#and remember when jake didnt either.

[ispyspookymansion]

remember when devon didnt like lexy

[the-acid-pear]

Yesterday I had 3 thoughts but I was like I'll remember tomorrow I won't wake up to type them now and I forgot two BUT I remembered one of them so that's huge

[drawnfamiliarfaces]

In one of the episodes, Jun mentioned that she wanted to pierce her ears twice. in your version she has already done this?

oh dude you either have memory of a steel trap or someone had a good rewatch recently! But, wow, tbh I do not remember this and in HoM AU designs I only delibarately added earrings/piercings to Kim and Jake to sort of break their design more from their og looks (especially Kim lol, I barely changed her anything xD) but also for practical in-verse reasons. I didnt even think about Jun or anyone else... but you know? I like it, so now she does!

AND now she got 7 of them!!! Some are just simple hoops or studs, but others are magical gem stones for emergencies (small spells and protections), and she can just swap them out when needed.

After you mentioned it, I wonder why out of all characters Jun is like almost the only one without piercings of any sorts? I mean even Lila got a fang earring and she has been human-shaped for like less than a year?? Which led me to a headcanon:

What if Jun's invulnerability is so strong she couldn't even get piercings in a normal human way? So, going with her Mom or her friends to get her ears pierced in a mall was out of the question. She and Jasmine had to enchant a needle/make a spell (or maybe just visit a monster beauty salon), just for her to do it and after they just show up to her parents like: "Oh look Barbara, Michael, I took Jun to pierce her ears, doesn't she look wonderful?'

And later Jun just took the needle/spell to covertly make more piercings with her friends, which Ophelia was more than happy to do. The other three she got a bit later over the years. ;D

[aonungyoufuck]

Runaway {Part 8}

Runaway Masterlist

DNI/BYF

Synopsis: with too much pain in your heart. You run away. However Neteyam brings you Ao'nung. So what else to do but Runaway together.

You had been Avoiding Ao’nung. More in fact you’ve been avoiding the entire family. And Ao’nung knew why. He had fought with his mother tooth and nail about it wasn't fair. How it wasn’t fair that even if he had the option to choose from whoever. That they still had a say in who he got to be with. 

Thankfully his father. Eywa bless him, had tried to fight for him too. But Ronal was stubborn as she was ruthless. And they were nothing compared to what she chose. He knew you didnt mean to avoid him. 

He could see it in your eyes how you longed for him. For you to be able to talk to either him or his sister. If he could, he'd change it all for you. But he was just the son, Not the leader yet and never if he had no Tsahik. 

He didn’t understand. Had his mother not seen how wonderful you were? Had she not spoken of how brave and strong you were? He was so sure he didn’t need to worry about his mother. He was sure she adored you too. 

And he saw your brother’s pitying looks. And your sisters given him looks of sorries. 

He tried so desperately to talk with you. Secretly or not. But you had seem to take his mother’s words to heart. 

Avoiding him. Never meeting his gaze. Never once even being able to breathe around him. 

It was suffocating for the both of you. And he prayed to Eywa. He constantly prayed to her that if she was as kind as she had been now. To please let this love blossom much more. 

He had known the sea as cruel and Harsh. But his mother had proven her much more. 

It had been Lo’ak who was the most understanding. Your whole family had been so worried about you. Always weaving, never even seeing the sun unless absolutely necessary. It was Heartbreaking to Neytiri. You were her Eldest. The very spark of life that Jake and her needed. 

She had seen you blossom until a strong warrior and she had seen you nearly died. She swore that whatever happened if Eywa let you live she would fight for you and your happiness as much as she could. 

But you had stopped talking almost entirely. Never having that light in those eyes she knew since the day you took your first breath. 

Jake had done his best. But he didn’t know what to do. So Neytiri had to watch your flame dim and die. 

She couldn’t quiet say what it was. But she took a wild guess and was surprised by her youngest. It was confirmed. You were heartbroken. And she would not sit idle and watch it destroy you. 

So one day while you were alone she entered. Beginning to make food before turning to you. 

“Ma ‘Ite, Tell me what bothers you so” Neytiri finally asked. Watching as you stopped weaving to look at her. 

“Nothing bothers me Sa’nok ,  I am fine” You could only speak, You had known your actions have been less then desirable and you had been so miserable. 

You just wish you weren’t so easy to read. 

“Its about a boy is it not?”

You couldn’t answer. For it would make it all to real in your heart. 

“What is holding you back?”

“I am not enough for his mother” 

“When has that ever stopped you from following your heart” 

You looked at her. Eyes red from all the crying. How long it been? Months? You couldn’t remember, It had all blended together and it made your heart hurt so much worse. For you longed for those sweet words he told you. Wanting to repeat them back to him one day. But now you couldn’t

“Because i am not fit to be the Tsahik of this place” 

There it was. That final nail in the coffin as your father always put it. It had been to real. Neytiri hadn’t been stupid. She knew that there was something. But she watched you destroy yourself these past five months and she had enough. 

“I want to be enough. Why cant i be enough. I done everything as you all want me to. I done things right and ive done nothing wrong and yet I am not enough” You began to sob. A sob catching at your throat. “ Mother why cant it all go away”

Neytiri sighed. Holding you close to her. 

“ I want to go away. I want to disappear. But i dont want you to follow me. Everyone’s made their place here. Its just me. I don't want to have to look at his face or his family” You wept. 

Neytiri couldn’t hold you close enough. Couldn’t do much at all. 

Neytiri had grown over the year. She had learned to accept it all. To accept Spider into their family. Had learned that her Kids are growing. Had grown to accept it all. And she had to learn to do it all over again. 

“If you decide to leave, I will not stop you. If you think this is what will help with your heartache. If you do decide i will let the family know. We are Sully’s and Sully’s stick together my dearest” 

You could only nod. Falling asleep in her arms. A decision being left out in the open. A decision you had already made. 

—------------------------------------------------

It was night. The perfect time really. Your family had already bid their goodbyes to you. Your mother had already explained it all. You truly didn’t want to go. But being here brought you too much pain. 

Everyone was reluctant to let you go. But understood as to why. Your flame had died. 

You explained it would be only for a short while. Maybe making it like a short trip to ease your mind and soul. And would bring back things for them and the clan when you are to return.  

Your parents would pass by the message. Though you knew that Ronal would be more than happy. And you would come back hopefully with those feelings gone. 

You called to your Ikran. Silently praying that no one would wake. 

“So you are leaving..”

You turned. Seeing Neteyam look down Shamefully while Ao’nung was right beside him. His face was tired. Everything about him looked tired. 

“Nete!”

“I am sorry. But i am your brother. And as much as i dont like the idea of Ao’nung being my brother..No offense by the way. I cannot stand to sit by and watch it destroy the both of you” 

You avoided Ao’nung’s gaze. Neteyam brought your hand and intertwined it with his. A pit in your stomach forming. 

“I…Im sorry i avoided you for so long” You voiced. Looking at Ao’nung’ “but i didnt want to anger your mother more than she already was” 

“Is this why you’re running away?” 

“...yes..no” you sighed whipping your eyes again for who knows that time that day. “I want to get rid of these feelings for you. I had hoped you would too while i was gone”

“So you do regret what you feel for me?”

“I never did and i never will. But Lets face it. This thing we feel isn’t going to happen and you know it. So long as your mother is there. She will never see me for anything but a Sully. The outsider” 

It was Quiet. Far longer than you had hoped. Nothing but the sound of the ocean and the tide. 

You so longed for his touch and yet it felt like it was burning you. So long as he stood there and said nothing it was like a knife to your heart. May Eywa take away your pain now. 

“I wont let that happen” 

“Ao’nung-”

“In you is all Gentleness. All perfections of the world, so my spirit languishes perpetually by your absence” 

There they were again. Those sweet words that had swept you off your feet. The words you so longed and craved for. Staring at him. His eyes burning with a passion he had never known before until you. 

“Eywa know’s your name, I've been praying all these nights. For you are the only woman i have chosen according to my heart” 

He lifted your hand and placed it on his chest. There it was that sweet tune of his soul. You had heard it once and it ached to be with you. To forever hold you within its grasp. 

He didn’t know what he was saying. He just knew that if you were going. Well may as well say it all now. 

“And if you go what strength have i that i may bear it. That i may be and have patience while you are gone?”

You looked at him. Eye to eye. 

“Even if you go i will await you. Even if you chose another i will await until we are reborn again and we can be with each other. For no one’s ever made me feel this way. So what have you to leave, When i am all you think about?”

You bit your lip. Hand on his chest and one at your Ikran. 

“If you two leave. I will not say a word. I am just here to wish my sister a goodbye” 

Ao’nung nodded. Never breaking eye contact with you. 

“You cannot follow me” 

“Why not?”

“Because you are everything to this clan too. What say you, You aren’t build for the woods. And i am not for the sea” 

“I will follow you outside of Pandora if i must. I will follow you to the end of our lifetimes, So please do not push me away too. I cannot bear it any longer than i have” 

“Are you really willing to leave your family?” 

“I am” He hadn’t hesitated. 

“ I dont know when i’ll be back” 

“Doesn't matter so long as im there to have you” 

“We dont be able to mate as traditions say”

“But Eywa has blessed us with this now”

You wept. You cried again for who knows how long. But you just held onto Ao’nung Finally feeling that longing burning he always seemed to radiate. “What makes me so special to you”

“You make my heart beat far more than any other. I would hope that would be enough for you”

“It is. But Ao’nung what if i can never return. You won't be Olo’eyktan if you leave.”

“ a tittle is worthless if you do not call me yours”

 “And what about your family?”

“Father will understand if we ever return. Tsireya has your brother to take care of her. Ateyo has the whole clan to watch over him too. And mother…Mother will be alright too”

You stared at the sand. Ears flat down as all you could do was ponder your situation. For once happy someone was choosing you over all else. 

“You’re crazy”

“We already knew that” 

Resting your head on his shoulder as all he did was caress your back. It felt peaceful. To think only a few months ago you had become Metkayina. And now Ao’nung was throwing that all away. You could go home. Realistically you could live there. But Truth be told You didn’t know how Ao’nung could hold up to that life. Sky people were still a threat from what you had been told. And Yes you were Toruk Makto’s daughter. But he was no Olo’eyktan. Not anymore. Mo’at would take you in no doubt. Keep you safe with her and the people you had grown up with. But who’s to say they hadn’t relocated. 

You just stood there. Waiting for anything to tell you this was a bad idea. 

“ Do you really want to do this?” 

“If you allowed me so” 

You smiled. Watching as Ao’nung turned to Neteyam who had been there to see it all. 

“Please. Do not tell anyone i am leaving” 

“ I wont. I promise” Then he turned to you. “Will you be going back home?”

“I’ll see if they’re still there. And if they are and there is no danger of Sky people. I will stay there for as long as i am allowed” 

“And if they aren’t there?”

“Don’t worry. Big sis has that already covered” You quickly went to hug him. Tightening your arms around him. “Thank you ‘teyam” 

“Don’t worry. I owe you one you know?”

You could only laugh. Grabbing your stuff before hopping on your Ikran. Waiting for Ao’nung as he carefully sat behind you. 

“Eywa will let you know if we are home. And if not that we are safe” 

“Be carefully sister. Come back soon”

“I can only hope” 

Truthfully you knew you probably couldn’t Ao’nung had given up so much just this very moment. And you were taking a risk allowing him to do so. 

—-------------------------------------------

Home. It was nice to see the forest again. Something Familiar. But just as you had suspected. There was no one left. Everyone had moved as you predicted and realistically you didn’t blame them. 

“Ao’nung?”

“Yes?” 

“Would you be okay if we stayed close by to your home. There is nothing here anymore for me” 

“If you so ever wish Y/n” 

You knew the flight was tedious. So you set camp for the night. Thanking your mother for teaching you so much as you set a hammock for you and one for Ao’nung up high. 

By morning you would make a tiresome flight. Luckily for you it was Closer to Awa’atlu. You had seen it on the flight here. The clearing in the forest where a giant lake stood. Perhaps Eywa pitied you two. But you could live there for the time being. 

For you had a lot to think about. But Ao’nung was there to reassure you and your worries. 

For once you enjoyed sleeping in the trees and see the sky again up high. You had hoped to see your grandmother. But as things have it. Nothing ever goes your way. 

“Ao’nung?”

“Yes?”

“You know your mother will behead me once we come back right?”

“If we go back”

“Ao’nung..”

“I am serious. For you id start somewhere new. Im just sorry your home here is gone now”

You smiled at his words. Maybe some way you would see your grandmother again. You hoped at least. But for now you rest. 

Going back is a death wish for you. You knew as much that’s true. But that would be okay.

You would bear it all. 

So tonight. You went to sleep. Thinking of your family back at your new home. Did Ao’nung really not miss his family like you did? Either way you would have to settle it in the morning. You were glad you could take your bow and your spear with you. 

—------------------------------------------

By Morning Ronal had noticed her son’s disappearance. Not pleased with it she went to the Sully’s Marui noticing your lack of presence. So She burst. Demanding to know where he son was, Where you were. 

“Y/n? She left on her own accord Last night.” Jake stated. All of which your family agreed. 

“Ao’nung is missing. Did she take Ao’nung with her?”

“Neteyam. You were the last person to bid goodbye” Neytiri stated matter of factly bring Neteyam up front to Ronal. Look her dead in the eye too. 

“No. Y/n left on her own last night. She will back some time later she said tho we don't know when for sure” Neteyam said, lying through his teeth as he didnt waver under her gaze. 

“Ao’nung probably left early for hunting” Tonowari spoke leading Ronal out of the Marui. Quickly exchanging a look with the Sully’s 

Bowing his head and looking at Neteyam. “Do you know how long it will be for them to come back”

Neteyam sucked in his breath. He hadn’t known how to answer. Was he aware of what was happening. 

Jake stood up and headed towards him. “Y/n said anywhere between months to a year from now”

“I see. I hope in that time Ma Ronal can see that your daughter is a fine warrior to be Tsahik” He bid them goodbye before heading out as well. 

He knew. Though he didnt know exactly how Ao’nung left. He just knew. He had done Crazy things when he wanted to Court Ronal. He had done the most stupid and absurd things to win her heart until she was finally accepted as well. 

He could only hope that in that time while you were away. That Eywa would bless all of you. For people do crazy things when they’re in love

—--------------------------------

“Well this is something�� Ao’nung commented as you two had landed in that clearing you saw a few days ago. He was exhausted and more so hungry. So he was thankful that you had taken the lead to hunt. 

“I’ll come and fix us a place up at the trees. Or would you like it in the middle of that lake?” You asked. 

The lake was by no means the ocean. But it was big. And from the looks of it connected underground by a tunnel. You wondered if one day you could go and explore it. See what's there and see the rest of the beauty Eywa has blessed you. 

“Since we aren’t mates and i do not wish to dishonor that until i have properly courted you. Ill make my place at the lake. And you in the trees.” Ao’nung Suggested. 

You smiled nodding as you left for your hunt. 

This wasn’t the forest you had grown around. It was different and more out. But you had managed to see creatures you knew and hunted. Alongside new ones you never had. 

Being on land was Amazing. 

However unknown to all of you, Reef people aren’t adapted to water outside the sea.

===========================

Taglist: @simp-erformarvelwomen / @luvlykrispy / @yeosxxx / @fanboyluvr / @littlethingsinlife / @eirianna / @elegantkidfansoul / @tsukibaby1 / @adaiasafira / @1-800-not-simping / @reggiesslutt / @cmfouatslota77 / @slutforsmut4ever / @zatarias-pandoraa / @valovesyou / @audigay / @sweetheartlizzie07 / @sseleniaa

[mschimdt]

OBSERVE pt.1

5455 words

recom!navi!quaritch x recom!navi!fem!reader

summary: you were reborn into a navi recom inorder to fight for pandora, but soon you ensed up feeling a connection to eywa, and you ended up escaping only to be caught by the colonel and punishrd accordingly, till he find you one dy during your heat cycle

this is a 100 folower special, thank you all so much, yes this is a series now and this is part one out of maybe 2 or 3

warnings: p to v, degrading, mention of injury, embarassment, public humiliation, sex, heat cyle, this hasnt been proof read so theres alot of typos, ill fix them soon when i have the motivation to

you opened your eyes, a bright light blinding you, you saw blue figures wandering around you, you went full panic mode thinking the navi caught you, you sat up, your head hurt but you couldnt let the dirty navis get away with this, your vision started coming in and one of the blue navis came towards you to attack you "LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

you stood up and attempted to punch them "(Y/N) CALM DOWN" said an oddly familiar voice, you were in a medical room, weird, they must have attacked bridgehead while you were out cold you didnt notice the 'little' humans under you

the blue guys came towards you restricting you from delivering anymore slaps and punches to their faces. you couldnt move, they were all holding you, "LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DIRTY BASTARDS" you said, still not noticing thay youre litteraly navi

you were still trying to set yourself free when you heard the familiar voice again. "y/n its us, stop freaking out, its me quaritch" he said "wha-" he cut you off "lyle, Z-dog" he said pointing at each of them, "okay okay let me go" you said

they let you go and you still hadnt noticed that you were navi, you were the same height as them but you didnt think anything of it, until you looked down "what the-" you said cutting your self off staring at your blue feet

you walked towards a reflective window observing your new look, fangs, a tail, blue skin, stripes, ears, and shit you were even 8'11

some scientists walked inside and told you to sit down so they could take your vitals and make sure youre good before letting you go

they took your vitals and you were infact good to go, they handed you some clothes, the others already left to inform the others that you were okay

you put the clothes the scientists gave you on and walked out of the door, this was a completley new area, not the hells gate you remembered, luckily there was a small map hung on the wall, you stared at it wondering where everyones gonna be

you didnt know where they might be, so you just headed in a random direction hoping youll ens up finding some other blue guys wandering around, after a few minutes of walking you infact did find another navi, it was mansk, atleast thats who you thought he was because of the shades, you walked toward him

"heyy uhh do you know where the others are?" you said regreting your life decisions, sure you knew mansk but this was awkward, "yeah, theyre over there in the lounge" he said, straight face "okay thanks, mansk right?" "thats right, y/n?" "mhm, thanks though" he gave you a little smile and continued walking towards wherever hes going, you headed towards the lounge only to find quaritch awfully speaking navi, you didnt know how to either but atleast you werent speaking gibberish

"we need to look navi, eat navi, hunt navi, the only way were gonna get jake sully is we act, like jake sully" you walked in and leaned against a wall listening to quaritch, then you spoke "they stull didnt kill jake? its been 15 years" you said fully expecting jake to be 6 feet under right now

"unfortunatley they didnt catch him, its our job now" quaritch continued rambling about how were gonna kill jake and how were gonna give humans a "bright future" and get rid of all the savages

before you knew it, you were already out on your first mission, you didnt even have time to observe your body and get used to it before you were sent out to explore, ever since you came back as navi, you felt a connection to eywa, similar to what jake felt

one part of you wanted to be with the people and the other wanted to kill the people, eventually you forgot about this arguement eith yourself when you saw 2 navis walking through the forest, they were omaticaya people, jakes people, or should i saw toruk makto

they were 2 teenage looking navis arguing with eachother, they didnt know you were there so they were screaming random shit in navi, the others noticed the noise and slowly walked behind the 2 kids, they were still arguing, which signaled they hadnt noticed you

suddenly lyle and walker snuck up on them and restrained them by their queues they started fighting them, you walked oit of the bushes along with the others, you had a decent military rank, you were a seregeant, right under lyles rank but higher than the others, so if quaritch and lyle werent there you'd be incharge

you walked up to the kids behind quaritch, as a form of respect, "what're yr' names" he was death staring them at this point, the kid said something in navi and quaritch replied back, both the kids started laughing at his bad pronounciation of words

" i dont like to repeat things, whatre yr names?" quaritch said, it lookes like he was about to fucking explode

"n-neteyam- and loak.." one of them said "neteyam what huh?" quaritch replies forcefully grabbing the other kids hand, noticing the 5 fingers on his hand, "lo'ak and neteyam sully huh, i suppose you know where he is dontcha" you were still standing behind quaritch incase anything happened

quaritch said something into his ear peice, "cuff them" he said turning away, "yes sir" you said walking over to the kids and harshly grabbing their arms to cuff them, when you notices something in the distance, before you had any time to tell the others, an arrow peirced through walkers skull, knocking her to the ground

quaritch stared at the arrow, imediatley recognising the arrow, it was neytiri, sullys woman

you spoke up "is that you Mrs. sully?" you said dragging the kids with you toward a tree, they kept kicking you with their legs, you ended up also having to cuff their legs "listen here little bitches, you stop squirming and trying to wiggle out of the cuffs, or else it wont end too well for you" you said completley fed up with their shit, you heard a scream from behind you and now fike was down too, he had an arrow in his leg, you were surprised about how quick these arrows could kill a person, they must be poisonus, quaritch came over and helped you carry the 2 boys

"cmon hurry up, dont wanna get one in the head" you said as you swung one of them over your shoulders ran for your life

one of the kids ended up activating a tear bomb with their fingers, and they somehow uncuffed themselves and escaped while you got knocked to the ground for a few seconds, you regained your consiousness only to find yourself on lyles shoulder, "lyle im okay you can let me go" you said waiting for him to drop you onto the floor

he let you go and a bright light shone from above, the helicopter was finally here and you could leave this shitty mission and think about what you were going to do about your "connection" to pandora

you got on the helicopter and finally arrived at what now was called bridgehead, walking over to your assigned room, you took your shirt off and stayed in your sport bra not having the energy to change your clothes

you layed in your bed thinking about what you were going to do to stop this awful feeling of emptiness because you werent living freely, roaming through the forest, embracing the culture of navi

after a few days you were fed up with the feeling of having to destroy a place you wanted to embrace so bad, so, you made an escape plan

you were going to leave on the next mission, ans youll turn your comms off aswell as your location so you couldnt be tracked, it was the only way you could do this

you woke up the next morning heading to the bathroom to brush your teeth and do your morning routine, you slipped on some cargo pants and left your room

you were in a shared "apartment" with all the recoms, there was a small room for each recom with a bathroom each, and a living room and a kitchen between the rooms, it wasnt bad just a little cramped

you headed to the living room, lyle laying in the corner of the L shaped couch and quaritch awake drinking a mug of coffee on the other side

"goodmorning sir" you greeted, you knew nott o get on the colonels nerves, hes DEADLY and when i say deadly i mean it.

"g'morning" he said back, not even looking at you, you headed to the kitchen to grab yourself a warm cup of tea so you could head back to your room

suddenly a voice spoke "why're ya up so early?" quaritch said, you couldnt read his emotions, he was basically unreadable

"i didnt realize it was so early, pandora timing is really confusing" you said, you actually didnt realize that ot was early, since the sun was up you just assumed that it was when you usually wake up

"makes sense" he said, still not looking at you, god this man gets on your nerves sometimes

awkward tension was building up, yoh were inpatiently waiting for your water to start boiling so you could make the mother fucking tea because you couldnt handle the overly dominant aura quaritch was giving off

finally, after what felt like an hour of waiting, the water finally boiled and you made your tea as quickly as you can so you could go back to your room, you went back to your room, finally

it was pretty early outside, almost 6am, you wondered why quaritch would be up so early, you took a sip of your tea, it was bitter, god fucking damn you forgot to add sugar

now you had to go back into the room that had the energy of 100 men radiating off 1 man, great

you unlocked your room door for the second time in the past few minutes and headed towards the kitchen again, already feeling the tense atmosphere, you also felt quaritchs eyes burning through your skull

you grabbed the sugar and turned back around, expecting to see quaritch staring at you because you could feel his eyes poking holes into your skull but no, he looked unbothered reading some book about the navi body that he was reading earlier

you entered your room AGAIN and you inhaled a breath, not even knowing you held your breath back there

you were bored so you decided to map out your escape plan on a peice of paper, or aeast write down the steps to it incase you forgot

you heard a loud knock on your door followed by other distant knocks on other doors, you flipped the paper over so whoever was there couldnt see it and you walked towards the door to unlock it wondering who wouls possibly need you at 7 am,

"surprise training, meet me outside in 10" quaritch said to you and the 3 recoms beside your room, going to bang on the other doors inorder to wake the rest up

you wandered into your room again, slipping on a sports bra and a tanktop with camo shorts and headed to the outdoor courtyard to meet quaritch,

"ardmore said theres a mission today at 3pm, they saw some savages running through the forest and ordered us to try and find them, meet me at 2:30 in the helicopter room" quaritch said , ofcourse he had to give us some shit to do for absolutley no fucking reason

training was the worst thing youve experienced in your entire life, you felt like quaritch was torturing you on purpose because he made you run 30 extra laps because your hands gave up mid pushups

you went to the female showers, your muscles were basically torn, you ran almost 6 miles because you failed one singular pushup out of the 40 you did before

you washed off with warm water, it felt soothing to your muscles, quaritch was basically a torture machine that tortures everyone, dying was better than having him torture you then it hit you. this mission was your chance to finally put your escape plan to use

your muscles barely felt like they hurt anymore, you slipped your clothes on and rushed out of the showers running towards your room, tiny scientists gave you weird stares but you didnt give a fuck, you were finally going to leave this place once and for all, forever hopefully

you were leaving, finally going to take care of yourself, you locked your door and flipped over the map from earlier, revising your escape plan before reaching into your closet to grab some clothes, a grey tanktop, you stayed in your camo shorts from earlier

it was almost meetup time and you didnt want to get on quaritchs bad side before making him mad forever, you headed to the helicopter room, this was it, the last time youll be in this place, hopefully

you sat inside the helicopter which is now taking off, no one has mumbled a word, you were glad, youwere never friends with any of them but you really didnt want to start a bond with them before leaving, because it might make you rethink your decision

thankfully, no one said anything the entire ride, it was quiet, atleast as quiet as it can get with raging helicopter flaps buzzing above your head, the aircraft started landing and soon before you even knew it, you were already down in the pandora forest, you were split into teams of two, you ended up with mansk, you knew he wouldnt be hard to distract

you walked off into the forest with mansk, waiting for t he perfect moment to stab him with an anesthetic shot you stole from the medical lab a few days ago

you saw 2 navi figures walking in the distance, it was time, you hit mansk in the back with the needle, he tried to fight you off before landing on the floor with a loud thud, you needed to leave fast, the colonel probably already knows about this, he probably doesnt know its you, you dropped your comms on the floor, you needed to leave now

you started running toward the 2 navi people walking around, it was one of the kids from last time, and another short kid according to your memory this kid was called loak, you didnt know about the other one though, they noticed you and went full alert until they saw you raising your hands up as a universal sign of defeat, "help me please, get me away from them" yopu said desperate to go far enough because if you stayed here they could easily find you, "and how are we supposed to trust you?" the older one said backing away and sheilding his younger sister behind him

"please, i dont know how to prove it, get me away from here before they find me, here you can cuff me just plase get me away from here" you say offering him the cuffs on you which you gladly took, he cuffed your hands behind your back to ensure that you wouldnt be able to do anything to him

"you know any navi?" he asks, "unfortunatley i dont" he says, you followed him "we're going to have to secretlet meet up with my dad first" he said holding the little kids hand dragging her with him, you arrived somewhere "stop here, im going to go call my dad, dont want anyone seeing you" you nodded and watched him walk away, just a few minutes later, he was back with his dad, jake sully

"y/n?" jake said while lo'ak stared at him confused "yes i know her! never expected her to end up liking the na'vis though. you sure this aint a trick?" you were still trying to convince him "i can assure you it isnt" jake was basically shocked now. "the clan isnt going to accept this easily, but imgoing to try my best, if they dont though, i cant reallydo anything so you;d have to find another clan to be with"

"okay"you said, jake uncuffed you and lead you toward hometree, it was a bit hard for the navi at first, but they ended up accepting you

now back to what happened to mansk

quarith found him unconsious on the ground with a needle stillstuck in his back and your comms crushed on the ground, you did this. he thoughtyou were loyal, he informed ardmore of what happened and called you "jake sully 2.0"

they ended up heading back to base, quaritch was fuming, once he reached the recom quarters he broke down the door to your room and destrooyed almost everything in it, when he came to the desk. he found a paper. labeled as "escape plan" and thats when he knew you'd escaped

a few weeks latee you were wandering around hometree, some havwnt accepted you yet but you knew theyd end up accepting your presence

you were still being taught the way of the people and they were trying their best to help you, quaritch was looking for you and yoh knew that, he was gonna come for you at some point, you needed to fight

at this point quaritch scrapped all the plans of finding jake, he doeant care about jake anymore, his only goal was to find you

he wasnt gonna kill you, he was going to torture you and force you to be a loyal member to the RDA so they can finish with the jake sully mission

you were sleeping, when you heard a sound, a sound like a helicoptera proppelers, thats when you kmew, they'd found you, and that was soon confirmed when a bright light shone into your sleepy eyea

you opened your eyes to find the one and only, quaritch, with a shit eating grin slapped on his face

he had found you

"thought ya could run huh?" he said through the grin, you got up to run away, find somewhere to hide untik they were gone, but it was too late

quaritch bent down and cuffed your legs, you still had your hands so you desperatley tried to crawl away but they were soon cuffed too

you found yourself on a helicopter back to bridgehead, you were basically sobbing, "fuck you" you said through your choked sobs "maybe one day" he said followed by a laugh, you soon landed in bridgehead and you were shoved in a cell

quaritch didnt care about jake now, the only thing he wants to do now is torture you, so he begun

he walked into your cell just a few hours after waking you up from your sleep, threw you some clothes, and tols you to get dressed because you were going to go on a 5 hour training

he wasnt leaving though, he stood at the door staring at you waiting for you to change

"turn around?" you said "no"

you kmew tjere was no arguing with him so you got up and changed, he wasnt hiding the fact that he was looking you up and down, you changed and he cuffed your hands and held you while your braid while you walked out of the cell to go to the courtyard

he closed the door that led outside to the courtyard and shoved you by your queue

"alright, 20 laps right now" he said waving his fingers to shoo you off, you actually ran the 20 laps, you were already exausted after but he shoved you by your braid to the ground "50 pushups and for each one you fail 10 will be added" lets just say you ended up doing over 200 pushups

"good job, now we're gonna begin training, that was just warmup, still 4 hours left" he said walking toward a wall with knofes hung all over it, grabbing a knife and handing it to you

he taught you some ways to stab someone and each time you did one correctly he mumbled a little "good job" followed by claps

"this is going to become a daily thing, and we wont stop till you can do 50 pushups in a row without fail"

you knew this was going to be a long week, or month maybe, even year

after a few training sessions, you warmed up to quaritch and you'd have little conversations here and there, he gave you your room back, it was all back to normal other than the training that you had everyday, but you were getting better, you were close to finally being done

you walked into the courtyeard for training, as usual you did some pushups, he ordered 100 and you did them all inna row without fail

he praised you and moved on to combat, you got everything right, he was shocked how fast youve improved

"i guess my jobs done here, you gotta promise me not to run off again, your not allowed into any missions till i say so"

"yes sir" you reply knowing that if you tried to run off again you were going to he in deep shit

you decided to not run off, and serve for the RDA, they wete using yoh as a puppet to track jake down and you were giving them locations, you ddint want to get on quaritchs bad side

plus after hanging out with quaritch you guys became friends, you thought you had feelings for him but you got rid of the idea knowing you shouldnt be inlive with your superior

the next day you were finally allowed permission to go to the gym, showering after the gym, it was the first time youve been in the gym for months, you noticed something change about the shower rooms but they probably changed while you were gone

then you heard a few male voices, the shower rooms looking different made alot more sense to you now, you were in the mens showers, thankfully the rooms had doors, you were going to wait it out till they were gone

you waited for 30 minutes until someone noticed the locked door thats been locked for way too long, without wster running or anything, they could see under the door and saw feet confirming that there was someone in there

"hey whoevers in there u good" you recognised lyles voice, you tried to make ur voice deep and let out a "mhm"

"didnt know we had an extra member huh, thats weirs, the others are outside it was just me, quaritch, and a few girls at the gym" you just stay silent not wanting to embarrass yourself any further

lyle walks away to save you the ebrassasment, he realized it was someone that wasnt supposed to be here, preferabley a woman . so he decided to just leave

but quaritch stayed, he wasnt going to leave till you left, he wanted to know whos in there "whos in there, come out would ya' its been an hour" you realized that theres no running away from this now, you got dressed and glowly peeked through the door to see quaritch with his hands crossed across his chest standing infront of the stall, "why're ya in here sweet 'eart?" he says, a dirty grin smacked across his face

"i didnt realize this was the mens room till i heard you and lyle come in, tried to wait it out but that didnt work well" you said, embarassed you came here in the first place

"well its alright, grab yr' stuff n leave now, shouldnt be in e're" " yes sir" you said, grabbing your things preparing to leave the mens showers, you dont know how you didnt notice this was the mens bathroom, after all theres some urinals in the corner, must've not seen them

you and quaritvh had grown close, you were basically friends now, not normal friends though, you wouldnt hangout or anything, just occasionaly have talks

your feelings for quaritch just grew in the past few months, you had a crush on him, without a doubt, you werent really friends with the recoms, so you'd end up hanging with some scientists, they werent that bad, they were just tiny compared to you

the next day you were in bed, you were uncontrollably horny, it must be the heat cycle, you heard about it but never did proper research about it, you're fucked, litteraly, because from the things youve heard, it lasts about 2 weeks and the only way to stop it was mating, it was mid day and you couldnt handle it, you took a day off and just stayed in bed

you didnt know what to do, but then, an idea popped in your mind, sure you need to mate to get rid of this, but you could try masturbating to relieve some of the feelings you were feeling, you were pretty nearvous because 1- your door has no lock so anyone can walj it, quaritch removed it because he didnt want you making more shitty plans 2-you never touched yourself in this body.

you layed down under the covers, and slipped your shorts to your knees, you slid your hands between your legs, and you started experimenting, your cold hands on your throbbing,warm,wet pussy felt funny but relieving

you rubbed your clit, the way it felt was amazing, you were sure you'd never be able to feel like this as a human, you slipped your other hand under the covers to push a finger inside yourse;f, maybe this could solve your problem, you were pumping your fingers in and out of yourself making sure to keep an eye on your door incase someone opened it, they tend to do that alot

and, it opened, you stopped your movements quickly putting one of your hands above the covers to make it seem more natural, it would be obvious if both your hands were under the covers

and you guessed it, it was quaritch "y/n why're you talking a day off, we need you today" he said, completley oblivious of what you were doing before he came in

"i just.......needed- a little uhhh break" you said, you didnt now how you were going to explain what was happening to you to him, so you chose not to

"ya sure? ya dont look too tired dya, anything going on that i should know about? dont wantcha makin' one of ya' little plans again do i now?"

"o-okay look sir- so basically... youve heard of the heat cycle shit or whatever it is? basically its happening to me right now and i really CANT join training or anything" a smirk appeared on his face only to soon fade away, "why cant'cha tho? dont know anything bout this stuff but ya' surely can join us?"

"not unless you want me to be incredibly fucking horny while training!" you said fed up with him asking questions, you needed him to leave now, you were just getting hornier by the moment, and his strong musk didnt help

"damn so thas what is is, coulda told me earlier, coulda helped" he said, smug smirk plastered across his face "y' want me to help?" you stood still shocked for a moment, the colonels never offered you help in anything, so the first time of him offering you help, BY HAVING SEX WITH YOU was definently weird "u-uh if you could sure..." you said unsure of what you were saying, your hornyness taking over

quaritch walked over to you, sitting himself on the bed right next to you, this is the closest youve ever been with him, the losest you ever got to him before this was when he tried to teach you how to do something with a knife, you didnt quite remember but that didnt matter right now, all that matters is that you need to have sex with the colonel to get this heat cycle shit over with

quaritch stared at you, then he leaned down, joining your lips together, kissing you, holding your chin with his thumb, the kiss quickly turned into a makeout session and every once in a while one would break the kiss to get a clothing article off, until quaritch was left in his boxers and you completley bare, while you were kissing you pushed the pants that were on your knees off your body, leaving you completley exposed

he cupped your breasts, qauritch was now ontop of you, in a plank like position, still making out, you were both under the covers, quaritch reached his free hand that wasnt holding him up down to pull his boxers off, he pulled them halfway off and broke the kiss, pulled them off, "holy shit.." you said not expecting him to be this big, you were looking at his shaft, it was leaking beads of precum, straining against his lower abdomen. you could say he was ATLEAST 15 inches long, thankfully you were navi and hopefully- could take it

"holy shit i didnt expect you to be this big" you mombeled out of shock, "oh yeah? and youre gonna take it all bitch", he didnt know if you liked being called names, but by the way your body responded, he confirmed that you enjoyed being called names

he reached his hand down your torso, approaching your dripping cunt, he needed to prep you, it was necessary because he was aware of how big he was

he stuck a digit inside you, and you let out a moan, it was more of a whimper because you knew you couldnt be too loud, soon enough there were 2 fingers thrusting in and out of you, ocassionaly scissoring you

he pulled out, reaching for his member to line it up with your cunt, he couldnt wait any longer and neither could you, you need to feel any form of release, you knew you were going to cum less than a minute into him fucking you, but who cares, atleast you'll get this over with, then you remembered you heard some scientist speaking about how if someone was in their heat cycle theyd need to form the tsaheylu bond with their "mate" or else it wouldnt work

you werrnt just about to ask quaritch if you could mate, you didnt know how he'd react to that, who knows maybe itll work if you do it without a bond, it it didnt work then you were going to have to suffer through the remaninig days of this torture

quaritch was pounding into you, you couldnt supress your moans and you were now moaning, you knew everyone could hear you "ya' like tha fact that eveyone can feel hoe good im makin' ya feel huh? dirty slut" him saying that was just getting you closer to your release, quaritch ocassionaly letting soft moans out into your ears, you never expected to hear this man moaning even if it was inaudible

"im about to-" you said, not being able to complete your own scentence "go ahead sweetheart" and thats all it took for you to cum all over his cock, helping you ride out your orgasm nearing his own release

you were being over stimulated now, he finally reached his orgasm with a loud groan, filling your hole up with his seed, quaritch's body went limp and he collapsed on top of you, his head laying next to yours, he regained his strength and he pulled out "we should do this more often" "yeah we should"

quaritch kissed your forehead "cmon go get cleaned up for training" "yeah dont think im gonna be able to walk" you said " well, too bad princess because im forcing you, colonels orders" "ugh" you mumbled with a loud groan sitting yourself up "i heard that" he said reffering to your "ugh"

you got up to go shower, unfortunatley for you, there was no shower in your bedrooms bathroom so you had to go use the recom shower

quaritch left your room a bit ago, you dressed yourself and left the room to head to the showers across the hall, your bedroom was right next to the living room you heard some recoms cheering for you, your face turned purple in embarassment as you walked to the shower not looking back, this was going to be a long day....

[eclipse-rain]

Rey'eng (The Balance of Life)

《The chorus of Eywa》

☆☆☆

Summary : when you wake up in a strange place without any memories and only being able to hear, will you be able to remember who you are, what happened to you and why?

Masterlist~

You felt like you were floating. You tried to open your eyes but found you couldnt. You tried to move your hand to wipe at your eyes but found you could not move even an inch of your body.

Where were you? What was happening? Who were you? What was the last thing you remembered?

Before you could start to panic you heard muffled voices.

"When will she be ready?" A male voice asked sounding impatient

"She should be ready any day now sir" a female voice responded

They sounded far away but they were still audible. It was muffled by what made it sound as if they were talking while in water, or mabey that was what you were in. They must have been in the same room as you from what you could deduce. Although, you didnt know if that was a good thing or not. You didnt recognise these voices and they didnt sound too friendly either.

The man scoffed and they continued their conversation which faded away from you gradually. That was the last thing you remembered before you fell back into unconciousness.

The next time you woke up there was a high pitched ringing in your ears. You didnt feel like you were floating anymore and a hard flat surface was what you felt you were lying down on. Your voice wouldnt come out either and your throat felt scratchy and dry. You felt like you hadnt had a sip of water in months.

What if you needed to call for help and you couldnt? Was their even anyone here who would help you?

You werent so sure.

You heard what sounded like two sets of footsteps walk up to and come to a stop beside you. They had been loudly chatting the whole way and continued sounding more enthusiastic now that they were nearer to you.

They sounded alot younger than the other voices you had heard before, of the man and woman. These voices were more energetic and excited, like they were on some sort of field trip.

"If this works it will be another huge step for humanity" one of them, a female, said with a squeel.

You could feel them both looking down at you. Even if you could have moved in that moment you wouldnt have. Theyre gazes felt off somehow. You could not seen their expressions but you felt like an experiment that was being showcased.

"If this works we might finally be able to beat that traitor Jake sully" the other, a male, said back to her.

They both laughed as they left.

'Jake Sully' you thought 'That name sounds familiar. But where do i know it from?'

Thats when the fragmented pieces of your memeories came flooding back to you in an instant.

~~~

You had been learning to settle into your new role in the metkayina clan.

It had been difficult at first but now you and your siblings had learned their ways and had acomplished not being burdens to them earning your places among them. It had been a hard change from your old home. You missed the trees and the forest, you missed alot of things. The bioluminecent foliage and hearing the buzz of the wildlife at night that inhabited the forest while you lay in your hammock to sleep.

Most of all you missed your clan members. You had to leave them all behind, your friends and even your grandmother as she was the former tsahik of your clan. You missed her alot. You missed sitting down as a kid and listening to her teachings of diffrent kinds of healing remedies with your older sister Kiri. Kiri was only a year older than you but she had a much better natural talent than you when it came to many things, including healing.

You did not covet those things that she had though. You had never taken much of an intrest in healing like she had nor an interest in hunting like your older brothers. You had flown here on your dads ikran with him, as you had not even gone through the right of passage as a young hunter to obtain your own ikran before you had to leave your home. When your mother had noticed your lack of a decision about what you wanted to do in the clan in the future she, in her worry, had decided to put it off for as long as possible.

However, you doubted she had thought that by putting it off it would end up meaning you would never be able to learn even if you wanted to with having to leave your clan and their ways behind. You wondered if she regretted not pushing you to do so even with your unease about it. Your dad had agreed with your mother not to push you on the matter, albet somewhat reluctantly due to the fact that he deemed it a necessity wheather you wanted to become a hunter or not.

He thought you should get it over with as soon as you could, as long as you felt comfortable with it, so that even if you chose to become a healer like kiri or anything else, you would have your ikran to help you along the way. Of course you were never pushed on the matter nor were you told any of this.

The trees told you.

Why people relied so much on their eyes you would never know. Why did they focus on what they could see, on what was right in front of them when you could get so much more from all your other senses. You had always thought of your eyes as your weakest point. If you got distracted by what was in front of them you could loose sight of the bigger picture.

Your senses were hightened ever since you were a child. You didnt figure this out for a long time of course. You thought you were no diffrent from everyone else. But the things they did, the things the people of your clan found intrest in never had the same weight for you. You did not aspire to be a hunter or a healer. You did not know what you wanted to be or do but those words left a sour taste in your mouth when you thought of being either one in the future.

The only thing that you seemed to have a shared intrest in with your clan was music. Songs and melodies. Your mother would always sing to you as a child. She sang you all to sleep with lullabies as children when you all slept in the same hammock as a family. When you closed your eyes you could see the colors of the sounds that were created by the flow of the music carried within her voice. Of the melodies that were played and of the tunes that were sung by the people of your clan.

That was your thing.

Music was something you shared with your mother even as you stopped being a child and grew up. That was the one thing you never grew out of. Neytiri continued to sing songs for you whenever you asked it of her. Lo'ak used to tease you about it sometimes being the annoying older brother he is. He would question you about it asking things like if you were still a baby that you needed to be sung lullabies at night and other questions along those lines.

That was until Jake had told him to knock it off which made him abruptly stop and he hadnt done it since. That was a while ago though, you were both alot younger back then, you were still children. It wasnt something to be held against him even if it had made you feel embarrased at the time. For a while after you had decided that you no longer needed your mothers songs.

That if you were going to be teased about it being childish than you could do without it. That didnt last long of course and soon you were back to your same old routine. The trees had told you that time that your mother had been sad when you stopped listening to her songs, that was part of the reason you gave up on your pride so quickly.

You decided that you didnt care what others thought when it came to anything with you and music. It was too important to give up and if you staying away from it was also going to make your mother upset than the negatives heavily outweighed the positives. Not that there were any positives except for feeling less embarrased in that short amount of time that you had been.

You missed them as well. The trees. There werent really any around where the Metkayina clan resided on a bay. So you handnt felt them in a while, instead now you grew a connection to the big sculptures of coral that were under the water. They were like the trees of the water.

Mabey your hightened senses and connection to these two specific things was eywas doing. The possibility had entered your mind and left again more times than you could count. There was a reason that made you think otherwise though.

That reason was Kiri.

Unlike her you could not feel a connection to everything in the forest where you grew up. Only the trees. Here you could not feel everything in the water. Only the coral. You could not feel or hear eywas heartbeat either like she could.

You were so unsure that this had come from eywa because oppositly Kiri was so very sure about what she was talking about. She knew her connection to eywa was stronger than others.

Sometimes you would stay awake at night worrying that you would never find out more about why you felt more connected to the trees and the coral than other things and why even at all. Though if Neytiri ever noticed you awake she could easily sooth you into a deep sleep with only a single song. That was all it took.

The trees would do the same if ever she didnt notice. The trees did not speak to you per say. You could hear them very well, but speak?

They did no such thing.

You heard their chorus often enough. How theyre songs played out and how they were directed for only you to hear. For your ears alone.

Of course the trees didnt play music. They had no such power. You were sure that if they did you would have heard about it from all the other members of your clan while growing up.

You remembered a time before you understood that the melodies you heard were not audible to others. You had tried to talk to the other children of your clan about it but only recieved odd looks in return. You had decided then not to mention it to anyone else. Mabey it was a secret ment to be kept to only yourself. Mabey the trees only liked to share their songs with you for whatever reason.

Theyre melodies with their hidden meanings and messages continued to play for you as you grew up. But they had faded away when you had moved to the Metkayina clan where the trees were scarce and few in number. Instead you started to here new songs. Quite like the old ones but different all the same.

From the coral instead of the trees.

They helped to guide you along in your new journey as part of the Metkayina clan. They knew how you were scared and struggling. They felt your emotions played out in song as you did theirs. With their guidance you were able to learn faster than you probably would have other wise, without their help.

But soon the new songs that the coral played turned to a faster more abrupt tempo. A marching pace like soilders getting ready to wage a war. And wage a war they did.

The humans did.

You heard how the coral was angry, how it cried over the needless deaths of its brethren. Of the tulkan and her child.

The tulkan mother who was the composer of songs and the spirt sister of the metkayina clans tsahik who interpreted Eywas will.

How it writhed in pain when it was shot at or bombed by the ships the humans steared and weilded.

How it shouted at you to help the other tulkan, the ones that had bombs placed on them by the humans.

It pierced your ears with its wailing for the cruelty to end and for peace to reign once again over the land and sea of Pandora.

It guided and helped you when you fought along side your family to do just that. When you helped your older brother to release Lo'ak, Tseraya and Tuk after they had been captured. And when you set off to rescue your sisters who had been captured a while after.

It helped you have more courage that you ever knew you had before. You coukdnt find a place in the world, in the situation you had been born into but one thing you could do was protect your family.

So when you and Neteyam finished untying tsereya, tuk and lo'ak from their bonds and neteyam told you to go with and look after tsereya and tuk while he and lo'ak went to help spider you did just that. Only when you saw your older sister being captured, like your younger sister, you could not stay still.

Of course you tried telling tuk to stay with tsereya wuile you went to kiris aid but you were only met with a very determined 'Sullys stick together' before she swam off in the direction of the boat kiri had been taken to.

Without much luck you had not gotten onto the boat without your being seen. Tsereya had been thrown back into the water when trying to help you both although you thought this was for the best since she was a clever girl and you knew she would swim away to try and get help rather than risking her life when she knew she couldnt do much in the sistuation you were all in.

You were banking on her getting help but you knew you had to protect your sisters no matter what. They were your first and only priority right now.

You and took had been tied next to kiri on the hand rail of the boat. After the avatar who captured you left you brought your sharp teeth down onto the binds that were holding your hands and tore them roughly off.

You did the same thing with tuk and then proceeded to kneel down to be level with her, touching her forehead to yours.

"Its alright to be scared i am too" you said to her truthfully "but i need you to promise me something"

You pulled back and looked her in the eyes to make sure she understood the weight of your next words.

"Promise me that you will be brave"

Tuk hesitated for a moment while taking in your words before she slowly nodded. "I promise"

"Good girl" you said smiling as you patted the top of her head in a conforting gesture.

Then in one swift motion you picked her up from the ground and threw her over the rails of the deck and into the water below.

You had been waiting for a distraction and your brothers had seemed to have caused the perfect one that you were looking for. Having the enemies distracted ment that you could get your sisters to saftey without them interfearing. You assumed that neteyam and lo'ak had been found out in their attempt to rescue spider.

Shots were fired and rang out in the air, explosions went off and fires started to burn on the ship.

You untied kiri and she dived in after tuk.

Earlier you had been worried to as if you could get them into the water in the first place. But now you just had to give them enough time to swim to safety by using yourself as bait that way they could find their way back to your parents themselves.

Of couse you had no doubt kiri would have had you take tuk back instead of her while she distracted them instead the only way you could think of avoiding that was to become bait before kiri noticed you hadnt jumped into the water after her.

You knew she wouldnt be dumb enough to expose herself after that when she had to make sure tuk was kept safe and returned to your parents.

You started to make your way over to the other side of the ship without being noticed first so that you could get far enough away from them.

Youre theory about your brothers was proven when you saw the three of them run past a little ways away from where you were hiding. You were about to run to their side to join them when you saw they were being chased and shot at in their attempted escape.

You felt helpless in that moment and didnt know what to do. You couldnt help your brothers get away like you had done for your sisters. They had guns and you werent armed.

Then again i suppose why couldnt you?

No sane person includes their death as part of a plan but you had never been that normal to begin with.

I mean trees singing, you must have been at least somewhat crazy. Thats why you never had that much regard when it came to your own life over others.

With that in mind you saw your brothers finally escape into the water and away on their ilu's. You felt momentary joy and triump before you felt dread. It was like the calm before the storm.

This was good your siblings were all away from the boat and safe and now tou were the only one left on the boat.

Just you.

Only you.

Without the older siblings who always helped you.

This was it you knew in thatvmoment that you truly were completely helpless.

If you truly wanted to stop them from going after your family you knew you would not walk away afterwards with your life.

You were now staring death straight in the face.

But the songs that had been quite started up again and they soothed you.

The songs that you had heard from the first moments in this world, the moment of your birth would now be with you in your final moments as well and that though comforted you more than it probably should have.

Thats why you started to realise that right then when you felt the most alone. On an enemy boat without your parents or any of your siblings, any friends or clan members you still were not alone.

She was with you now.

The Great Mother.

Eywa.

She would guide you.

And you decided then that if she guided you to your death than so be it.

~~~

Screams were head in the distance.

Tears fell and hearts broke.

The light faded from his eyes and the color drained from his face.

He was dead.

Shot dead by the demon who reaked havoc unto us.

But she wouldnt let that happen.

No she wouldnt.

This was her brother. Her family. Her friend.

Kiri would not let him be stolen from them when he had barley lived yet.

She would do everything in her power, everything in Eywas power, that it took to keep that from happening.

And that she did.

She didnt know how but one moment shes having them all lift him into the water and then the next hes glowing.

And shes glowing.

And then her head starts getting fuzzy but she doesnt care because the color is returning to his face.

Her nose starts to bleed but she only laughs because he has opened his eyes.

And finally she passes out before she wakes up to see him with a fresh healed scar in the place where he was shot and his arms outstreached in a welcoming hug.

Kiri does the same as she hears her mothers relieved weeping before they have all piled ontop of the two embracing in a big family hug. A hug like they used to have in their little hammock back in the forest when they were all so young. Kiri, neteyam, neytiri, jake, lo'ak, tuk and even spider too.

A thought occured to the two at the center.

It truly was 'a welcome back from the dead' kiri and neteyam thought.

While the last and at this moment probably the least member of the family bled out on the deck of the sinking ship.

~~~

Yes! You had done it!

You sank the ship along with any of the demons who were left alive on it.

Your family would be safe now.

Do you perhaps know how long it takes for someone to bleed out?

Five minutes.

Thats all it takes.

And just like that your gone.

Thats how eywa worked.

She did not revive the dead.

She had to keep the balance of life.

She did not choose who to take to the afterlife.

She could only guide those departed souls to their second.

And since Neteyams soul had been stripped from her grasp by Kiri before she could guide it far enough away therefore loosing her grasp on it, she would not be able to get it back.

This ment she had to take another soul in its place and she could not choose who herself. She was only able to influence the acts of the world, the nature, around the souls she guided into these lifes in the first place, upon all of their births.

She thought of the only act of mercy that she could show. The act of mercy that would be so desperatly called upon her in the event of any soul that was taken.

She couldnt not take a diffrent soul now, it was far too late for that.

It might seem funny to play at being a god to many but thats all good and well until you have to choose who dies first.

And so with the loophole that she found she guided your soul to its second life.

Frankly it was a coincidence that presented itself before her that seemed too perfect not to use.

This was the only way she could trade a soul for another without concicquence. Even if it played a part in the furthering of the fast paced development of humanity it was worth it as you played too big of a role in the future for you to die now.

With the transition of a soul entering a new life ones memories of their past life usually seem to be gone completely but this wasnt true at all.

They were still there, buried in your subconcious. Even though very few ever remembered and when they did it was usually only fragmented pieces, they were still all there you just had to fit them together again like a jigsaw puzzle.

And if it was you.

Yes. If it was you, you could surely do it.

Lying on that table in a new body, a new human body, where your memories of all that had happened returned to you. You began to gain feeling in your limbs, you could wiggle your toes and feel the lack of something where your tail had once been.

You opened your eyes and turned your head to the side where you were faced with a mirror. You didnt look like you used to, you did not look like a na'vi now but you did not look entirely human either.

Just like how the avatars of the humans still inherited some of their human features the same could be said for your transition from na'vi to human.

You looked human yes but if you looked closer or just stared for a little too long you could make out the points on the tips of your ears. The sharpness to your features including your jawline and the tips of her fingers.

But the thing that stood out the most was your bright yellow-amber eyes that you had inherited from your parents. An indicator of who you used to be, who you became and who you now are.

Your second life. Your purpose. With one look after your memories returned it became clear.

Y/n Sully's life had ended but yours was just beginning.

☆☆☆

•If you dont get what happened basically eywa helped to kill y/n (by comforting her with her songs making her feel fine with heading into a battle she knew she was gonna die from) because eywa knew the humans made another body that she could transfer to that would be strong enough to remember her first life

(like jake transferring from his human body to his avatar body using the tree of souls)

since they were both people who were chosen by eywa - u know the whole scene where her seeds cling to jake and with y/n being able to hear her from birth eywa wanted to just basically cheat having her reborn (where she probably would never remember her first life) and just transfered her conciousness instead so that was she would remember her past life but it was still sort of her second life like how jake became one of the people because technically being jn his avatar body was his second life

•The humans had been trying for a while with the transfer of na'vi to human body and grew one for y/n using blood they got from her when she got hurt - payed special attention to trying to get blood from jakes kids cuz well they were trying to kill them the whole movie

•Its fine if u dont get it, i confuse myself sometimes too

[amaryllisblackthorn]

spoilers for professor layton and the last specter

one day i'll finally write that ~analysis about how layton treats children esp in pl4 and esp in comparison to emmy that's been in my head for literal y e a r s at this point

i'm going to actually leave some of my scattered thoughts abt it here finally. note that this is all based on the US localization.

for lack of better words, layton treats children with respect and seriously. like of course he's mindful that they're children but he takes what they say and feel with seriousness. vs emmy who's often patronizing, demeaning, or impatient (for lack of better words).

this is prob most apparent with Luke in pl4, though not limited to him.

when first told about the door puzzle, emmy goes 'aw thats so cute let's do it'. like indulging a little kid. which luke is, but i digress. EDIT: briefly checked out the jpn text in the scene and it doesn't seem like Emmy calls it cute, and her tone isn't doing it either. seems like she's just like, 'Professor, let's do it!' which is interestinf

there's a point where Luke is freaking out about the specter and the power it has and how it's corrupted his father. emmy's like 'you cant seriously believe theres actually a specter!' but Layton says to Luke 'I believe the specter has the power you say it has'. Layton doesnt believe there's an actual monster re: the specter, but he believes there is something re: the specter, and that's the important thing. and Layton furthermore immediately goes on to say he's noticed something's up with Clark, himself. Layton is listening to Luke and taking his feelings and fears seriously and is validating him -- and this is so incredibly significant bc of Luke's whole feeling like he's unable to trust anyone during the game which is incredibly related to this but a bit separate so im trying not to digress. THE POINT. is. the difference between Layton and Emmy in this regard.

i dont remember if it's the same part -- i think it might be later but maybe not -- i think it's when Luke reveals how he can tell where the specter will appear next? -- but basically Emmy's kind of upset for lack of a better word that Luke had been withholding that info and is like 'are you hiding anything else, like what the specter has for breakfast?!' or something iirc. luke mind of apologetically defends himself with 'i didnt know if i could trust you' and Layton is totally understanding

EDIT: (i removed an example bc upon further reflection it wasnt necessarily relevant. i might readd it later)

then there's the part with Jakes' son near the end iirc

also the small part nearer the beginning iirc when Luke goes chasing after the cat and Emmy&Layton are chasing after him and Emmy complains to the professor 'he's acting like a child!' and layton's like 'heh well he is a child c; '

there's also how Layton treats/interacts with the Ravens

also when first meeting Luke and Luke's opening up slightly but then Clark comes in and starts scolding him which has Luke withdraw/angry/turn away and Layton's like, "Clark, please"

there's also the cutscene when they first see the specter, where before it appears. Layton asks Luke, 'well, luke, what do you think? do you see anything?', he says no nothing, and Emmy's like 'I still have a hard time believing this. it sounds like a scary bedtime story. is this even possible?'. Layton says, 'Well, we'll soon find out.' and then Emmy goes on to say 'and a poor boy who predicts where the giant specter will appear' and Luke's unhappy about her comment

ALSO when Layton tries to go after the Specter that scene and Luke grabs onto him and tells him not to go, Layton takes the time to talk to him. same for when Luke's freaking out when the police took Arianna away. Layton puts a hand on his shoulder, gets to his level, and talks to him seriously.

this isn't bashing on Emmy btw I actually enjoy this as part of her character and it makes sense to me the difference between her and Layton in this regard. im also not saying that shes like always like this with kids either. or that it's even kid specific. I genuinely think it's neat. I also think it's a super neat part of Layton's character.

also ive really got to either play through pl4 again myself or watch a playthrough to record all the specific instances again.

also Layton taking Luke's feelings and fears seriously and Luke coming to trust Layton at this time of his life means the world to me

[ur-fav-inactive-writer]

𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐀𝐦𝐲 𝐒𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐚𝐠𝐨'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐧-𝐛𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞...

Request by anon

WC: 619

You were Amy's younger sibling and Amy absolutely adored you.

You had never really felt attached to your gender, you never felt like your assigned gender but you didnt feel like the opposite one either. For years, you thought maybe it was just normal to feel this way

Until, you found out about the term 'non-binary', you read up on it and discovered it described exactly the way you felt about yourself

You were excited to finally figure out your identity, but you were also scared. What would your parents say? What would your brothers say? What would Amy say?

You knew you'd have to tell them eventually, you couldn't keep hearing them use the wrong pronouns and your dead name. It was driving you insane, they had to know

You scheduled a dinner with your older sister Amy, you worked with her but it felt right to do it in a more private way, you had always been close with Amy, she was your best friend

As you began to eat, you told her you had to tell her something. She looked intrigued and urged you to continue after seeing your nervous expression

"Well, um... I'm non binary. I go by they/them pronouns and my new name is (Y/N). And if you don't like that, then im sorry, but it's who I am."

"(Y/N), im not upset about it, I accept you for who are you are, I love you no matter what your name is or pronouns are!"

You were overjoyed that your sister accepted you but you came to the realisation that you'd also have to tell the rest of your biological family and your work family.

You decided to first tell your work family, you'd have your sister there to guide you through the announcement and you were certain you'd have some support

The next day at the precinct, as the briefing came to an end, Amy announced that the two of you had an announcement. You both stood at the front of the room and she looked at your reassuringly. You sighed as you began to speak,

"So um... I thought I should tell you guys that I no longer go by (deadname), I go by (Y/N) and my pronouns are they/them. I'm non binary."

The room went quiet for a moment. You were scared but everyone quickly reassured you that they accepted you for who you are.

Rosa and Holt were especially proud of you for coming out, surprisingly they both gave you a hug (despite not being touchy people) and told you it was a good thing you came out and told everyone who you really are.

Jake thought it was cool and was obsessed with your new name. He made sure everyone got your pronouns and name right.

Scully and Hitchcock try their best to get your name and pronouns right, sometimes they slip up but they do apologise for any mistakes they make. They're old but theyre trying which is what matters

Terry and Holt prioritise changing any paperwork with your deadname and any information that had changed since your transition.

Charles did very good with remembering how to refer to you and gave you a very tight hug while congratulating you for gathering the courage to express who you really were.

Amy started dork-dancing with joy once you successfully came out to everyone, she was so proud she couldn't help it. She hugged you tighter than anyone else.

But then came the hard part, coming out to your family. Amy decided to arrange a family gathering and made a binder on hoe to come out. When you came out to your family, she was right by your side. No matter how your family responded, she stuck by your side the whole time.

[maria-ruta]

Veronica 💢 🕷️ 👪 and ❤️ :3

💢 ANGER - what are some habits they have that will take some getting used to?

usually she takes some extra time in the begining of the night to put a pretty face X'D washing, makeup, outfit, nails etc... thos some of her images take less time of preparation (like punk for example)

I can remember one specific moment in the game when she didnt have time to make herself all pretty and such because had lots of things to do and later on regreted this bc was mocked in elysium by it's keeper toreador and her goons, and im sure it wasn't the only ocasion in her life, so yeah i think as years go she keeps taking her preening routine more seriously and personal, probably OCD in some sense

another trait of her that some vampires might have troubles to getting used to - she has high level of humanity, so she would be against hurting inosent people, or killing anybody etc

if you have troubles or problems, she is willing to help, but it might turn into her giving her advice that you haven't asked for. so for you it might be pretty irritating, sometimes she's crossing the line

🕷 SPIDER - what is their biggest fear? do they have any irrational / mundane fears?

her beast taking over resulting in her hurting others (happened at least several times in our game), her loosing her humanity completely and her turning into inhumane bloodthirsty monster

loosing everyone she loves, being completely lonely

hurting kids - she even has tabu on drinking blood from children and teenagers

👪 FAMILY - what is their family like? what is your ocs relationship to them? does your oc have any siblings?

her biological family: back in 1920s, before she became vampire, she had father and mother, older sister and younger sister. older sister was married and had husband and little son Tommy (around 6-7 years old. the only character i came up with a name hahaa). her family origianally lived in little town near Chicago. Veronica had big dream of becoming singer or actress in Chicago. Her parents were judjemental of her lifestyle there and were telling her to stop this nonsense and marry already, like her big sister. So Veronica didn't have very good relationship with her parents but it wasn't awful either. Her relationship with her sisters were better

But after her embrace her sire arranged it so that Veronica was noted as dead so... Veronica hasn't had a chance to see her family again, because she had to keep the masquarade... Her family were heartbroken and her parents made a conclusion that nothing good comes from girl chasing her stupid dreams in a big city U_U

Even tho it was dangerous and painful Veronica sometimes would sneak to see how is her family doing

her last relatieve who remembered her - her nephew Tommy - died in nursing home around 80s. Veronica visited him there once, the second time she came he was already gone

sad is the story of immortal creatures

but neitherway, during her vampire years of life, she made friends and connections

there are vampires that I think she would call her family

for example her coterie members - Rene (character of my friend Kate), Jaquilene (character of my friend @tench-art), Charlie (character of my friend @osatokun)

her sire Moore, her friend anarch Jack, her friend Johny

fairy Monica also quikly won a place in Veronica's heart, and she thinks of her as her little sister (Monica called her big sis several times anyway haha)

and Veronica's current boyfriend brujah Jake is going to become her long term relationship (for at least several years for sure. its rare for vampires to have relationship forever) so he's also getting a place in her found family haha

❤️ RED HEART - their love language(s)?

attention, help, gifts, doing something for you, hugs, kisses, flirting idk

Link to the ask meme post

[away-ward]

wow, your latest qna about DN made me think, who is the most and least aggressive person in ranking? What do you think KO? How would you rank them? I think my top three would be damon/ emory/ michael. Now that you've mentioned about damon and emory, it reminded me of your past posts about their personalities and collaboration, how well they could work together without having any problems because they probably are pretty much on the same level of aggression and level-headedness, and only until now, i never actually realised that emmy IS pretty aggressive and dominant?

I dont think PD executed em's character well, but because of that qna, it made me zoom out of my understanding of DN and compare and contrast these characters, and surely, emmy really was pretty aggressive. Like why am i even shock, lmfaooo. I think other than PD not executing it well, emmy was also dealing with a lot of doubts and fear when it comes the "thunder bay" part of her life. We dont see her hesitating afterwards right? But then we dont see much of her overall. This also made me think thats why the train exchange between emmy, michael and kai had to happen. Or she will just leave again lmao.

like In comparison to banks who is outwardly pretty aggressive, but in actuality, she is more of a good follower of damon, her mom, gabriel and even kai in that hideaway bonus than a good enforcer (like you mentioned) or a pioneer, i feel like emmy is more aggressive in spirit than banks, i guess? Naturally, not just because of survival. Which also made me find banks & emmy's dynamic to be so interesting because on one hand we have emmy who looks laidback (we're talking about after nightfall) and banks who has piercing eyes, but in reality if push comes to shove, emmy would lead banks, not the other way around? Oh, wow? Or am i wrong? Like, do you get my vision, KO? It made sense right? And i feel so much headcanon can be done with that where banks could possiblly and finally get a close friend who she can follow who would catch her and lead her well rather than try to cage her all the time like everyone who's dominant than her in her life rn? Damn! We could've had that!!!

like the cocky laidback dominant nerd and her very prickly piercing submissive rule-follower/enforecer best friend? Like this friendship will be the first time where the use of the word "submissive" and "dominant" dont sound condescending because both banks and emmy can feel safe in their dynamics because they saw nothing wrong being either role, because! Theyre! Besties! And! Would! Kill! For! Each! Other! And put! Others! To! Jail! For! Each! Other! Omg? Noooo, like can you see the vision, KO? AHHHH! I remember watching larryreads's reaction to reading nightfall and she mentioned something about emmy being a shy nerd and i was like what? Did we read the same book, because the word shy or blush didnt even exist in nightfall. I remember emmy being described as ready-to-fight, cocky and stubborn, and quite flirt/spicy when she let go too (hence why emmy overpowered alex in their friendship dynamic, or even between emmy and aydin/damon), as oppose to banks who's very beautiful, prickly, super great boxing fighter, outwardly aggressive, steady reliable great worker who can also work in the dark, very loyal and honest. Im not saying they both dont possess these traits, im just saying one is more dominant than the others when it comes to these traits, especially in decision making. Emmy dngaf much about being shrewd or use lies and manipulation in a bigger scale, but banks did grew up being forward, straightforward and honest. And omg, another contrast!!

OMGGGGG If DN is famous, AO3 writers wouldve written them as that powerful feme duo, frfr. Ngl, banks and emmy really reminds me of Tristan and Dante from the dark verse series by runyx, where tristan is banks, and dante is emmy. Tristan is that dark, broody, killer and dante is the mediator and decider. Remind me of lana myers and jake denver, jake is emmy and lana is banks in terms of the do-er and the mastermind. Submissive and dominant. Not in the temperament all the time, but in overall characteristics and actions? And i just noticed too that We just dont see because emmy as being aggressive or pioneering because of side characters overtaking her povs in nightfall + her being introverted. But even then, i feel like emmy's voice still surface above them when it comes to decision making whether anyone agrees or not, which is why emmy can also be very divisive in the fandom, Which omg!!!! This brings back to that MBTI test, emmy really does sound like an INTJ, haha! And banks, ESTJ? ISTJ? Anyway, didnt emmy took a lot of control in fire night? From her conversation with will, her going after the evil guys, and talking to the cops. Yeah.

Like tbh im just running off with these ideas, that qna opens up a whole new discussion for the emmy x banks best friends agenda that i never thought of before. It also made me consider different types of aggression, like physical, emotional and thinking. And i feel like inner aggression (in spirit) would still dominate others. No matter how i see, i cannot see anyone being ranked above emory, damon and michael in terms of aggression. i feel like even kai ranks below them, because he can be neutral and passive sometimes. But thats the thing, theres no right or wrong or whos better or worse like emmy was better because shes dominant and banks was worse because she was submissive; theres just only the ranking, and it actually does open up to a deep dive of these characters' traits, and how they shape each others' dynamics. And if they really are family who fight for each other and cross anybody who comes after them, they were bound to trust each other with their temperament, strengths and weakneses sooner or later right? Rather than everybody doing whatever they want, the task divided by the the keader would be more efficiently done.

so what do you think of these? I dont rank will, rika and winter because i feel like theyre more on the submissive side. And i believe they fully enjoy their roles and have no priblem doing whatever works for the sake of their family. Not every one can and HAVE to be dominant, what one cant do, the others can. Thats what found family does right?

This ask is so exciting! Let’s get right into it. I’m going to save my ranking for the end, but I did have to spend some time thinking about it.

i never actually realised that emmy IS pretty aggressive and dominant? I dont think PD executed em's character well, but because of that qna, it made me zoom out of my understanding of DN and compare and contrast these characters, and surely, emmy really was pretty aggressive.

I’m not really sure why people started thinking about Emory as a smol shy bean, because she’s not passive in the least. In the past scenes, we met her when she’s quitting the swim team, and she says this is because she can no long wear the swim suit but she knows this is going to piss Martin off.

The thing is, she pisses Martin off on purpose on the regular as a way to rebel. She’s quiet about her abuse because she wants to remain close to her grandmother, and I’m not implying that she enjoys it by any means. Still, she knows Martin expects perfection from her, so she purposefully doesn’t brush her hair or iron her uniform. She lets the buttons fall off her cuffs. You can’t tell me Emory couldn’t figure out how to sew a button. She quits band, too. She does these things to intentionally irritate him.

She goes to her first period class; a senior class because they moved her up from the junior level because she wouldn’t shut up and stop challenging the teacher. Of course, there she doesn’t speak up much, but considering the subject matter, can we blame her? She still walks out without the teacher’s approval.

Emory likes showing off. She likes feeling like the smartest or most skilled person in the room. She thinks of herself that way, for the most part. Even when she gets to Blackchurch, and she doesn’t know anything about anyone there, she still thinks of herself as better simply because she’s not a criminal (which is funny for someone who previously watched a murdered happen, and helped bury a body, and vandalized a grave, and nearly committed grand theft auto, and so on, but the self-awareness is difficult when you’re in an unhealthy mental state). And despite being in a room full of criminals, she shows no hesitation in trying to best them because it’s what comes naturally to her.

I don’t think that PD told Emory’s story in the best way possible. However, a lot of what makes Emory who she is, is subtle and takes some digging and examining to understand. This could be said for all the characters, it’s just that I don’t like most of the characters enough to try to examine them this deeply. There is one bonus with PD not giving Emory a lot of attention – there’s less time to make her contradict herself as we see with Damon and Rika. As their characters get more and more light, some things make less and less sense.

Regardless, I agree with her that Emory is one of the most aggressive characters in terms of personality within the main crew.

We dont see her hesitating afterwards right? But then we dont see much of her overall. This also made me think thats why the train exchange between emmy, michael and kai had to happen. Or she will just leave again

At this point, I don’t think Emory had any plans of leave which is why she agreed to stay so easily. But it’s interesting that Michael said she was going to stay at St. Killian’s where they could watch her and she immediately refused that in a way that made it clear she would still be doing what she wanted.

Michael has to decide if it’ll be worth the effort it’ll take to exert his dominance over her, knowing she won’t go down easily. He backs off because it’s enough that she’s playing along.

I think he knows that he could overpower her if he wanted to. It’s just not worth the effort when she’s cooperating, which means he knows how much it would take to get her to do what he wanted. It’s an interesting dynamic.

In comparison to banks who is outwardly pretty aggressive, but in actuality, she is more of a good follower of damon, her mom, gabriel and even kai in that hideaway bonus than a good enforcer (like you mentioned) or a pioneer, i feel like emmy is more aggressive in spirit than banks, i guess? Naturally, not just because of survival

This is an excellent contrast.

Banks, in my opinion, is great at getting things done. She’s capable of calling the shots and making decisions. However, she’s also interested in maintaining the established order of things.

Maybe that’s why she wanted to be Senator, or was at least willing to go along with it. Coming into the group, there was already a dynamic at play. Michael was the leader, Kai his second, Rika his girl. She’s coming in under Kai and Damon. There’s a structure to the way the group works.

She isn’t afraid to call it how she sees it, which makes her useful to Michael. Kai is much to interested in keeping things agreeable. For instance, in the Hideaway deleted scene when he almost doesn’t tell Will why they’re meeting without him. He doesn’t want to alienate Will or make him feel bad for his behavior, even though his behavior has been pretty undesirable from a business standpoint. Banks doesn’t have that issue.

Still, she doesn’t want to disrupt the order, so she sticks to her role and doesn’t challenge it. Being a Senator gives her a space where she’s the one in control. It’s a different structure than what she’s walked into with the Horsemen.

In terms of how aggressive they are in getting their opinions across or getting their way, I do agree that Emory is more aggressive than Banks.

if push comes to shove, emmy would lead banks, not the other way around? Oh, wow? Or am i wrong? Like, do you get my vision, KO? It made sense right?

I think what we’re talking about is a battle of wills. Banks is straightforward, while Emory is more reserved, but both are loyal and value their relationships, so it could be that with each other they’d bend a little.

What you’re saying does make sense, but I think the way I’m interpreting it is that Emory, insisting on her idea and visions, gets her way if only because Banks doesn’t want to fight it. It’s not something she’s motivated to do, and she’s fine giving Emory the room to be the lead in their relationship.

because both banks and emmy can feel safe in their dynamics because they saw nothing wrong being either role, because! Theyre! Besties! And! Would! Kill! For! Each! Other! And put! Others! To! Jail! For! Each! Other! Omg? Noooo, like can you see the vision, KO?

I agree that there’s nothing insulting about they’re dynamics. I really do thing that they work because there’s nothing negative about the way they approach each other. They’d support each other undoubtingly, but give each other room to be themselves.

When they’re at they’re best, I think Banks is more subdued and accepting than Emory is. Like I said above, Banks is more outgoing and straightforward, but Emory’s opinions on things are stronger, so I think Banks would let her have her way.

However, if it did come to a point where they were on opposite sides of an issue, Emory would probably hold out longer than Banks. Unlike Michael, I don't think Banks would be able to subdue Emory if she wanted to. I also just don't think Banks would ever want to.

Additionally, regarding what you said at the start about my analysis of Damon and Emory’s relationship – I think if a difficult situation arose, Banks would seek out the others before acting, whereas Emory and Damon would know what needs to get done and silently do it without involving the others. They’re not going to wait for confirmation, or for the crew to debate, or wrestle with their conscience. They know what the hard decision is and they’ll make it without needing to discuss it. Banks could make the difficult choice too and be confident in it, she would just talk to the others first. That's the difference.

If DN is famous, AO3 writers enver written them as that powerful feme duo, frfr. Ngl, banks and emmy really reminds me of Tristan and Dante from the dark verse series by runyx, where enver is banks, and dante is emmy. Tristan is that dark, broody, killer and dante is the mediator and decider. Remind me of lana myers and jake enver, jake is emmy and lana is banks in terms of the do-er and the mastermind

Unfortunately, I don’t know any of these references. I mean, I know where they come from, but I haven’t read any of those so I can’t confirm. However, if someone else has thoughts you’re willing to share, please jump in.

This brings back to that MBTI test, emmy really does sound like an INTJ, haha! And banks, ESTJ? ISTJ?

Ah, yes the MBTI. I never heard back from the person who asked me to clarify, but I guess I’ll take the chance now.

When I started looking at my original answers, I was overcome with this feeling that Banks was an Extrovert. But that didn’t make any sense; Banks as an extrovert? So I started reading scenes with her exclusively, and I realized that… yeah, there’s a good chance for it.

What I did from there was go to MBTI-Notes, which is a blog here on tumblr, and instead of going directly to the types to see which one “fit”, I went through the functions and through process of elimination, narrowed down which function seemed to be expressed through the character’s POV chapters. From there, I built a stack that formed a type. I then went to the type to see if it worked.

Understandably, most worked… if you take into account the types when they’re in “grips” or “loops” (are we really surprised that all of the characters fall in the unhealthy range for their type). Anyway, being stuck in a grip or loop can change the way you’re personality presents outwardly.

Through this method, I determined Banks was an ESTJ, and here is the page for that. With Emory, I came to the conclusion she was INFJ.

But I encourage you to go through the functions and see what you come up with. There were definitely times I was on the fence for all the characters, so it’s up for interpretation.

Like tbh im just running off with these ideas, that qna opens up a whole new discussion for the emmy x banks best friends agenda that i never thought of before.

That’s really the reason why I continue to post these asks. It opens up the conversation, allows people to see a different interpretation and think about it. Maybe you agree, maybe you don’t. But it gets the conversation started.

No matter how i see, i cannot see anyone being ranked above emory, damon and michael in terms of aggression. i feel like even kai ranks below them, because he can be neutral and passive sometimes. - theres no right or wrong or whos better or worse like emmy was better because shes dominant and banks was worse because she was submissive; theres just only the ranking, and it actually does open up to a deep dive of these characters' traits, and how they shape each others' dynamics

Exactly! It’s only natural that people have different strengths and weaknesses. I love when it’s clear that a group works because they rely on each other and make up for each other’s lack, and no one is made to feel ashamed for it.

Anyway, my ranking of characters in terms of how aggressive their personality it:

These three take the top, as you said. The way that I see it, them wanting things they're way is a driving force in all they're stories. They’re competitive, and hate losing. In fact, I think they feel the pain of losing more than they feel the satisfaction of winning, and that's what drives them.

Damon

Michael

Emory

Damon comes first for obvious reasons, Michael comes second because he keeps Damon in line, and then Emory because while I don’t think she can control Damon, she won’t be steamrolled by him either. And that says something. And since these three can handle each other, we know anyone else is a breeze.

Banks because she’s upfront about it. Then comes Will because he can be aggressive when he’s pushed to it. But also the whole Blackchurch, faking being subdued while he was actually waiting for the moment to take control, which he was planning and preparing for… he’s not as submissive as he wants people to believe he is.

Banks

Will

Kai

Also, the moment in Emory’s house when he tells her that Martin needs to know about him, that he’s her man now? All Will wanted was to get Martin in the same room so he could stack his claim on Emory. There's something about that assertiveness that gives Will and duality the other's don't have. His in the middle of assertive and passive, but he knows what he's doing and he isn't ashamed of it.

Kai is sixth in line because he can be aggressive, but he likes to do it in secret. It's not something he utilizes, and I think in a situation where the others above him might become aggressive, he might still choose to take a passive approach for reasons only he knows (or perhaps doesn't).

Rika has more aggression than Winter, but she’ll bow to any one of the others if they were to go head-to-head. I think it’s probably clear that any battle she wins, is because the other person decided it wasn’t worth the fight.

Rika

Winter

Same for Winter but I think she knows that, where as Rika honestly believes she’s dominating at times.

This was an interesting topic and I hope there's more to come! Thank you!!

-ko

[gxhaode]

wait what does soobin mean when he tagged the guys and said "he knows" cos the guys dk soobin know rught

THANK U FOR FEEDING US BTW ILY RAAAHHHH

okok so remember when the shitshow first went down when y/n accidently replied to soobin using the stargirl account and yeonjun found out that soobin knew who stargirl was but wouldn’t tell him? jake terry and jungwon also knew soobin knew, they just didnt know who it was but either way they knew yeonjun wouldve had a big reaction to finding out😭😭😭 HOPE IT MAKES SENSE🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

[d00m3dh31r]

jade memory post bc why not

canon... adjacent? like, post retcon timeline, we made the new universe etc etc, but i remember things on earth c being different than whats shown (disclaimer: ive not read the epilogues nor homestuck 2 and i never intend to <3 ive seen at least some of what happens in those and im not interested <3)

when i ascended to godtier i got a tail in addition to the dog ears

i lived with karkat and dave. theyd been dating since some point on the meteor but after like a year or so of living together i came home and overheard them talking (bc karkat is not good at being quiet and i had sensitive doggy hearing) about an apparent mutual crush they both had on me (that i definitely reciprocated) and. all three of us ended up dating!

i dont remember the different kingdoms being like.. a huge *thing.* like there were places where humans were more prevalent, or trolls, or carapicians, etc etc but like. there was a good mix of different species everywhere

hal was on earth c! i think he made a backup of himself at some point before he got prototyped into arquiusprite? regardless, he wound up in my... custody? i guess? he either moved out of the shades altogether into one of my computers or dirk just. gave the hal-specific shades to me. they didnt talk to each other for a while and i think time away was good for the both of them.

hal and i became very close! karkat said we gave off "a lot of pale vibes" and we should just officially call ourselves moirails

i dont remember what prompted this joke but at one point i made a joke about "haltsune miku" and hal loved it and decided that was his full name now. and then he said since i was the one who came up with it i was his mom now. we never dropped this joke. i would always refer to him as my wonderful son and he would call me his mom (either of my boyfriends: *flirted w me bc we were DATING* | hal: can you please not hit on my mom it makes me uncomfortable.)

i eventually managed to convince dirk that we should make hal an actual body bc it wasnt fair that he was always stuck as something inanimate. so he jake and i worked really hard and made hal a cool robot body. hal continued to live with me dave and karkat

his robot body p much looked like how people often depict a.. humanized?? androidized?? hal. but he was shorter than me which was not true of either other strider

john/june came out as genderfluid! she'd use either john or june as a name depending on what suited her at the time.

[pwnyta]

LET LOOSE i wanna hear your thoughts on the writers!!

MAN FUCK THE WRITERS. (tl;dr tbh)

Not really I do like the stories over all but especially with their treatment of female characters on the show... I just wanna strangle them... just a little! Maybe a small dose of no oxygen will clear up their brain fog!

Besides Shannon dying right as she seemed to have made an epiphany that could have had her grow as a character, Nadia dying just as she and Sayid to be happy, Danielle dying without any fanfare, Naomi just getting executed without anyone really caring...

KATE was a good character when she wasnt egregiously forced into her Jack<-->Sawyer bullshit... and she was forced into that SO FUCKIN MUCH... I remember complaining to my therapist about it (cuz she also liked LOST)... Like when she was with Clair she could be the strong protector or she was with Sun and she was a good friend to Sun... or when she was with Cassidy and they were fun little criminals together... or with Sayid just off doing shit and judging bitches. LMAO Ya know... just Kate with the girlies.

But then she'd be like 'ooh Jake!' 'Oh Sawyer~' and it would just change so much depending on which dude was with her more... like which ever one was not paying her attention was the one she wanted.

AND IT WAS SO MUCH WORSE WITH JULIET JOINING IN. UGH I know Kate and Juliet became friends after but... *STRANGLE*

THEN CLAIRE!!! UGH!! Honestly I woulda been fine with Claires story if Kate wasnt stuck in that dogshit love triangle.. she was young sorta forced into a pregnancy without like any help cuz her boyfriend was an asshole... but her going darkside... coulda been fun but (like with Sayid) it just didnt have enough time to cook and wasted her screentime not really doing much. BOO.

Ana Lucia and Libby is a bit more... understandable & woulda been somewhat excusable had it not been for everything else. I think they (at least Libby) got written off because something with the actors? But... like they didnt need to have Ana Lucia fuck Sawyer before she died and then have no one really care too much after... like Libby got some care since she was connected to Hurley and we love Hurley...

But like Eko didnt get much with Ana Lucia after she died, Sayid didnt despite their weird tension... UGH.

Sun was the only female character I think had a mostly satisfying run. Good for... if anyone deserves it.

Charlotte died & I wasnt connected enough to Daniel to care that much, Nikki(WHO?) died and it was mostly a funny/dark joke, Danielle died and the only one who got to care was Alex who also died shortly after (at least have Sayid and/or Claire also care), Ana Lucia died and like no one cared except Eko who also dies shortly after (ghost Ana Lucia pops up so), Libby died...

Kate Juliet Sun Penny Libby Nikki Charlotte Shannon Rose etc are all pretty much entirely wrapped up in some dudes story... IDK its just kinda annoying..

Suns story was very good regardless and Penny wasnt on the island and she was still cool regardless BUT STILL.

Theres also the treatment of non-white characters that are super questionable. ESPECIALLY MICHAEL OMG... (THE FANDOM DOESNT GET A PASS WITH ME FOR MICHAEL EITHER JSYK! AINT NO WAY YOURE GOING TO TELL ME MICHAEL WAS ANNOYING AFTER, WHILE ON A BOAT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, A GROUP OF MEN KIDNAPPED HIS CHILD AT GUNPOINT. THE VITRIOL THAT MAN GETS FOR ACTING COMPLETELY REASONABLY IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES HE WAS IN GRINDS MY NERVES. AND ESPECIALLY HAVING LOCKE NOT BE A PART OF THE WALT GOING MISSING THING IS EGREGIOUS... BUT...we'll move on, im totally normal about it.)

But I mean it was the early 2000s whatre ya gonna do I guess...

Danielle and Kate I feel the most about cuz they were/could be so GOOD. SO JUICY.

(I also lament Ekos potential because he was so good... I really wish the actor stayed longer at least I get to watch him go crazy in OZ as Adebisi.... tho its not quite as pleasant...)

All this isnt even getting into the treatment of the (female/poc) actors...

ANYWAYS I LOVE LOST...

edit- I forgot to mention Ilana.... Which was also just horrendous. Why did she die like that... (admittedly I did laugh because it was just so sudden...)Whyd Jacob let that happen to her...(or more importantly the writers... wtf.)

[pesterloglog]

John Egbert, Jake English, Tavros Crocker

Candy, page 36

JOHN: dad?

JOHN: jake?

JOHN: what are you doing here?

JOHN: wh–

JOHN: HOW are you here?

JOHN: did something happen with jane?

JAKE: Oh nothing er happened exactly.

JAKE: Just thought we would pop in for a bit of r and r with an old pal isnt that right tav?

TAVROS: Cripes,,, sorry, uncle john,

TAVROS: I’ll replace it,,,

JOHN: it’s fine. that’s actually just a piece of garbage.

JOHN: aren’t you cold?

JAKE: I am in fact!

JAKE: These old duds...

JAKE: Well you see janey bought all my other clothes.

JAKE: She had a certain way she liked me kipped out and well, i didnt want to bring anything that belonged to her when i left. Nothing she er, might miss.

TAVROS: You took me,

TAVROS: And,,, you took you,

JAKE: Then i daresay i made the right choice not rustling the bushes in the making off with inanimate belongings department.

JAKE: Wouldnt want to give her any more reasons to get all retributive!

JAKE: Shes got a lot to worry about right now! Incredibly busy woman you know.

JOHN: okay, so, uh...

JOHN: i guess i’m just gonna move past the fact you’re 90% naked in my house.

JOHN: i’m not forgetting about it. we’ve got to address that at some point.

JOHN: but i guess we can put that on the backburner for now.

JOHN: are you trying to tell me that you left jane?

JAKE: Eh heh heh whew when you put it like that it sure sounds erm...

JAKE: Well i suppose that is what it looks like isnt it. Ha ha.

JAKE: What i did that is. Thats the thing thats looking like that. Hoo...

JOHN: so i guess this is the thing that’s currently happening now.

JOHN: what exactly do you want me to do?

JAKE: Well. I suppose i was hoping you might be willing to help me and wee tavvy out a bit here.

JOHN: help you out?

JOHN: that’s pretty funny.

JOHN: i remember trying to help you for years, and you never seemed that interested back then.

JAKE: Look here chap sometimes not everything is so simple!

JAKE: It isnt as if i couldve just walked out the door whenever i wished!

JOHN: i mean... yeah, you kind of could have.

JOHN: not now. but years and years ago.

JOHN: back before everything got so...

JAKE: Warlike and tempestuous?

JOHN: i was gonna say stupid, but yeah.

JAKE: Well its not as if janey got like this overnight.

JAKE: None of this happened overnight john!

JAKE: Its just like you go to take a dip in the water and everything starts out cool and fine...

JAKE: But then it just keeps getting hotter and hotter. Gradually. Degree by degree.

JAKE: So slowly that by the time the waters boiling you dont even realize youre being scalded alive!

JOHN: are you guys... i don’t know, hungry, or whatever?

JOHN: i think i have a frozen pizza.

JOHN: i’m sorry for being... i don’t know. a bitch.

JOHN: it’s just been kind of a rough forever.

JAKE: No offense taken chap! Whisky?

JAKE: As you may know im not in truth the biggest fan of the stuff but it gets the job done right quick eh.

JAKE: John.

JAKE: Do you think im a bad person?

JOHN: wait. what?

JAKE: Do you think ive ruined my whole entire life and all of my relationships and especially the most important relationship in ones life, the divine and unbreakable bond between a man and his son?

JOHN: haha.

JOHN: um.

JOHN: not sure if i’m the best person to talk to about this, considering i kind of did the same thing?

JOHN: but, no. i don’t really think that.

JOHN: it’s not as if anything that’s happened to you is your fault, like, existentially.

JOHN: or like, even non-existentially. i guess even in straightforward non-metatextual-jerkoff terms it’s also not your fault your wife was treating you like shit?

JOHN: it may be all my fault in both an existential and non-existential capacity, so i wouldn’t sweat it too much either way.

JAKE: Eh? What do you mean?

JOHN: i don’t think you’d really understand.

JOHN: all i’m saying is...

JOHN: you’re alright, i think.

JOHN: i think you’re doing the best you can.

JOHN: i don’t blame you for anything, jake.

JAKE: I wish i could tell you hearing that was a load off my mind john.

JAKE: The me of yesteryear probably would have drunk to your health and exclaimed, thats grand ole chap! Now im off to wrestle with a robot and engage in dalliances and whatnot!

JAKE: Except i would have been drinking flat cherry coke back then probably. Gran left an astounding amount of cherry coke behind when she died and it took forever to get through it all.

JOHN: that’s pretty gross.

JAKE: Different strokes for different folks i suppose!

JAKE: Anyway my point is...

JAKE: Maybe you should blame me?

JAKE: Maybe i need someone to blame me. For once.

JOHN: ...huh?

JAKE: I think im starting to realize that ive been going through life with the mindset that nothing has ever really been within my control.

JAKE: Maybe its been the people i surround myself with.

JAKE: Janey always seemed so sure of what was right and what she wanted!

JAKE: And one of those things was me.

JAKE: I dont think i ever really tried to challenge her. Not when it ever mattered.

JAKE: And before her there was dirk.

JAKE: Hoo boy. Dirk would have written me out an annotated schedule for every minute of my day if id asked him to.

JAKE: Or um, especially if i hadnt asked him to.

JAKE: Dirk... he...

JAKE: Ah maybe its best if we dont dwell too much on that...

JAKE: In a way i think i found all that comforting.

JAKE: Havent you ever wanted to let someone make the tough choices for you?

JOHN: maybe. yeah. i dunno.

JAKE: Im starting to think ive been a bit of a fool about it all though.

JAKE: Its easy to shrug it all off when its just your own life being jostled about.

JAKE: But this is all something i shouldve been thinking about when ole tavvy was born isnt it?

JAKE: Too little too late.

JAKE: Ive not done right by that boy at all.

JAKE: Even now all im doing is making excuses for myself. Phew!

JOHN: jake, i guess i actually don’t know you that well, but i think there’s a difference between making excuses and just giving reasons.

JOHN: there’s reasons for what you did, sure. and i guess you can think of it as an excuse, but that’s only if you don’t make the effort to start trying to fix yourself.

JOHN: and i mean... okay, look. you left. you’re doing it. you’re making it happen!

JOHN: you got your son out of there.

JOHN: better a decade late than never. i guess.

JAKE: You... youre right john!

JAKE: I did do that didnt i.

JAKE: Nobody swooped in through the window and rescued me.

JAKE: I did it myself! I finally stood up for whats right and im going to make way for a new and better me!

JAKE: I have my immortal life ahead of me. Theres no point in sitting around hating myself and regretting the past!

JOHN: i...

JOHN: thought it would be harder to convince you?

JAKE: Golly john, i–

JAKE: Gee willikers, do you hear that?

JAKE: John.

JOHN: yeah?

JAKE: Take my hand.

JOHN: what? why?

JAKE: Dance with me!

JOHN: oh, jesus christ.

JAKE: Im excited, john! I havent been excited in such a long time.

JAKE: Its just so great to be out on my own! Here with you after so long!

JAKE: You and me and tav, gosh were going to make such a team! Two crockers and an egbert!

JAKE: A cracking good comedy to be sure.

JAKE: Heck. Perhaps ill take back my good old name back! Who knows, maybe tav would want to be an english too!

JAKE: This place is a bit smaller than wee tavvy is used to but im sure well make do.

JOHN: you want to move in with me?

JAKE: Oh yes i suppose id ought run the plans by you first before letting my imagination run wild eh.

JAKE: Im sure i could find somewhere else to stay. But i must say i do feel much safer bringing tav up with family!

JOHN: sure. why the hell not.

JOHN: oof...

JAKE: Eh? What are you looking so glum for there chap?

JOHN: oh, you know. the usual.

JAKE: Do you need help getting up?

JOHN: nah.

JOHN: i’m cool down here, on the floor.

JAKE: You know john. Maybe wed ought embark upon this journey of self-betterment together!

JAKE: What do you say my boy?

JOHN: what...

JAKE: I got my tavvy out. Have you been thinking about making amends with roxy and such? Maybe give her the push she needs to get out herself?

JOHN: not really.

JAKE: And why in the hell not!!

JOHN: like i said, you wouldn’t really understand.

JOHN: i don’t think there’s really much of a point in me trying to talk to roxy.

JOHN: she’s not...

JAKE: Shes not what?

JAKE: You cant rightly go and blame the woman for all your troubles john.

JOHN: i’m not!

JOHN: i’m not blaming her at all.

JAKE: Then what ARE you saying johnnyboy?

JOHN: that even if i COULD talk to her and try to set things straight...

JOHN: why bother?

JOHN: she may not even be, like, real. strictly speaking.

JAKE: Eh?!

JOHN: like i said. you wouldn’t understand.

JOHN: trust me. it’s all a whole lot of crazy stuff.

JAKE: Youre right. That is an awfully crazy thing to say!

JAKE: Not real? Why i just saw roxy yesterday!

JOHN: ...

JAKE: Shes as solid and real a person as you or i john.

JAKE: Its hardly becoming of a man to say something so dismissive even if its tough to know what a lady is thinking from time to time.

JOHN: i’m not...

JOHN: ...

JAKE: Whats that now?

JOHN: i fucked up too bad, too long ago.

JOHN: it’s just too late to change anything now.

JAKE: So what?

JOHN: huh?

JAKE: So what if it doesnt change anything? Wont it matter to your family to see you care?

JAKE: Wont it make you feel better to try?

JAKE: To at least be able to say that when the chips were down, you gave it your honest all?

JOHN: ...

JAKE: And what about harry anderson? Do you really want to go the rest of your long life knowing you never tried to be the father your son needed?

JAKE: My word john. Are you... crying?

JOHN: haha...

JOHN: jake, do you have roxy’s number?

[carouseldreamdiary]

15.01.24

i had a terrible nightmare. i dreamt it was christmas and i was in my childhood home, for some reason in through the front door jake walked. except he looked different. his skin was somehow even more bright white like it was glowing and his hair was blonde

before i could even say or do anything, i noticed my father. i cant remember what he said to me but it was something disparraging about how i was spineless and a whore for letting jake back into my life. i knew he was on the verge of violence with jake too, so suddenly the dream shifted to a different house

at first the house was empty, and it was just me and jake. i dont remember what exactly we did or said but i felt he was being nice, we were just talking about mundane things. and he was very quiet and gentle with me. he was totally different. but in my head in the dream i was screaming that i didnt want to be here. i kept thinking about luca and how if this happened id be betraying him. but it was like my body was moving without me, i couldnt do anything.

eventually we ended up in this big upper area of the house, and there were lots of people there. it sort of looked like a party i went to in tetuán. it was a massive run down room with lots of people milling and dancing and lots of sofas hidden around corners. we were suddenly on the sofa and jake began fingering me. i wanted to cry. there were people all around and i felt humiliated and disgusting but i couldnt speak or do anything. he then began to fuck me. and i couldnt do anything either.

eventually he stopped, and he asked me to turn over. and i felt my heart stop because i knew he wanted to do anal. i think my brain finally overrode itself because everything in the dream shifted again.

now we were in the same room but it was covered in christmas decorations. lots of my friends and family were there, and people were giving gifts to eachother. suddenly it was jakes turn and he came over to me beaming smiling and he gave me a bunch of presents. i remember thinking "i dont have anything to give him because i wasnt prepared for this". when i opened the presents it was a bunch of random crap like little toy cars. and i think we joked with eachother about it, and everyone in the room got really quiet and was just staring at us angrily and with disgust. i knew it was because they all knew he was a terrible person, and were disgusted that i was with him again.

i think someone asked me why i was with him and i struggled to find an answer. i dont think i had one to give and they just looked at me with upset.

eventually i got tired of people looking at us, so we left the room and began to climb the building to the higher floors. on the highest floor there was a bunch of missing floor between the top of the stairs and the rest of the floor. the way to cross it was by stepping on this leather rung bridge and then pulling yourself up by some rope.

i began to walk across but by the time i got to the rope i noticed jake had started to cross too and i told him to please go back because the bridge would break and he obeyed. i started to pull myself up on the rope and i stopped and thought why am i even trying to do this i should just let go and die, and then i woke up

[intemperanceeee]

the almost apology

I started to write an email but then i wasnt sure if i wanted to send it. I'm going to test it out here and see how i feel about it.

Dear Mer,

I have had some time to process our last meeting. you know the one, where you insisted that we meet so that you could apologize to me for all of your behavior.

if you stop reading here: know this, i am so upset and disappointed by how that went. I know that you think it went okay, but it was not.

i feel worse than before, when we were in limbo and you hadnt spoken to me since the concert incident. you know the one, where you got so drunk that you couldnt function in the middle of the pit, and were carried out by EMS, but not before insisting that i come with you. Effectively getting me also kicked out of the concert as well. Remember that? do you? do you even know what you did? i'm not sure, because when we met for you to apologize, all i got was "i'm so sorry for putting you through that". I have no idea how you thought that was an acceptable apology. You need to articulate what you're apologizing for, and we both know there was a lot more that you needed to apologize for than just the concert incident. You have treated me like a doormat for years. You have used me, talked down to me, made me feel like i knew nothing, was nothing, and had nobody but you. Being your friend was traumatizing. It was co dependency. It was hard for me to exist without you. It still is. When i go out now, if i run into anyone, they ask where you are, and i have to battle with my brain on whether i tell them what happened or not. But either way, the mention of you nearly ruins my night. It sucks. I am constantly reminded of how we were basically joined at the hip for years. people equated you with me, we were one in the same. you were my person. and i was yours. sort of.

You met me at that park to apologize. Because jake told you to. Not because you thought of it yourself. You didnt even try anything before that to mend our friendship. It was like you didnt care, but i know that you care, you just shut down and left the situation the way it was. You assumed that if you did nothing, the problem would go away. You think that about everything. That's why you dip out at parties when you get too messed up, why you never apologize for anything, or acknowlege that other people have helped you when you were too messed up to finish your job, or get home. You just coast and assume that it will all work out without you having to do anything, and if it doesnt work out, then you ignore it until it goes away. You cant keep doing that with everything. i've seen you do this with everything else in your life and i never thought you would do it to me.

I told you that i wouldnt deal with you while you still drank. I said it was the final straw, i wrote you that letter and you signed it. You signed it in front of me and cried. You said you would try. You made it barely a week before you started drinking again RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. In case you forgot - it was when we went to the pumpkin carving party, and i went outside to take a call. I came back in and you had ordered a beer. That is when i decided that i was going to move out and buy my own place. And you were not welcome. Were you really so surprised that i was serious? Is that why you told people that i was abandoning you, that i was going to let you move in with me and rent out my spare room, or that i was going to find someone to live in my room while you stayed in yours? We never discussed any of those things, but you felt the need to tell everyone we knew about how i was the villain because i was dumping you like trash. That is unfair and you know it.

I was finally doing something good for myself, and you felt the need to make it about you. You literally gave me the "i'm so happy for you, truly, but i just feel so blindsided by this". As if i didnt tell you in NOVEMBER that you had until the end of March to find a new place. I made that so clear. I'm not in charge of understanding things for you. I moved out, i bought a place and you got an apartment by yourself. I tried to distance our friendship a little because i needed space. But i wanted to still be there for you. I just really needed to take care of myself and be serious about my move, considering it was a huge step in my relationship. I expected so much more from you, and i guess that was my fault for expecting too much from you, when you have time and time again shown me that you are incapable of doing more than that - because you are stuck being drunk and/or hungover 100% of the time.

You are paralyzed by alcohol and you always will be until you get completely sober. you cannot drink socially or "sometimes". you cannot regulate your intake. you cannot be a moderate drinker, or a normal drinker. Every day you continue drinking, you're killing yourself. you're also making your friends' lives hell. It sucks being around you when you drink. You are always a liability. Because when you walk into a room with the people who know you the most, and you start drinking, there's a silent agreement between the people in the room that one of us is going to have to take care of you or help you in the inevitable crisis. Now i know... you're going to say "i always get myself home, i'm always fine... blah blah blah" well to that i say: Bullshit. complete bullshit. yeah, you pour yourself into your own uber plenty of times, and you physically make it home. sure. but you also make EVERYONE worry about you when you do that. that's the best case scenario. the worst cases are the ones where you need help standing up, and someone has to physically carry you into your apartment. or when you let a random person you dont know bring you home and then something bad happens. or you lose your keys and you end up on somebody's couch. or when you lose both your phone and your keys when i'm out of town and you're supposed to be watching my dog. you know, all of these things that DO and HAVE happened when you drink. Things that wouldnt have happened if you werent 18 sheets to the wind every fucking night. You made me feel unsafe in my own home because of all of this. THAT is what i wanted apologies for. I wanted apologies for all of it.

You met me at that park and the only thing you could muster was "i'm so sorry" and when i asked "for what", you couldnt even come up ANY specific examples. You didnt prepare for this apology at all. I had this conversation in my head for months. I went through all of the scenarios on the things i wanted to say when you finally apologized. When i walked my dog, in that very same park, i had these conversations in my head countless times. I thought about how it would go, what i would say to you, what i thought you would say to me and my responses to that. You fell so short of my expectations and I am left just broken and disappointed. I cant imagine how you think our talk went well. you barely said "i'm sorry" and then you ranted about your scummy boyfriend for the rest of the time. I also want to note that i knew you had been drinking before our meeting. I'm also not sure that the coffee cup you were drinking from didnt have alcohol in it. I know you didnt quit. I know that day was your day off. And i know that your hands werent shaky, so you were drinking. I knew, and that's why i basically let you talk the whole time. I discovered years ago that you are not worth talking to when you're drinking. Nothing sticks, nothing stays on your brain like this, and you melt into an agreeable piece of shit that doesnt mean what she says and cannot tell the truth to save her life.

I do not accept your apology.

We are not okay.

Call me when you get sober.

Cristina