#book but it was during my first burnout on reading in secondary school)

[r0bee]

So it was YOU! YOU'RE the one who made me think wanting to kiss my best friend in primary school was a normal friendship thing DAISY WELLS!! CURSE YOU AND THE GOOD CHARACTERISATION/FORESHADOWING IN THE IN-CHARACTER GLOSSARY!!!!!!

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

your tags on my post slapped me across the face. yes fucking yes. the fall from academic grace hits a whole lot harder when you've been excessively built up and built up for years and then come crashing down. i constantly feel like im letting everyone and younger self down. the whole thing about IDENTITY is so true too! x adhd-vibes

Well, your post came into my house and punched me in the gut, so...

But no, I really genuinely appreciate posts talking about the gifted child + neurodivergence duality because it’s... a lot. And I feel like I’m only just starting to understand-- well, my entire life, basically. 

My entire life past the age of ~13 has been a constant up and down of thriving and burnout, a lot of self loathing and doubt over my perceived failure, and a lot of depression and anxiety. And I just found out last year that a fair portion of it can likely be chalked up to the fact that I’ve had ADHD my entire life, my parents found out when I was four years old, and no one told me. 

I started kindergarten at four. I was already reading chapter books. I’d finish reading the assignments before the teacher even finished handing them out, and be up and causing distractions because I was bored. They talked about bumping me to second grade, but I was already the youngest in my class and they didn’t want to create more of an age gap. 

I did first grade half in English, half in Japanese to keep me “challenged”. The Japanese teacher hated that I was so young, and after a while refused to teach me. 

My second grade teacher made a rule that I could sit any way I liked, or move around however I wanted, so long as I could touch my desk. 

My third grade teacher set up a play area for students who finished their work early, and I spent most of my time there. 

My fourth grade teacher recommended fantasy novels and read to us during downtime. 

My fifth grade teacher helped me and my friends start a writing club, and she’d read our short stories and give us notes so we could work on our drafts when we were done with our schoolwork. 

And then sixth grade and algebra happened and I could not for the life of me do the assignments well. I worked with friends in a study group. I had three different math teachers try to help me, in case one clicked differently. They’d watch me do the work, step by step, and one of two things would happen: 

1. Either I’d do the work perfectly, but the answer was entirely wrong and they couldn’t figure out why 

or

2. I’d do the work all wrong, but get the right answer every time. 

But since you had to show your work for full credit, I went from a straight A student to mostly A’s and a C in math, no matter what I did. 

My self esteem tanked. Most of my memories from middle school are of sitting alone at the dining room table sobbing because I felt stupid, and like a failure, and I just wanted to die, and sitting at a table focusing on only one thing with no background noise or stimulation was torture in and of itself. I finally got my mom to let me listen to the radio while I worked, and it helped a little, but night after night I’d sit there, sob through my math homework, and wish to disappear. 

All of the self-loathing and stress manifested into extreme anxiety. I started washing my hands constantly, because that I could control. My hands cracked and bled. I kept washing. 

I started self harming, and my mom found out and took me to see a therapist (who is still my therapist to this day), and I was diagnosed with OCD and Major Depressive Disorder, as well as Seasonal Affective Disorder.

By the time high school started, the handwashing had mostly stopped but still flared up again occasionally, and I was on track to graduate with highest honors following the “College Prep Honors” curriculum track. I made the National Honor Society, and did student government as well as zero hour choir and drama. I took Honors English and excelled. 

But to complete the degree, I’d have to take Algebra I freshman year, Algebra II Honors sophomore year, Algebra III/Trig junior year, and Calculus senior year. 

I got a C in Algebra I. I lost my National Honor Society status because of the GPA drop. I quit student government because I was ashamed. 

I was told to drop Algebra II Honors two weeks in, because I was going to fail the class. This meant I would not get the diploma I wanted, but the secondary “College Prep” diploma. 

I fell into a deep depression, decided I was stupid, and stopped trying. My report cards after that for the rest of high school were an assortment of A’s, B’s, C’s, even a D or two. I hated myself for not living up to my potential, for being a disappointment to my parents, for being so stupid. 

I went back to therapy. I graduated high school. I went to college. I burnt out. 

I took a gap year because I was suicidal and didn’t know what to do. I went back to therapy. 

I transferred to a university. I burnt out. I dropped out, because I was suicidal and didn’t know what to do. I went back to therapy. 

And when I was 27 years old, I found a box of old school stuff from elementary school, and as my mom and I laughed about it she told me that an administrator who specialized in identifying attention deficit disorders had observed me in kindergarten at the request of my teacher because I was causing distractions, told them that he was entirely certain I had what was at the time called ADD... and not to have me officially diagnosed in order to keep it out of my school record and avoid any “challenges to my desired educational path”.  

Teachers were told, and chosen specifically to work with me and not against me, which I appreciate greatly. 

I was never told. 

On the one hand, I can see how my parents just didn’t want me to go through life believing I had something “wrong” with me, didn’t want me to be held back from pursuing any classes I wanted to take because of my “diagnosis”, and didn’t want me to be “unnecessarily medicated”. I appreciate the time and care that went into trying to guide me along and give me safe environments to be my authentic self without being told it was a hindrance or a “problem”. 

But the more I learn the more I can’t help but wish someone had told me. 

Because I spent the last 16 years of my life thinking that somewhere along the way I had “lost” something, or “failed”, and really it was a pretty predictable and manageable sequence of events. 

I’ve since learned that a lot of the things I’ve always done that I’ve felt uncomfortable or “odd” about... are stims. Minor ones, but stims, nonetheless. 

I’ve since learned that I was bullied pretty severely for being “weird” in elementary school, but I have no memory of it. 

I’ve since learned that dyscalculia is thing, and very well could have contributed to my ongoing struggle with math. 

And for the rest of my life I will wonder if knowing would have changed anything. If my depression is a side effect of this thing I didn’t know about myself, or a separate piece of me. Who I might have been if my entire identity wasn’t tied to my perceived sudden loss of intelligence and potential. 

Anyway. I’ve rambled quite enough. If anyone wants to talk about any of this, or vent, or ask questions, feel free. This is the post we are referring to, by the by. 

[smolbeanfeels]

updates on the smol bean -- and sharing some new favs!

since my finals ended i haven’t had the motivation or energy to do anything -- i attribute it to my exhaustion from the burnout semester but in truth, i feel that i no longer have passion for anything around me anymore. it’s crazy, the shell i’ve become -- i wake up, read up on the italy trip -- sleep. wake up, read up on internship opportunities -- sleep. wake up, read wuthering heights (A BOOK I’VE READ TEN THOUSAND TIMES) -- sleep. it’s an awful cycle spiralling downwards into neglect.

anw -- i decided i should turn things around! i have so many things to do and so many things to look forward to! for one, i’m reaaaaally looking forward to going to italy. i feel like when it comes to the end of the year, i’m always really excited to just leave this place, to go anywhere. 

it’s not the first time i’m writing about how stifled i feel at home, in this country, and it’s definitely not news that i’m not the happiest about the degrees i’m studying for and working towards. i can find myself being more on board with social sciences especially when my psychology major modules start, but business management leaves me dread. it’s definitely not my first choice, but i have sorted out my feelings and decided that if i’m going to have to do this for another two and a half more years, i might as well make the best of it. find the best part of it and pursue it, and that’s why i’m really excited to major in marketing from my third year onwards. there’s so much creativity and exciting ideas to look forward to in brand management! i’m actually considering dropping one of the classes i bidded for next semester to try out my second marketing class, but at the same time, i also am aware that the important, fundamental modules should always come first. first priorities, second interests. 

i guess the thing that disturbs me the most is the idea that i’m currently pursuing someone else’s dream. i’ve already come to terms that i will have to achieve financial independence before i can start doing what i really want to do, since my parents are really wildly unsupportive of what i want to do (idek where to start with that, honestly), but potentially the worst feeling is sitting around taking up space, space that could be filled by someone who seriously, truly, wants to be here. if i really get deep into it, it’s a sucky feeling. 

recently i realized that i’ve been so caught up with club activities that i can no longer recognise myself. 2-1 has probably been the worst out of the three semesters i’ve had, and i heard from waneu that it’s actually the worst. i do hope it gets better. i think the scariest part of the semester was 1) not doing well during my midterms and 2) feeling horribly out of place during club activities. while i was engaging in these activities, the idea that i was fulfilling someone else’s core objectives and not mine relentlessly haunted me. so on the bright side, i’m grateful for the opportunity to be given a breather and really think, for myself, what it is that i want and what i want to get out of university.

for the next semester, i’m hoping to just focus on acads, work, dance, and most of all, God. i think that will really help in ensuring that i take baby steps in this, because we have proven, time and again, that rachel panics when she is bombarded. 

dance has been really fun -- apart from the backaches and the muscle cramps? but it also made me realize how much more training i need to be back in the game, because of how much time i took off dancing in the semester during finals. I NEED TO GET MY HEELS SOON!!!!! last saturday, i was the only one dancing without my heels, and the spanish instructor’s eyes were constantly on me. and it wasn’t because of my dancing, that’s for sure. 

inyc is the hardest thing to edit in the world!!! i’m slowly losing faith in this novel even though i’m thrilled and excited for my friend; i just don’t really know how good sales are gonna be after the edits, and i just don’t feel like i’m good enough to do all the editing myself. might have to suggest to anj to get a secondary editor because i don’t feel like professional material. 

in other areas of writing, tlp is slowly sucking the life out of me. i feel like because i’ve left it alone for quite a while, i’ve sort of lost my passion and rigour towards fictional literature. it’s rather frustrating, especially because i started out so excited to share this story and finish this piece of writing, and now i’m just backsliding and my editor wouldn’t stop asking for new chapters. poems are the same case. i seem to have so many ideas but find it so difficult to articulate and express them properly. and the thing is, i’ve been “taking a break” off of writing for a couple of months. maybe agalia’s right -- maybe i really only write well in heartbreak. 

anw -- this is me rn, lots to think about and do!!! i wanted to talk about my favs photographed up there. i’ve been discussing with my Dad about getting a dslr for the family but unfortch, the discussion’s not going too well. i do hope we can get at least a digital camera soon though, because it’ll really help to better photograph our travels. 

i’m also really thinking about getting into things that are more related to what i intend to do in grad school, but it’s difficult finding such avenues in school. maybe i might have to look outside of school? 

so -- first fav: the white tumbler from the starbucks christmas collection 2018. i really like it a lot!!! the best thing is that the cap is tight so water/whatever beverage doesn’t seep easily, and there’s no need to unscrew the cap to drink, just twist the cap and there’s an opening to drink from. i’m really glad sis got it for me because i really need a beverage tumbler since i refuse to use my water bottle for anything other than water, especially for coffee because coffee eventually stains. 

second fav: my knitted sweater and michael kors bag -- not really anything new, just my default wearables since the weather’s getting colder and more rain-y recently. 

third fav: the 3ce mood palette!!! i really love 3ce recently because it’s so pigmented and soft - and i’ve been using the elf contour brush to do my eye makeup recently. i’ve been keeping my eye makeup (when i do put it on) very simple recently, especially when i’m rushing, and this palette is such a go-to palette i sound like one of those youtubers but it’s true!!! the elf eyelid primer is also one-of-a-kind and such a dupe for more high-end primers, since i’m perpetually broke... and the small l’oreal brush and little mirror are just things from my mama i wanted to be in the pic! 

last but not least fav: i’ve also started on the subtle art of not giving a fuck by mark manson -- and so far it’s been really good. i won’t comment on the writing since i didn’t expect much, after all this book is written by a motivational blogger and not some Shakespearean poet, but i am really enjoying how honest and forthcoming his ideas and values are. i’m also being reminded more about prioritization and how a lot of the limits and expectations we consider are really self-imposed. excited to continue reading!!! hopefully i can gain more insights on better habits and positivity. 

that’s kind of it -- sorry my updates are always so long, but i do hope you’ve enjoyed reading this! hehe.