#and show people how terrible i am
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Keep hearing people say maribug keep asking adricat if he's ok and he keep saying he's ok instead of telling her his problem but I don't remember it happened more than once in s4 in Rockettear but even then the circumstances of that episode did warrant the "nothing" answer he gave her unless he want to tell her that "nino tell me you let nino and alya know each other identity" which will reveal adricat identity. So when else did she ask? about the thing in hack-san, I think another credit goes to alya since she's the one who bring the topic to maribug who seems to be blissfully unaware that her leaving without telling adeicat that she send subtitute would be a problem.
I didn't get into this side of things in my other post because it was long and I wanted to focus on why Chat Noir's behavior was so frustrating, but this ask brings up the other big reason why the season four conflict was such a frustrating and terribly written plot line. Specifically, the part of your ask where you point out that Maribug seems blissfully unaware that her actions are having a negative impact on Chat Noir until someone points it out to her.
Yes, she is presented as blissfully unaware of this and every other interpersonal conflict we're given in season four. Your ask treats this as a failing on Maribug's part as if she should have obviously realized that she was in the wrong, but that's the whole problem. Telling kids - telling anyone really - that they should just magically know what others need is a frankly terrible life lesson as that's just not how the world works. You cannot just assume that everyone will have the same view of the world as you do and instantly pick up on the same issues as you do. That is the path to easily avoidable frustration and conflict. It also teaches people to assume that their view of the world is inherently correct when that is rarely the case. We often don't know the whole story and the other person's point of view may end up being equally or even more valid. This issue is extremely present in season four as Marinette has legitimate reasons to behave the way she does, which I'll get into in a bit.
If Marinette were written as feeling guilty about how she was treating Chat Noir, then this would be a different story. She'd be way more in the wrong and would shoulder a much greater portion of the blame. But as is? She has no idea that she's doing anything wrong. And until someone takes the time to tell her that her actions are causing harm, she is going to continue causing harm because she has no idea that she's causing harm.
In fact, I'd argue that the Alya thing in Hack San is a point in Maribug's favor. Throughout the episode, we see Marinette sending Alya messages on ways to be a good partner to Chat Noir, proving that she does in fact care about him. And then, as soon as Alya says, "You need to talk to Chat Noir," what does Maribug do?
She goes and talks to Chat Noir, giving him a pretty good apology for the problem she now knows she caused. Because, shockingly, Maribug doesn't actually want to hurt her partner. She also clearly cares about his feelings, making me want to take the season four conflict and tear it into itty bitty pieces because what is the conflict even supposed to be when you write shit like this?
I want to briefly step away from Miraculous and talk about this issue in a broader context via this YouTube short:
This short is from a Vietnamese woman who moved to Germany. Her YouTube channel is about her experiences there, including things like the short above which goes into the differences between what it means to be a dinner guest in Vietnam and what it means to be a dinner guest in Germany. In Vietnam, it's apparently standard for the guests to cook dinner with you where as, in Germany, you're expected to have the meal ready when the guests arrive, making this a situation where it's super easy to come across as rude just by doing what you think is normal.
Society is relatively aware that these types of culture clashes are a thing, but you don't have to be from different cultures to have these types of situations. Every person has their own unique needs and ideas of what "normal" is. The culture they were raised in will affect this, but so will their family, their personal needs, and many other factors. Two people can be raised on the same street and wind up with wildly different world views even though they supposedly share a culture. This is extra true when you add in compounding factors like neurodiversity, which is why it's an exercise in futility to say, "But Maribug should have realized..."
Well, she clearly didn't. And you can't change that she didn't realize whatever you're mad about. All you can do is have someone tell her what she's doing wrong. If she then continues the behavior, go ahead and judge away. But if she immediately corrects it like she did in Hack San? Doesn't that just prove that she truly didn't know that Chat Noir was hurting and would have probably fixed all of his problems if someone just pointed them out to her?
This is only exacerbated by the fact that Marinette's behavior in season four is largely unchanged from her behavior in previous seasons. The only major change is that she revealed her identity to Alya, but as soon as that's pointed out as a problem, she course corrects with an apology. After that, she thinks that everything is okay because why wouldn't she? Chat Noir said it was fine and everything else has been business as usual.
Bringing temp heroes into help as needed? That's been going on since season two. Having these additional members has been vital in multiple battles and there have been plenty of times where Chat Noir took a background role to the temp hero of the day like in Sapotis, Rena Rouge's season two debut. So why would Maribug suddenly think that this dynamic is a problem when it's been working fine for so long? We even had a whole episode about how Chat Noir was still needed in spite of the new heroes back in season three! Or, at least, I think that was Desperada's message? This show is shockingly bad at giving clear lessons.
Keeping guardian knowledge from Chat Noir? That's also been going on since season two and was even treated as a conflict that supposedly got resolved in the episode Syren which was the episode that ended with Master Fu coming to the mansion to talk to Adrien after everything was over.
When I watched that episode, I assumed this meant that Chat Noir was going to be more involved in things like picking the temp heroes. I actually thought this was how we were going to get Queen Bee because I knew she was going to be a thing, but it made no sense for Marinette to pick Chloe for a miraculous. Of course, I was wrong. Nothing changed after Syren. Chat Noir remained nothing more than the comic relief while Ladybug got all the insider info.
To be clear, I think that was a terrible move writing wise, but it doesn't change the fact that this is what they went with. This is the established dynamic. I can't even say that Alya learning Marinette's secret led to something new. She's just taken Marinette's old role while Marinette has taken on Master Fu's old role. This show loves it's status quo and Chat Noir has been at least tolerant of that status quo since Syren, so it's not surprising that Maribug doesn't register that this is a thing that should change and no one bothers to point it out to her even though she has a mentor in Tikki (and Su Han, I guess?) and a confidant in Alya and a whole slew of Kwamis who could also provide insight if they were allowed to do that sort of thing. (Sass and Wayzz were robbed of mentor roles.) Additional blame goes to Plagg because he should absolutely have told Adrien to talk to Ladybug. What is the point of giving these characters mentors who never mentor? It's aggravating in the extreme.
To circle back to the first part of your ask, outside of Hack San and Rocketear, I don't think there are any times when Ladybug invites feedback from Chat Noir unless you want to give credit to the end of Kuro Neko:
Cat Noir: (lands next to her) I've been a really temperamental kitty, m'lady. I didn't realize how much trouble I'd make for you by giving back my Miraculous. Ladybug: (sits closer to him) Just because I don't need you all the time doesn't mean that I don't need you at all, Cat Noir. No one could ever replace you.
Which isn't Maribug inviting him to tell her what's up, but she is clearly willing to listen to him and reassure him, further backing up my point about this conflict being some of the worst writing I've ever had to suffer through. If Maribug always fixes the issue as soon as she learns about it, you are not writing a situation where she's clearly in the wrong. You are writing an easily solved communication issue where she gets blamed for something she clearly doesn't realize she's doing wrong and it is so frustrating!!! I feel so bad for her. The next episode is Penalteam, btw, which starts the battle with this gem:
Ladybug: (laughs) Nice scare tactics, but it's not gonna work. Cat Noir and I are the best at soccer! Cat Noir: (Whispers to Ladybug) I don't know a thing about soccer M'lady. Maybe it's time to call the real team?
And basically just spends the whole episode making Chat Noir seems like a worthless partner while Maribug tries her best to make him - and everyone else - feel special.
Oh, and the episode before Kuro Neko? Well, it's technically Ephemeral, but that got magically overwritten so let's go one further back and we get to Dearest Family, which ends with this:
Cat Noir: (grabs a golden paper crown on the coffee table) Since I'm the king, (wears the crown on his head) would you be my queen, Ladybug? Ladybug: With pleasure, kitty cat! Tradition is tradition!
Oh yes, these two are in such conflict and Maribug does nothing to validate Chat Noir. He's in pain every episode and she's just totally oblivious to it.
If that was what they wrote, then I'd probably agree that we needed more instances of her asking if Chat Noir was okay. But it's not what they wrote. If you look through the list of season four episodes, you'll find that less than half of them deal with the supposed conflict of the season (by my count, only 8 of the 24 episodes before the final actually showcase the conflict and they are not in a logical order in terms of escalation as I tried to demonstrate above). The rest of the episodes flat out ignore it or even straight up work against the conflict like when Ladybug says this to Chat Noir in Guilttrip: "I probably don't tell you this enough, but I couldn't do this without you. And it'd be a lot less fun too."
Seriously, what even is this season? What is the conflict supposed to be? Because it sure as shit isn't Maribug undervaluing Chat Noir, if memory servers, season four sees her validate him more times than any other season. And it isn't her guiltily hiding things from him like so many fanfics claim because we have multiple points of evidence that prove that she's completely oblivious that there even is a conflict. So what conflict are the writers actually trying to write?
What's even more baffling is that none of this logically leads to the loss at the end of the season:
Maribug's new secrets didn't lead to her downfall. The only reason she lost was because of the secret that's always been there - a fact that's never revealed to her - and a freaking evil twin! So why did it matter that Maribug was keeping secrets? This is made even worse by season five maintaining all of the secrets, once again begging the question of what lesson were we trying to teach here???
Chat Noir wasn't needed for the final fight of the season, Maribug only needed the powers of a few of the temp heroes to win, a baffling ending to a season whose focus was Chat Noir feeling unimportant. You could scrap that conflict entirely and the ending would not change. In fact....
Adrien quitting to be nothing more than a good little boy who obeys his father would have actually saved the world from eventually being rewritten. If you think about it, the season four final actually punishes Adrien for being defiant. So does season five as, if Chat Noir had quit, his father would still be alive. I thought this show was supposed to be a romcom, not a tragedy. Why is Adrien being punished for being a hero? Is this supposed to be karma for lying to Ladybug with the whole Catwalker thing?
This shit is why I say I'm a writing salt, character sugar blog. I can't get mad at the characters when they're in such a nonsense story where things never logically tie together. They all deserve so much better.
None of this is meant to imply that ignorance is a blanket excuse for hurting others. Nor is it meant to imply that you have to forgive someone who hurt you just because they didn't mean to. There's a ton of nuance around these topics. But season four acknowledges none of that nuance while creating a situation that desperately needed nuance because there was no clear right and wrong here. Should Maribug work to be more aware of others feelings? Sure, but that journey can only start after she's made aware of her faults and no one ever points them out to her. Does Chat Noir need to work on clearly communicating his needs? Desperately, but no one is teaching him that lesson so he remains a terrible communicator who suffers in silence. What impressively bad writing.
#ml writing critical#ml writing salt#adrien deserves better#marinette deserves better#kuro neko salt#my queendom for some good character arcs#and good story arcs#there's just so much squandered potential here#ml fandom salt#ml fandom critical#Adding those tags because I am sick of people holding Marinette to unrealistic expectations#This was long so I didn't add this part of the rant but:#It's important to remember how much we know as an audience vs what Maribug knows#Adrichat is really good at putting up a front that everything is fine#And Marinette knows nothing about his homelife when he's Chat Noir#Plus the show has made this kids kinda terrible at understanding Adrien's home life
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tbh the more setting details i notice the more i realize how the other Vees are signaled as complicit/participant in Angel's abuse.
It's not just Velvette's 'love potion' being used in an attempt to roofie him out in the world - it's a huge poster of her advertising the 'love potion' put up in Val's studio, notably paired with a Voxtech 'Trust Us' poster on another wall. When Vox is walking past posters in his first appearance, Angel Dust posters are noticeable, along with a Love Potion advertisement that features both Val and Velvette and a poster that just seems to be for the Vees in general. When Angel backs away from Val in his dressing room, a scene where he's been taken out of sight of Charlie and is alone with Val - up pops a Love Potion on his dressing table to one side of him, and a Voxtech camera trained on him on his other side. The other Vees are present, in spirit. When Vox and Val fuck off at the end of Poison (and there's YET MORE to be said about that moment) and Angel finally has his moment of genuine breakdown, there's a Voxtech camera in the foreground pointed at him. Even when he's 'off-camera' he's not safe from observation, and even when he and Val are 'alone', the other Vees are there.
also Velvette is wearing the same outfit she's wearing in the Love Potion poster as she is in the finale, I don't think that necessarily means anything but well. i noticed it
#the vees#angel dust#hazbin hotel meta#happy days in hell (hazbin tag)#abuse mention#cw abuse#mainly been noticing the hell out of this bc of the handful of people who'll be like#'i like the other vees but not Valentino i hope they get rid of him/leave him etc'#bc the implication is always 'valentino is worse than the other two'#but like. aside from their own terrible activities it really is crazy how much 'no comrade. OUR abuse victim'#shows up in the setting and staging details#which i love. they're all SO awful and SO tight-knit i am foaming at the mouth to see more of them next season#but also goddd Angel's life somehow gets Worse every time you pay closer attention. baby.
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It turns out the most fun way to engage with Barchester Towers is to map the characters on to other characters/people from the future that Trollope couldn't have known about.
Dr. Grantley = Squidward (ambitious, a bit pretentious/likes the finer things in life, tries for dignity but is easily angered)
Mr. Harding = Winnie the Pooh (sweet and small and simple and friendly and likes his little songs)
Mrs. Proudie = Mrs. Oleson (very opinionated domineering wife)
Mr. Slope = Rasputin (oily guy who uses spirituality to prey upon women and gain power)
#books#barchester towers#anthony trollope#i can't explain the delight of the sitcommy scene where grantley and harding have just faced the other two#and come away overwhelmed by the horribleness#and grantley's all 'this is war. i am making plans. we have to destroy these people before they destroy us.'#and mr. harding's just 'i didn't like him very much.'#the comparisons are making it easier for me to figure out how trollope's pulling this off#like squidward's annoying and not a terribly good person#but he's nothing compared to rasputin so of course i wind up on his side when this new guy's on the scene#also mr. harding is becoming very beloved#the scene where it mentions that his weakness is doubting himself#so after slope gives his speech condemning music and ritual as empty outward show#and poor mr. harding who loves his music is like 'was i wrong to chant the litany all these years?'#i'm like 'first off. relatable.'#and second i want to give that man a hug and some cookies#i will come and listen to your beautiful choir mr. harding!#in this list i feel like i should have a comparison character for dr. proudie#he's not nice and mild and sarcastic like mr. oleson#mr. collins came to mind but that implies a verboseness and an over-the-top level of bootlicking that's not present here#like you've just got a guy who's willing to go along with the people around him#as long as it helps his ambition he's glad to let himself be used#there's got to be a decent comparison but i can't think of who
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Recent images I suppose ~
#First one is THE LONG series of GEESE that fly by!!! my aforementioned friends... Or I think I referenced them in tags of some post#days ago. and how I love watching them. See how many there are? And multiple of these will go by. It's like hundreds of them.#Then just the sky because I love the sky. My hair looking ridiculous as it always does when I brush it out of the four big braids I always#keep it in to keep it out of the way lol. I just find it silly how small it can be all braided up and then as soon as it is Released and#combed then it poofs into some sort of swamp dwelling wizard style.#Then... a daily word count... have been so busy the past week that I sadly haven't written much but I'm WORKING on it. Still on the blasted#'odd jobs' tasks sections which were SUPPOSED to be very quick and short. but.. alas.. Though I am on basically the last one. You go work#for one of the enchanting specialists in the city (very important in society since a majority of people cannot do that type of magic) and#basically he just works so much he has no time for a social life so he hires random people to sit with him in the afternoons doing menial#tasks. You show up thinking you'll help with some Important Job or something but hes just like 'no... peel this apple for me.. :)' lol#Edit note: arrgh just had to fish a slippery avocado pit out of a narrow garbage disposal drain with a chopstick. felt like some#sort of taskmaster challenge or something.. gods... I know some people just reach into them. I guess maybe#my hand would fit?? but... erm... scary. what about Sharp Things in there or something.. also Sludge of some sort perhaps.#ANWYAY.. interruption... I got up to go to the kitchen in the middle of typing my tags... lol..#Next image is SLEEPING boye.. And then PIGEONS!!!!!!!!!! my beloveds...#Oh then the giant evil hole in my bathroom ceiling which is STILL not fixed and the repair people still have to come back again.. BUT they#did have this terrible industrial dehumidifier thing they put in the bathroom and just left here for like 5 days and it was like a noisy#hairdryer going at all times and raised the heat in the bathroom from 65F to 76F in like two hours so.. I'm glad at least at their#last arrival they've finally taken it away.... the Noise Beast... silence in my house at last...#though I am still plagued by Mysterious Hole.. the plastic wrap rustles sometimes when I'm in there.... go away...#Ah. Then a delightful little lemon poppyseed muffin someone didn't want and then gave to me. Which was interesting since I haven't#had one in soooo long even though its like a very Classic Flavor.. I do quite like them though now that I've had one again. :0c#Lastly.. mushrooms. I think it's the mushroom season here. Everywhere you go outside there's some new manner of fungus#having popped up from nowhere. I like the variety of all their little shapes. These in particular have an interesting wispy curled layers#sort of look to them. Almost like a shaggy hairstyle that's curled up at the ends or something. They seem neat to draw perhaps.#Okay.. that is all.. I still have literally like 2 costumes and 12 outfits and I think 1 sculpture? to post.. but I am so busy this is#what I can manage for now I suppose lol... quick pictures that don't really take any sorting or cropping or editing lol#photo diary
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#personal#internets#at this rate I've unfollowed both of the kinda.. 'controvercial' blogs I've been following#since there was a good chunk of actually good takes about how bad media is now and society and braindead internet 'activists' that-#-had it too good in their western countries and NEEDED to invent the reason to bully and excile people#could honestly resonate with it despite some other posts causing genuine pain. but mostly about terribly handled media#like you know that thing when corporations do terrible ass rep to pretend that they care for minorities#or artificially fabricate online backlash against their new actors to show investors that people show interest for their product because-#-of all the clicks on their article?#like discussion of this kind sorta keeps me sober#as a person with BPD I get contaminated by opinions VERY easily and as an autist I will believe everything if it is put together 'logically#that's why I HAVE to be exposed to every possible opinion so I am forced to make out my own rather than being swayed anywhere#but at this point those blog became kinda.. bad? like they don't just have 'opinions' but they hate just to hate#but now my dashboard and recs are full of exclusively things I can fully agree with and I am scared that it will rot my brain#like.. emotions are always the same. where is the 'wait WHAT' effect? where is anger? where is self-reflection?#but ALSO I realized that 'those' blogs are no better than those western 'warriors' I despise and they become narrow-minded too in the end#they advertise themselves as 'open to debate' only to always sway debate into trying to win and not into actually discovering the truth#I cannot trust any side because they're all narrow-minded and hostile but I cannot trust people without any side because-#-they're fence-sitters without morals that side with the winner#is there a secret third thing? like is there a way to not take a side but to still HAVE ideals and opinions?#my problem is that if I am not exposed to people that trash everything I value I forget why AM I valuing [a thing] to BEGIN with#and that won't do will it
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How many things do you think need to be set on fire to disrupt capitalism enough to create a livable society? Asking for a friend
#mango rambles#capitalism#watcher#dystopian society#just watched a speech about how terrible the overturn of roe v wade is#keep hearing how companies are canning movies as tax right offs or strangling the life out of diverse content before it gets made#fucking governments fucking everything up#looking at uk and us#fucking joke on the tv tonight about how nhs staff shouldn't be bothering with making 'signs showing 23 genders' because cancer isn’t cured#was a sign with pride flags on#some of them genders some sexualities#i hate the british media#feel bad for not donating to causes because i could but where am i supposed to draw the line?#is this the right one to donate to?#i don't feel comfortable donating to multiple because I'm trying to cling desperately to my money and any little advantage or safety i have#but im not giving other people that same courtesy#because which one do i donate to?#the person who can't afford food?#the family getting out of a warzone?#the family trying to get their son or daughter or father or aunt or sibling out of a warzone#the person who needs their cancer stricken cat to get surgery#the homeless content creator#the homeless single parent trying to be a content creator to gain any money#the people trying to raise money for dying relatives they adore#its not even doomscrolling its because i watch one video of people suffering to hear them out#give them time to speak so their video gets views#read their post becuase there are capitals and red letters and begging and i don't want to reblog or repost something that spreads misinform#ion#nothjng is nice nothing is pleasant#everyone is mean
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I don't wanna put the person on blast, but you're watching an irreverent comedy about objectively terrible people. There's all of 1 relationship at all that's "loving" and the guy admits he'd fuck anyone that remotely looks like his wife. That same guy is also very open about having sex with men, and he says outright he's there to fuck (and never specifies who or even what). Like, queerness isn't just love, and sometimes it's just sex and fun. That doesn't make someone not queer. Also, you know, half of the couple you wanted to be canon outright is gay and said he's gay. He's still gay even if he's single.
#Penguin talks#I understand wanting loving relationships#But it feels weird to expect it in a show full of terrible people#Since I'm single am I no longer queer? is that how it works?#I'm so sick of the word queerbait
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Okay, I know I've literally never talked about Supernatural before on this blog but I actually am a massive fan of the series. I could honestly run an entire separate blog about it. Anyway I rediscovered Milo Greene's song "What's the Matter" earlier and it got me thinking about the episode Bitten.
People have eased up on this episode in recent years but overall the general opinion is still pretty negative, which I think is sad since this is probably one of my personal favorites. Keep in mind it's been a couple years since I've rewatched the show, so I'm running mostly on memory here.
First things first, I think it helps keep the series connected to its roots. After season 5, they kept trying to one up themselves in terms of stakes, ultimately leading to such events as "Satan's son's birth opens the multiverse". And we were sitting in the aftermath of Dick and the Leviathans™ where the show was heading back on its stride, so it feels really nice to just remind us where we began. Saving people, hunting things.
Second, it actually does a lot for the worldbuilding. We get to actually see the perspective of both the people being saved and the things to be hunted, all while they have to grapple with it. While they may not be the most compelling, it was really important we got to see the evolution of these friends, a view into the mundane yet interesting history of these regular people's lives. That way it really hits when things go to shit, you (or at least me) genuinely wish things could have gone differently for them. These people had dreams and goals, loved ones, and now two of them are dead and the other is on the run. All that and they still manage to convey it in a way that feels mostly organic.
On top of that, we get a particularly interesting glimpse into how Sam and Dean look from the perspective of strangers, including some interesting character details. Their shenanigans, their work. We really never get to see people who recognize them from other things (like don't they technically still have warrants for their arrest?) so I thought it was cool how the characters pick up on that.
The found footage aspect is usually hated by people, but I thought it was a really cool way to see it unfold. Cause remember, they could have easily just given us an episode from someone else's POV. But instead, we experience it as the brothers experience it. Context for certain things is missing, there are time jumps and finally it ends with a message directly for them both.
It makes sense that they would film what they do too (for the most part). We see that these are people who record fun and mundane things just for the hell of it, so of course they would record one of the most strange and harrowing events of their lives. In an era where people record strangers for internet points, it's honestly refreshing to see people record mostly just for the sake of capturing memories or entertainment for themselves.
I know a lot of people like it, but it holds a special place in my heart. When I think of the heart of the show, I don't think about the world ending or the multiverse or any of that, I think of stuff like this. Things that really stick in your mind.
And also that song fucks.
#like some people say its annoying but i disagree#the song feels so calming and has such a nice vibe that i think really fits the ethereal tragedy of the episode#supernatural#dean winchester#sam winchester#the winchester brothers#plus like in a show with gods sister or Gay Angel Superhell™ or A TERRIBLE HABIT OF KILLING GAY CHARACTERS IN THE WORST WAYS#is bitten really the worst we can find#found footage#LIKE THEY REALLY THINK THEY CAN JUST KILL CHARLIE LIKE THAT AND THEN REPLACE HER WITH A NEW ONE#AND EXPECT ME TO NOT HOLD A GRUDGE#SHE WAS MY FAVORITE I WAS SO UPSET WHEN I WATCHED THAT EPISODE I THOUGHT NETFLIX JUST SKIPPED CONTEXT BUT NOPE THATS JUST HOW IT HAPPENS#at least dean got to go on a “you killed my baby sister you fuckers” murder spree against the Stynes#but man this show did not treat gay people well. im honestly hesitant to go back in fear that ill see some transphobic shit#thats lily simpsons job not mine#saving people hunting things#the family business#sorry this post is significantly more rambly than usual i am so tired
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biting. biting. biting.
#having thoughts and feelings about ‘relationships’ and companionship and partnership and whatnot.#aro thoughts.#<if that shows up in a tag and people see it ill kill someone#i just. im grateful to have escaped the confines of amatonormativity to the degree that i already have#but im exhausted by how much of a fucking Process it is#i have dear friends that i can have and will again fight terrible circumstances to be with.#i have two lovely roommates who consider me a life partner at this moment in time#when my friends say they might movei start planning how to visit them.#my friends mean so much to me!!! and i am so grateful for them!!!#and i am so MAD that its taken me so long to know that thats. fine. and allowed#i love every single one of my friends like the sun is going to burst out of my chest.#and i am also constantly trying to hide that#why!!!! from who!!!! my friends?????#they deserve to know!!!!#but somewhere along the line it got twisted into my brain that the way i love is shameful#maybe its the rest of the shame complex but whatever#and i. have fallen into structure traps before#because i dont know what the structure for a relationship like this looks like!!#i dont know how to express ‘i love you and i want to build a life with you and also crawl into your skin’ in like. a platonic way#and sometimes i express that and end up in a romantic relationship which fails . because it is a structure that does not fit the shape of#my love#i also! get scared!! when expressing how big my love is!!! i worry that someone will try and fit me into that structure again!!#i dont fucking WANT that structure! im sick of it i fucking despise it! it doesnt fit and i hate it#but when i say ‘i love everyone ive ever met like they are the morning sun’ i worry my friends hear it and think it is too intense a love#for the structure they have set up for ne#anyways. a lot of this is really difficult to put into words#because its FEELINGS#op
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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again
sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now
Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.
And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.
and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.
no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.
and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.
im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.
and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently
in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.
there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.
no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.
#you know it's funny#i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this#on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and#the friend that i lost last year checked my account and#i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me#because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry#bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man#i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot#but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also#i dont fit in that friendship anymore#but im still really greatful#for checking up on me even like this#*most of my life#noticed a typo#idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself#all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday#im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations#trying to convince myself that its oka#it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im#terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi#g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul#i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda#hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not#that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m#friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread#knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb#i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps#anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but#i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much
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okay i need to find something to crochet or knit or sth cause i really cant spend one more day just sitting in my bed doing nothing
#i used to hear people talk about how having to be quarantined the 2 weeks was so hard and i didnt get it#bc 1. i love being in my home and bed and 2. during the duration of all the lockdowns i went out once just around the block bc it snowed#and in retrospect it heavily impacted my mental health but at that time i was perfectly fine with it#and then at uni when i didnt have lectures id hardly ever leave the house and id be mostly fine with it#but theres something about being locked in my room bc of covid that is making it feel terrible#and like ive been watching shows and i read like 200 pages of a book yesterday#so it's not like my life has changed#but i just want to go do thiiiings. ive been in bed nealry all the time since friday night#also i now hate speaking with people apparently? like mom will come ask me if i want any food or my sister will text me to ask me how i am#and i just get so agitated. i don't know why. but yeah tumblr is the closest thing to communication i can deal with#okay gonna go find some scrap yarn project to start while i finish my heartstopper rewatch#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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“Dean still isn’t Jacks dad” “which brother is more misogynistic” “name [character] transgression” do you people ever talk about anything remotely interesting or is it a constant miserable pissing contest to see whose baby wins the pageant
#watch 14x07 and grow the fuck up already oh my god#how are you gonna be a supernatural fan and whine about them doing bad things THATS THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF THE SHOW#this isn’t even a media literacy problem you people are just fucking insufferable#and can’t do anything except try and one up your favs all the time#holy shit#every day I become more grateful to be in my own little corner with ppl who actually understand shit#god#cal.txt#spn#spn fandom#jack kline#dean winchester#sam winchester#castiel#tfw2.0#being a jackgirl is terrible enough but being a jackgirl who understands dean is a fate worse than death#you people are so incorrect all the time ❤️#dean crits when a traumatized man acts traumatized 😲😲😲😲#dean crits when people change for the better and try to break their personal cycle 😲😲😲😲#half of this fucking fandom when the process of breaking abusive cycles isn’t linear or domestic and angsty#I am so TIRED#I’m not in a bad mood but I’m annoyed and have a headache from the movies sooo idk . fuck y’all
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my anxiety is unbelievably fucking bad rn. i am so scared
#purrs#delete later#ask to tag#(putting slashes thru things so that they don’t show up in search btw)#i have no right to be scared bc im not there. but im so scared for the people of ga/za. and i am so scared that… idk. it’s completely my#fault bc i go looking for these kinds of things on purpose to hurt myself. but i doomscrolled last night about ww/3 and the possibility of#nu/clear war being fueled by is/rael’s ‘war’ on pale/stine and not only am i sick with fear about the people living directly in that region#but i am so fucking scared of the possibility of nu/clear war. or like. any war breaking out in the us. which i know is a ridiculous self#centered thought to have but my anxiety is out of fucking control rn and it has been getting worse throughout the week. i just don’t know#how to wrap my head around the violence of this week. and so few je/wish ppl i know irl are antizi/onist and ppl just expect me to be#supportive of is/rael jsut bc im je/wish and it makes me fucking FURIOUS not only because i resent these horrors being committed to innocent#people in the name of my own people but it is so extremely dangerous to conflate j/udaism with zi/onism. the consequences diasporic je/ws#are goi ng to face are of course nowhere near as central or all-consumingly violent as the people in gaz/a and i feel personally safe enough#as someone who (and i know this is kind of a terrible thing to say) passes very easily as a go/y (esp w a mask on) and has a g/oy last name#but i am so fucking terrified of the antise/mitism getting worse here and have been exposing myself to evidence of it even though it is#extremely destructive to my mental health. but also i deeply resent the rhetoric around ‘reach out to your j/ewish friends they’re suffering#rn’ because…. we are not a monolith nor are we the direct victims in this situation and it just feels so uncomfortable and centering to make#it an issue of silence etc etc when… there are innocent ppl in g/aza who are experiencing terror no human being should ever have to endure#and most of them are children and they are the people who will ‘pay’ most directly and immediately and severely for what happened a week ago#i just feel so fucking on edge from this entire situation and unable to do anything to help when the destruction is imminent and this#nightmare of a country is at the core of so much suffering in this world and it will take centuries to undo it all and in the meantime so#many innocent people are going to die and maybe the entire world will be destroyed by nu/clear war which we are basically begging for at#this point. it’s so hard to function in my personal life when i am keenly aware of what could be happening at any moment#i don’t know how to end this post. im just fucking scared and there’s nothing i can do
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#the PROBLEM is. some properties I like I cannot even talk about my Criticisms™ because if I do it attracts people whose side I am NOT on#like in the case of a certain british procedural show adopting old mystery novels that went on hiatus a lot. I did not like season 4.#but that is not because The Ship didn't go canon and it CERTAINLY wasn't because I never thought any of the show was good in#the first place. and I don't like The Main Ship of the c-chibs era but it's because the way it was written was VERY much not for me.#it's not because I think the whole era is trash (that ship was really the ONLY part of it I didn't like I loved everything else)#I DO have beef with some of the choices in season 8 of The Gritty Deconstruction Fantasy Show but they sure weren't ANY of the issues#that anyone else had!!! and I don't think it retroactively ruined the whole show actually!!!!!#like it's just so frustrating. especially since sometimes I DO want to break down what I consider to be unfortunate writing choices.#and I DO want to complain sometimes! but so much of the discussion around various properties is taken up by me just.#trying to explain that I'm allowed to like it in the first place and defending why I don't think it's Unconditionally Bad#so I can't ever like. for example. discuss the deaths in 8x03 and my issues with THOSE as character endpoints#or why they killed mary and had her husband act terribly to her for no reason just before she died#or how shitty it was in the last era for me to see ANOTHER character be mentally ill but in the most unobtrusive palatable way possible#(and then also make that really weird comment about a previous love interest??? who WAS unpalatable in many ways--though not like.#canonically mentally ill. even if I and many other people are drawn to that interpretation.)#perHAPS I want to talk about my confusion over the story's handling of j/d for reasons that are not 'I hate these characters' or#'that's pRoBLeMaTiC and you shouldn't ship it because that's pRoBLeMaTiC'#maybe I WILL just make a 4-hour video essay unpacking all my Thoughts™ on that show. because people don't have to watch it!#they could just hit the back button!
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Tumblr sorta needs a 'Mute' feature in my opinion. Like what if I don't want to block this user, what if I don't want to become enemies and in some days I'd like to interact. But also most of the time seeing how they avidly encourage everyone else whereas I get the passive-aggressive 'oh yeah very uhh... interesting... (please leave me alone I don't like your art lol)' makes me want to unfollow every single fan of these characters and never draw them again.
I remember two years ago the exact same thing happened when someone liked the same character and the same ship and I swear I was the only person in the fandom they bluntly left out and could not spare a single good word for. I can't even blame this on my art being "ugly" because this type of user always aggressively praises all art styles and all levels of skill, it feels more like 'a personal thing except we never fought a single time'. And now my toxic trait of needing approval from [cool person name] is back to haunt me years later! Add the unability to "abandon" this character/ship/whatever despite wanting to after facing so much unspoken passive spite, because I am a contrarian and the best way to trap me into doing something is to try to exclude me from it. I didn't face attempts to very aggressively bully me out of the yard/class/community/etc, sometimes with physical violence included, only to let something mid like passive aggression online finally do it.
I am really stupid and naive person despite my age, but in like 5% of the cases I will still understand the hint and understand what is going on. Yet I have to pretend to be clueless even in rare situations when I know someone hates me, because since they never admitted it, quitting will be perceived as me being "paranoid". But dear goooood, it hurts sometimes. I hope that one day I will be numbed to being treated as a tumor on an otherwise healthy body of society that someone is dying to amputate- and always a person whose approval I want, of all people. Knowing that this day will come is one of the things that keep me going as both a person and a creator. Things like viruses and diseases still try their best to persist, so even if I am actually one, I should persist. It doesn't matter whether I actually rot everything around me or this is just my self-depreciating delusion upon focusing on people that mistreated me and not people that loved me. What matters is persisting, I just still feel angry that it hurts. I can't respond spite with spite or passive aggression with passive aggression, I can't do the 'smug asshole' when I become aware that someone tries to starve me until I "die". I can just fall over and cry about it like a kicked dog, despite being so old, especially when it is a person I didn't have anything against.
And really.. It is as simple as turning the internet off, so I don't see The Person and can focus on doing stuff that I like, as if they never existed and can't crash my self-esteem. It is just annoying to keep doing this, a feature to not see them unless I am in the mood would be better. Like.. blocking is not an option. Not only it implies being enemies which is not my intention, but also it will be like an "evidence" that I was "crazy". They didn't do anything, right? Well, they know what they did, but it was never verbal, so it is my fault I "imagined things", right?
#/vent#/negative#/HEAVILY negative#fandomry rambles#like I started crying typing this do not read it unless you already know#it is just stupid how I don't even need any sort of drama to *just* annoy people to THIS severe point#like I said even before everything there was a very similar situation#I just evoke some primal hatred in specific type of people#it is probably what happened with maasanox but they apologized and moreover felt bad vibes from the stalker bully idiot#it is more like that meme from Lilo and Stitch#'ah yeah all artists and other creative fans deserve knowing they are liked and talented and supported...'#*katya walks in* 'EXCEPT THAT ONE!!!!!!!'#the punchline is that the two years ago guy and todays guy are fans of the same character#I swear the fictional bastard has abnormal ability to reveal the ugliest truths and bring out the worst in people#like the last time someone kinned the twink every single person here showed their true face and that was painful#not a single person got spared of showing what they were made of and me lacking spine was the LEAST of the sins brought up for judgement#you see this is why truth hurts. because people are terrible. truth is always ugly because WE are always ugly#I kinda love him for that but seriously can he stop making the worst things surface for FIVE minutes lol#in my excuse I am TRYING to kill my 'inner child' because these problems are too stupid but it seems impossible#I am a kicked dog with rabies in the past today and always
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