#and now i’m having issues bc people don’t like my communication but won’t give me pointers

[hedghost]

Hedge’s Official Ranking of the 24/25 WSL Kits That Literally Nobody Asked For - Home Edition

please please tell me your thoughts in the reblogs or tags!!! i love hearing other people’s critiques. this is the one time the woso community can all come together and complain about the same thing!

1.Liverpool

potentially a controversial opinion but this is Nice As Hell! i know a lot of people said the collars are ugly but like idk it’s kinda giving if you ask me. it’s bold, it’s a statement. i love retro. this is just a good kit. it’s doing bits without doing too much. simple, tasteful, plus a little subtle pizzazz with those jaunty ass stripes - werk it ladies!

plus this kit is made from recycled plastic bottles, nice job! save those turtles liverpool!

apparently the pattern spells out ynwa, which i’m totally Not seeing (maybe i misunderstood this). i’m getting a Y, and then like an H in there maybe? and then i’m just lost, so not sure you hit the mark with that one, but love you for trying! it’s a cool pattern regardless, so i’d maybe just ditch the whole symbolism jargon and stick with that. overall nice job guys - 9/10

bonus points for that prematch shirt, love the detailing on it very sexy top marks

2. Arsenal

sorry arsenal fans, this shit is ugly as fuckkkkk - i’m not even being biased or trying to start fights (for once) it’s just like so hideous. i didn’t really like last season’s but compared to this that was a masterpiece. it’s so PLAIN! the weird red splodge is like not flattering at all and the blue? what’s that all about? also i fucking hate the back it looks like a used period pad, so hopefully the numbers fix that.

praying for your sakes you get a nice third kit or something bc this is ass.

also i’m a HATER for minimalist badge designs. this cannon logo makes the shirt look like a uniform for a museum volunteer. don’t get me wrong - arsenal is not the only culprit. what has a good old crest ever done to you? why do we hate maximalism? why do we hate fun? - 4/10

3. Manchester City

now this is fine. it’s just fine. it’s objectively nice, but it’s also objectively boring! as! fuck! the solid blue is clean but a little too flat. something looks off. it’s missing something. idk it’s nice ig, but it also seems identical to last season? if i saw these pics with no context i’d literally think it was from this year, but that’s the case with most top tier clubs it seems. have some fun guys! push the boat out! where’s the whimsy? but yeah anyway it’s alright.

at least they tried with the sleeves. allegedly they have the manchester dialling code 0161 on them but i mean - do they? do they really? because it looks like a bus seat to me. city fans decide for yourself i guess, because i for one won’t be getting close enough to a city shirt to look

it’s also made from recycled waste textiles so yay again! probably made from all the city shirts people threw out after they all but fucked the title 🤭 - 7/10

4. Tottenham Hotspur

wow spurs this is nice. it’s just so clean, so crisp. my normal issue with spurs kits is their absolute undying commitment to being plain as fuck. they picked one colour, white - arguably the most boring colour of all, arguably even the total absence of colour - and stuck to it. this however? it’s simplicity done well. it’s still plain and simple, but in a gorgeous sexy way. those navy retro colourblock sleeves? stunning! the crispest white you’ve ever seen? stunning! the tiniest of sleeve embellishments? stunning! simplicity done well. it’s just so crispy. pleases my eye.

also huge respect to them for not jumping of the band wagon with the whole ‘every shirt must have ugly details with symbolic meaning we grasped at straws to come up with in order to do something new and edgy’. spurs said no! they said ‘oh this? yeah this is a football shirt. what does it mean? it means football shirt.’ thanks spurs, good job - 9.5/10

5. Crystal Palace

ummmm. now. hmm. uhh. what? this is, um, what? give me a second to get my thoughts in order. i don’t know what is happening here and i’m at a loss for words.

right. crystal palace. inaugural season in the wsl. making a statement. making a splash. right. here’s the thing. i’m always saying wsl kits are too boring. i’m always saying we want fun patterns and whimsy. i’m looking at this in genuine confusion because i actually do not know what is going on here. do i like it? not sure? do i hate it? also not sure?

i think i kind of like it? but i also kind of hate it? it’s insanely busy, it’s probably the most garish kit i’ve ever seen in my life. i think part of the problem is that the club doesn’t have a great colour palette to work from. it’s very bright. i do love the pattern of the eagle crest in the blue, that’s a huge win from me. it’s just those spray paint red splatters that’s throwing me off. it looks like they spent ages making a lovely blue eagle pattern and then remembered they needed red in there so just used the funky spray tools on microsoft paint to draw over the top. it’s giving shit cgi blood splatter in a low budget zombie film. it’s like the barcelona shirts if they were designed by a gcse art student on an acid trip.

the more i’m looking at it however, i’m kind of loving it? kinda camp i guess. this one could be a grower. i’m still confused. at least they’ll make a splash in the wsl - 6/10

6. Manchester United

you’d think by now that i would have learnt to not get my hopes up with this club. remember the long long list of disappointments from yanited this season that i never shut up about? yeah, add this kit to that list.

listen it’s not awful. it’s not ugly, it’s not an eyesore. at the very least, it’s classic united. but it’s just so! bloody! dull! i’m literally falling asleep looking at it. it’s a t-shirt. its literally just a t-shirt. the problem is they set the bar too high last year, with that beautiful pattern and beautiful shade of red. and now, in proper united style, we’re straight back to mediocrity.

let’s talk details. oh wait, they aren’t ANY. there is nothing to say about this kit because there is nothing going ON with this kit. i like the white stripes. that’s it. theres the ombré red at the bottom, which is like- it’s okay. problem is - there’s like four too many shades of red on this shirt, and none of them are that nice. it needs a pattern or something! a pop! a little pizzazz! not a fan of the curved back panel, but it does look a whole lot better than arsenal’s at least.

this is absolutely nothing groundbreaking but it’s fine. it’s just so fucking plain. i know my girls will still serve in it, but i hoped for more. of course, in true united fashion: it’s the hope that kills you - 6/10

7. Chelsea

the tagline for this release is 'we burn blue', because 'the hottest part of the flame burns blue'. congrats on passing year seven chemistry guys. anyway, with that in mind, this kit is, naturally of course, patterned with a mystery blue LIQUID. im not seeing flames in any part of this kit. literally how is this meant to look like fire. this tagline is pure bollocks. it literally could not look more like water if it tried. aka, the opposite of fire.

the kit itself, i'm honestly struggling to form an opinion. i dont think i hate it, but i dont love it either. it may have been easier to figure out if i could actually SEE the kit in any of the release photos, instead of some stupid fucking slow motion blur effect. this pic makes mayra look like she's undergoing mitosis. poor girl's been through enough. it says a lot that in your official kit release you're actively preventing me from looking at the kit.

its not awful? i'm not a fan of these kind of realistic graphics on kits, just makes it look fake and cheap, but like, idk its kinda cool ig. the more i look the more i'm down with it. the colours are nice. its shiny. i'm glad we've gone for originality at least. patterns are fun. - 7.5/10

8. Brighton

i missed this release bc i saw the pictures and genuinely did not realise it was a different kit oops. i do feel bad for clubs who have committed to a striped kit because honestly there’s not really many ways you can play with that. but also that’s kind of their own fault. there’s really not much you can say about this. the sleeves are white this time… okay… there’s a faint pinstripe down each stripe… okayyy… yep that’s kind of it really.

it’s clean, it’s classic brighton, it’s a decent kit. there’s just genuinely nothing new about this. it’s fine. they just clearly couldn’t be bothered and i respect that. - 6/10

9. West Ham

okay we’re doing turtlenecks now apparently!! interesting choice!! i think it kinda looks fuckass silly but also i kind of like it actually. bit of fun innit. good stripes.

the rest of the kit is pretty mid. plainer than a toast sandwich. except for the sleeves! because this year, not only are they bringing in turtlenecks, west ham have decided to also bring in milkmaid sleeves! why is it like that? like is it just a weird bad fit or have they put a fucking elasticated band on? who’s idea was that? what is going on! also am i having a stroke or has the badge changed colour. because it looks fucking hideous. what did they do that for.

i do love the fact they did this shoot in a pub though. very funny. and the kit isn’t too bad. i like the stripes - 6/10

10. Leicester

this is the plainest most boring kit i have ever seen with my own two eyes. that is literally all i can say about this. boring. much like the city of leicester itself.

however - the women have a different kit sponsor to the men and i respect that so you can have one bonus point - 4/10

11. Everton

i’ll be totally honest - i wasn’t expecting everton to give me like the best kit of the bunch. this is the kit for me. i like this one a lot. castore may be mega shit quality but at least they don’t just copy paste all their kits.

i fucking love the pattern here. it’s subtle but it’s nice! and it’s different! we’re not doing any mad shit like chelsea, we’re not doing absolutely nothing at all like leicester. the perfect middle ground of the blue kits. the sponsor is hideous but i’m ignoring that. this is just lovely to look at. stylish, sleek. it’s giving high quality bus seats. this is no stagecoach, this is private hire only. i just love it. and then to top it all off, just the perfect amount of collar detailing. i would be a happy toffee if i was wearing this. gorgeous. loses half a point because the badge fell off during the game which is hysterical.- 9.5/10

12. Aston Villa

this is just the west ham kit if west ham were normal. it’s nothing to write home about, but i do like it. i like the block sleeves and the stripe colour. i like the subtle stripes down the side. i like the simplicity. i like the collar stripes. i even like the flat badge. also i’m assuming this is a betting sponsor which sucks but i do have to say that the sponsor looks great with this kit. it blends in, which is rare. this is a clean, classic kit, and i’m glad that at least one team could be normal. i don’t like that there’s pretty much nothing i can make fun of here. unfortunate for me, good for villa. good job - 8/10

note - all this was written as soon as each club released their kit, so some of my opinions have changed, and a lot have grown on me (looking at you united), but i’ve left the review untouched so you can get purely my honest first impression.

away, third and goalkeeper ratings are currently in progress so expect them once they've all been released! these posts literally never get any notes but i absolutely love doing them so i'm doing it anyway, but if you did wanna encourage me with some nice comments that wouldn't go amiss ;) xx

[lunarfleur]

Earth 42! Miles Morales with Autistic s/o hcs!

Tagging: @juneberrie @sluggmuffin @nagi3seastorm @hiyaitssans @enchanting-violet @luvjunie @milesmolasses

A/N: I did this for my own enjoyment, okay? This is based on my own personal experiences with autism, but I tried to keep it as friendly as possible! Not everyone’s the same, you know?

This is x gender neutral reader!

I’m gonna start this out by talking about how easy it is to feel comfortable in Miles’s bedroom.

He always has his normal lights turned off and LED lights turned on because it’s more comfortable for him

So he’d let you adjust them to how you like it.

He likes lighting candles so it always smells good in there

It’s always clean so there’s no mess to overwhelm you (just bc sometimes messes overwhelm me)

And he has a small space heater so it’s pretty easy to get the room to the right temperature.

It’s quiet in there and his bed is so warm and so cozy

Would recommend.

There’s no need to mask with him. I mean it. He wants you to be comfortable with him and open about yourself.

He won’t judge you.

With your permission, he did tell him mom before you met her

In case things got overwhelming, or something just didn’t go right, he wanted to make sure she understood. (She did.)

Miles was already the kind of boyfriend who has notes in his phone dedicated to information about you

So he has one with any and all of your sensory issues typed out

He had them memorized, but it was just in case.

If you need them, he always has a pair of noise canceling headphones in his backpack for you (he’s one of those kids who carries his backpack everywhere).

Please please please let him listen to you talk about your special interests and hyperfixations!

Bros invested

It’s his favorite thing, listening to the people he loves talk about the things they love

Shows, books, movies…

I know when I’m hyperfixating on a show or movie it’s the only thing I’ll watch (I’ve seen The Mighty Duck movies at least 25 times EACH) he will watch and rewatch them with you

He doesn’t get bored either. He likes getting to enjoy what you enjoy. It makes him feel closer to you

Would definitely subconsciously memorize any signals you may give off

If you have bad habits for when you’re overwhelmed (idk if this is an autism thing for me, but like when I’m overwhelmed I scratch my skin and bite my nails a lot) he’d calmly just like…stop it?

Like pulling your hand away and letting you fidget with his fingers or clothes

He’s a very patient guy, you know? And he loves you.

And he’s so good with meltdowns? Or panic/anxiety attacks. All of the above, basically.

He’s so quick to realize what’s happening and is even quicker to get you away from what’s making it worse (I.E: leaving the room/building to take you somewhere quiet, etc.)

He doesn’t complain or get upset about anything during a meltdown because he knows you can’t help it

Asks for permission before touching you, gives you as much time and space as you need

And is absolutely there for aftercare, too.

He knows it can be exhausting. He’s definitely extra careful with you after a meltdown because he doesn’t want to make anything worse

He keeps things at his house for you, too. Fidgets, comfort foods…bro keeps a weighted blanket on his bed just for you.

He does his research. You’re not going to find any gray areas in his brain

Now, he’s a pretty touchy, feely guy

He likes holding you and loving on you, having you close to him..

So I can see him getting disappointed when you let him know that you don’t want that

But he gets over it pretty quickly

He lets you do things at your own pace and is completely open to a compromise about this kind of stuff

And Miles isn’t afraid to ask you questions, either. But if you don’t have an answer, it’s okay.

If you’re overstimulated and/or going through sensory overload, he’s gonna do his best to get you what you need

He gets that, in times like that, communicating can be hard. That’s why it’s so good that’s he’s so patient. He keeps his voice gentle and his tone doesn’t change

He’s extra straightforward with you to avoid any miscommunication

Overall?

10/10. Would recommend.

[ray-winters]

for the coming out thing just. How did you do it? I’m working up the courage and really look up to you. Just like, what was your journey?

So I did it little by little!

First step is admitting it to yourself. No one really talks about coming out to yourself but it’s a real thing hahaha.

But first I told a close friend, then a few other close friends til I had a little crew I could be myself with. Also helps if they’re in the community, but, mine were not. Well now they are but they didn’t know that at the time. Anyways

Then I told the sister I felt closer to, then my other sister, then my mom, and then my dad.

I texted the first sister bc was scared to say it out loud. I told my other sister when we were in the car, my dad stepped out to grab Chinese food and I took my opportunity hahahha then she had to sit with that all the way home 😂

I told my mom when we were watching Enchanted and I was sobbing bc it couldn’t stay in anymore. That wasn’t the best situation unfortunately. I won’t go into details bc privacy and respect for her growth, but I ended up going back in the closet for a little while. There was a lot going on around my coming out at the same time so it just sort of bubbled up into a big thing.

I told my dad in our jacuzzi one night bc it was dark and I was like…well he probably already knows I’m sure my mom told him. He took it quietly but well. I’m proud of him for that tbh bc he’s still a very conservative man, but socially he’s grown. At least on gay rights.

It’s a scary thing, but I sort of tested the waters by bringing up the topic of gay marriage, etc around them and seeing how they felt and how they responded.

2 things that I want to stress:

I came out in 2011, 13 years ago. Gay marriage wasn’t legal, trans issues were barely talked about, and the most rep I had on TV was Kurt & Blaine on Glee and Marco from Degrassi haha. The world was a much different place, however, I am not gonna sit here and say it’s easier bc the queer experience is difficult, especially when you’re first coming out.

2- give your family time. The way I had it explained to me was that I had 16 years to accept myself and get used to the idea that I was gay, initial reactions will not always be the final reactions. My parents have both grown exponentially since I came out, and they’re my fiercest supporters now. Give them time. There’s a whole period of learning and readjusting from what they thought they knew to what the reality is.

Also, tell whoever you want, it doesn’t have to be a big public announcement if you don’t want it to be. I came out on Twitter after being in the closet all throughout high school (private catholic high school L) and went semi viral throughout the school bc finally I was able to say it out loud haha. But when it came down to telling the people closest to me, I just sort of let them know I wanted to tell them something kind of serious and that I needed their trust.

All that being said, as long as you accept yourself and you have a support system- be that irl friends, family, internet friends, etc. you’ll be ok. There’s a community out there waiting for you no matter where they might be 💙

[pommunist]

im sorry to dump this in your inbox and if you want to delete it please go right ahead, it obviously invites a lot of discourse that you might not want to involve yourself in, but im so frustrated right now. people just keep passing around the same tired nonsensical arguments to try to discredit lea or any of the admins any way they can just to parasocially defend a fucking COMPANY and its just so stupid. "this shouldve been private" did you miss the fact that this started bc they were attempting to resolve it in private and lea got fired for asking for help from pierre? "lea doxxed quackity" she didnt even mean to and she apologized and deleted the tweet as soon as she realized "lea is xenophobic" over a mistranslation. give it up yall Quackity Studios®️ isnt gonna fuck you

First thing first, Xenophobia should never be seen as a « nonsensical argument », whether or not you believe it was perceived as such because of language difference or anything else.

As for the doxxing thing, people can have their thoughts and talk about it, but I won’t because it’s not directly related to the QSMP situation. What I’m trying to say is that these are serious topics than can be discussed, and also not everyone who raised these subjects used it to discredit the admins experience.

The « should’ve been private » argument tho… I can’t like yes, duh, it should’ve ! However it was not possible since communication seems to be a foreign concept within the higher hierarchy of Qstudios so their fault really. I put this in the same category as the « just be patient » argument, like no sorry what we’re talking about is severe mistreatment and exploitation of workers so lets focus on that instead of telling victims and outraged fans how they should act.

Personally I want to focus solely on the workers rights, the way the issues are being handled by Qstudios, the legal aspects of the problems, and just what revolves around the Qadmins situation in general. I have no interest in discussing the character of any CCs or admins as individuals, peripheral issues or fandom « discourse ». Doesn’t mean I don’t care about it just I don’t want to distract the discussion away from the « main » topic.

So if some people sent me anons that were more focused around the doxxing thing, or around being angry at some people’s reactions and were wondering why I didn’t answer them, that’s why ! No hate to y’all, you are still free to use my askbox as a venting place if you want to, I just hope you can understand why I chose, and will continue to choose, not to answer them ✌️

(edit : if you have genuine questions/are looking for answers about the doxxing situation or something else, hop in my dms rather than send me an anon)

Also anon, that last sentence, while I can see where you come from, let's still stay cordial and respectful !

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas! Swiftie anon. So school ended today, and I’m free for like two-ish months. Since you’re a teacher when did your school end? Do you have to do summer school?

the first day of summer starts tomorrow, and I’m nervous. Spending so much time alone with my mom, ugh. She starts her job soon, she hasn’t had one and got hip surgery back in January, but she works at home. Having her be occupied will be nice though. I still remember a few summers ago where she screamed at the top of her lungs at us, for being too loud while she was working. Luckily we won’t have that issue (hopefully)

my friend are inviting me over to their houses all summer so I don’t have to stay at home, so that’s a plus. And I have to go to church in a few days, and ugh, I cringe thinking about it.

so about my brother’s dorm, he’s just going to have his own room, and a communal bathroom, stereotypical college dorm, ig. And like my parents said they had health concerns from my brother sharing a bathroom with two transgender/(+)nonbinary people, but having way more people, idk doesn’t seem logical. My mom said something about hormones and what they’re doing to their bodies, but idk, gives me the ick. Apparently while we were at school, they had a talk. My brother told he that she doesn’t listen, etc. basically that she sucks at parenting, and my mom said she isn’t a nurturing person, which jeez, I couldn’t tell. At home it feels like everyone is holding their breath, that split second of silence before a bomb goes off. I was eavesdropping on my parents (again) and they were talking about how they shouldn’t make it a big deal, and it wouldn’t have been if they hadn’t gone fucking insane over it. They were also talking about how it was an issue how my brother saw a as a girl? Which like, they’re friends, she dresses feminine, she has long hair, she wears makeup and I’m pretty sure she’s on hormones (is that the correct term?). My brother is a respectful person, it’s like the same thing as calling someone a nickname. That why we have to go to church, because to quote my mom, “the indoctrination starts young, (my name) and (my sisters name) could already know about this.” I almost wanted to pop up and shout that I read fanfiction about gay people in imaginary worlds every night before I go to sleep. She’s like scared we’ll become gay or something. She even said so herself, (to my dad) “moving our son out of the room won’t solve anything, he could still go and hang around lgbtsaui (she said a ton of random letters bc “the acronym is too long”) and be exposed to it” yeah bc there’s gay people in real life an they’re apart of society. And yes, my parents care a lot about college, they both grew up poor so it makes sense. And my mom likes saying things, she said yesterday morning that she wanted to split her and my dad’s finances, but that didn’t happen, she has mental issues too. Or runs on her side of the family, my aunt, she committed suicide in the 90s and apparently my mom has suffered from low mood, so thanks a lot to her ig.

as for if my brother likes a, my parents asked right before if they asked if he liked boys “do you like (deadname) like a boyfriend.” He said no, obviously, bc she’s a girl now. My brother hasn’t show interest in anyone as far as I know, we don’t talk about that stuff together, but we play a video game together, and he likes the female characters, but he could like, like their design and sorry and stuff, or like them, or both. But women are usually prettier in video games so straight dudes buy. Can you be straight and date a trans person(I’m uneducated, i apologize)? My dad asked him “would you ever be with someone knowing that they’re actually a boy? I wouldn’t, I feel like people don’t tell others that these days.” My brother said no, obviously he could be telling the truth or lying and there is a “right” answer when my parents ask. So idk if he likes a, as far as I know, he hasn’t been interested in someone like that. Honestly by brother is probably a straight cis dude, if he’s not, he can tell me if he likes. If he doesn’t want to tell me, well there’s clearly a reason for that. He’s my older brother, he’s helped me through a lot, that won’t change.

I am not youngest sibling anon, bc I have never had a crush on anyone. *awkward jazz hands* bc I’m aroace. Probably. Somewhere on the spectrum anyway, I’m too depressed to have a sexuality crisis. So I’m you’re the first person i came out to, so congrats (?). I honestly haven’t told anyone, bc I’m in middle school and everyone is just gonna tell me I’m too young to know and I can’t deal with homophobes and my many mental illnesses. And I’m fine with being a girl (for now, I’m young so who knows?), I have body image issues, but that’s bc I have confidence issues. I hope they’re doing okay cause it looks like they’re going through some shit.

Okay so today at school, like 10 minutes before we were dismissed there was one one over the loudspeaker, saying something and my math teacher smells us to be quiet so we could hear. We didn’t, he told us to be quiet again, and we didn’t again. He whistled and shouted shut up. And I got scared, I flinched, my friends pointed it out, I hid behind one of them. Some people were joking about how red his face was, I was scared, like my life was being threatened. It’s just so embarrassing, idk, I thought I knew how to handle myself, I thought I got over it. One of my friends, held up a wooden block and pretended to throw it at me, before the teacher yelled at us, and I ducked and covered my head. It’s just frustrating, bc I thought maybe I was getting better. I stopped getting hit years ago, I shouldn’t be flinching like that anymore.

I’m just so upset with myself, bc I should be happy, I’m a kid, I have stuff, my life is comfortable, I have friends. Beside my home life, it’s been okay. Why aren’t I happy. Why can’t I be happy. It’s just so frustrating bc everyone around me is happy, carefree almost. And I can’t be like that, I didn’t think you could still be like that, as a teenager. It’s so, maddening, and I…I want to be happy too, I’ve been trying so hard for so long to be happy, and every comment my parents make about having a positive attitude hurts more. Because I am trying, I’ve been trying so hard for so long, and no one can even notice the difference. It’s all just fucking pointless. This is my best, my best sucks and can’t do shit, apparently. I thought I was doing things, it hurts, it hurts so much more than I thought it would. Staying alive, here, I never thought it could hurt so much. And like, sometimes I wonder if there’s a point, I’ll end up alone, everyone keeps moving away, I’m literally a mistake, bc my parents didn’t mean for me to even be here and I don’t want to be.

this was way longer than intended, I’ll drop it here for now, if I don’t send another message, it’s bc i got my phone taken.

have a good day/night!

Hi hon!

Okay, so yes, hormones is the right term, but remember that a trans person doesn't have to be on hormones to be trans or to be considered the gender they identify as.

Also, yes, straight people can date trans people. I think, in some ways, it's affirming for a straight dude to be like "of course I'm straight because I'm dating x. Because she's a girl" It reminds x that she IS a girl.

As far as your happiness- when you say "I have stuff, my life is comfortable" so? You clearly aren't being supported, of COURSE you're sad! And it's okay to be sad! Just remember that this won't last forever. Soon, you'll be the one off to college, and your parents will have less and less control over you.

I'm sending you so much love and support <3

[genderqueerwhohatesithere]

where are all the trans men…at least in the queer spaces im in its predominantly trans women which is great yknow? but there will be like one or two other trans guys. if that. and they won’t be super active. i saw someone make a reddit post with similar feelings about bisexual men. and yeah. i’m gonna be honest, i think the way misandry has been made into a cute and funny joke and people casually throw out things about hating all men has deeply affected men in minority groups. the fact that people don’t see this astounds me. because i am a trans man, people see “man” and block out anything i’m saying like this. if i say i’m genderfluid, i might get a bit more leeway. it’s just frustrating. it’s maddening. i already have to deal with bs from cis people, i shouldn’t have to deal with hatred from my own community. it was so bad i was afraid to transition. i have a fucking complex about how being a girl is better bc it’s been fucking drilled into me. i’ve seen other trans men say similar things. when will people start listening?

stop saying shit like that. it affects ppl. correct your friends. Just give people the same respect you want to be given. it’s that simple. no matter their gender, sexuality, orientation, whatever. it should not be a hot button issue for me to say, hey maybe it’s a bad thing when we say ALL of “x group” is bad about anyone. but people seem to have blinders on right now.

right in front of me, people will say they hate all men and don’t trust them. do they not see me as a man, or do they simply not care? why do i have to tell people to have empathy( to acknowledge nuance.

it’s LITERALLY i’ve been bit by pitbulls so all pitbulls should be put down. this kind of logic has been used time and time again and it’s so old! it’s so tired! no one is benefiting from it.

be specific!! “i hate when men do x.”, “i hate the way cis men fetishize me” etc. figure it out. my god.

when you say stuff like, “it’s implied we aren’t talking about everyone” no it is fucking not. then i’m walking on eggshells around you.

[raekensarcher]

can u do all??

hells yes (for the sake of my brain i am just putting emojis)

✨: my first fic!!!! i wish people would give it more credit. also the religious one

💘: again, like, all of them. i am my own worst critic

💫: how you interpret my work!! if you point things out that i hadn’t even thought of before!!

🌈: i did struggle the most with my newest fic. the plot and first chapter was written and rewritten a handful of times before it got to what it is now

🦋: most insecure about people not liking my interpretation of things. always worried i’m not seeing the characters how everyone else sees them and it won’t be liked.

🌻: writers block fr. my brain jus stops working. what keeps me going is that i love writing, i can just shut my brain down and type and end up with 3k words like nothing even happened. i love it.

🌿: creating makes me feel powerful idk like writing is such an escape , even when most of my writing is projection, it feels better to put it on someone else and something else. it gives me a chance to breathe and to think about things

🍉: like i said, projecting. it helps in terms of being able to sort things out, to problem solve. if i can figure it out for my characters, i can figure it out for myself. it helps

🎀: my writing has improved significantly since i was 14/15. i really love the writing style i’ve settled on.

🎈: again, big on imagery and behind the scenes things. love it.

🎉: dude?? every time i post a fic i lay down and read it and feel proud of myself. always celebrate your work!!! always!!!

💞: the most important part of the story, to me, is being able to picture it. when i write things i want to be able to see it in my head, i don’t want unanswered questions. i want to be able to feel what the characters are feeling and be there with them u know? i am a sucker for imagery and racing thoughts. i want to be in the characters head.

💝: definitely my first one. was super worried ab posting that one.

🤍: first big one/religious one. for sure.

🕯️: probably my religious one and the one i did about theo and his guilt. lots of projection, like, so much. but it wasn’t difficult to write so much as hard to realize what i was writing? and ig just recognize how much i was hurting.

💥: theo guilt fic!!! deserves more reads and credit. it’s sad but it’s probably the most honest theo i have ever written.

🍭: i started writing as a diary type of thing. it helps to smash a keyboard instead of anything else.

💎: it makes me feel better,, and if i write something that someone else connects with??? i feel wonderful.

📡: i think writing is important because it’s giving people a voice u know? like even if it’s just fandom things, people are being creative and allowing themselves to dive into a different reality to build new things. it’s fun!!

🪄: i honestly don’t have, like, a set routine or anything after i finish something? aside from going through and reading it as a ftr, i kind of just sit there and hope everyone loves it

🎙️: oh god that’s a lot of pressure shsgjdhfk i think the zoo one maybe? it’s something that’s up to interpretation for everyone and we’re never actually gonna know what happened. i would love to hear everyone else’s thoughts n opinions on it

🤲🏼: peace of mind, actually. my writing is me trying to sort out my own problems, if i’m solving the issues for my characters i’m solving the issues for myself

💋: YES!!! i don’t typically leave comments bc my brain is scrambled but when i have and it involves a question then yes absolutely i would love to hear back

☯️: i think communication in fandom is healthy and it’s so fun to make friends on tumblr/twitter/etc. i’ve made a few since joining tw tumblr and i can say it’s been a great experience so far. some of my best friends (of 4+ years) are ones i made through fandom. they’re family to me

🧿: honestly? if something isn’t getting the response i would like then i just try to forget about it hagdjfj i care too much about what people think and i’m trying to care less about that. i write for me, if someone else happens to like it then yay but if not then it isn’t the end of the world.

💌: current wip things?? i’ve just got the one big one and i swear i’ll have a chapter update for it soon i’ve just been dealing with a lot of family issues lately. new chapter soon though!! i have plans :)

[evanpetersbuttocks]

for me actually the only real real problem is that evan didn’t even mention the victims in his speech

his «  i hope something good come out of this » wasn’t enough.

i know that he’s not for sure a militant like he’s not that celebrity who will use his voice and makes clear positions on societal subjects/ issues like misogyny, racism, politic, abortion… ( i don’t know if i’m explaining myself right bc i’m french and my english is so poor since i entered university 😭😭 )

and that not like other actors, he wouldn’t have done a powerful speech talking about the inequality and i don’t know why he decides to enter this project even though it was so touchy and difficult, he could have said that he wanted to perform this role to put in image how much the police was and actually IS deficient bc of racism in Usa. this would have been amazing i think. not just amazing bc it was socially acceptable to say that and to be perceive as the cool white activist boy but it would have give a meaning behind his participation to the serie instead of just having « like the script » or whatever he said to justify his participation.

i saw someone on tumblr who was defending evan and who was saying that basically making this serie and the fact that the victim family didn’t respond like now they should shut up …

i just have to say something just put yourself in their shoes not in their shoes but in their forever broken heart and life…

being murder by a psychopath isn’t the same as being taken by disease or an accident

i don’t know where is humanity in some of this evan fandom, where are the emotions.

this is what was lacking in ev speech some emotions about the serie and the victim who were real people

i know that his speech was meant to be professional and actually centered about cinema and you know the producing instead of trying to be an activist speech. but i understand why tony’s mom was angry about him not saying anything about all the victims 🤡 ryan murphy and all of them werent really shy while filming dahmer and using all the real names of the victims.

was that too much maybe to have included all those names in his speech ? or would have been so hard to reverse all his money to the family’s ? hes already a millionaire… you wanted to do it for the thrill and the passion of acting then okay but left the money ( and you all don’t come after me telling me why would give the family money would change anything ) to those whose murders are allowing you to gain money

why him and not the others ? all the others actually but the ryan murphy since the beginning you can see he didn’t care

it’s « his money » yes maybe but if those murders wouldn’t exist this money won’t be his,

it’s not on him only hum…. the amount of money received by netflix and his production lol but i think by playing the « main character » of this serie he should have took the first step and made this decision as a genuine decision.

like hello guys i’m giving all of my pay to the victim family, it may but bring back your lost ones but it’s not my money. i was just in this serie to help put in image all this deep racism problem linked to policy and also bc i knew this role will be really hard to perform but i don’t want and need this money.

it may cost you money but you know at least you’re not perceived as a white privileged actor who is still enjoying selfishly and gaining money on racism murders on the black/minor community.

i’m just questioning all of it hum 🤨

it’s just my opinion as a black woman

pls don’t attack me lol

i still love evan and i was soooo happy for him for his victory

thanks for such a big text and for taking the time to write this, dw, i understood you perfectly. and of course, i’ll not attack, because it is written respectfully. my appeal was rather to those who, without arguing their position, immediately and categorically humiliated evan, without considering both sides in their text. i agree with you in some way, if you search somewhere below on my account, i wrote my complaint about the series itself and it seemed incorrect to me to come to the victims’ house, ask their hard stories and just leave. i agree that this part should have been given more attention, and to be honest, the thought “he didn’t say anything about the victims and their families” flashed through my head at the end, it’s true. i was rather infuriated by the fact of the flow of uncontrolled shit that poured out on him, which caused a response in me. it’s just how people get their thoughts across. undoubtedly, forgetting about families and victims is unacceptable. i would say that evan himself is awkward at speeches, not very talkative, and very nervous, but as a ukrainian citizen (which i am) who himself faces death almost every day, this would be a strange excuse - he needed to say more and try to focus on respect and emphasize it. it just upsets me how people throw themselves with fire without controlling their emotions. of course, all people are different, i understand this very well, but evan seems far from the worst person to be so humiliated and even go so far as to cancel him, as i saw it. and it hurts to see such aggressive comments while much tougher people get more understandings

[raraeavesmoriendi]

Hi, @idreamtofmanderleyagain, I’m your anon (linking here for context). I approached you that way initially bc I didn't think that we had interacted enough times to have me approaching you about this not seem confrontational, but since you’ve been kind enough to put so much serious thought into your answer, I think it would only be fair to respond at all with my face attached. I tried to reblog this in direct response to your own post, but between the two of us, we seem to have hit tumblr’s post length limit. go figure.

Ahead of my response, I have to explain part of my perspective outside just being a fic writer: I’m a grad student in a literature department, still work there currently, and have taught undergrad english during my program, so this issue has already had a massive impact on my field. My own experiences have given me reasons to be wary of LLMs in particular, so that does influence my views to some degree. But your original post was mostly about fandom, so I won’t expand on those unless you’d want me to, for whatever reason.

keeping it to just fandom stuff, even with your research, I hate to say none of my previously voiced concerns are assuaged.

AI users have, knowingly or not, justified the initial theft by corporations to train their products that are potentially going to be made into for-profit models as something unfortunate but ultimately worth overlooking in the long run, and already, I know we’re going to disagree at a fundamental level. You said it yourself above, where you acknowledge this is a factor, but this doesn't give you enough pause to question your own use of these models.

You could stop reading now to save your own time and I would understand, but I still wish to respond to these other points.

While I appreciate your apparent genuine effort to interrogate these systems to the degree of their training and use of this data... you'll have to forgive me if I remain skeptical. I'm not surprised it told you what it told you, and as you yourself pointed out, it could easily be spitting out boiler plate answers programmed by the people in whose interest it would be answering. There is no promise of authenticity, as you noted, and I wouldn't be surprised if the program that generates prose based on user prompts is presenting to you what it thinks you'd want to read. Thanks nonetheless.

The arguments presented here seem to invoke the disabled community multiple times in ways that I’ve seen the larger community disagree with, and while we’re not? a monolith? I think this is something I want to address on from my corner of it. Let’s start with the Amazon/Bezos comparison. You could argue I should only shop locally, sure. But I’m sure you’re aware lots of people (myself included) use Amazon bc for things we absolutely need of limited access to certain supplies in our communities, etc, and that’s not even uncommon among non-disabled people. But the fact remains that LLMs are not like Amazon in the sense they’re a super conglomeration that has made itself almost unavoidable, especially to people who live in more isolated areas. I don’t think your exercises in a character chat bar are exactly comparable to that, primarily because using AI in your creative work is not a necessity; people are only doing so out of curiosity.

That, I think, is primary issue actual artists and writers find uncomfortable: people who don’t have to use this technology that was, again, built to some degree on the exploitation of people who have been developing their skills for whole careers, are taking umbrage against the fact that those same creatives are upset with those that don't think this exploitation is worth curtailing or interrogating their personal use of AI. This is an entirely optional part of your writing. Metaphorically, I would argue that this is not Amazon, this is closer to eating Chik-fil-a - you know something sucks for a particular community, but you still have the option to patronize it yourself if you really wanted to.

If that sounds unfair to you, sure, you can assert your right to use the LLMs. But the rest of us who didn’t consent to having our work scraped, especially in the era of a writer’s strike where AI is specifically an issue, maybe won’t be as receptive to the fact that this is something you’re willing to disregard to some degree for the sake of whatever benefits you see to AI in your work. You might not frame it this way, but this is still what it comes down to. Your experience with this new technology is ultimately outweighing voiced concerns that people, as you pointed out yourself, are going to see their livelihoods impacted. I don’t mean to be blunt, but that is genuinely what I believe is being weighed in this issue.

I also disagree as someone who is neuroatypical that the idea of “hard work” the artists and writers are invoking in their arguments against AI is ableist? Because I know exactly what they’re referring to; I have spent literal years working on my craft. I’ve dedicated a great deal of my education to it. I know you didn’t just start writing yesterday, either, and that this is a process that you find fulfilling in some not-minor sense, hence perhaps your initial desire for AI experimentation. While you seem to read the creatives against AI as invoking an ableist standard of “hard work” as in working towards literal health problems (the recent ComicsBrokeMe discussion on various platforms is timely), no one who’s trying to make a serious living out of their craft in the current economic climate is going to say that what they do isn’t hard work, or that they haven’t put hard work in to work at the level they do. Saying that the idea of hard work is in itself ableist downplays the effort many creatives, disabled and not, actually conscientiously undertake in their creative endeavors. I know we both know disabled creatives can do hard work. AI users trying to frame this idea as ableist are well-meaning, but this argument kind of shoots itself in the foot if you believe that talent in the humanities is learned, and not somehow inborn. People who try to frame AI as something to level the playing field are more or less saying on some level that the efforts to learn art or writing either don’t work, or aren’t worth the time needed to practice.

As said previously, disabled people are not a monolith, and disabled people using AI doesn’t mean other people, also disabled or not, have to find it acceptable. As you’re well aware, there are lots of disabled artists and writers who have established distinguished careers for themselves well before LLM and visual models were ever even a concept. There are many ways we’ve found to participate in these disciplines, which makes me deeply skeptical of anyone trying to claim this is the only way they’re able to create something, especially if they use their disability as a shield to excuse it. Again, this is not a necessity in any artistic endeavor, as there are plenty of us who are disabled who manage to create regularly.

As to AO3, I’ll be honest, I am one of the people calling for AI exclusion, or at least open labeling of such products. The process of generating a fic or even just a summary with an LLM is completely different from actually writing a fic yourself and the level of intention involved, as I’m sure you’re aware. The AI isn’t making creative decisions as much as it is filling out a written parameter based on previous examples it’s been given, no? It's not even something I'd really consider "brainstorming" -- It’s just a series of words the algo has arranged in what it believes to be the “correct” order. The operator can refine their prompt, but we both know that doesn’t engage the same process of planning and executing a story yourself does - even, I’d argue, down to a drabble.

You can argue this differentiation would create a culture of secrecy, but that secrecy only flourishes if people using AI purposefully try to conceal doing so. If AI is something you're going to continue to peruse in your own work, I don't see why other users wouldn't adopt with open identification, both so y'all can find each other and so those of us who would rather not engage with AI can filter appropriately. I don't think generations should be engaged with in same way, because they are in themselves the product of a different kind of effort, which you can argue is fannish/fen, but I will gently disagree.

And, if the results of the generated fics are just as vague, confused, and overly general as you describe in your own personal experience, I see that as a further argument as to why we shouldn’t want them there. If the AIs have stopped training, as you’ve read, they’re certainly not going to get any better. And if the AI is still learning, then that only underscores the original problem in the first place. Even if it’s not scraping AO3 or other sources anymore, people like yourself who are feeding their own fics in will help teach it, which you may not see as a problem. AO3 currently agrees with you, so if you want to post the products of your research, you’re certainly able to. If AO3 doesn’t want to ban AI fics, I don’t think the rest of us are in the wrong to either ask for them to be taggable, or to be filed as a completely separate option from fan fic or fan art. You can call them Fan Generations, even, idk  but I do think there should be some delineation between the process that went into these and user-written fiction.

AO3 does have a public source code, IIRC, so if people like yourself wanted to gather and set up a dedicated archive of machine-generated work, I imagine you’d find some takers for volunteering and fundraising - not as many at first as the original, sure, but if this is something that a side of fandom wants it then has potential to grow.

On top of that, people continuing to feed/refine the models will only remove that vagueness/confusion you cite to justify why it’s harmless. We’ve already seen this be true of imaging AI being distinctive from human-created art with the numerous human fingers gradually whittling down, right? If that’s the case, then I don’t see why people who generate their fics wouldn’t want to have them tagged as AI, if it really makes no difference to them.

All of the above, plus citing some artists being incorrect about how AI works or being too mean as an argument towards why people should be able to use AI without pushback from the creatives they stand to impact, has made me think that your problem is less with community fracturing/safety and more an issue with the tone other people take when discussing this. This is where we come back to our initial disagreement over your examples w/r/t discussions of trans issues and vegan issues - because I do feel the people angry about the way they’re being treated unfairly/exploited are justified in expressing anger at the people who do so, but also those willing to ignore this treatment.

You can argue that this is people turning their anger with the AI threatening their livelihoods at the people using the AI, but then we come back to something similar to the “guns don’t/people do” argument that we’ve both doubtless heard a lot in the past few decades. Sure, you could say AI itself isn’t threatening our fields, people are - and maybe not even always the people directly using the AI, but the suits that will hire them for cheap, or the person who doesn’t see the value in human intention and artistry in the pop culture they want to consume. But if people continue to work with these models and they continue to learn, it only increases an ongoing social devaluation of our disciplines, and therefore decreases the value of our labor/effort by the people who don’t see the difference.

Again, as you seem fine to further experiment with AI yourself and feed it your own work, you might think that this is just a necessary trade to be made in the name of optimized individual experience with these systems. I don’t know.

So, ultimately - I centrally disagree with the initial framing of this as fans attacking other fans, or even an issue of safety or witch hunts. This is people who do creative work, professionally or for fun, having a problem with it being infringed upon by corporate entities in the name of training a machine, and then having the use of that exploitation justified by people who are seeking to ultimately take advantage of it. And not even due to the inescapable nature of doing so, but out of what ultimately boils down to their personal desire to use AI in their own work.

This lands especially heavy in a time where lots of creative people are already trying to

convince the powers that be that their cultivated knowledge and skills are worth respect and proper restitution,

convince the people that consume the work that they aren’t entitled to a creative’s labor for free just because it’s Art,

deal with this weird resentment from people who want to use AI even though many have explained how they’re being hurt by them, and seeing arguments that we’re somehow censoring the creativity of these people by doing so.

It’s a shitty hydra, and we don’t appreciate the people who are contributing to any of its heads.

If you want to call the initial theft a “technicality” and claim it shouldn’t be controversial to continue your use of AI, my only suggestion is to not ask creatives impacted by this to forfeit their right to be angry at this use. That doesn’t excuse targeted abuse, of course; nothing does, end of. But I also don’t think that artists, writers, and other people who have been exploited being generally frustrated and even angry at AI, and the people who perpetuate that exploitation by creating the demand for AI is on the same level as someone being shitty to you as a person or anyone else. There’s not a witch hunt. It’s just going to have to be recognized as a pushback to this ongoing adoption of AI that its makers, funders, and users are pulling for.

You frame this as innocent people getting hurt, but innocent people already have been hurt by these systems, and have detailed how, and that doesn’t seem to warrant as much concern by the proponents now calling for amnesty when that they’ve got something new to tinker with.

You’ve already said you won’t be making any further posts about it, so don’t feel obligated to respond to this. I want to respect your space, and I’m also not really looking to argue - I didn’t intend to write this much about it, as it’s something I find disheartening and frustrating all around.

I don't think I'm actually going to convince you of anything, having read your own justifications, etc. I just wanted to acknowledge the work you put into this post with my own thoughts. Thanks for the willingness for dialogue, you have been someone whose takes/analysis I enjoyed previously.

[fettl3]

Got in an argument w my gf because she’s upset that I won’t compromise my beliefs & work teaching positions for privileged students. She’s mad because she has had to work for rich kids for years now & doesn’t understand why I keep turning down gigs. I keep telling her that I would always rather take a pay cut & be in communities that I understand & I think can actually benefit from my energy/attention. I’m not willing to compromise, over & over again I will always take an L if it means aligning with my values.

I’m getting kind of beat down tho. I can remember a time in my life where the people around me were all so much more radical and, though flawed, at least uncompromising. I’m getting worn out dealing with my gf’s internalized issues. She doesn’t know it but she puts all of this bullshit onto herself and then onto me. She gets so envious of my very fulfilling endeavors, like teaching at the high school or teaching my queer curriculum at the studio. But I keep telling her: dude. Ur the only one holding yourself back. You’re the only one keeping yourself in this mindset that you have to always only work for white/privileged people. Ultimately ur the one propelling assimilationist agendas. & then she gets upset with me for being pretentious but bitch!!! Just bc I use big words doesn’t mean I’m not also applying these things ??!! & literally directly helping people.

She only sees me as white which I can hardly argue with but she doesn’t understand the difference between Mexican and Chicano. My family is 4+ generations deep in California: so of course I know American culture more than I know Mexican culture. But that doesn’t make me aligned with this fucking nation. & it doesn’t make me oblivious or loyal to fucking white people, who in my view, destroyed my homeland & made it uninhabitable to my people.

But at the same time I understand that her position is still really important to consider, her experiences of racism are always more important to hold than mine (simply because of how we look) & her immigrant family buying into the American dream isn’t something that I feel like I can criticize. They’re not wrong for the choices they’ve made. But also I’m not going to hold myself to those expectations & I don’t fucking have to.

It all gets me questioning myself & I just have to keep reminding myself of all the people who have told me, to my face, that I have changed their lives. That I’m good at what I do. I have to remember all the gifts my students give me, all the times their faces light up as they grasp something. I have to remember how good these connections feel. & remember that my gf is just envious & pissed.

[cyrsed]

rambling about what i did on friday (went to a meeting with a lot of transphobes) and also my work nemesis

i have this one coworker who i thought Might be trans too before i got a chance to work with her on a project so i was always like... put me on a team with her... but then i did get put on a team with her and it turns out she’s super condescending and passive aggressive so it doesn’t really matter if she’s trans or not hglskdjfkld

coincidentally tho, the team that i joined with her on it on my last project Did have an out trans person on it, so that’s how i met my trans work friend and we how we started a trans work group gjlsdfkj so net positive imo. but i still felt like i was Insane while working with the coworker who’s super passive aggressive, bc everyone else i work with is so nice that i couldn’t tell if i was the only person who was interpreting her as being really condescending ghlskdfj. but no, 1000% she is, i just have trouble trusting myself to accurately interpret people’s intentions.

anyway the point is just that she’s my work nemesis now and on friday i went to the FL meeting for the medical board to draft and vote on their ban on trans youth receiving medical care (didn’t want to say anything before i went bc idk, i was worried about the antis looking through social media to find trans people who were going. but it was absolutely awful, except that i met a bunch of really cool trans people). so i had posted in my work trans group chat about the meeting to be like “ik it’s short notice bc i only found out about it recently but the meeting is happening and here’s where/what’s on the agenda if anyone else can come”. then my trans work friend took that message and on friday they put it in the like, office-wide group chat as well (which i’m glad about, bc i was afraid to do that lol).

the only reason i know (bc i was out on Friday to go to the meeting) is bc i happened to check my notifications and saw my nemesis had responded and was just basically like “i don’t think this kind of activism is effective bc it won’t convince the board to change their mind”, and it’s like. yeah, sure, we won’t change the mind of the board themselves, but it’s also about showing that there are people who oppose the rule, giving our testimony so it’s on record, protesting, and showing support to trans youth/trans people in general, not just trying to debate the medical board into changing their minds (bc most of the board are desantis donors anyway), so even tho i agree that yes, the board most likely won’t change their mind, i can’t imagine what kind of person i’d have to be to see someone asking for help/support on a hugely important issue and my first reaction is to discourage people from participating :T she always has to make a negative comment about everything, and i just don’t get how you could possibly see that as an appropriate response? maybe it doesn’t seem that bad from what i’ve said, but she just Always has a negative comment to make about Everything, and it’s like,, all you had to do was not say something pessimistic/needling, or just not say anything at all if you can’t say something nice.

i’m just especially mad about it bc as much as talking to her always made me feel demoralized on my last project, at least that was just about Code, generally speaking, and not discouraging people from supporting a vulnerable community.

like before the board meeting, i joined this zoom call the night before put on by an lgbt+ organization where they went over what to expect, how to stay safe, what messaging we should focus on at the board meeting etc., and just in that meeting there was a woman who was moved to tears bc of the support of the allies in that One zoom meeting (which probably only had like 20 people in it?). like the meeting hasn’t even happened, and the support of people opposing the rule is already making a difference to real life trans people, and all you can say is “that won’t work”? it feels especially cold given that the person who posted the message in our work chat is also trans. i just can’t fathom what makes someone think that’s an appropriate response to seeing someone bring up a piece of real life discrimination and bigotry without even so much as bringing up an alternative strategy, if you think that the strategy of yknow, showing up to the meeting, won’t work.

imagine if young trans people read about that meeting, and the articles about it all said “it was entirely filled with supporters of the rule”? like what message does that send? as of now, the article i read mentioned specifically that the room was filled /overwhelmingly/ with opposition to the rule, which hopefully communicates to the young trans people who might read about it, or see it or anything, that they’re not alone, and that more people are against this than for it.

sorry for ranting gghsdklfj if you read all of this thank you! i just needed to rant bc it made me so angry and stuff... i’ll probably make a dif post about what hte meeting itself was like

[suedrawl]

okay sorry i did a huge reblog dump bcs it’s 5am and i just want to sleep but my health don’t give me any days off

anyway hey!! I’m okay. I was at the ER for 12 hours a few days ago—spent 10 hours in the waiting room, 2 in a weird closet/makeshift room. only to be told it’s likely just a minor infection or virus. god. cannot express accurately how that day went. it was…a day. so thankful for Pablo, at least

so we were initially worried about things like gallstones, appendicitis, miscarriage, kidney issues, so on. but I am okay sorta . blood work and xrays didn’t show anything outside of higher white blood count. so essentially IBS or something? but i’m still dealing with bad stomach cramps (like now!). been struggling to get myself to hydrate, fatigued, achey—it doesn’t combine well with my already Normal Pain

tho finally after weeks of trying i got an appointment set up with my pcp on monday. so maybe i’ll get more answers then. also will see about medical marijuana, physical therapy, and short term disability

i just hope something is found—anything. with the cramping, all the weight gain I’ve had, and other symptoms. i’m so tired. i’m so embarrassed with my state. i know i’ve disappointed and let people down. I haven't been around for friends as much. So I'm partial to say things Have worsened? But honestly, in a way, far from true

I haven't been passively suicidal and hopeless like I was in what felt like a decade or more. I'm with someone I love, living on my own, and have been given the space to rest/recover. And I honestly have been loving the distance from the internet and older social habits. it’s nothing against friends, but readjusting myself from the mom friend/caretaker/masking/denying myself space and needs. the solitary (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been drawing the Hermit card) and focus on irl/more in the moment has been so relieving

but also feels so… like i’m trading one bad thing for another set. my grandfather (last grandparent alive) isn’t doing well. my cat Gibbs… it won’t be long, and I don’t think I’ll be able to see him in time. Haven’t seen my family in over a year. Struggling financially. Been working through a lot of communication/boundaries/needs with Pablo and his family. This season is always rough bcs it’s SAD on top of my regular chronic depression. cold weather is hard on my fibro. other health issues are flaring and struggling to find respite. it’s also weird bcs this is the time where i was lost in the woods as a child. missing my dad. family childhood trauma. the weight…i hate it. feeling lost, discouraged, exhausted. that sense of being betrayed by my body. struggling to keep up, accepting so many limitations, realizing that realistically, you are not enough for others expectations. it’s something i am used to, and inherently can pick up fast. but still takes time to process and cope

just wanna draw and be house wife like. i have really basic needs and hopes right now

small steps. keep trying. i’ll get there, bit by bit. but i am so deeply exhausted

[roadkillbppy]

working on getting back to fantasies of running away instead of playing out suicides in my head. everything is such a mess. I fucked up bad. my mind is such a. I don’t even know how to describe it. I feel unwell. the consequences of digging a hole of isolation. and I guess I’m probably autistic? that keeps kinda throwing me for a loop but it makes sense. and the daddy issues keep bothering me more. and rebel rebel I don’t know if I’m a boy or a girl. and I need to find a different job. and I think I’m just at the end of my rope but I can’t stop bc all the people that I’d upset. I feel like I’m living in an bubble where I’m constantly exposed to everyone but no one is giving me attention but I’m forced to have to exist for every one else’s benefit. I know communication is a two way street.. I’m struggling so bad. I’m going to try to make up with Christmas gifts.. but I’m awful. run away and start over.. run away and don’t stop running.. run away and then I could really fade away. Go make my mess in some wilderness where my family won’t find my body. I could drive into a lake now and no one would probably find it if I did it right but it’s cold and dark and scary.. idk if I could do that one. hanging gourself isn’t exactly easy either but there’s something comforting there about it. maybe it’s just bc I wore my collar so much. I want to drive away but there’s nowhere in this world for me. I’d be better off driving straight to hell

[northern-passage]

I don't want to rehash old news, but I need to say this and others need to hear it. I am so tired of people demanding IFs to be more of the same! This and that choices, this and that characters. It is INTERACTIVE FICTION. nowhere does it say that every game is a self-insert (which is an issue on its own). if you're playing a predetermined person who you can guide... It is STILL interactive fiction!! Driving me crazy. and to end it nicely; One of the best IFs ever! Love love love

yeahhh no i totally agree. no shade towards cog here but they have a very basic formula pretty much every one of their very popular games follow and bc cog sort of has this...iron grip on the IF genre due to being so mainstream, like on the app store and on steam, people think this is like.... the end all be all of interactive fiction and people compare Everything to the same three games over and over again.

and it’s not the end all be all at ALL there is SO much more interactive fiction out there. i actually got into IF on itch.io, and in the beginning i only read visual novels because i’m a child and love looking at pretty pictures. i do think the fact that i found IF this way and not through cog has been what’s influenced my style and the way i approach IF. i didn’t start reading cog until last summer, and honestly i prefer most of the wips i’ve read over actual published content. that’s what pushed me to write my own. and it sucks that cog won’t share choicescript bc it’s SUCH a good starting coding language, it’s so accessible and easy to learn. 

and i’ve said before i’m just not interested in writing a flat, blank slate character. that’s SO boring for me as a writer and i also don’t like it as a reader.

i think seeing how your decisions change a character is so much more interesting than just having a generic, over-powered, essentially faceless character. now, i DO know why people enjoy that - we all love a good self-insert from time to time - but i really wish readers would break out of this mold cog has made.

itch.io can be a little overwhelming at first, but honestly it has a really nice tag and filter system (which is critical bc itch.io DOES have a lot of nsfw, though i’ve never had any issue w the safe filter on) to find stuff you like. also, if there’s an author you follow who has work on itch.io chances are they have favorites themselves listed on their profile, or will give out recs if you ask. in fact, i’ll list some of my recs right now:

we know the devil - one of the first VNs i bought and read. if you enjoy this one, def check out pillowfight’s other work

lookouts - one of my favorite short pieces.

lake of voices - a lot of people are familiar with Our Life, by GBpatch, but i absolutely love lake of voices. voiced characters, a little bit of angsty romance, death, and horror...mwah

love is strange - a CLASSIC. i played this before i even played life is strange. so imo you don’t even need to be that familiar with the original game it’s based on.

ebon light - i watched this game come to life while i followed the author’s process and saw how much love and time was put into it and i just can’t not recommend it. a dark fantasy game w romance and politics

a mortician’s tale - very different. a game about death. i’m a big fan of the order of the good death, and i actually got this game for free at some point, but it made me feel. emotions.

contrition - this one is so good. put on head phones, turn out the lights. great use of sound and music and just really good atmosphere.

cowgirl boots - love love love this one. more of a narrative than IF but it’s short and you should read it anyways. makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

is it that deep, bro? - another one that stuck with me for a while.

what girls do in the dark - this one takes me back to the old school text adventure games, but with a twist. found this one through john wolfe’s HQ residential house game jam and really enjoyed it.

the shadows that run alongside our car - another short conversational story. stuck with me for a while after i played it.

a tale of crowns - a chapter by chapter tale where you are the long awaited crown. really enjoy this one, very refreshing to read fantasy written like this. love the setting and the characters

crosshollow - multiple games, sort of like an anthology, all sharing the same setting. surreal and emotional

heartforge - some of you may already be familiar with heartforge, having started in choicescript then moved to twine. multiple games, all very different, all very good

the eight years revolution - full transparency, i’m friends with this author and we talk frequently. set over a span of eight years, you are starting out as a sheltered and naive royal, a young monarch running from a rebellion...

wayfarer - a fantasy game where you play as a wayfarer, with lots of customization options and a very interesting story

love & friendship - another author i am friends with and talk with often. love the humor in this game and the take on the regency genre.

scout - one of my all time favorites. set in an apocalyptic future, you are a scout from a small community, frequently running missions for supplies and information..

there’s this girl - whew. a short one, but emotional. this creator has quite a few works on itch.io, though some of them tend to lean towards the heavy, emotional side. recommend though if that’s something you’re looking for.

emily is away - again, one of the first IF games i played. it’s been years but it’s one that stuck with me. i think it’s worth mentioning simply to show what IF games can be like

birdland - genuinely think this is the first IF game i ever played. i have a soft spot for it because of that, as well as the story itself, which meant a lot to me when i first read it.

whew! i am certain i am forgetting some games and will curse myself later, but this is getting to be a bit long. i really encourage yall to just click around on itch.io in the interactive fiction/visual novel tag and see if you can find something you like. there is SO much out there...

[the-composer]

thank you to everyone who replied to that post the other night. i don’t trust many of my social to talk about my personal life. it could be considered ironic that this is one of the areas but this is such a niche community that only the people i want to know me do. 

short version: my dad had a stroke, he ended up homeless, i lost track of him and he turned up at a clinic with several extreme issues and in dying condition. i’ve had to give consent to several things to be done but he won’t last. he doesn’t have the means to go anywhere or the brain; he’s just not there. so it’s basically just waiting out the days until i get a call to work out putting him in hospice, or a call that he passed in this temporary facility.

this happening to him was a blessing bc at least now i don’t have to wonder if he died out there, and the sooner he can pass the better since he’s terminal and probably hasn’t been in his right mind for years.

i got to experience all this over father’s day weekend and my own birthday is next sunday lmao life’s a funny mfer

i will continue to write here bc it’s cathartic but my muse will probably be very picky so if it only looks like i’m writing with 3 people it’s just bc that’s what i need right now (and joshua by extension as he’s impacted by me and vice versa).

things will revert back to normal when i have the peace of him passing.

i’ll get through this just fine bc i had expected this to happen one day. but thanks for being understanding and for my friends being mindful of my shaky and possibly flighty state right now. 

[pndnj]

Cathartic- Yellow Metal Lyrics

Heres where I am with the lyrics, I referenced @25Goldenn on twitter for some of it that I couldn’t comprehend. 

*music*

0:23

Dark matter, like painted splatters, they fit better, the old saying, the way it goes, better the devil you do then you don’t know. I hit pedals and switch levers, my heart metal, I can't settle, im part trouble, they are not subtle. I fuck good so fuck cuddles, burst bubbles the thrist levels at new heights, i down doubles, and got baked til I felt high, my face puzzled, felt muddled, far strung and your floors woodent, the thought might but the fit wouldn’t. A fortnight

0:46 - 1:00

And I thought right, it’s all bark and no bite, I’m Tony Stark still embarking on a dream, took a bit of time to take darkness from the team. Seen what I saw. Heartless on the sleeve. Tried to burn my wings, so I put them in a piece on my chest , at peace no rest.

1:00-1:15

Flipped this on it’s head. Rip the script up now, flip it don’t pretend, slipping shit again, Fakers all around me, I’ve been living in pretense. Fake friends won’t make amends. There’s no need, these mean comments control the scenes. Attentionseekers, the spine is weakened

1:15-1:24

This family needs, what a family needs, and the planet bleeds, the damaged trees. It’s never leaving til we ascend so fuck the fence, and until they stop killing colour it’s fuck the feds.

1:22 - 1:44

You must be off it, I mean it, you know you ain’t never get with the judging and I used to dread growing my beard too long, never felt I belonged, but it's really long like a minute I ain’t looking to no mans for the limits, They’re feeling timid, I’m telling them who they mimic, why they don't look like a clinic …. Why they don't get no women, Still, we’re just fucking girls, Lost in the wrong world, Jurassic, now to this vermin

1:41-  1: 50

Kicking the game I’m serving, these losers are never learning, my fire is forever burning, adding it to my fuel, seems like I’m always focused on never becoming you, These locals that rob us feeling … was for a reason.

1:52-2:02

I’m seeing my new beginnings, watch out this loser’s winning, and no water is too deep to swim in Like I’m about to see a killing, I’m all the way that and living, flawless and feeling lawless, the prison now to the gimmicks, my vision is set to something,

2:03-:2:20

I’m watching you bitches plummet, no matches here for my cunning, you rappers are feeling done in, switching your genre, running and Running your jaw, stunting, pulling at straws, something  I think you’re a poor effort, deaf and tone deaf and I ain’t treat you separate. Living, I’m in my element, riding it like a … never lose me to fentanyl, scared when I take a benadryl. Keeping it green in general

2:20- 2:46

Think that you remain irrelevant. Look at yourself with reverence, hoping to always elevate. Celibate of these thoughts, killing themselves with sedatives. In comparison to eminem, you’re feeling feminine. Impolitically correct, still dropping on my dick. And I never gave a fuck about what they say abt my shit, I’ve been moving things in my mind like it’s this mountain dew Memories have made me wonder if one day I’m after you. What’s the purpose that you do, is what you're hoping that they learn, i’d like to say i’m done but it’s getting up on my nerves

2:46 -2:55

I’m looking at my life, saying what do I deserve. It’s hard to say I know when I’m walking through the dirt. Talking while you’re nothing I can see for what it’s worth. I’m tired of feeling hurt and I’ve tried enough but nothing works.

2:55-3:40

I’m racking up excuses while I’m slacking off on work. Chit chatting is the usual, talking to this clerk, i beg you don’t include me. I might write it on my shirt so everytime they see me, the oldest know to swerve. SWERVE Life is potent, bits of fucked shit… till they took notice weren’t  no hocus pocus, it was hard work that got me heard so i put in the graph like google maps but the whole earth

… around my door mat, taking over like the drones, rolling dirt up in miles like the water, and exploding like Annas hematoma. Don't need to see a slammer to know that I don't want to go man

I’m a showman. I’m just focused on the drama… like i’ve got my own insurance, show myself the pain, like i boxed it in the frame, if we’re about to talk greatness im great, the way you have to say my name like beyonce

“Say my name”

4:00-4:46

Just a bum with a cigarette, sun coming up, all my thoughts on the internet. Feeling deep, I’m just bored with the silhouette single sec,  get fucked up for the thrill of it . killer streak playing Pacman. Like I came from the Philippines vanilla bean still a thing for the thrill of scene,

Theres a beam, UFO, Leave it well alone  I aint moving, stood still on the peloton, telephone and its always on the dial tone,  it's been a while since i’ve smiled at a milestone, seen a big pile in my mind stone, me against the world on my Jack Jones, Like I’m John Jones, With pictures in the condo, far from John Doe, in the ___, like I'm Johnny Bravo, got pravado, with a small dick sitting in golados, feeling far gone, cuz that last hit was the good shit, was that stay lit

4:48-5:02

You can never take my shit come and get me. On the top floor,  cloud 9, fading, never bailing, felt amazing, inhaling, til my lungs two guns blazing. Overcome all the stunts that I pulled. A suit of just skin and then wool

5:02- 5:17

This life doesn’t give you no armour, a lot of myself can harm ya. I swear on what’s good, that I’m here till they take me. I pray that I’m wrinkled, at least over 80, and start moving like a ruler, ?damaged? Like a computer going fast, bars from the jeweler, bring the songs to the beach in hopes of finding tuna

5:18-5:36

…

5:36- 6:16

Grab a bat, lose my rag. Couple things got me mad, a couple people got me wrong and now I’m changing up the swag. Coming in and stealing it, I might take the whole bag. Feeling undefeated, I’m a beast with a reason, and imma lead the whole pack. Fearless like I’m Caesar, I’m just waiting for a chance to fill it up with diesel, and all I've been achieving is clocking miles in its region, moving like a legion.

Promise that I made to myself an allegiance. Do you still believe I’m a fool for ever leaving, staring at the ceiling, can never put a cap on achieving. I’m just here for the rap, then I’m leaving.

I’ve had about enough of being my own enemy, it’s time I grew up,  a long way from 17. Always went against the grain, struggles in my life. Got some things to say when I stand up on a mike.

6:16-6:32

I ain’t dropping this for fame, I need this time, like therapy, it’s just to keep me sane. The truth is on my medicine, can’t put that on your plate.

Speeding into everything, bout time I fixed the brakes. Don’t say I can’t communicate , you know I conversate with you in several different ways. And I know you know it’s references, looking at your face.

6:33- 6:53

Can’t justify mistakes, like every man that made them, seems I ain't  the one to blame. Lying to myself, only had so much to gain, so now I’m switching up the plate, see if that affects the place, im at on most days

I ain’t going with the usual so they looking at me strange. Confused, I can feel it all,  I’m here to make a change. It’s cold at 3am outside, I’m walking with the dog, thanking god that you don’t talk at all, my mind is switching off

6:54-7:12

Driving down to find myself, cuz I’ve been getting lost, lived this selfless life and found I can give a toss. Lessons that I’ve learned I’ve tried teaching to myself. What I’ve learnt from certain people is that they’re better than myself.

So I surround myself with real ones, and you feel the plastic melt. Like burning toy soldiers that used to go up on the shelf. Recycle the ideas, conveying on the belt

7:14-7:29

.. circus, always hurting the way we felt? Embarrassed that we dreamt of bigger things and letting go of notions till we feel them in cement

Tired of only hoping, we feel broken men. Cuz the gravity is weight and has kept us to the ground, see the only people speaking with favors in their mouths

7:46-7:58

Got killer rhymes… no fillers, like godzilla, eating clouds cuz my smokes thicker, throat licker, my dope sicker, bringing people their hope like im the pope slicker,  i hope you’re getting the point cuz i walk quicker

I thought my city was shit bcs I want bigger like my zipper couldn’t zip up fed up with the…my love is fickle.. Residual age has a primitive face

I see demise for your limited ways, Left it to simmer, simmer away…a fake glimmer in the haze

8:09-8:11

Feeling trapped this industry is a cage

8:34-8:50

Nobody’s speaking the truth, I’m offended by the State. Look at the state of the news, I’ve decided the argument, reciting my views, while they’ve been sat in their chairs, I’m feeling pressure to choose.

Standing here as one man, how can I do half when you’re half the person I am. If it wasn’t in your life, you didn’t choose it. It’s the funny thing about music. It’s the pain and beauty of it.

8:52-9:11

Don’t give a fuck what my suit is, it looks good so I wear it, better than the shoot that People’s wearing, changing the whole narrative for these basics and scarcity

Been facing the racists from back when i were a kiddie .born up in in 93’. been living in Bradford City..kicked me out of the schools, they had a problem with me hitting the kids that would call me p*** still sitting in the classroom chilling, and i'm angry now that I’m older I see they treat us different

9:12-9:25

got me thinking I’m the problem cuz they never dealt with those issues.

20 years later I’m still in the same boat, tryna treat me like my grandpa, say I came up off the boat. Came to tell you what I stand for, man I think you’re shit, a joke. How can I be civil, when they got me by the throat

9:25-9:35

Pushing my feelings down, you ain’t got it like them

‘Boy your skin is so light’, ok motherfucker take my name up on a flight. Try to convince immigration that your bloodline’s half white.

9:35-9:45

I don’t know how that’s acceptable, when life is more susceptible to perception, be the death of them. I’ve been looking at the sky saying where’s that day of reckoning, you had your prophets right when they say that you would speak to them.

9:45-9:55

I need justice in this life and I trust that it’s my fight, cuz when I’m writing it feels right to have them focused on the facts again. Focused on the rap again, hoping for the change, gunna put this on the map again

9:55-10:16

Writing in all caps again, the pain, it goes through me so I write the letter. All the shit that could have brought me but made me better.

I’m at home with a pain in my soul , yeh rap… cuz you know I was too real to contest it, my time was invested. Now I look at the industry, I see it infested, looking like kids who would write on nesquik.

10:17-10:29

My name ain’t on the list unless they label it ethnic.

I ain’t never gave a fuck about these jokers and jesters. Ain’t no answers for these things, so just save us the questions, man allowed of violence, cuz my silence is deafening, your opinion stinks, somebody get him a breath mint.

10:30- 10:42

Start to understand why they think that I’m threatening, I move in certain ways, couldn’t slow me with ketamine Now they all wanna hear me, got a table at letterman. Direction changed, like I changed up the lettering. Don’t believe the age ,bcs I move like a veteran.

10:42 - 10:47

Raised on the benefit for whose benefit, they’ll never learn shit, man, if the shoe fits.

…no words coming out when you open your mouth

And to be honest, it’s insulting, offensive to my wounds that have been salting. Tryna ask me questions that they know I never answer. I’d rather sit online and reply to the fan art

11:00-11:06

Fuck a sports car, coming through when i rapped

tell you what I like, farm life and the tractor

11:06- 11:17

Fake life, 'sup online, suck a fat one. You don’t wanna buy into that, none of that son. Sitting in the garden 98’ in the Datsun,  seen some hot summers but I still remember that sun.

*music*

11:51- 12:34

I make millions off of my pain, cause I know a few millions still living that way

Dealing with the hurt, they should know cause they don’t deserve it, it hit deep cause i hit the nerve. Only way that the sheep learn if the street firm, in my ways I don’t wanna change, everything just stay the same

Who you tryna convince you understand, cant maintain, let the lights dim some,  get the Chow Mein, flex, get the tape, right up at night

Why these men be nice to my face, be nice,  i ain’t tryna be a gangsta ruins my vibe

Rather be low-key and on my phone. Never need the trophy or the show piece

Never show peace in a North Face fleece. Show kids this like i wrote my flip

Cause the sign might fit till the start i’m sick

12:37-13:05

Now you see where I come from, the world don’t. Only achievement in this life is the Jordans. Committing petty crimes out of boredom, we can’t afford them. So I stole it, need a rolex

Go make sense, get yourself a job, It’s a poor man’s game tryna sit and pray to god, he ain’t sorting out your problems, gotta sort them out yourself

Used to tell us fables, now I’m writing them myself, Cause we raw like animals we all just need some help

Cathartic, I’m an artist, trying to put my heart in

Felt double crossed like Leo in Departed

13:05- 13:27

For the knowledge i’m not charging see I got it all free

But my hunger kept me starving like i’m feening for the feed

I just Need a reason to see me bleeding for my creed. Trick you with the words like I keep em up my sleeve. Picking where I fit, I see me sitting with the queen

I ain’t doing it unless you’re used to saying please

Let me flow a bit, before I sting 'em with the bees, They tryna kill us with disease

(Music)

13:34- 14:12

Why does it feel like they had the same notebook and the same four looks

Like the rain won't touch on their face, so sus when they lie don’t trust not a minor

Please no fuss, I just move through the game like must

Something in the way i adjust till i stick, Free falling like the ship, free fall till i bust

Remember 21 brother gave no fucks. Trying to project when they give them looks

In the projects, in the objects us

In my own way, never gave me love, shoulda never started this, broken hearted kid

Dried up the feeling till I stole the lid

Don’t wanna relish in the fame but I can’t resist

14:46-14:58

I like the way we feel, I like the way, I like the way

Ain’t no mistake, i am a being

I ain’t tryna be a leader, been selling out since Jesus

All my rhymes are for the readers, between the lines, like Father time, I fuck Mother Nature

14:58-15:40

That’s what they get, the connotations. Tell 'em I lived a life, and then I lived a life of adjacent? like its…. and played it patient.

Alone on my own spaceship, always tryna find greatness, still defying lines, but I’m fighting in my prime.

Shining light like Kylo while imma kill it all the time. Aging like I’m wine

Asian in my face, but still my race you can’t define. Focused on defiance, imma fight it while it’s life.

Started something sick and on my mind is what’s next, just became a dad so now I’m taking all the cheques. Better know I’m staying and paying like it’s debt. Imma get it done, if it’s taking all my breath, sweat, and down I ain’t messing around til I’m the best

Speaking in full sentences, shoulda thought about a strategy before you went at the stratosphere about this… rings around Saturn, this ain’t a battle, I’m sat, I’m here

15:40-16:22

Catch me doing magic, hired and sounding tragic I think you could use practice and until that you get the blacklist and pull like a … actress? Fooling them like a catfish, schooling like a legend, happy to be the reference, fusing like iridescence, leaving them all guessing, leaking out of my brain like a pipe I aint fixing, shining like a star you can see it from a distance

Aint many of me around p*** I’m just different Certain stages to this level aint here because fame is to the devil fuck a label, imma do this from the ghetto, clean up like Im Dettol

I’m the man to put a bet on, sight smart like a weapon,  this is my kind of setting, i write the world I’m sat in, while these others live on hype, i see them fight in how they type, the fruit is ripe for the taking, i think i might

16:22-16:57

Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here

16:58- 17:47

Eccentric things are mentioned like a kid stuck in detention tryna escape im just spitting what is written on the next page, spitting image of my dad in his young days

Born sinner when i’m livid i say fucks sake

Don’t worry i’m too cunning with no plumbing, the waterworks, i sung something that resonates, i thought it first like giving birth to the parrot perch

They see me do it and they know it works

Don’t know what’s worse: the way that you live your life or the way that you write a verse

You’ll be nervous, you don’t deserve it we’ll scratch the surface ill leave a crater, lift the dirt up to find the hurting

Can’t know for certain nothing is guaranteed, tryna be a better person than the world deserves to see cuz i see a lot of sharks still swimming in the sea

Cease and arrest what’s the reason.. And these the kinda kids we bringing up next

Distorted reality, all they needed was family, too hard to face, to see what the damage is

17:47

*i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, no, i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, *

18:04-18:38

Sometimes they ask the questions too deep to form a sentence, to disform, is this the norm, is this the sentence i feel defenseless i played the setlist, and all my sweat blood and tears, forgot to mention feeling lost, going off into different sections i feel like love wrecked it

If it’s not a drug why am i waiting for the next fix, affected, i cant believe that you left this

I guess I leave for the best wish, moving on like im fine for the lectures

We see it all from spectrums, cuz if we’re falling down we can fall down together

Staircase to heaven, mirror down the middle like 11, resentment on one side it won’t settle

18:38- 19:14

Mind fried but taking sense, they aint got a sense of themselves in the rich ends

Need to spell it out for them.. Made for them so witness

I know you feel afflicted but you always love it with me while im laughing at you, ya think you’re laughing with me

I try to (i love you) but im grown so they don’t fit me, my body thrown from the new to this old city so Im sick of sitting on my own, feeling so shitty, i’ve been on roads where its cold and the snow hitting

Its okay to be yourself, sit and talking to myself

I’ve been walking for the longest, just need a little rest, know i ain’t the strongest, I can feel it in my chest, talking about my feelings and of me, they get the best

19:14-19:59

They aint leaving, seeing breathing in my breath

Till death do us part is just seeded in my heart, like a work of art

Never winning,im just scared

Cant begin from the start, do i play a part in the rhythm of the night

I guess i’m onto something cuz the dark is feeling right

Every cloud got a lining, put my own miles  in, like moralis, figured that they’re jealous, that they could just never tell us to change because the weather never made me question whether or not i’m not that level

Got rid of all the bullshit sitting in my way, most of them are full of shit i see it every day

I do hearing the same things that i do, maybe that shits hitting like haiku

How much do you pay for them to hype you

Recycle your flaws but they aint like new, leaving and conceded and full of diesel like engines that need a cleaning, the ending will be revealing. Even though we ain’t raising the facts, now we been facing.

20:01-20:52

The cactus with spikes, needing spaces. Different faces, the same story. A full body like straight body direct to your system.

Could never tell 'em we missed’ em. Not even with the thoughts, we gift them. Cuz they just take advantage, guess we are caught in a system.

My soul pouring out details of borrowed time, had enough of a fill, this is for sorrow time. I’m seeing visions of Heaven, I seen the severed line, between the gospel they speak and when theyre telling lies.

Remember telling a friend of mine, you’d sent of mine, identified like a 3rd eye. Got a habit of knowing now where the dirt lies. So benign. I ain’t sober after 9, so I fuck their minds. Why you flipping out, see another

Try to rep it from the city, fuck a chiller crew, repping for the nittys, trying to keep us down, raised on the social, don’t want to let us out of the system. Me, I insist we assist them, me alone putting shifts til I lift them

20:53-21:12

I know it’s hard, that’s why I like it, I’m fit to fight it, I’m from the North, I’m backing Tyson, it’s been decided, don’t see no light. They needing guiding, just redefining, realizing, I’m realigning, in full finance, they stay silenced.

Can’t be louder, I’m juiced up with no powder. I fix shit like a slick spanner. Gone green like Bruce Banner. So free Gaza on my banner

21:12-21:51

The real McCoy, I ain’t nothing to toy with, signifying peace like a Japanese Koi Fish. How did this happen, we’re moving backwards in our timeline, killing us with cyanide, Right up for the freedom 'til we transform like Ironhide

This is bout my feelings, the way that I move affects the fate that I’m sealing. Can’t say nothing, with that something being on the page, kept inside the pen like the bars that have been kept caged. See I always had a plan, since I was young, we had nothing man

Now it’s been a few years since I ain’t seen the fam, on foreign lands. Bout to climb Everest in the avalanche. Right into the riddles as soon as you were born. Never asking the question cuz it’s the norm. See I’m in a questionin’ session

21:52-22:03

Like the manner got a method to teaching a lesson, listen to MF Doom, he taught me like Ra’s Al Ghul. Felt like living in Gotham, the people were rotten. Still we play cartoons so it’s never forgotten.

22:03-22:15

Chilling at the top but we came from the bottom. Writing and jottin for them life by, spotting the difference

*Dreams, was growing out of me, sun promising that tomorrow it will rise, time playing games with my mind, I swear it will pass us by

Train goes on the tracks, smoke, I’m tired to hide my thoughts, so blinded in flames, Don’t know where we’re going, I have no way of knowing, only see what’s in my head

Can’t we wait a minute, so we can savour this, It’s on my brain again, these days, It on my brain again these days”

23:10-23:46

They’re hating on Palestine ways, The oh no Palace playing Prince on the Steinway, Sending out mind waves, stop them like crimewaves, Freedom fighter, Yellow Metal is my name

Like vipers, I see the sly ones, the snake that’s called Biden, none of them abiding what they might put in writing

We should be used to it by now, say whatever for the vote and then just choose another route, say they’d never kill another unless that brother’s skin is brown

I’m just telling you the facts, if you can’t take it, the truth naked, to bare bones and my thoughts lately, spitting politics.. Done ain’t it, Shit just gets me vexed, and now I’m sitting that I think of it

23:45-23:59

Feeling on the brink of it, whatever it is, Figure out some shit at least it feels that way

talk about my feelings and I don’t feel so strange, finding solace, that’s a promise, in Metropolis but being honest, can’t write a sonnet, without some pain

24:00-24:40

Can’t fade away, away so we can savour this, been on my brain again these days

Can't find a way to be so you can savour this, been on my brain these days

Singing the song for another, singing a song for another