#and stupid little tf2 rip-off

[cultofmalcolm]

Stupid fucking band bastille 2 characters

[prettyboypistol]

TF2 Mercs x M!Shy!Reader

Scout

Honestly likes how shy and quiet you are because it makes him seem more macho (not just for that reason ofc but still)

Likes teasing you in public with whispers in your ear or sneaky PDA that makes you jump and squeak

Jeremy is very protective and possessive. Very "Is this guy bothering you? Nah, nah, I'll kill him for fucking with my boo!"

He shows off a lot to impress you, but also is fine with failing because you either laugh at the stupidity or fuss over him after.

Soldier

Jane is a little hard headed sometimes and sometimes gets frustrated about things he doesn't understand. Like at a restaurant, he has trouble really understanding why you have issues telling the waiter your order was wrong.

Talks for you a lot (/lovingly but ohhhh my goddd)

Soldier means well and loves your more reserved nature, but he also wants to show you the world! This causes some communication issues.

Pyro

Kind of babies you a little and loves being the leader and guiding you around places

Overprotective like Scout, but a lot more supporting rather than confronting.

Shares their balloonicorn with you 🥺🥺🥺

Pyro is fine with being an introvert lover, so absolutely is fine with cuddle dates and movie nights

Demoman

This man TEASES. Like, NEVER STOPS. Scout on steroids.

Whispers dirty things in your ear in public and adds a little "Aww, why are you so flustered? Only you heard the nasty things I wanna do to you."

His favorite thing to do to you in public is put his arm over your shoulders and pull you in close- maybe just a little too close for friendly PDA- but most people brush it off as "drunken balance issues"

Loves when you squeak and squirm behind closed doors, the way you shy away from even kisses.

Engineer

Doesn't push it in public and usually gives you your space. If people give you a hard time in public, he gets rather protective in that kind southern sternness.

In private, he's a lot more lovey and sweet on you. Pet names. Kisses. Teasing.

He's not too dirty minded about the teasings since he's a little worried about making you uncomfortable. Usually he lets you make the signals before he takes initiative.

Dell loves giving you knowing looks in public to make you blush, but that's the most he'll ever do in public.

Heavy

This man keeps you safe like a baby bunny in a big bear's arms. Any attempt to even look at you is met with a glare and an escort out of the room.

Scary dog privilege energy fr. As long as you're around you don't have to worry about your orders at restaurants being wrong or people looking at you! They're all busy staring at your man!

Heavy loves picking you up and carrying you around to keep you safe- but even that is embarrassing! As you cover your face, Heavy mumbles in your ear :

"Why so nervous? You like my strength when we're alone."

Medic

RIP man, this mf is ruthless. He loves to fluster you any and everywhere he can. Your shyness is a game to him and Medic is top of the leaderboard.

Somehow he's even able to sweettalk you when under the knife! You're not sure if it was out of genuine opportunity to flirt or to see your physical heart accelerate.

Has probably pavlov'd you into blushing whenever he speaks German let's be honest

The most out and proud about your relationship. What are they going to do, fire their only good Medic?

Sniper

Since he's rather introverted himself, he's not one for PDA or flustering you in public. In private he's a little more lovey-dovey.

Mans likes smacking your ass when you walk by or when you're turned away from him. He thinks it's funny when you cover your butt when you walk by him.

Mundy likes murmuring sweet nothings only occasionally, believing that sweet words matter most when the moment is right.

He is the resident "fine, I'll be the group extrovert" between you two and usually handles social situations and talking.

Spy

Oh he thinks your shyness is absolutely adorable. You know what you want, but just can't muster up the words out of mortification? It totally gets him going to give you exactly what you want.

Flowery words, actual flowers, and frequent date nights as "business partners". Of course business partners give brief kisses before a meal- it's a French thing! (jk jk)

Has an entire mental file on what flusters you the most in each situation. His favorite way is to sneak up behind you, put his hand on your shoulder, and whispering in your ear.

He has worried about you choking in his smoking area due to all your hyperventilation, so he makes a habit of airing out the smell of cigarettes and marijuana.

[lyricalt]

[tf2 minific] LSF: with your invite

fem!(Sniper/Spy) - rated T

Note: I must confess, I’d been trying to lead up to Sniper pulling that sick 10 second bit from the music video, Top or Cliff (at 2:50 in), which is great fun to watch.  Couldn't really commit to a whole fic but I decided to just write the fun part anyway.

[Part 1] | [Part 2] | [Part 3]

+++

The final piece of Sniper’s rifle is hidden under a dresser on the third floor of the mansion. She gets down on all fours, ignoring how blood congeals at her side. Her knee pulls at the hem of her dress, getting caught under a pointed heel, and when Sniper bends further down, she hears a faint rip from the seams. Poor Demo’s never going to get her dress back. The dry cleaning alone would be a nightmare.

Sniper gropes beneath the dresser until her fingers find cold, hard metal. She closes her hand around the missing barrel for her rifle. Half of her wonders how the hell Spy managed to squirrel it away with all the other pieces, hiding them throughout the mansion. The other half is just happy to finally have it. When Sniper attempts to pull it free, one end bumps against something soft. Sniper frowns, adjusting the angle, and sets the barrel aside before reaching back in.

She pulls out her own pair of boots, along with a note tucked inside with handwriting that she is very familiar with.

The note reads, ‘You have 45 seconds.’

Sniper lets out a huff of laughter. She sits back, pulling up her dress and happily kicking off those bloody heels. Bugger all three inches of them. She snaps the heels off, shaking out two bullets from the hollow into her palm, before tossing the shoes over her shoulder. Thank fuck, she’ll not have to wear them out.

It takes ten seconds to stomp her blistered feet into her boots proper. The next thirty-five seconds are for putting her rifle together. Luckily, she’s gotten most of it already assembled on her way up. It only cost her a stab at the side from a very pissed maid, but Sniper’s been stabbed plenty times before. No need to fuss over it.

She shakes out her stupid glittery clutch for the scope attachment, and blissfully feels more like herself the moment she slaps it on. 

All in all, Sniper is about five seconds late once she goes to the balcony, hiking one leg up against the railing for support. She loads up the rifle and rests the end of the barrel against the balustrade.

Five seconds late means that Spy has done more sweet talking than she would have liked. The mark is a sharp-eyed man, older but still quite handsome, if Sniper had to make an opinion. Spy looks good, clinging at his arm and steering him into a more open part of the gardens. There’s a red lipstick stain at the corner of the man’s mouth. He tilts his head for more, and Spy has to stand up on her toes to give him another kiss. She angles him perfectly.

Sniper inhales, slowly, and adjusts her aim. Pretty, she thinks, and isn’t quite sure if she means the clear sightine, the mark’s forehead, or Spy.

At the apex of her breath, she squeezes the trigger. There’s not a doubt in her mind that she wouldn’t miss.

Spy doesn’t get that second kiss in. 

Sniper catches the beginnings of a grin on Spy’s blood-splattered face before she has to look away to reload. Mark’s mark marked. Shot clear right off.

“Hrm,” Sniper muses, pulling the bolt open and shut. She takes out the furthest bodyguard with her last bullet while Spy dispatches the second one with just her bare hands.

Turns out she definitely meant pretty for Spy.

+++

The SMG isn’t where Spy told her it’d be. Sniper peeks behind the kitchen counter for a third time before ducking back as bullets ricochet off pots and pans and various other kitchen things.

“Bugger,” Sniper says, miffed. Her rifle rests in her lap, a little bit useless now in close quarters combat. She tips her head back, letting it thump against the cabinet. There’s the sink in front of her. Above it, a rather large and shiny pan with a nice mirror reflection shows the number of people shooting into the kitchen. Sniper stares at it, glumly. Four. The odds aren’t too great. 

Just as Sniper starts to contemplate using the frying pan as a weapon, she hears the sound of her own SMG fire a full round into the kitchen. Sniper waits until the noise putters off. The only sound that comes after is the steady taps of heels walking closer.

A couple of seconds later, Spy peers over the counter. Despite the blood over her face, she looks significantly less bedraggled than Sniper. Probably because she’s the one with the extra gun. 

“I didn’t have time to hide the SMG,” Spy says, by way of apology. She tosses the gun to the side, empty and dry.

“S’all right,” Sniper grunts. She doesn’t much like using the SMG in any case. Spray and pray, for good reason. “How’re we lookin’?”

“Fine,” Spy says, which could mean anything. “There’s a sniper covering the front entrance. I saw the muzzle flash from the second story. Third window from the right.”

Sniper glances down at the rifle in her lap. She lets her legs stretch out. The razor cuts have started bleeding again, along with the other lacerations she’s managed to get. Real gashes from broken glass and blades, at least. “Out of bullets, darl. Unless you got one in that ample brassiere of yours.”

Spy rolls her eyes. “Your rifle barrel took up a lot of space.”

Sniper smirks. “...Or are you just happy to see me?”

Spy reaches for her. At first, Sniper is almost convinced Spy really is hot and bothered enough to start fooling around right this second—at this point, she wouldn’t put it past them—but Spy’s hand finds the back of Sniper’s head, drawing her in. It’s an impersonal gesture, completely professional when Spy slides her fingers through Sniper’s braid and pulls off the golden hair brooch and pin. 

Sniper’s face heats up anyway. Bugger.

Then she flushes in a different way when Spy unscrews one of the decorative tassels and tips out a third sniper bullet from a hidden slot.

“You didn’t tell me?” Sniper says flatly, holding out her palm. “Thought you said it was a knife.”

Spy places the bullet into her hand, fingers lingering in Sniper’s grasp. She smiles. “Yes, I did not tell you.”

“Anythin’ else you’re not telling me?” Sniper asks, sarcastic, and loads the bullet.

Spy hauls her up, as unrepentant and steady in her heels as ever. 

“Plenty,” she promises.

[meteorologears]

the tf2 addiction gets the best of us i understand snfJND, and yes!!!! 😭 your cup of tea is 100% mine as well it's actually a blessing i swear, the way engi is less romantically knowledgable and half the time just chalks it up to spy just being a good friend (very much ACTIVELY flirting with her and half the time more) i especially love the part in ‘the subject: roses…’ where engi just sputters like a fool about using the ceiling when spy makes a move on her, just thinking about it makes me want to rip off my shirt werewolf style 😭 im glad my message could brighten your day (and id love to hear your rambling if you ever feel inclined,,,) AND TYSM FOR THE SNIPPET, the sillies 🥹 -yuri enthusiast

omg YEAH actually the obliviousness is one of my fav things to write, it makes me laugh to think about but also I picture that's how it'd be. Engineer is very knowledgeable as a character, and obviously knows exactly what's going on... except when entering the realm of how other people feel about her. Kind of character to buckle down and solve 17 never-before-solved equations in a single night and then to conclude "oh they're such a good friend :')" when someone offers to kiss her or something. i'm a little insane about it sometimes LOL.

i think too (at least when I write them) that Spy is quite aware that this is the case and that's why she leans so heavily into it from the get-go. THANK YOU also for the opportunity to ramble. I'm slowly getting more courage to actually post my stupid thoughts on my tumblr (thing my blog exists for). An idea I'd toyed around with for a story is that conceptually Spy is not actually that good with romance stuff. Like, it's mostly for show and also for the whole James Bond-knockoff thing, but it's still one of the more romantic things Engineer has experienced and she still can't fully realize it's intended romantic. I haven't figured out how to write this into a fic just yet, but maybe at some point....

[spys-small-hands]

7, 5, 25, and 29? :)

Ask me some TF2 related questions!

7. How many hours do you have for TF2?

According to Steam, I've got 313 hours!

5. First map you ever played?

I honestly genuinely think it was Swiftwater or Banana Beach?? Technically it was on my cousin's account because he introduced me to the game a couple of years before I actually got into it. When I started actually playing the game I'm pretty sure my first map was Dustbowl lmao.

25. Favorite cosmetic? (Any class)

OOOO I HAVE SEVERAL FOR THIS.

The Hundkopf for Medic is probably one of my favourite Halloween cosmetics (and I so badly want to get it this coming Halloween), and speaking of Halloween cosmetics, Pyro's Burny's Boney Bonnet combined with The Spectralnaut makes for a really cool look imo.

Otherwise, the Pocket cosmetics are my favourites too. Ohhh and the Manngaroo set for Sniper too! Furry mercs my beloveds :)

29. Something you love about each merc?

I think I went off the point of the question a little but oh well <3 (Adding a break cus it got a little long oops)

Scout! He's just a guy! A dude! He probably immediately pack-bonded with his team because he's used to probably being the youngest of a group of dudes and I love that for him. I think despite being a little naive about some things, he's smart and sharp, and people don't give him enough credit for that. He is very much Spy's son and people are always surprised about it.

Soldier! Sure he seems too far deep into the patriot thing, but I'm absolutely certain that if anything happened to his friends he would burn down even America itself for them. Additionally he's not stupid either! He's just a funky guy I love him I wish more people would appreciate him.

Pyro! NON BINARY ICON. I love them so fucking much you guys. Complete anonymity? Friends and a job that doesn't tear the hell outta you for being funky gender? In possession of the coolest weapon ever, a flamethrower? Recipe for an amazing character. A very "mess with my friends and I will atomize you" kind of character, and I have a very special place in my heart for those kinds of characters.

Demo! I FUCKINF LOVE DEMO TOO LIKE. He holds so much love and appreciation in him! Despite the negativity he holds for himself, if he's with his friends he can do anything! He's really forgiving too, like those bits in the comics where he forgives Sniper for the moonshine/poison bit and forgives Medic after he explains why he was working with the TFC and also revived Sniper?? This man is a treasure.

Heavy! Hnrg papa bear. He is just the most Big Brother to the team ever and I love that for him. He's got the patience of a saint and he'd do whatever he could to help his team. I adore the way he goes from Giant Man Ripping And Tearing On The Battlefield to Kind Older Guy Who Will Carry You To Bed If You Fall Asleep On The Couch (Again) And Will Let You Stay With Him If You Have A Nightmare.

Engie! Engie is valid to go feral at all times and I love that. In a way, complete opposite to Heavy! In the way that Heavy is typically seen as Big Man Shoot Gun whereas Engie is seen as Polite Little Cowboy. When in reality Engie is a feral little fucker and he'd throw anyone who messes with his machines across the map with just his bare hands. But he cares about his team too! I think he probably cooks for the team the most often, and while he isn't working on personal projects and getting stuck in the funnie little hyperfixation he's probably just milling around seeing if anyone needs anything. Probably one of the best to go to for advice too.

Medic! Random rant but if I see anyone call Medic an evil, morally corrupt fucker who does random experiments to fuck his team up a bit one more time I will seriously lose it. This guy cares so deeply about his team! He'd do literally anything to keep them alive! Not to use an example from before but when TFC's Sniper kills our Sniper? He's so confident in his abilities that he let that happen to continue the facade, knowing that death doesn't mean anything because he knows that he'll revive them and he's taken all the precautions to stop his team from dying! He only does what would increase his team's survivability! He doesn't do shitty things to them! He cares about them! Rant over I'm just very passionate about this. Anyway I love Medic cus he's team parent and he does everything within his power to ensure that no one will die.

Sniper! Just a funky little guy. Quite possibly one of the most gender. Like, loves animals? Crippling social anxiety? Very much queer-coded? Rough relationships with parents? That's just me /j. I adore Sniper so much, he gets typecast as the gruff bastard who'd gut you without a second thought but honestly he's one of the most likely to sit with you when you're having a bad time and let you cry on his shoulder. He keeps tissues in his jacket. He'll probably get you a snack or something afterwards.

Spy! Bastard dad but I care about him so badly. In my onion he's such a complex character and I'm a simple guy, I love breaking characters down into their bare essentials and to me Spy is one of the best to do that with. In my mind he's incredibly damaged by his past and just continously tries to push through every little setback because if he can just live to run another day then he thinks he'll be fine. But if given the opportunity to right the wrongs, to try to set his guilt free and make up for what he's done, he'd do it in a heartbeat. He pretends that he doesn't care but in reality he's always been scared of losing people who get close to him, because that's how vicious the spy underworld is. I'll stop myself before I ramble too much but this guy is very special to me. I care about him a lot.

[dbssh]

*PLEASE* tell me more about Daniel...

OH MAN i dont know a lot about what to say im just!!!! thinking about him so much. i said that i wouldnt go too in-depth with him because hes supposed to be just for funsies but im stupid so! ive been sketching out something of a plot for him & fifteen nd them Bonding and Escaping The Evil Laboratory Together and ive just been thinking about them like. living together after its all over n trying to live a normal life even when theyre all like. fucked up. idk but!!! because im rambling im gonna go into a list of random facts so i can try to stay a lil organized.

for a bit, Daniel just has the big mouth on his face and he can't really speak with it for a lot of reasons, so Fifteen teaches him sign! at first he just learns fingerspelling and spells out every word, and thats fine for a bit! but once theyre out daniel prefers to use sign in public because he tries to cover his face and neck as much as possible, and speech just doesnt... feel all that natural or comfortable with the second mouth anyways, so they both end up learning a lot more!

after they get out, daniel very impulsively rips off his number, which is a peice of cloth (or something? idk) the doctor actually like, sewed onto his skin, so that was probably not a smart move on his part. but later he gets a tattoo around the scar. i havent decided what of yet, but yeah.

fifteen actually leaves hers on! shes okay with her name being a number because like, shes never had any other name and she doesnt really like. give a shit what people call her. so for her its just a fun little name tag!

before everything happened, Daniel used to play guitar! he gets back into it after they get out as a sort of stress relief/distraction. he's not great but thats not really what matters.

he gets back into fishing, too! he doesnt hunt anymore, and he never keeps the fish he catches, he just finds it calming. sometimes he just doesnt put any bait on the hook and he'll just sit there for like. hours. just chillin. being by the water is nice, too.

they tried living in an apartment in the city for a bit but the noise and all the people around was just. so overwhelming for daniel. he spent most of his time inside and didnt ever go anywhere or do anything unless he absolutely had to. so as soon as they had the money to they got a place further into the countryside, near a smaller town. i still havent really decided like, where the fuck they are but dont worry about it. maybe like the midwest or the south or something. idk

fifteen gets into puzzles and video games! she finds an old console and absolutely slams through all the games she can get her hands on. she loves turn-based strategy games and also minecraft :D. she also eventually learns about online shooter games like overwatch and tf2 and. she is so fucking good at them. gamer gf.

fifteen is also super hyped to learn about fashion!!! she didnt wear clothes in the facility because she didnt have any and didnt see the need for any because she doesnt have like, boobs or anything. but when she learns that clothes can just be worn because theyre colourful and fun? she goes ham. she loves big long skirts and colourful t-shirts and anything brightly coloured. never shoes tho, she doesnt like them.

that said her fashion isnt like. good persay. yknow that post about how femmes all dress like miss frizzle? she does that but with slightly less coordination.

daniel doesnt have good fashion sense either sjdbdhdh hes a redneck butch at heart. genuinely owns at least one pair of camo cowboy boots, 90% of his wardrobe is denim.

their house is very sparsely decorated but at the same time very odd. like the few things they have are all things that they really, really liked and since neither of them have Normal or Good taste, they have some very uh. questionable decorations. basically just scroll thru shiftythrifting for a while and u will understand the vibe.

neither of them have cell phones. not for any real reason just. they dont have anyone to call. they dont need or want social media. if they really need something they can use the computer or the landline.

fifteen is very monotone with a pretty non-expressive face and she mostly just looks kinda o_o all the time.

daniel on the other hand is expressive to the point where he's embarrased about it, even when its harder to tell with his weird face. he's usually just like. in a state of mild crankiness but when its just him and fives he actually like. idk shes very calming for him in a way that is unfamiliar, but not unwelcome.

their home is usually very quiet! daniel doesnt speak a ton and fifteen is okay with that, and neither of them are really that big on music, preferring just to let it be quiet. its especially nice once they live near the river.

daniel has a lot of issues with chronic pain from his teeth, which just kind of. keep growing, all the time. once they get to the point where its like, he cant close his mouth anymore, then it becomes a problem that they actually have to like, Do Something about. (the doctors solution was to just rip out all his teeth every few years. obviously he's not too keen on that.) they end up just filing them down which still sucks and is difficult and annoying but. u gotta do what u gotta do yknow

i still dont know how but they do figure out a way to kiss that is good and comfortable for both of them. theyre not like, super outwardly fluffy and affectionate all the time but. they do still have their moments of softness

[toasttz]

How to make games: Hero Shooters

So, class, today I posit this little question to you all: Do you want to be the next Blizzard? Fuck no, you don't want to be "Don't you guys have phones?" Blizzard; you wanna be Blizzard from 5-10 years ago when they were at the height of their popularity. But that's not what I'm shooting for here. Do you want a fount of endless revenue? Do you want to do the absolute baseline minimum in terms of engine and game design to actually create a game but aren't creatively and ethically bankrupt enough to make a gacha game? Do you want to build a game whose rules, designs, and themes were just stolen from the effort of others? Do you really like Rule 34? Then it sounds to me like you want to make a Hero Shooter game! Hero shooters are easy to make on account they fundamentally have only three gameplay modes: push a payload, kill the other team, and kill the other team while standing on top of a glowing circular thing. They're also equally easy to design as they require no thematic consistency whatsoever and what little writing you'll be expected to bother with will simply be character bios, which you can keep so vague as to be virtually meaningless. There's never a 'story' in a hero shooter game and what semblance of one does exist is pretense for the non-canon aforementioned three game modes you'll be forced to build around. Best of all, the individual mechanics of each hero are easy to design - just steal them from whatever games came before. Now create about three or four maps with some different sorts of themes, but don't make them in any way mechanically varied - the most complex obstacles on any given map should be walls and maybe elevators that move at a very low speed. We're making a hero shooter, not Mario Party, dammit. If anyone asks why you are essentially just reskinning the same maps you can explain that it's to ensure that the game remains a "test of the players's skills" even though that's a bold-faced lie for the same reasons people who play Super Smash Bros as "tests of skill" are full of shit. Meta-gaming retards make games algebra homework instead of fun, but that's precisely what you'll be banking on in this genre. Once you have that, we need to get into the most important thing about hero shooters: the Heroes. Heroes in these games take one of three major roles: 1) The retard scrub DPS heroes - who will be played by the vast majority of your one-trick glory-chasing mentally-stunted community under the pretenses of being 'the most fun' and will be where the better part of your "cool" themes and motifs will be dedicated toward. These work under the key principle of "Shoot everything until it stops moving" and requires zero brainpower whatsoever. 2) The under-estimated doggedly persistent Tank heroes, played by those with either the willingness to learn something other than "Shoot bad guy with gun" or those who find pressing and holding a single button for the duration of the 10 minute match time to be the highlight of their bleak office-job lives. Though, on the other hand, some of the really cool designs will ultimately end up in this family. 3) The unsung gods among men known as the Support heroes, AKA: the ones no one will actually play. These characters will never be given cool or interesting mechanics or designs, but you'll be at liberty to make as many sexy nurse outfits as you can come up with and no one will be able to tell you otherwise. Like an ungodly amalgamation of tanks and DPS, your gameplay experience will boil down to pointing at your target and holding down the button the entire match - except unlike DPS heroes, you'll be shooting at the blue team and not the red team. Now, some might argue that there are technically other families of heroes, like flankers, zone controllers, pseudo-supports who can debuff enemies, but remember that the key to any good hero shooter is keeping everything rock-stupid. Every hero should have only enough abilities to fill a role for the left and right mouse buttons and the Q and E keys. F or R can be for reloading where applicable, but if you demand anything more of your players, you're going to lose their interest because Hero Shooters are hugboxes for sociopaths who care for nothing more than getting that sweet, sweet 5-second long "Play of the Game" replay at the match's end. This is why the character who invariably rips off Team Fortress 2's Demo Man and can kill people he doesn't have direct line of sight with will always be the most popular, without exception. I mean, sure, you can have 30 or 40 heroes, each with incredibly detailed outfits, backstories, kits, and personalities but everyone will just play the Not-Demo Man so you might as well accept that your userbase is going to be the only thing more toxic than a puffer-fish or a modern-day feminist. But I repeat myself. I don't have the time nor particular inclination to tell you exactly what you need to make but I can give you some character types that are obligatory by law to be in any hero shooter game. This will at least give you a start before you realize that being creative is hard and just steal kits from better games than your own. Call of Duty Man - The main DPS hero and usually the face of your game. Typically a grizzled war veteran man and almost exclusively an American if your game is set in the real world - remember, creativity is hard! He'll have a medium-ranged assault rifle and precisely one movement skill and one healing skill in his kit making him a jack-of-all-trades. Will either be loved or hated by your community with no room for in-betweens. Sexy Healer Lady - The main support hero who is literally just TF2's Medic reskinned and with tits. You really don't need to do anything more with her, as the fanbase will handle the rest. And the less said of that, the better. Big Knightly Dude - The main tank hero who has a big shield that, regardless of origin, will be transparent so Call of Duty Man and Not-Demo Man can fire through it while guarded. Probably wields a melee-ranged weapon even if in a modern warfare setting. By law, they can never be shorter than 6'6" (or 7200 cm. Pretty sure I did my conversion right on that). Flamethrower Guy - Literally just TF2's Pyro. Mechanic - Literally just TF2's Engineer. Sniper - Literally just TF2's Sniper. Probably also a voluptuous woman in a tight suit because creativity is fuckin' hard, man. Not-Demo Man - The cancer in your fanbase you will never nerf. Doesn't matter that he can party-wipe the enemy team single-handedly without being anywhere near them because Hero Shooter maps are literally just a set of narrow corridors so his kit is extremely OP. No, better just nerf Sexy Healer Lady again, since your DPS fanbase is pissing and moaning about her again and, this time, not in the same way a cat in heat does. Next, just make characters around elemental themes. Once you have 30 or so, you can get around to actually doing really mechanically interesting and varied heroes, since there's really only like 10-15 good FPS character ideas to begin with. So don't be surprised if you have some overlap. But by then we should hopefully have completed the next major step after the game is made: alienating your fanbase! This step is easy and requires no particular skill or coordination on your part. First, make some events seasonal, such that you have at least a major event every other month. Any more than that and your fans might actually think you're trying to be anything but another generic Korean eSport event, so be sure to space them out and have at least half of them be terrible. Valentine's Day is a good excuse to dress your female heroes sexily, summer games are a fun and not-at-all tired motif, and of course you need some kind of Christmas event. Just make sure these events only run maybe 2 weeks out of the year, have lots of stuff that you can only get during those times and, as said, that most of them are terrible and not fun at all to play. And don't -EVER- make any of them PvE, as that requires coding AI characters and effort and shit - what do you think think this is? Warframe? No, terrible gimmicky PvP events will be a good start because there is no frustration quite as severe as being told you didn't grind hard enough for: Loot boxes! Shit yeah, your hero shooter's gonna have loot boxes in them! Remember, we want maximum money for minimum effort and there's nothing like a Skinner Box within the hugbox that is the sweet dopamine high of popping a loot box open only to get common drops every time! If MMORPGs have taught us anything it's that Sub-1% drops are TOTALLY good game design and aren't at all unethical and an artificial, cheap tactic to keep people hooked on your game. This is why, in addition to the e-peen bolster that is your arbitrary profile ranking also drip-feeding a loot box upon level up that you have "Weekly Resets" for additional loot boxes. This runs on essentially the same principle as a cell phone games making you wait for additional tries to make it more a habit than a game - but that's okay! You can just rationalize it away as "it was the player's CHOICE to buy 300 loot boxes for the low, low price of 799.99 USD!" and not at all a psychological compunction found in human psychology! You're not an unethical douchebag in the slightest! And speaking of douchebags, it's time for the third and most important step in alienating your fanbase: Balancing the Game! What do I mean by that? You might think it's something like "Oh, this one character has an attack that is way too powerful and so it should be retooled in such a way that it either isn't available as-often, or maybe make its hitbox narrower to make the game more skill-based" but you're dead wrong. That requires actual effort and we all know how we feel about that. So, instead, just start an eSports team. Why? So you can listen only to the DPS players from each team and only implement THOSE changes. That way, only tanks and supports get nerfed into irrelevance and since no one in eSports is ever going to play those roles anyway, who cares? Who needs healers when you respawn to 100% after 7 seconds of dying?! Who cares if the majority of your fans hate these changes and that you end up completely destroying the kits and frameworks of their favorite heroes with needless, superfluous, unwelcomed tweaks? God-damn it, the Not-Demo Man needs to be able to wipe out an enemy team with a 3-second Time to Kill! No questions! I have a very specific vision!! Once your fanbase has been alienated - congrats! You're no longer obliged to release new heroes and levels! The responsibility of server upkeep and releasing new content twice a year are lifted! Now, just reskin the entire game top-down and release a new, better hero shooter founded on the same grounds to re-capture your fleeing audience and fleece them all over again! Now repeat ad infinitum and gain unlimited money. Congrats, you're now another Chinese game manufacturer that shits out products with no care for their fans or reputation but you get to go whaling every single day and fill your bathtub with money. You're ready to work for actual Blizzard now! You're welcome.

[castellankurze]

FSF: Someone (or multiple someones?) takes a bubble bath.

fanfic for Completely Normal RPG, run by @lordcaliginous.  Also tagging @mystictheurge and @tamsynspeaks as per what is now standard procedure.

Takes place sometime in the month of December.

A Completely Normal Week

Monday

The motorcycle’s engine throbbed as its rider took the final turn into the driveway and slowed to a stop.  Shouko dismounted and unlocked the carport before walking the bike inside, pulling her helmet and hanging it off one of the handlebars.  The interior of the carport was a disaster, with her mom’s car tucked snugly up against the left side where it had accumulated a fine layer of dust while the rest of the available area was full of tools and spare parts.  Some had been left behind by her father, and Shouko had added to the motley collection over the years until the back wall of the carport was hardly accessible, but it wasn’t like they ever used the decorations stored back there.

“Hi mom, I’m home,” she announced as she stepped through the front door, tossing her keys into the nearby basket with a jingle.  The Kogawa household was a snug, two-story place with a pair of bedrooms and a bathroom on the upper level with everything else downstairs, and the only response to the girl’s voice was the slow churning of the ceiling fan she’d left on last night.

Once she’d stripped off her riding leathers, Shouko settled down at the table in the family room to do her homework.  This consisted of a block of time lasting no more than one solid hour, subjects broken up by use of an egg timer.  Over the years she’d gotten pretty good at judging how to mostly finish any given piece of homework in the time allotted, and if she was off, well, partial credit was better than none.  She answered questions as fast as she drove her bike, though with considerably more guesswork.  'You could be an A-rank student if you wanted it,’ more than one of her teachers had groused at her.  Shouko had come up with any number of excuses over time, but by and large as long as she maintained a D most had learned to live and let live.

At the conclusion of her hour, Shouko packed away her school stuff and left it by the door, there to be grabbed tomorrow morning.  That done, she ran upstairs to change her clothes into a set of gym shorts and a plain white shirt, stuffing her earbuds in her ears before heading off to the treadmill.

Most of Shouko’s teachers had guessed at her athletic ability, but those who dismissed the girl as a slacker would have been shocked to see the utter concentration on her face as she sprinted at top speed on her mother’s treadmill, a dumbbell clutched in each hand, stopping only for the occasional drink of water.  There once was a time when she would have been soaked with sweat at the end of the workout, but an hour’s run nowadays was little more than maintenance.

When all was said and done Shouko retired to her bedroom, a cavern of rebellious rock music and video game posters from both Japan and America and a battlestation that looked like something that might have been ripped from a NASA installation.  Shouko spent her stipends on two things: her bike, and her computer.  Lately Saika had been a third, but both longstanding habits were things that that she’d dove into headfirst until she could take apart either and put them both back together blindfolded.

“Oh great, a Genji,” someone complained almost as soon as she’d locked her Overwatch character in.  "Nice match everyone, better luck next time.“  Thirty-nine kills and two deaths later Shouko wished everyone a nice day.  Quickplay was so damn stupid, and on the next match she chose Roadhog just to mix it up.  Someone else whined about multiple tanks and Shouko rolled her eyes.  60% of team damage taken.  It wasn’t her fault nobody else could find the point.

"I’m going back to TF2,” she growled aloud, grabbing for her pack of cigs.  Of late she’d taped a warning to the front in black capital letters: TWO A DAY.  Miyumi always got squirrely when she lit up and Saika always winced.  Since she couldn’t avoid the former and felt bad about the latter she’d been cutting down.  Given her life lately, it wasn’t like she was gonna live long enough to die of cancer.

She showered and collapsed in bed, lit by the soft red glow of her electronics.

Tuesday

The motorcycle thrummed and growled as she cut the engine and stowed it.

“Hi mom, I’m home.”  The keys jingled as they landed in the basket.

An hour for homework.  She finished all of it this time.

Today was arm day, and Shouko spent her workout hour doing curls and lifts while Netflix ran some anime she barely payed attention to.

“Hey Eowyn,” someone said as soon as she logged into FFXIV.  "Can you craft me a thing?“

"Sure.”

Ten mintues later.  "hey are you up for a Castrum Abania run"

“Patch is in like three weeks,” she said with a bit of a sigh in meatspace.

“ya but I really want that sword for glamour plate its ok if you dont wanna go”

“It’s fine I can blow it up with you.”

“thx youre the best blm”

“Hey, Eowyn.”  She blinked.  That last one had been a whisper instead of guild chat.

“What’s up?”

“I just wanted to say, you don’t seem yourself lately,” her guildmaster said.  "Just wanted to check and make sure you’re alright.“

"Yeah I’m good.  Just been super busy with all the schoolwork lately.”

“I know the feeling.  Are you gonna be full-time again in January?”

Shouko frowned.  "I’ll try.“

"Just take care of yourself.  Game comes after real life.”

“:) I will.”

She showered and slept a little fitfully that night.

Wednesday

A series of whispers alerted her to the attention of several classmates glancing her way.  "Hey, Shouko, can you…“ one of them asked with a blush, curling one arm.

With a grin, she pulled up her sleeve and flexed, to a flutter of giggles.  Shouko was never gonna be as strong as Erika, but her daily regimen was having noticeable effects, like leaving her look cut as hell.  She was probably down to 15% body fat by now, looking lean and mean.

"Hey, Shouko?” Saika asked at the end of the day.  "Would you like to do something Saturday?“

"Sure,” she said, hefting her bike helmet and making sure Saika clipped the spare’s chinstrap in place.  "What did you have in mind?“

"Nothing much, just…dinner somewhere?”

Shouko turned the ignition and revved the throttle.  "Sounds great.“

After she dropped Saika off she made for the gym, where she could get the type of workout that wasn’t so easy at home.  Balance beam, rings, parallel bars - it all came back as easily as breathing.  Shouko could spin rings around any of the other girls there.  When she wanted to, she could sprint down the balance beam and leap to the vault and from there catch herself on the rings in a split-second one-two-three move that sometimes provoked gasps from newbies.

As little as three years ago, Shouko had been doing this kind of thing pretty much daily.  She wondered, sometimes, what her old teammates were up to these days.  She didn’t wonder enough to come in on any day but Wednesday, thought sometimes it was extremely tempting to show up jsut to show the lot of them what she could pull off nowadays.  She’d never been a Simone Biles, and probably never would be - in fact now that it crossed her mind she wondered if Simone had had an awakening of her own? - but she could have thrashed the regionals nowadays.  Funny how things worked out.

She swam a few laps in the pool to cool down and showered before heading home.

"Hi mom.”  Jingle.

An hour for homework.

She played a little Mortal Kombat and crushed some jackass who made fun of her tag.

Thursday

The Honda thrummed as she pulled into the drive.

“Hi mom.”  Jingle.

Her phone buzzed while she was doing her homework and she didn’t bother looking up until she was done.

“Hi Shouko, they asked me to visit our office in Melbourne while I’m down here, so I’ll be hopping a plane tomorrow.  I’ll be a few more days.  Have my phone if you need me.  Love you!” read her mom’s text.

Shouko stared at it for a minute and texted back “k lu2

Her feet slapped hard against the treadmill.  She needed to replace the damn thing when nobody was looking.  She was getting to the point where she really needed a higher top speed.

Her Star Wars RPG group canceled again, so instead of playing her Jedi she just spent some more time in CoD blowing holes in people while Fullmetal Alchemist played in the background.

“How are you even watching that,” someone complained in voice chat at one point.

“Listen,” she growled around a cigarette, “don’t hate because Olivier Mira Armstrong has my back.”

He responded with an insinuation that technically wasn’t wrong, but still got him blown to smithereens several times before he finally ragequit.

Shouko stayed up until almost three in the morning before she slumped into bed.

Friday

“A 99.  Excellent as always, Ms. Aratani,” the teacher said as she handed out papers.  Shouko could see the way Miyumi’s lip trembled as she took the proffered test like it was about to bite her hand off.

“87.  Good step up, Shouko,” the teacher said when she reached her.

“Thanks,” she said as she took the paper.

“I mean it,” the woman said, leaning closer.  "When you put your mind to a subject you really show your potential.“

Shouko was silent as the teacher moved on.  "Thanks,” she grumbled under her breath.  The paper crinkled as her hand crushed it.

“Um…excuse me, Kogawa?” the voice caught her as she was walking to her bike.

“Yo?” she said, turning with a blink of her eyes to see a semi-familiar face.  One of the girls who’d been looking at her the other day.

“Do you mind if I ask you for a piece of advice?”

Shouko blinked again.  "Uh?“

"It’s just…you and Saika…”  The girl was blushing hard.  "How did you.  Um?“

Shouko couldn’t help a chuckle, and she pulled out her customary after-school cig and lit it with a snap of flame from her dagger.  The girl didn’t even double-take.  Normal people saw what they expected to see.  Shouko didn’t even bother carrying her lighter anymore.  "Look.  You want my advice?  Just go talk to her,” she said as she straddled her bike and pulled out her favorite wraparound shades.  "Life’s too fucking short and we gotta make time with the people we got before we get left in the dust, you know what I mean?“

"Um…I guess?” the other girl said, rubbing her cheek.

“Trust me.  Jump on it,” she said before she revved the throttle.

“Hi mom.”  Jingle.

She did her homework so fast her handwriting looked like the fevered sprinting of a deranged chicken.

Her fingertips ached with so many push-ups.

She ended up mostly just browsing the net that night and went to bed.

Saturday

She came out of the bathroom that morning to the sound of her phone buzzing insistently.

“Saika?!” she asked sharply, heart racing.

In the little mirror on the opposite wall, she could see the way her own face dropped.

“Oh.  Hi dad.”

She did the math.  It was eight in Hitachinaka, which meant it was ten in Ontario.  PM.

“It’s super late.  You should get some sleep.  The plant won’t want their engineer showing up super tired.  No, not her, I haven’t seen her in months.  Saika’s nice.  Yeah, bike’s running great.  School’s fine.  Mom’s in Australia now, they called her down from Jakarta.  I’m fine.  Dad, I dropped gymnastics like two years ago.  Yeah, tell Karen I said hi.  Maybe in a year.  Yeah.  Bye.  …love you too.”She threw the phone against the pillow and did her daily run outdoors.  It was cold as hell and overcast besides, but sweatpants and a sweatshirt were all she needed with the way her heart was pumping.

She was gone two hours.  When she got back she had a missed call and another text.  Saika.

“Hi Shouko, I’m sorry but I don’t think I can go out tonight.   I think I must have eaten something bad. x.X  I feel like crap.  Call me when you can.”

“Want me to bring over some soup?” she asked when the phone picked up.

“No,” said a mewling voice.  "I just want to curl up under ten blankets.“

"I’m sorry,” Shouko said.

“No, I’m sorry.  I don’t want to leave you hanging.  Promise we’ll make it up, k?”

“You know it.  Get some rest.  L-  …later.”

She looked at herself in the mirror.

The flame daggers hissed as they glanced off Shizuka’s katana.  Shouko was fast, but the Eventide rep was more experienced and fast as hell for her own part.  The open field was about the only place where the pair of them - any of the girls - could really throw down and get a workout in the most important manner.  Dojo masters tended to take it bad if you blew up a wall.

“Your concentration is bad today,” Shizuka observed when they finally broke in the late afternoon.

“Yeah.  Hey, Shizuka, got a question for you,” she said around the butt of a cigarette.  Typical for her, Shizuka didn’t reply verbally, but only raised an eyebrow.  “You ever heard of anyone who stayed friends if one went Eventide and one went Radiant?”

Shizuka glowered.

“Didn’t think so." 

The Honda chugged as she parked it in one of the narrow bike-only, and she didn’t bother taking off her leathers since it wasn’t like she was going mallratting.  She stopped off at the pharmacy and bought some soda, some beer, some chocolate, and some soap.

"Rough day?” the attendant asked in a sympathetic tone.  She barely even glanced at Shouko’s ID.

“Uh huh,” she confirmed.  In the parking lot, she slid the candy bar she’d palmed out of her jacket sleeve and munched it.

Once home, she dumped the soap in the tub and ran hot water until the foam threatened to spill over.  Then she lit a cigarette and slipped in, groaning slightly as it almost scalded her.  She let her phone play American synthwave until the battery ran low and the water was cold and she was prune-fingered.

She looked at the battlestation and threw herself into bed, wrapped around her spare pillow.  The wind blew hard that night.

Sunday

Two hours for homework instead of one.  Weekends.

There was no meeting of the study group this week and so the day was uneventful, except for one instant when she was flipping channels and there was a news report on the ongoing decommissioning of Fukushima which caused her to mash the power button.  Natural disasters were not something she wanted to think about right now.

She ordered pizza and spent the evening playing Brutal Doom and listening to Rage Against the Machine.

Tomorrow was a brand new week.

[boobachu]

What The T.C. thinks about the proposed TF2 weapon rebalancing

Crusader's Crossbow Spoiler: she makes a long god damn post

The Panic Attack! Okay well, I almost never use this weapon except as a sort of troll weapon, like it’s a good weapon, but I suck at it so I use it when I don’t care... I’m having a hard time visualizing the new panic attack.

I never was swayed by faster switch speeds which is why I never even tried the reserve shooter, more pelets okay? less damage... will this be another mafia shotgun?

The wide pattern? Okay so the better you do... the worse your shots? Am I reading that right?

Aunno it sounds like it sucks to me.

The Ambassador Alleluia! They want to nerf one of the n00biest weapons in the game!

Any Engie main will tell you how frustrating and unfair it is to have some stupid spy camp an awkward spot and spam headshots across the fucking map. Maybe? in comp this isn’t an issue, but comp isn’t the main game so I don’t care.

Spy’s always been and infiltration class, they shouldn’t be able to spam shots from across the map. Though honestly the default has a similar problem, are they gonna nerf that?

The Dead Ringer This is the other super n00by spy weapon. Like this weapon’s spy’s phlog.

...may I ask a question? ...how does this make the weapon more balanced?

The problem with the dead ringer:

Pyros can’t hurt spies, you light up a spy, they transform into Ringy Gonzales! The fastest shpee in all of Mexico! Then outrun you, you fire off a flare on the spy, and they take the hit, but still don’t catch on fire... then they come back to do it again.

Like, I guess it fixes the perpetual Ringy Gonzales problem, but I mean... Pyro is Spy’s counter! EVERYONE knows this!

I dunno, I guess? you’ll see it less, but this feels like when they nerfed the Perfect Phogistinator Pyro Mark III ...by only getting rid of the HPup rather than the fucking uber/quickfix taunt. Like... YEAH it’s a nerf, but it’s a lousy one that doesn’t fix the problem.

Your Eternal Reward This is probably the most interesting spy weapon... which... do people not use this? Like yeah it’s a little more difficult, but aunno it seems copacetic with what the spy is all about.

This change reminds me of the Eureka effect, where I found immovable sentries was a fine downside and it didn’t need retweaking, but I can kinda see why they do it.

Aunno, maybe it’ll make YER more interesting... aunno.

The Sandman This is one weapon where yeah, It’s cheap ... but it also requires skill I find. Like lesser skilled players won’t be able to do much, but those that have played since they were in their mother’s ballsack are probably going to annihilate you and question what God would allow this video game to exist.

I have no real opinion here, like maybe it’ll make the scout less annoying but aunno.

Bonk! Atomic Punch is... basically back to it’s original form.

I remember learning that the scout pants at the end of the bonk which was either supposed to mean the scout becomes slow or gets critted, I forgot which, but yeah it’s basically that again which... aunno I think it’s fair.

Though I doubt it’ll change that much really.

The Pretty Boy’s Pocket Pistol  Aw yeah! Finally this weapon looks decent!

This will change the design from a “Challenge weapon” to a “AAH I’m hit! Save me fox!” weapon similar to the blutsauger.

Crit-A-Cola RIP Crit fish strategy

I’m gonna be real. I never play scout properly. I just fish people. Which I liked using this thing to go fish people harder.

This sounds more fair, but I almost never saw people use the Crit-a-cola to begin with so aunno.

The Atomizer Well... hmm.

I guess I would like using this since I basically play n00by fish scout. Everyone else though would likely be upset by this change.

It’d pretty much add this to the garbage challenge mode pile.

The Flying Guillotine I think when people say The Sandman is OP... they mean this fucking weapon.

RIP The Flying Guillotine.

Well actually... this would turn the fucking Guillotine from OP to spam town.

Imagine... a team of scouts throwing these down Hoodoo’s chokepoint...

Imagine...

...said no one ever. SERIOUSLY?! Who has a hard time hitting these fuckers? If you can’t hit them it’s because your aim sucks.

What the fuck did Soldier ever do to you, Valve? AND WHY DON’T YOU FIX STOCK’S GLITCHY FIRING SPEED?!?!?

Thank you.

Darwin’s Danger Shield A weapon that’s supposed to protect you from headshots, but really only does against hackers.

Well, this makes it impossible for pyros to counter snipers long range and hackers just got stronger, thanks Volvo.

I guess from now on if a sniper keeps killing people, instead of spamming the scorch shot, I’ll just become the seventh sniper.

I wasn’t aware that this was a legit strategy...

The Razorback needs one thing and one thing only and that’s immunity to headshots because when a Spy sees this they just headshot you and IT’S WORTHLESS GARBAGE WEAPON

The Vita-Saw 

Congratulations, you just made a worse ubersaw.

Crusader's Crossbow

Well... I didn’t think it needed a buff, but fine? I guess Uber Arrer challenge just got easier.

Okay good, so I can creep around corners again... really I feel like the change was originally to nerf the tomislav, but there was no reason to throw the other guns under the bus.

The Gloves of Running Urgently I didn’t think these needed changing but okay.

So they’re basically the old ones... wait. Does that mean if a medic is healing me while I’m GRUing that my HP still diminishes?

WHO ASKED FOR THIS SHIT?!

WHO ASKED FOR THIS?!?!?!??!

The Heavy is the tank, having items that get rid of his Max HP IS THE STUPIDEST IDEA I EVER HEARD

These are garbage weapons now, this won’t work.

Fist of Steel Okay I use these for two reasons:A) being a distraction nuisance while my team charges and sometimes I get melee kills B) Stupid punch heavy

NOBODY TOLD ME LOSING MEAT YOUR MATCH MEANT BEING NERFED TO HELL!!!

Okay it’s not that bad. Medics almost never pocket heal the stupid punch distraction heavy... but still. Like, it needs more upsides if you’re doing this to it.

Most of the time people melee the fist o steel heavy, like people know its weakness. If you’re gonna do this then maybe get rid of knockback or SOMETHING

Gyah...

Man, fuck you Valve.

The Engineer’s life is hard enough. I would accept this if the Sigafoo save was possible again or you had six bolts or something!

I dunno most of these changes are either bad, not good enough, or okay, but these aren’t written in stone so maybe when the next update comes out it’ll be good.

Wait a second...

WHERE’S THE PYRO?!

[mcreheros]

Hero!Brian: Thoughts

BACKSTORY THOUGHTS: When Lena left the Doomfist Gauntlet in it’s shattered display case without any sort of attempt to give extra security to it, Lena could have very well been prompting Brian to take it home and protect it himself, especially since she pretty obviously encouraged him to do the right thing with her little one-liner directed at him and Timmy (but especially him) before leaving, Well my thought process is: What if Brian actually did take it with him, deciding it's his responsibility to protect it from Talon.Of course, since Akande eventually gets his hands on it anyway in typical Overwatch “Darned If Ya Do; Darned If Ya Don’t” fashion, Brian and his family were probably at one point targeted by Talon and it was ripped out of their hands. But Brian was very determined that he had to get it back, Lena very much deeply affected this kid into viewing it as either he can do something about it, or stand on the sidelines and let others get hurt by Talon's actions. So with his family more shaken then stirred, he slips off one night telling Timmy to "cover for him" and running away from home- as per the stupid kid with a hero complex thing to do, already badly injured and most likely dooming himself to a life of danger, and maybe even never seeing his parents or Timmy again. But hey, he’s only a mere teenager, he’s probably going to be very impulsive when it comes to what he thinks is the right thing to do.

POSSIBLE IN-GAME THOUGHTS: -WIthout the Doomfist, he's a very classic Fragile Speedster with a fairly quick run, but pitiful Health and arming himself with typical weapons you'd expect a teenage boy to arm himself with, like baseball bats, hockey sticks and no advanced technology (think: Scout from TF2) I’d even like the idea of him being capable of stealing others’ weapons and using it against them.

-considering the game takes place 4 years after the events of the Cinematic Trailer (I believe), he'd be the only human-male character in D.Va and Brigitte's age range ( at about 18-19) and to further give him the feel of a very young man still technically a teenager; I imagined he’d often makes real world pop culture references and quotes memes, kinda like a male D.Va only a bit more composed about it since he's quite gloomy ( examples: calling Widowmaker “Smurfette” )