#and sometimes what you feel is disgust
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ACAB includes Tereesz Machejek
#sacred and terrible air#That's the only post I will make about this book#Tereesz Jesper and Khan are so stuck in the past#The Pale is a terrifying force of nature that moves like a tsunami#Everyone in there is full of shit and I love that#The descriptions of the girls' bodies and the ways that a woman's body changes over the years were a bit gross#But in general I wasn't expecting to be comfortable with this in the first place#good art makes you feel stuff#and sometimes what you feel is disgust
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Finished Heavenly Tyrant and my first comment is.........
......... Qin Zheng was WAY too funny for how much he sucked. Made me feel so conflicted.
Anyways, Heavenly Tyrant is an amazing book, highly reccomend!!!
Power to the people ✊️
#rest in pieces you hilarious bastard#...........is what i WISH i could say#unfortunately he lives#sometimes love makes you a better person and sometimes it makes you a disgusting prick#are we surprised#shimin i love you please go back to yourself#you're the best of them all#yizhi you morally ambiguous king#i love you#quielo wen'er and taiping i love you#i love women#women solidarity rules#sima yi you continue to be funny despite being the worst#impressive#im sorry your boyfriend died#zetian.....#last but not the least#best for last#best disaster girl#keep trying keep winning#i believe in you#still hoping she can have a fling with a woman in book 3#are women inherently better? no. just statistically less likely to become a possessive psychopath about feeling lust for you#anyways great communism in this one#will maybe make some more coherent comment about the intersectionality of peace at some point#and how you cant have justicr unless EVERYONE has justice#heavenly tyrant#iron widow#heavenly tyrant spoilers
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what if gaster in a future chapter calls out the audience for speculating so much about him. the guy canonically has some amount of access to Real Life Social Media. like i started this mostly as a joke but there are definitely some real metanarrative opportunities for a character with recklessly curious impulses, and possibly a fragile sense of self, having nearly limitless access to streams of debate over whether or not he’s a bastard. rude to talk about someone who’s listening etc
#this is very fast and loose character reading on my part but i do get the sense sometimes#that gaster may be asking some of the same questions of himself that we are of him.#’who are you? how should i feel about you? should i sympathize with you or be disgusted by you?’#i said ‘call out’ in the post but i don’t even necessarily think this is a matter of anger#so much as sincere confusion and ego-shattering overwhelm#a character so wrung out by the mechanisms of audience interpretation that even he has no idea who he is anymore#and he’s looking at the audience who looked so hard for him and spent so much energy tearing him apart for clues or answers#and saying ‘you want to know what i am. but you seem to know that better than i do. please tell me. tell me what you think.’#’because i want to know just as much as you do.’#…anyway this is not real speculation. just rambling on an idea i think would be cool lol#$ waltz of a shattered man
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there's a lot of reasons why I don't like sefikura as a genuine ship (have mercy on me) but why does every sefikura fanart/fic read like this:
#I think the dynamic between sephiroth and cloud and the tropes/narrative roles they play are extremely interesting to think about#and I think it's important to understand how the characters impact each other in all their ways#but sometimes it's crazy to me that there's people out there who DONT think it's toxic and harmful to the both of them#also yes I know that a lot of people ship it bc its hot but that's not really who I'm referring to lol#I enjoy sefikura as sonething to be dissected and analyzed#like yes!!! pls tell me your analysis of their dynamic yumm 😋😋😋 munch munch munch (thank you alto btw)#also i feel like a decent portion of sefikura shipping comes from a lack of media literacy DONT KILL ME DONT KILL ME#but then I feel like there's the other side of the coin where ppl are like “IF YOU SHIP SEFIKURA YOU ARE DISGUSTING AND VILE!!!!!!!!!!”#*cough cough* tiktok#and I feel like this is more nuanced than that idk 😭😭😭😭#but hey! what do I know?#this is just my two cents on this age-old discourse#enjoy your yaoi idk#sephiroth ff7#cloud#ff7#ff7 rebirth#ff7 crisis core#meme#not tagging this as sefikura bc I'm scared LMAO#my art
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got into a fight with my mom yippeeee
#meg speaks#feeling. super.#and all because she has that dumb as shit mindset of#'well you havent had [thing i dont like] for years so you dont know if you still don't like it or not'#newsflash. i do still know that i don't like it. i haven't liked it since i was like. fucking 6 years old. every time i have tried it since#i have fucking HATED it#every time she forced me to try it again it was disgusting to me.#i dont like it. i haven't liked it in a long LONG time. over 20 years of hating it#sometimes she would sit me at the table and make me stay there until i tried it again.#me telling her that she would do that is what upset her#because HER mom did that to HER and she HATED IT. and swore she would never do it to her kids.#but i fucking remember sitting at the dinner table an hour or more after everyone else had finished and cleaned up#and how she would get angry with me if i just trashed my plate without trying it#she wasn't anywhere as bad as her mom. but she still did it to me too.#and just like her mom she denies having ever done it.#and thinks i'm crazy and that i don't remember what happened and that im just saying it to upset her.#but im not. it happened to me. she did it to me. and it's her fault that she's upset over this because she's the one#who can't let it go. that i don't like this food.#it would be so so so SO easy to just accept that i don't like it. we wouldn't have had the argument if she would have accepted it.#but she never will. and i'm getting to be too old now to be talked to like i'm 4 years old.
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I wish some people never had access to internet at all...
TW assault, TW r*pe
#this is one of the main reasons why I don't get into the fandom that much and just stay in my own personal bubble#I already have a bad relationship with gilturia and I just can't see those two together without having a bad taste in my mouth#despite the fact there's a lot good art with those two#and I know that not all gilturia shippers are like that#and I understand that most of them ship those two because they just look aesthetically pleasing and look good together but still...#I can't just look calmly at those two especially knowing their background and how Gilgamesh actually treats her#and honestly because of such moments sometimes I feel disgust towards Gil (obviously) but I also feel disgust towards myself#for liking such terrible character#and honestly I fear that someday because of such moments I would stop liking him or even start to hate him#but I don't want that because despite his negative traits he still is well written and very deep character that has a lot of layers to him#plus he helped me to get thought a lot of hardships especially after these past two years throughout which I got attached to him even more#and his quote that he said to Hakuno ''No matter what adversity you face there's no other way for you but forward''#cheered me up a lot of times#sorry for the rant#I just had this things building up in my chest and these tweets just made me kinda snap#my ramblings#personal
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Tulips by Sylvia Plath
#tulips#poetry#Sylvia Plath#psych ward#medical#hospital#mental hospital#upload#I have a nagging feeling the needle was full of Thorazine#that’s what they do at some mental hospitals. just put you on meds that make you sleep so they don’t have to deal with doing their jobs#I’ve seen people who are literal zombies because the doctors gave them an antipsychotic dosage that was WAY too high#like there were people that would sleep all day because they genuinely couldn’t get up after injections being forced upon them#and sometimes they were literal children#it’s kind of extremely evil#you’re not fixing the problem you’re just drugging someone to a point they cannot function#and that’s disgusting to me
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I <3 how on the first viewing of stoker it's impossible to tell what India actually feels for uncle Charlie right up until she shoots him through the neck
#mia is sooo good in that role she nails that shadowy alien loner vibe#and is so good at conveying the range of emotions india feels for charlie - fear/disgust/attraction/obsession etc#how it builds suspense bc you really cannot tell what she's gonna do by the end of the movie#also really love how it's not so much charlie that india is attracted to#but moreso the ability to embrace this violent nature/will to power thing she can't under her mother's control#and of course there's the whole ''if i were a man i'd be [charlie]'' type of gender envy like between shiv and ken#but the most captivating To Me is how it's a v real problem that you face in the incest dynamics#where fear/revulsion and attraction does sometimes mingle#and india's not punished for feeling this attraction. and she does the right thing by killing charlie/saving her mother#but how it ends with her using this predatory nature she learned/absorbed from charlie to live her best life#using that experience to better herself. which is kind of the ultimate fantasy#stoker
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sometimes i think yall must be lying when you’re thirsting after a real existing man
#talking about celebs#i never ever understand and i feel so STUPID 😭#like what are you into…. what is there to look at#muscles????????#the lack of boobs??????#oppression??????#WHATS ATTRACTIVE IM BEING SO FR#then again ive literally never even slept with a man because they disgust me so badly#sometimes i get a celeb crush on a guy and then i actually imagine anything happening and i WANT TO DIE#GET AWAY FROM ME YOU’RE LITETALLY JUST A GUY#STEP AWAY#listen i dont mean to shame anyone im just being silly#also dont want to apologize for not understanding women being attracted to men bc thats weird#yall got the entire world rooting for u#but anyway if anyones offended sorry i guess#but also not really
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Production of American Psycho where all the instrumental tracks are just played from yt or spotify and Bateman goes on semi-scripted tangents about each product, and a few nonsensical ads for poisons industrial weapons etc are sprinkled in with increasing frequency as it goes on. Also all the songs are different because I fucking hate what they did with that show.
#I'm in the camp of the book is interesting the movie's great the musical blows chunks#When you have a song called 'you are what you wear' sung by the two main high-society women and their guests#and Bateman enters the party without getting his own verse or even joining in. nd Bateman enters the party#In fact is busy calling Jean in a moment played as sweet or smth because he calls her peasant clothes acceptable and asks her out#you have lost the plot are you fucking kidding me#He doesn't really consider himself a god and he absolutely isn't one. He tries cooking human sausage and fails at it and cries about it#He pulls a dumb prank on his fiance right before breakup. He does dogshit doodles and fills out a crossword with MEAT BLOOD BONE. Unserious#They give Jean a song about how nice it could be to settle down with him. Bitch that's the Hamptons era with Evelyn and guess how that goes#Having his spree when he gets back be countless bodies just writhing beneath him while he sings a power song...disgusting. Repugnant.#And having him make a public scene right at the beginning and implying the homeless man to be his first victim is so fucking stupid#And I swear I hate how they do Louis so much. Feels like we're supposed to be laughing at him#And his confession coming from guilt over Jean? Bitch what are we doing here. What story are we trying to tell?#At points it feels like he's supposed to be even more of a monster who sees himself above all of humanity than in the book or the film#And at points more of a tragic figure than the fuck has any right to be. Where's the satire?#Anyway. On a positive note I got this idea from watching a small (coincidentally 80s-themed) production of Hadestown#and I really liked it overall but sometimes the tracks had awkward blips in between. Not their fault tiny tech issue didn't really detract#But I do think it could be interesting as an artistic choice to go to the logical conclusion of like#using music from a platform where access to art is so openly mediated(?) by commerce. Just not paying for the premium#american psycho
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ok sorry i had to rant for a bit but im back to loving the world now. i love u world i love u ppl in my phone yayyyyyy 🐬🐬🐬🐬
#i promise im really nice actually its just sometimes i have demons in me. i have to release the demons on occasion#no let me rephrase that. sometimes i feel anger and i must express it and that's ok. i guess 🙄#it disgusts me that i am a person who experiences the full range of emotions n therefore feels anger :) but we are working on that#emotions are morally neutral it's what you do with the emotions that counts i say thru gritted teeth
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Wwhy did I get hit w the infinite nightmare loop last night. Triandra girl are you mad at me 😢😥
#this is a joke but like. now i'm wondering about the logistics actually. bc if you're me#you would be inclined to ask mani what the fuck is your problem!!!!!!!!!#i have this really not at all baked like it's still cookie dough hc. that triandra/plumeria CAN'T#be the sole deliverers of nightmares like. idk maybe it's a chicken or the egg type thing#where peony says (castle dialogue) that the dream realm only exists BECAUSE people dream#and we know (? i think?) that time flows differently in there. so. with enough bullshit Maybe.#but tbh. like?? maybe it was just freyr and freyja who made it possible for dreams to occur? chicken or egg style again.#and the fairies were given more direct roles. in actually delivering dreams. but aren't solely responsible for Every Single One.#it's a mindfuck as usual but my main point is i think mani Doesn't have any unique agency/power or control.#it has enough power as you would when lucid dreaming. maybe. to varying degrees depending on the circumstances#it can pull from moe's subconscious/memories/feelings but it can't really like. well!#now i get stuck again bc that is comfirmed how triandra and plumeria do their thing! they pull from what's already in there#and ofc my ass wants to add more nuance. wants to add that plum/tri are unreliable narrators about it#bc both are traumatized and emotionally stunted. also inclined to trust whatever freyja says is true#and i think she's an unreliable narrator as well. both intentional/unintentionally due to her own issues.#and i also want to add in the nuance of like. how ocd works essentially. ESP in regards to plumeria#where sometimes what's 'there' is more reflective of an obsessive compulsive fear/disgust response#vs a person's 'desires'. and plum being so traumatized and sheltered herself would NOT know the difference.#STRAYING. but my point is! i FEEL like. mani has to work in a fundamentally different way than tri/plum#on account of like. not being alfar. and being something psychologically Odd about moe specifically.#then again a lot of my book 4 lore is 'it just works.' LMFAOO 😅 i WANT it to make sense.#but to be so real. the logostics behind it. are very it just works. bc it has to.#moe lore
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You know, one thing that helps me with not over-indulging is getting the cheaper/crappier version. Bootleg treat, if you will.
I'm usually pretty good with pacing myself when it comes to snacks, EXCEPT if they are sweet. Literally any given snack - has chocolate? I'll be consuming. Which obviously is not great, cus too much sugar = very very bad. But I also can't *not* have it in the house, cus if that choice is taken from me, I'll most certainly over-indulge at the next opportunity.
What I find works for me, is to get the less tasty (often cheaper) version of stuff. Really craving some Nutella? Get the off-brand one. Chocolate chip cookies? Stay away from your favourites and buy the generic version.
9 out of 10 time they will still be delicious enough to satisfy the craving, but not enough to tempt me into binge snacking. That's the best way I found for me to keep things balanced (since I have the self-control of a famished beast). Forced discipline 💪
#idk something I found funny (interesting) to think about#this doesn't apply to every single thing cus sometimes the off-brand will be too disgusting or just super unhealthy#but between. say. Chips Ahoy and an off-brand one the difference is pretty much on taste alone#and i can live with that#i notice that bootleg snacks usually last way longer than my favourites because i don't eat as much#which is GOOD cus this is something i really have to keep an eye on (sugar levels that is)#i have a tremendous amount of respect for those people who can just grab two or three lil snacks and be okay. cus i sure can't#salty snacks? no problem 👍 never super keen on it so i don't have to worry about it. even my fav (sweet potato chips) last a looong time#but sweet stuff! my cross to bear!!#guess why i dislike most veggies but LOVE fruit? sweet 🥹 like me 😌 just a girl made of sugar and spice (but not everything nice)#hmmmmm i feel like i might need to put a tw on this *just in case*. like fuck diet culture eat what you like etc etc etc#this ain't about THAT. this is about *me* tricking *my* sweet-craving brain into ✨ balance ✨#but just to be safe ya know?#tw food#food tag#<- my food-related tag that mostly i use for my cooking/baking but it makes sense i suppose#darya talks to herself
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i did not eat well today 😞
#vent incoming#i ate veggies for breakfast (nothing but broccoli i love broccoli)#but THEN i ate an eclair and some chocolate. not like 2 squares or something it was likeeee 30% of a medium chocolate bar#then i had lunch. fried rice and some fried plantains. i might have overindulged in the plantains#by then i felt bad for eating all that stuff#and now i just ate 2 small cheese empanadas.... ouuhghhh i feel grosss#idk. this wasn't really an issue for me for a while but last month the doctor said i has type 1 obesity and. i just feel really bad eating#nowadays#i wish i could burn off what im eating but i hate lifting weights and shit. it's boring. i would rather take a walk but i can't get out of#the house#uggghhhh i hate having a body sometimes#yes i've heard the whole “there are no bad foods” spiel a million times but it's hard to listen when you've had it drilled into you that#you're fat and disgusting and you better watch what you eat. i wish i could hibernate and then wake up and not feel like garbage
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my toxic trait is i read everything y'all write and i eat it up and i love your ships like even though i probably wouldn't care about them if not for y'all writing i'd read your yelling about them gladly and i'd read 10 page essays about them but then whenever i have brainrot about my own ships i just think i'll be annoying yelling about them 💁♂️
#» out of character — ⌜main sup irl.⌟#i think in part it's#this thing the rpc (in general not league)#always had of 'you actually admit you're interested in shipping? disgusting'#kajsndfkajsnf#because yeah sure shipping isn't all there is to it#it's not all i enjoy writing or that i want in my blogs even#but developing relationships (romantic AND platonic) is literally one of my favorite things about rp#and i /do/ enjoy shipping greatly i love when we mash our little plastic dolls together it's so much fun it makes me feral sometimes#but i do love romance actually. i love complicated romance. i love enemies who have romantic feelings for each other#i love partners in crime and killing machines who get to be soft with each other. i love the idea of love possibly undooming the narrative#i just really enjoy romance (writing it. reading what you all write with it. all the romance)#i'd have hesitated to admit that before but. yeah i'm cringe but i'm free#(still get unreasonably anxious and think i'll be annoying everyone yelling about the ships in any blog)
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although i have a lot of hard feelings about romance novels and often come out of them 9/10 times with hatred and embarrassment laced into my heart i do think most people can agree that romance novels at large have developed in response to the control over people's sexual lives and how that's subsequently led to a desperate desire from the sexually repressed to be equal participants in a sexual environment. it's not so much that women want to be in relationships with dominant men to whom they play housewife or baby incubator or worse. it's that women want to be in relationships at all. and because the standard for relationships at large is the nuclear family, this is what subsequently shows up in your literature. why do you think religious women in particular are such a huge audience for romance novels despite the often conservative environment they grow up in? it's bc the consumption of romance novels does not exist in spite of that conservatism but bc of it. to be gatekept from any expression of sexual desire until you marry or until you fornicate for the purposes of having a child is to breed in young women a desire for what we would now no longer consider practices entailing any self-respect. you're kept in an ideological cage all of your life, naturally you reach for what's immediately out of reach rather than consider that there could be more out there that is available to you. it sucks! it's sad, it's horrific, it makes me wanna cry. but i can also never quite blame women for it bc they're not the ones who've created this environment of sexual conservatism (ie the real puritan culture, the one that hypersexualizes virgins by obsessively protecting their chastity prior to marriage bc said chastity can only ever belong to one man). man has. religion has. patriarchy has. why would i focus my hatred on women who are merely coping with the status quo rather than the systems in place that we actually have to change to allow for more sexual freedom and agency?
#to be deleted#like to tell you the truth. do i consider myself to be more self aware than most romance novel readers. yeah#but i'm twenty six. i grew up in a household where dating and sex were completely forbidden and i still live in it#and at all times i feel like i am constantly yoyoing between 'do i want to get married just so i can experience what sex is like'#and 'sex sounds horrid and controlling and disgusting and i would rather die a virgin'#sometimes i feel insanely deprived of an outlet and yet i don't ever pursue one bc the associated psychological guilt is unbearable#and then on top of it i'm a born hater so whatever high i presumably /could/ get from romance novels i simply. don't#but that's not the case for every woman. not every woman is born a hater nor has the mental fortitude for that#some of them want to cope. and idk i feel so bad like it makes me feel actively. depressed that this is what they have to turn to#bc they genuinely don't understand that there's more. that what's being held away from them like a reward#isn't actually a reward. it's bare minimum. it's exactly what religion and patriarchy want them to do#and unfortunately i am nonetheless party to it! i am convinced i could never kiss or have sex with a woman even though i vaguely want to#bc the religious guilt is supreme. it rules my brain despite not ruling it in so many other areas
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