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knightyoomyoui · 6 months ago

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Jihyo x M/F Reader - "Just A Feeling"

This book makes a return today! For this oneshot, I'm sorry if this one may be complicated to read since I didn't make any outline for it and kind of... weird to read too, especially for female readers out there. This one is actually intended to be only for male readers because I think the plot of this suits them better since the story came from my perspective as a guy and from a real-life experience I'm currently going through. Don't worry though, I still tried my best to make this applicable to everybody since I made some changes to make it gender neutral, plus there's opinions from some various featured female K-Pop idols as my characters that portray my real-life classmates here, which female readers might relate to. So yeah, basically what you're about to read here is based on a true story (except starting from the climax until the end, which I just made up from my imagination since I haven't confessed yet lol.) about my huge crush with this one genuine girl from our class. And oh, I've said it already that it's not gonna be a fluff right? It's not gonna be a tearjerker though but for the softies there, this might hurt. Don't worry though, I'm going to write a one-shot special on weekend that relies more on fluff. Finally saw something that inspired me to write, that's why. Heh.

I was eating in our cafeteria along with my circle of friends in our room, talking about—well, guess what—sex education. We were trying our best to remain open-minded about the topic. Honestly, I don’t even have any idea why we would insert this topic to arrange a conversation in the middle of the public.

I know that these things should be taken seriously because they provide knowledge on how to establish a healthy sexual life in the future, but I just couldn’t help but feel a bit ashamed. Well, I wouldn’t be if only these girls would just lower their mouths whenever they'd ask or mention a term, especially when it’s too silly to hear.

I was afraid that others might hear us and lose appetite because of what we were discussing. I already made my move, providing a question pertaining to my curiosity and thankfully they answered me with the expected answer I wanted to know. That’s why I moved my head and roamed my eyes around to distract myself away from them since I don’t really find their current discussion interesting to me.

Looking around, there are many students along with us doing their own business mindfully. Eating together or alone in their respective spots and typing on the computer or writing notes as they review for their subject while on a break. Each was from different courses and grade levels, and of course we wouldn’t be the exception.

Some of our classmates too were on the another table, with them being formed together into their own circle they belong in. That is, until my eyes landed on her again as I check upon them. The girl with sharp jawline, boyish wild haircut, adorable with a touch of chic aura in her visual, and those big eyes I couldn’t avoid but to get sucked in whenever I get to be in contact with those shimmering pairs of hers.

The name of the girl I’m describing with much creativity and detail is Park Jihyo. She’s currently one of our brightest students in our class. If I’ll compare myself to her, well my intelligence is pretty below average and subpar to her attributes.

Whenever I glanced at her, I couldn’t help but pause and take a short time to admire what my sight was displaying for me. Just like today, she has that serious expression that I find both intimidating and… hot? Yeah, yeah, fine, you got me. I do think of her sometimes as a dominant or possessive girlfriend who loves to claim and tease, and I do get a bit intense and aroused just by thinking about it, especially when it fits her a lot along with her lean figure.

Damn it, you wouldn’t blame me. She literally is the embodiment of a girl crush that others would kneel on their knees for her. I may have not saw somebody like that, but oh I can’t just deny those words I’ve heard from the girls and guys on my room simping for her.

Setting aside to those qualities, I’ll make it plain and simple that she’s that beautiful in my eyes. I don’t care if I’m falling in love to a boisterous and fiery tomboy like Jihyo. Deep inside of that cool and boyish appearance of hers, I couldn’t count how many times I’ve encountered that soft girly demeanor she was hiding. That time when she squealed and raised both her fists in the air while looking appalled as the volleyball almost hit her face during our class in physical education would be my favorite.

She smiled again and laughed at whatever they were talking about, which is effectively contagious. She has that much effect on me already. Whenever her mood is, will be the same as mine. Guess I could say that’s how I could tell that I’m highly attached on her now.

I was so busy complimenting and being in awe of her that I almost responded too late when I saw Jihyo start to move her eyes around, and she went in the direction I was in. Just a little angle she shifted, and she would’ve caught my eyes staring at her, looking like it was attempting to hallucinate and connect to mine too.

But I was too weak for that, as always. I’m always weak for her. I pretend I didn’t just went to their side and busy admiring her as I returned to my friend’s discussion while my peripheral vision has unknown whether she felt like someone was stalking at her or as usual, nothing.

2 days later, we were waiting for the Calculus class to end because our professor has left us for some numerous problems to solve on the board and use it as an advantage to increase our points in recitation. He definitely might’ve went again to the mall and go eat samgyupsal again with his officemates at the faculty room that’s why we know we already have the freedom to be noisy and indulge on those differential equation as much as we want.

Our professor is busy grilling meat and stuffing wagyu meat in his mouth while us as his students were busy grilling our minds and stuffing numbers across the board.

While I was confidently sitting on my chair just watching my classmates go berserk on dribbling equations of their own since I already had my turn to have a recitation point, my female classmate named Miyeon invited me for a chat with her because mainly she’s bored.

We did chatter for any laughable random topics for like 10 minutes until I heard her enter a question that had me locked in on my seat.

“Say, YN. I noticed that you had shared so many sad posts about romance these days on Facebook. Are you heartbroken?” She asked me.

“Uhh… that? W-well, I just like those kind of posts. Nothing much.” I smiled fakely at her.

“You sure?” She stared at me. I just nodded and awkwardly removed my gaze at her as I act like I was trying to keep myself busy on my notes.

“You have a crush on someone, don’t you?”

I slowly turned around and my stupid self chose to rose my brows making myself shocked rather than meeting itself and show some confusion. Now I’m busted.

“H-how can you say so?”

“Wouldn’t most of the people around social media does that whenever they admire somebody and they just left to be… unwanted back?” She shared. “I’ve been through that, that’s why I know.”

I remained silent as I sighed. I glanced at Jihyo again, she was being recorded now by one of our close friends in the room as she explains the solution she wrote on the board. That’s what our professor instructed us to do so that he can acknowledge our points, is to sent him our video that we’re tackling about the equation we answered.

“There is, huh.” She confirmed. I was being too obvious already so with defeat, I just let her expose me more. “She’s in our class isn’t it?”

My eyes widened. My body trembled as she already made another guess but a more accurate one this time. Miyeon seems to be an observative type of person, and more untrained and horrible attempts of pretending that I contradict her guesses would just make me look dumber in front of her.

I sighed and chuckled at myself from getting caught. “Yeah. She is.”

“Woah!” She exclaimed. “So YN here also has a crush of his/her own here huh!” She teased me as she referred to me being another addition to those established “couples” in our room. Most of them were now officially together and others, well I don’t know but mostly I’ve learned these days that they already confessed and sadly, they were rejected but still remains to be a tough lover for them.

“Who’s your crush then?” I shushed her with my gesture, as there’s our classmates still sitting in front of us and they might hear us. I don’t want tk get humiliated more just by being put into a hot seat getting confronted who’s the girl i’m into these days.

“D-do you want me to give you a clue?” I asked, I wanted to play a game with her first she already caught me easily, now I want to test her this time.

“Oh sure, what is it?”

“Okay, hmm….” I hummed but I didn’t think that much because i already knew what I would give to her. “She’s a person.”

“Luh.” She reacted and whined. “Cmon, be serious!”

I just laughed at her befuddled response and think again, with all seriousness this time. “Okay, fine. She’s a social butterfly.”

“Ooohhh social butterfly…” Miyeon started to think. “There’s so many classmates of ours that are giddy to get close with others. Is it Jiyeon?”

“Nope. 19 left.” I said, crossing out one from the list of number of girls in our room.

“Aaaahhhh!” She screamed but jokingly, already panicking at just one guess. “Whooo?”

“Try more!”

“Aish, is it Julie?”

“Nope.”

“Ehhh?” She scratched her nape. “Next clue!”

“Okay fine, I’ll give you just three okay?” She nodded and readjusted her posture on her seat, she seemed very invested on knowing who my crush is. “The second one is… she’s smart.”

“Smart…” she began thinking again. “But most of us here are very good at anything.”

I smirked, feeling satisfied that I gave a mysterious clue for her more. “Is it Mina?”

“Nah.” I shook my head, but I admit in my thoughts that i almost fell for Mina once like back when we were freshman.

“Danielle?!” Miyeon’s eyes brightened as she thought she finally achieved the right answer. I shook my head and gave her an apologetic look, which shuts off the spark in her eyes instantly.

Miyeon pouted and lets out an even struggling look at me. “I’m starting to run out of ideas!”

“Miyeon you’ve only told me like… 5 of our classmates so far.”

“Fire the last clue!”

“Okay. The last one is that… you probably won’t expect her to be my crush.”

Her eyebrows lifted and hummed fascinatingly at me. “That just made things interesting. Won’t expect to be your crush? So it means it’s not actually your type but you just seem to get a liking on that person?”

“Hmm maybe?”

“Wait…” she paused that lasted a little bit longer than just few seconds. Her head raised and I wondered why her eyes softened as she slowly looked at me and pushed her head closer.

“What? You got the answer now?”

“YN… is it me?” Miyeon asked. She was staring at me with pure seriousness and jaw hanging slightly in surprise. I gasped as I was shocked at her answer. I know that she’s one of the girls around who is also pretty but still I didn’t expect that it really came out of her mouth, that she also considered herself too.

“N-no! It’s not you and Miyeon, you already have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah.” She agreed, understandably took my reason well. “But… it’s just a crush though, so…”

“Still no. I don’t fall in love to women who are already taken. I respect relationships and I don’t want to create conflicts for other people. Although, I admit that you’re beautiful.” I smiled at her. She returned the same and pushed my shoulder. “Wow, just like that huh?”

“I don’t know, you sound like you were urging me to say something nice to you atleast.”

“I wasn’t! B-but that doesn’t mean I won’t take your compliment at me.” She giggled. “Anyways, I pass. Cmon tell me who it is!”

I exhaled. To be fair, I wasn’t really up for sharing this with anybody. It’s not that I don’t want anybody to know because I don’t trust them, but I’m doing this rather to avoid the possibility that she may learn more about what I really feel for her from other people. I just want to be a complete secret admirer of her.

However, since I was already cornered by Miyeon, it seems like my plans have to undergo some changes. I feel a bit of pity for this girl because she has shared some of her stories with me, and I listened and kept them all to myself, just like she wanted to. Thatimplies that she views me as someone she can trust.

That’s why I felt obligated that I had to treat her in the same manner. I mean, Miyeon is one of the girls in our class that I find really pure and mature and who knows how to blend well when having fun with other people.

“Fine. You know I never really intended to tell this to others because for some reasons, I don’t want anybody to tease me, accidentally become obvious, or make others bother with what I’m facing at right now… but I do trust you Miyeon, you know that. And please let’s keep it to ourselves okay?”

“Oh don’t worry about me.” Miyeon then bounced on her seat with a large grin. “I’m so excited to know!”

“W-well… the girl that I’m-”

“What are you two up to?” My other classmate interrupted our conversation, looking at us as she twirled her body on the chair to go back and forth at us. I was surprised that we’re like able to be caught despite our distances being one vacant row from each other. Our voices aren’t even that loud.

Miyeon and I exchanged glances and she was controlling her laughter as she saw me looking nervous. “W-we’re just playing a game! He’s trying to make me identify who is-”

“Aahhhh wait, I think I know what you two are talking about.” Her eyes then shrinked and it went towards me who is blushing. She smirked and find my current state hilarious. “I’ve been seeing something about this one eh. I think I know who may that be.”

Both Miyeon and I were eager to know, especially me who is heavily related to the one she was talking about. About our conversation with Miyeon, she finally learn who that is and she was amused to know that she agrees at the clues I gave to her. She really didn’t expected that I’ll be admiring somebody like Jihyo and commented that it wasn’t visible to me all these time. She couldn’t blame me though for having a crush with Jihyo, as she revealed that she’s bisexual and she once had a crush on her too before she met her boyfriend.

Meanwhile, about our other classmate who is holding a thought that shares my secret. I wanted to know about it. Thankfully, both of us were walking home together since Nako which is her name, lives almost close to our neighborhood.

We were riding on a bus and we talked about what she said earlier. I had no choice but to reveal to her since I already did it to Miyeon and it’s going to be unfair if I don’t do it for her too. She might feel offended that I rather not to disclose it to her.

She learned and she laughed so hard that she was actually right which had me speechless. She found it interesting too just like Miyeon that I got to be in love with someone like Jihyo. Me on the other hand, has a huge “How?” question displayed on my head.

She only replied that it’s her guts that is telling her and even her didn’t expected that she would got it correct. What she said though did had me find it difficult to maintain my smile. “But really, for me I don’t see Jihyo being attracted to a guy/girl. It’s more possible that she’s rather into girls because of her looks, but she did told me one time what does she think of her gender and she only told me that it’s complicated. Will it still going to be okay for you knowing that your rivals when it comes to her were all female/male?”

She shared to me her observation and I got it immediately what her basis for that. I suddenly had Jihyo on my mind along with her tomboy look that can make girls crazy and gay for her. “I don’t know, I don’t mind it that much. They can all admire her for whatever they want. What matters to me more is Jihyo. Only her.” I just said nonchalantly to her, which she find a bit suspicious why I care less about it.

Whether by coincidence or not, more and more days have passed, and my other classmates that I’m close with are all girls. Have I mentioned that I’m comfortable and easy to befriend with girls rather than guys? I never had a sister in my life; that’s why I view them as my sister-like figures, but still, I know how to set my boundaries with them due to society’s common stereotype of seeing two opposite genders together.

They all also began to know my adoration for Jihyo, and they are either secretive or teaseful about it, and I find myself on the brink of danger whenever they do that on occasions that me and Jihyo would have an interaction together. Some examples I can give are when I, along with Nako and her, were discussing our anticipation of attending the concert of our favorite K-pop group this coming week.

I was expressing my loneliness to them rather because I wasn’t entirely sure if my parents would allow me to attend such a huge event like that and for me also to travel to a place that is very far away from our city. I was about to give up my hopes until a certain person simply boosted my faith again and not wanting to let me go that easily.

“You should go to that concert, YN! It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, you should not waste it!”

Jihyo spoke to me and she gave me that hopefulness and positivity. She knew I might need it for her and if that so then she’s damn right. I couldn’t ask for anything more than to hear a support and concern than from her.

And later that night, I tried to ask my parents about it, and shockingly, they allowed me to, as long as I had someone with me. Nako joined me, while Jihyo went with her sister. I got a little excited, thinking I was going to be with her too, but that’s just fine. At least, I still got some heart-bursting interaction with her on social media when we both exchanged heart reactions on our posts about our experience at the concert.

Another time I could give that one of the best things I would want to just happen forever in my life was when I got unexpectedly sick in the school, and what’s even more suck about the timing is that we were rehearsing for our roleplay performance in just 3 days.

Our director set me aside for now and gave me a time to recover but ofcourse the worry of me not being able to make it to the deadline struck a fear on him. I just lay down on one of the benches with all of my classmate’s bags around me. I tried to sleep but the pain in my head just won’t let me go in peace.

I was about to go to the clinic with no other option in mind because I didn’t actually want to go there because, um, yeah, call me a scaredy cat, but I’ve heard many times from some of the students, including my classmates, that our school nurse is a terror. She’s so strict that there’s no doubt that once she finds me, my temperature will be high. Since the pandemic happened, these medical professionals have been very careful for the past few years.

One positive detection and surely I’m gone for today. I just sighed defeatedly because I wanted to practice today and to see her ofcourse. I sat up and gave myself time to prepare myself as I might feel dizzy standing up, but then I heard some footsteps and felt arms wrapped around me.

“J-jihyo?” I exclaimed weakly. She must’ve felt my body trembled in shock as I found her beside me. She just looked at me and tightlipped.

“You’re going to the clinic now?”

“Yeah. I have to.”

“You can’t do it by yourself. Look how weak you look. Cmon, I’ll join you on your way there.”

“Y-you sure? B-but they might look for you and-

“I just finished rehearsing my part. My next one is three acts after, so they wouldn’t mind.” Jihyo said. “But it’s up to you, can you do it by yourself?”

“Actually, I really didn’t want to go home yet.” I said with sincerity of sadness on my voice.

“I know, but you have to.” Jihyo said to me. “Let’s go.”

We started walking, and I gave one last look at my classmates. I caught Miyeon, who saw me with Jihyo smiling at us, and I knew what that meant. We went together to the clinic, and I feel embarrassed that I had to make a girl wait for me outside, even though she didn’t mind me that much. The nurse wasn’t even that scary; she was rather strict, but in the sense that she’s doing it because she cares for the students’ health.

She found my fever weird because… hmm how can I say this, well it’s like my temperature risen due to hunger, dehydration and possibly some changes of temperature also to the places I’ve been at since she discovered that I don’t actually feel dizzy or aching on my head.

That’s why due to my determination to remain here, she dared me to atleast decrease my temperature by having a meal and lots of water on the canteen or else she’ll have to excuse me to my instructor.

I went out of the clinic, accepting the challenge and Jihyo was just there sitting and using her cellphone. She felt my presence reappeared and she greeted me. “How’s there?”

I repeated what the nurse told me. “Come on, let’s eat at the canteen first if that so.”

“Yeah.”

“My treat.”

“Wait, what?”

We stopped walking. “Why? What’s the problem?”

“N-nothing, I just… didn’t expect it.”

“Just don’t do anything for now. Since I accompanied you, let me just be like that today before we get back there.”

In my surprise, Jihyo wrapped her arm around my shoulders, giving me that bro-cuddle. I felt super shy and almost going to melt because of the skinship she’s doing to me. It’s ironic how her touch can beat the warm temperature running across my body.

She was the one who bought our food and drinks together and she returned to our place with it. We just took our meal quietly then short talks about our interests again, but it was still enough for me. I give some sneak glances at Jihyo on my side, observing her sipping that iced coffee while she busily scrolls down on her phone.

My body suddenly felt lighter and numb, I think my sickness didn’t even exist to worry myself as I was just busy admiring her all over again. Not gonna lie, this just had me spawning another idea to imagine being with her more. A date with her is something I’d definitely would love to have someday with her.

But again, I knew I have no chance.

The deadline came and we were going back to the clinic, but just then Jihyo offered me something. It’s a medicine on the palm of her hand.

“Take this, it’ll help more.”

“Jihyo, you might need it once you-”

“But I don’t have one and you are, that’s why you need it more than me.” Jihyo rejected. “Just take it.”

I didn’t object anymore and took it at ease from her. “Thanks, Jihyo.”

“No prob, now get in there and hopefully you’re fine now. I mean, you’re kinda sweating now too so yeah maybe you really needed some rest.” She said as she poked at my arm.

I nodded and I entered with confidence, I know that Jihyo helped me a lot today. Fortunately, we were right. My temperature returned to normal still very close on reaching that low fever. I exit and immediately thanked Jihyo again which she returned with her gummy smile that I always loved seeing from her.

It was our classmates’ break too from the rehearsal and they saw us together rejoining them. As usual, Nako and Miyeon were the ones leading the group of people who knows my crush for Jihyo and they teased me about it.

And speaking of group of people who knows about my love secret, a new one has been added. It happened through our chat in Instagram when somebody replied in my story featuring a movie quote about loving someone but being aware of the consequences which makes you rather think twice on pushing yourself to chase for her feelings.

That person is the guy Jihyo is mostly close with in our classroom. They are both smart, but this one is smarter and they get along easily because they share the same humor. He replied to me saying “Who is that girl huh?”

I didn’t tell him yet. We went for some few talks until I recalled our time on the mall earlier with our other classmates. “Hey, I hope you don’t mind joining your circle like earlier. Maybe you guys might find having me uncomfortable, I just wanted to keep my closeness with you guys as my classmates.”

“We’re cool, YN. Actually I like it even more that you’re trying.” He said. “However, I do seem it doesn’t apply for somebody.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think out of everyone we were with at the mall earlier, I didn’t even saw you like interact or go near at Jihyo.” He said. I almost dropped my phone in disbelief. He did noticed me being shy around Jihyo. Sensing that he’ll end up as one of them who is about to find out soon, I didn’t wait for it anymore and after some few hesitation, I made up my mind to do what I have to do. “Did you two had a fight or something?”

“Ahh, that?” I said. “Well actually there’s another reason why you guys might find me sticking along to your circle more.”

He reacted a wow emoji on my message. My heartbeat racing as I typed the letters of her name on the keyboard. After i sent it, I waited for his reaction and what had me was his long laughter.

“Ahhhh so that’s why!” I can hear his annoying laugh behind the phone. My head just bent in shame and laughed poorly at my idiotic self. I don’t know if revealing my crush for Jihyo is even a good or a bad idea to do it with this guy.

“So yeah, I said it to you now. And I did it because I trust you so please, don’t let her know. She doesn’t need to.” I pleaded to him.

“Faggot, don’t.” He then continued with another laughter. Now I just want to rub my face on the table. “Good luck tomorrow, I’m going to tease you a lot from now on.”

I knew it would happen. I gulped nervously and chuckled again imagining what would I expect starting tomorrow if things will go in a chaotic change for me now that people are starting to recognize me because of being an admirer to our fellow classmate.

I prepared myself before going to the campus. As I arrived there, Sehun, which is his name, immediately laughed at me as I approach them who are waiting for our professor to arrive since the classroom is still locked. I just laughed back and whined at him to stop doing it frequently or else Jihyo might find it suspicious and it may attract her attention.

Thankfully, he did listened. He was just like doing it in a manner that he tries his best to insert a joke referring to me but Jihyo and the rest won’t notice. Before we went home as our classes for today ended, he gave me a short advice that began to repeat for the few days to come or whenever we get to talk together.

“Make a move already.” He said. “Do it. She’s easy to get along with. Don’t be nervous.”

I know to myself that I’m trying, but I’m not doing that to impress myself. I stand at my reason still why I don’t have any plans to make an action on how to make her mine. He did say it with the same idea I was thinking for the past few months since I started to develop an attraction to Jihyo, so I just listened to him while keeping my feelings behind me.

But again, being the dorky admirer that I am, I find it difficult to do whenever my feet would bring me closer to me or when I’m standing next to her. I couldn’t acknowledge her presence in ease. It was stressful, and it raises my belief that I am indeed a hopeless romantic.

It continued for few months that my classmates would also ran out of energy to disturb me with their playful gestures on leading me to Jihyo. They slowly didn’t cared at all and it was kind of relieving at least that’s going back to normal now that I can just move around without anybody noticing me. That didn’t last long though when I was walking home with my classmates and two of my other female classmates named Jeewon and Karina asked me randomly when Jihyo got mentioned in our topic.

“You still have feelings for her?” Jeewon asked me.

“Yeah.” I admitted.

“How long do you have a crush on her?”

I remembered the date today and that exact date when I proclaimed myself that I am indeed catching feelings for Jihyo. “Almost a year now.”

Both of them woah-ed. Karina took the turn to ask me. “Why aren’t you doing anything yet? You’re almost reaching a year, that’s long enough already.”

I sighed and slumped my shoulders. “It doesn’t matter. I believe its better if she must not know. I don’t want her to end up with me anyway.” I said weakly as my mind replayed that time when I talked with my other classmate named Lia who lives at the direction where my home leads at, stating that she learned that Jihyo doesn’t have any interest on this love thingie and she prioritize her studies first. She didn’t deny the part though that she already had an experience of being in love with somebody. Based on her report, they almost became a couple back when they were in senior high school but sadly, it didn’t happened for unknown reason.

Jeewon and Karina aww-ed in pity for me being a fallen soldier who still remains loyal fo a girl who will never be aware of my feelings and be mine. They just expressed their opinion that a year or more might just be wasted and more painful to see somebody I’m loyal with get to be rather with someone else. That’s why they still wanted to push me to try atleast.

I just kept it in mind but I haven’t considered it yet. I did have another reason with me that i didn’t shared to them which added to my reasons why I should remain on the shadows. I recalled from my chat with Lia that she has speculations to her ex-boyfriend, which is Sehun that he is interested with Jihyo too.

She even enumerated to me her evidences she observed which became a reminiscence to the things Sehun once did for her when he was courting her.

“First, you see how he always places himself next to Jihyo. Second, he was frequently escorting her with his motorcycle, to take her home or go to somewhere else. He did that to me once, and that’s when he found out where I live in and now for sure he knows where Jihyo’s home too. Lastly, he can just easily get access on her things without a permission. He even carries her bag for himself!

Don’t you think those were still nothing for him? I’m telling you, he’s chasing for Jihyo’s feelings just like how he did to me and what makes me afraid is that he might also waste her heart just like how I ended up into. He’s a player!” She said with all frustrations and I calmed her down. It threw me back to my conversations with Sehun and that advice he gave me which he always say in repeat that I should “Make a move already”.

At first it was just a simple encouragement to me but now after hearing what Lia said, I felt like it was rather a challenge sent to me. That I should do something now or else he’ll be the one who’s gonna win in the end.

Well, for my response? I don’t even care. Let him have her if he wants. If there’s some sort a miracle that it happens, I swear to God that I hope he won’t hurt Jihyo or else,I may reconsider and I’ll be there in no time.

Speaking or miracle, the reason I said it like that is because Lia and I share the same idea: “Pfft he wouldn’t have a chance with her.” Lia said in a mocking tone. “Jihyo doesn’t want to get involved with such guys like him. He may be great at words but internally? He’s immature, way apart to Jihyo.”

“Hmmm so that’s why I’m getting a weird feeling whenever I see them together” I revealed that I actually do get jealous whenever I see them close. At the bench where they review together with their circle, At the canteen where they eat and laugh together. And… yeah when he instructed Jihyo to hug him when they were riding on his motorcycle.

I just tried to hide my face contorting as my heart swells in pain seeing them like that. I was gaslighting myself that maybe it was nothing and they’re close friends that’s why. Jihyo met Sehun early when we became freshman that’s why them being close isn’t surprising anymore.

Until Lia came to dispose those lies I’ve been saying to myself. “See! Even you can see it from them. Trust me, YN. Sehun is making a move on Jihyo. I was his ex, I know him better when he acts for love.”

A month later, those all allegations and rumors we have for Sehun along with my other friend and former classmate who shifted to another course named Arin who also told me that she caught Sehun with another girl eating together and drive away on his motorcycle near at their neighorhood. Arin was living near to Sehun’s house that’s why. Arin even added that when her eyes met against Sehun’s it looked like he caught in the act and just quickly greeted at her back before they left.

Unfortunately, Arin didn’t recognize the girl but she did told me that she was wearing a uniform that is not from our campus, planting a seed that the girl is from another campus that he is also close with.

Going back to what I was saying, those all rumors were ended and disposed away when one day, me and Sehun are sitting next to each other at our subject about Psychology since our surnames’ initials are right next to each other, with mine before his.

While we wait for our instructor, he pulls out his phone and typed something before he poked me and made me look at it. I looked at the message he sent, I read it and it says:

“You’re in danger, YN.”

I furrowed my brows at him. “Danger? For what?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Boss is starting to speculate you.”

My eyes widened and my chest felt heavy immediately. His laugh got a bit louder but he stopped and typed again on his phone.

“Seriously? I-I mean, I’m not shocked since I knew it’s gonna happen. Secrets are meant to be unveiled-” I was just spitting nonsense now at this point, while I am heavily confused that she finally does began to notice me.

He presented his phone again. This time it says:

“Make a move already. Sungbin is almost at the end.” My brows deepened. Who the hell is Sungbin? I then asked it to him along with the question how did Jihyo suspected me, but instead he just said he will say about it more later.

That son of a bitch though left me hanging and getting eaten alive with all my curiosities for an entire day until I had enough waiting and I chatted him repeatedly about it while clearing up any misunderstandings that I’m not even expecting a lot or whatever. He finally responded and this is what he replied to me.

“Yup she shared it to me like, out of nowhere- she just asked. This is not what happened specifically, huh. This is just too long to read.

For her sake and yours. I don’t want to become your “middle man” even though you both are very distant to each other, got it?

After she approached me, she asked who do you like then ofcourse since you said before that you don’t want me to say it plus it’s not really my business so I just didn’t answered her.

But it looks like she didn’t really wanted to ask it then, I guess she got tired of waiting (just like you right now.) She then asked me directly if “Am I the one that YN likes?” and there, still with respect for you… I didn’t answered her. Not my story to tell.

But overall, just chill. No need to approach her about it anyway. Plus I don’t want to get involved if ever like “Sehun was the one who said it to you, doesn’t he?” Pass. I don’t want to get in trouble. There, make your move or don’t. It’s up to you. She's not thinking about it like actively, don’t worry. Maybe it just crossed her mind that time. So yeah, that’s your too long to read. Ciao.”

I thanked him and felt touched that he really did listen after all this time, and he became a man of his word for it. It’s still unknown though if he also harbored a crush on Jihyo, but during that time I did kind of notice that he wasn’t getting that much into contact with her that I might find jealous of. Maybe he gave up shortly and is now focusing on somebody else.

I learned afterwards that this is not the time that Jihyo starts to investigate her possible secret admirer, aka me. I confirmed from some of my classmates that Jihyo also asked them about it, and they also lied about it. I also feel like Jihyo is now also hiding a secret from me, as I found her following me whenever I take a spot somewhere else around the campus, yet still minus the talking.

I got nervous at the idea that maybe she’s testing or examining my antics if she can consider it that yeah I am getting shy around her because she’s my crush afterall. Realizing that she must have known now, I’m stuck if i really have to do it as there’s no more sense anymore if I have to continue being like this way.

I then hold on for few days until the time has come. I don’t know if this is such a huge coincidence or my classmates are pulling a prank on me. I did contacted them to confirm the location of our group study and the time which I quickly prepped up to head there.

But as I arrived there, I found Jihyo who is sitting alone and using her cellphone. It’s early in the morning and there’s not much students scattered around. It’s very quiet and peaceful but deep inside of me I feel like my emotions are going into war not knowing what I should do.

There’s no way out for me as I cannot leave anymore and Jihyo immediately saw me after she looked away at her phone. I had no choice but to come near at her while I try my best to compose myself. “Good morning.” She greeted me and I did the same.

“They’re still not here? I thought I’m already late that’s why I quickly went here.” I said, acting nonchalant and a bit confused.

“Same too. But since we’re here, let’s just wait for them.” I nodded and I instantly grabbed my things and took them out. From my peripheral vision, my senses are telling me that Jihyo is still observing me.

I don’t want to be weird so I silently plead that she stop, but as longer as we continue to be like this, I then realized that it was actually Jihyo who is becoming awkward between us. My patience couldn’t hold anymore as I see her blank face, I closed my notes and sighed heavily before I spoke the words I’ve never wanted to say.

“This is exactly what I’m talking about.” I said. Jihyo didn’t moved and stared at me, wondering what I’m talking about, so I proceeded with my words. “Making you uncomfortable and unhappy being around me, and it scares me. That’s what I’m being so hesitant for.”

I lowered my head, avoiding her gaze at me. What she said after made me lift up and put my attention to her as this is now something both she and I must discuss sincerely.

“So it’s me.” She finally comprehended what I’m trying the say.

“Always has been, Jihyo.” I confirmed, officially marking my confession to her and shattering my more than a year-length of being her secret admirer.

“And I just want to tell you right ahead that i’m very sorry.” I continued my heartfelt speech, wanting to make every thing clear for Jihyo. “We both know we ain’t that close or I don’t know, even be called as friends to have a normal conversation like this, and it’s my fault. It’s because of this deep infatuation- no screw that, I know for myself that this is indeed love I’ve been having on you that makes me act very awkward around you and trust me, I’m trying very very hard but I just cannot help it.”

“I do notice that I’m like the only one that you don’t get to interact with in the class.” Jihyo said. “Hearing that from you more, it did kind of hurt a litlle bit, you know. Seeing our classmates happy and comfortable talking with you, but I can’t have it the same as them. It did made me worried if I even did something bad to you. W-why does it have to be different when it comes to me?”

I frowned and took all of her rants with guilt. “I thought it was like that, but now I would just found out that’s all because you just… love me that much that you had to act like I’m non-existent?”

“I’m really sorry, Jihyo.” I muttered. “I have my reasons but it’s too many to say.”

“Then atleast enlighten me why do you have to set yourself away?”

“My fears and insecurities are not allowing me to, Jihyo.” My breathing is starting to get heavy as I sense the rising intensity of our confrontation. Jihyo was staring at me, puzzled. “It’s hard to escape. I’m scared that if you once knew, you will just ignore me because of it. That’s why I think not being close with you is much better because atleast I… I have nothing to lose more from you.”

Jihyo gulped and her expression turned into concern. She was about to move towards me but she hold on as I soon followed up what did she got taken aback from. My eyes swelled and a thin cold path started to drew from my cheek, and that’s when I touched it, a teardrop had escaped to present how much I’m struggling with this feeling.

“W-why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you need to hurt yourself more because of me?” Jihyo adjusted herself closer to me. Our eyes still ain’t leaving our staredown at each other. It deeply feels like i’m under interrogation right now that I have to defend and tell my side with all honesty.

“It’s just a feeling that I have.” I shrugged. “That i’m not the example of an ideal guy you would like to be with. I’ll just ruin whoever you are and we’ll end up being torn. Now you know why I didn’t want to confess to you because I’m not desperate for you to answer me back and tell me that you love me too. Maybe it’s better if you don’t.”

I was about to wipe my tears with my spare cloth but I was prevented by Jihyo herself who touched my hand and grabbed the cloth instead. Astounded, she damped it around my face and wiped my tears away.

“YN, please you don’t have to be harsh at yourself.” Jihyo sharpened her voice. I shook my head and tried to remove her hand.

“Don’t worry, it’ll end soon, when the time comes that my heart decides to stop.”

“AND IF I TELL YOU NOT TO?!” Jihyo suddenly yelled in front of me, slamming her fist at my shoulder. My eyes widened at her outburst. I went speechless, oblivious at the fact that I’ve been pushing her buttons further the more she hears me blabbering poisonous words at myself.

Her question rather, sounded suspicious. She returned her glare at me and she reached for my hand laying on my lap.

“I’ve had enough of hearing you hate yourself this much, you may not be fit on some of the qualities I want to the type of person I dream to be together with but I didn’t find everything about you horrible!” Jihyo complained. “And I am willing to get to know more about your capabilities, my standards weren’t even that high to be reach. I feel like it’s not right for me to be like that. If you hate yourself, then what about me? I don’t even think that anybody would fall for me who doesn’t even act accordingly to the gender norms this society has dictated upon.”

“Then I’m not one of them.” I said with confidence. “Initially, I never wanted to be in love again. But then I saw you and more time has passed, I couldn’t determine at first what my heart find you qualified to make me fall for you.

One year ago, I began as your secret admirer observing you from a far, and that’s where I started picking it all up. Many will find you rather handsome or a less attractive because of your boyish cut, tough posture, and antics that doesn’t suit you. But to me, I see different.

You’re uniquely beautiful and cute on your own that I couldn’t stand not to glance at your face for a second. I see this smart and mature woman that you would respect and willing to listen to every words she says attentively. God, you don’t how many times I imagine having you near me all the time just doing every ideas I could think to make you know how I’m deeply in love with everything about you. Just to make you feel special.

Jihyo, I love you because of how your authenticity shines through.”

After I enumerated all the signs that I find captivating from Jihyo and from how she shifted her gloomy mood into an uplifted state, smiling at the compliments I showered over her. She bit her lip and sighed as she looked away, thinking of something else for a while.

Jihyo then brought back her gaze and roamed it all around the sight of myself in front of her. “I really appreciated it a lot, YN. It did sounded sincere.” She nodded in which I mirrorred her. “We really can be friends, but this silly crush is pulling both you and I from each other.”

“S-so, you don’t-”

“No, wait it’s not like that!” Jihyo stopped me as she probably noticed that I misintepreted her. “I mean… you’re a cool guy and can you please stop ignoring me anymore? I-It really hurts when you only do that to me among the rest.” She begged with her softened dismayed tone as she pouted at me. I couldn’t care less anymore if I look like a tomato at how red my cheeks or face would appear from her cuteness.

“I won’t, I promise.” I assured her.

She sighed in relief. “Finally.”

Both sides became silent for a second before Jihyo proceeded again. “About your confession, I won’t reject you for now, YN.”

My hopes and dreams reignited and altered again with that single sentence that she said. I gasped and became overwhelmed at her response that I always thought after all these time that she would just nevermind and won’t take it seriously. “Please understand that my focus for now are on our studies, and you should be as well. I would also like to advice you to take care of yourself and use all of these time I will give for you to improve yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. I don’t want to see you being like this anymore, okay?”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I nodded at her as I listened attentively to her favor.

“Can you wait for me? I mean… if you can’t, w-well… if your heart gets tired of me, y-you can find someone new-”

“And what if I won’t?”

Jihyo considered my interruption and added a new suggestion. “Then how about I’ll wait for you to come back and you must do the same for me?”

“Deal.” We shook hands to seal it. As we slowed down the pace, I let out my gratitude for her. “Thank you for hearing my confession to you, Jihyo. You don’t know how light I feel now after I finally lift off this huge baggage I’m carrying inside of me for spending the entirety of the year admiring you which I thought that would be impossible.”

Jihyo slapped my arm and grinned. “Tss, it’s nothing. I want to also say thank you for speaking up to me about what you really feel for me and I appreciate it a lot, YN. All you had to do is to open up. Sometimes you just have to face your fears.”

We both smiled at each other and then burst out laughing afterwards to avoid getting ourselves trapped again in awkwardness. “There they are on the gate, we should start reviewing now.”

Jihyo began pulling out her things out of her bag and we opened our notes and papers. At this moment, we officially had a mutual understanding to remain being friends for now while we wait for the future to bring what we will end up to be.

3 YEARS LATER

Me and Jihyo were still friends until our last year level… while we couldn’t deny that the signs are still there in present. Today is our graduation day and we both received our certificates, declaring our successfully conclusion of almost becoming an engineer one step away.

As everyone were finally got called on the stage, awarded, and delivered their speeches, we were all commanded to throw our hats to the air and celebrate for ourselves of reaching this far for the best of our careers.

I went to my family and welcomed their greetings to me. I couldn’t help but to be emotional seeing them enveloping me into their embrace. I owe it all to their hardwork and dedication. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here where they want me to be, and now me as well too. I’ll bring them with me as my start to build my life to its improvement.

After having my moment with them, now I went to search after to the only person that matters more to me than everybody else out there. I reached the center of the auditorium, it was empty, and my feet decelerated as I finally saw who I am looking for.

Jihyo was there, now in her new bobbed haircut, looking even more fantastic in her graduation gown. She was holding her award as mine and we faced each other from the distance in the middle of such crowded place. She smiled at me and I did the same for her.

I started walking to approach her and so did she. We stood face to face and we exchanged chuckles at one another.

“We did it.”

“Yeah. Can’t believe it as well.”

We stared at each other. I saw her smile slowly shrink from being proud to affectionate.

“YN… d-did you wait for me?”

“I… I did.” I nodded and smiled, although it’s hard as I knew what we’re about to discuss about.

“I’m sorry.” Jihyo said me and she couldn’t help but to cry for me. “I’m sorry if I couldn’t do the same.” I heaved out a long sigh as I try to mask my devastation.

“But you helped me in other way possible.” I comforted her, not wanting to see her drag herself down just because she failed to last long in the deal we made years ago. “You changed me for the better, Jihyo. Even though that I do admit that my heart is… shattered into pieces right now but that’s what doesn’t matter here.”

“I also give credit on you for what I am now today. I became the best version of myself just like you wanted me to be.” I smiled at him, despite my lips twitching in bittersweet. “I would’ve like it much to apply it on showing how I love you so much, that after all these years I remained loyal for you, I never gave up, Jihyo. I thought we’re gonna be something more in the end but… I was right all along.”

“The likes of us weren’t meant to be together. I have finally accepted that.” I nodded which urged my tears to fall more. “Despite in the way from our darkest days when you often refuse to run away just for the love you tried to save, that’s how it is. Some things cannot be saved when its destined to die.”

I looked at Jihyo and I swayed some of the hair blocking her mesmerizing beauty even with the ruined mascaras and smeared eyeliner.

“You probably even came to see me and hear me say I did too.” She said while she hiccuped on her sobs.

“No, I just came up to meet you to tell you how lovely you are today and…” I paused as I reached for the medal that is hanging around my neck. “W-will you please tell me this too for the last time? Have I made you proud too as well?” I asked her as I remember all of the times she makes me proud seeing her achieving all of those accomplishments she’s receiving because of her academic performance. That’s what motivated me to do better on my studies so that someday, I can make her be proud of me too.

“I know for sure I cheered the loudest I can get when I watch you grab that award, YN.” She nodded and smiled at me while sniffing her tears.

I feel contented at her answer. She immediately pulled me closer to her, my first and the warmest hug I ever shared with her. She cried aloud on my shoulder and I just hummed ay her as I try to comfort her as much as I can.

“Forgive me, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, YN. I wish I didn’t loved you for me to hurt you this badly.”

“I can’t hate you, Jihyo. You just discovered where your heart truly settles.” I said to her. “Don’t blame yourself now, please let’s just be happy for ourselves. Can you do it for me?”

“Y-yes…” I felt her head move around my hold. I knew she can hear my heart still beating loud for her. How I wish she still the same, but when I looked into her eyes, she’s not even there anymore.

I smiled at her, not minding what’s going on around us. I focused on Jihyo only, she’s the most important of them all as usual. It’s no denying that I gave her all I had and for sure I’m willing to repeat it.

“So this is what it feels like.” I lastly said before I broke the hug between us and exchanged congratulations for our success. I watched her return back to her place, to where she belongs. She reunited with her new boyfriend while I left as I finally lose control of my emotions. I cried out loud, defeated and disoriented.

I can’t believe that its over for the both of us.

#twice #twice au #twice fanfic #twice oneshot #kpop fanfic #kpop au #kpop oneshot #twice jihyo #park jihyo #jihyo x reader #jihyo x male reader #jihyo x female reader #twice x reader

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thelaurenshippen · 2 months ago

Note

How much of an impact has writing and consuming fanfiction had in your writing career?

I ask about fanfiction specifically because it's such an open communication sort of media, it's so easy for author and reader to interact. Do you think you'd write differently if you'd never been in the Fanfiction community? What do you think has carried over from those works and interactions into your current works?

ooh, such a fun question! I've never really thought about this before!

so I will admit, while I have been reading fanfiction since 2006, I never actually wrote fanfiction until 2018 (and then didn't share any of it until 2021). so I think those specific relationships affected my writing in very specific ways.

from a reading perspective, I think fanfic really showed me that a story can be anything, told in a million different kinds of ways. the two fandoms that I was deeply entrenched in/reading fic in were sherlock (lol) and the winter soldier (I stand by it). both of those fandoms - TWS especially - did a lot of very interesting stuff when it came to story structure, multimedia storytelling, etc. while of course there's great published fiction that does the same (I've been a huge David Mitchell stan since I was 20, I read House of Leaves for the first time a few years ago, A Series of Unfortunate Events is such a great example of this tbh), I think there's a lot of freewheeling experimentation in fanfiction that encouraged me to do things like write Some Faraway Place as a mix of journal entries, reddit posts, letters, and tumblr posts.

it's also interesting to me that you bring up the author/reader interaction, because you're right, it is such a huge part of fanfic and a part I rarely thought about for a looooong time. I'm a socially anxious lurker by nature, so I would leave comments (show your local fanfic writer some love!) and I would follow a lot of those writers, but I'd never, like, interact with them directly. and my comments were usually along the lines of "I'M FLINGING MYSELF DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN" rather than openings to conversations lol.

but that changed significantly when I started writing fic. the first fandom I wrote for was SO small and the ship I was writing for even smaller (I'm responsible for over half the fics in that tag), so there wasn't really any interaction there. but then I started writing in a different fandom - still small but much more active - and joined a discord and everything. I'm not really active anymore, but I met someone who now has become one of my best friends and who is a huge reason why Desperate Hollow, my queer outlaw novel, finally got fucking finished.

so being in fanfic really affected my writing in the sense that I found a writer friend who - like a lot of other writing friends - has had a profound affect on me as an artist. but more broadly, writing fic for that fandom - about 200k words of it in eight months - taught me some very important things:

how to write a lot of words very, very quickly

how to let go of something being perfect - no one knows who I am on ao3 and people are just happy to have fic for a small fandom, so it doesn't have to be GOOD

how to write physicality - this is very hard for me, even now. I'm an audio first person, I rarely think about what people look like, how they move their bodies, etc. writing fic is so helpful, because if you're using canon scenes, you don't have to come up with the blocking, you just have to figure out how to describe it.

dialogue/character voice - learning how to mimic a writer's style is good from two perspectives: one, you learn more about style and voice by having to unpack someone else's. two, as a writer working in a scripted medium, you often are trying to write to an established style, because you might be in a writer's room for a world that you didn't create.

this is a less tangible effect, but writing mature works for a fandom that has mostly morally gray characters helped me get more comfortable with being bolder in my own work. Desperate Hollow is about two men in the wild west, one of whom has killed a lot of people, and both of whom are career criminals. the show I'm working on currently has the messiest found family dynamic and it will only get messier. I think in the course of writing TBS, I sometimes got scared of doing the wrong thing, or of leaning too hard into the darker parts of the story, and I'm trying to let my characters and stories be deeply imperfect now.

I hope that answers your questions!

#lauren answers things #Anonymous #writing #fanfic #and no I'm not going to tell you what any of these fandoms are

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demigod-shenanigans · 4 months ago

Text

Love will run deep like hurt runs out

Summary: Jason is sick. Being an ex-praetor, champion of Juno, son of Jupiter, he’s pretty sure that isn’t allowed.

Leo is dealing with some residual limb pain. After roughly three and a half months of this nonsense, he’s forced to admit that that’s maybe a little more allowed than he’d like it to be. Not while he’s trying to take care of his sick boyfriend, though.

Word count: 10.5k

Rating: Teen and Up

Current last part of this little AU and also the only one of my currently completed valgrace/HoO fics I hadn’t cross-posted to tumblr yet! This part is the longest by a lot, lmao. Can be read separately of the other fics!

I used the valgrace week assurance prompt a while back to finally get myself to finish it, and I ended up having a lot of fun with this! Something something Jason and Leo are both terrible patients and massive hypocrites. Also something something couples mutually comforting each other. Truly ridiculous amounts of physical affection in this one, these boys are unbearable about each other actually and I love them so much.

Also, to avoid confusion: should be pretty clear where it happens since it’s marked differently from the other scene changes but the fic starts out as a Jason POV and switches to Leo partway through!

———

Jason woke up drenched and freezing in the middle of the night. This would have been surprising, at least sort of, considering Camp Half-Blood wasn’t supposed to have weather, but his father had been in a mood lately, so it was less of a surprise than he wished. He just hoped it was something the gods could figure out among themselves for once, and not a sign someone was about to be sent on another deadly mission with the world at stake.

There was a part of Jason that wanted to just turn around and go back to sleep, but he knew that wasn’t a feasible solution, no matter how much he liked sleeping in the grass at the edge of the woods when he was feeling anxious.

It had been a bad week, as far as nightmares went, but this had helped a little—had soothed a childish instinct in him that had learned to feel at home in the wilderness. One that had known once he’d proven himself to Lupa, the pack would protect him. He was safe.

He hoped he’d proven himself to Camp Half-Blood, after everything.

But he really couldn’t stay out here with the weather like this. He’d been feeling a little off for days, and he couldn’t afford to get sick right now. There were things to be done. The permanent housing they were trying to establish for adult demigods who wanted to stay at Camp Half-Blood long-term wasn’t going to build itself. So he shook himself awake and got up.

He was covered in mud, but with the amount it was raining, that would probably resolve itself by the time he got back to his cabin. Because he would have to go back there, even if being watched by a stern statue of his father as he struggled to fall asleep didn’t exactly help his anxiety.

He could have been running back to the cabin to get out of the rain faster, but with how drenched he already was, he figured it didn’t really matter. He was too groggy for a decent run, anyway, and he really didn’t need to slip in the wet grass and concuss himself again. With his luck, Leo had been right about the existence of an angry Roman god of head injuries.

Jason didn’t go back to his cabin. He didn’t register where he was heading until he was already there, wet clothes dripping all over the floor of the forge.

It might have been the middle of the night, but Leo was still up, working on what Jason assumed to be a replacement part for Festus. There had been a lot of those lately, as Leo tried to figure out what was causing the misfire issues. He hadn’t been able to actually resolve them yet, but he was pretty enthusiastic about it, and Festus seemed thrilled with all the attention and Tabasco sauce he’d been getting.

Jason meant to say something when he entered, but Leo seemed so utterly absorbed in his work that for a moment, Jason was transfixed just watching his boyfriend’s practiced motions, hammering away on heated metal, changing the shape only slightly until he got it just right.

Jason had seen the gods do impossible things before, but this—the way Leo could create anything he set his mind to, from small toys to replacement parts for giant metal dragons to a trireme they’d spent several weeks living in—was a different kind of magic, and one he’d never grow tired of watching.

Leo turned to grab a tool off the workbench and noticed him. He yelped, almost jumping out of his chair.

“Gods, Jase, I thought you were a swamp monster for a second,” he said, eyes wide. “You can’t sneak up on me like that! What if I’d decided to blast fire first and ask questions later?”

“At least that might have dried my clothes?” Jason suggested, rubbing at his face. His throat felt weird when he spoke. His voice sounded a little off. “Sorry for sneaking up on you. Too tired to think.”

“Which brings me to my next set of questions: why are you up, and why are you drenched? Did you piss off the naiads or something?”

Leo had put the small hammer he’d been holding back on the workbench, and now Jason had his undivided attention. It was a completely stupid reaction in this particular context, but having Leo look at him like that still made his face feel hot. In the best possible way, undivided attention from Leo was something Jason would absolutely never get used to.

“I didn’t sleep great, so I got back up,” he said, not technically lying but not really telling the truth, either. He moved closer to Leo. The heat from the forge helped, but the shivering was far worse than he’d realized. He let himself sink to the floor, pressing his eyes closed for a moment. He felt off. “As for your second question: have you looked outside lately?”

The forge had been built to be partially open, which was the only reason most people were able to breathe in here, and also meant you had an excellent view of the ongoing rainstorm.

This should have made it impossible to miss, but Leo blinked, confused, like he’d only just realized what was going on outside.

“Oh shit, we’ve got weather.”

“Yeah.” Jason sighed. “My father is apparently having a bad time and decided everyone else also needs to have a bad time.”

“That sounds like him.” Leo shook his head. “I didn’t even notice.”

“Not surprised. You seemed really absorbed when I got here.” Jason shrugged. “Not like I’m any better. Pretty sure if a building collapsed around me while I was sketching, I wouldn‘t realize until one of the rafters hit me in the head.”

“Sparky, we talked about this. No tempting the head injury deities,” Leo joked, looking him over. “How did you get this muddy on a five minute walk?”

“I didn’t.” Jason rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “I’ve had a few bad nights. Sleeping outside helps.”

“And here I thought one of my foster siblings waking me with a wet washcloth to the face was a dick move. You got a whole storm.” Leo might still have been joking, but there was an anxious edge to it now. He kneeled down next to Jason and pressed a hand to his face, eyes wide with alarm. “You’re freezing. It’s mid-December, Jason. Were you trying to compete with Khione for icicle of the year?”

His hand was so warm that Jason wanted to melt into him.

The words “you’re hot” were out of his mouth before his brain could fully register what he was saying.

Leo grinned. “Yeah, I know, but it’s nice to be appreciated. C’mere, let’s get you warmed up.”

He wrapped around Jason, everything but his prosthetic leg slowly growing warm in a controlled burst of heat. After a moment of this, Jason’s clothes began to feel more moist than soaked, and the cold that had been seeping into his bones subsided. He still didn’t feel great, but he could have stayed like this forever, warm and comfortable and safe in a way he rarely felt. In a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt around anyone but Leo.

He had no idea how to express that, though—not even when he wasn’t sleep deprived and his head wasn’t spinning. In the current situation, all his brain unhelpfully supplied was “radiator boyfriend. Neat.”

It was stupid, and not at all what he’d meant to say, but Leo was laughing, so maybe he’d done something right. The laugh was a noise and a feeling with the way Leo was holding him. Jason’s limbs felt like pudding, and he knew it wasn’t just because of the warmth.

“I know, I know, you’ve got so much to brag about.” Leo was beaming. He was gorgeous, and also significantly blurrier than he’d been a moment ago. “Now we’re both nice and muddy, but at least you’re dry.”

“Mm.” Dry or not, Jason didn’t want to let go yet. “Do I win?”

Leo blinked. “What?”

“The icicle thing,” Jason said, and his boyfriend’s expression shifted again. Leo’s eyebrows drew together in something that was probably concern. Jason wasn’t entirely sure—mostly because the image was still swimming. That… probably wasn’t good.

“Yeah. Always. No competition.” Leo pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You’re really out of it, hm?”

“I feel weird,” Jason admitted reluctantly. “It’s probably nothing.”

This was made slightly less convincing by the fact that he finished this sentence off with a coughing fit.

“Yeah, you’re sick. Garbage combo with being sleep-deprived and getting drenched, in my experience. You need to be inside, in a bed, like, three days ago.”

“Is time travel something you’re working on?”

“Obviously. What, did you think I was kidding all those times I talked about wanting to go back in time to kick my own ass?” Leo joked, but it was obvious his heart wasn’t in it. He kept looking at Jason like he was an unstable machine about to fall to bits. “Do you think you can get up?”

“Yeah,” Jason said, trying and failing to push himself up on his elbows. His head hurt, and his limbs still felt like pudding. “Actually, maybe I need a moment.”

“That’s fine,” Leo said, with an expression that didn’t fit the statement even slightly. “I need to get everything shut down, anyway. Just don’t fall asleep on me here. I do not feel like draggingyou all the way inside.”

~~~

Jason felt more relieved than he cared to admit that by inside, Leo meant the Hephaestus cabin and not taking him back to the Zeus cabin he’d avoided sleeping in for the past few days. Partially because he really didn’t feel like being scrutinized by his father’s statue now any more than he had a few hours ago, and partially because even after the full fifteen minutes of break he’d gotten while Leo took care of things at the forge, he genuinely wasn’t sure he could have made it all the way there.

He was exhausted and dizzy, and it was obvious enough that Leo kept anxiously joking about handing over his crutches.

The rain had stopped just as abruptly as it had started, but the cold wind didn’t seem to be going anywhere. In his infinite, severely addled wisdom, Jason tried to get it to die down himself, but all that achieved was almost making him black out on the spot, and the wind just seemed to target him more viciously afterwards.

It was a fairly short walk, but by the time they got inside Jason felt like an icicle all over again, despite Leo’s attempts to stay close and radiate warmth the whole way.

Leo had a nice room—cluttered and cozy and without any looming statues of his father standing over him as he slept. The walls were plastered with blueprints, written-on and covered in sticky notes. There were several layers of them, and even the top layer ones were partially covering each other because Leo had run out of space. In a few spots, pictures of their friends poked out from under the rolled-up edges of blueprints or had been pinned neatly to those that weren’t currently in use. The bedside table was a mess of several unfinished projects, and it was kind of a miracle it hadn’t broken down under the weight yet.

Jason liked being here. It was one of the few places in camp that actually felt private.

All the clutter had made him anxious at first. Even without his memories, he hadn’t been able to shake the Roman discipline that had been trained into him since early childhood.

But being around Leo meant chaos, and Jason had learned that was a good thing, more often than not. There was a kind of chaos that was terrifying, and there was a kind that made him feel alive, thrumming heartbeat and all. This kind of chaos was homey and lived-in and welcoming, in a way the Zeus cabin could never be. It didn’t feel like Jason had to carve out a space for himself here. It was already there—provided he didn’t mind accidentally sitting on a wrench every now and again.

The bed was small, which meant every time they had a movie night, they were squeezed tightly next to each other. Which, looking back on it, was maybe part of the reason they’d had so many of those even before they’d started dating.

Right now, Jason was mostly just relieved to be sitting down. The world grew a little less hazy.

“You want tea or something to get warmed up? I’d offer you cocoa, but I don’t think there’s enough sugar at camp for the amount you usually put in there,” Leo teased, sitting down next to him.

Jason immediately melted back into him, wrapping his arms around Leo’s back and pressing his face to his boyfriend’s warm cheek.

“Sure, or you could go ahead and leech all my warmth without asking,” Leo laughed, upping his body temperature a bit more. “Is this good? Anything else you need from me or am I fully replaceable by a portable heater?”

“You’re perfect. I love you.”

It felt impossible how easy that was to say, considering it was only the second time, and Jason hadn’t even said it out loud the first time.

Leo’s body temperature went up more, like a full body blush. Not that Jason was complaining.

“Flirting with a heater is a little weird, Superman,” Leo joked. “But hey, you didn’t even make any typos this time.”

“In my defense, I’m both dyslexic and suck at Morse code,” Jason laughed. He was pretty sure he was smiling like an idiot. He was also pretty sure he didn’t care. “Besides, you liked it.”

“You wish,” Leo replied, soft and fond. He shifted so he could wrap his warm arms around Jason again. “Love you, too.”

Leo had tapped out the words against the table at breakfast absent-mindedly a week and a half ago. Jason hadn’t understood what it meant, just that it was probably Morse code, and Leo had refused to tell him when asked, but he’d blushed so furiously that his head ended up on fire, which got the message across, anyway.

Jason had IMed Annabeth after and asked her to teach him, then practiced for three days because he really wanted to get it right.

He’d still managed to mess up at the end because he’d gotten nervous, spelling out “kof” instead of “you”, but he hadn’t had time to feel embarrassed about it. Leo had looked at him, wide-eyed, then beamed at him like he was the sun and kissed him, only stopping when he realized he was starting to burn a handprint into Jason’s shirt.

Maybe it had been too soon by regular mortal standards—Jason never could figure those things out, it wasn’t like he’d ever had much of a shot at a normal life—but demigod lives were short and they’d both already had one brush with death. Some things just weren’t worth the risk of waiting.

“Sorry for dragging so much mud into your room, by the way,” Jason sighed, halfway muffled by Leo’s warm shoulder.

His boyfriend snorted. “Oh yeah, because we both know I’m infamous for my clean room and even cleaner clothes. I’m basically obligated to break up with you now.” He gestured at the general chaos of the room, then down at himself, covered in oil and soot where he hadn’t absorbed Jason’s dried mud. “Pretty sure we both need a shower, but you don’t look like you’re getting back up. I can at least steal you some clean clothes from one of my siblings, since unfortunately I do actually have to shower before bed.”

“That can't wait until tomorrow?” Jason asked, not wanting to let go.

Leo sighed. “I wish. There are some unfortunate downsides to getting your leg chewed off—yeah, I know, who’d’ve thought. One of them is that if I try to skip my evening routine or shower in the morning, my stump is going to be a whiny nightmare about it.” He rolled his eyes. “Turns out I can set the whole thing on fire and that’s fine, but sometimes I’ll have swelling issues over warm water—because that makes sense. It would be kind of funny if it wasn’t so annoying.”

“Trials and tribulations of being a demigod,” Jason replied, trying to keep the mood light, because even with his brain full of fog, he knew Leo, and knew he still got anxious talking about this. “We should really get our money back.”

Hell, Jason felt like a terrible boyfriend for all the things he didn’t know Leo had to do differently since he’d lost part of his leg, but the only tidbits of information Leo had volunteered were shared through jokes, and pushing him when he wasn’t ready wouldn’t have been fair orproductive, no matter how much Jason wanted to help.

“Yeah, tell me about it. But whatever. I’ll get the hang of it eventually.” Leo smiled at him. “I have to make sure you’re properly warmed up before I leave, though. You gonna be alright here on your own? Need me to tuck you in?” It was only half-teasing.

Jason just sighed and let his head drop back onto his boyfriend’s warm shoulder.

~~~

Jason missed Leo’s warmth immediately. He changed into the borrowed pajamas his boyfriend had tossed at him on his way out, which took way longer than he cared to admit. Then he curled up under the blanket. He was immediately hit with an overwhelming sense of exhaustion, the heaviness in his limbs growing worse now that he was lying down. His head hurt.

He changed positions several times, pulling the blanket tighter around himself, but it didn’t really help.

He stared at the ceiling and tried to get his mind to stop racing. Despite how tired he was, sleep seemed impossible. Since getting back, it was like he’d been waiting for the next thing to go awry, keeping himself busy so he couldn’t think too much about whatever that next thing would be. At night, these thoughts were much harder to push away.

He should have been used to them by now, but he couldn’t deal with the nightmares, either. Lately, he’d had so many where all he could ever seem to do was watch. Watch as people got hurt and died around him during the battle of Mount Othrys. Watch Reyna fall several meters down the side of a mountain, unable to catch her because he couldn’t waste the opening she’d given him against Krios. Watch as a fight broke out between both Camps he called home, unable to stop it. Watch as they were nearly overrun by monsters because he wasn’t Roman enough for the undead legion to consider him a leader. Watch Leo turn himself into an inferno to stop Gaia, unsure if there would be anything left of him to revive.

Some hero he was.

Gaia was gone. Jason wasn’t having visions of terrible things that would happen in the future. But he didn’t feel calm or peaceful. He’d spent so much of his life fighting that he wasn’t sure he’d ever known what being at peace felt like.

Time seemed to pass in slow motion. Jason tried not to think, which was about as successful as one might expect.

By the time Leo got back, he’d worked himself into such an anxiety frenzy that when Leo flopped down on the bed, Jason accidentally gave him an electric shock.

“Ow! You don’t need to take the Sparky nickname so literally, you know.” The mattress moved next to Jason, and he briefly wondered if Leo had decided it wasn’t worth the risk of actually sharing the bed and was getting back up, but then his boyfriend’s hand was moving soothingly up and down his arm. “You good?”

“Yeah. Sorry. Still a little cold, but not sure what that was for.”

In another pointless attempt to get comfortable, Jason had moved to face the wall, so he was currently staring intently at blueprints for some sort of multi-functional weapon—a two-handed sword that could be transformed into a large shield, by the looks of it—instead of looking at Leo. It felt easier that way. If he’d been facing his boyfriend, Leo would probably be able to see how close he was to having a nervous breakdown, and then Jason would have to explain, and he didn’t want to explain. He didn’t want to make himself an even bigger burden than he already was.

Jason was supposed to be a leader, for gods’ sake. He’d been in this life so much longer than anyone else he knew. He was supposed to be able to handle these things.

“Well, luckily for you, cold is something I’m an expert at fixing,” Leo announced, squeezing his shoulder. “Now scoot over, you’re hogging like three-quarters of my bed.”

It took Jason an embarrassing amount of effort to move. His limbs felt like they were made out of celestial bronze. Once he’d semi-successfully managed it, Leo wrapped around him, which made the effort more than worth it.

Jason could feel himself trembling against his boyfriend’s warmth. He knew it was more than just the cold—his anxiety made him feel just about ready to vibrate out of his skin. But he closed his eyes and tried to focus on Leo’s breaths, the way his chest rose and fell against his back, and it helped him get a handle on his own breathing. That was good. He really didn’t want to give Leo another shock by accident.

“You sure you’re okay?” Leo asked quietly. He sounded worried. Jason hated making him worry.

He was going to reply, but instead he just burst into another coughing fit, which wasn’t quite the answer he’d wanted to give.

“Sorry. Stupid question.” Leo moved his arm away from Jason’s chest. “You want me to wake Will? Oh, or I could get Kayla. Her sleep schedule is pretty shitty. She might still be up.”

“How do you even know that?”

“Amputee privileges. I spend so much time in the infirmary that I get inside scoop.” Jason could hear the grin in his boyfriend’s voice. “So, you know, might as well abuse those privileges for your sake while I’m at it.”

“No, that’s okay.” Jason took the arm Leo had been moving and pulled it back to its previous spot. “I think I just want to sleep.”

“Fine.” Leo moved his head, adjusting it against the back of Jason’s neck. His curls tickled a little. “I’m warning you, though, if you get any worse, I’m contractually obligated to drag you to the infirmary. If you have an issue with that, that’s on you for not reading the boyfriend fine print.”

Jason snorted. “You’re terrible.”

“I live to annoy and be your personal heat lamp, in that order.” Leo squeezed Jason’s hand. “Speaking of, is this okay? I could go warmer, but you’re not as cold as earlier, and I should probably save some of my hotness for daytime hours.”

“It’s perfect.”

Sleep came impossibly easy, with Leo wrapped around him like this, radiating warmth.

And even more impossibly, for once Jason didn’t dream.

~~~

Jason woke up feeling worse. His throat felt like someone had sandblasted it, his head hurt like hell and he was exhausted, despite having slept for most of the night.

Right. Nothing a little ambrosia couldn‘t fix.

He blinked a few times, taking in his surroundings in utter confusion. He was lying on his back. He distantly remembered waking at one point throughout the night to find Leo sprawled halfway across him, but the comforting weight was gone from his chest now.

The bed had folded back out of Leo’s tiny room into the bigger Hephaestus cabin, which was currently pretty much deserted, except for Leo and, for some reason, Will Solace, who was standing next to the bed with a breakfast tray.

“Huh?” Jason rubbed at his eyes, trying to make sense of the scene through the haze in his head. Light streamed in through the windows, much too bright for the early morning wake-up time Jason had rarely been able to shake due to his childhood at Camp Jupiter. “What time is it?”

His raw throat didn’t really like him speaking very much.

“You slept through breakfast. Not too surprising, considering you look about as alive as you did the time you got incinerated by Hera and you spent like half the night-” Leo paused, wincing when Jason burst into a coughing fit. He moved to sit next to him on the bed and pat his arm gently, which did absolutely nothing except feel kind of nice. “-doing exactly that.”

“Okay, but what’s with the food?” Jason asked once his body would let him, gesturing vaguely in the direction of Will, who was setting down the tray on the weirdly empty bedside table.

“I spent about an hour making a mess of Chiron’s kitchen to cook you something. Sick people privileges and stuff. If anyone asks about broken mugs in the next few days, play dumb.” Leo was clearly going for careless nonchalance, but Jason could hear a twinge of annoyance in his voice. “Crutches are seriously inconvenient sometimes.”

“I had to have a conversation with him about pushing himself beyond his recovery timeline and trying to carry things around without his crutches while we’re still working on his balance,” Will commented, glaring at Leo in the worried doctor way that all Apollo kids seemed to inherit. “Especially when it made sense for me to come along to check on you, anyway.”

“You okay?” Jason asked worriedly, squeezing his boyfriend’s hand. Leo felt kind of cold, which would have been alarming, except Jason wasn’t sure how much of that was his own body being seriously out of whack.

“Nope, nice try, but I’m the one fussing over you right now. Speaking of-” Leo turned back to Will, whose expression had softened, “I’m shit at normal human body temperatures, being the fire guy and all, but I’m pretty sure he’s running a fever.”

“Yeah, I’m absolutely putting him on bed rest,” Will said, pressing a hand to Jason’s face.

Unlike Leo’s, Will’s hand was icy. Jason shivered and tried to pull away.

“Cold.”

“No, not even a little cold. Leo’s right about the fever,” Will concluded, thankfully removing his freezing hand from Jason’s face. “Flu. Nothing a few days of rest won’t fix, but I’ll get you something to help with the cough.”

Jason opened his mouth to protest—there were things to be done, he couldn’t just leave everyone else to do all the work, especially not for several days—but the only thing he managed was another lengthy, painful coughing fit.

“Hey look, even your body could tell you were about to say something stupid,” Leo teased, doing a terrible job of hiding the concern on his face. “You wanna try and at least drink something to make your throat feel a little less like shit? I get it if you're not hungry. I wasn’t sure what you’d feel like having, so I… may have gone a little overboard.”

He was seriously underselling it. He’d brought water and tea and orange juice. Food-wise, there was a plate of cut-up fruit, plain toast, scrambled eggs and some sort of soup that was still steaming and smelled great.

Jason’s throat went tight.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but just making food appear out of thin air felt like cheating, and I’m not gonna start half-assing the boyfriend thing already. I haven’t even had the job for that long. It’s too soon for me to start slacking off.”

“I’m not really hungry, but water sounds okay. The food looks amazing, though. I’ll eat something in a bit,” Jason promised, struggling to find the words to express just how grateful he was that Leo would do this for him. He moved to sit up. “It’s already pretty late, and I said I’d help with the roofing, so I should just take a bit of ambrosia and get on that. With how much it rained last night-”

The world tilted horribly, and if it hadn’t been for Leo reaching out to steady him, Jason was pretty sure he would’ve toppled sideways off the bed.

“Sometimes I know exactly why you’re friends with Nico.” Will may have been terribly blurry, but Jason could still tell he had one hand pressed to his forehead in annoyance. “Ambrosia is for missions and emergencies. You not wanting to let yourself rest is not an emergency. I can give you a bit to help manage the symptoms, but you still need to take a few days off and give your body a break. You’re exhausted. The ambrosia won’t fix that.”

“I can still do this,” Jason insisted, trying to fight the growing panic in his chest. He had to earn his place here. He had to contribute. He’d known since he was a young child that showing weakness was a mistake he couldn’t afford to make. “I need to do this.”

He moved towards the edge of the bed, vertigo be damned, and it took a tremendous effort to untangle himself from the blankets. For a moment he thought his glasses were fogging up at the edges—then he remembered he’d left his glasses in the Zeus cabin yesterday. The thing going foggy was his eyesight.

It didn’t matter. He needed to get up.

Before he could try, his boyfriend’s arms wrapped around him from the side.

“Hey, Superman, that’s enough.” Leo didn’t sound like this a lot—strict and decisive and genuinely a little mad. It made Jason stop in his tracks. “Camp won’t fall apart if you don’t work yourself half to death for a few days. I’ve been dead, okay? It’s seriously overrated, trust me.”

“But-”

“Jase, look at me. Breathe. You’re okay.” Leo’s voice had softened. One arm was still wrapped around Jason. The other had moved up to his head, fingers combing through his damp hair. “Stop being an idiot and don’t force your amputee boyfriend to figure out how to scrape you off the floor after you inevitably faint and hit your head, yeah?”

Leo looked terribly worried, and Jason knew he was actively making it worse. It made him feel awful.

After another moment of hesitation, he allowed himself to collapse against his boyfriend, exhausted and dizzy and with a horrible ache in his chest. “I’m sorry.”

Leo exhaled audibly into his hair.

“Yeah, I can’t believe you’d get sick on purpose just to make me worry. That was such a dick move, dude,” he said sarcastically, then pressed a kiss to Jason’s head. “Lie back down, please?”

A part of Jason was still protesting, but he felt incredibly off and it was impossible to tell Leo “no” when he looked at him like that.

He let himself sink back onto the mattress, which at least made the room stop spinning.

“Happy now?”

“Yeah, yeah, gold star for not being a complete dumbass.” Jason could hear the smile in his voice. “Do you want a sticker or something?”

“Can you just put your hand back in my hair? That felt really nice.”

“Still here by the way,” Will said awkwardly, and Jason could feel his cheeks growing even warmer because he actually had forgotten about Will. “Doesn’t look like I’m needed anymore, though. I’ll go grab some meds.” He turned to Leo. “Make sure Jason drinks enough water and gets some sleep and he should be fine.”

“Oh, I’ll pester him as much as necessary, don’t worry. You know how annoying I can get.” Leo grinned. “Thanks for the help.”

“If you need anything else, you know where to find me.”

~~~

The bits of ambrosia Jason got still tasted like Leo’s tacos, and like Will had warned, they didn’t magically fix everything.

“If I give you any more, you’ll just try to help and hurt yourself, and then we’ll end up right back here.”

That seemed like a fair enough point, but Jason still didn’t like it. It was hard to convince his brain it was actually okay to let himself rest. When you’d learnt at two years old that showing weakness would get you killed, telling yourself it was fine and safe and nothing bad would happen to you in this specific instance and actually believing that was hard. Hell, his last stab wound had helpfully sorted itself out when he’d recklessly thrown himself into battle despite feeling like death. Keeping himself up and running was safe. This did not feel safe.

And sure, there was a protocol for handling illness and injuries at Camp Jupiter that usually included mandated rest periods. But when everyone looked up to you, expecting you to be the leader, it was hard to figure out where to draw the line. At which point was he objectively bad enough to neglect his duties?

As long as he could stand upright, it was probably fine. When he couldn’t, he’d just nibble on an ambrosia cube until he could. When that didn’t work, he was probably dead and no longer needed to worry about it.

Right now, he wasn’t dead or even dying, and so it didn't feel like a reasonable excuse to neglect his duties for something as stupid as staying in bed and doing nothing—even with Leo there to pester him and make jokes and offer him home-cooked meals that could be warmed up at a flick of his wrist.

It didn’t feel real to Jason that he was just allowed to have this.

If nothing else, since he’d taken the ambrosia he could at least sit up without feeling like he was about to topple off the bed, which meant Leo was currently pestering him into finishing his glass of water.

Jason was only half-listening, his mind continuously wandering back to all the things he should be doing instead of this.

“I can hear you thinking, Superman. It’s loud and very annoying.” Leo ruffled his hair. “Talk to me? We did say we’d give it a shot, but we’re both still kind of garbage at it.”

“I really feel like I should be up and helping,” Jason sighed. He was glad to be able to manage a full sentence without bursting into another coughing fit, but talking still hurt. “At least check on the temples to make sure nothing got damaged last night.”

“Nope. Wrong answer. Immediately disqualified.” Leo made a noise that was obviously supposed to resemble the sound of an incorrect buzzer on a quiz show, though it sounded like someone had kicked the poor buzzer down the stairs instead of pressing it. “The only thing you’re supposed to be doing right now is resting, and you’re doing a terrible job. You’ve basically been non-stop doing things since we finished dealing with Gaia. The temples, now this project… I know I’m one to talk, but you need a vacation or something.” Leo smirked. “I hear Greece is really nice this time of year.”

“Oh yeah, I’d love to spend all of our first vacation as a couple trying not to get killed.”

“You say that like trying not to get killed isn’t the foundation of this relationship,” Leo teased him. “But Greece or otherwise, you’re not talking yourself out of this vacation. Take it from the resident expert on running: you’ve got a tendency to keep yourself running when you shouldn’t, and you really need to stop.”

“Didn’t you tell me you were an expert at sticking around at one point?” Jason asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I can’t believe you remember that,” Leo said, laughing, like it was absurd that that moment had meant enough to Jason for him to remember it. Like Jason hadn’t built his life around the fact that his mom had promised to come back and left him instead. Like Leo, who had been runningand running and running for most of his life, hadn’t seen the fear in his eyes and chosen to stay.

“Of course I remember,” Jason said softly.

Leo gulped, clearly emotional, but then he immediately shifted back into his joke default.

“Damn it. Should have known you keep a folder of quotes to throw back at me at the right moment. You’re exactly the type of nerd who has folders on everything.” He shook his head. “To answer your question: I’ve got layers, babe. I have to keep you on your toes somehow.”

“I thought the point of this was to get me to rest? Isn’t that the opposite of keeping me on my toes?”

“You’re lucky I like you as much as I do.” Leo rolled his eyes, but then he smiled at Jason. “I’ll let you in on a little secret: I was trying to be supportive and also full of shit. I’m getting better at the sticking around thing, though. You can blame yourself and Piper for that one. Fourteen year old Leo would be quaking in his boots.”

It was more sincere than Leo usually was, and Jason really did feel lucky.

“Fourteen year old me would also be pretty shocked if he could see me now,” Jason admitted quietly. “He never slept past six am. He was also never this happy.”

“Six am?” Leo’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Is that standard for Camp Jupiter? Gods, no wonder Reyna is always so cranky.”

Jason laughed, which rapidly dissolved into another coughing fit. Laughing was still out, then. That was really unfortunate considering his boyfriend was right there.

“I think you’d like Reyna if you gave her an actual shot. There’s a reason we were best friends for years.” Their relationship had never quite gone back to what it had been before the whole memory wipe kidnapping incident, but Jason was back to being friends with Reyna, and he was glad for that. “Are you still scared of her?”

“Not as much. Piper’s trying exposure therapy. The results are so-so, but at least I don’t think she wants to kill me anymore,” Leo joked. Then he shoved the half-full glass of water back into Jason’s face. “Speaking of ways to prevent death: I’m supposed to keep you from getting dehydrated. Bottoms up!”

Jason sighed, but his throat still hurt, even if it did feel a little less sandpapered than before, and the water helped.

What it didn’t help with was the exhaustion—this ridiculous, inconvenient feeling of wanting to just curl up against Leo and let himself go unconscious. He may have been significantly less dizzy, but he still went between random flashes of feeling too warm and too cold and sometimes both at once.

“It’s fine if you want to go back to sleep, you know,” Leo said like he’d read his mind—or, more likely, Jason’s bone-deep exhaustion was just written all over his face. He took the empty glass and placed it back down on the bedside table. “I may be terrible at going to bed at reasonable hours, and sleep gets a general 5/10 from me because of all the nightmares, but unfortunately, it is important, especially when you’re sick. I don’t mind just sitting with you for a while.”

“If you’re staying with me, we should at least do something together,” Jason protested. “This isn’t exactly fun for you. I don’t want to just sleep and waste a whole bunch of your time.”

“You’re overestimating your influence, Superman. I have ADHD. I can waste my own time just fine without your help.” Leo smiled down at him, running his hand through Jason’s hair again. Jason closed his eyes and leaned into the movement. “Besides, we both know I’m the fun one in this relationship. Your job is more, like, mother henning so I occasionally go to bed before two am and actually remember to eat lunch instead of just disappearing down the project void for three days.”

“Shut up,” Jason laughed, which rapidly turned into another coughing fit. Gods, usually he loved how much Leo made him laugh, but it was a little inconvenient right now.

“See? Clearly, I’m the fun one. Now stop being ridiculous and just go back to sleep.”

Jason wanted to protest again, but his thoughts were turning to mush. His head was on Leo’s lap, and Leo was so, so warm that anything coherent he tried to grasp at drifted away before he could form even half a sentence. That just felt like cheating on Leo’s part.

Being sick still didn’t feel safe to Jason. This whole situation of him letting himself rest didn’t feel safe or right or like something he should be allowed to do.

But he knew so instinctively that Leo would never let anything happen to him that it was hard to feel anything but safe with him. With Leo there, Jason always felt like everything was going to be alright.

————————————————————————

Leo was pretty sure he was failing as a boyfriend.

The thing was, Leo was kind of garbage at taking care of people. He knew that wasn’t entirely his fault—no one had properly taken care of him when he was sick since he was eight years old, and just crawling under the bedsheets hoping his foster parents didn’t realize he was sick or finding himself a slightly less drafty bridge to sleep under weren’t exactly great precedents to base your care for someone else on.

But knowing that didn’t help. Jason was great with stuff like this. He knew how to calm Leo down when he was freaking out, made him cocoa in the middle of the night and had made sure Leo didn’t go stir-crazy when he’d been stuck in the infirmary for more than a week after the Gaia fight. That Leo was fucking terrible at it and he didn’t feel like he could properly help Jason in return made him feel like shit.

After his boyfriend had dozed off the night before, Leo had realized very quickly that he absolutely should have dragged him to the infirmary—or at least he should have broken in and stolen a few ambrosia cubes. Leo hadn’t really slept much. Jason had spent the whole night sweating and shivering against him, coughing so badly that Leo had been worried one of his lungs might come up, but he hadn’t been able to wake Jason when he tried, and physically hadn’t been able to leave the bed until sometime this morning. Every time he’d tried to pull his arm away from Jason’s chest, Jason had made a half-asleep whining noise and pulled it back, until eventually, he’d turned onto his back and wrapped fully around Leo, pinning him in place like a misbehaving pup.

It would have been hilarious if it hadn’t been so inconvenient.

Austin had been the only Apollo cabin member up when Leo had gotten there, and Leo hadbothered him into checking on Jason, but Austin’s powers were more concentrated in the musical than the healing range. He’d mainly concluded that Jason wouldn’t die and advised Leo to let him sleep for a while longer and ask Will to check in later if it didn’t get better.

Leo had then proceeded to waste most of the morning trying to figure out how to cheer Jason up.

He’d gotten a whole bunch of unhelpful advice from his friends, both in-person and via Iris Message. Reyna had said she liked to be left alone, and had absolutely no advice to offer in regards to what Jason usually did or needed when he was sick. She actually couldn’t remember him ever being sick in all the time she’d known him, which said some concerning things about the amount of off time he usually allowed himself to take.

Piper had said her dad used to tell her stories to make her feel better when she’d been little, which would have been helpful if Jason had been five. She’d also confirmed Jason was a terrible patient, which, considering he’d tossed himself into the ocean with a life-threatening stab wound at one point, didn’t take a genius to figure out.

Because Piper was just like that, she’d pointed out that Leo wasn’t much better, which, while not technically untrue, wasn’t exactly helpful advice, either.

Annabeth had said she didn’t get sick, which Percy side-eyed her for, and then she’d admitted she just liked knowing someone was there. Doing what, exactly? Who knew.

Percy was the only one who’d said something Leo could actually use: that his mom usually cooked something he liked to cheer him up.

Leo could do cooking.

So, as per Austin’s expert advice, he’d let Jason sleep, and after breakfast, he’d gotten to work in the kitchen.

Leo liked being in the kitchen of the big house, usually. Cooking relaxed him.

But he hadn’t done a whole lot of it since he’d lost his leg, and navigating the kitchen with his crutches had turned out to be a bigger issue than he’d expected. Carrying things around was fine if they were in closed boxes or bags, but carrying a mug with liquid? Yeah, nope, not happening.

But, after some mishaps, he’d found workarounds. He’d gone completely overboard because he wasn’t sure what Jason would actually feel like eating. It wasn’t like he didn’t know some of the things Jason liked, but none of the ones that came to mind exactly screamed sick person comfort foods to Leo.

He’d made a cup of that terrible herbal tea Jason liked for some reason, and a whole bunch of small things like cut fruits and dry toast. Leo had even tried to recreate the chicken pozole he remembered his own mom had sometimes made when he wasn’t feeling well. The memory made his heart clench in his chest, but he felt like he had to at least try.

There hadn’t been any major disasters during the actual cooking process. The main problem came after, when Leo realized he hadn’t really thought through how he’d get the food back to the Hephaestus cabin. Carrying a tray with crutches was even less possible than carrying around mugs filled with liquid.

So, well, Leo had chosen to just not use the crutches. He’d decided it was probably fine as long as he was careful. He could mostly walk around without crutches okay.

Admittedly, most of that walking had been without carrying anything heavy and with both Will and a wall readily available in case he needed to steady himself. And sure, they didn’t do these types of exercises for more than a few minutes at a time because Leo’s sense of balance was still shit. But he’d thought he could do this.

Will rushing up to him a few steps out of the building had been the only reason Leo and everything he was carrying hadn’t ended up all over the lawn.

“Leo, we talked about this,” Will had chided him, taking over carrying the tray.

He’d spent the whole walk to the cabin trying to talk Leo through recovery timelines, which Leo had tuned out after the second sentence.

Leo knew that stuff. He was painfully aware of the fact that it usually took over six months, sometimes up to a year, to be able to walk without crutches after an amputation. They’d talked through this in detail several times.

That didn’t mean he was thrilled about this fact.

Sure, Leo was making decent progress. And he was trying to be patient with himself.

But it had been months at this point, and he’d never been a particularly patient person, and that he was doing better didn’t mean he didn’t have days like today when he really wanted to hurl his crutches at a wall.

The other issue he was currently having was that his left leg hurt.

Leo was pretty sure he knew the cause of this—Will had told him he was supposed to regularly take the prosthesis off and check if the skin underneath was getting irritated, and also give his stump breaks throughout the day.

The thing was, Leo wasn’t great about this. Partially, this was because he got hyperfocused a lot when he was working on his little projects and he just forgot. Partially, this was also because he’d had two legs for sixteen years of his life, and even after three and a half months in this new situation, he still didn’t always remember that this wasn’t the case anymore. That part felt fucking idiotic, because most of the time he obviously did know and was unable to forget if he tried, but sometimes when he was especially sleep-deprived or intensely focused on something else, his brain just blocked out this particular part of reality. Having his prosthesis on when he worked late significantly reduced the risk of him trying to get up to fetch a tool and epically belly-flopping onto the floor of the forge in the process.

…okay, that one had been a one time occurrence and very early on, but still. Never again.

Nyssa and Jake hadn’t been weird about it—Nyssa had helped him sit up while Jake had gone to fetch Will, and both of them had the decency to never bring it up again. Leo still wanted to burn a hole into the floor from sheer embarrassment whenever he thought of it.

So, yeah, staying up as late as he had and keeping the prosthesis on the whole time, Leo was pretty sure he’d irritated the shit out of his stump, in ways his evening routine hadn’t been able to fix. Again.

He should have probably gone to Will or Kayla about this. At the very least, he should have taken his prosthetic leg off and iced the painful spots a little. If it had been any other day, he probably would have.

He didn’t.

Instead, he let Jason nap on his lap for two hours, which surprisingly did not help his leg pain.

Leo should have been better about this, especially when Will had literally just given him a lecture about not pushing himself. But the only semi-useful thing Leo had managed to do so far was make Jason food, which Jason hadn’t even eaten because he wasn’t feeling well.

So, yeah, fucking incredible work in the boyfriend department, Valdez.

The least he could do was let Jason sleep in a position he was obviously comfortable in, even if it was objectively only comfortable for one of them.

Aside from the pain, Leo didn’t really mind this situation very much. He spent an embarrassing amount of time just watching his boyfriend sleep like a complete weirdo.

Despite the fact that Jason was still sweating and shivering under the blanket, and despite the fact that every time he coughed it was obvious that it hurt, he looked… almost peaceful.

Jason wasn’t good at looking peaceful. Even asleep, it always seemed like he was one command away from jumping to his feet with his sword drawn. Almost was the closest he ever got.

And almost peaceful Jason was an image Leo really struggled to tear himself away from. It made him yearn for a future where maybe he’d get Jason all the way to actually peaceful, now that the end of the world wasn’t permanently hanging over their heads anymore. Leo imagined the machine shop he wanted, and getting to come home every night to a version of Jason that laughed easily and no longer remembered how to stand at attention.

Gods, Leo hadn’t even thought it possible to be this utterly gone for another person. A year ago, he hadn’t even thought he’d ever consider a place home again. Yet, here he was, just about a month into this relationship, thinking about living together. Talk about fucking u-hauling.

~~~

By the time Jason woke up, Leo had thankfully torn himself out of the kind of ridiculous fairytale futures that had always been reserved for other people and was fiddling with one of his little projects—an upgraded eye for Festus with a few extra sensors his current ones didn’t have.

Admittedly, Leo looking down at Jason might have been a slightly less disconcerting sight to wake up to than the giant metal eye that was currently staring down at him.

Jason yelped, and Leo was barely quick enough to move the large metal orb out of range before his boyfriend punched the spot of empty air where it had just been, nearly socking Leo on the jaw in the process.

“Whoa. Down, boy. No need to give me or Festus a black eye.” Leo dropped the eye on the floor next to the bed, then held his hands up defensively for extra effect. “This is mostly celestial bronze, anyway, so it’s not like you could do any real damage with your fists. It’s bad enough that you’re sick, we do not need to add broken fingers to the equation.”

Jason looked extremely startled. “Sorry. Oh gods, I’m so sorry. I thought- You okay?”

“You didn’t even actually hit me. Your uppercut needs work.” Leo gently flicked his boyfriend in the head. “Anyway, enough about me. How are you feeling?”

“A little better, I think.” This was followed immediately by another coughing fit. Leo raised an eyebrow.

“You are the worst liar I know.” He ruffled Jason’s hair, since he seemed to really be enjoying that today. Note for future reference: sick Jason was like a dog that enjoyed getting petted. “You need anything?”

“Maybe water?” Jason shrugged. “I don’t know. Just if it’s not too much trouble.”

“Superman, I cooked for you for more than an hour this morning. I’ll survive a three second walk to the bathroom and back to fill up your cup.” Leo nudged him. “Besides, I’ve got a leg and a half that are super asleep right now. It’ll be nice to get up and stretch them for a bit.”

~~~

Despite this bold statement on Leo’s part, the short walk in question turned into a total disaster.

Yeah, he could have made it to the bathroom and back without his crutches under most circumstances. He’d done that before.

But currently, his stupid stump was sore and hurt with every step and it turned out he could not manage.

He had to pause in the bathroom, the cup clenched in trembling fingers, which would have been embarrassing enough. But then it turned out he couldn’t make the way back at all.

The main issue wasn’t that the pain was so intense he couldn’t bear it—if it had been anything that serious, even Leo probably wouldn’t have been this much of a moron about it. The issue was that the fact that his steps stung kept throwing him off, and made Leo’s usually mediocre balance that Will had correctly pointed out they were still working on significantly worse.

Leo only made it about three quarters of the way back to his bed before he misstepped and fell, which was really just how this day was going. The main thoughts he had as he fell were annoyance and frustration directed at himself, as well as a distant relief that he’d had the presence of mind to take the plastic cup because at least that wouldn’t splinter.

Leo didn’t hit the floor. He was stopped mid-fall by first a strong gust of wind and then a pair of warm arms.

Jason shouldn’t have been out of bed. He definitely shouldn’t have been using his powers. In the end, Jason’s immensely stupid rescue attempt just made them both crumple to the floor, right into the puddle of spilled water, though at a much slower speed than the one Leo had originally been going for.

“Are you okay?”

Leo wanted to say something funny, but he looked at his exhausted boyfriend who’d just wasted a bunch of his energy preventing him from getting hurt and just kind of started to cry.

“Are you hurt? What’s wrong? Can I help?” Jason asked again, placing his hands on Leo’s shoulders. He sounded really alarmed, which just made Leo feel worse.

“I’m sorry I’m such garbage at this,” Leo sniffled. “You’re always so good with this stuff, but I can’t figure out how to help, and between my stupid crutches and my stupid leg hurting I can’t- I’m sorry I’ve been so useless.”

“Leo, what the hell are you talking about?” Jason looked something between concerned and seriously confused.

“I’m- my whole thing is that I know how to fix machines. But people? I don’t- I never know how to help when it comes to people. You’re not like Festus. I can’t just switch out your gears to make you feel better. I don’t know what I can do to make you feel better. What kind of awful boyfriend-”

“Stop.” Jason looked directly at him, eyes stormy. “You’ve been amazing. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I will not allow you to talk about yourself like this.”

“But-”

“No. Listen to me. If it wasn’t for you, I would have gone to help, and Will’s right, I probably would have ended up hurt. Most likely, I wouldn’t even have been upset about it, because that’s what I was raised to do. You said it yourself: I’m the prince of the universe. I’m supposed to take charge and get things done. It doesn’t matter if that doesn’t make me happy or if it isn’t good for me. That’s just who I have to be.” Jason’s voice cracked. “Everyone always expects me to be able to handle anything. But I’m not. You’re the only person who’s ever made me feel like it’s okay that I’m not.”

“Oh,” was the only thing Leo could manage as Jason pulled him to his chest, holding him so gently that he could barely remember how to breathe.

And then they were both crying, adding to the stupid water puddle they were sitting in. They probably looked ridiculous. Leo didn’t care. Being wrapped in Jason’s arms like this immediately made him feel better.

“I can count the amount of times someone’s taken care of me on one hand, and that’s never involved another person sitting with me for hours and stroking my hair and cooking for me before. I almost burst into tears over a plate of cut fruit earlier,” Jason admitted quietly, gently nuzzling Leo’s neck. Gods, he still felt awfully warm. “But you don’t need to spend all day fussing, especially if you don’t feel great. It’s so nice to just have you here. I’ve been really anxious lately, and I just- all I ever wanted was for someone to stay.”

“Oh,” Leo repeated intelligently, his own voice cracking too. Damn it, that meant he’d have to tell Annabeth he should have taken her advice. She’d never let him live that down. “I can do that. I can stay.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jason sniffled. “But I don’t want you hurting yourself to help me, okay?”

“Says the guy who just almost made himself faint trying to catch me,” Leo commented, grimacing. “I hate to say it, but Piper was right when she said sometimes we’re the exact same brand of idiot. Let’s both try to work on that, yeah?”

Jason sighed. “Yeah. Okay.”

This left them with the issue of how to get back off the floor.

~~~

In the end, Piper rescued them, appearing out of thin air like Leo had fucking summoned her the second he’d admitted she was right.

She collected both of them off the floor, went to get Will, and also brought some of the self-refilling cups from lunch, which… yeah, Leo really should have thought of that.

“You seem to have food covered for now,” she said, gesturing towards the tray of still untouched breakfast items on the bedside table.

Whether he liked it or not, Leo got his second Will Solace lecture of the day, this time with strict orders to rest and let his stump breathe for a while. He didn’t mind that too much—he’d felt absolutely zero desire to put the prosthesis back on since he’d finally taken it off.

Besides, being put on bed rest with Jason really wasn’t much of a punishment, aside from the fact that even sick, Jason still wouldn’t stop with his stupid mother henning.

“You literally said that was part of my boyfriend job description like three hours ago. You do not get to complain about it now,” Jason teased him, shoving Leo’s cup and another piece of toast in his direction.

Yeah, Leo really needed to find that folder of inconvenient quotes that could be used against him and burn it.

Jason was still garbage at letting himself rest, but it seemed to be easier for him now that he felt like he was doing something helpful—even if that something helpful was just bothering his boyfriend. Leo would have to write that down for future reference.

They shared the food Leo had made, and they talked. Jason told him why he’d been so anxious while Leo petted his head and offered to fist-fight Rachel the next time she tried to speak a prophecy. Leo finally went into some of his post-amputation problems, including but not limited to his occasional desire to hurl his crutches at the wall.

“Will probably has some old broken crutches you could actually throw. If you think that’d help, I’m sure he’d let you.”

“I’ll ask, but I’ll definitely tell him it was your idea.” Leo chuckled. “If Will keeps having to put up with us I think he’s gonna need a vacation too.”

“Maybe someone should tell him to just take a couple of days off with his boyfriend. This is actually really nice.” Jason didn’t kiss him, because he was a buzzkill and refused to get him sick, but he looked at Leo with such unbridled fondness that it was clear he wanted to. “I love you. You know that, right?”

“If you’re trying to quote Star Wars to me, you’re doing it wrong,” Leo joked, putting his head on Jason’s shoulder. “But yeah, I do know that. Love you, too.”

And well, spending the next few days like this, sharing meals and curled up next to each other watching movies and taking naps didn’t sound so bad, even if it did require Leo to be a little more honest about how he was feeling than usual.

He still wasn’t convinced they were lucky enough to have any kind of fairytale future, but currently the present wasn’t looking half bad.

———————

Some notes:

-Title is from Time by Gretta Ray. Shoutout to my friend Mal for putting up with me in the process of this fic, he’s never read the books and literally doesn’t even know who these people are.

Continuation of the point I made in Late Night Cocoa about Leo and Jason both being shit at voicing it when something is wrong with them! Jason’s been in charge for so long that not being okay has simply never felt like an option. Leo still isn’t entirely used to having people who care regardless of whether he’s currently being useful.

Being in a relationship does not magically fix all your issues! But they know each other and know how to lift each other up and it does really help.

Leo will not let Jason play the hero. Jason will not allow Leo to talk badly about himself ever. They’re just good for each other, full stop, and I love that for them.

Side note: I cannot believe I wrote a 10k established relationship fic and didn’t let them kiss on the lips once. That feels incredibly mean of me. I feel like now I need to write a date fic of some kind specifically to make it up to them, lol

This was my first time properly attempting Jason POV which was kind of scary but I think I ended up doing alright?

Anyway, thanks for reading! Comments and reblogs are always super, super appreciated.

@poppitron360

#valgrace #jason grace #leo valdez #hoo #heroes of olympus #leo x jason #jason x leo #my writing #heroes of Olympus fanfic #valgrace fanfic #hoo fanfic #pjo Leo #pjo Jason #fate and other technicalities #long post

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mystreet-liveblog · 5 months ago

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Earlier today I thought to myself how Season 1 feels the most iconic despite being the least developed season (from a production and continuity standpoint)

Now I’m trying to think about why. I don’t think the reason has anything to do with the plot or characters or humor, but rather the formatting

Season 1 was a Minecraft Roleplay. Sure it had a few cinematic scenes, but at its core it was a bunch of characters existing and interacting in Minecraft. It was mostly first-person perspective with in-game dialogue read out loud by Aphmau, and it had that nostalgic feeling of playing Minecraft with your friends

None of the other seasons capture that same feeling (so far on my binge anyway). The first-person perspective is still in some bits of PDH S1 and Love~Love Paradise, but they don’t have that same Minecraft-specific vibe to them

The best example I have of what I mean is in S1 when Aphmau is unpacking her boxes and putting up her posters. She is building in Minecraft! You don’t see that past Season 1, where characters take out blocks and place them, because the story slowly starts not-being based in Minecraft

Of course, the switch to cinematic storytelling is by no means a bad thing. I’m just pointing out that the reason Season 1 feels so different is because it’s far more Minecrafty than others. The show slowly stops being a Minecraft Roleplay and starts becoming a “roleplay in Minecraft” during its run

And I think this is also why Season 3 feels sort of disconnected from the rest of the show (I know it’s where a lot of OG fans stopped watching back in the day, myself included). Season 3 is entirely cinematic, with most of the Minecraft aspects gone beyond the medium itself. Even the cats are changed from Minecraft cats to Neko Atsume cats

For the first two seasons, MyStreet was still a Minecraft Roleplay, but the third season made a big leap into TV-show territory. It sort of feels like it came out of nowhere, too, despite previous seasons having fully-cinematic episodes of their own. I can’t quite figure out why it felt so different because of this. Cinematics weren’t new, but perhaps since they often came alongside pov scenes they fit in better

And that makes Season 4 a very interesting case. I haven’t started Season 4 on my binge yet, but something I distinctly remember about it is that it brought back the first-person perspective shots (though I believe from Aaron’s pov this time, establishing him as a season protagonist). I think this is a great idea because it returns those initial S1 vibes I was referring to

Then, as the season gets more plot heavy, the pov gets replaced by more and more cinematics, until the paradigm shift fully establishes MyStreet as a TV-show once again. I think this is what Season 3 needed: a reason to become more TV-like

Season 4 is an MCRP until suddenly it isn’t, and its advancing story becomes deserving of cinematics. Season 3 didn’t entirely earn this shift. MyStreet has always been TV-like but it wasn’t a proper show until Season 4. Or, more accurately, it became a show in S3, then reverted back for a proper transition in S4

I still like S3 and its cinematics, but I also admit that it could’ve benefitted from taking itself a little less seriously at certain times. The pov shots are comedic because they remind the audience “oh yeah, this is a video game!” I don’t think S3 did anything wrong, but just by simply being different it created a different vibe to the whole thing

Anyway, I’m looking forward to starting S4 soon, and seeing if this post holds up by the end of it

#mystreet liveblog #aphblr #mystreet #aphmau #aphmau mystreet

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sundaycentric · 1 year ago

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Hi!! I heard you had requests open, and I wanted to ask if you were comfortable with writing Neuvillette reacting to learning about the fact his s/o is trans. With him being all supportive and just some wholesome fluff. :) Gn reader please, and I wish you a fantastic day!

neuvillette x trans gn reader

content ★ headcanons, trans reader, established relationship, not proofread, no specified agab or gender, fluff, sfw

note ★ IM SORRY OTHER REQUESTERS FOR DOING THEM OUT OF ORDER I JUST AUUGH.. this one makes me really happy bc im trans myself !!

Neuvillette noticed how you became a bit more nervous around him for the past few months. He can't understand why, but he doesn't want to overstep and push you. He wants you to tell him by yourself.

When you do tell Neuvillette, it's one of the rare days where theres no courts in session. The two of you have some time to spend together, outside of his work.

He can tell that you seem nervous throughout the date. His face doesn't change, but the skies darken some. He can't help but be worried, especially since he can't properly figure out what you're feeling.

At the end of the day, when the sun began to set and the two of you were content, you began to open up to him.

Neuvillette listened to what you were saying about how you don't want him to view you any different, and how you still want things to work out and hope he doesn't hate you. Neuvillette frowns a bit. Hate you? He could never.

When you finally do tell him that you're trans, he doesn't really react much. Except for the faint smile that grew on his face, and sky lightened a bit. Neuvillette knows what it is, and has more knowledge on queer topics simply because he has been alive for so long.

Neuvillette is relieved it wasn't something that would matter that much. He doesn't really care for your gender: you're still you. Especially since he isn't human, he doesn't think that much about gender at all.

Neuvillette will immediately ask you what you want to go by. If you don't know yet, he'll offer his help with picking you out a new name. If you do have a name in mind, he'll immediately switch over to it, as if you were always that name instead of your deadname.

He'll listen to you rant and vent when you need to. Neuvillette will be there whenever you need him. He may not have lots of advice or a suggestion, but he will try to comfort you.

Neuvillette will offer to help you get your name legally changed, as well as your gender on official documents. It still costs money, but he'll pay it all for you.

Neuvillette will go shopping for you when you're out. Binders, packers, tucks, whatever it is that'll help you feel more comfortable. People may look at him oddly when he is at stores, buying these, but he really doesn't care. Neuvillette's more concerned with your happiness.

He is very supportive. :) If you are transmasc, he'll try his best to give you some tips since he's masculine. If you are transfem, he'll get Lady Furina to help you out. She does, happily, and she'll advise you however she can. If you are transneutral, he can't do much, but he will listen to anything you ask of him.

#★ neuviyuan #neuvillette x reader #neuvillette x y/n #neuvillette x you #trans reader #fluff #sfw #neuvillette #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader

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alicelufenia · 1 month ago

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Having just reblogged this post, which was my contribution to a "FF14 Hyurs are not like typical fantasy humans" thread, I thought I'd follow up by reflecting on my oc Alice's incarnations both the Main Character Incarnate as a Warrior of Light, and the Main Character But That's a Bad Thing Dark Urge from Baldur's Gate 3, and how they're both reflections of where I'm at in life when they came to be. I'll be getting a little personal and speaking entirely as Kaylin, the person behind this blog, so without further delay, I wanna talk about how these seemingly so dissimilar characters remain one in the same to me.

I created Alice in March of 2021, having been playing ffxiv for a year and a half, and was sitting at end game for a full year. While I had the name since October 2019, my Warrior of Light remained a mostly featureless avatar. She was a Miqo'te, then an au ra, and when I finally decided to make her into a fully realized character, one who could embody the role of Warrior of Light but be unabashedly mine, was when I opted to use the last Fantasia I'd actually pop from that time to the present, to make my max sliders chest and muscles, highlander hyur with fiery red hair, freckles, and the pink and blue heterochromia that would be her signature going forward. I made Dark Knight her canon job, and have not seen the need to change a single thing about her.

She's strong, brave, cocksure and sassy, but found it difficult to connect with people, instead constantly striving to be the larger than life hero the world needed, but feeling empty without more personal and vulnerable connections. Small wonder come Endwalker that Zenos is the one to crack that shell, and she now thinks of herself as an adventurer first, hero a distant second, and finally letting herself get close to people, especially the scions who she has accepted as an extended family.

At this point in my life I was just beginning to pull myself out of a depressive spiral that had been festering for years behind my single-minded devotion to work. I had also been 2 years into my gender transition at this point, which made me feel empowered, but unsure of where to go next. I lost a lot of muscle mass due to hrt, and was afraid to try and build it back. I made Alice tall (taller than irl me), muscular, and trans like me, as if to show myself a woman can be feminine while boasting traditionally masculine features.

While a noble effort, it never really motivated me to buff up. Hell, before the pandemic I was considering joining a local HEMA chapter and learn fencing. After lockdown and starting transitioning, seeing the way trans athletes are crushed into dust and humiliated convinced me never to try. I still mourn the loss of a chapter of my life that could have been, but for which I saw, and still see, no hope.

Out comes a little game called Baldur's Gate 3, and I recast Alice anew, this time as a half wood-elf instead of full human, and a Paladin with Shadow Sorcerer levels; my interpretation at the time of a setting-appropriate Dark Knight in Faerûn. Her story wound up very different from the consistently heroic figure that was her ffxiv predecessor, falling in love with Minthara (directly mirroring my growing attraction to older women), becoming an Oathbreaker, struggling with heroism before retaking her oath in pursuit of her partner's ambitions, performing truly heroic feats, and in the end, following through with seizing that Absolute power. Except not really, cause the evil endings weren't added at the time, so concluding with saving the day with everyone getting their best outcomes for the most part. But next playthrough, I made her Dark Urge, and it was only then I felt her character was truly established, and now worse than before for everyone around her.

It's easy to look at both her 14 and bg3 versions and get the impression that they're nothing alike (their alignments are practically in opposition), and in their narratives you're correct; at the end of the day the Warrior of Light doesn't carry as much baggage as the Dark Urge. So was I just trying to be edgy as possible now?

By the time bg3 released, I was mostly finished with my transition, save one last step that would be the biggest decision of my life. By the time I made Alice into the Dark Urge and make her past the most ugly and self-destructive yet, I was already making plans for gender confirming surgery. It was a decision a long time coming, and that sense of dysphoria over not just your body, but what others allow you to do with it, features prominently in Alice's background now, her struggle against Bhaal being equally about resisting the Urge but also asserting her body autonomy. Unlike me, she doesn't have bottom dysphoria, but Bhaal interfering with her transition by making sure she'll be able to "breed many bhaalspawn" shows that all she's valued for is her birth assigned sex; literally, as she was formed wholecloth by Bhaal in his image, and has faught against that since childhood.

I've recently come home from the hospital, the great work I endeavored this whole year finally coming to a head. I got my operation, and I have never been happier. Even if it's the most pain I've been through in my 41 years, even though I had a real scare that I was going to bleed out, naked in a hospital bed, the remnants of my dysphoria finally managing to kill me after all, I endured because of a large team of nurses and surgeons working like hell, while my wife stayed by my side, and I kept up my smile.

Now ten days out from my surgery (a tenday, you might say :p) I'm home recovering, every day the swelling and bruising grows less, and I'm even experiencing real feeling again as the nerves wake up, and everything feels perfect down there. My world has been transformed via a blood sacrifice (literally, I needed 3 transfusions the first 4 days in the hospital) and one hell of a surgeon.

So, other than sharing this extremely personal story, how does it tie into Alice? For me it's a reminder that every version of her has reflected my current fears and self-doubts; that I'm not feminine enough, or too much of a shut in to make friends, or pining for an athletic achievement I lack the spirit to pursue, and right now the fear of being robbed of my chance to destroy my source of dysphoria in the near future unless I do something about it RIGHT NOW.

Given all I've achieved this year, despite how shit it was on a large scale, it's been one of if not the most important in my life. I'm finally getting closure with my transition, and still with months of recovery ahead.

What I also have now, is loads and loads of time at home doing nothing but resting and maintenance on my new body, and now with far less pain than before.

In short, reflecting on all of this, I'm finally ready to write my bg3 fanfic starring Alice the Dark Urge, her someday wife Minthara, and all the companions who stuck with them along the way. I know plenty of people who've been anticipating this. I'm dearly sorry my friends, but after working on myself, I am ready to fill your dms with wips, and someday sooner than later, a proper release of Glory and Shame, my current working title.

Please look forward to it.

@w-low @elissastillstands @trappedinafantasy37 @majorasnightmare this one's for you cuties, and anyone else who's shown interest but I've forgotten to include cause it's late and I should sleep lol

#my writing #glory and shame #not including the fandom tags #this one is for the mutuals and anyone who cares for the words i make #queue

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ofstormsandfire · 9 months ago

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Do you have any good BotW/TotK fic recs? Yours or other people’s!

Boy howdy DO I.

Going to preface this by saying that I have preferences, and those preferences tend to veer towards gay shit and people who don't initially get along ending up ride or die, and as such a high proportion of these are going to be Revalink.

Anyway. The fic that got me into that ship, changed my brain chemistry, and is a large part of why I go !!!! about ghosts (literal and nonliteral) haunting the narrative, characters with amnesia who are supposed to be dead, and the Rito as a whole, is Pinesong by aperplexingpuzzle and that is the fic that makes me go "if you read NOTHING else in this fandom read THIS holy fuck."

(But also you should be reading other things too, because there is so much good shit and I adore it greatly I go back to reread my favorites regularly. Also check out the authors I mention apart from just the fics I link there is so much good fic I'm forcing myself to just pick one per author or else I will be here literally all day.)

Next up: Moonlight (every single night) by Heleentje. Do you like time loops? Do you like characters slowly, painstakingly figuring out how to get it right? Did you get very attached to Revalink from the last fic? how about some ~queerplatonic Zelink~ in this trying time?

Frankly, it is very hard to pick just one fic by Ginneke, they've got so many good ones but I'm going to have to settle on Flowers from your Beloathed, which is another Revalink fic set before the Calamity where, y'know, Revali is getting flowers from a secret admirer. Except he's Revali. Hilarity ensues and I enjoyed the hell out of this one ^-^

Also also. Come Morning Light by misscoconi. Post-Calamity, they are both idiots (affectionate) and I am starting to realize that I have a bit of a pattern in my taste in Revalink fics. Huh. I'll unpack that later actually.

Skybound Wishes by Baddrummer is unfinished (unlike most of the fics I've recommended here) but y'all. Y'all it makes me lose my shit in so many ways because I am a SLUT for creative fix-it fics and gratuitous weaving-in of references to other games in ways that still respect the established canon but respect all of it, y'know, not just doing the TOTK thing of "actually nothing pre-BOTW matters anymore and neither does BOTW lol."

...I am starting to realize there may be a reason why I don't have a lot of TOTK recs. Also if this post is starting to sound unhinged and disconnected that's probably because I'm bouncing between Tumblr and studying for one of my finals like a ping pong ball.

But I do have one really, really big fic rec for TOTK. Y'all should check out Show Me the World Outside by IllusionOfDeath. The Sages get to do things, the Divine Beasts don't just vanish without a word, the Champions get actual recognition, and you can tell that the author is the Linguistics Georg (affectionate) of the fanfic world.

Anyway I think I will shill myself a bit too since you gave me permission to anon! If you read no other Zelda fics by me, may I recommend no one ever mentions fear, a fic that... it really was, in a lot of ways, a love letter to the fics in the fandom that I'd read and loved before. You've got the Champions getting to live and have nice things, you've got Revali being a dumbass (affectionate), you've got gay shit, you've got Problems Being Caused by the Yiga Clan in the background.

...Oh god this post is getting. A little longer than I meant for it to I've realized. Um. I love fanfic and tbh if you end up reading everything I've recced and still want more, my bookmarks on AO3 are public and I tend to bookmark just about everything I've read and liked enough to want to find again.

......I should probably get back to studying now but thank you for the ask! I like rambling lol

#hopeposting #askbox #anonymous #fanfic things

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nixie-deangel · 4 months ago

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I've got permission to be greedy! ♥️ So that's exactly what I'm gonna be!

🦇🦇🦇 - I love dynamics between Jake and Bradley in this one. With Jake being a vampire and still somehow a step behind Bradley 😂.

🍼🍼🍼- non-navy Bradley ( or really either of them, when it's only one) is my cryptonite.

💔💔💔💔- it's my biggest problem with established icemav in fics! Couldn't help I was always thinking ' Ice would NEVER let that happened !'

🐺🐺🐺🐺- Protective husband Jake! I remember reading that fic and thinking I want more!!!

🔥🔥🔥🔥- Jake in this situation is just 🤌

🥹🥹🥹- abo has been my guilty pleasure for years! And there's never enough hangster in it! ( Plus I love when it's obvious that alphas are just humans as well )

😎😎😎- ach Bradley 🤣🤣🤣🤣

✍️✍️✍️- can I wrap Bradley with my blanket into the little burrito in this one? Please? Or better, can Jake do it?

😭- I'm not in right headspace for a lot of sadness but I still wanna know a bit more about this Jake. He deserves someone who will read his story and share his pain.

💐💐💐- their relationship is so soft in this one. I'm afraid to think what's gonna happened when Bradley finds out 🫣

🤯🤯🤯- I'm curious! Maybe I'll get new fandom from this 🤯

🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷- it's for your new idea 😅 ( feel totally free to change emoji to whatever, I hope I haven't overstepped). Jake's family causing their breakup. This is me asking for sneak peak ♥️

Of course you don't have to write everything today ( or at all) ! It's so impressive how much you already written this weekend! But they are all amazing and I just couldn't help myself 😅

This got long lol so it's all under the cut! Absolutely stealing the wine glass emoji for that one though! XD it fits so well!!

🦇 vampire jake/human bradley - hangster

“You truly have come to make a deal with the devil, haven’t you?” Jake asks teasingly, watching as the teen before him doesn’t cow or duck his head to avoid Jake’s gaze. No, the boy stands his ground, staring directly into his gaze like he isn’t afraid in the least. “All the options in the world, and you come askin’ for this without any idea of the things that could be asked of you in return.” Though Jake knows that isn’t true, considering he can smell the fear wafting off the boy. Can still smell it really, even though he’d gotten them out of the club and into the alleyway before anyone else had been able to truly lay eyes on him. “I’m doing what I have to to save my mom,” the boy blusters with more bravado than Jake is sure he truly feels. Humming, he gives a single nod as he lets his eyes rake over him before stepping closer, letting his voice drop down so no human or baby fledgling would be able to hear. “Then, darlin’, I do believe we can strike an accord between us.” It’s only the centuries of experience he has that keeps Jake from taking what is not on offer as he watches the young man, the teenager, the boy before him, flush such a lovely pink Jake’s words.

🍼 non navy bradley/fighter pilot jake as parents - hangster

“So how’s my favorite girl in the world doing?” Bradley snorts, leaning his head back against the couch as he listens to his husband, “Throwing a tantrum because she can’t be both a navy pilot and a firefighter for Halloween, like she wants to.” He can feel some of the tension he’d been carrying around leech from his shoulders at the sound of Jake’s laughter echoing down the line of their phone call. It’d been far too long since he’d been able to hear it. To hear him. “Yeah, well your sisters are trying to convince me to let her be both and that they’ll take her around dressed as both in different neighborhoods, so she can score twice as much.” “Junie and Jenna I assume?” “Surprisingly, Jane and Joyce are the biggest supporters of the scheme.” “That is surprising,” Jake agrees. “Figured those two hardasses would be the most against it, considering what stickler for the rules they are.” “Pretty sure it’s just ‘cause they both bought her a costume each and are refusing to back down unless they come out the winner.”

💔 icemav break up / icedad

“Then get out of my house!” Carole screamed, face flushed with anger and disappointment, with hurt and fear. “Out! If you won’t do what I want, then get out! I won’t do it again! I will not go through it again!” Ice sees the way Mav flinches back at Carole’s words. But he freezes at the way Bradley’s face has gone slack in surprise, in hurt. Sees the way the teenager’s eyes go big and round, the way they water at his mother’s words, at her anger that’s never been directed at him in such a visceral, harsh way before. He watches the way Bradley swallows, once and then again before he gives a singular sharp nod, spinning on his heel and walking out of the living room. It’s only a moment later he hears him thundering up the steps and slamming into his bedroom. “Carole,” Mav whispers her name brokenly. “No,” she snaps, head whipping around, so her glares now directed at him. “No. No, I won’t do it again. If he wants to throw his life away, then I’m done, Mav. I’m done.”

🐺 shifter au - hangster

this continues directly from this snippet!

“You always this big of an asshole?” Bradley bit back, face flushed in anger as he glared at the other man. “Or are you just being extra because I’m special? “Course it’s ‘cause you’re special, honey,” Jake grinned, big and bright as he took a step closer to Bradley. “Darlin’, ain’t anyone ever tell you that? Cause if not, shame on every person who’s ever had the pleasure o’ meetin’ ya.” Though Jake felt his lips curl down into a frown as his brow furrowed at the way Bradley flinched from his words. At the way his shoulders hunched and he seemed to curl in on himself. Head tilting to the side, he raked his gaze along the tall, lean but surprisingly broad shouldered form of Bradley Bradshaw. “Well that won’t do. No, no, that won’t do at all, honey.” “What won’t do?” “You think you’re anything but special,” Jake answered, voice firm and serious as he stared into Bradley’s big old cow eyes. “Don’t worry none now, darlin’, I’ll make sure you don’t ever forget how special I know you truly are.”

🔥 virgin jake - hangster

“And this,” his guardian and private tutor, an elderly man whom Jake knows to have a bit of bite to him, calls as another steps into his private rooms, “will be your personal guard until your lord takes you.” Rolling his eyes as he turns, Jake readies a snide, biting remark for the unfortunate soul destined to keep himself until his patron takes him, claiming him, only to find the words dying on his tongue as he truly takes in the man before him. He’s tall, maybe even taller than Jake himself is. Though he is lean but broad in the shoulders. Long dark honey curls sit atop his head, falling into his face as he moves a large hand to brush them aside. A mattering of scars could be seen on his left cheek and along his throat—Jake wondered what sort of monstrous creature could leave such scars on a vampire because surely the man before him could only be such a creature. Jake wanted to let out a whine, a whimper as he took the other man in but held it back. Instead, he let his lips twist into a haughty sneer as he eyed the other. “One would think my patron would have insisted on something better to guard me.” The man let out a low, raspy chuckle as he raked his gaze along Jake’s silk covered body—it was only decorum that kept him from shivering as if he could truly feel the man’s touch through his dark eyes—and answered softly after a moment with an incline of his head. “I can assure you, little human, your Lord insisted on only the best for his coveted courtesan.”

🥺 chap2 of helper - a/b/o hangster

“You don’t need to stay,” Jake mumbles, eyes barely flickering up to Bradley’s face before they quickly dart down to stare at his hands, where they were curled into fists laying limping in his lap. He can’t bear to let his gaze linger. Couldn’t take it if he saw anything that resembled hatred or anger or fear. If he saw that on Bradley’s face, or in his eyes, or heard it in his voice, Jake was positive he’d actually shatter into thousands of pieces. “Yeah, well, I don’t think you get a say in if I stay or not right now, Jake,” Bradley answers tersely. Though he sighs almost immediately before taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I never took you off my papers,” he says after a beat of silence. “I’m sure you wanted me too, with how shit ended between us but you were and still are the only alpha I want touching me when I’m like that.” “You should have,” Jake whispers brokenly. “You should have taken me off, cause all I seem to do is hurt you.” “Baby,” Bradley breathes out, dropping to his knees to kneel in front of Jake. “The only way you hurt me was by driving me away. By acting like you didn’t love me.”

😎 win a date with jake - hangster

continuing from this ask!

“I’m glad I caught you though,” Jake flashed him a grin. “Ran outta there so fast before we could exchange numbers to plan our next date.” Blinking, Bradley couldn’t help but stare dumbfounded at Jake before he blurted out, “You want a second date?!” Only to pale at the way Jake suddenly jerked back at his question. “Do you not want to go on one with me?” Jake asks, face falling as he moves to take a step back. “Of course,” Bradley rushed to reassure him, his hand shooting out to stall Jake's movements. “I just. Well I just didn’t think you’d ever want to go out. With me. With me again that is,” he babbled, floundering as he tried to get his thoughts in order at the unexpected boon of getting another date with Jake. Another chance to make up for what a complete and total asshole he’d spent the night being. “Why wouldn’t I?” Jake asked, head tilting to the side as he stared at Bradley in confusion. “You were absolutely adorable the entire night. And you were unexpectedly sexy on top of that. Why wouldn’t I want to see more of you? To see if this is just a blip on the radar or something more?”

✍🏻 insecure bradley - hangster

“How can you think that?” Jake asks, voice cracking halfway through. “Honey, how can you possibly believe that?” “I’m sorry,” Bradley whispers wetly. “I’m sorry. I-I-I-I know, okay? I know this isn’t what you want from me,” he rushes to explain. To let Jake know Bradley understands what's going on between them. That Bradley doesn’t have any delusions about what they are, what Bradley truly is to him. What he meant to him. “Br-Bradley,” Jake starts, breaking halfway around a sob that he just barely stops in time. It takes him a moment of clearing his throat, of getting himself back under control before he can continue on. “Honey, what do you think is going on here? Between us?”

😭 jake doesn't deal with bradley's death - hangster

“No,” Jake shakes his head, eyes frantically flickering between Javy and Natasha. “No. No there is. There has to be some mistake. No. No he is, he is not gone. Do you hear me? He is not gone!”

💐 serial killer Jake - hangster

Bradley can’t help but turn slowly, entirely stunned as he sees the open spacious apartment Jake had insisted they view. “You. I. What?” “Do you like it?” Jake asks, eyeing the space with a harsh glare, as if he was ready to agree with whatever little thing found he didn’t like about it. “Jake. Jake, this is an entire floor. This apartment is an entire floor. To live in. I. What?” “But do you like it?” he asks again. “Do you think we’d like it here? For it to be ours.”

🤯 Random inbox prompt (1 through 26) - various ships/fandoms

This is a coldflash inbox prompt I'm working on and a continuation from this ask!

“I’m certain, Scarlet, I could sex my way out of anything with you,” Len teases back in a sultry drawl. “‘sides, this,” he pauses to wave his hand around the cheery Christmas decorations around their apartment, “is far more yours and your besides thing, than mine. We don’t celebrate much, beyond lighting the menorah Lisa got me a few years ago.” Though his lips curved into a frown as he watched the way Barry seemed to deflate slightly at his comment. “What?” “Nothing,” Barry answers around a forced grin before he goes back to fiddling with the stand of garland he’d just put up. “If…if it’s too much. Or a bother. We don’t have to host the party here? I can. I mean, we can hold it at the labs instead. So that, that we don’t need all of this up and bothering you in our home.”

🍷 Jake's family causes the hangster break up

directly follows from this ask!

“Oh,” Bradley breathed out slowly as stared at nothing before seeming to come back to himself. He knew this day would come. Had honestly expected it to come sooner. Though maybe it had, and he’d just missed it being stationed out in Japan while Jake was more often deployed to the Middle East or the carriers that did go as far as he was stationed. That was probably it. He’d probably actually missed the first man Jake had rebounded with after Bradley had left him. He’d probably gotten all his angry feelings out about Bradley with a string of idiots only good enough to make Jake forget the name Bradley Bradshaw. Had probably fucked around enough he couldn’t remember Bradley’s touch or the way he’d once made Jake feel when they were in bed together. He was probably glad for it. For not having to remember Bradley, not his touch or his love. Swallowing around the tightness of his throat, he finally gave the tiniest nod to show he’d heard Javy. That he understood and didn’t need any further explanation about it. “N-no worries, Coyote,” Bradley croaks out before pausing to clear his throat. “Read you. No problems from me, man,” he breathes out, desperate to reassure Jake’s best friend that he wouldn’t cause any problems for him. For his future.

Make Nixie Write This Weekend!

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