#and now i am physically and mentally ill | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

3-aem · 2 years ago

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oh always nice to wake up think youre in the process of being twitter suspended for getting a little too hrny with ur last gojo post and like fk u i didn’t wanna do this anyway ;-; (a lie)

#my tweets are loading #its funny how i went: we should go back to bed #but my chronically online brain was like no lets just do a quick glance #and now i am physically and mentally ill #and i want to cry #and it’s chronically online behavior yes #but getting suspended for hrny gojos is genuinely my greatest fear #bc of the sheer levels of irony #where he would simultaneously be the reason for my success and downfall like

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ganondoodle · 2 months ago

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so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-

but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again

(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)

i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)

weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward

but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.

right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)

#ganondoodles talks #zelda #ganondoodles rants #sorta #suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw #theres some construction stuff on our house going on #and my father is extremely stressed about it #he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed #my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi #to the point of my father yesterday saying that “it would have been better if i had just died back in the day”#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself #which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee #and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her #to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life #BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her #without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears #and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains #but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being #always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold #but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings

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pierrotdoesnteat · 7 days ago

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i think i need to go for a drunken walk while poorly dressed and cry in the graveyard

#i am scared to live in my home country right now #as a trans person #and a gay person #and a mentally and physically ill person

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kittylittersmoothie · 1 month ago

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I often worry that occasionally writing fanfiction will be my only contribution to society... but then I remember the following quote and at least feel some solace.

"Hence, my board shorts— the international sign for 'I am not a useful member of society.'" —Donnie, "Man vs. Sewer"

some days, we just need our board shorts

unfortunately, however, "some days" is "virtually every day" for me

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third-king-of-salmonids · 12 days ago

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Are you alive

I THINK SO?? THEY DIDNT BELIEVE ME WHEN I TRIED TO CALL IN DEAD DURING MY LAST SHIFT AT MAROONERS BAY SO

#helo i am too deep in this bit to abandon it now i have a freaking *t shirt* xD #also its fun and makes me happeh :3 #i just sometimes get overwhelmed and have mental + physical illness but i do always come back :3 #splatoon #splatoon 3 #salmon run #splatoon salmonid #king salmonid #splatoon salmon run #splatoon megalodontia #splatoon 3 salmon run #salmonid

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icewindandboringhorror · 1 month ago

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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently

#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting #with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though #you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would #think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page #disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol #THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended #(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever #so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with #no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know #EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably #It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end #point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc #I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc #rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is #not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school #but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia #and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like #the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot #or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are #familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them #Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol

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mossy-paws · 10 days ago

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whenever you're playing phighting do you ever just look at the characters the opposite team is playing as and think ''we're gonna lose''

oh all the TIME, I think the worst ones are when I see a all skinned double healer (medkit and vinestaff) combo with skateboard, katana, and hyper,, those rounds are always the most miserable things in existence /silly

#Cro chatter #To. Everyone asking me stuff in my ask box I am so genuinely sorry I’ve been so unmotivated to answer any of them #I swear to god I’m not just ignoring asks I see every one and I’ve been trying to get to them for awhile :’DD #I’m gonna be answering a lot of them today but YEAH LOL #Also to mutuals/friends/etc I’m so sorry I’ve been neglecting all of you as well #I’ve just been very very drained both physically and mentally so I haven’t really had too much time for stuff :((#Ill try to be a bit better but so far if you guys wanna interact with me i highly suggest you all go to my twt for it since #Ive been a bit more alive there LMAO #But for now I’m gonna try not to neglect you all LOLLLL

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bunnyboy-juice · 10 months ago

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im begging people to turn on the post dates for your feed bc sometimes i see ppl rb advice with good intentions but the advice is from 2010-2017 and therefore is WILDLY outdated!!!! and that's not good!!!!!

#personal #like well intentions are one thing #but advice from that time period esp abt very important things like healthcare finances homelessness etc is VERY outdated #as someone who lived thru some of the shit recently that ppl rb this stuff abt #like please please please i am begging #this information/advice is not timeless! nd changes CONSTANTLY #and PLEASE READ THE POSTS CRITICALLY????#i saw someone rb a homelessness advice post recently that suggested hitchhiking to the midwest or south which is TERRIBLE advice-#-if u arent a thin white cis (passing) str8 (passing) able bodied person!!!!#which lbr the ppl most affected by homelesness are queer & trans & mentally/physically ill black & brown ppl #ive seen posts being shared saying that homelessness isn't THAT bad if u just shop cheap - whcih is ALSO not true??????#im harping a little on homelessness bc thats admittedly some of the biggest shit ive seen w/ this issue #but yeah just. please turn on the dates and use criitcal thinking b4 rbing any and all “advice” posts #there Are people out there who write well intentioned advice that is extremely dangerous #there are people out there who wrote advice that was good for when it was posted but not now #there are even ppl out there who write fake advice that is legitimately dangerous for people to do #just. please

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adhderall · 2 months ago

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well as you can see besides being ugly as all fuck I'm also extremely bitter so that doesn't help at all in making me appealing. but it also comes with the territory you see, being treated as a hideous freak of nature for your whole life kind of does things to your psyche.

also going into shit in the tags as an extreeeemely jaded individual who's been on every side of the discourse and KNOWS it all VERY PERSONALLY so I know many people will find all sorts of different reasons to hate me (if they want ig) because I'm ~politically homeless~ at this point because I'm sick and tired of everything but whatever

(also fuck I ran out of space in the tags so another post maybe idk. )

#so. i get why people are against children transitioning i really do. and i have my own nuanced complicated feelings about it #but honestly. im beginning to believe id be more well-adjusted by now even if just a bit if i had started larping as male by 15.#would it fix all of my problems? no. but it would make a lot of things in my life much smoother and easier.#but i was sooo deep into raddie/gc shit that i had this fucking. complex about not wanting to troon because its ~cheating~#and 'omg all the butches are leaving!!1 butch flight i cant be one of them!!!1'#'i MUST be a good example for all the young girls!!!1' a weird sort of almost martyr-like complex if you will.#but as i get older im like... honestly man fuuuuccckkkkk this.#barely anybody expects straight or even bi women to abstain from dating men forever For the Good of Womankind #its not seen as Expected but rather Exceptional and Wow Amazing if you do.#and anyone who Expects it is seen as a ~crazy extremist~#meanwhile lesbians and especially HSTS are almost fucking Expected to sacrifice themselves for the ~greater good~#and ngl other lesbiams perpetuate this shit too.#oh you CANT transition even if you feel it'll make your life easier because because because #[arguments that would really only apply to OSA females transitioning]#[strawman] [misinterpreted stats] [unverified reddit posts]#and if all else fails 'think of how the very act of doing so will HURT ALL OF WOMANKIND'#no fucking wonder dysphoric lesbians develop an fucking insane martyr complex and start to treat hrt/transitioning like its fucking crack #'ill give into the temptation if i see a happy trans person ohh nooo so nobody should be allowed to troon'#like thats not fucking normal! you realize thats NOT FUCKING NORMAL right?#youre acting like a deranged christian who is so afraid of sinning by wrongthink #and disclaimer no. i dont inherently hate being female or a lesbian but with the way i am physically and mentally #i would have/have had a Much easier time integrating into society as a ~man~. just because of how i am physically and mentally.#now i wont say internalized homophobia/etc. NEVER has anything to do with transition or etc. but im gonna be real #for HSTS (which are extremely rare in the first place) thats often only a very small part of it at most.#its often more about making our lives easier and integrating better without having to completely remold our entire personalities.#thats the reality.#would we not transition if society have patriarchy/gender roles/sexism? perhaps. i wont deny that possibility.#the fact of the matter is however #that it wont be happening any time soon. so we just want our lives to be easier.#'oh but youre lying to yourself' not necessarily. i dont have a ~gender identity~ and im well aware of myself and my situation.

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crimeronan · 11 months ago

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good fucking christ ALIVE. luz is SO FUCKING SAD.

#i am causing myself physical pain. AGAIN.#i've been editing for several hours now (halfway done with the chapter) and i'm like #damn if none of this prose fucks anyone up it'll be such a waste. she is SO SAD. and SO MENTALLY ILL #toh #princess luz au #consider this a status update. bc i noticed i'm halfway done and was like. ONLY HALFWAY????

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tamagotchikgs · 4 months ago

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every once in awhile im forced 2 the realization that i will never have a healthy relationship w food and i do not like that i will shut it right back away as fast as i can

#i know it just isnt possible #it's so deeply ingrained in the whole world #i fell into a hole n im stuck here forever. theres no ropes theres only more dirt being piled on top of me #ever since i was like 12 i was like ahah but ill recover one day and everything will be ok :]#no... no it wil not #it's so far gone now #i am so physically and mentally destroyed #even when i was younger my whole life my relationship w food or my body has never been good #i can remember so far back the pure disdain i had for myself and the way everyone treated me eating #not eating always got so much praise #it was so simple #even before i knew how to actually lose weight. i was too young to understand any of it #i had no idea what i was doing but the thought was enough it was in there and it was taking over me #my mom treating every food like a negative every food is unhealthy #not eating keeps u clean #and i am So dirty i am soso unclean

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crunchycrystals · 2 months ago

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i think ive mentioned this before but like i cannot stress enough how fucked up i think it is that i started dissociating at such a young age and continued that for months and never realized

#crunchyposts #me ventilating #the mental illness chronicles #not as bad as others but like i was so young. im still young and this happened years ago so #and throughout those months i was like 'maybe the situation isnt as bad as i think it was'#meanwhile every time my brain tried to remind me of the situation i immediately started to forget that the world around me was real #tw dissociation #tw derealization #i was constantly saying to myself 'maybe youre overreacting' while i wandered through life feeling weird when people said my name #because i forgot that other people were aware of my existence #this did also make me a worse person i am a lot meaner to strangers now bc i forgot that they were also real #im better now i swear i know yall are real i know that im typing this #i know my name i dont feel as weird when i see pictures of myself #but i just get really mad on behalf of younger me being put in a situation that forced their brain to dissociate #there was probably someone i couldve talked to about this but i was barely aware of anything happening aroud me let alone the concept #of dissociation so #i say im ok now bc i dont want yall to worry im really fine now i just wannt to rant #wow i found old messages saying it caused me physical pain #and the next message was 'nevermind we're back to everything feeling fake we're good now' isnt that fucked up. trauma babyyyyyy

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cashmire-writes · 17 days ago

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I haven't replied to comments in months (I am so sorry) and now I have over 600 "unread" messages in my inbox that I have 100% read but have not marked as read.

So I'm going to reply to comments now in order to try and escape The Thoughts

#i'm sorry updates are still going to be slow #i am very stressed and busy right now #to the point that the executive disfunction is hitting hard #and i'm starting to feel physically ill from stress #yay me!#i'm trying to get stuff to post because I do want to finish my works #i'm just currently suffering mentally #which is unfortunately where the stories are #what i can say is that there will be an update for forever to the end and beyond #and possibly an unrelated oneshot #posted on halloween #cashmire #cashmire writes #ao3 #update

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idyllic-affections · 1 year ago

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sometimes i forget enjou exists and then someone posts about him and i'm like. I miss you you silly little abyss man

#aphelion speaks 🌸#COME BACK ENJOU PLS 🙏🙏🙏#anyways hello!#i am suffering from Fuzzy Brain today. is it physical illness??? mental illness????? don't know! could be both.#so i have some asks and stuff that i will reply to #but probably tomorrow or the day after.#but i hope everyone else is doing well <3 #tbh even though i have Fuzzy Brain ambrose is still somehow on my mind #hsr oc hehehe <33 #i promise i still love eir and lian i swear....#i am also making two new genshin ocs soon #but for now??? ambrose on the brain

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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months ago

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...

#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before #is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things #the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the #weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad #not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a #prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country #my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for #treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad #as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain #shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing #to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird #when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk #i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach #out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home #somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long #term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting #whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot #i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors #i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival #unrelated

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windupaidoneus · 18 days ago

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sorry if i am weirder than usual right now GRINS EVILLY but not too evilly. i dont know whats up with me today but its like a whole thing it might be the four hours of sleep if im honest

#ive been awake for 12 hours im realising hmmmm #i did all the dishes then cleaned the mop & took a shower. i am now lying down until my feet & back stop hurting #bc like. ok i did the dishes but in the sense that i got them dishwasher ready right. i still need to get the dishwasher going #but since my mother never lets anyone else do it i dont know how to. ill figure it out though of course. grown ass man.#feeling very physically disabled atm bc. i am. but also feeling accomplished. i intend on cleaning my room as well #no ones home so.. smiles #but yea idk why i decided to do all thst. ive been jittery & antsy & like i need to do everything forever at once #& im also socially weird(er than usual) i can notice it but theres not much i can do about it bc the urge to yap.#its nothing HARMFUL i dont think since im not getting mad at ppl yknow im just a bit of an odd thing right now #do u forgive me for being a weird little mentally ill freak 💞💞💞💞😊🐏 say yes im nice

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