#and remembering things

[nevesmose]

Sad rambling time. It turns out that if you spend years of your life being completely, desperately in love with someone in a way that you could never act on, sometimes you'll see somebody on the street that looks exactly like he might now that we're both old and suddenly start remembering every little detail all over again. Weepy story below the cut.

To quote the surprisingly deep and emotional novel of Star Wars Episode 3: this story happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. It is already over. Nothing can be done to change it.

Let's call him Nite Owl because someone once compared me and him to Nite Owl and Rorschach which I think is revelatory of something. Not very flattering about me I suppose but all my other nicknames at school were either serial killers or prissy female cartoon characters. We had a harsh collective sense of humour.

Anyway the incident that always sticks with me: on our last day of secondary school, as was tradition, we all fucked off early and went to the local park where somebody whipped out one of those disposable barbecues and everyone was having a fun old time.

It was also tradition to play a senior prank (my lips are sealed but it involved fish) and to wear fancy dress. I was a Ghostbuster with an inflatable backpack and he was a priest.

To give you an idea of our protagonists: me, your humble correspondent. I'm terrible at describing myself but the most flattering celebrity comparison I've ever had was to Matt Damon so I suppose imagine an introverted, depressed, insomniac Matt Damon with glasses who spent far too much time on 4chan and you're pretty much there. Main personality traits: undiagnosed autism and gifted-kid perfectionism.

Nite Owl: a tall chubby metalhead rugby player with long dark brown hair, deep brown eyes and a round face that lit up when he smiled. He was like the sun to me. We had a lot of similar interests e.g. Warhammer and just complemented each other in a way that even if there wasn't any romantic aspect we would still have been really good friends. The kind of person you just instantly feel a vibe of "we understand each other" with which is always worth treasuring no matter who or where.

Anyway, there was a big romantic aspect of it from my side at least. I never knew how he felt. But for me it was just a realisation one day, meeting his eyes during some inane conversation about whether Narnia was in the EU, that I would be so happy to just have this forever.

I treasured every bit of physical contact we ever had. He gave me a plastic Jack Daniels cocktail stirrer once and I kept it ever since. He borrowed the first Ciaphas Cain book from me and when he gave it back it smelled like him.

Christ I was pathetic about him. Still am, even just a little bit, or I wouldn't be writing this.

Looking back on it now with as much objectivity as possible, I think he was most likely a) straight and b) aware of how I felt but still enjoyed being around me and being my friend. And as sad as that is to think about, I feel like it's also kind of a testament to his character. He didn't have to do that.

But to get back to the last day of secondary school where, like I mentioned, I was a Ghostbuster and he was a priest. His priest outfit had a purple sash as part of it and while we were in the park he came over and put it around my waist and said "this is for you."

And I knew even then I was being ridiculous but in that moment it felt like a wedding ring. I was so, so happy to have something of his on me like that. So I was all twitterpated and caught up in the good vibes of the day and I thought, fuck it, I'll never have to be around any of these people again, and I decided that I would put my faith in every fucking fanfic and whatever else cliché possible and I would ask him to go for a walk with me in the trees down by the river at the bottom of the park, and I would tell him how I felt.

And even if he didn't feel the same that would still be ok in a way because I would have at least told him, I would have at least been brave enough to say it out loud after literally years of silence. At least I would have that.

So I went back over to where everyone was and looked around for him. He wasn't there, so I asked oh hey, where's Nite Owl?

And at this point I sadly need to introduce the antagonist of the story. She's only the antagonist because I'm the one telling it though. None of us was actually the bad guy here, not even her. Let's keep to the Watchmen theme and call her Silk Spectre.

It turned out that a short time earlier, Silk Spectre had gone for a walk down by the river with Nite Owl. Apparently she wanted to tell him how she felt about him and it was all very cute and sweet.

I leave it to you to imagine how I felt in that moment.

I left his sash for him somewhere he could find it and got a lift home. That would be a fitting place to end the story wouldn't it? That's how I would write it, with the last ironic twist making my actions all for nothing and the final touch of taking off his sash. Music, credits, not a dry eye in the house.

But. I started at university and tried to get over him, had the briefest of beginnings of other potential relationships. And then one day I saw him on the bus. I had the thought hammering in my head, don't do it, don't talk to him, don't start it all over again.

But I did. The idea of being near him again was too much to give up on. It turned out that he had taken a gap year before going to uni himself. He and Silk Spectre were still together (sensation of dissolving in my own upwelling stomach acid) but he had the decency not to mention her much and we were able to pick up our friendship as though no time at all had passed.

I tried very hard to be ok with it not having any prospects of developing further. That was a poor decision on my part and I think he understood better than I did how unhealthy it was. We drifted apart over the next year or so, and my last contact with him was one New Year's Eve feeling very lonely and depressed I texted him "happy new year x" and he never replied.

So that was that. Like I said, looking back on it I think he knew what the situation was and was doing his best to be a good person about it, which wasn't something I had thought of before I wrote it all out like this. For what it's worth I really do hope he's happy now.

They say "if only" is the worst kind of regret but I nurture a particular loathing for "even though" because even though I tried to do everything right it still didn't work. Sometimes that's just the way it goes.

[bbboar]

when i first read scott pilgrim one thing that impressed me was like.....the artist knew how to draw clothes for women that werent boring??? And for a man in the early 2000's-2010s that was a huge accomplishment in my eyes. Esp considering some of the male gazey or just basic ass shit male artists in cape comics would have their female characters wear

In comparison Mr.O' Malley seemed to understand comfortable and fashionable silhouettes for women, even if they were dressed more sexily. I would see the outfits and think "Yeah girls do wear stuff like that."

And iirc there was a little piece of text somewhere (maybe in the bonus materials in the comics) where he explained tht he did look at magazines and study what women would wear and like... the effort showed!

Like i remember there was this particular teacup style dress Kim wears at a party in one issue that was so fucking pretty i felt envy irl bcs i wanted to wear such a cut silhouette and look as good as she did.

[mechanicaldance]

I forgot I had a Fnaf oc omg

juniper my beloved

[flame-shadow]

hey did you know??? that if you stop stretching and maintaining mobility in your body then it goes away?? things get tight and you can't move the way that you used to??? and when you decide to try getting a stretch routine going that the first week fucking sucks because you keep going 'damn i used to be able to do this no problem' and then you have to switch gears and be kind to yourself and just focus on getting better from here instead of berating yourself for dropping the good habits in the first place??? and your body never stops aging so you gotta keep taking care of it and sometimes you gotta take care of it extra in certain areas because of things that happened when you were younger and it's boring and sometimes hurts but it's so necessary???

i am yelling this at myself right now i am going through An Experience (trying to get into a routine of body maintenance again for my physical and mental health)

[vicholas]

the funniest part of the jason x sex scene post is actually watching jason x and finding out that the sex scene was plot relevant because jason revives at the very same time they were having sex in the room next door and it's implied that jason could sense them having sex while he was cryogenically frozen and it pissed him so much (because he hates sex) that it revived him. if you removed it you would make the movie less funny.

[lesbianralzarek]

"life doesnt get better, you just get stronger" does NOT include ages 11-17. life does in fact just get better from there. those years are dogshit. like, you do get stronger but its mostly just a factor of not being 11-17 anymore. positive thinking helps but it doesnt fix whatevers going on at 15, you have to brute force through that one raw

[whats-this-mustelid]

I just think that 'animals are living intelligent creatures that have feelings and deserve to be respected' and 'when done properly farming is beneficial to both people and animals and there's nothing wrong with raising and killing animals for food, clothing, and other products' are concepts that very much can and should coexist

[kensatou]

meanwhile notes put up by the guy hired by my dad to help with foreign guests at his little ryokan in rural japan (“my english is not perfect,” said the guy earnestly. “but i think i can always get the meaning across.” “great,” said my dad. “that’s all that matters.”):

[aphel1on]

i have such a love for characters who descend into madness or villainy out of deep, deep empathy. characters who fundamentally cannot cope with the cruel realities they find themselves in and blow up about it in spectacular fashion. fallen angel type characters with tears of outrage in their eyes. characters who break before they bend, and break so badly they splatter blood all over their noble ideals. every variation on it gets me so good

[kermitspussy]

like where did it come from i was literally doing a silly little art and craft

[bixels]

There's no such thing as overpreparing for love.

Happy (late) Rarijack Valentine's.

[claypigeonpottery]

painted some of this with my fingers.

for authenticity?

no. I didn't want to wash my brushes

[professorcalculusstanaccount]

I remember discussing Tintin casting choices with a friend from Germany and remarked how it was odd he often has an English accent in adaptations rather than a Belgian one, and my friend just replied "that's because Tintin gives incredibly strong English boy energy (derogatory)"

Here in the UK there's a lot of weird classism tied into accents. Today accent diversity and representation in broadcasting is actively pursued but in Tintin's time there certainly was a preferred accent to have.

imagine this exchange happens between pages 28-29 in The Crab with the Golden Claws

[july-19th-club]

seriously have been thinking about this all night long. call me autistic but the fact that 90% of workplaces the point is not to get your work done and then be done doing it but to instead perform an elaborate social dance in which you find something to do even when you're done doing everything you need to do in order to show your fellow workers that you, too, are Working . because you are at Work . disgusting why cant we all agree that if there is no work immediately to be done. we just dont do anything

[daftmooncretin]

my absolute favourite thing about the kirk and spock dynamic is that the whole time you’re watching the show spock is gaslighting you into thinking that kirk is this loose canon and spock is paragon of logic keeping his captain on the straight and narrow when its very clearly the other way round. aside from being turned on by everyone and fighting like an old-timey boxer…. kirk is just like.. quite a logical, stable guy. like yeah he rules with his emotions but he’s rarely reckless or erratic, even in situations of immense pressure he’s always calm and measured. sure kirk is unhinged and insane, but we knew that right off the bat. spock on the other hand tries to hide how insanely balls to the walls crazy he is by standing next to jim and hiding all his derangement with logic. i think the reason bones beefs with spock so much because he is the only one who has noticed that spock is an absolutely unhinged individual. (jim is too busy doodling <3 mr jim spock <3 all over his briefings to notice)

[hinamie]

in spite of everything, I had fun <3