#and now my brain is blank again
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i wanna write feathery open-mouthed kisses on the throat.
#━━ ⅻ ⊰ out of character. / ♡ ❜#the “i can feel the flutter of your pulse against my lips” type of smooches#i just think she should love on someone's neck#i had a thot#and now my brain is blank again
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D:BH Rarepairsweek 7 | @dbhrarepairs
Day 3: Hank/Markus After the revolution, Markus and Hank are both trying to deal with the new situation they've been handed. Their paths cross.
#dbhrarepairsweek#hank anderson#dbh markus#hank x markus#hankus#??? idk but ive seen someone else at least use this tag so i might as well#detroit: become human#d:bh#dbhrarepairs#aight. this might be the rarest pairing im doing this week. maybe.#IM BRINGING MY HANK/MARKUS AGENDA TO THIS EVENT#IVE BEEN KEEPING IT LOWKEY (the fics are wip) SO FAR BUT. NOW IT IS TIME.#look ive been examining these two in my brains for a while now. it makes sense to me.#you will understand my vision.#i was debating writer a longer caption but once again: i'd let you fill in the blanks for this one#i might make more specific content for them in the future#like i had even more interesting scenes to use but im doing this gifset for now hehe#MY VIEW ON THIS was like. Connor getting more involved in android stuff because he wants to support Markus#Hank relapses a bit with his mental health issues but manages it better than he has ever done before#Markus who is burnt out and trying to find rest and dealing with his own demons#manages to notice Hank's struggles. Helps him out lowkey. Is interested in him.#then TO BE CONTINUED#I THINK THE IDEA OF THEM TALKING IS SO FASCINATING ALRIGHT#also. obv. if you see this as platonic only then that is up to you i cannot take it from you and feel free to reblog i absolutely wont mind#but to clarify: markus would be down bad for hank. that's MY canon. I know it in my heart.
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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Sat down to write (it's 1:40am, I should be asleep) for the first time in almost a year because I very suddenly got the motivation, I sat down in front of a blank document and just thought, "Huh. How do you write?" (I used to think I was going to do this as a career)
#no truly i sat down and thought 'how does a story start? how do you write?'#i havent written since last november and even then it wasnt much#i was talking to my gf about ghosts (long story but i love her she gave me ghosts) and then all of a sudden i needed to write#the writing is about dead kids so i see where my brain made the connection but idk why it decided now was the time to start on it again#i am so tired i feel delirious and typing coherently is near impossible#i should sleep. the writing doesnt feel particularly amazing right now but i know in the morning it will seem so much worse#but you cant edit a blank page (i got that quote from a tumblr post like two days ago and it hasnt left my brain)#this story has lived rent free inside my brain for like six years im going to fucking get it out if its the last thing i do#i just need to figure it out. and write it well. figuring it out is the big hurdle. writing it is the next. but ill get there
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sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive
#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy#been feeling weird as hell these past few months#like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days#or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day#idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this#just thinking#meposting#I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying#I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult#I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad.#whatever#I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that#dissociation#me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though#she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety#and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’#I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time#I’m so solid now#so stuck in the ruts of capitalism#fuck capitalism#I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled#sorry I love talking#and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn?#it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing#I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence.#like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5.#overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names.#can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school#bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude#I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time
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My therapist told me that I need to make small bits and pieces my goals instead of trying to do everything all at once. And like she's right, I know I should do that but you have to understand, when I write it's 2k-3k words in one sitting or nothing at all.
So I said, okay. I'm gonna write 100 words. That's it, that's the whole goal.
And I wrote about 550 until I realized what I was writing didn't fit with the spot in the story where I had it and then I derailed myself trying to figure out if I could move it or if I'd have to rewrite it. I still don't know which it is.
But that's a problem for future me. 'Cause present me wrote more than 100 words, so goal accomplished!
Except that I still feel like I did nothing.
#trying not to be frustrated with myself#because secretly I was hoping I'd trick myself into writing 2k as usual#if I just started the momentum with the 100 goal#but as soon as I couldn't figure out what to do with the scene my brain blanked#and now it feels like static again#don't mind me I'm just nonsense posting on main#personal#misc rambles
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Obsessing over details again 😔🙏
#the cycle…#me when I want the thing in drawing to look EXACTLY the same as it does in the Actual Picture anatomy wise and i cannot do it because#I planned somewhat poorly#and my brain is blanking out again#and now I’m mildly sad 😔#I know he will not care. but in my head he cares so bad wah!
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#my peculiar wife#i'm not rewatching speaking of sex atm i just found this in the vaults (my screenshot folder)#then again i might rewatch it today because i feel like shit and seeing him in such a..... state..... might improve matters#at least yesterday wasn't a total bust#and by that i mean i actually had a decent day yesterday which i haven't been able to say in ages#i left my cave and went to an estate sale where an incredibly attractive middle aged gentleman with silver hair let me have#these two big wooden roll top boxes full of cassettes (many of which are sealed blanks!) for five bucks.....#i haven't gone through them thoroughly yet but it looks like there's a lot of early appalachian gospel#can't go wrong there.........#the man kept calling me sir#sometimes it baffles me that i “”“pass”“” these days because my hair is so damn long and i keep my face clean shaven#so that's nice#with how depressed i've been sometimes i hate to acknowledge when i have a decent day or even a decent moment#because i almost superstitiously feel it will act as a magnet for my depression to swoop in and feed on it#and out of that fear my depression has developed this sort of..... personified stubbornness#where i both consciously and unconsciously avoid what might allow for an opening for “decent moments”.. pleasure.. joy.. whatever might#might grant me relief from pain even just for a moment etc#i don't know what i'm trying to describe here all i know is i feel trying to announce or acknowledge any sort of happiness i experience#feels like i'm directly endangering it#my brain is too scattered right now to try to articulate anything and i don't know why i'm doing so in the tags of a photo of#my peculiar wife james spader#just trying to exist again and not let myself be a hermit to the extent of harold smith which is very much the path i've been on for a long#long time#and i'm chipping away at that nonexistence in strange ways but chipping away nonetheless.......
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regardless if it’s a timeskip or not i do think the new outfits signify a new chapter in their lives??? like in the case of bat:
kuukou’s still punk still monk lol but more importantly, he still has his sachihoko symbols on his haori thing. kuukou’s always changed the symbols on his coat whenever he gets a new one so it’s an important point!!! sachihoko are guardians to protect from storms so kuukou still has his protector/protection imagery
jyushi’s overcoat is still the same style but it is longer and darker and his outfit as a whole is grandiose lol like even more vkei, so i’d say this is jyushi’s final form a jyushi more true to himself and braver than ever before and ready to perform on his biggest stage yet
hitoya’s i’m not too sure actually lol but it reminds me a lot of his fit back when he helped out kuukou and jyushi. if that’s the angle then it might have him playing support for whatever he’ll be getting into as jakurai’s partner. also lends to his own knight imagery since that’s the period of time we see him as a defender
#this is vee speaking#i didn’t have the bandwidth to actively think about rosho’s glasses#but it struck me as closure for rosho and i read a thread yesterday that filled in the blanks for me lol#rosasa back at again with their self contained story lol#rio i’m kinda excited for lol he took off the uniform!!!!!!! is his war about to be over??????#gentaro took off two elements of his outfit i think?????? like that black coat is gone and so is his turtleneck!!!!!#he’s opening up y’all 🥹🥹🥹#what’s cracking me up about jiro’s fit is that he’s wearing that plaid button shirt UNBUTTONED#AND UNDERNEATH his usual black shirt like bruh lmao#ichiro!!!!!!! is back in black and red!!!!!!!! he’s back in his tdd era colours where he actively wanted power!!!!!!#similarly samatoki is back in leather!!!!!!! (MY LONGEST YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII EVER)#he wore aloha shirts after the tdd timeskip and i’ve always been of the opinion he’s wearing comfort clothes since he’s been that depressed#so maybe now that nemu’s okay and thriving!!!!!! he can be a leather baby/daddy again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#juto and red has always been a Thing the brain just hasn’t ever made the connection with why red’s important to juto and i’m sad ☹️☹️☹️#he looks good but i still don’t know what red means to him ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️#ramuda in posse yellow ;w; his beret is rly cute too he wore a hat during the tdd era and i feel like that’s the trend with tdd#they’ve rediscovered their purpose from back then 🤔🤔🤔#and so with sensei uhhhhhh well it’s certainly the brightest version of his clothes yet 😭😭😭#he’s peak happy by this point maybe and i do wish that for him lol#anyone else i didn’t mention i’m still thinking on lol
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something something chiyo putting on a brave face and holding everything in and then finally crying out of relief something something
#oh man i'm so sleepy#but imagine your muse is in big danger or there's a possibility they might be dead#and bc chiyo is the way she is she doesn't show how deeply worried and upset she is#until your muse is there in front of her again and she's clinging to them and choking down sobs bc the relief is too much#knowing they're alive and breathing is just too much for her to keep it together for another second#i'm just in the mood for big feelings i think :' )#i'm probably gonna go to bed soon now that i queued what i wrote though#i've reached that point where my brain blanks and i can't articulate myself very well anymore#so if this ends up being my last post of the night i wish y'all a very lovely evening and an even better friday <3#get ready to ramble | ooc
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omg. soon we will FINALLY be free of the crying abt artifact load outs 😍😍😍😍 anyway im thinking abt that beautiful musketeer character from the leaked concept art and how we will never have them in the game and instead we get chevr*use
#obligatory sorry for being a hater again but omg her design is just so ugly. why did her music have to be so good in the trailer 😭#and im not saying she replaced the musketeer im just saying its unfair LMAO#omg all the events for 4.3 look amazing im so excited. esp looking forward to getting to be a sniper#like recently a certain other game has completely taken over my brain so i havent been as invested in this version of gi#(except for the archon quest and furinas release ofc) but im still rlly looking forward to it a lot#im pretty sure im skipping banners for 2 patches tho which is NOT exciting but what can you do hdkfjdjd#i forgot who should be in 4.5 maybe im skipping that too....... now i need to go check ive completely blanked lmao bye
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...
#thats me in the corner. thats me in thr spotlight. rocking from side to side and not contributing to the conversation#which is to say. i made it to thr lab get together with an old lab mate. i really truely did not think i would#i was like 20min late bc of the crying and hyperventilating over a 6min drive down the road#i sorta freaked out while driving too. and almost turned around. its just that i kno i havent been sleeping enough and got overwhelmed#but i made it there. and i dont think i looked like id been crying but i probably looked a bit blank faced and miserable#as i rocked from side to side for like 2hrs listening to ppl talk. i enjoyed it exactly as much as i expected. it was good to see the guy#again but i just dont connect in group gatherings idk. im glad its done. also fucking we were sitting there and a group comes in and whos#in that group?? someone i have avoided seeing for like a loooong time. the guy who tried to be in a relationship with me back when i 1st#started as a grad student. i say relationship. i was explaining to him why i couldnt do any sort of romantic e tanglement and he was very#firm abt not wanting a relationship. and im like bro im explaining u why no romanticly adjacent thing is gonna work. u literally asked me#to physically hold ur hand thru this. u r somehow more emotionally invested in this than me and also are telling me that u just wanna fuck#me. so like u r not slick. whatever. it was so fucking stressful at the time. which i feel bad abt bc it wasn't really his fault#i was just less self aware so i didnt kno i have bad awareness in the moment. like i dont kno a lines been crossed until a week later when#im laying on thr floor falling apart. so like i wish him the best. didnt kno he was still around. hopefully this doesnt trigger stress#dreams. all this to say i was very fucking tense. and when i got back in my car i was like shaky and panting lol#idk looking back its just such a weird situation with that dude. if i was anyone else it woudlnt have been a big deal but#my brain just doesn't process physical touch right. so now ive got these horrible touch memories that like on paper r literally nothing#but for me they were so unfathomablly awful when i 1st aquired them. i literally could not deal with any romantic stuff for like a month#bc it would like trigger me. now thst its been like 3 years its not bad tho. just like gives me thr ick but i dont get#stuck in the memories too much. its so dumb. whatever. point is im all sore now from sitting all tense haha#unrelated
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guzma is such a chaotic man i love him
#i miss team skull so much#im catching up on the sun/moon anime. up to ash vs gladion in the league now#godddd it's nice to see him again#wasn't into this series as much as black/white and x/y. but i still enjoyed it#i think the filler eps were kinda weak. but then again i watched most of this series while doing other things#like drawing or playin games. or not focusing#and ive taken huge breaks in between episodes so its been hard to really get into it#havent had a pokemon obsession since like. shortly after sun/moon came out#i think it might be coming back. i miss obsessing over shite#and constantly thinking abt my interests#my job just leaves me with my brain feeling blegh and blank.#and it’s been hard trying to enjoy things like I used to bc I am married to my job#aaaaand that’s not a good thing lol#I need to learn to not take it so seriously#so this is nice
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today was like. kmsing on. kmsing cancelled. kmsing back on. kmsing cancelled. kmsing back on!!!
#este.txt#TOO MANY EMOTIONS#had an english assessment and if I had gone down or not gone up istg the world wouldve ended#everything was gonna be so over#but I went up sooooo#then I got accused of disrespecting a teacher in front of two other teachers#but I didnt and now I think one the teachers who I love hates me#and then I had a conference and toured a college#and my brain forgot what I want to do in college#like I completely went blank#then I remembered and my brain caled me dumb for not knowing EXACTLY what I want to do#like I'm stuck between 3 things#psychiatry graphic design and teaching#idk man#then I presented my projects and i was soooo fucking nervous#horrible experience#now i am home.#and i am upset again#tw sui joke
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Alright, neuro stuff is DONE and I feel so much better. Hoping I did okay, there was some things I completely forgot how to spell 🫠 I’m hoping I get some half marks for those at least.
#⊹ ⋆ﾟ꒰ఎ pooh’s rambling again ໒꒱ ⋆ﾟ⊹#the thing with me and in person exams is that I get so nervous#and I end up blanking without even meaning to#ugh curse my brain#but I think I passed it#now I gotta get ready for the pathology exam on Friday#yayyy *cry*
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i kind of just don’t want to do anything i feel like ive done too much i need a break i really want to talk to someone i have therapy tuesday thank god i just want a break im scared to sleep to take a break bc i keep having nightmares i just want to be free it feels like nothing can keep me feeling okay
#sorry 😿#things have been hard#two separate full breakdowns this week where i couldn’t function#idk why im venting on fucking tumblr i feel broken i just want something#i only have one person i can talk to about all of this i don’t want to overwhelm them#i kind of forgot my dream from last night until now but thinking about it again god i don’t want anything like that I’m scared to sleep#i had my first random intense panic attack in a while today#it feels completely different than my regular panic attacks they come out of nowhere i get this physical rush and my brain goes blank and i#start hyperventilating#normally they have a distinct cause this is out of nowhere i was having a good time texting my friends and it happened#it’s happened walking to get picked up from school and in bed with my partners it’s completely random#it physically effects me in a weird way my body feels tense but there’s also like this sense of space in my head and breathing afterwards#i feel like i might be getting sick also idk#i want to sleep man#i haven’t been able to function at all
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