#and now even though it’s been lysoled i don’t want to touch it

[sscrambledmeggss]

girl help, selling your house and being a college student is not easy. ALSO having ocd while having people you don’t know (who you can’t even see), go into your room and walk around and touch shit, this is actually awful

[neoculturetravesty]

We met in online class - Part 3

Image taken from here.

Pairing: Renjun x Reader Genre: College AU, romance, fluff, angst, maybe humor???? Warnings: Strong language, drinking Word Count: 5.2k

Navigation: Part 1 | Part 2 | You are on Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Last Part

A/N: Happy birthday to Huang Renjun, the boy who lights up the world. Sorry for making him so angsty in this fic. Tried something a bit light for him on this occasion.

You’re embarrassed beyond belief. 

You had expected maybe an awkward moment or two. But the look Renjun is wearing on his face as the two of you exit the restaurant is one that makes you queasy. You feel so bad. The poor boy had tried so hard to make this date special; and you’d done everything you could to make it cumbrous. You tried, you really tried to act naturally. But, everything about tonight had made your words get caught in your throat. The fact that he’d chosen your uncle’s restaurant of all places… the fact that he had prepared all that he had… the fact that he looked the way he looked tonight. All of it had you taken aback because you’d never been on a date this nice before. This boy had really put you off your A game.

Still, you didn’t like seeing him wear this expression. You weren’t sure what part had irritated him the most: that you kept fumbling over your words? He’d usually been kind and patient with you, so that couldn’t be it. Maybe his pride had been hurt by how it had ended? Renjun didn’t come across to you as a spiteful person but he had made so much effort on this date. Oh man, maybe he was angry. 

To be fair, the poor boy hadn’t said anything since you’d left the table. Perhaps it was in what he didn’t say that you felt most embarrassed. You feel so terribly guilty, but walking out into the fresh air helps you get your act together. You stride ahead and grab his arm. You two needed a moment. 

“Renjun, wait. I… I need to explain myself.” you begin but gauge his reaction first.

He turns to you and you can’t read the expression on his mask covered face. He doesn’t say anything, so he’s probably letting you talk. Whilst you can’t read him, you pull your own mask down so he would see you fully and understand what you mean.

“Renjun, I’m so sorry. When you texted the address, I thought about telling you to choose another restaurant. But I didn’t want you to think I was blowing you off or having second thoughts. I just… oh my God, I am so embarrassed and I just…” you take his hand in both of yours because you really want him to feel the sincerity in your words “... I’m so sorry. I just went along because I was really excited to see you… like this… on a date…” 

Renjun is looking at the ground, like he’s weighing your words, or thinking about what to say. You wait for a beat, or two or three. But on the fourth beat, you say,

“Tell you what, this date doesn’t have to end like this. I know you didn’t eat at all, and honestly, neither did I. My apartment is just around the corner. Do you maybe wanna come over for some ramyeon?” you look at him, your eyes hopeful. You really don’t want him to be mad at you. Your stomach feels uneasy, and you’re pretty sure the French food had nothing to do with it. 

“What, no condoms this time?” he finally looks up to ask and now, his eyes are smiling. 

“Huh?” you begin but then your eyes widen as realization hits and suddenly, you’re much too aware of his hand in both of yours. You drop it right away and you’re blushing intensely when you say “No, no condoms this time. I mean actual ramyeon.” you cover your face with your hands because yes, you’re embarrassed, but also, you’re grinning because Renjun is teasing you again and you prefer it way more than his silence. 

You hear the sound of his amused laugh and then feel his hands close around both your wrists, gently pulling them down. “I’d like that. Let’s have that ramyeon.” he says with a kind voice.

You didn’t realize you’d been holding your breath till you let it out and give him a relieved smile.

“Great! I’m actually really good at making ramyeon. Don’t be too surprised when all other ramyeons are ruined for you forever.” you say just as the valet brings your car around.

“Honestly, Y/N L/N, after our French cuisine extravaganza, I’m pretty sure I’d thankfully eat sand if you cook it for me well enough.”

You laugh because you’re happy he’s talking again. You get the sudden urge to hug him, because you’re thankful he’s giving this date a second chance. You don’t, though. You’re not sure how he’d react and you didn’t want to ruin the moment when it had only just turned around.

So you choose to hop in the car instead, waiting from him to get in and put his seatbelt on. You pause for a moment after he’s settled in and then you turn to him.

“I, uh… I didn’t bring condoms on that day because like, uh, I was expecting anything or whatever. I just, um, my… my roommate. She put it in my purse as like a joke.” you feel so stupid having to explain it but you feel like you need to because ugh, ugh, ugh. 

Renjun is laughing silently and you get the feeling that this time he’s laughing at you. 

“I mean, it was pretty forward for a first date. And you know, I’m not that kinda guy.” He shrugs his shoulders, shaking his head, still laughing. 

“Ughhh.” you bury your face into the steering wheel but it only makes your head honk the horn, which makes you jump. 

“Hey…” Renjun reaches out his arm to touch your shoulder and you turn to peak at him, an embarrassed grin on your face. “I’m only kidding. But yes, the quality of my jokes is really going down because now I’m fully starving.”

“Say no more, Huang Renjun.” you say and put the car into drive.

It’s only a five-minute ride and you’re glad for it, because you really, really want to turn this day around. You just couldn’t have your first proper date end on such a sour note. You pull into your building’s garage and silently hope that you had everything you needed to make the perfect ramyeon. With Yeri stress-eating her way to her thesis, your stock would run out way earlier than either of you expected. If that were the case, you would have to very sneakily order some in; you mentally start to calculate how long it would take the grocery app to get you your stuff, given the time of day.

In your planning, you haven’t noticed that the two of you are already in the elevator and it’s Renjun’s voice that brings you back to Earth.

“You live in the penthouse?” he asks.

“Yeah. It was the only place they had available at that time. Super inconvenient. It was hell trying to move all our stuff all the way to the top.” you try to make small talk because the elevator seems to be going on and on. Why did you have to live so far up top? 

“Okay, here we are!” you say as you lead Renjun down the hallway and unlock your door. “Um… do you mind if I like… spray you down? My roommate is kinda really particular about having people in the apartment these days…” you ask apologetically.

“Oh, no, absolutely. Do what you have to do.” Renjun says, a bit absentmindedly. His eyes seem to be going past you and towards your living room. You pray to the heavens that it wasn’t a big mess. You had modelled way too many outfits for Yeri before you had left the house.

“Okay, here you go.” you hand Renjun a pair of lounge shoes as he pulls his mask down. “Close your eyes, please. Yeri made this concoction with Lysol and sanitizer and God knows what else.”

Renjun closes his eyes obediently and stands in a T-pose and you can’t help but smile. By the time you’re spraying him, you’re fully giggling. 

He giggles back and peaks with one eye open “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. You’re just. You look so cute, Huang Renjun!” you almost squeal and fuck, you can’t stop giggling.

“Heyyy!” he groans and grabs the spray bottle from you and aims it at you. You shield your face with the backs of your hands while Renjun attacks you. “I’m not cute, okay? You’re the one that’s cute.”

“Okay, that’s enough! I think I’m as sanitized as I will ever be.” you squeal and start to move away but Renjun grabs your waist and sprays you some more. He’s basically drenching you to death, and it’s just as well, because your breath has once again been caught in your throat. He is close to you, too close. Suddenly, your heart is thumping in your chest and you wonder if he can hear it.

He notices your stillness, looks at you and pauses. Like he can feel the electricity in the air. Everything stills and your throat is dry, because your freaking breath won’t let out. You think you’ve forgotten to breathe; almost as if the Lysol is creeping down your airways. He’s holding your gaze and you can swear he’s moving closer. But your stupid throat won’t stop bothering you.

All of a sudden, your head turns out of it’s own accord and you’re clearing your throat into the abyss. Renjun straightens up, his hand leaving your waist. Dammit. Maybe it was all that damn Lysol that was choking you, after all. 

“Let’s make that ramyeon.” you choke out, turning your back to him and heading in.

“Yep, ramyeon. Lets.” Renjun nods his head like you’ve said the most logical thing in the world. The two of you pretend like nothing even happened.

You lead him into the kitchen. “What would you like to drink? I’ve got soda, beer, soju.” you say as you open your fridge and do a quick inventory.

“I’ll just have a coke.” Renjun says and you nod. You grab a couple of cans and your ice box and set it down for him on the island. 

“Have a seat because what you’re about to witness is pure magic.” you tell him as you grab your apron and suit up to impress the boy in front of you. Renjun runs his fingers through his hair and gives you an expectant smile and your brain choses that exact moment to tell you that your crush is at your place. For the very first time. And the two of you are all alone. You turn around before he can see you blush and you get to work.

“Those are big words, Y/N L/N. I hope you won’t be eating them. I’d much rather have you eat the ramyeon with me.” he snarks as he sits on the barstool on the kitchen island, sipping on his coke. 

“Oh, I just love the cynics of my cooking. There aren’t many of them left in this world, so it’s nice to meet the survivors.” You mean business, so you’ve already tied up your hair and laid down your pots and pans. All the time you’ve spent watching Masterchef auditions has prepared you for this moment. You’ve put the noodles to boil and are already heating up a sauté pan. You throw in mushrooms and look up to see Renjun studying you in amusement.

“Damn, you’re not playing around.” Renjun says and you could bet money that he almost sounds impressed. “Hey, be careful with that.” his tone is one of worry now as he watches you chop up some more vegetables.

“I’m always careful, Huang Renjun.” you say as you work the chef’s knife across the bok choy, peppers, ginger and tofu. You throw them in the pan one by one, trying not to be too distracted by the fact that your crush was worried about you. “Can you handle a bit of heat?” you hold up the spicy sauce that Yeri’s mom would always bring for you. 

“I can handle it.” he cocks an eyebrow and you grin.

“I’ll keep it mild because I don’t wanna take any more food risks today.” you laugh and add some broth to your noodles.

“That’s fair. It smells amazing already so my expectations have really skyrocketed, by the way.” Renjun tells you, licking his lips. 

You grin as you set down two bowls. If the boy didn’t like you after this, then he was probably a really tough cookie to crack. “Honey, you’ve got a big storm comin’.” You mimic as you ladle in the broth over the noodles and start arranging your vegetables in the bowls. You slice your boiled eggs and mutter “Success!” as they come out to be the exact texture you were looking for. You top everything with some sesame oil and sesame seeds. You step back to look at your work. It looked like the most Instagramable bowl of noodles you’d ever created, if you said so yourself. 

You lay some side dishes on the counter then proudly set your creation before the artist. If anyone knew how to appreciate aesthetics, it was probably him. You look up at him, expectant. Waiting for your result.

“Whoa.” is all he says, almost like he’s taken aback.

“I think this might be my magnum opus.” you say, nodding seriously as you sit on the barstool next to him.

“This looks like it came straight from an anime.” Renjun makes an impressed face and picks up his chopsticks. He takes a bite and for a moment says nothing. “Oh my God.” he turns to you.

“Oh my God?” 

“Y/N L/N. You’re gonna have to marry me now. There is no other way around it.” he says deadpan.

You grin and punch the air with both fists like you’ve won a Michelin star, not just the Masterchef audition. “Huang Renjun, I don’t mess about with ramyeon.” You say and begin to eat. Your eyes close as you let out a satisfied moan because yep--you’ve really done well. To be fair, there was a lot riding on it. You had to perform well today, of all days.

You both eat comfortably and deeply, a striking contrast to how you’d eaten at the French restaurant. Renjun gives you more compliments as he eats and you keep grinning like an idiot, heart exploding with joy. At one point, you have to tell yourself to chill out, to not let a boy’s compliments make you feel so validated. But how could you not be on cloud nine when the boy in question is cute as fuck and you’ve just cooked for him for the very first time? So you just smile wide at him and hope he can’t see the hearts in your eyes or the victory in your attitude that you’ve really managed to turn this around. All the awkwardness from earlier seemed to have evaporated. 

“Okay, Y/N L/N. You were right. This is the best ramyeon I’ve ever eaten in my entire life.” he admits and you’re way too happy to see that he’s basically licked his bowl clean. 

“Oh man, Huang Renjun. I thought you were a survivor. But here you are, another cynic that I’ve managed to convert.” you say proudly.

“Yes. Here I am.” he smiles at you. 

And there it is again. The electricity in the air. Because Renjun is holding your gaze and once again, you become much too aware of his proximity. Were your bar stools always this close? Maybe you had to talk to Yeri about remodeling this area. You’re turning toward him and he’s sliding off the stool, his eyes never leaving yours. He comes closer and your heart thumps against your ribcage again. Your mind is clouded by his perfume because he’s so close that your hands find home on his shoulders. You forget to think for a moment; your blood throbbing hot in your ears as he leans in.

“I’m hooome!” 

The two of you jump, your heads turning in the direction of the loud voice. You turn back to look at each other, then you jump away from one another, almost as if the spell has been broken and you’ve realized how close you were and how dumb an idea this was. 

You lament your luck. You can’t believe you’ve been cockblocked out of your first kiss with Renjun by your stupid roommate. 

It was almost a week later that you heard from Renjun again. Not that you hadn’t really talked in between. If sending one another memes over Instagram counted as meaningful communication, then yes, you’d been in contact. But then a couple of days ago, he had texted you more than a full sentence:

“Hey! Remember the 127 party Donghyuck (Haechan) talked about? It’s this Friday. Do you maybe wanna go with me? If you don’t want to hang out with frat boys on your Friday night, I totally understand! We could hang out some other time.”

Sometimes, you really wondered if you had any sort of an inkling of pride within you at all, because you didn’t even wait another second to reply:

“You know I wouldn’t miss a single chance to hang out with Haechan. Text me the address and I’ll be there! (Also, what sort of a party is this? I don’t want to be underdressed like last time hehe.)”

Turned out the 127s were hosting some sort of an outdoor Sports Day, except with drinks a plenty so everyone would be knackered as they played. The setup reminded you of every ill-fated Sports Days you’d ever been to at school, except with a lot more booze than you remembered. The two of you had barely walked into the grounds when Haechan jumped in to greet you with the same unrestrained energy.

“My friends! The Coronial lovers! Mr. Huang Renjun!” Haechan had leaned in to kiss Renjun on the cheek but he had really skillfully dodged it, like he had predicted what he would do. “Ms. Y/N L/N.” your reflexes hadn’t been quite as quick as Renjun’s because you had ended up with a mask covered smooth on your cheek. It made you cringe and laugh at the same time. Haechan had very animatedly told you of all the games they had planned for today and had pushed you in, forcing you to mingle with the rest of the crowd. 

Renjun was currently being swarmed by the group of rowdy boys and you were watching with an amused expression on your face.

“Embarrassing. Some people should just not be let out in public.” you hear a voice just above your shoulder. You turn around and chuckle.

“Hendery. Didn’t think you were the kind to kick it with the 127s.” you chuckle.

“Neither did I. They’re cool I guess. I like Haechan. More people need to be as shameless as him.” he comments, knitting his brows together.

You smile wide. “I like him, too. He really keeps everyone together, doesn’t he?” you muse as you watch the boy work the room (or playground), currently attacking everyone with more cheek kisses. “Hey, who’s that boy over there? The one in the blue-ish shirt?” 

“That’s Kim Jungwoo. He graduated a couple of years ago but he keeps coming to these parties.” Hendery says, scrunching his nose.

You laugh and then let out a long sigh. “I don’t blame him. When I start thinking about life after graduation, it makes me want to fail my courses just so I could repeat them. The future is scary.”

He nods knowingly, then says, “Hey, speaking of which. I heard we’re going to be partners in the SMK Trainee Drive.” 

Suddenly, you feel your belly do a summersault. Whenever your college hosted a recruitment drive, SMK was always the hardest to get in, especially for business majors. Not only was it super competitive, but people dreamed of getting chosen because it almost always guaranteed a job once you had graduated. 

You blow air from your mouth and square your shoulders. “Wong Hendery. Let’s show them how it’s done.” you hold your hand up to give him a high five but he grips your fist with his and puts his game face on.

“We’re going to crush the competition.” He declares and you feel reassured. You felt way more driven with a partner than working solo, anyway.

“Hendery, don’t waste all your arm energy now, save it for the wrestling match!” Haechan interrupts, thumping him on the back. “Go find your team, we’re about to start! 00 liners, this way!” he says, throwing an arm around you and walking to your team. You look over your shoulder and give Hendery a thumbs up. 

You join the 00 liners and look at Renjun amongst them. He looks the most uninhibited you’ve ever seen him. He’s smiling without concern and seems to be enjoying himself. You get the feeling that he’s surrounded by friends he trusts and it fills you with warmth. That boy deserved the world as far as you were concerned. 

“Okay, team. Here we are. The moment of truth. We can sit around like a bunch of shmucks or we can leave this ground knowing that we owned this fucking school! So what are we gonna do?” he yells like a sports coach.

“We’re gonna stop being embarrassing.” Lee Jeno gives Haechan a death smile and Haechan thumps his chest.

“That’s right brother! Okay, first order of business. Everybody take a shot! No one enters the battlefield sober!” He gives his commander’s speech and passes around bottles of something. You’re not sure what it is but it smells strong. 

“Down on 3. 1, 2, 3!” he yells and without thinking, you down whatever you’d been handed. You groan out as it hits and look up to realize that your groans are harmonizing with the others. 

“Ohhhh yes! Now we’re ready! Okay, second order of business. We need an entrance song. I was thinking, Girl’s Generation…” Haechan goes on and you see that it has made Renjun laugh. You laugh along as Haechan makes the team learn the cheesiest dance moves. A boy in a headband you’ve never met seems to be fully into it; a few girls seem to be tagging along amused. Na Jaemin looks like he’s humoring his friends at best.

“Okay! Let’s get ittttt!” Haechan drags the last part and leads the charge towards the center of the ground for an arm wrestling battle. There is excitement in the air now, and you have a feeling that it has less to do with the match itself and more to do with whatever liquid courage Haechan had injected in everybody’s veins. You find yourself walking at pace with Na Jaemin.

“You doing alright there, buddy?” you ask him because the poor boy looks like he was once again dragged out here.

He gives you a kind smile “Yep. I’m all good.”

“Not really your scene, huh?” you ask empathetically.

“I mean, I’d much rather stay indoors but Jeno said I needed some fresh air. Renjun was going to stay in with me but he betrayed me last minute by deciding to be social.” He notes, throwing some kind of a look your way.

You give him an apologetic grimace. “Oh man, I’m sorry for ruining your plans. But where’s your girlfriend? Why didn’t you invite her?” 

“She’s quarantining.” he tells you patiently.

“Oh no! Is she okay?” you look at him, almost stopping in your tracks.

“She says she’s mostly all the way okay now, though she still doesn’t have her sense of smell back. But I guess any day now.” he nods, looking ahead.

You look at this profile and your heart goes out to him. “Hey, I know of a place that’s making these really cute care packages for people that have been affected. They’ve got a super safe system of delivery as well. I can hook you up if you like. They’ve got the cutest things for you to choose from.” 

He looks at you and gives you a genuine smile. “That would be great. She’s probably tired of all the soup I’ve been leaving at her doorstep.”

You give him a fond look. “Okay, cool. I’ll help you put it together and everything.”

“Thanks, Y/N.” he says before you are interrupted by a loud cheer because the first match has begun and it’s between the boy with the headband and someone else you don’t recognize. The match doesn’t last a full two seconds before the boy with the headband is defeated. Haechan plays up looking crestfallen and “lunges” at the opponent but is playfully stopped by Renjun and the defeated boy. You throw your head back and laugh out loud. You were maybe enjoying these dramatic antics a little too much, but also, it was nice to see Renjun letting loose like that.

Haechan is up next and is defeated just as quickly and you soon realize your team stood no chance. A couple more boys from your team go next and it’s a bloodbath. No matter how much you cheer your teammates on, they’re dropping like flies. By the time Na Jaemin walks up to the stand, you’ve all pretty much accepted your fate. 

But then. Jaemin’s arm slowly starts crossing over the midline and then the 00 liners are on their toes jumping up and down, cheering on top of their lungs and before you know it, Jaemin has earned you guys your first victory.

“Go Nana!” you hear people scream followed by a chanting of “Superstar! Superstar!” 

You cheer along and watch as Jaemin-the-dark-horse defeats two more opponents in a row. And when he earns yet another victory, the 00 liners are going berserk, with Haechan yelling “Victory shots!” making you guys chug down whatever drinks you’re holding. But that becomes your undoing because Jaemin finally loses to Lee Mark, a senior boy.

A few girls from each team have their go and there’s an uproar when it’s pointed out that the boys were letting them win. It’s a loud, drunken commotion now and you don’t realize it is Rejun’s turn till Haechan points it out for you and much to your amusement, he’s up against Hendery.

“Go Renjun! I believe in you!” you cheer at him as he takes his place.

“Go Injuniee!” Haechan yells and you all watch for a moment with bated breath; but as soon as the match begins, you’re all doubling over, laughing. Renjun is no match for Hendery and he knows it, which is why he’s taken the opportunity to turn this into a comedy show. You laugh as Renjun hangs onto Hendery’s arm and wiggles his legs animatedly. But Hendery holds his ground well and let’s Renjun put on a show for everyone before he puts some girth in his hold and flattens Renjun out in one. Renjun walks back defeated and you welcome him back just as dramatically, like he’s a soldier returning from war.

“You did well, Injunie.” you put an arm around him and tell him and he grins at you before he is swarmed by the rest of your team. Your opponents are declared the winners but you guys do your Girl’s Generation dance anyway and take more victory shots.

You guys have no idea how you make it through the rest of the day because by the time you’re on your last game (a strange relay race that involves complicated costumes and eating donuts hanging from strings), you’re stumbling and being rowdier than usual. You’re yelling at one another, trying to get Yangyang (as you’ve learnt is the name of the boy in the headband) in his many legged costume but it is more complicated than usual because none of you are in your right mind. You, in fact, don’t remember the last time you got this drunk... Yeri would be proud. 

There is more commotion and many more arguments over what the actual finish line is, because by the end, even the self-appointed referees are knackered beyond belief. You don’t know how it happens but all of a sudden, Kim Jungwoo has been declared the winner of tonight, though all the games you played were in teams. But this funny result is agreeable to everyone because Jungwoo is being tossed in the air and being presented with a mini beer keg. Turns out, there wasn’t much that college students wouldn’t celebrate... if you’d put enough drink in them.

You find yourself jumping up and down along with the rest and you don’t realize that you’ve stumbled till Renjun catches you and you’re smiling at him so widely. You’re pretty sure your face is flushed a bright, drunk color because Renjun is looking down at you with an amused smile.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. You alright there?” he asks and you loop your arms around his neck till you’re basically hanging onto him.

“I’m having the best time ever, Injunie.” you tell him but your words are coming out all sloshed so you try to make yourself clear. “Best time. Best time. Why does it sound so funny in my mouth? Best time. Best time.”

Renjun raises his eyebrows but his smile keeps growing. “Okay, time to take you home.”

“Nooo, Injunie, but Haechan was going to show me how to make his death cocktail and I have to help Jaemin make a package for his girlfriend and I’ve made a new friend and her name is Lia and I can’t leave now!” you whine at him, grabbing a fistfull of his hoodie. Damn, why do your words keep sloshing around in your mouth like that?

Renjun loops an arm around your back and starts walking you “Okay, you can just take a quick nap at home and then when you come back you can do all of those things, okay?”

You consider his words and realize that your eyes were droopier than usual. “You’re a genius, Huang Renjun. I guess I could take a little, itsy bitsy nap.”

The next thing you know, you’re in the back of a cab, your head resting on Renjun’s shoulder. He feels so nice and warm and you feel so damn comfortable. You cuddle closer to him and turn your head to look at him just a bit. “I’ve got such a bad crush on you, Huang Renjun.” you tell him and you see his head snap in the direction of your voice and you want to keep talking to him but your eyes are closing again. 

When you wake up in the morning, you have no recollection of how you got back home but Yeri’s making you her hangover tea and telling you how proud of you she was.

Copyright © 2021 NeoCultureTravesty. All rights reserved.

[kuryoomi]

sex before lysol (kuroo x reader)

➸  genre: smut + fluff

➸  pairing: kuroo x reader

➸  word count: 2.5k

a/n: anon requested a secret manager relationship au, but i decided to take it a step further !! also, consider this smut fic my apology for not publishing in monthsㅡ aha. okay, bye and enjoy !!

➸  summary: the team couldn’t care less whether or not you dated their volleyball captain. the only problem is, the storage room that smells like it’s been fucked in.

one year.

it had been approximately one year since you became nekoma’s volleyball team manager.

and five months since you’ve started dating kuroo tetsurou.

when word got out that you were in a secret relationship with nekoma’s volleyball captain, nobody was surprised. in fact, everyone had expected it to happen eventually.

“it was kind of obvious.” kenma had bluntly stated while focusing on his nintendo switch.

“we could see the way you two stared at each other during practice.” yaku added, playful disgust showing up on his face, “all lovey dovey.”

“not to mention how kuroo-san acted when i hugged (y/n).” lev stated, shaking his head with arms crossed, “i thought i was dead afterwards for sure.”

you nervously laughed at their comments, fingers fidgeting together, “so, you guys don’t mind?” even though you knew they wouldn’t judge, you couldn’t help but be anxious of their reply.

“of course they don’t mind!” kuroo scoffed before pulling you closer to him by the waist, “who i date is none of their concern.” he leaned his head down to place a kiss against your forehead, easing your nerves.

kai laughed before nodding his head, “don’t be so apologetic, (y/n). we wouldn’t want kuroo to date anyone else! you’re the only one who can keep him under control, after all. well, besides kenma.”

kenma glanced up from his game screen, fingers still moving on the controls (god knows how), “that is true.”

yaku gave you a thumbs up, “just don’t get all lovey dovey during practice. i don’t know how much my stomach can handle it.” he shuddered.

“of course!” you giggled at yaku’s comment and beamed brightly, thankful for the support from your friends, “i definitely won’t mix in relationship with my job!”

ㅡ

well.

that’s what you had said before.

“tetsu..” was the first thing you muttered as his large hands found their way around your waist, enclosing your body with a back hug.

“yes, baby?” his reply whispered into your ear, automatically sending butterflies through your stomach in a rushed manner.

baby was such a simple, yet powerful nickname.

with the volleyball still tightly grasped in your hands, you inhaled deeply before continuing your sentence, “could you please go out there and help the others clean up? we have a chemistry test tomorrow, and i would like to go home to study as soon as possible.”

ignoring your pleas, your boyfriend hummed quietly while his slender fingers crept up under your chin, grabbing your face gently towards his direction. your eyes met with each other’s and you could see a hint of endearing lust resonating in his dark orbs. warmth gradually crept up on your face before you shook your head.

kuroo chuckled and you internally cursed at yourself for almost being distracted by his laugh.

it was safe to say that he knew you weren’t particularly fond of displaying physical affection, but that didn’t stop him. he didn’t care.

teasing you was all part of the fun in this relationship.

“why?” his warm breath tickled against your skin as small kisses trailed down your cheek, past your neck, and onto your collarbone, “i’d rather spend time in here with you.” 

you shook her head, “because tetsu, you’re the captain. you have responsibilities. andㅡ ah!”

while you were talking, his hands had slipped themselves past your shirt and onto your skin, his fingers gently caressing your stomach before sliding up to tease your breasts through your bra. 

“responsibilities?” an eyebrow quirked up while his voice muttered against your collarbone, “i don’t feel like taking responsibility of anything except you right now.” 

his finger were cold against your bare skin and your body was close enough for him to breathe on your collarbone. needless to say, you were pressed up against him and your heart was pounding like crazy.

“mm, your heart’s beating pretty fast,” another chuckle escaped his lips and you shook your head before playfully jabbing his stomach with your elbow. no matter how much he made your knees wobble, you weren’t giving in right now.

no way.

“tetsu.. the faster we clean up, the faster we’ll be able to go back home..” swiftly, you turned around so that your chest pressed up against his. your eyes were round at this point, an almost pleading look taking over your face, “please?”

kuroo inhaled sharply. 

why did you have to be so cute?

“you’re adorable, aren’t you?” he mumbled in ear one last time before clashing his lips onto yours, hungrily. startled by the sudden kiss, your hands dropped the volleyball that you were once holding and a small moan escaped your lips. you could feel his body press harder against yours, backing you up against the wall behind you.

you knew exactly where this was heading. 

“b-babe. everyone’s still outside!” you panted in between the kiss, hopeful that’d he’d cease his movements.

but it didn’t stop him.

“they’re too busy fooling around, (y/n).” he breathed into your ear, leaving shivers down your spine while his hot breath left you longing for more, “just be a good girl for me, will you?”

his lips crashed into you hungrily once more. you could feel his hand snaking around your body, feeling your every curve. one hand entangled around your hair and you gasped for breath. kuroo took advantage of this and snaked his tongue inside your mouth, claiming your lips to be his. he explored every inch of your mouth, not leaving a centimeter go by unnoticed.

you felt saliva drip down your lips and down your chin as he pulled away. a strand of saliva connected both of your lips together. no matter how many times the two of you had made-out, it always left you by surprise on how skilled he was with his tongue.

before you had time to process anything, his fingers trailed down your body gently. you gasped as a hand groped your left breast, massaging it roughly as if claiming what was his. your shirt was pulled up swiftly, making you bite only the fabric so he could clearly see your body. he unhooked your bra, leaving your upper body completely exposed and your face in heat. he groped you with his fingers- his tongue. he sucked on both your stiff buds, savoring your taste. you trembled beneath him. 

this made him chuckle.

moving on from your breasts, you felt his hand lifting one of your legs upwards to wrap around his waist, exposing the area between your legs even more.

“stay like this, babe.” kuroo smirked, fingers trailing downwards to your lower regions. one hand was placed on your chin, pulling your face up to distract you with a heated kiss as the other slowly undid your zipper-- pulling off your pants to only expose your panties. 

you gasped, only making entrance for his tongue once more. he moved his fingers up and down your clothed nether region, slipping his hand into your panties. you squirmed with each caressing touch he gave you. kuroo outlined your soaking entrance with his index finger, teasing your most sensitive area in your most vulnerable state. 

“you’re already this wet, (y/n)..” he whispered in an amused tone and looked down before licking his lips. slowly, he inserted two fingers inside you, stirring up your insides. widening your eyes, you tightly gripped onto his shoulder to keep your balance from failing. 

with both fingers moving rapidly inside you, he began to skillfully massage your clitoris with his thumb and it took everything inside you to not scream out in pleasure. feeling his fingers pump inside you, you moaned while digging your fingers deeper into his shoulder, your head spinning in pleasure.

you could feel his smirk widen at the way you reacted for him. after a few more thrusts, he ceased his movements completely, yet still keeping his digits inside you.

“t-tetsu!” you panted eagerly, “keep moving your fingers!”

he hummed softly, “are my fingers all you want?” his thumb pressed harder onto your clit, making you flinch.

“demanding as always, aren’t you?”

“ah!” looking up, your eyes met his and you gave him a desperate look, “you know i want more.."

"so?"

"give me more, testu."

in less than a second, kuroo forcefully turned you around so that your chest pressed against the storage wall. yelping softly, you quivered as he yanked both your pants and undergarment down to your ankles, exposing your bare skin to him. he cupped your ass with a hand, watching you struggle to accommodate the position.

both your hands were placed against the wall and your legs were parted just the slightest bit to display your drenched hole. kuroo inhaled sharply at this scene as his hand worked quickly to pull down his volleyball shorts and boxers, uncovering the bulge that had been bothering him for minutes. spitting into his left hand, he grasped his length and gave it a few pumps in preparation. his eyes never left your body, his eyes tracing every curve you had.

you glanced behind, confused by the silence and lack of movement, “babe?”

instantly, a hand wrapped itself around your eyes, depriving your sense of vision in a heartbeat, “h-huh?”

“don’t worry ‘bout it.” you could feel something jab harshly against your hole. 

you felt his hand caressing your inner thighs, making you sigh in content before violently pushing further apart. you were completely vulnerable to his touch, and he liked that.

no, he loved that.

your eyelashes fluttered in anticipation as he teased you for the last time by rubbing his tip against your swollen area. his precum oozed around his tip, the transparent liquid dripping down from the head. you squealed as he pressed the end of his shaft over your wet, sensitive folds. it wasn’t long before your cunt eagerly swallowed something thick and big.

“ah!” your back arched automatically in response to his erection as he rammed the rest of his length inside you. balls deep, he stays still to feel your walls pulse around him as you struggled to get used to his size. a loud moan escaped your lips as you felt his warm body hover closer to your body, his thrusts gradually increasing in tempo.

“fuck, (y/n).” he groaned while thrusting into your body deeper and deeper each second, “you’re tighter than usual.” you could hear his cheeky smile in the tone of his voice.

“s-shut up!” your head tilted upwards when he hit a certain spot, making you choke back the scream building up inside your throat. kuroo noticed this and continue to jam ruthlessly into the same spot repeatedly.

“oh?” he panted in amusement before chuckling between his thrusts, “it’s getting easier to find your pleasure spot, (y/n).” he leaned his head down and sank his teeth inside the nape of your neck before sucking the area of skin. the hand that covered your eyes slowly fell down, granting you with sight once more.

your sweaty bodies clashed against each other, the sound of skin echoing throughout the storage room. kuroo shoved in and out, biting your neck harder and harder each thrust. 

“so good..” you moaned loudly before slapping a hand over your mouth to cover your erotic sounds. 

speeding up his thrusts, kuroo grinned at the comments made by you. he could feel her dripping down his cock and balls, making a mess as he longed for his release. his thrusts were fast, yet calculated and it made you go absolutely insane.

“shit.” your boyfriend muttered under his breath between his groans, hair falling into his eyes and break a sweat. his breathing quickened and his thrusts became more and more intense with each passing second. his length buried deeper inside your cunt, touching your pleasurable spot with ease. pulling apart from your skin, he bit down onto his lower lip as a crease formed between his eyebrows. 

“you feel so fuckin’ good, (y/n).” his compliments made your knees wobble, edging you closer and closer to your release. in mere seconds, a familiar knot formed inside your stomach as your eyes widened.

“tetsu!” back arching further, your mouth was muffled by your hand as you screamed out his name, your muscles clenching together in the force of a powerful orgasm.

in the mist of your release, the faintest sounds of curses mixed in with your name escaped kuroo’s throat as he pulled out from your cunt, rapidly stroking his cock to chase after his own high. panting under his breath, he let out one last groan to signal his release before squirting all over your ass.

heavy panting filled the void of silence as the two of you slowly came down from your euphoric high. you felt small, light kisses trail up and down your back as if worshipping your body. knees weak from sex, you hesitantly turned around to face your boyfriend.

his hair was messy, and his eyes were gleaming with exhaustion and lust. his body was simmering with sweat, which just made his muscles more visible from underneath his volleyball uniform. his face had gone completely red, with bits of saliva on his lips. 

you stared as he ran his fingers through his hair, removing strands from his eyes so he could see better.

“kuroo tetsurou..” awed at the sight of your boyfriend, you mentally cursed yourself for being speechless like an idiot. kuroo took notice of this and chuckled, wrapping both arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him.

“sorry. couldn’t help myself.” he buried his face in the crook of your collarbone, “forgive me?”

internally giggling at his cute actions, you playfully pushed his sweaty body away from you, “okay, fine. you’re forgiven! let’s just be quieter next t-”

a loud knock interrupted your sentence, causing you to jump up in surprise.

“are you guys done yet?”

hand slapped over your mouth at the voice, you looked up at kuroo and he stared back with wide eyes.

shit, kenma!

ㅡ

“i thought you two died.” kenma sauntered into the storage room with equipment in his hands and his volleyball bag over his shoulders, “the others left since you two were taking forever to organize.” 

“ahaha, sorry about that.” you replied nervously, helping him dump all the volleyballs inside the ball cart, “all the equipment's were out of place.”

giving kuroo a side eye, your boyfriend caught your gaze and winked in response before clearing his throat loudly.

“yeah, i think i need to scold lev for shoving everything in here.” kuroo mumbled, as crouched down to swap his volleyball shoes to his regular ones.

“mm, i’ll talk to lev about it tomorrow.” kenma replied unenthusiastically before placing his bag on the floor. unzipping the bigger pocket, he reached in to pull out a can of lysol before shaking it.

much to your bewilderment, he started to calmly spray the entire storage room with his single can of lysol. the scent of lemon resonated throughout the area, catching kuroo’s attention from his shoes. 

“um, kenma.” kuroo’s eyebrow quirked up in confusion as he stood up, the same look on your face as well, “what are you spraying?”

“lysol.” kenma replied bluntly, his arm waving around to spray each and every corner of the storage room, “wouldn’t want it to smell like sex for tomorrow.”

[from-a-reckless-writer]

wrote a thing.

She is sitting behind you; back propped up against the harsh cement wall the double-deck is pushed against. She isn’t wearing her shirt, merely draped it over her frame. She is like this with you. Always partially naked, almost always bare but never completely. A sleeping short but no bra, there; grinding on your thigh with only a tank top and no underwear, here; and now, chest bare with only a shirt draped over.

You hear rustling and you know she is reaching for the pack of cigarettes and lighter on the head of the bed.

You are proven right.

You hear the flicker of the flames and the string of cigarette smoke climbs into your nostrils. You lace your shoes first before even wearing a bra. The first time you did this in front of her she laughed at you.

Shoes first before a bra? If you hadn’t just fucked my brains out I’d have half a mind to call you a psychopath.

She always smokes the same brand of cigarette. The ones whose sticks are black, as if a premonition of the blackening of her lungs if she keeps at it. It is always the one with the menthol aftertaste.

“Do you always have to have cigarettes after sex?”

“They're called stimulants for good reason you know? And besides…”

She trails off and it irritates you, because her trailing off means that she knows you’re thinking the same thing; implies that with you, she doesn’t feel the need to finish her words out loud because she is all too aware that you have already finished the sentence in your head.

It is most irksome.

“Besides what?” You spit out, even though you already know the answer; even though you know that she knows you know.

“Besides,” she drawls, and even with your back to her, you know there is a puff of smoke around that one word.

“You like the taste.”

You feel liquid fire running in your veins. Of course, that’s what she would say. That’s what you were thinking of, wasn’t it?

“They’re bad for you.”

You hook the clasps of your bra together.

“Mm. Like how I’m bad for you?”

“Fuck you.”

“You just did, baby.”

******

There is no love there, you think as you wait for a cab below her apartment.

Above, you know she is listening to the trashy music you know she doesn’t really like but always listens to. You hate that you don’t know the reason why she does this. You hate that she always seems to know more about you, than you about her.

You imagine what she does when she’s alone in her apartment.

In that cramped space of a studio apartment, where the kitchen faces the door of the bathroom and the bedroom is three steps away from said kitchen. The one place you’re sure would always be burned to the back of your lids till the day you die.

It’s yellow walls eternally living in the gray matter of your brain. It has embedded itself there, along with the image of her spread open for you each time and every time.

You raise your hand to hail a cab. A car stops in front of you, you look up one last time.

There’s the silhouette of a woman behind the curtains.

You leave.

******

The city rolls past your windows. Manila in the middle of the night feels like a neon lucid dream. Well, it is, if you look past the homeless children in the streets and the rows of carton boxes inhabited by cold bodies on the sidewalk.

You think about her and how cold the metal frame of a double-deck feels at night. You never ask about the person who used to occupy the top part of the deck. You don’t ask about how there is a whole drawer of clothes that she doesn’t touch.

You don’t ask and she doesn’t answer.

It’s always been like that between you, hasn’t it? An eye for an eye. A tit for tat. What you give is what you get.

The entire taxi smells like orange Lysol and you suppress a gag reflex. It gives you a headache. But the pain of it is nothing compared to the chasm inside your chest.

It’s been getting bigger and bigger, wider and wider, you notice. The gap always increases whenever you decide to lace your shoes and hail a cab.

You ignore it.

******

She doesn’t call you, the next Friday.

It’s not the first time she failed to call. Often, it’s a work thing or a university thing...or both.

She’ll call the next evening; always eager to fuck off the stress the prior day has inevitably brought.

She wouldn’t even bother with foreplay on days like those. It’s fine by you. You’re more than happy to get down and get to work.

You’ve always been an efficient employee after all.

Because that’s it, isn’t it? This is just a contract between the two of you. If you need an itch scratched, you'll dial the familiar number and she'll show up on your doorstep and the next minute her hands would be down your pants and vice versa.

It works. It’s fine.

But then, she doesn’t call.

Not during that Friday night and not during the next evening and before you know it, a whole weekend passes by.

You find your hand on her doorknob on Monday morning.

******

She slams the door in your face the moment she realizes you’re behind it.

You pound your fist on the locked door three times, twist the knob roughly for good measure.

“Tangina, just let me in.”

You hate how fucking needy you sound.

******

You wake up falling backwards, the back of your head hitting the bone of her legs painfully.

“Aw. Pucha, what the-”

You look up and there she is, looking down on you and then she is muttering under her breath.

“Idiot. Who fucking waits outside somebody’s door?”

You scramble to your feet.

You embrace her. Tightly. It surprises you both. You hear the breath get whooshed out of her lungs.

You feel her stop fighting against the hug. She turns soft. She sobs.

You let your shirt get soaked.

******

You don’t fuck that night.

You hold her instead.

******

You feel nauseous on the ride home again but this time you know it isn’t because of some cheap air freshener.

There is something different churning in your gut. It makes you want to throw up. It’s got to do with the ever widening chasm in your chest and the woman in the studio flat, you think.

No, you don’t think. You know.

You elect to ignore it again.

******

There is a man with his arm around you when you run into each other in the LRT. In the distance you can hear the whistle of a security guard. You can feel the rumble of the oncoming train underneath your feet. Somebody says, Please observe the following for your safety and protection while inside the station...Thank you for patronizing the LRT.

You watch in real time how a nebula dies.

The light bursting, exploding and then blinking out of existence all in the same breath.

“Nice to meet you.”

She extends a hand to the man beside you.

You try not to think about the fact that that same hand had trailed up and down your body not only two nights ago, how those fingers had mapped out every single scar down the back of your thighs, how that hand had cradled your face so softly before even softer lips descended on your own.

“Well, I should probably get going. I’ll let you go now.”

The five words grate against your veins like broken glass atop cement walls grazing trespassing robbers.

You try to crane your neck to follow her disappearing figure.

His arm gets in the way.

******

She doesn’t answer your Friday night call.

And the Saturday morning call.

And the Saturday afternoon call and the evening call.

And the Sunday morning call and the afternoon call and the evening call.

Once again, you find your back against her door on a Monday.

******

She finds you there; sitting stupidly, head thumping repeatedly against the wood.

You scramble to stand up so quickly you almost trip over your own feet.

“Hi.“

—is the most stupid thing to say in the history of stupid things to say.

“You didn’t answer my calls,” you’re quick to add.

“No answer is an answer.”

She jams her keys into the door.

“Yeah, I figured.”

You twiddle your thumbs, eyes cast to the floor.

She opens the door. You follow, naturally.

She takes off her shirt.

“W-what are you doing?”

“Well, isn’t this what you came for? Let’s get it done and over with. The sooner the better, I have an essay deadline tonight.”

“No, I-”

“You what?”

You stare stupidly, mouth closing and opening like a fish, with no words coming out.

“Ano?” She demands, “Wala? Well, if you’re not gonna fuck me I suggest you get out and stop wasting my time. Like I said, I have a deadline tonight.”

You can take the dismissal for what it is.

Or...

You can fight back.

You can call her out on her bullshit.

You can apologize for your stupidity.

You can-

You rush towards her and smash your mouths together harshly.

You make her cum three times that night, her letting out your name in breathy whimpers.

It doesn’t feel satisfying. It just leaves you feeling empty.

She doesn’t smoke after, this time. She just gets out of your arms, pulls out a chair, a charger and her laptop.

She gets to work.

You dress yourself. Shoes first, then bra.

“I’m sorry.”

******

You stop hearing from her.

You know better than to call her non-stop.

No answer is an answer.

******

The apartment is empty when you get there.

The landlord says it’s been empty for two weeks now.

She didn’t leave her future destination nor her new address nor her new number.

She didn’t leave anything behind.

Well, except maybe for…you.

[sebspocketsquare]

Quarantine 5

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (online)

A/N: Heya guys! Here’s part 5, sorry it’s been a little bit. I had some trouble with this one because I really just wanted to get to part 6 LOL. Anyway, i hope you enjoy it! -T

Warnings: Flirting, language, quarantine, feels, fluff

The next morning, a string of texts wakes you. 

It’s J, letting you know his friend will be by in a couple of hours to install your security system and bring by groceries. 

He tells you to double check who’s on the other side of the door before opening it, and informs you that his friend's name is Sam.

Seems simple enough.

You get dressed, deciding to wear something a little nicer than the pajamas you’d been wearing lately. Makeup finds its way to your face and you even manage to brush your hair.

You could at least make yourself look human today, especially since you didn’t know how good of friends J and Sam were.. what if he went right back and told J you looked like you hadn’t bathed in weeks? 

That wouldn’t be good for your blossoming relationship…. friendship? Whatever it was.

You’re getting yourself a glass of water when someone knocks at your door. 

The couch had been moved back to its original position, and you look through the spyhole on your door to find a man standing there in a doctors mask with a backpack and bags of groceries in hand.

“Can I help you?” You ask through the door.

He makes eye contact with you through the spyhole. “I’m Sam, J’s friend. I’m here to install the security system for you?”

That was convincing enough for you. Opening the door, you offer a small smile. “Hi.. I’m uh.. I’m Clair.”

You can’t tell if he’s smiling through the mask, but he makes his way inside and sets the bags on the floor. 

“You mind if I take this off now? I promise I’m not sick.” He motions to the mask and you laugh softly. “No, go ahead. It’s fine. Just uh.. Stay six feet away.”

He removes his mask with a sigh of relief before flashing a pearly smile at you, “I’m Sam. Nice to officially meet you.” He looks familiar for a split second, but you convince yourself you’re merely imagining it.

Sam gets right to work with the install, and you take that time to put away the food and wine he’s brought. It’s too much for just you, it’ll last you months, but with everything that’s going on, you don’t know if you’ll even be ready to leave the house again anytime soon.

You make sure to shoot J a text telling him thank you.

Sam puts a device on each window and in each doorway of your apartment. A keypad is put right by your front door, and a panic button right beside your bed. He helps you set up a 4 digit pin that you’ll need to enter any time you come or go, and shows you how to set the alarm when you go to sleep at night. It’s so simple, but so secure.

J was right. It made you feel better. Safer.

Once everything is completely set up, he pulls a piece of paper from his back pocket and hands it to you. It’s an order form. For your computer and television. You’d made the decision to not let him replace your tablet. He was already doing too much.

“Oh..” is all you can manage to say as you look it over.

Sam chuckles in return, “He um.. he really cares about you, you know..”

Meeting his eyes, you risk asking him a personal question, “What’s your opinion in all of this..? How he feels about me?”

He looks taken back for a moment, but smiles fondly before he answers. “I’ve known him for awhile now, and.. He’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him when he’s talking to you.”

You can’t help but smile at that knowledge.

“And Clair?” 

You meet his gaze one more time.

“I know it’s probably weird for you, that he wants to take care of all of this for you, but.. let him. He’s a good man. He doesn’t have any ulterior motives. He just.. when he cares about someone, he’s all in.”

Your heart warms at his words and you nod slowly.

He smiles again before picking up his backpack and heading for the door. 

“Hey Sam?”

He turns to you just before he’s out the door.

“Tell J I said hi.”

He chuckles and shakes his head, “Will do… and don’t tell him what I said about him being a good man and all that…  he’ll never let me live it down.”

HIM

I know as soon as the system is installed because a crude outline of her apartment appears on my computer screen. 

I set alerts to let me know anytime someone approaches the vicinity, when she leaves and when she sets the alarm for the evening. If she presses the panic button, it alerts the authorities first and then me.

I have to take every precaution to keep her safe. 

I’m closing the window on my computer when Sam returns home. I hear him kick his shoes off and set his bag down before heading straight for the shower. He pokes his head in my room on his way there. “System is installed, also.. damn she is way out of your league.”

His observation makes my heart rate increase. “Wait, what? What does that mean?”

He laughs and shakes his head, leaving it at that as he continues on his way.

I find myself suddenly jealous that he’s gotten to see her with his own eyes and I haven’t.

“You could at least describe her for me!” I call after him, to which he just cackles.

My best friend is an asshole.

HER

You’re sitting on the couch watching random videos on your phone when a new message comes through from J.

[Sarge:] Everything go smooth? :)

You’re sure he already knows the answer, and you’re positive that Sam already told him all about you, but you decide to humor him anyway.

[clairv0yant:] Yes. :) Thank you again for everything.. I really appreciate you. I checked the tracking on the form that he gave me and everything should be here by the end of next week. 

[Sarge:] Doll, I promise you don’t have to thank me. I’m happy to be able to help you out. :) 

[Sarge:] It will be strange not gaming with you every night for a while, but.. We’ll just have to find another way to spend time together.

His words only cause the smile on your face to grow. He’s so sweet. So considerate. So genuine and unfathomably selfless. You weren’t sure what you’d done to earn the affections of such an amazing person.

[Sarge:] By that I mean.. expect phone calls every night ;) 

[clairv0yant:] That sounds perfect to me. :P

xxx

You spent more time on the phone with J over the next week and a half than you’d ever spent in your life. Constantly exchanging texts and making phone calls, but never once asking the other for a photo. Not that you weren’t curious, because you surely were, but you were afraid of what he expected you to be like. Did he already have an image of you in his head? An ideal Clair?

You’d tried to picture him several times, but failed at each attempt. He still remained a mystery to you.

When your new tech finally arrives, you nearly jump out of your skin with joy. You make sure to lysol the holy hell out of the shipping boxes before touching them, and once the product inside is removed and placed in the safety of your apartment, the useless cardboard goes into the recycle bin outside.

It takes you an hour and 45 minutes to get everything set up, but of course as soon as you’ve finished, J is insistent about playing.

It’d been so long, there was no way you were denying him.

You missed it just as much as he did.

“You know what I miss most?” You speak into your mic, keeping your eyes trained on the battle scene happening on the screen before you.

J hums a soft, “hmmm?” in response, trying to keep his focus too.

“Mexican food.”

He can’t help but let out a bark of laughter, obviously shocked at your most missed thing while locked away.

“Mexican food? Really?”

It’s your turn to hum a soft, “Mmmhm”.

He’s quiet for a few moments except for the sound of his keyboard clacking as he fights, determined to win this round.

When the word Victory appears on your screen, he speaks again.

“You know I um..” He pauses, and you can feel his anxiety seeping through the internet connection. “Nevermind, heh..”

“What is it?” The first emotion you feel is concern. What could he not feel comfortable telling you?

“Promise you won’t just laugh at me?”

That’s a promise you know you’ll be able to keep. “Of course, J. What’s up?”

There's a bit of silence on his end, and then you swear you hear his adam's apple bob in his throat in a gulp for courage. “When all of this is over, I.. I’d really like to take you out on a date..”

You’re stunned into silence, thankful that a new game has yet to start.

He must take the quiet as a negative response, because he immediately backtracks.

“I-I mean, that’s stupid right? You wouldn’t go on a date with some guy you met online.. Hell, I could be some cree--”

“I would love to.” You cut him off before he can ramble on too much.

“You-really?” You can hear the smile in his voice and it brings an even bigger smile to yours.

“But only if it’s mexican food.”

He lets out a soft chuckle, the rumbling of the sound making your heart flutter.

“I wish..” He stops himself again, letting out a little sigh, “I wish I knew when that would be though.. When all of this will be over.. I just.. I really want to spend time with you, Clair.”

A new match begins in the game, but you’re so distracted by his confession that you almost miss your window to pick your character.

“We’re spending time together right now, aren’t we?” You joke, but there’s a falter to your voice, a doubt. You know what he really means.

“You know what I mean, I.. I want to be there, with you.”

It’s your turn to exhale a sigh.

“I know what you mean..” A funny image comes to your head, and you find it slipping from your tongue before you can stop yourself. “What would a quarantine date consist of anyway? You sitting on the opposite side of my front door drinking beer, while I sit inside drinking wine?”

He’s silent.

Not even a laugh.

It’s a whole two minutes before he speaks again.

“You know.. That could work.”

TAGS: (I wasnt sure who to tag, so if you dont want to be, I’m sorry!! Just trying to get this out there. ALSO if you wanna be tagged INBOX ME! I tend to miss people in the notes :(  ).  @mindingmyownbusiness​ @plumfondler​  @buckybarnesappreciationsociety​ @loricameback​ @tinaferraldo​ @geminimoonbeamx​  @preserumsteverogers​ @moderapoppins​ @lowkeysebby​ @buckyshattergirl​  @jayattemptstoruletheworld​    @the-observant-fangirl​ @moondancewrites​ @moonbeambucky​ @trinityjadec​  @stevieang​  @bionic-buckyb​ @eyecandybarnes​ @propertyofpoeandbucky​ @promarvelfangirl​ @ballyhoobarnes​ @bucky-plums-barnes​ @cate-lynne​ @witchymarvelspacecase​ @imaginingbucky​ @theimpossibleg1rl​ @babygurl8840 @wonderlandmind4 @buckysthing​ @formulafun​ @curvybihufflepuff​ @fanficsformarvelkillme​  @shadyskit​ @lostinthoughtsandfeelings​ @reading–mermaid @fuckmestan​ @siliverin​ @verygraphicink​ @sallyp-53 @thatsbucknasty​ @steadyphantomcat​ @booktease21 @kiki5283 @lostinspace33 @drayshadow​ @theperditioncrasher​ @mmyepic​ @feelmyroarrrr@alien-beans @heartsaved​ @sideeffectsofyou​ @dreamingofonceuponatime​ @just-a-littlebit-of-everything​ @bluerorjhan​ @tarynsnotokay​ @jamdropx35 @turquoisekokiri​ @pinknerdpanda​​ @starkrobb​ @marvelgirl7​ @unscriptedtimetraveler​ @fangeekkk​ @wonderlandmind4​ @pinkisokay​ @mrsdaamneron​ @rynabarnesrogers​ @wish-i-had-something-better​ @stanning-seb-stan​ @oilersgirl35​ @vaisabu​ @paranoid-borderline-insane​ @bonkywobble​ @vikki-rogue​ @witchymegg​ @a--1--1--3​ @margetastic33​ @stuffandstuff-stuff​

[illinoisadventures]

❄🥺

Send me this ❄, and instead of me talking about MY character I will flail about MY PARTNER'S CHARACTER

All of you characters are so good! Even the ones created to be hated, and those who only make brief appearances!

Dark: A dummy who’s clearly in love, but also a bastard,,, it’s so sweet how much he’s grown, and cares now that he’s been given time. Time to learn that previous things weren’t how they should be too. He has a big heart, even if it spazzes sometimes from just how many thoughts and the pain going on in his head thanks to having the pressure of both Celine and Damien, as well as what’s his ‘own’ thoughts. He’s a perfect fit, with Illinois and Yance, and it shows even more with how with Yanny added Illinois can now relax more and just enjoy being around. Especially as he loves touch, and both Illinois and Yance need it, and Illi especially needed how forward Dark could be with it. Dark is also very pretty, both forms, and just himbo.

Ahperikaar: It’s gone on its own path of development too, seeing as it now isn’t a back burner, and also not just around for its power and or to be messing around. It’s loved, and It certainly shows how wide on occasion it can be, even if there’s still a bunch for it to explore. I think it’s pretty cute, though it is really gonna give Illi a heart attack if it keeps trying to touch the one thing that can hurt it.

Venus: She’s a beautiful girl, though I don’t have too much to say on her. We don’t use her a lot besides for visits, but she does seem pretty kind.

Des: I love this cat man. He’s a doofus and that’s what matters.

Yanny: I love him as much as I love Dark. Yanny is a true sweetheart, even if I still don’t fully get why he’s so keen to let Yance stroll around as he does XD He makes me soft, and it is nice to see when he does decide to give into his more bastard nature that you say is because he’s still a Yancy,,,

Illo: I love him ;-; I know he’s with Eric but I still do,,, also I know it kind of meshes weird, thanks to just how different sides of the nerd spectrum him and Illi is, but I do find it very nice for Illi to not only have someone he can trust to keep up with him, and hopefully hold his own when need be, but also someone he can- when not holding the brain cell and sighing at Illo about to do something dumb and going to stop it just so he can do dumb thing with ‘more tact’- look up to, even if not by much, and get praise from. A brother figure, as close as Illi will ever know, and someone who doesn’t want him romantically or sexually. the two dummies make me soft,,,

Wil: We haven’t used him too much either, but I do find his characterization here interesting,,,

Author: Stinky. Bastard. Rotten. Asshole. I don’t know why I love him— not vbtt him though— but I do. Also he looks very nice in the piccrew of him. Still gonna beat him up though for not finding periods too bad—

Host: A good boy. Softer bastard. I love him and I like how he maintains that balance of being a dumbass but also not Mean. His lap is mine to snuggle on top of,,,

Googles: I don’t really know them much, but I think it was cute he was very happy to see Cure’s oc Lysol,,,

-Illinois’ secretary

[ofmermaidsandmarauders]

quarantine diaries 2020

my submission for the april @jilychallenge! 

check it out on AO3 or FF

Week One, Day Four

“Hey, Lil? Do you know where the backup Lysol wipes are?” James’ voice was muffled due to his head stuck under the washroom sink, searching for said container.

“Yes, you put them in the bathroom closet. Remember? You didn’t want to bang your head on the-” Lily’s voice trailed off as James did just as he had predicted in the previous days, the back of his head smacking on the chestnut door frame. Her soft chuckles filled the space and the sound made him smile, despite the dull throbbing in his skull.

“Riiiiiight.” James moved to the closet and grabbed the wipes, doing another washing of the counters and sink. Lily stood in the doorway with a small smirk on her face as she watched him with amusement settled on her features.

“James, neither of us have used the bathroom since you came in here and did a deep cleaning of the washroom two hours ago. I don’t think this is necessary,” she teased, stepping into the bathroom. Lily stopped after a few steps when James held a hand up to keep her from coming any closer.

“Lily, we must take this virus seriously. They said during the press conference that we must be cleaning every few hours to ensure that things stay clean!” James sounded exasperated as he tossed another wipe into the wastebasket and then stared down his girlfriend. 

“Who said to clean every few hours?” Lily asked, genuinely sounding concerned for this directive.

“The government, Evans! Do you even watch the news?” James pushed past her at this, his eyes rolling back. Lily had to stifle a giggle as she followed him out to the kitchen, knowing that this cleaning routine would continue until he became sick of the scent of bleach products.

Week One, Day Six

 “Hey Lily, do you think I’d look good as a blonde?” James called from the bathroom, turning his head slowly back and forth as he studied his bone structure.

“You’re not dying your hair to look like, Joe Exotic!” Lily yelled back from the kitchen.

“Damn it. Lily said I can’t do it, Sirius,” James muttered, shutting off the fluorescent light as he picked his phone back up. Lily grinned to herself as she heard Sirius swear over Facetime, his plans obviously foiled.

Week Two, Day Three

 “Lily!” James scolded, stepping in front of her from moving any further into their home. “You need to put your clothes in the wash immediately, what are you doing?” He sounded very concerned, pulling his own sweatshirt over his head.

“I’m going to take it off in the bathroom… Where I’m going to go shower… And will put on clean clothes…” She took a few moments to tell him this, not fully understanding his point.

“During the press conference yesterday we were told that we should change our clothes and put them in the wash immediately after coming in from outside. I swear, if it weren’t for me you’d probably be sick by now!” 

“James Potter, you are being ridiculous. We were out in the garden, not interacting with other people.” Lily rolled her eyes and then pulled the sweatshirt over her head, taking her top with it. She couldn’t help but get annoyed with the constant stressors of James and the press conferences, but she understood he was trying to keep them safe.

“Oh… Well, thank you.” James’ cheeks turned pink, despite having seen her naked hundreds of times. He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he cast his gaze down to his feet.

“You won’t catch coronavirus from looking at me, James.” 

“I know, I know. I’m sorry,” he murmured, stepping towards his partner. Lily glanced up at him, the corners of her lips tipping up a fraction.

“I’m just nervous. I don’t want either of us to get sick. It’s week two inside and I feel like I’m already losing my mind. I want to just go back to normal and have our friends over for a board game and movie night. Not that I’m not happy to be stuck inside with you…” His ears tinged pink as he realized he might be offending her. Lily, obviously not offended by the remarks, took a few steps forward and held his face in her palms.

“No touching faces,” James breathed out in a warning, though a smirk spread on his lips after he said it. Lily rolled her eyes and then tipped her own face up to meet his for a brief kiss. “Let’s go wash up.”

Week Three, Day Five

 James spent a few hours perusing social media, abandoning all hopes of working on the new advertising campaign that he was supposed to be developing and was due the following Monday.

“What should we have for lunch?” Lily asked, raising an eyebrow as she entered the spare room and noted James’ slouched position in his chair. She sat down at her own makeshift desk, opening her laptop as she opened Postmates to decide between restaurants.

“Hm?” He murmured, only half registering what she asked.

“I thought we could order in for lunch rather than try to put something together and be only half satisfied. Maybe falafel? Or barbecue?” Lily’s stomach grumbled as she glanced at the pictures from her favorites screen on the delivery app, only to be disappointed to find that the falafel shop was closed.

“What? We can’t order out. What if one of them has the virus? Then we contract it because we ate their food. No, no. I’ll just make us some mac and cheese again, don’t worry about it,” he quickly remarked, waving his hand as if the thought of ordering was absurd. 

“James, I’m not eating mac and cheese for lunch, again. No mac and cheese. No grilled cheese. No ham and cheese. I never thought this would happen but I am so sick of cheese. I just want something satisfying that we don’t have to cook. And the likelihood of us catching the virus because we ordered from a restaurant is so slim. I need you to… Just chill. Okay? I’m ordering us burgers for lunch.” As she clicked through to place their usual meal, she watched James as he huffed a bit, glancing down at his phone a few times. She could see that he had more to say on the matter but was keeping it to himself. “What?” “Well, if we’re ordering I’d prefer falafel.” 

“Too bad, they’re closed for two weeks,” Lily retorted, placing the order before he could say anything else.

“This virus has taken everything from me!”

Week Four, Day Two

 Finding some jolt of productivity, James finished two projects that he had been putting off for some time. At the end of the day, he realized he hadn’t taken the time to watch the daily press conference with coronavirus updates. For a moment, James sat back in his chair and started to freak out. How will he know what the statistics are for cases? How will he know the proper conduct for going out to the store should the need arise? His breathing quickened as he tried to think of all of the unknowns that had occurred.

Then, a follow-up thought occurred. It was the first day in weeks that he hadn’t had a gripe in his stomach as he watched the news, awaiting updates, hearing the death toll rise, wishing the world would go back to normal.

For the first day since quarantine started, James had been able to relax. He had taken the time to focus on his work rather than the impending doom happening outside of his door.

Lily popped into the room just then with a wide smile on her face and a mask in her hand. 

“Up for a walk?” She inquired, waggling her eyebrows as if she had suggested they engage in something much more sinister. Usually James turned down the opportunity for a walk. He was fearful of running into a stranger that would be a carrier without a mask. Instead, he felt motivated today. A walk would do them both some good, even if the mask was a bit difficult to breathe through.

“Let’s go,” he responded, taking the mask from her hand and pressing a kiss to her forehead. At least he had Lily to keep him happy.

Week Five, Day Six

 “I think if I have to stay in this house for another second I am going to go absolutely bonkers!” James exclaimed, slamming his fists on his desk. He was sick of waking up and walking into the other room to go to work, then ending his day and transitioning back to his bedroom. He needed space, freedom to do something.

“As opposed to your usual, calm and stable state of mine?” Lily teased, arching an eyebrow as she walked towards him, her arms outstretched. She placed her hands on his shoulders to try to calm him down. “Hey, it’s okay. Why don’t we go for a walk or something?” She looked outside at the impending storm clouds and chewed on her lower lip. “Or maybe we could go for a drive instead?” 

“No, no. I need to be out. Like, out as in out with friends sitting at a bar and just having a pint. Or wandering aimlessly around the shopping centre until I find a store that I want to go into. I just want normal,” James whined, pressing his chin to the top of Lily’s head, his hands holding her hips. “Why can’t life be normal?” 

“I know, James. It sucks, but life isn’t normal and the best thing we can do is stay home and keep ourselves and others safe.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I can’t absolutely hate it,’ he mumbled beneath his breath, tucking his face into her neck now. “I think if I didn’t have you I would’ve gone insane by week three.”

“James, you wouldn’t have lasted a week.”

Week Six, Day Six

 “Sirius, no. You absolutely are not coming to sit outside my door and talk with me through the glass.”

“Why not? It would be fun. I miss your face, James!” Sirius pleaded over the phone, his handsome face filling the screen. James was adamant that he would not be participating in any social distancing meet-ups. He had read the statistics and knew that neither he nor Sirius had the actual willpower to stay six feet apart from one another. The two were like magnets and would accidentally break the social distancing. It was a risk he was refusing to take.

“You can see my face right now, Sirius. Don’t be ridiculous about this. You can see me when a vaccine has been found,” James told him, a sad smile on his lips. James really did miss his best friend.

“That could be over a year from now, mate. You’re the one being ridiculous about this.” Sirius was stubborn, but James’ anxiety was more stubborn. Sirius knew he was arguing for a losing battle. He wouldn’t be able to change James’ mind. Lily had been checking in with Sirius as well and had been trying to convince James that this would be a good idea, but he had held firm with her too. Even while laying naked in bed, where she was sure she’d be able to change his mind. 

“I know, I know. It sucks. I just…. I can’t risk it. I can’t let either one of us get sick. So we’ll stay here in Godric’s Hollow until it’s safe to go out again. Stay safe.” James waved and then hung up the call, feeling a wave of emotions take hold, ones that he couldn’t specifically identify. He put his head into his hands, taking a few deep breaths as he tried to just figure out what was going on in his head. James felt like he wanted to cry. A hard cry, like one he hadn’t had in years. He felt his eyes fill with tears and he became instantly angry at himself. 

James knew he was privileged. He and Lily both had the opportunity to work from home. None of their friends or family was sick, and they all seemed to be staying inside as well. There was nobody close to them they really needed to worry about, and yet James felt like all he did was worry. He just wanted to give his best friend a hug. It felt so stupid, something they didn’t even do regularly, but he couldn’t help it.

A soft cough came from the doorway, the light creating a halo behind Lily’s head.

“James? Are you alright?” She asked softly, stepping into the room. Lily knew the answer, but asked anyway. Giving him the opportunity to verbalize his thoughts felt important, especially as he had a conflicted look on his face. 

“I’m just being stupid, ignore me.” Despite his flippant tone, James’ hands stretched out to hold hers tightly.

“It’s not stupid. You’re allowed to be sad. And angry. And whatever else you’re feeling. You’ve been such a rock through all of my mood swings. I think you were bound to have one,” Lily reassured him, letting her hand slip from his so that she could massage his scalp.

If he was her rock, she was his lighthouse. She brought light in when he felt dark and brightened his spirits until he felt like he could continue on. 

“I just… I know we’re so lucky to have the privileges we do, but I just wish I worried less about the people I love. There’s no reason to worry, I know that, but I still do.”

Lily sighed and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, wiping under his eyes. “I think it’s absolutely normal to worry. We’re living in the middle of a global pandemic. It’ll be alright. And in the meantime, I’m here for you to share your worries with.” “Y’know, I worry about you most of all, Evans.” His lips quirked up into a small, cupping both of her cheeks.

“I worry about you more,” she teased, letting her lips hover over his for a moment.

“No way. I worry about you most.”

Week Seven, Day Four

 “Lily, NO!” He yelled, holding both of his hands up. “Stay back!” James reached across the counter to grab the Lysol disinfectant spray, holding it up as a weapon between them.

“Wh-what? James! You’re being ridiculous. Help me put the groceries away!” Lily was holding back her laughter, opening random cabinets to put away cans and cereal boxes. 

“We have to stay at least two meters apart at all times! Otherwise I could catch coronavirus if you have it. You could be asymptomatic!” Although his logic would be sound if she was a delivery driver, she was his wife and they had been living together for weeks now. She relayed this information to him again but he refused to listen. “All news organizations report that at least two meters between people, even loved ones, is important to avoid spreading germs!”

“James, you used my toothbrush last week until you could run out to the pharmacy for a replacement after yours fell in the toilet.” She rolled her eyes, pausing as she turned to him. Lily pretended like she was going to launch herself at him from around the island countertop, his eyes widening as he jumped back. “Lily!!” He screamed, the Lysol container flying into the air. He scrambled to catch it but the container fell to the floor with a clang, bouncing as it rolled over to her feet. 

“Hm, it seems I have the disinfectant now. How will you ever protect yourself?” She teased, tossing it back and forth between her hands before she set it on the counter. 

“Stop being ridiculous and put the groceries away.”

“Fine,” James muttered, but not without ensuring there was at least some distance between he and his wife at all times.

Week Eight, Day Four

 One more day and it would be Friday. That’s what he reminded himself as he climbed under the blankets on their large bed. James closed his eyes for a moment, only opening them as Lily joined him in their bed. It had been a long day of working at home, both of them fielding phone calls for their respective roles. He had been grateful when the day was done and they agreed to order in for dinner. 

Reaching over, James pulled Lily closer to his side of the bed. Her nose pressed against his bare chest as she lay silent for a few moments.

“It’s been a rough few weeks, hm?” She whispered, her left hand raising to rest on his cheek, thumb tracing his lower lip.

“Yeah. I know I don’t say it enough, but thank you. Thank you for putting up with me, and loving me, and just being you. I think I’d die without you, Evans,” he murmured softly. His lips pressed a soft kiss to the pad of her thumb before catching her hand in his own, holding it against his chest. 

“No one else I’d rather be stuck in quarantine with.”

[iwillgodownwithbuddie]

To Look After You

Written for Day 2 of @buddietinesweek Also on AO3.

Eddie sighed as he sat on the bathroom floor next to his sick, crying son.  “Hey buddy.  You ready to try to head back to your bed?  I changed your sheets for you.”

This wasn’t how this day was supposed to go.  Eddie was supposed to get Christopher off to school and then go meet Buck for a Valentines lunch since they both had a shift the evening of Valentines Day.  It was supposed to be a romantic afternoon, just the two of them.  Carla was even going to pick Chris up from school so that Eddie and Buck could have more time, just the two of them.  Then Christopher yelled for him at 4 that morning.  The poor kid was crying in his bed, covered in vomit because he hadn’t been able to get up fast enough.  He had gotten Christopher in the shower and helped him rinse off, but just as soon as he was dressed in clean pajamas, Christopher leaned over the toilet and threw up once more.  Once he was sure that Christopher was okay on the bathroom floor, near the toilet just in case, Eddie ran to his son’s room to change the bedding.  Now here they were, sitting on the bathroom floor, waiting for Christopher’s answer.

“I-I think so,” the young boy whispered hoarsely.  

Eddie lifted Christopher up and carried him back to his bedroom.  He tucked him in, and placed a trash can within Christopher’s reach.  “I’ll let your teacher know you’re not going to be there.”

“I’m sorry about your date with Bucky,” Christopher said, sadly.

“You don’t ever have to be sorry for something that is beyond your control,” Eddie assured him.  “Buck will understand.  We’ll have our Valentines another day.  You just focus on getting better.”

Eddie made his way to his own room and picked up his cell phone.  He sent a quick email to Chris’ teacher about school and then sent a quick text to Buck.  “I’m going to have to cancel today.  Chris is sick,” the text read.

He hadn’t expected Buck to immediately text back, but sure enough, his text alert went off.  “Poor kid.  I’ll come over at a more decent hour.  Need anything?”

“I don’t want you to get sick.”

“I’m not worried about that.”

Later that morning, Buck let himself in using the key that Eddie had given him.  He walked in to find Christopher fast asleep on the couch, trashcan nearby.  He looked around to find Eddie in the kitchen, viciously scrubbing all the surfaces that Christopher may have touched.  

“You look like shit,” Buck commented, startling Eddie.

“That might just be the least romantic thing you have ever said to me,” Eddie chuckled.  “I haven’t slept since 4 am.”

Buck smiled.  “Why don’t you go get some sleep?  I’ll disinfect everything and keep an eye on Chris.”

“You don’t have to be here.”

“Yes I do.”  Buck walked around the counter and took Eddie’s hands in his own.  “It’s part of what being a family means.  When he’s sick and you’re dead on your feet, I’m here to help look after you.  Both of you.  I agreed to being a part of this family.  You don’t have to be a single parent anymore Eddie.”

Eddie leaned forward and closed the gap between them.  “I love you.”

Buck smiled, still not used to hearing Eddie tell him those three words.  “I love you, too,” he whispered back.  “Both of you.  So off you go, get in bed and take a nap.  When you wake up, everything will be clean and Chris will still be on the couch.”  With that, Buck practically pushed Eddie out of the kitchen and in the direction of his bedroom.  

Buck busied himself for the next two hours cleaning.  Armed with clorox wipes and lysol spray, Buck made sure everything was clean.  Coffee tables, counters, dining tables, bedroom furniture was all sprayed down and then wiped down as an extra precaution.  Buck noticed the sheets in the washing machine and made sure to move them over to the dryer.  Christopher woke up while Buck was cleaning, but wasn’t sick again.  Buck encouraged the young boy to sip on a Gatorade while he watched The Incredibles.  When Eddie reemerged from his bedroom, he found his son and boyfriend sitting on the sofa watching the movie, and talking to each other.

“Dad said I shouldn’t be,” Christopher began, “But I’m sorry you had to cancel your date.”

“Your dad was right,” Buck said.  “You don’t ever have to be sorry for being sick.  It happens.  I’m just glad that I could help you and your dad.”

“Hey Buck.”

“Yeah, bud?”

Are you and Dad going to get married?”

Buck smiled at the thought of becoming Buckley-Diaz one day.  “Maybe, bud.  We haven’t been dating for very long though.”

Chris smiled.  “I’d like that,” he said.  “Dad’s happier when you’re around.”

“I’m happy when he’s around too.”  Buck looked up to see Eddie standing in the doorway.  “Look who’s up!”  

Eddie walked over to the couch and sat himself next to Buck, swinging an arm around his shoulders.  “Thank you,” he whispered in his boyfriend’s ear.  

“For what?” Buck said, curling into Eddie’s side.

“Being a part of our family.”

[chickennoodlesoupfortae]

Only in my Dreams

p2

A/n - ***** please sign these petitions and donate if you can. I know I am in no way a big creator but I can direct anyone who sees this to help. https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/. *****Please stay safe and I hope you enjoy this.

Summary-Summary- You are a senior in high school balancing work, family, and your love life. But there’s something that pulls you in more and more as the weeks pass by. Why is it that every-night you dream as if it were a memory? Even more puzzling is why Kim Taehyung is there.

Warnings- Slow burn, Angst, cussing 

Word Count- 3.1k

“Y/n-” He choked on air as his whole body stood up. His head hurt beyond belief, the alarm clock burning his sore eyes. “Seven thirty am.” he flopped himself back down knowing the day had started and he’d slept a trying two hours.

He looked at his wall cursing the universe and his oddly specific dreams. He wondered if the girl saying he was the manifestation of her childhood trauma was his way of telling himself something bad happened. He groaned standing up using all his will power to get out of bed.

Quietly he walked through his empty large apartment to get a cup of tea.

“Let me tell you rosie, you are the only person who’s stuck by me. And 

I love you for that.”  he patted his kettle, smiling his boxy smile.  

“One two three.” Hoseok's voice rang through the practice room as he gracefully demonstrated the choreography for their latest song. “With a little more passion this time let’s move onto the thirty second mark and run through to one of three.” 

Five hours of practice were shown on Taehyung's wet forehead as he whipped away the drops falling on his eyes following the lead dancer. He put all his effort into what would hopefully be there last run through.

Hobi clapped signalling the music to be turned off. 

“You guys! We did great.” he smiled from ear to ear looking nothing like the teacher he was ten seconds ago. 

“It never gets easier does it?” Jimin threw his hand over Tae’s shoulder pushing him out of the room.

“I swear they’re making it more and more complicated.” he responded grabbing his bag

“I did not sign up for this.” Yoongi panted out moving past the two maknaes

“Yoongi, don’t leave without me baby.” hobi ran after him leaving the room.

“I told you not to call me that at work.” Taehyung and Jimin could hear their bickering from inside the room. Making them both laugh and shake their heads. 

“Hyung, Let’s get some noodles please.” Jungkook whined, pulling Jimin's hand. 

“Okie kookie let’s go. Tae come on if I have to go so do you.” 

The three of them left. Tae’s head was hurting beyond belief and he felt a wave of exhaustion hit him. He might as well get some dinner before going home and he didn’t mind spending time with his friends. He put on a mask and some glasses heading out the back door so no one would recognize them at a glance. The other two put on some variation of the disguise.

“I know that’s what I said.” Jungkook laughed putting more ramen in his mouth.

“Wait so she really got jealous over a thirst post? Kookie I-” Jimin shook his head taking a sip of his beer.

Taehyung struggled to eat more than three bites of his soup before feeling even more sick.

“hyung are you okay?” Jungkook asked, noticing his demeanor while grabbing his water.

“I don’t really know it must be this dance or something.”  he lied

“You’ll feel better soon. Eat more.” Jimin smiled “That always helps me when I get sick.”

“I haven’t really heard about you today.” Jungkook pulled him into the conversation. “How’s Minji doing?”

“I don’t know she got mad last night and left my apartment. I probably should call her.” he sighed, moving the noodles around in the bowl.

“What happened? That doesn’t sound like her, you both are usually attached at the hip.”

“Nothing really.”

Jimin widened his eyes wanting to know more but not wanting to push him. The air shifted and taehyung knew he had to fix it.

“It was nothing really. Don’t judge me okay?” he was hesitant to share but he also knew that these were some of his best friends.

“Oh we’re getting something good,” Jungkook's eyes lit up, making Jimin kick him under the table. “Ow Jimin-ah.”

Tae laughed for the first time that night making Jimin smile at his little win.

“This is gonna sound weird but-” he sighed out knowing how crazy what he was about to sound. “I keep having these dreams with this girl.” 

“What kind of dreams hyung?” Jungkook lifted his eyebrow insinuating something prompting Jimin to kick him again.

“You’re such a child kookie, now shut up I’m tryna hear.”

“I don’t know that’s the weird part. It’s this girl I’ve never met but she feels so comfortable. I mean her personality or not even that but the way she speaks.”

“What does this have to do with Minji though? If you don’t know her it shouldn’t be a problem.”

“I don’t know her but she told me her name or I was screaming it in my dream. I don’t know how I knew her name but I did.”

“You didn’t hyung,” jungkook put down his chopsticks

“Did you call out her-”

Taehyung slumped down letting his head fall to the table embarrassed.

“Aish- that’s” Jimin bit his tongue not seeing any solutions “If I were her I would’ve left too.”

“I know, I know.” Tae responded

“And you didn’t call her or run after her?” Jungkook pried

“She was so mad and calling me names and-” 

Both of the members lifted up their eyebrows waiting for the next part.

“I didn’t want to.”

“You are calling out another girl's name in your sleep so that’s probably a bad sign.” Jimin put his hand on Tae’s shoulder. “Are you sure you don’t know who she is?”

“At this point I don’t even know.” 

By the time he arrived home he was so exhausted he could pass out. But going to sleep wasn’t as stress relieving as it previously had been. He picked up his phone dialing his girlfriend.

‘ This is Minji, leave a message if you need me’ he could see her smile when he heard the inbox 

“Hey, um-” silence rang through his empty apartment. He’d never noticed how lonely the minimalist design could get. The pale white walls seemed to taunt him with their innocence as the matching countertops screamed with spilled wine stains. “Uh I just wanted to see if you’re okay, and maybe we could get a coffee. I want to speak to you in person.” he hung up the phone going to get lysol wipes. 

“Who spilled this?” he walked over to the stain that looked months old. How had he not noticed its deep contrasting pink in the sea of white. “You are gonna come off. I can sense it, little mystery stain.”

He scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. The poor wipe was in shreds by the time he gave up on lysol. “Alright shit head mystery stain this time I’m bringing out the big guns.” He plopped down a bottle of bleach putting a little bit on the stain. He grabbed gloves and a sponge starting to wipe again. He scrubbed and scrubbed using the coarse side and the soft side again and again. He could see more stains flowing down the counter onto the floor. 

“I’m gonna kill whoever spilled this.” In the back of his mind he was pretty sure it was him who spilled it. The trail led to more and more stains and as much as he scrubbed it wouldn’t lightin. Soon the floor wreaked bleach and he was lucky he didn’t have any neighbors or they would’ve probably been busting down his door.

“God fucking damn it.” he threw the sponge down wiping his forehead which was now covered in sweat. “Stay right there, I’m gonna get something else.” he turned around getting a bucket of water. “You're a dead mystery stain.” he laughed before dropping the bucket. It was gone, everything disappeared. He ran to the sponge to see it completely clean free of any residue. He opened the trash pulling out the ripped wipe to see it clean too. “I’m going crazy.” he stated to himself. “If i go to sleep when I wake up I’ll be sane again. Yep.”

“You’re here.” he felt her arms around his waist pulling him in. He looked around only to find a gilded room with a fireplace burning. It was just like the night before, he couldn’t speak or move he could just see and feel.

“I told you I would come.” his voice responded without thought.

“I didn’t say that.” he tried to say but nothing came out.

“Even when you tell me you’re here it still feels like you’ll be ripped from my arms at any second.” She nuzzled her face into the soft fabric of his shirt. The clothes he was wearing were nothing like he’d seen in real life. It was like wearing a costume but a lot more puffy and royal. 

“My love, when you say such things my heart breaks. I want nothing more than to be in your arms for eternity.” he looked down at her giving her a soft deep kiss.

Taehyung did not know who was speaking or using his body. He was watching as he kissed so lovingly. He could feel the heat of her mouth meeting his and the despretness in her connection. But he could also feel the same hunger from his side. 

Her mouth parted from his. He could feel her nose touching the tip of his own as her eyes stared into him. Did she know it wasn’t him who was controlling his body? Who was this women and why did he desire her touch so much.

“Remember me-”

The scenery changed in your dream moving from the dark warm room into the field again. The grass was still green but small dandelions grew in the place of where you were yesterday. You looked down noticing the change in clothes. You were wearing a virgin white dress that fell to your feet. The sleeves were long and thin allowing for air to blow the puffed sleeves and the skirt of the dress. Your chest was fairly covered though the material was too thin to your liking. You hadn’t noticed the man staring at you making you let out a small yelp.

“Taehyung?”

“Y/n?” he shot back “You must have cursed me.”

“Why would I- you probably cursed me you perv.” you shot back at him

“What why would I- I don’t even know who you are.”

“Alright hot shot I only knew who you were because of my freshman year k-pop phase, don’t flatter yourself.” 

“I’m not that old.” he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Why are you mad? You’re just in my head.” you sighed laying down

“No you’re the one in my head.”

“I did not know my brain could be this powerful.” You sighed feeling the grass in your fingertips.

“That’s because it’s not. You’re in my dream.”

“Sure if it’s your dream make the grass change color.” you toyed with him

“Hm sure.” the grass turned purple. “Hah you see. I’m not crazy.”

You stood up. “Don’t tell me I’m a plus one in someone's mind.” you concentrated trying to change something in this nightmare. The grass died revealing roses. You let out a sigh of relief, this was your dream.

“Okay now go away.” you closed your eyes. You opened them and he was still there. “One more time y/n just concentrate.” you closed your eyes again. You opened them only to see his much taller figure looking down at you.

“Are you done yet?” His eyes are a honey brown that invited you in but his body was a tall wall that held you back.

“Don’t scare me like that.” you sighed “If you’re so real then when you wake up tweet- I can’t leave this up to chance- ahhaah tweet that the sun is blue and the oceans are red. Tag a picture of illegal inhumane fishing practices.” you thought of something specific and unique enough.

He laughed making you frown. “This is no joke fish are dying everyday and god forbid, and I mean god forbid you’re real, at least bring awareness to an issue.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

You woke up in your room standing up to mark another tally on the white board. “Why am i talking to myself in my dreams? Have I gotten that lonely?”

The train was semi crowded today allowing you to get a window seat. Although all you saw were the black walls of the underground it was still nice to have something to look at. It was in these moments your mind felt empty but not in a good way. It was a type of emptiness a car feels when it’s burned it’s last ounce of gas. You looked at your reflection coming in and out of the carts window created by the occasional worker lights that illuminated the underground tunnels. You had so many people who you talked to but it didn’t feel right. There was a darkness that consumed you when you weren’t on autopilot. It made breathing hard and tedious. Everything felt so lonely. It didn’t help that you were having awful dreams.

Seven hours pulled through slowly and it was your last full day of school before graduation. The school up north filled with greenery and elitism was to be your home for the next four years. You being the oldest meant you had to go to the best school to make your parents proud. You didn’t love the idea of going straight into more school but a gap year was as taboo as getting rejected. 

“Goodmorning y/n.” Ren looked tired and worn out. His eyes were puffy and swollen.

“Baby what’s wrong. You look like you’ve been crying.”

He pulled you into a corner where no one could hear the two of you. 

“Y/n,” he put a piece of your hair behind your ear. “I got off the waitlist,” 

You grinned from ear to ear jumping up and down hugging him. This was his dream school. Ever since the two of you met he’d been working towards getting in. It was a prestigious school on the west coast, a school the main character would go to. 

“Oh my god. Ren I’m so happy for you. Drinks on me tonight. Your mom must be so happy ahh-” you could burst with joy and you hugged him.

He pushed you away a little catching you by surprise but you assumed he too was too excited to think. He gave you a smile but his eyes were filled with sadness, tears flooding down his face.

“Baby what’s wrong.”

“I don’t think I can-” 

“You can what?” there was a sense of anger in your voice boiling over. 

“I don’t want to do long distance.” he let out

“I-” you laughed not knowing how to react to your nervous tendencies taking over. “No words ren.” you turned around walking into your classroom.

On the last day of your senior year he broke up with you. Unbelievable was all you could think. You were angry, not that he broke up with you, but that he was doing it now. There were many times when you liked someone else or thought of calling it quits but you never did because you were his best friend and you didn’t want to hurt him. You were his supporter, the person he could call at any time of the night and you’d pick up. How many times had he showed up at your house crying over an argument with his family? Better, how many times had you let him in your arms? Every single time. You were furious. So much energy and time put into someone who would leave as soon as the curtains closed. There was a shock that ran through your body as you realized you were his best friend but he only used you. It was an awful thought but there was an unexpected sense of relief that came with it. Maybe it was time for you too move on too. He’d always been there, now that space was open for you to fill.

“Alright guys-” you snapped back to the end of the year lecture missing half of it in thought.

“Thank you so much. I hope you all continue on to the next pages of your lives.” 

You were met with Rens swollen eyes at the exit of the room.

“Y/n please don’t leave me.” he grabbed you

“Ren, this isn’t healthy. You’re right, this is the beginning of something new. I’m so happy for you even though I hate you right now. You’re still my friend so don’t be too sad.”

“Why don’t you even care y/n? This is hard for me. I didn’t want to but I have too.”

You tried, you tried so hard to be nice. You weren’t an angry person you were above a high school break up. You didn’t even love him but that just made you more angry at yourself for playing house for years. 

“Don’t you get it, I have too.” he combated your silence 

“Where?” you felt your blood rising 

“What?” He gave you an irritatingly confused look.

“Where is the gun to your head? Or is someone bribing you? Because I’m sure you said you have too but it doesn’t seem like anybody but you is making the choice.”

“You’re being petty, it's not like that.” he became defensive, dropping his wounded bird act.

“Ren, honey.” you looked slightly up to hold his gaze better. “I don’t give a fuck, so please just leave me alone. I’ve known you for a long time, that’s it. You’re my longest friend, better my oldest peer. I was there for you-” tears began showing themselves as emotions you didn’t know you had shined through. “You never helped me. It was you you you. And it’s better that it ended the same way. It’s really not me.”

He just stood there not making a sound looking to see your energy falter. He could see you were crying but it wasn’t sadness it was just anger. He turned around to leave.

“Ria and me are still cool you should tell her that.” you called out.

That’s it. This chapter of your life was over. You didn’t say goodbye to anyone. If you really cared about them there wouldn’t be a goodbye in the first place. The train was fairly vacant as the work day wouldn’t be ending for a couple hours. You shuffled quickly to your window seat. You may not even be a character in the book but music and this seat made you feel like the lead. You nodded off a little as the train made its rounds. The wheels meet the tracks hard metal playing the city's song. Before you could be pulled in any further a notification awoke you. 

Twitter ~ BTS_twt tweeted

[purplesurveys]

1034

survey by tater-tots What is a fruit that you might eat in the morning? Hahahaha. That’s a pass for me; I can’t imagine regularly eating fruit at any set time of the day.

Do you enjoy any food combinations that others might consider to be weird? I like to eat fish with mayonnaise, which was always normal in our household but I realized was weird when I first saw the horrified expressions on my friends’ faces when they saw me use the combination. I like mayonnaise with a lot of other foods as well, which a lot of people generally find weird.

What is a green vegetable that you enjoy eating? Broccoli and asparagus.

Name something you might find in a salad. In my salad, you’ll always find tuna sashimi in it heh.

What is your favorite type of sandwich? Anything that’s like an Eggs Benedict or Monte Cristo. 

Which condiment do you use the most often? Mayo, for sure. Banana ketchup too. I also like sriracha sauce but my dad hasn’t been buying a new bottle of it for a while. 

Name a chocolate bar that you enjoy eating. It’s called Whittaker’s - just not sure what country it hails from; maybe Australia? - and I like their peanut butter variant. Google also told me it’s a New Zealander brand.

What is a meat that you do not eat - ever. Dog or cat.

Are you lactose intolerant, or have any other sort of food allergies? I’m mildly lactose intolerant but I ignore it because a lot of my favorite foods use dairy. Other than that, no food allergies.

What was the last food that you burnt your mouth on? Just plain rice, haha. I had been extremely hungry and I just wanted to dig in; but I ended up spitting it back out.

Which brand of soup do you eat? I don’t regularly have soup, much less buy canned brands of it. 

What are some flavors of ice cream that your enjoy? Cookies and cream, mint chocolate, coffee, chocolate chip cookie dough, queso real.

What is the best type of cookie, in your opinion? I like keeping things classic when it comes to cookies, and I’ve always been perfectly happy with chocolate chip cookies :)

Would you rather have popcorn, pretzels, or chips as your salty snack? Chips. I dislike the other two as I only like the softer, doughy version of pretzels.

Have you thought about going on a diet & actually went through with it? No.

--

survey by pinkchocolate

When you woke up today, was there anything on your mind? Kinda. I felt sad and I was aware of it instantly, compared to most days where the sadness will take a while to build.

Who was the last person you interacted with for the first time? Literally speaking, maybe the barista at Starbucks who took my temperature at the entrance before I was let in the store. I interacted with her yesterday.

What colour was the wrapper of the last snack you ate? White. It’s more of a tiny bag than a wrapper, though.

Do you have a favourite mug to drink from? What does it look like? Yeah, I’ve since claimed my mom’s mug for myself. It’s a copper mug with the Starbucks label on it. It looks super minimalist which I appreciate.

What was the last thing you used, that came in a spray can? It was a Lysol spray.

What colour is your favourite bra? Don’t really have one.

Who was the last person you went to for advice about something? I think it was Andi. I’ve been going to them a lot for help, advice, extra sanity, etc. lately. If it hasn’t been for them I probably would’ve left a few months back.

Have you had a deep conversation with anyone lately? Yes. I finally met up with Gab yesterday to discuss a lot things, iron some stuff out, figure out where to go from here.

What was the last compliment you recall receiving from someone? I’m not sure, I haven’t been receiving any.

And the last compliment you gave to someone else? It was most likely a compliment for Andi on how helpful they’ve been to me.

What kind of bread did you eat most recently? Flatbread.

What was the last sound you heard, that you found pleasant? We were watching a mass livestream earlier and I was delighted when they played the closing song.

How many books do you think there are in your house? Take a rough guess. I would guess around 60, the overwhelming bulk of them mine.

Of all the books you own, which do you think has the most pages in it? It would definitely either be Gone with the Wind or Les Miserables, but I’m not sure which one is thicker.

^ And how many pages is that? I checked both of my copies and they’re soooo close – GWTW has 1,440 pages while Les Mis has 1,463.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema? What did you think of it? Knives Out. I went to the mall yesterday and the cinemas were still closed, so it’s not like I’d be able to watch new movies at theatres anyway. Anyway, I’ve been vocal about the movie enough times on my surveys but I didn’t enjoy it. Whodunnits were never my cup of tea, but Gab had wanted to see it and I didn’t want to make her watch the film alone.

In the last book you read, what was the main character's name? Haven’t been reading.

What was the last song you heard, that meant something to you? Lose by Niki.

How many people do you know whose name begins with Z? I can only recall one such person at the moment; it’s one of my mom’s aunts who also doubled as a principal sponsor for my mom and dad’s wedding.

What do you expect to be doing at this time tomorrow? Maybe doing my embroidery (my package finally arrived!!) or surveys or watching Start-Up, because tomorrow will be a holiday :)

--

survey by luckforlemmy

Did you start listening to more Michael Jackson after his death? I can remember that there was definitely a brief period after his death that I caught up with his discography and listened to MJ nearly everyday; I read up on him and his life as well. 11 year old me figured he must’ve been an interesting figure because of the big reception around his death, so I wanted to know the reasons behind it.

When was the last time that you played hide and seek? I can vividly remember the day when Nina and I played hide and seek when the house was newly-built and still devoid of furniture, back in maybe ‘07 or ‘08. I’m fairly certain that was the last time I played hide and seek.

Who was your first celebrity crush, if you can remember? It was a tie between Ashley Tisdale and Zac Efron, though the older I get the more I’ve been convinced that I ‘crushed’ on Zac only because I was surrounded by girls who went crazy over him in school. I’m pretty sure my first real celebrity crush was Ashley, hahaha.

Do you worry about money? Yeah, especially now. I can’t even enjoy my first paycheck because most of it’s gonna go to Christmas presents, but oh well; at least I can finally buy gifts for my loved ones who’ve always gotten me presents.

Have you ever had to beg for a second chance? Kind of, when I was trying to convince Gab to let our relationship have another shot four years ago. Beg is a strong word for what I actually did, though. It was more of me pitching the idea, not begging.

When was the last time that you sent an actual letter through the mail? I don’t think I even ever did that, not even when I was younger and snail mail was still kind of a thing.

Are you excited to return to school? There’s nothing to return to anymore. Unless I decided to take up a post-grad course in the future, I’m done with school.

Do you hate Internet abbreviations? It can just feel a bit jarring when they’re used excessively in a single sentence, but I honestly don’t mind it for the most part. It’s understandable especially now that most, if not all, of my interactions whether personal or for work happen online.

What was the last insult you gave out? I was never really the roasting type of person, not even towards my friends.

What'd you last look up on YouTube? Hahaha I looked up ‘skynwallz.’ I was looking for the episode of Rhett and Link’s vlogs where they painted the rooms of their offices in the color of their entire person – hair, eyes, and skin. They were joking about starting a new business for it called Skynwallz, so that’s what I looked up.

Are you texting someone really awesome right now? No, I prefer to be alone today.

Do you know when to be serious and when you shouldn't be? Er sure, it’s not that hard.

Do you think that you're funny? I like my sense of humor, yeah, but I know it’s not always going to translate to everybody’s tastes. For example, I’m still figuring out the dynamic in the team I was put in at work, so I can’t make the same jokes that I would normally say with my co-interns with whom I have a more comfortable relationship.

Have you ever sent a secret to Post Secret? I don’t know what this is, so no.

What movie do you really want to see in theatres right now? They aren’t showing anything at the moment. A movie I want to see badly, though, is Ammonite.

Have either of your parents shown affection for you today? My mom made breakfast for us, if it counts. She also gives each of her kids a kiss during the peace-giving portion at mass, so there’s that as well.

What's the last thing that you sang out loud? I watched Start Up before this survey and was humming to the song that was being played at the end of the episode. I couldn’t sing along to it because it was in Korean, but I knew the melody so I hummed.

Is there a word that you always misspell? Rhythm is one of my worst enemies for sure. I also have a love-hate relationship with accommodate.

What was the last thing that you bought that someone else benefited from? I met up with Gabie yesterday and bought her her favorite meal from Yabu to break the ice – menchi katsu with brown rice. I originally got mozzarella sticks for myself but when we got to talking, she mentioned her sisters at one point; I remembered how much I miss them, so I gave up my food and told her to just give my food to her sisters since I hadn’t touched it yet anyway.

Has someone ever made you a really great mix CD? Andi gave me one before she made the flight to New Zealand 10 years ago to permanently live there. I believe I still have it, but I’m just not sure where it currently is.

Have you ever been on Omegle.com? Yes, when I was a teenager and it was new.

Did you talk to someone cool there? Not really; most seem to exit our chat after we did the whole asl thing. I also avoided the webcam option because my anxiety for video calls has always been present.

What song reminds you of your best friend? Any song by The Maine.

Who was the last person to hit on you? Some creep on Facebook.

What's on the paper nearest you? It’s the guide for my embroidery kit. It tells me what stitches to do and the colors of thread to use for the different parts of the template I was provided with.

Do you have a set of lyrics that you really love? From Paramore’s Pool: “As if the first cut wasn’t deep enough, I dove in again ‘cause I’m not into giving up Could’ve gotten the same rush from any lover’s touch, But why get used to something new When no one breaks my heart like you” I scream those lyrics every time they come on. I know I often showed the good, shiny side of my relationship on these surveys; but it was very much toxic at a lot of points and those lyrics - and that song - served as a nest for me, something that told me someone understands how I sometimes felt about my own relationship.

Did you get an A in your last English class? I got a 1.25 instead of a perfect 1.00, but I think that’s still equivalent to an A so yes.

What did you last use scissors for? Cutting thread.

Did you ever secretly hate a friend of yours that thought you liked them? That makes me sound shitty lol, but yeah I’ve acted nicely to people I don’t particularly like.

What do you think of when I say "boat"? That episode of Friends where Joey bought himself a boat at an auction; and Canadian accents.

Would you ever get a tattoo sleeve? Nope. I planned on getting one as a teenager, but I grew out of that phase.

Do you know any really fake people? Yep. I think everyone’s got to be at some point.

What does the last blanket you used look like? It’s pink and has multi-colored polka dots on it.

Do you have appreciation for graffiti? Sure, especially if it’s for political purposes (that I agree with).

Why don't you drive? I do. I just have done it a lot less because I have had little need for driving and traveling to places throughout the pandemic.

Does it annoy you when your printer runs out of ink? I think we have the kind of printer that never runs out of ink, but I’m not exactly sure about the terminologies or how the technology works. I let my sister do the printing hahaha.

Have you ever drank anything from a thermos? Yes, mostly water and coffee.

When was the last time you played in the snow? Never.

Do you know any ignorant people? Sure, mostly Gen X-ers and Boomers.

What is the coolest name you've ever heard? Thylane.

What did you last argue with someone about? Relationship stuff. It wasn’t a full-blown argument, but when Gab and I talked yesterday it was natural for us to disagree on a few points.

Is there anyone that you dislike for no real reason? Hmm, I don’t think so. If I feel that strongly about someone, I usually have a reason otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to them.

Have you had a good day? It was okay; it was nice. I got to do my embroidery hoop art thing, got to watch a couple episodes of Start Up, played with Cooper, and now I’m doing these surveys and am planning to continue my embroidery later. It’s nice to feel productive about non-work things :)

Are you going to have a good night? I hope.

[phawareglobal]

Roz Jones - phaware® interview 358

Rosalind Marshall-Jones is an innovative speaker with more than 15 years of experience in the caregiving industry. She is a seasoned health care provider, who runs Jacksonville’s Best Caregivers, an organization that provides short and long-term health care. In this episode, Roz discusses the impact #covid19 has had on home healthcare from anxiety, depression to feelings of isolation. Learn more: thecaregivercafe.net

Hi, I am Roz Jones, I'm the CEO and owner of Jacksonville's Best Caregivers, and we are located in the Sunshine State of Jacksonville, Florida. My company, we are a nonmedical home healthcare business, and we provide four levels of service to your loved one: sitter, homemaker, companion, home health aid, and certified nursing assistant. Our mantra is, "If you can't do it all, you give us a call." Today I just want to talk to you all a little bit about caregiving during #COVID19, what has changed, is anything still the same? As many of us know, it's not the nursing homes that many of our loved ones may be in or may eventually be in, were not built for isolation. So with them being isolated in the nursing home, it's caused many problems. It's caused depression. It's caused anxiety, as well as death. Some people have died from loneliness. So how do we reverse this? How do we make sure that this does not continue on? We have to make sure that either you have to make sure you stay in contact either by phone, or by writing letters, or sending cookies. I'm going to give you a good example, the client that I'm taking care of today, her great nieces and nephews and friends during #COVID19, the children drew pictures, someone baked cookies for her, someone sent her a really nice bottle of scotch. Yes. So they have sent her all kinds of wonderful things to keep her going, and they have called, and that is so important. The isolation, even though it stops the physical contact, you still can contact through letter writing and these other things. So that's part of the way #COVID19 has impacted the nursing homes. Now, so far as doctor's visits, that's another impact, because many of the people living in facilities have doctors come in. Well, now they're doing the telemedicine to where they're doing it over the phone. So the lady that I'm taking care of, we have had to talk to the doctors by phone, and we have actually had to do the actual assessment of her body for the doctor, or for the nurse, or whoever, because either they're not able to get in because they didn't take the #COVID19 test, or they won't come in because of the high risk to the population here in the different facilities. So that's another way #COVID19 has impacted. Also too, #COVID19 has impacted when it comes to advanced directives. Many people did not, during #COVID19, they didn't have their advanced directive. So when it was time to make decisions to move people, they didn't have that information already taken care of, so they didn't know how [the patient] wanted to be treated, do I want a DNR? Do I want to be incubated? These were decisions that were not discussed nor prepared for prior to #COVID19. So now, since #COVID19, you have to sit down and have this conversation. I know people don't want to talk about death and all of this, but it's a conversation that has to be had. There's no way to get around it, none of us can get around it. So make it easy for your family. Have everything in order, your advanced directive, your will, your trust, so that this stuff does not go to probate. Let's not make the courts rich. Let's leave a legacy for your family by getting your life insurance, make sure it's up to date, make sure all of this stuff is taken care of because now #COVID19 is pushing us… is forcing us, to have this conversation that we didn't want to have before. One of my clients, she was supposed to have hip surgery, and for many of any type of major surgeries or minor surgeries, they pushed it back. The reason why they pushed it back was because the hospitals needed either the ventilators or the PPE to take care of people with #COVID19. So that was a priority. So if your surgery was not life-threatening, you had to postpone it. But now since you postpone it, you have to do different things for pre-op, during the surgery, and post-op that you didn't have to do before #COVID19. Also too, during the #COVID19 crisis, we asked people and I beg, "Please, ma'am, please, sir, go and get tested." Not only for your peace of mind, but then to keep the people that you are around, your loved ones, to keep them safe. Not only get the #COVID19 test, but get the antibody test to see if you have had come in contact with someone in the past, or if you currently have it, because the antibodies will tell you instantly whether or not you have been in contact. So those are just some of the ways that #COVID19 has impacted caregiving. And another way it's impacted too, is that going to the grocery store is different. We have to go during non-high peak hours to the grocery store, or they can't go at all and I have to go out and do the shopping, or we have to use Instacart or some of these other shopping companies to bring the food in. Then in some of the facilities, they have cut out dining completely, and they deliver the food to the resident because of #COVID19. Now some of the facilities here in Florida, and I'm not sure about everywhere else, but here in Florida, they are just getting to stage one to where they are allowing them to come back out and have some type of interaction with one another. But for months, for six months, many of us have had to take care of the person inside of the facility, or, I'm blessed with my client, she has a car. So we go out and do what we call field trips or excursions. We ride around the city or we may take a trip. Many of you may be familiar with St. Augustine, so we ride through St. Augustine. We may go somewhere else, but getting out once a week, those are the things that you have to remember when you have a loved one in a facility, and not even at a facility, at your house because of the isolation, get them out of the house. That is so important. Then also too, another thing that we've had to do is Amazon has been huge here in a lot of the facilities. They deliver here at least four or five times a day because they work with Whole Foods, so they bring the food, they deliver undergarments, they deliver the bed pads, medicine, pill boxes, all these types of things that we took for granted that we used to go to the store for, now we've had to alter our shopping because we cannot go out like we used to in the public. Even me as a caregiver, I have had to alter a lot of my life. I, too, only go to the stores here in Jacksonville. They allow essential personnel to come in on Thursday mornings and Friday mornings before anybody else to do shopping, which is nice. So that means that we don't come in contact with the general public that much, other than the employees at the store. I used to take my uniforms to the dry cleaners. I don't do that anymore because I don't know who may or may not have #COVID19 that's cleaning the clothes, so I do everything myself. When I go home, it's a different process. I Lysol my shoes before I come in. I change my clothes in the garage, and I'll wash them separate from everybody else in the house. So #COVID19 has taken a significant impact, not only on the people receiving care, but also on essential employees. I bathe with a different soap. I don't bathe with Dove or Dial. I bought a special surgical soap that I use to make sure that I'm clean. These are the precautions that I take since #COVID19. Then on a weekly basis, I go and get a #COVID19 test. Every week, I have a standing appointment to where I go and get a #COVID19 test. The new normals are, I'm going to give you an example, at the end of our shifts, before I leave out, we have to wipe down the doors with Clorox wipes. All the high touch areas. We make sure that we have it clean, the refrigerator door, the microwave, the toilet seat handle, the guard rails that they pull up with. All of that is things that of course we would clean, but now we clean it more often to reduce the opportunity for #COVID19. So it's a new norm. Are we going to go back to the way we were? No, no, I don't think so. I really doubt it. One of the first things when #COVID19 first came out, the concern was because of my age if I go to the hospital with #COVID19, will they treat me or would they let me die? That was heart clenching for me to hear one of the clients say that. It wasn't even a client, it was just one of the residents, excuse me, walking in the hallway and having a conversation, "Will they treat me or will they let me die because of my age?" So that was the mentality for a lot of them until it started coming out that they're treating the elderly as well as the young, and everybody was being treated the same. But initially when it came out, that was scary. They were saying that we weren't going to treat the elderly and they were going to let them die. That was real scary. Even with the veterans, a lot of them, again, isolation. So we're sending them back through another trauma, it's almost like another war. My parents, my dad is a Vietnam vet. It's been very hard on them because they are so isolated as well. So we haven't even been able to visit my parents. Now, my client here, she's very lucky. We get to go and see her daughter and her granddaughter, but some people aren't that lucky where they get to actually go and see their loved one. But we still take the precautions when we go out and visit. We have the mask. We have the hand sanitizer, we do all of that, but it's important to her. She always says, "I want to see my babies. These are my babies. That's my only grandchild." So we make sure that we take her on a field trip to go see her children, because they're so isolated and they can't get out like they want, they're not coping well. A lot of them have lost weight. A lot of them don't eat. They don't have an appetite. That's when depression sets in. So some of them have had really gone to a deep depression. Now here it is six months later, they're starting to get out, and it's almost like a flower being blossoming that they're able to get out. Just like this weekend, I will make sure that we get out at least two or three times in the next couple of days to make sure that they see each other. That's part of it is to make sure that we try to get back to some, normal way of visiting and some normal way of being able to see family and friends. So those are the things that they don't have. Because when they were able to visit during #COVID19, they had to visit on the other side of a screen or look outside their window to visit with their loved ones. That was horrible. That was horrible. Or they had to do a drive by. With my client, her daughter has done drive-bys, and we've sat outside and spoken from a distance, but that's all we could do. That's all we could do. We are a country of human touch and touch is so important in thriving, and healing, and living. When you lose that touch, they lose a lot of their identity and who they are. So we try our best to make sure that if they can't do a hug and a kiss that at least they can see them, at least from a distance. But now, they're going to allow some hugging and things like that. So hopefully it's going to be a turnaround for a lot of them. This isolation has been horrible. This has been horrible. I can't wait for them to be able to get back out and mingle with their community. These facilities were built for them to be able to still thrive in a community that's similar to what they had when they're at home. And we shut that off for six months. It was like taking six months of their life away. My optimism for 2020, I think we are going to be able to start having more interaction but we have flu season coming up. That's the scary part. So still we have to take those precautions, even in flu season, just remember that. This is not over, so we have two things that's going to butt heads. We have #COVID19 and we have the flu season. Take the same precautions. And get your documentation in order. That's my biggest thing. Please, ma'am, please, sir, sit down with your family members and get your documentation in order, and don't let it go to probate. My name is Roz Jones, and I am aware that I am rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Never miss an episode with the phaware® podcast app. Follow us @phaware on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube & Linkedin Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware #ClinicalTrials

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[icarus-suraki]

Quarantine tag! I was tagged by @cargopantsman

ARE YOU STAYING HOME FROM WORK OR SCHOOL?

I am. I'm a librarian in a public library, so we started shutting things down pretty quickly, based on government closures. At first we were just wiping everything (and I mean everything) down with Lysol wipes multiple times a day, then we were cancelling all programs and storytimes, and then we closed the building. I mean, once the public schools closed, we knew we were going to be swarming with parents and their children and that would just be a recipe for massive infection. Anyway, for a while I had to go in to the (closed) library building with the rest of the staff because no one knew how long the closures would last and we thought, well, we can get some things done in the meantime. We'll shelf-read, we'll check things in, we'll shelve... But then it kept getting worse, the closures were extended, we were all starting to get nervous about being around one another, so now a lot of us (but not all of us) are working from home. We're making a lot of online resource lists and book recommendations for ebooks and helping patrons via email--that sort of thing. I'm rather enjoying it.

IF YOU’RE STAYING HOME, WHO IS THERE WITH YOU?

It's me, a peace lily, and a little chenille chick. O solo me-o.

ARE YOU A HOMEBODY?

Fuck YES, I am. This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I feel extremely guilty about how content I am right now. Don't go out, don't be around people, don't touch each other, stay home... Everyone, from colleagues to therapists, were always on me to "branch out" and "try something new" and "get out more" and "meet new people" and I never did because I never wanted to--but who's laughing now??? It's like my particular house blend of mental illnesses, preferences, and tendencies is the perfect mix for dealing with being in lockdown, quarantine, self-isolation, &c. I genuinely feel like I should be more anxious because I tend to be extremely anxious all the time, but I'm not. I'm actually feeling quite calm, albeit guilty for it. But, like, I'm even stoked about wearing masks in public because I hate my face--and now I get to cover a lot of it up? Fuck yeah, sign me the fuck up! 

AN EVENT THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT GOT CANCELLED?

My one annual thing is the my local hometown anime convention. I've been going since I was about 17, so that's 20 years now (yes, I'm old). And, unfortunately, that got cancelled. At first it was maybe going to be pushed back or rescheduled, but with all the uncertainty of when things can get rolling again, they've just said they'll honor this year's tickets at next year's event. Which is fine, but I'm still having this Pavlovian response to the weather and the springtime leaves: I keep thinking "And soon I'll get to go to..." and then it's like "Oh wait, fuck, I don't get to go this year." It's very hard to turn that response off and it makes me sad each time I remember it's not happening.

WHAT MOVIES HAVE YOU WATCHED RECENTLY?

I suck at watching movies. This is just ADHD life. I'll watch about 15 or 20 minutes and then I'm like "and now I'm bored" and maybe I'll go back to it and maybe I won't. So among the 15 Minute Club are, uh...

What Jack Did (I actually watched all of this because it's short)

Rampant (Korean film more or less about zombies)

Season of the Witch (such good costume design in such a shitty movie)

Robin Hood (Disney, 1973)

I think that's about it?

WHAT SHOWS ARE YOU WATCHING?

None. I'm worse about watching shows than I am about watching movies. Binge-watching? What is that? I just get too bored and restless to watch anything. ADHD life.

WHAT MUSIC ARE YOU LISTENING TO?

It's a real mix. When the weather really flipped into springtime back in late March, I dug up all my old, slightly cringe-worthy "Medieval" music from back when I was a ren fest reject. Just nostalgia, I guess. For a brief period, I was feeling sort of "springtime gothic"--more Bronte than Lugosi, if that makes sense--and had some slightly spooky music going on, especially "The Marble Index" (I seem to be obsessed with that album?). That's about done with now, so I'm not sure what's coming next. Usually I slip into electronica about this time in conjunction with the local anime con, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen.

WHAT ARE YOU READING? Cormac McCarthy, Child of God mostly, though only off and on.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR SELF CARE?

Is that a thing? As far as I'm concerned, this whole situation is the biggest dose of self-care I've ever received. I finally don't feel guilty about being myself. It's like the world is operating on my terms (but at such a cost). Otherwise, uh, taking walks...I guess...?

I suck at tagging anyone. So join in if you want!!

[wildflowerhigh]

overnight (a.i.)

summary: people change overnight, things get strange.

word count: almost some 900 words. yeah, it’s a tiny, tiny fic.

a/n: i wrote this a month or so ago when i really wanted to get back into writing, and at the time i was obsessed with this song called overnight by maggie rogers (go listen to it, it’s a bop). i listened to that song some ten times, and i wrote down the image that was in my head, and i later extended that image into a story (well, kind of). and i thought that maybe i could post something for y’all, since i haven’t posted in ages, so... here ya go. i like it ‘cause it’s pretty descriptive, something that i don’t usually do in my writing, and it was nice to explore that side. hope you guys like it! (ps. no, despite what the title and gif may imply, it’s not a smut fic, it’s actually angst. well, kinda.)

---

the bonnet of the car is cold against the palm of his hands, as he leans back on it, hands behind him. the leather jacket doesn't do much to stop the cold breeze from sending shivers down his spine, and he can feel the wind brush against his face. he could sit inside his car and wait, of course, but he'd rather sit outside. the cold keeps him awake, awaiting. he looks up at the night sky. it's well past bedtime for most of the town - a town he's quite far from right now - and the stars twinkle away, in and out of sight. they're so bright tonight. he focuses on a particular star, but when he sees it moving, a tinier orange light flickering next to it, he realises it's a plane. he wonders where the people in the plane are travelling to, and he hopes they appreciate what they have, and knows that he'll be doing the same soon.

staring at the plane flit across the heavens, ashton feels like he's having an out of body experience. the cold doesn't feel so cold anymore. his mind is completely empty, even the thoughts of his task at hand slipping out of his mind. is this what meditation is? or maybe it's hypothermia. at any rate, he enjoys feeling so free of feeling. 

he's so zoned out, seemingly having found temporary inner peace, that he almost doesn't hear his phone ding with a message. it takes him a few seconds to process it, and he glances over at his phone. when he sees who it's from, he abruptly comes back crashing into his body again. it's from you.

he grabs the phone, and he almost drops it because his fingers have become a bit too numb. he exercises each hand a little until there's blood flowing through them again, before looking at his phone once more. there's four notifications from you. ashton's heart thumps in his chest, as his mind goes into overdrive. it's in absolute contrast to a few moments ago, when he was feeling peaceful. now he's overthinking about whether you're okay, worrying about you.

ashton quickly stops himself before his mind can jump to worst case scenarios about what could have happened. he knows the only way he can know what happened is if he actually sees what you sent. and so he opens it. there's only four short messages, one after the other.

i can't come with you. i'm so sorry, baby i love you  goodbye.

ashton reads it over and over again, until the words lose all meaning. the cold wind feels even more amplified against his skin now, turning it to ice, but he feels like he's on fire inside, as if he's about to explode. it doesn't make any sense. why can't you come? maybe there's someone stopping you, forcing you not to come.

you were supposed to run away with him. well, it isn't really running away when you're both grown adults, but the two of you were done with this claustrophobic town, and you were ready to leave. and he had made plans with you, to drive far away, to start a new life together- plans he had been convinced you wanted in on. but now, here he is, waiting for a girl who is never going to arrive.

ashton jumps onto his feet, unable to handle whatever mess of emotions that were brewing inside him. he throws his phone on the bonnet, and runs his hand through his hair, his eyes going out of focus as the truth of the situation actually hits him. 

you aren't going to come.

ashton sticks both his hands in the pockets of his jeans and stares over the edge of the cliff, which overlooked the city. the lights of each building twinkle, just like the stars. but while looking at the stars had made a feeling of tranquility wash over him, looking at the citylights make him want to throw up. he feels alone, so alone at this moment, and it is sickening.

he realises that the signs had been there all along, signs that he had just chosen to ignore. your hands had stopped ruffling his hair the way they used to, and you had stopped leaning into his touch. the signs were there all along. ashton was just an idiot who wanted to believe that he could have love. so he had let himself believe it.

the realisation doesn't make it any less painful. the wind is blowing a lot harder now, but ashton stays in it, hoping the cold might numb him on the inside too. his thoughts and feelings are a tangled mess of wires, and he is terrible at untangling things. but he manages to get one wire out safely.

there's nothing left for him in this town. he had given it all up for you, and now he had nothing, and he didn't have you either. ashton took a deep breath, his right palm curling into a fist inside his pocket. he turns around slowly and walks back to the driver's side of the car, stopping only to reach over and get his phone. he gets in, starts the car and backs away from the cliff onto the road, and drives away in the opposite direction from the town where everything had changed overnight.

---

(i won’t put my taglist link here because i barely post anyway, and i’m not gonna get your hopes up like that. if you still wanna join though, the link is there in my masterlist.)

@raabiac @damselindistressanu @josierosie @mmxiihood @loti18 @nikkixostan @lysoll

Masterlist

[myycamp]

Guest Blog: To the kids who lost camp...

Dear every kid who lost their summer at camp, 

I see you.

I am as heartbroken as you are, but let me remind you of a few things.

Camp is so much more than the physical place you spend a week or more every summer. Camp is everywhere you want it to be. I have seen that so much more in the last week than ever.

Since I got the dreaded email, cancelling the summer, I have seen camp everywhere. Here’s just a few examples: ⁃ Watching TV, when they started to make up words ⁃ Coloring because I was so bored ⁃ Playing Uno with my mom ⁃ Opening the pantry and seeing a box of Cheez-it’s ⁃ The bottle of Lysol (to go) I had saved for this summer

These may seem like completely random occurrences, and they probably are, but deep down it has meant a lot more to me.

I was looking forward to this summer, more than I ever had before. I was working 8 of the 9 weeks, and I couldn’t wait to spend (virtually) my whole summer at my favorite place in the world. So many of my friends were going to be there all summer with me, and I was excited to see my campers from past summers. My friends and I had been planning our crazy outfits for opening campfire, and our trips to Rabbit Hash. We had been thinking about what units we were gonna work in, and so much more.

Most importantly, we were thinking about how to make this summer perfect for y’all. We do what we do for y’all. You are the reason we work so hard and love our jobs so much.

Now that all has changed. We can’t be together this summer, and I know it’s really hard to understand. I don’t know that I understand it fully either.

For now, let’s make our own “camp.” let’s all work hard to be our “camp selves” every day. Show off how awesome we are, practice all 4 of the core qualities of the YMCA, and make the most of this craziness.

Never forget how much your counselors care about you. We’re your biggest fans, and not just for the week you’re in our cabins. Even though we can’t always keep in touch after summer ends, we want to see you succeed. We’ll always encourage you to follow your biggest dreams. We can’t wait for you to tell us all about it next summer. Here’s to 2021!

Until we can all be together again, this is goodnight and not goodbye Ernst Love, all your camp counselors

[elfnerdherder]

Opus Dei: Chapter 2

[Join the Patreon Squad] [Read on Ao3]

A special thanks to my patrons: @sylarana @evertonem @starlit-catastrophe @frostylicker Duhaunt6, Superlurk, Mendacious Bean, and Laura G! <3

Happy Sunday, all! It’s looking like so long as I wake up on time on Friday, Friday mornings are going to be the times going forward that I post these chapter updates. Slowly but surely getting the groove back. :) Enjoy!

Chapter 2: Clash Center Stage

“I’ve missed our talks.”

Will stared at the ceiling, legs crossed and arms tucked behind his head with a false impression of comfort and ease. He was not comfortable. He was not at ease. Just on the other side of the bars, the devil sat in a chair, too close for orderlies’ comfort and much too close for his comfort. He didn’t voice that, though. Jared sat on the smallest space at the end of the bed, and he swung his legs.

“In truth, every day at four-thirty I open the door to my home expectantly, or I find myself pacing. Dr. Du Maurier tells me that I know precisely where you are, but I seem to be in a position where I refuse to make that my reality.”

There was a leak in one of the pipes at the end of the dreary hall, and it dripped in the silence, a steady beat that timed itself to Will’s heart. He didn’t give any form of acknowledgement, save for the breath he held when he was given the sudden urge to lunge across the cell to see how quickly he could strangle a man.

He dismissed the notion, since the more he lingered on murderous thoughts, the more substantial Garrett Jacob Hobbs seemed to be.

“I have the luxury of trying to refute the fact. Your realities were formed against your will, no matter how ardently you struggled to correct them. Now you are here, and this is your reality.” A beat. "You must hate me."

“Don’t say anything,” Jared Freeman cautioned. He must have known better than Will did about how close he was to screaming. Thankfully, the medicine that’d been politely shoved down his throat kept most of the extreme emotions at bay, tempered with a sweet bliss of chemicals that knew just how to shut a man up.

“Are you so convinced of my guilt that you won't speak at all?” He nodded at Will's silence. “I asked Agent Crawford to investigate me, and he found nothing. I thought it could be some small comfort, but..."

“Steady,” Jared coached.

“You said before your trial that the light of friendship would never reach us. I’m sad to see you hold to such convictions, even now. No matter what happened, you were not in your right mind. Surely that is some comfort to you?”

Down the hall, someone let out a horrendous, terrified scream. Will jolted at the noise, at the suddenness and the terror. Sometimes inmates screamed because they’d had a nightmare, and sometimes they did just for fun. Sometimes, though, an orderly decided they’d had enough, and those screams were the worst sort to hear because no matter how much the inmate begged, no matter how much they prostrated themselves and wept, it changed nothing. Will’s heart thudded, and he listened to the cadence of the sound, weighing it in his ear. This was a scream of the last variety. He knew that sooner or later, he’d sound much the same.

“Can you sleep with the noise?" Hannibal wondered, hushed. "What do you dream?"

Will continued to stare at the ceiling, and it wasn’t until Hannibal left that he rolled over to stare at the wall, trembling. Jared moved from the bed to the wall, and he tapped fingers along it, searching for a weakness.

“Good job,” he coached, and he flickered, wavered. Since the hospital, the presence of his dead classmate had shifted from a solid, physical being to one Will conjured on purpose, one that he shaped into his reality rather than accept it as his reality.

If he was going to kill Hannibal one day, he needed as many psychopaths in his head as he could get.

Will was able to be convinced into a smart phone and tablet bundle rather than the simple flip phone in the corner. It wasn’t so much the talents of the salesperson as it was the remnant of a memory, a girl with dark hair and a crooked smile.

Yeah, pretty sure drug dealers use those. They’re called burner phones.

Then, clothes and shoes, but Alana was more invested in that than Will was. It was hard to be in stores, hard to have the four walls pressed in with no view of the sky. What day was it? What time? Between the plaid shirt section and the denim, he couldn't have said. When it was time to leave, he tossed the shoes from the prison in the garbage by the exit.

Bill Graham no longer lived in Wolf Trap, Virginia. He was found closer to the docks, nestled in some questionable apartments on an odd side of town. It suited him better, the sagging walls of a building best described as moist. Will stared up at it for longer than necessary before heading up the steps to the address written on soft paper.

There was a rumpled, washed but left to dry appearance about Bill Graham when he first opened the door. The machine oil smell hadn't faded in four years, but there was also an undertone of Lemon Pledge and soap. He'd been cleaning.

"Will," he greeted. His voice was sand on marble, scratching in his throat. "Come in, come in."

Will glanced at Alana before he gave a reassuring nod.

"I'll be in touch," she said on the stairs, just to the side of him. "Okay?"

"Thanks, Alana."

She glanced to the yawning door suspiciously before she headed back to her car.

The apartment reeked of the same Lysol stench, as well as food delivery. He followed his dad down a hall of smudged walls and crooked, haphazard photos of Will’s early childhood. The Bill Graham in the wake of his son’s alleged murder spree apparently took care of himself, although he managed to attempt at the sentimental.

Winston bounded around a corner when Will reached the front room, and he fell to his knees to catch him, a laugh springing unbidden as the dog tackled him, tail flailing and breath haggard. Will dug his fingers into his fur, and he didn’t mind a single ounce of slobber that got on his face or shirt in all of the excitement.

“He’s missed you something fierce,” Bill said, easing down onto a couch that'd once been loved fiercely by a cat. “Sometimes he gets out and I find him at the old place like he’s waiting for you.”

“Thank you for watching him,” Will said from among the fluff and lolling tongue.

“Weren’t no trouble,” Bill replied, waving a hand. “He’s a good dog.” Will opened his mouth to remind his father that the old Bill Graham had never wanted the dog, but he stopped himself. The space between them was tense, roughened by words thought but never said, felt but never revealed. Will studied his father’s work boots, then turned and went back to scratching Winston’s sides.

“You’re a good dog,” he informed Winston, and Winston all but crawled onto his lap, tail fwapping against the ground.

“They tried at first to take him back to…to his first family, but they didn’t want him. It was their daughter’s dog, and…they just couldn’t bear to keep him.” Will nodded, sliding his fingers along the dark spots of fur on Winston’s coat, admiring them. Although the circumstances of him finding Winston were grim –he could only assume Hannibal had let the dog escape after he’d killed Cassie Boyle –he wasn’t going to complain. In reality, he was happier to see the dog more than his dad.

“So…you’re out now,” Bill said awkwardly.

“It turns out that when I said I didn’t do it, I was right,” Will said archly. The silence between them bubbled, blistered. Will considered popping it with the tip of the knife, but he didn’t feel like drawing the pus out long enough to fix it. He cleared his throat.

“I still got your stuff,” his father said after a beat. “It’s all in the spare room I got, right by the fishing gear.”

“Thank you,” Will said. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Good hell, Will, you’re my son."

Will let the silence speak for itself on that matter.

“I...I know I was a bad father…" Bill said, and his tone showed just how much he'd practiced this small speech. "I left you to your own devices, always gone and always doing something else. I was so distant, you just…you almost died, you were kidnapped, you were visiting murder scenes for Christ’s sake, and I didn’t know anything until after your arrest. You...you didn't come to me with all of this.”

“I didn’t want you to know."

“And a better dad would have been the first you told when something went wrong,” his father replied earnestly. “I thought I could fix your problems the way I’ve always fixed mine, then I just went and made everything worse.”

“I appreciate that," Will said because he didn't know what else he should really say. Fingers wound tight into the fur.

“I’ve been seeing a therapist,” Bill revealed. “Work had it set up after...after Charlie was found, and since this place has insurance benefits, I can afford the co-pay. I got to know a lot about myself that I didn’t like to find out.”

“You’re seeing a therapist?” Will asked, stunned.

“I have what she’s tentatively calling an identity disorder that crops up with bouts of extreme stress," Bill Graham announced, and it was said with the practice of someone that'd had to practice saying it a lot. "Dissociative Fugue or something like it. She said I’ve also got low serotonin, making me a bit of a depressed slop,” he added. He looked down at the floor between them. “So I’ve been working at that. Doing some side jobs to afford the medication. Getting out more.”

“That’s…big,” Will managed. He wrapped his arms around Winston.

“I figured I’d done enough to make your life miserable, the least I could do is look someone else in the eye and admit it.”

“Has it helped at all?” Will questioned, glancing up to his shoulder.

“It’s letting me know the me that I am when other people see, and I’m trying to fix that. I figured, I can get you a job at the boatyard, and you can take that spare bedroom, and you and I can-”

“I want my own place,” Will all but interrupted, using the pauses between Bill’s words to cut in. “I want my own job, too. I'm going to go to school.”

Bill’s face wrinkled and caved at that, but he nodded all the same.

“Then…I’ll work on building our relationship another way,” he said heavily. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a sorry excuse for a father, Will.”

Will nodded, but there was nothing for him to really say. He had a father, but he had him long after he’d realized that he could do more than just survive without one. When he stood up, Bill helped him load his meager belongings into his truck that magically turned over.

“I’ve been taking care of it,” Bill said, patting the hood. “Got a new starter and renewed the tags for you.”

“Thank you,” Will said honestly. They shook hands, Bill's trembling ever so slightly.

“Don’t be a stranger, son,” he pleaded, glancing from him to Winston secured in the passenger seat. “I…don’t want to be a stranger to you anymore.”

“Okay.” Will nodded, climbing into the truck.

Finding a place to stay was easy. The woman practically threw the rent offer on the table at him a couple of weeks after his release, and if she recognized his face she said nothing about it. She paced in her living room and bemoaned the last tenants who'd ruined her house for good, emphasizing the father that almost always paid late. When Will signed the papers, she didn’t seem to notice that he held the same last name.

“Then apparently that son of his went and hacked some bodies up, and now--" Too late she realized that a lease done could be undone. She glanced at the paperwork between them, then busied herself with drowning his coffee in creamer. "Now you're going to get settled in nicely, I'd say."

“If you hate it so much, maybe in the future I can look into buying it off of you,” he said, sipping on the creamer with a dash of coffee.

When he pulled into the dirt driveway, he sat in the truck with Winston for a bit, drumming his fingers on the wheel. He’d thought –stupidly –that time had the potential to wash away the taste of pennies in his mouth when he looked at the very place where his world fell apart. Time can't wash away associations, though, and the longer he looked, the easier it was to find each place where he'd stood and had his world loosened out from under him.

There was once a time when he thought it’d begun cracking at the edges when Jared Freeman first pulled a gun from his jacket cavalierly to kill their teacher, but that wasn’t the beginning of any sort of end. No, no, now Will could say that the beginning cracks were when a soft, accented voice first pulled him from his daydreams of being the one to pull the trigger. The beginning was when Hannibal had cornered him in the hall and assured him that no matter the turn of mind, Will would one day find him interesting.

How woeful for Hannibal that Will now found him to be quite interesting indeed.

He walked where he once walked, pressed his heels to the dirt where he recalled fainting under the fever of his mind drowning in a blaze of fire. He looked out to the field, staring at the space where he’d found Nicholas Boyle with his insides out, where Hannibal had once grabbed him and pressed hungry, searching lips to Will's. No, no, he’d said, you certainly killed him.

“In this moment, you are at your most beautiful.”

Winston's whine kept him from brooding. He unlocked the door for them both and walked in, making sure to take his time moving about a house that hadn't changed much since he left it last. Thankfully the landlady had cleaned since the investigation.

Unpacking next to nothing was easy, and Will slept on the bed in the living room. He couldn’t quite bring himself to go into the room he’d once slept in. Too many memories of too many people housed their horrors within those walls, and he slept with his back to the hall. In the dead of the night, he imagined hands reaching, stretching beneath the doorway to claim him.

-

Will woke early, and his neck prickled. He couldn't say why he felt the need to tense, but he did, and it was almost like being right back in the cell once again with the light's out; the inmates sometimes screamed in the dark, and it felt like nails were carving curses into your scalp. He blinked, and he stared at the threat of sunrise cutting through the faded, blue curtain.

It wasn't until he actually got up and went to make breakfast a couple of hours later that the feeling returned, a cold dash of adrenaline to the gut, and Jared circled the table, tucking his chin into his palm. "Well, now."

A letter lay in the center of the scuffed and beaten table, the same table he'd once eaten his fair share of Hungry Man meals at years before. His name was written with floral elegance, time and attention to the curves of the letters that only a fountain pen could make. It was warm, having acclimated to the inside of the house; it'd been there awhile now.

He picked it up and pried apart the wax seal on the back, anxiety and excitement coiling about his feet. Be careful, he'd told Alana, as though he hadn't made his fortress from the bones of a warzone. Be careful because the Chesapeake Ripper likes to play games, and it seemed that he was ready to begin.

Welcome home.

-C.R.

-

Will had lied before--many times, but this was one time in particular that mattered.

He hesitated only briefly, standing outside of the door in the backyard of someone else's house a little less than a day later. Tricky hands picked locks, and he did so with the skill of someone not long-practiced, but one that had spent a long time talking to someone long-practiced. Hands mimicked where they supposed they'd once been told to go.

“Naughty,” said Jared beside him, taunting. “You’re being naughty.”

It was imagination now, but once it hadn’t been. Once, he’d thought Jared very, very real. He couldn’t quite put a finger on why he often still imagined him, but he didn’t fight it anymore. In a way, keeping him within the walls of his mind kept him alive towards the end. In a way, some part of him knew that keeping him around upped his survival rate considerably.

Garrett Jacob Hobbs also lurked, but his special brand of psychosis wasn't quite the everyday sort. He only came out when it was necessary, otherwise; Will kept him buried.

He stepped into the house, cool in the early Spring air that still nipped at night and threatened frost. Behind him, Jared wiped his feet, and Will closed the door carefully, quietly.

“You’re going to do this,” Jared murmured, and it’s unclear if it’s an order or a realization.

Will left him in the kitchen and crept farther into the house, drawing the gun that’d sat holstered at the small of his back. It fit in his palm, and there hadn’t been a single hesitation in taking it from his father’s room before he left.

Bill Graham owed him a lot more than that, and Will would bet his whole new chance at life it wasn’t registered. His dad wouldn’t dare report a gun he wasn’t even supposed to have. He wondered if Bill would even bring it up the next time they ran into one another.

If they ran into one another.

The house was draped in as much finery as the one before. Hannibal seemed to have gained an abundance of art since the last time Will stepped through his halls; he spied Saint Sebastian just across from Zeus conquering another victim.

Gods like to feel powerful.

If he’d worried that walking down this space, surrounded by Hannibal’s things, would rattle his resolve, the worry dissolved with each resolute step. This was not the house that haunted his thoughts, imprints of each room rubbed over enough to fade onto the walls of his skull. These walls were foreign, oblong, and thankfully the cracks in the paint didn't house his horrors. He marked them, but he wasn't moved by them.

Hannibal met him at the bottom of the stairs, bat aloft. He must have heard Will walk into the coat rack set by an unfortunate corner, and the sound of his thundering steps filled the otherwise silent house just seconds before he revealed himself. It was a normal reaction to an intruder, and Will met him at the stairwell with the pistol raised and the safety off.

Darkness made a monster of Hannibal, casting violent shadows in the hollows of his cheeks. He turned on the landing of the stairs, flat lips lifted into a snarl, nightrobe garishly clashing with the stair-runner, bat poised for a skull-crushing hit. His teeth still flashed pearly white in the gloom, sharpened incisors meant for tearing flesh.

He had the grace to look utterly surprised for the briefest of moments when he realized just who was breaking into his house in the middle of the night; it was quickly over, and the bat was abandoned as hands were raised in compliant geniality. The expression shuttered, and it was just Will, Hannibal, and the pile of bodies that'd stacked up between them.

Silence sat, limp and crumpled like a fresh corpse. Will added it to the pile, just on top of Abigail Hobbs' accusing eyes.  Raging, screaming inside of his head, Jared begged Will to kill just him already.

“Will,” Hannibal greeted finally, voice coarse.

It was hard to see the expression in his eyes in the darkness, but Will felt something hit hard in his gut at the sound. It clenched, and his grip on the pistol clenched with it. Spit rushed to his mouth, and he swallowed painfully, Adam’s apple bobbing.

“Hannibal."

"I didn't believe it for a moment, but it's actually you."

"In the flesh," said Will. "A bat?"

"I've been told it's the best home defense." Silence again, and Will wished he could have seen the clever expression in Hannibal's eyes then, the irony. What were bats to a killer's hands, to the crafting palms so calm as they removed the eyes from a screaming man to punish him?

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your company so early in the morning?" Hannibal asked. "Have you come to kill me?"

"No."

"To intimidate me," he corrected himself.

"Not possible."

He pondered only a moment, then nodded slowly. If he was afraid, it lay hidden in his smooth expression."Ah...to warn me, then."

"I want you to leave me alone. That's all."

"Oh, that's all?" Hannibal's smile may have seemed kinder in the light. It was hard to tell in the gloom, all incisors and shadows. "You come into my home in the middle of the night to tell me to leave you alone?"

"It's a precaution," Will replied easily. "I see you poking at Jack, and I don't want any part of that. Your reasons for letting me go are not important, and I don't want to be involved."

"You think I'm the reason you're free, and yet you don't want to know why?"

"Should I?"

"Most people would wonder."

Will shrugged. "Not relevant."

"Shouldn't it be?"

"Not to someone that wants to live."

"Says the intruder with the gun held at their suspected cannibalistic murderer," Hannibal sneered, and that time he did bare his teeth. "If I am so dangerous as you think, I wonder you daring to break in and threaten me?"

"To tell you I want no part in whatever it is you're doing. You admire boldness, right? You want to keep poking at Jack Crawford, that's your business, but leave me out of it. "

"You think I'm poking at Jack Crawford?"

"I won't help him," Will assured him. "I don't want to be anywhere near your crime scenes, and that leaves you to your bloody mess and me to my life. "

Time had softened Hannibal's accent, but only slightly. Where some parts had clipped and sharply dug at the words before, now they rolled, gentle. "To a normal man, your words sound...delusional, Will. Having just been released from prison, innocent of crimes you didn't commit, I wonder if you've thought about the repercussions for your actions. What would Dr. Chilton say? Agent Crawford?"

Will didn't quite have a response to that. Something about it stopped his mouth, made him hesitate. His arms were starting to get tired.

"I am a psychiatrist now...should I report these delusions to someone, I wonder if they'd place you in a different institution to help with the trauma." It was subtle, the shift in his voice from pleasantly observant to politely cruel. A beat. "Did they take you off of your medication? Are you having trouble adjusting?"

"Right for the throat," Jared crowed beside them. Then, "shoot him."

"Leave me alone, Hannibal," Will said, ever the warning but also the bait. His voice shook. "I mean it."

"Welcome home, Will," Hannibal replied, sanguine-sweet.

He left Hannibal on the landing, and he slipped out the way he came. His heart had crept ever higher in his throat the longer they spoke, and it sat heavy on his tongue the whole way home.

"Could have killed him," Jared said. "Could have killed him and been done already."

"It has to mean something," Garrett disagreed, and he lingered in the backseat, faded and rotted. "He has to honor him, otherwise it's murder."

[builder051]

Fool me twice, shame on me

Steve hasn’t been called to stand at attention at the side of the road for… he’ll have to do the math to figure out how long.  He’s fairly sure he’s only been ordered to do so twice, and both on that same first day of basic training all those years ago.  In the time since, it’s been more likely that he’s the guy in the towncar the cadets are waiting for.  

Steve feels bad when people make an effort like that for him, even though he’s supposed to feel honored.  But a bunch of ROTC kids with the sun in their eyes doesn’t do anything to boost his confidence.  Or theirs, he assumes.  

He doesn’t have a good reason to go stand out in the driveway when the voice over the facility’s intercom lets everyone in the vicinity know that Happy and Mr. Parker are due to arrive in five minutes.  Steve likes the kid, but in the same vaguely friendly way that he likes Starbucks and Mario Kart.  Maybe he likes all three a little more because they tend to coalesce and happen all at once.

The best excuse he can think of is that he just wants something to do.  That’s what he says with a shrug and embarrassed smile when T’Challa takes in his faded jeans and this morning’s gym tee and asks why Steve’s joining the welcoming committee.

“Why is there a welcoming committee to begin with?” Steve shoots back, then immediately regrets the harshness of the words.  “I mean… You’ve met the kid, right?”

“He’s coming to work on a project with Mr. Stark and my sister,” T’Challa replies.  “They’re already down in the lab.  But Shuri hasn’t met Mr. Parker yet.”

“Ah.”  Steve nods.  “Giving him the ol’ big brother check.”  He never had younger siblings to look out for, and Becca squirmed out from under Bucky’s protective gaze before they hit high school.  He’d manage to keep an eye on Steve, though.  T’Challa’s probably just as astute, and with all the bells and whistles of modern background checks, Steve imagines the kid is already thoroughly investigated.

“Yes,” T’Challa says.  He opens his mouth, probably to ask the requisite oh-so-you-have-siblings question, but a black SUV speeds up the driveway and steals the spotlight.

The back door pops open automatically, and Happy’s voice carries from the driver’s seat.  “Out.  Now.”

A weak cough comes in reply, then, “Ok, ok.”  Wet sneakers scramble for purchase on the pavement, then an ashen-faced teenager gets out, practically swaying on his feet.  “Ugh.”  He wraps the arm that isn’t hugging his backpack tightly around his stomach, then looks at Steve, then quickly at the ground.  His face goes red, then back to white, then to a delicate shade of green.  “Not again.”  

“Huh?”  Steve’s brows furrow.  

He doesn’t have long to wonder, though, for the kid trips off in the direction of the trashcan outside the facility’s front door and promptly buries his head in it.

“Oh.”  Steve recalls the similar outcome of their first meeting.  He quickly drops his gaze away from Peter’s heaving shoulders, only to find T’Challa staring questioningly at him.  “You don’t wanna know.”  Steve shakes his head.

“Why come at all?” T’Challa murmurs.  “For the love of Bast…”

“What does that mean?” Steve asks loudly, capitalizing on the opportunity to change the subject.  “I’ve heard you say that before.”

T’Challa prepares to speak again, but he’s interrupted again.  The driver’s door opens and a portly man emerges, running a few steps toward the hedge separating yard from driveway.  He turns his back, but there’s no mistaking the ragged cough and slurry of runny oatmeal that hits the ground between his polished shoes.

Steve cringes on instinct.  He swallows in sympathy and rubs the stubble on his upper lip.  “Christ…”

“Yeah, that’s…”  T’Challa waves his hand as if filling in the blank.  “Close enough.”

But Steve isn’t listening anymore.  He takes a step toward the car.  He knows full well what he’ll find in the backseat, and he can’t for the life of him think of why he wants to look.  

There really isn’t much to see, just some yellow-brown tinted fluid on the floor mat and the leather seat.  It stinks to high heaven, though, sour and briney.  “Wow,” Steve sighs.  “I never know, is it worse if it’s kids?  Or just always worse if it’s not yours?”

T’Challa doesn’t seem to want to comment.  Steve doesn’t blame him.  He does take a last breath of clean air before reaching into the vehicle and yanking out the floor mat.  He sets it gingerly on the driveway, cracking a manic smile when T’Challa leaps away.

The front door of the facility swings open behind them.  “What the hell?” Tony’s voice asks.  “When you said you were a little sick, I thought you meant, like, tissue sick.  Not…this.”  He stands awkwardly, a foot or so behind Peter, not seeming to want to touch him.  Shuri clings to the door, one rainbow sneaker on either side of the threshold.  

“I’m sorry Mr. Stark,” Peter chokes.  He wipes his mouth on the back of his hand, but simply throws up again.

“Yeah, well…” Tony trails off.  He takes in the rest of the scene, his eyes alighting on Steve, the floor mat, and finally Happy, who’s sheepishly slinking around the side of the building, away from sick under the bushes.  “Great.  This is great.  Just the front I wanted to put up for distinguished guests.”

“Oh, no.  No problem,” T’Challa says, pulling himself together.  “It happens.  Nothing is wrong with your hospitality.”

“Yeah, just, still…”  Tony grits his teeth.  “Hey, sweetheart?” he addresses Shuri.

“I go by your highness, or hey girl,” Shuri corrects.  T’Challa gives her a withering look, which Shuri returns.

“Duly noted.”  Tony starts over, this time without an honorific.  “Do you mind taking Pete inside?”

“Not at all.  It may be a good opportunity to test out the healing nanobots.”  Shuri grins.  She grabs Peter’s elbow, ignoring the scared look on his face, and pulls him through the front door.

“Ok, good.”  Tony lets out a breath.  “I’m going to ignore my head of transport’s, uh, less-than-clean getaway.  That leaves the car.  Which you two should not be cleaning.”

“I’m doing nothing of the sort.”  T’Challa raises his hands.

“Alright.” Tony says.  “Steve?  I have staff to do that.”

“Nobody should have to do this,” Steve says, already feeling bad for whatever cleaning crew will have to deal with the mess.

“Which follows that you should not be doing that.”  Tony jabs a finger at him.  “I have bots, remember?”

“Oh.”  Steve feels his cheeks redden.  He nudges the floor mat with the toe of his shoe.  “So, it’s good to just leave it?”

“Yep.”  Tony holds the door open and jerks his head, inviting T’Challa and Steve to follow him inside.  “Tea?  Coffee?” He grimaces.  “Lysol?”

“No, thank you,” T’Challa says.

“Yeah,” Steve agrees.  “I’m good.”