#and stressing me out about it so badly I made myself sick and could do neither

[starstruckpurpledragon]

So my mom tells me the wrong name for the restaurant she wants me to meet her and dad at. I get there. They aren't there. I had said the name of the restaurant back to her and she had confirmed it so I was definitely at the right place. But they should have been there for, like, ten min already.

She told me the wrong restaurant.

I finally got to the right place kinda seething internally though I was polite the whole time I was there. But I knew she wasn't going to apologize for telling me the wrong place. I knew that she was going to instead swear up and down I must have misheard her.

Never mind that she confirmed the restaurant's name when I said it back to her on the phone. Because we hadn't been there in a while and while I'd never had a bad experience there my parents are notorious about swearing to never eat somewhere again and expecting my sister and I to just know by magic that the restaurant is on their shit list for arbitrary reasons.

Anyway, I get there. Mom swears she didn't give me the wrong name. I point out that I said it back to her and the name I said was the place I went to. She mutters something about how I must have misheard. Not her. Me.

And, yeah, thank you to our server for seeing my star wars shirt and making sci fi jokes and doing a Palpatine voice because you made putting up with my mom's inability to acknowledge fault or apologize so much easier to bear.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not responding to a message about an ex-classmate's family member dying?

CW: The word suicide is mentioned, but no actual suicide occurs, is attempted, or at risk. I would not say it if it were not important, rest assured.

I feel horribly guilty for this, and if I am the asshole there's not really any way I can fix it, because it's been over ten years. I have no way to contact this person anymore, and I was only about ten when it happened. There is a lot of context about how she treated me required to get how this could happen in the first place.

There was this girl in my class who sometimes would join in with my bullies on being cruel to me, but sometimes was nice, it depended on how badly other people were pressuring her, and if she knew I'd find out she participated or not. I did not consider her my friend as she was only occasionally kind to me, but I went to her house once. She had invited me, and I'd only been invited to someone's house once before this, plus I had been told it was going to be a party with many people. I thought I could fade into the background, but no one else showed up (I heard rumors it was because they learned I was going, but I don't know if that's true or not.) It was a very nerve-wracking experience, and she later confessed to me that she knowingly served me food that had come in contact with something that could make me super sick without telling or warning me. (It did give me a stomach ache, but I was lucky and it wasn't too bad. It could've been a lot worse, and previous reactions had been.) I said I forgave her for that. She then confessed to playing a twisted game with the others on a day where I was out sick. In this game, they hid in the school bathroom with a flickering light. They pretended that bathroom was haunted by my ghost, and that I wasn't just out sick, I was dead- they even went so far as to pretend that they had bullied me into killing myself and that I was making the lights flicker because my ghost was going to hurt them, and take revenge on them. It was the most horrifying thing I think I've ever learned was said behind my back, especially when I never talked about self harm, suicide, or anything of that nature- they had made that all up for the sake of a game.

At that point, I never talked to her willingly again because I was just really tired of having her come into my space, insist we were friends, and then do something mean when I wasn't around. I'd get visibly tense when she was nearby, I would only nod or shake my head when she talked to me, just little things to remain civil and no shows of trust or affection.

Then, a couple of months after I'd left that school, she texts me for the second time ever, and first time in like a year, saying her older brother died. I was really stressed out that day, I don't remember by what, though. I just remember not knowing what to say, and deleting the entire app she contacted me on in a panic since I didn't hadn't used it for months anyways.

I feel like I led her on into thinking we were close by going to her house that once, and I know now I should've just bit down the stress and comforted her... but as soon as I made that choice in my panic, I couldn't fix it- there wasn't any way to undo it and I especially can't fix it now, so many years later. I guess posting this is more a confessional than anything. I sincerely hope all her friends were kind to her and comforted her and that my choice didn't affect her too badly.

What are these acronyms?

[alice-the-demon]

(Long post, content warning for mentioning r*pe and animal genitalia halfway through. I ask you to read it fully to understand what happened without misunderstandings and to not be vulgar if you want to make comments about me. Thanks.)

Hey guys.

You might be wondering why I haven't been posting art in the past few days. "Wow, Alice that it's not being active here? What a shocker, it's not like that's the first time this happened!", you might be thinking, "She's either working on something very big or just slacking off as usual!"

If you actually thought that, one point you're right, but the main reason is another and it's what I'm going to explain here.

I initially didn't want to tell you guys what was going on in the past days, because firstly I know that most of you here don't use Twitter and secondly I didn't want to make you preoccupied. But it's not fair that I keep this kind of thing hidden from you, I want to be honest so that you get a full view of what happened. And it's about this post I made. 👇🏻

On July 31st/August 1st a guy on Twitter accused me of making a comic where I badly tackled the topic of s*xual assault and that somewhere else I retweeted a content including "animal genitalia".

The first response I showed here I made it out of stress, frustration and tiredness, because when a friend of mine showed me the post of the accusation it was around 10-11pm in my country, I was tired and fed up with the fact that this is the second time that I got called out for the same reason and to apparently being falsely accused of z**philia. I wanted to resolve the whole thing quickly, I wrote my response with capital letters and bold in some parts and I went to bed, hoping that this story would die out soon.

When I woke up I noticed how my response's quotes were filled with people being mad and disappointed at me for the tone I used and that I didn't resolve a thing. In fact, because of this I lost over 20 followers there. I was shocked and saddened by this, I realised that I should've stayed calm in such a serious situation and actually act like an adult instead of berating the guy who accused me. So I wrote a second response, apologising for my behaviour and actually explaining myself (I won't post it here so I'll just make a recap of what I wrote).

First of all I apologised for the tone I used in the first response and the reason why I acted that way. Secondly, about the "animal genitalia" part... I won't go into too much detail because I don't feel comfortable explaining that situation here, but to summarize quickly the repost the guy was talking about was in the alt account I made on Twitter where I draw adult stuff, I explained the misconception and resolved it by undoing the retweet. (And btw for your information, I don't support z**philia, or p*dophilia for that matter. I might have weird tastes but I'm not mentally sick, that's for sure)

Finally I appropriately apologised for the comic I made. If you don't know which one I'm talking about, it's a Hell Tower Q&A I made where someone asked how an Angel becomes "fallen", with me answering that it happens when the said Angel falls into sin and reaches their breaking point. And to show the "breaking point" I wanted to show an action that it was clear that what they've done is wrong, and I've decided to show an attempted s/a.

Now, there's nothing wrong with talking about r*pe and s/a in media, in fact the guy who grabbed the girl in the comic got dragged away before he could do anything to her and sent in Hell for it. The problem is how I used this argument, using it as an excuse to showcase an imaginary scenario instead to tell a topic with seriousness. Without mentioning that I showed it without any warning when I first posted it.

R*pe and s/a shouldn't have been tackled this lightly, it's a serious matter and there are people who suffered and/or still suffers from it to this day. It wasn't my intention to hurt anyone like this because of my art and I apologise for my stupidity and carelessness, as I'm taking a break from my usual drawings I'm doing my best to get better and be more mindful when talking about serious stuff like this.

As I'm writing this I've locked both my Twitter accounts to avoid getting more hate bombs. Also I temporarily locked the Tumblr account for a day because some anonymous guy wrote something nasty about me through the Hell Tower's mailbox.

It's true what it's done is done, and no matter how much I want it I can't change the past. But I can get better in the present and change my future by slowly becoming a better person and it's what I want to do.

In fact, the other reason I'm not being active is because I'm making an important comic about the girl who almost got assaulted, both as a final apology and to give a closure to this situation once and for all. The story will follow Hilda (that's the name of the girl) talking about the toxic relationship she had with her best friend to a psychologist the day after the event, how they met, how it evolved and what consequences have brought to the girl's psyche.

If you managed to read this far, thank you so much. I'll do my best to be a better person and to make sure to not repeat history in the future. As a lil treat enjoy this lil doodle I made of my favourite Archangel X Imp couple. And I know that this is the tenth time I say this, but I really love you folks for understanding and appreciating me. ❤️

[cherryblossomforest]

Tw: anxious thoughts and compulsions

I've been having these panicking thoughts that almost always bring me to tears because of the high probability that they could happen. It's been triggered by recent events so it makes sense but it's stressful because it's made so much worse by my anxious thoughts. I keep having to cut the thought off because the more I think about it the more it feels like it will happen. Now I know thoughts can't do that but there's still this feeling that won't let me not do it because it might be saving me. Before I could just not let the thought finish and that was enough but now if I don't say God Forbid it will happen. Yes, I know that's not how that works. Yes, I still say it. Yes, it's hell. This is also the case if I imagine something bad about someone else and if I don't say it I feel like it'll happen which is terrifying. Another thing is I have to get myself to think something completely different otherwise the thought will become true if I continue to think about it. This all started getting worse over the last 6 months.

That got me thinking about my thoughts in general and how I think I'm slowly inching my way into more and more compulsions because of them. I never had to turn the entire cooker off, but now I do because of the possibility of leaving the gas on or having the fire accidentally left on and burning down the block of flats. I constantly see it in my mind. I never had to keep checking my door was locked and on the chain because doing it once was enough. Now I'm pulling the chain and door to make sure it's still strong and if I don't the anxiety I get and the visual images I see of someone breaking in are crazy.

This also makes sense why we struggled soo badly when our eldest sibling got sick and died because we spoke something out loud that we usually don't and then he freaking died. Not because of us, although deep down we do feel like it was something to do with us still.

My contamination anxiety is at an all-time high too. I just feel constantly dirty and I feel like I'm spreading it. The constant hand washing, bleaching and showering. Sometimes I shower 3 times a day even when I haven't gone out because I just feel contaminated which makes my Fibromyalgia and swelling so much worse. Contaminated by what? Idk just bad germs.

Also, my friend pointed out that I'm anxious about food going off and that I won't eat something if it's close to its use-by date. I get super particular about how food should be otherwise my anxiety is bad with this too. I'm super scared of eating mould that I'll throw something out if I'm too scared. It's hell.

I still have to hold my breath as I walk through a door if it's been raining because of germs and yes I know it doesn't make sense 😭 I actually need help now ngl...

[luveline]

Asking for a little advice since you’re so incredibly well spoken and wise… I start my next uni semester next week and to say that I am nervous and stressed is an understatement. I’m typing all of this at 6 AM and have not had any sleep at all lol. All of my classes are science and math courses, and like you said (I believe) in an ask that you answered about what you had studied in uni the first time and now, I too am not too good at science. I get all A’s not because I’m good at it, but because I put so much effort into it. It feels pretty pathetic that I was always once considered the smart one in my family and friend groups, but I think I’m now just the academically burnt out student. I’m getting a job for the first time this semester, and I’ll be volunteering to build up my resume. There are so many more incredibly essential things (both uni related and personal life related) that I have to do in the next six months and I don’t think I will be able to handle it all. The thing is, I have no other option. It is what it is, and I just have to deal with it. Therefore, what would you say is the best way to remain positive and what methods do you think are useful to reduce stress or at least calm yourself down in times such as those?

I’m so sorry for venting, I just wanted to give context to make my question make sense. Love ya Jade🫶🏼

no it’s okay don’t be sorry!!

well, firstly I would say that to -it is what is is, as gently as I can, that that’s not technically true. I’m so sorry because I don’t know your situation and you might be sitting there thinking well yes it is I have no other alternative, but that is the sort of thinking I had when I was in my first year of university , and it was so so damaging to me, I was so cruel to myself because I was trying to reach a level I could not get to no matter how hard I tried, and I considered this a deep personal failing when it wasn’t the case!! I truly don’t doubt that you’re in between a rock and a hard place and that there’s nothing else you can do, but if I can give you some advice it would be to try and slow down. Sometimes it’s necessary to fail a bit if it means you can breathe properly at night. I’m not sure if this is helpful to hear but when I first started uni I tried so hard all the time but I was exactly like you where I was incredibly burned out but I had always been a hard working kid (though I don’t think I personally followed the burned out gifted kid thing I was just more average and struggling when the work got really hard) and trying to force myself to perform when I just couldn’t hurt me so badly. I was really sick and I made myself worse. I’m not saying that that is what you’re going to do, but I guess what I am trying to do is gently suggest that it isn’t feasible to hold yourself to this standard, and even if it puts your life on pause or if it stunts your academic progress, you need to look after yourself, I’m really really sorry please take what I’m saying as like I know fully that I’m an outsider and I don’t know you and this isn’t even the advice you asked for, but as someone who I think has been exactly where you are I guess I’m suggesting what I wish someone had told me to do, which was to reach out for as much help as you can right now before things get unmanageable. I hate thinking you’ve been up all night worrying, no one deserves that sort of anxiety. Please get some rest if you can.

it’s so soso because this has actually made me want to cry, I have tears in my eyes writing to you, I’m just so sorry for you my love, I can’t imagine how awfully tired you must be feeling trying to carry all this weight and pressure by yourself, it’s a really horrible thing to feel so stressed out and you don’t deserve it. If you can take it easier please do, but now I’m gonna try and answer your actual original question as best as I can! I’m not sure anyone enjoys being told this but meditation can work! It really doesn’t work for everyone but it actually does for me, as well as trying to snap yourself out of the stress response. If you go on YouTube or TikTok there are videos where you follow along and they try to snap you out of your anxiety, when I was at my absolute worst they did help some. Better is to tell someone!! I would not have survived my worst moments if I didn’t have the blessing that is my nice and extremely patient friends, I have really paranoid anxiety and if I can’t get it out it stews so much and makes me feel like I’m dying and I can’t recommend enough telling someone about your problem in detail and getting some reassurance. If you can’t tell a friend or don’t want to, there’s a text service in the UK called SHOUT where you can talk to volunteers about how you’re feeling, but they’re extremely busy at night and never answered in my experience so if you do need to chat there’s more chance they’ll answer in the mornings. They will listen to anything related to suicide, self game, eating disorders, anxiety, stress, abuse, and it’s completely confidential, they just want to listen, and they genuinely answer you with real compassion and thoughts on your situation. there’s also some ways to stay positive I’m sure you know this but eating well and sleeping well can help, but obviously if you’re struggling to begin with it’s difficult to do those things. A few years ago when I was struggling with suicidal thoughts every day I started keeping a gratitude journal, and there’s a lot of apps for that but I used one called Finch!!! He’s like a pet at the same time. It’s hard to stay positive when you feel alone and like you’re carrying a lot, so I’d maybe suggest not focusing on positivity, because when you fail to feel positive that might be another thing to upset you !! I totally get why you want to though.

there are other things I personally do to stay positive. Not sure if you can do these things but, I carve out time for my hobbies even if it means I fall behind on chores! I eat way too much sugar which is terrible for me but it makes me happy! The same for fancy drinks, I’m much happier every day if I can wake up and have a cold drink lol. Also you can get lots of dopamine from quick things like yoga or phone games. Washing your face with really cold water can help!! Im sorry if any of this comes off as patronising or condescending that’s the opposite of my intentions, I just want you to be happy!! I think it really struck a chord in me because I know I’ve felt exactly the same way and I remember how impossible the situation felt for me. I hope so much that you can be nice to yourself while your circumstances are less than kind honey!!! You deserve some rest!

[edoro]

personal stuff about my Shitty Dead Dad

one of the things i’ve been struggling with lately is reconciling the story i told myself for most of my life, which went “my dad is/was a flawed person who experienced a lot of abuse and suffering in his life and did not have the tools to effectively manage his own feelings, and while he did a very bad job raising me and my brother in a lot of ways, i believe he tried his best and did better than his own parents did”

with recent realizations along the lines of “oh actually he kind of was in many ways an unrepentant and emotionally sadistic monster who lied to and used everyone around him without a shred of regard for their personhood or feelings, and it’s honestly pretty questionable if he DID do better than his own parents did except in maybe one or two extremely specific areas, and in some he honestly did a lot worse”

anyway yesterday my therapist asked about how he treated my mom, and the short answer is ‘badly’, while i think the following anecdote is really illustrative of the long answer:

one time after i moved out, my mom ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. my brother and our dad went to visit her, and during this visit, my dad discovered that just by talking to her, he could make her blood pressure visibly climb on the monitor.

he thought this was the funniest shit! he just kept doing it and laughing about it and pointing it out, like it was a cool trick he just learned.

thinking about that again, like... that’s just so flat-out sadistic. just being near this man or hearing him talk spiked my mom’s blood pressure - his ex-wife, the mother of his children - and instead of wondering how he could be such a negative influence in someone’s life that he made their health worse just by existing near them, he kept pushing the button to get a response because he thought it was funny. he didn’t care if that hurt her, he didn’t care she was already sick and didn’t need more stress, it didn’t even occur to him that this might be bad, he thought it was funny.

like... it was like he was a child who hadn’t learned empathy yet. except he was a grown fucking man who had raised two children.

interesting to realize the amount of time i spent feeling sorry for him or like i should give him the benefit of the doubt when he spent my entire life tormenting everyone around him - including me, his supposed favorite - for fun and then acting shocked and upset when it made them angry or they didn’t want to be around him anymore.

[returnedfromthepurge]

I still remember.

I remember when I couldn't even stand people talking about the problems they had with their children on a radio show because I was so overloaded with stress about the 20+ children at the daycare I was parenting*. (* What daycare is these days.) I would legitimately get so angry and turn it off for the rest of the ride because I didn't want to hear anything anymore. And I had an hour drive to get home.

I would lay down for sleep and try to do my nightly routines and my mind would play back any sound I'd heard that day, their screaming, the tiny voices shouting my name and their whining. I'd try to do things for stress relief, and needed headphones to separate my mind, to avoid replaying the songs in my head that had to be played all day, because stereo player silence was not looked positively on by management or auditors.

I remember being so sick of the mascots and insisting to the children that they were real, and these characters were the reason for art and music and why we study them. I felt like I was experiencing Corporate Hell and brainwashing three year olds to talk to a plastic sticker on the wall of a mascot when I didn't have time to interact with them. We were encouraged to use that tactic often, when a child would come to us to interrupt, not knowing better of patience.

The main mascot was used as a moral guidepost, however vague.

Everything below the cut is what the tags are about.

I had a parent who told me he was surprised his five year old son was still dressed when he came to pick him up- because at his old daycare, they left him undress whenever.

I never had stress like the day I reported to CPS about a child who'd did and said things that no one his age group should even know about. That child knew evil and it was present in his eyes. I have never wanted violence so desperately, to kill what he had been made into before he got to hurt more people. I wanted to kill a five year old boy and the human creature that turned him into this .His family could die too, the entire bloodline as far as I was concerned. I wanted the satisfaction that I could not have years ago, to kill the one that had possessed someone I'd loved and adored years ago, that was now infested in this child that I could see perfect dullness in his dead eyes. They had no life in them, and I wanted to be the one to be the one who stopped the flow of blood to his diseased mind. I saved many young minds from trauma by resisting that urge in front of them. He was transferred by his parents to a different school.

The day I vented about it to my friend, I was so distracted talking to the phone in the passenger seat, I rear ended someone, and wrecked my vehicle so badly it was undrivable. Everyone was uninjured. It was ruled an accident due to the slick roads. I still think that pickup driver was texting at a green light.

Weeks before I decided I would quit, I sat out beside a large bush next to a fast food place, and tears escaped before I knew why they were coming. I laid in the dirt until it was time to go clock in. A week before, I had had a panic attack terrible enough to take myself to the hospital, afraid what I would do if given the chance to run into traffic .

I bought myself a new shirt on the first day after the hospital, because I was told to be around people, for my own safety. For the days I took to recover, I bought myself a print of that one Louis Wainwright painting , " I am happy because everyone loves me." and framed it a month later.

I don't know that I'm strong enough anymore to handle having children of my own. I think I might be the best example of a person who should not have any. I think I'll be surgically sterilized as soon as possible.

I'm better now. I very truly love the job I'm at. But I know my limits more intimately than I ever thought I could. And I'm never putting myself in a situation again where I'm doing the emotional labor for parents and employers who throw money and gifts at me.

[icharchivist]

you ever get a compliment so specific on your field of study that all you can do is cry

I haven’t really kept up to date with my life on here bc things have been messy but this year i’ve been trying to finish up my uni diploma, which i had left in pause for years because health issues, esp mental health, just made it impossible for me. One of the class i still had to pass was English Literature analysis for this semester, because of a mix of “i can’t process all of those texts” and the fact it was an oral analysis presentation and my social anxiety had kicked up so badly those past few years that any physical presentation led me to such mental states crumbling that i just mostly didn’t manage to finish it up.

the oral was today, i’ve been stressed for weeks about it, i didn’t read half of the recommended texts, i don’t remember half of the lessons i did participate in, and i was so panicked i couldn’t bring myself to study at all, those past few weeks have kinda been a stressful nightmare on that point

I still managed to push myself to go to the exam (major upgrades on the last time i tried to pass it), despite an awful night and the fact i have constant dizzy spells these days (probably bc of stress)

turns out not only i was getting interrogated on the subset of the class that i didn’t vibe with at all/am not at ease at all, but i fell on a text we studied in class when i was sick, and therefore, it was legit my first time seeing the poem at all.

so i go in, lacking all sort of confidence, thinking to myself i mostly just need to show i was here and i’ll still validate the year with that. I try to yolo an interpretation of the poem as i can.

Only so that at the end of the presentation the teacher tells me it was incredible, that this interpretation was really good, and when i mentioned i was really uncomfortable because i actually didn’t know the text at all, she told me it’s even MORE impressive that this is what i came up on my own in 30 minutes. She then asked me if i was pursuing further degree in literature because i “clearly have a gift” for analysis and was disappointed when i said no because she said i would really bring something to the field.

i was panicked for weeks over all of that and now i got this compliment and i cannot process it properly, i’ve been crying for the past half hour or so

I genuinely lack so much confidence in my analysis in general (despite trying to hold up the appearance that i’m actually super confident, promise! any confidence you see on this blog is me lying through my teeth) so being told that by a professional on the field is just. oh god. 

anyway idk if i’ll manage to process more brainpower for today but for now i’ll just stay in a state of limbo a moment over the most specific compliment i could get on something i genuinely care about to start with.

man.

[diaphanous-autumn]

It’s been a long time...

...since my last post. I don’t even know if anyone’s still following this project. So many years without a word from my side. Too much stuff happened in my life and I needed some time for myself VERY badly.

I’ll write the reasons down under the cut, but list the TW beforehand. Please understand that these are no excuse for my disappearance but an explanation. I wish I had done things way different than I did.

TW: mental illnes, medication, therapy

TW: death of family member(s)

The reasons for my abrupt silence were:

1. I’ve been dealing with bipolar disorder that got out of hand. My medication wasn’t helping at that time and my therapist changed too frequently so I couldn’t settle in. We don’t have many good therapists and most of them don’t want new patients, so I had to go to the local speciality hospital to get semi-treated. There my therapist in charge changed almost monthly. I hated it. During that time, I tried to use my problems as fuel for my game. But depression withheld me from doing process. Only during my mania I was able to do some stuff and even then I got heavily distracted and completed other stuff. I couldn’t continue this way.

2. In the last few years I lost two very important and pillars of my life. My dear grandmother died shortly after my last post. My grief is long-lasting and it took even longer to understand that everyone grieves in their own way and that there is no timetable or guide how to grieve. The worst thing was: my father was affected by it most. He loved his mother even though there were rocky roads in their relationship. And I guess that grieve inside him was eating him up inside. I wish I would have been there for him during that hard time. 3 years ago I lost my father. He was only 51 years old. This was very hard to grasp for me. I couldn’t understand or accept it, but that’s what it is. His birthday is nearing and I still keep on thinking of him. I recently was able to get back to stuff I did before with him. Playing games I associate with him or listen to specific songs... The problem was: I did associate Ciel Nocturne on a very personal level with him. I didn’t bear to look at it and it made me sick.

3. Work took over most of my lifetime. Before starting the game and halfway through I had no job anymore. I started an apprenticeship and after 2 years of it I had to quit because I got sick too often. Shortly after I started another one that I had to quit after 1 year due to grieve and you guessed it- sickness. Depression made it hard to even get out of bed and that lead to stress and heavy migraine attacks. I felt worthless.

4. The ongoing drama inside the community wasn’t good for my mental health. I took things too personal and I didn’t want to be part of a toxic community. I got some very weird messages throughout development and my game got described as “some game where you play a girl that heteroes up a mansion with some white-haired guy” What? It made me unnecessarily angry and I took it personal because in the end, most stuff I put into the game storywise was my life experience!

5. Adding to the community trouble, I’m still very much pissed that my game got decrypted and my stuff used for own purposes. Someone stole my voice sound files and used them in their game. My scripts got ripped. Images from CN were still in the thieves’ game folder. Was this really something I could put myself through?

I had so much time to think about the game, the story and everything revolving around it. I decided I’ll start anew, I would love to rewrite the story a bit and come back with a completed game someday. I won’t post progress here and I learnt that I should make this thing in my own pace, without people or even myself pressuring me.

So... if you read all of this, thank you so much. This means a lot to me.

I’m really sorry for keeping up the silence until now. I hope I can reach some people with my game. So this might be my last post until I’ll release it, I guess.

Thank you.

[souldivide]

vent long personal heavy ok

it’s really helpless and crushing how im always cornered back to the same sad answer of how i should have considered the future earlier. my legs are in so much pain, im crying from how much my body aches and im simply told, you shouldn’t have been in your room all day — despite the fact i wasn’t allowed to go outside, and there was seldom walking space in our awful house. i was always sick, and always dizzy. it is crazy how dangerous black mold can be and yet we had a complete infestation of that and more. i want to consider pursuing a career ive had since i was a child though, im so passionate about art and i still am which might be a blessing considering how much commissions are hurting me mentally and perhaps physically .. opening several, several batches a year, constantly cramming them.. i think i want to do college. but i didn’t take on the scholarship i had when i graduated! i didn’t take the aid that covered my first year.. truthfully i didn’t think id make it so far. im insecure, im suicidal, im fragile. the past decade, i could barely get through anything without crying. it was humiliating to exist as i was in middle and highschool due to the living situation i was in, with no money and feeling i had no true support or even solidarity with my own mother, who must have been under much more stress than i was, trying to provide for her child. but still didn’t sympathize with me at all. the situation was hard, but i should have worked harder .. honestly, i do feel selfish for not having taken advantage of my moms effort to keep me in school, but ahhhhhh, i think it was just too much. i didn’t want to live like this. i was ashamed and disgusted, i still feel discomfort associating myself with that life. i cling to childhood and youth and traditions i missed out on because i lacked so much of that routine as a kid. is it so wrong to cry and want to die that you never got to experience a proper, loving christmas like everyone in your schools did ? no toys, no cable, only a tiiiny tiny laptop (like a 2008 chromebook-like thing) to keep me busy.. i wasn’t allowed to go outside of my own house to play with the dog, nor was I allowed to have anyone come over. wasn’t allowed to visit other people’s houses… not like i remember of that much anyways, as i barely remember anything from childhood except mortifying things.. i recently saw a way to connect to my mother by opening up. i confessed to her a lot of things as i was a mute child and never shared anything, never felt comfortable to — about how it affected me, about how i feel like im in stasis. i told her about what happened between me and my father, what happened between me and my brother, and i felt empty when she looked away from me and didn’t answer. No closure or comfort, and simply said that i should have taken advantage of my opportunities when I had them. And i have sabotaged myself. nothing else can explain for my disability, my mental health, and my plummeting education.

It took me 6 years to get an ID. 5 years to get a bank account. I don’t know how to learn how to drive and I am scared but I have to. i cannot go anywhere without someone’s help, primarily hers.

it feels too unfair, and i am still grieving for every year that passes by, even the previous year, that i am still locked in a house. i have never experienced much that i can call positive memories until i went to be with my best friend and my boyfriend. but that just made the memories painful too; when I think about how I have to end the trip. Board the plane or get in the car, and cry about how I have to go back home and be with my mother. it is not normal, to dread going back there so intensely. i wish i had a different life very badly, honestly, but a comfort i have now is that i think i am now strong emotionally and legally that i can make my own plans, manage my own bank, decide who i can visit without the permission of my mother. but. that is not because of my strength, and it is actually because she is sick. and she now has cancer as of september. I feel like i have been held in my mothers arms forced still for an entire two decades and the only reason she’s let go is because she is, her health is not well. And she has prepared me this week, a conversation of where to find her records, her files, her will, her passwords. Everything, if she passes away soon. i want to sleep forever, because i don’t want to wake up to a day wondering if it will happen soon. I don’t want to be in this position. I am scared. I wish I was with people I loved who loved me. i am shaking and sad. I wish I was too drained to cry anymore because I do it too much, for years. I wish I wasn’t such a sad person. I wish I wasn’t so miserable, I wish I had more happier things to think about when people ask me how I am. I feel miserably

I was gifted breath of the wild a couple years ago, now i am finally playing it. it helps i think. i really enjoy it most for the animal interaction and cooking and exploration.

[orchid-harmony]

alright. i am getting my revenge.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50

🤭💕

Questions 1, 8, 17, 31, 35, and 44 have been answered but here is the link!!

C!Orchid's response:

Q: "Do they wear perfume/cologne? If so what scents do they prefer?" A: "No, I don't wear any perfume nor cologne."

Q: "Do they enjoy cooking?" A: "Yeah, it's fun to do."

Q: "Do they enjoy baking?" A: "Yeah, same with cooking but it also calms down my social anxiety."

Q: "Do they have any tattoos? If so what are they and do they have any special meaning?" A: "No, I don't have any tattoos, just not interest in them and I don't like needles."

Q: "If they were badly injured, and for whatever reason couldn't go to a hospital, who would they go to for help?" A: "I would probably go to Becky."

Q: "Do they have any unusual fears?" A: "I don't think so?"

Q: "When they're sick what do they do to feel better?" A: "I would make myself some soup to make me feel better."

Q: "Do they have any regrets?" A: "I mean, yeah, sometimes I wished I could take back some of my actions that I did in the past."

Q: "Do they have any addictions?" A: "Yeah, I have a sugar addiction. Usually gets to the point that both Brick and Becky have to hide the sugar, mostly Becky since she can just grow and put the sugar in a high place."

Q: "Do they have any sense of style? Regardless of the answer do they believe they have a sense of style?" A: "I don't think I do, I just wear sleeveless shirts with shorts when I'm not outside. But when I'm outside, I just wear my Blue jacket with my sleeveless shirt and some comfortable pants."

Q: "Do they enjoy poetry?" A: "I never really understood poetry."

Q: "Do they have a hard time opening up to people?" A: "I mean, that's what both Becky and Brick say."

Q: "What kind of sense of humor do they have? Or do they have one at all?" A: "I sometimes say things out of nowhere that causes people to laugh."

Q: "Do they have or want kids?" A: "No, and probably never will."

Q: "How easy is it to become their enemy?" A: "Depends on what they have done to me."

Q: "How easy is it to become their friend?" A: "Not too easy."

Q: "Do they have a strong connection to their culture?" A: "Not too much."

Q: "What is more important to them, friends or family?" A: "Friends, but I do view Brick and Becky as family."

Q: "Would they ever betray someone for money?" A: "Not really, unless it's a stranger, then yeah."

Q: "How would they want to die?" A: "I would like to die not alone, I feel like it would be the worst feeling to die alone."

Q: "Do they have any enemies?" A: "Not really, but Brick says that I'm too much of a pacifist to have any."

Q: "Do they have any daily/nightly routines?" A: "Yeah, trying to finish my work but either Brick or Becky have to pull me out of it since I'm what they call a workaholic and put myself through too much stress."

Q: "Have they met any of their heroes? Did they regret it?" A: "Yeah, Becky, and I still don't regret meeting her!"

Q: "Has a chance encounter ever had an unexpected effect on them?" A: "Yeah, meeting both Brick and Becky has made my life a lot more easier, now I have the free time that I always wished."

Q: "Are they a #gamer?" A: "No, never really took interest in gaming."

Q: "If they were ever real would you be friends with them?" Creator A: "Yes, a million times yes."

Q: "If they had the chance to be famous would they take it? If they are famous would they rather they weren't?" A: "No, don't really like that much attention on me."

Q: "If they could change one thing about themselves what would it be?" A: "Having the ability to stand up for myself."

Q: "Do they play ttrpgs? If so what kind of characters do they play? Or are they more likely to GM?" A: "As I say, I don't play games."

Q: "How well do they deal with grief?" A: "Not really well."

Q: "Would they ever kill someone? Have they already?" A: "No."

Q: "Are they religious? If so do they have a strong sense of faith, are they uncertain, or are they somewhere in between?" A: "No, I'm not religious."

Q: "What are their dreams like? Do they have any recurring dreams/nightmares?" A: "My dreams are calm, mostly just me sitting on a small hill. Sometimes I do have recurring dreams/nightmares."

Q: "Would they ever crash a wedding?" A: "No, that would be disrespectful."

Q: "If they found a sword in a stone would they try to pull it out? How would they react to being able to pull it out or not?" A: "I would just leave it there."

Q: "Do they learn from their mistakes?" A: "Most of the time."

Q: "Can they speak multiple languages? If yes which all do they speak and why?" A: "Well, I can speak both Fennec Fox language and English."

Q: "Can they handle stressful situations?" A: "Nope."

Q: "Do they plan in advance or just wing it?" A: "I plan for things in case anything goes wrong."

Q: "Would they lie to get out of trouble?" A: "Depends on the situation."

Q: "Would they lie to get someone else out of trouble? Even if they would have to take that someone else's place?" A: "Depends on the person."

Q: "How likely are they to go on a request for revenge?" A: "Depends on what that person did to my friends."

Q: "Do they have any trouble keeping their enemies and their friends straight?" A: "Huh?"

Q: "What is your favorite thing about them?" Creator A: "C!Orchid's kindness."

[kuu-stuff]

20 October 2024

Got a bad case of art block again... I guess that I start to stress about my comic being good enough again. I delayed this week's part and now only drew like a page per day, what's kind of bad... I feel kind of bad in general, for some reason. Since last week I've been quite depressed and can't focus on anything. And I sleep like 3h per night then another 2 or 3 later in the morning. I don't have energy for anything and it's building up my anxiety. The weather is a little weird too, it's cold at night outside so we don't have the ac on but during the day it's still way too hot but going between cold and hot like that makes me sick. This country is really cursed ah ! ✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰ Since I'm been feeling down it was the perfect time to think about "This time I can share it with you", because it's a depressing story. Yeah you don't know it yet but I poured all my life-saved desperation into it. I'm looking forward to work on it too, it feels like an itch to wait another 2 weeks to do it. I'm still thinking about whatever make it extra sad or have them being cute and happy sometimes. I think both of those idiots are a little bit destroyed beyond repair so it would be more logical for it to go badly on every levels. But I also want to find a believable way to make Silas feel a little better at least. He really cornered himself there... I get it why the author let him die at the end of Da Vinci Code. Anything else would be worse. I mean, the guy had nothing his whole life, was nothing and has no purpose at all. He literally saw himself as a ghost most of his life and then when in prison he was waiting for nothing else but to die. And after being saved by the bishop he seems to not even being super buddy buddy with him, he was mostly admirative of him and wanted to repay him for giving him a life. And he really thought he could do it in the book, thus why he's so smug and all, he really believes he's doing something good, good in the sense that it will bring something good for the bishop and the Opus Dei, he does know that he will have to repent for it for the rest of his life. All he wanted is to be someone. To have a purpose. And to prouve to the bishop that he was right to believe in him. So when it turned out to be a ruse and fell for it so easily, going against everything he believes in as a monk, the bishop learning way too late that he made him kill 5 people, it broke the only image he made of himself since he was a child. It was his only chance at being something. Because even as a monk he was just a monk. With no real goal or future but praying for forgiveness and hoping to someday repay Aringarosa. And at the end all he did was to disappoint him and bring him misfortune. Fucked up. Brown is so cruel lol. His personality is hard for me to get right because his sides of him mix in a way that is hard to understand how he'd behave in situations. Sometimes he's super cruel, sometimes he seems to not care much, sometimes he cares too much and sometimes he helps people and worry for them and seems generally kind. It really depend on the people and the situation. I mean, I get that but I don't know in what category place Sasha. And there is a wide range of emotion he's shown having in the book. And since he's been alone most of his life he might not be able to connect to people at all. So I'm still analyzing him lol. But I love my boy and I'll find a way. Also since I made Sasha even more fucked up in every aspects I'm myself fucked up in, it makes me indulge into very bad thinking working on it and sometimes it goes a bit far and I make myself depressed lol. Poor lady. Silas only being a random dude to her, only makes me wonder how I possibly could make her happier too. And Silas is not the kind of person who could comfort her at all. Ah lala... That story is not going into a great direction is it ?

[vaida-talks-about-everything]

Kailman Legacy || 27: The Young and the Arsonist

TW: Mentions of abuse

So, with the mic in hand, Edith Dean listened for her queue, for the moment that the lyrics would be the hopeful gut punch to the girl she'd just met. And it certainly was.

"His lips are dripping honey but he'll sting you like a bee, so lock up all your loving. Go and throw away the key.

Hey, good girl, get out while you can. I know you think you've got a good man."

Wendell, fuming, stared Edith Dean down as she belted the song with fervor, with a conviction impossible to break. Little did she know the conviction Lacey had herself until the two stepped outside to talk, woman to woman.

"What's your game?"

"My... what?"

"You're little song and dance. I know you think you're slick, but it’s not cute to come for another girl's man so passive aggressively."

"Passive aggressive? I couldn't've been more clear. He is-"

"-You don't know him like I do. He told me about you, how you broke his heart and cheated on him with Thorne Bailey."

"Oh no, girl, you couldn't be more wrong. I left him long before then, and you wanna know why?"

Lacey continued glaring at Edith Dean, trying to hide the immense curiosity building within her.

"He put his hands on me. He tried trapping me with a baby when he knew full well what my dreams were, how badly I wanted to get out of my hometown and make something of myself. I had no interest in becoming the white-picket fence, baby-faced wife to a man like him, and he made sure to take it out on me before I left."

"He would never-"

"-Oh, he'd never do that to you? Just cos you're carrying his child, you'll come out of this unscathed? Do you think a girl barely old enough to drive deserved it? Do you think a girl who just graduated high school wanted to get pregnant by a man old enough to be her father? Open your eyes, Lacey. He's good at catching the right girl with the right words calling her his 'perfect girl', especially when she's looking for validation."

Edith Dean let the silence hang between them before revealing her last piece of damning evidence.

"Do you think you're the first to give him what he wanted?"

Nothing more came from Lacey's mouth then, so after a moment, Edith Dean walked away, holding her pride in shaking hands. Lacey was stunned, trying to grasp the reality she knew and the one Edith Dean presented. Her eyes were lit with holy anger, a righteous rage birthed from prolonged suffering, from pain unearthed from years of burying deep within her. Lacey wasn't stupid or cruel, but how could any of this be true about the man she'd loved since her early college years? The man who scooped her up after the death of her parents and made her feel seen during the most painful part of her life?

"Hey babygirl."

"Wen..."

"What was all that about?"

"Oh," she considered what he should know, what good it would do to throw this stranger under the bus, "nothing serious. Just drama between girls."

"You sure? She seemed pretty lit up about somethin' or other."

"Oh yeah, nothing to worry about, honey."

"Good. Don't wanna stress the baby out, right?"

"Right."

Seeing the couple together, her heart pounding and her mind racing, Edith Dean almost fainted where she stood. I can't believe I just did that. I can't believe I said any of that. Oh my god. Instead of trying to enjoy the rest of her night, Edith Dean took a cab home and released all the sick in the pit of her stomach, finally coming down from hours of adrenaline and dread. Alone in her bathroom, she sobbed, finally letting herself truly grieve the whole thing: grieve the loss of her innocence, the loss of normalcy, and the desire to fall in love. He was the match that lit the flame burning so many of her girlhood dreams, the arsonist of a young girl's youthful hopes for true love.

Instead of sitting in the ashes, Edith Dean wiped her tears, stood up, and found that haunted collection of words from that time, finally ready to put those words, desperately scribbled notes, to music. So, until the early hours of the next morning, her violin crooned and whined in her office, her voice cracking and breaking with strained passion as she recorded what she could on her phone. And thus, her first official single was birthed in the death of her past life: "Babygirl."

[sincelastsession]

Feel like anyone cares and I don't know how to explain it.

I feel like I exist in a world that is not their world and it feels almost like I'm talking to a different species of human. I feel like I'm just talking to nothing but people who have stunted empathy.

I feel like an island of a person.

I find it very hard to believe what people say is what they actually mean.

I find my definition of love and Care and compassion and every other Emotion and action that goes along with it is completely Different than everyone else's.

I feel like I'm in the wrong life and I don't know how to explain it and I've always felt this way

I feel like in the wrong body and it always felt this way

I've never felt like I've belong to myself.

Then when I try to act that way people treat me badly

I don't feel comfortable being myself around anyone anymore

And that's hard to say because I don't understand what myself is in that bothers me and it's a brain conundrum but that's the only way I can word it

I mean. I have these weird memories right just memories that would make me some fucking crazy if I told you.

I have these before I was born memories and they're very clear in certain spots. I have near does experience memories and everybody's told me and I've made it up but I didn't and I really did die for a period of time have a near desk experience and I came back and I don't think it's recorded in medical stuff I don't think this happened in a hospital but I have these memories. Then I have what makes me sound I guess really weird is the alien abduction memory that one's the weirdest.

That shit fucking terrorizes me too just as much as any other trauma.

I have this trauma from a fucking dream I had as a child I would be very very scared to go to bed at night Because I just had this dream that I could never make sense of And it was a feeling of being crushed and there was an Easter Bunny and some other just strange things and it's a dream that I will still have on occasion and I wake up freaking out just like I would with APT SD dream and it's so stupid and sometimes I wonder if it was part of a childhood trauma and that's how my brain was able to remember it I don't know

I know right now that I am so stressed out that I feel super sick so I can't eat anything until I calm down and I'm trying to do that and I am smoking my medical marijuana to thumbs up it's sort of helping it did not help earlier I'm really bad I'm disappointed in it for that.

Not to throw it with myself but I don't know how to explain what it's like when I get like that

I mean the only word I can think of that is gonna make me just sound more whacko but I mean I'm stoned so I guess that doesn't even fucking matter right now but I feel possessed and there's moments and it is something that really definitely feels like it's beyond my control to stop and it feels like it's going to kill me if I don't repeat or do the action to soothe Myself and then it doesn't ever soothe me I just end up crying and exhausted and everyone fucking hates me and I don't know why this happens.

I don't know if it's PTSD or if it is autism or what is causing it so I can learn how to find a fucking loophole and stop doing it.

And it's really weird how my partner can just tell me what to do like even if it's something I already know I can do if he tells me to do it when I am ready to be submissive and just let him take control then I just do it and if he is extra good at it that day I almost fall into a fucking trance and that's great because I mean I can still take back Uber at any point in time But it's like being put on auto pilot which is such a nice feeling to have I have it been able to be on Auto pilot edge the things the last time I was able to do that I was taking out her but now my psychiatrist is like no that's bad you can't have that the medical board will spank me I'm gonna be really dramatic about it and I really love Freud like to an extent it's terrifying

That was my mean impression of my psychiatrist who is a nicer man than that but it's a caricature so whatever

And yeah I do think that I have some form of dis a sensitive identity disorder I really do I don't want to have that definitely don't want that I've seen a lot of that on tiktok and it doesn't look like a lot of people are fake claiming it and just making it like their whole life and that's wild and I don't want that but I still want to be tested for it I just want to know where I fall on that scale because I know for damn sure I just associate and I don't feel like the same person all the time and I'm not talking about like the normal way I'm talking about Like actual different personalities and I don't know how to explain it it's so weird I mean it's like when you're a kid and you want to become the character and you soak it all in in the movie theater and you want to believe that you are just Spider-Man and so you're jumping around and copying the character's movements and things like that And it's like the adult version of that if I watch a show with a super masculine character then sometimes afterwards I will feel like a super masculine character and it is veryBizarre because I'm still there except it feels like this masculine persona is now walking around however over the years and I mean this has been going on since I was a small child I mean I didn't even have normal imaginary friends I had imaginary animals And then I had an imaginary actual friend and I'd measure a male friend and no I didn't see him he was just like a mental effective thing and yes sometimes I do actually still talk to that imaginary friend by myself to myself internally and his name is Jason and I don't know why I made him up when I was probably around 12.

That's so embarrassing but then like what the fuck isn't embarrassing anymore I mean it's just starting to reverse until I norms that everything is cringe and all that shit

I feel like I'm a Tom in my life where I'm looking at everybody younger than me and like you oh my God what the fuck Jesus Christ and not towards them all the time but like also towards myself because what the fuck

Like Jesus I wish I hadn't turned into a hermit in my 20s and been stuck in the house and abused by crazy people and I wish I would have just gone out and made friends and done stuff and done stupid shit at the right age to do stupid shit so when I turned 30 everything wasn't as horribly fucking terrifying as it's becoming now

And it's just getting worse it's also getting closer to my birthday and it's just like doom days and I don't know how to describe it other than that it's just like every day I hope to wake up with some dopamine in my system and everyday I'm fucking disappointed but I just raw dog reality if you don't count my Anxiety medicine and the weed in the evening. But I mean I guess we can go back and just take the weed part out because I don't always smoke every fucking evening. I also decided it would be kind of fun to journal while I was stoned because I don't know maybe would be easier to talk about shit who knows or maybe it would just sound like fucking fool and we're not gonna bring that up in therapy thank you very much. I don't want to be reminded of this unless it's like something fucking groundbreaking please dear God.

I don't know how other people do it I don't even know how the borderline personality disorder girlies do it and God damn they drive me nuts like I had that diagnosis for so long before they figure out that I have complex PTSD unless I do still have that and I have both which is like nightmare fuel and I hope to fuck not but I was told I didn't have that and it was a bullshit diagnosis which I totally agree with because the DSM is not the Bible and I don't agree with like half of it but it is important to talk about diagnosis and it is fucking important to me to talk about the symptoms and the overlap and just acknowledging the symptoms From those disorders that I have so we can figure out maybe how to do therapy with these problems because 1 day it might be the autism and I need to figure out which one is causing what or like I can't work on a certain path if it's a different problem

Like for instance if my autism is the bastard man that day then I need to work on a therapy type that works well with autism

Because if another day I come in and the 80HD is the bastard man and we try to use the same technique on me it might not work and we might have a shitty session

Unfortunately I know that we haven't created a special machine that can tell which one of those things is causing the issue today so I get it you can't really magically do that unless there is some silly little way to tell

But I feel like some days yes we have like decent therapy sessions do we have room to grow and improve yes we both do everybody does that's life I guess anyway so I mean the the weird thing is like all of the disorders I have varying ways to treat them and I don't know if those ways can be combined or if they're counterintuitive because I know that you're not really supposed to use cognitive behavior therapy with complex PTSD emotions

Which makes that really frustrating because you kind of need to do some of that and mindfulness but it has to be more tailored to someone with complex PTSD other than someone who just has cognitive distortions but if you have both how do you treat that without somehow fucking invalidating someone who is lake actively having flashbacks while they're talking to you and have like you know real emotions and shit going on

I mean it's been eternally frustrating for me to find a therapist It takes my insurance and so like no I don't want to quit but it would be really fucking cool if my insurance had like the mega boss therapist that just knows how to work with whatever the fuck is wrong with my brain.

And it feels like I'm fighting bosses like in video game like II don't know how else to explain I hope that's not insulting.

Like II hope I don't need another therapist after seeing you I like I hope that that helps and then I don't need to do this anymore

But I feel like not now not any time soon but at some point hopefully you know longer than a year from now I will I don't know actually be able to see some sort of like difference in my life that's decent

I don't really feel like I got to live my life. I feel like a side character. I don't ever feel like I get to be the main character. And I know that sounds pretty pity party but I'm a pity parties are fine like I'm sick of people shitting on that term and using it for evil it's okay to be fucking sad about your life it's fine

Hey everybody's like oh my God I have depression I have to take all these fucking pills like bitch no actually you don't you can just go to therapy and cry about it and hope that 1 day your brain is blessed with the correct chemicals or you just age and your hormones change and you get over it

And everybody gets so mad if I say something like that because oh no depression is serious who'll fuck yeah things I experience in the depression that I have sporadically fucking sucks and it makes me not want to be on this plane of existence a lot of the time

And I get up every day and I take my meds and I feel like I'm in someone Sims game I'm just trapped in my apartment and when they log on and decide to allow me to leave the fucking apartment I feel like I'm in like a stimulation sometimes like someone else has the controls and it's not in a good way. I mean logically I know that that is not proven to be true so I'm not fucking insane in that way but more in the conspiracy theorist way because God damn I love a good conspiracy theory don't we all and if you don't we can't be friends I'm sorry.

I keep having this intrusive thought because I figured out that I could hook my bluetooth on my phone up to any of the neighbors echo dots and Alexa's because they don't have locks on them and I have been so so tempted to hook my bluetooth to it and blast Robin dancing on my own very loud but I haven't done it yet but 1 day I'm gonna do it 1 day I will and I might go to jail but I think it would be worth it

I mean I wish right now I could take a big giant fucking speaker outside and Blair hole bunch of music and bothered the fuck out of my neighbors and be a fucking menace to society and get away with it somehow magically because there's tons of people that do that shit and they get away with it and nobody beats their ass and they just do what they want and how the fuck does that happen

And I want you to know that I am using Text-to-speech and I am stuck in a very thick Southern accent for some reason and I'm not going to even complain about it because it's rather charming sounding and like what the fuck is wrong with my neighbors I am so sick of those people I just wish they would move and I wish all these motherfuckers that are being allowed at the pool would realize that they're being loud at the pool and stopping fucking dumb asses and I wish I could go down there and be like Hey you're being a fucking asshole like just tone it down Like and I've seen other people do shit like that and how do they do that how do they get away with it it doesn't make sense

It looks like everybody else is getting so much done and having such a great fucking time in their lives and I know they all have struggles I know I understand that I get it but like what the fuck am I not doing why am I just stuck inside my house why am I just stuck inside my house why did my eyeballs stop allowing me to see well at night and why the fuck is my life like this because I didn't do all this and you heard me right I said all of this like I didn't do all of this

And you know I know this girl who was schizophrenic once and she was definitely a schedule effective... But the one thing she was always correct about because I had seen it I just couldn't prove it because I wasn't allowed back over at her house after I saw it and I wasn't meant to see it. You say her father really did abuse her and it was not a delusiand her mother stood by and denied it happened and I watched her soul just get crushed and I felt very intuitive with her and I knew what that was likeTo just have people that actually are controlling you crush your fucking soul for the hundredth time and every time it hurts the same and you feel this bit of dread and you can't do anything about it

And this is relatable with traumas because it's like yeah one trauma will do that to me once in a while but then also sometimes I'll just get a fucking dog pile of traumas and I'm living those moments in my head unwillingly and it's awful

I don't understand how I'm functioning. It doesn't make much sense how I'm functioning with everything I've gone through when people who have gone through much less are not functioning or have turned into a fucking serial killers or just live in mental hospital.

So I don't know what it is I'm doing correct or if I just have the kind of Nero spicy that doesn't allow me to quit or if I'm just really stubborn or if I have a high drive to live I don't know what it is exactly

And the intrusive thoughts oh my God they suck it's just it's like listening to a emotional teenager sometimes and then other times it's just like listening to a really sad boomer with narcissistic personality disorder and then you're like oh my God I've become my teenage self and my parents in this moment and Jesus Christ and then you go back to normal and then you know other times you're like oh fuck I feel like I'm 5 years old and I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do and I am about to cry and the store let me go ahead and put everything back as fast as possible with people staring at me weird because I'm being a ride egg and get out of the Store and cry in my car until I regain adult consciousness and then get mad at myself and don't feel like going back in the store and then I go home

And Dude I can't even shop without like worrying about shit you could ask Travis what a laborious process it is to go shopping with me because I have to fucking look at everything and I've been trying very hard not to go down every single aisle I try so hard when I have friends with me but if I don't have anybody with me I'm gonna be in that store forever

I do try to make a list and go in the store and get those specific things and leave and it never happens and it makes me so mad

Also I want to smoke cigarettes again do you think that the world is going to get any better to the point where it will fucking matter if I get cancer or just smoking cigarettes again unless I already have it then I'm just gonna smoke because fuck no am I gonna do Che my treatments I have seen people go through that shit and it looks miserable and it looks just as fucking miserable as treatments I've gone through already and no I'm sick of it I would just rather Fucking save the money and become a citizen of some place that allows like those death pods.

Just like humanely put me down instead once I'm getting like super sick I don't want to be stuck with a morphine drip in old folks home no thank you just put me in the pod.

But you know I don't think my future plays out like any of that.

My biggest fear is that I am correct about many things and I do in fact end up in shit city struggle buzz homelessness land and have to live an entire other life just trying to struggle through that and I am so tired of struggling and I'm so fucking tired of being resilient it is exhausting and I'm sick of it and I want my partner to just fucking take over and drive for like 2 weeks straight and then bring me back to reality for another week I mean he doesn't even realize that he does that very well I haven't told him I'm not quite sure how big the man's ego is it doesn't seem to be very inflated but you know he has his moments.

I'm like sort of scared that Justin is going to try to murder kill me but because of how sassy I was to him because he's a fucking child and a creep and something about his eyes was really wrong and I feel like he has chopped up bodies in his deep freezer in his garage but I never got to go look because every time I wanted to go to the garage he would not let me go in there and would make excuses and distract me so that's going to be a fun theory that I'm going to have in my head for a long time thank you anxiety and everything else contributing to that.

No but I think he's fucking crazy and I think he should be on medicine and far far away from me and stay away from me forever.

And if I do die or go missing it was likely him because I can't think of anyone else that hates me as much as a straight man It lives in Port Allen that got his heart broken because I wasn't feeling it and didn't want to fuck him.

It's a theory okay.

Oh honestly do not really enjoy being stoned I mean sometimes I definitely do but most of the time now I like to be clearheaded I like to be more guarded and it'd be really cool to get dropped off for therapy just incredibly stoned 1 day and see what we could get out of me

Kind of like a weird little truth serum or even like drunk therapy that would be fucking great and terrible at the same time you would probably get the most notes out of that to help like solve the puzzle that is me because that's what I feel like I feel like a very confusing little puzzle

I mean the disassociation factor is pretty high no matter if I'm hot or if I'm so LOL that was cute

But no it's happening all the time before I started smoking weed again and currently it's happening the same and it happens constantly I can have entire conversations with people and I just don't remember what the fuck it was about after and it worries me because like who was talking to them

Also I get all these friend requests from people on Facebook and I'm like how do I know them like I go out and I talk to a lot of people and I don't remember all the conversations I have or with who or what or anything about them but then I get all these requests from people that seem sort of familiar but like I don't know them But they know me

That's a little concerning but I mean I haven't been anywhere on my little Google maps tracker that doesn't ring a bell

I mean even though my GYN is sick of me I still go get tested as often as he lets me even though I'm not sexually active because I'm paranoid about getting something

I mean I've had so many weird things happen so I don't even know and I'm not talking about sex I'm just talking about in my life I've just had weird little fucking Annabelle use happen and I don't want an anomaly like that to happen either

So I have like obviously a whole bunch of unwarranted fears or whatever the fucking word it is

And I hate them and I want them to go away and I have this fear when I'm not feeling heard or I'm just in a repeat loop I'd like to call it a loop and I feel like it also has to do with autism because I read a very Interesting article and I thank Harvard put it out but I'm not sure and if I can find it it talks about how autistic people get in like talking loops and it's almost like a stem.

And I don't really know how to describe it like I've been wanting to explain what I'm feeling and what's going on when I'm repeating myself and I am not feeling hurt but it's less not feeling hard and more being pissed off because I can tell when people aren't actually listening. And there's many different types of listening and you know that because you've seen it and you've maybe lived it and you might do the same things that I do. I don't necessarily check out during therapy sessions sometimes it's just my brain wandering like I'm hearing what everyone is saying I could repeat it back and all that and then sometimes it's like auditory processing issues or I just don't fucking know how I'm going to answer or sometimes it's the 80 HD superpower where you have already figured out what everybody is talking about and what they're getting at so you're just like waiting for them to finish And it's so fucking irritating because you have to just sit there and wait for the person to finish what they're saying when you have already figured it outAnd this is very common and it's because my brain goes real fast and it's not just me it's other people like me that do this And we could play named that disorder that causes it but I mean there's probably another disorder that causes that to but I mean who cares that's what's happening

It's frustrating though and I don't know how to explain it it's like almost like being a psychic you hear the first part of a sentence and you're like up I Know where this is going and Then you hear like a few More clarify our words and you're like Yup understood and Then the person is still talking and you're like oh my God dude you can Stop I Got You right I'm good I understand I hear you Yup this is not new information I'm dying Here this is taking 3 million years and I can't remember what I was gonna ask 5 minutes ago and that's hell The inner dialogue goes like it is very frustrating and I'm not checking out I'm just knowing what's happening and going oh God here we go again because people pin me wrong

And if I knew what was correct or if there was a word that finally popped up and it was like oh my God yes that's it that is the fucking issue that's what it is that's what we need to work on along with all these other things that I have been like yes that's the problem to I would do that like if that came up I'd be like yep you solved it perfect great let's do it.

And I feel like you will figure it out and I feel like I'll have a choice otherwise anyway and I feel like you're either gonna figure it out or you're gonna just get really fucking mad at me and we're not gonna be therapist and patient anymore and then I'll be like really fucking upset for quite a while because like I don't hate you Joshua you're I mean you're a decent human being and I can see how sad you are a lot of the time I don't know what that's about but I see it and I'm sorry for whatever you're going through.

And I see other things but I don't generally like to point that out to people because it probably bothers the fuck out of them and that's not my intention with you I just decided to say that and let's not talk about that either because it's not important to my therapy and it's your business.

I should not try to interpret what my therapist is going through because I'm not the therapist. So you don't have to fuss at me during therapy about this because I know.

I watch something a long time ago about how like you can't logic your way out of mental illness. Like there's always gonna be some sort of emotional factor that you must deal with because you can think about all of it to death you can just beat it like a Dead Horse which I do constantly and I just want to quit beating this poor Dead Horse that's just like hamburger meat so they're just sliding in new dead horses for me to beat at this point and I'm so sick of it and I don't know how to quit and I love horses I don't wanna beat a Dead Horse.

I'm really just fucking mad at my family like I'm so mad at them. They do not really take accountability for shit ever. I want to just run away. I wish I would have done that when I was younger. I wish somebody had called CPS when I was younger when I told people what happened to me and nobody did anything.

I told teachers in elementary school I told nurses I told doctors I told teachers and no one ever did anything

I mean sometimes I feel like I already died and I'm just a ghost in my life and I don't feel like a person I mean I know I'm a person I know I'm a human unfortunately but yes I don't feel human and it doesn't make sense but I have never really I don't know I don't ever really Remember what it felt like To be a kid

I mean I can go back to certain places and remember things very vividly

I mean I know that if I go to a playground with rocks it's gonna be fucking disgusting but when I was a little kid I didn't think about that and I would pick up all the pretty rocks and I would have my pockets just full of them and my shoes were full of them because I would hide them in my shoes because the teachers would make us empty our pockets or I would hide them in my socks and just walk around with rocks in my socks and my parents would be like oh my God and throw these rocks away and I don't know why they just didn't let me keep all the goddamn rocks they let me keep a little bit but Like eventually they got thrown away I think.

And I loved buttons to an unsettling degree.

And one time I was scaring the fuck out of my mom I guess hiding in a Rack in the department store. And I used to always love going with her when she would pick out dresses for like sorority and Marty girl ball stuff because like I would hide and I would pick up the beads and the sequence off the floor but if I got caught doing that even though it was like something of no consequence my mom would make me go and hand it to someone that worked there and I would just cry and they would just end up throwing it away and I wasn't trying to steal anything I just thought that they were pretty and they were on the floor And I know now as an Adult that department stores don't do anything to like fix the clothing they just throw it away if it's damaged or sell it that way they're not going to sew a sequence back on. So I think it's pretty bullshit that I got fussed at for that as a child and then I have always had a fucking terrifying fear of accidentally stealing something and the only thing I've ever stolen was a tiny spoon from a restaurant that ended app failing anyway and then the spoon got lost so it doesn't really madder andThat's really it I don't have any other kleptomania type stories I don't even think that qualifies as a cleptonia thing

I'm not fixing these types of hope you can figure it out

But yeah it's like almost 2 AM and I should go to bed but since I had to talk To police officers today which is fucking terrifying honestly because I mean you're just talking to him but you're watching them because you're watching their fucking hand to see if it goes to the gun and I watch these motherfuckers touch their guns without unholstering them but just touching them just keep in their hand ready 22 shoot me at any fucking moment like that's terrifying

And you can see like a sort of fear in their eyes when you're talking to them and then you're also watching their hand going to their gun and you're like scanning them and they look utterly terrified of you when you're just talking to them about a noise complaint and you're like great I'm gonna be like the next person in the news if I make one wrong move with this cop because I'm the 1 that called them out but they look like they're about ready to shoot me because they look scared and like 1 of them is a sheriff and like it's really weird how they do that Like most of them

And I'm about to go check my flower pots because I think some people just dumped them over and there's nothing that can be done about that other than another police report since my father will not let me get a camera and honestly I should just leave it there I should just let it come over onto the balcony until they evict me for the mess

Like maybe I should just let some of my awful intrusive thoughts win

Like I still really want to go get a porcelain doll and just leave it on the stairs and maybe get a few more and just leave them around the complex to scare the fuck out of people to give them a reason to get cameras

I mean I also thought about doing this in October if I'm still stuck here which it seems like that's going to be the case at this point because my parents fucking hate me and lie to me and shit and I don't really get to choose where I'm gon to live next anyway because that's a lie they told me to look at places to find places to harvest places for them to look at and then they tell me that all these places are wrong and then they'll see like 1 or 2 places that peak their interest but don't peak mine and I'm like no I'd rather not live there that's not really the best spot to live and they're like no this 1's perfect let's go look at it and I'm like you know this is like a whole house that costs way too much money and if you put me in a house before you both die I don't know if I will actually be able to pay those bills if either of you lake suddenly croak in your boat like the age or you could do that at any moment and I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you guys as was written in society and from me trying to learn how to be a fucking person that you know I'm supposed to take care of mom and dad when they get old just like they were taking care of their parents and then their parents bit the fucking dust

And I can hear my neighbor's hollering Right Now it is entirely too late for people to be hollering I Am sick of this

Like I don't want to live near a pool ever again unless it's my own fucking pool in my own goddamn backyard

I love swimming I would go out there and swim every day if I had a point in time I could do that

But between getting and healing up from constant hydradenitis no matter what do I do to treat it and type tiny children taking over the pool and pissing and shitting in it and people fucking in it and then the pool turning green and everybody wondering why is the pool green and then it getting shocked and then like there's just no time anymore for me to go down there and if I go down there when other people are down there they are rude as fuck

And no Joshua I don't think I'm trying to police the pool because I too want to be in the pool I could go swimming at AYMCA if I would just get enough rest and go there and get a membership but I can't afford to do that right now because I don't know what my cardiac problem is but it sucks according to the EKG that they interpreted and having too high of a pulse could make my heart just pop

And so my parents don't understand what an enlarged left a trium is of the heart and that's not good like they could have Google that

And they don't understand how regardless if it is like engineering or some other cardiac issue causing it or if it's the PTSD and just too much fucking Stress. Like they haven't like caught on to what I'm trying to tell them and they don't quit like treating me like shit and stressing me out and yelling at me and then that is super triggering for me. And you know I bitched a lot at my parents today like I got into it with them and it's no big surprise

I justAll I really want is to be understood and when I say I want to be understood I want to be mentally understood and I don't mean like to the hundredth percent I mean to enough percentage to where they're like oh yeah we get it but they don't. I mean I can tell when somebody has caught on and when they have it it's not hard to read that.

Or maybe it is hard for everybody else to read things the way I do maybe that's really difficult for them I don't know anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore I'm really tired of being in therapy and it's not you I'm just tired of being in therapy I've been in therapy for going on 26 years now and it's sucks I'm just tired of it I feel like if I could learn math and get my fucking GED and go to college I feel like I would smoke the fuck out of everyone.

I don't even know what subject I would do but I feel like I would be entirely too good at it

I don't know maybe that's just I don't know stupid fucking thinking I am not sure

I'm so fucking stress though like I'm so sick of having my heart raise it's exhausting and my parents don't understand that I'm physically exhausted like I'm not doing anything to exercise but my resting heart rate is ridiculous and if I walk to the kitchen and back to my room my pulse just shoots up like crazy and if I cry I feel like my head is just going to pop

And I just I wish I could describe how it feels physically to be mentally ill

And I don't mean mentally ill in a bad way I mean it isn't like I have these diagnosis it's considered mentally ill I'm just using that word

But anyway back to the subject it doesn't physically feel good like when I get angry the anger goes to my Forearms And that doesn't make sense

Or maybe it's not angry it's one of my emotions and it feels like it's just stuck thereI think it's like anger rage

I mean I know that every time I mean pretty much not every time pretty much all the time my muscles are all very clinch stuff and I can't do anything about it and the anxiety medicine actually helps with that is what a rheumatologist wants to talk to me and like how it helps and I don't feel like explaining it but I'm sure you can guess why anyway Still sometimes like after I've been in a very traumatic argument or something really horrible has happened that day or I've had a really bad flash back and I've been crying and screaming and freaking the fuck out you know it's just painful

In I mean if you've worked with any sort of military veteran or other people who have had sexual abuse and they have mentioned physical pain yeah because they're feeling that

And the brain is crazy it's a wacky thing you know like there's a video I posted here about autism theories and shit like that and it makes sense how my brain works if I go by that theory like it makes complete sense.

But could I describe it to you like the person did in the video fuck no

I wanna go back sometimes like without the consequence of my life-changing too much or some sort of magical way or I still get to meet the people that I love like I want to go back and time and fix so many things and see what happens and do that over and over again till I find the best possible timeline just stay there

But it's really frustrating because there's no timelime in which something horrible didn't happen to me unless we go back to lake when I was just fucking born but oh wait horrible shit happened to me right after I was born you know like I might not remember it but I know that they did medical testing on me and I had to put an oxygen box and apparently I was maybe born blue and with a cord wrapped around my neck But I'm not sure

I do get mad at my parents for deciding to have a baby and then having me and then fucking treating me like shit

And then I get mad at them for adopting a baby and still treating me like shit and giving her everything in the world and her stealing from me and making shit up just so I would get in trouble because she thought it was funny even though we're 15 fucking years apart you would think that my parents would believe me the older person but no they did not

And I don't know if you've ever watched Rick and Morty it's not my favorite but there's a clip where they're eating dinner at the table and there's a butter robot it's whole job is to pass the butter and the robot can't scents in realizes this and it's like oh my God

Sometimes I feel like that robot I'm like what is my purpose and they're like your purpose is scapegoat and I'm like oh my fucking God

I mean we could interchange scape good with a bunch of different things but yeah

I know that lake purpose of me is for me to go live my life right is that it did I get it right

Um but I don't know how to do that

And I don't know how to explain

And unfortunately we don't have one of those cool therapist patient relationships where you study me and we go on adventures like they have in movies because like that would be dope then you would be like oh fuck now I understand I've seen it oh holy shit but no I don't get that and it's okay

I think about it sometimes and I think you would have a fantastic times studying me and writing a book on me or something but those are just silly little intrusive thoughts and I don't actually want somebody to do that because they've already been in 2 medical studies and I'm not too thrilled about that either

So the medical studies Those are fucking wild I have no idea why my parents decided it was a good idea to let me decide if I wanted to go or not or why they thought giving me an option to go but then deciding for me anyway was a great idea because like I don't like them for making me do that

I mean you name the medical test that they could possibly run on a child with A rare autoimmune disorder

And I had every single fucking test run until I finally hit my limit because I didn't want them to scratch my back with a needle to get a skin sample I was fucking done and it really wasn't even the test it was just I had been with a heparin lock in my arm and I had to have my fucking arm strapped to a board and then they would switch arms and I don't even remember how many tests they did I know that they put Like green screen technology which was just beginning back then on me and studied the way that I walked I know that they took nude photos of me to chronicle the What the skin looks like so I'm not too thrilled that there's pictures of me floating around for doctors to look at when I did not consent to that I'm sure that they have more pictures by now and I wish I could get those pictures taken down out of the database and I want my fucking chart from when I was little because I want to know what the hell they did with me

I remember having to do a barium swallow more times that I would like to have done one

I remember being inspected by so many doctors growing up you know what it's like to just be sitting there on a medical table and you're just like it feels like you're the show pig or something like yeah look at this look at this medical and normally oh my God look at her Kimberly why don't you just tell us about your disorder yeah I do that and so I would just spout off about the disorder and everybody would be so thrilled with me and then you know my parents would fight or my parents would get mad at me for something or another Then I did or said or they would fight with each other and then like I would have to hear the argument the whole way home from children's hospital. But like in NIH like getting there one time was the most insane parallel universe shit I have ever experienced in my life okay so it's pouring down raining it is storming it is terrible I don't even know where the fuck we are me and my mom are in some sort of rental car and it is just it's raining so hard and she's flipping out and I'm flipping out and I'm just a little kid and she's just screaming at me and popping me as far as I remember but she'll deny it and We end up at ACIA headquarters that we're not supposed to know about

Like I'm terrified there's nothing but men in black everywhere my mom rolls down the window and gives them her Driver's license and I'm just hysterical and they come back and my mom and then talk for a few seconds and then they fucking escort us to a certain area but my mom makes a wrong turn and then we end up at a gas station and there were yakuza like Maryland up there somewhere yakuza in the United States with swords and suits at the fucking gas station and then they like walk off And I will never forget it because one of them was cleaning fucking blood off of his sword and I know that sounds insane but that's what I So that's what I saw I was a kid it was fucking insane and I tried to show my mom and my mom was just like not now and screaming at me and trying to find a place to like turn in and the gas station this this fucking gas station where you know I see these yakuza people like on the other side as we're turning in like kind of walking off and then like this weird crackhead comes app to the window and scares the fuck out of both of us and my mom hands them $20 and ask them for directions and thinks that they're going to give her change back because she's not even stupid and Then has a flip out because they didn't give her any information and took $20 from her and the gas station person will not open the door and tell her how to get where we're going and then after that I think you know eventually We got there obviously but it was hell and I never want to do that again and it feels like it was literally just yesterday and it feels like when I was in the car with my mom last time we went driving like she doesn't understand me being in the same vehicle with her reminds me of all that insane shit and all the other insane shit that has happened when I have been in the vehicle with her because oh man so many weird shit things happen.

And in the other time I don't remember it all how we got there.

And what else can I tell you about while I'm just sitting here not sleeping because I'm really worried people are gonna fuck with my property and me until I move out of this hell hole and I don't think I want to tell anybody except maybe Travis where I'm living I don't really want anybody Uber at my fucking apartment unless they're going to be chill or I have to get a roommate and I really don't want to live in an apartment again I can't do this shitty again I am not built for this this is not for me Unless it's like a place where there's just no fucking children

Or you know a place with people who have kids but people who you know control their kids in a good way not in a militious narcissistic way

And I've been trying to get ahold of my friend Mike out in Abbeville because I really need to get the fuck out of Baton Rouge lake and I know he would let me crash at his house but I don't know what the fuck happened to him and I hope he's okay but he has not been replying to my texts or answering my phone calls and that means that something shitty happened because that's what always happens when he finally gets back to me or when somebody else calls me to let me know that something bad happened And I don't feel good about that and I'm worried

I am pissed off at my partner but I don't feel like quitting the relationship because I've been in it too long and I want so much attention from him but he went through a whole bunch of bullshit at the same time I was but his bullshit got more attention and I put my bullshit aside because I thought that he would you know be able to be there for me when he was done with his bullshit but then when it was my turn to tell him what was happening he was like oh no that's horrible and then just started talking about other shit and He used to not do that and it makes me sad because I just don't feel like He really even fucking cares I mean he says he does he tries to show he does but I mean why the fuck if he can go visit so many places and eat brags about how many places he's been and how he used to just catch flights and that's because his dad used to work for the airport doing some sort of airport job at some sort of airport company but I mean I'm assuming that's how it was easy for him but He could still do that he could still come see me but he hasn't and that sucks and most days I don't sit around and think about it most days I just leave It alone

Because like I have somebody who loves me and yeah they live really far away and I would love to visit them but that would opened their whole life and I don't want to have that conversation was him and it would hurt like a motherfucker and I don't think he would choose me because he already has another partner that's there that everybody knows about and people know about me But not everybody likes they knew about her and having the conversation with him about like hey do you talk about me Like you talk about her and it wasn't like a jealousy thing it was just like curiosity and I think you took it wrong but I mean eventually we got that sorted and he said yeah he did to certain people and I wasn't mad about it But I don't know I just feel like I'm always the back burner girl I mean even in polyamory it seems like that but I mean this is not really something I want to talk about in therapy right now so you could write all the notes you want on that but not yet I'm not ready for that right now.

I mean ideally there's lots of things I wish I could change about my relationship and people I love and care about here but you know most people it is unrequited or they are very toxic and bad people.

You know having AVP of city group drink Jack Daniels and hold a gun to his head repeatedly night after night and having to talk him down from shooting his brains out and then getting to a point where he wanted to tell him to go ahead and just log off of Skype

Like I don't know what even happened to him. I think other people in the group I was in in that IRC chat room kept in touch and other people did not I looked him up online FBI style

And I found that his wife filed for divorce and he had to take a parenting class so I'm glad I can't have kids and bullet dodged but sometimes I wonder if I would still say yes because he's a fucking almost billionaire and he's not ugly but could I do it could I put up with someone that drinks and acts like that could I just be the cold wife that allows them to act like a dumb ass

I don't know I guess I'm just like daydreaming or something. The only partner I can see myself with well there's 2 of them andThey're the ones I want here in this state but they're probably not going to be good for me in the long run

Like my ex who is sober and a teacher and going to classes and getting another degree like he would be great but I feel like he doesn't want anything to do with me other than friendship and I can tell that he loves me but I don't think he's ever going to act on it I mean he's much younger than me he just turned 30 I didn't even realize the age gap until like we were already dating for a while

And then there's Matthew who was a sexual trans or Gray Ace trends but did not define if they were male to female or another form of trans which I don't know all the correct terms but I felt safe with themThe most.

And then I would say my ex is second

I actually had a huge fit when Justin wanted to cuddle with me In the bed that Trent always would crash in which is my guest room and before He got sober and he would crash he would always want to cuddle me while he fell asleep or he would want me to cuddle him while he passed out which was no big deal for me because I was fucking touchstarved and just really wanted to be around him and sometimes I would lay there far longer after he passed out and just listen to his horrible fucking snoring but be blissfully happy because like his arms were around me And I was so comfortable physically but I would eventually have to get up and go to my room so I could get some sleep He has a sleep disorder also that makes him fight in his sleep and I've gotten hit once or twice on accident and I don't want that to happen again.

And then Matthew just slept like a beautiful fucking princess on his back and I have never seen someone sleep so peacefully like that it is terrifying like how do you do that I can't sleep but on my side or stomach and I know that that's like some sort of psychological thing where like you're protecting yourself and your sleep by sleeping that way like there's this whole thing about it but anyway ice nor and I grind my teeth and it never bothered Matthew and he was always so happy to wake up next to me and he would give me kisses and that's the only intimacy we really had we would cuddle and we would Kiss and it wasn't like you know like make out sessions or anything like that it was just like sweet little kisses and you know like I could sleep nude next to this person and they did use male pronouns as well so I guess I can just use all of them but anyway late I just felt so safe and I was always so sbird and he would come over every single Sunday evening as early as he could get away from his wife and kids because they were apparently separated at that time but he was going to visit the kids on Saturdays and Sunday mornings and I did not know he was lying to her for most of the time and when he did lie I thought it was because of something else because she is not mentally well and I have seen and heard it but he is also a fucking liar And he hurt me so fucking much it's like he took home away from me because he was home

And Trent is also a home for me

And I couldn't make a home with Justin that didn't work he was not good there was something wrong with him like really really wrong

And I'm really scared that my relationship is going to fail. Like I really miss my long distance relationship partner and I wish she would call me and I wish we would pick up speed on everything again and I'm really sad because he just doesn't seem to care some days and it hurts and I know That some people don't talk to their partners every day but I do and I don't care if it's fucking weird. He doesn't reply to me every day but I'm really happy to say hi and talk to him and everything.

I don't understand how rosters work

I do want this explain to me in therapy and how the fuck do these people do it and why is it okay with all the dudes and what's going on.

Also I have had so many men hit on me lately and I'm like oh jesus fuck because I don't know what to do with them

It's weird because I feel like I would be better at dating women but I don't like female genitalia I think it's repulsive And I'm not really interested in that

I mean I'm not always interested in dudes but I have 0 idea how to navigate funding a bi romantic female partner that just wants to do cute little adventures and sweet little hangout dates and kisses and cuddles

I'm tired though and it's aggravating because like I've always felt like I needed permission to do anything even rest you know

And having matt as my dominant is really freeing. I mean there is absolutely fucking nothing on this planet like subspace. I just feel safe and floating and I can't really do much else but just lay limp and eventually the everything comes back and I'm back.

And it used to be we're like he would be at work and I would wear a sex toy and it would be like long distance Bluetooth and that would be a fun time while I got things done around my apartment and my apartment was sparkling fucking clean and I'm so embarrassed of how bad it got because of all the things that happened and all the things I can't do anymore on my own without help and I'm tired of asking for help

And I just want him to take over all the time. Because I'm just so sick of having to drive this shitty brain

And I don't think he's ever abused the privilege.

I think they're shit he needs to improve on but you know it's nothing like other dominant submissive relationships since it's long distance it's more like a mental thing and I don't know how the fuck he gets me to do things that I have been dreading for weeks.

He just tells me to do it I say yes sir I go do the thing and then I tell him I'm done and he's gives me praise and the more he gives me praise the more I go into a subspace and the more I'm a happy camper and life isn't too shit

I don't think I've ever had good sex in my life and that makes me sad and I don't even know who to look 4 4 that anymore.

It's fucking depressing really especially with the state of the world and all the straight men out there like what's a fuck.

I'm scared to date anybody else in Baton Rouge other than my ex-boyfriend

At least I know what I'm getting with that 1 and now I mean he's ever so I really don't know he's been a lot in nicer

But I don't hear from him as much

How do people just meet up and have sex like that.

Never could rap my head around that

Like I had to know people for a little while at least before I'd tried anything with them and the most sexual time of my life was high school

And I was very hypersexual as a child and there's lots of weird shit I did and I really don't know if I need to tell you any of the weird shit unless that's important to know but yeah I was very hypersexual as a child even as a small child and into like yeah no I never stopped being hypersexual like with myself and being focused on that At a very young age.

I don't understand the people who have like 1 or 2 sexual abuses and they make it their whole personalit is to be some sort of like bipolar or mood disorder grilly and they get nose rings and tattoos and do their hair and cut themselves and I never understood that

And I tried to do the hair color thing but I mean I think the hair color thing is like a universal girl thing that just sort of happens

But I'm not talking about that I'm talking about like the outlandish random things they just do in the middle of the night

Like am I just not fitting the box for what I'm supposed to be acting like with all the shit that happened to me

Like the really relatable shit and then the heart ratific shit that no one can relate to because holy crap how did that even happen to you

It also really butlers me that any time my doctors have asked me what was going on in my life and I told them the truth they would tell me to go find a nice man that I could tolerate and marry him and get the fuck away from my family and it's been More than just 1 or 2 doctors it's been like 8 Different doctors mail and Female

I had one Doctor told me that if she were made she would have jumped off the Mississippi bridge by now and she didn't understand how if the things that happened to me were true how I hadn't fucking lost it

And that's not the only Doctor that's been like holy shit how are you still alive like how are you still functioning and I'm like dude I don't fucking know I don't know I technically don't even want to be here at all and there's no amount of psychord or therapy that's going to make me want to really be here I just haven't quit because I'm stubborn and I figure eventually my brain is gonna give out and I'm gonna lose it and nobody knows when that's gonna happen so why Care half the time I mean I already have some other darkness heart condition that could fucking kill me and then I've got this other crap going on which we don't know any of the definitive results of and I don't evenGonna live to 60 years old to be on us like I'm not trying to be morbid or awful or suicidal sounding or any of that like I just don't think I'm going to make it

Which means I mean if we're rounding here it feels like I only have like 20 years left to have a life and I don't know what I'm doing now and I'm almost 40 and that's horrifying for me

Which means I mean if we're rounding here it feels like I only have like 20 years left to have a life and I don't know what I'm doing now and I'm almost 40 and that's horrifying for meAnd you know sometimes I wish I had like a little reasstransferry but I don't

I don't think that I hit a lot of psychosocial stages correctly at all and there's probably other things that I didn't hit correctly I don't know how to explain that further because I'm not an expert and you probably know more about this than me but I think that's a problem

I don't think that I hit a lot of psychosocial stages correctly at all and there's probably other things that I didn't hit correctly I don't know how to explain that further because I'm not an expert and you probably know more about this than me but I think that's a problemAnd I don't know how I'm supposed to repair it myself because like I would like to be an adult now I wasn't adult as a child like I had to be the adult I had to act like an adult I had to talk like adults I didn't get to play like a kid and when I did try to play like a kid kid's thought I was weird because they thought I acted like a noodle and my mom would even call me that and she still calls me that and it's like fuck you dude I'm old and you're older than me you're like Twice my age if not older

Wait who the fuck does the shit that my parents have done to their kids like what sort of monsters

I'm just tired and I wish I had really fucking good insurance

And I wish I had the money to just get away from SSI and find myself an apartment or a house preferably a fucking house because I don't want to live next to other people ever again unless I am forced to

I don't want to have to sell nudes online and I feel like I'm gonna have to do that

And I don't know I just this is not the life I wanted for myself this is not the life I want for myself right now this is never the life that I wanted I didn't even want to be alive when I was a kid I just wanted to go ahead and die and meet the angels and for everything to be over and I did have it in your death experience but not believes me about that and nothing is what everybody thinks it's like I mean there's a few things but it's a neurotech experience I think it's just you know probably a chemical dump

Is it weird that I don't want my parents to sell my childhood house because I cannot dig up the bones of my dead dogs and bring them with me and every time I pass that house in the future I don't know that my pets are just buried in that yard and that's gonna fuck with my head and I just don't even like to drive past my grandparents' houses because that's sad and I miss when everybody get Together for families stuff. I miss my grandmothers so much.

I mean you said I could talk about all this depressing ass shit and I wouldn't go to grippy's sock jail

I'm just here and I feel like I'm existing just because I have to and I'm not enjoying myself but I don't like the other option and I don't want the other option because it took so long to get here. And I can't sleep like all the time to try and get away from it.

And all I've been doing is existing in my apartment and the Mess is piling up and I keep trying to clean it and it just goes faster than I can clean it and I'm not taking very good care of myself like I try and I don't feel depressed

And people are like are you sure and I'm like yeah no I don't feel the depression I used to have and I don't reallyNo what happened like what made that nasty feelings finally go away because I don't experience it anymore I don't know if I had a seizure and part of my brain broke or what

And I do think a lot of my problems are neurological but I can't fucking find a Doctor who will look into that's all that my insurance will cover

And I would like to just have a nice chill life.

And many people think I do but I don't it sucks I can't even fucking nest in my own home it's just like clutter and mess that I pick up and then more of that accumulates and I try to decorate and I try to keep to some sort of something that goes together and it looks like shit and I just don't think I'm good at being a person

Enemy I'm just doing what I've watched other people do I don't even know if I'm enjoying like any of this II don't know I don't know if I want to do any of this like I don't know if I want to have everything in my home pink or fucking shave my head I don't know where I'm supposed to be at

And then everybody's like oh my God can't remember the time you had an existential crisis and you were kind of like this and I'm like yeah yeah I know go listen to some Alan Watts and do some mindfulness and work on my cbt.

I really don't like DBT and I would like it if that would be kept far away from me because fuck those acronyms that I can never remember Like they're stupid I hate them you can try to get me to remember one but you're gonna have to train me 46 months for each and every fucking little acronym I have to remember because I unless I get hammered into my head it's going bye bye and they did try to hammer it into my head and it did not sdick and I can't remember Jack fuck

And you know I was on a lot of meds back then now they had me on so many mood stabilizers and anti psychotics and bipolar medicine anti depressants and I didn't need any of them none of them worked and the ones that worked the 2 main ones that worked I had stupid fucking allergic reactions to them and I am still mad about it I am still so fucking mad about my allergy dissolved in my allergy to limit dope because they both work I was happy it was fucking happy I felt great And then fuck everybody for not letting you have ambient because it was the best sleep of my life and the ambient adventures oh my God I can't even explain how fucking great It is to have an ambient adventure because like you don't care about anything you're just like in the moment doing this thing and you know you're fucked up like you're fully aware that you're on ambient and you're you're leaving sober awake you for the next day little notes and just doing weird shit that doesn't make sense and you know it doesn't make sense but you don't care because it makes sense to you right then and there and yeah it's a dangerous medication and because I had that reaction when I was young they won't give it to me anymore and because I have certain heart issues I don't know if I can have it again But I'd also don't want to have Too much of an adventure I just really actually want it for sleep I never abused it it was just when I would accidentally stay awake on it and I really do mean accidentally I never purposely stayed awake on that shit

I was always too scared of medications to abuse them because I would read about the medication and what would happen if you mixed it with certain things and the chemical structure and all of that like

I mean I remember my old psychiatrist was teaching me about chemical structure and benzo's and one reason xanax works better than the other ones and it happens to be the only 1 that I respond to well without memory loss and without other issues or opposite reactions is because it has an extra o-ring on its structure And my brain is like oh okay this is fine

But if you give me cloni I turn into a psycho bitch monster and I don't remember anything I do

And if you give me ambient it sedates me lightly and then I am an ultra fast metabolism of ambient so it does not keep me down very long at all like they would have to give me a massive dose to keep my ass chilled out for longer than an hour

And then vistaril could just kill me

And then volume does the opposite effect and it's like if somebody gave me steroids kind of same exact things happened and I flipped out and I ended up strapped to a bed or we're like banished to my room

I mean that's what happened when they tried that medicine on me I just became fucking insane and incredibly sick.

So that's why I only take xanax andIt helps with my heart condition and it helps with my muscle problems and I know I'd talk about it a lot and that's what freaked out my other therapists but it's just a repetitive loop and it doesn't mean that I'm craving it or any shit like that I actually didn't even take my second dose today because I'm a fucking dumbass and I can't remember to take the medicine that could possibly give me dangerous seizures because I'm an idiot who has to do idiot things and I don't know why I'm like this But I also do but I also don't because there's a secret third thing that I don't know about

There's always a secret third thing that I don't fucking know about and I'm so tired of the secret third thing and if you don't know what I'm talking about please see secret third thing memes for reference

I'm just sitting here looking at all of the terror card decks I have and all of the spiritual girls shit I have in my practice of witchcraft that I've been doing for so long and I'm in the mood to just throw it all away but I know I would fucking hate myself the next day if I did that so I'm leaving it alone

I don't know what I don't feel my age

Sometimes I don't feel any age at all

Sometimes I feel like I'm 5 or something like that

Sometimes I feel like I'm 16 and still in high school

Sometimes I feel like all different types of people.

I do wonder if it's the disassociation or if it's just me studying people and then having autistic burn out and not knowing how to act anymore

I don't want to be trained on how to act. I feel like everybody's been trying to do that to me my whole life.

I don't feel like I ever got to just be

And now that I'm gonna adult and I'm supposed to just do whatever I don't know how to do that

I don't know how to be

I don't even feel comfortable relaxing without having to ask for permission and before I had to ask for permission I couldn't fucking relax I was absolute fucking wreck

They only time I could relax before was just getting incredibly high and going to sleep and I never actually relax

I would just be unconscious

I'm just so fucking sad and angry and I'm so tired of feeling this way and I'm so tired of repeating myself and I know that you already know about most of the shit and I know that it's annoying but fuck God I have to live with it this is my brain I don't get to make it shut the fuck up or I would have by now

And you know I tried to explain it's hyperverbal ADHD that's what it is that's paired with my OCD and that's the little monster and then with the anxiety Kix in it just puts it on over drive and then all the other disorders sort of just fall like dominoes and it can escalate or it can just be a couple of repeats

And I know that that's difficult to treat and I know that I'm difficult and I'm not trying to be difficult

And I hate that I feel like I need to explain everything to everybody so much they understand that they know how to treat me because I was told that we're supposed to treat people how to treat us and I don't know the fuck told me that but nobody actually listens and treats us the way we're supposed to be treated or the way that we want to be treated

I mean I'm just kind of stuck in this body and I'm just scared I mean I don't know what sort of insane thing is going to happen next and I mean that's generally a really silly sentence to hear but with my history like not just me making some sort of cognitive distortion Here

My history is a bunch of crazy little things happening right after one another and I have the worst distress to our ends ever and I don't know how to fix that and I have tried

But if you put me in a chaos situation that is nothing to do with me and I'm the one that has to tell everybody to pick up the fucking phone start doing chess compressions where's a Doctor this or that I can take charge in those kind of situations no problem and I did

And I did during Katrina and I was young and I watched children die and I watched old people die and I watched children scream and I watched all sorts of horrific fucking things

And I've seen other things to that I can't really even talk about and nobody knows and I don't know how to talk about it

And I feel like nobody's ever going to get it and they're gonna make all these little assumptions about me and my behaviors and they're never gonna have that oh my God Aha moment

It feels like people with the closest issues to me do understand like every time I've been in a psycholoy gets it and of course I don't give my number out in psych hospitals anymore I made that mistake one time and I'm never doing that again

But like the other patients understand and it's this thing was all of us we all get so pissed off because the doctors and the nurses and even the therapist at those places all seem really jaded and they just make a little assumption and go off that and I don't know how many meltdowns I've seen that were diagnosed as borderline that were just autistic women who Didn't know how to express their fucking emotions correctly or had some sort of other autistic issue and I don't know If I need some sort of specialized Thera beep for what's going on or if we're doing is fine or whatever at this point because lake I'm just a late diagnosis like anyone else and I'm different just like everybody is And I just want to understand where I fall on functionality and all of that so I don't have to keep explaining what's going on to my parents so I can just hand them a piece of paper and be like here this is my diagnosis this is my functionality this is how I am this is me

I wish I could just tell them that this is me but I don't know who that is and it's not just a diagnosis

Put they always look at me like I'm a problem but they don't look at themselves in the problems that they created and it hurts to be blamed for everything and it hurts to watch them sit there and lie everybody

And then it makes you the crazy person of the family and then no one wants anything to do with you because you're the crazy person because you did all these bad things but none of those things ever really happened I mean that's what they try to tell you

It's so fucked up.

I just wanna sleep and I can't I'm too scared to sleep and I don't wanna wake up in the morning but I will most likely unless heart explodes with the cardiac problem than I mean can't really do much about that if I'm dead but yeah I guess I just need to go to sleep somehow

I feel like my life is just going to be hell until I move and I don't know how to get out of the apartment in go places and I don't want to go to the library I'm not comfortable going there by myself and I owe them so much fucking money and I don't have the fucking book that was already falling apart and got ruined in water and the replacement book for it is so fucking expensive And I'm so screwed.

And it's not just that I just don't want other strange people around me I don't want librarians following me around because they do that because they think I'm up to something but no I'm just gathering a large stack of books to look through and then I end up putting them back and then getting dirty looks from librarians because I didn't check anything out and I just I don't like going there unless it's like with other people for some reason anymore

And it's not just that I just don't want other strange people around me I don't want librarians following me around because they do that because they think I'm up to something but no I'm just gathering a large stack of books to look through and then I end up putting them back and then getting dirty looks from librarians because I didn't check anything out and I just I don't like going there unless it's like with other people for some reason anymore And I used to go to the state library and I would meet a friend of mine there and he was also a friend that I would go a state sale hunting with him and he would look at old records and I would look at all the other stuff and we would have like such a nice time and he died And I've been thinking about him a lot lately and I miss him a lot and I'm tired of not having all those people that died around me anymore and I feel completely isolated and alone

I get tired of hanging out with Travis all the time and I'm sure he gets tired of me and I would like other friends to understand me and come hang out and just accept me for who I am and there doesn't seem to be anybody like that anymore it seems like it's awesome sort of weird little game that everybody plays and I don't have the rules

And everybody wants the way I talk to be fixed and you know I said I was open to working on things but am I doing it for myself or am I just doing it to make other people happy again

Because everybody's always like you need to go to therapy and work on this so I go to therapy and I work on that but that's not enough so I go to therapy and I work on another thing and that's not enough and I'm just not enough for these people

And there's plenty of fucking people that walk around and never go to therapy and they're absolutely fucking awful and people just fucking kiss their fucking asses

I don't understand that

I don't understand how my sister can be such a shitty person and then I don't understand how she's accumulated so much stuff unless she's just stealing it at this point and then she puts on these cute little tiny outfits because she's a cute little tiny girl and she goes to all these little brave party and hangs out with all these 20 something year olds are older and it gets all fucked up and invites them all over to my dad's house and it's really Weird to me

My parents keep complaining to me about her but they don't want me to say anything about her and then my dad used to call me and ask for advice on how to deal with her

And then it became too late because when I told them exactly what they should do they would help her out a lot they ignored me and now they're like oh my God we should have done that and I'm like yeah you fucked app but now she's fucked app and she won't get help for herself and it worries me and I don't want a drug addict sister and I know I don't get to choose that but I don't want an asshole bitch ass sister like I didn't help raise her To become this way and it makes me mad because I did have to act like her mom because my mom didn't act like a mom my mom had no idea what she was doing and just like to play Dolly's with us basically. She just wanted to dress us app and take pictures and take us to the mall to show off the cute baby and all this other crap and then we got old and we were not fun to play with Anymore and Then She was too busy and Then dad was around and I Don't even remember other than catching tiny frogs with him as a child much of anything to do with him because it was all abusive but he was not ever Really abusive to my sister until I moved out And then not even then like he's only been mean to her in recent history but he's done the same shit we've all done which is like she's Screaming and escalating and having a fucking tantrum in the car and won't shut the fuck up and stop freaking out and then we just pull over and tell her to get the fuck out of the car because nobody can stand being around or anymore and then I mean I've never personally left her by herself Where I did not make sure that she got home safe in some form or another

But I mean she's really fucking abusive too she will bait me in my mom does this and my dad does as they all bait me and I realize it too damn late

And then when I catch on she notices when I catch on she knows when she can't fool me and she will get aggravated and she will make app some sort of scenario and escalate and escalate and escalate and then start pushing my buttons again and it's a pattern and she does this whether or not you respond and then she will be in a full flip out and then everybody without even asking what's going on will jump my assAnd then when I catch on she notices when I catch on she knows when she can't fool me and she will get aggravated and she will make app some sort of scenario and escalate and escalate and escalate and then start pushing my buttons again and it's a pattern and she does this whether or not you respond and then she will be in a full flip out and then everybody without even asking what's going on will jump my ass

And yes the phone just repeated that paragraph twice I don't know why I probably need a new phone I've needed a new phone upgrade 4 times that I have offered to pay for if it was overpriced or my dad wasn't okay with it and my sister has gotten iPhone upgrades every single fucking time she can but me with my measly little Android phone I don't get anything Because it might cost my dad money and I'm like hey dad I would really like to just go get a phone upgrade and can you please come with me to do that Because I want to make sure that they're not trying to sell me something else and fuck up and then get yield at you because I fucked up the family plan or something. Plus I can't actually go get a phone upgrade with out him he's there or something according 21 of the stores I spoke to and I don't know the special password

I don't know I don't fucking understand it

And I don't understand quite a few little things because I do keep to myself a lot and I don't go out a lot because horrible shit happens to me when I leave my apartment and it has continued to happen and I am scared to go places and I don't know how to explain that it's just like a phobia and I don't even know what college did because it wasn't covid

It's like I was pissed about COVID but cause I was pretty much an introvert before that happened

And I didn't thank you affected me really I mean I did the whole bread baking and shit like that but like I didn't really do anything different than I normally do other than pick up a bunch of new hobbies

And so many people acted like it was the end of the goddamn world and yeah a lot of horrible shit happened but does no one remember the other viruses we've had does no 1 know about the other weird ones that we have now and I mean it's not going to be a big thing in a couple of years they're just going to treat it like the common cold and if you die you're fucked

I don't know if I'm gonna write anymore tonight I think I'm just gonna smoke more and try to go to bed I don't know what else to do.

I just feel like I'm wasting my quiet time right now and I'm scared to go to bed because then like I have to sleep and then wake up to loud noise again and it all starts Uber and I don't want any loud fucking noise again I don't want people bothering me and my parents think that I'm gonna make it to September or October for me to get a place to live because they keep moving the date and they won't give me a clear-cut answer about anything and it's driving me insane And I really just want to live a peaceful life so I can continue to work on therapy and do good at it And become financially stable and stop being fucking scared of things and work on people pleasing and all of that crap and I want to do it in peace with no drama in my own home that I don't really need to worry about too much possibly with a decent roommate I don't know but I just want a safe space that I can call my own to get better and and yeah I want to be financially stable enough to work if something happens to my parents I can take care of all the bills that I need to take care of But I don't think my parents understand this economy I don't think they understand what the welfare system is like and I don't understand a lot of shit that I need to understand and Nobody is willing to teach me and I'm a very hands-on visual spatial learner and you know YouTube videos aren't a real person there showing you how to do it and it just makes me feel fucking stupid because I'm about to turn 38 and I don't know how to do a lot of stuff that all my friends seem to do with ease and I don't even know if I should call any of those people my friends because where are they when's the last time I heard from any of them other than them laugh reacting on a Facebook post

And I thought about doing a social media cleanse and just not going on there for a while but I mean for what purpose I mean I'm not going anywhere in my apartment I don't think it's a good time to do that even though I would love to do that but then I'm gonna fucking go insane because I won't have anything to distract me from the horrors

Because I'm already trying to consume like 5 different forms of media just to keep my brain busy just to distract me enough to where I'm not raging pissed at people who are just living their lives But also dumb assholes that I'm not allowed to say mean thanks to even though they are passive aggressively being horrible to me I really do want to do the porcelain doll thing I really would love to do that but I feel like I'm not sneaky enough and I would get caught but the idea is fantastic and I know that if my friend Anna did not move to Florida that she would happily do the honors

And it's weird it's like all the best people I know have either died or moved out of this State and I want to move out of the State and run away and start Uber but I can't do that like everybody else because do you know how hard it is to get all of your medical charts and go to a new State or country and get all that set up that's a fucking nightmare I'd rather just die from the levee breaking honestly at this point

Sometimes I just want to run away to lake Mexico even though I really am starting to develop like a prejudice and I don't quite like that but like I'm not really enjoying Latino people even though I am partially Latino people because I can understand a little bit of Spanish and I'm not stupid I don't know but sometimes I want to run away there I just want to get the fuck Away from this place

I mean it's sort of becoming a dystopian nightmare now like I can barely afford to live and I would not probably be able to afford anything but paying that rent on this apartment in a very tiny amount of groceries like Dollar Tree groceries if anything happened to my dad or to my mom unless that fucks up the lease and I am forced to move out by the owner Or the owner's children and I don't want to do any of this I I'm tired I don't want to do any of this I don't want to have any of these Bad things happen I just want a good quiet life with somebody who adores me who I actually like back who feeds my soul and I want to work from home and I want to be cared for and I don't know if I've ever really been cared for in the way that I need that

I don't know I guess I'm going to bed

I don't want to because that means I have to go to sleep and I could possibly have nightmares and this is the only quiet time I can't sleep during the day because of the loud people so I don't feel like I'm getting any sort of peace

And I told my parents I was not going to be able to last till September

I don't think I can mentally do that

Like I need out of this environment it is bad for me

You know I even asked my mom if there was some sort of way I could take out a loan and just pay it back slowly and she told me that I didn't have any credit because my dad fucked that app so I couldn't go get along

And that's sucks

Thanks mom and dad for putting me on SSI and fucking me over to where if I ever got better I couldn't good try for a normal job Because I did actually used to go out and try for normal jobs but back then nobody wanted to hire a disabled person that needed to sit down to do the job or might need to take extra breaks even though I would be very good at all the jobs I applied for and even my internships there was always something wrong with the way I spoke or the fact that I couldn't do enough work or I don't know something there is always something wrong with me enough never anything that the adults would take accountability for

And I did hold a couple jobs and there's no paperwork for that and idk I don't want people to think I never worked my ass off they treat me like I never have.

My sister actually doesn't believe that I've ever had a job and treat me like a fucking idiot because of this and I've told her about the jobs and she doesn't seem to consider it to be a real job because she worked as a prep cook in a kitchen

I mean who fucking cares she keeps getting fired from those jobs anyway because she's terrible at timing but cause she won't get on meds for her problems and Copes with weed and I know that I use medical marijuana but she's not using medical marijuana she's just getting it off the street like a dumbass

And I got hurt this little kid that my mom was supposed to give her and she took it and I did not receive a thank you of any form and that was so fucking cunty of her

And sometimes I do want to just go over there and just beat her fucking ass for what she did to me and I never have and I don't plan to because I would not survive in jail and I would probably not survive any sort of sentencing to do community service either unless it was like really easy work because I'm fucking disabled as hell and why is it that she gets away with what she does and I Always got punished and I still do

Why did my parents get away with doing stupid shit and they can point out how stupid and dumb I am but I can't point out the dumb shit they do that's not very fair

I think it's a very stupid social game to act like that

And I think the whole you need to respect me because I'm older thing is so played out

Like I love these people but also fuck them

And I wish my neighbors fucking apartment would just collapse because I'm absolutely tired of them and I'm tired of the pool noise as well at this point and I wish that I could figure out what chemical that I could dump into that bitch that would just turn it some horrible color send nobody could swim in it for the rest of the fucking summer because I am so sick of living here

And now I can't go to sleep because my ESA cat is flipping out at me which he does sometimes even when I'm calmer but I can never figure out what the late night alerts are.

It might be like harmonal or something I don't know but it's really irritating and sometimes they both do this from now till like 5 AMIt might be like harmonal or something I don't know but it's really irritating and sometimes they both do this from now till like 5 AM

Okay once again trying to go to sleep don't know if it'll stick but whatever it's not like I have anything to do tomorrow except be tortured by noise again oh boy

Like even if I bring the pictures of all the dumb shit that happened to the office and I show them and I explained to them what's going on and I take the recordings of all the loud people They are not going to do anything

This apartment complex is getting worse at least in the area in which I live and I can't just move to another apartment like everybody else can

Like I can't just switch apartment because this is driving me nuts.

A fucking word if I could but I can't and

You know I told my parents that I was willing to live in a studio in a nice area and just put all my shit in a storage unit or something for a while till I could find a bigger better place at least I would be safe in a studio apartment gated community that had high ratings or something but I don't really want to live in another apartment I just want to get the fuck away from all this stress

And everybody's like but you're creating your own stress and I'm like no no I'm not I'm not consciously doing that and if I am then I am not aware of it

And even when it's pointed out to me I don't see what they're talking about

Like maybe once or twice I did and I was like oh okay and that was reasonable

I don't even know why I do these journals I'm tired of doing the journals because I don't feel like it's actually help in anything because I still don't really feel understood at all and I don't know I probably just need to go to bed I'm a crab and I'm tired and I'm too stressed out to get in bed and go to sleep how fucking stupid is that like

And people don't even ask me what's wrong people don't call me to just talk with me and hear about things they just get really mad when I don't tell them anything super positive and wonderful and if I don't tell them anything then they're like thinking other things and freaking out at me and so then I tell them what's really going on and they're like oh my God this is so horrible and I can't help you I'm sorry and then they run away and I'm like I didn't fucking ask for your help and you know the person I'm referencing is stuffy and I was supposed to talk to her today or tomorrow and she Completely flaked on me again and I am so tired of her bullshit because she's so desperately depressed and having such a miserable life yet her husband is a fucking billionaire she can go anywhere she wants to Japan just because for 2 weeks for her birthday and now she's back in Louisiana and just doing whatever she wants she has more money than God she can do what she wants and she's miserable and I want to choke her sometimes because like bitch you're not happy go fucking buy something to give you some endorphins for a little while and then resell it when you're done or something like Does your life have to be a perfectly manicured magazine do you have to be the Country Club trophy wife I mean all her husband really cares about is fucking her they've been married and divorced 5 times and he takes her back every time because she'll fuck him

I understand people I think they're fucking stupid I mean Jesus Christ

And no I don't really have anything positive to say because I don't see nor do I feel anything positive happening

[ivehadthatdream]

Since October 21st I've been having weird GI problems (that really most likely started like a year ago), and it's made me have nausea, bloating, general stomach upset, sharp pains in different areas of my abdomen, acid reflux and heartburn, weird bowel movements. It's been difficult :/ some days are better than others and my symptoms aren't as bad. I worked black friday and felt like I was floating and like I needed to sit down. My appetite had decreased too, but my B.E.D brain obviously still gets fixated on food for the dopamine hit, so there has been times where I continued to eat even though I could tell it was hurting my stomach. All of this is probably caused by the horrible binging I had been doing, and yet I still cant fully shake it :/ . It's triggering myself to want to start purging again, because for 1. I feel like if I never stopped purging to begin with then I could've avoided this year long binging battle. I wouldve been restricting much more too. And 2, there's times where I feel so sick and discomfort after eating too much, that I've had to basically "help" myself get it out. It takes me back to those feelings.

I feel like this could be from gallbladder issues, because I eat a lot of greasy foods :/ and my grandma had issues with hers when she was young. Maybe If I hadn't been binging on fatty foods then this couldve been avoided. Or maybe its pancreatitis and its from eating too many carbs since diabetes runs in my family.

My virgo rising ass is over analyzing all the reasons and stressing about it. I know its not helpful!

Of course I've been my doctor, well technically she's only a nurse practitioner, and she thought maybe h pylori or possibly gallbladder but she wasn't sure. She gave me some pills for it, I didn't notice much difference. A few weeks later I had an energy drink and it bloated me so badly that I could barely move, and I ended up going to the ER. And that doctor said they didnt see anything blockages, just stool and to have my doctor refer me to a specialist ...lmao. I wish they would've referred someone for me cus then maybe it would be going faster 🙄 I've been waiting on an update for my referral for 2 weeks now?? I wanna say?? The ER doc didn't seem worried about what was happening, and he said something like " i mean if you're still concerned we can get you an ultrasound for the gallbladder but you're looking at being here about 6-7 more hours" and we had already been there for 6 hours already. And there were other things that happened while I was at that hospital that rubbed me the wrong way, and I was just exhuasted and annoyed and wanted to leave. The doctor wrote on my papers that I refused an ultrasound!! Of course so they don't get sued in case something serious is wrong with me.

Idk if it's H. Pylori because no one has tested me for it. I've been looking into SIBO which is apparently common in people who have had restrictive EDs but I'm not sure, or maybe thyroid issues since that can cause stomach problems?. And as mentioned already, maybe it's gallbladder or a pancreas problem? Idk!! I just wanna know what it is so I can get better

At least my bloating has went down the past few days so I'm happy about that

[stormyoceans]

oh, my dear Monica, you grew on me so much, i check your blog at least once a day to see if you updated, answered asks or reblogged something with tags. I'm glad my message made you feeling cared for and made you smile 💛💜 I'm very very glad. you know, right now I'm not doing well. my family is falling apart because my parents can't decide if they want a divorce or nah (I'm feeling so silly that I, 26 years adult, worry about it. but i live with them and they treated me not badly. of course I'm worrying for them. but still.), my work is shitty and I'm payed not much (but there's a lot less work than it used to be. and i have good colleagues. i feel like i don't have the right to complain about it because at least i have work and getting some money. but. but.), my sleep became much lighter and now i woke up from smallest noise(and my parents make a lot of noise when they argue) and it's so exhausting. i got sick (I'm sure it's because of my not good sleep and constant stress). i stopped responding to messages from everyone just because i feel so isolated in my mind and i just don't. know. what. to. do. with my life. sure, get out of your parent's house, find a new job and seek a psychologist's help but I'm feeling exhausted just from thinking about it. I'm telling you all this because i want you to know that i was reeeeally glad when you said you felt loved. your answer made me smile too. and when you wished me all the kind things in the tags I was feeling very touched. thank you for being so kind and lovely. wish i could go for a walk with you and blabber about fandoms and weather and sit with you on seaside (💙) and just look into the distance and put my head on your shoulder hszxjjh if you wouldn't mind of course. hope your boss will be reasonable and will let you have your well deserved rest. I wish you the best 💛

i would absolutely love to go for a walk by the sea and talk with you about everything, anon, and please know that my shoulder is always here for you to rest on, even if it's just on the spiritual plane. im really glad if my silly little blog can make you smile and give you some kind of comfort 💜💜

im so sorry you're going through such a hard time. for what it's worth, i think that it's completely understandable to worry about your parents and feel bad when they fight. just because you're an adult it doesn't mean that it's any easier to deal with something like this. on the contrary, you are actually aware of the situation and of what it implies in a way that children simply can't be, so if anything it can be even harder for you to carry all this weight now. i also think we all have a little right to complain. like, yeah, there are always gonna be people who have it worse than us, just like there are always gonna be people who have it better than us, our feelings are still valid, our struggles are still real

all this to say that i really hope you're gonna be able to prioritize yourself and your well-being, which sure, in the long run it does probably mean move out, find a new job and talk with a therapist, but the small every day things count too, and before you can focus on the big changes you have to take care of yourself in any little way you can. i feel like im not in a place where i can give you advice but i wish you'll be able to eat well, drink enough water and find something to smile about every day. maybe you can also try to talk to your parents about their arguments affecting your sleep so you can get some good rest

also i know it's hard since i tend to isolate myself as well when im not doing okay, but reaching out to people is very important because we can't carry everything by ourselves. if it's easier talking to me rn rather than someone you know in rl, then please know that im here for you, whether if it's to lend you an ear or scream about fandom stuff or offer some comfort. im holding your hand tight and sending you all the love 💜💜