#and now they're in some weird order even though i told it to sort by date

[robo-dino-puppy]

terrors of the old world

[luveline]

hi jade! I just want to preface this by saying I hope you’re having a good day. I noticed that you were hoping for some hotch requests and I figured I would send one in. if this is too vague or you just don’t feel inspired I completely understand, but maybe you could do something with a stressed hotch getting a little short with reader? he could be on edge because of a high pressure case, or something along those lines! nothing too angsty just some hurt/comfort, heavy on the comfort towards the end if you like! (p.s. I personally love all the eddie and roan as of late, so don’t let anyone make you feel obligated to write for characters you don’t want to.) <3 -w

hi! that is so so kind!! and please don't worry I feel no obligation for that, honestly!!<3 grumpy hotch x fem!reader

Hotch is in his office, like always. If you can't see him, you only ever need one guess as to where he is. And you haven't seen him for a few days now, which is weird and unlike him. When he's in your home state, he makes an effort to see you, to dote on you. 

You take his stairs slowly. Hotch will know it's you before you so much as knock on his office door. He has a hypervigilance that doesn't switch off —he could probably guess who it was by the sound of your breathing. 

"Hotch?" you ask, knocking his door for politeness' sake. 

He looks up for a split-second and not a moment longer. You're disappointed at his lack of reaction. How many times has he come home from wherever it is he's flown off to and hugged you hard enough to crack your spine? And, what? He doesn't like you anymore? What sort of reaction is that? 

"Um, I texted you. That I was coming by. Did you see?" you ask. 

"I've been preoccupied," he says, staring hard at the papers on his desk. He doesn't sound like himself. 

"It's been, like, four days since I've seen you. Since you've seen me. You don't wanna even look at me?" you ask. You wish it had come out softly, sweetly, but his behaviour (or lack of) has caught you by surprise. You sound as wounded as you feel. 

"If you'd looked at my text, you'd see that I'm busy," he snaps. 

Your lips part in silent shock. You drop your hand from the doorway where it had been resting and take a half step backwards and out of his office. Your movement draws his attention, and he finally sees the look on your face. 

"Are you serious?" you ask. 

He exhales bodily. "No." Hotch closes the folder. "No, I didn't mean that." 

You hover awkwardly. Truth be told, you want to run away from the situation entirely, unused to him being anything but kind. You'd like to turn around and leave before you can further embarrass yourself by showing your affection and having it rejected. He's caught you so off guard. 

"Come in, please. I do want to see you." 

You step inside and close the door behind you. It takes a gap of silence for you to decide on where you're going to stand, but eventually you round his desk and lean against it, forcing him to push his chair back in order to be face to face. 

"Is it a bad one?" you ask. 

He nods. "Right here in Quantico." 

You look at his shoulder rather than his face, worried you'll find more vehemence in his expression. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. And I did read your text, I know you're busy, but busy doesn't tell me if you ate recently, or if you're tired, and those are the kind of things I worry about." You meet his eyes. They're always sombre, but affection softens his brow. You put your hands between your thighs to stop from touching him. "I worry about you, Aaron." 

He must know what you're doing. Tentative, as though worried he's overstepping, Hotch pulls one of your hands into his. He has very big hands, and they dwarf yours near completely when he sandwiches them together. 

"Don't think I didn't hear you, when you first came in," he says. "Hotch, you called me." 

"That's your name." 

He looks you straight in the eye, unabashed. Love lines his face, and apology, his lips curving slowly upwards in an uncommon smile. "Not to you," he murmurs. 

You're still mad at him for being snippy, but the relief of his fondness can't be understated. Your shoulders sag as you relax, your posture arching forward. Hotch leans upward so he can align your faces. If either of you moved an inch, you could kiss. 

"I spoke to you out of turn because I'm stressed. You didn't deserve it. I'm sorry. And I'm grateful to have you looking out for me." His smile abates. "It won't happen again." 

"It won't?" you ask. 

"I'll try my best not to let it." 

You swallow and lean down like you might kiss him, but in actuality you need a second to collect your thoughts. You try to be objective like he is, and it never works. 

Eyes closed, you say, "You've never snapped at me before." 

"I have no reason to." 

When he speaks, it's warm against your cheek. Hotch pulls your arm in a kind encouragement toward him and you follow blindly, setting as much of your weight as you trust him to take on his thigh. He wraps an arm around your back. His lips touch your forehead. 

"Sorry," he says again, rubbing your back. 

"It's not a big deal," you say. 

"I upset you. You weren't expecting it from me. It makes sense for you to feel disappointed." 

"It's not that," you say, thumbing his tie, anything to keep your fidgeting hands busy. "I'm being silly." 

"You're not." 

You're positioned in a twist on his lap, your leftmost ribs to his stomach. He hugs you to his chest and closes the gap between you, his arm encircling you, his hand stretches out across the space under your breasts. It's a comforting, all-encompassing hold. You basically collapse into him, hands desperate at his sides. 

"I missed you," you confess. 

"I miss you," he says, "I'm sorry for being mean." The hand that isn't stretched out across your front appears. He traces your face with two fingertips from the corner of your eye to your jaw, like he's following the path of an invisible tear. His hand flattens, his marriage and pinky finger weave behind your ear, and his thumb pulls at the corner of your mouth. It's so gentle you question if he's even touching you at all. 

He lifts your face to his and kisses you softly. 

"You're not mean," you whisper. "Just grumpy." 

He huffs a laugh through his nose. "Very grumpy. But two minutes with you is enough to make me feel better." 

You hum, "Mm, you're just saying that 'cos you're still in the doghouse, Hotchner." 

His hand falls to your lap. It isn't especially sexual, more intimate than anything as he eases your legs apart to squeeze the soft fat of your thigh. 

"You won't win me over that easily," you say. 

He smiles at you. "No, I don't think I will." There's a secret promise hiding between his words. 

[invidiia]

love your writing! general yan chuuya + akutagawa hcs?

❐ - yandere!chuuya and yandere!akutagawa (separate) headcanons

note ; did yall see brian's (akutagawa's eng va) tiktok??? he's finding all the weird shit we've said, speaking for the fandom at least 😭i lowkey feel so bad for him LMAO. but i should say thIs now, if anyone who voices the bsd characters finds these posts i will literally disappear and probs cry myself to sleep for the rest of the month. other note? WHOEVERS MAKING THE SUBMARINE X BSD FICS ON AO3 PLS STOP BC I CANNOT BREATHEEE

prompt ; general yandere headcanons for ryuunosuke akutagawa and chuuya nakahara (both separately)

warnings ; yandere themes, kidnapping, murder, drugging, stalking, obsession, guilt tripping

masterlist - rules - previous

CHUUYA NAKAHARA ;

chuuya is incredibly overprotective. this man has awful trust issues - being betrayed by the people he cared so much for in his past, he just can't risk anything this time.

he's constantly keeping an eye on you, even before he can admit to himself that he loves you. but after he confessed, he understood why he wanted to protect you so much, even if it took time to come to terms with that fact.

if you rejected him, then he tries to tell himself that he would get over it, and that he's been betrayed so much, so why be so upset over simple rejection? you even let him off easy, so there was no reason to be so sad, right? you were still friends.

but chuuya was still upset. his love, no, obsession, didn't go away. he convinced himself it took time to get over something like this, so he took a month doing things to get you off his mind.. but he just couldn't. every single thing reminded you of him, nothing could take you out of his head.

he came to terms with the fact that you just didn't love him, but he didn't care. chuuya knew he was obsessed, and between removing anything that reminds him of you and seeing other people, nothing was working.

so chuuya did what he thought would be best at this point - not to mention, it wasn't his first option, - kidnapping you. being in the port mafia, it especially wasn't difficult to get a hold of some kind of sedative, or any drug for that matter.

obiviously, he didn't want to do this. chuuya could try to convince himself it was for your protection and not his own muse, but it didn't stop the fact you were basically his now. at first. he'll tell himself not to hurt anyone for you, but the moment you're in public, and another man walks up to you and begins to ask for your number, he's already snatching you away without thinking.

chuuya is definitely the type to give you gifts upon gifts, putting money to good use as an apology to you. but even though you tell him the best apology gift would be to let you go, he just gives you something else. you want to go back to your own house? maybe one day, but do you want a dog? they're better company that being by yourself all the time.

he understands you. he knows you want to be free, because he knows what it's like. but chuuya can't just let you go. he's lost so many people, he doesn't want to lose you, too.

RYUUNOSUKE AKUTAGAWA ;

akutagawa will avoid you.

upon meeting, he just thought you were just too bright for him. the man knew he was no good.

he doesn't want to corrupt you, therefore, he stayed away.. but akutagawa found himself following you everywhere. maybe he wanted to protect you of some sort, keeping himself hidden until a weird individual cornered you in an alleyway. thirty seconds later, a dark, black monster thing of some sort that slammed the other into the brick wall next to you. the next thing you saw was a glimpse of a tall man in a coat walking away. you thought it'd be the last of it, but no.

akutagawa spends time stalking you, from picking up objects you dropped after conveniently being there, to putting a knife to the throat of the person who got your coffee order wrong. you told them you were allergic to that specific ingredient, were they TRYING to kill you?

it takes akutagawa so long to even bring himself to talk to you. a simple 'hello' takes hours of looking at himself in the mirror and saying it to make sure he doesn't screw it up and look weird while he actually says it. (same aku, same.)

he'll do anything for you. you could ask him for anything, he'd go get it just because you asked. akutagawa doesn't care if it hurts him, or other people, he craves your love and validation, and reassurance that you don't hate him.

at first, he denies how much he wants you, he tries to tell himself that he needs nobody, especially not you, not someone he needed. but akutagawa could barely run from it, he was so obsessed. he will continue to deny his feelings, but it doesn't stop you.

if you try to run from him, he'll remind you why you're even alive in the first place. if it weren't for him, you would have been dead in an alleyway forever ago. nobody would have saved you that time. who else would treat you the way he does?

[ikamigami]

I believe what Dark Sun told Foxy is true.

Maybe it's because of what he said about our Sun not surviving..

This.. I think that this cements it for me that Dark Sun isn't actually that bad.

I mean I think that he's not telling the full truth when he says that he only cares about his own ass.

Cause I think that he cares about something here. In our dimension. Or maybe about someone?

It might be just my wishful thinking but what if Dark Sun feels some kind of sentiment towards our Sun?

Cause when he was watching a bits from the channel it seemed to me as if he saw there something that he maybe wanted to be with his Moon or maybe he just in our Sun something he lost after all these times Moon refused to cooperate..

We were wondering on Discord when I still was active there how Dark Sun would feel about our Sun if he met him.

We didn't have them meeting each other and while Dark Sun didn't state that he hates our Sun for being a punching bag or that he feels a bit sympathetic towards him or that he doesn't care about him at all.. I feel like those little bits show that Dark Sun might actually feel sorry for our Sun.

I mean cause look, he told Moon that he should be worried about Sun and let him know where Sun is.. even though he could just simply say for example "don't worry about your dear Sun, check the lighthouse".. but he didn't. He said "you should be worried about Sun.."

And when Dark Sun was counting people who could built Eclipse - people who knows how to copy paste a personality - and he made a weird pause when he said Sun's name.. people thought that Sun is actually the one who is working with Ruin and helped him bring Eclipse back. But I think that Dark Sun hesitated because of how much our Sun doesn't believe in his own smarts. Sun can copy paste a personality - he did that with Moon's computer.. but remember how he said that it was just dumb luck?

And Dark Sun also said that Sun won't survive the aftermath of Ruin's "thanos' snap thing"..

And him watching their channel - he only later went to the episode with Ruin's interrogation - he was watching one of the games at first..

Doesn't it all seems odd to you? Why Dark Sun would be like that towards our Sun who "failed" in every way Dark Sun didn't?

Shouldn't he be angry at our Sun for being a doormat to everyone? For not being able to stand up for himself? Not being able to speak his mind to Moon?

Does Dark Sun might actually feel sorry for our Sun?

Maybe, and it might be my wishful thinking once again, Dark Sun isn't angry at our Sun because he.. gaah I can't find the right word xp..

Maybe Dark Sun admires, is sentimental about Sun's kindness?

I can't word it out how I want for the love of all that exist QwQ

What I mean is that Sun has this kindness and lots of empathy which is what Dark Sun lost. And I think that maybe Dark Sun feels some sort of grief.. for lack of better word.. it's like he's grieving who he was.

Cause like many people speculated me included that Dark Sun just became so cold, distant and emotionally detached to be able to stay on his ground, to be able to cut off the toxic people from his life - Moon literally and creator and Stitchwraith got killed. He has his peace but at what cost?

I think that our Sun is for Dark Sun a bitter-sweet reminder of what he had to sacrifice in order to achieve his peaceful life. I think that our Sun reminds Dark Sun of how he used to be as if he was looking at his younger self.

You know what I mean? It's similar to when you see yourself in someone else and you see all those aspects of you that were sweet but they're gone and you're not like that anymore. And you can't help it but to feel sympathy towards that person.

I think that the same is with Dark Sun. I think that he feels a little bit of sympathy towards our Sun because of how Sun is still kind and compassionate and forgiving. And Dark Sun used to be like that as well. And now he looks at Sun and can't help but to feel sympathy towards him. And he can't help but to feel sorry for Sun because of how much Sun struggles all because of his kind heart.

And because Dark Sun has a star - and interdimensional star at that - he probably saw things from future and he saw that Sun will try to do something to himself. Or that's what I think is the case.

I might be wrong but for me it can't be a coincidence with the way Dark Sun is whenver he mentions our Sun.

And that's why I think that he might want to try to prevent this from happening. But will he be successfull? Will he be able to convince others to listen to him?

We shall see. I can't wait to see what showrunners have in store for us.

At the end I'll say that I'm really happy to see that Foxy tries to do better as a father of FC this time and that he took FC with him to try and if kid can help with anything awwwww 💗

Also I wonder what are they doing wrong with the way they're trying to bring Solar back.. maybe they need Eclipse's help? Hmmm..

Either way something interesting will happen on April 8th to say the least.. I can feel it.

[slavic-roots-western-mind]

Life in China Observations #4

It's been a while since I last did this, so let's go again!

Identity is complicated The question "where are you from" can be just as complicated as it is simple. For many people, their country of birth is where they're from, which is usually the case here. However, if you happen to be born in country A to parents from cultures B and C, immigrated and became a citizen of country D and now attend university in country E and are now on an exchange program in China, the question "where are you from" is not that easily answered. From what some of my friends told me, where you're from is actually the place where your dad was born in even though you may have been born in a different city which is a pretty interesting concept known as the "ancestral home" - 祖籍 (zǔjí) or 籍贯 (jígùan).

You have to make the first step I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but people are constantly doing something and unless you specifically and intentionally reach out and work on your friendship, you may end up drifting apart. Maybe this is a specific thing, but back home I could go a few weeks without really reaching out to my friends and then someone would suggest grabbing lunch together and it would be like no time had passed at all since we last saw each other. Here? Quite different.

Beauty and pop trends There are all sorts of weird and wonderful trends that you can come across in China. From using bread as a study tactic to decorating your workplace with banana plants, I feel like the more I assimilate here, the bigger the reverse culture shock will be when I go back home, and not just for me. dr.candiselin covers some of these trends on Instagram (not a promo post!), and I recommend checking out her content, it's quite brilliant.

Taobao You can buy anything on taobao. Literally. I saw someone selling a house there. I was previously a little shocked to see animals such as cats and bunnies being sold, but after seeing houses and cars being sold I honestly don't know what else is there to surprise me with.

Prepare in advance (foodwise) for the lunar new year During those 8-12ish days during the holdiays a lot of stores were closed. The convenience store outside my campus was open thank God, because otherwise I would have been living on instant porridge and instant soup which was my main food source 2 weeks prior due to being ill and there is only so much instant oatmeal that you can eat before slightly losing it.

Being ill is a nightmare And I mean the mandatory-bed-rest-no-going-out-for-at-least-5-days ill kind. You need to go to the hospital or a clinic to get a note to give to your school otherwise the day's you're absent will be counted, and once they reach a specific percentage you won't be allowed to take the exam (which can seriously mess with your grades, even more if you're there as an exchange student).

The weather can change at the blink of an eye I remember back in December the weather was in the negative digits and then suddenly the next day it was around 20 celcius?? The very next day it went to 3-4, and even now in March it's very all over the place. The weather forecast is not that useful because I'll leave the dorms wearing my coat in the morning only to return carrying my coat, jumper, long-sleeved shirt and wearing only my t-shirt.

More affordable beauty products I saw some products go for around $80 online?? And here on Taobao they cost under $10? I'm assuming it's the shipping costs that drive up the price so drastically, and now I'm pondering whether it would be cheaper to order online or to travel to China every couple of years just to stock up on beauty products.

[quietbluejay]

Pharos 2

RETURN OF THE KING

to become one with the pharos, one must learn to discard the fear of looking ridiculous also lmao the mental image wow that was the wrong thing to say, Dantioch it appears social skills are passed down in the geneseed well at least they sorted it out it's shocking to see competence in interpersonal relationships in a warhammer novel, I tell you

🙃

oh great torture time oh okay only a little torture phew this is darkly funny

don't make it weird, Skraivok

sdfkjshfdl uzumaki no wait enigma of amigara fault aw i like these guys hope nothing bad happens to them

Haley really knows how chronic pain works

huh anyways i am greatly enjoying the polux dantioch friendship which is finally being shown not told though im still disappointed we didn't see how they became besties Abnett should have put a bit more words in there

i think this is possibly the healthiest relationship i've run across in the entire black library corpus we love to see it actually wait i need to make a joke about this straining my SOD an iron warrior??? with actual self-knowledge??? apologizing???? must be fake

fun

the one man in the entire galaxy who has found a sunlamp and is getting a cure for his vitamin d deficiency

…i wonder if the servitors also are affected by the Pharos

but also like i never thought i'd be. jealous of a warhammer character is dantioch life goals or wife (?) goals

i do enjoy the ultramarines joking around about making dramatic speeches

sentences you never expect to hear from an ultramarine

ah, ultramarines

THEYRE NOT TREES THEN YOU HAVE BEEN LYING TO ME WHY ARE YOU CALLING THEM TREES they're some kind of grass, clearly like they wouldnt even look like trees no branches are described they would just look like tall grass aughhhhhhhhh i am unreasonably irked

sounds like a riveting job im sorry ill see myself out

you know if i had a nickel for every time characters were stripped naked and attached to a wall in a warhammer novel i'd have too many nickels

this is an incredible mental image

I love this aaah time for the traumatized civilians

yeah it's the same but it's not the same The Ultramarines are very good at just following orders

anyways anyone who thinks Haley is pro-Imperium can't read

man I do have to say, in a warhammer novel, there's a level of genuine suspense as to whether or not characters will die that you don't get elsewhere i mean aside from Plot Armoured Dudes

i want to see this outtake Mericus and an Ultramarine chilling in a bar yooo they did successfully save the ultramarine Mericus is one of the most unambiguously heroic figures I've run across here oh hey Guilliman has shown up

gahhhh he's leeroy jenkinsing again

THANK YOU DANTIOCH dantioch for mvp once again

and now we cut to Corvo (lol) who likes reading stories

and I hit image limit so I'll do the Sanguinius and Guilliman scene next time!

[treacheryinblue]

Chapter 3/?

× Elysium (noun) : a place or condition of ideal happiness. type of: fictitious place, imaginary place, mythical place.

Word Count: 9.3k

Masterlist

A Noah Sebastian x OC Series

× Summary: Noah and his new found (sort of) friend, Persephone, battle the trivial ins and outs of being teenagers in a world that doesn't accept you. They survive together all the way into adulthood - with bouts of loneliness included - where the world is still a fickle bitch.

× Warnings!: language, violence, slowburn, friends to lovers to enemies back to friends, rinse and repeat (not even in that order), eventual smut, sexual themes, etc. Each chapter will have its own set of separate warnings.

× Author Notes: ( 1 ) And there I go again with the too much rambling and making chapters entirely too long. What's the preference when it comes to things like this? ( 2 ) Don't forget that there will be no smut or sexual descriptions while Persephone is still a minor aka anytime before 2016. ( 3 ) Another time jump will be coming up within the next chapter. As I stated before, I'm not trying to dwell too long in the past for them, but my brain always has a way of dragging things out. This may also be the last chapter of Seph as a minor... ◔‿◔

× Chapter Warnings!: language, brief sexual themes

SUMMER OF 2014

FRIDAY AUGUST 1st

NOAH

“Did you guys hear about Persephone?” 

Everyone stared at the dark haired girl - now known as Alexa - after she dropped down into the booth next to Folio, waiting for her to continue. 

“Ya know, after her party last weekend?” 

Christ, if this girl didn't just spit it out. Noah didn't want to hear about Seph, no, but he for some reason felt anxious about whatever was about to be revealed. It already wasn't sitting right with him. 

“Well, her parents apparently came home early because someone cut their security cameras back on to the live setting, and they saw all of it. The people, the alcohol, the huge mess she hadn't been able to get cleaned up yet. It was bad.” 

Alexa was nodding as she spoke, though she was now taking a long pause. They could sense she had more to say, so Noah made a face for her to continue, which she huffed and did. Folio’s new girl was cool and all, but damn did she have a flare for the dramatics. She also had this weird power of knowing everything about everyone. It was a little scary.

“A little birdy told me that Seph then had a masssivveee breakdown. I'm talking a full on freak out. She trashed the place even more, broke some priceless vases her mom had, got blood everywhere because she accidentally cut herself on the glass or some shit. Yeah, it was insane. Something legit right out of a movie.” 

Noah was fighting back the urge to spew his lunch everywhere. His stomach was churning, his insides turning every which way, and there was no end in sight for it. He was avoiding everyone's gaze, instead choosing to stare at a blank spot on the table while processing what Alexa was saying. 

“Who did you hear that from?” Nick spoke up, obviously suspicious of the story. He was the only one who really knew what happened between him, Seph, and Maisie that night, so of course he was going to dig deeper. 

“I shouldn't even be telling anyone this, but my brother was a paramedic at the scene. He said he thinks it was all stress induced, but some people are saying she was on drugs.” 

“No, she didn't do drugs.” Noah shook his head, refusing to believe that rumor. It was clear there was a lot that Seph needed to work on, but he wasn't going to let her name be dragged through the mud over something he knew wasn't true. 

“Drugs, no drugs. Doesn't matter. Her parents sent her away to some facility up state but they're telling people she's spending her senior year studying abroad in Sweden or somewhere posh sounding like that.” 

“That's fucking wild,” Folio sighed while shoving a couple of fries into his mouth. “Pretty bummed I only got to go to one of her parties.”

“Shut up, Folio,” Noah heavily exhaled, his thumb and pointer finger rubbing and digging at his eyes. 

There was a part of him that didn't believe it, or rather didn't want to believe it. But if Alexa's brother was there, then he had to admit that was a pretty reliable source. And after what he saw that night, it was all pretty plausible. 

Fucking hell. 

SPRING TO SUMMER 2015

PERSEPHONE 

Fingertips lightly traced the tiny delicate scars that now scattered across the top and bottom of her hands. There was a point months ago when she was worried about how they would heal, nervous as to whether or not they'd always look red and angry. Thankfully that wasn't the case, for they were small and white, barely noticeable unless you were close enough or already knew they were there. The soles of her feet carried identical scars, all because of the shards of glass she had stupidly walked over. 

“We've still never really talked about why you thought you couldn't seek help or guidance, Persephone.” 

Although she heard the older woman’s question, her eyes remained down on her hands. The same scars she had stared at for days upon days were way more interesting than whatever bullshit she was going to try prying from her today. Only sometimes did she give the woman a bit of information, just to tide her over so she could report to her parents that she was making ‘great progress’. 

“You really want to know?” 

“Well, yes, of course.” 

Slowly nodding, Seph took in a deep breath before dropping her hands into her lap and finally lifting her gaze to the older woman. She held her pen at the ready, fully prepped to scribe down anything of importance she may divulge. 

“I figured there was no point in ever telling people about what was happening inside of me. It was best kept inside, like everything else.” 

“Why did you feel that way?”

Seph shrugged, arms crossing over her chest in a defensive manner. Yep, the woman was right on it with that damned pen too. Of course she was going to take note of her stance. 

“Because people don't want to hear about the difficulties of life coming from someone like me.” 

“Someone like you…what does that mean?”

“You know what it means. You're in my father's pocket, after all.” 

Everyone at this ridiculously irritating place was. The only employee she had become slightly friendly with was a second shift nurse who let her use his phone, but of course for a price. Gross, not like that. He wanted money, just as everyone did. $100 for fifteen minutes. Can you believe that? 

The woman eyed her from across the room. She was waiting for her to continue because obviously her smart ass remark wasn't a sufficient answer. 

“Someone who has the means to do anything and everything. Never a need for anything. Someone who has all of their material wants satisfied. That kind of person.” 

Seph twisted her lips and looked out the wall of windows within the office. God, she couldn't wait to be out of this place. 

“People tend to forget that material items aren't everything, though. At the end of the day, they don't fucking mean anything. I can't talk to a purse. I can't voice my frustrations to a goddamn overpriced car.” 

This made her laugh, the sound of it echoing through the otherwise quiet office. Her therapist didn't seem to find it as funny, but that was okay. She wasn't trying to spit jokes at her anyway. It was all the truth. 

“You don't believe your parents could see that you were struggling? What about your friends?”

Ah, of course the woman was going to try to get all the answers she had been seeking from the beginning. A part of her was starting to think that she didn't really care about how Seph was, she just wanted to know all the gritty and secret details of a man’s family who basically owned her. 

“I didn't have friends, not really. Well…I had one, but he was a new friend. He wasn't ready to learn all of my inner workings.” 

Persephone could tell the woman wanted to dive into this ‘he’, but she wasn't going to give her the opportunity. Noah was not going to become a pawn in her sessions that could be used against her. 

“And my parents were never around, so no, they didn't see a damn thing. It took it literally blowing up in their faces for them to notice.” 

That was enough talking for today. Seph was mentally tired of this gymnastics routine she was forced to partake in multiple times a week, and now all she wanted to do was get the hell out of there. Both the office and the facility as a whole. Though mainly the former right then because it was nearing the time for her to be out a hundred bucks. 

Once she was given the ‘okay’ to call it a day, she couldn't have scurried out fast enough. And like perfect clockwork, Ben was waiting outside of her room, ready to collect. They didn't say anything to each other as he slyly slipped his phone to her, then carried on down the hall until he would circle back fifteen minutes later. 

Seph hid within her bathroom, her body uncomfortably seated within the empty bathtub with the curtain drawn. She didn't know why this is where she felt safest making calls, but it's the one and only place she had done it since her first month there. 

One ring. 

Two rings. 

Three rings.

On the fourth, the call connected and she was able to breathe a sigh of relief. 

“Pom,” he answered without missing a beat, his smile easily heard in his tone. 

“Hey, peach,” she softly spoke, immediately feeling more like herself as soon as she was in friendly company. 

“Did you make all the doctors happy today?” 

Seph snorted out a laugh, rolling her eyes to herself. “Well, I didn't threaten any of them, if that's what you mean.”

“Ah, so progress! That warms my heart.” 

“I think they're going to let me come home soon. Therapist number two was really digging in. But how's things there?”

“If you want to ask about him, then you can.” 

The smile she wore slowly began to fade, her eyes fixated on a random spot of her sweatpants that she had started picking at. 

“No…I mean…is he okay? I'm not going to come home to him having lost a leg or something, right?” 

Nick laughed, and she just knew he was shaking his head. “I can say with absolute certainty that all of his limbs are still intact. A one legged front man would be pretty badass though, yeah?” 

As much as Seph wanted to get lost in thoughts of Noah, she couldn't bring herself to do so right then. She had to save that for those particularly hard moments while she was locked away. 

“Did you tell her?” 

A female voice in the background broke through, followed by a hushed response from Nick that she couldn't make out. There was some shuffling on the other side, then he was heavily sighing before speaking up again. 

“Shit, Seph, I hate to do this…but I don't want you to come home and be blindsided.” 

“You're really freaking me out right now.” 

“Alexa heard that your dad…yeah! I'm getting to it!” Again Nick huffed, and this whole thing being drawn out was literally going to cause her heart to beat out of her chest. 

“She heard that your dad is trying to press charges against Maisie…for the video of you and Noah. Some shit about child pornography, I don't know. Apparently she sent it to her brother, so that's not only possessing, but also distributing.” 

“What the actual fuck, Nick?!” Seph quickly covered her mouth with her hand to muffle her outburst, which allowed her a moment to take a deep breath and count to ten. 

“No…how? How is he going to do that when nothing happened in the video? It was just us kissing and his shirt coming off. Not mine!” 

“I'm not a lawyer, Seph, I don't know. That's just what Alexa heard, so it could hold zero weight.” 

“Does Noah know?” 

“Yeah…apparently your dad also paid him a visit…fuck, I wasn't supposed to tell you that.” 

More hushed voices rambled off in the background. The main one she could make out was from Alexa still, but a new one had been added that caught her off guard.

“Who the hell are you being so secretive with?” 

His voice came through loud and clear this time, so Seph assumed he had lowered the phone to play it off like he wasn't on it. Not very smart, Nick. Not smart at all. 

“Huh? No one. I was just gonna order a pizza.” 

“Nick, you're a terrible liar. What are you doing?”

Seph sunk down further in the bathtub, a hand holding her forehead in complete disbelief for what was happening. It was the first time she had heard Noah’s voice since she saw him last, and of course it had to be when she was talking to his best friend on the down low. 

“Pom? Who’s Pom?” 

NOAH

There was a brief moment of tug-of-war as he tried to wrestle the phone from Nick. Never had his best friend kept something from him, at least not to his knowledge, but especially not when he had been caught red handed. 

Finally, Nick gave in and released the device, allowing him to turn it around until he could clearly read the name plastered on the screen. 

“Pom? Who's Pom?” His brows furrowed in confusion, though he still lifted the phone up to his ear. There was no sound on the other end, except for the very faint hint of a breath being taken. Then, the line went dead, the call ending from the other side. 

Nick was staring at him with wide eyes and he could already see the explanation just waiting to escape him. 

“Dude…I'm sorry,” he began, hands holding out in a defensive stance. “Pom is Seph…ya know, like pomegranate? Persephone is a goddess who-”

“I know who Persephone is! I understand the reference, Nick!”

“Right, yeah. You know how she would always say 'you're a peach' to me? Well, she just started calling me peach one day and it stuck, so she became Pom and it was just this dumb thing to help her while she's away, and -”

“You've been talking to her this entire time?”

Nick paused, his body relaxing for a brief moment as he thought back to when their first conversation could've been. 

“Not the entire time…probably since last September?” 

Noah was really hoping Nick could feel the fire in his glare, because boy, was it intense. What the hell was he supposed to do with this information? Should he even be mad? It was honestly the fact that Nick kept it from him that really pissed him off. Why would he? Unless…Seph had asked for him to. 

“She doesn't want to talk to me.” It didn't take much for him to put it all together. Seph was complicated as all hell, but she could be predictable at times too. 

“No, she does. She does, okay? She hasn't straight up told me why she won't, but my guess is that she's embarrassed. I don't know! I'm not an expert on teenage girls!” 

“You two are just best friends now or something?” 

Nick heavily exhaled, his arms dropping down to his sides in defeat. A silence settled between them, one that was just long enough for each of them to gather their thoughts. Or, at least try to. 

“Dude…come on.” Nick shook his head slowly at Noah, a look of disbelief beginning to move across his features. “Don't make me seem like an asshole because I was trying to be there for her.”

That's exactly how Noah saw it, though. Although he wouldn't always have this opinion on the matter, it's how he felt currently. He wanted to be the one there for Seph. He wanted to help her through whatever it was she was struggling with. She wouldn't let him be that person, though, and that's what really stung. 

Fuck, why was he letting a girl he had been friends with for a month plague his mind like this? 

“It's whatever, man. I'll just see her when she gets out, I guess.” 

Noah didn't want this to become a huge conflict between him and Nick. As easy as it would've been for him to argue his point right then, it wasn't worth the headache. Nick was his best friend, and had been for years, while Seph was only just a girl he had developed an infatuation with. 

PERSEPHONE 

“I know it's bad timing, dear, but your father and I expected you to be home next week.”

On and on her mother went during the drive home, all while Seph spent the duration staring out the window. Her fingers were itching to get a hold of her phone but the device had yet to be given back to her - of course. Honestly, she would be surprised if her parents let her have it back at all. 

But at least it seemed like the snow queen was over the disastrous ending that was her beloved vases. 

“But, we’ll have a nice dinner as a family tonight, then he and I will be back Sunday evening.” 

Seph wanted to laugh at how ridiculous her mom sounded. When did they ever have nice dinners together? At least one, if not both, of her parents always ended up wandering off to take business calls in the middle of meals, leaving her to eat alone. What was so nice about that? 

“Does that sound like a plan?” 

Forcing a slight smile, she finally looked over to the older woman and nodded. “Yeah, sounds good to me.” 

Although Seph could tell that her mother was trying, she was curious to know how much of it was genuine. They had never had a strong relationship to begin with, but that was expected given how her parents chose to put their careers ahead of their daughter. Seph used to be sad about it, though she stopped caring as much the older she got. Them not being around sure as hell didn't stop them from putting the pressure on whenever possible. 

× × ×

“No, the doctors said her medications may make her…unlike herself for a bit.” The woman spoke in a murmur to her father upon their arrival home, as if Seph couldn't hear them. 

“A bit? She's been on them for nearly a year now. How much time does it take?” 

“However much it does, Chris. I don't know.” Her mother retorted, the annoyance evident in her tone. 

Seph didn't hear much more because she had made it to the top of the staircase, now aiming straight for her bedroom. She just wanted to be alone for the first time in forever. No worries of nurses and doctors barging in, or the occasional fellow patient that tried to make friends with her. 

There was a sudden halt in her steps when she entered her room. It definitely wasn't how she had left it aka in an utter mess. No, it was thoroughly cleaned now. Nothing out of place. Just as it usually was before things began to truly go downhill for her. Shaking her head to herself, Seph pushed her suitcase off to the side to tend to later, her gaze glancing over to her desk. Lying on top were multiple college applications, as well as letters from others she had applied to before leaving. Columbia, Brown, Dartmouth - ‘her’ top choices. Not really. Those were actually choices that belonged to her parents. 

With furrowed brows, Seph carefully shifted the papers around. Her lips moved as she quietly skimmed over the gist of each letter, her anger bubbling with every word. All the letters claimed acceptance for this year’s fall semester. 

“What the fuck?” She muttered to herself just before she abruptly pulled her hand from the pages. She couldn't handle this right now. The last thing she wanted to think about was what her father had been up to while she was gone. Paying off universities? That was a new low for even him. No way in hell would they have willingly taken her after everything, but Seph was sure their minds were changed as soon as her dad made a hefty donation. How many libraries or community centers now had their name plastered across them? 

“Oh…you've already seen the letters.”

Seph lifted her head to see her mother standing in her doorway, a slight uneasiness to her. 

“Well, they are on my desk. Seems like someone wanted me to see them.” 

Marilyn, the snow queen in question, took in a deep breath and heavily exhaled while crossing the threshold inside. She immediately approached where Seph stood, her own hands frantically shuffling the papers together and then tucking them beneath her arm. 

“No need to worry about those right now.” Reaching back with her free hand, the older woman then retrieved something before extending it out to Seph. It was her phone. 

“I figured you could use a bit of normalcy again.” 

Hesitantly, Seph accepted the device, slowly nodding. 

“Thanks,” she lowly spoke. 

This whole demeanor that her mom was portraying was very out of the ordinary for her. She couldn't help but to be slightly taken back by it. Maybe it made it appear as if she wasn't actually thankful, although she was. Who could blame her for being suspicious, though? After what had happened, this was the last sort of interaction she was expecting. 

“Dinner will be at six, okay?” 

Seph watched as her mother walked away, giving her a small nod in understanding. Once she was gone, she followed the same path she took, only to quietly close the bedroom door to allow her some privacy. There was then a need within her to get her phone turned on. She rushed over to the side of her bed where she typically had her charger plugged in, relieved to see that the cord remained. After inserting it into her phone, she waited a few seconds, then the Apple logo popped up. 

A sigh of relief left her, her body lowering down to sit on the edge of her bed. As the device powered on for the first time in who knows how long, notification after notification began to flash across the screen. 

grl are you okay?? 

i'm worried! 

Alexa 

Heard about your incident. Dramatic. 

Seriously? Call me. 

Stop being a baby. I'm sure daddy made sure you have your phone. 

Sweden? That's laughable. You hate fish. You'd never survive on the cuisine. 

No one believes that's where you are, by the way. 

Your dad is fucking insane!!!! 

Maisie 

babe come on talk to me. 

i’m not mad about you and emo guy. 

maisie showed me the video but it's fuckin dumb. 

lol can't believe you were gonna fuck him tho. 

sweden?? and you didn't tell me?? wtf

Mason 

OMG miss you! 

damn it's gonna suck to not have any infamous Seph parties senior year! 

Aw hope you have so much fun abroad! I loved it when I went! 

u are not gunna believe wat i heard about u

Random “friends”

I miss you. 

Noah 

It was a horrible idea for her to read any of these, but she couldn't bring herself to look away. There were a lot that she deleted, most being from unknown numbers or people she hadn't even spoken to since way before all of this. Everyone obviously just wanted some entail and they thought going directly to the source would work out for them. Oh how wrong they were. 

The last message she read was what really got to her, though. She assumed Noah had known the truth of what happened pretty early on, meaning that his text from only a couple of months ago was honest. That's what she was telling herself, at least. Every other text thread was deleted except for that one, then she started a new one. 

‘Home. Need to see a friendly face.’ 

Seph stared down at the screen as if Nick would have already replied when she knew he was busier than usual these days. The band, working at a tattoo shop, it all left very little downtime for him and the others. But much to her surprise, the little gray bubble appeared, indicating that he was typing. 

‘FUCK YEA DUDE!!’

'Come by the shop!’

'I'm here working on some pieces until probably 9’

It was impossible for her to explain how at ease she now felt knowing someone was excited about her being back, especially when that someone happened to be one of the only people she considered a friend. Getting close to Nick had come out of left field; definitely not done on purpose since she always felt like he only tolerated her for Noah. Who ever would've thought they would've gotten as close as they had while hours away? It was all strictly platonic, though. She looked at Nick as more of a brother type, and she knew he viewed her the same. Well…as a sister, but same sentiment. 

After dinner, she would slip away and somehow make it to the tattoo shop Nick had mentioned a few times. Maybe she’d get lucky and her parents would do their usual routine of acting as if she wasn't even there, just so she wouldn't have to awkwardly crawl out of her window. Plus, that would also mean they wouldn't realize she had left. Perfect. All she had to do was make it through dinner…

Well, that wasn't currently going so well. 

Her favorite meal had been cooked for the night, though her appetite was nearly nonexistent these days. Was it the mental issues? Or the meds she downed to help fix said issues? Either way, a few bites was all she could stomach. 

“Not hungry?” Her mother spoke up first, her lips showcasing a sympathetic smile. 

Okay, seriously. What the hell had gotten into her? 

“No…not really. Sorry.” 

Marilyn shook her head in a way to silently tell Seph that it was okay, but before she could verbally respond, her father was beating her to it. 

“You need to eat,” he demanded as he eyed her from across the table. “It'll help you feel better to have decent food again.” 

Seph stared at the older man, inwardly biting her tongue to prevent herself from saying anything too rash. No need to cause an argument on her first night back. 

“I don't think I'll be feeling too great when this doesn't sit well and ends up in the toilet.” 

A heavy sigh came from her mother, who then covered the sound by taking a long swallow from her glass of wine. Ugh, she should've snuck a few sips for herself before dinner began. 

Although Seph could tell that there was something needing to be said that was right on the tip of her father’s tongue, he remained silent. The daggers he glared at her were loud enough. Before anything could be set off, she carefully slid her chair back and stood up. 

“Where are you going?” Her father sternly questioned as she walked by with her sights set on the front door. Seph snagged a set of car keys and clutched them tight within her palm, fully prepared to make a run for it if she really needed to. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that. 

“I just need some air.” 

There was a start of a protest from her parents, but she didn't linger long enough to hear whatever it was they had to say. She was already out the door and closing the distance between herself and her mom’s car. 

× × ×

It was a blessing that she knew downtown Richmond like the back of her hand or else she never would've found the tattoo shop tucked in along the congested street. There was a neon red ‘open' sign glowing in the window, but nothing beyond that really told you what the business was until you were right on top of it. Not too surprising to her that the guys would work somewhere low key. 

There was a faint jingle from the bell above the door as she entered the building, though she figured the bell was only for show because the music playing inside easily drowned it out. A girl with multiple piercings shining on her face sat behind the front desk, and the opening and closing of the door caused her to look up at who could possibly be coming in near closing time. 

“Hey…” she hesitantly spoke, though a polite smile was visible on her lips. “I'm looking for Nick.” 

Piercing girl glanced over her shoulder and leaned back in her seat a bit as if trying to see something just out of reach. 

“Do you have an appointment?” She questioned after returning to her resting position. “We aren't taking walk ins right now.” 

“Oh…no…I'm just a friend of his.” Seph almost blurted out that she wasn't even old enough to get a tattoo, though she figured that surely would've gotten her kicked out. “He told me to stop by.” 

“Seph?”

A familiar voice broke through before either of the girls could exchange any more words. She lifted her eyes to see Nick stepping through a door that led to the back, both of them sharing near identical smiles at the sight of each other. Seph slid around the counter and rushed over with quick steps, her arms immediately being thrown around his neck to embrace in a close hug. 

“Peach!” She excitedly exclaimed while her arms squeezed him so tight that she was convinced she was cutting off his ability to breathe. Never had she and Nick really even touched, yet here they were, embracing each other as people within the tattoo shop awkwardly sideyed them. 

“Your hair!” Seph gasped as she pulled back to look at him, her hands now grasping his shoulders. Nick mimicked her stance, laughing as her eyes scanned all around his face and the new tattoos he adorned. “You cut it!” 

“People tend to get haircuts every now and then,” he continued to laugh. 

“Yeah, but it's kinda all mullet-y now! I love it!” It didn't matter that he had a beanie on in the middle of the summer. She could still see those new layers. 

“If you think I look different, then just wait until you see Noah. Dude has grown at least two - shit, sorry, Pom.”

The smile she wore began to fade at his mention of Noah, her grip on his shoulders loosening. She didn't like this reaction her mind and body immediately had to his mere existence being brought up. Hopefully this glitch in her system would work itself out. 

“It's all good,” she shook her head. “I'm gonna have to face the music at some point, yeah?”

Nick gave her a sympathetic smile to accompany the gentle squeeze of her shoulder. He then nodded his head towards the door he had come from, motioning for her to follow. 

“Come on, let's get away from all this fucking noise.” 

Ushering her into the back room, Seph was greeted by what appeared to be a break area; a table with a couple of chairs, a fridge, couch, and all the other workings for people to be comfortable when working long shifts. In front of the couch there was a coffee table with different sketches strewn about it. She assumed this is what Nick had been working on. 

“I had no idea you were doing tattoo stuff,” she muttered softly while approaching the coffee table to gaze down upon the drawings. 

“You never asked.” Nick shrugged, his body bent to peer into the fridge towards the back of the room. “I mean, I never really asked things about you either, so I guess we're both assholes.” 

Seph glanced back at him, extending a sheepish smile. “Sorry. I've had a lot going on up here.” She motioned to her head before lowering down onto the couch. 

Nick was following suit not too long after, his hands holding out a bottle of water for her while the other clasped around a beer for himself. 

“Hey!” She laughed, eying the other beverage. “Not fair!” 

“What? You're not old enough to drink.” Nick chuckled while taking a swallow from the can. 

“Neither are you!” 

Although her eyes narrowed at him in a glare, she was only joking. She released a dramatic sigh, but then took the offered water and twisted the cap off. “You better be glad I shouldn’t drink with my meds.” 

After taking a couple of sips from her water, she carefully placed the bottle on the coffee table and then tugged the sketchbook into her lap. She began to slowly flip through the pages, though she hadn't even bothered to ask if she could. Oops. 

“How is…all of that going, by the way?” 

“Fine, I guess,” she gave a single shoulder shrug. “Everything is amazing and perfect.” 

Nick’s eye roll was so pronounced that she swore she heard his eyes somersaulting in his skull. He then sighed, his face telling her that he was not convinced. 

“You're full of shit,” he smiled despite the attempt at a serious conversation that she was trying to shoot down. 

Seph laughed, nodding. “Yeah, I am.” 

With a pause in her page flipping, she glanced over to him, seeing that he was staring directly at her. There was no way he was going to drop the topic. As annoying as it was, Seph was a little…touched that Nick cared enough to actually ask. Not even her parents had. 

“I don't really like them,” she honestly revealed. “They always make my brain feel like it's in a fog. I'm mega tired, nothing tastes good, and all I want to do is rot in my bed.” 

A finger then tapped the page she had been staring down at, the drawing that of some sort of creature with horns. She had no idea what it was, but she liked it. “This is cool,” she complimented with hopes to change the subject. 

Seph knew she should've known better than to even attempt it. 

“Hey,” Nick tried to gain her attention, which she eventually gave him by lifting her head and meeting his gaze. “You know you can talk to me, right? Noah, too…he’d probably sing about it all night if you did.” 

Offering a faint smile, she nodded. “I know…it's just hard talking to anyone about things, but especially Noah. Opening up has never been easy for me.” 

As easy as it would've been for her to elaborate on this, she didn't. She wasn't trying to make this a pity party for herself. Coming by to see Nick was actually supposed to be the exact opposite of that. 

Nick leaned forward a bit, his elbows resting on his knees and both hands grasping the beer can. “Talk. To. Him.” He further explained, this being his final attempt at trying to get her to do what they all knew needed to be done. 

“You'll end up regretting it if you don't.” 

× × ×

It was that conversation that landed her in the guys’ shared home the following night. Again she had left her own house without explanation; fully ignoring her parents on her way out. They seemed to be letting her do whatever for now, though she wasn't sure how much longer she would be able to push her luck. Whatever. They should just be glad she had finally ditched the sweatpants for a pair of shorts and slapped some makeup on her face for the first time in a year. It was minimal, but at least she cared enough about something to try. 

Nick had claimed it was only going to be a small get together, but the ten to fifteen people mingling around told her otherwise. No, it wasn't anywhere near the level her parties had been, but it was still a bit much for someone in her current mental state. Seph was determined to power through, though. She was desperate to return to her old self. At least in some aspects. 

“Oh my god! Sephy!” 

There was barely time to react before Alexa was rushing to her, forcing her into a tight hug that she had not been prepared for. She still smiled, choking out a soft laugh as her hands hesitantly patted the girl's back. 

“I thought I heard Nick say something about you being back! Oh my god! This is amazing! How are you?!” 

While her and Alexa had been kinda friends before this whole thing, she wouldn't have considered them to be close. They were acquaintances at best, though she was assuming things were going well between her and Folio if she was still hanging with the guys. Guess that meant she would have to stay on her good side as well. 

“I'm good! Yeah, things are going good.” Seph nodded once they had broken from the hug. She felt as if she was going to be telling this lie a lot going forward. 

Alexa gasped and held onto her arm, her eyes going wide as she looked back to the room she had just emerged from. “Have you seen Noah yet?! He's going to be so fucking stoked to see you. I know it.” 

Opening her mouth to speak, she wasn't even able to get a word out before Alexa was pulling her along to the next room. Her voice called out for Noah, repeating his name a couple of times. 

“Look who's finally back from Sweden!” Alexa gently bumped her with her shoulder as she laughed, and when she glanced over to the girl, she winked at her. Huh, okay. Was everyone just going to be in on this joke? 

“Sweden?” A guy with long dark hair that was pulled half back she didn't recognize spoke up, a bright smile taking up his face. “Hallå!”

Alexa laughed again as she reached out to his shoulder, shaking her head. 

As much as Seph wanted to figure out what that was about, she was now far too lost in the other guy that stood in front of her. Noah. Her eyes stuck to him, unable to look away, though she didn't want to. He had definitely filled out some within the last year and his hair was much longer, but it suited him. 

Also, when the hell had he gotten a neck tattoo? 

NOAH

Persephone fucking Hill. 

In his house. 

Staring up at him with awe. 

Fuck. 

What the hell was he supposed to say? Good to see you? Wow, so glad you're free? Nice tits?

Okay, definitely not the last one. That was a bad thought for him to even have. But still, nothing felt like it would be the right thing to say after how things ended. 

“Long time no see,” he then blurted out. 

Goddammit. That was lame as fuck. 

Noah could sense both Jolly and Alexa picking up on the awkward vibes because they took simultaneous swallows of their drinks and then slipped away in a nonchalant manner. 

“I probably wouldn't have even recognized you if Alexa hadn't dragged me over here.” Seph chuckled, and he knew immediately that she was just as nervous as he was. That was a bit of a relief. 

He wanted to tell her that that was okay because he would've spotted her within seconds. The words didn't leave his mouth, though. Actually, no words did. Noah continued to stare at her, both of them holding the other’s gaze. 

No, he couldn't get caught up in Seph again. It wasn't good for him. It wasn't good for her. Neither of them were what the other needed. That's what he had been telling himself for a year as he tried to get over her. Noah wished he could say that it had worked. 

“Noah…can we skip the weirdness of acting like we don't know each other? I've had a lot of time to think about how this would go, y’know, when we saw each other again, and every interaction I imagined was awkward…to say the least.” 

Seph laughed as a hand lifted to tuck her hair behind her ear, her eyes tearing from his for a brief moment. He inwardly frowned when this happened, already missing the sight of her honey colored irises. But when she didn't look back at him yet, he finally nodded and glanced around the kitchen. 

“Do you want a drink? I can fix you something.” Noah was already reaching for bottles before she could reply because of course he remembered her favorite mix: fruit punch and vodka. He found it revolting but he had a fond memory of her mouth dyed red one night when they sat in her backyard, and she was telling him some story he didn't remember all because of said red dye. 

“Sure…but hold the vodka.” She placed a hand on his wrist to stop him from untwisting the cap of the liquor, the small touch like fire on his skin. 

“I'm not really drinking at the moment.” 

It then dawned on him that Seph was probably on some medications she had been instructed not to mix alcohol with. He was tempted to tell her that it would be fine because he did it all the time, but this maybe wasn't the time. Seph was a big girl. She could make her own decisions. 

“Oh, yeah, that's cool. Just fruit punch it is then.” As he set the vodka bottle aside, he instead grabbed the juice and filled the cup half way before passing it her way. She gazed at him from over the rim while taking a sip, that sight alone making him weak in the knees. 

Get it the fuck together, Noah. 

“This is probably when I should tell you that I'm sorry…”

It seemed as if apologies at parties were starting to become their new norm. He couldn't say he was very fond of it. 

Noah took in a deep breath before swallowing from his own drink, his head shaking while lowering the cup. 

“You don't have to do that, Seph. Seriously. Ancient history.” 

He watched as she shifted awkwardly before leaning a hip into the kitchen island they stood behind. She looked basically the same, though maybe a few pounds lighter and her hair was longer, just as his was. Noah assumed the former had to do with the lack of decent food, and probably just a lack of appetite all together. He understood how it could be when starting medications. 

“I saw your text.” 

Noah froze, his mind racing to figure out what she was talking about. He then remembered the one message he had sent a couple of months ago when he had been up way too late and lost in his thoughts. It happened a lot but he usually had enough self control to not message her. That night, not so much. 

When he didn't say anything, she continued. 

“I missed you too.” 

That made him scoff, head shaking while taking another generous swallow of his drink. He looked off to the side as if interested in whatever his friends were doing, but he was actually trying to hold back his words. 

Glancing back to Seph, her brows were furrowed in confusion. 

Noah shrugged, fingers tapping against the side of his cup he held. “I need to talk to you about something.” 

With no other explanation, he placed a hand against her lower back while gently maneuvering her out of the kitchen and to the opposite side of the house where his room was. Noah could tell Seph was lost, which wasn't a shock. He wasn't exactly being very forthcoming right then. 

The door to his bedroom was quietly closed, then he was turning to look at her again. He expected her to be staring back at him, but she was actually slowly stepping around his room, studying the minimal items he had on the walls and on his desk. Clutter and knickknacks had never really been his thing. 

It was then that Noah realized this was the first time Seph had been in his room, or just where he lived in general. They were always somewhere less personal before, until the night of her party. 

“So, uh, your dad came and talked to me while you were gone.” 

He had no idea how to approach this topic, though he figured it was best to do it sooner rather than later. 

“I heard…” she murmured, her focus up on the framed images hanging on his wall. “That sounds like it was loads of fun.” 

Noah chuckled, a hand rubbing nervously at the back of his neck. “Not exactly the words I'd use.” 

“What did he want?” 

A few steps were taken so he stood at her side, his eyes down on her while hers remained elsewhere. There was an urge to reach out and touch the bare skin of her shoulder, brush her hair aside, but he resisted by shoving his free hand into his pocket. 

“He tossed out a lot of legal jargon, probably just to confuse me, but what I gathered is that he's thinking about pressing charges against Maisie. He also had a few choice words for me and our friendship.” 

Seph then looked at him, head tilted up at just the right angle for their eyes to meet. Her figure shifted and turned a bit, both of them facing each other. 

“I'm not going to let him press charges,” she exclaimed with a confidence that he hadn't been expecting. “Nothing happened in the video.” 

Was she not interested in the last bit he had tossed in? 

“He doesn't want us around each other.” 

This made her softly laugh, her eyes rolling. “Of course he doesn't.” 

“I'm not really su-”

“What do you think about that?” Seph cut him off, her eyebrow arched curiously. 

Noah stumbled over his words a bit since he hadn't really thought that in depth about it yet. He figured he needed to see how things were between them first. And now that he had…he still had no idea. 

“Do you want us to not be around each other?” She repeated her question with different wording, as if that would get an actual response out of him. 

“No…” he hesitantly replied, a slight smile appearing. 

“Then what he wants or has to say doesn't matter.” 

Again, Noah was struggling to find his words. Fuck. This was not going how he wanted it to. He was supposed to be agreeing with her dad, telling her that it was best for them to stay away from each other. But nope, he couldn't bring himself to say it. How could he when she was looking at him like that?

“I really did miss you.” 

Welp, that really cut his growing mood a bit. 

“It's actually funny that you say that since you didn't make any attempt to talk to me.” 

There was no way he could continue to bite his tongue on the matter when she just kept bringing it up…kind of. Inadvertently. 

“But you talked to Nick…how many times? Multiple times a week for nearly a year?” 

Seph bit down into her lower lip, her gaze dropping to the carpet in shame. Damn. Now he felt bad. 

No. He wouldn't let her get to him that easily. 

“I…I know it was shitty, okay? I didn't even mean to start talking to him. His Instagram was public so I was able to message him from a nurse’s account. I just wanted to check in…see how everyone was…but then talking to him helped keep my mind at ease when I really needed it.” 

Noah now did an eye roll of his own, his feet shuffling back a bit so he could place some distance between them. That sure as hell didn't explain why she hadn't talked to him. Only why she hadn't contacted him first. 

“Fuck, Noah. I was terrified to talk to you, is that what you want to hear? I didn't want to know how mad you were at me or find out what you thought about me after everything.” 

“Mad? I wasn't mad at you, Seph. I was worried! You kick me out, I don't hear from you, and then I find out from Alexa that you're gone?” 

A hand ran over his face, heavily exhaling. He definitely hadn't been prepared to have this conversation with her right then. 

“And what do you mean by what I thought of you? I always looked at you like the sun fucking shone out of your ass, so why would that have changed?” 

Seph was physically taken back by his statement. Her mouth fell open a bit, but then promptly closed. Head shaking, he could see the clench in her jaw. This told him that she was not happy. 

“No, you looked at me like I was this perfect unobtainable thing! You were just as blind to everything like my parents were because you couldn't fathom the fact that someone you saw as sunshine was falling apart bit by bit everyday!” 

It was Noah's turn to be taken back now. He stared straight at Seph, sporting a clenched jaw of his own that rivaled hers. 

“I didn't want you to think of me like that, Noah. And I know it's ass backwards and doesn't make sense. Don't want you to see me as perfect…don't want you to see me breaking down…” Seph shook her head to herself, her hands moving about as she spoke at a rather fast pace. 

“Believe me, I'm confused too.” 

“You've got to stop caring so much about what other people think. If someone judges you for breaking under pressure, then you call them an ‘asshole’ and keep it moving!” 

Seph had her eyes cast to the ceiling, her lips folded in for only a brief moment. He was waiting for her to say something - anything - that let him know she understood. 

“It's not that simple.”

Nope. Not the response he was hoping to hear. 

“But it is that simple, Seph. Why the fuck do you care about what other people have to say? Myself included.” 

“I don't…” she stammered over the two words, and Noah could tell that even she wasn't convinced. 

“Why, Seph?” He found himself taking a step closer to where she stood, his voice a little softer now than it previously had been. It hadn't been his intention to get so worked up, especially not when this was the first time they were seeing each other in what felt like forever. 

Noah could see the tears welling in her eyes. He knew that she knew why. It was only a matter of whether or not she was going to reveal this to him. He wasn't going to push her, but he was well aware of how this all needed to go. Seph needed to admit it to herself. 

“Because…I only feel worth anything when I know people like me.” 

PERSEPHONE 

And there it was. The truth Noah had been trying to tug out of her since the beginning of it all. It felt juvenile to say, admitting that people’s thoughts and opinions of her was what made her feel good about herself. Did that mean Maisie had been right about her? Was she only interested in Noah because of how he used to once look at her as if she was perfect? 

No, she wouldn't let that be true. He was worth so much more than that to her, even if she had a horrible way of showing it. 

“Fuck other people, Seph. They don't mean anything. Only the people who you feel like yourself around are the ones who matter.” 

“And what if they see parts of me they don't like? Hm? What happens then? What happens when you realize I'm just some fucked up girl who isn't worth the hassle?” 

Seph couldn't stop her voice from breaking as she laid it all out for him. If Noah wanted honesty, then that's what she would give him. And if he happened to run, well, at least she could say 'I told ya so’. 

Instead of using his words, Noah was quick to cross the remainder of the bedroom to where she stood. His large hands enveloped her face and soon he was pulling her up into a kiss that made her heart race and her breathing halt, all at the same time. She was unable to stop herself from leaning into him, eager to have as much of him pressed against her as she could. It was just like they were back in her room a year ago when she craved to truly feel him. Definitely didn't take much for that need to return full force. 

Seph didn't dare break from the kiss as her hand came up to grasp the back of his neck, her fingers briefly tangling into the long strands of his hair. She actually somehow managed to deepen the kiss even as Noah progressed forward, both of them taking in sync steps back to where his bed was. 

As soon as she was lying back against his perfectly made bed, Noah followed right behind her. She pulled him down close against her, his lithe frame settling between her legs, knees pressed firm into his hips. One hand held himself up while the other drifted beneath the shirt she wore, just to feel the warmth of her skin against his own. Seph broke from his lips for mere seconds so she could rid him of his own shirt, which Noah took as an invitation to do the same. It had definitely been one. 

“Noah…” she murmured into his mouth as they again collided in a heated kiss. As much as she didn't want to, she managed to pull back a bit, just as his fingers began to work on the button of her shorts. Though when she stopped, his hands also paused. Seph licked over her lips as she gazed up at him. She was then thankful for her flushed cheeks because that meant the blush creeping up was well hidden. 

“I've never done this before…” she admitted, despite knowing that he probably already knew this from past conversations. As well as Maisie outing her during all of that commotion. There was just a weird urge she had to properly disclose the information to him. 

Noah released her shorts, though his hands shifted to glide along her hips and up her sides in a soothing manner. “Are you sure?” 

There was a pause and then he was shaking his head, laughing in slight embarrassment at himself. “Not ‘are you sure' you haven't done this because I think you'd know if you had. But are you sure that you want to…right now…with me?” 

Of course she couldn't help but to laugh along with him, her nose scrunching at how flustered he had just made himself. Noah’s cheeks were now red with a blush and it was a sight she was hoping to always remember. 

Seph sunk her teeth into her lower lip after their laughter had died down. She didn't want to hesitate with her response because she didn't want Noah to think she was second guessing anything. Maybe the timing wasn't ideal, considering there was a get together happening on the other side of the wall, but Seph wasn't the kind of girl who needed planning and rose petals. The social construct of virginity wasn't that deep to her, not like how a lot of people made it out to be.  All that she cared about was trusting the other person and actually caring about them…much like how she cared for Noah. 

“Yes,” she finally spoke with confidence, just so Noah knew she wasn't second guessing anything that had to do with him. 

Noah then took in a deep breath, giving her a nod of his own before his head angled down and his lips trailed slowly along her neck. Oh, so now he was going to take his time? 

“Just one thing…” she breathlessly mumbled after her eyes had fluttered closed and she was doing all she could to focus on the new sensations sweeping through her. 

“Anything,” Noah continued to kiss and bite at the sensitive skin of her neck, his fingers returning to the button of her shorts that he managed to swiftly pop free. 

Seph softly laughed, her hand lifting to cradle the side of his head in a way that made him pull back just enough to gaze down at her. 

“Can you lock the door?” 

CHAPTER FOUR JUMP

× End of chapter notes!: One guess as to where my eyes started crossing because I was beyond tired but needed to get this completed at a decent stopping point. :') ANYWAYYY, not me pausing halfway through and thinking, "is this about to become a Ruffilo fic?" A story really does write itself sometimes but NO. I had to refrain. But will there more little Peach and Pom moments? Yes. ♥‿♥

If anyone can tell me what the preferred chapter length is among the masses, then that would be greaaat. Stop me from my wild ramblings. Please. Unless you guys are into it and then I guess I'll just keep on truckin'.

[obsessionnostalgia]

Claire Novak fic recs: yeah, I was trying to reblog something every time I found a new one but its too disorganized so now it lives here. You have a Claire Novak rec? i want to read it.

Where the Heart Is by goldenraeofsun

Features a time-traveling Claire hanging out with Sam and Dean circa season 7. There's angst. There's Claire hooking up with a diner waitress. There's Claire having self-worth issues. There's Claire making fun of Dean to his face. All the good stuff.

Like a Duck, He Fits the Bill by golbygloom

Claire Novak and her budding attachment to the guy who isn't her dad but wears his face. The angst of having to get out of your own way to make connections with others.

Let Me Come Home by prosopopeya

Deancas-centric but Claire Novak is a POV character, struggling in foster care and the uncertainty of whether her uncle (Cas) will get his shit together in order to take her in. The Claire and Dean parallels are strong.

Rec from kerryweaverlesbian:

no such thing as a unique experience by @astralpenguin

A 15 year old Claire meets the (now older) little girl who was possessed by Lilith for a long time. Neither of them realise this element of connection for quite some time. Tons of empathy and understanding. These two feel so much like complex teenage girls, and also the dramatic irony is incredibly fun. One of the best fics I've read all year

Rec from carhengeapocalypse:

Another rhinestoneangels (@pinknatural ) fic fatherisms

Claire is a baby when Jimmy agreed to be Castiel's vessel and Dean steps in to help take care of her. The timeline jumps around and the story is told in snippets and it's very good

as if death itself was undone by microcomets

Claire confronts a human Castiel in a grocery store.

Claire heaves a deep, bone-weary sigh. “Here I am, consoling an ex-angel using my dead father as a meat-puppet on his self-esteem issues. I should write a book or something.”

everlasting by entropic_saudade

Claire wants to have a permanent mark of her and Kaia’s love. In order to do the stabbing safely, she helps Dean bring Cas back from the Empty so he can heal her.

gifts given & words unspoken by rhinestoneangels

Short: Dean and Claire make cookies after Castiel brings her back to the bunker, injured. Some implications at this point, Claire is more family to Dean than Mary. Set in season 12.

coming out by dicklessthewonderclown

Short, Dean POV conversation on a drive with Claire where she comes out as wanting to date Kaia and also admits (by accident) that Dean is a kind of sort of maybe father figure to her.

A Christmas Miracle (for someone else) by bitterred

Set post-canon, mirroring all the "Cas is dead and Dean is depressed" fics, Claire Novak finds a cat during the holiday season.

i'm sorry i'm the one you love (no one will ever love me like you again) by monsterfatigue

Kind of weird that Claire decided she was in love with Kaia even though they had barely known each other. After Kaia comes back from the Bad Place, nothing is simple. Claire isn't sure why she thought it would be.

This Is A Love That Lasts Forever by HeddersTheOwl

Another fic where Claire being friendly with the angel that wears her dad's face is complicated.

"You look too much like him. It's not fair. You're not him." 

meteor site (our hearts collision) by sobsicles

Claire has religious trauma laced with homophobia. Kaia doesn't want to be anyone's nightmare.

the way a dad should by fleeceframe

Dean and Claire are driving back to Jody's when Claire needs to stop because her period has started. (Side note: i was SURE that part of the reasoning for carrying tampons/pads in the impala was going to be partially related to the fact that they're sometimes good for wound care, in that the products are designed not to grow bacteria.)

i don’t know nothing (and that’s fine) by halfwheeze

Claire Novak meets Magda Peterson, the psychic girl from 12.4 American Nightmare, and likes her so much it makes Claire look stupid. Look at that, they have matching religious trauma: "When Castiel-" she pauses, remembering that his name isn't carved into the internal dialogue of every girl with religious trauma from here to Texas, "the Winchesters' angel, I don't know if he was with them when they got you- when he came to Earth, he needed a vessel. A human strong enough to hold an angel, with strong enough faith to allow them in and allow them to stay." That's what the Winchester Gospels said about them anyway. Castiel just said that they needed to believe. They were special. Believers. Bullshit. "When Castiel came to Earth, he took my father. And then, when my father told him he couldn't stay anymore, Castiel approached me. Being a vessel, it's passed down in the family line. The blood. The body. All they need is the body. And I was a kid. He might as well have been God. So I said yes. And my father took him back. If you think about it, it's my fault that my dad is dead."

Bartenders Love Me by clusterjam

Claire Novak doing her Dean-coded thing: hustling in a bar, flirting with the bartender, and oh yeah: angst about whether her dad would approve of her.

Subject: Dean Winchester Is Dead by angelszn

There aren't enough fics about Claire finding out Dean (or Cas) are dead. Dean Winchester is dead. Dean Winchester is dead, and Claire got the news in an email of all things. As if the gravity can be contained in the tiny black letters on the screen. It didn’t even seem possible. 

patricide of the lowest order by angelszn

This one's dark (Major Character Death tagged) -- Castiel killed Claire's father, after all, and what is Supernatural but a series of revenge plots?

two steps on the water by orpheuscas

Claire in the aftermath of being cured of werewolfism. Heavy dose of "Dean is basically Claire's dad now" included.

she'll say she got the map from me by 13zepptraxx

Hey you know that episode where Dean goes back in time and hangs out with his mom? He tells her, "No matter what you hear, or what you see. Promise me you won’t get out of bed." but then an angel wipes her memory? What if Claire went back in time after Dean died because she was sick with grief and basically did the same thing?

[mariana-oconnor]

The Blanched Soldier pt 3

Back to Holmes, who has been carefully concealing practically every thought he had about this case while it was going on to preserve the drama of the situation. There's something about tar. I'm willing to bet that the other character with Godfrey is a doctor of some sort, though I honestly can't remember his name.

“This is very sudden, Colonel Emsworth,” said he. “This will disarrange all our plans.”

So they do have plans beyond 'keep Godfrey hidden for the rest of eternity'. Good to know.

...at the sight of him my client sprang forward with outstretched hand. [...] But the other waved him back.

So it's contagious? That doesn't explain why it's a secret. Is it an STD?

I am growing impatient.

One could see that he had indeed been a handsome man with clear-cut features sunburned by an African sun, but mottled in patches over this darker surface were curious whitish patches which had bleached his skin.

Vitiligo? Is it vitiligo? But why would he be hiding away because of vitiligo?

“Old Ralph told me you were there, and I couldn't help taking a peep at you."

That's sweet, and sad, and a little weird.

“You remember that morning fight at Buffelsspruit, outside Pretoria, on the Eastern railway line? You heard I was hit?”

Oh no, my racism alarm is starting to chime. I should have seen this coming when they were talking about the Boer war, but foolishly I thought that would all be background.

"I have a dim memory of slowly ascending the steps, entering a wide-opened door, passing into a large room which contained several beds, and throwing myself down with a gasp of satisfaction upon one of them."

But the first bed was too hard. So he went to the second bed, but that one was too soft. So then he tried the third bed and that one was just right.

So he didn't knock. He just... walked in and went to sleep. I get you'd been shot and you were on death's door, but that is still trespassing.

"In front of me was standing a small, dwarf-like man with a huge, bulbous head, who was jabbering excitedly in Dutch, waving two horrible hands which looked to me like brown sponges. Behind him stood a group of people who seemed to be intensely amused by the situation, but a chill came over me as I looked at them. Not one of them was a normal human being. Every one was twisted or swollen or disfigured in some strange way."

Oh no... we took a slight right at racism and stepped into racism and ableism. Wonderful.

"The laughter of these strange monstrosities was a dreadful thing to hear."

Fuuuuck you, Godfrey.

I get that waking up surrounded by people who are laughing at you and you can't understand them is unpleasant. But 'monstrosities'? Seriously. And if you don't knock before letting yourself into someone else's house, you can't then be rude about them. That's not how it works.

OK... so this vein continues for some time. I'm not going to put any more of it here... It's pretty much the same level of dumbfuckery.

"'You are in the Leper Hospital, and you have slept in a leper's bed.’"

Ugh, I thought 'leprosy' then I didn't say it because it seemed too far.

Of course it's leprosy. or Hansen's Disease as it's mostly known now in order to try to distance it from the stigma attached to 'leprosy'. Honestly, this is definitely typical for the attitude to the disease at the time. It might even be lighter than usual, because the family are keeping him on the grounds and haven't shipped him off somewhere never to be heard from again.

The fact that Holmes has brought an expert in makes me think that this has all been a false alarm, though. Why bring an outside opinion if they're just going to confirm 'yup, leprosy'

"It is not illegal, however, to keep a lunatic upon private premises so long as there is a qualified person in attendance and that the authorities have been duly notified. Why, then, all this desperate desire for secrecy?"

Because apparently everyone is horribly afraid of losing their family reputation?

“It is often my lot to bring ill-tidings and seldom good,” said he. “This occasion is the more welcome. It is not leprosy.”

~*Chekhov's Expert*~

Interestingly, the UK Gov website says that Hansen's Disease has an incubation period of 5 months to 20 years... or longer. So just because Godfrey doesn't have it now, doesn't mean he'll never have it. And no one knows how it spreads. Though it seems like it's a lot more difficult to get than people think.

It might be spread by armadillos. It's a mystery!

There is, however, a cure, these days. Though I don't think there was back when this story was written, considering the cure is antibiotics.

"But the lady has fainted! I think that Mr. Kent had better be with her until she recovers from this joyous shock.”

Let's hope she doesn't contract brain fever because of it. That would be kind of ironic.

[lucky-draws]

assorted dr who thoughts after finishing the latest series:

- the 9 episode format is definitely a mistake..... it's the whole death of the filler episode thing innit. ive seen people saying that one of the downfalls of the new series was that you never really felt like ruby and the doctor actually became "best friends", because we're just told they are and not shown, and i agree with that. like i wouldn't say they didn't have chemistry or anything but it was all too rushed, there weren't enough casual/low-stakes/trivial little moments. and with dot and bubble for instance even tho it was a good episode overall i did find it weird the way they kind of just, abruptly plonked the doctor and ruby into the situation without even a minute-long tardis scene showing them actually Going to that planet and exchanging the usual doctor-companion console room banter?? like as if they were already this well established Best Friends Team Who Solve Problems? because that's the format™? idk.. a lot of this series just felt a bit off and a bit clumsy.

- i've started watching the 11th doctor recently (out of the new who doctors he's the only one i skipped until now lol), and i was watching The Lodger yesterday aka the james corden episode and like. the general silliness of that episode and the way that a lot of it was just playing around with the fact that the doctor is a Funny Alien etc and can't pretend to be human to save his life is kind of an essential ingredient to the series.....and having less episodes mean you're more likely to lose that stuff.

And while I get that 15 is supposedly a more healed version of themself thanks to 14 just um. chilling and processing their trauma, I also feel like we didn't see enough in the new series of the doctor's darkness, like the Godlike Alien Being side of them. because that's what makes them an interesting character. Like their loneliness was there and of course specifically the "timeless child" flavour of loneliness, and that does give dimension to the character but idk..... i just felt like it was all a bit too "haha we're singing and dancing and changing our outfits every episode and bringing back old companions and it's all hugs and kisses" . idk?

- having said that i did think ep 8/the first part of the finale was really strong, and id say doom and rogue were good as well.

- i don't mind ruby's mother being just a normal woman, the everyone is important/championing of Normal People philosophy is a crucial part of the show, but again i think it was all just kind of poorly executed/poorly written. if you only have 9 episodes to introduce a new doctor, new companion, and introduce and resolve a Mysterious Mystery running though the series, then the writing needs to be Very Good in order to pull it all off ........

- overall tho i did in fairness enjoy this series more than i anticipated. (the singing goblins christmas special did not fill me with high expectations lol.) ncuti is a brilliant actor and he understands the assignment, i really like him as doctor. it's just, unfortunately, as with 13, he deserves far better in terms of the writing ...

(and like i KNOW doctor who has been fucking silly and goofy forever, and every series has had its stupidity and its bad writing and its cringe moments but from the 13th doctor onwards it's just felt bad in like. a bad way lol. sometimes it's because they're trying too hard and it becomes contrived and convoluted, or sometimes it's just lazy and a lack of show don't tell . like it's all too spelled out or for want of a better word, "dumbed down". (or its just chris chibnall being chris chibnall etc.)

plus. idk. like i realise watching doctor who as an adult is different to watching it when you're younger, and watching the current series as it airs is different to rewatching series from 2 decades ago, but... idk. is 13 saying "fam" every 5 seconds objectively more cringe than 11 and his "bowties are cool" ? some may say no but.. i sort of feel like it is. there's levels and nuances to that sort of thing. tasteful cringe and annoying cringe. good cringe vs cringeworthy cringe. never be cringeworthy cringe or cowardly or whatever 12 said.

anyway. despite its flaws, this series was still fun and had enough of the Essence of dr who to not turn me off it completely, and i am looking forward to seeing more of ncuti next season. love and light

[autistpride]

Hi.. I hope you don't mind a bit of a long ask. So I've seen from your posts that you have autism, and I was wondering if I could have your opinion on something. More recently I've been questioning if I might have autism myself, but I'm really unsure about it and my family seems pretty adamant that I don't. The main reason that they think I don't is because they're used to stereotypes, and they don't think I could have it because I understand and use a lot of sarcasm, even though I've told them that it's a spectrum and everyone is different. Of course I know that your opinion won't make up for an official diagnosis, but as of now I'm too embarrassed to even mention that I MIGHT have it, because if I'm wrong I'll feel like one of those people who fakes disorders or something. So, if you're willing to listen, I was going to list out some of the traits that I've been called 'weird' or 'alien' over, and see if maybe you think they could possibly mean autism? I hope that's okay with you 😅

•I always get the exact same foods from restaurants that I go to frequently. If they don't have what I usually get, I most likely won't eat anything at all.

•Speaking of those foods, I always eat them in the exact same order. The burger, then the fries, then the nuggets. The breadsticks, then the fish, then the shrimp, y'know? I don't know when or why I started doing this, I've just sort of always done it.

•I have a huge problem staying still, something that I get very self conscious about in public. I'm always tapping my feet, rocking back and forth, clicking something in my hands, chewing on water bottle caps, and just generally refusing to sit in one spot. I also love to pace when I'm trying to formulate ideas, as I feel it really helps me think.

•I can't stand wearing jeans. I mean I won't go crazy if I have to, but they always make me feel restricted. I thought for a while that it was just how restricting they were, but I've found that other tight pants don't make me feel the same way?

•I DESPISE nail files. I can't explain it, but just the sensation of that sandpaper-like stuff rubbing against my nails activates my fight or flight response, I just feel like bolting it gives me bad goosebumps all over.

•I hyperfixate on stuff hard, I pick things up quick but also drop them hard. Recently I picked up DC/Batfam as a hyperfixation and I've been fully leaning into it ever since, spending pretty much all of my time making art or stories about it (Or at the very least thinking about the characters in some way). However back a few years ago I was hyperfixated on Markiplier Egos, and then one day I just.. Dropped it out of nowhere, and haven't been able to pick it back up since.

•This one's really iffy but I feel like I get irritated a lot super super easily, and I used to think it was just anger issues but for one: It's almost never something to get upset about, and for two: It usually happens when I've been talking to someone for a little too long or when someone interrupts my quiet time. So if we're going with the whole maybe autism thing, it might be overstimulation..? Idk..

•I'm super light sensitive, pretty much every time I go outside I say 'Wow it's bright out there" when I come back in. It's so noticeable that I used to not only notice, but attribute it to an eye injury I had once. Except that injury wasn't serious and is fully healed, so that's probably not it.

•I have a lot of trouble speaking sometimes. I feel like my words never come out the way that I want them to, and I often end up slurring them around so much that what I'm trying to say becomes pretty much incomprehensible, which always makes me frustrated because I get misunderstood a lot.

•I don't really understand what other people are feeling most of the time, and I get annoyed when they won't just tell me what they want instead of vaguely hinting about it and expecting me to know what they need.

•I'm always being told to speak up because I 'mumble', even though I think I'm talking at an acceptable volume.

•I ramble. A lot. (Sorry 😭👍)

But yeah, those are just some of the thing that I've been jokingly called 'strange' for over the years. Like I said earlier, I know that your opinion is nothing like an actual diagnosis, but hearing your thoughts on whether or not I might have it would mean a lot to me since you're someone who's been diagnosed!

Hi annon!

Let me preface this by saying I'm so proud of you for really taking the time to think about all this and dig into your life and behaviors.

Then to ask someone about it is very brave!

I wish there was a way to reply without showing your entire ask message. I feel terrible sharing your private thoughts with everyone.

I'm not a professional so I don't feel qualified to say yes or no. And as much as I want to give you some reassurance, I can't give you something definite. Especially when I don't know you in order to form a proper opinion.

Yes many of those things are things that indicate you could be autistic.

There is a lot of overlap and they could be things related to other Neurodivergent diagnosis such as ADHD, anxiety, OCD, etc and not just autism.

However, I will say if you're even questioning if you're autistic it's a pretty good chance you're autistic or some kind of Neurodivergent. Most neurotypical people often don't think this hard on if they could be autistic or not. 😉

You have put a lot of thought into this and my suggestion is to keep researching and doing what you're doing. Keeping notes also if you'd like. Why?

Because....

1. Keeping notes and continuing research allows you to have a record of everything.

2. The notes would also come in handy for if you ever seek an assessment.

3. With more time, you will become more self aware and confident in your thoughts on what you believe about if you're autistic. You can then sit down with your family and explain why you think you're autistic.

4. If the comes a time you'd like to try an assessment, you can talk to a gp or therapist if you have one and have them place the appropriate things for you to have that done. Your family needn't be part of the process if you're of legal age. But you may need adult permission for the evaluation if you are considered a minor.

5. Self diagnosis is valid in the autism community. Its valid because a diagnosis is very challenging for many to obtain, and in some situations dangerous.

This doesn't mean someone just wakes up one morning and says "oh I think I'm autistic today". No. They have done hours and hours of research and evaluated their own life, mannerisms, and behaviors, and said "I really think I'm autistic."

Self diagnosised individuals get the benefit of knowing themselves and finding support in the community without ever getting access to supports any official way. They can't get school/work accomodations, financial assistance, medical/mental health services, or really any supports put in place that require an official diagnosis to obtain.

Some would claim self diagnosis isn't valid due to exactly what you pointed out, making a claim of a diagnosis without qualifications and due to the huge overlap and other factors, but the wait times, cost, and unfortunately things like race and gender are barriers to obtaining an assessment and diagnosis. I know in the UK the current NHS wait time is 7-10 years unless you go private. I know in the US getting an assessment as an adult is challenging as most professionals won't evaluate people over 18 and the cost is upwards to $7k depending on location because most insurances won't cover it.

You are always welcome to continue messaging me. I'm happy to answer any questions and I honestly enjoy talking to people when I can.

And in case no one's told you

You're not broken, a burden, and there is nothing wrong with you!

Be your best and amazing self! ✨

[coolrpblog]

soryn wouldn't usually refer to a good friend as an asshole, but for kimuri? they could make an exception for him. the angel was content on simply not going anywhere, even not showing up to work in a while. their boss and modeling agent kept blowing up their phone, but they were ignoring everyone. it took kimuri showing up at their door to get them to see anyone. he insisted they get out of their apartment instead of remaining cooped up here, feeling terrible about themself. soryn told him to fuck off and he promptly said he'd make them leave if they didn't get ready and do it themself. they would sigh and begrudgingly get out of their old t-shirt and shorts, cleaning themself up. seems he wanted them to go to some bar, so soryn dressed more casually for it, opting for a maroon button-up with the sleeves rolled up, black slacks and a pair of black leather ankle boots. fine. they'll go.

kimuri gave them the address and told them the exact time to get there. okay... weird, but okay. so soryn grabs their keys and leather jacket with the spikes along the top of the shoulders and climbs onto their motorcycle, making their way to the bar. just in time, too. walking in, they order a drink for themself and look around. is there someone here they're supposed to— soryn sees him now, performing some sort of trick on the bar. well. damn. soryn just can't help but watch, totally mesmerized. after the crowd disperses, they approach. " how much to make you do that again? "

It was just one of those days where he wanted to go out and have some fun, maybe see if he can get a free drink or two while he was at it. One of his favourite tricks involved him having a half-filled cup balanced on his forehead to where he would not use his hands to manage to drink the contents of the cup without spilling a drop in the process.

It usually showed how much control he had with his core as well as his surprising flexibility for a man of his build.

So, when a new face made their way over to speak to him, Klein couldn't help but blink in surprise at first before laughing. "You don't need to pay me to do that again- It's a fun bar trick I like doing to sometimes get free drinks out of it." He grins to them. "So, I can do it again if it means you'd buy me a drink... though I could do it again without that too just for you."

[cardinaldante]

Greetings siblings of the church! Today, you will be getting two post! One this morning, and the other late after the midnight mass to tell you what's all going on!

So, other than that, this morning was a little weird. I was woken up by Phantom, who wasn't in his mask. He seemed to have been crying- his eyes were red and puffy and he looked upset. I asked what happened- and he told me that a brother had ripped his helmet off and destroyed it. Thankfully, the helmet wasn't Aethers(The quintessential ghoul that was Papa Copia's personal ghoul), but it still ment he was out of a helmet for now. I took his hand and let him wear one of my cardinal hats to make him feel better, and to cover his horns(Yes, siblings, they have horns) and off of we went. He kept his tail wrapped around my arm, which I didn't really mind. It felt comforting.

We finally found the brother, and he was harrasing another ghoul- a smaller ghoulette(Atleast, I'm pretty sure they're a girl, as they have boobs) whose body language was giving off wildly uncomfortable energy. The brother didn't even want to talk to me at first, saying that I 'didnt understand anything' and I should just 'fuck off'. It started a large argument that only ended when Papa Terzo- accompanied by a very tall looking ghoul that most likely was Omega- came around the corner. He stopped the argument, and asked me first what happened.

I explained everything that had happened- from Phantom's helmet to us coming up to the brother harrasing the ghoulette, and Omega growled. Like, actually growled. It terrified me- I felt like I wanted to flee from the hallway. Papa Terzo didn't seem any sort of worried, but Phantom moved closer to me, and wrapped his tail around my arm, while the ghoulette grabbed my shirt and squeezed herself as close to me as possible. It made me a little more calm, but I still felt terrified. Less running away though.

The brother still didnt seem phased- and told Papa Terzo that I was lying, and that since I was a kid, I needed to 'mind my own business'. I could almost see Papa Terzo's eyes change instantly the moment the brother said that. Once the brother was done, Papa Terzo stepped over, clasped him on the shoulder, and said,

"Congratulations, you've made your way onto the Ritual List."

Siblings, I'd never, EVER seen a person get so pale so fast. The brother apologized profusely to me before bolting away from us. It also... Confused me. Up until a few days ago, siblings, I was the one doing the ritual things- budgeting, adding names that Cardinal Mickelson gave to me, and taking the ghouls off of their duties ritual day/night, and the day after ritual- so I didn't understand why the brother was so scared. I opened my mouth to ask, but before I could, Papa Terzo asked if I was ready for Midnight mass tonight.

I regretfuly told him that I'd lost my rosary, but after I was done helping the ghoulette- Omega interjected and told me her name was Aurora, the other new ghoul- and Phantom, I was going to go back and grab it where I thought I left it. That led to me explaining Ifrit- and the greenhouse to Papa Terzo, and Omega looked... Angry. Or atleast, that's what he was giving off. He still had on a helmet, so I couldn't see his face, but he felt angry. He told me that i was forbidden from ever going back to the green house, and that he would get my rosary himself. Ghouls don't usually give out orders(They're technically just servants from the dark one), but Omega sounded serious, and he was very scary. Before I could say anything, he dissapeared. Like, infront of my eyes, siblings. I did not know ghouls could just... Dissapear.

Papa Terzo didn't seem as tense as Omega had, and gently agreed with Omega, telling me that I was no longer allowed by the old green house. I wanted to complain, but Papa Terzo's word- matter of fact- all the Papa's words are law. Omega returned just a little bit later and handed me back my rosary. Some of the beads were a bit scorched, like something had tried to burn the rosary. I thanked him, and he told me again to stay away from the greenhouse.

I told him I would, and we parted ways after that, me and Phantom- along with our newest member, Aurora- heading off to the library now so I could research some things for Midnight mass, since I now had my rosary. I hesitantly asked both of the ghouls with me if Omega was always that scary, and Aurora was the one that replied. She told me he was most likely being protective of Phantom, since Phantom had been following me around for the past few days, and didn't want Phantom to get hurt if I did go to the greenhouse. Putting a blanket ban on me made his job easier to keep his brother safe.

I didn't like it, but it wasn't like I was going to argue with Omega. Or Papa. I asked Aurora if she wanted to stay while I went through some of the boring books in the library, and she told me she didn't have anything to do, would rather not be in the ghouls den cause Sodo was in rut(Whatever the hell that ment??) And wasnt going to be bored and she'd wanted to come to the library anyways.

Maybe I'll check up on what the hell rut means while I'm at the library. Phantom and now Aurora has said it, and I have no clue what the hell it means, siblings.

[i-mybrunettelady]

Blorbo thoughts demand blorbo questions.

If Cass hates his family so much, why does he keep his surname? If he hates Theo so much, why doesn't he shave/dye his hair?

On one hand his hair is his identifying feature. He is called the Red Wayfarer because of it. On the other it is something painful. Why does he choose to keep the label given to him when he has so much power in his own hands to end his hair reputation at any moment he wishes? Is he not aware that he could just do it? Or is there some mental barricade that keeps him away from it?

Answer to all of this can be boiled down to spite. But it's more complicated than that, obviously, and it's probably gonna be a long boi, this post, so I might plop a readmore somewhere lmao

But yeah! This man runs on spite and sarcasm. He did consider changing his name to Sero's, but in the end, decided against it because he knows he's the first Wayfarer in the Inteus family (he doesn't know if there were more magiani, though, or if they were carefully hidden away just as he would've been had Cenric not knocked on his family's door.) Being a Wayfarer was his choice, first choice he ever made for himself for real, and he wanted to put a middle finger to the idea that Vestran nobility just doesn't have those pesky magiani children. He was also around 18-19 when he made that call.

He also cannot see himself as anything other than an Inteus. Theokleia haunts him - he's defined himself in relation to her since he was born. The identity of Wayfarer was just slapped on the already existing, aching underlayer of "unwanted son of Theokleia and Aiantes" that he can't shake off no matter what. He's always been told he's an Inteus, in a weird way, only very, very, very inherently bad at being one, so he went, 'yk what? fuck you. i'm purposefully breaking the mold.'

As things are right now, I don't think he'll ever be able to not be an Inteus. He might accept it and divorce it from Theokleia later, but right now, he cannot be anything else.

On the subject of hair, though...

It is his identifying feature, for sure. If you know Theokleia, you can guess they're related bc of that alone. But not simply because of that - I'll plop Cass and Theo I created in DAI for comparison.

He's his mother's freckled, carbon copy but with red eyes. Him dyeing his hair (because shaving isn't an option - that bit of Rhesainian/Vestran beauty standard is too ingrained in him to even consider shaving it) would be only 50% of the resemblance gone. And if he's gonna be Theo's mini-me, he decided, he's gonna do it 100%. Go big or go home, right?

And over the years, he's grown to accept it as part of himself. While he's still Theokleia's son overall, he's also a grown man in his own right so right now, at 31, he's in this weird position of both being very separated and very tied to her. He won't consider dyeing it right now and would laugh at your face if you suggested it, because he's accepted that he also has red hair, somewhat separate from Theokleia. If that makes sense.

(Fun fact - the hair is passed down from Theo's mother, Euanthe, who is not originally of the Inteus line. Right now, the redheads of the family are she, Theo, Cass and Cass' youngest sibling, Aftonio.)

As to the origins of the nickname, he got it after the Vestran civil war. He basically resisted Vasco in joining his side of the war for the crown, but Vasco used Cass' actions in the process of trying to locate the missing Guild acolytes that he was hired to find to aid his cause, which Cass greatly disliked and in order to get away from all that professionally, he just went with the nickname the people gave him. He ended up using it as a persona of sorts to protect himself emotionally from the world, though.

On top of the acceptance of the color (which is a huge ass win, all things considered) if he got rid of the red, he'd be willingly putting his shield down. That he cannot allow. In a situation in which he has no other protection, he can't let the Red Wayfarer go.

[mewtonian-physics]

I know somewhat of what you think of armstrongs ideals, but what are your thoughts on JDs end speech? (If this takes a while to answer I understand msjad)

i mean it ranges from kind of reasonable to completely fucking insane

it actually starts insane, talking about having evolved over the last 200 years like it wasn't an ai conceptualized within the last fifty years. and acting like it's tied to the very existence of america rather than, again, an ai system that can easily be destroyed. the ai has what i'd almost call a god complex. very self-inflated ego, which is not what you'd expect from an ai

but i assume you were asking about the general ideals. a lot of it is hard to take in because it's so bizarre but i'll try to give my thoughts on what i can

the way it talks about how humans pass on information and culture in a similar way to genetics is actually really interesting. it's not something i ever thought of from that perspective, but it's not wrong. whether by human choice or random chance, only specific things have been passed on, the rest lost to time. but now, with things like the internet, it's that much easier for information to be kept preserved. it's no longer as important to focus on what should be passed on and what shouldn't be, because so much more can be kept (though even that is somewhat fragile, as anyone who's ever been the victim of ransomware can tell you). this allows for the preservation of small things like friends joking around or the random thoughts of all sorts of people, but it also makes it much easier to perpetuate truly dangerous lines of thought, which the ai points out. it's not wrong that a lot of harmful information is being preserved without any real hindrance, and it's not wrong that the misinformation and echo chambers ('convenient truths' as it says, 'everyone withdraws into their own small gated community') created as a result of how incredibly easy it is to share such information these days are causing horrific effects on society. also, it makes points about weird juxtapositions of morality ('billions spent on new weapons in order to humanely murder other humans.' 'be nice to other people--' 'but beat out the competition.' telling people they're special and they can succeed if they believe in themselves when in reality it's just not that simple at all.)

so honestly it points out a lot of real problems--but its way of fixing that is censorship. um, i mean, 'creating context'. which is to say, choosing what is important and what should be discarded. worse than that, though, is the idea of taking what's decided to be important and then deciding how everyone should interpret--essentially using an ai to control human thought. in fact, that's outright stated, when raiden asks 'you want to control human thought? human behavior?' and the ai simply responds with 'of course. anything can be quantified nowadays.' they used raiden as a test subject to see if it was possible. that is their solution to all problems--simply take away free will. make humanity into machines being told what to think without any opposing ideas, and as such, doing exactly what the ai wants. it's pretty consistent with a surprising amount of metal gear antagonists, especially in raiden's character arc--they point out genuine issues, but their ideas on how to fix them are horrifying and packed full of human rights violations.

tl;dr you made some good points but man are you bad at problem solving

[good-mourning-mate]

Maaate,

Something is not sitting right.

You warned me about your family, and now it seems that they're taking from you. The day after we said our farewells to you. I don't know what they're taking, though. So, maybe I am going crazy.

It can happen, though. Going crazy, I mean. Especially after sitting with a corpse for the past three days. The corpse of your close friend kept warm by a ventilator. The doctors had wanted to do more tests, but I knew it was pointless. There was no brain activity on the previous scans carried out. You were clearly brain-dead. The top of your head was deathly cold, as were the tips of your fingers.

Your niece, Simone, said she needed to spend time with the cats alone. She stressed that she wanted to play with them and to just spend some in your space. So, I went there to feed them and waited for Simone to arrive so that we could get another fob key from the caretaker. That way, we can all gain access to your flat without incident. We sorted the fob keys, and I reminded her to cook and eat some food so that it doesn't go to waste. We then hugged, and I reassured her that everything's okay. I left and got in an Uber at 2.55pm.

At 4.21pm, I get a message from her saying that she'd taken a few things from yours, at her mum's request, and that she was now going home.

It's not sitting right with me.

I know there's nothing I can do. I can't stop them taking your stuff. I don't know why it's bothering me so much. I mean, you're no longer alive, so it's not bothering you, is it? So, why is it bothering me? Is it just because of your previous warnings. So, I'm a bit paranoid about your family's intentions, or am I justified in feeling weirded-out by Simone's brief visit just now?

Something just seems off, mate.

I'll be going back later to feed the kitties again. And then tomorrow, I'll be moving them to my house until I can find furever homes for them. I've messaged that catdad, Paul, who you mentioned in your final note, but I've not received a reply as of yet.

I'm keeping Bubz. He can live with me. But I'll make sure, if anything, Archer & Annie stay together, and Bear & Tiggs stay together.

Oh, and yesterday, while your family & I were standing around you in ICU. Your mother, Deana, decided to switch lanes and started running her gums about how you lying there in that state was somehow my fault. About how I was horrible to you during our last conversion on Monday and about how I shouldn't be there with you.

She was proper projecting, mate. She's one bitterly twisted sociopath. You did always tell me that. I told her that it was mostly her fault, that she was a shitty parent, how she didnt even have the decency to return your calls, and that she's the one who shouldn't be there because she didn't deserve you, as her daughter.

Your sister, Phoebe, along with your longtime friend, Tammy & that guy who is not your boyfriend, Joseph, were silenced. No one said anything. Your mother eventually stormed off out of the ward. It was at this point that they all verbally agreed that Deana was always bang out of order. And that I should just ignore her. It was all hushed, though, like everybody fears her wrath.

Your aunt Lizzy died yesterday morning due to cancer. It was the same day Phoebe gave consent for the doctors to stop the machines that were keeping your body from decaying.

Your mother must've been communicating with a lot of other family. Regarding yours and Lizzy's deaths. But something just seemed fake about her, mate. Like, she was crying only because she remembered to. Like something would prompt her to shed a few tears, then they swiftly dry up.

And that, Joseph, the guy who's not your boyfriend, but you played the role of his girlfriend since August. You know, the guy who you were shouting at down the phone on Monday while you put that ligature around your neck.

You could've just called me again to tell me how you were feeling at that moment. We'd not long since spoken. You know I'd always shut up & listen if you seemed in a bad state.

But I digress, yeah, well him, that Joseph. He tries way too hard, man. He wants to be useful. He does that so that people like him, and gradually, he hopes they become dependent on him. That is his trauma-response. He was probably mocked, possibly humilated as a child for any shortcomings perceived. So, he overcompensates, just like you did, but he's desperate for acceptance, whereas you craved validation. He's eagerly offered to help with moving the kitties, insistence, even.

The kitties are doing okay.

They're all eating and drinking regularly. Archer has still got fire liquid poo, the poor boy.

I've just reached yours. Simone has taken that massive painting of you off the wall. I couldn't tell if anything else was taken, though, because you've got too much stuff.

Why did she make up that whole scenario of wanting to be in your space with the kitties instead of just saying she's coming round to take some of your stuff and see the cats for a min. It's a bit shady, that. Why swerve their intentions like that? Again, maybe I'm overthinking it, but it just seems off.

She's made food but not washed up after herself. Who the fuck does she think is around to clean up after her, eh?

People, eh. Grown folks, at that ffs

20:10

taken from the journal "Good Mourning, mate"