#and now my evenings are BOOKED bc of this obsession
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i rly hate how i dont have a qsmp obsession, i just have a q!bbh obsession. which would be fine and more manageable (just one streamer!) if that one streamer didnt stream for six hours straight every day
#like. i am a chemical engineering major.#i on average do homework 6 hrs/day#and now my evenings are BOOKED bc of this obsession#but hey im having the time of my life ill probably pass everything...
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I am unreasonably upset about the fact that I've been forced to accept that Gabriel was a Gerald.
For context, in An Inspector Calls, Gerald Croft is engaged to Sheila Birling when he meets a homeless, struggling Eva Smith in a bar, and essentially in return for a home and money he shows her affection (ahem), then gets rid of her once he no longer has a use for her. Now, obviously this isn't a direct translation, but the essentials are - a Gerald is a character who uses another character, in return for something they need, usually masking the fact that they're using them with affection and love.
And against my will I've had to accept that this is exactly what Gabriel does to Nathalie.
Did I want to think he had potential to be better? Did I think he genuinely cared for Nathalie?? Hell, did I just really really want somebody to care about Nathalie???
Probably all of the above but the point is: he's Gerald. And I cannot - I literally can't unsee it now. Their whole dynamic in S3 is like “oh boohoo I'm sorry I wish you didn't have to use the peacock Miraculous and kill yourself over it but uh I need to use your powers” “yeah no that's fine I'm all good”. Which, given the "Gerald" theorem, I'm assuming leads to the fact that what Nathalie needed, above all, was someone to care about her - and Gabriel came along, as Sheila Birling puts it, "like a fairytale prince", and was so caring and gentle and... Yeah. She fell for him. And. Yeah he genuinely did seem to care like twice. But so did Gerald. Gerald actually admits that he did care for Eva, just not the way that she cared for him, and, uh, not enough to not just dispose of her. So he discards her anyway when she stops being useful.
Leading me neatly to my point.
He starts using the peacock Miraculous the second it's fixed, the slimy bastard, HOWEVER. It runs way deeper than that. Assuming I'm right (which I almost DEFINITELY am), then Gabriel only needed Nathalie while she was useful. She didn't stop being useful in season three - she's still scheming for him, helping him with plan after plan. It's only partway through season 5 that she officially servers ties with him, and starts to actively hinder him.
Nathalie stops being useful when she fails as Safari. And I reckon that's when Gabriel and Tomoe decided she had to go.
(It's painfully, I-was-ugly-crying-over-it obvious in Conformation that Gabriel is fully prepared to let Nathalie die - in the original storyboard, her alliance was encouraging her to sleep, and he's very obviously prepared for this moment - I've made a separate post about it that I'll link if I can find it. However, onto the next bit)
With all of this, there's one thing that sticks out to me - Nathalie didn't see any of it until it was already too late. There could be many reasons for this. But you know who would have seen through it? Whose parents were all loving and perfect until she married the wrong man? Emilie. Emilie, who left behind those videos, which on the surface look innocent, but when you look deeper look like a (love confession???????) AHEM a warning. I reckon Emilie noticed what was going on and realised that Nathalie wouldn't see through Gabriel, so she left those videos addressed to Nathalie (not Gabriel, which surely they should have been - they were about him, after all - unless they were there...) as a warning. I don't think the videos were supposed to be about helping Gabriel, I think Emilie was warning Nathalie to get the fuck out of that house, and to take Adrien with her. Because Emilie knew it'd end like this.
Yes I'm still mad ok give me a break.
#Not a direct translation obviously#(although I hate the fact that my brain has AUTOMATICALLY made the links between the peacock Miraculous and Emilie and... yeah#as in#it fits better than it should as an allegory)#Anyway yeah my mad evening ramblings™#This began as an angry rant and became a theory#But yeah it's so so obvious I've said it before but it's SO glaringly obvious that Nathalie is desperate for any kind of affection#“girl what were YOU doing at the devil's sacrement -” I am also desperate for affection!!!! Shut up I'm talking!!!!!#It's really really obvious like I'd guess#(given that she seems to live with the Agrestes and has a... past certainly)#there's no family in the picture#And yeah so I'm tired now if you have questions ask them I'll elaborate#Just remember that I'm so fucking obsessed with An Inspector Calls that it's genuinely a plot point in one of my books#So the comparison makes sense ok???? Let me go to bed#(read found-family fanfic and cry)#miraculous ladybug#miraculoustalesofladybugandcatnoir#nathalie sancoeur#gabriel agreste#emilie agreste#adrien agreste#miraculous#an inspector calls#gerald croft#Yes I'm tagging this with AIC and Gerald ok I want a bunch of GCSE students to look up the tag and be confused out of their fucking minds#Voilà i guess#Oh yeah there's problems with this bc Emilie tells Nathalie to stop Gabe#but there's nothing saying she didn't then add “oh and if you can't then get the hell outta there babes”#“with OUR little prince” (????? That line is still so confusing what does it MEAN)#Oh ig I should tag this with eminath bc of the last bit
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the dash is asleep and no one really goes here but i started reading the a/tlas six (1st book). and yeah don't be surprised if i am going to add one or more of those lil freaks to the new canon multi i am cooking up. i have so many characters from books i want to write but most of them are such obscure series or standalone books that i could lit tell you anything and you'd have no choice but to believe me. anyway i'll be mostly busy today with setting up the blog and graphics. might play some games afterwards bc i am adding some characters and i need to juice up on their lore a bit, if only what i want to apply tbh.
#out of the nether❟ ooc ✧#when i am done with the atlas six i am going to start the p/oppy war bc i KNOW i will pick up a character or two from there#the amount of pages kind of freaks me out ngl. i am not the type of person to read multiple books at the same time#but i think i might become that person. this is how i'll get through the 30+ unread books on my shelf#my eternal wall of shame#i also have s.he who became the/sun on the shelf. ALSO a massive book like ??? how do people read a book in one or two days???#i say that while i could do that before i was in uni ... after that i never really was the same WJDKSHKFdramatic for no reason but also its#true?? like when i was in uni i stopped reading books as a hobby bc reading articles was ALL i had to do and that shit is tiring#and NOW i am trying to get back into it again. so here's to 2k25 being the year i finally get back into reading#..... i suddenly got reminded that i got the first book of the w.itcher series as well nAUUUUUURDUIFWJSHKG i was so obsessed with the show#that i went out and bought it and I NEVER LOOKED BACK AT IT#i need to get back in to the w.itcher as well. maybe evn get the games too idk we'll see#anyway enough yapping!! catch me on d/isco. i'll be slow but i'll be there today mostly#i am lit running on only 2-3 hours of sleep and not even /actual sleep/..... my head feels so foggy & fuzzy.#this is inSANE. my sleeping schedule is so fucked lately. lit went to bed at like 5 am only to wake up 3-ish hours later
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Okay, but I'm casting my mind back to try to imagine how I would have felt about tboc daryl before season 10 got me so stupid about this show, when I used to be a casual viewer. And I still think I'd have just thought daryl lost his mind tbh.
This is just me going off on tangents about the show now, don't mind me.
He felt a bit off in season 1, I can't lie. The costume change would have thrown me even if I wasn't as attached, because I'm probs just the type of neurodivergent that struggles with too much change at once, and him being away from TF, in Europe, and looking so different, then calling Laurent useless, then the ways he looked at Isabelle at the end of 1x06 - that was all just too different to the Daryl I knew idk. But I stuck with it.
But having his first on-screen kiss be so entirely unpredictable for what I thought I knew of his character felt gratuitous*. And then it's like suddenly I'm being railroaded into following him on this rolleroaster that I don't understand. One minute he's longing for home, the next he's playing baseball and "just having fun". Then home has found him, but now he's invested in this kid I still haven't learnt to feel invested in yet. And he's never even talking about anything to do with home anymore, even after Carol is there? It's suddenly all just about Laurent, and part of the problem for me is there wasn't enough balance to convince me of the story.
And I think this was most of my difficulty with enjoying TOWL, too. (Don't come for me please for talking about my personal experience of watching TOWL.) I watched TOWL first out of all the spinoffs, and I remember this one part where I think Michonne and Rick were in a kitchen or something and Rick felt so different to me and it made me sad, and then she called it out. And he said something like that it's been so long, he's lost who he used to be or something like that. I can't remember exactly, but it made me sad. And I think, for me, I didn't get enough glimpses of the Rick I recognised within the short 6 episodes that I never felt satisfied or happy with it. And maybe I needed more TF references or something??? I didn't even feel enough concern for Judith or RJ from him - maybe I'm misremembering, but I think your memory of the feeling something gave you is important. I get that the leadership want these spinoffs to be accessible to people who didn't watch the flagship show, but I think that's a big part of where it's losing the magic for me.
The thing that was better for me about DD season 1 is that it was all about getting home, and his determination felt relentless throughout the first 5 and a half episodes before it suddenly got weird with Isabelle acting like they've been a family for 19 years. Like, before that, I felt connected to his mission.** But then in season 2, it's almost completely gone, and Carol feels like the only part I can still connect with. Like, I know Rick didn't mention Daryl either I think, but I wish both of them had talked about each other. Idk, it just would have felt more like it's giving me something I can connect with? Rather than just throwing the characters into entirely new situations and also deliberately making them feel a bit out of character?
That whole part in TOWL where Michonne feels surprised to find Rick a bit changed is so similar to what they seemed to want to do with Daryl and Carol, and I don't really get why they did it to either of them. It's more believable with Rick than Daryl bc 1. He isn't Daryl and definitely adapts more to new environments, and 2. It had been many, many, many years, not like a month. But idk, I still wasn't keen, but at least they gave it a redemption arc or whatever you'd call it. With daryl it's still just like - ???? And for what reason??? I don't know. I just don't find it compelling idk idk idk.
*Even in season 9, when we met Connie, I felt a bit like 'oh are they gonna force a ship here bc they have them spending time together 🤨 (rather than just letting connie want to help for her own character reasons rather than making it about daryl and shipping), but if it's gonna be someone who isn't carol, I think I'm okay with connie', like bc we actually had reasons to like her and there was chemistry with Daryl. So why neither Connie nor Carol, but Isabelle? The show just never got me invested in darabelle in any way.
I already liked connie before they had her going on missions with daryl, so I actually cared about her a lot. I loved seeing her on those missions bc I was excited for her to have more screen time and I found her character empowering. So, I didn't want to see her reduced to just being Daryl's love interest, and tbh, I don't think they handled it well, bc they still reduced her to being Daryl's accessory, rather than giving her her own character depth. But I *still* would have been more on board with pairing up Daryl with Connie than Isabelle. Tbh, by the time that Carol was broken up with zeke, and they had the conversation about running away together, I didn't think of Daryl and Connie as making sense to pair anymore... But I also didn't see much point in the Leah romance either, so whatever, I guess this show just has a pattern of pairing up Daryl with random women he doesn't have chemistry with, instead of the ones he does?
**I always remember that Zabel pitched the idea for the show as "what if, in trying to get home, you find something else?", and the thing is, in order to get me to be convinced that Daryl "found something else", I'd have needed A LOT stronger of a pull for the French story. There was nothing there that hooked me to becoming convinced of Daryl finding something while trying to get home. Just having him voice the words "I found something", having Laurent the prophet say "you miss her too, I can tell", putting his crossbow next to Isabelle's hospital bed, and having him look at her for an extended time after she recovers, doesn't suddenly convince me of that idea. Idk. I'm not in the TV industry, so I don't know how that magic gets done - like when season 10 slowly turned Lydia into one of my favourite characters after she was introduced as an antagonist. But I have enough brain cells to see (from the moment they nonsensically forced them to share a bed??) that they were trying to convince us Daryl found "something" in France, and tbh, if I can see the strain in their efforts to make it happen, it's probably not working. And even NR couldn't answer why Isabelle when asked at NYCC. He was literally like, "idk they have similar pasts?? Idk???". Like, girl, if you don't know, why should your audience?
#I write a lot of stream of consciousness bs like this and usually just save it in my drafts lol bc why would anyone want to read it#and it just takes up space but idk today im pressing post and prob gonna delete it later tbh#also again PLLLLEASE dont come for me about talking about one of the spinoffs im not even going to tag it#I mean im not even going to type it here so it doesnt tag it#my takes arent meant to be perfect theyre just my takes#and specifically rn im trying to look at it from a gut feeling place rather than an over analysing place and these are mostly my gut feelin#daryl dixon is a horrendous title and ive felt that way since before I became as invested as ive become#that was a gut feeling#and now im just obsessed with it#thats just how my ADHD brain works ig#but I happily watched twd without being obsessed with it for 12 years which is 11 years and 8 months longer than ive been obsessed with it#my brain just decided this is my next hyperfixation bc s10 happened to wow me right as I was getting bored with my last one#my last one was actually hiking mountains lol that was a lot healthier and more socially acceptable and I didnt receive any online bullying#tboc#the book of carol
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Is there any media that's left a lasting impact on you?
So I’m going to give two answers, one the obvious, and another bonus answer for variety’s sake :3
Pmd explorers has possibly had the greatest lasting impact on me that any piece of media ever has. As my introduction to pokemon, I felt like I was playing partly as Hero would’ve experienced it—with absolutely no idea what to expect, and no background knowledge of anything. But the way it quickly changed from “heehee creature adventure :3” to “what does it truly mean to live and how can you shine as brightly as you can, even in the face of oblivion?” caught me quite off guard. It really made me start to think about how I could try to make the most of my life, how people’s actions can be hugely shaped by their situations, and how you really can’t take even the most simple of things for granted. I played this at 12 y/o during an otherwise very disruptive/isolated time in my life, so I’m not sure if that’s partly why my brain latched onto this as much as it did, but I genuinely felt like it helped me get through it. Whenever I felt weak or powerless back then, I found inspiration from how strong hero, partner, and grovyle had to be to get through everything, and it felt like it made coping just a bit easier. Fast forward to a much better time in my life, and it’s helped me find a wonderful, incredibly talented online community and friends, and I have an absolute blast being able to interact with you guys and see your takes on the series!
The other piece of media that had a lasting impact was Allie Brosh’s book Hyperbole and a Half. I hadn’t known before reading it, but she actually had a blog of the same name around the early 2010s, where she’d post her funny comics and stories. The part that had the most impact on me was actually her iconic ‘poorly drawn’ MS paint kind of style. It made me realize that you don’t necessarily have to make professional quality art to make something worth seeing. This inspired me not only to start posting my own doodles and stuff online, but also changed my approach when dealing with a lot of daunting things. Whenever I feel like I’m not good enough/skilled enough to try something, I remember how popular her stuff was, despite looking ‘low quality,’ and it reminds me that doing something low quality is better than not doing it at all!
#billycorn#thanks for the ask!#Dang went on for way longer than I intended lol#Yeah as anyone who’s looked at this blog ever knows I am very Normal about explorers#And I really do love getting to talk about the series with other people and see/read all the wonderful stuff they make!#Absolutely NO ONE I know irl seems to care about pmd#Even my friends that are/were pokemon fans just didn’t seem into it for some reason#So coming on tumblr and seeing people still talking about it 10+ years later was absolutely fantastic#Bc I spent those 10+ years just internally obsessing with no outlet lol#Also if you ever wanna check out Brosh’s books (she has 2 now) I definitely recommend#Her stories are largely unrelated (especially in the first one) but they always make me laugh out loud#Although sometimes there are some rather heavy topics discussed so maybe proceed with caution
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picked up a copy of and read the king in yellow (signalis reasons) and going in was like hmmmmm this probably wont end up being something i take inspiration from for the fic it’d be too on the nose to take inspiration from the king in yellow and i dont want much horror inspiration haha. and then like half of the book is romance anyways im so fucked either way yayyyy
#good book not the best idea to advertise it solely based on the king in yellow parts bc its only present for less than half the book#anyways i miiight do sole stuff with ideas of madness and forbidden knowledge and whatever#obsession is easy i can probably fold that in with the biology stuff. the more plot focused stuff is still fuzzy#salty talks#anyways my favorites were the first and fourth stories tho the one with the cat is also good#trying to figure out how it related to signalis beyond. being literally present. rn im just getting theme inspiration#ive read it once and just watched a letsplay lf the game i think a yter was gonna do vids on the book and then signalis#also. not used to actually seeking out and reading a book that something alludes to and uses the way signalis does the king in yellow#so im just sitting here like. ok what do i do with this now. i have a new book. with surprisingly fun romance for a late 1800s book#i was not in it for the romance and even now im more a fan of the former half of the book but honestly? the romance was kinda cute#the interactions between the characters in the romances were cute it surprised me that i kinda found them fun#this is me talking abt rhe bellum x linebeck fic btw. but also did get the book bc of doomed yuri symbolism and themes
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get to know me ✨️
tagged by @anxieteandbiscuits @diazass @bekkachaos @hippolotamus @trashbaget @disasterbuckdiaz @spotsandsocks @userdisaster @devirnis @jeeyuns @transbuck @wikiangela @daffi-990 @king-buckley
thank you my darling beloveds! i LOVE you all!
tagging: @elvensorceress @spaceprincessem @shortsighted-owl @paranoidbean @jobairdxx @mysteriouslyyounggalaxy @monsterrae1 @loserdiaz @buddierights @lover-of-mine @housewifebuck @forthewolves @rewritetheending @giddyupbuck @honestlydarkprincess @aziraaphales @cowboy-buck @cowboydiazes @cowboy-buddie @captain-hen @eddiediaaz @shitouttabuck @diazblunt @911onabc @translasso and anyone else who wants to play!
#bees are the most beloved thing to me and i am obsessed with them and have five tattooed on me if that tells you anything#its hard to pick a fave movie but i went with ever after bc i love it so much and it was my nanas fave that we watched together all the time#fall is the best contest#i dont think eddie needs an explanation#green is gorgeous and i would die for her#writing controls me and i love it dearly even tho i hate it sometimes and i also i have an actual typewriter i use#plundered skulls is my favorite nonfiction book and my fave fiction is under the whispering door by tj klune#fave song as of right now is chalk outlines by ren for many many reasons some of which are blorbo reasons#and i would perish without sprite#if you read all of that i love you so much and am kissing you with tongue#ryan rambles#personal#tag game#about me
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How are you a germophobe and an emt? Not hating, just curious!
I mean I never said I was a good EMT lmaooo no but fr that's why I work at events and not on an ambulance, I get to stay outside and never have to be trapped in an enclosed area with someone who might be sick. Plus I am just an EMT, and I work with a paramedic, so he does the majority of the care while I document and get supplies/extra equipment. And I do get vitals the majority of the time bc usually the patients aren't obviously infectious and I'm chilling until they're symptomatic lmao. But yeah no overall being in the field is a terrible fit for me, but I've got all the knowledge and I'm damn good at teaching, and we get a lot of students, so I've got a good thing going where I'm at now 😌
#not snz#again tho i don't work much it's pretty per diem#i don't make enough per year to even have to pay taxes on it lmao#what's kinda funny/sad tho is that if the pandemic never happened I'd 100% be a medic by now#probably working for an actual emergency service#bc i wasn't nearly this much of a germaphobe before#like i didn't wanna get sick and had my little cleaning rituals and everything but i didn't care nearly as much#it's fucking obsessive now lmao like it's not good#a pandemic was my literal biggest “irrational” fear so I've never been the same since#which sucks bc i wanted this so desperately but i was so anxious and disgusted by everything when i did my clinicals#like there was just no way#but again i love teaching it and i really am super good with the book stuff so i have that going for me#thank god my partner is fine doing the majority of the patient care tho but it evens out bc i like to document and he hates that shit 😌#love writing the reports 😌#but yeah no this isn't a career move or anything this is just me stalling bc idk wtf to do lmao#i have ideas but there's nothing that makes me excited the way ems/fire does#so at this point in my life I'm just settling for the fact that any job i get will be for the paycheck only and i won't like it 😔#but anyway yeah this was the og dream job but the pandemic killed it so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#do not recommend this field if you're a germaphobe lmao i hate it here but i like my current gig so it is what it is
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WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME BURROWS END WASNT FREE
#I DIDNT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BUT STILL. SOMEONE SHOULDVE WARNED ME BEFORE I GOT COMPLETELY INVESTED#I know next to nothing abt dimension 20 I’m pretty sure I just saw a post abt burrows end specifically MONTHS ago and was like 👀👀👀#opened a tab with the first episode to watch later and promptly forgot about it#until last night! having a bad night and was like hrm what if I just watch smth#and I’ve been reading watership down recently!! finally got my own copy bc it was my favourite book when I was like NINE#so I am fully primed to fall in love with a story abt little animals rn and man#I am OBSESSED with this and also realising yeah I’m at a point where I could get very into tabletop rpgs now#what if. what if I just get dropout. what if I just do that. would that not be fun. I would like to see the stoats do stuff#i am so in love with Ava and her player and I understand so much more about brennan lee mulligan now. and VIOLA#viola may be my favourite character I’m obsessed with how she interacts with other characters.m#i NEED to know what’s up with thorn’s cult thing. and also thorn. what is going on there#hrrgrhehh the thing that’s holding me back is I’m allergic to subscriptions#impermanence. even though I know it’s fairly unlikely I’ll wanna watch it again any time soon I don’t like the idea that I’d have to like#in a couple years pay for it again or not be able to bc I can’t afford it even though I already paid for it once#I’m a books + cartridge games guy and it shows.#okay. I will chew on this. the price is not unreasonable and I have coincidentally also been looking at make some noise clips#it does not help that I basically never watch things but my favourite podcast is also ending within the next month (2 episodes left)#and this IS primarily audio so I could cook + watch mayhaps. and I’ve heard good things abt all other d20.#they have a 20% off first year deal on. annual would make me less stressed long term if I end up liking this bc cheaper + choice premade#and would also mean I can do it now and not feel bad abt wasting the first month bc I won’t be able to watch much for a few weeks#fuck it I’m allowed to make frivolous purchases sometimes I will simply swallow the subscription distaste#more stoats >:)#that aside all the players are incredible I’m pretty sure when this is done I’ll wanna watch other seasons just to see what else they do#okay go do the thing I believe in you you can spend money sometimes#luke.txt#update I downloaded the app. I am putting off the decision for another day now bc it’s 1:21am and I have not been thinking clearly <3
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So it was YOU! YOU'RE the one who made me think wanting to kiss my best friend in primary school was a normal friendship thing DAISY WELLS!! CURSE YOU AND THE GOOD CHARACTERISATION/FORESHADOWING IN THE IN-CHARACTER GLOSSARY!!!!!!
#Decided I want to try and reread Murder Most Unladylike but I couldn't find the first book so I skipped to the second#And this is such good foreshadowing for her being a lesbian (read just past that scene after finding out about it and trying to finish that#book but it was during my first burnout on reading in secondary school)#But like. Now I'm thinking it was maybe part of why I thought my crushes were just friend things#Like this wouldn't be the one thing that did it but it was maybe a big contributing factor bc I loved the word pash#I was a little obsessed with it I thought (and tbh still think) it's a cute word#But like. What I had weren't that bc they were crushes even though I do think pashes are a thing!! Like strong platonic desire for someone!!#Idk I'm rambling in the tags#murder most unladylike#daisy wells
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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sometimes i miss how i engaged with my interests before i started being more online, there was a purity and authenticity to it
#it got destroyed unfortunately so I can't post pictures but when i was obsessed with the Jonas Brothers from age 11-14#i had a scrap book in a composition book of pictures of them I'd cut out from magazines and I'd write stupid things#at no point was i influenced by people other than some irl friends who shared in and fueled my obsession#i didn't give a fuck about other people opinions or discourse#i just vibed by myself and did t care if people thought I was weird or a freak#which. a lot of people teased and picked on me for my weirdness.. and unfortunately it's tainted how i interact with interests now#I don't let people see or know what i like or am into. bc I remember the teasing and mocking#and part of me is like 'no kill that part that learned to cringe#bc even tho I literally do not gaf about the Jonas brothers nowadays#I can't deny how pure and authentic my passion was#I'm really sad that journal got ruined and i had to throw it away bc it was so cool actually#i wish I could tell my 13 y/o self how cool their 28 y/o self thinks they are#fuckin hurricanes.. ruin everything
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read the sunshine court and have never been more impatient in needing a second book my god
#tsc#tsc spoilers#tagging bc im talking in the tags but holy fuck im ngl i came into the book as a jerejean shipper but now im shipping him with EVERYONE#him and renee were so sweet god i cant#him taking her photo and thinking about rainbows 😭#but also excited for my man Jeremy bc he's got layersTM like an onion#need to know why he doesn't like his family and if he ever confides in Jean to convince Jean to confide in him#but also them oggling each other was hilarious#jean said his name once and had jeremy kicking his feet and twirling his hear#jean's braim shutting off whenever jeremy is shirtless avdhdj#need them to get together but i love Jean and his story and im so glad i reread aftg before reading this book#obsessed with jerejean as individuals and i love how much Jean appreciates the othrler Trojans#GAAAAH#also heart was in my ass when Grayson attacked Jean and thank god my boy neil sent out a hit on that fucker#also people realizing neil looks insane to other people like um yes...literally everytime he opens his mouth even in his POV#he says some scary shit bro 💀#adding more tags bc i forgot to talk about kevin but i also can't get over their angst its just so good#their time together at evermore and jean teaching him french only for it to be the used against him by accident#they're too fucked up to ever really be friends again but they've both got their own support systems now#thinking about them meeting to do the interview ... chewing on glass#i have to go ravage ao3 now
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watched the moominvalley AND 90s anime takes on the Last Dragon back to back earlier and I'm still so fucked up emotionally
#what if there was a living metaphor for our relationship and I just kind of gave it to a passing fisherman to avoid that whole business#because you're desperately conflict avoidant and terrified of being left and i'm juggling genuine desires for Me Time#with glaring emotional issues#and this little last living miracle of nature was making us both extremely upset/uncomfortable with the issues it invoked#and *points* king of conflict avoidance and dude who would literally rather die than not seem chill about everything#the moominvalley take is crunchy and emotionally devastating enough but THE 90S ANIME....#the fact it's paired with snufkin casually trying to leave months early because uhhhh. The Cards#(and I say 'casually' but you KNOW he is not casual about it but no he's chill! there's no real Reason he's looking for an excuse#to take off it's The Cards. gonna catch some minnows to give me an excuse to book it now)#and he KNOWS it's breaking moomin's heart but he just can't address that#and giving away the Troubling Underlying Problems dragon is paired with him giving away the minnows that were his excuse to leave#but he can't say he DECIDED to stay or that he didn't want the dragon he just. straight up lies. KING of emotional distance dysfunction#if we didn't lie about this we'd lose our potential no-fault excuses for booking it in the future! i love him sm#and moomin just accepts the dragon vanishing bc he's willing to settle just for snufkin hanging out with him#and they end the ep by moomin calling the dragon 'silly' and snufkin saying it'd be bad to keep because it's fickle and unloyal...#gnawing on the table. i did not expect this relationship to Get me so hard but by god the problems and issues are right up my alley#i'm always obsessed with the complexity of 'we both have problems and different emotional/practical needs in a relationship'#'and loving each other is painful and complicated even though it's so important to both of us'#and I actually do not find it in fiction very often#vic talks#aside from that one fanart I reblogged yeah this is how everyone finds out I'm getting into the moomins. sorry in advance
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Personally, I think if critically acclaimed classical author Alexander Dumas could look at his most well-known creation, The Three Musketeers, and go “Okay but what if the hot evil lady had a secret child who then grows up and interacts with people responsible for his mother’s death”, then 12 year old me was in her full right to turn around and do the same thing
#my sister called me cringe today and this is how I’m coping#she enjoyed expanding on my ocs with me when we were 12 and 10 but now she’s 15 and thinks it’s ridiculous that I’m still going#but I don’t care. cringe is dead anyway#I’m cringe but I’m free#also I spent like 40 minutes making a three musketeers edit this evening so they’re on my mind#and no I was not aware that milady winter had a kid until like. a few months ago#despite being into the three musketeers for a while now#it’s bc the sequel movies with boyarsky are mediocre at best but I haven’t finished reading the og book so I don’t wanna read the sequel yet#endless loop what can I say#and her having a kid wasn’t the reason I became obsessed with her. I just dug deeper into her backstory and got sad and attached#also margarita Terekhova is like really pretty but that’s just a bonus#okay I’m gonna be ranting here forever if I don’t get a grip so I’m stopping
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just finished jade war. Um ‼️
#girl. i have never been more stressed reading a book oh my goddddd those final few chapters had me by the fucking throat#i gasped countless times. i had to put the book down and PACE and that never happens ever .......#every moment i wasn't reading my gut was roiling with anxiety wondering what was going to happen next#fonda lee had me on the edge of my fucking seat that's for sure#okay im going to talk about spoilers now so look away if you must#THE DEATH SCARES WITH RU AND WEN AND ANDEN HAD ME SCREAMINGGGGG I WAS SO SCARED WTF#also we Love the poetic cinema of anden’s climactic scene in the first book being him taking away life and then in this book#it's him giving life back#LOVE!!!!!!! and he was always good at channeling so it ties in beautifully#also this is sooooo trivial but even though i was actually kind of heartbroken he broke things off with cory—#i hope he can try something with lott 👀 like. please....he had a crush on this emo kid for the longest time back at the academy. so cute#but i mean they're two very different people now so i'd understand if that doesn't happen but now that anden is back in janloon i really#hope he and lott can like. spend more time together and get to catch up#ANYWAY!!!!!! i need to talk about BERO bc for some reason i ended up getting sooo attached to him#like yeah he's an awful street rat who's done awful things but he's just trying to make something out of his life#also Love how he's bestowed with such turbulent luck as it's stated over and over again like literally Anything could happen to bero#but i was kinda sad when mudt jr was murdered (that scene gave me chills btw it was so horrific...green bones don't mess around)#bc he and bero Were kinda sorta friends and i loved their constant bickering and how they did come to appreciate each other's company :(#also obsessed with how the books start and end with bero like oh shit i wonder what godawful scheme he's trying to pull off now#boy....just let it rest!!!! you have a proper job at a restaurant now you could make a normal life for yourself!!!!#now he wants to ruin the clans by joining the rebellion.....of courseeeee#anyway bero is a delight and i love seeing where fate takes him he really is a plaything of the gods#god i still can't believe kehn is dead :(((( are you fucking kidding me. AND MARO. that was fucked up.#also hellooooo i need ayt madashi pov chapters right nowwwww she's such an enigma she's so scary i need to know what goes on in her head#also. girl. the cycle of violence is going to keep happening over and over as long as rhe clans still stand :/#the mountain and no peak are just going to keep trying to get the upper hand on each other no matter how much they talk about peace#maybe i agree with and support bero after all hfkshfhdh maybe a rebellion is what's needed after all#bc they're just going to keep going at each other's throats#i need jade legacy right nowwww hopefully i get it from the library in the next few days
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