#and now i only have two years left
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So I just decided to render the speedpaint videos for this month's Patreon rewards and instead VLC corrupted all my files when I tried to convert them from mkv to mp4 and it overwrote the originals so now I have nothing, lost all the process of the two illustrations I had done and it's almost the end of the month and I have to paint and record the process of two new illustration in a couple of days before I have to leave on a trip 🙃
#nips blogs#personal#I want to put my head in a blender#apparently there is no way to recover them#the files I'm left with are like 150b each so there is no video data in them anymore and it even fucked up the extensions#I didn't even have the program set to overwrite originals while converting..it just did that on it's own for some reason#I'm not sure I can even make it in time at this point#I haven't missed a Patreon deadline in my life and I've been doing it for 8 years I want to dieeeeee#now they are all either .sfk.mp4 or .mp4.sfk like why two extensions per file and why are they even sfk when that's audio only aaauguhh
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You know what I really love that should be explored in even more Merlin fanfics?
Immortal Leon. Like, you've just got Merlin over there sulking about while he waits for Arthur to return. Then there's just Leon, living his best immortal life, doing the most randomest shit known to mankind
#bonus points if merlin and leon are like fully bonded over the fact that they are the only two people left from their time#i want in depth nostalgic conversations between them over the return of arthur... while cooking some food in an airfryer or something#or EVEN BETTER- leon has learned a bunch of skills over the years and while merlin sticks to himself you have leon having famous careers#like they meet up for their like annual get together or whatever and then leon's just like#“oh yeah i got bored of being a world renowned painter so now i'm just going to go and write some socially critical novel”#basically what i'm saying is i want a fic where arthur comes back and merlin is frantically rushing around and he calls up leon#and leon answers like “hey merlin so glad to hear from you but can this call wait i'm about to perform at my world tour concert”#bbc merlin#immortal leon#sir leon#merlin#arthur pendragon
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realized a drawing i'm doing rn is almost identically posed to one i did 8.5 years ago of a different oc, except the old drawing was instantly tainted by one of the players featured messaging me asking if i could take it down because their abusive, possessive rp partner saw it and got jealous of them "roleplaying behind their back" and i said "nah" and it became a whole Thing that i should have walked away from at that exact moment but didn't and the 6 months that followed contained some of the most truly condensed batshit i have ever witnessed in an rp community already well-known for its batshittery.
... anyway i love my friends. so happy to accidentally redeem the pose.
#idk if ill ever open up completely about that shitshow but#i think 8 years is past the statute of limitations to vaguepost about it#late tag addition but man now i'm thinking about it all at 4am#how did in the good goddamn did i witness that and still not only let them make me an officer#but also let them put me functionally in charge of their guild IC#while those two fucked off and erped in instanced zones or played overwatch#and i and my then-rp-partner took the heat for the meandering plotline#until my partner vented to the wrong person about the abuse#and it got back to them#and we got to experience the surreality of an honest to god guild coup#all to salvage the image of some egomaniac abuser#certified fucking wra moment#its been 8 years and thinking about how i was treated in the end makes me feel sick lol#they made a new guild discord and invited everyone but us#and when i noticed the channel had gone quiet i asked what was up#and was met with gaslighting about how i'm 'thinking too much' about the channel being a 'little slow'#and it took pushing to get an early admission of what was about to happen#so we logged on and quit ourselves#which fucked up the narrative they had constructed#and they lied in the new channel that WE were the ones doing a 'coup' and that we stole the members who left with us#i guess i am opening up after all#i had to play the fucking villain of that scenario for the past 8 years#all to protect the mental health of people who hurt me#why#if you were there and know what i'm referencing with all of this... there's the fucking story#the person in question is a massively popular artist#i just dont have it in me to fight that fight
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what if i put my life in your hands?
what if i took your life in mine?
#okay look there's a reason i've been obsessed with this scene for 21 slutty slutty years#imagine for a second you're yue#your master—whom you loved more than your own existence—decided his work was finished and didn't need you anymore#and he pushed you into the dark where you slept for centuries until a little girl woke you up by sheer dumb luck#you now are trapped in this horrible new era where everything is too loud and too fast and too bright#you're also trapped in a body that isn't yours jockeying for room with a completely separate soul that you don't know or particularly like#and you're draining your meager stores of magic to the dregs in order to keep the two of you alive#under the surface of tsukishiro yukito you're drowning—and the both of you are fading away entirely#and then this boy#pulls you to the surface of yourself#and says with his whole heart 'i won't let you disappear'#he smiles at you and teases you and then pours his not inconsiderable power into you#and you take and you take and you take and he never says stop#he never says only a little but no more#he holds you close and lets you sup on the very marrow of his magic until there's nothing left and he's simply an ordinary human#and for the first time in centuries—perhaps ever—you feel full#when you finally step away and ease his unconscious body onto the bed as gently as you can manage#you murmur that you ought to thank him#but it's such an inadequate way to convey your gratitude#how do you give thanks for what you've made him lose?#you put your life in his hands and he cradled it as if it were precious... and then he gave you his own in return#in the world before this one you would have been as good as wed#you thumb the swell of his cheek and allow yourself one last look at your would-be husband#and then turn around to face the threat behind the door#as it creaks open to reveal a little body wracked with sobs you think you would face anything that would dare come for him or his sister#not because it is your duty as the guardian of the cards#but because you love them#touya/yue#ccs#yue
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Gets bored. Posts old tugger design. You know how it is
#genuinely these are months old it’s been so long since I’ve attempted the him#I should really try again bc uhhh#eh#lil shitty#the first two were from when I was innnnnnn#buddddaaaaaaaamüchen?#I genuinely forgor#it must have been müchen#or maybe it was Switzerland#bro who knows I did a ton of sketching in Europe#n yes that is razzle (margo-mania’s oc) off to the left#he was gonna be a joint piece with tugger but I chickened out bc I couldn’t figure out how to paint tugger 💔#Aurora aksnes PLEASE save me 🙏🙏🙏🙏#take me away from this wretched place where the ground runs with the words of the dictators#this doesn’t even look like tugger ngl#whatever. what even ever!!!!! you only live once and I only got 2 more years#if not now then when#cats the musical#cats musical#the rum tum tugger#rum tum tugger#sorah’s silly scribbles
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do you ever just sit there thinking about your favorite ocs while violently shaking. god. clenches fist. They're So.
#every time a song from their Joint Playlist comes on i go fucking feral#the betrayal the refusal to Let Go the haunting the persisting love the renunciation the resentment the abandonment the resignation#the overwhelming desire to do good vs the fear of admitting you were wrong vs the two people you love most tearing each other apart#AGHHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK IM SUDDENLY DEEP IN THE ORIGINAL SAUCE#five seconds i was Normal. scribbling welcome home#then One Of The Songs Came On and now im losing my fucking marbles#perceived betrayals leading to real betrayals....#going too far and now its too late you're Committed you cant go back#he came to you thinking he could make you understand and you could work together to make things Better#and instead you ripped his heart out and left it bleeding on the floor for everyone to see#THEY MAKE ME MORE INSANE THAN LITERALLY ANYTHING#absolutely unprompted#the oc Unwellness comes and goes in waves but its the only true constant obsession with my life#god those three... my dearest darling Trio.... how old are they turning this year?#is it year eight of having them? year nine?#one of the two is for sure how long ive had My Specialest Boy Light Of My Life The Reason I Am Still Alive#the other two came after... maybe only mere months after but he was the first and he is just. i love him so fucking much#he is so so personal to me. he has a permanent place carved out in my chest#he sleeps on my ribs <3#the other day i was reminiscing about his development over the years. his changes his different Versions#and fuck... he's really changed with me huh??#his past selves are echoes of my own self over the years#like he is Very different from me but at the same time. i created him with little pieces of myself sewn in#we hold the same views the same beliefs. im not him and hes not me but we're Kindred yk yk#i think i need to go listen to his playlist.... how long is it now... let me check... 15 hours 13 mins... 228 songs...#my gay 5'2 powerhouse of a guy. him <3#maybe 'them' too he's played fast and loose with gender over the years. holy shit wait#his development echoes mine... i characterized him as 'fucks with gender norms' long before i realized my own gender fuckery#god damn. i love him even more now. i didnt think that was possible. im going to cry. hes so important to me#he has been with me through my worst years... and will be with me through all the hard times to come <3
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Gear 5 luffy's laugh is so contagious I just hear the drums and go insane how does this work. What did he do to me
#i still cant believe how much this new opening theme goes off.... DREAM SAVE ALL OF US 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH 💥💥💥💥💥💥#wait a second. the robot attacked 200 years ago. the void century was 800 years ago no????? what#oh see it was made 900 years ago.... but why did it attack 200 years ago then.... what happened#it is still so funny how they made evegapunk einstein but with some cunty long legs#200 years ago they gave rights to the gyojin!!! i see i see ✍️✍️also i still wonder why law and kuma have similar hat and pants designs#like there is NO WAY that much similarity isnt done on purpose. NO FUCKING WAY!!! I NEED ANSWERS!!!#are they annihliating cp ships akdhakskd yeah vegapunk letsgo#also the opening song is about dreams and the end one is about luffy reaching shanks...... havent got a clue why but there it is#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1098#also is lucci named lucci bc it kinda sounds like luffy. SERAPHIM KUMA HAS HIS DEVIL FRUIT???? vegapunk could only make zoan fruits????#also wdym when cp0 acts it means its some historic event. lucci is like 25. where are the experienced people here#sentomaru works for vegapunk??? maybe i forgor about this tbh also do theu have a doffy seraphim??? the fact they have animal names....#stussy letting kaku get hurt akdhsjsn oh atlas has lamb ears..... and lucci said she is is prey... no..... the foresahdowing :(#lucci you fucked up she just gave luffy food... that a death sentence look what happened to kaido#episode 1099#<- oh my god btw. god. jesus.#why is akainu telling the cp0 what to do or thinks he can do that... thats the world gov... also thinkng about how garp should fight him#and not luffy.... because of ace you know... i still wonder how did sengoku know who ace's father was... there is only one man who knew....#everyone trying to stop them from fighting ajdhsksjks two rabid dogs fr#LUFFY TAKING OFF HIS JACKET WHEN LUCCI ASKS FOR HIS WANTED SIGN!!!! GO OFF KING!!!! SLAY!!! THE CREW SAW HIM!!! FINALLY!!!#i have been smiling since he started the transformation this is so sick...... i have got a case of the luffy brain#zoan fruits steal the personality of the user when they awaken ✍️✍️ luffy???? nami being the only one who saw gear 5 <3 twins manifesto#robin being so shook about luffy being a god ajdbjansk wdym devil fruits exist because people wish for them. fairy magic real????#WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY ARE FROM ALTERNATE REALITIES WHERE SOMEONE DREAMT ABOUT THEM??? DOES HE TRAVEL THRU REALITIES FOR THEM???#jinbe has been making this face 😧 every episode three times it is amazing ajdhaksnsk poor man... now he sees a kid angel version of himself#after seeing hia captain turn into a god... he is gonna get a stroke OMG SENTOMARU WE JUST GOT YOU BACK#episode 1100#<- CRAZY. INSANE. OH GOD. ONLY 12 LEFT. THATS A WEEKEND!!! I CANT DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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i hope christopher's complicated feelings about shannon continue to come up rather than the letter magically solving everything.
#the thing is—shannon *did* leave. she cut off contact for two years.#that is still a thing that happened no matter the nuance behind her actions. she left and christopher remembers that.#and i'm sure eddie tried to explain it to him and make excuses but chris was a smart kid.#he would've seen right through it then and he definitely sees through it now as a teen.#he's old enough that he's not gonna be able to see his mom as this infallible being but rather as a human who fucked up.#and he's gonna have mixed feelings about it. and while the letter definitely helped him it's only one step.#it shouldn't and it can't fix everything. it still doesn't change a lot of things and he's gonna realize that. idk.#i hope they let him feel the complexity of the situation.#neethu speaks
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Mmph.
It’s been a while and I didn’t realize I would still be excessively annoyed/affected by people with negative things to say about my OTP, but I am, I guess.
If it helps to add context, these comments were on a post where an account had reposted (without permission) some sweet gift art of the ship made especially for me, so I may be inclined to take it more personally for that reason. >__>
#I wish big accounts who repost art without permission a very Stop Fucking Doing That#I extra hate it in this case ;; my friendship with the artist is founded on mutual love for one of the charas depicted (Belaf)#she drew my OTP as a super sweet thankyou gift (the full version that isn’t online and was only sent to me has my name and a rat on it ;; )#and now I have to see people reply to it misunderstanding the characters and disliking the ship#i know I shouldn’t care but I’m feeling a little low this weekend so I am affected lol#hopefully I’ll stop caring tmrw#I really want to focus on the joy they bring me instead but I’m feeling a little sensitive#there’s lovely art of them I’ve received this summer as a gift and as a commission and I want to print those pieces out for my bare walls#I’ve received several gifts of them over the last two years. all should go on my wall! need to focus on the good#it just feels so personal and mean when ship criticism is left as a reply to art that was literally drawn for me by my friend as a gift lol#orphan hole tag
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This is your sign to get back into playing that video game that you love but put down a long time ago and never picked back up again for no discernable reason
#started playing breath of the wild again a week or so ago after a youtube video about why we put down games showed up in my recommended#i can link the video for anyone who wants it but the most helpful advice in it for me was to just. try playing it for two minutes#if all your fears were right and you cant get back into it then you can put it right back down after the time is up#but if youre enoying yourself then you can keep playing#a big part of my fear was that i wouldnt be able to handle the combat anymore after going like a good couple years without playing it#bc one of the biggest things i love about botw is that for the most part. link doesnt level up#theres no attack and defense stats that level up as you earn experience and make him mechanically better at fighting#for the most part its YOU the player leveling up your fighting skills with practice#...but that also meant that after so long away from the game i was scared that i would have lost all my skill at it#and the learning curve would be too great this late in the game (literally the ONLY main storyline thing left for me to do is fight ganon)#but i played for two minutes and i remembered how much i loved the game. like firsthand not just vague recollection#so ive been running around doing side quests and exploring and now it doesnt feel like im stalling the final battle anymore#it feels like im just intentionally taking time to fully experience the game#and after getting combat practice in again with my exploration im finding out that my fears were wrong!#if anything im even BETTER at combat now than i was when i put the game down#back then i was still terrified of facing lynels and walking guardians#but now im taking them down before they can even get one hit in on me!#im so proud of myself and im having so much fun#so. for anyone else out there. this is your sign to do the same#rambling#maybe once i finish breath of the wild i can even finally start on tears of the kingdom 🙏
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andromeda and narcissa trying to reconnect after the second wizarding war.......
#the black sisters#andromeda black#narcissa black#thinking about them always and forever#sooooo many complicated emotions going on in that quiet room#just them sitting over tea and trying to find a place to start bc where do you start?? after all those years and everything thats happened#and the fact that there always used to be three of them. and now they're the only two left and they only have each other!!!#and bella is the elephant in the room bc its grief and anger and AAAAAAA they drive me insane!!! insane i tell you!!!#this has been swimming around in my head all day like a blind goldfish continually knocking against the edges of the tank#but like. if that goldfish makes you want to cry/die#kara’s moodboards
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We rlly don’t need another majima game 😭 please give other characters a chance he already had the spotlight in 0😔
lord if i speak on goro majima.
#snap chats#my last nerve was seeing him front and center on that Three Legends shirt with daigo and saejima im SICK OF HIM#what do you MEAN the Sixth Chairman is backseating majima. like thats his retainer PUT DAIGO UP FRONT#it aint even bias its gen just like. why is the sixth chairman not treated the most important. thats The Chairman of the whole shit#EX chairman whatever we know what i mean#'snap its just a shirt' and these are just my balls alright its all the little things that are like Dawg Cmon#i woulda got the shirt cause it looks like somethign youd get from claires and thats hilarious However ... im annoying.#ill say this then play y0 and be like Ah..... i love you...#fr tho im sick of him GO AWAY YOU ARE NOT THAT GUY#im that meme of spiderman holding back the train and the trains saying mean things about majima#this ire is only brought by rggtwt mates insisting majima needs any more content. like at all.#they gave majima a y0 statue but as far as i can see kiryu doesnt have one like What.#ik i say id skip y0 kiryu if i could during replays and its never that serious but still .... the hell...#my brother in christ majima does not need any more why are you acting starved#i get it hes your fave but my god. goku this trains heavier than i thought i cant do it#ive had beef with rggtwt ever since they tried to say majima was more important to kiryu than haruka. like brb eating a cactus#rgg making gaiden was the worst thing they couldve done cause now everyone wont stop mentioning charas getting a gaiden game#MAJIMA OF ALL OF THEM DOES NOT NEED ONE MFER THATS WHAT Y0 WAS FOR. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT#THEY GAVE HIM AN EXTRA STORY IN YK2 ALSO LIKE RGG IS DOING THE MOST FOR A SIDE CHARACTER#anyway this is why im happy saejima and akiyama are getting figures. ESPECIALLY AKIYAMA#I FEEL LIKE WE NEVER SEE SHIT OF THAT GUY and saejima. tbh. but still ... akiyama esp just feels left out#big hope other charas start to get more love. like my daughter haruka ok rgg plesae drop one of her idol statues thank you#on a lighter note september is almost upon us which means two things#1.) i have to move back to school at the end of the month 2.) rgg news is soon .....#SOOO curious as to what's on the horizon .. maybe ill stream it for the first time in nine thousand years#ok bye im gonna eat cereal <- diced spam and rice
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#oc txt.#c: hattie#c: mary ellen#hattie being able to make it back to her own vault just in time to be with her mom in her final moments is 🤕#she’s not the overconfident self assured put together person she was when she left however long ago it was#and her mother isn’t the hyper independent stoic emotionally constipated woman that didn’t even hug her before she left#her mother really did believe that this colony that had supposedly been growing since she was a girl WAS her kids’ only hope at a future#they knew for years that the vault was running out of supplies and falling apart#she was getting older and really didn’t think a future above ground was for her or her husband or the other adults that had grown up there#it was for their kids.#bc the vault wasn’t going to be able to sustain them for much longer#it’s why she pushed her kids so hard and pushed them away even harder#bc it made sending them into that world ‘easier’#she wouldn’t miss them as much and they wouldn’t miss her#sending her twins up there (her first borns) years prior was HELL#and she dreaded the day hattie was old enough to be thrust out there and even debated whether or not she’d even go through with it#so seeing her now … especially in the state hattie is in when she returns#she feels guilty but at the same time proud? because despite it she knows hattie had and HAS what it takes to survive up there#and seeing tj??? she doesn’t know if the twins made it to the colony or whether the colony was even real operating ect ect#so she’d never get to see them with her grandkids if they had any#she at least gets a slice of what could have been if things were different#it’s good that hattie gets to tell her truth of everything#it’s good that hattie gets to reconcile and be the last thing she sees before she passes#it’s all mary ellen ever wanted … to see her girls again#and in her mind if hattie made it … then she knows the other two did too#and i think for hattie she was just on the cusp of giving up and throwing in the towel#but she’s got people relying on her and she’s not a quitter … was never allowed to be#and i think by now she’d be searching for them less for herself and more for her parents#the least she can do is find out if their sacrifices (and the sacrifices of everyone else) were warranted
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damn it feels so good to actually have friends who i feel safe around. like to have friends who im not worried that if they find out that i like "cringe" things they wont judge me. woah!!
@angry-avaocardo @silly1xxx @gollyimsosoevil
#appreciation post for my besties✨✨#also the tags got reallylong and rambly just me complainign about the ex friend and a quick update so feell free not to read them if you#dont wanna#theres nothing of substance in there lol#ugh god my old friend the one i made the really long post about asking for advice#i probably mentioned this but i never felt safe to talk about things i like with them#oh god i would never be able to show them defrag#and i probably wouldnt even be willing to ramble about like. the arg or smth to them#id be too worried of them making fun of me#but also they had a way of making it so i hung out with them the most even tho i didnt want to#“me and friend are going to the canteen you two wanna come?”#“[with none of my input] no me and Charlie are staying here”#the only person i felt safe talking about my interests to was a friend that i made when trying to move away frrom the toxic one#a friend who they would consistently ask if i was replacing them with and was so fucking jealous of him#in fact that friend is gollyimsoevil yea that guy#hes great he likes gay addison shit so yk bestie#also they were so good at guilt tripping that now i use their guilt tripping tactics on myself to try and get myself to do things lol#and they would make fun of me so often but GOD FORBID I MAKE FUN OF THEM#they were making fun of me to another person a few /years/ ago so i made some snarky comment about them#because i was really upset by them making fun of me#and they brought it up to me like 2 months ago before we cut them off#like dude you mock and make fun of everything i do so much that ive just stopped talking and completely zoned out whenever im around you#and youre holding some snarky remark that i made when we were like 11 /because you were making fun of me/#UGH#oh ye update on that if anyone cares it went fine they seem to have moved on and are just hanging out with different people now#they havent made any attempt to contact any of us but also havent cut us off#i havent cut them off either ive just left it#i catch them giving me and the other two friends who used to be friends with them dirty looks#but i kinda just ignore it#i have like 5 friends my age who are much much much nicer than them
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wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.
#friday chats#friday vs post-secondary school#tw vent#(in the following tags)#i am immeasurably stressed right now#i need to talk to my doctor about getting a booster to go along w/my adhd meds#bc this has been a problem for a while but i think it's about to come to a head#and i'm very scared for when that happens#maybe also talk to my school's disability services#bc Good Fucking God i'm already overwhelmed#it's 11:56. should i just go to bed? i have so many things left to do#when do i even have the time to go to disability services. and i've heard a lot of schools' processes w/that are slow and overcomplicated#fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.#i think i'm spiraling#i'm worried that if i don't get a degree i won't be able to find a nice enough job to support myself independent of my family#and i don't want to be stuck with them forever#i really really don't#maybe i can talk to disability services sometime tomorrow morning. see what they can do#i think there's mental health services too. i hope they're decent#i just feel really bad right now. and it's only week one.#it feels like time's moving too fast but too slow at the same time#classes take forever but my free time zips by and runs out way too quick#and when it's gone i've completed maybe one or two things. out of several. if any at all.#i just don't know what to do. it's only been three days.#maybe i can drop a class; i think i'm taking enough to still be considered a full-time student with one less thing on my plate#i hope so#fucking damn it#how do people do this??? for multiple years????#and i feel selfish for saying this but i hope if y'all see this post you'll interact with it somehow. even just a like.#i want to know someone hears me
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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