#and of course my shitty body
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I just spent about a week babysitting my niece and I'm EXHAUSTED and in a ton of pain, but I miss her already LMAO
#i took a pic of her holding my hand and smiling at me and i cant stop looking at it and wanting to cry LOL#she's such a sweetheart and i think she really loves me 🥺🥺🥺 we're buddies 🥺🥺🥺#but my god do i hurt lmao#between my brother's house having too many stairs and me having to use an air mattress#and her being 15 lbs now and having to rock her to get her to sleep#and of course my shitty body#i am DEAD#i will be spending the next few days dead and recovering LMAO#becca babbles
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I know we as a society have about a hundred million bigger fish to fry right now but I hope at some point within my lifetime we get around to fixing the absolute hellscape that is the women's clothes sizing system
#ruth o'brien i am in your walls#shitty ass data that is Still screwing us over today#that and vanity sizing.#What size am I? Beats me. In this top I'm a small. In those pants I'm a medium.#take both sizes to the dressing room for a higher chance of success and sometimes NEITHER of them fit#there is no standard. literally none. it varies from brand to brand.#and of course the lack of body inclusivity is a huge problem also. I'm just mad abt my personal shopping frustrations
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eusgahhhhh goddddd the lazy urge to just beg the internet to mansplain killer's lore to me in baby talk so i can finally GET IT and then the other less appealing urge to actually do an analysis on him so i can form my own opinion and observations. fucj
#im so tired maaaan eudgahhhhhh#i need to come up with more asks to ask people#because apparently i want to do that now. whats wrong with you brain why do you want this#im so TIRED i could EAT a WHALE!#i need to DO IT. I NEED TO ACTUALLY DO A FUCKING KILLER ANALYSIS ITS BEEN TOO LONG#thanksgiving break is coming up will that be enough for me to want to study him with my magnifying glass#this feels like sans and papyrus are the energy controlling angel and demons on my shoulders#speaking of classic undertale this has actually nothing to do with undertale LMAO#but i can just imagine myself as chara in the murder time trio fangame fight#aaaahahahahahaha horror would be so maaad <33333 i DID just destroy his entire au after all :333#and dust would be FURIOUS!!! BOTH OF THEM!!!! SO PISSED AT ME!!!!#i just took away one's place of achieving a goal and another's place of demented comfort#yeaaaah those two would be SO pissed heehehehehehe#horror never gets to have his potential happy ending because i took it away#dust never gets to honor all those he killed and put an end to what he did because of ME#the murder time trio fangame concept is SO underrated guys. touken-kamui's mtt is AMAZING#and because i look like a chara of course killer's got an entire internal conflict going on#FUCK alright sure. unsure of where this thought process will lead but we ball. me when thinking about anything killer related (i am unsure)#ANOTHER fucking chara messed up his life eruaghhhh and to make things worse they dont even seem to LIKE something new#touken-kamui's chara seems to be a megalomaniac instead of a shitty sadistic scientist#i would look so similar to the one that he doesn't know if he hates or not#should he fight alongside these 2 strangers or should he submit like he always did to his chara. to this NEW chara???#and this is all just assuming this is that 1 ending where killer kills chara and hasnt met nm yet (my favorite ending)#EFUAGH!!!! would killer stay back after the first few minutes. let dust and horror fight in steed of him as he deals w this#the two would be SO annoyed at him too. at this point if i wasn't there they'd probably kill eachother. or killer#well killer can't save or reset in the judgement hall that we got sucked into#so he actually has to put some value to his body and life if he wants to fight me#SEE WHAT I MEAN TOUKEN-KAMUI'S MURDER TIME TRIO IS AWESOME!!!!!#tricule rant#this got totally off topic from what the post was about but i should do it
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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character belongs to @cecameron
#wimp witch#wimpwitch#wimp witch wink#wink#wink wimp witch#indie comics#indie comic#fanart#fan art#he deserves it#hes just like me frfr#iv been thinking about this character a lot#idk what the artist does with him in the future but MAN a shitty insecure dude who chances bodies like 3 times in the course of the comic???#shooting him with my transgender gun i hope he finds swlf love :) and a good fuck :)
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'live up to your name' au where og knight of blood and iron javier gets "killed" in the middle of the plot but instead of dying he's transported to modern south korea, waking up in a random alleyway with no injuries whatsoever. and because he's a protagonist no matter what universe he is in, despite being deeply disoriented and confused when he sees a group of thugs harassing a guy he steps in and chases them off with no problem and barely any mention of cutting off limbs. and then after making sure the guy is okay he very sheepishly asks him if he could please help him because he was lost and had no idea of where he was or how he got there
and kim suho who just saw a gorgeous but obviously foreign stranger in awesome cosplay chase off his would be muggers with what looked like a real ass sword and is currently high and smitten in "oh thank god i didn't get my week's work salary stolen" endorphins and is about to have the weirdest week of his life innocently says "yes of course"
#i talk a lot <3#tged#the greatest estate developer#og javier asrahan#kim suho#listen i just need javier to be the fish out of water in modern south korea so badly my heart aches for it#of course as time goes on suho goes from believing javier is just a very in-character cosplayer to thinking he just found someone#having a very bad mental breakdown lol#but the guy Did save him and he thinks it would be a shitty move on his part to leave him to his own devices when he's clearly not well#so despite this being more than what he signed up for he decides to keep trying help him even if his help does switch from trying to locate#his hotel and maybe a group of friends if they're lucky to trying to corral him into going to a hospital or a police station where they can#find who this guy really is and why the fuck does he believe he's javier asrahan protagonist of his latest favorite novel#of course that all goes out of the window when by pure chance and a healthy dose of bad luck suho almost gets run over by dear truck-kun#and when javier shields him with his own body they find themselves back in lorasia. in the middle of the plot. the very tragic#very action filled very dangerous plot#still figuring out the later details but it would definitely involve a couple more switches between universes#and the subsequent adapting to a different world than your own shenanigans
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I hate the fact that I exist
I swear it would be better for everyone if I never did
#The last two days have been shit and I am just done with it#I also physically can't even cry about it cause my body refuses to make tears#Im a shit person who doesn't deserve to cry over it though#Im a shitty friend#Shitty sibling#Shitty child#Shitty cousin#Shitty student#I don't know why people put up with me#Im probably right about everyone hating me cause if I hate me why wouldn't they#Im also not letting myself listen to joker out or jann or any songs i really like so I don't associate them with feeling this shit later#Its all my fucking fault that I can't keep a friend for more than a year#Im gonna die alone#Friendless and familyless#I fucking deserve to#Im also shit at everything I try#I suck at bass#I suck at art#Singing too#School stuff isn't good either#Im going nowhere in life#Im gonna fail all my gcses#Then not be able to do a levels or any courses I want to do then I'm gonna end up homeless cause my dad will kick me out for being queer#Probably
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Totally fucked up the order, so am now attempting to recreate it from the pictures that i took of each warp on the board, with the hopes that the 3rd warp will at least be well behaved. If it isnt im gonna need to do another round of towels (or maybe just a test warp) bc i cant be doing this on the blanket commission. Am very very aware of how tangled this warp will be. Only potential saving grace is that imo cotton doesnt tangle anywhere near as badly as wool, so hopefully it wont be too horribly bad.
It is going, though. About halfway done dressing the heddles. Next will be sleying the reed. Hoping to get all the warping done by tomorrow.
#plagued by my fucked up meatsuit as always#left hip is dislocated seemingly for the next long while bc when i dont use the crutches i have to walk with my right foot on tip toes#to avoid putting weight on the puncture wound#and my hip does not like this height difference very much#left knee all sorts of befucked bc when i do use the crutches its taking the weight of me essentially crashing from step to step#right foot is very swollen and painful. basically just cant move around w/o lots of pain#also have a migraine and the meds are making me so so sick as always#usually i pace to make myself feel better but of course i cannot#on top of this i also have a cold#no energy whole body is pain and nausea and cant go anywhere without blinding agony#definitely won some kind of shitty lottery#and yet i weave ! or at least i warp. badly#weaving#chronic illness#injury
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"Why does misandry exist :(((( poor men omg they're human too they deserve happiness-" literally shut the fuck up. I'll believe misandry is real the day you can show me a feral child as well known and famous as Genie who was made that way by a woman.
Go on. Don't google your answer. You don't know any, right?
#i say this with my whole body#MEN AINT SHIT#they deserve every bit of whatever they get#shitty mental health lonliness whatever it is#bc of COURSE it was a man who isolated that child#beat her and treated her like an animal#until she was THIRTEEN#misandry is ok and fun and we need more of it#men die faster challenge#radfem safe#radfems do touch#radfems do interact#radfem#radfems please touch
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#brother i am convinced i was not built to be alive#i was supposed to die at 16 of appendicitis the way god intended#everything is so stressful and i have an anxiety disorder and high blood pressure and zero support from anyone in my life#just me and my shitty trembling body against the world#ive been shaking and my hearts been racing and my vision has been blurry all day#im the only motherfucker here who bothers to clean or do anything to improve our living situation#ive been battling this flea infestation alone for months now#trying to get everyone to play ball long enough to flea bomb the house today was life on insane mode i am convinced#i had to bribe everyone into leaving by 11am by handing over my bank card so they could buy snacks while i went to my dr appointment#of course all the cleaning pre-bombing was done by me#i asked my sister to tidy her room and she did not so like whatever. if the flea bomb dodnt work in there like what do i even do#she actually waited until id cleaned every other fucking room in the house and then made MORE mess in those rooms#i asked my mother to do 2 things#she did neither of course <3#im so tired and in pain#and im pretty sure we are still going to have fleas anyway#im just one disabled man#i cant keep house for 5 other grown adults#what do i even pay my parents housekeeping for anyway?#dogbunni diary log
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Literally every medical expert ever: NEVER EAT RIGHT BEFORE GOING TO BED!!! If you eat anything right before going to sleep your organs will EXPLODE and you will DIE!!!
My body if I don’t eat anything within two hours before trying to go to sleep: oh? Fuck me? Well fuck you too I’m going to create a new kind of hunger so fucked up that you will never sleep again you miserable wench
#yeah so I just got one singular hour of sleep because I went to bed without eating 🙃#I mean I had dinner of course but#I swear to GOD if I don’t have a piece of toast or cereal or something before going to bed#my body turns into an angry toddler that wants me dead#but nooooo if I eat in front of my mom late at night she’ll make a bunch of shitty comments#and if I get upset she’s like ‘I’m just trying to help!!! 🥺’#so now I’m running on one hour of sleep and I have a bunch of shit going on today. fun.#time to drink a shit ton of coffee and hope for the best#just me things#text post#delete later
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imagine posting on the same platform that The Actors post on. disgusting
#those men are NOT welcome in my house#with its myriad portraits and sculptures of their naked bodies#I’m not trying to swat away their shitty tweets while I’m in the middle of ******* ***#< metaphorically of course
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Who was gonna tell me that reading is fun sometimes
#I will bring shame to my eight year old self NO MORE!!!! I LIKE READING AGAIN!! YIPPEE!!!#I think I seriously enjoy reading about the brain and body and trauma like it’s so strange to spend two hours laying in bed with a book but#it’s so nice#I really enjoyed science growing up even into high school I just didn’t have the patience or motivation to finish essays#and my freshman year science teacher got fired halfway thru the year after they found out she didn’t have a teaching license and then my#class got split up into an advanced science teachers class who was way ahead of everything we had learned and then I hated the class and#science in general then in sophomore year I had another shitty teacher who didn’t care about teaching and I literally would find recourses#and send them to the teacher to put on the projector and then I would talk thru the resource that’s fucking real I literally had class#periods where I TAUGHT my sophomore year science class. GAHHHH I still get so bad at that fucking teacher I don’t even remember her name but#she pissed me off so bad cause she paired me with the two guys who always made fun of me just bc I was smart and they were annoying. anyways#depression and adhd and boredom happened and I almost failed that class but still passed in the end and then in junior year during covid#I was taking a biology class and an anatomy class that was supposed to be seniors (seniors did the advanced class and they offered regular#class to select juniors) and I ended up being the ONLY junior who wasn’t doing the advanced course. like. everyone else got assignments and#I had to ask hey what’s the easy version of that assignment cause I’m technically in the easy class even tho we’re in the same class period#and then Covid and I stopped caring at all about anhthing and then dropped out of school and moved down the entire coast so yknow.#I never stood a chance at being good at science but I’m realizing I might actually be passionate about it cause I have been since I was#little I just kind of ignored it and forgot but like. for one birthday I got a telescope and for one Christmas I got a microscope. like it’s#well known to everyone but me that I like science apparently oh my god what’s wrong with my brain !!!! anyways.#I like science now it’s weird to feel passionate about learning I haven’t done that in a long time#oh my god when I took my GED test my highest score was in SCIENCE AND NOT ENGLISH#THIS IS ALL SO OBVIOUS I LOVE SCIENCE WHY AM I NOT DOING SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE RELATED TO SCIENCE
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really fucks me up how much i've been told that visibly showing symptoms of depression is inherently abusive
#cw abuse#cw suicide#cw self harm#currently we don't struggle with depression as much as we did in the past#we're at a point now where it wouldn't be a danger to us really at all#but i remember how much in high school i would refuse to tell people how i felt and what i wanted to do#because i was legitimately told repeatedly that telling someone else that you wanted to commit suicide was abusive#or that harming yourself was inherently abusive to those around you#not just in terms of things like 'if you don't do X i will harm myself' which can definitely be abuse#but just. overall. in general. for any reason.#which didn't make me want to STOP hurting myself. it did the fucking opposite#it made me isolate myself just to do that which in turn only fucked me up more#and it made me feel like i *should* get rid of myself because then that'd guarantee i wouldn't hurt people more#and even now i still feel like. crippling guilt over the fact that i ever even did those things in the first place#not to mention other headmates that don't hold body memories but still having similar exomemories also being fucked up by guilt#when literally we were not in full control of our thoughts or actions we were fucking mentally ill#our circumstances were horrible and people were hurting us simply because we expressed the fact that we were hurt in the first place#we were literally treated like telling someone 'hey i think i might harm myself can you help me to not do that' was abuse#and of course the shitty ex that i was with at the time decided to make it worse in her own fun ways too#so like everyone i asked for help just made it worse so i never ended up getting help until my mental health fully and absolutely collapsed#simply because. i was told. that my own mental illness hurt other people more than me#because their annoyance at me being sad was a higher priority than. you know. such overwhelming despair that i didnt want to live.
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I'm so. Angry.
#day musings#Stupidfucking.#I knew better than to put it out into the world#“Want to stay home” now I have to#rant#personal rant#And it's not.#It's not even about /them/#I mean. Yeah. Would it be nice to see my jf#of course#But I wanted to see my friends#I wanted to hangout on a longish car ride#One friend is leaving the state this week for gods knows how long#It's been a shitty fucking week and I wanted to be with my friends#and I don't get to now#Because of a stupid fucking fever#So I am upset and angry#so fucking angry at my stupid body#and myself for clearly doing something yesterday#that meant a fever today
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y'know, I'm chill with other people smoking/vaping/etc. it's absolutely not good for you, but bodily autonomy is a thing for a reason, we all only live once, some people find that it helps with other issues etc. etc. it's like doing just about anything that's bad for you, which is, you know, a lot of things. not getting enough sleep is bad. eating too much processed food is bad. hell, just sitting on our phones all the time is awful for us.
what absolutely pisses me off--what makes me want to shake people by the shoulders--is everyone who does it in an indoor space where others live without asking if it's okay. because here's the thing: when you smoke by yourself, you consent to all the stuff it'll do to you.
but. everyone else? did not consent to the culprit fucking up their body. it's the equivalent of punching them repeatedly in the jaw. except that is, at least, blatant, immediate pain. secondhand/thirdhand smoke and vape? that is fucking insidious. that's carcinogens, and chemicals that sit and build up inside your body, slowly but surely screwing you over. it may be decades until the consequences unfold. or it might only be a few months, if you're sensitive to it. might make everyone in the house feel sick within a day or two, if they're sensitive at all. and, of course, there's everyone with asthma and other chronic conditions for whom this becomes even worse, for whom it does not merely irritate but suffocates.
back when we didn't know how bad cigarettes could fuck us up--back then, there was an excuse. but now? now everyone knows what this shit does. hell, plenty of us have family members who died of lung cancer. so there is no excuse, now. now, you know you're hurting people when you do it, that every poisonous puff is worming its way oh so slowly into everyone else's cells, bodies, lungs, blood.
some people struggle with addiction. I'm not targeting that. sometimes you know how bad a thing is, and you do everything you can to stop, and you just can't. (doesn't make you less culpable--but it isn't all carelessness, at that point.) I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about all the damn generation Z people (my peers) I run into lately who display a ridiculous lack of caring for others' health. and you know, I'm just... impressed, really. at how anyone can justify that to themself. at how you could possibly call yourself a good person and still do that.
our generation grew up with endless, endless messages explaining exactly what cigarettes do to us, exactly why we needed to avoid secondhand smoke like the plague it is. I know kids of smokers who deal with the ramifications of it even now. how the hell, how the living bloody hell, could you possibly learn all of that, know people who went through that, and still justify exposing other people without a care in the damn world?
#synapse talks#synapse rants#tl;dr my neighbors and possibly one of my housemates are careless assholes who are directly violating the lease#and I am really REALLY pissed off that people just clearly DO NOT GIVE A SHIT about how their actions affect others#also! that DECADES of education still have not hammered through people's thick fucking skulls how deadly smoking is.#and again I reiterate: it's fine when you make the choice for yourself (mostly). but you. do. NOT. get to do that for others.#you can crash your own car if you want. you DO not get to run over everyone else along the fucking way.#(also there's the minor detail that in the USA! the more medical problems people have from smoking! the more insurance pays out!#and the more insurance pays out! the HIGHER THE RATES GO FOR EVERYONE ELSE!#so actually people intentionally doing things that are bad for their bodies DOES harm everyone else directly. but to be fair here#that's a. capitalism for you (although it still applies re: damaging the economy in any society because you're spending resources#on healthcare for something that was fully preventable)#and b. again: we're all making choices that fuck up our bodies all the time so it's nothing new really. just. this one is#particularly preventable. but between shitty companies pushing addictive substances and culture and peer pressure#and of course self-medicating--that is a much deeper problem that doesn't just involve people's individual one-off choices.)
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