#and now I’m all dried up and everyone I love is still writing and I can’t even bring myself to read it

[hxneyfarm]

.

[kentopedia]

i miss when we first met

FEATURING. dazai osamu x f!reader & f!reader x chuuya nakahara — wc: 15.1k

SUMMARY: you'd always been in love with Dazai, but you started to doubt that he'd ever cared for you in return. chuuya, though, had never shown you anything but true affection.

CONTENTS: nsfw 18+ ONLY, pm!dazai, pm!reader, mostly dazai x reader but…, unhealthy relationship dynamics, voyeurism, cheating, manipulation, smut, degradation, guns, angst, dazai is very bad at expressing emotions, pet names, horrible communication, unrequited (?) love, the list goes on bc they’re in the port mafia just be warned

note: this took me like 4 months to finish & i am so so nervous to post it lmao. i wanted to write something different & this is very outside my comfort zone! :) but it's dazai's birthday so i figured i might as well share it today

You rolled onto your side away from Dazai, still breathing heavily as you came down from your high.

Beside you, he had shifted onto his forearms, moving up against the headboards to sit up straight. The covers fell off of him, revealing the marks that you’d left all over his body, the scars from a life lived in the mafia.

Under the red silk sheets, you were silent, your head settling into the pillow as you stared at him.

He’d deny it, but he was beautiful, a tempting, alluring creature that you couldn’t get enough of.

But you also knew Lucifer had once been God’s most beautiful angel, and it only made sense that Dazai Osamu would hold the same kind of exquisiteness.

Dazai closed his eyes, rolled his neck as he leaned back, stretching out all of the stiff muscles. He didn’t touch you again, kept a distance as he wiped the sweat that had dried on his forehead, the fluids that had stained the sheets between you.

He used to talk to you, after something so intimate. Used to hold you in his arms and trace your skin with a gentleness you didn’t know he possessed. He hadn’t always been cruel when he fucked you, hadn’t always put his own needs before yours.

Of course, Dazai had never loved you. That was something you were certain of in your very core. But he’d held at least some shred of respect for you before becoming the head of the Port Mafia. Now, you didn’t think he saw you as anything more than a means to an end.

It didn’t matter, though. It didn’t matter that Dazai spoke to you minimally when you two weren’t alone, that everyone in the Port Mafia knew you were nothing more than the woman who slept in his bed.

It didn’t matter because you loved him. You’d stood by his side since the beginning, since he’d recruited Chuuya, since he’d lost Oda.

Since he’d killed Mori.

You’d been with him through all of it, seen every horrid side to him, and you’d never once wanted to escape. Dazai had his claws in you, and he had them in deep. The thought of being anywhere but with him had never crossed your mind.

“Akutagawa told me what happened yesterday.”

You blinked, snapping out of your haze as Dazai regarded you with cool, condescending eyes. He was peering at you from over his shoulder, picking his dark button-up off the floor. The skin on his back was red from scratches, the lines dragging through his taut skin.

“Did he?” you said, looking down at your nails. You hadn’t expected anything less. Akutagawa did everything in his power to get exaltation from Dazai. “I’m sure his report was thorough.”

Dazai’s jaw clenched. His eyes narrowed, a darkened tint flashing in them. “That’s all you have to say?”

His voice was unamused, icy, and it reminded you that no matter how many times you crawled into his bed, let him use you however he wanted, he was still your boss. He was Dazai Osamu, the man whom everyone in Yokohama feared.

You swallowed. “I’m sorry.” Your gaze twisted away from him, unable to meet his hardened expression completely. “I was distracted. It was my fault entirely.”

Dazai made a noise in the back of his throat as he moved out of the bed. He sauntered across the room, so quietly and cat-like, and you buried yourself deeper into the mattress, wanting to sink into it completely.

“You’re lucky, then, that Akutagawa was able to deflect the bullets.” He began replacing the bandages that had slipped off of his face, covering his cheek with disgust.

He let you see him completely when it was just the two of you. It took every ounce of your self-control not to read into that, to wonder if it was just a habit leftover from when you were younger.

“I am lucky.”

Truthfully, you’d only hesitated for half of a second, momentarily lost in your own loop of suffering, and your opponent had gotten an edge on you. They’d shot at you, then the bomb, nearly prematurely blowing up the building.

“After decades of work, I would’ve thought you’d know better by now.” Dazai sighed wearily, like your presence irritated him. It probably did. “I’ll consider moving you. I’m sure there’s a place for you where you can’t get yourself killed if you fuck up.”

“Dazai—” you swallowed, a horrid tasting stinging your mouth as you remembered your time with him had come to an end. He was back to being Mori’s underling, the man who looked at the city like it was nothing but a chessboard. “Boss,” you remedied quickly, all too used to addressing him differently. It was difficult, sometimes, to recognize where Dazai began, and the Port Mafia’s boss ended. “It was a stupid error. In all the time you’ve known me, have I ever done something like that before?”

Dazai hesitated momentarily, before tensing his shoulders. He didn’t answer your question. “Don’t let it happen again.” A warning was in his eyes when they met yours through the mirror. “I don’t have the patience to find a replacement for you, and Akutagawa’s too valuable an asset to lose to a seasoned professional’s careless mistake.”

You exhaled, looking back down at your hands. The ones that had already been stained in so much blood, wrought with crime and bad intent. “Understood.”

You finally climbed out of the bed, missing the warmth that it gave you, even though Dazai’s cold body always sucked it away. He laid so stiffly next to you most of the time. You remembered when he used to sleep with his forehead pressed to the back of your neck.

As you dressed, Dazai kept his eyes on his work, never paying you any attention. You felt discarded, useless, and you wanted to hate him, wanted to hate yourself for longing to wrap your arms around him, hug him from behind.

“I’ll send you with Chuuya tomorrow,” he said, scanning reports and assignments that he’d thrown aside lazily last night. “An easy assignment outside of Yokohama. Think you can manage that?”

“Just give me the job.” You snatched the paper out of Dazai’s hand, and he didn’t say a word, only watched as you perused it. It was, really, the simplest task he’d given you in the past few weeks. You’d felt like he’d been overworking you just to avoid you. “Fine. I’ll take it.”

Dazai’s smile widened, sinister, and wicked. He brushed his hand delicately over your shoulder, against your neck before patting you on the head. “I trust you won’t let me down.”

Going against every sensible atom in your being, you smiled wearily. His minimal display of affection warmed you, a deep pang settling in your soul. “Have I ever?”

“No.” He held a sort of awed fascination, twisting a part of your hair between his fingers. “How lucky someone must be to be my greatest enemy. To get the kiss of death from an angel is not such a bad way to die.”

He held your cheek in his delicate fingers, and you were putty in his hands, wishing that his eyes would soften, even by a fraction. That his hand would cup around his cheek like he meant it.

Instead, he pulled away, and you felt cold, cold, cold, drowning in your own emptiness.

You scoffed, trying to regain some power in the situation. “I’m no angel.”

“Hm,” Dazai hummed, dropping his head in his hands, resuming a spot behind the desk, the deep red chair much too similar to the one in his office, the one that Mori had inherited from the previous boss. “Perhaps not to others.”

And you grew hot, feeling that, maybe, Dazai was giving you a compliment.

It was at times like these that you saw the semblance of your previous relationship. When you could tease him without feeling the weight of his superior rank looming over you. When you could kiss him without tasting venom. When you didn’t have to wonder if it would be appropriate to touch him, or if you should keep your distance.

You wanted to quit him. Really, you did.

He was a horrible, loathsome person.

You’d never be able to stop loving him.

“I could never be any sort of heavenly creature, Dazai. My spot in hell was sealed the moment I sided with the Devil.”

Dazai laughed, the sound raw and dry, so humorless. “I hope you don’t mean me. Flattery will get you nowhere,” he tsked, the tip of his tongue scratching against the back of his white teeth.  

You certainly hadn’t meant that as a compliment.

“Should I say goodbye before I leave?” you asked wryly, doubting that he’d even want to see you again. His image burned against the back of your eyelids, and you drank him in, hoping that when you died, his face would be the last thing you saw.

Dazai didn’t grace you with a simple yes or no. Instead, he glanced up briefly, his one eye exposed, mere centimeters of skin uncovered. “Goodbye.”

You nodded; lips pressed tightly together as you accepted the dismissal. With a sigh, you were out of the room, wondering why you hadn’t just showered before you left. Most of your clothes were in Dazai’s closet anyway.

You didn’t see him again before you left.

The assignment Dazai had given you was a few cities over, a task of infiltrating an enemy organization who’d gotten a little too close to the Mafia’s boundaries. It was simple enough, especially with Chuuya at your side, though the whole ordeal had you away from home for a weekend, and far too much time with your own thoughts.

Dazai had set the two of you up in a suite, one with two separate bedrooms and a shared living space. It was much more luxurious than you even needed, with a view overlooking the entire city and an extensive bar in the kitchen. The furniture was a deep, black leather, every accent dark in color.

It was conspicuous, but you’d grown too used to extravagance after being with Dazai. You allowed yourself to indulge in it.

A silly notion, really; the place you slept every night was much more lavish.

You scrubbed the blood off your face, your hands, and stared at yourself in the mirror without recognizing the person before you. The water at the bottom of the shower was a macabre shade, staining the tiles as it swirled down the drain.

Shivering, you tried to reconcile all of the things you’d done, shelve them away before you could wonder if all of it was really worth it. If Dazai was really worth it.

When you finally emerged from the bathroom, your skin rubbed raw, Chuuya was sitting at the bar, a freshly cracked bottle of wine before him. His back was tense, muscles strained as he regarded you with weary eyes, the darker shade under them obvious and alarming.

“Took you long enough,” Chuuya snorted, pouring himself a glass. The bottle was aged and dark, the label faded. He must have brought it along with him; it certainly hadn’t come from the hotel. “I was getting bored.”

You made a face, taking the seat beside him. “Well, there was a lot of blood.” You reached over to snatch the bottle, pressing it to your lips before he could protest.

“Help yourself, then,” His expression was sour, but his acerbic tone held a hint of amusement. “Do you know how expensive that is?”

“No.” You shrugged, taking a sip. Money had stopped meaning anything to you a long time ago. “Should I care?” The liquid warmed your throat on the way down.

“Probably not. You’ve surely got enough cash behind you to buy me another one.”

“Right.” You snorted and wondered how much of that stuff you’d have to drink before you’d stop feeling a thing. Thoughts of the crumbling bond that you and Dazai shared wouldn’t leave you alone. “And you don’t?”

Chuuya laughed, twirling the glass in his gloved hand. There was a hardened edge to him that you didn’t like. Opposed to Dazai, Chuuya had always been much more open with you, more willing to share his thoughts. “Well, we can’t all be Dazai’s favorite. You’ve got the keys to the kingdom, my dear. Whatever belongs to the Mafia belongs to you too.”

“Favorite?” You spat out the word, darkening at the mention of Dazai, the man who never seemed to leave your brain. It was always Dazai, Dazai, Dazai. The youngest executive there had ever been, the one who’d become the head of the Port Mafia just a few years later.

You hated him. Wished you could burn the memory of that haunted man entirely.

“Hm?” Chuuya leaned forward like he hadn’t heard you.

A bitter flavor blossomed on your tongue when you thought of saying his name out loud. “I don’t want to talk about Dazai right now.”

You brought the bottle to your lips again; it was starting to feel lighter.

“Why?” Chuuya’s eyes dimmed as he stared at you, looking for something hidden in your irises. A secret that wouldn’t be there. You’d always been too easy to read. “Did something happen?”

“I said I don’t want to talk about Dazai, and you immediately think something’s wrong?”

He blinked. Hesitated. “Well, I spent my teenage years listening to you talk about him like a lovesick fool. The subsequent years watching him stare at you in the same way.” He took the bottle away from you, tipping his head back. “Something must be wrong.”

You felt a flush at your neck, the skin itching with sweat. It was cruel of Chuuya to allude to any emotions from Dazai, when you knew they weren’t there. “That’s not true.”

Chuuya sighed. “Isn’t it?”

Although his temper had always been much worse than yours, you felt the same sort of anger claw at your back. The urge to scream at him became almost insuppressible. “Dazai doesn’t care about me like that.” You flopped down on the bar, alcohol fuzzing the edges of your senses. It felt nice, warm.

Maybe being away from the Port Mafia was better for you than you thought.

“Don’t be stupid.” Chuuya’s eyes had narrowed when your head fell forward, his fist clenching around the bottle.

“Stupid?” You immediately sat up, blood rushing straight to your head. Who was Chuuya to come and tell you everything he thought he knew? It was laughable, really. “He doesn’t care, and I think I’d know. Fuck you, Chuuya.”

You slammed your fist down on the table, hurt. You didn’t understand why Chuuya would side with Dazai when he knew how much the situation troubled you. How often had you bared your soul to him, told him how Dazai’s aloofness had hurt you over and over again?

His eyes softened, an apology immediately leaving his lips. “I’m sorry—”

“Are you?” The words were vehement. Chuuya was shamelessly against your relationship with Dazai, always coming up with one reason or another to get you out of it. Now, it seemed, he was trying to defend it. “Dazai cares or he doesn’t. You can’t keep changing your mind based on the situation.”

“Dazai does care.” Chuuya said the words like they pained him to leave his mouth, each one dragging a dagger against his chin. “You think he’d keep you around if he didn’t?”

You did. You knew that you had use outside of Dazai’s feelings, just like Chuuya, just like Akutagawa. Just like every menial grunt who had a shred of value for the Mafia.

“He cares that I have value to him.” A sigh left your lips, and you sunk your chin onto your palm, feeling like nothing more than the dramatic woman in a Shakesperian tragedy. Really, you couldn’t remember when you’d become so pathetic. “What will become of me when I can’t sink a bullet into the skull of his enemies anymore?”

Chuuya frowned, the wrinkles deepening on his forehead. “No one can predict what Dazai will do.” He let you steal his half-full glass of wine, keeping the bottle safely tucked away from you. “Would it make much difference to you if we could?”

“I suppose not.” You’d grown tired, the subtle buzz of alcohol coming in quick on your empty stomach. “Nothing matters much anymore. I’ll never leave the Port Mafia.” Saying the words out loud made it more real than you’d intended, even though it was a fact that had sunk deep into your bones the day you’d met the dark-haired, suicidal bastard. “Why do I have to love him, Chuuya? Why can’t I love a good man?”

You thought, why can’t I love you instead, and left it unsaid. The words might have been too cruel. You knew the pain of unrequited emotions.

“Because you’re in the Port Mafia. Good men would know to stay away.” Chuuya drummed his fingers against the countertop before reaching out, contemplative. Though you remained unmoving in your seat, his hand still retracted before he touched you, as if burned. There was caution in his movements, every action calculated—Chuuya was usually the opposite, as intelligent as he was. “Besides. You’ve never tried to let Dazai go. You don’t want to.”

“I want to,” you said defensively, though even to your own ears, the statement was weak. Dazai was an addiction, and you’d go back to him time and time again. Even when, sometimes, you weren’t so sure there was anything good about him. “I just don’t know how. What would I do out there in the world without Dazai?” You laughed, amused. A normal life didn’t seem possible—you’d have no idea where to start.

Chuuya’s face pinched in disgust. “Take over the Port Mafia. Kill him and run it yourself.” He huffed, running a hand over his eyes, exhausted. “There’s a solution. If you really want to get rid of him.”

You blinked back at him. A moment passed; you’d forgotten he was looking for a response.

“I suspected as much.” His shoulders slumped, defeated, as you drew back in shame. “How long will you talk yourself into this endless cycle of torment? Dazai isn’t the same man that you fell in love with, and he never will be again.” He met your eyes, cold and guarded. “There’s nothing to be done about that. If you want Dazai so badly, put up with every single part of him. I’m tired of listening to the same grievances, time and time again.” 

Chuuya made to stand, but you stopped him, grabbing his wrist lightly. He glared at you from over his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” you said, trying to convey your apology sincerely. “You’re completely right. I’ve never tried to let Dazai go, and maybe I can.”

You didn’t give Chuuya time to formulate a response. Before he could understand what was happening, you leaned forward, catching him off guard, and planted your lips on his.

For one singular moment, Chuuya had kissed you back, tasting your mouth in its entirety, before he shoved you away, scrubbing his skin like he’d been burned.

“Don’t do that.” He had a hand in your face, scolding you like a child. “Don’t ever fucking do that again.”

You stared at him; his dark eyes were full of an emotion you had never seen before. “Why not? You said I should try to let him go.”

“Not by kissing me, fucking hell.” Chuuya hissed, his voice just above a whisper like someone else was listening in. Something vile had been unleashed in him as he gesticulated around wildly. “You’re Dazai’s.” He scoffed. “Do you think any smart man would do anything with you, knowing you sleep in that monster’s bed every night?”

You sniffed, sticking your jaw out. Maybe, you’d been wrong all this time. Chuuya was like everyone else, wasn’t he? Holding you at a distance because you cared for the wrong person.

“I’m not leaving the Mafia. I’m not leaving Dazai.” You reached across the table, grabbing one of his cold hands. “I just want to be someone else for once. To know what it’s like for someone to care about me so completely.”

“It’s not going to be with me.” Chuuya yanked his hand away, laughing mirthlessly. “I never thought you’d try to manipulate me like this. “You’ve been spending too much time with him.”

Your eyes flashed, infuriated. Chuuya looked at you with some kind of betrayal, like he wasn’t the exact same way, like he wasn’t the same kind of vile person that you were. “I know you’re in love with me, Chuuya. I know you’ve looked at me since we were sixteen years old, wished so badly I would look at you the same way.”

His jaw clenched, the anger giving way to something else. “Don’t start.”

“You’ve wanted me all this time, haven’t you?” It was a genuine question; one you’d always been too scared to voice. Chuuya was the only person you considered to be a friend and knowing that he felt that way about you would ruin your friendship completely.

Though you had one sip too much of alcohol running through your veins, and you’d spent two days wondering how you could stop feeling a single thing for Dazai. Rationality had left you entirely.

Chuuya was silent, still watching you with hesitance.

“You’re the only person in the Mafia who really cares about me, aren’t you?” you said, softer, wondering if you could lure him in. Spring him into a trap you’d both be certain to regret in the morning. “You’re the one who talks to me about everything, who watches out for my well-being. Who’s never looked at me like I was anything but the prettiest girl in the world.”

And though Chuuya still didn’t trust your actions, his eyes had softened just a hair, his body releasing the tension. “You are.”

You smiled, but his compliment made you feel nothing but guilt. “Then why won’t you let me kiss you, Chuuya?”

“Because.” He scraped a hand over his face, breathing heavily like it was taking every ounce of his willpower to resist you “Dazai will kill me, you understand? He’ll kill you.”

“Wouldn’t you at least like to know?” You invaded his personal space. Each word you spoke cracked him a little bit more. “I know you’ve imagined me spread out before you, entirely exposed to you. How I’d look with my hips arching off the bed, crying out your name—”

“Stop it.”

“I’m right, aren’t I?” You felt like you were losing your mind. Something had cracked in you, and you couldn’t come back from it. Things would never go back to the way they were after those careless words had been tossed into the world. “You’ve always wanted me, so why, when I’m giving myself to you completely, won’t you accept?”

Chuuya swallowed. His voice had grown thick with desire. He raked his eyes over you cautiously. “You’re asking a lot from me, baby.” He held your cheek, grazing the bone in the gentle way that Dazai had forgotten. “Believe me, I want to. But you’ve had a lot to drink.”

“I haven’t,” you said, grabbing his wrist before he could pull away. The touch of another person felt so nice against your icy skin. “I’m okay. I’m not drunk.” You weren’t—the alcohol had just made you brave enough to ask. “Please, Chuuya.”

He swallowed thickly. “He’ll kill me.”

“And he’ll kill me. Just as you said.” You met his eyes completely, wondering why you couldn’t care for this man in the same way, why his lips weren’t as alluring as Dazai’s, why his voice didn’t set a blaze deep in your stomach. “Do you really care whether Dazai thinks of me as his?”

His cheeks were flushed, eyebrows pinched, and you spotted the moment he began to draw back. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I just can’t.”

Then, you panicked, eyes becoming glassy as he released you, turning to retreat back to his bedroom, and you scrambled for another way, a way to bring him back to you.

“Chuuya, please,” you said, desperation in every syllable, and when he turned around, you knew you had him wrapped around your finger. “I just want to know what it’s like with a person who loves me. Can’t you give me that?”

That was it. That was all you had to say. When Chuuya bowed his head, you knew he’d given in.

“Why do you think I can give you what he can’t?” Chuuya’s voice was nothing more than a whisper. “I’m not that kind of man. I’m not the kind of man you’re looking for.”

“No,” you said. “You’re not that kind of man. You’re Chuuya. The only person that’s always been there for me.”

He hesitated, momentarily, before sweeping you into his arms, his touch the softest you’d ever felt. “Are you certain that you want this?”

“Yes.”

“Then it doesn’t matter if Dazai kills me.” Chuuya spoke into your mouth, carving the words into your aching heart. “You were always going to be the death of me, anyway.”

His lips were upon you again, kissing you with the hunger of a starved man, and you gave him back as much as you could, which was the despair of a lonely woman. His touch was one of loving hands as guided you back into the bedroom tenderly.

When your back hit the bed, he asked if you were okay, asked if everything was comfortable. The concern in his eyes had rarely been seen in Dazai’s own—you couldn’t remember the last time he’d taken care of you first.

“I’m fine, Chuuya,” you promised again and again, and you smiled, caressing the soft skin of his jaw.

His lips pulled back in return, and then your shirt was thrown over your head, carelessly tossed towards the corner of the room. Though, no matter how many articles of clothing you lost, the necklace that Dazai had given you still rested against your collarbone.

You cupped your palm around it, trying to avert Chuuya’s gaze as he stared down at the precious metal, something conflicting in his cool irises.

“It’s okay,” you said, doing your best to distract him. You wouldn’t take the necklace off. It didn’t matter how much Dazai had hurt you; you needed the reminder of the absolute infidelity you were committing. “Keep going.”

Feeling more anxious than you had before, you kissed Chuuya, trying to dispel the bile that gathered in the back of your throat.

“You’re so beautiful,” Chuuya said, kissing every inch of your face, his hands hovering over your chest. “I could look at you forever, and it wouldn’t be long enough.”

Chuuya’s sentiments warmed you, but words weren’t enough. You pulled his vest off, then the buttoned-shirt and every other intricate article of clothing he wore.

It felt wrong. His height was wrong. His skin felt too warm under your palm.

“When did you fall in love with me?” you asked, breathing heavily. Desire pooled in your abdomen against your will, your own heart betraying you. Still, it was nothing more than the most basic reaction of human nature, raw and primal, unaffected by the organ that was jailed within your ribcage.

Chuuya was surprised by the question, and he paused, his face just inches above your stomach. “I think I realized when I was seventeen.” He huffed out a laugh, inhaling your perfume. “It was the first time I saw Dazai kiss you. I thought I was going to be sick.” He continued kissing down your body, sliding your pants past your hips. “I’d always wanted you. I guess I just didn’t realize until then.”

You exhaled, feeling tears spring to the corners of your eyes, ones you suppressed.

Dazai had given you flowers that day. You remembered how they smelled, the rainy spring breeze. The way the sun reflected in his brown irises, melting them into candied honey that brightened his entire complexion.

“Then take me, Chuuya. If you’ve wanted me for so long, then fuck me like you mean it.”

His dark eyes flashed, but his gentle caresses never turned rough, never sped through a single moment you had together. You smiled, your expression peaceful and open when he finally slid your panties off, your cunt throbbing as his finger brushed against your swollen clit.

Chuuya took his time with you, singing praises that you hadn’t heard in a long time, and you came once around his slender fingers, the ones that were much less skilled at knowing every place you enjoyed being touched.

When he finally sunk inside you, you still felt empty, unfulfilled. You tried to lose yourself in his mouth, in the taste of wine and Chuuya, and dug your fingers into his back.

“Feel so good around me, baby.” Chuuya whispered into your skin, imprinting the words into your neck. He was careful not to leave any marks, though he wanted to, wanted to claim you as his own. “Taking me so well.”

You tugged on his hair as he kissed down your collarbone, between your breasts, his breath hot and heavy. Though you cried out, you kept your voice quiet, still fearful that someone might hear, might know exactly what kind of betrayal you’d committed.

Chuuya thrust into you slowly, so much gentler than Dazai, hitting the spot deep inside of you that had you arching off the bed. “Fuck,” he said, choking on his own breath. “You have no idea how you make me feel.” He was full of desperation, his hands digging into your hips.

“Chuuya,” you said, holding his head between your palms.

He gave you the brightest smile in return, sad and meaningful. “I know. I can feel you squeezing me tighter. Let go for me, doll.”

His hair was just as soft, but it wasn’t dark enough, wasn’t short enough. His kiss didn’t feel the same, and you felt tears blurring your vision as you realized you’d never wanted him, you only wanted Dazai, and this was all wrong.

Still, you came around him, as he was buried deep inside you, but his name never left your lips, not even as a breathy whisper, because the one that was sitting there was Osamu.

And when he pulled out of you, you stroked him with practiced laziness, moving your hands in the way you knew Dazai liked, even though Chuuya felt so much different in your palm.

Chuuya kissed you as warmth flooded into your hand, and then he was breathing heavily, collapsing onto the bed next to you. He kissed you over and over, holding you tight, and you smiled, satisfied, because at the least, you knew this was what love felt like.

You’d never get it from the man you wanted, so you’d take it from Chuuya, even if it made you feel rotten inside.

The room smelled like sex and betrayal, and Chuuya took care of you, carried you out of the bed for a bath, and gently rinsed away the sweat and grime.

You were silent for most of the time, only reassuring him when he asked if you were alright.

For the first time, maybe you were. You imagined a future where you could learn to love Chuuya, a future where you were finally able to rid yourself of Dazai and start over again.

But it was nothing more than a delusion, a dream that would never happen. Dazai was a part of your soul. You knew that and Chuuya knew that, even as he closed his eyes next to you, the woman that would never give her love to anyone else. Your heart beat and bled for Dazai Osamu, every inch of your being meant for him. It would kill you to let him go, and if he died, you’d die right alongside him.

You turned away from Chuuya, burying your face in your hands, completely unaware that he’d left the bed to sleep in the other room.

You didn’t talk to Chuuya the next morning, not when you took a private car back to Yokohama, not when you stepped foot back onto the Mafia headquarters. Things between you had soured, just as you’d suspected, and you didn’t know how to fix it, didn’t think there was any way to go back from what had happened.

Higuchi was waiting for the two of you when you walked in the door, her blazer perfectly pressed, and her shirt tucked. She greeted you with a half-smile—gesturing towards the stairs. “The boss wants to see all of us for a meeting. He said you two would be arriving at this time.”

You nodded, and Chuuya scoffed, shaking his head. “I’ll never understand his superhuman ability to know what’s happening all of the time.”

Swallowing, you followed Higuchi, trying not to hear the foreboding nature of Chuuya’s statement.

Most high-ranking Mafia members were in attendance, with Dazai at the head of the table, the dark wooden chair beside him eerily empty and welcoming. You took a seat, and Dazai’s eyes ran over you, smoothly and hastily, before a small smile appeared on his features. “No injuries?” he said, and though his tone was professional, you could hear the slightest bit of concern.

“None,” you said, and something in your voice cracked, ever so slightly.

You were such a fool. You’d never be able to hide something like this from Dazai.

He eyed you suspiciously, before sliding his glance over to Chuuya, who was as cool as usual. His face was shadowed by his hat, hiding any evidence of a sleepless night.

“Chuuya,” Dazai said, tucking his palm into his hand. “Debrief.”

Your partner gave Dazai every last detail, summarizing as best he could, and sliding in the occasional sarcastic remark as he leaned back casually in the chair. Dazai listened with boredom in his expression, drumming his fingers against the table until Chuuya’s monologue was complete.

He turned to Akutagawa, who bowed his head an immediately launched into his own assignment.

You blinked—you hadn’t realized that Akutagawa’s squad had been sent elsewhere. It made no sense for Dazai to send you with Chuuya when your own division had a separate mission.

The meeting wrapped up quickly, and the members scattered, going their own separate ways for the afternoon. Chuuya refused to meet your eye as he got up from the table, one of the last to leave the room.

As you stood, Dazai closed a hand around your wrist, his thumb brushing your pulse.

“Was the hotel alright?” he asked, his head titled curiously. “You look tired.”

You took a sharp breath.

Fuck.

“It was fine, Osamu,” you said, and when his name slipped easily from your tongue, something in him changed. He loosened the hand on your wrist before releasing it entirely, the bandaged palm falling into his lap. “Thank you.”

Dazai nodded, turning away from you, and you’d forgotten that there were still other people in the room. Akutagawa, who lingered with morbid curiosity, and his sister, who had always sort of pitied you for your tumultuous relationship, bore witness to the brief interaction.

Behind them, Chuuya stood tense, his back straight as he crossed the threshold, sparing you only a glimpse before exiting into the darkened hallway.  

“Alright,” Dazai said in a hushed voice, his face schooled back into the usual, guarded expression. “I’ll see you later.”

It wasn’t much of a response, and he didn’t elaborate, keeping his steely eyes ahead as some low-ranking members trudged in for a meeting with their boss. He’d be busy all afternoon, it seemed.

You swallowed, and left, knowing that it was fruitless to try and keep a secret from him.

Chuuya waited for you outside, his arms crossed as he regarded you with a contempt that hadn’t been there before, such a contrast to the loving man you had seen last night. “This changes everything, you know?”

“I know,” you said, your voice thick with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, Chuuya.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he scoffed. “I was the fool. I made my choice.” Chuuya sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I meant what I said, though. Yesterday. It was all true, and if you need anything, I’ll be here.”

You felt a chasm open in your chest, and you wished the floor would’ve swallowed you whole. You were losing everyone, it seemed, and maybe, Dazai really did have a point with his talk about suicide.

When you stepped into the bedroom, Dazai was sitting on the edge of the bed, the setting sun casting a shadow of his own reflection. He was twirling a pistol around his pointed finger, staring at the wall with blank eyes.

You shut the door quietly, your hands shaking against the golden knob.

Though you hadn’t made a sound when you walked through the door, Dazai’s gaze was on you immediately, sensing your entrance.

You’d never been able to slip past him.

“You’re back early.” Those were the first words that came to your mind, your voice breaking the uncomfortable silence. He was regarding you with disdain, his jaw set coolly. His hair turned bronze in the evening rays, loose strands scraping against the bandages.

“I am.” His jaw clenched, examining you with a singular, dark eye. You felt exposed under his gaze, laid bare for him to see no matter how much you shrouded yourself with. “You sound like you’re unhappy to see me.”

Dazai ran his finger along the trigger like he’d never held such a weapon before, the gun becoming an object of morbid fascination. 

You exhaled. There was so much space between you, a distance you weren’t sure you’d ever cross again. Though you thought you knew Dazai better than anyone, in that moment, he was unreadable—a chapter of pages that had been torn out.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” you said, standing tall. Despite your nerves, you were fixated on Dazai, always drawn to him like a moth to a flame, desperate to uncover the very thing that could kill you. “I miss you every time we’re apart. You’re no stranger to my feelings.”

You could offer him that, at the very least. An undeniable truth before everything between you shattered.

Dazai stood, his dark coat billowing out behind him as he finally came to face you, suddenly seeming much taller than you remembered. And with one look, you knew that he knew. He’d always been too smart for his own good.

“I’m not certain of that any longer,” he laughed, though it was a bitter sound that clawed its way up his throat. “Why don’t you tell me the truth, instead.” Dazai stood before you with a smile that was so sweet it was almost sinister. “Aren’t you going to tell me what you did?”

You weren’t sure which one of you would blink first, caught in some deadly staring contest. Most people would’ve surrendered to him by now.

 “Why?” you jutted your chin out, refusing to give in to him in any way. If you were going to die, and you were, you would make sure Dazai knew everything you’d never told him. “You already know.”

“No.” He poked the gun into your cheek, right beneath the sharp bone. He’d clicked the safety off moments before. “I want to hear you say it. You betrayed me.”

When you refused to say a word, Dazai hissed and cocked the gun. He pressed it to your temple, the metal cold against your delicate skin.

“Say it.”

You sniffed. He wasn’t giving in, and instead, stood there silently, unmoving until you finally caved. There was something about the color of his eyes. No matter how much they hardened, you still remembered the young man he used to be. The one who wasn’t quite so cold, who picked you flowers, even with blood dripping down his arm.

“Fine.” You narrowed your eyes. “I fucked Chuuya.”

Dazai blinked. Then, he started laughing. Crazily, maniacally. You saw too much of your old boss in him that it made you sick.

“Shameless.” Dazai took a step back and dropped the gun to his side.

“What?” you sneered, pressing yourself up against him, refusing to be intimidated by the man that had been yours for years. “Should I be ashamed?”

Dazai’s eyes flashed, his jaw clenching. “Yes,” he said, fists curling at his sides. “After everything I’ve done for you.” Dazai grew quieter, flicking a strand of hair out of your face. “Do you feel no remorse?”

“You can’t be serious. What have you done for me, Dazai?” You grew still, grabbing his wrist before he could touch you again. “You’re not upset I was with another man; you’re just upset that it was Chuuya.”

You poked him in the chest, a hot stream of air exhaling through your nose.

“I gave you everything, didn’t I?” The two of you spoke at each other, avoiding the answers, never acknowledging what the other had to say. Around and around you went, an endless circle until one of you finally conceded. “I’ve given you the world, and you still wanted more.” Dazai finally broke free of your loose grasp, stroking your cheek. “What can Chuuya give you that I can’t? I ask for nothing but honesty.”

There was no jealousy in the tone, no sorrow; it was the most genuine question he’d asked you in months. The inquiry of a man who’d lost sight of himself in the past few years, and who’d somehow, over time, forgotten what it meant to care for another.

“You gave me nothing,” you said, but somewhere along the way, your cheeks had grown wet. You’d been struck by the sudden affection in his voice, the softness harsher than a slap to the face.

He was a horrible man, the worst kind of man. Yet, you couldn’t imagine a life without him, a world where you existed alone.

The truth rested at the edge of your tongue. It wouldn’t solve much, your affection for him never had solved much, but at least he would understand.

“This was never about wanting more. I never wanted Chuuya. You’re a fool if you think that.”

Dazai was silent. You pressed on.

“I wanted you. I’ve only ever wanted you. I’ve devoted my entire life to you. I do everything you ask.” You were breathing heavily, big gulping breaths that contained minimal oxygen. “I asked for nothing in return. Nothing but for you to care about me, and you never did.”

“Is that the case?” Dazai laughed humorlessly.

You ignored him, your confession leaving on one heavy breath, a string of words incomprehensible to your ears. “But Chuuya loves me. He always has, and he made certain I knew that.” You paused, averting your eyes. The entire city could be seen from the window over his shoulder. “He told me all of that, and you know what I thought the whole time?”

Dazai scowled.

“I wished that he was you instead. I wanted it to be you so badly, I wanted it to be you saying those things to me, kissing me like I was the most important thing in the world.” You took his wrist again, pressing the gun back to your temple. The cool metal was almost soothing against your skin. “Please, Dazai. Give me this one last thing. I’m begging you to kill me. I can’t take this any longer.”

His finger rested on the trigger.

“I want it to be you. I’ve never wanted to die at anyone’s hands but your own.” His hand felt just as it always had in your palm, his fingers much longer, but his skin so soft. It was almost comforting, how familiar he was, and you longed to be a part of him, to bury yourself deep within him and wear his skin as your own.

Dazai’s expression twitched, and you smiled at him, the taste of salty tears spilling into your mouth.

As you closed your eyes, you prepared for the noise, hoping your blood splattered on Dazai’s coat and stained it, the proof of your existence inerasable. You hoped that Dazai would grow to regret it, would realize that your love for him was close to unconditional.

But the violence never came. The cool metal fell away from your skin, and when you opened your eyes again, Dazai’s shoulders had slumped, the very image of defeat.

“Do you honestly think I can bring myself to kill you?”

“What’s the matter?” you asked, blinking your eyes open. You reached for the gun again, but he drew back, as if stung. “Afraid to lose your best assassin?”

“No.” Dazai’s eyes were hard, his frown set deep into his face. “I’m afraid to lose the woman I love. The most important person in the world to me.”

You stared. Blinked. Then, the worst kind of emotion washed over you.

You swallowed over and over, trying to get the bile out of your throat. You’d wanted to be done, wanted to escape. And yet—

“Don’t say that.” you shook your head, backing away as Dazai inched closer, too close and you felt yourself getting sucked back in, remembering that you’d loved him for years, and you’d never love anyone else. “Fuck you, Dazai. Stop toying with me, and just kill me."

“I love you. I thought you knew that my darling angel.”

You were crying harder, shaking your head. “I don’t believe you. You don’t care about me.”

“No?” Dazai had grabbed your wrist again, but it was so soft. “I thought you were smarter than that. Did you think you were partnered with Akutagawa at random, and not for the sole reason that I knew he’d do everything in his power to protect you? Did you think I moved your seat next to me at meetings because you were nothing more than my stupid whore? Bought you everything you ever wanted because I couldn’t stand you?”

“Yes,” you said, sniffing, feeling yourself melt where he touched you, itching to reach up and pull the bandages off his face, see the beautiful features beneath them that he hid from the world. “You don’t care about me."

“I do care,” he said, fingers grazing your chin. “I’ve killed for you. I took over the Port Mafia so I could give you everything you wanted. Why wasn’t that enough?”

“Because I never wanted that. I never wanted any of this. I wanted you, Dazai Osamu. That was all.”

Dazai frowned, and then he bowed his head, kissed your neck, then around your earlobe, and it was the softest you’d ever felt in your entire life, a gentleness you hadn’t known he was capable of. When his hands snaked around your stomach, pulling you back against him, you were lost in his adoration.

“You never said anything,” he said, kissing your shoulder, breaking the tension in the muscles. You were his, in every lifetime, you’d be his. “I thought you were… happy?”

“How could you think that? I’m not happy, Dazai. I’ve never been less happy.”

“Not even when I tell you that I love you?” he kissed your knuckles.

“Do you love me enough to be a better man? Do you love me enough to let me sleep in your bed and see your whole heart instead of the fragmented pieces that you sliced up just to hide?”

“Yes.” The word was resounding, resolute. “I love you enough to forgive you.”

You held him at a distance, lips falling apart easily. “But I don’t want to forgive you.”

“You will.” Dazai smiled, that irritatingly knowing smile of his that you’d fallen for in the first place. “You will because I mean it this time.”

“You never apologized,” you looked away, trying to find the strength to move. You were enraptured, in every fiber of his being. “You never will. You never do.”

“I never knew anything was wrong,” he frowned, and it wasn’t the truth, but it wasn’t a lie, and you had him so close that you just wanted to forget anything had ever changed. “How was I to fix it if you never told me?”

His words were full of poison, but his voice was so soft you couldn’t help but fall back into him. Perhaps, you should’ve said something. Maybe your actions had never been enough.

“How long have I been at your side, spent hours listening to your every word, even when they didn’t make sense to me? You should’ve known, Dazai. I shouldn’t have to tell you something like that.” Your words were losing their bite, and his lips quirked up, knowing that you were slowly coming back to him, clearing you of the sins you had committed.

He was hesitant, thoughtful, before pressing a kiss to your forehead. And perhaps, that was the final straw in your resistance, his gentle kiss enough to set your soul on fire.

“I’m sorry, my love,” Dazai said, his lips ghosting over yours, handing over the apology like a gift. “Won’t you give me a chance to fix it now?” It felt like a bad idea. Dazai wasn’t deserving of any more chances; you’d already given him years of second chances, had always given him the benefit of the doubt.

“You expect me to believe you’ll let us off scot-free?” you said, your face deadly close to Dazai’s. “What about Chuuya? Will you kill him in my place.”

“You’ve got me in your hand, love. If you want me to punish Chuuya, just say the word. I’ll kill him if that’s what you want.”

It wasn’t. That was the farthest thing from what you wanted, but you worried that if you sounded too enthusiastic, he might just follow through with it.

Instead, you pulled him to you, grabbing the dark tie that he wore around his neck. He grinned into your lips, his saccharine smile seeming much too deadly to be all that sweet. “Do you honestly think I believe a word that you’re saying?”

“You want to,” Dazai said, curling his hand around your jaw, his fingers brushing your ear. “That’s what matters the most.” He kissed your lips, and you could taste the difference, all the love he poured into it this time. It wasn’t like kissing a statue. “It’s all true, anyway.”

You broke away, breathing. “I won’t do this anymore, Dazai.” You finally had his hand in your own, placing the gun back to your temple. “You’re not the man you once were, and you’ll never be him again.” The smile that graced your lips was sad, though it was knowing. Things were always going to end this way.

Dazai’s face wrinkled as he tried to decipher all the words you’d never spoken. “I’m not the same man, that’s true, but my affection for you has never died.” He cupped his other hand around your cheek, hesitantly keeping the gun to your temple, squinting with his head bent.

“You’re the leader of the Port Mafia, and such a ruthless man wouldn’t let a betrayal go unscathed.”

There was a wave of silence while the two of you stared at one another, sifting through the situation with hardness in your jaws, the tension palpable within the air. Dazai straightened, clarity in his irises as a smooth smile burned onto his lips.

“Is that what you want?” he said innocently. “You want to be punished for your insurrections?”

Your mouth grew dry, but you held your ground firmly, swallowing back all the uncertainty. Perhaps you didn’t want to die. Perhaps you did. You just hated the gaping hole inside of you that never seemed to leave. “I want you to kill me.”

“Kill you?” Dazai laughed, then the hilt of the gun was against your temple once more. He held your chin steady between his forefinger and thumb, regarding you with thinly veiled disgust. “You’ve never wanted that before. Not when I asked you to die alongside me, to follow me far into the afterlife.” He sighed, releasing your chin before cocking the gun. “This isn’t about death at all.”

“What—”

“You want me to claim you, is that it?” He clicked his tongue before leaning forward, sneering. “Perhaps it’s that other way around. You want everyone in the Mafia to know I belong to you, hm?’

You blinked, though you began to feel weak in the knees, the eyes that you knew so well suddenly intimidating. “I never said—” but even then, your voice wavered, unsteady and uncertain of the immediate heat that had swirled under your skin.

Dazai’s mouth curled, a gruesome smile there. “I know you better than anyone. I’ve always known exactly what you want. Even though I shouldn’t forgive you, I can’t help myself.”

You swallowed, and Dazai had taken a step forward, pushing you with him, the gun still swaying at your temple, even when the backs of your thighs hit the bed. You fell onto the mattress, and he was on top of you, his finger caressing the trigger as he collapsed.

Dazai had never scared you, not even when he was a child you’d barely known, the teenager shaped in Mori’s image. Though, now, the unreadable expression on his face was alarming you, and you wondered if all this time, you should’ve been fearful.

Still, even with your underlying hesitance, you felt a wave of desire crash over you at the sheer need in his eyes. It wasn’t something you were unfamiliar with, but there was something else there. Maybe it was the love you’d just never noticed.

“Osamu,” you said in a quiet voice, not afraid, but not confident either. Your finger brushed the point on his wrist—it was the same heartbeat you’d always recognized.

“What?” he said, taunting you menacingly as he towered above you. “You were so bold just a second ago? What happened, darling?”

Unable to do anything but blink back at him, Dazai brought his thumb to your lips, brushing it across the plump skin before dipping it into your mouth.

Unprepared, you nearly choked, eyes blown wide as you stared back at him. Though, there was a command within his eyes, and you obliged, sucking as you watched the saliva drip down to his palm. Dazai pulled it away from your mouth with an obscene pop, giving you a sweet smile from his position above you.

Despite your humiliation, you shifted your hips on the bed, bringing your thighs together to provide you with a fraction of relief. Dazai’s eyes flashed at the movement, his smirk widening with an amusement.

“You’re nothing more than a dumb slut, aren’t you?” Dazai’s hand ghosted of your stomach, settling on the inside of your thigh momentarily. You ached with need, swallowing your pride and any demands that you could make of him. “Had Chuuya all to yourself this weekend, and still expect me to fuck you senseless.”

Your brow furrowed, and you opened your mouth before shutting it, lips still covered in your own spit. “Osamu,” you began, attempting to diffuse the situation, to explain that what had transpired between you and Chuuya meant nothing, but he never gave you the opportunity. “It wasn’t—”

Dazai’s gaze hardened, the adoration disappearing the moment you dared to speak. His fingers deftly wrapped around your throat, thrusting you into the mattress with enough force to quiet you entirely. “Shut up. If I want to hear you speak, I’ll ask. Understand?”

You could do nothing but nod, hating yourself for the ache that had grown more and more intense in your core, desperate for some sort of contact. Dazai, distracted with his own task of tearing your top off, had failed to notice the breathing that had grown heavier, the flush of heat that spread on every inch of your body.

His slender fingers finally removed the confining pants, a task he did skillfully with one hand still wrapped around your throat. Then, his fingers were against your aching cunt, and you twitched, letting out a heavy sound from the singular movement. You could feel yourself pulsing against nothing, desperate for his fingers between your legs.

“Pathetic,” he said, his fingers lazily dipping through your folds over your underwear. “I’ve barely touched you. How can you be this fucking wet?”

“Please,” you said quietly, your own hand aching to take over, if only to provide yourself that relief that he refused to give you. Every time you shifted into his hand, he brought it away, taunting you with the release you so craved.

“Please?” Dazai was mocking, cruel, every bit of the person people expected him to be. The one he never had been with you, not until recently. “You’re nothing more than a greedy little whore. Must have been why you fucked Chuuya without a second thought, huh?”

You were silent, staring him down with a clenched jaw. Your brain was twisting, betraying you, turning into empty cells within your skull, and you weren’t sure how to handle the accumulation of emotions that you felt for the man before you, the one who’s love had always been purposeful and merciless.

“Well?” he said, tightening a hand to close off the air to your lungs, trapping you with his strength. “Answer me.”

“No,” you gasped, and when your words sounded choked, when you clawed at his wrist, he loosened his grip just a hair, the only indication that the man you loved was in there at all. Still, your hips acted of their own accord, shifting further into his hand. “I’m sorry, Osamu, I am.” You felt tears prick at the corner of your eyes as he finally slipped his fingers under your panties, rubbing your aching clit. “I wanted you; I needed you and you were never there, but Chuuya was, and—”

You were a stammering mess of desperation and regret, feeling unglued under Dazai’s hands, like the words you’d been meaning to say could finally come out. He was the only one who’d ever listened to you completely, who you’d felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. Yet, it had been so long since you’d let yourself be open with him, and now that the opportunity arose, you were too weak to deny it.

“I was always here,” Dazai said harshly, and you were almost certain that his anger was genuine, the tone breaking in his voice a result of true sadness. “You never came to me, and I thought that’s how you wanted it to be.” His fingers sunk into you, and you threw your head back into the pillow, moaning sinfully with the lewd sound of him sinking in and out of you, the wetness collecting with every movement.

“You never showed me you cared,” you cried out, certain that there were tears streaming down your cheeks, and you should’ve been humiliated. It was humiliating—the way you were clothed in nothing, crying as Dazai laughed at you, taking full control over your body. How he could’ve done anything to you in that moment, and you would’ve let him, because that was just how much you wanted him.

“And Chuuya was the solution?” He grabbed your cheeks with the hand that had once been around your throat, pinching them to make you look at him. “You going to pass yourself around the rest of the Mafia, sweetheart? Who’ll get a taste of you next? I’m not so certain even Akutagawa would pass up the opportunity.”

His words were senseless, meant to hurt you, and you still couldn’t stand the anguish that was in his eyes.

“No,” you said, and you leaned up, wanting so badly for his lips to be on yours, to feel some semblance of the connection that you’d always had with him. “I wouldn’t, Dazai, I’m yours.” You choked on the sounds of your own moans, your thighs shaking with every change in pressure. “I’m yours. Please, I need you.”

You were certain there were marks on your neck from his fingertips, and Dazai ghosted his mouth along the delicate skin there, biting at the soreness from before. You jerked, digging your nails into his back as you drew closer and closer to your climax.

“Don’t make demands.” Dazai leaned back, and you missed the closeness, the sharp scent of him lingering in your space. “Chuuya hasn’t been a part of this conversation yet. Should we get him up here? I hadn’t considered what to do with him, but this might suffice.”

Dazed and drunk on the feeling of his hands all over you, it took you a moment to process what he was saying. His hand was already swiping through his phone, picking the number of the man that you least wanted to see.

“No, Osamu, don’t—” you cried out, and yet, you made no move to stop him. Instead, you remained pliant on the bed as he sunk another finger into you, his thumb moving in agonizing circles against your clit.  He tucked the cellphone under his chin, smiling at you maliciously, controlling you with every blink of his lashes.

You had always had trouble resisting him. Now was no different.

Chuuya answered as you released another moan, and Dazai was grinning wickedly, as if some larger scheme had finally come together, the culmination of everything he was plotting. “Boss?”

“Chuuya,” Dazai said, and you flinched, locking gazes with his deep brown irises, the color so alluring and beautiful, a shade that had darkened with each misfortune you’d endured together. You hated him, you did, but there was a fine line between the two, and your love for him would die with you, would transcend whatever simple rules the afterlife placed on Earth. “How quickly can you make it up here?”

You could hear the hesitation on the other side; Chuuya didn’t say anything for a moment.

“A couple minutes, I think. I haven’t left the building.”

“I’ll give you a couple minutes then.” Dazai’s words were clipped as he hung up the phone, throwing it to the arm chair a few feet away from the bed.

His attention was back on you completely as you let out a shaky breath, trying to regain some semblance of composure before Chuuya came into the room. Though it was so hard when the pools in his irises were pulling you deeper, locking you into a heaven that you’d never been able to reach.

Dazai pulled away briefly, his soaking fingers leaving your body to alleviate his cock from the confines of his dark pants, hovering before you.

You swallowed, not able to remember the last time your desire for him ached this badly. Your eyes trained on the very part of him that you wanted inside of you, the tip flushed so beautifully. There was nothing on your mind but him, how you wanted every part of him, even if it meant enduring misery after misery, and Chuuya was right—if you were to love Dazai, you needed to love every part of him, even when it seemed impossible.

A whine escaped you and you were reaching out to him, knowing he’d never let you live down your humiliation, but the future was not a part of your logical thinking, not now. “Want you inside me.”

“Surely you can hold off for a few minutes,” Dazai said, though the way his toned chest pressed to your own, and how he kissed your face with a tenderness you’d forgotten made it nearly impossible for you to refrain. “So desperate for my cock.”

You wanted to touch yourself—you would’ve, had you not been so nervous of the fact that Chuuya could come in at any minute.

“Tell him to leave,” you said, dragging your fingers through his hair, finally kissing him like you’d been wanting to, and the sound was sinful, heavy with lust as you forced a taste into his mouth, wishing every part of him was a part of you too. “I don’t want him or anyone else, just you, I promise—” 

Dazai cut you off and ignored your pleas; he smiled against your lips, though it was anything but kind. “I think he’ll enjoy seeing you like this, won’t he? You’ve got such a filthy mouth on you when you’re fucked properly.” He kissed his way down your chest, resting his face just above your breasts. “I bet Chuuya didn’t see this side of you, did he?” Dazai licked a circle around your nipple, tugging it between his teeth. “I’ve done nothing but call you names and you’re dripping all over the sheets.”

You shook your head, feeling pained by how badly you wanted release.

“Of course not.” Dazai sat back up like he could sense Chuuya approaching from the other side of the door, his presence bold and detectible. “He’s forgotten what’s mine, after all.” He smiled at you once more, kissing you with a kind of love that only he could portray, the kind that was nowhere close to innocent. “Don’t cum until I tell you to. Be good for me, okay?”

Dazai had always known what to say to you, even when your relationship was falling apart, even when you hated him more than you loved him. His words could be so tender, the praise melted in with the unkind quips of his tongue. It was the gentlest tone he’d used since your clothes had come off, and you couldn’t help but melt under him, nodding like you’d give him anything he asked of you.

Of course you would.

Dazai traced your features delicately, grinning maniacally, ears attuned to the quiet that broke from the footsteps approaching. His cock was lined up against your dripping hole, and it took every ounce of restraint not to plant yourself on it, trying so hard to please him, the sinful man who held too much power over you.

“You’re so pretty like this, aren’t you? My beautiful little whore, always willing to take whatever I give you.”

“’Samu,” you babbled, blinking away the tears as you latched onto him, wishing you could spare yourself the humiliation, but too drunk on him to care. He shifted you forward, taking your thighs in his hands and placing them around his waist. “I can’t take it all at once—”

“You’ve done it before. Do it again.” He growled, squeezing your throat once more in one smooth motion, thrusting into you. And though you had doubted how prepared you were, he slid into you easily, already so loose and pliant from his fingers. “See? Never forgot the shape of me, sweetheart. Even after you’ve been with another man.”

You let out a choked moan as Chuuya walked into the room, lost in the ache and the burn and the pleasure that came with loving and fucking Dazai.

There was one singular pass of silence before Chuuya spoke, letting the door shut with a quiet click on the hinge. “Boss—” Chuuya was hesitant, though his eyes were immediately drawn to you, raking over your blissed-out form. “You said to—” His hand was still on the knob, though he was distracted, and tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, ashamed but so full of want that it ached.

“Come in, Chuuya,” Dazai said sharply, his words solid and commanding, and you couldn’t help it when you clenched around him, drawing him further into you with nails scraping down his back. “We should discuss something.”

“Well, can we talk about it when you’re not in the middle of fucking your girl?” Chuuya asked, swallowing down the desire he hid so poorly. His cheeks had flushed, words just on the edge of stumbling and slurring together. “Another time, maybe.”

“This is the perfect time, actually,” Dazai stopped moving, already breathing heavily above you as you stared, whined, needing so badly for him to stop teasing you. “Besides,” his eyes drifted knowingly to Chuuya’s obvious erection as he laughed darkly. “I don’t think you mind so much.”

Dazai pulled back painfully slowly before sinking into you with a quicker thrust, your back arching off the mattress to catch even more of him inside of you. A barely noticeable sweat had broken against his hairline, and you stared at him, mouth slightly agape in awe at the boss of the Port Mafia, the one you somehow had wrapped around your little finger.

Your breathing had grown unsteady as his cock got deeper and deeper inside of you, hitting where you’d never been quite able to get with your fingers, the thickness of him catching on every sensitive part inside of you. His hand was back between your legs, rubbing circles on your clit, and you weren’t sure you could last much longer, not as he carried on a conversation with Chuuya, who watched you with darkened eyes, barely holding himself back.

“Please, Osamu,” you were practically begging now, your cheeks glistening with wetness as you clawed at the muscles between his shoulder blades, surely leaving bruises all down his spine. “Please, please, let me cum.”

Dazai made a tsk noise in the back of his throat. “Not yet. I don’t think you deserve it quite yet, does she, Chuuya?”

Chuuya sniffed, shifting uncomfortably as his pants grew tighter. “Gonna punish her all day, boss? Such a pretty thing should get what she wants, shouldn’t she?”

Dazai dropped his chest closer to you, going deeper into you, and you cried out his name, though your eyes were still locked with Chuuya, as if he were going to be your savior. You remembered how gently he’d touched you, how careful he was, and you wondered why you’d ever wanted that at all.

“Chuuya thinks he can fuck you better than me, darling, but you know that’s not true, don’t you? He’d spoil you too much, but this is what you want, right? You want to be called a stupid fucking cockslut.” Dazai grinned against your lips, whispering in a breath that only you could hear. “Just so that at the end of it all, you’ll be my good girl.”

You whimpered, soaking him as you clenched harder. Your brain had gone numb from the feeling of him. Dazai was smiling viciously, but you could see the underlying tenderness.

“She looks so pretty right now, doesn’t she Chuuya? Not a single thought in that beautiful little head of hers.” He smiled at him knowingly, dark hair flopping into his eyes as the rest of the loose tendrils stuck to his forehead. “You’re lucky. You’ve gotten two chances to see her now. Twice as many as most men who fantasize about fucking a woman that sleeps in another man’s bed.”

Chuuya’s voice was raw, his words cracked. “You’re sick, Dazai,” he said, clenching his hands into fists. “Putting on a show like this just to punish me.”

“You and I both know you’re enjoying this.” Dazai traced your cheeks sweetly, kissing your lips deeply. You let out a strangled breath into his mouth, something on the precipice of a moan. “Can you do one thing for me, pretty girl? One more, then I’ll let you cum, how’s that?”

You nodded, desperately, as Dazai’s fingers finally dipped back down, rubbing agonizingly light circles.

“Tell Chuuya who’s making you feel this way,” Dazai said, pushing your face away from him to stare straight into Chuuya’s dark eyes. “Tell him who you love the most.”

“You,” you gasped out, clenching tighter around him. What an easy request to make—you’d never loved anyone else. “I’m in love with you.”

Dazai sniffed, though he was patient, slowing his thrusts almost to a stop. “Not good enough. I need you to be more specific.”

You cried out, locking your ankles onto his hips, trying to force him back into you. But Dazai didn’t budge, watching you until you provided the answer that he so desired. “I love you, Dazai.”

He frowned, shaking his head once more. “My name. Say it. It sounds so sweet from your lips.”

“Osamu,” you choked out. “I love you, Osamu. I love you. I love you.”

Dazai finally smiled above you, gently tracing your cheeks with his thumb as he slowed down the pace of his hips. “I love you too, darling.” His words were soft, whispered into your lips before he turned away, meeting eyes with Chuuya across the room. “See?”

Chuuya was glowering, stiff as a board, his face pink, and his legs shaky. “I got it, Boss.” He choked out, though his eyes were on you, unable to leave your body, even as he tried so hard to be polite. His aching cock strained against his pants, and he breathed sharply, swallowing over and over. “Do I need to be here any longer?”

Dazai laughed, and you thought he looked so pretty when he did that, his smile flashing wide and alluring, the corners of his eyes crinkling marginally. “Never said you had to stay. I figured you’d want to watch her come undone one last time.”

Chuuya, for as noble as he wanted himself to be, made no move to leave, glued to the spot on the floor beyond your bed. He was just across the room, but you couldn’t focus on anyone but Dazai, Dazai, Dazai, Dazai, the man who you’d killed and bled and committed horrible acts for.

You said his name again, scrambling to bring his attention back to you, hands on his face with a desperation you didn’t realize you’d possessed.

And Dazai, with the kindness of a man he wasn’t, placed his hands just above your stomach, leaving kisses across your chin as he thrust into you, sweetly, menacingly, one last time. “You did so good, my love. You can cum now. Make a mess all over my cock, beautiful.”

You jerked, squeezing around him as you felt the pressure in you finally release, the colors shifting and changing between your high as Dazai brought you in and out of an orgasm, his words reaching your muddled brain with soothing noises. Your body twitched as your muscles spasmed, sweat gathering in the space under your knees. There was little in your mind, save for the dark-haired man that had quickly become your whole world.

You smiled lazily, lacing your fingers with Dazai as you slowly began to come back to yourself. The world around you was empty. Chuuya had all but disappeared into a block of nothingness as you stared into the world itself. If there was no Dazai, there was no you, and it was as simple as that. He was everything you’d ever wanted—you’d be a fool to ever left him go.

As you regained your breathing, still sensitive all over, Dazai came inside you, spilling hot release into you, and you couldn’t bring yourself to care, too busy being satisfied with the feeling of him all over you.  His hands never left you—he was delicate, caring, pressing loving touches into your skin as you recovered from your high.

“I’m yours, Osamu,” you said, closing your eyes as you basked against the bed, wanting nothing more than to curl up against him, bury yourself in the warmth of another body. 

He smiled against your cheeks, lips flushed and bruised. “I know you are,” he said to you only, before pulling away. You shivered, but opened your eyes, and he’d already held the gun out to you, presenting it as an offering. “That’s why you’ll be the one to kill him.”

It took you all of ten seconds to remember who him was, and that the man who had borne witness to your most intimate moments with Dazai had not disappeared and was still gawking at you from the corner of the room.

“What?” you asked stupidly, your jaw falling open.

“You heard me.” Dazai pressed the pistol into your palm, curling your fingers around the handle. It was like ice against your hot body, and though it’d been years since your first time firing such a weapon, you suddenly felt like you were there again, uncertain, and afraid of the dangerous firearm. “Kill him.”

You stared at Chuuya, the honest man who, even despite his rough exterior, had been there for you since you were kids. You remembered how the three of you had been so close, for such a long time, until Dazai had gone and killed Mori and fucked it all up.

It felt wrong. The entire situation was wrong, and it never should’ve come to this.

“It’s Chuuya,” you said with tired eyes, something in your voice pleading and desperate.  

Dazai shrugged, holding you close against him as you struggled to sit up in the bed. Your muscles ached and you were still so sensitive, but reality was coming back to you. This was all a mess, and you wanted so badly to feel shame at everything you had done, but you were trying so hard just to–

“You’d think I’d let him live after what he did?”

“Osamu.” You weren’t sure you could bear it. You’d always sworn to kill whatever adversary Dazai and the Port Mafia faced, but Chuuya would always be an exception. You wanted him in your life as much as you wanted Dazai, someone you could trust without fail, who would listen to you complain even when it hurt him. “I won’t do it. He’s my friend. I thought he was yours too.”

Dark eyes full of disdain met your own, and he pinched your jaw once more, a mixture of devastating anger. “I can’t allow a traitor to live. I’ll kill him if you won’t. Then, I’ll kill you. Then myself.”

You shoved him away, suddenly wishing you weren’t so exposed, on display in the middle of the room. “Then fucking do it already, Dazai. What are you waiting for?” A tear broke free from your eye, and you wiped it furiously, not giving him a chance to mock you.

“Stop.” Chuuya finally spoke, his voice drawing your attention like a commandment, and you fell silent, refocusing on him as he bowed before you, dropping to his knees. Eyes locked onto your own without a single fear, cruel acceptance surrounding dark pupils. “It’s alright. I deserve to die. I’ve broken your trust, boss. I might as well be a traitor to the Mafia.” He swallowed, though he was unwavering. “I don’t want to live with this feeling any longer.”

“Don’t say that.” you spat, hating that such a strong man was giving himself over, exposing every weary weakness that he’d come to carry. “You don’t mean it.”

“I do.” He sighed, straightening his spine as he leaned forward towards your hand, much as you had done before, and you realized that this was such a sick, twisted change of fate. That the affection you’d always doubted was real after all, but Chuuya was still left playing the fool.

Perhaps, you were of the same vein, wanting desperately to die in the heavenly hand of the one you loved most. You could understand him for that. You could grant him one final wish.

“Do you regret any of it?” Dazai asked, as the wheels in your head spun, the decision dawning upon you, handed over from the ancient tragedies, rival even to the gloomy romances of Shakespeare.

Chuuya shifted towards the other man, looking into his cold, distant eyes. “No,” he said honestly, his jaw set. “I don’t regret it because now I know she’ll never love me. She’s all yours Dazai. Always has been. Always will be. Does that satisfy you?”

There wasn’t an ounce of fury in his expression when Dazai smiled back.

“You heard him,” Dazai said, lifting your limp arm by the elbow, pointing it like a skilled tutor. The gun was on Chuuya’s forehead, between his eyebrows, and your finger was on the trigger. Dazai’s whisper was like the Devil on your shoulder, and you were falling fast, your last shred of morality burnt from papery resolve. His hand supported your weakened muscles, guiding you along like you’d never before committed such an act. “You’re an assassin, aren’t you?”

You stiffened, narrowing your eyes before cocking the gun, mustering up the last bit of strength you had left. Chuuya couldn’t have looked more prepared for death, and you basked in Dazai’s prideful smile as he branded it into the crook of your neck.

“You’re certain?” you said to Chuuya, once more, hand no longer shaking despite your guilt.

The man, nothing more than a victim, nodded, and he had the audacity to smile, to look peaceful about his release from this life.

“I’m sorry, Chuuya. You shouldn’t have to bear the weight of my sin.” “It’s mine to carry, just as it is yours,” he scoffed, eyes hard with resolve. “Of all the things that would land me in Hell, I hardly believe this is the worst.”

You nodded, regrettably, and took a steely breath, erasing the heat the stung behind your eyes.

Then, you pulled the trigger. You waited for Chuuya’s brains to stain your floors, for the remnants of his skull to shatter all across the wall behind him. For the life to slowly drain from his stunningly bright eyes, leaving you with nothing but a corpse that would rot away wherever Dazai chose to toss his body.

Though, none of those things happened, and you stared at each other with fierce incredulity, knowing that you’d unwillingly become puppets in Dazai’s dramatic play, a show put on for no one’s entertainment but his own.

You’d been completely senseless, an idiot, really. The gun had felt lighter than usual, and you’d ignored it, even when you should’ve known it housed no bullets.

“Dazai?” you said in a low voice, dangerously, twisting to look at him from over your shoulder. An anger you’d never felt before had bubbled up inside of you, your heart thundering with a fierceness you hadn’t realized was a part of you. “There’s no bullets.”

“Obviously,” he scoffed, taking the gun away like it was but a toy, throwing it onto the armchair in the corner. “I’d never kill the strongest ability-user in the Mafia. You both should know me better by now.”

You scowled, the ugly expression marring your face, and Dazai frowned, leaning forward to appease you. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“You played me for a fool. Was all of this an act?” you cried, wondering if maybe Dazai had been lying this entire time. Maybe all those sweet words he said had never been true, and you had fallen for them anyway, like the mindless pawn you were.

“Which part?” Dazai asked, but you could tell that he knew what answer you sought, what lies you wanted to unveil.

“You know which part,” you said, moving away from him, not sure what emotion to grant control. You felt an intense amount of fury, misery, and pity for yourself, who’d never asked Dazai for anything but to be on your side, and he still couldn’t give you that. “Fuck you, Dazai.”

Your lip quivered, but if you’d begun to cry, shame would swallow you up and drown you in the dark abyss of misery. You would have no other choice but to throw yourself out the window, where everyone in the Port Mafia could bear witness to all the ways that Dazai had ruined you.

“Boss—”

Chuuya’s sentence was cut off sharply.

You’d tried to climb out of the bed, but Dazai had grabbed your wrist, stopping you before you could escape from him once and for all. Though he spoke to Chuuya, his eyes were hard on you, never leaving the set he stared into as you swallowed over and over, trying to think of anything but the sick feeling in your chest.

“You can leave now, Chuuya. Consider this your lucky day.” His voice was icy, threatening, and though Chuuya lingered a moment before climbing to his feet, he spared you nothing but a small glance in return.

You inhaled, then exhaled, trying to stop the simmering of blood within your veins, feeling the heavy weight of his hand on your wrist. As you sat there in silence, waiting for him to be the one to break it, you started to wonder how much of this was really Dazai’s fault, and how much you were the one to blame.

“It was a test.” Dazai tried to bring your attention back to him, letting only a fragment of emotion drain into his voice, though it was enough to slowly, slowly pique your fascination once more. “That was all.”

You wet your lips, though your tongue was just as papery. “So none of it was real.”

“What do you mean?” Dazai came to sit in front of you, his skin pale in the dark lighting, and you could see the cracks in his facade, and maybe this splinter in your failing relationship would slowly begin to heal itself. “Everything I said was very much real.”

His soft fingertips traveled up your arm, curling around your shoulder, across your collarbone, before settling in that delicate space between your jaw and your ear. There was a starry look in his eyes, the twin pair that had been exposed.

“Why would you do something like that to me?” you said, scrunching your face in remorse, wanting to slither away from him, even as he drew you closer, close enough to smell the expensive cologne he wore, the liquor that he favored when you were away. His hair had been freshly washed, and the smell of shampoo still lingered, even under the thin layer of sweat.

“Why would you do something like that to me?” Dazai countered, the hurt not veiled in the slightest this time, and it didn’t take a genius to know what he was talking about. Heat flooded to your cheeks, and you were looking away, wondering why he was pulling you close to his chest when he should be hating you with the passion of a thousand fiends. “How could I trust you after that?”

You parted your lips to speak, but your jaw was locked, and the inside of your mouth tasted like cotton.

“I’m not a good man,” Dazai said, kissing the shell of your ear, your temple, and you squeezed your eyes shut, clinging to his bicep. “You’ve always known this. Yet, for as often as you talk about me with disgust dripping from your words, I’ve never sought to bring you pain.” He breathed in deeply, and you buried your face into his chest, wondering how much longer it’d be before you wept. “You’ve caused me pain.”

You tried to cry out, to tell him that you never thought it would hurt him, but he’d seen the very same in you, hadn’t he? You’d never given him any indication that the coldness in his words was bothering you, that the blurred lines of your relationship were getting confusing and hurtful, and he had done the same.

“We’re not good for each other, Osamu,” you whispered quietly, your lip quivering. The weight of your voice shattered against your vocal cords.

He let out a breathy laugh, smiling against your forehead. “On the contrary, I think we’re the perfect fit.”

For what reason he believed that, you weren’t sure.

You clenched your jaw tight, but it didn’t stop the feeling of tears from overwhelming you, hot droplets that spilled heavy from your eyes, running off your chin to Dazai’s chest. Your hands shook, clenched around his arms so tightly you were sure you were breaking the skin.

Dazai pulled away, monitoring your face with concern. You hated the way he looked at you with such pity when he was the reason for such pain. Yet, you couldn’t help but curl into him, warm, never wanting to escape from his reverence. “Why are you crying, my sweet angel?”

Nausea soured your mouth, and the regret that tinged you, tainted you, was vastly overwhelming. It was horrible in a way that you’d never felt.

It struck you, then, that you’d been blind to Dazai’s every affection, too ignorant to notice the ways that they had shifted as his life did. He no longer held your hand over the table during meetings, but the chair beside his was just as grandiose, and he greeted you with something of a smile when you walked into each room. He no longer accompanied you on assignments, but you were always taken care of, in a hotel most people couldn’t afford with a partner that could singlehandedly take out a hundred men. He no longer picked you flowers from a wild field as he’d done as a boy, but the vase on the table always held a beautiful bouquet of deep, red roses, without a single wilting flower.  

Chuuya, all this time, all these years had been right. There was no use in loving Dazai if you couldn’t stand him in his darkest hour, the bitter ugly side of him that no one wanted to see.

You’d never thought about it, really, but you’d changed just as he had. Everyone in the Mafia had blood on their hands, was ruined in more ways than one, and you were no exception. If loving Dazai meant loving those parts of him, then loving you meant just the same.

The tears fell harder, and Dazai seemed panicked, stricken, always so oblivious when it came to the affairs of your heart, and sometimes he tried, but you couldn’t hate him if he didn’t.

“I’m sorry,” you said pitifully, knowing from the spoiled heart in your very chest had ruined everything. “I’m sorry.” You said it again and again until Dazai was shushing you, running a large, cool palm down your back, the only way he knew to soothe you.

“I wish I’d never done it. I wish I’d just spoken to you, asked you, anything—” you wiped your face, heavy breaths stuttering before Dazai took your hands away, and erased the tears for you. “I just thought you hated me. It was the only thing that made sense.”

Dazai smiled sadly, because no one had taught him to love. How was he to know that he’d been doing it wrong all this time. “I wish I’d seen it before. I didn’t mean to push you away.” He sighed, dropping his head to your shoulder with a weariness that he’d been born with. “I’m sorry.”

A tingling sensation began under your skin, and you were warm all over, realizing just how much that apology had meant to you. For some reason, it felt like coming home.

The strong grip that nostalgia had on you gradually began to melt away.

[hazelfoureyes]

A Doe in Fall (Part 9)

⟢HumanAlastor x FemaleBurlesquerReader - A Doe in Fall

A burlesquer with a penchant for conning men, you find your latest game interrupted when your next mark saves you from an aggressive fan— by killing him. The chance encounter left you curious, still half convinced you could complete your normal chase. Unbeknownst to you, you were the one being tracked.

Part 1 - Pretty in Red smut💦 Part 2 - Liar smut💦 Part 3 - A Tragedy smut💦 Part 4 - Enough Part 5 - Too Much Part 6 - Learning smut💦 Part 7 - Recognition smut💦 Part 8 - Trust sexual 🥵 Part 9 - Shiny Things 📍 Part 10 - Good Deeds Part 11 - Caught Part 12 - Eddie

Part 9 - Shiny Things

Ephi moves in, and Ruth reads you like an open book.

「Warnings/Promises: HumanAlastor x Fem! BurlesqueReader, Reference to domestic abuse of non-reader character, fucks, crows, swans, emotions be emotioning, so many birds, I don’t think reader is Aromantic I think she’s just stubborn, Cliff diving is just a joke do not follow people off cliffs, everyone is kicking reader’s ass in some way, my apologies to parts of Texas but not Texas as a whole」

Long time no see ! My head wasn’t in the right space for this story, and my head was also literally not doing well. But! Reading glasses helped since I’m writing on my phone like 7 inches from my face. the goal is Wednesday updates~ there’s about four parts already written so we’ve got a month of runway 👌🏼 Wednesday mornings are ‘God, That’s Good’ by @macabr3-barbi3 and nights are ADIF!

🎶 last time on A Doe In Fall 🎶 : you came home from your first week staying officially at Alastor’s to find your estranged sister waiting on your stoop.

this isn’t sexy but just like minors come on, MDNI? This blog is a sex shop

It’s not that you hated your sister, it’s that you resented her. You could love someone and not like them an ounce… but unfortunately when she left so did your familial love. Which meant all that held you together now was distrust and an obligation to a dead woman. 

“So things didn’t pan out up north?” You waved her into your apartment, agitation apparent in even the gesture of your arm. 

“It’s peachy! Just need to lay low a bit.” She said it with a chipper voice while looking around your apartment like she paid for it. “Wow you weren’t lying about the no money, huh? Talk about a shoebox.”

Charming. 

“Well, Ephi, you’re welcome to leave.” While you didn’t understand the name it wasn’t your business to question what someone asked to be called. Especially considering your own dual identity. You may have disliked the woman but human decency still hung to the bones of the relationship you called your sisterhood.

An obnoxious chuckle, “Nah it’ll do! Just the one single bed?”

“Why would I have more than one bed?”

A deep sigh from her, “Still last to be picked by the fellas, sis?” Her hand passed over your dresses hanging in the open closet, “The ugly duckling was always your favorite story.”

The fine hairs rose on the back of your neck, a cat’s hackles moving as the anger bristled through your body. You opened your mouth to shout all the ways you were not the ugly one in the room, hand already in the air to direct her attention to the dried, hanging flowers covering the far wall. How many people threw flowers at her feet? How many proposals were shouted to her? Wedding rings slipped off fingers and into pockets for her? 

The air in your lungs went flat as a small fire of embarrassment rose in your gut.

How could she so quickly reduce you to a little girl again? Taking the bait for a fight you couldn’t win, because she wasn’t listening to anything but her own voice. Biting the inside of your cheek, your hand fell back to your side.

“You can take it. I’ll just be by for clothes now and then. Been staying with a friend closer to work.” Flipping through your mind you tried to catalog your valuables. What did you absolutely need to not turn up missing?

Ephi sat on the bed and crossed her legs in her best imitation of a lady. “Staying with Mister Fancy Pants?” A smile that reminded you of your childhood. A smile that said, “I won’t tell mom!” Right before turning and running to your mother’s ear.

“No.” 

A giggle two octaves above her usual tone, “Sure, okay! No skin off my back.”

You took your time to gather the items you had forgotten first, then the items you didn’t want her to have. Unsure how exactly to tell Alastor why a week into sharing his home officially you were already redecorating, you left that for your future self to figure out. The first item was obvious.

An angel statue your mother kept on her nightstand. You wrapped it in some newspaper, trying not to look in her direction. 

Your sister chased dick like most people chased liberty. Something she shared with your mother. Which was her right, but it rubbed you the wrong way how she would always forget everyone else in her life when she had a man to call her own. A fair weather friend, at that. 

“How’s Howard?” The dick that took her away so many years ago.

She abandoned the lady act and rummaged through your cabinets, “Who’s that?”

Right.

A gold coin on a necklace. You slipped it inside a sock. 

“So, then, who is the man of the hour?”

Ephi began opening the dresser drawers, poking here and there. “Whaddya mean! I am an independent woman.”

You weren’t sure that had ever been true. While your mother had drilled it into your skull to never place yourself in the need of a man, she always seemed to throw her heart (and house keys and purse strings…) at the feet of any man willing to love her. 

“Love” her. 

There was no love in any of that. A common problem of confusing love with any and all intense emotions affected your mother and many others.

Slashed furniture is not adoration. Breaking windows is not a love language. Bruises are not affection.

Your hands ran down the bag’s shapeless sides. Without thinking, you smiled. Adoration. Love languages. Affection. You had them and the knowledge of their secrets all to yourself. 

Secrets you didn’t need slipping out. Secrets your sister couldn’t hold to save her life, or yours for that matter. You hurried around the room grabbing knick-knacks and photos and jewelry. Alastor would be at work soon, you wondered if you should call to warn him. This time not about a hot headed flatfoot but a nosey sibling.

You’d tell him later. No reason to talk to Brenda again. Quickly your leather bag got full and heavy. What was supposed to be a casual foray into sharing a home already turning into a full on move. 

Everything you needed and a few things no one ever would, because damn would Ephi pawn them the very second she needed something, were safely zipped away. Any plans to relax at home before work were abandoned and you just marched to the door. 

A random memory flashed behind your eyes,  washing Alastor’s hair in the tub until the water ran clear. Why now? The only memory shared in your apartment. And it was an awful one. But, it had Alastor. That gave it value. 

“Hey, if any men come by looking for me you just don’t answer, okay?” You forced your face to relax, to show the sincerity you worked so hard to keep to yourself, “Please, Ephi.”

Her smile widened past unnaturally white teeth, no money for a room but clearly cash for peroxide tooth gel, “Ooh, why? Little sister make some enemies?”

Why couldn’t she just fucking agree?

“My job sometimes attracts crazies. I don’t tell them where I live but occasionally they figure it out. They’ve gotten violent before so…just don’t answer the buzzer. They’ll say they’re damn near anyone to get you to let them up.” You stopped the nervous twisting of your bag’s handle, “Boyfriend, boss, detective. They've tried it all.”

“Aww, sis. Look at you.” She leaned her full figure against the open door frame, arm raised up like a pin up. Ephi was always effortlessly enchanting when her mouth was closed. “Stalkers? Mama would be so proud. Finally learning how to catch a man’s attention.”

The tears that stung your eyes were inspired partly by anger and partly by pain. They came so suddenly you could only laugh in response. 

“Lovely to see your new name hasn’t changed you, Ephi. I’ll be back occasionally. Don’t steal anything, no strangers over. Spare key is in the bowl by the door.” 

“Oh hey!” 

You turned back.

“I do need some cash. Until I find work.”

The numbness blanketed you with a chill. 

“I’ve got like, three bucks. Is that fine?”

Why did you ask that? You knew she could very well say it wasn’t fine and you’d be obligated to offer to get more. Atleast, that’s what you’d have done when you were younger. How easily you both slipped into old roles. Or perhaps she never grew out of hers. 

She mulled it over, “Yeah that’ll be fine.” Her hand came out and waited for the bills.

An open palm waiting for your money.

You pulled the folded bills from your wallet and set them in her hand without touching her skin. 

“Thanks sis!” She turned and closed the door before you could reply.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

The other dancers shot you a look when your bag jingled and clanked as it hit the floor, you wincing as you remembered the ceramic figurine.

“You…. going somewhere, hun? The detective got you on something?”

A quick shake of your head. You hadn’t considered the optics. Luckily it was early enough the room wasn’t very busy. A few select missing women would have pried for more information. Your hands fidgeted, unsure what to do. On the way in you saw some newer talent getting their feet on stage, maybe watch them? Too early for make up. 

A loving voice from Ruth, always a savior, “Cigarette?”

You melted at the offer. Alastor wasn’t a fan of the smell so you were slyly cutting back. 

She popped a sun bleached folding chair open and set it in between you both as a footrest. So many broken and ruined chairs littered the sides of the dingy roof, you were shocked she found a good one on her first try.

“Alright, tell me what happened with that detective. Do I need to go rough up a city employee?” Ruth leaned back and settled into her chair with a creak and a whine of the wood.

You needed a second, eyes flitting around as she handed her cigarette for you to take a drag. What could you say? What did she already know? You’d not spoken about it since she helped shoo him away but the appearance of half your belongings haphazardly stuffed into a bag clearly had her alarms going off. 

“So remember the guy who came by for me? Tall handsome one.”

She nodded enthusiastically, “Yes! Of course. Don’t forget a name like his. Or face.” She whistled like a crude man trying to get a woman’s attention in the most annoying way.

“The detective thinks he did something to Tommy. That he was jealous. Which is ridiculous-,” you felt a nervous energy slip down your arms. 

An abrupt laugh, “That string bean couldn’t open a heavy window. He didn’t do shit to Tommy. What a stupid thing to say.”

Did she notice how much you’d been holding your breath? A deep sigh as you let it go. “Exactly! He doesn’t even know about what happened that night with that guy and Tommy’s arrangement; it’s too mortifying. Anyway, the detective has been hounding me about it. I don’t wanna cause trouble.” You ashed the cigarette and held it out for her, “Stuff is still new with him and me, so I didn’t tell the detective his details or work anything. Why would I? So he can harass him too?” The words all tumbled out so quickly. A faucet turned too far to the left.

“Fair.” A few passes back and forth in what you hoped was a comfortable silence and not an indication she was piecing together things you needed to remain unlinked. Finally, “Didn’t realize you two were still seeing each other. Longest one you’ve kept for awhile now.”

Looking up, you marveled at the view of the open sky. Not a cloud in sight. A smile crept across your face, the heat of the sun warming you from the inside out. The slightest chill to the air warning you of Fall. “Yeah.”

She asked what made him so special and you didn’t know where to start. “The obvious,” you began. “He’s so-,”

“Clever.” “Handsome.”

You’d spoken at the same time, her attempt at soothsaying failing miserably.

“Clever, Ruth. He’s very clever. Handsome men are a dime a dozen. But he’s sharp as a tack.” She rolled her eyes and waved her hand around for you to go on. You let your mind toss out the shiniest examples. “He’s so skilled. He knows how to hunt and take apart animals. He can fish. Cooks like a dream. He knows how to clean clothes well and how to use a washing board.” 

“Useful.” She mused. That isn’t what you meant. You weren’t trying to list off his features like a new appliance. It was just— impressive. He was well rounded.

“And he’s terribly kind. He’s always,” how to say it delicately, “going out of his way to help others solve their problems.” That seemed accurate and vague enough. You chuckled to yourself, remembering him at the kitchen table, “His face lights up so bright when he’s talking about his hobbies. Like, I can see his soul glittering behind his eyes and suddenly I’m just as interested in whatever he’s talking about as he is.” You let your eyes close around the mental image of his surprised face every time you complimented him. But they shot open when she began giggling, “What?”

“You’re in looooove,” her foot kicked yours, “I know that look. Head over heels already. Talking about him like he made the fucking stars.”

Wide eyed and stunned, was it written on your face so plainly? “Oh don’t say that. It makes me so uncomfortable. We’re just enjoying each other's company.” When she moved to give you the cigarette again you didn’t take it. “All I was saying was—,” fuck, what were you saying? That he was special? “He’s a very nice person to spend my limited time with. It’s a finite resource and all.”

With a shrug she took another puff, “What’s to be uncomfortable about? Falling in love is a wonderful thing, hun.”

Was it? Honestly, had she ever considered how much damage came with loving someone? It was putting your heart outside your body. Letting someone else carry it around and just praying they didn’t hurt you, or get hurt, or go off and die and take your heart with them. Why would anyone willingly do such a silly thing?

“Cheesy. And kind of creepy. Falling? How do I get back up if things go south?”

You’d successfully avoided emotional attachment to nearly every lover you’d taken. The way women seemed to get struck down dumb by any old John or Jane just wasn’t appealing. Love was for fools. The weak. The dependent.

Or, so you had whispered to yourself as you pretended to not be home when suitors came knocking, as you avoided ringing phones, as you apologized and slid out of restaurant seats after awkward dinners. 

“If you fall hard enough, you don’t get back up.” She said it like it was a good thing. “You’ll love them forever, even if you hate em.”

That was the problem, too. How could she not hear that as she said it? All loss of control of your own heart and emotions was simply bad. People do irrational things for love.

You shivered, “That sounds absolutely horrid, Ruth.”

“Aah,” she dismissed you with a raspberry blown between her lips, “For the right man, you’ll find yourself enjoying the trip down!” 

“Nah, I’m not fan of heights. No dick is worth that.”

“Is that all men are to you? Sex?” She guffawed, taken aback by your comment. Which was odd, given it was Ruth. 

But, Yes.

Well. No . But — he wasn't a man. He was something different. The exception to the rule. Alastor was different.

Or, fine. 

Yes, he was a man. 

No, you didn’t see them as just sex. It was easier to say people were just pleasure and not stop to think about life any other way. Things got complicated when you added another person. Life became sloppy and uncontainable. If you stopped and considered the lives behind the people you used to lead on and let go before things got too difficult, you’d just wound yourself. It was easier to stop at sex.

When you could. Which you could, before. When sex was a token you traded back and forth with someone. But Alastor didn’t accept that currency. You couldn’t hand him your body and get brief but lovely companionship back. Your value had to lie elsewhere, the things you set before him and the wonders he had to offer were much richer in their worth than what you’d ever had before. 

Sometimes it felt like you slid him a penny and he handed you a quarter. You found yourself scrounging up the petty coins of your worth and trying to save them up for him. Practicing your makeup, learning how he liked his coffee, remembering all of the things he said he hated and loved. Attempting to stop smoking. Every act was another shiny offering for him. 

A crow scrounging the park grounds for glittering trash. Not very swan-like, you thought.

“You really don’t think you’re falling for him?” Ruth put out the cigarette in the coffee can beside her. As you turned to argue with her you saw her face full of amusement and incredulousness. It was rhetorical.

The argument withered and you could only pout, everyone that day seeming to catch your tongue, “I don’t wanna think about it. I’ll get scared and run away. He’ll figure out how little I have to give eventually. If anything more is gonna happen, it’ll happen. I’ll just… let it. Why ruin it with… saying childish things.”

“You’re naive but that’s okay. Enjoy the honeymoon stage while you can.”

Your eyes rolled, “What if he doesn’t feel the same? Why embarrass myself.” When you sighed the weight of just how heavy and true that sentiment was resonated in your stomach. Telling him you were falling in love? Alastor was a killer. His passion was singular. What good was a dame to him? No, worse than worthless. A liability. A witness. A weak point in the walls he so carefully crafted. If he knew you were in love with him he’d just end things sooner than they would have naturally.

“Dontcha wanna know if he’s a waste of that precious time, then?”

You cackled, choking on your spit. Alastor? He was the most worthwhile thing you’d ever encountered. Time with him suddenly had …. Value. That fucking word again. But time with him, it was slow enough to be deep and rich, but so fleeting you already felt a mourning mood for how much closer you were to the end.

You could only shake your head, “Wait, Ruth, didn’t you get divorced?”

“Shhh that doesn’t count!” She rose and stretched her long arms up to the sun and then out to the horizon, “Plus that’s how I know what I’m talking about! After the honeymoon phase? You’ll be arguing about laundry and wishing you were strangers again. Fighting about children and lawncare.”

As your finger nervously came to your mouth, teeth cutting into the nail, you considered how if Alastor complained about laundry and you could argue back with the comfort of knowing neither would simply leave, that’d be….nice. The safety of being honest without the fear of the other person giving up on you. Was that love? 

And did that matter at all? 

You’d thought earlier you knew the answers but now, when someone else said it, you got scared of those words. 

Ruth must have put a spell on you. As you and a bevy of others danced in line on stage, arms over shoulders and legs kicking high enough to show cheek and jiggle the soft skin of your thighs and stomach, you felt butterflies in your gut. Alastor would be picking you up in a matter of hours. 

A few men sent you drinks, which you repaid with a wink and a kiss blown across the bar before downing the liquor. It was the usual routine. You hadn’t felt nerves to see Alastor quite like that since sheepishly picking out “comfortable” shoes.

Alastor’s eyes widened when he took the bag from you, not noticing your attempts to avoid making eye contact. He let out a chuckle, his best attempt at stifling the joking question, “Already moving in?”

He realized quickly enough that wasn’t a good joke. Not when he finally looked up and saw your stare was distant. 

“Everything okay, dear?” He walked to open your door for you, and you nodded a thank you and an affirmative.

Should you rip off the band aid? Should you just say it and see what happens? 

When you turned to look at him and blurt out a confession, you were stopped by the profile of his face. What a gentle face. A lovely jaw. Even his bones were better than other people’s. What were you doing in this man’s car? What little pieces of glittering trash were you about to toss at him on a random Friday night?

No, in the books you read, confessions were always grande affairs. Fireworks and dinner parties and passionate kisses in rain storms.

You’d have to put a little effort into this. His brows rose as he clocked your staring. Eyes on the road, smirk pulled to the right, his hand came to rest on your thigh.

He deserved something much better than whatever you had to offer. Something unlike yourself entirely. 

The drive home, and yes you let yourself linger on the word instead of shoo it away, you watched a deer jump across the dirt road just past the bridge. 

“The bucks chase the does. It’s part of their mating ritual. I guess it’s not unlike the ‘playing hard to get’ some women like. The longer the chase, the prouder the buck to snag his prize.”

You laughed, “Women don’t like it, I don’t think. Well, some do I am sure but… If we don’t do that then people think we’re easy. We need plausible deniability. If people learn we put out we can claim we didn’t really want to and save some face.”

Alastor grimaced, “Gross.”

Unseen, you nodded and turned to watch the buck leap after its doe. 

“Kind of funny, you chased me down, didn’t you?” Alastor’s comment pulled you back to him.

“Oh yes. That makes you my doe.” Your arm came to rest against the car door, the trees slowly rolling by in the darkness. “Reminds me of the small freckles across your shoulders.”

“My mighty buck!” He fawned, in jest, pretending to collapse into your lap. You shoved him back up and behind the wheel proper. “Well given the chance, I’d chase you for miles.” His hand flexed on your leg.

“To Texas?” You asked. Your usual end point.

“Further.”

“How far?”

“There is no limit. I’d … run right off a cliff, head first, if you were waiting at the bottom.” He took his hand back, needing both to hold the wheel. What he said hit him harder than he had intended. Was it too much? A tad too dramatic? A nervous clearing of his throat, followed by an awkward laugh to put more space between him and the confession. 

The idea of you making Alastor chase you was ridiculous. You enjoyed the games you played with others, but you were never meant to be caught. If you wanted that, you’d just…give yourself. As you had done with him. Only him. The first and last person you ever wanted to give yourself over to in any sense. “And if I just… lied down and let you catch me? Would that make me a poorly earned prize?”

“Nope! That’d make me a lucky duck. And make you quite smart, if I do say so myself.” A wink. “Why run from such a catch like me?”

You landed a smack on his arm, light and playful. 

A truly comfortable silence settled in, just the sound of the car trembling over the rough road. The newest model Ford was still as loud as the last, but luckily you were far from others. 

The words had lingered like smoke, and you felt the need to address them.  

“Don’t actually do that though. If I run off a cliff or something stupid, don’t you dare follow me.”

Alastor just laughed, wasn’t that what you were doing for him already? Diving into hell for some inexplicable reason after Alastor. He wasn’t expressing some lack of self preservation, he was merely letting you know he’d reciprocate the fall. You hadn’t made him run after you, but instead seemed to just….rest your neck between his canines. And trust. 

If you were to go to heaven, he wasn’t sure what he’d do. It was too late to redeem his soul now. How far was heaven from hell, anyways? If the devil survived the plummet perhaps he could scale the walls of his enclosure and breach the gates.

Though, as he thought about the idea of heaven, he considered how happy his mother would be to meet you. To take you from her would be as cruel as heaven taking you from him. 

Maybe he could make a plea. To just be able to see you from below. 

But if the knowledge you were happy and safe was all he had, he’d be a richer man in hell than he’d ever been on earth. It’d be enough. 

He’d just need to broadcast his radio waves a little further for your listening pleasure.

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ⋆Masterlist.ೃ࿔*:･

˖ ݁𖥔.Summoning the Horny Little Deer Cult.𖥔 ݁ ˖

@eris-norwega @reath-solia @catticora , @angelicribbons , @xalygatorx

@cxrsedwxrlds , @nonetheartist , @tsunaki , @janchei , @moonmark98

, @readergirlstuff , @berry-demon , @chirimeimei , @fairyv-ice , @olive-frog ,

@thonethatflies620 , @tiredkiwiii , @ilikemyteawithmilk , @whateverlololo , @psipies

@howabouticallyou , @roxxie-wolf , @fizzled-phoenix , @star-kujo-platinum

, @a-case-of-attachment , @multifandomfanatic02 @watereddownmilk , @bontensbabygirl @smoky000

@hoebihoeshi , @pansexual-opera-house , @polytheatrix , @lorddiabigmommymilkers , @backinthefkingbuildingagain

@harley2223-blog , @poinappel , @midnightnoiserose , @spookieroz , @missmidorima ,

@ivebeenthearchersstuff , @downbadforfictionalppl , @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx , @sleepylittledemon , @aether-th3-enby

@dontfuckbutimfab @breathlessaura , @aperfectidiot , @certainlygay , @jth12

[godmadeaterribleerror]

Chapter 5 - Popped, Cool, and Ready to Go

Series Masterlist

Author's Note: If you want to picture me writing any part of this series, picture someone maniacally giggling to themselves the words “this is a surprise tool that will help us later” as they type. Chapter Title from Stand Up by The Revivalists.

Word Count: 9k...

Chapter Summary/Warnings: An opportunity to flip Sister Sage emerges. Contains usual warnings.

Tags: Soldier Boy/Supe!Female Reader, canon divergence, enemies to friends to lovers, canon divergence, slow burn, angst, fluff

Read on A03!

Chapter 4 - Chapter 6

Want to be tagged? Just ask!

“Everything is… disturbingly clean.”

Ben watched Cocksucker and Butcher in the living room, the former looking around in shock as the latter’s gaze bounced between Ben and Her with a half grin.

“Don’t tell me you two started bloody fucking,” he jeered, and Ben didn’t appreciate the speed at which She scoffed.

“Not everyone only thinks with their downstairs brain, Butcher.” She said with an eye roll. “We’re not children you had to put in a time out until we could play nice, we’re adults who found a common ground.”

“The common ground of fucking?” Butcher’s grin spread widely across his face. At the deepening of her glare, he raised his hands in mock surrender. “I don’t doubt you, Love, it’s Soldier Boy who can’t damn well breathe without his dick in something.”

Ben opened his mouth to defend himself, but She somehow beat him to the draw. “Well, Ben’s down to only trying to fuck me twice a day, and it’s the small victories like that which have kept us from killing each other.”

“Ben?” Cocksucker looked between them in befuddled horror. “Since when do you call him Ben?!”

She returned Cocksucker’s stare with a flat look Ben had seen many times and was glad to not currently be on the receiving end of. “It’s his name. I can’t say ‘Soldier Boy’ all the time, that’s a fucking mouthful.”

“Fuck yeah, it is.” Ben winked at Her, a cocky grin spreading across his face as he was met with only an eye roll.

Butcher chuckled, giving Her an amused smirk. “Not fucking, my puckered arsehole.” He paused, his teeth showing as his delight in his own words grew. “Or should I say, your puckered arsehole?”

Cocksucker choked on air. “I’m going to be sick.”

“If he throws up on the carpet, you can not make me clean it, Sunshine.” Ben snapped, eyeing Cocksucker with a grimace. “His weak, pussy stomach ain’t my problem.”

“Oh, I’m sure there’s been worse messes in this room.” Butcher wiggled his eyebrows, and Cocksucker gagged again.

“There’s not much left after to clean,” Ben said with another smug look, unable to find it in him to care how his words fueled the accusations She so clearly wanted to rebuff. She’d live, and all the bitchiness she wielded like a weapon would hopefully circle around into admitting the clear attraction he knew she felt.

“What, you all dried up after forty years asleep?” Butcher sneered.

Ben scowled, taking a rough step in the man’s direction, the drum in his chest abruptly sounding in the distance of his ears. “You want to say that to my fucking face? I’ll show you how dried up I am—fuck!“ He lurched back as he felt a sharp sting on his arm.

She appeared at the side of Ben’s vision, Her fingers still smoking as she pointed at Butcher. “You. Never, ever make me visualize that again.” She scrunched her face in dramatic disgust. “And you.” She turned the finger to Ben. “He did ‘say it to your face’, stop being such a fucking baby. And both of you need to repeat everything you think in your head before you say it. We get it, your dicks are both huge, either suck each other off or put them away.”

“I second that,” Cocksucker mumbled, residual nausea on his face. “The shutting up thing, not the other part.”

“Thank you, Hughie. Now.” She gave Butcher a titled-head frown. “What’s the mission.”

“Don’t have to be a mission, Love, we could just be checking up on our two favorite-“

“Shut up,” She snapped. “Nobody has come to visit in two and a half weeks. And then, just after the news about Sister Sage, you two are suddenly, and I’m sure completely coincidentally, in our living room. So, what’s the mission?”

“How do you know about Sage?” Cocksucker, matching the surprise on Butcher’s face, asked.

“I have a phone, dummy.”

Ben looked around the room, trying to figure out where She could’ve possibly hidden a phone from him. “No, we fucking don’t.” He narrowed his eyes at Her, suspicion building in his chest as anger clouded his head. “Have you been fucking leaving without me?”

“When would I even have the time to leave without you?” She snapped.

“When you go to the fucking bathroom all the damn time for no fucking reason. If you’ve been lying to me-“

“Jesus Christ, I was on my period the past week. You can come do an inspection of the toilet bowl next time if it’s that important to you.”

“Fucking,” Butcher faked coughed to poorly cover his words. Ben was sure a deaf baby would’ve still have understood them, and She certainly did.

“Can it,” She shot at Butcher before turning back to Ben. “Phones aren’t big blocks on walls anymore, grampa, they look like this.” She pulled out a weird black rectangle and waved it in his face. “And you’ve definitely seen one before, dumbass.”

If Ben thought back, admittedly not even that hard, he had. Cocksucker and Butcher had both used them the first time around, he’d spotted them in the shows and movies he had been making their way through at Her direction, and even seen Her using the one invading his personal space at that very moment. However, he’d known he’d eat a fucking whale dick before he asked Her what they were then, in the exact same way he was now going have to pretend that She was the stupid one trying to pull one over on him.

“I think I remember if I’d seen something that fucking dumb looking, Sunshine.” She just glared at him and turned away, so Ben decided to count that as a him victory.

“If one of you doesn’t tell me what the plan is now-“

“Don’t get your panties in a twist, Love, we’re getting there. Hughie?”

“Gross,” Cocksucker muttered, his scrunched face of disgust turning into shock as Butcher pushed him forward. “What! Why me?”

“You use all those posh fancy words, mate.”

“He hates me!” Cocksucker gestured to Ben, before saying Her name in a pathetically begging tone. “He made you do it last time, right?! Tell Butcher he doesn’t fucking listen to me!”

Ben grinned as She gave Cocksucker one of the most half-assed apologetic looks Ben had ever seen. “I mean, he doesn’t. But I wouldn’t call him Butcher’s biggest fan either.”

“I’m right fucking here,” Ben grumbled. “I can speak for my damn fucking self.”

She gave him a sarcastic, simpering smile. “Ben, do you like Hughie, or Butcher? Is one prettier? Would one of them talking be better than the other?”

“No, they’re both ugly, pussy ass idiots who sound just as fucking boring as their pussy ass counterpart.”

“Who’s acting like who’s not here now?”

“We don’t sound the same at all…”

She ignored Butcher’s snark and Cocksucker’s weak protest. “Lovely. So if someone could answer my fucking question, that would be great. I, personally, couldn’t give a flying fuck who.”

Cocksucker sighed. “What did you read about the Sister Sage situation?”

“Is someone going to tell me who ‘Sister Sage’ is?” Ben grunted, giving Her an expectant look. Right now his best guess was some nun with plant-based powers, and he couldn’t think of a damn way that would be helpful.

“She's a supe whose power is intelligence. She’s the smartest person in the world, and a member of Homelander’s team.” She wrinkled her nose. “Well, she was. She got fired. I saw Vought’s press release about ‘creative differences’, but it’s painfully obvious bullshit. She made one appearance on TV where she spoke five words, most of the time she’d just hovering behind Homelander looking mad.”

“Yeah, we think she made Homelander upset somehow, which isn't hard to do, so he cut her loose.” Cocksucker nodded. “Either way, we want to try and talk to her. Flip her. Or-“

“Uncle Sam here is going to neutralize her.” Butcher spoke over Cocksucker with a smirk at Ben.

“Neutralize?” She looked between them with wide eyes. “Neutralize as in kill, or neutralize as in remove her powers?”

Butcher winked. “We’ll see where the night takes us. You two have fifteen to get ready, chop chop.”

She began to make her way up the stairs, but Ben remained firmly where he stood, glaring his best daggers at Butcher. “You better have brought my fucking shield this time.”

“What, you going to start crying if we didn’t?” Butcher jeered, and before Ben could move to punch him in the face, Cocksucker piped up from the side.

“Annie and MM are getting it now, they’ll meet us there.”

Butcher grunted in annoyance at Cocksucker’s affirming words, but Ben ignored it and turned to examine Cocksucker’s increasingly pallid face. His heartbeat was rising, yes, but it didn’t seem to be because he was lying, more likely the pussyfuck was just afraid. “Good,” Ben grunted, pausing to listen for a relieved stutter in Cocksucker’s chest. At the sound, Ben turned and marched up the stairs.

He wasn’t sure how it had happened, because he certainly hadn’t done it, but Ben’s suit had been cleaned of the dust and dirt from its last use. It was folded semi-neatly in his dresser, on top of underwear and socks. It was a quick change, he remembered being incredibly instant to the designer all those years ago that any needless, bullshit complications would lead to a forcerful reiterment and be fixed by their replacement, and made his way down the hall to Her door. He paused, unsure of if he should knock or simply walk in. He’d never knocked before, and She’d never bitched at him about it, but she’d also made it incredibly clear that, if he saw her naked, she’d “claw out his eyes like Jesus”. He’d asked for elaboration, in a way he thought had been quite fucking polite, and She’d left the room only to return a minute later with a copy of the Bible that was hurled at his head. Ben had not bothered to read it, but he quite liked his eyes, as did most women, so he had no interest in losing them to one impressively violent and crude one. However, knocking was also plain fucking stupid. As such he found himself just standing at the door, all the way until She opened the door and jumped back at the sight of him.

“Fuck, Ben, you scared me.” She’d placed a hand over her chest, fucking over dramatically if you asked Ben, and stared up at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he muttered. “I was just waiting for you.” And he fucking had been. Originally, the plan that had brought him here was to make fun of Her for clearly cleaning his suit and certainly going through his underwear drawer, now it just felt fucking stupid. She’d just caught him standing outside her room, she had too much ammunition to use against him now.

She tilted her head at him, giving Ben a look he didn’t understand or like, but just nodded. “Well, I’m ready. We should go.”

He nodded, stepping aside for her to pass him. She blinked at him a moment before doing such, and only after she was starting down the stairs did it occur to him that he’d let her go first. She hadn’t even asked. But she would’ve, he reasoned. He’d just been saving the headache of Her whining about it. Really, it had been a calculated move from his subconscious, which hated her finding every nerve of Ben’s to get on just as much as the rest of him.

Butcher and Cocksucker were right where they’d left them when Ben reached the bottom of the stairs, and She made her way to Ben’s side as they exited the safe house. Her body was less rigid and alert than last time, her heart almost perfectly calm, and though her eyes didn’t once leave him, she wasn’t vigilantly scanning his every twitch as they walked to the car. Even this car ride was more relaxed than the last, with Butcher not checking on them every damn second in the mirror, Cocksucker looking less like he was about to shit his damn pants, and Her body comfortably in the seat and not curled into the door. Ben appreciated that it was a real, windowed car this time, because that stupid fucking van had been deafening and fucking stuffy and boring to sit in. This satisfaction was squashed almost immediately when they pulled up to a warehouse that looked one fucking well-placed shit from collapsing, and Ben saw that same stupid fucking van parked beside where they stopped.

The back doors were open, and Ben could hear four moderately steady heartbeats from inside it. As they unloaded out of the car and made their way to join the others, Ben watched Her out of the corner of his eye, hearing the telltale warning sign of gnawing on lips and tapping of fingers in rhythmic movements. He’d noticed last week, then had his suspicion confirmed during their fight a few nights ago, that all her rapid, tense tapping was still controlled, always following the same pattern. For the fucking life of him, Ben couldn’t figure out what the pattern was, but he knew it existed, and it always went hand in hand with glassy eyes. Sure enough, when he turned to fully look at Her, clouds were forming behind her gaze, which had itself gone slightly slack. But before Ben could grab Her, ask her what the fucking problem was, if it was something he needed to worry about, She’d walked past him to sit beside beside the small, Asian woman he’d seen several times before. The woman smiled at Her, and she returned it without hesitation. She said a name, Kimiko, in a soft, kind voice Ben had never heard and though Kimiko didn’t say anything—thinking about it Ben hadn’t heard her speak once—the tapping slowed to a halt as they began a weird half-conversation with a lot of confusing fucking gestures.

Ben glanced around the van, looking for his fucking shield. When he didn’t see it, he turned to glare at Butcher, who’d moved to talk to MM.

“Hey!” Ben pushed himself into their conversation, ignoring their whiny glares. “You promised my fucking shield.”

Butcher rolled his eyes. “Technically, Hughie promised it.”

“Where is it.”

“Calm the fuck down, Gov, I’m sure it’s here somewhere. MM, would you give the giant cunt his stupid shield?”

“Nope.”

Ben’s head whipped to glare at the man, who wasn’t even fucking acknowledging him. “Give me my fucking shield.”

“Can’t,” MM said, meeting Ben’s glare with an angry, cold one of his own. “Didn’t fucking bring it.”

“I was promised I’d get my shield back. If you pussies can’t get it, I’m certain I could fine someone who will.” Ben threatened, the drums starting to sound once more. “I don’t have to put up with bullshit-“

“Yeah, you do,” Her voice called from behind him.

Ben turned to look at her, and saw Butcher and MM do the same.

“This doesn’t concern you, Sunshine.” Ben snapped.

She just shrugged. “You want a private conversation? Lower your fucking voice. And I feel like any conversation where you start saying you’re going to leave does concern me, because I’m the one that’s going to have to smite your face when you try. And that’s just going to be a fucking bummer.”

“My face too nice to burn?” He taunted, barely noticing the fade of the pounding against his chest.

“No, I just would have to fill out a fuck ton of dogshit CIA paperwork after. So just suck up being away from your blankie for another week, and sit the hell down.”

“I don’t have a fucking blankie,” Ben scowled at Her, but she only smiled back at him and returned her attention to Kimiko.

“You heard her,” Butcher sneered from behind him. “Listen to your mommy and sit the fuck down.”

“Don’t make it weird, Butcher.” She called, not looking back at them for a second.

Ben turned to give Butcher one last, venomous glower. “If I don’t get my fucking shield next time, we’re going to have a fucking problem.”

“We’ll get you your shield, Gov, don’t loose your damn mind.”

Ben grunted, turning to take the seat next to Her, but carefully listened to Butcher and MM’s hushed whispers as he moved.

“Bloody hell, MM, you had one fucking job.”

“I am not helping him, Butcher. Don’t send me to do your damn dirty work.”

Butcher scoffed. “I’ve had you do much dirtier work, mate. This was a fucking cake walk, and you still fucked it up.”

“I’m going to tell you one last time, and it better get through your thick, dumbass head. I am not doing anything, fucking anything, for that racist piece of shit.”

Ben opened his mouth, subtle eavesdropping was a fucking overrated pussy move anyways, to defend himself. Collateral damage fucking happened, it wasn’t his fucking fault Vought was always sending him-

“What’s the big deal with the shield?” He heard Starlight mutter behind him, a question clearly addressed to Cocksucker.

“Dunno, but he was really weird about it last time, almost threw me out a window cause I touched it-“

“I can fucking hear you,” Ben twisted roughly to face them. “What is it with you pussies and pretending I’m fucking deaf?”

Starlight sighed, giving him an annoyed glare, as Cocksucker responded weakly.

“We just, we don’t think you want to talk to us-“

“Shut the fuck up,” Ben grunted.

“Don’t talk to him like that!” Starlight’s eyes started to glow, and Ben rolled his own in response.

“Fucking try it, Bitch, I’ll blow you back to Vought. If you have a question, fucking ask it.”

“Fine,” Starlight held Ben’s anger with her own. “What’s the big deal with your shield? Are you compensating? Do you get performance issues without it?”

“Annie,” Cocksucker’s heart had picked up, and he was grabbing Starlight’s arm tightly. “Don’t make him mad.”

A thousand, perfect insults pushed against Ben’s head. Fucking amazing hits that would have Starlight crying to Cocksucker for weeks. But he could hear Her heartbeat behind him, stuttering for only a second as she listened to the argument. He heard that rhythmic tapping again, and so he pushed the words down, and gave Starlight a taunting sneer.

“Listen to your little cocksucker.” Ben taunted. “I’ll let it fucking go this time, because I’m feeling fucking generous. But next time? I kill both of you pussies.”

Ben turned away, and once his back was fully to them, he pulled out the crumpled list that now always sat in his pocket, trying to figure out if She had added “broad” at any point. While the bottom was filled with Ben’s own scratchy, hastily written additions, the top to middle of the paper was written in her neat, clipped handwriting, and close to the top was the sentence loose broad with the doll face - Buttercup from the Princess Bride??? Ben frowned at it—why couldn’t She have underlined the word—and leaned to the side, nudging Her shoulder with his own. When she didn’t turn from her soft conversation with Kimiko—how She could possibly be so invested in a conversation with a woman Ben was pretty fucking sure was mute was beyond him—Ben shoved it under her face.

Her voice died off, hands pausing mid-air, and she slowly turned to stare at him. “What are you doing.”

He pointed roughly to the sentence. “What does that mean?”

She squinted, grabbing it from him to hold closer to her eyes. “I was probably confused why you’d call Buttercup that. She’s famously not loose for like, the whole story-“

“No,” he tugged it back. “Why did you write that sentence down? What’s so bad about ‘loose broad with the doll face’?”

Her lips quirked up. “That’s what’s so urgent?”

“Is it loose, or broad?” He ignored her amusement.

“I think both together. Loose isn’t great, but I’d be lying if I said I never called my mother loose. Broad is just…” She frowned. “I don’t think I’ve heard the word ‘broad’ out the mouth from anyone who doesn’t have an active memory of at least one world war.”

“So broad is fine?”

“If you want to sound a thousand, sure. I’ve definitely heard you say worse.”

Ignoring the age jab, Ben locked and loaded his next insult for Starlight. He would let the “compensating” comment go, he was forgiving like that, but there was no fucking way she wouldn’t say something else soon. And he’d be fucking ready for it. He shoved the list back into his pants, where it had stayed since he first caught Her using it. At first it had been going to take a one way ticket down the toilet, but then he’d noticed how when he used those words on the paper, She’d frown and not talk to him for a damn hour. It was a fucking annoying, inconvenient, bitch move because during that time she wouldn’t laugh at his jokes or tell him how stupid modern technology in movies worked or bombard him with annoying comments that made him want to grab Her pretty, taunting, insufferable face and teach her some manners. She’d just be quiet and mad, and it was like he was alone, and suddenly he would hear the drum. So he’d kept the list and, whenever he noticed the bitter silence showing its ugly head, he’d write down what coxed it out. Eventually She’d noticed, and started to help him. If it hadn’t proved an effective strategy to keep her off his ass about stupid fucking shit, he’d have lied up, down, and sideways about keeping it. But they hadn’t had any of those moments he’d grown to detest since she had, so he’d kept in his bitterness about the stupidity of the whole thing in check and counted this a win.

“Look alive, fuckers.” Ben looked up as MM stood, one of those alleged “phones” in hand. “Sage will be here in five minutes. She’s agreed to meet me, Starlight, and Hughie. Frenchie and Kimiko, I want y’all outside, nearby, and ready in case she’s pulling one over. Butcher, go home.”

“Nah, mate. I’m a part of this, Mallory said so. Could make me go home if you tickled my balls and topped me off.”

“Well, then you’re going to have to stay in here.” MM turned as he said Her name. “You’re staying in here with Soldier Boy. If we need you, you’ll hear the signal.”

She hummed in acknowledgment. “What’s the signal?”

“The Deep’s massive tits.” MM gave a tired exhale as Her mouth fell open in amusement. “Frenchie made the signal. Make sure they,” both Ben and Butcher receive rough jabs in their direction. “Don’t fuck this up.”

Before either Ben or Butcher, whose mouth and protesting words had somehow begun faster than Ben’s own, could argue, MM was following the rest of the already mobilized team out of the van, and the doors were slammed behind him.

Tense, angry silence was in the air for only a minute before Butcher spoke.

“Now that everyone’s gone, will you two admit you’re fucking?”

Her heartbeat picked up slightly, and Ben leered at Butcher.

“Watch it, Dick Van Dyke, I’ll cut your fucking face off.” From beside him, Ben heard Her snort. “What do you find so funny?”

Ignoring his angry look, She gave another small giggle. “I don’t think that insult is as good as you think, Ben.”

“It was a fucking amazing insult-“

“Dick Van Dyke is American.”

“No, he was in all those stupid fucking British movies, like that one about the magic fucking nanny-“

“You’ve watched Mary Poppins?” Butcher laughed, and Ben considered ripping off his lips and feeding them to him. One bitchy, melodramatic woman who constantly cut off his words was more than enough. He didn’t need another fucking asshole, whose comments were not nearly as unwelcomingly entertaining, doing the same.

“Only because your hound dog bitch threatened to burn off my fucking dick if I didn’t.” Ben grumbled, and She gave another laugh.

“You enjoyed it, you cunt. And you told me a story about how you met Dick Van Dyke in the 60s. When he was, as he is now, incredibly American.”

“Sunshine, are you going to let me defend your honor or not?”

“My honor?” She gave him a face of giddy disbelief. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“He said we’re fucking!” Ben waved wildly at Butcher. “I’m not going to let him talk about a lady like that-“

“You literally goaded him on barely an hour ago. And called me a ‘hound dog bitch’ like, five seconds ago.” She pointed out. “Even if that wasn’t true, you’d have a whole lot of misplaced faith that I have ‘honor’ to begin with.”

“I don’t think you’d know honor if it ate you out ass to cunt.” Butcher made an exaggerated face of thought, and was met with only a flat look.

“So taint? Ass to cunt as in taint?” Her voice was bored, arms crossed in front of her chest.

Butcher shrugged. “No lady with honor knows the word taint.”

“Then we’re lucky I lost the title of ‘lady’ years ago,” She said with a toothy, fake smile. “And you,” a glare was shot at Ben. “Are not helping the ‘we’re fucking’ allegations by defending my honor, dumbass.”

He wasn’t, he knew that. But her heartbeat had settled, no longer clawing into Ben’s brain, so he just grunted. “Fuck me for trying to help.”

“I won’t,” she smirked. “That’s the whole point.”

“Bitch.”

“Cunt. Butcher,” She turned away from Ben once more. “What time did MM say Sage would arrive?”

“He didn’t.” Butcher answered, making an angry face at the closed door. “Something about not trusting us to stay here.”

Just then, Ben’s careful ear on Her heartbeat, which had slowed fully in the past minutes, was distracted by steps, followed by voices.

“I’m glad you agreed to meet us.” A man’s voice, too low to be Cocksucker, had to be MM.

“Well, even though I know what you’re going to say, I’m still intrigued by how you plan to say it.” Ben didn’t recognize that one. It sounded calm and controlled like Hers usually was, but only had the edge of anger. Her voice was always lined with vague amusement, at everything all the time. This woman didn’t sound like it was capable of laughter, even mockingly.

“Well, if you know what we’re going to say, can you just tell us your answer now?” That one was self-righteous and insufferable. Starlight.

“No.”

“Is that… your answer to what we’re going to say or whether or not you’ll tell us now?” Unsure, nervous, pathetic. Cocksucker.

“The later. I’m not going to tell you the answer until everyone joins us. Do you think I’m fucking-“

“Ben?” A pair of fingers snapped in his face.

Eyes refocusing, Ben realized She had moved so he was face-to-face with her concerned glare and frown watching him carefully.

“If that cunt fucking blows his bloody lid, I’m going outside, MM can suck my-“

Ben scowled at Butcher over Her shoulder. “I’m not going to fucking explode. I have a fucking handle on it-“ She gave Ben an incredulous look that he ignored. “And I’m trying to listen, so shut the fuck up so I can listen to what those pussies out there are saying.”

“You can hear them?” She dropped back to her seat, leaning forward with an intent stare. “What are they talking about?”

“I could tell you if you would shut the fuck up.” He grunted, and she rolled her eyes but didn’t move back. Ben paused, no longer hearing voices at all. “They moved.”

Butcher pushed off the wall. “What do you mean they moved? The fuck did they go?”

“I can’t tell you if you don’t shut-“

The door of the van was pulled open, and Ben jumped to his feet, hearing Her heartbeat start to rise as she did the same. But, instead of the blood and chaos Ben expected, was ready for, a short woman with a gleam in her dark eyes stood on the other side.

“Butcher, you look just as shitty as I expected. Should’ve listened to MM about staying behind.” Her voice was the cold, methodical one. Ben hated it, and hated how it matched her smug, stone-like face.

“If you’re as smart as you claim to be, Sister, you should know I do what I bloody want.” Butcher gave the woman a hateful, mocking smile.

She just gave a small nod back. “Well, I am ‘as smart as I claim to be’, and you are ‘doing what you want’. Reliable as always, William.” Her gaze turned to Ben. “I can’t say I’m surprised to see you, Soldier Boy. I knew they would be going for some sort of Hail Mary, and even though I was hoping for something more intelligent, maybe flipping Neuman, this will work fine. And you…” Her voice trailed, and a disarming smile grew across her face. “I don’t know you. I know everybody.”

Behind Ben, Her heartbeat was like thunder. “Glad to be an exception to such a weird and creepy rule.”

“Who are you? No, wait.” Sage titled her head. “I want to guess.”

The tapping had begun, and the drums had started their march from Ben’s chest to his head.

“You’re not Butcher’s friend, he doesn’t have any. You’re not CIA… not Vought. Not with Nueman, she wouldn’t be that stupid. I’ve seen pictures of all the supervillains Homelander tried to make, and-“ A first, true smile split across Sage’s face just as Her heartbeat became deafening. “Oh! Interesting. That hit a nerve, but how?”

Ben stepped forward, fists clenched, as Sage’s eyes scanned Her closely. “I don’t know what kind of big shot you think you are, but I’d shut the fuck up now before I make your mouth fill up with blood.”

“I’m good,” she gave Ben a sideways look. “Although that’s also interesting. Now, you aren’t military, or a terrorist. You don’t seem quite as idiotically rage-blind as the others, you might even be intelligent. Or, well, intelligent by human standards.”

“You going to keep shooting in the dark, and waste all our time?” Her voice had moved closer, and Ben knew he’d only have to turn his head slightly to see that glassy-eyed stare focused on Sage, who only hummed.

“I’ll get it, don’t worry about that. My shot in the dark has floodlights compared to yours. But time is a finite resource, especially now. You just have to come on out to join the party, and we’ll get started.”

Ben twisted to find Her exchanging doubtful looks with Butcher, who spoke first.

“How do we know you ain’t just killed them, and are luring us out to finish the job?”

“Because that’s fucking stupid.” Sage said with an annoyed frown. “And I’m frankly a little insulted you think I'd do something that plainly dumb. You would’ve heard it. In fact, Soldier Boy can probably hear them, alive, right now. I just told them to stay there and be quiet or I’d start screaming about Starlight trying to kidnap and traffic me. People would hear me, we’re at a warehouse in Queens, not fucking Montana.”

Ben gave an eye roll as all eyes turned to him. “Why do I have to fucking check? There’s a goddamn window right there. Just fucking look outside. Or those pussies can just grow some fucking balls and tell us they’re alive.”

“Ben,” Her voice was tired, and he could still hear the pressure of her heart against her ribs. “You can hear them anyway. Just fucking tell us, please.”

“Fine,” he grunted. He could hear them anyway, so he gave a tight nod after making a whole stupid fucking show of listening for signs of life, but fuck him if this was going to become a regular thing. Ben was not, threat of dick-burning be damned, going to be reduced to recon.

But Her stopped trying to claw out of her when he confirmed Sage’s words, and Ben felt an odd, satisfying rush through him when he heard it.

“Can we move?” Sage stepped aside with an exaggerated sweep of her arm.

Butcher left first, and before Ben could follow, a hand grabbed his arm. He turned back to see barely-contained panic on across Her face—panic he could feel with the tightening of her grip.

“Sage can’t know,” She whispered to him. “Don’t tell her.”

“About what?” Ben frowned, trying to ignore where she still held his arm. Firmly. Unflinchingly.

She didn’t even pull back as she spoke. “Me. If she knows about me, she’ll tell Homelander. He’ll know I’m in New York. He’ll know I’m working with Butcher. He’ll find me and bring me back. Don’t tell her.”

Disturbingly, it wasn’t only the angered acceleration of her heart eating at Ben. It was realizing that her face wasn’t full of panic. It was fear—real fear—in her eyes. He’d never seen her just afraid. He’d seen her infuriated and nervous and exhausted but never simply, rawly afraid. He didn’t like it. She hadn’t become that hollow shell he’d seen at the beginning, or that unbearably tragic picture, looking far away as she told him about Homelander. She was just as unbendable as he knew her, but paralyzed. Made of only pure, useless fucking fear.

So he meant every fucking word he spoke. “I won’t. We’re not going back there.”

“We?” She didn’t let go, her face unreadable.

“I’m not going back in the fucking box, you’re not going back to that pussy Homelander. I’m going to kill them, and you’re going to let me leave. That was the fucking deal.”

She nodded, glancing down at her hands on his arm, and her hold on him loosened. “That was the deal.” She echoed, and walked past him without another word.

They stepped out onto the street and began to follow Sage into the warehouse, Butcher’s Pussysquad walking ahead of them. The moment Ben was at the door, MM turned, raising a flat palm to halt him. “No, you stay right fucking there. You are not a part of this.”

“I’m not listening if he’s not.” Sage said smoothly, looking Ben up and down.

“Great, you two can bond over hating convenient conversation.” She muttered from next to Ben, glaring a hole in the floor.

“Fuck off, Sunshine. I’m charming and endearing, not a bragging, self-assured bitch.” He muttered back as the argument about where he should stand stretched on for far too fucking long.

“You are the most braggadocios, self-assured bitch I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.”

“I’m not the bitch that just used ‘braggadocios’ in a sentence like an asshole pussy.”

“At least I know the word at all. I think you came out of the womb knowing only pussy, bitch, and fuck and decided that was more than enough.”

“You sound like a fucking bitch right now.”

“You sound like a cunt who wants to fuck his mirror all the time.”

Ben looked back down to see a thin-lipped, but painless, smile creeping across her face. “One day you should ask my mirror how it is. I’ll receive a fucking amazing endorsement, and you’ll beg me to give you a fucking chance.”

“Endorsement’s a pretty big word, pretty boy. Are you sure you don’t need to sit down now?”

He did a double-take. “Did you just fucking call me pretty-“

“Oi, either fuck right now or come and do your fucking jobs.” Butcher yelled from inside, the argument apparently over with a victory for Sage.

“Please don’t fuck right now,” Cocksucker mumbled, and She rolled her eyes, leaving Ben’s side to stand amongst the group.

“I think I’ll manage to keep it together.” Sarcasm dripped from her tone and was painted across her face, but she didn’t flinch away as Ben came up behind her.

Sage was eyeing Her still, and Ben liked the woman less by the second. Even as Starlight spoke, Sage’s attention didn’t move, remaining locked on Her as if trying to pick her apart.

“We know how Homelander screwed you, Sage. He’s screwed all of us.”

“Screwed feels like a bloody generous term for ass-fucking to completion and then cutting off our balls.” Butcher muttered.

“Butcher,” Cocksucker sighed. “Unnecessarily gross.”

“I don’t know,” the French Prick, having apparently re-joined the group when Ben hadn’t been paying attention, mused. “The visualization helps.”

Cocksucker gaped at him. “How?”

“Well, either way-“

“It raises the stakes, no?” The French Prick cut off Starlight, a look of impossibly genuine concentration on his face. “Screwing is gentle, possibly playful. Monsieur Butcher's words make the issue far more…” As he searched for the words, Kimiko made another weird fucking gesture, and a smile spread across the French Prick’s face. “Oui, Mon Coeur. Fucking urgent. Far more fucking urgent.”

“Great, more urgent.” Starlight blinked, clearly giving a pathetic attempt to regain control. It was glorious for Ben to watch. “Now, we think-“

“It was still gross, things can be urgent and not gross.” Cocksucker frowned at the French Prick.

“Hughie,” Starlight hissed.

“Shit, sorry Annie-“

“No, petite Hughie, the gross nature of the words is what makes them so urgent.” The French Prick argued. “It makes them more difficult to ignore.”

MM gave an attempt to push back that didn’t involve nearly enough shouting or threats for Ben’s taste. “The words don’t matter, now just listen to Annie-“

“Words fucking matter, Mate." Butcher interjected. Ben agreed, if they didn’t then the whole stupid fucking list would have been for nothing.

“Not right now, Butcher, right now all that matters is we listen to Annie-“

“Well, Butcher’s technically right. Words do really fucking matter.” She chimed in from Ben’s side. “Language is a pillar of culture, and different words will have the same translations but different meanings across cultures.”

MM gave Her a disbelieving stare. “You too?”

“What words have different meanings across cultures?” Cocksucker asked, sounding somehow genuinely interested.

“More often than not, it’s symbolic changes, such as colors and animals having different connotations or there being a wide variety of words for one language that only has a few.”

“This can’t wait?” Starlight asked, throwing MM a hopeless look. Ben hoped it couldn’t. As utterly boring as the words coming out of Her mouth were, he’d never seen her so enthusiastic about something that wasn’t a piece of media to be explained. Her heartbeat was rising, yes, but it was beating like a drug, not a gun, against Ben’s head. This, this was tolerable, and if Starlight fucking stopped it he might have to kill her.

It was MM though, who said Her name firmly. As she trailed off, he looked at her with raised eyebrows and a frown. “You done?”

Ben could hear the chew of Her lip, and she nodded apologetically, shooting a nervous look to where Sage was watching Her with narrow eyes. If Ben was smart about it, he was pretty sure he could kill Sage, MM, and Starlight in one move. Unfortunately, that would probably make Her all bitchy and angry at him, which was exactly what he was trying to avoid. Maybe he could make it look like an accident.

“Great,” Starlight sighed. “Sage, Homelander has fucked all of us.” Butcher gave an approving grin as Starlight threw him a dirty look. “He needs to be stopped.”

“And what makes you think you can stop him? You’ve tried numerous times, and every attempt has blown up in your face more spectacularly than the last.”

“We have a plan.” Starlight said, standing up straighter.

“Then you don’t need me.”

“That’s what I fucking said.” Butcher grumbled.

“But they didn’t listen to you, which means whatever you’re trying isn’t a revenge-blind, foolish Butcher special.”

“Love, if you’re implying I’m a fucking idiot-“

“Wasn’t implying. Outright said it.”

“We can still bloody kill you-“

“Butcher,” MM said with a glare. “Shut the fuck up.”

“Well, I ain’t bloody wrong. Her power is ‘smart’, she’s not a fucking threat. We got the real threat on our side.” Butcher gave Her a wide, smug grin.

Right at Ben’s side, She froze.

“The ‘real threat’?” Sage asked, and turned slowly to examine Her once more.

“Soldier Boy,” MM said, looking between Her and Sage. “You know what he can do. We didn’t bring him back for nothing.”

“No, but you did bring him back… Why?” Sage wondered aloud, and Ben could hear the insufferable gears of her bitch brain turning. “Because you had the real threat. Not him, something worse.” Sage’s mouth turned up just the gleam in her eyes returned. “The Anomaly.”

“I- what are you- I don’t know what-“ Ben didn’t need to see Her eyes to know that the fear had returned. It was in every word She spoke, and he wanted to rip it out of her and shove it into Sage. “You don’t- I don’t-“

“He told me you died. Horrible accident, fourth shot of V didn’t take, and you combusted. I knew he was lying, I just thought he’d decided he wanted more secrecy and moved you, killed you himself, or you’d escaped and were on the other side of the world. Very, very stupid of you to come back.”

“If you know what happened to her, you should know what a fucking monster Homelander is.” Starlight said. “You should listen to what we have to say.”

“Not interested anymore.” Sage gave a dismissive gesture, another fucking smile creeping onto her features. “The Anomaly, alive and working with Starlight and Butcher? Working with Soldier Boy? This is good, this changes things.”

Ben braced his arms at his side, his anger feeding into the beat against his chest, moving forward as She took a weak, stumbled step further behind him. “You listen, or lose your fucking life.”

“I think I’ll just go. I had a much more dramatic reveal, but you have been set up, and this building is surrounded.” Sage sighed. “I would say I wish I could’ve played into the theatrics you all love a little more, but I’m actually incredibly fucking relieved I don’t have to. I’ll see everybody soon, and good luck with whatever you’re planning. I’m sure it will be entertaining.”

Before Ben could give in to the drums, or even more to grab her, the warehouse was flooded with men in black suits.

“Fuck,” Butcher shouted, pulling out a gun from thin fucking air. “What’s the point of having a super-hearing supe if you can’t fucking hear a warehouse full of enemies?”

“Sound-suppressing suits,” the French Prick yelled, taking a step behind Kimiko as he too pulled a weapon from nowhere. “I was developing them with the CIA, Vought must have gotten their fucking hands on them.”

MM pulled out his own gun, and Ben was now pretty fucking sure they were all keeping them up their asses. “Does Mallory know about them?”

“Oui, but they must have just gotten their hands on them, I finished them only two days ago.”

“When we made the fucking plan to meet with Sage,” Cocksucker had, like the cowardly pussy Ben knew him to be, moved behind Starlight. “But she can’t have known we had Soldier Boy, why would she spend time to get them?”

“Sage is nothing if not careful,” MM fired up at the descending men. “We need to get out of here, right fucking now.”

The words had hardly left MM’s mouth when the warehouse lit up with bullets.

“Are you just going to let Sage fucking get away?” Ben yelled, remaining firmly planted where he was, bullets bouncing off him like rain.

“Excuse us, Gov, not all of us are bloody immortal. And we quite like living, so shut the fuck up and be useful.” Butcher ran past Ben, firing back as he did.

Ben scowled at nothing, punching one of the men backwards like a bowling ball when he got too close. “She’s going back to Homelander, that feels pretty fucking important-“

“The doors are fucking blocked!” Cocksucker’s shrill, pussy yell cut Ben off. “They’re everywhere!”

“Then move them, you fucking pussy!” Ben threw another up into the ceiling.

He felt fucking alive. All around him, Butcher’s team was being the most useful they’d ever need in their pathetic pussy lives. The French Prick was holding something weird and long that Ben would very much like to use later, Butcher and MM were firing with an intent to kill that Ben appreciated, Kimiko ripped off a man's head with ease, and Ben was starting to hate her a little less than the rest of them. Even Starlight and Cocksucker were vaguely helpful, even if Starlight was mostly invested in keeping Cocksucker and his weak punches safe. It was fucking perfect, right until  Ben threw another man into the wall, leaving a dent in the concrete, and saw Her.

She was right where they’d left her, smoking but not yet burning, men trying to grab her but falling back with screams as they did. Her bloodless, frozen face was trained on where Sage had stood, and despite the chorus of gunshots and shouting through the warehouse, her heartbeat was as loud as if Ben were right next to her. The tapping was fast—faster than he’d ever heard it, her eyes were unblinking and glazed, and blood was dripping from her lips as she chewed through skin.

She was going to fucking blow.

Another man, in almost slow motion, grabbed Her. But not on the arms or shoulder like the others had attempted. Right on the fucking neck. Ben watched as the idiot's hand landed on Her throat, watched her eyes widen and clear, and watched the man let out an undignified, pussy-like shriek as he recoiled back. But it was too fucking late. The smoke stopped, for only a second, and Ben could’ve sworn the ground fucking shook.

Everything went up into flames.

“Fuck!” Ben heard MM roar from somewhere behind him. “Everyone out! Get the fuck out!”

Ben sent another man flying back, directly into the fire, as he kept his eyes on Her. Still frozen, eyes no longer clouded, looking almost fucking oblivious to the flames around her. She didn’t seem to be burning anymore, only standing in the fire that had burst from her. Her eyes were full of that fear again, shooting upwards as the first piece of the roof fell down with a crash.

“The doors! Open the fucking doors!”

Ben turned to find Butcher shouting as Kimiko and MM struggled with the warehouse entrance. Ben glanced back at Her, but his line of sight was cut as another piece fell. Somehow, over all the noise, Ben heard Butcher once more.

“Soldier Boy, get your cunt ass over here and be fucking useful. Open the fucking doors!”

Ben grabbed one of the idiotic men who hadn’t either burned or tried to scramble away, throwing him directly to the warehouse door. The man shot right through the building, clearing a hole to the outside with a crunch. In the momentary shocked silence of the groups struggle, fire crackled, and another piece of the warehouse fell.

“Out!” Out of the corner of his eye, Ben saw MM practically push Cocksucker through the hole. “Now! Get out!”

Ben stared at the hole, Her heartbeat ripping into him. He could leave her. The building would fall, and he could fucking run in the time it took to pull her out. He could be fucking free, ahead of schedule, no killing Homelander and saving a stupid fucking world full of backstabbing pussies required. They’d find another way to kill Homelander, or not. It wouldn’t be his problem. Ben couldn’t even see her through the smoke and debris anymore. It would be so fucking easy to leave, kill Butcher, and escape.

But Her heartbeat wouldn’t fucking stop. It would keep going and going into his head. And the drum hated it, every time it sank into him, it fed the fucking drum.

He wasn’t moving. He needed to fucking move, or they’d realize his plan and try and knock him out. He wasn’t going back in the fucking box.

And She wasn’t going back to Homelander.

“Fuck!” He yelled at no one, partially hoping she’d just walk out, or someone would call him forward. But all the team had left them, and now the warehouse was just Ben, Her, and a bunch of ill-fated Vought shit-eaters.

Ben turned, throwing the wreckage as he did. It probably wasn’t helpful to the general state of the building the way he did so, but he wasn’t in the mood to be a fucking careful or gentle pussy. He reached Her, and found her passed out, face almost empty. If it weren’t for the sound of her breath, the still-quick flutter of her heart, Ben would’ve thought her dead.

“If you don’t become at least 10% less of a bitch after this Sunshine,” he grumbled at her unconscious body. “I’m throwing you right back in here.”

But he hauled Her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, ignoring the way she seared into his skin, and walked through his previous path to the exit.

———-

The ride back from the disastrous mission made Ben want to blow everyone’s fucking brains out of their heads. There were weird looks, hushed questions about what happened that he had to pretend he couldn’t hear, and a whole lot of self-righteous, sad faces. It was made worse by the fact that She didn’t even wake up until they were fully back in the safe house, meaning Ben had to fucking carry her inside. Butcher offered, but Ben had just glared at him—as far as Ben was concerned, the dick just wanted to take advantage of one of the only “safe” times to touch her—and refused to even respond.

Ben dumped Her in her room, and marched back downstairs to find Butcher still in the fucking living room.

“What the fuck do you want?” Ben grumbled, pushing past him to the kitchen.

“Well, I would usually tell your girlfriend, but seeing as she's taking a bloody little nap you’ll have to do.”

“She’d cut off your dick if she heard that,” Ben snorted. “Take it from my personal experience.”

“Good thing she can’t. Just tell her we’ll be back in a few days for operation Quick and Bald.”

"Operation Quick and Bald?" Ben huffed a sarcastic laugh. “I am not fucking saying those words.”

Butcher smirked. “Your head, Gov. See you in a few days.”

And Ben was left alone in the kitchen.

It took all the way to morning for Her to wake up. She stumbled into Ben’s room with a frown and a determined look.

“Teach me how to fight.”

Ben gave her a lazy half-grin from the bed. “Welcome back, Sunshine. Anything you’d like to say to me? A thank you, for instance. Though I would also accept acts of gratitude.”

“I’m not sucking your dick. Teach me how to fight.”

“I’m good. Not in my job description.”

She glared at him. "Technically, you don’t have a job. We’re not paying you. Teach me how to fight.”

“They’re not paying you either, Sunshine. We’re both victims.”

“I’m legally dead, they can’t pay me. And you’re the farthest thing from a victim, Mr. Body Count in the Thousands. Teach me how to fight.”

“No.” Ben had no interest in doing more for these fucking idiots. He’d already saved her life once in the past day, that should earn him enough fucking gratitude to coast for at least a damn month.

“Please, Ben, this can’t keep happening where I lose control, someone could really get hurt.” She rubbed her eyes in obvious distress. “People did get hurt.”

“So? Hurting people is what we do. You shouldn’t be in the field if you can’t fucking handle it.” Ben repeated the words he had so often told himself through the years. It had always fucking worked for him. She shouldn’t be any different.

“I can’t fucking handle it?!” She scoffed in disbelief. “That’s a mighty stupid thing for the pot to say to the kettle.”

Ben shot her a cold look. “I know how to fucking hold my own, Sunshine, I don’t need someone to fucking save me. You can’t fucking control yourself at all, and it’s a goddamn problem.”

“Nobody made you go back, you could’ve just fucking left me.” She hissed.

"Well, I didn’t,” Ben growled. “Don’t make me fucking regret it.”

“I could say the same for you. You’re only out of the box because I wanted you here-”

“Aw, Sunshine, you wanted me?” He mocked.

“I wanted your powers here. You’re just the vessel.”

“I saved your fucking life, bitch.”

“And I’m sure you’re not going to be a fucking cunt about that forever.”

“You need me.” He shot to his feet. “Don’t fucking forget it.”

She took a step forward, her face venomous. “No, you need me. What do you think happens if they decide I’m a ‘problem’ now, huh? They send me home, and just trust you not to go all revenge-fueled vigilante? If I burn, you burn, Ben. So fucking teach me how to not be a ‘problem’, or it’s your fucking head.”

He bared his teeth at Her. “If I teach you how to fight, will you stop being a fucking pussy and thank me for saving you?”

“Teach me how to fight, really fight and not just throw a punch, and I’ll buy you a fucking fleshlight.”

“What the fuck is a fleshlight?”

She gave him a mocking smirk. “Trust me, you’ll love them.”

Ben paused, examining Her face, angered but firm. “I want three of them.” He still wasn't sure what they were, but She had been frustratingly fucking accurate about what he would and wouldn't like.

“Deal.” She extended her hand, and he glared at it.

“If I hate them, you’re cooking me something.”

“You’d volunteer to be poisoned?” She laughed. “Your funeral, dumbass.”

He ignored her words, and shook her hand as aggressively as he could. “Meet me in the kitchen in three hours. I’m going to make you fucking cry.”

She grinned. “Looking forward to it.”

[maysileeewrites]

a helping hand - John Murphy x reader

Summary: „Why are you helping me? I’m the bad guy, in case you forgot.“ Set during 1 x 10 (I am become Death), based on this teaser.

warnings: mentions of blood + injuries, angst, Murphy being Murphy (yes, he does have a soft side in this, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not still a dick); please lmk if I forgot something! 

AN: I’m not quite sure whether anyone will still care for Murphy x reader in 2023, but I love my trash son so much, I just had to write something about him. Please let me know if you liked it! 

You dip the bloodied cloth into the bucket filled with water, watching as the water slowly turns red. Your hands are bloody as well and there’s dried blood crested under your fingernails, but with all the sick teens around you needing medical attendance, you don’t have time to try to thoroughly wash your hands, so you just dip them into the water, grabbing a bar of soap, watching as the water turns an even deeper red. 

Blood. 

There’s just so much of it. 

You sigh, standing up again. There’s no time for dwelling on your thoughts, not when the whole first floor of the Dropship is full of sick, coughing teenagers that need your help. 

You go to Fox and Connor next, checking up on them. But apart from trying to clean them up - they’ve started coughing up blood as well - and getting them to drink some water, there isn’t much you can do to actually help them. You have no medicine, no painkillers - apart from Monty’s moonshine and considering that a painkiller really is a stretch in your opinion -, nothing. Only a few spare blankets you and Clarke gave out earlier, in order to help keep everyone warm. 

A sudden wave of anger and irritation at your helplessness when faced with this unknown, dangerous virus overcomes you and you clench your fists in frustration. You allow yourself a moment to try and bury that emotion deep inside - because being this emotionally overwhelmed, you won’t be any help to the others -, closing your eyes and breathing deeply. 

When you open your eyes again, they land on Murphy - who’s looking right back at you with his good eye, the other one is still swollen shut. 

You gulp, trying to swallow down the nervousness that is suddenly clawing its way up your throat. Murphy’s the one who brought the disease into the Camp. 

After being tortured by the grounders for days, you try to remind yourself. After being unceremoniously tossed out of Camp for a murder he didn’t commit. And while he’s definitely a rude asshole that can be a bit unpredictable at times - though you think more often than not he’s just lashing out when provoked, attacked, or in case of the whole Charlotte incident, wrongfully accused - you don’t think that he’s as bad as everyone makes him out to be. 

But maybe that’s just you being naive, always wanting to see the good in people. He did try to go after Charlotte, after all. Though, you think, that probably had more to do with him seeking justice - a twisted, self-righteous kind of justice, but still justice - than vengeance. 

You sigh, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. Whatever the deal with Murphy is - and whatever the reason for you to suddenly spend so much of your thoughts on him is - right now, it doesn’t matter. 

Right now the only thing that matters is that he’s sick and hurt and he needs someone to help him clean up his wounds and that’s exactly what you’re here for. 

So, you take a deep breath and square your shoulders, before walking over to him and dropping down in front of him. His blue-green eyes - the good one at least- meet yours for just a split second, but then he’s looking away again. You dip the cloth into the bucket of water - after helping Fox and Connor you’d gone out to get some fresh water - and reach out for him, but just when you’re about to touch him, he twists away from you. 

„What’re you doing?“, he says, his voice low, distrust and irritation evident in his expression. 

„Helping you“, you answer, gesturing to the wet cloth in your hands. „Someone needs to clean up your wounds, Murphy.“ 

He scoffs. „Yeah, right.“ 

You frown. „Look Murphy, just let me help you, please.“ 

He doesn’t say anything to that, doesn’t acknowledge your words with anything other than a raise of his eyebrows, but you decide to just take his lack of a verbal response as a good sign - or at least as a sign that he hopefully won’t refuse your help any further. 

You wet the cloth cloth again, before carefully reaching your hand out to him again. This time, he doesn’t twist away from you, so you gingerly touch his bloodied and scarred cheek with your fingertips, before carefully applying pressure with the cloth. 

All the while, Murphy looks at you, an undecipherable emotion in his blue-green eyes. The intensity of his gaze is distracting, and you swallow, trying to concentrate on cleaning up his wounds, trying to ignore the burning heat of his gaze. Though it’s impossible to really ignore it, with you two being so close that you can feel his warm breath ghosting over your skin, causing you to shiver. 

Something shifts in Murphy’s expression then - if you weren’t paying so much attention, you might’ve missed it, but as it is, you can see the bitter smirk that crosses his lips for an instant, before he bites down hard on his lips. 

Your eyes meet then. You swallow - you feel caught in his stare, unable to look at anything but him. 

„Why are you helping me?“, he asks you, his voice low and raspy and laced with something that almost sounds like desperation. „I’m the bad guy, in case you forgot.“ 

„Because you need help“, you say, underlining your words by lightly trailing your fingertips over the deep cut on his left cheek. „And because I want to understand you.“ It’s true - you do want to understand him. You want to know how he came to be who he is today, why on earth he set fire to a room on the Ark. 

And fuck. This - this is dangerous. 

That bitter smirk crosses his face again. „Oh, so you want to know why I’m such a jerk, why I told the Camp’s location to the grounders, is that it?“ 

„You were tortured“, you say softly, but Murphy only scoffs. 

„Yeah, I’m afraid that doesn’t count as an excuse“, he says, voice full of bitterness. 

„Wha-“, you start to say, but then you remember that you saw Bellamy talking to Murphy earlier. And yes, that would certainly explain Murphy’s comments about his being tortured not being an excuse for giving up your location. 

You sigh frustratedly. Of course you know that Bellamy only wants to protect everyone at Camp, but you also know him well enough to imagine him making some kind of petty remark how he wouldn’t have caved under torture, wouldn’t have given up the Camp’s location. 

Which - fuck that. Anyone would eventually cave under torture, even someone as strong-willed and fierce as Bellamy. 

Murphy’s hiss of pain when you accidentally linger too long on one of his cuts with your fingertips draws you out of your thoughts. „Sorry“ you say, biting your lip. 

Murphy just shrugs and suddenly you’re hit with the desperate urge to help him, even though you’re not quite sure if there even is anything you can do that could make his situation better - apart from cleaning up his wounds, which you already are doing. 

„I’m sorry for what happened to you“, you say then, looking at him. „That’s not - I can only imagine what you went through and I really am sorry that that happened to you.“ 

Murphy looks at you, confusion and irritation evident in his expression. 

„And I know that won’t change anything-“

„No it won’t“, Murphy interrupts you, but this time, there’s no venom in his voice - just pain and resignation. „But it’s nothing I haven’t experienced before.“ 

Now it’s your turn to be confused. As you continue cleaning up his wounds, you mull over his words in your mind, trying to understand what he’s implying with his words. Does he mean that he was tortured on the Ark? But that can’t be right, can it? Yes, the Ark’s council is strict and unforgiving, but you haven’t heard about them torturing somebody. 

„Can you even see anything like that?“, Murphy says, interrupting your thought process, and suddenly he’s reaching out with one hand, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear. 

You swallow, trying desperately not to show how much that one little touch affected you. But your heart is thundering so loudly in your chest that you’re convinced that he’s able to hear it. 

Especially once you can no longer pretend to re-inspect the cuts on his face yet again - you really need to take a look at the wounds on his chest. 

You clear your throat, trying to sound more confident than you feel. „I - uh - I need to take a look at the wounds on your chest, judging by all that blood I’ll probably need to do some stitches … uhm could you - uh - maybe take off your shirt?“ 

Kill me, you think, wanting to die from embarrassment. Of course, the first time you’ll see a boy without his shirt on - apart from some of the boys that walk around Camp shirtless in the morning and you don’t think that they actually count - has to be in this weird situation. 

As if reading your thoughts, Murphy just smirks, before taking off his shirt. But just when’s almost free of his shirt, he hisses, his face screwing up in pain. 

„Let me“, you say, helping him. 

For a moment, you just stare at each other breathlessly. 

Then, so quietly that you’re not quite sure whether you’ve imagined it, he says: „Thank you.“ 

You nod, clearing your throat. Not knowing what else to say, you start inspecting his chest, lightly trailing your fingertips over the various scratches and other wounds - trying not to be distracted by his muscles you can feel under your fingertips and his burning gaze. 

Murphy hisses again when your fingers brush over a particularly deep wound. „Sorry“, you murmur, leaning in even closer to get a better look at his wound. „This wound needs some stitches, I’m, uh, going to get a needle and some thread.“ 

You get up and walk over to where all the medical supplies are stored, thankful for this short moment away from Murphy, his intense stare and your confusing thoughts about him. 

„Here“, you say, after sitting down in front of Murphy again and hand him the bottle of moonshine you’ve grabbed as well, „you might want to drink this before I get started on those stitches.“

Murphy just nods, taking the bottle of moonshine from you and taking a long, big sip. „Do your worst“, he says, prompting you to roll your eyes. 

„Thanks for the vote of confidence“, you murmur, though you can understand why he’d be apprehensive about this. If it were you being in his situation, you’d rather be stitched up by a trained doctor as well, but since you teens are all on your own and Clarke, the only one of you with actual medical training is currently getting some well-deserved sleep, you’re his only option. Unlike Clarke, you haven’t received any actual medical training but you do know how to give stitches - in theory at least - so you hopefully won’t screw this up. 

Here goes nothing, you think, getting started on the stitches. 

Murphy bites down hard on his lips, though a slight hiss still escapes him. 

You cringe, shooting him an apologetic smile before concentrating on his wound again. „Sorry.“ 

Murphy doesn’t say anything in response, just nods. 

You’re both quiet as you continue with the stitches. Then, when you’re almost done, Murphy suddenly says: „I got real sick when I was thirteen … only made it because my dad stole some medicine for me ... course, he got floated for it …“ 

You swallow, meeting his gaze. You don’t know why he’s suddenly telling you this - you just know that the story he’s about to tell you most likely won’t have a happy ending. 

Murphy looks away from you then, laughing bitterly. „My mother … she was never the same after his death … She started drinking. Blamed me for his death. Told me everyday that I’m a worthless good-for-nothing that’s responsible for his father’s death. She died three years after him … and I just-“

He stops talking then, shaking his head. 

„Murphy, I-“, you start to say, though you stop as well, not quite knowing what it is that you actually want to say. Murphy suddenly opening up to you is so confusing and his story so heartbreaking, you’re not quite sure what the appropriate words for this situation are, let alone if there even are any. 

„Anyway“, Murphy now says, voice tinged with bitterness, „I just - I had all this pai- anger in me and I didn’t know how to handle it, how to let it out. So I set fire to those rooms, got arrested.“ 

„Murphy …“, you say, your voice hollow, your heart breaking for the broken, angry boy in front of. 

He laughs dryly, though the sound has a wheezing quality to it that instantly worries you. „You wanted to know, didn’t you? Wanted to understand why I became such a jerk. Well, there you have it.“

„I do“, you say, putting away the needle and thread and looking at Murphy, meeting his gaze. „I do understand you, Murphy. I still think you’re an opportunistic jerk, but I understand, I really do. I - I know that it’s not worth much, but I am sorry that this happened to you, it’s awful.“ 

Murphy just shrugs, not saying anything. 

But he’s still looking at you and now that you know what to look for, now that you finally understand him better, you see the pain in his expression.

Not just due to the torture. There’s so much more, pain that’s probably been building in him for years and that he turned into sharp, pointed hate and anger, because he didn’t know how to deal with all of his pain. 

You want to help him, though you don’t really know how and why. Yes, he is a rude jerk and at Camp he was also somewhat of a bully, but you think that that’s most likely due to him not knowing how to communicate in something that’s not just anger and aggression. But you also believe that there’s more to him - that he’s not just this lonely, broken, rude jerk that that’s probably just a facade he’s hiding behind. 

„I understand, Murphy“, you say again, still looking at the storm of emotions in his green-blue eyes. Something shifts in Murphy’s expression then - he’s listening to you and something in his gaze tells you that he believes your words, believes you. „I truly do. But there’s more to life than just pain, anger and aggression.“ 

With that, you reach out a hand, softly grasping one of his hands with yours. You’re not quite sure why you’re doing it, you just know that you want to be there for Murphy, that you want to help him - and that you want him to understand that you truly mean your words. 

Murphy’s arm jerks, as if he wants to rip his hand out of your grasp, but then he grasps your hand, squeezing it lightly. He reaches up with his other hand, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear. 

Just like before, your breath hitches. But this - this is different than before. This time, there’s no venom in Murphy’s gaze, no quiet challenge, no pent-up anger. Just curiosity and something softer that you can’t quite describe. 

„I still don’t really get why you’re helping me“, Murphy says, leaning even closer to you. You’re so close that you could count the lashes on his good eye. You feel his breath ghosting over your skin and you shiver in anticipation. 

„But I’m glad that I let you.“ With that, he leans in even closer, searching your eyes and whatever he sees in them, must convince him. He presses his lips to yours and you’re so overwhelmed that you don’t know how to react. But just when you feel Murphy starting to pull away, you kiss him back, bringing your free hand up to his neck. 

You feel him smirk into the kiss and if you weren’t currently kissing him, you’d definitely roll your eyes at him. As it is, you continue kissing him, though you give his hand a squeeze that’s probably a bit too harsh. 

Murphy just smirks again, deepening the kiss and tangling his hand in your hair. You can feel your heart start to beat faster and there’s a curious sensation in your stomach that feels like those butterflies that you’ve read about in books. 

You lose yourself in the kiss, in the feeling of Murphy.

Kissing Murphy feels good, though his lips are chapped and dry and he hisses in pain when you overeagerly lean a little too much against him. But still - kissing Murphy feels good. 

And even though you’re still confused and you know that one conversation won’t suddenly make him sunshine personified - you like his dry sarcasm way too much for that - you also know that you want more. You want to get to know Murphy, really get to know him, you want to be there for him. And if there are more occasions to kiss him along the way of getting to know him and helping him, then you certainly won’t complain about that. 

Murphy gives you one last, bruising kiss, before breaking the kiss, breathlessly leaning his forehead against yours. 

„I - Murphy - what …“, you stammer, still too wound up from the kiss. 

Murphy smirks. „That was thank you.“ 

You can’t help but roll your eyes. „I see“, you say dryly. 

„For stitching me up … and for not giving up on me“, Murphy adds, his voice serious again. 

You smile softly, reaching up to brush a strand of hair out of his eye. „I’ll be sure to stick around then.“ 

Murphy grins, though there’s a vulnerability to it now that wasn’t there before. „Doesn’t sound too bad …“ 

„Yeah, it doesn’t“, you agree, before leaning up to kiss him again. 

You feel him smiling into the kiss, causing you to smile as well. 

Yes, the road ahead is not going to be easy - this is John Murphy, resident sarcastic, rude asshole, after all - but you’re not afraid to walk it with Murphy. 

[justasecretflower]

🥀 Meeting Jeff! The killer again after dating him before he was a proxy🤍.

A/N- The long awaited sequel to my. Dating Jeff the killer before he was a proxy. Yes, I am still doing requests, except I’m writing really slow because I’m sick :(.

~fluff.

___________________________________________

- you met him again at a dingy old convenience store while you were out with your friends.

- he didn’t come back from murdering someone, he was just kinda hanging out and getting some junk food and that’s when he saw you, and you saw him.

___________________________________________

One of my friends pushed open the door with an exaggerated heave, laughing with my other three friends. After a long night of bar hopping with my friends f/n suggested that we stock up on gas station junk food then have a movie marathon at their house. Everyone agreed of course, being absolutely wasted and it being a Saturday night.

I walked into the local convenience store. The flickering lights reminded me of a worn down elementary school, the metal shelves top to bottom filled with up with sugary sweet candy to salty and spicy chips. bunch of junk food and a slushy machine was turning and making 3 flavors of slushy. Mindlessly, I walk towards the chips aisle. My shoes lightly tap on the dirty cold floor, crossing my arms to gain warmth in the cool atmosphere while my eyes roll over the options. I hear someone strolling through the aisle with me, instinctively I look over to see..Jeff?

He was looking at me, his head turned and his eyes glittered in such a peculiar way that I had to make sure I was seeing things right. His cheeks were cut, making him have a permanent smile, his black hair now shoulder length and tousled, dirty black converse, and a white hoodie stained with some slightly dried up blood stains. He looks so different, so..not him? Like after he went away he lost all sanity, fell into the depths of a black hole to never return, never find himself again. Nonetheless his eyes were still the same the same ocean blue, the ocean that I fell into and happily let myself drown in, the eyes that looked at me, one day, with a deep affection, with love and care, the eyes that would scan over mine, and without any words create poetry in my soul. My heart squeezed and started thumping hard and fast, like out of instinct to try and reach out for him. Reach out for his touch, his voice, his arms. I couldn’t even get a word out before f/n stuck their head into the chips aisle and asked if I was done in a chipper voice.

I just take a bag of hot fries, eyes still trained on Jeff, and walk away from him, sensing his eyes still burned into my back. Like he was having a hard time taking his gaze away from me out of pure subconscious instinct. I may be reading into it too much.

But it seemed like we both wanted to say something to each other.

___________________________________________

- Jeff would follow you to your friends house that night.

- it took him awhile to muster up the words bubbling in his throat, stalking you and just..standing in front of you all the time.

- eventually he rasped out your name in the most desperate, lost, love-filled tone that made you literally almost fall down to your knees.

- his tone was more so of desperation because of the void left in his heart after he became a killer and you had left his life. He had needed you back, to fill it.

- he tells you what he does now, killing, in a casual manner. But inside? He’s freaking out that you’ll leave him again.

- he can’t let anyone know he’s freaking out though…

- comes through your window to your room all the time?

- dates are just the park at night like when you were kids. Alone in the slide together just talking about random stuff.

- that or you’re having a movie night.

- he doesn’t give physical affection that much. But he likes receiving it.

- he’ll just wait for you to be in the right position for him to lay down his head so you can play with his hair

- calls it “stupid” (he loves it)

- bullies you /srs

- doesn’t introduce you to the other creeps not for your safety but because he’s jealous.

- randomly likes going into the forest just to aggressively push you up to a tree, grip your hair like there’s no tomorrow and kiss you hard.

- then walks away😟

- whenever you say “I love you” he says “you better”

- I don’t think he’s ever actually said “I love you” as an adult to you.

- if you do ever end up visiting the mansion in his room, he’ll push you off him if someone walks in his room.

- scarily overprotective

- he’s such a meanie too.

- he’s overprotective, unstable, and mean.

- if you’re arguing, he’ll punch a wall near you just to scare you.

- I’m sorry I romanticize him a lot you guys need this..

- when he’s gone for missions he doesn’t call or text.

- but when he gets back he’s super clingy even though he denies it.

- yes, he’s toxic. But he’s also just a really really mentally broken man that needs some love here and there.

- he’ll never give you a white picket fence dream. He’ll give you like..random 7-11 runs at 1:30 am, and chug a monster while discussing random stuff

- he doesn’t call you pet names. If he does it’s baby and that’s when he’s being super soft or sarcastic.

- definitely gave you a necklace with his blood in it…

Hope you liked it!!

Working on a bunch of drafts rn✍️

Tags

[writtenbymoonflower]

Hi, if possible could you write a polyMarauders x Reader where she just lost her dog that she had since she was little, and the boys comfort her?

No pressure if you do not want to do this.

I had to euthanize my own dog(Bobby) this morning, he would have turned 13 this summer and I miss him terribly.

Could use soms comfort from the boys.

Love your writing btw. Hope you have a nice day.

Hi lovely! I'm so so sorry for your loss. I've had to put a dog to sleep before so I know how painful that is. If you ever need to talk my DMs are open. poly!marauders x fem!reader

cw: loss of a pet

419 words

You were numb as you left the vet clinic, cheeks tacky with dried tears and mascara. You had expected to be distraught, screaming and disconsolate, but it was as if all fervor had left the minute the shot was administered. And in its place was a throbbing and fierce ache. Your hands had shook the whole trip there, but now you were stony and lithe, it was honestly distressing to your boyfriends. 

You wordlessly got in the car, still holding onto your dog's personal effects like a vice. If you loosened your grip, you were certain that the distance would grow, and you were holding on to any closeness you could find. Even though you were sandwiched in the backseat between James and Sirius, you felt miles away. Some part of you hoped that you were still with him, and that even though you couldn’t feel him, he could feel you, together and far away. You gave one last longing look as Remus put the car into drive, a pinch in your chest as the building got smaller and smaller in your view. Soon, Sirius blocked your view of the window with his face. Usually, you wouldn’t complain, but now it made tears cloud your vision again. 

“I feel like I’m leaving him.” Your voice was pitchy and watery. Under any other circumstance you would feel inordinate amounts of shame, but you were too hollow to care at the moment. Sirius’ features screwed up in pain too. 

“I know, baby.” James pet your hair so gently you could scream. “He doesn’t feel like that though.” You turned your glassy eyes toward him. The present tense he was using tugged your heart.

“I know that he felt so loved by you, sweet girl.” Sirius unbuckled his seatbelt to wrap himself around you. “You were so so good to him. Everyone knows that.” 

“And he loved you too.” Remus said quietly, his voice thick and heavy with emotion. “You made him so happy, even when he was struggling.” You nodded, tears slithering down your face. You pressed your swollen lips together and hid in Sirius’ shoulder. As the car jostled you, it forced more sobs out. You were certain that at any moment your eyes would run dry, but it never happened. You weren’t sure how long the car ride was, but there was no rush, no indication of time passing as the boys held you together. It was pure, sharp pain, only softened by the blanket of love you were surrounded with.

[intoxicated-chan]

𝐁𝐚𝐛𝐲, 𝐘𝐨𝐮❜𝐫𝐞 𝐍𝐨 𝐆𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐌𝐞 𝐏𝐓.𝟐

Summary ➳ Things go awry at camp and everyone heads to the CDC, Shane tries to let go of his suspicious but he becomes angrier.

(A/n) ➳ Flirting and writing creative insults are difficult, another thing to add to my list… I ended up making a MAJOR time jump, I’m sorry!

Word Count ➳ 2.3k

Content Warnings ➳ Female reader, angst-to-fluff, blowjob, TWD violence, panic attack, heavy profanity, mentions of animal’s death, violence, blood, alcohol use…

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

“C’mon.” Daryl grunted, pushing you head further down his cock. He was sitting on the closest rock while your knees dug into the rocky dirt, painfully poking your knees. You just hoped that they wouldn’t leave bruises.

His hand kept a grip on your hair, your jaw went slack and you allowed him to have complete control. He yanked you off him, and he snickered at your state.

Swollen lips and coated in saliva, your cheeks redden with streaks of dried tears. “Ya gotta help me, unless you want that bastard catching you.”

“Okay, okay.” You spoke, voice hoarse.

He pulled you back down to his cock, welcoming him into your hot mouth. Your eyes shut immediately, your tongue swirled around him, you hollowed your cheeks and attempted to take him further down your throat.

“Lookin’ pretty.” Daryl let out a groan, throwing his head back as his mouth opened, letting out an airy moan. “Takin’ me so well.”

As you worked with him in your mouth, you focused on what made him react the most. You gagged each time when the head of his cock hit the back of your throat. You were eager, desperate for more and more, moaning around his cock, adding more sensation.

The tip of Daryl’s ears are red, grunting in between his teeth, he was struggling to contain his moans.

Suddenly, you were tugged off his cock. Your eyes open in surprise, and you see him jerking himself off in front of you.

He pulled your head further back, forcing you to stick out your chest towards him. “Wait Daryl-”

He cursed like before, his cum spitting out all over your chest and shirt… Your shirt! You remain angrily silent as he pumped himself a couple of more times before stopping.

Daryl slightly leaned back, panting for air as he eyed you with a smirk. “Lookin’ quite pretty.” He commented.

“Gonna make me walk back to came lookin’ like this?” You asked him, pulling at your shirt and feeling it stick to your skin.

Daryl tucked himself back into his pants and his shit eating grin did fall. “Ashamed?”

“No. I just rather not have Shane up my ass about it.” You sighed, standing to your feet and dusting off your knees and back of the dirt.

Daryl picked up his crossbow. “Head on, I’ll see ya back at camp.”

Everyone surrounded the campfire as the freshly caught and cooked fish was passed around. Laughter and bickering filled the air, taking their mind off all the worries, even if it was just for a moment.

You sat in the folding chair next to Shane, poking at your food as it was awkward for you and Shane. You wanted to sit next to Amy or Andrea but Shane convinced you to at least sit next to him.

You avoided eye contact with him, still feeling hurt.

You saw from the corner of your eye, Shane placing his plate down on his lap and sighing. “(Y/n), ‘bout earlier-”

“Save it.”

“I should’ve not said that. I was jus’ worried.” Yet he continued. “Especially ‘bout the dog, I know you loved him.”

“That don’t give you the right to treat me like a teenager.” You picked at the fish, tearing it into smaller pieces. “He was a good boy, a good one.” Your voice shakes as your vision becomes blurred.

Shane’s hand comes around to your shoulder, pulling you to lay your head on his shoulder. “He was… I understand you want to believe in those guys, and I ain’t gonna stop my suspicions. We can’t afford to make mistakes.” Shane clicked his tongue, hesitating on his next words. “But I’ll try to tolerate ‘em for now.”

You looked at him, confusion written all over your face. “...You screwin’ with me?”

Shane laughed at your reaction, shaking his head and smiling. “I ain’t, I’m apologizin’.” It took you a moment before you looked back at the campfire and smiled as well. “I miss this.” Shane said as he rubbed your shoulder, using his other hand to eat his food.

Your appetite returned, but you attempted to sit up but Shane kept his grip on you. “You gonna let go?”

“Gotta accept my apology.”

“I gotta eat.”

“You’ll give in.”

“C’mon Shane!”

“Forgive me!”

Both of your laughter joins the chatter of the rest of them talking about Dale’s watch. It really brought back memories of before all of this happened.

“Alright, alright! I’ll forgive you-”

Amy screamed.

You jumped out of his gasped and looked in her direction, Walkers… More than you could in your now panicked state. They were coming from behind the R.V.

Everyone else began to scream as well, scrambling to get away from the fire.

“Shit!” You tripped on your own feet. “Fuck Shane!”

Shane dragged you a couple feet back, grabbing his shotgun and cocked it. “(Y/n) stay with Lori!” He stood in between you three and started shooting.

You pulled out your dagger, your eyes scanning all around you.

“Look out!” Lori cried out.

You dodged the lunge from the Walker, plunging your dagger directly into its skull. You kicked its body back and kept Lori and Carl close to you.

Lori held Carl tightly, he screamed and cried. You don’t blame him, you wanted to scream and cry too.

Gunshots rang all around you, screams and cries… You couldn’t focus at all.

It was all overwhelming.

The shotguns made your ears ring loudly, but you could still hear the screams loud as day. And those fighting without guns, fight with bats, smashing their heads in.

“(Y/n)!” Shane grabbed your arm as Lori and Carl remained behind him. “C’mon! Follow me!”

Once Shane released your arm to continue firing, you remained on Lori’s left, keeping your dagger up as Shane led you all to the R.V.

“Carol!”

“Stay close!”

“C’mon, y’all! Work your way up here!”

You grabbed an arm of another Walker and stabbed it in the head again, its body dropping to the ground with a wet thud.

You gagged, bringing your arm to attempt to block the disgusting smell of its rotting corpse.

“Right in front of you, Shane!”

Shane continued shooting down Walkers as you all got closer to the R.V.

“Get to the R.V.! Go!”

But now cornered to the R.V. You all had to face the group of them behind you.

“Morales, work up here!”

His shotgun now empty, Shane kept his arms in front of you, Lori and Carl. “Make your way to the Winnebago!”

More shots are heard, and you see the group that went to save Merle. They worked quickly to clean out the threats.

Daryl’s shotgun ran out of bullets, he used the butt of it to kill another.

Rick used his pistol as he too ran out. “Baby! Carl! Baby!” He repeated, falling to his knees as Carl ran to him.

Silence falls among everyone, except those who are still crying and clutching their families close to their chest.

You choked on your words as you reached out to Shane with bloody hands. You tried calling out for him but whimpers left your lips.

Shane, still filled with adrenaline, heard your sounds. His hands immediately on your shoulders, thinking of the worst.

“You hurt?!”

But seeing as the blood was only Walkers’ blood, he didn’t have to worry about you turning but trying to calm you down.

When your knees gave out, Shane was quick to support you, slowly sitting you down on the ground.

“I need you to breathe.” Hold your face in his hands. “Breathe for me, breathe.”

You started to become light headed, your breathing turning into rapid gasps. “I-I can’t-”

“We made it, we’re safe.” Shane felt helpless as he looked into your eyes, fear in them. “Everythin’s alright. We’re gonna be alright.”

You sat on your cot, looking down on your lap as the damp towel was thrown over your wet hair.

All you could think about was that night, you thought you were prepared for a surprise attack, but seeing them all up in your face, seeing them devour the living…

You couldn’t get it out of your head.

Imagine yourself as one of them…

It made your stomach churn, your throat go dry, and your body shake.

Nightmares, the nightmares from weeks before were of you turning or Shane… Sat on a chair, just listening to the horrid sounds.

“Hey.” You jolted, picking your head up to see Daryl with a plate of food in one hand, already sitting besides you. “Ya with me?”

You nodded, taking off the towel.

“Brought ya food.” He sat the plate on your lap, taking a swing from the bottle of wine he brought with him. “Notice ya didn’t eat anythin’.”

You took the fork and took a bite. It was delicious… But you chewed slowly and silently, unsure if you were going to vomit it all out.

“Ya gonna say anything’?”

Silence.

“Ya regret it? ‘Cause it startin’ to look like it.”

You shook your head.

“Then fuckin’ say it.”

You looked him in the eye. “I don’t regret a single thing with you, I never could.”

“Ya gonna finish eatin’?”

“I ain’t hungry.”

Daryl snatched the plate and dropped it on the group, he leaned into your neck and began planting kisses.

“Daryl-” Your hands come to his chest. “Are you drunk?” He grumbled something in response and you sighed, pushing him back. “You’re drunk.”

You took the wine from him and dropped it next to the plate, laying him down on the cot.

“C’mon.” He groaned, reaching for the wine.

“You had enough.” You giggled at his flushed face. “You gonna make it to your room?”

Daryl grumbled again, laying on his back, his head to the side. You laughed again, laying on his arm.

“I was serious. I loved it.” He hummed, closing his eyes. You shuffled closer to him. “Don’t believe me?”

“Shut up.”

“I-”

The door quickly opened, slamming on impact. “(Y/n)?” Shane said.

“Calm down Shane! Calm down!” Rick yelled, holding his best friend back, his arm around Shane’s neck.

“Daryl! Stop it!” T-Dog’s arms were hooked under Daryl’s arms.

Everyone was shouting over everyone, Lori stayed by your side confused and trying to get answers out of you. But you were more worried if Shane was going to end up killing Daryl.

It was like time froze when Shane came into your room, finding you lying next to Daryl… Then hell broke loose.

Shane was blinded by rage, his knuckles bloody as he was able to get a couple of hits on Daryl before he was pulled off.

“Imma kill you Dixon! You hear me!” Shane growled, trying to get out of Rick’s grip. Glenn wrapped his arms around Shane, worried and panicking. “I fuckin’ saw you touchin’ her!”

“Ain’t that fuckin’ sweet!” Daryl only laughed, ignoring everyone’s suggestions to shut up. “There’s more than jus’ touchin’!”

“Fuckin’ cut off your hands! Every fuckin’ piece of you! Feed you to the damn Walkers!”

Rick and Glenn started to drag Shane out and into a different room, Lori following behind him.

“Give me a sec.” You told Daryl, heading to Shane who was sitting down with Rick.

Rick placed his hand on your shoulder. “Are you-”

“What the fuck was that?” You demanded to know, slapping Rick’s hand away. “What the hell is the matter with you?”

“The hell did I say? I don’t trust him!”

“You don’t trust him and you can’t trust me?!”

“I didn’t say that!”

“I appreciate your fuckin’ concern, I ain’t a fuckin’ child let alone yours Shane! Short your shit out!”

The room became silent as you both glared at each other. Rick was ready to step in at any second.

“Okay-”

“Fine. do whatever the hell you want.” Shane stood abruptly. “See how that works for you.”

“Best fuckin’ believe Shane, I fuckin’ will!”

With that, You turned on your heel, storming out of the room.

“Gonna suck him off to make him feel better ‘bout himself?!”

Now back in your room, with your back against the door as you took deep breaths to calm down.

Daryl sat on your cot, trying to wipe the blood off his face with your towel. “...He always like that?” His eyes narrowed as he too was still angry.

“It’s not- Shane’s just… I-I don’t know anymore.” You fall to the ground, crying. “I don’t know what happened to him. He ain’t the same anymore, like he’s goin’ crazy.”

No longer able to come up with an excuse for Shane’s behavior change. You don’t know where or how it started…

“When the world goes to shit, shows a side of ‘em you ne’er expected.”

You sniffled, wiping your eyes and taking a couple of deep breaths. You then got up and walked to Daryl, grabbing the towel to clean the blood he missed.

“You sure know yer way ‘round fixin’ people up.”

A hint of a smile returned to your face. “Years of practice. Now hold still.” Dapping and swiping his face, you poked his nose. “Is it broken? Feelin’ better?”

“Fine. look (Y/n)-”

“Jus’ shut up.”

Before he could finish, you leaned in and pressed your lips against his. And Daryl’s rough hands gently cupped your face, your hands came to his wrist.

It was just the two of you and everything else disappeared. A kiss filled with frustration and passion, the tension still injured from earlier, but it soon vanished.

You both pulled away, your eyes meeting his. You had started to regret it until Daryl spoke.

“Ain’t that somethin’.”

You couldn’t help but smile and nod. “Yeah, it was.”

© Intoxicated-Chan 2024, I do not allow my work to be copied, translated, modified, adapted, or put on any other platform without my permission.

Taglist ➳ @easystreet07 , @daryldixmedown , @blackvelveteen1339 , @nosebleeds-247 ,

[gretavanbrie]

Landslide (J.T.K.)

Summary: You’ve loved him for as long as you can remember, does he feel the same?

Pairings: Jake Kiszka x F!Reader

Warnings: no smut for this part just pure ANGST ;), established friendship, swearing, unrequited love, light portrayal of anger, jake & y/n are a little dramatic but aren’t we all?? mentions of childhood, alcohol consumption… if I missed anything lmk, I’ll fix it no issue!!

A/N: I’m actually really excited for this one!! This is based on the winning answer of this poll I did, if you guys are looking for a bit more context on what this is about. I may have hurt my own feelings a couple times amidst writing this, I had my Jake lane friend read it and she was not too happy with me so hopefully this will strike a nerve for you guys as well!! If not that’s cool too! My writing is pretty sporadic so I’m gonna try and put out as much content as I can if you guys end up liking this story. I’m a waitress so my hours are long and unpredictable I do apologize in advance lol. I’m debating on if I should leave this as is, or make two long parts, or even start a mini series…not too sure yet but lmk what you think!!! Also this is vaguely proof read. If there are any mistakes, bare with me.

Part 2 | Part 3

Here you were, standing in front of the mirror, clammy hands nervously smoothing down the fabric of the dress you adorned. You made it a point to pull out all of the stops today, you’d washed and beautifully dried your hair. You gave one last look at your makeup before running your hands through your hair and heading to grab your bag. You let out a shaky breath picking up your phone.

The boys were back from tour and some mutual friends were having a little gathering as a welcome back. Any other time you wouldn’t have been so uneasy but the conversation you had with Josh had been replaying in your head the entire time they’ve been gone.

“Are you ever going to tell him?” You immediately recognize that voice.

Everyone was outside as the small farewell party for the commence of the tour had somehow migrated towards the backyard of Josh’s lovely home. You clear your throat in an attempt to rid the uneasiness in your voice.

“Excuse me?” You turn setting down the bottle of wine you were going to pour for yourself. He stood at the entryway of the kitchen as you feigned a confused expression to which he saw right through.

“Y/n..we may not hang out as much as you and my brother do but I still know you just as well. If not more, it seems” you just stared at him for a moment trying to find a good way out of this before quickly turning around and finished pouring yourself a glass. With your back still turned you speak up knowing there’s no use in hiding it anymore, if there was one person you could trust with this information it would be him.

“It’s just not a conversation to be had, he’s my best friend nothing more. It’s just a silly crush it’ll go away” you waved your hand to seemingly brush it off as you turned to face him. Not the whole truth, but not necessarily a lie? God you didn’t even believe yourself, how could you expect him to. You brought the glass to your lips letting the smooth red ease your nerves.

“A silly crush that’s lasted since senior year?” The minute those words left his mouth your eyes widened in shock. Quickly swallowing to refrain from spitting your drink all over his nice white shirt.

“What do you mean by that?” you stare inquisitively not knowing he was privy to just how deep this ‘silly crush’ had run.

“Oh c’mon don’t play coy. Like I said, I know you. We were friends first..lest you forget.” You giggled recalling the vague memory of 2nd grade recess, he stepped further into the room before continuing on.

“You keep too much to yourself, you’ve gotta stop sacrificing your own needs for the sake of what you think the other person wants. Disregard me as his brother for the time being, right now I’m coming to you as a friend. I’m not here to pressure you into telling him anything, that is your own decision to make. I just want you to ask yourself if this is what you really want. I mean come on your twenty-seven now y/n. You think I haven’t noticed that you’ve refused to see anyone since summer going into senior year?’

“That’s not true” you cut him off, defending yourself.

“I wasn’t completely celibate I was seeing that one guy Liam for some time… a-and Henry my sophomore year of college. I’m just not looking for anything.” Truth was, you were at one point. You convinced yourself getting under someone was the only way to get over another. Until you realized neither of them were Jake and that’s why you could never see them as a part of the long haul.

“And did you ever make it official with them? Or better yet, did they last any longer than 8 months?’ He challenged. You looked down at your feet defeated knowing there’s no use in denying any more. You know he knows. There was a beat of silence before you spoke up once more.

“I’d rather him be my friend than nothing at all, Josh.” you said quietly looking up at him as he embraced you in a hug running his hands through your hair.

You hear him sigh before he quietly speaks into your hair.

“I know.”

———————————————————————————

You shut your eyes and shook your head as if to rid the memory. You had wracked your brain enough about it. Josh was right and you knew it, it’s been nearly 10 years but you hadn’t always had feelings for Jake. For a while actually you would nearly gag at the mere thought. Albeit there wasn’t much room for romance during the pre-pubescent “cootie” stage of your life.

Your parents and the Kiszka’s became rather close throughout the years. You and the Kiszka clan wreaked borderline havoc growing up. With all the trouble you got into it was only a matter of time your parents would cross paths. Once they realized the five of you were inseparable they decided there was no use in staying strangers. Danny and his family soon came into the picture and you considered yourselves a bond to never be broken from that point on.

Although Jake had deemed you guy’s best friends summer going into 5th grade year, you were closest to Ronnie in high school. You were girls together. During the time of first periods and finding out boys can be attractive you migrated towards each other and found solace together within the testosterone-tainted group you had formed. You’d always struggled making friends, you didn’t normally speak unless spoken to. You weren’t necessarily shy, you just always felt like you didn’t really fit in with all the rest.

Once you crossed paths with Josh 2nd grade, he left you no choice but to be his friend. He was overly inviting and basically dragged you to join him on whatever crazy idea him and his twin had gotten into next. You chose to not complain given he was actually nice to you and took time in making sure to include you.

You had remained school friends for the years following, hangouts limited to recess and lunchtime until around the summer before 5th grade when you moved a few houses down from their own. You saw them playing outside from your bedroom window one day and begged your mom to run down there and greet your friends.

You and your ponytail came flying out of the house screaming “Josh! Jake! It’s me!!! From Ms. Crowley’s Class!!! I live by you now!!!”

“Y/n!! Is it really you!! We can play at home now!!” Josh exclaimed, his twins' smile growing ten fold.

“You have to meet my brother and sister, we can all play together now!” Jake said, calling out for Ronnie and Sam. You were quickly introduced to the two and although they were a couple years younger, you were kids, and found joy in whatever silly games you had come up with together nonetheless.

As you sat up against the tree cooling off from the intense game of freeze tag you all had just played, you saw Jake walk up and sit beside you.

“I can’t believe you moved close to my house, loser. Today was fun.” the boy said, ruffling your hair.

‘Hey! Quit! I’m not a loser.” you laughed pushing his arm away.

“Yea-huhh, that’s why you couldn’t catch me during tag.” he mocked, you squint your eyes at him playfully before pushing him away from you.

“That’s why you have cooties!” You retaliated feeling defensive now.

“See! Sore loooserrr” Jake sing-songed.

‘You’re being a meanie now Jakey, it’s just a game” you pouted looking to your feet. You probably were just being sensitive but you hadn’t known better. His expression softened realizing his words might’ve stricken a nerve.

“Oh come on, you know I’m kidding, you’re my new best friend. Especially now that we live so close” he said, lips tugging into a shy smile as he softly elbowed at your side. You whipped your head up to look at him

“You think I’m your best friend? You promise?” You said as hopeful eyes met his own. No one had ever made it a point to deem you as such. A friend is one thing, but a best friend was something far more special in your mind.

“Pinky promise.” he assured, hooking your smallest of fingers with his own.

————————————————————————————

The sentiment was sweet and you were thankful you had friends like them growing up, it made life a little easier knowing you had a constant. Easier until teenage hormones came into the picture and Jake was no longer your boy-ish ‘best friend’ and had started growing handsomely into his features. His face became more chiseled, his chest a bit more filled out, voice dropping a couple octaves lower and not to mention he grew taller. It all happened too fast for your awkward teenage self to process. One day he was regular old Jake and the next he was…hot.

So, you did what you thought was best. Denied any and all attraction and gaslighted yourself into thinking it would go away. It was Jacob for fucks sake, your life-long friend who you considered a brother to you. You and Ronnie had gotten suspiciously closer that year, you brushed it off as ‘needed girl time’ but as years passed you realized you were just trying to distract yourself from Jake in hopes that if you saw him less, the attraction would eventually metastasize.

Boy were you wrong because Jake was adamant on including you in every hangout as he began to gain popularity. You had convinced yourself things would drift off throughout high school, thinking the boys would deem themselves ‘too cool’ to hang with you now and the silly pinky promise he made would be brushed off as immature to him. But it wasn’t, he instead kept his promise. His friends soon becoming your own, girlfriends never lasting long because ‘you and Ronnie are more important to me than any other girl’ he says. Finding yourself at their house more often than you had expected for this new chapter of your life and before you knew it, you had grown closer than ever, and your growing crush more suppressed than ever.

You were shaken out of your thoughts as your phone began buzzing. An incoming call from none other than Veronica herself. You quickly picked it up, bringing the phone to your ear.

“Girl where are you?! You promised you’d be here by the time I got here” you heard her whine on the other end. “Everyone is already mingling, the boys are late yet again and I have no one!” You laughed into the line knowing she was just exaggerating.

“Oh come on Ron, it can’t be that bad you know Mike a-and Dave’s girlfriend.” You tried reasoning, knowing you’d be just as anxious if your friends hadn’t showed up just yet.

“I’m sure they’re already there, talk to them for a little bit okay? I’m sorry, I’m leaving now I just got caught up finding what to wear” you continued, not necessarily a lie although you didn’t want her to know the real reason you were stalling was because today could possibly change the entire trajectory of your life. Dramatic to say the least, but true.

“It’s okay y/n, I was giving you shit. I’ll be fine… wait a minute. Did you say you were looking for something to wear?? You’ve never cared about that stuff, who are you trying to look good forrrrrr?” she teased.

“‘Oh hush Ronnie, it's just been a while since I’ve gone out and felt hot. Just needed a boost of confidence today is all, no secret fella or anything” you giggled.

“Yet…” she laughed.

“Yea yea whatever, let me go so I can head over” you said grabbing your keys and slipping on your shoes.

“Okay okay, byeeee love you!” She said before quickly hanging up.

“Love you too” you said to no one in particular, smiling to yourself at your dear friend's abruptness.

There was no reason for you to be so nervous, it’s just the boys and Ronnie. It was Jake that had you so uneasy. You had replayed yours and Josh’s conversation enough times to knock some sense into yourself. You weren’t going to lay it on him full force but tonight was your chance to let your guard down and not shy away from him. Maybe even flirt, as best you could anyway, if things were smooth sailing. He’s been single for some time this was your chance to maybe plant a couple seeds. You wanted to see if there was even the slight off-chance he may just like you back and you’d be able to look back at how foolish keeping it from him was.

It was easier said than done as you started second guessing your entire look. You felt as though everyone would think you were trying too hard but that wasn’t the case, you’d gone out in more extravagant looks than the white linen sundress you settled on. It was flowy and stunning, casual but beautiful enough to make you feel at your best. Your hair cascaded beautifully down your back from your blowout, you put on your expensive perfume. You felt great, the only significant difference was that you wore a little extra makeup and you took the time to do your nails. You knew it was purely the anxiety talking. Plus, no one even knows how you feel about him other than Josh.

In attempts to calm yourself, your hand reaches for your phone as you stop at a light. Opening your Spotify you hit shuffle on your playlist. You sighed and smiled as the familiar guitar from Cannock Chase by Labi Siffre started playing. You and Jake loved this song, singing it on too many drunken nights to count. It truly was a beautiful song. You decided to just enjoy yourself and let the evening take its course rather than stressing out about it.

————————————————————————————

You pull into the long driveway of your friend Spencer’s house seeing all the cars parked out front. You find a good spot and walk up to the door seeing a few others talking by the front steps, you recognize his fiancé and smile politely walking towards her.

“My god, y/n is that you? You look absolutely stunning.” She smiled as she wrapped her arms around you before pulling away and linking arms, guiding you towards the entrance of her and Spencer’s shared home.

“Mmm and you always smell amazing, have you been inside yet? We missed you like crazy, Ronnie’s been inside waiting. I think the boys are here already though-“

“Thank you Claire, I appreciate it. I’ll be sure to find them” you cut her off smiling gently as you gave her hand one last squeeze before stepping inside. Claire is a lovely woman but has a bad habit of rambling, you find it endearing but others seem to tire of her rather quickly.

Upon crossing the threshold into their home you’re immediately greeted by the short brunette.

“Finally! The boys are here, come on, we've been wondering where you were.” You nervously laughed as Ronnie grabbed your hand and dragged you towards the backyard.

You weave through the small bunch of people gathered in the living room and kitchen before you walk through to the sliding door, stepping onto the patio. Josh spots you and immediately heads over to give you the warmest of hugs.

“I knew it was you, I’d recognize that perfume anywhere. Glad you could make it little one” you smiled in his embrace at his terms of endearment, your cheeks warmed at the sentiment.

“Thank you Joshy, I’m so happy to finally see you. It’s been far too long.” you smiled up at him before you were quickly swept away.

You startled as you felt strong arms wrap around your waist from behind lifting you up and twirling you. You laughed recognizing the familiar cologne, you see his chestnut brown locks as he sets you down.

“And who might this lovely lady be?” Jake jokes, stepping back to get a good look at you.

“What an extravagant greeting, I see you’ve been gone long enough to forget about a girl like me” you joked back, hand coming up to rest on our chest as you feigned a look of hurt. Your favorite bit with him now taking it’s course.

“Ahhh, nonsense. A girl like you? Unforgettable'' he assured in his familiar cockney accent flashing you that infamous smirk you’ve grown to love. You looked down bashfully as you blushed yet again. You’ve almost grown sick of how quickly he can turn you into mush, you know he means nothing by it. You can’t help but wish maybe he did.

“Oh come on, you’re just saying that.” You laughed as you walked over to pour yourself some wine. Opting for a white this time given your attire. God forbid your nerves get the better of you and you spill it all over yourself.

You can’t help but notice you and Jake had accidentally coordinated outfits. He bore a cream colored blazer, akin to his cream colored pants. The muted brown button up he had on underneath was unsurprisingly left open with a couple of his pendants decorating his chest. He looked handsome, to say the least.

“Hmm you don’t sound so excited to see your lifelong friend, I’ve been gone for months and this is the treatment I receive?” He exaggerates, giggles escaping between words not able to take himself seriously.

“I thought we were besties y/n” he laughs, feigning a hurt expression knowing that would make you crack.

You can’t help but let a giggle escape your lips, the joke now running dry.

“Alright, alright. I guessss I missed you '' you say, wrapping both your arms around his waist. He gives the quickest peck to the top of your head.

“It’s good to see you sunshine, been too long” he gives you one last squeeze, you smiled at the old nickname he called you as you pulled away.

“Did you forget about us?!” You hear Danny exclaim. You whipped your head towards the back door sliding closed as the self-proclaimed “better half” of the band stepped outside.

“How could I? With the million random voice notes I’m sent a day…not a chance” You tease walking up to hug Sam.

“Glad I could aid, you look fantastic y/n. Definitely better than when we left” Sam teased tapping his chin as if in deep thought.

“Hey! Not cool man.” you jokingly retort as Danny comes up to give you a side hug.

“Yeah your hair’s longer or something or..you put on blush? Fuck, I tried. I don’t know what girls do but you look great” Danny says pulling back to examine you, you blushed at all the sweet gestures.

“She’s always been a looker!” Josh blurts in his exaggerated Midwest accent, raising his brows giving you a cheeky smile. You giggle at his candor.

“Yeah? You’re like…glowing, I’m glad to see you so happy. Also I didn’t tell you when I saw you but I don’t know why you were nervous on what to wear, this dress looks beautiful on you” Ronnie says smoothing out the flyaways on the top of your head. You and Josh make eye contact, he flashes you a look knowing exactly why you were nervous before averting his eyes and taking a sip of his mixed drink.

“Thank you guys I really really appreciate it, but this is a celebration for you! We haven’t seen each other in quite some time, let's make the most of it yeah?” You say raising your glass.

Jake would never say it out loud because he loved teasing you, but you did look rather beautiful today. Sam was right, you looked different. Good different. Maybe it was the hair, or maybe it was having some stress-free months without them. Jake knew they could be quite the handful and maybe this time away from each other caused this new glow, so he thought.

Whatever it was, he admired the way your hair blew softly in the wind. How the midday sun had created the perfect glow on your skin. He especially loved how the sweetness of your perfume matched your sweet personality. He was extremely proud to have you in his life.

“Cheers to that!” Sam exclaims raising his seltzer can.

“Alright! First order of business now that we’re all here "Josh butts in, waving a finger in the air. We wait patiently for his supposed plans, all you hear is the faint music for a second before he speaks up again.

“Yeah.. I’ve got nothing. Although it is a rather beautiful day..” he continues looking around at the beautiful midday sunlight. The six of us break into laughter at his wit.

“Doesn’t Spencer have a pool table? I say we play a couple rounds and catch up?" Sam offers looking around for approval.

‘I’m in, everybody down?” Jake speaks up, moving to stand beside you. Hums of approval circulate as we all migrate inside towards the billiards table. Before you fully enter Spencer’s spare room you feel a hand on your lower back. Turning, you're met with Jake's familiar caramel eyes.

“Hey.. whenever you’ve got time, you mind if I get a word alone with you?” He asks. You should feel worried given the question but he seemed…excited? You couldn’t precisely read the emotion clouding his irises.

‘Um, sure. I-is everything okay” you couldn’t help the anxiety that burned in your chest.

“More than. Just gotta share something special with you.” He says flashing you a warm smile, quickly easing your nerves.

“Okay then, I’d love that.” You smile before you two make your way inside the room seeing a couple of others have also decided they wanted a go at pool. You spot Ronnie sitting next to Danny on the loveseat and plop down beside her. Taking a long sip from your wine.

“Thirsty?” She laughs, boy she has no idea.

“Yea just needed some refreshment in my life, you know?” you wink at her before setting your glass on the table beside you. She giggles before continuing her conversation with Danny. You watch as the boys argue over who gets solids and who gets stripes.

“You ever gonna learn how to play pool y/n?” Jake teases knowing you’ve never been the best at it. You decide to entertain it.

“Only if I come across a good enough teacher.” You quip smiling up at him.

“Come on then, I think I know a guy” he smirks, reaching his hand out to help you up. You gently take his into your own, pulling yourself onto your feet. Josh takes your spot on the couch as Jake walks you both towards the table and hands you the stick.

You smile at Sam on the other side of the table. You immediately try and get into position going solely based on what you’ve seen. You hear a chuckle behind you as Jake presses himself against your back and adjusts your aim so it’s pointing towards the white ball. Your breath hitches in your throat at the proximity. He clears his throat before abruptly stepping back and shoving his hands in his pockets. Weird.

“Your position was correct, but you were pointing at the black one..you definitely don’t wanna shoot at that just yet” he laughs. “The white one does your dirty work, use it to bounce a striped ball into the closest hole. You and Sam will take turns shooting at your respective balls unless-“ you can’t help but snort, you quickly cover your mouth realizing you’ve interrupted him.

“Hey, get your mind out of the gutter” you just shrug as he smiles. He continues on demonstrating and explaining the rules until you feel confident enough to play a match by yourself. You were grateful Jake has always been so patient with you.

‘You got this y/n!” You hear Ronnie cheer, flashing you her bright smile. You blow her a kiss as Sam initiates the game. Your turn comes and you throw your hair over your shoulders and lean into position. Jake quickly averts his eyes to be respectful although Josh wasn’t shy with it at all.

“Damn mama, lookin good.” he playfully winks, raising his glass to you.

“Oh hush” you laugh before making your first shot that unfortunately didn’t go in but after a couple tries you got the hang of it and you and Sam were down to a close match. You hear Danny and Josh narrating the match like some football game as it comes down to the last few balls on the table until eventually only the 8-ball remains.

This was it. You were one hit away from winning, if you missed this Sam would win and you wouldn’t let that boastful man win any time soon. You may have calmed down over the years but you were still just as competitive as your younger self. You adjust the stick between your fingers, closing one eye to aim just right.

Point. Shoot.

The familiar thud of the ball falling in sounds. You swiftly turn to the long-haired man standing behind you.

“I did it Jake, I did it!!” You exclaim getting lost in the short high of your win. Letting your excitement get the best of you, you tackle him in a hug wrapping your arm around his neck.

“Can’t believe it took you so long to give in and actually play” he says, arms still wrapped around you, pulling back and staring at you. The realization settling in that you may be way too close for comfort. You swore you saw his eyes flicker down to your lips, you brushed it off as wishful thinking. You allow your eyes to run across his face a couple times. Seeing how the tour has treated him. His stubble subtly grew atop his lip, focusing on how soft they looked. His hands tighten around your waist as his breathing picks up. You realize you’ve lingered for too long as silence washes over the room.

You loosen your grip on him and step away from his embrace. You look around seeing everyone had dispersed talking with others. Suddenly feeling very awkward, you clear your throat adjusting the fabric of your dress before combing your fingers in your hair in an attempt to recollect yourself seeing as you now feel incredibly flushed. You clear your throat before speaking up.

“I think I’m gonna step out for a sec” you smile meekly, grabbing your glass.

“N-no yeah, by all means” he gestures towards the door adjusting the lapel of his coat that you had so desperately clung onto moments before.

————————————————————————————

You rush out smiling politely at everyone you pass on your way to the back deck. The sun has started to set, the beautiful golden hour shining brighter than ever across the yard. You step outside feeling the breeze brush past your skin, quietly thankful there was no one out here. You tuck a strand of hair behind your ear as you sit on the porch swing.

You stare off trying to process whatever the fuck that was. God, he just made your heart flutter without any thought. The way he leaned up against you. The way his eyes seemingly locked onto your lips for a split second. It was all too much, were you being delusional? Either way you needed a breather before you made any mistakes. He was your friend, he would never deem you as anything more. He’s seen all your ugly awkward phases, there’s no way he’d see you in any sort of romantic light especially with the amount of beautiful women he meets, he could have anyone.

“Can we talk?” You heard his voice as the sliding door shut. You turn and meet Jake’s eyes as he steps closer in your direction.

“Of course! Sorry, I didn’t mean to just run off. I think the riesling might’ve gotten to me a bit” you force a laugh.

“Come sit” you continue as you pat the spot next to you on the swing. He adjusts his coat before taking a seat and running his hands through his hair.

“Ahh don’t worry about it, I just figured I wanna tell you sooner than later. This is special to me and I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while” his tight-lipped smile showing as he toys with his bracelets before looking up and turning to face you.

He grabs both your hands in his and your heart beat quickly accelerates.

“You’re important to me, y/n. And I think it’s time I share this with you, I can’t hide it any longer. I've been avoiding it because I couldn’t find the right words to say…” he says as his eyes lock in on your own, his thumb gently rubbing over your fingers.

What the fuck is happening? You think to yourself.

“What is it, Jake? You can tell me anything you know..” you say hopeful eyes gazing up at him.

If this was going in the direction you’d hoped, all your dreams would come true. You quickly brushed it off not wanting to get your hopes up.

“I know, sunshine.” He chuckles softly.

“Um, I wanna start by saying I value how close we are which is why I need to make this known..”

Oh my god, is he…

“I’ve been deciding on wether or not I want to pursue this and I don’t think the answer could’ve been clearer, its been in front of me this whole time for fucks sake” he gives a breathy laugh as he scoots closer, eyes boring into your own. His eyebrows furrow for a moment like he’s unsure if he should continue but it's quickly replaced by a smile.

This is it.. is this his way of telling you he feels it too?

“Fuck it I’m just gonna say it..”

Please say what I think you're gonna say..

“Yeah?” You prod, the hope in your tone making you internally cringe.

“..I started seeing someone from our crew…i really like her y/n” he smiled looking at his shoes.

Oh.

The minute those words left his mouth your world seemingly went mute. Your ears rung like you had just been dunked under water. Your smile faded as your face became agonizingly hot and your throat tightened. How could you be so foolish? You should’ve known better. Of course he wasn’t about to confess his undying love for you as you would to him, you let your hopeless romanticism take over and now you’ve hurt your own feelings. Your dress suddenly feeling too tight on your body. You hair was touching all the wrong places. There probably was no need for the internalized dramatics but you wanted to crawl out of your own skin right now.

“Earth to y/n? Aren’t you gonna say anything” he laughs, scanning your face for any sort of emotion. You’d learned how to keep a good poker face dealing with his plethora of girlfriends. You faked a bright smile as tears threatened to spill over.

“Y-yeah!” You clear your throat realizing your voice has broken.

“Is everything okay?” He asks cutting you off before you could continue on. You still kept the insufferably wide fake smile on your face.

“Everything’s great! I'm just so happy for you Jakey, she must be a very special girl and I'm glad you’ve found someone who can put a smile like that on your face” you said, taking your hands from his grasp and rubbing his arm. You made sure to bring out your old nickname for him to convince him you were being sincere.

Jake was listening intently but knew you were lying. He’s known you for years, if he had know any better he’d say you looked heartbroken but decided not to press on it.

‘There’s no way she’s upset, she sees me as just a friend.’ Jake thinks to himself.

“Y-yea i just wanted to tell you today ‘cause she’ll be here any minute now and i’d love for you and Ronnie to finally meet her” he says, now seemingly unsure of himself.

“Wow! Y-yeah.. I mean I’d love to!” You say nervously running your fingers through your hair. God, how were you gonna get through meeting her so soon after the love of your life, who didn’t know he was the love of your life, had just single-handedly shattered your heart.

“Great, i'm so happy you’re my best friend sunshine” he says standing up opening his arms signaling he wants a hug. You rise and give him a quick embrace.

“Yea… me too.” You say as you try and fight off the tears once his arms wrap around you.

You excuse yourself to grab another drink. You rush inside but of course you just had run into Josh on your way to find the strongest bottle of alcohol this house could provide.

“Woah slow down little lady— hey… you okay?” he says, noticing your glossy eyes.

“Peachy. Now, if you’ll excuse me for just one second” you say trying to squeeze past.

“Ah-ah-ah, not until you tell me what’s got you in such a hurry.” He says grabbing your wrist.

“I just need a second alone, please josh..” your voice trails off into whisper, you were trying your best to stay composed but the more he kept poking and prodding at this fresh wound the more afraid you were of completely imploding.

“Oh, okay..” he complies, releasing his grip as he watches you snatch the entire bottle of wine and make your way to the guest bathroom. You were gonna need some liquid courage to withstand meeting whoever this chick is. You didn’t mean to be so sour but you felt foolish.

————————————————————————————

You sat down on the closed toilet seat after locking the bathroom door and thanked whomever that this wine bottle was a twist cap. You took a few sips before processing everything.

10 years.

10 years of convincing yourself that this would go away, but it somehow only grew stronger.

10 years of being irrevocably in love with one of your closest friends.

You were stupid enough to think he would feel the same way when he’s legitimately touring the world and has any girl he chooses at his feet.

Why couldn’t it be me?

I should’ve spoken up sooner. It’s all too late. Would he have even liked me back?

You let your head drop as tears clouded your vision, you succumbed to just letting them fall freely now that you were in private.

You wept for your inner teenage self knowing all she wanted got squashed right before your eye. Life can turn on a dime, you shouldn’t have wasted so much time hoping one day he just might make a move. I mean josh was right, you pathetically remained single because you only had eyes for his brother… for the most part. You’ve mingled but none of them could ever truly get your mind off of him. And for what? He’s just a guy. Albeit, a guy who is incredibly kind to you, knows all your in’s and out’s. How you like your coffee, all your favorite songs. He knew that you had to sleep with one extra blanket in bed because the only way you can fall asleep is if you're wrapped up in it. He knew that you would only ever accept flowers if at least one of the petals has wilted because lest we forget, we too are all but a little damaged. He’d grown to know all your weird habits as if it was second nature to him. He was what every girl desired.

You'd devoted yourself to him, built your life around him almost. Your earliest memories are plagued with him and his family and now everything has come crashing down faster than you can handle. You had a feeling deep down that you needed to get over him years ago so who are you to sit here and feel sorry for yourself. You knew better than to think he could ever love you back. You knew blind faith would come back to bite you in the ass.

It was stupid to wait so long with all these bottled up feelings towards him, you feel like you’ve wasted so much of your time helplessly hoping in silence and now who were you meant to seek advice from. You can’t tell your best friend he’s just broken your heart because you’ve been madly in love with him since you were seventeen. You can’t tell Ronnie because, although you’re incredibly grateful for it, she would come to your immediate defense and the last thing you wanted was a big fallout at their welcome home party. You’ve never been in more internal conflict than now.

You allowed yourself to shed a couple more tears before touching up your makeup and chugging down some more of the cheap Riesling. They would come looking for you any second now.

You collected yourself taking one last glance in the mirror before exuding a shaky breath as your hand reached to turn the knob. Stepping outside your met with Josh leaned up against the wall. Was he waiting for you to get out?

“There you are..” he whispered, swiftly grasping your arm and dragging you right back into the bathroom.

“J-josh what the fuck? What are you doi-“ you were cut off by him shushing you and locking the door.

“Listen, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think he would actually make it official with her. I thought she was some fling of his. If I had known I would’ve warned you.”

“So you know about our conversation?” You softly ask, trying to tame the lump growing in your throat.

“Yea, she’s here and Jake said you ran off after he told you he wanted to introduce you to her”

“Oh my god, I probably embarrassed myself. I wasn’t thinking Josh, I was just afraid I’d lose it in front of him” You say bringing your hands up to rub your temples. Josh reaches to grab your wrists, holding your arms in front of you.

“Hey, hey.. stop stressing yourself out. Everything happens for a reason, okay? You didn’t embarrass yourself, no one suspects a thing. I just wanted to make sure you were alright, it's pretty big news for you” he says, thumb rubbing gently on your forearms. The waterworks were conjuring up again, a small tear slipped as you met his eyes.

“I waited too long Josh…” you whispered.

“You were right. I shouldn’t have done this to myself. I-I mean, am I crazy for wishing someone could love me the way I love them?” You questioned rhetorically, your teary eyes staring into Josh’s pity-filled ones. You hated how he was staring at you. You didn’t need pity, you knew the mess you got yourself into.

"Not crazy at all, sunshine.” Hearing Jake's nickname for you coming out of Josh’s mouth felt wrong. Especially right now.

“Come on. let's take a deep breath and greet the guest, shall we?” He offers. You inhale a sharp breath before nodding your head in compliance, it was gonna happen one way or another, might as well man up for now and wallow in the privacy of your own home.

————————————————————————————

You both make your way into the living room seeing everyone gathered around the couch. A few people seemed to have gone home, there were a lot less people than when you showed up. Sam, Dan, and Ronnie sat on one couch.

Your eyes peered over to Jake in the kitchen talking to a beautiful blonde. She was wearing black silk blouse and some mom jeans. It was casual but elegant, you envied how effortlessly pretty she was.

“Hey.. stop getting in your head.” Josh whispered in your ear. Claire and Spencer waved for you to come join everyone. You took your seat as Ronnie got up from her spot next to Sam and came over to sit next to you.

“Where were you? You like..disappeared” she giggled. You smiled at her as best you could.

“The wine wasn’t sitting well, I needed a breather” you laugh hoping she believed you.

The only reason you never told any of your friends about your feelings for Jake was because at first you were convinced it would go away, so why embarrass yourself by telling someone something only for it to not be true in a few weeks and potentially jeopardize an entire friendship. Then as the years went on of you gaslighting yourself into thinking it would go away, all of a sudden 10 years had gone by.

“Ugh I feel you, Sam made me the nastiest marg earlier. I thought I was gonna yak” she says clutching her stomach. You laugh along with her, thankful she didn’t pry any further.

You were broken from your conversation as Jake walked in the room, his hand locked in hers as he guided her in.

“Alright everyone, this is Laura. My beautiful girlfriend.” He says leaning in to kiss her cheek. Jake seemed like he’s had one too many, his words slightly slurring but you don’t question any further. She politely smiled and greeted everyone. Jake notices you, his eyes twinkle before shining you a bright smile and gesturing for her to come meet you.

“Y/n, Laura. Laura, y/n.. this lovely lady has been one my best friends since elementary school” he introduces, slurring his words a bit gesturing towards you with an open palm. You smile wide and rise to give her a quick hug, Josh watching you intently. Your hospitality is admirable.

“Oh my gosh! You’re y/n! I've heard so much about you, I love your dress” she compliments.

Fuck. She’s actually really nice, it sounds terrible to say but you were secretly hoping she was bitch so you wouldn’t feel as bad for being so upset. Your moral compass however, refuses to allow you to feel negatively towards anyone undeserving.

“Thank you, you're so kind. It’s a pleasure to meet you” you smile bright as your cheeks flush from the sincerity of the compliment. She excuses herself to the bathroom, as Jake gestures for the two of you to take a seat yet again. The constant sitting and standing was starting to wear you out.

“Soooo what’d you think?” He says

“Short interaction, but she seems like a great girl Jakey. As long as you're happy I’m happy.” You give a tight-lipped smile, toying with a loose string on your dress.

“That’s it? That’s all you're gonna say?” he asks, stumbling over his words. There’s a certain tone he brought on that you didn’t like.

“W-well I don’t know what you want me to say… a-are you drunk right now?” You say, now adopting a confused expression.

“You could at least act a little more enthused for me. I mean do you even care at all? I was excited for the two of you to meet” he says, scooting back in his spot. He seemed offended, where was all this coming from?

“I-I’m sorry? I don’t know why you’re getting so upset with me. What do you want me to do Jake?” You say lowering your tone so the others around you do catch wind of whatever disagreement this seemed to be.

“You know what…just forget it, you could at least act like you care.” He spat, harshly grabbing his drink and abruptly leaving from his spot beside you. You sat there in shock.

What the fuck.

Your face suddenly felt hot, your throat tightened aggressively. You needed to get out of this house. You did care, too much. That’s why you felt your entire body go numb as tears clouded your vision. Why was he being so mean? Today has been the worst day ever. You swiftly get up from the couch and collect your things. You think you’ll make it with a successful Irish goodbye but of course with your luck, Josh catches you just before you slip out the front door.

‘Hey, where are you going” he asks.

“I can’t josh, I need to leave. I’m so sorry I just- I don’t know what came over him or how much he drank in the amount of time between our conversation and now but suddenly I’m the bad guy?? I don’t even know what I did wrong, apparently I don’t care enough? When you and I both know that’s far from the truth. I just wanna go home josh…please. I think I really fucked it this time and I need to process everything a little bit, okay? I really don’t mean to ruin your welcome home party, truly. I’m so glad to see you guys and maybe you and I could grab lunch this weekend to make up for me leaving so soon and bringing this drama.” You ramble, furiously wiping the tears streaming down your face. Josh doesn’t say anything, he just frowns and pulls you into a much needed hug.

“Alright mama, don’t worry about it.. you haven’t ruined anything. He probably had too much to drink. As far as I’m concerned I’m the only one who knows about this little fallout. Text me when you’re home, okay? Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” He questions.

“I’m okay, I was only kinda tipsy and that whole thing really sobered me up.” You let out a pathetic laugh at how humorous this all was. He rubs your arm before allowing you to make your way out.

You felt guilty for leaving so early, you didn’t mean to make it about you and you would’ve stuck it out but given Jake's newfound attitude towards you, you didn’t feel very welcomed anymore. Maybe you could’ve been more enthused but this was also heavy news for you. You start feeling regretful as you realized you had been a bit insensitive. You would have shown more joy for your best friend but how were you meant to give any more than that?? I mean she left for the bathroom in the middle of the greeting for fucks sake.

You sighed feeling at a loss. Granted, your feelings weren’t his responsibility but how exactly was he expecting you to react? You weren’t necessarily jumping with joy at the idea. But then again, he had no idea about your feelings. In his eyes, his best friend wasn’t matching his energy on something he deemed important. You start wracking your brain on everything you could’ve done to avoid this, essentially kicking yourself while your already down.

You make it to your car, hoping to just go home, have a night of reflection in a warm bath. As you sit down your phone vibrates in your hand.

Message from: Sam Wam Bam🕺🏻

-some friend you are..

Sam?? What the fuck? Why is he saying that?

Message from: Jake ❤️

-don’t even bother reaching out anymore.

wow.

He must’ve said something to Sam. Now sam probably thinks you were being a shit friend and ditched him and his brother at their own welcome back party after sharing the news with everyone.

You dropped your head to rest on your steering wheel as you realized you seemed inconsiderate to the people who didn’t know about your repressed feelings for the man. You felt like you ruined everything. You knew better than to get your hopes up, why did you think today would be any different and he would spontaneously have feelings for you? Foolish.

You let out a sob at their messages knowing this whole situation has been misunderstood. Because of it, everything was crumbling down around you.

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So…thoughts? How we feelin’?

[ashlynredonovitch]

Hello! I love your work! Wondering if I could request a Wonka fic where y/n is having a panic attack and willy finds her and helps her through it! then noodle comes in and they all have a lil family moment ^_^ (willy and y/n are platonic!)

Hi anon! thank you so much for the request! Sorry they have now taken a while longer to get out. My whole family was hit with the flu, including me, and I'm not able to write much because I just keep getting headaches. Hope you like the story!

Warnings: panic attack, anxiety, slight mention of a possible ED if you squint, malnourishment

Hope you enjoy!! :)

Panic

I just finished folding more of the laundry after it finally dried, thankfully finished after the long day of doing laundry with the wash crew. We had taken so long that Scrubitt and Bleacher hadn’t let us eat for an extra hour and a half, and since we still hadn’t gotten it done, I took the rest of the load so the others could go eat. Noodle would bring me my dinner later anyway if I didn’t eat. 

It was my fault anyway, I just was going slow today. I was on barrel duty for the majority of the day, and if the first step of the laundry is slow….the rest of it is slow as well. So I automatically felt bad that I was the reason for withholding everyone’s dinner. 

Scrubitt hadn’t let me eat though, so I would just have to wait for Noodle to bring me my food in a couple hours when she could sneak it in. I was craving something though. It gets worse if I’m thrown in the coop because then you don’t get anything at all. At least I’ll have a chance tonight. If only Willy was here. Him and Noodle are getting more milk for his chocolates while they had a chance to escape before roll call. 

I knew the panic was building up, but it just felt like I could ignore it. The feeling in my stomach from how hungry I was felt like a gnawing pain, I couldn’t even focus as I just collapsed in the corner of my small room. My mind a a million thoughts, but I probably couldn’t even try to name one, all of my focus was on the half-tempting smell of the food my fellow workers were consuming. 

I hate crying, I hate it. The feeling in my chest as it gets tighter and tighter to the point I can’t breathe, I hate the feeling of uncontrollable tears that can’t stop. For some reason though, I can’t, there are no tears. Just painful attempts at a breath. 

“She’s in there. I didn’t want to disturb her, but I’m worried,” I hear Piper say as I heard two sets of footsteps down the narrow hallway, oh, it couldn’t be. I’d be too lucky. 

A light knock was on my door, but I couldn’t even begin to try to lift my head up. 

“Y/n?” The voice questioned through my door, before gently opening it. It was apparently my lucky day. “Hey what’s going on?”

“I- I can’t-” I started before my own breathing stopped me. It felt like I was being choked. 

Willy looked concerned as he examined every inch of my face, or what I could tell from where my head was on my knees. “It’s okay, you’ll be okay. Noodle, go grab a towel!” He hollered as I could see that he tried to reach out to put his hand on my shoulder. 

Apparently once he felt my trembling shoulders he decided I wasn’t well, even without me answering. As Noodle ran in with a towel, Willy instructed her to put water on it. “You’re trembling terribly, here take this.” He offered me his plum-colored tailcoat as he put it over my shoulders, as I stayed curled up in the ball. 

“Thank you,” I managed to whisper out as he tried to loop his arms under me to help me stand. 

“Of course, you know I’d do anything to help you, y/n.” He says earnestly as he guides me over to my small bed. “Here, get under the covers.”

He instructed Noodle to do something else gets that I couldn’t hear. Which I soon would understand as Noodle rushed in with the extra blanket from Willy’s own bed, as he laid it across me. It finally felt like my chest wasn’t being weighted down with a boulder, the comfort of my friend greatly easing my mind. However….

“Y/n, have you eaten anything today?” Noodle hurriedly asked when she stopped. That’s when Willy looked frantically over at me as well, as he sat on my bed. 

“No, I made everyone fall behind earlier, so Scrubitt wouldn’t let me eat.” I say as the tears started to slow, hopefully the last of the bunch as Willy slowly massaged my scalp with his hand. 

“I’m gonna go fix that, I’ll be right back.” She said as she skidded across the floor. 

Not before I let out a quiet “don’t get thrown in the chicken coop” causing the man behind me to let out a quiet laugh. 

“I was really scared when Piper said you isolated yourself in here.” Willy told me, as I tried to look up at him from where I was laying. 

“Sorry,” I told him nonchalantly, I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. 

“Don’t you dare apologize, you were having a panic attack, I just got worried. How about after you get some actual food in you, I’ll make your favorite chocolate to cheer you up?” He asked as he continued to rub my head. 

I smiled as I felt the other muscles in my body relaxed, “that sounds really nice.”

“You’re safe now, y/n, Noodle is going to get you dinner, and then we’ll find some funny combination for tonight’s chocolate.” He smiled at me as I listened to him talk, nodding my head at his eagerness. Never had someone been able to help me through an attack that quickly. Even though it had felt like hours, Willy just had a certain charm about him that made it easy to relax. At least now I know someone is there to help me should the need arise again.

[frvnkcastles]

KEEP OUR LOVE ALIVE ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: When you’re feeling insecure, Frank is there to remind you he still really, really likes you.

Warnings: Physical insecurities, hurt/comfort, fluff :)

Word count: 1.1k

Author’s note: Somehow I managed to write!! This wasn’t a request but more so just based on how I’ve been feeling this week. I didn’t specify what kind of insecurities the reader has, but I personally am a ✨ thick girl ✨ to say the least and sometimes it really gets me down. But I think Frank would simply not care :)

You were already in bed when Frank finally came home, one bare leg slung over your covers to ward off the summer heat that had your — originally his — t-shirt sticking to the back of your neck. You propped yourself up on one elbow at the sound of him fighting off his boots and groaning as his feet hit the floor, and a frown creased your forehead as you watched him through the open door of the bedroom.

”It’s nothin’”, he insisted even before you could say a thing, ”just been runnin’ all day. Guess I’m gettin’ old, huh?” The joke got a snort from you, and in return, Frank flashed a grin while limping his way to the bedroom. You let your head fall back down on the pillow but you still kept watching him as he yanked his dirty shirt off his back and began undoing the belt of his jeans. It was always a sight to behold, and guaranteed to give you the sweet dreams he wished for you every night.

”You still look pretty good to me”, you noted, and now, it was Frank’s turn to chuckle. He gave you a look over his shoulder while grabbing the dirty clothes and making a move for the bathroom.

”Feelin’s mutual, sweetheart.” With that he strode off to the bathroom to wash up, leaving you alone with his comment swirling around in your head until the words began to warp into something untrue.

See, it wasn’t just the heatwave that had you staying up, nor the inability to sleep without Frank by your side. It had been a bad, and I mean, bad day to be in your body. Insecurities got the best of everyone sometimes, but it seemed that as of late they brought you down more than usual. You hated what you saw in your reflection and you hated putting on any clothes that weren’t comfortable and baggy enough to hide what was underneath.

That was what had started it today, anyway. You had agreed to meet a friend for a drink and it had seemed like such a good idea until you tried putting on your favorite dress, and as if struck by lightning, you couldn’t stand the way you looked. Nothing seemed to flatter you — everything just made you dislike your body more and it had spiraled to the point where you had just cancelled and cried about it at home.

Now the tears had dried, but you felt them making their return. When Frank stepped back into the room, you hastily wiped your eyes, something he didn’t notice while running his hands across his face. You gave him a weak smile when he climbed into bed, and drawn in by the scent of him, not blood or grime, just him… you leaned in to give him a kiss.

He returned the gesture gladly, pressing up against you with his hand caressing your exposed thigh. You pulled away from the kiss, but Frank, not realizing you were becoming upset, leaned down to kiss your neck, instead. It made you close your eyes in pleasure, but when his hand began roaming your body more, you inched away from him in what was obvious, blatant rejection.

A frown appeared on his face. ”Hey, somethin’ wrong? ’M sorry, I shoulda asked how your day was or somethin’—”, he started, but you cut him off with a hand on his arm.

”Don’t be sorry”, you reassured him, but when that was all you said, he stared you down insistently. Even without any additional words, he was able to wear you down. ”It’s just been kind of a bad day for my insecurities”, you admitted with a shrug, looking away from him as if embarrassed, and Frank reacted with a soft tut while reaching for your jaw.

”Hey, hey, hey, look at me, baby. There’s nothin’ wrong with that. It’s aight to feel that way”, he promised before licking his lips. ”I mean, I ain’t gonna agree with you. I think you’re a fuckin’ stunner, no matter what. But you’re allowed to have those feelings”, Frank went on, a serious look on his face as he tried to get to you.

You pursed your lips sadly and shrugged again. ”I guess.” You didn’t really know what else to say. You knew he’d never judge you, but it felt hard to believe he understood. One look at the guy would tell any person that he was gorgeous, breath-taking even. That only made you feel worse. How were you supposed to be worthy of him?

”Whatcha thinkin’ about, huh? C’mon, talk to me, baby”, he pleaded, and huffing, you caved in.

”I think you’re so beautiful and I don’t know why you’d settle for me”, you murmured, almost embarrassed to say it out loud, but you meant every word.

Frank, on the other hand, was blown away. ”You serious?” he asked gravely, disbelief obvious on his face when you looked up at me. ”Have ya seen this ugly mug? Sweetheart, if anythin’, you’re the one settlin’. You’re goddamn beautiful. I’m just some… hell, I don’t even know. I’m still wonderin’ why you bother with me.”

Narrowing your eyes at him, you gently shoved his arm. ”Don’t talk about yourself like that”, you pointed out, and lifting an eyebrow, Frank was ready to defend himself.

”Oh, but you’re allowed to?” he hummed, and blushing, you looked down at your hands.

”Point taken.”

A bout of silence ensued with you fiddling with your fingers and Frank just admiring you from his side of the bed, his hands kept to himself but his eyes full of love and concern. Eventually, he spoke up again.

”Tell me what ya feel insecure about. What specifically. Okay? I wanna understand”, he suggested, and with a slow nod, you began listing the things that made you most uncomfortable. You got specific, as he had asked, and it didn’t take long for tears to brim in your eyes but Frank didn’t hesitate to wipe them away with a gentle thumb.

”Alright, sweetheart. You did good”, the man praised you when you quieted down. ”If it’s okay with you, I’mma show you extra love on those parts for however many days it takes for you to feel at least a lil’ bit better about ’em, aight? It ain’t gonna be a magical cure, but I’m sure as hell gonna do my part”, Frank proposed, and lighting up with a sincere smile, you turned to him.

”I would really appreciate that”, you admitted, and grinning, Frank leaned in to kiss your temple.

”Then how ’bout we start right now?”

[elliebyrrdwrites]

Dramione Drabble 31

DISCLAIMER: It’s come to my attention that Ron Bashing is very upsetting to some readers. So , please do note that this post uses the Ron Weasley tag because he is a significant character in this particular story, also this is his POV . HOWEVER, please mind that this also includes a Ron bashing tag. If you are offended by Ron bashing, don’t bother.

I had to write this one, the inspiration hit and I’ll be in LA all day tomorrow visiting my sister. So here we go! Also, I’m adding to the next chapter on ao3, so it will be a minute before I post it.

Ron had mixed feelings about working the night shift on the beat. Before they were ordered to have a partner with them at all times, he’d been able to pop into Hermione’s or even Parvati’s while on patrol. Some nights, he was able to visit both witches.

He wasn’t proud of what he had done to Hermione. Parvati had been aware, from the beginning, that he had no intention of leaving Hermione. She was his til the end. And he was hers.

The thing with Parvati wasn’t serious and she had been okay with that. It was just a way to get that little bit extra he wasn’t getting with Hermione. He had assumed that she was content, if not happy, with their love life. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her that he needed more.

But, what if she had been severely disappointed. Maybe that was why she never complimented him, never praised him, never rolled off of him in a state of pure bliss.

With Hermione, it was always straight to work. She’d have to make tea, or clean her kitchen, or catch up on paperwork.

What if she wasn’t satisfied and that was why she kept busy after? What if she was seeking that little extra bit that Ron couldn’t give her from someone else.

What if that someone was Malfoy? He seemed to sordid type to get off on hitting his women or choking them. Hermione was not that kind of girl. She never asked Ron for anything naughty.

But Ron watched her, wondering. She avoided eye contact with him whenever they passed by one another. Ron would fantasize about grabbing her hand, pulling her into an office. Anyone’s office, it didn’t matter. Whichever one was nearby. And he’d go down on her and make her cry and shout out his name. She’d thank him for being so good to her, for making her cum so hard. Ask him to take her back. You know, shit like that. Something fantastical. Something erotic.

Ron would stop at the end of the hall and watch her.

With Malfoy, she’d look right into his creepy pale eyes and smile. She’d look at his bruised face, the dried blood on his lip that never seemed to go away and her eyes would fucking light up.

Hermione would look right into his face and see something in or past all of those sneers and scowls. She was blind to the monster lurking within.

Even worse now, she resembles him. The scowls and the sneers have migrated and taken residence on her beautiful round features, her eyes just as cold and pale as Malfoys.

She was scary, now. Other Aurora avoided her gestate, shivered when they thought she wasn’t looking. Whispered about her behind her back.

And now her and Harry were both looking at Ron like he was the monster. Ron was only human, and humans were animals. Fucking was just a natural need. It delivered the endorphins that were desperately needed after the war, after losing his brother.

Everyone did it. Every being did it. The birds and the bees and all that shit. It’s just that when Ron got off, he needed to be told what a good, sweet boy he was. That he was a hero., a savior. Someone worthy.

But sometimes, once upon a time, Hermione would look at him like he was. He missed it. Fuck, he missed her. It’s a terrible thing. That, even though Ron had fucked up and he still had Parvati, he didn’t want to give up Hermione. He loved her body as much as any others, probably more. No man enjoyed accepting the idea that he would no longer have it to himself. Maybe never again.

And Ron certainly didn’t accept the fact that Malfoy might be the new proud owner of that particular one.

“Hey, Weasley.”

Oh, right. The other reason he hated these shifts. Not only could he not drop by Hermione’s, he was permanently stuck with Anthony Goldstein. He wasn’t a terrible bloke. But he was shifty, a bit off. His movements were jerky, timid. He looked like somebody who didn’t belong on the force. He looked like someone who was thrown into it, forced to become an Auror and had never accepted that fact.

Ron pinched his lips together, and pulled his eyes from the corner building where Hermione lived. Her windows were dark. She probably wasn’t home.

He nodded to Goldstein in acknowledgment.

“Isn’t this the apothecary where Hermione and Malfoy got into that altercation?”

Goldstein was staring into window of the shop. The lights were dim, as if to still keep the potions advertised on display in the front window. Or perhaps the witch who ran the place was still inside, cleaning up.

Ron stepped up beside him. The wizard flinched and Ron couldn’t help the roll of his eyes. “Yeah,” He sighed. “That’s the one.”

Goldstein looked up at and stared. Ron could feel his eyes assessing him. “You and Malfoy don’t get along, do you?”

Ron dug his hands into his pockets, thumbing the wand nestled inside and laughed. One short, derisive bark. “What makes you think that, Goldstein?” He frowned and shook his head, a little ashamed at the acidic tone of his voice. “Look, let’s just say that the day where every day of my life stops revolving around Malfoy, will be the best day of my life.”

Anthony was still staring at him. Ron was staring at the window, at the dim light of the back room, a shadow moving. Through his peripheral, Goldstein was nodding slowly. He might have been grinning, but that wouldn’t make any sense. Goldstein hated conflict, he was a bit of a coward

But then Goldstein moved for the door. “We should go in.”

Ron shook his head. “Nah, she’s closing up. Besides it wasn’t our crime scene.”

“I heard she hadsa love potion. It might help mend whatever went sour between you and Hermione.”

“No thanks, mate.” Ron chuckled nervously. “I’ve had one too many experiences with love potions.”

“But, this isn’t like Amortentia. This one helps to…alter the way you think.” Goldstein voice was less flinchy and more persuasive than he had ever heard him. It was unsettling.

“That’s Barmy.”

“The witch who brews it says it allows you to connect with your lover on some kind of mental or spiritual level.”

“I’m not slipping ‘Mione anything, Goldstein.”

“You wouldn’t have to.” He opened the door and said, as he stepped inside. “You take the potion. All you need is a strand of her hair to add to it.”

And then Goldstein was disappearing into the shop and into the dark shadows of the potion filled shelves. “What the — Goldstein!” Had the wizard lost his mind?

Stepping into the Apothecary sent a shudder down Ron’s spine. The hairs on his arms stood. Something was definitely off about this. But the witch didn’t seem to notice or care about the jingle of the bell on her door, and Goldstein was lost somewhere in the vast array of potions. Some of them glittered, some were glowing in the dark. Some were as dark as the sky outside.

None of them seemed ordinary. Most of them, Ron didn’t recognize.

But he crept along the shelving, the habit of staying quiet and undetected hard to break. He passed shelves labeled things like Elixirs for Life. Others with the words, Poisons to live by. But when Ron reached the shelf that was labeled, Love, Sex and other maladies, he knew he was in the middle of something shady.

Of course, none of that helped him to prepare for the figure that leapt out in front of him, or for the wand that was pointed directly at his temple before the voice whispered the incantation that would turn his brain into dough, softening into something that could be kneaded and molded into surrendering. Ron’s entire body locked up, his mind went quiet.

Nothing was the same. Nothing was known. His name, his desires, his job.

No, for Ron, everything had changed the second that voice had uttered the word to end it all, “Imperio.”

[dreams-and-drabbles]

hi can u do cyno with hate/jealous smut? ( like theyre rivals and cyno sees some guy flirting with reader so he puts her in her place…idk 😭

-xoxo, 🥟

[🥟] Welcome back, anon!! I’d be more than happy to write this for you!!! The jealous trope is always a fun one, hehe! Sorry for the late answer, and I hope you have a lovely week!!

((Minors DO NOT INTERACT!!! ))

Cyno wasn’t particularly interested in many things. He did enjoy Genius Invokation TCG, and perhaps the occasional blend of yogurt, rice, meat, and dried nuts, all roasted up into something delectable…

In fact, the thought of food was what had brought Cyno to his current location in the first place. He’d been hungry and had planned to eat—

What he hadn’t planned on, was the sight of [F/N] —

She was as annoyingly bright as always, and it seemed as though she’d brought company—

Now, Cyno had no problem with bright people. [F/N], however—

Well, she was the type to use that brightness to deflect. That was what irritated Cyno when it came to her...

Throughout all the time he had spent with her in past, [F/N] had never once been honest with him. She’d never once voiced her opinion, instead opting to follow the lead of whatever he chose to do— She’d always said ‘you choose’ whenever he asked her for her input, and that—

That had annoyed him to no end…

More so, the way she seemed to draw others in.

She was bright, so of course there would be those that flocked towards her—

“What would you prefer, [F/N]~? “

.

.

.

“I think I’d like some curry—“

.

.

Cyno’s eyes narrowed, and he exhaled sharply.

Was it just a him thing, then?

She was perfectly capable of making her own decisions with others, so why wasn’t she in his company?

‘I’m not intimidated by you.’

She’d said that, before her first assignment with the Matra. He’d had high hopes, then—

[F/N] proved to be incredibly skilled, and for a time—

Cyno was sure she’d come close to his position, but she’d suddenly stopped training as hard as she’d been.

She fell behind, and Cyno…?

He’d earned his title.

Still, the interaction between the two was grating on him in a way he hadn’t expected..

Against all logical reason, he wanted it to stop.

Really, all he needed to do was show himself…

That was generally all it took for someone to back off.

…General-ly…

He’d have to keep that one in mind.

Cyno’s eyes narrowed on the two, before finally he made his decision.

“[F/N],” he greeted, his gaze taking in her surprised expression.

The man beside her stiffened, awkwardly smiling at her, before scurrying off.

Cyno withheld the urge to smile as the man left—

What was wrong with him today?

[F/N] always had a knack for getting under his skin…

[F/N] huffed, her gaze trailing to the man’s retreating figure.

“No fun. He was actually kind of cute, you know?” She muttered, her gaze petulant.

Cyno scowled, “Is that so? By what definition ?”

[F/N] blinked up at him, her lips parted in shock.

“Huh..?” She muttered, her response unintelligible.

Cyno stepped a bit closer, leaning slightly over the table.

“For example, if he’s cute— How would you classify me?” He asked, his tone holding a slight edge.

[F/N]’s eyes widened, and to his surprise her cheeks flared with color.

“You…? You’re asking me? Gosh…You’re…you’re untouchable. Most everyone thinks you’re attractive, but no one can touch you. It’s like you live in a different world.”

Cyno’s eyes narrowed at [F/N]’s response and he extended his hand.

[F/N]’s eyes widened, and she grabbed his palm, studying it with her hands.

Cyno withheld the urge to chuckle at her response.

“Your theory was wrong. Well, partially. I only let a particular few touch me…”

[F/N] withdrew her hand, her cheeks tinged pink. “Oh…? I’m one of those few? Then does tha mean you…want to…?”

Cyno’s lips quirked upwards, “I want to teach you a lesson. You’re horrible at communication.”

[F/N] scowled, her cheeks tinged pink.

“That’s rude..! You’re the one who’s horrible at communicating… Plus, we’re in public!!”

Cyno raised a brow, “You’re the one shouting and insinuating things…”

[F/N] scowled, averting her gaze.

Cyno offered her a small nod, heading back towards the front of the line to order. He paused, briefly, glancing back at her with a small smile.

“If you are interested in that lesson, however… I’ll be staying at the base this evening.”

With that, Cyno ordered his food and returned to the base. He finished his meal, before looking over the newest list of marks. He’d finally gotten an idea of the next potential site when a knock resounded on his door.

His brow twitched and he swung the door open with a sigh.

[F/N] stood at the door, her cheeks tinged pink. Cyno examined her face closely, noticing the slight sheen to her lips.

She’d fixed herself up…

That was actually rather cute.

“So…That lesson…?” She mumbled, her gaze downcast.

That wouldn’t do…

Cyno cupped her cheek in his palm, bringing her face closer to his.

“Lesson one… Make eye contact when you’re speaking to others.”

Cyno spoke, noticing with satisfaction the way her cheeks flared at their proximity.

“That’s-! You’re-!”

She exclaimed, and Cyno smirked, before pressing his lips against her’s. He pulled her inside the room, breaking the kiss and closing the door. He glanced at her, a small smile on his face.

“Lesson two… Don’t interrupt a conversation, especially if you’re speaking to a superior…”

[F/N]’s cheeks burned and she looked down.

Cyno closed the distance between them, his eyes narrowed. “What was lesson one again?”

[F/N]’s gaze trailed to his, and crimson hues met [e/c].

“Eye contact…” She mumbled, her lips pursed into a small pout.

Cyno nodded, a smirk slipping onto his face.

“Good. Now, for lesson three… Honesty is a virtue. Will you trust me?”

[F/N]’s cheeks burned, “Yes. I’ll trust you, Cyno.”

Cyno smiled, leaning over [F/N] and pressing his lips to her cheek. His breath fanned out against her cheek as he spoke.

“Lesson four… The ability to complete a task. Strip.”

[F/N]’s eyes widened and she chuckled a bit breathlessly, before pulling off her top and unfastening her bra. She slipped off her bottoms soon after, her gaze trailing to Cyno. She was about to ask him what he was going to do, when she processed the fact that he was already naked, a familiar container in his hand.

“How on Tevyat…?”

Cyno chuckled, “It’s a bit easier when you don’t typically wear a top.”

[F/N] nodded, biting her lip.

That was fair, she supposed.

“What’s lesson number five..?”

She asked, her tone soft.

Cyno’s eyes narrowed and he caught her wrist, pulling her close to him.

“Tone control…” He responded, his tone less harsh than it had been.

[F/N]’s eyes widened and she nodded, a bit of excitement coursing through her—

Cyno wrapped a hand around her waist, pulling her towards him, before coming down on her hard—

[F/N] let out a light whimper at the force of which Cyno was pressing up against her.

She knew he was strong, but this was—!!

“Ah… Shit…” She huffed, digging her nails into Cyno’s skin. The General Mahamatra jerked forwards, his thighs pressing against her—

Shit. She could barely manage to process.

They were toned—

“Do we need a lesson on language..?”

Cyno asked, his tone raspy as he pushed himself even closer, his hips thrusting lightly against her form.

[F/N] gasped, biting back the foul word that came to mine.

“No…Keep teaching me…this one…”

She huffed, her tone higher than before.

“Manners first. Say please.” Cyno rasped, his thrusts quickening.

[F/N] keened, her cheeks flaring with warmth.

“Please…” She muttered, her voice shaky.

Cyno pushed further, adjusting his position slightly, before slowing to a more rhythmic pace.

“Good girl.” He praised, his voice deep, before thrusting harshly against her form.

[F/N] gasped, her eyes widening as a flush of heat spread throughout her form—

Cyno continued to thrust against her, and she bit her lip trying to hold in a moan—

They were still at the base.

Holy shit. They were still at the base—

“C-Cyno what if someone hears…?”

[F/N] huffed out, and the thrusts paused momentarily.

“There is a reason I said tone control…”

[e-dubbc11]

Two Heartbeats

Photos are not mine. They are courtesy of Pinterest/Google.

Pairing: Matt Murdock x F! Reader

Warnings: Angst, tears, and fluff

Word Count: 1.7K-ish

Summary: Even though you’re not his to protect anymore, Matt still checks up on you every night. And after several weeks of nightly visits without your knowledge, he hears something that scares him and leaves him frozen in place. He needs to talk to you.

A/N: Now I haven’t written for Matt in a LONG time, I really hope it’s alright. I miss writing for him, inspiration just hasn’t hit me in awhile. Anyway, I don’t know what the deal is with not being able to answer certain asks from my inbox but this one was sent to me by my love @ittybxttykxttytxtty I hope you like it!

As always, thank you for reading!  I appreciate it so much and comments, reblogs are welcome and encouraged. Don’t be shy to tell me your favorite part. 💕💕 💕

Shadows danced across the pavement as the nocturnal symphony of Hell’s Kitchen started to play. The ethereal glow from the moon passed through the gray clouds turning them white and then back to gray again.

Matt Murdock couldn’t see the shadows or the moon although he felt them both. The pull of the moon when it was full caused all the crazies to come out. The night whispered to him, telling him all of her secrets, telling him everyone’s secrets.

The dark shadows were caused by pedestrians as they walked by. As he stood perched on a rooftop above his world, he could hear when they stepped on a bottlecap, or swore under their breath because they stepped in freshly discarded gum.

A slight smirk tugged across his mouth when they did that, it amused him. With a subtle tilt of the head, he licked his lips, the cool nighttime air dried them out as he honed in on those sounds. Calls of distress were coming from all directions now.

But you were safe and that’s all that mattered. He always checked on you to make sure you were alright even if you weren’t his to protect anymore.

The black hood protected his identity as he protected his city. By day, he tried to protect Hell’s Kitchen the right way, the legal way. But at night, the Devil came out and the law went out the window.

The childhood accident that took Matt’s sight from him, heightened the rest of his senses which he used to his advantage. He used them to stop those cries for help he would hear in the middle of the night. The residents of Hell’s Kitchen deserved to feel safe in their homes and you were the resident that meant the most to him.

Outside your window, he would whisper to you. “I’m always here, sweetheart.” He loved you but never wanted you to know he was there. Matt knew you would be furious if you found out he was outside, listening to you because he had put you through enough; the secrets and the lies were what you couldn’t handle. It wasn’t the cuts, bruises or stitches. All you had wanted was the truth and he couldn’t give it to you so you left.

Matt could sense something was off, your hormone level maybe? He wasn’t quite sure. It would explain why you were absolutely furious and acting a little irrational.

And after 6 weeks of nightly visits, he heard something coming from your apartment that stopped him dead in his tracks. His own heart rate increased and his rapid inhales and exhales of his breathing almost became uncontrollable.

The Devil heard TWO heartbeats…and they were both coming from you.

Clinging to the fire escape, he listened for a minute. The second heartbeat was much faster than yours, Matt sensed it was a part of him and he couldn’t move, he was frozen in place.

Screams and calls for help tore Matt away from your window but he would be back and next time, he wouldn’t just be standing outside. He desperately needed to talk to you.

**********

After a long day at work and the doctor, you were finally able to take your shoes off and relax. Normally after a long day like today, you’d relax with a little tv and a glass of wine but you wouldn’t be having any wine for another several months, at least.

And even if you did, you probably wouldn’t be able to keep that down either. There wasn’t a lot you were able to keep down lately aside from clementines and bagels but you were thankful that New York bagels were large so they kept you full for a long time.

Frequent trips to the ladies room at work was getting old. You were hoping that your morning sickness wouldn’t last too much longer but all pregnancies were different. Who knows how long this part would last?

Your thoughts drifted to Matt.

You wished you knew what it was he was keeping from you. How many chances did you give him to come clean and explain himself yet he still didn’t tell you the truth?

You missed him though.

And you were going to have to tell him about the baby sooner or later because it was the right thing to do.

Matt was going to be a father, you just had to gather the courage to tell him.

**********

Every time Matt felt brave enough to talk to you, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He still checked on you nightly, listened to your and the baby’s heartbeat for a little while before fleeing to fight the evil of Hell’s Kitchen.

He had arguments with himself constantly about what he wanted to say to you. His days had been long and his nights even longer but he made his decision that he would make time to talk to you…tonight.

Enough time had passed to where you found out you were having a girl. Going to your doctor’s appointments by yourself was scary and lonely. You watched as other expectant mothers brought their significant others with them to their appointments and wished Matt was with you.

You were going to tell him…soon.

**********

Something startled you awake but you didn’t know what it was. It was just a feeling you had, that someone was inside your apartment. The metal baseball bat you kept under your bed was always at arm’s length and as you reached for it, you heard a low gravelly voice coming from the chair on the other side of the room.

“Don’t swing for the fences, sweetheart. It’s just me.” Said Matt.

Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you saw an outline of a silhouette sitting in your chair before flicking the lamp on.

He had a black hood over his head, covering half of his face. The rest of his clothes were black from head to toe and suddenly you recognized the figure. You had seen his picture in the paper and now that you thought about it, remembering certain photos, you recognized that ass anywhere.

“Matty?! What the fu—? Y-you’re the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen?!!” You asked, shocked to your core.

Suddenly the cuts, stitches and bruises…they all made sense. All of the late nights, unanswered phone calls, and why he was so secretive. It all came together, he was sitting in your apartment, confessing to what he was doing, why he was doing it, and why he felt like he had to hide the truth from you.

“I am so so sorry, Angel.” He said.

You sat there in the gathering darkness, stunned and speechless at the trace of desperation in his voice as he talked to you. He confessed his secrets to you just as Hell’s Kitchen confesses its secrets to him…every night.

With no warning, you just blurted out your secret.

“I’m pregnant.” You said, softly.

Matt replied, “I know, sweetheart.”

He went on to explain that the accident had left his other senses heightened.

“…So I can hear your heart beating right now. And I can hear the baby’s.” He said.

With tears swimming in your eyes, you were finally able to find your voice.

“Do you understand why I left, Matthew?” You asked him.

Matt had taken off his hood and moved from the chair to the edge of your bed. You could see his soft brown eyes now in the low light of the bedroom.

“I do but I don’t understand why you couldn’t trust me enough to know it was because I wanted to keep you safe. I don’t want you involved in that part of my life.” He said.

You raised your voice a little. “You can’t separate something like that, Matt! I don’t want to be involved with just PART of your life. Just like I don’t think you want to be involved with just PART of mine! Ya know so far I’ve gone to ALL of my doctor’s appointments alone? I hate going by myself!”

He replied, “But I wanted to do that with you! You could have asked me!”

Matt was slightly agitated. You could tell by the way he pressed his lips into a straight line and how his breathing became more rapid. He stood up and placed his hands firmly on his hips.

“Oh you did?! How? Would you have penciled me in between court and fighting crime?” You yelled sarcastically.

He reached for your hand.

“I don’t wanna fight with you, y/n. I really am sorry.” Said Matt.

To a point, you could understand why he kept all of that from you. Keeping you safe was very important to Matt and now he had an even bigger reason to keep you safe, to keep the both of you safe. The tension in your shoulders eased a little; you knew stress couldn’t be good for the baby.

Matt could feel your body relax as you squeezed his hand.

“Please don’t keep things from me, Matty, ok? I’m gonna need your help when she gets here.” You said with a warm smile.

The corners of Matt’s mouth turned up into a sly smile.

“She?” He asked in barely more than a whisper. “We’re having a girl?”

Matt sat down on the bed once again, closer to you this time, and removed his black gloves. His eyes looked more hazel than brown at the moment as he put his hand out, wanting to touch your stomach.

“Is it ok?” He asked.

You took his hand in yours and placed it on your stomach. “Of course it is. I feel little flutters now and then…like that! Did you feel that?” You asked.

Matt smiled, let out a slight chuckle and nodded.

The gap between your bodies became smaller as you inched closer to him where you could feel his breath on your lashes and close enough to inhale his scent.

Matt brushed his knuckles along your cheek as his lips searched for yours; he kissed you tenderly and slowly like he was scared he was going to break you.

“I’m not gonna pop, Matthew. You don’t have to be THAT gentle.” You said as you kissed him again.

“I’ll remember that, sweetheart.” Said Matt with a devilish smile. “Have you thought of any names for her yet?”

You gently rubbed your belly.

“Maybe.” You replied.

A ghost of a smile stretched across his lips

“Can you tell me what they are?” He asked.

You bit down on your lower lip before replying.

“Maybe.”

Tag List: @munsonownsmyass @elgrandeavocados @freshabogados @gijos @chezagnes @matt-erialgirl

Others that might enjoy: @itwasthereaminuteago @fluffyprettykitty @pedrito-friskito @mattmurdocksscars @theradioactivespidergwen

Thank you for reading, I appreciate it! I’ve only tagged a handful of people. If you liked it, you can tell me, I don’t bite. I know I haven’t written for Matt in awhile, no pressure.

[vintageshanny]

Waiting for Love - Part Ten

Is This It?

Content: April 1971-August 1972, smut, fluff, and angst (as promised).

Thank you to everyone who’s still reading this. 😘 This is more angst than I usually write, and I’d love to hear any thoughts or feedback! ❤️

Catch up here: Waiting for Love series

April 1971

“So how long can I stay?” Vivien whispered as she played with the tendrils of chest hair escaping Elvis’ pajama top. She was delighted to find a few stray silver ones mixed in. It was like finding four-leaf clovers in a patch of shamrocks.

“Actually baby, I told ‘Cilla I’d fly out ta LA tonight so I can spend Easter with her, I-I-I mean with Lisa,” he corrected quickly.

“So is this it?” Vivien asked softly. “Is this how it will be forever? Just a day together here and there?”

Elvis sighed a little bit, trying not to let his exasperation show. “Baby, I’ve told ya, it ain’t gonna be like this much longer. I jus’ need ta get the timin’ right. Ever’thing’s more complicated when you’re in the public eye.”

“I know, I’m sorry I need you to keep reminding me.” Vivien laid her head on his chest, feeling the soft thud of his heartbeat echo through her eardrum, sending its sweet rhythm into her own body.

“Ya ain’t gotta be sorry, baby. I know it’s hard. Us havin’ ta be apart just means our love knows its own depths, remember?”

Vivien nodded at the familiar words and breathed in deeply, trying to inhale every molecule of his being so she could take him home with her.

*************************************************

January 1, 1972

Vivien was startled out of her sleep by a pounding at the door. What in the world? She glanced in the mirror as she headed toward the door. Her face was still streaked with dried tears, and vague memories of crying herself to sleep the night before came flooding back. Another year of being a kept woman, only seeing her love while his wife was away or for a few nights at a time during his Vegas residencies. Last year at this time, she’d felt so hopeful that things would change soon. Now it felt like she was trapped in this cycle of elation and torment forever.

“I’m coming!” she called out as the pounding grew more adamant. She knew it must be Roxanne, Elvis, or a drunken neighbor pounding on the wrong door. She flung open the door to find Elvis standing there, his own face a mixture of emotions. It almost looked like he’d been crying too, but he wasted no time in closing the door behind him, pinning her up against it, and sticking his tongue in her mouth, his hands wandering over her body through her thin cotton nightgown.

“Woah, Elvis, what’s going on?” Vivien gasped when he finally came up for air.

“It’s time, baby. You’ve been so patient, and it’s time,” he whispered into her ear, still holding her body tightly. “Priscilla said she wants a divorce. I knew she was almost there, and I needed it to be her idea so I’m not the bad guy.”

Vivien’s mouth hung open in shock at this news. “Oh, Elvis! Are, are you okay?” she asked as she tried to keep her excitement at bay, her first thought always for him.

“All I wanna do is be with you, Vivien. I’ve never loved or been loved like this before.” He locked the deadbolt and walked her back toward the bedroom, never once letting go of his grasp on her.

“We can really be together now? Me and you?” Vivien could feel the reality setting in as he pulled her nightgown over her head and laid her gently on the bed.

“Me and you, baby. Forever.”

Vivien propped her pillows up against the headboard and leaned back so she could get a full view of Elvis as he stripped off his clothes. Usually he was somewhat shy about undressing, but tonight he seemed so eager. She could see that he wasn’t fully erect yet, so she reached out to touch him as he climbed up on the bed and straddled her legs with his own muscular thighs.

“Oh God, Vivien,” Elvis moaned as she pumped her hand, his foreskin rolling gently with the movement. “I jus’ wanna make love to ya so badly, baby. Ya still been takin’ those pills, right?”

“Of course,” Vivien whispered as Elvis spread her legs open and lined himself up to enter her.

“Baby, I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout this moment for so long. Ya officially belong ta me now, okay?” Elvis thrust gently up inside of her, her tight little hole inviting him in, coating him with arousal, stretching around him.

“Elvis, I’ve always belonged to you,” Vivien responded breathily, trying to savor every moment of this feeling. The way he filled her so completely, her body and soul craved his presence inside of her. “I need you,” she moaned.

“I-I-I need ya too baby,” Elvis stuttered out as he began to pulse inside of her, thrusting harder. As he made sure she was taken care of, a single tear rolled down his cheek and plopped onto Vivien’s shoulder. She smiled up at him lovingly and brushed the wetness from his cheek with her fingers.

“I love you so much.” She wished she could stay wrapped in the warmth of this lovemaking forever, all the conflicted emotions of a dying relationship left safely on the other side of the door.

*************************************************

August 1972

“So you’re really going on another tour without me?” Vivien tried to hide the hurt and pain in her voice.

“C’mon now honey, ya know I like ta have ya waitin’ for me when I get home. It gives me somethin’ ta look forward to.” Elvis grabbed her hand and stroked it softly in an attempt to reassure her. “Plus it’s not really a tour, it’s jus’ another boring residency in Vegas.”

Vivien bit down on her tongue, trying to will the tears away that she could feel springing to her eyes. “And who do you have waiting for you out on the road?” The acidity in her voice surprised even her, and she could see immediately from the stony look in Elvis’ eyes that she had crossed the line with this bold accusation.

“Hmm.” Elvis made a strained grunting noise in his throat as he dropped her hand and rose to leave the room.

“Elvis, wait, I-” Vivien tried to apologize but faltered when she could find no sincere words to say she was sorry for asking what felt like a perfectly valid question at this point.

“I ain’t got time for this mess right now, Vivien.” His jaw clenched as he looked back at her, trying the best he could to control his temper. “We can talk about it when I get back home.”

As he walked out the door, Vivien felt the hot tears start to slide down her cheeks.

*************************************************

“Rox?” Vivien’s voice came out as a pathetic little whimper.

“Vivien? What’s wrong, honey? What happened?” Roxanne breathed anxiously into the pale yellow phone receiver.

“I just, I don’t think I can do this anymore. With him. It shouldn’t be this hard, right?”

“Oh, Viv, I’m so sorry. Relationships can be hard, though, and it’s not like yours has been smooth sailing from the beginning.”

“I know,” Vivien sniffled as the tears kept flowing down her cheeks. “But it was supposed to be easier once he left her. I thought I made it through the hard part. He was supposed to be mine now. But he never really will be all mine, will he?”

“Well, I think you fell in love with someone who sort of belongs to the world, y’know? But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and need you and want you, Viv.” Roxanne kept her tone soothing, even as she tried to wrap her mind around how it must feel to constantly see other women throwing themselves at your boyfriend. She didn’t know if she could do it, either.

“Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t want me around. At first he wanted me with him every second, but then it’s like something changed. He did two short tours without me, and now he’s back in Vegas again. I wasn’t invited.” Vivien couldn’t stop the bitterness from creeping into her voice.

“That really stinks Viv, but he did just get separated not too long ago and he’s probably trying to figure out his feelings. Plus it’s not like Priscilla really went on tour with him, right?”

“Exactly! Because he didn’t like having her around,” Vivien retorted.

“I just mean-”

“Why are you defending him?” Vivien snapped. “Can’t you just be on my side? Or are you trying to get in his bed too?” Vivien gasped at the words that flew out of her own mouth.

“Woah, Vivien, that’s not it,” Roxanne tried to keep her tone steady, but an icy edge had crept in.

“I’m so sorry, Rox. I didn’t mean that, I know you would never do that. I just, he’s making me crazy.” Vivien’s voice trembled again.

“I can tell, Viv.” Roxanne softened her tone at the apology. “I was just trying to talk you down, but you know I’m always on your side. If you need a break from there, from him, you know you can always come stay with me. Even if it’s just to clear your head for a little bit.”

“Thanks, Rox. I might do that.” Vivien’s head felt a little clearer already just at the thought of a break from the once-again deserted Graceland.

*************************************************

“Elvis!”

Elvis turned his head at the familiar sound, wondering if he was just hearing things after an intense performance. He wiped his sweaty brow with the sleeve of his paisley shirt as he looked around. There was no mistaking it a second time.

“Larry?” Elvis asked incredulously. “Larry! How’ve ya been?” He pulled his old friend into an embrace as if no time had passed.

“I’m good, man! I’ve missed our talks, though.”

“Me too,” Elvis said sheepishly, hanging his head slightly. “Y’know it wasn’t me, I-I-I mean I didn’t-”

“I know, man. I could see the evil forces at work,” Larry reassured.

Relieved, Elvis cleared his throat and jumped ahead to his usual mode of apology. “Hey, I got somethin’ I’ve been wantin’ ta give ya.” He led Larry through his suite and into the large master bedroom. After rummaging around in his jewelry case, he pulled out a large gold ring with a deep emerald stone. “Ah, I knew it was in here somewhere.” A big grin spread across his face as he pressed the gaudy ring into Larry’s palm. “The tranquility of the emerald made me think of ya.”

Larry nodded and accepted what he knew was a heartfelt apology. He didn’t really blame Elvis for icing him out five years ago; he knew it was the hold of the Colonel’s influence. Still, it was nice to know he’d been thought of.

“Speaking of tranquility, how have ya been, man? I hear you and Priscilla separated?”

Elvis ducked his head in a slight nod as his jaw tightened. “It was a long time comin,’” he muttered. “Although I’m sure ya know that better than most. Ya know she made me burn most of my spiritual books? I managed ta hide a few away, but it was a sad day, man, I’ll tell ya for sure.”

“Well, we can just rebuild your library,” Larry said calmly, although he was inwardly seething at Priscilla’s actions. In his mind, she’d always fought against Elvis’ growth. “It should feel like a weight off your shoulders for it to finally be over, right?” Larry studied Elvis’ expression as he asked the question. “It looks like you still feel conflicted, though.”

Elvis furrowed his brow in thought and twisted one of the heavy gold rings on his finger. “Nah, not conflicted ‘bout her really. I mean, I-I-I miss havin’ my family together, but we ain’t really been together in a long time. It’s jus’ that I , uh, I-I found out that she left me for some other guy, a-a-and it’s really messed up my head.”

“And what about you? Have you been seeing anyone special?” Larry tread carefully, knowing Elvis would not view his own affairs and Priscilla’s in the same light.

Elvis’ expression softened a bit as images of his Vivien sprang to mind - the way her eyes sparkled when she looked at him, how she hung on his every word, the feel of her soft lips around his…” Elvis drifted back to the present moment to find Larry still waiting for an answer.

“Vivien,” he whispered softly, as though her name alone might convey everything he was feeling.

“Vivien,” Larry repeated with a smile. “How long have you been seeing her?”

“Uh, ‘bout two years,” Elvis admitted. “I-I-I knew in my heart that this thing with Priscilla, that it was jus’ a matter of time, y’know? And Vivien, she’s everything I’ve been lookin’ for, I really mean that, Larry. She’s beautiful, she’s warm and affectionate, she wants ta be a wife and mother. I fell in love right away when she had a copy of The Prophet with her at the movie theater.”

“That’s great, man! I’m happy for you.” Larry smiled and looked around the suite for signs of a woman staying there. “So where is she? I’d love to meet her.”

Elvis lowered his head and mumbled, “Uh, w-w-well, she’s at Graceland right now. I, uh, told her to jus’ wait for me there.” His jaw tightened again as he remembered their argument right before he left.

“Did she not want to come and be with you?” Larry asked in surprise, hoping this wasn’t just another fling that Elvis had built up in his mind.

“Naw, it’s not like that, she did wanna come, but I told her not to.” Elvis blushed a little bit as he continued. “I mean, I told ya man, this thing with ‘Cilla and this other guy, it’s got me all messed up. What if this happens again? I fall hard and then she decides I’m not, y’know, not enough for her? Or not what she wants? I can’t live up ta this image, ta these expectations all the time.”

Larry nodded in understanding, remembering a previous conversation they’d had where Elvis admitted his discomfort with being thought of as a sex symbol. Elvis might not admit it to the guys in so many words, but Larry knew he felt insecure at times. “Has she ever indicated she might be, um, disappointed in some way?” He didn’t want to push too hard after being back in Elvis’ life for all of five minutes, but he knew none of the other guys would say anything to actually help Elvis deal with his issues.

“No,” Elvis admitted. “She always jus’ tells me how amazing I am. I’ll tell ya, Larry, I’ve actually never felt so connected ta someone physically like this. When we’re, uh, bein’ intimate, it’s like a spiritual experience. She had never been with a man before. It was so beautiful when she gave herself ta me.”

“That doesn’t sound like someone who might feel disappointed and want another man,” Larry pointed out. He decided against adding on that four weeks alone would be more likely to make a woman seek another companion.

“Well, ya might be right about that, but I still didn’t know if it was right ta bring her. I worry about her bein’ able to deal with my life, seein’ the way these fans act around me, the way the guys can get on tour. I’ve been down this road before where a woman wants ta own me and gets real hurt when she doesn’t understand how I have ta live. We’ve already had a couple arguments cuz she don’t understand why I need all my medications.”

“I don’t know, Elvis,” Larry started out thoughtfully. “You’re saying this woman is different. Everything you’ve told me makes it seem like you two are really in love. Maybe you should give her more of a chance to show that she understands how crazy your life can get. And as for the medications, it sounds like she’s just worried about you. That’s not a bad thing to have someone care so much. It sounds like you’re letting your feelings about Priscilla sabotage a beautiful relationship with the right person.”

Elvis sat contemplating for a few minutes before responding. “Lawrence, I think you’re right. Vivien is completely different from ‘Cilla. I should be embracing how much we enjoy each other’s company. See, this is why I need ya back in my circle, man. Let’s talk about ya doin’ my hair again.”

*************************************************

Vivien heard a car pull up right as she was pulling her two suitcases down the steps to the foyer. She hoped the guard wouldn’t be in trouble for letting Roxanne in as she’d instructed.

“Vivien?”

Oh shoot. That was definitely not Roxanne’s voice.

“What’s all this? Where are ya goin’?” Elvis almost sounded more hurt than angry as he took in the suitcases and processed what was happening.

“You’re not supposed to be back for another week,” Vivien mumbled, as if this was somehow an answer to his question.

“I came back ta get ya. I missed ya so much, baby.” Elvis stepped toward her, but she quickly grabbed her bags when she heard another car pull up.

“Elvis, I just need a break. I can’t sit here for weeks at a time and wonder why you don’t want me around.”

She glanced at his face long enough to see his expression turn icy, although his eyes seemed to be brimming with tears. She quickly headed for the door, knowing he was about to explode with rage or tears. She wasn’t sure if she had it in her to stay and find out which.

Tag List: @whositmcwhatsit @lookingforrainbows @arrolyn1114 @thatbanditqueen @missmaywemeetagain @ellie-24 @be-my-ally @from-memphis-with-love @pebbles403 @deniseinmn @everythingelvispresley @little-laamb @annapresley8 @leapresley @littlehoneyposts @epthedream69 @atleastpleasetelephone @gatheraheart @richardslady121 @helen06dreamer @arg-xoxo @i-r-i-n-a-a @returntopresley

[hellohannie]

Return of the Enchantress (m) | ljh

“𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙘𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙡𝙮 𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙙 𝙙𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙙𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙘𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙨𝙠𝙞𝙣. 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙜𝙤𝙣𝙚.”

a year ago, jihoon had come across a forest nymph who had inadvertently stolen his heart. after a passionate night together, they agreed to meet again exactly a year later. here jihoon was now, exactly a year, down to the second, later. will you come to him? will he finally be able to take you home? part of the enchantress of the forest series. read part one here!

♡ PLAYERS - lee jihoon x reader

♡ WORD COUNT - 6.3K

♡ TAGS - fantasy au, faerie!reader, fluff, minor angst, smut (MDNI): fingering, oral sex (f. receiving), dirty talk, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it friends)

♡ NOTES - hi everyone! thank you so much for waiting patiently for me. things have been hectic for me and i haven't had the time to really sit and write. i also found myself just hating everything i wrote so i didn't want to upload anything

unfortunately, i don't see my update schedule being any quicker or more consistent in the near future, so i apologize for that. still, thank you to everyone who likes, comments and reblogs, it lets me know that there are people who enjoy my content, and it motivates me to write more!

THERE WILL BE A PART 3 and i promise it'll be updated sooner. i'm actually already a third of the way done with it right now. i just figured it would be better to split this part into two, so that's why there's another part. so please look forward to some conflicts and jihoon in faerieland? *wink wink*

i hope you all enjoy, and please be sure to interact! i love the feedback!

Jihoon’s breaths were loud and heavy as he sprinted through the forest, leaves and branches crunching under his footsteps. He glanced at the watch on his wrist. 5:58am. He pushed himself to run faster. He had two more minutes before the sun broke the horizon. Two more minutes until it was exactly a year since he last saw you. He thought about this moment every day for the past year and by God, did he hope you’d be waiting for him like he imagined in his dreams. 

The campsite loomed into view as Jihoon came to a stop and took in his surroundings. The tent was gone, but the ring of bricks surrounding the bonfire was still there, only now covered in moss from lack of use. Jihoon’s chest felt tight as he remembered the way you were perched in front of it that fateful night, the first time he saw you. 

Jihoon then walked up to the large oak tree you disappeared behind that next morning, staring in hopes that you’d materialize in front of it. He felt a buzz on his wrist. It was his watch telling him a new hour had started. It was six. The sky around him was a blend of pinks and blues and oranges as the sun arose, waking up the world. 

Suddenly, Jihoon felt an itch on his pinky. “No, no no no.” He whispered, holding his left hand up to his face. It was his flower ring. The once perfectly bloomed dandelion was now dried and scratching his skin. The enchantment was gone. 

Jihoon slid to his knees as he began to imagine the worst. It had been exactly a year since you left. You promised to meet him here, but you were nowhere to be found. Not only that, the enchantment on his ring was gone. That could only mean one thing. You must’ve lost your magic. The Queen must’ve denied your request to live on Earth and punished you. 

Jihoon began to cry, wracked with guilt at the thought that it was his fault that you were met with such a fate. “Y/N,” he whimpered. “I’m so sorry-”

“Jihoon?” 

The blond snapped his head up, brushing tears out of his eyes to clear his sight. There you stood, silhouetted by the backlight of the sun, like a vision from the dreams that plagued his every second. Jihoon shook his head as if clearing cobwebs from his mind, making sure that what he was seeing was reality and not a delusion. 

“Jihoon Darling,” you took a step forward, concerned. “You are crying.”

Jihoon stayed frozen on the forest floor, staring at you. He was spellbound, reminded again of how beautiful you truly were. Like the first time he saw you, you were wearing a white dress that flowed like water around your calves as it caught the wind. However, the dress was far more intricate this time, with the sleeves coming to capped hems just below your elbow, causing the fabric to bubble around your arm like a balloon. The neckline was trimmed with eyelet lace, as was the skirt hem. The fabric was cinched in at your waist, held tight with a glimmering fabric tied into a bow. 

Your hair had been loose and curled in ringlets a year ago, but now, it was weaved into a long, thick braid hanging over your shoulder. Millions of little flowers adorned the silky strands from the crown of your head to the very tip of the braid. 

Jihoon’s eyes flitted across your face as you moved closer, taking in the details that had faded in his memory through the year. He re-memorized everything, from the slant of your eyes to the arch of your brows, the high bridge of your nose, the glimmer in your eyes as you looked at him so lovingly. The movement of your plush lips caught his attention first before your tinkling voice registered in his ears.

“Jihoon,” you giggled as he flinched, snapping himself out of your reverie. By now, you had crouched in front of him, hands placed gently at his elbows.  “Come, let’s get you to your feet.”

As soon as you were both standing, Jihoon lunged to wrap his arms around your waist and lift you into a tight embrace. He felt all the tension leave his body as he heard your laughter in his ears and felt your arms glide around his neck. You were here. Finally.

“I missed you,” he murmured into the crook of your neck, breathing in the familiar petrichor scent that bled from your skin. “I missed you Faerie-”

“Ah,” you interrupted. “That, I am no longer.” You pulled back with a serene expression as Jihoon set you on your feet.

“What?”

“I am no longer a Faerie.” 

That was when Jihoon realized that while there were so many parts of you that remained unchanged from the last time he saw you, there were also parts that were different. Your pointed ears were now rounded at the tips, and while you felt warm in his grasp, you did not feel nearly as fragile as before. Perhaps the biggest difference of all, you did not have the glow around your body that had first caught Jihoon’s attention all those days ago. Your skin didn’t shimmer as if you were otherworldly. Nothing about you screamed otherworldly. You look like him. You looked…

“Human,” Jihoon gasped. “You’re human? Meeting with the Queen, it worked?”

You nodded, a hand hesitantly reaching up to cup his cheek. “Are you disappointed? That I am ordinary.”

“No,” he responded fiercely, pulling you in closer by your waist. “You are not ordinary and you could never disappoint me. If you’re human, that means you left your world for me. A woman who is so brave as to leave behind all she’s ever known and loved for me is…is anything but ordinary.” He pressed his forehead to yours, the tips of your noses brushing against each other. “I was worried this day would never come, that I would never get to hold you, kiss you, tell you that I love you.”

“You do not have to worry any longer, sweet Jihoon, I’m yours. Eternally.” 

Jihoon is unsure who leaned in first, all he is aware of is the feeling of your pillowy lips against his own, and the feeling of finally being at home. His hands trailed up your sides up to your jaw, tipping your head back to deepen the kiss. You parted your lips in a soft sigh, and Jihoon took the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth. With a quiet moan, you pushed your body closer to his, your kisses picking up speed. 

“Jihoon,” you murmured, but he quickly silenced you with another kiss. 

“Missed you so much, Y/N,” he groaned, lips brushing against yours with every word. “Missed you so much, don’t wanna let go, wish we could just teleport home.” 

You slid your fingers into his hair, using the grip to tug him back. “Jihoon,” you said, a bit more sternly, with a sheepish grin. His eyes slid open lazily. “I’m afraid we have company.” Your eyes glanced to your right. His followed and widened as he took in the forest animals that encircled the two of you. All around him, perched in the grass were golden deer and silver bunnies, russet foxes and red squirrels. There were hummingbirds and butterflies littering the trees, while fireflies and honey bees buzzed around in the air. 

You slipped out from his arms and glided over to a shimmering deer, gently petting its head. “There are my friends,” you turned to give Jihoon a blinding smile. “They kept me company as I looked after my part of the forest, long before I met you.” 

Jihoon stared in awe as the animals moved to be near you, reveling in your laughter as you let the wildlife jump into your lap or sit on your shoulders. However, despite your laughter, Jihoon thought he could hear crying and whining. You must’ve heard the same because you said, “They are confused why I can no longer understand them and why they can no longer understand me.”

That’s right, Jihoon thought, when she was a faerie, she could communicate with them, but now that she’s given up her powers…

“Do you mind if I sing to them one last time before we go? They used to fall asleep to the sound of my voice, and I do not want them to see me leave. I would rather their last memory of me be something blissful.”

Jihoon nodded, taking a seat in the grass. Goosebumps arose on his skin as you began to sing, your voice both captivating and soothing. He watched as the animals around you began to lay down, eyes falling closed as your song sent them into dreamland. Jihoon, too, closed his eyes, not because he was falling asleep, but to give you even a semblance of privacy. Your song was not only a goodbye to your friends, but a goodbye to the only life you’d ever known, a life Jihoon was never a part of. It didn’t feel right to intrude on this last moment of yours. 

By the time the two of you made your trek back to the houses the boys stayed at last time, the sun was already high in the sky. You did all of the talking, rambling on about the land of Faerie, and what you’d been doing this past year.

“I’ll admit,” you said, swinging yours and Jihoon’s arms as you walked, “The Queen was rather shocked when I made my request. I’d never expressed discontent with my position as a forest nymph before, so asking to have my powers stripped was unexpected. However, when I told her it was because I had fallen in love…” You looked up at him with an affectionate smile. “Well, she said it was the first time she was delighted to strip a Faerie of their powers.”

Jihoon sighed in relief. “I’m not going to lie, I was worried she might not have taken it so well.” He lifted your interlocked hands up and wiggled his pinky, the dried flower ring still wrapped around it. “When this happened, I was afraid you’d been punished.”

“Ah,” you soothed, “That must’ve been because my powers could no longer uphold the enchantment. There’s no need to worry, see?” You hopped in front and turned to face him, arms spread wide. “I’m just fine and here with you. We don’t need enchanted rings anymore. I can make you a new one every morning.”

Jihoon could feel his heart swell with adoration, your optimism endearing and contagious. Just as he stepped forward to swing you into his arms again, a soccer ball came rolling on the ground, bumping against your bare feet. 

You made a questioning sound, bending to pick up the ball. “What is this?” You held it up to your face, brows furrowed in scrutiny. 

“I’m so sor-woah,” a boy with brown and blond streaked hair jogged towards you, eyes wide, arms frozen from where they had been reaching to take the ball from you. “Who are you?”

You tilted your chin up slightly, face blank as you held yourself with an air of regality, similar to when you first encountered Jihoon. “I am Y/N, a forest n- I am Y/N. You are?”

The boy, still awe-struck, responded, “I’m wondering where you’ve been all my life.”

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon snapped from his spot slightly behind you. He took the ball gently from your fingers before chucking it at his friend’s shoulder. This shocked Soonyoung out of his trace and he glared at Jihoon while clutching his arm. 

“Ow!”

“Soonyoung?” you whispered, unminding of the squabble happening next to you. “Soonyoung!” You explained louder, this time catching the boys’ attention. “You’re Jihoon’s best friend!”

Jihoon flushed bright red and Soonyoung began to coo, “Awhhh Jiiiii~ You’ve been telling strangers I’m your best friendddd~ Wait!” Soonyoung’s head snapped towards you. “Oh my God you’re the girl from the forest! The nymph!” He snatched up your hand and gave you a vigorous handshake. “Does this mean you’re coming home with us? Jihoon refused to tell us anything about you, wanted to keep you a secret.”

Your eyes darted between the hyper boy in front of you and the stoic one to the right, the latter rolling his eyes. “Yeah yeah, this is her, now let go,” Jihoon jerked Soonyoung back with a grip on his shoulder. 

You laughed, a bit endeared by the energy vibrating in Soonyoung. He reminded you of the little pixies from home that zipped around from place to place in the blink of an eye. “It is nice to meet you Soonyoung. I hope you don’t mind that I’ll be joining you on your journey home.”

He shook his head frantically, “Of course not! C’mon,” he grabbed your elbow, albeit gently, “Everyone else has been dying to meet you!”

Soonyoung directed you towards the smattering of houses, Jihoon following closely behind. As the three of you approached, you could hear a cacophony of voices and laughter. Soonyoung brought you to an open space covered by a canopy, where eleven other boys were bent over something. The smell of food and smoke engulfed you as the boy holding your arm yelled, “Guys she’s here!”

In unison, all the heads snapped towards you. You took a step back into Jihoon’s chest, his hands coming to rest reassuringly on your shoulders. It was silent for just a moment before all hell broke loose. 

“Oh my God!”

“You made it!”

“Oh she’s so precious!”

“I told you she’d come back!”

“Ugh fine you were right, here’s the $20 bucks.”

“Wait,” Jihoon moved you to the side and stepped towards two of the boys. “You bet on us?”

As the boys struggled to defend themselves, a familiar blond with long hair stepped towards you, a kind smile on his face. You recognized him from a year ago. He was at the tent with his partner the night before you met Jihoon. The one you thought might have Faerie blood running through his veins. 

“Hi, I’m not sure if you remember me, but I’m Jeonghan. This is Joshua,” he gestured to the man standing beside him, “We were at the forest last year too.”

“I remember,” you ducked your head, wishing your hair was loose so it would hide your flushed cheeks. You remembered coming across their intimate moment, trying not to intrude, but unable to block out the noise due to your enhanced senses. Although, even now, without your powers, it was obvious these men were fated mates. They were truly in love. 

Jeonghan and Joshua held back their laughter, not wanting to embarrass you any further.  

Joshua leaned down a bit, lowering his voice. “I hope you don’t mind that we sent Jihoon to your forest the next day. He was feeling a bit stressed, and we hoped a night away would bring him some peace.”

You flushed even more at this, your collarbones starting to turn red. “It’s alright. I’m…thankful. Actually,” you picked your head up, looking them both in the eyes before clasping your hands in front of you and dipping into a slight curtsey, “I’m indebted to you both, for bringing my soulmate to me. I’m not sure we would ever have met if not for you.”

Jeonghan stepped forward, bringing you back to standing with a hold on your upper arms. “There is no need for that. You are one of us now Y/N, you’re family. Family does not hold debts.” Joshua nodded, giving you a soft pet on the back of your head. 

Your chest felt warm. Family. You did not have a family in Faerieland. Yes you had friends of all different species, but no one that called you family. “I never had anyone to call family at home.”

The boys shared a pitying glance before bringing you into an embrace. “Well then,” said Joshua, “We are honored to be the first to call you sister.”

You sniffled, and it was loud enough to catch Jihoon’s attention. “She’s been here all of five minutes and the evil twins are already making her cry,” he grumbled, pulling you into his side. “C’mon let’s go inside before the rest of them harass you even more.”

You and Jihoon walked into the warm dining hall together, his brothers’ (and now your brothers’) laughter echoing behind you. 

“Lunch is served!” the tallest boy, who you now know as Mingyu, announced as he took the lids off the twenty something dishes lining the lengthy table. You were sitting in the middle of one of the benches, as per Jihoon’s insistence, something about it being easy to reach all the food. Jeonghan, who was sitting on the other side of you, nudged your waist with his elbow. You moved your gaze from the food to Jeonghan who motioned with his chin to the table. “Ladies first.”

It was only then that you noticed no one was filling their plates. Rather, they were all looking at you expectantly, but excitedly, especially Mingyu. You felt shy under their gazes. “I’m…I’m not familiar with human food,” you glanced at Jihoon before turning towards Mingyu. “Would you be able to describe your dishes to me?”

Mingyu was bouncing on his feet. “Of course! No one has ever asked me before! So this…” As Mingyu began to explain each dish to you, you felt your mouth start to water more and more. That is until he got to the center dish. “And this is the main course for today, galbi. It’s grilled beef short ribs-”

You shrieked in horror, hands covering your mouth as you shot to your feet. Everyone, including Jihoon, stared at you in concern. “Faerie, what’s wrong?”

“You all eat cows?” You were appalled, and even felt a bit sick. In Faerieland, cows were sacred. They provided the people of your land with milk which allowed you to create butter, cheese and other products, like in the human world. In addition however, cow’s milk in Faerieland had healing properties, and could be used in potions or with pixie dust to create potent magic. Cows were cared for, they were your friends. You couldn’t imagine taking their life and eating them. 

“I’m, I’m sorry, I-” you scrambled over the bench, giving them all a quick bow in apology. “I must step away.” You ran out the door.

The rest of the boys, in a stupor, turned to Jihoon for an explanation. The latter groaned, dropping his head in his hands. “I didn’t even realize, she probably doesn’t eat meat.” He quickly explained how the forest animals were your friends, so the same must be for all animals in Faerieland. “It’s my fault. I should’ve known better than to think the customs in our world would be the same as the ones in her world.”

“It’s ok Jihoon,” Seungcheol soothed. “You didn’t know. She’s not going to hold that against you. Now you know that there’s going to be a lot of things she needs to learn, but you won't be alone, we’ll all help, right?” He looked around the table. Everyone nodded their heads in agreement.

“Here Hyung,” Seungkwan handed Jihoon a plate full of vegetarian dishes. “Take this to her so she doesn’t starve. I think that’s a good place to start.”

Jihoon took the plate from the younger with a grateful look. “Thanks Kwan, thanks everyone.”

With that, he walked towards the guest house next to the mess hall calling out your name. “Y/N! Are you in here?” As he stepped into the house, he saw you curled into a ball, sitting on the couch. “Faerie, I’m so sorry. I should’ve remembered that our customs, including diets, are probably completely different. You even told me that animals are considered friends in Faerieland, I should’ve been more careful.”

“No,” you turned to face Jihoon who was sitting next to you on the couch, crossing your legs to sit criss-cross. “It is not your fault. I also should’ve been more composed. I hope you know I do not judge the food you eat. We all have different practices. There’s a lot I must learn about the human world, as expected. Mistakes will be made, but it is never the fault of you or I.” Your gaze shifted to the plate, and as if on cue, your stomach grumbled loudly. 

You shot Jihoon a sheepish look as he laughed endearingly. “Here, Seungkwan piled the plate with vegetables. Do you want to try?” You nodded excitedly. “Ok, here, this is kimchi,” he held the chopsticks up to your mouth, watching expectantly as you chewed. “Good?” Your eyes were wide. “Guess so,” he laughed, picking up something else with the chopsticks. “This is tofu, it is made from crushed beans...” Jihoon watched fondly as you ate everything on the plate, glad that he was able to at least provide some food that you liked. He would make sure to be more diligent in the future as you continued to navigate life in the human world.

That night, you and Jihoon came across another slight issue. After dinner (at which time you apologized to everyone for making a spectacle and for potentially offending them and thanked Mingyu for making extra vegetarian food for you this time), Jihoon asked you to get ready for bed in his room as the members discussed their plans to return to Seoul the next day. He was exhausted as he walked back to his room, stressed from how he was going to explain to the company that he returned from vacation with a girl. 

The shock he received when he opened the door however was enough to re-energize him. “Oh my God!” he shouted, quickly shutting the door behind him and turning to face it. “Why are you in your underwear?”

You answered innocently, “I always sleep like this. The cottages in our land get warm at night as we must close all the doors and windows. Though it is a bit cold in this room.”

Jihoon turned to catch a glimpse of your face, and saw goosebumps littering your skin. He quickly turned back around, moving to the closet near the door. He grabbed a soft shirt of his and tossed it over his shoulder towards where he hoped the bed was. “Put this on.”

The noise of clothes rustling filled the silence before you muttered, “Ok, done.”

Jihoon turned around, relieved that you were somewhat clothed now. “Faerie,” he knelt onto the bed beside you, but you refused to look at him, choosing to pick at a loose thread on the duvet. He placed a finger under your chin, turning your head towards him. Your lips were slightly pouted, eyes a bit teary. “I’m sorry for shouting, I was just surprised and also didn’t want anyone else to see you like that.” You nodded, understandingly. “But darling, you can’t just be in your underwear in the human world ok?”

You quirked your head in confusion. “Why not? It’s nothing you haven’t seen.”

Jihoon choked on his saliva. “I-yes that’s true, but it’s not so much that as it’s just common practice to wear clothes to bed. Sometimes, the room is really cold, so you’ll want to bundle up, understand?”

“Yeah…” you hesitated. “Ok. It’s just…This material is kind of scratchy.”

“That’s my fault,” Jihoon sighed. He never really cared too much about the condition of his home clothes, so usually, he’d just throw them in the washer and dryer without using softening agents. It was safe to say that quite a few of his clothes were not in the most pristine condition due to his lack of care. “I promise, as soon as we get back to Seoul tomorrow, we’ll go out and get you some comfortable clothes to sleep in.”

You conceded with a nod, leaning into his chest. “Are you excited to go home tomorrow?”

Jihoon shrugged. “I guess. I don’t necessarily want to get back to my usual life, but it’ll be nice to have you with me. Are you excited?”

You were silent for a while. “Would you be upset if I said no?”

Jihoon pulled you away from his chest by your shoulders. “No, but I’d be concerned. What’s the matter?”

You turned your gaze down to your lap. “It’s not that I’m not excited to live in your home, with you. It’s just that…I still feel a bit connected to Faerieland here, amongst the trees and nature. I suppose I’m just going to feel homesick for a while.”

“I understand that, Y/N, and it’s normal. Moving away from home is not easy, and the transition is hard. It might be even harder for you since this is a completely different world, I won’t lie, but I promise to be with you every step of the way. If you tell me whatever you're feeling, whenever you feel down, I’ll do everything I can to make it better, ok?” Jihoon cupped your face in his hands, his thumbs grazing your cheekbones. His eyes were so full of love, you couldn’t help but surge forward to kiss him. A gasp of surprise caught in his throat as he quickly reciprocated. 

“Thank you,” you whispered against his lips. “Thank you for finding me, for loving me, for giving me hope that I belong somewhere, with someone, with you.” You brought your right hand up to his chest, placing it over his heart. He did the same, leaning in to kiss you in time with the synchronized beating of your hearts. 

“Wait,” Jihoon tried to speak, but you kept kissing him anyway. He chuckled, “Faerie, wait. We have to talk about the plan tomorrow.”

You shook your head vehemently, “Not right now.” You nipped at his bottom lip, smirking as he hissed. “Wanna keep doing this.” 

With a firm hand and the shock factor on your side, you pushed Jihoon down onto the bed, crawling to sit on his thighs. You traced a lone finger along his forehead, down the bridge of his nose, across his cheeks. Your lips followed behind your finger, peppering kisses to every inch of his face. Jihoon’s hands came to grip your waist tightly as you moved to his neck, kisses becoming more firm, teeth nipping at the skin. You slipped your hands under the hem of his shirt, your touch tickling his abdomen. 

Jihoon moved your face back to his, taking the lead to deepen the kiss this time. He moved a hand to your hair, fingers getting caught on the flowers thread into the ridges of the braids. Slowly, he sat up, still holding your body to his. Then he pulled away, pulling at the ribbon at the end of your braid, placing it gently on the bedside table. 

“Turn around,” he murmured. You did so, wondering what he was doing as you felt the bed dip behind you. Jihoon was kneeling now, delicately undoing your hair, taking care not to crush any of the petals he pulled out. “Your hair looked so pretty, didn't want to ruin it.”

You tilted your head into his hands, humming as he massaged your scalp. “The younglings of the court did it for me. The Queen held a farewell ceremony for me, where I could hand over my powers to my successor and say goodbye to everyone. It’s also why I was wearing a much more intricate dress.” Jihoon took note of the dress you had draped onto the chaise lounge in the corner of his room, making a mental note to find a garment bag to place it in while packing tomorrow. “The flowers are handpicked from the Queen’s court. Nymphs rarely get to see those blooms, let alone hold them. I wish I had asked a flora nymph to enchant them so they would never wilt.”

Jihoon placed a kiss behind your ear, hoping to distract you from the regret seeping into your voice. “They are beautiful,” he whispered in your ear, causing you to giggle from the way his breath tickled, “but not nearly as beautiful as you.”

You snorted, and in that moment, you sounded more human than ever. “Cheesy.”

You squealed as Jihoon pulled you back onto the pillows, pinning your hands by your head as he hovered over you. “But it’s true, and I’ll tell you that over and over until I can’t speak a word anymore. I want it to be the first thing you hear in the morning and the last thing you hear before you go to bed. You’re beautiful. And I love you.”

You blushed, the color in your cheeks highlighted against the white pillows cushioning your head. Jihoon had a way with words that left you winded every time. “I love you too. Will you kiss me again?”

“Gladly.” Jihoon kissed you until you were breathless, and it filled him with pride. The last time you two were together, you were an otherworldly creature. You didn’t lose your breath when he kissed you. Your skin didn’t sweat or flush as much. You didn’t look affected by his ministrations at all. This time though, you were human, so your chest heaved as you caught your breath, your skin was pink and your bangs clung to your forehead, wet with perspiration. 

And Jihoon loved it. 

He walked the fingers of his left hand from your forearm to your own, entangling them. At the same time, he brought his right hand down to trace the top of your thigh, just below where the hem of his t-shirt lay. You shivered, his gentle touch causing a fire to ignite in your belly. 

With one hand still holding your own, Jihoon slipped the other one under your shirt and up your body, placing it on your bra, over your breast. He used the tip of his index finger to trace down your cleavage.

You whined, “Don’t tease.” 

Jihoon relented, pulling the cup of your bra down and squeezing your breast. Your nipple pebbled instantly against his palm and you groaned into his mouth when he pinched it with his fingers. Now desperate for more, Jihoon moved his hand to your back, effortlessly undoing the clasp with one hand. Then, he pulled away, ripping your shirt, bra and panties off your body until you laid bare beneath him. 

He stared, bewitched by your beauty. Last time, it was night and the moonlight was blocked by the tent, preventing Jihoon from truly seeing you. Now, with the illumination from the bedside lamps, Jihoon could truly admire you. He let his eyes roam every expanse of skin on your body. He took note of the moles and scars he couldn’t see before, each one adding to your beauty.

“You’re a vision, Y/N,” he whispered, not wanting to shatter the atmosphere enveloping you both. “Want to cherish every piece of you.” He placed a dainty kiss on your sternum. “Will you let me, my love?”

You answered with an impatient whimper, thrusting your chest towards his face. Jihoon let out a huff of laughter and took your nipple into his mouth. You tangled your fingers into his hair, forcing his mouth to your other breast after he spent a few minutes sucking and biting the first one raw. 

Jihoon took his time with you, placing kisses and sucking bruises into the swell of your breasts, the plush of your belly, down to the tops of your thighs. Then he wrapped his hands around your knees, making them bend until your feet were pressed into the mattress before spreading them apart. He nearly groaned out loud at the way your pussy glistened with wetness. Sliding his arms down to wrap around your thighs, Jihoon used the grip to lurch your body down the bed, bringing your cunt to his mouth.

You squealed, back arching when you felt the suction of his lips on your clit. He hadn’t done this the last time, and the slippery sensation of Jihoon’s tongue was only feeding the flames in your belly. You wanted-

“More,” you moaned. “Need more Ji.”

“Yeah?” Jihoon traced your opening with his finger, dipping just his nail inside. “Little Faerie isn’t satisfied? Always greedy for more.”

You whined his name again, wriggling against the iron grip he had on your thighs that kept you from sliding down on his finger. 

“Don’t worry, you know I’ll always take care of you.” With that, Jihoon slipped two fingers inside of you, curling them up until they brushed just right against your g-spot. Your hands shot down to his head, pressing him deeper into your pussy as you tried to push your knees together. Jihoon loosened his grip, allowing you to bring your thighs against his face, keeping him locked. Jihoon thought he’d be content to die like this, with a tombstone that read: Here lies Lee Jihoon, death by suffocation in pussy.

Your fingers curled tighter into his hair as you cried, “I’m so close. Jihoon.” One last suck of your clit was all it took, and with a strangled sob, you gushed around his fingers, the silken walls pulsating. Your hands flung from his hair to the sheets, where you gripped them like a lifeline. Jihoon held your ankles as your thighs quivered, hips nearly coming off the bed as you bent up like a bowstring. Your mouth was open as you let out a loud moan, eyes rolled back so far you could see white. After a few seconds, your legs fell limply to the bed as you came down from your high. 

Jihoon laughed as he pressed a wet kiss to your lips. “You have to be more quiet, Faerie. Don’t want the other guys to hear what a deviant you really are.”

You muttered a sheepish apology as you wrapped your legs around Jihoon's waist, pitching your middle up to grind against the bulge in his pants. You pawed at his shirt, pulling at the collar to send him a message that you wanted it off. As Jihoon tore his shirt over his head, you pushed up onto your elbows, placing feather light kisses to his pecs. Your fingers slipped into the waistband of his pants, shoving it down, along with his boxers. Jihoon hissed at the way your hand encircled his hard cock, thumb grazing the tip to collect his precum and spread it down the shaft. 

You waited until he managed to kick the fabric away from his ankles before gently tugging him forward with the hand on his dick, angling it towards your entrance. 

“Already?” he asked, astounded. “You’re not sensitive?”

“Don’t care,” you mumbled, reaching up to place your lips against his ear. “I’m so desperate for you, Jihoon.”

Jihoon tipped his head towards the ceiling and groaned, “Fuuuuck.” When he looked down at you again, now splayed out onto the sheets like a doll, his pupils were blown, eyes alight with desire. “I’m gonna ruin you, Faerie.” 

He flipped you over, hauling you onto your knees. He pressed his chest to your back, guiding the corner of the duvet into your mouth. “Bite down on this. You’ll need it to stay quiet.” You did as he asked, earning a kiss to your temple before he leaned back up. 

Then, he brought his cock to you, tracing the tip of it along your pussylips to gather the slickness. “Ready?” 

One nod was all it took for Jihoon to thrust the entirety of his length into you. Your eyes screwed shut, scream muffled by the cloth in your mouth. Jihoon set off at an incredible speed, the force moving your body up towards the headboard. A veiny forearm wrapped around your chest, just under your tits, yanking you up onto all fours. Your teeth dug into the duvet, refusing to let it go despite it being wet with your saliva and tears. 

“You’re so tight baby,” Jihoon’s voice was strained, as if it was taking everything he had not to come at the sensation of your cunt gripping him. He bit down onto your shoulder, sucking a constellation of bruises onto your shoulder blade. 

A particularly sharp thrust caused your mouth to drop open in a strangled gasp. “Feels so good, oh my God, oh,” you babbled. “Thought about this every day since I left. Needed it so badly. Ached for you, Jihoon.”

“Naughty nymph,” Jihoon mock scolded. “Bet you touched yourself thinking about me, huh? All alone in the dark, trying so hard to stay quiet, with your little fingers stuffed in your pussy. It wasn’t enough though was it? Needed me there with you, to feel you, touch you, make you cum. Isn’t that right.”

“Yes, wasn't enough without you,” you moaned. “Fuck, don’t stop!”

“Never,” Jihoon growled, the hand not holding you up moving to draw messy circles on your clit. “You’re mine, Faerie. Gonna fuck you like this every hour of every day. Never letting you off my cock.”

You cried his name like a prayer, letting his words send you crashing into your second orgasm. It felt wet and slippery. You could feel the inside of your things get soaked, but you didn’t have the energy to care. All you had left in you was one last clench of your walls, and it was just enough to send Jihoon to his release as well. He groaned loudly, fingers digging into your sides so hard you were sure the skin would bruise. His hips were pressed tightly against your ass, breath warm against your spine where his head was resting. Together, you both flopped forward onto the bed. 

You laid there, wrapped up in each other, until your breathing returned to normal. Jihoon shivered as he pulled out of you, placing an apologetic kiss to your shoulder when you whined. “Have to clean you up, love. One minute.”

After using a wet cloth to wipe you both down, he sent you to the bathroom. In the meantime, he replaced the sheets on the bed, shocked at the amount of wetness soaking them. That’s something we’ll have to explore again, he thought. 

When you returned from the bathroom, he slipped his shirt onto your body again, joining you under the duvet after slipping on a fresh pair of boxers himself. He smiled as you snuggled up to his side, placing your ear against his heart. 

“I love you, my Fate. I’m so thankful that it’s you I get to be with for the rest of my days,” you whispered, eyelids getting heavy.

“Me too, my love. Me too,” Jihoon said, placing a kiss on your head as you fell asleep. He was still unsure how to bring you up to the agency, and how to assimilate you into his life in the human world, but that was a worry for tomorrow. For right now, he chose to revel in how perfectly you fit in his arms, and how his heartbeat matched your own. He chose to trust the universe, because it brought him to you.