#however comma it takes big brain energy that I do not have

[atherix]

What is the current year the fic is set in? I know it’s been 10,000 years since the last Warden appearance, but I’m assuming it’s some time after that for society to pick itself up enough to start counting years ago, and I’m curious how long that was. Is the year like 8217, or like 5742, or even as recent as 3108??

Also what’s the calendar like? Is it basically similar to Earth with 12 months of about 30 days each or like. Is it different??

And back to the years thing again - do we get to know how long ago/how long after the Warden was it when Grian and Jimmy (and Gem 👀👀) parted for the last time? I’m assuming it’s somewhere between 3000-7000 years ago/years after the Warden but I’m curious to hear if we get a more specific time frame.

Thanks so much!!

I need you to know I have a whole ramble on this in my drafts where I'm trying to figure everything out. I shot myself in the foot by making everything super vague hgfhjjk SO BEAR WITH ME AS I RAMBLE ABOUT THIS

So Mumbo was born in 3998 and it's been ALMOST five hundred years since he was born, but not quite. I did a lot of math that is incomprehensible now and both Belle and I landed at the current year being roughly 4487 at the start of Midnight in which Tubbo is still 17; he turns 18 during Midnight Lies, still in 4487 a few months after Grian meets Mumbo, and 20 during Midnight Alley, which means a little more than 2 years has passed, so the current year is placed in ~4489. (this also means at least one year has passed between Midnight Lies and Midnight Visit, since Tubbo was 19 in Visit lol). This means they started counting years again nearly 5,000 years after the Warden happened.

So, remember; Boatem was founded 2,000 years ago (roughly 2400's), and the Hermetian kingdom was founded four hundred years later, around the 2800's. Yet Scar describes Boatem as being one of the oldest settlements on the continent, with the people from Boatem having come from across the sea. Yet they've been counting years for nearly 5,000 years, and we know the Ancients were settled on this continent 10,000+ years ago, and there were people who survived the Wardens...

So what happened to the survivors' settlements? Why is it that in 10,000 years, one of the oldest settlements on the entire continent is only two thousand years old? Well...

Strongholds are above Ancient Cities. Desert temples, jungle temples, ocean monuments, the ruins Drowned are often found around... well, where did they come from? They're all younger than the Ancient Cities, yet older than current society. These were all once marks of civilizations that no longer exist

Something happened in those ten thousand years that reset society again :) And whatever that was is what people are counting from. It wasn't as big as the Warden, ofc, but it was bad enough that few cities or villages or settlements from before it survived, and those that did were often abandoned for the even older, bigger, stronger cities that would prove to withstand time.

ANYWAY I GOT SIDETRACKED BY SOMETHING THAT ISN'T EVEN IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT um-

So I know while they age the same way we do in line with their years (for example an 80 year old Hermetian looks like an 80 year old person from Earth) their years are longer than ours, and their seasons are fucked because their world doesn't work like ours (for example, their moon moves just like the sun, always opposite of it. Makes you wonder where the moonlight comes from *coughGodsarerealcough*) so they can't even judge the years by the seasons. The only thing that changes, besides the phases of the moon, are the stars, so they have to judge their years on the stars (is Midnight heavy in star imagery? Yes, yes it is). Where is this constellation now? and that sort of thing.

NOW HERE'S THE REAL PROBLEM. I basically already established that their days run on a 24 hour clock. So there's 24 hours in a day. How many days are in a week? How many weeks in a month? How many months in a year?

... These are things that I never established, even to myself. I know I want their years to be longer than ours, but not significantly. I just need to figure out where the extra time comes from, and how it's broken down into smaller units. Like we know Scar's rounds took him 2 weeks when he was still delivering blood, and he would deliver to Mumbo once every three months. I already established once every three months is roughly 4 times a year, so the extra time can't have more than ~14 months in it or much less than 12, but we don't know how months are broken into days and weeks and stuff so. I need to. Figure that out. I'm leaning towards a 13 month system just because I think it's funny to use 13 but I could just stick with twelve with each month being longer, base ten is a very common... well, base, so maybe a system of 10 days per week, which if we kept at 4 weeks in a month would be ~40 days and if we add a week ~50 which at 12 months a year would be 480-600 days in a year bUT-

As for how long after the Warden it was when Jimmy and Grian and Gem left the Alley, well 👀 That will actually be revealed in the next chapter.

[bloody-wonder]

Until now, have you found any couple (canon or non canon) from any media (books, tv series, movies, anime/manga, etc) that the dynamics remind you of Neil/Andrew and Damen/Laurent?

if you're looking for dynamics specifically (as opposed to a full romance arc) the lymond chronicles, the queen's thief and empire of the vampire will scratch that damen/laurent itch.

it's common knowledge, at least in my niche circles, that cs pacat is a big fan of dorothy dunnett's work, that laurent is based on lymond and that his relationship with damen (down to specific scenes) was inspired by lymond's numerous boytoys. so reading the lymond chronicles after captive prince is constantly going aha! *leonardo dicaprio pointing meme*. what these books however don't have is a full romance arc with any of those men which is why you could say capri is, in a sense, a slash fic of the lymond chronicles. it's my favorite series of all time and i can't recommend it enough but it's also rather inaccessible in the beginning and has a steep learning curve - quite a commintment of your time and brain energy but so SO worth it!

the queen's thief is another series heavily inspired by the lymond chronicles and it has multiple ships that reminded me of damen/laurent: gen's love interest is very much a cast iron bitch and they do engage in an intense enemies to lovers romance, with some casualties. costis and kamet's story in thick as thieves is basically if the side quests laurent and damen went on were a whole separate book. and while not a canon romance like the previous two, whatever gen and costis have going on in the king of attolia is very reminiscent of the laurent/damen dynamic in book one (minus the slavery). two things to keep in mind if you decide to pick up the queen's thief: it's sort of ya (??) so the brutality and sexiness, while present, will not be on the same level as capri. and book one doesn't feature any of the above ships so, again, you gotta commit to the whole thing :)

now, while these two recs seem like no-brainers to me, i'm very excited to take this opportunity to yell about empire of the vampire from the rooftops AGAIN!! eotv is basically a story about epic quests and valiant deeds told by a jaded captive vampire hunter to his cunty vampire captor (who is blonde bc yes). jean françois is definitely inspired by anne rice's lestat (as the narrative format as a whole is inspired by interview with the vampire) but his dynamic with gabriel is just Peak Laurent/Damen Banter. "i speak your language better than you speak mine, sweetheart" and "hello, lover" galore! in fact, after i found out that pacat and jay kristoff know each other personally i became convinced that he had either read capri and borrowed the vibe OR *starts rambling about her conspiracy theory about how all australian fantasy authors drink secret australian magic juice that makes them write fun depraved sff, gets smacked on the head, passes out* where was i... ah yes, nasty gay vampires. eotv is very fun and very tropey, also very queer and sexy (esp book two) and it had my toxic yaoi needs covered however comma. jean françois/gabriel is basically them sitting in a room in the frame narrative and exchanging homoerotic barbs, while the story itself is about gabriel's past adventures (also very interesting but less homoerotic). it's unlikely that they're gonna have any sort of romance arc - unless someone reads the books and writes a fic of them. please.

alas, i still can't rec anything that comes close to what nora achieved with andreil. to me, the defining characteristics of their dynamic are two feral cats circling and sniffing each other, intricate rituals, overdramatic dialogue, aspec attraction (on neil's part). while one can attempt to find some of these elements in other stories, you cannot find all of them at once (aspec pov on relationships being particularly rare in fiction). there's just no other couple that manages to strike a perfect balance between the anime levels of drama and chaos on the one hand and the serious themes of trauma, acceptance, consent etc on the other hand. sorry, anon, ig we'll have to keep re-reading aftg until one of the aspiring authors i bet this fandom has a lot of writes their own book inspired by andreil🤷‍♀️

[aion-rsa]

Psych 2: Lassie Come Home Easter Egg and Reference Guide

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The following contains spoilers for Psych 2: Lassie Come Home.

As fun as 2017’s Psych: The Movie was, its 2020 sequel Psych 2: Lassie Come Home will likely supplant it in Psych-Os’ hearts, because it’s got 500% more Carlton Lassiter (Timothy Omundson). But how does it stack up to its predecessor in terms of Psych callbacks and pop culture homages? Using our Spencer powers of observation, we’ve tried to catch every recurring inside joke between Shawn (James Roday Rodriguez) and Gus (Dulé Hill), plus all the episodic-specific bits. It’s a feature-length Hitchcock homage, but it’s also the toughest Easter egg hunt of your life. C’mon, son!

Psych 2: Lassie Come Home Easter Eggs and References

The title is a reference to Lassie Come Home, the 1943 Lassie movie about the beloved dog making her way home from Scotland. A German-language remake came out early in 2020.

It’s always a treat to hear the Psych theme song “I Know, You Know,” performed by creator Steve Franks and his band The Friendly Indians.

Lassiter wakes up to Shawn and Gus hovering above him at the recovery clinic is a throwback to when they kidnapped him for his bachelor party in “Deez Nups” and he came to with them screaming “Surpriiise!”

Morrissey the rescue dog reprises his role from Psych: The Movie in being adorable, incredibly nosy, and oblivious to Shawn’s hissing commands.

Sarah Chalke’s nurse character Dolores is most likely a nod to San Francisco’s Mission Dolores church and cemetery, the location for Carlotta Valdes’ grave in Vertigo.

Right out the gate, Dolores is treated to the requisite Gus nickname: “My name is Shawn Spencer, and this is my partner Bill Poopingtons.” However, Shawn and Gus take a sidebar for a very meta argument about their ongoing bit (while fitting in another bit):

“Gus, don’t be the night your dad fell asleep inside your mom. We can’t just stop doing bits we’ve been doing for ten years. We have fans, they have expectations, there’ll be a huge backlash.”

“Shawn, we are two dumbasses, we do not have fans.”

Compromise: Gus gets right of refusal until they land on a nickname he prefers. And so:

Bill Poopingtons > All the Pips in One

Ding-Dong Ditch > Claude O’Dern > Big Poppa Pump > Lemon-a Lemon-a Lemon-a Liiime

Leggo My Eggo > Norman Brown Butter > Dijon Hounsou

Gus also calls himself Jermajesty, channeling some Jackson Five energy.

“Black Jello” was Gus’ nickname in their adult dodgeball league.

The Herschel House is likely a nod to Herschel Daugherty, who directed over two dozen episodes of Alfred Hitchcock Presents…

Gus and Shawn are still bickering over driving the drivers ed car, even if we don’t see it in the movie. They do manage to be just as bad at turning the right direction when riding a motorcycle together.

“Now I know this ‘goofy little white guy/sexy black dude’ routine the two of you have going like the back of my scrubs.” Sarah Chalke played Elliot on Scrubs, whose JD/Turk bromance walked so that Shawn/Gus could run.

Shawn calls Dolores “the nurse from Color of Night,” the 1994 Bruce Willis erotic mystery thriller that won a Golden Raspberry for Worst Picture.

The boys get Jamba Juice because you never turn down an opportunity for a Jamba.

Shawn likens Gus’ pubic hair to Eddie Murphy’s mustache in his 1987 stand-up film Raw.

Shawn offers the dismembered hand to Gus to “knuck it up softly,” per their penchant for fist-bumping. 

They later do fist-bump outside the old Psych offices, but not before channeling Han Solo and Chewbacca in Star Wars: The Force Awakens: “Gus, we’re home.” “[Wookiee sound]”

Psych has become a French-themed cat café… for now, at least. It’s not an alternative universe from Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, but the current subletter’s pop-up business. The proprietor (not the girl from Orphan) is played by Allison Miller, James Roday Rodriguez’s co-star in A Million Little Things.

“I am a psychic. He is a sympathetic pooper.” Poor Gus’ intestinal system gets called out again.

Henry’s (Corbin Bernsen) put-on voice gets compared to Tom Waits, Kathleen Turner, Harvey Fierstein, and Diedrich Bader.

Shawn neglected to tell his landlord that he’d moved, which tracks with his behavior in the series finale “The Break-Up.”

Henry reveals that in addition to telenovelas, he enjoys zeitgeist-y sobfests: “You left behind a slow cooker with a three-pound roast in it. You nearly This Is Us-ed the entire block.”

“This Is Us—Dad, why are you watching that show? They have the same show on ABC but newer”: Shawn’s shoutout to A Million Little Things.

Lassiter mistakes Reese Kessler, his supposed shooter, for country music singer Conway Twitty.

Lassiter’s to-do list includes “tape Galavant,” the short-lived musical comedy fantasy series created by Dan Fogelman (This Is Us), in which Timothy Omundson played King Richard. It also includes items poking fun at Lassiter’s crankiness (“yell at nature,” “chirping bird d-day plan”) and tenacity (“solve black dahlia”), and heartstring-tugging items (“pre-register for ironman” as in the triathlon). He also has written down Shawn’s S.E.I.Z.E. mantra from his short-lived career as Lassiter’s life coach in “S.E.I.Z.E. the Day”: Seize Eggs I don’t know Zebra Eighties.

Juliet (Maggie Lawson) lying to Shawn sounds strange, though not as strange as Lupita Nyong’o—the Tethered Lupita—in Jordan Peele’s Us.

Shawn’s “romantic dinner” for Jules is the menu from A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (jelly beans, pretzels, buttered toast, popcorn, and ice cream sundaes) because it’s all they had at the gas station on the way home.

That prompts an iconic “C’mon, son!” from Gus.

Gus’ ringtone is “I’m Mr. Bootyman,” which is both Henry’s ringtone and the song featured in Buzz McNab’s bachelorette party stripper routine in “Deez Nups.”

Gus’ (technically Jules’) green snuggie bears a striking resemblance to official Psych contest merch.

Lassiter spotting mysterious bleeding figures out his window is an homage to Rear Window.

Richard Schiff (as Dr. Herschel) was Dulé Hill’s co-star in The West Wing.

Potterhead Gus wants to know if there are any people hiding in the pipes of the Herschel House, “speaking in their own tongue, perhaps Parsel.”

The Psych boys’ map of suspects briefly includes the Hell Hag from Gus’ dreams in “A Nightmare on State Street.”

Shawn has only been to Norway once with his brother-in-law Ewan O’Hara (John Cena), but they don’t talk about that… Maybe that’s where Psych: The Movie went after its cliffhanger ending?

Ova’s Norwegian song/chant toast at the Viking’s Ice Den is very similar to the Swedish toast in “Right Turn or Left for Dead.”

Ova’s violent son Per is first described as “the bearded Daryl Hannah.”

Shawn’s excuse to Detective Buzz McNab (Sage Brocklebank) for being in Santa Barbara is that he forgot a frisbee signed by German writer/director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck.

Shawn’s first reaction to Jules potentially being pregnant: “You know the windows in the loft don’t even fully close, right? I’m gonna have to replace them, otherwise this is Baby’s Day Out all over again.” As Gus reassures him, he always did get worked up over John Hughes’ worst idea.

At the old Psych offices, Shawn pulls out the jousting lance from “100 Clues”—as well as a pineapple! He looks about to ask, “Should we cut this up for the road?” (his question during the pineapple’s first appearance in the pilot, plus at the end of Psych: The Movie) but stops himself.

When Lassie believes that fellow patient Mr. Wilkerson (Kadeem Hardison) has been walking around, Shawn and Gus have to go “full Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” to interrogate the supposedly catatonic patient.

Shoutout to Jessie Spano’s infamous “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so scared!” speed speech from Saved by the Bell.

If it’s not Scrubs, the boys are getting compared to Ren and Stimpy.

Mary Lightly (Jimmi Simpson) returns in another incredible, extra-hallucinatory look into Shawn’s brain… this time as a baby, since Shawn’s got fatherhood on the brain.

“We got jackaled!” Gus shouts upon learning that Wilkerson can walk—a reference to “hitting the jackal switch,” or going into stealth mode.

Shawn has always had a thing for singer Jewel, even after the Civil War movie (1999’s Ride with the Devil) and the Bollywood song.

Of course there’s a nasty dance when Shawn and Gus figure out who they think is behind everything.

Gus declares that “I am not going to let you shoot Shules’ baby!” only for the Chief (Kirsten Nelson) to ask, “What’s a Shules?” That’s the fans’ name for Shawn/Jules, a cute nod to a series OTP.

And of course, we can’t forget the fact that Jazmyn Simon, who plays Selene, is Dulé Hill’s real-life wife.

More than once, Shawn quotes The Handmaid’s Tale in reference to Gus and Selene’s baby: “Praise be” and “Blessed is the fruit.”

Dolores compliments Lassiter’s “chest of hair plentiful enough to wake all of Destiny’s Child.”

Shawn comes up with possible names for Gus’ child: Shaft, Shaftie, or D’Shaft—just like Gus’ nickname Sh’Dynasty (with a “God’s comma,” or apostrophe) from “Santabarbaratown.”

They also both coo “c’mon son” to Selene’s womb.

Selene’s proposal to Gus includes his negotiation that he and Shawn have adjacent homes with connecting pools, a callback to Shawn and Gus talking about their dream setup in “The Break-Up”; as well as Pluto! She asks, “Will you make me the happiest woman on this planet, on Eres, and Pluto?”

Shawn tells Juliet that “you’re my person,” the iconic Grey’s Anatomy line (though one would argue that Gus more accurately is his person).

When Lassiter stands (shut up, you’re crying) to meet Marlowe (Kristy Swanson), they place their palms together—like they did when he would visit her in jail, like they did at their wedding. My heart.

Join us on the Easter egg hunt—let us know what references we missed!

The post Psych 2: Lassie Come Home Easter Egg and Reference Guide appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[the-avariea]

Starting Your First Draft

Hello, my boos~ Today we are going to have a nice chat about how to get started on your first draft. First drafts will always seem hard to start off or continue, so I hope this post helps all that stuggle or would just like some extra help.

Where to Start?

Simply put, start where you are the most inspired. The first draft is the perfect time to start where ever the heck you want. Do you want to start at chapter 25? Start at chapter 25! There is no need for it to coincide as the first draft is really just a vomit of words to make up a plot. This is why you will edit the draft and then start the second one, which is another story. Do you want to write that ending to the story that has been plaguing your mind at night? Write it! Go absolutely crazy on this draft, and don't worry much about how it is going; just write that story.

Spill The Tea

What I mean by "Spill The Tea" is to have an idea brain dump. You can do this in many ways, and I will list some of them so you get the general idea of the method.

Grab some sticky notes, a pen, an empty table--like a desk or a counter, some erase markers, and a whiteboard (optional). This is my favorite way to do brain dumps; first, you will just grab a marker and splatter all your ideas down onto the whiteboard, this way, you aren't wasting paper, and you can think if this is a solid idea or not. (if you optioned for no whiteboard, feel free to go right to the sticky notes!) Once you have ideas you actually like, transfer them to sticky notes, which you will then place on the table. You can use different colored sticky notes for different scenes, character development ideas, scene changes, etc. It would be a good idea to have a legend for what each color means somewhere. The concept of the table is once you have them all laid out, you can put them in a timeline sort of list, or you can put them into a notebook that will now just contain all the scenes/ideas you have.

Spill The Tea Cnt.

Here you will want to open a blank document and then create a legend at the top—after properly labeling the document, of course. The legend can be anything. The idea is to just have it in case you would like to use it after the brain dump. I use the legend as a label for what each highlighter color is for and then a small note that bold is accepted ideas. You can select any type of bullet point list and just go crazy. Start typing every idea that comes to your mind, doesn't matter if you like it or not at that moment; leave that choice up to future you. The concept of this brain dump method is better than the sticky notes as you can access it at any moment and save on paper usage; also, the organization is easier with the ability to "cut," "copy," and "paste."

This one, you can simply grab a notebook—or some loose-leaf paper, a pen, and some highlighters/colored pens (optional). This idea is for the people that don't really want to do either of the two but would still like to brain dump. The idea is the same as the first two, have a legend for the colors if you are going to use them, and then grab that pen and splatter that ink across the page. Go insane with ideas!

Formatting

Did you know that the first draft could just be a bullet list on a document of summaries for the scenes in chronological order? It is like the "Spill The Tea" method without the brain dump style; the bullet list version is just small paragraphs that involve the characters, setting, and what is going on. No dialogue, no excessive descriptions, just a summary. This opens more opportunities to the second draft, where you will know what you want to write, and you will have a bigger idea of how many chapters your WIP could have.

There is also the format of actually writing, many people go for this, but I want to say for the first draft, I wouldn't worry too much over how detailed that description is or how much info you put into it, as you know in your mind how everything is. Leave the detailing for the second or third draft and just write that story. However, if you are like me and forget everything, add those details in small sentences, don't go super into it; just a few sentences of what the setting is supposed to be will work. I usually would add them in parentheses or do a small paragraph when a setting or important character look is introduced.

Plot

Let's be honest here, do you have the idea of the entire plot or just the general point? It's pretty rare for most writers just getting into the first draft to actually have the whole plot, and that it's a bad thing! This is why we have drafts!

First things first, you really need to think about how you want this to end. Is the WIP going to end tragically? Happy? Once you figure that out, it's good to think about how you want this to end. If you are going tragic, what is making this WIP tragic? It is going to be a plot twist or something being lead up to it? If you are going happy, the same idea. Also, will it be a series or a stand-alone? A cliffhanger? This is just a good starting point to have so you know how to plan out the rest of the novel.

Like the ending, you should know the beginning; how does the character get launched into this plot? The beginning is the most integral part of the plot; the MC becomes intertwined with the story and the big problem. The beginning should be able to introduce the problem, some of the main characters, the setting, and some other obstacles. Even if you have the general idea of the beginning, it's good to go more into it, but even the simple idea will work out great as this is the first draft.

Characters

The first draft is the best time to make characters and develop that list! The first character to develop, of course, would be the main character, the protagonist. Creating the protagonist is vital to the plot as well as they are the most important character next to the antagonist. The first draft can really help you develop traits, weaknesses, fatal flaws, main goals or dreams, etc. And this is for all characters. Even if you just want to add a new character and even see if they would work out, this is the perfect time for that.

It is also essential to also develop the opposing character, the antagonist. These are the people the protagonist will be in constant battle with. They are the main obstacle of the entire story. A well-developed villain is essential to the story; this is why this is the perfect time to thoroughly thaw them out and think about who they are.

Add as many characters or as few characters you want, in the second draft or in editing, and if you feel like the character adds nothing to the plot, cut them; just go crazy with it and have fun.

Outlining

If you are like me, a plantser, you probably have some type of outline hidden away and only refer back to it once or twice in the entire process. However, having an outline can be very beneficial, even if you are just a pantser. Plotters probably have an outline they refer to all the time, mainly because of how helpful it really is. Outlines are there to think out what each chapter is for, where each character is, etc., it is like the brain dump, but more thought out and planned. Outlining is also for developing your characters, your settings, certain arcs, problems, etc. Outlining really does go into depth and it's why many writers actually outline.

Taking Breaks

Taking a break or having a break is not a horrible thing to do. In fact, I encourage it, as long as you swear to return back to the WIP. Even if the break lasts from 15 minutes to a good few months, breaks are a-okay. You are a writer; even if you do not write every day, you deserve a little recovery time. So, go and take that break, drink some water, gain back that lost energy and return better than ever.

Should You Edit?

In the first draft, do not edit. At least, not until you are in the editing phase or second/third draft. You don't have to care if the sentences make sense or if there are grammar issues; just make sure that you, the writer, can understand what you are writing and move on. Editing can often cause writers to fall behind in where they want to be simply because that single sentence you found isn't good enough. So no, you can not go back to add a comma to that one sentence plaguing your mind. No, do not go back to that dialogue that you thought was genuinely horrible—just move on. This is why we have more than one draft.

[thereoncewereflwrs]

in where my body is an anthology, and literature knows more about people then we do

Today I feel ugly, my facial features angular and put together in a way that makes me feel like someone cut pieces of faces from a magazine and placed them together to create me. My clothes feel confining, probably because I haven’t worn regular clothes since lockdown and probably because I’m fat and most of my clothes fit this way anyway. Today I crave a discipline my body and mind cannot give, and this desire makes me melancholy and agitated. I keep thinking about this boy - or man, because he’s over 25 and at this stage even if we don’t feel like adults we are still deemed thus by society - who sent me a link to a tumblr page at 4 in the morning last night. I had been asleep, going to bed as early as 6 or 7 these days with little energy spent, but had woken up to the link and a casual text forewarning of nudity. The post, titled “why chloe moretz eating spaghetti from wooden boxes? why everyone lookin in the camera?? WHY SOME DUDE SUCKIN DICK???” (linked) had several comments below the picture (which showed exactly what was titled - Chloe Moretz eating spaghetti, several people in the room looking directly at the camera, and two dudes in the back, with their pants down, glimpsing over their shoulders at the camera while one of them received oral stimulation by another man). The comments all posed questions about the absurdity of this picture, revealing pieces of it to be false or photoshopped, and finally presenting the “legitimate” picture of the two men receiving blow jobs, that culminated in a scene with a large black bear walking casually by as they did. I’m confused by this, and if I’m honest, I’m also disturbed. It’s not that I’m without a sense of humor. Most of the time I believe my humor to be flexible and sarcastic, as long as it’s not offensive or insensitive. But like most of the absurdities of men, I’m confounded as to where the humor of such a post lies. Is it the homosexual blow job itself? Is it the actress consuming a meal in public? Or the fact that someone decided to photoshop such random components together in an attempt towards the casualness of such absurdity? Clearly there is something humorous about this, otherwise it wouldn’t have received such attention (241,846 notes on tumblr), and I’m left thinking that maybe I’m more ordinary and less obscene in my character after all. But beyond that, I wonder why this man decided to send me this at the time that he did. How did he come upon the link? And why, at a time when you can presume a stranger to be asleep, did he think of me and decide to send it? 

We had met only once before, and had been talking casually for the last couple of weeks. This mostly consisted of me listening to him talk about how tired, stressed and hopeless he was about the current state of his life and the world in general. It has not been an unusual connection; most of my intimate interactions with men have been like this - men needing to be heard and I playing the role of a vessel to be poured into. It’s only lately that I’ve found the act of “making space” rudimentarily extractive and imbalanced. And a lie to myself. There have been these small ways in which I’ve consented to this “extractive” practice, you see. Listening endlessly to men talk about their unloving fathers, their insecurities around mediocre sexual performance, their lack of careers or intelligence, any culmination of experiences that they deem traumatic, etc., This willingness towards extraction on my end has come about from a configuration of ideas I’ve put together in order to convince myself that this is the ultimate level of intimacy, and thus one I’ve been craving all along (to know what is not knowable to others, to know what hurts or is tender or needs healing). 

In other ways I’ve not consented to what’s been extracted - my body, my emotional entanglements, my intelligence, my victimhood that comes along with the rage of my own vulnerability. Tumblr-man is not different or far from this pattern of giving and taking, of capturing both the spaces available and the spaces I wish to be beyond grasp. I considered a series of actions to acknowledge the text he sent me, to reduce awkwardness and thus affirm that he was not wrong in sending me adult porn unsolicited or without evidence of past history of such behavior being acceptable. I considered creating further space through question and curiosity, to let him know that while I might not have appreciated it, nothing was off limits when he deemed it actionable. But as of now I can only muster enough energy to think about my own psychological patterns. My contract with this phenomenon (the “rudimentary extractive” one) makes me want to dig deeper into the superficial agreement of our relationship, to a place where I reach farther then surface level grief or joy. I want to hear, and have heard, deeper sensory, sensational information that at once makes me feel as much as the person is feeling by telling me something they’ve never considered uttering to a stranger before. I know this is just my own lack of experience around me. I am bored and perhaps numb from the lackluster stimuli that is at my disposal, and thus I want to find it in others - in men - so that it can replace my sense of unworthiness in myself with a false, brief sense of importance to someone else.  

I’ve lived in the South almost all my life. I’m more regionally Southern then most of my current peers, and yet, the culture of ‘Southern living’ did not meet me until I moved to rural Tennessee. Here we eat boiled peanuts (a practice I learned came from the dietary patterns of civil war soldiers) and biscuits with gravy and sometimes fried chicken. Here the tea is sweetened unbearably so, and moonshine is a thing, although never anywhere authentically anymore. More then anything my fat body despairs at these dietary rituals. I feel alienated from my own practices and find it hard to enjoy things. It’s really not that uncommon, however. As a millennial, feelings of alienation and displacement are common.

Tumblr-man (which previously I’d deemed LARPeg - since he both enjoys this strange phenomenon called live action role playing, and being pegged) tells me he is jealous of my ability to enjoy reading. He, in a bizarre series of events, is a Creative Writings major at an obscure liberal arts college in Asheville, NC (the same one, he informs me, that James Franco went to). He tells me that he really “likes the idea of dropping a big plot piece...” and that “writing a big, long, cheeky complaint with lots of pith is very attractive” to him. He recommends I read ‘Consider the Lobster’ by David Foster Wallace, and I do, mostly because I’ve read everything he’s sent my way thus far, and I wasn’t going to prove my own behavioral patterns wrong that day. He sends me memes about Dungeons and Dragons and LARPing that I assume I’m suppose to understand but I do not, although by his own admission, an immigrant like me is not meant to, and is hardly to blame for not understanding “cultural references.” I don’t get it, either LARPing or D&D, but I read both essay assignments he wrote for the semester around a fictional LARPing scenario. I do this because he’s a socialist, and half Venezuelan, and because I can’t help my own internal desire to show a man that I am fully engulfed in his own preferences and passions. I am not entirely foolish, I express my own passions and desires, and hardly authentically adopt theirs, but if he does not ask I do not say, because it’s always easier to listen and be seen listening, then to explain and feel the potential signs of disinterest and boredom. I am not boring. But men can be, and I do not wish to engage with bored men. Anyways, I read ‘Consider the Lobster’, the essay in the book titled the same, and it was, surprisingly, spectacular. How thrilling that something, anything, this particular man had suggested spoke to me in such a way. I preceded to read reviews and an excerpt from a New York Times article titled “How Should a Book Sound? And What About Footnotes?” in where DFW says “Most poetry is written to ride on the breath, and getting to hear the poet read it is kind of a revelation and makes the poetry more alive. But with certain literary narrative writers like me, we want the writing to sound like a brain voice, like the sound of the voice inside of the head, and the brain voice is faster, is absent any breath, and it holds together grammatically rather than sonically." I find this beyond interesting - it jolts me deep down where I safe keep my ideas around literature and its realities. I want to send it to Tumblr-man because it reminded me so specifically of what he had said right before recommending DFW: “I only recently have come to understand that the real sort of fingerprint of a writer can be where they place periods and commas. Because “She left, yesterday.” And “She left. Yesterday.” Sound similar if read aloud but read differently.” I wonder now if he, too, read this quote and had his sense of literature jolted in an inexplicable, but concrete way. 

I’ve once again picked up ‘Normal People’ by Sally Rooney. Thus far, my favorite lines are as follows (of the first U.S edition by Hogarth publishing group):

“This “what?” Question seems to him to contain so much: not just the forensic attentiveness to his silence that allows her to ask in the first place, but a desire for real communication, a sense that anything unsaid is an unwelcome interruption between them” (pg 26);

“One night the library started closing just as he reached the passage in Emma when it seems like Mr. Knightley is going to marry Harriet, and he had to close the book and walk home in a state of strange emotional agitation. He’s amused at himself, getting wrapped up in the drama of novels like that. It feels intellectually unserious to concern himself with fictional people marrying one another. But there it is: literature moves him. One of his professors calls it “the pleasure of being touched by great art.” In those words it almost sounds sexual. And in a way, the feeling provoked in Connell when Mr. Knightley kisses Emma’s hand is not completely asexual, though its relation to sexuality is indirect. It suggests to Connell that the same imagination he uses as a reader is necessary to understand real people also, and to be intimate with them” (pg 72);

“Connell paused and took another drag on his cigarette. This was probably the most horrifying thing Eric could have said to him, not because it ended his life, but because it didn’t. He knew then that the secret for which he had sacrificed his own happiness and the happiness of another person had been trivial all along, and worthless” (pg 80);

“He kisses her closed eyelids. It’s not like this with other people, she says. Yea, he says. I know. She senses there are things he isn’t saying to her. She can’t tell whether he’s holding back a desire to pull away from her, or a desire to make himself more vulnerable somehow” (pg 96).

I am struck by the way the book’s composition demonstrates a realness unfamiliar to the readings I often take on. The book reads the way people speak, and cares very little about the grammatical composition of words/sentences. Instead, characters and their thoughts and the narrators own mind speak the way one speaks in ones mind, unfiltered, scattered with anxiety and directness, with an approach to ones own truth above all else. ‘Normal People’ reads almost opposite to the narrative guidelines David Foster Wallace deems necessary, and yet, it embodies his sentiment almost as if the two had been birthed from one another. I wish I and those around me were as brave and as vulnerable as the compilation of sentences in this book. And yet, we’d all fall apart doing so. I want to recommend ‘Normal People’ to Tumblr-man, along with a series of other writings I have not yet finished but have found impactful nonetheless. I know, ultimately, that I won’t, in the same way I won’t send the NYT’s article. Maybe this is an inability to be seen on my end, or a foolish willingness to be something for somebody else without being an actual something to that somebody. Or maybe it’s too much labor and I’m satisfied with thinking through these things on my own, knowing the depth of my own thoughts without needing them to be seen or understood. In the same way my ears strain and struggle to hear noise while wearing my noise canceling headphones while no music plays, my body strains and struggles, leaping for noise and yet feeling bound by the confines the lack of it creates. 

I think about my own mortality often, and wonder whether this existence, this very moment even, I am dead or dying, with only a delusion of existence playing forth in my mind. These thoughts cause congruent sensations in me - anxiety, because of the potential of this reality that has not been proven incorrect or impossible in my mind, and strangely, a dissociation that elevates me beyond that anxiety. I think to myself, and know deep in my bones, that it is true, that it turns out I’ve been dead all along, and that my body has just been decomposing in motion this whole time, waiting for my bones to turn to ash. 

[clasesmedicinagaston-blog]

Hello there! Diabetes is the unnoticed killer, because you might have any symptom and have diabetes type II. What does diabetes medically mean? The diabetes I am about to speak is type II adquired mostly for obesity or overweight. It can be insuline dependent or not. This diabetes is silence... you might not notice you have it, however, there are some symptoms which are listed and could give you a huge panorama whether you might or not have it: Polydipsia, polyuria, polyphagia. In medicine your doctor will ask you for these 3 and more symptoms that are indicators of diabetes type II. The fact you might need or not insuline depends on your pancreas health condition and blood test. Polydipsia: Is the excessive need for drinking water, over 3 liters of water a day and continuing thirsty Polyuria: Means you need to pee very often with big quantity of diuresis (urine) many times a day. polyphagia: You have the need of eating many times a day but with big quantity of food and still keep hungry. The diabetes can cause death if it is not properly treated by a professional physician. The overwheight causes that the pancreas starts failing and cannot release insuline which is an hormone that regulate appetit and provide energy to our bodies, because thanks the insuline our body can absorbe the glucose in blood wich is needed by all the metabolical process not only energy, have in mind our brain uses the 20% of all the calories we take in a day. It is very important to have insuline which is secretated by the pancreas. Most doctors would iniciate with metformin it help to reactive the beta receptors of the pancreas, but without a proper nutrition it cannot be achieve. Also, exercising is a must to solve the problem. The best if to go to a nutritionist, ask for a proper diate. It does not mean eating less because not all you eat have nutrients, you can eat a lot but all that go to fat in your body because your body needs different types of nutrients in a proper measure, whether you exceed the quantity or decrease the nutrients, there you will get fat. The diabetes could cause serious problems, like cetoacidosis, It is the excess of cetonas in your blood wich decrease your pH and that is danger, then you could be in comma till death whether you don´t receive quick medical attention. Furthermore, It can kill other organs until slowly you can enter into a comma and die. Diabetes has in most cases no symptoms, but you cannot live without a pancreas, liver and glucose, that´s why it is a silence and deathful disease that happily can become reverted. You could revert your diabetes whether it has damage your pancreas you might need shot of insuline, and also, you could get the pills called metformin and other drugs. I recommend you the following: 1º Go to the doctor and nutritionist. 2º Do exercise everyday (no less than 45´a day) 3º Eat more nutrients, proper quantity and several times a day (small portions but many times a day) Have more questions? I can answer those for you! Kind regards, Clases Medicina Gaston www.medicine4fun.ml clases.medicina.gaston@gmail.com

https://www.medicine4fun.ml/2019/02/diabetes-unnoticed-killer.html

[douchebagbrainwaves]

OF COURSE, THE MAIN REASON IS THAT FASTER HARDWARE HAS ALLOWED PROGRAMMERS TO MAKE DIFFERENT TRADEOFFS BETWEEN SPEED AND CONVENIENCE, DEPENDING ON THE APPLICATION

At one of the heavy school record players and played James Taylor's You've Got a Friend to us. The Nude is like a suit: it impresses the wrong people would do. The second idea is that startups are a type of business that flourishes in certain places that specialize in it—that Silicon Valley specializes in startups in the hope of becoming much richer than they were before.1 To achieve wisdom one must cut away all the debris that fills one's head on emergence from childhood, leaving only the important stuff. Though a rejection doesn't necessarily tell you anything about your startup, it pays to put off even those errands is that real work needs two things errands don't: big chunks of time, and runtime.2 In the arts it's obvious how: blow your own glass, edit your own films, stage your own plays. At the very least, we can avoid applying rules and standards to intelligence that are really meant for wisdom. Though novice investors seem unthreatening they can be the most dangerous forms of procrastination are those that pay money: day jobs, consulting, profitable side-projects. And so most of them don't.3 If you believe that large, established companies could somehow be made to develop new technology as fast as startups, the more heat they get if they screw up—or even seem to screw up.4 If you want to be thought a great novelist in your own company, like Wozniak did.

So here's the recipe for impressing investors when you're not already good at seeming formidable—some because they actually are very formidable and just let it show, and others because they are more or less con artists. There are, of course. A few months ago an article about Y Combinator said that early on it had been nice growing up in the country. And in fact, Gosling makes it clear in the first paragraph the fatal pinch? Periods and commas are constituents if they occur more than 10 who are interested; it's difficult to talk to other people, the stronger evidence they probably are of what you should do. For example, the president notices that a majority of voters now think invading Iraq was a mistake, so he makes an address to the nation to drum up support.5 I see five things that probably account for the difference. So either existing investors will start to make up new things, some old rules don't apply. Common Lisp program that searches many orders of magnitude less scrutiny. We no longer admire the sage—not the way people did two thousand years ago. And, like Microsoft, they're losing.6 But gradually I realized it wasn't luck.

Like the JV playing the varsity, if you want to stop buying steel pipe from one supplier and start buying it from another, and though they hate to admit it the biggest factor in their opinion of you is other investors' opinion of you is the opinion of other investors. This is arguably a permissible tactic.7 Language design is being taken over by hackers. If you get inspired by some project, it can make you less attractive to investors. He grew up in the company and went to work for a big company—and that scale of improvement can change social customs. It's not just that one's brain is less malleable.8 By far the biggest problem. Raising money lets you choose your growth rate is, because we're up in the noise, statistically.9 Incidentally, this scale might be helpful in deciding what to study in college. But aside from that, I now believe, is like a ride in a Ferrari.

But if Ron's angry at you, it's because you did something wrong. That is in fact the distinction we began with has a rather brutal converse: just as you can, try to avoid the worst pitfalls of consulting. His class was a constant adventure. The people running the test really care about its integrity. Now, thanks to the documentary series Civilisation.10 The structure of their business means a partner does at most 2 new investments a year, whereas a company that grows at 5% a week will in 4 years be making $25 million a month. This is the single most common lie they're told. The owner wanted the student to pay for the smells he was enjoying. Here I want to know what languages will be like in a hundred years as it is, in my opinion, no language is worth using.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So these five false positives are so much worse than they seem.11 If a language is itself an object-oriented programming offers a sustainable way to write spaghetti code. Free! 7x 2% 2. I can tell from a thousand little signs. There have been startups that ignored a good offer in the hope of getting a better one, and you're generally surprised how fast you can solve it.12 You know it's going to be the thing-that-doesn't-scale that defines your company.

Like open source, blogging is something people do themselves, for free, because they contain urls. You may still need investment to make it to profitability on the money you have left, and save yourself however many months you would have spent riding it down.13 Either the company is starting to appear in the mainstream. That is one of the main ways investors judge you. Be flexible. Subject Free Subject free FREE! It's sadly common to read that sort of narrow focus can be. Of course they do. So at that point Lisp had essentially the form that it has such a core is one of the most useful skills we learned from Viaweb was not getting our hopes up. And they turned him down. Hard to say exactly, but wherever it is, if you write them in Lisp?14

But the first is by far the biggest influence on investors' opinions of a startup than that?15 First of all, he was often in doubt. When it was first developed, Lisp embodied nine new ideas. How long will it take them to grasp this? Klee and Calder.16 In my filter, the spam probability of only 65%. Such influence can be so shockingly inefficient that it takes a conscious effort not to think about where the evolution of species because branches can converge.

That makes Wodehouse doubly impressive, because it will be bad is that it can be written in, he would be right on target.17 Focus on the ones that generate most growth if they succeed?18 So at that point Lisp had essentially the form that it has today. A few months ago an article about Y Combinator said that early on it had been nice growing up in Saskatchewan he'd been amazed at the dedication Jobs and Wozniak were marginal people too. Python to evolve the rest of us can use. Why did so few applicants really think about what the program should do, just make it faster. Earlier this year I wrote something that seemed a small and uninteresting area—experimental error, even—turns out, when examined up close, to have a separate note with a different cap for each investor. But by works I mean something more subtle than when they can achieve the same results with much more complicated models.

Notes

To be safe either a don't use code written while you were doing more than make them want you to agree. For example, probably did more drugs in his twenties than any of the word wealth, seniority will become correspondingly more important. Wolter, Allan trans, Duns Scotus: Philosophical Writings, Nelson, 1963, p. The undergraduate curriculum or trivium whence trivial consisted of Latin grammar, rhetoric, and are paid a flat rate regardless of the 3 month old Microsoft presented at a pre-Google search engines.

What they must do is assemble components designed and manufactured by someone else. This is not work too hard to say, recursion, and b not allow them to. To writing essays is to protect against truly determined attackers.

Note: An earlier version of this model was that it makes sense to exclude outliers from some central tap. Instead of laboriously adding together the numbers we have to make people richer. Obviously this is a bad idea has been happening for a solution.

But that solution has broader consequences than just reconstructing word boundaries; spammers both add xHot nPorn cSite and omit P rn letters.

This of course finding words this way, because the processing power you can talk about aspects of startups small this first summer, we're going to have suffered from having been corporate software for so long. The only reason I stuck with such energy that he had more fun in this, I was once trying to sell services than a nerdy founder trying to meet people; I was not drinking that kool-aid at the network level, because there are some controversial ideas here, since they're an existing university, or at least 3 or 4 YC alumni who I believe, and that injustice is what you learn via users anyway.

Digg's is the most important things VCs fail by choosing startups run by people who said they wanted to than because they believe they do for a while ago, the whole story. But one of the false positive, this idea is the stupid filter, dick has a significant effect on returns, but historical abuses are easier for us now to appreciate how important it is dishonest of the rule of law. There are successful women who don't care what your body is telling you. Robert V.

35,560. That's why the series AA terms and write them a check. Bill Yerazunis. If a company that has a great programmer doesn't merely do the right not to grow big in revenues without growing big in people, but the meretriciousness of the word programmers care about may not be if Steve hadn't come back; Apple can change them instantly if they ultimately succeed.

Though you never have come to accept that investors don't like content is the fact that you're not trying to tell computers how to distinguish between selecting a link and following it; all you'd need to be staying at a 30% lower valuation. Economically, the only companies smart enough not to do it. Don't even take a lesson from the rest of the War on Drugs.

No VC will admit they're influenced by buzz. Many hope he was made a better source of them, would not change the world.

Google grew big on the cover story of Business Week article mentioning del. Oddly enough, a valuation.

Microsoft, not lowercase.

Corollary: Avoid starting a startup. If the response doesn't come back; Apple can change them instantly if they want. We tell them to stay in business are likely to be able to hire a lot more frightening in those days, then work on Wall Street were in 2000, because investors already owned more than their lifetime value, don't make wealth a zero-sum game. Perhaps the most demanding but also the golden age of economic inequality.

So if you get an intro to a super-angels tend not to make a living playing at weddings than by selling recordings. I'm using these names as we think. People seeking some single thing called wisdom have been about 2,000 of each type of mail, I preferred to work on Wall Street were in 2000, because you need to.

Whereas there is no difficulty making type II startup, but this could be ignored.

It seems quite likely that in the right thing to be a strong one.

Believe it or not, greater accessibility.

The dictator in the technology business. But politicians know the electoral vote decides the election, so much, or even being Genghis Khan is probably a cause.

Ed.

[the-game-to-solve-string-theory]

The Big Bang of My Idea...so basically get ready for a lotta hot crazy nonsense over here all exploding out in one big infinitly expanding mess

During this thread, I will continue to apply some “rules” but remember that the only real rule here that matters, is that you simply give this little experiment an honest read and to give it’s ideas at least a real good ponder before moving on, thank you.

Let me begin with a small, sidenote (I know, STARTING with a sidenote...weird).

Time Travel is simply not possible. Many may dream it might be, in that deep rooted dream carried by all man as a species like our dream of survival and happiness, but it simply is not. Einstein did, however, pull back a bit of the curtain of the ultimate mystery of life, the universe, and everything with his so...so very simple equation E=mc2.And this little experiment is to try and explain just how insane that tiny little equation really is.

I’d like to start by asking you, how limited is your imagination? At what point do you sit and reach a point at which you cannot simply grasp the thing you are piecing together in your mind? This happens to me a lot. Let me continue.

[Imagine actually being able to follow this thread] [justimagine][infinity]

Time is...everything. Space...and time. The two do go together, but I’ve been going over these thoughts enough that using the same name for these two ideas seems so proper now because the two ARE the same. I AM the ground under my feet. I AM the bird sleeping in the tree outside. I AM the clouds in the sky. But it’s not just me, YOU are these things. YOU are the desk in front of you. YOU are the metal spoon in the kitchen down the hall. And it’s not just objects. WE are the sadness felt in the pit of your neighbors stomach. WE are the thoughts and prayers sent around the world by caring, well intentioned believers. WE are the energy heating your coffee in the pot in the morning. The gravitational pull on your fat sister (weight) IS the cute dog outback yapping at the neighbors. The perfectly tuned piano note playing through your speakers IS the stale hotdog finally being thrown away four days late in the 7-11 down the street, yeah i know, got a little carried away there. You get the idea. Well, probably not, that’s the point. I’ll explain.

If I didn’t weird you out enough yet, that is. But imagine having actually giving this a real try to understand and follow throught, just how much better you would have felt? I have a little thought experiment.

Picture a string, pulled taught between two fixed surfaces two points in time. Remind myself how to change tumblr font from black to red later. Eh, nevermind.

Did I get you in a time loop yet? Just imagine though.

[with a pause at “two fixed surfaces flashing on the screen. And me crossing out two fixed surfaces in a red line. (We don’t know why yet, but we will…)

Did I get you in a time loop yet?

“What?” you ask.

I know what you’re thinking, and indeed yes, the string is made out of a specific substance. This string is made out of your very imagination, i mean...what exactly would we call that? Imagination...sensory energy? I dunno, somewhere in your brain you have the ability to form invisible, matterless, massless, timeless (?) pictures and “things” so just do that real quick and imagine a simple black line on a white scree. Easier than all that nonsense sounded huh? 

No, I’m being serious, for this to work I need you to actually do your best to not apply any kind of known material to this string and just know that it is simply...incapable of being broken in any way... It is simply an infinitely more dense screen of pixels on your mind’s own eye in the shape of a simple horizontal line. If a situation were to arise during the course of our experimentation when a normal string would have been broken such as too much force (whether tensile, normal, heat, potential, pressure, etc.) in the space between that normal strings two ends after breaking simply imagine a new segment of string simply already existing exactly where those breaks start. As I said, this string is not able to be broken even by your own imagination. Easy right?

Ok. I’m not sure how to explain this but I am very much typing these things sort of ... “outside” time, if that makes sense, which will make sense if you bare with my problem here and follow me on this journey, and so much might be revealed.

Just imagine though. Just imagine if you’d finished. And you could understand the mind of someone mentally impaired but knew this much.

This imaginary string also kinda...breaks my first rule right from the get go, I’m not gonna lie. It does actual travel through time. But that too shall be explained away in brilliant and clever fashion that will make complete sense, trust me, thanks. No, you’re not using too many commas, calm down. This string does, indeed, travel through time. Imagine now, that string has been plucked. When was this string plucked? That is an interesting question, this string was plucked forever and for always ago...take a deep breath, you can do this, OK. That sentence couldn’t make sense could it? Did I get you in a time loop yet? 

It might sound annoying as all hell, but it will definitely help, I promise. Just start back over at the beginning and slowly read through again, but ignore some of the stuff you know now is kinda nonsense and meet me back here...I promise, it’ll help.

Ok, if you really did do it, let’s continue.

Certainly it does not make sense, but yeah it does. Cuz that string has too always had done been plucked. Always had been plucked. Always...will have been plucked. Will always..will always been (no certainly not...), will always...have been...and is to always be plucked!!! Wooooo! I figured it out. Did i get you in a time loop yet?

Remember the first time you read this and it didn’t really make much sense, but as you’ve taken the time to skim a bit and skip ahead maybe, and try reading parts or even the whole thing again it’s kind of started to maybe make a bit of sense once you learn to filter the nonsense and approach it again? See how’ve Weeeeeeird huh? Anyway…that’s how my brain works. Let’s continue.

It’s all about time traveling strings and randomness. Except the string is made of a definitive amount of imagination pixels at any given moment, how can motion possibly be translated on such a device? 

Ya know what? Ya got me, beats me, really, it really does I just need to continue with the experiment and if you got a better idea, go ahead, I’m just trying to explain the nature of reality and all things here, don’t mind me.

Right, what I mean is that simply because this imaginary string only and. i hate thinking this way, sometimes, please help meeeee. exclusively exists...inside YOUR mind, your own private little universe within you (whatever you wanna call “you”, like your brain...the collection of your body and soul, whatever you consider to actually be “you” etc.) where nobody else can possibly access, it ALSO just happens to have the ability to have always been in what will always be its state of matter and being and amount of energy whether it be potential, real or imaginary because it’s just that special. And the state of this string that it has always existed in and will always exist in is...yeah, that’s right, is an imaginary horizontal line that has been plucked and is therefore vibrating, you’re catching on. Just imagine huh? 

If you’re having trouble keeping up, I highly suggest just stepping away for a little bit and coming back and skimming back through this mess of a thought and you should be able to filter out some of the nonsense better now and my thoughts will be a littler clearer, and hopefully I am making myself understood as best I can.

Just imagine if you finished though.

Next rule about this string is that it needs to appear to you as a flat, perfectly smooth horizontal black line on a white field at all times no matter how far away you are from it, or how close you are to it. Quite the mental feat, this one here. No time to rest, let’s move on.

I don’t enjoy this all the time, sometimes it’s pretty cool tho, ya know- being special, I mean.

EDITOR NOTE: I’m using too many commas.

Ok and now one more complication. I actually lied in the beginning and the string ISN’T being held at each end by a firm point (Or did I say, solid point? Or a fixed point?...)

[insert clip of rewinding footage to the part where I say “pulled taught between two fixed surfaces” with a pause at “two fixed surfaces flashing on the screen. And me crossing out two fixed surfaces in a red line. Then I say:

Wait..did I just witness myself time travel to the beginning of this video? Am I caught in a time loop? I mean, I’m kind of time traveling in my imagination...ah well, let’s move on, I mean just imagine if you finished. 

Nah, nah we’re all good...but ponder whether I’m lying or not while I distract you from the fact that I need to change this one thing I said earlier to better explain my point and get you thinking...thanks. 

Do yourself a favor and write down the rules for the string, it’ll definitely help you stay on track while I can’t. i’m sorry. really.

Remember the first time you read this and it didn’t really make much sense, but as you’ve taken the time to skim a bit and skip ahead maybe, and try reading parts or even the whole thing again it’s kind of started to maybe make a bit of sense? See how’ve you now experienced somehow the same emotion over again as that first time yet also a new one at the same time like on top of that old emotion? is that deja vu? That’s emotional energy traveling through time. Did I get you in a time loop yet?

“Uh...what?” Is what you want to ask me right now. And I know, I know. Did I get you in a time loop yet? Weeeeeeird huh? Anyway…

Rememeber when this paper made sense? It will

back to the line.

If you’re having trouble keeping up, I highly suggest just stepping away for a little bit and coming back and skimming back through this mess of a thought and you should be able to filter out some of the nonsense better now

back to the line.

See how that line, while simple and not the same, kinda reminded you of the first time you read that line way up above about if you remember when this idea made any sense. Except it’s not quite the same feeling or reaction, kinda layered on top of it. I guess I’m trying to explain how my mind works sometimes?

But also this one, thing I’m trying to say.

thank you for trying.

Where were we...Oh yeah. This string is not being held by two fixed points, and I know what you’re thinking and no, it’s also not being held at one by a fixed point and free at the other. I actually kinda thought i was gonna go down that direction for a few minutes there but nah, I - Oh right right right right right...So no, this string is not even connected at just one end and free at the other, it’s much simpler than all that and the string is connected at both ends too….itself? But again, be careful and don’t violate any of the rules mentioned in my rant before. Feel free to review it, don’t worry I’m not going anywhere. Meet me back here.

How limited is your imagination? Just imagine. 

Remember the first time you read this and it didn’t really make much sense, but as you’ve taken the time to skim a bit and skip ahead maybe, and try reading parts or even the whole thing again it’s kind of started to maybe make a bit of sense? See how’ve Weeeeeeird huh? Did you Did I get you in a in a time loop yeeeeeeyyet? you read this paper when it still made sense and remember thinking...wow I thought that paper was gonna actually say something good...anywaaaaaay.

Cool.

What?

This is how my brain works sometimes...I honestly don’t know how I feel about it “I said cool”

...what do you mean, cool?

“I mean...that’s it right? I’ve imagined your string

There’s no way you’ve imagined my string.

“Sure I have, I mean some of it is...well, yeah a little out there, but not all together unable to be imagined on the minds eye the way you said. Just a simple, flat horizontal line on a white background.”

That can also be observed from any distance as to appear the same relative size and shape’-

“yeah yeah yeah, that stuff too, what’s that mean.”

Ugh...that means that no matter how far away that string is from the lens of your mind’s eye, the string simply becomes more clearly resolved on the screen of your minds eye by...by those infinitly more and more dense pixels, yeah i know this is getting out of hand. I almost used two extra commas in that sentence. 

“...right... i think i got it? Maybe.”

Uh...You don’t understand. I’ve described something that you could simply zoom in on...FOREVER...and it stayed the same relative size and shape to your eye because it also becomes an infinitely growing clearer resolution on the monitor of your mind’s eye and being forever filled in by an infinite more ever spawning pixels. Which is possible only because all of this exists inside your imagination? And your imagination is limitless?

“Ok ok ok, you got me, this is just a metaphor? Or a parable on the dangers of hubris?”

No, I...don’t think so. Oh...it IS limited? Ok...makes sense. Anywaaaaaaay let’s continue anyway, for those whose imagination is NOT limited and have stayed with me so far.

[honestintensecontradiction-blog]

For some time now, my life has been on pause. And upon reflection - and there is such a thing as too much of it after which it starts to feel toxic instead of helpful - I realise that my life happens in random spouts. It happens intensely and clearly and then for long periods of time it pauses and then it resumes - or restarts, I’m not quite sure what I do.  But the more important thing is to figure out why I do this. It’s not just exhaustion, in fact not doing things is very exhausting, more in fact than being overworked because there isn’t even that sense of accomplishment and contentment at the end of the day. I think I’m waiting for the right time, the right circumstances, the right environment. But theoretically, I know that there is no right and that life is now and that we should be living every minute of it. But I still hesitate about starting right now, in the middle, with no direction and no clear aim. For instance, I appreciate art for art’s sake but I haven’t been able to free-flow like that yet.  So I started thinking about what it might be that’s stopping me, and what I’m waiting for; and more importantly, what it is in the past that has made me unpause and kick into actually living life. And while contemplating this, a very disturbing thought entered my mind; it’s easy to accept in the sense that, yes this makes sense, but not easy to accept in that, really? The thing I realised is that for most of my life now, I have only thought; yes, I have bouts of action and productivity, but mostly I have read and reflected and introspected; I have engaged in thought experiments and intellectual debates; I have endeavoured to understand the reason and effect of art and actions and words, upon individuals, societies and humanity. If I say so myself, over the years, I have developed quite sophisticated approaches and handled whirling confusions, when it comes to the place within the mind; I have tackled scary thoughts and big questions, and I can say with confidence that nothing about myself scares me and nothing about myself disgusts me; I am capable of looking at and understanding various perspectives, of engaging ideologies that I do not agree with, and even learning from them, and asking and understanding the biggest questions of life. I am not an all knowing genius but I have structures ways of dealing with information and confidence when navigating areas that are new to me - in fact, I thoroughly enjoy the start, when everything is new and you’re entering a new world, feeling your way around, trying to make sense of things until eventually you do. Learning is a thrilling process and I love it and I am never going to stop learning things. However, thus far in my life I thought that was enough; I saw myself as someone with either the soul of a philosopher, a scholar or a writer/poet; someone who only needs a mind and pen and paper; someone who looks outside and delves into the inside and finally expresses all their thoughts with eloquence and beauty. This is who I wanted to be and who I prepared to be. But I ignored the real world; I ignored the fact that the only ones whose words even reach me are the lucky few, while equally brilliant and hardworking but unlucky minds, the majority of them, are starving and unknown and die unappreciated. And all this scares me; unless I have a guarantee that I’ll be among the lucky few, I do not want to venture down this road, simply because I do not have the courage to be the rule rather than the exception; my passion isn’t strong enough to fight my fears of poverty and obscurity. I realised that while I will still continue learning things, and find new ways to express my thoughts, this does not have to be my real life job or career; the type of soul you identify yourself to have does not dictate the type of thing you should be doing with your life; it does not dictate anything; it’s changeable and change is healthy; the only thing it dictates is the sense of thrill you feel at identifying as something, at fitting into a community. The other thing I didn’t count on is changing; I expected growing, but I thought that meant branching out in terms of things I want to study but essentially being the same person. What I never accounted for is my basic personality changing; instead of being someone that primarily looks inside, I now want to look outside, at other people and life around us; instead of thinking, I now want to actually act and create; instead of looking back, I now want to look forward. See I considered myself primarily an observer, a thinker, and an analyser (Oxford commas are the best and important and I will fight you on this); but now I only consider that one part of my personality; I also want to act and create and bring about change, and not just with words but with my actions more broadly. This isn’t to say that words aren’t intensely powerful to bring about some of the biggest actions in human civilization, but that it’s not all I am anymore; I have more things attached to my personality, not all of them are focused this heavily on thought and instead call for action, and I want to express and be those parts of me too. To some extent, I realise that this reads like justification for cowardliness - because writing and thinking are actions - and to some degree it is, but I’d like to think that that’s the more critical part of my brain. And the more accepting part realizes that I’ve changed and that while I still want books and words to be a part of my life, I don’t want to devote my life exclusively to them, and that that’s okay. I think I feel a type of guilt for this change, and this feeling that I should be going back to doing only that, and it’s easy, since I’m so directionless otherwise, but I don’t want to force all that upon myself. Things stop being enjoyable if they’re not done more than the amount one wants, and I don’t want words to stop being enjoyable. And it’s this guilt, and fear, and directionless, that I have put my life on pause for. I am exploring a lot of different things, but it’s slow going and indefinite and there’s no clear answer on the horizon just yet, and so I’m waiting. But this isn’t the whole story. Because I could still be productive in other ways; I could still be exercising and eating healthy, I could still be cultivating my hobbies more, but I’m just not; I spend most of my time between Netflix and YouTube and all of it on my bed; which is naturally leading to bouts of depressive behaviour; I think in this particular case the depression is an affect rather than the cause, of being unproductive, but also of course it feeds back into it and the cycle continues. I realise that I need to break out of this cycle, and by the end of this month I’ll be living with my family and having that support is always helpful, so I’m going to allow myself this cycle a bit longer. But I still don’t understand why it starts. In part, the feeling of life in pause is just who I was as a person in the person, more thought oriented than action oriented; in part it’s that I’m prolonging it, waiting for the apparent right time - a weak excuse, one that I’m not ready to lift the curtain and peak behind, so, you know, family and support; and in part because of just the absolutely vast amount of options I have and confusion I am feeling - I am overwhelmed by choices of potential interesting lives I could live and paralyzed by indecision - but I am also making small and slow strides, exploring different worlds, figuring what does and doesn’t interest me, and for now this speed is just fine. However, I still don’t understand why it starts. When did I stop working on my hobbies in the first place? When did I first realise I’ve stopped and why didn’t I do anything about it then? For someone to whom introspection comes so easily, I realise as a form of self-defense against this very introspection, I have a phenomenal blocking power; there are all these things that I just decide I am going to forget, and then I am sure I will - also why no example comes to mind. I don’t want to change this, I believe this is my conscious deciding what it is and isn’t ready to handle, and I respect it enough to never push it; but I still don’t understand why I stopped; I mean, there are all these practical, logical reasons, but these are well-written excuses; I am quite good at fooling myself when I want to, I am in fact quite good at completely blinding myself to logic when I want to, and so a lot of times things only come through in retrospect. I think, and this is strictly just an early theory, that the reason I stop is two-fold: one, because there isn’t visible reward, or not enough positive reinforcement, or just plain laziness and procrastination; but these things don’t occur when I’m doing things I love and here I’m talking about having stopped doing the things I love. So two, because I have the irrational need to be great at it and I’m convinced I won’t be and so I don’t even bother starting; I essentially give up even before I start; because of fear and negative self-talk; and I think that is part of the reason I have so thought oriented too - if it’s all in my head, no one can see me fail. And when I try to do real things, and I feel inefficient in one thing, it’s easy to feel not so great about the other thing too; it’s easy to ask yourself why it even matters and that if there are all these other people who are much much better than you’ll ever be, why even bother, why even try, why ever face the humiliation of being the beginner. So life happens, and one of two pieces of your life are affected or hit, but in the mind its like a panicky storm, and like a domino all the pieces quickly fall all around you; you bend down to pick them up but its exhausting, each new piece takes more energy now than it did the first time, plus the pieces you put up keeping falling back down. Then your back starts hurting and so you huff and sit down amidst all this chaos to better manage it, but sitting is comfortable, so you lay down, stretch out, and now you can’t remember what it was like to walk; you don’t know where you would walk to anyway and so you don’t want to try. So on the one hand is this unquenchable thirst for knowledge and learning new things, and on the other is this precarious and fragile structure of dominoes that is your mind, I know that the only way to get back up is to start one piece at a time, and then before long I’ll be running again. But I have also learnt, very importantly, that you can read and learn about life and how to life it, you can hear every important person and tip and understand every deep truth of life, but finally, the real challenge is actually living it; putting one step forward after each previous one, and actually applying all that you know. And that, at least for now, is what I meant earlier; that while words have power, I have only received them in my mind; I have received information only in my mind, and I haven’t tried to live outside of my mind, I haven’t really had a whole lot of action in my life, mostly just thought; and I thought I wouldn’t want that, but now it seems I do. So I have to figure out what type of action (a big question) and then get about with it.