#and remembering things

[nevesmose]

Sad rambling time. It turns out that if you spend years of your life being completely, desperately in love with someone in a way that you could never act on, sometimes you'll see somebody on the street that looks exactly like he might now that we're both old and suddenly start remembering every little detail all over again. Weepy story below the cut.

To quote the surprisingly deep and emotional novel of Star Wars Episode 3: this story happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. It is already over. Nothing can be done to change it.

Let's call him Nite Owl because someone once compared me and him to Nite Owl and Rorschach which I think is revelatory of something. Not very flattering about me I suppose but all my other nicknames at school were either serial killers or prissy female cartoon characters. We had a harsh collective sense of humour.

Anyway the incident that always sticks with me: on our last day of secondary school, as was tradition, we all fucked off early and went to the local park where somebody whipped out one of those disposable barbecues and everyone was having a fun old time.

It was also tradition to play a senior prank (my lips are sealed but it involved fish) and to wear fancy dress. I was a Ghostbuster with an inflatable backpack and he was a priest.

To give you an idea of our protagonists: me, your humble correspondent. I'm terrible at describing myself but the most flattering celebrity comparison I've ever had was to Matt Damon so I suppose imagine an introverted, depressed, insomniac Matt Damon with glasses who spent far too much time on 4chan and you're pretty much there. Main personality traits: undiagnosed autism and gifted-kid perfectionism.

Nite Owl: a tall chubby metalhead rugby player with long dark brown hair, deep brown eyes and a round face that lit up when he smiled. He was like the sun to me. We had a lot of similar interests e.g. Warhammer and just complemented each other in a way that even if there wasn't any romantic aspect we would still have been really good friends. The kind of person you just instantly feel a vibe of "we understand each other" with which is always worth treasuring no matter who or where.

Anyway, there was a big romantic aspect of it from my side at least. I never knew how he felt. But for me it was just a realisation one day, meeting his eyes during some inane conversation about whether Narnia was in the EU, that I would be so happy to just have this forever.

I treasured every bit of physical contact we ever had. He gave me a plastic Jack Daniels cocktail stirrer once and I kept it ever since. He borrowed the first Ciaphas Cain book from me and when he gave it back it smelled like him.

Christ I was pathetic about him. Still am, even just a little bit, or I wouldn't be writing this.

Looking back on it now with as much objectivity as possible, I think he was most likely a) straight and b) aware of how I felt but still enjoyed being around me and being my friend. And as sad as that is to think about, I feel like it's also kind of a testament to his character. He didn't have to do that.

But to get back to the last day of secondary school where, like I mentioned, I was a Ghostbuster and he was a priest. His priest outfit had a purple sash as part of it and while we were in the park he came over and put it around my waist and said "this is for you."

And I knew even then I was being ridiculous but in that moment it felt like a wedding ring. I was so, so happy to have something of his on me like that. So I was all twitterpated and caught up in the good vibes of the day and I thought, fuck it, I'll never have to be around any of these people again, and I decided that I would put my faith in every fucking fanfic and whatever else cliché possible and I would ask him to go for a walk with me in the trees down by the river at the bottom of the park, and I would tell him how I felt.

And even if he didn't feel the same that would still be ok in a way because I would have at least told him, I would have at least been brave enough to say it out loud after literally years of silence. At least I would have that.

So I went back over to where everyone was and looked around for him. He wasn't there, so I asked oh hey, where's Nite Owl?

And at this point I sadly need to introduce the antagonist of the story. She's only the antagonist because I'm the one telling it though. None of us was actually the bad guy here, not even her. Let's keep to the Watchmen theme and call her Silk Spectre.

It turned out that a short time earlier, Silk Spectre had gone for a walk down by the river with Nite Owl. Apparently she wanted to tell him how she felt about him and it was all very cute and sweet.

I leave it to you to imagine how I felt in that moment.

I left his sash for him somewhere he could find it and got a lift home. That would be a fitting place to end the story wouldn't it? That's how I would write it, with the last ironic twist making my actions all for nothing and the final touch of taking off his sash. Music, credits, not a dry eye in the house.

But. I started at university and tried to get over him, had the briefest of beginnings of other potential relationships. And then one day I saw him on the bus. I had the thought hammering in my head, don't do it, don't talk to him, don't start it all over again.

But I did. The idea of being near him again was too much to give up on. It turned out that he had taken a gap year before going to uni himself. He and Silk Spectre were still together (sensation of dissolving in my own upwelling stomach acid) but he had the decency not to mention her much and we were able to pick up our friendship as though no time at all had passed.

I tried very hard to be ok with it not having any prospects of developing further. That was a poor decision on my part and I think he understood better than I did how unhealthy it was. We drifted apart over the next year or so, and my last contact with him was one New Year's Eve feeling very lonely and depressed I texted him "happy new year x" and he never replied.

So that was that. Like I said, looking back on it I think he knew what the situation was and was doing his best to be a good person about it, which wasn't something I had thought of before I wrote it all out like this. For what it's worth I really do hope he's happy now.

They say "if only" is the worst kind of regret but I nurture a particular loathing for "even though" because even though I tried to do everything right it still didn't work. Sometimes that's just the way it goes.

[mechanicaldance]

I forgot I had a Fnaf oc omg

juniper my beloved

[frownyalfred]

love reading an older fic (10-20 years+) because you get these hilarious author’s notes but ALSO because you get the occasional “shout out to Jessica….without you telling me to write this fic it wouldn’t exist” and then the author proceeds to write the best 100k fic you’ve ever read and the whole time you’re thinking to yourself, where is Jessica these days? does she know she sparked this amazing fic? shout out to Jessica hope you’re doing well girl

[flame-shadow]

hey did you know??? that if you stop stretching and maintaining mobility in your body then it goes away?? things get tight and you can't move the way that you used to??? and when you decide to try getting a stretch routine going that the first week fucking sucks because you keep going 'damn i used to be able to do this no problem' and then you have to switch gears and be kind to yourself and just focus on getting better from here instead of berating yourself for dropping the good habits in the first place??? and your body never stops aging so you gotta keep taking care of it and sometimes you gotta take care of it extra in certain areas because of things that happened when you were younger and it's boring and sometimes hurts but it's so necessary???

i am yelling this at myself right now i am going through An Experience (trying to get into a routine of body maintenance again for my physical and mental health)

[vicholas]

the funniest part of the jason x sex scene post is actually watching jason x and finding out that the sex scene was plot relevant because jason revives at the very same time they were having sex in the room next door and it's implied that jason could sense them having sex while he was cryogenically frozen and it pissed him so much (because he hates sex) that it revived him. if you removed it you would make the movie less funny.

[cronchy-baguette]

thank you for loving me

[kermitspussy]

like where did it come from i was literally doing a silly little art and craft

[lost-the-narrative]

"IT WAS ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE A ONESHOT!!!" i scream, desperately clawing at the floor, as the fic drags me back into The Depths to continue writing against my will for the rest of eternity

[kensatou]

meanwhile notes put up by the guy hired by my dad to help with foreign guests at his little ryokan in rural japan (“my english is not perfect,” said the guy earnestly. “but i think i can always get the meaning across.” “great,” said my dad. “that’s all that matters.”):

[98chao]

spamton might genuinely be the most divorced character ever

[victorposting]

it would love house and you all know it

[candiedfright]

me when my head hurts a lot and i start seeing the rashomon man

[aphel1on]

i have such a love for characters who descend into madness or villainy out of deep, deep empathy. characters who fundamentally cannot cope with the cruel realities they find themselves in and blow up about it in spectacular fashion. fallen angel type characters with tears of outrage in their eyes. characters who break before they bend, and break so badly they splatter blood all over their noble ideals. every variation on it gets me so good

[jawlipops]

i wanted to draw wuhluhwuh but im not obsessd with anything rn so im revisiting 👍

[rooniearts]

Drew this all the way back in February and just now realized I never posted it :'D Anyway have yet another Silver culture shock moments