#and technically bc I’m the kind of people who is unfortunately VERY slow at feelings

[kuriruki]

Ummmmmmmmmmmm

[inklingofadream]

yes tell us the kid au

ok it comes with a title, which is "there is something wrong in this house." Also this is obscenely long and may not even make sense

and all the crack stuff is in the backstory, bc elias is the one doing it and the fics from the kids' perspectives. elias going "actually screw this, I'm making one from scratch" is a time-honored excuse to get lil baby Jarchivist, and it's what we're going with here. but, like, making a kid is a lot of effort, and they can't even talk at first, and Agnes didn't work out anyway

So he adopts. Attempt #1: Timothy Stoker, recently lost his whole family to a tragic accident, marked by the Stranger (he hasn't hit on the ritual idea yet but he figures that having some awareness of the supernatural to start with can't hurt. But for now it's all very normal). He can be very subtle about priming Tim to be Archivist, and what better way to ensure loyalty that to be Literally Family?

Unfortunately for Elias, we've seen how Tim reacts to grief in canon, and it's making drastic life changes and getting angry, depending on how much control he feels like he has and how much support he's getting. And not having control is a big theme in this, so he goes for angry. It rapidly becomes pretty obvious that Tim is not going to be a good Archivist.

So we try again, like within a year of adopting Tim. Sasha is Tim's age, and v lightly marked by the Spiral. She's great, Elias is v excited, Sasha is going to be Archivist.

But he still has Tim. And murdering a kid who's not even to double digits is a bit much, even for Elias. But Tim and Sasha bond hard and fast, which, y'know, Archivists do need Assistants. And connection to a beloved brother is probably a pretty good way to get your Archivist back if they end up in the Lonely or the like. You can't use them as cannon fodder, but he figures that Sasha can have one keeper and he can hire randos to fill the other assistant slots.

So Elias' life is going great. Second part of plan: He needs to get rid of Gertrude... some day, but he wants the time to plan it, and she's still useful. But kids grow up, and he doesn't want to put Sasha in place until he's sure he's got a timeframe nailed down for his Ritual, and he doesn't want Sasha responsible for stopping Rituals. But kids grow up and get other careers and turn into their own people.

(Kids are already their own people, you say. Well, Elias barely treats adults like people sometimes. Obviously he's not going to be any better than the controlling and possessive and manipulative stuff we get with Jon in canon with people who also do not have the ability to fight back in the way adults can. Tim can't run away to Malaysia in this! He can't even get out of the city on his own!)

And Elias finds out that he really likes being a parent (this is not at ALL proportional to the quality of said parenting). He doesn't want to be done. And so he puts into use a lil Web artifact, which is that because I say so (and because the experience of being a child and not getting your opinion considered and all your stuff being filtered through what your parents think feels v Webby, to me) he has his kids take vitamins every night, some of which are normal and some of which are Evil Vitamins of Never Grow Up. (the Evil Vitamins have extensive world-building around how and when they're useful, they won't solve Jonah's dying issue bc they're playing on the kid thing, and he's not a kid. Also they are technically still aging, just v slow)

So Tim and Sasha just kind of. Stay 8 or 9ish. And kids that age aren't that observant. It takes them a looooooonnnng time to figure things out.

Meanwhile, y'know, Elias really does like having kids. And if one super-loyal assistant is good, surely more is better? And also, Tim leveled out when he had Literally Anyone besides Elias (because obviously your Vampire Kids have tutors, you can't exactly send em to school) to bounce off of, maybe another sibling will have the same effect. So if he were to find an entity marked orphan (or... not orphan. I think he straight up steals Martin), why not? So he basically acquires Martin and Jon the same way multiple people I know have ended up with extra kids, which is remembering how cute they are and deciding more is better. The kids take well to each other, and Tim in particular gets his big brother instinct activated hard.

And the thing is. Sasha was supposed to be Archivist, but no one really knows that. He didn't tell anyone. And he likes Jon. Jon is just as curious as Sasha, but also waaaay more susceptible to positive reinforcement (for a long time Elias is Jon's favorite as much as Jon is Elias') and reminds Elias of himself more, because boy. So now Jon is future Archivist and the rest will be his assistants. But for now they're all in Vitamin Limbo

And this all sounds very fluffy and goofy, but the actual matter of the story (though it's maybe more a series of vignettes) this is for is from the kids' POV, with them gradually realizing that there's something subtly not right with Elias, and exploring how they feel trapped, how they catch on to little things, and how each discovery has to be pitched to the other three, with varying success. And then focusing on how Jon especially just. Refuses to see it. And trying to convince him otherwise just puts distance between him and the rest and makes him closer and closer with Elias. And tonally it's kind of like a haunted house story? Only the ghost is what Elias is planning for them, and what he's already doing/done to them. Eventually at least Tim stops taking the vitamins, and then that worsens for him because he has more and more idea of how wrong things are, and can't convince the others, and can't take them all away from Elias if he can, and he feels this overbearing need to protect them all but he can't

[jostenneil]

hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to recommend all those small town books and adding your thoughts and descriptions of them! It helps so much. I’m adding them to my list, I’m so excited! Also, if it’s no trouble, can you also recommend me dramas or tv shows with this narrative? I’ve been wanting a new show to watch :D

SOOO as i am sure you've seen over the course of the past few days,

hometown cha cha cha - a new gem that is absolutely fantastic to me. it's about a dentist who loses her job and takes a trip to a seaside city for some perspective, only to end up moving there and set up a dental clinic in semblance of a fresh start. the problem is that she's a city girl, and this isn't the city. there's a lot of preconceived notions that she has about the people in town, as do they about her, and so far the show has been a slow and steady practice in the kindness and patience we learn to emulate when meeting new people and understanding that they are as troubled and hopeful in their own lives as we are. also, the romance thus far is positively swoonworthy. i went into an emotional crisis last night over it

into the ring - another kdrama fave that i was positively obsessed with last year. it centers on the politics of a small town, and how a girl who is notorious for making (rightful) complaints to city hall ends up running as a district representative. initially this is only something she does bc she's in desperate need of money, but the mc has so much inherent love for her town that she ends up being a pretty proactive representative anyway. her relationship with one of the people who fields complaint calls at city hall is also a focus, and it's one of the most tenderly developed romances i've seen in a long time. there's just a lot of care and attention to detail in the show that makes your wholehearted investment worth it. every character brings something unique to the table

anne with an e - obviously if i was going to rec the book series then i was going to rec the show as well lol! if we are going to be completely technical then admittedly i do think the sullivan movies have the best portrayals of anne and gilbert as well as the best depiction of their romance (esp in the sense of accuracy, the third movie aside), but the more recent show i think does a better job of staying true to the books' nature of investing in a full cast. it really captures that homey, small town feel that i so love, and i think it expands on the cast in ways that other adaptations haven't really cared to

gilmore girls - admittedly i don't know that i need to include this bc i think everyone knows this is the go-to small town show. but nonetheless. there is a lot about the show that has aged poorly over the years (namely how enjoyable rory is as a character, which is. . . very little unfortunately as seasons go by) but i still think it possesses a lot of small town charm, esp in its comedy. the way everyone's lives just seamlessly interweave in stars hollow is both incredibly real but also ridiculously funny bc sometimes overlaps in episode plot points are so obscure as to be bizarre. i genuinely think it's a really enjoyable show up through the fourth season (the affair plot point aside)

sweet magnolias - this is a new show that started airing last year but oh my god! the level of invested i was as i watched it was so crazy. the plot touches on a lot of different characters but it centers itself in the friendship between three women who are each dealing with their own struggles and decide to open a spa together as a sort of healing project. the character arcs aren't particularly unique but everyone is nonetheless so endearing and i really appreciate how almost every character is human. like i think a lot of shows with teens can tend to make them out as unforgivable esp bc it's so common for adults to portray them these days, but the teens in this show are actually teens, and i like that they're given opportunities to grow and change in spite of mistakes they may make. i rly value those kind of narratives and overall the atmosphere of the show was just very healing. also heather headley is so damn pretty i was completely enamored with her the whole season

everwood - little to no one has heard of this show likely bc it started airing at around the same time as the oc and one tree hill and i mean. obv it was going to be overlooked in comparison. but personally i love it a lot! the initial plot's about this kid ephram who's just lost his mom and moves to colorado with his dad and sister. his dad worked a lot before his mom's death and as such ephram doesn't really have much of a relationship with him, so rebuilding that is a huge focus. there's also amy, aka the girl ephram likes, who's dealing with some trauma of her own bc her brother landed her boyfriend in a coma. there's a lot of baggage in this show re: death and i think there's a sadness that really permeates the atmosphere, but not in a way that's disconcerting per se. it's just real. it gets down to the ugliness and loneliness of trauma, esp wrt the teen characters, and i really appreciate that. the only major flaw is there's a plot point where ephram dates his college babysitter who is in college and gets her pregnant although his dad scares her off so he never finds out. but we ignore that

friday night lights - as someone who was in marching band and could still not for the life of me tell you what is what in football, this show is so damn good. it's about a rural texas town exclusively driven by its football team, except this year, the first game starts off with the star player being paralyzed from the waste down, putting a number of different people on the spot: the star player's girlfriend, his best friend, the new head coach, the runner-up qb who has never actually played a real game. i think anyone who watches the show ends up watching it for a specific character or dynamic but at the core it's just about the like. inherent goodness of people. like some of these people make mistakes due to pressure or grief but most of them are irrevocably human and that's what drives the show forward, as do the unlikely but endearing relationships formed between various people in the town. my personal favorite dynamic is between tim and lyla, who are in a bit of a unique place as the best friend and boyfriend of the injured star player

i hope you enjoy! let me know if you try any of them hehe

[morethanonepage]

3, 4, 6,8,13, 17, 24?

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

answered here for the main one (the finnpoe historical au). 

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

"And I'm not sorry. For leavin’. But how I did, sayin' what I did, I…” he’s not particularly sorry for that either — hurting Chas had been the best way to keep him from following — and it’d worked, after all. But he lets himself trail off, and hopes Chas fills in the blanks the way he needs to — the way John needs him to. John gives one last quick shrug, and rolls onto his side again, curls up around himself.

An arm wraps around his waist. The warmth of Chas’s chest presses tight against his back.

And, after a moment: “You’re still smoking like a damn chimney.”

John exhales. Doesn’t bother holding back a smile — Chas won’t see it, anyway. “I’m a bloody addict, mate. It’s a filthy fucking habit —"

“That nearly killed you."

That did kill him, technically, but he’s not about to bring it up. “That nearly bloody killed me, right. A filthy fucking habit that very nearly killed me, but in the end, ’s all I have left, yeah?"

Chas….laughs. A low, sleepy chuckle, slightly sad, slightly fond. Drops a kiss to the nape of John’s neck. “Yeah,” he says, and pulls John back against him. “Yeah, I know something about that."

(from Adrift, still one of the fics i’m proudest of having written.)

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

In a sense I both love and hate writing John Constantine bc getting the accent/rhythm even passably right (which is the best I can really do) is hard (bc show!john’s accent esp is a MESS. like supposedly bc Matt Ryan’s pulling from several places, not just Northern/Liverpudlian specifically, to reflect that John’s kind of LIVED all over the place, but also it’s just -- weird. Esp with how much show!john esp has way more time in America than any other John Constantine, so I guess that’s an excuse to uh. neuter it a bit, for ~American Audiences or w/e.)

BUT otherwise John really is very fun to write bc he’s a dick and says dumb shit sometimes just for kicks I think? Which i would love to do IRL but like, we’re not all white blond Englishmen and can’t get away with things the same way. 

8. Is what you like to write the same as what you like to read?

I mean in a sense yes bc i don’t like to read OR write anything. 

But also yes generally I like to read the same kind of stuff I write -- I mostly CAN’T w/ longfic, for instance, and I definitely never write it. I also have preferences for established relationships (getting together stuff usually bores me to read and esp bores me to write), I never write slow burn (well -- i never write slow burn to consummating the relationship. I like to both read and write emotional slow burn ie, they’re fucking the whole time but only realize they have feelings a few chapters in, and it takes another few chapters for them to DEAL with that.)

I would love to read more fusion AUs (which are some of my favorite things to write) but no one writes them well, so alas.

13. Do you share your writing online? (Drop a link!) Do you have projects you’ve kept just for yourself?

c'est moi

17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

I’m so bad at even guessing what other people might think of me -- I mostly imagine they don’t. 

I write a lot out of spite and annoyance lmfao but I think I’m pretty open about that. I’m incredibly vanilla when it comes to kinks and stuff but I think that’s also plainly obvious if you read my fic. 

Do people know I’m not white? That is one thing I do wonder about, when it comes to people who read my fic casually. I think it’s more obvious when I’m writing non-white characters but y’know i’m a race traitor & white dicks get more clicks & thus give net more validation, so I don’t do that as often, unfortunately. 

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

I mean I think/hope it’s improved, but even like, re-reading my clintcoulson stuff (which I don’t do very often, but sometimes when I get a new comment on something I’ll glance at the fic itself) my general style (heavy on subtext, light on. men who are actually capable/willing to talk about their feelings) has not changed. Like in some ways my writing is (I think) very direct and simple (I’ve never been a big purple prose person), but there’s occasional wild card words/phrases that show up sometimes which are much more in tune with my ~real world profession. Something that’s always been very important to me as a writer is like -- keeping things within the voice of the character, so when I’m in third person limited (which is what i’m most comfortable with, and basically all I write) I try to stick with vocab and idioms and preferences that are the character’s and not my own. Is that just a humblebrag? Maybe. 

But yeah I think I’ve always had and still keep a very bare-bones style when it comes to fiction writing lmfao. Like i don’t want to say Hemmingway-esque but also I do, mostly bc I think it would piss Hemmingway off. 

[alphabettcity]

loki finale ask (finally)

tbf i didn’t really go in blind because i am an internet addict. parts that were already spoiled for me include:

mobius doesnt know who loki is 😭

sylvie and loki kiss (why!) & she immediately transports him back to the tva. so presumably wasn't actually that romantic, just manipulative (still bad)

the multiverse gets created

kang is the one who remains

actually watching the episode taught me that:

kang created the tva is because he’s a genius egomaniac who wanted to keep himself safe from all the other genius egomaniac versions of himself (this totally works given his comic origins, he's dealt with many versions of himself, eg. immortus, but i have a lot more questions below)

sylki kiss was definitely not romantic. she tricked him so she could kill kang. (still not a good enough excuse smh)

my interpretation of their fight: neither loki nor sylvie, if they 100% knew that kang was telling the truth about the tva, would kill kang. sylvie told loki she was doing this because she thought he was lying. (not totally true to loki's characterization imo, i'd think that both loki and sylvie would rather deal with infinite kangs than give up on free will)

new mobius doesn't know who loki is not because the tva wiped his memories, but because this is a totally different version of mobius (unmined angst potential imo)

ravonna fights mobius, lets him live, and goes out in search of "free will", and may align with kang in the future, since ravonna in the comics is kang's wife. (curious to see what they do with her. i have Thoughts on her place in the whole religious allegory of the show i will explore in my wowki fanfic)

me overthinking things

if kang knows all why would he go through all this trouble to lead loki and sylvie here? he couldn't have done this in an easier, less heartbreaking way? his plan was so contrived :/

one question i've kinda pushed aside for the show is: what kind of time travel disruption would qualify for a nexus event? because technically any variation, no matter how small, should create a branch in the timeline, because 2 contradictory things can't happen in the same timeline at the same time. but now we might have a kind of answer: if kang founded the tva to avoid other versions of kang, he doesn't need to make sure there's 1 sacred timeline, he'd just need to make sure all the variations are so small that the infinite timelines are basically the same, so there's basically infinity copies of the same timeline in existence, thus averting multiversal war between egotistical kangs.

why was there that arbitrary barrier past which kang couldn't see? yeah, ✨suspense✨ and ✨plot✨, but it's arbitrary, and it really would've made no difference if he knew what happened to him. in fact i quite like the idea of kang walking into his own death.

thoughts that don't really fit on this list

the finale was awful. not just the sylki kiss & bad narrative choices or whatever. there was so much padding and exposition, jonathan majors's performance totally took me out of it (i doubt he's a bad actor, this episode didn't give him a good opportunity to shine), the writing was super slow and bad, this ep could have been slimmed down to like 15 minutes because not a lot actually happened.

natalie holt's music — both the titles (lokius!) and the actual tracks — slap so hard. probably the best soundtrack in the mcu other than black panther. she really gets the show

production & costume design of everything related to kang was amazing, felt very vast, old, and regal

sylvie is acutally a surprisingly well-realized woman character and i'm quite proud of the show for that. (unfortunately neither her nor b-15 are fully realized until they kiss each other which has not happened as of yet)

please watch this it has brought me great comfort

HIIII so happy u saw it <3

1. YEAH :’) that broke me .

2. IKR i am Not a Fan and yeah! it was a manipulative kiss so sylvie could get what she wants but there are so many other things they could’ve went with !!!!!

3 + 4. damn it sucks that u got spoiled for those but yeah that’s what new in the em c you !!

——

1. yep! i don’t know much about his comic origins but from what i know it seems pretty in character

2. exactly!!!!!! and yeah it’s not a good enough excuse they could’ve gone with anything else !!!!

3. yeah !! i think both options (killing kang and fighting other versions of him / ruling the timeline) seemed pretty loki HJSKD but i feel like he’s gone through lots of character development through the show and i thought they would both go with killing kang but i guess not dhdjjfjd

4. yep and it hurts . so much .

5. yeah that makes sense !! and yeah i’m curious to see what they do with her, she felt kind of vague and didn’t have enough good motives to be a villain, so yeah i’m curious to see where her character goes !!!

——

1. yeah his plan kinda backfired HJSJDJD but i guess it works for plot HJSKDKD

2.

that’s a lot of thinking to do but i think ur right !!

3. yeah ! i think that ✨suspense✨ was nice for a minute but him walking in to his own death seems way more fun

——

1. yeah it was really,,,,,,, boring ? idk i wasn’t really interested yknow? there was a lot of talky talky (ha mobius reference am i cool) so yeah this ep could’ve been a Lot better but it is what it is i guess

2. YES !!! everyday i was up and think about the opening of ep 5 (was it ep 5? i think it was yeah) but anyway i could listen to the soundtrack for HOURS

3. YEAHH they made him really interesting so i’m excited to see him again !!!

4. YES i think that’s why so many people love her bc she was really well written and she didn’t turn out to be the whole “woman helps man to get what he wants” trope !!!! she actually got what she was going for in the end so yeah !!!! also so true manifesting sylvie and hunter b 15 kiss next season

5. HAAHHAHAHH i love that tysm my day is blessed

[misterbitches]

Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas. 

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL. 

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t 

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers! 

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die. 

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts  more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more.  i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done) 

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom. 

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through. 

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao.  basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman.  anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord. 

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop. 

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t.  beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when  i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are. 

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of  bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid. 

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc. 

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me) 

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao 

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and  i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex) 

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

[avvidstarion]

For the album ask game... how about The Black Parade?

oh ABSOLUTELY. i LOVE you. this is all subject to change at the drop of the hat bc im wishy-washy and i love all of these songs anyway so

this got WAY too long so i am putting it under a readmore shhvkldlkdgjlkdsj

not including b-sides:

1. Teenagers- kind of a basic pick i know, BUT, in my defense, the song slaps. it’s such a fun song, especially when you’re singing it at the top of your lungs. the guitar part is super cool too- im trying to learn it rn but it’s a slow process bc im bad at guitar.

2. Mama- what can i say. it fucks. the old time-y feel, the harmonies/background vocals, the layers. the guitar goes so fucking hard. banging lyrics- “you should’ve raised a baby girl, i should have been a better son”??????? songs to be trans to.”but the shit that i’ve done with this fuck of a gun” is the kind of lyric that you can only properly convey if you’re screaming it at the top of your lungs. the whole ending is just. mind blowing

3. The End.- LISTEN!!!!!!!!! the end is WAY TOO FUCKING UNDERRATED!!!! oh my goddd i love it so much. i love it SO much. it’s such a perfect beginning to the song. the lyrics are great (”now come one, come all, to this tragic affair” if you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, you can find out first hand what it’s like to be me”, “another contusion, my funeral jag. here’s my resignation, i’ll serve it in drag. you’ve got front row seats to the penitence ball, when i grow up, i want to be NOTHING AT ALL!!! SAVE ME!!! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!! SAVE ME!!! TOO YOUNG TO DIE, AND MY DEAR!!! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME JUST WALK AWAY AND TAKE ME!!). the bit with the snapping and the ooooohs is fun too. such a good song, it could honestly be 1 or 2 but my ranking system isnt based in logic and makes no sense to even myself

4. House of Wolves- house of wolves was my favorite mcr song for a good chunk of time, but as a result i’m kinda burned out on it, which is why it isn’t higher.  however it is still number four  because it’s objectively a fucking amazing song. the guitar is so fuckin fun, the lyrics are great, and it’s just. fun to dance around and sing it at the top of your lungs. you better run like the devil cause they’re never gonna leave you alone!!!!! tell me i’m a bad, bad, bad, bad man!!!

5. Welcome to the Black Parade- the big man itself. the titular song. their biggest hit. a lot of people shit on wttbp for being popular and, like, pretty much the only song of theirs to ever be on the radio anymore (and even then it’s once in a blue moon), BUT. it got popular for a reason. it’s a really good song. i love the structure of it, i love how it builds and builds and builds. the lyrics are wonderfully done- “a world that sent you reelin from decimated dreams/ your misery and hate will kill us all”, the whole “do or die, you’ll never make me” stanza is The Ultimate rallying cry. and the “im just a man, i’m not a hero” is just. ughghghdlkslakdjglsdkg. the titular song of an album entirely about death and dying and misery being SO hopeful and SO upbeat really portrays the album as a whole much differently- mcr is known as The Emo Band because, yeah, their aesthetic is dark and their songs touch dark stuff but they have never been all whiney and boo-hoo-y and melancholic for the sake of melancholy. there’s always been a positive note to their music and a lot of people just don’t get that which makes me sad. anyway. wttbp is fun and i like it and i like the drums and the trumpets at the end. marching bands fuck

6. Blood- ok so the pattern here seems to be that i favor the fun songs over the slow ones, and blood sticks with that. much like with mama, i love the old time-y feel. i love that this is like a fun little bonus ditty to end the album on. the lyrics are silly and fun and jovial, and the piano is great. love it and it makes me happy

7. Disenchanted- OUGHH. OUUUUUGH. i know cancer is objectively the saddest song on the album, but disenchanted just hits different. “when the lights all went out, we watched our lives on the screen/ i hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene” just DECIMATES me, man. the acoustic guitar is a nice change of pace, and the vocal performance is just. so fucking emotional. especially the “woahhhhhhhh-ohs” at the end. great song, makes me Feel Emotions

8. The Sharpest Lives- ok so i know this is pretty much in the middle of the list, but i want to stress that i dont hate any of the songs on this album, so even the middle of the list is pretty fuckin good imo. the sharpest lives makes me go batshit.  the lyrics are so fucking wild. “a light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be” is SO fuckin sick like OH my god. what a line. also “there’s a place in the dark where the animals go/ you can take off your skin in the cannibal glow/ juliet loves the beat and the lust it commands/ drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, romeo” like WHAT?????????????? GERARD POPPED OFF W THIS ONE FOLKS!! also i love how at the beginning the whisper-y vocals bounce from ear to ear. also “so why don’t you blow me......a kiss before she goes” is fuckin hilarious. honestly this song should be higher but i havent gone through a phase where i’ve been obsessed w it yet so it stays down here for now. one day it will take hold and be all i can listen to for a month straight and THEN it will climb the ranks. 

9. Cancer- makes me cry like a liddol baby. my mom doesnt let it play in the car cause it makes her too sad. twenty one pilots covered it and it was FUCKING AWFUL so the song is kinda ruined now cause i can only think about their shitty cover. like the AUDACITY. but anyway besides that the song is heart wrenching and amazing. the hardest part of this is leavin you!!!!

10. Dead!- look, i know technically the end. and dead! are the same song/ are just continuations of each other but i’m listing them separately bc dead! is, to me, the worse of the two. not that it’s bad or anything, it just doesn’t pop off the same way the end. and all the songs before it on the list do. however i do love the guitar at the beginning and the solo, and the “one! two! one two three four! LA LA LA LAs” are super fucking fun. 

11. Famous Last Words- i used to hate this song!!!! i truly did!! it’s obvs not on the top of my list now or anything, but i have grown to appreciate it a lot more than i used to. like with wttbp, it is the silver lining of the album that betrays its optimistic side. it’s a happy final message to a dark album. the ending is fucking amazing. I am not afraid to keep on living!!!! i am not afraid to walk this world alone!!!!!!

12. Sleep- Sleep is, unfortunately, just kinda boring in comparison. i almost forgot to even put it on the list. however, i do like the “the hardest part’s the awful things that i’ve seen” and the “a drink, for the horrors that i’m in. for the good guys and the bad guys, for the monsters that i’ve been” lines. also the “three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy!” line. but overall it’s just. eh

13. This is How I Disappear- i have. complicated feelings on tihid. on one hand, it reminds me of my favorite oc, re, and is on their playlist. on the other hand, i have grown bored with it over time. it just doesn’t stand out to me at all really. that being said, i do really like the “who walks among the famous living dead” and the “can you hear me cry out to you” stanzas. 

14. I Don’t Love You- while i dont think idly is a bad song at all, it just simply isnt my kind of song. i do think gerard’s vocals are extremely strong throughout, especially during the “when you go, would you have the guts to say/ i don’t love you like i loved you yesterday” line. like wow ok maam please continue. but overall i just dont vibe w breakup songs bc i cant relate

including b sides: 1. Heaven Help Us

2. Kill All Your Friends

3. Everything else

4. My  Way Home is Through You

my reasoning: 

heaven help us is tied for my favorite mcr song Of All Time. everything about this song is catnip for lil old me. the angsty christian imagery, the vocals, the guitar. all of it. the lyrics make me lose my mind, especially the “will you pray for me? or make a saint of me? and will you lay for me? or make a saint of- cause i’ll give you all the nails you need/cover me in gasoline/ wipe away those tears of blood again/ and the punchline to the joke is asking ‘SOMEONE SAVE US’” and the “you don’t know a thing about my sins/ or the misery begins/ you don’t know, so i’m burnin! I’m burnin!!!” parts. like i absolutely vibe with this song so fucking hard. i sing it constantly, it’s great to sing (very stimmy for me), it sounds beautiful. i am obsessed with it through and through

similarly, kill all your friends also speaks to my very soul. i can’t pick favorite lyrics bc id just have to copy and paste the whole song. i love the build-up, i love the time progression throughout the song (it’s been TEN FUCKING YEARS since i’ve been seein your faaaaaace rounnnnnd heeeere), i love the “you’ll never take me alives”. literally everything about this song makes me emo. it just Gets Me. it’s literally about my greatest fear. all my friends growing up and moving away and getting on with their lives without me, leaving me to rot in my hometown waiting for them to return. we only see each other at weddings and funerals, so it’s time to kill all your friends so we can party when the funeral ends!! it’s probably tied with heaven help us, but i’m putting it at number two just because it didn’t hook me as strongly as hhu did. it’s more of a strong, steady favorite than a “this song has latched on to my very soul and i have to listen to it on repeat over and over and over again”, if that makes sense. it’s still in my top 5 mcr songs though

i never vibed with my way home is through you. i don’t listen to it often, and i just don’t really feel it. it’s not bad, it’s just. eh.

anyway if you’ve read this far down i love you so much. thank you for listening to me ramble, mcr means a lot and i love to infodump about my music tastes. i really really appreciate being given an opportunity to do so <3

[standandwatchshitburn]

Alright pholks I impulsively saw poto on broadway last night and here are my obligatory thoughts

First of all, let me preface by saying this was my first time seeing it live since I was 7, though I’ve seen so many boots that nothing was really unexpected. And without further preamble here are my thoughts in no particular order

- The overture is still my fav. The chandelier pyrotechnics were so dramatic and I had the perfect spot to see it go up. Activity on stage is rather boring but who cares my bones were vibrating

- Similarly, all the fog etc during the title song. Watching the candelabras come up? Good shit 👌🏻

-I’m not going to break down each cast member one by one, but I was super excited to see Jeremy Stolle. Unfortunately it became apparent pretty quickly that he must’ve been sick. If I wasn’t familiar with him, I might not have noticed, but he was lacking a lot of the richness in his timbre and he seemed to be taking it easy wherever he could afford to. Interestingly, this made it very clear which parts were pre-recorded. 🤷🏻‍♀️

- The managers somehow ended up being my favourite part? Just two good boys doing their best. 11/10

- There were moments where it sounded like Carlotta wasn’t mic’d. My boyfriend and I couldn’t figure it out. The lack of balance was a bit distracting, but this may be due to my overly technical brain which refuses to shut up (more on that later).

- I didn’t realise Erik actually runs around the proscenium arch. And pulls the chandelier cables! Terrifying. Get down at once.

- The chandelier drop really is comically slow, but our seats offered my bf and I excellent view of the people directly underneath it. Definitely one of the most entertaining points of the evening.

- The scene where the piano plays itself. We all agree this weird and unnecessary right? And then Christine just leaves? Explain.

- Loved being able to hear unscripted noises from other characters—gasps, etc. Especially Christine’s gasps during motn. Nice.

- Couldn’t see The Kiss (TM) but I saw The Hands and that was excellent

- Will producers actually shrivel up and die if they let their sopranos sing full voice? All these ladies have such complex, interesting sounds and it’s so much more powerful when they’re allowed to use it (end of Wishing, hello) instead of hide it away in favour of the Disney princess. Honestly it’s grating to listen to and it’s fatiguing on the voice. Do producers think we’re scared of classical training? Help me out here. I really don’t understand and I’m angry.

- On a similar note, some of the blocking really, really needs to be updated. I get that this production is the phenomenon that swept the world and is now too big to fail and audiences will come no matter what, but that doesn’t mean we have to keep the same arm gesture we did in 1986 simply because that’s what is done. I’m not talking about the large scale choreography (mostly), but the things that make you think Oh, X only did that because they were told to. It doesn’t look natural, or real, and it yanks me right out of the story and makes me laugh when I want to be sympathising with characters I love. There are so many gimmicks that made me feel like I was there to experience A Really Famous Show rather than a story. It felt dusty and irrelevant and it made me sad.

The restaged production isn’t a solution to this—it’s just different random gestures at different moments for the sake of newness. I want to say they should just give their performers more freedom to create something instead of replicate it, but with these kinds of productions that’s the opposite of how things are done, so. I dunno. I’m just going to be grumpy about it for awhile, I think.

- I also feel I should mention that my boyfriend hates poto (but came with me without complaint because he loves me. He also bought me m&ms at the train station bc he thought they would make me happy. I’m crying it’s fine) and seeing it in person did not sell him on it at all, but showing him the Leroux synopsis and other more horrific interpretations really fascinated him and he couldn’t understand why ALW decided to do it Like That instead. And if that isn’t the most poto mood.

Anyway. It was very cool and I want to see it again with new people. And if anyone wants to discuss, my ask/messages/this post are all open!

[theladypirate]

all the mannerisms questions for Murk. dew it. And the first 10 for Blessing. :3c

How boy here we go, Murk is my firbolg life cleric and I fucked them up real good in their backstory

1.Meeting someone for the first time

A little shy, polite, very worried about what kind of impression they're giving. Probably quiet.

2.Around someone they want to impress

Bashful, a little clumsy bc they're overthinking things, eager to please.

3.When they’re with someone they dislike

They withdraw a bit, they're nervous and jumpy, worried about physical altercation, ready to try to leave at a moments notice. Fake smile, doesn't reach their eyes.

4.In their workplace/occupation

Efficient, precise, even confident. They're a healer, they're good at healing, it's what they know how to do and really the only thing they think they're good for.

5.Spending time with family

They were an orphan and they never got adopted but the idea of family was always... soft. In their head. People who cared about them and would have their back like they have their family's. They're starting to realize that's what the crew of the Scarlet Ibis is... and they really hope that if they're useful enough they can stay.

6.With their closest friend/s

They're somewhat playful, when they let their shields down. They like to gently tease people and they are SO supportive.

7.Around someone they’re attracted to

Very attentive, and wanting to know all about them, delighted to know every new detail, a little shy, a little hopeful, and always very aware of how the person is feeling

8.With a lover

Murk has never had a "lover" but they have had sex. Its something of a right of passage in the Grand Wharf, and they def enjoyed it but they wouldnt seek it out on their own. I think they would probably be just ridiculously soft, and probably take up poetry.

9.When they want to be left alone

Tight, pinched smile, closed off body language, looking for an out but not able to just say they needed to be alone.

10.When they feel they are in danger

Anxious, white knuckle grip on their mace, hyper aware of their surroundings. It's an unfortunately familiar feeling.

11.Something makes them insecure

Will not make eye contact, almost ashamed, absolutely believes the insecurity is justifiably a flaw.

12.Experiencing loss

Curled in on themselves, making themselves as small as possible, somewhere nobody can see them, bc being vulnerable in front of someone is dangerous

13.Proud of an achievement

A shy smile, they tug at their braid a little and fiddle with their holy symbol and blush just a bit.

14.When something pisses them off

They have a slow temper and when it reaches a boiling point it's not explosive, it's cold. They go still and focused and can be very very vicious. They would never do that to someone they cared about tho, bc they know what that kind of thing can do to someone.

15.Looking forward to something

They hum and cant hold still, and they smile and fiddle with their hair.

16.Nervous about an uncertainty

Wringing their hands, anxiety and pacing and spiralling into worst case scenarios.

17.When they’re overwhelmingly bored

Theyll organize everything over and over again, or pray, or clean. They're not good at being still.

18.Just done something embarrassing

Burying their face in their hands and hiding, possibly tearing up, running away

19.Suppressing their emotions

"Everything is fine!" Smiling and forcing cheerfulness, even as they start shaking, clenched fists to keep the shaking from being very obvious

20.When they’re running late

Scatterbrained, forgetful, stressed, running in circles and talking to themselves

21.When they’re sick

They drag themselves out of bed and make themselves eat and take medicine and slog through the day and refuse to lay down unless someone else makes them

22.Training/working out

They're dedicated and methodical, focused. They want to get it right.

23.Trying to court/seduce someone

They've never tried, actually. I think probably they would wear something sexy, then lose their nerve and put on their robe and pretend they didn't try. They aren't really in the headspace to do anything like that rn.

24.When they’re lying

They do NOT want to be lying, they wince visibly when they lie, they babble and gesture and ramble, especially when it's to someone they care about. If they don't know or care about the person they're lying to then they might be able to lie better, but they still actively dislike doing it.

25.Trying something new

Cautiously optimistic

Blessing is a tiefling monk and every time I try to get into her head it's just *Wii menu music*

1.Meeting someone for the first time

She has absolutely no concept of stranger danger, possibly bc shes 8ft tall including horns and able to yeet most things away from her thanks to her impressive muscles and complete disregard for the laws of physics.

2.Around someone they want to impress

Idk if she ever actually cares to impress anyone ever, she Does Not Care about social status and if you dont like her thats your problem.

3.When they’re with someone they dislike

She would just leave. She doesn't care. She wont spend a single second doing something she doesn't wanna. If she had no choice but to stay near them, she would probably just pretend they dont exist. They speak to her? Suddenly she cant hear. If they try to get I to her personal space she will throw them and/or stunning strike them.

4.In their workplace/occupation

Singular focus and drive, absolutely no guiding morals or principles. She was *technically* a junior apprentice alchemist, and she likes to make potions, and is even good at it! But unless you ask for a specific one, chances are whatever she makes will be effective but... questionably useful.

5.Spending time with family

She loves her family so much, shes so relaxed around them, they climb her like shes part of the environment. It's not at all unusual to find 2-3 gnome cousins or siblings hanging off her at any given time.

6.With their closest friend/s

I'm... actually not sure shes ever had friends before? Like... family, absolutely, but friends? She was sort of sheltered growing up, so I think shes still learning what it's like to have those.

7.Around someone they’re attracted to

Probably asks to spar, tries to show off a bit and probably overdoes it, absolutely just tells them she likes them with no qualms.

8.With a lover

Shes never had one, but shes not opposed to the idea.

9.When they want to be left alone

I mean.... she will just go. Shes very good about telling people what she needs. She'll just say "I need to be alone rn" and then go... do that.

10.When they feel they are in danger

I'm not even sure Blessing understands what danger even is she probably has some kind of self preservation instinct but hell if I know what it is. She wants to punch things and make potions and everything else about her is a mystery

[the-canine-king]

i answered all 50 questions in that oc question post

note: i'm only talking about the ones i made lol i was gonna link them all the character’s names to their profiles but that shit’s way too much work so: https://toyhou.se/CanineKing/characters/folder:all/tags:1/tagged:Original

1. Your first OC ever? hmm, there's probably two answers 1) an unnamed character who was basically a fantasy dressed fox kemono boy. do you remember playing a game as a kid where you look out the window in a car and you imagine someone doing sick parkour beside your car? he was the character i imagined (there was also a whole other story i dreamt up where i was some long lost princess from other world and he was gonna save me from this one but that's a whole other thing) he's technically a character i thought of but never thought of anything beyond that, i don't think i ever drew him either 2) 4 (maybe 5) characters i made in middle school where it was about these characters that come from families that can bend one particular element, and they're all friends on school trying to get used to their passed down powers and also be basically kid superheroes. i drew them out and gave them names, but i never wrote anything beyond that, but they were definitely ones that i would call my first actual written ocs 2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs? -looks at ace, eliott, and mel- no 3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else? yup! before i wasn't so big on the adopt thing, but i turned into a fan w/ collecting designs and writing a lil story for them! i adopted 38 characters, and one other that's currently still in the process of trade :P (and unfortunately trying to purge some away) 4. A character you rarely talk about? unfortunately that'd be a lot of characters bc i'm super focused on drawing ace/ mel smooching for the 548787th time 5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be? i'd probably make it eliott bc who else doesn't love a cute, shy, goat boy on the internet 6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related? ...... i can't think of any lmao 7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories? i literally only make ocs to make stories so 8. Do you RP as any of your OCs? If you do, introduce one of your RP OCs here! nah i can't do rp stuff :'D 9. Would you ever be willing to give any of your OCs to someone else? honestly, not really if i made them lol but i guess i can if i'm not attatched to them and such, so if i just made a design and offered them up then yeah i can trade them (unless i love their design lol) 10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design? even thought i haven't fully drawn my plans for his outfit, azazel would be the most complicated in my standards 11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a “sunshine”? me personally, i'd say eliott bc that baby boy is trying his best story wise, either thorne or lucas (but totally lucas since thorne is a liar at heart) 12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot TOO MANY AUGH the very first oc i fell in love with but was forever homes was like a fantasy setting character that was an adventurer and had eagle legs/ other features w/ banging colours but other than that too many others 13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs? again, a lot, i guess. bc they mostly fall into that trope? aiden (even though he's trying to be a better person), damien, eve, hugh (in a way), jack, ollie, ricky, roman, and wyatt 14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory uhhhh, hard to choose, i don't have any more bc i haven't written their backstories yet lol - growing up as a theif his whole life to support him and his mother, accidentally kills someone after an awakening of powers and is had to run from his hometown - growing up being shadowed over and forced to be someone that they're not, only to get their hubris get to them, causing themselves and others get hurt and can't even remember the person they loved - growing up w/ betrayal after betrayal she closed herself off, but they met someone and slowly opened up and accidentally fell in love w/ them, only later getting caught and fell from grce, then only to find the person they trusted before not remember them - after being caught on what seemed to be a fatal accident, gets rescured from a miraculous surgery, but he's slowly forgetting what he looks like and who he was every passing second - two people close to each other, only to end up w/ betrayal and lies 15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people? absolutely but if they ask me something i haven't planned yet i'm just "UHHH" 16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)? 17. Any OC OTPs? nah ace/ mel is my notp :/ anyways if it's couples in general then: - ace/ mel - lucas/ darla - kaiko/ caspian - + a bunch of the parents in the monster family story - damon/ ollie (okay i'm really not planning for them to be together, but they cute u.u) - jebediah/ demon boyfriend - gunther/ harem - nadiya/ her girlfriend which i still haven't decided if i want her to be like a princess or a traveling swordsman of sorts) - the chimera girl i designed/ her human girlfriend - the fallen god/ mercenary 18. Any OC crackships? uhh i actually don't know :V anyone of the people listed  being w/ someone else would be a crackship? idk every other pairing i know i wouldn't like lol 19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why) i guess eliott! i guess also catherine, ricky, comet, and/ or captain since they were my fist group of ocs i wrote a bit about, but i think eliott means a lot more bc he was the one that got me thinking more about ocs  :> 20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)? for some reason i feel like rosa would be a singer? va hc would be someone w/ a strong husky voice and she would probably sing really well in kind of old slow songs you hear in old bars i also thought maybe lillie could sing too, but they’d usually be softer songs or lullabies to calm herself down it’d be nice/ cool to write for fallen god to be able to sing as well, and maybe the mercenary too so they can have nights signing together. maybe fallen god can sing songs that are in their own god language or whatever, and mercenary can watch in awe there may be others but i can’t think of them rn/ they might be charas i haven’t fully made yet 21. Your most artistic OC lmao it’s a bunch of ocs that i haven’t developed my ocs enough for me to know so let’s skip i guess 22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how? i mean, people get some stuff wrong about my ocs sometimes but they’re usually so small that i really don’t care about it lol 23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like? hmm they relatively stayed the same personality wise but i assure you everyone’s changed from their initial drawing of them 24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why? that's. a really hard choice actually lol bc i wanna be hugged by one of the parents in the monster family story i made, but i also wanna hang out w/ the characters that i can comfortably hang out w/ lol 25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?) everyone’s got a bit of shared piece of themselves w/ their ocs don’t they? 26. Have you ever had to change your OC’s design or something else about them against your will? against my will? i can’t think of anything that i changed against my will so no :V 27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song? the only two i can come up rn are: alistair (devil wears a suit and tie) and rosa (o, raven) 28. Your most dangerous OC? i guess the chimera girl i made since she’s trying to fit in the modern life? i mean i still haven’t thought of her story yet but i know she Angery 29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they’re going? ace, aiden, maybe keaton 30. Which one of your OCs would most likely have a secret stuffed animal collection? mel, eva, roy 31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really) eliott: landscape stuff, muted colours, mystical content here and there ace: default theme, memes, probably has a side blog that’s more of an aesthetic blog mel: super aesthetic blog, romance themed 32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why? literally anyone in the renegade group i could’ve said anyone in the hunters group but they’re all fucking idiots (lee would be more closer to the renegade’s level tho) 33. Your shyest OC? eliott, roy, audrey, fallen god 34. Do you have any twin characters? i literally want to design twin ocs just to have twin ocs jdshfkjsdf 35. Any sibling characters? audrey, dylan, and elle + eve and juno + ace and jack 36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)? nah not really lol 37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human ?? i barely have human characters in the first place, unless this one means humanoid :V 38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer? iiiii can’t think of anyone other than the two parents i thought of that i’m planning to be dance teachers lmao 39. Introduce any character you want i haven’t drawn them yet but fallen god and mercenary are two unnamed characters that i recently started thinking of where fallen god falls from the heavens and looses their sight, and the merc runs from their past meet and they team up together w/ the merc being fallen god’s eyes and the fallen go being their protector 40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share! i guess it;s just sentimental ones like, first ocs, first compliments, first art/ fic of them, etc. 41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!) YEAH AND EVERYONE DRAWS THEM CUTER THAN I DO (well i mean these were from freebies, art trades/ games, and gifts but still) please check out ace’s other’s art gallery and eliott’s other’s art gallery, bc they have the most of them (bc i ask for them a lot lol) 42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods? whoever in middle school age i guess 43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It’s time to confess big n beefy, jokesters, heart of gold 44. Something you like about your OCs in general that i made them all (well of course not the adopted kids) 45. A character you no longer use? everyone every time i don’t focus on their story anymore than i used to ;;;; 46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly? fortunately no, and i hope no one does and it’d stop to others bc wow that’s rude as hell 47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child? okay literally the first time i made eliott, everyone i knew wanted to adopt him as their kid lol 48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure eliott, parker, elle (i love all of them tho :’D) 49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memes ace, roman, ricky, aiden, dylan, eva, ollie 50. Give me the good ol’ OC talk here. Talk about anything you want i love all of my babes okay good night

[mbti-notes]

Hello! I must say that your blog has helped me A lot in my journey of self-improvement! I have a problem with myself,I need reflections on. I'm an INFJ that has PTSD (lifelong abuse) and borderline. I'm a third culture kid and have been aching for stability for years. And most of the countries I've lived in don't have mental health resources so I have been walking on egg shells and put my mental health on hold. For 2 years I lived in my parents home country while my family still lived in asia-p1

[con’t: After that I realized that I could not make it my country, I couldn’t study what I wanted in university or work because of the language. I came to the conclusion that sooner or later I needed to establish my life somewhere so last year I decided to go to the country where I spent most of my life in (Norway). Because of my PTSD most of my life is repressed, but after living there for almost a year it has been extremely triggering. It was dark, cold and I was completely alone, and it made me fall into depressive thoughts, worsened my Mental health. And because of my poor mental health I had very hard time taking care of myself. I was also struggling economically, and combining this with my childhood triggers it became a nightmare. I was in a waiting list for ages, and when I got help from the psychologist to get help with my ptsd and borderline, she told me that the constant moving have affected me and I need to find stability in a country, she told me to think about itThe problem is that no matter how much I think about it, it doesn’t get better. Instead I find myself very anxious and having panic attacks bc I feel like I need things decided. The thing is that I have realized that planning things inside my head is one thing and reality is completely different. Something else I’ve realized is that I need to have people in my life, it helps me to cope. I have also high expectations from my family to finish my studies but its hard in the mental space I am in]

I’m not sure if there was another message at the end that I didn’t receive since it ended somewhat abruptly, but I get the picture. Yes, third culture kids often suffer from a feeling of having no roots and thus no real home, which of course is made much worse by existing in an abusive home that has never made them feel welcome. Roots are important because they provide stability and a sense of security, it’s something you can rely on and go back to in times of need. Unfortunately, since your parents didn’t help establish roots for you, you are now tasked with doing that for yourself as an adult. INFJs need a “social home” to belong to, a place with people who provide moral and emotional support, and your mental health issues are directly attributable to the fact that you’ve never had that kind of social support in your life. You understand the crux of the problem, which is good.

I’m a little bit dismayed that your psychologist simply asked you to “think about it” because it’s technically their job to help you think through problems by teaching you strategies rather than just send you home to do it yourself - if you could solve the problem yourself, you would have done so already. To be fair, psychologists are human too, and they can get overwhelmed when a new client comes in and immediately unloads a whole boatload of complicated problems that need sorting out.

You say that the more you think about it, the worse it gets. The reason for that is your “thinking” isn’t real thinking, it’s merely rumination, which means that you just go over the problem again and again without getting anywhere and it makes you feel worse for never accomplishing anything (see the article on rumination). Proper thinking is systematic, critical, strategic, goal-oriented, and targeted to solving problems effectively and efficiently. It seems that you lack the skill to think in such a way (Ti loop), so your thinking is unproductive. 

You’ve raised a lot of problems in a short description. They all need solving, it’s true, but you have to prioritize them, which you haven’t done. You should make a list of all the major problems in your life that need solving. Then you should order those problems from most urgent to least important. If you can’t solve one problem without first tackling another, then that other problem needs to be moved up the priority list. Then you should tackle them in order, be systematic. 

Next: For each problem, you have to 1) identify the exact cause of the problem, then 2) brainstorm possible solutions, then 3) identify which solution is the most effective one, i.e., the one that is feasible and tackles the root cause(s). If you have trouble with identifying the cause of the problem, brainstorming solutions, or judging/deciding which idea is the best solution, then you research and ask for advice from those who are more knowledgeable and experienced than you. When you’re able to clarify your problems, you’ll have a better idea of who to ask, and the people you ask for advice will have a better time helping because they have a better idea of what you need.

According to the description, I’d say your most immediate and urgent problem is finishing your studies, though that’s not the most important problem in the grand scheme of your life. If the main obstacle in finishing your studies is that your mental health suffers from lack of social support, then the first problem you should tackle is the social support. Brainstorm solutions. Maybe you need to see a counselor to process your feelings regularly and keep you on track. Maybe you can join a student support group. Maybe you can join a depression or anxiety support group. Maybe you can call a free mental health hotline or write to a mental health forum to talk out your feelings. Maybe you can join clubs or activities to make friends. If there are people you trust, maybe you can do more to develop those relationships and lean on them a bit more instead of trying to go it alone. You can meet new people by asking friends to introduce you to their other friends.

Tackle the social support problem first since it will help you with everything else. Then your studies should improve. If you have to slow down and take fewer courses because you need more time to care for your mental health, then do it. Once your studies are finished, you’ll be in a better position to make a living. Then you’ll be more free to move around and look for a place to settle down and make your home. There’s no need to overwhelm yourself by thinking about ALL the problems ALL the time. Draw a linear mental map that lays out your strategy for addressing the problems systematically, one by one, then you can focus all your attention on the problem at hand instead of always getting too far ahead of yourself and feeling drowned in anxiety about the future. In other words, when you know your general direction, you can focus on what you need to do today to move in that direction (healthy Ni). 

[helpmeholdontoyou]

1-3, 5, 6, 10, 13, 16, 17, 21, 22, 31-34, 38-42, 47-50, 54-56, 61-66, 72 (only if you’re comfortable sharing), 77, 79, 80, 83-88, 91, 96, 99-101, 110, 111, 116, 121, 124, 126, 127, 139, 142-145, 148-150, 153 (only if you’re comfortable sharing), 157, 158, 163, 170 😊

i cannot believe you did this to me, chris! this took forever hahahahahah but here it goes!

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

I suppose I wish I was an inch or two taller!

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

I have ALWAYS wanted a ferret

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

Bohemian

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day

Hmmmm... my boyfriend, my mom, and food 🤣

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

warning: says it like it is, no sugar coating 😊

10: Are you allergic to anything?

tree nuts!

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

cats 🐈

16: How tall are you?

5’4

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

coraline ;)

21: Are you religious?

spiritual. i don’t believe in a singular god.

22: Pet peeves?

uh i have a lot but off the top of my head i hate when people bite their nails it grosses me out (think of all the things you touch in a day! ick!)

31: Do you get scared easily?

nah not at all..... eh actually I rethought this and came back bc i do get scared when it’s a snow storm and my boyfriend is gone plowing and our power goes out

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

weirdly, 13

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

10/10 Chris, of course!

34: What is a color that calms you?

orange

38: Introvert or extrovert?

it really depends on the situation im definitely good at socializing but i like to be alone

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

i do but not the shit you read in cosmo magazine

40: Hugs or kisses?

hugs

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

i would like to visit my cousin who lives in hawaii!

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

my boyfriend vinnie, honestly. i didn’t know what love really was before him.

47: What is a sound you really hate?

the sound of a fan can really bug me or like that sound when you have plastic or styrofoam in your car

48: A sound you really love?

bugs, like summer nights

49: Can you do a backflip?

before my surgeries, yes

50: Can you do the splits?

before my surgeries, yes

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

i need my redone highlights baldly!!!

55: When did you feel happiest?

id like to think ive never seen my happiest day yet

56: Something that calms you down?

im just gonna say it... smoking weed

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

any kind of hateful sentiment or ignorant statement will usually garner an unfollow from me and also if they like ridiculously go overboard with selfreblogging, like flooding my dash daily to the point where it’s unavoidable, unfortunately.

62: What makes you follow a blog?

usually if i see they have the same interests as i do!

63: Favorite kind of person:

this is a very vague question i don’t understand?

64: Favorite animal(s):

cats, hermit crabs, ferrets, guinea pigs, sheep, omg i could go on i have a farm lolll

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

YOURS & @swiftlysunshine & @nurseaddison

66: Favorite emoticon:

🤗

72: Post a selfie or two?

I’m too lazy to tag it in this post after all these questions lmao

77: Do you like to swim?

YES!

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

pickles

83: Favorite person to talk to:

my boyfriend

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

honestly i don’t really remember it was so long ago lol

85: How many followers do you have?

im gonna choose not to say because things can get really ridiculous around here with big blogs vs small blogs

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

hell no.

87: Do your socks always match?

nope

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

no lol i have a spine fusion im healing from

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

lavender.. i know that’s an herb but it technically flowers ;)

96: Winter or summer?

summer, 100% of the time

99: Someone you look up to:

my sister

100: A store you love?

Anthropologie

101: Favorite type of shoes

slippers im a homebody

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

‘why do you have a handicapped pass?’

111: A question you hate being asked?

‘how are you so skinny?!’ (I realize there are worse things you could be asked but it’s just fucking annoying to get questioned about anything body-related)

116: Favorite cloud type:

WHAT Chris you are random um cumulonimbus clouds ☁️

121: Something you want to do right now

refill my drink

124: Bright or dim lights?

dim

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

drama

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

my family calls me boo, boo bear, boobah

my friends call me care, carrie, carebear

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

good

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

giving

144: What makes you angry

slow drivers

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

fluently, one

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

ummmmmm my hair? does that count?

149: Favorite thing about your personality

i believe im pretty insightful

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

my mom, my best friend, @taylorswift

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

high school originally!

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

literally life

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

um once in high school i told my parents i was just hanging out with my one friend in my basement and then instead i for some reason thought i could get away with throwing a house party in my basement and like sneak people in... with my parents right upstairs? anyway i got ridiculously drunk, the plan did not work, my dad screamed at me and i fainted as he was screaming at me HAHAHaHAHAHaH

163: Last time you cried and why:

today, over something taylor did for a fan i thought was just so sweet

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

yep!

[moonprincess92]

Tell me what you eat and I will tell you who you are

the food travel au 

3 ½ month film schedule. 31 countries. 24 episodes.

2 people who might just fall in love along the way. 

(read on AO3) 

Chapter 1: London  Author: @moonprincess92nz 

It’s her first fucking day and she’s late.

“SHIT, SHIT, SHIT–” Jyn dodges through suitcases, around security guards and even leaps right over an empty bench at one point as she races throughout Heathrow Airport. She practically slams right through a holidaying family and nearly bowls into a couple of kids with giant backpacks on their backs, but nothing slows her down because if there is anything worse she can do than being goddamn late on her first day, she can’t think of it. Her rep is bad enough, she needs this job –

ARRIVALS, the sign blares. 

Her poor battered suitcase screeching to a halt next to her, Jyn stops to stare around at the hordes of people pouring out of the arrivals gate. The production crew is flying in mostly from USA, she thinks she is one of maybe three people who are from the UK. They told her to meet at the airport, and she checks the email on her phone for the billionth time before scanning the crowd once more.

Finally, she catches a familiar face.

He isn’t so much familiar because she knows him, but rather because she may or may not have binge-watched Cassian Andor videos on YouTube for about eight hours the previous night. Thing is, Jyn honestly wouldn’t call herself a foodie. She knows how to scramble eggs and burn chicken nuggets, but that is about the extent of her cooking skills. Half the time she doesn’t know how she even ended up getting this job, but there she was balls deep in some popular Mexican cooking show because apparently, his face wasn’t so bad to look at. It was only when her roommate barged unceremoniously into her room at four in the morning to ask, “Don’t you have to be at the airport by like, 7am?” when she figured that she might have a bit of a problem.

(“Shut up, Bodhi,” she threw back at him).

Operating on as little sleep as she is, seeing Cassian Andor in person kind of makes her ovaries feel like exploding.

SHIT.

Luckily, before she says something and makes herself look ridiculous, it appears that someone notices her. She hastily says her name, and she’s pulled into the sea of formal introductions by who is apparently their production manager, Mon Mothma. Jyn has never been good at this part. Sometimes, she thinks that she chose the wrong profession entirely – she should be working in a lab or office, somewhere with as little human interaction as possible – but rather unfortunately, she’s chosen a profession where it’s impossible to get by without kissing arse and playing nice with others.

She’s learned over the years how to put on a polite mingling face, but Jesus, it takes it out of her.

“Hi! I’m Luke, the social media manager!” a bright-eyed blonde says.

“Wedge Antilles,” their sound engineer introduces. “Looking forward to working with you!”

“… Kes Dameron. Sorry, I haven’t had coffee yet,” It turns out their head of security is about as sociable as she is this early in the morning.

Honestly, she’s doing fine until suddenly she’s face to face with Cassian Andor and that’s about when it strikes her what she’s really gone and gotten herself into. She’s standing in front of an honest-to-god celebrity, here. She’s never worked on something on this large a scale in her life! It doesn’t help that there’s really something about his jawline as well, but either way she is a professional, goddamn it. She holds out her hand and says,

“Jyn.”

Cassian quirks an eyebrow.

“Is that… your favourite drink, or…?” he asks in confusion.

“What? Oh, bugger,” Jyn curses as he tentatively shakes her hand. “I don’t mean gin, I mean – it’s my name, Jyn with a J – and a y – apparently my parents hated me as a child,” She tops it off with a slightly awkward laugh.

God, she is bad at this.  

“Oh. If it helps, I often get called Caspian whenever I go to Starbucks?” Cassian offers.

“Well, that was your first mistake going to Starbucks.”

“What’s wrong with Starbucks?”

“Talk about commercialisation!” Jyn points out. “Whatever happened to supporting your local businesses?”

Incredibly, he laughs. “I’m sorry, you’re the new camera operator, right?”

“Right, right – I was offered the job a little last minute.”

“Of course – Kay unfortunately got sick – that was the guy who was originally hired.”

“Ah, I see,” Jyn tries to lean casually on her suitcase. “I wasn’t given any details, just a contract and a place to meet – sucks to be him, amiright?”

Cassian frowns. “He’s my best friend.”

Jyn blinks. Of fucking course he was his best friend.

She just gestures vaguely behind her somewhere. “I’m gonna…” she says, weakly. He smiles politely back.

If it was at all appropriate for the setting she would be SCREAMING.

“… so all in all,” Jyn eventually says through Skype later that night. “within the first minute of us meeting, I convince him I’m an alcoholic, criticise him for going to bollocking Starbucks and also somehow manage to insult his best friend!”

Little Bodhi through the screen shakes his head. “Oh my god, Jyn…”

Oh my god, Jyn sounds about right. She snuggles down into the hotel bedsheets and is at least thankful that she’s on a production that can afford actual stars underneath their accommodation. The last time she had a job, she was put up in a student hostel, and she’s pretty sure she’s still washing fleas out of her hair to this day. Most of day one was dedicated to production meetings with only a few establishing shots being filmed that evening. After hours of listening to Mon Mothma drone on and on (3 ½ month film schedule, tight deadline, 31 countries, 24 episodes, etc., etc.) Jyn was thankfully able to clear her head down by the Thames. With only her and the essential crew, she was finally able to breathe as she captured her city by sunset.

She honestly doesn’t know what this job is really going to entail. The travelling she is relatively familiar with thanks to her job, but even then she technically hasn’t been out of the country since she was 16, and she mostly tries to forget her time with Saw anyway. She might not have had a family for a long time, but she’s at home here in London as much as she’s ever been. It’s the only place she’s ever felt truly safe, felt like she has ground beneath her feet and she’s a little (a lot) terrified to actually leave it.

But hell, bills need to be paid and a T.V. show needs to be filmed.

“What am I doing, Bodhi?” Jyn mutters underneath the blankets.

“I believe it’s called ‘flirting’,” Bodhi smirks back in their flat on the other side of the city. “and, if I might add, you’re not doing it very well.”

“Fuck you, mate.”

“Just calling it like it is.”

“Seriously,” Jyn stresses, then. “what am I doing here? I’m working on a travelling food show and I barely know how to cook!”

“You’re the camera operator, not the bloody caterer,” Bodhi says, exasperatedly. “I’m fairly certain you don’t need to know.”

“But–”

“Jyn, listen,” Bodhi cuts her off. “Lord knows I’d prefer to just wrap you up and bring you back home, but honey, you gotta stick with this, ok? No more flaking! You think you don’t fit in, fine – fake it until you do. Go get bloody lost in Germany or finally learn how to make pasta or something, I don’t care, just get out and do it, because we both know you’re not really living here.”

“I’m living!”

“You’re existing,” Bodhi sighed. “and I know your life has had its fucked up moments. I know. It sucks. But it’s time, Jyn.”

She snorts. “You know, when I called you it wasn’t for another therapy session. How much do I owe you this time?”

Her best friend rolls his eyes. “A lifetime of free pancakes.”

“You know I can’t make pancakes.”

“Lifetime supply of Jammy Dodgers, then.”

“That, I can do,” Jyn points at the screen.

Bodhi laughs, only it quickly turns into a violent yawn. “BLIMEY, I’m tired.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll take the hint,” Jyn smirks. “but, um, before you actually do go – on a scale of 1 to 10, exactly HOW bad was the flirting?”

“Minus 5,” Bodhi deadpans. “Don’t insult his friends next time.”

“Yeah,” Jyn grimaces. “I’ll do that.”

He grins. “Love you, Jyn.”

“Yeah. Love you, too.”

tellmewhatyoueatofficial check out that view! #tellmewhatyoueat #london #tower bridge #filming #cinematogropher #travel #sunsetwiththecrew #bts @jynserso

bodhitherook JYN BABE U MANAGED TO MAKE IT ONTO THE OFFICIAL INSTA ACCT  

bodhitherook also how the fuck are u not wearing a jacket

tellmewhatyoueatofficial @bodhitherook i confess we might have asked her to take her jacket off for the #aesthetic

bodhitherook WHO RUNS THIS ACCOUNT JYN BC CLEARLY THESE PEOPLE ARE TRYIN TO KILL U IT’S OCTOBER

jynserso pfffft sun was out, was a solid 15 degrees that’s basically sunbathing weather

jynserso but still calling you out @walkstheskies his name is Luke Skywalker go stalk him 

Jyn manages to corner Luke Skywalker in the hotel hallway.

“WHY ME,” she despairs. Her phone is open on the show’s official Instagram page, and it’s pretty clear what she’s talking about, although she quickly adds, “and before you say anything, I KNOW signing the contract means technically I consented to my image being used on multiple forms of social media, but still–”

Luke just shrugs happily.  

“I belong behind a camera, not in front of it,” she protests.

“Hey,” Luke counters. “you look beautiful in that shot! Also, I should be the one complaining, after you sicced your best friend on me.”

“Oh good, Bodhi did his job then,” Jyn says. She steps out of the way hastily as several of their fellow crew members run down the hall between rooms, someone cheering something about shots in the background.

“He’s sent me about a dozen messages insisting that I look after you and treat you right,” he laughs. “Nice guy!”

Jyn just smirks slightly before eyeing down the hallway once more. It’s been two days, and their insane shooting schedule is already starting to hit them all. Quite frankly, none of them have any business still being awake at this time, but it was a long day and apparently they are all still so hyped that trying to sleep with the racket they’re making would be fruitless anyway.

“We should get out!” someone calls enthusiastically from one of the open rooms, and Jyn turns to see their lighting director’s face beaming when she notices her. Shara Bey dashes over and clings hold of her shoulder. “Hey! Where should we go?”

“What’re you looking at me for?” Jyn asks in bewilderment.

“Well, you’re the local girl,” Shara points out.

Jyn stares at the over-tired, wired and enthusiastic faces all staring back at her. They’ve all spilled out of their rooms, nodding and asking and between this and the Instagram post, Jyn isn’t sure she’s been on the receiving end of this much attention in her life. There’s a reason she stays behind the camera! She glances at Luke, although the man just shrugs at her in response.

“I’ve never been to London! Where do we get good food around here?” he asks.

Shit.

“Uhhhh... I know a place that sells killer fish and chips?”

“It’s an adventure and it’s happening - c’mon, guys!” Shara leads the way. 

She ends up bringing them to The Cantina, of all places.

A fun fact to rattle off is that there are literally thousands of pubs throughout London, and somehow she always ends up here. Her and Bodhi almost haunt the place at this point. It’s objectively not the most popular in London nor even relatively famous, but in Jyn’s opinion it captures the very heart of British pub culture (you know, getting shit-faced and yelling about football). It’s kind of what the entire show they’re filming is supposed to be about, so… yeah, here they are. The place is always dark and a little shady, the music always slightly too loud and the lights slightly too piercing, but Jyn feels almost relaxed here.

“I moved back to London when I was 16,” she explains as they approach. Shara Bey has already filmed several snapchat videos of herself by this point and now seems to be flirting with the security guy. Most of their group is hanging onto her every word and she adds, “We’d come here on the weekends with our fake I.D.s and get hammered.”

“My kinda party,” Luke grins.

They all pile inside The Cantina, Jyn dutifully avoiding Cassian’s eyes. Honestly, she had no idea that he was even coming - did famous T.V. presenters even do that? - but someone called out to him just as they were walking out of the hotel doors to go catch a train and he dashed out to join them. After embarrassing herself so spectacularly, she figures the only way to handle tonight is the true British way: ignore all emotions and pretend everything is fine.

She notices a gap at the bar and she manages to quickly order two shots as everyone piles into the pub. She thought she had avoided all scrutiny as her colleagues get caught up in which drinks to order, but apparently nothing gets past the social media manager. Luke gives her a look of bemusement from over his shoulder and Jyn bites at him,

“What?”

“Steady on,” he says.

“Shut up,” Jyn accuses.

“You know, if you want to talk to him all you have to do is open your mouth and start saying words,” Luke says, slyly.

Jyn glares. “What d’you know? You know nothing.”

“I know that look! Trust me, I get it. I’m a huge fan too.”

Jyn finally meets his knowing gaze.

“You also watch three seasons in eight hours?”

“Without subtitles!” Luke nods. “My Spanish got a LOT better.”

“Stalk on Instagram?”

“I’m a social media manager,” Luke scoffs. “Raise me something actually valuable.”

“Imagine marrying someday?”

Luke laughs. “Jyn, we all know that he’s out of both our leagues, but with you… ehhhhh, there’s potential.”

“I’m sorry, EHHHHH?”

“I also said potential!”

Jyn was going to offer one of the shots to Luke, but with that statement, she keeps them both for herself. It’s true, she’s been filming this man for the last two days and she still technically hasn’t had any kind of one-on-one conversation with him that isn’t to do with camera angles. Besides the disastrous first attempt, that is. She isn’t even sure what’s stopping her at this point. It’s not like she’s kidding herself that something is going to happen – they’re on a schedule, they’re going to be travelling in a tight knit group for months without space to get away, and who even looks at her like that anymore? – so it’s not even the fact that he’s hot that makes her like this.

She’s just never done anything on this kind of scale before. These people all have established careers, been featured on Ellen, have followers on Twitter… this is the first time Jyn’s worked on a project where the director isn’t some uni student filming a sex scene in their parent’s garage. Bloody hell, what could she even say to him?

“Ok, look,” Luke sighs next to her. “exactly how many shots is this going to take? Because I will literally buy them all if it will get your ass over there.”

“I don’t know,” she says honestly. “but at least one more.”

tellmewhatyoueatofficial rumour has it that somewhere round here you can get some killer #fishnchips! @theofficialcantina #tellmewhatyoueat #bts #london #camden town #camden market #london pub #the cantina #filming #cinematogropher #travel  

Her ass inevitably did not end up over there.

“Ok, we’re going for the casual ‘we’ve just stumbled upon this place’ feel,” Their director, Draven, is running backwards somewhere behind her, trying to keep up with the action as Cassian walks down the street. She’s aiming for the vision of him being in amongst the crowd, just one with London, which is kinda contradicted by the fact that they have blocked off one side of the entire stretch of street outside the restaurant they’re currently featuring and their security guy is letting through a controlled amount of people to walk through their shot. Still, she gets to watch Cassian stroll down the footpath with his hands in his pockets, contently gazing around the streets, so she’s probably got the good end of the deal, here. Voiceovers will be added in later, so literally all he has to do is walk and smile as Draven yells out direction.

“Ok! You reach Rebel Rebel,” he calls out. Cassian pretends that his eye is caught by the actually previously chosen restaurant, glancing up at it. She zooms in on his face.

Yes. Definitely has the best deal, here.

“CUT,” Draven yells. “Perfect, we’ll shoot it once more, then head on in.”

They take a break before moving into the restaurant to do more filming and she listens to Draven rave to their producer about how big they’re expecting their audience to be for this particular episode. She probably doesn’t try hard enough to hide her scoff, but she’s exhausted from being up until 2am that morning and still too pissed off at herself to care. Despite all of Luke’s encouragement, she still hadn’t managed to get herself over to the table where Cassian had been sitting. She had an opening and alcohol, and yet…

“Look, I’ve worked on this show before and I’m yelling you,” Luke nodded at Cassian last night. “He’s a good guy! He’s worth getting to know.”

She was sure he was. It was just getting to the point of knowing him that worried her. She glances bitterly up at Rebel Rebel. Honestly, of all fucking places in London, they just had to choose the most cliché.

“Why do you not like this place?”

She whirls around in a slight panic, heart practically leaping into her throat. Cassian’s watching her curiously, water bottle in hand and please Jyn, please remember what proper words are.

“Who – who says I don’t like it?”

“That expression on your face,” Cassian points out.

She’s almost impressed that he noticed. “Is filming going to be this forced the entire time?”

For a moment she isn’t sure if he’s going to give her a real or diplomatic answer. She supposes his job’s on the line, but just as that thought occurs he admits, “A lot of things are pre-shot filming this kind of show. It’s like reality T.V., we pretend it was all filmed on the spot when actually we planned the entire thing. But the food and the reactions, that’s going to be real. You can’t fake taste.”

“What if you don’t like something? Are we allowed to include that?”

“Usually depends on who I’m allowed to piss off,” he mentions.

“Well, I dunno who chose Rebel, Rebel, but this place sucks,” If he can figure it out from the look on her face, then there’s no point denying it. Jyn points out the restaurant that is technically one of London’s top places to eat. Recommended on Trip Advisor, stars and celebrities were known to dine there and even Jamie Oliver did a special there once, but as far as Jyn is concerned the entire place was overrated.

“How do you know that?”

“Like I couldn’t possibly know great food,” She winces a little at the tone. Blimey, she needs to work on not sounding so defensive.

“Show me,” Cassian suddenly challenges. “After filming today, take me to the good food.”

He can’t be serious. Surely he isn’t? They have a schedule, they have deadlines, they can’t just go bloody rogue! Yes, fine, she does have somewhere in mind. She might consider wine and a can of tinned soup a decent meal, but that doesn’t mean she can’t recognise great food when she sees it. The memories suddenly hit her, of meat sizzling, of swinging on vinyl chairs and knives clinking against plates. She remembers being allowed to stand on a stool behind the counter to take customer’s money and running through the kitchens trying not to get caught by the chefs. Whenever she hears classical music she’s taken back and they’re literally only around the corner, but…

It’s a stupid idea.

She shrugs. “I think Draven’s gonna burst a blood vessel if we don’t get back to it.” 

JUST TAKE HIM TO THE FUCKING RESTAURANT JYN DO IT DOOOOOO IIIIITTTTTTT

FKJDJFKJDFJKFJKDF KILL ME Also are u still harassing luke to be nice to me bc honestly bodhi

Im just lookin out for mah gurl Also turns out he’s kinda funny so But not the point, just take him Jyn seriously

But it’s such a personal place and we barely know each other

Don’t make it about you then. Just say u know a place that’s better, bring ur camera and film the magic. Oooooh, get baze to make his special, that shit is GOOD Plus this way you’ll get to know each other eeeyyyyy

I’m going to regret this

No u wont 

It eats at her, until eventually Bodhi manages to make her snap. Damn it, it will not leave her alone and apparently, her way of asking people out these days is just turning up at their hotel room door and demanding them to come with her, since the moment Cassian answers her slightly too hard knock on his door she blurts out,

“Get your coat on, we’re going somewhere.”

Cassian blinks slightly, but seems entirely non-phased as he ducks to the side to grab a jacket and follows her out the door. “Where are we going?”

“To the good food.”

It’s a bit far to walk and she’s still not used to the T.V. glamour of being able to take taxis everywhere, so she drags him out into the cool, drizzly evening and onto the tube. Taking the Piccadilly Line into Covent Garden, the night is fresh and just starting to buzz when they climb up into the street. She wasn’t going to get her camera out until they reached Lahmu, but the side street they cut down is strung up with multi-coloured lanterns and his face is honestly too good to not try and capture.

“To be honest, I’m not entirely sure if we’re even allowed to do this,” Jyn admits, as she points out the way. “Like, filming outside of scheduled shooting. Have I just violated my contract or something?”

“Depends if Draven likes what he sees,” Cassian answers her.

“I’ll delete it later, then,” Jyn says, walking sideways as she filmed and hoping that nothing got in her way lest she accidentally go flying. “No one has to know a thing. And if you talk, I’ll kill you.”

He laughs a little into the camera. “I’m starting to think I wouldn’t put it past you.”

“But anyway, welcome to Covent Garden again,” she makes a deal out of saying, ensuring that she can still see his face through her lens. He pauses under a lamp post and thankfully, no one seems to recognise them in the dark and without the addition of an entire film crew. To someone else, they could literally be any random YouTube vloggers or something. “Naturally, this damn show only brings you to the touristy side of London, but there are some admittedly great places to eat in this area. Not fucking Rebel, Rebel though, I mean shit that’s actually edible.”

“We might want to edit that last part out.”

“Yeah, post can handle that,” She would wave a hand if she had one to spare. “Tell me, superstar Cassian Andor, how are you enjoying London so far?”

He smiles a little against the backdrop of lit restaurants. “It’s cold.”

“Of course it’s cold, it’s fucking England.”

“But it’s exciting,” he adds. “There’s so much history here, buildings that have been around for hundreds of years… it’s great to see.”

“You’re supposed to say you love the food, stop going off script.”

“Sorry – I love the food.”

“Good,” she says. “because if you don’t love where we’re going, then I’ll buy the next round of drinks.”

“Where exactly ARE we going?”

She points across the street and she films him turning and seeing the lit up sign of Lahmu. Owned for the last fifteen years by Baze and Chirrut Malbus-Îmwe, it’s known for its wildly eccentric yet still somehow delicious menu. Jyn leads Cassian there, waving to the matire’d on their way in and asking if Baze is around.

“You’re a regular?” Cassian asks.

“Kind of,” Jyn hedges. “it’s weird to explain.”

She doesn’t rest until they find Baze in the kitchen, the co-owner and chef shaking Cassian’s hand vigorously like any person who was vaguely familiar with food would. Jyn keeps the camera rolling the entire time until finally, he tries Baze’s famous Secret Special and the unearthly sounds that come out of his mouth Jyn deems a little too inappropriate for their G-rated show.

“This is fucking amazing,” he practically moans.

“I’m glad,” Baze says warmly as Jyn hastily cuts the recording.

“And you seriously won’t tell me what kind of meat this is?”

“Of course not, that’s the secret part.”

“It’s not going to have me arrested, right?”

“No. Well… I don’t think so, at least.”

Cassian just shrugs. “Good enough for me.”

Carefully working on packing the camera away in the bag she has strung around her neck, Cassian continues to enthusiastically shovel whatever mystery meat it is into his mouth. Over by the kitchen bench, Baze leans in and squeezes her shoulder.

“So can I expect to actually get on T.V. here, or not?” he asks in undertone.

“Probably not,” she admits.

“Ah, well. It was a nice idea while it lasted,” Baze sighs, gruffly.

“You guys are still doing well, right?” Jyn asks, casually.

“Stop worrying. We’re fine,” Baze shoots her a look. “Exposure never hurts, however.”

“Just let Cassian tweet about this place,” Jyn points out. “You’ll have people coming in hordes.”

Cassian cuts in to scoff, “I’m not THAT popular.”

“When you have a follower count with 5 digits or more, you’re considered popular, mate.”

Cassian protests, but honestly they’re mostly silent after that as he apparently just savours the flavours Jyn knows have to be hitting his tongue. She realises at one point that she’s closed her eyes and she hastily snaps them open because Jesus, Jyn, get a grip, she can listen to the boiling soup and scraping of pots without looking weird about it. It’s only when Baze moves away to carry on directing his kitchen, however, when she finally says,

“Look. I think we got off on the wrong foot when we first met,” she says. “I swear I usually know how to talk to people normally. I’m a big fan?”

Thankfully, he laughs and she lets out a slow breath of relief. “I’m honoured.”

“No really,” Jyn points out. “I don’t even speak Spanish, and I watched all three seasons of your last show.”

“That’s dedication.”

“Sorry again.”

“Hey,” he shakes his head. “It’s fine – I’m a big fan of yours too.”

“Piss off,” Jyn says before she even stops to think whether that might offend him or not. “I film obscure niche documentaries and indie films that lose money rather than make money, there’s no way you like any of that shit.”

“No really, I looked you up when we knew you were coming,” Cassian points out. “Or, ok, Kay sort of insisted that we look you up, he was feeling a bit territorial. But we watched a little of that one documentary you did on the abandoned insane asylum?”

“Oh god,” Jyn shivers. “that place was creepy as all fuckin’ hell. I had nightmares for weeks.”

“But the camera work was beautiful! Wait, exactly how creepy?”

“I’m pretty sure that one of the film crew got possessed.”

“You’re not serious?”

And it’s weird, but he finishes his Secret Special and she tells the quite frankly terrifying story of when one of her crew members had gone a little nutty and claimed that they were having visions of dead people and it kind of… goes well. Her heart is still pounding, but they’re finally talking. It at least makes her feel a little more grounded, a little more like she actually fits into this project that until this point made her feel like she was just floundering under water. This isn’t another weird documentary about haunted buildings, this is something that will eventually air on prime time British television…  

“So how did you end up as a T.V. presenter, of all things?” Jyn asks once his plate is scraped clean.

“I started in regular journalism. Believe it or not, but I’m not the best cook.”

“Shut the hell up,” Jyn insists.

“No really,” Cassian says, earnestly. “I can appreciate good food, but I still cannot make anything like my mother can.”

“Well, I burn toast so together, we’ve got this show covered.”

“Thank God, I was starting to worry.”

She laughs. Fucking laughs. But he’s laughing too, so she hopes it’s ok and he asks her then, “How did you get into camera work?”

“The professional answer is that I have always appreciated the entire filmography of whoever happens to be employing me at the time,” Jyn says. “The real answer is that I was running out of time to pick an elective at uni and I chose this random media studies paper on a whim.”

“So we pretty much started in the same place.”

“I guess, yeah,” It’s hard to imagine herself having literally anything in common with the celebrity, but what the hell does she know in the end? They’re quiet for a moment, Cassian moving to wash his own plate and Jyn pretending that she isn’t watching. It’s only when he’s finished and everything is put away when he turns back to her and says, 

“So what’s the story?”

“Sorry?”

“The story,” he reiterates and Jyn’s chest thuds painfully. “about why this place. Don’t try and tell me there isn’t a story.”

It’s true, there is one. And she honestly wasn’t sure whether she was going to say it when she first brought him in here, but there’s something that makes her want to say it now. She takes a deep breath and answers,

“My father used to own it.” 

He nods, but doesn’t say anything else. He waits, clearly willing to let her talk when she’s ready, and she eventually sighs in exasperation. “Fine, my father owned it and it’s how he met my mother,” she adds on. “I practically grew up here, but they died and it got sold when I was eight and it’s never felt exactly the same since. I guess I still try sometimes, though.”

It’s a very glossed over version of the story, but it will do for now. He nods in understanding before gesturing to her camera once more. “Do you mind?”

She frowns. “What do you want to film?”

“I have an idea – just roll with it?”

She humours him, once again pulling out the camera. She’s at least thankful that the kitchen lights are kind of perfect for filming as she sets it on top of an upturned saucepot in lieu of a tripod. She prompts, “What are you thinking?” and Cassian looks up right at her through the lens.

Blimey.

“We’re going to be taking Europe by storm, right?” he says, and she almost thinks his words aren’t even intended for the camera. “The idea is that we experience multiple cultures and different kinds of foods, but I love that there’s one thing that seems to be universal. No matter where you are in the world, food has this ability to connect things. We associate food with the places we come from, certain celebrations, smell with memories, a restaurant with home…” Her heart is definitely somewhere up around her throat and he smiles at her. “and that’s pretty awesome.”

tellmewhatyoueatofficial rumour has it if you order the #SecretSpecial you’ll become a changed person! #tellmewhatyoueat #restaurant #food #filming #locations #london #covent garden #bts @lahmurestaurant

k-lara7 omg I love this place!!!!

yavemiel @ pingou7 we are so going here next time you come visit me

bodhitherook I had no idea they were filming here @jynserso??????

doptimous Definitely would recommend @lahmurestaurant. The owners are so nice, you’re never waiting long and it’s honestly a great experience every time we go. 

In the end, Draven loves their side project so much that it turns into his idea.

They were all supposed to be on a flight to Cardiff at this point, but the network has apparently let them delay by twelve hours to allow them to shoot additional footage and anything that gets her favourite restaurant exposure is fine with Jyn. But despite their filming obviously fake candid shots outside the restaurant, Draven’s admitted that there’s a lot of charm in the real candid-ness of what they filmed the previous night and hopefully, a lot of their original footage will end up being used in the final cuts.

“I’m going to miss London!” Luke says cheerfully as they wait at the airport. Definitely not a big enough production for a private jet, they get a few looks waiting amongst everyone else but luckily at 4am not many people care all that much about the moderately famous food show host and crew. Jyn is attempting to sleep in her cold, plastic chair but it’s kind of hard when Luke won’t stop chatting.

“Do you ever stop?” she asks.

“What do you mean?”

“Never mind,” she mutters. She gets up and leaves Luke to his cheerful trawling through Twitter and notices Cassian slumped down near the phone charging station. With his hoodie pulled over his eyes it’s difficult to tell if he’s awake or not, but he stirs when she sits down next to him.

“Naturally the network couldn’t wait for tomorrow and literally had to book us on the next flight to Cardiff,�� she says. “Who the hell even flies to Cardiff at this time in the morning?”

“Right?” he smiles a little. Then, after pausing he adds, “Hey, um… I’m sorry if I stepped over a line or something before. When we were filming at Lahmu. I know you didn’t really intend on it being a part of the show and it got kinda personal so I just wanted to make sure you’re…”

“It’s ok,” Jyn says softly.

She isn’t sure what it is. It’s 4am in an airport, it’s one of those liminal spaces where time stops existing and only vacant expressions and stress endures. But she turns to glance over at him and he’s looking at her and shitballs, her stomach twists itself inside out.  She still doesn’t know what to expect from this entire project and she certainly doesn’t expect anything ever from him, but a part of her is really, really pissed off to know that they have to part ways at the end of all this.

But then again also, they have 30 more countries to go.

Finally, the announcer is declaring that their flight is beginning boarding. All around, tired people stand and yawn, stretching and picking up suitcases and rousing sleeping children. Cassian sighs before pushing back his hood and giving her a determined look.

“Let’s go to Wales,” he says.

“Let’s go to Wales,” Jyn agrees. 

---

[savingoursanity]

Hi. I was wondering, is it possible to not have a coping mechanism? 🤔 I had to go to therapy because I felt too stressed and anxious all the time (unfortunetly I had to quit it) and the psychiatrist told me to find coping mechanisms for myself. I also told her that I don't seem to be really good at un-stressing myself, although she seemed like I will find it for sure.... Well I didn't. It's been about 6 months and no matter what I do I never let go of that stress, nor do I relax. I mean I can't relax when I have that tiny "episode" of being stressed, bc ofc it's not like I actually never relax.

Do you maybe know why I can't find any healthy coping mechanism? Only distraction works for me, like watching movies, social media, but the psychiatrist told me it's not so healthy to depend on distraction. I really tried, I was meditating, going on long walks, exercising, writing a journal-at some point even poetry, cleaning, changing my diet, drawing, sleeping, riding my bike, cooking, to be honest I don't think there are things I didn't try to do. And it's annoying because even if I do cardio for an hour I still think about that one thing which stressed me out or I get distracted while writing/drawing and circle back to being anxious. Even if sometimes I actually get a little bit relieved, it never really works for a long time.

I hope you don't get too worked up with these asks because it seems like you get them pretty often haha. You have a really kind heart. ❤️

Once again thank you so much for trusting me with this ask! I have loved getting these so much they have been a bright point in my life during these bleak times.

Although I will be completely honest this ask has been sitting in my drafts for months (I'm so sorry). I'm not going to try and find any excuse for myself so lets just right into things.

I've been toying around with how best to answer this ask because there are so many ways I could go about it. I could go on and on about coping mechanisms as a concept as well as other related concepts because I'm such a nerd about this stuff. However I know for a fact that would wind up becoming a very long and dense post (worse than what this one currently is *cough cough*) and I want to avoid overwhelming you with more technical information.

So I'm going to try and answer this as clearly and directly as possible. There were certain parts of what you've said that stuck out to me that I'd like to explore a bit more.

To begin with, I think we have a collective misunderstanding of what it means to relax and let go of stress. People will experience stress and anxiety in many ways and because of that there's equally as many if not more ways of coping and dealing with it.

Stress can express itself in three main ways: through thoughts, emotions and physical sensations (i.e. fatigue, tension, pain, intestinal discomfort, etc.). The way you experience stress and anxiety may very well involve all three to a certain degree. This is why it's important to learn to know yourself to be able to understand how you specifically experience anxiety at baseline or how you react to stressful situations. It's by getting to know yourself better that you'll be able to next be able to explore just how to find coping strategies that are more appropriate for you. Which brings me to my next point.

You've mentioned that distraction is what you have found to work. Distractions can take many forms, and I get the feeling that's why you may have hit a roadblock. You see, the types of things you've tried can still act as distractions depending on how you do them or use them.

Now we give a lot of flack to distraction because often it's another term for avoidance or repression. But sometimes we really do need to take a step back and remove ourselves long enough to come back and deal with the issue with a clearer more collected mind. For more physical and sensory aspects of anxiety, the activities you've mentioned can help to reduce the stress activation in the brain to a level that is more tolerable. Our mistake is that we use these distractions and stop there, which is why they appear to not work very well or for very long.

This is where I have a bit of a bone to pick with the whole self-care™ mentality we have nowadays. Yes it's important to take care of ourselves and our bodies, but it only goes so far for dealing with the emotional and thought aspects of stress and anxiety.

You've said it yourself, no matter what you do those anxious thoughts and feelings are there to greet you once again the second you stop the activity or even while you're doing it. If I can reassure you in any way, it's not exactly surprising that these things haven't been working for you and it's not because you haven't tried hard enough for that matter.

Honestly it makes sense that you haven't found those things helpful, because that's not where your problem actually is. I myself have long struggled with excessive anxiety and all those types of activities can be great in terms of trying to find a little oasis of relief, but unless they actually help you better face reality afterwards then it somewhat defeats the purpose.

If you want my actual honest opinion about why you haven't found a 'healthy coping mechanism', it's because you haven't been directly addressing what's been bothering you enough. That and you may be hoping to find 'THE' fix that will work, but when it comes to chronic anxiety there is no quick and easy fix. These are tough pills to swallow I know, but unfortunately there isn't exactly any way to go around it. You can't fix a broken arm with a band-aid after all.

That being said, I'm fully aware that addressing anxiety problems is much easier said than done. Helping yourself deal with an issue you are the cause of and are still creating is a very weird battle to be fighting make no mistake about it. But that doesn't mean it's impossible.

It starts with little things that you can try to put in place and every baby step counts. Be willing to be kind with yourself, to respect your pace no matter how infuriatingly slow it may be. The process of growth is not something that you can fast track, believe me I've tried.

Now knowing where to begin working on your anxious thoughts is different for each person, but I want to offer some suggestions that might hopefully help give you a bit of direction.

For me personally one thing that has really helped in my journey of dealing with anxiety has been learning to accept that I have anxiety. That may sound obvious and straightforward but it weirdly enough it often isn't. You see a lot of us deal with what I call anxiety² aka "stressed about being stressed". We're all guilty of it to some level either because of family or social expectations or because of the way we perceive and interpret these expectations.

However feeling or being made to feel bad or ashamed for being anxious has helped literally no one ever. You just wind up spiraling even faster than you already were. Going from anxiety² to plain ol anxiety is, in my humble opinion, a first step that needs to take place before anything else can really happen.

It starts by trying to just be able to accept your anxiety for what it is, not as something wrong, bad, shameful, etc. but as something that is plainly and simply a part of you. You may be surprised at how much better you feel by being able to do that.

My other suggestion is to try to find ways to externalize those thoughts and feelings. Because in a way anxiety actually is "all in your head", it's not by staying in your head that you're going to find a way out. This is where some of the activities you mentioned in your ask can be used, but perhaps in a more constructive way. It's all about mindset and intention so not so much the 'what' but the 'how' and 'why'. Instead of trying to "achieve zen" or something equally ridiculous, channel your anxiety into what you're doing. Creative outlets are great for that, so writing, drawing, music, etc., as a way to get what's bothering you out of your system. The same can be done with exercise and any other activity too if you use a little bit of imagination. Find whatever works for you that allows you to get out of your head.

One last thing I will suggest is try not to do it all on your own. All the activities you mentioned can work well and maybe even quite well, however, we can't overlook the impact of talking out our issues. See, because of how anxiety as a psychological construct works in our brains, for most of us trying to work at it on our own will have limited effectiveness. That's not to say that all the things mentioned before aren't worth doing because they definitely are and talking about anxiety is scary and hard after all. If for now you can only handle the things you can do yourself then that's totally okay. I'm also very aware that not everyone has the greatest support system and that talking it out with those around us might actually cause more problems in the end.

That being said, if you can, try to find people you can talk to about what you are thinking and feeling. You don't have to open up about everything or try to find solutions for your problems either for that matter. Again, talking it out is mainly and mostly having another another way to externalize what you are experiencing.

Once again thank you so much for this ask and I wish you the best of luck in finding ways to manage the beast that is anxiety. As always my dm's and asks are open to anyone who has any questions about mental health or anything else they feel like talking about. Take care and I love you all <3