#book but it was during my first burnout on reading in secondary school)

[r0bee]

So it was YOU! YOU'RE the one who made me think wanting to kiss my best friend in primary school was a normal friendship thing DAISY WELLS!! CURSE YOU AND THE GOOD CHARACTERISATION/FORESHADOWING IN THE IN-CHARACTER GLOSSARY!!!!!!

[dreamsinfiction]

2024 in a nutshell

If I was honest with myself, I would say I've been putting off doing this recap because wow last year was tough. Work has always been tough and that's fine, I can handle work stress (even at the expense of having a burnout oops) but family stress is a whole 'nother league of its own 🥲

But a recap's a recap and I know I will want to read back years later on how life went during this period. So let's go; as per usual it's the negatives first hurhur:

The Bad:

Grief - Talk about the elephant in the room. But yes, my 2024 was marked by grief with Cik Ayid's passing. His condition deteriorated so quickly within 2 weeks and it's still a shock to me when my mind inevitably thinks back to October, realising that health can be taken away so easily. Cancer is such a scary thing.

I think his passing impacted me more than I thought it would because I've been blessed to not have many people I know who passed on early while I was growing up (the last one that was close to me was probably my late grandad but I was very young then in primary school and didn't really process it well). I also had to be strong for my mom and my aunts because obviously they were distraught when he passed so I was the one who compartmentalised my feelings and was liasing with the doc and nurses for the death cert, calling the funeral company, settling the logistics, calling relatives to come help in the morning to move him to the cemetery mosque before the burial etc. It was slightly traumatic to say the least, but I think silver lining is that now I know what to do if the next death happens (trying not to think of this too much).

Another silver lining is the friends that I have who supported me through my grief. Special mention to F who sadly also had her year tainted with multiple deaths and who knew exactly how to console me and offer small words of comfort. And of course, I'm so thankful for my faith and knowing who/what to turn to when times were so, so difficult ❤️‍🩹

The Uncomfy (but in the long run will be good for me):

2024 was really the year I went all out to do things that I'm not confident in. I'll try to categorise and list them but I'm sure I'm missing some haha:

Work:

Thrown a lot of random things at work - mostly to set up structures and comms pillars in place (idk how the division functioned without one all these while). Things are better now because there are procedures to follow so I feel more self-assured haha.

Presented a whole bunch of stuff from senior management to divisional meetings. Happy to say that I get less anxious now when speaking up in these settings! Maybe because I'm amongst familiar faces, at least within the division.

Signed up to be the secy for div meetings and managing VFest. If you ask the fresh-grad-and-starting-service me if I would volunteer for all these things, it would have been the farthest thing from my mind hahaha.

Psudo-promotion by having someone reporting to me - This...has not been going well hahaha. I've been assigned with a tough-to-work-with officer and not because of her disability. More on this in Jan recap bc that was when I blew my top (internally) and taking a different approach with how I treat her (externally).

Social:

Joined a badminton club - an effort to be more healthy but I actually made a few friends!

Joined a gym and got a PT - biggest health takeaway of the yearrrr. Again, secondary school me would be shaking to hear I'm paying good money to go to a gym regularly and have someone train me hahaha. But I'm actually enjoying this quite a bit! Progress updates in Jan/Feb recap.

Joined many bookish events - from book clubs to author sharings, I loved them all. Also made many new friends through bookstagram! I want to work on this a bit more in 2025, will share more in another update.

Life:

Had my first CC! - truly adulting moment. I was brought up in an environment where money was very tight and with a frugal mindset (ie. don't spend money you don't have) so I've been resisting getting one for the longest time. But after researching about it more, sadly we live in a world of credit scores and probably needing a loan when I eventually buy a house so a CC is needed. Discipline is definitely needed to control my spendings though - it's a monthly battle to keep them in check 😂

Coloured my hair for the first time! - Always wanted to try it, very happy I got round to it. Idk if I will fulfil my childhood dream of getting red hair, but the brown I have now resonates with me heh.

Travels - Blessed to go on 4 trips this year (cruise to Thailand, BKK with U, Korea with J, S & R, and my Korean immersion trip). All were very memorable in their own ways haha. But it's time to save up a bit since I overspent quite a bit on this in 2024.

Concerts/shows - I think I went for a concert almost every other month hahaha (Jan - Coldplay, Apr - IU, May - Hamilton, June - BWS, July - Hady Mirza, Aug - BKK Summer Sonic Fest, Sept - Geng Rebut Cabinet, F1). 2024 was when things were truly post-COVID hence my excitement to go for every show. No regrets because the memories made were worth it but will definitely need to keep this in check for 2025.

Went on a dating app, put my efforts into it, went on a few dates (some of which were horrible) but realising it's not for me. And that's okay. I think as an INF/TJ, I need to be friends with someone first before even entertaining the thought of something more with them. And dating platforms are....not it. I don't like the superficiality of it, how some people on there are pretty rude with honestly shocking mindsets and the ghosting culture. I think I prefer going to physical events where you get to talk to someone and find out a bit more about them in-person than chatting behind a screen. So to more bookish events it is since that's my natural interest haha.

Segue nicely into...asking a guy out for the first time! Honestly who am I hahaha. And I felt less nervous doing it too because I knew what I wanted and there's no loss even if I eventually got rejected because then I'll have a clean break and won't be thinking of the what ifs months, years down the road. I love having a fully developed frontal lobe HAHA.

Volunteered at the Food Bank - I loved this! Even though it was just to pack stuff to send to homes/organisations, it was still fun and pretty hard work. Going to look for more opportunities in the future :)

And...that's my 2024. Marked by sadness, burn outs but I think I'm much more stronger (physically and mentally) because of them. I'm more certain of myself and the people I want to be around with too. Thank the Lord for my many, many blessings still ❤️

[smolbeanfeels]

updates on the smol bean -- and sharing some new favs!

since my finals ended i haven’t had the motivation or energy to do anything -- i attribute it to my exhaustion from the burnout semester but in truth, i feel that i no longer have passion for anything around me anymore. it’s crazy, the shell i’ve become -- i wake up, read up on the italy trip -- sleep. wake up, read up on internship opportunities -- sleep. wake up, read wuthering heights (A BOOK I’VE READ TEN THOUSAND TIMES) -- sleep. it’s an awful cycle spiralling downwards into neglect.

anw -- i decided i should turn things around! i have so many things to do and so many things to look forward to! for one, i’m reaaaaally looking forward to going to italy. i feel like when it comes to the end of the year, i’m always really excited to just leave this place, to go anywhere. 

it’s not the first time i’m writing about how stifled i feel at home, in this country, and it’s definitely not news that i’m not the happiest about the degrees i’m studying for and working towards. i can find myself being more on board with social sciences especially when my psychology major modules start, but business management leaves me dread. it’s definitely not my first choice, but i have sorted out my feelings and decided that if i’m going to have to do this for another two and a half more years, i might as well make the best of it. find the best part of it and pursue it, and that’s why i’m really excited to major in marketing from my third year onwards. there’s so much creativity and exciting ideas to look forward to in brand management! i’m actually considering dropping one of the classes i bidded for next semester to try out my second marketing class, but at the same time, i also am aware that the important, fundamental modules should always come first. first priorities, second interests. 

i guess the thing that disturbs me the most is the idea that i’m currently pursuing someone else’s dream. i’ve already come to terms that i will have to achieve financial independence before i can start doing what i really want to do, since my parents are really wildly unsupportive of what i want to do (idek where to start with that, honestly), but potentially the worst feeling is sitting around taking up space, space that could be filled by someone who seriously, truly, wants to be here. if i really get deep into it, it’s a sucky feeling. 

recently i realized that i’ve been so caught up with club activities that i can no longer recognise myself. 2-1 has probably been the worst out of the three semesters i’ve had, and i heard from waneu that it’s actually the worst. i do hope it gets better. i think the scariest part of the semester was 1) not doing well during my midterms and 2) feeling horribly out of place during club activities. while i was engaging in these activities, the idea that i was fulfilling someone else’s core objectives and not mine relentlessly haunted me. so on the bright side, i’m grateful for the opportunity to be given a breather and really think, for myself, what it is that i want and what i want to get out of university.

for the next semester, i’m hoping to just focus on acads, work, dance, and most of all, God. i think that will really help in ensuring that i take baby steps in this, because we have proven, time and again, that rachel panics when she is bombarded. 

dance has been really fun -- apart from the backaches and the muscle cramps? but it also made me realize how much more training i need to be back in the game, because of how much time i took off dancing in the semester during finals. I NEED TO GET MY HEELS SOON!!!!! last saturday, i was the only one dancing without my heels, and the spanish instructor’s eyes were constantly on me. and it wasn’t because of my dancing, that’s for sure. 

inyc is the hardest thing to edit in the world!!! i’m slowly losing faith in this novel even though i’m thrilled and excited for my friend; i just don’t really know how good sales are gonna be after the edits, and i just don’t feel like i’m good enough to do all the editing myself. might have to suggest to anj to get a secondary editor because i don’t feel like professional material. 

in other areas of writing, tlp is slowly sucking the life out of me. i feel like because i’ve left it alone for quite a while, i’ve sort of lost my passion and rigour towards fictional literature. it’s rather frustrating, especially because i started out so excited to share this story and finish this piece of writing, and now i’m just backsliding and my editor wouldn’t stop asking for new chapters. poems are the same case. i seem to have so many ideas but find it so difficult to articulate and express them properly. and the thing is, i’ve been “taking a break” off of writing for a couple of months. maybe agalia’s right -- maybe i really only write well in heartbreak. 

anw -- this is me rn, lots to think about and do!!! i wanted to talk about my favs photographed up there. i’ve been discussing with my Dad about getting a dslr for the family but unfortch, the discussion’s not going too well. i do hope we can get at least a digital camera soon though, because it’ll really help to better photograph our travels. 

i’m also really thinking about getting into things that are more related to what i intend to do in grad school, but it’s difficult finding such avenues in school. maybe i might have to look outside of school? 

so -- first fav: the white tumbler from the starbucks christmas collection 2018. i really like it a lot!!! the best thing is that the cap is tight so water/whatever beverage doesn’t seep easily, and there’s no need to unscrew the cap to drink, just twist the cap and there’s an opening to drink from. i’m really glad sis got it for me because i really need a beverage tumbler since i refuse to use my water bottle for anything other than water, especially for coffee because coffee eventually stains. 

second fav: my knitted sweater and michael kors bag -- not really anything new, just my default wearables since the weather’s getting colder and more rain-y recently. 

third fav: the 3ce mood palette!!! i really love 3ce recently because it’s so pigmented and soft - and i’ve been using the elf contour brush to do my eye makeup recently. i’ve been keeping my eye makeup (when i do put it on) very simple recently, especially when i’m rushing, and this palette is such a go-to palette i sound like one of those youtubers but it’s true!!! the elf eyelid primer is also one-of-a-kind and such a dupe for more high-end primers, since i’m perpetually broke... and the small l’oreal brush and little mirror are just things from my mama i wanted to be in the pic! 

last but not least fav: i’ve also started on the subtle art of not giving a fuck by mark manson -- and so far it’s been really good. i won’t comment on the writing since i didn’t expect much, after all this book is written by a motivational blogger and not some Shakespearean poet, but i am really enjoying how honest and forthcoming his ideas and values are. i’m also being reminded more about prioritization and how a lot of the limits and expectations we consider are really self-imposed. excited to continue reading!!! hopefully i can gain more insights on better habits and positivity. 

that’s kind of it -- sorry my updates are always so long, but i do hope you’ve enjoyed reading this! hehe.