#and people were clowning that harry was possibly in the background

[larrylimericks]

14Jul24

England lost, but it’s no time for tears. It came Home when a photo appeared: The backs of two heads Who may share a bed, But have not shared a room in eight years.

[uptoolateart]

Hey, hey, hey - time for a Gabriel analysis!

So. After we learned that Gabriel Agreste wasn't his original name, my mind jumped to Andre Bourgeois, who also once had a different name. In keeping with the themes of the show, we are seeing that secret identities don't always come with masks and comic book names.

We had a hint of Gabriel's secret past in Psycomedian, when Harry visited and alluded to his Gabi days. How, oh how could the Gabriel Agreste we all know have ever been friends with someone like Harry Clown? This is only possible if he was once a different sort of person.

We had further clues in Gabriel's vision of the past, in the time burrow in Evolution - and in Emilie's video messages left for Nathalie, and the photographs of Gabriel, Emilie and Nathalie on some expedition, seen in Passion - and in Amelie's accusation that Gabriel has changed, in Emotion.

Adrien is also aware his father has changed with time, demonstrated when he tells Gabriel that Emilie once said they came from different backgrounds.

The photos shown in Revelation finally gave concrete evidence that Gabriel used to have an adventurous spirit and he used to smile. He was fun...but something changed...and I don't think it was just Emilie's death that caused the personality shift. Based on casual comments Adrien has made throughout the series, his father has been strange for years.

Gabriel tells Adrien that he and Kagami are 'of the same design' - and we know he means this literally. But taking it as a metaphor...for two seasons I've wondered what Emilie's parents were like. We can infer that she comes from a wealthy, 'important' family. Maybe Gabriel struggled to fit in and win the approval of his in-laws. Maybe he never felt good enough. When he tells Adrien things like, 'You're clinging to Marinette because her mediocrity lets you shine more,' perhaps someone once talked like that about him. With that kind of background, it would be unsurprising that he decided to try to forge a new identity.

And let's remember that Gabriel is a designer. His whole empire is founded on inventing personae. Even beyond the sentimonster aspect, he tells Marinette that he designed the image the world holds of his son. Everything is his invention. That speech in Pretension proved just how deep his God complex runs - he fully believes he has made the world in his image. Even the episode title - Pretension - smacks of the image he is presenting to the world in lieu of truth.

At this point, what we're seeing is a 'new money' stereotype - a self-made man who now spurns those who remind him of where he came from. It's one of the most shameful things about him. No matter how much fame and money you get...you can't forget your roots, people. Maybe that's easy for me to say because I'm not rich or famous. But I just can't imagine turning my back on my own origin story. It's what makes you who you are. Gabriel clearly didn't want to be that person anymore...and that's sad.

What's also fascinating is that, if we zoom in on those pictures Nathalie took in Revelation, we see that once upon a time, Gabriel - Gabi Grassette - was a punk. Let's take a moment to appreciate the spiked hair, makeup, leather jacket, ripped jeans, and dog collar - not to mention that smirk. And far from being ashamed of his work with Harry Clown as a human frites (who, by the way, reminds me so much of Mr Banana), he was smiling about it. Man, he loved it. Contrast that with Gabriel in Party Crasher - 'JOY.... What's going on in my HOUSE!?'

If it were at all possible for the old Gabi to meet Cat Noir, I can imagine him loving Cat's costume. On that note, I can't help but compare that dog collar with Cat's bell. I've said before that I see the bell as a symbol of Cat being domesticated and under control. Gabi probably saw his dog collar more as a rebellion, but maybe it too is a symbol of how he once felt controlled by someone.

The thing is...the punk movement was all about anti-establishment anti-authoritarianism. Today, Gabriel is the establishment he once rebelled against. It makes me think of John Lydon of the Sex Pistols turning Conservative and advertising butter. Musicians like Donovan - not a punk, but in a similar category, as a 1960s hippie - are rare for maintaining that same spirit all through their lives.

Gabriel is a 'sell-out'. He gave up that spirit and became someone unrecognisable. Those photos demonstrate that Emilie isn't the only body buried in a 'basement' in the Agreste mansion. There is a different person buried under the cold veneer that is Gabriel - a person Nathalie probably misses. I expect that's why she's stuck with him all this time, despite her better instincts. Something tells me Gabi would've made a better father.

The irony is that Adrien's moments of rebellion are probably one of the few things he has in common with his father, if we look far enough back in Gabriel's past. That, and their temper - and randomly breaking into eccentric dance and song. Gabi might have appreciated Adrien more for standing true to his principles. Maybe Adrien sometimes reminds Gabriel of himself and he can't stand it - can't stand thinking of what he's lost along the way.

I believe Gabriel exists in a perpetual state of regret. Part of him probably misses Gabi, too. After all, Gabi got Emilie. What has Gabriel got? Wealth, sure, but Emilie's dead, Adrien all but hates him, Nathalie's wasting away, and Gabriel himself has only weeks to live.

If you think about it, Gabriel's whole quest has been about getting a do-over. He wants a second chance with Emilie - a second chance for Nathalie - a second chance at his own life. He then tells Adrien that his greatest wish is to try to reconnect with him...because he knows he doesn't have much time left with his son. Even then, though, his selfishness prevails. (Psst, Gabi...you can't make up for years of terrible parenting with banana pancakes.)

Thinking of the snake miraculous, the second chance lets you know what's going to happen, enabling you to make better decisions the next time around. In other words: it's about learning from your mistakes. Gabriel never learns, and it is his refusal to accept destiny and his own human fallibility that is causing his disintegration.

The more Gabriel necrotises, the more we can see this as his 'sins' catching up with him. He doesn't seem to grasp that all the blackness devouring him is, in a way, the blackness of his own heart. Even if he erases the whole world, he can't erase his deeds. If he managed to get his Wish and bring Emilie back, she would be horrified. She'd wonder where her Gabi went.

Gabriel is proof that 'evolution' isn't always positive. He reinvented himself once, and now, because it didn't go the way he wanted, he's trying to reinvent things again. Tomoe also hints at a belief that the solution to her problems is to make the world anew - to get a second chance. Felix tries this, too, when he creates the red moon to wipe out all people except his select group.

But Felix does learn - Ladybug helps him see that even if you erase all the people causing you so much grief...you still have to deal with that pain. What Gabriel fails to see is that - like Cat Blanc on the roof, all alone without his lady - destroying your witnesses won't remove the witness in your own heart.

Even if Gabriel wiped everyone else's memory of his crimes, he would still know what he'd done. And when you cross those kinds of lines, you can never go back to who you once were.

Please no post-Revelation spoilers in the comments :)

[fanfic-lover-girl]

Do Draco Fans Really Love Draco?

I read a Quora post last year when I was still new to HP where the user did an AO3 fic analysis and pointed to the number of fanfics to prove how much Draco's fans love him and how overrated he is.

But I think all these fanfics prove how misunderstood Draco is as a character. You see all these fics where:

his parents are abusive

he was an angel all along and it's his parents' fault why he's mean

he becomes all hot and bothered like a fanboy for Harry as soon as Harry shows him some sort of decency

Draco is basically Ron but rich and blonde

he is basically male Ginny but rich and blonde

he simps for Hermione and thinks she is the most beautiful girl in the school (as if!)

his redemption fics have all his mean moments transplanted on another character (eg. Blaise, Theo, Vincent, Gregory or some random male OC) to make him look better

he acts all girly

he's a loner and no one understands him

he's self-conscious or has low self-esteem

he takes all the blame for his bad relationship with the trio like the golden trio were saints who never hurt him too and basically kisses their butts to repent

he's a mini Voldemort in training

he's a manwhore

befriending the golden trio is the only way for him to have a better life

befriending/dating someone in the golden trio is part of his redemption arc

he and Hermione are bestie study buddies

he and Harry use the sectumsempra scars as a romantic/sexual bonding moment

he renounces his pureblood supremacy beliefs faster than a Thanos snap

Astoria is the only reason he changed like he was not traumatized by an awful war

he can't fight or he's weak/pathetic etc...

Draco is not a poor misunderstood, abused baby or a demon child, baby Hitler. He's a normal boy who grew up with bigoted views. He has a loving family. He likes making impressions and being a class clown. He calls out Harry's show-off behaviour when no one else will. He tells things as it is when he calls out Hagrid for being an atrocious teacher and Hogwarts being a dumpster fire school. He likes girls and goes on to have a nice family. He repeatedly warns the golden trio about the approaching DEs and tells them to leave the area while being a complete jerk and laughing at the possibility of Hermione being attacked at the same time. He's not a wimp and can land blows in fights. He can be overly dramatic. He can be stoic in the face of humiliation/abuse. He's creative and artistic. He's a spoiled heir of a rich family who's confident and knows his worth. He's classist. He bit off more than he could chew when he became a DE. He has been group assaulted multiple times by his peers, more than what his rude behaviour deserved. He holds grudges against people who offend him. He seems to have good chemistry with his house. The golden trio accuse him of crimes we never see evidence of while being hypocrites and doing the same behaviour themselves (eg. Hermione accusing Draco of bullying first years as a prefect then she and Ron proceed to bully first years multiple times as prefects). He never truly shined because his author hated him.

I just want Draco content where he is portrayed fairly. Interesting fics without Drarry would be great too. Lord knows Drarry and Dramione are major culprits in this warping of poor Draco's character. Fanon Draco can be fun too but so many times it just feels like an OC with Draco's face on it.

I wish Draco could have more of the same kind of great self-actualization fics that Severus Snape has where he is allowed to be his best self without gay romance involved or where the romance is a background thing or where the golden trio are not involved. Just him vibing with other Slytherins and forgetting the golden trio even exists. I have enjoyed many amazing Draco fics but now that I have come to understand book!Draco more, a lot of them make me feel kind of unsatisfied and hollow now.

[miraculousares]

They aren't just friends, your honor. I'd like to present my evidence.

The nicknames.

Harry literally calls Gabriel "Sweetie" and "Gaby." That's... that's just... YA KNOW?

Also, not only does Harry call Gabriel such endearing nicknames, but Gabriel let's him without even a word of acknowledgement or distaste. We all know that he probably wouldn't even let Adrien, his own damn son, be so casual with him so the fact that he just let's Harry say these things as if they're just normal immediately says a lot about their prior relationship.

The costume.

Harry Clown mentions that this was his first costume for his shows, and based on how popular he seems to be now and that he's released at least one movie / recorded special before, Gabriel had to have designed this several years ago. This means that they've been good enough of friends for not only Harry to ask Gabriel about it but also for Gabriel to do it. Also, Gabriel seems to be so ashamed of having ever created the costume even though his Akuma outfits are usually far uglier than this French fry so the fact that he did just for Harry is so sweet and shows how much he cares about him.

The entrance.

While we didn't technically see the beginning of the interaction in Gabriel's office, it seems as if Harry just walked right in, unannounced. Harry's conversation with Marrinette was around 5pm, and based on the fact that his show began while there was still daylight outside, I can't imagine that it was too much later than that. This means that he just went straight over to the Agreste manor after talking to Marinette and it's hard to imagine him having called in advance. This means one of two things. Either A: he knocked on the front door and Gabriel stopped whatever he was doing to let him in and hang out or B: Harry just walked in without being let in and Gabriel just allowed it.

The dynamic.

I don't think I've ever seen Gabriel this patient or soft at any point in this show other than with Nathalie when she got the peacock miraculous. He's letting Harry simply rant excitedly over his movie ideas and dreams of touching people's hearts. He has such a strangely soft expression on his face as he watches and listens to this man and though it barely shows, the slight change in his expression and demeanor is noticeable as it breaks his usual cold, expressionless front.

He also seems used to it, as if this is something Harry does often. He dodges the paper effortlessly, which is hard to do so calmly unless you're completely in tune with someone. And again, his expression is so soft, it feels weird to see.

On top of that, Harry seems rather comfortable too! While most people are intimidated and anxious around Gabriel no matter how long they've known him, Harry simply walked into his office and started talking and ranting as if it were normal for him with a smile on his face.

The writers.

Finally, I find it very hard to believe that the writers didn't know what they were doing with this. It would have been so easy for them to simply have a purely professional relationship where Gabriel just designed his costumes or whatever without changing the plot or anything. Also, we know for a fact that the writers do pay a lot of attention to the fandom. They read our shitposts, they see our memes, they even read our fanfiction. They like to see our love for the show and what we think of it and they adapt to fit their audience. That also means that they know our ships, even outside of the love square. They know that a good portion of us are just queer rats looking for those background ships like Roseka and Marcthaniel. They know how easily we ship and yet still chose to write Harry and Gabriel this way. Yes, it's possible that they just thought it would be funny and didn't think too hard about it, but I don't know if I believe it.

I just, I can't see any realm of possibility that they are and always have been / wanted to be just friends.

While the chances of us getting any explicitly canon queer relationships in the show that can't just be excused as close friends are slim - none due to censorship, I really hope to see more of these two on-screen together in the future and maybe even some more of their flirting and romantic tension.

EDIT: I wrote this post right after watching the episode and barely looked at any posts about it so it wasn't until like 2 days after posting this that I realized Harry was an insert based of a real person but shhh I still like this ship

[cto10121]

Harry Potter Clown Takes—Part 4

Featuring more fandom myths, a Le Guin quote literally nobody asked for, Rowling’s ~surprising knowledge of what she has been literally writing, and fansplaining about how Actually, Dumbledore Being Gay is Homophobic If You Think About It.

“Marauders Mah Bbys!!!1!”

If Rowling were so opposed to depicting non-blood related families, then she wouldn’t have made the blood relations so abusive and have Harry be unofficially adopted by non-blood family. As it is, it’s one of the main themes of the series, which focuses a lot more on non-blood friendships and relationships. Even Sirius doesn’t really count as a blood relation.

That said, to give OP due, it’s clear Rowling depicted the Marauder generation as an inferior version of the new, more enlightened generation, with key parallels already picked up by fans, who ironically tend to love the Marauders more than the books themselves. Sirius was a father figure, so regardless he’d get the axe, but Remus’ character very visibly deteriorated as the series went on (unsurprisingly, though. Remus’ internalized self-hatred was well-established early on). His and Sirius’ friendship was not strong at all, with Sirius still more emotionally invested in his friendship with James. But that is all part of the growing up—shedding your illusions and the tendency to hero-worship people.

…So the other characters “bullied” Lupin into being with Tonks, eh?

“I’ve said all along you’re taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus,” said Mrs. Weasley over Fleur’s shoulder as she patted her on the back.

“I’m not being ridiculous,” said Lupin steadily. “Tonks deserves somebody young and whole.”

“But she wants you,” said Mr. Weasley, with a small smile. “And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so.” (624).

Monsters!!!

(But seriously, if anything Clown OP is the one who is condescending and patronizing towards Lupin. Absolutely nobody forced Lupin to be with Tonks, let alone marry her; it was his decision. No part of his union with her can be said to be toxic at all.)

“Retcon!1!!1”

Tom Riddle’s love potion-based sociopathy is a clear fandom myth. Rowling clearly stated that love potion conception was meant to be symbolic, not part of the HP universe, and that had Merope survived to raise her kid, Tom Riddle would have turned out quite normal. Or, well, capable of loving and knowing love, at least.

That said, to give OP’s due, there is a reason why this mythconception is so prevalent. Voldemort’s backstory is fascinating, no question—Rowling consistently shows her understanding of intergenerational poverty and the cycle of abuse. And yet despite the fact that his background alone would have been enough to drive him to seek power at all costs and corrupt him—loveless marriage, orphan, poor—Tom Riddle is very much sociopath-coded. It’s still better than the terrible Damien-from-The-Omen creep portrayal of the film version (at least the actor sold it well), but it does undermine the message of choice vs. abilities somewhat. It would have been just as psychologically true if Tom Riddle had been a driven, ruthless striver doing all he could to survive, and then to reach for power, charming and manipulating along the way. In his quest to immortality, he loses his humanity and thereafter descends into tyranny, abuse, and terrorism. There is definitely some hints of this in HP—compare the way Voldemort manipulates Slughorn with the way he manipulates Hepzibah Smith.

There is also the matter of a possible retcon. Voldemort states in CoS and GoF that his father left his mother when he found out she was a witch. In HBP we learn that his father was a love potion victim, and when Merope most likely stopped using the potion, his father left. Retcon or not? Occam’s Razor says Voldemort simply assumed it was his father at fault. But then there is the strange assertion: “He didn’t like magic, my father.” Is this another assumption, based on prejudice? Or did Voldemort, before he killed his father and grandparents, confront him directly? It’s possible Riddle Snr.’s trauma could have manifested as a hatred of magic, if he even realized himself that Merope was a genuine witch.

Well, this is awkward. I feel the exact same way about Le Guin’s own writing: “The Ones Who Turn Away from Omelas,” her most anthologized short story, and the first Wizard of Earthsea book—y’know, the one Harry Potter was accused of plagiarizing at one point along with other. I found it cold, emotionally distant, overly abstract, morally and ethically indifferent, with no life and zero substance. There was nothing in it that did anything remotely special to the Hero’s Journey template—except make the hero a shade of brown. #representation

By contrast, a great deal of Rowling’s writing in HP is quietly deconstructive, writing against the Bildungsroman core of assimilating to the status quo. The tension between the Hero’s Journey storyline and Rowling’s own purposes is probably what made the series such an unprecedented success and why it does deserve to be called original. Rowling managed to keep the charm of the fantasy by imbuing it with a sense of social and material reality—and at the same critiquing the conservative values underpinning that fantasy. It was the literary embodiment having your cake and eating it too. I grant that Le Guin may have been critiquing the first few HP books—but as it is, this is straight up writer envy.

“Surprising knowledge” lol, OP, you crack me up.

Occam’s Razor here, Rowling knew exactly what she was doing. Like Hermione’s distinctly white feminist activism, Slughorn’s middle-class soft bigotry is just one tiny but explicit example of the wizard’s overall dismissal of Muggles and Muggleborns, slowly built throughout the series. The revelation that Dumbledore himself once harbored anti-Muggle (or at least the liberal version of anti-Muggle sentiments) is the conclusion of that thematic arc. Rowling was writing a spectrum, not two poles. It is clear the Death Eaters are at the extreme end of the spectrum.

“Dumbledore Being Gay Is Actually Homophobic!!1!!”

In what world does Clown OP live that says teachers should divulge their personal life and sexual/romantic partners to their students?????

This isn’t the 2020s where US teachers info-dump their personal life unto the students or students even want them to. This was the 90s where nobody gave a fuck. Teachers were there to teach and students to learn from them. Some teachers were really likeable and warm and wise and personable and everyone liked them—and you still didn’t know jack shit about their personal lives except very accidentally. Maybe that they were married or single at most. Because it just wasn’t relevant to the subject. I know, because I was there.

In HP we never come to learn the personal life of the majority of Hogwarts teachers, much less their sexuality. Because it’s simply not relevant. Dumbledore’s backstory with Grindelwald does become very relevant to the Deathly Hallows, and so does his relationship for Grindelwald.

McGonagall got married once. She had an offscreen forbidden love affair with a Muggle and got all of (1) marriage proposal, which she turned down several times. None of that backstory was in the books proper, but in Pottermore. Harry had all of (1) kiss with Cho Chang and (1) on-page one with Ginny. Snape’s great love for Lily is revealed literally at the last quarter of the last book, the definition of last minute.

If anything, this series is priggish about sexuality and eroticism in general—this started, of course, as a series for middle school children. Where romance does occur, it’s almost always a fiasco, part of growing pains, and/or ends tragically for plot or character-related reasons: Harry/Cho, Cho/Cedric, Ron/Lavender, Hagrid/Maxime, Lupin/Tonks, James/Lily, unrequited Snape/Lily…if anything, you could conclude almost all straight couples in the HP world are doomed to fail or are tragically cut short, ha. Dumbledore/Grindelwald fits neatly into that general pattern.

Also. The fact that some people cannot accept Dumbledore’s offscreen forbidden gay romance as Word of God canon and yet easily accept McGonagall’s offscreen forbidden straight romance as Word of God canon is very telling to me. It’s almost like an aversion or something. You know, like a phobia.

[organic-guacamole]

showtime

episode 211 let's go

ok first of all, this is the second to last episode guys... I don't even wanna think about how much pain I'll be in after next week's episode

mr mazzara doing the recap-

this is so weird to me and I don't know why

WHY DIDN'T YALL JUST ASK BENJAMIN FOR HELP, THATS LITERALLY HIS THING

is Nini giving out the cards a callback to season 1 when Natalie Bagley said that Nini gave her a card or something on opening night of another musical?

STEPHY AS THE ENCHANTRESS OMG YES

Ricky in the crown gives me Harry styles in that photoshoot vibes

he's so pretty.

ok but why did we never see Ricky and Ashlyn interact before? it's been like 5 seconds and I already love how they bounce off each other and it's just so natural

OH THEY REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY UNDERSTUDIES-

well that explains a lot...

so Ricky fell on top of Ashlyn and all that broke for both of them was their wrist-

insert Jake Peralta *coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool no doubt no doubt no doubt*

of course howie was amazing as the beast, were we expecting anything less??

Ricky is so beautiful and I will not shut up about it....

let me enjoy this before the makeup crew slaps mud on his face.

Nini and Ricky talking to eachother? in a civil manner? wasn't she avoiding him just in the last episode? hm ok

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THEY CANT EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS JUST LIKE ME HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS, WHATS NEXT? THEY CUT EVERYONE OFF CUZ THEY CANT HANDLE EMOTIONS? ...ha

yes Kaden and Rico, my favourite east high boys 🥰

I mean....where's EJ?

THERE HE IS

EJ AND GINA IN THE BACKGROUND... doing something idek

KOURTNEY'S MOM IS BACK YAY

Howie is a shining star, ofc ofc

the smallest fOrk

can't wait to see the fork burst into song about how she deserves more than to be used to eat salad😌

the duster and the bluster.... ok😃

hi Gina!

hi- oh wow I didn't know Robbie Rotten was in this show!!!!!

the portwell look.

that my friends, is a married couple's look✋

GOSH EJ WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU

aww Gina's so excited for this

D word?

Die?

Delicious?

Dom Toretto?

"good, clean fun all alone with someone I dig...a lot"

sir that does not sound very clean to me

SEBLOS

Seb looks so cute standing there next to pope Carlos

DID THEYEY REALLY LIGHT ANTOINE ON FIRE-

I NEED TO SEE THAT

Seb's reading Carlos better than big red read the script in episode 102, this is great development after the "fight"

Kourtney really just made the best outfit for herself and let the rest of them suffer

the way Gina immediately goes to hold on to EJ after the announcement

"tonight we're going to put the U in UTAH"

...

"hey where are you from?"

"TAH"

SEB'S SINGULAR CLAP KILLED ME-

he's officially salt lake city's resident thanos

just wity clapping because for some reason I have a feeling he doesn't know how to snap his fingers...don't ask why

Ms Jenn do you mind encouraging your leads before the show? idk just an idea

pepto bismol product placement smhsmh

those flowers are bigger that big red himself-

*bops along to the opening theme*

that whistle at the end slaps everytime

WHY IS THE AUDIENCE SO MASSIVE

I guess they're all here to see Ms Jenn go on as a fork after Nini decides to *go her own way*

wow i am so funny

so they couldn't do many group scenes cuz of covid, but this 300 person crowd is cool? nice

OO THE VIOLIN GIRL FROM EPISODE 6 IS IN THE ORCHESTRA

HOWIEEEEEE

"Mr Caswell", he said, in the loudest voice possible while backstage at a show that's about to start.

Mazzara what are you trying to pull-

I usually like Benjamin but I don't like his tone

"iS yOuR wHoLe FaMiLy HeRe?" LIKE YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW THATS A SOFT SPOT FOR EJ

"we've had some good conversations these past few weeks"

right so what's going to happen after you graduate?

what does he think of you not going to Duke?

what did he say about you giving the sweatshirt that's been in the family for 3 generations to a girl you're not even dating?

good old Mr. M

therapist Mr. Mazzara, they all need it.

start with Ricky though.

"Michael Bowen"

dude why did you shave, now you look less like "hot lumberjack" and more "creep at the gas station"

OH-

does she not like Mike anymore?

why does it sound like jennzzara started dating and now they just sit back and talk smack about everyone in their freetime

break the fourth wall-

uhhhh im scared

why am I scared

he's scary

hehe flowers for Ricky, obviously for Ricky, ObViOuSLY

oh boy poor Michael

this man is in love, rip

why does Ms Jenn always look at people with her eyes open so wide

LILYYYY

I'm only excited because I really like the idea of lily and Ricky being friends, nothing more.

ha this guy's got jokes

a MOAT AROUND THE SCHOOL

wheeze

also he's very pretty.

"the wolves and very talented humans"

how dare he forget to mention the very talented wolves and normal humans, smh erasure

"being nice, what a concept" ted talk by Lily who still doesn't have a last name

did she just say lol out loud

same with the hug emoji last episode-

go touch some grass babes

the way he didn't say no, but said he didn't know how the east high kids would react-

not saying he does want to date her but that's an interesting thing to think about, also another thing to write an essay analysis on just to leave it in my drafts for a few months

awww lily genuinely trying to help him

sorry guys, I've been taken by the Lily charm (didn't know it existed until now but oh well)

REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I'LL NEVER SHIP PORTWELL?

just look at me now

the Lily wink I can't she's so cute-

HELP ME I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY LIL-

David Attenborough?

oh nvm it's Benjamin narrating the show in a really weird British accent for some reason.

STEPHY GOT MORE LINES YAY GOOD FOR HER

also is this to show that Nini doesn't care about being the star of the show anymore? the way she's supporting everyone else even though she's a fork?

I would pay for a special of the full musical ngl

OOO THE TRANSFORMATION WAS SMOOTH

shockingly

yo where did the makeup come from

man I wish I was a theatre kid

THIS IS STEPHY'S EPISODE NOW IDC✋

my girl is starring

"needs an X-factor"

Simon Cowbell creeps in

"it's a yes from me"

and them boom, he takes Nini and mistreats her horribly and then she comes back to theatre after deciding music isn't for her👍

"I thought she just hog-tied him?"

don't ask sebby, it's better if you don't know.

imagine they spotlight the wrong person and this dude is just some random person that likes writing down stuff during shows.

Ms Jenn just let them do what they rehearsed (at some point we never saw) or else this is gonna end horribly wrong

"help"

same Carlos, same

I love how seb is just his translator rn

I thought he said "great displeasure" instead of "greatest pleasure"....help?

big red coming out from throwing up to see his girlfriend star is the cutest thing in this show.

Ash and Gina dancing is so fun

I'm imagining them practicing at night at their home, watching the movie for the 100th time and making sure their one dance together is perfect

KOURTNEY YES

HOWIE IS IN LOVE AHHHH

I LOVE HOWIE SO MUCH

SEBBY

THIS SCENE HAS SO MUCH GOING ON I CAN'T KEEP UP

THIS IS SO GOOD

HOW???

no because I'm actually crying

I'm dead serious.

we need this musical released as a special

big red is so proud and I love to see it

Natalie: "if you do not by at least 20 dollars in concessions, you do not support art"

rando in the audience: "but I pay for ad free Spotify"

Mr Mazzara clapping in the distance

Gigi, the guy you like is talking to you, complimenting you and hyping you up

YOU LUCKY LITTLE FEATHER DUSTER

aw EJ teasing her about the chocolates in a way that doesn't make her feel bad? take notes Richard

JORDAN FISHER

there is no rest of the show idc Jordan is it for me

THE WIG CAP ON RICKY OMG

they look like they're high and having "deep" conversations on the floor

THE MEAN GIRL WITH THE EYES-

@sunshine-julie-molina YOU HEAR THAT

Natalie really just be coming for them all

Howie what is happening rn

I'm scared

"did you enjoy it"

"very much"

dude wants a kiss so bad

ASHLYN OMG

NO DON'T DO IT BECAUSE OF LILY, PUT YOUR OWN TWIST ON IT

I want a Jordan autograph please

just keep swim- oh pushing...

Gina is literally a giant next to him and I live for it

am I about to cry for the 3rd time in this episode?

yes.

Ricky's leg kicks under the table makes me so happy aw

the portwell glances will kill me.

ah yes, mashed potato snow

Mr. M.... I'm not a theatre kid but even I know you can't have your phone on backstage.

Howie please just do it

CHIP'S BIG LINE I CANT

I LITERALLY HAD TO PAUSE IT AMD SCREAM INTO MY MASK FOR A SOLID 2 MINUTES (I'm not at home rn) HES SO CUTE

oh ok bye Jordan

oo tea

NOT HIM BEING STARSTRUCK BECAUSE HE'S MEETING HIS FUTURE BROTHER IN LAW-

"we're all just glad Gigi has a big brother figure in her life"

excuse me for a few thousand hours while I laugh hysterically

THE CAMERA ZOOM ON EJS FACE AND EVERYTHING-

STOP EJ LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA CRY BUT I CAN'T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY WITH THE STAGE MAKE-UP

someone else said this already but I think it's hilarious that they had to bring in 2 guest characters to create some portwell angst

omg this really is Cici's episode, found family is their thing

elevator music lol

I'm gonna bet that big red took the harness for his surprise for Ashlyn without realising what it was

did Ms. Jenn just....tell her most mentally unstable student....to commit suicide....on a disney show...was that....I'm very....well....what the actual-

oh and there she goes running off instead of trying to make it right

oh wow Nini's the hero, she's gonna save the show 🤩

😐

the judge is doing a sudoku

honestly if I went to the hsm show as well, I'd come prepared for this one too

Lily why are you looking like that-

I WAS JUST STARTING TO LIKE YOU DON'T MESS THIS UP

wow ok, there goes that.

omg

what if Howie was acting weird because he knew what Lily did and wanted to tell Kourtbut Lily threatened him so he was scared to-

anyways see y'all clowns next week when we all simultaneously lose all motivation for the week without Fridays to look forward to.

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

💧 Fri 28 Feb 💜

The Falling video is here ft Harry (nearly but not quite) drowning in his feelings/water. Interpretations of the dreamy video center on the painful paradox of the music being both the source of his pain and its antidote. He's wearing what Vogue describes (at length) as a "lilac chiffon dress," looks beautiful and distressingly, impressively heartbroken, and the video is filled with little Easter eggs: references for example to the Hamille narrative and to Louis' videos.

The Sirius Secret Session happened in Brooklyn today, Harry showed up wearing the mutual respect handjob shirt but then changed into an outfit that was not un clown-like (heyyy are you making fun of us sir), played a five song set that did not include Falling cause like it's only the current single why would he play it during his promo for it I guess, waved a pride flag, a Bernie flag was present onstage, and he (asked for and) put on a pink 'princess' sash. His nails and his band's outfits were also lilac, like the gown in the video and some other things we've seen him in recently. During the interview segment he said that the Eroda fish and him are apart at the moment because he (the fish) is traveling a lot right now, ok!, and he dedicated Adore You to him and people are upset that someone in the audience yelled "womanizer" during the interview but it was in response to a question- what's the biggest misconception about you- and a very good answer to that indeed. Harry declined to provide his own answer to that question. He did talk about Wawa (a regional convenience store chain) more than once though, about his recent well publicized turkey sandwich and about one time walking in to one where Night Changes was playing and 6 girls were in back singing along and how he decided to maaaybe just wait in the car actually. Somewhere out there at least one of those girls is going to realize that was them and they were that close to meeting and freak out, I hope someone has a stan account and posts about it!

More of Niall's tour dates leaked, and then were released, along with an opening act- Maisie Peters. UK/ Europe and a few Latin America dates go on sale soon, pre sale code stress is in full swing, and Niall says more US and Asia dates are coming. And Heartbreak Weather Watch began!! The good news, fun videos of Niall cheesing it up like nobody's business as 60s American metrologist Niall Storm ("there's a storm a brewing somewhere and remember <thumps chest> it's not always outside") inviting us to "unlock the storm." Less good news, no one really understands what the hell is going on (possibly because the instructions are written in pale yellow on a pale blue background and everyone who tries to read them just succumbs to an instant headache.) For each of the next 14 days there will be location specific clues (related to actual local weather??) on social media and when people find and tweet them all the day's video is unlocked. There will be one video each day, each one corresponding to one of the tracks on the album (bonus tracks included to make 14.) Today's track: Still. There's a little video of him ("temperatures expected to drop... so hold on to your lover! and if you don't have a lover a good jacket'll do") and a few lyrics were revealed ('if honesty means telling the truth well I'm still in love with you.') Niall complained that the tag wasn't trending at number 1; maybe tomorrow I guess but only if people can figure out how to do the thing.

[harrysdimples]

folklore track by track review

the 1: love me a piano intro. oh this guitar?? swearing in the first 5 seconds? I like these lyrics. never bleed????????? hmm.................it would’ve been you.............I..............it would’ve been fun if you were the one.........bruv..........dare I say it...............am I just clowning.....or like.......................is she....ya know.......talking about........you know.......h****?? oh these vocals ! bruv I don’t care this is about harry because I say so afhdjssa. I really love this production and her vocals, it already sounds so much more mature than lover and it’s only the opener, feels like a more-mature version of a deep cut on red. excellent start!

cardigan: oh this percussion?? the piano?? her voice sounds fab. is this about the met? black lipstick? or bleachella? her VOCALS bruv sound 10x better than anything on lover?? I love these lyrics omg. THIS IS SO GOOD. HEARTBEAT ON THE HIGH LINE ONCE IN TWENTY LIFETIMES. this so good?? try to change the ending peter losing wendy?? leaving like a father running like water????? I love this so much omg. the atmospheric vocal...the percussion....the lyrics.....the piano......LAV IT. I can’t get over how already this is more lyrically dense than lover and reputation but I ain’t complaining!! I’m both surprised and not surprised that they went with this for the single from this era but I really like it, it feels like it would fit right at home in the NFR tracklist.

the last great american dynasty: love these strings?? omg the beat? is this political? hmm I like the lyrics of the verses but i’m not 100% feeling the lyrics/structure of the chorus, feels a little like she’s trying to fit too many words into the line, but I love the storytelling aspect of it and it’ll probably grow on me. it’s like a grown-up version of starlight or the lucky one. Is this supposed to be like an alternate version of what taylor’s life could’ve been like? or am I just completely misinterpreting that lmao?

exile ft. bon iver: like this piano intro. love bon iver. oh the birds in the background?? ooft these lyrics....brutal. is this about calvin? is that a kazoo? afjdshjsa I promise i’m not trying to be like this but like......this is very......hm. I really love his voice. the bridge is really pretty with both their voices. I can see myself staring dramatically outside the window listening to this when we’re allowed to properly go back outside lmao. very nice and pretty, it’ll probably hit harder later on than my first listen but I like it. 

my tears ricochet: this a-cappella intro? oh this is sad :( what a ghostly scene....................................I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace :( oh this buildup?? I still talk to you........omg these atmospheric vocals I. LOVE. I need to read the lyrics on my next few listens to this but I really like it so far.

mirrorball: this feels like the outro in a coming of age 80s movie. love the soft guitars. oh these vocals! I know she didn’t mean to but when she signs tallest it sounds like she’s saying toilet to me lmao. jack’s atmospheric vocals!!! yes!!! the bridge is really beautiful. all I do is try, try, try. I’m just trying to get you to look at me :( I do have to say, while I love how lyrically dense this album is and reflective it is in comparison to her last few albums, the instrumentation doesn’t change a whole lot throughout these songs on first listen, it’s more that atmospheric vocals/sounds are built on top of it, which is fine, but I think they’ll benefit a lot from me listening to them outside the context of the album. love the meaning behind this though and I think it’s really beautiful.

seven: (this is when I stopped doing live reactions and instead went for post track reactions) Is it weird to say that this did better at the “love letter to love” concept meant for lover than lover did? this song feels more like for her legacy/future family and how she’s grown than as an active, present moment which is nice. I will say while I did love NFR when it came out, it also hit a wall with me eventually where it needed some breathing space or something to break up the sections of the album (which harry does actually quite well) and I feel like we’re hitting that point (if we haven’t already). I’m always slightly apprehensive about long albums like this which is why I said this will benefit from listening outside the context of the album. 

august: I’m really curious as to who this is about lmao. but this was excellent in the progression of the track and the buildup/atmosphere and dynamics of the track, this was what I was wanting a bit more with songs like exile and it did great at building a different sonic landscape which is what was needed in the album imo. one of my favourite tracks so far.

this is me trying: this is very...wistful and reflective. a hybrid of the archer and I wish you would to me. “I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere, Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here” is a LYRIC bruv. feels reminiscent of what she said in the miss americana documentary about how you’re stunted in your growth when you become famous at a young age and you fall behind the emotional development of most people around you, which is really interesting. “Pouring out my heart to a stranger, But I didn't pour the whiskey” is that supposed to be like a metaphor for stopping herself from saying too much all the time because she knows it could get out/be perceived in a certain way? either way, these are some great lyrics. “you're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town” hmmm.....

illicit affairs: I LOVE THIS. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. I have nothing else to add. this is fantastic. favourite track so far. amazing. 10/10.

invisible string: this song is really sweet lol I wish I was in love with someone to relate more to this. very referential to her work as a whole and I liked the more stripped down production.

man this is a long album lol

mad woman: FUCK YOU FOREVER. scream. this is very lana-fied lmao. I wish she did a little more with the electric guitar in the back though, imagine this more being soft-rock? so this is definitely about scott and scooter right? I do like this but it does feel very sonically similar to some of the tracks we’ve heard so far and I wish she had switched it up a little to fit the excellent lyricism of this song, more guitar would’ve really elevated the song imo. 

epiphany: lol I got a bit emotional listening to this, I can already tell i’m going to listen to this at night and cry lmao. I have a massive fear of death/the unknown and this song sort of touched on that concept to me and I really liked the production. this feels like it should be in a movie soundtrack or in like, grey’s anatomy. the heartbeat-like sound in the outro? beautiful. this is the sort of concepts I’ve been wanting from taylor for a while now and the execution of this was really good imo. 

betty: ms swift it’s okay to be gay. the elaborate-ness of putting yourself in the position of a man just to say you liked a girl. how are the kaylors/gaylors holding out lmao this is a nice story (like an upgraded version of ybwm) but I can’t get over how effectively no-homo this is lmao. the key change? love story wishes. oh the wistfullness to be young......and in looooOOOOoooOOove.

peace: love the guitar in the intro. this gives me another more grown up perspective of a song on melodrama? I love her vocals in this. I feel like i’ve said this about 40 times already but the atmospheric sounds....chef’s kiss. 

hoax: the closer. the LYRICISM bitch. “your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in” shut up :( the bridge is gorgeous. I’m not sure how I feel about it as the closer though, it ties up the themes of the album pretty well but I almost feel peace would’ve been a better closer? still really gorgeous though.

okay. overall thoughts. top 3 albums of taylor’s discography for me along with 1989 and red. It did feel long towards the end though and I still think her problem is editing and streamlining her projects which is why I think 1989 (as her best album for that) and red (while being longer than this has enough songs to break up the album so it’s not monotonous for the listener) rank above this for me at the moment, but that could change. If I were her, I would’ve taken out invisible string and possibly betty and seven to have as deluxe tracks. her lyricism is better on this album than both reputation and lover combined, she really did that in like 4 months. I will need more time with it as I always do with taylor’s projects but it was the album she needed in my opinion. I think part of the reason I disliked lover and to a lesser extent, reputation, was because they didn’t come across as if she needed to write them like her other projects, but more projects she felt she should to write because that was where the narrative of her public image was forcing her to go, this feels like a return to form, even if I would tweak a few things. the visuals for this album have all been great (her best album cover after 1989 imo) and I think it benefitted a lot from going into it with next to no expectations, without a single or anything and I hope she continues to just do whatever, rather than painstakingly plan marketing surrounding an album and just allow her talent to speak for itself. really good. favourite tracks are probably: illicit affairs, the 1, cardigan, epiphany and mirrorball. least favourite are probably: invisible string, seven and maybe betty too. i’d rate it about 8/10 at the moment. also: ****** never dies.

[collaborationandresearchproposal]

Wednesday 5th, Research proposal: First Draft

Title

Evil Kweens: A Queer Look At The History Of Villains And Monsters In Animation And Film

 Report type

Extended essay

 Proposed table of contents

 The Hays Code

 -       Guidelines are technically voluntary, in practice the major Hollywood audios used the Hays Code guidelines as convince the means of staving off pressure groups

 -       Directly influenced the content of almost every American film made between 1930 and 1966

 Queer-coding and Queer-baiting with focus on Disney and modern media

 -       both are issues for the LGBTQIA+ community as they seek to capitalize on these marginalized groups

 -       Queer-baiting: portraying an obviously queer relationships with the use of cues and subtext without acknowledging it or perhaps even gas lighting it.

 -       Queer-coding: writing a character with queer stereotypes as a form of representation without explicitly acknowledging that the character is queer.

Queer-coding isn’t always bad. It’s all about the creators’ intentions.

Queer-baiting however is pretty much always harmful.

-       Disney villains

 Lycanthropy and other monstrous subtext/ parallels. Allegory or myth?

-       talk about werewolf’s (Teen Wolf, Harry Potter, Buffy)

-       Frankenstein (Mary Shelly, Rocky Horror Picture Show,

 Question

 Is representation of LGBT individuals in animation and other forms of entertaining media good for the community or just a way for corporate big wigs to swindle money from hopeful queer people who would pay to see at least one shred of a character who is like them?

 Limitations

-       it may be hard for me to stay objective given that I’m in the LGBT community myself

 -       risk of outdated sources and temporal context problems. A project of its time will certainly play a part but more importantly the LGBT community is quite fickle it changes a lot as new identities and constructs get introduced so it may be hard to find a viable source.

 Background

The Hays code was published in 1930 and was based on three general principles:

 -       no picture shall be produced that will lower the moral standards of those who see it. Hence the sympathy of the audience should never be thrown to the side of crime, wrongdoing, evil or sin.

 -       correct standards of life, subject only to the requirements of drama entertainment, shall be presented.

 -       Law, natural or human, shall not be included, nor shall sympathy be created for its violation.

 These were developed in a series of rules grouped under the self-explanatory headings Crimes Against The Law, Sex, Vulgarity, Obscenity, Profanity, Costume Dances (I.e. suggestive movements), Religion, Locations (I.e. the bedroom) National Feelings, Titles and Repellent Subjects''  (extremely graphic violence)

 Typical features of queer- coded characters

 -       high cheekbones

 -       thin bodies

 -       feminine beauty

 -       dramatic of voice and actions

 -       male characters may talk or sing in falsetto or have camp ness to their voice and a female character will most likely have a deeper voice (Maleficent, Evil Queen, Ursula- who is actually based on a drag queen)

 -       these characters may also drag out their words and walk about at though slinking (Scar, the Lion King)

 Examples or queer-baiting

-       Myka Bearing and H.G. Wells (Warehouse13, SYFY)

Warehouse13 took a hit in ratings after its fourth season, meaning its fifth only had 6 episodes. It seemed to queer fans in particular that Myka and HG had a blossoming romance. It was even confirmed in the last episode that HG is indeed Bisexual but also in the last episode, Myka ends up with series long partner who at many points has been akin to the brother she never had. Their relationship was definitely flirtatious and I'm not saying that closing out the electric romantic arc between them would have saved the show, it was cancelled anyway, but It would have been nice since the interactions that HG and Myka had were actually what pushed fans to secure the final season. However you can’t be too mad as the show does have probably one of the best portrayals of a gay character on tv.

 -       Sherlock and John Watson ( Sherlock, BBC)

 -       Captain America and Bucky Barnes (MCU)

 -       Spock and Kirk ( Star Trek, NBC)

 -       Emma and Regina (Ounce Upon A Time, ABC)

 -       Stiles and Derek ‘Sterek’ (Teen Wolf, MTV)

 -       Merlin and Arthur ‘Merthur’ (Merlin, BBC)

 -       Dean and Castiel (Supernatural, ABC)

 Lycanthropy

-       seems to be synonymous with the homosexuality- parallels between teen Wolf and Buffy the vampire slayer’s respective coming out scenes

 -       the Queer-ness of Professor Lupin from the Harry Potter Franchise- J.K Rowling has admitted that Lupin’s Lycanthropy is a metaphor for AIDS/ HIV but has further dismissed fans’ theories that Lupin is Queer.

 -       Homophobia and HIV- homophobia acts as a major barrier to ending the AIDS crisis and at the beginning of the AIDS epidemic, gay men were so my led out to receive abuse as many believed they were responsible for transmitting the disease.

 Overall aims

 -       explore the impact of queer-baiting on queer communities

 -       investigate true intentions behind the Hays Code

 -       Make people aware of what’s good representation and what’s bad representation.

 Research methods

 I plan to use relevant books and articles. I will also be looking to Disney films from the Disney renaissance era and looking into monster stories such as the Wolfman and Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein's Monster, paying close attention to subtext and possible parallels as well as comparing them with more modern sources such as Harry Potter and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

 These are appropriate methods of research because they will allow me to get others’ perspectives on the topic and allow me to analyze the villains and monsters in detail and give me visual material to talk about deeply.

 Potential outcomes

 -       The research will be helpful for me because it will allow me to increase my awareness on a subject that I am already passionate about and interested in.

 -       in a wider context this may help more people to understand the meaning and history behind the characteristics of their favorite villain and any possible subtext that may be lurking beneath them.

 -       educate those that are unaware or the issues queer-baiting and queer-coding pose.

 Timeline

Bibliography

Brooke, M. The Hays Code the moral code that governed mid-20th  century American filmmaking. Available at http://www.screenonline.org.uk/film/id/592022/ (Accessed: 16 March 2021)

 Cheng, Z. (2020) Queer-Baiting: What Is It and Why Is It Harmful to The LGBT Community?

Available at:https://hypebae.com/2020/6/queer-baiting-what-is-it-why-harmful-lgbtq-community-tv-shows (Accessed: 16 March 2021)

 Elliott, J. (2016) Becoming the Monster: Queer Monstrosity and the Reclemation of the Warewolf in Slash Fandom. Dissertation. University of Florida. Available at: file:///C:/Users/me202/Downloads/Becoming_The_Monster_Queer_Monstrosity_a.pdf (Accessed 16 March 2021)

 Ennis, T. (2020) The Strange, Difficult History of Queer Coding.Available at: https://www.syfy.com/syfywire/the-strange-difficult-history-of-queer-coding (Accessed: 16 March 2021)

  Hays, H, W. (1931) Online. United States: Production Code Administration, Appendix 1

  Hutton, Z. (2018) Queering The Clown Prince of Crime: A Look at Queer Stereyotypes as Signifiers In DC Comics’ “The Joker” FIU Electonic Theses and Dissertations. 3702. Availale at https://digitalcommons.fiu.edu/etd/3702/ (Accessed: 16 March 2021)

 McLeod, Dion, S. (2016) Unmaksing the Quillan: Queerness and Villiany in Animated Disney Films. Doctor of Philosophy thesis, School of the Arts, English and Media, University of Wollongong. Available at: https://ro.uow.edu.au/theses/4802/ (Accessed 16 March 2021)

 Smith, M. (2015) Making Things Perfectly Queer: Art’s Use Of Craft To Signify LGBT Identities.The University of Brighton. Available at: https://cris.brighton.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/4754843/Complete+E+Dissertation+Jan+2016.pdf  (Accessed: 16 March 2021)

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

If you have sent me an Ask in the last thirty-six hours or so, This post is for you.

I was almost entirely done with answering all your beloved messages, when Tumblr decided to crash. Lost all the paragraphs of my rambling (which is why I’m no longer taking chances and am typing this on Google Docs) and even worse, the Asks seem to have been eaten by Tumblr’s great void. They’re gone, and nothing I’ve tried seems to work to get them back. Thankfully, I’m fresh off of responding, so I’ll try to summarize with one big epic post. Apologies for the inconvenience and unusual style, blame the Tumblr Overlords. 

WARNING: If you don’t read the data-mines and don’t want spoilers, do not go beyond this point. This mainly concerns The Quidditch Cup. 

There were a couple of Asks about Ismelda, someone talked about the head-canon that she’s secretly blonde and dyes her hair. Which I agree with, and really like. It would tie in to how Ismelda saw Penny as being no different from her sister. It would be a sign of her trying to spite her parents and distance herself from her family, to the point of even looking like them. I also think it would echo with Beatrice and how she changed her look to reinvent herself and be less of a “Mini Penny.” Another message was talking about her parents, wondering why they would ever visit her at Hogwarts given how they were portrayed. After all, they’re not about to be the next Ethan Parkin, are they? Not going to turn around and be well-meaning, but oblivious. I think it’s far more likely that they would visit her sister at Hogwarts, and it would be pure chance that Ismelda was there at the same time - if there was indeed any overlap where both sisters were at school. But that’s the real question of the hour - just what is the sister like? After all, it’s not her fault that she’s the favorite, right? Newt Scamander was estranged from his brother, who was engaged to his ex-girlfriend. From that description alone, we might think he was awful, but he wasn’t. Theseus was genuinely caring, he just didn’t know how to connect with Newt. We might have a similar situation on our hands here. Or, who knows, the sister might be the “Dudley” to Ismelda’s “Harry.” She was compared to both Emily and Penny, if memory serves. But until such a time that we meet her, we have no way of knowing who she’s really more like. Psst, Jam City, you getting this down? This would be a great TLSQ, to have Ismelda come face to face with her sister. Could perhaps end with, oh I dunno, befriending her? Just a thought…

I saw another Ask talking about how Beatrice would go back and forth between MC and Jae during their detention and how adorable it was to see her all flustered and excited, how it looked like she was gushing to MC “He’s so dreamy” and things of the like. It’s making me wish they would come back to this sub-plot because it’s funny as hell and a good way, again, to tie in Ismelda. She also fancied someone she had no chance with, she was also jealous of another person. (Chiara might not actually have a thing with Jae, but if memory serves, Beatrice is shown to be jealous of them talking anyway.) 

There was an Ask that talked about punching Barnaby’s father in the face. Or at least, the idea of doing so. But regrettably, he is in Azkaban and it cannot be done. Well, maybe not by MC, but someone who was already there could do it. New head-canon, Sirius decked him on his way out. It happened, I don’t make the rules.

@guppygirl I read the first chapter of your fic! Do you know what you’ve done to me, do you know how many feelz it gave me to see Rowan alive and well and acting so sweet? You nailed their character and I love the inclusion of their parents! Maya’s reactions make just want to give her a hug. Everyone should check out the fanfic on her page, seriously!

I believe there was an Ask lamenting that the Festival TLSQ didn’t come out this week, and believe me friend, I’m right there clowning with you. It seems like every week now, we think, “Okay, this time it will come out, they can’t delay it anymore.” And we’re always wrong. Here I am just starting to worry that my far-fetched theory about them shelving it until next year because it’s no longer “seasonal” isn’t so far-fetched after all…

But the vast majority of messages that were lost were, as I’m sure you can guess, about the data-mined House Cup for Season 2. I wrote a lot about it and I do indeed have some thoughts and feelings. 

Before I get into anything else, can I just say...that first scene with Ethan where he meets MC. I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever dislike Skye. All it ever takes is one vulnerable moment to erase any doubts and have me back in her corner. And you cannot tell me that Ethan knowing everything about MC because “Isn’t this the best mate you always talk about?” Didn’t melt your heart or at least give you feelz. Think back to how hurt Skye was when MC befriended Rath - to the point of snapping a broomstick in half. This is just proof of what I’ve been saying. She has no social skills and hardly any friends. Of course she sees MC as her bestie. The poor thing, oh my god, it’s adorable...

Ethan Parkin….I’m not a fan, even now. As I heard, he’s not as bad as we all feared he would be. He definitely has his moments. Still...he’s still pretty annoying. Ethan is basically a less obnoxious version of Lockhart, who actually has the talent to back it up. But I didn’t like how he involved himself in the practice and took over deciding who should be leader. Seriously, if he knows the game this well then he should know we already have a leader assigned. That’s what a Captain is. He was quite rude to Orion and while his pressuring Skye might have been inadvertent, it was still his fault. He’s also an extremely violent Quidditch player, which I’m not a fan of (Although apparently Penny is? The fuck?) I get that he would never cross the line into cheating, but I’m not impressed by how he lied. Didn’t give his team credit. And seriously...is cheating morally inferior to harming another player in a “legal” way? I guess it’s just a Quidditch culture thing, but I’m not here for it. 

Orion’s reaction to Ethan, though? God I loved it. He took everything completely in stride, had the maturity to say that no, he was happy to learn from a Quidditch master. His concern wasn’t about his ego, it was about Skye’s feelings. Because once again, he’s the only one with the empathy to realize what she might be going through. Orion’s response was measured and thoughtful and god, I love him so much. Side note: Were they seriously debating whether or not keeping Ethan around to learn his mystery move was worth it, even if it was stressing Skye out? My dudes, this is the exact same mistake you made during the Rath TLSQ. Involving someone who doesn’t need to be involved, just for the sake of a potential advantage in a meaningless sports game, regardless of how much it will hurt someone who is supposed to be our friend. Screw that. 

Folks were talking about Erika Rath. Someone brought up how hilarious it was in a previous chapter to see Andre actually tell her to be quiet, and for her to do so. And yeah, I agree. It’s a testament to how close their friendship must really be (Sorry, Depressed Erika Anon) I mean, most people wouldn’t dare say that to her. And I don’t think she’d have such a calm and passive reaction to just anyone. It’s unconventional, but their relationship is a sweet one. Overall, they’re involving Rath more and I’m quite glad of it. Seeing her proud of MC is heartwarming. Seeing her become more of a main character is great - I mean, she is one of the main four, after all. Face Paint Kid is a background character, as much as I love him. Penny is only here to develop Skye, and Andre is only here to develop Rath. There was also an interesting comparison made between her and Ethan, about how they both play pretty violently. Still not a fan of this. Maybe that’s one of the reasons that I’m mostly indifferent to Rath. But I’m coming around on her. 

This was a lovely place to cap off Skye’s character arc. Seeing MC stand up to Ethan (although I wish you could be firm without having to say that stupid “You’re off the team, Parkin!” line) was especially cathartic, and it’s clear that Skye appreciates it. She’s happier by the end, and has actually communicated with her father. I would sincerely like it if Season 3 focused on, say, Murphy a little more. He hasn’t gotten any development since the first half of Season 1. Even Orion got some development in this TLSQ. But...make no mistake, we’re not done hearing about Skye. I know that no one wants to hear this, but...they slipped in that line about her wishing she could play Rath. She still hates her. That hasn’t been resolved. Oh well, at least it’s an opportunity to further flesh out Rath. There’s also the possibility that, if they do give focus to Orion, it might be that Season 3 is his last hurrah. I hope he stays for the entire story, but even if they don’t want to confirm character ages...he could very well graduate. If he does, there’s going to be a story-line about choosing his successor. And again, I know that nobody wants to see this happen, but...the only candidates who matter in the story are MC and Skye. So they could be pitted against each other again. But I hope that won’t happen.

Curse you, Tumblr. Oh well, it should be safe to send in Asks again because I’m quite literally going to copy them onto a Google Doc from now on just to be safe. If I missed out on one that you sent in, please feel free to let me know or re-send it. I’ve also seen people taking screenshots of their Asks and then responding to the picture instead of just responding outright. Might do that too...thank you for your patience, this has been a doozy. 

[chiseler]

Unfunnymen

Sooner or later one has to face El Brendel, in the same way that sooner or later one has to face death.

But by way of working up to the grim task gently, let's start with Joe E. Brown. This vaudevillian, graced with an unnaturally wide mouth, which seemed on the verge of separating cranium from lower jaw, and giving him the flapping head of a South Park Canadian, spelled fortune to the exuberant, hearty, not particularly funny man who had been applied around this yawning abyss like lipstick.

We tend to remember Brown more fondly than his moderate talent deserves, because he delivers a classic closing line in a classic comedy. The line is "Well, nobody's perfect," and the film is Some Like It Hot (1959) and it's a good demonstration that great dialogue is often great because of context rather than because of the brilliant assembling of words. Here, the phrase is a commonplace one, but nobody can forget it when they've heard it used to cap the film's closing scene. Perhaps it was the prosaic nature of the line which caused its writers to doubt it: Billy Wilder and I.A.L. Diamond wrote it the night before filming, and turned in saying "Maybe we'll think of something better in the morning.”

Joe E. Brown says the line the way he said about every line of his career, enthusiastically, with a goggly stare and an effort to draw the corners of his rubbery mouth as far apart as possible. Stretching his elastic features like a chest expander was basically all he did. He was blessed with a funny face, but what was under it? A perfectly ordinary skull. No funny bones here.

Brown starred - actually starred! - in a whole series of pre-code comedies which prove that not everything made at Warners in the thirties was forward-looking, funny and challenging. He played "lovable" losers who win in the end. Like Harold Lloyd only with his face gashed open. His leading ladies included Joan Bennett, Ginger Rogers, Olivia De Havilland, Ann Dvorak. To contemplate any of those films proceeding beyond the final clinch-and-fadeout is to consider bestiality. One feels Bette Davis was lucky to escape his all-consuming maw. Every other Warners contract starlet was engulfed.

It's safe to assume Wilder gave him his great late role because Brown brought with him associations of a bygone age. Brown would remind audiences of the kind of stuff people used to laugh at. He isn't precisely used as a butt, more as a threat. He seems so genderless, acceptable jokes can be made about him marrying a man. Now that dream is a reality, but Some Like it Hot still seems just a little transgressive, or at least a rare film from its period which manages to imply a questioning of gender roles. Maybe Brown's earlier work would have been improved if he hadn't been required to show interest in girls. He would make a perfect speculative fiction hypothesis of what the third sex might look like. And his best quality as a comic is his alienness: like Harry Langdon, he seems to have beamed down from another world, some kind of asexual clown planet.

Warners had plenty of unappealing comic actors, but they didn't tend to make them leading men. And in small doses, mugs like Guy Kibbee or Hugh Herbert could work. H.H. had one bit of schtick, to say "woo-woo" and giggle inanely while flapping his stubbing fingers in nervous benediction. He did that for about twenty-five years and was never fatally shot or bludgeoned to death. Those were, in many ways, more tolerant times.

Woo-woo Hugh and "the Clown Prince" Brown appear together in Warners all-star A Midsummer Night's Dream, as rude mechanicals, which is perfect casting. A crowd of unfunny funnymen, delivering Shakespeare's less clever material, as background to Jimmy Cagney. The world has acquired some kind of order. But one film later, Brown will be in the lead again, baffling us.

It's bizarre that Brown played leads, since his equipment seems to better suit second banana roles. But its not as mystifying as the career of dialect comedian El Brendel, which requires the aid of a conspiracy theory to make it in any way intelligible.

The story is told that when studio boss William Fox was in a car accident, Elmer Brendel was the only one around with the right blood group to save his life. In gratitude, Fox disfigured his studio's entire output by thrusting the smirking, talentless goof into film after film.

El Brendel was in some good films, like the Oscar-winning Wings. But he's always the worst things about every film he's in, whether it's a classic like Wings or a schlock snooze like The She Creature (1956) at the far end of his career. A farrago about sea monsters and hypnosis, it's hilarious except when El is doing his comedy relief.

El Brendel's schtick was to play a fake foreigner - the Synthetic Swede was his sobriquet. With his little quacking voice he would play naive malaprops, garbling the English language. But he couldn't help smiling in apparent self-satisfaction at each of his would-be funny lines. For a character who's not supposed to know he's funny, this was a terrible mistake, and may explain why I want to murder El Brendel whenever I see him. There's a special circle of hell for comedians who act like they think they're funny. At its centre lies Red Skelton, encased in ice. But I like to think El Brendel is nearby, forced to listen to Red Skelton laugh at how hilarious he thinks he is. For eternity.

Asides from his tight little quarter-moon smile and his twinkly little quarter moon eyes in his punchable face, El Brendel is the comedian without qualities. To see him in what passes for action is to be reminded how much more than a mock accent Chico Marx brought to the screen. Chico was an incredible actor - the Brando of atsa-no-good. El Brendel couldn't even gesture at being funny. In William Wellman's You Never Know Women (1926), the clown makes his debut, playing a clown. It's all there, or rather it isn't, from the start. He is born fully unformed. Wellman resorts to putting him on a wire to try and make him funny. He doesn't even make a decent puppet. The presence in the film of an angry knife-thrower has you praying for a severed artery, but it never comes. Brendel would hang on to his eight pints until William Fox needed one of them. He wasn't talented, but he could marshal his resources.

El Brendel is not an actor, he's not a comedian, he's a gimmick in a flesh suit.

If Joe E. Brown was popular because people with an undeveloped sense of humor require comedians who look like clowns even without facepaint, and El Brendel was successful because movie executives need blood like everyone else, Lincoln Theodore Monroe Andrew Perry, who used the stage name Stepin Fetchit, is a different case.

Fetchit only appeared as a supporting player, but his effect was striking, slowing any scene he was in to the pace of coastal erosion. For that alone, he deserves acknowledgment, whether you welcome his derailment of fast-talking thirties movies or not.

The discomfort Fetchit produces today qualifies him as an honorary unfunnyman, since he was a black actor specializing in playing servant characters of awesome slow-wittedness. Sloping apelike into a scene, his lower lip hanging like the rear flap on a truck, as if the energy to raise it were missing, Stepin Fetchit seems to embody every negative stereotype of his day. Billed as "the laziest man alive," he melded lethargy with ignorance to create a perfect simulacrum of stupidity.

But Perry was very popular with black audiences, who understood something white viewers missed. How much fun it would be, to act like Fetchit in front of white authority! They can punish you for disobedience, but not for your failure to understand an order. Nobody was going to get any meaningful work out of this man, sunk as he seemed to be in the depths of psychomotor retardation. It seemed to be all he could manage to raise his head above chest level. His voice issued in a reedy rasp, painfully stringing words together like an infant assembling building blocks, with the sentences liable at any moment to falter, turn back on themselves, or fade out altogether. Will Rogers, embodiment of the benign white master, could demonstrate his saintliness by finding Fetchit's stream-of-unconsciousness monologues interesting, enlightening.

It is questionable whether even John Ford, who cast Fetchit regularly even after liberal embarrassment had rendered him largely unacceptable elsewhere, understood the subversive side of the comic's character. Probably he just found him funny, and a useful modifier of the generally rambunctious Ford comic scene. Fetchit had the legendary minus factor: entering a scene charged with high emotion, he could make it feel as if someone had left. Where other actors are praised for presence, he had absence. Looking around him in bewilderment, he forced the narrative to its knees, to proceed at the slothlike pace of his dull comprehension.

Of course, the joke cut both ways, since the Fetchit character made white audiences feel comfortably superior. But it's hard now to look upon his schtick without feeling racial shame, an inward cringe. The last laugh is Stepin Fetchit's: no one else is laughing.

by David Cairns

[macktm]

          WHEW! hey angels. i’m really out here taking the time i could be using to work on my essay to write this huh. love this for me. anyway though, i’m bri ( or aubs or aubrianna or whatever! ), i’m twenty, i live in the midwest ( est ), and i’m playing the actual love of my life, mack. we love a good harry styles clone. SMFSLDFM  more on that later though. under the cut is a mini-bio to get you up to date with his intricate backstory in as little words as possible, some statistics, some headcanons, and some connection ideas! feel free to give this post a LIKE, though, and i’lll come to you to plot!

discord: spencer reid stan#8320

pinterest.

aesthetics: clean-cut suits hiding button-downs that are never buttoned all the way up, playing a competitive & shoulder-jabbing game of soccer outside the studio between takes, and handmade fresh fruit & champagne basket arrays. 

biography,

mack is from glencoe, in scotland. there, he’s the middle child of three, and the youngest of two boys. his big brother is a brute and his younger sister could serve mack up for dinner if she wanted to. 

when he lived in scotland ( which was up until about six years ago, when he was eighteen ), you could always find mack playing a brutal game of shinty in the hills. he was a boy’s boy for sure, and still is ldkfmgdflkgm. he loves goofing off and having a good time and generally being immersed in the company of people he loves. he’d spend way too much time with his family, in the kitchen pretending to help with dinner when he was actually just eating and talking and distracting his father and sister ( the bred cooks in his family ). 

mack always found himself compensating for his drunk of a big brother. his brother, graham, is four years older than him, and constantly caused the family strife before he was kicked out. mack, being the heartfelt clown he is, was the beating heart of the family. he kept everyone in love with each other, he made sure there wasn’t a day in which each of his family members were wanting--of attention, of quality time, of someone to fetch the groceries while laney ( his sister, five years younger than him ) was at school. so when mack decided to leave glencoe and start traveling on his own, his family definitely felt winded.

mack is so kind and loving and takes decisions that’d affect his loved ones so seriously that his parents looked to him, rather than to his big brother, to be the heir of their manor. but mack is also..... fickle and fleeting and can’t understand why people want to tie him down and put those good qualities to work to save his life. so instead of agreeing, he broke his family’s heart and decided to follow his own--throughout europe, and then to asia, and finally to america, where he has been setting down for four years as an actor in xoxo. 

statistics,

full name.    mackinley damien ross.

aka.    mack, mickey.

occupation / show & role.     xoxo, damien lafferety.

age.    twenty-four.

pronouns.    he/him.

orientation.    bisexual.

physical appearance,

hair.    curly & brown.

eyes.    blue.

build.    muscular & slim.

scars.    an appendix scar on his abdomen, and a scar down his right bicep from when he cut his arm open on wire on the ground outside as a kid.

tattoos.    n/a.

personality,

zodiac.    virgo.

alignment.    chaotic good.

hogwarts.    gryffindor.

positive traits.    nurturing, ardent, benevolent, fun-loving, & compassionate.

negative traits.   selfish, fickle, fleeting, & hedonistic.

how they’re portayed.     abrasive, promiscuous, selfish, hedonistic, & withheld / reticent.

medical record,

mental.    n/a.

physical.    has broken a lot of bones playing sports over the years. once had asthma, and still carries his inhaler around for the sake of nostalgia.

phobias.    ladders & terminal illnesses.

eyesight.    no glasses necessary.

drug use.    occasionally. isn’t big on them, but isn’t opposed to doing anything non-addicting.

alcohol use.    recreationally.

diet.    his diet consists of intricate and carefully handled homemade meals.

background,

birth place.    glencoe, scotland.

parents.    isla macintosh & alexander ross.

siblings.    graham ross ( 28 ) & laney ross ( 19 ).

pets.    n/a.

education.    n/a. 

languages.    english, french, italian, & russian.

headcanons,

mack is for sure what harry styles is to the press of the music world. every fic written about him is based on this bad boy heterosexual image of him that the world loves to flaunt and daydream about. it doesn’t help that he loves to play the part he knows everyone else loves to lay out for him. he finds it a little fun to pretend that he was typecast for his lothario, bad boy role in xoxo. but he definitely wasn’t. mack, beneath that tabloid gossip, craves real & true love, would be the first to give his life for the people he loves, gives far more than he receives, etc. he’s just... lowkey about it. his clownery doesn’t really help dial down his frivolous press image either but.... oh well. LMDLGKMFG

mack still keeps in touch with his little sister, who thinks he’s an idiot and hates his acting ( lovingly <3 KDLMFG ). he doesn’t keep in touch with his older brother, though, who’s still a drunk and now has inherited the ross estate after their parents died three years ago.

he lives in a gated la community in a house he bought. it’s the first house he has ever had since he began traveling at eighteen, and the not moving around gig is making him a little antsy.

he loves being surrounded by people. he loves throwing cast parties at his house, drinking wine with friends all night, playing stupid party games, and making people laugh until they cry. between takes he’s never in his dressing room. that thing is probably barren. he’s always goofing off, always kicking a ball outside the studio, always playing pranks on cast members, etc. mack is rarely not interacting with people. 

so when he is at home alone at the end of a long day... you can bet he’s wishing he had company. this urge for “something, always” has definitely gotten him into trouble before.

connection ideas,

traveling friend. someone he met when he was out in the world for a year? someone who took his hand and played the responsibility-free game with him? maybe they’re the one who led/pushed mack to pursue acting ( with them? ) in america?

ex. someone who broke mack’s heart because they didn’t want to be serious in the way he wanted to be, someone mack let down when they were just about to get serious because he wanted to keep their relationship private, someone who wanted to used mack for fake relationship clout but quickly realized that mack--once he realizes you don’t actually want him--will make it a point to make you look like a fool while he continues to sleep around openly.

line-buddy. someone who’s always going over lines with mack and/or getting frustrated when their studying inevitably gets sidetracked by mack’s need to drag them out to a gross karaoke bar or something.

on-again-off-again. someone mack is always with, and then fighting with, and then making up with, and then going back to, and then leaving, and then realizing he can’t leave because he wants to give them his attention and he wants their attention in return, etc.

hateship. literally just people who hate mack and think he’s a reckless, brainless idiot. because he is. maybe him and these people have fucked before. u know. MDGVLDFKGM

pr-esque relationship / party friend. someone who is literally always matching mack’s energy, going out all the time, singing karaoke drunk at the top of their lungs together, etc. they’re always realizing they’re being watched and inevitably make out or are all over one another in the meantime to publicly boost but also lowkey make fun of the images the tabloids like to dress up for them. it’s like... these two people ( mack and the mystery muse ) know their reputations are beyond their control, so they live up to them instead, only to go home at the end of the night completely platonically.

caretaking relationship. oh mack loves to nurture. so someone who nurtures and looks out for him right back? we’re eating good tonight.

literally so many more. i’m a vessel. DKLMVKDMFG

[hitchell-mope]

(Second film. At cotillion. Part one. After the press interviews)

Evie (ruefully): go on. Say it. I know you want to

Doug: what do I want.

Evie: you want to say I’m wrong. That I shouldn’t make Mal do this when all she wants is to fade into the background

Doug: you’re doing what you think is right. Mal did what she thought was right. Uma’s doing what she thinks is right. And besides. You’re never wrong. You’re a princess. Royalty. You couldn’t possibly be wrong if you tried.

Evie: aww.

Doug: and. I don’t have to say it. Cause you just did.

(Evie laughs)

Doug: uh oh

Evie: what?

Doug: I spy with my prescription eye wear someone that tried to kill my best friend.

(At the buffet table is Harry munching on the food on offer like a man starving)

Evie: oh this should be fun

Doug: I have the gloves.

Evie: I’ll glamour you so you won’t be seen

(Doug makes his way over to Harry exosuit gloves on and slaps the pirate on the shoulder)

Doug: hello mr hook

Harry (in severe pain from the volts of electricity shooting through his arm): what. What’re you. How!?

Doug: do you really think after all you’ve done that we’d just let you off Scot free without fighting back?

Harry: yes?

Doug: wrong answer

(He steers Harry through the crowd back to Evie. Who socks him in the mouth)

Evie: that’s for trying to kill my family. And that (she kicks his shin where dizzy stabbed him) is for hypnotising Ben

Harry: how’d ya know

Doug: Mal saw you.

Harry: ah.

(He starts to run but Evie uses magic to stop him and summons the hook to her hand)

Evie: you know. My forte IS chemistry. But I’m seriously considering taking biology as an elective. I do so love cutting open slimy little toadies. Sorry. I meant toads

Harry (derisively): hur hur

Carlos: what the fuck is that utter clown doing here?

Doug: it’s an interrogation

Carlos: well that’s all well and good but Jay’s about to come down with Mal any second and if the creature from the black lagoon is here they won’t be responsible for their actions.

Evie: ah. Did not think of that

Carlos: and we’re the smart ones. Poof him into w drain where he belongs.

(Evie does so and the three go back to the dance floor)

Lumiere: presenting the future lady Mal (aside to her) love the dress

Mal (smiling shyly): thank you

Jay: ready?

Mal: nope

(Arm in arm they walk down the steps together)

Lonnie: game plan. Go

Mal: we do nothing.

Jay: that’s not all. We keep Mal happy. Make sure she enjoys herself

Lonnie: Oh. Um. So we don’t rip this Uma girl limb from limb?

Evie: believe me. I had the same idea

Doug: but it’s not worth it. Not when Ben can call out the firing squad on us

Lonnie: ahhhh. Nice hair you two. Love the braid jay.

Carlos: thank you.

Jay (one arm hugging him): my guys very talented

Lonnie: it’s a Dutch braid isn’t it?

Carlos: yep

Lonnie: nice. And you Mal

Mal: magic. Nobody touches my hair but me

Lonnie (fondly): I remember. C’mere (she pulls Mal into a tight hug). No matter what happens tonight we’re on your side. We’re with you Mal

Mal: thank you. And dizzy picked out the style

Carlos: look who’s up

Jane: time to face the music

Lumiere: presenting king Benjamin Flor-Oh my god

(Ben’s arrived with Uma on his arm. She looks proud and haughty. And seems to be looking for Harry. Then she lays eyes on Gil, who’s hiding behind Lonnie, and her expression hardens)

Lumiere: and you are ma’am?

Ben (robotically): Uma

Lumiere (not liking the situation one bit but playing along): presenting king Benjamin Florian and...lady Uma

Gil (innocently): Uma looks nice.

Jay: good, we can bury her in it

Evie: I’m thinking Viking funeral

Carlos: why wait to kill her. Deep fried shrimp is a delicacy as far as I’m concerned. Burn the bitch alive I say

Doug (under his breath): 🎶not yet🎶

(Uma and Ben have started the opening dance)

Evie: oh my god

Doug: what’s wrong?

Evie: I made that dress

Doug: not the time honey

Evie: right sorry.

Mal: I can’t. I’m sorry. I just can’t

Jay: shh shh. It’s ok. C’mon

(Jay leads her out)

Lumiere: boys! Show the window

Mal: what window

Lumiere: please just wait. This has happened before and

Ben: can I have everyone’s attention please

Lumiere: enculé. Que ce passe-t-il?

Mal: ta supposition est aussi bonne que la mienne

Jay: Then let’s watch

Ben: Uma will be joining me as my lady of the court tonight. And we’ll be bringing the barrier down permanently

(Every single Auradonian lets out an overly dramatic gasp)

Adam: he can’t do that

(Just then Mal’s mother arrives)

Elsa: I think you’ll find he can Adam. He’s the king after all. Since you seem in constant need of reminding. And anyway he’s hypnotised by the shell around her neck.

(A black haired girl in a bathrobe barges past Elsa)

Melody: you and that rat looking boy knocked me out tied me to my vanity mirror and stole my dress

Evie (jovial): MELODY!!!! THAT’S WHOSE DRESS IT IS.

Uma (smirking): well I did have to take it in at the hips a little bit. Ben carry on with what you were saying

Ben: that was it

Elsa (aside to Verna): at times like these it’s best to not take what he says seriously until the affliction is fixed

Verna (still under Uma’s power): pardon?

Ben (rather rudely): hey you. Walking Christmas card. Gimme the wand

Elsa: and there it is

Verna: no

Ben: give it. To me

Verna: no

Ben (with Uma’s voice covering his own): GIVE ME THE WAND YOU STUPID BITCH

Verna: I do not take orders from you young lady

Adam (trying to intervene): son if you’d just listen to reason

Ben (still in an Uma induced rage): why would I listen to you. I AM YOUR KING

(He starts to force choke his father)

Mal: what do we do

Elsa: they’re your people my girl. It’s up to you

Uma: oh yes. The traitor. Tell them your ladyship. What are you going to do?

Mal: Doug’s the regent

Doug: but as of this moment I answer to you

Mal: ...restrain Ben

Doug: may I have a heavy portable telescope please my darling

Evie: of course my love

(Doug uses the telescope Evie magics up for him to knock out Ben)

Doug: in hindsight I probably should have asked for a baseball bat

(Evie’s blushing a little)

Carlos: seriously

Evie: oh like you don’t get worked up when jay’s being badass?

Carlos: touché

Uma: eh. Oh well. He just acted like a lost mutt. Harry! Get the wand. Harry? Where’s. What did you do to him

Evie: oh yes. The toad boy. I believe he’s currently in a hellscape

Uma (filled with quiet rage): you sent him back THERE?

Evie (smiling sweetly): oh no captain. I placed him in another dimension. Falling through the void surrounded by all he fears most in the world. Spiders. Crocodiles. And his father

Carlos (highly impressed): oh my

Lumiere: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE PLEASE SHOW LADY MAL THE WINDOW

Jane: right yes.

(She pulls off the curtain revealing the stained glass window Ben has made)

Mal (in awe): wow. I look

Jay: like yourself. No brunette hair in sight. And incredibly powerful. That’s why he loves you.

Mal: I was an idiot wasn’t I. I shouldn’t have tried to change myself when I didn’t need to not when

Jay: he loves you just as you are

Belle: I’m confused what happened

Elsa: like I keep telling you queen mother. She did exactly what I did. What happened to you. You used to be so intelligent and (she spots beast gasping for air on the deck) oh. I see. Never mind

Belle (without humour): hahaha. (More compassionately). Mal dear who is that girl

Elsa: a victim of yours queen mother.

Mal: I hurt her. Over eight years ago I hurt her.

Jay: and she’s been hell bent on destroying her life since

Mal: how do I free Ben.

Elsa: magic works different depending on who wields it. Smashing the shell may not necessarily work like it did with her mother and Ariel. Might be best to use an old fashioned method

Mal: meaning (jay hands her a lipstick) ahhh. But I don’t wear ooooh purple nice

Elsa: you might want to turn around queen mother

Belle: why

Jay: cause your sons gonna get frenched by his girlfriend in front of the entire student body. Still wanna watch?

(Belle promptly turns around)

Jay: didn’t think so

Mal: how do we even know that it’ll work though

Jay: two reasons. A. Uma’s magic is weaker then yours. You can beat her. B. The boy made a stained glass window that essentially says “do with me what you will” and your really second guessing yourself?

Mal: yes

Jay: oh boy. C’mon. I’ll restrain Uma. You kiss him

(This is when “far away” starts up)

[kimuels]

love galore

part 2/? of my series of stories about Dianthe Ergon , Quinn’s younger sister. Dianthe has a Valentine’s Day that isn't completely awful for once. 

Valentine's Day had never been an enjoyable experience for Dianthe Ergon, who was already known for being both THE Quinn Ergon's little sister and the strangest girl in Whitewater Academy's sixth grade class. Dianthe figured it wasn't what she was that made people talk, but more what she wasn't. When you go to a private school with a small student body, everyone knows everything about each other. Teachers, students, and parents alike knew Quinn to be at the top of her class. Talkative. Athletic. Charismatic. Involved in as many activities possible, both in and out of the classroom. Dianthe, on the other hand, was an average student. She had joined the gardening club at the beginning of her sixth grade year and became acquainted with a few of the people there, but found it hard to make connections with her classmates otherwise. Dianthe was a wallflower. The girl who was so quiet, people often forgot what her voice sounded like. The only way it would be easier for her to blend into the background is if her entire existence didn't revolve around the fact that she was Quinn Ergon's weird, screwup little sister. When Dianthe was younger it bothered her to no end, but she was finally starting to come to terms with it. Dianthe knew she'd never be like her older sister, no matter how much she wished for it. Maybe a select group people like Quinn were destined to be great, but the vast majority of people, like Dianthe, were destined to just be "okay." So on Valentine's Day, Dianthe watched her classmates trade handwritten cards, stuffed animals, heart-shaped balloons and dented boxes of assorted chocolates between classes. Popularity was measured in how many gifts one lugged to each class; one girl in Dianthe's history class received so much, she needed assistance carrying everything from class to class. During lunchtime, student council handed out Valentine's Day grams, cute little notes attached to a heart-shaped lollipop that students could send (anonymously or not) to a friend or a crush. Dianthe didn't receive anything--which she had mentally prepared herself for--but she couldn't help but feel a bit sad as she watched her peers read their personalized notes to their friends, suck on their lollipops and fantasize about who their secret admirer could be. It definitely wasn't the greatest precursor to the Valentine's Day dance that would be held after school, which she had been virtually forced into attending by her mother. No matter how much Dianthe protested, her mother insisted that it would be, in her words, "a great chance to get out of your comfort zone and make memories that will last a lifetime." But Dianthe could see the worry in her eyes. She knew how desperate her mother was for her to make friends who could actually talk back, unlike Dolly, her treasured Venus flytrap and the only living being outside of her family that she spoke to on a regular basis. So as soon as Dianthe returned home from school, she took a shower, put on the flowy pink floral-print dress her aunt Salem had bought her for her twelfth birthday (it was one of Dianthe's favorite gifts ever), and stood in front of her parents' bathroom mirror to get her hair combed. "You're such a beautiful girl," her mother gushed as she began to pull Dianthe's back length hair into a low ponytail. "That's all people have talked about since you were a baby. How pretty my little girl is. How she should be a model." When Dianthe looks in the mirror, she definitely doesn't see anything worthy of gracing the cover of a magazine. All she sees is an unfortunate-looking middle schooler with chubby cheeks, greasy skin, ears that stick out a bit too far for comfort, and a smile that looks forced no matter how she does it. But since her mother was in a good mood, Dianthe decided to just smile and keep that thought to herself. After Dianthe's hair was done, her mother stood up and walked into the master bedroom. Dianthe could hear her rummaging through her jewelry box, and after a few minutes she came back with two dangly earrings that resembled a Lily of the Valley.

"I saw them while I was out shopping and thought they'd go well with your dress," she explained, gently working the hooks through Dianthe's pierced ears.

When Dianthe looked up at herself in the mirror again, she couldn't help but smile a rare, genuine smile.

Surprisingly, Dianthe didn't begin to feel nervous until her parents dropped her off outside the school's front doors. Groups of girls were standing near the entrance laughing and taking pictures amongst themselves before they make the trek to the cafeteria, where the dance was held. Dianthe avoided eye contact with them and made a beeline for the front door, suddenly feeling very self-conscious.

"Hey, Dianthe!" A voice called just as Dianthe grabbed the door handle. She reluctantly turned around and found herself face-to-face with Kai Harris, one of the most popular girls in Dianthe's class. She was on the track team, the president of student council, a straight-A student and extremely pretty to boot; she was truly the Quinn Ergon of Dianthe's class. Dianthe could see that Kai had walked away from her large group of friends to talk to her, and they were all looking at her so intensely that she averted her eyes.

"Hi, Kai," Dianthe replied politely when she finally mustered up the courage to look Kai in the eyes. "You look really pretty tonight."

"Me?" She replied incredulously, gesturing in Dianthe's direction. "You look gorgeous, Dianthe! Pink is your color."

Dianthe smiled bashfully, tucking a stray curl behind her ear. "Thank you," She mumbled in response, reaching for the door handle again.

"Hey." Kai put a hand on Dianthe's shoulder, stopping her dead in her tracks. "I'm really glad you came tonight, Dianthe. I was hoping I'd see you here, even though you don't really seem like a 'school dance' type of person."

Dianthe blinked, looking into Kai's warm brown eyes. She didn't even know that Kai knew her name, much less that she cared whether or not she showed up to a stupid school dance. Sometimes Dianthe forgot that even though she was a girl who could easily fade into the background, occasionally people saw her. Even people like Kai Harris, who everyone loved and envied and wanted to be. And Dianthe had to admit, it felt nice to be seen sometimes.

As soon as Dianthe walked into the cafeteria, all she could think about was what a long night she had ahead of her. A huge group of students were clustered in the middle of the cafeteria, dancing awkwardly to a fast-paced song that Dianthe had never heard before. A few couples stood at the edges of the circle and attempted to slow dance to the music, which Dianthe couldn't help but laugh to herself at. Cafeteria tables decorated with heart-shaped balloons and full of candy, baked goods and boxes of pizza lined the edge of the room. Parent chaperones and a few teachers leaned against the walls, talking amongst themselves. The music was turned up so loud that Dianthe could barely hear her own thoughts, the pink and red mood lighting was beginning to give her a headache, and the room smelled nauseatingly of cologne and perfume.

After a few moments of contemplation, Dianthe grabbed a water bottle from a cooler underneath one of the food tables and headed for the cafeteria's side doors. Just outside was a large courtyard area away from all the people and the smells and the noise.

Once Dianthe stepped through the doors, she felt all of her pent-up nervousness melt away. A few students and parent chaperones were scattered throughout the courtyard, sitting at tables or standing and talking in groups. Dianthe sat down at an empty table near the doors, opened her water bottle, and took a long swig of the ice-cold beverage. She sat like that for a while, drinking her water and people-watching. Dianthe couldn't help but feel slightly embarrassed that she was sitting by herself and doing nothing, but a large part of her was relieved that she was shielded from the chaos going on just beyond the cafeteria doors.

After a few minutes, the ear-piercing song inside the cafeteria finally began to fade out. To her surprise, the song that immediately followed was "How Deep Is Your Love" by the Bee Gees. It was one of Dianthe's favorites, but it was also a song so old she was surprised that a DJ would play it for a crowd of thirteen-year-olds. Nonetheless, she began to sway to the music, quietly singing along to herself.

I know your eyes in the morning sun

I feel you touch me in the pouring rain

And the moment that you wander far from me

I want to feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze

Keep me warm in your love, then you softly leave

"Wow," Came a voice from behind Dianthe. She immediately froze in place, waiting a few moments before slowly turning her head to identify who had been listening to her.

It was Augustin Cordova, one of the most popular boys in Whitewater's sixth grade class. He was the captain of their class' debate team, student council vice-president, and played on the middle school's football team. He was charismatic, intelligent, and somewhat of a class clown; Dianthe had a few classes with Augustin that year, but she was certain that he didn't even know her name. It seemed odd to Dianthe that he was by himself; she'd never really seen him not surrounded by a group of friends, or talking to one of his many admirers. He must've been drowning in gifts today, Dianthe thought to herself.

Augustin smiled down at Dianthe playfully, revealing the dimple on the right side of his face. He raised an eyebrow as Dianthe shifted in her seat nervously.

"I don't bite," he joked, sitting down across from Dianthe. "This seat taken?"

Dianthe shook her head 'no' and trained her eyes on the side of the building, counting the bricks to take her mind off of her nerves.

"So Dianthe Ergon sings like an angel," Augustin continued, resting his chin in his hand. "Who knew?"

Dianthe bit the inside of her cheek and reluctantly met Augustin's hazel eyes. He's was wearing a baby blue tuxedo with a large stain on the front, and Dianthe wondered if he'd spilled punch on himself.

"Uh..." Dianthe rubbed the back of her neck foolishly. "I wouldn't say that. it's just, um... It's a good song."

Augustin suddenly burst into laughter; he had a loud, belly laugh that echoed throughout the courtyard and made Dianthe jump.

"Sounds even better coming out of your mouth, Dianthe. Have you ever thought about joining choir?"

Relaxing a little, Dianthe raised her eyes to meet his again. This time, she noticed that they were tinged red and puffy.

"You, um..." Dianthe picked at a loose thread at the end of her dress. "You don't have to tell me about it, but are you... Alright?"

Immediately, Augustin's face fell. Dianthe knew that she had struck a nerve.

"It's nothing," He said unconvincingly, running a hand through his curly dark brown locks. "Nothing important, anyway."

"Hit me with it," Dianthe replied, unsure of where this sudden burst of confidence was coming from. "I can't even gossip because I don't have friends. Unless Dolly, my Venus flytrap, counts."

"As long as Dolly promises to keep her mouth shut," he replied with a smirk.

"Okay..." he began, nervously running a hand through his curly brown hair. "You know Abigail Reynolds, right?"

Dianthe nodded. Abigail was pretty, popular, and did competitive figure skating outside of school. She didn't really have an opinion about Abigail, other than the fact that she was a little stuck up. Abigail was the type of person who didn't interact with anyone who she felt was beneath her, especially a girl as unpopular as Dianthe Ergon.

"So I've liked her for a few months now. I asked her to be my date to the dance, and she said 'yes.' Everything was going great until she came to my house before the dance to take pictures..." Augustin's voice trailed off. He frowned and scratched the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable.

"Did you... get into an argument with her?" Dianthe furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

"No. She... Uh..." There was a long pause before Augustin heaved a sigh. "She saw what my house looked like and she realized that my family isn't rich. The truth is... I'm here on a scholarship, Dianthe. Money has always been tight for my family, but I'm here to get a good education and eventually, a job that will allow me to pay them back for all that they've given up for me."

Dianthe didn't know what to say. The fact that Augustin didn't come from money like the majority of her classmates didn't bother her, but she had no clue that his family was struggling financially. For all the eavesdropping and people-watching that Dianthe did, she assumed that she'd had her classmates all figured out. After hearing something like this from someone who seemed like an open book, Dianthe wondered if she really knew anything about anyone.

"So," he continued, "My mom drove us to the dance, and she ignored me the whole way there. She ditched me as soon as we stepped into the cafeteria, so I went looking for her. As soon as I found her again, I asked her to dance. She went to the punch table, got a cup, and did this in front of a big group of people." he points to the big red stain on his suit that Dianthe had noticed earlier. "And then I went outside for some fresh air. Now, I'm here."

"Jeez." Dianthe frowned sympathetically. "I'm really sorry that happened to you, Augustin. If it makes you feel any better..."

Dianthe hesitated, unsure if she should allow herself to say what she'd really like to. Screw it, she thought to herself. I've made it this far.

"Abigail Reynolds is known for being a snob, if we're being honest. And a huge bitch."

"Dianthe!" Augustin somehow managed to laugh louder than he had before, this time drawing the attention of a few parent chaperones and a group of people sitting at a nearby table. "You're not wrong, but you didn't have to say it like that. What has gotten into you tonight?"

"I've been like this my entire life," she fired back playfully, opening her bottle of water to take another sip. "I'm so quiet that no one cares to listen."

"Maybe I should have," Augustin said thoughtfully, looking into Dianthe's eyes so deeply that it took everything in her to not break eye contact with him. "Maybe I would've been a lot happier at this school if I would've met someone like Dianthe Ergon earlier."

For the second time that night, Dianthe broke into a genuine (albeit small) smile. Augustin returned it with his signature goofy grin, one that Dianthe wasn't aware that she'd be seeing for years to come.

Dianthe Ergon had never been a fan of Valentine's Day. But it was also the day that she met someone who would change her life forever.

[queennicoleinboots]

Chapter 10 of Completely Out of Sync: Too Many Frustrations of the New Millennium – Not Found in Statham, GA (Joebear POV)

“GET INSIDE!” Blondie Black screamed from inside the house.

Ruby Black, Baby Black, and I ran toward the house as fast as we could to get out of the waterfall that descended from the sky. We could barely see in front of us as the rain water hit the hot ground below us. Gotta love this insane humidity. Mist choked the air.

Baby Black farted again as she ran ahead of me.

“Thank you for farting,” I said as I waved my paw in front of my face to avoid smelling it. “Again.”

Ruby Black started coughing behind me. She and I started laughing before we became trapped in the fart cloud. We were truly soaked before we finally entered the house. The wooden floor was becoming soaked. Baby Black, Ruby Black, and I shook the water out of our fur.

I guess I was stuck there until it was safe to call AAA to jump the battery in that piece of shit Nissan Versa. The worst part was AAA always took forever, and they are going to have a hell of a time finding me on this property. If it weren’t storming like mass hell outside, AAA would have a possible chance of finding me. But, I would rather be safe with these four dogs than to try to escape Statham, GA in this kind of weather. This kind of weather has literally blanketed this area all day, but it was horrible now. I swear that Hurricane Fuck Off was outside banging at the windows of this cottage. There was no way I was going to get my fur muddy by being out in that shit. There was no way Baby and Ruby Black were going to stay out in that weather. There was no way that BearBear and Blondie Black were even going to be able to stay on the ground if they went out there. Those two would be blown away by the wind. So, we were stuck in the cottage being battered by a hellstorm.

I took this moment to call my wife. I missed her.

“BAAAAAEEEEWHUHHHHHHHH!!!!!” she sang to greet me.  

“BaeBae!” I shouted out of excitement.

The dogs barked and howled to greet Xara.

“Oh hello, Blondie!” she shouted. “How are you doing?”

Blondie Black got on my phone and started blurting shit out. “Xara! Oh my God the craziest shit has been happening here! Goofy-looking dumbasses with typical lab coats were here at the house. One of them even looked like a clown posed as a doctor. How the fuck did this guy get this job? It seems that the Veterans Administration would hire anyone who can wipe his ass and not leave a skidmark in his underwear.”

We all fucking burst out laughing. Blondie Black definitely didn’t pull any punches. Ruby Black was rolling on the floor and literally laughing.

“Yeah, that’s typical of the Veterans Administration. Is your family okay?” she asked.

“Uhhhh yeah… about that. They were abducted-” Blondie Black started to say before BearBear Black cut her off by tackling her.

“ARRESTED! THEY WERE ARRESTED BY THE POLICE COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND!” BearBear Black shouted at my wife.

“WE GOT IT BAD BECAUSE WE’RE BROWN!” Ruby Black shouted.

Xara couldn’t help but crack up. “Arrested? For what?!” she asked.

“They were arrested for nudity,” I explained to her.

“Really? On their own property?” she asked with a bit of a laugh.

“Yes, it seems she had been indecently exposing herself again... on her own property,” I explained to her as I was actually confused by the logic. “The police really have gone overboard. It’s unreal. There is no privacy anywhere. You don’t own your own property. The banks still charge property taxes every year. The cops run wild on 'your' property. It’s all bullshit. I’ll be honest. I don’t even fully understand what’s going on.”

“Yeah, that’s ridiculous. Are they in prison?! And what happened to Lorraine Black’s phones?!” she asked as she sounded like she was getting irate.

“The Veterans Administration pulled rank and had the phones shut off,” I answered plainly. Baby Black barked in the background to affirm my statement.

“UGH! Fuck the VA! They strip every veteran of his rights!” she shouted.

“There are female veterans out there, ya know!” Blondie Black boldly corrected her.

‘Who the fuck cares?’ I thought.

“Okay. They strip every veteran of his or HER rights,” Xara said. “And don’t get me started on how shitty the healthcare system in the United, or should I say Divided States of America is. For the military nonetheless? Geez. No wonder I deal with sick dumbasses all day. These people don’t give a fuck about Veterans.”

Blondie Black howled to affirm her statement. “Yes, and they have clown doctors! Come on! This bullshit is medieval. I wish we would just evolve already. It’s 2020, and this is the best medical care available in the United States: clown doctors, pills that make us sicker instead of better, and bullshit vitamins that barely cover our essential nutritional needs. I don’t buy that. These people WANT US TO BE SICK AND DUMB!” she shouted with a series of barks.

BearBear Black, Ruby Black, and Baby Black barked like hell in agreement. I agreed with them, too, so I did what any bear would do if he strongly agreed with something: growl like King Bear. I growled so loudly that the cottage shook. I even started laughing hysterically as the cottage shook. I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t handle this world no more.

“Holy Shit!” BearBear Black said as her fur stood on edge as she stared at me with bewildered dark blue eyes.

Xara laughed maniacally. “Not to mention that most doctors are foreign because Americans apparently don’t know shit about the medical field at all. Think about it. When you go to college, most people that major in medicine are fucking foreign. Especially Indian, Spanish, or Asian. In fact, the Indian, Spanish, and I daresay the Chinese language has infiltrated its way into the vernacular here in America. English WAS supposed to be the official language in this country, but nope. Americans are too big of pussies to stick up for their own bullshit language, so they allow every Tom, Dick, and Harry to morph our language into something that not even Einstein can figure out! I wish the United States was united, but it's really not. The states all seem to be doing their own thing when it comes to handling COVID-19. We as a people are politically and religiously divided. The States of America just seem to have a smorgasbord of people who have nothing in common other than the fact that they live in North America. Some aren't even citizens. So yeah, we are more divided," she shouted over the phone. Uh oh. My wife was going on another rant again.

“The doctors don’t give a damn about your health. It’s all about the money,” I said flatly. “The Rothschilds and the Rockafellers have monopolized the insurance companies, and the insurance companies govern the way healthcare is done in this country. It’s an absolute fucking joke!”

The Black dogs all barked and howled in agreement to what I was saying. BearBear Black even farted as she jumped up and down and barked. That dog was pissed off and nothing to fuck with.

“It really is. It’s crazy. Even with home health care, you can work as hard as you can for four fucking years, but if you have a bad month, the coordinators don’t give a fuck. It’s all about money. It’s all about numbers. They don’t give a damn about the employees or the customers. Their mission statement is a fucking lie. By the way, one of their mission points is face-to-face conversations with everyone, but with COVID-19, that’s completely out the window. In other news, thank God I have my own cleaning company. Home health care agencies are absolute total bullshit at this point. And who the fuck wants anyone in their home anyway right now?” she ranted in a shaky voice. She was so pissed that she was starting to malfunction.

“Well, I wasn’t trying to upset you, baby,” I said to try to calm her down. I didn’t like seeing her upset.

The Black dogs were just going to town with the barking and howling. Baby Black got pissed and kicked a table leg. I was getting a headache from all of the noises.

This was one of those moments where I wished I had a juicy steak to share with these dogs. They were probably hungry. I got up to find them something to eat while Xara was just bitching about the status quo, Peter Wallace Parker (who can be a real fucking asshole sometimes), and how she had no coffee. She was hungry, too. She forgot her lunch AGAIN. I wanted to beat her ass for that, but this was not the time to tell her that. There were five angry bitches in my presence, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive.

“I’m fucking hungry!” Baby Black screamed.

“I’m fucking hungry, too. Come to think of it!” Blondie Black said as she was moving in and out of my legs.

“Stop! Lay down!” I screamed at Blondie Black. I was looking for dog food and finally found it in the last kitchen cabinet to the right. The balls of my feet were killing me. Probably from stress.

To tell you the truth, I was hungry, too, but not as hungry as these dogs. BearBear and Blondie Black were literally diving into the bag of food the minute I pulled it out of the cabinet.

“Goddammit! I’m trying to feed you!” I shouted as I scooped out the dog food with my bear hands and threw it at the bitches.

Baby and Ruby Black were eating like crazy. Meanwhile, my wife was still yammering on about something.

“Oh! I forgot my lunch goddammit!” Xara said loudly as she slapped herself on the forehead.

‘Are you serious?’ I thought. ‘Wow, my wife is braindead sometimes!’

“Order a pizza tonight,” I said. “I have no idea when the fuck I’m getting out of here. This storm actually has me locked in here with four hungry female dogs. And I’m hungry!”

“THERE’S HONEY IN THE CABINET SOMEWHERE!” Blondie Black yelled in between her munching in the bag.

“Thank you, Blondie,” I said as I ransacked the cabinets to find the honey. Once I did, I bit into the honey bottle and started eating the honey. Fuck table manners. Only pretentious people use those!

“You are strong, Joebear Campinelli!” Ruby Black said as she laughed a little bit.

Good Lord, this dog was horny. I took a deep breath and tried to resist the power of Ruby Black.

Meanwhile, I heard Peter Wallace Parker scream a blood-curdling scream on the other side of my wife’s phone. I cringed and asked, “Is everything okay, my love?”

“No, baby. Peter is having yet another meltdown. I need to tend to him,” she said.

“Okay, baby. Be careful,” I said. “Love you.”

“LOVE YOU, BOO!!!!” she shouted.

I hung up the phone and decided it was time to give Ruby Black the rub of her life. She was a dog, and dogs deserve to be petted. In fact, I planned to pet ALL of these bitches before the night was out.

“Okay, all done!” Blondie Black exclaimed as she rushed under me and started pawing at my knees.

I lifted Blondie Black and started petting her and kissing her cheeks. She was such a baby. She was whining and making grunts as I was scratching her back.

Ruby Black then came over and started pawing at my knees.

I put Blondie Black down and then kneeled down to pet both of those dogs. They both lied on their backs as I played with them and pet them.

BearBear and Baby Black were still eating while Blondie and Ruby Black were getting tons of affection from my bear paws.

There was a knock at the door. All four dogs rushed to the door and started barking their heads off.

I blinked and thought to myself, ‘What the fresh hell is going on here?’

“Fuck off!” BearBear Black shouted through the door.

“I could if I would, but I have been ordered to be here,” the man at the door said. “I need to speak to the head of household.”

“He’s not here,” Blondie Black said.

“Understood. Who is next in command?” the man at the door asked.

“I am!” BearBear Black shouted. “State your business!”

“Oh bullshit, BearBear! I am next in command,” Baby Black said as she pushed the door open to reveal herself. Her light blue eyes pierced through the clown in the white coat at the door. Her ears were pinned down as she was ready to fuck this guy up.

The other three dogs were baring their teeth at him as they almost pounced on that poor son of a bitch.

“What the fresh hell is going on here?” the clown man asked as he blinked.

Baby Black pounced on him and knocked him on his back against the wooden porch.

“Holy shit. I might faint!” the clown said as he stared fearfully into Baby Black’s blue eyes of death.

“We have the same question for you,” BearBear Black said as she scurried toward his face and started barking.

“I WAS SENT HERE TO DO A CENSUS FOR THE VETERANS ADMINISTRATION! PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!” the clown screamed as tears were going down his eyes.

“Fuck you,” BearBear Black shouted as she barked at him.

“The Veterans Administration is the same reason that I am the head of household AS A DOG!” Baby Black said in a low voice as she growled at him. Her teeth were sharp, and she was nothing to fuck with.

“Yes. What the fresh hell is going on here?” Blondie Black asked as she scurried over to the clown’s face. “How do you not know what’s going on?”

“Honestly, no one tells me anything. I have to come to the houses and confirm everything,” the clown said as he started crying.

“There, there,” Blondie Black said as she nuzzled up against him. “I can imagine that your job is very stressful.”

“It is… it is…,” the clown said as he literally started bawling. “All I wanted to do was provide city data for veterans who want to retire. They worked hard when they were in service. The least we could do is give them data to figure out the best place to live after going through the horrors of war…”

“Well, this place isn’t it,” BearBear Black said as she barked. “This place is a fucking hell hole. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY TECHNOLOGY ON?!”

I waved my cell phone stupidly at BearBear Black. “You want me to turn this off, correct?” I asked.

“YEAHHHHHHHHHH,” BearBear Black said. “Why the fuck would you have that thing on anyway when the Veterans Administration is here?!”

“Excuse me, Princess,” I said as I turned my cell phone off. “I was in the middle of eating this ice cream.”

“WHO IS THAT MAN?!” the clown asked.

“None of your business!” Ruby Black shouted as she circled around his head. “He does not live here! He is visiting! IS VISITING NOW ILLEGAL BECAUSE OF COVID-19?! DO EVEN DOGS AND BEARS HAVE TO WEAR MASKS NOW?!”

The other three dogs barked in his face.

“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to gather data. Are there any humans here?” he asked.

BearBear Black shook her ass and just stared at him like he was a retard. “What kind of a retarded question is that?”

“A retarded question that all Veterans Administration census workers unfortunately have to ask. May I access a pen please? Are those allowed in this non-technological house?” the clown asked as he rolled his eyes. I could tell he was over these four dogs getting in his space.

Baby Black got off of him and sat down in front of him.

The clown sat up and reached his pen and pad.

“TURN OFF YOUR GODDAMN CELLPHONE OR WHATEVER TECHNOLOGICAL DEVICE YOU HAVE!” BearBear Black screamed at him as she was in his face and barking at him.

“All right. All right. Damn you’re insistent, dog woman,” the clown said as he turned his many technological devices off to appease this fucked-up dog.

“Thank you. Now you can start writing,” BearBear Black said.

Baby Black barked a strong bark as she still stared him down with her icy blue eyes.

“Is all of that barking really necessary?” the clown asked as he was writing down some answers to questions that he unfortunately already knew.

“Is that a question on your census?” BearBear Black asked.

“Son of a bitch, I actually have to look,” the clown said as he flipped through this book of questions to find it. A few minutes later, he actually found the damn question. “Actually, yes. It’s on the side questionnaire that’s in Section C for if the poor son of a bitch veteran has a dog.”

“Let me clarify that Diamond Black, Tim Black’s mother, was actually not a bitch at all. She was the sweetest and most intelligent woman of all time,” Blondie Black corrected. “Is that question still on your census?”

The clown scrolled down a couple pages before he looked at Blondie Black straight in the face and said, “Yes. It would have been horrible if you had mistaken Tim Black's mother for his father, ya know. We would have had to go through this process all over again.”

“Thar would have been a real bitch. In that case, we will be more than happy to answer your question. It is always necessary for a dog to bark. It is a form of communication, a way of life, a way of being. Without a bark, who is a dog?” Blondie Black stated.

“That’s beautiful. I wish I had room to put that,” the clown said.

“Do you have a ‘notes’ section?” Blondie Black asked.

“Jesus Christ this is going to take forever,” Ruby Black said as she laid down and sighed.

BearBear Black sat near the clown and looked at the answers he was writing on the questionnaire.

“I do,” the clown said as he went to the very last page and wrote down Blondie Black’s quote about barking. “What is your name, great dog?”

“Blondie Black!” she answered as she puffed out her small blonde chest in pride.

“You are appropriately named,” the clown said as he quoted Blondie Black. “Now to get back to the task at hand, I have to ask this retarded question again, and I expect a retarded answer. Do any humans live at this residence?”

BearBear Black growled at him. “No,” she said.

He wrote down the answer with wide eyes. “Are the people of the house deceased?”

“HOW THE FUCK SHOULD WE KNOW?! YOU WOULD KNOW MORE THAN WE WOULD?!” BearBear Black shouted at him.

Coyotes howled into the evening.

“Do the coyotes live here?” the clown asked.

“Yes, but they literally just moved in. We know nothing about them,” Baby Black answered.

The clown looked frantically through the questionnaire for about five minutes.

Ruby Black sighed and looked into the yard where her dog pen used to be. It was in shambles all over the yard. The storm fucked it up.

“Well, as long as anyone doesn’t live inside the house, I don’t have to question them. Thank God. I wasn’t in the mood to be eaten by coyotes,” the clown said.

“Neither are we. Can we get on with it!?” Baby Black asked.

“Yes ma’am,” the clown said. He then started asking a bunch of questions. The dogs answered them as honestly as they thought they could without the flood gates of hell opening upon their life.

I was literally eating the bag of chips after eating all of the chips before they finally finished answering the questions three hours later. It was dark outside. My wife was worried about me, I’m sure.

The clown then thanked the dogs and disappeared into the night. Apparently, everyone disappears in Statham, GA.

“You can turn your technology back on,” BearBear Black said as she approached me. She walked like a wind-up toy from the 80s.

“Thank you,” I said to BearBear Black as I turned my cell phone on. As soon as the screen loaded, I called my wife again.

[disrespectfullcalum]

Walk the line (Pt3/?)

Word count: 2,415

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary:  Being the granddaughter of Peggy Carter, you always try to stay away from spotlight. The lure of Hydra is still out in the world, but you get away from it whenever you work at that small diner a few blocks from the Avengers tower. You even befriend one particularly nice customer and let him help you with your language essays for college. But what are you going to do when your family name collides with reality and you finally realise what past is behind those sad eyes and shy smile from your favourite customer?

Warnings: drinking, angst, explosions, cliff hanger, swearing (I, uh, think that’s it???)

A/N: So sorry it took me so long to update!! But I’m not sick anymore so I had to go to work and catch up and also take care of family stuff. I’m gonna try to update every other day until this is finished and maybe start some shorter stuff? If you want? Anyways - please, please reblog if you like it, I enjoy reading tags and/or comments! 

MASTERPOST

It's quarter past eleven, I'm not in the mood to think Mr. band leader, let's kick out the jam

You knew this was a bit ridiculous. The dress, the shoes, the complete make-up – you looked like a clown, ready for the show. Plus, you didn’t even really know any of these people that would turn up and they didn’t know you. They all were just going to talk to you because of your name. Not your first name, no first name was interesting enough for that. It was your family name that caught their attention. Carter, that is. And if it hadn’t been Steve himself who invited you, you probably wouldn’t even go.

This all had started three months ago. After that weird evening where James had come in with his two… friends, yeah, that’s what you would call them. You hadn’t seen him that much since then and when you did, he was almost always covered in bruises from head to toe. There weren’t too many questions asked because you knew he didn’t like that. You would just place a glass of coke in front of him with his usual menu, he’d smile at you with that damn stupid half-sided grin, and then just eat and drink in silence before leaving with a more than gracious tip. There’s was pretty much no talking anymore, no more correcting of essays or anything. It was like that stupid comment his friend had dropped just – broke everything. It made you feel lost, it made you miss the times you would just throw remarks at each other during your shifts and you realised that he actually had made most of your shifts much more fun. He would hum along to the songs in the background, sometimes writing down the titles and artists in a small notebook. He had you so intrigued with his non-existent knowledge of popular movies (old and new) and you happily lectured him hours on end on your favourite ones.

Like Harry Potter. You probably spent an entire month telling him all about the storylines, the different characters, the canon pairings and possible pairings, the little details – you told him literally everything there was. He was even allowed to borrow your most favourite editions of the books, the well-loved and used versions you had owned since your 13th birthday. That was an honour not too many people in your life were granted and he had thanked you for it with actual notes of his thoughts. He actually wrote down his thoughts of every single chapter and as you read them at night, there was no way you couldn’t smile at them. During the first chapters of the Philosopher’s Stone, he wrote: Snape = suspicious. Probably up to something. Hermione is nerve-wracking, but will likely be useful to the boys in future. The pure thought of James staying up late, reading a children’s book and watching the movies and being so irritably bitchy about their lack of content – that was enough to make your insides warm and fuzzy.

But all of this stopped, and you felt lonelier than before. You hadn’t realised how much you relied on him as emotional relief until you no longer had him around. Sure, you still had your other friends who listened to everything, but you still found yourself missing his presence. He had managed to sneak into your heart without you realising it and now that he didn’t show up anymore – the hole he left was gaping deeply. And as if it was a weird coincidence, another guy had stepped into your life right at that time. And by another guy, you were talking actual freaking Captain America! You had gotten an invitation to S.H.I.E.L.D. which already startled you as you had never actively contacted them. Sure, your family name was like a holy grail and they most definitely had data about anything you did – you had just never expected them to actually contact you. It had been three months before the anniversary of your grandmother’s death and apparently, they had decided to celebrate it. Like, complete with speeches, music, and any other extravagancy they could come up with.

And they wanted you to join. You, as the granddaughter of the legendary Peggy Carter, should hold a speech at this ridiculous event in her honour. You were sure that this was the last thing she had in mind but well, if that meant to get them off your ass, you would do it. You had sent them back a letter in which you were stating you would do it but only under the condition of not being named anywhere. Not on any programme flyers, not on a poster, nowhere. That was the only condition for you and it was funny enough that that one thing made Steve Rogers appear on your doorstep.

It was a late Saturday night, you had been studying your ass off trying to understand this complete ass of a German news article and the whiskey bottle next to you was nearly half empty. Bourbon had been a favourite of yours since forever – Peggy had actually given you your first ever bottle of it when you turned 18 because that was the legal drinking age in England. No other reason needed. It probably also hadn’t helped you that since you still visited your grandparents frequently when you were over 18 and had drunk together with them. It had made you a bit immune to its effects and made you a wonder at every single frat party you had attended. But tonight, you weren’t drinking to feel good or goofy, you were drinking because you wanted to drown that stupid feeling of being lost. This feeling of not really having anyone who knew you. Your parents had died when you were 16 – officially it had been an accident, but you knew they had been working for S.H.I.E.L.D., so it had most likely been during a mission.  And during all this mess, your doorbell rang. Quickly, you wiped your eyes and tried to make your hair look a bit less messy as you walked towards the door. You didn’t even bother looking through the small spy even though you didn’t expect anyone. It shocked you therefore when you opened the door and there was this stupidly hunky man standing there. His shoulders were broad enough to touch both sides of your door frame and his blue eyes felt like they were looking right into your soul. “Hello?” Your voice was a bit smaller than you wanted it to sound, you didn’t want to seem intimidated by his height or anything. “Are you… Y/N Carter?” His voice was calm, a bit worried maybe. And his eyes held a spark of hope that was all too familiar. Your eyes squinted slightly as your head tilted to the side. “I know you. From pictures. I think we should talk about this inside.” And with that, you ushered him inside, quickly glancing up and down the corridor to make sure nobody had seen literal Captain America waltzing over.

He had stayed nearly the whole night. When he left, there had been two more empty bottles of bourbon, a lot of tears shed, and a lot of tissues on your couch table. You two had spent the night talking about your grandmother, him sharing his memories of the younger her during the war and you telling stories about her as a mother and grandmother. It was nice to have someone who could relate to losing someone so close and loved – sure, your friends had lost their grandparents as well for the most part, but none of them had been as close as you and Peggy. Steve met you a few more times and after a while, you grew used to his visits. He reminded you of James in a way: He, too, didn’t know too much about modern movies or music but that was due to him being frozen and you made it a mission to show him your favourite stuff. It also didn’t take you too long to realise that he was dating your only cousin, Sharon. She was unlike you in the most parts, but you both were close nonetheless. And while you had preferred to stay in the shadows, she took part in S.H.I.E.L.D. and worked on the heritage of your grandmother. And bless her, she was good at that.

But tonight, you would have to step out of them. You felt utterly ridiculous and nowhere prepared to talk to all these agents. There was nothing you had in common with them, absolutely nothing. You were a languages and business student, they were field agents who fought one-on-one and some of them had only nearly escaped a certain death. Plus, the fucking Avengers were going to be there. Steve had told you that much about the preparations because apparently, even Captain America himself didn’t know everything. As if the mere presence of Iron Man or the Hulk wasn’t already intimidating enough! Your hands were sweaty, and you wiped them unconsciously on the side of your dress, making Sharon grab them in her own hands and squeezing them. “You’re gonna be alright, Y/N. You have your notes on these cards, you just look at Steve and me the whole time and you’re gonna be fine.” A deep breath escaped your chest. “I seriously don’t know what I’d do without you.” She gave you a half-sided grin and patted your shoulder. “Well, you certainly wouldn’t be here. Peggy would be proud of you.” The last part was merely a whisper, but it echoed louder inside of your head than anything else.

The scent and the aroma refuse to breathe It's more like a haze that's trying to succeed It's drawing me in and pulling me to you And every thought I have turns the language blue

His nose crinkled as he tried to get this stupid tie correct. This had been his forte back in the 40ies, but those times – well, they were long gone now. He hadn’t been wearing a suit or a tie for decades and Bucky swore under his breath as he got it wrong for what felt like the 40th time. A quick glance to the watch on his bedside table showed him that he was already late. Annoyed and frustrated, he threw the stupid thing back onto his bed and fixed his hair one last time in the mirror before walking out. He had been excited for this evening because he had met Peggy during the War. She had been strong and beautiful, and it hadn’t been hard to see how much her and Steve had loved each other. Bucky only wished that he spent more time with her back then and deeply regretted his typically-douchebag behaviour from these days. He hadn’t thought much of women in the army, saw them as too fragile and emotional for the job. But Peggy – she had changed his mind. And every time he had met a female agent at the headquarters of S.H.I.E.L.D., they had reminded him of that strong woman. In a weird way, Y/N had reminded him of her as well. The way she held herself up, this natural confidence, even the twinkle in her eyes.

Y/N. Her name alone made him frown a bit. He had only been down to the diner a few times because he didn't really want her to see him like this. All the missions he went on now, they had left him in desperate need of patching-up and it was a true piece of work to hide all the bruises. Bucky wasn't going to let her see him all messed up. She already worried and if he turned up even more worn-down, she would ask too many questions he couldn't answer - and that was a risk Bucky was not ready to take yet. He liked her, there was no denying that! But he could still remember the person he had been before, he remembered the things he had done, and he was not going to let Y/N anywhere near the danger that came with him.

He took the stairs two steps at a time and had trouble to catch his breath at the top of them. With a quick look around, he managed to spot Steve standing a few meters away together with Sharon. They were giving the thumbs-up to someone up on the stage, but Bucky didn’t give it too much of a thought as he walked towards his friends. “What took you so long, frosty?” The woman greeted him with a bright grin on her face. He gave a dirty look while his hands reached up to fix his hair one more time, but Sharon was quicker and stopped the movement. “You look fine, Buck. Even though a little haircut wouldn’t be a wrong thing to do.” Sharon stated while Steve nodded in consent. But he just shrugged his shoulders and fixed his eyes onto the stage where Director Fury was standing – Bucky had to take a double take because he had never seen the chief in a suit or anything like it, he almost looked unrecognizable. “Next up, we have a very special guest coming. Her family name has been engraved into the minds of all our agents, her very family is the foundation of our organization. Please, welcome the granddaughter of our founder, Peggy Carter – Y/N Carter!”

There was a big round of applause as a young woman walked up the stage, but all Bucky could think of was how funny it was you shared the same name as the granddaughter of Peggy. Before he could make out a face though, there was a loud thud. Within seconds, there was shattered glass, terrified screams, and the sound of guns being loaded. Bucky had instinctively thrown himself onto the ground, as well as Sharon and Steve. Sharing the same panicked and frantic look, they all whispered one thing: “Protect Y/N.”