#and so meaningful for me right now...
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Your emotive ability is amazing, I feel lost in those sad eyes... my heart is breaking too :'(
Sad Seb WIP <3 I actually make a sad puppy dog face when I look into his eyes whilst drawing him. My heart, it breaks!
#sebastian art#always appreciate a new seb from OP!#the juxtaposition of his expression and that umbrella...#sheer genius#so beautiful#so poignant#and so meaningful for me right now...#WARNING rest of tags just me rambling for my own purposes... proceed at your own risk!!#i realised just the other day that one of the reasons my moods have been so volatile lately...#is because i've been giving my poor sweet boy such a hard time in my latest fic#i often forget how deeply what i write affects me emotionally#i don't know if that's true for all writers or just me being cyclothymic#but i HATE making him sad and the relief i feel at having finished it...#...the desperate need i now have to make him happy again...#is summed up perfectly in how badly this picture makes me want to console him#i love you my baby boy and i promise mountains of fluffy fic are now coming your way! <3
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my gendered experience growing up as an intersex person was overwhelmingly defined by my responses and resistance to everything that got me labeled as a failure: failure to quickly get a gender assigned at birth, failure to go through a normal puberty and grow up into a woman, failure at meeting the standards for "complete womanhood" because of my intersex sex traits, and yet simultaneously failing to ever be acknowledged as a "real man" and being treated as a threat when I expressed I wanted to transition.
before i realized i was a man and came out as trans, the ways that girlhood was denied to me was very often humiliating and painful. locker rooms filled with other girls were a frequent source of shame. there were many big and small ways that i was told that my intersex body made me insufficient, incomplete, broken. i was forced onto estrogen, forced into shaving my body hair, and was constantly being told to change myself to better fit this mystical idea of a "normal woman." and even though I ultimately ended up becoming a man, the denial of girlhood was painful.
but i think that these things would have been even more difficult to navigate as an intersex girl if on top of everything I already said, i was having to cope with the denial of my girlhood while i was forced into boys locker rooms. if my doctors were forcing me onto testosterone hrt and refusing to even discuss estrogen, if all my legal paperwork had "M" on it and was a logistical nightmare to change, if every support group for my intersex variation labeled it as a "men's support group," if the LGBTQ community spaces i tried to join were misogynistic towards me often to the point of exile, if my self determination as an intersex girl was denied in most spaces of my life, and on and on and on. while listing all these things out i also don't want to make it seem like it's all about suffering and pain--so much of transition for me has been about joy in my self determination and how much it feels like a reclamation of autonomy to decide what I want my body and self to be like--i know this is an experience i share with so many of my trans intersex friends.
as an person who was AFAB, although there were many ways that trying to grow up as an intersex girl were a painful, logistical nightmare, many times and places that i was excluded from woman's spaces, etc. however, there was a simultaneous affirmation that i was right to strive for that in the first place. which is logic rooted in some fucked up compulsory dyadism, but also which would have made some things slightly easier or even possible at all if i had wanted to embrace being an intersex girl within this fucked up system.
pretty much every time i've seen people on tumblr talking about "afab transfems" in an intersex context, people seem happy to collapse these experiences and act like there's no meaningful distinction or point in distinguishing between different types of intersex embodiment. it seems incredibly extractive, to be perfectly honest with you--taking terms already used by a community to make meaning of their experiences and to expand and dilute that term enough that it means something pretty different than the original.
it's making me think about the concept of epistemic injustice, which is a term coined by Miranda Fricker to describe oppression related to knowledge, communication, and making meaning of the world. There's two subtypes of epistemic injustice: testimonial injustice and hermeneutical injustice. Testimonial injustice refers to the dynamic where marginalized people are labeled as not credible, excluded from conversations, and their testimony and knowledge is labeled as unreliable, even when they're the ones who are experts and have first hand experience of what people are talking about. (this is why i probably won't make this post rebloggable--i've noticed this pattern on tumblr many times where trans men speaking about transmisogyny get lots of notes and are given a lot of grace, where trans women are silenced, attacked for not having perfect wording, and otherwise delegitimized.)
the second type is called hermeneutical injustice. it describes how marginalized people are denied the right to make sense of the experiences in their own lives. this can look like preventing people from building community, terminology, a political understanding of themselves, and the interpretive resources needed to process how you live in the world.
this is a form of injustice that I think almost all intersex people are very familiar with--we are denied community and interpretive resources to the point that we're told we don't even exist, that intersex isn't a real word, and so many more examples that leave us isolated and with very few options for understanding what we're collectively experiencing. as an intersex person i really intimately understand how frustrating, confusing, and painful it is to not have words for your experiences, your identity, your life.
so it makes me really sad and pissed off when it seems like intersex people seem to be replicating this exact same type of epistemic injustice towards transfems and specifically towards intersex transfems. pretty much every time recently i see people talking about "afab transfems" they're doing so in a way that seems to deny that trans women even have the right to make sense of their own experiences in the world. there seems to be this mindset that these political frameworks, these interpretive resources that transfems have built up are just up for grabs for anyone. and then on top of that has come with it a lot of cruel, hateful language and direct attacks towards many intersex transfems who are facing so much harassment right now.
an important value to me is this idea of reciprocity as a foundation for solidarity. to me reciprocity means that we're prioritizing the ways we care for each other, we're thinking about how we can uplift each other, and we're watching out for extractive or exploitative patterns where one group is constantly expected to be in "solidarity" with another group without getting the same respect and care back toward them. i think that there could be so many ways that intersex people of all genders could share our overlapping experiences and actually be in true, meaningful solidarity with each other, but i barely ever actually see that happen on tumblr. and that pisses me off, because i do think that there's so much we have in common that we could celebrate and support each other with. i feel so much kinship with so, so many of my trans intersex friends, and ways where i see our lives converge. but i don't think that can happen in an environment where there's no acknowledgment of the ways that our experiences will sometimes (often) differ from each other, and the ways that we have unique needs.
another frustration i've had based on this most recent couple months of transmisogynistic intersex posting on tumblr is how intersex people have been mostly ignoring intersex community resources and devaluing the existing intersex terminology that people created to try to meet our needs. so much of what i've seen people describing on tumblr seems to really line up with the term ipsogender. Ipsogender is a term coined by an intersex sociologist Cary Gabriel Costello, and is used to describe intersex people whose gender matches the gender they were medically assigned at birth, but who might not feel like cis or trans fits them, might experience dysphoria, and who might feel like they've ended up transitioning medically or socially in some ways. this is a word that exists that an intersex person put time into coining because they wanted other intersex people to feel seen, embraced, and have ways of understanding themselves and communicating to others, and that's something that's super meaningful to me! and yet, i've rarely seen anyone reference it, and also seen multiple people making fun of it in other spaces online.
there's also intergender, which is another intersex specific gender term used to describe when your gender is inseparable from your intersex traits, and that your intersex identity is intertwined with your gender identity in some way. some people just identify as intergender, others use it as an adjective and exist as an intergender man or woman. intersex terminology like this is really important to me, especially because we're so often denied the right to make sense of our own experiences.
i think ultimately what i wanted to say with this post is just that when i think about intersex community, some of the most important values of intersex community for me are solidarity, care for each other, and affirming our right to define our own existence. and i don't think that can happen in a community where people are acting in extractive ways, harassing and attacking their fellow community members, and being dismissive of the realities of other intersex people's lives.
#personal#actuallyintersex#intersex#actually intersex#transmisogyny tw#this post is not going to be rebloggable for now but if any intersex mutuals want to reblog it i might turn reblogs on#this just feels like an intersex conversation in a way i would prefer not to do with an audience of spectators.#also a tangent: i do understand that agab is not a body descriptor. i think that agabs are a form of curative violence perpetuated onto us#this is something i've been consistent about expressing for years. if you go back to old posts you'll see that there's many times i've said#over the years that agab is messy. that i know people who were assigned one gender at birth and another gender as a toddler#who identify as cis and trans and a million other things. i understand that and im not interested in denying their existence#so. don't take this as a universal statement from me about every single instance of âamab transmanâ or âafab transfem.â but rather in the#context of the current dynamic i'm seeing on tumblr of widespread transmisogynistic harassment#that i think much of the way people are talking about this is exploitative and harmful#also i've made many posts before talking about how like. many things would change and become intelligble in a less compulsorly dyadic world#but we aren't there yet. and so there are many terms that are still meaningful and relevant for us right now#and as always: i am one intersex person with one perspective i like to hear from other intersex people including intersex people#who think differently from me
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Okay but it's super interesting how
Din = Power = Ganondorf
Naryu = Wisdom = Zelda
Farore = Courage = Link.
Because Din, in the hylian creation myth, created the physical world. Naryu then created the laws - gravity, time, etc. And Farore finally created life - plants and people.
Din created the body, naryu the mind, Farore the soul.
And the triforce and its wielders so perfectly reflect that.
Ganon is physical power, he is big and intimidating and he breaks things. He is cunning and determined, but that's not what he focuses on. He is might makes right.
Zelda is wisdom and cleverness. She is stall tactics and information and team work. She is a powerful mage with a spine of steel, but that's not how she'll win. She is the pen being mightier than the sword.
Link is courage and persistence. He is the wild card sneaking behind enemy ranks, always moving, plunging into terrifying situations head first. He's a phenomenal fighter with a keen wit, but that's not what will get him through his challenges. He is bravery not being the absence of fear but the triumph over it.
They sit in perfect parallels to each other.
And ganon is reborn through his body - his resurrection is immortality. No matter how low he is cast, as long as he has a body he can claw his way back. He can cling to his power, build it ever higher.
Zelda is reborn through the magic of her bloodline. It's the accumulated knowledge handed down for generations, the unique power she must master, the skills she must develop to survive and get her kingdom out the other side intact. Even her name, the knowledge of herself, is handed down from all the way from the very first. Her ancestors knowledge of her future presence, her stability, is what gives her the edge.
Link is reborn in spirit. He is not bound by flesh or blood. Just like his wanderlust soul he can reappear in any time or place. His variation, his unpredictability, is exactly how he fights. It's what makes him so hard to pin down.
Ganons need to build strength means he can't chase after link. Links impulsiveness means zelda can outwit him. Zeldas stationary predictability means she's an easy target for ganon.
But the other direction?
Fire melts ice, ice redirects lightning, lightning burns fire.
And that's the very essence of the triforce.
#It's little details spread across the games like this that just makes it work so WELL it's SO COOL#They're all great at all parts of the triforce but they CHOOSE to focus on the path most meaningful to them#And that's literally reflected in their unique cycles of reincarnation isn't that just AMAZING#And that's why the team up is so important! If they were all working against each other they'd be locked spinning their wheels#If zelda and ganon teamed up link would immediately die and if link and ganon teamed up zelda would instantly perish#It's the link zelda team up that means ganon is the one who kicks it#Also the elemental thing was cool but they do jump around a bit. Like wind is there half the time#In botk the gerudo have lightning and the goron have fire. Farosh still has lightning tho and dinraal fire#In ss lanaryu was the lightning and faron had water like its all over the place thematically. And that's when it's only 3!#Don't even get me started on the 5/7 lots notankyu#But that's the most common group and it's also thematically accurate#Fire being the only one able to self perpetuate with fuel. Can be banked up again. Ice compresses with time but needs the right environment#Lightning go boom đ you can feel the static in the air but you don't know when/where it'll strike and then it's all over#Like fr it's hilarious zelda and ganon are playing the long game and link runs past eats all the pieces and while ganons yelling after him#Zelda checkmates his king. And nobody can prove she wasn't cheating because nobody was looking lmao#Ah the duality of metaphors#ANYWAY isn't that so neat???#Reason no.372 why rhoam was a terrible king he didn't just screw up he did it âšthematicallyâš#If link had been allowed to run off and get dirty and if zelda was allowed to study her interest (like post kingdom fall FOR EXAMPLE)#They'd have won (like aoc) but nooooooo. I've already made a post (or 3) about it lmao I'll be quiet now#loz#legend of zelda#botw#triforce#loz link#the legend of zelda#zelda#loz botw#ganondorf#loz ganon
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In light of the recent announcement of the Harry Potter TV Show and the fact that this is primarily a Harry Potter fan fiction blog, the below needs to be said.
I am not excited about this show.
If you told my past self 5 years ago this, Iâd be shocked. Five years ago, if they announced a Harry Potter TV show Iâd be doing everything in my power to be involved some way or another. However, in the last five years JKR has shown her true colors and spent her free time and money attacking the trans community. There are many reasons why Iâm not excited about the show or looking forward to it in any regard, but to me the most important is that this show gives JKR more money and cultural capital to further her anti-trans agenda. This is unacceptable.
I think a lot of us raised on Harry Potter really wanted to separate the art from the artist, dive further into fanfic and fandom and just ignore that the woman who created a world in which weâve spent most of our lives escaping into. However, we canât do that. Itâs come to my attention over the past few days that a lot of people arenât even aware of the active harm JKR is doing to the trans community. Most people just say, âoh she said some weird stuff on twitterâ right?
Well, yeah. But, did you also know she launched an active campaign against a reform bill that made it easier for trans people to legally change gender? You know what happened? The UK blocked that Bill and Scotland now has to launch a legal challenge to the government block. Sheâs also funding a Sex Abuse Crisis Center that excludes trans women. Yeah, thatâs right. Sheâs using her money from a book about love and acceptance to actively exclude a marginalized group from a crisis center. Sheâs also publicly admitted via twitter that she funds anti-LGBTQ political activity in the UK.
So yeah, thereâs a direct line of fans supporting official trademarked Harry Potter anything and that money directly harming transpeople. Sorry for that rude awakening, but some of yâall are doing backflips to avoid seeing this.
Now, is there a way to prevent Warner Brothers (and Max, lol) from making this show? Probably not? After mergers and at a point when the tv and film industry isnât booming, they need money. You know what makes money? Harry Potter. Which is why theyâre rebooting it. Another question thatâs been raised, will the looming writerâs strike affect this? I would guess probably not? Most UK writers (and International writers at large) are not in the WGA. JKR has always wanted the most amount of British people involved in Harry Potter adaptations, so theyâll use the strike to find a UK writer and get them to work.
So what can we do?
Donât watch the show. Or, if you do. Pirate it. In fact, cancel your Max subscription before the show launches.
Theyâre going to spend A LOT of money on this. If the numbers arenât there for them they will do what every other streamer does with an unsuccessful show and cancel it. They announced 5 Fantastic Beast movies, and yet...whereâs that last one?
Anyway, thanks for reading this whole thing if youâve gotten this far. Please share with friends who are excited about the show. Please engage in meaningful discussions with other Potter fans. Please support our trans friends and strangers.
Once again, this blog says FUCK JKR.
#harry potter#I don't know if I'm supposed to censor her name or not but tumblr's not like twitter so I don't think I have to ?#idk let me know#my asks are open for meaningful discussion#but any anti trans retoric will be deleted and blogs will be blocked#I know I spelled retoric wrong but it's too late now#trans rights are human rights
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I said this in tags on another post, but itâs relevant and deserves its own post (I should be reading my usual pre- sleeping fic selection, BUT! I had this revelation -being sleepy is useful once again! -)
They NEEDED Steve to disappear, to be gone. To never care about Bucky anymore. That way they could treat Bucky as they see fit, and that means treating him like shit.
Steve would NEVER accept or allow Bucky to make amends, he would NEVER let the government take care of Bucky or be part of his ârehabilitationâ in any way shape or form. Thatâs why he became Nomad, thatâs why Bucky stayed in Wakanda. He would had fight with teeth and nails for Bucky.
âHe died already more than once! He was a victim! A prisoner of war. He saved the fucking universe. What the fuck do you mean with amends!â
He became a wanted criminal for that same reason, to not let them have Bucky (nor other people in a fucking watchlist)
They needed Steves relationship with Bucky to become bitter, to be nothing more than a memory.
Steve being in retirement wouldnât have cut it andâŠ
Bucky was always going to follow Steve, no matter what.
So they needed him to stay alone (or with a companion that didnât really care as much as Steve, enter Sam)
This way they killed two birds with one stone in Endgame: Reinforcing Steves âloveâ for Peggy, because âheâs NOT gay, you guys!â, and the partial isolation of Bucky.
#steve rogers#bucky barnes#stucky#i had this revelation bc Im sleepy af#also I love Sam but cmon! he didnât believe much in Bucky and then was friendly with him bc of Steve#they didnât have a good relationship really#more like friend enemies? sorta#idk I already said that I donât care much about marvel nowadays#and I mean that#but I had this thought and was huh that actually makes so much sense#partial isolation of Bucky bc he doesnât have anyone that really knows him as Steve knew him#sure he can have friends o be friendly with others#But its the same problem Steve had with meaningful relationships and shared experience#also Steve loved him and believed in him unconditionally#who else is going to do that for him now?#Thats why they NEEDED STEVE GONE#and being on retirement wouldnât have cut it#this only makes my hc of Old!Steve being a skrull stronger#also Steve replacing Bucky with Peggy on his mind and when he speaks bc of internalized homophobia#everything makes sense!#im actually like the dude from that meme where hes with a board filled with stuff and like see im right!#i need someone to talk about this omfg my friends canât care less about ny favorite things dude why#also this really makes sense to me and will become my favorite headcanon because canon is shit and doesnât make sense#i need things to make sense and to be logical ok? at least in character#and endgame Steve wasnât Steve Rogers#old!steve wasnât even Steve wtf
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So here we are
...again
#a preview for next week#because i'm losing my mind over the next chapter#in the best way#i wrote this chapter last fall with no intention of it ever seeing the light of day#i was just having fun writing for them and getting to know them#the word 'again' has a link to my first post of the two of them#the photo i took right after finishing this chapter the first time#it felt fitting to recreate it now#as time went on i really wanted to share their whole story#and then i heard this song and it sparked inspiration for this entire arc#every time i hear the intro i see this image of the two them walking together#so it was fun to finally create it#it's so simple.. nothing special really.. but meaningful to me nonetheless yknow#for me... sharing this chapter now feels like a full circle moment#even tho we're only half way through this arc lol#anyway.. i hope you enjoy this week's chapter as much as i've enjoyed writing it and bringing it to life#enjoy the good feels while they last lol#đđ©”#aries outtakes#atlas extras#asher extras#spotify
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.
#i feel like my presence here has narrowed so much because my life has narrowed so much to encompass mostly pain and frustration#with the medical system and disability and the state of my fucking country#and the occasional highlight of my cats#i can't work on my art#it's agonizing to even try and i wind up crying#and it's because this horseshit rigged system has ripped the safety out of it#i might as well give my work away for free since they want to take 100% of my earnings out of my check#which like i am not even remotely opposed to giving my work away (would prefer even) but we need the money and i'm not allowed to keep it#i don't know#my life is just so small right now and i don't know how to find meaning again in a world that keeps so much of what i love away from me#it's a slog and every day is the same#and nothing i do feels meaningful#except holding my cats and being with my boyfriend#and that's about all i can do.
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It's been less than a decade of legal gay marriage in the US (2015) -- not even the majority of my life -- but it really feels so far in the past. I was reading a fanfic and was like "why is this so weird about gayness??" and then I remembered the source is set in the 2000s - the author was just being time period accurate. And like. Okay I remember gay marriage. I remember first hearing about it when I was 8 and it taking a couple years but becoming a thing and in 8th grade (I was 14) I had a teacher who was queer married but would never talk about it but in 7th grade some of my classmates had a younger teacher who would gush about her wife. I've heard again and again, "growing up, gay marriage wasn't legal. I didn't have hope for a happy future." I remember that post with the flower girl dog "a few years ago, this wouldn't have been legal" "and for a second I lived in a world where homophobia didn't exist." Just this idea that gay marriage being legal is the norm for me and young people in most of the West. It's not new anymore. We still hear news about gay marriage being legalized in other countries but it's just so normal here now. Kids today aren't growing up under the othering idea that gay people can't get married -- they're growing up in a world where they're going to meet happy gay married couples and they're going to know gay people get married not because they've had to wait for decades for it to be legal, but because they met and fell in love and got engaged afterwards. They can see their happy future. We're so lucky.
You know who has had gay marriage legal for the majority of their life? A 15 year old. Not that young. I'm so grateful for everyone who came before and made this happen. I'm usually such a downer about the state of the world but some things aren't so bad. Some things are quite nice after all.
#to be clear i am acearo. but it's still meaningful to me as a major step for queer rights and for my childhood self hearing about Gay and#not knowing where i fit in but knowing i was somewhere in the 'LGBTQIA+ community'#gay marriage#reflection#kids#growing up#queer#gay#I said this#gay history#american#i looked it up and i think school had just got out when the descision to legalize was realized#so i didnt really get to talk and hear about it from my classamtes#i also remember when it was Gay instead of Queer#that's sort of a more personal langauge change but just the focus on gayness instead of now we have gender and many orientations#but when i was a kid Gay was still the focus. Gay being accepted doesn't mean we all are but it gets a foot in the door and it's a proxy fo#general society's willingness to see the Other. gay marriage is another step of acceptance of the Other
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So if you care to find me Look to the western sky As someone told me lately Everyone deserves the chance to fly
#sims#ts4#sims 4#photoshoots#character verse#luz ferreira#I should give her a glinda. I'll give her a glinda#this song is literally so meaningful to me right now#in the context of me having a big epiphany about my current life where I'm playing it safe vs what I actually want to do#which involves changing jobs and cities#and it's arguably the first time I'm doing something this big for myself solely because I want to and quitting the people pleasing and fear
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Enough discourse, I wanna post about headcanons
The Vees are a polycule to me, but in a way that I can't even explain without an entire slowburn fanfic (stay tuned. I'm a slow writer). But I will try.
Velvette:
I do adhere to the lesbian Velvette headcanon. She's dating Vox and still occasionally joins Valentino for a threesome with him. When she first joined the Vees, Velvette used to identify as bisexual (and still loves the bi flag colors the most) and all three of them used to date, before Velvette realized that she's a lesbian.
She and Vox are still dating, and they have an open relationship.
Vox:
Vox's response to Velvette coming out was, "So you're breaking up with Val?" Yes, his pronouns are he/him. No, he's not a man. He'd long shed the fleshy confines of humanity and gender along with it.
Vox is aspec, agender, autistic. To me. He's sex favorable of the 'I want to do it for my partner's enjoyment' flavor. Watching from cameras brings him just as much enjoyment, and he watches everything and everyone, living vicariously, a voyer through the screen. As a result of that, he's so so touched starved, but his sense of feeling is muted (the consequences of betraying flesh in favor of the machine). Soft touches to his synthetic skin don't really register, his sense of feeling restricted to mostly pressure and pain, so he's become a bit of a masochist in response because that's something physical.
Valentino:
He just likes sex. He chases pleasure in any form he can find, dopamine rushes from numerous drugs, orgasmic release, the rush of power from crushing someone underfoot. Anything and everything, he'll try it all. And none of it is really enough, so he'll never stop chasing more.
Valentino doesn't consider his relationship with Vox romantic, even if Vox totally does. They're friends, sure, business partners, absolutely, and fuckbuddies wherever Val is in the mood for it. But romance isn't Val's thing. That's hard work, and Val saves romancing for potential new hires he wants to sign a contract with. What Vox and he have is also written down on a contract, joining their businesses together too closely to be parted without blood, but it's not the same. Not to Val. So, he wouldn't call Vox his boyfriend, but he also wouldn't correct anyone who said they were. Vox is someone he can let his guard down with, one of the few people who would never want to get out of the contract their names are signed on. They work well together. That's better than any romance you can get in Hell, Val thinks.
Val and Velvette are catty besties. Pan/Lesbian solidarity and hostility all in one.
#the vees#hazbin hotel vees#hazbin hotel velvette#hazbin hotel vox#hazbin hotel valentino#okay i hate typing official tag. we're done here#not done with rambling in the tags tho#ace Vox vs Alastor having wildly different experiences with their sexuality so that even tho they are the same sexualityâ#that only drives them further apart. is something that can be so meaningful#to me!!#also human Vox in my own little headcanon world had So Many body issues that becoming a TV was an improvement to him#but it's hell so he's still disconnected from his own body by the fact that his skin isn't flesh and doesn't feel#the nerves he came to hate have burned away and the fibre optics glowing inside of him are coldâ unfeeling light#and now he would rather feel pain than feel nothing#he's rewired his sensors so that pain becomes pleasure - or as close to such that he can feel#velvette is the newest vee of course and she was dropped right in to Vox and Val's situationship#and she quickly found out that Vox doesn't just like watching - he also likes being watched. it was not shocking discovery#he likes her watching Val and him fuckâ he likes Val watching her fuck him.#and he loves cuddling at the end. she loves it too. they can be so soft. i can make them be soft >:3#so import to me that their relationships are so fucking toxic tho. they're soft and they're horrible <3#Ace Vox
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. not snz
on healing and on fear (tags)
#(typed this up at 3am and scheduling for later) no one needs to read this đ#today i went back to the site where i got injured back in may to partake in a sport which i haven't touched at all since the injury#and i think what struck me was the realization that#i don't know if i'll ever be able to stop being scared again :')#for a time climbing was very special to me...#it was one of the only ways i could feel myself improving so tangibly when improvement is usually so difficult to track#i liked seeing myself get better at something đ i liked going with friends and puzzling over the same problems... i liked having something#to look forward to after work. and perhaps having something to look forward to sounds simple... but for me it meant so much :')#for the first couple months after the injury i couldn't wait to get back into it#and then one day i woke up and i was just afraid#the fear feels so much more tangible now that i know i am not overreacting... it's awful knowing that in a way i was right to be afraid#i always knew there were risks associated; i have always been cautious#but i had just been starting to learn to be braver đ#and fuck... today i stood there and looked at the wall and thought. how can i ever not be afraid again?#how can i go back to how things were before? when i loved this? when i could tell myself that - despite the fear - it was meaningful to try#i wanted to come away with the takeaway that i could take things slowly and get back into climbing - maybe precisely because#i remember so keenly how i loved it - but how could it ever be the same?#đ i know this is just part of growing up but#in some ways i am tired of growing up... :') in some ways i just want that joy as it was then#delete later probably#i suppose i haven't lost anything but typing this made me sob for something i couldn't quite name
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its like. it seems a little silly to me when people can fully recognize methods of queerbaiting in bbc sherlock or whatever but when it comes to the gacha game space its either like 'wow, i can't believe they didn't realize that they were making this kind of gay!' or 'wow, i can't believe Evil Asian Censorship prevented these characters from being queer!' or like maybe the game was produced by people who made intentional creative decisions aimed towards making people spend money. just like how all mainstream media works. sorry
#any question of whether genshin queer codes on purpose was answered when i found the utena soundtrack reference#so the question 'are they queercoding characters' is not helpful to me. yes. they are. 100% they know what they're doing#but the stories being told with these characters & relationships are not usually... meaningful#their queerness does not provide any extra dimension to their story or character#and i think a lot of people would get mad at me for that but it's like if you just watched the utena hand reach and that was it#like wow. they would find each other in any universe. okayy and... anything else? okay.#WOW THEYRE PINK AND PURPLE? WOW. TELL ME MORE#and i DO think there's exceptions (ARLEVIE. ACHESWAN) but again. these are exceptions#and also no one in the fandom cares about actually discussing the characters. it's just like yay they're gay! let's go home now#noooo one cares about arlevie and it makes me sad#and acheswan just turned into arguments about whether toxic yuri has a right to exist#SORRY AGAIN#j rambles#ignore me
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I think that part of what like. kills me about the whole media literacy and critical thinking aspect of enjoying media these days is that people refuse to like. contextualize that
A. Bad media can still hold significant meaning to people
B. Media made for a demographic you arenât apart of is not inherently bad media
C. Media made for and consumed by the opposite demographic is not inherently shallow or flawed nor is it above criticism for its media tropes either.
#unimportant thoughts#i dont feel like dropping specifics in post but like. people online drive me legitimately insane#good example is Ready Player One. its an okay book but people LOVE to hate on it for being a shallow nostalgia grab for old male demographic#and like. yeah. but also comsider that it Was written earnestly by a man in that demographic? and that people enjoyed it???#and maybe im soft hearted but my Dad was a nerd in the 80âs so both of us reading that book and comparing our experiences with it and#learning about his childhood from him. it was awesome yk??? was the book groudbreaking or particularly moving? no#are there a lot of fair criticisms you can make about the book regarding its poorly written female characters and painfully male tone#throughout? absolutely. its not the most vile piece of media its barely mediocre and its not the best thing since sliced bread either#and it kills me because instead of being able to have conversations like thay#people just attack and attack and attack and ATTACK#I donât know i think the rise of this booktook wattpad level romance smut is another big part of this#are those books incredible? no. definitely not. are they decent? yeah theyre fine enough#are their characters shallow; do they follow tropes; are the characters clearly romanticized objects for us to googoo eye over? yeah#so fucking what??? they arent winning pulitzer prizes theyre just popular online and easily accesible#people love consumbable media thats not an inherently bad thing#and i think its hypocritical for people to defend one and attack the other or even to attack both#media doesnt exist to be appropriately Deep and Meaningful before people are allowed to consume and enjoy it#like. i think theres a LOT of levels of undestanding compassion and respect that people need to reach before these conversations are worth#anything. because right now it really feels like girls and boys arguing back and forth on the playground over whos show is better#anyways. i could go on but i wont.#bottom line i suggest you take a deep look at how ârealisticâ and âmeaningfulâ the media you enjoy actually fucking is before you start#critizing other media for being too shallow or unrealistic depictions of something#hate to break it to you guys but 90% of fictional characters are fictional and dont act like people irl ÂŻ\_(ă)_/ÂŻ
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Silly Game Time: What was one of your favorite games as a kid? Could be a video game, a board game, a schoolyard game or sport (like tag or volleyball), etc. And what is one of your favorite games now?
SILLY GAME TIME. i've always liked the monopoly deal card game.
#social tag#đ#funny story i originally typed out a very long answer that was way too meaningful and personal and didnt have the right tone#and it was a lovely chance to reminisce on all the games i invented with my siblings. but it was not right for tumblr so i chucked it#in my diary instead. thanks for giving me the opportunity to float down memory lane a little though#i should play more games more often#what's your favourite game? now and then? i'm curious.
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Sometimes being a fan of a band means forgiving some really stupid lyrics
#right now I can hear âit's a slow dive / when you dive slowâ which. shit dude it sure is!#also comes to mind is the time Autoheart rhymed meaningful/taboo#and Hozier's âyou treat your mouth as if its Heaven's gate/the rest of you like you're the TSAâ I don't know why the TSA line irks me so#but it does!
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Huge shoutout and cyber hug to my friend @feroshgirlsims for reading through my whole GIL series thus far, and leaving so many wonderfully engaging comments!! She is a new Simblr, so show her some love, she deserves it âĄâĄâĄâĄâĄ
#this is the first time that I have had someone comment as they read thru#and my little heart is just exploding right now#I'm so shy and so this also helped me so much with my anxiety when it comes to interacting with people#you have no idea just how meaningful it is#SERIOUSLY!!!#we are simblr besties now and i luff you and thats that!!#gif warning
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