#and she never really gave a fuck about how he felt esp in regards to prison but also the rest of the relationship

[tinylilvalery]

Shiv weaponises her vulnerability to victimise herself to force Tom into forgiving her [1][2] + doesn't respect his boundaries [3][4] when he needs space from her.

1. In 1.10 Shiv comes clean to Tom on their wedding night about her cheating on him, AFTER their marriage (despite Tom asking her beforehand and giving her a chance then). Shiv weaponises her vulnerability into forcing Tom to forgive her, bringing up how when they met she was a "mess" and in a "very bad place" and how she needs him and also tries to gaslight Tom about their relationship never being monogamous. He forgives her because he's in a difficult position (divorce on the same night as marriage?? She didn't give him an out to call off the wedding beforehand and waited until after he was secured), he loves her, and he's forced to sympathise and accept things.

2. Shiv only apologises to Tom when she sees how cold he's being with her in 4.8. There's real danger he's actually done with the relationship. The kicked dog isn't returning to heel. She apologises. He doesn't accept it (you don't have to accept an apology, especially if you're still upset and someone is tryna force an apology on you because THEY feel bad and want to alleviate their guilt and return things to something that THEY'RE comfortable with). She uses the fact that her dad just died, which doesn't change the fact that everything he said in the prior fight was true. Their relationship had been shit for ages prior to Logan's death, therefore Logan's death doesn't excuse the rest of the relationship, and he's still immovable. Damn, he's always comforted and folded to her before, he's not doing that right now. Shit. Bring out the heavy. I'm pregnant and it's yours! The ultimate card to reel him back. He wanted a baby right? But he doesn't even believe her now... Why should he care anyway? How much has she ever cared about him?

3. In 4.7 Tom walks away from Shiv and goes to the balcony, needing space, telling Shiv he's tired. She doesn't respect this need for space and corners him on the balcony, literally not allowing him any reprieve, and actively mocks him for being exhausted, pressing and pressing him until he snaps, despite the fact he didn't even want to fight in the first place. He needed space and wasn't allowed to have it.

4. Tom is exhausted and stressed out of his mind in 4.8 with his job (something that means the world to him and yet also something Shiv has never taken seriously - and how could she understand the importance it holds for him when she's a nepo baby). He asks Shiv to talk about this another time and that he can't do this right now. She doesn't respect his request and presses her needs above his and takes him aside again and isolates him, and then acts surprised and offended when he doesn't respond how she wants him to. Ironically if she had actually respected him asking to talk another time when he wasn't so stressed, she might have gotten the results she wanted: Tom back in her pocket.

[quenthel]

ok since I started thinking back on my dragon age characters fondly lately I will talk about them at least just this once...

I didnt much develop my Hawke bc what the game gave me felt enough... just went ok yeah shes a bit more masc and tall... thatse it...

I made two wardens but the only one that matters is named Briell Surana. I originally made her an Amell bc I wanted her to be related to Hawke but then i scratched that idea but by then I got married to the blue eyes black hair look I specifically gave her so she kind of looks like default Hawke.

Her whole deal is that she thinks she is the best mage to ever live and she would never succumb to any temptation bc its all a skill issue. Gets mad at Jowan not bc he became a blood mage but bc he was a loser about it. I wanted her to escape the circle bc the Cullen thing creeped me out so badly i couldnt stop thinking abt it and all the implications of how templars treat mages... Tbh I didnt roleplay a lot back then w my choices so she was just making the cookie cutter "best" choices bc I didnt think too much abt the rp element of this game. But then Inqusition came out and I got obsessed w thinking abt what she would be up to and gave her this epic villain arc. Like she would become cruel after being a warden for so long and saving the world without much recognition... she is an elf and a mage and a warden so that probably weighed heavily on her esp since most of her friends either fucked off or forgot about her too... So I had this idea of ok maybe she shows up during that warden questline and she is like a bit out of it. Clearly she is an incredibly powerful mage and she uses blood magic to fight demons with demons but she has no regard for life and she is incredibly reckless. Only cares about Leliana (with whom she has a horrible strained relationship with... like think about what Louis and Lestat have in iwtv lol that type of shit but less intense). She hates Cullen tho and while he is still into her and remembers her fondly that image of her was never truly real and she never was as agreeable as he remembers etc... Her closest friend is like... Sten... and maybe some of the ppl from awakenings lol... ALSO bc I was mad that Morrigan was straight I imagined that she spend a lot of time helping to raise her son... and maybe something happens between them... And honestly I'm more invested in the Inquisiton era of her bc that was one of the first times while playing when i was really like okay... what would SHE do...

[spurgie-cousin]

RE: Sister Wives

I’m so glad they’re finally being honest for the cameras. Christine & Janelle saying, very plainly, that Kody favors Robyn and her kids has been so refreshing. I feel like they’ve been dancing around this for years, at least on camera, and hearing them say it and how their kids are also saying it to Kody and Robyn is just great.

Yes!!!!!! I feel like Christine leaving gave them all permission to open up about all of these things people have been speculating about for years, and pretty much all of them have admitted it's been an issue since even before COVID and the pandemic just exacerbated it. Learning that ALL of Janelle's kids are either angry with him or cutting him off completely based on his treatment of their mother and that they've felt that way for years was really crazy, esp since the show's never even kind of touched on it (until recently). It was also interesting to learn about the divisions in the older kids regarding Kody, how it's basically Janelle and Christine's kids vs. Robyn's and Moriah (who might just be neutral actually idk). I thought Kody and Robyn sounded SOOOO immature when they talked about the thing with the kids in their talking heads. Robyn accepts the victim role and acts like she has no idea why everyone's so upset and, while I kind of agree it isn't her fault that he treats her so differently, it's stupid for her to brush it all off as "well I guess they just hate me and my kids ☹️". If she just ACTUALLY listened to what they were saying for one second without her Victim Goggles on she'd know it has everything to do with Kody's behavior and nothing to do with hers. They lash out at her sometimes because it's so hard to get through to their immature father (which is very apparent after listening to him talk about the situation, he sounds like a teenager).

Agreed I don't think Kody has any right to start a whole thing over Truely moving with her mom, it sounds like Christine is literally her entire support system in Flagstaff. Another thing that *really* got my gears grinding was hearing Robyn say that it wouldn't be 'fair' to ask Kody for help with HIS children and that's why she had a nanny, it felt like a dig at Christine because wanting more help from Kody was a big thing for her (also when Kody talked about BABYSITTING his own goddamn children like....don't even get me started). And I'm like look, lady..............I get that this man has a million kids and responsibilities but this was his fucking choice, he was the one who decided that he was capable of physically and emotionally supporting this many people and if he's failing that's on him. Saying it's not fair to ask for support for his own children is just absolutely batshit insane to me and if they really believe that Christine is wrong for needing more support, I take back every benefit of the doubt I've ever given them and they can just fuck off.

[volfoss]

how about ranking bucciarati's team?

regret to inform you that ur gonna get a very long answer bc i have passionate feelings about them all! also trish is in this bc she is part of the team and no one will tell me otherwise and will also include some rambling bc it is me and i have so many feelings towards these characters and none of them r cohesive

under the cut just in case (post writing yes it was long)

Giorno Giovanna:

way way more complex than ppl normally give him credit for (i will not go into feelings on how a majority of the fandom treats him unless ppl want me to then i will in fact make a very long ranty post and will not be stopped)

mildly op (esp at the beginning with how hes kind of able to just use his stand really well w no problems altho i think thats true of most of the jojos that we have seen animated?)

i am emotionally attached to him and want to give him a big hug

hes just a kinda goofy kid and is maybe a bit not good with figuring out hey this is a semi dangerous situation maybe i shouldnt be taunting him (leaky eye luca for example)

has the actual best theme

i love how he works off the rest of the team so well (even w members who do not like him)

is in my top 3 jojos i love this kid sm i would adopt him if he was real

7/10

Bruno Bucciarati:

the fucking way his character develops from licky man to best dad material is my favorite thing

his outfit is so so so good i would die to wear it

in general this man is one of my fave jojos characters and i get a lot of comfort from him

hes just really neat and has a good taste in music

he did his fucking best and i will always love him for that

imo the way that his death was drawn out was genuinely one of the most heartbreaking deaths in the entire series and fucks me up each time i think of it

i feel like he really is the one to hold the team together in a way that everyone feels cared for and saved

def has a savior complex tho for sure

dilf but im ace

also manga superiority bc he either makes the stupidest faces or looks very nice (anime has a lot of weird animation in regards to his face) and also because its lingerie there instead of a tattoo that changes thickness and placement every second

10/10

Leone Abbacchio:

guilty pleasure liking man

i am obsessed with his vibes and wish to become him

i cannot physically express just how much i love him but hes one of my faves of all time (not obvious by my theme at all wdym)

i miss his manga palette but also the colored manga isnt my beloved but also black lipstick abba

hot take maybe but anime abba looks better than manga minus the lipstick debacle

hes so so tall and i will steal his height in a nice way

his past man his past it fucks me up

his death fucks me up normally but when i was rewatching recently, i saw he gave this tiny lil smile after helping the kids get their ball and i could not take it anymore

him and brunos relationship (canonically and out of canon too) is one of my favorites in the series

also fandom hot take as i guess i am doing those for everyone- but ppl either have him as cosntantly trying to murder giorno or being like good son and v out of character, and it is really weird? not sayign that ill do better when i write them but also like im convinced some ppl havent seen the show or smth

i will steal both him and bruno and marry them both <3

this man is beloved i love him to death

10/10

Pannacotta Fugo:

i cannot spell his first name to save my life

also fandom take- ppl make him constantly only angry boy all the time and it really irks me. ik araki did not give him 2 much to work w in terms of canon personality but its frustrating

the light novel purple haze feedback is so so so good and adds sm to his character and i really like it for that!

fugo is one of those that imo deserves a lot and didnt get that

genuinely the vibes between how he treats narancia is v interesting to me, like its clear he cares about nara but nara not doing great w math really frustrates him

i love their interactions and how he is genuinely a kind person at times

the manga colors r superior here, my strawberry boy <3

i just really love and appreciate him a lot and wish that ppl gave him more love

i keep getting assigned him on kin quizzes

very smart good boy

ALSO ok fugo did not do any wrong by leaving

unsure if thats a hot take but i genuinely dont blame the character one bit for leaving and again purple haze feedback really delves into that and why he did it

if ur a fugo fan go read it

his past is really upsetting esp in the anime i will cry over it

his stand is adorable and i wanna hug it

his vibes r fun and i wanna gift him strawberry dangly earrings

8/10

Narancia Ghirga:

this boy i am also adopting (i am adopting most of them sorry)

i really hate how ppl act as if hes stupid bc bad math skills do not equal stupid like did ppl not see the fight w formaggio??

the way he just fucking dove into the water after the boat and how brunos face went all soft and happy it will never not make me cry

he is constnatnly making me wanna cry if i think too much about him for 2 seconds i love him sm

how can anyone not adore him when he set an entire street on fire yk

hes just happy despite his past and it makes me sad i love nara sm

torture dance is one of my favorite memes from the show

ALSO ok the way he died so suddenly absolutely broke me bc the remaining team members r really just seeing everyone die in front of them so quickly

his goofy and laid back moments r my fave

i love just how loyal and caring he is to his friends

his stand is really cool and again the fight w formaggio was so fun to watch

8/10

Guido Mista:

probably my least favorite member of the team for a semi good reason:

the jokes towards trish are really really uncomfy and how fugo doesnt wanna be involved but he is pushing him to do something that makes him uncomfortable did not make me like him a lot

hes goofy but not goofy enough for me to be ok with the repeated jokes about that esp in the body swap episode (ik it was supposed to be funny but it just felt off)

his vibes r good but i wish we got to see his hair

the fandom interpretation is normally pretty good of him overall?

despite not loving him a lot, i really enjoying writing for him (one day might open up headcanon requests or smth but unsure)

hes someone id wanna watch movies w but his taste in movies and mine r very different

love how he and his stand get along

honestly has very very good comedic potential

i really like how he and giorno interact as the series goes on (in a platonic way i need to clarify that i love their friendship)

again him in purple haze feedback was really interesting

probably a 5/10?

Trish Una:

beloved and deserved better

her first outfit in the manga > outfit in the anime

actually in general i believe in manga trish superiority like her hair in the manga looks so cool

her stand her stand her stand i love sm

if u dont include trish in the group i am murdering u <3

HER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!! IS SO GOOD!!!!!!

fandom gripe is how people either pretend she does not exist or has the trish first introduction thing where shes using her defense mechanisms and acting a bit spoiled

OK but her in purple haze feedback!!! mild spoilers but how bruno was taking care of her post the ending of vento aureo makes me so happy each time i think of it

very mad that she canonically didnt really get an ending and yet again PHF my beloved actually gave her that

how spice girl starts out as a stand thats helping her thru a very stressful situation is so cool and i love it

DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO *frothes at the mouth*

but more seriously how she leans on bruno and begins 2 trust him and nearly point blank is referring to him as a father figure always fucks me up

esp because of the resulting fight afterwards

and the very ending of the arc that ends w bruno being like bye gonna go in the clouds and look ethereal now, oh man it makes me so sad

bc giorno is the only one that knew what happened and people that were closer to bruno due to knowing him longer didnt

i wanna see how trish coped w that personally

despite being introduced not at the beginning i think her arc and character in general were as well paced as it could be!

9/10

finally done! sorry that took so long but oh man i have so many feelings towards these guys its not even funny

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

I love the purgatory prayer for the Emotions and acting choices. But at the same time, I'm really bothered by the implications that it was wrong and unreasonable of Dean to be upset about his mother's death and he should apologise for that. I mean, apologising for your behaviour is great, but that's his mom, and Cas did fuck up in this situation, Dean had every right to be pissed! Esp since it all really happened not so long ago.

Idk, that's probably my problem with the whole Beren's anger arc in s13-15: they repeatedly gave Dean very good reasons for anger (bc he's still a protagonist), but then turned around and acted like he's crazy for expressing or even feeling it. It just doesn't sit right with me. Also, it felt kind of redundant after the MoC plot, which was also about Dean's rage. And tbh, to me, MoC storyline handled this theme (for the most part) better.

Sorry for ranting in your ask box, you are my fave meta writer in this fandom, and it's always interesting to see your pov on different aspects of the show.

Thank you ^-^

I agree! It’s actually curious that you bring up the MoC arc because earlier I was thinking about it... That was different, because the “rage” was programmaticly trauma. In the Carver era Dean’s mirrors are characters like Claire, Amara, characters who lash out from a place of pain and betrayal. That was clear and intentional.

The narrative drastically shifted at a certain point from “the MoC draws from your inner darkness” (which was more in line with the “dark variation on fantasy” thing they played with back then) to “the MoC draws from the Darkness” but at the end of the day it doesn’t really change much, because Dean and Amara are the same. In Supernatural’s horror variation on the fantasy classic, there’s no clear lines drawn between who’s Frodo and who’s Gollum and who’s the Ring, because there’s no magical source of evil, but evil is trauma. (But Dean is definitely Frodo, who gets his return to the Shire at the end that he can never quite enjoy because everything’s changed - I’m pretty sure it was planned all along that Mary wouldn’t be The Perfect Mother, because she was supposed to be Frodo’s return home, things can never be the same after the journey. But I don’t think Mary was supposed to just get killed like that.)

The Jack arc feels different because Dean also lashes out from pain and trauma, but somehow the narrative is not compassionate to him. The narrative of the Carver is kind to Dean, it gives him the return home at the end.

Now, people have been making jokes and memes about Dean in the Jack arc - how he was basically the man resentful at the child for killing the wife in childbirth, how he was “baby trapped”, how he and Cas were respectively husband-coded and wife-coded... well, that’s not an incorrect assessment...? Dean was painted as an angry man, you know? Not as a villain, of course, because it was still acknowledged that his anger came from a place of pain and trauma, but in a way where he cannot understand his feelings and doesn’t really have much to write home about in the emotional intelligence department.

The Carver era painted Dean as a wronged woman in pain slash Frodo who thinks he’s Gollum or even the Ring itself, the last seasons painted Dean as an angry man who somewhat can’t recognize that anger comes from trauma. (I’ve always said that the tragedy of Dean is that Dean is aware. And the tragedy comes from the helplessness. That’s how I read him, at least.)

Obviously not all writers write Dean the same which results in a picture more complex than this, but this at least is the general gist of it, imo. Or, at least, this is one side of the issue.

The other side of the issue, as you point out, is that the narrative doesn’t seem to allow Dean his feelings. I don’t know if it’s a reaction to the Carver’s era tendency to write Sam as vaguely unsympathetic and Cas as chronically suffering from bad decision syndrome, but possibly - Sam is now the sympathetic one (at least in theory, because Dean always defies intentions...) and Cas is Definitely Taking The Right Decisions. So everything regarding Jack is The Right Decision, because Jack Is Good And Will Save The World, and Dean... Dean is chronically wrong and an ass because he doesn’t quite jump on the wagon. (Despite being cool with getting on the wagon on his own terms, based on his own assessments.)

Jack is repeatedly shown as naive and dangerously easy to manipulate for the wrong things, and hardly in control of his hyper-powerful powers, but if Dean expresses reservations then he’s chastized for it, despite having all the reasons to be terrified of what Jack can potentially do.

But first Sam projects himself on Jack (and when that happens there’s no escape from it, Dean is the asshole ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) and then Cas is Totally Right This Time, so Dean should not be a dick and definitely should not experience grief and trauma in ways we don’t like. Only Good(TM) trauma survivors allowed.

[flying-elliska]

Shadow and Bone Season 1 Review

Ok so I got distracted by a need to watch all of Ben Barnes' filmography (lmao) but here is my review : It was really fun to watch and it was clearly made with love which is already the main thing with YA fantasy, which is often turned into a soulless moneygrab when put on screen. The actors were GREAT. I did think that the Crows suffered from being mashed up with the Shadow and Bone story, but they were still a highlight. I also think it was a bit rushed, esp. when it came to Alina's training. The costumes were beautiful, I want a kefta now. Plus the crossover fanfic interactions btw the SaB characters and the Crows were just pure joy. Also Milo, obviously <3 I'm in hyperfixation mode so here, have an essay :

The "Shadow and Bone" Characters :

- Jessie Mei Li !!!!!! She really made me like Alina so much more than in the books, she absolutely is the 'human embodiment of literal sunshine' and she was a joy to watch. Her character's arc is cliché but her acting is so expressive and endearing, I really felt for her all the way through. (maybe I'm biased bc Jessie talking about her ADHD and seeing her thrive at the same time is like!!! i love them they deserve all the best.) I like that they made Alina more proactive - even though she does make some stupid decisions... but I just don't understand people who put that down as bad writing, like ??? have you ever met a real person who only makes wise, good decisions ?? a character like that would either be at the end of their story or just in the background because that makes them static. The things with the maps in the beginning does a good job of illustrating how she is just this one girl making rash, erratic decisions out of fear and loyalty and doesn't have a sense of the bigger picture, caught in the tide of bigger events. It works for her character. When it comes to the choice of making her half-Shu, I do think it really makes sense re: her character feeling like an outsider but I do understand the criticisms that the microaggressions felt too relentless and one-note. I am really looking forward to them introducing Tamar and Tolya and hopefully connecting to them over her heritage in a more positive way.

- Mal in the books was one of the most annoying YA characters I've ever come across, so I really liked that they made him much more of a loyal, devoted friend. I found his relationship with Alina cute, it really gives us the sense that these are two orphans who found a home in each other, childhood best friends (and potential sweethearts) separated by war, two army grunts and ordinary people caught up in the wheels of power and war that usually crushes people like them, it's a great way to introduce the dynamics of their world and it's a trope that always makes me emo. It felt a bit too one note to me, though, and too heavily on the nose, like Mal's only personality was his attachment to Alina (and his resentment towards the Grisha) and too much of her emotional arc also relied on him. Them hitting us over the head with the meadow scenes felt like pure telling instead of showing and it ended up being super repetitive and kind of annoying. I am willing to like this pairing, but I wanted more scenes of them just having conversations about things and really understanding why they like each other beyond the whole childhood friends bond that we're asked to accept exists at the beginning. So I hope there's more depth there in next seasons.

- Ben Barnes!!!! Just jksdfhgkdjghdf. I'm not a big villain stan usually and I hated the Darkling in the books but DAMN his performance is just amazing. They managed to make him more sympathetic and human while at the same time making clear the stuff he does is deeply horrible. There's the Magneto-aspect of 'well clearly his methods are fucked up but he's addressing a terrible injustice nobody is doing anything about' that makes it very tempting to root for him ; and again, well, like, Ben Barnes is so hot and charismatic it feels uncomfortable (which I guess is part of the point lol). His loss of humanity is, up to a point, understandable, brought about by despair, loneliness, grief and a sense of powerlessness - living so long he starts to see other people as disposable, losing so many people he stops caring, seeing over and over how hate never seems to stop, etc. It's a logical explanation for going insane.

But the hunger for power is also very much present as a motivation and this ambiguity is there constantly. Does he maybe come to genuinely care for Alina or is it totally bullshit ? I think he does, he's just so fucked up that it comes out as possessiveness and a need to control her. He wants Alina to be his equal but he's incapable of treating her that way. It's tragic, in a sense, but the show doesn't excuse his actions either. Like his monstrosity is a product of this world full of injustice, yes, and that warrants some compassion, monsters are always a symptom of their environment in some ways and dehumanizing them completely is an excuse ; but at the same time, he sabotaged his own cause anyway the moment he started to treat other people like things, as he does with Alina, because that just perpetuates the cycle of violence and hate. At some point he started feeling like he was the only solution and he was owed power for his sacrifices, and he's using his cause as an excuse. When Alina came to him, there was a possibility for redemption, taking down the Fold, and it's a test because there is finally someone on his level of power. But instead of seeking to remedy the power imbalance between them, he made it worse, by lying to her, manipulating her, etc, and the antler collar is the ultimate sign of this.

I love those scenes towards the end (the antler-based body horror has big Hannibal vibes, so messed up). I like Alina telling him they could have had this, that she had compassion for him and his cause, that they could have worked together, and he's the one responsible for screwing it up and this time his claim that he's the misunderstood victim ("Make me your villain") appears delusional and self-serving instead of somewhat justified. The almost-lovers to enemies vibes, the sense of lost potential, and the angst of the whole 'oh you could finally have been loved by people, too bad you fucked it up !', very juicy. There is this fundamental idea that power/respect/love is not something you are owed no matter how good your intentions are or because you're strong or you have suffered or you're willing to commit horrible drastic actions, you have to keep proving you deserve it, and trying to claim power without responsibility of care turns you into a monster. The thing with the stag was an excellent metaphor of the fact that there's things you can't take, they have to be given to you, and the wonderful power there is in understanding that is what allows Alina to harness the stag amplifier's power. This is really when she escapes his grim utilitarian outlook and a different way forward and owns her own power fully on her own terms.

Anyway I hope Alina gets to beat the shit out of him at some point that would be very sexy but I'm also looking forward to see how their arcs parallel and diverge from each other as Alina starts to grapple more with the implications of her power and the harsh dilemmas of war and her own dark side. I want to see him become scared of her, and I feel it will be more visible than in the books where he just has this cold aggressive facade all the time. This one feels a lot more openly emotional which is just a lot more interesting.

- As for the other characters ; Zoya mostly made me sad. The actress has the perfect vibes but I'm not sure I love their take on her character so far, it does make sense in terms of the later books - that she has internalized prejudice regarding her mixed-race heritage, that she is jealous of Alina because of how hard she's fought to get where she is and Alina kind of takes it away from her, etc. But I would have liked to see a bit more of her being badass and sharp-tongued in a clever (even if mean) way instead of spending most of her time being rejected by men and being racist towards Alina. I did like the ending though, of her actually seeing the monstrosity of the Darkling in action and the mention of her aunt. And her brief bonding with Inej was great, just because it was badass but also maybe because it could be a part of Zoya learning to accept her Suli heritage in turn, maybe not right away but in time, when thinking of that part of herself, she won't only think of her parents' ruined marriage and all the pain it caused, but also of that badass and brave acrobat girl who went toe to toe with these really scary monsters without even having any powers and !!!!!

- Also Leigh's cameo was so cute and as an aspiring writer this is just such wish fulfillment

- I honestly think that having the Crows there actually made the S&B story better ? Not only in terms of the much needed levity breaks but also in terms of themes. For instance, Matthias and Nina's story gave us a really raw and visceral view of how the Grisha are hunted. And Inej's relationship to Alina really gave us a sense of what Alina actually means to people who believe in the Saints in a way that doesn't feel just like 'ugh those superstitious people' because we know that Inej's faith is part of what makes her who she is and a person with morals, and something that saw her through the worst moments of her life. It feels so special that she got to meet Alina and given a sign that maybe the world is not completely shitty. And Alina's kindness towards Inej really gives you a sense that she might be, or become worthy of that belief in time, or at least that she wants to, that she's figuring out her power to really touch people's lives might be a good thing, and that she's starting to accept this responsibility more fully. And her arming Inej is a nice parallel to that. I'm very emotional about this scene, because one of the first things we see of young Alina is her taking out a knife to defend Mal from the bullies, because she's protective and brave, but she's also aware the world is a shitty place, and so her giving that knife to Inej is a sort of spiritual transmission and recognition of sorts, that she trusts Inej with that fighting power, that she'll use this knife to defend herself and her loved ones and not abuse it. It's so interesting. And a counter point to the Darkling's fucked up relationship to power that Alina might at some point get afraid she'll replicate. That you could see Alina trying to gather followers and using people's admiration for her like he did but instead she sets them free and empowers them. It's great. And I feel that when Inej takes to the seas, she'll think about Alina. (I do hope somebody tells her Alina's not dead at some point though god). Girls giving each other knives is my spirituality, honestly.

- And I also noticed an interesting parallel between Kaz and the Darkling in terms of being two emo dudes who like to wear black, are prone to violence and have a thing for two very powerful women they think are special and want to have at their side, but of course, they go about it in very different ways. The Darkling comes at it from a place of power while Kaz comes from a place of utter powerlessness, first of all, and he understands why it's important to set Inej free. Him spending the entire season trying to earn enough money to pay off Inej's indenture is the opposite to the Darkling putting that collar on Alina and while I do have issues with how the show portrays him, I do love that. Love is about setting the person you love free !!!! And that confrontation scene was so powerful, when Kaz tells the Darkling Alina was tired of being a captive ! Drag him !

- As for Genya, I liked the actress and her chemistry with Alina, but I'm not sure they did a great job of making her arc very clear, for instance what it means for her to get that red kefta, her relationship with the other Grisha, etc. Her and David are already very cute though. Also very much looking forward to see where that goes.

So yeah I think they did a great job with this bit actually, I enjoyed a lot more than I think I would and even though it is a very tropey story, there's plenty of depth there too.

The Crows :

- I'm a bit more nitpicky about this because I care about these characters so much. I think overall the problem is that the SaB story in the books happens on this massive scale with enormous stakes, and that next to that the Crows' issues feel less important ; it's like their impact is distorted by the gravity of the much larger story. Like for instance, Kaz in the books is very much at the center of everything, this larger than life trickster figure who knows and controls almost everything by sheer cleverness, and he has this sense of allure and mystique that can't happen here, and so his aura just shrinks. On top of that they're not on their home turf. Being introduced to these characters before they've reached their full levels of badass is weird - there is a reason why prequels generally happen after the main stuff, because they count on the love you have for these characters at their full potential to make you interested in their story when they were less badass and interesting. So I had several moments where I was like 'oh this feels wrong'. Tbh the idea that they would even volunteer to kidnap Alina in the first place, what with Inej's backstory, feels kind of wrong, esp since they had no idea of what would happen to her if they succeeded.

- But I still enjoyed a lot of it though, especially the fact that they were this force of chaos in the midst of this bigger narrative that's a lot more self-serious. The bits with the train, or the circus acts were very clever. A lot of the best moments in the show happen when they come to disturb the other plot in unexpected ways. I'm still dead over the whole 'Alina jumps into their carriage' scene, that was fucking gold. The team up at the end !!!! Alina and Kaz making a deal ! Inej stabbing the Darkling !!!! Them stealing the Darkling's carriage !!! They don't give a shit that the story is supposed to be super dramatic it's great.

- Jesper is the one character they completely nailed from start to finish and he's probably my favorite part of the whole show. He's very funny without being reduced to the role of comic relief ; he's just so! damn! cool!!!!!!! I honestly feel this is a thing they actually did even better than in the books, or at least Six of Crows where I felt Jasper kind of disappeared behind Kaz and they insist a lot on his flaws and issues. So before we dig more into those problems I love that they gave him time to be this ultra badass who saves the day several times ; while at the same time, hinting at further developments like his powers or his gambling issues. Kit Young is just perfect, confident without being arrogant, a bit cold when it comes to crime while at the same time being so obviously caring with Inej - I loved their friendship, that was so sweet. My main criticism is that they should have made it clearer he was bi because there are already people calling him gay and that's very annoying. I know some people had a problem with his hookup and like...I can see it's a bit of a cliché...the charming badass bisexual adventurer....it's a trope I kind of love though lmao and the scene itself felt kind of cute and fun. He's not the only person who is shown to have an active sexuality and he's also not the only queer person around and we know he's going to have a more substantial romantic arc later so eh. On a larger note I loved the little casual hints of completely normalized queerness - Nadia thirsting over Zoya, Fedyor and Ivan, Poppy, etc. Having grown up with fantasy where queerness was either completely erased or very tormented and problematic, this was refreshing as hell.

- Inej and Kaz...my faves... They have a kind of relationship which feels so rare and unique in terms of what exists on TV and while I don't feel they entirely replicated it, the core is still there - the mutual respect and building of trust, the longing, the repression, the trauma, etc. One thing I really like is their arc around faith - in the books, Kaz is dismissive of Inej's faith in ways that often feel really shitty and I like that he learns to be more respectful of it. It's very much linked to hope/survival ; Inej keeps this token from her parents and she hopes to find them again ; Kaz tells her it's no use and she'll survive better if she gives up. He believes Alina is a fake, while Inej wants to believe that myths can come true and there is hope for good things in the world. Kaz comes to accept that Alina is the real deal and, out of respect for Inej's faith, to stop pursuing her. I loved the bit about Inej struggling to kill as well - it's the dilemma of what her survival and that of the people she really cares about are worth in such a shitty world - her compassion is a good part of her but so is her survival instinct, and that's the part Kaz represents - that even after she's been through hell, broken in unfathomable ways, even if she gave up all hope and faith in the world, even she becomes dangerous and ruthless to survive, she will still deserve dignity, and to be treated better. And meanwhile she is willing to break her principles, which she holds so dearly, to save him, when he's never had anyone who cared for him like that - enough to keep him alive. That bit in the church !!!!! God !!!!!! Bye !!!!!!! And then him basically calling her his own version of a Saint, that he doesn't believe in miracles but he does believe in her !!! It's very emblematic of their whole arc ; he empowers her to survive in a ruthless world and loves her at her most dangerous ; but he loves her laugh too, he finds her a ship and her parents, he honors her capacity for love and hope even when he can't share it. And she sees that he's capable of doing better, that he's worth caring for. This whole thing kills me honestly and I can't wait to see where they take this next. I'm not mad they're a bit more soft and obvious than in the books, Kaz would just have come across as an an asshole otherwise.

- That said, there are bits of how they introduced their backstories I don't like. I get that making it so Inej was still tied to the Menagerie gave them a very powerful reason to want to kidnap Alina beyond greed so that they wouldn't look like very shitty people. But in the books Inej is terrified by the idea of simply seeing Heleen or the Menagerie and the way they have her interact with her feels weirdly casual and dismissive of her trauma. Also, in the books, the fact that Kaz had to convince Per Haskell to buy Inej's contract through a lot of effort, that he wasn't the one holding that above her head either, made the power dynamics more palatable. I especially disliked the scene where Kaz says he won't free other girls because just Inej is special, it makes him look like he has the power but he's just too much of a callous asshole to do it, and that he just freed Inej because he liked her which is absolutely not what their relationship is about at the start, it's a lot more about seeing Inej's dangerous side behind a facade of powerlessness and relating to her, in a sense, and this scene made it all feel cheap.

- Also, what was that about Inej having a brother ? Not a fan of that either. I'm afraid they're going to make her story all about finding what happened to him, and that's 1) too on the nose similar to Kaz's story and 2) it kind of cheapens her own arc, a female character realizing that what was done to her was wrong, reclaiming her own power and dignity and then making sure it doesn't happen to anybody else, harnessing her personal experience to save strangers, that's so powerful - making it about a family member at first, especially if it's about revenge, it's so much more simplistic and unoriginal and the perspective really annoys me.

- Also not a fan of Per Haskell not being there because he's a very important part of Kaz's evolution, so I hope he shows up eventually - and the way they introduced Pekka Rollins was kind of like...weird and out of place. I just found the Crows' introduction scenes stilted and not as cool as they should have been - well, Jesper and Inej were very cool, but we needed to see Kaz in action first, we needed to see why he's such a menace before we see him flounder later, and I just...I don't know exactly but it didn't work for me. Also this is a very petty thing but I wasn't crazy about the Ketterdam sets, I know this is probably a budget thing but in my head it looked like this incredible mix of Amsterdam and Venice - specific locations in the book directly remind me of parts of Amsterdam I know very well - and instead what we got felt like this very generic London-ish fantasy setting....so boring. Also a lot of scenes that felt to exposition-y. I don't mind that Kaz was a bit softer than in the books, like many people have said some things work in books and don't work on a screen, and you need to make the character's inner dynamics more explicit. But I do agree that, at the same time, he should have been more ruthless towards people outside of his group. Loved that scene where he faces the Inferni though, and how well they illustrated his disability and aversion to touch.

- I don't have that much to say about Nina and Matthias ; I'm still not super sold on the whole 'haha misogyny!' thing and I dislike that so much of Matthias' change of heart relies on the fact that he finds Nina hot. But I did think that the actors had enough chemistry to make their scenes together interesting and cute ; I loved the waffle scene. Even though it's disappointing that they didn't find an actress who was more clearly plus size for Nina, I still think Danielle does a good job bringing her bold, unapologetic energy. I'm really looking forward to seeing the Crows as a whole team.

So yeah, even though the season didn't feel like a perfect, coherent whole, it was just a lot of fun and I really hope they get renewed. In particular I feel like tying the first trilogy to the Crows' story could create such interesting parallels in terms of themes, about power, the cost of survival, hope, trauma, etc etc

[hirazuki]

Ooo I'm curious about your hot takes on the Inuyasha reboot after reading your tags 👀

Ahaha, where to start XD Idk if they are hot takes, but here are my thoughts in bullet point form for coherency, I couldn’t figure out how else to organize them. Under a cut, as usual, because it got lengthy... as usual :D

We are 13 episodes in, and I still have no idea wtf is going on or what the series is actually about. And yes, I’m aware that we didn’t know of Naraku’s existence or of the overarching plot until at least episode 16 of that series either and Inuyasha was still very episodic in nature at that early point too, but here’s the thing: Inuyasha did not build upon a pre-existing series. For better or for worse, Yashahime has certain expectations to live up to that the original anime didn’t, by virtue of its being a sequel. Unfair? Maybe, but tough; that’s what happens when you make a sequel. Additionally, despite us not knowing The Main Plot™ of Inuyasha until later, the basic framework for it was laid out clearly by... episode 2? I think? Find and collect the Shikon Jewel shards. Boom, done. Were there distractions or fillers? Sure, but you never got the sense that the characters simply up and forgot about the shards. Even in fillers, the shards often made some kind of appearance. With Yashahime, there’s like three potential storylines going on: 1. The most obvious: most of our main cast from the OG is missing; where are they? Apparently no one in-story cares! :D Inuyasha, who’s that lol. I’m all for a sequel focusing on the new generation with cameos of the old crew; after all, they already had their own series. But this is like... no one cares about them? No one talks about them? And the more characters go about not mentioning them, the stronger their absence is felt. Like, for instance, Kaede knows Moroha is InuKag’s daughter. Moroha grew up on her own, doesn’t know her parents. Kaede doesn’t mention them to Moroha, doesn’t even spare a passing thought about them for the audience’s benefit, Moroha doesn’t ask. Kagome’s family in the present day meet Moroha, recognize her as Kagome’s daughter and... say nothing??? Souta shows Towa Kagome and Inuyasha’s old photos, but doesn’t say a word to Moroha?! Like. It makes no sense. By people not even acknowledging their existence, it makes the fact that they are nowhere to be found even weirder. Also the new gen girls don’t care about their parents or finding out who they were/are... like, okay, it would maybe be in character for one or two of them, but all three don’t give a fuck??? 2. Kirinmaru/the rainbow pearls: Idk how familiar you are with the story, but similar deal with Naraku and the shards here. Kirinmaru is being set up as the villain, still a mysterious figure; our new gen trio is supposed to collect the rainbow pearls that... some of his henchmen have? Or he is after them? Or is that Riku? Unclear. ANYWAY the new gen girls often forget all about the pearls’ existence :D 3. Setsuna’s memories: Setsuna’s dreams have been stolen by the dream butterfly and they need to get them back, because without her dreams she has no memories and is unable to sleep. Cool! Finally a solid, easy-to-follow plot line! Except wait! Towa, who supposedly made it her goal to get Setsuna’s sleep back, forgets all about it! All the time! Like, none of them make an effort to look into this other than being like “oh yeah, know anything about the dream butterfly?” to random folks every now and then. The Inugang back in the day was putting some grad school level research towards their goals, just saying. It just feels like everything’s all wishy-washy and there’s nothing really solid tying the series together. People just remember shit exists when it’s convenient.

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Character development is MIA. I’m not expecting ground-breaking char dev in 13 episodes (though I do know 12 episode series that were phenomenal in that regard), but like... I do expect the series to focus on building the dynamics between the main three characters. So far, the series is more focused on teasing the audience with glimpses and promises of the OG cast instead. The creators are using nostalgia and bait (esp of a certain pairing) to drive interest in the series, rather than developing the new characters as fully-fledged characters for their own sakes. 

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Moroha is was the only thing I actually liked about the series. She is a little spitfire and you can somehow instantly see both Inuyasha and Kagome in her, while she also remains very uniquely herself; I have never seen such a successfully developed main pairing child in any series. She featured quite prominently in the first few episodes -- and unlike both her parents, she’s got a great memory and knowledge of lore -- where she balanced funny moments with badass fighting moments and being the token supernatural encyclopedia. It was great! And then... they’ve like... forgotten her. She’s been left behind so many times by the twins. She’s the butt of every joke. She’s become the type of comic relief that’s, well, insulting. More like a buffoon than anything else. And it’s basically all for the sake of giving the floor to Towa :/

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Setsuna is okay. Not offensive, but unremarkable. She’s got her dad’s personality but like way toned down due to her different growing up circumstances, which is nice, but like... I feel she isn’t given any room to grow or breathe or anything. She’s also basically there as a device to enhance Towa’s development.

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Towa... oy. I tried to like her, I really did, but she just doesn’t work for me. They set her up having a very Kurosaki Ichigo type deal with beating up bullies and getting into trouble at school and shit -- I’m fine with that. That’s cool. Esp if it’s linked to not feeling like she fits in bc she’s a hanyou? Awesome. Except once she travels back in time to the feudal era it’s all “Oh killing is bad you shouldn’t kill people” and “even though they attacked me I can’t possibly hurt them” and “you need to empathize and talk things out” and “friendship is magic” and shit. It feels like she had a personality transplant, it literally makes no sense. Her design is totally nonsensical too -- out of everyone at her school, she’s the only one dressed in a bright white suit? Do protags not wear the school uniform? Someone should tell Kagome lmao. She’s a pro at hand to hand, and she can absorb demons’ powers and fling them back at them like a personified Tessaiga, and she has a lightsaber sword, and she’s immune to miasma, and -- like... you get it. It’s too much. It’s way too OP for the type of universe that Inuyasha/Yashahime is set in. She’s hanyou for fuck’s sake; remember all the training Inuyasha had to go through? When he couldn’t lift his sword? When his sword attacked him? Sango, Miroku, Kagome, even Sesshomaru all had trouble with their weapons and had to work to become stronger. But Towa? Nope. Towa is straight out of the Yas Queen/Girl Boss manual, so she gets a free pass on everything.

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UGH they are doing the VLD/bad writing thing where things happen (like, BIG THINGS) and none of the characters actually react to them. Or stuff happens and there are no consequences. No one ever talks about anything. It’s wild.

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Everyone has amnesia!! :D People either don’t know or don’t remember anything or anyone. People who absolutely should know things all of a sudden magically don’t know them. Like, Kohaku -- traveled with an undead priestess, spent years in the company of demons, traveled with Sesshomaru... and yet had NO CLUE that Setsuna is Sesshomaru’s daughter or that she is hanyou, despite her living and working with his team of demon slayers all this time. Like... how, man. How. And Kaede! Don’t get me started. Since when does she perpetuate random demon-boogeyman type stories as facts? Demon children will kill each other in the nest so that only the strongest one will survive, therefore Setsuna must have killed Towa when they were infants. O_O What are they, sharks? Has she been hanging out with Kisame? Wtf?? And she’s speaking about Sess’s kids as though she doesn’t know him or anything about him, when she has had Rin under her roof all these years. It just makes. no. sense.

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Things that happened in the original series are happening again now! Because that’s the best we’ve got, recycled plot elements wooo! No, but really, characters that died or things that were resolved in Inuyasha keep coming back. Why? What was the purpose of bringing back Kinka and Ginka? To have a foil for Towa and Setsuna as twins? Someone please tell Sunrise they can just create new characters. Like, it’s one thing to have call backs to the original or cameos, references, whatever. But like... this is entire (dead) characters and interactions.

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No one knows how long it’s been since the original series ended. Fans initially heard 20 years from promo material, then “over 15″ and “10 years since” in-series regarding two different events, and now in a future episode summary we’ve gotten 18 years since Hosenki II gave Inuyasha the black pearl. But like, which black pearl? Because the one in Inuyasha’s eye doesn’t exist anymore, but Hosenki II had told Inuyasha that it would take 100 years for him to produce one. So, are we retconning that or where the fuck did it come from? Also, this doesn’t help one bit, it just confuses things even more. Back to the point, though, we have no coherent timeline or real frame of reference whatsoever, and I’m betting it’s in large part to keep the mystery of who is Sesshomaru’s wife going, as it keeps Rin’s age very vague. Everything is vague and mysterious in Yashahime, to the point where no one knows what’s going on, in fandom or in-story even. It’s kinda like how too much plot twist/shock reveal ruins a story, too much mystery does the same. It’s insane that both shippers and antis of that ship can lay equal claim that the “18 years since” announcement works in their favor.

tl;dr: Idk man, Yashahime is a clusterfuck of a series. Even if the mother of Sess’s twins is either of the characters I ship him with, I will still not like the series. There’s no saving this writing. Every episode feels like this:

[firebirdsdaughter]

What’s hilarious [read: ridiculous] to me…

… Is that Horobi and Yua actually follow a fairly parallel path in their responses to their situations (I had a whole realisation about how Horobi-Fuwa-Naki-Yua are a four way parallel today; Horobi-Fuwa are parallels and Naki-Yua are parallels, but then their actions crisscross parallel). But there’s a massive double standard in how the two characters are reacted to… Despite the fact that Yua is a fully mentally matured and developed human adult and Horobi is an AI that has been hacked and brainwashed for the past decade in a way that forcibly stunted his development.

Yua was in a horrid and toxic work environment w/ an abusive boss. Now, admittedly, Gai kept a large amount of his worse deeds from her and to a point one could justify it as her thinking she’s acting for the greater good… Until we get to the part where it becomes abundantly clear she knows very well that what they’re doing is at the least morally questionable… But doesn’t try to defect at all, even to the point of insisting it’s of her own free will. Yes, she had a chip in her head, too, but given her reactions to him torturing Fuwa, she doesn’t seem to have known he could do that, and she didn’t know about Naki, nor did she have an AI drone in her mind. Now this is not to blame Yua—in fact, the point is that she was a victim in a bad situation. Her struggle to get out of there was fairly realistic given her situation. But she had the experience to know that what they were doing was wrong. That makes it tragic in it’s own way, yes, that she was under extreme stress and very conflicted, but she was aware of that. She was a fully developed adult. She deliberately pursued Izu w/ the intention of destroying her, and would have had Gai not said the wrong thing and set Fuwa off. And Izu was frightened and trying to run away. She resists Fuwa’s repeated attempts to snap her out of it.

Rightly so, people noted Yua’s situation, were upset for her and felt bad for her. When there were jackasses saying she should die, people called it out as bad. People were cheering for her to get away from Gai. People were happy when she did. And this includes me. I blocked people I saw shitting on Yua and saying she should die bc what the fuck, guys, she was in a seriously messed up situation.

Once free of Gai, Yua is uncertain what to do and decides to try and ‘make up’ for something she feels responsible for in a rather questionable way. She ends up helping the Ark rise and wreak havoc. Still people recognise that she couldn’t have known that would happen. Poor Yua’s been through a lot.

Meanwhile, Horobi is hacked and brainwashed by the Ark twelve years ago. She uses him to cause Daybreak. He is an AI being controlled by a larger AI designed to control HumaGear like him. Unlike and adult human being pressured and manipulated, he is literally incapable of thinking outside the Ark’s will. The Ark has complete control. Even if he did have any experience to compare w/ before, the Ark erases it. He has no frame of reference besides the Ark, no development of any kind to evaluate his situation w/. Even when Jin becomes important to him, everything is through the lens of the Ark, the Ark is more than a god to him. The brainwashing is so deep that even when disconnected for a bit, he can’t be anything besides blindly devoted. Talks about how the Ark is absolute. When confronted w/ something that causes uncertainty, he goes into a full on mental breakdown—literally, should have been a first clue that emotions were never going to come easy for him.

Eventually, he does end up w/ enough experience to just start to begin to break free. Manages to act completely on his own for the first time in his life—not an instinct that the Ark swooped in to take advantage of, he gets to go through w/ it on his own. And he’s floored. He literally cannot fathom why his body moved on its own, as far as he can tell. Can’t understand the fact that he wanted to do something. This is recognised as a big deal (one of the only times anyone tries to actually talk him out of things, in fact, unlike Yua, where there was a lot of effort). Horobi begins to wonder about things outside the Ark’s will, about himself, which he’s never considered before… Only to have it turn out his son was plotting to have the Ark possess him and then kill him to kill her. This completely upends any development he had. He’s re-hacked and rendered as largely a drone when not being possessed.

Finally, someone decides to put effort into him (kinda…) again. And, in a situation that heavily parallels Yua, he ends up finding it in him to break free of the Ark. Only… Again, a lot like Yua, it’s not a clean break. He’s still stuck w/ the past, the conditioning, and the effects of what happened. Additionally, as later becomes clear, his struggling w/ feeling emotions, which he has been carefully conditioned to reject and have no experience w/, for the first time. He’s mentally unstable and volatile. Now, in the show, what happens is the result of Azu/the Ark’s manipulations and people making poor decisions (and I do think you can make an argument for the fact that the Ark was intentionally keeping Horobi from feeling/having any experience w/ emotions to make him even more of a wreck later on), and poking a very volatile bear (well, a highly traumatised child soldier AI who has no fucking clue what emotions are to the point it feels like an outside being controlling him somehow), he lashes out, and Izu calmly stands there and deliberately takes a hit she very clearly sees coming. General chaos ensues. From Horobi’s perspective, the thing he’s been trained to think will get rid of the uncertainty and emotions etc. not only doesn’t work, but it makes him feel worse, and bc he has no other way he knows how to respond, he becomes more aggressive in rejecting those feelings. And then Jin dies, and he completely breaks down.

The reaction he gets? People calling him evil and horrible and saying he should die. That e’s choosing to do these things. People who talk about how Yua can’t really be held accountable, how she was coerced, look at a literal brainwash victim and say he choose to do those things.

Now, obviously, there are differences, which resulted in the different out comes—obviously the whole, one is a fully developed human adult and the other one is an AI. One was externally conditioned, the other, again, literally brainwashed. One had someone fighting to convince them to break free of their situation on a regular basis, repeatedly, constantly, the other didn’t. Yua was always going to have an easier break than Horobi, bc she had more mental and emotional maturity, but bc of that, esp in regards to actions done whilst under the ‘control’ of others, she has more responsibility for her actions bc she was capable of identifying them as wrong.

Now, of course, both situations are bad for the people involved. Both of them are victims.

But the issue is that people seem to be all over how Yua was a victim, Yua was mistreated… While attacking Horobi (and being upset about Izu dying is one thing, although, again, the person really responsible for that was Azu/th ark(well, Gai for creating her), Horobi was pretty much used as a weapon there, but this is for stuff he did while mind controlled).

And I used Yua just bc she and Horobi had the most parallel responses to their situations. The same goes for being able to see Fuwa as a victim, or Naki (so if Naki is the one who gave Horobi the ZetsumeRise Keys, does that make them responsible for Operation MaGear, or bc they gave Horobi the ForceRiser and said to use it on Jin, are they responsible for that? Bc that’s the logic of blaming Horobi for Daybreak), or Raiden, or even Aruto for that time he got hijacked via MCH. Any of the hacked HumaGear who were turned into MaGear.

Just… The concept of seeing how all of those people are victims in the situation… But blaming Horobi? Like… Not being interested in Horobi is one thing. Obviously, no on is going to be as madly in love w/ him as I am. It’s the act of not recognising him as being a victim while recognising everyone in similar situations as victims. It’s saying he was responsible for Daybreak, treating him like the Ark’s will was his (I’m literally having flashbacks to comments calling Horobi’s whole death ‘Horobi’s plan,’ even though by that point we literally knew the Ark was an entity that existed). Like… They literally confirmed it in show as not being that. Horobi is a mind control victim. What someone’s personal opinion of the character outside of that is another matter. But the fact is that he was mind controlled by the Ark and that the things he did under her control cannot be objectively called things he chose to do. Whether someone thinks he would have chosen them if he weren’t mind controlled… Esp given how all his actions of own choice were about protecting Jin, I personally disagree. But the show has been very explicit that he was mind controlled, and that he had no clue how to handle emotions (to the point he didn’t even seem to know what they are), so being able to understand that all those other people, esp the ones who went through similar things, are victims… But Horobi’s to blame for what he did? That’s just ridiculous.

And don’t even get me started on how anyone could ever see Gai as being a bigger victim than Horobi.

[littlehollyleaf]

Hi! I was reading some of your 4x13 meta, and you mention Oswald feeling a sense of ownership over Ed. Do you think that sense is broken when Ed betrays him at the bank? There's a specific callback to Oz 'making' him in that ep, and then Ed rebels. From then on Oz doesn't really interfere with him anymore. He looks out for him from afar (ie resurrection), but he stops trying to convince Ed to join him. What do you think?

This is a really really really great question and I’m so sorry I’ve failed to respond to it for so long anon. I’m afraid Good Omens happened and I am a fickle little shit.

This is a bit of a drunk and rambling response but....

I don’t think Oz loses the sense of ownership over Ed after the ‘betrayal’ at the bank, no.

For one thing, I don’t think that ‘betrayal’ at the bank was... very significant? Like, I don’t think Ozzie took it much to heart? Ed gave that whole bit about how he and Ozzie had been ‘through thick and thin’ and that he had nothing against Oz and stuff and Grundy could CLEARLY get them free before the cops arrived so... it always felt to me that Ed wasn’t REALLY betraying Oz, just mildly inconveniencing him, as a ‘gentle’ warning that Oz shouldn’t hurt or antagonise Lee (like he did Isabella), because Lee was the one Ed (believed that he) loved now.

So while, yes, Oz didn’t interfere with Ed much after that, I don’t think it was a sign that he didn’t still believe he ‘owned’ or had ‘created’ Ed. Not ENTIRELY anyways. It’s perhaps fair to say that what happened at the bank did help Ozzie accept that Ed was ALSO his own person with his own desires and drives, and that trying to dismiss or overrule those would only serve to push Ed away from him. But I don’t think Oz realising/accepting that is necessarily mutually exclusive to him regarding himself as owning/creating Ed. I feel like Oz, much like Fish with him, would have felt that Ed owned his confidence and ability to be a successful criminal and be able to defy Oz TO Oswald’s influence. So, much like Fish, when faced with Oswald besting her, talks about how her greatest achievement was ‘turning Oswald Cobblepot into the Penguin,’ so I feel that Oswald, on being betrayed/bested by Ed at the bank, would have felt, underneath the frustration and hurt, a sense of PRIDE at being in some way responsible for making Ed into someone powerful enough to defeat him.

PLUS, it’s after the bank when Oz finds Ed (and Lee) stabbed and instructs Hugo to fix them. That suggests to me that Oz very much still felt a sense of ownership towards Ed - in the sense that he felt compelled to keep him alive, that Ed was ‘his’ to keep alive.

Basically, I don’t think having Ed ‘join’ him is what indicates Ozzie’s sense of ownership.

I mean, even when they were actively trying to kill each other I think there was that sense that Ed was ‘his’ - ie. his to deal with, his to kill. Again, in much the same way Fish tells Ozzie that even though they were at odds she chose not to kill him because ‘you were MINE.’ Even as enemies, I think there’s a part of Oz that considered Ed was ‘his’ to determine how to deal with.

So.... ultimately, no, I don’t think that sense of Ed as belonging to Oz is ever broken.

HOWEVER. I do think, esp. through S05, Oz also has a simultaneous sense that HE BELONGS TO ED. Or WITH Ed at least. What with all the ‘fate has different plans for us’ business.

So they are like.... an ouroboros or something :p They create and belong to EACH OTHER. They both owe huge parts of their identity to the influence of the other and both feel like they can’t exist without the other. And I think... maybe... that was something Oz learnt/accepted BEFORE the bank? (perhaps in The Sinking Ship the Grand Applause?) Ergo, the bank... wasn’t that significant to how he regarded Ed and his relationship with Ed? Because Ed fucking him over there was just.... something he’d come to accept as part of his ‘fated’ relationship with Ed? ie. that Ed might sometimes hurt him, just like he sometimes hurt Ed, and that was all part of how their connection helped shape the both of them?

........dunno if that makes sense. Sorry for giving you a drunken response, but I’m moving so far beyond Gotham right now I was starting to fear I might never be able to respond to this, so, I’m afraid this is probably the best answer I can come up with! Hopefully it’s not too nonsensical. 

(aside: on the flip side, I think Ed, at various points, has felt and feels an ownership of Oswald as well, plus a similar feeling of belonging to Oswald - so this intense, contradictory attitude towards their relationship very much goes both ways in my mind..... though I think Eddie resisted the idea of belonging to Oz for a little longer, while Oz has.... pretty much always been okay/resigned to the idea that part of him belongs to/with Ed)

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Spider-Man: Far From Home Thoughts Part 2 a.k.a. Spider-Man Euro-Trip

I apologize for the delay in finishing up this series. Life got in the way so I’ve speeded through getting this series of posts wrapped up.

In this part I’m going to discuss the movie unto itself rather than as MCU Chapter 23. In essence it’s more about Peter’s character and world unto themselves rather than how they are furthering along the over all MCU narrative.

I plan on covering this more in an upcoming post but, Peter’s characterization, for all the inconsistencies there were when you took Civil War into account, was overall more consistent in Homecoming.

However when viewing Far From Home after Civil War, Homecoming, Infinity War, Endgame and then this there is distinctly something off about how Peter is played.

Peter seems much more...shallow in regards to his responsibilities as a hero.

His arc across the film essentially boils down to him just wanting a fun vacation with the hopes of wooing MJ (I’m too tired to write Michelle every time otherwise I’d not dignify her character with the nickname) but at the same time being presented with a crisis that demands he step up not just as a hero but into Iron Man’s shoes and gradually accepting that.

Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaall me crazy but....um...doesn’t that rather conflict with Peter’s attitude in Homecoming. I can understand the idea that he needs to now be more than just a friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man in a post-Endgame world and recoiling from such an abrupt burden foisted upon him. But...he seems reluctant to basically cut into his fun time and his chance to hook up with a girl (even though that chance is very remote).

Yeah, yeah, yeah, ‘he’s a teenager though’.

But ignoring that lazy handwave justification (being ‘a teenager’ isn’t carte blanche to write him however), the Peter Parker of Homecoming was eager to leap into bigger scale issues (even if he wasn’t ready for them) and in general forgo his personal gratification or personal needs for the greater good. Which is you know...what he does in the comics too; just mentioning that to save me repeating it later in the adaptation section. But you need not even look to the comics to tilt your head in confusion about this characterization, simply watch the previous films.

As for other elements of Peter’s characterization and in this film in general...well..the term ‘undercooked’ would about sum it up.

For starters his desire to date MJ is entirely out of nowhere. Could it have something to do with her becoming comparatively more likable and less mean spirited than in the last film, to the point where her snark and cynicism mostly disappears once she learns Peter is Spider-Man (we’ll get to that)? Maybe...or maybe it’s just lazy and contrived romance writing, but refer back to ‘Part 0’ for a neat video discussing that.

Much more egregious is what is in theory supposed to be the emotional core of the movie, Peter grieving Tony.

It’s underexplored to the point where it’s just there, referenced enough to pay lip service to the idea but ignored otherwise when inconvenient, which is to say the majority of the movie.

It’s so perplexing because the film dwells upon dealing with the aftermath of Tony’s death (fuck Steve I guess) and yet Peter himself doesn’t. There are a few moments where he looks sad, but there are only one or two scenes where his grief is on real display and they are respectively briefly at the start of the movie and in the third act

Overwhelming more attention is given over to Peter not wanting to step up to Tony’s shoes or date MJ than him actually being sad his father figure is dead. It’s like the film pays lip service to him being sad and grieving him whilst it’s more the film itself that’s sad for his loss. It doesn’t even try to imply that this grief is why Peter wants to be normal for awhile, that something you have to headcanon from the movie.

Now of course the film NEEDS to acknowledge Tony’s death because Tony was such a huge part of Homecoming which this is a sequel to. It wouldn’t be internally consistent for it to NOT bring that up.

However, putting aside how the film doesn’t have Peter address his realistic grief properly, there is a difference between addressing Tony’s death and building the entire plot of your film around him.

Because as already talked about, this movie is dependent upon Tony and his legacy. The villain is a dark reflection of Iron Man and his scheme revolves around trying to become his successor, whilst Peter is played as a foil to him because he is Tony’s successor but initially doesn’t want to be. Meanwhile memorials to Tony are shoved in our faces, literally from the start of the credits.

Much like Homecoming, but maybe worse, this robs Peter and his personal journey of sooooooooooooo much independence. T’Challa gets to be his own man in his own movie but Peter not only starts out in Tony’s shadow but grows to BECOME Tony’s shadow, though the movie will try to deny that.

This is even true of the villains. Vulture was a reflection of Tony who’s motivation was built around Tony. In this film Mysterio is much the same. In a vaccuum (or an Iron Man movie) this wouldn’t be that bad.

But because we’ve seen this before in the last movie and once again Mysterio isn’t a reflection of Peter himself. This Mysterio is robbed of his uniqueness and doesn’t work as a SPIDER-MAN villain beyond the fact that they are both heirs to Tony’s legacy. In other words Mysterio only works as a Spider-Man villain in so far as he is a reflection of Tony and so is Peter.

That’s just awful characterization as it means both characters are in truth reliant upon another character, who’s dead might I add. It’s not even an element of their characters either, it’s how these versions of them were constructed from the inside out. At least Vulture and Peter were both working class, that was something! Even the dynamic of the traitorous mentor is problematic because that again is a reflection of Peter and Tony’s relationship. Tony Stark is fundamentally critical to contextualizing everything about our protagonist and antagonist.

This is especially insulting since Marvel Studios has something of a reputation for building their movies around their central protagonists, to build them up as much as possible. First Avenger, Thor 2011, Iron Man 2008, all constructed around Steve, Thor and Tony, everything comes from their characters outwards creatively speaking. They are the centre of their worlds.

In the MCU Spider-Man movies Peter Parker is the centre of his world, but it’s a moon orbiting Planet Stark within the constellation MCU.

And it’s so on the nose too. Him being the next Iron Man was obvious enough with how many times that phrase was repeated in the movie but once Peter started playing with Tony’s toys, to build a suit for himself, with a holographic web shooter that looked like a holographic repulsor gauntlet, to the same soundtrack from Iron Man 2008  it was utterly obnoxious. They pay lip service to the idea that actually they aren’t doing that but it’s just obviously not true. It also comes complete with a rote and cliché line about Tony only giving his life because he knew Peter would pick up his mantle. Which is entirely false by the way he didn’t give his life for that at all.

Going back to Mysterio for a moment, there are many more issues with his role in the movie. An obvious one was his plan. Let’s ignore whether or not he could believably put his operation together less than a year after Endgame, his end goal doesn’t make sense.

He wants to join the Avengers and have access to Tony’s satellite network. Okay I guess that maybe makes sense but he’s faking his credibility as a hero to do it. Eventually the lie would obviously be exposed whenever a real world threat occurs.

Peter also grows to trust him waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too quickly being cavalier about Beck knowing his identity. In fact he’s unrealistically cavalier about that throughout the movie. He makes out with MJ on a London bridge, London being a city famous for how much CCTV there is. He doesn’t care that random SHIELD agents know his face or name and that’s to say nothing of chilling out in a bar unmasked but in costume with Mysterio surrounded by strangers. More attention was paid to Michelle knowing who he was than anyone else in this movie and yet we have to contrive a reason or him to wear the Noir costume for toy sales.

Speaking of that bar scene it’s maybe the worst scene of the film.

I have never in my life seen a more obvious and badly executed exposition dump in my life. You know how it’s totally cliché for the villain to tell the hero his master plan? Try the villain is telling his own henchmen his master plan even though they all already know it so it’s literally just there for the audience. And that Master plan comes complete with stock footage from Iron Man and Captain America movies and the whole room now knowing who Spider-Man is. It’s just so poorly executed.

Now to be fair, there were a few things that were good regarding Mysterio.

The most obvious is his costume and the fantastic action set pieces involving him, especially the one in Berlin. They could’ve done a lot more stuff like that though so it was a tad underwhelming

  is a little something to be said of the Peter/Beck dynamic. Holland and Gyllenhaal have truly great chemistry.

POSSIBLY that great chemistry could lead to some veeeeeeery young viewers actually being fooled by the reveal that Mysterio is the villain.

But I doubt it.

Even though there were some people who apparently hadn’t seen Frozen or any number of movies to deduce from the trailer who was the villain, if you were watching in context it was painfully obvious.

Further working against the movie was cultural osmosis.

On one level Mysterio is a fan favourite Spider-Man villain who’s made his way into a massive number of adaptations, even being the primary villain of some video games. He was a major villain in the iconic Spider-Man 2 video game and in Spider-Man Shattered Dimensions. He’s appeared in practically every single Spider-Man cartoon. People were talking about Bruce Campbell playing him back in the 2000s and very early 2010s.

On another level we live in a day and age where the internet and nerd culture is so prevalent that as soon as Mysterio was announced as a villain Joe Average on the street likely picked up just by the chatter around them that Mysterio was a villain, if they didn’t just google his name at some point.

So as a twist in the movie unto itself (remember I’m not looking at this as an adaptation) it simply didn’t work. It worked even less than the truly obnoxious ‘this is a movie about being young, and Spider-Man is young don’t ya know’ vibe running across the movie, kicking off with the crappy high school level youtube video tribute. More than this there were many times where the whole movie felt like a big budget Disney Channel original movie spinning out of a Disney channel sitcom. This was more evident in the funny yet also annoying Ned/Betty relationship and the just plain annoying teachers.

Then again that might just be the curse of the overly jokey MCU formula which is very much a formula now whenever Coogler or the Russos aren’t making the movies. I wouldn’t have minded if Spider-Man was making the jokes but he wasn’t it was just ‘funny antics’ happening around him. In that sense this felt more like one of the Ant-Man movies more than anything else, especially in so far as the comic relief supporting cast (Flash the mathlete being especially pathetic).

The cringe humour was even employed so that Marvel could have their cake and eat it regarding the resolution of the movie.

See early on in the movie Aunt May throws a banana at an unsuspecting Peter which allows us to set up his ‘Peter tingle’, i.e. the spider sense. It’s explained that he was caught unawares of that but is never the less able to dodge bullets.  This boils down to:

‘This power will only work when convenient to the plot so shut up.’

That’s simply pathetically lazy writing. It doesn’t even try to explain how or why the spider sense (I refuse to use the cringe gag name ‘Peter tingle’) is inconsistent. It just is, as is the use of it in the movie. It’s literally not mentioned again until the final act of the movie where, wouldn’t you know it, it winds up saving the day. We don’t even get a cool visual or sound effect to showcase it, we just know from dialogue he has this power and must be using it.

Finally let’s talk about the mid-credits scene.

To begin with it showcases just how much Feige clearly likes the JMS run, more specifically the half that was wrapped up in editorial mandates. Hence Spider-Man’s identity goes public. Now unto itself this could be used to make a compelling future movie...but not a good Spider-Man movie. Spider-Man becoming a global celebrity with no anonymity is arguably worse than him being a billionaire’s surrogate son or being a globe trotting agent.

The only real positive of the scene is the return of J.K. Simmons, the greatest casting choice of any modern superhero film probably. His return was welcome and delivered wonderfully. A cherry on top of an otherwise shitty cake.

Ultimately Far From Home was a fluff piece Marvel movie. Not a bad time killer but something only enjoyable if you turn your brain off.

P.S. Isn’t it great how the trailers lied to us by giving us whole scenes not in the final movie?

[theblasianbarbie]

lets get started early tonight bc i almost cried at work thinking about this

like no one wants me like if that makes sense. like men want me only sexually they only find me sexually attractive and im just on their to do list. no one ever sees me or meets me and thinks “i want to do this for her, i wanna do that for her” its like...i never felt special and no ones ever done anything special for me. ive been on dates yeah but no one really has like....done anything spectacular in regards to that. granted ive only ever been emotionally serious with one dude but idk we had special moments but like...we never really went on dates and like he was always busy and that sounds like bologna but he genuinely was but sometimes i cant help but think he just didnt feel like choosing me some days not to say i should come before everything but like idk...like no one wants me like that no one really sees me as anything more than temporary and it hurts so much. like i cant help but think how he probably gave more time to other women in the past or something again thats just me in my head but idk. like man....no one just wants to take my breath away like im not worth it and idk why. this dude wont tell me whats wrong with me and like i really just wanna know so i can fix it like i really wanna know WHY no one has ever been like “its her. she’s the one.” like idk man i feel so broken just tell me what the fuck is wrong with me and why im not special to anyone. like why does no one want me outside of sexual fantasy or to escape from their world.. im a person why does no one want to treat me like that. im not a sex machine and im not an escape im not a goddess. im a woman. i have feelings. a lot of them and i just want to be understood and heard esp bc i hear and understand everyone else. i wanna come home and not rub my own feet one day. i wanna come home and fall into the person who is my home after a long day. i wanna be a part of someones everyday. i wanna be at the start and the end. i wanna be my partners best friend bc this past dude was mine and idk if i was his but like...i wanna be one of the first ppl they think of when they get good news and one of the ppl they wanna hug when they get bad news. i want a lot i want a lot of simple shit tbh...little things that make me feel special. like someone seeing something and being like “oh that reminds me of the love of my life” like idk....i just feel so far removed from every dudes life that ive dated and what sucks is after me they always get with someone who looks like me or has the same aesthetic but is lighter or not black and its like....idk theres so much to unpack here 

[cam-rowe]

Ive always liked her style. Very hippie/grunge californian. Always hated her vibes. Typical radical chic girl from Paris with a lot of intellectual clichés but never too deep. I call them poser. I'm sorry but being the European I am I grew up surrounded by fakers like that. Not saying she's not a sweetheart, just that her attitude is so common here and doesn't mean shit other than she's prolly interesting for guys like Harry: POSERS. For the rest she seemed like the nice funny gf who always(1)

(2) agrees but when she stands for herself she get tossed (see Andrew,Dylan-not as friend but he basically kept her to fuck and then his sentiment was pure super friendly). Devendra s must been different but something made me off with her. Why was she basically mocking Harry as a guy who’s attracted to her but suddenly when he started to be considered more as a r'n'r new icon then bam, bye Devendra and Welcome Harry? It’s always been (im supposing from all her prev relationships) like she’s the girl who’s very affected by clichés -here is in fact- men/guys all litterateur and movies just to look cool and basically just very shallow in reality 😫. Don’t get me wrong I’m so into intellectual artsy guys but I can tell by experience it’s not so easy to meet REAL ones like it is for POSERS with lot of stereotypical (but apparently so deep) contents. That’s it and why I love her style and her vibes but just never took her too serious like if she’s really that super deep girl. I could be wrong. But until proved otherwise, I think this is much ado about nothing. I think it’s important we keep in mind that what’s left of her seemingly dwindling career could be put in jeopardy by nasty kids commenting on her Insta - there IS such a thing as bad press, and if anyone monitoring ambassadors for their product check her comments, they could drop her. Chill out, kidlets. Is it worth ruining someone’s career over?First thing first, I love Camille’s style too and that’s probably what peaked my interest when I first saw her. 

About the whole ‘fake deep’ vibe, I actually felt the same about her at times too. Earlier in her careers, she always mentioned all the French cliches fashion magazines love to push in majority of her interviews and I felt like she tried too portray herself as this super French, effortless chic girl with je ne sais quo seeping out of her pores. I’m not sure if that’s the image the agency wanted her to embody (since she was discovered and first signed by a French modelling agency) or she herself wanted to appear that way to the public but I feel like she gave up on that persona after a year or two of living in NYC. I don’t know if it’s the environment or because she started getting signed to a wide range of agencies so she got more freedom (image-wise) and stopped taking herself too seriously. I think she genuinely have interests in things she constantly name drops (movie, music and literature wise), she just doesn’t have the platform to discuss it in depth. For example, in her interviews with Mango, she discussed Bonnie and Clyde and small town America in relation to the cinema. To me, that didn’t sound like bs-ed to make herself seem ‘cool’ and more like a display of her appreciation for films and art (esp knowing that she went to film school). I’m still undecided over how much of an intellectual she actually is and if she plays it up sometimes. Then again, her career doesn’t give her much opportunities to talk about those things. 

Now, in regards to what she is like as a girlfriend, I’m open to speculations about what she’s like but it’s a big assumption to make, saying she’s always the one to ‘get tossed’ in a relationship. We have no idea who-dumped-who in any of her relationships and we never found out the reason why the breakup occurred. Also, I think it’s less about her being attracted to cliches and more about her having a type and wanting someone with common interests (which is normal, we all want that). No shade but if Camille really was a sucker for artsy cliches (and in the case that she dropped her last relationship to date Harry), she’d still be with Devendra. He is basically the epitome of artsy, intellectual bro (I don’t even mean this as an insult b/c he is clearly a very intelligent man) and pioneered a whole sub-genre within indie music. I like Harry’s music and I think he’s got a lot of potential but you can’t compare his artistic credibility to Devendra’s - they’re on a completely different level. 

I wouldn’t call her career dwindling. Over the years, she has steadily worked up from smaller brands and casual print works to having a contract with high profile/heritage brands like Dior as well as more commercial friendly brands like Mango and had her own Vogue series. She walked VSFS last year and up until this year, she was contracted to VS (now she’s with Etam and I’m guessing they have a ‘no competition’ clause within their contract). The only area that maybe lacking for her this year is magazine covers but the frequentness of those have always varied for her over the years so. I wouldn’t worry too much about the hate messages on her ig cause the brands that choose her to rep them don’t target the audience (or majority of them) that is Harry/1D’s fan. She’s pass the age where she would make a fitting ambassador/face for teenage fashion brands. 

[superkaralovesfanfiction]

ESP, Extranormal Soulmate Partnerships, by Cat Grant

ESP, EXTRANORMAL SOULMATE PARTNERSHIPS, A SOULMATE FINDING AGENCY, BY CATHERINE JANE GRANT.

This spiralled out of control very quickly, and honestly, I love the outcome. I hope you do too. Let’s just say, Cat has… well, no. I don’t wanna spoil it, enjoy.

Rating: T+, I know, I didn’t start this expecting that…

——-

Kara had seen this a few times now. Odd little notes or envelopes, always with Cat’s eloquent handwriting of a name or sometimes more than one, always with her own signature in the corner. Cat had made it a point to not get involved unless Cat so asked of her, to deliver one or retrieve another, and didn’t mess in whatever ESP was. It was Cat’s, clearly an important project. And while Kara certainly was curious, and knew for a fact that it didn’t have anything to do with Catco Magazine, this had been going on for months, she didn’t but in. But now, seeing the name Supergirl beautifully written on the envelope… well. It gave Kara pause, just as anything regarding Supergirl did.

Kara looked it over, somehow it had landed on her desk in it’s way, no doubt, to Cat’s office. Kara wanted to look inside. Really, she did. But she knew how suspicious that would look. So she put it in her stack of mail for Cat, among folders and files and emails and similar info, and went back to her job proofreading an interview piece with a celebrity Cat had been to two days ago. That envelope was none of her business. Well, no. Technically, it was. It was Supergirl’s business. But Kara had to maintain her secret, and therefore, ignored the fat Manila envelope. That was harder said than done, but Kara didn’t touch it again.

Kara was half way through said interview proofread when Cat came out of her fishbowl office and asked if anyone had seen her ESP envelope. Kara found it odd that Cat would ask about it so casually, but lifted it from her stack and handed it over immediately, barely looking up as she did so. “Here you are Ms. Grant. It landed on my desk and I was just going to finish this interview reading before I brought your files in so you’d have them all at once.”

“Well, thank you, Keira, you may continue.” Cat said curtly and took the envelope, sashaying back into her office. Kara wanted to ignore it, really, it was none of her business to be peeking into Cat’s private projects. But then again… Supergirl was written on it… so… technically… Kara looked over, pretending to look at a notebook she had open on her desk, and peeked up from under her lashes, using her X-ray vision on the envelope quickly, just to peek at it, too see the inside contents as Cat carefully flickered through them with deft fingertips.

Pictures.

Kara spun back to her laptop quickly, gasping just a bit, and adjusted her glasses out of habit, focusing back on her reading. Cat had a stack of pictures, of her as Supergirl, smiling, fighting, posing. Holy fuck.

“What’s going on?” Winn asked gently, more than aware of her when she acted like this. “I thought you weren’t going to do that X-ray peeking through Cat’s desk anymore…”

“I never did that!” Kara defended with a shake of her head, her cheeks flaming, which told Winn she had done exactly that in the past and she knew it. Winn also knew why, but wouldn’t elaborate. It was Kara’s business if she occasionally xray visioned Cat when she came in wearing a prime suit that was buttoned with no shirt beneath and no bra. Kara’s thing.

“I… she has pictures. Of me.”

“Naked?” Winn asked, and Kara glared at him. He smiled and focused back on his computer screen, messing with her.

“Winn! No, as Supergirl. Fighting. Flying. Posing. What the hell do those mail packets mean?” Kara whispered.“how did she get Supergirl pictures?”

“How many have you seen now?”

“5. She… I’ve seen names. Big names. Alien superhero names. I didn’t think, it’s Cat’s thing. Her private project. I have no point messing in it. But now it’s me. I just need to know what ESP means.”

“Erotic superhero portraits?” Winn muttered… and then shrugged it off, laughing.

“What did you drink last night?”

“Nothing you need to know of. But whatever Cat is doing, it’s not linked to Catco, though, so I can’t assist. Can’t hack it outside the company, that’s Cat’s private work at home. I could get arrested for that.”

“I… I need to come back after Cat leaves. Find it. Figure it out.”

—-

Kara did come back. She came back after midnight to an empty office, telling the doorman that she had forgotten a file and showing her keycard, and headed up quickly, to Cat’s office. It wasn’t that unusual, considering how closely Kara worked with Cat, and she often did return for files in the evening. He just smiled and let her up. Easy as pie. And besides, she brought Angus coffee so he knew her well. He was the sweetest doorman in the universe.

Kara slipped into Cat’s office and placed her bag on Cat’s cream sofa, slipping in behind her desk on weightless feet, and slipped open the bottom left drawer of her desk, where Cat kept all her most important things, her lexapro, her spare fountain pens, expensive jewellery, and a picture of Carter, delicately framed. But no envelope. Hmm. Maybe she’d taken it home?

Kara spent the next five minutes searching the office for it, even xray visioning the desk to no avail, and was about to leave in defeat when she noticed the bottom drawer of Cat’s white bar counter just sticking out a bit. Barely, unnoticeable to human vision. Thankfully Kara wasn’t human. Though Kara had this nagging feeling that if Supergirl were human, she wouldn’t be written on that envelope.

Kara crouched down and pulled the drawer out, gasping when she found the envelope on top of 4 others, all the same, all perfectly written, all perfectly aligned. Kara sat down cross legged on the floor and pulled out the one with her name, and carefully opened the edge, sliding photos and notes into her palm, wondering what all this was for.

Kara looked over the photos, reading the notes, some Kryptonian symbols littered here and there. Hmm. It had to be connected.

All this was still okay though. So Cat had a curiosity in Supergirl. Who didn’t? That was all fine. What frightened Kara was the incredibly detailed astral star charts neatly folded with it, the detail, and accuracy of pinpointing Krypton, and it’s neighbouring worlds, and the insanely detailed DNA threads of what Kara could only assume was her own DNA and some others beside it, though all except hers were crossed over with a red pen.

Kara folded everything back as it was, slipping it back into its place, and pulled out another, thinner one, finding much the same. After an hour of careful perusal, checking hers multiple times, Kara finally left and decided this required Alex’s help.

—-

“She has the what now?” Alex asked curiously, her brows furrowing with the news.

“Star charts. They look DEO quality, Alex. And DNA. How could she get fragments of my DNA?”

“Okay, relax.” Alex said, pasting a panicked Supergirl on the shoulder as she stood from her own seat. “DNA is everywhere, in a nailbed, in a strand of hair, in an errant skin cell. I don’t know how she could have gotten it, but she did. It doesn’t make this any more of a panic though. Even if she has your DNA, there’s nothing there that can lead her to you, and she has no reason to suspect you anyhow, does she? I mean, I realize your panic, but she can’t do anything to out you with the info she has. I just wish I knew why she’s collecting the info. Just 4 envelopes?”

“So far, just the 4, and this afternoon, mine came along. There’s Superman, me, Barry Allen, which is weird in and of it’s own self, and then a Bruce Wayne, somebody. There’s a bunch of names on each, and multiple DNA strands that she’s crossed out, and others with question marks, and the Bruce Wayne one has one with a check mark on a strand in that folder. I need to know what they are, and why she’s cancelling out so many. She’s looking for something…”

“I wouldn’t worry too much, Kar. She’s obviously got a hobby of some sort here. It’s not on the mark anywhere, there’s nothing linked to her name that’s curious, in this way. It’s a private thing, so it seems. Go home. If we find anything, we’ll let you know.”

Kara stared in silence as Alex walked away, not looking back, and then turned to look at Hank, who just shook his head and turned to follow Alex, saying nothing. What?

———

“She knows.”

The text came late, but it had Cat smiling still. Alex Danvers, agent mulder as well, both confirming that Kara suspected something about that envelope, and that she had in fact snuck in to check them in detail. Cat sat and thought about it for a moment, a long time really, and sighed when she tapped out her return message. Yes. It was time to reveal this. She suspected certain things about what would happen, but then again, Kara’s Birthday, or, her Kryptonian birthday, was in two days. And her Earth Birthday was in 3. This would be a perfect gift. Cat just hoped that her vision of what Kara really wanted was accurate. Her Stars claimed it was, despite being from different worlds, and Cat hoped that all these calculations were true.

The tests she’d done on everyone else, as proof, and with permission, said yes, these numbers were telling the truth. Superman had a mark with Lois Lane, much to their relief and happiness, and so did all the others she’d done these proof tests on, 3 in total. Then she’d tried Supergirl, with an errant hair strand she’d managed to rummage off Kara’s desk one evening, and had found her star cycle and everything else, and been set.

Then she’d done as suspected, she felt things pointing towards this, and tested herself. And surely enough, her stars and Kara’s were a match. Which meant, in any universe, that Kara was her soulmate.

“Deal with the others. This agency is a good thing, even if I started it mostly to find out Kara’s star alignment. There are soulmates who deserve to be found, and all that. It’s good for you guys too, as an alien assistance tech. I’ll deal with Kara. It’s time she ran into the Cat Grant folder, and I’ll see if she’s brave enough to ask about it. If not, I’ll drop by the party tomorrow. I’ll give her the ultimate gift.”

“Everything is in placement for you. We’ll keep her in the dark for now, she seems calm about it, if edgy. How are you dealing, realizing that she really is your one?”

“I’m pleased. It’s gonna be odd. But I feel her constant presence to me. I guess I always suspected, it’s nice to have it confirmed. Let’s go forth as we are. Just keep her calm, and if I don’t text you tomorrow, by 7, then set up the party as planned, in secret, for her.”

“Will do.”

———–

And nothing happens. Kara seems curious, but she hands over the fat Manila envelope and walks away like it’s nothing new, and truthfully it isn’t. But Cat catches the glance. Towards the drawer.

Cat waits patiently for Kara to ask, Cat can sense she wants to, but the day runs it’s course and nothing.

Naive girl, she’s way too soft and sweet, and naturally Cat should be disgusted with that, such a sweetheart demeanour. Cat suspects on anyone else she would be. But on Kara, because Kara is her soulmate, Cat loves it. Because Cat has loved Kara for a long time, forever, perhaps, and Kara might be exactly the softness she needs against the hard sharp outer shell Cat has built for herself. Maybe Kara is the balm for this, and that makes Cat one happy person, indeed.

When Cat drops by the next day, happy to find Kara in her suit for this whole party, clearly she just came back from some crime fighting, she has smudges of dirt on her forehead and cheeks, but she looks… beautiful. It’s Kara’s stare at Cat in her doorway that has Cat nearly laughing.

Her pure shock, the look in her eyes, the way she’s staring blatantly, unsure what to say because she’s just been caught and has no escape, and Cat has to step forward and gently bring her hands to Kara’s, pulling Kara’s messy dirty fingers into hers and holding on tightly as she speaks softly. “It’s okay, I know it all.”

——–

“What?” Kara asked in shock, still scared, shaking, looking at everyone around her as if they knew something. And of course, they all did. Even Winn, James, even Maggie, they all had planned this.

Cat smiled and released Kara’s hand, and pulled something out of her bag, a thin pale blue Catco envelope, and handed it to Kara, who took it with shaking fingers.

“Happy Earth Birthday, Kara. This gift you’ve deserved for years, I think it’s time.”

“What?” Kara asked again, her voice incredulous as she looked around again, then back to the envelope. “How do you…?”

“You’re sister helped me out with something a few weeks ago, and we started planning this. She told me everything, young Kryptonian girl. Open it already.”

Kara stared for a moment, her eyes flitting suspiciously to Alex, mouthing her name, and then focused back on the envelope before finally slipping the edge open and slipping her fingers beneath, pulling out a barely there two sheets of paper. “Is this my…? Cat?”

Kara pulled out her resume, her Catco resume, and stares blatantly at the bright red written over it in Cat’s handwriting. Reporter. Kara stares for a long minute, staring blatantly, and Cat would swear she was trying to X-ray the paper.

“You deserve this, Kara. I knew you would be a reporter from the second you walked in, and so I hired you on the spot, gave you the position you wanted. I saw something familiar inside you even then, something I recognized.”

“What?” Kara asked, meeting Cat’s eyes with her own, happy tears threatening to fall.

“Me.”

For a minute Cat wondered if Kara would faint, hoping not, because there was another envelope to be opened. I smaller, fatter one. Cat hoped she wouldn’t faint when Kara opened it.

“And there’s something more. Now I hope you’re okay with this, but I kinda looked through your horoscope and Stars. I hope that’s alright, I didn’t mean to pry, but I was too curious to see my suspicions come true.”

“Suspicions?” Kara asked, taking the envelope softly when Cat handed it over, and slipped the edge open after a long moment, recognizing the fat envelope immediately, watching as Cat pulled out the one with her own name, and opened it as well.

Cat pulled out her black chart, thanks to Winn, and her DNA strand print out, and watched as Kara pulled hers out, staring curiously, and gave hers over to Kara as well, smiling.

Kara stared at them both for a while, unsure of what she was seeing, and then the star graphs, and the double streaks crossed through them with Cat’s signature red fountain pen, and the fact that they were the same.

“Kara. Our DNA is a match, it’s the same, except for your Kryptonian parts, and we’re a complete identical match. Our stars are the same, the same stars were rising and falling when both of us were born, regardless of what world it was on. Kara, we’re soulmates.”

“Cat… how?” Kara asked, staring at the papers, and Cat smiled, pulling Kara into a tight hug, one Kara eased into immediately, smiling brightly, still unable to believe it fully. But then again, she’d always felt something, she’d just ignored it.

“I sensed it. It’s what ESP is. It’s a dating agency, Kara. For soulmates. I’ve helped dozens of aliens in this city. Forgive my curiousity, but I had to see your results, and then I couldn’t resist testing myself. Kara, if you don’t like it…”

“I love it.” Kara said after a shake of her head, leaning in to hug Cat again, smiling and crying at the same time. “I love it, Cat. I always suspected, I could feel it, but I never dared to hope for it.”

For a long few minutes, everything was silent, and the party went on, Cat finally kissed Kara, just softly, though she wanted it to be nothing but soft, and the party started up again, the cupcakes brought out, the cake, the drinks, and Cat smiled as soon as Kara took one and bit into it. God, what had she gotten herself into.

For a moment, Cat just watched, Kara settled into the crook of her arm with her treat, and Cat swiped at the icing too, much to Kara’s laughter, and smiled until Maggie decided to come up and speak.

“Can you do something for me, Cat?”

“Hmm?”

“Can you test me and Alex? Because I think I feel that thing too.”

Cat looked over at Alex, who stared at Maggie with a gasp, then walked over and hugged her closely, so much so that Maggie seemed to have trouble breathing through it. Cat laughed, so did Kara, and everything was good, and then Winn stood up with Lyra and raised his hand in invitation and Magan did the same, and Hank brought a hand to his forehead in laughter.

This would be epic.

[popsiclebunny]

Hospital/Parental abuse/Ultimatum (pt2/end)

Please read if you can

Long story short, I ended up (voluntarily) getting admitted into a psych ward and had to stay a couple of days, because I knew if I went home early, I would have to talk to my dad (on the phone because hes on the road working) about what happened overall and I felt like he would just push me into talking to him and that would’ve made me blow up and break down again ;/ Unfortunately, even though I was in the hospital for depression/suicidal thoughts, the doctors and their fickle schedules didn’t give me the chance needed to make sure I had some kind of plan to cope and stuff before coming home. I got a social worker who told me that they/she could/would find someone to talk on my behalf to my dad for me, but sadly, even that didn’t happened because, not enough time with doctors who keep time spent too short :/

While I was in the hospital, my mom and sis came to visit and unfortunately, she and I ended up arguing, and I had to painfully tell her that she was doing/acting the same way my dad was. She sat there telling me that doctors are evil, pills are evil and even went far enough to say that the other patients who were there, were “mentally crazy” :////She kept telling me that pills wont help and I ended up breaking down, telling her that she didn’t know anything and that any pills I was taking up to that point were always a big help to my health, we ended up having to compromise: She’ll respect my decision to get help and in exchange, I do what she wants, and that is to walking the noon time with her as exercise.

I already don’t want to walk with her anymore, because earlier when she was taking me, she went right back into saying that it’s unhealthy and unnatural for anyone to take pills and that god gave us greens and the bible to help us. Saying that I needed to STOP taking any pills and just exercise and eat healthy and I won’t have any issues. Sigh, I’m stuck and have absolutely no options, no safe place to go and the only choice I have left is suicide. My mom ended up making an offer to me earlier, so I have two choices:

Either continue living my dad OR move in with her, if she can find a place with 3 bedrooms ;//

Unfortunately, living with her is NOT an option, so please dont message me and tell me to consider it. My mom is bat shit deeply involved into her religion (7th day Adventist christian). Growing up, she always took control over me and my sister, esp in regards to our health. I haven’t even accepted her offer and she always has plans to pretty much take control over my whole life: food, health, diet, clothes, getting doctor help, and even wanting to control whether i’ll be able to get help or not in regards to depression .___. (at the hospital, I finally had to tell her that I am not and will NEVER be religious and she isn’t happy with that.)

Even more unfortunately, I would rather live with my dad than my mom, because her control is just... abusive and toxic. Living with her would fuck me up even MORE.

I really don’t have a lot of time left to make a serious, one-time decision ;/ I haven’t even spoken to my dad ever since I came home from the hospital and I can’t talk to my mom because all she wants is just to control me in regards to my health. I’m legit out of options and please don’t recommend I go back to the hospital. It’s gotten to the point where I am considering becoming homeless, in hopes that I end up in the streets dead, and yes, I know that is a super fucked up thing to say or even think, but with how things are, I’d rather be dead than continue being alive and having any contact with my parents.

Please don’t message me, to tell me to hang in there .__. this situation is seriously complicated and “hanging in there” isn’t a safe and healthy option anymore, I don’t want to be told anymore to ignore all this either .__.

I do have my first therapy session this week, I might try asking them for help, but at this point, it’s just not worth it anymore, I’m fucking serious, life just ain’t worth living anymore when my parents make me feel like someone who doesn’t matter to them at all ;/

[skychaser787]

Love, Simon novel vs. movie comparison. Spoiler Alert! (180710)

So this is going to be a 70% factual comparison (and of course because this is tumblr i’m going to sprinkle my opinions and rants here and there) of the movie “Love, Simon” vs. the novel “Love, Simon” (originally “Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda” by Becky Albertall). The list is definitely incomplete and i may add some more stuff in the future but these are the more “important” comparison of the things that caught my attention.

So here we are, my what’s-probably-going-to-be-really-awful comparison of the novel & the movie:

Where’s Alice?: Alice is Simon’s older sister who’s absent in the movie. Btw, she doesn’t normally come home for christmas, and she’s dating Theo, who’s Martin’s older brother.

Regarding Lyle, Suraj and Mr. Worth: They don’t exist in the book

and Ethan and Sophie: They were implied in the book. But in the movie Ethan got his own character and Sophie was shown as a text message

and Jackie: She doesn’t exist in the novel but i love their exchange in the movie.

as for Taylor: The opposite. His character is slightly more well developed in the novel.

Email address: Simon’s email address in the book is hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com. It’s frommywindow1@gmail.com in the movie. Both are referencing to different songs (Ok so a search from the web told me that it’s Elliott Smith’s “Waltz #2″ for the former and The Kinks’ “Waterloo Sunsets” for the latter)

Starting scene: In the novel, everything started when Simon forgot to log out from his email. But i found the introductory scene in the movie to be very refreshing.

Scenes that got cut: There was this part in the novel where Abby, Nick and Simon went together to Atlanta and they entered a gay bar / restaurant, and Simon got picked up by this college guy named Peter and got drunk. (And grounded for 2 weeks for the matter). As a sidenote, this was the key event that led to his parents’ acceptance in the novel, as opposed to him talking separately to his mum and dad in the movie

Scenes that got cut 2: In the novel, Simon did 2 theatre performances.

Eyeliner: In the movie it just got shown briefly that Simon performed with eyeliner. But in the novel, before the entire Martin saga, Abby drew eyeliners for Simon and (according to Abby) Simon looked “fucking hot”. Abby redrew his eyelines during their final show when they’ve patched up

Scenes that got cut 3: In the novel, after Simon and Bram were officially dating, there was this talent show where Leah played drum and Nora played the guitar (as helped by Nick). And since Alice was there it led to a pretty different ending which i’ll discuss later.

Martin is blue?!: The novel mentioned explicitly how Simon thought that Martin could possibly be blue. And the emotional havoc that follows thinking that he has fallen in love with someone who has blackmailed him and publicized that he’s gay.

Lack of interaction with Calvin?: The novel was more explicit in explaining how Simon kinda liked Calvin too (esp his bangs). The scene where he asked Calvin if he’s blue is only in the film. In the novel, Calvin fooled around with him and pushed him down the hallway in a rolling chair before the entire Martin saga happened. But after, Calvin casually mentioned that he’s bi and that they should hang out sometimes. (PS: I do think that Miles Heizer was a great choice for Cal. That bang is on fleek)

and lack of interaction with Blue...: I think the novel did a better job in developing the story on how Blue and Simon liked each other. Their exchange of emails, their convos, and how they fall for each other, romantically and “physically”.

Blue didn’t erase his email in the novel: He didn’t know anything about the tumblr saga nor did he let Simon know that he knows him. He never checks tumblr and they kept on talking. (PS: In the novel, Martin claimed that he deleted that post on tumblr before the admin could even remove it)

English test: There was this part in the novel where his teacher gave out Bram’s test results to Simon instead and it got full mark. Hint: In the novel, it was mentioned that Blue was a language genius and Simon vetted his email countlessly before sending it to him. And they tried to guess each other’s identity based on their english teacher.

Eliott Smith shirt: Blue (Bram) left an Elliott Smith tshirt on Simon’s locker with a little message (and it contains his phone number too) that Simon only found 2 weeks later as he kept that shirt under his pillow. On a side note, Simon’s parents found out that Simon was drunk bc Simon insisted to Abby that they go back to his house first (after getting drunk in Atlanta) because he needs to get that shirt. And he got grounded. (PS: The last line of the message says “So if you think i’m not attracted to you, Simon you’re crazy” AND ISNT THAT JUST THE CUTEST LITTLE THING ON EARTH OMG WHYCANTIHAVEASWEETHIGHSCHOOLLOVESTORYTOOTHOIMLATEBY1.5YEARSNOW)

Bram’s subtle hint: In the movie Brant drop some subtle (i forgot if it was oreo or halloween) hint to Simon when the gang ate together. But in the novel, that never happened and Simon was trying hard to find out who Blue was. Instead, Simon dropped some subtle hints to Calvin (which is obv not blue) and Simon also asked Blue some stuff that indicated that he thinks Calvin is blue.

Halloween party: It did exist in the novel but it was not a central event like it was in the movie. Also, Leah’s sleepover scene and John Lennon getting drunk scene were only in the movie

Waffle house: The 3 of them visited waffle house more than once in the novel. Also that screaming scene didn’t exist in the novel.

Simon making up with Leah: He carjacked Leah to waffle house in the novel. He ran up to her while she was walking her dog in the movie.

Simon’s involvement: Simon was much more subtle in getting Leah and Martin together in the novel, it’s as if he doesn’t do much. Simon didn’t make up lies in the novel, and the waffle house thing was Martin’s idea in the novel.

Martin’s public confession: Nope that didn’t exist in the novel. But i do think that it’s better to have such scene as it makes more sense why he decided to leak Simon’s secret. I found that the reasoning in the novel (Abby was disinterested in him before christmas) was rather weak compared to the embarrassment he got in the film.

The bullies: In the movie the 2 jocks were publicly mocking Simon and Ethan in cafeteria and Ms. Albright sternly scolded them. In the novel it was more like a series of subtle harassment and she dealt with them by revising some school policy conduct of anti bullying and tolerance before the theatre show, in front of the audience (because they crossed out Simon’s playwright character name (Fagin’s child) to become “Fag”). I liked the movie version better tho. The flow was better.

Coming out to his parents: There were more interaction and emphasis on how Simon came out to his parents in the movie which i found to be more heartfelt. Also his dad’s original line in the novel was: “Let me guess, you’re gay, you got someone pregnant, you got pregnant”.

Simon and his friends: I was also quite moved with the scene where during the day when school started again, this entire blackmailing saga “costs” him his friends. In the novel, Abby and Nick got together because they spent the new year together after Simon got drunk and grounded and that’s what pisses Leah off (in the movie it’s because Leah liked Simon but Simon set him up with Nick). But the novel delved deeper on how Simon felt like a jerk because he doesn’t even know simple trivia about his friends and ended up finding out more about it.

Ferris wheel scene: The part when Bram joined Simon and they kissed together at the top (and cheered by everyone) was only in the movie (EVEN THO THAT IS ALSO EQUALLY AS CUTE). In the novel, the carnival was almost over and the park was rather deserted and they just hold hands together. They shared their first kiss in Bram’s car (during one of their lunch break) where they decided to go out on an oreo date (and it was winter and it was raining too) AND IT WAS ALSO EQUALLY AS CUTE I AM JEALOUS

Bramon: They were quite cheezy as a couple in the novel AND YES I STILL FOUND IT CUTE 

Ending: The ending in the movie was Simon, picking up Nick, Leah and Abby as usual, and they got 5 coffees this time, and he picks up Bram, and Leah moved to the back seat, and Bram got into a front seat and they give each other morning kiss (AND I’M JEALOUS WHY CANT I HAVE A CUTE LOVE STORY AND A BOYFRIEND LIKE THAT TOO sorrynotsorrytoethanandcasper). In the novel, Alice, Nora, and Simon’s parents are off to this restaurant called The Varsity leaving Simon and Bram alone in his house for 2 hours where they made out.

Appearances: In the novel it said that Simon was blond, had grey eyes and wore spectacles. (Hey but Nick Robinson was a good choice nevertheless. At least he got his specs on during the flashback in middle school). PS: i was imagining Martin to be this thin, somewhat nerdy, bespectacled guy with curly hair but oh well.

PS: And i think Keiynan Londsdale (Bram) is pretty cute. Way to go Simon. Great choice.

[kanaruaizawa16]

Mental barriers, national identity, Nairo Quintana, and other ramble epically long random dramas

Probably with the lack of existence of a competitive ciclying fandom on tumblr, who can spam me of posts when Giro D’Italia or (especially) Le Tour (and in case of it having, I highly doubt to find someone who likes a fucking load Quintana and is not a Colombian, or Cal Banana Crutchlow who I think he likes everybody, or the random French citizen who married a Colombian woman and now he became a plot twist), probably nobody will understand my drama. But I have no regrets.

(long text ramble. Click on “read more if you wanna read it)

There are only six Colombian citizens I’ve ever drawn:

1. Me 2. A former friend who sadly was one of most stupid, negative and pretentious people I ever met in my life, and who I cut bounds with in 2010 3. A friend who actually works in fashion journalism and is fucking intelligent and cool 4. Another friend who is major in Psychology, intelligent and kind, and if it was not because she does not use Tumblr anymore, she would be the only person of Nairo Quintana fandom in Tumblr 5. Yonny Hernández, the first Colombian on going to MotoGP (2012-2016) and who will go back to Moto2 this year, and strangely, I like him because he gave me a funny advice without even asking him: “Don’t worry so much”... and the guy is not even known at all not even in Colombia XD 6. Nairo Quintana, one of most interesting people of international competitive ciclying. 2014 winner of Giro D’Italia and 2016 winner of Vuelta a España, among other things. And the reason of the text I am writing:

It’s truth I speak openly I am from Colombia. And also that I am from the Triple Border Peru-Colombia-Brazil from Amazon Forest. Most exactly from the most southeast city of Colombia, Leticia. But this does not mean necessarily I am that comfortable with being from this country. I am not particularly comfortable with my “national identity”. I even sometimes feel more comfortable with being from Amazon area rather than to be from this country because the way the Colombian of the big cities is so mean with the ones of little towns. And for average Colombian of big city, the ones who shaped the conception of being from this country, the identities of Amazonia region are... honestly, a “zero on the left”.

To be from Colombian Amazon shaped some things. The most relevant on here, t’s that It shaped my relationship with the people of the “interior”, where is most concentrated the power. It also shaped how much I dislike the attitude of average Colombians of being so self-centered and thinking everything is like on here.

And in motorsports, as a fandom who shaped most of who I am, it shaped several things, who affect also how I see any sport. Colombia has no motorsports tradition. The only properly succesful person on this is Juan Pablo Montoya, and for most Colombian people, his time in F1 was a “fluke”. He became just an anecdote and someone like a Takuma Sato for most people internationally. Only on Champcar (1999 champion) and Indycar he is really loved. This, in United States. I owe JPM to follow F1. I knew this thanks to the F1-boom on here of 2001-2004. And most importantly: I owe him that I found someone who I would truly love because of being amazing no matter the part of the world: Ayrton Senna. It’s highly known Montoya was a Senna fan. I knew about Senna because an old cheap journal talked about him, about how he was the idol of Montoya and about, of course, the epicfail shit of Imola 94. Of course the way I am a fan of Senna ended up shaped by my regional identity (because of my close contact due knowing Portuguese with how Brazilian people sees him) and the tensions it has with other things of me.

But...

The fluke of Montoya and the way he was dumped of McLaren in 2006 was one of reasons who shaped a thing of me: I became cold like ice with my fellows because I don’t like to get disappointed. In fact it’s one of reasons I see so badly that in Spain Fernando Alonso became so loved and some idiots because of it began to hate Sebastian Vettel or Lewis Hamilton. It’s the same insulting narrative for what Brazilian fans of Ayrton Senna who do not even care really about F1 are so jerks with Alain Prost or Michael Schumacher. But at least Alonso or Senna were/are succesful. Very succesful, with titles and all. At least Alonso, before of fluke, got two titles. Montoya... nope.

The most popular sport in Colombia, is football. In detriment of other sports. But Colombian football players have it hard for get in the same leagues of Brazil, Uruguay and Argentina in levels of tradition and recognizement inside Latin America. And with exception of some cases, rarely become recognized on international football. If you are a foreigner fan of Real Madrid, you will laugh, but here the national media is doing a fucking drama, a fucking soap opera over the situation of James Rodriguez and putting him as a victim of Zidane. But I have the feeling that nobody cares about him really, and some merengues see his contratation as part of the bad habit of the team of contract loads of people for later let them dumped. I saw it coming.

Time learned me something hard and dark: Nobody, regarding pop culture, nobody cares outside Colombia, of Colombian issues. Sad, cruel, but truth. I learned Shakira is seen as “another random pop celeb” (She is seen in Colombia or as a goddess or as a “betrayer” due her tendence to adopt the accents of her romantic partners of other countries. And I was a fan of her). And when my fellows in sport become succesful, if it’s a famous sport, they do not get international fandom.

The 90% of the hype with the gold medals of Mariana Pajón in BMX were from.... Colombians. Ibargüen in triple jump on Rio 2016? COLOMBIAN HYPE ALL TIME. And I do not trust my own fellows even with deserved, objective success. I do not trust my fellows, I do not even trust myself. I hate to feel “Colombian bias”. For me it’s bad, and stupid.

I feel so sad. I see guys of other countries getting fans of all the world. I see Messi, I see the Ronaldo’s, Romário, Neymar, having fans of everywhere. I see in motorsports how everybody has fans everywhere regardless of from where the person is. I can see it in F1. Even the most loser ones (except Haryanto XD, Indonesia is a similar case like Colombia). Even fucking Takuma Sato has international fans, not only in Japan. MotoGP? Despite of the pathetic overpatriotic attitude of some Spaniards with their own fellows (let’s be honest: The only Spaniards who are internationally famous are Márquez, Lorenzo, Pedrosa, Viñales, Pol Espargaró, and... maybe the leader of the commitee of homage to deceased riders, JULITOOOOO SIMÓN), I can see how many people has fans of everywhere. When Ranka-san drew Yonny Hernández, I admit I felt warm in my heart and I wanted to cry. I could not imagine he would get a birthday drawing of someone who is not Colombian. And so well done.

I went used to unrecognizement and disappointment and I saw it as normal. “Colombia is not a cool country. We do not care to anybody, and it does not help at all how attention seekers and self-centered are some of us”.

It reflected the most when I saw first time a prize award ceremony of Tour De France, in 2013. It was the debut attempt of Nairo Quintana. I was reading twistah at same time. He got second general place, and mountain winner of that year, and best rookie. I felt sad with the discrepance of the idiocies of Colombian media, putting the situation as if everybody on ALL THE FUCKING WORLD was happy with him... and what I was seeing on twistah, especially speakers of anything but Spanish Language. Everybody noticed more Froome (of course) and Sagan. This was a nasty eye-opener. People only cared for Nairo because he was from Colombia. I felt angry. And sad. And more distrustful of liking my fellows. As if it will never work. I even fear to support my fellows for later seeing disappointment and seeing “things will be always the same”. And blaming myself for softening my rules.

Call it exitism, or hating for my own country. Or an obsessive hiperrationality that gets exaggerated when identity issues are coming along.

Then, Quintana gets the Giro in 2014. It was first time I felt: “Wow, maybe Quintana will become something greater and someone who will truly be worldwide recognized and loved and spammed and fandomed and memeable by everybody”. And some time later, in 2015, I saw the precious video of the “plot twist” of the French guy who went to meet Quintana, with even a shirt of Colombian Football National Team (!!), and a Colombian flag around (!!!!), tried to talk him with a funny Spanish and get his sign and tell him he named his son after Nairo. I only felt that French guy was not that impressive anymore when he said “My wife is Colombian”. The “plot twist” comment I did was because I never expect people of Europe liking my fellows.

And in my country happened a FUCKING LOT OF HYPE after of the Vuelta a España. And look that now a generation of badasses coming from our piece of Andes mountain chain (where Quintana is da boss) is coming all around. Urán, Pantano (who I heard via radio, with my beloved father, his first victory on Tour De France in 2016), Dayer the lil bro of Nairo, Chaves, Aacona (the glasses guy)... but this was another level of ohmaifuckinggods. And even me I can feel the dimensions of this.

I will tell you something: Ciclying had been historically, more relevant of the construction of the idea of contemporary Colombian than football. Everybody, even me (this is not my fandom), know a lil bit of it. I even heard something: “the real national sport of Colombia is ciclying”, and with the flow of time, I believe it more. We have our own thing of national going for all country competence, the Vuelta a Colombia. Since 50s. Ciclying is followed for loads of people in all the country thanks to radio. Of all the ages and social positions. Especially in rural areas.

Do you know from where come Quintana brothers? Boyacá, in the central area of Colombia, from where come my father and all my late grandparents with exception of mother-side grandpa. There are a good load of mountains due Andes. Most cities are in high areas. It’s cold, fucking cold (Tunja makes look the weather of Bogotá like a joke). And they are fucking hard. And guess what, most rural people had used bicycle as transportation. Everyday, to school or for working. Everybody. Of course in case of the ones who become competitive, maybe there are differential of initial talent and of course getting better training conditions, but for begin with, to get the Andes is so normal for so many.

And, I wanted to draw Quintana for years since that 2013. But the feeling of that maybe I would fail with my feelings stopped me. I had fear of expose my feelings and ideas about this. Like “come on Kanaru, this is not your fandom” or “people will point to you one day”. I have no credibility. I will be so easy of point out as following a trend or being biased, he same way I am so harsh with everybody and especially with myself. I began to attempt drawings of him, portraits, sketches, but it was so hard. I felt ashamed and guilty initially. But secretely I read stuff about him. He happened to be impressive, cool and interesting, for real. And, an authentic icy who can keep calm no matter what. To the point of that I believe the reason Nairo, such a serious and icy guy, has in my country too many overhyped, cheesy fans, is because of Universal Balance.

The drawing was so simple in colouring, and shapes. I could get cool on getting a proper expression on him. But I think that’s not the most important. I think the interesting was.. it was I could draw him. Get the perfect expression, the cool aura. Making him recognizable. It was the thing I could break off in my mind. An art block I carried from mid 2016. Some insecurities, and worries.

Probably it’s his success who also is helping me to get the best of me. Getting some impossible and unexpected things. Or maybe that it is getting too tiresome the excessive control I put on myself.

I suspect this fanart affected me. In a way, Nairo Quintana did “plot twist” me. And probably to a lot of people. He already caused me a strange effect I tried to negate for these three years and a half. Now I find myself complaining on twistah because I could not send him a proper Birthday message with this drawing. He had a hashtag and I did nor know until now.

I feel that the fact I did draw him twisted me even more. The last time I felt so twisted was in early 2009, when I decided to draw properly and in computer to Ayrton Senna for very first time. (Actually it was mixed between handmade and computer who did not look very well, especially because I had no tablet at the time). It was an illustration for a old story. Of course Quintana-san and Senna-san are very different people. Beginning with that Ayrton is not anymore on this world. And the dramas linked to them in my life are different.

But there is something in common: I’ve broke mental barriers and doing such drawings did something very strong in my brain.

Right no I am about to write Quintana-san. I hope to don’t be cheesy and mellow. Even though it means to ruin the equilibrium of the world. Now you know, if the world ends, it’s my fault for sending something cool to Quintana-san. LOL