curse, it's not gonna leave easy. like, no. not happening. losing isn't a "get out of being cursed free" card. it gave them fame, power, prestige. it tried to eliminate every possible distraction to ensure complete focus on retaining the title. if someone were to lose the title, there has to be repercussions.

so when one loses the title, i think at first, they need to appear okay. like back to normal, everything's fine, the belt's gone and they lower their guard enough to think that they can finally move on from this nightmare. but then after that false sense of freedom, that's when the real effects kick in. like the hallucinations, which i've been tying to their fears and reasons for wanting the belt. so like for oc, wanting to be taken seriously, afraid that maybe he just got lucky in his career and he is more of a joke, the orange punch failing him because of his arm injury etc. for kip, i know he's talked about that injury and other health issues being a dark time in his life, so incorporating this fear of never really recovering and wasting away, being outcasted for his "weirdness" in the company, wanting validation for his efforts in overcoming all of that.

and of course the more graphic ones where these events are perceived by oc and kip as someone else doing something to them, whether it's enemies, friends, or even themselves or something not even of this world. but from an outsider's perspective, it always looks like they're doing it to themselves (and i tried to be clear on this in my fic but they don't actually want to hurt themselves or anyone else. it's the damn curse of the belt doing this because if you're gonna lose it, it is going to make you suffer for as long as it can, even if that means destroying friendships/relationships).

and then the senses thing. i like to think that the belt sort of dulls things while holding it to make it easier to focus or fight through the pain, so without it, it just turns everything up to 11. sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, everything. it all just goes through the roof and makes even the buzzing of lights sound like a fireworks show. it was probably already enough of an adjustment to go back to normal those first few weeks, but it only gets worse instead of better.

i like to think after they acknowledge that this was the belt's doing and they're not crazy or sick or anything, the hallucinations die down as the message got through, but everything else just comes and goes and it's a matter of adapting to it. like kip says, time doesn't heal you. it changes you. and it's going to change them with how they interact with people, how they interact with each other now knowing what happened to them and that no one else gets it, getting back in the ring and whether they accept opportunities to go after gold again or not (like, could you imagine oc and the best friends getting a chance at the trios titles and oc being the only one hesitant because god. what could those belts do to him or his friends? life isn't the same anymore). it's just a journey to learn how to cope at this point. it's not going away. that belt will forever be around haunting them in one way or another, but they learn to live with it together, helping each other out to keep living as much as they can.

... yeah, this was really unhinged. i'm sorry lol

IM SO LATE TO THIS (and right now probably not in the best condition to reply to this but i finally remembered it existed cause theres so many things in my inbox OH GOD) BUT

first of all. absolutely yes to the normal period after losing the title before the real repercussions, cause ive been thinking about that too. there needs to be a false sense of normalcy for a while, as if its because the belt is gone - the adjust period, but its more or less framed under the sense of them just not being a champion anymore, and not actually the true meaning of losing the belt, which is being free from the curse and corruption. i really love the added layer of it directly targeting the corrupteds fears tho (especially through ones self, seeing the one doing the damage being someone they love), that is a really good touch and tbh im just gonna steal that one for the canon of this au now lol

YEAH YEAH YEAH THE SENSES THO!! ive always thought about the dulling pain part tbh, how it makes sure the host fights through everything no matter what, cause holding the belt is what keeps the curse alive and as the challenges get tougher and the champion more worn out, the stronger the curse needs to be and that means feeling less about the punishment you are going through. so it would absolutely make sense to have it be the opposite after its all gone, and especially during the adjust period that would just be. absolute hell. god yes i love this

also i had absolutely not thought about the part about how going after other belts afterwards would feel like oof. but that would be so true tho. for both of them, single and in teams, that would be such a hard task to undertake and i love the added drama of that tbh. even tho no other belt is cursed (as far as we are aware of? idk house of black is holding the trios titles rn and we know what happened with the elite before), thats such an interesting take to it and absolutely something both of them would think about really hard before going for the titles, or letting their friends go for them. absolutely love this one OOF

i wanted to touch the 'time doesnt heal it changes you' part last cause this is an important topic to me personally, but like. thats so true for this tho. how time wont heal their wounds, physical or mental, about this and what they had to go through, it WILL change them. and it does over the course of the time/story too, as they do both learn to cope with the aftermath of this, both together and separately. they do understand each other better now, they can hold each other up and survive on their own. but its a positive change, they cant stop to dwell on healing wounds that will always be there, but they can move on, learn how to change things. and thats just. thats just what this is about in the end, i think. i just hope they, too, realize this on the way

[fandom-fic-prompts-and-shit]

Prompts #1 Alastor

WARNING

First two sections are not too upsetting, but the 3rd references non-con, self harm and more!

<3

❤️Wholesome Prompts

-Alastor learns about asexuality, but he finds modern labels distasteful and argues that such a thing doesn’t apply to him. Alastor grows to accept his asexuality (Though, whether or not he ever becomes comfortable using that modern label I don’t know- I don’t think he would but crazier things have happened!)

-Alastor with a trauma disorder that doesn’t involve Vietnam style war flashbacks for once maybe! His trauma could start causing dissociation which makes completing tasks difficult. Optional wholesome interactions with another character who encourages Alastor to seek support for his problems- though that’s a tall ask considering how prideful Al is. Many options here, one of them could be of c-ptsd, DID/OSDD or BPD.

- Ace date. Alastor has a date with another character, but it is strictly platonic. A wholesome opportunity to write him just having some fun.

❣️A little darker

-Age regression fic (this one is SFW what do ya think I am??) that maintains Alastor’s prideful nature. Perhaps regression in Alastor is less obvious than suddenly talking and acting like a full on child. Instead, he may opt to be alone when regressing with only the company of stuffed friends- in a secluded space where he’s not immediately worried about being attacked or barged in on. He might opt to avoid talking as much as possible when regressed even if he’s alone as hearing himself sound so “pitiful” probably doesn’t help his ego (he’s a proud motherfucker like damn bitch chill your ego is hue). When approached in a regressed state, he could try to avoid conversation as much as possible while doing his best to act “normal”.

Optional: Another character slowly and carefully encourages Al to express his regressed self more freely in a safe environment away from others (with only said character present as a caregiver.)

-Everyone thinks Alastor is sexy, how does he really feel about it? Is he flattered so long as they don’t flirt with him? Or perhaps the mere idea of people potentially seeing him as an object of desire disgusts or upsets him. Lots to explore here!

-Sex pollen/potion with a twist: When doused with some kind of potion or substance that usually causes intense sexual urges, Alastor just gets extremely cuddly and craves physical affection like petting or anything else of that nature.

Bonus points if even under the potion he’s hesitant to request this affection and finally has to blurt it out and embarrass himself a bit when the urge gets too intense and painful. (I’m so normal about Alastor, can you tell?)

💔Trigger Warning worthy:

-Losing a bet to one of the Vees. I might write this one, but if you like it you can use it to! Here was the little idea I had:

Al loses a bet to one of the Vees, perhaps in relation to angel dust I’ve seen a few fics where Alastor is the one to try and change Angel’s contract or free him so this could work or something else! I don’t feel like Al would be willing to offer his own soul, and since he’s on a “leash” I doubt he can, so I would have the conditions of his loss be that he serves (whichever of the Vees is chosen) for a finite period of time like a week/month.

-Sex Potion, still aware and able to verbally fight; but succumbs physically. (I like to hurt him a little too much ha.)

-Self harm but less from a “listens to my chemical romance, razor in hand” (sorry;-;) and more “Anxiety/panic = scratching, digging into his skin with his claws, hair pulling” etc.

-Horror birth. A classic. Parasitic being+ victim +parasitic baby birth.

-Forced feminization. This isn’t a whole prompt but it you added this to any of the above fics it could be fun.

-Consent to non-consent. Starts off consensual, Alastor attempts to nope out when he realizes how disgusting it all feels but for whatever reason this attempt is not respected and Al can’t do anything about it.

-Forced transformation into an angel and ensuing body horror. If my fellow trans-venters so desire, maybe angel Al for whatever reason is more fem than he was as a demon, but that’s fully optional. There are plenty of ways for cis angel Alastor to be horrified!