#and now I'm here wishing i had some healthy way to cope

[bluehairmisfit]

fuck.

[jinnie-ret]

FIC RECS

Ok so someone in my asks box asked me for some fic recommendations and I tried to add some gradually but my asks have been so weird recently so I've had to make a new post for them!

First of all ty anonnie you words were really sweet, I hope you stay healthy too!

Also just to preface I will list sfw and nsfw recs so pls if you are a minor, do not explore the nsfw recommendations, these blogs will most likely have a mdni statement so pls respect that and don't go against that :)

Now, enjoy!

SFW

Enough for you - @mixtape-racha (poly ot8 angst comfort)

We love an angst comfort fic and this is one of my faves. Take caution reading this one and read the content warnings at the top just in case! But this one is simply amazing and I wish I wrote it the end.

The Field Trip - @dreamescapeswriting (Seungmin X reader)

Seungmin and reader are teachers in this and if you follow me you may have seen me reblog this one before bc I love it and want this, also this blog has so many imagines you will be fed for days

Warm blankets - @jiniret-writings (3 parts, hurt comfort poly ot8 x reader)

I felt so emotionally invested in this story when I read it, like I felt readers pain 😭 gorgeous

jack-in-the-box -@junicai (angst, ninth member reader)

Set in kingdom. We hate mnet. Skz are very protective and reader gets the comfort she deserves in the end, love this sm!

@hyunjinsbelovedamericano - lots of headcanons and reaction type fics on their MASTERLIST, give it a look!!

Simptober 2023 - @skz-streamer

Fluff for days!!! pookie rly worked hard on this one so go and show some love because you've got so much to read here

Skz text aus - @channiesbakery

These are so so funny I cannot cope. Also explore the other fluff posts too bc they're really cute!

More text aus - @diddybok

Same goes for this blog too, explore their other stuff!

@hannahhbahng has some rly cute fluffy reads on their masterlist

@hanjiquokkaaa check out their skz reactions! My pookie slays every time

Skz fluff fics - @wooahaes

So much fluff to pick from! I fall in love every time!

Warm milk and honey - @horanghoe (poly skz x reader)

One of my fav skz comfort fics of all time, it's so so good, recommending again bc I should

In his arms, unexpectedly yours - @cheesemonky (Hyunjin x reader series)

This is a new series which I'm excited to see my pookie write !!!

@astraysimp for dad skz!!!

Nicholas Ross - @dean-a-mean-tae (skz ninth member male oc)

Love their ninth member writings so definitely check it out if you're looking for male!oc who is the ninth!

In my past, I find you and in the future, I still have you - @yangbbokari (Chan x reader)

Heartbreaking, like so angsty but it's gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous

Princess treatment with SKZ - @j-oneproduces

Each individual member x reader has a drabble and I love it so so much, very accurate imo

@skzoologist read their imagines on their ninth member oc Bae! They also have a fic called unfamiliarity using the same oc :)

I like the view - @mirisss (hybrid ot8 skz X reader)

I rly need to reread this one because I loved what I read so far on it!!!

NSFW

Rabbit hybrid reader - @authorofdanger (hybrid skz x hybrid reader)

I've linked a masterlist, I'd recommend the fic dominance and then the first few fics which are to do with reader as a rabbit hybrid! slight warning that woojin is mentioned

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Red Moon - @lixiepeach (omegaverse series)

this is one of the first skz omegaverse fics I read and it is done so beautifully, as it says in the description of the series, it deals with more adult content than just smut, and the way it is explored is written so well, couldn't recommend highly enough!

Inked Petals and Message Tones - @leviackermanscleaningbuddy (poly smau with real life)

this is an ao3 skz fic which changed my life. I can't explain how much I love this, it had me on an emotional rollercoaster fr fr like it's amazing!

n.h.i.e mini series - @hyungszn (smut ot8 x reader)

damn this one really has me on my toes like the chapters are chefs kiss and it's such a good read!

Bold - @hyunsvngs (American footballer minsung x reader)

Wow wow wee wow. This one made my brain go brrr and evaporate and melt and wow the storyline in it is so so good too. Juno rly has such a good relationship with anonnies and moots and it's so lovely to see. A jupiter stan right here!!

Sanguis Limerence - @jl-micasea-fics (vampire skz x reader)

This is one of the first series I was fully committed to reading on this all and constantly checking. It's insanely amazing, I can't put it into words and now I wanna read it all back again 😭

waiting for us - @kkami-writes (smau poly ot8 X reader)

I'm in love with this!!! Perhaps my fav skz smau like the character development as well is really nice to see and it's an easy read if you find it easier to read it in text messages form

Anger management - @2chopsticks2eyes (minsung x reader)

This is so hot and the way the storyline progresses as well is beautiful

@1-800-shedevil I'm in awe of her and her blog. Gorgeous writer, gorgeous writing. Her posts about body positivity rly are so helpful and her words are so comforting

Sharing = caring - @cbini (ot8 X reader)

This is unbelievably good and if you haven't seen it yet? Do you even Tumblr? Love how ems has such a good relationship with moots and in answering asks too! cbinian for life

Better than revenge - @lixie-phoria (smau Jeongin x reader)

I'm so obsessed with this series so far, putting it here bc there's smut to be added in the future. But I'm in love with it so far wow!!!

[thatfandomslut]

One Last Time

Regina George x Reader

Word Count: 1.2k

Trigger Warnings:

Requests:

Valentine's / Followers Celebration; Regina George w/ quote 50 and piece of chocolate number 2. Or: “I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder.” w/ angst

Valentine's / Followers Celebration requests are closed.

Regina and (Y/n) had a very deep conversation about college. They decided that when they went, it would be best to terminate their relationship. It wasn't the conclusion either of them wanted, but they couldn't see a way around it. Instead, they explored a summer together that they would never share again. Now, here they were in (Y/n)'s driveway, leaning on her car for one last time, wondering how they were going to cope whenever (Y/n) would be forced to drive away. They had thirty more minutes and they were both a mess. Still, they continued to keep a strong front to not convince themselves that they could make what wouldn't work, work.

"So, are you ready for the semester?" Regina tried to initiate small talk. They both despised small talk, but it was something that they were going to have to get over as they were running out of things to say. They wanted to beg each other to reconsider, but they knew that wouldn't be healthy, Instead, Regina waited patiently for (Y/n) to answer after she was done snorting out a bitter laugh since they were both becoming increasingly aware that the end of their relationship was coming. Though they were desperately trying to grasp onto the final half hour they had left.

(Y/n)'s hand twitched in Regina's finally lacing their fingers together in thought. "I guess, you could say that." She muttered, not feeling ready at all. How could she be ready to conquer university without Regina George by her side? They had been glued to each other's hips since kindergarten, but now they were being ripped away by some cruel sense of fate that they were not fully prepared for. Neither of them processed the fact that their parents would be right, they were going to regret praying and manifesting growing up. Now that it was occurring and that they were going to be separated, they were wishing for a second chance to relive their last couple years of childhood when they got together.

Regina hummed softly, blinking away whatever tears were threatening to roll down her cheek. She refused to cry whenever she promised herself not to. She had to clear her throat to avoid her voice from cracking as she looked over at (Y/n). "You're going to do great. Plus, at least you'll have Cady, right?" Regina was bitter and jealous over the fact that she and Cady got accepted into the same school. Of course, this was partially her fault, too. After all, she could've also applied to attend the same school they did, but instead, she applied for her dream university and would be attending there in the spring instead. She just wished they shared the same dream as they always previously had.

(Y/n) glanced over at Regina, sensing her sarcasm over Cady all too well. In the spirit of ending their time together on good terms, she ignored the comment. "I guess you're right. At least I'll have Cady. However, I'm going to be more dependent on our weekly FaceTimes." (Y/n) confessed, hoping that she wasn't overstepping a boundary by being honest. In truth, she wished that they hadn't reached this conclusion, but she knew that when Regina suggested it, that she was right. High school relationships didn't last. She didn't know why she thought her relationship would be any different than the thousands of other couples that attempted to make it. Still, although it was wishful thinking, she wished Regina could see that they could outlive college together the way she did.

On the opposite side of things, Regina wished that (Y/n) hadn't been so quick to accept her suggestion. Now, she was forced to pretend that she didn't regret suggesting it in the first place. "I'm going to be just as dependent on those as you are. I'm going to miss you a lot." Regina looked down at the time. They had five more minutes together. She wished more than anything that she could put a freeze frame on the time they were spending together. She hated that it felt like their time was ending in just seconds. When she processed what little time they had, Regina's fingers tightened against (Y/n)'s. Neither pulled away, despite the deadly grip. They just kept each other close.

"I'm going to miss you, too, Regina. More than anything." (Y/n) swallowed the sob that was creating a horrendous lump in the back of her throat. She was mentally begging herself not to cry as her mom came out to let her know that she needed to go now. Her mom was right, but (Y/n) found herself cursing her over the fact. Regina almost winced at the feeling of (Y/n)'s hands falling from hers, but she smiled a bit when her hands were soon on her cheeks, pulling her in for a deep kiss. "I love you, Regina. Please know that I love you."

Regina forced herself not to break down right then and there. Instead, she allowed (Y/n) to pull away and get in her car. Before the car door shut, (Y/n) smiled a bit as she heard Regina speak. "I'm not going to say goodbye, but I will say that I'll see you later. Be good in college, loser. I love you, too, always." (Y/n) then proceeded to back out as she went to go pick up Cady from her house. They were going together. This made Regina seethe on the inside because she was envious that not only were they attending together but they were dormmates. She had told (Y/n) that the fates couldn't be crueler to her. A thought that caused (Y/n) to laugh softly as she wiped the tears that were falling down her cheek, burning her skin.

(Y/n) helped Cady pile in her things once she got there. As they were leaving, Cady watched them leave her home. "It's crazy leaving here." She spoke softly, obviously sad in her way. "How did it go with Regina?" (Y/n) knew that the strawberry blonde didn't mean anything by her question, but it unintentionally made her cringe as she focused a bit harder on the road. Still, she didn't want to continue this car ride with Cady thinking she crossed a line, even if she accidentally did. So, instead, she took some time to process her feelings on the subject.

"A lot was going through my mind as we leaned against my car. Like… I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Despite our sad ending, we are not a sad story. I'll always love her." And there it was, the familiar lump in her throat that she had to swallow. She refused to cry and drive. She refused to cry in front of Cady. She knew they were friends and they were going to have to get vulnerable together eventually, but it didn't need to be now. Right now, she just wanted to get the focus off of her and Regina. "Let's get something to eat before we get too far."

Cady nodded softly, getting comfortable as they looked for somewhere to eat. The rest of the drive was quiet as (Y/n) felt her fingers twitching constantly to call Regina. But, for a moment, she needed to just drive and focus on the next chapter in her life. She just wished Regina was in all of those chapters.

[oniraki]

Broken into fractures

Pairing : Simon "Ghost" Riley x Reader

TW : Mental health, Psych ward, mentions of : self harm, suicide wishes/attempts , severe trauma (both Simon and reader), dark themes , angst, hurt/comfort , swearing , nicotine and psychiatric medication/sedation use - maybe too much tagging but it's better safe than sorry I guess?

AN : inspired by all the fantastic artists and writers here I gathered the courage to try and write something up myself. Hope I don't mess shit up .. please have patience with me for I really don't know what I am doing right now (and English is not my first language..)

"you're in time out Mr.Riley.." his psychiatrist says in a hushed tone, making Simon's head throb painfully. He does not like that bawbag of a man with his silly round glasses and his pathetic attempts to comb his hair in a way, that would hide his growing baldness. Simon tries to focus on Doc.Hershal's words but instead his eyes are glued to a coffee stain on the man's button down.

"Mr.Riley do you even pay attention?" A grunt is the only response that so called doctor gets out of him. The man sighs. "You hurt another patient, Mr.Riley.." he tries again and Simon chuckles hoarsely. "I'm well aware of that. He had it coming for some time .." - "You broke his nose." The doctor states more urgently, observing Simon's features as far as possible, since half of his face is hidden behind a black scarf.

"Fucking hell..should've broken his neck instead." Dr.Hershal shakes his head. "We have talked about this plenty of times, didn't we, Mr.Riley? This is no healthy way of coping with your feelings. This is unacceptable behavior above all of it. Every patient has a right to be here, to heal and to be safe while doing so"

Simon could feel his blood boil, hear it rushing through his whole body. Safety? He was talking about safety after all, that happened earlier that day? "Where was her right of safety when that fucker had his hands all over her...?!" The psychiatrist nods "I have heard about the incident. But that does not justify your aggressive behavior. That was something to be dealt with by the hospitals staff, Mr.Riley."

Incident. The nurses should've handled this. "And still nobody showed up fast enough to put her out of her misery, for fucks sake!"

His heart was beating way too fast, his bruised hands shaking in his lap. Knuckles cut open from that other man's broken teeth. He felt no shame, no regret. He'd do it all over again. Do anything to keep you safe, to protect you from harm. Even if it ment that he had to be locked up here longer than he had anticipated.

He'd do it for you.

Anything..

_______

The light was nearly blinding you as you crossed the threshold of the door, leading to the cage on the hospitals rooftop. You've never been entitled to garden privileges, going out alone and wandering around the paths between old trees and decorative bushes. You couldn't be trusted, the nurses always explained with that sorry, kinda pittying smile on their faces. You'd be a danger to yourself, they'd argue. Couldn't risk you hurting yourself, fulfilling your death wish..

The cage was just a sorry excuse of a garden. An area with fake grass and plants, some benches, secured by a Chain-link fence.. but it was your only escape from the sterile and sad gray walls of the ward, crushing you between them until you couldn't breathe. Closing you in, never letting you go. The flickering of the neon lights, the squeaking of the linoleum floor. Cold,blood sucking fingers that had a hold of you. Everything designed to torture and torment you furthermore.

The only way for you to leave that place was in a body bag. That much you were sure of.

"Hey scare-bear.." you whispered as you let yourself slump down on the fake grass next to Simon. He didn't even flinch or look at you at your sudden intrusion of his space. Not even when your head was leaning against his biceps. No words or sounds left his lips as he fetched a cigarette out of the box, lighting it up on the one he was smoking and then offering it to you. You stayed in comfortable silence for a smoke or two. Simon could feel the tension leaving his body, how his shoulders relaxed more and more with every passing minute. You were here. With him. Not in the observation room with that big window, directly connected to the nurses office. Not sedated and fixated. Not alone.. never alone, as long as he could impede it.

You sneaked your arm around his, your hand engulfing his with featherlight touches. The nurses patched him up properly after his emergency session with Hershal.

"'m sorry, love." You could feel the vibration of Simon's voice. Calming and soothing as a lullaby. He still didn't look at you, instead he kept his gaze on the sundown, throwing another cigarette butt off of the roof. "nothing to be sorry for, Si. It's my fault they relieved you of all of your privileges.." you murmured kinda dejected, petting his hand ever so lovingly.

Simon huffed, shaking his head eagerly, nearly making his hood fall down. "I'd trade every fucking, meaningless privelege if that's what it takes to keep you safe. Stop acting like it was your fault. You didn't ask him to touch you.. should've killed that bastard the second he tried to get close to you the first time."

Your movements stilled for a long moment until you released a breath you didn't know you were holding.

"they all told you to stay away from me, didn't they...?" Your voice was merely anything above a whisper. Simon only grunted in response. "As if that's ever going to happen. Nothing can stop me from being near you, little gremlin."

"but what, if they're right, scare-bear?" You ask, now avoiding his gaze that lingers on your face. "What if.. I'm no good for you? Making your condition worse..?" You thought intensely about it for the last couple of weeks. Simon used to make progress, used to get better.. at least until you came along. Certainly it hast to be your fault. "Is that what they believe or what you believe?" He snapped at you, hating himself for the harshness in his voice immediately.

You heard the night nurses whisper about you and Simon. About you being a liability to him. Stopping his progress, pulling him down into your dark abyss.

Your mind began spiraling again.

"I need words, love. Talk to me.. don't shut me out. Not again.." he demanded softly, freeing his arm out of your grasp. He'd leave you, right ? Because he realized how much of a burden you were.

But instead of getting up and leaving he placed his arm around your shoulders, pulling you into him gently, as if he might break you.

But by now your thoughts and emotions were cutting too deep, pulling you into a kind of headspace where'd you go nonverbal ..

Burden. Threat. Liability. Rotten heart and soul inside a useless, broken body. Not good enough. Not loveable.

Why can't you finally die?

" 'm here, lovie. I got you." He whispered into the crown of your head. "It's okay not to be okay right now. We'll get through it, together."

Oh how you just wanted to believe him..

[cwritesforfun]

The Bear: Carmen 'Carmy' Berzatto x Fem!Reader: You're the light in the dark

Part One is linked here!!!

Masterlist

**TW: Anxiety & Anxiety Attack (YES, the plot has changed.) Y/N = Your Name

Y/N's POV

Things have been better for you mentally in the last two weeks. You wouldn't say you were fully happy, but you were calm and that was better than constant anxiety attacks. Graduate school and work were still stressful, but they were manageable now. Sydney apologized when you returned to work for giving Carmy your address and wouldn't tell you why she gave it so freely. She seemed nervous about whatever it was. You had to reassure her that it was fine because it was nice to see Carmy and he brought dessert.

It's another Friday and service is almost done. Tonight has ran smoothly out front and customers seem pleased.

Richie walks up and says, "Hey, uh Faz is going to sub in for you and you need to go to Carmy's office right now." You ask, "Why?" He answers, "None of your business, kidding. I’m kidding. Carmy ... he uh ... he asked for you. He's really anxious and angry and irritating. No one can be around him right now and he said you were a calming presence. I need you to mediate in this situation.” You reply, "Ok. I'll go right now."

You walk to the back and to Carmy's office where the door is open. You see Carmy sitting where you were just a few weeks ago and you close the door gently behind you. You sit on the floor in front of him and say, "Hey Carmy, I heard you asked for me. I'm here. I don't know if you need someone to talk to or a hug, but uh those both usually help me with my anxiety." He looks up and you see his tear-rimmed eyes staring at you. He says, "Tonight has been really hard for me. I've always had a rocky relationship with my family and it gets hard sometimes. I also tried to go to Alcoholics Anonymous because I use drinking to cope and I want to try something healthier. Sydney can be very serious and stuck in her ways sometimes and when I corrected her, she refused to listen. And some of the other staff just watched. I don't want them to think that openly refusing to listen to me is okay. I also snapped when some of them were just stacking dishes in a way that we used to do before we were more serious as a restaurant. I just can't take it when no one listens... except you. You're there and you listen. You're the light in the darkness of my mind." Oh??? You reach out to put your hand on his and he intertwines your fingers as you reply, "I ... I'm glad I can be the light for you. You mentioned wanting to do something healthy to cope with your anxiety. Are you free on Sunday to walk in that park by my place?" He answers, "Yeah." You reply, "Great, I’m completely free on Sunday. So what time works best for you?" He answers, "Um we can do 11 am." You reply, "Great, it's a date... I mean ... that is not what I meant not that it would be bad but I'm going to change the conversation now... And as far as tonight at work, you should go back and tell everyone that you want to have a quick five minute talk with all of them at the end of service. I can get some paper and we can draft what you can say to them. We'll make sure you come off as the leader and as someone willing to listen to new ideas. This should cut the tension in the kitchen and give you some relief." He replies, "Shit, maybe you should be the manager." You laugh and reply, "No I don't think I should, but I am studying management right now and I do know how volatile this restaurant can be at times. I know you're all very stressed in the kitchen and want to make the best dish for your customers that you sometimes forget how to fully communicate with each other. I understand that." He says, "I wish the rest of them were as understanding as you." You reply, "Thanks, but I'm not a perfect employee. I know that. I can always improve... so do you have pen and paper in here?" He laughs and gets some off his desk. You help him draft something to tell the staff and it sounds good if you say so. Your professors would be proud of you. Carmy asks if you can be near him when he gives them the talk in case he needs a mediator to which you agree.

You return to work and finish the shift smoothly.

All the staff file into the restaurant and are sitting facing Carmy. Carmy glances at you and you nod at him before he starts speaking, "Hey everyone, I understand that sometimes things can get tense at work and I want to apologize for my part in that. I realize that I may have overreacted in the past and I am sorry for taking it out on all of you. Going forward, I will make an effort to respond to situations differently. As part of my commitment to being a better boss, I want to ensure that everyone has a voice. If I ask you to do something a certain way and it doesn't work for you, please let me know. I want to be open to feedback and ensure that everyone feels heard. Does that sound okay to all of you?" I look around and notice everyone nodding. They all look proud and like they respect him for what he said. I'm glad it worked. Carmy exclaims, "OK, everyone can go back to what they were doing before and I hope you all get a good night's rest for tomorrow." Everyone gets up and starts chatting amongst themselves.

You stand up and say, "Chef, I think you did really well." Carmy asks, "Do you think they'll listen?" You nod and answer, "I do. Do you feel any better now that this conversation happened?" He answers, "Yes. It makes it feel like there was a weight taken off of my chest." Richie walks up and says, "May I ask, is this what you two were doing in the office? Because if it is, this little duo needs to happen more often. Cousin, that was great. Y/N, I assume you had a part in it, so thank you." You laugh and Carmy says, "Cousin, she helped me turn my thoughts into something more professional to tell people instead of yelling. And yes, it was what we did in my office. She's my employee, remember." Richie replies, "Good, I'm glad this conversation happened then. I think the staff needed to hear this... And, workplace romances can work between the right people. I'll leave you two with that." He then walks off. You say, "I better finish cleaning the front. I'll see you tomorrow chef." Carmy nods and says, "Yeah. See you tomorrow, Y/N."

PART THREE... THE WALK... coming soon!!!

Masterlist

[letsgoletsgetit08]

fix off pt. 1

summary: Mingi turns to every coping mechanism besides a healthy one in the aftermath of Jongho's death, two years later.

warnings: MDNI!!, 18+, su*c*de attempt, implied/referenced su*c*de, major character death, overdose, recreational drug use, religious imagery & symbolism, catholicism, barebacking, strangers to lovers, bittersweet ending, angst, hurt/comfort

pairing: priest!soft dom!Jeong Yunho x hot fucking mess!Song Mingi

author's note: HEY! Read the tags! This fic has some very heavy content! Please DO NOT READ this if mentions/discussion of suicide/attemps or character deat (RIP Jongho, so glad you're alive IRL, king) are in any way triggering to you! Also, know that myself and Ateez would be very sad if any Atiny or anyone else took their own life. Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! !! !!! That said, this work is based on/influenced by/referencing - sometimes lightly, sometimes very directly because Phoebe Waller-Bridge is more of a genius than me - the show Fleabag. This show is personally very important to me, it both healed me in some ways and also hurt me very deeply. If you have seen the show, you know how this ends. Again, read the tags. Phoebe, if you happen to read this for whatever reason, I just hope you're flattered because of imitation and all that.

OKAY! Disclaimers disclaimed, please let me know if I missed anything. And with that, please enjoy. This one is kind of my baby. I hesitated to even post it here because I'm a little scared of how it will be received but you never know until you try, right? Comments, likes, & re-blogs are always welcome, but please be civil.

word count: 23,480

ao3 link: fix off

fix off

It's hard not to spiral. 

Chest constricting, breath becoming shallow. 

Mingi tossed the bar rag onto the counter and dismissed himself to the bathroom. 

Cold water splashed on his face. 

Not cold enough. Need some ice. 

He thought he had seen Jongho. Which was impossible. 

His friend had died nearly two years ago now. 

He died two years ago.

Mingi composed himself enough to go back and sling espresso martinis to faceless patrons. Turning on his disarming charm enough to make decent tips. 

Coping.

Back home, laying in bed, Mingi got off while watching the news. Contemplated texting his ex. 

He was a little offended that she hadn't come back yet. 

She always came back.  

It was one of the only constants in his life, repeating the cycle of breaking up with Yuji when she became too overbearing, trying to be too serious. 

“It feels like you only want to be with me for the sex.” She had accused him of it a thousand times if she had done it once. 

“My friends really like you, too.” Mingi half-heartedly defended himself. She'll hate to hear that. 

“Do you like me, Mingi? Because I'm trying. I want to take care of you.” 

“I'm not a child.” Mingi pouted. 

“You're the only person who believes that.” Yuji turned to go, taking his lack of response to her question for what it was, “I'm not coming back, Mingi. Not again.” 

She'll be back. 

She wasn't. 

The next time he'd seen her, six months later, she had actually looked happy, something he honestly couldn't say during the times they had been together. Ring on her finger, hand around the bicep of a man Mingi vaguely recognized. 

Mingi saw her. Caught her eye. 

She's going to walk over. 

She walked over and introduced her fiancé, “This is jfodwjjfow.” 

He wouldn't remember the man’s name anyway, why bother to hear it when it was said the first time. 

“So good to meet you, Jeff.” Definitely not his name. “Wish I could stay but I really have to be going.”

He barely noticed the confused expression on her face as he dashed away.

Two Years Ago

"You know that guy who comes in on Tuesday nights and sits at the end of the bar?” Jongho asked, looking up at Mingi with a devious grin. 

"Tall guy who drinks red wine and looks like he wants to eat you?” Mingi teased him.

"Shut up, no way! He's probably looking at you. Everyone looks at you.” Jongho meant it as a compliment. 

"Well they should look at you because I will just chew them up and spit them out.” 

"Why else would God give you such big teeth?” Jongho skirted out of the way before Mingi could smack his ass with the bar towel. 

"Do I have big teeth?!” Mingi was hurt. 

"No!” Jongho stayed a few feet away, out of the line of fire, “No! I'm sorry, your teeth are fine!” 

"I'm hideous!” Mingi whined. 

“Hush, Mingi. You're perfect.” Jongho sighed, “Nevermind about that guy, anyway. I have my hands full with you already.”

“You love it.” Mingi shot him an innocent smile. 

“Of course I do.” Jongho poked his cheek, “Who else will?”

A Tuesday. Probably. 

“Mingi, promise me you won't be late tonight.” Seonghwa’s voice was stern, pleading over the phone. 

Mingi had taken the call while riding Soobin's dick. Or maybe it was Seungmin. He couldn't remember. He'd just been calling him “baby” since he came over. 

He was Hongjoong’s accountant. 

“I won't.” He would. “Promise.” He shouldn't. 

It was Seonghwa’s debut as Marius Pontmercy in an off-broadway production of Les Misérables. A big deal. He would finally be catching his big break.

“Okay, good because I really want everyone there.” Mingi faltered at the implication of the word. Like they were complete without Jongho. “It's very important to me. And I don't want to be embarrassed by you walking in late, I'm not even sure they will let you-”

“Yes, I know, Hwa.” He panted, Baby's hips bucking underneath him, “I'll be there.”

He’s noisy. Loves nipples.

“What are you doing? You sound out of breath?” Seonghwa’s voice was verging towards hysterical. 

“Just out for a run!” Baby let out a moan that Mingi knew carried through the phone. 

“Ew, Mingi! That is disgusting-”

“Fuck, yes, Soobin!” Mingi couldn't help but cry out, ending the call as the man nailed his prostate. 

Soobin filled the condom inside him, Mingi followed quickly behind, collapsing to his chest. 

“It's Seungmin, asshole.” The man pushed Mingi off of him and cleaned himself up, gathered his things to leave, shirt on inside out.

He’s probably going to realize he’s actually straight now.

Mingi got off to the memory of the scene again, later, in the shower. 

He was only twenty minutes late to Seonghwa's debut that night. Tears streaming down his face at the performance. His friend was beautiful. The musical was one of his favorites. 

I’m a total sap.

He wished Jongho were there to see it. 

Seonghwa let himself be hugged backstage after the show, a rare treat, even letting Mingi linger for a beat before pushing him off, accepting the flowers he held out to him. 

My bouquet looks pathetic next to the others. He’ll hate it.   

“Didn't want it to go to your head too much.” Mingi quipped, joking about his bouquet. 

“Thankfully, no one else had your same mindset.” Seonghwa was probably joking but his words stung. He studied Mingi’s face, not seeming to know how to help in the moment, instead, turning his attention to the rest of their friends, Hongjoong sidling up to his side as Mingi stepped away. “Let’s get everyone in for a picture.” 

Everyone. 

The word was repeated all night, at dinner afterwards, at the bar after that. Ringing in Mingi’s ears. 

Mingi coped in one of the only ways he knew how. 

Drink after drink, not knowing what was what, just that it had alcohol.

Everyone will be mad at me by the end of the night.

He had gotten too loud and apparently said something to upset Seonghwa. Not hard to do. Hongjoong scolded him, staying composed as he asked him to leave. 

Yeosang sweet Yeosang ended up under his arm, guiding him to the curb outside of the bar, waiting on the Uber. 

“What's wrong with me, Sangie?” Mingi slurred, ignoring how Yeosang’s body tensed when his head fell to the other's shoulder.

He's going to say nothing is wrong with me. They always do. 

“Nothing is wrong with you, Mingi.” His voice was sweet, deep, soothing. 

“Everyone hates me.” Mingi whined. 

“No one hates you, Ming.” Yeosang wrapped an arm around his shoulders, “You just feel your feelings out loud. And you have a lot of them. Wooyoung is similar, but he has a San to regulate him.” 

“I don't have anyone.” Mingi sobbed. 

“You do, Mingi. You just push us away. And I get it. No one can take Jongho's place. He was that for you, wasn't he?” Yeosang asked gently. 

Mingi didn't answer but sat up, looking at Yeosang. 

He is so pretty.  

Mingi leaned in for a kiss. 

Yeosang stopped him with a hand, “No, baby. You're drunk. You don't actually want to do this.”

What the hell did Yeosang know?  

He was right. Of course. 

“Sorry.” Mingi mumbled. 

The Uber pulled up and Yeosang helped him inside, instructing him to drink some water when he got home. 

He should have asked for Yeosang to help him. He would have done it. 

I should ask.

He should ask.

But he always pushed them away. 

Mingi hated riding in cars. He gripped the seat for dear life the entire drive. 

There was no one to make sure he didn't drown in a pool of his own vomit. The thought hit him somewhere on the ride home. 

He wouldn't drown in a pool of his own vomit.

He hadn't yet. 

I need a grilled cheese and a cigarette. 

Two Years Ago

The Tuesday man was leaning across the bar as far as it would allow, flirting with Jongho. Mingi felt pride swell in his chest. They were cute. He was sweet, making Jongho blush, calling him pretty.

Bastard.

He hated sharing Jonho. Yes, the seven of them were friends, but he and Jongho were close outside of that. If he were asked to trade the six others for Jongho, he would. Easy. No one got him like Jongho did. Mingi felt a little like he had raised the man, with him being a little over a year younger than himself. He knew it had to be hard being the youngest in a friend group. He wanted to make sure Jongho had someone. They were roommates in college. It stuck. Had worked at the same bar together ever since. 

In a lot of ways, though, Jongho had taken care of Mingi, too. Through heartbreaks and the general ups and downs of life. 

He loved him more than anything.

Naturally, he was a little possessive of his friend. But he also wanted him to be happy. 

He pushed down the acidic, curdling sensation in his chest. Let him be happy.  

Mingi would be there for him when he inevitably let him down.  

A Thursday? Maybe??

Wooyoung had talked him into hot yoga. 

“It will be good for you, I promise!” Wooyoung sing-songed as they walked into the studio. 

San probably loves the fact that he’s into yoga.

The studio was sweltering, they weren’t misadvertising, that’s for sure.

“I feel like I’m going to die.” Mingi complained. 

“Shut up and take your shoes off.” Wooyoung instructed. 

Not the first time he’s said that line.

“Buy me dinner first.” 

“You need therapy.” Wooyoung rolled his eyes. 

Tried that, didn’t work. 

His therapist said that he was projecting his grief for Jongho onto what really was daddy issues. Or something like that. He really hadn’t paid too close attention. He had fucked his therapist after a few sessions though. 

After sweating buckets and nearly pulling a muscle to keep from slipping and busting his face open, he thanked Wooyoung for inviting him and made him promise to never do it again. 

On the way out of the studio, a bus was unloading. 

Tuesday guy.  

Mingi locked eyes with him as he hopped off the bus. Time stood still.

The man nodded and Mingi darted in the other direction, Wooyoung chasing after him. 

He finally caught up, “Hey, what the fuck!”

“Sorry!” Mingi clawed his fingernails into his palms, “Forgot I liked the smoothie place on 7th better than the one on 9th.” 

A lie.

“Well damn, you could have just said something!” Wooyoung scolded him, mostly playfully but still seeming perturbed at Mingi’s odd behavior. 

Two Years Ago

Jongho was off that night. Tuesday guy sat in his same spot. 

Mingi tested him. 

Tuesday failed.

Took Mingi to his apartment after work.

Fucked Mingi senseless into his mattress. 

Fucking Tuesday. 

He never learned his real name. 

But he would never have called him by it anyway. 

Mingi’s dad had cheated on his mom. 

Any given day of the week, honestly, does it really matter?

The bar was dead that night and Mingi didn’t bother to fight to close with his new coworker. Let himself be cut early so that he could go home. 

He texted the group chat on his walk home. 

Me

Got cut early. Anyone wanna meet up?

He waited for replies. None came in. No one had even read the message.

Fine then. 

He walked aimlessly around the city, finally landing on a park bench, staring out over the lake. He didn’t know what to do with himself. 

The sun was setting and he watched it paint the sky pastel. 

He dialed Jongho’s number. 

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person. 

Again.

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

Interrupted.

“Anyone sitting here?” A feminine voice, light German accent. He looked up. 

She had stick-straight dyed red hair to her shoulders, microbangs, piercings, and was more tattoo than skin. 

“No, sorry. Just um.” He looked down at the phone in his hands, “On the phone.” 

“Why are you apologizing?” She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. He spotted a tongue ring when her mouth was open. 

“I don’t know. Sorry.” He blinked at her. Clocking that he had just done it again. 

She studied him, “Hm. You’re sweet, aren’t you?”

He shrugged.

“Pretty lips. I like you. If I take you to my place, you can’t murder me, okay?”

She looks more like she would be the one to murder me.

“Okay.” He agreed. 

Looks like I have plans tonight after all.

“Oh, you’re going to be fun.” She smiled, standing up and offering her hand to help him up. He followed her like a lost puppy to her apartment. 

The Germans are known for their open-mindedness in the bedroom. I should have remembered that.

He was tied to her bed from all four corners, wrists and ankles secured. Cock leaking pathetically onto his stomach. She walked around the bed, strutting in her elaborate black lace lingerie, pulled the blindfold down over his eyes. 

They had discussed it briefly on their way over. Limits, safe word (tiramisu), and the light system. 

Green light. Green light. Green light.

He felt the bed shift as she crawled between his legs, fingers dancing over his skin as she teased him everywhere except where he wanted it. 

“So desperate already for me, aren’t you, Mingki?” Her accent added an extra percussive affect to his name. 

“Yes, goddess.” He breathed. 

With no warning, she began licking his cock from base to tip, guiding it into her mouth without even touching it with her hands. The tip of it hitting the back of her throat immediately. 

I'm way too well hung for someone to be able to do that so easily.

She worked him expertly, slow at first, then picking up her pace until she estimated he was close to his peak, a faint pop as she pulled off of his dick. He squirmed, searching for any sort of touch, wanting to cum so badly. He heard her chuckle, “Oh, no, mein liebchen, it won't be that easy.” 

He whined and pouted, cut short as she positioned herself above him, rolling a condom on and applying lube before lining herself up and taking him in one go. 

I'm way too well hung for someone to be able to do THAT so easily.

She sat still, cockwarming him until he couldn't take it, sweat breaking out on his forehead, hips bucking, which earned him nothing besides sitting up so that only his tip was inside of her. He couldn't reach, no matter how hard he tried, to enter her any further. Eventually, she lowered herself ever so slightly, once he stilled his movements, proving he could be patient. She bounced up and down, tiny movements, only taking the first few inches of his length. Normally, he would be slamming his hips at breakneck speed by this point but he felt more turned on than ever before as he was brought to the edge again, only for her to pull off at the last second. 

She was straddling his face seconds later, “Me first, then we'll revisit you. If you can manage to get me off.” 

“Yes, godd-hmmmpph” she cut him off by placing her wet cunt on his face. The lube was strawberry flavored and he ate devotedly, like it was the last supper.

I'm not even religious!

He focused hard, listening for little moans and the involuntary twitch of her hips to guide him in knowing what she liked. It was so much harder to gauge with a blindfold on, but just as his jaw was aching so bad he thought he might have to give up, cock throbbing and leaking precum into the condom, she finally came, crying out at her release. 

“What a good pet.” She panted, moving back down to his cock again, taking him in one go and grinding her hips evilly, swiveling them but not letting him fuck into her still. “You can't cum until I come on your pretty cock, understood?”

“Yes, goddess, please let me make you come.” He begged, surprising himself.

She fell forward bracing her hands on his chest as she fucked herself on his dick. He almost lost it as he finally felt her clench around him, moaning at her second release, then surprising him by removing the blindfold. 

“Eyes on mine and beg me for it.” She demanded. 

“Please let me cum, goddess, please I'll do anything, please, please, goddess, I-” she stroked him with her pussy, as he begged until she was satisfied, tears streaming down his face.

“Okay, since you asked so nicely.” She stilled her hips, “Go ahead and use me, you filthy boy. So desperate.” 

He cried out as he tried to get a better range of motion to fuck her. She didn't help at all, but he was already on a razor wire, and soon he was cumming hard. She dismounted as soon as she felt his orgasm start, ruining it. He whimpered pathetically, not feeling satisfied, not enough cum leaving his body. 

She chuckled, “What's wrong, my little pet? You wanted to cum. I let you cum.”

He couldn’t answer, genuinely crying now. 

“Color, Mingi?” She asked, seeming concerned.

“Green!” He sobbed. 

“Good.” And she removed the condom, his dick still hard. She stroked up the underside with one steady finger until his hips were bucking pathetically again, then she gripped him genuinely, working him to a real release this time. The sound that escaped his chest was something he was sure had never left his body before, thick ribbons of cum hitting his stomach and chest, covering her hand. 

“Thank you! Fuck, thank you.” He cried as she worked him through it. 

She made sure he got proper aftercare when they were done. He stood in her doorway, staring at his shoes, voice barely above a whisper, “Can I… um. See you again?”

She smiled sympathetically, “No, so sorry, darling. I only ever do this once with someone.” She tapped his cheek, “Best of luck out there. I really did have a good time.” 

“Okay.” He sighed, “Thank you again.” And he turned to leave, feeling emptier than ever as he walked home. 

Two Years Ago

Jongho was a mess when he got to work that day, dark circles under his eyes. Mingi clocked it immediately, dragging him to the walk-in cooler to talk. 

“What's wrong?” He asked, trying not to panic, certain he was found out. 

Jongho never cried. It ripped Mingi’s heart in half. “He fucking-” Jongho choked on a sob, “I don’t know what I did wrong! I-” He buried his face into Mingi’s chest, “He told me he cheated on me and then-” A huge sniffle, struggling to catch his breath, “He said he couldn’t live with the guilt and he broke up with me! I don’t know what’s wrong with me-” Another wave of sobs racked his body.

“Shh, come on. You can’t work like this. Let’s get you home.” Mingi pulled him to his side, guilt spilling down his spine like ice water. 

Back at their apartment, Mingi spent all night taking care of Jongho, wrapping him in a blanket on the couch and letting him talk things through. Three bottles of wine between the two of them. He had no clue why Tuesday hadn’t told Jongho the full truth. He was too scared to do it himself. Instead, he let the gravity of his sin guide his actions, coddling his friend to try to make up for it. 

They ended the night curled up in Mingi’s bed together, Jongho still crying softly as he drifted off to sleep. 

The next morning, the bed beside Mingi was cold. 

He had thirty missed calls on his phone. None of them were from Jongho. 

He panicked, calling the last person who had called him back. 

“Mingi, thank god.” San’s voice was thick, clearly he had been crying.

“What happened?” Mingi’s voice was strained, anxiety eating him alive.

“Mingi… It’s Jongho.” San took a shuddering breath, “He’s- he’s gone.”

“What do you mean, ‘gone’? There’s no way. He was upset but I’m sure he just turned his phone off and he’ll be back here any time with a pack of cig-” Mingi refused to believe what he had just been told.

“No, Mingi.” San cut him off, “They found him. His car, it was-”

“No! You’re wrong!” Mingi was in denial, verging on hysterics, “They’re wrong, they need to check again! He’ll be back any minute!”

“Mingi…” San sobbed. He heard him mutter something about not being able to do this as the phone was passed to someone else. 

“Mingi. I need you to take some deep breaths and calm down.” Hongjoong’s voice was surprisingly gentle over the phone, but commanding enough to make Mingi stop sputtering nonsense that he knew, deep down, was all untrue. 

“I’m sorry.” Mingi felt tears begin to streak down his face, “I’m sorry. I’m listening.”

“Hwa is ordering you an Uber. We should all be together right now. You need to get dressed and be downstairs in ten minutes, okay?” Hongjoong’s voice only wavered slightly.

“Okay.” Mingi hung up the phone. 

Once he was at Hongjoong and Seonghwa’s apartment with the others, they filled him in on everything they knew, which truthfully, was very little.

Jongho indeed had alcohol in his system, according to the coroner, but having known him, he had a pretty high tolerance. It wasn’t certain he had been too drunk to drive. He had left no note, but the way the crash had happened, it almost looked intentional. 

There was no way of knowing now, of course. 

Mingi filled them in on why Jongho had been upset. Not the full story. He didn’t think he could ever admit that to anyone. Even with the added context, the friends all silently agreed that it had been an accident. The alternative was far too painful. 

The pit in Mingi’s stomach begged to differ. The doubt that lingered would never leave him. Not even for a moment. 

Seonghwa’s Bachelor Party

Mingi felt especially proud of himself, walking up to Seonghwa’s apartment - his fiance would be staying at a hotel that night - knowing what surprise he had planned for the night. 

He’s going to do backflips. 

The stripper he had hired was around Hongjoong’s height, pretty dark brown hair, wide, soulful eyes. Mingi had picked him out himself, wanting the surprise to be absolutely perfect. 

When he stepped inside the apartment, his stomach dropped.

I really shouldn’t have muted the group chat. 

He was under dressed in slacks and a sweater. Everyone else was in suits. More than just their close friend group was there, too. A memory niggled at the back of his mind, vaguely remembering reading a text saying Seonghwa’s more conservative cousins would be in town from Korea. They were staying for a few months before the wedding, through the holidays, since the wedding was on New Years Eve, treating the trip like a long vacation. 

Mingi tried to turn around to back out, wanting to call the booking agency immediately to cancel the stripper, but Wooyoung spotted him, looking relieved to have an excuse to leave the conversation he was having with a particularly dull looking family member, making his way to Mingi in just a few strides, pulling him into the living room. 

“Thank fuck!” Wooyoung whispered into his ear, “That guy was talking about the stock markets and I thought I was going to die.” 

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Mingi couldn’t help but laugh at the situation.

“He got got, too!” Wooyoung jutted his chin out, gesturing towards the kitchen, where San was sequestered by three cousins, eyes pleading as he met Wooyoung’s gaze. 

Mingi cackled as he saw San mouth “Help!” 

A punch on his arm from Wooyoung startled him, “Why are you underdressed?”

“I muted the group chat! You guys talk so much.”

“Well some of it is important, dumbass!” Wooyoung scolded him, “You better not be planning anything stupid tonight.”

“What!” Mingi tried to look surprised, “I would never! I’m just here for Seonghwa.”

“Yes?” Seonghwa had heard his name and was headed towards them, “Mingi, why are you underdressed?”

“I’m sorry! I can’t read, you know that.” Mingi whined, trying to sound innocent. 

“Just, please, please don’t do anything stupid tonight. It’s already tense with my family here, I had to bribe them to even come to the wedding by promising we would get married by a Catholic priest. Neither of us wanted that, but no offense, I didn’t want my wedding to just have you guys and all of Hongjoong’s family.”

“We’ll be good, Hwa. Promise.” Wooyoung offered.

“It’s not you I’m worried about. I need the princess to survive the night without making it all about himself.” Seonghwa snipped, then his face fell, looking a little remorseful, “Sorry, that was harsh, I-”

“No, no.” Mingi pretended it hadn’t hurt him to hear, “You’re right. I promise I’ll be good, tonight is all about you and making your weird, boring cousins happy.” 

As it turned out, keeping his weird, boring cousins happy was a tall order. They didn’t want to play drinking games - they barely wanted to drink, they didn’t understand Mingi’s sense of humor, and when they weren’t talking his ear off, they seemed to be treating him practically as wait staff, asking for more of the snacks from the kitchen, or another beer, or what his beliefs on the afterlife were. The latter of which he dodged, making a lame excuse of needing to pee. 

Mingi had snuck off to the bathroom attached to the primary bedroom, searching through Hongjoong’s side of the cabinets, hoping that the man still had a bit of a fun side. Exclaiming in excitement when he found a little bag of weed gummies buried carelessly under other over-the-counter meds and random, clearly forgotten about toiletries. 

He figured they were probably old, so he popped two in his mouth before even reading what the label said. 25mg/piece. 

Fuck. Well. Too late now. 

He spotted an old bottle of Xanax, giving it a shake to see it was almost completely full. He pocketed it as well.

You never know. 

When he emerged, he was rudely reminded of what he had been so worried about when he had arrived. 

Yeosang was answering the door, letting a man dressed in a black, sparkly, see-through shirt, red, glittery, heart-shaped pasties covering his nipples clearly visible underneath, and loose black pants, the outline of his bulge making itself known as well. Yeosang, innocent and clueless as ever, let the man inside before Mingi could get over there to stop him.

The weed began to hit Mingi and he couldn’t make his feet move as the man turned on the bluetooth speaker in his hand and a loud, harsh techno beat took over the room, every single voice going quiet to stare. 

“Who’s the beautiful blushing groom?” The man surveyed the room noisily. 

Seonghwa’s cousins were stunned silent, but Yeosang still hadn’t caught on, pointing to Seonghwa, “That’s him!” 

The Hongjoong look-alike stripper ripped his shirt off as he approached Seonghwa, and only then did Mingi’s brain catch up to his feet, jogging over to stop the man. 

“I’m so sorry!” Mingi tried to cut him off, “There’s been a mistake, I messed up-” He let out a giggle, his weed-fuzzed brain finding the situation hilarious despite himself. 

“Is this your idea of a joke, Mingi?” Seonghwa looked mad, hurt, and very disappointed. 

The stripper was not tuned in to the conversation and had started trying to dance for Seonghwa. 

“No! I’m sorry! It’s not a joke, I didn’t read the group text and I was going to cancel-” Mingi touched the stripper’s shoulder, trying to pull him off, “Hey, can you please stop that, you need to go, I’ll pay-”

“HEY!” The stripper yelled, “No touching! That’s literally the first rule you agreed to when you booked me!”

“Mingi, get the fuck out of here.” Seonghwa scolded him. 

“Hwa, I’m so sorry! I’m going, I promise-” Mingi pleaded, hands coming up to try to show his innocence, but hit the stripper’s ass on their way up. 

“What the FUCK did I just say?!” The stripper wheeled on him, punching him straight in the right eye socket. 

San was there in an instant, putting the stripper in a hold and froggy walking him out the door, Mingi following dejectedly behind, trying to keep the tears from spilling out as the cold air hit his face again. 

“San, please, I’m sorry, he has to know it was an honest mistake.”

“Honestly, Mingi. Not right now. Just.” He huffed a long breath out of his nose, “Just save it. Okay? It’s not me you need to apologize to.” 

He turned his back on Mingi, heading back inside the house. 

The stripper glared up at him from his spot on the curb, holding his hand out for payment. 

“Are you insane? No one carries cash.” Mingi spat at him.

“Then Venmo me, dickhead.” Not-Hongjoong instructed him. 

“No! Fuck off. You ruined my night.” Mingi turned around, trying to start walking home, but was stopped when the stripper jumped on him from behind, struggling to put him in a headlock due to their height difference. It was enough to get Mingi to turn around, though, which earned him a knee to his crotch and a sickening crack of his jaw, followed by his left eye. Mingi doubled over and took off running the best he could given his current state, lip bleeding onto his sweater, ignoring the shouts from the angry stripper behind him, hating how high he was as he staggered home in the cold, the world around him not feeling real. 

Back at his apartment, he drew himself a bath, placing the bottle of Xanax and his phone on the edge of the bathtub before climbing in. 

His head still felt wrong from the weed. Off-kilter. Anxious. Like melting cotton candy. 

He lined up the pills on the lip of the bathtub, counted them. 

He read the label that time. 

He took three. 

Dialed Jongho’s number from memory on his phone. 

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

Again.

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

His brain went pleasantly fuzzy.

Head falling to the back of the tub a little clumsily. 

He took three more. 

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

He took three more. 

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

Hey, it’s Jongho! Leave a message. Or just text me like a normal person.

The words started to lose all meaning as his vision blurred and he sank further into the water.

His fingers dialed the only other number he had memorized.

“Mingi?” Hongjoong’s voice was sleepy, clearly worried.

“Everyone hates me.” Mingi sighed, slipping down further into the tub, water feeling like molasses on his skin. Everything felt warm. Sticky. Cottony. 

“Why aren’t you out with Seonghwa for his party, what’s wrong?” Hongjoong asked him, voice urgent. 

“I think I fucked up, Joongie.”  Mingi’s voice was slow, distant, tinny, metallic and childish sounding in his own ears, tongue too thick for his mouth. 

“Mingi, baby, tell me what you did.” He heard Hongjoong get up from bed, “Where are you?”

“‘M home. I love you guys.” Mingi sighed, his vision going spotty.

“No, Mingi, stay with me!” Hongjoong pleaded. 

But Mingi’s phone fell into the bathtub with a subdued splash as his vision went dark. 

H e y ,  i t ’ s  J o n g h o !  L e a v e  a  m e s s a g e .  O r  j u s t  t e x t  m e  l i k e  a  n o r m a l    p   e   r    s    o    n   .

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

Mingi blinked his eyes open slowly, head splitting as his pupils adjusted to the bright lights. 

The unmistakable smell of disinfected hospital hit his nose. He was equal parts relieved that he was alive and annoyed that he was so incompetent he couldn’t even kill himself properly. 

His muscles screamed as he turned to the left, finding an open-mouthed, haggard looking Hongjoong asleep on the rigid hospital chair next to him. 

Tears streamed down his face silently as he felt himself drift back asleep.

“I swear, he didn't seem that bad when he left!” Wooyoung's voice was hushed, urgent as he defended himself. 

Mingi didn't open his eyes yet, not wanting to give himself away, now very intrigued in the conversation.

“I guess the stripper must have beat him up when I kicked him out. I should have driven him home.” San's voice quivered at the end of the sentence. 

“Yes, someone should have stayed with him.” Hongjoong sounded incredibly exhausted and a little mad. 

“It's easy to see now, but I mean was he acting that abnormal leading up? I don't understand what set him off.” Yeosang sounded genuinely worried.

“You guys realize the anniversary of Jongho’s funeral was the day before yesterday, right?” Hongjoong asked reproachfully. 

The silence was deafening. 

“I knew it was soon…” San trailed off, clearly ashamed. 

“I know we were all friends with him. And I'm not saying whatever friendships all of us had with Jongho weren't important or as meaningful or anything like that. I would never minimize that.” Hongjoong took a deep breath, “But it was different for Mingi. I think we all know that, deep down. And I don't think any of us have acknowledged it. We've been pretty hard on him.”

“Who exactly is ‘we’?” Wooyoung asked, his tone biting, “From my point of view, we've been pretty normal with him. The only person he's fought with is your fiancé.”

There was a pregnant pause before Hongjoong spoke again, “I- I know. Seonghwa knows, too. He doesn't mean to be hard on him… I promise he's trying. You guys have no clue how hard he's beating himself up over this. He hasn't eaten since he heard. I'm really worried.”

“He has to know Mingi won't blame him for anything-” Yeosang started. 

“He needs to grow the fuck up and get here and be supportive.” Wooyoung huffed, his tone erring on petulant.

“Baby…” San tried to calm him down. 

“Sorry.” Wooyoung mumbled.

“He'll come by when he's ready.” Hongjoong said simply. 

“Well try to give me warning because I really don't want to see him right now.” Wooyoung spat. 

Mingi tried to stir to bring attention to the fact that he was awake, not wanting the conversation they were having to turn into a fight. 

“Wooyoung-” Hongjoong said at the same time San tried to soothe him, “Jagi-”

“Guys.” Yeosang made eye contact with Mingi as he sat up in bed. 

“Mingi!” Wooyoung nearly tripped over his feet to get to his bedside, San and Yeosang following behind, Hongjoong giving him a little more space. 

“Youngie.” Mingi croaked, his throat incredibly parched, mouth tasting too much like mouth for his comfort.

“We're so sorry, honey.” San’s face contorted, holding back tears.

“We didn't know how bad it was.” Yeosang offered. 

Hongjoong poured him a cup of water, which he took gladly, taking a sip before speaking again, “I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking stupid.” He felt tears build in his eyes again, looking over to Hongjoong, “I'm sorry you had to find me like that.”

“Mingi, no. I'm just glad I found you.” Hongjoong laid a hand on his shoulder, never being one to be very comfortable with physical affection. 

“I'm so sorry.” It seemed to be the only phrase Mingi could remember how to say. 

Luckily for him, the nurse came in then to check on him, taking his vitals and informing him that he had been accepted to an inpatient behavioral health hospital and that transport was being set up as they spoke. 

“You're sending me to the psych ward?” His stomach dropped. 

“Yes sir, we're required by law to have you admitted after a suicide attempted. You're considered very high risk right now.” She spoke as if she had delivered the same line a thousand times already that day. 

“I just failed to commit suicide and I feel like dog shit!” The effort from raising his voice made him dizzy, “There’s no amount of money you could pay me to convince me to try that shit again right now.”

His friends didn't seem to know what to say

“You will just have to take that up with your psychiatrist at the hospital. I'm sorry. If you don't go willingly, the doctor will have to put you on a 72 hour hold.” 

Mingi closed his eyes, seething, “Fucking… fine.” 

“Okay, good. I'll let the doctor know.” She walked out of the room and no one moved until she was out of ear shot. 

Wooyoung cocked an eyebrow at him, “You're really gonna-”

“Hell no. You guys have to help me get out of here. I'll stay with one of you, I promise, I just can't… please. Don't make me.” Mingi all but begged, feeling small and vulnerable like a child. 

Everyone turned to Hongjoong, the de-facto leader, often thought of by his friends as the dad of the group.

He looked between the men before finding Mingi’s eyes, sighing when he saw how desperate his friend looked, “San, trade clothes with him and go distract the nurse.” He never stopped looking at Mingi while he spoke, “We're getting him the hell out of here.”

Five minutes later, Hongjoong, Yeosang, and Wooyoung surrounded Mingi from four sides, trying to obscure him from the view of anyone who might try to stop them, though it was essentially futile, considering how Mingi towered over them, giggling to themselves as they heard the nurses gasp and squeal. San had evidently just taken off his paper scrubs shirt as a distraction. They made it into the elevator and all the way downstairs undetected, within only a few hundred feet of the front door when they heard San’s out of breath voice from the stairwell yelling, “Run!” 

They obeyed, taking off towards the parking lot, hopping into San's 4-Runner as he unlocked it to signal its location, though he himself was still a hundred or so yards behind, bare feet slapping on the pavement (Mingi had squeezed his feet into San's shoes) as the guards slowed their pace behind him, clearly accepting their defeat, out-paced easily by the athletic man. 

Mingi felt like death as he wheezed, exhausted from the effort in the middle back seat of San's car, wedged securely between Hongjoong and Yeosang, San hopping into the driver's seat. He felt like death, yes, but he also felt more alive than he had in a long time, being the first one to crack and start laughing in the car after a moment of unsure silence. Wooyoung followed second, his high pitched wild laughter making everyone else submit to a giggle fit as well. San rolled down the windows and stuck his head out as he drove out of the parking lot, hair blowing in the chill winter air, yelling, “Nice try, bitches!” as they made their escape. 

Two and a Half Years Ago

Mingi and Jongho had managed to sneak away from Seonghwa and Hongjoong’s engagement party, finding themselves in Hongjoong’s den, laying on the floor, rather cross-faded, skin still damp after coming inside from the balmy spring air that had enveloped them on the back porch. 

"I can’t believe they’re finally going to get married.” Mingi sighed staring up at the ceiling.

"San and Wooyoung must be thrilled. I bet San is scheming already.” Jongho chuckled. 

Mingi scoffed, “I think San has had a ring in his closet for a year at this point.”

"You’re probably right.” 

Mingi turned his head to look at his friend, studying his profile, the shape of which he had memorized years ago, “First those two, then Wooyoung and San. You think everyone will expect us to get married next?”

Jongho met his gaze, “Mingi, no offense, but I will only marry you at fifty if we’re both still single.”

"Promise?” Mingi was mostly joking. 

Jongho rolled his eyes, “Someday, someone will take care of us like we do each other.” He turned his head back away, “But just in case… yes. Promise.”

"Hell yeah.” Mingi pumped his arm in victory. 

"You left Yeosang out of all of that, by the way. What’s he going to do?” 

"I assumed he would move in with Youngie and San at some point.” Mingi deadpanned.

Jongho chuckled, “I’m honestly surprised they haven’t all moved in together yet.”

Footsteps had them craning their head to the back of the room.

Seonghwa’s arms were folded, “Did you guys plan on being antisocial all night?”

Mingi and Jongho shrugged, sitting up, Jongho helping Mingi to his feet. 

Seonghwa sighed dramatically, “Please come back and join us. Act normal for once.”

“Yes, mom!” Jongho mocked.  

They had to swallow their giggles as Seonghwa marched them back to the kitchen and living room, where everyone else was gathered.

The Present, October 15th

Mingi woke up, slightly disoriented, in Wooyoung and San’s guest bedroom, far too early in the morning. His face was throbbing, bruises and swelling finally going down, but still aching and tender nonetheless. He looked on the bedside table for painkillers before remembering that he hadn’t been left with any from the hospital, considering how he had chosen to depart. That, and he assumed, a cold pit in his stomach, Wooyoung wouldn’t allow him access to any meds without supervision. Really, Mingi felt zero desire to ever try to hurt himself again, but he understood that his friends were just doing their due diligence to protect him. 

Embarrassment and shame coursed over him.  

I'm a fucking mess.

He looked for his phone, finally finding it plugged in on the desk on the opposite side of the room. 

He scrolled through and replied to messages from Hongjoong and Yeosang, telling him he was feeling fine and thanking them again for their help. 

He knew it was too early for Wooyoung to get up, so he scrolled absentmindedly through his phone for a while before the pain from the wounds on his face, his split lip and bruised jaw and eye sockets, were too much to continue ignoring. He looked around in the room for any of his belongings, not finding anything except what he had worn of San’s home from the hospital. 

The dresser in the corner of the room stared at him and he walked over to take a peak. Some of Wooyoung and San’s off-season clothes were in there, shorts and swim trunks mostly. But in one drawer alone, was one of Jongho’s old hoodies. Faded dark green and perfectly worn. Mingi remembered it because he had borrowed it on more than one occasion after work, on their walk home, always having been one to forget a jacket. Jongho acted like he was put out to lend it to him, but Mingi knew as well as he had, he didn’t mind a bit. Now that he thought about it, it was totally possible that Jongho had always worn it just for his sake. The man ran very hot, constantly complaining about it, even in winter. 

Mingi brought the sweater up to his face, hoping it would still smell faintly of him, but knowing deep down it wouldn’t. He slipped it on, zipping it up, putting the hood on, and heading into the kitchen to try to find some coffee. After a few minutes of searching (much to his guilt, realizing that they had locked up their knives), Mingi found the necessary supplies to make coffee, rustling through the pantry for something to eat as it brewed. 

“You’re up early.” Wooyoung’s raspy morning voice startled him.

“Ah!” Mingi whipped around, “Sorry, yeah. My face fucking hurts.”

“I’ll get you something.” Wooyoung gave a small smile, “Sorry, you understand why I couldn’t just leave you some-”

“Nah, I know.” Mingi waved him off, “I would do the same thing. Don’t worry.”

Wooyoung nodded, “Okay, good. I’m glad. I’ll go grab it.”

Mingi poured two cups of coffee as Wooyoung returned, handing him a steaming mug in exchange for two ibuprofen tablets. 

“Thanks, man.” Mingi tossed them back, swallowing them dry, knowing the coffee was still too hot to sip on, “And thanks for letting me stay. I don’t want to put you guys out-”

Wooyoung placed his mug down on the kitchen island, his typically sharp, vulpine features turning soft, crossing over to hug Mingi out of the blue, “No way, Mingi. I’m just so glad you’re okay.” He pulled back, “I’m so mad at you, too. But it’s far outweighed by how glad I am that you’re here.”

“I’m glad I’m here, too.” Mingi confessed.

“Good.” Wooyoung blinked back tears, swallowing, “I couldn’t do another funeral, Mingi.”

“I know.” Mingi’s face flushed red, embarrassed at the idea of causing his friends so much grief, “I know. I’m sorry.”

“No more apologizing.” Wooyoung commanded, “You should keep it, by the way.” He nodded at the hoodie Mingi had donned.

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to take-”

“Mingi, I’m sure. He would have wanted you to have it. It just makes me fucking sad every time I see it. I want to remember him in different ways other than just being sad he’s gone. Please take it.” Wooyoung’s eyes were soft as they peered into Mingi’s soul. 

Mingi held his gaze for a moment, before finally nodding, “Okay. Yeah. Thank you, Wooyoung.”

“Of course, Ming.” Wooyoung sipped his coffee before turning around to retrieve a skillet from the cabinet under the island, “Let me make you some pancakes.” He stood up and cut Mingi off before he could protest, “No. I’m rephrasing that. I’m making us pancakes. And you’re going to eat them with me.”

“That sounds great, Youngie. Thank you.” 

Mingi watched as the younger began to gather ingredients, pouring them into a mixing bowl and starting to combine them. Something kept clawing at the back of his mind though. He didn’t know how to breach the subject so he just asked, “Have you um… heard from Hwa?”

Wooyoung stirred a little aggressively and Mingi nearly laughed at how his jaw clenched at the mention of their friend’s name, “No. Although to be fair, I think Hongjoong made it clear he shouldn’t talk to me right now. I’ll ask San when he wakes up, but I highly doubt it.”

“Ah.” Mingi couldn’t think of anything else to say. He understood why it might be hard for Seonghwa to see him at that very moment, but he wished he knew exactly why his friend didn’t want to see or speak to him. Was it because he was mad at Mingi? For the party, or for trying to kill himself? Or was he mad at himself? Or was it all just too much for him to face? Maybe a combination?

Wooyoung poured the pancake batter into the skillet, “I can hear you overthinking. This is partially why I’m so mad at him. He’s leaving you wondering why he won’t reach out.” He waited for the edges of the pancakes to bubble before flipping them, “You know, for someone who gave you so much grief for making things about yourself, he sure does have a nasty habit of doing it himself, doesn’t he?”

Mingi snorted, laughing at how true the statement was, “I’ve always said he and I were too similar in all the wrong ways.” 

Wooyoung couldn’t help but break a grin as he plated the first batch of pancakes, handing it to Mingi, “You might actually be right about that.”

Wooyoung joined him at the table a few minutes later, and it didn’t take long for them to defrost a bit as the man realized he didn’t have to handle Mingi with kid gloves. San joined them a bit later, and there for around an hour, everything felt almost normal. Like they were in college again, scarfing down breakfast at someone’s apartment after a night at the bars. It was so nice that Mingi found himself just staring, watching Wooyoung and San interact together. The two of them had become symbiotic practically immediately, nearly a decade ago at that point. He realized possibly for the first time ever, seeing how so painfully domestic and intimate the two of them were, that he wanted that with someone. 

He hadn’t noticed the tear slip down his cheek until San looked at him, concern falling over his delicate feline features, “What’s wrong, Song?”

Mingi laughed at the intentionally bad rhyme, “Nothing. You guys are just cute. I’ve missed you a lot. I’ve missed this.” 

Wooyoung kissed San on the cheek, “Hear that? He thinks we’re cute.”

Mingi crinkled his nose in fake disgust, “Okay less so now.”

San chuckled, “We missed you, too, Mingi.”

“We’ll make more of an effort. All of us. Promise. We all need each other and it’s time we stopped isolating.” Wooyoung looked at him a little pointedly.

“I agree.” He nodded, knowing that Wooyoung was also holding him culpable for that last part.

“Good.” Wooyoung smiled, before standing up to start clearing the table. Mingi and San helped, San explaining that he had taken the day off of work to hang out with Mingi. 

“Oh, um, I mean. You don’t have t-” Mingi started, feeling once again like a child.

“Yes. We do.” San said, a little stern, but there was no resentment in his voice. 

Mingi nodded, “Okay. Thank you. I’ll be glad to have your company.” 

San didn’t press or try to make him talk all day, which Mingi was grateful for. They watched movies and played video games for most of the day before Mingi felt like he needed a nap. They ate together like a family once again that night.

The next couple of weeks went on like that until they started to trust him again, leaving him alone during the day while they both returned to work. Mingi wondered absentmindedly if he still had a job. His boss hadn’t even called, but maybe his friends took care of it. He wondered if he even cared. Really, he didn’t know why he had even stayed after Jongho’s accident. He could bartend anywhere. If he really wanted to continue doing so was the real question. After graduating with an anthropology degree and no desire at the time to continue his education, he had just continued to do what had gotten him through college. No reason not to, he was handsome and very good at his job. Made great money. But weirdly enough, nearly dying had him taking the first look at his future that he had bothered to take in years. 

Maybe I should go back to school.

He had always liked the idea of teaching at a university level. 

Seven Years Ago

"Fuck, yes, baby. Just like that!” Mingi looked up in awe as the girl he’d had eyes on all semester from his Literature class was riding his dick, letting out pretty moans. He didn’t even care if they were fake, she felt incredible. 

Click-BANG!

The dorm door flew open, a completely distraught, clearly sleep deprived and hungover (possibly still drunk) Jongho barged in, only blinking as the girl covered herself and yelped, diving beneath Mingi’s navy comforter, laying herself flat to his chest. 

“Mingi, I fucked up. I thought my history test was next week, you’ve gotta help me.” Jongho begged him. 

“Right now?!” Mingi whined, hips still rocking under the girl whose pussy he was deliciously buried deep inside of. 

“Please?” Jongho begged him, “I’ll pay for your laundry for a month, hell, I’ll do your laundry for a month, man, but please help! You’re the only one who knows anything about history.”

Mingi’s pace picked up at the compliment, hearing the girl moan as he plunged deeper, “Okay, fine, I’ll meet you at the library in twenty, and you better get coffee for both of us.”

“Thank you so much, I owe you!” Jongho packed his backpack, moving at a tortoise’s pace in Mingi’s eyes, who was barely restraining himself from moving like a hare. 

“Jongho, get the fuck out of here!” He half-yelled, half-panted, grabbing the girl’s hips and beginning to slam her onto his cock, moaning as she moved her hips to match his movement. 

Jongho sped up, haphazardly tossing his history textbook into his backpack and darting out of the room, saluting Mingi as he turned his back and closed the door. 

"God, yes, Mingi!” The girl cried out while he rubbed her clit with his thumb, head falling back as she clenched around him. He followed moments later, spilling into the condom with a broken sigh. 

In his post-nut clarity, Mingi made a surprisingly good history tutor.

Jongho had gotten a nearly perfect score on his test.   

October 29th

Mingi was being given a chance to prove himself. He loved Wooyoung and San but he missed his apartment. He missed being alone, oddly enough feeling more alone around the couple than he did when he was by himself. 

It didn’t help that he had decided to swear off sex for the time being. He wanted to be sharp. Clear headed. 

He had decided to apply for graduate school. 

There was no reason he wouldn’t get in, truthfully, but it had been a while since undergrad and he would need to get letters of recommendation from his old professors, plus take the GRE, and write an essay for his application. All of it was due in March the following year, in order for him to start at the fall semester, but he wanted to get a head start, scared to leave anything to the last minute. 

He was being given a chance to prove himself by going out with his friends for Halloween. Promising to not take off, not do any drugs, and limit himself to a few drinks. Agree to go home with Wooyoung and San at the end of the night. 

He could do it. He felt it in his bones as he tied up his shaggy, grown out hair for his Geto costume. He could be good. 

I can be good. 

Wooyoung and San were getting ready and changing into their Gryffindor and Hufflepuff costumes in their bedroom, so the knock on their door in the living room confused Mingi. 

“I’ll get it!” He called towards his friends’ bedroom.

He opened the door to Seonghwa, dressed as Rey Skywalker. 

Mingi offered a small smile upon seeing the look of poorly disguised worry on Seonghwa’s face, “Hey, Hwa.” He moved out of the doorway, “Wanna come in?”

Seonghwa cleared his throat, stepping through the doorway, “Thanks.”

“Wooyoung and San are still getting ready but I can go get-”

“No!” Seonghwa cut him off, voice tense, “Sorry. No, thank you. I wanted to speak with you, actually. If you’re okay with that.”

Mingi led them over to the kitchen table, knowing it to be more out of earshot to his friends’ bedroom than the couch in the living room. 

Seonghwa sat down across from him, folding his hands in his lap, almost like he was trying to take up as little space as possible. 

Mingi waited for him to start. Maybe he was a little petty, but he really wanted Seonghwa to be the one to start. He felt that he was justified in being a little annoyed that it had taken the man two weeks to speak with him. 

“Mingi…” Seonghwa’s voice trembled immediately, “I owe you an apology.” 

“Hwa, you don’t have to, I understand-”

“No.” Seonghwa’s eyes snapped up to meet Mingi’s, “You don’t understand.”

Mingi leaned back into the chair, placing his clasped hands onto the table, “Okay. I’m listening.” 

“The night that Jongho…” Seonghwa swallowed, “No one knows this besides Hongjoong. But.” He breathed deep through his nose, “I had a missed call, Mingi.”

Mingi blinked as the realization hit. “You-”

“My phone was on silent. I had been on the phone with family all day, frustrated about wedding stuff. You know my parents don’t approve. It’s not an excuse… It’s been eating me alive. It’s a big reason we have postponed the wedding for so long. I’m seeing a therapist for it now but I think I was taking some of my anger at myself out on you, Mingi. Because you were with him that night. You’re a heavy sleeper and you’d been drinking. We all know that. Jongho certainly knew that. It’s not your fault you didn’t wake up when he left. I see that now. But I was deflecting my frustration with myself onto you and blaming it all on that.”

“Hwa…” Mingi wanted to tell him it’s okay. The guilt of his own secret making itself known by trying to steal the air from his lungs, stomach twisting. 

“No, please.” Seonghwa blinked back tears, “Let me finish.”

Mingi nodded, so Seonghwa continued, “When I got the call from Hongjoong. Well, Mingi, it hit me that I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I almost lost you, too. After yelling at you and kicking you out of my house.” A tear escaped his eye, making slow work through the makeup on his cheek, “I almost lost you, Mingi.” He sniffed, reaching for a paper towel to dab his eyes, “I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself. I’m so fucking glad that Hongjoong answered his phone. I should have been understanding. It never should have gotten that bad for you, Mingi, I’m so sorry.” His words started to rush out then, “I knew I should have been there at the hospital. I shouldn’t have stayed away, but honestly, Mingi, every time I thought about trying to talk to you, trying to face this, I nearly had a panic attack. Hongjoong was patient, of course, but he told me we weren’t going out tonight unless I talked to you. He was right. I’m so sorry it took this long.” He buried his head in his hands, “I understand if you can’t forgive me right away, Mingi. But I want you to know that I’m going to do better. I’m going to be there for you. I never want you to feel like you can’t come to me, or any of us. But please, please, Mingi, don’t let it get that bad again, I don’t know what I-”

“Hwa.” Mingi stood up, walking around the table, “Come here.” He opened his arms.

Seonghwa blinked at him from his chair until Mingi nodded, then his friend stood and let himself be hugged. “I’m so sorry.” Seonghwa mumbled into Mingi’s chest.

“I’m sorry, too. I never should have scared you guys like that.” Mingi admitted. 

“I’m just glad you’re here.” 

“Me, too.” Mingi squeezed him tighter, “And I forgive you, Hwa. If there’s one thing I’ve learned recently, it’s that we all process grief differently.” He released Seonghwa, moving back to his chair. 

Seonghwa sat back down, “You sound like my therapist now.” A smile worked its way up the corner of his mouth.

“Well,” Mingi laughed, “I don’t have the right degree for that. But I have decided to apply for grad school.”

“Mingi!” Seonghwa’s face lit up with pride, “That’s amazing, honey. I’m so proud of you!”

“Thanks, Hwa. I love you, you know?”

Seonghwa smiled, “I love you, too, Mingi. I promise I’ll do a better job of showing it.” 

“I’ll take it. Any extra love you have sitting around.” Mingi joked.

“Deal.”

“And then I’ll double it and give it back.” 

Seonghwa laughed, “I know you will. You try to hide it, Mingi, but I know you’re a loverboy. Soft. Hopeless romantic.”

Mingi’s head tipped back with his chuckle, acknowledging how right his friend was, “Just don’t tell anyone, okay? I have an image to protect.”

Seonghwa stuck out his pinky, “Your secret is safe with me. Pinky swear.”

“Pinky swear.” Mingi let his finger wrap around Seonghwa’s, sealing the deal. 

Hongjoong, dressed as Kylo Ren, called a few minutes later, having been waiting in the lobby of the apartment building for them. The four of them went downstairs to meet him, walking towards the subway station without being asked. Mingi was sure that they normally would have called an Uber, but they finally seemed to be acknowledging his aversion to riding in a car. 

They met Yeosang, dressed as a vampire, at the bar. 

Mingi did well for a while, but after a few hours out around so many people, noticing things he normally would have acted impulsively on - people discreetly exchanging small baggies of white powder, someone making eyes at him from across the bar, a woman trying to grind on him on the dance floor - added a sharp edge to the situation that he wasn’t accustomed to. He felt his heart rate begin to pick up, pounding in his ears, which had also started to ring. 

His instinct was to dart off out the front door alone, but he remembered his promises to ask for help if he needed it. He searched the room, finally spotting Yeosang leaving the bathrooms. 

He rushed over, grabbing his friend by the arm, “Sangie.” His grip was too tight, he knew.

His vision started darkening around the outer edges. Unable to take a full deep breath. 

“Mingi?” Yeosang studied him, seeing his chest heave, eyes looking like they were having trouble focusing, “Come on, let’s get you outside.”

Mingi’s brain couldn’t make sense of his words, “Am I in trouble again?” His voice sounded small.

“No, honey, you just need some air, I think.” Yeosang looked at him more seriously, trying to ensure his words got through, “Mingi-ssi. You’re not in trouble. You need fresh air. I’ve got you, come on.”

Mingi let himself be led outside, gulping the cold air down like water as fast as he could get it inside his lungs. 

“Just breathe through your nose, Mingi, you’re okay.” Yeosang instructed as he helped Mingi sit against the wall of the building.

Sobs racked his body unexpectedly, “I’m not trying to make everything about me, I swear!” Mingi looked at Yeosang, eyes pleading, desperate for his friend to understand.

“Mingi, no. No one thinks that. No one should have ever made you feel like that.” He grabbed one of Mingi’s hands, crouching in front of him, “You just got overwhelmed. It’s okay, really. I promise.” 

Wooyoung and San had noticed their absence, evidently, as Mingi could hear their voices, tight with worry, coming towards them.

“Oh, thank God.” San said, sitting down beside Mingi, “Hey, you’re okay, Mingi.”

“He got overwhelmed, I think he may have been having a panic attack. But he came and found me.” Yeosang explained. 

Wooyoung took Mingi’s other side, pulling his other large hand into his lap, “Good job finding Yeosang, honey.” Wooyoung squeezed his hand, “You did exactly the right thing.” 

Mingi still wasn’t back to reality, but his brain had started to clear somewhat, “No one is mad at me?”

San put an arm around his shoulder, pulling him over so his head fell to his broad shoulder, “No, Mingi, I promise. No one is mad. You did the right thing. Let’s get you home, yeah?”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to make you guys leave early-”

He heard more footsteps approaching, “Of course we’re sure.” Hongjoong’s voice, “Come on. We’re all going to Wooyoung and San’s.”

“We’ll get takeout.” Seonghwa added.

“We can watch Avatar: The Last Airbender. I know you’ve been wanting us to watch it.” Wooyoung offered. 

Mingi finally sat up, tears tracking down his cheeks, “Okay, yeah. That sounds good.” 

Who knew letting your friends help you would be so nice. 

Back at Wooyoung and San’s place, they piled together on the couch and the floor in front, pizza slices in hand as they watched Aang and the gang fight the Fire Nation. Mingi was wedged between Seonghwa and Hongjoong and he let his head fall to Seonghwa’s shoulder as he started to get sleepy. 

He awoke a few hours later to find that everyone had stayed. He was in Seonghwa’s lap, everyone else snuggled together with blankets and pillows on the carpet or curled into armchairs. It felt like a sleepover they might have had in college. His heart ached with love for his friends. Jongho would have scoffed and acted opposed to it, but Mingi smiled as he pictured the man begrudgingly staying, probably ending up cuddling close with one of them on the floor. 

For once, the thought of his friend didn’t send him spiraling. 

He had agreed to stay another week at Wooyoung and San’s on their way back last night. He knew it was the right call. He laid his head back into Seonghwa’s lap and fell back asleep once more. 

Three Years Ago

The roof of the bar was crowded, but Mingi and Jongho had managed to carve a spot on the railing for it. 

“I’m confused why we’re drinking for this particular occasion!” Jongho had to practically shout over the music and voices.

“We’re celebrating for my mom!” Mingi said it like it was an explanation. It wasn’t.

“For her getting cheated on?” Jongho was still lost. 

“For my dad finally signing the divorce papers!” 

“Ohhh!” Jongho nodded, “Okay then why aren’t you drinking with your mom about it?”

“Because she’s not ready to celebrate it, but I am!” Mingi held his cup up, expecting Jongho to clink theirs together. 

Jongho shook his head, finally doing what was expected of him, “To cheaters! May they learn their lesson and never do it again!” 

“Cheers, I guess.” Mingi laughed, confused by what exactly his friend meant. “What’s worse, the cheater or the person they're cheating on with?”

Jongho considered, “The cheater. But it really depends on how close the other person is to the situation.”

“So you don’t think cheaters should be punished for cheating? Just learn their lesson and never do it again?”

“Their conscience will be punishment enough, I’m sure. Plus, I mean, I don’t think anyone is born a cheater. Or a mistress. Criminal. Everyone has things in their past that can explain their behavior, I think. It doesn’t mean they should never live a good life just because they do something bad.” 

Mingi thought about what had just been said, unable to come up with anything to rebut with. “I think you’re one of the most empathetic people out there, Choi Jongho. Good work keeping it so well hidden. I fear if anyone knew, they would just take advantage of it.”

Jongho chuckled, “Shut up.” He took a sip of his drink, “But thank you. Don’t tell anyone.” 

~stay tuned for part two~

[bomberqueen17]

how it's going

yah my second experiment with adhd meds is like. well, this time it's making it so i can't sleep and my appetite gets shitty, which is what they normally say but i didn't really have that problem last time. i do now!!!

cut for discussions of eating/weight gain/loss shit, and the Horrible Yearnings

lil PSA, because a friend said something about this-- yah SSRIs make you fat (i gained 25 permanent irrevocable pounds on Celexa in 2012 and that's that, it's never gone away no matter what I did and it never will short of some other medical crisis I think), and it's reasonable to in a kind of not-healthy but understandable way wish that the amphetamine ADHD meds would thus make you thin. Seems like it, yeah? If you have no appetite and your metabolism is higher? I'm not finding that, though, so here to nip that in the bud is my observation that if you have trouble with comfort eating, losing your appetite does not take that impulse away, it just makes it disgusting. I actually am not a big comfort eater, but I do, like many humans, tend to derive comfort from eating food I enjoy? This takes that away without removing the need to do it. I still need to eat; if I don't, I get heartburny, emotionally distraught, and more, just like always. But now instead of enjoying the food at least, I find it unappetizing, have to force myself to prepare it, and then eat it so slowly it's always cold/mushy/melted by the time I'm done, and it's not satisfying. And instead of an occasional Fun Lil Treat as a pick-me-up, I wind up roaming the house with Formless Yearning, because I know food won't make me feel better, but nothing else is making me feel better, and I'm not getting any pleasure chemicals from anything I do, any more than I ever did. Friends have reported the dreaded afternoon/evening time when their ADHD meds wear off as being always a notable time for the Yearnings, but I'm finding that I get that just Whenever, so.

It ain't fun and it ain't cute.

But I'm determined to stick this test out to the end of the week because every day has been somewhat different at least, and I'm really trying to write down what happens. Because I was given two weeks' worth of this shit, and I tried it for a week and hated it so much I stopped, but then I didn't write down what happened so I have no fucking idea what to tell the doctor. (I also collapsed into despair and stopped calling that doctor back, but like, that didn't solve anything, and being bitter that finally getting a chance to attempt to fix my ADHD didn't work on the first several tries and in fact seems to still be beyond my capabilities because it requires me to have pattern recognition skills plus medical knowledge I simply don't have... well, it isn't helping anything.)

So we shall see. I have no attention span whatsoever and a MUCH worse working memory than usual, I routinely get up and leave the room to go do something and by the time I get to the next room I have NO memory of what it was, and unlike my normal life, I don't ever get the memory back. Usually I can retrace my steps but now that entire train of thought is JUST GONE, which is way more severe than the problems I normally have. And my usual coping mechanism, where I get up the oomph to do something by daisy-chaining several tasks together, is WILDLY ineffective now because the moment I add a second task the first one falls off and vanishes and I again, cannot recollect what it was.

I normally am no great fist at to-do lists, but I was told it's the Only Way To Make Vyvanse Work, but what I'm finding is that i am also even less capable than normal of making a to-do list have any relationship to reality. Plus I forget I made them, so. They are in fact not helping me.

I have had reasonable (like... 5 hours or more) sleep two nights this week so far, all other nights have been significantly less than that, two or three hours in most cases, which is not all that unpleasant-- at least my bed is comfy-- but does mean I have even less that I am capable of doing when I am awake, since I am so fuzzy-headed from lack of sleep. Also I can't nap, which is usually what fixes me; I am a world champion napper, but this is actually an issue from about the last six months, I cannot actually fall asleep during attempted naps, so it's futile to try. Discouraging!

Last night was a reasonable night though, so I'm carefully observing my capabilities and let me tell you I am not impressed.

So, what I'm finding is that stimulant medications make me MORE ADHD than I was before, which is. I don't know what that means and neither does my doctor so far.

I was going to write about my writing process but now this seems too whiny so I will not, I'll do that separately lol.

[petitelepus]

Oooh I love your au can I request something with kaigaku, the tokito twins or shinazugawa brothers? Sfw

Summary: You're an anxious person, but you get two Therapy Demons, twins called Yuichiro and Muichiro and they help you cope.

Warnings: Slavery, Stress, Anxiety, Fever

A/N: Slave!AU, Demon Slaves, Gender Neutral Reader, Muichiro Tokito, Yuichiro Tokito

EXTRA: I know I'm a little early, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE WONDER TWINS!

Stress and anxiety weren't new things to you. No, they were your old friends since school times and they stuck around until your adulthood.

You had seen doctors and psychiatrists for years, and gotten medications and such, but you were over the edge when your job required you to move to another town, away from your family and familiar shrink that you had been visiting for years already.

New town, new people, new life. It should have been freeing, but you were still nervous and you hated to admit it, but you were lonely also.

But all this changed when your birthday came and your parents drove all the way to the city from your hometown to bring you your present… Or rather presents.

"Happy birthday, dear!" Your parents had smiled as they stepped aside and pushed these two young-looking Demons towards you.

You blinked, stunned as you took in their clean appearance, and then looked at your parents, "They… They're Demons?"

"Therapy Demons, dear!" Your parents smiled, "We wanted you to have company and someone to help you cope with your everyday life!"

"I can take care of myself…" You muttered quietly, but you all knew it was a lie and that you did have some struggles with everyday things like eating at least 3 meals per day for example.

"Dear, these two are here to help you." Your parents said before they hugged you together, "We wish you only the best and these two should make your life a little more bearable."

You sighed but hugged your parents back anyway because you loved them, but also because they had gone through all the trouble of getting you Demons.

"Thank you…" You said as you pulled away from the hug and your parents smiled gently at you, "Remember, these Demons are here for you, but they need you also to survive."

"Yes…" You nodded as you glanced at the Demons and then your parents, "I'll take care of them."

"Good, and remember, if you ever need something then you can always call us."

"I know," You nodded, "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Your parents smiled, and so started your life with the Demons.

As time passed, you learned that these two Demon brothers Yuichiro and Muichiro, twins more precisely, were honestly a blessing bestowed on you by your parents.

They were both calm ones, but with time you learned that Yuichiro had a little sharper tongue than his younger brother had and Muichiro was calmer than his older brother. They were so similar yet still different and you found yourself looking forward to trying to figure out their personalities.

Living with them was… Nerve wrecking at first but now? It was relaxing. You weren't as stressed as you were before the Demons came into your life and you… You almost felt like a normal person. Healthy, happy even?

They were there for you when you weren't feeling good, and it was up to you to feed them, care for them, and so on.

It was late Autumn dusk and the sun was already almost all the way down. As the Summer passed, Autumn came and leaves were turning beautiful shades of yellow, orange, and red. There was also more rain, but you didn't hate it. After the hot Summer, you welcomed the cooler season happily.

You were on your way home from work when you stopped by the closest convenience store near your home and picked up something to eat for you and your Demons… But as you stepped out of the store, you noticed that your umbrella had mysteriously disappeared and it was raining like crazy.

"Shit," You cursed. You could have bought a new umbrella, but your home was so nearby so you took a risk and rushed home in heavy rain.

"I'm home," You called as you closed the front door behind you and proceeded to take your shoes and wet jacket off, "Yuichiro? Muichiro?"

The twins appeared from around the corner and nodded as they greeted you, "Welcome back, Master."

"Hi, you two."

"Why are you wet?" Yuichiro asked and you chuckled a little.

"Someone took my umbrella, but it's nothing serious." You replied as you hung your jacket and grabbed your grocery bag from the floor, "Are you two hungry?"

"Yes, Master," They both nodded as they followed you to the kitchen where you started to unload the grocery bag, but as you did that you left the best for last.

"I got you guys something a little special."

"What is it, Master?" Yuichiro asked and you grinned as you picked and placed some pudding cups on the table before them.

"Pudding!" Muichiro smiled and you were filled with joy as you saw his face brighten up. You grabbed the cups and put them into the fridge, "Yeah, for dessert! Meat first, then you get the sweets!"

"Thank you, Master!" Both twins thanked you but you couldn't help but notice that Yuichiro wasn't as excited as Muichiro was. Maybe you were imagining it?

You moved to prepare their meat for them and some cup noodles for yourself but as you all started to eat, you noticed that the older Demon was glaring at your humble meal.

"Is everything okay, Yuichiro?" You asked but just he frowned as he shook his head and proceeded to eat his meat.

Muichiro glanced at you, "Is that all you're going to eat, Master?"

"Ah, this?" You looked at your noodles and nodded, "Yeah, I am feeling a little under the weather."

"You should rest." Yuichiro said and you smiled, happy to hear that they cared about you enough to worry about you, "Thank you, I will."

Yet you didn't. After the late dinner, you walked around the apartment, cleaning and picking up clothes as you walked.

"You two, I'm doing laundry, do you have anything that needs to be washed?" You asked and the twins looked at you and frowned, "Master, please, let us do the laundry?"

"I can do this, don't worry," You smiled at the two of them, not wanting to bother them, "So, laundry?"

The Demons shared quick looks before bringing you their clothes and you hummed as you went to the bathroom to put them into the laundry basket…

But as time passed, the Demons grew worried when they couldn't hear you or the washing machine so they went to inspect what you were doing… Only to find you collapsed on the bathroom floor.

"Master!" Both twins cried out as they rushed to your side, Muichiro felt your forehead with his hand and looked at his older brother worriedly, "They have a fever…"

"Shit," Yuichiro cursed as he moved to help you up, "Help me Muichiro!"

The two of them got you up and together carried you to your room and set you on the bed and the oldest brother went to get a cool towel to set on your forehead while Muichiro looked after you.

"They…" The younger brother swallowed, "They're not going to die, right?"

"No, it looks like a common fever," Yuichiro grumbled before looking at his brother, "Look after them. I'll go finish laundry and do other things."

Muichiro nodded and pulled himself a seat to sit on while he waited for you to regain consciousness. He was worried and once in a while soaked the towel on your forehead in cool water before returning it to your forehead.

"Please…" The poor Demon murmured, "Please wake up, Master…"

"Nhg…"

"M- Master!?" Muichiro gasped and quickly ran to the bedroom door, "Yuichiro! Master is waking up!"

"Where…?" You mumbled tiredly as you forced your heavy eyelids open and saw two sets of identical faces looking at you, "Muichiro? Yuichiro?"

"Oh, thank God you're awake!" Muichiro cried out and you winched, your head feeling like it was going to be split open. You groaned weakly, "What… What happened?"

"You fainted!" The younger Demon replied and you nodded, "I'm… I'm not feeling good… Head hurts…"

"It's your fault!" Yuichiro snapped at you, shocking you and his younger brother. He scowled, "It's your fault you ended up sick like this!"

"But-?"

"We are supposed to take care of you, our human owner, yet you still go and treat us as if we're equals to you!"

"Yuichiro…" Muichiro looked at his older brother who scowled at you, "You run in the rain without any protection, you feed us expensive meat and pudding while you starve and then you even clean after us!?"

"That's…" You mumbled, "That's because I care about you guys…"

"Huh?"

"I really love you two," You confessed as you smiled tiredly, "And I wanted to spoil you two."

"That-!"

"But please…" Your bottom lip started to tremble as if you were trying your hardest not to cry, "I will look after myself more… Just… Don't start hating me…"

"We could never hate you!" Muichiro cried out, "You treat us so well, you're by far the kindest Master a Demon could wish for! Just please, don't die..!"

"I…" You smiled, moved by the younger Demon's words, "I won't. I promise."

"You better not…" Yuichiro grumbled as he turned and left the room. You frowned as you sadly looked after him and you looked at Muichiro.

"I'm sorry that I worried you both…" You apologized sadly, "But thanks to you two in my life, I feel a little less shitty about myself and can actually do stuff I couldn't before."

"We don't hate you," The Demon frowned, "We are just worried…"

"Thank you. It makes me happy to know you both like me so much."

You and Muichiro smiled and that was when Yuichiro stepped into the room with a tray in his hands. His younger brother made way for him and the older brother placed the tray with something delicious smelling on the bedside table.

"Here." He grunted and you blinked, "What's this?"

"Porridge," Yuichiro said as he helped you to sit up and then placed the tray over your lap, with a spoon, a glass of water, and what appeared to be a pain killer.

You blinked in confusion and awe, "Did we have ingredients for this?"

"No, I went out and got some." The Demon replied and you looked at him in shock, "You went out without me?"

It was forbidden for Demons to venture out on their own without their owners. The police could have taken Yuichiro away from you!

Your worries must have been clear on your face because the Demon frowned, "I made sure to wear a face mask so no one could tell if I was Demon or human."

"I…" You swallowed as you tried your hardest not to cry at the sweet and thoughtful gestures, "Thank you so much…! I love you both so much…!"

"We love you too Master," Mucihiro smiled but Yuichiro was stubborn, "Just get better and then we can talk."

You nodded happily, "I will."

[sevlawless]

okay so the n route has been bothering me ever since i played it and i needed to air my frustrations out as a way to cope i suppose

for reference my main detective who i use for n is felicity, but sometimes i also use arabella to test out some options i wouldn't normally pick and just to see how the romance works with a detective that isn't exactly that compatible with n. so when i first played, i used felicity and then later on when i was doing a deep dive into the romance and the plot, i was using arabella just to see if certain things held up yk! and lord how i wish it did LMFAO

just a little disclaimer that this is all just my opinion and i'm willing to listen to other points of view about this! and i do not mean any of what i say as a dig or to be hateful toward n, they are my favorite li in twc and the fact that i love their romance and their character so much is probably most if not all of the reason why their route in book 3 was so weird to me, and why i make the critiques that i do.

under the cut because this is a doozy and also book 3 spoilers

first of all the main thing in the demo chapters is that n gets mad if you try and fight the trappers bc they are so scared of losing you and like i GUESS i get it but this is literally our life now you're just gonna have to get used to it. and this wouldn't have even been an big issue for me if it was properly addressed! when i played using arabella i tried being mad, i tried staying mad, and it kept getting swept under the rug by the plot. like are we seriously not going to talk about this??? at all?????? and it seems very ooc for n NOT to say anything about it when you get a moment alone because why would they not address it, ESPECIALLY if your mc was still upset over it. AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE- these things need to be discussed in order to grow as a couple and there needs to be healthy communication or else this is not going to work. like you're telling me we were living with unit bravo for WEEKS and this shit just never got brought up again?

this also ties into my next gripe- n's backstory. so, if you snooped in the demo they won't tell you anything, which okay. mc shouldn't have done that, sure, but n doesn't even give a reason as to why they're upset by that. obviously you can be like "well i think anyone would be upset if you delved into their past without their knowledge or permission" but YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON WHY IS THERE NO COMMUNICATION OF FEELINGS. i would have appreciated that scene a hell of a lot more if n sat you down and was like "i'm upset that you did this, here's why," but all they do is get sad and then that's it. when i played as arabella i had her snoop AND get upset over the argument during the trapper fight, and n said something along the lines of "i know sometimes we regret doing things" as a reference to snooping AND the argument which??? just does NOT hold up at all and had me irritated as hell.

if you didn't snoop in the demo, n takes you to their room and shows you a picture of their family and talks about them and how his brother joined the navy and didn't come back (their brother was killed by vampires) and that's why they decided to join the navy, as a way to try and figure out what actually happened. this scene started off great, but it's cut short way too quickly because n drops the photo and the frame breaks. and then they basically just shoo you out. there's really not any option to comfort them, and the option that is there is not good enough. and it's not that n had to tell us EVERYTHING in that one scene, but it's more so the fact that it NEVER gets brought up again. your mc can't take a moment to bring it up and n sure as hell doesn't say anything else about it. which is so ?????? im sorry you supposedly love this person (im saying this for both mc and n) and yet neither of you address it again??? it makes no sense at all.

onto the research/combat scene… i've done the combat scene once so i can't really speak on that as much as the research one so. most of the research scene is fine aside from the fact if you're not in a relationship (which i did for one playthrough with felicity) n brings up bobby if you dated them which felt so bizarre but anyways. the option to realize you love n… i would love this IF the option where you tell n you love them actually mattered. LMFAO if you tell n you love them they literally just stare at you and then the sex scene pops up. like are you kidding me??? n would not just leave you hanging like that even if it was just to say that they don't feel that way yet. and the sex scene itself is… fine i suppose but it doesn't feel as intimate as it should be. there's little to no dialogue and it just feels so weird to read. like why would neither of you be saying anything?? not to mention the fact that you're literally OUTSIDE of the warehouse where any of ub could see you at any point it just feels wrong to have sex at that point at least in my opinion. and the talk after feels so short and weird i feel like both the detective and n would have more to say. and that moment is quickly brushed away by the plot.

i guess the next plot line is whether u told tina or verda or nobody about the supernatural. going into book 3 this was probably what i looked forward to the most and ofc it barely delivered. i liked seeing tina and n interact but that quickly turned sour for me, not because tina started rightfully bringing up how much mc has been through, but because n really does not do anything with that pov being voiced to them, which is so fucking ooc it pains me. when they go to talk to mc after their conversation there's no discussion just "i wanted to see you" okay but WHY did you? i would have taken a li pov of what tina relayed to them literally anything! and it's just another thing that gets swept under the rug because of the stupid ass plot.

another thing about the dinner that gets lost in the plot of book 3: tina/verda bringing up your li possibly drinking your blood and mc can react a number of different ways and i wish it had been talked about more than just in that moment 😭

the only scene that i genuinely enjoyed in all of n's route was after that building caves in on mc and you're back at the warehouse traumatized and bruised and defeated. n runs you a bath and if you pick that option helps you out of your clothes and then helps you settle into bed. i wish there had been more discussion of anything in that scene but mc was so out of it i was okay with no talking. and then redacted petname <3 the other thing i was most looking forward to! one thing i did dislike about this scene though was that we didn't really get a glimpse on how n was feeling yk usually mishka offers the li's pov on a scene and not having that made that moment not feel as rounded out.

the pool scene… first of all why did n get this one. like it would have made sense for m, hell even a! and again the scene felt so shallow and then the option to have sex. you're telling me your first time with n can be on a fucking pool table???? that is so not their vibe AT ALL and it feels so weird to even have that there. it was unnecessary as well as the other opportunity to have sex and i feel like mishka just put them in there as like fan service when who (in my opinion) genuinely wants this if they romance n and have them as their main route. i had hoped the first time n and mc have the opportunity to have sex it would be a more intimate setting because that's more fitting for them and my nate mc, felicity. but nope! and then the scene gets cut short because n has to go on patrol??? and again the sex scene itself … neither of them feel personable it's like a "one size fits all" type of approach and that just does not work if this is supposed to be interactive fiction where we create a personality for our mc's that cannot fit this specific mold mishka wants to put everyone in.

being invited to what might as well just be a fucking slave trade (i have many thoughts about this auction plotline as well but for now im discussing n's route) had me so confused because why would mishka even do that and then n's comment about the stationary? i need you to be fucking for real. the scene before you leave for the mission with n just felt so weird like we get it n is protective of mc but at this point it just felt like a hinderance which sucks because one of the things i love most about n is their deep care for mc and they just sounded like a broken record and it annoyed me so bad.

after all that, the scene when you come back and n is in tears confessing their love for mc i wanted to enjoy it i really did and i just could not upon replaying because it feels so unbelievably hollow. we have not discussed anything pertaining our relationship and when there are things that need to be discussed they are so underwhelming it's hard to even care. there are a handful of things n and mc both need to work on in order for this relationship to work and the fact that they're not being addressed makes it difficult for me to enjoy anything about this route. you can't even tell n you love them back for fuck's sake like hello.

a theme that i did not think was going to be as prominent as it was in this book but n contemplating mc turning into a vampire and AGAIN there wasn't ever really a discussion about this between mc and n and i feel like this will come to a head as the books progress but i don't think it fit into book 3 considering so many other things were being thrown at us.

all in all i truly desperately wanted to enjoy book 3 and enjoy being with n but i cannot when there are so many things ignored, sidelined, or just completely forgotten in order to push the plot forward.

[ask-serendipity-sky]

"Do people not know how to read body language? Hear tones of voice? See sexual tension!?!?"

This. I share your concerns. I have a whole theory about this lmao hear me out (warning, bro science coming)

I don’t know where you’re from and how old you are but as a 34 yo from western Europe who regularly interact with teenagers and young adults as part of my job, I’m totally baffled by the lack of emotional intelligence of the younger generation. Not only their level of education is astonishingly low, on top of that it’s like they don’t know how to read and recognize people’s emotions. Even the most basic ones. Many do, obviously, thank God I’m generalizing here. But I honestly think most of them grew up spending so much time online, addicted to their smartphones and social media from a very young age and it totally screwed up their ability to interact with the world. They did not spend nearly enough time with ‘real people’ in ‘real life’ and it shows. Exposure to screens and smartphones from a young age has disastrous effects on brain development. I think the emotional immaturity of the younger generation we’re witnessing now is one of the consequences. Pretty much this is backed up by neuroscience actually. Kids and teens now are more used to avatars and online fake personas, obsessed with social media, but they’re clueless about the real world outside their screens, inexperienced when it comes to healthy relationships, be friendships, work environment and hierarchy, and love relationships. Not to be patronizing but I’m seriously worried for the younger generation. I’m seeing more and more young adults unable to cope with their frustrations, some throwing tantrums like kids would, having the emotional intelligence of a 5 yo. I wish I was kidding. Some are going to struggle big time in their career and relationships.

Okay, end of my boomer rant, I’m being overly serious here but the amount of weird takes I read on this app is not so surprise to me unfortunately. Sorry for grammar mistakes and all, my English is a bit rusty.

Hello,

Ahhh an adult. Finally! I'm from the US and I'm fairly young too. I agree with your entire ask. I guess we are both boomers.

I observed this too when I was in college and tutored kids. They were social media addicts and technology dependent even though we were only a few years apart.

I had a lot of exposure to adults and interactions with people of all ages because of my parents so I think that made a big difference for me. And I didn't live in social media because of my parents.

When it comes to maturity levels and the way we deal with problems, interact with people, and understand situations, us and younger generations are sooo different.

All these kids that don't interact with actual humans miss out on skills needed to be an adult with functional life skills. They think the world functions like tiktok and twitter.

And what's worse is that actual thinking is considered "hate" or being an "anti". The only way they stop it is by bullying others instead of using critical thinking skills. So they type away thinking they made some great discovery but it's senseless information arranged to make a sentence.

It's scary.

Thank you so much for sharing.

[nientedal]

All I said was I wish my friend would shut up forever about their headcanons because they were getting on my nerves. It doesn’t matter now because my friend found out I was ranting about them and we are no longer friends well I got my wish they shut up forever like I wanted. Yeah someone in the server told my friend I was ranting about them.

You ignored my ask. I am getting sick of people not listening to me! I already apologized to someone twice they ignored me even though I told them everything they wanted to hear. What more do you people want! I told you what you wanted to hear!

WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING ME ! I just want people to listen me! Please!!! T been apologizing to this person and they keep ignoring me! Why can’t people see how sorry I am! I told them everything they wanted to hear! SOMEONE TALK TO ME PLEASE!!!

I considered just deleting these, but hey, this is maybe some kind of teachable moment??? Also I'm not sure if you'll be back to yell more later, so fuck it, I'll answer. But I'm going to be blunt. Three things.

One. I didn't see these until just now. But even if I had seen them, I don't owe you an immediate response on this website. It's hard, but you need to learn to process your own feelings WITHOUT relying on someone to reply. Also, it's my right to ignore you, but in this case? That is not what's happening, and accusing me of ignoring you as if you're entitled to my time and attention will only piss me off. I am literally a stranger. Fuck off or do better.

Two. It sucks that your friend told your other friend you were frustrated with them. You have my sympathy there. Very charitably, I assume you were simply venting and "shut up forever" was hyperbole, but if it WASN'T hyperbole...idk, maybe hang out with people who do not piss you off this way? I don't stay friends with people I don't like talking to. Perhaps consider modifying your approach to friendship in the future?

(Also, hold up, you "told them everything they want to hear" like you expect them to just get over it and forgive you and everything will be fine? Dude, that's not how feelings work. It does not fucking matter how "sorry you are"; people process shit at their own speed regardless of what you say or do. You do not control how people react to you. You control your actions, not your results. If you said something and you meant it, OWN IT. Even if it hurt someone! Apologize for hurting their feelings, but don't just say what you think someone wants to hear. Saying shit you don't mean just to get the result you want is emotionally immature and manipulative. I understand you're freaking out, but you can do better. You don't control your results, so don't try. Do whatever will help you live a life you can be proud of.)

Perhaps also consider googling "healthy coping skills" and "how to handle anxiety," and seek therapy if you can. You deserve to be able to process frantic feelings without dumping your panic onto (and demanding replies from) a total stranger. Which brings me to--

Three.

I have no idea who you are.

Genuinely, I'm sitting here blinking at my inbox like, bro, I'm 33 and left this kind of drama behind back in high school because I refuse to put up with it now. I do not know what this is about. It sucks that you're having a bad time, but I cannot help you with this.

[lasnevadaslaborunion]

i NEED yr insight on cee loanshark PLEASE 🙏

Okay LISTEN UP Y'ALL

I'll set the scene. The date is sometime after LN5 first airs. I was in the middle of rewatching Foolish's six-hour building stream in which Quackity recounts his entire life story, when suddenly my third eye burst the fuck open.

And I guess there's no better time than now to drop my c!loanshark meta.

/dsmp /rp

I've always liked these characters, and I've picked up on a lot of really cool connections between them. c!Quackity is a former idealistic young politician turned jaded capitalist, building a legacy and clawing his way up with bloody fingers. c!Foolish is a physical god who once used violence to get his way but came to regret that way of life and now copes through creating beauty. Quackity explicitly manipulates Foolish into joining him by appealing to his newfound fear of mortality, a fear which Q shares. They're both trying to move away from past versions of themselves, but what they each see as "the problem" is very different.

What compels me about this dynamic is that Foolish simply existing as himself is a refutation of Quackity's worldview; building things up rather than tearing them down worked for him. That's how he got immortality! That's why he has so many friends! And while Quackity is trying to push Foolish back into the life he used to live because he desires and envies that strength, Foolish does not want to lose himself to that side of himself; when he does join Las Nevadas, he claims he's simply trying to find a "healthy balance."

But because of the kind of person Foolish is trying to be, combined with the perspective from centuries of existence, he's in a perfect position to reach Q. Quackity has a history of getting easily attached, both to powerful people and to people who show him compassion unprompted. Foolish is both of these.

And we see this! We see Quackity in that very same stream opening up and telling Foolish everything about himself, despite admitting that it makes no sense for Foolish to stay and listen. We see him trusting Foolish to run the country after Slime died. We see him enlisting Foolish's help to make canonical babies clone an army of slimes.

And... controversial take incoming, but this dynamic is easier than Quackcicle for me to read as potentially romantic. I think that generally, and especially post-Schlatt, Quackity prefers to be intimate with someone he sees as... an equal, at least in some sense. And as much as he cares about Slime, he does not view him as an equal; him simultaneously infantilizing and idealizing the guy is one of the big problems Slime rips into him for ("you found me, something malleable"). Meanwhile, he's still Foolish's boss, officially, but he also knows that Foolish is experienced, capable of extreme violence, and definitely capable of killing him if he wanted to. He's kind, he's nice, but he's not pure. There's a certain... safety in having someone like that on your side. Doesn't hurt your ego, either.

So for Quackity it's "you are one of the few people who can truly understand why I am the way I am" and "you could destroy me if you so chose, and you wouldn't be wrong for doing so" and perhaps later on, "knowing you better now, I want to do right by you; don't I wish someone had done that for me?" with a healthy dose of "you know, the fact that this guy could snap me in half and I'm only still alive out of mercy (or am I the one in control here? Nice.) is… kinda hot."

And for Foolish, it's "I still hate you for what you couldn't or wouldn't do" and "I feel sorrow for the parts of you I see myself in" and perhaps later on, "I came here for my own benefit but maybe you and this place deserve a second chance; didn't I want a second chance my own?" with a little dash of "… okay, I'll admit it, this mortal is kind of cute, and I could always kick him and bail later if I really wanted to."

The rub we find with a romantic relationship between these two, though, is getting it to go the other way. Despite having been very civil to Q, Foolish has no reason to trust Q. This guy let him die, came into his home, insulted him to his face, and probably doesn't pay him nearly what his work is worth. Foolish still has some self-respect left. He seriously considered betraying Q to Dream, for goodness' sake, and it's hard to blame the guy.

But after Quackity's second death, Foolish is... basically all that Q has to confide in. And again, maybe he's in the perfect position to understand and discern whether or not Q's change is genuine. Given his own history, he knows that people can change.

Picture this: Quackity now has hundreds of humanoid slimes to care for, right? Maybe he wants to do better by them than he did for Charlie, and is realizing just how badly he might have fucked up by raising them the way he did. Maybe he tries to encourage them to do things independently, too, and it isn't quite working. Maybe some of them gain enough agency to be angry and choose to leave Las Nevadas, and maybe part of Q's growing process is letting them go.

But maybe Foolish stays to help those who remain; after all, wasn't he their creator, too? Doesn't he have some responsibility? And while he's teaching them new skills like building, or helping them hone their individual styles, he's also there for Q to lean on, ask questions, confess things he hasn't told anyone else. Maybe Foolish tells Q a few stories from his own past, and Q isn't horrified to hear the gory details. Maybe they go from coworkers to tentative friends, and perhaps something a little more... flirtatious. Yeah, that's the word. Nothing too serious, just fun. Like when Quackity comes to Foolish in the middle of the night, shaky from a dream he's not remorseful enough to call a nightmare yet, and asks if he can sit with him. Or when Foolish asks for feedback on a blueprint that's giving him trouble, and Quackity spends half an hour praising and hyping him up (it's little... weird, but appreciated). Maybe one day, Quackity finally gives Foolish a true, heartfelt apology.

Foolish isn't going to hold Q's hand through his self-improvement journey; Q has to face his guilt and do the hard parts alone. But maybe at the end of it, Foolish will still be there, in this cold country that's starting to feel just a bit more like a family, and maybe that says everything it needs to.

On a completely different end of the spectrum, cAN YOU IMAGINE THE ANGST IF FOOLISH HAD ACTUALLY BETRAYED Q IN LN5. AFTER Q HAD FINALLY STARTED TO TRUST AGAIN HE GETS SMACKED WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS OWN ACTIONS. WE WERE FUCKING ROBBED OF THIS SCENE. ROBBED, I TELL YOU-

Sooo... yeah. Their dynamic doesn't need to be romantic, per se, but it's a ship I find very interesting and appealing. Hence the essay.

P.S. - tiny prettyboy twink + muscular literal god, do what you will with that

[marksbear]

Ah sorry for the late response but I've just had the worst week and I think my aunt got me sick which sucks but also lost my best friend of 5 years sooooo that was a added bonus and my english professor just not liking my work 👍.But that can be fixed with black panther 2 on disney( so excited to watch that forever) and waiting for your writing.I hope you are are getting better with walking and taking care of yourself. Hope that both your pillows are super cold and have the warmest blankets and the most restful of sleep.-🐻‍❄️

No don't be sorry. You just had the worst week and you're sorry about requesting everything. Don't worry about me. You gotta start taking care of yourself my friend. Because I care about you so much. And you have no idea.

Fuck your English teacher. Don't worry about his dumb opinion if he likes it or don't like it, just don't worry. Because at the end of the day you chose what you wanna believe and do not some dumb professor.

Now that you're sick I need you to take care of yourself even more. I don't want you to end up in a hospital or something. Take things slow and don't force your body. Eat and drink properly y'know sleep and everything. I want my 50% live and well.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I truly am because I know that feeling of losing someone dear to me and it hurts. It will eat you alive all the sorrow and pain would suffocate you. So I'm saying this as a friend. Cope. Do whatever makes you happy. Don't focus on the negative things right now and focus on the good. Cope in healthy ways don't put yourself in harm or harms way.

I wish I could give you the biggest hug. I wish I could do more for you. I hope both of your pillows are cold on both sides. I hope you're eating better food than this hospital one. And I hope you are going to get through this. As you become and feel better i'll always be in your corner no matter what. If you need to vent i'll be right here.

I love you my 🐻‍❄. And I would always,

[violetswritingg]

Canary Cry

Robin/Nightwing (Dick Grayson) x OFC!

Description: Her violence was silent. Until it wasn't.

"I'm fine."

"Fine is just another word for drowning."

Rating T-M (mentions of blood, child abuse, mental health, cannon situations of violence and the like. Loss of parents, hard of hearing/deaf character, poorly written fight scenes lol)

Want to read the other chapters?

Click here

10

HAPPY HARBOR

August 8, 21:59 EDT

Kate was positioned on the south side of the building, crouching on the edge of the roof. Working perimeter with Miss Martian and Superboy. Which was almost preferable than being in a room with everyone else after the display her, Roy, and Dinah put on. She could feel their questions on the transport over here.

The last thing she wanted or needed was Kaldur pulling her aside before they had left and asking if she was okay after Roy showing up like that but he did and it was almost sweet.

She'd honestly rather just ignore that it had ever happened and block it out from her memory. Which, according to Dinah, wasn't exactly a healthy coping mechanism and Kate would definitely be going home to a talk with the woman about what happened and how it made her feel.

"Link established. Everyone online?" Kate winced at the pressure filling her head, she still wasn't used to the feeling of other people entering her mind.

"This is so weird." Artemis thought? Kate decided it wasn't worth thinking too hard about. Just accepting the fact that she now had voices in her head that weren't hers.

"And distracting. Coding a distributive algorithm on a kitty computer with less ram than a wrist watch is hard enough. Now I have to hear teen-think in my skull?" Dr. Roquette complained and Kate couldn't help but scoff.

"Lady, do you always complain when someone is trying to help you?" Kid Flash's voice entered Kate's head.

"Pot Kettle have you met?" Artemis's words made Kate chuckle, the girl catching herself and fixing her posture on the ledge. Subtly looking around to make sure no one had heard.

"Hey, hey, I do not need attitude from the girl who drove Red Arrow off the team." Kate almost wished she was in that room, if only to see this go down in person.

"That is so not on me!"

"Red Arrow was never on the team KF, him abandoning his friends and family isn't on her." Goldfinch snapped, her mood souring at the mention of the red archer, Kate not there to see the reactions of everyone. Thankfully.

"Fate of the world at stake!" Doc, in the room, waved her arms around to emphasize her frustration with the group of teens.

"She started it!" KF childishly pointed the finger at Artemis, who decided removing herself from the room would be for the best.

"How about I just help Miss Martian, Superboy, and Goldfinch patrol the perimeter?"

"Good idea. Trade places with Goldfinch." Aqualad agreed as the archer walked out of the room, quietly closing the door behind her.

"Where do I go then?" Goldfinch asked.

"Inside." Kaldur answered and Kate sighed but left her perch and headed towards the roof access door.

"You might want to cut her some slack; it was her arrow that saved your butt against Amazo." Robin said to his best friend. The speedster's reaction almost comical if Goldfinch had been in a better mood.

"What no! That was Speedy's- Red Arrow's.... Arrow. Right?"

"No. It wasn't." Goldfinch said monotonously, looking straight ahead with a frown as she lifelessly bounced down the stairwell. One floor closer to the computer lab.

"Well, still not giving her the satisfaction." Goldfinch rolled her eyes and chuckled without any humor. Wondering if this is how Dinah felt with her sometimes, but closing that off from the group chat in her mind.

"I'll make a sweep of the floor, and then report to the computer lab." Goldfinch stated before anyone could protest, Artemis and KF going back at it giving her cover.

She kept her eyes peeled as she made her way through the hallways.

"The virus won't be of much use if we cannot find the weapon. Can you track it?" Aqualad asked.

"My utility fog is not a weapon, it's science. Brilliant science. And of course, I can track it-" Goldfinch cut off the doctor.

"But she'll have to go online. Might as well rent a billboard with this address and an open invite to come kill her painted in neon."

"Goldfinch." Aqualad scolded her.

"What? I'm just stating facts here." The blonde glared at the tile floor under her feet as she walked.

"We will protect you." Goldfinch sighed and stopped in her tracks, looking up to the ceiling and internally groaning.

"What he said Doc."

"Tracking fog now." Goldfinch cleared the last hallway on the floor and started to make her way to the computer lab. Her short period of solitude coming to a bitter end.

"Mmm, that boy." Goldfinch stopped right outside the computer lab and choked down any laughter fighting its way to the surface.

"He can hear you, we can all hear you." Miss M chastised. Someone's a little territorial, Goldfinch made sure to keep her thoughts out of the mental link.

"Oh, I know." The songbird was slowly starting to like Artemis, like actually like her, not just saying she was cool with her just showing up. She was funny, only a little bit, and Goldfinch could relate to having a rough childhood. They were two sides of the same coin really, and that's what scared the bird. Letting someone else in, someone that knew Kate and Goldfinch. Caring for them and then them just... leaving.

"Miss Martian, Doctor Roquette has located the Fog. Reconfigure the Bioship so that Robin and Superboy can pursue." The aforementioned teen boys passed Kate on her way back inside the computer lab.

"Good luck." The blonde smiled slightly at Robin.

"Stay whelmed." Kate rolled her eyes, but the smile on her face growing larger gave her away, "Admit it, it's growing on you."

"In your dreams, Bird Boy." Robin only smirked at the blonde and turned on his heel, running to catch up with Superboy.

"You got that right Goldie." KF muttered as Kate, in a visibly better mood, hopped up onto the counter that ringed the room.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kate looked at the speedster confused, the red-head only shook his head with a look in his eye that screamed, "I know something you don't." And it was slowly starting to piss her off again.

"Nothing, never mind." Kate only pursed her lips and leaned back against the wall behind her while crossing her arms over her stomach.

After some time in relative silence, KF decides to stand outside the door, like a bouncer to a club and Artemis and Miss M start talking again.

"You embarrassed Superboy." Miss M accused, annoyed.

"Didn't hear him say that." Artemis fired back.

"Must you challenge everyone?"

"Where I come from, that's how you survive." Kate tensed slightly in front of the Doctors desk, Aqualad noticed but didn't say anything. That was another thing Kate could relate to with Artemis.

Kate could feel it in her gut that something bad was going to happen, and low and behold not even five minutes later, Aqualad is jumping in front of a projectile aimed for the Doctors head.

"Get down Doc!" Kate ordered, standing in front of the older blonde as a woman with dark hair and a creepy mask on her face ran into the room. An assassin sent by the Shadows.

Aqualad jumped in front of the two blondes as two more throwing stars were launched at them and imbedded themselves into his arm. "Mm, that had to hurt."

"Atlantean skin is quite dense." The assassin attacked Aqualad, who uses his waterbearers to block her twin sais.

"And my shuriken are quite poisonous." The assassin replied, Kate cursing under her breath and letting her annoyance of Aqualad treating her like she was fragile and couldn't take a hit fade. Now only worried for her leader and friend.

"M'gann, Kid, Artemis, we are under attack in the computer lab!"

Kate pulled out her batons and started to attack the assassin with Aqualad, hearing the confirmation from Artemis that back up was coming, but not able to respond as the assassin landed a kick to Kate's side and knocking her down before jumping at Aqualad and wrapping her legs around his neck and twisting to take him down. Throwing one of her blades with deadly precision, Aqualad knocking it off course just enough with a water whip to make it miss it's mark by a fraction.

Kate was up quickly and back in front of the doctor.

"Almost, poison slowing you down?" The assassin and Aqualad struggled for the upper hand, Kate prepping a scream as a last resort, knowing it would probably take out this part of the building as well as the assassin. Her powers had been stressed as a "break glass" option only to her by Aqualad for this mission.

"Jelly fish toxin, I'm largely immune." The assassin headbutted Aqualad and knocked him down.

"largely?" She raised her blade and Kate was about to lunge at the creepy mask lady when the sais was knocked out of her hand by an arrow. Artemis's arrow.

"Don't. Move." The archer ordered, distracting the assassin just long enough for Aqualad to get back up and to have Kate move to his side, fists up and ready to throw a killer right hook.

"This gigs' getting interesting." The assassin chuckled and whipped out a foldable sword. Artemis started firing arrow after arrow, only to have them all cut in half or sliced mid-air as KF and Miss M finally showed up. And helped Kate and Aqualad form a barrier around the Doctor.

"Maybe a little too interesting." She threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared.

"She's getting away! You're letting her get away!" Doctor Roquette yelled at Aqualad and Kate.

"This is all your fault! You were on perimeter, how'd that Shadow get in?!" Kid Flash yelled at Artemis, Kate pinching the bridge of her nose in annoyance at everything that had just gone down and is continuing to blow up right in front of her.

They had just gotten into a good place, where they really felt like a team, but now with a new member throwing things into chaos.... It was way too much to be dealing with on such an intense mission.

"Wasn't just her that missed things." Kate referenced herself, once again coming to Artemis's defense.

"Yeah, that's not really fair, I was outside too." Miss M added to Kate's statement. It was all very "sister solidarity".

"Outside... being distracted by her!" KF found an avenue to bring it back around on the blonde archer making Kate glare at the speedster. "Besides, I can't be mad at you."

"You gave me mouth to mouth." KF wasn't as good as keeping his own thoughts out of the mind link as Kate and the others were.

"We heard that." The team chorused making Kid groan and walk away.

"I didn't do half as well on my first battle, and I know you can't have been Green Arrow's sidekick for very long." Miss M tried to comfort the archer, in true M'gann fashion.

"Focus everyone, the shadows will be back." Aqualad ordered, getting the teams attention and pulling them back on mission.

"Robin to Aqualad, we're over Philadelphia. We've located the Shadows target, we're too late." Robin's voice came over the comms, Kate cursing internally at the news. "It's destroyed, totally destroyed. The Fog decimated it."

"This is bad," Kate muttered, gaining the attention of the room, "STAR Labs is cutting edge tech and science. And now-"

"And now their secrets are in the hands of the enemy." Robin interrupted, sounding just as pissed off as Kate. "What's our next move?"

Aqualad looked to the Doc, "Re-scan for that Fog, find it. We're moving the Doctor."

~~*~~

"You sure it's a good idea leaving the old married couple to watch her?" Kate asked the Atlantean beside her.

"Maybe not, but your powers are not meant for indoor use." Aqualad had a point, underground or close quarters were historically not smart places to use a sonic scream, which is why Canary trained her as hard as she did. Because not every fight is going to be out in the open or primarily long-range attack centered. "You are better utilized in this leg of the plan."

Aqualad paused and looked to the kind of community center building from his and Kate's positions across the street.

"Stop it both of you." He ordered, sounding fed up with their childish bullshit.

"What?" Artemis and Wally replied offended. Kate huffed and rolled her eyes.

"We can hear you glaring." Aqualad jerked his head to the side, telling her silently it was time to play their part. The two took off into the forested area behind them, and crouching behind a tree for cover.

"Miss Martian, stay in camouflage mode and make a wide perimeter sweep." Kate had to fight back the cringe at how loud Aqualad had said that, but she kept on guard, knowing it was all part of the plan.

A rustle was heard a fraction of a second before Kate and Aqualad were yanked up into the tree by sticky webs. The two fighting against the Shadow and were thrown out of the foliage, Aqualad grabbing Kate and taking the force of being thrown into a van parked on the side of street and falling to the sidewalk.

"Thanks." Kate said breathlessly as they both stood up quickly. The blonde spotting the purple clad assassin fly through the air and land in front of them, Aqualad getting knocked down by an attack from behind while the web guy tried to get Kate.

She let herself get tied up and fell, hitting her head, and "Passing out".

"The Martian could return any second, and I'm not keen on evening the odds. We end Roquette. Now." The assassins left and Aqualad and Kate got up, looking at each other with matching smirks before getting up and going to the place where they had actually stashed to doctor.

~~*~~

Aqualad paced slowly by the windows and Kate stood next to Roquette.

"I've almost got it!" Kate took a deep breath, adrenaline coursing through her veins like her own personal drug. Which only heightened when a loud thump came from the ceiling.

"We've got company!" Aqualad told the Doc, looking to the ceiling just like Kate had done.

"Any day now Doc." The blonde muttered, pulling out her batons and prepping for a fight.

"Uploading now, and you said you'd protect me. You both did." Kate really wanted to smack the doctor. Like a lot. Before she could ask herself if that made her a bad hero a metal ball rolled into the room.

"Oh shi-" it released a cloud of smoke and Kate got into a defensive stance, Aqualad pulling out his waterbearers and turning them into swords.

"No matter what, protect the doctor." Aqualad ordered before turning around quickly and taking three darts to the chest, Kate pushed Roquette behind her and backed up as the creepy mask assassin jumped down from a square in the ceiling.

"Let's test the immunity of your jelly fish immunity, shall we?" The assassin glanced over to Kate, "And maybe see how much the birdie can take. That should be interesting."

Aqualad blinked hard and shook his head to regain his bearings and rushed at the assassin. Kate following orders as much as she hated standing back and letting Kaldur do all the heavy lifting for the moment.

Kate gripped her batons tighter when the assassin took down Kaldur with only a couple hits, the toxin obviously weakening the Atlantean.

"There, limit tested, now..." The dark-haired woman turned to the two blondes. Blink and you'd miss the assassin throwing darts at the teen, Kate's reflexes really saving her ass and the doctor. Pushing Roquette out of the way and hitting the darts out of the air without really knowing how she did that.

"Holy-" Kate almost laughed but the assassin was on her once they realized her darts hadn't hit their target. "Fu-" Kate reacted, throwing up her batons, crossed over the other like an x. Blocking the shuriken and their poison.

Kate didn't wait to react again, needing to put the battle on her terms, needing to get the assassin away from the doctor and outside. Where Kate could hopefully light her up with a sonic blast. Kate's boot met the woman's stomach and knocked her to the ground. The woman caught herself though. Rolling back and into a three point stance.

Kat acted in the split second that the assassin threw more assumedly poisoned projectiles, rolling to the ground and throwing one of her batons in response. The woman standing slowly, Kate matching her pace. The woman laughed.

"Your aim could use some work."

Kate just smirked and held out her hand in an open position. Her baton came back, called by the magnets in her gloves, but not without pegging the woman in the back of the head. It was then that Kate started to feel whoosy. Bringing up a heavy hand to her exposed cheek her fingers came a way with red coating them.

Kate's world started to tip, and she went with it.

"That's disappointing, I thought you'd be able to handle more, anyway...It's time for my appointment doctor." The assassin said darkly, turning her sights to the big fish she came for.

The blonde teen seeing blurry figures, one pushing the other to the floor, a glint of something, labored breathing, muffled words. Nothing solid, like she was underwater, it was constantly shifting. Kate wasn't someone to give in though, pushing herself up shakily and stumbling after the blurry green shape she could barely register as the assassin.

Being forced back into the wall of the building when a small explosion and smoke filled the air. The shock bringing the world back into minimal focus, recognizing Artemis standing on the other side of the assassin with her bow drawn.

"Don't move a muscle."

"Wow, I am completely at your mercy." The assassin taunted, her mask on the ground, but her back to Kate so the only person who could see her face was the archer.

"You." Artemis gasped quietly.

"I suppose now is when you bring me to Justice? Let your new friends interrogate me? I don't think the bird is gonna make it much longer though, not with the stuff I shot her with. Quite disappointing really, I didn't even get to hear her scream." Artemis shot a cautious yet worried look to Kate, who was barely on her feet. "I do wonder though, if your position is secure enough to survive them learning everything I know."

Kate, in the back of her poison fogged mind could put the puzzle pieces together that this was Artemis's sister, the League of Shadows assassin, she had been told about. But she couldn't remember her name for the life of her. Her brain refusing to work like it should as things started to get fuzzy again, her knees giving out.

Smoke filled her senses and she started to cough just as Doctor Roquette and Aqualad came out of the café.

"Artemis, where is the assassin?" His eyes fell to a basically passed out Kate leaned against the building, holding back a sigh of exasperation. The blonde was most likely injured. Again. Why this kept happening was a mystery to everyone on the team.

"She uh, she got away." The blonde teen archer spoke dejectedly.

"Oh! From you? Big surprise!" KF zoomed up beside her as she walked away. "Notice, we got ours." Miss Martian hovered mid-air behind him telekinetically holding Black spider and Hookman above the ground.

The speedster looks to the ground and saw the other assassin's mask by Kate's feet, rushing to the blonde's side and picking up the mask. "Cool, souvenir! Hey GF, come on sleeping beauty, time to wake up."

"Her mask? Did- did you see her face?" Aqualad asked as he took out the darts imbedded in his chest, KF still trying to wake up Kate and getting increasingly more worried about her. Robin would kill him if she got seriously injured again while he was around.

"It was dark." Artemis said defensively, her back facing the team.

"It is fine, Robin and Superboy were able to neutralize the fog, and Dr. Roquette is safe, Thanks in no small part to you," Artemis turned to look at the group assembled in front of the internet café, "Welcome to the team."

KF hung back with Kate as Kaldur and Miss M went up to the conscious blonde. The Atlantean shaking her hand and the Martian laying a green hand on her shoulder.

"I've always wanted a sister. Here on earth, I mean, I have twelve back on mars. But trust me, it's not the same. Now I have two."

"I wouldn't know but, thanks."

KF let Doctor Roquette have a look at Kate as he walked up to Artemis. Miss Martian elbowing him in the side when he didn't say anything, Doctor Roquette helping the younger blonde up to her feet behind them.

"Yeah, welcome," he muttered unenthusiastically, about to bring up Goldfinch needing medical attention when Doctor Roquette did it for him.

"Uh, excuse me, she needs help." The four team members looked to the struggling pair of blondes and Aqualad instantly went on high alert when he saw the blood trickling down Kate's cheek. Rushing up to her and holding her head in his hands. Neck doing nothing to hold up its weight on its own, earning a low groan from the fourteen year old, sweeping her limp body up into his arms and turning to the team.

"We need to get back to the cave now."

~~*~~

"How are you feeling?" Aqualad asked the blonde laying on the scratchy bed in the medical bay.

"Fine," Kate smirked a little at Aqualad unamused face. "Really I'm alright." The blonde reassured, letting her smirk drop into a neutral look of exhaustion.

"I'm glad to hear that. I hate to ask this so soon after you've woken up but-"

"You wanna know if I saw the assassin's face," Kate sighed quietly, rolling her head to the side and lazily looking at the Atlantean, "What did Artemis say?"

Unbeknownst to either of the teens in the med bay a certain blonde archer stood just outside with her ear pressed to the door.

"She said it was too dark." Aqualad answered carefully, slightly suspicious of why Kate would want to know what Artemis had said.

"There's your answer, I could barely see my own hand in front of my face, it was all just a big blob." Aqualad nodded neutrally before giving the blonde a small smile, placing a hand on her arm.

"I am happy you are okay; the other's will be as well. Robin was almost panicked when we told him and Superboy of your condition." The Atlantean smirked at how flushed Kate's face got.

~~*~~

Artemis, after a long night with an even longer wait at the cave to see if Kate was going to be okay, finally Zeta's home. The bright light fading as she exits the phony broken phone booth, feeling eyes on her and knocking an arrow, pulling back and aiming it at the person creeping up on her.

"Step into the Light. Now." The teen archer ordered.

It was Red Arrow.

"Nice move." Roy patronized as he walked closer, making it clear he didn't see her as any kind of threat. "Almost made me believe you are Green Arrow's niece, but we both know you're not," Artemis narrowed her eyes at the correct accusation, "Still, I'm sure GA, Bats, Canary, and Goldfinch have a reason for lying. Though how they got Goldfinch to trust you at all is a complete mystery to me, so... your cover's safe. But I warn you, do not hurt my friends."

With that he walked away.

~~*~~

[the-last-rat-standing]

Finally succumbing to @jenni3penny's temptations, I started (and finished) watching 'Lie to Me', and, as we all do, I started looking for other things with Kelli Williams in it. (I'm well familiar with Tim Roth's catalogue!) Which is how I came across her newest ensemble show, 'Found'.

Here's where I subject you to my opinion of the show. 😜

^ Oh boy, talk about 'if you know, you know'.

The premise is, Shanola Hampton plays Gabi Mosely, a woman who was kidnapped as a young girl, escaped her captor, and created her own firm to find people society forgets about. There's a scene in the very first episode where a young blonde girl is missing and everyone knows her name, but when Gabi shows the press a picture of the girl she's currently looking for (young black girl), no one knows who she is. This is the big moral indicator of the show. (Not a criticism from me; it is a very valid truth.)

I paused typing here because I can't really talk about the big, BIG twist without spoiling, but it definitely needs to be talked about, because it is such a part of the show. So I'll separate the spoiler from the rest with ellipses.

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**** SPOILERS IN THIS SECTION ****

Seriously, I'm about to start talking about huge spoilers here, so scroll on. Okay, here comes the spoilers. She finds the man who kidnapped her and she has him chained to her basement. I'm not kidding. And the show uses him as this quasi-Hannibal Lector all-knowing type character who she uses to find the episode's missing person. It's a 'get into the mind of the killer/criminal' Dexter type plot that we've seen a 100 times.

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OKAY, SPOILERS ARE OVER

So that spoiler makes it hard for me to look past the real stories they're trying to tell here.

It's a standard ensemble show with the other twist being, they're all damaged in some way. Out of the 5 main characters, 3 of them were previously abducted (!!), 1 was a POW for 3 years and 1 had her son abducted 13 years ago. No one here is in a mentally healthy state, but the idea is they're all coping in their own way, and by finding these missing people, it gives them a way to deal with their own tragedies. Honestly, it gets a bit much, and half the episodes are Gabi flashbacks to when she was abducted, which takes away from the missing person of the week.

I won't get into all the characters, partly because 2 of them aren't nearly fleshed out enough, but I will say, I love Zeke, and the idea of him developing agoraphobia after his abduction is a really interesting idea. And I want to love Gabi, or at least admire her, but THE SPOILER removes the realism from the character which makes it hard for me to connect to her emotionally. I will say, there's a scene in episode 12 where I thought for a brief second that THE SPOILER was all in her head, which would have been such a mind fuck that now, I wish they'd done it.

If you made it this far, it's because you want to hear about Kelli Williams' character, so I thank you for your patience. :) She plays Margaret Reed, and she is the character whose son was abducted 13 years ago. She's actually a bit like Cal Lightman 2.0, where she can read people's reactions and inflections, but she is also heartbreakingly soft. For me, she is the emotional anchor for the show, because her trauma seems so real and her inability to let go of that trauma is also so very real. A good script can't save a bad actor, but a good actor can save a bad script, and that's what she does. On a show that is full of tropes (they even play an uplifting/sombre/hopeful/whatever fits that episode song that is usually the cover of a song you can't quite pin down), clichés and really bad Captain Obvious moments, she absolutely elevates the material. I'm not going to get into her backstory, but when you find out what it is- jfc. There are 2 moments, 1 in episode 3 and 1 in episode 11 that crush you. It's an actor who knows how to take the small moments they're given and find every sliver of goodness and heart in them.

I'm not saying the other actors aren't good (Shanola Hampton hits it out of the park, despite the clunky and otherwise ridiculous secret Gabi has), but they're not this. Part of that is because they're not given moments to make me care; that's not their fault. But part of it is because some actors just have it. And Kelli Williams -particularly in this role- has it in spades.

It's only 13 episodes (renewed for a 2nd season which they've started filming), so it's not a huge chunk of time to plow through some of the treacle. Kelli Williams definitely makes it worth your time.

[goangea]

Before

love is dangerous and cruel. at least that's what my experience with this deadly innate trait of human beings keeps teaching me. when in love, you're supposed to give yourself to someone else, to let them see you and within you, to let them know how and why you are the way you are. how can i do that when all love has brought me was shame?

i was thirteen when I gave my body away to men triple my age who looked at me like a piece of plastic ready to feast on whatever they could get out of me. i was fourteen when i was raped for the first time. I couldn't understand this though. living in a society in which my love didn't exist, in which my identity was a taboo subject, all i understood is that my love is about sex and that it happens in the bedroom. i had no models of good healthy relationships between men. actually, all the gay men i met were explaining to me how the gay world is about giving your body away, how you're supposed to feed other men's desires in order to get some sort of fucked up connection. how love is nowhere to be found because it is not accepted.

i was falling in love though. with people i couldn't have. the person i've loved the most yet was himself in a journey of self discovery and couldn't discern between sexual desire and feelings. i thought he loved me. i thought he loved me but he just couldn't be himself. i lived on that narrative for years only to discover in the end that it is not my job to heal people and it is not my bussiness to bring to light parts of people that they themselves are not ready to show. i loved him with all my heart and i still do, i think i will forever do. the flame died and we cut contact, but sometimes i still think of him smiling, wishing he is now in a happier place than when we were part of eachother's lives.

because he couldn't love me and because i could not find a place for my identity in the society i was living in, here came addiction. i filled the gaps left by him and by feeling like I don't belong with drugs and alcohol. lots of drugs and lots of alcohol. and sex. lots of sex as well. i didn't care who i was fucking or who was fucking me as long as we had the crystals and the drinks. i couldn't live through a party without ending up crawling on the floor. everytime i found myself almost dead i would call him. to swear at him or tell him i loved him, it didn't matter. i always knew his voice would calm me down.

by the time i finished high school i was a true addict. i didn't care about myself. I wasn't a person. being gay was something even my friends only tolerated. my existence was so irrelevant where i grew up and my problems were so taboo that i didn't even think of bringing them up. after all that's what all the gays ended up doing in cluj - sex on drugs and losing themselves.

somehow i made it out. i left. more like ran away. i found myself in a strange land with strange people speaking a weird language. but they did one thing that made me feel more at home than anywhere else. they understood me. i was a person. for the first time in my life. i was a person in the eyes of the society, government, law, university, everything. i mattered. i will never forget how calmly i was first asked at thr GGD if i am involved in the chemsex scene - a thing they are fully aware of and ready to help you cope or leave it for free. in romania i'm pretty sure the only people who know the term are people who are in the scene.

but this feeling of belonging led to a deep shame of my past. and that's when i did it. for the very first time in my life i actually tried to kill myself. i was so sure i would do it. i even called him to come clean with everything, to tell him how he hurt me, and that i forgive him and love him. selfish move, i know. but i wanted to die, i wanted to die for so long i can't even remember when i didnt.

but it didn't happen. my friends saved my life. i was brought into the psychward, evaluated, and sent to see a psychiatrist. that's when chapter 2 of my life began for real: bipolar.

After

i always knew there was something wrong with my head. i was always up or down, never normal, but always bad. my friends also knew it that's why they sent me to therapy when i was in 11th grade. couldn't afford a real therapist so i went to the school counselor who was not qualified to deal with my suicidal thoughts and mood swings.

the first year of university is when it got bad. i always had depressive episodes but never had real intense manic states. yes, i went through a lot of hypomanias throughout high school, but never full blown mania. my first psychotic mania was me believing i am in a relationship with ian gallagher. it was weird, i actually thought that, and I wouldn't understand why my friends were not agreeing with be, but either way i didn't have the time to think about it, since a million thoughts were racing in my head either way. i scared them, i scared them all. scared and scarred. i will never forgive myself for the way aprilia was banging on the toilet door begging me to take my meds. or how i ran away to selen's and obsessively told her the others want to kill me because they are jealous of ian. i know this sounds insane, cause it is.

but they stuck around after that. somehow i always had that luck, no matter what i did, my friends never left me alone. they always stood by my side. the period that followed was a terrifying one, but a powerful transition. i kept doing drugs and drinking. I didn't necessarily care. when i was told i can stop taking medication i took that as a green flag to sniffing as much coke as i can before i feel like i need to call an ambulance.

i went to barcelona to an old guy i met in another drugged sex date in maastricht during an arts fair. he paid for everything, i stayed at his place. we did meth the first night and he had people come over and fuck me and then i left to go to another guy's where multiple guys came again to fuck me. i liked it. I don't know. my stomach is turning as i am writing this. the guy didn't like that i spent a whole day at the other guy so when i got back he called me names and told me i am a sex crazed animal that just can't get enough. that hurt me. i was very hungover and on a huge comedown and he just kept having people over to fuck while i was in the other room and he kept inviting me to join. i wanted to cry and go home.

then i stopped with drugs for like a month. i got to romania and was feeling again psychotic and manic, though i had it under control. after a couple weeks home, i found myself again high, having sex with a man i dont know, leaving his place looking for more. it hurts to think about this.

then i met razvan. we met at a party, incredibly drunk. first thing i told him was that i am bipolar, a drug and alcohol addict and i destroy everything around me. he liked that. we started dating and we dated for about a month, though our relationship had an expiration date due to my departure for the netherlands. he was in love with me. i still don't understand why. he was so patient, so considerate, so careful with me. he cared about my trauma and was taking care not to rock it around. he shared himself to me and i liked him so much i thought i would marry him. i wanted to do it long distance, he didn't. that's how we ended, i left. he is happy now, has a cute boyfriend and they do netflix valentine's dates and wine which is cute as fuck. i am happy for him and i thank him for showing me that i matter.

back in the netherlands i didn't know where i belonged. I didn't know who i was anymore, where i'm supposed to be, who i'm supposed to be with. and the mania was getting out of control. too little hours of sleep, too much stress, it was about to explode. and so it did.

this time i was talking to jesus. convinced that he is communicating with me through ethel cain's preacher's daughter. it felt real, i felt a connection to god, one i had when i was a child but lost later in life. i was constantly listening to that album as a form of prayer, of an offering. i was ready to give myself to god, whatever that meant. what was happening in the meanwhile is that i was preaching in vrijthof while my friends were trying to get me to a hospital. i ran, they chased me around, even involved the police, but i was too fast.

later i understood Cioran's famous quoute "The premonition of madness is complicated by the fear of lucidity in madness, the fear of the moments of return and reunion when the intuition of disaster is so painful that it almost provokes a greater madness… One would welcome chaos if one were not afraid of lights in it." - what is worse than being insane? the moments of lucidity in which you realise you are insane. and that's what happened for a short moment when i found myself in a taxi on the way to the hospital, where i switched back to insane mode and yelled at the doctor that he's going to hell for trying to institutionalise the literal Messiah.

then i turned my life around. the damage i have done to my friends this time was incredible. they were visibly traumatised by my actions and i was so ashamed of what i'd done. unfortunately for me, the psychosis fades away and comes back instead of being constant. so i found myself ina lucidity moment completely destroyed by what i've done, back on antipsychotics and ready to fight this fucking disease once and for all.

i quit drugs. i quit drinking. lithium came into play. i finally felt the clinic was taking me seriously. i turned my life around. i am better now and stronger and so much more on my feet and ready to face this fucking world. i am not living in my head anymore and i am not overwhelmed by existence. i see the light, i fight my demons and i do shit. i do great quality shit, from my job as a bartender to my research at uni, i am fucking awesome. i still struggle with my physical image, but i am sure i will be able to get better at loving my physique as well. i am so fucking strong, i overcame so much fucking trauma, i am so fucking worth it and so fucking cool. i care so much about people, i love so strongly, i want to help the world through my field, i am smart, funny, have a sense for the arts, and am great at storytelling and making conversation. i deserve to be fucking loved and i deserve someone who will love me for who i am and who will understand my past and who i am right now and who will be there to support me while i support them. i deserve someone who wants me for who i am and who is willing to build something together with me that will last and will be beautiful. i am not unlovable and i am not awful. i am such a fucking great person.

so this was supposed to be a post about you jakub. but somehow through writing this post i realised that you are not my biggest issue. and also, ure not the only guy in the world. frankly, if u don't do something soon, i don't even think you'll get a chance with me. you're awesome, but i am not your ex, and i deserve someone who can commit to me and who actively shows that they like me. i get that u are anxious and maybe kinda autistic, but over the last days i was the only one putting in the effort, and guess what, a relationship is not a one way street. so act up, if u want me.