#and now i just feel like shit and cant bring myself to draw right now because its not making me money

[mediasploshion]

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[nadianova]

How much time do you spend planning some of your visual novels? At least going by some of them being jam submissions, it feels like you go from pre-production to a finished build very quickly, and it's amazing how you can manage that while still having an awesome story and so many assets.

Also, what is like, the process of planning a story out for you, if there's any vague or concrete similarities that you've noticed?

i think the important context here is that if i get bored/have nothing to do i jhust immediately get really suicidal its like ridiculous how bad it gets(ITS FINE DONT WORRY ABOUT IT IVE HAD 5 YEARS OF THERAPY). so i hate being bored and want to occupy my time wit something fun whatever that is. if i have a project to focus on but especially if I'm working for a game jam i have a deadline and i just decide to myself okay i will release a game now.

because ive made a decent amount of games i roughly have an idea on my capabilities, i can estimate how long it takes for me to write a story so and so long and how long it takes for me to draw stuff i need and how long it takes for me to throw stuff in renpy. these are estimates like as in I'm not accurate with it but still enough that i generally know where to start cutting ideas since the most important part is just having something to submit. i also know to plan around my brain wanting to slam my head into a wall an my hands suddenly giving up on being able to draw.

i think thats the beauty of game jams it forces you to just go for it and release something. releasing a 'bad' game is better than no game at all. experience only comes over time and i think just going for it is the best approach there is. like its literally 2 weeks 1 month whatever of your life. if you have the time and motivation go for it. make it work or fuck it up it wont matter in the grand scheme of things

im not sure what is the motivation behind the question but i do want to point out that this is just my method (if you can even call it a method) and the only way to figure out what works for you is to just try until you find something that actually works for you

idk not everyone will find it doable/fun to plan around spending two weeks gamedev 10 hours a day just cause i wanted to fit in 100 cgs for a jam game but apparently i can do that when i cheat my stupid adhd brain into hyperfocus with adhd meds

READMORE BECAUSE I CANT STOP RAMBLING

as for planning tho i think ideas on their own are worthless and its always about execution in the end. a great idea or a meh idea are the same for me but i do still enjoy the planning process so i keep notes

like i see a great tumblr post or i see some art or visual novel has some scene that inspires me: i save that shit for myself

having a big collection of random floating ideas like that helps me easily pick from especially during a jam type duration. right now i have like 4-5 half-baked project skeletons, some are literally like 3 pictures and some like naomida are a hundred hours worth of me writing world building about how the toilets work in a city with no plumbing cause its -30celcius(i love bringing this up)=

i dont normally plan that much, i tend to just wing it. like for malmaid i seriously just had some rough ideas and just went along as i wrote

same thing for dddeviance i had a handful of scenes that i really wanted to make and knew what kind of start and end it was meant to have and just figured out how to fill the in between. a lot of plot points changed vastly like halfway through i realised my devil + angel combination was stupid and i should just go for fallen angel + angel.

i think there really is no simple answer tho (as evident from the long as hell post) i don't really have a 'process' because every single game has been worked on has come with different type of planning since I'm always trying new stuff to try and distract me from boredom. like I've been using obsidian for naomida while previously I've just used a empty discord serve as my notes app for malmaid and dddeviance

and tbh with naomida I'm running to a new problem where I'm definitely planning too much. like I'm spending too much time fidgeting with details in chapter 4 even when i haven't finished writing chapter 1 just cause its so easy to get in the loop of "oh ill just change this one line" and boom 20 mins spent playing with my notes that didn't really progress my game since by the time i reach this point the whole scene might have shifted to something else

.

but if i had to squeeze an answer itd be something like everything related to my art or writing or games is just like "oooooo that seems fun i should remember this for later" and then i just string 10-100 of those into a story

i tend to write my stories in a format of

character A does this and that

this happens here

puppy play ryona piss orgasm

new day and then this happens here

sad thing happens

more piss orgasm

the end

and just like start filling in more details and working on my story in a nonlinear fashion until i feel like i have a strong enough skeleton that i can start writing my scenes. i hop around a lot, often preferring to write the fun scenes first like ero stuff or the ones I'm the most interested in and then the rest is just filling the blanks and stringing the cool scenes together

[kroosluvr]

sorry i feel bad for ranting on """Main"" i guess though i kinda keep this more of apersonal blog than a very polished art blog thing. under the cut

things wld be easier if i was just an oc-centric artist (which i kinda am but only to myself in my head) but it Is how it is at this point (i want to draw my ocs more but they never turn out the way i want) and theres just so much i want to draw for the silly little media franchises that happen to capture my stupid little heart and etc.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh ifeel stupid for loving too much or whatever. i dont want to throw a pity party over this either because in the end its just "who cares LOVE WHAT U LOVE DRAW WHAT U WANT" right but in the moment i feel stupid and it sucks and i hate it actually!!!!!!! and i WILL in fact keep drawing hwat i want and what makes me happy but like idkidkdidkgkhw

sometimes i cant help thinking if i was a better artist.,, like more artistically skilled........ would people really say the things they do about the things i draw

^ (Authors note: no one has been mean about the stuff i draw just. side comments i guess lol. from my friends though and not random people . so its harder to just brush off i guess)

like maybe im just not good enough yet. which is fine. spite is actually a really good drawing proponent. but its also just like . when will it be enough to be worth it? will it be worth being my friend now if im a good artist? if i draw what you want? ...........................

its obviously not discounting the people who really enjoy my art style adn what i draw regardless (which im soooo so grateful for bc i never like expect anyone to stick around sicne my fixations change like the wind) but its like... these r the people i spend the most time with . and it sucks. i have to. second guess what i say and what i type and just. ok like i know its not that serious either but i hate it i really dont like it (<- im also just socially anxious if u cant tell)

and its also like i cant just extract myself from my friend group for a while to kinda cool off (read: muster the courage to be an idiot in front of them again) bc ummmmm um i dont have many friends . they are kind of all i got. (which is nice i like small circles(?) im not good at opening up to people.) and i do admire and like them very much but then i just feel like i get bit in the ass all the time (This past month) with shit like this i guess

and honestly like. well half the reason i keep switching fixations is BECAUSE of stuff like this where i feel self conscious of """"Being obsessed"""" over One thing so much so i just immediately switch tracks so fast but its just a cycle (Which i dont see as a bad thing tbh? it keeps my art moving and things fresh so like.)

And honestly i dont really try to . be too vocal about. fandom? stuff? when im with my friends? unless they bring it up first? i got burnt so many times with my vtuber interests so like lol ive Learned. but maybe it slips out too much? bruh. my bad i guess

i have to stop thinking abt this man.., why has this happened to me so many times this past month lol its kind of ridiculous

(Im sure they dont like. mean it. right? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, if they actually meant it and want me to shut up then they should just actually say so right.,

i just want to draw . its not going to stop me from drawing but damn does it really like rain on my parade or put a dent in my fender or whatever other sayings that i cant think of right now

in the end i really REALLY appreciate frm the very very bottom of my heart everyone that even remotely likes/appreciates my art (especially the persona stuff nowadays bc thats what im mainly pouring all my mental and physical and emotional into) like i really really mean it. because this stuff like my silly comics and stuff is really stuff i make for purely my own heart and just what i want to see kinda. and so it just makes me feel really warm that people also want to see it and keep seeing it and love it and everything like that. and, with all this kind of negative stuff going on i just go back and reread tags and comments and stuff and i feel encouraged to keep going and draw more and everything like that. so like really, truly, thank you. i really never thought so many people would like the stuff i make. even if its not really artistically good, or really deeply interesting, im really happy it could be something special to people out there

[rattsin]

So just a little check in. I won't... no this is for me I will ramble.

You know, or may not know, that I have been drawing my way through alanna: the first adventure book for a few years doing a couple of pieces each year. Originally that started in part as a way to practice my drawing but mostly really it was a way to try and trick myself into reading again. I still don't enjoy sitting still and reading for more than a short while but the drawing keeps coming along, slowly, but I can feel a difference in my confidence, especially with traditional mediums.

Anyway an unexpected consequence of doing these alanna drawings is I have solid punctuation marks all across the years now documenting how I'm progressing with my art most notably making a real effort to learn to make work traditionally.

You see I learnt to draw digitally first, sort of, i did go to art school but made some poor choices and didnt make the most out of it. So i leaent to draw digitally before i learnt to draw normally and i got okay at it and digital art is still fun, I still like my first alanna drawing and I think it is technically better than my last one I just did buuuut... i really like making traditional art.

I cannot straight up draw on paper as well as i can digitally becuase of course i cant. I dont have my much used warp tools and layers and shit; fixing every micro mistake, but god traditional art is so fun.

And I can see that enjoyment grow over the alanna drawings as I learn something new or push myself to draw something outside of what I feel I can because that's what the scene calls for.

Once I was very embarrassed to show what the first image actually looked like. It's my first traditional piece in my collection and one of my very first serious tries at traditional drawing maybe since even before uni and I really hated it. I'm showing how the sausage is made but I've put what the picture actually looks like next to what I've put together on the computer as the finished works and... God I remember being so down about the first one, I'd laboured over it as I always do, wanting to make something nice to do the story justice, and I just... could not match traditionally what I knew I could do digitally and that pissed me off so much ahaa I didn't even know where to begin polishing this turd I'd made so I just stripped all the colour out of it and called it finished so I could stop thinking about it.

I did kept practising though obviously and as I said I've got these paintings of alanna to demonstrate to myself how I'm growing.

This latest one one, now this is a sausage. So I can't draw straight down onto paper as well as I can digitally but I don't like to paint digitally but I want a nice drawing I can splash my watercolours onto what do I do? Well for a while on things I care about being finished nicely I've been drawing the big complex thing digitally, warping what ever the hell I want, as many layers as desired, flip flop that file until I get something mostly polished and then I can get my light box or my projector and trace the thing out and ink it or maybe use coloured pencils but right now I'm inking.

And that's what I did here, it's an A3 hot press most expensive bit of paper I've used since printing class and boy I was determined to do right by the materials.

Had so. Much. Fun. with my watercolours once I got there after the ink. This is probably my second most big complex watercolour ive tried and i loved painting it. Loved it. Made a huge mess of my carefully planned out line work. Ah well, no worries, I can just draw them again on the ipad i thought, too easy.

Yeah nah I hated that. Took the photo, popped it into procreate, got to drawing over the little washed out ink lines to sure everything up. Ugly, felt wrong, hated it, not doing that.

So I sat with it for a bit. I knew I did want to bring the lines back an not leave it washed out and I knew that meant going in with a pen or a brush or pencils but I really didn't want to fuck it after I'd been so happy with where I'd gotten with it. But I did go in, with a brush pen, and I did fuck it. I fucked it so bad, in so many places. I fucked vital bits of the drawing that i had done so prettily in the first pass. I fucked with bits I had already fucked with splashing paint water too enthusiastically and fucked it some more. And then, boy, then I tried to unfuck my fuck ups with gouache and fuck me that was the biggest fuckshit mistake. It was fucked. I had fucked up and fucked it. In my defence, I'd had a chest/sinus thing and covid for 6 weeks. But actually, i... did care i fucked it but it wasnt crippling, so i probably dont even care to have a defence, i didnt fuck up that badly, actually.

That's a really revolutionary thought for me.

So I took another photo of my fucked but now much better defined painting, slapped an orange filter over it, ironed out the gouache situation, pushed a couple of the faces around so they werent so soulless and called it finished because... it was. It was really a very easy thing to clean up, I had not fucked anything up beyond the scope of my ability to repair a little and the worst fucks well... I couldn't really see them for all the good I had done.

Rev-o-lutionary.

When I got out the first picture to have a look at tonight I was surprised by how neutral I was to see it. I had hated it but, by extension and more worryingly, i had felt resentment towards my own fumbling hands for this thing I thought was ugly being the limits of their ability to create.

I don't see what I was thinking in that picture now. It just is what it is. Something to practice my drawing and trick myself into reading. A punctuation mark showing my first steps into a new medium. Making it i should have just allowed it to be time spent recovering from what i remember being a pretty shit time, a respite. I didn't need to be so cruel to myself.

And, gladly, doing this latest picture I didn't feel any dissatisfaction with my hands. I made plenty of mistakes, pleeeeeenty. But i can see what ive done and how i might avoid shitting things in the future. That's enough. I did good things in the painting too

And it's time to sleep. I just was pondering over this. I don't reeeeally know what I've said but i felt it boiling in my chest, I mean outside of the infection that's mostly cleared, and I just felt like getting it out

Yep

[scourgefrontiers]

lrb// ok !!! fuck !!!! you got me i have fallen into the trap of posting what i think people will like most 😭😭😭 like of course i ENJOY what i draw and i do have fun creating everything i post but like. theres always a part of it thats because i want ppl to see it and share it and like it. yknow. and it feels So Bad that that part is so Big. it shouldnt be such a big part of why i post my art. it shouldnt even be half of why. maybe a tenth. but right now its like, A Lot of why

of course i could never post something im not happy with, or that i didnt have fun making, or that i didnt genuinely love creating. but it sucks knowing that i Have fallen victim to wanting ppl to like my stuff so much i forget what drawing for myself is sometimes.

what makes it complicated is i feel like i HAVE to post like this. bc i literally do my art For A Living. i take commissions To Pay For Rent And Food. so i kind of Need to have attention on my work or else i wont get commissions. yknow??

theres gotta be some kind of balance for my situation but i dont know if ive found it yet u_u;; its rough out here man

its just always shitty when i post something and then i have the desire to work on something else and my brain demons are like "you cant work on that, you should be working on smth that will bring in those views" and im like yes ma'am. like. always :(

im just afraid to do something that would compromise what ive built and what i have. i dont wanna lose all this bc i posted one oc or drew for a new fandom or something. but also i KNOW, i KNOWWWW i need to just draw and post what i think is fun and makes me happy!!! i know this !!!! its just so much harder when you do this shit for a living man

[orchidyoonkook]

personal

Hi, need to scream. Tumblr seems to listen best. can and please feel free to ignore.

okay so essentially my job has removed all of the things I use and need in order to be able to do my job with my mental disorder. my mental DISABILTY. that i was honest with them and told them about at my freaking trial shift. that i told them i needed certain things in order to do well. nothing drastic. but things that helped me significantly with my performace.

SOOOOOOOOO i am now severely struggling at my job because they've taken those away cuz they were 'annoying' or 'in the way' or 'clutter'. like. im not even leaving shit every where. It's like, maybe at most 3 sticky notes? (for example) and they're written just for me, like just so i can have a list of things i can do and know to go back and look on when i need a task because ive finished the one i was doing. but then my boss reads them and critiques them as if they're for everyone. or says 'okay yeah but we do that every day so i dont see why you have to write it down. you should know to do it by now' LIKE BRO. I forget to put deodorant on some days because of said mental disability. it's something i do and have done every day since i was 12 or 13. thats 12 years. and i still forget some days just cuz my brain wasn't working properly.

AND now due to this they have put me, one of the staff currently with more seniority than 3 other staff, down to one shift a week, while every one else is full time or heavily part time.

In march i was full time and kicking ass, I was the fastest employee on my tasks, i was doing great, the customers loved me and now that all of my things that i need in order to function have been removed for everyone else's aesthetic preferences, I'm suffering, and most likely being silently fired.

like... what do i do with that. I can do my job, with my accomadations - that arent that many btw - i dont expect them to move mountains for me. But dude. I hate this feeling so much because i'm capable, theyve seen me be capable. i was for 1.5 years. like i want to be good at my job. I like and enjoy being good at my job. i've told them that. I want to do good but my ability to be good is being derailed, and i just get told to try harder, just work harder, impress your boss with how hard you work -> for minimum wage, i might add.

and everyone is like "just get a new job, just apply for more jobs you're not applying for enough, literally just apply for everything, even if youre not qualified" and i cant just do that, due to said disability. there are jobs i am unable to do. so i have to be a lil picky otherwise i'll be right back where i am now. and ive been looking for months and applying for months with no luck - no one ever responds. why list jobs if you dont respond?????

it's getting to the point where im debating opening up drawing commissions or writing commissions, or something that i can make to earn a little extra cash here and there while i get over this transition period. And that's a big deal for me because i don't do commissions. I do my art for myself or for when i want to share something i've made already, like the UTWT books. Hell, I did a tattoo design for a friend on here that i put easily 40 hours into, and i felt guilty that they wanted to pay me for it because i'd asked them for the idea. Like, i don't do commissions. so for me to be considering it is really telling for me.

anyways. this is a bajillion words long now, but i already feel better. and I'm posting it in the middle of the night in hopes that the void just consumes it and never lets it see the light of day.

If you read this, thanks and sorry for the bummer of a post. This isnt a pity party or a poor yoon thing. I'm not looking for comfort or any of that. this is a 'i don't have a therapist and my friends and partner and family are sick of hearing me bitch, when i havent been able to fix it in months despite trying my best too' thing. so yeah..

i hope the new year brings me something good.

[party-gilmore]

Check ALL The Warnings In The Tags If You’re Ducking Below The Read More.

DISCLAIMER: This is a post about me specifically and my broken fucking brain. I am not trying to make any sweeping statements about colonizer guilt or “activism burn-out,” of which others have made EXCELLENT points and i am not trying to draw away from those conversations at all. This is specifically about how my panic disorder and suicidal ideation are making it difficult for me to safely manage my level of involvement and interaction online, at the expense of the ability to actually put in the work for change out in the real world.

OKAY.

Last post on mobile. Tumblr is officially deleted from my phone. we are on Set Amount Of Time A Day - PC/Desktop only for a while.

To be very clear the point of this is not looking for sympathy or trying to be guilt trippy, just trying to get a hold of where my head’s at and let y’all know I’m not gonna be around so much but that I’m okay. Or least, this is me TRYING to be okay.

i CANNOT let the doom-scrolling keep affecting my ability to actually do anything that might actually help. The way i’ve been interacting on this site, trying to Stay Informed but blurring that line and crossing into constantly seeking more and more details that i NEED to admit i can’t handle, whether it’s the level of detail or the constantness of it or both…

the paralysis and anxiety and panic and - there’s an actual word for when you keep vividly imagining the absolute worst possible outcome but i can’t remember what it is, probably something else starting with “doom” - anyways the point is i clearly don’t have the ability right now to:

a) have any kind of ready access to The Horrors without making it… LITERALLY constant in my life. i don’t have the control to take it in measured doses, i need to recognize that if i have any kind of access all the time it WILL be a 100% deep dive nothing but the fucking trauma and abominations being inflicted on others in detail from the moment i get up until i finally clear my head enough to sleep for a few hours. which yeah i KNOW Palestinians in Gaza don’t GET that luxury it IS 24/7 all the time for them and I wouldn’t be complaint about that at ALL honestly if it weren’t for the fact that right now CLEARLY i do not have the fucking ability to

b) stop that from paralyzing me from any Real Action. It just locks me up. It SHOULDNT i should be able to compartmentalize that shit because physically for now i am fine my family is fine but instead i just fucking sit there , blankly staring as I scroll through atrocity after atrocity after atrocity that powerful governments are supporting, feeling like i cant do shit cuz it’s just getting worse and worse, then guilty that i feel like giving up, then GUILTY that i feel guilty because who am i trying to guiltrip here who CARES if I feel guilty when i’m not in the same situation they are they have it so much worse and they keep on going what would YOU do in that situation huh if you can’t even handle THIS - then that kicks of the vivid imaginings of me and my family experiencing that kind of slow death and dismemberment and being crushed by rubble then of course because we’re in america close to dc my brain jumps to nukes and how we’re in the zone JUST far away enough from DC for it not to kill us outright it would be slow and horrifying and painful and could i bring myself to at least get in the car and make it up to them so we could at least die together or would it be alone and afraid like all these people around the world are going through, that Palestine is going through, that my government is putting them through -

anyways it’s that spiral that keeps me sitting and scrolling and sitting and scrolling and wallowing in - what i genuinely thought was me just being a shitty fucking person but i realize now was actually genuinely - an anxiety attack (that’s the one that’s slow and creeping, right? panic is the fast sharp one) like an actual physically can’t shake myself out of “i forgot my brain was fucking broken, the adhd meds aren’t gonna magically fix everything” anxiety attack. Every goddamn day.

And let me be very clear again about my point here my point is not to try and guilt trip or garner sympathy my POINT is -

I cant do the kind of shit that actually helps anyone, in real fucking life, if I keep sending my brain into lockdown panic “All Is Lost, You Suck, Just Fucking Die” mode.

I want to be better, do better, be stronger, not have to look away at all. But I can’t trust myself not to fucking…. wallow in the goddamn despair of it all right now. So I need to take that option away.

Because who’s it really for, honestly? All the sharing and the posting? There’s a limit to what actually helps. The people following me have already made up their minds, one way or another. Sharing more of the same old shit isn’t going to actually CHANGE anything. Once youre through the new information of the day, the shit people actually need to know that they might not already… it feels like it’s just fucking… performative bullshit. like it’s all about making sure people SEE you still sharing all of this stuff. Oh look i’m still involved see how involved i am see how i’m still reading and sharing and posting all this stuff arent I a Good Activist?

What does any of that matter if it’s breaking my brain so much I can’t actually do any activism???

I would rather be considered weak and selfish by strangers on the fucking internet who don’t see me sharing as many posts as they think I should, but who ACTUALLY KEEPS WRITING the emails and MAKING the calls and SEEKING OUT events and disruptions and protests that maybe i can actually PARTICIPATE in

Than to keep showing off how i’m not “Looking Away” online but then spend every night sitting on my couch doing Fuck All about it, locked in a perpetual doom scroll through my For You page, imagining my flesh slowly burning and melting off as I hoist my whimpering dying dog’s body into the back of my car and desperately try to reach my parent’s house in time to say good bye and all go together, then shoving all that down into a flimsy box at the last minute to be able to smile at my mom and act like I just swung by to help with the floors instead of absolutely needing to see her and my father alive right now and touch them and fucking hate myself for indulging in that when Palestinians can’t so much that i force myself into an even deeper doom scroll next time as penance because how dare i look away for a MOMENT i can see them i can live i NEED to MAKE myself look at what’s happening-… rinse and repeat.

[thecw4kids]

for the past weeks ive been drawing less. not drawing if much at all. ive thinking over why in my head over and over while distracting myself with other stuff and interviews for jobs. where is my motivation and what motivated/s me

I have characters i love, i have goals i want to do and make. But cant seem to bring myself to do them. putting things that i want to draw and create is so hard in practice. Its like im missing pieces of the creation process, still stiliting myself to try and be perfected or just i dont actually know enough to do something right. i feel like my art is ugly and imperfect, every thing i do in the process i poke at and comment on and fix and i dont know how to stop myself. It makes me sad and it makes art a trudge to go through

when i got my new tablet i made a few pictures so freely in under 10 minutes that look sooo good and so pure and emotional and well done. That happy uncaring doodle was me thinking weights were off and i could do whatever now with my new tablet… that ive rarely pulled out bc art has felt so hard. i keep trying to recapture that but i keep being so hard on myself in being happy with what i make, having fun, applying what i do when i do ANYTHING else i enjoy onto my craft. And its so fucking hard. Im not an idiot i know how to draw shit i know how do anatomy and make stuff up and do poses and make emotion and depth and all this stuff i nitpick and critique myself on but i still have to push my limits every day instead of simply enjoying it. How the fuck do i get that hour of unbridled love that i had back. My art is an extension of me and why do i have such preception im an ugly imperfect fucked up mess!!!!!

[yuukei-yikes]

any thoughts on remind blue?

currently, it is my favorite kagepro song (this changes like every week but i digress...) and i really want to make a pv for it but i lowkey have no idea where to start

your analysis/ramblings on things is really interesting to read and see, so also just wanted to let you know that i love all the content you post!! :D

I LOV remind blue. like every kagepro song makes me want to rip my face off ♥️♥️♥️ but this one is one of those that make me feel so strongly that i cant listen to it ♥️♥️♥️ cuz i do that btw. i cannot listen to kagepro songs without preparing myself emotionally and it has to be when i am alone in my room. i could never listen to them in public. that'd be weird. im drawing and suddenly a kagepro song comes on in my playlist and im like this is so fucked up who put this here (<- i did)

songs like summertime record, lost day hour, remind blue and ayanos theory of happiness specifically i basically never listen to because it causes something in me both mentally and physically. im normal though.

TOTALLY support the idea to make a pv!!! i wouldn't know how to start either tbh💔 who would u make it be sung by?? like the song is so good but for the lyrics im like meh like str is already a thing. idk it sorta has the same vibe. its like summertime record and lost day hour's lyrics had a little baby together. which is why i always liked to interpret it as a haruka song but fuck it ig its shintaro's.

i also liked the idea of it being seto's or hibiya's. i think they'd deserve a song like this, especially hibiya!! tho for hibiya the whole "adult" thing is different LOL and even seto, he's just 17... ive always loved haruka being the punchbag for the "im an adult wtf" feeling because he goes from living his whole life thinking he will die and then he doesn't. or well he DOES die but then comes back, and suddenly he finds himself with his whole life ahead. like haruka and his early 20s crisis abt i did NOT think id be alive this long and now i gotta deal with everything those feelings bring me but at the same time i have to pay rent and worry abt what to make for dinner soooo erm fine ig. that's also what i think lost day hour is about, i know jin describes it more like a song abt old friends but girl idk it rly only has a couple lines abt that as opposed to all the rest of the song... erm. what was i talking about again.

i just think it was rly funny how we were all like ok remind blue uses "boku" so it's seto kano hibiya or haruka (or konoha). and then jin was like hehe. shintaro♥️ SHINTARO DOESNT EVEN USE BOKU whatever im pretty sure he also said it can fit anyone and its more a general mekakushi dan song. but tbh so is summertime record sooooo. sorry im sidetracking a lot

i dont particularly care for remind blue so much (LIKE THE SONG SLAPS im still talking about lyrics) bc it's very heavy on the shit abt like growing distant and stuff sortof??? like kagepros ending/str is implied to have the mekadan not grow apart but kinda do their own thing while still meeting to hang out, bc kagepro is also about growing up and with growing up comes maybe growing distant from these friends you love, but they will always be important and one of a kind in ur life and when u meet its like time hasnt rly passed between you. not to mention the whole thing about combining eyes and how all the snakes will always end up gathering by the queen no matter what, meaning the dan will always be bound to make their ways back to each other no matter what, and are connected to one another by the literal narrative that theyre all actually sort of aware of a little bit (they always refer to their tragedy as a "story"..kagepro is a little meta lol). and like that's all so beautiful but also fuck it. they all meet for pizza nights every week. erm. the passage of time am i right

ALSO TY FOR READING MY POSTS:///3 I LOVE KAGEROU PROJECT A NORMAL AMOUNT AND IM A NORMAL PERSON

[borderpolarblog]

EVERYTHING THATS WRONG WITH ME

Dear diary,

Since I have just been just depressed and drawing I decided I will list all the illnesses I have and how they impact me. c: Right now I think I am somewhat stable so I can tell you a lil about this!

Bipolar type 1

Borderline personailty disorder

Migraines with Aura

Hyperhydrosis

Synesthesia

Okay so bascially these aren't in order but I yeah lemme say smth to all of them. First what this does and then a few small thoughts. (All of these are diagnosed)

Bipolar type 1

Bipolar disorder or also called Manic-Depression is an mental illness that, as the name says, includes manic phases and depression.

Depending if you are type 1 or 2 it can differ a bit.

Type 1 means that you have fullblown mania and depression episodes.

I gotta say the first Episode I remember was a depressive one. This one was different then my usual depressive feelings. This was a depressive episode with psychotic features.

"Some people who have severe depression may also experience hallucinations and delusional thinking, the symptoms of psychosis. Depression with psychosis is known as psychotic depression."

These are extremely heavy since psychotic symptoms only occure to very severe episodes so trust me that wasn't fun. I saw creatures and the wall was suffocating me as well as I saw things happening that weren't actually happening.

So I went a little bananas. And that made the doctors think I was actually psychotic which wasn't the truth. You see, if you only expereience like actual hallucinations in a depressive episode it doesn't make you psychotic. I never had these again so I guess i was just really at a low point there.

So anyways. They gave me Quetiapine starting with 25mg to 400mg in the end. And guess what? That cycled me into an Manic episode and didnt help me at all. It just made me numb and unable to pay attention in school.

Later I learned that Quietiapin is also the thing you give Bipolar people against the depression so great shit, that already didnt help me. Now we are thinking of giving me Lithium but I am not sure anymore if i wanna take any meds to be honest. But we'll see.

I first heard a Therapist tell me I should maybe look into that when I just talked to him about my depression. He asked me questions and I found myself answering many of these with "yes" and then he told me, maybe its more then just depression and I should look into that. But god forbid not with him though, he is just the "unipolar" depression expert.

Like what? okay?

But yeah so I got later then Diagnosed with type 1.

Funfact: I was talking to a guy once and he told me "You are the happiest most positive person I have ever met" Which is obviously INSANE considering all my problems. I was in a manic episode there btw.

My Grandpa I never met had apparently a crazy life and was mentally very difficult with having episodes and since Bipolar is also very genetically transmittable it just makes sense.

Its crazy to hear about him by my grandma. She said she loved him and everything but then she tells me about how he cheated on her so many times and then had violent outbursts beating her up and then on the other side he was extremely talented violin player going to the most prestigious music college in the whole country.

Maybe thats why my mother always told me to not play violin although I ALWAYS only wanted to learn this from little to now and then she made me play piano instead..

I wonder if I am anything like him.

Borderline personality disorder

"A person with BPD is highly sensitive to abandonment and being alone, which brings about intense feelings of anger, fear, suicidal thoughts and self-harm, and very impulsive decisions"

So yeah that bad boy. I feel like, just how normally people get this disorder, I got that 100% from severe trauma. The guy who made me sobb, kneeling to the ground begging him with anything I had to not leave me, really did something to me. I sometimes get violent outbursts and when I cant smash something I cut myself, as you know.

When my mom was dying from cancer he was what kept me going. As abusive as he might was he was a hell of a distraction. And then when my mom passed and he kept becoming more cruel I couldnt leave for months. But I managed to, and I am SO FUCKING proud of that.

However that left emotional scars. I feel like I am not loved if I am sexualized and then at the same time if it meant the person I loved would stay with me, I would let him run all over me. I would suck that dick or let him fuck me senseless if that meant he would stay.

So yeah abandonment issues check I guess. I got diagnosed with that before Bipolar. Since bipolar and bpd are similar in some way it was even harder to diagnose both I guess.

I feel like sometimes I get a break from Bipolar but the BPD is always with me. Things I have heard was

"You are the most difficult person i have ever met in my entire life."

"I think your future boyfriend will have to come with tons of patience and will have a hell of a hard time"

"With you its like walking on a field and any time a mine could explode."

And tons of other stuff that stuck with me. I know I am difficult, too emotional and quick to anger and isolate myself easily. Its hard being my friend but the few friends i have i try my best to keep.

Migranes with Aura

Finally something physically huh?

So I got diagnosed with that from a neurologist when I complained about like sometimes i see shooting stars and like this kind of stuff. After many MRT we found my brain to be healthy and so he gave me that diagnosis.

Maybe also because I am a young woman with a lot of stress, since thats sort of the group who has that.

I have a rather rare shaping of that illness however. The headache and that you feel like vomitting rarely occur, and that I see things popping up in my view happens pretty often. It gets triggered by light, heat and stress.

I can identify a lot with that since I always know I have to gather distance from others when I start seeing these shooting star looking like things. I need to be in bed and put all light off and just lay there. (Which everyone has with this illness, so I dont feel too weird when I often lay in bed in a darkened room lol)

Hyperhydrosis

This is a rare illness with 1-2% of people have it. It basically makes you just sweat harder then normal people.

This not-so-bad sounding illness is actually really annoying to me. I am a girl as you can maybe tell and I have to put deodarant on myself like 15 times a day and STILL smell like I ran an marathon. I try the hardest I can to not stink, trust me, but i can shower everyday and use a lot of deodarant and still smell not so nice.

Since people dont really know about this illness nobody really cares and just thinks I dont take proper care of my hygiene. Which is very annoying but i chose to not mind that too much thought, I know the truth so whatever.

I sweat heavy on my armpits, my hands and my chest. I use a big amount of perfum and deo to make it okay. And sometimes it works better then other times.

Anxiety is also causing me to sweat even more.

Sidenote: Once a cute attractive looking guy sat next to me, and I sweated so fucking hard my hands were wet and I felt like I smelled horrible. I bet with you he noticed and he never sat next to me again BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? I GOT NERVOUS

So yeah thats it with that one. Maybe you find this funny and it kind of is a bit but still something that bothers me haha

Synesthesia

The last one! This one I got diagnosed a few years ago and it made a lot of sense. 4% of people world wide have it and it different for everyone.

You maybe have heard of people thinking of specific colors when they see numbers as an example.

Well, for me its that if I feel an emotion REALLY heavily I sometimes see colors and shapes.

This is clearly to distinguish from the hallucinations of psychotic symptoms and the aura from the migraines.

The hallucinations from psychotic episodes: I actually believe these are real and these arent shapes or colors, actual things are happening and I believe they are real without question.

Aura from the Migraine: These happen randomly with the only cause being bright light and maybe stress.

The Synethesia things I see are either when I am VERY happy or exhausted or sad.

As an example: I worked in the kitchen of a resturant once and got scolded about not working properly and I felt embarassed and ashamed I did a bad job, while she was talking to me I saw right next to her two dark blue circles spinning in a helix form up. I knew it wasnt actually happening but I saw it when I felt that way.

Or when I was really happy such as I exercised a lot or YES I know that sounds like I totally lost it when I had an EXTREMELY good orgasm. I saw colorful stripes in rainbow colored confetti moving around my view.

So yeah I have all these things and I got checked thrououghly if a tumor or a infection or any of these things on my brain or body caused them. Even stuff that maybe people would have seemed as unlikely like a cerebrospinal fluid examination, but they wanted to make sure by all the crazy stuff I saw I didnt secretly had a tumor.

CONCLUSION

I am at a point now where I think I know whats up and can differenciate a lot in my daily life why I am feeling or acting the way I am.

I believe it took so long because I am such a complicated case. All the different doctors and therapists told me I am a difficult case but we will figure it out eventually. And after a few years we did! c:

I maybe seem a bit crazy to you if you read all this but always remember do not judge anyone, since you would have never expected me to have all these issues when you would see me on the street.

be kind, spread love and I will see you soon! xoxo mwa mwa

[smileymoth]

tw suicide/self harm/disordered eating idk im having a moment

best part abuot being a fucking coward is that i dont think id ever kill myself. like i am too scared to just injure myself . i cant even cut myself too deep without freaking out like i see a drop of too much blood and i feel like im gona faint . but boy if i do not think abt just ending it every day. i sometimes start thinking about details and it freaks me out so i stop but its just like a passing thought of ohhh i cant fucking take this anymore i need to kill myself . it would be better if i just fucking died bc i dont bring any sort of value to society. im deathly afraid of not getting a job. i dont want to live with my mom for the rest of my life like my aunt. i dont think i could handle it. i need to be alone and i need to be indipendent. ive been hurting myself since i was like 10 by just scratching myself or whatever but like actually starting to cut myself at age 22 is kind of embarrassing like. im an adult. what am i doing. i cant fucking do this shit man. i cried today bc i was all nice n cozy in bed and i just cried bc i was like god i wish this could just be how it was every day. i dont want to do anything i dont want to go to work i dont want to do schoolwork i just want to draw and get paid for it. but i just suck at everything. i need help with everything. i need to kill myself. tbf i could probably do the museum job forever. but i am never getting hired bc they dont need me there. i do feel like a job would be better than school. school makes me want to kill myself. im so fucking stressed about everything right now its unreal. i need a scale so fucking bad too and i need to get back into the flow of restricting properly bc ive just been fucked in that department lately bc im so overwhelmed. its so impossible to keep ttrack of what you eat when youre busy. when you dont have a specific routine. im autistic arent i. whatever. i need to just make sure im always under [redacted} kilos so that if the surgeon finally fucking calls i would not have to be like oops sorry i cant im still an obese cunt who you cant operate on. idk. i need to kill myself as per usual. like i cant keep up with all of this shit. i just want to not be so fucking stresserd all the time but life is all jut about being stressed and doing shit and i dont know if i can handle it. i can barely handle school and now im flipflopping between volunteering at the museum and school and im dying im just straightup dying like im pretty surre why i got so sick now was bc i was stressed tf out bout everything and not resting. and yet i feel like i havent done enough. i have done fucking nothing to secure myself a job in the future. i have no plans for the future beside "ill figure it out as i go" but things really dont work like that. im fucking wasting my life away im useless like. i have nothing to offer anyone. who want me no one. shoot me in the headddd nowwwwwwwwww i need to kms and die forever

and like i dont even know why i am like this. like im just fucked in the head. i feel like im gona be like this forever. idk if i can live to 40 like that. i have no horrid trauma that would result in me being this much of a sad freak who keeps whining. like i feel like im just pretending or like playing the victim to get idk brownie points from god or something bc i dont tell shit to anyone beside like 3 of my friends and all of tumblr but i rly doubt anyone reads these anyway like this shit too logn. tl;dr whatever. whatever. it feels like its my fault that im like this. i feel like i fucked my life up on purpose somehow. that its my fault that i want to kill myself. idk if it works like that. but the thought of that only makes me want to get worse. like ive contemplated so many times of just making myself bleed so hard i pass out but i cant bc im a pussy but i feel like it would prove sth to someone. probably to myself. that im not just making it up for attention even though yeah sureeeee the attention you get from slicing your skin and then making sure to always cover that shit up to make sure nobody ever sees . whatever. i hate this shit if you ever think abt cutting just dont you wont get rid of it and if your mental health keeps getting gradually worse so will that bc hashtag coping mechanism. its like the only thing rn that even helps it like calms me down but then its like aw shucks theres new scarrsssss that take ages to heal. fuck my shit life idk. im stupid and stubborn and i dont think ever. i think too much actually. i hate that i dont feel sick enough i hate that i just feel lazy and ungrateful. i hate feeling like im being weak so that others would do sth about it while i push away any and all help i get offered . if i do accept it i feel like shit afterward bc im not enough to get it done myself. i hate feeling like im always behind. like im sdomehow behind all my friends . ill never be good enough. ill always be behind. i peaked in 9th grade and it was all downhill from there. i shouldve been someone else from the beginning. i hate that i exist i feel sorry for my mother for having to put up with me i feel sorry for my friends for having to put up with me . im just pathetic and sad and i do fuckin gnothing to help myself

[anandasamsara]

*Content warning: self harm*

I had a bad breakdown this week. My hands still hurt. I beat my head so hard i thought i might have a concussion but it wasn't that bad in the end.

Everyday i feel like just stopping. Just giving up.

I don't actually want to die, i just wanted to live, and right now that's the problem.

My family taught me to dream, to want. And now that i do, i cant. 20 years studying education, and now im the one who's wrong for wanting to work on what i spent most of my life on.

I could have just gotten an office job or whatever when i finished high school, but they told me i should go to uni. And i did want to. And now im over qualified for the simple jobs and under qualified for the ones I've been studying for. Doesn't matter i spent 20 years on it, i need 30. And half of that needs to be professional experience, that i cant have bc im still under qualified for it.

The doctors said i cant qualify for reduced mobility diagnosis, even tho he said I'll never get my mobility back to 100%. So i cant physically get the simple jobs i wanted, like restocking shelves or working on a book store, bc they require me to be able to climb up and down stairs with heavy loads and carry shit around, and I can't physically do that.

The one thing that brings me joy rn is working on conventions. Tabling, making my products, traveling for it if necessary, talking with people even. Im actually very good at that, and its tiring but good tiring, like i get home feeling nice and warm and fulfilled.

But i need money for that. Last year i went to 20 cons. I worked hard, and it was nice. This year, up until now, i went to one and i sold a total of 2 things. But even then i felt so good to be back. But i can't keep it. I need 100brl for each con, usually, more if it's a bigger one. I need to eat, and to go to the place, and to buy materials. I had a print shop going on nicely, but now i don't have enough materials to keep it up and working.

I can't take commissions. Ive tried, and i have things to draw for other people on hold bc i can't bring myself to do it. I barely have been able to draw for myself.

I don't want to work. I don't think anyone wants. But i cant voice that bc its wrong. And i cant anyway. But i also can't find any work.

I have an exam today, to work as a history teacher. I don't think I'll get it. I haven't studied enough. At all, actually. I have full confidence that if im dropped on a classroom, i can teach a bunch of teens something about history. Anything. But im not confident about tests and exams anymore. Nor interviews. I wasn't like this, but i am now. If i could, i wouldn't go today. But i can't escape.

I made a dumb deal with myself. If i make it to 35 the same way i am now, I'll give up. I'll free myself from these expectations and just exist.

Its gotta be better than the not wanting to exist that im feeling now. It gotta stop hurting. It gotta make me want to stop hurting myself, bc i cant anymore.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

im so ashamed actually!!!!!!!!!!! so terribly ashamed i feel like the most disgusting person in the world, cuz thats how intense my brain works it thinks like. oh have yr friends ever called furries weird or implied they thought furries were weird? that means they think you are weird which means they basically want nothing to do with you you should kill yourself NOW!!!!!! i said damn bitch!!!!!! god forbid a man be passionate about. things.

it really is just cuz it has nothing to do with them i think thats one of the core reasons, its completely unrelated and i dont think theyd be interested so... do not RISK IT. maybe im selfish, i just.. i cant stand the thought of something i do being unappealing to them, i cant stand the thought of them looking away. any little thing could be a huge thing!!!! could be the worst thing ever actually could be the end of all things could ruin this

do i think being a furry is going to ruin my relationships? realistically, no. why would it? ive ALWAYS been a furry artist, so.. why am i so scared? sorry if you have to see this its very VERY embarrassing but LORD i am not winning the mental illness rn dear god

its like my head constantly makes hurdles for itself, but like. FOR OTHER PEOPLE. like okay.. they dont hate you cuz yr trans, cool cool... they dont hate you cuz yr have bpd, surprisingly!!!! alright. they dont hate you cuz yr fat, right.. but heres this NEW thing, they SURELY will hate you cuz you draw anthros like you are FUCKED say goodbye to everything dipshit. erm........... whats it gonna be next? theyll hate yr taste in fictional men, thatll do it!!! theyll hate yr music taste, theyll hate you for yr mental illness (not that one, the other one. they were fine with that one but THIS one theyll hate you for surely)

it pisses me off too, i KNOW my friends are good people. i dont seriously THINK that of them, i dont think theyre vicious and waiting to toss me away at any turn but... im still scared of it. i said it before, im scared ill be the one to bring that out of them like im somehow SO terrible ill make the best people ive ever met turn on me like that. FOR DRAWING FURRIES? are you actually stupid (yes)

i cant blame myself too much im. doing the best i can im unmedicated untherapied im . IM DOING PRETTY GOOD for someone whos been carrying several weird ailments and still just chugging along, i manage my symptoms when i can i do my best!!! but fighting yr own brain is FUCKING HARD... why is bro sabotaging me? why is it making me impulsive and scared like that? stupid quit it!!!! i got furries to draw i MISS IT SO MUCH I MISS MY GUYS. IM JUST... im a coward!!!!! i cant ever be like. well so what, who cares what they think? ME BITCH I CARE WHAT THEY THINK.. i hear everything they say, i remember all the things they say they like and dont like, and i internalize it subconsciously. they think this is weird and they personally dont like it? alright well you dont have much of an opinion on it OR you do actually like it so thats BAD we need to cut that shit immediately you will feel SHAME for something harmless cuz you think itll make them keep you longer

dont you get tired of it? YEAH i get real fuckin tired of it. so many times ive tried to like.. force myself back into what i love but as embarrassing as it is to admit, in my head their opinion on things is greater than my own. i struggle with putting people on a pedestal and ive actually been doing REALLY WELL with that like no they are my equals they are my best friends i love them i give them kiss but. The Horrors 💀 like i said it all comes out of fear, fear of being rejected and left to DIE ALONE IN THE COLD. do i think thatll ever happen? no!!! but do i fear it? absolutely. its less of like 'i see you as better than me' and more of 'im afraid to disappoint you and make you leave' which i feel like is pretty standard for someone like me

WHATEVERRR i should stop being such a litle bitch about it, ill try. i just hate feeling like everything i do is a test, i hate feeling so unsure about myself, if i move too fast itll shatter. it wont!!!! relax 🙄

[stomachimage4u]

So idk what in doing. Im gonna explain why i need to die. First of all nobody can convince me that i deserve to live because im a waste of space and oxygen. Everyday i wake up and play games or draw. I dont do anything productive such as studying or reading or exercising. Im too lazy to do stuff like that. Im too lazy to even write rn 😭 i wish my mind could write it for me and i wouldnt need my fingers to type. Im so lazy i dont clean my room, but its not like its too messy i just have to fold my clothes and vacuum and organise. Ok nvm my room is messy. I disappoint my mon. Sometimes i just cant bring myself to do the chores i do them from time to time but i sometimes scoff and throw myself in my bed. I dont see myself in the future. Yeah sure i have drawing skillz but can i really turn them into a job?? Nuh uh artists dont get paid a lot and its going to be even more horrible. Jobs for artist could be: commissions but you have to be very popular on social media, i mean its kinda optional but you need a lot of commissions to pay the bills. Another job as an artist could be clout but its almost same as the commissions. There are a lot of jobs, but its not like i can do any of them. They require skillz that i dont have. You could improve but it takes a lot of time. Art is just another hobby and i dont think i would take it to next level. Another reason that i should die?? For i should die?? Fuck english, is that im fucking ugly. I hate my hair because for at least 2 or 3 years i always kept it in a low ponytail because i look uglier with my hair down. I hate myself i wish I wasn’t so self conscious about my hair . I wish i could get a cool haircut without my mom saying something about it. I would still look cringe with a cool haircut cuz people dont really see me with my hair down not even my mom, and if i let my hair down they gonna b like :”omg she finnally let go of the ponytail” or sum like respectfully stfu, youre making me more insecure. I hate my face. I have a lot of pimples on my forehead. I mean its normal to have pimples but it isnt for me. Like what the fuck???? I havent eaten shit like chips and coke in since summer vacation started and my skin still looks horrible. Its true i sometimes forget to do the skin care routine because im lazy. I hate my eyebrowz. They are so fucking thick😭. I wish i should just give them a slimmer shape but my mom says that my eyebrowz are ok. Yeah, no. They arent. I hate my teeth. They are so yellowish because i sometimes forget to brush my teeth and even if i remember to brush them and actually do it, i give out no effort and i just move the brush in my mouth for 30 seconds and then leave. I dont have the BEST hygiene, i do shower two times a week but i dont really brush my hair or my teeth. I hate being a girl. I dont wanna shave but i still have to because i dont look “feminine” or some shit like stfu i dont wanna shave im lazy. In the end i still shave cuz my mom tells me its for the better. So i hate myself so much, i wanna rip my hair off my head and scream loud AAAAA. And if im so ugly, nobody would want me. I need to be pretty to feel loved. I crave some much attention and love nobody understands. I mean, my parents love me right?? Idk they both are at they jobs and come home late and idk if they forget about me or nah. So now, i have the MOST important reason why i should die. Im egoist and narcissist. I only care for myself, i do things for myself, not for others. I imagine or daydream how i would get a lot of attention and that narcissism because uhhhh i read on the internet and ur prolly gonna be like “dont believe whats on the internet” well fuck it i mean it makes sense to be narcissist and imagine getting a lot of attention. Im a bad person, i make people around me disappointed or sad. So yeah, these were all the reasons why i should die. There's one more reason. I'm stupid but I'm not gonna explain everything you get the point.

[topbottomswitchblade]

hhokay so (drama under cut. nothing bad)

I am now some level of friends with 4 of the admins of the all trans kink group i am in. 2 of them are OG and 2 of them are new bc they expanded into having a bunch of specialized admins. the person who allegedly feels threatened by me is the sort of founder/leader of the group, and hosts it at her house. her thrupple/housemates are also admins but haven't really participated at the last few events.

a whiiiiile ago they had an art themed play party (people were doing nude drawings or whatever) and i asked if i could bring my camera bc that's my main visual art thing but also i know not everyone would be comfortable with there being a camera. leader said no but they have thought about doing a photography specific event in the future. that's all fine.

i also (recently) pitched renting a studio and doing a photoshoot to the events admin but like the next day at a munch (before i got a response) it was announced that they were going to do a play party with instant cameras. and also maybe get a legit photographer in the future but that's not relevant right now. i did throw my name in.

so myself and one other person said we have instant cameras to contribute and the leader was like "mm idk we might want to limit the amount of cameras"

so as it got closer to the event date, i went in the discord and was like hey can i bring my own instant camera bc it takes a different kind of film than the cameras provided and i don't want to have to go buy film when i already have some. and one person was like "the admins said no at the munch so they can keep track of the cameras" and another person said "good memory" which. idk that pissed me off, it felt condescending. like yeah i remember that too but it was a waffly answer and also a stupid reason.

so i texted one of my admins friends to be like "hey i don't get why i cant bring my own camera. if everyone is bringing their own film and anyone can use the camera, and they already established you need consent before you photograph someone, then there's already unknown variables and it's already self-governed so what difference does it make if i bring my own? plus right now it's 3 cameras for 30 people."

and they were like, "i completely agree with you but we (them and their partner, another admin) were outvoted. i can bring it up again but i might seem biased bc we have this friends with benefits thing going on." (paraphrasing)

so i made my argument in the discord, trying not to sound like i was arguing lol, and the leader decided to make it a poll. the options were

i want the no extra cameras rule removed

i want the rule to stay

i already bought film for the other cameras

the rule seems unnecessary

i have concerns about too many cameras

you could vote on multiple and a couple ppl had voted that they want the rule to stay (someone [not an admin] put their argument for the rule to stay and i countered it again) but ended up both retracting their vote so by the time the poll finished the ONLY ones that had any votes were "i want the rule removed" and "the rule seems unnecessary." a couple people commented that they didn't care either way, which, despite how many redundant options there were, was not on there. actually, one person voted "i already bought film" but like. you can still use the film you got. those cameras will still be there.

so then i was like "hey i have a polaroid onestep that takes i-type film if anyone wants to use it. i also have standing ring lights i could bring?" bc they always go for really low lighting and instant film is SHIT i have so much beef with instant film. i know i just said i have an instant camera but that's why. we should have developed working technology in the last 70 years. so anyway no one's photos are going to turn out.

but the leader immediately was like "no lights, it's too cramped as is" which is. not untrue but also a) there was no discussion and b) they don't take up much room, not that she would know. also c) okay dude but the photos are not going to turn out. but whatever i just fuck here.

my friends were like "wow she shut you down so quick what is her problem" and i was like "admittedly there is not a ton of space"

flash forward a day or two, i am on a brief trip to my hometown to see a local show at my favorite venue before it closes (FUCKING RIP) and like as soon as i get to my mom's house where i'm staying, the other pair of admin friends was like "hey do y'all want to hang out?" to me and my partner and i was like "insert sad crying in the rain looking in thru the window gif bc i am out of town"

but after the hangout my partner sent me the above text. one of them said they believe the leader is intimidated by my popularity as The Knife Dom tm. i was like, is that real or just speculation? but ngl i was like :D

and basically it's speculation but the leader does have a worship kink and they speculate further that the group was probably supposed to be like her followers. and i was like hmm i just figured if anything it was bc i was the only one who (publicly) challenged the rule and stood my ground on it so she was quick to reassert some authority.

but i ran the idea by my first admin friend and they were like. oh 100% she wants to be worshiped and be in charge, doesn't like people disagreeing with her rules, pulls the "it's my house" card, and originally was super popular bc she started the group so a lot of the early members were ppl she already was/would have sex with, but now the group is growing so there's more outsiders and her actual polycule is participating less. my friend said the early ones were basically ppl lining up to have sex with the leader and now people are lining up to get cut by me. also, the leader had no experience in the kink community before starting her own group (wild! i mean it's working out fine besides some complaints but what a jump) so she probably feels insecure/threatened by people who have experience, or just being challenged in general bc i don't have any more experience than she does.

but anyway yeah. trans orgy drama. hopefully this doesn't develop into beef bc we had no hard feelings before. but ngl it does make me feel like a hotshot.

(blacked out names are some of the admins of the kink group)

i have no idea is this is true or just speculation but it’s actually making me feel like hot shit rn (positive 😎)

also re: waiting for my post to get shared in the discord, ​i have thought about if i let ppl in the group know about this blog im gonna have to watch what i say lmao

[ghostbbii]

released from my prison mind

I AM SO SORRY SIS, I KNOW YOU FORGIVE ME!!!! IF I KNEW I WOULD OF NEVER ALLOWED GOD TO CALL ON SLEEPY.. I WOULD OF SAVED YOU NEWPHEW!! YOU WOULD OF NEVER BEEN LOOKING DOWN ON US WITH YOUR MOM NEXT TO YOU..

At times i want to hate you god!! but at the end you have your reasons!! but this one its unexplainable, to me. im confused on that calling!! WHAT HAPPEN TO TALKING TO US through SIGNS!!

       Fck i want to scream out every day but instead i been doing it in my head for last 17&18 yrs now!!                                                   (1.15.04) & (1.26.03) 

i release you guys from being IN-PRISON in my mind

. see i couldn't find it in myself to accpet death!! stood in denial for all those years!! i didnt understand how i was never going to see you again. i already had to put your mom up in california state; in my mind. and i couldnt think of which state to put you once you got locked in my prison mind. i couldnt comprehend it.  how you guys would never have the chance to eat again, laugh, talk, sleep, go see events with the family or friends. do things in genral that you guys enjoy to do.. i didnt want to believe that it was the truth!!

i know i need to stop blaming myself about your DEATH nephew. but the truth for me would of been and  is you probably would really be alive. breathing with us ; walking this damn hell we call earth!! i know you felt that feeling just like i did that very night. we knew some thing was going to happen that day;  we knew we needed to find each other, it was meant for us to say sorry to each other.BUT  that time never came to happen. it never became a moment in our time line.. our last words to us were hateful words said outta of anger.. . if i can go back in time i would of went to school that morning, i regret not going.  for never getting up to just going against my gut. to just saying fck it; to showing up that day! . i never meant those words to you when we got into it that saturday afternoon. i was just standing up for my  mom like i always have man. but i should of never brought your mom into it and that lead us to really saying words that we let our anger get the best of us..just when we were finally learning to speak to each other, get along. you, aaron and me. still had a while until all 6 of us did get along.  but  you ran away from home that day. 3 months later, the day you decided to come back home!! i wish, i did go to school. oh how much it hurts to just want to hug you nephew, to laugh and joke around,, to go tagging on shit again, the bond we grew through art. its how we learned to speak. anger managment did help like you said. just had to accept it and be okay with it steph is what you would say to me! when liz and steph told me you went to the school looking for me it killed me more,, i died that day nephew! a part of me really left. i went cold and empty mentally i grew hate towards myself.. they dont lie that words can hurt..    Especially knowing i would never be able to say sorry in person to you. i  never meant those words  and i know you knew and know that now, its been killing me for holding on and not letting you guys go, to accept the truth, i wish i did said my peace to you that day at your wake. i wish i did go see you when we were doing your burial. instead i held on. i didn't want to have my last imagine of you dead man.. mainly beaucse my last interaction with you was us arguing!! i wasnt able to to find it in me to come and face you.  it wasnt the right way ;for that it's been eating me alive, for all these years.. i  cant remember how you or my sis sound like when  laughing. what your voice is when words come out of it. i dont know how it feels to embrace you nephew. or your voice lisette when you used to yell at us all. i cant recall how it feels to give your body a massage sis. i hate giving people a massage when they ask for it because it brings back memories. Fighting through the day with a weak body after treatment.  hate drawing shit it to much of a strong feeling having you next to me. i finally went to go say my peace Jan 2022. time to let ya fly